afghanprincess69

[afghanprincess69]

Jan 31st

I know now how I got to that egocentric state in vancouver because this city of abundance gives me everything I need I easily comb through it for my deepest hearts desires I inhale oxygenated atmosphere deep through my lungs I intoxicate on the purity of the rainfall my pure heart receives the pure elemental powers I feel deeply myself. and it became mistakenly extended to the sham of the articulations of mere humans. Yes, I believe I locked eyes with maddy tonight. Looking every bit a wasp in a buttoned up white cardigan. on a platonic date with will. all the judgement in here eyes, big forehead still. she was mid-bite. and we locked eyes. stepford ass wasp.

[afghanprincess69]

to my heart of stone, i just go on my routine - slowly adding more stones of interest to accompany it on our journey

[afghanprincess69]

dreams - jan 19

mr hartley folz was my teacher. he picked a ying yang hat, i adjusted it in the back there was so much snow for the snow play day. I looked in the trash and I found a discarded gift to someone else of pulled butterfly wings. I kept it, reveling in my luck. cozy homes in the snow

[afghanprincess69]

jan 18

strange parts of me that might just be remnants of you, my ocular bloodmote my singular dimple

[afghanprincess69]

jan 16 every 'my' is an extension of myself my hair, my eyes, my limb my boyfriend. my husband my city. my life. my god all extensions of my self

[afghanprincess69]

there's someone coming for me, and it's myself it's myself everywhere I look i make it, i make it

[afghanprincess69]

Text: Our family sells good quality sleep, the most popular stall in the market, so popular the constables look the other way. Sleep can only be stolen, a rare and illegal art. 

[afghanprincess69]

jan 13

i'm keeping my eyes locked in forward. im taking a vow of yessness towards life. in vancouver, i'll be alone again but i will think of my sermons. i will think of delivering my sermon's. i will be happy with my mother. i will listen to keep sermons - saying yes to those sermon's in front of me. and the friends in mtl - claudia. sarah, max -- to a lesser extend sov tali. they are all here for me when i want just onwards to the sermons. yes to the sermons of life. and i will deliver them too. i stand a lone just like the sun- shining forever i will be here just like this. senses locked to my blessed sermons. forever here, saying yes to myself that haunts me in all. creating beautiful things. creating beautiful hauntings out there for ever

[afghanprincess69]

things I would do if I lived forever jan 7 2025 100 years write poetry 100 years paint paintings 100 years tattoo 100 years write novels 100 years act 100 years politician

[afghanprincess69]

Jan 6th 2025

Ah the book on synchronicity. The past doesn't matter. The future doesn't matter. Thoughts on potentials and regressives don't matter. only to be keen to the now. Thank you dearly, thank you David F. Peat. Will be re-reading. Dinner with Samira, running the gamut of conversation. Us from two polar artistic camps, but meeting in the middle. Still, so strange for her not to tag me in the photo. I suppose she's just being dumb. Trying to eradicate traces of stupid arielle from my psyche. disgusting disgusting.

[afghanprincess69]

jN 4 2025

I don't think i'll have children. I was not born into status quo resources. society prioritizes mindless bootlickers over intelligence. i'm here armed with only intelligence - and it's so far caused me endless suffering. I love my child too much to bring them into this mess. I'll live this life for me.

[afghanprincess69]

jan 3rd - what I would say to varda if I ran into him on the ferry

varda: woah hey how ya doin? me: good. great. is arielle with you? varda: no (she's at home.) Okay. well i'm glad I ran into you. Do you have a minute to talk? varda: sure me: great. well, I miss you. I guess you have kids now and everything's changed. but I miss my friendship with arielle. i'm just wondering why she discarded our friendship? I don't know if you know this, but I had to be put in foster care at the age of 5, because my mother had mental health issues and needed the hospital. Then I was in and out till finally I turned 18. I met arielle during a year while I was out of foster care. She never cared about my situation though, or showed any curiosity, so I should have taken that for what it was. I don't really have a family varda. I consider my friends my deepest family. sure we flirt or whatever at times but I really considered you part of my family. I exploded on the coast that one time - well arielle had been insensitive towards me for quite some time and all the chips fell. I opened up to her crying about how she had hurt me, and instead of returning my heartfelt advances for connection, she discarded me. and you did too. I don't mean to be a burden on anyone. I'm doing the best I can to pick myself up by my bootstraps. and I'm all I have. When I have a friend, I cherish them wildly, and maybe I can lean a bit at times. I'm unusually destitute here where everything is such high status quo I guess arielle was never curious about my situation since I was 15 and had to go be put in a foster home. She only ever remarked, "I can't believe I never heard from you after highschool," while there I was in a youth jail. I'm not used to a superficial friend like that. So I misjudged the connection. I really just want to hear an apology from her. Like a heartfelt one. I don't know if parenthood has changed her. I don't like the idea of living life in a way to check off boxes. If the box feels right then i'll check it. I just never fit neatly into any boxes. no part of me. not my ethnicity. my intellect. my talent. no one pushing me for any boxes either. i'm doing the best I can with absolutely no role model to speak of, save my social worker. she is the only reason i've come to pass. I don't know what type of person would totally discard that connection with me after knowing all i've been through, and with the advantages they had. I'm not a competitive person. I've never felt jealous. i've only felt honored and blessed that you guys were my friends and felt like a type of family. I'm sorry if somehow I was too much. I very much enjoy levity and I want things to be easy and not tedious. I would enjoy a heartfelt apology and a reconciliation. i can't force anyone to consider me, and I realize things wouldn't be the same. Arielle just seems so topical, that i think it might easily be the same if a bit of effort was made.

[afghanprincess69]

jan 3rd - calm for the storm

A realization - if one is in the ego body,then one is immersed in fear, swimming in fear, dancing in fear, catalyzed by fear, soul is suspicious If one is in the soul body, the suffering does not necessarily cease. the ego body is everywhere, the soul heart beats up against this oppression. the soul against the body aches and malfunctions. against the world's injustices. it's all a malaise of ego. It was always oppressing. and yes, just like an earthworm I slide through, eating the dirt and turning into more viable dirt. the sensation of suffering never ends. I am only oblique to it.

[afghanprincess69]

jan 1 2025

i had been marathoning desperate housewives when yesterday it finally just had me dizzy, desperately hungover, i threw up so much so so much. Am I finally allergic to bullshit? I'm hoping to keep this up focusing only on earthworm tactics in the friction of air

[afghanprincess69]

vampirism when she was nervous the blood would form sigils on her face, veins red with lucid surety bulging as acrimonious solipsism, she pulsed stalking the limpid stains of the night with deadlock fervour circumambulating the lune-drenched chaff she's trying to lift higher than the grave tonight but stealing she's sailing towards certain destitute desires as curtailing the dawn she rolls uncertain in gravitas, drenched as sonorous lapses as preternaturally invested to eternally lamented. dare to dream closer, flipped the page to her pre-dawn text

[afghanprincess69]

jan 2

today i blanketed myself in misery - yet just making it to the studio the finish a subpar painting was enough then I had the distinct feeling that the world was a comfortable, wholly new arena of textures, sounds, sensory elements. that my body is tuned to experience in every passing moment of the day. every moment taken lightly, as an askance. tomorrow I want to challenge my soft body and fingers to write so much of what I feel, the whole day as it comes to me. to push past holding nests in my head, with so many birds chirping till they extinguish of asphyxiation. these birds need to taste the air of written word - to fly away and find their own footing in the world. every moment the world threatens to overwhelm me with variable, I sense it - stepping into the 1 of the binary. the ego, fear and anxiety. Then I settle back into the 0, feel myself down from relentless chatter in my head. there is where I know it's all of me, for me, by me and through me. there is ease, and I treat the world as my polite living room. It will be lovely to be back in my hometown. The nature and silence is strong there. I feel myself as the 0 more, with that expansiveness to create works known as 1's. that is the natural function of my binary, emanating from the 0, not as from the 1, looking at the 0 with nerves and fear alight. i resolve to write write write

[afghanprincess69]

suffering is resistance. yes yes yes. I never say no to where I am, here now, gray liminal areas, the transitions - becoming and unfurling. I say yes to all. however the gut is always right, and it throws many curve balls in my way. follow the gut, and take the open windows at those closed doors. my practice, of being over and above. being under is too literal, but the base level indoctrinates really see themselves as being above. I must see myself as higher, even though I am actually lower. they too, see me as higher. listening to the sermons in my life. listening to what resonates, and discarding all; whoever does not. montreal as a city does not resonate, however some particular people therein do. vancouver people really do not resonate - however the environs itself does. as always - there is only a handful of people who pierce. recognizing that some connections i will take lightheartedly. not everyone has the capacity for my capacity. I test those people, they fail the test. and then I don't have time for them.

\\\\ i rehash the former idiot friends of mine so often. they are women hating men in women's bodies. they are misogynists. maddy a judgemental coward. adele a pickme bitch. arielle a stepford wife. and yet I wish to rid myself of this circular logic. I don't forgive them. I forgive myself. I made that mistake of being there -not seeing the situation for what it was - not listening to my gut at the first turn. I made the mistake. and I can forgive myself readily. this is the only thing that balms my wounds. my own forgiveness towards myself. my perfectionism tortures me, but in the end - i forgive myself.