#and there isn't exactly a way to transition to take care of it

[sandyca5tle]

Slimeshifter HRT - Month 3(/28)

Well, hello again, I’m back after what feels like ages (even if it’s only been a couple months), but instead of Slime HRT I’m bringing you Shapeshifter/Polymorph HRT (not sure which I’m going with, Shapeshifter’s what I default to, but Polymorph is a more technical name (also seen ‘Omnimorph’ thrown around, but not really a fan of that myself) we’ll see how it shakes out). 

Before I get into my new changes tho, I’ve actually got some life updates: We got a job! In Hyper City of all places. It’s not very glamorous or anything, it’s just cleaning/washing up glasses and stuff, but it pays the bills - turns out that, with the control I’ve learnt over my acidity, I can actually clean things like that very well, just kinda melt all of the dirt and grime off, and eat it up. It can take a little while to do it, since I have to be careful not to damage the glasses, but I’ve gotten really good at it, and it’s helped my acid control too, so win-win there, not to mention with additional limbs I can then polish multiple of the glasses at once (although only like, two at a time, otherwise it’s hard to quality control)

On top of the new job, I also got a place to live in Hyper City too, just a simple apartment for myself. It doesn’t make the commute that much different, but it lets me deal with a few less weird looks from people, and I can be nosy at all the cool things here, not to mention it makes attending appointments just that bit easier too. Not to mention I can meet my friends and partner easier here too - it being only like a twenty minute trip from anywhere on Earth makes it an amazing meet up point.

Anyways, on with the transition update!

Unfortunately there’s really not much to say at this point, it being early on and stuff, much like with the start of my Slime HRT, but I have been paying very close attention and trying to spot anything that seems off, so I have a few things to talk about.

First thing, and honestly I’m not sure if this is the tail end of Slime HRT or the beginning of Shapeshifter HRT, but I feel very connected to my whole body. Now, I say I’m not exactly sure which transition this is exactly, because Slime HRT definitely kinda removed the distinction between body parts, at least as humans understand it as I only really have two now - my core, and my slime - so everything I make with my slime is just part of that, which definitely led to a greater sense of wholeness and connection to my body (also y’know, the whole feeling more comfortable in my goo helps). But this is new, it’s like I almost kinda know what each part of my body is doing - which I know sounds weird to say, like ofc I know what my body’s doing, it’s my body - but to use a human analogy, humans don’t know what their organs are up to 98% of the time, other than hoping they’re doing their job, so it’s kinda like if a human knew that for certain? The line’s a lot blurrier with slime biology, but idk, it feels more like my mind properly extends all throughout my body, rather than just being in a centralised location, even if (I think) I know  it’s all stored in my core. 

This change has both improved my dexterity - being able to more keenly feel any limb or extension I make makes it a lot easier to have fine motor control - and also improved my ability to alter my shape, hence why I think it might be a part of the Shapeshifter HRT, but either way, being able to feel every inch of my body has certainly helped with perfecting shapes - I can actually make my slime kinda sharp now! Although it’s still made of goo, so it isn't great at cutting things, but it’s a bit sharper than my previous attempts, so progress!

The other thing that’s helped with shapeshifting, and that I’m fairly certain is the Shapeshifting HRT, is that I’ve noticed my body has gotten, well, less viscous, more fluid. It’s been a little awkward, as I’ve gotten used to a certain level of solidity, and while I can change it back to normal if I focus, at the moment I’m stuck being a little less cohesive than I’ve gotten used to, which has led to a couple instances where I’ve suddenly ended up a bit, or a lot, more puddley than normal, which is both inconvenient and embarrassing. Fortunately I’m very adept at reforming myself, so it’s no worse than tripping over your feet and ending up on the floor, but it still sucks that I’m having to deal with it again. But hey, the benefit is that it makes it much easier to alter my shape, and I’ve been loving the increased fluidity, even if it has made shapes harder to hold… have had to be careful with my wings, since there’s less structure to hold them up and in shape, which sucks a little, especially as I’ve had to forgo them once or twice. 

As another annoyance to this is that it also makes me occasionally leave slime behind me when I walk, or otherwise move, which both sucks from a cleanliness perspective and a mass retention one, although the former is much more of an issue than the latter, particularly in the new apartment.

The other main thing I’ve noticed since starting is that…. argh it’s hard to describe, it’s like a new understanding of… things? Like when I look at something I’m automatically picking out more little details about their shape, and the same when I pick something up. I’ve found myself idly staring at things, or rolling them around in my hand, or engulfing them in my slime (mostly without dissolving anything), and just picking out all the details in them, sometimes mimicking cool shapes I notice either at the time or later. It’s kinda weird, it’s like a whole extra bit of information on top of the normal sense. It’s actually helped a lot with my job, since i can feel any imperfections be they dirt or scratches in the glass much more easily that i might have otherwise

Between that and the greater connectivity to my body, I’ve been dealing with a lot more sensory information, primarily with touch, but a little with the other senses too. This has all led to some bouts of sensory overload, which have been…. unpleasant to say the least (it’s an overload for a reason), and it’s particularly hard to block it out when it’s touch - ever tried not touching anything? Fortunately if I limit how much I do touch when it happens, as well as other stimuli, I can recover, but it is distinctly unfun…

But asides from those issues it’s been overall chill with these early changes, and frankly the improved altering of my shapes has been a great change.

As a quick note, separate from my latest transition, I’m very curious about how I’m storing all the mass I have - I mean, I can eat and eat, and I don’t gain any size unless I want to (and I know that sounds like boasting - and I guess it is a little, but not like that), but like, I have eaten some really big things when i’ve had the chance, and there’s been no change - I don’t even weigh more, or at least, nowhere near as much as I should for what I’m eating. I can go from my 4’4” self to the size of my apartment block, maybe even taller now, and I don’t become some kind of super dense slime when I’m small.  I’ve hypothesized before that I think it’s stored in my core, since I really started noticing this once that had formed, but there’s too much to just be stored in there, and again, the density would be an issue too, I should have started making some kind of way towards becoming a black hole or something. I’ll send an actual message to the company that supplies my medication to ask about this, see if they know anything about it, because honestly, I’d like to know what’s going on and also, if it’s some kind of weird timelord bigger-on-the-inside deal, that’d be really interesting - not to mention it could be really useful if it’s something we could learn to replicate with technology or something. So yeah, hopefully we can find out more about that if only to satiate our curiosity.

So yeah, that’s the first update for Shapeshifter HRT! Hopefully I’ll actually get to do some proper shapeshifting by the next time I post but until then: See ya!

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Well, here we go, Slimeshifter HRT, and I've got some plans for this next 'season' of this story hehehe, so hope you'll look forward to that hehe. Also wanna add a little something here about @ayviedoesthings 's Dragon HRT and @welldrawnfish 's Fish HRT having ended soon, given that they were some of the first to start writing their stories, and inspired so many of the rest of us to start our own, which has led to a wonderful community where we've made a bunch of wonderful new friends. So sad to see their series each wrapping up, but thankful to them both (and the others who started all this of course) for bringing us all together by lighting the spark that created this awesome community. And on a more individual note, this all also encouraged me to actually start posting my writing, something I'd never done before, let alone maintained a project this long, so I'm really glad to have had this inspiration to actually do this, which has also lead me to putting other (shorter) pieces up as well, and all in all that's been wonderful too, so yeah, really happy for all of that. So yeah, thanks to everyone who started this, and to all the new friends who are a part of this community and who've helped me in writing all this hehe. First - Prev - Next Previous Side Story - Two of One

Tags List under cut (Let us know if ya wanna be added)

@calliecwrites, @friedsputnik, @now-entering-the-goop-zone, @scrubbinn, @lilacinthefog,

@mint-and-authoress, @losttodreams, @redroversendjayover, @ariathelamia, @kanithecatdemon

[uncle-fruity]

As a person who frequently posts in the transandrophobia tag about the issues trans men have to deal with, let me be explicitly clear:

I want you to do what is right for you.

I'm honestly not concerned about your transition, your detransition, or otherwise nuanced state of transness. I speak about the struggles trans men & mascs often experience, not to discourage anyone from transitioning, but rather to educate and arm you with knowledge. It is harder to stand up for yourself when you can't even recognize when you're being wronged. It's harder to stand up for yourself when you think your systemic troubles are actually just personal failings, or when you don't have the language to express what's happening to you. It's harder to stand up for yourself when no one else seems to be interested in standing up for you and you aren't sure if anyone else would even care that you're hurting. I speak about transandrophobia because I think the community as a whole needs more awareness and compassion for trans men & mascs & our issues. There is absolutely nothing I talk about that demands anyone change their identity or their transition plans. Fundamentally, I believe in bodily autonomy -- the right to do what you want with your own body. This is a core belief of transfeminism, and by extension, a core belief of transandrophobia theory.

We absolutely cannot allow the people who reject the theory outright define it. If you think the people who hurl insults and harassment at us to discourage us from speaking on our lived experiences are more reliable sources for what transandrophobia is about than the trans men & mascs who are literally experiencing it, then that is exactly part of the problem we're trying to address.

Stop taking these kinds of statements at face value. You have GOT to resist internalizing generalizations about whole groups of people. You should never accept any narrative without giving it some real critical thought, which does mean going out of your way to find direct sources and to analyze who is pushing what narrative and what reasons they would have to do so. In the case of transandrophobia, you need to look at the actual posts that define it, and you have to speak with trans men & mascs directly in good faith! When someone is critical of our theory, you need to ask why, and then you need to see if their criticisms hold any truth or if they are reactionary & unsupported or if they rely on biases being accepted as truth to hold up their argument.

And while I know that on the internet it isn't considered as funny or cool to be kind/neutral as it is to be mean, it is 100% possible to be critical of something without resorting to insults, dehumanization, ridicule, or harassment. That is not how you make an informed criticism. That is not how you win an argument. That is not how you call out people you (claim to) love.

So, yeah. Your personal decision to transition or not is none of my business and, in fact, is no one's business but your own. You do what's right for you! You make your own choices! That is the official position of transandrophobia theory.

Kind of mad abt the whole "Transandrophobia theory is made to make trans men wanna detransition" Idk, I wanted to detransition when I saw posts talking about how we as a group need to shut up and how we're worse off for being men BEFORE I saw other trans men talk about how this sucks. I don't think us talking about it is making us want to detransition I think you all telling us we're evil for transitioning does.

[thebeholdingsblog]

Will Graham | NSFW Alphabet

TW: MinorsDNI, GN!reader, various kinks, allusion to dubcon but not really (it's clearly stated that he would never), a whole lot of smut, potentially dark subject matter

A = Aftercare

The afterglow is when he finds himself not occupied by thoughts about his work for once, so he likes to just lay in bed and hold you. For him it's the calm before the storm inevitably breaks over him again, so he embraces moments like that as much as he can, caressing you and taking his time before cleaning the both of you up with soft words of praise and encouragement scattered inbetween pauses of compfortable silence. He wants to bask in the feeling of having you on his bare skin for as long as he is able to.

B = Body part

Will is mostly insecure about his performance, not his looks, so on himself it's his stomach, he can appreciate the fact that it's well muscled but still soft.

On you it's your hips, his hands often find them, tracing the bones and eventually the sensitive skin below them as he takes great care to take his time and he feels like they are just meant to be held in place by his rough palms. Aside from that it's the place where your neck transitions into your shoulders, he finds himself nipping at it gently and nuzzling it often. Beeing honest though, everything about you is the sheer image of unrivaled perfection in his eyes. If he knows that you are particularly insecure about a part of yourself he will take care to give it extra attention until you see yourself from his point of view, even if he needs to make a you a whining mess to do so.

C = Cum

Inside of you, the feeling of your walls wrapping around him has a hold on him, but only if he is wearing a condom. He wants children, but is not certain that he is ready to be a father after all that has happened, so he keeps the both of you safe while secretly fantacising about what would happen if he wasn't wearing one. He cums hard when he does, needing some time to get there if he isn't feeling well mentally, but when he does it sends him into mindless bliss.

D = Dirty secret

While he would never actually do it, he has toyed with the idea of just slipping the condom off inbetween thrusts many times, it's one of the things that immediatly gets him close to the edge, though he could not break your trust like that and wouldn't even dare to try something like that.

E = Experience

While he hasn't had many intimate partners, the one's that he had have shown him exactly how to please them over time and Will is just a good student all over. You're not leaving the bed until both of you are thoroughly spent.

F = Favorite position

Cowgirl. Will loves to have you in any way that he can, but if he has the choice he's having you in his lap, his hands holding your hips and his eyes watching you as you set your own pace. If he is feeling a little more dominant he'll have you laying on a surface that's level with his hip, holding your wrists above your head with gentle pressure and making you see stars.

G = Goofy

Both are entierly possible, it depends on the day. If he's been at work, there are times where he comes home and (after asking) has his way with you without a single expression apart from his eyebrows pulling together in pleasure and his lips softly parting in a silent moan, but if the two of you have spent the day on your own he can be a bit more relaxed, chuckling with you over some nonsense that has happened and allowing you to make a few jokes if you take breaks in between.

H = Hair

In the beginning of a relationship he actually shaves, afraid that you would be uncomfortable otherwise, but if his partner has nothing against it he doesn't really do anything to his hair downstairs.

I = Intimacy

Will is worshipping you as much as he can, kissing every inch of skin that he can get his lips on and making sure you know just how much he adores you, how much he needs you in that moment. Even if he is handling you in a way that is anything but gentle, he'll have you feeling like you own his very soul. He's emotional in a way that is hard to describe, every movement carrying a sort of intensity that leaves you breathless over and over again.

J = Jack off

Less often than one would think. If he knows you are waiting for him at home, he doesn't even try. When his sex drive hits he wants you, not his hand and he actually has a fair amount of trouble cumming on his own. The only time he really does it by himself is when he knows he won't get to see you for a long time and he needs to focus badly.

K = Kink

Light impact play is always involved with Will, since he can hardly keep from holding you harshly and nipping at your skin, even while eating you out although he's careful not to hurt you, pinching the inside of your thigh if you can't manage to keep still for him.

Breeding is the sort of fantasy that he keeps to himself, but it his significant other even so much as alludes to it he's all for it. He would delight in having you walk around hours after the two of you are finished still leaking his cum, using his fingers to push it back inside as it drips down your thighs so not a drop goes to waste.

Praise is another one that is heavily involved as soon as the two of you are intimate. He craves for you to know what you are worth to him, but also enjoys watching you fall apart just from his words alone and manages to find just the right thing to say more often than not.

L = Location

In the comfort of his home, specifically in his bed. While he does think about having you in the most absurd places, he wouldn't feel safe anywhere else and the risk of exposing you to someone that isn't him doesn't sit right with Will. With the right encouragement there is a chance that he will have you anywhere you want him to though. Will is incredibly responsive, not needing much to get as desperate as a puppy begging for a treat and he's willing to do whatever you ask of him.

M = Motivation

It's the small things for Will. A smile that lingers just a moment longer than it should, the way you furrow your eyebrows while reading your favorite book and even when you push your fingers trough your hair after coming home from a walk with the dogs. It doesn't stop at your appearance though, even something as trivial as you talking about something that you're passionate about can get him hot and bothered in the matter of seconds. If you really want to get him there quickly though, feather light touches on his jaw can make him lose his mind.

N = No

Any sort of hard impact play. He has seen enough blood and strangling marks while working, he doesn't want to see them on you. He will try if you need him to, but would preferably stay away from this kind of stuff. There is a part of him that would love nothing more and maybe that is exactly why he won't do it.

O = Oral

He loves beeing on the passive end of the bargain, watching you intently as you suck him off, one of his hands making it's way into your hair although he doesn't push you down, so you can always come up to get air. There are days where all he wants is to sink into the warmth of your mouth and if you are happy to oblige he is praising you like you are a divine beeing the whole time.

What he loves even more though is giving you head. He can't imagine a more beautiful sight than your head falling back into the pillows and delights in the soft noises he can coax out of your lips with just a flick of his tounge in the right spot. He doesn't even have to try, he just knows how to push you over the edge and can't even be bothered to stop after you cum, only satiated when he knows you're absolutly satisfied. He needs some time to get to that point though, his first attempts tainted by the fact that he is scared he won't be enough for you, which is not the case. As soon as he gets that out of his head, well you are getting head.

P = Pace

Will prefers to go slow, but not necessarily gentle. He starts out with soft thrusts, but as he gets lost inside you his hips start to come into you roughly and even with brute force if he knows you can take it, though is pace stays torturously slow. He wants to savor the moment as long as he possibly can, although he has no reservations about going at a different pace if you ask him to do so.

Q = Quickie

If he had a stressful day he takes advantage of it to help him quiet his mind, but he doesn't do it often, knowing that he can get rough when he's overly frustrated and he doesn't want you to get hurt because he can't keep himself under control. Under normal circumstances he would much rather take his time with you.

R = Risk

If you ask him to try something new he will absolutly think about it and try it for you, yet he isn't too keen on doing anything that could have lasting damage. You're precious to him, he wouldn't risk breaking you as long as that is not exactly what you want.

S = Stamina

Two at most. Will doesn't need or most of the time want more than one round, he can last pretty long though, making sure he has you pleased and every single one of your needs throughly fulfilled before he himself gets his fill.

T = Toys

Doesn't own any, but isn't repulsed by the idea of using them. They do intimidate him a bit.

U = Unfair

Not while he is unwell, in those cases his mind is way to occupied with his work. If you're home and the week has gone over smooth though, his hands are always somewhere on you, fingertips tracing the lines of your back in passing or a hand placed delicately on your thigh while you're watching a movie, his hand drifting dangerously close to where you want him most but also not close enough. All of it until you eventually break and ask him to fuck you senseless.

V = Volume

Will isn't usually loud, but if you get him to let himself go, especially while giving him head, there is a good chance that he will whine at least a bit, though he does his best to keep himself from doing it.

W = Wild card

While Will is willing to do almost anything for the person he has his sights on, he is often insecure about trying new things because he is worried that he won't be able to do well enough. He needs lots and lots of reassurance, but won't ask for it because he keeps his feelings to himself. His partner needs to take the initiative to find out what makes him tick, both in at home life and in bed.

X = X-ray

A good 7.5 inches with plenty of girth, not too large, absolutly not too small.

Y = Yearning

He doesn't have time for a high sex drive and the thought doesn't occur to him often either way. If there isn't something that turns him on, he isn't thinking about it.

Z = Zzz

If you don't require him to be present with you, he falls asleep quickly, the peace after sex giving him the comfort to do so for once.

/Template by @/the-coldest-goodbye\

[goddessinnerglow]

Become Your Best Version Before 2025 - Day 31

The Beginning of Your Best Year Yet

My beautiful goddesses… where do I even begin? Sitting here writing this final post feels surreal. For 31 days, we've shared this space together, growing, learning, and becoming. But today isn't really an ending, it's your launching point for everything that comes next.

You've proven something incredible: that small, consistent steps can create meaningful change. That you're stronger than your doubts. That you're capable of growth, even (especially!) when it feels uncomfortable.

Remember when we first started? That spark of possibility you felt? Guess what, it's still there, and it's growing stronger every day. Every tool you've gathered, every insight you've gained, every small win you've celebrated, they're all part of your foundation now.

Before we look ahead, I want us to pause and honor this moment together. Let's create a simple but powerful commitment ceremony right where you are. Find a quiet space, light a candle if you can, and take three deep breaths. Now, place your hand on your heart and speak these words aloud:

"I honor the work I've done these past 31 days. I celebrate my courage to show up for myself. I commit to carrying these lessons forward. I promise to be patient with my progress. I choose to believe in my potential. This is my commitment to myself."

Take a moment to really feel the weight of these words. Let them sink in. This is your moment of transition, from learning to living these principles.

As we step into January, here's what I want you to remember:

Progress isn't perfect, it's personal

Your journey is uniquely yours

Small steps create big changes

You're never really starting over

Community makes us stronger

And let's celebrate your wins! Take out your journal right now and write down:

Three ways you've grown since Day 1

Two habits you're proud of building

One insight that changed your perspective

A moment when you surprised yourself with your strength

Keep this series somewhere you can find it. On those days when motivation fades (they'll come, and that's okay), revisit the posts that resonated most. Let them remind you of how far you’ve come and why you started.

Your next chapter is waiting. It might not look exactly like you imagined, it might be even better. Trust the process, trust yourself, and most importantly, keep going.

As for me, I'll be taking some time offline to rest, reflect, and set my own intentions for 2025. I'll be practicing what I've been sharing with you, prioritizing self-care, honoring my needs, and preparing for an amazing year ahead. I'll be back in a few days with fresh energy and new ideas to support your journey.

And please know this: I believe in you. Not just in who you might become, but in who you are right now. Every effort, every try, every step forward (and yes, even the steps back) – they all matter.

Before you close this page, take one final moment. Stand up, put your arms out wide, and give yourself the biggest hug. You've earned this moment of celebration. Feel proud. Feel strong. Feel ready.

See you in 2025! Remember, becoming your best version isn't about reaching a destination, it's about embracing the journey of growth, one day at a time.

♡ ☆:.｡ Keep glowing, babes! ♡ ☆:.｡ With love, Goddess Inner Glow.

[walkingstackofbooks]

Doctor Bashir I Presume AU where Julian transitioned during the Academy but never told his parents: (This totally got out of hand I'm sorryyyy 😅)

"What did you do to your lovely hair?" - Amsha's first reaction to seeing him in Sisko's office (He always wore a wig to visit them. This is exactly why.)

"You must be very proud of your son." "Our... son?"

Richard and Amsha trying to hide how unimpressed they are because they know it's socially unacceptable to be transphobic

(Not that they'd call themselves transphobic, of course. They have trans friends! But with Jules, well, it's different, isn't it? With all that they spent on her enhancements, there's no way her DNA would have been left with any... imperfections. And when it comes down to it, their her parents - they know her better than she knows herself.)

Amsha complaining at dinner how Julian hadn't prepared them for the shock of seeing him. "How could you do this to us? We were so embarrassed in front of your Captain."

(As if it wasn't them in the first place who had showed up totally unannounced 🙃🙄)

Richard saying that if Julian had told them he'd been having these feelings from the beginning, they might have been able to get help for him before he ruined his body.

Richard (angrily): "You've got some nerve, asking us to be careful with this Zimmerman chap! With the sort of risks you've been taking? Don't you realise how easily you could have been found out, all for some unnecessary surgery?" Julian (painfully restrained): "I don't expect you to understand, father, but it was necessary for me." Amsha (sadly): "Your father's just looking out for you, Jules. Try to understand that."

Misunderstandings abound when talking to Miles*, but eventually it's cleared up that Julian's parents are shit.

Cue a lot of anger (and a lot more anger than Julian thought anyone would feel. Because, you know, when you grow up knowing that your parents aren't the most accepting people, you figure that's just what some parents are like, rather than assuming yours are among the most outliers of outliers...)

Miles tells Julian he should talk to Sisko and get his parents kicked off the station. Julian's like, "That's a nice idea, but the captain can't just do that unless he's got a good reason" and Miles is like "You do know that persistently misgendering someone is literally a Federation hate crime, right?"

The Bashirs of course deny any wrongdoing. Richard gets angry, claiming "it's a family matter". Amsha starts crying about how unfair it all is.

"You have to understand, Captain -- she's been our daughter for over thirty years. We know Jules is angry with us but please, she knows that we love her really. If you could just let us talk to her--"

Sisko is fuming. "I might believe you cared if you had made any attempt to get Julian's gender right." "You don't know what it's like!" Amsha protests. "This is all so sudden!" "I know exactly what it's like!" Ben snaps back. "And I'll tell you, I didn't for a second consider telling Jake that I didn't believe him, or that he must be mistaken, or that he needed to be patient with my mistakes. In fact, I made sure as hell that I didn't make mistakes. There's no case here, as far as I'm concerned. You're both confined to quarters until the next shuttle arrives."

So I guess in the aftermath of all that, Julian's enhancements never get revealed. Even if the Bashirs were to make an apology, Miles would shut the hologram down, now he knows what Julian's parents are like.

But I think they probably feel too betrayed to try and make an apology, even a bad one.

So yeah, they're forced off the station and Julina actually gets, like, support and stuff from his friends!

Also, for like, a month afterwards, all of Molly and Yoshi's bedtime stories have trans main characters because Miles is low-key anxious about them ever starting to feel like Julian had about it not being okay.

(Keiko catches onto this and just happens to invite Julian around one night when it's storytime. Molly gets Julian to read her book. It's cute.)

(Afterwards, he enthuses about how he wishes he'd had books like that when he was a kid. And that's... sad.)

About two months later, when enough time has passed that Jadzia can pretend this isn't about Julian (although it totally is), Jadzia gets Quark and Jake involved in digging up some Earth history and holding a stationwide Pride celebration. (Julian appreciates both the gesture and the pretense.)

Garak makes some huffy comment to Julian about how "of course the Federation would have a whole festival devoted to degeneracy". Julian rolls his eyes and is about to take the bait, when he suddenly realises, "Wait, didn't Dukat once accuse you of being a degenerate?" "Wholly unsubstantiated claims, my dear Doctor." "Of course," Julian agrees sagely. "Although," he adds, a grin dancing across his lips, "if you ever find yourself wanting to substantiate them, Mister Garak..."

*The Misunderstandings:

"No offense, Julian, but you look wrecked. Is everything okay?"

Not meeting Miles' eyes, Julian takes a breath, as if to compose himself. "Let's just say that my parents are not exactly taking the news that I'm trans well."

In the moment, Miles chooses the wrong part of the sentence to focus on. "Wait, you're trans?"

Julian shrugs unhappily, a flash of anxiety passing over his face. "That doesn't... change how you feel about me, does it?" he asks hesitantly.

"'Course not!" replies Miles. "It's a bit of a surprise, I'll give you that, but-- No, sorry, I mean: what pronouns do you want me to use? Do you want to go by a different name?"

Before Julian can respond, Miles has another thought. "And what do you mean, your parents aren't taking this well? You're their son! -- Sorry, daughter-- offspring-- their child, I mean--"

"Hold up, Chief," Julian says, shaking his head in bemusement. "I'm still Julian. I'm very much a man. My parents just didn't know that until... yesterday."

"You never told them?"

"No."

"For how long?"

"Twelve years, if you're counting from when I first came out. More like twenty if you go from when I first knew."

"Jesus." Miles runs a hand through his hair. "Well, at least that explains why they're mad. That's an awfully big thing to hide from your own parents, Julian."

Julian grimaces. "I know," he replies, looking down. "It wasn't exactly brave, I guess but... I don't know. It was easier to cope with being misgendered because they didn't know, than being misgendered on purpose, you know?"

Being misgendered on purpose? This is such a bizarre statement, so at odds with what Miles knows of the world, that it takes him a minute to try and wrap his head around it.

"I'm lost, I'm afraid," he says eventually. "I can't, um-- Julian, what happened when you told your parents?"

[amynchan]

God I wish, I wish, but the way I see the free schedule happening is one of two ways:

We get more teachers on more shifts, so teaching becomes a 24 hour profession OR teaching ends up with a day shift, where we get the morning kids; the afternoon shift, where we get the late risers; and the night shift, where we teach the insomniacs. Obviously, you'd need teachers who have the same natural sleeping rhythms to teach these classes, but that can kinda be done. In the college sphere, we have morning, afternoon, and evening classes, but you'd run into the same problem we get over here. The classes themselves would most likely have the same workload as the classes that are taught during the current time frame, but the main trouble is that we wouldn't ever be sure if those teachers have full classes that will pay them out until basically a few days beforehand. Classes get cancelled due to low enrollment all the time, so these teachers would be lesson planning and building classes that may not be used (which, yeah, that's a reality. It's happened to me a couple times now. Not enough students enroll in a class, and it gets cut, and the teachers don't get paid for the work we do before class even starts). We also have students who don't pay attention and sign up for the 8:00AM classes and just... show up as zombies even though they signed up for it. They're not engaged, they're not ready, and it's somehow my job to fix that.

The other one is move instruction to completely online courses so that way we can allow all students to take classes at entirely their own pace. This is the one we're closer to, and it's the one that's easier to see the practical problems of it (so hopefully we can fix the damn things!). Online learning, as we all know from our good ol' friend Covid, puts a great deal of responsibility on the student that—half the time—they weren't aware that the teacher had provided for them all along. A place and time separate from other responsibilities with which to do the work, materials to do the work, steady socialization, near instantaneous feedback and guidance when you get off-task. The classroom itself does a lot. Online learning can give you so much freedom, but as an instructor, I've seen so many students use that freedom to say "fuck all" to education. And I teach college in America. The USA doesn't make you go to college. I'm not sure how it works elsewhere, but that's how it works here. You won't get in trouble for not going or even applying. You should be in college because you've got some kind of goal for it. Therefore, you should only be enrolled in the class in the first place because you want to do something with it and should already have some kind of internal motivation to follow through. But students just don't. Not because of their sleep schedules, but because online learning requires a level of discipline and internal motivation that just isn't expected of them anymore. If a student doesn't wanna do the work, they just won't. And it's relatively fine for a college instructor, who isn't paid by how many students pass the class. Honest. I could fail the entire class and get by relatively okay as long as I'm able to defend my decision and point out the numerous amount of times I reached out to help them.

But high school and below??? They are paid and penalized by how many or how few students pass their course. Again, covid taught us this; if all of those students just choose to sit on their asses, they could get their way at the expense of people's jobs and livelihoods (for the longest time, my dad was the only worker in our house. As a high school instructor, he shoved all six of us—yes, including himself to get his master's degree so he could earn more money to support us!—through higher education by working his ass off. He was a stern teacher, too, so if the students did that to him, they would have fucked over my entire family. It's scary to think of how many other teachers' families are going through that right now because of the shift in cultural attitude about learning and going to school). And to the students, this threat to lives and livelihoods is usually not their concern, because they'll be gone after a year and why should they care? Easy A! Sit on your ass! Accuse the teacher of some shady shit! Works for me!

(Seriously. A student didn't like their grade in my dad's class, went home, ripped out their own stitches, and tried to cry to admin about my dad abusing them. I was in the room when the 'confrontation' happened, and the audacity shook me to my core. And this was years before Covid. This is only one example of some of the shit my dad has been through. The shift in attitude has been going on for years.)

Like, I get the original argument that "everyone in the world has different needs, and the world needs to adjust and accommodate to take care of it." I want that. I want a world where my sister didn't have to feel like an idiot because she's not a morning person and I am. I want a world where my sibling has the time to pursue both passion and education. I want that. However, on this side, I can only see this broken system that punishes us for trying to educate kids who don't see what, exactly, we are trying to offer them and can only see "you fuck with me and I fuck with you and no I don't give a damn about how it'll hurt you as long as I get my way." It's never enough. It's never, ever, ever enough. Even if we try to help them within the parameters we're given, it will never be enough.

Try to hire more teachers to teach in shifts to accommodate for the different and very natural sleeping patterns of students? First, find a teacher who has that same sleeping pattern and then have them on standby, only to cut their job if not enough students sign up for their class and stick to it. Hope that teacher has got a backup plan, buddy. Try to do online courses where students can learn at their own pace? In addition to all the work that goes into making a class that is both engaging and effective (I overworked myself to mental exhaustion for one online course this semester. The students who stuck it out loved it, and while that's worth it, I just hope that all the prep I did this semester will save me next semester when I gotta do it all over again), good luck making sure that the students themselves have the internal motivation to finish AND good luck also trying to be available to them so they can ask questions while also maintaining whatever little sanity you have left. That student who's up at 2AM, as is natural and good for them, may not be able to meet up with the teacher who sleeps from 12AM-5AM every night (if they like to push to the brink of their sanity).

I teach English, but I teach more than that, too. We all do. Time management, respect for others, critical thinking, problem solving and troubleshooting, and more. And I'm a college instructor. I have freedoms that not many others in the industry have. I can create my lessons liberally, I can choose OERs to use so I don't have to force my students to buy anything, I can create content that they don't have to shell extra money out for. As long as I follow the standards and guidelines, I can alter what I need when I need to for the betterment of my students. I feel so bad for the rest of my family, all of whom teach high school and are trapped within the same bureaucracy that everyone bitches about, but they, as teachers themselves, can't do anything without getting hit with a huge hammer for it by admin, by students, or by parents (and that is a WHOLE other thing). The shifts don't work entirely, and the online classes don't work entirely either (yet, yet, hopefully yet!).

If the sleeping schedule was literally the only thing, those options might be viable. Because then we'd probably have students consistently signing up for time slots so we could make them more consistently available, and we'd have students consistently doing the work without the sleeping schedule as a natural impediment because they'd be motivated to get it done. But as much of a good student, or even mediocre student who just showed up and didn't make too many waves, as you were, these are currently luxuries that we can't afford because we're trying to get everyone on the same page teaching-wise.

There's the sleeping schedule thing, yes. There are possible fixes for it, yes. However, as much as a lot of people want this, there's always going to be some bureaucracy and some people who just say "what if I hit the big red destruct button?" that it fucks it up for everyone else.

And, yeah, I'm mad about it.

In the future the way we treat different sleep schedules is going to be thought of as just as weird and barbaric as beating kids for being left-handed. People will read about how we thought certain circadian rhythms were bad and made people take melatonin and use special lights to make their circadian rhythms different, and they will think, "So sad and ignorant...everybody is just afraid of difference."

[yandere-paramour]

Hmm ok! I understand (Isekai person)

Well can you possibly then instead do the Yan's with a transfem darling? Both of these are kind of me coping with the election actually djdjdj like I imagine them being really helpful and supportive throughout your transition in different ways

Sorry it took me so long! I've been busy and I wanted to do it properly. I hope you enjoy it!

Vivien is a raging bisexual so when you tell him you're a girl, he is so happy for you! Seriously he is smiling and jumping around, asking if you guys should throw a gender reveal party. Honestly, he designates the whole day as a holiday, he calls it "Girl Day". He makes some of his herby cocktails and bakes some sweets and you two have a little party together, celebrating you finding your true self. He immediately changes his verbiage and now makes a point to compliment things he knows you're changing (he already tells you how amazing you are 10 times a day but now he's being more specific). You both paint your nails together, and he will gladly go to the mall with you to pick out new clothes. If you do decide to go on with E and undergo medical procedures, he will be so so nervous but so so supportive. Nevertheless, Vivien will sit beside you, making jokes and throwing playful compliments your way to ease your anxiety; rubbing your shoulders while reminding you that he’s happy for you and this is what you've been waiting for. He's nervous for you having surgery and he's ecstatic when you come out unharmed, complimenting you on your new boobs/vagina. He'll even bake you your own pussy cake! Anyone disrespecting you is getting cussed out at the very least, fought at the worst. You deserve to be able to walk the streets as yourself and he will gladly make sure you can. He's just so happy to be with you and now he's happy you're happy in your own skin!

Noelle already knew. She makes a point to know everything about you so this came as no shock to her. Still, she listens to all your words and reasons, letting you talk your thoughts out as much as you need to. She encourages you to be as feminine as you want to be, and she will gladly fund your online shopping addiction. She isn't afraid of needles, so she can help with no problems, and you'll get a kiss and cuddle for being so brave. If you decide to medically transition, she will be there the whole time, grilling the doctors with every possible question about side effects and recovery. She stays the whole time you are unconscious, nervously sitting in the corner of the waiting room with her laptop as she tries to hold back on asking the nurses for another update about you. When you're home safe, she coddles you, washing your hair and helping you to the bathroom, reminding you that it's okay to take it easy because you're fragile right now. If a certain day is hard, Noelle is right there behind you, rubbing your back as she tells you how beautiful and lovely you are — how nothing could ever change how highly she thinks of you. While these dysphoric thoughts can be hard to get rid of, she wants you to know that she’s there to comfort you. Whatever you request, no matter how big or small, she’ll make sure to deliver it. She will take care of her girl, you know that for sure.

Atalanta, as always, is supportive and understanding. When you tell her, she hugs you and thanks you for trusting her with such an important topic. She is so proud of you for finding yourself and she supports you wholeheartedly. She asks what your preferred name and pronouns are, as well as nicknames and bedroom names you are comfortable with. She wants to be exactly sure of everything because the last thing she wants to do is upset or offend you. The second you walk away, she is frantically googling everything. She obviously knows about trans people (and publically supports them, we support trans rights on this blog), but this is personal. You're her Darling, she needs to support you during this time as best she can and she needs concrete advice to do that. Your relationship with her remains the same, if not stronger. Now she has an excuse to accompany you on numerous shopping sprees, helping you try out clothes to find your new style; you even meet with her personal stylist! When you tell her you want to medically transition, she takes it very seriously. Only the most experienced gender surgeon will even speak to her Darling, and a nurse will come every day to give you your injections. She’ll be there with every single appointment, nodding and asking questions when she sees a chance to ask. Her presence intimidates the doctors but she would never let you go through this all alone. She wants you to be as safe as possible. Anyone who disrespects you mysteriously disappears.

[rom-e-o]

Belisma/Guinevere watching Emmerich interact with small children as they're out and about in public.

Maybe they're standing in line somewhere and there's a parent in front of them with a toddler and the little tyke is just staring intently at Emmerich and he just gives a little smile and wave. Or maybe makes a funny face. And the toddler just breaks into a grin and giggles in the cutest way.

Maybe they're out doing errands and come across a lost little boy, so scared and crying and not sure where his mum/dad is, so they "go on a side-quest" (lol) to reunite him with Mum/Dad. And Emmerich carries him, first in his arms, then transitioning him up to his shoulders. And he and the boy are chatting the entire time, the child's tears and fear completely forgotten. The little boy laughs in delight and marvels at how high up he is on Emmerich's shoulders.

Maybe they're on a date, getting some ice cream and a little girl starts crying because she dropped her cone on the floor. So Emmerich steps over to Mum/Dad who already looks completely strung out and has a brief exchange before ordering another cone exactly like what the little girl had and gets down to her height to offer it, having a quiet little conversation that makes the little girl smile and giggle as she takes her new ice cream.

Maybe on a stroll they come across some children. One of them is seated on the ground, obviously in pain, holding a wrist or ankle or something and is in obvious distress the others are all freaking out trying to figure out what to do. Here comes SuperEmmerich (or maybe AwesomeEmmrich because Superman is probably Awesomeguy in the au😅) to the rescue sweeping in to ask what happened. The other kids probably scram because they don't want to get in trouble. After discovering the injury isn't very serious just quite painful, Emmerich heals the child, all while speaking soothingly and drying their tears. Then he and Isma/G'iney safely escort the child home.

Maybe they're in a waiting room somewhere and there's a little girl there who is clearly quite bored and getting fussy. Emmerich can't help but start performing some of his prettier magic spells for her entertainment. Before long the tyke is laughing and clapping, completely entertained and demanding further pretty magic: "Again! More! More!"

Every interaction he has with little ones, whatever it is, is just so natural and sincere and gentle and kind. Wifey is just slathering him with tender kisses at the end of the day, praising him and admiring him for his golden heart.

Awww. Okay, firstly, I love this. Also, it gives me a reason to wax poetic about this side of him, haha.

So, we see Emmrich being a nurturing, kind presence, even in the face of calamity. Specifically, helping unite a child with their parent. We see him act that way with little Mila as they search for her father as literal hoards of darkspawn attack.

The Siege of Weißhaupt, where this happens, is a grueling battle. It's an endurance test of waaaaves of enemies.

Your team gets tested.

Yet, even as the team talks about the hopelessness and comes to terms with the fact that this might be their last stand, Emmrich still speaks to Mila calmly and reassuringly. He also asks her good questions and listens to her answers.

He reassures her that her father is okay, and to keep going. He's a calming influence.

And she's reunited with her father. All is well!

So, I can totally see him being a sweet and caring guy that puts kids at ease. He knows that a friendly wave or a kind gesture goes a long way, especially for an innocent soul. He has some experience with those early days with Manfred too - cleaning up messes, helping him walk, etc.

I LOVE him replacing the ice cream cone for the child that dropped theirs ("It's such a simple gesture, but it makes everyone feel better") and him performing simple magic for the child in the waiting room as well ("You learn to never take it for granted. What's mundane to you is extraordinary to another.")

He's such a nice, sweet guy, and very patient. It makes sense why he could rear Manfred the way he does - he very much treats him like his child. He uses a guiding hand and is always patient. If he scolds Manfred, it's pretty gently.

Belisma/Guinevere sees all these instances, at it just exemplifies what they love about him. He's an intelligent, esteemed man of wealth and status, yet he'll stop everything to brighten a child's day. He's never too good for anything, and he's never patronizing or condescending to them either.

"No wonder Manfred is such a fine gentleman already," she says after giving him a long smooch, "Look at his example."

"Oh, you mean today? My dear, nothing I did was admirable. Just being a good samaritan, as we all should."

"I think it was. I think I loved watching you be so gentle and caring with those children ... fatherly, even. You're a good role model."

"F-Fatherly? I don't think ...do you really think so? Maybe?"

"Oh, definitely." <3

Wifey's already imagining him cradling their baby a few years out, and it's the most easy image in the world to conjure.

[mjlovescm]

Snapshot, Argyle 🍋

A/N: idk if this is really nsfw but it contains- kissing, lap sitting/grinding, lingerie, 

“Okay, and when you take photos, put this on your neck so you won't drop it.”

“I’m not gonna.” 

Jonathan ignores Argyle’s words and continues to warn his friend about the importance of being careful. 

“Argyle,” Jonathan says cautiously, “what do you really need it for? Whatever it is, I can just take the photos for you and say I helped you with it.”

He suggests, for the fourth time today, just to be shut down again by his best friend. 

“Sorry man.”Argyle's hand is firm on Jonathan's shoulder. “There’s some things only I can do. Trust me.”

It was one of the many very vague responses he’d been receiving from the long-haired man. Useless attempts at easing Jonathan's worries when it came to Argyle using his camera for reasons that keep changing. First it was “curiosity,” then personal reasons. When those didn’t work, he landed on a random “project.”. Although none of it made real sense, Jonathan trusted his friend, for better or worse. 

“Okay,” he says with a huff. “I trust you.”

“Thank you man y/n’s pics are gonna turn out great.”

Jonathan smiles at the thought before really taking  in Argyle’s words.

“Isn't this for a work thing ?”

Argyle is silent before spewing nonsense to cover his tracks. 

“Thanks for the camera man, have it to you by monday!” 

Long distance at any age is difficult. But doing long distance as high school sweethearts going to separate colleges was rough. With the large transition, stress, and distance of college, you and Argyle worried how your relationship would survive. Rather than ponder the survival rate of your relationship, you searched for ways to keep it alive regardless of your location. 

Letters, mixtapes, and over-the-phone dinners were on the long list of long-distance activities. But anything involving sex was number one. Dirty letters were too prison-style; mixtapes would only put us in sexually frustrated moods; and phone sex started way back in junior year. But an idea the two of you never considered was dirty photos as keepsakes. 

The lingerie store at your local mall had peaked your interest the moment you stumbled upon it. But it wasn't until now that you had a real reason to shop there. A sexy photo shoot was the perfect opportunity.

“Don’t you think lace is a little advanced.” Argyle comment’s trailing behind you like a lost puppy. “I don’t want us to get too ahead of ourselves.”

“Advanced how?” you questioned your boyfriend. 

“Not in a bad way,” he’s quick to clarify. “I just- I don’t think my pictures will look as good as yours. I wanna give you something steamy to hold onto.”

You stop and turn to look at your boyfriend with a sweet, teasing smile. 

“Argyle, just because you’re paying doesn't mean I’m the only one getting something,” you assure him. “I told you I wanted us to match.”

“I’m paying?” 

“Yep and we're getting matching pajamas.”

After many hours at the mall you left carrying a hefty amount of bags and the two of you made your way to your home. 

But back in your bedroom, you weren't feeling as sexy as you did prior. Now that you were face-to-face with a camera and your boyfriend's eyes, the last thing you wanted was to be seen. 

A knock at the bathroom door makes you jump out of your exposed brown skin. 

“Baby I think I got the hang of this thing.” 

“T-that's good,” you paused, your mind elsewhere. “Can you get me the pajamas? I’m not ready for any pictures.”

“O-oh okay… you all good in there?”Argyle asks with a soft voice. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you lie. 

Your words say one thing but your body language speaks for itself. While Argyle worked out the kinks of the camera you found yourself stuck in your head. Suddenly hyper aware of the brown skin that was present and exposed under the matching set you had on. The change in mood is apparent to your boyfriend, who knew exactly how to fix it. 

“Before we start…” he sets the camera down and rummages through his jean pockets for something. “A little party starter?”Argyle smiles and shows you a few pre-rolled joints. 

Your smile quickly matches his, and soon smoke and smiles fill the space between the two of you. While you light the joint, Argyle picks up Jonathan's camera. 

“Smile, baby,” he says, pointing the lens at you. 

“Hey,” you say as the flash hits your eyes. “I thought we were taking sexy photos.”

“Trust me.”Argyle says almost more to himself than you, voiced laced with something.

“These are very sexy.”

“Oh yeah.” you match his newfound tone. “What about it?”

With the joint pressed to your lips and light in hand, you take a few drags. Exhaling you blow the smoke at the camera, Argyle's eyes light up along with the flash from the camera. 

You and your boyfriend take your time to smoke. Enjoying each other's presence and bodies, along with taking photos. As the weed settled into your system, your nerves slipped away, confidence and sexuality replacing them. 

“Don't you think that's a little close?”Argyle asks as you sit in his lap, a camera in your face. 

You ignore his question, pushing the camera aside and kissing Argyle without a word. A small sound leaves him, and you follow suit. Plump lips move against each other slowly, taking time to enjoy the feel of the soft skin. Argyle's large arms wrap around your body, pulling you closer and intensifying the kiss. 

“You- look so-”

Argyle attempts to speak with his lips still on yours but his words come out muffled. Wrapping your hands around his neck you ran your fingers through Argyle’s long hair as your hips began to move against his lap. Although his words don't break the two of you apart, the sudden flash of Jonathan's camera does. 

“Was that on purpose?” you ask, genuinely curious. 

“Yes,” he lies. “No, you got me excited,” he admitted.

“Aww.” you say with a smile. “Let’s take a few more.” 

You take a few cuter pictures, kissing each other on the cheek, among other places. But it didn't take long for your photo ideas to become less cute and more sexy. 

“Hmm, that's a good angle.” 

“Oh yea.” you say as you get on your knees before running your hand over the lingerie containing Argyle’s erection. 

You press your face to Argyle's bulge before kissing his tip. The two of you are too lost in the moment to remember Jonathan's important advice when it came to taking pictures. 

Argyle's clumsy fingers lose grip before he realizes.

“Oh shit baby.” 

Argyle's attempt at a warning is useless. You're smacked in the face with Jonathan's camera, and you immediately yell at the pain. 

“Fuck,” you curse, holding the spot where you've been hit. 

“Oh my god, baby, are you okay?” your boyfriend quickly analyzes your face. 

Once he is sure you’re fine, Argyle is quick to pick up Jonathan's camera, inspecting it for anything. A crack, scratch, or broken piece. Thankfully, Jonathan's prized possession was left unscathed, and for it to stay, that meant this photoshoot was over. 

“Told you your camera was safe with me man.” 

Argyle takes the camera off his neck and hands it back to its owner.

“Don't worry, I’ll develop them for you.” Jonathan offers. 

“No!”Argyle says with wide eyes. “These are for uhh my eyes only,” he says, plastering a smile onto his nervous face.

Masterlist Sweet and Sour Silky Smooth, 🍋

[fictionaloveward]

hi guys...new ocs...clap if u cheered (and picrew i used for their designs)

facts about them below <3

• aria was partially inspired by teruhashi from tdlosk, in the sense that shes a perfect pretty popular girl with secret unhinged thoughts

• gwen is a neet, but ever since she started transitioning she's been a little more interested in selfcare. aria takes care of everything ofc from nails to hair to ****************

• this is the concept that made me create them:

• aria isn't exactly a yandere despite seeming like the type, she just doesn't get jealous easily cause she knows gwen only has eyes for her

• since they were kids, gwen has always been behind in everything: sports, relationship with parents, academics, love...but she never resented aria for that

• aria does not feel guilty at all, infact she even thinks the fact that they're related makes it hotter! gwen tho? she frequently feels disgusted at herself (but still can't let aira go)

• they're catcoded and puppycoded respectively. not in the "serious one x excited one" way, more in the "i will get what i want idc what you want or think x you can manipulate me, hurt me, but just don't leave me" way

● aira is the dom and power bottom, gwen is the sub and service top

• aira is into: cnc, dollification, dacryphilia

• gwen is into: cnc, puppyplay, praise & blackmailing

[adamnablelittledevil]

Reacting to The Vampire Lestat - Part III (with a bit of spoilers)

I like Gabrielle.

I'm not sure I love her, but I really like her.

I feel wrong using feminine pronouns with her, though. I feel like Gabrielle is whispering in my ear that is they/them. Like, I've never had a headcanon so strong before? I don't know about labels, but for me those are the pronouns Gabrielle would use. It's just so clear to me.

I won't use them because the book doesn't do it, the fandom doesn't do it, which I'm not criticizing because it isn't exactly 'official', so it wouldn't be real canon to... But I feel like if the books were released today, it would be. And I hope the show changes that and we can gradually adjust too.

I hope that when they write season 3, they show signs of her gender dysphoria even before she says something explicit like the "you're the man in me" conversation. I want lines that imply that, I want a look in her eyes and expressions on her face whenever she gets gender envious of guys or has to do something "feminine". The book doesn't do a lot of that because Lestat is the narrator and he is away from her, so we barely see her before the transformation/'transition' but the show has the opportunity to explore more of it and I hope they use it.

Gabrielle was born to be a vampire. I think she would nail it even without Lestat's counseling. It's just second nature for her. You go, bruh!

Gabrielle actually seems to be more fun and even affectionate than I expected? I was worried that she'd might be too confident, powerful, badass, empowered etc that she would feel cold and emotionless, because that's usually what happens with characters like these and I hate that... But so far it hasn't been the case.

She really blossomed with vampirism. Feels like she is finally getting the opportunity to have the life she was meant to live.

The only downside is the hair. That moment with the hair was so visceral. I feel bad for her. Imagine being stuck with a hair you hate and gives you body dysphoria forever. I hope the show lets her hair be short. Like, maybe her illness affected her hair or something. Or at least give her hairstyles that make it look shorter than it really is. Or make her cut it every day. I don't care. Let the dude have short hair! Period.

Lestat's reaction to all this is like... Mixed feelings. He doesn't love it. Which, I get it, all his life he knew her as a "woman". It can be weird adjusting to that, it may feel like you're losing someone. But there are these gentle moments when he separates accessories (if I remember it correctly, rings) that are masculine for her because he figures she would prefer them and when he says he'll cut her hair every night if she wants to, so it's more of unlearning and grieving what/who he thought was 'real' and adapting to a new reality. It's not an "okay, let's go!" reaction as if nothing happened, specially for the time being (1700s), it's complicated, but he seems to be open. I can't speak for everyone who is trans and/or under the non-binary umbrella, but it was human to me and I have no problems with it.

Alright, so whether it was incestuous before or not, now it clearly is. I do hope it started now and not when they were human, though.

She was my mother, my fledgling, my child (sort of), my roommate, basically the only friend I had and my lover. I mean, not exactly, but I thought the joke was funny.

I feel like if I talk about the incest, it has to be on another post because it would probably take too long. There are way too many things to talk about and I'm still approaching the middle of the book.

Let's just say it sort of makes works with how the book, the characters, this species and universe are written. I can sort of get it, at least for now. Is it necessary? No. Would the show suffer if they don't do the incest? Not all. Is it random, irrelevant, only for shock value and because "let's get nasty freaky and controversial these are vampires and this is gothic horror grow up cupcakes deal with it hahaha"? Also no! It has some kind of logic. But I feel like Lestat and Gabrielle are already layered enough with their parent/child/maker/fledgling/sort of envious of each other (including the fact they're both gender nonconforming to some extent) dynamic on its own, that there's plenty to cover here without incest. Still, if the show goes there (and I'm afraid they will), I also expect it to make sense and not be just for the sake of being seual, weird and controversial. I believe Rolin is too good to write something that mediocre and poor. So, I can live without it, but I'm also trusting the show to do whatever their thing is. Let's see, I guess.

Also, at least at the moment, it's not as big as people make it out to be. Again, to talk about this properly I'd need another post, but it's not like they sleep together, they're head over heels in love with each other or anything. Like I said, there's some logic that is kind of complicated to explain here, but it's not that radical and it's not that often. Sometimes I even genuinely and wholeheartedly forget about it. Fortunately, there are way too many other (and more) interesting things going on to focus on.

Gabrielle learning about her powers is really fun too, maybe even more fun than Lestat since she's such a natural at this whole thing.

And their maker/fledgling dynamic is entertaining as well.

She's like, climbing walls, jumping from roofs etc like a cat, just having the time of her life and while Lestat gets pretty adventurous and experimental with his powers too, it's not as much? Gabrielle takes it to the next level (good for her).

Like, sometimes he has to stop Gabrielle like a father with his kid, like "CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO HOME WE CAN DO MORE TOMORROW" and it's simply hilarious.

Stop it, Lestat, let Gabrielle HAVE FUN!

Gabrielle just gives major Cat Woman vibes. Now I need Cat Woman-esque scenes on the show with her climbing and jumping between buildings etc. WE HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL AND THE VISION IS CO CLEAR. Do it, Rolin!

It's cool that Lestat finally has some real company and someone with whom he can be open about being a vampire.

Loneliness is the biggest thing for him on the show and I have a feeling it's the same thing on the books. And it's even worse here, because there are moments where he is completely alone and in so much pain (and we haven't seen that on the show yet). Having Gabrielle around made things better for him and he hasn't cried in a little while (and he was crying A LOT on those first two chapters, for very understandable reasons), so this was a nice turn for him and the story.

I also think he enjoys being her mentor, like it gives him a sense of purpose and pride. Reminds me of how he talked about the way he felt at the monastery. And it's sweet to see him teaching Gabrielle stuff.

And sometimes he feels like an old and tired single dad and it's just funny. Like, Gabrielle is ready to create the vampire Olympics and win gold for every single sport and he just wants to sleep. Lestat is too much and loves playing around, but Gabrielle is too much even for HIM. Imagine having more energy than the actual ADHD child. What a legend. They're hilarious. A lot of room to play with humor with these two and I hope they use it.

P.S. Nothing is permanent, opinions might change and this is based on Lestat’s narration, which can be unreliable. I’m reading the books so I can find out more about the characters, what potential events might happen in the show, what I can expect etc. This is my favorite show in the universe, so I want to be as informed as possible. I have no idea if I’ll become a legit fan of the books or not, but so far I’m enjoying it. I’m posting these comments only for fun.

[loopdile]

loopdile so real. i have a Vision of both siffrin and loop being Deeply Deeply Closeted Repressed Transfem and having gender envy over odile and i feel like that'd do Something to the Dynamic. Something......... Something........................... well i'm not successfully envisioning it but maybe YOU are?

i am positively plagued by loopdile gender visions!!! maybe not the exact same as you're thinking but i think you will enjoy them. walk with me, anon, through the garden of my loop gender headcanons. it's kind of a big garden but we'll get to the odile part eventually i promise.

Before they were Siffrin, Siffrin had their gender on lock: something transfem, but also tied to unique cultural elements in some way, either the specific identity or the way of thinking about it or just the particular set of presentation options. Perhaps they even started fantasy HRT! But then they forget everything, obviously, including their identity and transition plans. They decide pretty quickly that they're not a man, but none of the alternatives feel exactly correct either; if their previous identity was presented as an option, maybe it would click and they'd settle into it pretty fast, but unfortunately that is literally impossible.

So, no clear goals in mind. And because of his forgotten past, continued memory problems, and constant traveling, Siffrin starts to really value the few things he can count on to stay consistent. He'd rather wear his comfortable hat and cloak than leave them behind in favor of anything more gendered. He'd rather stick with his familiar body than risk changing it. Still, maybe there are some changes he'd be happier in the long run to have made... but the process would be stressful, and he's got enough stressful things to worry about already!

But then we get to Loop. Who has already been changed, suddenly and irrevocably and so very, very accidentally. They are not Siffrin anymore, they do not have the hat and cloak, they aren't even human. They don't even really remember who they were pre-loops. There is no familiarity for them to cling to; instead, they're desperate to find things they can control, things they can change, proof that the world moves forward and they're in charge of their place in it. The motivation that Siffrin lacked, Loop now has in spades!

However, their negative feelings are more intense as well. They struggle to face real stakes, to put effort into anything too complicated, to try anything that might disappoint them. They take risks, yes, but not about things they care about; they take risks because they don't care. And they have a lot of other things going on, too, both practically and psychologically, so gender isn't their immediate priority. "Who and what am I?" is a very difficult question for them right now on multiple levels, a difficult question with only difficult answers.

But, starting with the practical: wearing clothes is an easy way to look and feel a little bit more normal, right? So they experiment, and they decide that dresses are just similar enough to the cloak to be comfortable, but distinct enough to not be as emotionally fraught. And they like them in a frivolous way that Siffrin was never willing to lean all the way into. Siffrin didn't put much thought or energy into his appearance, but Loop's inhuman form is a constant issue, so they might as well dress it in a way they like! Something good to balance out the bad, since they can't be neutral any longer.

And of course they think about body craft, though in a different context from most people. Even the nearly-human parts of their body are lacking detail, without all the right functions behind the form, and then other parts aren't human at all. Their body feels wrong, distracting, constricting. They don't understand how it works, and it draws attention they don't want, and it's not them. And yet, isn't it? Even if they'd been put back into a Siffrin body again, they aren't Siffrin anymore, either. Loop is what the loops made them. They want to change their body, to make it something they can be comfortable in, but they can't. Because body craft is a method of changing flesh and blood and bone, and Loop is not made of such human stuff anymore.

So we've got Loop. Trying to find themself, and maybe succeeding in some ways, but stymied or uncertain in others. Desperate to change, but scared to hope. To make a long story short, they join back up with the party, which brings its own set of problems, and yet... it's also a step towards fixing some of their problems, too. Most relevant to our post, here: Odile is a craft expert with a unique set of experiences. She's got a wide foundation of knowledge, since she's familiar with all three main craft types. She used to be part of Ka Bue's underground body-crafting scene, where she not only crafted her own body but also helped and taught other people; and unlike in Vaugarde, where Houses provide resources and education, Odile and her peers had to do their own research and experiments, develop their own techniques. She even has some knowledge of wish craft from Siffrin, and the way she stopped Siffrin from looping proves that she's unusually good at analyzing and adapting to new forms of craft.

So once Loop's dissatisfaction with and ignorance regarding their own physical form comes to Odile's attention, of course she offers to help. To see if she can figure out what their body is made of, and how it works, and hopefully, in what ways it can be changed.

And this dynamic with her... it's totally different from her relationship with Siffrin, both pre-loops and post. And Loop has always admired her, and here she is, talking about the confidence and determination with which she changed her own body, not without fear or frustration but not letting herself be slowed down by them, either. Taking her fate into her own hands and refusing to be anyone other than herself. And Loop used to feel that Odile understood them best, and losing that connection felt like the end of the world, but here she is, still! Observant and caring as ever. Dedicated to figuring them out again. Unflinching as she sees them for the strange thing they currently are, but equally unshakable in her insistence that they do not have to stay exactly as they are.

So Odile helps them figure out their body. Helps them with the craft itself, too, but even more than that — through both encouragement and example, she helps them be brave enough to genuinely try. To ask themself what they really want. To strike a balance between Siffrin's complacent hesitation and Loop's miserable desperation. To experiment, and face both the chance of failure and the chance of success with head held high. To hope.

Odile is not one for platitudes and empty positivity, after all. If she says something's possible, then it is, or she will make it so, one way or another, despite any setback. Isn't she proof? She remade herself, and she can remake Loop, too. Changing them, slowly and carefully and so very, very deliberately. Loop will never be human again, but they can decide who they are and become themself.

[genderqueerdykes]

I’ve seen more and more people being affected by the pornbots in the trans tags. Does it annoy you too?

And just as a general check how are you doing?

that's actually a very good question- yes, it does

it's been happening to almost every queer tag but it's been particularly rough in the trans tags. trans people posting erotic photographs of themselves isn't something that bothers me, what bothers me is exactly what you mentioned, the bots. i can easily block certain tags to not see trans erotica but the porn bots just don't care

whenever i go into a tag like "trans" or "transgender" i'm looking to hear about others' experiences with being trans, look at some trans art, share other people's experiences and journeys with transition, and so on. i don't want to see random porn everywhere that has nothing to do with trans people especially. tumblr did not achieve anything in trying to ban porn because now its just everywhere again

and its not even good like at least in the past a lot of it was by trans people for trans people. now it's almost entirely scams. they existed before but they're way worse now. i report and block them whenever i'm able to but it's a nightmare. as someone on the asexual spectrum, but sex positive, i just don't want to see stolen images of random girls. again i don't mind if it's porn for and by trans people, especially because that can easily be blacklisted, but it's impossible to blacklist the porn bots because they don't play by the rules

trans porn is generally well tagged so that you can easily block that from showing up in your tag searches and dashboard, whereas the bots are trying to avoid getting blacklisted. it's frustrating. i'd rather people look at trans erotica instead, at least it would be on topic. this is just taking people's attention away from trans sex workers and it fucking sucks

also thank you for asking! i had to rest and drink a lot of fluids after the gastric emptying study yesterday. i have my consult for gallbladder removal surgery in 2 days, which i am looking forward to. i had no idea that was such a big issue, there were a lot of guesses being made before i finally got a CT scan. most doctors were humming and hawing about how my insurance "won't" pay for those scans... but it does. if they go about writing the referral and getting diagnostic information, my insurance pays for those types of scans. it's not just x-rays my insurance covers, but doctors assume it won't be covered due to me having insurance for very low income people (medicaid)

after surgery i'll have to talk to someone about my liver. i'm not sure how long i have to recover from gallbladder removal surgery, but we shall see. other than that i'm doing alright, just navigating the symptoms that's been causing most nights out of the week, reading some queer books i've borrowed from the library, talking with my neighbors, and resting. my neighbors are also disabled and are very kind, well, at least my immediate neighbors, and one at the end of the street, as well as an older guy who takes walks up and down the block very often. these people are all very kind. i like talking with them and hearing about their days.

i also give them any meat the food bank accidentally sends me which is good because i hate the idea of just throwing it out. i've been able to cook a lot of very nice meals lately now that i have some more pots and pans and cooking tools. i lost a lot of mine while moving but i finally have enough to cook reliably and more than one thing at a time :) i was given a lot of brown rice from the food bank because i can't eat meat and a lot of their items contained meat and i've found i like brown rice a lot, honestly more than white rice. it takes eons to cook but it's worth it, especially if you add soy sauce, sesame oil, or other seasonings into the water as it cooks

thanks for checking in! i appreciate you, take care

[brainrotcharacters]

I'm going to fucking 👹YAP 👹

deadclaws/loganpool/poolverine/adamantium gays: MBTI Edition from a college dropout that didn't even take psychology. I did take coffee, though.

A quick Google reference reveals:

The yap of the enabler: @buriedintheguts

Wade is the Thinker and Logan is the Feeler. Yes? No? Okay.

You're Deadpool on your birthday, you get told everything you've ever loved is about to die asap. You get told this by the same man who wants to guarantee it, who also has a TemPad you can use to find a Wolverine variant capable enough to make everything right. What do you do? You use the TemPad and you go on a fuckin' multiversal montage.

You're Wolverine miserable and not at all sober, with the weight of your family's deaths over your shoulders, and you get told "They can fix whatever you did! I promise!" by a motherfucker in red spandex who can regenerate and who you can perceive the sincere heartbeat of. You believe him. Later he opens his fucking mouth "If they can fix your world," and your ears ring. That fog of drunkenness goes away and a red fury replaces it. Your logic kicks in and it gets harder to breathe. What do you mean, if?

This is me talking now. I do agree that that first penetration from Logan is foreplay. But other than being a horny early 20s lady, I'm also a writer, so come here.

That first move from Logan was him feeling so betrayed that only the normalcy of his claws could express it in a satisfying way. More than that, the feeling of his claws deep inside the thigh of the person who fuckin lied to him. He only cared that Wade would understand how hurt he was, and drawing blood from The Fucker Who Regenerates is the best way they communicate. At this point in the movie, Logan knows and enjoys that violence is their language.

Probably in Logan's pov, he isn't prioritizing Wade's timeline yet. He's too busy stewing and brooding at the fact that he's been tricked yet fucking again. He was probably ignoring the voice of reason at the back of his head that already wondered 'is this guy lying?' because of his own desire to fix the things he couldn't do. Deadpool told him exactly what he wanted to hear, to get him to stay long enough to fix his world. Because the selfish fucker only cares about his own universe, and doesn't care enough about how the TVA could help Logan fix his.

In all these emotions, Logan is so present in the moment. And the moment is stabbing his claws into Wade's guts. fuck it's probably Wade who's thinking 'this is a waste of time' before he transitioned into 'oh this is actually fun' sexual innuendos aside. I know it's hard to do. I mean-

I don't mean Wade is a cold hearted bastard or Logan is a mindless emotional wreck. I mean that their survival modes are so different and so complementary to each other that it furthers the adamantium gays agenda.

All this to say, Wade takes in information by collecting facts before he acts; Logan takes in information by processing how he feels about it first before actually doing anything concrete. Thank you.

[jadedresearcher]

Thoughts on Liminal Horror

So this has been kicking around in my head a while, and I woke up with some actual coherent thoughts on it that I'm trying to capture before I lose them.

There was a tumblr post I saw before that I have long since lost about how liminal horror should NOT have a monster and isn't just "oh you're alone somewhere". And I couldn't agree more! But I haven't been able to articulate exactly why. Liminal, as a word on it's own, means transitional. Liminal spaces are real things that are places where you are on the WAY to somewhere. Liminal doesn't mean infinite spooky mazes, is my first point.

A liminal space could be hallways on the way to an office. Maybe you're trying to get some government bullshit completed. Maybe you're on the way to a doctor you're not entirely familiar with. A liminal space could be the terminals in an airport, as you try to make it to your flight in time. Or a highway you're driving on while looking for a particular exit. Or a carpark as you look for where you had parked among seemingly identical cars. You've been in liminal spaces so so many times. The point is that the spaces themselves aren't what you're really paying attention to. You're thinking of what you'll do when you get there, or going over the things you'll need to keep track of when you arrive. The directions you have to get there, maybe.

So in your MEMORY, and especially your dreams, these spaces take on a peculiar quality. They're SLIPPERY. It's hard to remember any details of them, because you weren't really focused on them. It's just a miasma of "i was in a hallway" or "i was on a road". Maybe a few weird details jump out on you, but it only serves to blend together the rest of the journey. So, when we elevate liminal spaces to HORROR, the first thing we do is lean into that. Impossible spaces because your memory genuinely does not care what any part of them is like save the ending.

Impossible spaces because we tap into that part of you deep down that is unsettled if you try to remember them, and wonders if maybe they really HAD been so weird when you were in them, and you just didn't notice.

This is getting longer than I thought, so may as well put in a cut!

So. I've explained WHAT liminal spatial horror is as well I was going to be able to, I think, but I haven't really articulated why a MONSTER feels like it kneecaps the entire premise.

Have you ever been lost in a liminal space? Keeping in mind that "liminal space" is a thing we all encounter constantly and not shorthand for creepy pastas. Have you ever wandered unfamiliar areas that normally you wouldn't even be paying attention to, increasingly desperate that you won't get to your destination in time? Are you going to miss your flight? What if you can't get your government bullshit taken care of in time? Or your doctor's appointment will skip you and you already waited so long to get it. Did you already miss your exit?

That fear is what I'm focused on here.

It's hard to make you feel that fear in an artificial way.

Even if we give a character in a game all sorts of motives to reach a destination by a certain time, you only feel annoyed at the time pressure, not really *scared*. And although the person lost in a liminal space rarely can just give up and leave, YOU, the player of a game, can.

So liminal spatial horror tends to distill it down to a single fear: where is the exit.

Of course, simply "wanting to leave" is rarely pressure enough to *rush*. And I can see why adding a monster is a quick trick to add that 'going so fast you can't navigate' vibe to the experience.

What I'm saying here is that the time spent is the POINT. That you can slowly build up to that desperate pressure to rush.

You can emphasize that desperation a more subtle way, a way my favorite instances of liminal spatial horror do: bodily needs. You are in a space clearly created by humans, and yet without a single human need met. There are no water fountains. There are no bathrooms. There are no vending machines. Nowhere to comfortably rest. If any of these things do exist they are empty or corrupt in some way.

The temperature, in my favorite experiences, is noted to be wildly incorrect. It's freezing cold. It's burning hot. It's not even remotely the temperature you'd expect an office building full of humans to be.

At first, this leans into this desire to reach a destination, ANY destination. Maybe you can't find the way OUT but maybe you can find out "The Truth"? Maybe if you keep going and going and going you can figure out why this place is LIKE this.

If a human made this space it had to be intentionally to torture people. How fucked up do you have to be to sink this many resources into doing something like this? How long did it take to make? Why did no one notice?

If a non-human intelligence made this space maybe you can find out WHY? Maybe... maybe they were trying their best but didn't realize how uncanny valley and dangerous it would be to a person? If no intelligence was behind it at all, maybe you can find out HOW? Maybe it's a reflection of our collective unconscious, or the planet mimicking the increasing amount of man-made works on itself? But as you continue on and on, as a real living human being in an impossible liminal space horror situation, you realize it doesn't matter how or why or when or any of the questions you dangled in front of yourself like a will-o-wisp driving you ever further in.

Because you realize you're going to die in here. Maybe it'll be the thirst. Humans can only go a few days without water. Maybe hunger will be what finally gets you. Its hard to tell how long you've been in here when any clocks you find in the hallways are all frozen to the same time and the sun hangs over the infinite highway like an immovable, swollen eye. But the hunger is ever present.

There's always exposure. Cold, hot, never anything between. How can you be freezing to death in an office hallway?

That isn't right. That isn't how it should be. Starving and freezing and dying of thirst is something that happens to people OUTSIDE civilization. It would make sense if you were lost in the woods but you can SEE sign after sign of civilization and other people for gods' sake!

How could this be happening? Why isn't anyone coming to help you?

And then we draw back, to you-who-is-consuming-this-fictional scenario. Because the point of horror is to get the person in the chair riled up, not just the character within the fictional premise.

Are you thinking about how often people starve and freeze and die of thirst in our own civilizations? Inches from the trappings of safety? With no help coming?

Are you thinking of how many desperate people navigate government mazes of plaster and brick and paper and online forms, driven forward by the hope of government aid or food stamps or HELP. How many people hunker down in a freezing subway or under a bridge on the highway or other public space knowing that no one SEES them because they're all transitioning from one space to another?

You probably aren't. Not directly. But we all know we're closer to freezing to death under a bridge or denied life-saving medical care in an office than we are to being a billionaire, right?

And there's something about that, deep in our gut, that resonates. That thread of reality in the safely fictional that keeps us coming back. Unable to articulate WHY but also thinking that liminal horror is somehow SCARIER than mere monsters. We all know that deadly predators are unlikely to get us. Adding a monster lets us move our too-real-fear to a safe target. And it's valid to want to do that! To decide spatial horror is too much, to want to thin it out like adding ranch dressing to a too-spicy chicken wing.

But that's why I think that the monsters are an artificial add on. And not a part of spatial horror.

[aikoiya]

I just do not understand the insistence that animals must be sentient.

Because if they were, then why are the animals that kill other animals not labeled as murderers?

Hell, why aren't cats seen as malicious, mini, jigsaw killers considering how they play with their food. Why aren't ewes looked upon with disgust for often trampling orphaned lambs that a farmer tries to get them to adopt? Why aren't wolves seen as bullies for hunting in packs to kill prey? Why aren't dolphins more acknowledged for being effing rapists?

If you believe that animals are capable of reasoning, then that automatically makes all animals that eat meat into exactly what humans that eat meat are, thus they should be looked upon with every bit as much scorn as certain vegans look upon regular ass people. And it'd also mean that any animal that hunts is a murderer.

Hell, many animals are cannibals! In fact, plenty even eat the young of other animals or even their own young if they're so much as lacking in B12!

Literally! Mother hamsters are known to eat her own babies if she's put on an all-corn diet! They don't even have to be dying because of it!

You can't claim that animals are all sentient & then not hold them responsible for their actions! That's hypocritical! Because if these animals are sentient, then they are making the active decision to commit these actions & should be held acountable for them! Period!

Seriously, unless an animal is specifically an obligate herbivore, they will likely still eat meat given the chance!

And, whether you like it or not, animals are only as vegan as their options. As soon as times get tough for a deer, it's gonna be eyeing up any little Tweeties or Thumpers they come across. Same with horses, sheep, ect.

In fact, if animals are as deserving of life & respect as us, then doesn't that make having pets the same as slavery? And how do cat owners even justify feeding their pets? At least those that force their cats into a vegan lifestyle are being consistent even though they're abusing the poor things. Those cats aren't gonna live to be 10 years old on a diet like that & they'll be miserable the whole time.

Like, how do people twist their brains into so many directions just to justify their lifestyles??

Seriously, humans are so freaking unique within the animal kingdom. We are probably the only creatures who would do all this nonsense for the sake of critters that honestly don't give an eff.

Like, dude, whatever. You don't wanna eat meat, then don't. No skin off my brow. More brisket for me! But don't moralize your choice & don't demonize those who love a delicious steak.

Here's what some don't seem to understand; those animals are gonna die anyway, whether it's by the hand of man, a predator animal, sickness, or old age. Their days are numbered no matter what. And, quite frequently, they'll still get eaten. So, in the end, what's the difference if a sheep is eaten by a human or a buzzard or a coyote?

You didn't save that sheep's life. You only postponed the inevitable. Because if you're not the one who eats it, then someone or something else will. You cannot stop it.

And it's likely going to hurt regardless, so saying shit like "anything to reduce at least a little bit of the pain in the world" is just pure naiveté. You haven't reduced the pain in the world even a little. And in fact, considering how a lot of animals don't even care if their food is all-the-way dead as they're eating them, you could even say that that animal might end up experiencing even more pain than if they'd been killed by a human.

And that isn't even taking into account sickness or accidents! How do you know that that animal's last moments won't be spent in complete misery or abject fear??

Because one of the things about humans is that, for the most part, we prefer our food dead-dead before we eat it. And we intentionally go out of our ways to make death as painless a transition as possible, even for the animals we're gonna eat.

If we're gonna keep it 100, ya'll. Humans can be some of the gentlest, most merciful killers on earth.

Hell, we have laws against animal cruelty!

And, the thing is, animals... don't. Period. In fact, most don't make it to old age.

So, in the end, your efforts were meaningless.