#and then there is the guilt when I let an NPC die and there is Jaheira standing there with me

[commander-krios]

Does anyone else feel guilty when an NPC dies in a fight or it just me? Like, when they are fighting alongside your character and they die, and you reload because that isn’t allowed to happen. And I don’t just mean important NPCs that have side quests. I mean, random Fist #5 who has no dialogue other than in battle or to thank you after.

[gatheredfates]

Kor and Minfilia for the NPC ask game!

Have your followers send you NPCs and you describe your OC's feelings/relationship to that NPC! I was sent Minfilia three times! This ask and two from @sayonaramidnight and @hythlodaes. Frankly, I think you all just want to hurt me because I do have a lot of thoughts about Kor / Minfilia. There's a trigger warning here for suicidal ideation / planning; please proceed with caution.

Kor loved Minfilia. She never got to tell her that.

It's a guilt nestled deep in her breastbone, not as keen as her sister's but no less pronounced; it echoes in the laughter of her friends, the quiet of a late-night hour and wherever the wild roses bloom. She loved her so keenly, the first person she really opened up to after her Lily died, and she lost her just as quickly.

I've written about it before, but Kor never saw her Echo as a gift. She never wanted to be a Scion, let alone a Warrior of Light, and always viewed the responsibilities as burden she bore because Hydaelyn was absurd enough to give it a woman who wanted to die. When she met Y'shtola and the other Scions she had just backed out of trying to throw herself down down to the cliffs beneath La Noscea, and she recklessly abandoned her station under the belief she would join the crew long enough to learn as much as she could about the Echo — to undermine it — then take herself out.

In waking there was only apathy, and her nights were full of nightmares.

But Minfilia? Minfilia was good. Far kinder than Kor deserved, and she knew it. She stood in the Sands while this ratty Captain waltzed through her door, reputation preceding her — all jagged edges and gnashing teeth — and accepted her all the same. She took her hand despite knowing the wolf could bite and said to her, "I validate your anger. What happened to you wasn't fair."

Minfilia always believed in Hydaelyn's light, which was always a point of contention between them, but she never pressured Kor to do more than what she wanted. If she wanted to walk away and abandon the Scions, that was her right. If she questioned her leadership or balked against her judgement, she would allow her — but she was always patient in explaining her reasonings and reconciling Kor's anger. She was allowed to feel like the Echo was a burden, she was allowed her anger and her grief. Minfilia also had the Echo, but she was not so naïve as to think it was a gift for everyone, and she would not shackle Kor to it no matter how much the realm might need her.

Kor only knew leadership through two lenses: fear or duty. She was respected as a Captain because balanced the weights of tough and fair, yet she believed her crew only followed her because they had limited choice. Minfilia taught her that it was possible to lead through kindness.

To lead through love.

There were many nights spent in the quiet of The Solar, quiet hours in the din. With drink in hand the two women would simply talk. Of duty, yes. But also about how they felt about the world and their places in it. Minfilia would get so passionate talking about her hopes for Eorzea and it nearly made Kor believe in it too.

Because she loved her. Not like a lover, but in the way a soul reaches out to another and says 'oh, I know you'. In the way Minfilia could ask Kor to die for Eorzea and she'd answer "How? By your blade or mine?"

Yet she believed in Hydaelyn's light. That was always a point of contention between them. When she called Minfilia answered, and Kor was left behind.

She was a confidant the woman needed, taken from her all too soon. But the lessons she gave her Kor did not forget, and they were the foundational point for her loyalty to the Scions.

I love you, I love you, I love you. You deserve to love too, Kor. You deserve to know love.

[oplishin]

what are your thoughts on patho 2 re race

i don't think you were looking for such a long response but uhhh you're getting one!!!!! smarter people have discussed this better, but i have a lot of feelings.

the good:

the broad strokes of artemy's relationship to his race: everytime i have replayed p2, i find myself surprised by how much artemy's angst resonates with me. he can fit into the broader, white culture of the Town, but that acceptance is always conditional. his friends have this "you're not like them" attitude, or they're just outright racist to him. they hate his people but like him. He's also not accepted by the Kin- he's spent too much time both in the Town and outside of it. the way elders in the community chide him is too real, haha. artemy discovering that the cultural practices he ran away from in his youth actually really, really matter to his identity is a feeling i find uhhh really relatable!!! this aspect of p2 just rings really emotionally true.

i like the way (some of) the racism is written: vlad jr is obsessed with learning about the culture of the Kin, he's even gained some trust with them, but wow, he does not give a shit about them when it comes down to it. they're an object of study to him, artifacts to collect, not actually people. andrey takes the cultural art of twyre tinctures and uses it to make a profit and to get really high. he keeps a dancing herb bride in his bar as entertainment. rubin's deal feels similar, he's learning kin traditions because of his weird weird relationship with isidor, but he hates the people. i like that foreman oyun sells out his culture, and that he hates himself so much for it.

okay. it's only downhill from here.

the bad. there's a lot:

the endings

i think the endings are cynical to the point of being unnuanced and un-interesting. the tragic mulatto trope played as straight as possible to a comically extreme degree. either almost every NPC you've met dies, or you destroy the remnants of your indigenous culture. it's just. i don't know. it wouldn't be very pathologic for this to have an actual magical solution- there isn't a magical solution in real life, the status quo just churns onward, and indigenous bodies and lives are discounted. i don't know. i don't know!

i hate that the game presents the diurnal ending as better than the nocturnal one. this is the part where my faulty memory is troublesome- i may be getting the way the fandom treats the endings mixed up with the way the game does. sorry if that's the case! the diurnal ending is bright, the town you've spent so much time saving is safe at last, all your children and friends are rebuilding their lives in interesting ways that you get to take part in. but it's fucking disgusting! the bodies and lives and culture of indigenous people are utterly discounted. this includes artemy, who's doomed to forever try to fit into white society, to never be able to pass on his cultural traditions, who just has to let himself die. the only person who mourns is a dying Aspity, who was one of the last people to carry on and teach tradition anyways. it's terrible.

i,, honestly do not remember much of the nocturnal ending, and a lot of went over my head when i played it. the majority of people read the nocturnal ending as "the bad ending"- all your friends die. and even though they're all super racist, you care about them, probably.

whyyyyyy are the indigenous characters written Like That????

it is fucking embarrassing that 26/29 of the Bound are white. i cannot believe this did not change with 14 years of hindsight post p1. well, the game did add nara, and she deserves her own paragraph!!!! wow, lucky her!!!!!!!!! the kin are so fucking underrepresented within the major characters. the white characters are given complex, differing perspectives about the nature of government, spirituality, morality and guilt. pathologic 2 writes the Kin as a mystical, esoteric hivemind. the non-diversity in the perspectives within the Kin was always something that bothered me, even when I was 15. They do not feel like a real, breathing living group of people. minority groups are not monoliths. i think the game wants to represent them as a collectivist culture, but is too racist to know that people within collectivist cultures uhhh have opinions about things.

p2's racism is just slightly more subtle than p1's, to the point where my stupid fucking 15 year old self didn't pick up on it as much. but god, it also asks the incredible question "what if racist stereotypes were true? wouldn't that sort of justify mass genocide? isn't the diurnal ending just as valid as the nocturnal ending?"

so much justification for the white characters' racism within the fandom comes from "but the indigenous characters did [x] bad thing! but their culture is misogynist!" which 1) fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you 2) someone made the active choice to write the indigenous characters like this. now why would they do this??

the misogyny

god i fucking hate the herb brides. i know that the fandom has tried to reclaim them in interesting ways. i just really cannot. why are these dancers all soft and curvy in the correct ways? why do their clothes fall off to look like they're wearing raggedy skimpy swimsuits? why are gamers soooo horny?? i'm. i cannot! i can't. this game has an asian women fetish. no thanks!

this brings me to the nara thing, which, okay. i'm about to get really mean!!! nara is this demure, docile, exotically sexy lady who's totally cool with giving up her agency artemy and being killed by him because the game has deemed it necessary. sorry, i do not care abotu the diegetic reasons for this. there's a dream sequence where her sexy sillohuette dances in the void. why? this game has a misogyny problem! and a yellow fever problem!! so much of her dialogue is dedicated to "ohhh i'm trying to make you less uncomfortable with this, artemy :(. i'm indifferent i promise :((" she doesn't protest in her death, she just says lore at the player. i'm not happy. i find the attempts to reclaim her in fandom admirable, i'm just. disgusted! by all of it! this game owes me reparations.

[xf-cases-solved]

S1E22: Born Again

Case: In an episode I always get mixed up with Shadows (Shadows is better)—and one that David Duchovny is quoted as "detesting"—a little girl, Michelle, is found outside alone on the streets of Buffalo, NY, when she gets picked up by a cop and taken back to the station. While there, two detectives, Lazard (which I keep wanting to spell as Lizard) and Barbala interview her. Lazard leaves the room briefly, and in that time, Barbala gets launched through the window and gets pancaked onto the ground. The sanest assumption is that Barbala chose that moment to commit suicide, which still doesn't make any sense, but there's no way anyone else could have gotten inside without Lazard noticing, and Michelle couldn't have done it, bc she's just a little girl... right??

Hence the X-File. Mulder and Scully, and their team of deeply, deeply New York-sounding episode NPCs work together to figure out who killed Barbala. But as another bizarre death occurs, and weird coincidences start to pile up, Mulder starts to suspect that Michelle might be experiencing memories from a past life, as is the conclusion any sane and rational person would immediately jump to. 

A therapist has a cabinet full of unsettling, mutilated dolls; Mulder finally convinces someone to let him use hypnosis as a detective's tool, but then is denied a second time when he tries to push his luck; magic procedural cop show photo editing provides convenient evidence; and Michelle's mom just wants her daughter to be less creepy. (In her defense, her daughter is legit kinda creepy. X-Files kids are always fucking creepy.)

Does someone die in the cold open: Yes. Concrete pancake with a side of bacon.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: No, he's still recovering from the shame from last episode. (Jk, Mulder doesn't feel shame. Well. At least not about stuff like that. Shame and guilt about who he is as a person and the impact he has on the people he loves? That, he has in abundance, but that's neither here nor there.)

Does the evidence survive the investigation: Ig, but none of it was particularly good evidence to begin with.

Whodunit: A dead guy avenging his death by channeling himself through a creepy little girl using telekinesis. Probably.

Convictions: The one guy who doesn't die gets arrested for murdering Charlie Morris, AKA, who Michelle was in a past life or something.

Did they solve it: Maybe. The murder of Charlie Morris is solved, but that wasn't what they were investigating. They were investigating Barbala's death, and while Mulder and Scully but mostly Mulder can speculate on whether or not Michelle killed him (and if so, then how?), they have no definitive proof. (Also, cherry on top, Scully literally calls the status of the case "unexplained" at the end of the episode, so she agrees with me.) 

[how do i determine if a case is solved? check the scale here: x]

THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Learning a new skill from a past life. Have you ever wanted to pick up painting or drawing? Maybe sculpting, or perhaps knitting has caught your interest. Have you ever wanted to learn the art of Japanese paper folding? Sometimes it feels like there are a million new hobbies you could entertain yourself with, but simply not enough hours in the day to learn how to do them. This is why we suggest learning a new skill from a past life! Instead of wasting all that time "practicing," try channeling the lives you've lived before. Once you remember who you used to be before your soul inhabited this new form, you'll also be able to remember all the skills you used to have. Was your past self a talented musician? Well, it looks like you get to save money on those guitar lessons! Were you a gourmet chef in the 19th century? Well, now you're a gourmet chef in the 21st century! The possibilities are endless. Learn a new skill from a past life today!* *(Channeling your past self may result in knowledge that you experienced a wrongful death, and an uncontrollable urge for revenge may surface. We are not responsible for any violent behaviors, weird attachments to past loved ones, or inexplicable phobias that may arise once you have gotten in touch with the history of your soul.)

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 11 (guess they're not so high above bureau standards after all...)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, It's Me" Phone Calls: 1 (i promise you this stat will get extremely high extremely fast once they get into the swing of things. like, an ep i just watched had it happen 5 fucking times, so just be patient lmfao)

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 5

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 7

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 8

Total Number of Sexually Charged, Uncomfortably Intimate, and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 11

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 3 (i don't remember it occurring, but my notes said it did so)

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 2

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 10 

Total Number of Times People Making Out in a Car Are Hurt or Killed: 2

Total Number of Nosebleeds: 4

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 2 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 1 

Total Number of Times Someone Says "I Want to Believe": 3

Total Number of Times Someone Says "The Truth is Out There": 1

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 6

Total Number of Maggie Scully Sightings: 1

Total Number of Lone Gunmen Sightings: 1

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 0 :(

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 7½ (the people's accents in this episode are so strong it's impossible not to know it's in new york)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 5

[alteredsilicone]

The Dark Urge : Act I

A long ramble about my Dark Urge playthrough, split up between acts since this game gets meaty.

This is my third playthrough so more or less I knew what I was getting into (had some durge story bits spoiled too).

When I set out to play durge I also wanted to do an "evil" playthrough, so I set some goals: embrace the "big" durge decisions, be evil when possible without going full murder-hobo. Ally with Gortash, dominate the Brain. Make SH a Dark Justiciar, ascend Astarion, romance Minthara, push Gale towards Godhood and help Lae'zel stay loyal to Vlaakith. The results were... varied.

Recruiting Minthara meant the tieflings had to die, so I indulged the durge by watching Arabella die. Surprisingly this way the game guilt trips you less about doing bad things. (The guilt tripping aspect I will bring up at the very end, after my Act III retrospective)

I quickly learned why durge x Astarion is a popular ship - he really jumps on you from the very beginning, a total 180 to how he treats Tav. Anyways, he wasn't my romance goal so I let him be. For a while.

Alfira is one of my favorites, but she had to go. Sorry. I know there is an alternative by making a different NPC appear but I wanted an authentic(tm) durge experience. Besides, Alfira would die in the grove massacre anyways, two birds with one stone and all.

Dream Guardian interlude - I made her look like my first version of Viri, so it's a Viriception.

Since I'm collecting all the "evil" choices, I also decided to indulge the tadpoles. Partly for achievements, partly to see how it works. Truth be told I didn't use the tadpole skills too much, so if I replay durge (I might do for certain different story outcomes), I will ignore the tadpoles altogether.

Sceleritas Fel was an excellent addition, obviously I humored and indulged him since I wanted to be papa's most specialest murderer.

As I was allying with the goblins I explored some stuff I didn't previously - got shackled up by Gut. Escaping her was quite easy, just had to avoid her afterwards. Then I rushed to Minthara.

I love Minthara's character a lot - she stayed in my party throughout the whole game. Needless to say, but I killed Karlach for Wyll (and stupidly didn't get his armor because I forgot to put him in my party, oh well), Wyll left me when I attacked the Grove (I assume he died offscreen or I killed him without noticing) and I never even met Halsin so he also just died offscreen.

I could also rant about the whole "evil playthrough cuts you from 20% of the content" aspect, but that is a tired rant. I don't mind the grove massacre being the price you pay for Minthara joining your party (she IS an evil character, she straight up agrees with all evil actions together with Astarion and is totally on board with dominating the Absolute and becoming rulers yourself), I just wish there was some alternative with playing on the more evil side.

Maybe befriend goblins? More drow? Anything, really? Then again, BG3 is already a massive game... Oh well, you can't have everything.

Anyways, now that I have done the first big quest, I went to the Underdark to try out one specific thing:

What happens if you sacrifice Gale to the fish people before Elminster stabilizes the orb?

He aggros, you kill him and then after two in-game days this happens:

Needless to say, I reloaded a save and just humored the fish people without killing Gale. Besides, for a corruption arc he needs to live. This is also why I only indulged the "big" durge reactions...

My personal philosophy is that being a murder-hobo is a boring way to be evil (death is not the worst thing that can happen y'know), I much rather would corrupt characters.

However, another part of me got curious about one thing: if you bite off Gale's hand when you find him in the portal, can you present it at the murder tribunal in Act 3?

Anyways.

Remember I said Astarion really gets the hots for durge? So, Minthara leaves for Moonrise so she isn't in my party at the moment this happens... durge decided to have some "fun".

This sequence was very corny, but I know it's all part of Astarion's play-pretend so I just let it play out. Spoiler alert - I will friendzone him later (for his own good).

I decided to feed durge the Noblestalk to get some memories/lore. I hoped for more but probably getting everything back in Act I would be anti-climatic, so this was a nice tidbit all the same. Also the environment bugged out, I should be in a dark dank cave, not outside.

Gale also decided he likes me. I promptly friendzoned him. Trust me, Galey, you do not want a romantic adventure with this tiefling (also he is soulbound to Nila, my other Tav, can't have him cheating on his wife...).

Anyways, Gale is a funny case because Larian keeps mucking up his romance flags, I couldn't replay his romance scene with my actual Galemancer Tav, but the romance does trigger later in Act I when you farm some approval (so either in the Underdark or Creche, depending which path you go on). But it also bugs out (I had to long rest twice with my Tav as the first time it triggered tiefling party dialogue before promptly cutting out, probably a bug because it was an old save where the romance SHOULD have triggered during the party).

Anyways, moving on. I am jumping over some zones/quests because nothing particularly interesting happened (I helped the Myconids but I do that always so that's that, though I let Glut die while fighting the Duergar, not on purpose he just got felted, sorry big guy).

Siding with this guy has exactly zero payoff (Act II spoiler - Balthazar turns him into a zombie and that's that), which is another evil run gripe. He is like Minthara where you can convince him to go against the Absolute, but instead it just goes nowhere apparently.

I just sided with him and suffered through killing a bunch of gnomes and Duergar. Well, at least I got some new scenes.

Astarion flirting interlude:

I put this here because the durge evil face is just so funny. These two would make a disaster pair, but, alas, we in this house are women-loving-women.

So, remember me setting out to push Lae'zel towards loyalty to Vlaakith?

I went as far as to stab the Dream Guardian...

Obviously I should have known better, because the Guardian has plot-armor for obvious reasons. This game kinda sorta railroads you to go against Vlaakith/side with the Guardian. Otherwise the game would just end for obvious reasons... So I decided that I might just shelve Lae'zel along the way.

Maybe I should have made some other decisions in later acts (like killing Voss), but I had my companion-squad already with me, so I decided to let it go.

And that concludes a "brief" overview of durge Act I:

[oiiikawas]

i see quite a significant change in joel’s personality but it’s not a bad thing.

his fear of losing someone he cares about has always been there since sarah. in both the game and the show, he pushes people away to avoid feeling anything for them and to subsequently avoid the weight of potential loss and guilt but in the game, there was never any representation of joel being struck with fear and being unable to move or say anything. he was actually the opposite, he didn’t shy away from being defensive and violent. the show version of joel is very vulnerable and not confident in his ability to fight or protect even himself, let alone anyone else. he mentioned that he used to be a lot stronger and more capable but he doesn’t feel like that anymore. that’s very different from the original joel but it’s more realistic that way.

his nightmares, his panic attacks, his frantic urge to shut people out and isolate himself. they are intensely emotional reactions that genuinely happen when experiencing grief and the worry that’s tied to it. maybe it seems uncharacteristic for joel because we are so used to his gruff, intimidating game persona but the show is humanising these characters so much more and with that comes vulnerability and weakness.

i think they are trying to show that just because a person has become rough around the edges and a hardened version of who they used to be, doesn’t mean they have moved on from whatever trauma they endured. it never fully goes away and it can still heavily impact them no matter how much time has gone by.

sorry for ranting, i just had a lot of thoughts about this! it’s something i’ve been thinking about a lot (you can probably tell hahaha). i am a joel defender till the day i die so i had to just get this out, hope you don’t mind :)

i'm 100% a joel apologist through and through.

also yeah i made a post about this on main, but i think the reason theres a difference IS because the mediums. we weren't ever gonna get to see this level of emotional depth of joel because its a video game and not a show. and they couldn't devote the time to that.

the show allows the writers to do exactly that, humanize npcs and let us really get to know the main characters more deeply.

[ohwynne]

Describe an NPC who is important to your character's story. Is this person still a part of your character's life? What are your character's feelings towards them? Have those feelings shifted, or have they always been constant?

[META.] While the Protherians preferred to live life outside a nuclear family structure (going by the 'it takes a village'-mentality), Wynne still very much was aware of the people who had made them — and who looked after them just a bit more, albeit never enough. Let me introduce where the story often starts: the parents. Zahra is a woman who left her once-life behind for her now-husband and the commune he and his family had been part of for centuries. Maybe it was that abandonment that made her faith in the demon so steadfast and desperate — no longer in contact with her own family, removed from the world she had once known, this had to be it. As a mother, she fit the mould. Made Welsh cakes on Sundays and indoctrinated her children with the beliefs she had committed to. She read bedtime stories that scared Wynne and Iwan, but tucked them in just right. She's the quickest swimmer in the family. It's hard to say how well she and Wynne got on. How does a mother look at their firstborn child and accept that they are to die? How does a mother do that for twenty years and get away with claiming to love said child? Zahra did love Wynne, as Wynne loved her. There was no emotional depth to their relationship, however, with Zahra having grieved Wynne since the moment they were born and not allowing herself to get truly close. There's the performance of motherhood, the tucking in late at night — and yet there is the complete absence of anything more. The same can be said for Gareth, though his beliefs and acceptance of Wynne's fate expressed themselves differently. He was proud, that it was a child of his that would serve the commune. He was proud, that it was the Hughes name that would serve the people for once. While Zahra disregarded Wynne's concerns and left no room for conversation or questions, Gareth was quick and strict to shut them down. Wynne sought for a relationship with their father more than with their mother: Zahra gave them nothing, neither in response to disobedience or grace. Gareth, however, offered attention. And when he was proud, the sun shone on Wynne — so all their good behavior, their dutiful and honorable approach to their fate were met with his beaming smile. When that smile faded and turned into something mean, it was worse than their mother's frigidity, worse than the anger of the mentors and elders. These days, their feelings are complicated. Distance, contemplation and conversation have made Wynne realize that there is something quite wrong about their parents' willingness to see them die. It's something they've always known in a sense, but through disillusion, repression and indoctrination it's been hard to really grasp. On another hand, there are a lot of feelings of guilt and concern — they abandoned their parents, left them to fend for themselves. They did leave a note, underlining their reason for leaving and with that, their inability to spare them from that fate. I don't want to die. At the end, Gareth and Zahra paid the price for their insolence and failure as parents: with their destined sacrificial lamb gone, the elders and leader looked towards their secondborn, Iwan. Through their failure to look out for one child, they lost both — and though they might blame Wynne, it's their own shortcomings they should condemn.

[kimarisgundam]

I think someone else told you this before but this is precisely what happens when you try to play both sides.

You are either with the corp or not at all. Do you like dying? Because this is how you die in Night City.

Have you spoken to your character's brother and told your party the truth? You need to sort this out ASAP.

How are you best chooms with the guy your brother tortured? You just stood there and let your brother torture a choom?

No to both questions... I don't want my party to hate me and I'm making it a point to avoid my character's big bro now

My Netrunner was sleeping over at the doc's place when we ended our session... I don't want to face my bro, and anyway, our Rockerboy hasn't woken up yet. I think maybe I should stay in case the doc needs my help

^ First Aid level 1. Better than nothing

And No! Like of course I didn't stand by while my character's bro tortured her friend!

The Rockerboy wasn't my friend when that happened

I sold him out to Arasaka. I didn't know my party liked him that much (he was a NPC) and wanted to rescue him

When I saw what my bro did, I felt guilty and hung around the doc's place to help out cos this was my fault. Our current situation feels like a repeat of last time...

This entire friendship started on a lie 😭. I didn't help him during his recovery cos I'm nice, I did it to wash away my own guilt 😭

It's slowly dawning on me what a terrible smarmy liar I am... I'm just like McGillis 😭

The Rockerboy (as a NPC, and as a character my friend adopted) thinks my Netrunner is his best friend 😭. He tells me his secrets and his dreams and I'm just lying to his (and my friend's) face every session 😭

Why does he trust my character so much anyway? He should go find better friend. Someone who isn't a lying double agent

Like, ask someone else to leave the city with him. I can't leave and I'm like "haha, you're so dumb. Roadtrips are dumb haha" but I actually kinda really want to go on that roadtrip...

That Braindance we had was fun. Going camping was like really fun. I want to go camping under the stars and I want to roast radioactive looking marshmallows and I want to see what it's like outside Night City 😭

It's not dumb at all. I'm the dumb one 😭

[megacross-ground-zero-rated-r]

MAJOR Trigger Warning for the following:

Suicide, depression, hopelessness, intense guilt and shame, self-hatred / self-pity / self-punishment, invasive thoughts, extreme black-and-white thinking, and some NSFT text.

Most of these things are taking big, complicated emotions and making them bigger, pushing them to the extreme. Sometimes these characters are direct stand-ins for a specific emotion / thought and sometimes they're more metaphorical.

Nick: Typically tells himself what he IS makes him sick and wrong verses Kellogg: Typically tells himself what he DOES makes him sick and wrong. Or what's been done to him.

Nick: He can become good enough to earn the right to exist versus Kellogg: Typically thinks he can't, but he's not gonna kill himself, so he may as well suffer OR No-one needs to earn it, they have it simply by virtue of being born.

Kellogg being jolted out of apathy by the first death and vomiting his guts out in the simulation, spilling a lifetime of rage and grief and wallowing in self-pity, so Sole can see it, understand it, and swear to never be like him. She feels similarly in some areas but the problem is still him: He made the wrong choice too many times. His emotions were just too big. Self-control was never truly an option. How could it be for someone who was hurt so badly?

All these things he's thought of as his death being someone else's silver lining: A no holds barred heart-to-heart and a cautionary tale for Sole. Advice and a secret companion and maybe some orgasms for Nick. A final rousing speech for Father to visit the surface before the illness takes him. A fun time on the surface for Synth Shaun. A night of passion with his Gen Three copy before one of them is put down at random, carrying the other's bitemark, scarring it over.

I usually write him as a doomed figure to riff on the lack of choices. Both him as a character and as an NPC driving the plot "know it has to be this way." He is "fated" to die when he's ambivalent about living, or be forced back to life when he wants to die, or shoved into a new place / time / body / state of being. He wished he'd stop existing, got exactly that, started fearing nothingness when he had to go back, but he had no other choice. He had to leave the Lounger eventually. He'd already let them kill him once. Suicide cannot be undone.

While hiding in Nick's mind he's torn between hating and loving death. He begs to be allowed to stay while he pours over the question: Did he truly want to die? Or did he just want a new life, a break from all this? He feels once he's answered it he'll be ready to take another plunge into the void. See where the fuck he ends up this time.

The fic These Telltale Parts can essentially be boiled all the way down to his free-roaming spirit trying to find something funny to say about death, and therefore, life, slowly coming to realize he does in fact regret suicide by cop. Nick also expresses regret for helping Sole, it was clear to him what was happening, but he can't take it back either. All that's left is the aftermath of the choices made then, the autopsy, the cleanup. The reason Kellogg goes insane this time is he NEEDS a reason why his grim reaper is late and convinces himself the Institute components need to be removed from his corpse so his soul may move to the next step in the process, whatever that may be.

((A big thing Nick’s torn between loving and hating is the idea of becoming human again. His Megacross iteration, at the very least, is extremely jealous of Conrad for popping into R///oger R///abbit's world as a regular old human instead of a humanoid T///oon.))

The narrative and Nick implicitly agreeing with the idea that Kellogg’s mere presence is disgusting and poisonous to others- Not like battery acid, but vinegar, still enough to sting and corrode. It's okay because he knows his place.

Unable to take a physical form, unable to affect the world around him, he exists as a collection of thoughts rather than a person. It's better this way: Obviously he ruins everything he touches. He can never make the right choice. Obviously anyone finding out Nick’s haboring Kellogg's ghost puts them both in danger. The Illness needs to be cut out, and if Nick disagees, says he has it under control- He's learned to live with it, same as many other drawbacks to his fraught mental state / Synthetic form- It's clear The Rot Has Spread Too Far.

Kellogg's argument for why he should be spared is look how small he's made himself to avoid inconveniencing Nick. He didn't even want Nick to find him. He knows he shouldn't still be here. He knows, he knows, he knows he should just disappear. He respects Nick as the master, he only wants the barest hints of his personality to stain Nick.

A little more selfish. A little more quick to anger, a little more honest when he shouldn't be. A little more "spontaneous"... By which he means lustful, indulgent. One of the first manifestations of Kellogg is sharper hunger pangs and a craving for sensations he used to love: The taste of a cigar. The kick of a high-caliber pistol rocking back into his palm. The snug fit of a leather jacket.

Nick doesn't think too much of these things and feeding them doesn't give Kellogg more power over him. Even if it did, Kellogg knows better than to disrupt the natural order. Nobody notices him indulging and puts it together the merc's instincts are bleeding into him. It's vital to remember that the cravings were already inside him, they just changed, got more frequent. ((Again the problem is Kellogg Specifically: It could be argued the text says those cravings are fine when they belong to Nick. Nick is the only one who's soothed and told his hungers are natural / good.))

Kellogg sees all the embarrassing, shameful ways in which Nick is Only Human. Those cravings. Anger. Jealousy. Loneliness. He holds no judgment. Seen too much to be shocked or disgusted.

He gently coaxes Nick to admit he wants more / weirder sex. He's fascinated by how Nick works and feels no shame for it, personally, his care and hesitation breeching the subject are for Nick’s sake. They agree Nick can't have a partner while Kellogg's here... The sooner they get comfortable with open, honest conversation, the less friction there'll be in their shared space. Often it stops at a little reminiscing on the past. Cracking a couple jokes.

Sometimes, when they're feeling especially nostalgic, Kellogg offers the still-fresh memories of a flesh-and-blood body, Nick hops in and takes a joyride through the highlight reel. Sometimes the fantasy they create together is all their own.

Kellogg is the soft, encouraging voice murmuring in his ear, c'mon, Nicki, show me the weird shit. Show me how you tick. He's fine with not feeling the same sparks: Working together is half the fun. He loves making Nick feel good. Relaxed. Safe. "I promise you're safe with me."

Again, Kellogg sees everything inside his head, but Nick is in control of what they do or don't engage with. What they feed. It cannot hurt them or take over them if they look it in the eye and speak it's name, acknowledging it, then moving on.

T///oon!Nick’s downfall is in hating his humanity for its needs and wants. Insisting that he is completely in control of himself, he has to be or Bad Things will happen. It's in refusing to believe that others can understand and sympathize, or getting angry because they relate too much. Enraged, even. Mob Boss Nick made the mistake of fixating on one thing that could Save Him and give him all the answers. Nick's version was killing Winter, Val's was single-handedly saving the entire Wasteland from itself, which then snowballed into other issues.

Kellogg often submits to Nick's point of view if they disagree. He doesn't want to seem too argumentative. In Megacross I decided to dramatize Kellogg's / Conrad's positive feelings and that submission to the point he loses himself. I ballooned the belief that Nick Is Always Right and Just, he is Always Bad, further and further until the only way Conrad thinks he can Be Good And Worthy is through the power of their love.

Since 98% of the time Kellogg is acting either to help Nick or in self defense, what if we flipped the dynamic- Nick not acting like himself like in Possessed!Nick stories- By making T///oon!Nick an active, persistent aggressor against Conrad? Again, we come back to black-and-white, extreme thought patterns: He cannot truly kill the parts of him that are needy, or horny, embarrassing, aching, bleeding, anything he wishes he could be Better Than. It's actively harmful to his well-being to try.

Both of them believe they're acting in self defense, and each is at least partially right, but Conrad snaps out of plotting murder FIRST. NICK is the one to continue taking it too far, his paranoia running wild. It's understandable to be a little freaked out by someone you don't know knowing that much about you. It makes sense he'd be concerned about associating with Conrad, or his public image in general. Same with recoiling from what, for all intents and purposes, looks like a stalker's love confession. But murder is not the appropriate response.

Conrad's struggle will be forming his own opinions, divorcing his perception of himself from Nick as much as possible. Avoiding spirals into hopelessness. No, he is not a lost cause. Yes, he's been hurt, badly, but he's not broken down to ground glass, doomed to be sealed in a jar and locked away forever or cutting into everything he touches.

Both of them need to be able to recognize when their pursuit of personal growth is in danger of going off the rails. Or if it's something else they want to *believe* is good for them. Are they actually thinking about a mistake all the time to avoid it in the future? Or is it self-flagration?

You gotta learn to truly live with being the problem and hurting others sometimes. You have a right to feel / vent but it cannot fall to the one you hurt to support you. Sometimes you really do drive yourself crazy. Everyone is not out to get you and wishing for your death / your reputation being ruined. It feels terrible to be afraid / ashamed of what's in your head for any reason. You have to exist as a full person who makes choices and takes up space / time / oxygen, not just thoughts, not just how you can serve someone else. Refusing to change anything about your life is a passive choice, but it's a choice nonetheless, even if you want to pretend it's a purely neutral non-action. You cannot saddle someone else with being your moral compass.

[caffeine-high]

degolificada and guilt parasite :D

hi chirp! :D

Degolificada - Who's your favourite NPC?

ivette!!!! i lovee her!!!!!! minha mãe!!! don't necessarily approve of her romantic choices but everyone is allowed to make mistakes╯︿╰

i would say that she should get to retire, but i think armsdealer/bar owner is genuinly her happy place, as long as there is less stress regarding whether people come back or not...

also, agatha!!!!! love agatha!!! lotta feelings about agatha that mostly turn into my chewing furniture when i try to actually say anything!!!!

Parasita da culpa - Which moment or concept would you change if you could, and how?

ooh multiple!

everythin on the coloseum could be done with the expcilit knowledge that there is a gay bar just a few hundred meters away, doesnt even need to change much, just the awareness of it

(opd and osni spoilers under the cut)

i honestly would love to see what happened if luciano had drowned in the blood pool! cz yea sure cellbit had plans, and he wouldnt just allow kian to die right then and there, but, in the story we got, had luciano died and the group burned his body, im pretty sure that would have been the easiest kian fix right there!

i think just the base concept of osni? love the season, genuinely in my top 3 seasons, but i just wish it were different. there is so much you can do with both 'paranormal paint' and 'seccluded paranormal island' sepparately, let alone together!!!

[icharchivist]

Wow, that sounds cowardly

To not let some NPCs die

Sure it's sad if your fellow Avalanche members die, but the horror of the plate drop was that all these innocent civilians were sacrificed as well and it sounds like you're not really getting the full weight (pun intended but I'm crying) of that war crime if all the civilians are fine, actually

Right?? it's so odd to me

like, it's clear people died (we know that without evacuation there would be at least 50k people who would die, and even if we managed to evacuate people we can't have saved everyone, and when we run into survivors or people who have family in the sector we can overhear them talk about people who died), but all the named NPC, the ones you talked with in the second or third chapter of the story all made it out fine and okay

in the OG you don't get to spend a lot of time with people outside of Avalanche, but everyone dies. So even if you don't have a deep attachement to the people there, you get crushed knowing no one made it out.

now in the Remake they make sure you have attachements to just people living their lives in Sector 7, so you do know quite a few people. But they also go out of their way to go "and don't worry those like, 10 people Avalanche was friendly with are alive and well".

Many people still died! but you get to focus on the relief of seeing that some of your friends survived. The OG doesn't give you this mercy.

The Remake could have taken this situation to make the drop even more of a punch because it's not just nameless guys you ran into quickly that are dead, but people who were friends. but they don't actually want to commit and instead all your friends are alive

and like, i'm okay with statistically some of the NPC we meet end up alive, because i do think that showing Avalanche working to evacuate the Sector even without being able to save everyone, is something they would do. I think it would have been more haunting if they never knew who survived or not

But literally everyone we had longer conversations with are are alive and well.

For now the only people the fate isn't sure of is the Avalanche trio, who all die in the OG, and who had seemingly death scenes in the previous chapter, but now they're the people Barret are looking for (in a whole sidequests who isn't in the OG), so who knows if they'll also hold back on that.

but it feels so weird to me, and it sucks in put me in a situation of wanting some characters i love to die. because it really does feel cowardly, and the relief of "but all the people we loved are alive!" ends up holding you back from really feeling the guilt of "but so many people died". The OG doesn't give you anything to distract you from the pain and grief. The only person being saved is Marlene and it's downright a miracle.

just MAN it's so odd.

[lorewiththeo]

Who is the Tsaritsa, the Cryo Archon?

Notice: This article is about the upcoming character the Tsaritsa, the cryo Archon who resides in Scheznaya of Genshin Impact. Please note my predictions based on what I saw in Honkai and what I think would be potential parallels!!

Warning: Honkai references, possible spoilers for the Scheznaya arc(obviously)

What we know about the Tsaritsa now (as of 1.5)

“She is a god with no love left for her people, nor do they have any left for her.”

“Her followers hope only to be on her side when the day of her rebellion against the divine comes at last.”

-Dainsleif, Teyvat Chapter Storyline preview “Everwinter without mercy”

(This seems to imply how she used to hold the title "God of Love" like how Barbatos holds the title "God of Freedom".)

If you have paid any attention during the story line, you will know that the Tsaritsa is the ultimate antagonist(for now) and the boss of Fatui.

She is willing to achieve her goal:overthrowing the heavenly principles and/or celestia with whatever methods available. Including employing morally questionable people like Dottore.

Venti mentions how she has never been the same since the cataclysm 500 years ago, it is likely this is what made the Tsaritsa make up her mind about rebelling against Celestia.

Tartaglia’s voice line about her

Source: Honey impact

Appearance speculation(Honkai references)

Reference character: Bronya Zaychik/ Ana Schariac

Reasons why Bronya Zaychik could be a base:

Bronya Zaychik’s nationality is Russian, and Scheznaya’s real life reference is Russia

She is known as the silver wolf and was a child soldier from a young age.

She also had to harden her personality after going through a traumatic event.

One of her battlesuits is ice-element oriented(Herrscher of Reason).

Although I do not belive she is the main blueprint for the Cryo Archon of Genshin. Her real strength as a Herrscher(god) is not related to Ice. It is creation, meaning making things once you understand/memorize its structure.

Plus, honkai already got an Ice Goddess with tragic backstory.

Why I think Ana Schariac is the main reference to the Tsarista

Just take a look at her title. Herrscher of Ice

And her design. I do think mihoyo would surely not let a beautiful work of art like this to go to waste. All this work and Ana would just be an NPC with so little screentime? (Rememebr Wendy->Venti, please make this a treand oml)

Does her color scheme reminds you of the Fatui-centric pale flame artifact set?

A major argument Ana has is: Her tragic backstory and the potential parallels. The theme "love" is very much present.

You can argue that Bronya became the herrscher of reason to help her friend is also tied to love in some way...

However Ana's story has major similarties to the Catalysm happened 500 years ago and why the Tsarista become a different person.

My personally wish is this: Since Ana did not get to live long enough after become a herrscher and we know little about her personality, the Tsarista would have Bronya's personality and way of doing things.

How the Tsarista met her first Harbinger, Pierro

This is the Story on the Mocking Mask of the pale flame set, implying he is from the Fallen Kingdom of Knaeri'ah. He was taken in by the Tsarista, it would seem.

In Honkai, Ana also saved someone important to her from a disaster. His name is Chen Tian-Wu, code name Owl.

It is implied that they love each other. In fact, Owl stayed by her side until the very end of their lives.

In Honkai, Ana ran away from Owl's dying sister so she would not see her die. Note that it is not because Ana did not want to, but the littl girl is beyond any help at that moment.

This could very well be a parallel to how the Tsarista can only turn away from the descruction of Knaeri'ah since she cannot do anything, cannot invervine the decisions of the heavenly principles/Celestia

Owl later found out about this, and he was not sure whether or not to hate her or be thankful to her. (The Jester Pierro could have the same mindset since formentioned parallels)

Ana felt immense guilt regarding the fact that she ran away and it eventually led to her hersscher transformation.(Losing your mind etc)

Therefore her and the Jester have one colletive goal: Overthrow the "divine"

[melohax]

Sunny’s Feelings About Basil

Warning: Longass post ahead as usual. Also Major Spoilers.

I’ve gotten DMs here and there from people who read my OMORI story explanation. I’ve been asked if I’m implying Sunny is a Bad Person cus I say he subconsciously feels both love and hatred for Basil. Also have people asking me if I think their Sunny/Basil ship is bad or problematic so lemme clear those up!

So first off: about shipping.

I don’t really care about what anyone ships and for what reason.

I also don’t mind if someone ships a relationship that is considered “unhealthy”. Like seriously, don’t be scared to ship what you want how you want. You don’t need my permission or anyone else’s. Think up whatever scenarios you like about the story and its characters, have fun.

On to Sunny and Basil:

I’ve said before that it’s very obvious to me that Sunny loves Basil and much of the game revolves around Sunny’s quest to save him. I’ve also said before that I also think there’s hatred mixed in there with Sunny’s feelings for Basil.

I think resentment towards Basil does play a significant part in Sunny’s subconscious feelings for him. Like I said before, you can talk to invisible “strangers” in the blackspace hub if you press A (on controller) while walking between the doors. Those npcs have varying things to say, including sarcastic quips about how lucky Basil is to have Omori try to save him and they also say that they’ve seen what Omori does to Basil when he isn’t “pure” or “uncorrupted” enough for him.

The fact that those strangers are part of Sunny’s psyche to begin with kinda tells me that he subconsciously feels guilt over his mind’s treatment of Basil (both the idealized Basil and the one he calls “Stranger” at the same time) cus otherwise, the stranger npcs wouldn’t make a point of talking about the horrible things Omori does to Basil or being sardonic about it.

Shadow Basil also tells Omori that he was split in half the day Sunny “became nothing”, alluding to the two Basils Sunny created in his mind. He then asks Sunny which he thinks is more painful, becoming nothing or Basil being split in two. This tells me that this isn’t just about Sunny seeing Basil “out of reach” but that it’s him/Omori realizing the way his mind separates the “pure” part of Basil from the part of him that hurts Sunny with the truth he carries.

Then afterwards, there’s the event on the good ending route in the Blackspace church where Omori stabs Basil while the latter begs Omori to stop. Not only does Omori stab Basil but he purposefully walks on his corpse. This isn’t just him not caring about the “fake” Dreamworld Basil anymore. Deliberately spiteful imagery is being used there.

There’s also the pretty ruthless choices Sunny can make during his night sleeping over at Basil’s house.

Here’s the scene we see as soon as Sunny falls asleep in Basil’s living room:

We’re shown right there that Sunny isn’t as unaware of Basil’s intentions as he looks. This means he very likely knows Basil will hurt himself unless he intervenes. Its shown by how Sunny himself (not Omori) is lying down in Whitespace, watching Basil being enveloped by “Something” until he’s swallowed up while begging for forgiveness. Note Sunny’s “epiphany” expression too.

It’s no accident that it’s this moment that makes Sunny decide to face the truth once and for all

After this, you take Sunny through the Truth album. Basil has one request he repeats during this process and it’s for Sunny to please forgive him. Sunny’s mind is shown to fixate on Basil’s words with how many times he recalls Basil asking for forgiveness.

When Sunny wakes up from the Truth Album, that’s when we get the numerous options Sunny can take.

One of Sunny’s choices can be interpreted as a message that no, he doesn’t forgive Basil when he decides to go back to sleep in the living room. Sunny wakes up and gets to choose wether to look at Basil’s corpse or not. He can then choose to go back to his house, sleep until the next day and move out with his mom.

The evidence is very much there that Sunny preemptively knows that Basil is in danger. When you go to Basil’s door, you also get the option “Do you want to save Basil?”. The wording is important here, with how “save” implies that Sunny is aware Basil’s life is on the line, that he’s aware of the consequences of not entering Basil’s room. It’s also as if the prompt is asking Sunny if he actually wants to save Basil or if he’d rather let fate take its course with him.

You can then choose “No” and then you can also choose to just go back to the living room and sleep. These are all choices Sunny can as a character can make, which imo shows his intentions without outright spelling them out. Its Sunny making a deliberate choice there of leaving Basil to die.

We could say Sunny’s fear of having to live with the truth is involved in this as well but I don’t think that’s the main reason. The fact that this whole sequence of events happens right after Sunny’s mind has been ruminating on Basil’s apologies, I get the feeling that this is all Sunny’s answer to Basil’s question of “Will you forgive me?”. Whatever action Sunny decides to take right after waking up in the living room is his final answer to Basil.

To clarify, none of this means that I’m saying Sunny is “evil” or whatever. I’ve written another analysis post before on why I really disagree with people who say Sunny is primarily cruel and/or a psychopath. Darker feelings like resentment and even anger make sense for Sunny to feel alongside fear, yearning, sadness and remorse.

Sunny’s coping mechanism of “It did not happen/ I do not see it” means it makes sense if he subconsciously also feels some particular bitterness towards Basil. Not only does Basil always inevitably force Sunny to see the truth with his mere presence alone but the way Sunny tries to avoid facing his own actions as much as possible means that blaming Basil even just a bit helps with taking himself out of Mari’s death. Another way to interpret it is that this could be a way he can use to avoid admitting what he himself did to Mari.

So yeah TL:DR: Ship whatever you like and Sunny is a complex character capable of both good and bad things simultaneously. None of this makes him irredeemable or evil or whatever.

[cardinaldaughter]

I started watching Critical Role in March of 2018. I immediately became hooked on the show, and it served as a great distraction from the fact that I was still deep in mourning over the death of my best friend who died the year before, at age 30, senselessly. I was also dealing with a major remodel that was going way worse than my husband and I anticipated (we were doing it all ourself), and my cat Finn was suffering from some medical condition that meant a lot of vet trips and medicine and surgery. My mental health was hanging by a thread when I started this show as a means of escape.

I immediately got attached to Molly. I loved the air of mystery around his character, the utter bullshit he fed people until he offered to help them, how flamboyant he was... I was just drawn to him.

Then in June or July, I can’t remember, episode 26 aired. And I watched in horror as my favorite member of the Mighty Nein was senselessly taken from us. It was heartbreaking, but it was also fiction. But it had also been my escape from this exact kind of pain, so it hit irrationally harder than it should have. I watched this show for fun, damn it! not to be reminded of the loss I’d been trying to escape from.

Then in August, Finn died. He was only 2. I did everything I could to save that sweet boy, but it wasn’t enough. And I felt that loss so deeply, and coupled with the fact that I was STILL grieving over my best friend, still overwhelmed by a remodel that was taking up what remaining concentration I had- I couldn’t even fully enjoy CR because there was a bitter and senseless death lingering there, and it just felt awful.

Fast forward to last night. I’ve accepted Finn’s death and know I did everything I could. It’s still senseless, it still hurts, but I’m okay. I still miss my best friend, but I am not in quite such a horrible headspace anymore. It’s still not fair- to quote my favorite wizard NPC- but I’m healing. And so because I’d been working to make peace with my real life losses, I went into this episode just happy to be along for the ride, and knew that the dice would do what they willed. CR was fun again, the sting of Molly’s death dulled by time and healing from real life grief.

So the ritual failed (with a Nat 1!) and I was okay. Because, like Fjord said, that’s life. People die, and it isn’t fair, but we try to heal and move on and grow from the ashes of that broken heart. But then Taliesin stepped in and did what he does, and suddenly that character I loved so much was breathing again. And I just broke down. And it had nothing to do with “yay my fave fictional character is back!” But because I realized why, up until that episode, I’d been so desperate to have Molly back:

I would give anything to be able to bring back Tori. And Finn. And my aunt who died when I was 9 that I loved like a second mother. I would give anything to have the chance the Mighty Nein had in that moment. They brought back Jester; they brought back Caleb. They brought back Molly- they did the impossible.

But I don’t have that power. That’s not how this world works. We love, and we lose, and we grieve, and we try to pull ourselves back together in the aftermath of that, and move on. But in this game? They can get their friend back. They can bend time, and nature, and reality itself, and they can pour love into their friend, and they can see him live again.

And after losing my best friend, after losing the cat that I felt/feel so much guilt over not being able to save- seeing a happy ending like this feels so cathartic for me. So relieving. So freeing. It’s just a story, but that’s the power of stories. They can move you in ways you didn’t know you could be moved. And for someone who has experienced so much loss in her life starting at age 7 and never seeming to let up, with death after death- from this past year, with the pandemic and all the sickness and death and fear that has surrounded us... the Mighty Nein getting their friend back just feels so damn good. Taliesin was right. They earned this. We earned this.

It’s about damn time for a happy ending.

[loviatars]

The Highwayman - Part Two

pairing: astarion x female npc (reader, not the mc!) warnings: references to abuse and torture rating: teen for the above reasons, for now <3 word count: 1,632 notes: we’re back bc this has been fun to write!! if you like it, consider reblogging and/or leaving me some notes in said reblogs xx part one. ao3.

There are some that take pleasure in the distress of another, often with a special glee if they think the other has done wrong. But who in the world hasn’t done wrong, you think as you try to maintain an expression that appears interested in what’s being said. It turns out the Gur can talk for quite a while.

It seems his delight with Astarion’s suffering has to do with the fact that he is not a fellow mortal. You’d like to think you’d be ashamed if you felt any way similar.

But he has no shame at all, it seems. Though his version of events is also part-lie, he claims vaguely to be a hunter as well-- and Astarion a prize. While you have no doubt in the verity of both statements, there’s something missing.

You’ve been sitting on a barstool so long your back’s aching. And were it a quicker-paced evening you might be forced to your feet, pouring drinks for the weary on their way to the city. But Gandrel the hunter is the only man still upright, in a manner of speaking. He’s deep in his cups and hasn’t asked for another glass of wine.

“Haven’t I seen you before somewhere,” he asks. And as if he seems to realize the foolishness of that, adds, “Briefly, of course.”

“I don’t think we’ve met, sir, no,” you begin. It isn’t always like this, most types that pass through the Dying Gull hardly notice you. They’re too busy looking at the flagon you set down in front of them.

But it seems Gandrel is smart, even when drunk. And that unnerves you.

“Forgive my asking,” he goes on, “but I think it may’ve been on a wanted poster in Baldur’s Gate.”

Clever enough to remember a face, but not bright enough to say nothing. You scoff, letting your eyes fall to the tops of your boots.

“I meant no offense, you understand,” he says, trying to salvage the interest of a pretty woman. “In fairness, I may be wrong. I couldn’t recall what the poster was for--”

“No, you’re right about where you likely know me from,” you admit. “My face was all over the city for a time.”

“Do you mind if I asked what happened, seeing as I’ve told you stories of my own?” he says. You bite your tongue to keep from telling him that you asked in order to steal from him.

“I was put on trial for theft’n murder, which I did not commit” you say, “course I ran, as any girl’d do.”

“We’ve all been scared,” he says, staring blankly at you. You nod.

“Right. Can I trust you not to say nothin’ when you get back with your quarry?” you ask in turn. “I mean, you are a hunter after all.”

“Not in the way you’d think,” he replies. “My quarry, as you put it, tends to be the bloodthirsty and monstrous kind. And I mean that literally.”

“You’re a monster hunter,” you confirm. He nods. “And the man in the wagon?”

“Not a man,” he corrects, you try not to bristle. “Vampire spawn.”

“Oh, my,” you feign a gasp. But he’s too drunk to notice. “I wonder what he’s done to earn such a fate.”

“I have no idea, it didn’t seem my place to ask,” Gandrel laughs in a way that makes you uncomfortable, “But I suppose its existence could be damning enough.”

“Right,” you reply. “That’s why you haven’t fed him?”

“Would be irresponsible, I thought,” he says. “Doubt it could die again.”

“I hadn’t considered that,” you admit.

He looks at you like you’re pitiable and soft-hearted. Like you’re still a lass on a wanted poster, wrongfully accused. You stare at him back with glassy sweetness, and he is foolish enough to mistake it for sincere.

Gandrel asks for another drink, then. And, dutifully as it is your job, you provide him with one. Though coherent enough to sniff out the gossip up until that point, this last glass makes him slump over the bar.

It’s just as well, you’ve had enough of his mismatched empathy. 

Plucking the obvious loop of keys from his belt as he snores over the bar is like taking sweets from a child. But without the obvious guilt, of course. Stealing freedom from a bad man is one of the nobler things you’ve done, after all.

You sincerely doubt him to be exemplary of anything other than cruelty, though he was right when he insisted to you that not all Gur were awful despite popular opinion. He, unfortunately, happens to be. You leave the Dying Gull with a sneer on your mouth and let the door shut quietly behind you.

Out in the cold night, you wish you’d brought your shawl. Skin turns to ice this close to winter, and you’re almost worried about Astarion as you near the wagon before you remember what he is. 

The canvas drape is still tugged out of the way, letting in lamplight and long shadows. Fear lurches in your heart when you don’t immediately see him huddled in the cage.

“Astarion?” you whisper.

“You’re late,” his reedy voice mumbles back. You hear a shifting, a creaking and a sound like bones being dragged. He pulls himself into the light at the gap in the canvas. “You said an hour, at the very least it has been two.”

“As if you’re any good with time of day,” you scoff. But with more triumph than even you expect, you hold up the ring of keys. 

Their merry jangle seems to shock him out of his joyless ribbing. His eyes, blood-red and glassy with hunger seem to sharpen in the half-light. He sits forward a little bit, though without the energy given to him by anger he lacks the strength to fly at the bars.

“You have them,” he says like he can’t believe it. “I thought for sure you’d be caught by that grubby little--” he cuts himself off when he sees your expression shift to something unamused. “He happens to be annoyingly wise.”

“Though a bit of an idiot at the same moment,” you add. To your surprise, Astarion smirks.

“Are you waiting for me to waste away to nothing?” he asks, his jovial tone now includes a sharpness. But whether it is fear or anger is anyone’s guess.

“My apologies,” you huff, choosing not to start an argument. You walk back around the cage and take hold of the lock. Astarion inches towards where the door will swing open.

It gives a satisfying click, feeling heavy in your hand when you tug it out of the loops. Pulling the door aside, you stand out of the way.

Though you offer your hand to help, Astarion does not take it as he crawls for the entrance. He stands for the first time in three days and nearly buckles upon doing so. His knees ache from sitting with his back hunched, and his eyes from straining in the dark for so long.

You jump forward, quick enough to wrap an arm about his waist and keep him standing. But before he can lash out, curl or coil away from you as he does-- Astarion notices you are not touching him any more. He’s been propped up against the cage, silver feeling uncomfortably warm with only a frayed doublet between it and his skin.

He decided he didn’t want your help. You only caught him to keep him from splitting his skull open. He gives a quick nod, not in gratitude or thanks. But it’s in acknowledgement, at least.

“You mentioned cattle?” he asks, trying to sound casual and crossing his arms over his chest. Keeping in a laugh is a struggle, but you manage it.

“Be patient while I lock up the cage. I think it best to make it look as if you’re still inside of it,” you rationalize. Astarion rolls his eyes.

“If I had it my way, I’d be strong enough to lock him in there,” he spits. “And to see how he enjoys himself.”

“Yes, and then you’d spurr the horse until it carried him to some other place with people less likely to forgive vampire spawn,” you reply. You don’t fumble with the lock in the least, sliding it back in its place and readying its key.

“I meant that he would be dead,” Astarion mutters. “In addition to being caged.”

“So did I,” you reply. You look back at him with a firm look. “Best that he be kept alive for now. No use murderin’ where it isn’t needed.”

“I don’t have much of a say, I suppose,” he admits. It’s true, he can barely stand. And cows blood will only give him strength enough to run now that his energy’s failed him, “Lead on.”

“Give me just another moment,” you say. “There’s two keys on this ring.”

“And?” he sighs. You’re already walking around the wagon, and though you don’t see him lean his head back against the silver bars-- you hear him hiss when his skin makes contact.

You smirk, tempted to ignore him.

“Odds are it’s not a key to a house, seein’ as he’s a proud wanderin’-type,” you say. 

You crawl up in the wagon and begin to feel over the rough wood. Your fingers brush over a keyhole discreetly placed perpendicular to the seat. A hidden compartment lies under it.

“What are you doing?” Astarion asks more directly, following you around the other side of the wagon and leaning when necessary.

You’re on your knees in the footrest, but you lift your head as a lock clicks open a second time that night.

“I said we couldn’t kill ‘im,” you repeat. “Never said we couldn’t rob ‘im blind.”

[queer-as-used-by-tolkien]

Storyline Study: Season 3

The Commander's storyline and actions in S3 are extremely erratic. I'm here to say ArenaNet did this on purpose for the Commander's storyline - which nicely gives lie to the myth that they ignored Trahearne.

The idea? ArenaNet did not ignore Trahearne's death... but all the other NPCs did (or seemed to).

The theory is that the story Anet was trying to tell with the Commander is that they was lonely. The theme of the whole game is unity and working together, and we just had a general all-around fail with that in Maguuma when all the Pact was hostile to sylvari, and so we failed at the Big Message of the game, and that's why we 'lost' (killed Mordremoth, but lost Trahearne). The idea is that this has lasting repercussions, because the Commander was traumatized by Trahearne's death - not just by his death, but by the fact that you were the one to kill him.

And so, you're traumatized, and that continues to have negative impacts on the storyline and the main point of the game for the rest of S3 (and also a significant portion of PoF, but that's a different story).

I think that, all throughout S3, the Commander is feeling lonely. First off, hardly anybody recognizes that Trahearne meant something to you, they're only (at best) concerned about the hole he left in Pact hierarchy. I don't blame General Almorra for this? She lost her warband the same way we lost Trahearne, but she doesn't know we had to kill him. I think, after a year of silence from the Commander, Almorra thought they had handled the grief of Trahearne's death (because she probably WOULD know we were close to him) and didn't want to intrude or anything. She was kind of doing her best, at first, to not explain what was going on internally with the Pact and the Pact's general feelings towards Trahearne, so I think she was trying to respect our feelings because she knows grief. (If at this point, Commander - especially a Vigil Commander - had, say, had a mental breakdown and explained to her what happened, she would be ten times more sympathetic and she might glue us to her side until she was sure we were alright.)

Enough about Almorra. Eir's also dead, Zojja's out of it, Logan decides to become Marshal (betrayal!) and he's also so out of it he's just doing paperwork, Rytlock is called away by Black Citadel superiors, Marjory ignores our pleas to think twice about Lazarus and disappears with him, Caithe got tied down guarding Aurene, Braham yells at us and leaves, Rox goes with Braham so he doesn't do anything too reckless, and it's just all not in control. The Commander literally has a line about this to Taimi: I can't make anyone listen to me, I'm doing bad at being a leader so please listen to me. (I forget if Taimi did or not.) We stare down Anise and help Canach work his way out of his debt to her, and invite him to Dragon's Watch, only for him to say "I've been under someone's yoke for too long" (CLEARLY referencing, not just Anise, but Mordremoth too) and then disappears. Oh, and then Marjory gets deathly wounded and Kasmeer vanishes.

This intense loneliness is all symbolized by the fact that we face down Balthazar, the God of War, and potentially an awake and active Primordus, by our own freaking self in a volcano. Taimi's there for technical support, but she's less of a combat buddy and more of a liability to protect (no offense, Taimi). Commander never faces down bad guys alone. They always has an army (or at least a dedicated group of powerful friends) behind them.

The Commander is so desperate for allies they take a magically binding death-oath to get into the Shining Blade. Exemplar Kerida is snarky and at first Commander doesn't like it, but they warm up soon enough. (Kinda like Canach. "did you singe your eyebrows off?" "eh, they needed a trim." Canach would DIE.) But also the Commander is tested by being promptly confronted with their worst fears and insecurities. But you're willing to do it if it means you'll have companions? And then it's HELPFUL, and all the little things that have been bugging you for the whole Season 3, about Rytlock and Caithe (and she mentions Trahearne) and Braham and Eir and all those things that make you feel like a failure as a leader - you deal with them, you put those demons to bed!

And then, we GO BACK TO ORR.

AND IT IS ALL GREEN AND ALIVE.

AND VERY HEARTBREAKING, THANK YOU. This is also, if memory serves, the same time Anet released the Knight of the Thorn side-story and the statue of Trahearne, and so you're thinking about this already and you're going aahhh this weird statue they don't understand him and also aaahhhhh Ridhais we are twin spirits and then you GO TO ORR.

And there you have a BUNCH of people who understood Trahearne and are working to preserve his legacy and also there is the ghost of King Reza!! And they ask for your help! And you can do your own little part to spread life by killing skelk scavengers or something, and so you help, and this kind of calms you and gives you a sort of communion with the land and the people around you who all understand Trahearne and his goals and his legacy, and this is massively understated in the game but I think it's very healing. You kill some Risen (with Caladbolg!), and so that's a kind of catharsis. You go through the reliquaries of the Six, you discover some things about Orr that Trahearne may or may not have known (I forget if there was maybe dialogue about how the whole place was sort of magically protected from intrusion), and if he did know it then you can know it too and it's a sort of I'm walking in your footsteps Trahearne moment, and if he DIDN'T know it then it's a sort of I won't let Orr die with you, I'll keep it and the memory of it alive and growing for you.

And then you go and punch Lazarus in the face with The Shining Blade and also Exemplar Kerida who is also Livia? And wasn't she a necromancer from GW1 and she stayed alive all this time with the - guess what - Scepter of Orr? (I think?) So we have a snarky, hundreds-of-years-old necromancers with a special Shining Blade (Caladbolg glows, right?) whom Anise defers to and who doesn't mind bossing YOU around like nobody's business. But you fight this Lazarus who was supposed to be dead but he preserved himself inside these aspect things, and Kerida/Livia is about to die and you're panicking like it's going to be Trahearne all over again? But then you DO it, you WIN!

Now, you're still awfully lonely and all your friends are still not around (except Taimi, bless her heart), and you faced the literal last of the mursaat with nothing except you and this snarky menace, but it's a start and and its an improvement and you've got hope again.

So really, the Season 3 storyline is massively about the Commander overcoming grief and guilt and shame regarding Trahearne, and I think Anet did it on purpose. Why did we go to Orr? NO IDEA. Tie-in to Kerida/Livia having the Scepter of Orr, and also for a bit of backstory on Balthazar getting Lyssa's mirror, and of course we do need an update on Orr SOMETIME, yeah, sure sure. Those too. But really I think it was healing for the Commander's poor traumatized brain, but Anet didn't want to say it because of all the haters.