#and there isn't exactly a way to transition to take care of it

[amynchan]

God I wish, I wish, but the way I see the free schedule happening is one of two ways:

We get more teachers on more shifts, so teaching becomes a 24 hour profession OR teaching ends up with a day shift, where we get the morning kids; the afternoon shift, where we get the late risers; and the night shift, where we teach the insomniacs. Obviously, you'd need teachers who have the same natural sleeping rhythms to teach these classes, but that can kinda be done. In the college sphere, we have morning, afternoon, and evening classes, but you'd run into the same problem we get over here. The classes themselves would most likely have the same workload as the classes that are taught during the current time frame, but the main trouble is that we wouldn't ever be sure if those teachers have full classes that will pay them out until basically a few days beforehand. Classes get cancelled due to low enrollment all the time, so these teachers would be lesson planning and building classes that may not be used (which, yeah, that's a reality. It's happened to me a couple times now. Not enough students enroll in a class, and it gets cut, and the teachers don't get paid for the work we do before class even starts). We also have students who don't pay attention and sign up for the 8:00AM classes and just... show up as zombies even though they signed up for it. They're not engaged, they're not ready, and it's somehow my job to fix that.

The other one is move instruction to completely online courses so that way we can allow all students to take classes at entirely their own pace. This is the one we're closer to, and it's the one that's easier to see the practical problems of it (so hopefully we can fix the damn things!). Online learning, as we all know from our good ol' friend Covid, puts a great deal of responsibility on the student that—half the time—they weren't aware that the teacher had provided for them all along. A place and time separate from other responsibilities with which to do the work, materials to do the work, steady socialization, near instantaneous feedback and guidance when you get off-task. The classroom itself does a lot. Online learning can give you so much freedom, but as an instructor, I've seen so many students use that freedom to say "fuck all" to education. And I teach college in America. The USA doesn't make you go to college. I'm not sure how it works elsewhere, but that's how it works here. You won't get in trouble for not going or even applying. You should be in college because you've got some kind of goal for it. Therefore, you should only be enrolled in the class in the first place because you want to do something with it and should already have some kind of internal motivation to follow through. But students just don't. Not because of their sleep schedules, but because online learning requires a level of discipline and internal motivation that just isn't expected of them anymore. If a student doesn't wanna do the work, they just won't. And it's relatively fine for a college instructor, who isn't paid by how many students pass the class. Honest. I could fail the entire class and get by relatively okay as long as I'm able to defend my decision and point out the numerous amount of times I reached out to help them.

But high school and below??? They are paid and penalized by how many or how few students pass their course. Again, covid taught us this; if all of those students just choose to sit on their asses, they could get their way at the expense of people's jobs and livelihoods (for the longest time, my dad was the only worker in our house. As a high school instructor, he shoved all six of us—yes, including himself to get his master's degree so he could earn more money to support us!—through higher education by working his ass off. He was a stern teacher, too, so if the students did that to him, they would have fucked over my entire family. It's scary to think of how many other teachers' families are going through that right now because of the shift in cultural attitude about learning and going to school). And to the students, this threat to lives and livelihoods is usually not their concern, because they'll be gone after a year and why should they care? Easy A! Sit on your ass! Accuse the teacher of some shady shit! Works for me!

(Seriously. A student didn't like their grade in my dad's class, went home, ripped out their own stitches, and tried to cry to admin about my dad abusing them. I was in the room when the 'confrontation' happened, and the audacity shook me to my core. And this was years before Covid. This is only one example of some of the shit my dad has been through. The shift in attitude has been going on for years.)

Like, I get the original argument that "everyone in the world has different needs, and the world needs to adjust and accommodate to take care of it." I want that. I want a world where my sister didn't have to feel like an idiot because she's not a morning person and I am. I want a world where my sibling has the time to pursue both passion and education. I want that. However, on this side, I can only see this broken system that punishes us for trying to educate kids who don't see what, exactly, we are trying to offer them and can only see "you fuck with me and I fuck with you and no I don't give a damn about how it'll hurt you as long as I get my way." It's never enough. It's never, ever, ever enough. Even if we try to help them within the parameters we're given, it will never be enough.

Try to hire more teachers to teach in shifts to accommodate for the different and very natural sleeping patterns of students? First, find a teacher who has that same sleeping pattern and then have them on standby, only to cut their job if not enough students sign up for their class and stick to it. Hope that teacher has got a backup plan, buddy. Try to do online courses where students can learn at their own pace? In addition to all the work that goes into making a class that is both engaging and effective (I overworked myself to mental exhaustion for one online course this semester. The students who stuck it out loved it, and while that's worth it, I just hope that all the prep I did this semester will save me next semester when I gotta do it all over again), good luck making sure that the students themselves have the internal motivation to finish AND good luck also trying to be available to them so they can ask questions while also maintaining whatever little sanity you have left. That student who's up at 2AM, as is natural and good for them, may not be able to meet up with the teacher who sleeps from 12AM-5AM every night (if they like to push to the brink of their sanity).

I teach English, but I teach more than that, too. We all do. Time management, respect for others, critical thinking, problem solving and troubleshooting, and more. And I'm a college instructor. I have freedoms that not many others in the industry have. I can create my lessons liberally, I can choose OERs to use so I don't have to force my students to buy anything, I can create content that they don't have to shell extra money out for. As long as I follow the standards and guidelines, I can alter what I need when I need to for the betterment of my students. I feel so bad for the rest of my family, all of whom teach high school and are trapped within the same bureaucracy that everyone bitches about, but they, as teachers themselves, can't do anything without getting hit with a huge hammer for it by admin, by students, or by parents (and that is a WHOLE other thing). The shifts don't work entirely, and the online classes don't work entirely either (yet, yet, hopefully yet!).

If the sleeping schedule was literally the only thing, those options might be viable. Because then we'd probably have students consistently signing up for time slots so we could make them more consistently available, and we'd have students consistently doing the work without the sleeping schedule as a natural impediment because they'd be motivated to get it done. But as much of a good student, or even mediocre student who just showed up and didn't make too many waves, as you were, these are currently luxuries that we can't afford because we're trying to get everyone on the same page teaching-wise.

There's the sleeping schedule thing, yes. There are possible fixes for it, yes. However, as much as a lot of people want this, there's always going to be some bureaucracy and some people who just say "what if I hit the big red destruct button?" that it fucks it up for everyone else.

And, yeah, I'm mad about it.

In the future the way we treat different sleep schedules is going to be thought of as just as weird and barbaric as beating kids for being left-handed. People will read about how we thought certain circadian rhythms were bad and made people take melatonin and use special lights to make their circadian rhythms different, and they will think, "So sad and ignorant...everybody is just afraid of difference."

[liyawritesss]

ʟᴏᴠɪɴɢ ᴋᴇɴᴊɪ ꜱᴀᴛᴏ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ɪɴᴄʟᴜᴅᴇ...

-> synopsis: what would life be like to love the worlds baseball darling and secret superhero Ultraman, Kenji Sato?

-> pairing: kenji sato + black!gn!reader

-> from: ultraman: rising

-> contains: pure fluff, gender neutral, mentions of emiko and emi, 2nd person ('you', 'your', 'yours')

-> a/n: these animators need to stop making these kid movies with fine ass main characters bc whyyyyyyy is he so cute??? why do i wanna baby him in my arms and tell him everything will be okay? LET THIS MAN KNOW PEACE PLEASE!!!

-> join my taglist!

-> tags: @badass-dora-milaje @uranometrias @lees-chaotic-brain @jacuzziwaters

Kenji Sato who loves loves loooooovveeesss those subliminal couples pictures. The ‘private but not secret’ ones. They’re so aesthetically pleasing to him and they allow him to show you off to the world while still maintaining an air of privacy that he cherishes deeply from the media. Kenji is proud to call you his, and wants to show that in all ways possible.

Kenji Sato who is heavy on the couples jewelry. He’s already got a couple of notable pieces in his collection beforehand, and they only expand when you come into his life. In fact, the speculations of his love life come from the fact that people were noticing that he was wearing pieces from brands that were specifically designed for couples. Of course, when asked about it, he never goes into depth about it, and just recites how he thinks they look nice on him…and on someone else.

Kenji Sato who introduces you to his mom only after he’s sure that he wants to be serious with you. I have a feeling Emiko is the type of mom to get attached to their child’s partner in the sense of already viewing them as part of the family very early on, and Kenji wouldn’t want to get her hopes up if something were to happen - he can’t stand to see his mom upset. But when he does introduce you to his mom, you two become the best of friends! So definitely expect to be sent on girls day adventures by Kenji, cuz he’ll definitely be treating the two most important women in his life like royalty.

Kenji Sato who requires a lot of patience to deal - I mean, the man has a lot going on. Being the number one baseball player in the world, saving Japan from threats as Ultraman, and caring for the large kaiju baby Emi is more than a lot on anyone's plate. Kenji’s gonna need someone to understand that his schedule is never solid, and plans may fall through from time to time, and thats not because he’s not trying, but it’s because spontaneity runs his life and things can change at the drop of a hat, out of his control. It’s not the life he asked for, but it’s one he must take on.

Kenji Sato who doesn't exactly know how to bring up the topic of him being Ultraman, much less about Emi, early on in the relationship. I mean, how often do you tell someone that you're Japan's legendary hundred-foot tall superhero or that you're the surrogate parent to a twenty foot tall baby dragon kaiju? As much planning that he does on telling you, it ultimately happens in the worse way possible - you end up finding him mid-transition with Emi in tow...now that's gonna be an interesting story to tell. Spoiler: you stay with him, but now he's subjected to jokes about how is ego isn't the only thing that blows up to an enormous degree.

Kenji Sato who appreciates a partner that can not only deal with spontaneity, but is also rather spontaneous themselves. Surprise dates, random gifts, adventurous propositions out of the blue, I think those kind of things are right up his alley. He’s learned to live life in the moment and to the fullest, because it can be taken from you within an instant, and he wants to cherish every moment he has with you.

Kenji Sato who would spend his money on you religiously. He’ll sit in the dressing room with you as you try on armfuls of clothes, only to hand you his credit card at the end of the haul with a kiss to your temple, encouraging you to buy it all if you desire. And don't let you look at something too long in a display window, because he will have it shipped to your address in two business days. Endless trips post-baseball season in secluded locations so that the two of you can optimize the privacy you desperately crave.

Kenji Sato who’s a little bashful and nervous in the beginning, but eases into the relationship as time goes on. He doesn’t wanna mess up something so good that he has going on. Opening up takes some time, as he’s got some high walls that are hard to climb, but once you do get him to open up and bare his heart to you, don’t take it for granted. He doesn't do this to everyone, only the people he feels will truly return the care and compassion he has - so don’t prove him wrong.

Kenji Sato who seeks your comfort in the middle of the night when sleep evades him, leaving him restless and anxious. Most times, its about his mom and her disappearance, a mystery that's never left his mind. If you don't wake up to find him sitting up in bed deep in thought, or trying to tire himself out in a simulation, he finds comfort in just cuddling you, admiring your sleeping form, and talks about the most random things until the sun begins to peak over the horizon.

Kenji Sato who’s sort of in between the serious lover and the playful lover - he’s maturing in his emotions and how to deal with his past, learning how to communicate better and express himself healthily. Simultaneously, he’s a goofball and a jokester reliving a bit of his childhood in his love with you. Playful banter, jokes and teasing are equally as present as the late night talks and the deep conversations the two of you share.

Kenji Sato who tucks the chain that has his promise ring on it close to his chest, and on game days, rubs his thumb over the gold band for comfort and assurance before he heads up to bat. During championships, he'll ask you to kiss it for good luck, and when he wins, he of course accredits it to you being his 'good luck charm'.

Kenji Sato who loves deeply and fervently, with compassion and the entirety of his heart, who will do his duty and love you unconditionally an proudly while shielding you from the cruel and prying eyes of the public, letting you know time and time again that it will always be you he chooses, no matter what.

If you enjoyed, please leave a like, comment, and reblog for others to see! And don’t be shy to send in a request!

[beatrixstonehill2]

"Damn, what the hell fertility drugs did that doctor put you on?" Marissa's husband, Tom, asked.

"I dunno." She smiled big, shrugging. "But I think I love it..... Just look at this belly, I'm so huge!"

"I know..... I'm just in awe. You pushed out sextuplets last time and he still upped your dose?"

"Yep! He said he wasn't happy with how many I was having. That a fertile young woman like me should be carrying at least a dozen at a time....."

"Wait, a dozen? Babe, you can't be serious."

Marissa giggled. "What? Are you surprised? Tom, I'm only four months along. What did you think was happening? I bet I'm carrying even more...."

"Holy shit, you're gonna be immobile by the six month mark. Your belly will be bigger than that yoga ball of yours!"

"I know..... isn't that so hot? I'll be totally helpless..... Not even when I was carrying sextuplets was I that helpless. Sure, I needed you to push me in a wheelchair, which was fun. I loved explaining to people around town that I was too pregnant to walk. Everyone loved it, although a lot were bummed when I told them you didn't have me paralyzed from the shoulders down finally, since that's such a popular thing for husbands to do......"

"Hey don't tempt me. Your doctor keeps asking me if I want it. But you'll already be helpless enough, I think."

"Who knows! It could help spice up our marriage a bit! You'll already be so used to caring for me. Are you even going to bother clothing me before you show me off to the neighborhood?"

"I wasn't exactly planning on it...."

"Mmmmm, I'll bet. I just love having you take care of me, I can't believe how independent and against being a traditional wife and mother I used to be."

"When we met you had a buzzed head, hated the idea of kids, and you were even thinking of transitioning into a guy."

"I was so naïve about what a simpleminded breeder I wanted to really be. Totally in denial..... Thankfully after you knocked me up I came to my senses..... Now I'm starting to think twelve or thirteen kids might be too easy for this womb of mine. I think I can carry way more."

"I dunno, might hurt a lot to get that big, I might have to make a call and get that spine snipped..... you'd look so cute totally helpless, unable to move or feel a thing except your head. Then you'd really just be a big over-inflated womb and nothing more."

"I'm starting to like the sound of it more by the day..... My body will 100% be devoted to you, yours to do with as you please all day, every day. And the only thing I can do is watch you enjoy yourself..... OK. Do it! Call the doctor tomorrow morning! This'll be soooo much fun!"

Tom took out his cellphone. "Why wait til tomorrow? I'll just claim it's an emergency and you're in a lot of pain....."

"Just promise me one thing."

"OK?"

"While we wait for the ambulance please fuck my brains out so I can feel your cock in me one more time! I'll miss cumming so much.... But I want to show you I really mean it. I'm only a womb, and I'll be yours. This is the best way to prove I belong to you and you alone. ❤️"

[thebeholdingsblog]

Will Graham | NSFW Alphabet

TW: MinorsDNI, GN!reader, various kinks, allusion to dubcon but not really (it's clearly stated that he would never), a whole lot of smut, potentially dark subject matter

A = Aftercare

The afterglow is when he finds himself not occupied by thoughts about his work for once, so he likes to just lay in bed and hold you. For him it's the calm before the storm inevitably breaks over him again, so he embraces moments like that as much as he can, caressing you and taking his time before cleaning the both of you up with soft words of praise and encouragement scattered inbetween pauses of compfortable silence. He wants to bask in the feeling of having you on his bare skin for as long as he is able to.

B = Body part

Will is mostly insecure about his performance, not his looks, so on himself it's his stomach, he can appreciate the fact that it's well muscled but still soft.

On you it's your hips, his hands often find them, tracing the bones and eventually the sensitive skin below them as he takes great care to take his time and he feels like they are just meant to be held in place by his rough palms. Aside from that it's the place where your neck transitions into your shoulders, he finds himself nipping at it gently and nuzzling it often. Beeing honest though, everything about you is the sheer image of unrivaled perfection in his eyes. If he knows that you are particularly insecure about a part of yourself he will take care to give it extra attention until you see yourself from his point of view, even if he needs to make a you a whining mess to do so.

C = Cum

Inside of you, the feeling of your walls wrapping around him has a hold on him, but only if he is wearing a condom. He wants children, but is not certain that he is ready to be a father after all that has happened, so he keeps the both of you safe while secretly fantacising about what would happen if he wasn't wearing one. He cums hard when he does, needing some time to get there if he isn't feeling well mentally, but when he does it sends him into mindless bliss.

D = Dirty secret

While he would never actually do it, he has toyed with the idea of just slipping the condom off inbetween thrusts many times, it's one of the things that immediatly gets him close to the edge, though he could not break your trust like that and wouldn't even dare to try something like that.

E = Experience

While he hasn't had many intimate partners, the one's that he had have shown him exactly how to please them over time and Will is just a good student all over. You're not leaving the bed until both of you are thoroughly spent.

F = Favorite position

Cowgirl. Will loves to have you in any way that he can, but if he has the choice he's having you in his lap, his hands holding your hips and his eyes watching you as you set your own pace. If he is feeling a little more dominant he'll have you laying on a surface that's level with his hip, holding your wrists above your head with gentle pressure and making you see stars.

G = Goofy

Both are entierly possible, it depends on the day. If he's been at work, there are times where he comes home and (after asking) has his way with you without a single expression apart from his eyebrows pulling together in pleasure and his lips softly parting in a silent moan, but if the two of you have spent the day on your own he can be a bit more relaxed, chuckling with you over some nonsense that has happened and allowing you to make a few jokes if you take breaks in between.

H = Hair

In the beginning of a relationship he actually shaves, afraid that you would be uncomfortable otherwise, but if his partner has nothing against it he doesn't really do anything to his hair downstairs.

I = Intimacy

Will is worshipping you as much as he can, kissing every inch of skin that he can get his lips on and making sure you know just how much he adores you, how much he needs you in that moment. Even if he is handling you in a way that is anything but gentle, he'll have you feeling like you own his very soul. He's emotional in a way that is hard to describe, every movement carrying a sort of intensity that leaves you breathless over and over again.

J = Jack off

Less often than one would think. If he knows you are waiting for him at home, he doesn't even try. When his sex drive hits he wants you, not his hand and he actually has a fair amount of trouble cumming on his own. The only time he really does it by himself is when he knows he won't get to see you for a long time and he needs to focus badly.

K = Kink

Light impact play is always involved with Will, since he can hardly keep from holding you harshly and nipping at your skin, even while eating you out although he's careful not to hurt you, pinching the inside of your thigh if you can't manage to keep still for him.

Breeding is the sort of fantasy that he keeps to himself, but it his significant other even so much as alludes to it he's all for it. He would delight in having you walk around hours after the two of you are finished still leaking his cum, using his fingers to push it back inside as it drips down your thighs so not a drop goes to waste.

Praise is another one that is heavily involved as soon as the two of you are intimate. He craves for you to know what you are worth to him, but also enjoys watching you fall apart just from his words alone and manages to find just the right thing to say more often than not.

L = Location

In the comfort of his home, specifically in his bed. While he does think about having you in the most absurd places, he wouldn't feel safe anywhere else and the risk of exposing you to someone that isn't him doesn't sit right with Will. With the right encouragement there is a chance that he will have you anywhere you want him to though. Will is incredibly responsive, not needing much to get as desperate as a puppy begging for a treat and he's willing to do whatever you ask of him.

M = Motivation

It's the small things for Will. A smile that lingers just a moment longer than it should, the way you furrow your eyebrows while reading your favorite book and even when you push your fingers trough your hair after coming home from a walk with the dogs. It doesn't stop at your appearance though, even something as trivial as you talking about something that you're passionate about can get him hot and bothered in the matter of seconds. If you really want to get him there quickly though, feather light touches on his jaw can make him lose his mind.

N = No

Any sort of hard impact play. He has seen enough blood and strangling marks while working, he doesn't want to see them on you. He will try if you need him to, but would preferably stay away from this kind of stuff. There is a part of him that would love nothing more and maybe that is exactly why he won't do it.

O = Oral

He loves beeing on the passive end of the bargain, watching you intently as you suck him off, one of his hands making it's way into your hair although he doesn't push you down, so you can always come up to get air. There are days where all he wants is to sink into the warmth of your mouth and if you are happy to oblige he is praising you like you are a divine beeing the whole time.

What he loves even more though is giving you head. He can't imagine a more beautiful sight than your head falling back into the pillows and delights in the soft noises he can coax out of your lips with just a flick of his tounge in the right spot. He doesn't even have to try, he just knows how to push you over the edge and can't even be bothered to stop after you cum, only satiated when he knows you're absolutly satisfied. He needs some time to get to that point though, his first attempts tainted by the fact that he is scared he won't be enough for you, which is not the case. As soon as he gets that out of his head, well you are getting head.

P = Pace

Will prefers to go slow, but not necessarily gentle. He starts out with soft thrusts, but as he gets lost inside you his hips start to come into you roughly and even with brute force if he knows you can take it, though is pace stays torturously slow. He wants to savor the moment as long as he possibly can, although he has no reservations about going at a different pace if you ask him to do so.

Q = Quickie

If he had a stressful day he takes advantage of it to help him quiet his mind, but he doesn't do it often, knowing that he can get rough when he's overly frustrated and he doesn't want you to get hurt because he can't keep himself under control. Under normal circumstances he would much rather take his time with you.

R = Risk

If you ask him to try something new he will absolutly think about it and try it for you, yet he isn't too keen on doing anything that could have lasting damage. You're precious to him, he wouldn't risk breaking you as long as that is not exactly what you want.

S = Stamina

Two at most. Will doesn't need or most of the time want more than one round, he can last pretty long though, making sure he has you pleased and every single one of your needs throughly fulfilled before he himself gets his fill.

T = Toys

Doesn't own any, but isn't repulsed by the idea of using them. They do intimidate him a bit.

U = Unfair

Not while he is unwell, in those cases his mind is way to occupied with his work. If you're home and the week has gone over smooth though, his hands are always somewhere on you, fingertips tracing the lines of your back in passing or a hand placed delicately on your thigh while you're watching a movie, his hand drifting dangerously close to where you want him most but also not close enough. All of it until you eventually break and ask him to fuck you senseless.

V = Volume

Will isn't usually loud, but if you get him to let himself go, especially while giving him head, there is a good chance that he will whine at least a bit, though he does his best to keep himself from doing it.

W = Wild card

While Will is willing to do almost anything for the person he has his sights on, he is often insecure about trying new things because he is worried that he won't be able to do well enough. He needs lots and lots of reassurance, but won't ask for it because he keeps his feelings to himself. His partner needs to take the initiative to find out what makes him tick, both in at home life and in bed.

X = X-ray

A good 7.5 inches with plenty of girth, not too large, absolutly not too small.

Y = Yearning

He doesn't have time for a high sex drive and the thought doesn't occur to him often either way. If there isn't something that turns him on, he isn't thinking about it.

Z = Zzz

If you don't require him to be present with you, he falls asleep quickly, the peace after sex giving him the comfort to do so for once.

/Template by @/the-coldest-goodbye\

[walkingstackofbooks]

Doctor Bashir I Presume AU where Julian transitioned during the Academy but never told his parents: (This totally got out of hand I'm sorryyyy 😅)

"What did you do to your lovely hair?" - Amsha's first reaction to seeing him in Sisko's office (He always wore a wig to visit them. This is exactly why.)

"You must be very proud of your son." "Our... son?"

Richard and Amsha trying to hide how unimpressed they are because they know it's socially unacceptable to be transphobic

(Not that they'd call themselves transphobic, of course. They have trans friends! But with Jules, well, it's different, isn't it? With all that they spent on her enhancements, there's no way her DNA would have been left with any... imperfections. And when it comes down to it, their her parents - they know her better than she knows herself.)

Amsha complaining at dinner how Julian hadn't prepared them for the shock of seeing him. "How could you do this to us? We were so embarrassed in front of your Captain."

(As if it wasn't them in the first place who had showed up totally unannounced 🙃🙄)

Richard saying that if Julian had told them he'd been having these feelings from the beginning, they might have been able to get help for him before he ruined his body.

Richard (angrily): "You've got some nerve, asking us to be careful with this Zimmerman chap! With the sort of risks you've been taking? Don't you realise how easily you could have been found out, all for some unnecessary surgery?" Julian (painfully restrained): "I don't expect you to understand, father, but it was necessary for me." Amsha (sadly): "Your father's just looking out for you, Jules. Try to understand that."

Misunderstandings abound when talking to Miles*, but eventually it's cleared up that Julian's parents are shit.

Cue a lot of anger (and a lot more anger than Julian thought anyone would feel. Because, you know, when you grow up knowing that your parents aren't the most accepting people, you figure that's just what some parents are like, rather than assuming yours are among the most outliers of outliers...)

Miles tells Julian he should talk to Sisko and get his parents kicked off the station. Julian's like, "That's a nice idea, but the captain can't just do that unless he's got a good reason" and Miles is like "You do know that persistently misgendering someone is literally a Federation hate crime, right?"

The Bashirs of course deny any wrongdoing. Richard gets angry, claiming "it's a family matter". Amsha starts crying about how unfair it all is.

"You have to understand, Captain -- she's been our daughter for over thirty years. We know Jules is angry with us but please, she knows that we love her really. If you could just let us talk to her--"

Sisko is fuming. "I might believe you cared if you had made any attempt to get Julian's gender right." "You don't know what it's like!" Amsha protests. "This is all so sudden!" "I know exactly what it's like!" Ben snaps back. "And I'll tell you, I didn't for a second consider telling Jake that I didn't believe him, or that he must be mistaken, or that he needed to be patient with my mistakes. In fact, I made sure as hell that I didn't make mistakes. There's no case here, as far as I'm concerned. You're both confined to quarters until the next shuttle arrives."

So I guess in the aftermath of all that, Julian's enhancements never get revealed. Even if the Bashirs were to make an apology, Miles would shut the hologram down, now he knows what Julian's parents are like.

But I think they probably feel too betrayed to try and make an apology, even a bad one.

So yeah, they're forced off the station and Julina actually gets, like, support and stuff from his friends!

Also, for like, a month afterwards, all of Molly and Yoshi's bedtime stories have trans main characters because Miles is low-key anxious about them ever starting to feel like Julian had about it not being okay.

(Keiko catches onto this and just happens to invite Julian around one night when it's storytime. Molly gets Julian to read her book. It's cute.)

(Afterwards, he enthuses about how he wishes he'd had books like that when he was a kid. And that's... sad.)

About two months later, when enough time has passed that Jadzia can pretend this isn't about Julian (although it totally is), Jadzia gets Quark and Jake involved in digging up some Earth history and holding a stationwide Pride celebration. (Julian appreciates both the gesture and the pretense.)

Garak makes some huffy comment to Julian about how "of course the Federation would have a whole festival devoted to degeneracy". Julian rolls his eyes and is about to take the bait, when he suddenly realises, "Wait, didn't Dukat once accuse you of being a degenerate?" "Wholly unsubstantiated claims, my dear Doctor." "Of course," Julian agrees sagely. "Although," he adds, a grin dancing across his lips, "if you ever find yourself wanting to substantiate them, Mister Garak..."

*The Misunderstandings:

"No offense, Julian, but you look wrecked. Is everything okay?"

Not meeting Miles' eyes, Julian takes a breath, as if to compose himself. "Let's just say that my parents are not exactly taking the news that I'm trans well."

In the moment, Miles chooses the wrong part of the sentence to focus on. "Wait, you're trans?"

Julian shrugs unhappily, a flash of anxiety passing over his face. "That doesn't... change how you feel about me, does it?" he asks hesitantly.

"'Course not!" replies Miles. "It's a bit of a surprise, I'll give you that, but-- No, sorry, I mean: what pronouns do you want me to use? Do you want to go by a different name?"

Before Julian can respond, Miles has another thought. "And what do you mean, your parents aren't taking this well? You're their son! -- Sorry, daughter-- offspring-- their child, I mean--"

"Hold up, Chief," Julian says, shaking his head in bemusement. "I'm still Julian. I'm very much a man. My parents just didn't know that until... yesterday."

"You never told them?"

"No."

"For how long?"

"Twelve years, if you're counting from when I first came out. More like twenty if you go from when I first knew."

"Jesus." Miles runs a hand through his hair. "Well, at least that explains why they're mad. That's an awfully big thing to hide from your own parents, Julian."

Julian grimaces. "I know," he replies, looking down. "It wasn't exactly brave, I guess but... I don't know. It was easier to cope with being misgendered because they didn't know, than being misgendered on purpose, you know?"

Being misgendered on purpose? This is such a bizarre statement, so at odds with what Miles knows of the world, that it takes him a minute to try and wrap his head around it.

"I'm lost, I'm afraid," he says eventually. "I can't, um-- Julian, what happened when you told your parents?"

[goodtoembrace]

Reacting to The Vampire Lestat - Part III (with a bit of spoilers)

I like Gabrielle.

I'm not sure I love her, but I really like her.

I feel wrong using feminine pronouns with her, though. I feel like Gabrielle is whispering in my ear that is they/them. Like, I've never had a headcanon so strong before? I don't know about labels, but for me those are the pronouns Gabrielle would use. It's just so clear to me.

I won't use them because the book doesn't do it, the fandom doesn't do it, which I'm not criticizing because it isn't exactly 'official', so it wouldn't be real canon to... But I feel like if the books were released today, it would be. And I hope the show changes that and we can gradually adjust too.

I hope that when they write season 3, they show signs of her gender dysphoria even before she says something explicit like the "you're the man in me" conversation. I want lines that imply that, I want a look in her eyes and expressions on her face whenever she gets gender envious of guys or has to do something "feminine". The book doesn't do a lot of that because Lestat is the narrator and he is away from her, so we barely see her before the transformation/'transition' but the show has the opportunity to explore more of it and I hope they use it.

Gabrielle was born to be a vampire. I think she would nail it even without Lestat's counseling. It's just second nature for her. You go, bruh!

Gabrielle actually seems to be more fun and even affectionate than I expected? I was worried that she'd might be too confident, powerful, badass, empowered etc that she would feel cold and emotionless, because that's usually what happens with characters like these and I hate that... But so far it hasn't been the case.

She really blossomed with vampirism. Feels like she is finally getting the opportunity to have the life she was meant to live.

The only downside is the hair. That moment with the hair was so visceral. I feel bad for her. Imagine being stuck with a hair you hate and gives you body dysphoria forever. I hope the show lets her hair be short. Like, maybe her illness affected her hair or something. Or at least give her hairstyles that make it look shorter than it really is. Or make her cut it every day. I don't care. Let the dude have short hair! Period.

Lestat's reaction to all this is like... Mixed feelings. He doesn't love it. Which, I get it, all his life he knew her as a "woman". It can be weird adjusting to that, it may feel like you're losing someone. But there are these gentle moments when he separates accessories (if I remember it correctly, rings) that are masculine for her because he figures she would prefer them and when he says he'll cut her hair every night if she wants to, so it's more of unlearning and grieving what/who he thought was 'real' and adapting to a new reality. It's not an "okay, let's go!" reaction as if nothing happened, specially for the time being (1700s), it's complicated, but he seems to be open. I can't speak for everyone who is trans and/or under the non-binary umbrella, but it was human to me and I have no problems with it.

Alright, so whether it was incestuous before or not, now it clearly is. I do hope it started now and not when they were human, though.

She was my mother, my fledgling, my child (sort of), my roommate, basically the only friend I had and my lover. I mean, not exactly, but I thought the joke was funny.

I feel like if I talk about the incest, it has to be on another post because it would probably take too long. There are way too many things to talk about and I'm still approaching the middle of the book.

Let's just say it sort of makes works with how the book, the characters, this species and universe are written. I can sort of get it, at least for now. Is it necessary? No. Would the show suffer if they don't do the incest? Not all. Is it random, irrelevant, only for shock value and because "let's get nasty freaky and controversial these are vampires and this is gothic horror grow up cupcakes deal with it hahaha"? Also no! It has some kind of logic. But I feel like Lestat and Gabrielle are already layered enough with their parent/child/maker/fledgling/sort of envious of each other (including the fact they're both gender nonconforming to some extent) dynamic on its own, that there's plenty to cover here without incest. Still, if the show goes there (and I'm afraid they will), I also expect it to make sense and not be just for the sake of being seual, weird and controversial. I believe Rolin is too good to write something that mediocre and poor. So, I can live without it, but I'm also trusting the show to do whatever their thing is. Let's see, I guess.

Also, at least at the moment, it's not as big as people make it out to be. Again, to talk about this properly I'd need another post, but it's not like they sleep together, they're head over heels in love with each other or anything. Like I said, there's some logic that is kind of complicated to explain here, but it's not that radical and it's not that often. Sometimes I even genuinely and wholeheartedly forget about it. Fortunately, there are way too many other (and more) interesting things going on to focus on.

Gabrielle learning about her powers is really fun too, maybe even more fun than Lestat since she's such a natural at this whole thing.

And their maker/fledgling dynamic is entertaining as well.

She's like, climbing walls, jumping from roofs etc like a cat, just having the time of her life and while Lestat gets pretty adventurous and experimental with his powers too, it's not as much? Gabrielle takes it to the next level (good for her).

Like, sometimes he has to stop Gabrielle like a father with his kid, like "CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO HOME WE CAN DO MORE TOMORROW" and it's simply hilarious.

Stop it, Lestat, let Gabrielle HAVE FUN!

Gabrielle just gives major Cat Woman vibes. Now I need Cat Woman-esque scenes on the show with her climbing and jumping between buildings etc. WE HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL AND THE VISION IS CO CLEAR. Do it, Rolin!

It's cool that Lestat finally has some real company and someone with whom he can be open about being a vampire.

Loneliness is the biggest thing for him on the show and I have a feeling it's the same thing on the books. And it's even worse here, because there are moments where he is completely alone and in so much pain (and we haven't seen that on the show yet). Having Gabrielle around made things better for him and he hasn't cried in a little while (and he was crying A LOT on those first two chapters, for very understandable reasons), so this was a nice turn for him and the story.

I also think he enjoys being her mentor, like it gives him a sense of purpose and pride. Reminds me of how he talked about the way he felt at the monastery. And it's sweet to see him teaching Gabrielle stuff.

And sometimes he feels like an old and tired single dad and it's just funny. Like, Gabrielle is ready to create the vampire Olympics and win gold for every single sport and he just wants to sleep. Lestat is too much and loves playing around, but Gabrielle is too much even for HIM. Imagine having more energy than the actual ADHD child. What a legend. They're hilarious. A lot of room to play with humor with these two and I hope they use it.

P.S. Nothing is permanent, opinions might change and this is based on Lestat’s narration, which can be unreliable. I’m reading the books so I can find out more about the characters, what potential events might happen in the show, what I can expect etc. This is my favorite show in the universe, so I want to be as informed as possible. I have no idea if I’ll become a legit fan of the books or not, but so far I’m enjoying it. I’m posting these comments only for fun.

[brainrotcharacters]

I'm going to fucking 👹YAP 👹

deadclaws/loganpool/poolverine/adamantium gays: MBTI Edition from a college dropout that didn't even take psychology. I did take coffee, though.

A quick Google reference reveals:

The yap of the enabler: @buriedintheguts

Wade is the Thinker and Logan is the Feeler. Yes? No? Okay.

You're Deadpool on your birthday, you get told everything you've ever loved is about to die asap. You get told this by the same man who wants to guarantee it, who also has a TemPad you can use to find a Wolverine variant capable enough to make everything right. What do you do? You use the TemPad and you go on a fuckin' multiversal montage.

You're Wolverine miserable and not at all sober, with the weight of your family's deaths over your shoulders, and you get told "They can fix whatever you did! I promise!" by a motherfucker in red spandex who can regenerate and who you can perceive the sincere heartbeat of. You believe him. Later he opens his fucking mouth "If they can fix your world," and your ears ring. That fog of drunkenness goes away and a red fury replaces it. Your logic kicks in and it gets harder to breathe. What do you mean, if?

This is me talking now. I do agree that that first penetration from Logan is foreplay. But other than being a horny early 20s lady, I'm also a writer, so come here.

That first move from Logan was him feeling so betrayed that only the normalcy of his claws could express it in a satisfying way. More than that, the feeling of his claws deep inside the thigh of the person who fuckin lied to him. He only cared that Wade would understand how hurt he was, and drawing blood from The Fucker Who Regenerates is the best way they communicate. At this point in the movie, Logan knows and enjoys that violence is their language.

Probably in Logan's pov, he isn't prioritizing Wade's timeline yet. He's too busy stewing and brooding at the fact that he's been tricked yet fucking again. He was probably ignoring the voice of reason at the back of his head that already wondered 'is this guy lying?' because of his own desire to fix the things he couldn't do. Deadpool told him exactly what he wanted to hear, to get him to stay long enough to fix his world. Because the selfish fucker only cares about his own universe, and doesn't care enough about how the TVA could help Logan fix his.

In all these emotions, Logan is so present in the moment. And the moment is stabbing his claws into Wade's guts. fuck it's probably Wade who's thinking 'this is a waste of time' before he transitioned into 'oh this is actually fun' sexual innuendos aside. I know it's hard to do. I mean-

I don't mean Wade is a cold hearted bastard or Logan is a mindless emotional wreck. I mean that their survival modes are so different and so complementary to each other that it furthers the adamantium gays agenda.

All this to say, Wade takes in information by collecting facts before he acts; Logan takes in information by processing how he feels about it first before actually doing anything concrete. Thank you.

[mjlovescm]

Snapshot, Argyle 🍋

A/N: idk if this is really nsfw but it contains- kissing, lap sitting/grinding, lingerie, 

“Okay, and when you take photos, put this on your neck so you won't drop it.”

“I’m not gonna.” 

Jonathan ignores Argyle’s words and continues to warn his friend about the importance of being careful. 

“Argyle,” Jonathan says cautiously, “what do you really need it for? Whatever it is, I can just take the photos for you and say I helped you with it.”

He suggests, for the fourth time today, just to be shut down again by his best friend. 

“Sorry man.”Argyle's hand is firm on Jonathan's shoulder. “There’s some things only I can do. Trust me.”

It was one of the many very vague responses he’d been receiving from the long-haired man. Useless attempts at easing Jonathan's worries when it came to Argyle using his camera for reasons that keep changing. First it was “curiosity,” then personal reasons. When those didn’t work, he landed on a random “project.”. Although none of it made real sense, Jonathan trusted his friend, for better or worse. 

“Okay,” he says with a huff. “I trust you.”

“Thank you man y/n’s pics are gonna turn out great.”

Jonathan smiles at the thought before really taking  in Argyle’s words.

“Isn't this for a work thing ?”

Argyle is silent before spewing nonsense to cover his tracks. 

“Thanks for the camera man, have it to you by monday!” 

Long distance at any age is difficult. But doing long distance as high school sweethearts going to separate colleges was rough. With the large transition, stress, and distance of college, you and Argyle worried how your relationship would survive. Rather than ponder the survival rate of your relationship, you searched for ways to keep it alive regardless of your location. 

Letters, mixtapes, and over-the-phone dinners were on the long list of long-distance activities. But anything involving sex was number one. Dirty letters were too prison-style; mixtapes would only put us in sexually frustrated moods; and phone sex started way back in junior year. But an idea the two of you never considered was dirty photos as keepsakes. 

The lingerie store at your local mall had peaked your interest the moment you stumbled upon it. But it wasn't until now that you had a real reason to shop there. A sexy photo shoot was the perfect opportunity.

“Don’t you think lace is a little advanced.” Argyle comment’s trailing behind you like a lost puppy. “I don’t want us to get too ahead of ourselves.”

“Advanced how?” you questioned your boyfriend. 

“Not in a bad way,” he’s quick to clarify. “I just- I don’t think my pictures will look as good as yours. I wanna give you something steamy to hold onto.”

You stop and turn to look at your boyfriend with a sweet, teasing smile. 

“Argyle, just because you’re paying doesn't mean I’m the only one getting something,” you assure him. “I told you I wanted us to match.”

“I’m paying?” 

“Yep and we're getting matching pajamas.”

After many hours at the mall you left carrying a hefty amount of bags and the two of you made your way to your home. 

But back in your bedroom, you weren't feeling as sexy as you did prior. Now that you were face-to-face with a camera and your boyfriend's eyes, the last thing you wanted was to be seen. 

A knock at the bathroom door makes you jump out of your exposed brown skin. 

“Baby I think I got the hang of this thing.” 

“T-that's good,” you paused, your mind elsewhere. “Can you get me the pajamas? I’m not ready for any pictures.”

“O-oh okay… you all good in there?”Argyle asks with a soft voice. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you lie. 

Your words say one thing but your body language speaks for itself. While Argyle worked out the kinks of the camera you found yourself stuck in your head. Suddenly hyper aware of the brown skin that was present and exposed under the matching set you had on. The change in mood is apparent to your boyfriend, who knew exactly how to fix it. 

“Before we start…” he sets the camera down and rummages through his jean pockets for something. “A little party starter?”Argyle smiles and shows you a few pre-rolled joints. 

Your smile quickly matches his, and soon smoke and smiles fill the space between the two of you. While you light the joint, Argyle picks up Jonathan's camera. 

“Smile, baby,” he says, pointing the lens at you. 

“Hey,” you say as the flash hits your eyes. “I thought we were taking sexy photos.”

“Trust me.”Argyle says almost more to himself than you, voiced laced with something.

“These are very sexy.”

“Oh yeah.” you match his newfound tone. “What about it?”

With the joint pressed to your lips and light in hand, you take a few drags. Exhaling you blow the smoke at the camera, Argyle's eyes light up along with the flash from the camera. 

You and your boyfriend take your time to smoke. Enjoying each other's presence and bodies, along with taking photos. As the weed settled into your system, your nerves slipped away, confidence and sexuality replacing them. 

“Don't you think that's a little close?”Argyle asks as you sit in his lap, a camera in your face. 

You ignore his question, pushing the camera aside and kissing Argyle without a word. A small sound leaves him, and you follow suit. Plump lips move against each other slowly, taking time to enjoy the feel of the soft skin. Argyle's large arms wrap around your body, pulling you closer and intensifying the kiss. 

“You- look so-”

Argyle attempts to speak with his lips still on yours but his words come out muffled. Wrapping your hands around his neck you ran your fingers through Argyle’s long hair as your hips began to move against his lap. Although his words don't break the two of you apart, the sudden flash of Jonathan's camera does. 

“Was that on purpose?” you ask, genuinely curious. 

“Yes,” he lies. “No, you got me excited,” he admitted.

“Aww.” you say with a smile. “Let’s take a few more.” 

You take a few cuter pictures, kissing each other on the cheek, among other places. But it didn't take long for your photo ideas to become less cute and more sexy. 

“Hmm, that's a good angle.” 

“Oh yea.” you say as you get on your knees before running your hand over the lingerie containing Argyle’s erection. 

You press your face to Argyle's bulge before kissing his tip. The two of you are too lost in the moment to remember Jonathan's important advice when it came to taking pictures. 

Argyle's clumsy fingers lose grip before he realizes.

“Oh shit baby.” 

Argyle's attempt at a warning is useless. You're smacked in the face with Jonathan's camera, and you immediately yell at the pain. 

“Fuck,” you curse, holding the spot where you've been hit. 

“Oh my god, baby, are you okay?” your boyfriend quickly analyzes your face. 

Once he is sure you’re fine, Argyle is quick to pick up Jonathan's camera, inspecting it for anything. A crack, scratch, or broken piece. Thankfully, Jonathan's prized possession was left unscathed, and for it to stay, that meant this photoshoot was over. 

“Told you your camera was safe with me man.” 

Argyle takes the camera off his neck and hands it back to its owner.

“Don't worry, I’ll develop them for you.” Jonathan offers. 

“No!”Argyle says with wide eyes. “These are for uhh my eyes only,” he says, plastering a smile onto his nervous face.

Masterlist Sweet and Sour Silky Smooth, 🍋

[jadedresearcher]

Thoughts on Liminal Horror

So this has been kicking around in my head a while, and I woke up with some actual coherent thoughts on it that I'm trying to capture before I lose them.

There was a tumblr post I saw before that I have long since lost about how liminal horror should NOT have a monster and isn't just "oh you're alone somewhere". And I couldn't agree more! But I haven't been able to articulate exactly why. Liminal, as a word on it's own, means transitional. Liminal spaces are real things that are places where you are on the WAY to somewhere. Liminal doesn't mean infinite spooky mazes, is my first point.

A liminal space could be hallways on the way to an office. Maybe you're trying to get some government bullshit completed. Maybe you're on the way to a doctor you're not entirely familiar with. A liminal space could be the terminals in an airport, as you try to make it to your flight in time. Or a highway you're driving on while looking for a particular exit. Or a carpark as you look for where you had parked among seemingly identical cars. You've been in liminal spaces so so many times. The point is that the spaces themselves aren't what you're really paying attention to. You're thinking of what you'll do when you get there, or going over the things you'll need to keep track of when you arrive. The directions you have to get there, maybe.

So in your MEMORY, and especially your dreams, these spaces take on a peculiar quality. They're SLIPPERY. It's hard to remember any details of them, because you weren't really focused on them. It's just a miasma of "i was in a hallway" or "i was on a road". Maybe a few weird details jump out on you, but it only serves to blend together the rest of the journey. So, when we elevate liminal spaces to HORROR, the first thing we do is lean into that. Impossible spaces because your memory genuinely does not care what any part of them is like save the ending.

Impossible spaces because we tap into that part of you deep down that is unsettled if you try to remember them, and wonders if maybe they really HAD been so weird when you were in them, and you just didn't notice.

This is getting longer than I thought, so may as well put in a cut!

So. I've explained WHAT liminal spatial horror is as well I was going to be able to, I think, but I haven't really articulated why a MONSTER feels like it kneecaps the entire premise.

Have you ever been lost in a liminal space? Keeping in mind that "liminal space" is a thing we all encounter constantly and not shorthand for creepy pastas. Have you ever wandered unfamiliar areas that normally you wouldn't even be paying attention to, increasingly desperate that you won't get to your destination in time? Are you going to miss your flight? What if you can't get your government bullshit taken care of in time? Or your doctor's appointment will skip you and you already waited so long to get it. Did you already miss your exit?

That fear is what I'm focused on here.

It's hard to make you feel that fear in an artificial way.

Even if we give a character in a game all sorts of motives to reach a destination by a certain time, you only feel annoyed at the time pressure, not really *scared*. And although the person lost in a liminal space rarely can just give up and leave, YOU, the player of a game, can.

So liminal spatial horror tends to distill it down to a single fear: where is the exit.

Of course, simply "wanting to leave" is rarely pressure enough to *rush*. And I can see why adding a monster is a quick trick to add that 'going so fast you can't navigate' vibe to the experience.

What I'm saying here is that the time spent is the POINT. That you can slowly build up to that desperate pressure to rush.

You can emphasize that desperation a more subtle way, a way my favorite instances of liminal spatial horror do: bodily needs. You are in a space clearly created by humans, and yet without a single human need met. There are no water fountains. There are no bathrooms. There are no vending machines. Nowhere to comfortably rest. If any of these things do exist they are empty or corrupt in some way.

The temperature, in my favorite experiences, is noted to be wildly incorrect. It's freezing cold. It's burning hot. It's not even remotely the temperature you'd expect an office building full of humans to be.

At first, this leans into this desire to reach a destination, ANY destination. Maybe you can't find the way OUT but maybe you can find out "The Truth"? Maybe if you keep going and going and going you can figure out why this place is LIKE this.

If a human made this space it had to be intentionally to torture people. How fucked up do you have to be to sink this many resources into doing something like this? How long did it take to make? Why did no one notice?

If a non-human intelligence made this space maybe you can find out WHY? Maybe... maybe they were trying their best but didn't realize how uncanny valley and dangerous it would be to a person? If no intelligence was behind it at all, maybe you can find out HOW? Maybe it's a reflection of our collective unconscious, or the planet mimicking the increasing amount of man-made works on itself? But as you continue on and on, as a real living human being in an impossible liminal space horror situation, you realize it doesn't matter how or why or when or any of the questions you dangled in front of yourself like a will-o-wisp driving you ever further in.

Because you realize you're going to die in here. Maybe it'll be the thirst. Humans can only go a few days without water. Maybe hunger will be what finally gets you. Its hard to tell how long you've been in here when any clocks you find in the hallways are all frozen to the same time and the sun hangs over the infinite highway like an immovable, swollen eye. But the hunger is ever present.

There's always exposure. Cold, hot, never anything between. How can you be freezing to death in an office hallway?

That isn't right. That isn't how it should be. Starving and freezing and dying of thirst is something that happens to people OUTSIDE civilization. It would make sense if you were lost in the woods but you can SEE sign after sign of civilization and other people for gods' sake!

How could this be happening? Why isn't anyone coming to help you?

And then we draw back, to you-who-is-consuming-this-fictional scenario. Because the point of horror is to get the person in the chair riled up, not just the character within the fictional premise.

Are you thinking about how often people starve and freeze and die of thirst in our own civilizations? Inches from the trappings of safety? With no help coming?

Are you thinking of how many desperate people navigate government mazes of plaster and brick and paper and online forms, driven forward by the hope of government aid or food stamps or HELP. How many people hunker down in a freezing subway or under a bridge on the highway or other public space knowing that no one SEES them because they're all transitioning from one space to another?

You probably aren't. Not directly. But we all know we're closer to freezing to death under a bridge or denied life-saving medical care in an office than we are to being a billionaire, right?

And there's something about that, deep in our gut, that resonates. That thread of reality in the safely fictional that keeps us coming back. Unable to articulate WHY but also thinking that liminal horror is somehow SCARIER than mere monsters. We all know that deadly predators are unlikely to get us. Adding a monster lets us move our too-real-fear to a safe target. And it's valid to want to do that! To decide spatial horror is too much, to want to thin it out like adding ranch dressing to a too-spicy chicken wing.

But that's why I think that the monsters are an artificial add on. And not a part of spatial horror.

[genderqueerdykes]

I’ve seen more and more people being affected by the pornbots in the trans tags. Does it annoy you too?

And just as a general check how are you doing?

that's actually a very good question- yes, it does

it's been happening to almost every queer tag but it's been particularly rough in the trans tags. trans people posting erotic photographs of themselves isn't something that bothers me, what bothers me is exactly what you mentioned, the bots. i can easily block certain tags to not see trans erotica but the porn bots just don't care

whenever i go into a tag like "trans" or "transgender" i'm looking to hear about others' experiences with being trans, look at some trans art, share other people's experiences and journeys with transition, and so on. i don't want to see random porn everywhere that has nothing to do with trans people especially. tumblr did not achieve anything in trying to ban porn because now its just everywhere again

and its not even good like at least in the past a lot of it was by trans people for trans people. now it's almost entirely scams. they existed before but they're way worse now. i report and block them whenever i'm able to but it's a nightmare. as someone on the asexual spectrum, but sex positive, i just don't want to see stolen images of random girls. again i don't mind if it's porn for and by trans people, especially because that can easily be blacklisted, but it's impossible to blacklist the porn bots because they don't play by the rules

trans porn is generally well tagged so that you can easily block that from showing up in your tag searches and dashboard, whereas the bots are trying to avoid getting blacklisted. it's frustrating. i'd rather people look at trans erotica instead, at least it would be on topic. this is just taking people's attention away from trans sex workers and it fucking sucks

also thank you for asking! i had to rest and drink a lot of fluids after the gastric emptying study yesterday. i have my consult for gallbladder removal surgery in 2 days, which i am looking forward to. i had no idea that was such a big issue, there were a lot of guesses being made before i finally got a CT scan. most doctors were humming and hawing about how my insurance "won't" pay for those scans... but it does. if they go about writing the referral and getting diagnostic information, my insurance pays for those types of scans. it's not just x-rays my insurance covers, but doctors assume it won't be covered due to me having insurance for very low income people (medicaid)

after surgery i'll have to talk to someone about my liver. i'm not sure how long i have to recover from gallbladder removal surgery, but we shall see. other than that i'm doing alright, just navigating the symptoms that's been causing most nights out of the week, reading some queer books i've borrowed from the library, talking with my neighbors, and resting. my neighbors are also disabled and are very kind, well, at least my immediate neighbors, and one at the end of the street, as well as an older guy who takes walks up and down the block very often. these people are all very kind. i like talking with them and hearing about their days.

i also give them any meat the food bank accidentally sends me which is good because i hate the idea of just throwing it out. i've been able to cook a lot of very nice meals lately now that i have some more pots and pans and cooking tools. i lost a lot of mine while moving but i finally have enough to cook reliably and more than one thing at a time :) i was given a lot of brown rice from the food bank because i can't eat meat and a lot of their items contained meat and i've found i like brown rice a lot, honestly more than white rice. it takes eons to cook but it's worth it, especially if you add soy sauce, sesame oil, or other seasonings into the water as it cooks

thanks for checking in! i appreciate you, take care

[aikoiya]

I just do not understand the insistence that animals must be sentient.

Because if they were, then why are the animals that kill other animals not labeled as murderers?

Hell, why aren't cats seen as malicious, mini, jigsaw killers considering how they play with their food. Why aren't ewes looked upon with disgust for often trampling orphaned lambs that a farmer tries to get them to adopt? Why aren't wolves seen as bullies for hunting in packs to kill prey? Why aren't dolphins more acknowledged for being effing rapists?

If you believe that animals are capable of reasoning, then that automatically makes all animals that eat meat into exactly what humans that eat meat are, thus they should be looked upon with every bit as much scorn as certain vegans look upon regular ass people. And it'd also mean that any animal that hunts is a murderer.

Hell, many animals are cannibals! In fact, plenty even eat the young of other animals or even their own young if they're so much as lacking in B12!

Literally! Mother hamsters are known to eat her own babies if she's put on an all-corn diet! They don't even have to be dying because of it!

You can't claim that animals are all sentient & then not hold them responsible for their actions! That's hypocritical! Because if these animals are sentient, then they are making the active decision to commit these actions & should be held acountable for them! Period!

Seriously, unless an animal is specifically an obligate herbivore, they will likely still eat meat given the chance!

And, whether you like it or not, animals are only as vegan as their options. As soon as times get tough for a deer, it's gonna be eyeing up any little Tweeties or Thumpers they come across. Same with horses, sheep, ect.

In fact, if animals are as deserving of life & respect as us, then doesn't that make having pets the same as slavery? And how do cat owners even justify feeding their pets? At least those that force their cats into a vegan lifestyle are being consistent even though they're abusing the poor things. Those cats aren't gonna live to be 10 years old on a diet like that & they'll be miserable the whole time.

Like, how do people twist their brains into so many directions just to justify their lifestyles??

Seriously, humans are so freaking unique within the animal kingdom. We are probably the only creatures who would do all this nonsense for the sake of critters that honestly don't give an eff.

Like, dude, whatever. You don't wanna eat meat, then don't. No skin off my brow. More brisket for me! But don't moralize your choice & don't demonize those who love a delicious steak.

Here's what some don't seem to understand; those animals are gonna die anyway, whether it's by the hand of man, a predator animal, sickness, or old age. Their days are numbered no matter what. And, quite frequently, they'll still get eaten. So, in the end, what's the difference if a sheep is eaten by a human or a buzzard or a coyote?

You didn't save that sheep's life. You only postponed the inevitable. Because if you're not the one who eats it, then someone or something else will. You cannot stop it.

And it's likely going to hurt regardless, so saying shit like "anything to reduce at least a little bit of the pain in the world" is just pure naiveté. You haven't reduced the pain in the world even a little. And in fact, considering how a lot of animals don't even care if their food is all-the-way dead as they're eating them, you could even say that that animal might end up experiencing even more pain than if they'd been killed by a human.

And that isn't even taking into account sickness or accidents! How do you know that that animal's last moments won't be spent in complete misery or abject fear??

Because one of the things about humans is that, for the most part, we prefer our food dead-dead before we eat it. And we intentionally go out of our ways to make death as painless a transition as possible, even for the animals we're gonna eat.

If we're gonna keep it 100, ya'll. Humans can be some of the gentlest, most merciful killers on earth.

Hell, we have laws against animal cruelty!

And, the thing is, animals... don't. Period. In fact, most don't make it to old age.

So, in the end, your efforts were meaningless.

[demisexual-in-distress]

Any *SHNIFFFFF* helluva and/or hazbin headcanons??? o-o

*AHEHEHEHEM* I CAN RANT YES UR SUMMONING MY INNER NERD (LONG) (SORRY THIS HAS BEEN ROTTING IN MY ASK BOX IVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR A WHILE NOW)

pls dont flop i spent way too many hours on this lol only doing 6 (six) from the main casts!!! And, sadly, no, Fizzarolli is not included, though I do love him dearly.

Helluva Headcanons:

Blitz:

frickin loves spirit

(saw this somewhere else not sure where) huge-ass horns scratch up his couch, hence the shitty tears

Makes sure to cherish Loona as much as possible on her bday bc of trauma from his childhood

Wants to be the parent possible to her also due to trauma (daddy issues :\)

Insecure about his scars :(

Lost Verosika because he adopted Loona in a last-ditch effort to save their relationship, but refused to get rid of her when V wasn't a fan

Eats anything and everything Brandon Rogers does (canon??) (such as cheese and hotsauce)

Told Barbie about his crush on Fizz before trying to tell Fizz himself

never grew out of bands he liked as a teen

Undiagnosed learning disabilites (dyslexia? he tries his best)

Poor education

(TW, S.A.) Stolas:

WATCHES EVERY TELENOVELA IN THE GODDAMN BOOK

Also enjoys musicals and constantly sings soundtracks while alone (projecting a bit)

Genuinely wants Via and Loona to hang out; wants some sort of father-daughter bond? with Loona, but isn't sure how to approach her

was verbally, physically, and sexually abused by Stella in their "relationship"

GREY'S ANATOMY

I think we all know this by now... Eyeliner.

Black sheep (canon?)

plays some sort of classical instrument idk (piano?)

PAINTS (happy little trees)

Big fan of Cruel Prince series yk

Big fan of fantasy in general

Nerds abt astronomy to Via

Adelle. No other words.

Wattpad user u can't convince me otherwise

Definitely neurodivergent

Millie:

Dyed Sallie Mae's hair when she transitioned, was a makeshift hairdresser for a little while (till Sal figured out how to do it herself)

Had a lot of pets as a child

Tries to stay in contact with all her siblings. Emphasis on tries.

Used to get homesick A LOT

Homeschooled

Ik it's a common one now, but babysat Loona while Blitz was in prison, leading to her and Moxxie meeting

THIS GURL CAN HANDLE HER DAMN DRINKS ‼️

Best homemade recipes by far

Has and will not hesitate to eat a bug once more

Very organized

Moxxie:

Likes to write

MUSICALS (canon) he loves phantom, les mis, and a gentleman's guide to love and murder (ahahhaem Bryce pinkham)

Has many hyperfixations! AUDHD

Loves kids, but gets overstimulated/overwhelmed when taking care of them

In severe need of validation due to trauma

Cat person

Out on a limb here but likes pottery

Bouncy leg stim yk

Panic! At the Disco led to his bi realization

Violinist just trust me

Loves mice for some odd reason

Gullible? Is that canon?

Can sketch pretty good!

Overwhelmed by loud noises and crowded spaces

Loona:

ACE SPECTRUM!!!!

Watches movies with blitz late at night as a tradition

Taught Blitz makeup tips for when he does his weird drag human disguise thing

follows 666 News on the hotel's strange journey

percussionistcore idk how else to say that

Knows EXACTLY how to deal with a hangover (ty blitz)

Social anxiety (might break this down in a seperate post cuz im in a ranty mood)

Has seen the show daria (or at least the hell version) (yall better kno wut im talking about)

Tries not to spend too much / is gentle with Blitz's bank account

Octavia:

Deep down, a sanrio girl is born

Nightcore bitches u already know

Very polarized when it comes to her relationship with stolas (canon?)

Has attempted to bring Stolas into her world - definitely shares her special interests with him, he tries his best to support

Plays at least ONE classical instrument bc she wanted to make Stolas proud :,) (never said she was good at it)

Very sheltered when it comes to Stolas and Stella's actual relationship toward each other

avid collector of taxidermy and other creepy things

She definitely knows those OG goth dances

Photography!!

Dr Martens do i have to say more

Hazbin Headcanons:

TW for Angel Dust and Niffty's (of all people), S.A. mentions.

Charlie:

YA sapphic romances!!!

Webtoon freak

Pinterest whore

Listens to Katy Perry + Hayley Kiyoko

Sanrio again!! Aggretsuko or Chococat r her favs

Can genuinely help people through tough times

Autism spectrum? a little out on a limb here, but she seems to have a hard time breaking down the psychology of sinning/sinners

Paints Vaggie's nails all the time

Vaggie was so her bi awakening; Seviathan and Vaggie were her only two relationships

CATS!!

LOVES Pixy Stix yk they're just straight up sugar

has a diary lol

ADHD

Vaggie:

feels so indebted to Charlie because of how much she took care of her after Falling

girl in red kind of sapphic

Struggles with self-worth

Definitely best exorcist girl on Adam's team

Lute was searching for a reason to get rid of her

brushes Charlie's hair idk

Candles. I don't know why

OPENS/CLOSES DOORS WITH THOSE HUGE ASS HIPS IDK ITS JUST RIGHT TO ME

Doesn't have the heart to tell Charlie when she's not fully correct on something

Origami

Wakes up at ungodly hours due to nightmares and anxiety, lock checks the hotel ALL THE TIME

honestly, tumblr user, silent reblogs

Alastor (sorry, most deal with his time alive):

Genuinely beginning to care for the hotel-- it scares him.

DADDY ISSUES + MOMMY ISSUES HE'S COLLECTED THEM ALL!!!!

Follow up: traumatic childhood

Mauled by dogs (is this still canon? Was this ever canon? DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER THAT???)

Knows the basics of technology, refuses to acknowledge it

Constantly playing jazz music from his radio in his room

Has a very vivid memory of his past, will not let himself forget it

Needs fucking glasses but that monocle don't do shit

Tea > coffee

Was convinced his asexuality was a flaw after being told so

Held onto Mimzy for the sake of nostalgia and memories of time alive

Insomniac

Nerd for jazz

Spoke some French as a child, though he isn't fluent

Husk's and Angel's get a bit detailed... I'm a slut for characters with such a vast possibility of headcanons

Husk (yeah I realize this won't make as much sense if you don't know all of his lore because of my obsession with him, I'll clarify what's already canon):

BLEEDS INTO ALASTOR, ALSO STRANGELY DETAILED: While alive, Husk played the saxophone professionally (canon). In his afterlife, as an overlord, he had one and continued to play bc us musicians r weird fucks who love to torture ourselves. Alastor knew he could play, and, being a jazz lover, LOVES that aspect of Husk. Just about the only thing he likes about him. Now, at the hotel, while he no longer plays, Alastor still brought his saxophone, which rots in Husk's closet.

Niffty's in his room ALL THE FUCKING TIME, it can't possibly get dirty

Doesn't make a mess to begin with--- husk hasn't personalized his room at all since he arrived, he doesn't know when Alastor will pull him out

Is used to that kind of travel anyways, since he did so much when he was alive (canon!!)

Never was that close to his parents-- they were busy with the (canon->) casino

Is (surprisingly) educated on LGBTQIA+ terms, labels, and knows about the most important landmark events in the community's history, he just prefers not to use labels for himself

Close to Niffty, has had conversations with her in Japanese (canonically speaks it) to prevent Alastor from understanding

Always wanted kids, knew he didn't have a stable enough life to have them and didn't want them to have a repeat of his own parents' absence in his childhood

MIXED RACE!! A bit of everything, I'd like to say

Had glasses when he was alive, where the fuck did they go in the afterlife

ACE SPECTRUM (previous post)!!! Demisexual & demiromantic (can u tell I'm projecting a lil???)

Hates KeeKee

Hates large crowds + loud noises, idk it speaks to me, especially with those big ass ears

I don't fully lean towards him being neurodivergent, though I do believe that Husk likes to have something to do with his hands as a form of stimming, if that makes sense

Alone most of his life

(TW, S.A.) Angel Dust (a lot of when he was alive):

Lived with Molly while alive

Was disowned when he got the courage to come out to his dad, fell out of the mafia and had to make a living for the first time ever

Wanted to be an actor, never got casted (while alive) due to being queer

Valentino romanticized his career, making him believe that he wouldn't always be the actor that he is

Career was also romanticized by the fact that he was finally accepted as gay

Performed in drag at gay bars

Borrowed dresses, makeup, other "feminine" things/accesories from Molly, who had a similar style

Isn't as up-to-date with technology and modern things as he seems to be

Tries to cover up both (slight) italian and New York(er?) accent, fails miserably

Had fish while alive (canonically loves fish lol)

Brother + father didn't attend his funeral

Met Cherri very close to when she arrived in Hell

learns more about media and pop culture from Cherri

Originally was in something like a relationship with Val, but it was more of S.A. than consenting sex after a while. When he began to disagree, this showed more prominently.

I don't have anything for Niffty except for one thing, so trigger warning once more. I believe that Niffty came from an immigrant family from Japan—half white. In the 50s, housewives got a bit stir-crazy from all the work they did, leading to hysteria, anxiety, depression, and other issues. In some situation where leaving the house was necessary, I believe one or multiple guys, possibly older, attempted to sexually assault Niffty. Asian girls, such as myself, that look like that "stereotypical" East Asian, young, small, etc., are fetishized. Niffty must've been little, judging by her form, and she was also an immigrant, and also a WOMAN—seen as lesser. In self-defense, she killed him (or all of them? I'm leaning toward it being multiple), having had enough. She was soon diagnosed with the housewife syndrome and lobotomized, meaning they gave her SEVERE brain damage, hence her twisted mind in the afterlife.

Overall, Niffty is a character that we don't know much about yet. Of course I'll write my own story over that. Playing with fandoms is just what I do. :) While I do genuinely believe the part about her being lobotomized will become canon, the rest is, again, just something that's been brewing in my head for a while. Maybe I'll incorporate it in my own writing, who knows?

I wanna see other headcanons in the reblogs and replies :D If this does well, I always have more!

[strwberri-milk]

Hallohallo i love the way you write zhongli so im here to req him once again😼😼

Father figure!Zhongli with teen reader whose like half doll!! She behaves and acts like a human, has emotions and 5 senses just with doll joints ykyk. How would he like take care and raise her from when she was a todler? >:3

im ngl im really stuck on the whole "doll that can grow" bc the puppets we do have in genshin (scara) just kinda. spawned in and stayed the same age but like honestly overall as a parent i think he doesnt gaf about what you are so its gonna be p short bc of that - i dont want to write the same things over and over so thats also a contributing factor!! I probably wont be writing anymore dad!li hcs after this just because i think ive covered most bases and theres nothing else i can add to the conversation unless theres like. a wildly diff hc that i can think up just as a heads up <333

He wouldn't treat you any differently, honestly. The fact that you're a doll doesn't really miff him - the fact that you're growing does. He doesn't quite understand how that's happening and would honestly be concerned and confused. Does this mean you have more human traits than he thought? He was expecting to have to take care of a toddler puppet his entire life and just see what sorts of things you can learn to see if he can help you mature emotionally if not physically.

If it seems like you're just following normal development, joints accommodating your growth then he'll just assume that this is something that your body is prepared for. If your body isn't accommodating your growth then he'll reach out to doctors and puppet makers alike, seeing what he can do to make the transition easier. Most likely he'd have to use some sort of magic to help the non human parts of your body grow along with the rest of you.

At the end of the day you behave exactly like a person so he won't treat you any differently. He's always there to be your mentor and support you, offering a listening ear to you and helping you be the best you can be. He can't understand all the nuances of growing up but he can find people to help you, wanting to support you as best he can.

[elvenbeard]

OC INTERVIEW: Vincent "V" Ezaki

Tagged by: @pinkyjulien @chevvy-yates @wraithsoutlaws and @v-eats-bugs thank you so much!!! <3

I'm gonna steal the idea some of you had and let him answer in character, but I'm gonna put some more context (and/or the truth xD) after Vince's reply where I see fit!

Tagging everyone who sees this and hasn't been tagged yet :3c I think most of you have done this at this point, but do please tag me if you do, I wanna read about your blorbos!!

■ NICKNAME ■ "Just 'V'."

100% going with the "only people that know me really well can use my real name" canon, because I love that scene and moment so much (and the lil nod to it again in the Tower Ending with Johnny ;_;). In my hc, Jackie gave him the nickname "V" on the day they met. Up until then he had always insisted on the full "Vincent" with everyone, and Jackie was the one to urge him to be careful with whom he shares his full identity. Meanwhile it's the other way around and "Vincent" is reserved for friends only... and "Vince" exclusively for Kerry really xD

■ GENDER ■ "Could say I'm a self-made man." ;)

This highly depends on who is asking the question here, if it's a very casual setting he'd say the above, if it's something to go into a screamsheet or whatnot he'd be more like "well, take a wild fuckin' guess" or just "male". He doesn't hide the fact he's trans, and he's proud of his journey and identity, but it's still not something he'd want to publically discuss with strangers without anything to gain from it.

■ STAR SIGN ■ "Gemini I think, but I gotta say, astrology isn't exactly something I have deep knowledge or opinions about."

He celebrates his birthday June 10th, but his real birthday in in September, so he's actually a Libra xD

■ HEIGHT ■ "5'6."

■ ORIENTATION ■ "Sorry ladies." ;)

Again, highly contextual on who is asking, and depending on that his answer might be more evasive or he'd just decline to answer. The less details about his private life are in the public's eye the better. But if the context is a fun night out with friends and he feels safe, he'd definitely give a more cheeky response and, to not get anyone's hopes up, just straightforward let them know he's gay.

■ NATIONALITY/ETHNICITY■ "Born and raised in Night City and a proud citizen ever since."

He doesn't talk about his family because he's cut ties with them long ago. His mother, Marcella, was also from Night City, your average NUS citizen with mixed European heritage. His father, Kousuke, was Japanese. He and Vince's mother met through work for a certain corporation that wasn't necessarily welcome in NC at the time (but I bet my ass still very much present in one way or another).

■ FAVE FRUIT ■ "When I was a kid, I once had daifuku with real, straight-from-the-ground strawberries. Somewhere way out there on the Japanese countryside, couldn't tell you where exactly anymore. Still got no idea where they even got the strawberries from, but no RealFruit ever matched those."

■ FAVE SEASON ■ "Don't think I have a real preference here, 'specially cause Night City's warm all year round. I like it that way. Could do with less sandstorms though. I like it when it rains now and then, the steam on the asphalt, everything is just... quieter, in a way."

■ FAVE FLOWER ■ "One made from plastic."

Vince doesn't have a green thumb and no mind to care for plants either. He's far from an outdoorsy, nature-loving person XD Do not gift him flowers, he will not know what to do with them. That being said though: he has two big stylized lotus flowers tattooed. The first one he got shortly before he left his home, when he began his transition. The second after his top surgery, when he already worked for Arasaka, as a reminder to stay true to himself on the inside, especially whenever he couldn't outwardly. He just likes the lotus aesthetically, the shapes and symmetry, and that it symbolizes rebirth and transformation.

■ FAVE SCENT ■ "Clean bedsheets and freshly brewed green tea."

And the odd mix of Kerry's overpriced bodywash and favourite cigarettes XD

■ COFFEE, TEA, HOT CHOCOLATE ■ "Yes, in that order please. Coffee with milk and sugar, tea is fine just plain, green or black."

He's definitely more of a coffee than a tea drinker, and whatever it is, it's gotta be a little fancy xD Vince is the kind of person with a long-ass signature order at the coffee shop, and I 100% see him loving bubble tea in any combination and variation in existence. The only time he drinks his coffee black is when he accidentally orders "the same as him" in a moment of distraction at Caliente's with Kerry. But tea he occasionally likes just plain, but then it has to be high quality organic real tea leaves. Hot chocolate is a nice special treat, too.

■ AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP ■ "Even in my line of work a regular sleep schedule is possible - and necessary, to stay sharp. I try to get my 7 hours of sleep in."

The somewhat regular sleep schedule is really something he values and tries to stick to, although the Relic and Johnny's presence really mess it up for a long while. But especially because his lack of sleep while working at Arasaka contributed to him developing a drug addiction to cope with the stress and sleep-deprivation it's something he doesn't want to fall back into.

■ DOG OR CAT PERSON ■ "Defintiely cats."

■ DREAM TRIP ■ "I'd like to return to Japan one day for a short vacation - see if I can find that daifuku shop again, haha. Would also love to visit Europe more extensively than what I've seen of it so far. And, who knows, maybe the Crystal Palace one day."

And the Phillipines with Kerry <3

■ FAVE FICTIONAL CHARACTER ■ "Ooohhh, that's a hard question, let me think for a moment... [insert long analysis of different movie and video game characters and why they're good or bad and why he likes them or not]"

Evading this a little bit because I don't wanna dive into a rabbit hole of seeing what canonical fictional characters there are and why Vince might like them or not xD He is a big nerd and a gamer and knows so much more than I do XD Also, he'd 100% be the kind of person who's rooting for the evil guys, because often their motivations and goals are much more complex and interesting than the "hero's" in his eyes xD and he's fascinated by the concept that they're doomed to lose by the narrative usually (because the good guys usually win), but still fight tooth and nail to achieve their goals and safe their own skin. He can relate to that a lot more than the selfless goodie-two-shoes who just want to save the world and make it a better place.

■ NUMBER OF BLANKETS THEY SLEEP WITH ■ "In this weather one is more than enough. Sometimes none is better."

■ RANDOM FACT ■ "It takes around 7 seconds for someone to form a solid first impression of you in a face-to-face conversation. It takes my Kiroshis' scanners half as long to additionally supply me with all the data on you I need to permanently ruin your life for good."

[amaranthsynthesis]

Underdark drow sex culture has a lot of really different assumptions than the surface world. (Ex-the socially dominant group is going to often be the receptive partner during sex. Idk where that would go exactly, but I can't see them coming to the same conclusions as the surface world or ours.)

Obviously, Ballard was dealing with a lot at the time (burning of house + social transition) but I was wondering how the culture change affected him beyond 'oh boy, that's some racism'?

I know the joke about DND and the forgotten realms lore is 'some guy was really weird and horny about this set dressing so that's why it's Like That' and unfortunately. I'm on board with the guys who were weird and horny about Drow. In a modern, transgay informed way, but also I will admit I think it's a fun sexy little sandbox and I'm in there chewing on my plastic shovel. I've got some notes and some passages jotted down for both the repro horror fic and the vaguely meandering Imton memories, I'd love to got more properly into it some time to be honest.

The lecture on procreation and reproduction made him feel cold and small, blood-blood-blood beating in his ears as they showed him a picture of a woman atop a man, taking his penis inside of her. They told him how she took her pleasure from him, that that was his role―seed and service. It had dawned on him in horror that he was more than he thought. Not a child, not a knife, but one of these adults-in-the-making, like the illustrated woman with her broad hips and heavy breasts and strong, defined shoulders. Like the guardswomen. Like the Matron Mother. The narrow man in the illustration, the lithe consorts he had glimpsed only a handful of times in their draping finery and painted faces… it wasn’t him, it was for him.  He unfocused his eyes and watched without seeing everything else they showed him, tired of it all, letting the diagrams and words blur so he would simply not have to think about them any further.

I think moving up to the surface as he traveled to Baldur's Gate was in a lot of ways a step back into the familiar! Being read as male aboveground afforded him, if not to quite the same extent, the same level of basic respect and autonomy he had been used to as the heir presumptive of House Halvyriin. At the same time, trying to emulate the type of masculinity that he was used to seeing and appreciating from a distance--as decoration, as performance, as something effete and dainty--was going to evoke a very different response. In the same way that I think Faerun isn't past sexism, I don't think it's fully escaped homophobia either. So, yes, Ballard can be a man, can be greeted as a man and exist as one, but not as the kind he'd like to be, and he has to trade that precious/beautiful/treasured masculinity for some butch attempt at camaraderie, to stave off any kind of hostile attentions.

In the same way that he could more than take care of himself in the Underdark, as an unprotected male, responding to harassment with violence draws too much attention. He's already viewed as effeminate and weak and duplicitous, just for being an elf and a drow, specifically--he has to make some decisions about how else to display himself to make the journey to the Gate as smooth as possible. I think it becomes second nature so quickly that it takes year for him to remember it wasn't always his intention.

[dr-futbol-blog]

Instinct, Pt. 3

The following morning we find McKay looking morose out on what seems to be the main thoroughfare of the village, sighing deeply to himself. Even if something had happened the previous night, neither of them seem exactly happy about it. McKay seems especially put out, and since by the looks of the previous scene Sheppard would have been the one to instigate, whether McKay is unhappy to have been able to tell Sheppard no, for a change, or to have failed in the task, this is where they are now.

McKay appears to be loading his clip with bullets or making sure that it is filled with bullets when he is approached by a young boy, and this is not unrelated to the way Sheppard looked at him the previous night when Goran had mentioned losing his son. While McKay is undoubtedly frustrated, apprehensive about the upcoming mission to take down a wraith and possibly feeling upset about something that had or had not happened between himself and Sheppard during the night, we should nonetheless appreciate the fact that this child felt that McKay was safe enough for him to approach. Something about McKay made the child feel safe.

McKay: What?

It is also not nothing that McKay chooses to engage the boy when there was no need for him to do that, and most men preparing for a dangerous mission loading up their weapon probably would not even have noticed that there was a child watching them. But McKay pays attention to the child and even inquires as to why the boy is watching him. We have no reason to assume that if the boy had been in some kind of trouble or lost that McKay would not have tried to help him. But the boy is merely curious, and it isn't Ronon with his sword or Teyla with her gentle demeanor that the boy approaches with his curiosity, it is McKay. Note that Sheppard is actually watching McKay from close by as this is taking place.

Local boy: Is it true? You're going to hunt the Daimos? McKay: It looks that way. Local boy: I heard it has two heads, and can turn you to stone just by looking at you!

While McKay is visibly upset, his upset has nothing to do with this boy or the fact that the boy approached him. It is likely McKay would not have engaged him in the first place unless he welcomed the distraction from the gut-wrenching fear he was trying to keep at bay.

The boy seems very sweet and his hair-colour matches McKay's, so it would be easy for someone watching from the sidelines, like Sheppard, to picture him as resembling the way McKay's son might look like. Now, the description of the Daimos is interesting here in how later on the wraith ends up being a metaphor for non-straight youth, for both Sheppard and McKay in the transitional period between childhood and being an adult. And they both certainly seem to have the power to make the other rock hard just by looking at them, if Sheppard's demeanor in the tavern the previous night is anything to go by. Also, even if Sheppard had not been paying attention to what was happening on the street, he certainly would after McKay speaks the word 'look,' since Sheppard seems to have a conditioned response to look at McKay when ever the word is spoken.

McKay: Well, you heard wrong. Local boy: My uncle says it'll come and take me if I don't do my chores.

The boy tells McKay that his uncle is the one keeping discipline on him, and McKay seems to fail to grasp the implications of this. It is likely the boy's father has been taken by the wraith and he may be an orphan, but certainly is fatherless. And it is being in want of the father or a parental figure that made him approach McKay.

Given the kind of childhood McKay has had, that he probably had to take care of his little sister at a young age, we might have expected him to be sympathetic toward the boy. The boy also mentions doing chores and how his feelings of safety and security are depended on him completing his chores, and this is something that McKay might well have recognized. But we can tell by the gesture he makes to Sheppard, standing to the side, spreading his arms wide, that his mood has everything to do with Sheppard and not being annoyed at this boy as such. He is performing for Sheppard. He is trying to project like he is ready for the field, that he is professional enough to take this mission seriously, and here this child is trying to make him look like the big softy that he really is.

McKay: He said that, huh? Well then, if we get rid of it, you've got nothing to worry about. You'll never have to do chores ever again. Local boy: Really?!

While McKay has a big heart and children seem to be feel safe around him, he is not a patient man and keeping discipline is not one of his strengths (and hence is a task that his co-parent might do well to excel in). And yet telling a little boy that he is going to take care of the monster under his bed so that he will never ever have to do chores again is very likely the best thing this child has ever heard in his life.

Now, McKay is trying to get rid of the boy because they are preparing for a dangerous mission and he is barely keeping himself together here, but note that the boy starts following him like a baby duckling that had just imprinted on its mother. If McKay did not tell him to scram, it is likely the boy would have wanted to follow them into the woods even. While McKay may be trying to get rid of a distraction, at the same time he is engaging the boy in a way that clearly makes him want to seek further contact with him. We cannot say that McKay is precisely thinking about what is best for the boy, but he is still making sure that he stays out of harm's way here.

McKay: Yes., look... Go away! What?!

Interesting here is that we see Ronon and Teyla's reactions to McKay's performance with the child. There seems to be silent judgements in the way they look at him when he tells the boy to scram. We get only a brief shot of Sheppard's face after the whole thing is over and done with, and his face is at the very edge of the frame so as not to draw the attention of the viewer. The viewer's attention is meant to be on Teyla and Ronon, in their reaction to McKay.

We can see that McKay says the exasperated "What?!" to Ronon and Teyla specifically, since the two of them seem to be judging him just as much as he is judging himself for how he handled the situation. But then we see his gaze shift to Sheppard, and Sheppard seems to be looking back at him. Sheppard turns to watch the boy go and he looks to be amused by what he had just been observing. It is even possible that a part of McKay's frustration had been generated by Sheppard's amusement and "Go on, you're doing great!" expressions from the sideline.

Goran: As far as we know, no one was taken last night, but it will strike... and soon. Dex: We'll kill it before that happens. Sheppard: You must be great at parties.

Sheppard leaves for the hunt saying that someone must be great at parties but it is not actually clear whether he meant this for Ronon or for McKay (or if he knew himself which one he was saying it to). On the face of it, because Ronon is in the same frame as Sheppard and Sheppard's line follows directly from Ronon's, it might be assumed that he meant it for Ronon. The man seems to be direct, to the point, and with not much of a sense of humour, so Sheppard's line can be interpreted as a sarcastic quip meant to communicate to Ronon that he might want to lighten up a little. But then again, Sheppard looks at McKay twice as he says this, even wags his brows the first time as though he is sharing a moment with McKay, and he seems to step right into McKay's personal space as they leave the village. Again half of the story is being obscured to us. We know where McKay is standing during this scene but we cannot see him.

And even if Sheppard was saying to Ronon that he must be great at parties, by looking at McKay he was also implying the same to be true of McKay. He must be a hoot, especially at children's parties, being such a curmudgeon. But another layer it is that even this is projection on Sheppard's part. He is making a sarcastic quip to cover up for the fact that watching McKay with the boy made him feel both soft and warm and hollow and cold inside, at the same time. He would never admit even to himself that a family is something that he wants so desperately that he is afraid to even dream about it, that he knows he can never have. It is denied to him, and so even to entertain that kind of thoughts would only serve to hurt him. But McKay is good with children. Together they might be even better, having complementary strengths and weaknesses. But opening that door in his mind would only lead to a world of pain, so the best he can do is to use sarcasm to acknowledge it.

As they then trek through the woods, we see that Ronon has taken point, which is only natural given his expertise with the wraith, and Teyla is keeping rear behind McKay. McKay is further sandwiched between Sheppard and Teyla, as Sheppard seems to be keeping himself close to McKay and shielding him from anything that might come at them if Ronon did manage to wrack the wraith down.

When they were tracking through the woods in Condemned (S02E05), Sheppard had reminded them to keep quiet and McKay had interpreted Sheppard as meaning it for him specifically, even though Sheppard had probably intended it for each and every one of them bar Teyla. And yes, Sheppard had included himself in the group of people that needed to remember to stay quiet because he has real trouble not engaging with McKay. And here, they probably should be keeping very, very quiet since they are hunting for something that does not want to be found and making noise is just going to alert it to their presence. And yet we find McKay and Sheppard walking side by side, chatting with each other. And it is not McKay talking Sheppard's ear off and Sheppard listening to him as his long-suffering team leader, they are both full on having a conversation like they are on a Sunday stroll in the park.

McKay: We're talking about a hundred square miles of forest, here. Sheppard: Be patient. Ronon's been going up against the wraith, one-on-one, for the last seven years. If anyone can track this thing, it's him.

The fact that they are both culprits in making noise is underscored by McKay's "We're talking," because that they certainly are. Sheppard is talking in a low voice but it seems to be more in the interest of keeping their conversation private than it is to keep them from alerting anyone in the forest, because it is not nearly low enough for them to be stealthy. Also, relevant for later (with regards to him crotch-blocking Weir again) is the fact that while Sheppard is right handed and hence is carrying his weapon in his right hand, he does not usually carry his weapon like this. It seems like he has lifted the weapon up because he wants there to be nothing between McKay and his... precision missile. The most vulnerable part of his anatomy. This, once more, is not a conscious act on his part.

And note that as they walk, they are slightly turned toward each other although now, unlike previously, it is McKay twisting himself into a pretzel to be able to look at Sheppard as they walk. McKay actually turns all the way around and comes to a stop in front of Sheppard, walking backwards for a few steps just to be able to look at Sheppard which also is something we have seen Sheppard do with him previously. Further, Sheppard does not sound exasperated with McKay. He is telling McKay to be patient in order to make him feel better, to ease McKay's discomfort knowing that he is outside of his comfort zone here in the deep dark woods. Especially given his previous experience of trekking through the woods and almost getting killed by Ford in Runner (S01E03).

McKay: And exactly how is he going to do that, huh? Dex: It helps to have good hearing!

This is a very interesting scene. Ronon lets them know that he has very good hearing. Ronon lets them know that he could overhear their entire conversation of which we, as the audience, could only hear the tail-end. It seemed like the two of them had been talking for a while, and they had both been under the impression that they were having a private conversation, elsewhy Sheppard probably would not have referred to Ronon's seven years with the wraith so casually. Turns out, not so much. Now while Sheppard does not answer McKay's question here verbally, probably thinking that Ronon's comment is answer enough, nor does he in any way react to Ronon for what he said, it is not that Sheppard is quiet here. He does respond to McKay, he does make a clear comment to McKay, but he once more does it only using his face. He is using that wordless communication between them.

We see McKay's eyes widen as he realizes that Ronon could overhear them, and had probably been able to overhear them the previous night as well, whether or not they had been engaged in activities that neither of them wanted anyone to overhear, and he seems to panic. Yes, Ronon had caught him--them, let us not diminish Sheppard's culpability in this, as he was the one to mention Ronon by name and bring him in on their conversation in the first place-- talking about him behind his back. But it is Sheppard's reaction to this and to McKay's obvious "Oh shit!" face that is rather revealing.

Sheppard looks at Mckay while tilting his head in a warning "Now look at what you've done!" expression, as though he himself had not so obviously have been the more amorous one of the two last night, looking at McKay like he actually wanted to lick him just using his eyes while they were seated at the table. What ever they had done, Sheppard had instigated it. And what ever they had done, he was blaming McKay for having made him make noise doing it. Even as he gives McKay this look, he is very much kicking himself for allowing this to happen. They needed to be more careful than this. If McKay is looking panicked, Sheppard seems to feel like they are well and truly fucked and as ever, he is externalizing that feeling, he is projecting it on McKay.

McKay: Right! Carry on!

Now, Sheppard smacks McKay on the back of the head, and let us not diminish this. It is an act of violence, and it is not the only time Sheppard does this. He may have issues with his liberal use of physical violence that may possibly be understood given his chosen profession but for which he might need to seek some professional help. He could probably discuss this over in therapy and become a better adjusted person if he recognized that he has a problem. It is not right for him to do this, and this sure as heck is not the behaviour of a team leader toward a team member, of colleagues working together. That gesture? The only thing that gives him the right is an intimate relationship between them. The only thing that explains him taking the liberty to put his hand on McKay in this fashion is that he has also done it in other ways, in other modes. We get to see this where we rarely get to see other types of touches between them but this is nonetheless revealing of the physical aspect of their relationship.

It is also interesting that in order to be able to smack McKay, Sheppard actually has to switch his weapon into his other hand. He was walking with the weapon in his right hand with his finger on the actual trigger of the weapon and so, in order to free his right hand, he had to hold the weapon with his left to be able to thwack McKay as he passes him. And it is curious that he goes through the trouble of doing this because if he had used his left hand that was free, if he had reached out for McKay with his left hand, McKay would have been caught within the span of his arms. His left hand being non-dominant and with less co-ordination, an attempt to thwack might have very easily turned into a caress instead, and that was precisely what he was trying to avoid.

Yes, he needed to touch McKay. He needed to feel him with his hand. And if we interpret this in the light of what happened at the end of the previous episode, we might interpret Sheppard as still being mad at McKay (and it is very likely that McKay himself does interpret it in this light). But again, Sheppard was never mad at McKay. He was externalizing what he was feeling toward himself. No part of this is Sheppard being sick and tired with McKay, done with his antics, or him harboring some suppressed resentment for him. They were having a perfectly normal if intimate conversation before they got caught. And Sheppard's reaction here has everything to do with the fact that they had been caught doing something that they were not supposed to get caught doing. It is a warning both to himself and to McKay. It is meant to impress the point so far as to carve the memory into both of their bodies not to be so careless about this.

And yet, McKay may not interpret this the way Sheppard intends it. Given his childhood, the possibility that there had been some physical abuse in his childhood environment, this type of intimate partner violence would make him feel unsafe (and since people often treat others the way they have been treated, it also invites us to wonder whether this was something Sheppard himself had experienced as a child). Even if he did understand where Sheppard was coming from, experiencing this at the hands of someone that he is trying to learn how to trust with his life, to make himself vulnerable for, is not conducive of this aim.

McKay does look very upset as he turns to follow Sheppard, and much more than the physical sting of it, since it was really not that hard that Sheppard thwacked him, is the humiliation of it. Getting smacked like an errant child in front of the people he works with is embarrassing. And the worst part of it is, he feels like he deserves it. He feels like he deserves it right now for having failed to keep Sheppard's confidence, and he feels like he deserves it because as far as he understood it, he is still having to prove himself to Sheppard to get out of the doghouse for what happened with the Ancient weapon. He had screwed up royally and he needed to do better, he needed to be on his best behaviour. Like he told Sheppard at the end of the previous episode, he supposes he deserved that. But what Sheppard really wanted was for someone to smack him upside the head. In hurting others, we hurt ourselves.

Continued in Pt. 4