#and they probably all secretly hate me
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Time for another headcanon that randomly popped into my head and would not leave me alone until I posted it:
Before Omega entered the picture, all of Hunter’s protective, caring, mother hen instincts we see in Bad Batch weren’t dormant, they were just focused on Crosshair. 😂
#picturing this is genuinely hilarious to me#I mean we all saw how he acted in the clone wars arc#Hunter pre Omega: This is my baby brother ☺️#Hunter to Crosshair: Do you have snacks? are you feeling okay? was that guy bothering you?#Crosshair probably HATED it (but secretly loved it)#he probably used it to his advantage when he didn’t want to do something#Hunter asks him to clean the outside of the ship and he’s like ‘you want me the batch baby to do this all by myself?’🥺#star wars tbb#star wars the bad batch#the bad batch#tbb crosshair#tbb hunter#tbb headcanons#hunter headcanons#bad batch headcanon#crosshair is the youngest#Crosshair is the batch baby
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im never quite good at dealing with people venting to me because my automatic response is to offer them a solution, and i get frustrated if they continue to vent without taking the solution, especially if it's a simple solution. i am aware that everyone has issues and that things are difficult but sometimes i see my friends and i just get so. envious and annoyed because they can just sit there and whine without even doing anything. which is a cruel thing to think because they do have legitimate issues but every time they're talking im just always thinking in the back of my head just do the fucking thing. Just do it. It doesn't Matter if X and Y are affecting you just fucking do it you have to do it you can't just sit on your ass and not do it. and i don't want to say that to my friends because it is mean and not nice and they have real legitimate issues and i completely understand where they're coming from and why they're struggling but my internal dialogue is a constant manta of "didnt ask didn't care stop being a little bitch and get over yourself and do it" because that's what i have to tell myself to get anything done
#i have a lot of emotions and thoughts and a lot of them are negative#idk. something something American ideology smthn smthn pull yourself up by your bootstraps smthn invidiualism#i get so jealous sometimes because you just get to sit around and do nothing and throw a pity party and I didn't get that#i didn't get to sit around and do nothing why do YOU#And I know that's a bad thibg to think and that both of us should have been able to rest#But oh does it make me ache#idk. I'm a problem solver. my response is usually How Can I Fix This and not Oh Its Hopeless Time To Cry#like if it is hopeless I know I tried all my options and there is nothing I can do#but with some people it feels like they throw their hands up and quit the second there's an issue and don't even try to bother solving it#and i know im also a hypocrite because sometimes I don't take the easy answers but that doesn't stop me from getting annoyed!!!!!#I get so irritated so quickly!!! Aughhhh!!!!!#I'm just tired rn#ive had multiple people have multiple problems come to me over the past few days and I don't mind helping them out at all#but sometimes it feels like they're just wallowing in their own misery and not actually doing anything#which I Know isn't True!!! But part of me still feels that way!!!#i usually don't vent about shit like this because I don't want people seeing my bad thoughts and thinking I secretly hate them#but ough. Oughhhh#tiny child me screaming that it's not FAIR because I DIDNT GET THAT. Why do YOU GET THAT WHY DIDNT I#unfortunately.#lilac post#vent#im probably gonna delete this because there's some people I talk to who I'm worried will see this and think im like.#secretly vague posting about them whicb like no
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had the most braindead repetitive conversation/argument with my parents. buzz cuts are too masculine but if you dye a design on it it become effeminate which is bad because then you look weak and if youre weak then society falls apart (all societies ever that have fallen apart for any reason are actually because of feminine men) and we start sacrificing babies. and also all mental illness is invented because only 4 people had anxiety in the 90s and covid was made up so that we would all become gay and trans and then the government can control us better and be joe biden's little sex slaves. and also i need to keep my hair long because my father finds it attractive. what
#lolaa.txt#what do i even tag this with . my mother wouldn't let me leave and i kept asking for sources and she kept saying 'i'm your mother!!!'#'i wouldnt lie to you!'#okay. say that to someone maybe who doesnt know you lie to them all the time.#its tiring going around in circles with her.my father is better because at least he admits when he doesnt have a reason for feeling some wa#also what got me. she said 'do you own research if you want!! but im right!!!'#yeahh not seeing anything about anything you just said. i think you made that up.#i have a theory that my mother secretly hates herself because she believes all women are weak and must serve strong men#and my father has so so much trauma and anxiety that he cant be that strong man#so now she feels like shes betraying her very biology when she has to step up.#and also because i am stronger than her now and my hair is long and far far denser than hers and i have a younger face#that she feels that im wasting my precious femininity that she could be using. does that make sense.#shes so miserable trapped in her idea of what makes a man and a woman what they are. once you stop caring about what makes someone somethin#you dont have to worry about anyone else.#im queer because i dont really feel that connection to biological and social ideas of gender that my parents seem to#never really have#im not gonna theorize 'ohh shed be happier nonbinary' or stuff like that because it is up to you and you alone to define who you are#if you spend your whole life trying to fit a box for the sake of fitting the box#then when would you have any space for self discovery#youve invented personality traits to go along with your box. now you can never ever change or grow as a person. congrats#and you know what? one day she will die. and that will be the end of that.#and i will live and i will probably shave my head a thousand times. and come up with new names#and new ways to be a better person that makes me feel happy#and i will dress like a boy because its all made up anyways. who cares.#and if you care? that much about what im wearing or how i look?#then thats your problem and i wont be responsible to maintain your happiness.#SORRY RANT OVER.#im just so flabbergasted. what a sad life someone can lead poisoned by jealously and reactive rhetoric.#tw homophobia#tw transphobes
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Sometimes I wonder if Ive actually grown as a person, and then I realize just how different my internal monologue is from what it was even a year ago and
Yeah, yeah I have changed, and for the better
#twiddling my thumbs and waiting for her to text me back and instead of spiralling and thinking about all the ways i could have fucked this#up and how she probably secretly hates me my internal thoughts are just 'darling dear i miss youuuu please write back soon 🥰🥰'#and i think that's a much healthier attitude towards missing someone lmao#it speaks
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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there
#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru#but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days#and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing#i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail#i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time#not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me#im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me#anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early#i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great#and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most#expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth#but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans#but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated#about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like#u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends#w yall. things happen#abby talks#and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw#a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes#OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it#was years ago but also like christ!
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Feeling very ‘I miss my friends’ in this chilli’s tonight
#text#usually I’m rlly good at handling Como and anxiety about my friends not secretly hating me lmao#but I think this is just the fact that like 90% of my friends attended pride and it came together last minute so I couldn’t rlly go#plus the period hormones#but like idk#just sucks and I miss them and idk I wish ppl had said earlier or I had decided to go#but that’s also my anxiety and neurodivergence saying I wasn’t invited so why would I gooooo#:( isn’t rlly anyone else’s fault I just miss them#I h8 being an adult with no money who lives far away from all their friends I wish the world would EXPLODE#probably will delete this later when I’m done feeling mopey and dramatic ✌️
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“Is it bad enough to talk to a doctor or do I just have small scattered symptoms of a mental illness so mild that it doesn’t deserve a label”? More at 11
#this is about the fact that I like. hallucinate sometimes lol#not super strong it’s probably just an overactive imagination but I see stuff at the corner of my eye all the time#I don’t like analog horror anymore because most of the time it’s not even that scary but then LATER I keep SEEING shit and I don’t even like#react to it. it’s like ‘oh of fucking course you decide to come here now. twat.’#oh yeah also I overthink like a madman and worry constantly about getting ‘caught’ all the time even though I’m obviously not doing anything#wrong. I can’t wait to go to college this fall and have that at least not be about my parents#but yeah this time round it’s more about my friends secretly hating me#I don’t mean like just ‘oh you’re annoyed at me and didn’t tell me directly’ I mean manufacturing a whole personality and then turning aroun#and mocking everything I ever said behind my back#punk speaks#anyway I’m sure it’s just anxiety and an overactive imagination
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everyone, i survived my first flight 🫡
#and only 1 tsa person was a bitch 🤭#and i made friends??????#<- they probably all secretly hate me#anne marie shut up pls :)
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i feel like everybody hates me, but especially those who i look up to...i feel like a little kid again...looking up to those who only look down upon me, instead of picking me up and embracing me.
#i just feel like nobody fucking likes me...like everybody secretly hates me and are actively trying to make me feel bad about myself#like i know that probably isnt true...but its the only thing that make sense#like no matter what i do everybody seems to leave me alone in my own little bubble...#everybody has their little groups with their little friends...but i dont...im the one who is a small member of multiple groups...#and that gets me left in the fucking dust#i just want to belong somewhere...i change and adapt to hopefully become a part of some group but it never works#i just want someone to hold me and tell me itll be ok...and that people dont actually hate me...#ykw if you fucking hate me you can tell me anons are on...i just wanna know im not the crazy one here...#im just trying to fit it so much that ive lost myself...who am i and who is what ive become?#i try and be friendly...and hope that i get accepted somewhere but they never really care...#im like the last kitten left in the cardboard box...all the others were cuter and healthier and now nobody wants me#nobody wanted me from the start...and now im all alone#idfk#i would do anything for a hug rn#since january shit has been going downhill...died...moved...gone...and then i had some people who cared and then it all fell apart again...#i just want to belong somewhere ffs...i want to be able to have friends...not just people who tolerate me...#i would rather have one friend that 10 people who tolerate me#idfk...im going to go eat ice cream until i cant feel any emotions anymore...#if i wasnt a pussy i would be stealing my parents alcohol...they already dont like when i eat...#or maybe i shouldnt eat...then maybe someone would love me...idfk...i just want to feel loved and secure and like i fucking belong
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Sometimes i decide not to post vent posts bc if someone says something nice or appeasing in response to it I’m going to snap and become evil
#my problem is that all of my insecurities are so thoroughly thought out you need a presentation with empirical evidence for me to even#consider believing you AND if I feel like you think that I was asking for a platitude or compliment or whatever then I CANNOT process it as#sincere bc then you’re just being nice because you’re a good person and my friend not bc it’s correct or like real#I don’t think love has to be earned but my brain thinks praise does#like love is unconditional but like I’m constantly weighing my own merits so praise needs to be for tangible reasons#also if you try to say anything nice to me right now it’s not gonna go well I’m in a terrible mood#this is like…. tbh art is like the fastest way for me to make something that then if people like it makes me feel good like art is such a#crux of my mental health like I don’t get much academic validation and like it’s not parental issues my parents are nice to me#I think it’s really a ME thing of me being very contemplative and critiquing in a thorough way#also all of my criticisms of myself are for things I actively knew better but didn’t do or like very rational things#it’s not oh my friends secretly hate me it’s that oh maybe my peers think I talk too much about things that aren’t always on topic in semina#seminar classes and yknow that’s probably true#or that oh I had a sloppy presentation for teaching and I’m always behind on grading which is true#but the extreme thing is how much I hate myself for that BUT it’s bc of the executive dysfunction that I am constantly mad at myself
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am i crazy or does the art for this years christmas story look like it was ai generated
i am 100% certain it WASNT, because that would be pretty out of character for fbg, but something about it looks so.... off!!!
maybe its just the big glassy mouse eyes that are putting into the uncanny valley for me. who knows!
#i will probably go back to not posting on this blog much again soon#but i had THINGS TO SAY#(tbh the main reason i switched to only posting BoRM updates on here was bc it really just aggrivated all my worst impulses)#(i get paranoid really easily??)#(so when i was starting to keep track of who was liking which of my posts so i could try to figure out who secretly hated me)#(uh. yeah its time to take a little break. i don't like when i get like that and certainly nobody else does either!!!)#(but also. what am i NOT gonna POST??? i love posting)
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realizing my self inserts are mostly just me taking one of my favorite character archetypes and going "like if i was THAT!" and actually that's awesome i'm so real for that.
#hold on let me see if i can list them all.#antigone: lesbian mad scientist of course <3#cyril: beleaguered office worker Hates It Here...#(see also: your most normal coworker is a huge weirdo actually they're just private about it.)#monprom!nyx: bookish sweetiepie actually full of repressed rage issues#csm!nyx: cool and mysterious person is actually not that cool or mysterious they're just good at pretending#psynauts!nyx: Funny Librarian#de:pp!nyx: intrepid paranormal investigator#quiver: externally a jock internally a nerd#this has reminded me. i must update the s/i portion of my carrd.#oh wait. bonus.#[redacted] s/i: snobby stuck-up grump secretly struggles with debilitating self-doubt and insecurity#(one of my personal favorites and a major reason i am even this invested in the show probably.)#s/i talk#nyx on comms
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sick of making plans with a specific friend only for her to not reach out abt actually hanging out until the afternoon after i’ve waited all day to hear back from her or for her to just cancel last minute entirely after i’ve again waited all day to hear back from her
#like i genuinely fucking get that sometimes life is exhausting and you’re tired and sometimes you need to take care of urself before hanging#out with people but for it to be so fucking consistent is exhausting for ME#we don’t even fucking make plans that often it’s literally maybe once a fucking month if that#like you’re telling me somehow whenever we have plans that’s when you’re SOOOOOO exhausted ?????? but you left the house 39203 other times#to do shit that takes up way more mental capacity than sitting bat your house smoking weed for a while and catching up?????#i just don’t fucking get it dude i really don’t#if i make plans with someone and the day of i don’t want to anymore i always tell them right fucking away so they don’t spend all day waitin#around and planning their entire day around it just to get fucked over#idk i’m just frustrated and probably need to eat something and i’ll be less angry#i’m just like. upset bc i don’t understand why she only ever seems to cancel on me or only seems to be soooooo exhausted when it’s the day#we planned to hang out like i just think it’s unfair to me and i Have expressed this in general before so it’s like ok cool#thanks for taking my own feelings and time into consideration 🙄🙄😐#like i literally love and adore my friends more than life itself and it just hurts and is shitty when someone doesn’t act the same even tho#they’ve said the opposite idk#i genuinely hope i don’t sound like a dick right now bc i truly really understand when ppl are mentally exhausted or deal with chronic issue#issues* bc fucking SAME HERE I ALSO DEAL WITH ALL RHAT so it’s like idk i just don’t wanna sound like a dick i am just upset i’m not feeling#like i’m loved the same as i love people idk this always happens to me i feel like i just love too much and i over project and then when i#don’t get the same things in return i feel like people actually don’t like me or secretly are tryin to separate from me idk it’s shitty i#hate it so bad i want a normal brain this shitnfucking sucks#my brain is going too hard now tho i need to stop before i spiral for real right here right now on tumblr dot com
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Stop trying to get their attention. Don't be selfish they're probably busy, stop trying to talk to them. Stop trying to get their attention ffs why do you wanna cling to this person again please just let them live their life don't try to insert yourself info their life cmon
#this is about a friend not a crush#i really missed them#i wanna talk all night and bug them and have their attention#but i feel wrong cuz i took advantage of their kindness at my lowest without even knowing n im terrified the same would happen now#im scared they don't even wanna be my friend and just as always they're too kind to everyone even people hurting them#they deserve better than me#but i missed them so much i love them so much i treasure this person so much and i want them in my life i wanna be in their lives#i know they probably actually like us being friends but im terrified they secretly hate me#/platonic
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Thinking about how S3 Hawk probably projected a lot of his own self hatred onto Demetri, and it probably resulted in the Demetri in his head being...something like this ;_____;
bro, the me inside your head is kind to you, right? haha? 🤨
#NO BUT IS THAT WHY HE WENT SO APESHIT ON DEMETRI#BC THE REAL DEMETRI DIDN'T MATCH THE MEAN ONE IN HIS HEAD#AND HE COULDN'T CONCEPTUALIZE A DEMETRI (OR ANYONE)#WHO LOVED HIM (AND SPECIFICALLY HIS OLD LOSER SELF) UNCONDITIONALLY#ow stop it hurteth#tbhhhh having the Demetri in his brain be a mean asshole who secretly hated Eli all along#is probably what let Eli stave off his guilt for so long#“he deserved it cuz he never cared about me anyways >:( ”#(except he did and he still does)#eli moskowitz#hawk#demetri alexopoulos#demetri cobra kai#elimetri
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he said he would stop bothering us since I apologized then like days after he goes on an alt and bothers, or what happened a week ago or so I HATE HIM HFHBBNNJhhrvrvrhhrrrjjjjjjj
#don't let them see this!#i feel very hypocrite because i'm bad and disgusting and i shouldn't like#i shouldn't be mad at him for that because we're. so very alike.#and i hate that he influenced me and i influenced him and everytime i think of him i feel awful and dirty and bad#i feel like im the bad person and he was right#he hurt himself because of me and i feel. awful for it.#i want him to get better but he terrifies me still#i dont want him to hurt me because i know he could#and then theres the fact that i know it's my fault any of this happened or#just being. very disgusting about it all because fear responses#i hate how i know we both care about eachother in very different weird ways i#i am still very grossed out by some of his messages it makes me feel so ill whenever i read stuff from him#and i hate how hes right about so much and he only is because hes projecting#and because we're alike its judt#ashhghhhgj#i really fucking hate jude#scout speaks#i cant even say he ruined me regardless of how i feel because i was probably always like this#i wish i was a jellyfish#twins in paradise music has been very comforting and today has been very guilty and awful#guilty / shameful ?#why do i linger on this stuff why do i feel so scared hes going to get me why do i??? pluh..#its best not to linger on this qnd i do anyway because i think I'll be safer if i do and all it does is make me feel bad#the actual worst thing is thinking anyone i get close to is him or friends with him and secretly trying to get info on me or hurt me and!!#agh
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