#and this fucking cycle i've been in for weeks
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
69% of Tumblr users are millennials.
Text
Okay. I think I've twigged to a reason why this game is so polarizing for the fandom. Please, allow me to ramble about this theory in these dawn-light hours, pre-coffee.
You see, Veilguard is a fantasy. I don't mean its genre is fantasy, we know that. I mean that, for the first time, the story Veilguard tells is itself a fantasy. And a pretty explicitly queer one.
(vague and mild spoilers for Veilguard below)
A world where strict, seemingly narrow-minded mothers can accept and use their child's correct pronouns and be proud of them. And where entire organizations rally around said child to affirm them.
A world where a queer organization stands up to all flavors of tyranny, and while it may suffer great losses, is victorious in the end. Its future is one of supreme hope for lasting change because one of their founding members becomes the ruler of their nation.
A world where a common enemy ACTUALLY unites everyone to fight back and those efforts are welcomed, even from those whose ethics are questionable. Because now really ISN'T the time for in-fighting. There will be time to discuss your morally dubious recruiting methods AFTER the world-ending calamity has been vanquished.
A world where the return of a tyrant is stopped, because the people joined hands with friends, neighbors, and loved ones and refused to let go.
And then they WON.
(depending on your choices, in the end love LITERALLY wins (the love was there and it mattered after all).)
To me, Veilguard is clearly a response to its development cycle. It hit its stride during the height of the pandemic, when people were sick and dying en masse, and most people felt more isolated and helpless than they had in generations. Facism was (is) on the rise across the world. And a very queer and neurodivergent development team looked at the world they lived in, then at the one they'd created, and made some choices about the story they would tell.
And then it released mere days before the US election. I finished playing it on election night (or rather the wee hours of the next morning). And can I tell you? This queer, neurodivergent, nonbinary person NEEDED this story. This exact story.
But, maybe not everyone needed it. To my reckoning, it's the first DA game to take such a firmly hopeful and positive approach to its storytelling, and that's bound to be divisive in a fandom as... Opinionated as ours (affectionate, mostly 😂 ).
Genuinely, I am sorry if it wasn't what you wanted or expected. I'm sorry if you felt let down by your favorite franchise. That fucking SUCKS.
But know that, for some of us, it was a lifeline in a very dark and tragic week, and I suspect it will remain so in the months and years to come. I hope that, if you ever need a dose of pure hope, you might give Veilguard another try.
#da4 spoilers#dav spoilers#datv spoilers#dragon age spoilers#veilguard spoilers#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard
68 notes
·
View notes
Text
btw I'm experiencing too-high estrogen related symptoms recently which kinda explains why I've been off my shits. I struggled so much to get my E up that I didn't think it would be a problem- I was around 400 at trough when I last measured, which is way too fucking high. Tbf there was one special circumstance to that but still. Cramps, nausea, irritability, and generally just being really fucking fired up at peak, which I've been slowly moving to Tuesdays (injection on Sundays).
My theory is that progesterone is acting as an androgen blocker, completely paving the way for estrogen to go batshit. Also, in the process of moving my injection day (to be more convenient) I was using a 6-day cycle instead of 7 day for a while, which would have cumulative effects. I started both of those things around the same time, and I think the cumulative effect finally caught up to me these past two weeks- the half life of estradiol valerate can be long enough to essentially slowly make levels summative.
But anyways, yeah, I'm off my shits a little. It's kinda fun but kinda annoying, hate the stomach stuff, the fired up ness is a mixed bag. I'll probably be titrating my dose down just a little.
35 notes
·
View notes
Text
hmm. feelings.
#vent#got contacted by someone i didn't think i'd talk to again#and it's. a lot.#did not help that i wasn't sober when i got the message either :/#but yeah. i have no idea what i'm doing and i just. ahhhhhh.#i feel like i'm grieving again but i also have been so so angry in the last year at him but now i don't have that#and i know it's freeze/fawn response to lose the anger and fall back on. everything else#but i'm still just. so arghscreamingnoises#there are so many feelings and i don't think i can properly verbalise them in any capacity#and i *am* grieving. i am#and i've finally settled down and started feeling okay and then this happened#and like. it's a fucking mature apology. there is *one* line that made me mad#and he's never apologised to me for anything meaningful before. he was. just so bad at taking accountability for anything#and i just. i thought i was finally okay.#like i literally went away this weekend to stay with my grandmother and have my cat so i could breathe and stop worrying#and this fucking cycle i've been in for weeks#and i just. i want to scream and i cannot verbalise it. and i want to because words are my medium#they are the way i channel stuff#and i just. cant.
1 note
·
View note
Text
("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)
#svsss#bingqiu#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#lbh#sqq#i've been working through the series of unfortunate events and somehow that series has paired really nicely with svsss#the themes of cycling violence and what's justified and what isn't and what can possibly be done differently#and how trying to bring love and honour into the midst of it really changes nothing but also changes everything#it's just *chef's kiss*#i don't know how i can quite do my thoughts justice but i've spent the past few weeks quietly going between the two series (and mdzs and tg#as well if we're being honest they all hit similar questions and themes) and just reveling in the pain and ambiguity of it#everything is interconnected and it means you can never know what trauma and pain and necessity has shaped a person#each story goes too far back to ever ever EVER possibly see the full extent of it#at that level even communication itself is nearly impossible.#and because of that it's almost impossible to change anything. beat yourself apart and the outcome is the same#and yet ATTEMPTING to change things ATTEMPTING to do the kind thing the honourable thing is absolutely critical#because while you can change nothing you also have the capacity to change EVERYTHING#aaaaaaah i don't even know what i'm saying#but i read the beatrice letters today and the love letter just. killed me.#(obviously i cherrypicked some lines because it's three pages long but those ones felt right)#''i love you like a corpse loves a vulture's beak'' i just. can't get over that line.#to be completely changed. altered. destroyed. redeemed. purified. desecrated. reduced to nothing yet entirely necessary for another's life.#what a FUCKING line#anyway i was either going to blow up from thinking about it or else i had to exorcise it via art from an entirely different series#i've already done svsss and discworld why not throw a series of unfortunate events into the mix#i'll be honest folks i did not expect svsss to be the mxtx series that would fuck me up the most about the main ship#bingqiu is something else. i don't even know how to begin to approach my feelings on it. impossibility and necessity all at once#bizarre#my art
500 notes
·
View notes
Text
chiens-loups
#''it strikes me that i know that girl'' <- lines that sit in your head forever and ever. narrative parallels of all time#thoughts#my art#les mis#javert#eponine#victor hugo said we've had nice parallels between a middle aged man and a young girl. now it's time for fucked up parallels#i had a whole collection of these w the two of them about parallels/cycles/javert perpetuating the same system that hurt him. but#they're barely sketches so i'll just post this on its own#there's a version of this with ghostly dogs things curled around them which was fun to do but felt a little too silly/reductive/unclear#so i took it out. altho i had a fun bit abt how their different collars represented their character#also not completely sure how i picture eponine but trying things out. i was really thinking abt how in her first appearance hugo emphasizes#that she is still a child even though she doesn't see herself that way & she's been forced to grow up quickly & was sort of trying to#reflect that. the odd area in mid teenage idk#still not Entirely happy with how i've structured/positioned it but it's been sitting on my computer for weeks so i may as well post it
143 notes
·
View notes
Text
Drowning out my feelings with Dr. Pepper, falling back in love with Silence is Golden But Consequences Are Red, and thoughts of Mother Hen Wolf Shifter!Ghost
*rant in the tags if y'all want*
#i have been having entirely too many feelings lately#and not a time nor place to cope#I have been having far too many conversations about the future and it's starting to make me freak out#this aquarium trip was supposed to help me answer the questions I had about what schooling/degree I would need to be an aquarist#all it did though was make me realize that being an aquarist may not actually be right for me#which now means I don't know what I would be going back to school for#which sucks absolute ass because I miss being a student. I miss that freedom and I miss learning#i miss being a college student so badly actually and I honestly regret dropping out. Like I did before but now#I always told myself it was for the best cause it's better than failing a semester and tanking my GPA#but now I've been stuck in this horrible depressive cycle and feeling so fucking burntout I can barely function half the time#now I don't have any time or energy to do things I love let alone do some self learning#I currently don't see any point in going back to school cause I don't even know what I would go back for and it's fucking scary#all of my siblings have had major things happen and are progressing on with their lives#and like I get i'm barely even in my twenties and I shouldn't be panicking this badly about my life#I feel like half of my troubles are self inflicted even though they're really truly not#but I can't help but feel I've doomed myself and my motor functioning is worsening#my executive functioning is down the fucking toilet and I can't fucking fix it and it's upsetting me#but god i just had a birthday this past week and about three years ago when I started college#I really believed I'd be in a much different place at this age than I am now#and it's scary it's fucking terrifying and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and all I am doing is spiraling really badly
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I still very loathe the Media Trope of ‘’cold genius man doesn’t feel emotions and never has relationships... UNTIL.. one random relatively bland Preddy Woman comes along and warps his entire personality and ability to think, his heart has grown and his seeming asexuality has evaporated, he is now Normal :)” or whatever like... AS a walking generic hermit archetype myself.. we would NOT act like that .... just let people be detached weirdos in peace, you cowards .. OR, don’t bother to write one in the first place if you find us too boring to exist realistically in our natural state lol.. pathetic
#the only exception to this is its okay if he develops some pesudo-romantic psychologial fixation on one of his long suffering male sidekicks#or assistants or whatever (since this character acrhetype ALWAYS has some sort of like Straight Man Every Man helper to follow#him around and be an audience stand in. sometimes multiple like a whole team of assistants. sometimes just one etc.)#like a strange not-entirely-romance-but-mutualy-unhealthy-comedic-codependence w someone you worked w 25+ yrs COULD be in character. sure.#ASIDE from that one exception though..... just keep them aromantic and asexual.. why would someone who has been that way for their#entire fucking life suddenly be like ''well I've known this woman three weeks but she's really hot! whoops!''#''guess I'm going to act completely out of character! sometimes booba so booby it fundametally alters the dna of me personality. you know ho#w it is'' .. like shut up.. explode#It's not that I project personally onto these characters (writers are bad at writing them and they're generally annoying as shit) BUT just#like... coming FROM the perspective OF a cold detached ''robot'' seeming hermit freak.. like textbook scholar wizard man locked#away in a tower somewhere type personality... You just watch shows sometimes and you can SEE that the writers are trying to write#the Character Archetype that is your actual realworld personality and you're just like 'we do NOT fucking act like that!!!' lol#you know ? like .. i don't actually care about the characters themselves but more just.. the principle of the thing. staying true to what#has been set up. You can't be like ''oh yeah this is your typical cold detached hermit weirdo with zero interest in human relationships for#the most part blah blah blah'' and then 5 minutes later be like ''WAIT GUYS!! LOOK! they're still NORMAL! look they love booba#too!!! haha hashtag Relatable!!'' .. what have you done to him.. you've massacred the archtype.. cowardly fool#Also I'm referencing them as male because this character archtetype is usually male but the same thing can apply for other gendered versions#of the archetype. it's ALWAYS annoying. no matter what it is lol. GOD AND IT'S even worse when they're supposed to be like hundreds or thous#ands of years old like.. some sort of supernatural being who's ''above it all'' because they've seen the world's cycles for so long#and blah blah and then it's like ''omg.. suddenly into romance.. for some reason all 900 years of my life nobody has ever been good#enough but YOU.. random ass person who I met 30 minutes ago and are completely average in every way or maybe you have like one#special power or are smart or something but apparently somehow I've lived 900 years without ever meeting a single other smart person#or whatever but WOW.. you... instant soulamtes.. I am no longer aromantic and asexual. I am also no longer smart.''#at least if it's a human with a normal lifespan you can be like 'well they were only 30. maybe they genuinely did just have their first#sexul awakening' or something but.. you're telling me like.. 900 years??? 1000 years?? and NOW they're like 'whooa!!' lol#Which obviously all aroace people are different.. all people with autism or schizoid pd or any other mental illnesses that can sometimes#lend people towards that type of 'weird hermit' archetype are all different. plenty of these people WILL have relationships and sex and desi#re those things. but it's like.. if you are OBVIOUSLY setting out to write that one VERY specific archetype within the broader archetype#then GO ALL THE WAY!! you cant have someone be like HALF-detached partial-hemrit sometimes-maybe-genuis or whatever#or I guess you can but like. it should be that way from the beginning. it's the random sudden shift in personality thats jarring
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
girl help I've become deeply unwell about ANOTHER doctor who spinoff
#the cycle continues#this is about class if youre curious.#this is me hyponotizing you to watch class🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀#i finished Queen of Rhodia and i almost teared up because of the meta elements.#RTD should pick class back up and give it the s2 it deserves i dont give a fuck if its been 6 years pull a two doctors and dont mention it#in the span of 2 weeks ive consumed literally all the content there is to be consumed. ive read the books and i have a single audio left#and i just haven't been able to stop thinking about ep6 I've done 2 separate art assignments on it now girl help!@@#bbc class
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
I love the fact that I can work as hard as I can manage with a broken tooth and a dying tooth (one on each side, I've been chewing on the cavity for a year) and I still cannot save even $10 towards getting dental treatment (2 impacted wisdom teeth, + tooth broken off under the gum, + bad cavity) because I barely make enough to cover my food and board and the insane energy bill
#I'm just ranting don't mind me it's fine I am continuing to exist as usual I may delete this later bc it's a bit of a bummer to read#I prefer to keep my blogging to fun or otherwise nonserious content because it's supposed to be for decompression no real world drama here#I got into a 3 hour body language study and earned $50 so I spent that as fun money on a couple games during the Steam sale just to#take a break from the constant cycle of getting paid and then immediately saying goodbye to all but about 15 cents#(well it was 1 game Slime Rancher 2 and then 2 expansion packs one for Planet Zoo and another for Cities Skylines long play hours mileage)#I've tried to budget to buy small things like a fan or a toothbrush maybe (mine is 8yrs old and doesn't charge sometimes) but NOPE#let alone stashing away over $2000 for the amount of treatment I need given tooth extractions are $200-$500 each#I use about $50 of groceries a week ($30 USD) sometimes up to $80 if I need to buy some extra toiletries or bonuses like ham/falafel/bread#our last quarterly power bill was $1900 FOR NO REASON even for a winter one#olessan oration#the work I have is HIT/mturk type work which pays amazingly well and I am so grateful because I can't work in a traditional environment due#my inability to sleep/wake on anyone else's schedule and need for engaging work but it also means each worker is basically a contract worke#picking their own hours which is VERY HARD to stick to for me since I may also have ADHD-i but that diagnosis also costs like $2000 in Aus#so I'm doing my best fucking lmao#I have a set minimum hours I want to keep up to and move to full time but I am so exhausted by the constant background noise of#the tooth problems that I burn out very quickly#like the tooth ache isn't that bad#the tooth is actively dying but the pain isn't unbearable it just shits me off at all times#it's bearable most of the time and doesn't affect my sleep unless the temp is cold or something#it's been bad this week tho so I've gone through almost all my ibuprofen managing it#the tooth that broke off broke off earlier in the year and the gum has mostly healed over and the dead root is concealed inside my gums now#that stopped being painful in mid 2021 but when it died it was pretty bad it did stop me sleeping for a couple weeks#Christmas 2021 involved me contemplating ripping the tooth out myself lmao#the nerve eventually died seemingly without an abscess#unless I DID have an abscess but that seems extremely unlikely because abscesses are SEVERE AND HORRIBLE AND LIFE THREATENING#sometimes I can feel the tooth ligament wiggling on its own or I like flex it by accident it's so weird bc the tooth is gone so#the ligament is still holding onto the root but with way less weight#anyway I am eating my mac n cheese n veg with the side that has the missing tooth because the cavity tooth has a big bruise along the gumli#gumline which may be from overzealous brushing (I fill the tooth will temporarily filling putty and it needs to be cleaned well when the#putty falls out)
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
hopefully it's just tonight but i haven't written at all in the last couple of days and i tried again tonight and it didn't work AGAIN i just can't get myself to write idk sometimes i really feel like the sequel to silence agenda is literally never ever going to actually get written and there's no point in even trying
#like i go thru phases where i'm all excited about it and they never last and i NEVER fucking finish anything with it#like literally ever#i have started to write this novel literally like 4 or 5 times now at this point?#and i can't get it done ever#since 2020 i've been working on it for almost three years#i've been making steady progress on tmtou i literally rewrite silence agenda like every fucking year#and yet i fucking can't get this story written#and idk how much of the problem is me how much of the problem is US and how much of the problem is my motivation levels and stuff#idk idk i think i'm just In It tonight and i'll probably feel differently later#it goes in these cycles#but idk man for awhile i was REALLY CONVINCED that this was gonna be the Time that i actually got this book written#i have the story! i have it! i just need to make it! and idk how!!!#i try and then a week later i can't#and my brain is hyperfixating on other things (idk why i decided to reread aftg) so i just Can't#and i do wanna get silence agenda published soon so i wanna focus on that#but i feel like i can't deliver on this sequel i feel like i can't even write it#idk i've never spent THIS LONG and gotten THIS MANY DRAFTS out of a book without being even like. close to the halfway point#i should finish it! i want to! i want to want to! but i fucking CAN'T#part of it is me part of it is the fact that it's hard to write when kat's not around and she hasn't been lately#idk i really thought i was gonna be able to do it this time. but apparently not#idk when i'll learn#that i can't write this fucking book#win rambles
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
#just so everyone knows but the reason there has been a hiatus in going to explode vent posts is that I have had a week off from school#it will likely resume next week#and continue until winter then continue again until spring then the endless cycle continues#<3 I am continually getting impossibly close to a breaking point without reaching it every single fucking week<3#also just learned that I've been having 2 meltdowns per week as a minimum since school started again
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
there's just some shit bc of her past behavior i refuse to believe is short term memory issues and is in fact just her not being able to pull her head out of her own ass long enough to pay attention to anything that doesn't directly effect her and i'm tired.
#the gluten thing has been A Thing for FOUR fucking years and i'm still having to explain it multiple times a fucking week#and she just asked me what i meant by 'i was up and down all night with my guts so i got no sleep' and why i haven't been to the doctor#about it. i was literally in the ER about it. the specialist did nothing. i've been trapped in a cycle of#no money for the ultrasound combined with no energy to make the ultrasound appointment. this has been going on for a fucking year.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
when u call ur psychiatrist and they don't answer
#up my meds pls please please PLS up my meds i cannot take living like this#i have been crying for three days i can't dude this shit sucks#and it's too early to take another buspar i wish i'd gotten some xanax from my friend i could use one bc weed isn't helping and one of my#meds needs to be upped or multiple i don't know but what the fuck#i think it's my abilify bc i feel like i've been flipping between manic and depressed and now i'm just stuck in depressed#mania was around my bday also i can become bipolar and my shit gets worse with age so i'm like uhhhhhh#my cycles used to change daily now they're lasting for days to a week#which again makes me think my abilify needs to be upped and probably my buspar my strattera is still awesome#ugh
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
i exist!
#( ooc. )#medical tw#i'm not fully online yet but#i've spent the last week with a cycling 103 fever & i now have proper medication & might be on the mend ???#it's been awful but honestly i'm SO grateful to have a supportive job#& the love of my life here#so!!#i just wanted to give this blog a pulse#i'm alive! thank fuck!!
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
There is 1 fucking character in this piece i'm working on that is fucking Killing Me
She will NOT turn out right, or occupy the space she's in At All reasonably and i'm getting so Tirrrrred
A H
though honestly there's really only 1 character i'm looking at in this image that isn't royally pissing me off, maybe one and a half and I kinda wanna scrap the whole shebang and start over but i've already been stuck here for So many weeks........... Hhhhhhh
Halp
#monster noises#i wanna get back to dragons daughter! i wanna do style experiments!#i've been stuck in such a cycle of struggling through this fucking drawing and then not being able to touch it for a Week+#it's been exhausting and being rusty coming back to it constantly does Not help =<=
1 note
·
View note
Text
taking a break from cleaning because i need to 1) pace myself and 2) spread this out over 2 days so that it doesn't get a chance to get too dirty again before i gotta do final tidying and pickup before the chaos ensues, but i've gotten a surprising amount done for like 20 minutes of clean and 10 minutes of Silly Shit.
#the whiteboard to-do list has been a game changer for me in general#like i don't often have a lot of stuff to put on it#but when i do it's really good at keeping me on track/focused#without being too overwhelming to look at#(or while it might be overwhelming as soon as you knock something off if the list looks too cluttered you can just erase it)#(and then bam less shit on your list both physically and mentally)#my productivity hack is 1) erasable to-do list and 2) find a 15-20 minute video to pop on and work to#you don't gotta pay attention to it but finding something you enjoy listening to is a key#i don't wear headphones while working because i don't have wireless ones and i rarely wear pockets indoors because fuck that noise#so i just pop my phone in a central location to where i'm currently working and let her go#if i have to leave the room i can hear it going and i know i gotta go back for it when i'm done#you just work for the length of the video and assess where you're at when you're done#if you did extra stuff that wasn't on your to-do list#write them down and cross them off - or just pretend you've already wiped them off the list because you did them#and since it's not on your list *now* you don't have to worry about it#i used to work almost exclusively to markiplier's prop hunt playlist but i've expanded for shorter bursts#because that's what i put on if i think it's going to take all day (and then i get about 45 minutes in and go alright i finished)#anyway ymmv if you even got this far or were thinking about taking my advice#i'm just telling you what works for me#and of course it's really mostly onlyhelpful if i've already got the spoons for doing shit that day in the first place lmao#speaking of which i did figure out where the extra spoons came from earlier this week#bad news boys: it was the hormone cycle and now i'm bleedin' out me vag again#okay real sorry if you got this far on the tags thank god this is my own post lmao
0 notes