#and they roasted the shit out of eric

[incorrect-dnd-show]

Venger: Would you be there for me if I was going through something?

Hank: Nope

Sheila: Absolutely not

Presto: Hope it sucks, whatever you’re going through

Diana: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life

Eric: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you

Bobby: I can’t wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could’ve changed the outcome

[seventh-district]

again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.

[tangerinesgirl]

Turfucken

(gif credit to Sony Pictures on tenor. can someone please make some HD GIFs from this movie, I suck at making them 😭)

**SPOILERS FOR THANKSGIVING (2023)**

AFAB!Reader x Sheriff Eric Newlon

Word count: 1.1k

Rating: explicit, 18+, no minors

Warnings: smut, feeding/food play/sitophilia, pregnancy, cream pie, daddy kink, some silly jokes, age gap but reader is legal

Summary: Sheriff Newlon is preparing for the best Thanksgiving yet, you have other plans. Set after the Black Friday Massacre but before the Thanksgiving the following year. Reader uses she/her pronouns.

You were greeted by the smell of sage and onion, cranberries and roasted potatoes before you even walked through the door. Eric liked to be well prepared for Thanksgiving every year, his favourite holiday. This year he wanted it to be the best yet, he had all sorts of new recipes to try, and you weren’t complaining.

As you walked through the door and unwrapped your scarf you heard him summoning you in the kitchen “Babe! Come here, you have got to try this!”

You throw your keys in the ceramic pot with a satisfying clink as you walk into the kitchen. Eric was practically dancing around the kitchen; thanksgiving themed apron and oven mitts on, removing a pot of cranberry sauce off the stove. He removed his mitts and slammed them down on the counter, a very small act but he made it look so hot. His hair disheveled from the heat of the kitchen, he shook his head to remove the stray hair that landed on his forehead.

He grabbed a spoon from the drawer and dipped it into the sauce, he blew on it to cool it down and beckoned for you to try it with a raise of an eyebrow and a look down at the spoon. You take the utensil and lick it clean with a pop. It was unlike any cranberry sauce you have eaten. Usually no one bats an eyelid at the sauce at Thanksgiving dinner, it always tastes the same. But not this one, it was sweet and sour with the perfect amount of umami.

“Holy shit what did you put in it, crack?”, you say, immediately going in for seconds.

“Ah ah no double dipping! And yes I put cocaine in the sauce, pros of my job”. You were pretty sure he was joking, but it was hard to tell the past year, ever since the Black Friday Massacre he was like a totally different person, and you fell for him, hard. You fooled around a lot, but never anything more, but you liked to test the water occasionally, maybe today is one of those days. It was difficult for him to get over Amanda, which was totally valid to you, she was your friend too and you were in this revenge plot together. You knew his plans this year and you both want it to be perfect.

You both were quite the town gossip, people kind of knew something was going on between the two of you, but your age gap of 32 years was extreme for a lot of people. You were perfectly within legal age though, and it was none of their business. You couldn’t help but admit it was kind of a turn on for you though, being a slut, and for the soon to be serial killer. 

The kitchen counters are covered with food, with foil on the top to keep warm, you think he’s been cooking all day while you were at work. You sit down on the kitchen island and admire the sight of him dashing around the kitchen, making sure everything is turned off.

He reaches into a dish of roast potatoes with his hands and puts some stuffing and sauce on the top and holds it out to you. You go in for a bite but he pulls back and smirks. You drag him towards you with his apron, your legs spread embracing him and passionately kiss him, his stubble tickling your face.

He still has the potato in his hand and stuffs it into your mouth between kisses. You put on a show and moan while you eat the best roast potato of your life. You grab his wrist and lick his fingers clean, looking him dead in the eye as you do so. He watches you, deciding his next move.

He walks to the counter and uncovers a whole roast turkey from behind him. You walk over too and watch him carve it, he gives you the first piece. After you eat it, you pull on his hair and whisper in his ear, “I want you to stuff me like that turkey, put a baby in me, or two, just call me a turducken… well, more like a turfucken really”. He laughs, but you see his erection, clearly turned on by feeding you and enjoying yourself.

He suddenly snaps and slams you into the kitchen island, empty pans flying across the room. He kisses you wildly, his hands roaming your body frantically. You remove his apron and his trousers as he removes your underwear from under your dress. He grabs your hands around your back, making you turn around so you’re bending over the island.

He slams inside you, impatient, like a man starved. You moan at the sudden intrusion, he is larger than average and always hurts so good as he reaches to your cervix. He pulls on your hair and you arch your back as he thrusts into you manically, the B word clearly a turn on for him. You cling onto the side of the island for dear life.

He stops and turns you around, kissing and nibbling on your neck. He lifts you up and walks you to the dining room table, and puts you down, facing him. He strokes your belly gently and says, “when I’m finished with you, I want you to stay put and lift your hips up. I can’t wait for you to grow so large and make everyone think you’re pregnant with quadruplets, be the talk of the town and make people on the street talk shit about us. And when I catch them I’ll put them in their place, as I’m the fucking town Sheriff ”, you are taken aback at his commands but god it was so hot, and whisper a “yes daddy”.

"Good girl", he starts pushing inside you again, the table shaking with the weight. He leans on the wall behind you to go even deeper inside you. You’re both close, you could have come at his words alone, so it didn’t take much to send you over the edge. He stops and you keep him inside you, wrapping your legs around his waist. He moans and strains as he unloads inside you, you can feel him releasing stream after stream, there’s a lot and it takes a while for him to stop, some of it leaks onto the table. He gives you some to try on his fingers that still taste of cranberry sauce. He stays inside you a little bit after he finishes, stroking your belly and looking into your eyes. You move a bit further down the table so you can lift your hips quicker as he pulls out of you. He watches you lift your body, nods, and leaves. He comes back later with a towel, some water, and a plate of trimmings to share.

If this is the sex before the John Carver plan, you can't wait for what’s to come next.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

Editors note: I was going to include a pigs in blanket joke at the end but it turns out that's only a British thing and not a Thanksgiving food?? You learn something new every day.

[pinkrifle]

UM HI💞-heard you're taking requests??👀

could i get uhhhh some hcs with cartman being best friends with like,, a very smart but absolutely FOUL reader?? they're kind of a nerd(he prob makes fun of them for it lol) but instead of winning science awards and making the world a better place they just... they love to see the world burn

they're totally into whatever idea eric has and they're happy to make it 1000x more illegal AND help him get away with it cause they're the teachers favourite<3

....sorry for such a long request lol hope you like the idea and have fun writing!!💞

don’t be sorry i love long requests!! reader is so me fr ,,, SORRY TGIS WAS LIKE AN HOUR LATE IM AT FAMILYS HOUSE RN

cws/tw’s: none :3

WOWW first meeting!! cartman absolutely rips on you like crazy. always begging you to do his homework even after he says the most diabolical thing ever,,

when everyone starts talking about how ur a menace he’s shocked. “NO WAY that little twerp could out do ME >:(“ yes, oh yes they can, cartman

especially since your Mr/Ms Garisson’s teachers pet, he doesn’t think you could do any wrong. by BOYY is he wrong when one day he catches you taping illegal firecrackers to a makeshift rocket for your science experiment.

“dude, you know those are illegal right.” “so? you do like.. WAYYY worse, man” “touché..” “you think you can make this more illegal? or you wanna help me out, douche”

he grabs random shit from his house that should NOT be there and throws them onto the rocket. you guys finally settle on blasting it infront of the school during recess.

when recess rolls around, your both standing in front of the school, mischievously rubbing your hands together. and that’s when cartman starts saying something to you,

“HHAYY, you kno—” [BOOM] you set off the rocket and accidentally set the front of the school into a mini flame, cartman runs for his life as you follow behind him giggling senseless.

u guys are MATES after that. always up to no good and roasting tf out of people non stop.

he tells you he wants to grave rob a preist’s grave you tell him he should grave rob an entire church gravesite to pawn all the jewelry they might have on.

compliments aren’t constant, but when you guys get sentimental you talk about how good of a friend the opposite is :) when cartman is sad you always do some crazy shit up in his face and he giggles, wipes his disgusting ahh face and thinks of something else illegal y’all can do.

in your guys’ superhero era, he catches your superhero ego setting tissue paper on fire on top of a building and giggles + keeps his mouth shut.

YALL DEFINITELY BEFRIEND CTHULU TOGETHER SND DO CRAZY STUFF 😭 as if what y’all do isn’t crazy enough..

sometimes y’all attempt to vape or smoke etc, and your always standing while cartman is doubled down on the floor sobbing and coughing from one hit.

you back him up in the wendy fight (you and cartman lose ☹️ but it’s fun to accompany ur bestie)

you bring treats for Liane when you go over to cartman’s house and he gets upset cuz he hates his mom, but if it’s food he always stops being a brat and thanks you after (almost never saves his mom a bite 💔)

heyyy! sorry this was short :( I LOCE THIS REQ THO ITS SO ME 🫶🫶 and ty for requesting! feel free to spam req if you want (and sorry this was an hour late)

[depressedhouseplant]

Cops & Robbers Read Along: Chapter 8

You can read the chapter here

This chapter is basically 3000 words of smut. So I guess this will be the opportunity for me to roast myself on how well (or poorly) I write smut. Lezgaur!

“Felix what the fuck?” Eric stormed into the office and slammed the door behind him.

“Good morning to you, too,” the blond looked up at him.

“You tortured Younghoon and killed Chanhee? Are you nuts?” He demanded.

“Technically Jisung and Changbin killed Chanhee,” Felix replied. “But you are correct that I was party to torturing the cop.”

“Juyeon’s got Changbin locked in his basement right now and he won’t let him leave there in one piece,” Eric told him. “If he finds out that you ordered it then you’ll be dead before you hit the ground.”

So you might be asking why I chose Felix as Eric’s secret lover instead of someone else. Honestly? It could’ve been anyone, but I’d already set up Felix as a bad guy and I love the idea of quite literally sleeping with the enemy. It’s another trope I can’t get enough of and one of the few perks of being the author is I can cram as many tropes as I want into a fic. So I did.

“You really don’t give a shit about anyone, do you?” Eric scoffed. 

“I give a shit about you. If I didn’t then we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You wouldn’t have even gotten through the door,” Felix told him. 

“Would you save me if The Mad King tried to kill me?” Felix was silent. “That’s all I needed to know.”

Eric got up to leave and Felix reached out to grab his wrist.

“Let go,” he tried to jerk his arm away, but the other man only tightened his grip as he moved around the desk. 

“I’ll protect you until I can’t,” he said.

“Yeah, sure,” Eric snorted. 

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Eric,” Felix pulled him closer and kissed him. Eric returned the kiss. Felix let go of Eric’s wrist, putting his hands on the younger man’s face. “You’re such a fucking idiot sometimes.”

Another trope I’m a total slut for - they’re arguing and then kiss. Like please give me all of that. It sparks joy.

“Say what? You’re my vice? My competition’s pretty little errand boy is my forbidden pleasure? That I think of you when I’m fucking someone else?” Felix replied, releasing Eric’s hair. The two men watched each other for a moment - half clothed, hair askew, lips swollen - taking in Felix’s admission. 

“You…think about me when you’re with someone else?” Eric swallowed hard. 

“Ever since that first night,” Felix confirmed. 

“That’s almost 3 years,” Eric said. 

“Two years, ten months, and five days if you want to be specific,” the older man smirked. 

All this really served to establish was the length of their relationship and the fact that Eric was legal when they started sleeping together. Also I’m that freak who will look up the exact amount of time between dates just for shits & giggles.

“Hard already for me I see,” he purred, stroking the younger man’s dick.

“Like you aren’t,” Eric squeezed Felix through his pants.

“The better to fuck you with, my dear,” the older man smirked.

Yes, I went there with the Little Red Riding Hood reference. You’re welcome.

“Felix,” Eric reached up to touch the other man’s face when he finished.

“I know,” he replied, fucking into Eric as hard as the position would allow. He painted Eric’s insides white, emptying everything he had into his body. Felix fell on top of Eric when he finished. “Ruined?”

“Ruined,” Eric confirmed.

This is not only how you get around saying “I love you” in a scene, it’s also one of the plethora of ways you can say “he came” instead of saying just that. 

“Is that why you’re here?” Felix asked. He adjusted his legs again, spreading them even wider. Eric reached up and carefully undid his belt and unzipped his pants. Did zippers always sound this loud? He bit his lip to stay quiet and managed to push Felix’s underwear down far enough to release his cock.

This scene was actually from a different fic I wrote that never saw the light of day. Funnily enough, Juyeon was the one giving the under the desk BJ & Younghoon was the one receiving.

“You are a menace,” he said. 

“Don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy me sucking you off while you’re trying to hold a conversation,” Eric grinned up at him.

“Touché,” Felix sighed. “I meant what I said earlier. I’ll protect you until I can’t anymore,” Felix stroked Eric’s cheek with his thumb.

“How long is that?” Eric asked.

“As long as I’m alive,” Felix replied. Eric had definitely not expected that answer.

“Thank you,” Eric rested his head on Felix’s knee.

“Always,” the older man replied.

The Harry Potter reference was not intentional, especially given how the author is persona non grata lately. I wanted a moment between the two of them where it was obvious there were real feelings between them, but Felix being in a position where revealing his feelings or saying “I love you” was dangerous. Screwing around? Fine. Love? Nope. None of that. Did I mention I also love the whole forbidden love / relationship trope? Because I do.

I realize I didn’t roast myself as much as I could have with specific scenes, but there’s an adage among NSFW writers - “there’s only so many ways to write a blowjob”. I feel like a lot of it was repetitive and it takes forever to think of ways to write something that wasn’t identical to how I just wrote it. I hope you find my smut passable at least. If not, I’m always open to suggestions.

[regaliasonata]

Ranger Headcanons Batch

-Marah and Dustin, after settling out their differences, have become rather good friends. Mainly like two braincells forming together in unison. She kinda likes to play dress up with him and with attending the academy invites him with Kapri to sleepovers.

-Marah loves Doja Cat, though Cameron had to take away her speakers when she kept blaring music in the Watanabe Estate. She gets music from Conner who in turn gets it from SPD so she has access to future artists.

-The Wild Force zords and animal spirits in JF are the same but have variations. The animarium used to be affiliated with Pai Zhua but split off, WF focuses on sharing wild force powers through their crystals as outside sources while JF utilizes animal spirit powers from the inside.

-Some dimensions share a universal counterpart, Shelby and Scott are counterparts along with their fathers. This may also count with other characters such as Mack and Venjix or Kendall and Dr. K.

-A lot of the older red rangers from MMPR to Time Force do not like the newer reds. For many reasons...One they aren't exactly keen on being respectful just because of bragging rights, Hunter is hated the most by some of them for good reason due to Jason trying to impede on personal business the Bradley's had with their parent's old enemies and the red ranger came back with electric burns on his body. Two the amount of gimmicks and forms kinda show up the older reds, Jayden and Casey jumped Tommy during a forced sparring match. And finally three, Tyler doesn't know who they are and for all we know there could've been different teams in his universe so who the hell is Jason Lee Scott?

-Hunter does actually like TJ, Eric and Andros, Cole is nice but he doesn't like him cause Dustin's got eyes for the fellow lion ranger...it's on sight if Jason comes to Blue Bay Harbor.

-Taylor and Jen despise SPD, Syd and Z's treatment being the reason.

-The first yellow ranger meeting happened during Ninja Storm and Dustin literally became the marshmallow of the group.

-Some teams that are more secluded have reasons mainly due to feeling indifferent about zordon or the increase of mmpr rangers trying to come in a fix everything when they aren't needed.

-while Mystic Force may the the strongest team due to their magic, raw power wise that category goes clearly to Ninja Storm with their non ranger elemental powers and training...if anything if lothor kept them as evil then I feel like it would've been even harder to change them back than in the DT crossover. Jungle Fury might be abel to take care of them if they are lucky.

-Rangers, specifically those with civilian powers, are banned from the Olympics. Or at least until there's a division crested specifically for them.

-The Morphin Grid has a spiral of collective unconscious with ideas, hence why Tarrick and Leanbow share a dort of similarity. The idea is that there might've been some magical aspects on Rafkon giving Tarrick the same appearance armor wise or a dimension where Leanbow was his counterpart.

-Necrolai and RJ had a feud during the Twilight era of media...Vida and Casey were hyping both sides up(mainly supporting their respective partners🩷🖤❤️💜). Luckily this wasn't about the movie and more on which were better, werewolves or vampires.

-Hunter and Blake's willingness to kill Kanoi wasn't by circumstance. They really were down to murder if needed, the Thunder Academy had some rather different ways of training but from being fueled by losing their parents if anything was to happen to the other sibling then it would be lights out for their enemies.

-During the Cosmic Fury invasion the Mystif Force team didn't lose against Zedd but only got caught off guard. He needed a backup plan because he knew he wasn't strong enough to beat them, they roasted the shit out of him from the ranger prisons.

-Majority of the rangers aren't straight.

[nenupharhein]

Fairy tail goofy hc

Mostly queer, FR/ENG (/créole vite fait genre une phrase)

POV Natsu et Happy :

Lucy becomming more and more buff as she train.

One day Natsu thought he got the concept of gendre but no.

One time Sting try to eat himself bc he was so hungry, bc he can eat what's white.

Erik real name is Eric but he thought it was more swag with a K.

Erza is a tismé sucré des îles sucré au surce carameliser.

Meldy has a jelly fish hair cut.

JELLAL IS TRANSFEM, because she is too cool to be a man, so erza is a lesbian !!!!!!!

T4T GRUVIA

Natsu is poc and Zeleph is white as an ass

Mavis speak creole, bc she's from Tenro

Jubia got mommy issues (i will explain later)

Erza is buff lika Patty on tiktok.

The girl and girlies got an MMA club (the sport not the assurance)

Readers do art therapy on demand

Macbeth is non-binary. They never got over the closure of skyblog. Mira give them her old wardrobe and Luxus his old CD.

Erik is immunized to every poison but he's lactos intolerant that dumbass

Lucy got a carabiner for her keys bravo les lesbiennes

Crime Sorcière became a registred guild and with the help of the concil then try to reinsert crimminals to society (i will explan later)

Cana is from the south of France, le pastis o con putaing

Bacus is from Bretagne, BREIZH DA VIKEN

Zoro from one piece is vendéen

Makarof the first time he saw Natsu eating fire : Ti marmail la la baise la science (the expression is from my mother idk)

Gadjeel eats his own piercings when he is hungry

Lisana have been influence by edo-Lucy, so is now roasting the shit out of everyone. Her favorit sentance is : elle comme ou quoi cette pute ?

(Sorry for the last one, that was a french meme. Sorry for my frenchness)

Reby and Mirajane host a podcast and invite the guild members, and some time other guild. (Once they had crime sorcière as guest , and they get the council au cul) (for the defense of crime sorcière, they thought it was a podcast for fairy tail members only)

Macbeth is a huge fan of Mozart l'opéra rock, their favorite song is "L'assassymphonie"

Gadjeel has the certificate (or whatever it is) to pierced people, but only Reby can get free piercing.

So Reby got a navel piercing, and some on her ears

Erza a a scar on the right eye (the one she cover), because action has consequences and healing everything without scars is boring. Or if not a scar she can't see with the fake eye or something. At least she can never cry from that eye again.

She has also a scars burn on her arms since she stopped the fight between Nastu and Grey

Wendy healing magic (or any healing magic i guess) is like an acceleration of the healing or scarring process, so it live scars and stuff.

After Jubia sacrificed herself to save Grey, she get chronic Pain (or something like that, idk i'm not a doctor)

Jubia is bi, when she says "rival in love" when talking about Lucy, she's talking about the rivality between Lucy and Grey. She's in love with both of them. (Jubia also had a crush on Erza, but every girls in ft got a crush on Erza)

Sting il a découvert sa bisexualité a l'envers, il pensait être gay et un jour il a eu un crush sur une meuf (too lazy to translate this one, but it's like the Chevalier de Lorraine in Versailles)

Bisca and Arzak are bi4bi

Erza get actual armor, not the things she has on the anime where she's half-naked most of the time.

And they also have magic clothes that can resist to magic, so they don't finish half-naked

Sting discovered his bisexuality in reverse, he thought he was gay and one day he had a crush on a girl (not lazy anymore)

Yukino and Minerva are dating 🥰💗🎀

I have many hc but i forget the rest. I will do an other post maybe. Maybe focus on a specifique character.

Also I don't know how to use Tumblr so forgive me.

I also can't speak a proper english sorry

💗🌸🎀

[storiesabouthumanandthings]

The Punk and The Suit 5

After a few lunches of proving Kristoph can at least stand on a board without falling and getting glares from Eric and his cronies, Kieran and Kristoph make plans for a Saturday.

“So if you are actually going to ride the board, you are going need clothes you can get dirty and shoes with some actual give in the soles that you won’t mind getting scuffed.”

Kristoph just looks nervous and nods.

“You do have other shoes right?”

Kristoph pursed his lips and shakes his head, “Dress and golf shoes for meeting with some clients that refuse to meet in the office.”

Kieran rolls his eyes, “Well we can go get you some cheap skate shoes.…….you got clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty, right?”

Kristoph refuses to meet his eyes,

“RIGHT?”

Kristoph turns back to Kieran with a pained face, “Pajamas?”

Kieran stands up, “Are you fucking kidding me!? All you own are suits?”

Kristoph tries to defend himself, “No, I own Polo’s too, that’s not a suit!”

“That is just weekend suit, causal suit, this mother fucker!”

Kristoph trying to get back on skating, “I have seen people go skating in pajamas.”

“And I bet even your pajamas have ties.”

Kristoph looks away.

“No! No Way!”

“It’s only one pair! It was a novelty gift I got for Christmas. It’s not even a real tie. It just on one side of the shirt to look like a tie when you button it up.”

Kieran is laughing hard to himself, “Motherfucker got ties and buttons on his pajamas.”

Kristoph tries for a good comeback, “They are a high qualify material and they feel nice. Probably nicer fabric than anything you wear.”

“Since I usually sleep naked, yeah, I bet the fabric is.”

Kristoph was glad he was already blushing or else it would be obvious were his mind was going.

“Whatever, I guess we just got to take you on a small shopping trip.”

Kristoph huffed, “Fine but we should get you a suit while we are at it.”

Kieran reacts shocked, “Who says I don’t have a suit?”

Kristoph looks him up and down, “Whatever suit you do have, if you have one, doesn’t fit you well. Was probably bought at some budget store, black slacks and blazer with a white button up. If there is a tie, most likely that is black as well or high school colors. Fits you loose, wore once, that you bought out of necessity and never wore again. Or is some family hand-me-down that gets passed around when needed. And the way you and Patrick act, my guess is the only time you wear a suit is to get married, get buried, or to go to court. Sounds about right?”

Kieran laughs and flips him off, “WOW. I didn’t know you could be a dick, Kris.”

Kristoph laughs quietly, “I am in Marketing. My whole job is to study people and try and learn what they like and don’t like to try and get them to buy our product. The product of that is sometimes you get pretty good at reading people.”

“Oh and that gives you permission to be a Pissy Krissy?”

“That means I can call out people on things sometimes that they might not know themselves. For example, people will almost always get the taller cup, even when the shorter cup can hold more, because the taller cup looks like more. And since you were giving me a roasting me about my closet, thought it was fair to send a few embers back at you.” Kristoph grins

Kieran laughs, “Well you’re not wrong. I do only have one suit. It does fit like shit. I have worn it more than once but only for weddings and funerals, so yes black with white button up. Bow Tie because I am fucking fancy.”

Kristoph snorts at the bow tie comment, “I would like to see you in the bow tie.”

Kieran leans into Kristoph, “No other clothes, just the bow tie?” and begins to laugh. “Fine, we will get you some NORMAL clothes to skate in and I’ll get a good suit since I have the art thing coming up. My manager has been bitching about showing up in my normal attire. Stated I needed to dress up for the press anyways.”

Kristoph smiles, “It’s a date then?”

Kieran, “A date. Especially if our families ask.”

First Previous Next

[1moreoffkeyanthem]

Alright I can’t sleep so it’s time for OJV headcanons that only myself will probably care about but who’s turn is it? Surprisingly not Kenny yet, but

Cartman.

• OrangeJuiceVerse Eric Cartman is an abrasive fuckwad, but he’s not actually Evil.

• He genuinely cares about his friends in his own fucked up way, but he will deny it every goddamn time. Like in hs he’ll give kenny a ride home when his shitty death trap car won’t start but he WILL insult him the whole way.

•this hasn’t been seen in the fics yet, but this mf starts a WEDDING PLANNING COMPANY called, you guessed it, CUPID ME. Marj actually got her degree in hospitality and helps him with it. Both the Style and Kenjorine weddings were GORGEOUS and so personal.

•he didn’t go to college himself but still lived with the group in their weird little house close to campus, and was the one to dubb the place “SP Survivors Safehouse” and named the EXTREMELY dangerous staircase the Widowmakers.

•was the drum major senior year but was incredibly lazy about it, just wanted a “position of power” (only got the position bc he’s an okay clarinet player and his mom slept with the assistant director)

•definitely fights with Kyle growing up ofc because as a child, he WAS truly evil. Like sociopathic. In 6th grade he FINALLY gets some mental help and is surprisingly good about keeping up with the cocktail of antipsychotics and various other shit, plus therapy and trying really hard to empathize with others.

^on that note he still ACTS LIKE A TOTAL DICK most of the time because he thinks it’s funny, but also because he is terrified of anything changing in their group and ya can’t teach an old mr kitty new tricks

• has the most OUT OF POCKET INSULTS ever and is SHOCKINGLY good at naming things. He coined the phrase “Sadsack” too.

• most of them are to mess with kyle of course. Some of his favorites are “pack it up, Fiddler On The Roof”, calling him a burning bush, prince of Egypt, things of that nature. HOWEVER!!!

•the rest of the gang accepted long ago that Cartman was always just gonna call them names and be a general jerk, but they SET UP RULES AS TO WHAT HE CANT DO/SAY!

• in high school, they implement the “Fuckwad Jar”.

• the rules of the jar are as follows: he can rip on his friends, but the SECOND something he does or says genuinely hurts someone, he has to put a dollar in. No exceptions.

• for example, he can roast Stan for being a “tree hugging hippie” and call him a buttplug, “photosynthesizing dildo”, but he CANT call him an alcoholic or try to bring home a taxidermied dog

• he’s not ACTUALLY for real transphobic, but if he tries to make a joke about Marj for shits and giggles, JAR!

• since his favorite target is Kyle, he has the most shit. He DOES still make fun of him for being Jewish, but ANYTHING GENUINELY ANTISEMITIC and ESPECIALLY ww2 “jokes” get the Jar. He’s also not allowed to say SHIT about his body, eating habits, or make ED jokes (this was a rule Stan made on his bfs behalf). Once, he made a concentration camp /ed joke COMBO while only Kyle and Marj were in the room. Kyle completely froze, but Marj went over and FUCKING DECKED HIM. When the other two got home and Kyle got over the initial shock, they all forced him to cough up his entire wallet lmao

• he can call Kenny a perv and rip on him for being poor and “pocket sized with nothing in his pockets”, he’ll call him McWhoremick but the Kenny jar rule is that you DO NOT SUGGEST THAT HES DISLOYAL

•sry I just enjoy the concept of the jar lol

•has a lot of fun living with the gang during his gap year, holding on to that last little bit of childhood normalcy, but eventually he does have to move on. He winds up traveling for a while and eventually settles in Nevada and sets up his business

•has a cat and that thing is SPOILED AS HELL

•tries to send Stan one of those beef jerky club memberships every year for Christmas lmaooooo

[adultswim2021]

Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job #48: “Handsome” | April 19, 2010 - 12:30AM | S05E08

Morning Meditations bookends this weird episode of this weird show. In it, a strange man removes some of his clothes and then does animal stuff. They cut back to it at the very end for some reason. Very weird choice to call back the worst recurring sketch ya got. Great Job. 

This one also has a trippy drug-using theme to it; at least in the opening theme and closing credits. The normal visuals are augmented to include a trippy pulsating rainbow filter and extra imagery of weed and peace signs and buzzwords like TRANCE, WTF, etc. That is because this is the episode that aired right before April 20th, or “Smoking Some Weed Day”. It’s a fun idea, but they don’t go as all out as one would hope. I can imagine a higher effort version of this existing and it makes me a LITTLE SAD. 

I remember liking this one, but it’s a fairly mixed bag. Some of it works for me, which is all you can ask for in a sketch comedy program. Among the duds is a bunch of dads singing “It’s a perfect dad day”. This one’s pretty typical Tim & Eric style humor, all being about dads and whatnot. This one isn’t too good. Certain jokes, like putting gay guy pornography in one of the dads’ hands, seems like low-hanging fruit. Unless that dad was like “Tim, Eric, as a gay man I please request you represent my preferences accurately”. If that's the case, then they were being nice. Also the dads they got for this are dog shit. You got four freaking dads in this thing and you couldn't even ask MY dad to be in it??

The main standalone sketch in this is the Cinco Facetime Party Snoozer, a mask (and stand-up brace) that gives one the impression that you are awake and attentive during a social function, when really you're secretly asleep. It also has Bob Odenkirk soundbites saying affirmative phrases. This one’s pretty good, and pretty memorable. I don’t know if it’s as good as other Cinco products, though. It’s still the sketch of the episode. I promise I’m not being icy about this one just because I was once roasted by a group of friends for mistaking the actor in this for being my friend from school.

Okay, so this one actually is mostly focused on Tim & Eric’s petty battle over who is the more handsome man, and is fairly substantial. Tim & Eric do their detached acting style here for the most part, but it’s a far less grating example than some other episodes this season. This one has some memorable moments, like when Tim and Eric each play a campaign video of sorts to a panel of judges (including the much-missed Richard Dunn). Eric’s video is him dressed like Brett Gelman going “OH YEAH” while strange-looking women with huge, presumably fake, boobs appear around him. The imagery in this one makes me laugh. A little!

Tim’s video is shot like a Playboy Playmate video profile, and makes fun use of Tim’s disgusting body. Tim really goes for it, and this is a fairly fearless performance. I respect it! I remember laughing at this one more the first time I saw it way back when. It had diminishing returns this time, but I still liked this bit.

The end is that the panel of judges are deadlocked, and Richard Dunn demands that the boys give him a french kiss to determine the winner. “Come and french me, boys” says Dunn, while waggling his tongue around. It’s sorta shocking to see him be so outwardly gross, since Dunn’s whole appeal was just being slightly befuddled. Again, this is a moment I remember laughing at the first time around and it did a little less for me this time. I suppose I simply don’t feel too strong about it either way, and can see the argument for this being a little tasteless. And what's worse is that you don't actually get to see them kiss.

Dunn looks MUCH older in this appearance than he ever has before, which is basically just how aging works. But, Dunn’s lack of participation might be from the realization that he probably needed his rest.

Before the season started, my friends and I called him on Skype, half expecting him to not pick up. He did, just as my friend was saying something about him being old. Dunn gladly picked up and greeted us, causing my one friend to run away from his microphone. Me and another friend just chatted him up. We admitted that we didn’t think he was going to pick up, and gave him some nice compliments and sent him on his way. He seemed jazzed to have fans. He mentioned that he’d be in this season, and it looks like in retrospect this was mostly it. Maybe we should’ve gotten a content warning. 

Again, this isn’t the last we see of Dunn, but since I burned my one-and-Dunn anecdote about the man, I’ll link to this, his tribute from the season 5 DVD, which is mostly clips: 

MAIL BAG

From breadharrity

My biggest memory of this episode is showing this to some girl in college trying to impress her because i guess she had "stoner vibes" (i remember it was this one because of the 420 friendly intro) but was in sober housing. She later showed me The Last Unicorn which was pretty cool and also 420 friendly.

Let this be a lesson to the weed smokers: Tim & Eric rocks and so does Unicorn: The Movie, and both will get you laid

[thefandom-casserole]

Just random little things I noticed/reactions I had during the episodes of season two (because I didn’t post them as they came to me)

Dndads Observations-

Omg Grant talking about how much he doesn’t deserve love and how much he’s broken and sucks. And him trying to convince Link to never be like him.

The asexual “fbi” agent is wonderful

Marco is a contractor

Link gives off Neil (Camp Camp) vibes with how much swearing he does but is still sweet

I need Mae and Doug to meet

HOLY SHIT WILLY HOLY SHIT JESUS FUCK HOLY SHIT WILLY NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

PLEASE TEENS DONT LET HIM OH MY GOD

I’m so upset that Hermie doesn’t get the same “in huddle” treatment that Paeden got :(

Terry Jr. is going to be so fucking freaked out that Willy is out

Terry has people he loves on both ends (his step dad and his step daughter) that have Dads that did not love them

Someone needs to make a compilation of all the times they roll an 11 in season two because there’s been SO MANY

Poor Hermie. Jodie recognized his grandson, but couldn’t even mention his own son :(

OMG NORMAL ROASTED HERMIE SO BAD I FEEL SO BAD HOLY SHIT OMG. AT FIRST I THOIGHT IT WAS NORMAL UPSET ABOUT GETTING BETRAYED BUT THEN EVERYTHING HAPPENED HOLY SHIT

ALSO HERMIE’S COMEDY TJATS SO SAD OMG PELASE SAY THAT SOMEONE MENTIONS HOW JACKED UP THAT IS OMG. I KNOW HES PLAYING THE JOKER BUT JESUS CHRIST

“I say how we’re all thinking I’d be better off dead” JESUS CHRIST WAY TO PEG ME SQUARE ON THE NOSE IF I DIDNT RELATE TO HERMIE BEFORE I DO WAY MORE NOW

This space shit/marriage is absolutely the best thing they’ve ever done

Something something normal almost being Willie’s lackey being so eerily similar to how Hermie (Two Face) went about doing their decisions on a day to day something something

Omg Taylor sounds so much like Eric Cartman. Especially when he’s yelling at Nicky to save his Mom from Willies binding thingy 💀

I really hope Hermie keeps playing having a crush on Link as well as Scary just to piss off Normal that’d be really funny (for the audience)

Normal’s conscious is starting to sound a lot more like Henry’s when the pyramid fell (with the agents that they sent wandering in portals)

[piperslovebot]

What would you name as the best and worst trait of each main T70sS and T90sS character?!

Eric

Best: He’s a very compassionate person. Doesn’t seem to just mindlessly judge (notice how he’s the only one not making fun of Caroline), very smart, resilient as hell (how he can handle being roasted as much as he was in canon, I’ll never know).

Worst: His views on gender aren’t the best, which obviously makes sense for him to develop given the way he grew up, but that’s not an excuse. Thank god he grew from that. Also, he’s way too forgiving for his own good honestly.

Donna

Best: She’s a very kind and caring person. A really good friend, especially to Jackie. And she means well. Despite what life threw at her, Donna still remained a good person. She’s also someone I can relate to a lot (feminism, fighting for what I believe in, hypocrisy on some occasions).

Worst: By season 3 and beyond, she seems to think of herself as “above” Eric and even believes herself that he’s not good enough for her. (I.e. the “hot enough to get Shelly” line, “I know you’re hot because you’re with me”, laughing when Jackie refers to Eric as her sister instead of defending him). Also her feminism is very flawed (slut shaming girls she hates (and is it a coincidence that they’re all blonde?), calling herself “Hot Donna”). Which granted, I know it’s the ‘70s and the environment she grew up in didn’t help, but that’s not an excuse.

Jackie

Best: She loves fiercely and passionately. Works very hard at school (early seasons) and a high ambition. Also she’s very resilient. The fact that even after the shit she dealt with, she still is able to believe in love and think about a future is amazing. Honestly if I were in her shoes, I could never. Also I love her ability to fix cars (early on)

Worst: She’s very mean. Like downright nasty. Shaming Donna’s height, hands, hair, her relationship with Eric. Insulting the kind of man Eric is. And just is very xenophobic and honestly I’d even go as far as to say racist.

Hyde

Best: He truly is a good guy. Cares a lot about the people he loves. Shows appreciation to RK constantly. Great sense of humor, resilient, etc.

Worst: He can be a dick at times, to Jackie, to Eric. Also he deals with his fears and abandonment issues so terribly, to the point of pushing them on Jackie (making her agree not to talk about their future, cheating on her with a nurse instead of actually talking to her, etc.) Also basically punishing Jackie for not forgiving him. And the way he talks about Eric and Donna’s relationship at times annoys the hell out of me and honestly? Hard for me to hate Eric and Donna for being mean about JH for two episodes, which Jackie and Hyde make snide remarks about ED for seasons.

Kelso

Best: He truly is a good guy. Despite his issues, he does seem to care for his loved ones and it’s shown multiple times (apologizing to Jackie for cheating, being there for Fez after Nina’s parents were racist to him, getting Jackie and Hyde back together, being there for Brooke and Betsy, and proving to Angie that he wants to commit to her). He’s also very funny as well. And while I hate AK, he plays Kelso truly well.

Worst: He’s a serial cheater, a complete hypocrite (getting mad at Jackie for kissing Todd and dating Hyde even though he slept with several girls while still dating her), an asshole, doesn’t seem to think before he acts, sexually harasses Donna (groping her butt and boobs without her consent).

Fez

Best: He’s a very sweet guy in the early seasons, curious about life and trying to learn about American culture, makes great jokes, very respectful towards women (early on for the most part), and tells it like it is.

Worst: He becomes a huge pervert in the later seasons (taking a pic under Donna’s skirt, watching his friends having sex without their knowledge) and is a huge hypocrite (making fun of Eric and implying he’s not “good enough” for Donna, while also groping Rhonda).

Gwen

Best: She’s brave, isn’t afraid to fight for what she believes in, is deeply loyal, a feminist, loves deeply, adventurous, and a great leader.

Worst: She can be very stubborn (i.e. Dirty Double Booker) and doesn’t always deal with her emotions the best. Also that ooc-ness from her near the end of Kids In America.

Nikki

Best: She’s smart and ambitious. Believes in love and prioritizes her relationship but not at the expense of her future. Very brutally honest and super sweet.

Worst: Her controlling behavior towards Nate in The Rave is a lot like how Jackie behaved towards Kelso in T7S. But aside from that, I can’t really think of much.

Jay

Best: He has a good heart and is shown to be a very kind and respectful person. Always owned up to his mistakes and apologized. Not perfect but he is a good guy and tries to be better.

Worst: Obviously there was the “confession” at the rave, but I don’t hold that against him since he apologized and actually made up for that by being honest. I could maybe say his fears near the end of DDB, but I feel like it’s normal and human for him to feel that way.

Leia

Best: She’s a very kind hearted person, who loves her friends a lot. I can really relate to her in Free Leia where she just wants the gang to like her. She’s smart, funny, and is just unapologetically her.

Worst: She seems to give into peer pressure often, but I can relate to that lol. Plus she’s 14-15. Also there was that whole “playing the player” bs storyline. Then her literally trying to change herself for a boy. Also her basically being Nate’s side chick while he was dating Nikki. And I’ve talked about my current feelings on that scene, so I’m not gonna go on any further.

Nate

Best: He’s funny, sweet, and a genuine well meaning guy. A (mostly) loyal friend and a great brother. Also I love Max so there’s that haha.

Worst: Him not being honest with Nikki about his feelings and talking to Leia, calling Nikki practical behind her back for being realistic (he may not have said the word but that’s only because he didn’t know it existed until Leia told him), ditching Nikki at the last minute for a used hot tub.

Ozzie

Best: He can be funny sometimes, and I love his plot in Step By Step, and just in general when we see the heart of him. Also Reyn Doi plays him very well imo.

Worst: He’s very…mean to his friends and just everyone. Also while I’m glad that the writers seem to be planning on actually giving him depth, so far in canon canon, he’s just an asshole. Especially to Leia.

[imasouthparknerd]

I turned me and my friends as our South Park alternate self

Before I get started on this, I will be using my friends nicknames (or their preferred names) for privacy reasons.

Tweek (Jaax, Me) -

Tweek is known for his constant anxiety, and anxious behavior. he's the boyfriend of Craig Tucker. Uhhh he's gay. A lot of things seem to overwhelm him. He also loves coffee and his guinea pig Stripe. His superhero alter-ego is "Wonder Tweek, an elementalist with the power to shock and "chill out" his foes with the addition of healing his fellow allies."

I don't always worry, but I am a worrier. And I'm not a coffee lover, but I do care for my pet. I'm also homosexual, but single like a Pringle all alone.

Craig (Andrew/Asher/Gandrew) -

"Craig seems to be the most stoic, cynical, apathetic, and deadpan kid in South Park, having a more abrasive personality than the rest of the characters, a trait exaggerated by his deeper-than-average voice. He has been described as pragmatic, monotone, and sarcastic. He also appears to be more logical and mature than some of his peers, typically being the one to call them out on their ignorance."

Andrew isn't really a super "pragmatic, monotone, and sarcastic," but they fit the "emo" aesthetic vibes that Craig has. Also Andrew is my...lmao...not a partner, but like..*laughing dying* Their my partner in crime

Stan (Aubrey) -

"Stanley "Stan" Marsh is one of South Park's main characters along with Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, and Kenny McCormick. Stan attends South Park Elementary as part of Mr. Garrison's Fourth Grade Class (formerly Third). Like the other South Park boys, Stan is also rarely grounded. He usually does not understand why he gets grounded after doing something that causes him to be grounded..."

Okay so uh, I couldn't find any like, personality based things, but they fit the part, it's just ✨vibes✨ y'know?

Kyle (Erin) -

Okay I'm gonna be completely honest.

All Kyle does is yell, or be a smart ass...

And that fits Erin PERFECTLY. Just the other day, we were arguing about the food we buy, and everyone was shouting about what pockey is best (stupid shit). And also if there's something I didn't understand, she becomes all smart and gets all prissy.

(But she's my closest friend, I wasn't trying to expose, or roast them).

Butters (Celestial Kumar) -

One word...

✨INNOCENCE✨

Both are PURE 😇😇😇😇😇😇😇

[thedopple]

"I thought Lycans preferred the masses? And, hey, the more the merrier," KJ exclaimed, their hands outstretched to either side to put more emphasis on it. "I'm already a terror, so all I can do is help my bestie through these trying times, you know?" The two of them could only stick together and hope for the best. Eric being a Lycan made them a target for the plague in general, so it was KJ's main reason for even coming to the Embassy tonight: to play the guardian. It was then that the dopple grabbed a bowl of soup out of their bag. "So, it's not homemade, but it's a warm roasted tomato soup. Pretty nutritious and tasty," KJ smirked at Eric, "Uh," that same smirk disappeared rather quickly at Eric's mention of magic. "No, you know I can't do shit anymore. These days it's just me being dead and posing as other people like a totally sane person, Eric." they joked.

Eric was weakened by whatever the Pythia had done to them, the condition exacerbated further by the literal plague that filtered mercilessly through Rome. They sniffled, fatigue rampant within them. if they were to never eat another lycan heart again it wouldn't kill them but it'd merely revert them to previous strengths and abilities and Eric could feel the power draining from them already; though that was likely all within their own paranoid mind. "It'd be easier if there weren't a million lycans pouring into New Rome," it was starting to get cramped in there and they'd only just been welcomed into the Lupo. Eric rolled their eyes, grinning mildly, "Regular old soup can't cure whatever is going around. We'd need some of your magic now more than ever," another sniffle from them.

[serenity-songbird]

You write for South Park? Yayyyy

If you write for Eric Cartman, then do Cartman. If not theeeen do Kyle.

s/o who’s got some German roots? Calling him “Liebling“ (darling) - my fav pet name for someone. If Cartman/Kyle is interested then talking about history.

Ahhh hope it’s fine with ya

Request In headcanons btw))

I will absolutely write for Eric Cartman. I will also write for Kyle because he is my favorite character/South Park crush. Thank you for requesting and specifying exactly what you want. (It makes it easier to write.)

-Alright so let's admit it, Eric Cartman definitely made fun of your German accent when you first met. He's Eric Cartman sooo...

-It wasn't until he got to know you that he eased off a bit. (Again he is Eric Cartman so of course he will trash talk you to the guys. He can't let the guys know he has a soft spot for you).

-If you're a Baker, he will definitely fall deeper in love. Your German Chocolate cakes and apple strudels are too die for.

-Secretly loves your accent and you know it.

-Was confused the first time you called him Liebling and immediately assumed it was an insult. You had to calm him down and explain what it meant. Now everytime you call him it, his heart beats a little bit faster. (He won't ever admit it).

-Tells the guys that Liebling means Hunk in German. (Kyle didn't believe him and Googled it. The guys totally roasted him for it and now you are no longer allowed to call him that when they are around. ONLY ALLOWS IT WHEN YOU ALONE. *Emphasis on ALONE*)

-Suprisingly, when you two are alone he really is a good boyfriend. He may not exactly be the best listener, but if you're upset he genuinely tries to cheer you up in his own Cartman way.

-Will definitely ruin someone's life if they ever made you upset or did anything to hurt you.

-He is definitely a great cuddler.

-His mother loves you and invites you over for dinner all the time.

-In conclusion, you're relationship with him may not be perfect, but he really can be a great boyfriend when he puts in the effort and really does love you.

(This gif is just 😳😳😳 My heart!!! 😍😍😍)

-I think its needless to say that Kyle will fight anybody and everybody who dare speak ill of you. (It almost always Cartman).

-Cartman once again made fun of your accent and background at recess and Kyle took off gloves (shown above) and just beat the shit out of him.

-You, however, were starstruck and blushed like a schoolgirl with the way the gloves came off. You love him so much.

-He absolutely adores you and could listen to your voice all day.

-100% loves your accent and gets weak everytime you call him Liebling.

-He definitely looked up German nicknames and settled on calling you mein schatz (My Treasure). Also, he wanted to impress you so the first time he ever said I Love you he said, "Ich liebe dich, mein schatz" Definitely used Google translate and practiced for hours to get it right.

-The first time you kissed he was shy and inexperienced, but within time (and secretly practicing at home) he become a really good kisser. 😘😘😘

-Gerald and Shelia absolutely adore you as well. Ike loves you and will always get you to play games with him. You interact so well with him and fit so perfect in his family. Kyle's heart swells at that fact.

-Kyle is the best boyfriend and will spoil you rotten with dates and gifts (you, of course, doing the same).

-He loves that you listen to him and always stick by him no matter what. (Give me boy some slack South Park. Why you gotta do him so dirty in the recent seasons? He is trying his best).

-He was a bit insecure at first because all his past crushes didn't work out so well, but you proved to be different and stuck with him through the ups and the downs.

-All-in-all you and Kyle are perfect for each other and definitely a power couple.

[gay-salt-amber]

Headcanons of Epel 5 and Neige and Rook joining the Vil and Deuce being step-brothers family holiday dinner:

Rook and Leona brought the good stuff

Cheka was too young to fully know the whole story of Deuce mum marrying Vil's dad but he was happy for the food

Lots of joke gifts of roasts or thing they know the other can't show off

Deuce's mum and Vil's dad now take the trophy of overly affectionate lovers within the ships

Deuce: Mom, please, don't show them the album- Eric: Who wants to see Vil's first movie? Vil: Dad no-

Neige and Rook and Ruggie helped cook in the kitchen while the others chat

Leona's and Vil's awkward eye contact of their FWB relationship years ago that only their partners know

Cheka got a stuffed animal and it is now his favorite thing. Still has it years later and will bite whoever takes it

Looks like a Hallmark movie dinner scene but was very much not with a bunch of them bonding over random shit and drinking after Cheka gets tuckered out

Awhh