#and tired and hopeless and sad and fucking!!!! mentally ill!!!!!!! fuck!!!!!!

[semiotomatics]

hahahaha i fucking hate my insurance company and i want them to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[asadgirlwithaprettymind]

I just feel so lost and hopeless. every time I think I’m moving forward I end up taking 10 steps back. I’m just done.

[birthdayplant]

Educating people on PMDD because i’m tired of it being perceived as just really bad PMS. I wrote this for my partner, but I think it’s helpful to those with the condition and those with loved ones who struggle with PMDD.

It is unclear what totally causes PMDD, but most say it’s a sensitivity to fluctuating hormones during the luteal phase. When estrogen dips and progesterone rises, it fucks with your serotonin levels. PMDD can also caused by hormonal imbalances. There is also a history of having trauma or CPTSD when one has this illness. The condition is also known to worsen over time until you reach menopause.

You know how some people drink alcohol and become happy while others become angry and depressed? That’s how you can perceive how one reacts to their progesterone levels with this disorder; like a negative manifestation of alcohol consumption. It’s almost as if you have an allergic reaction to your hormones when they drastically fluctuate.

“Hormones not only control your body and everything you do and feel, they are everything you do and feel. A Hormone makes you feel happy or sad, accomplished or motivated, affectionate, horny, competitive, hungry or full. We’re a walking sack of chemical reactions that appears to be sentient.”

There are 3 phases of the menstrual cycle: the follicular phase, ovulatory phase, and luteal phase. The luteal phase (last phase) of the menstrual cycle is usually 12–14 days long, but can also be longer lasting up to 17 days. The luteal phase of your menstrual cycle occurs right after ovulation and ends when you get your period. During the luteal phase, serotonin levels drop changing the brain’s neurocircuit that affects emotional and cognitive functioning.

Everyone gets PMS right before their period. I understand why people believe PMDD to be a “more intensive” PMS, but the major difference is PMDD is a long-term Chronic illness; it’s disabling.

PMDD affects your ability to normally function in your relationships, at work and in your home. PMDD completely alters your ability to function as you normally would outside of this cycle.

The symptoms usually occur in the week prior to menstruation, but for me personally, I experience these symptoms for at least 10-12 days; practically during my entire luteal phase. PMDD symptoms are the worst when your progesterone levels are the highest.

Here is a very long list of symptoms that can manifest in someone who struggles with PMDD

Common physical symptoms:

-Abdominal bloating

-Breast tenderness or swelling

-Headaches

-Nausea

-Feeling weak

-Abdominal cramps and pain

-Weight gain

-Clumsiness

-Body discomfort

-Being more jittery/restless

-Binge eating

-Sleep dysregulation

-Swelling of the hands or feet

-Joint or muscle pain

-Tension and soreness in body

Common emotional/mental symptoms:

-Angry outbursts/feelings of intense hatred

-Anxiety

-Confusion

-Depression

-Dysphoria

-Feeling overwhelmed/out of control

-Libidinal (sex drive) changes

-Mood swings

-Decreased concentration

-Irritability

-Appetite changes

-Restlessness

-Lack of interest in usual activities

-Feelings of hopelessness

-Social withdrawal

-Overthinking

-Paranoia

-Stress

-Crying spells

-Repetitive suicidal thoughts/suicidal ideation

-Panic attacks

-Lashing out on people/objects

-Lack of concentration

-Insomnia

-Shameful feelings

-Reactivity (feeling more sensitive than usual and taking things more personally)

-Thoughts that everyone hates you or wants you dead

-Brain fog

-Thoughts of ending things/impaired decision making (relationships, life, jobs, etc.)

Prevalence rates for lifetime suicidal ideation in people with PMDD were 45.8% and 37.4%, compared with 17.3% and 13.3% for people without PMDD. Many have attempted suicide or had a plan to get away from the debilitating illness.

How can I help a loved one who struggles with PMDD?

PMDD not only affects the person with the condition, but it also affects the people around them, especially their loved ones. One of the worst parts about PMDD is the sense of shame that’s felt when one realizes that they were short/rude to a loved one who didn’t deserve it. Many people don’t feel like themselves during their PMDD episodes as it can bring out the worst parts of yourself.

-If a loved one is going through an episode and does something you don’t like, talk compassionately to them about what hurt you and set a boundary: It’s very common for those with this condition to act unconsciously, have outbursts and disagreements during an episode. If you point your finger at them with frustration, they’ll either get angry and lash out even more or feel awful and internalize what you said due to the lack of awareness. Hold the person accountable, but remember that they aren’t intentionally meaning to frustrate you.

-Remind yourself AND your loved one that they’re having an episode: It can feel like your loved one is creating tension in the relationship as they may frequently express negative feelings. You may internalize this thinking that you’ve done something and take it personally, but most likely you haven’t and they’re just incredibly sensitive and vulnerable at this time. When one is going through an episode, their serotonin levels are quite literally at their lowest during their luteal phase. By reminding yourself that this is just an episode and having understanding that your partner is not doing this out of ill-intent makes you less hard on yourself and by reminding your partner that they’re experiencing an episode helps them be less hard on themselves and makes them more mindful as to how they may be functioning within the relationship.

-Take care of your loved one: Offer things that may ease their symptoms.

-Show your loved one some extra tender love and care: During this time your loved one’s view of themself will be at their lowest. Show them you love them and reassure them that they’re a good person and deserve to be loved.

-Help them reframe their mind and give them different perspectives: Sometimes it’s very hard for people with PMDD to see things differently. When they’re having a rough day during their episode they may not know how of pull themselves out of negative feelings/a negative mindset. They can also deal with false/negative beliefs, so it’s very helpful to offer different perspectives for them to cope better.

-Do things to make their lives easier during this time (ex. Cleaning apartment, doing dishes, doing small things you yourself can do (like grabbing the remote, putting something away, closing the door, etc.) rather than asking them to).

-Practice patience

-If you are dating someone with PMDD it’s very helpful to come up with a plan for the duration of your partner’s episode.

-If a loved one threatens to kill themselves or is acting off, please take it seriously.

If anyone who struggles with PMDD feel free to message me! You’re not overreacting or being too much; you’re living with an incredibly debilitating condition that alters your ability to self-regulate. I hope this was helpful. Let me know if you have any questions :)

[we-survive-endlessly]

Word vomit about my poor mental state below, feel free to ignore 😬👍

I have literally been so stressed lately that my skin picking is out of control and I’m having heart palpitations. Dealing with grief, my dog being sick again, work stress, life stress, stress and sadness about the state of the world, like my body just can’t take it.

There’s so much I could say about my job. I recently went to my supervisor about the fact that my coworker who I share an office with sleeps all day. Which was really scary and hard for me, but it’s damaging my uncle’s company and the stores she is supposed to be paying the bills for are super behind because of it. Like getting three to four vendors a DAY reaching out about past due bills. Anywho my supervisor said she would take care of it but now our hr person is leaving which will dump a lot more work on everyone and I doubt anything is going to change. They’re also training me on payroll with the expectation that I’ll be able to do it by myself when the person that trains me goes out of town in like a month. Meaning that NO ONE that will be there will know how to do it or help me if weird situations come up. So now I’m stressing about that.

I was just given a promotion that came with a $4 raise which is amazing. Like I’m now making $6 more than when I started and I haven’t even been there a year which should really excite me but all I can think about is the fact that I still don’t make enough to live on my own and that the average salary needed to live comfortably alone in California is $80,000 a year which I am nowhere near. I’m almost 28, and I still live at home with no expectations of being able to move out anytime soon. Every Sunday night I want to cry because I can’t believe the weekend is over and I have to go to work again tomorrow and I’m going to have to do this probably for the rest of my life because retirement seems like a pipe dream if we even have a society or liveable world when I get to that age anyways.

I see what is going on in the world both in other countries and with people I care about here and I cry every day because while I do what I can to help it never feels like enough and I have to listen to family members with just the most awful thoughts and opinions. We live in a world where the people in charge don’t give a fuck about anyone or anything so long as they get paid and I’m TIRED.

My future, the future in general, feels hopeless. Utterly and completely hopeless. And yet here I am. I’ll go to bed early tonight to try to calm the panic in my chest and escape into my dreamland, even though going to bed early just makes tomorrow feel like it comes even faster, and I’ll go to work. Just like I do every weekday. I’ll pretend like everything is fine. Like my coworker sleeping all day doesn’t infuriate me to the point of feeling physically ill. I’ll come home and take care of my dog and then instead of cleaning or exercising or doing any of my hobbies or anything else that I want to do, I’ll just scroll my phone because I’m too tired to do anything else. Maybe I’ll eat dinner, maybe I’ll just go to bed because I’m too nauseous to eat. And I’ll repeat. For the rest of my life because this shit is never ending.

Anyways, if any of you read this, I’m sorry it’s so negative and depressing. I’ve really been trying to tell myself the things that I would tell a friend who felt this way but it’s just not working. I’m just in a really awful hopeless place and I’m sorry.

[fairycosmos]

i think it can be hard for people without trauma/mental illness to understand how hopeless life feels for us sometimes. like there's definitely something to be said for trying to heal, but what that's looked like for me is a solemn acceptance of what life is. while it might sound defeatist to outsiders, it's actually a detached contentment, knowing that i have limits and there's only so much the world / society will do to support us

yeah i totally hear you.......i think people take is as self-pitying or defeatist like you said but there really is only so much you can do with limited resources/money and extreme mental instability and no amount of Manifesting a better life and loving yourself can take you away from the realities of that situation, the boundaries it presents...........very sadly........i'm not saying that it's impossible for things to get better, probably they will. drastically for most people. it's just tiring to hear empty platitudes about healing when ur condition feels very.........chronic lmfao........and there is little to no consistent accessible support for it.......i think this is also why people have a hard time understanding grief from an outsiders perspective.........my friend asked me if i really think i'll be sad about it forever..........and it's like, without a doubt in my mind. and not just sad but ummm destroyed? and that's just the way it is. sometimes i think hoping for more feels worse than just accepting that i'm deeply depressed, which sucks because my brain goes through phases of wild escapism that feels like hope, but it never goes anywhere. anyway yeah thank god you said this it was really cathartic to read. be fucking for real: the life philosophy

[scarlettsinclair2598]

I'm tired...I'm so fucking tired...I'm tired of working at a toxic company that only cares about revenue.

I'm tired of making the bare minimum for my position when I do so much. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck and still not paying everything...I'm so fucking tired....

I'm tired of being depressed but not having the means to help myself. I'm tired of the constant anxiety that's plagued my life for as long as I can remember. I'm tired of being alone but not wanting anyone near me...I'm tired...

I'm tired of not living and just existing...I'm tired of wanting to change my life but not being able to do anything about it.. Money has always been a problem but why...why do I struggle so fucking hard in a world I don't want to be in...why do I keep working and living and doing things in a world I don't want to be apart of...why...

I'm laying here at 3am with all these thoughts in my head..I have to go to work in 3 hours but I can't sleep...it's so hard to sleep now....I can't sleep some days and I can't wake up others..im hoping for the day I finally don't wake up...my mind is a constant battle of do I want to live today...I'm so fucking tired....

I can put on a mask and be so happy people say I'm never not smiling...while I die inside every second of every fucking day....

I read and watch and daydream to escape reality but it only works for so long before it all comes rushing back...I try to keep these thoughts to myself try not to let anyone see how bad it's gotten...I don't know how much longer I can do this...I'm running out of reasons I have to stay alive...I'm so fucking tired...

it's 3am I have work in 3 hours....I don't know if I'll sleep tonight...I'll be exhausted all day but I'll smile and say I'm fine when all I want to do is give up....

my eyes water as I write this because I know the people I want to say this to will never read it...I don't have the strength to tell them I'm struggling..not anymore not when I've been screaming it my entire life with no one willing to listen...

these thoughts are in my head and they will always be here they'll never leave...the people I love don't want to hear these things they want to believe that nothing is wrong that "I'm fine" as I've always said...they look at me and see nothing wrong but they've never felt as I have they've never had the Void slowly crushing them even as they grin and bear it..they've never had the sadness the hopelessness the anger the absolute emptiness that's consumed me...no one realizes that's anything is wrong until it's too late...

I feel slightly better now that all my thoughts are here but I know it won't last long..I'm so fucking tired.....there's too much to do too much to pay too much to say too much and not enough of me....there's just too much...my mind is chaotic it never stops...too many mental illnesses and not enough time to sort it all out...too many thoughts too much too much.. I don't know what to do now...I'll try to sleep but there's no garuntee...

[betweencoffeecupsandmoondust]

Spilled Ink

So, Im gonna use this from today on to actually journal about my demons and all things that cross my mind as I cant trust to journal in an actual diary etc cuz I dont want anyone finding out and giving me shit for it.

I have BPD, it's actually such a cruel mental illness. But you know what's worse? That I do have a great, amazing support system at home, wondderful parents and my big brother who is such an amazing human being always there for me whenever i need him.

My parents are elders and you know what that means,.. lots of fights, they've became extremely stubborn and I currently work from home. Just the environment alone drives me nuts 5 out of 7 days of the week. I've been trying to learn about letting go, emotion regulation etc, online, for years now, as I dont have social security or the funds to see an actual therapist, etc.

I don't really know how to handle things, we just had a massive argument, Im left with sadness, disappointment, like every damn time I try my best to fulfill something throughout the day, something bad happens. I know life is not always great and happy, etc. But man, I don't know what the fuck to do. I have the URGE to disappear for a while and fucking let them be without me and see what they'll do if Im not around anymore, but then I guilt trip and its like a loop am always in...I feel so hopeless.

Specially cuz the strongest person in my home, my brother is starting to also show symptoms of anxiety and probly depression, no one talks about us caregivers and how fucking hard our lifes are. I'm tired. Im so so so tired.

I hope tomorrow's a better day, perhaps.

Wish me luck.

To all of you guys out there, facing shit life throws out you, Let's stay strong. I guess we got this?

[enbyfallenfromthedeadstars]

[ CW mental illnesses and how it badly affects your life (mostly tiredness and sadness) + toxic positivity context : i'm talking about those persons who minimize your experiences and struggles because there's worse and you don't seem disabled / sick ]

⟡ ⟡ ⟡

"How can you be tired ? You slept 12 hours and did nothing today ! Such a slacker !" "Why are you sad ? What do you mean you don't know ? That's impossible, you can't be sad without any reason. You just need to get your shit together and stop complaining about something that doesn't exist. You're creating your own problems."

I am ok ? I am fucking tired, I am sad. Always. Even if you think I don't have the right to be. Because I'm young. Because I have an objectively good life, with a roof over my head, food at all meals and a lovely family. But here I am.

I am tired and sad and desesperate and hopeless and sick of all your bullshit. I am all of that because I'm ill. Disabled people exist. Invisible disabilities exist. I am all of that because I'm autistic. Because I'm bipolar. Because I'm clinically depressed. Because I have generalized anxiety. Because meds don't heal, they just make it more sufferable. Because I'll never be healed. Because I can't be.

I'm tired because I'm easily overstimulated. Because I live in a world where lights are always too bright, noises too loud, people too many. Because all my energy is used trying to understand what they're waiting from me, if there's a subtext or not, how I have to behave in this precise situation. Because I'm struggling to recover from a few years long burnout. Because my brain doesn't work the way it should, and I lack hormones to be productive. I'm sad because that's my default emotion. Because I see all the things I could never do, experience, be. Because I see others and their accomplishments, and I'm here trying to survive, struggling to live without guardians. Because I see the ugliness of the world, what's going on, and I feel it in my bones. Because I'll never be able to change it. Because I have a disease that doesn't allow me to feel truly happy. Because I'm not Type 1 Bipolar, but Type 2, and therefore I don't experience maniac phases, but one hour to one day short euphoric moment, and then return to depression. Because I know what I put my family through, and that it's still actual.

I am sad and tired, and I have the right to be. You can't decide who's allowed to feel low. There's always be worse than me, but also I AM the 'worse' for someone. Shut the fuck up, go to hell, and let me alone with my valid emotions and state of being. No matter what you say, you're not here to help me. You don't even try. You're just here because my presence disturbing you. Because you can't stand unpositive thoughts, moments. Because you think burying problems makes them disappear. But no matter how much you're gonna ignore that part of me, it will always be here.

[stellacadente]

oversharing time don't read this if self harm / suicide talk especially but also just mental illness stuff? triggers you ily <3

i haven't told that many people i think (but everything's a blur in general let alone lately with how much i'm struggling mentally so? who knows?) but i tried going to therapy again a few weeks back. maybe a month ago. and i so badly wish it worked out. it was all well perfect it was close by (no driving license, not enough will to live to take possibly several buses/metros + it's gonna be summer and i hate hate hate summer weather etc etc) she was a good listener i liked her way of approaching therapy she told me we'd make a kind of survival pact (if i was actively suicidal, i'd have to call her) i had good impressions at first. too bad there were giant red flags when it comes to her reaction to me being trans. don't wanna go into detail rn but while i don't think she was ill intentioned and i believe she'd be willing to listen i'm just not gonna go into therapy long term, expensive stuff at that, to teach my therapist how to treat trans people right. i was comfortable except whenever trans stuff came up and then i was severely uncomfortable and the more i thought about it afterwards the more i grew uncomfortable. i didn't even wanna talk about being trans, i had to mention it bc legal name and all but she insisted on the subject with invasive stuff when i didn't say anything beyond responding to her what are your pronouns question with "he, i'm trans, call me nico like i wrote on the appointment request".

but yeah i really wish it'd worked out bc i really need therapy. and it was fucking hard to try again after my last not great experience. i literally had to hit rock bottom and almost attempt to get the courage to give it another try. i was desperate. and i'd say i'm not desperate anymore even without therapy i'd say i don't feel completely hopeless 24/7 which is obviously good! but the thing is that it is all so incredibly hard still and i know it'll go back to being harder and harder to deal with and i'm just very scared. i don't know how to keep myself from slipping into the depth of the abyss again, how to keep myself as... healthy? i guess? as possible and keep it like that. i can't do another huge breakdown in 3 months or 2 or 1 or 2 weeks and then crawl out of pitch black darkness and build up my will to live again and repeat.

i'm not actively suicidal anymore. for now. like really, for now, but i don't feel like it's gonna last long. i feel myself looking down from the edge into a bottomless pit. and unfortunately i've started self harming more and more often again. too often. like obviously any often is not good but it's becoming a habit and that's fucking dangerous, so so dangerous. i don't wanna get stuck in that again. but i don't know how not to. i find comfort in it. i know rationally it's a lie my mind tells me, i know it's a short short relief that does not help in the long run. god i wish knowing all this shit rationally helped even a tiny bit to make things easier. it doesn't. i can't stop. it's great in the moment, by which i mean i do it, i feel less overwhelmed. but then starts the frustration. instead of anxiety and sadness i feel frustration and tiredness.

i just. i'm always so tired. i wish everything could stop for a while. i wish i could just... breathe. i feel like my entire body is always on alert. my anxiety fuels my back pain. my need to stop being so lonely makes me try desperately to cling to people and i can never be healthy in my attempts at social interactions and then i feel more frustrated and more anxious and more overwhelmed and i hurt myself and think awful things about myself and really, truly believe them. it's all. too much. i more than anything want a break from myself, my mind and body. i would give anything for it. i just can't give my life. that's the only way i know how to stop thinking for a while, to die or try to. but i must not. but god. tired and overwhelmed and need to shut my thoughts off.

i'm not sure what i'm saying anymore. my brain is so tired and done with today. sleeping now. i think i will start volunteering at a cat shelter and help out an association that helps various people and causes but the cat shelter thing might turn out to be the worst idea and i'm super stressed about it and i don't know what the fuck i'm doing or how to deal with my feelings and how to be a normal fucking person for once. idk. i'm fucking just trying to find ways to do things to go out to try and not get stuck again. i don't know anything anymore, just hope i survive. mostly

[diariesofapisces]

Tove Lo. Okay, Period.

Oh my fucking god I am really going through it. I guess you could say it all started after I confronted Spencer. The delusional that was somehow holding everything together disappeared and I was left with nothing. All the emotions I had been repressing began spilling out of me. The feelings of loneliness and low self-worth have started to consume me. I have been getting so annoyed with Anna and Shi that I have started to isolate myself. I am trying to keep up with all my social connections and in some way, I have stopped trying as hard. I beat myself up constantly to the point where I have mental breakdowns every day. I have been having lots of suicidal episodes that have resulted in self-harm as a way to cope. Something I could have never imagined myself doing. I am tired all the time but when I try to sleep I can't. I am stressed beyond belief and embarrassed about my whole life situation. I actually want to kill myself and I don't know if anyone or anything can actually help me. I already have a plan and am very seriously considering doing it soon. Like the second I get home from college. I feel so alone and hopeless. I feel like there is something wrong with me and everything I surround myself with. I feel like Everyone in my life doesn't support me and no one values me. I feel so scared and unsafe and I don't know how to escape. I just think killing myself is the best option. I want to wait until the end of the year to see how my grades are but when have things even been good for me. Things could be going well but certain parts of my life will haunt me forever. They loom over anything good in my life and I don't know how to escape it. Aknowologing it doesn't make me feel that much better because it won't erase my damage. I have a fuck ton of damage and it keeps on coming. I guess I have a good enough life but I can't take anyone of this extreme suffering. My mental illness still consumes every inch of my life and no matter what I do I can't find a way to escape or get through it. This won't be the end of my suffering even if I work through my bipolar crisis. I'll be an actual adult with the remains of all these problems along with a heap of new ones. The way I see it death isn't a bad thing, it's an escape. Life sucks balls and some people aren't built for it and that's okay. I am not built for living and I think I am okay with that. Maybe when I die people will say that they wish they did all these things but they aren't doing it now and that's what matters. I don't care if apparently they care about me becuase like I've said before everything misses what they once had. Maybe it will be a wake-up call and make them take care of people better. Maybe it will be a wake-up call to my dad and my family to take mental illness seriously. I have been screaming and crying to be seen and heard and my pain won't be acknowledged unless I kill myself. No one will take me seriously unless do it. Maybe for once, I will be seen and thought of. When I die I don't want people to be sad becuase I think it would be pathetic for them. I am just a person so mourning will just be a natural reaction for them, so honestly I don't feel bad about the idea of killing myself. I want my parents to stop wasting money on me and not to spend that much money on my celebration of life, becuase I don't want a funeral. I want to create and I don't want my parents to spend hundreds for the burial process, becuase that's fucking stupid. Why spend money on someone who chooses to die. No one owes me anything I wanted this. Anyway, I am tired of most people in my life and I simply choose not to deal with them right now. Peace out.

[borderline-gays-club]

03/04/24. 10:43am

I’m feeling emotional today, crying on the train to get to work. I’ve been battling this depression the past week or so and trying to find hope. I had a conversation abt our dreams with my best friend this morning and I feel a lot rn.,

It’s so hard knowing what I want/need in my life yet the grind of just trying to stay alive is preventing me from being able to work on anything in the way that I want. And then just feeling perpetually behind bc of my neurodivergence and my fun assortment of mental illnesses it’s hard not to sink into deep depression. this depression creeps up from time to time anyway, and I just need to continue to battle it all. It’s so hard, and I know I’m not the only one. Literally everyone is struggling this same struggle. To not have your creativity and love for life beat the fuck out of you is a daily fight. It’s really so hard, but then the alternative is to just be a worker dead inside with no hope, no dreams, no space to imagine a better future.

It’s always so sad hearing abt ppl giving up their dreams for the sake of survival and bc everyone’s just tired. So many ppl are just empty and complacent in their emptiness. Bc imagining a better future is also fighting all these oppressive systems. If you’re too loud abt it u can literally get killed. But if you’re not loud abt it you die internally and succumb to the weight of oppression.

Every time I feel hopeless I just think of every person that has had their dreams, their beautiful life just violently stolen from them. How cruel that is to be born into life with a natural love for life, for that to be stripped of you.

I think about the thought of being hopeless In life being a privilege. Which is also what makes me continue to fight on within myself so I can fight for a better future not just for myself but for humans and all life. I refuse to let this hellish system kill my soul. Even if they kill my body, I have to die with fight in me. I don’t want to be a coward. I have so much fight in me, I made it this far.

I think about every single martyr that we see on our phones daily in Palestine. And all the martyrs throughout this imperial colonial regime that have become nameless. Babies that couldn’t even make it to their first birthday. How evil is that. They barely breathed life and got it all ripped away. All this suffering for the benefit of a few ppl.

And I can’t help but feel guilty that I have the privilege of still being able to chase my dreams. But I can’t let that guilt keep me frozen. I have to keep moving. What does it mean to honor all of these people who’s live were violently stolen? What does it mean for me to live my life with courage and not succumb to cowardice and complacency? These are the things I am grappling with. And that I need to find answers to. We all deserve a life that is filled with violent torture and bloodshed. We all have a right to Live a life with love and care and compassion and joy. I’m so so tired but I can’t let hopelessness and despair overcome my fight and love for life. I need to keep fighting. The sadness is only a part of the fight. There will be victories even in these desperate times. Humans are resilient.

[marisavavra]

I feel so numb but also so many different emotions. It feels like a combination of anger, sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness. The only thing I want to do is drag a blade across my skin, see my own blood dripping. I would much rather feel a physical pain than this mental pain. It gets to be too much to handle alone. I know I should reach out to someone but I hate burdening others with how I feel.

I’ve been dealing with these thoughts for almost a decade and still haven’t found anything that works like self harm. In this ride called life a bump in the road rushes my head with thoughts of causing myself pain.

The worst is when people leave, abandonment is something that fucks with my head so much. I’ve spent my whole life being abandoned, and I’m tired of it. I want someone to stick around for once.

I understand my actions can cause people to walk away from me (or run). My mental state is one of my biggest red flags but I’m starting to get a grip on it. Medication has saved me from my frequent mood swings and angry outbursts. I still have days where my emotions take over and I’m a complete mess. Those are becoming less frequent but they hit so hard, it makes me want to sleep for the next 3 years. My mental illness’s are wearing me down, little by little, and I don’t know how to control it. I feel as though I’m withering away, soon to be taken by the wind. Just like the leaves during the fall season.

[selkieblood]

so i know this is bad practice but i was watching a pretty womans vlog about what to expect in university and. ok why do i get gravely suicidal whenever i think about the future. like i just go "fuck it im not game for this" especially comparing next to a normie who hit all the developmental milestones when they were supposed to and an actual identity. mental illness is so debilitating. i just hate hearing about it i just get overwhelmed with jealousy and sadness and hopelessness. im not even a good artist for it either and what art i can make i can do hardly because how constantly exhausted with just being alive i am. i hate myself i hate being alive. i feel the best when im delusional and have at least a few layers between me and reality. like when im super obsessed with fictional characters and fantasy and stuff, thats when i feel the best. and when i try and think about my actual life and what i want to do with myself it ruins my day genuinely. i think life just doesnt happen for some people and im one of those people . i just wish i wasnt so tired so i could make things. just that at least. im lucky im a failson because if i was financially alone, if i had to work for this deeply unsatisfying life, i would absolutely kill myself

[television-pil0t]

When he finally leaves so I can have a severe breakdown that’s been building up.

God I feel awful. I hope he’s ok. I can’t keep helping him we have the same problem man. My parents suck to. My bf doesn’t understand either! IM SCARED TO OPEN UP TO MY BF TO! ITS BECOMING TO MUCH FOR ME TO! I’m sorry. I can’t help you when I have no idea how to help myself. I get mad because my bf talks to other people to. I get so jealous I push myself to. I hurt myself because he doesn’t need me to. I don’t know how to get you to stay. I want you to stay. I want you to keep talking to me because your pain makes me feel less alone. We both wanna kill ourself so bad man. I don’t have a plan like you. I don’t know what’s next. I CANT MAKE BY MYSELD EITHER FUCK IM SORRY EVERY TIME YOU VENT TO ME I JUST TELL YOU “talk to your friends! TALK TO YOUR BF! BUT SHIT I CANT DO THAT! You tell me “I’m gonna fucking do it I can’t take it anymore” but I’d I said that to my bf HE WOULDNT GIVE A SHIT! HES FUCKING DONE! HE FUCK FUCK FUCK IM SORRY I CANT HELP YOU IM IN WORSE! I’m in fucking deeper. You got to your month anniversary with your bf AND IVE BEEN IN MY RELATIONSHIP FOR 3 YEARS! Three fucking years! It’s hard for me to man! Idk how to keep going either! Idk how I’m gonna be a adult! Idk how to tell my friends that I’m suicidal either man I DONT FUCKING KNOW! I have no idea what I’m gonna do in a year! OR A MONTH! OR A DAY FROM NOW! All I do is the same thing you do. I feel like I’m not good at anything to! I feel useless too! I FEEL SO FUCKING UNLOVED TO MAN AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE EITHER! I’m sorry I can’t help you as much as other people can but god at least you HAVE other people. I hope you take my advice. I hope YOUR bf helps you. I hope your ok. I hope you didn’t SH to bad again. I hope you don’t do it Saturday. I know my bf would be so fucking sad and I can’t deal with that. I can’t deal with the secrets and the lies and the insecurity either man! I CANT DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE THAN YOU CAN! I’m scared to. I’m so so so fucking scared and now I have nobody to talk about it to. I hope someone can help you. I looked out the window of my apartment and all I can think of is getting a gun and just getting it over with. He makes account after account to just hide from me because he dosnt fucking trust me. He keeps so fucking much from me it’s agonizing. I’m tired of crying to man! IM TIRED OF ALL OF IT TO! I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! GOD I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I hate screaming while crying it gives me a headache. I hate limping when I walk after punching myself. I hate the way he didn’t tell me he loved me back for 2 days I hate the way he treated me for a year I hate the way I grew up. I hate myself. I hate being a failure. I hate being as jealous as I am. I HATE THAT HE DOSNT POST ABOUT ME! I hate the fact that he’s talked shit about me to all his family and don’t even wanna tell THAT mf that we’re dating because “I just don’t wanna hear his lecture” WELL WHOS FAULT WAS IT THAT HE SEES ME IN SUCH A FUCKED UP LIGHT! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TELL HIM! I hate how I feel! I hate that I remember it all! The good and the bad. I hate when I draw! I hate my voice. I hate my body. I hate being touched. I hate THAT I ASK FOR TO MUCH TO! WE BOTH ASK FOR TO MUCH FROM OUR PARTNERS! I DONT KNOW! I don’t know. It’s been 3 years and idk what to do! I know I ask for to much and I haven’t even asked anything of him yet besides comfort and HES DONE GIVING ME THAT! I feel so hopeless. So fucking alone. So tired all the time. Maybe I should make a plan. With all the mental flashes of shooting myself in the jaw maybe I’ll do that. I have no idea what to do. AHHH I DONT WANNA DIE THO! I DONT WANNA DIE I JUST WANT SOMETHING I CANT HAVE! ILL NEVER HAVE! WHEN HE LEAVES ME AGAIN IM JUST GONNA BE ALONE! Just like I said when we first started dating “I swore I was gonna die alone” shit! I AM! I get tired of everyone so quickly. I’m so needy. I’m either obsessed to the point of neglecting myself or I’m selfish to the point of them leaving. I’m a piece of shit that deserves this fucking life. This god damn hell I put myself in. I miss my mom.

[thisiswalmart]

I don't want all this pain anymore. I just feel so heavy and it never stops. I want to feel light.

[girlmadeofglass]

I’m a little too tired to still give a fuck.