#and this whole war game truly has been a treat all the way through

[holygrailcycle]

LONG TIME NO SEE. Dunno if anyone's watching, but recent developments have sparked my brain in a way that I wanted to write down and share, so here I am!!! Buckle up because this goes on a bit.

With the reveal of Our Rage Issues and the conversations that were going on in the comments in this post, I wanted to talk a bit about what we know - what we remember - of our situation. What we have, right now, are these:

The recollection we gained while dealing with Setanta (see above).

The recollection we gained while talking with Draco.

Chapter 2.5, after we drank the Tezcal Pulque with Quetz and Rider.

And of course, our lived experiences during the first Tumblr Holy Grail War.

So, here's the summary:

Once upon a time, we were all individual people. Wizards. Masters. We fought alongside our own Servants in the Lunar Holy Grail War. Then we lost and died. The End.

Except not. Something scooped us, a mass of dead and defeated souls, up, shoved us together, and sent us into the Solar Cell. We summoned Servants, and at some point fell into Rage and dragged them along with us. Lancer managed to get free and nearly killed us, but somehow we wound up sealed instead. The End.

Except not. Somehow we got out, with zero recollection of what had happened before our 'test run' (that was actually trillions of runs). And now we're here, stuck trying to make sense of everything and anything with not an insubstantial amount of people wanting to kill or otherwise neutralize our collective asses.

So to that point, my own theory talk under the cut:

My initial theory was that maybe something during our investigation corrupted us. After all, we were lucid - if confused - in our conversations during 2.5, and Lancer and Archer didn't seem to find that odd, not to mention their own lucidity. But even discounting Lancer's commentary about 'our nature', the fact that we had an Avenger with us in the first place, and an Avenger that looks like the Black Grail on top of it, pokes holes in that theory.

So instead: maybe we were created solely to destroy the Solar Cell. To serve as a Trojan horse to slip in and go off at the most optimal time. It's hard to look at the materials - the fallen souls of the Moon Cell - and think there were good, pure intentions at work. But even if what Lancer was told about us was true, it doesn't mean the speaker's intentions were good or pure.

There's still a nightmare lurking in the core, after all - a nightmare that tore Fragment Avenger apart and shoved them inside for their own ends. And it'd be easy to take advantage of the chaos we were creating for their own ends. To hide themself, and their own plans, by pointing the finger elsewhere.

After all, why waste a perfectly good scapegoat?

[varlaisvea]

’this one’

ok i am kind of a dork about ta’agra. i am a ~linguist by education, and in eso, ta’agra has definitely gotten the most love out of all of tamriel's languages, enough such that it has understandable grammar and root words. (enough such that you can kiiind of figure out a general idea of what zerith-var is saying a lot of the time!)( if you've read the amount about ta'agra that i have!) (a normal fanfic writer amount, which is obiously a lot but, as with all elder scrolls lore topics, is insignificant compared to the real ta'agra fans out there). (but for real imagine being a language dork and having a video game give u a lil language dork treat for being a dork about its made up language. elder scrolls babey.). i’ve always been interested in how khajiit refer to themselves, because they have multiple ways of doing so, and—this being the elder scrolls—the choices people make in this regard are culturally meaningful. someone may say “I/me” or “this one” or their name/nickname, and the choice says a lot about the character, their background, and their mindset.

"this one", as a phrase, actually has deep and nuanced historical, cultural, and linguistic lore. because this is the elder scrolls.

as far as personal pronouns, zerith-var and the characters in his flashback stories only use I/me to refer to themselves. one could simply assume that language usage changes over time (khajiit in the 4th era in skyrim, don't really use it, for example). but, this being the elder scrolls, of course this (ultimately extremely minor) lore discrepancy is explained: zerith says “this one” is a more accurate translation for the way the personal pronoun (I/me) is used in the modern day, but it’s completely absent in his time. he doesn’t like “this one” at all: he observes that while ta’agra and cyrodiilic have mixed significantly over time, in his era, they were ‘mere acquaintances.’

so, it's an effect of khajiit mixing more with the rest of tamriel after a few decent centuries without a major war or catastrophic plague, but it's also more than that. languages are frameworks that both inform and convey the speaker's cultural perspective, and using "this one" reflects a desire to express something that "I/me" does not. in terms of how the word is used grammatically, the translation of “ahziss”, the ta'agra personal pronoun, is most accurately “I/me/my." but the literal meaning of "ahziss" is more accurately "this one" or "one person [of a group]" (although canon vs fanon is murky here). so, implicit in the ta'agra personal pronoun is the fact that the speaker is part of a whole—ie, they are saying me, this particular member of the group (the khajiiti people), or this particular khajiit (me). i imagine this is why some khajiit use "khajiit" as a personal pronoun; that also seems like a pretty reasonable approximation of what it sounds like "ahziss" means. this being the elder scrolls, khajiiti mythology also reflects this concept of the individual always being a part of the whole through the lunar lattice—you can see why it might be important to someone to convey something like that in their speech, when referring to themselves.

if this were not the elder scrolls, the lore related to this phrase might end at grammar and history (or well before that), but we are playing a game franchise whose name itself references the truly absurd amount of lore it has. so obviously we must consider the modern usage of the term, in order to really round out the lore about 'this one.'

nobles, like Khamira and Gharesh-ri, tend to speak with a distinct upper-class accent, and exclusively refer to themselves as I/me. The same is true of many scholars, mages, and wealthy people. this seems to suggest that well-educated, wealthy, and cultured khajiit are speaking a more "proper" tamrielic. southern elsweyr is more cosmopolitan (at least the parts that remain, which are largely cities), and people from the south tend to consider themselves more worldly and refined than their northern counterparts. accordingly, this 'upper class' and 'more tamrielic' manner of speech seems associated with a southern accent. this is consistent enough in the game that you can hear the torval curiata in zerith-var’s quests speaking with a southern accent, but using ‘this one’, and it’s kind of jarring.

currently elsweyr has been devastated by the knahaten flu, but historically the south was a wealthy, multicultural coastal trading economy (plus skooma and elegantly organized crime). the north has always been largely badlands inhabited only by baandari nomads, with a more modest agrarian trading economy in the two (formerly three) cities in the north, which are constantly invaded by cyrodiil over the centuries, and cut off from the rest of elsweyr by a massive canyon (and now also a condemned city). so (sorry to any non-americans but i can only make analogies referencing places i know), the north is like if vermont was an ancient desert with dragons in it, while the south is like if bethesda maryland was a post-apocalyptic jungle w/ dragons in it.

soo lower-class, rural, and less-educated khajiit, as well as khajiit from the northernmost part of elsweyr, seem more likely to use 'this one', and there's a lot of overlap in those groups. it's just part of the way people talk-- many people seem to use 'this one'/'I'/their name to convey shades of meaning. using "this one" or your name both require consequently referring to yourself in the third person, which has a much different vibe than referring to yourself in the first person. using your full name, or your name plus your title, or your nickname, or "this one" all have different vibes, and say different things about how you would like to define yourself in that moment. different people mean different things with their choices, but your choice can convey levels of intimacy, public vs private speech, formal or informal, etc.; it's all about feeling and personal preference.

razum-dar is probably the khajiit you talk to the most, and he is interesting to pay attention to--he is as calculating in his use of language as he is with everything else. to the player and to queen ayrenn, he mostly calls himself "raz" (suggesting that's what he uses with people he considers friends), and he usually only uses "I/me" when he is expressing a genuine emotion--ie, almost never. he uses "this one" to humble and formalize his speech when speaking to nobility or in an official capacity, but he also defaults to it when he's in the field. he is impressively cultured, well-read, and politically savvy, but he keeps those "this one"s generous when talking to others, especially high elves. being from merryvale, he has a fairly obvious northern accent, so he is happy to play the part of the lazy redneck sleaze he knows people will presume him to be--he counts on people underestimating his intelligence, and uses it to his advantage.

when the elder scrolls is great, it's because they don't shy away from depicting eg racism, they make their racism function accurately within the culture they have created, and the in-universe racism is fully baked right into "this one".

the cyrodiilic perspective is the in-universe cultural norm in tamriel, and the cyrodillic idea of what a khajiit is like would be informed by the khajiit they would most often interact (and racism). that would be farmers from rimmen and riverhold at a grain market, or baandari traders, who talk and act even more Like That and are even more ~exotic. so, it makes sense that an exaggerated northern accent with copious "this one"s is often used as a sign that someone is being lazy, dishonest, false, or patronizing. think of Pacrooti and Fezez; both have the obsequious khajiiti huckster manner of speaking, underscored by every over-the-top khajiiti idiom in the wiki. They never say "I" or "me", which means they are always referring to themselves in the third person, which in English implies deception. it tacitly admits you are using a persona with some separation from yourself and a good amount of falseness, especially if you let slip that you understand the concept of "I" well enough to insincerely call a stranger to whom you are trying to sell something "my friend." (Fezez even uses "khajiit" as a personal pronoun, which is part of the persona in his case, but also people still do talk that way a sometimes--it seems to be old-fashioned; mostly used by elderly folks, baandari, and people in truly remote backwaters.)

i feel like you can see what zerith var disliked about 'this one'. like, even setting aside the fact that as a person, he cannot comprehend a definition of 'I' that does not already contain within it the concept of the lunar lattice (which is azurah's love, which connects all khajiit to one another, even the ones whose souls were thought beyond saving.) like you can see where that alone would be incomprehensible to his understanding of his own existence. but even aside from that.

he is observing how people treat each other in this time, both good and bad. so he must see the ways khajiit experience racism, and how that racism differs from place to place. his life was such that he never even had to consider the unthinkable question of how to convey what 'I' means to you, let alone how to convey that in a language you now must speak for your own survival. like how do you explain 'when I am talking about myself, I mean me, this person who is honored to be part of an eternal whole, and so completely humbled to be a link in that lattice that they must speak of themself in the third person.' and like, my mans understands how they got there, but he also sees it getting mocked and associated with all the negative stereotypes of modern-day khajiit. which he also cannot help but see reflected in the actions of khajiit, both because he is now experiencing a multicultural society for the first time ever and thus seeing khajiit through an observer's eyes for the first time, and because you totally actually do meet plenty of khajiit who lean into that persona, in fact most khajiit in any type of merchant or service role, anyone who is trying to sell you something, throw some of it into their personality.

and now despite the fact that he is a two thousand year old monk with the power to resurrect the damned in order to offer them true peace, and he has been here for like twenty minutes, he's already felt the weight of 2000 years of history and 2000 years of racism by having to contend with the existence of that phrase. i get why he's like 'nah not for me'

anyway surely this is a normal amount of things to know and ways to feel about a simple phrase in a fictional language!

[antiromanticbaby]

Paintings - Lord Diavolo

Lord Diavolo x GN!artist!reader

[✧] ー Set in Nightbringer. MC has been trying their best to find a way of communication with the future, hoping that they are actually in the right timeline (which I doubt. Anyways-). It seems like they have finally found a way.

[✧] ー Ok v v random but some parts of the NB game have given me some good 'Dark' flashbacks Like, the SWD cast are asking just where are we and then they change the question to When which was straight out a scene from Dark haha.

When Diavolo first heard of your disappearance, he was torn. The one he loved and adored, the one he was about to court and propose to was now... gone. Just like that, without a trace between the whole three worlds, and even Solomon and Barbatos were no help.

First his mother, then his father, and now you.

No matter what way he put it, you were gone. His little darling was gone. He was the demon prince, he would be the king one day, and yet he felt like he had lost a big part of himself just with your disappearance.

Just where have you gone, MC?

Soft classic music had filled his dimly lit office, and Barbatos had brought his favorite treat. He was going to be king, he couldn't lose his composure just like that. And yet, hearing the classical music, his mind and heart was filled with thoughts of you, of your smile and laughs, of the way you twirled in his arms, or stepped on his feet when he tried to teach you a simple waltz. A smile graced his lip, but it went away soon when he heard the knock on the door.

'Not today...' He thought to himself. Perhaps this was Lucifer, telling him to compose himself and be a good role model for Devildom. But Diavolo knew it, he knew how Lucifer himself was breaking. He had seen how the fallen star flew around the Devildom, sneaked around and tried to find one small trace of you.

Or maybe it was one of his brothers, here to demand answers, to where you were. In this case, as Barbatos has put it, 'when' you were.

And maybe it was Barbatos, bringing good news. Only if 'good news' hadn't turned into 'miracles' that never occurred.

"Come in." He spoke firmly, trying to sound confident. But if it was someone close to him, they would know that he wasn't, that his strong aura was nothing but a mere facade. Still, his kingdom came first. He must look strong, no matter what, even if Lucifer and Barbatos see through the act.

"Young master, I have brought some news." It was Barbatos, always neat and polite. Diavolo, in a way, envied how unphased Barbatos seemed, but he knew that Barbatos was too perfect. And that was exactly why he was imperfect. Diavolo motioned for his steward to continue. Barbatos continued, an amused smile on his face. "A Little D has found some... interesting paintings in the basement. According to what they said, these paintings have been transferred to the castle from Cocytus Hall."

"Interesting? And would you please elaborate on what you are... hinting at?"

"I believe you must see them for yourself." Barbatos spoke politely, motioning Diavolo to follow.

And Diavolo did. Perhaps this would be a good distraction from the haunting thoughts of his darling and just where they were, when they were, and if they were alive or not.

Upon seeing the paintings decorating all over the basement of his castle, Diavolo's heart skipped a beat. He was... so happy, filled with a sense of euphoria that he didn't know existed, not before finding out. Lord Diavolo could recognize your painting style from miles away, and all of these were yours.

But what were you doing in Cocytus Hall? And why haven't any of them heard of you?

He quickly turned the self portrait around, noticing the scribbles on the inside.

'First painting since coming here. It is now one year after the Celestial War. I truly hope this reaches you'

'MC'

There was no point in asking whether these were truly yours or not, because he recognized the handwriting. His grip on the canvas tightened and a smile formed on Diavolo's lips. "Barbatos, please move all of these to my room."

He felt in a rush, to decorate his room with whatever he could find from you. Now, he knew you were alive. He knew you were safe, and as much as the thought of you, his lover, living in the Cocytus Hall back in the past and with Solomon bothered him, he was just glad that you were safe. That his MC was safe and alive. "Oh, and please call the brothers over for dinner. We must share the news."

"Should we tell them about the paintings?" Barbatos asked, even though he already knew the answer.

"...No, not yet. Just tell them we found notes of MC."

It wouldn't hurt to be selfish, only for a little while.

[bayofwolves]

Rereading Rise and Fall

We're back unusually early to recap the penultimate, and my personal favourite, Spirit Animals book. If you don't know by now, these posts are essentially my notes from rereading the Spirit Animals books -- interesting details, stuff I missed and how I would change certain things. This is all part of my divine plan to revise and expand upon the series. Let's get into it!

This cover is one of my all-time favourites, apart from the short-haired Conor jumpscare (he has long hair in my universe). It's interesting how he is never shown with the axe he wields, only the shepherd's staff. I suppose they're striving for the most accurate portrayal of their characters on the covers, and Conor will always be a shepherd before he is a warrior.

Abeke's opinion of Shane seems to have deteriorated somewhat. In her first chapter, she doesn't think of him as a friend, only as an ally, and her attitude towards him is quite cold. This is most likely due to the fact that he is her jailer at this point. However, it got me thinking... it would have been kind of neat if Abeke's friendship with Shane slowly deteriorated over the course of these first six books. Perhaps because of what she sees him tolerate from his fellow soldiers, perhaps what she sees him do with his own hands. Perhaps both. She sees him do good, yes, but she sees the bad, too, and it makes her start to doubt him. When he saves her from the Conquerors and expresses his wish to switch sides, her faith in him soars -- of course he would do the right thing, she always believed he could -- only to come crashing down when he betrays her days later. I just think it would be more realistic if Abeke had some doubts about her Conqueror boyfriend as the war dragged on (she's not completely stupid, after all). If she chose to put them aside and trust in him, it would make his betrayal of that trust hurt all the more.

"Abeke struggled to keep her composure, but when she thought of that day at Mulop's grotto, frightening images passed through her mind..." "Then Abeke saw Meilin, and her eyes widened in fear." "Without meaning to, she lifted a hand protectively to her throat." Abeke having a lasting fear of Meilin could have been such a rich concept to explore. Of course, we're made to believe that everything is fine and dandy between the Four after the war is over, but what if it wasn't that simple? Like, Abeke loves her friend and knows none of it was her fault, but she can't help but flinch away when she comes near, remembering those cruel fingers around her throat. It takes some time and therapy for her to feel entirely safe in her presence... and for her to truly let go of those memories of how she treated her before. Abeke and Meilin's relationship had the potential to be so complex after the first arc, but they took it nowhere, and I'll always be disappointed in that.

In the Spirit Animals game, Iskos is much, much larger than he is described in the text. I wish they made him gigantic in the books, too. My headcanon is that Stetriol, as the fantasy version of Australia, has a whole array of giant insects and arachnids. Iskos would be one of these.

"Not much to look at, are they? But then, I knew from the moment I met Abeke that we had nothing to fear from her." Oh, it's gonna be so good when Abeke kills Zerif and the Wyrm in one fell swoop in The Burning Tide: Revised. The fact that Zerif has always underestimated her, only to be brought down by her in the end... for her to prove to him that she is a force to be reckoned with.

Rollan says Concorba was hot, which prompted me to flip back to the map and realize that his city is almost level with Okaihee. This is surprising to me; I always imagined Concorba as being farther north in Amaya and having a continental climate, with mild summers and harsh winters.

It's stated that Rollan has only recently learned to see through Essix's eyes, but he actually first experienced this all the way back in Blood Ties.

Enter one of my favourite characters ever: Irtike! Oh Irtike, I love you so much. The authors realized you were too powerful and shelved you, but I never forgot you.

I can't believe I almost forgot to mention such an important detail, but in my universe, Chinwe is Abeke's aunt, and Irtike is her cousin. Chinwe and Ikenne, Abeke's mother, were sisters. Abeke always had a good relationship with her aunt, and was devastated to learn of her death. However, this means that when Abeke cuts off her father and sister in The Evertree, she still has one family member in Irtike. I've had this headcanon for so many years that I think of it as canon.

I love Rollan's perspective on Soama, and the implication that she only appears more beautiful than Abeke because unlike her, Soama is treated with love and care. It breaks my heart.

Pojalo straight up disowns Abeke. This is actually unforgivable. Him refusing to say that he loves her, declaring that she is dead to him... the fact that they made up after this is absurd. What were they thinking?

A nice little bit of foreshadowing is when Meilin fights the Devourer in a dream and can't see his face because he is covered head to toe in armour -- she can only stare into the "gaping black eyeholes" of his mask. Come to think of it, it would have been cool if Conor had cryptic dreams about the Devourer during his group's time in Nilo. He could have been plagued by them all the way through the book, disturbing visions of the Devourer night after night that he cannot decipher. When they discover Gar dead, Conor thinks this is what the dreams were warning him of. But then they realize the truth.

I always wondered how Shane didn't notice Abeke was injured when he came to get her and Meilin, but it's possible Jhi was able to heal her bruises and scratches that quickly.

"Meilin could sense Abeke's softness... Even if Shane was the kindest of their captors, Abeke needed to be using him, not falling for him." This line always gets me. Abeke's feelings for Shane being on full display, but she herself remaining oblivious to them is something I can't get enough of.

I'm assuming it would be impossible for Cabaro to sire cubs with his lionesses, but all the same, are they his mates? Would a Great Beast even look at a common animal that way? It's an interesting thought.

If Halawir hadn't convinced him to remain neutral, Cabaro might have fought alongside the Four Fallen in their last battle all those years ago. I wonder, was Halawir was going around changing the minds of any others he felt would be sympathetic to their cause?

Cabaro mentions that Briggan was the only one the Great Beasts all trusted. So despite being formed by the same disaster and walking side by side for eons, the Great Beasts still had reservations about their fellows? Interesting...

Cabaro makes a good point about the Greencloaks and their spirit animals, and mankind overall. I wish we could have known what Briggan and Essix were thinking during his speech; for a series called Spirit Animals, we barely ever get inside their heads! Especially when it matters, like now! I want to know how the Four Fallen feel about being spirit animals. Is there any resentment there? Any feelings of being trapped in their new, lesser bodies? Any wishes to return to the greatness and independence they knew for millennia and leave their human partners behind? A conflict revolving around the Four Fallen themselves and the complexity of being tied to humans would be intriguing as hell.

"...Drina, as beautiful as her brother, Shane, was handsome..." To me, this is proof that Abeke is bisexual. She totally has a crush on both of them.

Gerathon is canonically Abeke's biggest fear. Can't fault her for that.

I hold the belief that neither Drina nor Shane knew she was truly going to die that day. The way I see it, the Conqueror leaders originally planned to stage a fake death, in order to give Abeke and Meilin a reason to trust Shane. Both siblings were aware of this... but Drina's death unexpectedly turned out to be real, making her terror and his anguish all genuine. Gerathon and the Conqueror leaders could have decided to kill her because she was putting up too much resistance to Gerathon, and they feared defiance from someone in such a powerful position would cause dissent among the rest of the Conquerors. (In ARHoE, I took this idea and expanded on it a little more. Drina believes she should be leader and queen instead of her brother, and attempts to stage a coup. Her reckless campaign divides the Conquerors -- some are loyal to Shane, some to her. Naturally, Gerathon rewards her treachery with death.) That's just my opinion though, because to my knowledge this whole conspiracy is never fully explained. I love Drina, and wish we got more clarity on what happened here.

I don't think Abeke was meant to hear the whispered exchange between Gerathon and Shane. I think that was her reminding him, in the face of his shock and anger over his sister really being dead, to go ahead with the plan and not flake out now -- lest he meet a similar end.

Meilin wielding a sword in each hand is metal as fuck.

Conor literally stuck an axe in a Great Beast's back. Holy hell. I want to see him telling this story to a group of excited children.

Meilin being unwilling to fight that Conqueror boy because he could be in the same situation as she is was such a good layer to her internal conflict.

Gerathon bites Cabaro on the leg, but her venom doesn't seem to have any effect on him.

I like how they gave Shane's family similar features. Gar and Drina are both described as having large eyes.

"As they approached the spot of scuffed earth and open air that led down to the oasis, a nameless dread overtook Conor." Conor's bond with Briggan giving him not just cryptic visions of the far future, but little premonitions of the near future, is something I would have liked to see.

We don't get to see Cabaro's reaction to his oasis being levelled, which is a shame. Also, wow, even with half the team the Greencloaks bring destruction wherever they go, this time to the animal kingdom.

Why did Gar summon a wolverine, anyway? From what we've seen, people only call up animals that are native to their homeland. In the real world, upon which Erdas is painstakingly based, there are no wolverines anywhere close to Australia. They live in the northern forests of Canada and Eurasia (Amaya, Eura and Zhong on Erdas). So... what's the explanation for this? Are there wolverines in Stetriol, despite the arid climate being nothing like what they are used to? Or did Gar somehow manage to summon a spirit animal from another land?

Sundown has to be my favourite chapter of the book -- possibly even of the entire series. It's the calm before the storm, and a beautiful look into a friendship that will never be the same again. The romantic implications for Shane and Abeke are as clear as day here: The way she keeps noticing how he looks (the sun lighting his face, the lids of his eyes, his arm when she lays her hand atop it), him huskily calling her amazing and her blushing and looking away. I love how it's not fully spelled out, either, and it's up to the reader to deduce that there is love there from the observations she makes, from the words they say, from the way she thinks about him. Their romance is so slow and gentle and bittersweet. This is the last tender moment they'll have. It's sad to look back on it.

My theory is that Shane was letting Grahv out of passive state while they were on the ship, to swim around in the water out of Abeke's sight. This would explain Shane's ease around water, which isn't, to my knowledge, a natural trait of his -- his crocodile is lending him his abilities. Shane is also mentioned to have been diving into the sea without a shirt on, and Abeke would surely have seen the tattoo if Grahv was in passive form during this. Shane could have explained Renneg's absence by saying he was below decks, since the sight of the water made him queasy, and told Abeke not to disturb him because he was resting. This theory is technically invalid because Abeke says Shane hasn't summoned Renneg the whole voyage, but I truthfully don't know how else he could walk around shirtless.

I don't like that Irtike goes right back to Okaihee at the end of the book. What happened to the Irtike who told our protagonists "my heart lives outside of Okaihee now"? She deserved to go with Conor and Rollan to Greenhaven, be present at Tarik's funeral, become a Greencloak in-text and live at Greenhaven thereafter. After all, the Greencloaks probably have more need of her powers than Okaihee at the moment, since the village's failed crops mean it is no longer a target of the Conquerors. At the very least, she should have been one of the returning characters from previous books who travel with the team to Stetriol in The Evertree. (To tell you the truth, I just wanted a whole lot more of Irtike. What do you mean they created a character who is no doubt one of the most powerful people on the planet and then never used her again?)

"Shane turned to face Abeke, his expression unreadable." I just know Shane is gonna have nightmares about Abeke's shocked, disbelieving, betrayed face in this moment for the rest of his life.

"Essix shrieked, and Halawir cocked his head toward her, listening." I love how the Great Beasts seem to be able to understand the Four Fallen, even in their diminished forms. Like they are the only ones who can still hear their voices.

Poor Abeke. She has only just been able to prove that she was not secretly a traitor all along, only just been able to hope for her friends' full trust, and now she has unsuspectingly paved the way for the Conquerors' ultimate victory. She must be fearing that she is farther from acceptance than ever before. My poor, poor girl.

I like Conor's character development into a strong leader and think it was needed, but it happened much too fast. Instead of laying the necessary groundwork for this change early on and building from there, these authors seem to prefer having their characters do a 180 in the span of a single book or even a few chapters. That and the way they handled Irtike are my only major complaints about this book, though.

Did Rise and Fall stand the test of time and remain my favourite? Well, yes! I enjoyed this book from start to finish. There were so many things I loved about it: The introduction of badass one-timers Irtike and Drina, Abeke and Meilin among the Conquerors, all the sweet Shane and Abeke moments, and the fact that we got three new Great Beasts in one book! Most of all, I loved all its ups and downs. I remember being absolutely blown away reading Shane's betrayal when I was ten; that whole plot point was executed very well. Meilin and Jhi surrendering themselves to the Conquerors, Meilin in manacles, Jhi embracing her, made me inconsolable. And of course, Tarik's death was a gut punch. Even with all these losses, though, the book ends on a hopeful note -- the team still has two talismans. They still have a chance against their enemies, however slim. They've hit rock bottom, but they're still looking up. It's a powerful ending, and one that's always stuck with me.

This is part of an ongoing series.

Wild Born | Hunted | Blood Ties | Fire and Ice | Against the Tide | Rise and Fall | The Evertree

Immortal Guardians | Broken Ground | The Return | The Burning Tide

Heart of the Land | The Wildcat's Claw | Stormspeaker | The Dragon's Eye

Tales of the Great Beasts | The Book of Shane | Tales of the Fallen Beasts

[jeff-from-marketing]

So Baldur's Gate 3 has now fully released, and it kinda fucks?

Okay more than kinda, Baldur's Gate 3 should be the new standard for larger studios in terms of quality and, more importantly, how they treat players. I can't believe I'm saying that about a D&D game.

So for context to that last bit: I'm super fucking jaded on D&D. I've pretty much jumped ship entirely to any other TTRPG (namely Pathfinder 2e) because I hate how Wizards of the Coast have handled D&D 5e and how they treat their customers.

I fucking love Baldur's Gate 3. It's still got some of the D&D things I'm not overly fond of, but that's a personal taste thing, and overall this game fucking rules. Larian is really out here just making D&D a more fun experience than the actual Wizards of the Coast, it's honestly kinda wild.

But more than just in the context of "a D&D game" I want to talk about Baldur's Gate 3 in the larger scope of videogames as a whole, primarily in the triple A scene. There's a reason Baldur's Gate 3 is doing so well and why it's very quickly become so beloved, and it's not just because of the bear sex. That reason can be largely boiled down to "Larian respects their playerbase, and more importantly respects their money." Too often we're seeing games from big triple A companies that already have way too much fucking money just being absolutely filled beyond the brim with monetisation for something that's likely already $90-100 AUD. Or worse: games that borderline lie to you about how much they cost, Destiny 2 I'm fucking looking at you and your "genuinely the worst monetisation I have seen in a game." Or just straight up gacha games that are purpose built to fuck you out of your money and use similar tricks that the gambling industry uses to make money.

But Baldur's Gate 3? Pay the full price up front, and you get a full game. There's no hidden "gotcha!" monetisation, no battlepasses, no rotating digital storefront, no fake "premium" currency, no "but it's only cosmetic" microtransactions. I'm not even gonna gripe against their pre-order stuff like I normally would, because you could actually play the game before it was released. Baldur's Gate 3 was in Early Access for literal years before it fully released, and it used that time quite well! It's fascinating seeing where it came from and how much has changed since then. But more importantly: if you "pre-ordered" the game (read: buy it in Early Access) you could still play the game, you still immediately got something for your money. If you didn't like it, you could still refund it if you wanted to. As a nice little bonus: the game mostly just works! It's not perfect, there's some little oddities here and there, but I haven't had the game break yet. But then again, I'm one of the people who somehow managed to have a pretty bug-free Cyberpunk 2077 experience at launch, so who knows.

And plus it comes with couch co-op! Why is that so rare these days?? It feels like the only games you can really sit down with and play with friends these days are party games.

Of course, Baldur's Gate 3 isn't truly alone here. Horizon Zero Dawn/Forbidden West have come out as full games with no monetisation BS and working fine, albeit stuck to PlayStation for a long time before releasing elsewhere (although BG3 is currently PC exclusive, though that should change next month). God of War, while I've not personally played, I haven't heard anything egregious about it. Ratchet and Clank: Rift Apart is such a fun time, but at $125 AUD it's a hard sell, even knowing all the work that went into it (Though that did drop to just $95 AUD on PC). I'm even going to give Cyberpunk 2077 an honourable mention, because if you had a computer that could run it at launch it was still a damn good time. Though that one unfortunately came at the cost of "should never have been released on last gen consoles" and "worker abuse through crunch."

But all of those examples have the "pre-order to maybe get something" issue that Baldur's Gate 3 avoided through its Early Access launch. You also can't really share those games with friends. You can maybe let a friend borrow the game and then talk about it after you've both finished it in your own time, but that's kinda like watching a movie separately and then talking about it. It's just not the same. That's not even mentioning how small that list is. I'd say it's just single player games, but both Bethesda and Ubisoft have shown even they're not safe.

I haven't seen any game from a large studio respect the player as much as I have with Larian and Baldur's Gate 3. I definitely don't feel bad paying full price for this one. Once they're wrapped up with BG3, I don't suppose I could bribe them to make a Pathfinder game? Pretty please? Already like halfway there with Divinity: Original Sin 2!

[talenlee]

January 2024 Wrapup

One month down! 2024’s going to be easy, you’re going to see! We made it this far, we just have to do this again and I’m sure we’ll find a way. This month has seen a Games Done Quick event, a bunch of videos, five story piles!

Let’s get into it, looking at what you might have already seen and what you might have missed if you’re at all a fan of Things Talen makes!

This month’s Game Pile were:

Exploding Kittens, where I opine about an interface mistake in a game that’s pretty much entirely about revelling in its interface, right?

A Patreon and Channel trailer update, where I made a pair of videos for that

Puzzmo, a game that I have already stopped playing because it fails to localise to non-American spellings

A video form of my Gene Wars article, which adds some details and context about this aggressively tedious game that’s remarkably hard to play, even without Dosbox overcycling and making things die of old age

It also is the first month where, in the off weeks, Fox and I have been playing a game together – in this case, we played through Space Quest III, completing the trilogy. There are, after all, never any other Space Quest games, and you can go check those out over on Youtube (part 1, part 2).

While Story Pile articles covered:

The Sopranos, a TV series that took a lot of time to watch and was worth it and I immediately stopped caring about once I was done watching it,

Godzilla vs Megalon, a charming hokey 70s piece of kids’ action entertainment

Appare-Ranman!!, an anime about going fast that fails when it comes to races

The Traitor Baru Cormorant, a dense book about economics where some betrayal happens,

Afterschool Dice Club, an anime about board games, no really, actually about board games.

But that’s not all I wrote about this month that you can read, with your eyes! I wrote about how much I missed having the physical ritual of a bullet journal. You know, for the nine days I didn’t have it, which is weird because it’s not like I was doing detailed journalling at the end of December.

I wrote about the Speed stat in Pokemon games, and how it currently works. This article actually started as an introduction to the competitive idea of ‘speed tiers’ and how things could be generally positioned against one another. Turns out that no, just explaining how Speed works took a thousand damn words. I thought about ‘hey, who’s the fastest Transformer‘ and found the best answer I could have for that was absolutely nonsense and completely at odds with how Transformers presents that. Keeping with the theme of ‘speed’ during GDQ I wrote about the Speed of Communication and ways to categorise and consider that in your worldbuilding.

I talked about the Minotaur, the Iron Hearts, and the 404 Not Found of Cobrin’Seil, cultures that matter and need to be available for players, but need to also have a material presence in the world that makes them matter. 3rd Edition D&D had some real weird rules corners, and one of them was The Monk, and hey, hey now, I am talking about 3rd edition. You know, the real actual 3rd edition, the 3rd edition before 3.5 that everyone likes to pretend was just part of the same continuity. Anyway, monks were bad. And weird, and they didn’t have game language to describe their mechanical needs.

I also tried to confront the way that Atheism gets treated as a special kind of social evil which just happens to be in contest with someone claiming absolute knowledge of the runner of the whole universe, but we’re the smug ones. Also just vented about how much Mike Winger sucks ass, truly besmirching the noble name of Internet Weirdo Dudes Surnamed Winger, RIP to a real one.

For Magic: The Gathering content, I inspected 2023’s mechanics and what I want to do with them, along with my articles reflecting on 2023’s daily cards and announcing the plan for 2024’s daily cards — the story of Vox Maxima.

This month’s shirt/sticker design was this cute artwork I did of a Ralts reading books:

You can get this design printed on things here. Time is probably limited on this one.

And what else has happened this month, what do I have in terms of diary? Well, truth be told, I don’t have a good answer to that right now because as I write this it’s the twelfth of the month. January is a weird month, lots of stuff gets done because the year is now open in front of me, and as a result, I get a lot of stuff in the queue. I also had a subtheme for this month, with GDQ providing Speed Week.

What I do know about this month though, what I know about my diary, is that I’ve been working on things that need work. I have had to reconcile that the pandemic didn’t just pause my work it made it worse and that means that I’ve been finding victories where I can: What can I do? What can I make better? How much faster can I get things done? How can I make sure I’m always working? And …

At this point…

I’ve done it. I’ve done what I can so far, and I am going to get better.

I wanted to have Lysen Co out by now. I wanted to have Cancon stuff done, too! But money makes a lot of things in that space not stuff I can idly play around with, which is frustrating. This is a point where I’m really grateful for my Patreon – and yes, that does make me worry that I’m going to be trying hard to be crowd pleasing. I guess what I’m saying is if you say ‘I like this’ you might find me overproduce that because I want you to have more of it.

Got my booster shot. Jab in the arm. No reactions, no notes, incredibly boring. Actually no, my shoulder hurts a little bit which I think might be because a guy in a coat stuck a thin piece of metal into it so they could stuff some MRNA shedding nanomachines into my bloodstream so Bill Gates could track me. Mentioning that because it should be a thing people remember to do, and I did it. Easy Feel Good Points for me, since I don’t have any meaningful reactions and they could be sticking maple syrup in me for all I know. I’m genuinely at the point where I think I might be nonsymptomatic, and Fox might be too, and I may have contracted and shared Covid a hundred times and never noticed it because the canary in my personal coal mine is… immune… to… coal? Anyway.

I spend some time this month reading Michel Foucault, right at the source, and lemme tell you that guy’s work is dense. He’s got this really nuggety attitude of words, where there’s very little use of example and demonstration – there’s these heavy laden words that get explained, then he’ll drop all four of the ones he’s been explaining in a sentence and moving on. It means there’s a lot of back tracking and like ‘hey, is this what I think it means?’ It’s a really interesting experience of spending four hours with a twenty-two page essay and realising that yeah, I have these great ideas and I can explain them but it’s translated to… two hundred? words on the page.

There’s also been some delving into Roland Barthes, and back to Johan Huizinga, because Magic Circle theory has become more important to my demonstration of why I’m not invested in Magic Circle theory. Got to demonstrate that expertise.

It was CanCon month! I didn’t make a post about CanCon specifically, because the schedule filled up and that’s just how things go. CanCon meant three days away from my normal computer, and you know what that meant? When the Gene Wars video went up it went up with an audio error and I had to wait two days to fix it! Oh well, I’m sure we all had a laugh about it. I unlisted that video and by the time this goes up it should be fixed. And a new video should be a few days away. Shh~.

Anyway. CanCon was great! Nothing terrible happened and I’m definitely not writing this on night 2 of 3 thinking ‘well nothing bad is going to happen tomorrow!’

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[alderwoodbooks]

alrighty y’all.

I’ve been a bit afraid to write up my final thoughts on Red Rising by Pierce Brown because this book series has a cult following, and I’d love to sit here and tell you I understand why, but I truly can’t. A reminder before I get torn to threads that taste is subjective and I’m not telling you that you can’t enjoy these books! I’m just saying, I very much did not. <3

This book felt like a dumpster fire from start to finish. I posted earlier, when I was less than a quarter through the book with some of my issues with the book (the lack of originality, the insufferable main character, the clunky dialogue and overall just poor writing in general, and the way that all women are portrayed in the book as less than) and unfortunately for me, it did not get better. I read a review from someone else that said this book felt like if an angry 12 year old boy rewrote the hunger games and it made me laugh because I couldn’t agree more. There are so many elements of the story that remind me of other stories and it just makes the whole story fall very flat and feel very unoriginal, and very try hard. Despite the brutality in the story, it very much reads like a bad young adult dystopian novel, and good lord have I read my fair share of those.

One of the biggest issues I had with this book was the extreme misogyny. All of the female characters are constantly treated as less than, they are never seen as strong leaders, and if they are, they are quickly defeated by you guessed it, the strong macho men. The women are seen as prizes to be won in the games of war, the amount of extreme violence against them was astonishing. To me- it didn’t fit within the world of the book. These women are literally genetically modified to be the best humans in the world/universe, and so why are they seen as weaker and smaller and frailer than the men, and then dealing with all of this violence against them? Maybe it was supposed to be a “lord of the flies” type of moment, but if so, it was not written clearly enough, and instead just reads as misogyny coming from pierce brown himself? I’m not sure, but it didn’t feel right, and it was also painful to read. I was told that there was a reason behind it and that it gets explained at the end of the book, and maybe I’m just missing something, but I didn’t catch it, and also, I don’t want to have to sit through an entire book of misogynistic and at times, extremely homophobic (the pixies comments throughout the book feel a little ick to me personally, I dont love it.) bullshit for no real reason.

I’ve read a lot of sci-fi and fantasy this year, in fact, I’ve read almost exclusively sci-fi and fantasy, and Red Rising was probably one of the worst books I’ve read this year, but, it’s so loved by many, and I was encouraged to finish it because “it gets better!” I am still debating on reading the second book because again, I’ve heard it gets better, but I’ve also got three other sci-fi books on my tbr list that I know for a fact are going to be good (the second murderbot diary’s book, the new edition of the bone season which I’m so excited to dive into as soon as I finish my current read, which is the traitor of baru cormorant, which is such a nice pallet cleanser, and then I’ve got two neil shusterman books I want to dive into) and so I’m not so sure I want to devote the time or energy into it.

All in all, I went into this book not expecting much, just knowing that I heard many mixed reviews. I wanted to like the story, I really did, but it felt like a poor rendition of a bunch of other, better written, better executed, dystopian stories, mixed with some white boy misogyny, homophobia and rage. I ended up giving it a 1.5 stars out of 5 and I still feel like that’s being generous.

[saviourkingslut]

idk if ur not doing the fe3h asks anymore but if u r #8 pls!

sorry for only getting back to you now anon ive had a couple mad busy days. but ill gladly take any excuse to give my opinion lmfao

8. what storyline threads should have had more development / been further explored?

the whole argarthan plotline is just. such a mess. on the one hand the game tells is that they're a major player in fódlan's history and current politics - they orchestrated the death of lambert, resulting in the duscur massacre and the destabilisation of faerghus, weakening it for future war; they ally themselves with edelgard, though they support her and work against her in turns; they're directly responsible for jeralt's death and for byleth becoming enlightened, etc. they can nuke whole-ass cities. and yet at the same time? they feel completely inconsequential. if they hadn't been there almost every action they undertake could be foisted upon the adrestian emperor in one way or another, or in case of byleth's enlightenment, forced through in some other way (it's a world with gods and magic, it wouldn't have been hard to figure something out).

white clouds makes Such an issue of their powers and involvement, they build up all the mystery around tomas and thales and their involvement with the flame emperor, and then in the war arc they deadass do fuck all and show up as a complete afterthought in the last few chapters on ss and vw (and i believe on am you straight up take out a bunch by circumstance on the final map and it's barely addressed lmao like they genuinely disappear from the narrative after the timeskip). all the attention goes out to the war with adrestia - which isn't bad, bc that is the main story the game is going with and which should be fully developed, but the argarthans just fit into it so awkwardly that i feel like the writers didn't really know how to combine the red emperor plot with the argarthan plot. especially bc their goals do not actually always align with edel/gard's, so you can't treat them as a wholly allied entity either.

i don't have any real ideas as to how their writing could've been improved on, exactly, but their potential is pretty wasted. i mean, the whole 'mole people who live in an underground city and want to kill the last angels remaining on earth' feels like a bit of a reach, but ive seen weirder things executed well enough in other media. im still particularly disappointed with the way nemesis is shown to be a larger than life figure, a literal killer of gods, he looks fucking insaneee in the intro cinematic, and then he shows up in one final map and it almost feels like a joke. zero build-up, doesn't feel like anything is truly on the line. that's the problem with the argarthans in general i feel. edel/gard's war at least makes me feel something, especially on am: the stakes feel real, she has to be stopped. the argarthans are just kind of. there. and the game tells me they're evil so i guess ill kill them but they feel like annoying pale magic clowns to me more than anything else lmfao

[x----tine]

We Thought You’d Died

By Allie Rowbottom

July 12, 2024

Goodnight Sweet Thing by Cristine Brache

“WE DREAMT OF / Flowers and listening to women / Still, every time / we go to bed / we go to war.” Thus begins the titular poem in Cristine Brache’s latest collection, Goodnight Sweet Thing (2024), a rich, layered, lyrical meditation on mortality, embodiment, womanhood, and the various performances therein. It’s a poem I heard Cristine read for the first time at New York’s KGB Bar in late 2021, when our friendship was new, yet somehow still familiar. Now, several years and many conversations later, when I read “Goodnight Sweet Thing” to myself, I hear my friend’s voice in my head—“Sleep / drowns in the arms of a fallen angel. / Maybe she’s been nauseous since January / like me”—and am reminded that listening to women is not just a gift but a source. Of friendship, yes, but also of art.

Cristine is a multidisciplinary artist whose visual work has been exhibited internationally at galleries and institutions such as Berlinische Galerie and ICA Miami and critically reviewed in places such as The New York Times, Artforum, The New Yorker, and, of course, the Los Angeles Review of Books. Goodnight Sweet Thing is her second collection, but it includes her debut, Poems, previously published by Codétte in 2018. I spoke with Cristine about her artistic practices, the influence of Playboy Playmates, the intersections between visual and written work, near-death experiences, and adapting Goodnight Sweet Thing to performance art, on a blanket in Central Park on the last temperate summer day in New York. I hope you enjoy listening to us.

¤ ALLIE ROWBOTTOM: Let’s discuss your relationship with Playboy Playmate Dorothy Stratten. She plays an important role in this book and is influential in your visual art as well. Where did the fascination with her begin for you? How has she made her way into your poetry?

CRISTINE BRACHE: I had known about Dorothy as a cult figure representing lost potential, because she died so young. And because she was poised to be the first Pamela Anderson, who started with Playboy and successfully transitioned to Hollywood. Dorothy was supposed to be the person who could represent Playboy as a truly feminist enterprise, where the women are all treated well, and there’s some upward mobility. She died super young, which was also fascinating to me as well. But I got really interested in her when I found out that she wrote poetry. In the documentation of Dorothy’s life, she’s always smiling, but then the words she’s writing are sad, self-aware, full of pain and disappointment with Hollywood. That duality is endlessly fascinating to me. On top of the fact that she just wrote good poems.

In Dorothy’s poem that functions as the epigraph of your book, she equates people with games. Which makes me think of what you were saying last night about near-death experiences, that studying them on YouTube has made life feel more like a game to you.

When I was 13, my friends and I would take Freon out of the central AC unit in my house in Florida. We would fill whole garbage bags with it, tie the end with a rubber band, and inhale. My lips would turn blue and I would pass out. The passing-out part is what remains interesting to me because I realized later that I was having near-death experiences, especially because I remember that my periods of unconsciousness felt very long. I would be in darkness, but I had an intuitive knowing that I was talking to entities. It felt like I was standing before a tribunal of three judges or deciders. Each time I would go, they would have to convince me why I needed to go back to earth. And they would replay potential scenarios of my future. It was almost like a VHS cassette, with them rewinding and forwarding, going through brief moments of me running around a pool with one of my neighbors, laughing. The reasons were not profound. When I woke up, my friends would be huddled over me saying, “Oh my God, we thought you’d died.”

When you were with the tribunal, did you want to go back to earth?

I don’t remember having a strong feeling of yes or no. I didn’t answer your question. What was it again?

I didn’t really ask one but I meant to! What relationships do masking and games have to your work?

Well, all the world’s a stage, and all the men and women are merely players.

Shakespeare was, like, highly evolved. He was like his last life incarnation.

Totally. He was like, “Alright, now I’m on my last life, it’s time to write it down.” I remember the first time I heard that quote, I was in fifth grade and I was just like: Damn, it is a stage, isn’t it?

In Dorothy’s poem, the use of the word games has a negative connotation to it. There’s this implication that she’s being played, but when we talk about near-death experiences and spirituality, I’m thinking about it like, if this plane that we’re on is a kind of fractal of the unison that we experience on other planes, then life as we know it is simply a slower way to process what the beauty of oneness is. It’s not really about how much you achieve materially, but how much you can enrich your sense of presence. I don’t know, I feel like I’m rambling.

No, that’s cool. Because that feels like the point of poetry in some ways. To enrich one’s sense of presence.

I see a poem as a snapshot of presence. Poetry ties the outer world with the inner world and points at extremely specific sensations that we all experience in life.

Most of your poems do seem to explore the relationship between tangible, material elements and the emotional, spiritual, conceptual realm.

I’m a very emotional, very classically confessional poet. I see poetry as a space where I’m really holding my own, where I don’t have to account for anybody. It’s a very protected space for me where I feel I can express myself without feeling bad about what I’m saying or thinking or how other people might feel.

Do you want to talk a little bit about the relationship of your older work to your newer work? Placing them side by side as you do in this collection makes for an interesting exercise. I have observations about the differences that I see.

I’m curious to hear your observations.

Should I tell you now?

Yeah.

It feels to me that in Goodnight Sweet Thing, there’s a heightened sense of dissociation at times, as if we have a disembodied speaker who often observes herself from outside herself. But in Poems, we get more visceral embodiment, comparative to the first part of the book. There’s more sex, for example.

I wrote the first book, Poems, when I was younger. Those poems were more directly about my immediate experience, whereas the poems in Goodnight Sweet Thing are more existential for me. I started writing Goodnight Sweet Thing during COVID-19 lockdown. And I was contemplating death in a way that I really hadn’t before. I also think having some distance from my youth allowed me to reflect more on what is all this. Generally, the new book is about the meaning of life and aging as a woman. And then also notions of performance, which for me is often filtered through the lens of being a woman.

Culturally, we’re enamored with youth, so when you’re young, it’s easy to perform certain kinds of ideal womanhood (even if you, the performer, still feel like a girl). Then you get older and start to see yourself from the outside more; you start to examine that performativity.

One hundred percent. Which also goes back to Dorothy’s poem, and this notion of lost potential, or a false promise. In Poems, my earlier work, the question was how can I reflect on my own youth when I’m still young? But in both books, a fraught relationship to objectification persists. There’s a poem in Goodnight Sweet Thing where I’m like, the only thing I’ll miss is my skin.

I remember you saying that in conversation before. I think you said it on New Year’s Eve. When we were leaving that party, remember?

I probably wrote it down the next day. One way I come up with lines is through conversation. Others start as tweets. Years ago, when I lived in China, I would just tweet one line at that time. And then go back and build poems around those lines or combine them. That’s like the best use of Twitter. I wish more people used Twitter that way.

Yeah, now it feels like people are just on there for the hate. I would like to hear you talk a little bit about the relationship between your poetry and the performance you recently directed of Goodnight Sweet Thing.

Last year when I was starting to put my book together, I was like, I want to adapt this to theater. It felt like a fun exercise. And then I thought, Well, performance art is sort of like the poetry of the stage. And then I was like, Well, what would my poetry look like visually? And I had these flashes in my head of two women mud wrestling, and of Victorian psychoanalysis and the medicalization of women’s emotions, and of hypnosis and mesmerism. So I reached out to Sigrid Lauren, who is an amazing performance artist, and she co-adapted the book with me. She choreographed the performance, and we co-directed it together. I broke apart the book, the poetry, and recontextualized it as dialogue for the performers. So basically 90 percent of everything they said was broken-up poetry, recontextualized to suit what the performers were doing onstage. For example, the two female Jell-O wrestlers became two parts of the same mind. One of the characters expresses the part of the self that is dutifully performing to survive in society and culture. And then the other performer is the part that believes it’s insufferable to perform because you’re betraying yourself. And then the male referee, who later became the mesmerist, plays the part of the patriarchy, the arbiter.

Have you experimented with hypnosis and mesmerism yourself?

I did get hypnotized once. I had gotten really into past life regression. So I went to see this acclaimed past life regression lady from Toronto. It was fucking expensive, like $400, and she didn’t even give me the full hour. I thought it was a rip-off at the end.

Did you have a past life memory?

I don’t know. I did have memories, but how can you tell what’s real or not? I find it interesting that there’s this exploitative side of hypnosis. You can take advantage of someone but what you find in their subconscious could also be true. I like that duality where you don’t really know which one it’s going to be, and that duality shows up in my artwork a lot. Because I feel like in navigating culture, or just interpersonal relationships, you often have directly opposing needs. It’s fascinating to hold space for both of them and not just write them off.

Tell us a little more about your visual art and maybe specifically your recent work influenced by Dorothy Stratten.

I started working in encaustic work. And I made a series inspired by Dorothy Stratten and, more broadly, Playboy Bunnies. I was looking for candid images of them, and then also images of them in relation to men. These images tie to the themes that we’ve been talking about throughout this entire interview, conceptually, and practically, and—what’s the word?—materially. The candids were done with a thicker encaustic process. So the women in the images look like they’re stuck under a frozen lake.

If you had to pick one poem of yours to pair with your paintings, which would it be?

Last Night I Felt Afraid to Die

Remember to turn off the lights wherever you don’t want to see.

Remember, I am a feather in love and this world is a thief.

How sick must it make us? Mop me up and send me the bill.

In another life, I find my fantasy where the void respects me forever.

What hope is there, if feathers can no longer fall to the ground with grace?

LARB CONTRIBUTOR

Allie Rowbottom is the author of the novel Aesthetica, published in November 2022 by Soho Press and named a best book of 2022 by Glamour Magazine, NPR, and Vanity Fair. Allie’s memoir, JELL-O Girls, was a 2018 New York Times Editors’ Choice. She holds a PhD in literature from the University of Houston and lives in Los Angeles.

[rosyvvoods]

So I was in my feelings about Frank and while I'm sure someone else has mentioned this, I noticed something while looking thru screenshots of him when you play as Bell and you have a conversation with Woods and Mason. Aside from the whole scene being heart melting in the best way, I saw that his vest has pins on it.

And while I'm not sure what the shield-shaped patch is for (I tried looking it up assuming it was a military insignia of some kind, but to no avail) and the one pin is an indigenous man wearing a war bonnet (again I tried to look up if it was for anything specific, but I found nothing- not even outdated sports teams and names nor any kind of product merchandising that was of the era) BUT what I COULD find was about the small blue one.

It's got the words "PEACE NOW" on it with a dove, all in white. And it seemed vaguely familiar to me on top of it being interesting that Frank Woods, notable military man extraordinaire who fought in the Korean and Vietnam war with a lot of overabundance of confidence and cockiness, would have a pin about peace. So here's what I found.

A 1968 war protest button advocating for peace and opposing the Vietnam War. Now I personally am a very anti-war individual and have done research on the anti-war movements surrounding the era and I've made my own headcanons and also maybe an oc that falls in love with Frank who is heavily inspired by Jane Fonda, actress and activist of the times and I dunno! I just feel very validated and vindicated about the fact that canonically, Frank Woods wears a vest with an anti-war peace pin for a war he fought in and was a POW of and came home from. Notably a war that showed civilians the true horrors of war up close and treated its veterans horribly, especially by the general populace. LONG STORY SHORT despite doing what they do I truly believe that Woods, and Mason by extension, have become disillusioned by all of the things they've done and they've been through and are reflective on being cogs in the military machine. I could write an entire essay on this but I just thought it deserved a post.

(And all the screenshots are taken from youtube videos/watching my friend leevhs stream the game NDJDBJS nothing fancy but I just wanted to make that clear that these were just screenshotted off of my phone and not anyone's edits)

[thegunlady]

Movies I watched in 2022

I kept track of this last year and it was fun, so I'm doing it again! I realize literally no one asked, but here is an extremely long and pointless rundown of every movie I watched this year. Complete with commentary and IMDB links. For posterity or whatever.

As before, I counted movies I'd already seen, but I didn't double up on movies I watched more than once in 2022 - which happened a fair amount as I am a serial re-watcher and comfort-movie-haver. I also didn't include a handful of movies that I put on as background noise while doing other things and didn't truly Watch.

January:

1. Zombieland (2009) - Okay the CGI is pretty freaking bad. But it's still a funny and cleverly-executed take on a zombie movie that holds up pretty well 13 years later.

2. Zombieland: Double Tap (2019) - This is pretty much exactly what you want from a sequel - more of the same with the whole main cast returning, but taken a little bit further with lots of callbacks. It was perfectly fun, but just a little too silly for me I think.

3. Brazen (2022) - Imagine my surprise when I played some new Netflix crime thriller on a whim only to discover that it's based on a romance novel from the '80s that I've actually read! I didn't even make the connection until the opening credits, despite the title and the trailer. Anyway, this movie was...almost good? Like the pieces were there, but it came off pretty much daytime soap.

4. Collide (2016) - This is another case of a movie thinking it was gonna be much cooler than it was—as evidenced by the all-star cast despite some pretty shaky writing—but tbh it was still pretty cool? I love a car movie, and I love a heist movie, and I love an action adventure that centers on a love story (although I dock points for fridging).

5. Kiki's Delivery Service (1989) - Guess who just saw this for the first time? It was me! But clearly this movie is charming at any age. It's the very definition of sweet and lovely, and the animation style is so beautiful (of course). Also Jiji is everything!!!

6. Mission: Impossible (1996) - I LOVE these movies. I'd forgotten that the first movie is really more of a classic cold war spy thriller, with a lot of intrigue and heisting and not so much action. Which I think is so smart and so much more compelling. I had a blast.

7. Mission: Impossible II (2000) - I know this movie has always been lauded as the terrible, outlier Mission Impossible movie that no one likes—and I agree that it's a hard deviation from the rest in terms of style and it IS objectively the worst of the bunch—but I really enjoyed it. More than I remembered. It has some glaring issues, but sometimes you just want to watch Tom Cruise driving a motorcycle through fire in slow motion from 3 camera angles, or doing the same backflip kick move 7 times, also in slow motion, and that's VALID.

8. Mission: Impossible III (2006) - Are you sensing a theme here? I think this might be my favorite M:I movie. It's really stylish and slick without being too over the top, and I LOVE a macguffin as the story engine of an adventure film! It keeps things simple and leaves room for more character stuff—which this movie does a pretty decent job of. Also talk about your great villains.

February:

9. Nightmare Alley (1947) - Spooky and atmospheric and compelling and fun! What is it about vintage carnivals? It's just THE vibe. Curious to see how the new adaptation holds up.

10. Nightmare Alley (2021) - Naturally, GDT's version of this movie is a spectacular visual treat, and leans in to the Fucked Up Magical Realism of it all in a way that really works for the story. But this version is WAY too long and monologue-y, with more added detail than truly necessary. It also leapfrogs over the 'fun and games' bit of screenwriting structure that really made the first movie sing, imho. It's a cool film, but I enjoyed watching the original a lot more.

11. Book of Love (2022) - This shit was so cute! Also, in a scathing indictment of modern cinema, I was shocked to discover that this isn't even an adaptation of anything! It was a clever and lovely and original romance that gets bonus points for being fairly bilingual - not entirely, but they actually do a good job of having characters who are native Spanish speakers actually speak Spanish with subtitles when talking to each other. I wish it had a little more of an epilogue though. Which I could say about so many stories, but especially romcoms. I'm going to become a youtuber JUST so I can make a video essay about the importance of showing the status quo change at the end of a story!!!

12. The Hating Game (2021) - I realize I'm completely biased by my preexisting affinity for the novel, but this movie is so much fun!! And, as I've said before, a really faithful adaptation! It's extremely silly and has a few writing issues, especially in the second half, but I don't care I love it.

13. Plus One (2019) - I LOVED this movie when it came out but I only saw it the once so I was curious to see if I'd still love it a whole pandemic later—and I do! It's fun and banter-y and, imho, a good example of a comedy that is about people who are actually funny, like, as part of their personality. Rather than essentially blank people who "funny" things happen to, like so many romcoms.

14. A Long Way Down (2014) - Aww, this movie was lovely! It's not a super original concept but a good one, and executed well. A stellar cast and just a great...well, not quite found family story, but it has similar beats and I like that it's about something slightly more than that. Also Aaron Paul and Imogen Poots should play love interests in all the movies. This is the second one I've seen and they're so cute.

15. Austenland (2013) - The perfect, confectionary Valentine's Day treat! Not that there's ever a bad time to watch this absolute GEM. It's bonkers and adorable and so much fun.

16. I Want You Back (2022) - Nothing earth-shattering but I think the characterization of the two mains was actually kind of poignant and nuanced. Also Jenny Slate is hilarious always. Why am I watching so many romantic comedies? Is it because it's Valentine's month and that's where my brain and also the Algorithm™ are pointing? Super probably. Anyway.

March:

17. West Side Story (2021) - I'm honestly not sure we really needed another adaptation of this. And this one was extremely long. But I always love a musical, it has to be said, and this one was no exception. I really love the look of it - how they made it look like kind of a cross between an actual stage play, and those detailed, built facades that were movie sets back when the original movie came out. I also love how they lit and composed every scene between Tony and Maria to make it look dreamy and incredible and highlight how they were in their own little world, and then dropped the dreamy lighting and framing as soon as their moment was over.

18. Star Trek (2009) - I just listened to the episode of Beyond the Screenplay about this movie and I was intrigued by so much of their conversation on how it ties into and diverts from the original series. It was fun to watch this movie through that lens. Also just so many charming performances.

19. Star Trek Into Darkness (2013) - I mean I watched one, so it only made sense to watch the next. It was almost equally fun! Although I was not inspired to watch the third movie, so.

20. Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021) - Geez Louise this movie hit me unexpectedly. I was anticipating multiverse spider-man(s) hi-jinx which I DID get and it was SO GOOD, but there was less than I'd hoped, and this movie is ultimately pretty fucking bleak. It's clearly designed to set up Multiverse of Madness so I guess they can undo or redo anything they want, but oof. I am straight-up Bummed Out™.

April:

21. All The Old Knives (2022) - This movie did it perfectly fine, but I'm not the biggest fan of stories that keep flashing between the past and present. It's impressive writing and it definitely can be really cool to use it for a reveal that totally changes the meaning of something you've already seen, but, imho, when you use it as the whole story engine it A. kills the forward momentum of the action and B. robs the emotional significance out from under everything because you're just constantly seeing heavy subtext you couldn't possibly parse, and then seeing even more before the first pays off. I find it a little frustrating and boring (see: Arrow). But this movie was still cool.

22. The Batman (2022) - Okay this movie is almost 3 full hours and it took me 2 tries and then 4 sittings to watch it which I'm sure was not the intended or preferred moviegoing experience™ but I simply could not get through it any other way, my friends. Also this movie was so (literally) dark I have no idea what was going on in half the scenes. And a lot of the dialogue was just SO on the nose I mean it was fine but can we have just a little bit more subtext people, please. HOWEVER it was still pretty dope. I like that it wasn't bonkers action-y and was a little more noir/hard-boiled detective vibes. And I love this new turn of weird, soggy sewer rat Batman.

May:

23. Firestarter (2022) - This was my first theater movie since 2019! There were only 2 other people in the theater, because it turns out this movie has 12% on Rotten Tomatoes, which I did not realize when I purchased my ticket. Having seen it, this does not surprise me. It's pretty bad. BUT I like Zac Efron, I like an angry young girl with powers, and I'm glad for a return to weird little 90-minute movies.

24. 2:22 (2017) - Big fan of the cerebral romantic drama with a sci-fi twist! I think the premise is amazing and the performances are good and I loved it's whole style and vibe, but I'm not sure all the mechanics fit together as well as they maybe could have. I still really liked it though.

25. Contact (1997) - The peak of alien sci-fi cinema in my book. This movie rules so hard. I love the '90s character archetype of brazen adventure-science woman. (See also: Helen Hunt in Twister, and Laura Dern in Jurassic Park). And I love a flat change arc with huge themes.

June:

26. Jonathan (2018) - This movie has a legitimately fun premise and the first half was cool but the second half just kinda fizzled and rolled to a vague stop without doing anything to tie up the themes or pay off the details that it set up. Pass.

27. Need for Speed (2014) - I love this movie so much. I've literally seen it 20 times. I just like a car movie! I don't give a shit about cars IRL but car/racing movies just have a distinctive style and set of tropes associated with them that is so fun to me. And this one in particular has a great premise and cool locations a fantastic cast that was clearly having an amazing time and I love it so much. Also my power is out so I don't have internet and this is the only thing I had downloaded.

July:

27. The Princess (2022) - Okay, so I love the concept of a reverse rescue-the-princess story where instead of a prince fighting his way up the tower to get to the princess, the princess wakes up locked in the tower and must fight her way down. I just wish this movie did a little more with it? Like they sorta tried to break the movie into 'levels' of the tower, but if they leaned into that way more it would have been awesome. The action stuff was kinda cool and I actually like that they were a little silly and anachronistic with it, but it just didn't hang together for me. The tone was inconsistent, the pacing was weird, and the movie did basically zero character work. And I'm bummed out because I feel like there could be a version of this movie that's SO fun and memorable—a la A Knight's Tale or something— but this isn't it.

28. Last Night in SoHo (2021) - Yoooo I loved this movie. I mean I am firmly an Edgar Wright fan, so I guess I'm biased, but it was so cool. We love a neon-soaked movie. We love '60s music. We love time travel—or something like it. All vibes. I didn't really love how the third act wrapped up - it sorta took a hard turn - and also we really should have seen Sam Clafin's character at least one more time than we did for everything to work. But I forgive it.

29. A Nice Girl Like You (2020) - For me personally, this was a movie with a premise/tone that I didn't find particularly fun or interesting but was saved by really solid performances and pretty flawless screenwriting structure. It was a little dated, raunchy, and cringy for my own tastes, but it hit every beat right on the head with a cast that seemed to have chemistry and have fun and I respect that. Also not for nothing but I think I might have a full-on crush on Lucy Hale.

30. Monsters (2010) - I was in college when this movie came out and I remember my roommate at the time being obsessed with it and making me watch it, but I haven't seen or thought about it again until it popped up on HBO Max today. It's a 90-minute indie monster movie that's high-tension but low-action, open-ended, and really only about two people, which is exactly the kind of story stuff I'm all about. Great work everyone.

31. Kimi (2022) - Ohh another unique, 90-minute, blessedly simple, and character-driven thriller! Let's keep it up, team. I really enjoyed this one—and oof the stuff the heroine is going through at the start of the movie is Big Relatable in this COVID world of ours.

32. The Map of Tiny Perfect Things (2021) - Bro, I'm on a roll with my last few movies. This one was extremely delightful! Y'all know how much I love a time travel/time loop movie and this one was so sweet. Also the dude in this movie (*checks notes* Kyle Allen) is going be a star he's so good.

33. Above the Shadows (2019) - This is one of those slightly frustrating movies that - imho - has a great premise and great cast and could have been AMAZING, but had a couple writing issues that made it just okay. But I still enjoyed it!

34. Jurassic Park (1993) - I mean, a legendary, ultimate classic. What more is there to say? We need more 'monster' movies that are simple and cool with a degree of whimsy and awe. The '90s were great at this, let's bring it back! Also I'm about to rewatch all the JP movies in preparation for Dominion so buckle up.

35. The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997) - This one is markedly less whimsical than the first, with much more violence and much more annoying villains. But the cute chemistry and easy affection between Jeff Goldblum and his daughter and Julianne Moore is delightful. Also I do appreciate the turn of the dinosaurs being completely innocent and the greedy humans being even more cartoonishly evil.

36. Jurassic Park III (2001) - This movie is actually great?? I love that it's a bit more of a return to form, with Alan and Ellie of course, but also just with general fun. The horror-esque reveal of the pterodactyl and the ringing phone signaling the proximity of the t-rex are both EXCELLENT.

37. Purple Hearts (2022) - I took a break from the dinos to watch a ridiculously sappy and overwrought romance because I can't resist them. HOWEVER. This one was fucking awful. (And I am not that picky re: this genre.) The pacing and tone was all over the place, the writing was sloppy, and also it's some major military propaganda and the characters go through basically no change!!! Oof. OOF!!!

38. Jurassic World (2015) - Okay we're back and oh my god I forgot that this movie kinda fucking slaps?? It's honestly the perfect way to continue a franchise, and I love the shift of the original film being about the hubris of how, in this dawning technological age, we're doing every awesome science thing we can think of because we can, and who cares about the consequences. To this one being about KNOWING what a terrible idea it is but doing it anyway and doing it MORE because of corporate greed (although the parallels there to rebooting a cash cow film series are not lost on me). But even so, this movie is bright and fun and cool and the story is blessedly simple and I really love it.

39. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018) - I like this movie a lot, but it occurs to me that the two JP movies that actually take place in a working park are by far the most fun. The visual trappings of a theme park and something so happy turning so awful is really compelling. And so are the built-in boundaries of being confined inside the park over the course of one day. Really only the original film and the first Jurassic World have that. For the rest, the world is already in chaos and there are essentially no boundaries or much ticking clock at all - which is fine, but there's just something less urgent and Too Big about it for me, personally.

40. Jurassic World Dominion (2022) - Weirdly, this movie might have a few TOO many dinosaurs? I feel like the past movies revealed dinosaurs at key moments but in this one I'm pretty sure there's literally never someone not getting attacked by a dinosaur (or a giant bug 😟!!!) But also I loved it! I loved getting the whole gang(s) back together, and the updated feathered dinos! And the baby dinos!

41. The Gray Man (2022) - I wanted this movie to be better? It was cool overall, and there was some stuff I really liked, but it was SUPER long and big stretches were kinda boring and I personally felt like it spent too much time on all the wrong character dynamics. Poor Ana de Armas got basically zero motivation or plot work at all. We learn nothing about her and you could almost literally just edit her out of this movie and absolutely nothing changes. A bummer.

August:

42. Encanto (2021) - Guess who cried twice during this movie? It was me. I'm so glad I finally watched this it was so beautiful in every way. My heart is full. Also shoutout to the CinemaWins video about this movie for making me pause that video and watch it immediately.

43. The Time Traveler's Wife (2009) - Oh look it's me, crying at the second movie in one night (I've been kinda going through it the past few weeks I think I was subconsciously seeking catharsis via tearjerkers). Anyway, time travel and epic romance are my two most favorite things in fiction so it's no wonder to anyone that I adore this movie.

44. Uncharted (2022) - Listen I'm just generally down for a bog-standard swashbuckling, map-poring, treasure-seeking adventure movie. This one isn't really anything special but I was passably charmed and if they make more, I'll watch 'em.

45. Persuasion (1995) - I've actually never read Persuasion nor experienced any adaptation of it until now. I loved it! And, to my own surprise since I often rant about these things, I love that this movie doesn't really spend time explaining Anne and Wentworth's specific history. I don't know if/how much the novel does either, but it's kind of remarkable how much it doesn't really matter. I also love that it appears to be shot entirely on location with barely any lighting setups, color grading, or even much time spent on hair and makeup.

46. The Lost City (2022) - Hee! As a great lover of both romance novels and cheesy adventure movies, this combination of the two was - maybe a TOUCH slapstickier than I would have liked - but overall EXTREMELY delightful. More weird and silly hijinx movies!!! please!!

47. Inside the Mind of a Cat (2022) - I guess this is more of an hour-long Netflix special than a real movie and it also seems like a good dose of pseudoscience to me, but I literally don't care! It was 60 minutes of cute kitties!

September:

48. Love in the Villa (2022) - This is an objectively bad movie held together entirely by Kat Graham and Tom Hopper being great scene partners and excellent comedic actors. I can't quite say I hated it, but it's also. Not good. At all.

October:

49. Black Widow (2021) - Finally got around to watching this! Tbh this movie was like a decade overdue and not really worth the wait to me, personally, but it was still fun! I love weird family hi-jinx!

50. Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021) - Once again, I'm kinda burned out on Marvel movies and also this was a late-night watch after a long day of hiking, drinking, and general carousing during a family vacation, thus I was nodding off for some of it. But I liked it! It was more unique than most Marvel movies of recent memory.

51. Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) - Not to bring this up AGAIN, but I am a longtime lover of ridiculous romance novels. As such, I am used to their General Nonsense and legitimately enjoy this movie (and the other two) for exactly what they are. Which is ridiculous. I make no excuses for the weird and the problematic, I just think wildly over-the-top romance is the best. Also, this first movie really did try to do something interesting with the story before the franchise was throttled by EL James. (I highly recommend Dan Olsen's video essay about this).

52. Fifty Shades Darker (2017) - Like I said, I just kinda like these movies. I'm not proud of it. And even though the first is by far the best objectively, I think this one is my favorite? Just for silly aesthetic and trope-y reasons.

53. The Choice (2016) - I loved this movie!!! I'm a sucker for all the Nicholas Sparks movies I have to admit (you're shocked), but this one might be my favorite yet?? Excellent use of my favorite tropes re: silly and banter-y couples, and agonizing romantic beats.

54. The Host (2013) - I feel like this movie was generally panned as more YA nonsense given its source material, and then instantly forgotten about, but I actually love it! I think it's really beautiful aesthetically and the score is amazing and william hurt is weirdly SO good in his role and it's romantic and dramatic and I've seen it a bunch of times.

55. Free Guy (2021) - This movie is so silly, but it's also reasonably heartfelt and creative and I just think it's fun.

56. Avatar (2009) - The movie, the myth, the legend. With the sequel allegedly coming out, I was curious to revisit the original. The actual storyline is whatever (slash slightly problematic) but the premise is really cool and the effects are amazing.

57. The Age of Adaline (2015) - Me? Watching sweeping romantic dramas and things related to time travel? Groundbreaking. But anyway I enjoyed this movie. I kinda wanted them to do a little more with the concept, but overall it was lovely. Also whoever that guy is who played young Harrison Ford deserved to be in more than 2 scenes he fucking crushed it.

58-61. The Hunger Games Series (2012-2015) - I LOVED these books and I remember being a little disappointed by the movies at the time, but having just watched them all again y'know what? They're pretty good. And they hold up.

62. Happy Death Day (2017) - This was my Halloween movie choice! Again! I truly never get sick of it. It's more funny and clever than actually scary, but still leans on some spookiness and it's a delight. Carter and Tree are so cute which really sells the whole thing. Also you guys know how much I love a time loop. This move is kind of the gen Z answer to Scream and they nailed it.

November:

63. Dracula Untold (2014) - Okay honestly I just threw this on at random for something to watch while I organized my books into my new IKEA media stand, expecting it to be one of those nigh-unwatchable (to me) desaturated cyan fantasy/monster movies with endless meaningless exposition and monologues interrupted by boring and also endless sword fights...and it kinda was, except much better than most! I felt like it was a fun take on an overdone story and surprisingly character-driven. I won't say it's a great movie, but I didn't mind it.

December:

64. Rosaline (2022) - I loved it! I personally am a huge fan of the period-piece-but-not-really trend that's popular right now, where something takes place in the past and uses it as set dressing, but uses modern language and pop songs, etc. This movie was also even funnier than I expected—although I can't quite account for why some characters are American and some are British? Even from the same family? Did they just cast whoever and not care? Because that's actually great.

65. The Broken Hearts Gallery (2020) - I adore this movie. It's such a sweet concept, and the dialogue and chemistry between all the mains is so hilarious. Specifically the dynamic between the love interests, which I find incredibly endearing.

66. Penelope (2006) - One of my all-time favorites!!! I can't even count how many times I've seen this movie it makes me so happy. The choice to make it essentially a real-world story (minus the magic curse) but with a production design that is ever-so-slightly fantasy is so much fun. Also, I don't know if Peter Dinklage has any particular pride in or fondness for this role, but I hope he does because it's fucking note-perfect. His every expression and line delivery is hysterical.

67. Lady Chatterley's Lover (2022) - Eh. It was okay. I feel like this movie thought it was much sexier and more dramatic than it was. It also set up some wider stuff about the world of the movie that it never really followed up on. What happened to the miners and the town? With Bertha? Did anyone actually get divorced? Connie and Oliver had a whole Thing with realizing how much their dynamic would change if they were a regular/real couple outside of the lives they currently knew, but did they do anything to resolve it? We just don't know.

68. Mr. Right (2015) - This is one of my most-watched movies of all time it is goofy hi-jinx and endearing romance incarnate! Featuring two of my all-time favorite movie leads!

69. Ever After (1998) - 💜😍💚😍💚 a forever fave always. (also can you tell I'm getting bored of trying to track and review every single movie? Not sure I'm going to do this list again next year).

70. Knives Out (2019) - Never gets old! I rewatched in preparation for watching the new movie and I’m curious to see how they compare bc I love this one.

71. Glass Onion (2022) - I loved it! And Janelle Monae is a dang revelation in this movie. However (spoilers) I think whodunits are more fun when there’s a clear Murder to Solve- like in the first one. This one had maybe a few too many mysteries happening at once and starting late into the movie. I still loved it though.

[killianmesmalls]

There are so many issues to unpack in 14x17 (“Game Night”) and the subsequent episodes’ handling of Jack’s situation leading up to 14x20 (“Moriah”). I know it’s been said a few times, but there are hints that Jack’s soul isn’t completely gone at this point based on his emotional reactions versus how we have seen other soulless characters behave in similar situations. This could be due to his unique circumstances as a nephilim, but regardless we see that he does still process some level of emotions (guilt, sadness, fear, etc.) versus what we’ve seen displayed by, say, soulless Sam or demon Dean.

A lot of debate over how accountable he may or may not be is centered on his age compared to his maturity level. This is understandable considering he has the capacity to learn complex skills and concepts at an alarmingly fast rate while also very much being new to the world.

What makes me insane about what happens to Mary is if it were literally anyone else the brothers would not have reacted the way they did. Would they have been upset? Sure. No more upset than they were when he accidentally hurt the security guard in 13x06. As Dean himself said in 13x06, they all have blood on their hands and they’re all monsters if held to the standards Jack is attempting to hold himself to. Not only that, but he rushed in moments earlier to save Sam’s life which is conveniently forgotten.

The problem is, this is Mary. This is the perfect mother figure that Dean (and even Sam) can’t quite remove from a pedestal considering their whole lives revolved around getting revenge from the last being that killed her before discovering the larger web of “fate” they were tangled in and forced to suffer through.

Dean and a lot of anti-Jack fans often forget all of the events that led up to this point, all that his parental figures have done in their own pasts, and Jack’s true age in spite of his appearance and complex skills. There are a lot of people who put Jack in one of two spaces: he’s a baby/toddler or he’s a teenager/young adult.

The thing is? He’s both.

It is canon that he learned how to drive before he learned how to blow a bubble out of bubblegum. He likely learned how to fight a war before he learned how to tie his shoes. He was hacking traffic cameras before he received a talking teddy bear. Jack is experiencing life out of order and on fast forward, and has repeatedly shown that his lack of overall experience may not make him necessarily a “child” but it does give him a certain level of naivety and lack of ability to properly handle certain stressful situations.

Not only that, but let’s remember that the last time Jack disappointed a parent and lost a part of himself, he was beaten to hell and almost sacrificed himself in order to save another parent. It is even in the 14x17 script that, when Jack asks Mary, “Are you going to tell them?” he’s scared. Truly scared. Now, this can be anything between the very understandable “child is scared about his dad(s) being told he misbehaved and getting into trouble” and the recent memory of “the last time something like this happened was very traumatic and I haven’t been given the time or space to process this fully.”

More to it, the people who say Jack “murdered” Mary forget that it was not only an accident, but this two-year-old being flew around the planet in an attempt to right a wrong born out of a moment of emotional turmoil. When in this show have we seen anyone else give this much effort to fix an error? And, throughout his struggles to fix his mistake, we see him rocking back and forth, praying to his mother, and trying to ignore the demons in his head. This young soul had a lot of his autonomy stripped from him, repeatedly tried to prove to be useful in order to receive acceptance and love, and was rewarded with his worst fears being confirmed the moment he accidentally caused harm.

I’m not saying Jack wasn’t dangerous. Anyone with all of two years’ worth of life experience complete with intense powers is dangerous. How many toddlers in this world would have nuked their parents in a grocery store after being told they couldn’t get the cereal they wanted? He doesn’t have the life experience at this point to regulate his feelings with appropriate reactions. What I am saying is that he was treated unfairly and never received the understanding often afforded to the brothers who are both more experienced and, arguably, have caused more damage throughout their lives.

Perhaps, if it were anyone other than Mary, this would be different.

[phantomphangphucker]

Phic Phight: If Only You Had Compassion

Prompt Creator: @summerssixecho

The bad blood between humans and ghosts was going to come to a head eventually, and when it did everyone was going to get hurt.

Danny sighs, runs a hand through his hair, and leans back against the wall; staring at the news disbelievingly.

They had lost.

Lost the entire goddamn case. Because the American government had officially decided: Ghosts were not sentient. Ghosts were not beings. Ghosts did not have rights. And ghosts were a threat to the country. Meaning any and all instances of ghosts and anything -excluding weapons or other items used to combat, control, or harm ghosts- were illegal to exist, possess, or help.

Danny, they, had gone about this the human way. Had been respectful. And nice. And friendly. And it didn’t fucking work. They extended a hand and got fucking bit.

And of course, anyone who had been fighting for ghosts and their rights and safety were the first ones to come under fire and scrutiny. And with nearly all of Amity Park being on that list, it was no surprise the G.I.W. were coming here and banging on doors at record speed.

What’s worse? Danny had been the loudest voice. Of course he had. He had to be. He was fighting for his own goddamn rights after all; not that the government or his family knew that. But it wasn’t just that. No.

Danny Phantom was King. THE High King. This was something he had to deal with, had to handle. And well... the cards hadn’t landed in his favour. In their favour.

But that wasn’t the end of it, because on top of it, his parents couldn’t understand what he was doing, to the point that Danny had to just get out of that house.

Technically he was homeless now, but well, being a ghost rather negated that. He had a whole dimension if need be and could get by just goddamn fine on the streets.

In the end, Danny had lost pretty well all his respect and love for his parents. They had become the enemy too and he just couldn’t afford room to old sentimentality and dwelling on ‘what could have been’ if they had been better people and parents.

At least Danny had listened to his gut and firmly ordered all the ghosts back into the Infinite Realm. He didn’t have to worry about any full ghosts getting captured, tortured, dissected, and destroyed.

Elle was safely with the residents of the Far Frozen too, so no worries there.

And Vlad... Vlad could look after himself. Last he heard the man fully intended to blow up his entire mansion and lab should the case fall through, purely to stop the G.I.W. from getting their hands on anything. Money only went so far in protecting yourself and your assets after all. Danny didn’t doubt the man’s willingness to do it either.

So that just left Danny. The one who was really the most at risk. He was damn near the face of the case, of the campaign. He was a minor still, limiting his rights even further. His ‘parents’ were hunters, hunters that idolised the G.I.W. and worked with them gladly and eagerly.

And he was a true halfa. Exactly half and half. He couldn’t even hide himself from the Fenton’s janky scanners, hiding wasn’t an option.

But then again, hiding had never even been an option for him. Hiding wasn’t Phantom’s thing, wasn’t the Kings thing. For now though? He lays low. He watches. And he waits. Waits for the Observants to finally back him proper. For FrightKnight to rally and ready. And finally for ClockWork to give him that melancholic face that says there is no other option.

Because Danny played this like a human. Because Danny gave humanity a chance. Because Danny wanted to have faith in people. Because Danny had hoped his goddamn half-beating heart out.

Because Danny was scared. Because he was still a kid. Because he shouldn’t have to pick one or the other. Because he doesn’t want anyone to get hurt.

Well now there wasn’t much of a choice. He picked ghosts the day he took that crown. The day he agreed to apprentice under ClockWork instead of the Fenton’s. The day Danny Fenton became just a fabricated mask for Danny Phantom to hide behind.

And now everyone was going to have to play their part. Fulfil their role. Dance out repeating history on the world’s stage. Everyone was going to have to pay a price.

Because when you take away someone’s rights in your own eyes, then they take away yours in theirs.

Because when the government decides someone doesn’t get to exist, and then every other government falls in line because the military powerhouse that is America has decided, then that someone is going to thrash and bite and scream to get to exist.

That’s how its always been.

Survival of the fittest.

And humans? Humans weren’t the fittest by miles.

Because humanity had been given coexistence on a paper. Had been given peace on a paper. And had drawn weapons and scalpels and hate instead.

And for that, this means war.

And not just a skirmish or dispute. No. An all-out bloody war. A massive war. A war beyond anyone’s wildest imaginations or worst dreams.

Because what humanity didn’t know is there were laws that existed. Laws that already governed dead and mortal interaction and travel between the realms. The Oaths and Seals. Older than most of the Ancients and predating nearly all mortal life in the universe.

And one of those Seals states simply that any being of death or life could traverse between Realms freely without harm, threat, or unwilling containment from ruling bodies or any species as a whole.

To say ghosts couldn't exist here. It was such a direct blatant violation. There was no way around that. There really wasn’t. If it wasn’t acted on then it could be overlooked as someone making stupid laws and ignored. But that just wasn’t the case. Wouldn’t be. In that sense it was both blessing and curse that Amity would be targeted first. He had a chance to stop them. To hedge them at the gates.

To cut the Gordian knot.

To meet them at the doors to his lair and tell them what awaited them should they choose to pass. Should they choose to continue a damned and forsaken path.

It would mean revealing himself. Would mean ending the lies and double life. It would mean definitively and finally choosing a side. Choosing ghosts. But it was what had to be.

And if they choose to cross him?

Then it’s game over.

Because Amity was Phantom’s lair. The High Ghost Kings land. His people. His subjects. His. It would be treason. Would be a crime against the High Crown. Against not only the Seals but the Kings Decrees and the Law Of Ages as well. There would be no going back.

The punishment was death. Was absolute subjugation. Was the end of humanity's reign upon the earth.

Because in the eyes of the universe, humanity would have forfeited the right to stand as equals to the dead. They would become lesser and treated as such. Any human who refused to kneel and bow to the Infinite Realm, to him, would be summarily cut down and disposed of.

He didn’t want this. He truly didn’t.

But it wasn’t his choice to make.

It was humanities. The G.I.W.’s.

Danny had very little faith.

But at least he could try. He was a determined bastard to a fault. Even when he should probably give up. When it was probably a lost cause.

This was hopeless now. He knew it. But he had to try and when that failed... then he’ll fight. He’ll fight with a frown and tears screaming down his face. But he’ll damn well fight.

Because that’s who he is. What he is. Because if he doesn’t do this for the ghosts then he’ll do it for the humans he protects.

For Sam and Tucker, both nearly halfas themselves due to UnderGrowth and a past life lived.

For Star, Paulina, Dale, Brittney, Kwan, Ashley, Emilie, Todd, James, Dash, Mikey, Nathan, Rosalia, Jasper, and Carrie, so horribly contaminated by Spectra’s and Bertrand’s experiments.

For Jazz, who’s opinions and field of study made her a ‘threat to humanity’ all the same.

For Valerie, who’s nanobot suit ran on ectoplasm that she could never be separated from without her death.

For Lancer, and Trent, and Remi, and Testlauf, and Ishiyama, who all just knew too much.

For every citizen of his home, his lair. Because the G.I.W. would wipe them all out.

Because he was King.

It does not matter how a king cries nor mourns nor wishes things could be different. Because a king sees his people free before he grasps his own. Because a king knows his people safe before he dares relax. Because a king does not belong to himself but to the people he rules. Because they are the kings children dear and he must see them well. Because it is his duty to do what they can not and pay every price. Because a king can never fall unjustly. Because he is their hopes and dreams.

And though he cries and begs and weeps, his blade hand must stay steady and his sword must strike swift without mercy. Even if he wants to run, every friend and family dear he must be willing to sacrifice if the need arises. Even if that leaves him alone and in pain.

Because that is the cost of the crown.

And now Danny has to pay his dues.

Has to see himself a conqueror to the human world he once protected with everything in him.

He doesn’t want this but this is what the world has given him and he must walk with it.

Into a future that may be filled with hurt and pain. That’ll make him hate every breath he takes or the things he’s seen. Or maybe something beautiful will grow from the ashes. One can only hope.

He sighs and stands. What must be, must be. Running a messy hand through his hair and shaking a spray can. He may as well tag the place where he found things changed before he goes.

Goes to wait on the road.

Wait for the men in white suits to make their arrival.

Wait for the end result of the pain the mortal government chose to wrought.

Wait for Danny Fenton’s ending.

The spray cans psssshh is oddly loud. It hurts his ears.

The FrightKnight meets him outside the alleyway. He nods and Danny nods back. It is done. His army awaits him.

He wishes it didn’t.

He knows the humans have armies of their own. Awaiting retaliation or strike back perhaps. But those armies won’t see war. They won’t do battle or struggle to win. This won’t be two forces meeting to oppose each other. No. It will be more akin to an exterminator coming in with his toxic fumes and spraying down annihilation.

The Dread Army stood four billion strong.

That wasn’t a force humanity could face.

And the Dread were truly non-sentient. Casualties on their side was not of issue or concern. And should humanity somehow persevere and fight back. Then there would be so many more ghostly armies ready and waiting for his regretful and pain-filled command.

He senses the pulse from the Observants, sent out through the Infinite Realm’s ectoplasm and across the threshold of life and death.

They approve. And inside, he weeps.

He traces his fingers on the bricks, walls, and trash cans. Everyone is tucked inside. They know what’s coming as much as he does, just not what comes after. They see this as their end. Danny does too, but for different reasons.

He knows Sam, Tucker, Valerie, and Jazz are all hovering over the extractions waiting for his signal. Waiting to pull his lair into the Infinite Realm. Waiting to save them and leave him behind.

Amity will always be home. But it just won’t be the same. Not for him. He won’t be able to just be another citizen in their eyes or to them anymore. And his friends, they’ll have to look at him knowing that he’s was ultimately directly responsible for the demise of at least thirty percent of humanity.

And he’ll have to get used to that being reflected back at him in the mirror. And refusing to look at all was a weakness he couldn’t allow himself to have.

Stopping at the fountain, its waters reflecting gears and cogs and swaying necks of clocks. As it always had since everything began. As if the water was counting down to the end itself. Only Danny knew that was more fact than fiction.

Water flows like time after all. And no matter what it must continue on. For the sake of life. For the sake of growth. For the sake of time itself continuing on. For the sake of everything.

Danny sits on the edge and it is not his own reflection that greets him, a small mercy, but ClockWork’s.

They look old and tired and worn. Aged by the faults of humanity's actions and inactions. Aged by the weathering storm that is change and its cruelties. But above all else, aged by what they know must be and what they must ask of him.

All is as it should be.

And isn’t that an awful thing.

Danny can only look to the sky tinted faintly green and nod, carrying on his way. Changing everything with every step he takes. Aching more with each breath he takes. And becoming more king than hero with every inch the city limit grows closer.

A hero can fall and rise a king.

But is still a fall all the same.

Because a king does not do what is right. He does not do what is good. What is just. What is kind. He does what he must. Decides what is best.

Humanity decided what was best and lost the bet. They gambled against death.

But death...

Death always wins in the end.

It’s the house we all must rest on. It is the debt collector at the end of every tax season. It is our last breath or a snap of the neck at the end of the noose of our own creation. It is the bullet in the gun that we forged ourselves. It is the black screen left after the credits roll, only ghosts going home.

It was always going to be this way.

What will his ‘parents’ do. Will they die. Will they live. Will they force their way back to the mortal world and seek to strike him down. Will the town or ghosts see them hanged as an example. Will they accept reality and learn. He doesn’t know. In a way he doesn’t want to.

Regardless the town’s edge approaches and he finds himself standing on the precipice of everything he has ever known, everyone he has ever loved, every place that has ever housed him.

And now he steps forward to leave it behind. Says goodbye with resounding footsteps. Mourns the loss as the G.I.W.’s armoured vehicles and containment trucks drive toward him.

Toward death.

He wished they’d stop. Turn back. Change their minds. But knows they won’t.

Ignorance would be bliss.

The most decorated vehicle stops barely feet from him. The officer inside hoping out with a smirk that Danny hates down to the bottom of his guts.

“Well how nice for the worst of them to come greet us. What. Here to turn yourself in for your disgusting crimes against humanity“.

Danny honestly doesn’t care about their words. Not how they’re said nor what is said nor who says them.

It’s meaningless.

Danny shakes his head disappointedly, “I tried. I really tried. So sorry about this. But you leave me no choice”.

The man squints at him. Not that it matters.

Danny looks up at the sky, if he didn’t know better he’d say the clouds were swirling all centred around him and waiting for him to do as he must. As the crown commands. Sighing, “I don’t know why humans must make things so hard for themselves”, and lets his human form melt away without any flashy light show. Green energy pulsing out of his feet and shooting skyward like flaming arrows lighting up the funerary ship seeing a fallen warrior off.

The reaction is immediate. They open fire on him, pausing only when every single high anti-ecto round merely bounces of his green shield; the town behind him shimmering green before vanishing like wet oil wiped off canvas.

Danny shakes his head, “that isn’t how this is going to be. Sorry”, and takes one single step forward. Voice bellowing and sturdy though he feels like shaking apart into sand, “the American government, on behalf of the entirety of the human race, has designated that the ghost species is no longer allowed amongst them or on earth. As such, they, alongside the rest of humanity, have broken the True Kept Equivalent Co-Existence Fault Line Seal of the Exterial law of the Realms. Your options are as follows: revoke your illegal actions and halt your approach or continue on as you are knowing that your actions are an act of war and punishable by the immediate annihilation of thirty percent of humanity followed by the forced subjugation of your entire species. Furthermore, any actions of violence or harm taken against Amity Park, her citizens, or Daniel James Janus Fenton Phantom, will count as an act of treason and war against the High Ghost Sovereign, king of the entirety of the Infinite Realm; and is punishable by immediate death and I do mean your death”.

He stands there and stares. Waits for a response. The men take their time, but eventually...

One of them fires.

“There’s your ‘answer’, you lying ectoplasmic scum”.

Danny bats away the weapon, not even bothering with a shield. They would need nukes if they wanted to so much as scratch him.

He had all the Infinite Realm’s ectoplasm at his fingertips after all. And it sings to be used. To defend its lands and king. To strike down those who must be, for the prosperity and safety of its people.

And Danny gives it that.

He must after all. It is his place.

With merely a flick of his fingers the Dread Army make their debut. Some are here, some are elsewhere. But where ever they may be they bring down destruction and chaos and punishment.

You may think Danny wrong for placing all this on one man’s response, but in truth he, as Phantom, had informed every government of this reality already.

The decision was already made. The choice already set in stone.

He just thought that maybe...

Maybe.

These men before him would have some heart. Some soul. Some sense. Some compassion.

And choose to say no. And refuse to follow orders.

He would rather team up with humanity to stage a coup d’état against their respective governments than what has to transpire now.

The FrightKnight appears and gores the man who dared to fire at Phantom knowing the consequences of doing so. Danny forces himself to watch the man fall, knowing his orders and words and actions were as much the sword that killed him as the one his High Dread Knight wields.

The FrightKnight turns back to him and he knows there is sorrow in his helmeted eyes, for he knows his Knight knows he is not a hardened man nor a man at all.

Just a child with too much weight. Too much hope. Too much asked of him. Too much power at his fingertips. And too much of both life and death.

“Go”.

Danny does as he’s told, as he’s asked. Thankful to have even an ounce of personal responsibility lifted off his shoulders.

Humanity was never going down a good path. Never doing the right thing.

Damning the water they drank with oil and plastics.

Damning the air they breathed with tar and fumes.

Damning the earth that fed them with pavement and poisons.

Damning their fellow neighbouring mortal species with overhunting and stolen lands.

It was only a matter of time before they damned themselves with their ego and actions.

Nothing can survive if it burns every bridge around it.

Especially if the bridge it sets its sights on to burn is the bridge with death.

For only nothing lies where death can not be.

End.

Prompt: After a fierce legal battle to end experimentation on ectoplasmic entities, it's determined that, no, ghosts can't have any rights in the human world and possessing ghostly artifacts, materials, or organisms is illegal. With the GIW enforcing the new laws, starting with Amity Park, how will Danny avoid scrutiny?

[let-me-luve-you]

I’m Proud of You

Tom Holland x Sister

Summary: The reader is in the military and encourages Tom to take the role of Cherry. Now that the movie is coming out, everyone expresses how proud they are.

Warnings: Not too descriptive but mentions of ptsd and addiction, angst, supportive friends and family, talks of the movie Cherry, talks of military

A/N: Hey guys, this is so late and I’m sorry. Just been going through it a little bit but I’m okay. Thank you to those that reached out. I hope you enjoy this.

MASTERLIST       BUY ME A COFFEE     REDBUBBLE

When Tom was pulled aside by the Russo Brothers when he was filming End Game and was given the plot line of the movie Cherry, Tom immediately thought of you. You were his baby sister that served in the military. Tom was hesitant to take the role of an army medic that has PTSD and struggles with addiction. This character would hit home in a way.

You had been home leading to Tom leaving for Atlanta to film the final Avengers movie, but you left shortly after he did to go back on deployment. Tom was never fully calm when he knew you weren’t home. He constantly worried.

When the Russo’s came to him, they knew he would have to consider everything from career to personal. They knew you served your country. What they didn’t know was that you were already suffering from PTSD. Tom knew, which is why it took him all of filming to give them an answer.

One morning when Tom was talking to you, he mentioned the role and how he didn’t know if he should take it. It discussed heavy issues. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to bring it justice. You encouraged him to take the role. You told him you knew he could do the role. That he was an amazing actor. You included that doing this movie could help start a conversation about mental health and addiction within soldiers and veterans.

Tom remembered the conversation like it was yesterday. Now the trailer is being released and he is starting the virtual press tour. You had just come home right before Christmas. Your Christmas present to your family was telling them you were retiring from the military. Tom was ecstatic at the news. He hated worrying about you when you were gone. He was constantly thinking that the next phone call he got was going to be his parents telling him you weren’t coming home.

A month later, you were currently staying with Tom until you found your own place. When Tom was sent the trailer to Cherry for him to post on his own social media the next day, he brought his computer to your room. He knocked on the door and opened it when he heard a quiet “come in.”

“Hey Y/N?” You looked up from your iPad when he spoke.

“Yeah?” You asked, confused.

“I have the trailer for Cherry. They just sent it over. Want to watch?” He asked hopefully. You could see the slight fear in his eyes, but you didn’t understand why.

“Sure.” You smiled at him and set your iPad on your night stand. Tom smiled back at you and sat down on the other side of the bed. He quickly made it full screen and hit play. He had already watched it so Tom watched you through the corner of his eye. He noticed that when it showed the war scenes, you tensed.

When the trailer was over, Tom slowly exited out and shut his computer screen. “What did you think? They are going to send over the movie this weekend. Figured me and you could make a movie night out of it with the whole family.”

“I liked it. You look like you did a good job so far. I can’t wait to watch it.” You smiled at him. Tom immediately knew you were putting on your fake smile.

“Everything okay?” He asked, concerned.

“Yeah. I just…” You sighed and looked away from Tom. “Just still adjusting to everything. You know that I’m going to therapy, right?”

Tom shook his head, “No, I just thought you were going to mum’s and dad’s.”

“No. I’ve been going to therapy. I’m at three days a week right now. The nightmares are just too much to handle. Then I hear sounds during the day and it just flashes me back to there.”

“I’m sorry y/n/n. You know you can talk to me. I want you to know you can talk to me. No matter what time. I talked with veterans, I don’t know what you went through, but I know it wasn’t good. After playing this character, I don’t want to see that happen to you. Did they prescribe medicine?” He asked.

You shook your head.

“Okay. If they feel you need to, please let me know. I really, really don’t want you to go through addiction. I don’t even want to risk it for you to even get close to addiction.” He said seriously. You knew he was. You didn’t want the medicine anyways.

“I can’t wait to see the movie.” You said with a smile. “But can I ask if we can start it early? I already know, I’ll probably need to pause it and take a minute when it gets to those scenes.” You said. You didn’t even need to specify which ones. Tom knew already that watching the military scenes were going to be hard for you.

“Yeah. We can. And if you want it to be just us, that’s perfectly okay. I can watch it with everyone else the next night.” He said giving you options.

You shook your head to turn down the new option, “that’s okay. I can watch it with them. Just let them know I will need to pause it.” Tom smiled at you and nodded before kissing your head and getting off your bed. Tom left to go show everyone else the trailer. 

After he posted the trailer to his Instagram a few days later, positive comments started flooding his Instagram and Twitter. You scrolled through the comments from Harry, Haz, the Russo Brothers, and more people Tom knew and worked with and like all of them. You were so happy to see them support Tom. He had the right people in his corner.Next you saw a post from Tuwaine. First you scrolled through the photos. They were of Tom as Cherry throughout the different times in the characters life.

It’s funny, cos when I see bae do a role like this, I’m reminded again and again of how talented he truly is. I don’t think the world can look at you the same way once this is out.

He added that the trailer link was in his bio and you smiled. Not many people would do that, but Tuwaine has been one of Tom’s day 1s. You loved Tuwaine like a brother. You couldn’t ask for a better best friend for your brother.

You knew Tuwaine’s words were 100% correct. People saw Tom as a kid. They saw him like he is this sweet, innocent teenager like Peter Parker. He didn’t hate that, but he also hated being seen as a kid. Don’t get him wrong, he loves Spider-Man and he would love to play that character for the rest of his life, but he’s 24. He wanted to be taken seriously and no one takes a kid seriously.

You remember getting the selfie Tom sent to your phone when he was filming. You didn’t get it until you returned home, but he loved to text your phone when things happened so you could stay up to date with him. The selfie Tom sent you was when he was in Morocco. He was in all of his military gear. The text under it was,

I put this suit on and I feel like I’m an imposter. I feel like I don’t deserve to wear this. I’m just an actor, you are the real hero in this world. But when I feel like this, I remember what you told me. “If anyone can play this role, it’s you Tom. You have a connection to the military. You see what it can do to the family and friends around the soldier. You know what it has done to me. If anyone can bring this character to the screen and help start a conversation about PTSD and addiction, it’s you. I don’t know another actor that would take it seriously and give it 110%.” I hope this movie does start that conversation. I hope people see this character and realize the severity of it. Thank you for pushing me to do this role. I love you. I can’t wait to see you again. Stay safe y/n/n. I love you.

You decided to post the picture he sent you plus a screenshot of the text. You wanted them to see Tom as Tom. You were so incredibly proud of him and you wanted the world to see that.

Tom, I honestly don’t know what words to say right now, you know I’m not good at them, but I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you for going outside your comfort zone. You went into this movie to show people you can be more than the nerdy high school kid and to start a conversation. I read all the text you sent me when filming this. I know the hardships you went through. I cannot wait to watch Cherry with you to see all the hard work pay off. I already know you were absolutely amazing in it. I love you and I’m proud of you!

When Tom got the notification that he was tagged in a post by you, he smiled. He smiled even bigger seeing the photos you used and as he read the caption. He was the luckiest brother in the world to have a sister like you. He quickly comment thank you and love you with a kiss and heart emojis.

“Tom?” You asked as you walked into his room to see him lying on the bed.

“Yeah?” He questioned.

“I really am proud of you. Let’s go out for lunch. My treat.” You smiled. Tom got out of bed and walked to you.

“Thank you for pushing me to do this role. I’m really glad I did it.” He said and gave you a kiss on the head. “Now go get dressed, I’m paying.” He said with an arrogant tone and walked towards his bathroom. You left to get dressed while laughing. Knowing it was going to be a fight to see who actually paid for lunch.

[ladyfogg]

Heal My Wounds - Part 1

Heal My Wounds - Part 1 of 3

Fic Summary:  After you meet the infamous Kit Walker, you realize that he cannot possibly be guilty of everything they say he is. Determined to treat him with kindness and compassion, you end up falling hard for the handsome man with gorgeous dark eyes. But you both are playing a dangerous game and you must decide just how far you’re willing to go to save the man you love. Part 2. AHS Masterlist. 

Fic Rating: 18+

Fic Song: War by Poets of the Fall

Pairing: Kit Walker/Female Reader

Warnings: Language, Smut, Slow Burn, tw: mental illness, tw: asylum setting, tw: violence

A/N: I ended up finishing this a lot quicker than I thought I was going to. Enjoy! For @tatestripedsweater​ and @kitwalker02​. 

You’ve seen many things during your time at Briarcliff. Being a nurse, you deal with truly awful alignments, either self-inflicted or acquired under “mysterious” circumstances. This usually means that a guard roughed the patient up or Dr. Arden can’t be bothered to treat them himself. You learn to expect the worst, not in the patient but in what they are afflicted with. In truth, your heart goes out to every one of them. Regardless of what sent them to Briarcliff, it is always your mission to treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve. 

Which is why, when you hear that the infamous Bloody Face, aka Kit Walker, has been transferred to the asylum, you try not to be concerned. You knew all about Bloody Face and what he’s done and when they arrested Kit, you aren’t ashamed to admit that your first thought was, “Good riddance!” However, you force yourself to change your tune once you learn you’ll be treating him at some point. Plenty of dangerous people had come and gone through Briarcliff’s doors. You aren’t going to treat him any differently than you would the other patients.

No matter how dangerous he is. 

It isn’t long before you find yourself face-to-face with him. He is there less than a day before he’s brought in to see you, his lip and his nose a bloody mess, the red a stark contrast to his pale skin. His appearance surprises you even though it shouldn’t. You read the papers; you’ve seen his face. Yet, in person, he’s so handsome it takes your breath away and you need a moment to compose yourself.

“What happened?” you ask Kit as the guard forces him to sit on the bed. He is bound with cuffs and chains, an overkill if you ever saw one. 

“He got into a scrape with another inmate,” the guard says in a gruff voice. “Bloody Face here got the worst of it.”

“They’re called patients, not inmates,” you correct him with a glare. “And I wasn’t asking you, I was asking Mr. Walker. That is his name, that's what he will be called while he’s under my care.”

The guard, whose name you think is Hardy, looks taken aback by your words. He is a new one who hasn’t had to deal with you yet. While many of the female staff are nuns, you are not. You are there purely for medical purposes, not religious ones. Therefore, you have no reason to force politeness to the guards. After all, why should you? They never show you any. The sooner Hardy learns you will not tolerate his bullshit, the better. 

You have been talked to by Sister Jude several times regarding your attitude but since you are appointed by the state, there is nothing more she can do. Eventually, the both of you came to a mutual understanding. In fact, you suspect she admires your non-nonsense attitude as it most often gets results. If there is a patient in your infirmary, you can call the shots. Of course, the male guards don’t like that, but they can get fucked. 

When you turn back at Kit, he has a surprised look on his face. 

“Are you hurt anywhere else?” you ask. 

“Just my face,” he answers. “And my hands.”

You glance down and see his bruises and bloody knuckles. Clearly, he defended himself but given the fact that the other patient hasn’t been brought it, you assume Kit got the worst of it. You go about collecting what you need to disinfect his wounds. 

To Hardy, you say, “Remove his chains.”

“No can do. Not for this one.”

“His knuckles are bleeding, and I need to examine his hands to make sure nothing is broken or fractured. Remove his chains.”

There is an intense stare-off between you and the guard before he relents and unbinds Kit. Once his restraints are gone, you wave Hardy off. “You may step outside.”

“Now hold on a minute! This man—”

“Has rights. He deserves the same privacy as every other patient. Besides, I won’t have you getting in my way while I patch him up. You can step outside and wait. I’m more than capable of handling myself.”

Hardy snorts, annoyed and done with arguing. “Fine by me. Don’t complain if you get killed.”

“I won’t, considering if that happens, I won’t be able to. Or are you not aware how death works?”

With a sneer, he stalks away, and you heard him mutter, “Stupid bitch.” under his breath.

“Smart bitch actually,” you call after him. “And shut the door on your way out, please.” It slams behind him and you return your attention to your patient. 

Kit looks at you with awe. “Forgive me for saying so, doc. But you’re one tough broad.”

You laugh, pulling a chair over so you can sit in front of Kit. “I’m not a doctor, I’m a nurse. And you have to be though, especially in this place. The gentle don’t last long. Now, let’s take a look at those hands.”

Kit extends his hands, and you take them in your own, examining his wounded knuckles. After moving each finger and his wrists, you determine there was nothing broken or fractured so you set about cleaning the scrapes. Kit watches you the entire time. Even though you don’t look up from your work, you can feel his eyes on you. 

“I think you’re the only person in this place who’s not afraid of me,” he says after a stretch of silence. “This is the first time I’ve been treated like a person since this whole thing started.”

“Should I be afraid of you, Mr. Walker?” you glance up and are immediately taken in by the soft expression on his face. 

“Call me Kit,” he says. “And I never hurt anybody. All the things they say I did are lies. I have no idea what happened to those girls and I have no idea what happened to Alma other than they took her.”

You consider his words for a moment and pull away, letting his hands fall to his lap. The bloody towel you hold is tossed onto your tray of supplies before you sit back and cross your arms. “Alright then, Kit. Tell me why I should believe you.”

Kit doesn’t seem to know what to say at first. You’ve dealt with numerous patients who swear up and down they didn’t do what they were accused of. Most of them had. Because of that, you are pretty damn good at reading people because even the best liar has a tell. An eye twitch, a knee bounce, a lip bite…anything. You trained yourself to look for these things because, in your line of work, it means the difference between life or death. 

The man in front of you doesn’t look like he’s hiding anything. More to the point, you don’t feel scared of him. You aren’t made of stone; you feel fear just like everyone else. You are simply better at masking it. However, that violent vibe you’ve learned to sense doesn’t radiate from Kit and as you look into his deep brown eyes, all you see is fear, frustration, anger, and sadness. They all pass one after another on a loop. 

“I don’t have a reason,” Kit finally says after a long pause. “If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t believe me either. But you showed me kindness no one else has and I’m grateful. Really.”

“I think this place wouldn’t be half as bad as those colleagues of mine showed a little kindness too.” You go back to work, cleaning his hands. “This is going to sting a bit.”

Kit flinches as you pour alcohol over his cuts. Carefully, you clean them some more before you are sure they won’t get infected. Once that’s done, you wrap them in bandages. 

“There, good as new. Just try to keep those bandages dry for a bit. You can take them off tomorrow to let the cuts breathe. Let me make sure your nose isn't broken.”

Kit remain still as you gently cup his face, turning his head left to right in order to take stock of his injuries. Being so close, you realize how handsome he truly is. That jawline is to die for, and his dark curls looks so soft, you want to run your fingers through them. Once that thought entered your brain, you scold yourself. He is your patient and is in the asylum to see if he is fit to stand trial for murder. Thinking about him in any way other than professional is a dangerous game. And very stupid.

“That bad huh?” Kit asks with a slight smirk. 

It isn’t a malicious one by any means. In fact, it’s almost hesitant. Like he is afraid to be so comfortable joking with you. You don’t blame him considering what he has gone through. You offer him a smile in return. 

“Just a split lip and it doesn’t look like your nose is broken. It’s not even swollen. There shouldn’t be any permanent damage.”

You grab a fresh towel and dip it in warm water before gingerly cleaning the blood from his face. But before you can get far, Kit reaches up to stop you. Instinctively you freeze, worried that you may have hurt him. Maybe his nose is worse off than you originally thought?

“Did I hurt you?” you ask.

Kit shakes his head. “No, I’m just…” He pauses as if he’s not sure what to say next. “I’m sorry but I just...why aren’t you scared of me?"

“You really want me to be, don’t you?”

“What? No! Of course not. I’m just…” He stops when he sees you holding back a smile. “You’re messing with me.”

You shrug and go back to your work. “A little,” you admit. “But to answer your question, I’m not scared of you because I believe you. I don’t think you killed or even hurt anyone. I just don’t sense that sort of evil in you. As for what you claim to have witnessed, that I don’t know about. But I do know crazy, Kit Walker. And you’re not it.”

It is like the remaining tension leaves his body and Kit slumps against you, a few tears running down his cheeks. Without thinking, you pull him into a tight hug, letting him rest his weary head on your shoulder. The warmth of him is invigorating and you savor the feeling. It’s been a long time since you’ve been touched in any way. Long work hours make your social life non-existent and you carefully keep your distance with your patients.

Except Kit, it seems. You don’t know why your well-constructed walls are crumbling under the weight of one interaction with one man.

“You have no idea how much I needed to hear that,” he says, his voice muffled by your uniform. “No one will listen. No one believes…”

“I’m listening. But first, sit back before you get blood all over me.”

With a weak laugh, Kit pulls away.  He wipes the tears with the back of his hand which you’re grateful for because you were about two seconds away from gently brushing them away. Pulling yourself together, you continue to clean his face while he tells you his story. It’s definitely strange. The idea of being abducted and probed was one you’d rather not think about.

But you don’t just listen to his words, you watch his expression, pay attention to the tone of his voice and his body language. Even though you’ve heard some of it through the papers, it’s different hearing it from him directly. Once he’s done, you’re even more certain he didn’t kill anyone. No one who talks about their missing wife that softly and heart felt could possibly be a vicious serial killer.

It’s his eyes that give him away. There’s so much emotion and depth, you can’t help but believe him. You wish you can explain it, but some things are beyond explanation.

“You sure I’m not crazy?” Kit asks when you don’t respond to him right away.

“After that story, you’re absolutely batshit.”

He chuckles when he realizes you aren’t serious. You pull your hand away, finally done getting rid of all the blood, but he stops you with a gentle touch to your wrist. “Thank you for listening. I could tell you weren’t judging when I spoke, and I appreciate it. I appreciate everything you’re doing for me.”

“It’s not my place to judge. Only heal.” You sit back, breaking all contact with him, hoping it’ll clear your spinning head.  “There. Now you’re just as handsome as you were before. Do me a favor and at least try not to get majorly hurt again for the rest of the day?”

“He started it.”

“Everyone always starts things here. And given your current situation, it’s best to keep your head down as much as possible.”

“What’s the point? They’ve already made up their minds about me being guilty,” Kit says bitterly as you roll your tray over to the sink. He sees a pack of cigarettes on your desk and nods towards them. “Mind if I have one?”

You wave for him to go ahead as you clean up. “I wish I had words of encouragement for you. I wish I could say it will all work out. But unless they catch the real Bloody Face, your choices are either here or the electric chair.”

Kit pops a cigarette in his mouth and lights the end. “I have to see the state-appointed shrink. My last hope is to convince some head doctor that I’m not crazy.”

Your heart goes out to him. His situation really is a double-edged sword. If he proves he isn’t crazy, then they are sure to send him to trial and his death. If he keeps spouting off about strangers abducting him and his wife, then they will keep him at Briarcliff. Either way, he loses. It isn’t fair. 

“Stick to your story,” you tell him. “If it’s really the truth and that’s really what you know happened, then stick to it. I mean, it’ll probably get you confined here for life. But at least you’ll be alive.”

“Yeah, but at what cost?”

You don’t get to respond. The door bursts open and Sister Jude strolls in with Hardy right behind her. You wonder how long he waited outside before running to tattle on you.

“Why is this patient not restrained?” she asks in that stern voice of hers. 

“I needed to clean his hands and couldn’t very well do that when they were bound,” you say. “He’s all set now.”

“In the future, I would appreciate it if you would leave the door open. No young woman should be alone with this one,” Sister Jude says, motioning to Kit. “Not until he’s been properly medicated.”

“He deserves just as much privacy as any of us do when being medically treated.”

“Not here. Not under my roof,” Sister Jude counters. “I like you, girl, but don’t push me on this. Kit Walker may have the looks of an angel but he’s far from it.”

“She didn’t do nothing wrong,” Kit says angrily.

Sister Jude motions for Hardy to grab Kit. Anger courses through your veins when you see how he is manhandled. “Hey, be careful! I don’t want to have to treat a dislocated shoulder,” you say.

Kit sends you a grateful smile which Sister Jude unfortunately notices. She steps up to him and in a low voice says, “Quit your leering! You don’t fool me, Kit Walker. You can keep spouting that innocent act all you’d like but I know there’s darkness in your soul.”

Kit’s body tenses and you see him clench his fists in anger. The nun yanks his cigarette out of his mouth and puts it out on your desk. 

What a bitch.

As he is led away, Kit dares to look back at you and you see the glimmer of another smile before he is gone. The empty room suddenly seems more so without him there. It’s strange how comfortable you feel around him, especially considering the circumstances. After cleaning up the remnants of his cigarette, you sit back at your desk. But focusing is not in the cards for you. The rest of the day, you find yourself constantly sidetracked by the handsome brown-haired man with the deep brown eyes. So much so that you get angry with yourself.

You are hardly ever swayed by just a pretty face. Then again, there’s more to Kit than that. Although, it certainly helps. The way he stood up for you even when he was in trouble spoke volumes about who he is a person. You don’t think there is a selfish bone in that man’s body.

The next day during meds, you don’t see him in the Day Room with the others. It suddenly occurs to you that after the fight the day before, he probably was thrown in solitary. You hate solitary being used for any of your patients but the thought of Kit in a small dark room, bound and alone makes your heart break in your chest. All you can do is hope he’ll be out of there soon. 

At least three days pass before you see him again, mostly because you spend most of that time in the infirmary rather than in the common areas. It’s early morning and you are enjoying a rare moment of silence when the door opens, and Kit is led in. He’s bleeding from a cut on his forehead, which has already begun to bruise and swell. 

“What happened?” you demand as you leap to your feet. 

The guard, a brute named Dixon who you can’t stand, forces Kit onto one of the beds. “He slipped and fell.”

You doubt it. Your eyes slide over to look at Kit, who gives you a subtle shake of his head. “Oh really?” you ask Dixon, narrowing your eyes in distrust. “This seems like a pretty big bump just to happen from a slip.”

“Just treat him so I can get him back with the others,” Dixon orders. 

“He hit his head. I’m going to have to keep him here for a few hours to make sure he doesn’t have a concussion.”

“Fine.” Dixon shoves Kit until he was laying on the bed. When he reaches for the restraints, Kit fights back. 

“No! Let me go!” Kit struggles against him.

“Those aren’t necessary,” you declare, crossing the room to try to stop Dixon. 

But the guard isn’t having any of it. The next thing you know, he pushes you away, hard enough that you trip over your feet and fall right on your ass.

“You son of a bitch!” Kit exclaims. He leaps up and punches Dixon square in the jaw.  

What happens next is a flurry of blows and swears as the men fight each other. Knowing this can only end poorly for Kit, you manage to get back up before prying the two apart. “Enough!” you snap. “No fighting in my infirmary!”

Dixon is practically snarling as he wipes blood from the corner of his mouth. “You don’t scare me, Bloody Face. If I had my way, you’d be in the furnace by now.”

Kit makes a move to go at him, but you stop him with a hand on his chest. “Mr. Walker, lay down so Dixon can bind you. If you don’t, I know the right injection that’ll make you so tired, you’ll wake up next week.”

Kit’s eyebrows knit together as he looks at you with concern. You throw him a subtle wink. Breathing heavily, he sits back on the bed and allows Dixon to restrain him. Even though it pains you to do so, you help to keep up appearances. But you don’t tighten them as much as you should. Kit’s jaw is clenched as he watches Dixon’s movements, as if he’s waiting for him to attack again.

Once Kit is secured, you reach into your pocket. Unbeknownst to the guards, you carry around a sharpened scalpel for your own protection and the second Dixon lets his guard down, you press it to his neck, making him halt his movements.

“Listen here, you sick fuck,” you growl. “If you ever lay a hand on me again, I’ll shove this so far into your neck you’ll have to take your meals through a tube. Are we clear?”

Dixon sneers and takes a step back. “Whatever you say, woman. Call us when this psycho is ready to go back to his cell. And I’d be careful who you threaten. You wouldn’t want to end up like one of your patients, now would you?”

His threats send a chill down your spine, but you keep your hand steady, the scalpel still pointed at him as he backs away. It’s not until he’s out the door that you cross the room so you can lock it behind him.

“Are you alright?” Kit asks the moment it’s clear the two of you are alone.

You cross the room, pocketing the sharp instrument as you go. “I’m fine, Kit. Don’t worry about me.” As quick as you can, you undo his bindings. “Sorry about this. I fucking hate using bindings, but it was the only way to get Dixon to leave. He’s got a nasty streak in him; I’d stay clear if I were you. Are you okay? What happened to your head?”

“That asshole smashed my face into the wall,” he says as he sits up, rubbing his wrists. “He caught me wandering out of the Day Room.”

“Now why would you go and do a stupid thing like that?” you ask, hands on your hips. “Didn’t I tell you to keep your head down?”

“I just needed some peace and quiet. On my own terms and not in a dark dirty cell. Besides, others wander. Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because the others aren’t wanted for murder. They mean to make an example out of you, Kit.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

You sigh and head to the icebox in the corner of the room. As you put together an icepack for him, you say, “These guards will look for any excuse to get rough. And they especially have it out for you. You have to be careful.”

“I hate this. I hate all of it. I feel like I’m going crazy. My head is so cloudy, and I can barely feel anything.”

“Those are the meds. Meant to keep you docile.” You carry the ice pack over to him along with supplies to fix up his head wound. “And suppress other impulses.”

“It’s inhumane, that’s what it is.” Kit barely makes a face as you clean the cut and dress it. “How am I supposed to defend myself if I don’t even feel like me? I think I’m slipping, doc.”

“I told you, I’m not a doctor.”

“Well, what should I call you then? You never gave me your name.”

You tell him your name and press the icepack to the bump on his head, “Here, hold this. Your nose is bleeding…again.”

Kit does as he’s told. After a moment, he says your name. It’s soft and beautiful coming from his lips and you can barely focus long enough to hear his question. “Can I confess something to you?”

“I’m no priest or nun.” You start to dab at his nose with a damp towel.

“It’s not that kind of confession. I wasn’t just wandering for the sake of wandering. I was trying to come see you.”

You pause, heart pounding in your chest as your eyes flickering up to meet his. “Why?”

“I feel safe here.”

You go back to your work. “I’m glad you do, but I don’t want you to get yourself hurt just to see me.”

“I didn’t know that asshole was gonna beat the shit out of me just for wandering.”

“Say you have cramps.”

Kit raises his eyebrow. “What?”

“If you want to see me…I mean, come to the infirmary, tell a guard or one of my assistants that you have cramps or a stomachache. It’s something most people don’t question since stomach stuff is really common, ‘specially around here. It usually comes with vomiting or diarrhea and no one wants to deal with that.”

Kit smiles. “Good to know.”

You finish cleaning him up and add, “But don’t overuse the excuse. Otherwise, if something is really bothering you, they won’t listen.”

“Understood. Do you really think I have a concussion?”

“No. Your eyes are clear and you’re not slurring your words. I figured it would at least give you a little reprieve from everything out there.”

Kit’s smile widens. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Although, I will have to at least keep your feet bound. That way if the guard comes back, I can quickly bind your hands before they enter. The lock will only temporarily slow them down since they have keys.”

“Hey, if it means spending time here with you instead of out there with everyone else who thinks I’m a vicious murderer, I’ll take it.”

Once you have him settled in the bed, you give him a cigarette before going about your daily routine. It is nice having Kit there. Occasionally, you talk as he smokes, but for the most part, the both of you enjoy each other’s company. He asks you about yourself, minor things, nothing too personal or probing, which you appreciate. You feel like he’s also trying to keep some distance between you, understanding your position and what a friendship with him could mean.

A few hours later, when you hear footsteps coming your way, you quickly bind Kit’s hands.

It takes a second for the door to be unlocked but then it opens and Dixon enters just as you’re pretending to check Kit’s bandages. “Walker here needs to see the shrink,” he says gruffly, crossing the room towards you.

“I was just about to call you.” Your lie is so effortless it even impresses you. “He doesn’t have a concussion. You can take him.”

Dixon is rough as he unbinds Kit and yanks him off the bed. To his credit, Kit doesn’t fight back or resist, understanding the stupid rules he needs to follow if he’s going to get anywhere in this place. Once he’s gone, you start to wrap up for the day, finishing any last minute tasks before getting ready to go home. As you’re straightening up your desk, your eyes catch the medication logbook, and an idea strikes you.

Sitting down, you flip through the pages, taking a look at the medications that are prescribed to each patient. At the bottom of the list is Kit’s name and, with a quick flick of your pencil, you manage to subtly cut his doses in half. It’s not much. You wish you can outright stop giving him the meds but that’s impossible. Hopefully, this way he’ll start to feel like himself.

You expect to be worried or guilty for what you’ve done. But honestly, you don’t. It feels right. Far too many patients have lost themselves in Briarcliff and you’re determined not to let Kit be one of them.

---

Kit’s world is not even recognizable anymore. One day he’s home with his beautiful wife, the next, she’s gone, and the police are accusing him of murder. He sees those damn creatures every time he closes his eyes, hears that loud noise echoing in his ears. If it’s not that he’s hearing, it’s the screams of the other patients.

When he saw you for the first time, heard you snap at the guard for mistreating him, he thought he was still dreaming. You have to be a dream. Nothing that good or sweet can possibly exist in this place. The way you look at him makes him feel seen for the first time in months.

He can’t get you out of his mind. After that initial visit, all he could think about was your warm embrace and the concern in your eyes.

To have someone care enough to worry about him meant everything. Especially during such a dark time. Trying to sneak away to see you had been a stupid idea but one he thought was worth the risk. He needed to know if he would have the same feelings each time, the same security and comfort. Do you really believe him or are you just a great actress?

The second time, you’re just as kind and generous as the first, and Kit knows that he is in trouble. A different kind of trouble than he already is in. This one is emotionally based and has the potential to end very badly.

Kit knew himself well enough to recognize the signs that he is falling for someone. You have only known each other a short while but already he can’t get you out of his mind.

The day following his first appointment with Dr. Thredson, he sees you in the Day Room and has to stop himself from immediately going over. It’s clear you’re busy, making the rounds and checking in on the other patients. Kit watches from a distance, smoking a cigarette as he leans against the back wall. Your kindness extends to everyone you come in contact with. He watches with admiration as you sit patiently with Pepper, checking on the small scrapes and abrasions she has.

You smile and his breath gets caught in his throat. Fuck you’re gorgeous.

Curiously, Kit watches as you slip something into Pepper’s hands before moving on to someone else. It turns out to be a small chocolate, which Pepper immediately devours before going back to her book. Kit smiles.

You catch each other’s eyes across the room just then. It’s a charged moment, like nothing in the world matters but the two of you. He makes a move to walk towards you, unable to help himself anymore. But then meds are called, and the moment is lost. Kit stubs out his cigarette and gets behind Lana as everyone lines up for their medications.

“This is bullshit,” Lana mutters under her breath. “Not all of us need medication. I don’t like that they force it on us. Makes my head all foggy.”

“That’s the point, isn’t it?” Kit asks, echoing your sentiment from the day before. “Keep us under control.”

“I have a point. One I’d like to shove right up their asses.”

Kit snorts at Lana’s blunt phrasing. At first, she had been weary of him but now the two have developed a mutual understanding. Neither one of them belongs there and it’s better to support each other than fight. The line moves and Kit watches you join your assistant to make the medication process go faster.

When it’s his turn, you hand him his cup and briefly, his hands touches yours. It’s like a bolt of electricity shoots through your fingertips and into his, coursing through his veins at such a speed it makes his head spin. On the outside however, he remains calm, bringing the cup up to his lips to knock back his meds. Except, he notices they look slightly different than the days before. His eyes briefly dart to yours and there’s a subtle change in your expression. Your eye closes just enough to seem like a wink without fully being one.

Kit downs the meds with less hesitation than before.

Sadly, he can’t talk to you after that. Once meds are distributed, you go back to the infirmary and he’s left alone once more. Briefly he considers faking a stomachache to see you again, but your warning is still ringing in his ears. The fact that you offered him the excuse was risky on your part. He doesn’t want to get you in trouble by overstaying his welcome in the infirmary. Even though he is curious about the medication change, he lets it go.

It’s not until he’s in his room that night that he realizes he’s feeling clear-headed. Usually, once lights out comes around, the meds have him so loopy he rolls over and goes to sleep. Or at least tries. This time, however, he feels more like himself. Of course, that also means he’s more aware of the dark and the loud screams, but once they subside, he’s left with silence and his own thoughts.

She must have lowered my meds or something. She’s fucking amazing.

Kit smiles, curling onto his side as he allows himself to think about you without worry or fear. Again and again your meetings replay in his mind and when he closes his eyes, he can almost smell the scent of your laundry detergent and perfume. The way your soft hands gently held his made him flex his fingers instinctively. Those lips of yours…he’d given anything to kiss them.

Kit’s eyes fly open when he feels his cock swell. It’s been so long since he’s felt any kind of sexual desire even before being medication. It’s a wonderful change of pace, however now he has a slight problem. Kit feels ashamed of himself for thinking of you sexually. All you’ve done is show him kindness and he’s thinking about doing all sorts of things to you. With a frustrated sigh, he rolls onto his stomach and tries to ignore it.

This turns out to be a bad idea. The pressure of his body against the hard mattress causes wonderful friction and Kit finds himself pressing his hips down for some semblance of relief.

Fuck it, he thinks, shoving his hand in his pants. I need this right now. I need her.

It’s been a long time since he’s done this himself. It takes a second to find the right angle and rhythm. He stays on his stomach, arching his back just enough to give his hand room as he jerks himself off. Burying his face in his pillow, he bites down to stifle his moans as he pictures you in your nurse’s uniform. The way it hugs your frame suddenly assaults his vision. When you had leaned over him to check his head, he had caught just the barest hint of cleavage. Then, he had purposefully closed his eyes to be respectful.

Now, it’s all he focuses on, thinking about how he’d love to run his tongue across your salty flesh while his hands cupped your tits. He’d bury his nose in your skin and inhale your scent before kissing and sucking every bit of you he could reach.

Would you moan his name? He bets you would, and he bets it would sound fucking fantastic.

Kit grips himself tighter, speeding up his movements as he keeps the fantasy going in his mind. Suddenly, the angle is too constricting, and he rolls onto his back, biting his bottom lip as he hand brings him closer to coming.

He pictures it being your hand. Pictures him laying in that hospital bed, you leaning over him and jerking him off as you watch his face. He thinks of you telling him to come for you and as soon as that thought crosses his mind, he explodes, coming all over his own hand as he quietly moans your name.

Sweating and panting, Kit lays there in his bed, heart racing and head spinning. He uses his blanket to clean himself up, tossing it onto the floor before curling into a ball. He expects the shame or guilt to hit him any moment, but he can’t find it in himself to feel either. All he feels is aching in his heart for the real thing.

The next morning, when they open the cells, he remains in bed. Once he hears the guard come closer, Kit begins to moan in agony, clutching his stomach.

Thankfully, Hardy is the one who check on him. Ever since you told him off, he’s been mostly tolerable to Kit. At least to his face.

“What’s wrong?” the guard asks.

“My stomach,” Kit moans. “I think…I think I ate something bad.” When Hardy kicks Kit’s soiled blanket aside, he adds, “Wouldn’t touch that if I were you. I felt real sick last night.”

Hardy wrinkles his nose and gestures for Kit to get up. “Come on. I’m taking you to the nurse.”

Laying on the theatrics, Kit forces himself up, still hunched over with his arms wrapped around his stomach.

You’re sitting at your desk when he enters. The morning light is filtering in through the barred windows and it catches you ever so slightly. Enough to almost make Kit forget he’s supposed to be in great pain. When you see him, your face grows concerned.

“This one is moaning about a stomachache,” Hardy says. “Where do you want him?”

To his dismay, Kit notices you’re not alone today. There’s a patient asleep in one of the other beds. You’re out of your chair in a second, pressing one of those soft hands to his forehead.

“He’s burning up.” Your ability to lie so smoothly makes Kit admire you even more. “Here, let’s get him on this bed right here.”

Hardy and you help Kit onto one of the beds in the corner of the room, one that’s hidden behind a divider. “I’ll keep an eye on him,” you say, tucking Kit in. “It’s probably just food poisoning. I’ve told the cook a million times they need to store the food better.”

“Think he needs to be tied down?” Hardy asks.

“No, of course not. Have you ever dealt with a patient who’s tied down and soiling themselves? My job is hard enough as it is. I won’t be dealing with that today.”

Kit makes retching noises if for no other reason than to see Hardy grow pale and uncomfortable.

“Oh, you better go before he starts up,” you urge, shooing the guard away.

Kit keeps up the act until he hears the door close and you turn to him, giving him a wide smile. “Wow, bravo. Great work, Kit.”

He smiles, sitting up. “Thanks. Maybe I’ll have a shot as an actor when this is all over.”

You chuckle and glance over at your other patient to make sure he’s still sleeping before sitting on the chair by Kit’s bed. “How are you really feeling this morning?”

“Better, actually. Do I have you to thank for that?”

“Well…it did seem overkill to have you on such high doses of medication when you aren’t mentally unstable. I’m sorry I couldn’t take you off them completely.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Kit says, reaching out to lay his hand over yours. “If anything, I’m sorry for you having to take that risk. I don’t want you to get in trouble, or worse, because of me.”

You look down at his hand and he immediately draws it back, worrying he may have crossed a line. There’s something in your expression that puts him on edge. He can see that you’re struggling, which only makes him feel worse. He berates himself for foolishly giving into his desires. Already things are tough, and the future is scarily uncertain. He’s on the hook for murder for fuck’s sake.

Before Kit can continue the self-deprecating spiral, you surprise him by carefully getting out of your seat and sitting next to him on the bed.

“Kit…” you say. “This friendship between us…I don’t know if it can continue.”

Kit’s heart sinks and he looks away from you, his gaze now fixated on the floor. “I don’t blame you,” he says. “It’s not safe being near me in any way. Honestly, it was stupid of me to come here like that. As much as I like spending time with you, I never want to put you in a compromising position. I’ve seen these guards and I know how they treat women. You’re in just as much danger here as I am.”

Your hand takes his, and he snaps his head up to look at you.

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” you say. For the first time since you met a few days ago, he hears the slightest crack in your voice. “I’m worried because, if we continue this friendship, I know that for me, one day, it might not be enough.”

His heart speeds up at your confession. Kit can’t believe his ears. The fact that you are feeling even the slightest bit of the attraction to him that he’s been feeling for you is enough to give him the sliver of hope that’s been severely lacking over the last few weeks.

Kit hesitantly links his fingers with yours, giving you every chance to pull away. You don’t. When he says your name, his throat is dry, and he has to clear it before he can go on. “I have no right liking you as much as I do. I don’t believe in God, but I can’t help but think that you’re my damn guardian angel. Because of you, I’m actually starting to think that maybe there’s a way out of this. Or at the very least, staying here won’t be so bad so long as you’re here.”

Your gaze softens and you look away, trying to hide the tear leaking out of the corner of your eye. With his free hand, Kit reaches up to wipe it away with his thumb. He can’t stop himself from cupping your cheek, needing to feel the warmth and softness against his palm. You shut your eyes, leaning into his touch, a shaky exhale escaping through your parted lips.

Your lips.

Kit’s eyes can’t look anywhere else. They look so inviting. He bets they’re just as soft as the rest of you, maybe even more so. Without even stopping to think what he’s doing, he starts to lean in, so slowly that you don’t seem to notice until you open your eyes to meet his. You pull your head back. Not abruptly or angrily, but enough where he gets the message to stop. Kit sighs with disappointment at the refusal. But a second later, you’re leaning in this time, at the same achingly slow pace he had been before.

Your lips brush and there’s a heated charge that soars between you, making you pause before you even properly get a kiss. Your eyes are wide as they meet his, searching for the same thing he’s looking for in yours: permission, acceptance, desire.

Kit closes the distance.

With one hand still cradling your face, he kisses you deeply, drawing your body as close to his as he dares. He feels you melt under his touch and it urges him to keep going, to keep kissing you, to deepen the kiss so he can savor the intense waves of desire washing over him.

You let him, opening your mouth so that his tongue can glide along yours.

It all becomes too intense for the both of you and you have to break the kiss, panting as your foreheads rest against one another’s.

“This is such a bad idea,” you say, the breathlessness of your voice making Kit’s cock twitch. “We have to be smart and we have to be careful. If we really can’t stay apart, then you have to listen to what I say and follow my instructions. Okay?”

“I can do that,” Kit says. He’d honestly agree to anything you say at that point. “Trust me, baby. I know the stakes.”

“Me too.” You take a deep breath and pull away, breaking all contact with him. It immediately leaves him cold and wanting more. “My assistants will be coming to collect the meds any moment. I need to go prepare.”

You reach out to cup his cheek and Kit holds your wrist, keeping your hand there for another moment so he could savor the contact. The way your eyes soften at him only makes him want to kiss you again. Instead, he settles for a peck on your palm before letting you fully pull away.

As you stand and collect yourself, you take a step towards the divider before you pause and look back at him. “No one can know, Kit. Not if you want to stay under my care. If anyone finds out there’s something between us, they’ll transfer me somewhere else and I won’t be able to protect you.”

The fact that you’re scared for him in this scenario and not yourself makes Kit want to throw you on the bed and ravish you. “I promise, I will find a way to clear my name,” he says. “Then once I’m out of here, I’ll take you away. Far away where this place can’t reach us.”

You smile and reach out to stroke his cheek again. “Easy there, Mr. Walker,” you tease, stroking his bottom lip with your thumb. “Keep talking like that and I may think you’re already falling for me.”

He watches you walk away, only one thought on his mind. Too late for that.

[smallraindrops-blog]

To Have And To Hold

Hypnos x female!reader

Word count: 2k

Part One

Warning:War, dead people and children, Ares ( let be real, that guy is a warning all on his own) kissing and sexual themes, no beta

The shade that came in the library was polite but clearly overwhelmed from their work. They handed over the letter quickly and gave a bow before hurrying out.

You pushed aside your own paperwork, "Lady Athena?" You asked out loud to no one but yourself. You typically only get letters from your sisters or parents.

You carefully opened it, a sense of dread unfolded in your chest.

'Dear Y/N.

I wish I was writing to you in better times. Unfortunately, I must keep this letter short. I'm in need of your help, desperately.

I can explain more when I see you. When you reach the surface, call for me.

Athena'

You ran out the library, uncaring about leaving scrolls on the tables.

You made it to the East wing and you glanced to Achilles, only to see empty space. You paused for a second then you heard it, crying and countless voices together begging and yelling.

What in the world...

"Silent!" Hades boomed and a harsh bark followed. The house quieted down, only soft sobs remained.

You walked in slowly and couldn't stop the gasp. You had never seen so many shades all in one place and you even saw some standing in the Styx.

You saw Achilles in front of Hades' desk, facing the crowd. His normally kind face was cold and his grip on the spear was tight.

Hades stood up, "Silent." He repeated. Queen Persephone and Zagreus stood next to Hades, both their faces unable to hide the worries they felt.

"Thanatos, please continue."

"Lord Ares has gone mad with war lust. Hermes nor I can keep up with the amount of dead. And as I speak, Ares and Eris are tearing through another city." Thanatos' tone was hard and flat.

You swallowed, unable to believe what you were hearing.

"What has Zeus done to step in?" Hades asked warily.

"He has yet to do so, lord Hades." Thanatos replied.

Hades opened his mouth but a shade broke past the group. "Please, you have to help us! They will follow us even in death, it won't ever stop!"

"Didn't I tell you to be silent!? And Ares can't come here, no matter how hard he tries."

The shade shook their head, "No, not him-" the other shades joined, all begging and more crying started.

"Be quiet, all of you!"

Zagreus spoke up, "Wait, we should hear them out, Father."

"No. We have bigger problems." Hades rubbed his forehead."Thanatos, give this letter to Hermes. The sooner we can put Ares and his friend down the better."

There was a moment of silence after Thanatos vanished.

You took a shaky breath, and looked around to find Hypnos. You heard him speak in his cheerful voice before you saw him, "Well, alrighty. That sure was something, huh? Line up! Come on everyone, and mind the little ones."

He wasn't in his usual spot but a little past Hades' desk along with Dusa and several workers shades. You walked over, "Hypnos."

He looked up at your voice, his eyes widened in alarm. He dropped the quill and paper he was holding. "How much of that did you see?" He whispered.

"Enough." You whispered back. "I got a letter from Athena, they need my help."

"What?" He asked in a strangled whisper. You showed him the letter. He read the letter once, his face blank.

You waited for a response, frowning at his unreadable face.

Then he folded up the letter calmly as he met your gaze, "No. Absolutely not. I will not allow you to go." He said softly.

"Hypnos!" You replied, no longer staying quiet. "You have no right to tell me what to do." You reached for the letter but he held it out of reach.

"Blood and Darkness." Hades cursed. "We do not need your marital disputes in the great hall especially now. Leave."

You flushed, realizing you could feel eyes on you. Hypnos grabbed your arm gently, "Oh of course, Lord Hades. Don't worry, I will be back shortly after I handle this." Hypnos said pleasantly, " What was the saying? Happy wife, happy life? But hey why am I telling you? You know all about that."

Hades glared down at the both of you and you desperately wished for a hole to swallow you whole.

Before you could apologize for Hypnos' lack of tact, he vanished you along with him.

You looked around, trying to push away the nausea. Thankfully he had chosen to reappear just outside of your bedchambers.

You turned on him, "For blood's sake what was that about Hypnos?"

"Can we talk in your chambers? Or the library, whichever one you want." He asked, sounding guilty.

Good, you thought viciously.

"Oh so I do get a say in something then? Or will you be 'handling' that too?" You snapped at him. You pushed out your door, not bothering to invite Hypnos in. You stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed.

Hypnos closed the door behind him quietly. "I'm sorry but Lady Athena will have to do without your help if it means you have to go to the surface. I cannot let you go up there."

"That is my decision, not yours." You shook your head. "I have to go."

"Didn't you hear how Ares has gone mad? That guy is crazy on a good day, let alone whatever is happening now." Even with the guilty look on his face, Hypnos shook his head. "You have never even seen a war, have you? It's not a pretty sight."

"We don't even know what she needs help with, I doubt I will be anywhere near a battlefield. She knows I'm not a warrior."

"The fact you have to even be on the surface is too much." Hypnos floated over to you but didn't touch you, his hands spread out. "War isn't predictable. One person's decision can cost other people's their lives, well beyond the battlefields. And it never ever ends up the way leaders plan for it to."

You stayed quiet, looking down at the ground. You couldn't get your mind off the letter even with Hypnos’ reasoning. Athena wouldn't ask for anything unless she truly needed it.

"Y/N, please look at me." Hypnos lifted your chin up, your eyes flicked toward his before you made yourself look away.

"I would give you anything if it made you happy, you know that." Hypnos spoke carefully. "You can help Lady Athena, I'm not saying you can't but you need to do it from here. There is no point in risking your safety."

Hypnos waited for you to respond only to sigh when you shook your head, too upset to speak.

"Send a letter to Athena, and I will help out too, love. Okay?" Hypnos' eyes studied your face.

"Can't you just come with me?" You asked, hating how your voice cracked at the end. "If you're so worried."

"No, I am needed here and I'm doubtful I would be a welcomed face." Hypnos gave a slight grin, "Besides, I already won the last war when I got you as my wife."

he looked at you so softly, it made you blush. You pulled away, you will not let Hypnos sweet talk you. “Oh, yes. Just remind me of another time I was mad at you. That will work out for you.”

“I-i just-“ Hypnos chuckled but he was clearly unamused. “Obviously I have a case of foot in mouth. Y/N, I just want you to be safe. Am I wrong to want my wife to be safe?”

You glared at him, “Well obviously not, Hypnos. Don’t play that game with me.”

Hypnos glared back, both of you silently glaring at each other. Hypnos broke first and rubbed his eyes with a frustrated sigh. You resisted the urge to walk over and smooth away the weight you could see on him.

When Hypnos looked back at you, you didn’t expect the serious look in his face, “Just promise me something.”

“What?” You watched him warily, not used to this reaction from him.

“You won’t try to leave without me. If- and that is a very big if by the way, we have to go up to help whoever, you won’t go where I can’t keep an eye on you.” Hypnos said, his golden eyes stayed on your face.

“I’m not a child, Hypnos.” You muttered.

“I know that. But you have never been in a war and I have and I know how ugly it gets. I hope I am overreacting, really I am.” Hypnos came closer again, “Just promise me. Please.”

“I-i but.. Fine. Okay, I promise.” You said. You glanced at Hypnos and upon seeing the relief on his face, you turned away, guilt

“Just… give me some alone time, okay?” You said, unable to hide how upset you were.

He was quiet for a few minutes. “Alright. I will have tonight’s dinner sent for you. I will check in on you later, okay?”

“Okay.” You agreed, staring at the wall. "Thank you."

Hypnos looked at you a moment, a hand reached up for a second before falling back down, before he left.

You pushed down the guilt you felt, Hypnos was the one in the wrong for not helping you.

You paced around the room, biting your lip nervously as you tried to think.

You couldn't take the path Zagreus does, and you weren't sure if he would or could help you. You didn't have a boat and from the looks of it Charon wouldn't have space anyway.

And Cerberus was…

You groaned and covered your face.

You were efficiently trapped, the realization caused the fading anger at Hypnos to come roaring back.

You sat down on the bed when a knock came. "Y/N? C-can I come in?" Dusa's voice was normally a welcomed thing but right now you don't think you can stomach being around others.

But it wasn't Dusa' fault you told yourself.

You opened the door and she floated in. "Are you okay? I kinda saw what happened in the hall."

You shook your head and explained everything. You reached for the letter only to remember that Hypnos still had it. "Blood and darkness Hypnos." you muttered. You couldn't believe he was treating you like a child.

Dusa was quiet for a few moments. "Well actually, I might know a way. It is the same way Queen Persephone took to return here. She doesn't have to travel the same way everyone else does."

Hope lifted in your chest. "Do you know if Cerberus would be there?"

"Far as I know, he wouldn't be near there since Queen Persephone is here." Dusa frowned with worry, "But you know how dangerous it is, right? Meg told me stories about the last war and the kind of people she had to punish for their acts during it."

"I have to go. My family could be at risk. Can you cover for me? Just a little bit."

Dusa stared at you. "Just promise me you will be careful okay? And if anyone asks, even Hypnos, I won't lie okay?"

You hugged her. "Thank you!"

"Just please be careful." Dusa muttered.

~~

The snow was still there, unmarked and soft. You took a breath, the sharp, freezing air hurt your lungs but it felt amazing.

You weren’t sure if the hallway Queen Persephone took would work for you but thankfully it had just been an unusually long and winding hallway.

When you got back, you were planning on telling Zegreus about it. Let's see Hades do anything about that.

You watched the snowfall, gentle and pure, with a sigh. You tugged your travel cloak tighter, the last time you wore this was during your wedding.

It wasn't the same place you and Hypnos had gotten married. But seeing the snow brought memories. Of the fear, of how you almost stumbled over your vows, how Hypnos' hand holding yours was the only warm thing you could feel. Of the nervous yet serious look on his face when you both said the final vow…

You shook your head, finding your resolve. You glanced back at the opening, guilt rising in you.

And hurt.

You thought Hypnos would understand, it was your family. He was normally so big on family, bending over backward for his own family. You thought he would support you. You swallow and with one last look back, you step out into the snow.

It took you a moment but with the deepest breath you could take, you called for Athena.

Almost immediately, a warm golden light filled the field.

Athena was just tall and golden as you remembered. She didn't smile but she took your hands in her own, "Thank you. I must admit I was worried you wouldn't come."

You decided not to mention your disagreement with Hypnos as you tried to give a comforting smile.

"Of course, I am more than happy to help. But I am a bit lost on what I could offer for you." You watched her sighed and moved away.

"What I am about to ask of you is no small favor. If you wish to have no part of this, I will understand." Athena said gravely.

You nodded. "Let me decide."

After she studied your face for a moment, Athena spoke.