#and to my friends and to everyone amd especially to myself

[selamat-linting]

i do love her more than anything in the world but if i ever crawl out of my grave to come home its because of the family's curse.

[ii-darkfic-confessions]

I relistened to an mlp grimdark the other day, it's called 'downfall' and it's about Twilight being driven to kill from her own curiosity about what drives someone to kill and how it feels to kill

And I want to read something like that about Test Tube, alot of Test Tube darkfics I read just have her go "Oh damn, I'm bored af rn. I should unethically experiment on my friends 🤭"

Like guys come on, she's a SCIENTIST, I think it makes more sense to make her actions driven by a strong urge to just know

She'a been fixating on older unethical experiments and new questions that humans can't answer since it cannot be answered through ethical means. It sparks a question in her mind, how would it feel to answer those questions? Hold her very own unquestionably unethical experiments. No! Surely it would be horrible! Torturing people for her own gain... but it would answer so many questions. Not just her questions but questions that have plagued science for years, and she'd be the one to know all the answers!

She's disgusted in herself, horrified by her own mind but she just NEEDS to know. It'll be okay if it's just one person, right? She'll just take someone no-one cares about. Trophy! She'll just sedate him somehow and take him back to her lab and no-one will care, it's just Trophy. And once she's done with him, her questions will be answered and she'll be back to normal

She promises herself that it'll just be a few tests, just the important stuff, then all the important questions will be asked. Then she'll just make something to erase his memory and send him off in his merry way! But... once she's done her tests, she's filled with more questions, questions that cannot be answered ethically and questions that cannot be answered through Trophy.

She is once again disguested and horrified but like always, her curiosity wins. She justifies her actions to herself. It's just people that no-one cares about! Trophy, Taco, Tissues, Salt. Sure they have a couple friends but it's barely anyone.

But her questions don't stop, she needs more people. Test Tube resists her brain for as long as she can. But her curiosity will always win in the end. And what is she most curious about now? Paintbrush's fire.

And boom! Classic evil Test Tube but more interesting in my opinion. I also get a bit annoyed when Test Tube instantly loses her empathy, especially since the starting victims are usually her best friends. I think it would be more interesting for her to feel bad, to REALLY regret her actions but she's in too deep or she just can't get her curiosity in check. She knows she's so far past 'in the wrong' but she tries to justify to herself that she's trying to do this with everyone's wellbeing in mind.

Sure, literally everything she's doing cause against scientific ethics... and just, regular ethics. But she tries to follow what ethics she can. She never deceives them, unless she absolutely and undeniably has to lie, she is very straightforward amd truthful about her plans.

Or ignoring all that, just go down the simple route of the curiosity driving her to kill. The experiment is the murders, no labs included. Actually probably yes lab included if she's going to kill in a controlled environment and record her findings.

Actually, I'm going to bookmark that last one for myself, might write that someday 🤭

Very fascinating. As I first began reading, I assumed your concept would be like Experiment 21, which was also motivated by Test Tube’s morbid curiosity, but I was pleasantly surprised to see the fact that you thoroughly planned her thought process, choosing people she has less of an emotional attachment to.

[autisticlee]

trying my best to to act "normal" and "practice" social skills by doing small talk and trying to make people talk about themselves by "not making it all about myself" and asking them questions and putting spotlight on them all that stuffs. specifically on the bumble friends app but also some discord servers.

I know you're technically supposed to ask people questions when get to know them, let them answer and don't answer your own question, and not do the back and forth say related things about yourselves without being asked way like I prefer. but trying to think of questions, then how to respond to their answer without automatically "and here's related fact about me" is so hard and exhausting!!!!! is not that I want to make it about me. is that I can only talk about things I know or let conversation end completely. if I respond about me then "it's all about me" but can't think of enough responses and questions when other person doesnt give much response back and doesnt ask questions. especially when their answers are too plain and boring like less than 5 words. no extra info to learn anything about them or be able to continue conversation. no idea for more questions.

example: what kind of arts and crafts do you enjoy most? what do you like to make? tell me all about your arts! "I crochet clothes" oh cool i've crochets a few things....(right it's not supposed to be ~all about me~) uh favorite clothing to crochet? "shirts. sometimes hats" oh uh.....how's...the weather....???????????? I don't know 🥲

I can't do this small talk thing. it feels so forced and unnatural. genuinely don't know how, don't know what to do. how many questions need asked? what questions are allowed? how to respond to their answer? especially when answer is super short? when is appropriate to talk about things I know and like? does only one person ask question? do I lead everything? why is this interrogation about them? are they uncomfortable? am I asking roght questions? what questions they want me to ask? what thing do they want to talk about? why I not feel like i'm getting to know them at all? when does small talk end? don't know anything! everyone else knows the rules and expect me to know but no one teaches me! and trying to use internet to learn isn't helping because I still don't get it! and too many rules to follow it gets boring and exhausting and frustrating and confusing. especially if I follow the rules and they do not. like they're supposed to ask questions back but they don't. what do then? keep asking questions? talk about something I like? idk

I prefer get to know someone over time naturally through talking about shared interests and doing activities or sharing back and forth what we are comfortable sharing without needing think of questions and feel like we pry into each other's lives. seems easier but is not allowed in the rules. need to follow the rules, but not all things are listed in small talk tutorial posts/videos. like needing know right question to ask, what's appropriate and not too invasive, know what questions they want to answer and what thing talk about, how to respond correctly and how to keep going when you get barely any response back, how to know what is too much to say and what is good amount, etc. because small talk seems all about mind reading or guessing correctly and i always fail.

doesn't feel like I get to know anyone from it. examples I see have the people both responding with many words and questions. answers I get are plain and superficial amd short. I get bored because it feels like I do all the work. i'm expected to ask questions but they don't ask back. they barely give response. but if I add anecdote about myself then i risk it's "all about me" and they never open up enough to get to know them more. is easier to get to know people when doing shared activities to feel their natural vibe and energy or get them talking without needing prompted. but small talk doesn't do that and keeps a barrier and I can't figure out a way around it so it always ends there if i'm the one that is designated leader. I know i can't lead. dont want to. confused and bored. so give up on the conversation. therefore no new friends. only wasted energy and spoons and now too tired and burnt out to try again for a few weeks. sighs. how people do this naturally and it works?! don't understand!

[softie-rain]

I know none of you are as crazy about Coral as I am but could you do a little drabble of her and Mizzen going around Four's market place amd selling things?🥺 just silly little wholesome seablings??🥺🥺

THE NEVER GET REAPED EVER THEY LIVE A LONG HAPPY LIFE IN FOUR NO ONE CHANGE MY MIND

sweetheart I'll write anything you ask me to

Also Coral is growing on me and I've always loved Mizzen my pookie. Sorry this took so long 😔🫶🏻 I sneaked in a few headcanons I have about them, hopefully these aren't too out of character (especially for Coral 🥲)

"Mizzen, this is dumb." Coral whispered, looking around the market. She observed hers and Mizzen's market bench, looking so small and insignificant compared to the others.

"It's not! Your artworks are amazing, and everyone wants the bracelets I make with shells at school!"

Coral shook her head, unconvinced. Mizzen finished fixing the table with the small handwritten price tags and smiled proudly. He cleared his throat and moved in front of the table, while Coral stood behind uncomfortable.

She knew they needed to do this. Coral's family wasn't exactly starving, but her mother had fallen sick and was unable to provide for her and her siblings. Mizzen was the only one to know about her situation, being the only one Coral trusted with such delicate and personal information.

She didn't think he'd offer to help her like this though.

Mizzen cleared his throat, and started loudly calling for clients. "Homemade bracelets! Buy your bracelet made with freshly caught shells! Every bracelet you buy, you get a painting for free!"

Coral blushed looking at her drawings. In her eyes they weren't that good, but Mizzen had always said she underestimate herself. She looked around once more. Everyone was too busy buying food to pay attention to them, the yells of the other sellers calling for fresh fish much louder than Mizzen's. And for the first twenty minutes, no one even dared looking at them.

"Mizzen, maybe we should-"

"Homemade?" An old lady asked, getting closer to their small table.

Mizzen smiled happily, "Yes ma'am! I made them myself just this morning!"

The old lady chuckled at Mizzen's excitement, nodding. "They sure are beautiful, you are one talented young boy."

Mizzen's smile widened. "Thank you!"

"Did you make those drawings as well?"

"Oh, no," Mizzen said, moving aside, "these were made by Coral here."

Coral gulped, her cheeks getting redder as the lady smiled at her. "Did you?"

She nodded. "Uh, yeah. Just something I do after work, to relax."

The lady raised an eyebrow, confused. "Work?"

"Yes, she helps her mother cut the fish my father catches, and then we sell it together." Mizzen explained, and Coral angrily stared at him. Why was he telling the story of their life to this stranger? She didn't need anyone's pity, they were just trying to make a few more money, that didn't mean Mizzen had to go and tell a sob story to everyone.

Mizzen ignored her glare and kept looking hopeful at the lady, who frowned. "How old are you kids?"

"Thirteen and fourteen, ma'am." Mizzen replied, pointing at him and Coral. The lady nodded.

"I'll buy two, for my grandson and granddaughter. They'd love your bracelets! And your drawings too, Coral." The lady decided, winking at Coral.

Coral awkwardly smiled, while Mizzen thanked her. He took the bracelets the lady pointed at and two drawings, one representing a red, dying coral - "It's sad.", "It's art, Mizzen. It's self-descriptive." - and a yellow fish surrounded by bubbles.

The lady smiled. "You kids are doing a great job. I'm sure your parents are proud of you." She said, and then left.

Mizzen looked as she walked away and then turned to smile at Coral. "See? I told you! You need to be more confident, my friend." He said proudly. He turned around and stated yelling again, drawing attention to himself.

Coral chuckled and rolled her eyes, secretly deeply thankful for Mizzen's help. She walked up to him in front of the table as well, starting to call for clients with him. Maybe her drawings weren't perfect, but if one old lady had liked them, trying some more couldn't hurt anyone, right?

[relax-and-read-on]

2024, Hello!

What a year it has been, right?

I usually try to talk only about warhammer 40k on this blog. I don't like mention if my personal life, or politics, or even other fandom, really. That said, this year was... Far from easy for me. Health problem, job problem, finances, politiques, (shout out to all the queer french canadian who are also scared shitless!), moving in a new place, insane inflation....

I had given myself the huge objective to publish 200k words for 2023. At the end, this is the result:

108k words. You can also add about 50k of unpublished original work. Here is the list of fic that I have published/updated in 2023 (by view count), and some little thought/insight on them:

Agency - My big fem primarch au. You can really see me grow, if you read it from start to finish. It's been *years* since I started this fic, at this point, the ending that I have planned is like my white whale. One day.... One day, I will defeat it. Terribly hard to write but SO satisfying

Tales of different lives - if Agency is my dark nemesis, than my planet swap is coming home to a soft bed. It's so easy and FUN to write that au. I know not everyone like the lighter take toward the world this one take, and that's ok. Sometime... It's just nice, to have softer things, especially after such a year.

Phantom of the (warhammer?)-pera - I am begging you. On my knees. Read this one. It's my fav thing I have ever written. It's so much fun. It's totally INSANE and I loved every moment of it. I want to go back and fight the formatting again, to finish implanting all the notes. They are SO much fun. Also has AMAZING cover art by @skrankku !

Five times People tried and failed to Seduce Roboute Guilliman to Chaos... - Absolute surprised to me how people loved that fic. Ngl, I was actually sick/very depressed when I wrote it, but it warm heart that other enjoyed it.

This Once Nearly Was Mine - This one does not count, it's @kingwithpaintedfingers AMAZING Vulkan's POV to Castle of Glass, my Mortarion/Vulkan soulmate au. I am amazed and humbled to be able to work with such a great writer, and be able to call you a friend. I HIGHLY recommend all their work.

Trust - I had to actually check that one, and turns out, it was the update to my Talos/Septimus fic! Can you believe that I forget my own fic?! I am silly. Surprisingly delightful. I need to write more of this ship.

Birdcage - written for an exchange, specifically for @funboxsupreme , another criminally good writer. This fic, in my humble opinion, is some of my best writing. Extremely dark, I also SOMEHOW managed some really cool "special effect" in it, and I am PLEASED with myself.

In the Garden - a VERY quick and horny piece for Nan, a PROLIFIC writer whom I cannot help but be in awe of (also heeeelp I don't have your tumblr, poke me and I will tag you!)

Old Crows and Young Cardinals - This is an interesting one! This fic seem barely started, but it's mostly because the rest of it require MASSIVE planning and careful writing, as it deal with time travel and has a stupidly complex plot. I cannot wait to unveil more of it.

By proxy - hehehe, another really cool gift for a friend, this time for Lieara/Allyria! Even if this list is making me realise how many of yall tumblrs I don't know. I feel like an Old man trying to remember phone number lmao.

Day 2 - Bootworship and Sister of battle - a fun little fic part of the "40 kink for 40k" challenge that I NEED to continue, started by the wonderful @iapetusneume . Also.... Lesbian. Need more Lesbian.

The only way - A other fic that I had completely forgotten that I wrote. It's such a strange feeling, to reread your own words and go "I did this??" It's not bad, but it was written during one of those hard period of the year, and as such feel extra alien to me.

Day 1 - Geneseed, but sexy and Homeworld - another 40k for 40 kink fic, this one was a LOT of fun to write! Amd kinda specifically made for @bobthebobhere , another good friend in this fandom!

The miracle of science (and children) - a gift fic that was supose to be part of an exchange, but took too long! This one is for @shootertron-stuff , an artist that I highly respect and love! If you like it kinky, go tead their stuff, they are an inspiration.

In the Lion's Den. - Hahahahahaha lmao. So, fun fact: On reddit, there is a user who post horribly misogynist/homophobic Tau torture porn with his OC chapter. I got mad, and wrote a spit gay porn fic of his OCs. To his credit, he rolled with it and was amused at it. I still don't like him, and never will, but I have his blessing to keep it up, so!

The Bird, The Wolf and the Keeper - a little experiment, in poetry format fic. I liked it well enough, and will attempt some more in 2024 I think :)

(A secret fic exchange, yet to be revealed)

(another one!)

So.... 18 fics total. I think there should be pride in that. I like the variety of them, even if I want to push out more, do more unique and stranger fic, for 2024. It was a difficult year, but creating so much made it easier, made it more worth it. I am... Happy, with it all.

If you have questions about my fics, now is the time! Otherwise, I will see you soon, with more writing, and more joy in sharing.

I wish you all a wonderful year 2024, better than the last, safety, comfort, and peace. May we all had fun in this fandom!

[lexcellence]

BANSHEE???? THE COP?????

look, i went from the available choices, and my vote went to Beto anyway

Let's break these choices down, yeah?

Cyclops - tl;dr There are specific periods of time where Scott is "hot," and the vast majority of the time he isn't! Is he my blorbo? Yes. Do I run a sideblog where the header is his Foxy Grandpa Ass jutting out? Of course. Can I vote him in good conscience? I don't think so.

Colossus - the man spent how much time trying to fuck a fourteen year old? He heard Mutants were moving to a sex cult island and was baffled because his dead pal Jeff was a human. Pass.

Gambit - not even with Rogue's dick.

Wolverine - I only barely believe he can find the clit, and have ZERO confidence he could locate my prostate, and I'm unsure enough about his grooming habits that I wouldn't willingly put any part of myself in any part of him. Pass.

Iceman - Closeted Iceman? Maybe. But out Iceman is an overcompensating baby gay written almost exclusively by straight dudes, and I have a strict policy of never touching white gays who have "BBC" in their search history.

Warren Kenneth Worthington the Third - do you know what happens to Angel's love interests? I'd rather not be hatecrimed by Cameron Hodge for a few sweaty minutes of underwhelming halfhearted bottoming from a princess who provides the own stuffing for his pillows. Keep flying, birdboy.

Nightcrawler - I know, I know, the man is a sex icon, but I'm not getting involved in any of that family drama. If it's not his evil lesbian moms trying to kill me, it'd be his step-sisters trying to get back in his spandex. Not worth it, especially after all that shit in Way of X.

Havok - Matt Fraction's Clint Barton: The Mutant Flavor???? Listen, I adore a broken man who knows his place as much as the next nigga, don't get me wrong, but if I'm not picking Scott, I'm definitely not picking his Luigi.

I do appreciate his commitment to the bit, though.

Banshee - let's jump back to Cyclops for a minute. Without getting into shipping war bullshit, most of the times he's been "hot" are when he's playing off of Emma Frost, right? Emma's tertiary mutation is the ability to make everyone else more interesting just by association, because she's fucking great. I mean I just read an Iron Man book for her, for fuck's sake. Back in the 90's, when she was newly not-evil, she and Banshee were essentially the co-leads of Generation X, a book that, when it wasn't being the New New New Mutants, about two unreasonably sexy people who couldn't stand each other being unreasonably sexy at each other. Even putting that aside (and if you read a few issues, you'll get it), the man's spent decades dedicated to flying around with his tits out due to mysterious clothing damage, amd I appreciate that.

Sunspot - look, I fixated on him when I was nine, as the only character I could find who was like me at all, and that was ignoring all the gay subtext with his best friend even before it turned into outright queerbaiting. I grew up with him, and he's only gotten better since then. He's the only dude in my top 5 muties. He's flawless (give or take bad taste in men and a propensity for being whitewashed), he's perfect, he's hilarious, he's my vote AND yours, he's Sunspot.

Cannonball - in my seminal 2020 fic, "How Many Times Would You Say You've Been In Love," I summed Beto's Best Boy up thusly:

Sam laughed, a quiet, gentle, chuckle that crinkled the corners of his eyes, not that Roberto could bring himself to look at them. Instead his own eyes travelled everywhere else, from Sam's mess of a mop, to his strong jaw, to the gap in his front teeth, his okay-for-a-white-boy lips, the freckles that covered his nose, and ending up… 

Do I love Sam as a character? Absolutely, he's one of the best. But he's not hot, he's a lapse in taste. Love conquers all, they say. 😔

Bishop - as one of exactly two Black men the poll listed, I want to give Bishop his flowers, but I have never read a good Bishop story where he wasn't awful. No baby gays, but no self-hating Black genocidaires, either.

[97-liners]

Okay first of all, im defending her because of the content of the fic amd i have personally read it, NOT because she specifically is my friend. And second of all im not asking anyone to become personal friends with authors i didnt even imply that, i mean if ur gonna read an author, looking at gheir page a bit might be helpful but thats optional, now for the last bit if you read the first four paragraphs of a fic and go "oh this isnt for me" then it ISNT for you, dont assume the rest of the fic is bad or it doesnt get better, angst is a genre that exists and it has vsrying levels, just because it isnt for you doesnt mean its disgusting or wrong especially in this context. For example, i like to read angsty fics about dealing with weight issues because of my ed but that doesnt mean its for everyone and it doesnt mean the fic is GLORIFYING anything such as "being skinny" which the fic isnt even about btw

You always go on when people have a counter arguement trying to own them like "oh well this defense train" "oh well your her friend so your biased" i have a working brain dont i ??? I can come to conclusions myself without bias, im coming to you in your asks as a fat person, not as her friend although yes i am going to defend her. If i see bullshit i call it out, if she was in the wrong i wouldve 100% told her that, i think we have talked to each other enough for you to know this about me anyway but all you ever want to do is be in the right about things and blame other people and be self righteous and im kind of sick of defending you for it to my other mutuals but this was definitely the last straw. Slandering people for fics that you personally dislike as opposed to it being ACTUALLY harmful is crossing a pretty big line and this is ridiculous

this entire ask has nothing to do with the previous rant you sent in my inbox or the original anon that was hurt and the subsequent discussions but ok

but since you’re so insistent of me reading the full fic, i did. and i still don’t see how it’s supposed to be an angst fic about overcoming bullying when the entire premise is “i was bullied for being fat, then i lost weight and got really fit and skinny, and now everybody is fawning over me”

this isn’t a “this isn’t for me” reaction, this is a “this is cruel and i feel shitty and ugly reading it” reaction.

from the start, there’s so much emphasis on the contrast between the former self and the better, more attractive and more successful current self. the current self is repeatedly emphasized to be thin and fit.

throughout the entire fic there’s continued references to how attractive both characters are and it’s almost always tied to thinness (eg hoshi’s sharp jaw and muscles)

i understand that maybe this is why you said this is angst about overcoming bullying. but if “overcoming” bullying is you losing a lot of weight and entirely changing your lifestyle and appearance, and “overcoming” is also your former bullies being envious of your success, then that’s a really fucked to message to communicate.

this isn’t a case where writing is bad and i don’t like it, the writing is okay both from a technical standpoint and from a style standpoint. but the content is actively harmful. like, sorry if you can’t see it, or if you think that it’s positive representation of the experience of being bullied. i hope you can overcome that and set healthier expectations.

[richardsgraysons]

Hello, this is for the matchup event

Im 5'6 and my hair is naturally blonde but rn it's dyed pink and it reaches my lower back. My eyes are grey and I wear glasses.

For personality I'm shy at first cause it takes time for me to get used to people and even longer to open up to them. Once I am used to someone tho I'm usually the dirty minded friend in the group. I really like kids and animals and find them so cute but too much fur makes me sneeze/congested so I need to take allergy medicine if I'm around a long of them. I'm very touchy with people I a close to and love cuddles.

For hobbies I'm kind of a workaholic and work nights most of the time but I my free time I like reading webtoons, playing genshin impact, and watchingYouTube. Usually is something videogame related or book related if im not listening to music on there. I love romance books especially if it's fantasy. I prefer watching people play and talking about books they read rather tan doing it myself. I dye my hair quite a bit and love doing unnatural colors. Also I'm leaning how to sew/ crochet but al I can so is mend holes, fix buttons amd make blankets.

Sorry if it's awkward and long, it's my first time doing an ask. <3

JASON TODD

something about you just screams you’d attract jason todd. i’m thinking you’re studying late night in a public library when two face barges in, fighting jason as red hood. he’s awfully surprised because it’s three in the morning, but you pay the librarian extra to study in here by yourself. he’s extremely worried

but something about you intrigues him. so after the reparations, jason finds everything about you he can. he notices your similar patterns about staying late in the library and one day he, as jason todd, has the balls to talk to you by yourself in the library

yall kiss first in the library in front of the Greek myths section by accident, and then it turned into an actual kiss

you guys have a kitty cat and a doggie in your home. i feel like jason likes bigger breeds for dogs and you get to choose the cat’s breed. they’re both rescues

super supportive of you learning crocheting—“babe, dyou wanna go to the art store today? they have a 20% off today on all things crocheting!” and would honestly be a lot more observant of these things than you

lord this man has hyper fixations and they’re all books. “this fuckin’ guy…babe, you would not believe what an asshole the antagonist of this book im reading is”

the both of you are so inappropriate at wayne galas. a good way to scare off the flirts and let everyone know that you’re weird once you get to know them

[nebularaty]

Prologue: Two sides of the same coin, the shining one.

First of all, hello amd welcome to my Blog.

This is my first time publishing something I wrote and I would love to get corrected if any of this is written wrong!

This is probably going to have a lot of parts, so buckle up!

Please give me feedback and Ideas for the story, I will make a seperate part on what kind of story this is going to be, so maybe visit my Blog and hope I already uploaded something.

Have fun reading!

Unknown POV:

Nothing.

Just simply nothing.

A person standing with their back to me with dark brown hair that was as clean as the sky on a warm summer day, it took a lot of concentration to shut everything out.

Then I slowly let a few things back in.

The light sound of rain hitting the ground where puddles had already formed, the feeling of the rain hitting my skin softly as if it was a soft caress from a Goddess and the sound of my breathing in my ears.

It was beatiful.

Deep breath in an deep breath out, just like she always said.

It was like the sound of my breathing drowned everything out as if being imprinted in my brain, the sound of the rain only a background noise.

There was nothing.

Until there wasn't.

It was like the soft humming of a lullaby sung by a mother to her crying child or the reconciliation I had with my best friend over the fight we had years ago that nearly took her life.

Calming, soothing and everything everyone could ever want.

Running through my veins, nourishing my brain with new energy and helping me back into reality.

The sound if rain got louder, the soft sound of energy subsiding as a small smile creeped onto my face.

My eyes fluttered open with a deep breath and it took my eyes a bit to adjust to the light, even if it was getting dark.

The feeling of energy cursing through my veins was refreshing, like a reboot.

These were moment I thought that being a magic user was a blessing, nothing bad in the world existed at the moment.

After a while I looked to my side, a familiar pair of brown eyes looking back at me.

There was bitterness in her eyes, bitterness that I knew all too well.

I felt it every time I laid awake in my bed at night, every time I got made fun of by some idiotic men that I wouldn't even call men, rather boys.

I felt it every time I learned once again that you couldn't save everyone, especially not the ones that don't want to be saved.

The sad thing was that her emotions didn't weighed mine done in any way, I didn't feel the usual pity for her that I carried in my heart and I didn't feel her sadness.

It was like she shut me out while I tried to let her in.

I knew why.

She didn't want me to feel bad too, to just cherish this moment of peace for myself and don't care about her.

The energy that cursed through my veins wouldn't let me feel bad, only good emotions were allowed.

It was healing and soothing my screaming and crying soul in the most gentle way someone could ever experience.

[wind-vp]

the way my life completely shifted since the pandemic, it is truly something.

i always nurtured and was extremely lucky regarding to my affective world and the conexions i made.

i always had a strong circle, i always had super loving friendships that felt especial, solid and with so much mutually built common ground. I was -and i am- extremely apreciative of connecting with someone else. I always honored the conexions i made in my life and ALWAYS felt that love was THEE motor of my life.

Love as loving someone, as an act, as a creation and resistence from such a cold word and politics of individualism and heterosexuality. I always found my myself and pride myself, in the beautiful relationships that i built with others and also, having strong sense of self.

Now, 4 years into the pandemic, my affective/social and even my inner world just..dead. it is hard to say out loud or to recognize it but i definitely fell into such a deep deep depression and high anxiety that i can not do nothing anymoeet. My baseline was already depression and a strong anxiety that restricted me from a lot of things, and people close to me had to accommodate me in some ways, but now, im not able to do anything. Im able to only wake up and give my all, to not even achieve the basics of being alive.

i lost so much these pasts years. i lost so much of myself and pretty much everyone in my life. I grieved so much in silence, with shame, with extreme sadness.

I feel like these have been just very hard times for everyone. There is, of course, a layer of ableism regarding my situation and anyones that can relate to being isolated bc of mental health or overall health issues, but overall it is just been hard for everyone.

i lost all my friends but two of them that live v far away from me. and i'm grieving the lost of my best friend (my cat) that meant the entire world to me. I am extremely grateful for keeping them and them being so understanding. But, with that gratefulness, i hold dissapointed of myself of how limited i am, how dead, how dull and how im not really able to show up and create the type of dynamic i want to have w my loved ones and actually giving them what deserve to experience as well.

It has become incredible difficult, borderline impossible to even do the bare minimums and it doesnt happen out of "will". i think people dont truly understand that. Weponized therapy talk, universalizing moral paradigms that dont look for a more open and understanding approach to relate to each other but only seem to enforce new moral categories/punitive schemes also adds to the picture of isolation while navigating mental health issues or crisis.

i have been feeling extremely alienated of how the world continues to shape itself. I Always had. But the feeling just deepens. Where i felt i had agency to resist before, now i can't find the strength or opportunities to build myself up or new relationships and the landscape is just.. scary.

Sadly, i feel like it is no way out for me. this feeling of death has been building for so, so long without even noticing, and it amounted to actually become incapable of everything. i have no tools to get out, no hands to give me a little pull out of this amd i feel very, very incompatible with the way the world is shaped up.

i never saw myself like this. it is very hard to grasp and very hard to even foresee the slight movement in my life to crawl out of this.

[mdzs-owns-my-ass-i-guess]

I am here

The beep of a new notification awoke Lan Wangji from his slumber, the screen reading 3.04 am when he picked it up to check. It was unusual for anyone to text him that late, especially knowing he adhered to a strict 9pm curfew, so he was confused to say the least - perhaps there was an emergency? Or someone accidentally messaged him instead of someone else?

Regardless, he unlocked his phone and was greeted with a voice message from... Wei Ying? Sure, they talked and were friends (to be specific, Lan Wangji had a massive crush on him, but Wei Ying didn't particularly notice that and Lan Wangji didn't try to make it too obvious either), but that was the first time Wei Ying messaged him so late in the night.

Lan Wangji knew that, unlike himself, Wei Ying had a hectic sleep schedule and lived off some very questionable concoctions to stay awake (how he was alive, Lan Wangji didn't know), but 3 am was late even for his standards. Had he been drinking or something? Lan Wangji sighed, prepared himself to hear perhaps some drunken nonsense amd pressed play.

Wei Ying's voice sounded through the room, a forced tone of happiness.

Hey, Lan Zhan! Um, sorry I'm sending this so late, you're probably sleeping - well, I know you are, you always sleep so early... (a small laugh)...but I...

I really have nobody else to talk to right now... which is weird because I have so many friends, but it seems like everyone is... (a deep, somewhat wobbly sigh)... everyone's too busy for me today. (the sound of liquid sloshing in a bottle follows). And that's fine, you know? People have their own lives and stuff...

But... today has been hard for me and I thought... I don't know. I got written up at work today even if it wasn't my fault and they're taking 5% off my salary this month as punishment, my car broke down in the middle of that god damned storm this afternoon and I missed A-Yuan's recital... Wen Qing yelled at me for 30 minutes for it because A-Yuan's been inconsolable... he thinks I just didn't wanna be there... because I wasn't last time either, I was working late and... She took him for the weekend because she said I need to sort myself out... (sniffling) Today's been really horrible and I just... I feel a bit pathetic but... I really need someone right now.

--

Wei Ying miserably finished his bottle of wine and before reaching to open another one, a few knocks on his door broke through the silence of his apartment. He decided to ignore them and hope whoever was at the door would leave - probably someone with a wrong address or something - but when the knocking didn't stop, Wei Ying got up off the floor with an annoyed grunt and unlocked the door, ready to tell someone off.

Instead, he met eyes with Lan Zhan, a bit disheveled and obviously just woken up, carrying a bag from Wei Ying's favorite takeout place.

"Lan Zhan? What are you... doing here? It's really late and-"

"You said you needed someone."

Wei Ying's eyes welled up with tears.

"I am here."

[soullikethesea]

Meep. Pain has been pretty bad again yesterday and today. I thought I was just imagining it, but then I got those *intense moments* and I was like "OK, OK, owwwieeeee. I'm listening."

I don't know if it's just because it normally would be the week before my period now. Or because I had some cookies (sugar). Or because I did some difficult inner work.

I let Mae draw a memory and she did, but now it all feels like I'm faking. Maybe it was just a bit too much. I also still feel a lot of shame about the T session.

The good news is that a friend is going to help me with the job process. We had a long call last night and it feels so helpful to have some support. I really need it. (Which I'm also ashamed of, but nvm).

For now I mostly just wish the pain could ease. It's not as intense as it was before BC, but it's still pretty intense back and hip pain, gastrointestinal discomfort/pain, and those sharp pains. Like someone trying to put your intestines on their fork. Plus the dull pains of small patches of pain that sort of radiate out. I can still talk and walk and I'll probably also try to exercise. Hopefully that will help.

I think I need a day of distraction. No trauma stuff, please. But I can feel everything with Mae bubbling below the surface. Like when you keep failing a level in a computer game and keep trying over and over again. It feels like that, but not like I'm consciously doing that. More like it's happening in the background of my mind.

TW physical abuse, body memories

T said that when you keep getting the same flashback, it's likely trying to be heard. But I think I know this memory inside and out. Yesterday I suddenly got bruises fitting with the memory, so that is a bit intense - but I swear I don't need to get bruises to know what it felt like! (Just for those parts in the back).

I know the whole sequence. The texture of the chair. How warm it was in the house. My burning cheeks. The screaming and my crying. The cold floor. Grasping anything I could. The burn marks from being dragged across the floor. The pain of bumping into the side of the door. The hand on my arm. The duplo I had been playing with. How he made sure to close the door behind us. The stern talk about how I was going to have to feel it. - The hitting part is surprisingly blank. - Then back at the table. How everyone looked away. How I still could not eat.

How I forgot this ever happened, until I remembered when I was 10 - when Mae was the main ANP.

She drew the memory using numbers instead of normal lines. All the doors have numbers. The fingers of the hand that dragged me away. (The endlessly big painting that was randomly generated using colour numbers, but I probably can't have known about that back then).

I don't think he said anything while hitting me, but maybe I counted it to myself. Because while drawing I kept hearing counting and then I remembered that nero was originally called zero. Like he started existing right before.

But that feels so, so, so fake. Like I'm just trying to make up a story that fits. Like when you find something in your pocket and you tell yourself what probably happened, but maybe something else happened entirely.

I don't know why this memory keeps coming up. Maybe it's because the physical aspect makes it count as "real abuse" in my head, especially back when we had no idea of the impact of neglect (looking at you, Mae). Maybe it's also because I haven't fully accepted and felt the fear in it.

The fear and anger, because I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong. And I wasn't trying to be bad. The sun and the heat were massively overstimulating, and then I also had to eat food that felt like it was going to kill me because it was so intense. I refused to eat. And then my dad dragged me away amd hurt me, because I refused.

I was only three or four. My little brother didn't exist yet. It was one of the first dinners with my stepmum.

I think that objectively the memory is not that bad. But I guess it's the message that spoke to me - that I wasn't safe, wasn't going to be protected, wasn't going to be understood or comforted. Was alone. That no matter how much I fought to protect myself, that wasn't always going to work. I was a bad kid. I made them do it to me.

Zero is a good name. Right before. The body and mind try to protect itself. Right that moment, I encapsulated all of my father's shame. The intergenerational trauma and his inner child.

"You beat it in me, that part of you // but I'm going to split us back in two." (Elliott Smith - 2:45 AM).

I still feel the shame and maybe that's why it keeps coming back. The shame and the rage and the internal conflict of being good vs. bad. It is such a strong drive for repetition, for trying to solve the conflict somehow. I still feel that same fear from back then whenever I have contact with my family now. Even when it's only a small memory in everything that happened.

I still don't know how to process it.

[hauntedbythefanficsofmypast]

Magic Marinette

Marinette is Zatanna's older cousin and can practice magic herself. Her magic is different however. For most low level spells she simply has to think of what the spell is intended for. For a harder spell she needs to chant much like Zatanna.

Marinette practices at home with her Uncle Zatara occasionally visiting with Zatanna. Magic comes naturally to Marinette, she likes to claim that it just flows in and out of her.

Marinette is 13 (Zatanna is only 6) when she becomes Ladybug, her magic and Tikki's combining flawlessly. The two are a magical power house, so much so that Marinette has to lock her aura down so that she'll only appear as a low level mage. Zatara is proud of his niece for becoming a hero, although he isn't exactly pleased, he knows better than to mess with the Kwami.

He is there for her every step of the way only a call away. When Marinette's friends turn against her and she ends up with only four left  he and Zatanna are there to comfort her. When her parents start feeding into the lies he is incredibly angry. Especially when he sees the broken look on his beloved nieces face. Zatara is quick to suggest he take complete custody over Marinette, her parents agree and sign away their rights.

Zatara helps Marinette pack her things and moves her into an apartment in Paris. Until Marinette is 18 he'll be spending the majority of his time in Paris with her. Zatanna grows up beside Marinette looking up to her as a big sister. Marinette lives up to that roll always spoiling Zatanna. 

When Marinette becomes Guardian Zatara helps her navigate how to deal with her new responsibilities. A few weeks later when she shows up hand in hand with a blonde boy, he recognizes him immediately. After a quick shovel talk Adrien is practically adopted into the family. His and Marinette's relationship blossomed beautifully. 

Zatara has Marinette transferred out of her current class and Adrien follows her. The two are barely separate from each other, but when they are their former classmates take advantage of it. Marinette is constantly watching her back when she is alone. Especially when Bustier's class fails to make all their fundraising goals, Marinette can feel them glaring at her.

The class takes turns finding ways to bully Marinette. Alya posts embarrassing pictures of her, Rose tells everyone stories of her trying to get Adrien's attention calling her terrible names. Alix and Nathaniel kick her out of the Art Club. Kim and Alix push her around in the halls and so on. With Lila acting as the innocent bystander.

The class becomes more and more toxic towards themselves and others. This results in the entire school avoiding them, they however blame Marinette for everything. Even though she hasn't thought of them except for when they're bullying her.

Marinette is pissed when Bunnyx comes back from the future and takes the Bunny Miraculous from her. She immediately gives it to her younger self. Now Ladybug and Chat Noir have to work around an untrained liability.

When Marinette is 18 Zatanna is 11.

During their final year Adrien proposes to Marinette after asking Zatara's permission. Marinette agrees to marry him amd the wedding is set for the summer after they graduate.

The wedding never comes. After they graduate they face off with Hawkmoth and Mayura in one final battle. They had defeated Mayura and Chat was about to take Hawkmoth's Miraculous when Bunnyx showed up. She uses Burrow and endes up knocking Chat into an unknown part of time. Everything is silent as Ladybug stares at the space her partner had been in waiting for him to show up. When no one arrives a heartbreaking scream tears through her. All of Paris watches their last hero break down crying, with a burst of rage she defeats Hawkmoth unmasking him. Then charges Bunnyx using her magic to take her down.

Kcol reh ni ecalp htiw ton a elgnis hctiwt!!

Lock her in place with not a single twitch!!

Bunnyx is frozen as Ladybug rips her Miraculous away de-transforming her. She glares at her through her tears, before telling her that she was never meant to be a hero.

Ladybug then leaves with all the Miraculous except for Plagg.

Marinette de-transforms in her room, tears falling as she stares despondently at the ground. Before she utters a simple incantation releasing Alix from where she was frozen.

Cogam sesaeler eht eno I evah dnuob.

Magic releases the one I have bound.

Marinette remains there only moving when Zatanna comes in and sits on her lap. Marinette sniffles hugging her tightly, crying while Zatanna comforts her, crying softly as well.

The next day they are visited by an elderly old man with a kind smile. He introduces himself as Alfred Pennyworth. A mischievous smile crosses his face as he makes eye contact with Marinette.

Alfred-I didn't always go by that though. The love of my life used to call me kitty.

Marinette-Adrien?

Alfred simply smiled sadly nodding before telling her that she cannot go get him.

Alfred- I was sent back so long ago. When you never came I began to make a life for myself. I joined MI-16 and was adopted into a family. Became a butler and was loyal to the Wayne family. I had a son in all but blood, his name is Bruce. It's funny Bugaboo, he has the same black hair and blue eyes as you. Some nights I would pretend that he was our child. Marinette I love you but my life as Alfred Pennyworth cannot be removed from history. This is why I am asking you to move on, find love again.

Marinette sobs softly into his shoulder telling him that she'll do her best. Alfred smiles before pulling out a familiar ring placing it in her hand. Before telling Plagg that he better keep his Princess safe. Marinette giggles softly kissing him on his cheek.

Marinette- Keep in touch please Adrien, I can't live without you at least in my life.

Alfred nods kissing Marinette's hands gently before bidding all three of them goodbye.

Marinette continues on with her life but she doesn't fall in love again. She knows in her heart thay the only one for her was Adrien. Marinette becomes a famous fashion designer by day and Mari by night. She begins training Zatanna along with Zatara. Helping stop bag guys with  simple spells. When Zatanna is 15 she encourages Zatara to let her hang out with the Young Justice team and be a part of it. She happily spies through a seeing glass to see their first meeting. Marinette giggles when her cousin takes an instant liking to the young boy wonder. She smiles softly at the picture of the boy knowing that he was Alfred's honorary grandson.

A few weeks later Marinette is working to reunite the dimensions. When they make it back she is heartbroken to see her cousin with the Helmet of Fate. Zatara immediately tries to convince him to take him instead but Marinette stops him.

Marinette- Release my cousin and take me instead Nabu.

Nabu-No, you barely show any signs of magic.

Marinette huffs before chanting a reversal incantation on the spell she put in place all those years ago. Her aura fills the area allowing everyone to feel her magic.

Marinette-If you release her you can have me. I just need to do a few things first.

Nabu- Very well.

He released Zatanna, Zatara is quick to hug her before turning to Marinette angry demanding to know why she did that with tears in his eyes. Marinette smiled softly before kissing his cheeks softly then kissing Zatanna's. She summons a pen and paper with an envelope writing out a letter to Alfred. She sealed the envelope before turning to Robin.

Marinette- Please deliver this to Agent A for me little birdie. Tell him Ladybug said it was important.

She pats his head gently before smiling softly at Batman.

Marinette- He thinks of you as his son, but he'll never admit it because he doesn't want to take your father's place. Trust me though, a child can have more than one father. 

She said glancing down at Robin when she said it. She turned away from them looking down at her cousin once again.

Marinette- Zatanna, my dearest cousin. I will be departing soon and with that I need to name the next Guardian. Will you uphold and protect the Kwami to the best of your ability?

As she is speaking, Marinette holds out her hands the Miraculous box and Gilmore appears in them. Zatanna chokes back a sob before nodding.

Zatanna- Ib accept.

Marinette passed her the box smiling gently as Tikki flew out of her coat pocket.

Marinette- This is goodbye Tikki, we made a good team didn't we?

Tikki- We were the best Marinette. 

Tikki and Marinette smile gently, a few tears slipping past as Tikki kissed Marinette's forehead gently.

Marinette- Zatanna, I hear by name you the new holder of the Ladybug Miraculous. Treat her well and she shall bring you everlasting luck.

Marinette unclips her earring, clipping them into Zatanna's ears gently.

Marinette-You will make a fine Ladybug.

Zatanna- I'll be nothing like you.

Marinette- No, you'll be better.

She kissed her forehead gently before turning to Zatara as he pulled her into a tight hug. She sniffled softly hugging back just as tightly. She released him, pushing herself away and closer to Nabu.

Marinette- Please dont blame yourselves. I made this decision not you. Goodbye, I love you.

Marinette turned allowing the helmet to close around her, becoming Doctor Fate.

Upon returning to the Watchtower, Alfred arrived wearing a mask of his own before walking over to his two charges. Robin held the letter out to him shifting nervously.

Robin- Ladybug said it was important.

Alfred's eyes widen as he takes the letter opening it.

Adrien, I'm sorry but I was never able to move on from you. You were and always will by my true love. I'm afraid this is my goodbye, please don't do anything stupid love. You're not as young as you were when we were together. You've raised a good son, I wish I could have been by you the entire time. I love you Adrien. -Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

Alfred turned to Zatanna and Zatara as a tear fell. They nodded solemnly soon more tears joined them as he stood there silently. A few moments went by before Alfred dabbed his face gently singing quietly to himself.

Alfred- Miraculous, simply the best, up to the test when things go wrong, Miraculous the luckiest….Im Chat Noir. At night I rule, my ring is charged with energy, my claws are out just watch and see.

Alfred's shoulders shook as he thought of all their time together. He took a deep breath before turning back to Zatanna. 

Alfred- In every letter she wrote she was always so proud of you. She always told me that you were going to be great one day, even better than her. My princess will always be proud of you, take it from your almost cousin.

Zatanna sniffled before snorting and hugging Alfred.

Zatanna-God you got so old and sappy Adrien.

Alfred-Its Alfred now and that's what happens when you get thrown back in time and aged.

He turned to Batman and Robin with a sad smile on his face.

Alfred-I think it's time you both hear of my life before MI-16.

@blackmagicforever

@chocolateherringtacofan

@mythogaychic

[autisticlee]

whenever I say I want a friend group to do stuff with as a group but struggle to get that, I always get responses from people saying they hate being part of a group of friends and avoid it and i'm better off only having a few individual friends. because friend groups are drama and stuff.

what they think I want is a group of friends who are all friends together and only hang out together and don't have other friends outside of this group or something like that probably. that's not actually what i'm saying. I had that once and it ended with individual friends I brought together and introduced to each other becoming closer friends with each other and kicking me out. I dont really want that again. so i'm not looking for a group chat that talks daily.

what I want more and actually mean is a group of individual friends or people who are get acquainted and get along well enough who can come together as a group and do group activities with me. they don't all be friends outside of these activities. they just do stuff with me because they all like me I guess??? (difficulty level: impossible) for example: play multi-player video games, do a cosplay group of multiple characters from one series, do photoshoots or videos or some other creative project together, go bowling or play tennis or something. I want to do activities that require/would be better with more than me alone or one other person. we don't need to chat every day or even every month. we don't need to necessarily chat outside of the activities. I just want enough people that want to be around me that they agree to meet up as a group and participate in the activities I want to do with them!

also, i get that some autistic people are overwhelmed by too many people and not getting to converse. as an autistic that struggles to talk and converse, I feel overwhelmed and pressured when i'm with only one person and am forced to talk and entertsim that person the whole time. if i'm with more people, they can talk and entertain each other. I just want them to include me and talk to me but not expect me to speak the entire time and entertain them. not assume i'm bored or hate them because i'm not speaking. they let me enjoy the activity with them and include me, but they don't make me the center of attention. I can't multitasking. I like doing things with people. either you get a disjointed and bad conversation from me only (which requires a quiet space like sitting at my house doing nothing) or we do something fun and I don't force myself to talk the whole time and enjoy the activities instead. everyone hates "awkward silence" and wants to have verbal conversation. but that's hard for me. so I benefit from groups because of that too.

but mainly I just want people to do things with me that I need more people for. so i need a "friend group" aka a group of people i'm friends with who are OK doing things with me AND other people in a group setting. most individual friends I've bad refuse to participate in anything with more people, especially strangers. so i've missed out on and have to give up SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO.

ove been trying to get at least 5 other people to play gartic phone with me for YEARS. I had one person try to play with me and it doesn't work with 2 players 😭😭😭 this is why I need a group!!!!

as much as i'd love a cute little found found family of 3-4 of us who stifk together and love each other equally forever, I gave up on that idea. it's impossible. im better off having this other idea of friend group. JUST SO I CAN LEAVE NY HOUSE A FEW TIMES A YEAR AND GET TO EXPERIENCE THINGS IN LIFE AMD DO FUN ACTIVITIES. thats all I ask for and i get nothing. no one invites me and my invitations are turned down. meeting one-on-one is stressful and I bore the person to death when I burn my single spoon of the day before we even get to the place we go to. I dread all the "why are you so quiet/why won't you talk/what do you want to do make the decision for us/you look bored and annoyed and upset/you aren't having fun/you hate me" that get every time I do something with one person.

yeah being in a group i get left out and ignored and left behind. but THATS THE THING I WANT A GROUP THAT DOESNT DO THAT. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO HARD. WHY IS IT IMPPSSOBLE TO GET THE TYPE OF HUMAN INTERACTION I WAMT AND NEED TO LIVE A HEALTHY AND HAPPY LIFE?! I DONT UNDERSTAND. WHY AM I SO INCONVENIENT AND UNLIKEABLE AND UNWANTED AND UNWORTHY IN GENERAL! ITS UNFAIR.

you can't tell me to keep trying and find "the one(s)" and "it will happen ONE DAY" i'm tired of waiting for "one day" when this mythical one day hasn't happened in 30 years! I don't care about a possible future that may not exist. I care about HERE AND NOW ONLY. THE PRESENT. THATS WHAT MATTERS. I dont care if it took you until you're 27 or 45 or 70 to find your best friend(s) thar doesn't help me feel better! doesn't give me the hope you think it will. good for you. but i'm not you. everyone wants to give advice but no one wants to step up. I try talking to them and they tell me how to find other friends but wont realize i'm trying to be their friend! or don't give me a chance.

i've found "the one" so many times and they ended up being a false hope. I put in 100% of the work at all times. i'm the only desperate needy loser that has no close friends and get denied/ignored 99% of the time. I don't have energy for this. I can't keep doing it! no one understands how hard I try. i've tried in person stuff. i've tried discord servers. i've posted on social media. I even posted in Facebook groups and I hate Facebook with a passion. I try groups of interests I have. i'm always the weird outcast in every situation. I can't even get among with and befriend fellow autistics. I don't know what's wrong with me! i've tried talking to at least 500 different people last year if you count all active people in discord servers and Facebook groups i've tried. i've tried at least 50 individuals both online and off. nothing works!!!! I don't know why!!!

I will whine about this stuff until the day I die. alone and probably unnoticed 😔✊️ no other way to get frustration out than whine about it over and over right?

[bonsai62]

JJK Episode 19

Guys... I swear every episode gets hella better and better (but for manga readers :(...) starting from the animation!! A lil shout out to the animators!! Please, I think we all appreciate everyone who works at the animation studio to take up their time amd effort into those shots because that don’t look easy at all. And I know all the employees that work there knows that we greatly appreciates them!

Okay! Now, I will comtain manga spoilers in a section in this so if you haven’t read the manga, please, don’t look or just skip, unless you’re into spoilers by all means go for it lol. It’s gonna be the first thing I’m going to talk about!

1. Megumi about to summon his special technique:

I swear that kid was literally about to safirice himself for the sake of saving people. Idk I just had a feeling he was going to summon (you know who manga readers!) but he was stopped twice by Inumaki and Maki. I think they both told him to stop because it’s either because they know he has that special technique or they just don’t want him loosing energy. I’m telling you, you guys are gonna love Megumi more and more throughout the story and how he is as a character/his powers.

2. Inumaki is a badass mf:

If you guys read volume 0, I think even Gojo Sensei praises Inumaki and how strong he is. I think he even mentioned how he was kinda of scared of him too because Inumaki is also thag powerful! Don’t believe my words if they’re exactly what I’m saying but I know that in Vol 0, Inumaki can basically go by himself in missions because again he is powerful. I would love to learn more about his clan and just him because his techniques is one of my favs!

In today’s episode, he was really helpful and powerful. He also was pushing his limits to save his friends from Hanami. He’s okay now!!

3. Megumi & Maki Vs Hanami:

I swear there is something about the zenin’s that is one bad ass clan. Maki and Megumi know how to sync when it comes to battle but that’s because I feel they trained with each other for a long time and they’re use to their fighting skills, plus they’re the same when it comes to fighting: thinking and strategizing. It’s easy to fight along side someone who has the same mindset in the battlefield I feel becasue that’s how I feel when I see Yuji and Aoi, but I’ll get to those two later. Overall, I will say we are defiantly going to see them fight along side each other again!

I swear Maki is Megumi’s favorite cousin 😂 (or whoever tf she is to them! We still need clarification on that lol) I wish I had images of them but I was being picky on which on I wanted and I screenshotted everything 😂

4. Yuji reassuring Megumi + “if you die again, I’ll kill you myself”

These two mf... I swear I love them so much and the trust they have for each other. Yuji, my dude, Megumi is traumatized! The boy just doesn’t want to loose you man! Megumi, also, how you gonna kill Yuji if the boy is dead? But it’s okay, we understand lol!! At least Yuji promised not to die lol so that’s a good thing! And he didn’t!

5. Todo being the best fighting teacher/friend:

They’re relationship just started and they already have that perfect battle sync like Megumi and Maki. Yuji knows how to sync with people who are willing to just go for it and he does the same with Nobara (which I’m excited to see soon) and Nanamin. I love the fact that Todo gives Yuji the hardcore truth about fighting in a battle because Yuji was about to land a black flash but he was so pissed about how hurt Megumi was and what happened to Junpei. Todo noticed and made Yuji snap out of it and if Todo was my teacher best believe I would’ve said “thanks man!”. Plus, he is very patient. I also like when he made Yuji go out on his one and wouldn’t step in until he landed a black flash. Like, who tf does that?! Usually, they would do a double tag but no, this is very different. Yeah, they end up fighting together but Todo gave Yuji time to study and smart when it came to fighting Hanami. Damn man can Todo be my teacher??

But, I do want to say more about being angry in battles. Sometimes, when you’re pissed off especially when fighting, yeah anger plays a big role but it can also make you loose focus because you are focusing on someone and their well being. It hurts to see your friends or family in pain and it gets you angry but at that moment you have to let go and focus on what’s in front of you. That is what Todo is teaching Yuji and he had to tell him a couple of times and remind him that it’s just like that when you are a jujutsu sorcerer. It’s not an easy job whatsoever.

Other than that it was another enjoyable episode. I hope you guys like my reviews and lil thoughts into it because this anime is really in a whole different level when it comes to shounen mangas. It’s different and has a different pace. A very fast pace but it’s still good!

[disasterfandoms]

You Shouldn’t Be Alone || A Seal Team Story

(this is a horrible gif as this has nothing to do with Ray)

Summary: Amelia has a no good, terrible, very bad day; with heartbreaking results.

A/N: My brain wouldn’t shut up last night so it finished this story part of the story. This is a three parter, and it’s part of the ao3 series myself amd @bravo-four-seal-team created. This is set early season 1, before Clay joins the team. It’s mostly Naima, Amelia, and Ashley this chapter, with Trent coming in later.

TW: injuries, hospitals, mention of death, mention of people coding, mentions of health spiraling, implication of miscarriage, mention of grief, mention of pain meds

Taglist: @twentydavid @bravo-four-seal-team @a-kate3 @rebelwrites @chibsytelford @supervalcsi @jayhalsteadfan-2417 @thegirlwhoisalwayswriting @mrsmarvelous1995​ @velvetcardiganbucky​ @itsonautopilot​ @pinkrockstar19​ @galaxysanduniversesinmymind​ @abby-splace​

Amelia was just so, so tired of today.

Everything that could go wrong, did. The morning started with a minor argument with Trent, nothing they couldn’t handle, but still annoying. Then, a rude stranger ran into her, causing their coffee to spill all over her scrubs, resulting in her having to change into surgery scrubs when she got to work. 

Work was an absolute nightmare: back-to-back-to-back codes, rapids, anything that could go wrong did go wrong. She had a patient die, got another, then they died. 

And now she’s a patient in the ER.

Every breath she took included a sharp pain from her broken ribs resisting. Her left arm is in a sling, broken collarbone, apparently; her body littered with massive bruising. Swollen lip, stitches on her right cheek. Massive black eyes, a broken nose that was corrected a few minutes ago. Grade I concussion, so while the best-case scenario, still annoying. Her throat was sore from the hands trying to end her; that’s going to bruise badly later, she noted. The bruises, scratches on her arms will heal; they might be the least irritating injuries she sustained today. Her sore back and bruised pelvis from being slammed against the wall may be the most annoying. Her legs are in surprisingly good shape, a dislocated knee being the only injury that’s worth noting. Nothing came as close as devastating as to why she was bleeding, though. 

She shook her head, wincing as she did. She won’t go there; no one is to know about that one except for her, her medical team, and Trent. Fuck, Trent. He’s going to be devastated, or relieved; she honestly still can’t tell how he felt.

 That injury in itself would garner a lot of pity. She despises pity. Everyone around her was trying to do it, though, from her nurse, Naima, to her coworkers who keep coming down to check on her. She appreciates the concern, she does, but she’s okay; it could have been a lot worse. 

 Needs a new chain for her locket, once again, stupidly annoying. It’s her comfort blanket; it lets her have what’s special to her near her heart at all times. Again, nothing that can’t be fixed, but also stupidly annoying.

Naima threw the curtain back, came into her space, and then closed them to give the two nurses some privacy. 

“Dr. Mann would rather you stay overnight to make sure you’re stable, and that way Dr, Leigh can do the procedure in the morning.” 

Amelia shook her head, then winced again. She really, really needs to stop doing that! “No way in hell, Naima. I’m fine; I just got a little banged up! And I’ll come back in the morning for the procedure.”

Naima sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. God, her friend was stubborn. “Who’ll drive you? That sling stops you from even considering driving yourself.”

“So, you mean to tell me that I can’t drive home?”

 “Amelia Rose Carter! You know better than that. I’ll try to convince Mann to let you go, see if we can arrange a follow-up visit or something in the morning. I’ll call your emergency contact on file, see if they can come to pick you up.”

“No!” Amelia attempted to scream, but her voice still sounds strangled and barely came out above a whisper, “Please don’t call him. He doesn’t need to know, not yet.” Amelia, begging? This is something Naima hasn’t seen from the young nurse. She could swear she saw tears starting to form in the young woman’s eyes, whether from pain or the thoughts racing in her head.

Naima crossed her arms, walking over to lean on the stretcher beside Amelia. “Amelia, is your emergency contact someone you’re afraid of?”

Amelia would have smiled, laughed at the thought, even, had her lip not be swollen, and her throat didn’t feel like fire. “No, Naima. If you looked in my file, you’d see why. He’s just very protective of me, and while I love him more than I thought I could love anyone, his care will feel like suffocation. And now I sadly know what that feels like,” she paused and listened to Naima chuckle. The older nurse then apologized, but Amelia made a motion to stop that; she’s glad someone could laugh at her dark humor. “He’s going to be so pissed about in the morning, though. We were so close to telling everyone that we were-” she stopped, tears welling up in her blackened eyes again, but Naima got the point. She grabbed the battered woman’s uninjured hand and squeezed it in reassurance.

“Okay. So if not him, then who do you want to be called? I know you mentioned a brother?”

“Scott, yeah. He’s out in the field, I think. You wouldn’t want him here. He’d take one look at me and then want the name of the patient who did this and probably threatens to kill them.”

“Okay, so boyfriend and brother are off the list. Anyone else you can think of?”

“Boyfriend’s sister? I don’t know her that well, except for the times I helped take care of her last fall. She’d be able to drive me home, though, at the very least.”

“What’s her name, and do you have her number?”

“Ashley Sawyer, and her number is in my phone,” Amelia pulls up the number and continues to speak while Naima copies it down, “Be warned, she told me she doesn’t like hospitals. You may have to break HIPAA and mention my name for her to answer the second time.”

“Second time?”

“She’ll hang up once you get out that you’re a nurse at St. Samuel’s.” This made both women chuckle. 

“Okay, I’ll go try her cell, just rest for a while, okay? Need some more pain meds before I leave?”

“You know I hate pain medicine, especially morphine. Makes my head fuzzy,” Amelia declined, she definitely didn’t need that if she had to go home to her apartment.

“Okay. I’m gonna go call her, okay?”

“Good luck.”

Little did Naima know, she was going to need it. 

Getting back to the nurses’ station, she talked to the doctor, who agreed to discharge the stubborn nurse as long as Amelia came back to the ER if she was having any complications. While the Dr. worked on getting the discharge ready, Naima called the number she received and waited for a voice on the other end.

“What do you want?” The voice said snappily, clearly irritated by someone calling her.

“Ashley, this is Naima, I am a nurse at St. Samuel’s Ho-“

Click. 

Naima sighed, preparing to call the number again. Amelia at least warned her of this happening. She picked up the phone, dialed the number, and waited for a response. This time, the number went straight to voicemail. “Ms. Sawyer, this is Naima, a nurse at St. Samuel’s Hospital. A significant other of a family member has asked that we call you to come to pick them up when they’re discharged. Please call back at this number, thank you.”

She hung up the phone and hoped that Ashley would hear the message before too long. 

Within half an hour, the same phone rang again, Naima picked up the phone and answered, “St. Samuel’s ER this Naima speaking, how can I help you?”

“You called this number a half-hour ago?” “Is this Ms. Sawyer?” “Who else would it be?” “Ms. Sawyer, this is a hospital and this isn’t my personal phone here. I’m asking for clarification, as there are about 10 phone calls per hour on this phone alone.” “You called me for a reason, snap to it.” “Yes, your brother’s girlfriend, Amelia, has asked me to call on her behalf for you to come to pick her up upon discharge,” “Shit. Is she okay, and why me?” “She’s been injured fairly well, with several bruises, several broken bones, and a dislocated knee. The doctor asked she stay for tonight, but Ms. Carter is refusing. She requested you, claiming your brother would be ‘too suffocating’”

Naima heard the woman laugh on the other end of the phone. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be laughing since it’s clear she’s banged up pretty well. Not wrong about Trent, though.”

Wait. No, that can’t be. Well, shit. Naima pieces together what she knows about her friend’s boyfriend. Oh, she’s so telling her husband about this.

“If you agree to pick her up and take her home, you can come at any time and I’ll come out to the waiting room and bring you back. I must warn you, though, she looks rough and shouldn’t be left alone tonight. She’ll probably ask you to take her apartment to leave her be. Don’t.”

“Shit, is it that bad?” “It’s not great. The concussion she sustained would be the main worry. That and god forbid she fell and no one was there to help her. She’ll need someone to bring her back in the morning, as well, and she’s incredibly stubborn about being able to drive herself,” “She got injured, and you all are going to make her come back to work the next day?” “What? No, ma’am, she has a procedure unrelated to her injury in the morning, and claims she’ll come in and do it outpatient instead of staying,” “She’s as stubborn as the rest of us, damn,” she paused, sighing into the phone, “I’ll be there in 30 minutes.”

“Okay. Let the front desk know to alert me when you’ve arrived and I’ll bring you to her. Thank you, Ms. Sawyer.”

Click. 

Sighing, Naima went back to filling out the paperwork, figuring out how or when she’ll confront her friend about dating someone on her husband’s team. For now, she’ll finish the paperwork on another patient, waiting for Trent’s sister to arrive.