#and this is college it’s important for my future and career to do good on these classes

[quibbs126]

I’m a failure

[damiansgoodgirll]

i know it might be early but can you write about reader being in the judgment day and seeing her family breaking up at summerslam and so even if rhea and damian just lost they comfort her because they know how important was the jd to her? like they were her family.

oh i’ve been waiting for this request honestly

damian priest x reader (platonic) + rhea ripley x reader (platonic)

tw : mention of abandonment, family issues, feeling of loneliness, brief panic attacks

don’t break my heart

if someone told you a year ago that you would have joined the most successful faction in the wwe at the moment you probably would have laughed at them in their face.

and yet, a year ago rhea and the rest of the judgment day saw your potential when you were just in nxt. they saw as the fierce and feisty teenage girl that no one could handle and they knew that they wanted someone like you in their team.

you were only twenty but it felt like you were in the business for forty years. you knew that wrestling was your passion and you wanted to trasform that passion into your everyday work.

your family didn’t agree. they didn’t see what you saw in wrestling and so they couldn’t see the talent you actually had. they said you had to focus on a real career path, that once you finished high school you had to apply for more colleges you could. they wanted a future for you that you didn’t want.

and when you tried to explain to them that all you wanted to do in life was wrestling, they kicked you out. they didn’t want you in the family anymore and you never felt so broken in your life. you were lucky your best friend let you into her house so you helped her with what you could. you found a part-time job so you could help her pay the bills or the food while you were still training to become a wrestler.

it was hard but somehow you managed to get signed into the famous wwe.

but once you joined, you realised that it wasn’t perfect as you thought it would be. you struggled with getting booked and the first time you actually got booked they set you to lose even if you knew you would have won those matches easily. but the pay was good and fans started to recognise you more.

in reality you felt lonely and alone. you barely made any friends as they labelled you as the new one and you didn’t feel welcomed at all. your family still didn’t talk to you and due to you constantly being on the road, you lost contact with your best friend.

one special day the judgment day surprised everyone in nxt, claiming that they were looking for you so when they saw you fighting on the ring, they decided to make a special appearance and shocking everyone.

“we want you y/n” you remembered rhea saying and the crowd screaming of joy “we want you in the team” and so you joined them.

you thought it was all for publicity but truth was that they really saw potential in you. you were young and you already had a big potential of becoming a real threat for the women division.

so they helped you train. rhea and damian showed you some moves and techniques you’ve never saw before, finn was like the mind, teaching you how to trick your opponent with simple mind tricks and dominik was your comfort person, he helped you gaining more confidence, especially during your first matches.

later on you opened up about your past with them. how you basically had no family as they kicked you out, how you had no friends because the girls at nxt didn’t like you and how lonely you felt but they made sure to change all of that. they always included you in their car trips, sundays together and movie nights.

you finally felt like you belonged somewhere.

so you couldn’t believe of what you were witnessing while watching rhea losing against liv at summerslam. tears in your eyes as you watched dominik turning on rhea and betray her like that.

you were backstage watching the whole match with finn and jd and you couldn’t stop your hands from shaking.

“no no no no…dom please…don’t do that…” you whispered as your eyes were glued to the tv.

you couldn’t deny there had been tension this past weeks but you were the judgment day, you always solved all the issues you had so why was it happening now?

“y/n…” finn slowly approached you. his heart was breaking for you, mostly because he knew what was going to happen and mostly because he knew you didn’t deserve to be put into this mess.

“finn…we have to do something we…” he hugged you because he couldn’t lie to you. he couldn’t find words to comfort you because what he was going to later was gonna make you hate him.

you cried into his arms until damian broke into the room and started screaming. he was visibly upset and he couldn’t understand why dom turned on rhea.

“did you know that?” he started screaming at finn but before he could answer you jumped in.

“of course he didn’t…”

“no i didn’t know man” finn lied. he didn’t care about lying to damian, but you, after he said that he simply left the room without saying anything to you.

you stayed there, confused while your brain was trying to elaborate everything that happened in the past 30 minutes.

you knew rhea wanted to be left alone so you guys waited for her to calm down. she joined you a few minutes before damian’s match started “hey” you smiled at her.

“hey…” she put her arm around your shoulder and let you rest your head over it.

“you good?”

“i’ll be okay…not the match i imagined but it will be okay” she softly smiled at you. you knew she was hurting and that she was clearly pissed, but she didn’t want you to worry for her so she pretend that everything was fine.

as damian’s match began, you both had hopes for him to retain his title but everything went downhill when you saw finn turning on damian.

“rhea…what-what is he doing over there?” rhea was as shocked as you were because finn wasn’t supposed to be there.

“i…i don’t know”

“rhea we have to do something! damian’s gonna lose and…” but before you could continue, she grabbed your arm when she saw that you were about to leave the room and she stopped you.

“there’s nothing we could do y/n…” she was hurting as much as you were.

“no no, please rhea…i can’t, this group can’t break up please…” it was like losing a family all over again “we have to go there and help damian, talk some sense into finn’s head and…and”

“hey y/n…calm down, come here” she hugged you as she sensed that you were panicking “there’s nothing we can do right now…they made up their minds”

“but finn…finn, he told me everything was going to be alright, he told he didn’t know anything about dom and now, now he’s just going to betray us like that…rhea we have to stop him…” you were visibly crying right now.

but before you could continue or before, she could answer you, finn did unthinkable and betrayed dam on live tv. he made damian lose his title and while coming backstage, he had this twisted smile on his face that made you sick enough.

“where are you going y/n?” rhea asked you when she saw you about to leave the room.

you stayed there for a minute, thinking if you should go to talk to finn or go to comfort damian “i don’t know…i wanna talk to finn, i need him to tell me to my face that he doesn’t care about us, that he doesn’t care about this group and…”

“love, please stop” rhea’s heart was breaking for you because she knew how much you loved the group as it was your own family “there’s nothing we can do now…finn and dom turned on us but me and damian aren’t leaving you, i promise you”

“rhea’s right…” you both turned your heads to face damian. he had a broken look on his face and it was clear that he was hurting “we ain’t going anywhere y/n…”

“damian…” you went for a hug and he softly smiled when he felt your arms hugging him as strong as you could “i had no idea finn was going to betray you like that…he told me everything was okay and then…”

“it’s not your fault y/n…you couldn’t have known that…”

“are you okay damian?” you asked, feeling guilty that they were the ones who just got betrayed and you were the one crying about it.

“i’ll be okay…you know finn was like family to me and see him betraying me like that. it will hurt for a while but we are a family and we stay together through all of this” he smiled at you.

“i just…i wish i could talk to them and”

“y/n, love…nothing you say would make them change their minds…” rhea softly spoke to you.

“i know but they can’t break this family apart…” you wanted to say group but you never felt like you were part of a group, you felt like you were part of a family and suddenly you felt 18 again, when your parents kicked you out and turned their backs on you.

damian and rhea knew how much that affected you, how scared you were of abandonment and they promised that you would have never felt like that again. but they couldn’t keep their promise as long as they wanted because finn and dom were breaking the group apart and they couldn’t do anything about it to stop them. they knew how much you struggled to make friends and apart from them and a few other wrestlers, you didn’t have many friends.

you struggled again in the women’s faction because they all were too focus on themselves to make space for someone else, apart from shayna or bayley, the rest of them never acknowledged you.

damian introduced you to jey uso and some other people like drew or la knight and even if they were all kind to you, you couldn’t really rely on them as friends because they weren’t.

so all you had left was the judgment day, until now.

“hey hermosa…we are not leaving you okay?” damian reassured you.

“everyone leaves at some point…”

“hey none of that nonsense okay?” rhea almost scolded you “you probably weren’t expecting this, i saw it coming eventually but trust me when i say that me and damian won’t leave you alone…you still are part of this group and we ain’t leaving you behind” rhea gently rubbed your back while you were wiping some of your tears away.

“rhea’s right…we are here and we are here to stay…” damian smiled at you.

“thank you…”

“don’t thank us love, it’s the truth”

maybe, in the end you still had a family that cared about you but for now, you couldn’t wait to kick finn and dom’s asses on monday night raw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

part two

[dilfl0v3rss]

basketball player!ony who takes his career very seriously. he was the star in high school when you met him and he is the star now at his big name d1 college.

basketball player!ony who’s been scouted by many nba teams, but refuses to go into the draft until he gets his degree. you and him have been together since freshman year of high school and he doesn’t plan on changing that no matter how much recognition he gets.

basketball player!ony who is about 6’5, playing as his schools starting point guard. he averages about twenty-six points a game and wears the number 3. sometimes basketball player!ony can get very hard on himself when he doesn’t perform the way he wants to and he always needs you there to help. whether it be getting his rebounds or watching his previous film, basketball player!ony always looked to you first.

basketball player!ony who begged you to go to the same college as him, not thinking he would survive being away from you and you didn’t mind because you felt the exact same way.

basketball player!ony who has to shoot down different girls everyday. constantly throwing away love letters and gifts from the many girls on campus. sometimes splitting the candy he’d get with you.

basketball player!ony who is rarely seen without you unless he is at practice or a game and during those games he always made sure you are seated in the nearest seat to the bench. throwing you a quick wink with a smirk when he’d make a tough shot.

basketball player!ony who’d always bring you up in his interviews after games.

“onyankopon what a great game tonight. you did spectacular ending with thirty-seven points, twelve assists and eleven rebounds. how does it feel to be such a big asset to the team at such a young age?”

“uhhm i just come out here and perform like i normally do. i love this game and it’d be disrespectful of me to not play at my full potential as often as i can. i also wanna give a shout-out to my beautiful girlfriend y/n. there have been nights where it’s just me and her watching film, breaking each game down to make me better. i wouldn’t have made it this far without you mama. i love you”

he’d say, looking straight into the camera as if you were watching him through it. (the interview went viral btw)

basketball player!ony who has you wear his chains for each game since he can’t wear jewelry while playing, not letting you take them off until the two of you got to his dorm room.

“fuck keep ridin’ it just like that baby.” he groaned as you bounced up and down on your boyfriends dick, pretty gold chains dangling from your neck as you slowed your pace. he had just finished a game and needed to get you home immediately after seeing a random from the crowd try to flirt with you, snatching your attention away from him while he was killing his opponents. one of his favorite things about you was that you loved basketball just as much as he did, watching every game without batting an eye.

you gave your boyfriend your full attention and even gave him criticism to show for how much you were paying attention. the fact that some random nigga can snatch that attention from him boiled his blood. his legs were tired and already getting sore from the game as he lay comfortably under you. “daddy m’tireddd” you have been going at it for almost an hour, but basketball player!ony knew you were a good girl and wouldn’t stop until he said to. “ion care. keep that same pace until i nut in you”

basketball player!ony who also let you pick his jersey number.

it was the night after graduation when he had your legs pressed up to your chest on the bed. basketball player!ony fed you deep strokes as he talked to you about your future with him. “how many babies you want daddy t’give you?” he groaned in your ear while pushing himself deeper. you moaned out loud as you felt him kiss your cervix, eyes rolling back as you were slowly going in and out of awareness. “c’mon mama i need an answer it’s important”

you had no idea why he was so eager for an answer but you knew he wasn’t going to let you cum until you told him. he let go of your legs and held both of your hands in his. staring you in the eyes as he slowed his speed and deepened his strokes. you were falling more in love with this man everyday. “i know you like that, but i need you to give me an answer or daddy gon have to stop.” your back arched off the bed as your boyfriend hit a particularly sensitive spot in you. he knew you were close, but he really needed you to answer his question. he stopped completely, staying inside of you as he waited for a reply. you mewled, upset at the lack of friction. “i know mama i know. just tell me how many and i’ll fuck you ‘til you wet this bed up.”

“t-three.” you whispered. it was barely audible, but he heard you, asking again for clarification. “speak up baby” “t-threeee ohh myyy goddd daddy waitttt” you freed one of your hands before pawing at his stomach. he pounded into you at a quick pace, drawing your orgasm out quickly as you spasmed around his dick. “and ima take care of you and them when i go pro i swear. they not gon have to worry about a damn thing and ima wear that number on my back to remind the both of us who we doin this shit for” the two of you came together, holding each other as fatigue got the best of you and ushered the both of you to sleep. your boyfriend never forgot what he swore to do and kept up with it through college.

basketball player!ony never started a game without first kissing his three fingers and pressing them on his jersey. letting you know he always remembered his promise to you.

[hugshughes]

mad woman N. Moyle

Nolan Moyle x fem!reader

synopsis - Nolan is back in the place you two fell in love, and he can't get you out of his mind.

wc - 2.5k!

contains - UNEDITED SORRY!! cursing, NO HAPPY ENDING!(between Nolan and reader, I don't leave my readers sad you know that), um asshole!nolan as fuck, MAD WOMAN BY TSWIFT?????, um yeah i don't know, BAD BITCH!READER (you go girl), hints at future!frank nazar x reader (YOU KNOW I HAVE A HARD TIME HELPING MYSELF!!!!!!!)

an - hey y'all....... im not deceased!!! um yeah HOPE U HAD A GOOD HOLIDAYSSSSSS. some of this I couldn't tell, if it was funny or cringe so don't hate me. I don't loveeeeeee this but whatever. Frank is so cute SOMEONE REQUEST HIM ;))) anyways love u hope you enjoy!

-

what did you think i'd say to that? does a scorpion sting when fighting back?

Nolan felt weird. It was the first time he was back in Ann Arbor since leaving for China in the summer. He was stopping to see the boys and watch a hockey game before going back home to New York.

It was the first time he'd been in Ann Arbor since you broke up. The breakup was rough. There had been a lead up for weeks before, all you did was argue. You couldn't understand him, or anything he was doing. When you found out he was going to move to China, you felt like that was him saying you weren't important to him. He didn't seem even slightly upset about having to leave you, and when you were hysterical over it, he just called you crazy.

they strike to kill, and you know i will. you know i will.

When you realized Nolan wasn't going to be anything but indifferent about the situation, all you felt was rage. Maybe you were crazy, you felt it.

Nolan had been your boyfriend since you were a freshman, and he was a junior at Michigan. You dated for almost three years, and then he threw you to the side. Now you were interning in the athletics department at Michigan while you finished school, and you were talking with your supervisors about a job opening after graduation, so you were sticking around in Ann Arbor for a while longer.

It was honestly embarrassing the way you tried for you two, while it seemed he couldn't have cared less. The boys felt bad, they'd known you their whole college careers, you'd help them through losses, comforted them, cared for them. You were the best female influence they had while at college.

They hung out with you all summer, trying to include you in all of their activities, because they knew what you were going through. They loved Nolan, and they loved you. You didn't make them feel like they had to choose, and Nolan really couldn't even if he wanted to, being on the other side of the world from all of you.

You were still in Ann Arbor, along with the boys because they still had hockey games to play before they could go home for winter break, and you worked with the hockey team in the winter, so you were sticking around as well.

what do you sing on your drive home? do you see my face in the neighbors lawn?

Nolan couldn't get you off of his mind as he drove through the small Michigan college town. He saw you everywhere. You were the only person that had stuck around with him while most of his friends left to the NHL over the years. You could tell at the last moments of your breakup Nolan was jealous, he was jealous of people like Luke, who was leaving from their loss in Tampa straight to Boston to sign with the Devils. He had always dreamed of it, but had just not come close enough.

China would take him away from it all, a new place, as far away as he could be, because it did hurt to look at all the guys he captained, knowing they'd go on to do greater things than him.

He deflected what was going on in his head to you. He accused you of being crazy, and envious, and insecure, but it was him. He felt so shitty about himself on the inside that he threw it all to you.

does she smile? or does she mouth, "fuck you forever"? every time you call me crazy, i get more crazy.

Nolan was being suffocated by the overwhelming sense of you, that Ann Arbor held. Every corner, every road, every stoplight.

Nolan pulled into a parking spot on the side of the street, unbuckling his seatbelt and turning the car off. He sat in the empty car for a few minutes. Would you be there when he walked into the dinner the boys had planned? He knew they were really close with you, seeing as he stalked your and their Instagram profiles often.

He didn't know if the guys would do it to him. He also didn't know if they knew that seeing you would affect him so much.

You knew Nolan was invited to this dinner, but you didn't really care. You'd met your peace with him over the summer, at least in your mind, you were happy. Single life had been treating you well, you were prioritizing yourself, your friends, your family, and your career and it was a perfect balance for you.

what about that? and when you say i seem angry, i get more angry.

You'd always loved the idea of working for a sports team, specifically hockey. You'd been the daughter of the Minnesota Twins physical therapist since you were born, so seeing the behind the scenes of major league teams was always exciting for you. You'd gotten your first opportunity to work with sports teams in high school, when you had an internship with a smaller hockey team in Minnesota, and since then you'd loved working with hockey. It was how you met Nolan, interning with the Michigan team your freshman year.

You were already on your second drink when you saw Nolan walk into the restaurant. Seeing him left a pit of red hot anger in your stomach. You just looked away from him before he could catch you and kept talking to Luca. Maybe the anger never left, you didn't care as long as the love you had for him did.

and there's nothing like a mad woman. what a shame she went mad.

You chose not to acknowledge him, and he understood why. The last time you talked to him, you were screaming, crying, completely confused as to why he didn't love you like you loved him. You didn't understand how after committing three years to him, he could throw all of it away without a second thought. He probably had someone. Someone he could entertain halfway across the world.

You both ignored each other, deciding it best not to talk. You knew that it wouldn't end well, the rage sitting in your chest would release itself the second you said a word to Nolan. You both drank, a lot. You partially because you wanted to get your mind off of him, and partially because Luca was challenging you to go shot for shot with him.

Nolan was embarrassed before you two broke up, and he still was, sort of. Then, he was embarrassed because he felt like he wasn't talented enough to lead his team that was chock-full of NHL prospects. Now he was embarrassed because he had realized what he let go when he let you go. And obviously all these boys could tell he had lost a good one, because they all loved and admired you so heavily.

Nolan wasn't exactly good at handling emotions like embarrassment and insecurity, since being raised on "men don't cry" mentalities. And when he was so full of these unfamiliar feelings, he took it out solely on you.

And it made you crazy, like completely batshit. You were head over heels for Nolan, had been since the day you met, and when he flipped on you, you didn't know what to do.

no one likes a mad woman. you made her like that.

Nolan was drunk. Anyone in the bar could tell you that. He didn't always handle his alcohol well, either. His eyes locked onto you, all the way down the long table full of people. You were currently talking with some of the media girls, discussing the upcoming Monday video, thinking of question ideas.

Drunk Nolan was mad you weren't paying attention to him. He always wanted your attention, while you were together, and now. He started talking, rather loudly, about you. He was saying how you were crazy, and controlling and that's why you broke up. It was because he was drunk, but that didn't mean it was okay. You heard your name, and your head snapped to the side, staring Nolan down.

"No, she's a crazy bitch! Y'guys are lucky you haven't tried somethin' with'er, she's like the bossiest girlfriend ever. Like, like when we broke up, she was just beggin' me to stay and like wouldn't let me break up with'er!"

You were seeing blood red. None of that was true. You let Nolan do whatever the fuck he wanted during your relationship. He was the possessive one.

and you'll poke the bear, 'til her claws come out.

Most of the table was staring at you, those who weren't were staring at Nolan in bewilderment. No one believed him, they had witnessed your relationship. Some of the guys were telling Nolan to shut the fuck up, knowing you were angry.

You stood up, going to the end of the table Nolan sat at. You stood on the opposite side of the table, between Frank and Nick's seats.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing, Nolan? Do you really need my attention? It's pathetic, to talk about me like this, especially while I'm sitting right fucking there. We get it, you're not as fucking famous as you were here in China, but you don't have to bring me into your attention seeking."

and you find something to wrap your noose around. and there's nothing like a mad woman.

Nolan saw this as an opportunity. He knew he was getting you angry, he was thriving off of it.

"See? She's crazy!"

Adam slapped Nolan over the back of the head, telling him to shut up again, looking at you with wide eyes.

"It's alright Adam, you don't need to stop him from being a bitch. Anyways, Nolan, you calling me crazy is laughable. You were the one that didn't let me wear shit! The one that got mad when I went out with my friends!"

Nolan started to turn into an angry drunk guy. You were saying true things, all of that happened through the duration of your relationship. Nolan was getting embarrassed, again. He look around the table, his eyes catching on the one person likely on his side. A media girl in her junior year at Michigan. In her two years on the team with Nolan as a part of it, she'd had a crush on him, and made it clear to you and him. He turned back to you, ready to say something that would hurt you deep.

now i breathe flames every time i talk. my cannons all firin' at your yacht.

"It's your fault I was like that, I had to worry about you whoring yourself out to everyone."

You could've jumped over the table and strangled him. Frank grabbed your hand under the table, being the sweetheart he was. You squeezed his hand back, thanking him silently. You knew Nolan was embarrassed, and jealous that you were over him, when you obviously occupied his thoughts.

"You have to be kidding me."

they say, "move on." but you know i won't.

"She's not worth it Nolan."

A bitchy little voice came from down the table, every head snapping to look at the girl who'd said it. Of course, it was the one that wanted Nolan down her throat while you two together.

"Alright babe, just because you're feening to get in his pants doesn't mean you're apart of this conversation."

She gasped, many of the people at the table let out laughs, including the other media girls, leading the girl to turn in anger at them and shout out them to stop. You laughed hard, watching her try to blubber out insults at you.

and women like hunting witches too. doing your dirtiest work for you.

"It's obvious that you're both obsessed with me, and I understand, trust me."

They both got angry, starting to let out insults at you, but they were just funny to you.

"You two are gonna be very happy with each other, you can think about me together."

Watching them get angrier and angrier with you was so funny, objectively. You turned to Frank next to you, who was laughing, hard. You mouthed, 'I'm scared' to him, making him laugh harder.

it's obvious that wanting me dead has really brought you two together.

You stepped out from between the chairs, letting Frank's hand go, moving to grab your jacket, wallet, and phone from your spot, walking back to where you were when you gagged Nolan and media girl.

"Well I'm leaving, you two have given me enough entertainment for one night."

You left the bar, giggling to yourself as you pulled out your phone on the walk to your car. You saw one of the girls texted you, reading, 'mr obsessed is going out to see you WALK SLOW ;)' You knew who she meant, Frank. He'd had a little crush on you since he'd joined the team, in age, he was only a little over a year younger than you, so it wasn't weird or anything. You thought he was super cute and he was a lot more thoughtful than Nolan had ever been, even though he wasn't even your boyfriend, you'd never even entertained him, but he was still kind and caring towards you.

i'm taking my time, taking my time, 'cause you took everything from me

You looked behind you, stopping when you saw none other than Frank Nazar jogging up to you, you smiled brightly at him.

"Hi Frank."

He smiled, laughing as he said hi. He told you he wanted to make sure you got to your car safe, of course he did, he was a gentleman. So you let him walk with you, laughing about what had taken place in the bar. When you got to your car, you got in but talked to Frank through your open window for over ten minutes. When you told him he should go back to get out of the freezing weather of Ann Arbor, he nodded and agreed, but didn't leave.

This kid would probably end up being the death of you, with his smile and pretty hair. When you finally got him to head back to the bar, he was physically shivering. You smiled warmly to yourself as you sat in your car for a couple minutes, thinking about the whole night. Seeing Nolan be such a dick confirmed everything you'd thought about him over all the months, so it felt like you were really able to let go. Move on.

watching you climb, watching you climb over people like me. the master of spin has a couple side flings. good wives always know she should be mad, should be scathing like me, but no one likes a mad woman. what a shame she went mad, you made her like that.

[yesimwriting]

Without Faith

a/n giggling and kicking my feet rn btw, this is meant to be a set up for something longer! lmk if you're interested in part 2 :)

Summary: After a news story that was only meant to be an internship assignment spirals into a crime story that earns national attention, you feel conflicted enough about your involvement to join a criminal psychology class despite being a journalism major. Despite your good intentions, the universe seems to have it out for you considering your slightly older professor is extremely attractive and the only person that seems to understand what you're going through.

Warnings/info: age gap (reader is of consenting age tho!!), future student-professor relationship, slow burn, slight changes to how college works for the sake of plot, a surprising amount of lore (i got carried away), me writing for a character for a first time on here so be kind 😭

----

It's not often one finds their enemy crumpled up and lying helplessly next to an overflowing garbage can. It's even rarer to see that and still feel the bitter sting of defeat.

"He didn't text me back, which is weird because when I ran into him on Friday--" Carlie, who might know you better than you know yourself, pauses.

You turn your head away from the trash in an attempt to abandon the newspaper as completely as the person who had thrown it away. "You saw James last week? You didn't tell me."

She watches you for a moment, her eyebrows pulling together in a way that tells you she won't accept your lie just because you're offering her an opportunity to re-dissect her most recent interaction with her latest target. "You know I did."

Carlie shifts her weigh from one foot to the other, her eyes drifting towards the ground. "It's there because it's old--it's over."

It's over. The words crack themselves against your skull. More than a sentence, more than a promise. The only consolation the state's attorney could offer grieving families. The sound ringing in your ears as a mother gave into her agony, a choked sob ripping its way out of her throat.

It's over--the catalyst that sent the mother to you in a parking lot illuminated by stale, synthetic lighting. They're the reason for her confession, that in some off-kilter way she thought the verdict would make her feel better.

It's over--the syllables that accompany the sound of the needle leaving Josh Robinson's lifeless body. Killed by the justice system or the media?

"You didn't do anything wrong." Carlie's voice is careful in its unflinchingness. "He was a serial killer. You--you wrote the truth."

And while this awareness has bound itself to your bones, it is rarely enough to make you forget what you did wrong. Journalists are impartial, they don't--they're supposed to understand, they're supposed to be careful. You took it a step further.

"I know."

You don't need to look up to know that you haven't convinced her. However, you must have sounded okay enough for Carlie to accept moving on. "And you're doing more than anyone else would do to make your true crime even better."

It's an exaggeration. Journalists have done a lot more for their careers than request to join a class that belongs to a department unrelated to their degree. But Carlie seems so happy to be able to compliment you, you decide to go with a less sentimental correction, "Not true crime."

"I know, journalism." She sighs, but continues to walk forward in a way that feels oddly optimistic. Maybe even relieved. "Make sure you point out the difference to the professor. I'm sure he'll love that."

You roll your eyes at her sarcasm, but follow her lead anyway. You've already perfected the elevator pitch you're planning to present to Dr. Spencer Reid. A brief but genuine description of the importance of ethical journalism, especially when it comes to writing about serial killers.

You're well practiced and far from worried about winning him over. Academic authority figures have always taken well to you...it also doesn't hurt that you spent all night googling him just to be safe.

"Actually," she begins, pulling open the door to the psychology building, "I bet there's no room for original material in the interaction that you've already imagined, planned, and mentally rehearsed."

You scoff as you step past the door's threshold. "No," the word is dismissive and entirely unconvincing. You instinctually move past it. "Go talk to your advisor about your thesis, I'll meet with Dr. Reid, and then we can order food or something."

The reminder of her own meeting seems to kill the mood, her smile morphing into something more focused. Carlie lets out a small breath. "Right. We got this." And with one final assuring nod, Carlie turns towards the stairwell.

----

The thought is a dull ache that wedges itself into your chest before you can bring yourself to knock against the door. It'll follow you forever.

When you step into the room, Dr. Reid will inevitably ask why you want to join his class. And then you'll have to answer.

You exhale as you extend your arm, knuckles rapping against the wooden surface before overthinking can hurt you any further. After a brief silence, you hear a slightly muffled, "Come in."

You reach for the brass handle, pulling the door open before stepping past the doorway's threshold.

The office is comfortable, a large desk and two plush chairs manage to share the space without seeming cramped. There's a pencil holder and several stacks of papers on the desk's surface. If one ignores the degrees--and the age of the recipient when he received them--on the walls, the office seems normal. Almost suspiciously so. There's even a partially wilted plant sitting on the windowsill.

After taking in the room, you let your attention fall to the individual behind the desk. He's--he--while you've read enough about Dr. Reid to already respect him, and are fully aware that he is far from your peer, you're also now looking at him.

Last night, you did stumble onto a few pictures of him that forced you to reluctantly make a mental note of the fact that he's aesthetically pleasing, but those occasionally blurry snapshots did him and his sharp features little justice.

"Hello," the word is an instinct, slipping past your lips before you're ready to speak.

"Hi," his response is as sudden and lacking in context as your own--a fact that immediately eases you.

Dr. Reid shifts, back straightening against his seat. "You're here for your appointment." You barely have the chance to nod in confirmation before he's continuing, "Come in, take a seat."

In all honesty, you're more glad for the direction than the excuse to sit. You enter his office fully, approaching the plush chair in front of his desk. You sit down, lips parting before you're ready to speak. All structured thoughts have abandoned you.

"Hi." You realize your mistake immediately. You blink, a sound between a self deprecating laugh and a sigh escaping you. "I already said that."

If Dr. Reid thinks anything of your mistake, he gives no indication of it. His expression remains steady, with the exception of the corner of his mouth briefly tugging itself upwards.

Your hands come together on your lap, one of your nails pressing into the nail bed of the thumb on your opposite hand before forcing yourself to relax. You've read enough about his work with the FBI to know that he's so adept at analyzing behavior, you don't need to make it easy for him by giving into obvious signs of nervousness.

"Like I mentioned in my email, I'm interested in joining your class even though it's not an elective and in an entirely different department than my degree." This part is easy, a perfunctory explanation of what he already knows. "However, there is enough overlap that my advisor is supportive of the idea and has already signed off on it."

He shifts again, his pointer finger tapping against the surface of his desk. "Right, she mentioned that, but she didn't mention why."

Okay. This is the part that matters. "I'm a journalism major, and I've recently completed an internship with The Washing Sun." In an act of total self betrayal, you study his expression for any hint of recognition. Finding absolutely none makes it easier to breathe. "And spending time in such an active, journalistic environment has made me fully aware of the way that morals and personal views can complicate ethics."

You pause, pressing your lips together. "I'd like the opportunity to learn about certain behaviors in order to develop a perspective separate from my own.

Though still politely neutral, something behind Dr. Reid's eyes implies an uncertainty that has the rest of your pitch jamming itself down your throat. Whatever's changed doesn't feel like disbelief, and you're far from worried about being accused of lying. You were careful to comb through your mess of emotions before you had even pitched the idea to your advisor--you do feel those things, they're just not the only things you feel.

How delusional had you been to assume the same answers that hid their vagueness behind a heavy layer of altruism that worked on Mrs. Carol would work on a FBI profiler?

"I um--" The sound of your own voice surprises you. "I know what it's like to write something when you can't feel anything for the person everyone's already rooting against, and I'd like to not feel that again." Another glimmer of honesty, barer than your curated story, but still not exactly everything.

Dr. Reid is quiet for a moment, studying you with an openness that should make your skin crawl. "What did it feel like?"

The question throws you. Friends, family, strangers--they've all asked you things about the case, about your article, about hundreds of other things so barely connected you couldn't fathom an answer. No one has ever asked you about that feeling.

"Uh..." You're not even sure you have an answer. "Weird." Your blankness feels like such a cop out, you feel the need to try again. What did it feel like? A hybrid beast made of a festering not-quite-guilt, an over awareness of your every action, all held together by an uneasy pride...that only served to further aggravate the not guilt. "Like I was doing something right and wrong, with no way of knowing what it was more of."

You squeeze your hands together, allowing yourself to focus on the action instead of him. "I'm sorry, that probably doesn't make much sense."

When you finally lift your head, Dr. Reid is already looking at you. A moment passes, the somberness of his features growing heavier in the silence. Maybe he's looking at something past you. "It does."

The affirmation is a small, fragile thing, so faint and far away it almost feels like an intrusion to have heard it. Some selfish part of you latches onto that, his unexpected understanding a lifeline you can't let go of.

You almost thank him before realizing that you have no idea what you'd be thanking him for. "I'm glad," you settle on, fingers carefully coming apart on your lap. "The writing thing's no good if I don't make sense."

The attempt at humor seems to pull him back from wherever he had gone. "Then you have nothing to worry about." He doesn't exactly smile, but there's something easy about the way he's looking at you. "I'll approve your enrollment request."

Relief floods through you immediately. "Really?"

"Maybe it'll help you feel less...weird." From him, your too plain adjective feels a lot more fitting.

You nod once, the motion quick and polite. "Hopefully." The beat of silence that follows comes closer to kinship than anything you've ever felt in someone's office. You're also fully aware of the fact that you've gotten what you came for and that Dr. Reid is likely a very busy man. "I shouldn't take up anymore of your time."

His fingers tap against his desk. "Right. I'll see you in class."

You smile as you stand. "See you then."

The walk towards the door is a lot less intimidating now. Still, once you reach it, you can't bring yourself to immediately reach for the handle. You pause, letting out a breath before turning around. "Dr. Reid?"

He looks up, nodding once in a way that's meant to prompt you. Maybe it's overkill, but it feels necessary and it's too late to back out now. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He doesn't look away from you after responding.

There's nothing left to expect, there are no words or anything else meant to be said. That's not enough to stop some unknown feeling from wedging itself between your ribs, urging you to something, to say anything that might come close to offering him the same kind of understanding he's given you.

"I hope you find a less weird, too."

He doesn't respond, but something about the look behind his eyes and his slight nod makes you feel okay about leaving him.

----

There are few ideologies that have clung to him, and even fewer that have managed to bind themselves to some integral part of his being that exists beneath his skin.

The pursuit of knowledge is one of the few constants Spencer Reid allows himself to rely on, one of the only things he allows himself to consider a saving grace. However, circumstance has prevented his views on the subject from skewing. The irony of the fact that some things are better left unknown is not lost on him.

For example, the girl that walked into his office and immediately saw through him, is better left a mystery. He'd see her in class, he'd answer her questions, he'd grade her work and offer her necessary feedback--but he will not know her.

It's a mantra, a promise that he repeats in his head again and again as his attention falls to the desktop in front of him. He attempts to grasp onto this lack of knowledge, to transform it into a tangible entity to keep him from typing your name into the search engine.

----

a/n spencer entering his garcia era while googling reader 💻🧑‍💻

anyways in ur interested in part 2 or would like to be tagged let me know!!

[brainddeadd]

Hello there! This is my first time I am requesting something, but I came up with a Matt Rempe request: You met him some time ago. Your friends and family know you are talking and being friends with a guy, they just don’t know who. Reader is pretty strong with what their goals are and one of those is finish college and go to graduate school in another country. Reader is quite busy all the time and is determinate to achieve their dreams. Therefore they think is not appropriate to have a relationship when they know they won’t be able to commit to one in the meantime. Matt knows this and he tells reader that he will wait, even thought he just confessed. He supports the reader to achieve their goal, reader manages to do it, after some time, Matt kept his word and is still in love with them and they go full on that relationship. You can add the paparazzi craziness after they announce it and the whole thing. Also, Matt is beaming with happiness and can’t stop talking about their future together.

It’s been a wild few years since you first met Matt Rempe.

Back then, your priorities were set like stone: finish college, get into graduate school abroad, and build the career you’d dreamed of for years. Relationships? Not on your list. Even when Matt entered your life with his infectious laugh and endless support, you made it clear: your goals came first, and you weren’t ready to commit. But he’d just grinned at you, his voice warm as he’d said, “I’ll wait for you.”

You’d been skeptical. He had a rising career in hockey, a world brimming with fast-paced action and high stakes. The thought of him waiting was… well, it felt too good to be true. But he did. He checked in on your late nights, even timed calls around your study schedule, often staying up just to hear about your classes and projects, and cheering you on whenever you felt doubts creeping in.

Through grueling exams, applications, and countless sleepless nights, Matt was there, encouraging you. And somehow, that distance between you became the quiet rhythm of your friendship, blooming into a love you didn’t even realize was growing.

When you finally got accepted into grad school overseas, he’d been there on the other end of the phone, practically shouting with joy. He’d told you, “You’re doing it—you’re really doing it!” as if your dreams were as important to him as his own.

Time passed, and every time you returned home, you noticed the way his gaze softened, like he was saving that look just for you. Despite his own growing fame, he never once let his own world overshadow yours. Matt kept his promise.

Finally, after years of late-night talks, shared milestones, and enduring distance, you both knew it was time. No more holding back, no more what-ifs. The announcement took the internet by storm, and the frenzy that followed was unreal. Paparazzi swarmed, trying to get every bit of the story, and suddenly, you were both the latest headline in sports and entertainment news.

But through it all, Matt was just beaming. He couldn’t stop talking about your future together, openly sharing his excitement with anyone who asked. He’d been so patient, and now that he finally had you, he couldn’t hold back. And in his interviews and stories, there was always this glow—like he’d won the biggest game of his life.

“I always knew I’d wait for you,” he told you one evening, his hand resting over yours. "And every minute was worth it.”

Your journey together had only just begun, but this time, it was a love you could fully commit to. And as he wrapped his arms around you, whispering promises about the life you’d build together, you knew that no goal had ever felt as fulfilling as being with him.

[bristishbaddiesxox]

Still The One H.S.

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One shot!

˖ ᡣ𐭩 ⊹ ࣪ ౨ৎ˚₊✧˚ · . Summary : Mary goes out one night with her girlfriends to their local college bar when she runs into her now ex-boyfriend, Harry Styles. Alone on the balcony they talk about what went wrong and confess their true feelings for one another

-> 5.3k words

Warnings : this story is entirely fictional and contains Adult language, sexual scenes (smut), make up sex, intense arguments, drinking, smoking, etc... please read at your own risk

author's note: This one is long asf. I really hope you guys enjoy this ! this is my first one shot posted on here. This also is the first time I've published smut so... beware it might be super bad.

Tonight was the night everyone went out to the bars.Mary spent all her time doing her hair and makeup. Being a senior in college came with many challenges and the nights out with her girlfriends helped carried her through the harsh part of college. Being in pre-med came with many trials of difficult class curriculums. She was constantly stressing herself out, limiting nights out and skipping meals. She only just prayed that it'll all be worth it at the end. And now that graduation was around the corner, she finally could celebrate.

Ella had decided that they would go to a bar tonight. It'd be one of the last times that they would all be able to go to their college bar together before graduating. They were to all finally start on of the most important part of their lives and that was starting their careers that they spent the last four years working towards.

" I'm going to miss this so much," Ella sighed out while gluing on her lashes.

" I know, partying and being stupid drunk bitches," Mary replies back.

Ella and Mary had so many late night memories together. Ella was Mary's friend since freshman year. She was Mary's roommate since first semester of freshman year. They had been by each other's side all of the four years of college. Mary couldn't imagine what her four years would have been without Ella-- her twin-- her bestfriend.

" You know, what if he's there tonight?"

Mary looks up at Ella and shoots her a confused look, " What if who's there tonight?"

" You know, Harry. What if Harry is there tonight?" Ella shrugs beginning to put lipstick on.

Mary rolls her eyes, " Then he's there. It won't change anything."

Harry was Mary's now ex boyfriend. They had broken up over the summer and hadn't seen or spoken to each other since then. Occasionally, She'd see him on campus and avoid him. But overall, Mary went to the extent to keep Harry out of sight and out of mind. She couldn't sit hung up about their now past relationship.

" Would you ever get back together with him if time was right and you guys were on good terms?" Ella asks while taking a sip of her seltzer.

Mary shook her head, " I don't think so. I've gotten over it and he's for sure over it. I've been seen him with this new girl anyways. We're not going back."

Ella just slowly nodded. Mary could tell Ella didn't believe her but decided on ignoring her anyways.

When Ella and Mary had arrived to the bar, they met up with a couple of their other girlfriends who also had brought their boyfriends. They waited outside the line of the bar squealing and shouting to one another about how great the night was going to be. Mary was wearing a black tube top and denim shorts. She let her dark brown hair fall over her shoulders and layered gold jewelry around her neck. As they waited to enter the bar, all Mary could think about was what if Harry was here? Harry and her had always went to the bar together. She would remember how they would end the night at his place having the most drunken yet steamiest sex. Now he's probably doing everything they did with someone new.

The bouncer lets them in and immediately they make their way to the bar. First round was on Maddie's Boyfriend who had bought shots for the whole group.

" For my future doctor and wife, Maddie!" He cheers.

Everyone lifts their shot glass up and cheers on Maddie for getting in to med school.

Mary waves down a bartender and asks for another round of shots for her group. She also demanded for a Vodka Redbull . Ella then calls for them to hit the dance floor and dance to the music being played by the DJ. Mary hadn't had this much fun in so long. She was having time to enjoy herself and celebrate finally finishing her degree. Her arm was wrapped around her best friend Ella as they danced in the crowd. The whole night they shared laughs and took videos and pictures of each other being plastered drunk. Together they ran laps around the bar talking to different guys who had offered to buy them a shot . Mary came to realize how fun it was to be single. She could do whatever she wanted without having to worry or think about anyone else. All she had was herself to enjoy the night away.

Mary and Ella had been playing with each other and these two guys that they found at the bar. Mary could barely keep her balance but she still wanted to carry through the night. Her body was numb and her head hung dizzy. As she stumbled back she felt a cold drink splash onto her back and a glass hit the ground. Her eyes widen to her surprise and she quickly whipped around.

" Oh my god, I'm so sorry!!" She cried out immediately grabbing napkins from the counter. She was too busy trying to clean up this man black shirt that she didn't even realize who it was.

" I'll buy you a new shirt, I'm sorry again," she apologizes.

His hand then takes hers. It was warm and soft.

" Don't worry about it Mary," a familiar english voice spoke.

That's when her eyes widened and her eyes met his—his green emerald eyes. It felt almost like a reel of everything in the past rushing into her as she stood there frozen. It was him. It was Harry. She felt the whole room fall silent and herself grow small while staring up at him. He had nothing but a soft smile while looking down at her. She blinks back to reality and takes a step back. He had still been holding her hand in his while she pulled it back to herself.

" I-um. I gotta go," was all she said while turning around and pushing past people.

She found her way back to Ella who was laughing along with the two guys they were hanging out with. Ella noticed how frantic and anxious Mary had became as Mary began digging in her purse. She reassured the guys before walking to her friend who clearly wasn't okay.

" Mary are you okay?" She says putting an arm on Mary's shoulder.

Mary shook her head 'yes'.

" I just saw Harry," she blurts.

Ella's eyes widen and her mouth drops. She almost lets out this historical laugh. It was for sure that Harry would be at this bar. Harry had gone here on multiple occasions even when Him and Mary were together. But she still felt for her friend who was still suffering a broken-heart from their relationship. She recalled the nights where Mary wouldn't come out her room and how quiet and depressed she was over their breakup. It was so many stages of heartbreak she wished to never see her friend suffer in again.

" Mary, we can leave if you want," Ella softly said as she was rubbing circles around Mary's back.

" No, I'm coming back. I just need air. And then I'm coming back and we're going to go back and dance," Mary slurred her words while picking up her purse.

"Okay, I'll come with you," Ella said going to reach for her bag. But Mary stops her.

" No! Just stay here. I need a minute alone and I'll be right back," Mary says shouting through the music and crowd.

Ella nods hesitantly. She wasn't sure if she can trust Mary being alone. Especially after just watching her down a Martini.

" I'll be back, I promise." She says pulling Ella into a hug.

Mary pushes her way through the crowd and climbs up a couple steps to head the balconies on the second floor. Once opening the door she is met with the breeze that brushed upon her. She finally could breathe. She walks over to the ledge to look over the city. Boston was so beautiful at night. She begins to pull out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. But to her disappointment, she must have forgot her lighter back at her place.

" Fuck," she hisses to herself.

She goes digging in her purse once again. She didn't want to believe she left the lighter because she really just wanted to smoke. The night had gotten even more chaotic than she thought it would have.

" Thought you don't smoke," She hears the familiar voice speak again.

She stops digging in her purse. While rolling her eyes to herself she turns to face him once again. He was standing there, smoking a cigarette himself.

" I don't," she snaps.

He laughs as he makes his way over to her. She takes a step away to further the distance between them.

" Mary," He calls.

She doesn't look at him. Instead, she kept her gaze starting out into the city. Looking at him pained her. She remembered everything like it was yesterday. The day she watched his back turn and the door shut behind him. And he never came back.

" I'll light you one. It's just a small favor don't take it personally," he says handing her his lighter.

She looks down at his hand to see it was her old lighter. It had the initials H.S. On it. She wrote it on there for him. She sighs out and takes the lighter out of his hands. She held the cigarette in between her lips and begins to light it. And there she took the longest drag she could out of it.

She was in a much better mood now that she can relax and calm her nerves. Normally, she didn't smoke on a daily basis. She had quit after high school. She felt that she needed to better herself. But time after time she would smoke one just to settle her nerves. It would usually be after drinking all night which wasn't a regular occurrence.

" So, congratulations. I just want to say I'm proud of you," he says leaning over the rail looking over at her.

She kept her arms crossed and just shrugged instead of answering to his comment. Giving in would make her feel vulnerable— like she'd had given up on all the platforms she built for herself after she had healed from their past.

Harry understood it. He knew she was angry. He also knew how stubborn Mary was.

" Mary," he calls again.

She grumbled out loud turning over to him taking another drag while seeing the sight of her ex boyfriend.

" Stop, okay? Just finish your cigarette and carry on with the night," she barks.

He still approached her. Something inside his chest was burning and he was dying to let out whatever tension he had within himself. If he didn't tell her now he knew he would regret it like he did that night they broke up. He knew he messed up. He was the one to walk away and left her that night when he should have stayed and tried to work things out. He was always the one to a put up a fight and yet that night he felt short. And because of that, he dealt with days and months of not seeing her, touching her. He missed her more than anything and seeing her at the bar, hearing her say his name, he felt everything he had for her wash over him.

" Mary I miss you," he blurts.

She just shook her head staring ahead of of herself. She was still mad, he knew that. But now more than ever he wanted to fix things.

He walks over to her and grabs her shoulders whipping her around to face him. Her eyes widen and she threw her hands up and pushed him back from her. He hasn't seen her this physical.

" Don't fucking touch me Harry. You had your chance, now it's over. We're ov--"

" Don't--" he interrupts.

" Don't say that, please," his voice cracks.

" Then what do you want Harry? You left me. You were the one to call things off and now you're saying you miss me?" She scoffs before finishing off her cigarette. She tosses it to the ground and crushes it with her shoe.

" I know. I know I fucked up. I was drunk. I was stupid. I woke up the next day and realized how much I fucked up."

She doesn't say anything back. She was hugging herself as she bit her lip. And then she turned to face him as her eyes fell.

" Then why didn't come back?" was all she let out while staring at him waiting for an answer.

Harry knew he let his pride get the best of him. He knew in the end, he wanted to be with Mary more than anything yet he didn't go back because he was scared. He was scared she wouldn't take him back. And now it's been 6 months and he is far now too late to beg.

" I just thought you never wanted to see me again... like how you shouted it at me that night," he quietly answered.

They stood in silence letting the breeze brush past them. Mary just shook her head to herself, remembering the night it all ended: .　 ˚ 　. 　 ✧ 　 ˚ 　. 　 ✧ 　 ˚ 　 .　 ✧ 　. 　 ˚ 　.　 ˚ 　. 　 ✧ 　 ˚ 　. 　

Harry had came in the apartment drunk after Mary had texted him that she was tired of his bullshit. Harry was apart of a frat and made little to no time for her. It was exam week and she and him had barely spoken because she would spend all her time studying while he spent nights out partying. She wanted to support Harry but there were too many times he left her in the dark or did things that made her question her trust with him. It was until she opened her snapchat. She saw on one of his friends videos that a girl had approached Harry and her arm was around him. It made her even more furious because it was Katie Woods. Not only was she apart of the sister frat but she was the bombshell of the school. Mary only felt inferior to her whenever she saw her talk to Harry. Katie always found a way to talk to Harry and push Mary out.

" Mary, it was nothing okay? She was just there at the party and we only talked for 30 seconds it wasn't anything serious," He slurs his words.

Mary had her arms folded as she stared at Harry in disbelief. She couldn't believe the first thing he didn't do was apologize.

" You know what, I'm done. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you invalidating me about how she's all over you! And when there is a video of her arms wrapped around you, and you still want to deny it all!"

" Mary, I don't know how else to tell you that it's nothing. You're my girlfriend, you're the one I come home to every night, you're the one I want to be with," He sighs out reach his hands out to pull Mary close to him.

Instead, she just pushed his hands back and stood back. Her eyes were heavy with dark circles from hours of studying and staring at her laptop. Her hair was clipped up yet small strands hung loose. She was still in her pajamas from the previous night.

She turned and walked away with disappointment in her sigh. Where were they in their relationship? They were constantly arguing, he was falling short not coming to see her when she really wanted to. And when she went to go out and eat he was always late. What happened to them? She wanted to know where did everything start to fall apart?

" You don't believe me," he scoffs turning to face the other way threw his hands up to cup the back of his head.

" We've been together for nearly 3 years now, what makes you not trust me now?" He snaps.

Mary knew Harry was drunk but never has she ever seen him angry while drunk. Harry didn't often get angry around her. He always was composed and when they did argue he never rose his voice. But she can sense with this argument he was a lot more angrier then he ever had been.

" You never answer my calls," she says quietly. She felt like passing out.

" I'm not constantly sitting around. I don't have my phone and my laptop on me like you do at all times."

And this time, Mary too was losing patience. It takes one simple thing to ruin it all and she let Harry do multiple.

" You know what Harry, fuck you. Go back to your frat and this time you can go back without a girlfriend!" She barks.

That's when Harry's eyes widen at her response. He was very much even more provoked than he initially was. And Mary wanted to keep pushing him. She was tired of being the one who felt hurt, neglected, and always having to forgive Harry for his mistakes.

" I'm sick of this. You never even text to check on me. You give me the most simple dry responses. I'm so fucking stressed and tired and my boyfriend, someone I want to just simply acknowledge me can't because he doesn't want to take a simple 5 minute break to text his long-term girlfriend." She hissed.

" You know what, I'm sick of you always blaming me. It's always my fault when things don't go your fucking way Mary. It's not like I do this all the damn time. Most days, I'm with you! I do everything with you and I. always. choose. you." He shouted back.

Her hands were clenching her hair as if she were about to go insane. She was just going to go in circles with Harry because he was drunk and was more angry than he could think at the moment.

" You know what. Get out." She says pointing at the door.

" What?" He says tilting his head looking at her in disbelief.

" Get. out. I don't want to see you tonight." She grits through her teeth at him.

" No, I'm not fucking leaving," He protests.

" Harry I can't do this right now! you're fucking drunk, you reek of alcohol!"

" Holy shit Mary, fine you don't want to see me then that's fine," he says throwing his hands up in defeat and walking out the door.

As she hears his foot steps fade she hears a buzz. It was his phone that was on her dresser. She walks over to pick it up so that she can give him his phone. When the screen lit up it showed her the contact. It read Katie. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped. She felt her eyes water and tears fall down her cheeks. Never in a million years did she suspect that Harry would cheat on her. But the messages she read proved her otherwise.

Katie: Where did you go?

Katie: She doesn't have to know.

Harry walks back into the room mid sentence about to grab his phone until he saw Mary's face.

" Babe, wh- what happened?" he says approaching her.

She throws his phone at him and begins shoving him out of her room.

" Get the fuck out. I can't believe you right now!" she cries out through her tears.

" Mary! Please calm down what the fuck happened?" He says picking up his phone as he held his hand out for her to stop.

" She's fucking text you? Asking where you are? What is it that I don't have to know Harry? "

Harry looks down dumbfounded by the messages. He knew what the text were for but Mary had already taken them personally and was far more angry than she already was.

" Mary, it's not what you think," he says trying to calm her down but she wouldn't budge.

" No, don't fucking touch me. Get the fuck out Harry."

She was now repeatedly pushing him to the door.

" Mary-"

" Get out Harry! I don't want to see you. I don't want to hear from you or see you ever again," she sobbed.

" You know what. fine! You won't see me again. We're done." he shouted at her before simply turning and walked out the door.

Mary just slumped to the ground and sobbed. Harry was gone. Harry left. She didn't know what to do. she didn't know what to feel. Her body was riddled with so many emotions that all she could do was cry out her pain.

 After that night, Harry didn't call nor text her. She starred at her phone endlessly. She wanted to say something but in reality she shouldn't be pushing for Harry to reach out to her. Maybe he really meant what he said to her that night. And for days after this she just had to push through and heal from all of that night... .　 ˚ 　. 　 ✧ 　 ˚ 　. 　 ✧ 　 ˚ 　 .　 ✧ 　. 　 ˚ 　.　 ˚ 　. 　 ✧ 　 ˚ 　. 　 ✧ 　 ˚ 　 .　 ✧ 　. 

 Mary closed her eye to the thought of that night. That night was one of the biggest fights they had ever had. She remembered the days that came after it. She had a hard time sleeping and eating. She struggled to get through her classes. She hated being anywhere but her bedroom where she could hide away and sob her feelings out.

Harry recalled the days after the fight too. Each time he walked passed her building trying to build to courage to walk up and say he was sorry. But he couldn't. He didn't believe he could after what he did to her. He knew he treated her so unfairly. And that was apart of what held him back -- his guilt.

" I'm sorry," he suddenly blurts.

" I'm sorry for being so fucking stupid. You were going through a lot and I just downplayed it. I took everything for granted when I shouldn't have. I-I blew it. I ruined it all because I was being selfish," he says as he was now closer to her than he initially was.

She didn't back away, she just looked up at him.

" It's been six months and you're still the one," he continued.

" You're the one--"

He was suddenly cut off by Marys hands pulling his face down to kiss him. His hands naturally go to cup her cheeks as he deepened their kiss. It was as if it's been years and he had been craving to feel her lips again. He kissed her hungrily, tasting every bit of her that he had missed. And when they pulled away, he could see the tears in her eyes.

" And I should have told you I wanted you back," she says beginning to cry.

Harry didn't hesitate to pull her into his embrace. She cried into his chest while his chin rested on the top of her head. He held her tight, so tight that she wouldn't be able to push herself away. Harry wasn't going to lose her again. He wasn't going to let her leave. This night and from this day forward, he was going to put up a fight. Because in the end, he couldn't be without Mary. She was the love of his life.

Harry had brought Mary back to his place since he had moved out of his previous apartment with his frat roommates. He now had lived alone. Mary trailed behind him with their hands still interlocked. He couldn't help but to smile to himself. Mary smelled of perfume and alcohol but to him he was happy that she was out and enjoying herself. She looked a lot happier.

" So this is my flat. It's just me who lives here," He says holding his arm out to gesture to his living room.

Mary laughed, " I like it, it's so you."

There was a moment of silence while he stood grinning over at Mary. She was finally at his place. She was finally talking to him. He just had to get her back into his life.

" And I just need you in it," He smirks, pulling Mary into a long, passionate deep kiss.

Her arms go to wrap around his neck as she kissed him back. Slowly, they step into his bedroom not breaking their kiss. She dropped her bag on the ground. He tossed his coat to the side. She quickly took off her coat and he pulled the hair tie that held her hair up gently out. Soon they were back all over each other. Mary hadn't felt Harry's hands all over her in so long that she was getting slightly impatient. She pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it to the side. Harry was eyeing the black sheer lacy bra that she had on.

He picked her up and planted her onto of his dresser, leaving wet soft kisses from her neck, trialing down right above her most sensitive part. His hands pull the denim shorts down and he felt himself twitch the lacy black thong she had on. She sat there with her legs slightly parted, eyeing Harry as she waited for his next move.

He then stood in between her legs, and planted his lips onto hers as his hand went down to rub the thin cloth that separated her most vulnerable spot and his fingers. She lets out a deep moan into their kiss as Harry let his fingers play with her. For a second, she had to moan into the crevices of his neck as her hand went down to rub against his now harden bulge. He then wiggled his fingers in between her thong and let them slip into her, causing her to dip her head into his neck again and let out a cry. He went slowly in and out, kissing her on her neck, kissing her on her forehead and lips.

Mary can feel herself edge closer. She was going insane with how much she wanted Harry to ruin her. She so horny that she felt that she needed more than just his fingers inside of her. She wanted more. She wanted to be ruined with her makeup smeared everywhere. Inside her head she knew that no one else could make her feel the way Harry made her feel.

" Harry please," She's breathes.

" Please what baby?" He says while looking down at her while increasing the way his fingers flowed in and out of her.

" Please fuck me!" She cries out as her hands go to clutch onto his shoulder.

" Tell me how, how do you like it baby?" He smirks down at her as his fingers were nearly soaked at how wet she was for him.

" Like, like how you would bend me over and pound into me, I want- I want you to fuck me hard Harry," she struggles to say as she was feeling her body grow weak to his touch.

Harry pulled his fingers out and pulled her in for another kiss while unclipping her bra and tossing it to the ground. He eyes her first while watching how her hair fell right on top of her breast and hardened nipples. He then picked her up from the dresser and threw he onto his bed. He slowly goes to pull her lacy thong down exposing all of her to him. He crawls on top of her, beginning with a long passionate kiss to her lips and then trailing all the way down to her cl!t. He began to paint her with his tongue. To him, she tasted sweet like honey, sweet and sour like oranges. Mary felt this euphoric feeling travel up her as her hands were buried in his curly locks.

" Yes Harry! Just like that!" She moans out.

Harry pulls away, now unbuckling his belt and letting his pants fall to his ankles. He kicks them off before pulling down his boxers to reveal and long hardened cock.

He climbs over Mary and aligns himself at her entrance. And places a couple more kisses on her lips while rubbing the tip of his length in between her folds. And that's when he pushes himself in and Mary lets out a loud moan. Slowly he goes in and out, letting her adjust to him. They both were panting, breathing out hot breathes as he thrusted into her. Her hands were clenching his back as his strokes were slow but went in deep. Each thrust, she felt this high that made her bite her lip and moan out each time. Something that she never forgot about Harry was that his sex was pure ecstasy. She was feeling all kinds of highs whenever he fucked her.

Harry didn't quicken his pace and her eyes rolled back as she whimpered. He kept it slow and intimate all while planting long firm kisses on her lips and feeling the vibrations of her moans travel through him. Mary meant the most to him and he wanted her to feel that. Each thrust he poured all his love for Mary. Seeing her unveiled and watching her unfold under him, it made him feel at the top of the world. His hand rested on her hips when ever he would thrust harder just to hit the right spot. She was a moaning mess and he thought it was the hottest thing.

Together they were going to reach their highs. Her legs began to convulse and she was now shaking underneath him. He was letting out deep groans and raspy moans as he began to pound into her. The bed began to bang against the wall and Mary was letting out a high pitched whimper.

" Fuck, I'm going to cum," Harry growls

And once it finally hit, he felt himself collapse onto of her, slowly and sloppily thrusting into her. He kissed her and brushed her hair back as she came down for her high. He held her close until her body relaxed. And when they finally settled, he pulled out and got out of the bed to go to the bathroom.

Mary was still slumped and recovering from the intensity of her orgasm. But she watched Harry as he cleaned up and grabbed a towel. When he came back, he helped her wipe herself before getting back into the bed with her and pulling her to lay against his chest.

They laid in silence against each other as his hands brushed through her hair. He smiled at how messy it still was from their night of fun.

" Mary?" He called out.

" Mm," was all she replied back.

" That night Katie Texted, she texted me about her friend who she didn't want know that she was out that night. I was initially was suppose to give her and Damien a ride, they had been seeing each other. But I got the text and rushed over to you instead."

Mary looked at him, almost with guilt in her eyes. She knew she should have listened to Harry that night. They both should have listened to each other.

" But it doesn't matter, I didn't listen to what you had to say and how you felt. I was a shitty boyfriend and it was no wonder you thought that after the video. But just know Mary... I love you and I'd never do that to you."

She smiled and pulls him down to give him a kiss. She still loved Harry all this time. Even if she kept denying it she knew deep down she wouldn't have been able to push Harry away again.

" I quit the frat, I've focused on school, I got this internship at a publishing firm. I've changed Mary believe me. I changed in hopes that I'd see you and you'd come back..." he trails

Her hand goes to cup his cheek and leans in to peck his lips.

" We'll just have to start over and work things out," she simply replied.

He smiles and plants another kiss on her lips. They continued to make out, their hands cupping each other's cheeks.

" We going for round two?" she asks in between their kiss.

Harry pulls away laughing while putting her to have her sit on his lap.

" Will you be able to walk tomorrow?" He says interlocking their hands.

" I have nothing to do tomorrow, we can stay in bed all day," She grins.

Without hesitation he throws her down back on the bed and began to shower her with kisses.

" I'll be more gentle this time." he smirks. 

From then on, the past was past. Living is to forget. Being able to forget is to learn. Harry and Mary took time to understand each other more and chose their priorities for one another. In the end, Harry was more than happy to be able to call Mary his girlfriend once again. 

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for editing my sister’s college essay?

[☀️🛟🎓 to find it later]

I (22f) have a younger sister (17f) applying to college this fall. Her english class recently gave an assignment that was essentially “write your common app”. For context, I am known for editing college application essays, I have done so for several family friends, and I don’t pull punches. As such, I asked if I could help edit her essay, and she agreed.

It was a great essay!! I helped her out with some smaller grammatical things and to tighten up sentences, and she submitted the class assignment.

Here’s where I may be the asshole. Later that night I kept rereading the essay, and I noticed a few issues in the middle portion. I wound up heavily editing the essay on my own document to make the emotions came across clearer and to tie in some key metaphors.

The next day, I wound up asking if I should share this document with her, and she ended up agreeing. I tried to give her an out because I could tell she was a bit annoyed, but she insisted that I share it now that I brought it up. Immediately after I shared it she called me crying, saying that she felt as though I had steamrolled over her work. She was sad because she liked it, and angry that I butted in. To be frank, I did inject too much of my own voice into this rewritten essay.

My sister has admitted to feeling very pressured when compared to me, as I achieved a lot academically and have a steady career. My parents and I have tried to reassure her that she is not expected to emulate me, but no matter how many times we say it, she won’t internalize that I am NOT a bar she needs to measure up to. She doesn’t seem to realize that I struggled and failed so many times in so many ways b/c she didn’t actually see it; she was too young at the time.

I want her to grow beyond what I could achieve, and I want her to be confident in herself. She’s incredibly smart, but she thinks I’m smarter because we have different strengths and she devalues her own.

I feel guilty because it was not my intention to “lord over her” by writing her essay “better”; our writing styles are different, but her essay came across as dry and I wanted to give an example of how she could inject more emotion into the turning point, which is arguably the most important part of a college essay. However, I fear she took it badly, and I should have been more careful given how she views me.

I really don’t want her to make the same mistakes I did with my college applications, and I know that getting into college has become incredibly difficult post-pandemic. Objectively, some of her test scores are below where mine were, and her extracurriculars, while good, are slightly “less” than what her peers are doing (our high school is extremely competitive) so I want to ensure her essays are as polished and punchy as possible to give her the best shot at getting into the colleges she wants. We’re not hiring any college application tutors, so I’m the only major mentor she has for this, since our parents did not attend college in the US.

My sister and I def talked it out and we both apologized to each other, so we’re all good. I admitted to being too pushy, she admitted to not handling criticism well and putting me on a pedestal, and we both agreed to handle essay help differently in the future.

AITA here? On the one hand, I was harsh in my delivery and should have given her more opportunity to edit using her voice instead of forcibly tossing mine into the mix. One the other hand, college apps are getting tougher and tougher and she needs as much help as she can get (not a dig at her intelligence, everyone needs help these days). Though sis and I worked it out, I’m curious to know what the general opinion is.

[mikuni14]

I Hear The Sunspot - Ep 10

I won't lie if I say that series that create dramas out of nothing, creating problems and scenarios that are far removed from the ordinary lives of millions of people around the world, kind of annoy me 🙃 Kohei and Taichi's relationship is getting more and more weird and unnatural, and they had such a good flow in episodes 1-6. Taichi, who didn't allow any bullshit and openly confronted Kohei and everyone he met, is now unable to communicate. Kohei, who had a tendency to blurt out confessions about his feelings, is now unable to communicate. We also had scenes of them being shy, hiding, which were eventually resolved by contacting/meeting/ even visiting home, and we keep going back to the same point over and over again. Although that's not even it: I complained about the repetition, but now they're back to a point where they never even were. Besides, I really have the impression that the series creates artificial drama, the lack of communication has reached astronomical proportions, they either do not talk to each other AT ALL, and when they meet for a second, when they are not with Maya, they barely talk about important stuff, which was not a problem for them before. They cannot talk, they cannot make an appointment and meet with each other alone like adults, they do not use phones, they cannot get rid of Maya for 5 seconds.

I am generally furious with Kohei that he cannot once and properly put Maya down for her words and behavior towards Taichi, if someone spoke shit like that about someone I like - not even my close friend or crush, and someone like that is supposedly Taichi for Kohei - we would have a serious conversation about it: either stay and shut the fuck up, or leave.

I absolutely hate how Maya described Taichi not knowing him at all and how Kohei immediately thought of it when he saw Taichi making a decision about his life, career and future. What the actual FUCK. Am I the only one who sees Taichi's life as being quite lonely and supporting himself and going to college and working and helping Kohei? And how he has to think about himself and his future because he has no supportive parents and no one will do it for him? How can anyone even think of him as doing it all thoughtlessly or on purpose? Or that he "abandons Kohei" because he is a stupid and cruel person who never cared? ☹

What is the point of this BL at all, since there has been no BL for the last 4 episodes, and the main characters are drifting further and further away from each other with each episode. Why don't they struggle with all these adversities, problems TOGETHER. What is the point of all this, since there is no "togetherness" in it! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I just... I just love Kohei so much and he seems very lonely to me now. I started shipping him with Chiba-kun ngl, with whom he currently has the most chemistry and scenes lmao

On the one hand, it's not so good that the grandfather isn't more helpful and advising on the young man's important life decisions, on the other hand, the fact that he doesn't make a drama out of these decisions is a big relief for him 😊 Even if Taichi makes a bad decision, he'll have a place to go back to and he'll have the support of his grandfather, who won't make him feel bad about it or say "I told you so". Taichi is still young, he can do whatever he wants, he can go back to college someday, these are no longer the times when people had to make the most important life decisions before the age of 25, which were also irreversible. I think it was a good scene.

But what's worst about all this is that the series got itself tangled up in its own plot, because we don't have a single hint since ep 6 that Taichi is responding to Kohei's feelings, so this whole drama makes no sense. Since they have nothing in common romantically, if they want, they can meet up after work/school (although they haven't managed to do that yet lol) as friends, write to each other (also something they can't do) and live their own lives. Kohei can meet up with Maya since he prefers her company anyway, and Taichi can pursue his career. After all - there is no BL in this BL, so why the drama?

This show has become such a mess. But it would still be a "managable" mess if Kohei and Taichi had more than one scene per episode where something actually happened between them. And we didn't even have the aftermath of the famous "what if I didn't hate it". Like it never happened...

[itslottiehere]

i don’t wanna hear about him — h.s

hello beautiful people 🤍 welcome back! i know it’s been a while! but now, i present you a one shot i’m veryyy proud of, and hopefully you’ll find it to your liking as well <3 it’s inspired by harry’s unreleased song, “him.” just fyi, there won’t be a part two of this! as always, please let me know what you think! you can do so in your reblogs, in your tags, or in my asks! your feedback means the world to me. so, without further ado, happy reading! <3

— inspired by “him”, by harry styles

tw: some swear words

word count: 13.5k of pure angst (please get something to drink and tissues)

masterlist | leave your feedback or requests here

6 years before the day.

when harry told her that they were going to attend the same college, she couldn’t believe him. she was sure harry was gonna take a gap year or something, travel around the world, make experiences. all the while she would wait for him patiently, like she always did.

falling for your best friend isn’t the smartest idea, anyone would tell you that. a little of a cliché too, perhaps. but there was nothing she could do against those feelings: they planted their seeds deep into her heart, and bloomed. and they kept doing so.

now, three years into their college career, those feelings had developed deep roots, and it seemed like nothing was ever gonna eradicate them. 

but it was fine, she kept telling herself: it hurt, of course it did, but at least she had harry in her life, in some way. there was only one thing of the utmost importance: not letting harry find out. 

she knew that if he found out, he would run. that’s what he did every time he was faced with difficult situations, and god if this wouldn’t be one. 

so she learned how to mask those feelings, and she got pretty good at that over the course of the years. she couldn’t stand even thinking about not having him in her life, especially as a friend, so if all it took was bottling up her feelings, she would gladly do so. 

harry was happy: he was having fun in college and was seeing people whenever he wanted to, enjoying being a bachelor more than anything. and he was in college with his best friend, who was always there to play with his hair whenever he asked her to. he liked the comfort she brought him, and that’s why he didn’t really stop to think about what it could feel like for her, if it had a different meaning for her.

she’d always look at him as if he put the stars in the sky for her, she had nothing but love for him in those eyes. even if she tried sparing glances at him whenever he wasn’t looking, everyone around her noticed. and every time, harry didn’t. 

or that was what she had always thought. 

actually, and unfortunately, harry did notice, but didn’t know what to do, how to bring up such a topic with a person who he only saw as the best of friends, but nothing more than that.

and maybe, just maybe, he was so arrogant that he loved the attention and didn’t want to deal with the consequences of actually talking about it. 

—

5 years before the day.

graduating was scary for her, almost terrifying. 

a new beginning, once again. not knowing where life would take her, once again. 

and the nagging thought that kept her awake at night, the ones she spent listening to sad love ballads about failed relationships and missed opportunities: would harry still be in her life? she couldn’t help but think that he would move on, and leave her behind on his way to his new life, a memory of his younger years, of the life he wanted to move on from.

harry, on the other hand, was giddy. he didn’t know what the future would hold for him and he couldn’t help but think how exciting this was: a new start, endless possibilities for him to take, no matter how good or bad. “bring it”, he thought. 

she started working at a little coffee shop, just to do something after graduation. she could afford a very small apartment, but didn’t care, because it was something that was finally hers, and she was extremely proud of it. 

harry liked it too, and bought her a plant and a bottle of cheap champagne the day she got the keys.

“to our new lives”, he toasted, raising his glass.

“to going forward”, she added, a whole different meaning to her words from what harry may have thought. 

she really did have a plan to move forward. she knew she had to, the whole thing was becoming more ridiculous each day that passed: harry looked at her as a friend, and that was okay. he had been dating all throughout college, saw people all the time, and she had no real reason to wait for him, not when she knew things wouldn’t ever change. 

if only she had ever caught a glimpse of him looking at her the way she looks at him, or a certain touch that could give her even the littlest doubt of him having feelings. 

but that didn’t happen, not in high school, not in college. and it was just never gonna happen. she just had to make peace with it. 

and she was trying to: she had met a guy, named noah. he came into the coffee shop one afternoon, all wet from the rain. with a tired smile he came up to the counter, and when he looked at her, she could’ve sworn his eyes lit up a little. 

he had a goofy grin on his face, his hair sticking to his forehead, and after he mulled a bit on what to order, glancing at the board, he looked back at her and asked her to make him her favorite drink. 

she nodded, smiled at him, and told him he could take a seat at a table and wait for her to bring him his order. he smiled again, and went to sit down. 

he stayed for a while, almost up until closing time. before going away, noah came up to the counter and kindly asked her “do you happen to have a pen?”. she picked one up and handed it to him, and not even after twenty seconds, he came up to her again, thanked her and gave her the pen back. but not only that: there was also a napkin with his phone number scribbled on it. 

she smiled and heard the little bell of the door ringing. 

she thinks she will call him.

this had happened about a couple of weeks before. harry didn’t know about noah yet.

— 

4 years and 9 months before the day.

she couldn’t believe that she actually started dating someone. it was going slowly, but it was nice. noah was good, he made her laugh and was plenty nice, and as much as this sucked to say, if harry wasn’t going to be her person, then maybe she could be happy with noah. 

harry heard about this noah guy a couple of times. she seemed really fond of him, and he can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. she looked happier then he has seen her in a while. maybe she’s moving on, and she deserved it, he thought.

is she really moving on?

— 

4 years and 6 months before the day.

she really didn’t want to do this. fighting with harry was her least favorite thing to do. 

they kinda lost track on each other in those three months: things began to get more serious with noah, and she actually understood that noah wasn’t second best to harry. he was just another best. 

it was a safe love, a sure one; a place where she didn’t have to wonder if that touch was something more than just that, because she knew it was. 

it’s nice, she thought, to know that you love and are loved back. it’s nice.

so she put all her energies into that relationship, and she was very glad she did: it felt somewhat refreshing, to finally come out of the shadows, to finally put herself first.

but that didn’t mean she expected her best friend of almost 10 years to move across the globe and not tell her. 

he told her by text. a week before he’s supposed to leave.

she told him countless times that some things are not things he was supposed to tell via text messages, and he knew how much she hated it. 

“sometimes you gotta suck it up, be brave and tell someone what the deal is.” she always told him. apparently, she spoke in vain.

“Hi! I know this is kind of out of the blue, but I’m moving back to London next week. I don’t know for how long yet, I guess I’ll make the decision once I’m there, but I wanted to ask you if you want to have a coffee or something before I go, and if so, to let me know. I get that you’re busy now.”

she felt like the last line was probably a bit passive aggressive, but she quickly discarded the idea: he had no reason to be acting like that. yes, she had been busy with noah and with her life for once, and she didn’t give him her undivided attention. so was that it? was that the reason he never brought this up before?

before she could even register what she was doing, she was putting her shoes on and grabbing her car keys.

a loud knock from the door had harry look up from his halfway done suitcase. his phone, resting on the nightstand, unlocked, open on their chat. 

he couldn’t believe she left him on read. he thought news like that, of him leaving for god knew how long, would be enough to at least get a little of her attention. but alas, he was wrong.

he didn’t know whether he was feeling more sad or disappointed, or angry. why did things had to change? why does he feel a weight on his chest every time she turns down a chance to hang out because she already had plans with noah? why was he feeling like that?

and as always, when things got too hard, what did he do? run. and that was the exact same thing he was doing then.

the pounding on the door didn’t let up, so he said loudly: “give me a second, i’m coming.”

he jogged to the door and opened it, not even having the time to actually understand what was happening: she stormed in, moving to stand into his living room, her arms crossed and the most furious look harry had ever seen on her face. 

he was a bit shocked to see her there, in a place she hadn’t been to in almost three months. he didn’t really know what to say.

“hi.” harry said almost questioningly.

“you’re leaving for london for you don’t know how long and you didn’t even have the gall to tell me in person?” she was practically seething, her face stony, but her eyes burning into his.

“i-uh, i knew you were-“

“don’t even try to repeat that “i’ve been busy”. you know it’s a big change, a fucking huge one, and you choose to tell me in a fucking text?” the volume of her voice was increasingly raising. “what is wrong with you?”

that set harry off. “what is wrong with me?” he stepped forward. “am i the one who disappeared on you for three months? am i the one who ignored you the few times we actually got to hang out because i was too distracted by my boyfriend, who couldn’t help but text me while he knew i was out?” he was almost screaming, a tone of his voice she had never heard before, and hoped she never had to again. 

even if she didn’t know if there was anything else left to be said between them after this fight.

“you are-“ she scoffed. “you are something else.” 

she often told him that phrase, whenever he did or said something she couldn’t believe, but it was always followed by a laugh. this time, though, a laugh was the last thing on her mind. 

“when for once in- what, almost 10 years of friendship - i stop putting you on a fucking pedestal and put myself first, you start acting like a spoiled little kid? really?” she was in disbelief, she couldn’t believe the audacity he had to say that.

“i’m not-”

“oh but you are, you fucking are. and you know what makes my blood boil?” she paused and almost murmured her next words. “the fact that you never realized that you pulled this shit on me all the time, every single time you got into a relationship: once you’d find a partner, you’d put me on the back burner. and what did i always do?” she pointed her finger towards him for the next sentence. “i’d always let you. wanna know why? because i knew that once you get into a relationship, you need to cut some time with just the other person. and i always let you do whatever you wanted, never once complaining.” 

she shook her head, closed her eyes, and went on. “and now that i am the one in a relationship with a guy who loves me, who makes me feel happy and safe, who i’m sure is not gonna bolt as soon as i don’t give him my undivided attention, you’re here pointing your finger at me because you haven’t been my priority these last couple of months?” if she hadn’t closed her eyes, she would’ve seen harry visibly cringing at the concept of “love” associated by her to noah. even he couldn’t really understand why it hit him so hard.

“let me just-” he tried to talk back but was once again interrupted by her.

“no, i won’t let you, because i don’t need to hear anything from you: the way you behaved in making such a life changing decision already told me a lot of how highly you think of me.” the phrase was dowsed in sarcasm. 

she went towards the door, grabbed the handle and as she was about to walk out of that apartment and possibly his life, she turned back and told him one last thing. “i guess it’s good to know who’s the one who’s always gonna leave at the littlest inconvenience.”

she slammed the door on her way out.

she walked home, silent and angry tears streaming down her face. she had never been that mad in her life, and especially never with harry, but no matter how angry she felt, she was at least twice as sad. she was always afraid of this happening, of them on not being friends and going their separate ways, and knowing her biggest fear had become a horrible reality, was making her spiral. 

she knew her anger was her mind’s way of softening the blow, of making her think that somehow she wasn’t the reason she was gonna lose her best friend, that harry made the decision for the both of them by hiding the move from her.

she knew all of this, and her anger quickly dissipated, leaving room for pure sadness to take over. 

grabbing her phone, she quickly typed a message.

to noah:

“can’t come out tonight, i'll see you later”

noah responded almost immediately. 

“Oh okay, that’s fine! If you need anything, I’m right here for you :)”

yeah, he was there. he was the one who was staying. 

she put her phone away, and kept walking home.

harry stayed put on that spot right outside the living room for at least 5 minutes after she left. 

she left, she left, she left.

he didn’t know what he was feeling. jealousy, anger, sadness, disappointment, surprise, resentment, regret, shame of himself, he was feeling it all.

he hated that she didn’t let him talk, that she didn’t let him explain why he was leaving. 

but when he actually thought about it, what was he gonna tell her? why was he really leaving? was it really the grad school he applied to? couldn’t he find one just as good there? did he really have to put all that distance between them to attend some school?

he knew the answer. he knew, but running away was easier than facing the truth.

he went back to his room, head hanging low, not sure on what to do. he walked in and looked at the half made bag, the clothes messily thrown in there.  he sighed, picked it up and moved it from the bed. he went to get his journal, hidden in the little drawer of his nightstand. 

it was an old leather journal, one he had ever since he was a teen, a place for him to express himself in a way that he couldn’t do with simple sentences and words, where he could scribble all kind of thoughts, draw some doodles, write some quotes from someone else that he liked, and sometimes some of his own. 

he chose a blank page, picked up his pen, and started writing what he couldn’t tell her, what he could barely admit to himself.

“so you were right, there’s always two:

the one who stays, and the one who’s leaving you.

hear me out, my apologies,

‘cause i’m not here for sympathy.”

—

4 years and 5 months and 3 weeks before the day.

he was leaving in a matter of hours. she knew that, but her pride still wouldn’t let her make the first step. during that week, she got to know the reason why he was leaving, thanks to an old classmate who somehow found out: he got into an amazing grad school, and she immediately knew there was no reason for him to turn down such an opportunity.

she knew she didn’t let him explain why he was leaving, and she regretted that, but that didn’t change the main problem: he was mad at her because she stopped being at his beck and call. he was so used to her putting him first than anyone else — especially herself — and now that she didn’t, he behaved like a spoiled little kid.

harry knew how much she cared for him, and how she would’ve dropped anything if he was ever in need. he knew and he used that knowledge somewhat against her: it felt like he saw as an ornament, that he could put up on a shelf and leave there to collect dust when he was bored and pick her back up once he was done with other ornaments. she felt disposable. she felt that that’s what she was to harry. 

she tried, she tried so hard to convince herself that it wasn’t the case, that harry missed her because he cared about her as a person and not because he saw her as someone he was used to.

but he was leaving in a matter of hours, and she didn’t hear from him ever since she stormed out of his apartment.

it was around 2am, and sleep just wouldn’t come to her. she didn’t know at what time his flight would leave, if he packed all the things if he was gonna need, if he remembered to pack the journal she has seen plenty of times but was never lucky enough to read. she knew it was like a safety blanket for him, that he brought it with him basically anywhere.

she kept turning in her bed, not able to find a comfortable position. she sighed, turned on her right side and faced the window of her bedroom. the sky was a deep blue, but clear. 

“maybe the flight will be smooth, then” she thought. 

she sighed, closed her eyes and begged sleep to come, but her mind was racing, mostly with the knowledge that her best friend was gonna leave and maybe never come back. and that he didn’t even think about apologizing to her, that he’d rather leave everything than face-

the sound of something hitting her bedroom window stopped her train of thoughts. was it hailing? no, it couldn’t be, the sky was clear.

she groaned and got up from her bed, put her arms around herself to somewhat maintain a little of the warmth she had in bed, and walked to look outside her window.

and who could be there, if not her dumbass of a best friend?

harry crouched down to pick up a few more pebbles, not ones big enough to break her window or else she would have a whole other reason to hate him.

his flight was at 10, so he still had a little time left and he couldn’t go away before seeing her. it was hard for him, to admit that he was in the wrong, that he was such an arrogant son of a bitch that he’d rather lose his best friend than admit he was jealous.

not that he’d admit that to her, he knew that much. but he also knew he had to apologize, even if it was at the last second.

once he found some good pebbles, he stood up and was getting ready to throw one once again. but at the window stood her, in her plaid pjs bottoms, looking at him.

he gave her a timid smile, and she gestured with her hand for him to come upstairs. 

she waited at her door, not knowing what to do. what was she gonna say? was it gonna be a nice moment or was it gonna be another fight? why was she feeling anxious with harry, the one person she never felt anxious with? she didn’t like feeling like this, not at all.

harry was waiting at her doorstep. if it was a different occasion, he would’ve used the set of keys she had made for him; but this wasn’t that kind of occasion, and maybe at the end of this night, if it didn’t go as he planned, he would’ve had to leave them there. he shook his head, trying to clear his mind, and raised his fist to knock on the door, but it opened before he could make contact with it. 

she stood there, almost timidly, unsure of what was gonna happen. 

“hi.” he murmured.

she finally looked at him, her eyes tired, but, heartbreakingly enough for harry, not with sleep. “hi. please, come in.” she moved aside, and let him in.

harry murmured a small /‘thank you’/,  and moved inside. he was standing right in the middle of the room, not knowing where to go, not knowing if he was even welcome in that place anymore. 

she looked at him kinda funnily, tilted her head and said: “you know you can also not stand there like a statue and-”

“i’m sorry. i’m so fucking sorry, darling.” he murmured, shaking his head slightly. “i’ve been a shit friend and what i did is awful, and i know this apology doesn’t mean anything, but-”

“harr-” she tried to interrupt.

“no, please, let me talk this time.” he said, and moved to sit on the couch. “you were right, i behaved like a brat. i’ve never done anything this wrong before, i know i screwed up and i know i let you down.” he took a deep breath. “i just want you to know that i’m not moving because of you and noah, but because i got accepted in this school in london,-”

“i- uh, i know.” she gulped. “congratulations.” 

he was kind of surprised, “oh, you know?” she nodded. “well, yeah- so i got into this school and i was very happy about it, but it killed me that i couldn’t celebrate that with you. and i’m not saying it was your fault, because it was definitely mine: i wanted you to be around 24/7 like it always has been and it was wrong of me. i’m happy for you and noah seems like an amazing guy, and you deserve nothing less. i’m so sorry.” he ended, looking deep into her eyes.

she went to sit down next to him, “can i talk now?” he nodded. “i accept your apology. i know it was hard for you to admit you were wrong, and i really appreciate it.” she took a breath. “i’m sad you didn’t tell me, yes. but what hurts me the most was feeling like i was disposable to you.” 

harry winced at that. “please, don’t say that, you’re killing me.”

she turned around to face him better. “i’m sorry, but it’s true, that’s how i felt. i know you don’t see me that way, i know it now, but it sure felt like it. to me, it was /‘hey, i’m moving to this cool place for however long and i didn’t care about telling you until the last second. see ya!’/” she took a breath, and went on. “but i’m glad you came here, and that you said all the things you said. thank you.”

harry lowered his head. “you shouldn’t have to thank me.” he murmured. “you didn’t deserve the way i treated you.”

“yeah,” she nodded, “you’re right, i didn’t. but you apologised and i accepted it. so now instead of being all sad, why don’t you tell me more about this fancy school?” she smiled, getting more comfortable on the couch. 

he smiled right back at her, and started talking about what the future had in store for him.

we’ll be alright, he thought.

they kept talking all night, laughing at the memories and full of faith in the future. harry stayed there as long as he could, soaking up all of /her/ he could get, but around 5am, their time was up: harry had to get ready for the airport, and she had to open at the coffee shop in a couple of hours.

“so” he gulped, “i guess this is goodbye.” 

“c’mon harry, don’t be so sad.” she smiled softly, although she was breaking a bit inside. but she added, “it’s not like we won’t see each other anymore! i’ll visit, you’ll visit, we’ll facetime all the time - oh, let’s make a pact! if not every night, at least 4 times a week we have to facetime. deal?”

harry smiled, and nodded. “deal.”

we’ll be alright, she thought.

they hug goodbye at the door, clinging to each other a little longer than usual. this wasn’t a goodbye, he wasn’t leaving her, this was just a see you later. he hoped she knew that.

now, it was time for the next chapter, for the both of them.

—

3 years and 1 month before the day.

“harry? can you hear me?” 

“yeah, just a sec-”

“as much as i love your ceiling, i’d like to see your face. what, did you get a haircut? is it bad?”

“no, you little shit, give me a second.” she could hear the smile on his lips. “here- there you go, i’m here.” he adjusted his phone, so she could see him well enough.

“hi! no haircut i see.” she smiled. “that’s for the better, i’ve always loved your long hair.” that sentence made harry’s heart flutter. it seemed that’s the only reaction it had whenever she was involved.

“i know you did, who can forget the tears you shed when i cut it short?” he smiled smugly.

she was immediately offended. “hey! it was the perfect length for me to braid it, you looked so pretty. my reaction was more than justified.” she pouted.

“alright, alrig-”

“baby? here’s your tea.” a deeper voice came through his speaker. of fucking course. 

her face lit up as soon as the person who spoke came into the room. “ah, thanks baby!” she puckered her lips, and noah gave her a soft quick peck, before realising she wasn’t alone.

“oh hi harry!” noah waved. “how’s it going? everything good?”

harry swallowed his envy and his jealousy, barely. “yeah-” he cleared his voice. “yeah, everything is good. you?”

“oh yeah, thank you! i’m so sorry, i didn’t mean to interrupt.” he smiled a bit embarrassed. “i didn’t realise it was facetime time, but i’ll get out of your hair immediately. bye harry!” he said louder, and then added softly. “bye dear.” he gave her a quick peck on the top of her head, and left the room. 

she didn’t stop smiling throughout the whole interaction. and that made harry’s blood boil. but it wasn’t the time to be upset now, now that she was in front of him. 

“sorry, since he moved in we are trying to figure out a schedule for the both of us, i forgot he got off early today.” she said softly. 

yeah, he moved in. she broke the news to harry a couple of weeks before and he had to pretend to be thrilled about it. he couldn’t help it: not even being oceans apart from her helped him ease the pain, and also the fact that he had been gone for over a year didn’t make this any easier. 

“it’s okay.” he said, pretending. “how’s it going with you guys?” he’d prefer a stake through his heart rather than hearing her response, but he also knew he had to ask, being her friend. what if she wasn’t happy?

“oh, it’s amazing.” she smiled. “it’s just like- getting extra time with your best friend, you know? like, you know when you are out with a friend and you just don’t want to leave them and go home?” he nodded. he felt that way every time he hang out with her, and harry wanted to smack his old self for not doing something about it when he had the chance. “and now, i don’t have to wish for him to not leave, because he’s here! so yeah, it’s pretty great.” 

he nodded silently, a soft smile on his lips. even if all he wanted was to be noah right then, he couldn’t help but be excited for her: she was so happy, happier than he had ever seen her. “that’s amazing, love. you deserve it.” 

she smiled as well, “thank you, harry. and i finally don’t have to fight with someone who steals all the covers and leaves me in the cold!” she added, trying to lighten the mood.

he pretended to be shocked and offended. “okay, that happened one— or two times if we’re exaggerating, and it was cold! i had to!” 

their banter went back and forth for a little while, laughing like always. harry tried to ignore the heartache the thought of them being all domestic gave him, at least up until they’d end their call. so he pushed his thoughts aside, and focused on enjoying the company of his best friend.

“alright, i’m afraid i have to go now.” she pouted. “but i’ll talk to you tomorrow, or in the following days? just- whenever you want! alright?” 

“yeah, of course.” he smiled. “goodbye, darling. talk soon.”

“goodbye, harry.”

“bye.”

once the call ended, harry threw his head back, groaning. why did it all have to be so difficult? why couldn’t he have realised how he really felt before? why couldn’t he have realised it when he slept over at her place, when he could feel her hair on his face, her body close to his? why couldn’t he have realised it before she fell for someone who didn’t steal all the covers?

as all the other times when his thoughts were too loud, he opened his desk drawer and looked for his — now even more — worn leather journal, flipping to the pages to /that/ particular page, and got his pen ready. the ink flowed easily on the paper. 

“cause i don’t want to hear about him, 

how he’s holding you better at night.”

—

1 year and 4 months before the day.

“what the fuck?” she screamed through the speaker. “what the actual fuck? when?” 

he chuckled. “in a couple of months. i thought it was better telling you face to face, or at least through a phone call, rather than a text.” 

“and you were right! oh my god, i can’t believe you’re coming home in two months.” he couldn’t see her face, but he could hear she was smiling. she went on, voice a bit quieter this time around. “for good? are you coming home for good?”

“technically, the UK is my home-”

“oh shut it, styles.” she interrupted. “you know what i mean.” he did. and he knew that home was the right term, because home was wherever she was. 

“yeah, for good i think, or at least for a long while.” he said, stopping at a red light. 

his brakes made a screeching sound, telling her exactly what he was doing. 

“wait- are you driving? it’s not safe! i’m ending the call, we’ll talk once-”

“hey, slow down. i am driving, and you’re on speaker. i called you as soon as i was out of the office because i couldn’t hold it in any longer.” he said, smiling. 

“aw, you’re cute when you want to.” she breathed a laugh. “but now, let’s talk business: your homecoming party!”

“as i said, since i’m from the UK, i’m actually already-”

“oh, fuck off!”

—

1 year and 2 months before the day.

“noah, kill the lights! everyone hide and be quiet!”

“yes, ma’am.” one of their friends whispered.

she had been behaving a bit like a drill sergeant, but she couldn’t care less: her best friend was finally coming home and nothing — absolutely nothing — could go wrong. she missed him so much, and she couldn’t wait to share the news. 

just not tonight, because tonight was all about him and him only. 

her phone screen lit up, an incoming call from harry. she swiped her finger on the screen and answered him. “hello?”

“hey! i’m almost at your place, are you home? i didn’t see your car.” that was because she had carefully parked it a couple of blocks from her apartment to sell her story.

“yeah, sorry, i got caught up at work! i’ll be home in a little bit, i’ll try to get out of here as soon as possible! i’m so sorry.” she lied through her teeth.

“no, uh, don’t be- it’s fine.” he sounded a bit sad and perhaps disappointed. 

all was going according to plan.

“please, go in! i don’t know if you still have your key, but there’s one under the doormat!; make yourself at home!”

“of course i still have it, what do you think?” he chuckled. “alright, i’m going up the stairs, i’ll see you soon.”

“alright! bye for now!”

“bye bye.” harry murmured, ending the call. he put his phone in his back pocket, before jogging up the last flight of stairs. once he was in front of the door, he took out his keys, but stopped. “please, don’t let noah be home.” he thought. 

he put the key in the lock, turned it to open the door, and walked in the place that felt like home more than anywhere in the world.

as he was closing the door, the lights came up. “what the-”

“SURPRISE!!” her living room was filled with their friends, all smiling at him. but he only saw one face in the midst of them, because her smile was brighter than all the others. 

“fuck me, you guys were about to make me drop dead on the floor.” he chuckled and the others joined him. he pointed his finger towards his best friend, “you fucker.”

“welcome home, harry!” she said smiling, going towards him to wrap him in a hug. 

he was home.

the party was going splendidly: almost everyone was tipsy, someone more than the others — harry talked to everyone who was there, but all he really wanted was to talk to her.

“it’s nice seeing your face in real life.” he slurred, a bit intoxicated.

“oh well, thank you, i guess?” she smiled, and reached for her drink. 

and that’s when the light hit something sparkly on her finger, and harry’s heart fell to his stomach. his mouth dry, his eyes unblinking.

“what is that?” he murmured, so low she could barely hear it.

she frowned, and followed his line of sight. when she understood what he was looking at, she quickly lowered her hand to her side. “fuck, i forgot to take it off before you came here.” she looked up at him with her eyes wide. 

did she plan on keeping this hidden from me? he couldn’t understand what was going on, his mind was spinning from the news, and the alcohol in his system wasn’t helping.  

“i wanted to tell you the news in person, but i wanted tonight to be just about you! i was gonna tell you tomorrow or in the following days, fuck i screwed it all up now.” she groaned and put her hand on her eyes. 

harry shook his head, trying to find his voice. “no, no, it’s okay.” he breathed a deep breath. “congratulations.”

she looked at him with a crooked smile. “thank you, harry.” she paused. “i’m still mad at myself, it was supposed to be a cute moment, i had it all planned out! i was gonna take you to breakfast and tell you and then i even wrote you a little riddle to ask you to be my best-” she slapped her hand over her mouth. “oh fuck! i can’t believe i literally ruined it all now!”

well, wasn’t it just the cherry on top of the sundae of awful that was his life? 

not only did he have to watch the girl of his dreams get married: he literally had a front row seat at the altar. 

his head was spinning so fast he could barely think straight, the realisation that he lost her, that he lost all his chances to have her as more than a friend, that he threw away all the possibilities he had, all of this broke his heart in two. nothing he went through ever hurt him like this, nothing ever made him want to throw up, cry, scream and runaway all at once. 

he didn’t know what to say, what to feel: he knew noah was good to her and that she deserved nothing less, so why was he so angry? was he such a selfish idiot that he couldn’t even be happy for his best friend? 

“so, since it’s all out, would you be my best man?” she asked him, her eyes full of hope staring at him.

and what could he do if not say yes?

he didn’t stay long at the party after the big news blew up in his face, leaving with the excuse of being jet lagged. he tried telling noah he would drive back by himself — he really did — but the man wouldn’t stand down, saying he had drunk too much and it was not safe for him to drive in that moment.

harry would have loved nothing more than to find a string of bad qualities in him, in order to make her leave him, but there was nothing: noah was a good guy, a good friend and evidently an even better boyfriend.

asshole.

the drive back to his place was embarrassing, silent and just weird, but probably it was more for harry than for noah. once they got to his place, harry basically jumped out of the car, murmuring a low “goodnight”. 

but before driving away, noah rolled down the car window and called after him.

“hey, harry!” harry turned around, hoping this would be over soon. he went on, “i just wanted to say i’m very happy you’re back, and that i’m glad you’re her best man. she was so excited about asking you.” noah smiled. “just- thank you in advance for everything. i know you’ll be on the receiving end of her wedding planning freak outs.” he chuckled. 

harry nodded slowly, feeling emptier and emptier inside. “of course, no problem. bye.” 

noah waved and pulled up his car window. 

once the car drove away, harry rushed into his apartment, and slammed the door. 

he couldn’t help but let the tears run free, finally letting his pain overtake him. his breath was coming out in small puffs, and he couldn’t control the agonising sounds he was letting out. it felt like he was living his worst nightmare, and actually he really was.

he knew. he had known all those years, he knew she was in love with him. and he always ignored it — “for the friendship”, he told himself. and of course, he only realised his love for her when she moved on. when she found someone who loved her as much as she loved him.

maybe if i try harder to be a better person, a better friend for her. he thought.

maybe if i did something differently.

but perhaps, the best way for him to be a better friend was being there for her as her best friend and best man, and to not interfere. he would have to put his feelings aside, and accept that he had a chance — multiple ones, at that — and didn’t take it. and he didn’t really have the right to cry now that he was too late. now that he realised that this was how she must’ve felt all those years.

he stood up, and went to his half unpacked bedroom, and picked up his journal. the page was easy to find now, a picture of them signalling the pages filled with his regret. 

the ink flowed easily, and so did the tears.

“do you know what it’s like to fall in love from the outside?

and i don’t know, but i've been trying for you, for me.

now i know what it’s like to fall in love from the outside.”

—

6 months and 1 week before the day.

“i swear to god, if this shop doesn’t have a nice dress i’m getting married in sweats.”

harry laughed at her. “c’mon now, you drama queen.”

she turned to look at him, shocked at his reaction. “easy for you to say, mister. you just have to find a tux that fits or wear one you already have! i don’t happen to have a white dress with a big puffy skirt in my wardrobe, unfortunately.” 

harry smiled at her antics: this was definitely not the first freak out about the wedding. a couple of months before it was the invitations, and the debate on what shade of white was the best one to pick. harry got a bunch of smacks to his head because he couldn’t see the difference between a pearly white and a less pearly white. shocking.

saying she was stressed was a huge understatement, she could plan everything till the last detail, but you never know how many things could go wrong: you could lose your veil, the flowers may not be delivered, the dress could get stained… so many things he couldn’t have control on and it was driving her crazy.

and now, the next mission was finding the right dress. all the ones she had tried on were either too big, too small, too sexy, too modest, or made her look like a meringue. and the stress was getting to her, because she had been more whiny than usual and she could cry at the idea of trying on yet another dress. 

but there was one last shop they had to look at, and she hoped it would be where she could find the dress of her dreams. 

the shop was filled to the brim with white gowns, and harry was praying to god they would find the dress. he was sat down on one of those comfy sofas, two older ladies following the bride-to-be in the changing room, getting her ready for him to see the dresses.

she came out and from the look on her face, harry could tell she was most definitely not amused, but refrained from talking her thoughts out loud so not to make the shop assistants feel bad. 

“we’ll be right over, dear. just call us if or when you want to try on another dress.” the woman on her right gave her arm a light squeeze, and walked away with her colleague. 

she turned around to look at harry, shoulders slumped, a frown on her face.

“i look awful, don’t i?”

you never do, he thought. “why do you say that?” he said.

“it’s all wrong: the skirt is wrong, the neckline isn’t good, i hate the way my arms look in this, it’s just- ugh.” she sighed. 

harry could see how she was getting worked up, so he told her what he always did whenever she was going crazy about the wedding: “hey, take a deep breath. c’mon.” he did the exercise with her. “breathe in - 1, 2, 3, 4. keep it in - 1, 2, 3, 4. and, breathe out - 1, 2, 3, 4. that’s it, keep going.”

she did this a couple more times, and she could feel herself calm down. 

“oof- okay. i think i’m ready to try on a couple more dresses. would you mind calling the ladies for me?”

“of course. go back in there, i’ll be right here.” he squeezed her hand, and went to find the shop assistants.

after trying three more dresses, she was tired and mostly disappointed. she just wanted to get over with this dress hunt, so after the third failure, she turned to harry. “okay, i’m done. i’m getting out of this and i wanna go home.”

harry nodded. “okay, whatever you want.. but may i propose something?” he inquired. “can i see if i can find a dress for you? just- give me five minutes, and if you don’t like it we’ll be on our way. okay?”

“mmh. okay.”

so off he went. 

and boy, did he found a dress. he knew he hit the jackpot, and couldn’t wait to see how she looked in it. almost jumping on the couch from the excitement, he patiently waited.

she was definitely worth the wait. 

it was a bit bigger, and he knew she’d want to make some alterations, but he also knew there wasn’t a dress more perfect for her. 

she was beaming with joy. a smile so big it must’ve hurt her cheeks, but she didn’t care. that was the dress.

up until she saw the price tag.

“goddamn, styles, did you really have to find it in the priciest part of the shop?” she exclaimed and harry looked confused, so she continued. “i couldn’t get this dress in my wildest dreams! it’s too much.”

harry stood up and went to stand behind her, in front of the mirror, and put his hands on her shoulders. “i’m sure if you cut a little on some things, you can afford this. god, i would even pay for what you can’t pay yourself. just- look at you. you’re beautiful.” he looked at her eyes reflecting on the mirror, and saw the darker pinkish shade that coloured her cheeks. 

“i do look nice, don’t i?” she scrunched her nose and smiled. 

“plenty nice.” harry smiled back.

and so the dress was found, at last. she talked to the store ladies for the alterations and such, and afterwards harry walked her home.

“thank you, H. i can’t believe you found my dress!”

“hey, my last name is “styles” after all, isn’t it?”

she looked at him, jaw dropped. “jesus christ, that was worse than your knock knock jokes.” 

harry went back to his apartment, ready to finally let his walls down and stop pretending seeing her in that white dress wasn’t making him want to die. 

“god, what a mess.”

the rest of the day went by, he was just about to make dinner when the doorbell rang. he wasn’t expecting company, but maybe it was his 83-year-old neighbour needing something. 

he went to open the door, and he wasn’t expecting to find his best friend standing there, her face stained with tears, makeup running down from her eyes.

“may i come in?” she murmured, voice broken. harry felt his knees buckle, all he wanted was to hug her and make her problems go away. but that was the thing; what had happened to reduce her to this state?

harry moved to the side. “of course, please.”

she made her way into his home, so warm, so familiar. she asked him if she could go to the restroom to freshen up, so now he was waiting for her in his bedroom, as always when they had to talk over things. 

once she came into his view, he saw that her cheeks were still flushed, her nose red and her make up still a bit smudged. he pat the bed and silently invited her to sit down, so she could talk about whatever was wrong. 

she sat down and kept quiet for a couple of minute, until the silent tears began streaming once again. 

“god, i’m so sorry.” she sniffled. “i must seem so ridiculous right now.”

harry shook his head. “no, no, absolutely not. just- what happened?” did something happen with noah? was she safe?

“it’s nothing with noah, that i can tell you. or i don’t know, maybe it is at some capacity. it’s just-” she sighed, and closed her eyes in order not to break down again. “i’m a bit overwhelmed, i guess? the dress shop called to tell me that they’d have the dress back in a couple of weeks so i could go in and try it. and while i should be ecstatic about that, all i felt was anxiety: i couldn’t breathe and i was thinking that maybe this was all happening too fast and that perhaps it’s better to call off all of this and just reschedule it.” she took a deep breath, and added lowly. “or maybe just call it off for good.”

harry’s mind was spinning, this was his chance, to swoop in and get the girl. 

but he didn’t want to. because it wasn’t right, to her first and foremost. but also to him, because if she wanted to be with him, to really be with him, she had to be in the right state of mind. 

plus, he would never, ever do something this manipulating to anyone, especially not her. 

“i see. uhm- i, i don’t really know what to say.” he paused, while she wiped her eyes, getting makeup all over her hands and around her eyes. “i just want you to know that i’m always here for you, and that if you change your mind i’ll be the one driving the getaway car.” he tried to make a joke, and he succeeded in making her crack a smile through the tears. “i want you to be sure of what you do, whether it’s getting married, rescheduling or calling it off. and i also want you to know that getting cold feet is absolutely normal before any big change. and god, this is a huge one.” 

“it’s just- what if it’s not what i want it to be, what i want my marriage to look like? what if it all changes?” she inquired.

“why would it change? it’s just a title, instead of boyfriend and girlfriend, you’ll be husband and wife. you can see it as just that, if that’s what makes you worry.”

“but what if i’m not enough for him? what if he’s not enough for me? what if we end up resenting each other down the line?” she sniffled and accidentally wiped her hands on his sheets, leaving a trail of makeup in its wake. “fuck, i’m sorry. damn it.”

“don’t worry about that.” harry smiled softly. “as for the rest, i’m not sure i’m the guy you should be talking to right now. i’m not married-” and i’m not the one you’re marrying, he wanted to add. “but i know that communication is the key in relationships, and even if it’s hard at times, it’s the right thing to do. who knows, maybe noah is having the same doubts? maybe he’s scared as well and doesn’t know if he should or should not talk to you about it?” 

she seemed to sober up little by little, understanding that harry was right, that she needed to talk to noah and work it all through with him, no matter the outcome. so she nodded, and agreed with harry. “yeah, yeah you’re right, i should talk it over with noah. i’m sorry for all of this.” she breathed a smile. “god, i’m such a mess.”

“hey, none of that. it’s fine and absolutely normal to have doubts, i’m glad you came to me.” he smiled. “want me to walk you home?”

“no, no, i drove here, i’m good.” she looked up to him, opened her ams and took him in a hug. once her face was right next to his ear, she said softly “you really are my best man, do you know that?” 

not good enough to be the one you want to spend your life with, clearly. “thanks.”

night came and enveloped his room, but sleep refused to close his eyes: harry was twisting and turning, scared of the future for the first time in his life. it was all getting so close, too close and too fast. he wasn’t ready to lose her, he wasn’t ready to wave goodbye any future they could have had together.

he wasn’t ready, and yet did nothing to change it. the only thing he did was picking up that damn journal, and adding to the lines he had already written. 

“that nice dress in my wildest dreams,

lipstick stains you left still on my sheets.”

—

2 months and 6 days before the day.

“what about shots?” 

“yeah!” various voices exclaimed. 

“god, no.”

“harry, i planned this bachelorette party two months early because i didn’t want to be hangover close to the wedding. c’mon old man!” she tugged his arm to make him stand up and accompany her to the bar, and harry scoffed.

“can’t believe i have to force you to do shots, it was always the way around.” she huffed while struggling to guide him to the bar.

harry laughed through his nose. “that was because we were younger. you’re gonna hate yourself tomorrow morning, and i’m gonna hate you too if you force me to drink my body weight.”

“okay grandpa.” she said in a deep voice, mocking his accent. 

so, shots they did. god, so many shots.

they were giggling like teenagers, as if they were back to their college days.

she had missed the feeling, and harry couldn’t not feel the same.

they couldn’t talk without laughing every two sentences, and each others laugh made the other laugh even harder, and so it became an endless cycle of hysterical laughter that didn’t let them breathe. 

“so, bride to be,” harry slurred, dopey smile adorning his face. “how are we feeling about the big day?”

she took another shot, squinted her eyes from the burn, and answered, voice as slurred as his. “we are feeling good right now.” she laughed. “very good. i’m happy.” 

“good, good.” harry nodded, his voice unconvincing.

“hey, look at me.” she grabbed his chin and turned his face to face her. “are you-” she stopped, and stared at him for a second. “god, you have amazing eyes, you know that?” 

harry laughed and squinted his eyes, “okay, now i’m sure you’re wasted.” he tore himself away from her hands, even if he didn’t want to. 

“heyyyy, am not!” she said, faking offence. “what makes you say that?”

“because, silly, you always used to say that when we were partying in college. once you said i had “amazing eyes”, i knew it was time to take you home.” 

“aw, look at you, knowing all about me.” she singsonged. “you’re the best of friends, you know that?” she grinned. “any man, woman, anyone would be lucky to have you by their side, bub. i mean it.” 

harry smiled, but his heart sunk a little. 

yeah, anyone. anyone, but you.

“thank you, darling. no more drinks for you, though.”

“aw, you’re such a buzzkill.” she whined. “maybe just another one? just one, i promise!”

getting home was hard, knowing he was gonna be alone was even harder. only his journal was waiting for him, laying on the opposite side of his bed, the words already ready to fill up those pages.

“when i hear “amazing eyes”,

it breaks my heart evеry time.”

—

3 weeks and 2 days before the day.

“hey! come on in.” harry stepped aside to let her make her way in. “and you brought chinese food!”

“yeah well, i figured you’d be hungry.” she came in, left the food onto the kitchen table and started taking her coat off. ��and i also had to bribe you with something for the favour i need to ask you.” 

harry took her coat and her scarf and went to place it on his bed. “of course you’d be nice to me just because you need something.” he scoffed. “what a friend you are.”

“hey, it’s not true! i’m always nice to you, but i really need help and we both know you’re the one who has a better way with words between the two of us.”

harry came back to the kitchen, where she was setting the table. the scene looked and felt so domestic, so homey. so heartbreakingly familiar. “and how would you know?”

she laughed while opening up the containers. “are you kidding? i always saw you writing in that worn leather journal in school. maybe it was your diary, but i wouldn’t know because /someone/ would never let me read anything from it.” 

“that’s because you’re nosy and that journal is private.” he grabbed the plates. “c’mon now, i’m starving. we can talk about what you need help with while we eat.”

so, apparently what she needed help with was writing her wedding vows.

her fucking wedding vows.

harry almost choked on his food when she spoke. 

“your-” he gulped. “your wedding vows?” 

help with your promises, your deepest declarations of love for a man with whom you’re gonna spend your life? a man who’s gonna wake up to you every morning while i become the sad uncle to your beautiful children? really?

“yeah! i’m desperate, i wouldn’t have asked you if i wasn’t in deep shit right now. i’m going crazy and the wedding is getting close and i don’t know what to do other than beg for your help, so please, please-” she was getting worked up. 

she had tried to do that by herself, she really did: she just couldn’t put any words down, not any that sounded good anyway. which is why harry was her last resort, she knew he was modest, but he had a way with words. 

his good looks got him with people through college, yes, but the boy was a smooth talker. people were drawn to him by the looks, but they were truly captured by his words. 

so, who better then the guy she used to have a crush on for years to help her write her promises to her future husband? yeah, the situation was desperate.

“uhm.” harry scratched the back of his head. how the hell was he supposed to help her with such a thing? “i- i just don’t know if-”

“hey, it’s fine if you don’t want to. i can just try to look up on the internet.” she smiled, not a real smile. “i just- i guess i wanted them to be special. and it kills me i can’t do this by myself.” she shrugged, as if it didn’t matter, but harry could see how much this thing made her sad. 

“no, uhm- it’s okay. i think we can work on something.”

as soon as he said those words, she smiled big, and harry knew he made the right choice. “thank you so much, harry. thank you. you have no idea how much this means to me.” 

so now they were on the couch, brainstorming ideas. 

“so, i said you want the vows to be more personal, obviously. so maybe, something about what you did together? like, what about your first date?”

“oh yeah, it was nice! i invited him over to make some brownies for maddie’s birthday party, do you remember?” did he remember? he fucking suggested it. they would always bake the cakes, or any sweets, for their friends’ birthdays, but that day he was busy — had a date with a person he wanted to go out with for so long, and it ended up being mind-blowingly boring  — so he suggested she invites noah over to help her out. 

and then that was it.

he still would curse himself for that stupid idea, for suggesting that date, for suggesting a thing that was usually just for the two of them as a date with another person. he was jealous, incredibly so, and he just wished she had him in his mind whenever he thought about that date. he was selfish, and he knew that, but that’s what anger and envy brings you to do. 

“yeah, i remember.” he nodded. “then maybe you can write down about that.”

“i remember how we ended up making the brownies all too runny.” she laughed. “and i had more flour in our hair than the one we ended up using for the baking. it was such a lovely date.” still smiling, she looked up to him. “it kinda made me remember how we used to bake for our friends, we’d always make it end in a food fight. it was so fun.”

harry nodded, a bit cocky in knowing that what he wanted — for her to remember him when she thought about that first date. “i bet it was.” 

they went on, sharing ideas and lines back and forth, until she could see harry’s eyes closing. “okay H, time for me to leave you alone and make you go to sleep. let me just help you with the stuff in the kitchen.” she stood up and went towards the kitchen, but harry grabbed her wrist to stop her.

“hey no, leave it there: i’ll tidy up tomorrow morning, i’m just to tired right now. i just wanna go to sleep.”

tilting her head to the side, she looked at him softly. “okay, okay. goodnight sleepy head, i’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“nighty night. can you lock the door please?” 

“of course, harry. go to bed now, you’re spent!”

harry was tired, yes. physically, of course, but emotionally? he was tired on another level, he couldn’t stand talking about their vows a second longer. he felt like he was gonna be sick, pass out or die if they did, so he kinda exaggerated his tiredness, so that this could be over and he could just drown himself in his sadness and pain. 

as soon as she was out the door, and he heard her walking away, he let himself break down. he got up from the couch, tears staining his cheeks, trying so hard to catch a breath between all the sobs. this was killing him, ever so slowly. 

he walked into his room, turning on the lights and noticed her coat and scarf was still there. he thought about texting her about it, but he couldn’t even see straight: he was not okay. he had not been in a while, and it was getting so much worse with everyday the wedding got closer, and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. he wanted to scream, he wanted to put his fist through the wall, to let the world know that he wasn’t okay with what was happening, that it wasn’t right, not in the slightest; he knew he was late, he knew. but why couldn’t he have one last chance? just one chance. 

“fuck.” he sobbed. “fuck this.”

the venomous words wrote themselves on the page, adding to the long list of words that described all the regret, the jealousy, the anger that was boiling in him. 

“i don’t want to hear about him,

and these songs you continue to write.

i was with you when you wrote that line,

it was me that you had on your mind.”

.

harry woke up to the sound of his doorbell, his mouth dry and his eyes puffy, he didn’t even realise he fell asleep. shaking himself awake, he looked around the room before hearing the doorbell once again.

he grunted in response, and got up to see who could be looking for him at— well, he didn’t even know what time it was. was it morning already?

“hey, sleepyhead! god, i wore you out last night, huh?” she laughed, while making her way in. “oh my, the kitchen is a mess! do you need help?” 

harry was a bit dumbfounded, still half asleep. “wh-what are you doing here?” he cleared his throat. “did we have plans or-”

“oh no! no, i just came by to pick up my coat. i realised yesterday once i was home but didn’t want to come back and wake you up, so i thought it would be better if i came by this morning. didn’t think i’d end up waking you up.” she laughed. “can i go get it?”

he nodded, “yeah, yeah, of course. i’ll make some coffee. want some?”

“as if i’d ever say no.” she smiled and walked away.

once she entered the bedroom, she understood that she literally dragged him out of bed to open the door: the bed was all messed up, and the state of his hair and face clearly showed that he hadn’t even brushed his teeth. 

she looked around a little, finally finding her coat and her scarf on the dresser, near the window. since she was in there, she decided to tidy up a little, open the windows, change the air. 

while she was making the bed, she saw something familiar coking out from under the pillow. could it really be…? yes, it was: the untouchable journal.

she was shocked: never once in her life did she got so close to that book without harry tearing it away from her sight before she could even get a closer glimpse. she didn’t want to invade his privacy, she just wanted to look at the outside of it: she saw that there were little scribbles on the cover, made with a black pen, words, stars, doodles. it’s all so harry, she thought. 

but then, one thing caught her attention: they were photo-booth pictures, depicting two youngsters, smiling and making silly faces at the camera. harry had his hair a bit longer, she would call him “prince harry” at that stage: he was making a kissy face to the camera, and she was beside him, smiling deeply and looking at him with nothing but pure love; this was taken when she hadn’t met noah yet, and there was no one else on her mind. she remembers harry dragging her into the booth. they were going around shopping, looking for a new shirt for harry and a new outfit for her to wear at their graduation, when harry caught sight of the machine. he stopped in his tracks and grabbed her wrist, making a million of butterflies bat their wings in her stomach. 

“we always take a million pictures but never print them! we always say we will but we never get around to do that, so now i have the perfect solution.”

and when could she ever say no to him?

she smiled looking at the picture at the top, reminiscing those days. she decided to open the journal, just to see the other pictures under the top one: one with harry sticking his tongue out, another one with her making bunny ears behind his head, and the last one was her favourite, of course. harry grabbed her chin and planted a wet kiss on her cheek, making her turn a bright red. she remembers how flustered she was by that touch, and how she felt like she was walking on air for the rest of the day.

her cheeks warmed at the memory, smiling at the silliness of teenage feelings, but she cherished the memory of them the most. 

she couldn’t believe harry kept it all those years, she thought he would’ve lost it by then, with the movings and everything. 

while she was going to close the book, her eyes dropped to the words scribbled on those pages.

at the top of the page, written in uppercase, three letters, underlined: him. 

she knew it was wrong, she knew it was a violation of his privacy and that he would have any right to hate her, but her curiosity got the best of her and she ended up starting reading the rest of the words, of what she soon realised was a poem, or a song.

“no fucking way.” she smiled. “that’s so cool.”

she read the first four lines, frowning at the somber tone of the lyrics. what was he apologising for? 

she kept reading and reading, her heart sinking more and more into her chest, the realisation of what was going on hitting her like a truck. no, it couldn’t be. it couldn’t.

“that nice dress in my wildest dreams, lipstick stains you left still on my sheets.” she read out loud. “no, no, what-” but she went on, she couldn’t stop now. 

“when i hear ‘amazing eyes’, it breaks my heart evеry time?” her breath was shallow, her eyes misty. “what the fuck is-”

“hey darling, are you okay? you’ve been in here a whi-” harry’s voice died in his throat at the sight of his best friend white as if she had seen a ghost, holding his most precious possession, the air abandoning his lungs. shit.

she gulped, and didn’t tear her eyes away from the page, her voice low. “harry, what- what is this?” her hands were shaking.

harry was speechless, mind blank, not a thought going in his brain. he didn’t know what to say or do, aside being slightly defensive. “what are you doing reading my book?” he uttered, voice raspy.

“i didn’t mean to,” she murmured, still not looking at him. “i just picked it up to put it on your nightstand, but i saw the pictures of us inside and opened it, to get a better look at the picture and that was supposed to be it.” she inhaled deeply, calming herself. “before i found what you wrote.” and then, she finally looked up at him. her eyes were bloodshot, her cheeks red. he didn’t like the sight of it. and he didn’t like what came after. “please, tell me the truth.” she pleaded. “is this about me? about me and.. and my relationship?” 

“what? no, it’s not-” he tried lying, pathetically, making her shake her head and read straight from his journal.

“i was with you when you wrote that line, it was me that you had in your mind?” she read almost whispering. “‘that line’- oh my fucking god, my wedding vows? you wrote this stuff last night.” she looked at him with a look he had never seen before, not towards him at least: pure disappointment, shock, disbelief. her voice was barely a whisper, as if all the air had been sucked out the room. “harry, i’m getting married in a fucking month. you’re my fucking best man, what the fuck-” she raised her head toward the ceiling, her hands covering her eyes. 

harry murmured lowly. “i’m sorry. i’m so sorry, i can’t even-”

“since when?”

harry hoped he didn’t understand what she meant. “what?” 

“since when have you been writing this. since when have you been having feelings for me.” she said, her voice raising slightly.

“i-i don’t think it matters right now, honest-”

“oh, but it does.” she smiled, a sarcastic smile, tears falling silently down her cheeks. “it does matter, because it will make me understand what kind of feelings we’re talking about. tell me.”

harry stayed quiet, not daring opening up his mouth, because he knew what she would be thinking if he told her that he fell for her only after she got with noah. and that the passive aggressive decision to move to another country without telling her was all dictated by his jealousy. he knew she would hate him as soon as he told her that, as soon as she realised he was just a boy, a kid that would get jealous if anyone was to touch his toys. 

he felt ashamed, so ashamed of those being the circumstances in which he found out about his feelings, but they were so far from that now: he loved her, like a man would love another person, not like a teenage boy does.

apparently, he didn’t need to reply, because she already knew the answer. she scoffed, drying her tears. “oh, so it was after i met noah, then. let me guess, around the time you were ready to flee the country without telling me?” she asked bitterly. 

harry didn’t know what to say, aside from apologising, again and again, head hanging low. “i’m sorry.”

“you knew.” she pointed her finger towards him. “you knew i loved you, you did and you always played with my feelings. “‘do you know what’s like to fall in love from the outside’? are you fucking serious? do i know? i was in love with you for years and i always pretended you didn’t know, but i know you did, anyone could see it. and you never did something to let me know if you wanted more or if you didn’t want me that way, you’d always want me to stay in between, huh?” her smile was chilling. harry had never seen her like this, and those words were like knives going straight through his heart. he knew the truth was hard to face, but this was something else. he thought that dying would hurt less. “i can’t fucking believe this, it’s too much, i- i have to leave.”

harry shook his head vigorously, placing himself in front of the door. “no, please, don’t leave.” 

she stopped in front of him, shaking her head no. “let me leave. i don’t have anything to say to you.”

“but i do-”

“i don’t care, harry. i don’t fucking care about what you have to say now, because now it’s too late! you had years, years to tell me, and you didn’t even have the balls to say something to me, i had to find out you wrote a fucking song about me and noah three weeks before my wedding day.” she looked up at him, brows furrowed. “don’t you see how everything is messed up now? do you really not realise it?” she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before pronouncing the last sentence harry would hear from her. “i really don’t care about what you have to say now. move out of the way.”

he did. the sound of the door slamming shut was almost as loud as his heart shattering in a million pieces. 

he collapsed on his knees, head hanging low, guttural sobs ripping out of his chest. 

on the other side of the door, she was in the same state, sat in her car, hitting the steering wheel, wishing she could slap Fate in its face, for this sad joke it made. how was this fair? how could they recover from this? most importantly, would they be able to recover from this? 

harry couldn’t remember a time he felt so desperate, so angry, so sad, so all over the place. all the plates that were out on the table were now smashed on the ground, angry tears leaving their trail on his face, his knuckles bruised from the punch he gave the wall. 

“fuck!” he screamed, after the hit. the tears of pain mixed with the ones of sadness, the ones that were testament of the fact that he knew it was all over. all the friendship, all the love was gone. there was nothing to rebuild, there was nothing he could do. 

it was over. there was no coming back from this.

—

4 days before the day.

her sister’s phone ringed with a new message.

“Hi, it’s Harry. I’m sorry if this is last minute, but I cannot come to the wedding. Hope everything is going well.”

her sister looked at the bride to be, doing her last dress check: she looked amazing. she was so happy, so smiley, glowing: harry being there would’ve ruined it, she knows that. but still, she couldn’t believe her sister wasn’t marrying that curly headed boy she was so smitten of. she always thought they’d end up together, someday. especially after she knew he was into her as much as she was.

“everything okay?” the bride asked her sister. “did one of the caterers say something is wrong?” she nodded towards her phone.

she shook her head. “no, no. everything’s fine. you look beautiful.” she smiled. “noah is a lucky man.”

—

the wedding day.

the church was packed with people: friends, family, coworkers, everyone who was ready to celebrate the new life of the happy couple. everything looked so festive, flowers all around: she chose sunflowers, like he knew she would’ve. the day was bright, as if the sky itself wanted to be at its best for her, for her big day, because nature knew she deserved nothing else. 

the last guests hurried themselves in and took their seats, everyone buzzing about seeing the bride walk in. noah was up at the end of the altar, his brother putting his hands on his shoulder and smiling at him, trying to come up with a joke to make him less anxious. noah laughed a bit, still very much anxious, but also happy: today was the start of their new life together, him and the girl of his dreams. this was the best day of his life, and he wished it would never end. 

she could see the church from the car window, and squeezed her sister’s hand as a reaction: the day was here. it was a long time coming, but she couldn’t be happier. 

well, maybe she could, but she won’t think about that today. not today, not ever. today was the beginning of a new life, full of love and safety. 

her sister turned around and smiled at her, squeezing her hand back three times. once they were parked, the maid of honour got out of the car, and noah’s heart jumped in his throat. it was really happening.

the june sun shimmered down her gown, making her look ethereal. an angel walked into the church and was then walking down the aisle, heading towards her future, with the man she loved more than anyone in the world.

and the man who was too late stood at the end of the church, hidden from her. 

he couldn’t be away, he couldn’t bring himself to miss out on her big day, no matter how painful it may be for him. so he stood at the far end, hidden from everyone. 

when she stepped foot in the church, his breath hitched. he had never seen anyone that beautiful before, she was glowing: even from where he was standing, harry could see the way her eyes were filled with emotional tears, the wavering smile displayed on her lips. she was breathtaking, and so utterly happy. 

it broke his heart.

he saw everything he had lost by being so arrogant, so blind, so oblivious, such an idiot for not realising sooner that she was the one, that she was the only person he wanted by his side. and now, he was watching every step she took away from him, towards the life he knew she deserved.

the life he knew he could’ve given her, if he didn’t mess up his chance. 

chances, even. he had so many of them, and he blew them away because he was scared.

now his life was gonna be filled with regrets, and that was his own fault, there was no one else.

while he watched the couple exchange their eternal promises to each other, he saw her sister glancing at him, giving him a timid smile, as if she knew he couldn’t be there for a second longer, that he couldn’t wait there to see them go out from that church and beginning their new journey. harry nodded back at her, and quietly made his way out of the church from the second entrance, the one he used to make his way in without being noticed.

he got in his car, and drove. he didn’t even know to where he was heading towards, but that didn’t matter. nothing did anymore.

“is he holding you better at night?

is it me running into your mind?

i still think about you all the time.”

—

soooo, this is it! i absolutely loved writing this story, i cried A LOT but it was very much worth it. some stories just don’t have the ending we wish they had, and that’s okay: some stories need a sad ending. i love you all! please let me know your thoughts under the post or in my asks! <3

taglist: @harrysonlylover @that-daydream-look @neverstaisfied

[imkazz]

finished saiki k and i am not coping well

yeahh i get why they said theres no development until the last 2 episodes. because i have thoughts. more than i had for season 2 or season 1.

@peapodsinspace ing because this isnt from discord and i was freaking out with you real time when i was watching loll

cannot believe this is only about three episodes. how is this just three???? im just going to go in chronological order and hope for the best and barely proofread loll

the future talks. ohhh i am ill about the future talks. saiki kusuo has more pressing matters than his future and it kills me every time. because he cant focus on himsef- there is an active volcano that he has always been rewinding time for. he cannot have the time to think about university or a future career until this is all over, which is so unlike me (a normal teenager) that it makes me ill because this is what a normal teenager should be thinking about, not the fucking country that you have to save by yourself. and at least i was so happy that they were crowding around kusuos desk until they started talking about the very future that he has to save, and then i was even happier to hear that kuboyasu and hairo want to become teachers because those types of characters always kill me (despite the fact that the anime also made fun on the fact that it is a trope too) and they are both really good picks from the gang to actually become them. i also enjoyed the quiz game they did to guess kusuos college- teruhashi was the only one to get a ‘hm good guess’ out of kusuo, and his chosen places are literally ‘economics’ ‘literature’ ‘literature’ and the fact that everyone said “thats so normal”in distaste implies that they believe that kusuo could do better. and then THIS.

and the fact kusuo thinks “maybe this could go on forever…” with a smile on his face???? like my dude you are wayy too attached to them noww..

ok so it seems i might even just. be doing a paragraph per episode. now.

the robot?? i agree with what i said my first watch: WHY IS THE SAIKI FAMILY SO DEPENDANT ON GENERATIVE AI AND ROBOTS. i wasnt sure which one it would do- if it would fool all his friends or if it would be too suspicious for them. but i was dead wrong- it says ‘yare yare’ too many times and it is obviously saiki kusuo in the flesh (get it?). i was growing more concerned (and out of breath from laughing) at all the shenanigans that happened along with how kusuo attempted to get rid of it, showing a bit more of his battle iq and intelligence along with his relationships with the other psychics, through his quick strategizing along with utilising his abilities to help in specific situations, along with the relationships he has cumulated with them in order to get them to trust him and follow his word when serious times arise. not only that, but kusuke gets additional information about all of that along with us the audience because he is also a part of the audience (my brain hurts from some of this stuff). 

then for the battle. i am illllllll. so. for many many episodes, we have watched kusuo try and make plans to avoid his friends in all sorts of situations. but this bit? its golden. he finds a disadvantage from not knowing what toritsuka has been doing all week, and that temporarily weakens him until he comes up with a new plan on the given information he knows and has pieced together himself, and then used it to get his body back. then not only that, he begins to fight without his limiter. and we know its hard even with the limiter!! we watched him struggle to throw balls, and then practice to ensure that he could control his strength. amazing already, but then he begins to turn a bad situation into something favourable especially with toritsuka in the mix. because both saiki brothers are smart af. even if toritsuka isnt of use, kusuke reuses him as a hostage and then when that doesnt work, himself and the limiter (all things important to kusuo). kusuo is able to put together that the bomb was fake because kusuke spoke for too long and he remembered aiuras word and trusts her power. 

and then the battle plan is so smart?? kusuo is able to use his disadvantages as advantages (teleportation doesnt need the 3 minute cooldown), and then purposefully drained his strength to be able to pick up the limiter and put it back into his head without breaking it. he could read toritsukas mind and realised that he didnt actually hate kusuo (i found how this was shown as really cool too? instead of the background it was soft shapes and colours implying friendliness as it showed both of them). he made enough of a friendship with toritsuka to get him not to hate him even after being brainwashed. kusuo dragged out the battle to try and gauge what the cat tank could do. AND HES SEVENTEEN. what shocked me further was the fact that he took out the limiter. which he thought would reveal his powers to the world. sure its an asshole thing of kusuke to say/do to kusuo but he at least disabled it a long time ago. but im more focused on kusuo. he took it out. he took it out. thats HUGE. he really thought he would be letting go of normalcy and never be able to go to school without being worshipped. and he did it on his own terms. i was so happy to see how he was smiling and happy thinking about his friends too.. like kusuo was happy with the time he spent with them as a normal kid. but then he was so ready to blast them with full power after both of their comments lolll. and i also found it interesting how kusuke took off his telepathy blocker when explaining why he disabled it so that his brother could know he was telling the truth. and the fact that they moved past the fact that kusuke made a limiter that completely erases kusuos powers?!??!?! and i was confused when toritsuka and kusuo moved past it so easily but. thank fuck they revisited that tidbit???? what made me sadder was the fact that kusuo wanted it so badly, and yet couldnt. because of the volcano. it was good foreshadowing when kusuo thought ‘move forwards.. theyre right. i should clean this up quickly’ in the first part of the episode and then to have this too.. the emotional turmoil is too much. on one hand he could get rid of powers he hates and yet he still has to save the world which he has been putting on hold because he needs more power. like yeah please kill me now, especially that last interaction between toritsuka and kusuo. like yeah hes fake mad at toritsuka at first but then he has to give his genuine thanks because there was no way kusuo would have won if it was just himself, as toritsuka was a key part of the battle from his new powers to his status as a hostage to the fact he broke past the brainwashing.

and when they finally start planning that trip (callback to the first segment of episode one!!) and they decide upon the place where an active volcano has tried to blow up for four years. absolute madlads. kusuo diverted them at first but its a comedy anime too- ofc they are going to oshimai.

and everyone asking why he cant go is hillarious too.. “what plans do you have?” “im sure its nothing important!” ‘im saving the world?!’ yeahhh he has to go, because he cares. he doesnt want them to cancel what they think is their last fun time together before third year. its not because his mom forced him. its because he loves them. the cumulation of four years with these losers has made kusuo soft for them.

when they actually get to oshimai, i would have loved to watch their shenanigans. im sure they are chaos incarnate while on a play date with each other, but i really liked how the anime showed the tension that kusuo had. even as the rest of them were having lighthearted conversations, there was always a pit in my stomach as kusuo continued to refer to the mountain and was generally downcast while the group did all of those activities i would have previously have laughed at if it was not for the huge threat right there and despite the fact that kusuo looks the same as always (silent, in the background, neutral face) i felt nervous because he had said so just barely a minute ago and hadnt mentioned again. its shown through the way he allowed teruhashi to do as she pleased, how he would look at the mountain constantly, not say anything mentally to the audience.. it was offputting and really set the vibes. his face reflected in the window, with owari yama right there too? perfect way to end the segment.

i found it clever how saiki used a previous part to help him: the robot. he now knows that nobody suspects anything if he just says ‘yare yare’ and he now uses this with his hypnosis (seen in many episodes, such as s1 ep 24) to mesh together a perfect stand in (according to his friends OOF). and then he uses the clones (from s2 ep22) to help with the eruption (s2 ep13). not only that, his plan is pretty good. he has already used toritsuka as a stand in (when kusuo turned kaido and nendo into stone) and then aiura has already helped him with a previous eruption which he had to turn back time on. it was also a callback to kusuo in the previous episode: no way kusuo would have asked kusuke for help on how to solve the volcano problem if they had not cleared some things up after the fight, and no way would he have if there was no power canceller, and no way if the limiter being pulled would still tell the world about his powers. this is a big climax towards things that the plot has been working towards, and it is a mix of everything: many specific instances, his training, previous lore, character development, his friends and family, kusuos priorities, his emotional stances. they all played some sort of part in his plan to enable time to move forwards.

i was concerned to see him beat up (because looookkk hes just two years older than mee and also pretty oppp) but i was so fuckin pumped that time was moving forwards and he was also pretty happy, given the smile. and the joy immediately left. because everyone showed up, and then to show that alternate universe where things were almost the same but slightly different?? and the fact that kusuo literally told all of them about his powers because he knew he could go back in time and erase all of that? its killing me because he did that because he knew he could experiment for a reaction and then erase it as if nothing actually happened. and it really seems like theres no getting out of it right. his friends saw him, they see the clones, they see toritsuka faking as kusuo, they see the real kusuo holding the ground and preventing the eruption. theres no lying to get out of it. but the same as i thought from the shipwrecked episodes, of course saiki kusuo gets out of it. kaido realises it too and he just wants the truth because he trusts kusuo so much. its been there since the beginning, how much kaido cares about saiki and wants him to be happy because kusuo has made kaido happy, and how much kaido values their friendship. he has always wanted kusuo to remain safe and happy and to be friends with each other.. we see how the rest of them just want kusuo to tell the truth, because they will love him no matter what. and it was shown through the alternate timeline, too, how they dont care about the powers, even if they dont understand, that they know kusuo and know that he has their best interests in mind because he is their friend. and somehow its nendo who is the reasonable one, we have seen him be kind and understanding towards both kusuo and others at so many instances but it is this one that touches kusuo because nendo has always been there for him, throughout all sorts of situations. sure he is dumb, but nendos strength is not athletics. it is his kindness. 

then the fact that everyone agrees with him.. theres no way this is a comedy anime. this is a slice-of-life coming-of-age angst/horror anime which has comic relief.  it was shown through the alternate timeline, too, how they dont care about kusuos powers, even if they dont understand, that they know kusuo and know that he has their best interests in mind because he is their friend. and he knows that even if it is a different timeline, that they would still remain the same in the stance. so he speaks. with his mouth. its huge!! his eyes are shiny because this is absolute confirmation that they would love him even if they knew that about him, because he has given them the same treatment- he has seen a huge part of them that they dont share, and he still loves them, so the opposite is also true. ..but he cant share it yet, not until his powers are gone of course. and it makes sense, of course. if i was one of his friends, i would prefer learning about that after his powers are gone- and this is a decision he is sure about. kusuos powers have caused him so much suffering. while he has many typical teenager traits, he is all in all, incredibly different due to his enlarged responsibilities over himself and the world. sure, his powers have helped him in many situations, but for kusuo, the bad outweigh the good and this has been his ultimate goal for a very long time. while removing his powers will not get rid of the weirdness surrounding him, it will get rid of a lot of the pain and stress. and i was so fucking excited when hairo said that kusuo called everyone over- because we the audience know what will be happening. and it would definitely be for the best, as kusuo really wants to apologise for many of the things that happened because of his powers. 

and then the fucking window.

then this is why im very happy for the watch order to be posted. because this cliffhanger is too much without reawakened episode 6.

i find it so funny that while kusuo has lost his powers, that he still has the ability to break the fourth wall. when asked if his delusions are the same as kaido in middle schooler syndrome, he has to reply with an “absolutely not”. i love how he is feeling the effects of losing his powers. he has relied on his powers as another limb his entire life, and they are suddenly gone. even if they are overall bad, he still used them daily and isnt used to life without it because he was forced to live with it previously, meaning that he would find some use through the disadvantages. i also really liked how while kusuo could very blatantly feel the loss, he could also appreciate the beauties of normal life. actually be able to see his friends rather than just a skeleton, probably have a peaceful sleep, any of those powers he couldnt turn off have finally done so and he has a lot less weight as a result. it is really interesting to watch him try and get out of situations he would have previously avoided using his powers, as he has to rely on his own intuition and chance rather than himself and his abilities. 

but it is an anime, and god hates him, so kusuo is stuck with teruhashi on their project. he sees the disadvantages everywhere- things that normal people are used to but he is not, and it seems like good representation for disability- having something and then suddenly having it gone, so you are only left with routines that are no longer possible because you are missing a key component. and not only that, there are hinders towards kusuos journey. 

he gets a fucking bookshelf toppled over onto him. huhhhhhh???? would you really go so far as to kill a kid for accidentally becoming partners with a girl for one school project?? and i was also confused until i saw nendo- in all his glory. seriously, this guy is insanely good at protecting people without a single thought beforehand (he has to get it from his dad right). and not only that, we watch toritsuka and kuboyasu against the bullies- two people insanely good at beating people up. this is a great place to show some character development- nendo gives a speech to kusuo about how even the strongest can need protecting, and it is shown with how nendo instinctively went to protect him from the bookcase and toritsuka/kuboyasu went to beat up the ones who caused it.. finally kusuo himself can get protected by his friends. because he isnt used to it in the slightest. he desperately wanted to get rid of the powers without fully realising how much he relied on them for daily life. even in dangerous situations he would subconsciously rely on powers he doesnt have anymore, and he even realises it and doubts his decision. but nendo comes in and saves it and i find that very precious and important to kusuo to realise that he doesnt always have to be the overpowered one because there are people around him who still care regardless.

but it doesnt last. he cannot even get used to having no powers because they come back only two days later. the way it was presented was pretty cool, too, with how kusuos hand made an indent into the wall from where he slammed it, to the thought bubble from kusuke. and i also thought the way the dawning horror was shown was pretty cool. the purple and blue spirals towards a terrified kusuo without his limiters or glasses, at night, while kusuke continues talking and says that kusuo has evolved past being human in order to control his powers? yeah terrifying, i felt the horror in me too. because how long had he been evolving for? if hed gotten rid of the powers faster, would it have worked? if he hadnt spent so long on the volcano, could he be normal? was he ever actually normal? was it only recently since his body had changed to adapt? because with his body, kusuo relies on his powers. it could be compared to another heart, or a limb. his body needs powers because that is what they are used to. eyes that see through skin, a brain that can hear thoughts, muscles that are used to carrying boulders.. the list goes on and it shows that he has no choice but to use powers, as his mind has always been on fixing problems using parts of him that he has always had, his own biology has been on that. yeah psychological horror much.

the fact that it doesnt work. being told to live normally and peacefully without thinking about his powers doesnt work. because kusuo is far too used to them, he doesnt even think before using them for the little things in daily life such as opening the door or pushing in his seat. its like a papercut on your finger and only then do you realise how much you use that finger all the time- he doesnt realise it until its too late. and then he continues to remain ignorant until it actually happens, such as clairvoyance and new (useless) powers forming. he is already too used to it that he uses them without realising, because that was his normal. kusuo can also realise this with his dawning terror at each thing that happens with his power, with the foreboding patterns with dark colours and his horrified face. he is trying so hard to deny it because even if there are good things that come with his powers, ultimately, they cause him suffering. but it doesnt even fucking work.

its really sad to see him accidentally use powers, as they come back swiftly. kusuo is trying so hard to deny his symptoms but there is really no use: the illness is back. he teleported home, used clairvoyance, talked using telepathy, went invisible, used psycokinesis, saw through someone.. theres too many to deny that his powers are back. but kusuke asks valid questions: did anything good happen without them? and the answer is kusuo thinking about the bookshelf incident. because there are both good and bad things from it, he had to get protected and was weakened by the fact he couldnt see it coming, but it was good to know that so many people are willing to protect him. but then theres a fucking meteor. its also a manipulative thing for kusuke to do, asking that question and then thrusting a natural disaster upon his brother going through an existential crisis. because kusuo has a choice to make. he could try and suppress the powers even further and live a normal life until the end and let kusuke deal with it as that is the path that he chose. or kusuo could accept that the powers are a part of him and that people will still love him regardless, and make the choice to save the world and possibly never live normally again. and its a shitty situation all around. a seventeen year old should not have to make such a choice.

and yet he has to. because kusuo can hear his friends pleading for help, their fear, their reactions, confusion. kusuo knows he cannot have his father do something of this scale, or let his brother do something like that to their dad. he cant let the meteor hit earth because everyone he loves is there. kusuo was always one to complain verbally(mentally) about shit he gets wrapped up in, but from the context clues and his actions throughout the series, he has shown just how much he cares and tries to help even with how much he drags his feet and complains and insults. because all kusuo wants is for his friends to be happy, and to live normally. but those two things cannot coexist, at least not for long. and then he smiled. he chooses their happiness, because that is the kind of person kusuo is. he has said that he is a psychic in so many situations and for so many reasons, but at the start and end of the series, it is the same ten words.

“so my life of peace is over, but i feel that is not so bad after all.. perhaps i like to deal with hassles after all. yare yare. my name is saiki kusuo. and i am a psychic.”

[forwomenbiwomen]

Not to be alarmist but does anyone else have like zero hope for the future........

Like I've never been a depressed person and I'm not now but I genuinely see no future that I want to live in. The environment is crashing around us in ways I genuinely don't think we as humans are equipped to process. We're animals, we're not supposed to be frantically meta-analysing and fighting to uphold the literal world (well scientists and women are).

And what's happening with WW3? How scary is it for it to even be mentioned on major news sites like the BBC? That's insane and it's scary.

We've had no snow in my northern English town. It feels so incomprehensibly wrong, like there's deep genetic code that's screaming that winter is here but it's warm. It is wrong, and that's the worst part, that it's obvious and nothing's happening about it. Men have done everything wrong and I fear it's just going to be one of those things that actually did go wrong in the end. I fear it'll be one of those things with an anticlimactic ending, a fizzle out when we were expecting something to swoop in and save us. Like, oh. It just ended like that. Just the way it had been going for decades, just the path it had been on. It didn't try to bait us or mislead us, it just... did it. And we didn't stop it because someone else would in the end. And that someone never showed up.

Idk I'm motivated to fix problems like misogyny and socioeconomic issues because they seem like uniquely fixable problems in my eyes, something achievable with perseverance and information and networking, but the environment and the possibility of nuclear war is like a gut punch that I can't get my breath back from. Nothing matters if we don't have a planet to stand on and air to debate with, and so that motivation fizzles out and just becomes impotent. I know social justice issues are a cyclical, uphill battle and I'm so ready to fight for them, but the environment is a Lovecraftian endgame. We're spiralling lost in our own lives towards a deceptively simple and lethally solid wall, and most people will be confused and shocked when they fall to the ground with a fatal brain injury from walking into it headfirst.

I feel like I'm going crazy when people are just going about their daily lives, they're picking up hobbies, they're starting shows, they're planning college and university and getting married, going shopping, HAVING CHILDREN LIKE IT'S NORMAL and I'm screaming WHAT IS THE POINT?????? WHAT ARE YOU DOING??????? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??????

What do you mean I need to plan for my career? What do you mean I have homework that matters in any way? What do you mean I have time to explore the world-dont-worry-about-it? What do you mean I can entertain the possibility of having children? Are we living in alternate realities?

"You sound like you're being too hard on yourself and you should take time offline and focus on what you can do. It's important you look after yourself before anyone else." Thank you, spectre of Radblr. I will do that. While I'm still here though, I'm just hoping someone will have some good news about any of this because I feel like I've been transported into the plot of a Shakespearean tragedy, with absurdity and predestined demise to boot.

[trekkele]

How would you have liked Dick to go from Robin to Nightwing? Being fired, intentionally driven away (to become his own man but Bruce didn't comunicate that) or a peaceful seperation and Dick leaves for college? Maybe I missed some but you get what I mean.

I personally love the pre-crisis storyline where Dick goes to college and graduates from Robin on his own terms - and then passes it on as a legacy to Jason as a gift.

I think it creates this nice parallel between Batman (never meant to be a legacy, created so no one has to suffer the way Bruce did, end goal is to not be necessary) and Robin (Dick deciding that what helped him could help others, created specifically to help one person grow and move on, end goal is spread hope) where Bruce hope Batman dies with him while Dick realizes his family legacy doesn't have to die with him.

I think there should be some conflict between Dick and Bruce about his future, because they're in that transition phase from siblings-mentors-nephews to a more parental relationship, and kids going off to college or to choose a career is a very complicated part of life on both sides. I just think a team like Batman and Robin would have, by necessity, figured out communication by the time Dick is 17-18. It doesn't have to be good or even effective communication, but I do think Bruce is capable of it - and here's the important part to me

Bruce also left home to figure himself out at 18-20. He knows exactly what Dick could be getting into, and exactly what he wanted to hear at that age. He has a precedent Alfred did not, and while I don't think he would successfully talk Dick out of setting out on his own (and he might not even try! We forget the Wayne Legacy (tm) is as heavy as it is, so he definitely Gets It) I do think he would understand what Dick needs to hear and why.

So I guess my answer is a little bit of 2 mostly 3, where Bruce wants Dick to be his own man but very intentionally doesn't drive him away to do it,

[astrojulia]

Hi! Thanks for your time and effort in creating your informational posts. Do you have anything about Saturn returns? My kid adult is coming up to his Saturn return and I can see he's feeling life is a little bit heavier. He's a Pisces so he's in his feels anyway but I was hoping I could ease the burden a bit by understanding more about it. I didn't know about Saturn returns until well past my own, and I remember that time as such a crisis. Thanks, Ms. Julia!

All about Saturn Return

I always write for people who don't know anything about the subject, so feel free to skip this part.

First we need to know what is the Saturn Return, a planet return is when the planet returns to have the same sign that is in your birth chart, for example, Solar Return and Venus Return is normally each one year, Saturn's return is already every 28 to 30 years. But of course the Saturn Return is the most talked about of them all. And yeah, just a reminder, it normally takes 2 - 3 years to end your Saturn Return.

While it may sound intimidating, the Saturn Return can be a time of growth and transformation. Saturn is often associated with qualities like discipline, hard work, responsibility, and maturity, so this period can bring about important life changes and challenges. Therefore, even if for many this event is a very difficult part, for a small part it is something very good, because above all Saturn is about harvest.

Saturn's Return forces you to review four points in your life, so if you haven't questioned yourself about these matters and haven't done something about them, you will be even more challenged, which are them:

To be responsible for your own decisions, whether they are big or small, without looking for culprits;

Accept that life has its own pace and there are times when the only thing we can do is wait;

Faced your own shadow and knowing how you are anything but perfect or an “angel on this cursed land”;

Waked up from living a “fake” life;

Or making an analogy to better understand all this… I don't know if this exists in all countries, but adapt it to where you live, but I like to relate the Saturn Return to a large income tax return, every year those who work need to prove how much they earn and what they are spending it's equivalent to what you're saying what you earn... with that you need to have several documents as well as invoices... Those who keep all these files find it very easy to make such a statement... but who leaves it for the last minute…May even pay a fine.

During the first Saturn Return, which occurs in your late twenties, you may face issues related to your own identity and an area of your life like family, your house and career. It can be a time of self-discovery and introspection, where you face your fears, take responsibility for your choices, and make important decisions about your future. That's why you hear about the thirties crisis, people starting a college "out of nothing", ending marriages... It's a time to reap what you sowed.

The second Saturn Return, which occurs in your late fifties or early sixties, is another opportunity for reflection and re-evaluation. This can be a time to take stock of your life, align with your true values, and make changes that bring you closer to your life purpose. Just as it can be a period where you need to see how you are going to take care of your life, many have much older and weakened parents who need care, so it is a time to evaluate what needs to be done to continue with the best way possible to live, if the first Saturn Return was successful, this one will be even more successful (because Saturn likes old things you know).

Now here's the part that gets interesting... Saturn Return is an astrological event that has a lot of hype, but digging about this subject... I found that there's not as much information as I'd like, so we'll have parts that will be A LOT of my theory, so feel free to comment.

Saturn Placements

The star of our show, where Saturn is will be where you will be charged.

Saturn has already offered you more than 20 years of tests on the subject, because where your Saturn is in the Natal Chart is already an area that, even if you love it very much, you have a lot of difficulty

It’s a even funny thing to think but since you want to be soo good about where your Saturn is, is like everything you do to achieve is never good enough. But when you reach the age of 28/30, the moment of truth comes, how hard did you work to achieve your long term dreams? The signs speak of the greatest fears that need to be faced and the houses show where this battlefield will be.

┊ ➶ ｡˚ ° Sun Placements in Saturn Return

┊ ➶ ｡˚ ° Moon Placements in Saturn Return

┊ ➶ ｡˚ ° Mercury Placements in Saturn Return (draft)

┊ ➶ ｡˚ ° Venus Placements in Saturn Return (draft)

┊ ➶ ｡˚ ° Mars Placements in Saturn Return (draft)

Saturn Return: Saturn in Different Zodiac Signs

Saturn in Fire Signs

Fire signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) are known for their passion, creativity, and independent spirit. When Saturn is in a fire sign, its return may bring up issues related to self-expression, creativity, and personal goals.

A Saturn return in Aries can bring a much-needed dose of discipline to this impulsive sign, helping Aries natives to see their projects through to completion. In Leo, a Saturn return may focus on issues related to children, relationships, and creative self-expression. A Saturn return in Sagittarius may push you to reexamine your beliefs and philosophies and move beyond fanaticism.

However, Saturn's restrictive energy may also limit your creativity, pleasure, and moral compass during this time.

Saturn Return in Aries by house

The first house Saturn return in Aries is said to be the purest expression of a Saturn return in Aries, as the symbolism of Aries overlaps quite a bit with the symbolism of the first house. This return could involve becoming aware of physical aging and limitations of the physical body. However, it could also be a time to reinvent how the world sees you and try a new look, a name change, or a physical modification.

In the second house, having Saturn, the planet of restriction and limitation, could show that money does not come easily. However, Aries in the second house could show that one has the ability to get money quickly, even though they might be inclined to spend it just as quickly. A second house Saturn return in Aries could push one to get their finances in order and unlearn impulsive spending habits. It could also be an opportunity to accept one's own financial style and succeed on their own terms.

The third house is involved with communication, and having Saturn in this house could be associated with feeling like it is hard to communicate with others and make oneself understood. Aries in the third house might tend to think and talk fast, interrupting others often. At a third house Saturn return in Aries, one may need to make an intentional effort to learn how to listen to others. It could also be a time to address any aggressive communication tendencies and face the consequences of getting into fights.

In the fourth house, having Saturn could reflect feelings like one did not get the nurturing they need growing up, while Aries in this house might show that family dynamics include aggression or impulsivity. A fourth house Saturn return in Aries could push one to acknowledge how these dynamics have hurt them and seek more stability. Alternatively, one might want to claim the aggressive or impulsive tendencies from their heritage as their own and put their own spin on them.

The fifth house is associated with creativity and children, and a fifth house Saturn return in Aries could involve defining maturity on one's own terms instead of letting someone else tell them what is necessary to be an adult. Saturn in the fifth house might tend toward one’s inner child being overly serious, but Aries has a reputation for being a bit immature. This return could be an opportunity to balance the two and find a new understanding of what it means to be a mature adult.

The sixth house focuses on routine responsibilities and health, and having Saturn here can be associated with health problems or a very focused approach to staying healthy. Aries in the sixth house could show an impulsive approach to health, and a sixth house Saturn return in Aries could push one to get more serious about physically taking care of themselves. It could also give permission to listen to one's own intuition about how their body works best.

The seventh house is associated with significant one-on-one relationships, and having Saturn here suggests taking such relationships seriously. A seventh house Saturn return in Aries could manifest in working out the boundaries of significant relationships and finding more independence in them. It could also be a time for marriages or divorces.

The eighth house is linked with intense experiences like death and sexual intimacy, as well as sharing finances or property. Having Saturn here in one's birth chart can cause either an inability to get away from such difficult matters or a fear of approaching them. With impulsive Aries in the eighth house, one might experience heavy eighth house matters as seeming to blow up out of nowhere and out of their control. An eighth house Saturn return in Aries may encourage one to confront these issues proactively and deal with them before they deal with them.

The ninth house is associated with the systems of beliefs that make up society, like philosophies, legal codes, and religious doctrines, as well as higher education. A ninth house Saturn return in Aries might be an opportunity to pursue topics on one's own terms, like through independent study or a personal spiritual quest. It could also be a time to go back to school with newfound patience and perspective.

The tenth house is involved with matters of career and status, and having Saturn here could suggest that one's public role in the world is a source of concern. A tenth house Saturn return in Aries could push one to find a career that fits them better and provides more freedom. It could also be a time to confront the limits of one's body, especially if one's career involves risk or physical exertion.

The eleventh house is associated with friendships and community groups, and having Saturn here could mean that finding a peer group is an important focus of one's life. An eleventh house Saturn return in Aries could involve balancing individualism with social connections and finding ways to have things one's own way while also having others in their life.

Lastly, the twelfth house is associated with secrets and things that are out of view, and having Saturn here is a hidden structure or agenda running one's life that even they may not be aware of. A twelfth house Saturn return in Aries could push one to sit still and sort through the confusing matters of the twelfth house. It could involve trying walking meditation, long enough to figure out what is going on inside and gain insights.

Saturn Return in Leo by house

Saturn Return in Leo in the first house can affect a person's physical body and identity. Having Saturn in the first house could cause individuals to present themselves in a serious and dignified way, while also struggling with physical health issues. Similarly, Leo in the first house could make individuals flamboyant and artistic, but when paired with Saturn Return, they may feel like they need to tone down their personality to get a high-status job.

In the second house, Saturn Return in Leo can impact a person's financial situation and possessions. Individuals with Saturn in the second house may struggle to earn money, but they may have a disciplined attitude towards spending. Leo in the second house may tend to spend a lot on having fun, which can lead to overspending. Saturn Return in Leo in the second house can help individuals develop a budget and spend wisely.

The impact of Saturn Return in Leo in the third house is associated with communication. Saturn in the third house can make it challenging for individuals to communicate with others effectively. Leo in the third house can make individuals dramatic and self-absorbed in their communication style. Saturn Return in Leo in the third house can push individuals to become aware of their communication style and learn to express themselves within healthy boundaries.

In the fourth house, Saturn Return in Leo can affect home and family matters. Individuals with Saturn in the fourth house may feel like they did not get the nurturing they needed while growing up. Leo in the fourth house may reflect a family that is overly concerned with issues of status. Saturn Return in Leo in the fourth house can give individuals the confidence to move forward on a controversial path, and parents may grudgingly admit that perhaps they are on to something.

Saturn Return in Leo in the fifth house is associated with children and creativity. Individuals may feel like they need to become parents to be a proper adult. Leo in the fifth house may push individuals to pursue a creative career. Saturn Return in Leo in the fifth house can give individuals the discipline needed to make a go of it.

In the sixth house, Saturn Return in Leo can impact routine responsibilities, like day-to-day work and maintaining health. Individuals may be very focused on getting recognition for their work. Saturn Return in Leo can help individuals find recognition, but if they are not appreciated at work, they may need to find a job that suits them better.

Saturn Return in Leo in the seventh house is associated with significant one-on-one relationships, like marriage. Individuals with Saturn in the seventh house may take such relationships very seriously. Saturn Return can be associated with marriages or divorces, and a seventh house Saturn Return might be especially likely to go in this direction. Leo in the seventh house may tend to be concerned with the status part of relationship status, leading to the need to learn to follow one's own heart regardless of what others think.

In the eighth house, Saturn Return in Leo is linked with intense experiences, like death and sexual intimacy. Leo in the eighth house may tend to overshare about private matters. Saturn Return in Leo can push individuals to develop better boundaries around private matters.

Saturn Return in Leo in the ninth house is associated with systems of beliefs like philosophies, legal codes, and religious doctrines. Academia tends to be structured in a way that Leo in the ninth house would love, so a ninth house Saturn Return in Leo could involve finally getting a degree or going back to school. However, individuals may have better results if they pursue an academic path that is a true expression of their passion rather than one that they think will impress others.

In the tenth house, Saturn Return in Leo is involved with matters of career and status. Individuals may achieve prominence in their profession with hard work, but it may also be hard to feel like they have ever done enough. Saturn Return in Leo can drive individuals to examine what motivates their ambition and pursue a path that actually works for them personally.

Saturn Return in Leo in the eleventh house is associated with friendships and community groups. Individuals may find that their commitments to groups and organizations become overwhelming for them. Saturn Return in Leo can push individuals to drop commitments that they are not passionate about.

Finally, Saturn Return in Leo in the twelfth house is associated with secrets and things that are out of view. Individuals with Leo in the twelfth house may find it hard to access the flamboyant, creative energy of Leo. Saturn Return in Leo can give individuals an opportunity to acknowledge their potential in this regard and learn to be honest about their hidden side.

Saturn Return in Sagittarius by house

The first house is associated with one's physical body and identity, and having Saturn in this house can result in a serious and dignified personal presentation, as well as potential struggles with physical health. If Sagittarius is present in the first house, one may identify themselves with a religious or political commitment, and a Saturn Return in Sagittarius could cause one to question their identity without these beliefs. This house also relates to travel or contact with different cultures, and a Saturn Return in Sagittarius could lead to an emphasis on embracing one's unique cultural identity.

The second house relates to personal finance and possessions, and having Saturn in this house generally suggests that money does not come easily. Sagittarius in the second house may indicate a strong philosophy guiding spending and saving habits, but it is important to confront unrealistic views regarding money or possessions during a Saturn Return in Sagittarius. Pleasure may also become complicated, and one may need to correct imbalances related to entertainment spending and necessities during this time.

The third house is associated with communication, and having Saturn in this house can result in difficulty communicating and feeling understood. If Sagittarius is present in this house, one may find it hard to express deep thoughts in small talk and may be tempted to share unsolicited advice or divisive opinions. During a Saturn Return in Sagittarius, one may learn to stand up for themselves in conversation and acknowledge reasonable boundaries about what they can and cannot say.

The fourth house focuses on home and family matters, and having Saturn in this house can reflect a lack of nurturing during childhood. If Sagittarius is present in the fourth house, one may have emigrated from one country to another or have parents from different cultures. A Saturn Return in Sagittarius could be a time to explore cultural heritage and confront whether the beliefs one was raised with are truly fitting.

The fifth house is associated with children and creativity, and a Saturn Return in Sagittarius may lead to becoming a parent or feeling like one must become a parent to be a proper adult. Sagittarius in the fifth house also relates to pleasure and risk-taking, and a Saturn Return may prompt one to tone down excessive behavior or allow more pleasure into their life. If one is a parent during this time, they may need to balance their own preferences with other important factors.

The sixth house relates to routine responsibilities such as work and health, and having Saturn in this house can lead to a focus on maintaining good health or potential health problems. Sagittarius in the sixth house suggests an idealistic approach to habits and routines, and a Saturn Return in Sagittarius may result in finding new inspiration for organizing one's life. One may also desire work with meaning, and a Saturn Return may prompt a change from a frustrating job or finding purpose in their current work.

The seventh house is associated with relationships, and having Saturn in this house indicates a serious approach to significant one-on-one relationships like marriage. A Saturn Return in Sagittarius may lead to marriage or divorce, and Sagittarius in the seventh house suggests a desire for a partner with intellectual depth or cultural background. One may need to change beliefs about relationships to maintain a comfortable connection.

The eighth house invoeighth houselves intense experiences like death and sexual intimacy, as well as shared finances and property. Having Saturn in this house can indicate difficulty with such matters, and Sagittarius in the eighth house may lead to bold exploration of intimidating experiences. A Saturn Return in Sagittarius may prompt bringing one's belief system in alignment with profound experiences, and one may need to ensure they are not taken advantage of in financial or property matters.

The ninth house is associated with beliefs, higher education, and travel to different cultures. Having Saturn in this house may suggest a dogmatic approach to societal structures or difficulty with such structures. A Saturn Return in Sagittarius may involve questioning or clarifying beliefs, or finishing a degree or returning to school.

The tenth house relates to career and status, and having Saturn in this house suggests concern with one's public role in the world. Sagittarius in the tenth house may lead to a desire for a career with freedom and opportunities to learn. A Saturn Return in Sagittarius may prompt finding a better fit for one's job and examining beliefs about authority figures.

The eleventh house is associated with friendships and community groups, and having Saturn in this house may indicate a focus on finding a peer group. A Saturn Return in Sagittarius may lead to discovering true friends and examining one's own role in any loneliness experienced.

The twelfth house relates to secrets and hidden agendas, and having Saturn in this house suggests a hidden structure or agenda running one's life. Sagittarius in the twelfth house may involve hiding a thoughtful and joyful part of oneself, and a Saturn Return in Sagittarius may prompt acknowledging this hidden part. A great use of this time may be traveling alone to get to know oneself better.

Saturn in Earth Signs

Earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) are known for their practicality, stability, and hard work. When Saturn is in an earth sign, its return may push you out of your comfort zone and encourage you to take risks.

A Saturn return in Taurus may bring up themes related to money, resources, and values. In Virgo, a Saturn return may force you to confront issues related to your health, career, and daily lifestyle. Saturn is very comfortable in Capricorn, its home sign, but even here, it can stir up themes related to career, family, order, duty, stability, and responsibility.

Saturn's energy can help you build a solid foundation for your future, but it may also feel restrictive or limiting at times.

Saturn Return in Taurus by house

In the first house, the physical body and identity are influenced by Saturn's presence, leading to a more serious and dignified presentation. With Taurus in this house, a desire for beauty could become all-consuming, especially during the Saturn return when one becomes aware of aging. However, this period could also provide an opportunity to focus on physical health and discover new ways to enhance one's current self.

In the second house, Saturn's influence on finances and possessions could lead to limited resources, but also a disciplined attitude towards what money is available. Taurus in this house is comfortable with financial affairs and has a practical approach to financial security. However, the Saturn return could trigger a shift in priorities, requiring a careful consideration of financial habits that no longer work.

The third house is associated with communication, and Saturn's presence here could make it challenging to express oneself effectively. Taurus, on the other hand, is associated with the voice, making this physical aspect of communication especially significant. During a third house Saturn return in Taurus, one may become aware of how physical quirks, such as an unusual voice or awkward body language, interfere with effective communication. This period could offer an opportunity to work on these issues and gain deeper psychological insights into how one communicates.

The fourth house is linked to home and family matters, and with Saturn's influence, one may feel a lack of nurturing during childhood. Taurus in this house desires a secure and cozy home, and during a Saturn return, one could feel an intense pull to buy the perfect house. However, one should be careful not to become obsessive about remodeling or house-hunting. Instead, this period could provide an opportunity to explore family origins and address any suppressed issues that could affect future foundations.

In the fifth house, children and creativity are associated with Saturn's return, and one may feel the pressure to become a parent to be considered a proper adult. Taurus in this house could make one a nurturing parent, but the Saturn return could also bring financial concerns to the forefront. Additionally, changes in one's body may affect how they approach attracting partners, requiring an adjustment of strategies.

The sixth house focuses on routine responsibilities, and Saturn here may indicate health problems or a strong focus on staying healthy. Taurus in this house is a reliable worker, but during the Saturn return, one may realize that their commitment to a job isn't appreciated. This could lead to changes in routine and a search for a better fit.

The seventh house is associated with significant one-on-one relationships, and Saturn's presence here suggests that one takes these relationships seriously. A Saturn return in Taurus could lead to a change in relationship status, but Taurus in this house may prioritize security over the right partner. This period could bring up the question of whether one has sacrificed too much for a relationship to work.

The eighth house is linked to intense experiences such as death, sexual intimacy, and sharing finances or property. A Saturn return in Taurus could emphasize the financial side of this house, leading to achieving financial goals or sudden financial struggles. Taurus's desire for things to be predictable and touchable could make it challenging to accept experiences that don't fit those norms.

The ninth house is associated with systems of beliefs, legal codes, religious doctrines, and higher education. Saturn's presence here could make one a dogmatic enforcer or someone continually blocked by these structures. Taurus in this house values belonging to a religious tradition, but during a Saturn return, one may be challenged to articulate their reasons for being there.

The tenth house is involved in matters of career and status, and Saturn's presence here could indicate a concern with one's public role. Taurus in this house may prioritize financial stability in their career choice. During a Saturn return, this could lead to solidifying one's commitment to a good fit or making changes if financial stability has tied them to a job they hate.

The eleventh house is associated with friendships and community groups, and Saturn's presence here could make finding a peer group an important focus. Taurus in this house may have stable friendships, and during a Saturn return, one may find their longtime commitment rewarded. However, if one has been loyal to friends without considering compatibility, this period could bring up a need to confront these relationships.

The twelfth house is associated with secrets and hidden structures, and Saturn's presence here could indicate a hidden agenda running one's life. Taurus in this house could desire security but may struggle with the more mystical experiences associated with this house. During a Saturn return, becoming open to mystery could be necessary.

Saturn Return in Virgo by house

The first house is associated with an individual's physical body and identity. With Saturn in the first house, individuals may present themselves in a serious and dignified manner, while also struggling with physical body issues. Additionally, their Saturn return in Virgo may push them to prioritize their physical health and well-being.

The second house is linked to money and possessions. With Saturn in this house, individuals may face challenges in acquiring wealth, but may have a disciplined attitude towards whatever money they do have. With Virgo in the second house, individuals may be very careful with their money, but their Saturn return may push them to confront any fears or anxieties around money and scarcity.

The third house involves communication and the way individuals express themselves. With Saturn in this house, individuals may find it challenging to communicate with others and make themselves understood. With Virgo in the third house, individuals may be precise and hold themselves and others to high standards in communication. However, their Saturn return may show them the limits of this approach and push them to become more attentive to things unsaid.

The fourth house is associated with home and family matters. With Saturn here, individuals may have felt like they did not receive the nurturing they needed growing up. With Virgo in this house, individuals may examine whether the financial lessons they learned from their family are still serving them. Additionally, their Saturn return may present an opportunity to learn domestic skills and develop routines that work for them.

The fifth house is linked to creativity and children. With Saturn in this house, individuals may feel pressure to become a parent in order to be considered a proper adult. With Virgo in this house, individuals may refine their artistic or creative skills with meticulous attention to detail. However, their Saturn return may push them to confront any perfectionistic tendencies and examine the limits of their creative abilities.

The sixth house is associated with routine responsibilities, such as maintaining one's health and work. With Saturn in this house, individuals may be very focused on staying healthy and may face health problems. With Virgo in this house, individuals may believe that putting in effort gets results, but their Saturn return may push them to confront whether their efforts are actually getting them the results they desire or whether they need to make changes.

The seventh house is linked to significant one-on-one relationships, such as marriage. With Saturn in this house, individuals may take such relationships very seriously. With Virgo in this house, individuals may look for a practical partner to balance out their dreamy nature. Their Saturn return may test how well they are handling this dynamic in their relationships and may push them to learn to take care of themselves more instead of relying too heavily on their partner.

The eighth house is associated with intense experiences such as sexual intimacy or death. With Saturn in this house, individuals may have an inability to get away from such difficult matters or a fear of approaching them. With Virgo in the eighth house, individuals may be very good at handling the technical details of complicated financial agreements. However, their Saturn return may push them to examine any assumptions they hold around mystical experiences and let go of some of their need for control.

The ninth house is linked to societal structures such as religion, philosophy, and higher education. With Saturn in this house, individuals may be either an especially dogmatic enforcer of such structures or someone who seems to be continually blocked by them. With Virgo in this house, individuals may be devoted to the rules of whatever system they are affiliated with, but their Saturn return may show them the consequences of enforcing rules in an overly rigid way.

The tenth house is associated with career and status. With Saturn in this house, individuals may feel that their public role in the world is a source of concern for them. With Virgo in this house, individuals may enjoy a career that allows them to use specific technical skills. Their Saturn return may provide recognition for their progress, but may also push them to confront any frustration with an overly critical authority figure.

The eleventh house is linked to friendships and community groups. With Saturn in this house, individuals may feel shut out of social connections early on in life, but may find commitments to groups and organizations overwhelming later on. With Virgo in this house, individuals may be drawn to volunteering for causes or organizations that matter to them. Their Saturn return may present challenges if their focused effort contributes to their organization achieving a success so big that it puts them out of a job.

The twelfth house is associated with secrets and hidden anxieties. With Saturn in this house, individuals may have a hidden structure or agenda running their life that even they may not be aware of. With Virgo in the twelfth house, individuals may keep a lot of worries to themselves. Their Saturn return may make it harder than usual to keep a lid on their anxieties, but may also provide an opportunity for reflection and self-organization.

Saturn Return in Capricorn by house

In the first house, Saturn's placement is associated with an individual's physical body and their identity. With Saturn in the first house, individuals may present themselves in a serious and dignified way, but may also struggle with a problem involving their physical body. Capricorn in the first house could have a similar effect of making individuals look wise beyond their years, allowing them to grow into the image they portray at their first house Saturn return in Capricorn. However, individuals might find that getting old is a bit different from what they expected once they get to this critical point, and having new insights that change their identity in some way could be jarring. Nevertheless, being adaptable can make them stronger.

In the second house, Saturn's placement focuses on money and possessions. In general, having Saturn in the second house could show that money does not come easily to individuals, but they might have a disciplined attitude toward whatever money they do have. With Capricorn in the second house, individuals may be careful about their finances, and their second house Saturn return in Capricorn could be a time when their saving pays off, allowing them to afford a major purchase they have been eyeing. However, they might also tend to think they have less money than they actually do. If their attitude toward their finances tends to fixate on scarcity, they may run the risk of making their fears come true at their second house Saturn return in Capricorn. Being grateful for whatever they have can help them expand their resources.

In the third house, Saturn's placement is involved with communication. Having Saturn in the third house, regardless of its sign, can be associated with feeling like it is hard for individuals to communicate with the people around them and make themselves understood. If they have Capricorn in their third house, they may be a person of few words. This might be at least partly due to an ability to clearly see the main points of any subject. Their third house Saturn return in Capricorn could be a time when they really hit their stride in explaining things to others. They might also be overly focused on being proper in their communication, to the point they are unable to express things that really matter to them. Another potential danger in this approach is that they could miss out on something important that someone else is trying to tell them because they don’t present their case in quite the right way. A situation of this sort could be significant at their third house Saturn return in Capricorn.

In the fourth house, Saturn's placement focuses on home and family matters. In general, having Saturn in the fourth house can reflect that individuals felt like they did not get the nurturing they need growing up. With Capricorn in the fourth house, their family may have prioritized ambition over an emotional connection. Their fourth house Saturn return in Capricorn could make them very aware of the soft skills they missed learning on their climb to the top. That said, Capricorn in the fourth house can also indicate a family that has a basically secure structure, even if it is not always the warmest family. Their fourth house Saturn return in Capricorn may nudge them to help their family when they need it – or their family might turn out to support them in some way.

In the fifth house, Saturn's placement is associated with children and creativity. Some people become parents at their Saturn returns, and a fifth house Saturn return could be especially likely to go in this direction. Individuals might feel like they have to become a parent in order to be a proper adult. Capricorn in the fifth house could make a serious effort to bring order to something chaotic, like children or the creative process. While this might sound like a doomed quest, they could potentially succeed in implementing their artistic vision at their fifth house Saturn return in Capricorn. If they are raising or working closely with children at their fifth house Saturn return in Capricorn, they may be challenged to weigh their idea of how things should go against what the children in front of them actually show them that they need. A truly sound structure must pass the test of messy reality.

In the sixth house, Saturn's placement focuses on an individual's routine responsibilities, like the day-to-day part of their work and what they must do to maintain their health. Saturn in the sixth house can be associated with health problems, but it might just show that individuals are very focused on staying healthy even if they don’t have an illness to be concerned about. With Capricorn in the sixth house, individuals may push themselves hard for productivity in their work and daily routines. Their focused effort could bring them to a significant achievement at their sixth house Saturn return in Capricorn, but they might also experience burnout if they have been pursuing their goals in a way that is not sustainable. Alternately, they might have a tendency to slack off, especially if they were burned by a parent or other authority figure who pushed them too hard when they were growing up. In this case, their sixth house Saturn return in Capricorn could help them find their own rhythm for getting things done.

In the seventh house, Saturn's placement is associated with significant one-on-one relationships including but not limited to marriage. Having Saturn here natally can suggest that individuals take such relationships very seriously. Saturn returns can be associated with marriages or divorces, and a seventh house Saturn return might be especially likely to go in this direction of changing their relationship status. If they have Capricorn in their seventh house, they may want a partner who can bring stability to their life. At their seventh house Saturn return in Capricorn, rushing into marriage for the sake of settling down could be tempting. Marrying now might not be wrong, but they should be aware of what they are doing and why. If they’ve already been in a committed relationship for some time, though, their seventh house Saturn return in Capricorn could be a time when they question whether they are getting all of the security they need from their relationship. They might feel like they have to choose between emotional warmth and financial stability. Perhaps they can ultimately have some of both, but they may need to develop the courage to ask for it out loud.

In the eighth house, Saturn's placement is linked with intense experiences like death and sexual intimacy. Boundaries tend to blur in these extreme situations, so the eighth house also handles situations of sharing finances or property. It can even take in paranormal experiences where the basic structures of the physical world do not perform as expected. Having Saturn here in an individual's birth chart can cause either an inability to get away from such difficult matters or a fear of approaching them. With Capricorn in their eighth house, individuals may have a practical attitude toward the financial commitments they make with others. However, it might be hard for them to acknowledge how emotional they really feel about their money and their possessions. If there is a major imbalance here, their eighth house Saturn return in Capricorn could bring it out. Also, Capricorn in the eighth house could potentially be refreshingly pragmatic about death. In that case, they might as well use the energy of their eighth house Saturn return in Capricorn to plan things like their will. They may even be called upon to handle someone else’s estate.

In the ninth house, Saturn's placement is associated with the systems of beliefs that make up society, like philosophies, legal codes, and religious doctrines. It is also linked to higher education. A person with Saturn in the ninth house, in general, might be either an especially dogmatic enforcer of such structures or someone who seems to be continually blocked by them. The organized nature of Capricorn overall fits well with the vibe of the ninth house. Individuals could achieve an academic degree they have been working toward at their ninth house Saturn return in Capricorn. Their academic journey might tend to emphasize effort and professional ambition rather than passion, and this is fine as long as it works for them. A potential problem with Capricorn in the ninth house could be a tendency to emphasize the letter of the law over the spirit of the law. If they do this, they might get called on it at their ninth house Saturn return in Capricorn. They should embrace opportunities to restructure their thinking in a way that makes it stronger.

In the tenth house, Saturn's placement is involved with matters of career and status. Having Saturn in the tenth house natally could suggest that an individual's public role in the world is a source of concern for them. With hard work, they may achieve prominence in their profession, but it may also be hard to feel like they have ever done enough. The symbolism of the sign of Capricorn overlaps substantially with the symbolism of the tenth house, so a tenth house Saturn return in Capricorn could have a double dose of the basic Saturn return in Capricorn themes. Professional ambition could definitely be a huge focus of a tenth house Saturn return in Capricorn. They may be able to achieve a career goal they have been working toward for a long time. However, any goal they achieve at their tenth house Saturn return in Capricorn might have to truly be their goal. If they were pushed into a particular career by a parent or other authority figure, they may wind up questioning it at their tenth house Saturn return in Capricorn.

In the eleventh house, Saturn's placement is associated with friendships and community groups. In general, having Saturn in the eleventh house could mean that finding a peer group is an important focus of an individual's life. Early on, they may feel shut out of social connections, like they do not come easily to them. Once they hit their stride, though, they may find that their commitments to groups and organizations become overwhelming for them. With Capricorn in their eleventh house, they could be drawn to friends who are ambitious and going places in life. In a best-case scenario, they might find at their eleventh house Saturn return in Capricorn that their friends are able to cheer them on as they pursue their goals. However, if they feel obligated to put up a good front for their friends, they may feel isolated at their eleventh house Saturn return in Capricorn. Most journeys toward success include both ups and downs, and relationships where they can’t be honest about their challenges might not last.

In the twelfth house, Saturn's placement is associated with secrets and things that are out of view. Saturn represents structure, so Saturn in the twelfth house is a hidden structure, a hidden agenda running an individual's life that even they may not be aware of. If they have Capricorn in their twelfth house, they might secretly be more traditional than the image they portray to others. This could especially be the case if they also have Aquarius Rising, as many people with Capricorn in the twelfth house do. At their twelfth house Saturn return in Capricorn, circumstances may push them to become more honest with themselves and others about the full complexity of their personality. On the plus side, they might discover they are more practical and organized than they think they are.

Saturn in Air Signs

Air signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) are known for their intellectual curiosity, communication skills, and social savvy. When Saturn is in an air sign, its return may challenge your thinking, communication style, and relationships.

A Saturn return in Gemini may push you to find emotional and mental balance by connecting to your truth. Saturn's exaltation in Libra makes this placement more harmonious, but it can still bring up issues related to partnership, finances, and independence. In Aquarius, Saturn may encourage you to question conventional wisdom and embrace your individuality.

Saturn's energy can help you refine your thinking and communication skills, but it may also create obstacles in your relationships or career.

Saturn Return in Gemini by house

In the first house, Saturn return in Gemini may lead to a wardrobe makeover or health issues. People with Saturn in the first house tend to present themselves in a serious and dignified manner. However, individuals with Gemini in the first house can tend to look younger than they are, and this may result in an awkward combination with Saturn in the first house. A first house Saturn return in Gemini may lead to purging one's wardrobe for a makeover. Individuals may also discover a health problem during this period, and the mental aspect of Gemini can be powerful.

In the second house, Saturn return in Gemini may test whether an individual has spread themselves too thin or needs a side hustle. The second house is associated with money and possessions, and having Saturn in the second house may indicate that money does not come easily to an individual. However, individuals with Gemini in the second house may be associated with multiple income streams, and they may be able to keep track of complicated financial arrangements. A second house Saturn return in Gemini may push individuals to simplify their lives by picking one income stream and getting better at it.

In the third house, the symbolism overlaps quite a bit with that of the sign of Gemini. A third house Saturn return in Gemini may push individuals to confront some of their basic strategies for interacting with others. They may start to notice things that seem small, like whether they interrupt or are interrupted by others in conversation. However, working on these issues could help individuals develop more fulfilling connections.

In the fourth house, Saturn return in Gemini may push individuals to look at whether their home life worked well for them growing up. The fourth house is associated with home and family matters, and having Saturn in the fourth house may reflect that an individual did not get the nurturing they needed growing up. Gemini in the fourth house could reflect that there was a lot of activity and conversation in an individual's family life when they were growing up. A fourth house Saturn return in Gemini may push individuals to nurture themselves and build a home life that suits their needs.

In the fifth house, Saturn return in Gemini may involve becoming a parent or dealing with childhood memories. The fifth house is associated with children and creativity, and some people become parents during their Saturn returns. A fifth house Saturn return could make individuals feel like they have to become a parent to be a proper adult. Individuals with Gemini in the fifth house may have common childhood experiences like learning to get along with siblings and attending school. A fifth house Saturn return in Gemini may push individuals to make things better for their children than they experienced in their childhood.

In the sixth house, Saturn return in Gemini may help individuals nail down their system for getting things done. The sixth house focuses on routine responsibilities like work and maintaining health, and individuals with Gemini in the sixth house may be great at multitasking. A sixth house Saturn return in Gemini may be a time when individuals really nail down their system for getting things done, and they might even become the next organizational guru.

In the seventh house, Saturn return in Gemini may lead to changing relationship status or finding a mate who is versatile enough to keep up with them. The seventh house is associated with significant one-on-one relationships including marriage, and having Saturn here natally can suggest that such relationships are taken very seriously. A seventh house Saturn return in Gemini may be a time when individuals find a mate who is versatile enough to keep up with them. However, individuals may also struggle with dynamics similar to sibling rivalry in their adult relationships.

In the eighth house, Saturn return in Gemini may involve developing the courage to speak up about something they have shame about or having stronger boundaries in how they share resources with others. The eighth house is linked with intense experiences like death and sexual intimacy. Individuals with Saturn here in their birth chart may find it challenging to approach difficult matters. A twelfth house Saturn return in Gemini could involve developing the courage to speak up about something they have shame about, which may help others as well as themselves. Alternatively, it may push individuals to have stronger boundaries in how they share resources with others.

In the ninth house, Saturn return in Gemini may involve confronting political or religious turmoil. The ninth house is associated with the systems of beliefs that make up society, like philosophies and religious doctrines. Individuals with Saturn in the ninth house may be either an especially dogmatic enforcer of such structures or someone who seems to be continually blocked by them. A ninth house Saturn return in Gemini may be a time when individuals confront the political or religious turmoil they grew up with.

In the tenth house, Saturn return in Gemini may push individuals to become more consistent. The tenth house is involved with matters of career and status. Having Saturn in the tenth house natally could suggest that an individual's public role in the world is a source of concern for them. With hard work, they may achieve prominence in their profession, but it may also be hard to feel like they have ever done enough. Individuals with Gemini in the tenth house could excel in a career that involves communicating and interacting with others.

In the eleventh house, Saturn return in Gemini may push individuals to identify who their real friends are. The eleventh house is associated with friendships and community groups. Individuals with Saturn in the eleventh house may feel shut out of social connections, but they may find their commitments to groups and organizations overwhelming. Individuals with Gemini in the eleventh house may have a social life that is broad but not necessarily deep. An eleventh house Saturn return in Gemini may push individuals to identify who their real friends are when the going gets tough.

In the twelfth house, Saturn return in Gemini may involve airing a personal or family secret or developing stronger boundaries in the way they talk with people. The twelfth house is associated with secrets and things that are out of view. Individuals with Saturn here in their birth chart may have a hidden agenda running their life that even they may not be aware of. A twelfth house Saturn return in Gemini may be a time when individuals finally get the courage to air a personal or family secret that has been holding them back, or it may push individuals to develop stronger boundaries in the way they talk with people, especially if they have been careless with the secrets of others in the years leading up to their Saturn return.

Saturn Return in Libra by house

In the first house, the Saturn Return in Libra may involve presenting oneself in a serious and dignified way. Those with this placement may become more aware of their physical body and identity, and may feel that they need to take better care of themselves. They may also struggle with physical issues, and this placement can be a time of learning to take care of oneself.

In the second house, the Saturn Return in Libra may involve learning to advocate for oneself financially. Those with this placement may find it difficult to make money, but they may have a disciplined attitude toward whatever money they do have. They may also have a desire to make others happy, but they will need to learn to prioritize their own needs when it comes to financial issues.

In the third house, the Saturn Return in Libra may involve finding a balance between expressing oneself and maintaining harmony with others. Those with this placement may struggle with communicating with those around them and making themselves understood. They may also feel inhibited in what they say, leading to a desire to avoid hurting anyone's feelings. This placement can be a time of learning to find a point of balance where they can express what really matters as respectfully as they can, even if not everyone is happy in the moment.

In the fourth house, the Saturn Return in Libra may involve dealing with family tension or finding comfort at home. Those with this placement may have felt like they did not get the nurturing they needed growing up or may have grown up in a family that put a priority on looking good. This placement can be a time of discovering what makes them comfortable and arranging their current home life accordingly.

In the fifth house, the Saturn Return in Libra may involve changing one's approach to romance or becoming a parent. Those with this placement may be too focused on the physical appearance of prospective partners and need to pay more attention to other qualities. They may also feel like they have to become a parent in order to be a proper adult. This placement can be a time of learning to change their approach to romance or parenthood and finding a balance between their own desires and the needs of others.

In the sixth house, the Saturn Return in Libra may involve discovering a routine that works or becoming more grounded in reality. Those with this placement may have been pursuing a routine in an overly rigid way and need to allow their real needs to assert themselves. They may also consider physical beauty to be an important marker of their physical health and spend a lot of time maintaining their appearance. This placement can be a time of discovering a way of arranging their routine that truly works for them, grounded in reality.

In the seventh house, the Saturn Return in Libra may involve facing gaps between ideal and actual relationships. Those with this placement may take significant one-on-one relationships very seriously and may struggle with gaps between their ideal relationship and how it actually functions in the real world. This placement is often associated with marriages or divorces and can be a time of significant change in one's relationship status.

In the eighth house, the Saturn Return in Libra may involve negotiating shared resources or facing trouble with unrealistic ideals. Those with this placement may be optimistic and assume the best in people, leading to trouble if others do not share the same ideals. This placement can be a time of negotiating shared resources or facing trouble with unrealistic ideals when it comes to one's finances or possessions.

In the ninth house, the Saturn Return in Libra may involve facing legal or philosophical issues. Those with this placement may become gloomy about the realization that life does not seem to be fair or may need to decide what they must accept as unchangeable and what they can work on to make the world a more just place. This placement can be a time of facing legal or philosophical issues related to one's beliefs or higher education.

In the tenth house, the Saturn Return in Libra may involve achieving career goals or dealing with dysfunctional authority. Those with this placement may feel like their public role in the world is a source of concern and may struggle with feeling like they have not done enough. They may also be drawn to a career that gives them an opportunity to put things in order and make them look good. This placement can be a time of achieving career goals or dealing with dysfunctional authority when it comes to one's public role.

In the eleventh house, the Saturn Return in Libra may involve confronting unfair dynamics in friendships or deepening commitment to groups. Those with this placement may feel shut out of social connections early on but may find that their commitments to groups and organizations become overwhelming later in life. This placement can be a time of deepening commitment to a friend group or organization, or confronting unfair dynamics in friendships or other group commitments.

In the twelfth house, the Saturn Return in Libra may involve getting in touch with a sensitive side or facing secrecy in close relationships. Those with this placement may have a hidden agenda running their life that even they may not be aware of, and this placement is often associated with secrets and things that are out of view. This placement can be a time of getting in touch with a sensitive side or facing secrecy in close relationships and learning to be honest with oneself about the problems caused by trying to make everybody happy.

Saturn Return in Aquarius by house

The first house is associated with an individual's physical body and identity. Having Saturn in the first house can cause an individual to present themselves in a serious and dignified way, leading to a struggle with a problem involving their physical body. However, if Aquarius is present in this house, an individual may enjoy having a unique appearance, but this could become problematic when trying to achieve certain goals. This house's impact suggests a need for individuals to balance their individuality with their goals, finding ways to express themselves while working towards their aspirations.

The second house is linked with money and possessions. Having Saturn in the second house can indicate that money does not come easily, leading to a disciplined attitude towards whatever finances an individual has. On the other hand, if Aquarius is present in this house, an individual may have a logical attitude towards their resources and may be willing to try experimental investments. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to balance their logical approach to finances with a grounded sense of reality, finding ways to make sound investments while not getting carried away by their innovative ideas.

The third house is associated with communication. Having Saturn in the third house can cause difficulty in making oneself understood. If Aquarius is present in this house, an individual may be comfortable using technology to communicate, which could lead to oversharing. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to develop better communication skills, finding ways to express themselves clearly while being mindful of what they share with others.

The fourth house deals with home and family matters. Having Saturn in the fourth house can make an individual feel they did not get enough nurturing during their upbringing. However, if Aquarius is present in this house, an individual may come from a quirky and independent family. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to acknowledge the nurturing they lacked in their upbringing, finding ways to embrace their roots while also developing healthy boundaries.

The fifth house is associated with children and creativity. Having Saturn in the fifth house can make an individual feel they need to become a parent to be a proper adult. If Aquarius is present in this house, an individual may not be satisfied with traditional ways of dating, mating, and having children, leading to a desire to innovate. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to balance their desire for creativity and individuality with their responsibilities as parents, finding ways to express themselves while also nurturing their children.

The sixth house focuses on routine responsibilities and staying healthy. Having Saturn in the sixth house can indicate a disciplined attitude towards one's routine and health. If Aquarius is present in this house, an individual may have a clear idea of how things like their routine and diet should function, which could lead to dogmatic behavior. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to find a balance between their innovative ideas for health and routine while also being mindful of their bodies' needs and limitations.

The seventh house deals with significant one-on-one relationships. Having Saturn in the seventh house can suggest taking these relationships seriously. If Aquarius is present in this house, an individual may prefer to organize their relationships on their own terms. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to work on their communication skills, finding ways to express their unique views while also ensuring their partners are on the same page.

The eighth house is linked with intense experiences such as death and sexual intimacy. Having Saturn in the eighth house can cause fear or an inability to approach such experiences. If Aquarius is present in this house, an individual may have a desire to share their finances or property with others in the name of universal brotherhood. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to find a balance between their desire to share and their need for privacy, finding ways to express their ideals while also being mindful of potential exploitation.

The ninth house is associated with beliefs and higher education. Having Saturn in the ninth house can make an individual dogmatic or blocked by societal structures. If Aquarius is present in this house, an individual may have a gift for tracing societal ills to flaws in philosophical underpinnings. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to find a balance between their desire for change and their respect for established structures, finding ways to express their ideas while also being mindful of others' beliefs.

The tenth house deals with career and public status. Having Saturn in the tenth house can suggest concern for one's public role in the world. If Aquarius is present in this house, an individual may be drawn to a career involving innovation and technology. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to find a balance between their desire to innovate and their need to adhere to established structures, finding ways to express their unique ideas while also being mindful of their responsibilities.

The eleventh house is associated with friendships and community groups. Having Saturn in the eleventh house can mean finding a peer group is an important focus. If Aquarius is present in this house, an individual may fall out with a bad crowd that discourages their individuality or solidify their commitment to a community that shares their vision for improving the world. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to find a balance between their desire for acceptance and their need for individuality, finding ways to express themselves while also finding like-minded individuals.

The twelfth house deals with secrets and things that are out of view. Having Saturn in the twelfth house can indicate a hidden agenda running an individual's life. If Aquarius is present in this house, an individual may conceal their unique quirks, but may need to open up to build select groups that understand them. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to find ways to express themselves even in the face of potential criticism or rejection, finding like-minded individuals who understand and accept them.

Saturn in Water Signs

Water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) are known for their emotional depth, intuition, and sensitivity. When Saturn is in a water sign, its return may challenge you to confront your fears, deepen your emotional maturity, and face your shadows.

A Saturn return in Cancer may manifest as emotional heaviness or the need to build better boundaries. In Scorpio, a Saturn return can be a time of transformation and spiritual rebirth. In Pisces, Saturn may push you to question your beliefs and find a path to living out your dreams.

Saturn's energy can be intense in water signs, but it can also help you develop greater emotional resilience and spiritual depth.

Saturn Return in Cancer by house

The first house is associated with an individual's physical body and identity, and Saturn Return in Cancer in this house can bring about opportunities to formalize one's role as a caregiver. People with Saturn in the first house tend to present themselves in a serious and dignified way, and those with Cancer in the first house are often seen as good at taking care of others. However, at the time of the Saturn Return, it is important to set boundaries and prevent others from taking advantage of one's kindness.

The second house is related to money and possessions. For someone with Saturn in the second house, money does not come easily, but they may have a disciplined attitude toward whatever money they do have. Having Cancer in the second house may lead to seeking emotional security through material possessions. Saturn Return in Cancer in this house can challenge this habit and push individuals to find security in other ways. If someone has been able to handle money in an emotionally balanced way, this Saturn Return can bring financial stability, which can help them achieve their goals.

The third house is associated with communication. Those with Saturn in the third house may find it hard to communicate with the people around them and make themselves understood. With Cancer in the third house, emotions could be a big part of communication. Combined with the blockages that Saturn in the third house can bring, this could come out as being afraid to say anything because you might hurt someone's feelings. At the time of the Saturn Return in Cancer in the third house, it is important to become more conscious of how emotions are used in communication.

The fourth house is related to home and family matters. Those with Saturn in the fourth house may have felt like they did not get the nurturing they needed growing up. With Saturn in Cancer, in general, the vibes are similar. A Saturn Return in Cancer in the fourth house could be an opportunity to examine childhood emotional wounds. This Saturn Return can also bring an opportunity to buy a home or settle down in a stable residence.

The fifth house is linked with children and creativity. For someone with Saturn in the fifth house, a fifth house Saturn Return in Cancer could push them to negotiate boundaries between self-care and caring for others if the possibility of having children is on their mind. This Saturn Return can also help them be more honest about what they want in dating and romance.

The sixth house is associated with daily responsibilities and health. If someone has Cancer in the sixth house, they may be drawn to a job that provides security or a nurturing environment even if it has other drawbacks. Saturn Return in Cancer in this house may bring attention to the bargains made for security and nurturing environments. It can also affect habits like diet and exercise and encourage one to nurture themselves more kindly.

The seventh house is related to significant relationships. Saturn Return in Cancer in the seventh house can push individuals to look at what they have given in exchange for security in relationships. They may also need to learn to open up emotionally in their relationships, even though they might feel like revealing their emotions would threaten the stability of their relationships.

The eighth house is linked with intense experiences like death and sexual intimacy. With Saturn in the eighth house, individuals may have an inability to get away from such difficult matters or a fear of approaching them. Cancer in the eighth house might tend to be emotional about heavy stuff, but Saturn there could block the release of emotions. At the time of the Saturn Return in Cancer in the eighth house, it is important to feel the feelings about significant events and trauma in order to move forward.

The ninth house is associated with beliefs and travel. With Cancer in the ninth house, individuals might be sentimentally attached to a religious or political affiliation that they associate with their family heritage. Saturn Return in Cancer in this house could push individuals to confront whether their beliefs work for them personally and try out new approaches.

The tenth house is related to career and status. If someone has Cancer in the tenth house, they may be drawn to a profession where they help or nurture others. Saturn Return in Cancer in this house may bring opportunities to find a profession that involves helping or nurturing others. The hard part about the helping professions is often knowing when to stop helping, and at the time of the Saturn Return in Cancer in the tenth house, individuals might learn important lessons about professional boundaries.

The eleventh house is associated with friendships and community groups. With Saturn in the eleventh house, individuals may feel shut out of social connections, like they do not come easily to them. Once they hit their stride, though, their commitments to groups and organizations may become overwhelming for them. A Saturn Return in Cancer in the eleventh house can help them discover whether their commitments to these groups are a good fit for them.

The twelfth house is associated with secrets and things that are out of view. Those with Saturn in the twelfth house may have a hidden agenda running their life that they may not be aware of. With Cancer in the twelfth house, they might tend to hide their sensitivity. At the time of the Saturn Return in Cancer in the twelfth house, it is important to become aware of emotional triggers and achieve powerful insights.

Saturn Return in Scorpio by house

The first house is associated with a person's physical body and identity. With Scorpio in the first house, a person may have trouble viewing an illness or injury as just a random occurrence. Instead, they may feel compelled to look for deeper meanings in any physical challenges they experience at this time. The presence of Saturn in the first house may also cause a person to present themselves in a serious and dignified way.

In the second house, Scorpio's influence may cause a person to view their money and possessions not only as ends in themselves but also as the means to the end of getting what they want emotionally. This can lead to issues with control and manipulation in relationships. During the second house Saturn Return in Scorpio, a person may be forced to confront these issues and consider whether they are sabotaging themselves financially because they secretly think people will be more sympathetic to them if they are in need.

The third house is associated with communication, and having Saturn in this house can make it hard for a person to communicate with others and make themselves understood. With Scorpio in the third house, a person may either love or hate shallow small talk. Getting stuck at either extreme of that spectrum could lead to feelings of loneliness at the third house Saturn Return in Scorpio. A person may need to work to balance their need for depth with the limitations of the connections that others are able to give them.

The fourth house is focused on home and family matters. With Scorpio in the fourth house, intense emotions may have been a prominent part of a person's home life while they were growing up. The presence of Saturn in this house can complicate matters and tend to suppress open emotional displays. During the fourth house Saturn Return in Scorpio, a person may be pushed to consider whether the strategies they learned in their upbringing for coping with emotions are still working for them. If there was a family secret that couldn't be discussed openly, they may need to finally deal with it.

The fifth house is associated with children and creativity. With Scorpio in the fifth house, a person may feel like they have to become a parent to be a proper adult. However, Scorpio tends to like to control things, and children tend to resist being controlled. During the fifth house Saturn Return in Scorpio, a person may need to consider whether they are pushing their child in a particular direction in an attempt to meet their own emotional needs.

The sixth house focuses on routine responsibilities and health, and the presence of Saturn in this house can be associated with health problems or a focus on staying healthy. With Scorpio in the sixth house, a person may be capable of precision and insight in their work, and they could use these qualities to accomplish something significant at their sixth house Saturn return in Scorpio. However, they might also want their work to be meaningful, and they could reach their limit with a job that seems to be pointless.

The seventh house is associated with significant one-on-one relationships, including but not limited to marriage. With Scorpio in the seventh house, a person may crave relationships with people who bring intensity to their life. However, the presence of Saturn in this house can complicate matters, and a person might realize that an exciting partner is not well suited to bring them the security they also want. During the seventh house Saturn Return in Scorpio, a person may feel like they have to choose once and for all between intensity and safety in a significant relationship.

The eighth house is linked with intense experiences like death and sexual intimacy. With Scorpio in the eighth house, a person may be tempted to fight against a change that they know on some level is necessary. However, relinquishing control could show them possibilities they would not have thought of on their own during the eighth house Saturn Return in Scorpio.

The ninth house is associated with the systems of beliefs that make up society, like philosophies, legal codes, and religious doctrines. With brooding Scorpio in the ninth house, a person's view of the world may tend to emphasize the dark side of life. During the ninth house Saturn Return in Scorpio, a person may be challenged to learn what they need to learn from difficult situations without getting destroyed by them.

The tenth house is involved with matters of career and status. With Scorpio in the tenth house, a person may be drawn to a career where they get to solve difficult problems. However, the presence of Saturn in this house can make it hard for a person to feel like they have ever done enough. During the tenth house Saturn Return in Scorpio, a person may have to balance their desire for security with their desire to feel like they are making a difference.

The eleventh house is associated with friendships and community groups. With Saturn in the eleventh house, a person may feel shut out of social connections early on. With Scorpio in the eleventh house, a person may be deeply loyal to their friends and other associations. During the eleventh house Saturn Return in Scorpio, a person may need to be honest with themselves about whether others are as committed to them as they are to those connections.

The twelfth house is associated with secrets and things that are out of view. With Saturn in the twelfth house, a person may have a hidden structure or hidden agenda running their life that they may not even be aware of. With Scorpio in the twelfth house, a person's secrets could be successfully hidden even from themselves. During the twelfth house Saturn Return in Scorpio, a person may be forced to confront a deeply repressed trauma or realize that they need to make more space for rest and contemplation in their life.

Saturn Return in Pisces by house

The first house is associated with an individual's physical body and identity. With Saturn in the first house, individuals may feel a struggle with a problem involving their physical body. Pisces in the first house could cause individuals to appear dreamy and imaginative, but this could cause them to struggle with finding a sense of self. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to balance their individuality with their identity, finding ways to express themselves while also being grounded in reality.

The second house is linked with money and possessions. Having Saturn in the second house can indicate that money does not come easily to individuals, leading to a disciplined attitude towards whatever finances they have. If Pisces is present in this house, individuals may struggle with being realistic about their finances, leading to an emotional attachment to possessions. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to balance their emotional attachment to possessions with a grounded sense of reality, finding ways to make sound investments while also being mindful of their finances.

The third house is associated with communication. Having Saturn in the third house can indicate difficulty in making oneself understood. If Pisces is present in this house, individuals may have a talent for creative communication, but may struggle with being understood by others. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to develop better communication skills, finding ways to express themselves clearly while also being mindful of others' perspectives.

The fourth house deals with home and family matters. Having Saturn in the fourth house can indicate that individuals did not receive the nurturing they needed growing up. If Pisces is present in this house, individuals may have grown up in a chaotic or artistic environment. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to acknowledge the nurturing they missed out on while also developing healthy boundaries.

The fifth house is associated with children and creativity. Having Saturn in the fifth house can cause individuals to feel they need to become a parent to be a proper adult. If Pisces is present in this house, individuals may struggle with making practical decisions about their creative endeavors. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to balance their desire for creative expression with practical considerations, finding ways to express themselves while also being mindful of their responsibilities.

The sixth house focuses on routine responsibilities and staying healthy. Having Saturn in the sixth house can indicate a disciplined attitude towards one's routine and health. If Pisces is present in this house, individuals may struggle with being realistic about their health, leading to a tendency to avoid facing responsibilities. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to balance their creative approach to routine and health with a grounded sense of reality, finding ways to make healthy choices while also being mindful of their limitations.

The seventh house deals with significant one-on-one relationships. Having Saturn in the seventh house can suggest taking these relationships very seriously. If Pisces is present in this house, individuals may struggle with being realistic about their relationships, leading to an emotional attachment to their partners. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to work on their communication skills, finding ways to express their unique views while also ensuring their partners are on the same page.

The eighth house is linked with intense experiences such as death and sexual intimacy. Having Saturn in the eighth house can cause fear or an inability to approach such experiences. If Pisces is present in this house, individuals may struggle with being realistic about their finances and shared property, leading to an emotional attachment to possessions. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to balance their emotional attachment to possessions with a grounded sense of reality, finding ways to express their ideals while also being mindful of potential exploitation.

The ninth house is associated with beliefs and higher education. Having Saturn in the ninth house can make individuals dogmatic or blocked by societal structures. If Pisces is present in this house, individuals may struggle with being realistic about their beliefs, leading to an emotional attachment to their ideas. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to find a balance between their desire for change and their respect for established structures, finding ways to express their ideas while also being mindful of others' beliefs.

The tenth house deals with career and public status. Having Saturn in the tenth house can suggest concern for one's public role in the world. If Pisces is present in this house, individuals may struggle with being realistic about their career goals, leading to an emotional attachment to their professional aspirations. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to find a balance between their emotional attachment to their career goals and a grounded sense of reality, finding ways to express their unique ideas while also being mindful of their responsibilities.

The eleventh house is associated with friendships and community groups. Having Saturn in the eleventh house can mean finding a peer group is an important focus. If Pisces is present in this house, individuals may struggle with being realistic about their goals for community involvement, leading to an emotional attachment to their vision for a better world. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to find a balance between their desire for acceptance and their need for individuality, finding ways to express themselves while also finding like-minded individuals.

The twelfth house deals with secrets and things that are out of view. Having Saturn in the twelfth house can indicate a hidden agenda running an individual's life. If Pisces is present in this house, individuals may struggle with being realistic about their need for privacy, leading to an emotional attachment to their hidden parts. This house's impact suggests that individuals need to find ways to express themselves even in the face of potential criticism or rejection, finding like-minded individuals who understand and accept them.

Sources:

Sailor Saturn Render

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Ultimate Guide to Surviving Saturn Return

Retorno de Saturno: Descubra a idade crítica da sua vida - Marcelo Levi

astrologystudy on blogspot

Saturn Return

Saturn Return in the houses

Saturn Return by element

[dreadnotau]

Happy three years everybody! As always, there’s a lot to say on the occasion, so pop in at the end of the post for the tl;dr if you don’t have time for my detailed diatribes, haha

Boy, time flies, huh? Feels like the second anniversary was just yesterday, but maybe that’s just the several long hiatuses getting to me. I’ve been scarce on uploading anything anywhere for a while now, even though I promised I’d actually pick up the slack this time around. What gives? Well…

For one, college hell, and for two, a lot of unfounded anxiety about putting my art out there. Allow me some theatrics for a moment and I’ll actually get back to the comic at hand… I’ve never had an exceptionally supportive environment for making art. It wasn’t suppressive, not in the slightest, but it also wasn’t… encouraging. It was always treated as a hobby or a distraction rather than something I was allowed to be fully proud of, especially because a lot of my art focused on more cartoon-y and fantasy ideas, rather than still life studies and painting (which people generally outside of the art sphere tend to value more, arbitrarily). Couple that with a childhood full of being bullied over minute shit you hadn’t even considered could be an issue before, and you get a teenager hellbent on never sharing his interests or ideas with anyone, mostly due to the fear of rejection.

I’ve grown, thankfully, but that paranoia and fear doesn’t go away overnight. As I’m sure you all know, Meowchela was the one who originally encouraged me to post this comic, and the only reason she succeeded was because she was the first person in a long time who listened and engaged with my interests and my art in a meaningful way. It’s kind of obvious her friendship had a profound impact on me, and I’d cite her as one of the reasons I was even hopeful enough to apply to an art college in the first place! This comic, and that bond with another person, proved that maybe these things I’m so passionate about weren’t duds, and weren’t something I had to keep to myself.

So, fast forward a few years. About three years, in fact.

During one of my classes, right before this hellish two weeks of exams started, one of the class assistants talked me into showing my comic pages to one of my professors. He’s generally a pretty open guy when it comes to new mediums, but I’m always… apprehensive about showing my less “traditional art”-y things to professors, but, he ended up being genuinely proud of it. Specifically, I showed him pages 85-87 (because they’re my favourites) and, he didn’t read the text, just the visuals were enough for him to say “good job, keep it up” (which is HIGH praise from that guy). When I mentioned I’ve been meaning to simplify the visuals because I didn’t have time to work on the comic very often because of college and classes, he dismissed it on principle. I was honestly caught off guard. Heavily paraphrasing, he suggested that worsening the visuals for an arbitrary deadline was counterproductive to making something that’s Good™.

That’s kinda stuck with me. For a good few years now I was more focused on optimisation rather than visual improvement for the comic, and though it HAS contributed to better visuals in some ways (cutting corners sometimes makes for a less pointy and jagged end result), it’s kind of weird I’m treating an art project that way, isn’t it? I set a lot of… arbitrary deadlines and standards for myself, in the form of expectations and what I “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing at certain stages in my life. I’ve thought of Dread Not as a passion project second and a stepping stone first, if I’m being honest. As if it was too… fandom-y and derivative to be treated with more gravity than that, like it’s an immature project because I was still a child when I came up with it. As if it was something I’m making to Build Up to Something Else, something Bigger and Cooler and More Important, and… the more I think about the future of Dread Not, and even my future career options, the more I realised that’s, ironically, a really immature way to think about it.

If there’s one thing going to this art college has taught me, is that there’s no “right” way to make art, and there’s no “right” way to success as an artist. There’s no clear-cut paths, just more commonly treaded roads, but even those are heavily overgrown. Why should I try to box myself into thinking I have to make things from complete scratch to be taken seriously? What’s so bad about Dread Not as a story and as a comic that’s caused me to vaguely keep it under wraps when conversing with people in my day-to-day life? Why wouldn’t I put all these skills I’ve acquired to improve and expand this project that’s Right There, WAITING for me to finally get off my ass and get pages out there again?

I wish I could say I’ve used all this time away in a particularly clever way, but I really haven’t - at least, it feels like I haven’t. My art has undoubtedly improved over time (though admittedly the art for this post was Very rushed, fuckin exams), and while I’ve been working on projects in the background, chipping away at them in a VERY disorganised way, I haven’t been posting that progress anywhere, and I haven’t made any good progress on my biggest project, Dread Not, because of the other ones. And, honestly? Admitting that kinda stings. This comic means a lot to me, and I wish I actually gave it the time and attention it deserves instead of letting it sit out hiatus after hiatus because I keep failing at structuring my time.

So, my new plan is a little more abstract: find a way to work Dread Not into my school schedule, and slowly build a habit of working on it more often. No clue how long that’ll take, but I think it’ll be worth it to consider it as an option, and hopefully finally end these long, drawn out hiatuses with short bursts of uploads in-between. HOPEFULLY. Building habits was never my strong suit, so please bear with me while I figure this out in what will probably be the most hectic upload schedule in this comics history, which is: no schedule at all.

From now on (until the end of Act 1), I’ll upload pages when they’re ready, and depending on how the weeks go and how complex the page is, they could be weeks or days apart from one another. Hell, some might even take a month to finish if school stuff gets REALLY hectic (god knows Hellish Exam Week number 1 and number 2 won’t be giving me much time to work on the comic), but I’m determined to do this. I want to be able to put my all into this project again!!

(And hopefully finish Act 1 by the end of this semester…)

TL;DR: College is giving me life lessons I didn’t expect, and because of them I’ve decided to give myself a non-existent upload schedule for Dread Not: Pages will be posted when they’re ready, and the spacing between pages could wildly vary depending on circumstances and the actual complexity of the page itself.

As always, thank you for being here, thank you for reading, and thank you for being patient!

If all goes well, there will be new content very, very soon.

[urhoneycombwitch]

love ur roommate Eddie but also all the time spent together between sexy times stresses me out

at least with husky neighbor Eddie he's across the hall and if you're not in the mood to see him, then you don't have to

but roommate Eddie is literally in. your. walls.

what about when you just have ugly days when your hair is a mess and you walk around the apartment smelling a lil before you hop in the shower

what about when either of you get sick and it's real nasty?

is there only one bathroom?? do y'all gotta coordinate times???

what if he insists on putting the toilet paper the wrong way around???!!! what about the hair clogged in the shower drain!!

what about the arguing and the tension and the resentment that arises from sharing a space with someone on the worst of days??

like maybe Eddie is the best roommate to ever fictionally exist ever but I can only imagine that there's gotta be some issues that arise especially when they're blurring the boundaries

and roommate!reader seems really strict and anal (same) with her rules so I figure that also extends to sharing a space

I know it's normally default to want to imagine that they figure everything out and live happily ever after, but do you see roommate!Eddie and reader being long term? how do they work out their issues with both sharing a space and finding footing with their agreement? what's the first problem to arise? and if they don't work out, what to do think is the largest issue/ what finally breaks them apart?

anon I love love love this. thanks for asking the nitty gritty questions they are so IMPORTANT!!

okay full transparency, when I started writing for roommate!Eddie I absolutely used the fic logic of “everything is perfect here” because I wanted to focus more on the relational/emotional aspect of two people who have already learned how to share a space. at the time, I think the first meeting/time it took to iron out issues were less interesting to me from a writing standpoint. however, I certainly had the framework for their backstories in the back of my head while i wrote!

I’ll share my thoughts below for those who are interested in the roommate!Eddie+roommate!Reader story. but also don’t hold me to anything I say here for future stories bc my personal canon is subject to change. lol.

in this no-magic Big City AU of mine, I imagined reader and Robin meeting in college and becoming good friends. you were in a horrifically boring history class together (Robin for her smarty-pants Psych/Art double degree and you for a Literature degree) and started hanging out outside of school. by proxy, you also hang out with Steve, Robin’s roommate, and by the time the three of you graduate you’re all good friends.

and then you’re staring down the barrel of a mostly useless degree, a shit ton of college debt, and nowhere to go. you land a job at a local publishing company, but it’s mostly boring and corporate and doesn’t pay for a two-room apartment in the heart of the city. which is unfortunate, because your last roommate (a nightmare by all accounts. quite literally never learned how to clean up after herself) moved out a month ago and you need the extra income to keep the space.

enter Steve’s mysterious friend Eddie. whom you’ve only heard wild stories about. apparently, he’s looking for a room- and according to Robin, he’s “well-mannered for a boy”. you ask a million questions before agreeing to meet with him (neither Steve or Robin gave you a straight answer as to the guy’s career which is weird…), and you make it really clear you’re not in the mood to be screwed over. or stuck with an unlivable situation. 

but your friends assure you it’ll be a good fit. and when you meet for drinks later that week, Eddie is extremely charming and honest. tells you he is, in fact, in the drugs business, but promises it never follows him home. he agrees to all your house rules. he also flirts a lot. but you learn to take that with a grain of salt.

so Eddie moves in and yeah, absolutely there’s an adjustment period. learning the rhythms of each other’s days and nights, figuring out how to split household duties, all the mundane shit that comes w/ a new roommate. there’s an awful first winter where the heat goes out; you two alternate getting colds and stomach flus, multiple nights spent sweating over the toilet or kitchen sink (one bathroom is a KILLER for the sick season). 

there’s a camaraderie that forms after those sucky cold months. you absorb into each other’s lives, friend groups, spaces that extend outside of your apartment. you become real, actual friends who enjoy each other’s company.

and also? Eddie is happy to appease. he’s not a pushover, but he is really respectful of you and your space. he puts effort into learning your little quirks, or things that tick you off (there are a lot). you both figure out early on that open communication is the best policy. Eddie’s the type to tell you if there’s something he doesn’t like or wants to change, so neither of you end up holding secret quiet grudges.  

which is why I think reader finds this whole attraction thing so scary (and uses rules as a defense mechanism sorry I wrote my own OCD into this!! lmao) like Oh, fuck. if this goes sideways, if we have a big fight or fall in and out of love and can’t be in the same room anymore… we’d have to move. I’d have to say goodbye to the best roommate I’ve ever had. our shared friend groups would be dispersed. it would be devastating on so many levels.

anyways. here’s the masterlist if u read this far and want it ;)