#just sucks and I miss them and idk I wish ppl had said earlier or I had decided to go

[flightlesskiwi]

Feeling very ‘I miss my friends’ in this chilli’s tonight

[puppy-phum]

pingxie thoughts (and prayers) pt. 1

i’m trying to make a series of my random thoughts on ultimate note pingxie (i might go to other versions too but who knows when). idk if this fandom really needs my two cents but here yall go either way. at least i get my screams out of my chest. (apologizing if my english breaks bc of my feels, this really isn’t my first language) 

The Jacket Scene 

This is about the scene where Xiaoge, Pangzi and Panzi discover Wu Laosi’s body with Wu Xie’s coat covering it and what happens before, during and after that scene. I had some thoughts on how this one moment connects the things that happened in the previous episodes, and what Pingxie seems like after this very small but significant ordeal. (placing under cut bc this is long. with some pics!)

The thing is, with this whole drama, that we’ve rarely seen the worried side of Xiaoge before this. We have seen him coming in and sweeping Wu Xie off of his feet and rescuing him from whatever situation the boy has put himself into but we rarely see his worry. And throughout Ultimate Note, we finally see a lot of that. (this post by @jockvillagersonly​ already talks about the snake egg scene and all the worry so I guess I don’t have to get into detail here.) But, ever since the beginning of this, ever since Xiaoge once again sweeps Wu Xie right off of his feet (figuratively) in Golmud Sanatorium, he shows a lot of concern towards Wu Xie. Though he gets it out in varying ways but. Let’s not blame him for that, shall we? 

First of all, he doesn’t want to rope Wu Xie into coming with them on this journey; he very blatantly wishes Wu Xie to turn back and leave. It sounds a bit rude and Wu Xie reads very wrongly into it. It’s just that Xiaoge doesn’t want Wu Xie to get hurt on yet another journey. He just wants Wu Xie to be safe and where does that lead him? Into worrying.

So, what gives us this jacket scene in the end is that even if Xiaoge holds very tightly onto his feelings and doesn’t talk about them or, god forbid, show them (especially to Wu Xie if they’re related to him), other ppl are still very much aware (e.g. Hei Xiazi, A-Ning and Pangzi). Example: When A-Ning talks with Wu Xie about him joining this expedition, she states that she doesn’t care about Wu Xie’s life but Xiaoge does (which,,, Wu Xie looks flabbergasted. Poor soul). She sees what Wu Xie, unfortunately and infuriatingly, does not. He understands Xiaoge’s silent and somehow reluctant care. 

All of this then means that when Wu Xie’s team goes missing as they explore the shipwreck (or they just can’t contact ppl with their radios anymore bc of reasons), Xiaoge is absolutely losing his shit. He is already doing this before that (cue the scene with Hei Xiazi a lot earlier, in the pic above) but this is his last straw. He flees the camp to go look for Wu Xie, all his deals be damned. He might look cool and composed while doing this but his eyes are very telling. He is losing his fucking mind and no normal guy stands in his way (Wu Laosi being the one in his way is somehow so ironic in the light of what’s about to happen).

Then Pangzi and Panzi walk in, taking Xiaoge with them. And I find it so very amazing that Pangzi is able to see right through Xiaoge. But this knowledge is comfortable, caring. Pangzi might speak about Xiaoge’s worry in a teasing way but it’s how he goes at these things. And with Pangzi, Xiaoge can show his worry (even if he’s being emo about it and sucks it in like the cool guy he is bc… idk my dudes, maybe for the same reason he doesn’t even look at Wu Xie when he gives him that compass in the desert, boy has problems ok). He’s safe with Pangzi who doesn’t force Xiaoge into admitting his feelings but shows him how ridiculous he’s being bc of course they can worry about Wu Xie. They’re all worried about Wu Xie.

Then, after all the wandering in Devil’s City, they finally get to the shipwreck and there’s a camp but! Surprise! It’s full of corpses. Killed by corpse bugs. And then we see Wu Laosi (A-Ning’s right-hand man? I think?) wearing Wu Xie’s jacket. Xiaoge spots the jacket like a blood hound, drawn to it in an instant. And we as viewers know that it’s not Wu Xie laying there, that he’s long gone and having a not-so-fun adventure through the Devil’s City with A-Ning, but our guys do not. Xiaoge does not. We can see how his face freezes as he notices the body and then goes to look at it. He doesn’t even touch it, he just stares. Pangzi has to pull the jacket off of the body bc Xiaoge is too shocked to move.

And maybe he does know that it’s not Wu Xie (like he lets Pangzi think later bc he’s Cool and Collected) bc he’s just so accustomed to that body but. For a second he really does believe. And if we think about him earlier, when he was saving Wu Xie from the desert, his first words for Wu Xie who regains his consciousness were, “Sorry, I was late.” Bc he wasn’t there early enough to prevent Wu Xie from collapsing and being in pain. He wasn’t there early enough to keep Wu Xie from harm. And at this moment here, Xiaoge comes to remember that perhaps, comes to think about how he might actually be late one day. He thinks about it so intensely and it makes him so frustrated that he just furiously slices that stray corpse bug into half with his sword (even if it has no point when Pangzi and Panzi already have their knives out and ready to go). He’s just so mad about the thought of someone or something harming Wu Xie and him not being there to prevent it that Xiaoge, our Poker Face, has a temper tantrum. What a day this has been for him. Might consider other emotions after a couple more years, it’s becoming exhausting and I feel him on that. 

But then this just leads us to the overwhelming protectiveness we see during their journey in the jungle before they get to the Heavenly Queen Mother’s Palace (and Xiaoge goes to the jade meteorite and forgets everything but let’s stay in this happy-ish place still). We see him attending to every tiny movement of Wu Xie. He’s there to steady Wu Xie when he stumbles, he’s there to keep branches off of his face, helps him to cut down damn vines. There’s that egg removal scene with overwhelming fear. There’s the snake repelling mud and them sleeping in that tent. There’s Xiaoge catching Wu Xie from mid air more than once. He just... pours over, in a sense. Suddenly, he’s come to face the mortality of this boy he travels with and he’s painfully aware that he is the reason why Wu Xie is there in the first place. Wu Xie even states it himself when he’s yelling at Pangzi about lying to him when he said he was going to Beijing. Wu Xie says he’s the only one who’s in Devil’s City and on this journey just for his own accord (and at this moment, Xiaoge knows it also means he’s the reason bc Wu Xie has promised him things). 

It’s a horrible thing to know for Xiaoge. And I think this jacket scene just brings out all of that, reminds Xiaoge of why he didn’t want Wu Xie here in the first place but had to accept his involvement still. Reminds him of what he can still try to prevent as he was given this chance. Wu Xie really becomes his first priority here, and it shows up even starker in the way he puts Wu Xie’s survival over his own mission while working with Chen Wenjin. He outright refuses to do things before Wu Xie is safe. He somehow accepts, silently determined as he is, that there’s no other option for him anymore. He’s stuck with Wu Xie as strongly as Wu Xie has stated that he’s stuck with him. And sometimes I just wonder how many times Xiaoge must’ve seen nightmares of Wu Xie dying, especially after the scare this one simple jacket gave him. How many times he blamed himself for those. How many more times he wanted to apologize for being late (bc maybe one day he would have to tell that to Wu Xie’s corpse).   

[golbrocklovely]

You guys are giving Sam and Colby $240 a year for this website and it doesn’t even run properly? How is this even possible? You’d figure they would do anything and everything in their power to make sure it ran smoothly. Not to mention they said they were getting rid of the youtube membership but after fans told them they no longer had access to it, instead of moving the content there over to xplr club they made it so you can still sign up for the membership there and thats another $60 a year!!

Ive heard they go days without posting, Colby will post the same stuff multiple times, and Sam shares it on his snap either way. Not to mention people share whole videos from that website on twitter and nothing gets done. Why is no one talking about how wrong this is. It cant be just their management when it has their name on it. Then they throw merch out, call it exclusive and re-release it again only with a few graphics removed. How was Colbys Always tired sold out and immediately available for re-release about 2 months later? Thats impossible. I know they seem nice and are some of y’all’s comfort people but same way y’all are talking about the poor graphics on the merch, talk about this. This is a scam!!

the thing is, all the previous asks about the xplrclub haven't happened to me, minus the website/app being glitchy during livestreams.

i've never been charged twice or more and have never had to deal with their customer service. nonetheless, i agree that they 1000% need to fix their site and app before it gets worse or they get sued. i highly recommend yall start emailing their business emails, and dming them like crazy. maybe get other ppl involved that have also been overcharged and what not.

and as for the youtube membership, while i would love for them to move the content over to the site, i think a lot of fans would be upset bc then they wouldn't be able to access it anymore and would then have to pay for xplrclub.

also i'm totally not gonna tell you guys that if you do have the membership still to just… download the videos and save them for yourself and then get rid of the membership so you don't have to pay for it. i wouldn't recommend that at all…..

there was a period of time when they were editing season one that they were taking 3-5 days to post something. to my recollection, colby hasn't posted anything twice and if sam is sharing stuff on his snap, i wouldn't know since i rarely check snap anymore.

and the ppl that share the stuff from xplrclub, that's gonna happen regardless sadly. it happened with the membership too.

the merch stuff…. yeah, idk. part of me want to also blame fanjoy for that bs bc they would know if a design has been repeat/reused, along with snc. i think to some degree with the merch, they are running out of ideas which is why some designs are getting repeated or switched around slightly. it doesn't make it right, but it might explain it.

also fanjoy is money hungry so i borderline expect nothing less.

….this situation is shitty, to say the very least. i wish i could help yall get your money back or talk to snc about it. this is why i don't really recommend xplrclub to ppl as much as i would have earlier. while it is fun, shit like this happens. and it is expensive. same thing goes with merch.

at the end of the day, you don't have to buy any of this extra shit to be a fan of snc. if you feel left out, there is probably someone out there that would gladly tell you the information you're missing out on (and/or would outright share it with you). while i don't want ppl sharing the stuff from xplrclub, i can't control what other ppl do.

yeah… idk. i wish i could do more to help yall. it sucks and i also feel like i don't know what to say either :(

[stillwooozy]

tw rape ig but no one reads this diary blog

But does anyone else.... FORGET they were raped? Like not repressed trauma/memories (i... really dont believe that to say the least.....) but just..... i push it so far away that something ovious needs to push the knowledge forward

ive been in some shitty sitautions jfc. the only reason i can type this rn is cuz im numb cuz if drugs

Anyways i was raped twice and almost raped once. well once i dont remmeber cuz i was drugged but ik i was raped. and like ... it sucks man. It really does. i acknowledge those experiences probably fucked me up more than i give them credit. A part of me does blme myself tho, which ofc isnt “right” but i cant help it. I put myself into dangerous situations knowing the full possibilties. I liked the thrill. It added excitement and made me feel imporant when i felt if everyone hated me

Like no one knows. I feel like no one understands. My choices led to my experiences, and its just humiliating. Idk why im thinking of this now

No i know. Its cuz im hypersexual and asexual at the same time. And i have no more close friends. Im lonely. And i cant keep relationships.

I feel like my experience/life is normal. And the sad part is i think it is.

I hold 0 spite towards # me-too to clarify. I dont even want ppl to address men rape cuz gay men are villianized like taht. Countless times gay men, gay fucking boys, are “canceled” for bullshit they never did cuz straight ppl are so afraid of gay guys. But its not being gay that is the problem. Its just so many men. Its a society taht treats mentally ill like trash& has a toddlers understanding of consent. Cuz to truly value consent... u have to go against a lot of the status quo

Im just angry at my younger self. Why did i purposefully put myself in danger? I know why. Its just gonna hurt for a while. Been years now .

No.. it doesnt hurt it just negatively impacts me.

And i cant fcking speak about

Or tecnically i can but come on. I am surrounded by emough shame and humilitation around me. Im mentally fucked and king of bad decisions. Even therapists get weirded out. Even good ones. Not weirded out, just.... unable to address it.

I can understand genocide more than rape. Like actual rape. Like i was held at knife point. Wish i was making up some fun story. Who tf gets pleasure from that?????? Just sign up on fetlife and find a partner and roleplay. U dont need to ruin a 16 yr old boy and take away his dignity. I hate it. There are si many other power games to play???

I like.. just push the mmeory away. I walk by the gay bar where i happened in the bathroom for the first time and i barely flinch. I pretend it was a dream ya know, like hahah so pathetic of me. Having my drink spiked was better. it was just so horrible waking up the next day in a strange apartment and the man was like... nonchallent. He didnt say ANYTGHING and it delt like i was in a horror movie cuz he coukd if killed me, he could of done snuthing, i hate jo idea what haooened ro my body and i just left. Snd somethimes i think i see him but ik its not i just can barely remmeber his face and who the FUCK does that ????? But mayeb i flirted too kuch: but why did he do that? I orobably wouldnof rucked him if he just asked. Idk. The last time i was like 17 Or 18? Idk actually i dont think younger but not odler thna 19, but i actually fought back and then just fcking ran. He had a knife tho and now i had one too and thats the moral why i alwYs have a swiss army knife in my backoack.

Its jdut fucked io, right? I mean ppl have it worse. I couldnt imagine getting abused or raped by like.... ur uncle as a CHILD. Idk.

Im sad rn. How can i be sad on so many happy pills? For some reason i feel extra disgusting cuz its been so long since anyone could use me. I dont like being used and at this point i am DONE with sex i just like attention. And letting someone fuck me is great attenrion. And man, fuck fetish jate, i love ppl w:l/ fetishes becasue its way more rhan shoving their musty dick in me. I dont have a foot fetish in the slightest - but u wany to massga emy feet and suck my toes? Go to town boy

I miss my ex. We didnt talk about this much hut thats my oroblem. She had no sinilar experience but she is very emoathetic and i trust her. Like she didnt make me feel weak or pathetic when i disclosed it ya know. I just said “i have had some unconseual sex experiences and they rly never come into play but i’ll lyk if they do” and shes was just like “omg lets talk about it when ur ready, no pressure, idk why u didnt tell me earlier but im so sorry” and it made me nut just feeling ~validated~ like that.

Well im gling to sleep. Enjoy ky tangenr. I cant type jfc thays a bad sign but hey!!!! If i dont remember writinh this, it will still exist, and i can read it weeks later and go “damn. I rly was numb yhay night if i was able to so chillly talk about some of the worst events if my life”

[whyshanti]

twenty nineteen. periodt.

i genuinely felt the need to write this because i was bored i have not written anything in a really long time. but mostly because there’s only a few who might read this and not care afterwards. it sucks to not be able to do something that i used to enjoy for quite a while. but here i am!

a lot of thoughts to unburden and a lot of unspoken feelings to unpack. let’s get to it, bih.

1. this year felt like it was dragging on. i wanted it to end asap.

so this year, i actually had A LOT of time. where did it go? 

to: movies, series, anime, music, watching youtube videos, breakdowns, feeling stuck & paralyzed,  academics, reading articles about pop culture & mainstream shit, going out with friends, chatting random ppl at night bc i thought i could trust them (and some of them, i can), and etc.

but on a more serious note, i really was more into the world of media, of both mainstream and indie worlds. i still can’t believe i got through this semester when i have been doing these things unrelated to uni. some ppl are also baffled by this activity log that i have. 

point is: i felt like a walking zombie. probably looked like one as well. there is this routine that i have to do and i got really sick of myself. i didn’t have the motivation to strive more. i was always either sleeping (at least for the first half of the year) or watching. it all feels lifeless. the latter part of the year, my body clock was wrecked. i did not like the weather during daytime. at all. i slept during the day when i did not have classes then i was awake at night. but i try to get as much sleep as i can because my health is declining. i think.

also this year felt like it had 3 sequels. unnecessary, boring, full-of-jump-scares type of sequels. fuck.

2. feeling anxious and chill at the same time.

the only thing that made me feel chill at the latter part of the year is the fact that this shit... like all these shitty things we’ve been doing... will pass anyway. 

i don’t know if it’s because of the new system that was implemented but it definitely feels like the stress levels were high only during exam weeks. for real. i am grateful to have THAT kind of “stress privilege (??)” but i also wish i was stressing over something that gives me LIFE. i know i’m studying for something that will actually help me provide something for myself and for my family but my soul (oh crap here’s where things get cheesy) screams i should do something else. 

my friend always tells me to chill but i couldn’t because there’s always that nagging thought that i have to do something productive everyday. i think it stems from past disappointments, failed expectations from ppl close to me, and just basically feeling like a failure. i’m a frantic mess who somehow has the time to do unnecessary things. wish the energy was put into finishing acads on time or earlier, but here we are. think they meant that i should be chill with mysef. to be kind to myself. to not panic and breathe.

another thing is that there’s a load of information shoved in my head that really paralyzes me to act on something.

3. leaving behind the things i’ve outgrown.

it’s so funny how i’ve met few new people this year who i already treasure only to have quite a number of people to walk out of my life.

it’s not really surprising to me. i think we all wanted it to happen anyway. i’m just happy that things kind of subtly fell apart for things to make more sense. the feeling is kind of like how a misplaced puzzle piece is put into its rightful place. finally, i don’t have to force myself and i think the feelings are mutual. anyway, this year was a revelation in itself despite how dragging the pacing felt. love how the gunk went out and i see now what i’ve been blind to. chuck the deuce! definitely a thank u, next moment.

4. meeting new people, unexpected unions.

i definitely did not expect to form connections and be reunited with some of my old friends this year. also witnessed deepened friendships. 

there’s always this thing where i put my energy on a high level when i’m meeting new people just to seem decent and happy then slowly revealing how tired, sad, and boring i can be. then there’s that fear of losing people’s interest in me or people not becoming excited to talk to me about... anything really. never thought i’d have this fear of losing certain people in my life. i want to detach myself from that and from people themselves too (in a healthy way ofc). 

i’ve never ever felt like i could lose people in an instant. there’s that thing where i worry if i’m too much or i’m lacking for people. so i appreciate people who let me know if i’m crossing the line or if i’m doing something that completely annoys them because i really want to be part of people’s lives, meaningfully and genuinely. a good one. i don’t want to half-ass my relationships with other people and i seek loving relationships that thrive and inspire where it doesn’t only get good at the start but is continually progressing even when we don’t see each other often. it’s fascinating how as we get older, we see how relationships are not as simple as we think they are but really are simple at the same time. we have different goals, we are at different stages in our lives, we are facing shit that nobody else seems to understand and things that don’t seem to end, and we can only hope that our mere presence and emotionally available hearts will listen to whatever the other person has to unburden. 

to somehow let them know that they don’t need permission to rest and to do things that they are afraid of pursuing. 

4a. discovering new artists.

AURORA: the most underrated artist for sure. watched every interview/video/set because she is that bitch. her SONGS, man. i swear. she is that ethereal fairy from the forest. her fucking voice just draws me in. she deserved a better role in frozen 2 tho. she needs to be a lead in a musical animated movie. idc idc i said what i said.

beabadoobee: fucking rockstar, reviving the 90s grunge music and looks.

Billie Eilish: a badass. hate how she still stans bieber tho. 

5. daydreaming of a new life.

you don’t know how many times i’ve been dreaming to have a big house. 

it’s time. we really need a new house. i’m not, as what the kids say, vibing with this old house anymore. this is what i wish to leave behind as soon as possible. how do i even get the MONEY to afford it? i’m just hoping for a miracle to happen, you know. i really wish my family gets to be in a better home soon.

i think if u know me, u might have caught me spacing out a few times. 

idk why this always happens. it’s so rude to the person speaking to me but my mind literally drifts off to another planet. it’s not that they’re boring. i just can’t help it. i feel like shit thinking about how many times it has happened to me. 

sometimes, i dream of being this whole new different person. 

someone who is better than who i am. someone who is good at something and is passionate about the things she does. there are a lot of things i am interested in doing but i don’t have the courage to actually do it. idk why i always turn into a statue when i think of things that i wanna do.

6. God.

it’s been a long time. i have lost contact with You but You are always there to patch things up for me. every effin’ time. i cry everytime.

it must be because i was raised in a christian setting. that’s why i always think it’s You who’s working behind the scenes. but still i am grateful.

saved me from certain people.

saved me this semester.

saved me from pulling worthless all-nighters.

provided me financially esp when i thought i had nothing.

prevented a severe acid reflux situation.

gave me new friends.

did literally so many things that saved me from bad situations and people in general like WHO DOES THAT??

7. a life without a plan.

this is literally what i wanted to happen. not carelessly but like where i don’t have to worry about what to do next. just let things be and go with the flow. the first half of this year, i really did not think things through as i normally would and i let plans fall just to enjoy what was in front of me. be at ease and be present during that time. and i did. it was a peaceful, cheery time tbh.

8. every day i wanted to start over just to get over a lot of things.

9. i missed a lot of ppl.

10. i wanted to be held. not by a certain someone. not romantically. but by anyone close to me. *plays i’m with you by avril lavigne*

sometimes we all just need a long hug. that’s all. and it’d be nice to hear more stories from people. :)

11. not everybody will reciprocate the same energy that i send out to them and it’s okay.

this bummed me out. felt like an effin’ loser but i’ve learned that people have businesses to do. life doesn’t always happen the way we want it to.

12. this the final year of college. just finish it already, dumbass. 

13. why can’t i just be kathryn bernardo or AURORA for like a month or a year? i promise i will not ruin their careers lmao.

14. i want to make major changes in my stupid life but money is an issue.

15. the stars are below the sky now.

the state of the environment is the same as of our minds. polluted and overloaded with gibberish to the point that we get scared of doing one thing at a time and where we also don’t throw away the unnecessary baggage/s. 

we’re so intent on doing things all at the same time. finishing everything in one sitting. being productive became an addiction and it scared me how i was becoming affected by this. there’s this constant thought that we collectively share which is to do something by every day and it only adds up to people’s anxiety and depression. social media definitely made us aware of mental illnesses/disorders but then it became a trend. people self-diagnose themselves and end up with the wrong treatment. some people use it as a tool to get followers and... ugh it’s all a mess. i hope people get the right treatment/s AND/or professional help because if they don’t, they’ll lose themselves. i mean... just look at the sky. there’s literally no sign of a star now if u live in the city. we’ve lost sight of what should guide us. we are unconsciously following a false light thru our devices. 

i’m not good at analogies or at explaining things as u can tell. but moving on...

this hyper self-awareness that i have gained from social media has its advantages but is also distracting me from living my best life. i didn’t realize that i was making my own christmas lights inside my seemingly dark mind when really... it’s just clouded by all this information that’s coming in fast and has affected who i am and certain areas of my life. i’ve almost forgotten this and i’ve come to believe again that there’s always an ever-present light and it will take time to get used to its brightness once my mind gets clearer by the day. hopefully, it will.

anyway, CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE NEED TO SAVE EARTH. 

16. men are trash. 

17. the people who i should avoid always looks odd or unpleasant and has bad energy. i know shit when i sense one. 

18. i’m not happy with my life and with who i am but i’ll work with what i’ve got.

life gives u a mirror and shits on your face. sheesh.

for some reason, i can’t forget what my adviser told me during my 4th year of high school. she told me “it seems like you’re a person full of regrets” and every time i have a cryfest, i think of that. idk why. (never underestimate the power of a few words, folks). you know how like in flow charts, u encounter decision points? the diamond shapes? i think i always decide no and end up with the worst consequence and then there’s no more starting over. 

i don’t think i understand flow charts well. ugh. 

i can’t come up with a cool transition to me having insecurities so let’s say i did!

some people’s beauty, inspiring. but others just make you feel like shit.

i really want to explore my feminine side more because i was more masculine when i was younger. i’m not gentle, i’m a bit aggressive. and it just doesn’t fit with who i want to be. idk why. and also, it’s fun (!!!). you get a taste of what it’s like and it’s so EMPOWERING at least for the short experience that i had. but can make me feel very conscious of my entire being and i just end up wearing cartoony disguises. ironic but BABY STEPS. when i think about it, there’s really no black or white answer whether this or that is feminine or masculine.  

self-love is not a 5-step process. 

it is continuous improvement of oneself to the point where you don’t give a fuck about what they say. i really envy the ones who are comfortable in their own skin, who are totally embracing their flaws. they just bloom. some people just look like them. like it’s SO THEM. unmistakably them. and i think if everyone had that, we would not have standards anymore.

oh, to live in a time where individuality is encouraged but is also discouraged when not lived up to its standards. hurray.

19. this year was the year of mindless decisions. periodt.

20. hoping that the new year, 2020, will be the year of CLARITY where i know who i really am, embracing it, and where i will not be taking anymore of anyone’s bullshit. where i know where i stand in my relationships with other people and vice versa. there will be intentional but meaningful endings that will pave the way for blossoming beginnings. 

let’s hope it unfolds the way it should be. for the better.

bonus: nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. everyone’s just going with the flow. be yourself.

note: this is a compilation of thoughts, informally. thank u.