#and there are at least 3 pieces of media that drive me insane trying to find them | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jamaiskookie · 4 years ago

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meet me in your memories (knj)

✂︎ pairing: memory traveller namjoon x gender neutral reader

✂︎ wc: 11.8k

✂︎ TW// car crash, mentions of death, crying, mental health, mental breakdowns, spoilers for frozen 1?? um, vomiting, mentions of PTSD, three seconds of family drama, memory loss

✂︎ notes: a little gift from me for being away so long <3 luv yall also ignore how short and shitty this is!!! ignore it!!!!!

✂︎ synopsis: namjoon is a memory traveller - he is thrusted back and forth into his world and the world of his memories, forced to re-enact his past experiences. but he doesn’t recognise you, who keeps showing up in his memories. why doesn’t he remember you? why can’t he recall any of these scenes if they’re supposed to be his memories? and why does it always feel like he’s forgetting something?

he comes to find out that he would choose you over and over again, in whatever lifetime or world he’s in. because he always returns to you.

✂︎ fic tunes: "eight"- iu (prod. & feat. suga) but you're at your favorite secret spot after a long day by neptjoon

masterlist asks

The road is slippery and Namjoon cranes his head out to look at the window. Rain splattering everywhere, he notes worriedly. He hopes that nobody crashes. The bus driver sitting about three meters in front of him is humming a melody to a song he doesn’t know nor recognise. While listening to the poor man hum the off beat tune, Namjoon sits in silence, wondering how sad it must be to drive a bus with no passengers but himself.

Suddenly, his stomach drops and his head spins, and this time Namjoon is certain it’s not from the rain or the driver’s subpar driving. He lurches forward, watching as the rain knocks against the window and falls in thick ribbons.

Click.

In an instant, Namjoon’s world collapses around him and he is thrown into his mind.

Seoul is sweltering hot - hot like he’s never felt before. Namjoon reaches up to clutch his head, which is still spinning, and finds himself standing in a pair of light washed baggy jeans and a sleeveless tee shirt, unlike the padding coat and thick boots he had on just a moment ago.

“Namjoon!” Someone squeals behind him and his heart jumps. He jumps around, facing you and the view of hot street food stalls and tall buildings behind you. Suddenly, his hand is reaching out to grab onto yours and you smile softly.

He hears his own voice ring out, clear as day: “Don’t run. I was looking for you.”

“Psh.” You wave off his concern, handing him a shiny golden hotteok. You hold an identical one in your fist, so he accepts it and murmurs his thanks, tearing apart the pancake and stuffing it into his mouth. Sweet, hot honey and small pieces of walnut flood into his mouth, and Namjoon is momentarily surprised. Science states that you cannot taste or physically feel anything in your dreams.

But Namjoon already proved that wrong long ago.

He takes you by hand and drags you over to a shelter, for some rest, apparently uninterested in your cries of wanting more tteokbokki or some Chinese food. He flings you over to his side and places his hand over your shoulder, while you both silently devour your hotteoks.

“This was a nice date.” You mumble tentatively, and oh. That’s what this is? A date? He wants to turn around and ask you for your name. Where are you from? Why am I here again? He wants to scream it out until his lungs hurt and he gets an answer that makes sense, but no matter how much he tries, his throat will not allow those words to tumble out of his lips.

Why don’t I remember you?

Instead, he replies: “Yeah, it was. This was fun.” He tilts his head down to smile at you and Namjoon finds himself nervous. Nervous enough that his hands are shaking against his will, but he tells himself that the sweat and the nervousness are all side effects of the swampy heat this summer.

You beam at him and Namjoon thinks you’re an angel. You lean up onto his chest to place a soft kiss onto his lips and Namjoon thinks about when he’s going to be thrown back out of his head.

“Wanna go home?” He asks, nudging at the sky, which is already filled up with first streaks of the sunset. Purple hues and pinks and blues that all blend together nicely. You watch the sky for a moment.

“Never.” You offer no explanation after that and Namjoon doesn’t pry. He feels like he understands you, which is scarier than any other encounter he’s faced, in real life and in here. You stare up at him more intensely, and a shudder of fear runs down Namjoon’s back. “I just want to stay here forever,” You enunciate, like you want him to remember this. “Just Y/N and Namjoon.”

Something tugs in his chest and Namjoon screams in his head, no. Longer. Not now. He slips away, gone, disappeared from the world before he can even tell you how pretty your name is. And he awakens back at the bus, where the driver is shaking him and yelling at him to get out.

Namjoon walks home in the rain, yelling out your name in happiness until his neighbours come over politely asking him to shut the fuck up.

“Y/N, Y/N, Y/N, Y/N… Y/N?” He keeps repeating the name over and over again, enough to make Seokjin annoyed, who has moved away from Namjoon’s desk to the sofa in his office just to escape the random spiel that Namjoon is hurriedly rushing through.

“I can’t find a single Y/N in here!” Namjoon cries frustratingly, and the corners of Seokjin’s eyes soften in something that is either pity or empathy. He discards his non-fiction novel about drag queens and wigs to come over and clap a hand on Namjoon’s shoulder.

“My friend, my crazy, idiotic, slightly insane friend.” Seokjin bends down. “You’ve checked all your yearbooks, social media, archives, newspapers… Have you perhaps considered that this person wasn’t that important? Just a passing stranger?”

“No.” Namjoon shoots down stubbornly. “They appear far too often for them not to be important.” So Seokjin shrugs, leaving Namjoon to, once again, search through the Facebook friends of a friend of a friend of a friend.

But no Y/N’s pop up, and he’s wondering if Y/N was just a nickname. Was it even your real name? With a sigh and one single (rather impressive) agitated brow wave, he lets go and spills. He tells Seokjin about how he finally learned your name, about the places you’ve been together and how much you adore street food.

He appreciates Seokjin for being a good friend, for sitting there and not interrupting to call him a crazy person, even if he is most certainly thinking about it in his head. Because Seokjin, at least, knows about a miniscule part of Namjoon’s tragic life. He doesn’t understand, but he gets it, and that’s all Namjoon needs in a friend.

He doesn’t tell Seokjin about how soft and pillowy your lips feel against his, he doesn’t tell you how much he longs to do unspeakable things to you when you show up in those blue short shorts. He definitely doesn’t tell him how much he loves your name.

Seokjin suggests a number of things. That perhaps you are a character from long ago, or maybe a passing stranger Namjoon once had a summer fling with. You may be someone long forgotten like a mutual friend in high school or college. He also suggests a psychiatric hospital to screw his head back on (as a joke, Namjoon’s pretty sure.)

But none of those seem right. Namjoon does his best to explain, he really does. For an award winning journalist and aspiring writer, he does just about a terrible job of trying to string his words together. Seokjin pinches the bridge of his nose and falls back onto the sofa, already spacing out. Namjoon weakly cries out that he knows you. He really does - he just doesn’t remember how, or why.

Like a puzzle with a few missing pieces.

He wonders when and if the missing pieces will ever make their way over to him.

Namjoon gives up and flops down onto the sofa next to Jin, who squeaks out various protests about how heavy he is and how stupidly huge his arms have gotten after he started working out, along the lines of comparing him to Jungkook and calling him a gym rat.

As usual, Namjoon doesn’t listen.

It’s difficult to explain the feeling of falling to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The cursed Click echoes out and suddenly, the world spins around, the axis breaks and he’s physically thrown into another time, another place… another memory that he can’t seem to recall. His stomach lurches, his head hurts and there’s a small breeze flowing in.

For a short moment, the loops of space and time are completely open to him. He can’t see it, but he can feel it. It flips his mind completely upside down and boom. He’s in a specific, random time and place. His body feels light, and every step he takes, he can physically feel it: He doesn’t belong here. He isn’t supposed to be here. Everything feels different. Even the air is more smoky, because something in this world is suddenly wrong, and it’s him.

The next time he meets you, he is in just about the worst place to fall. Sitting in a press conference, his stomach drops and he’s dreading the fall. Namjoon can already hear his boss screaming at him, and he desperately tries to root himself to his seat, typing whatever the assemblyman is yapping on and on about. About farming and agriculture and tax cuts…

Click.

He can distantly hear the assemblyman candidate talk about corrupt government workers as he’s thrusted out of his world and into another.

The memory he has the pleasure to be in this time is something not too unfamiliar. For a second, he thinks if this is just a normal day of him in his cramped, tiny city apartment. Until he turns around and realises you’re lying right next to him, sound asleep and nuzzling into the side of his neck.

The air is crisp. It’s spring, not winter anymore, and he can hear the flower petals outside his apartment complex falling lightly on the ground. This, Namjoon thinks, may just be the best memory he’s been in. The press conference and his life and his boss slips his mind and he cradles you in his chest, holding you closer and closing his eyes shut.

“Mm?” You mumble, half asleep. “You’re suffocating me.” You hoarsely call out, and Namjoon releases you with an insincere apology. He brushes the hair out of your hair and grins, framing you in his head. He reaches to his alarm clock, which is right next to his bed as it always is to check the time.

April 1st, 2017.

Oh god, Namjoon winces. This means he still has that god awful haircut right now. He reaches up to feel his head, and sure enough, the horrible slicked back bleached hair is still there, an unfortunate result of his friend Hoseok daring him to drunk dye his hair.

“You’re awake?” He asks you, and you nod slowly.

He wonders if this memory precedes or follows the one he had with you last time, and he desperately hopes things are going in chronological order. He wants to know you just as much as you know him. Namjoon naively prays to whatever deity that controls his dreamworld: Please follow things step by step, follow the clock.

You roll around, saying something he can’t really catch. He asks you what you said and for the first time today, you peel open your eyes directly facing him. Namjoon’s heart almost falls out of his ass, seeing your eyes bore into his own.

“Where’s my morning kiss?” You ask cutely, nudging his nose with your own button nose.

“Right here.” He finds himself saying, leaning in to close the inches in between your two faces. You taste like hotteok, even early in the morning. You taste like a spring day and a never ending forever. As your lips capture his and his everything is consumed by thoughts of you, Namjoon begs himself to kiss you harder.

His past self declines politely, and Namjoon thinks about whether this counts as himself being controlled if he himself is still controlling what he says and does.

In that moment, listening to your slow breathing and someone across the street playing simple, melodic piano chords, Namjoon tells himself: Do not ever forget April 1st, 2017. You rise from the bed and some form of protest bubbles up from Namjoon’s mouth, to which you just laugh and drag him out of bed with the excuse of wanting breakfast.

You push him into the bathroom, where he expects to meet his sad single grey towel and foggy mirror. You push him in front, and he cringes at the sight of his hair in the mirror. You sigh.

“Calm down. The blonde looks sexy. You can dye it back black later.” He laughs, because it’s clearly not very sexy. For once, his past self is doing exactly what the current Namjoon is pleading him to do. Does it count as reliving your memories if someone else was living through them originally? But, he reminds himself while you hand him a green toothbrush and squeeze a dollop of toothpaste on both your toothbrushes, this is him. He lived through this once and he is just taking a trip down memory lane.

The person who lived through this before was him.

He has to remind himself many more times before it sinks in.

You brush your teeth next to him, fluffing your hair and squinting in the mirror to wake yourself up. Without a second of hesitation, Namjoon brings the toothbrush up and starts to brush his teeth. Nothing has ever felt more domestic or right than this, despite the tentative steps and heavy lead feeling in his throat telling him he still isn’t supposed to be here.

You spit out toothpaste in the sink to gargle your mouth and Namjoon mimics you exactly. Somehow, you find yourselves in the kitchen, giggling while making some sort of french toast with an abundance of cinnamon floating through the air. Which makes Namjoon cough and makes you laugh even harder.

“This is a perfect morning.” You say, peering out the window to watch the city life slowly bustling to life. People scrambling out their doors, ushering their children or pets with them. People you don’t recognise going on walks or runs. Mailmen and delivery people dropping off packages and people yelling into their phones as they hurriedly walk along the sidewalk.

And you and Namjoon, calmly staying in your pajamas while frying toast on the pan.

“Is something burning?” You ask, sniffing the air, and Namjoon’s blood runs cold.

“Oh, shit!”

You smile and shake your head while Namjoon attempts to save the blackened piece of bread to no avail. He catches sight of the corners of your mouth lifting, even as you chastise him about watching the stove and ranting on about how you’re never going to trust him in the kitchen again. Namjoon watches your pink lips, stained with a brown mudge of cinnamon french toast mixture, which lifts up and your head falls back, hair flowing around your head like a halo.

Your laugh plays out in front of him in slow motion, and absentmindedly, he thanks that deity he prayed to for slowing this moment down. Because if there’s anything he yearns most to remember, it’s the way you laugh. A chuckle makes its way out of his own throat as well, and he’s not sure who’s in control at the moment.

Himself or himself in the past?

Either way, they both did the right thing. Namjoon forgets. He forgets the life he has back home, he forgets Seokjin’s warnings, he forgets that he has at least a hundred articles waiting for him at work to be written. He forgets that this world is nothing but a chance for him to follow the footsteps of what he once did, with no control to say or do anything he wishes to do himself.

But, oh, he really can’t bring himself to care.

Those piano chords from before blend together beautifully, and you scrape the black toast into the garbage can, still teasing him relentlessly, and oh. Oh, this is what it means to have a home. You made this junk of a house into a home, and he feels like he has to return here. This is where he’s meant to return to, everyday. Each time.

You turn around after discarding the toast and with a bright smile, you ask him to kiss you again. Namjoon thinks that he doesn’t ever have the capability to deny you when you smile like that, so he complies and crashes his lips onto yours.

The lead, heavy feeling in his throat is still weighing him down. Except Namjoon isn’t sure whether it’s weighing him down to this world or the real world.

The cursed deity pulls him back, pulling him through the time and space back to his own responsibilities and life. His heart is wrenched out and he reaches out, trying to grasp your hand for the last time. He falls back to his own world in a hospital bed and an IV attached to his arm with half a piece of french toast dangling in his mouth and another promise he makes with himself to meet you again with a smile on his face.

Memories… memories that he’s lived through but can’t remember. Memories he slips into to live momentarily through the actions and words of his old self.

Somewhere along the line of diving back and forth his own life and this past one, he has forgotten which is which.

“Most likely due to exhaustion. Lack of sleep, lack of rest. It’s quite common with working young adults, workaholics. I’m putting him on medical leave for the rest of the week. He needs a rest - He needed it yesterday. Don’t worry too much, Mrs. Kim. A long nap and a meal or two will fix him right back up.” Namjoon groggily registers the white walls and beeping noises, the chatter of doctors and nurses rushing around.

He’s in a hospital, and a rush of fear runs straight through his blood. He sits up to eye his mother, sitting next to him and holding his hand. She shushes him, laying him back down on the bed, but all he can do is panic.

“No, not here. Not here again.” He mumbles incoherently. His mother puts a hand over his eyes, shushing him again and telling him softly to go back to sleep. He doesn’t want to go to sleep, he wants to get out of here. But his eyelids are already feeling heavy and he weakly fights against his body, but before he can even process it, his eyes are shut and he is asleep.

Seeing her son close his eyes and drift off to sleep, Mrs. Kim turns back to the doctor.

“I’m not surprised,” She starts. “He’s always worked himself to the bone. But that’s not what I’m worried about. I’m worried about his brain.” The doctor cocks his head and looks through the papers which are clipped to a clipboard in his arms.

“Ah, yes. I see he was in a car accident a few years ago.” Doctors are some of the most heartless people, and you can always tell how experienced a doctor is by how much sympathy they show. This doctor shows none at all, which must mean he’s been working for a long time.

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Kim.” The doctor continues, peering over Namjoon’s sleeping body. “I see he suffered light effects after the accident. Selective amnesia, no external damages to the skull. He didn’t suffer as much. In fact, I believe the doctor in charge believed that the amnesia was mostly due to the shock of the event. But he’s received treatment for PTSD since then, right?”

Mrs. Kim nods.

“Good. Doctor Park also noted at the time that his amnesia actually didn’t affect much of his memory. He couldn’t remember distant relatives or kindergarten friends, but that seemed to be the extent of his amnesia. Oh,” The doctor slipped through the clipboard. “He also couldn’t remember certain knowledge about philosophers such as Freud, which he was, quote, ‘devastated over’ un-quote.”

Mrs. Kim stays silent.

“So, you don’t have to worry too much. Best thing your son could do for his well being is rest. And a therapist if he has a relapse or shows some symptoms such as sleep difficulties or nightmares, or physical signs like fatigue and nausea.”

Mrs. Kim nods. “Thank you, doctor.”

That’s it, and she turns back to her son, with her hand in his. She stays there, unmoving until he opens his eyes, mumbling incoherent questions and asking his mother why he is in the hospital again, demanding to be discharged immediately. Her heart breaks a little, small cracks form for her beloved son and she kisses him on the forehead, telling him he’d be out of here in no time.

“What did you see?” She asks quietly, and Namjoon is surprised. She never asks him about his memory walks. It’s taboo to mention it in his household. Not even his sister is comfortable talking about it. “Anything? At all? You passed out at a rather unfortunate time, I heard.” She continues.

“Nothing much.” Namjoon replies, lying through his teeth and trying to justify it with the sight of your laugh. He leans back and closes his eyes once more, bringing up his memories of you and your bedhead. He tries to fill the gap inside of him with thoughts of you, as if that can make up for the empty feeling that he’s forgetting something.

In the hospital, staring at a white ceiling and glaring lights, Namjoon is left to think about what’s happening to his head. During the end of his rather short stay, he comes up with a terrifying conclusion. One that scares him more than he could imagine, but it’s the only one that makes sense. He’s falling in love with you.

He voices out this concern to Seokjin when he visits after his mother leaves. Seokjin stays silent, mumbling out an apology that feels like the wrong thing to say. The elder boy can only look at his friend with sadness in his eyes, telling him that someone as great as Namjoon shouldn’t be suffering so much pain. Namjoon jokes that a witch must have cursed him when he was born.

None of the two friends laugh.

This routine continues on and on, without Namjoon dwelling too much on it. Which is so much unlike Namjoon, whose main personality trait is overthinking about the smallest things. He lets the flow of time and space take him wherever they wish to plop him down. He lets the evil deity toy with his heart and wrench him away whenever you smile the largest.

It hurts right after he is torn away from you, but he’s filled with so much joy in the moment that he can’t bring himself to do anything else about it. Even if he wanted to do something without it, he has no idea where on earth he might start.

Sometimes he questions the validity of his memories. What is real, what is fake? He still can’t answer, and this is what he spends most of his time wondering about. The memories he has with you don’t make sense. Those are large gaps in his life that he seems to have no recollection of.

He goes everywhere with you.

One day he showed up on November 5th, 2015.

The next day he jumped to August 23rd, 2017.

Another time, he was thrown into March 15th, 2016.

None of it makes sense. Are they not memories? He thinks. There’s no possible way he’s spent this much of his life with you and can’t recall any of it. What is real - the world he spends with you, or the world where he always returns to by default?

And yet, nothing else can explain these short periods of blackouts. Ever since one day in some horrible hospital, he’s gone under and pulled and thrusted into some land where he has no control over his own hands. Everything else makes sense. This world, everything else is accurate from the settings to the props, with one anomaly in his memory.

A character who goes by the name of Y/N.

He could go the science-y logic route that he so often frequents, come up with theories that can somewhat explain these periods of time. Theories that include explanations such as hallucinations, or that Seokjin’s right and he’s finally gone crazy. You’re just a figment of his imagination, that this is all in his head and he’s out of his mind.

But he rejects all those theories when he’s clicked into another memory. Somehow, he just understands. These are memories. These are memories he’s had with you, whether that was in a past life or in some sort of messed up alternate timeline where he’s actually happy.

Is this a gift or another curse from this stupid deity?

He has too many questions.

He cannot explain these memories using science, logic, common sense, or even using his own words. But in the moment, while you’re in his arms, he can feel it. He can explain it by describing the way you smell, like pancakes and fresh mint. He can explain it by describing the way you feel, like a warm marshmallow filling up his insides and consuming him.

It’s cheesy, cringier than Seokjin’s dad jokes, but only he gets it.

Namjoon is in his living room, switching channels on the TV and thinking about this when his stomach sinks again. He braces himself, and disappears.

Click.

Seoul is freezing cold. The air is light and he is sitting on a bench on his college campus, rubbing his hands together and zipping up his huge jacket over his sweater. Namjoon shudders, his body not yet used to the bite of the cold compared to the warm breeze he was just enjoying.

He sniffles, nose slightly red like some knockoff Rudolph and wanders around. His body pulls him to go to the right, despite the warm coffee shop being on the left. He shudders again and tries to protest, but his body won’t listen, standing up and walking over to the right with no particular destination in mind. Students are rushing around, complaining about the cold and talking about their next party or study session.

Namjoon pulls himself forwards, and thank god this version of himself still has terrible tolerance for the cold, because he reaches up and pulls his beanie down over his ears, still wandering around aimlessly. Where are you going? Namjoon wants to scream out frustratingly.

His brain doesn’t reply and Namjoon sulks.

Eventually, he is pulled over to another bench, outside in the cold, and he sits down, deeply resenting himself and wondering why on earth he just stood up from one bench to walk to another one. If anything, it’s colder here. He watches the students that pass by for a minute or two, thinking that this is the most boring memory he’s ever been in.

There is no snow falling, but almost everything on campus is lined with a sheet of ice or cold steam. Namjoon nuzzles deeper into his own clothes, cursing himself for not being able to go buy another sweater or something to fight the extreme cold.

Suddenly, you appear in front of him and Namjoon perks up. There you are. He thinks. Finally. You come over and sit down, holding something in your hands. He smiles, waiting for you to speak up and greet him with a kiss that will surely warm him up, but you silently sit next to him, ignoring him. Namjoon urges himself to say something, but instead, he continues to watch the students bustling through campus grounds without looking at you.

Are we fighting? Is Y/N mad at me?

This is excruciatingly frustrating, Namjoon bites his tongue and thinks. Why can’t he just say something? Abruptly, something lands on his jacket with a splat and he straightens up, snapping his neck towards you, who is looking at the yogurt splat on his jacket with a look of terror.

“Oh my gosh!” You squeak out, quickly setting your yogurt aside and reaching for some tissues in your purse. “Oh, god, oh god, I’m so sorry. Please, let me-” Namjoon frowns, taking his hands out of his pockets to thumb at his jacket, debating whether he wants to take it off or not.

You lean over, pawing at his jacket and wiping the yogurt off of his jacket. “I’m so sorry!”

“No, don’t worry.” Namjoon says, chuckling. He reaches for another tissue, helping you get the yogurt off of him. “It’s no big deal.” The yogurt is mostly wiped off and you side eye him with the unmistakable look of guilt filling your eyes. Namjoon laughs again.

“It’s fine, really! No, don’t worry about it.”

“I’m literally so sorry. Do you want me to pay for dry cleaning? Laundry? I can, um, wash it for you! I’m not the best at laundry, but it’s the least I could do?”

Namjoon briefly wonders why you’re being so polite.

“No, it’s fine.” The words tumble out his mouth again before he can process it. “Really, this jacket is old, anyway.” Not really, Namjoon thinks. It feels really new. “But who the hell eats cold yogurt in this kind of weather?” He jokes. “You sure you’re not a demon?”

You freeze, terrified before realising he was cracking a joke. “Oh. Hah! Yeah, no, I guess I just really like yogurt.” You offer lamely, and you break out into a small giggle. “Yeah, I guess I kind of am a psycho for eating it right now. It’s freezing today.”

“God, tell me about it.” Namjoon says, stuffing his hands back into his pockets.

“Thanks for not going bonkers on me. This jacket looks insanely expensive.”

“Not really.”

“I’m Y/N.” You greet, holding a hand out for him to shake. I know, Namjoon thinks with a secret smile, but everything makes sense now. You don’t know him yet. To you in this moment in time, he’s just a random stranger who didn’t blow up on you after spraying some yogurt onto you. To him, you’re… you’re…

“Oh, um, I’m Namjoon.” He says, hurriedly taking a hand out of his pocket to shake your outstretched hand. Your fingers meet and Namjoon swears a small zap just went through his hand.

“Namjoon. Nice to meet you, Namjoon.” You say with a small smile, yogurt already long forgotten on the bench beside you two.

“It’s nice to meet you too.” He says in return, even though he doesn’t mean it. He already knows you, he knows you better than everyone. He knows your favourite food is Korean street food, and you always wake him up with kisses and your favourite colour is periwinkle and you absolutely hate abalone with more passion than he’s ever seen in his entire life.

But this is your first time seeing him, ever, he reminds himself. This is your meet cute. This single moment set off the events in the next god knows how many years. This is the first time he ever had your name grace his tongue. This is the first time you’ve seen him.

Another moment to treasure. You let go of his hand, after realising you two have been shaking hands for much longer than the socially acceptable rate of hand shaking. Blushing, either from the cold or humiliation, you sit, turn back around, grabbing a hold of your yogurt once more.

Suddenly, Namjoon finds himself blurting out: “Hey, you wanna go get some coffee?” You look over curiously, pointing to yourself like you can’t believe he’s asking you out, because you don’t know that you’re all he ever thinks about at any given moment in any given day. “You’ll probably freeze your ass off if you keep eating that yogurt.” He jokes, pretending like this is all because he’s caring about how cold you are and not how cute or incredible or kind you are.

“Sure.” You say, nodding shyly. He stands up, leading you to walk over to the left where the campus coffee shop is. Along the way, you throw the yogurt cup in the trash.

“You can’t bring food brought from outside into a shop, right?” You ask.

Namjoon smiles. “Yeah.” He stays there until night takes over the sky and one single twinkling star in the sky is signalling that it’s time to go home. Possibly the longest time he’s ever spent in a memory. He keeps glancing at the clock, praying that he gets one more minute with you, one more second, one more moment.

At any time, he could be pulled out of this world, and he needs to make the most of it. You tell him about your childhood bedroom and your major. You tell him about the love you have for pancakes, and how much you want a puppy even though it’s prohibited in the on campus dorms. He nods, pretending like this is all new information even though it’s not, and he’s known all of this for the longest time. He knows you better than you know yourself, which he keeps to himself.

In return, he tells you about his own childhood bedroom, which was adorned with posters of western hip hop rappers. He tells you about his passions for writing and music, that if he didn’t major in journalism, he’d be studying music production in school. He tells you that he’s obsessed with philosophy, and in all honesty, is a bit of a nerd.

Instead of laughing or pulling a face, you nod and smile, saying that you think he should tell you more about philosophy on a second date.

You leave the coffee shop with a small goodbye, and even though he desperately wants to, Namjoon can’t kiss you.

He gets pulled back after you disappear pass the corner of the street, and the world morphes into a huge motion blur. When he gets pulled back into his living room, the TV is playing late night TV shows already. Namjoon checks the time. He was pulled in for five hours, the longest he’s ever been in that world.

After that, no matter how much more he prays and begs, he never stays any longer than that.

Three days later, Namjoon suddenly pops into Hong Kong, which is hotter than anything he’s ever felt. The streets are heavy with people, squabbling in cantonese while selling raw meats in a wet market. The sun is glaringly bright, and Namjoon starts to sweat almost instantaneously. Taxis and huge buses drive past, Namjoon jumps to a side only to find a vast ocean. He’s at the harbour front.

The smell of food, of egg tarts and pineapple buns and meat dumplings along with other Hong Kong delicacies waft through the air, combined with the salty air of the sea. It makes for a strange combination that confuses his senses but works nonetheless.

He thought he knew a city like Seoul, but this is a true city. This is busy and fast paced like he’s never even seen before. People shove each other aside to catch the bus, dogs are yapping everywhere and he soaks it all in before the thought enters his head.

What the hell is he doing in Hong Kong?

It’s like every time he wonders aloud, you pop up. “I’ve been looking for you.” You say, echoing the words he said to you that day in the streets of Seoul.

“I was exploring!“ He says defensively, and you roll your eyes.

“Come on.” You say, walking along the harbour front.

“You’re not still mad at me, are you?” Namjoon asks, the words spilling out and surprising himself. Are you mad at him? You’ve never been mad at him before, not in the memories he’s seen. He hasn’t ever seen you fight with him, and immediately, he wants to apologise, fix things before he’s pulled back out and he has to live with the guilt and overthinking of whether you’re still mad at him for the next week.

“Can’t believe you’re mad at me during our vacation.” Namjoon says, and that’s why he’s in Hong Kong, he realises. He’s on vacation. How strange. Namjoon thinks back to when the last time he took a break from work and the only thing he can think of is when that doctor put him on medical leave not too long ago. Oh no, you’re mad at him on holiday?

“Well, what am I supposed to do?” You retort back, and Namjoon has never heard your voice this curt. “Just sit around pretending like everything's okay?”

“What do you want me to do?” Namjoon replies. “You act like this is my fault!”

“It is your fault!” You cry out indignantly, and Namjoon knows that, but why? What did he do? What did you do? “Is this even a vacation?”

“Yes!” Namjoon cries out again in response, and you shake your head.

“You promised, Namjoon.” You say like it’s a warning.

“Yes, I know,” Namjoon says, even though he doesn’t and really, what on earth did he do? “But this is out of my hands! I can’t just say no, you’re not looking at this from my point of view.”

“You’re not looking at this from my point of view!” You argue back, and Namjoon looks around, realising that this squabble is attracting a small crowd of chinese people, gathering around to watch the free entertainment along the sidewalk of Victoria harbour. He awkwardly laughs, raising his hand and bows, a universal sign of apology, grabbing your hand and walking to the other direction.

“Come on, I’d rather not have the whole city witness our fight.”

“Oh, so this is a fight now?”

“What? Yes!” Namjoon says exasperatedly. “How else would you classify this argument?”

Once he makes it to somewhere with at least a sliver of privacy, he turns around with his brows furrowed and a glare etched on his features. Why do you look so angry? Namjoon chastises himself. Just relax, relax, relax. As usual, his body doesn’t listen.

“Why are you so mad at this?” Namjoon asks, and feels a flow of relief go down his spine. Finally.

“It’s not just this instance, Joon. I know work is important, but sometimes it feels like you put literally anything else above me! Like last time? You bailed on our date, like, at least twice. You keep saying you can’t say no, but you can. You have that right, Namjoon.”

Namjoon’s heart softens a little bit. His workaholic tendencies ended up biting him in the ass after all. Sighing he rubs the back of his neck, eyes glued to the floor. “I’m not prioritising work over you, baby.” He tries to explain, and tries to ignore how his heart sinks when your eyes turn stony at the sound of the pet name he often uses to address you.

“It’s just important to me as well, okay? It’s not my fault my boss heard I was going to Hong Kong and insisted I come to interview some investors about Hong Kong’s economy.” He explains slowly. “It couldn’t take more than a single day to get everything organised and tidied up.”

“But-!” You huff angrily, spitting out your words. “You don’t understand! You keep doing this, Namjoon. You keep working, working, working. It’s been this way since college. It’s like you’ll die if you just take a break to come talk to me. I even went over to your office to have lunch with you last week and they told me you were in a meeting.”

“It was important!” Namjoon insists and he can feel things sinking and getting worse and worse with every word he says. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? You can’t expect me to put you in front of all of my responsibilities. I’m sure you have things you can’t give up for me too.”

Hearing that felt like a slap to the face to both you and Namjoon, and he’s screaming at himself internally, why would you say something so, so, stupid?

“Excuse me?” Your broken voice rings out and Namjoon’s accusatory finger falls.

“Wait.” He mumbles, fumbling with his hands. “Wait, I didn’t mean that. Wait, I-”

“Fine!” You yell angrily. “You think nothing’s more important than work? You think I haven’t given up anything for you, Kim Namjoon? Because I’d quit and give up anything for you, you asshole.” You bite out, tears desperately trying not to fall. “You fucking asshole.” You say, before turning back around to weave through the crowd.

“No, wait, baby!” He calls out, and even he knows that he’s messed up. Messed up big time. That was more hurtful than any cuss word or insult he could’ve ever said. “Kim fucking Namjoon, you idiot.” He mumbles to himself. Seeing you cry is more painful than anything else in the world, Namjoon thinks. He’s not ever going to see that sight again if he can help it.

He walks forward, trying to find you. Maybe you went back to the hotel, or went to look at the sea to clear your head. He thinks he sees the back of your head for a second, and he reaches forward, clutching at air. He’s about to cry, and Namjoon has never seen himself be more pathetic.

“Oh no, where are you?” He murmurs to himself like a crazed man. What if you were hurt somewhere? He needs to know you’re safe, he needs to know you’re okay, he needs to make everything better. With each step, the lead feeling in his throat grows heavier and heavier until he feels like it’s sunk to his chest. He wants to kneel down, he wants it to stop hurting, but he can’t.

He must aimlessly follow his shell to do whatever he is doing now.

The lead feeling continues to grow, and Namjoon feels like he’s suffocating. He’s not supposed to be here, he reminds himself. But he has to find you first, then he can leave. Then he can go, but where are you? He wants to cry, he wants to breathe.

Namjoon tells himself to gasp for air, but he cannot. He tells himself if this is the last time he ever sees you, he needs to see you smile. He needs to see you laugh.

Like the pattern in the rest of his meaningless life, an evil deity always pulls him away from the ones he loves when he needs them most. He feels the lead feeling being lifted and pure panic races to Namjoon’s head. He tries to croak out no. He tries to resist, he shoves people aside and calls out your name. But no one answers him, and the cruel deity laughs at his demise.

He is too weak, too weak to control himself.

Namjoon is plucked out of the world and transported back to his bedroom with the threads of time slowly ravelling and tangling themselves around his neck, all while he reaches forward, only to grasp at air and pretend in his head that everything’s alright.

When he reaches his bedroom and wakes up, he stumbles into the bathroom and vomits, all while longing for the warmth of your lips.

Walking around dazedly, Namjoon somehow manages to make his way to Seokjin and Jimin’s apartment, knocking and hoarsely asking them to open, open up please. Because he’s not sure he can hold on to another night alone. Jimin opens the door instantly and catches Namjoon in his arms, frantically calling for Seokjin to come fast.

They lay him on the couch, hearts slowly breaking and trying to convince themselves their friend will be fine as they watch Namjoon whimper in his sleep.

Namjoon wakes to the smell of breakfast, of bacon on the stove and Jimin chattering around while watering his plants. He gets up, headache pounding and throat sore. Seokjin wordlessly hands him a few pills and a glass of water, while Jimin plates up breakfast, placing the sausage, eggs and toast separately on the plate because Namjoon can’t stand it when food on his plate touches.

Silently, the three friends eat. Nobody speaks until Namjoon clears his throat and looks up.

“Thank you.“ He whispers.

“What are friends for?” Jimin says.

Namjoon wonders why he’s got such amazing friends. Jin replies that he was born perfect and God created him like this, so Namjoon shouldn’t dwell too much on it. Jimin and Namjoon both throw a spoon of scrambled eggs in his direction simultaneously, high fiving without missing a beat when Jin lets out a protest of unjust behaviour.

As the three friends sit quietly, Namjoon says: “I think I’m going mad.”

“I’m glad you’ve realised.” Seokjin replies offhandedly.

“I don’t think I can keep going between these worlds. I think it’s making me lose my mind.”

Jimin stills. Seokjin stops washing the dishes and turns off the faucet.

“Do… do you know how to stop it?” Jimin asks hesitantly. Namjoon shakes his head, and Seokjin sighs, in deep thought, which is a strange and rare sight to see itself.

“Well, I guess we’ll have to figure this out together.” Seokjin says casually. Jimin agrees and the faucet comes back on, Seokjin going straight back to washing the pan he used to fry up the scrambled eggs. Jimin unplugs the toaster and Namjoon sits, smiling at his beloved friends.

“You can borrow some of my shirts.” Jimin calls from the bathroom. “You know, if you want to stay over a couple more nights. Feel free.”

“Make yourself at home and shit.” Seokjin mutters, waving his hand around sarcastically. Namjoon almost bursts out into tears of happiness, but he decides to hold it in until Seokjin doesn’t have access to his phone and won’t put Namjoon’s breakdown on instagram live.

The next day, the entire gang comes over, all with varying degrees of understanding what the hell is going on with Namjoon. For example, Yoongi pretty much knows as much as Seokjin does, who still doesn’t really understand what’s going on. Taehyung was just told Namjoon’s been feeling down because God knows that boy has a big mouth and definitely can’t keep a secret to save his life.

Seokjin supplies homemade snacks and burgers fresh off the grill, Yoongi brings over his unlimited Netflix and HBO account passwords he probably stole off of some innocent family member to watch Disney movies, Taehyung comes over with Yeontan clutched to his side because that’s the group's emotional support dog. Jungkook and Hoseok offer up their extensive alcohol collection and bring over some quality wines. Jimin, after a long three hours of consideration, gives up his lucky plushies and fluffy blankets to build a fort.

For one night, the seven boys crowds around the television, watching everything from The Lorax to Tangled to Frozen and bawling their eyes out when Anna turned to ice (spoiler alert!!!) For one night, the fully grown men all turn back into their 8 year old selves, playing video games and staying up as late as they wanted even though they all had responsibilities to tend to the next day.

When they all awake from their mega-sleepover the next morning, the remaining six friends all insist they just felt like watching Disney movies and drinking wine suddenly. It certainly had nothing to do with the fact that Namjoon’s been feeling a little off in the past few days.

Absolutely not.

Namjoon’s eyes brim with tears and he tackles all the boys to the ground in one incredibly coordinated group hug, ignoring Yoongi’s complaints of being anti-social and that his love language is not physical touch.

“Thanks, guys.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jungkook mutters. “Now could you please get the fuck off?”

“Never.” Namjoon says, muffled because he says it while his head is buried in Hoseok’s chest.

“Love you.”

“... Love you too.”

The next time he falls, Namjoon thinks he’s prepared. Ready, not to get attached, ready to make clear of what belongs in his world and what doesn’t, after lots of pep talks and therapy sessions with Seokjin and Jimin and Yoongi, who is surprisingly helpful with shooting down ideals of toxic masculinity and talking about mental health.

He’s wrong- he’s not ready, but he doesn’t know that yet.

Click.

He’s come to resent that stupid sound. In an instant, he’s dropped into a car, which is strangely familiar. You are next to him, driving, and thank goodness, because everyone knows Namjoon cannot drive. If he were dropped in the driver’s seat, things may have taken a turn for the worse.

“You want to play some music?” You ask, and Namjoon nods.

“Yeah sure, turn up the radio.” You reach over to flip a switch and a pretty tune fills the car, echoing and bouncing off the walls of the small vessel. You bring your hand down and interlace it with Namjoon’s, who is suddenly hyper aware of his surroundings.

“You’re driving, baby.” He says, and a great sense of relief floods back into his system when he sees you smile at the pet name. He hopes this moment is after the Hong Kong trip. He hopes he did the right thing and made up with you afterwards.

“We always do this. When there’s not many cars around, anyway.” You hum along with the music. “Nobody’s on the road tonight.” Sure enough, there are no cars in sight and Namjoon sighs, curling his hand tight against yours. He looks out the window.

“No stars tonight, either.”

You snort. “There are never any stars around the city, babe.”

“Ahh.” He huffs playfully. “Fuck global warming.”

“Fuck capatalism.” You add on, and he nods, wholeheartedly agreeing.

“I love you.” He murmurs.

“I love you too.” You reply with a sweet smile and Namjoon just realises that no, he’s not ready to let go of you, because his heart still flips like crazy when he hears you say that. He’s so unbearably, horribly, absolutely in love with you. Not in a creepy or obsessive way like he was probably in love with you a few months ago, but so in love with you.

He wonders why on earth he’s so drawn to you, but as usual, there’s no definite answers to his questions. Namjoon thinks about how he likes the way you cook pancakes, and how he likes the way you always reach down to pet a puppy no matter where you are or where you need to be. He loves the way you’d give up anything to defend the people you love. He admires your bravery and your courage. He admires the way you present yourself to the world.

He loves you simply because you are who you are, unapologetically and unashamed, which is something he never had the guts to do. But he gets pretty damn near to being fully and truly himself when he’s around you, so maybe that’s why he’s so in love with you.

Namjoon feels bad for a moment because he realises his love isn’t selfless or humble like the ones he sees on dramas and TV. His love for you is shamefully selfish, because he needs you more than anything else. He voices this out to you in a long speech while you keep your eyes on the road.

“I need you more than you think I do, Joon.” You say, while laughing, and Namjoon doesn’t know whether to feel offended or relieved.

“You think your love for me can trump my love for you?” He asks with his eyebrows raised.

“One hundred percent.” You drawl out, and this time, Namjoon’s offended.

“Excuse me? Who the fuck?” He asks, sitting up. You laugh bashfully, enamoured but mostly just entertained by your needy boyfriend who is very willing to prove how much more he loves you right now. “I love you way more than you love me!”

You laugh, your eyes still fixed on the road. “Oh no, please, we’re not arguing about this.”

“Yes we are!” Namjoon demands with a huge smile on his face. “How could you possibly think you love me more than I love you?” Your laugh only grows louder.

“I don’t even know if you’re being serious or just joking around anymore.” You say through bit back laughter.

“I’m being dead serious.” Namjoon softens for a bit, laying a hand on your thigh. “You’re my everything. You’re my future, you’re my present, you’re my past.” A part of you wants to tell him he’s being cheesy again, but the romantic in you who doesn’t want to hurt your boyfriend immediately shuts the realist in you up.

“That was sweet.”

“I try my best.”

You turn your head back to the road and he keeps his eyes on you. On the hoodie you’re wearing, which definitely doesn’t belong to you and he now has a certain inkling of where his missing hoodie went. He likes how it swallows you up. He likes that you have something of his on you.

Not as a weird mark of possession, but he likes that you’re comfortable with wearing something that essentially brands you as his. But you are his as much as he is yours and wow, Namjoon thinks in his head, is this the real Namjoon or the past Namjoon speaking? And his brain replies that it’s both.

“I love you.” He repeats, because as much as he seems to say it, he can’t seem to express how much he loves you (hint: it’s a large amount).

“I love you too.” You say right back.

He wants to say it more. He wants to say it better. He wants to repeat it until you get annoyed and tell him to shut up, he wants to let you know how much he loves you. But his lips are sealed, and he can’t say another word. Instead of what he wants to say, the words that come out his mouth are, admittedly, just as true.

“You’re pretty.”

You giggle. “Did you just realise?”

Namjoon shakes his head. “You’ve always been pretty. You were pretty on the day we met. You were pretty the day we fought in Hong Kong. You were pretty the first time you stayed over. You’re pretty when you cry, you’re pretty when you… I wanted to think of something that rhymes with cry, but it slipped my mind and now everything’s ruined.”

You laugh, a real, huge one this time. He can always tell when your laugh is real or not.

“Thank you.” You say. “For the record, you’ve always been pretty too.”

Namjoon leans back into his seat. “Damn straight.”

“When d’you think you first fell in love with me?” You ask, genuinely curious, and Namjoon thinks for a moment. He thinks about what the Namjoon in this moment would say, and he thinks about what the present Namjoon would say.

If he had verbal control, what would he say? That he fell in love with you during the very first memory he was thrusted in? But that wouldn’t be true, and that wouldn’t be honest. He fell in love with you during the memory of when you met? But that wouldn’t be true either. He fell in love with you in between memories, when all he could think about was the next time you could be in his arms, or how much he longed for your touch.

He tries to say that, he really does.

Instead, what comes out of his mouth is:

“I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s a specific moment. Maybe it was that time we went to the movies and watched Coco while crying over popcorn, or maybe it was that time we went to Disneyland.” Namjoon’s heart slouches, because he doesn’t know any of those moments. He hasn’t been in any of those memories.

“But I don’t think falling in love is a one moment, time stops kinda thing. I was always falling in love with you. From the time you spilled yogurt on my jacket to right now, where you’re asking me when I fell in love with you. I’m going to be falling in love with you tomorrow and the day after that, until the day where we shrivel up and die from old age.”

Oh, good answer, Namjoon thinks.

“Good answer.” You say. “I think I’d say the same thing.”

“Great minds think alike.” Namjoon sighs out.

Something strikes Namjoon’s heart. It’s not the lead feeling or the heavy weight he’s grown used to. It’s strange, like a wave of deja vu. And suddenly, Namjoon stops thinking. He glances over to the control board to look at the time, which proudly reads: December 3rd, 2018.

So that’s why he’s always had the feeling that these were memories. Why he was so adamant to believe these things really had happened to him. Even more strangely, what feelings strike him then is not panic, nor fear. It’s a strange flow of calmness that rushes through his veins. He looks over at you again, driving now with both hands on the steering wheel.

He wonders why the deity would make him witness something as cruel and horrible as this, and he gets the weird feeling that this will be one of his last memories to enter. Namjoon looks at the dark blanket covering the sky and sadly thinks that the deity could have at least placed a few stars in the sky on this night. As consolation, or perhaps an apology.

Something is ticking in the background, and Namjoon has no idea if it’s coming from the car or if he’s imagining it. Flashing memories go through his mind, so fast he can barely register them as images or moving pictures before they are gone again. Your smile, your laugh, your first date, your second date. The day he asked you to move in, the day you told him ‘I love you’ for the first time and he literally fainted.

The day he came to pick you up from work for the first time, the night where he first laid his hands on you and kissed all your worries away.

It comes fast and hurtles towards the two of you, but Namjoon doesn’t even see it coming because all he is looking at is you. Your face, your lips, your eyes, trying to engrave it all in his memory. You yelp out something to him, which he doesn’t hear. Floating images spin around both your heads and a high pitched screech rings out, a spark of orange lighting up like a stack of fireworks. The dark van shoots forward and collides into the driver’s seat.

The world collapses. It goes sideways, rotates then flips completely upside down, and the dark fog starts to eat up Namjoon’s eyesight. Oddly, nothing hurts. Perhaps because of the shock, or panic, but nothing on Namjoon’s body is in pain. Everything crashes, Namjoon’s head hits the window with force. Something breaks, glass cracks, people scream and he cannot tell which is which. Red and white flashes are all he can see before everything fades to grey and he can only reach around in the darkness, to find your hand.

He clutches onto your unmoving, still hand desperately, trying to calm his jumping heartbeat. Are those sirens in the background he hears or is that his imagination? Is that your voice he hears or is that a hallucination?

In the end, his final thought before leaving the world once again is a wish. A wish that he prays the deity will grant him. He hopes that in your final moments, you were not scared.

He falls.

When Namjoon arrives home, his entire body is numb. He doesn’t know where he is, nor what he was doing before he was clicked in. He opens his mouth and screams for a full minute without stopping.

It feels good in a fucked up way.

Namjoon has never been one for confrontation. Just ask his middle school bullies, who tormented him all they wanted because he wouldn’t do anything but put up with it. Just ask Mingyu from work, who keeps piling his unwanted projects and articles onto Namjoon because he never protests or complains to the higher-ups.

But while walking towards his childhood home with the birds chirping and his hands placed casually in his pockets, confrontation is all he can think about. He lets himself in the door; his mother never locks it and walks in calmly.

His mother is sitting on the couch, stitching up a sock which has a hole in it.

“Mom. I’m home.” He says softly, and his mother greets him normally. Namjoon leans on the wall and his mother stares at him strangely, calling him over to sit and have some fruit. He declines, telling her he won’t be staying very long. “That car crash that happened two years ago.”

The needle in his mother’s hand stills.

“They said I had selective amnesia, right?”

The needle picks up speed, stitching faster and faster, his mother’s hand moving faster than light.

“What did I forget again?”

“What did you remember?” His mother asks, never one to beat around the bush.

“Mom.” He says, firmly this time. “What did you do to me.”

The sock is torn apart in his mother’s hands. “Namjoon,” She starts and Namjoon already has a growing urge to shake the truth out of her. “When you got into that crash two years ago, you came out of it with very little injuries. We were all so relieved. When you woke up, you didn’t remember Y/N.” All that fills the air for another moment or two is the spongy sound of silence.

The gap in this family became clearer than ever to Namjoon. He thinks about how everyone must have been in on the secret, even his sister. And he was left to suffer, wondering why his life seemed so empty after forgetting something he couldn’t clutch onto.

“And what?” He demands, screaming and throwing his hands out of his pockets. “Do you think you can just keep something like that from me? The love of my life, and you just decide to erase them from my memory?” His mother stills and looks up at her son.

“You didn’t remember Y/N. You lost contact with all your college friends, and then when I asked the doctor how selective amnesia worked,” His mother cleared her throat. “Sufferers often forget some parts of their memory. Relationships, talents, skills, certain areas or certain people.” His mother looks up directly in his eyes. “Sometimes, especially after going through a traumatic event, people forget certain parts of their memory as a coping mechanism. To erase bits of pain and regret.”

“I thought,” Her voice breaks and her face twists in regret and bad memories. “I thought maybe by forgetting her, I’d be saving you from more pain and hurt. I just wanted you to stop hurting”

Namjoon held eye contact with his mother for three full seconds before collapsing and gasping for air, lying with his head on her lap. All words of scolding, anger. All the confrontational tactics and all the accusations he’d thought of shooting towards her had gone.

“Hurts.” He let out through large gasps of breaths. “Hurts, mom.” He lied there, with tears threatening to spill out his eyes for the rest of the night, with his mother caressing his hair and apologising to him with tears in her eyes.

“Miss Y/N. I miss Y/N.” He hiccups out, and his mother wipes away his tears, but it feels different from when you used to do it.

“I know, I know.” The woman looking down at her son wonders why she put him in so much pain. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” The night carries on like that, with the lights eventually dimming and the night covers up the light in the sky. The mother son pair repeat their grievances and apologies to each other until the sun comes back up, peeking through the curtains and extending out their warm embrace as if it wants to comfort the hurting humans.

It doesn’t take long for Seokjin and co to come knocking on his door, sent by his mother who must have filled him in on everything, judging from the looks on their faces. It only takes one single glance at his friends, tilting their heads and all asking to come in for him to burst into tears. Ugly crying, with snot coming out of his nose and eyes bloodshot red from the nightmares.

Jimin is the first to reach forwards and bring Namjoon into a hug. Soon after that, the six friends surrounded Namjoon, comforting him with the warmth of their arms and soft spoken words of encouragement.

“You did well.” Someone mumbles into his hair.

“We’re all proud of you.” Someone else says.

Namjoon’s sweater sleeves are sopping wet with tears when he asks the boys to help him get into therapy.

Things went on like that for another while.

Therapy isn’t as bad as Namjoon had thought it might’ve been. He wasn’t forced to be vulnerable or open up or confront his worst fears. He certainly didn’t want to tell the truth about the world he’s thrusted in, for fear of getting thrown out of the building and into a mental institution.

Even his mother didn’t believe him the first time he told her about it. She urged him to visit a doctor. How could a therapist who doesn’t even know him believe the nonsense he spouts? Even he himself wouldn’t believe himself if he hadn’t experienced it firsthand. Slowly, but surely, he began to open up, and to his surprise, there was no calling of hospitals or kicking him out. His therapist sat there and listened like everything he was saying was valid.

He started eating again, mostly because of Seokjin, stuffing his creations down everyone’s throats every two seconds, claiming he needs opinions on his new recipes even though Namjoon’s fairly certain that the past three dishes of spaghetti were the exact same recipe.

Namjoon started to workout again with Jungkook, much to the younger boy’s surprise and happiness. They talked about their own struggles while panting on the treadmill and spinner. Jungkook eventually tells him that he also has a secret he keeps from the rest of the guys, which is his high school sweetheart who broke his heart so horribly that he still feels hurt from it.

Jungkook told him to cheer up though, because most of the pain fades away with time. It’s still there, ever as present, but other things will become more important to you and cover up a scar or a wound with blooming flowers.

“Like us,” He said cheekily. “Your friends.”

He talked to Yoongi most days of the week about nothing in particular. He enjoys the time with Yoongi because he’s the only one who never walks on eggshells around him. He still pelts him with pillows and roasts the outfits on Rupaul’s Drag Race with him. Taehyung and Jimin even helped him adopt a dog, an furry white Eskimo named Rap Mon which is literally now Namjoon’s entire life.

Would likely kill all of his friends if one of them hurt his precious baby.

Life is good, Namjoon learns. He gets better at his job. He never forgets you, but things seem to hurt less. But he gets relapses sometimes. Some days he wakes up screaming about the stupid lead filling up his throat. Sometimes he gets nightmares so intense he has to take medicine.

Therapy isn’t as bad as he painted it out to be, but recovery is ten times harder than he thought it would be. Some days all he can do is lie in bed or do nothing, thinking of you.

His therapist tells him that his life is more than his past memories. Both Yoongi and Hoseok agree, when he pulled up a random conversation about it late at night. Hoseok says that there’s never going to be a time where he won’t think of you, or still love you. Perhaps not as much as he once did, but he’ll never forget about you. Yoongi tells him he’s healing, and that they’re all proud of him.

Namjoon meets his friends, for the first time in the two years he’s known them. Taehyung has an extraordinary and (slightly strange) obsession over art museums. He’s been to almost every single one in Korea, and he dragged Namjoon over to one an hour away in Gangnam in the summer. Jimin is an amazing dancer, which Namjoon never knew.

Until Jimin brought it up casually, looking through old footage of his dance competitions. “Nothing big,” He said. “I used to dabble.” Namjoon’s eyes bulged out of his head and he told Jimin if that was ‘dabbling’, then he was wasting away his talent. He asked Jimin why he never made a career out of dance, and Jimin replied casually:

“I feel like if I start to make money off of it, and I’ll lose my love for it. Now that I haven’t really has time for it... I dunno. I feel like I’ve lost the talent a little bit.“

Namjoon told his friend that talent is nothing but a bunch of practice and time dedicated to a certain skill. Nobody loses talent, people just get a little unfamiliar with it. Jimin turned around in deep thought and told him he may just have a point.

Still, some days, he can do nothing but sulk around, feeling like a waste of space. Take today for an example. He walks down the street and out of the corner of his eye, he thinks, and he might be wrong, he thinks he sees you. The back of your head, anyways, but you’re wearing a red sweater with headphones over your ears and you turn around the corner.

Namjoon panics. He drops his coffee, which splashes all over his leather shoes and runs. He runs past the corner and he doesn’t know what on earth he’s doing but all he can do is run, and the wind dries his tears faster and faster, and he forgets all over again, that you aren’t here, that there’s no way he can go back and see you unless it’s in his memories, which he doesn’t even know how to control.

Somewhere deep in the depths of his mind, he knows something about this doesn’t seem right. That it couldn’t possibly be you, because he watched you go right in front of his eyes. He knows that in order to heal, he can’t chase after you or center his world around you. He knows all of that. But in that moment, he forgets that he still doesn’t remember everything about you.

He forgets that you’re dead.

And one day he’ll be free from this constant spinning. One day he won’t ever have to think twice when he cooks pancakes but that day and all that work he’s put in is the last thing on Namjoon’s mind and all he can think about is if that’s really you.

He sprints faster and reaches out, misses your wrist by an inch and ends up clutching at nothing but air. He heaves a huge breath, about to clap his hand over your shoulder-

Click.

tags; @jksbbyfacebunny @extremeobsessions101 @dwcljh @bishuthot @s0seo @stonyiscanon @cecedrake2217

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thefloatingstone · 5 years ago

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If you’re doing Self Quarintine (and you should be if you can help it) here’s some Youtube recommendations! Some of these I have posted about or recommended before but with almost all of us stuck indoors now’s a good time to remind you of some cool things you can watch for free!

I’m not gonna imbed the videos, I’ll just post the link because otherwise I would only able to post 5 and I want to collect a few so you can make a playlist or something. (I could make a playlist too but then I couldn’t tell you what each video is and you can’t pick and choose which one sounds interesting to you)

In no particular order:

Polybius: The video Game that doesn’t exist

An hour long documentary in which the youtuber did extensive research to find the origin of the “Polybius” Urban Legend, which speaks of an early arcade game reportedly seen around the early 1980s which reportedly gave people migraines, insomnia, nausea, subliminal messages, and in some cases heart attacks.

The Universal S

A shorter video in which LEMMiNO does his very best to try and track down where exactly this S that we all drew in middle school comes from? Why does literally every country on earth seem to HAVE their children draw this S?

I also recommend LEMMiNO’s video on the Dayltov Pass Incident and the perplexing UFO cases

Down the Rabbit Hole: Henry Darger

Fredrick Knudsen has an incredible fascinating series called “Down the Rabbit Hole” which simply focuses on... anything you can discover and go digging into. From weird internet personalities, to bizarre happenings in history. This video is about the artist Henry Darger, a man who lived in the early 1900s and for all intents and purposes had a perfectly average, lonely life, until it was discovered just before his death he had spent literally decades writing and drawing a fantasy world in what is possibly the longest piece of literature ever written.

I also recommend his video on the Hurdy Gurdy

Bedtime Stories Channel

I’m actually just gonna link the whole channel for “Bedtime Stories”. If you like weird and creepy stories, all of which at least claim to be “true” then Bedtime Stories is great. Coupled by illustrations and subtle sound effects, Bedtime Stories is literally listening to someone tell you a story about such things like hikers who mysteriously went missing, Sightings of Bog Men in Florida and giant Birds over Chernobyl, as well as weird and unsettling murders that remain unsolved. Sometimes the facts are a little dubious or have been disproved, but that’s not the point of the channel. It’s here to tell a creepy story, not give you a documentary.

A Journey Through Rule of Rose

Rule of Rose is a Survival Horror gave for the PS2 which has rather bad gameplay... but a FASCINATING story with just as many layers and symbolism as Silent Hill 2 could boast. It tells the story of one young woman traveling back into her own childhood in an orphanage in the 1930s, and all the horrors that contains. From repressed grief, abusive relationships, child neglect, abuse, and bullying... but it ALSO contains symbolism of societal class structure, politics, eating the rich, and how power structures work. Not for the faint of heart, but HIGHLY recommended.

I also super highly recommend his video on the similarities between Silent Hill 2 and Solaris

Clemps Reviews Crisis Core

Mr. Clemps is a great internet gamer who reviews JRPGs and other games he simply enjoys. Sprinkling in a heavy dose of comedy and very fast jokes and observations, Clemps’ videos are always upbeat, fun, and incredibly enjoyable to watch. I’m linking part 1 of his Crisis Core video in which he explains why the PSP game remains a personal favourite of his despite its flaws.

I also recommend his video on Eternal Sonata

Defunct TV: The History of Dragon Tales

Defunctland is a channel that deals with theme parks and theme park rides that are no longer standing, or which are no longer around in their current form. Defunctland also has a sub series though, called “Defunct TV” where they look at the origin of children’s TV which are no longer airing. I recommend the video on Dragon Tales which is incredibly wholesome, and a genuinely uplifting and soft story of good people trying to make good things for children. (I also recommend the videos on Bear in the Big Blue House, Zoboomafoo, and Legends of the Hidden Temple)

Hagan’s Histories of Polar Exploration

A Playlist for Diamanda Hagan’s videos about the doomed Franklin Expedition from the late 1800s, where England tried to find a passage through the Northern Arctic to the Pacific Ocean. This went horribly horribly wrong, with every member of the Expedition dead. Over a 100 years later we are still fuzzy on what EXACTLY happened, but apart from the arctic chill, there is also evidence of faulty canned food, a series of bad decisions, and cannibalism. Caution advised for this series.

I also recommend the rest of Diamanda Hagan’s channel. She is NOT for everyone, but if you enjoy somebody reviewing Z grade indie movies as well as just BIZARRE films, really bad Christian media bordering on Science Fiction (without making fun of religion itself) hot takes of classic (and modern) Dr. Who, an introduction to Red Dwarf, She’s an EXCELLENT channel to check out.

Good Bad or Bad Bad: Pass Thru

A half podcast half review show where two guys watch a terrible film, decide if it’s “Good” Bad or just Bad Bad and tell you if you should watch it too.

That’s it. That’s the whole show.

I recommend diving into the untold madness that is one of the best(?) bad film makers currently still producing batshit insane movies, the immortal Niel Breen.

There is literally nothing I can say that’ll prepare you for Niel Breen.

(I also recommend their more recent video for “Dancin’ It’s on!”)

History Buffs: Apollo 13

Do you like History? Do you like movies ABOUT History? Do you want to know if the movies about history you watch actually resemble what really happened in any way at all? History Buffs is an EXCELLENT channel, which does talk about the merit of a film itself, but is mainly focused on letting you know just how true to life that historical film you watch is. I highly recommend his longest video which covers the space race between the USA and the USSR, leading to what is known as “The most Successful Failure in NASA’s History”. The Infamous Apollo 13 and where the words “Houston, we have a problem” came from.

If you’re not interested in Apollo 13 however, I also recommend his video on the movie Casino, as well as his video on the female philosopher, Agora.

The Internet Historian: The Goodening of No Man’s Sky

With videos with literally MILLIONS of views, you probably already know the Internet Historian. But I still want to recommend him very highly because his videos are just THAT good and entertaining. I recommend his newest video, documenting that time we were all pissed off about No Man’s Sky, the difficulties the game studio was in when the game released, and how they have been working hard to finally create what is now a truly brilliant game which is winning major awards. A really good underdog story of how a video game company actually saw what was wrong with their game, and FIXED it.

I also recommend his video on Fallour 76 as well as the Failure of Dashcon

8 Creepy Video game mysteries

Hey. Did you know that sometimes there’s some REALLY weird shit in video games, hidden easter eggs which took literal decades to find as well as just a lot of “what the actual fuck?”. Oddheader is a channel with a dedicated discord and Reddit form solely focusing on trying to find or replicate bizarre video game finds, mysteries, and hidden glitches. Even if it means getting in his car and driving to a specific arcade just to check a rumour about Street Fighter II’s arcade version. So if you like getting spooked by weird game shit that’s not just some dumb creepypasta, this is a great place to start.

I also recommend his video on weird discoveries in DVDs and movies.

Red Letter Media: Best of the Worst

Look you already know who Red Letter Media is.

You know... these guys:

Here’s a video of them and Macaulay Culkin watching 3 terrible movies together.

I recommend literally any and all of their videos. Their discussion on Carpenter’s The Thing is amazing.

The Impact of Akira: The film that changed Everything

Ok trying to pick just ONE Super Eyepatch Wolf video is literal torture. Originally I was going to suggest his recent video on Final Fantasy 7 for the PSone but I realised I recommended something FF7 related with Clemps, so instead I will recommend The Impact of Akira, a video talking in depth about Akira both as a film as well as a manga, how it completely and utterly changed the anime industry both in Japan as well as the west, and why it is still a meaningful and one of the most important anime/manga even to this day, still being unsurpassed despite so much competition.

However, ALL of Wolf’s videos are incredible, so I also recommend his videos on wrestling (despite me not caring about wrestling at all), His video on how media scares us, The bizarre reality of modern Simpsons, Why the Dragon Ball Z manga is great, and literally any other video he’s made. He hasn’t made one bad video yet.

Was Oblivion as Good as I remember?

Exactly what it says on the tin. The Salt Factory goes back to playing The Elder Scrolls Oblivion and now with hindsight and modern sensibilities, gives feedback on his experience and whether Oblivion still holds up. This isn’t a super in depth review of the game’s mechanics or how its put together or how it was made. This is simply one guy talking about his experience replaying it with somejokes thrown in and how he felt revisiting it. It’s pretty good.

I also recommend the video he did on Morrowind (because I’m biased).

Weird Japan Only PS1 games

Thor High Heels is SO GOOD and deserves SO MUCH MORE subs than he currently has. THH focuses a lot of obscure and lesser known games as well as big popular titles like the Yakuza series, talking about what he likes about them, what he thinks is cool, and just what kind of atmosphere and mood a certain game has, even if the game itself is kind of ass. He’s done several videos on games that were only released in Japan, as well as videos talking about the fashion in Squaresoft games and how it inspired as well as was inspired by real world street fashion, the aesthetic of PC-98 games and other topics. He also styles his videos and thumbnails after promotional art for video games from the 90s and generally just has an excellent style to his channel over all. Very chill.

Blue Reflection Review

ValkyrieAurora is a channel run by Sophie where she talks about games she personally likes and enjoys. Her videos are really laid back and her voice is really calm and pleasant to listen to. She’s made a bit of a reputation for herself as “The channel that talks about the Atelier Games” and general is just a really enjoyable channel worth checking out if you just want something soothing to listen to.

Ancient Chinese Historians Describe Japan

Voices from the Past is a channel were historical text is read out loud in english. These can be anything like the above video where Chinese historians describe the people of Japan around 297 AD, Accounts of “Dog-Men”, or the worlds oldest letter of complaint from 1750 BC. If you’d like something interesting historically to listen to but don’t want a full blown history lesson, this is a really good way to hear contemporary people talk about their experiences and what they thought about each other in their own words, without opinions or input given by the narrator.

The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet

Whang! is a channel that covers weird internet stories, some horrifying, some curious and interesting, and some just plain weird. His video on The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet and its update, are about a song which was recorded off the radio in Germany around the 1980s, and after one person online asked if anyone knew who the artist was as they couldn’t find any information, led to the realization that NOBODY online knows where this song came from or who sang it. It’s a fun mystery to look into that, unlike some others on this list, is not creepy or unsettling, although perhaps a little frustrating.

I also recommend his video on The Most Mysterious Anime theme song, and the haunted Ebay Painting.

5 Lost, Destroyed, and Locked away Broadcasts

Yesterworld is similar to the Defunctland channel in that it talks about obsolete rides, theme parks and other forgotten pieces of entertainment. Although the majority of the channel focuses on movie rides, rollercoasters and Disneyland, I recommend the video on lost and locked away broadcasts which you can no longer see. I also recommend the video about Lost and Rediscovered movie props.

The Nightmare Artist

I talked about this one recently as I just discovered this channel. This video is about the renowned Polish artist Zdzislaw Beksinski who painted surreal and horrifying paintings during his lifetime. There is no mystery here or anything like that, it merely talks about the impact WWII left on Beksinski and how the trauma his country and people suffered influenced his painting, and how certain images and motifs can be seen to directly reference this terrible part of Poland’s history.

Disabilities in Prehistory

Modern media likes to portray how “savage” the ancient past is, and tell us stories of how any person born with a deformity or disability would be thrown over a cliff or dumped in a well because they would be too big a drain on a community to look after. But here’s the thing... according to archaeological evidence, it turns out our ancient ancestors actually did their best to look after its disabled members to the best of their abilities. This video talks about archaeological finds of people who had genetic disabilities and what we can learn from their remains. TREY the Explainer is a great channel for archaeology and also talking about what answers we could have for sightings of cryptids. (not ALL of which we have answers for)

I also recommend his video on Pre-Contact dogs as well as Homosexuality in Nature and the Genetic History of the Ainu.

Decoding “The Secret: A treasure Hunt”

“The Secret” was an art book released in the 80s full of beautiful paintings, but it is also more than that. The book has a fantasy story talking about 12 fantastical races who left wonderful treasures for humans to find,and the book’s paintings and riddles will tell you where you can find each of these treasures which are yours to keep if you can solve the puzzle... and the treasures are 100% true and can actualy be found and claimed, if you can solve the riddles in the book. The video tells the story of the artbook, who was behind it, what the treasures are, how many have been found and various other facts and details.

I also recommend the videos on this channel “The Game: A scavenger Hunt” and “The investigation of Erratas”.

5 Ancient Inventions That Were WAY Ahead Of Their Time

I would recommend you be careful with this channel as its main focus is existentialism and rather alarming topics such as “how close are we to the apocalypse” and other things whose titles alone are enough to upset me. However this video is nothing like that. This video is exactly what the title suggests it is. 5 ancient inventions that were so incredibly ahead of their time you’d think they were made up. From the computer used by ancient Greeks to steel swords we don’t know how to replicate, this video is a great mix of mystery and history.

Although I caution you with this channel, I recommend Joe’s other videos about mysterious books, as well as his video on the most inbred people in history.

However, I know I keep repeating this, I highly recommend caution with this channel. Perhaps its just me and the topics of life and existent are just triggering for me, but I’d recommend maybe just doing a search for the titles I mentioned and not to go searching through the video library unless you’re not bothered by this kind of thing.

Anyway I could keep going, but I think that’s a LARGE amount of videos to keep you occupied for the time being as well as some suggestions for further viewing.

Please enjoy, let me know if you found something interesting, and look after yourself!

If you enjoyed this list at all, please consider tipping me for a coffee

☕️ Ko-fi ☕️

#self isolation #Youtube #Links #Recommended #recommendations #documentary #long post #ask to tag #tumblr ate the 'read more' I put on this so screw it #Just scroll past or hit J to skip this if you want #No editing we die like men

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makeyourdeanabi · 4 years ago

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Finale Reaction- 2 months later

In the wee hours after the Supernatural Finale, after tossing and turning in my bed, I got up and wrote this... this was before I was actually active on Tumblr and I never thought I would share this because I was too self conscious. I deleted it shortly after I wrote it because it brought me so much pain to relive it. I have since watched the Finale again and have come to terms with it and I felt it was a good time to share my thoughts. I hope that my words may bring other people comfort who feel the same way. Thanks for reading :)

Alisha

P.S. Sorry so long, I was feeling things and the words just kept coming and coming ___________________________________________

I don’t blog. Never in my life have I sat down to tell the world about my feelings in such a manner. I may contribute on message boards and social media comments, but I never thought anything was worth my time to spill my guts into the ether when I am near certain that not a soul will read them. But here I am. I have to write because if I don’t get these thoughts out of my head, I am going to go full on insane.

That ending was bad. It was a disservice to the 15 years of an incredible show that was not only genre bending it was cultural norms bending.

I could mention the various tropes that this ending (and the previous episodes) invoked, but I am not well versed in them and would never want to do anyone a disservice with a comparison that wasn’t apt.

The buildup up of each character arc and then the glaring lack of conclusion for said character arc was laughable.

To say I am disappointed is an understatement.

To say I am heartbroken is an understatement.

I am destroyed.

I am destroyed that the two men who have been with this franchise since day 1 wrote and directed an episode that they thought was the perfect ending. They thought this is what their devoted fandom wanted.

I am destroyed that the lead actors signed off on this script and went so far as to call it their favorite. I realize Jared was the only one calling it his favorite episode. Jensen admitted he had reservations about the episode and needed the wise words of creator Erik Kripke to accept it. I do have to say that taking the word of a man who left the show 10 seasons ago and hasn’t been involved in all the plot lines and inner workings since season 5 is probably not the best idea. I could be mistaken about the extent of Kripke’s involvement, but I am fairly certain that I am right in my assumptions.

Dean spent 15 years (probably more) of his life feeling unloved, unworthy, self-conscious and convinced that his life had but one purpose and that purpose would ultimately be the death of him, and he had made peace with that.

He is given a best friend, potential love interest, who helps him to see that he is more than that, so much more than that. He is selfless, he is caring, he is a lover, not a killer. His friend’s soulmate’s sacrifice is the catalyst for him believing that all these things are true. He even takes the step of admitting out loud that he knows he has changed. He knows that his life is worth living to the fullest and appreciating what he has every day and honoring those they have “lost along the way.”

To then kill him during a routine hunting trip in which the boys are up against a vampire nest they could take down in their sleep. What could possibly have been the purpose for that? To show that once they were no longer God’s little play toys their lives were expendable? WHY?

Dean, arguably the greatest hunter in the SPN universe, was taken out by a fucking rusty piece of rebar, and instead of trying to call for help and get the man to a hospital (not sure it would have helped) he has his final monologue, the one he has been due for the latter half all of Season 15. He died scared, in pain, and sad.

Dean goes to heaven, and its not the heaven we have been told of in the past where you are living in your memories. Its truly life after death and its wonderful. He meets Bobby again and told that various people in Dean’s and Bobby’s life are close by. His parents live down the road. His father, who was never confirmed to be but was most likely an abusive bastard, lives just down the road with his mother. Wonderful. (WTF?) He gets confirmation that Cas is out of the empty and he smiles, nothing more. He sees baby and goes for a drive, not to find Cas and thank him for his ultimate sacrifice, but to just drive. I like this part because we see a happy, content Dean, and we finally get to hear Kansas’s “Carry on Wayward Son” (DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE LACK OF THE ROAD SO FAR AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE). I just wish Dean’s path to heaven had been a little easier on him.

Dean deserved better.

Castiel, the selfless angel who just wanted to find purpose in his life and ultimately found it in death. He dies never being told that he is loved, after countless times of professing his love to his found family. The angel who sacrificed himself to the Empty, a horrible place of unspeakable torture, to protect the man he loves. A man who, mere days later (in my mind anyway), arrives in heaven after being killed in a gruesome accident, rather than fulfilling his destiny that Cas fought so hard to protect. Some sacrifice. It turns out that Cas is saved by the Empty from Jack, but we don’t get to see his joyful reunion with Dean, the man he loves.

Cas deserved better.

Sam is left to live this life without his brother, and potentially the love of his life because the writers couldn’t be bothered to confirm Eileen’s re-existence after Chuck’s rapture. He has a family, and he grows old (mind you with REALLY bad makeup in a show that is known for their incredible makeup/special effects departments).

He seems to be happy, but you can tell something is missing. We come to see that he raised his son to be a hunter. He raised his son in a life that, at the outset of this show, he was desperate to get out of and live a normal life. Perhaps he no longer believes that anyone can live a normal life knowing what is out there. *EDIT* Looking back I don’t believe he raised his son to be a hunter, just gave him the tattoo in case.

He names his son Dean, because of course he does. He has a wife who we see from a distance and is never given the clarity if it is Eileen or not. He finally dies after what looks like a slow and painful illness and is sent to heaven.

In heaven he meets up with Dean. This was lovely. The two of them meeting again after so long, for Sam, that is. Dean only had to seemingly wait for a few hours.

Sam deserved better.

For a show that had the potential to go out on a historically significant high, this is disappointing, to say the least. The story had the potential to end with 2 brothers who have sacrificed so much and saved so many people, find a happy ending. Not only that but find a happy ending with a deaf partner and a gay angel. If that isn’t breaking barriers and bending norms, I don’t know what is. I really would like to know what prevented this from happening. Be it the CW from restricting them or maybe the absolute lack of originality from the writers, I am curious as to their reasoning. Maybe it was COVID. Maybe because they couldn’t have those two actors physically on set due to protocols, they didn’t want to shortchange them by having them appear otherwise: disembodied voice, phone call (DONT TOUCH ME) or even a flashback… hell STOCK FOOTAGE! I don’t know and I clearly can’t imagine the reason.

I realize that there is nothing that can be done about this episode now and that accepting it and moving on is really the only way forward. But the legacy this show has left, and its lasting impact on me and my life, cannot be ignored. I was looking forward to indulging in past episodes of this show for the rest of my life. It is going to be a long time before I can watch an episode without anger and resentment towards what I know to be their eventual end. That, to me, is unforgiveable.

I don’t expect anyone to actually read this because I do not have any followers. I have never blogged in my entire life and was only recently introduced to the online fandom, but I needed to write this. I needed to share the impact that this episode had on me. I do hope that it does reach those in the fandom that may have similar feelings and are able to use my words to help express how they are feeling. We can move on, and we will move on, but we need to do it together.

I know that there are people who, if they read this, would shake their head in disbelief that I became so emotionally invested in this show that watching a bad ending would take such a toll on my mental health.

To them I say, imagine this… The Pittsburgh Steelers (my favorite team, they can imagine their own) have an incredible season. A season where they saw a myriad of highs and lows. Veteran players making incredible comebacks, rookie players coming in to their own. Season ending injuries that lead to the next man stepping up and contributing in ways they weren’t sure possible. Now imagine they make it to the Superbowl and after 3 tough quarters, in which they played their best, getting better with each quarter, they lose it in the final minutes. All that blood, sweat, and tears for nothing. Now imagine that was their last season and the Pittsburgh Steelers are no longer an NFL team. They are done. No “we’ll get ‘em next season.” No “it’s just a game and there is always another one”. Just done. Their entire franchise, for a brief moment in time, reduced to those final minutes where they failed to win. Devastating. Of course, in the long run that is not what they will be remembered for. I mean, after all, they have won 6 Lombardi trophies, and no one is taking that away from them. But the sting will remain for a while. *EDIT* This was as close to prophecy as I will ever get, the Steelers did all of the above until the playoffs, but THANK GOD, there will be another season.

If I can’t make you understand with a sports metaphor than I will never make you understand.

I love this show and this loss is devastating. I do hope that it is remembered for more than their last-minute loss. I hope it is remembered for the joy and acceptance that their fandom felt with each episode, for the laugher on set and the gag reels. I hope it is remembered for the individual players who gave it their all. I know it will be, but for me personally, this sting is going to last for a while.

#Supernatural #spn #dean winchester #castiel #sam winchester #eileen leahy #series finale #season 15 episode 20 #damn you dabb #damn you singer #destiel #supernatural

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aloera · 4 years ago

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The ask prompt is too long to fit into an ask TT_TT but here's the doc for it docs(.)google(.)com/document/d/1yDI7iFRhOJ8ENv_IwZAo3rDSUqj80EiJROS10RzRbj4/edit

the lengths u are going for this,,, much appreciated you're very sweet!!!

prompts + answers under the cut!!

INTRODUCTION

Name: aloera

AO3 account: aloera

Fandoms you write for: bnha

How many stories have you written so far: 19

FANFICTION PROFILE

What's your favorite fandom to write for? hmm,,, used to do pjo and eah (ever after high) and eah was fun as fuck i will say!!! i think bnha is my fav mostly bc i made the most friends in this fandom :D

What's your favorite character/person to write for? bkg and kirishima!! cannot choose do not make me <3

Fic you'd want to improve? probably what we deserve? i rushed the beginning and the confession is a bit stilted imo

Hardest fic you've written? between lion and men -_- bc there is so much canon compliant stuff i've gotta write out before i get to the divergence and its HARD

Easiest fic you've written? come home to me!!! it happened so easily,,, no second guessing no writers block just vibes <33 was lovely i miss it

What would you say is the most "famous" fic you've ever written? also probably come home to me? its got the most interaction

first line of the first fic you've ever written and published. [not including my 2014 ffnet fics] "The bell rings, class starts, and Katsuki and Midoriya are inexplicably absent." from come home to me

Have you ever done a collab with another writer? yes!!!!! on two separate occasions and its so fucking fun i highly recommend trying it out its the best

Do you beta? if asked but honestly im a shit beta lmao

Do you like joining fic fests/exchanges? depends on what i have going on irl but in general yeah!!

FANFICTION PREFERENCES

Fluff or angst? definitely fluff

"OCs" or "Reader" inserts? reader inserts!! have been going ham on them recently

Blurbs or drabbles? blurbs!!

One thing you love about fanfiction i just. i really love slice of life romance?? and most media doesn't give you that bc its dedicated to plot and action and that's valid!! but fanfiction fills in the gap which is really nice

One thing you don't like about fanfiction most of the stuff i don't like is less about actual fanfiction and more about how people behave about it

What is/are your favorite fandom author/authors? IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE!!! TURN IT UP!!!

bnha: hiuythn, rae_tnub, Moniix, Ata_Lanta, wrunic, chezka, PurplePersnickety, surveycorpsejean, mahadevi, arxaris, deviance, Oceanbreeze7, MikeWritesThings, bonnia, wonhaebunny, dinosuns

voltron: hiuythn, Oceanbreeze7, DeerstalkerDeathFrisbee, arahir, dinosuns,

and honorable mention to loveclouds im not even in the haikyuu fandom i just love their fics So Much

these are just the ones off the top of my head i have so many favourites idc if i'm only supposed 2 have one!! die mad about it!!!

What is your favorite trope? secret relationship + relationship reveal til the day i die babie <3 <3

Least favorite trope? hm,,, probably just like. angst lmao i cannot stand 90% of it

A fanfiction cliché that you can't help but love? coffeeshop aus,,,, so good

Do you have a type when it comes to pairings? the otp where its like. piece of shit + himbo = love. ex. krbk, catradora, jade/beck

Favorite setting/au? hm,,, truly i cannot pick one KGKSJNHKj but i really like college aus!! and modern aus!! and roommate aus!!

Explain the meaning of your favorite line of dialogue you've written as if someone hasn't read it in context. “He doesn’t know,” Katsuki says, softly. “My timer stopped and nothing happened. He’s not mine.”

the line is from what we deserve!! it's a soulmate au where your timer counts down to the moment that you meet your soulmate!! bakugou's timer ends at USJ when he and kirishima attack kurogiri at the same time (impulsive kings <33) but kirishima's timer doesn't end until kamino because that's when he accepts himself as bakugous soulmate!! unfortunately, when bakugous timer has reached 0, he turned to see that kirishima's was still ticking and therefore believes that kirishima isn't his soulmate.

this line just,, idk. it's really sad. bakugou is such an action-driven character? if something doesn't go his way he Makes it go his way. he's got this insanely volatile quirk and he's got impeccable control of it!! but his love for kirishima isn't something that he can change and he's not going to ruin kirishima's chance of finding his own soulmate because he loves him and wants him to be happy. i really wanted to focus on how resigned he is? and how unusual that is for a character like him.

Favorite trope/genre to write? again, secret relationship with relationship reveals <33 fluff in general is my wheelhouse!!!

A trope/genre you haven't written but think would be a fun challenge? idk if this counts?? have been working on some dead dove concepts!! its super different from what i normally write so its a cool challenge

The one trope/concept you'll never touch and why probably cheating/infidelity?? it just looks,,, super difficult to write well and i don't have enough of an interest in it to try it out

Which do you prefer to write: longer or shorter fics? shorter!! low attention span gang <3

Ideal length to read? 5-10k?

Ideal length to write? 4-8k!!

How long was the longest fic you've ever written? control fraek is around 28k i think?

Have you ever written an AU? yeah!! i've done restaurant au's, soulmate au's, pro hero aus, and fantasy aus (general, not the bnha fantasy ending)

What's your favorite AU trope? hm,, probably when two people in authority are in a secret relationship? ceo's/uni professors/etc etc

Have you ever written smut? yeah!! was. difficult tho

What's your comfort genre? (the one you fall on most in writing/reading) fluff,,, hurt/comfort,,, fix-it fics with happy endings <3

If you were to start writing in other fandoms, which would they be? maybe jjk?? the characters are really cool!!!! fr i might go back to my ever after high roots i love the characters and setting so Much its so fun!!! idec if no ones into it anymore!!!!!

Is there a trope you think you could be easily recognized by in your writing? i've had people say they saw the mention of buff hagakure and recognized it was me so. probably that skdjhnksjd

WRITING STYLE

How would you describe your style? i tend to use shorter sentences and pretty simple words i think? and i gravitate towards lighthearted concepts that allow for ensemble casts and humour!!

Describe your style in three words romcom but fanfic

Favorite words to use when writing? the word reverent!! fuckin love including it!!

Dialogue tags or no dialogue tags? (she said, he said, they said, etc) dialogue tags!!!

Favorite dialogue tag (other than said, if you use them) again idk if this counts but "they said softly" is unmatched

Long sentences vs short vs a mix short <33

What colors would you use to describe your writing? hm,,, depends on the fic i would say?? control fraek is dark green to me?? kinda like a forest at night yk?? scary but there's still life there. sugar cookies is yellow like early morning sunlight, when it rains is yellowy-orange like a caution sign. not gonna list all of them cause theres a lot its just. do u get it? the colours change based on the vibe of the fic.

What song or music genre would you use to describe your writing? think. i am constantly trying to emulate that moment at the end of wasteland baby when hozier goes "im in love/im in love with you."

What kind of metaphors do you rely on? religious metaphors my beloved <33 they're just so pretty!!! i also love comparing stuff to water for some reason?? like that ocean vuong quote thats like "what are you now?/water." it goes hard!!!

What's something you'd say is experimental in your writing at this time? definitely action!! i have,,, no idea how to write it so anything i do is really just me playing around and seeing what works and what doesn't

Do you prefer to write by hand or to type? i've tried both!! personally i prefer typing because it goes way faster but i will say that writing by hand lets me get words down when i'm going through writer's block

What is your preferred place to write (notebook, laptop, cellphone, etc.)? laptop!!

What app/apps do you use to write (word, notepad, etc.)? google docs skjdnkjh its fine on desktop but mobile is,,,,, disgusting

Do you keep a notebook or file/notes page in your phone/device for notes on your writing? ngl i just have everything organized in my drive?? one folder per fandom and then sub folders for ideas+hcs, unfinished wips, and finished fics. multichaps get sub sub folders so i can organize outlines and drafts

Do you listen to music to help you write? yeah!! playlists organized by fic vibe :D

Where do you usually go to write (bedroom, living room, etc.)? mostly in my bedroom??? but moving around to different stops helps too i think!!

How long does it usually take for you to write? again this depends on what i have going on irl, how attached i am to the idea, my mindset at the time, etc!! i am,, the least consistent person skjnhdkjh.

What's your favorite font to use when writing? times new roman my beloved

Other writing habits? sometimes i'll write in the dark?? bad for my eyes but for some reason it gets the words flowing

CONCEPTUALIZATION

How do you conceptualize your ideas? (See specific moments like they're a movie, writing specific lines in your head, don't know until you put the words on paper, etc.) i tend to get inspiration from movies, books, poems, or other fics!!! sometimes one line just makes me go oh,, i want to write something like that,,, and then it helps me create an idea that makes me feel the same way?? i did this with control fraek!!!! i wanted a scenario where bakugou was cold and calculating and i was like hm. to do that he’d have to be focusing on something important. and from there i was able to flesh out the rest of the idea.

Which comes first: the pairing or the plot? with krbk its always always the pairing,, i'll be sitting there like wow <33 i love them <33 what if one of them had amnesia <33 (which, yes, wip!!) otherwise it's usually the plot!! and i slot in characters that i feel make sense

Have you ever used a prompt? yeah!! used a prompt for wlw week 2020 and it was fun as hell

Do you write around the story around a specific scene you want to get to or do you start from a plot idea definitely the first!!!! i almost always write like,,, a super messy scene thats 90% dialogue, keep it in my head, and then write the entire fic around that one moment

Do you find that you include a projection of some part of yourself in the way you write a character? a lot of the time when i write love confessions or love in general i'll have one of the characters think or say that the other person makes their head quiet? and it's because that's what i feel whenever i'm in love?? a quiet mind. i project on characters yeah but i think most of the projection actually goes to the way that i write love

Do you research some of the things you write deeply, partially and kind of wing the rest, or play entirely by ear (in this case, go with whatever base knowledge of the subject you have)? most of the time if i do research it'll be about the setting (ex. the izakaya in to have and to hold) or if i'm having the characters interact with an object that they like. need to know how to use (me, in control fraek: google. hey google. does someone die if they get shot in the foot??? no???? awesome thank u <3)

Have you ever had an idea for a story and forgot about it? lmaoo yeah all the time i'll find like 500-2k words of concepts in my gdocs like i do. not remember this at all

Is there a trope you think you could be easily recognized by in your writing? probably krbk secret relationship lmao

Are there concepts you've tried that turned out better than expected? yeah!! i fully thought the action in control fraek would be awful but it turned out not bad??? which im happy with

Are there concepts you've tried that turned out worse than you expected? again, what we deserve, i personally think it would have worked out better if i'd paced it slower and drawn out the pining but i. do not feel like going back to fix it so its staying the way that it is. pining is so fucking hard to do AHHHH i get so tired with it!!! im like just date already!!!!

PROCESS

How do you come up with titles? in rare occasions (literally. all my multichaps for some reason) the title comes after writing like .5 words of the first chapter im like YES this is it!!!!! sometimes i write the whole thing and pick out one line that fits (what i did with come home to me) a lot of the time i just. steal from songs or poems that i like

What's your favorite emotion to cause on your readers? i like making people happy!!!! love when people comment saying they're cheered up

What's your favorite emotion to write? lovelovelovelovelovelove

Have you ever cried or felt any emotion while reading something you've written? never cried?? but sometimes i'll rereading my hurt/comfort fics 4. yk. comfort

Do you write in order or whatever comes to you? in order!! unless i have a scene that i Need to write and i'll quickly jot it down so that i don't forget

Usual way you procrastinate while writing? ...doing asks like this, making playlists, discord, watching netflix. what don't i do smh

Do you outline or free write? i am. so shit at outlines. i mostly free write and write lil notes for stuff that i wanna add later

Do you set word goals or scene goals (scenes you want to include)? yes!! like i said i'll write loose notes for scenes that i want to add later!! it gives me something to write towards :D

What do you consider when writing your scenes? what goes into making the atmosphere and mood you want? to set a scene i do two things? the first is like,, the five senses bc that always sets the scene really well and makes it feel Real. i'll visualize stuff in my head like its a movie and write out what i would want to tell the set designer?? if the lights are low, if the space is busy, if it's supposed to exude comfort or not.

for putting forward the character's mood one thing i've found that makes a difference is sentence length!! long sentences are good for making a character seem flustered and nervous or not really in control of their emotions? good for love confessions. short sentences are good for when the character is focused on something or short on time. good for fights!!

What's something you never considered to include in your writing that you can't leave out now? def buff hagakure,,,, once i thought of it i was like. if i don't include this at least once in every single fic how could i look at myself in the mirror!!!!!! how could i face anyone!!!!

How do you start a story? establishing a fact about the character or describing the setting! option a is one single thread of gold, option b is between lion and men

How do you end a story? either by tying it back to the beginning or doing like a funny kind of closing??? option a is sugar cookies, option b is a godless society

How do you get out of writer's block? change something!! move something!! i go from typing to handwriting, moving from my bedroom to my living room, switching wips to work on something else!! i do sprints as well?? give myself like fifteen minutes to write something and sometimes 200 words opens up the way for another 2k. sometimes i'll just delete like 500 words and start fresh

Do you edit? or do you toss your writing out there? i edit!!! i'll go over it myself then send it to one or two betas (bee my beloved <33)

How do you edit? do you use spellcheck, grammar checkers, etc? bee is my grammar checker bc he is So Good with grammar. i use grammarly as well for spellcheck stuff mostly?? sometimes my edit process is just like "am i tired of looking at this!! yes <3" and then i post it

PROGRESS

Do you usually like what you write? yeah!!! i post stuff that makes me happy and that i'm fine with rereading!!! i write stuff for self-indulgence reasons first and foremost and i think my writing reflects that sjhnksj

Have you ever written something you didn't like but posted anyways? nope!! even what we deserve i LIKED even if i see a lot of room 4 improvement!! if i don't like smth it's not getting posted

Do you find yourself rereading your writing often? yeah!! the reason i wrote so much krbk secret relationship is because i loved it but i'd read all that there was so i just,, wrote more,, ngl its kinda nice being in a place where i actually like my writing bc i can write stuff that i want to see and really enjoy it!!

Can you tell us anything about your current WIP? sure!! i'm currently working on when it rains which is a fic where bakugou gets hit by a crying quirk!! i'm gonna be using it to explore So Much of all might's character and his relationships with bakugou and aizawa (and i think some people from his past!!)

Can you give us a sneak peek on your current WIP? “You did something. What the hell did you do?” Kirishima sounds pissed off. It would amuse Katsuki if he wasn’t fighting just to stay standing.

“Nothing he didn’t ask for,” Shinsou replies.

“K’ri… shima,” Katsuki croaks out. “‘S fine. Not him.”

His chest collapses back into the familiar dry heaving after that but Kirishima shuts up. He doesn’t apologize to Shinsou.

Kirishima’s a good friend, stubborn and loyal. He stands by Katsuki’s side like an attack dog, blocking him from the view of anyone ogling at his tears.

The last line you've written Ochako knows more than she'd realized. She knows enough to keep her guard up.

It’s not enough.

Open a wip. what’s the first line?

Katsuki wakes up feeling like absolute fucking shit.

INSIGHT

What's your favorite thing about writing? touched on this before but it's mainly just being able to write the things that i want to see and actually enjoy them!!! actually reread them!!!! i thought "wouldn't it be cool if bkg and kirishima owned a restaurant together" and then i wrote it and i like it enough to reread it!!!! being able to create content for myself makes me. so happy

How do you keep yourself inspired? this is gonna sound narcissistic maybe but honestly i'm just really excited about my ideas and where i'm gonna take them and the idea of "i'm gonna get to That scene" keeps me going through the entire thing. also my friends!!!! i'll talk to them about fics and their reactions keep me hyped up enough to finish!!!!

What is your favorite thing to write? just,, slice of life romance,,, stuff thats silly and makes people laugh!!

What do you think your strengths are in writing? i'm good with dialogue!! i do lil voice acting sessions with myself to make sure everything sounds natural and like it's coming from that character skhjnskj

i'm comfortable with my portrayal of love as well??? i spend a lot of time thinking about what it is exactly that i'm trying to get across and i think it turns out well!!

What are things you wish you could practice more? on one hand i wanna get better at writing angst on the other hand i dislike writing angst. do you see my issue

One way you've improved your writing since you began? characterization!! i think i've gotten better at writing characters that are all Different and bring different things to the table!!! i used to project a lot more and it would compromise the characterization because the character was like 70% me and 30% them? not to say that projection is bad but if you do it too much it just,, doesn't read like the character and from a reader's standpoint the narrative can become less compelling

One aspect of writing you're still working on? writing action!!! i. literally hate writing it but i write for a fandom about superheroes so. Unfortunately i gotta learn.

A piece of writing advice you've learned while writing saw this on another tumblr post but they said sometimes if you're struggling with a scene, the problem is five lines back. i've found that to be true!!!! sometimes u gotta delete a chunk and start a little ways back!! i did this with too busy being yours because i was stuck for Weeks and i deleted like 25% of what i had but it helped me actually finish it :D

A bit of writing advice you can't stand when people shit on show don't tell for being overrated lmao bc when u read their writing you can Tell

Something you wish you knew when you first started writing? ,,,,honestly i kind of wish i could know some of the stuff that i used to when i first started writing?? technically i'm better now but creatively i was must better when i wasn't stressing about whether anyone would like what i was writing. so i guess i wish i knew that i should keep that confidence? i kinda wish that i wasn't as insecure about other people's writing styles because i never used to be!!

Something you've learned in life that you apply in writing there's no point in feeling inferior?? writing one genre isn't better than the other. being in one fandom isn't better than being in another. the kind of language you use or the length of your paragraphs- none of that stuff like. matters. what matters is that you're having fun and happy with what you're creating!!!! enjoy other peoples writing but don't let it make you feel worse about yours :D

#AHH ive wanted to answer these for so long...... bro fr i was so happy when u sent these!!! like wow!! finally got sent one!!!#sorry for how long the responses are idk how to be concise #asks #anon #a(lore)a

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superworldunkown · 4 years ago

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SAY WHA??: Prologue

AN: Fun fact about me, I am a runner. So you bet your booty when that MHA ‘He will Meet the Three Musketeers’ teaser image came out, ya girl took that and RAN with it. Right into headcanon territory. I tired to use as much as I know from reading the manga, so there are spoilers of the War Arc/Dabi reveal/My Lady My Queen Midnight/Bakugou rising (aka finally showing some signs of positive emotional intelligence growth)/etc. I will also be mixing in my own OCs and thoughts on the meaning behind the WHA patches on their uniforms and what happens during this moving. And yes, Bakugou will be about that melanin. I’ll try to post every two weeks but…I am TERRIBLE at timeframes. Also, IDK what to call this, so right now it’s “Say WHA?” lol

Anyways, enjoy BBs.

Chapter 1: The Aftermath is only the beginning

Bakugou should have never jumped in front of Deku. Yes, he said it. And no, it wasn’t about the heroic act in itself or the public admittance that he does give a shit (albeit tiny shit) about that Damn Nerd. It was the fact that now, in the midst of the aftermath, everyone was looking for a hero. And, for some reason, everyone was looking at him.

The three weeks after The War with the Paranormal Liberation Army was nothing short of a blur. After intense healing and barely out of his stiches, he, Deku and Todoroki were immediately thrown into the media spotlight only to quickly be yanked back into the dark by All Might and the Hero Commission. There was so much to answer for, but no one seemed to know what to say. The Hero Comission went to work on damage control, class was suspended. Bakugou just focused on getting full mobility back to his arm. He didn’t want to think about anything else or unpack any emotions. But, swallowing his emotions was becoming more difficult with each passing day.

Everyone was clinging onto him. At Midnight’s funeral, Kirishima cried into his shoulder. Bakugou stayed silent, just letting it happen. After all, Kirishima, Mina, and Momo were the first ones that found their teacher lying breathless on the battlefield. Even if Bakugou couldn’t form the words to console his friend, the least he could do was be the strong shoulder to cry on. Even though he was breaking on the inside.

Then, of course, Deku. Despite the insane amount of growth and power his childhood friend had acquired in their first year at U.A, he was still a self-shaming masochist in the making (much like the explosion hero himself). Deku went into a week long shame spiral, blaming every death on his lack of ability to take down Shigaraki and his weakness for seeing someone that still needed saving.

He too broke down in front of Bakugou, blaming himself for the scars that graced the blond boy’s chest and shoulder. “I should have been stronger. I should have been able to save and win. I didn’t do either. I can’t make this power my own when I can’t even save the people I care about-“

Despite the emotional growth Bakugou had undertaken, he was still Bakugou. But instead of outright knocking Deku into a wall he merely shoved the boy so hard he fell back in a chair and snarled, “I’d beat your ass right now but somehow I’d think you’d enjoy that. Blame yourself for any of this in front of me again and I’ll blow your ass up so fast they’ll find pieces of you in different time zones.” Yeah, he still needed to work on his bedside manner.

Todoroki was another story. The boy hadn’t said a word, a single word in three weeks. He made himself scarce, stayed in his dorm despite everyone being ushered home to be with their families. Who could blame him? The media was in a frenzy over the reveal of Toya Todoroki and the public announcement of his father’s crimes and abuse. Todoroki didn’t even attend Midnight’s funeral. Bakugou wasn’t sure if it was Todoroki’s decision not to draw attention to the sensitive matter, or the Hero Commission. Bakugou was really starting to hate the Hero Commission.

They were protecting Endeavor with all the power and influence they had, but leaving Todoroki to defend himself.

Bastards.

Both Deku and Bakugou had tried, in their own ways to engage their Icy Hot friend, but it was no use. Deku tried inviting him to his mother’s to stay over, ecen offering cold soba for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Todoroki never responded to the message.

Bakugou, in true Bakugou fashion, tried kicking down his door and challenging him to a fight, only to find a giant wall of sharp icicles dangerously close to his body. After blasting them for 10 minutes, he got the hint and left him be.

There was so much to cleanup between the three of them. They were all broken in their own ways. But, as much as time stood still at certain moments, things began to move on and forward.

And now, here they all were, standing on a runway at the early hours of the morning for a new mission that none of them had any idea about.

“The Hero committee thanks you three for your assistance with this rather important mission.” The president spoke. She dressed in all black, looking extra serious. And in Bakugou’s mind, evil as shit.

“Yeah, you didn’t give us much of a choice,” Bakugou grumbled while clutching the handle of his suitcase.

“We’re happy to be of assistance,” Midoriya answered, “But, um, can I ask where we’re going?”

“Due to the recent events and,” The president treaded carefully, “unforeseen revelations….The Hero Committee has partnered with international hero departments across the globe to form a united front against villains from all nations. We have formed the WHA. The World Hero Alliance. With a focus on the heroes of the future each Hero Commission has selected their brightest and bravest hero’s to represent Japan’s hero effort.”

Bakugou looked at Todoroki, who was currently staring at the ground, and then to Midoriya before speaking, “So you’re sending us? What are we, show horses or something?! I thought we were going to kick some ass!”

“I couldn’t agree more.” The president’s response caused Bakugou’s eyes to raise slightly, “You three were not at the top of our list. However you were personally recommended by All Might himself and we owe him quite the debt for his commitment to the cleanup the past few weeks.”

“Sorry I’m late everyone.” All Might’s voice cut through the rather thick air. The skinny man dressed in his usual oversize suit, the darkness around his eyes looking extra black and fatigued. All Might had been spending every waking moment on all the news channels reassuring the public of their faith in heroes and in Endeavour, the still number 1 hero.

“Young Midoriya, Bakugou, Todoro-“

“Shouto. Just Shouto.”

Damn, he finally speaks! And those three words managed to hit All Might, and Deku, and Bakugou with such force you would think he himself had inherited One for All.

“Right uh…Shoto. I’m so glad you all could make it. You all have your passports, licenses, and everything? Don’t worry about your hero costumes, I had some new ones created for you all to wear during the events.”

“Can anyone explain where the hell we’re going and what the fuck we’re doing?!” Damn, someone had to say it.

All Might let out a small laugh, “We’re headed to the first Annual World Hero Alliance in The United States. Los Angeles to be exact.”

“The…The… THE UNITED STATES?!” It was like the sadness washed out of Deku, revealing the eager, bright eyed hero student, and complete fanboy, “Where you became a hero?!”

“That’s right, kid. I’ll explain everything on the jet.”

Midoriya was already rushing up the flight stairs, leaving Bakugou and Shouto on the runway. Bakugou didn’t know what to do. He could tell Icy Hot was a hot mess of emotion, despite his emotionless demeanor. His natural instinct was to shake/threaten/beat the sadness out of his classmate, but he had a feeling that wouldn’t be effective.

“I know why you’re looking at me like that.” Shouto spoke, his eyes facing forward to the jet, “And no, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine. Let’s just…get this this stupid mission over with.” With that he walked forward and boarded the jet.

Fuck. Bakugou secretly hopped the WHA, or whatever it was called would get overrun by villains, as most of their missions/trips do. At least he would have someone to blast into smithereens that deserved it.

AN: Alright. Just a teaser here. I’m so excited to introduce you to The 3 aspiring heroes of The United States in the next chapter. My OCs. I can’t reveal much yet (honestly, I’m still test driving hero names). But, so excited regardless. I’ll post the next chapter by in the coming days.

#bakugou katsuki #my hero academia #mha fanfiction #todoroki shouto #midoriya izuku #he will meet the three musketeers #bnha #mha #mha oc #Say WHA series

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groovyzombiellama · 6 years ago

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The Call

Title: The Call Requested? No. Plot: You answer the phone to the worst possible news in your life, your Old Man and your brother being held hostage and you devise a plan with the rest of the Sons to have them set free. Word count: 1472

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It was a Saturday like any other, you woke up, got ready for the day, had breakfast and sent your Old Man off to church. You chose not to get too involved with this job, since the last time you got involved in a gun trading business almost ended up with you losing your life, and Jax agreed fully with your decision. He still had nightmares of those events from time to time, not just while he was sleeping, but also almost every waking moment since they accepted to do this job. So you had no idea what they were going to be doing, or who with, only the important details that Jax always gives you before every job so you would know what to do and who to call in case something goes south. You actually had no idea how south things are going to go, until you answer your phone to a voice you’ve never heard before call you from Jax’s burner phone. You start freaking out, unsure of what to do, and demand that the caller confirms to you that you that Jax is okay, otherwise there was no deal. You could only hear the man snort on the other end, informing you that you’ve got some serious balls to be demanding anything from him.

“Darlin’ I’m so sorry. Please don’t get involved.“ Jax begins to say into the phone, and your heartbeat slows down a little when you hear his voice, but all of a sudden you feel your hands start to shake as Jax grunts, signaling the man holding the phone to his ear hurt him in some way. You wanted nothing more than to rip his heart out for even thinking of touching the love of your life. Tears begin to stream down your cheeks and your hand covers your mouth, as your eyes widen once you hear a click, signaling a gun is being cocked, and you didn’t need a long time to figure out that it was pointed at your Old Man. The man who called you spoke once again, indicating that you get another shot to get the information about the merchandise from Jax, before one of the two most important people in your life gets shot. “If I don’t get the information about the merchandise, you’ll get to choose who dies, your brother or your Old Man.“ Your hand flew up to your mouth once you heard that, realizing Jax was not the only one who was captured, but Opie too. You could feel a panic attack starting to creep up on you, and you had to remind yourself to stay calm.

Then you heard Jax’s voice again and that helped you calm down at least a little bit. Jax recognized the pace your breath was at and asked you to calm down and try your best to focus on what he was telling you. You wrote down all of his instructions so you wouldn’t forget it in the moment, and after calming down for a few minutes, you memorized everything and burned the piece of paper you wrote on, just in case some rivals decide to come raid your house while you’re gone. After doing everything Jax instructed you to, it was time to head over to the drop point, and you prayed to god that Gemma would not ask you a lot of questions once you drop the boys off at her house for the night. She knew from the look on your face immediately that something was wrong, and your eyes potrayed fear, nervousness and determination all mixed into one. You were terrified of what could happen, but you were going to make sure that you do whatever you can to get your brother and Old Man back safely.

While you were driving, you remembered the time you were involved with one of Jax’s jobs and how it could have ended, gently touching the scar on your left shoulder that was your reminder of the events. You got stabbed in the shoulder and left to bleed, the blade slicing just inches from your artery. Thankfully Jax found you in time to drive you to the hospital. You placed a kiss on your “Jax“ necklace and the crow pendant next to it, as it has been keeping you safe since then, as you saw it waiting for you in a box on the living room table when you were back from the hospital. Jax caught Opie looking at him and could immediately tell that neither one of the men wanted you involved in any of this shit. They shouldn’t have come alone, but they hoped that you would team up with the rest of the guys and have them hide and wait to help in case things go bad. And you did, as you were nearing the drop point, you gave Happy a call, letting him know what you know and after waiting for him and the rest to show up, a plan was in motion. You opened your trunk and each one of the guys took a gun, courtesy of Gemma. Kozik and Tig were gonna take the left side of the drop point, Happy and Chibs were on the right, and Juice was given the honor of getting the MB13.

Your heart dropped as you saw Jax and Opie with three men next to each of them pointing their guns at them stepped out first and the man who you guessed was the one who called you was using them as a shield. You were instructed to hand the merchandise over to one of the prospects that was sent out, but instead of just giving him what was asked of you, you pulled out your gun behind you and shot the prospect. “Get on the ground!“ You yelled at Opie and Jax, and they managed to free themselves and do so as the grip of their captors was loosened by their surprise due to your plot twist. They were all taken down one by one, they perfectly positioned them far enough to be able to get taken down by two of the Sons each, without damaging Jax or Opie. The lead gang member was shocked and pulled out his gun, ready to shoot it at you, but it was quickly shot out of his grasp by Juice. You rolled your eyes and looked over behind you to the far away spot you knew he was positioned at with a grin, knowing his “have fun with it“ meter was higher than the “just end it so we can go home“ one.

You raise your arms at him, before dropping them in annoyance, knowing he’s got that shit eating grin of his on his face, and he finally got to live out his fantasy of bringing the headshot he only saw in games so far to life. Your hand flew up again, only this time forming the heavy metal horns with your fingers, knowing you made him chuckle. After Jax was freed from his handcuffs you ran up to him to engulf him in your arms. “Thank you darlin’, for always having my back. Jesus Christ I love you so much!“ Jax said into your hair as he held you close to him, as if you could vanish at any moment. You told him you loved him back and that you’d always have his back, before kissing his cheek and parting slightly. You both heard the click of Opies handcuffs hitting the ground and you rushed to hug your brother.

“Whoa there little bug, you’re gonna knock me over!“ Opie said with a chuckle as he took a few steps back once you collided with him. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at the nickname, he has been calling you that ever since you were kids, because he’s older than you and you just loved to bug him and annoy him when you were little, because you looked up to him so much. “I’m so happy you are safe. But if you call me that one more time I’ll let Juice know he can claim another headshot.“ You winked at your brother, earning a chuckle from him as you kissed his cheek too. It was time to head home, and you were driving with Jax in the passanger side, holding your hand and looking at you in adoration, and Kozik and Chibs in the back, while Juice, Tig, Happy and Opie were driving behind you. You could finally let out a breath of relief, followed by laughter as everyone was commenting on your skills as a leader, including the guys driving behind you on the speakerphone. You looked over at Jax who winked at you. These crazy men were your family, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

---***--- Hey guys, I hope you like it :) I have one more request for a written imagine with Jax in the making, one about Theo Raeken and one about Eddie Brock. So go ahead and send in requests if you have any and I’ll make sure I finish them. I’m a little short on time because I have exams the next three days and I should focus on that, but after that, I hope to be back with those three fics and I was thinking about doing some social media posts too, or texting fics with Jax (or any other SOA character) along with the written stuff, so send in requests for those too. Also, keep in mind that I will write for any celeb you want and if I have never seen anything about the character or celeb you can fill me in a little bit and I’ll write about it to the best of my abilities. Requests are open, and I continue posting after the from the 4th of April, so keep the requests coming. Also, also, I’m under 200 followers away from hitting 1k which is insane, thank you so much. If you have any ideas on what I should do to celebrate when I reach that milestone, let me know. (It could be an all types of imagines spree, or if you know a good prompts list or have your own and you would like me to write about it send it over, or something else (my brain is blank at the moment, sorry) let me know) <3

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purplesurveys · 5 years ago

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630

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Sin 1: Lust 1. Who was the last person you checked out? Did they check you out too? Surprise surprise, it’s my girlfriend. Yeah she did - I think I’d start worrying if she didn’t, lmao.

2. Who was the last person you desired, but they didn’t feel the same? Gab, at one point. Other than her, I haven’t desired anybody else; but I was on the ‘didn’t feel the same’ side at least once, back when Mike used to like me.

3. Ever cheated on a significant other? If so, have you learned from it? No, I’ve never cheated.

4. Do you watch porn? Yes. I’d have phases where I’d view it 2-3 times a week, then I’d completely stop for months – kinda like how everyone plays The Sims lol. I don’t know why it works like that for me.

5. Do you masturbate? Sometimes.

6. Best physical features on your preferred sex? I don’t have a preferred sex, and my favored features differ per person.

7. Who are some celebrities that you think are totally hot? Kristen Stewart, if you don’t me already haha. Also Eugene Lee Yang from the Try Guys, Beyoncé, and Jennifer Aniston.

8. Did you ever lust after a best friend’s significant other? How did it turn out? Mmm nope, I never found myself attracted to Hans in any way. The fact that he has always been associated with Angela ever since high school also helps.

9. When was the last time you had sex? Like a week before Christmas, I think.

10. Ever pursued someone, even though they were taken? No, that’s a little awful.

Sin 2: Gluttony 1. When did you last eat at a restaurant? What restaurant was it? Last Monday – Gab and I went to Yabu to catch dinner. We had been entertaining my mom’s guests and their kid all day and thought we couldn’t leave the house cos it’s a bit impolite, but I had such a craving that I ended up asking permission if we can go to Yabu by 8:30 even though the mall closed by 9 lol. I realize I talk about Yabu an awful lot on here so for those who wanna know, it’s this local Japanese place that serves theeeee best katsu.

2. When did you last have fast food? Where did you get it? I don’t actually remember. If I’m not wrong, it was around two or three weeks ago, and we had KFC delivered to our house because we were too lazy to cook or go out. I had the Zinger Steak, which I hope they never phase out because it’s insanely good.

3. What was the biggest meal you had all day? I haven’t eaten yet, and it’s only 10:51 AM.

4. Do you have too many clothes? How often do you go shopping? I wouldn’t say it’s overwhelmingly many, but I definitely own more clothes than the pieces I’d usually wear, and that’s because I don’t like throwing old stuff out just in case I’d need them in the future (definitely got my great-grandma’s hoarding tendencies). I go shopping once in a few months, which in itself is pretty seldom, but that’s because when I go shopping I usually already buy a shit-ton of new clothes, enough for me to be able to mix and match to come up with new outfits for the next few weeks.

5. What’s something you have a LOT of? Black clothing. I’ve made an effort to get more colored tops, but the blacks still overpower.

6. Do you eat a lot? I’m very takaw-tingin, which is a Filipino term used when you get a crapload of food either because you’re hungry or because you’re confident you can finish it – or both – then you never do. Takaw means greedy or glutton, tingin roughly means sight, so it literally means that you just kinda want to get everything because it looks like a lot. So to answer the question, I always feel like I can eat a lot, but at the end of the day I just end up with stomachaches and I never learn.

7. What was the last thing you splurged (spent a lot of money) on? If a bunch of stuff counts, then I splurged on Christmas presents for various people that I all bought in one go – I got massage oils, a garlic press, a frisbee, Marikina sandals, lipstick, and Instax film. If you’re talking about a single thing that I had to drop a ton of money on, it was for my dog’s blood test and some arthritis meds that the vet recommended.

8. What do you spend most of your money on (besides bills and anything necessary like that)? I only ever spend on necessities like gas, clothes, and food, honestly. Other than that... I spend on (and this is very seldom) whatever hobby I’m into at the moment. At one point I spent on slime because I got interested in them, and before that – and y’all know about this – I spent my Christmas savings on adult coloring books and pencils.

9. Last time you ate candy? What was it? A week or two ago; I had a Crunch bar.

10. Last thing you ate too much of? Eggs, I think. My mom makes it for breakfast so I have it almost every day.

Sin 3: Greed 1. Do you share things? How often? Yeah I can be pretty generous with my stuff. I know I’d appreciate it when other people lend me their belongings, so I try to do the same. I once lent my phone to Rita for over an hour just because she wanted to play Mario Kart, and I also lent a book that’s really important to me to an online friend I barely knew; it was with him for like two years, lol.

2. Someone asks you for a piece of your cookie. You break it in half, but the pieces aren’t equal. Who gets the bigger piece? Usually it would be me; but if the person who asked for it was Gab, or if that particular person likes the cookie I have, then they get the bigger piece.

3. When you see change on the ground, do you pick it up? Only if it’s a 10-peso coin, because I’m greedily picky like that lmao. Other people might need a peso or a 5-peso coin more, so I leave it be.

4. How often do you lend money to people? I don’t, and that’s one thing I wouldn’t tend to lend. My parents just give me allowance and it’s usually enough for necessities and for treating myself once or twice a week, so I wouldn’t be able to have some left for others. Besides, that’s my parents’ money and it would be pretty fuckin’ unfair to them if I just give it away to others lmao.

5. Do you loooove money? I hate what it’s done to society, how it’s divided the rich and the poor, and how the people with the most money also tend to be the most selfish coughcoughBILLIONAIREScoughcough. But I love spending for my own, hah.

6. If someone offers to pay for you, do you decline or readily accept? Oh no no no. Decline all the way. If they keep insisting then I’ll probably give in because it’s the polite thing to do, but if I can, I’ll keep declining.

7. Which of your friends is the wealthiest? Rita. Her grandpa is a former senator and she lives in literally the swankiest neighborhood in Metro Manila; I was a bit intimidated when she invited us to her place for the first time lol. She’s the simplest person I know, too; and that’s my favorite kind of rich.

8. Would you take a high-paying job that you didn’t really like just for the money and benefits? That’s definitely what I plan to do, lmao. At least this is how I know myself now: I have enough money to buy whatever I want, and I’m a happy camper. That may change in a few months or within the next year and I may eventually wanna search for a passion – but for now, it’s the mindset I’m going with when I go job-hunting soon. If I survived four years of college with a very burnt-out, emptied passion for journalism that I thought I had, I could probs do the same in the workplace.

9. Ever stole from anyone? What about stole from a store? What happened? I unknowingly stole a box of crayons from a store back when security equipment wasn’t that rigid yet lmao. I realized I ‘stole’ it because I had it in my hands and not in a paper bag when I walked out, so I immediately went back to pay for it. I’ve never stolen anything from anyone.

10. Do you ever have enough money? I don’t think anyone ever feels this way. Ever heard of billionaires?

Sin 4: Sloth 1. Last thing you procrastinated on? Washing the dishes last night.

2. When you’re at a strip mall and the next store you want to go to is at the other side, do you drive over there instead of take a short walk? It depends how far “the other side” is. <-- Yep pretty much. If it’s literally on the other side of a street, then obviously I’d go walk. But in places like my school which is super big and where ‘other side’ could mean 2 km away, a drive would be more convenient.

3. What’s a typical day off of school and/or work like for you? I’d normally spend the day lazing around on the couch with my dog beside me and lurking around social media.

4. What’s one talent you have that you don’t really work on, even though you have the ability to be good at it? Public speaking, or debating.

5. How many hours of television do you watch a day? I keep Friends as a background noise on Netflix nearly all day because I hate when it gets too quiet around me. As for watching on an actual television, I haven’t used one in years.

6. What about the amount of time you spend on the internet a day? The internet takes up my entire day it’s crazy lol. I kinda need it for everything now.

7. How many hours of sleep do you get a day? Do you sleep in late? It’s always different. I can go anywhere between 3 and 10 hours of sleep. I don’t sleep in often, though.

8. Do you drive to places that are less than three blocks away? I don’t know how big blocks are supposed to be since we don’t use that system here. But yes, I usually drive even though Point A to Point B is very much walkable hahaha. My friends make fun of me a lot for it but I don’t care, at least I don’t get to my destination all sweaty and smelling like the sun.

9. When was the last time you exercised? November, on my last PE class.

10. Ever copied and pasted your homework from a website on the internet? I never did this. My schools always emphasized the consequences of plagiarism so as someone who always stuck by the rules, I always made sure I at least paraphrased the content I see on the internet.

Sin 5: Wrath 1. If you could kill one person and get away with it, would you do it? I know it’s pretty dark to come from such a place, but I’ve always thought death is an easy way out for people who’ve done awful things. I could answer this question with a name of a corrupt politician, rapists, or animal abusers, but tbh they don’t deserve the sweet escape of death, even if it were from murder.

2. Is there anyone you honestly and truly can say that you hate? Anybody who has hurt cats and dogs.

3. Is there anyone you want revenge on, whether you want to get them back big-time or just play a little prank on them for hurting your feelings? Like I said, I’d daydream about getting revenge just to satiate my desire for it, but I think it’s pretty childish and downright cartoonish to actually go through with it. I’ve only ever seen people getting petty revenge in movies, but it seems a bit stupid in real life.

4. Are you fighting with any friends right now? Why? No. The most that’s happened was me kinda scolding Andrew for not letting me know beforehand that he submitted our thesis proposal to our prof through VIBER, which is incredibly unprofessional and I definitely let him know what I thought about it. I didn’t fight with him though.

5. Last time you were really angry? What happened? The aforementioned thesis prof letting me know we’re missing a part of our thesis on the last day for profs to submit their grades. That meant that however early we submitted a revision, she wouldn’t have been able to give it a mark anyway. That definitely pissed me off, especially considering that she was silent for two weeks and didn’t give back any comments which made us think we were good to go.

6. When you’re angry, what do you do to calm yourself down? I watch Friends or any one of my favorite YouTubers so I can have some relief. Other times, I’d force myself to sleep.

7. “Hate is just the fear of loving someone.” true or false? No. That makes no sense to me.

8. What’s the best revenge you ever got on someone? Never done this before.

9. Was there any hard feelings after your last break-up? On whose end was it on? There were definitely hard feelings in the beginning because she executed the breakup so poorly and I thought I didn’t deserve any of the treatment I was getting, and I was also mad that I wasted my time for that long only for her to break up with me in the end.

10. Ever been cheated on? How did that make you feel? No.

Sin 6: Envy 1. Is there anyone you’re jealous of? Name a person and tell us why. Envious is the better word, and I feel this way towards anybody who live with both parents. My dad’s worked overseas all my life, and as grateful as I am for his sacrifices, having a dad at home is more foreign sensation to me than the idea of having a dad who’s gone for 4-6 months a year.

2. List three physical features some other people have that you’re envious of (no need to get specific and name people; you can just say something like “brown eyes” or “having perfect eyebrows”). Straight teeth, fixed eyebrows, legs that don’t need much shaving.

3. List three personality features that other people have that you’re envious of. Confidence, independence... is privilege a personality trait lol?

4. Are you a jealous significant other? I can be. I don’t make a big deal about being jealous as much as I did two or three years ago anymore though.

5. Could you date someone who was really jealous? Gab can be a little jealous but for the most part it’s endearing because it’s never turned into abuse.

6. What celebrity’s looks do you envy the most? Audrey Hepburn.

7. Do you think anyone is envious of you? In your opinion, what characteristics (physical and mental) do you possess that you think someone might be envious of? Being in a long-term relationship, definitely. A lot of people my age want significant others so bad, and I know this because a good chunk of them post the same wish over and over on social media lol.

8. What are a few things you wish you were good at? Drawing, playing an instrument, dancing ballet, changing a car tire, COOKING.

9. Did you ever date someone, break up, and then see them dating someone very attractive a few days later? Were you jealous of that person? This has never happened to me.

10. When looking at a love interest’s exes, do you often find yourself jealous of their good-looking exes? I haven’t had to do this, because I was Gab’s first. I wouldn’t want to fixate on exes if I were in a different situation, though.

Sin 7: Pride 1. What’s something you brag about a lot (be honest–we all brag sometimes)? My school is easy bragging rights. Everybody wants to be in UP.

2. What physical features do you take the most pride in? My body figure in general. Also my fingers, legs, and jawline.

3. Are you satisfied with what you have? Yeah but as the above questions have made it clear, I can always use more money lol.

4. Be honest… when someone is telling you something, do you often change the subject so it’s about you and your accomplishments instead? NEVER. That’s one of the worst things anyone can do. I feel like I used to do this when I was younger, then it just hit me one day about how tasteless it can be so ever since then I’ve let other people hype themselves up and be excited about accomplishments or new things in their life as much as they want with me, as long as they aren’t being so conceited.

5. Do you like talking about your achievements? If I’m in a group and we started sharing our achievements then yeah I’d join in. But I wouldn’t bring it up if it wasn’t already being brought up. It’s better to let the accomplishments speak for themselves.

6. Do your parents tend to brag about how well you came out? My mom is definitely more ~braggier than my dad, but she’s never come off as an asshole about it. If she was, I’d pull her aside.

7. Do you strive to be better than others? Do you think competing with others is healthy? I keep a mindset of competing with others, but I keep it internal.

8. What do you do better than most people? See the little details. I’m always surprised at how most of the people I work with just look at the big picture – like how they don’t pay attention to the red squiggle under misspelled words on a group paper (or if they do see it, they don’t do anything about it), or how they don’t seem to care about proper spacing on a Powerpoint and proceed to just dump a bunch of text on one slide. Now this is something I can brag about too, cos a lot of people are just so not detail-oriented lol.

9. Do you believe in taking pride in things you can’t control (ex. being proud of your heritage, being proud of your skin color, being proud of your natural artistic ability)? I don’t see why that’s an issue.

10. Who are you competing with right now (it could be anything–classmates for a grade, co-workers for a position, other girl for a guy, etc.)? There’s no particular person, but like I said, I’m always in this perpetual mindset of wanting to compete with others just so I’m more motivated to perform well and get things done.

#survey #surveys #this was fun

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chillmichelle · 6 years ago

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Open and Hoping

Y/n gets more than she bargains for when she suggest her and Harry begin an open relationship as a last resort

4k+ of angst

Warning: Mentions of sex

3 years prior

I can almost feel the words on the edge of his tongue as he sips copious amounts of expensive wine in silence. I wonder to myself how he’s going to tell me he’s unhappy.

Maybe he’ll beat around the bush. He always had a high tolerance for alcohol, and he’s not very good at being upfront when he’s sober. There’s no way he’s drunk this quickly as his aura still seems tense. Forced, almost.

“I don’t think this is going to work.”

Maybe he’ll sugarcoat it. Coax me into agreeing with what he has to say with some romantic feature about our past.

“We had 5 great years together You were the first girl I ever really loved... but I think we should end it here.”

Or maybe, he just doesn’t love me anymore at all.

“I want a divorce”

Harry and I were still very much in love in certain ways. He enjoyed holding me while he slept, or watching cheesy movies with me while I built a sad excuse for a fort and popped some crappy knock-off movie theater popcorn and turned on badly filmed horror film from the 80s.

But he never told me I was beautiful anymore. Slowly, his compliments turned into looks, and his looks turned elsewhere. He slept with other women, I thought, because he couldn’t get off with me. It was incredibly painful knowing the man that I was hopelessly in love with no longer found me desirable, that he no longer tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear before smiling at me in adoration.

Eventually we both became more unhappy friends who were forced to be together. Harry would messily try to hide that he was sleeping with other people from me, ad the stress of having to sneak behind my back caused him to blame me for his tension instead of anything else.

There were times when I believed that it was his fault our marriage had turned out this way. But the more I pondered it, the more I realized that I could’ve tried harder. I could’ve flown out to see him when he couldn’t be bothered with a phone call, I could’ve told him how much he went to me sohe never had to sneak comfort in another person to begin with.

He loved me when it was convenient.

Before he has the opportunity to state what i’ve been fearing for the past few months of our crumbling marriage, I intercept his statement before it can begin.

“I know you’re sleeping with someone else, Harry.”

He chokes on his wine, sputtering the grape colored liquid across the napkin on his lap as he looks at me with wide eyes. I didn’t know he actually thought he was slick enough to make it any less obvious than it was.

“I know you’re not happy anymore” I breath out. It takes everything inside of me not to break down right then and there, because his facial expressions are just confirming my statements. And even though I knew they were true from the start, i’d always hoped they weren’t.

“It’s...going to be bad for the both of us if we get a-” I clear my throat in place of saying the word and he nods at me expectantly, clearly uncomfortable about the subject as well. The hairband on my wrist rolls around my fingertips, a habit I reconcieve when i’m nervous.

“The media will think you cheated on me. I mean - it’s not like you didn’t or anything it’s just...I still love you and I still want the best for you and I know that this isn’t it.” I stare at my lap for a few moments, blinking quickly a few times to clear the tears welling up in my eyes.

“An open relationship.” I blurt out. He stares at me in shock, as if he wasn’t expecting for me to suggest something so crude, something that was so incredibly against my values. He has brought up the subject while drunk months ago - when our marriage was slipping into oblivion but wasn’t necessarily there. I was quick to dismiss the subject with a “Yeah, but it’s a good thing we love each other too much” before he drunkenly nodded and proceeded to ramble on about another random subject.

I was so excited that he was finally speaking to me - drunk or not - that I proceeded to feed him soup to ache his inevitable hangover. And after he returned to his more distant self the next morning, I placed more thought into the concept of sharing him. The idea that I would let him live out his multi-woman phase before he could eventually return to who he was, and who he loved.

I figured that allowing him to be free for while would make him realize that other women didn’t stand in the way of what we had. That he could freely do as he pleased, and then in our spare time together we could rebuild our relationship that had crumbled with our backs turned.

“We can both sleep with other people.” I choke out. I stare at the emotions running across his face. His beautiful, horrible face that I was so irrevocably, messily in love with. The face that belonged to the man I would do anything for.

“That’s what you want, right?” Some people would say that I was insane for agreeing to this, or even suggesting it to begin with. But it was Harry. My husband that I had poured myself into, that held more of myself than I did.

It was so incredibly painful that I would rather hang onto some of him desperately than to give up on him completely.

2 years prior

“Happy birthday, darling”

He holds expensive shopping bags. The glossy, black colors contrasting with his pale skin littered with tattoos. He leans in to give me a quick kiss on my forehead before dropping them on the floor. I sit in a messy bun and a large t-shirt that smells like him.

I wrap my arms around his torso, burying my face into his shirt and inhaling the scent. He proceeds to grab my waist, rubbing his thumb over the large t-shirt I wear.

“Be ready to go somewhere in an hour, I have so much planned for today.” He mutters. I loosen my arms to lean back and smile up at him, “Does that mean I get you all to myself today?” I ask hopefully.

“Of course. You get me everyday, always.” He replies. Although i’m sure he means that we’re bound together by the simple silver rings on our fingers, I know that he’s not always mine to love. I’m aware that more often than not he leaves home with me to seek temporary residence with someone else.

“You and I both know that’s not true, Harry.” I tell him. I admit to him that it isn’t possible for me to share intimacy with anyone other than him, as I have many times before.

He sighs with a slightly sympathetic gleam in his eyes.

“Y/n, regardless of what we...do in this relationship, you still always come first to me. You’re my wife, you’re the love of my life and I married you for a reason. This is just what’s for best for us at the moment, you know i’m always yours when you need me.”

“What’s best for us at the moment.”

As in, not permanent.

I hold onto his words that imply this agreement has a possibility of being temporary. My birthday is turning out to be better than expected so far. And although every time I inhale him I smell less of him and more of other women, I push my thoughts to the back of my mind and place my focus on our potential.

I smile at the words he states, my hands wrapped around his waist lowering towards the buckle on his belt.

“One hour, you said?”

He smirks, leaning in towards me so that I can feel the whisper of his breath dance across my breath. I can’t help but think about how I might not have been the most recent girl to unbuckle his belt, to admire him from this close.

But I allow myself to become immersed in the part of him I have now. This was better than divorce, right? It was better than the constant arguments and silences we would have a year ago. He loved me, and he put me before others when necessary. He might be with others some evenings, but his nights belonged to me. And if I pushed hard enough, perhaps his mornings may be as well someday.

I spend the hour giving him pieces of myself I haven’t let myself give other men. I allow myself to pretend that he thinks the same of himself, and with every word he tells me, I allow a fantasy to grow inside my mind. One of exclusivity, happiness, loyalty.

One that i’m aware expired long ago.

Hope.

It drives us, and sometimes it drives us insane.

Present Time

He presses me up against the wall, his large fingers leaving pearl sized dimples where they meet my thighs. His lips hungrily nip at my neck, but all I can think about is Harry.

I wonder who he’s sleeping with tonight?

I think back to when we were younger and surely in love, to when we were always insatiable and in need of more of each other, and I close my eyes and I imagine i’m 22 again and being with Harry exclusively. If I close my eyes hard enough, the man I have no interest in slobbering all over my neck becomes the man that I love.

Yeah, Nope.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t think i’m feeling it.” I tell Jordan, my personal trainer. He groans before slowly lowering me from the lockers onto the ground and I awkwardly rub the back of my neck.

“Well can you at least suck me off or something? You kinda got me worked up.” He chuckles. I look down to see a prominent bulge in his pants, but the thought of being with someone other than Harry frightens me and quite frankly, disgusts me.

“I’m really sorry Jordan.” I mutter, fiddling with my sock-clad feet before slipping them inside my tennis shoes. I grab my phone from the bench in the family locker room and scroll through my contacts, dialling Harry’s number.

His phone rings multiple times, and I almost think he’s going to forget about my again until he answers.

“Hell-Hello” He breathes out heavily. I wonder why he’s so exhausted, but don’t think too far into it before replying, “Harry. You promised you’d drive me home from the gym on the way back from work, remember?” I ask, trying not to sound too annoyed.

“Shit-Shit, yeah, babe. I completely for-forgot about that. I-I’m on my way.” I sigh when he hangs up, sitting on the bench in front of the gym. The sky looks grey and thunder rumbles a I sit alone, sipping from my water bottle occasionally.

Why couldn’t I bring myself to do it?

Harry slept with countless women ever since our agreement was first put into place. It seemed as if he picked up women everywhere he went.

There were pros to an open relationship though, without the tensions of Harry’s constant infidelity lingering in the air, we were much closer as a couple. We often spent time together and he always managed to wake up next to me, regardless of how it happened. Well, sometimes he would stumble in after I had awakened, but I lied to myself and pretended to sleep just to feel him hold me.

A few droplets of water fall onto my face. Initially I believe it’s sweat, but I soon realize the droplets become heavier and heavier. I turn around to seek refuge from the rain inside of the gym, only to realize it was closed and the only reason I got in was because Jordan worked here and had a key, leaving the door locked without him.

I begrudgingly walk next to the curb, drenching myself in the rain in the process.

I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with someone other than Harry. It just felt wrong because regardless of the circumstances, my heart belonged to him. It was shattering to lie around while he was granted the ability to sleep with countless women, but I believed he did still love me. I just think we had different ways of expressing that love.

I finally see his expensive car pull up next to me. My clothes are drenched, and Harry’s taken far longer than the 3 minutes it takes to drive from his studio to the gym. I grab my things and open the passenger’s seat, rushing to get in before I get even more wet.

“Woah, woah, woah, this is italian leather” He protectively places his hand over the passenger’s seat and shoots me a cheeky grin. I playfully flick water at him and he whines, rubbing the minimal droplets off of his forehead as I slosh down next to him.

“How was your day?” He places a hand on my dampened thigh. It gives me warmth after standing outside in the rain and my heart swells at the gesture.

“Good. Went to the gym, wrote a couple pieces for my new poetry book.” I simply reply. He smirks and looks at me when we halt at a red light momentarily.

The smell of perfume and air freshener lingers in the car while he drives. As if he at least attempted to cover up what felt like infidelity before I came. Sometimes, I wondered if things had been different had I suggested something else that night, if I had moved on rather than holding on.

“Right, I forgot I was married to a New York Times bestseller.” He tells me in adoration. More often than not it felt as if we were friends instead of significant others, but not wanting to turn down the compliment he utters, I smile. I playfully punch his shoulder again, the both of us giggling playfully as he tries to defend himself.

“You’re in an awfully good mood today.” I tell him, happy about the moment we’re sharing. Moments like these give me confidence that we can eventually rebuild our marriage, that we can have the relationship we once had again.

“Yeah, I got some good head from a new intern before I picked you up.” I was absolutely clueless. That’s probably why he was late, and sounded so exasperated over the phone. Because he was with someone else when he was supposed to remember to pick me up.

There goes my confidence.

“Cool.” I try to reply enthusiastically. Truthfully, I can only take so much of his crude remarks and blatant honesty.

“What about you?” He asks, lifting his eyebrows up and down suggestively, “You getting it in?” He asks me. I fake a laugh at his childish behavior.

“I’ve been busy.” I simply reply. He nods, and the rest of the ride back to our place is in silence.

“Hey Love, I bumped into a girl at the gym the other night and she wants to go out tonight, would it be alright with you if I cancelled movie night?” Harry pokes his head in as i’m writing one of the pieces to my new book. Truthfully, movie night was the one thing I was looking forward to this week. I would finally be able to get some alone time with Harry. Him holding me and the occasionally contact of his shoulder to mine as we sat next to each other on movie nights was the closest i’d been to him in a while.

“Why can’t you go out with her any other night?” I ask in annoyance. He rolls his eyes before replying, “Why can’t you reschedule movie night to another night?”

“We’ve had these plans in place Harry. Besides, you have booty calls set up every other day of the week, why does this one matter so much to you?” I reply bitterly.

“C’mon, babe, she almost won Miss America in, like, college or something. That’s so hot. Please, baby? I swear i’ll make it up to you.” He wraps his arms around my neck from behind. A flame of hurt grows in my chest and I turn to look up at him.

I sigh before speaking, “Sometimes I feel like you put your booty calls before me.” I honestly tell him. Tears involuntarily well up in my eyes, but I fake shyness and look down at my shoes to avoid confrontation.

“Well what do you expect me to say, Y/n? You’re the one who suggested we even do this thing to begin with.” He replies, his voice distraught. My lip begins to quiver and I stare up at him. His expression softens and he sighs.

“I swear i’ll be back by 10, that’s when Elf starts, right?” He asks me, a hopeful and persuasive grin on his face. His mood shifts dramatically from when he snapped just seconds ago.

“Harry, it’s not just tonight.” I sigh, shaking my head. “Recently I just don’t even feel like your wife anymore. We don’t spend any time together, we haven’t had sex in months. I just...I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” I bite my lip, my eyes beginning to form puffy rims.

“Hey, hey, hey, no.” He grabs both of my hands, taking them in his own as he squats down to where we’re levelled in height. “You are the love of my life. I love you so much baby, and no amount of women is going to change that.”

Listen, he sighs as if he’s forcing his words instead of genuinely meaning them “If it’s what you really want, I can stay home tonight.” I can already tell that even if he stayed, he would do so in a hostile mood. So before he mutters swear words under his breath, I briskly respond.

“You can go, just...you owe me one, okay?”

I smile a bit but my heart still aches for my own well being.

“It’s our anniversary next week, love. I swear we can have the whole day, just you and me. All I want is tonight. You can stay in, write some poetry and drink some tea. I’ll be back before you know it.” He quickly replies. I can tell his mood is elated as he speaks quickly and his voice seems higher than usual.

And before I can reply, he walks out of the door.

Harry never came back that night.

The next morning, he walked in with sex hair and the same outfit he walked out in. He looks at me guiltily before rushing past me to our bedroom upstairs, the very place where I slept alone last night.

Harry is getting everything from this relationship. As far as the media is concerned, he’s an amazing husband and we’re a happy couple. He gets to sleep with whoever he wants and it’s just no fair sometimes.

But I guess I don’t get to complain. It was my selfish need to continue to be with him that brought us here to begin with.

I think my least favorite thing is when Harry’s on his phone.

He’s continuously typing away on his device. I know it’s because he’s texting his other women. I talk about how my book is coming along and he pretends to listen, but then his phone vibrates and i’m speaking to myself and the walls of our home.

I peek over his shoulder as he’s immersed in typing away on his device.

“She’s just my wife for publicity purposes, nothing more than that. We don’t even have sex because I don’t like her like that. It’s not that big of a deal, I promise I can find a way to spend the night with you again. Just let me-” Harry looks over his shoulder to see me turning my head, heading towards what now just seems like my bedroom. It feels as if i’ve been cheated on for the second time and it hurts unbelievably badly.

“Y/n” Harry calls from the couch.

“Y/n, love. Honey you know I didn’t me-”

And I slam the door from upstairs, sliding down the door and sobbing into my hands. Harry holds pieces of me everywhere he goes and throws them into women incapable of knowing what to do with them.

I grab my purse in front of my vanity, and open my wallet, pulling out a business card I never thought i’d have to use.

Ever since that afternoon, Harry and I have been on edge.

We had sex once.

Our marriage wasn’t the same anymore, neither was anything else that we seem to share. He doesn’t look at me anymore, doesn’t care about what I want before he briskly releases inside of me and rolls off of me in a hurry.

I can’t help but think it’s more for himself than it is for me. That he did it because he doesn’t want to lose this squeaky clean reputation that goes down the drain if I leave him. I could tell he didn’t want to do it, resulting in me silently crying in bed afterwards, while the door slams shut and he leaves me again.

It’s our anniversary today.

Harry had told me that he was going to make it special, or spend the whole day with me, was it?

I should really stop trusting him to have my best interest at heart when all he does is use me to manipulate other women.

Am I really so horrible that he can’t bear to sleep with me? That he has to find comfort in women he doesn’t know, women who don’t care about him.

I go through with dialling the number on the business cad i’ve been pondering for so long. I spend my day planning out exactly what i’m going to say to Harry when he walks through to doors to our house.

He comes in at 3 in the morning, with sex hair and disheveled clothing.

“Y/n? What are you doing up?” He asks, squinting at the bright light of the living room.

I hand him a small gift bag and an envelope. Both of which say “Happy 5 year anniversary” in my handwriting. His eyes widen and he looks at me in shock.

“Baby, I-”

“You gonna open your present?” I cut him off. He stares at me expectantly, but realizing i have nothing to say to him, he gulps and then returns to hesitantly opening his envelope.

His eyes widen despite his tired state.

“Divorce papers? Over me forgetting our an-”

“Don’t you dare pin this on me! You know damn well what you did, reap what you sow. Now open your other gift bag so I can go to sleep in MY room. I waited all night for you.”

He looks so stressed already, but after he tears out the purple tissue paper from the bag his eyes almost bulge out of his head.

“Y/n, are you preg-”

“Yes” I cut him off, not wanting to hear him say it. His expression quickly shifts from one of worry, to one of happiness. I can’t help but wonder why, he’s in no state to be responsible for anything else but himself.

“Baby...this is great! We can-” I cut him off again, “No!” I cut him off loudly. His eyes widen as he stares at me in shock. “Whatever kind of picture perfect family you think we could now be, is never going to happen. You can’t even commit to a girl for more than one night, Harry. You couldn’t commit to me for more than a few years, I don’t trust you to commit to a human child. Especially one you conceived from sex you didn’t want to have to begin with.”

He looks defeated, stressed and worn. Like he wants so many things but has given up on having them, a feeling I can very well relate to.

“Y/n, I love you, you know that.” He tells me sincerely. I dodge his look and hand him the business card of my divorce attorney, leaving him speechless as I walk out on him for the first time ever.

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supergenial · 5 years ago

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[translation and lyrics] 一対半の狂爭曲《カプリシオ》〜絶対に渡さない〜 by ななひら, mega and nayuta

youtube

This track is composed by Camelia which means it is automatically great. This time it’s a song about a love triangle between three, uhh, less than respectable folks (to say the least). It’s pretty fun though and they also got nayuta to chip in and be the third voice. Very vivid and fun little track, it’s got love, conflict, Super Smash Brothers, everything you could want. Lyrics down below and see you soon.

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一対半の狂爭曲《カプリシオ》～絶対に渡さない～ (ittsuihan no <capurishio> zettai ni watasanai, half-paired capriccio , I absolutely won't hand her over)

vocals: nanahira and nayuta and mega music and lyrics: かめりあ

ai wo (ai wo) motometeru kimi ga (kimi ga) erande okureyo kono te no toru chigiri wa watashi- anata? watashi- anata? aa yuragu capurishio

if it's love what you desire, then what will you choose hold this hand of mine and promise that you and I? that you and I? ahh, we’re drowning in these whims

[watashi ga hime moraun dakedo! hanashite! baka! aho!] [watashi no mono ni kimatteru janai! kii!] [mou watashi no tame ni arasou no wa yamete~!] [[dochira ni fusawashii ka... kecchaku wo tsukeyou]]

"I'll be getting the princess so step aside! let go! idiot! fool! "She's gonna be mine it's already decided! ahhh" "Please, stop fighting for my sake!" "Who's truly worthy... we'll settle it right here"

osuka hiku ka no (kakehiki yori mo) akai ito wa sakuzatsu (mou tokenai no sa) musunda koyubi ga itamu kurai hikarete erabenai no kai? (ka yowai Answer) watashi dake no mono (watashi wa shinai yo) tsuki to hi no aida meguri meguru rondo

as we tug and pull (in this struggle) the red string that connects us (seems to be fading) but it's surely binding us and bringing us closer you can't decide? what a weak answer you're mine only (No I am not) and so we're back and forth on this rondo another day and night

mou me wo mite nante irarenai (naze... naze erabenai no...) toraware no PRINCESS tsuredashite ageru (okane ageru yo! kingin! zaihou!) akuma no koe mimi wo fusagu no (niku to sushi! karee ni torokeru chiizu!) saa namae wo yonde

you just need to look me in the eyes (why... why can't she choose) I'll take the captive princess with me (I'll give you all my money! and gold! and treasures!) Don't listen to that devil's words (meat and sushi! curry and melted cheese!) now call my name

ai wa (ai wa) amaku toke negau (negau) mariaaju wakare michi ga tokeau yoru (sasou damasu agaku) Rendezvous... kase wa (kase wa) hodokisute kimi ga (kimi ga) sabaite kureru kai erabenai no kotae wo watashi- anata? watashi- anata? aa jireru capurishio

love is thawing out this petition of marriage and so our paths may part away in this night (of invitations, lies, and struggle) in which we Rendezvous our ties come undone as you judge me so harshly but you still can't choose and say that you and I? that you and I? ahh, we're burning in these whims

(ha!! fu! yaruna... seiyaaaa!) (fu! sokoda!! teya!!! ha!) (futari ga watashi wo megutte kettou wo... mou yamete! futari tomo, sonna...) (n?) (nani?) GAME SET (ee, suma[bu]ra jan...)

"take this!" "not so fast!" "If you two keep fighting over me... stop! you two! "eh?" "what?" GAME SET "ee, is this smash bros?"

koi no kao shite amaku hohoemu futatsu narabetara kuroi ai no Chocolat kakushita hitomi ni kanashimi ga nijinde "bonjour mon cher" ubu na kao shite "douzo kochira he to" sasoi komu Dreamland yon tsu no te ga maneku hakuyamu no sonata

with such a lovely face and such a beautiful smile we've both lined up for the dark chocolate that is your love as your eyes try to hide away the sadness in them "Hello my sweetheart" I say to that innocent face "Come here with me" I say inviting you to my Dreamland and both your hands take me to a sonata in a white dream

tameiki wa netsu wo obite (watashi no karada wa hitotsu shikanai no ni...!) soutsui no PARADISE nukedashi mashou? (jaa jouhanshi mo~rai!) ohimesama kochira koso deguchi desu (ee gehanshi!? yabbbba!!!) saa namae wo yonde

I let out my passion with a sigh (My body is only one, this can't be helped...!) why'd you escape this paradise of us two? (well guess I'm ok with just the upper half of it) Princess! the exit is over here (ehh, no, wait, maybe I should keep the lower half?? even better!) now call my name

ai mo (ai mo) mayou hodo atsureki (atsureki) paradokusu marude hatameku akai chou nerau tsukamu nigeru Labyrinth arasou (arasou) ai no tame kimi ga (kimi ga) azayaka na sei sa tsumi na hito dato nante watashi- anata? watashi- anata? aa nageku capurishio

it's love that births confusion and gives way to this paradox like a fluttering red butterfly i'm (targeted, trapped, escaping) in this labyrinth fighting for love because you're worth this pain despite me being so sinful will you and I? you and I? ahh, I'm being thorn apart by these whims

(anata ga... watashi no...) (hime... watashi koso ga anata ni fusawashii mono desu) (pajama wo kigaete kite kudasaru? hai tsugi!) (hime... watashi nara anata wo shiawase ni shite mise masu) (soshage ni kuni no shisan kakin shinagara iwanaide! hai tsugi!!) (hime! watashi koso!) (nande cheinmeiru nano!? tsugi!!) (hime! watashi nara!) (tenjou made kokusai de hikanai! tsugi!!) (hime~!!) (owa~!!)

"Are you... my..." "Princess... I am the most suitable for you" "and yet you came here in pajamas? next" "Princess... Only I can make you happy" "How exactly if you keep spending all your money on gacha games? next" "Princess! pick me!" "Eww, you're wearing chain mail? next" "Princess! do me!" "So I can take your exceeding debts for you? Next!" "Princess~!!" "owaaa~!!"

ai wo (ai wo) motometeru atsui (atsui) serenaade futatsu hoshi no aida ni saku (ubau nusumu mogaku) Destiny... uso wa (uso wa) chigiri sute kimi ga (kimi ga) erande okure yo kono te no toru chigiri wa watashi- anata? watashi- anata? ai ga ai ga ai ga kuruu watashi- anata? watashi- anata? aa moeru capurishio

Expressing my yearning for your love in this serenade Between our two stars bloomed (and was stolen, robbed and trampled) our destiny Cut away the lies and tell us who you choose make your promise and take my hand and say that you and I? that you and I? love, love, your love is driving me insane that you and I? that you and I? ahh, we are burning in your whims

ittsuihan no <capurishio> aa...

your whim of being only half a couple

ah....

“Wait a minute, you skipped the previous track didn’t you?!” ok you got me, this song had too much net slang for me to properly translate every line in it, sorry bout that one. I commented on that link with the lyrics for the song (with no translation) but if you’re curious what it’s about: The title is something like “the song of not losing to normies on halloween” and it’s about a hikkikomori being troubled by fucking normies on halloween night. It’s actually pretty funny but some of its terminology flies over my head ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Also for what it’s worth I thought mega absolutely killed it and did a much better job covering nanahi’s song than nanahi covering one of hers, good for her.

Might as well write this down too since I already overextended with the previous paragraph. The title of this song says ”狂爭曲《カプリシオ》”, the first 3 characters are not a real word while the ones between parenthesis indicate how it’s actually supposed to be read, this is easily backed up by the actual lyrics at the end plus it’s fairly common practice in japanese media to do these silly made up words. Based on it’s kanji 狂爭曲 would mean something like “song of a mad struggle” if it was a real word. HOWEVER, my dumb ass initially assumed the reading referred to Caprice(french word for whim) since the song has a couple of french lines in it.

Then however I found out Capriccio is an actual music term for a very free-form piece, however I’m still leaving it as whim since it perfectly fits what is going on and was probably intended to. Also “burning in this free form style of composition” doesn’t sound as good as “burning in your whims”, so yeah, there you have it.

#一対半の狂爭曲《カプリシオ》〜絶対に渡さない〜#ななひら #mega #nanahira #ittsuihan no capurishio zettai ni watasanai #translation #lyrics #doujin music #denpa #ななめが王国 #nanamega oukoku

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valoriefountain-blog · 5 years ago

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Batch Convert OGG To WAV

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jonathantaylorthomas · 7 years ago

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[excerpt] 15. This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Does anyone apart from Pusha T relish a good diss track as much as Swift? 2017’s Reputation might have its patchy moments of just-out-of-date beats but it’s also full of deliciously vicious moments. I Did Something Bad was a beautiful middle finger to an ex (Calvin Harris, apparently), Look What You Made Me Do cut down her critics and this track, which is effectively a more bitter Bad Blood, battered Kim and Kanye. “Friends don’t try to trick you/Get you on the phone and mind-twist you” she sings in an apparent swipe at the ‘I made that b**** famous’ controversy, while underneath stuttering electro-pop clashes with tinkling piano. The chorus is Swift at her most bitingly patronising, smiling as she twists the knife in.

14. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Swift managed her first US number one with We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. The singer’s knack for an earworm is obvious here, with the song one of the simplest but strongest of her career. The rest of Red dabbles with pop but Swift’s country roots are still very visible here. A foot-stomping acoustic guitar riff is right at the heart of the track, which is a much lighter take on the relationship at the heart of All Too Well. The old Taylor might not be able to come the phone right now, but she was on top form here.

13. Our Song

Jaunty violins, talk about God, a Nashville accent that twangs like a banjo string: Our Song is Taylor in full country mode. It’s got all the hallmarks of her early verse-chorus-bridge songwriting, and Swift reportedly put it together in 20 minutes for her ninth grade talent show before the record company nabbed it for her debut album. Built around a colossal chorus, where her delivery cracks like a drum beat, Our Song is a vivid picture of her teenage years and a testament to Swift’s natural songwriting nous – a reminder that, despite the headlines, she’s built a career on talent, not merely hype and controversy. Tim McGraw, which starts the album, has much the same effect.

12. I Knew You Were Trouble

2012 album Red took Swift’s popularity to new levels and the universal appeal of I Knew You Were Trouble was a key part of that success. The song became one of the most parodied tracks of the year but even adding screaming goats into the mix couldn’t the hamper its impact. It’s perhaps surprising that despite the song’s success, the chorus marked one of the singer’s most experimental to date, flirting with dubstep, pop and dance influences. It’s the perfect example of Swift’s early musical experimentations – as was the U2-esque album opener State of Grace – which would eventually pave the way for the reinvention on 1989 two years later.

11. Shake It Off

Shake It Off is perhaps the perfect song to explain Taylor Swift and seems to encapsulate the contradictions which have made her a star. For everything that’s toe-curling and cringeworthy (see: “this sick beat”, the whole “my ex man” riff), it’s also infectious, irresistible and triumphantly confident; Swift knows it’s geeky and doesn’t care. It’s a song to shimmy to – and then to kiss your crush to, when she asks the fella with the hella good hair to shake, shake, shake. Grab the white wine and go be basic – sometimes it’s fun.

10. 22

While Swift can occasionally lean-in on her wry way of seeing the world, she’s also gloriously unafraid of big, dumb pop. 22 is almost comically simplistic: the opening guitar riff is just a watered down Wild Thing, the drum beat is mindlessly insistent – a bass kick on every single beat – and the main hook (“I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22”) has all the intelligence of a failed GCSE. None of it matters; the song is a joyous riot, set in a world where there are no pressures, no bills and the sun only goes down so everyone can go to bed together. It is fun, it is silly, it’s happiness is infectiously single-minded and the best lines come right at the end: “You look like bad news, I gotta have you”. There’s even Nile Rodgers-style guitar thrown in on the chorus. Splendid stuff. No wonder it’s said to be Harry Styles’ favourite Swift song.

9. Fifteen

Much has been made of Swift’s big transformation from country singer to pop behemoth but even before she was out of her teens she was flirting with stadium friendly rock. Still, Fifteen had plenty of banjo all over it, while her voice charmingly twangs as she talks boys and cars and heartbreak. Of which, it’s the lyrics that make this one: the song itself is so polished and clean it could have been assembled on a Tennessee production line, but Swift manages to infuse it with a sense of failed teenage romance that feels real – unsurprising, perhaps, given it’s based on her and her best friend Abigail Anderson’s years at Hendersonville High School.

“In your life you’ll do things greater than/Dating the boy on the football team/But I didn’t know it at fifteen” she sings, “Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now”. Ain’t that the truth.

8. Love Story

Ten years ago, pre-Kanye-at-the-VMAs, Swift was, in Britain at least, still that country girl with that one catchy song. This was that song; a hopelessly romantic tale of teenage love, Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet over pop-punk guitars and key changes and, of course, a happy ending replacing the tragedy. Eight million copies sold, making it the best selling country single of all time and paving the way for the decade of massive success that followed.

7. Blank Space

Blank Space is a minimalist masterpiece that paradoxically is crammed with hooks (something she manages again, like a magic trick, on Clean). The song in itself is actually surprisingly slow-moving; chords are long, drawn-out and the drums snap but are unhurried. The genius here in is Swift’s vocals, which are catchy enough that the whole thing seems to be one long chorus. Blank Space also marks the beginning of Swift sending herself up; in it, she satirises her media image as a man-obsessed, relationship addicted nightmare who serially dates for songwriting material. Hilariously, the key line (“Got a long list of ex-lovers/They’ll tell you I’m insane”) has often been misheard – including by her own mother – as “all the lonely Starbucks lovers”, which rather changes the point somewhat. The video is a work of art too, introducing the world to the ‘new Taylor’ – before the new Taylor became the old, dead Taylor. Oh, and look out for her slip up at 3.40, it’s hilarious.

6. New Year’s Day

The beautiful, reverb soaked piano that flutters through New Year’s Day is a sign of what could be to come for Swift – not now, perhaps, but maybe in 20 years. It could be played then and just as good. If All Too Well is her great grown-up heartbreak track, this is her great grown-up love song. Whereas 1989’s You Are In Love used a similar sound for a rip of Bruce Springsteen’s Street’s of Philadelphia, here it’s more of a James Blake vibe. The beauty is in the simplicity; this is a love as rational as it is passionate. The metaphor is about being there for the good times (the party at midnight) and the bad (cleaning up bottles on New Year’s Day). There is a stroke of brilliance, too: “Please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognise anywhere” she sings as a reprise, realising what too few of us do until it’s too late: love is as fragile as it precious.

5. You Belong With Me

Taylor has a long-standing love affair with power chords and pop-punk goodness. On Red, there’s Holy Ground, before that was Speak Now’s girl-breaking-free-to-rule-the-world Long Live and before that was You Belong With Me on Fearless. It’s sometimes criticised for being too similar to her other early hits but in truth, it’s just the best example of them. It’s also wonderfully full Taylor: she plays the self-deprecating dork in love with her best friend, and the video is completely, brilliantly hysterical. There are all the elements needed: crashing guitars, unrequited love, a little teenage angst. It’s far from perfect: the lyrics are her corniest, the premise is cliched and the country embellishments have been tactlessly tacked on as if purely to placate the country audience. But, in the end, it’s catchy, sweetly endearing and you’ll be singing along merrily. If you want another fill of the good stuff, put on Fearless, which is just a little less catchy but with a better guitar solo.

4. Ronan

Little known, not on any albums and barely performed live – to date it’s only been aired twice, with the first version live on a Stand Up to Cancer telethon the one to listen to – Ronan perhaps seems a unlikely entry on the list, but it stands the Swift song that aches the most, and is unlike anything else she’s written. Over the chime of trembling guitar chords, she sings as the voice of Maya Thompson, a mother who lost her four-year-old Ronan to cancer. Written after reading Thompson’s blog, Swift articulates the unsteady, insistent rhythm of grief with painful clarity. In the end, like in life, the loss stings the sharpest in the little things. “And it’s about to be Halloween, you could be anything you wanted” she sings, her voice shaking and her eyes glassy with tears, “If you were still here.”

3. Out Of The Woods

Like the heartbroken logic in All You Had To Do Was Stay (the song Ryan Adams’ did best on his mixed 1989 cover album), it’s the naivety in this one that makes it so damned sad. Jack Antonoff produced a piece of driving rock dressed up as radio-pop, the stuttering drums and Blade Runner synths casting shadows over everything, the choir on the chorus giving it enough size to fill stadiums. It’s one for anyone who’s been wrapped up in a love that’s left them shaky with the uncertainty of it all, who’s gone to sleep and woken up with the same thought, of praying they’re getting as much love as they’re giving.

2. Style

Like a designer parading a new collection down the runway, Swift showcased her new direction perfectly on this aptly titled track. Pulsating synths drive the verses along before a huge sing-along chorus kicks in, marking a dramatic change from her guitar-led earlier compositions. It’s a formula that Swift would return to time and time again in her later work, not least on the similar Getaway Car from 2017 album reputation. The song remains a highlight at Swift’s live shows — after all, pop hooks as good as this will never go out of style.

1. All Too Well

Everyone jokes about the lost scarf, but this is Swift’s most sincere tale of heartbreak and is heartbreaking itself. Though it takes a handful of listens at least to ‘get’ this track, it’s worn out and weary and the hurt goes deep. Swift says it was one of the hardest to write, and it’s one of the hardest to listen to; she sounds like she’s singing right from the bones and it’s searingly, uncomfortably intimate. Having it on doesn’t feel so much like listening as eavesdropping: other ruminations in her back catalogue are broader, relatable, but here we’re hearing her specific turmoil. Nowhere else on record does she sound as cut up the way she does halfway through this one – Jake Gyllenhaal, you realise, really broke her heart.

Plenty of Swift songs are overwrought, but the drama here is sincere: her voice trembles with pain, and the song, which starts sparse, swells and hardens up like a lump in the throat. It’s little surprise the original cut was 10 minutes long; the song is cinematic, with a touch of Raymond Carver in the sparse, classically American lyrics: “'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night/We’re dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light”.

When she gets to end of it, there are lines that induce a wince: “You call me up again just to break me like a promise/So casually cruel in the name of being honest” she says. Then you hear her lost to her heartbreak: “Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it/I’d like to be my old self again/But I’m still trying to find it”. Love – especially when it cools – changes everything.

#this list is a mess #lol

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spitestudies · 7 years ago

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hello everyone!! as a high school junior taking 4 aps, 3 other classes, preparing for the act, trying to do college research, stage managing a musical, and trying not to lose my mind, here are some fun n handy tips for not Dying when ur schedule is hell!

if you found this post helpful maybe give it a like/reblog and check out my other posts here!

01 | PLANNING AND PREPARING

so much of getting and staying organized has to do with organizing your time in advance. there are a million ways to do this--google calendar, a bullet journal, a planner, some post-it notes. my system involves three parts: a google calendar, a planner, and an online to-do list app.

google calendar: this is mostly for events. i can see when i have rehearsals, classes, doctor’s appointments, etc. this helps me see how much available time i have and budgeting it properly.

planner: i take this with me to school, and i use it to right down when i have assignments and tests. i use the ban.do planner, but these are a bit pricey, and really anything will do. just somewhere to put down tasks so you can keep track of them

getplan.co: this app is, honest to god, the only reason i am still alive and breathing. it plugs into your google calendar and then allows you to create and schedule tasks around events. @studycxlture has an amazing post about plan here that i def recommend checking out!

general tips about planning:

plan out the events of your month at least two days before it starts

set aside a night (i like sunday evenings) to set up a system for the upcoming week and go over what you have planned so you don’t forget anything

you are NOT gonna remember that assignment that teacher told you about. write it down.

you do not need a fancy system. it’s okay to try lots of different things until you find what works

never spend more time planning out tasks than completing them. unless you have that much free time, don’t dedicate two hours to making a lovely weekly bullet journal spread.

color codes!!! are a life saver. i have one with a color for each class (red for english, orange for spanish, yellow for history, green for science, blue for math, etc) as well as some for my extracurriculars (pink for the musical, teal for model un, etc).

always have ur planner open when ur working, so that you can make sure u r actually completing all the tasks u said u were gonna complete

02 | STAYING ORGANIZED

oh my god oh my god oh my god staying on top of your work is SO important when you’re busy. being able to find your worksheets and keep track of your homework and your million responsibilities is essential to being successful. to stay organized, i have an expandable file folder with tabs for each class. because i take most of my notes in notebooks instead of binders, this is a good way to keep all of my handouts, worksheets, and syllabi centralized.

also, make sure you have a way to keep your online materials organized. create a folder for each school year, and within that folder, create more folders for each class. from there, it’s up to you about how you’ll organize files. you can create even MORE folders (yeet) for things like homework, notes, study guides, etc, or folders for each unit you study. the possibilities are endless!!!! isn’t technology exciting

here r some pieces of advice for staying organized:

have a series of folders/binder/expandable file folder to hold your worksheets. or one for each class, though i prefer to keep all my papers in one a) to save money and b) to save space.

label your notebooks/binders so that you know which ones to bring home with you

never just shove something into your backpack. never. i’m gonna manifest into ur classroom and FIGHT you if u do that. it’s not good, it’ll end up getting lost or crushed under the weight of all ur textbooks, and you’ll end up panicking when u can’t find it

have ur planner on u at all times

keep a good filing system of ur stuff at home. u don’t need to carry around every single bio assignment you’ve gotten back, but by the time ur final rolls around ur gonna want 2 b able to look at all the materials you’ve gotten during the semester

that being said, throw stuff away when the year is over! i, for one, know i’m never gonna think about calculus after this class is done, so i will be recycling all of my papers (save the earth) and moving tf on

keep a recycling bin in your room! even if it’s just a paper bag, it’ll make throwing paper in the trash way less tempting (save the earth)

u don’t need a ton of pens. i’m being a giant hypocrite saying this but you really don’t need all that stuff. if you want it and you can manage it, great, but if it’s just another thing to keep track of, leave ur staedtlers and ur mujis and ur fineliners and ur calligraphy pens at home, and just take the essentials with u to school

03 | MAKING THE MOST OF UR TIME

in order to succeed, it’s v important to make every second count. this doesn’t mean studying 48 hours straight (pls don’t), but try not to waste time. whether this means you spend fifteen minutes napping, doing some reading for english, or having a quick snack, make sure u are being productive and healthy! i, for one, sometimes have 1-2 hour breaks between school and rehearsal, and i like to use these to walk to the grocery store by my school and get some food and then study in the deli.

some ideas for being productive!

carry a clipboard around everywhere. this way, u don’t need to spend as much time transitioning in and out of tasks, u can just put ur work onto the clipboard, and put it in ur backpack at the end of a break, and then the next chance u have to work on it, just take it back out. easy peasy

work during commutes! nOT if ur the one driving the car though that’s VERY dangerous and distracted driving = bad. but if ur on the bus, or ur mom is driving u to school, that might be a good time to go over some notes you took last night, or some reading you need to catch up on. nothing too insane, please don’t do ur chem labs on the public bus but. u know.

read over the notes you took that day on the ride home. this will help reinforce the information in ur brain, and it’s not super difficult. i go over my apush notes during the 40 minute drive home and sometimes talk about them w my mom, which gives me a much better grasp of the material

don’t waste time on social media. either delete instagram altogether, or log off/mute notifications before u start work. same with tumblr. don’t start scrolling obsessively if u have three tests to study for.

power naps!!!! napping for about 10-20 minutes, maybe on the way home or to practice/rehearsal/whatever u gotta do, can help u feel refreshed! anything longer will make u more tired tho, so be sure to get up when u say ur gonna get up.

study smarter: when ur going over material, u don’t need to handwrite 60 beautiful flashcards. use quizlet instead. don’t revise if it’s not gonna help u. prioritize which assignments r gonna be most impactful over the little ones u can easily make up

take good breaks!! breaks r VERY important and should be utilized properly. here r some good suggestions for things to do:

throw in a load of laundry

empty the dishwasher

stretch/do some jumping jacks

drink some water!

go for a walk

talk to a family member

get a snack!

read some fun novels n such

scream?

!! in case of emergency !! the following tips should only be employed when ur short on time. don’t use these just bc u can, this is just when it’s about getting close enough to grasping material, not actually grasping it

do every other math problem assigned, and either star the ones u didn’t do, or get the answers from the back of the book. this way, u get some practice but u also save time

sparknotes ur reading beforehand. this way, u can recognize what’s going on. it’s not v good for developing ur reading comprehension, but assignments will go by quicker

NEVER google translate ur language homework, but u can use word reference for helping u find the right word and proper conjugations

flagpole it: didn’t study enough for a test? are u guessing on like 10 of the questions? if it’s multiple choice, but the same answer for all the ones u have no clue about, unless that answer choice seems highly unlikely. then pick a different one. this way, ur statistically more likely to get some of the ones you guessed correct.

when u have an online assignment due at midnight and it’s 11:53 and u haven’t started, find another assignment you’ve already completed that has a similar document name. for example, “scarlet letter chapters 9-11″ instead of ur actual assignment “scarlet letter chapters 12-14″. submit the other one, and then when u finish the other assignment (either that night or the next morning) email ur teacher and apologize, say u accidentally submitted the wrong document

if ur parents will let u (if ur in high school) or u can let urself (if ur in uni), it’s okay to skip a day to catch up. just make sure u actually work, get the notes u missed, and talk to ur teachers/professors abt the material u missed.

04 | STAYING HEALTHY

ur health comes before any assignment, test, or extracurricular. i know lots of ppl r probably telling u that and it doesn’t seem like they mean it, but i mean it. no exam is worth sacrificing ur mental, physical, or emotional health for. yeet! so here r some things to keep in mind

eat! ur fuckin! breakfast! whether it’s a smoothie or oatmeal or a cup of orange juice or an apple or an elaborate french toast dish, u need some food in ur stomach so that u have the energy to start ur day

remember to take ur meds if u need to!

drink water! drink! water! have a glass when u wake up, and then at least one with every meal, and one before u go to bed. hydration is v important. if u can, invest in a water bottle and take it with u to class.

pack a lunch! and if ur staying later after school, pack snacks! tech week for me is always hell because i get to school at 7:30 am and don’t usually leave until 11 that night. it’s v important to stay nourished and hydrated so that u don’t get dizzy or faint.

remember! that u are beautiful, and ur body is beautiful, and it deserves 2 b loved! especially by u.

get 6 hours of sleep. aim for 8, but six at the very least. if ur done with ur work, go to bed early! don’t just stay up for no reason.

shower everyday, or every other day at least. give yourself those 15 minutes as a break from work or school or anything else that’s keeping you busy

write down ur thoughts in a journal?

talk to a friend if ur feeling sad, or just feeling things very intensely. share ur joy with other people! vent ur sadness and anger so u aren’t carrying it around everywhere.

make some time to have fun. see a movie w ur friends or ur bf/gf/datefriend or ur family over the weekend. go to a museum. hang out at the mall. sleepover at someone’s house. taking breaks is healthy.

make an effort to have dinner with ur family if u can (also if u like ur family. i know some ppl have bad relationships w them so skip this step if that’s u). it can be nice to reconnect w everyone, even when ur stressed or they’re annoying u, it can be nice.

remember that it’s okay to be imperfect! u don’t need to be good at a lot of things. i got a b for the first time last semester, i just got a c on an apush test, i failed my driver’s test again yesterday. but i also aced my math quiz, i celebrated six months of knowing my best friend, i walked my dog, i helped put a production together. it’s okay to have rough days and bad days and bleh days, as long as you keep pushing through them and working for the days to get better.

i love u!!! stay hydrated and nourished and get enough sleep. put on some lotion if u have it available. brush ur hair. if u ever wanna ask a question, my ask box is always open! <3

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kokichi-and-co-imagine-blog · 7 years ago

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How about this: Mods choose the angst and characters for this one! No hand holding or prompt, just pure mods angst.

Heed the crying Ouma, angst ahead.

Mod Nagito makes an entrance!!

-Hajime hasn’t been the same

-Ever since he came back, he’s lost the light

-that light of hope

-He doesn’t even let me touch him..

-Unless….

-He wakes up in the middle of the night either screaming or crying

-Sometimes I find him curled up in the fetal position in the corner of the room shivering

-I wrap my arms around and and try to get him to understand he’s finally safe

-he doesn’t want to leave my side

-If I exit a room he’ll follow me

-Loud noises even make him freak out

-My poor Hajime….

-What happened to you…..?

-Who would be so full of malice that they would hurt you …?

-He’s eating a little more everyday though

-When he was found, Hajime was so sickly looking…

-Now he’s slowly regaining his colour

-But his eyes…

-I want to bring the light back to them….

Modokuma and the Yeti

Ah, I understand. I’m probably heading to the Animal Kingdom soon, so I’ll try to join later. I have a FastPass for Expedition Everest today.

Soon. Soon I will meet the Disco Yeti.

We’ll lock eyes, a surge of passion flowing between the two of us, leading to a complicated tragic love story which ends in nothing but tragedy…

For him.

As I will have murdered him in cold blood for all his prized possessions.

No one will miss him, not after all the innocent people he’s plagued, whether it was due to misunderstandings or not.

Not even I will miss him.

Especially when he starts to haunt my dreams at night, the guilt driving me to the ends of my sanity.

Eventually, even my beautiful black fur starts to become patchy and turn white from the fear and stress.

Before I know it…

I have become the new yeti.

Is this what happened to the first one?

Is he even the first one?

It matters no more, as now I can’t even speak in that old, adorable voice of mine.

All my cries for help only produce a despair of which I cannot even enjoy.

This is a Hell I’ll never be able to escape.

(no wonder we love modokuma.)

Asahina tries her hand at Poetry

I wanted to take a page off of Fukawa’s book and do a little bit or writing. The thing is that i am bad at making long and amazing text so i did the next best thing and did haikus based off my time at hope’s peak academy:

Chapter 1:This school is the worst. Monokuma’s such a tool. I miss swimming pools.

Chapter 2: Oh My God She’s Dead.Never mind it is a he.I miss Krispy Kreme.

Chapter 3: Trying to stay calm.Robo hero looks so cool.Robo killed them all.

Chapter 4: Chilling with my friend.No no no no no she’s dead.I WILL KILL YOU ALL.

Chapter 5: Who the fuck is she?This case is unsolvable.Bye bye makoto.

Chapter 6: Time to end this game.All we need is hope to live.Time to leave this school.

Mod Kokichi’s contribution, AKA I’m in my element.

Kokichi found himself looking around, remembering the voices from before he found himself in the game.

That’s right, this was all just a game. He knew that to the people around him, he was nothing more than a pawn in their game. He was just a small, meaningless ripple in their fabric that could just as easily get erased.

He stood underneath the streetlight, shivering violently. He felt a breeze go down his back, and he couldn’t help but wonder if he had any reason to be here.

He laughed darkly as he kicked a pebble. He moved to the edge of a cliff. He calmly sat down on the edge, holding himself as he remembered the faces that seemed to blur as he stood on the subway. They seemed to glow and merge together, and he couldn’t help but wonder if they were laughing or talking about him. He wished he could banish everything that was haunting him away, pulling at strands of his purple hair while he continued to laugh, abandoning the pebble.

It would be so easy to just push himself off the edge and just become another statistic people would spread on social media. He could just be labeled as another soul lost to their own thoughts and fallen into something beyond despair. He thought about if he was ready to do something so insanely drastic. He turned his back away from the edge, closing his eyes.

“Wait, Kokichi!” A voice called. He opened one eye to see an all-too-familiar detective running up to him. He figured that Shuichi would’ve been hot on his tracks, but didn’t realize he would get a chance to talk Kokichi down. Annoyed at his own miscalculations, he sighed as he shook his head slowly, holding his hands out as if he had nothing to offer.

“Wow, I didn’t realize detectives were this persistent on finding people. Maybe I shouldn’t have underestimated you, Shuichi. It was silly of me.” His trademarked grin spread maliciously as he looked toward the detective. He was wearing his hat again, but only out of the comfort it brought him, not so much due to the same insecurities that had once controlled him entirely. Kokichi had seen Shuichi grow as a person, yet he still had some of the same setbacks he had when they first met. He often doubted his own deductions after an incident with someone close, and his eyes betrayed how close he felt the truth was. Thinking about it, Kokichi thought that, in a way, detectives were also liars. They all seemed to act neutral to death and look for clues as though it were just a simulation. Shuichi, however, was different. The fear and sadness in his eyes would flash the first time he saw the victim, and he would always ask about the victim to know them beforehand.

He probably didn’t think he would firsthand see someone die right before his eyes, Kokichi thought. He half-regretted this being their reunion after so long- after all the breadcrumbs he had left behind, half hoping that he would figure out that Kokichi just needed Shuichi to find him. Before it was too late.

“So, Kokichi, are you going to tell me the method to your madness this time? Or are you just going to stand there and give me this… deer in the headlights look you have?” Shuichi asked, taking a step towards him. Kokichi took a step back, only to remember that if he moves any further, he’d fall. He quickly looked down and back at Shuichi, putting his hands out in front of him.

“DON’T COME ANY CLOSER!” He yelled, wincing at the sound of his own voice echoing. Shuichi stopped, wide-eyed as he kept his eyes on the smaller boy. “Get any closer, and I’ll… I’ll jump! And that’s not a lie!” He felt himself stiffen at his own words, not sure what Shuichi would do. The blue-haired boy looked worried before nodding, and sitting on the ground far away. Kokichi looked confused, but saw Shuichi pat the ground.

“Then, uh… can you at least sit? You don’t have to move yet, but sitting and talking seems okay. That way I… I don’t get close to you, and you don’t, uh…” Shuichi cleared his throat and quickly wiped a hand over his eyes. Kokichi didn’t want to believe that it was possible that Shuichi was crying over him. He slowly loosened his body up before letting himself sit in the dirt that would inevitably get his clothes stained. At least he wasn’t planning on having to wash them anyways.

Curiously, he watched as Shuichi sighed, patiently waiting for Kokichi to talk a he sat criss-cross in the dirt, his eyes fixated on him. The eyes reminded him of those that had stared him down before striking him into the floor, usually accompanied with laughter of some sort. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing all at him. He felt himself reach for his hair and pull, making Shuichi look like he was ready to bolt to grab him.

“A-are you okay, Kokichi?” He asked in a slow yet intense voice.

“What do you think. You’re the fucking detective, aren’t you,” Kokichi said calmly as he gently caressed some of his own hair. If he focused on the texture of the follicles, maybe he wouldn’t have to see how hurt Shuichi would be by that comment.

“Of course I am, but I think maybe you should say it all yourself. You always were steps ahead of me before, so this shouldn’t be any different. I can wait, you know. We have time.”

Time, Kokichi pondered.Did they really have the time that Shuichi claimed they had? Was this just his way of stalling in hopes of talking him out of his plan? While he knew that was definitely it, he humored the detective, scooting slightly further from the edge.

“Oh, so you noticed. Yeah, you’re right.” Kokichi sighed as he dropped his hand from his hair and looked at Shuichi with an unfitting playful glance. “I always knew before you did. Isn’t that how our dynamic always was? You, the sweet and innocent detective who was afraid to get his hands dirty, and yours truly, the dastardly menace who went out of their way to get the clues so you didn’t have to? That’s as close as we ever got to being friends.”

Shuichi felt the sting behind his words, and bit his lip. He had never really thought of Kokichi as someone who was helping him, but that didn’t stop him from believing that they were friends. So why? Why was he hurting like this without telling Shuichi? He took the time to take out a folded piece of paper that had a sort of will written on it, and put it up where he knew Kokichi would see it. Almost guiltily, the purple-haired boy swung his head the other way, realizing what it was.

“I found this, and I… I’m sorry, but I read it. It was the only way to know for sure this was what you were doing. And I… I didn’t know you felt like this.” Shuichi admitted, feeling horrible. He didn’t expect Kokichi to be hurting the way he said in the note. He didn’t expect that this was something he was raised to do.

He didn’t expect that telling Kokichi he was alone and always would be would be in a suicide note he found.

“Oh, that thing? It’s nothing. I think you should reconsider everything you read. Who knows? I could’ve just been lying, like you always say I do.”

“Have you ever considered that maybe I was so hurt by your lies because I loved you! I loved you, you asshat!” Shuichi raised his voice, causin Kokichi to scramble to his feet. He could hear the screaming that filled his house before he had to find a new family in a group he could trust. He could hear the seething rage as his father threw a glass to the floor, yelling that they should have just sent their son into adoption. It took a moment before the words Shuichi actually sunk in, and he stood still, looking down.

“Liar.”

“What?”

“I said… YOU’RE A LIAR!” Kokichi screamed, whipping his head up to show angry tears streaming down his face. He wished there had been some rain to cover them up as nothing more than tracks left by droplets from the sky, but he had no such luck.”YOU NEVER LOVED ME. NO ONE DID!” His shoulders shook as he lowered his head back down along with his voice. “No one did.” A dirty sleeve went over his eyes as he tried to wipe away some of the tears that had sprung out from him, and he looked away. Shuichi slowly stood up, debating on walking over to Kokichi.

“How would you know that?” Shuichi asked cautiously. He had been telling the truth, and he was curious as to why Kokichi was calling him out on a lie that didn’t exist. He had always been scarily good at knowing what was true and what was a lie. This shouldn’t have been an exception. “You know I’m telling you the truth.” Shuichi continued, looking at the letter he had brought out. Kokichi looked up at him with puffy eyes, trying to read for some hidden malice he wouldn’t find.

“Come here then.”

Shuichi walked up to Kokichi slowly as to not disturb him. Kokichi had never been so open about what he felt before, and he was wondering if he’d finally get to embrace him the way he wanted to from the beginning. He stopped inches away from Kokichi without touching him. The Ultimate Supreme Leader scanned him up and down before gently putting a palm on Shuichi’s face. His skin was so warm, and his eyes were just on him. He wanted nothing but the best for Kokichi, and every inch of him was screaming that. His hands fidgeted as he was about to raise a hand to touch Kokichi, but never got the chance.

“You’ll thank me for this, Saihara. You’ll thank me.”

With that, he pushed Shuichi away and held his arms out like wings, once again close to the edge. Before Shuichi could reach him, Kokichi Ouma had fallen too far to be saved.

He was gone.

And, to Shuichi, it was all his fault.

((Mod Kirigiri: Apologies for the delay, but I’ve had to stay in a hotel fro the past few days with spotty-at-best wifi. I chose to do this on Maizono, as she hasn’t gotten much attention on this blog, and she’s a somewhat fascinating character to me… And it totally isn’t part of some other project I’m not sure if I’m gonna go through with yet, nope))

Pain…

Cold…

Regret…

Those three things were all Sayaka could feel as her body slumped against the bathroom wall. The chill of the tile encompassed her, yet she did not shiver. She had no strength for it.

She took another ragged breath as more blood seeped from her wound.

“I shouldn’t have done this…”

Another gasp for air.

“I deserve this…”

Another chill went down her spine. Black dots started to cloud her vision; the lights suddenly seemed much darker than they had a few minutes ago. She felt the overwhelming urge to cry but simultaneously had no energy to do so, so she didn’t. Rather, she sat there, drawing in what little air she could, knowing that one of those labored breaths was soon to be her last one. Her eyes trailed up onto her attacker—the one who was supposed to have been her victim.

Leon was looking down at her, skin whiter than snow, a horrified expression with his mouth twitching, and his shirt splattered in blood—her blood, not just the design on his shirt anymore. He was saying something, muttering in a panic probably. She wasn’t sure, she couldn’t hear him anymore. His expression frantic, Leon ran a hand through his hair, looked around the bathroom, looked down at himself, then took off back into the bedroom, leaving the door only half closed behind him, and leaving her to her own demise in solitude.

It was fair, she supposed. She never should have come up with this plan in the first place. Grabbing the knife, tricking Naegi into swapping rooms, the plan to frame him, calling for Leon, none of it should’ve happened. And in the end, none of her steps mattered anyway; she couldn’t follow through, she had hesitated when the time came for action, and now she was to die for it.

“Naegi…” She let out a gasp at the thought of him.

Naegi, who trusted her.

Naegi, who had supported her.

Naegi, who had promised to get everyone out alive.

She had betrayed him. He was so kind and sweet and optimistic, and she had taken advantage of that. She was so ready to kill, so ready to blame Naegi, let him take the fall, all so she could get and leave the game behind; she thought she’d beaten the game. But ultimately, she’d fallen victim to it exactly as Monokuma had wanted her to.

That damn bear. It was all because of that stupid bear…

Even in her weakened, dying state, the thought of that two-toned bear sent a hot surge of anger flaring through her. Her unbroken hand clenched and shook with a fury she didn’t know she still had in her.

“I have… to do… something…!” With a great amount of effort, she was finally able to force herself to raise her head. A breathy groan escaped from her lips as she did so, the lights suddenly seeming so blinding to her rapidly fading vision. She squinted at the harsh lights, then moved to observe the room.

She had to help Naegi. It was the least she could do for him after everything she’d tried. But what could she do? She was bleeding out. Her time was limited; it needed to be clear, but something she could do quickly.

“Ngh…” An attempt to move was met only with more pain as the knife embedded in her moved with her. Another line of blood streamed out of her wound. She winced again at the reminder of her imminent death.

Was there anything within her reach, something she could use to leave a clear message as to her did her in? She tried to lift her head to look again, but found that even that task had become too difficult.

There was nothing around that would be useful. The bathrooms in all of the dorms were barebones, holding only a few hygiene products they needed. The shower head hung by her side, easily grabbable if she chose to. But what use would that have? It would only waste her fading strength faster. The only thing that was arounder her in excess was her…

Her own blood…

“My… blood!” Her eyes widened slightly as the idea popped in her head. Her blood was everywhere, staining the walls, filling into the cracks between the tiles and beginning to pool underneath her. It was a grisly sight she knew, but it would do just fine. This was her only chance to clear Naegi’s name.

Her blood would serve as the ink for her last message to Naegi, her apology of sorts to him.

With a quickly fading strength, Sayaka reached her unbroken hand down, fingers outstretched, and gathered some of her own blood. She suppressed the urge to cringe at the feeling of it, the coppery sent wafting into her nose and sending more chills through her body. Slowly, she began to write her message. She had to be careful; if the message was unclear, then it would all be for naught.

L…

Her fingers moved smoothly as she painted the first letter. The tile felt cold under her shaking fingers.

E…

None of this absolved her of her attempted crime, she was well aware of that fact. Leon would no doubt latch onto accusing the suspect she’d created in Naegi just to save himself from being caught.

O…

But this was all she could do now. She was dying, she could blame no one but herself for that fact.

N…

Her task completed, her arm went limp, fingers uncurled, and a feeling of tiredness washed over her. Even keeping her eyes open was becoming a struggle. She let them shut, no longer able to fight. Her time was close.

In her final moments, her mind wandered on her past memories. It went to her friends and the many moments she’d shared with them. Their first recording, the release of their first album, touring, so many fond moments to recollect on. They were the girls she’d worked so hard with for her dream, the ones who’s supposed demises inspired her to participate in this sickening game. She had to wonder though, were they really dead? Was she about to meet up with them in whatever afterlife or fate awaited her after her death, or was it all just a lie? She wasn’t sure which answer she preferred.

There were just so many unanswered questions. Who was sick enough to orchestrate this kind of game; who was Monokuma’s puppeteer? Why was Hope’s Peak chosen as the playing grounds and why was she and her classmates the ones to play it? Did anyone on the outside know about their situation? Did help try to save them? Was she just a fool for believing Monokuma’s lies? (She had a feeling she could already answer that one)

So many questions, and yet she’d never know the answer to any of them.

A new burst of pain made her already labored breaths near impossible. She let out her final wince as her head fell back against the wall. Everything felt so heavy, she just wanted to go to sleep. With one last gasp for air, she let a white take over her vision, despite her eyes still being closed. Her body fell limp against the wall, the color fading from her face.

And Sayaka Maizono, the Ultimate Pop Sensation, would never move again.

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