#just sucks and I miss them and idk I wish ppl had said earlier or I had decided to go

[flightlesskiwi]

Feeling very ‘I miss my friends’ in this chilli’s tonight

[puppy-phum]

pingxie thoughts (and prayers) pt. 1

i’m trying to make a series of my random thoughts on ultimate note pingxie (i might go to other versions too but who knows when). idk if this fandom really needs my two cents but here yall go either way. at least i get my screams out of my chest. (apologizing if my english breaks bc of my feels, this really isn’t my first language) 

The Jacket Scene 

This is about the scene where Xiaoge, Pangzi and Panzi discover Wu Laosi’s body with Wu Xie’s coat covering it and what happens before, during and after that scene. I had some thoughts on how this one moment connects the things that happened in the previous episodes, and what Pingxie seems like after this very small but significant ordeal. (placing under cut bc this is long. with some pics!)

The thing is, with this whole drama, that we’ve rarely seen the worried side of Xiaoge before this. We have seen him coming in and sweeping Wu Xie off of his feet and rescuing him from whatever situation the boy has put himself into but we rarely see his worry. And throughout Ultimate Note, we finally see a lot of that. (this post by @jockvillagersonly​ already talks about the snake egg scene and all the worry so I guess I don’t have to get into detail here.) But, ever since the beginning of this, ever since Xiaoge once again sweeps Wu Xie right off of his feet (figuratively) in Golmud Sanatorium, he shows a lot of concern towards Wu Xie. Though he gets it out in varying ways but. Let’s not blame him for that, shall we? 

First of all, he doesn’t want to rope Wu Xie into coming with them on this journey; he very blatantly wishes Wu Xie to turn back and leave. It sounds a bit rude and Wu Xie reads very wrongly into it. It’s just that Xiaoge doesn’t want Wu Xie to get hurt on yet another journey. He just wants Wu Xie to be safe and where does that lead him? Into worrying.

So, what gives us this jacket scene in the end is that even if Xiaoge holds very tightly onto his feelings and doesn’t talk about them or, god forbid, show them (especially to Wu Xie if they’re related to him), other ppl are still very much aware (e.g. Hei Xiazi, A-Ning and Pangzi). Example: When A-Ning talks with Wu Xie about him joining this expedition, she states that she doesn’t care about Wu Xie’s life but Xiaoge does (which,,, Wu Xie looks flabbergasted. Poor soul). She sees what Wu Xie, unfortunately and infuriatingly, does not. He understands Xiaoge’s silent and somehow reluctant care. 

All of this then means that when Wu Xie’s team goes missing as they explore the shipwreck (or they just can’t contact ppl with their radios anymore bc of reasons), Xiaoge is absolutely losing his shit. He is already doing this before that (cue the scene with Hei Xiazi a lot earlier, in the pic above) but this is his last straw. He flees the camp to go look for Wu Xie, all his deals be damned. He might look cool and composed while doing this but his eyes are very telling. He is losing his fucking mind and no normal guy stands in his way (Wu Laosi being the one in his way is somehow so ironic in the light of what’s about to happen).

Then Pangzi and Panzi walk in, taking Xiaoge with them. And I find it so very amazing that Pangzi is able to see right through Xiaoge. But this knowledge is comfortable, caring. Pangzi might speak about Xiaoge’s worry in a teasing way but it’s how he goes at these things. And with Pangzi, Xiaoge can show his worry (even if he’s being emo about it and sucks it in like the cool guy he is bc… idk my dudes, maybe for the same reason he doesn’t even look at Wu Xie when he gives him that compass in the desert, boy has problems ok). He’s safe with Pangzi who doesn’t force Xiaoge into admitting his feelings but shows him how ridiculous he’s being bc of course they can worry about Wu Xie. They’re all worried about Wu Xie.

Then, after all the wandering in Devil’s City, they finally get to the shipwreck and there’s a camp but! Surprise! It’s full of corpses. Killed by corpse bugs. And then we see Wu Laosi (A-Ning’s right-hand man? I think?) wearing Wu Xie’s jacket. Xiaoge spots the jacket like a blood hound, drawn to it in an instant. And we as viewers know that it’s not Wu Xie laying there, that he’s long gone and having a not-so-fun adventure through the Devil’s City with A-Ning, but our guys do not. Xiaoge does not. We can see how his face freezes as he notices the body and then goes to look at it. He doesn’t even touch it, he just stares. Pangzi has to pull the jacket off of the body bc Xiaoge is too shocked to move.

And maybe he does know that it’s not Wu Xie (like he lets Pangzi think later bc he’s Cool and Collected) bc he’s just so accustomed to that body but. For a second he really does believe. And if we think about him earlier, when he was saving Wu Xie from the desert, his first words for Wu Xie who regains his consciousness were, “Sorry, I was late.” Bc he wasn’t there early enough to prevent Wu Xie from collapsing and being in pain. He wasn’t there early enough to keep Wu Xie from harm. And at this moment here, Xiaoge comes to remember that perhaps, comes to think about how he might actually be late one day. He thinks about it so intensely and it makes him so frustrated that he just furiously slices that stray corpse bug into half with his sword (even if it has no point when Pangzi and Panzi already have their knives out and ready to go). He’s just so mad about the thought of someone or something harming Wu Xie and him not being there to prevent it that Xiaoge, our Poker Face, has a temper tantrum. What a day this has been for him. Might consider other emotions after a couple more years, it’s becoming exhausting and I feel him on that. 

But then this just leads us to the overwhelming protectiveness we see during their journey in the jungle before they get to the Heavenly Queen Mother’s Palace (and Xiaoge goes to the jade meteorite and forgets everything but let’s stay in this happy-ish place still). We see him attending to every tiny movement of Wu Xie. He’s there to steady Wu Xie when he stumbles, he’s there to keep branches off of his face, helps him to cut down damn vines. There’s that egg removal scene with overwhelming fear. There’s the snake repelling mud and them sleeping in that tent. There’s Xiaoge catching Wu Xie from mid air more than once. He just... pours over, in a sense. Suddenly, he’s come to face the mortality of this boy he travels with and he’s painfully aware that he is the reason why Wu Xie is there in the first place. Wu Xie even states it himself when he’s yelling at Pangzi about lying to him when he said he was going to Beijing. Wu Xie says he’s the only one who’s in Devil’s City and on this journey just for his own accord (and at this moment, Xiaoge knows it also means he’s the reason bc Wu Xie has promised him things). 

It’s a horrible thing to know for Xiaoge. And I think this jacket scene just brings out all of that, reminds Xiaoge of why he didn’t want Wu Xie here in the first place but had to accept his involvement still. Reminds him of what he can still try to prevent as he was given this chance. Wu Xie really becomes his first priority here, and it shows up even starker in the way he puts Wu Xie’s survival over his own mission while working with Chen Wenjin. He outright refuses to do things before Wu Xie is safe. He somehow accepts, silently determined as he is, that there’s no other option for him anymore. He’s stuck with Wu Xie as strongly as Wu Xie has stated that he’s stuck with him. And sometimes I just wonder how many times Xiaoge must’ve seen nightmares of Wu Xie dying, especially after the scare this one simple jacket gave him. How many times he blamed himself for those. How many more times he wanted to apologize for being late (bc maybe one day he would have to tell that to Wu Xie’s corpse).   

[golbrocklovely]

You guys are giving Sam and Colby $240 a year for this website and it doesn’t even run properly? How is this even possible? You’d figure they would do anything and everything in their power to make sure it ran smoothly. Not to mention they said they were getting rid of the youtube membership but after fans told them they no longer had access to it, instead of moving the content there over to xplr club they made it so you can still sign up for the membership there and thats another $60 a year!!

Ive heard they go days without posting, Colby will post the same stuff multiple times, and Sam shares it on his snap either way. Not to mention people share whole videos from that website on twitter and nothing gets done. Why is no one talking about how wrong this is. It cant be just their management when it has their name on it. Then they throw merch out, call it exclusive and re-release it again only with a few graphics removed. How was Colbys Always tired sold out and immediately available for re-release about 2 months later? Thats impossible. I know they seem nice and are some of y’all’s comfort people but same way y’all are talking about the poor graphics on the merch, talk about this. This is a scam!!

the thing is, all the previous asks about the xplrclub haven't happened to me, minus the website/app being glitchy during livestreams.

i've never been charged twice or more and have never had to deal with their customer service. nonetheless, i agree that they 1000% need to fix their site and app before it gets worse or they get sued. i highly recommend yall start emailing their business emails, and dming them like crazy. maybe get other ppl involved that have also been overcharged and what not.

and as for the youtube membership, while i would love for them to move the content over to the site, i think a lot of fans would be upset bc then they wouldn't be able to access it anymore and would then have to pay for xplrclub.

also i'm totally not gonna tell you guys that if you do have the membership still to just… download the videos and save them for yourself and then get rid of the membership so you don't have to pay for it. i wouldn't recommend that at all…..

there was a period of time when they were editing season one that they were taking 3-5 days to post something. to my recollection, colby hasn't posted anything twice and if sam is sharing stuff on his snap, i wouldn't know since i rarely check snap anymore.

and the ppl that share the stuff from xplrclub, that's gonna happen regardless sadly. it happened with the membership too.

the merch stuff…. yeah, idk. part of me want to also blame fanjoy for that bs bc they would know if a design has been repeat/reused, along with snc. i think to some degree with the merch, they are running out of ideas which is why some designs are getting repeated or switched around slightly. it doesn't make it right, but it might explain it.

also fanjoy is money hungry so i borderline expect nothing less.

….this situation is shitty, to say the very least. i wish i could help yall get your money back or talk to snc about it. this is why i don't really recommend xplrclub to ppl as much as i would have earlier. while it is fun, shit like this happens. and it is expensive. same thing goes with merch.

at the end of the day, you don't have to buy any of this extra shit to be a fan of snc. if you feel left out, there is probably someone out there that would gladly tell you the information you're missing out on (and/or would outright share it with you). while i don't want ppl sharing the stuff from xplrclub, i can't control what other ppl do.

yeah… idk. i wish i could do more to help yall. it sucks and i also feel like i don't know what to say either :(

[stillwooozy]

tw rape ig but no one reads this diary blog

But does anyone else.... FORGET they were raped? Like not repressed trauma/memories (i... really dont believe that to say the least.....) but just..... i push it so far away that something ovious needs to push the knowledge forward

ive been in some shitty sitautions jfc. the only reason i can type this rn is cuz im numb cuz if drugs

Anyways i was raped twice and almost raped once. well once i dont remmeber cuz i was drugged but ik i was raped. and like ... it sucks man. It really does. i acknowledge those experiences probably fucked me up more than i give them credit. A part of me does blme myself tho, which ofc isnt “right” but i cant help it. I put myself into dangerous situations knowing the full possibilties. I liked the thrill. It added excitement and made me feel imporant when i felt if everyone hated me

Like no one knows. I feel like no one understands. My choices led to my experiences, and its just humiliating. Idk why im thinking of this now

No i know. Its cuz im hypersexual and asexual at the same time. And i have no more close friends. Im lonely. And i cant keep relationships.

I feel like my experience/life is normal. And the sad part is i think it is.

I hold 0 spite towards # me-too to clarify. I dont even want ppl to address men rape cuz gay men are villianized like taht. Countless times gay men, gay fucking boys, are “canceled” for bullshit they never did cuz straight ppl are so afraid of gay guys. But its not being gay that is the problem. Its just so many men. Its a society taht treats mentally ill like trash& has a toddlers understanding of consent. Cuz to truly value consent... u have to go against a lot of the status quo

Im just angry at my younger self. Why did i purposefully put myself in danger? I know why. Its just gonna hurt for a while. Been years now .

No.. it doesnt hurt it just negatively impacts me.

And i cant fcking speak about

Or tecnically i can but come on. I am surrounded by emough shame and humilitation around me. Im mentally fucked and king of bad decisions. Even therapists get weirded out. Even good ones. Not weirded out, just.... unable to address it.

I can understand genocide more than rape. Like actual rape. Like i was held at knife point. Wish i was making up some fun story. Who tf gets pleasure from that?????? Just sign up on fetlife and find a partner and roleplay. U dont need to ruin a 16 yr old boy and take away his dignity. I hate it. There are si many other power games to play???

I like.. just push the mmeory away. I walk by the gay bar where i happened in the bathroom for the first time and i barely flinch. I pretend it was a dream ya know, like hahah so pathetic of me. Having my drink spiked was better. it was just so horrible waking up the next day in a strange apartment and the man was like... nonchallent. He didnt say ANYTGHING and it delt like i was in a horror movie cuz he coukd if killed me, he could of done snuthing, i hate jo idea what haooened ro my body and i just left. Snd somethimes i think i see him but ik its not i just can barely remmeber his face and who the FUCK does that ????? But mayeb i flirted too kuch: but why did he do that? I orobably wouldnof rucked him if he just asked. Idk. The last time i was like 17 Or 18? Idk actually i dont think younger but not odler thna 19, but i actually fought back and then just fcking ran. He had a knife tho and now i had one too and thats the moral why i alwYs have a swiss army knife in my backoack.

Its jdut fucked io, right? I mean ppl have it worse. I couldnt imagine getting abused or raped by like.... ur uncle as a CHILD. Idk.

Im sad rn. How can i be sad on so many happy pills? For some reason i feel extra disgusting cuz its been so long since anyone could use me. I dont like being used and at this point i am DONE with sex i just like attention. And letting someone fuck me is great attenrion. And man, fuck fetish jate, i love ppl w:l/ fetishes becasue its way more rhan shoving their musty dick in me. I dont have a foot fetish in the slightest - but u wany to massga emy feet and suck my toes? Go to town boy

I miss my ex. We didnt talk about this much hut thats my oroblem. She had no sinilar experience but she is very emoathetic and i trust her. Like she didnt make me feel weak or pathetic when i disclosed it ya know. I just said “i have had some unconseual sex experiences and they rly never come into play but i’ll lyk if they do” and shes was just like “omg lets talk about it when ur ready, no pressure, idk why u didnt tell me earlier but im so sorry” and it made me nut just feeling ~validated~ like that.

Well im gling to sleep. Enjoy ky tangenr. I cant type jfc thays a bad sign but hey!!!! If i dont remember writinh this, it will still exist, and i can read it weeks later and go “damn. I rly was numb yhay night if i was able to so chillly talk about some of the worst events if my life”

[whyshanti]

twenty nineteen. periodt.

i genuinely felt the need to write this because i was bored i have not written anything in a really long time. but mostly because there’s only a few who might read this and not care afterwards. it sucks to not be able to do something that i used to enjoy for quite a while. but here i am!

a lot of thoughts to unburden and a lot of unspoken feelings to unpack. let’s get to it, bih.

1. this year felt like it was dragging on. i wanted it to end asap.

so this year, i actually had A LOT of time. where did it go? 

to: movies, series, anime, music, watching youtube videos, breakdowns, feeling stuck & paralyzed,  academics, reading articles about pop culture & mainstream shit, going out with friends, chatting random ppl at night bc i thought i could trust them (and some of them, i can), and etc.

but on a more serious note, i really was more into the world of media, of both mainstream and indie worlds. i still can’t believe i got through this semester when i have been doing these things unrelated to uni. some ppl are also baffled by this activity log that i have. 

point is: i felt like a walking zombie. probably looked like one as well. there is this routine that i have to do and i got really sick of myself. i didn’t have the motivation to strive more. i was always either sleeping (at least for the first half of the year) or watching. it all feels lifeless. the latter part of the year, my body clock was wrecked. i did not like the weather during daytime. at all. i slept during the day when i did not have classes then i was awake at night. but i try to get as much sleep as i can because my health is declining. i think.

also this year felt like it had 3 sequels. unnecessary, boring, full-of-jump-scares type of sequels. fuck.

2. feeling anxious and chill at the same time.

the only thing that made me feel chill at the latter part of the year is the fact that this shit... like all these shitty things we’ve been doing... will pass anyway. 

i don’t know if it’s because of the new system that was implemented but it definitely feels like the stress levels were high only during exam weeks. for real. i am grateful to have THAT kind of “stress privilege (??)” but i also wish i was stressing over something that gives me LIFE. i know i’m studying for something that will actually help me provide something for myself and for my family but my soul (oh crap here’s where things get cheesy) screams i should do something else. 

my friend always tells me to chill but i couldn’t because there’s always that nagging thought that i have to do something productive everyday. i think it stems from past disappointments, failed expectations from ppl close to me, and just basically feeling like a failure. i’m a frantic mess who somehow has the time to do unnecessary things. wish the energy was put into finishing acads on time or earlier, but here we are. think they meant that i should be chill with mysef. to be kind to myself. to not panic and breathe.

another thing is that there’s a load of information shoved in my head that really paralyzes me to act on something.

3. leaving behind the things i’ve outgrown.

it’s so funny how i’ve met few new people this year who i already treasure only to have quite a number of people to walk out of my life.

it’s not really surprising to me. i think we all wanted it to happen anyway. i’m just happy that things kind of subtly fell apart for things to make more sense. the feeling is kind of like how a misplaced puzzle piece is put into its rightful place. finally, i don’t have to force myself and i think the feelings are mutual. anyway, this year was a revelation in itself despite how dragging the pacing felt. love how the gunk went out and i see now what i’ve been blind to. chuck the deuce! definitely a thank u, next moment.

4. meeting new people, unexpected unions.

i definitely did not expect to form connections and be reunited with some of my old friends this year. also witnessed deepened friendships. 

there’s always this thing where i put my energy on a high level when i’m meeting new people just to seem decent and happy then slowly revealing how tired, sad, and boring i can be. then there’s that fear of losing people’s interest in me or people not becoming excited to talk to me about... anything really. never thought i’d have this fear of losing certain people in my life. i want to detach myself from that and from people themselves too (in a healthy way ofc). 

i’ve never ever felt like i could lose people in an instant. there’s that thing where i worry if i’m too much or i’m lacking for people. so i appreciate people who let me know if i’m crossing the line or if i’m doing something that completely annoys them because i really want to be part of people’s lives, meaningfully and genuinely. a good one. i don’t want to half-ass my relationships with other people and i seek loving relationships that thrive and inspire where it doesn’t only get good at the start but is continually progressing even when we don’t see each other often. it’s fascinating how as we get older, we see how relationships are not as simple as we think they are but really are simple at the same time. we have different goals, we are at different stages in our lives, we are facing shit that nobody else seems to understand and things that don’t seem to end, and we can only hope that our mere presence and emotionally available hearts will listen to whatever the other person has to unburden. 

to somehow let them know that they don’t need permission to rest and to do things that they are afraid of pursuing. 

4a. discovering new artists.

AURORA: the most underrated artist for sure. watched every interview/video/set because she is that bitch. her SONGS, man. i swear. she is that ethereal fairy from the forest. her fucking voice just draws me in. she deserved a better role in frozen 2 tho. she needs to be a lead in a musical animated movie. idc idc i said what i said.

beabadoobee: fucking rockstar, reviving the 90s grunge music and looks.

Billie Eilish: a badass. hate how she still stans bieber tho. 

5. daydreaming of a new life.

you don’t know how many times i’ve been dreaming to have a big house. 

it’s time. we really need a new house. i’m not, as what the kids say, vibing with this old house anymore. this is what i wish to leave behind as soon as possible. how do i even get the MONEY to afford it? i’m just hoping for a miracle to happen, you know. i really wish my family gets to be in a better home soon.

i think if u know me, u might have caught me spacing out a few times. 

idk why this always happens. it’s so rude to the person speaking to me but my mind literally drifts off to another planet. it’s not that they’re boring. i just can’t help it. i feel like shit thinking about how many times it has happened to me. 

sometimes, i dream of being this whole new different person. 

someone who is better than who i am. someone who is good at something and is passionate about the things she does. there are a lot of things i am interested in doing but i don’t have the courage to actually do it. idk why i always turn into a statue when i think of things that i wanna do.

6. God.

it’s been a long time. i have lost contact with You but You are always there to patch things up for me. every effin’ time. i cry everytime.

it must be because i was raised in a christian setting. that’s why i always think it’s You who’s working behind the scenes. but still i am grateful.

saved me from certain people.

saved me this semester.

saved me from pulling worthless all-nighters.

provided me financially esp when i thought i had nothing.

prevented a severe acid reflux situation.

gave me new friends.

did literally so many things that saved me from bad situations and people in general like WHO DOES THAT??

7. a life without a plan.

this is literally what i wanted to happen. not carelessly but like where i don’t have to worry about what to do next. just let things be and go with the flow. the first half of this year, i really did not think things through as i normally would and i let plans fall just to enjoy what was in front of me. be at ease and be present during that time. and i did. it was a peaceful, cheery time tbh.

8. every day i wanted to start over just to get over a lot of things.

9. i missed a lot of ppl.

10. i wanted to be held. not by a certain someone. not romantically. but by anyone close to me. *plays i’m with you by avril lavigne*

sometimes we all just need a long hug. that’s all. and it’d be nice to hear more stories from people. :)

11. not everybody will reciprocate the same energy that i send out to them and it’s okay.

this bummed me out. felt like an effin’ loser but i’ve learned that people have businesses to do. life doesn’t always happen the way we want it to.

12. this the final year of college. just finish it already, dumbass. 

13. why can’t i just be kathryn bernardo or AURORA for like a month or a year? i promise i will not ruin their careers lmao.

14. i want to make major changes in my stupid life but money is an issue.

15. the stars are below the sky now.

the state of the environment is the same as of our minds. polluted and overloaded with gibberish to the point that we get scared of doing one thing at a time and where we also don’t throw away the unnecessary baggage/s. 

we’re so intent on doing things all at the same time. finishing everything in one sitting. being productive became an addiction and it scared me how i was becoming affected by this. there’s this constant thought that we collectively share which is to do something by every day and it only adds up to people’s anxiety and depression. social media definitely made us aware of mental illnesses/disorders but then it became a trend. people self-diagnose themselves and end up with the wrong treatment. some people use it as a tool to get followers and... ugh it’s all a mess. i hope people get the right treatment/s AND/or professional help because if they don’t, they’ll lose themselves. i mean... just look at the sky. there’s literally no sign of a star now if u live in the city. we’ve lost sight of what should guide us. we are unconsciously following a false light thru our devices. 

i’m not good at analogies or at explaining things as u can tell. but moving on...

this hyper self-awareness that i have gained from social media has its advantages but is also distracting me from living my best life. i didn’t realize that i was making my own christmas lights inside my seemingly dark mind when really... it’s just clouded by all this information that’s coming in fast and has affected who i am and certain areas of my life. i’ve almost forgotten this and i’ve come to believe again that there’s always an ever-present light and it will take time to get used to its brightness once my mind gets clearer by the day. hopefully, it will.

anyway, CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE NEED TO SAVE EARTH. 

16. men are trash. 

17. the people who i should avoid always looks odd or unpleasant and has bad energy. i know shit when i sense one. 

18. i’m not happy with my life and with who i am but i’ll work with what i’ve got.

life gives u a mirror and shits on your face. sheesh.

for some reason, i can’t forget what my adviser told me during my 4th year of high school. she told me “it seems like you’re a person full of regrets” and every time i have a cryfest, i think of that. idk why. (never underestimate the power of a few words, folks). you know how like in flow charts, u encounter decision points? the diamond shapes? i think i always decide no and end up with the worst consequence and then there’s no more starting over. 

i don’t think i understand flow charts well. ugh. 

i can’t come up with a cool transition to me having insecurities so let’s say i did!

some people’s beauty, inspiring. but others just make you feel like shit.

i really want to explore my feminine side more because i was more masculine when i was younger. i’m not gentle, i’m a bit aggressive. and it just doesn’t fit with who i want to be. idk why. and also, it’s fun (!!!). you get a taste of what it’s like and it’s so EMPOWERING at least for the short experience that i had. but can make me feel very conscious of my entire being and i just end up wearing cartoony disguises. ironic but BABY STEPS. when i think about it, there’s really no black or white answer whether this or that is feminine or masculine.  

self-love is not a 5-step process. 

it is continuous improvement of oneself to the point where you don’t give a fuck about what they say. i really envy the ones who are comfortable in their own skin, who are totally embracing their flaws. they just bloom. some people just look like them. like it’s SO THEM. unmistakably them. and i think if everyone had that, we would not have standards anymore.

oh, to live in a time where individuality is encouraged but is also discouraged when not lived up to its standards. hurray.

19. this year was the year of mindless decisions. periodt.

20. hoping that the new year, 2020, will be the year of CLARITY where i know who i really am, embracing it, and where i will not be taking anymore of anyone’s bullshit. where i know where i stand in my relationships with other people and vice versa. there will be intentional but meaningful endings that will pave the way for blossoming beginnings. 

let’s hope it unfolds the way it should be. for the better.

bonus: nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. everyone’s just going with the flow. be yourself.

note: this is a compilation of thoughts, informally. thank u.

[holidayisland-blog]

This section is for the jury!  

BODHI

Dom: king of jury!! We talked a little bit towards the start of the game but lost that very early on. You're really fun to talk to. Keep in touch! :)

Elijah: king!!! im super sorry about your eviction i did keep you twice while you were up on the block and i had nothing to do with your eviction whatsoever!!! although you nehe and akio were all close while both you and akito were still in the game!! (shoutout to nehe for keeping yalls legacy going whew!!) Overall i do in fact love playing orgs with you as well and hope you can understand that due to ugly circumstances you were brutally evicted after already being on the block the previous week if im correct. Youre super iconic and hope you know that i am a stan!

Elsa: Booodhii!!! One of my favourite people to talk to in this game. You were one of my closest allies at the start of the game. It really sucks that you were pulled into the whole Owen targeting Akito’s alliance mess, and I feel like we could have gone really far together if you’d survived that. Much love ♥♥

Nehemiah: Dude Idk why everyone is so scared of you or just don't like you like mand you are similar on so many levels. I mean i kept getting targeted this season for trying to save you so yeah.

AKITO

Dom: king of comps!! You were such a big threat at the start of the game so I had to make sure you left. You're such a sweet person to talk to and I'm sorry we weren't closer.

Elijah: oh akito, i am super sorry to admit this but i had plenty to do woth your eviction the first time. I managed to campaign to others and manipulated individuals in this game to make sure you walked out that door that first week. Overall i wanted us to stick together throughout this game bc you were a strong competitor and needed you on my side, but as soon as i saw how much of a comp threat you were i had to get rid of you asap. Then my opportunity arrived when you were on the block against Bodhi and you left by a slim 1 vote more than Bodhi had. I knew yall were close (sorry to assumt lol) and i knew bodhi and i had played together in a recent org which i cannot remember lolz. Akito you wete the strongest out of all of us and you showed that the first few weeks of the game by winning 2 out of the 3 HOHs in the beginning weeks! if you were here in my spot there would be no doubt that youd be winning this game by a landslide and im glad i prevented what could have been one of the biggest threats GleeBB/survivor has ever seen! i hope you can understand that this was nothing but a game move for myself and under these circumstances i understand if you do not vote for me in the finals for having a major impact on your eviction but i hope you can see it from a game perspective and know that you are truly an amazing player!

Elsa: Akito LOL. Contrary to what most people thought, I didn’t really have a grudge against you after you nominated me two times. We hadn’t really talked before then, and you were right, I wasn’t as active as I could have been in the house chat. That being said, it really did suck!!! Lol. I’m still thankful that you came and talked to me afterwards though, and I felt that your apology and desire to work with me after all that was genuine, at least I hope it was. Like with Bodhi, I’m sorry you were targeted for being a comp threat and not allying the right people. I think you’re a great person to play with, and I hope, despite everything that happened in this game, we can play together again!! Xxx だいじょうぶです。

Nehemiah:  I also have been targeted a lot for also trying to save your ass akito. You were something else but you made the game one hundo percent fun

IAN

Dom:  I really don't remember having a strong connection to you in the game. You were the king of POV competitions tho!! 

Elijah: Hi Ian! So throughout this game while you were here i understand that we may not have been close so per say but keeping you around for as long as i did helped me advance myself further in the game than i thought i would get. You were good to keep in my back pocket in case i ever needed a vote or something along the lines of that. From my point of view, you were a sly and very smart player when you were in the house. You managed to get yourself off the block by winning comps but also you were very under the radar. I never once thought about coming after you, and i dont think anyone else was either due to you hiding in the shadows until you had to save yourself (which i believe is a very smart move and very respectable gameplay as well). I did keep you when you were up against Nehe and he knows that bc i throughly planned on maintaining an honest as possible game and have been honest whenever someone asked me anything! i hope you see that your eviction was just a flip of unfortunate circumstances! hope all is well with you <3

Elsa: Ian!! Lol. Block buddies. I remember you winning POV one week that I was nommed, and then not using it on me. Tragic!! Hehe, but you had your reasons for doing so. Uhh, you were another person I wanted to work with because I felt we were the underdogs in the game. Sadly, things didn’t really pan out the way I wish they could have, and I ended up forging closer alliances with different people in the game. Either way, it was fun playing together, and I hope you’re doing well xx

Nehemiah: It was me or you and I'm glad I stayed but you definitely were nice to talk to when we did talk

ALEX

Dom: We had a couple of interactions throughout the game. I thought you were very sweet and easy to talk to. Sorry that we didn't click more in the game :(

Elijah: Alex i miss you so much!! you have no idea how much it pains me to see you sitting in that jury house icon.. you and i became somewhat allies i believe in the pre jury phase of the game or the begin of it (sorry i cant remember lol) and i never wanted you to leave this house :( i think i was the only vote to keep you when you were evicted if im not mistaken? i really hope you are doing well outside of the game and just know that your eviction was not a surprise bc everyone told me they were evicting you but i refused to go back on my word about keeping my ally safe! love love hun <3

Elsa: Hi Alex! I think we talked a few times, but you weren’t as active around the week you got evicted/eliminated. It’s definitely a shame, but hopefully if we play together in a future game, things could be different.

Nehemiah:  I wished we talked a bit more honestly but rumor has it you were in Nehe's rejects so yeah idt you like me.

OWEN

Dom: My number one ally in the game. Coming into this game after Redemption, I knew that we would be two HUGE power players throughout the majority of the game. I immediately wanted to work with you. You're such a good player and I am so sorry you left on my HOH. I feel so guilty. I hope I'm doing you proud YOU'RE SO AMAZING!!

Elijah: owen!!! im super sorry about your eviction. Although we were never close in the duration of this game, we had that iconic alliance called “Nehemiahs Rejects” whenever Akito/Nehe(Bodhi??? maybe???) was after daniel and you. You were such a loveable player and thats why i feel like i had to get votes to evict you. If you didnt leave the week you did, im pretty sure youd stand an amazing chance at taking the win this game. Week after week went by and i wanted you to leave earlier than you did but i also managed to get ppl to keep you around longer due to you also being somewhat of a shield for me. Whenever ppl wanted to target you i said otherwise for a few weeks bc i knew over time ppl would make sure my dirty work was taken care of when the time was right. You leaving that week set myself upto get to this point in the game. I flew under the radar , mainly everyones radar until last week when i was also voted out 2 tribal councils ago. I needed you to stay up until you did to ensure making it as far in the game as possible! i really hope you can see this as a game move and nothing personal whatsoever and i really hope all is well with you and yoir theatre stuff outside irl!! <3

Elsa: Owen!! It was really fun working together in the start, and I really am sorry that we couldn’t continue that working relationship towards the end. I do want to say that everything you told me the night you were evicted, I did listen to. I didn’t ignore what you said, and really did spend the night before thinking things through. Ultimately, I decided evicting you was in my best interest, but I’m really glad you made an effort to talk to me though. Hopefully we can play together again and maintain our alliance ♥

Nehemiah: Owen my #1 ride or die. I mean i'm sure you had other ride or dies but I kept trying to give you the benfit of the doubt for all the shady things you were doing behind my back. I do miss you tho. You are my org father with Trevor.

ROXY

Dom: ROXY!!!! QUEEN!!!!!! I'M SO SORRY! I thought we were both going to make it through that week. I adore you so much. You crack me up every time we talk. Keep being you <3

Elijah: a fallen queen.. you were one of the very few ppl in this game that i could truly say lasted longer than i thought you were going to. Week after week ,eviction after eviction, tribal council after tribal council i knew youd be one of the few i could take far in the game. I love everything about you and youre super sweet and caring, but keeping you around until the end just didnt feel too right in my eyes. Yes although i trusted you and knew your game moves bc you were open with me about them, that lead up to me knowing when you needed to be cut off. You asked me when you were on the block if i was going to keep you and i said most likely, and then i tried to send a heartfelt message about why i was keeping Nehe over you but it didnt send in time bc no internet that day! i just didnt want you to think that i was lying to you bc as previously stated i maintain a strong honest game whenevr it comes to this glee season. I hope you can understand that i tried keeping you safe as long as possible in this game but when you saved dom that one week i knew it was time to let you leave bc your loyalties lied with him over me on account of you saving him over yourself!!! i- was shook. I love you so much and hope youre doing amazing outside of the game!!! <3

Elsa: Roxy!! ♥ Hngh, I’m also sorry I evicted you. You were on the block against someone I couldn’t vote out, because they had worked with me more than you had. But anyway, thank you for being a source of joy and randomness in the tribe/house chat. It was a fab experience getting to play with you again after our last EM game, hehe. Love u lots xx

Nehemiah: Roxy I think this season we played together then In Bouvet island so I'm glad to have gotten to known you better as well as play with you.

DANIEL

Dom: Daniel!! You're such a good competitor in this game. I loved having to compete against you week after week after week... well you get it. I hope everything is going well with you!

Elijah: KING DANIEL!!!! it was super sad to see you go when you did.. you lasted so much longer than i expected due to various ppl targeting you so many times in this game. I kept you week after week you were nominated also using you as a shield for myself the duration you were in this game. You were a very close friend of mine and even a close ally but your true loyalties lied with Jenna as you two were a duo that had to be broken up no matter what anyone says. I only tried my hardest to get you out of the this game bc you were winning if you were in the finals and idc what anyone else says you are the true winner of this season of BB/Survivor Glee!!! i love you so much daniel and i know you can see it in a game perspective that you needed to be gone if anyone stood a chance of winning this game! i cant wait til i can travel the world one day and eventually go to Ireland and we can get drunkies! love love love you king hope youre doing awesome in jury  and outside of the house!!

Elsa: Daniel ): Yeah, I’m really sorry I had to eliminate you. Between you and Elijah, I had to think about the future of the game, and what my odds were getting to the end and winning if I kept you in. I really did love our alliance though, and I genuinely wish I thought there was a chance it could continue to exist AND not implode not long after. Ultimately, if I was on the block instead of you, I also wouldn’t have blamed you for eliminating me either. Anyway, it was fun playing with you and having a fellow partner living in UTC +0; hope you’re doing well!!! ♥

Nehemiah: Honestly Daniel you started off the game so irrelevant to me and when i started paying you attention i actually liked you till you came for my edges then i came for yours then we worked together. You are a true definition of iconic.

JENNA

Dom: Jenna oh my god we had a rollercoaster of a relationship in this game. I think you're such an iconic person. Your personality just lights up the room. I'm a shitty person to play with but I hope you understand. Love you <3

Elijah: mom!!! i love playing orgs with you even tho i know youre going to turn on me eventually rip! Since BBPokemonHoenn weve been friends and i really love you as a person but as a game player i knew you had to go and you stayed way longer than i had planned for. You won yourself back into the game and managed to get yourself further than your last placement so congrats!! As you came back into the game you were targetted back i managed to keep you safe various weeks whenever someone wanted to target you . I just really know deep inmy heart i wanted to keep you around bc you were funny and crackdt like JAWSH, but in a game point of view i kmew keeping you around wouldnt be good for my game personally. You are a strong player, strong competitor, and very smart and got yourself really fucking far in the game and im super proud to be able to call you my friend and somewhat? ally? in this game even tho i knew you were turning on me eventually and after i had gotten word that you were going to target me after daniel was gone was shookning and i didnt want you to stick around after that. i hope you can understand that i needed you gone bc i didnt want to risk my own game! love love love you mucho mamas and i cannot wait until we play another game together!! <3

Elsa: Jennaaaaaaaa ): Honestly. If I didn’t have to board a plane right after voting, I’d have probably convinced you to reconsider Dom having an idol. We should have been more careful…. And it really sucks that you had to be the casualty of us assuming he wouldn’t have one. It could have easily been me. Ahhhhhhhhhh. I miss you lots, the house chat is hella quiet without you. ♥♥♥

Nehemiah: Jenn bo bana I mean force to be reckon with. First game I played with you. Best game i played with you :p I know we didnt have amazing track record in this game but you made this season what it was.