primordialaxis

[primordialaxis]

trauma forever blocked what i loved so much

I used to love dance so much, matter of fact, i still do, a lot, i love many styles their story and admire deepky many diverse dancers tgat express themselves in different ways.

Dance has always been fascinating to me, and while i didnt had that “born to dance” child vibe where i was always dancing and obsessed with dance videos, as i grew up i relized i liked it so much.

And if today i was given the opportunity to dance for a living i would take it.

But as much as i loved it i didnt not had spectacular talent that coukd be seen bu everyone as impressed all teachers, sadly i was always ignored by dance teachers. and i didnt had that burning passion where dance was my all and i coudlnt stop dancing, yes sure it was what was in my mind 24/7 and ive watch videos of it and learn more.

But, thanks to my insecurities i hardly ever practiced, specially cause the space was limited i didnt had guidance, and my family was constantly everywhere, and i wouldt dare to practice infront of them and give them the chance to criticize judge or have an opinion in my dance. i was sure they woukd think i was bad at it and will roll the eyes at the fact of me persuing it, and everyone i mentioned my desire turned me down and discouraged me.

sure you cant lie to a kid and its best to tell them the hard true but it hurt me, deeply and those words still cut deep, no one, not even I believed in myself

I was fully aware i wasnt perfect and even admitted there were better or more experienced dancers in my class, but i tried my best, i always saw it as an opportunity to learn more and better my skills. i liked to take pride in simple yet useful for a dancer stuff like, i could be in time, i wasnt so stiff i coukd have a mood.

and while i lacked stuff like good body control, stage presence good performance, learing quick, mega musicality, and a very awesome dance skills, along with many other things needed, i was convinced that not everyone is born a prodigy and i woukd better my skills over time. Maybe i wasnt gonna be a star dancer at 17 like baiky, audrey or niki, buy i would stilk be good.

yet no one in my family belived in me, NO ONE, ever once remotely told me i did a good job, not a “wow you are a good dancer” complement, just a simple good job or you did good, not a singke one.

No one belived in me, it was clear, no one tought i was good, and mixed with my hyoer critical insecurities, i became traumatized with dance.

i cant dance anymore, i cant even attempt to, dance videos make me cry desperate, give me panic attacks, I legitimately cant dance again anymore, im traumatized, i cant, it wasnt a hobby, it was a love a wish, but now thanks to insecurity and all the judgement, i los ut, and now it makes me suffer.

sometimes as a child and self person you cant really tell how good you are, so a second opinion is good, and outsider prospective.

But all outer opinions i got was: “i sucked” “ i was awful” no one supported complemented or said anyting nice to me about dancing, not even my own parents. mix that with my big insecurity about not being even a basic level skilled dancer, and im crushed, everyone is a better dancer than me, everyone is far far better than me, i suck and dont even have basic lever skills.

[primordialaxis]

deep insecurities

Growing up as the insecure less valuable child is brutal, i was never fun smart outgoing interesting. I was either ignored or made fun of. As you can imagine ive become deeply insecure and anxious, im hyper aware therefore critical of myself, and any interaction with another person that might make them capable of createing a judgement of me, i avoid.

And with the highly demanding society where if you aren’t perfect you aren’t valuable, and if you dont have any high capability or exponential skill on something you are useless. Thats why being insecurerd can become a self destructive weapon as the little esteem that you might have is completely crushed.

So growing up, even up to this day, at the shadow of my perfect sibling is hell. Cause you can never be as talented and skilled and smart, you are the doom childd the one born with nothing the one cursed to live a simple monotonous life cause their skills wont help them get any further.

Thats why i ahve such a hard time being around people and specially being vulnerable with people, by showing them stuff i made myself and sharing my soaces with them, cause any minute slip up even tho not intentional could provoke a bunch of insecurities and lead me into the worst mental state ever.

im so sensitive, being constantly made fun of for anything i do or enjoy, I avoid everyone so they wont be able to catch me in situations where they can do this. the over judging in everything i do, leads to anxiety that i always must give my best performance and there is no space for mistakes, or i will be doomed not skilled enough, dumb, stupid, not capable, and many more that i fear. and then being treated as dumb and stupid, i cant anymore and i wont let any family members or anyone else into any of my safe spaces ever again.

[primordialaxis]

nightmare

yes im scared, i sont wanna lose you, i hate that im not perfect and i cant be the perfect friend for you as you are to me, but i love you and it pains me to know ill never be half as good as you in being your friend. Expressing love its never been whan i do best, but feeling it is, i wanna say it all, how you are all that keeps me going, how when i cry you comfort me even tho youre not there, how u always make me smile, its simply beautiful. I wanna tell you how fantastic you are, how beautiful you truly are how i dont care i just wanna hold you with all the time i have left, how i think you are the most magnific person ever how you are awsome and i cant believe i met you and that you, you decided to be my friend even best friend.

but i dream that i lose you, that in life i lose you, that in death i lose you, that youre not with me, and yes it scares me.

Every moment with you no matter what we are going through its more than worth it and i would live yhem a million times just to be with you.

but I dreamt i held you, for so long, but you were never there, you had left a long time ago, why? Why does my brain do thins to me? Please never go, never,i dont want you ever to become an stranger, to ever remember you sourly, to hate you, never never. please stay with love, cause i love you, im not perfect but ill be enough for you, ill try, i will do it

[primordialaxis]

finally

i always was alone, never had close friends not even my sibling was very close to me. I añways felt lonely cause i could never connect with anybody, every one was so complicated, never was close with no one. I always constantly felt a huge void between me and people i was scared cause i was never gonna know them well enough.

Finally finally i met someone, we connected so much more that i could imagine we were perfect, finally i wasnr alone finally i was safe comfortiablw finally i was appreciated, its amazing, perfect with all the imperfections, now i dont care i just wanna be with you, i still care about my surroundings but even tho i just wanna be with you, seriously, i wanna livw forever with you and die together i wanna hold hands and heart always, youll never leave my soul, my brain and memories may be dead but my soul will always carry you. i fear being away, one day waking up and knowing youre not longer there, i dont want that, i wanna forever be with you, you are all that its right, i wanna love you, care for you, gove you all that was denied to you, appreciate you validate you and all. Let me love you i wanna love you. i love you, in spite of all i will forever

[primordialaxis]

behold, MY ARM

It woudl be so funnt ig one day i woke up and the other arm was the same, lowkey ran out of space so now im moving to the upper surface

I cried with my most recent cut cause i thought it wasnt deep enough or even deeper that the last one which was very deep and left behind a big deep scar, but turns out it the scar is even bigger and darker than the last one so ig it was big.

i have way more on my wrist and on my shoulder and on my other arm too, but this is my fav!!!

Kinda wish i can lose weight and get looking and being unhealthy and having side effects and just over all sick, and with my bones very visibly sticking out so everyone sees that im extremely thin. i really wanna be severely underweight to my bones and get sick, maybe idk what im saying but every time i get worse and go through worse feelings and breakdowns….i feel better and more safe and comfortable and confident of who i am

[primordialaxis]

harkka ari mes

How i wish to be a machine. They dont know

[primordialaxis]

i knew it

The way no one understands how from the moment i saw them i knew their dynamic, how all my suspicions as they appeared further on the film got confirmed in that one scene when he confessed. the way they dotn understand that at first glance i knew and understood and connected with him, how I empathized and knew how he felt and what was going to happend

I feel so deep how well i knew what was their dynamic and how the characters related.

and how they all made fun of teh film and called it creepy but i feel drawn to it.

How it kinda feels like me and how i can understand her and feel like it, how i wanna watch that so bad cause it’s literally calling me its what i liek.

never getting over how i instantly connected with him and knew it all just by looking at them for a second, how i knew what he feels and i related…… they will never get it

[primordialaxis]

[primordialaxis]

moving

cant wait to be 16 or 17 and move out either just because or cause of college.

always wanted to move to Canada to study neuroscience and similar careers.

now all i really want is to move in with my best friend, havent really talked further but for me a small house or apartment is fine, like very small is fine.

Part of tge reason is to be on my own littlw world all the time and do all that stuff i cant really do at home, by stuff i mean, sleeping on the floor, odd meal times, different decor, no doors, not showering and like that stuff.

and also the groceries and not eating would be so easy, plus would be able to walk sm and get busy cleaning.

moving alone has always been in mind and honestly hope i get to do it at 16 18 max, can be hard but…. Ill try, gotta start working harder.

But… then jt changed with just a dream, like YESS, lest move in together. We get us time always. Plus we would bond so much more, get to know eachother WAY MORE.

and it can obviously be fantastic, i see ton off good stuff, plus i want to share sm with my best friend that living together is a great idea

seriously if we dont by like 20 im gonna go nuts, i would love to and honestly i cant imagine living with any other person, like youre the only one that can be in my soace 24/7 and still be the best!

Honestly haven’t discussed further serious important details, which yea if its fr we might one day shoukd do.

specially where, cause although mexico is awsome and all, yea maybe i dont wanna live here for ever, but yea we need to live somewhere we both love and feel comfortable, also lenguage. and well interior housing and a job to maintain ourselves IS VEEY NECESSARY So yea should be talked about, but i dont mind getting a job, if its good pay one, even multiple.

so yea it would be wonderful and it honestly gives me hope for the future that will be together, so havent given up in my life cause i have to buy a house and sustain it!!

[primordialaxis]

I love you<3

“when i look at you i can’t believe its true, you are all i ever dreamed of, and you love me”

”when you say my name i know you love me, when you touch my heart I know you care”

[primordialaxis]

and yes im scared

i just wanna be left alone to face all by myself the way its always been, yea i may suffer and hate life but atleast i live it differently, yes i am doomed this way but…. Who is not? I just wanna dive dip into trouble and depression again cause that the onky thing i feel safe in, the only thing ever gave me something.

confidence, acction, hobbies, they never made feel well or normal, but disordered thinking and behavior did, it made me someone that people wouldn’t hate, it made me oblivious to peoples gaze, invisible in some way.

I doont need to get fixed, there is nothing wrong with me, i have no problem. just let me be like this, draw attention away from me, and let me enjoy the one and only think that every gave me peace.

[primordialaxis]

I feel like a freak

And not in a good way, i know having an ed and sh problems is not in a “normal” person at all, but atleast it gave me a sense of security and identity. Now im scared, im overwhelmed, im anxious, i feel like a freak, abnormal, like the one getting fixing, and idk it feels horrible, it feels horrible getting all this attention. Feels horrible that people think i need fixing, there is nothing wrong with me, i should stay the way i am.

Please stop, i dont wanna change, i dont need meds i dont need to get fixed i dont have a problem. I know my parents think they are doing the best for me and I appreciate all the effort they do and they put, but this is who i am, and it with an eating disorder tgat cuts cause everything is horrible and stressing. Yes thats who i am and I seriously love it, ive grown attached to eat and without it ill be a plain normal stereotypical person.

[primordialaxis]

btw, i dont joke about my girlfriend

every thing about her is pure comfort, no women more perfect exists, and i say thins with all intentions of not putting her in a pedestal. But she is genuinely so mesmerizing

Idk she is in all my memories since ive met her, everytime shes there and she appears and makes me happy. Plus shes sk gorgeous.

I definitely do all to not seem weird about it, cause im not, buy damn shes so pretty and awesome.

[primordialaxis]

Real Skinny.

always told i was skinny i was thin i had a great body i had a good metabolism, but often times I hated my body i felt it was to filled up to fat and i hated how it looked with certain clothes.

But no, i hate how there is so much fat around my bones, i hate how fat my upper arms and shoulders are, i hate how fat my torso looks i hate how fat i look no matter what cloths i wear.

I know i am not overweight but it feels bad still, i was always made fun of in one side and then being praised on the other. But the truth is that i was never really skinny not even close, and other people specially those gorls know, the only way it can beat them is if im skinny to my bones, sickly skinny, so they finally shut up and only look with horror, nkt disgust or superiority

[primordialaxis]

"im not hungry this is just what f@t l0ss feels like"

- quote from random gym bro on tiktok

[primordialaxis]

Miss it

I miss when i was at my lowest, it felt well, it felt like i had something. But now, is so overwhelming, i have all this people telling me to get better to try and get better and i dont wanna be ungrateful for their love and rude, cause love and care are so beautiful and must be preserved. but….i dont wanna get better i wanna get worse amd stay that way, i wanna decay, i see no point in me, everything even myself is broken and wrong, no fixing, i sont wannt a normal without worries life

I want to stay unhealthy, go back to drinking a lot of water, cutting daily, walking 12k steps daily, eating so little, skipping meals, fasting and just rotting cause it all i can do. i dont wanna get “fixed” i wanna get extinguished.

Please just let me rot, i don’t wanna change cause then im no one, i change what i am who i am. Then im list. Mom,dad, sorry but i dont wanna do this study, i know u mean well and have done am so i can get it, but please i dont want to im scared and i dont wanna do it. Nothing is gonna be okey im going to lose myself.

[primordialaxis]

we can suffer together ୨ৎ