#and then she got me ANOTHER orchid for my birthday last year

[asthedeathoflight]

I'm not generally that materialistic but lately I've started literally dreaming about getting more orchids

[shinagawa-division]

It was late in the day, and the sky was pitch black when Sumire exited her lab. Dressed from head to toe in rave-gear, she was prepared to head over to her base to meet up with the rest of Scorpion Den, who had invited her to a party there. Passing by the butler, Goro, who was busy dusting an end table in the living room, she gave him a quick wave as she prepared to head out.

"Heading out, Miss Sumire?" he asked, despite already knowing the answer.

"Yup, heading to a party," she answered, giving him another wave. "Don't wait up."

"Very well then, Miss." Goro said, nodding to her. "Ah, but before you leave..."

The 59-year-old butler disappeared into one of the other rooms, before quickly returning with a small box that was neatly gift-wrapped, and another one that was about a foot or so taller than her.

"...these arrived for you earlier." Goro said, handing them to the birthday girl, whose eyes grew wide at the presents. "I, unfortunately, don't know who sent them, but they were addressed to you from Minato."

"Minato?" Sumire repeated, cocking an eyebrow before realizing who it was from. "Ah, I got it. Thanks, Goro."

"You're welcome, young miss."

With that, the diligent butler went back to his duty of making sure the house he was in charge of was spic and span, while the 21-year-old headed back down to her lab to see exactly what these gifts were. Though she could have waited till later to open them, the thought that they came from her friends in Minato would have eaten at her all night.

Opening up the first box, she looked at what was inside, which made Sumire's eyes grow wide.

It looked like a bottle of perfume, though the snake decoration on it was what really got Sumire's attention. Pulling the lid off, she squirted the smelly mist in front of her, giving it a quick whiff. It didn't smell bad. ...Actually, it smelled kinda good, like it reminded her of something. Giving it another sniff, Sumire had to admit, this was pretty good!

Looking in the box, she saw a note inside, which read:

"To my dearest apprentice,

Happy birthday to you, though if you're anything like me, you probably don't give much thought into senseless things like this. But I digress. I decided to send you something as thanks for that wonderful creation you sent to me last week. I know to the untrained eye, it looks like a bottle of perfume, because it is. But its much more than that. It's actually poison I created using snake venom and the equally deadly belladonna plant. Lethal to those who inhale, but absolutely harmless to you. The perfect weapon to deal with any undesirables you come across. Not that I don't think you can't defend yourself, but it never hurts to have a back-up plan.

Enjoy your day of birth, my young apprentice. And my thanks again for that wonderful creation. I look forward to unveiling it to you and the rest of Japan once it is complete.

Sincerely,

Vipera"

Finishing the note, Sumire gave a quick chuckle. This was definitely something she could see Nadya sending. Looking down at the perfume, she decided to give herself a few squirts.

"Like Nadya said, it never hurts to be prepared." Sumire said, speaking to herself.

Turning to her next gift, the 21-year-old was definitely interested to see what was inside of this thing, especially considering how tall it is. Opening the box it came in, the anarchist's eyes grew wide again.

It was a bass guitar. But not just any guitar; it had Sumire's MC name embedded on it and was decorated with dark orchid flowers and skulls, which really cemented it as her own. Looking inside the box, Sumire found another note, which read:

"What up, birthday girl? I fucking hope you're having a good one! Otherwise, what's the fucking point in celebrating it, am I right? Anyway, I heard you and your girl friends in that biker gang of yours also dabble as a rock band, which I'm hella down with! But to be a true musician, you gotta have an instrument that shows you're your own bitch and don't need to copy anyone, you know what I mean? So, I decided to have this baby made for you. Looks tight as shit, am I right?! Be sure to give that thing a few strokes! It's too hardcore to be sitting in a corner somewhere collecting fucking dust! And if you need a hand at playing it, just ask me or Ren and will help you out! Later, girl! Have a good fucking birthday!

Sincerely,

Meari "Bloody 'Fucking' Mary' Miracle"

"Oh coooool!" Aiko awed at the presents 2/3 members of Oculus had given to her creator. Her, Sumire, Malphas, and Seizou were gathered all around the table as they watched the birthday girl open her gifts.

"I have to admit, these are the best gifts you've gotten all day." Malphas commented, nodding in approval at the guitar and batting Seizou's hands away from trying to grab the poison perfume, the younger AI pouting in response before slinking off to go open more Pokemon cards.

"Big sister, I didn't know you and Yozakura were in a rock band!" Aiko exclaimed in surprise as Sumire examined the guitar and played a few cords, the notes smoothly echoing around the lab before she put it back on the table. "Well, I guess the secret's out now but yeah, Aranai somehow roped us all into starting our own rock band, kinda ironic from a girl who's so entranced with Hip Hop and it's culture." She shook her head before grabbing her bag and heading towards the door.

"Knowing how the Den likes to party, I'm most likely won't come home until tomorrow afternoon, you guys are free to do whatever you want, don't wait up for me, alright? I'll see you later."

"Have fun, Big Sister!" Aiko waved cheerfully.

"See you." Malphas nodded.

"Goodbye, Creator." Seizou responded.

Thank you for the gift!

[belladoesmakeup]

Hi guys,

Every Christmas I am very kindly gifted a new fragrance which I will obsessively use for the following year and this year I was given Ariana Grande Cloud Pink!

Now when it comes to celebrity beauty and fragrance brands we can all be a little cynical about how good they are or worth the money. But I can honestly say that Ariana Grande has made several of my favourite perfumes ever. I don't know if it's her or her team but her brand of fragrances are amazing! While she has a lovely range I tend to lean towards her sweet scented fragrances (I hate vanilla scents) and currently I have 5 of her perfumes and 3 of her fragrance mists I use all this time.

This Christmas I was given Cloud Pink which I was so excited to try because I'm not the biggest fan of the original Cloud scent on me though it smells lush on my friends. It's the odd thing about P.H levels because what smells amazing on you might smell awful on me and vise versa too. Now I am terrible at describing fragrances as we all know by now so here is the information from the Boots website: " blend of ambery woods, magenta moss, and a touch of sweetened praline. The journey begins with a velvety blend of rich berries and sparkling fruit while the delicate floral of vanilla orchid and blush ambrette wrap you in an embrace of feathery, cotton-like clouds. The lasting impression, a warm blend of addictive, skin-sensual musk and amber woods indulge the senses".

Now while this fragrance has hints of vanilla, it is more subtle then her other fragrances which is why I think I like this fragrance so much. I just love how fresh this scent wears on me and reminds me of her BLUSH perfume which is another favourite of mine I got on my birthday. Can we also just take a minute to appreciate the Pink Cloud packaging because her bottles always look so pretty and gorgeous to display in my makeup room.

If you like to shop around celebrity fragrance brands I really recommend you checking out Ariana's collection because she has some beautiful scents in her brand I am obsessed with. As always all products mentioned are linked above.

Lot’s of love

Bella x x

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2001 Paula left a message saying she changed her number cuz some girl’s been driving her nuts. Too bad she wasn’t out here. She could get her hung for it. It’s a Puerto Rican, though, so maybe not. Anyway, I left her a message.

In good news, we got water last night at 6:30! Yeah, with one last-minute tease from God, too. I guess we went hog wild and pumped too much water at once because the water stopped towards the end of my shower. He had to go and vent the well cuz of something related to the pressure and the warm air escaping from the well. We’ll pick up a vent with a screen on it sometime soon. We used a lot of water at once, though I don’t expect we’ll do this regularly. We used water for 2 showers, 2 loads of dishes, and 3 loads of laundry.

It was nice to be able to clean the mice’s air filter today, too.

We got water just in time too, cuz the water was evaporating from the traps and it was starting to stink in here. I had to pour some of the last of the water down the drains.

Walter arrived with his nephew just after noon, saying he got stalled by a bunch of sheep, and I was like, by a bunch of sheep? Where? There’s no sheep around here that’d get in the way of cars. It made me wonder if the gods didn’t materialize them out of thin air as a last-minute insult. Once Walter got here, he said he was afraid to leave until it was done. I wouldn’t have wanted him to leave, that’s for sure.

He’s going to return today or tomorrow to pick up his rig. The rig with the wench has been sitting here ever since.

What pissed me the fuck off were the nosy workers from in back that invited themselves over to stick their noses where they didn’t belong. They just breezed right by the no-trespassing sign as if it didn’t exist. I’m sick of people driving onto our land to butt into our business. I can’t wait till we have fences. They could still get in, but not as easily.

We called Mary at work to let her know they made it out here, then again later on in the early evening. She was really happy for us. So was I!

In case I didn’t mention it yet, Tom fixed the bird clock that stopped chirping a couple of years ago. It’s nice to once again hear the birds chirp at the hour. We never could figure out why they stopped. Something about his taking the thing apart is what fixed it.

I’m getting ready to start ripping CDs into MP3s so that I don’t have to spend so much time doing that when I get the MP3 player. Ripping to MP3s takes longer than waves.

My birthday came early this year. Tom and I went to the grocery store in Casa Grande, and I got two new dolls! And one of them is a redhead! Finally, huh? It’s just like Teddy Bear’s, only a few shades darker. Darker than what I last saw her with, anyway. She was $20 and I named her Misha (that is a really cute and unique name) and she’s a 22” with gray eyes and a not-so-nice dress. It’s old-fashioned with gray wool, but I liked the face and hair color enough to feel her dress was worth it. I can maybe change it someday. It has pink rosebuds, velvet and lace trim, and a brown satin hem. I polished her nails brownish-gold. Her brown beaded necklace was glued on at the nape of the neck. I’ve never seen necklaces glued on before. Fortunately, her hat wasn’t glued on. It was sewn to her wig, so I could cut it off since I’m not big on hats. She doesn’t wear shoes. They’re white heels that are a part of her mold like Summer Dream’s.

I also painted Colette’s nails black and an old, cheap doll’s nails, alternating between pink and purple.

All the other 22” dolls wore wedding dresses. They were nice, though. One held a pink floral bouquet and another had gold accents on its dress so it wasn’t so boring being nothing but white, white, white. I wonder if this is what Paula meant when she was talking about dolls wearing white.

The second doll I got is another one of those 10” sitting musical dolls. This one’s dress is gorgeous. It’s an orchid dress with pink and blue trim with a touch of silver glitter. She has a melon-colored rosebud on her chest and on her white shoes. She has gold, curly hair and blue eyes. I named her Tiffany.

Tom got his computer working again, so that’s good.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2001 We didn’t get water yesterday, and as soon as I awoke at 7:30, I knew we weren’t getting it today, either.

No words can express the red-hot liquid hate I feel for God and how strongly I wish I could yank him down from the sky and beat the shit out of him. Even Mom said to Tom last night on the phone, “Maybe God does hate her.”

Well, that’s been rather obvious for a long time now, hasn’t it? I’ve given up on asking why. I don’t know why, and I don’t care why. I just wish he’d leave us the fuck alone. Not even God can ignore those he hates. He has to torture them year after year.

I’m too pissed off to write anymore at the moment. All I know is that it’s going to be days before we get water if we don’t get it today, and we’re looking at a lot of trips into Phoenix in the meantime. But I know Phoenix would love to have us, so there’s nothing to worry about there.

Later…

I’m not sure if we’re going to get water today or not. I won’t believe it till I see it, but here’s an update so I don’t get too backed up.

The day and time I predicted we’d get water yesterday would’ve been right had God not inflicted punishment upon Walter for trying to help us and done things to stall us from getting water. Instead, at 1:30 that afternoon, I suddenly knew we weren’t getting water that day. Then by 3:00, I knew he wasn’t even coming. As it would turn out, the axle on his trailer broke, and that would’ve happened around the time my vibes changed. Everything was bought, though, so it was just a matter of having the pipe delivered to his house this morning, but what should God have happen to the poor person delivering the pipe? They got stuck. Then, after they got unstuck, a tire blew on this other old trailer of Walter’s, so he had to take it in to be fixed.

He’ll supposedly be here in about an hour, but I don’t know. This all makes me wonder if he’ll get killed en route to our place. Anything to keep us from getting water sooner. I’m nearly as worried for the guy as I am for us.

Then last night, as if God hadn’t shit on us enough already, he went and broke poor Tom’s computer. Talk about adding insult to injury! Two-year-old pumps and 6-month-old computers just don’t break. They just don’t. Nobody’s shit breaks like ours. Nobody’s.

What’s left for him to go after in this house and what will be next? The dryer? The lights? The roof?

I’ve really nailed this thing vibe-wise with uncanny accuracy. My psychicness really develops with age. In my early 20s, all I could do was get these little feelings here and there, but no details. Now I’m getting more accurate and more detailed with the things I see/sense.

Anyway, there’s a scattering of dead bushes alongside the washes. I broke up an ugly dead one yesterday while I was waiting hopelessly.

Although soft, and not audible in the house, I could hear Dan’s place thumping with music again. Hey, not hearing music on a 10-acre ranch in the middle of a weekday is simply out of the question, so what can I say?

If God will let us, we’re going to put up hedges, with or without a fence, in back. George’s dumpy little city is such an eyesore, let alone an invasion of privacy. They’ve got this ugly red writing now on one of the water tanks.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2001 It looks like my Wednesday water vibe’s going to be right on. Come 3:00 yesterday with Walter still not showing up, I knew he wasn’t going to and that he’d call around 4:00. He called at 3:50 saying that the bank wouldn’t cash the check being a third-party check, so we had to go all the way back to Phoenix, the city that just won’t let us go, to get a check written from a different account and bank. Right now, Tom’s meeting Walter at the B of A bank in Casa Grande to give Walter the money in either a cashier’s check or cash. However he wants it. Then by noon, Walter should be here with all the parts needed to get us water by the late afternoon.

Fortunately, Tom had personal days stored up, so between this week and next, it’ll be a combination of personal days and vacation days he’ll take off. Next week he’s going to take off Monday through Wednesday. We decided not to go to Game Works because of all the holiday commotion, but we will do miniature golf.

My vibes have been amazingly accurate throughout this process. I was right about the footage, about the pump being bad, about him not showing up yesterday, about when he’d call, so now let’s just hope I’m right about getting water today!

Actually, he did show up yesterday to return the other check to us. We weren’t about to give him more money without getting that check back first.

When I went outside where he was talking to Walter, I thought Walter was playing music from his truck, but then I stepped back and realized it was Dan’s people. It was soft enough to hear plenty well outdoors, but not in the house. If this house were the Phoenix one, we’d hear it in here loud and clear. I’m sure it was coming from a car and not the house through an open window. It’s been cold, and I’d like to think no one could be that desperate for attention.

No one was in back yesterday to listen to either, and I hope they take today off too, though they never did end up being noisy. I only heard them for a few minutes. Maybe that’s because George spent most of the day back there, too.

We’re wondering if the reason APS hasn’t powered up the place yet is due to their having trouble passing inspection, but the longer that house is empty, the longer I get to live in peace if they truly are going to be noisy.

Tom says that by the subdivisions they’re building in the center of town, we have to get rich someday off this land. It’s a guaranteed thing. If this is true, then our struggling now is compensation of money later on, and not an everlasting curse, just like my shitty luck with women was compensated with Tom and Teddy Bear. I hope with Teddy Bear, anyway, if only for a year or two. The closer we get to May, the more I’ll be able to sense whether or not I’m going to see her.

Anyway, we weren’t at Mary’s long. She gave us $20 and let us load up 20 gallons of water for toilet flushing. Then we hit Circle K where he got gas and soda and I got hot coffee to warm me. As is 99% of our things, the heater’s broken in the car.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2001 I don’t think I can concentrate on working on my bio right now, so here’s the latest well scoop. The cost will be $5,653. Mary and Dave met Tom at Harrah’s casino and gave him the check. Because it’s so much money, we agreed we’d give them a thousand dollars in January, though we didn’t tell them that. After making the comment to Tom about how I wish I could get a job to give half the money to charity since God wants us to give our money away, he said that maybe if I got a home job, I could give to Mom instead. Well, I have mixed emotions about that. First of all, I’ll never have a job. That’s just not meant to be, convicted felon or not. Second of all, in my eyes, Mom owes us. By now, she’s paid back all the money she took us for when she so selfishly took advantage of Tom around the time Dad died, but she can never pay us enough money for the time she stole from us. We were a new couple and going through a time when I needed him most, but she kept him away from me. She’d sometimes send home my favorite coffee with him, admitting he was at her house more than ours, and that’s nice, but that just doesn’t cut it as far as compensation goes. I’m all for milking the woman dry, as much as I love her otherwise because enough could never be enough or too much money from her, as far as I’m concerned.

Anyway, this shit with Dan just gets better and better. As it turns out, the cock gave us a used pump and then lied to us, telling us it was a 3-horsepower pump, when it’s really a 2 that can only pump 2 gallons a minute. This new one we’re getting is a 5-horsepower and it can pump 15 gallons a minute, so no more will we have to worry about not running dishes while doing laundry.

All my vibes were right, though. I said that unfortunately, the only thing Dan did tell the truth about was the footage, and yes, it is 785’. I also vibed the pump was fucked up, and true to what Walter said after testing it, it is fucked up. There was a hole in it cuz the fucker didn’t wrap that area like he was supposed to, and the pump was too small for that depth, so it overshot itself.

As far as what to do with Dan - my first impulse is to run over to his business and beat the shit out of him, but his wounds would eventually heal. Where we want to get him is where it’ll really hurt and for a long time too, which is his business. Tom wants to wait another year what with the way things are being so closely monitored cuz of all this terrorist shit. As soon as those fucking Arabs will leave us alone long enough, Tom will take care of him, along with Hall, the Public defender, Pig Bias, and the black bitch, if he can find them. I’d bet she’s got her number listed and is in the same place she moved to when she moved out of the house. Yeah, because she was never really scared of me. She’d welcome any calls or mail from me, believe me. Anything to use as ammunition against me so she could use and abuse the law against me again.

I checked online for Steven, but sure enough, he’s moved on to new areas and to gather new victims.

Tom knows enough about accounts to do things to Dan’s business, like transfer money out of his account, make checks bounce, etc. The less I know, the better it’ll be, he told me, and he can’t do the same thing for everybody. We can’t have an obvious common denominator there - a husband who works at a bank with a wife who has every reason to hate these people. It’s too bad I can’t be the one to decide what each one shall get. How fun that would be! After all, they got to decide my fate for a while. It’d only be fair if I could decide theirs, but life ain’t fair. It’s going to be something that’ll devastate them for years, though. It can’t be something they could recover from in just a few weeks or even a few months. We’re going on two years of picking up after Dan’s shit, and six for the freeloaders, so they definitely need to suffer more than just a handful of weeks/months.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2001 It’s not even 9:00 and the gold truck’s already in back with its music thumping away. Just how many hours am I going to have to listen to this shit? How many more days? Well, I’m not going to listen to it. If I have to listen to music, it’ll be my own. In fact, I’ve got a CD playing now. Tom said it’s doing skirting.

It’s no joke how they say that when it rains, it pours. Last night, God just had to let a hose blow on the car, and poor Tom had to fix that, too. Like he didn’t have enough shit to deal with already!

Today is Dan and Steven’s unlucky day. Tom had taken them off his shit list to concentrate on those responsible for getting me thrown in jail, but guess what? They earned their way right back on it. It looks like, from what I vibed and what the guy he talked to this morning said, that this latest problem is also Dan-inflicted because the stupid shitfuck used too much plastic piping where he should’ve used metal. It could also be that the pump overworked itself since the fucking cock installed a pump for a 500’ well in a nearly 800’ well. Either way, ma will pay the costs, but that’s still one more thing we have to deal with. Meanwhile, laundry’s going to get backed up, dishes are going to get backed up, and trash is going to get backed up since we’d never want to burn without a working hose right there to wet any sparks.

I’m just sick of us having to be the ones to pick up after other people’s messes!!! God’s favorite pastime for us - suffering for years at the expense of others’ fuck-ups or vengefulness.

Anyway, some guy’s going to be here any minute, and I wonder - how incompetent is this one? How much money will we lose? How many years will we have to spend recovering from this cock?

Damn the Gods for making us pay for others’ shit! What? Do we not fuck up enough ourselves to be allowed to just pay for our own fuck-ups? Meanwhile, I’ll bet you don’t have anyone fucking over your precious freeloaders now, do you, God? No, they’re invincible, aren’t they? Nobody can rip them off or inflict untold amounts of stress, depression and anger on them, can they? Well, mark my words, God. Not even you can protect your beloved freeloaders from us in the end!

I wasn’t going to diet till after New Year’s, but I have to start now, or else I’ll be well into the 130s by the time New Year’s rolls around. I’m not like Tom or Mary who can eat all they want and stay the same, though they’re more like 30-50 pounds overweight. I’m 123 pounds now and would be a lot more than that come New Year’s, so I’ll have to start watching what I eat now, or else I won’t be able to fit into my clothes. We can’t afford new clothes now.

It makes me wonder, though - how much would I gain if I kept eating whatever whenever? I can only begin to guess! I’d say I’d probably get up to the 140s - 150s, but I’ll find out someday. I’m not going to try to control my weight for the rest of my life.

If we reactivate the well, and there are some things that could cause us to have to abandon it altogether, I hope we can get storage tanks in here soon enough. That way, when we suffer yet again on account of Dan’s greed and stupidity, we can have water till it’s fixed. Meanwhile, we got about 20 gallons of water at Mary’s yesterday, after we took showers there, for toilet-flushing.

Pepper was all over me, as usual, being playful and lovey-dovey. I’m thinking more and more that we will get Pepper eventually. Mary and Dave don’t hate him, but they don’t want such an attention-needy dog around. With me being home all the time, I wouldn’t mind him following me around. Mary mentioned how he’d love running up and down the house here. I could just tell by the way they were talking that they’d go for it once we got fences. The only problem is we can’t get fences if we’re constantly having to play well and car.

Ma gave me some puzzles, and Mary and Dave got me some more memory for my computer which was really nice of them when they went out to get some for their own computer. It doesn’t make things within my word processor run faster, but it helps with other things. Especially when I have a lot of stuff open.

We also got pizza and Mary sent us home with the leftovers.

It looks like George is back there now. I hope to hell he hasn’t heard about this black/Mexican shit I’ve been through, though I don’t think he ever knew our last names. It’s just that he’s in favor of freeloaders, and if he knew about this shit, there’s no saying how that’d influence his picking out tenants for that house. Although, it doesn’t really matter. If God wants me harassed all over again by the same old shit, I will be. In fact, I’m sure he’s going to make sure the noisiest people move in there, no matter what George does or doesn’t know. With this rental being the closest one to us, why would he let us have quiet white neighbors?

Later…

I totally, totally regret moving here! God, I never thought I’d be so sorry! I knew God was going to punish me for moving from the city and lifestyle he wanted me to have, but I had no idea it’d be this extreme. He wanted me to live with lots of people and noise for a reason. The well’s going to cost nearly $6,000 to fix! This guy, Walter, who I got good vibes from instantly, said he’s heard of Dan and his scams. He says we’re not the only ones that got fucked over by him, which I figured. It’s a common practice for drillers to come in, fuck people over in a certain area, then move on and do the same old shit elsewhere. I’m sure Steven, who was connected to Dan, is now long gone. Remember, he worked out of his house.

I was always nervous when it came to God’s punishing us for moving, but now I’m scared. Literally scared. This is beyond punishment. This is a curse. The question is, how much more cursed will we be the longer we stay here? How much more money will we lose? We should’ve just stayed in the city, kept a just-grin-and-bear-it attitude regarding the freeloaders, and then I wouldn’t have had to go to jail for 6 months, spend $40 a month for the freeloaders, thousands in hotels for contractors, and then thousands more a couple of years later. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about what other curses lie ahead for us after fixing the contractor’s fuck-ups, and ridding our lives of the freeloaders if we ever can.

Unless our struggling is because we’re going to be compensated later on in life with lots of money, which I doubt, something really wants us to struggle. It just doesn’t want us to get ahead. Every time we start to crawl out of a new hole someone’s dug for us, we get kicked down another one. Why bother trying to get ahead if we’re just going to be thrown back?

How do we get rid of the curse? How do we hang onto our money? How do we stop others from victimizing us and getting away with it? This isn’t a few hundred bucks and a few hours of freedom that was lost. Between the freeloaders and the contractors, you’re talking many, many thousands of dollars and half a year of freedom. What? Would it make God happy if I chained myself up in the closet every so often? Should we give half our money to charity? He works hard for our money and we should be able to keep it and spend it in normal, legit ways. Not be forced to give it to our perpetrators or greedy incompetent assholes. When is the payback for leaving the city and getting such a big, beautiful house ever going to be enough? When one of us is dead? It’s like - fuck living on a boat! Like God would let us? Besides, if we’ve gone through all this shit just to change houses, I’d hate to think of all we’d suffer on account of dumping civilization and getting off of land altogether. He would kill us for that! It’s like God put us here to serve others at our own expense. It makes me furious with God to know that these well drillers can get away with fucking over numerous innocent people out of thousands, while I go to jail for speaking my mind to people that provoked me. People that gave me a reason to react towards them. And nobody can try to convince me that things wouldn’t have been different had I been black, Mexican or male.

Later…

We’re waiting for Walter to return to take the pump out. Tom said he’s hoping they lied about how deep the well is because if it is a case of bad pipes, then we won’t need as much and it won’t cost as much.

We couldn’t get that lucky.

He also hopes the pump’s okay too, though we know the motor’s running.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2001 Well, we made it to late November before we finally had to turn the heat on. Tom said the cold woke him up at 4:00 in the morning. It was down to 67°. We didn’t even have it on for an hour, though. Once it hit 70°, I turned it off.

The bad news is that the well’s fucked up. We’re not sure if it’s drying up and needs to be blown out, or if the screen’s clogged. There you go, God. Just have us spend our money on the well so we don’t have any to spend on his vacation. And we know no reliable company to call to ask questions to, thanks to society’s incompetent little fuck-ups.

I’m going to try to hold a day schedule till mid-December. The first week in December is his vacation, but then I have to hold out a little longer for the freeloaders.

Tom said there was a message on the phone this morning as he was about to log in to the web. I immediately thought it was Paula. It didn’t do me any good telling Andy that weekends were a bad time to get me, so why should it do me any good telling Paula that? Well, it turns out that it was his work. He told them, “You want to bug me after hours, give me a beeper and pay me extra,” but like most people, they don’t listen.

Al Loomer really did say it right back in ‘88. He said I was someone that just did not like people. When I told the therapist I had at the time, Trisha Morrissey, that he said that, she said she didn’t think I disliked people, she thought I just feared them. No, Al had it right - I detest people. And if there’s any fear it’s only because they’re so fucked up that you just never know how badly their fuck-ups are going to fuck you up.

Later…

To say today’s been a shitty day is quite an understatement. First the well, and now one of the rentals is getting on my nerves with its fucking music. It could be coming from the old gold pickup that’s at the new place right now, but Tom says it’s unlikely that someone would invest in a stereo that expensive in such a dump of a truck. It started as soon as we went out there and they saw us. Tom said there was music coming from the other direction this morning. If the music I’m hearing now is coming from this truck, I better hope to hell that this person doesn’t end up being the one to move in there. This doesn’t mean, though, that whoever does won’t end up being just as noisy.

There was even a dog getting on my nerves too, but only when I was outside. This was coming from the front.

Anyway, it appears I’m not going to be able to wash my hair till Monday and that this well shit is going to cost us hundreds of dollars that we don’t have. That’s right - my teeth are all paid off, so now it’s time to replace that problem with a new expense. Anything to keep us from getting ahead. What’s the point in even trying to get ahead? All we do is get set right back. It’s either the control board up top or the pump, but either way, this shouldn’t be happening after just two fucking years! Our washer won’t work on the small-load cycle, our jet dry dispenser in the dishwasher breaks, and now this shit! Nobody’s shit breaks like ours. Makes me wonder if I should even bother getting an MP3 player. In fact, no I won’t. I’ll just finish burning my waves onto CDs once we get more CDs. I’ll no doubt have to put any money I get for my birthday and Christmas towards this well that’ll cost us hundreds, if not thousands, cuz we can’t count on his selfish mother helping us for sure. No, she’s too wrapped up in her own self, like hanging onto all her money in case she has to go into a nursing home someday. Even if this does happen, that could be ten years from now. She should be living in the present and putting her kids first, not herself. But she’s the kind that’s selfish enough to see Tom get sent to jail just so she could see him, rather than have him move far away and not be able to visit.

Well, maybe, just maybe, next year I can have a birthday and a Christmas after missing out on that twice in a row. Maybe.

This living on a boat someday is just a dream, though. God would never let us get that far away from civilization, anyway. I think this area will build up, but not in a way that’ll get us rich enough to live on a boat. Just in a way that’ll have more people and more noise.

Later…

It is the gold truck, and of course it’s a freeloader, too. I just saw the cock go into the truck and turn the music back on (it was off for a while). Also, a piece of shit doesn’t mean it can’t have a stereo like that in it. That ranchero whose stereo harassed the shit out of us was an old beat-up piece of shit. It’s a matter of priorities. Some people are demented enough to spend hundreds of dollars on a stereo just for others to hear than on a vehicle itself. A lot of these stereos aren’t bought and paid for in honest ways, either. They’re either stolen or bought with hot goods. Besides, Tom always tries to talk me out of believing certain sounds are coming from certain cars/houses. I guess he doesn’t want me to complain to them, as if I would even think of doing that after all that’s happened.

Anyway, it, and someone with a silver or white truck, is working on the electrical wiring by the house. Hopefully, with the fading sunlight, they’ll be gone soon. Of course, they’ll be back tomorrow, and God only knows how many more times after that.

No one can tell me we haven’t been punished by something up there for leaving the city. With the shit we went through to get into the house and then me being dragged back to live in the city for 6 months, it’s so obvious. And I knew it, too. I knew there’d be hell to pay for leaving the city. I just didn’t know it’d be so extreme. So, since we have to listen to music and dogs out here, we might as well have just stayed in the city and just gotten a newer, bigger house there. Then we wouldn’t have had to deal with wells or hauling water.

Oh, good. I just jumped up and checked and both vehicles are gone. Like this freeloader couldn’t have waited till it was pulling out to start the music? It just had to start it a few minutes before it left so we, and others, could hear it and notice them, huh?

Tom’s going to call this company to come out and check the well on Monday. He’s going to take that day off. He’s owed a personal day anyway. He keeps saying everything will be alright, but you know I can never believe anything’s going to be alright till I see it. What if everyone’s booked up and it’s weeks before we can get someone out here? What if they fuck us over and rip us off like the other company? Will we have water before we run out of dishes? He can’t even burn tomorrow. We only have enough water to flush the toilets about 20 more times, then that’s it. Of course, there’s laundry to be done too, and we could be in big trouble if we end up having to go too many days without water.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2001 I finally got through to Paula. She’s the same old, same old. She’s fighting with her upstairs neighbor now who she says is noisy as hell. She dreads being there on weekends. Yes, I remember dreading the weekends all too well! Meanwhile, she can’t get out of there till May cuz she has a lease. At least she’s in an apartment. It’s a lot easier to move from an apartment than a house.

She says some other girl’s been calling her, threatening to kill her and fuck up her car. I don’t know what this is all about. As usual, she made no sense. First she’d say it was cuz of one reason, then another. You know how she is - jumping from subject to subject, interrupting, contradicting, making no sense, not remembering anything. She didn’t even remember Teddy Bear. She asked if she were Puerto Rican and if I’d written to her, yet if she’d read my mail she’d have known she was a white redhead and that we agreed I’d wait a year before contacting her. I told her I may have sunk my chances, though, by stupidly trusting Mary.

She claims she’s going to send me a doll, though I doubt it. She asked if I could make her new tapes of rap songs and basically surprise her with whatever, so I did. I made her two tapes, using my best judgment as to the songs I chose.

I asked her, and she said she was in jail for 3 months, in a dorm, in Niantic, CT. She said most of the COs, as they’d call them, were jerks. Her charges were assault and battery on this girl and a pig. Naturally, my first instinct was to be totally sick over the fact that someone can beat up two people, one being an oh-so-precious pig, and get just 3 months, while I get 6 for words on paper. But then she told me she also got 2000 hours of community service and I was like - oh my God! In a sense, that’s way worse than what I got. If you’re gonna sit in jail for 3 months, you might as well make it 6 and come home to just 100 hours. She’s damn lucky she didn’t do that out here. If she’d done the same thing here, she’d be looking at years in prison and many, many years of probation. I’ll bet she’d do 3 to 5 in prison, then 5 to 10 years probation with more like 5000 hours of community service. I forgot to ask just how much probation time she had and what her community service work entailed. I know she did it out of the house.

Here’s a classic example of how much stricter Arizona is than Massachusetts. I sent threatening letters and a threatening tape to people in Massachusetts (Larry and Ronnie), yet I never heard a damn thing about it. They probably ignored the stuff and threw it out once they realized what it was since that’s the way people there tend to react, and if any of them did go to the police about it, they were no doubt told not to worry about it. It’s just a voice on a tape and words on paper. I hadn’t done anything.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2001 Went to Circle K this morning for some goodies before I do that diet again. They finally changed their coffee flavors. They had vanilla and mocha for a long time, and now they have Butterfinger and cinnamon. We got delayed by an Am-track train forfuckingever on the way there. It’s hard to believe Maricopa has AM-track. They just built a train station, so I’d say Maricopa’s going to build up as I predicted. We didn’t see any new houses along the way, but it looks like they’re getting ready to pave more of the road about 6 miles from here.

When we got back, we picked some radishes. Tom was brave enough to try one, but as I figured, he hated it. They’re pretty hot, but I like them. After too many, though, my mouth is on fire and I have to eat something to take the bitter taste away.

Nothing going on in back yet, but I have seen a couple of vehicles there today and yesterday.

I decided to fly the rest of my flags one by one till they all wear out. I took down a tattered Tweety bird flag and replaced it with cute Dalmatians.

We also made wire shelves for the rats with the wire that we used to make the pig’s cage. We bought the stuff for the mice, yet it ended up with pigs and rats!

Last night I set up 4 ladies with males for breeding, but I don’t know if I had them together long enough or if they’ll allow themselves to breed. They didn’t seem the least bit interested. They fought the guys like hell.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2001 I got some potentially good news in the mail yesterday that fits with my vibes. My letter to Ida was returned, saying she’s no longer in custody and was released on the 9th. That’s exactly when my bad vibe suddenly went away, which means I was right in assuming that together, she and Mary were bad news had my bear worked during this time. It may be too late and they might’ve trashed me to the bear already, but that’s not what my vibes say. Now that Ida’s gone, if it hasn’t already been done, Mary may feel awkward about trashing me alone. It’s not as fun when you have another person with the same venom towards you trash you along with them. So, unless it was done during the time I had the horrible vibes, which was for about 3 days, I still might see my bear next May. In fact, it appears I may get my cake and eat it too. Meaning, I’ll never again hear from Mary, which would be just fine with me, yet I still get to keep my bear.

Also, I had wondered why it took Ida so long to respond to me when I sent the note two weeks earlier and she’d been with Mary that long. Well, obviously it was so she could be sure to get the last word. At least she was all talk when she said I’d hear from her further. I figured as much, anyway. I mean, what’s she gonna do? Threaten to break my hand for writing the note?

Meanwhile, I’ll keep Mary’s letters and story file till I’m off probation, then I’ll destroy those.

How the fuck did Ida get out of there so fast? She was in on a violation, and violations are supposed to be 3 months. Maybe she bonded out, though I don’t know if violations are bondable.

I forgot to mention that two mornings ago, I saw smoke about 30 feet in front of the rental. I wonder what the hell they could’ve been burning.

I downloaded some e-books, though they’re books I’ve already read, and I’ll have to sit at the computer and read them.

Later…

It’s turned out to be a nice day and I’ve opened the windows. I don’t like smelling horses in here, though I’d rather smell horseshit at home, than farts in jail.

I tried to call Paula yesterday morning and today but she wasn’t in. With my luck, she’ll call over the weekend. I’d really prefer to talk to her without Tom being here. That way I can talk a bit more freely without getting him paranoid about something I might say.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2001 Yesterday, Tom was telling me that he was about 20 pages into my Estrella book and that he suggests I don’t share it with anyone other than him. He said I can’t stop you from doing what you want to do, but things like how you wrote about how Rule told you how to get into Ad-Seg may make people paranoid, etc. He said he doesn’t think I should give it to Teddy Bear or Paula. It’s too late with Paula, but obviously it was okay since nothing bad happened to me for it, but Teddy Bear? I always believed, judging by her personality, that she’d be okay with it and that she wouldn’t tell anyone about it. At least not the wrong people, anyway.

Tom feels journals should never be shared, but to me, anything written away from home is not a journal. It’s more of a story about your adventures away from home, be it being away in jail or in Vegas gambling.

After taking a day to digest this conversation, I said to myself, hey, you need to try to learn to be a bit more independent when it comes to decision-making, as hard and as foreign as that may be. You let him talk you out of writing Palma and a zillion other things, and it’s okay to do what the one you love feels you ought to do, but you need to follow your own head/heart at times, too. I know he means well, I know he isn’t forcing me to do anything, and I know he’s right a lot of the time when he gives me suggestions or advice, but sometimes, I need to do my own thing, even if its results aren’t always very good. Life’s about taking chances. There’s been a lot of times when I was glad I took his advice and there have also been times when I wished I’d taken my own. It’s like sometimes he’s even more paranoid and cautious than even I am. “Do what you want, but I think tearing out and destroying journal pages would be too paranoid,” he told me. And maybe it was, but it’s just as easy for me to say that I can see how could be a bad thing to send copies to Mary, even if there were no N-words or threats in it, but the bear? I don’t know about that one, though her copy would be severely edited.

I still don’t think I’m ever going to see the bear again, but the point is, I’m not going to say yes or no either way as to whether or not I share the story with her. Maybe I will and maybe I won’t. It’s going to be solely up to me with the only influence being herself. Meaning, something she might say/do to convince me either way.

My first thought was to keep it a secret if I did share it with her, but first of all, I never could keep a secret to save my life. My secrets were always discovered one way or another, and secondly, I shouldn’t have to. At nearly 36 years of age my actions, especially to Tom, shouldn’t have to be hidden, explained or made excuses for. I’m always going to do what he suggests I do 8 out of 10 times cuz I love him, know he means well, and trust his judgment, but sometimes I’m going to make my own decisions and do things my own way. Once again, though, I’m not saying either way how I’ll deal with Teddy Bear when it comes to this book. If I ever see her again, we’ll see.

Who knows? I may decide, come May, not to write to her. I wish I could make myself not want to write to her. After being burned time and time again by 9 out of 10 people I’ve had contact with, both on account of my stupidity and my not doing a damn thing to deserve it, you never know what shit she may drag into my life, despite how unlikely that seems. She’s just someone that gives off positive vibes from the get-go. There doesn’t seem to be one ounce of meanness or paranoia in her. I doubt she’d go running to a pig friend, if she’s got any, to type up a threatening letter to her to add to the story, if she got pissed at me. I think that unlike most people, if she was pissed or unhappy with me for any reason, she’d simply ignore me. And that would be the proper thing to do in most cases. She’s never seen the type to get upset easily, though it probably wouldn’t take as much as it’d take Tom. She’s a DO, after all, and you need a little bit of bite to you for that kind of job or else some of those inmates will chew you up and spit you out. Still, unless Tom’s eager to disagree with me for whatever reason, I think he’ll see what I mean if she ever does visit. I wouldn’t count on a visit, though. Especially if I don’t hear anything nice from Mary this week.

If I ever did share the story with the bear, I think that the absolute worst thing that could come of it would be that she wasn’t happy that I wrote about her, even if it was all good, and that she may no longer want to be friends with me.

Early this morning two vehicles showed up in back, but I can’t say how long they were there, what they did, or if anyone else showed up. I was asleep by noon.

Yesterday I scanned my journal covers. Why keep them when I can scan them? I thought. I’m only keeping a few. One specialty journal and two prism-like ones. That’s because those two don’t scan well. They only sparkle with movement.

I wonder - will Scot invite himself over this week?

Later…

I worked on and off throughout the night on my bio. Once I get back on days, I’ll stay that way for a while. I’m tired of rolling, and besides, there’ll be more going on in December (hopefully all good).

I’m up to 1982 in the bio. What am I gonna do when it’s done? I’ll be so damn bored! I already am bored a lot as it is, so what will I do when it’s done? Read and clean?

Better not complain too much. I wouldn’t want God to think I need another adventurous trip to jail to liven things up.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2001 Now the flat trailer and horse trailer are gone, too. Maybe the people connected to all these trailers were just workers living back there while they were doing the house since it’s so far out. Maybe they travel from site to site in the trailer.

I did something rather clever yesterday. I tore Velcro off of an old doll’s dress and replaced the belt tie on my robe by sewing on this Velcro. It stays closed better this way.

Time to go put the nature sounds station on and work on my bio. Not all of the rainy sounds sound good. Some of it sounds like static or like someone rustling papers.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2001 Five and a half months from now I could’ve seen my Teddy Bear, but no. I had to be stupid and let someone go and ruin it for me. It’s gonna be so hard next May, knowing I could be seeing her if it weren’t for my stupidity and someone else’s cruelty.

You’d think Mary would’ve been a bit more empathetic. I mean, she of all people should know what it’s like to lose someone she cares about. Then again, maybe she didn’t care. Maybe she wasn’t at work. Maybe she was right there all along with him. And maybe I had her all wrong in that department. She fooled me in others, after all.

Anyway, it was yesterday that I noticed that the trailer was gone. There were a lot of workers over there, though. Remember, this is an old piece of shit so the setup will take more work. Now I’m not sure if those trailer freeloaders are going to live there or not. Maybe not and maybe that’s why my bad vibes subsided so quickly. But still, that place has “freeloaders” written all over it and there’s nothing to say that whoever does end up in the thing won’t be a problem. That’s okay, though. I can be a problem right back.

I still think that yes, having the same old thing every day does get boring, but I should’ve stuck out that last diet regimen I was on a little longer. It was working without leaving me starving my ass off. Sooner or later I’d have had to have started shitting. I couldn’t have stayed stuck forever. As soon as my body realized it wasn’t going to get 1500 or more calories a day, it would’ve adapted, and it’s not like I’d have had the same old stuff forever. Maybe I just didn’t give it enough time. The plan I had wasn’t all that terrible as far as variety goes. Having a cucumber and a can of peaches would be my fruits and veggies. I’d get my protein with a packet of corned beef, then I’d have the potatoes and pudding. All this would be slightly over 1000 calories a day, excluding gum. If I kept this up for a few months, with the exception of one day a week to indulge, I’d have to lose weight. My body couldn’t possibly hold its weight on that, even if I were stuck every other day.

I had major variety yesterday, including beans, yet I’m stuck again. Besides, due to my lack of willpower, having too much variety around tempts me to have a little of this, then a little of that. Next thing I know I’ve had too much.

I’m just not sure if I want to do this next week or wait till after the New Year, what with all the treats the holidays bring. Also, I strongly vibed, even before Mary stole my bear from me, that I wouldn’t be seeing the bear before Christmas.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2001 I finally heard from Paula. I figured giving her the silent treatment would prompt a letter from her, but I have mixed emotions about writing back and calling her (she has a phone now). It’s easy to say it’s best not to bother spending money on stamps/calls to her. Especially with the way I’ve been burned time after time, but you know what? I’ve known Paula for 17 years and she hasn’t burned me yet. Plus, I want to question her more about her charges and experiences in jail just out of curiosity.

She asked for my number and enclosed a hideous picture of herself. She really got big! She’s 165 pounds. She was usually around 120 when we were neighbors. Her hair is between her shoulders and tits. Tom’s going to take a picture of me to send to her, as she requested.

She’s still dating this married black cop and this married Hispanic pig. She too, likes the uniform. Only difference is I lost my babe in uniform while she gets to keep hers. Hell, I didn’t even get to make it with my uniform in the first place!

She’s still in that apartment in Chicopee and says she yelled at her noisy neighbor. Yeah, that’s what you do in the east. Out here, you’re expected to sit back and take their shit, and God help you if you do complain!

She has a white Chevy Cavalier now and will move in April.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2001 It’s only 73° in the house right now and 54° outside. It’ll definitely be in the 60s in here and the 40s out there come 6:00.

Tom visited with Mom, Mary and Dave. Mom gave me $20 to get a treat. I guess that was for the lemon drops I gave her. I think I’ll spend it at Walgreens over his next vacation. I could use more perfume and more sparkly lip gloss. I got raspberry last time, so I think I’ll go for watermelon or vanilla next time. I wouldn’t mind a new puzzle to two, either.

I really look forward to December and January, God forbid some freeloaders, or anyone else, fuck it up for me. I’m looking forward to going out and doing fun things, getting Christmas gifts (hey I’m just as spoiled when it comes to that as I was as a kid getting Hanukah gifts!) and fencing the property. Also, I look forward to getting an MP3-CD changer. I’ll re-rip my CDs as MP3s instead of waves, then I’ll make CDs of them in MP3 format. That’ll fill about 3 CDs (the one I looked at holds 5). Then, as I gather new songs, I’ll put them on rewritables in regular audio CD format till I fill those 2 CDs. Once full, I’ll burn them as MP3s. That way I won’t have to wait till I get around 250 songs, which is what a CD with songs in MP3 format will hold.

I’m also hoping to get a palm tree or something to fill the empty dining corner. Perhaps in January, there’ll be some good sales. I don’t have much hope of getting a doll or a new rat cage, though.

Later…

I was just browsing online when I came across this book. It’s about a former inmate that like me, kept a day-to-day account of her 6 months in jail. Only she was in the tents. She describes the horseshoe to a T (the intake area where I waited 16 hours to go to Estrella). Like me, she didn’t “fit in.” She wasn’t your typical criminal, in other words. She talks about how Arpaio’s crazy, out to boost his career, and how he wanted to cut a meal to “save the taxpayers money.” Meanwhile, this is supposed to be donated food. I’ll bet her story doesn’t end like mine did where a DO she likes definitely likes her back! Ha, ha. Anyway, it’s interesting, though it’s just the prologue and first chapter I could read. For $17 you can get all 21 chapters.

Later…

Tom installed a new online radio for me. It not only displays the artist and song titles, but it has a wider variety of music. I’ve never even heard of some of this stuff! It also makes its own toolbar, so I can always see the artist/title, even while I’m typing this. With the other one, I’d have to switch windows. It also allows me to see what’s playing on other radio stations before I even tune into them. There’s even a nature sound station. On one track I could hear the ocean, birds chirping, and wind chimes. Then there were storms, whales, rain, etc.

I forgot to mention that when Tom was at Ma’s, they ended up discussing Pepper. Tom told them I want him, and that we plan to put up fences and a doggie door. That way, if we don’t get their dog (which would only be because there’d be some other dog they wanted more), we can get some other dog.

Little Buddy gets more and more playful. He loves to come out and run around. Loves to chase me up and down the house and climb on me to see if he can get treats. He’s not just playful, he’s so loving and a real people rat!

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2001 Yes, it got a little chilly in here last night. Down to 72°, and it’s gonna get chillier tonight. It only made it up to 77° in here today. I’m trying to wear warmer clothing before I turn on the heat (though I will turn it on if it drops below 70°) for the sake of saving money.

Tom should be home anytime now. It’ll be interesting to see if he brings any jail mail for me, though I doubt it. It’s been nearly a month now since I heard from Mary. I still say my first guess is that I won’t hear from her, the second’s that she’ll send me a “fuck you” letter, and lastly, she’ll tell me everything’s fine. Maybe she even got into it with Ida. It seems less likely, though, that she’d get into it with her as easily as I did since she’s more tolerant. Mary can sleep through anything, so she wouldn’t mind if Ida was up bopping around the room at 7 AM. I doubt they’d fight over how much of the vent was blocked, either.

Looking at it from Teddy Bear’s perspective, she’s certainly going to be pissed to find out I told someone in that jail that we liked each other. I myself personally, would not be, but most people would be. Knowing how overly cautious and professional the bear is, she’d definitely drop me like a hot potato if anything was said to her.

Worries, stresses, worries, stresses! And all for the wrong people! I mean, here I am, worrying my ass off about what these fucking low-life, scum-sucking inmates may say. Fuck that shit! I need to move on, with or without my bear.

As far as not hearing from Mary goes… ordinarily, I’d say no news was good news. Yes, I’d be happy not to hear from her, but that’d only convince me all the more that she bashed me to the bear. Should I really bother to write the bear next May? Should I bother sending a letter I know won’t get answered?

Later…

True to vibed, there was no word from jail. Don’t let my logic/vibes jump the gun, Tom urged me, telling me that if I don’t hear from the bear again, it could be for a million reasons and not necessarily cuz of Mary or Ida. She could get a better job opportunity, the county could lay her off, she could have to leave the state on a family emergency, they could have a policy in February stating that all personal mail will be returned, etc.

This is true, but what are the chances of any of those things happening as opposed to Mary and Ida ruining things for me?

Tom seems to be more empathetic about this than I thought he’d be. He even promised to help me see if I could find her online when it gets closer.

Although I hope not, maybe Tom’s right when he suggested that just like with Rosa, our time was meant to be brief, and not an introduction to a whole ‘nother chapter in life. Maybe she was just destined to help me get through that place, and she sure did! Just like my heart would pound with happy, excited anticipation when I’d be called for visits, it would when I’d see she was on, too. She totally made my night when she was on. When she was on, I knew everything would be ok. She made the time fly. An hour’s visit with Tom felt like 10 minutes, and 8 hours with Teddy Bear felt like just a couple of hours. Palma never made my nights like she did.

I don’t know what to think at this point. My vibes say everything’s cool as far as the bear goes, but logic says it isn’t. I know firsthand how spiteful people can be and over the dumbest things, too.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2001 I’m up 2 pounds, and if I don’t shit soon, this last week of dieting’s gonna be a total waste.

Since Dave, like most guys, is dumb and useless around the house, Tom’s hoping he can comp a deal with Mary. Mary mentioned wanting to put up a couple of ceiling fans in her house. Well, if Tom mentions that we do too, perhaps she’ll buy us the fans for his installing them for her.

Later…

Well, that’s good that I finally took a dump, but now I have to relose those 2 pounds, so that set me back a day or two. Then again, what’s the hurry? Teddy Bear will never see me again, Tom loves/accepts me no matter what, so I may as well go at a leisurely pace and not push it. Or maybe I’ll dump dieting altogether. We’ll see.

There have been no changes in back. APS still hasn’t powered up the place. I’m like - just get the power going, get in the damn house, have your “housewarming” party that we all have to hear about and get it over with.

It’s going to be cold in here tonight. It never even hit 80° inside the house or 75° outside.

Anyway, if I’m right about losing the bear, come next week with still no word from Mary, I’ll know it. I doubt she’d have the nerve to write to me to tell me all about it. I still don’t think I’ll ever hear from her again, and that if I do, it won’t be to say anything nice. My bad vibes are still down, but there’s still no reason to assume I’ll see the bear next May. Besides, it isn’t just Mary. I have another enemy in that place and one of them, if not both, had to have said something to her. I don’t think they both could’ve kept their big mouths shut.

I’m getting over my never seeing the bear again little by little, day by day.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2001 The Brown Man died last night. Tom’s out cremating him now so he doesn’t attract maggots. We don’t bother to bury mice anyway. I just dread finding out just how many of these females are pregnant. And right after I finally segregated them without fucking up. It would’ve been too early to start breeding had I seen Teddy Bear next spring, but now I have no reason to breed at all. I have enough mice for myself.

It’s vet’s day today, so if Mary hasn’t gotten my last letter yet, she will tomorrow.

Bad vibes pertaining to behind us and at the jail have subsided greatly, but I don’t know why. Maybe Mary was planning to trash me, but then chilled out and decided this shit wasn’t worth fighting over. Or maybe I just don’t give a shit, since I resolved to not let anyone from jail get to me, and since I already resigned myself to the fact that I lost the bear. As are all things, it’s in God’s hands. If he wants the bear to visit next May, she will. If he doesn’t, she won’t.

Another thing is that if I end up getting yanked out of this house again and dragged into the city, then that’s where I’ll stay. If I’m meant to live in the city, I will. I’m not gonna have it be where sometimes I live here, sometimes I don’t.

I also won’t do a damn thing as far as working out and dieting goes. I’m starting to see a real difference again as far as muscle goes, and if I’m gonna be forced to lose all I’ve worked for again, I’m not starting over for the third time. I’m either all or nothing in this department, too. People should either always work out or just not bother. Working out on and off makes no sense. It’s just a waste.

I’m still 117 pounds, though, cuz I’m still stuck. If I’m having this much trouble at 117, there’s no way I’ll get even close to 105. In fact, I don’t think I’m going to lose anymore. I’ll still stick to the 1000-calorie diet, though, now that I found an easy way to do it. This way I’ll be sure never to go over 120 again. It’s just awfully sad that I can’t lose more than 7 pounds on such a low-calorie diet. If I were in my 20s, I’d already be 105, and if I continued on at the rate I’m going, I’d be emaciated in no time.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2001 I finally forced myself to work out after having a good cry after Tom went to bed. I’m up to about 880 calories so far. I doubt I’ll crack 1000 today. I’d only be at 580 if it weren’t for the weekly sampler pack I get of 4 wonderful, sugary, flavored coffees. Carmel, vanilla, mocha, and something called Straight-up Latte.

Later…

I’m still 117 pounds. I’ve been on the diet for a week and losing 7 pounds in one week is still good. Now’s when it’s going to get tough and slow down. I’m already stuck.

Last night I began to feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still undo my stupidity of trusting Mary and take my bear back in a heartbeat, but I can’t. What’s done is done and I put my foot down and decided not to be miserable over this shit day after day. I’ll be damned if I’ll let any inmates put the same stress on me in my own home that they put on me when I was stuck there with them. Mary G and Ida F are not going to bring me down. They stole any chances I might have had of having some kind of friendship, relationship or both with Teddy Bear, but they’re not going to take any more from me. Enough is enough. There, I couldn’t just ignore those who bothered me, but here I can. There are no vents to connect us, there’s no nothing to connect us.

I’ll still respond to any non-nasty letters I may be surprised with from Mary, but Ida will not hear from me no matter what she says.

My first guess is that I’ll never hear from Mary again. My second guess is that she’ll send me a letter bitching all about how I “used” her as if asking her to do something I told her she didn’t have to do is using her in the first place. If she hasn’t already, tomorrow’s the likely day she’ll trash me to the bear. Especially if she’s on her usual Monday M Dorm routine lately, and if Mary hasn’t gotten my “let’s be friends” letter, which still may not necessarily help things. People hold grudges. And for the dumbest things, too. And this is right after she contradicted me too, saying she wouldn’t give the address out to anyone, and how we got screwed by the government and the rest are criminals.

Anyway, the bear was never really mine to lose and I’m not gonna dwell on it. Yes, I’ll still write to her. Yes, I’ll miss her. Yes, I’ll always wonder about her, but she will live forever in my heart and memory. I will always cherish the memories of the brief time we had together. I will always appreciate and be grateful to her for going out of her way for me. She went beyond the call of duty and she really was my jailhouse guardian angel. I loved her with all my heart, though I’ll never really get the chance to know her, and I always will.

My bad vibes have backed off a little more, but I still have every reason to believe I’ll never see the bear again until and unless proven differently.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2001 This is the most I’ve cried since I’ve been home. Each day it gets easier, but it’s going to take a while. I can’t believe I even bothered to respond to Mary’s first letter in the first place and that these people are still causing problems/stress for me on the outs! I don’t have to live with these people anymore (thank God) yet they’re still pissing me off and making me miserable. Fuck that shit! And fuck you Mary G and Ida F for fucking me out of my bear!!!

I keep trying to tell myself over and over again like a broken record how I’d be better off not seeing the bear anyway, that she’d have only ended up burning me, that there’s a lot of good to not seeing her again, but you know what? I’m not very good at lying to myself. Yes, there is some good to this, I’m sure, and perhaps it really is all for the better, but it still hurts. And there’s no way to fix this mess, either. I lost the bear cuz I asked Mary to do something she didn’t want to do, and now all I can do is move on and hope they don’t make any more trouble for me. Costing me my bear is one thing, but costing me my freedom is another. I still don’t see that happening, but you just never know. Anything could cause anyone to end up in jail in this state. Last night I was plagued with dreams of being a jail, being told by some nameless, faceless DO that the press was eating me alive, but I don’t know that this is necessarily a warning of trouble to come. I’ve had these kinds of dreams on and off ever since I’ve been home.

I realize more and more that Mary’s not getting out of there anytime soon. I think she’ll be there 6 more months to a year. Maybe even longer.

I haven’t had the energy to work out or much of an appetite. In fact, I stayed at 117 pounds because I only ate a few bites of macaroni on top of that burger and blizzard yesterday. Having backstabbers snatch from you someone you love and are attracted to does that to you.

Words can’t express just how glad I am we don’t have a kid. Not just because life would suck all the more with having to deal with the expense and demands of a kid on top of everything else, but I would’ve hated to have to level with the kid about life and all that. I’d have had to tell her or him, don’t believe anything anyone says. Don’t put your trust in anyone. God help you if you make an enemy, for they won’t just walk away. They’ll bring you down on their way out of your life.

How depressing as well as true, huh?

I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that although I doubt Teddy Bear will call in a mad frenzy about this shit if she does, I’m going to let her know up front that if she harms me anyway simply because she’s pissed off at me, I will take legal action against her.

Another thing I’ve lost is the time she might’ve filled. Visiting with Teddy Bear would’ve given me more to do and filled more of my time since there’s only so much I can do sitting at home. I’d still rather be bored here than sitting in jail, but even so, I’ve lost so much. As long as she didn’t meet anyone in the meantime, I’ve lost so damn much. And all for asking a simple little favor of someone I’d done so much for. I can’t believe the selfishness in this world! You do for me but don’t dare ask me to do for you. That’s how so many people are.

I said I had had a bad vibe for the 3rd - well - those freeloaders arriving and my losing the bear is awfully close to the 3rd.

I ask myself - would Ida tell her PO to tell mine that I wrote her when she wrote me, too? Yes, she would. She would, even though it’d mean sinking her own ass as well. People will bring their own selves down to bring others down. The freeloader gave up a free house for me. They thought I was that worth it. So why not do more jail time for me, too? Mary, on the other hand, has nothing to lose, since she’s going to be in jail for years. Even if a year or two more was added to her sentence, it wouldn’t matter. She’s got enough years to do as it is that one or two more won’t really make a difference.

Worries, worries, worries! God, please don’t let Mary and Ida trash me to the bear!

Oh, like he really cares? He had me send the letter to Bill when I did for a reason - to get me into jail. So he’s going to have Mary trash me for a reason, too. I only hope it isn’t to go back to jail! Just cuz I’m bored a lot lately doesn’t mean I want to fill my time with adventures that aren’t very fun. I’ve had enough negative excitement in my life. I really thought Tammy would laugh at Bill for getting a letter like he did from me. I didn’t realize she was still so in love with him, but she is one of those who falls in love with abusive men. So, even though he was abusive to her and the kids, she’s still gonna jump to defend him.

I thought Teddy Bear and I met for a reason - to be with each other even if it was only on occasion. But now I see that it was only God teasing me into thinking I could have her. Just like he’s teased me before with a million other things. How could I have been dumb enough to believe that after 35 years I’d have a woman like her in my life, part-time or not? If it wasn’t meant to be in the past, why would it be meant to be now? And yes, I believe God used my stupidity and Mary’s vindictiveness to take the bear away from me. Things happen for a reason.

Oh, Teddy Bear, I’m so so sorry for trusting that bitch!

If this shit hadn’t happened, I’d be so thrilled if she called me now, but now, if she called me, I’d be like - oh, no! All she’d do is tell me how pissed off she was and not to write to her. Then I’d tell her I was sorry for my poor judgment call and that in the meantime, if you don’t like me, don’t have anything to do with me. Don’t shit on me either. Just go away.

Then she’d be nothing more than just a memory to me.

Later…

I worked some more on my bio since I’ll never have any more typing to do for Mary, nor any proofreading to do for Teddy Bear. Yes, I’m down to having just one project, other than the usual household chores I do, along with my hobbies, and just two appointments a month. Wow, huh? Lucky me. Now if I could just be surprised with a letter from Mary saying all’s cool, or a response to my letter from the bear in May, life would be even better. But neither of these things are going to happen, so I best just deal with it, get on with life and get over it. It’s just that I can’t control the pace at which I do this. I wish I could speed things up, but I can’t. Slowly my wounds will heal, but slowly. Meanwhile, 10 years from now I wouldn’t be surprised if I found myself wondering whatever became of my tall, redheaded jailhouse guardian angel that I came to love and never got to know. I’ll never even know if that R really does stand for Rebecca or Rachel.

Lo siento y ich liebe dich, my sweet Teddy Bear.

At least I can ask Tom for favors like spraying the outsides of the doors to keep the spiders out, without him turning on me.

I haven’t even had 700 calories today and I’m not the least bit hungry. I wish it could be like this every day, minus the anxiety and depression.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2001 I’m doing wonderful. My stomach’s in a knot, my lungs are tight, my heart’s pounding with anxiety, and I’m madder than hell (at least I’m down to 117 pounds). Damn you, Ida, for starting this shit! That woman has caused me more stress and misery than even Melinda and Nancy. And damn Mary for turning against me all for asking her to do me a simple little favor she could’ve said no to. If she gave my address and God knows what else to Ida, she’ll certainly trash me to Teddy Bear. That’s the problem with people who decide they don’t like you anymore. They don’t just drop you. They fuck you over.

Anyway, I decided that if a little ass-kissing may save me my bear, I’d do it. So, after thinking about it for a while, I decided that even though my gut instincts about Mary are probably right, perhaps I was jumping the gun and assuming too much. So, I wrote her saying I was very sorry if I upset her, her friendship means a lot to me, I’d still like to help her with her book…

That way, if she was planning on telling/showing letters to the bear, it may change her mind, unless she’s already done it. If she’s done it already, it’s too late, I lost the bear, there’s nothing I can do about it, etc. If I can butter her back up, though, it may prevent her from doing anything stupid that’d cost me my bear. I’d like to believe she wouldn’t trash me after all I’ve done for her like typing up her story, making her birthday cards, sending inspirational letters and all that, but people are that mean. They truly are. And Ida’s no doubt egging her on, influencing her to shit on me if she hasn’t already done it herself.

Unless I’m surprised with a letter from Mary letting me know she’s still cool with me, I’m going to put a hold on proofreading any more of the bear’s copy. I’ll still send a letter to her on the first of May, but I’ll know not to expect a response. If Mary shows her the stuff I’ve written about her, even though it’s all good, there’s no way she’s going to trust me enough to want to associate with me in any way. Damn me for trusting Mary! If I get thrown back in that place on account of her or Ida, they’re dead. If I can get my hands on them, they’re so so very dead.

Also, if I should be miraculously blessed with a letter saying things are okay from Mary, I’ll play nice at least till I write the bear. Hopefully, she’ll get the fuck out of there soon enough! If Mary hasn’t already made up her mind to dump me, I still intend to dump her. I’ll just slowly fade away with time. For now, though, if I hear back from her in a good way, I’ll write less and I’ll write shorter letters, keeping all other people out of it save for Tom.

If Teddy Bear surprises me by calling me this month, it’ll be to chew me out. “How could you send anyone that shit?!” she’d say.

How could I have been so stupid?

Anyway, I gotta go see the cheeks (fortunately I don’t have jail vibes), then I’ll get my weekly treat at Dairy Queen. However, with the way my stomach’s so queasy with fear, anxiety, paranoia and depression, I may not be able to enjoy it all that much.

I bawled my eyes out last night knowing I’ll never see that face again. Never hear her voice. Never get to hug/kiss her or anything more. Now I’m not only left to wonder what would’ve happened my last night there with her if Misha hadn’t been around but I’m also left to forever wonder exactly what would’ve happened between us. I’ll still try to breed various mice, though I know her being a closed chapter in my life is for a reason. Things happen for a reason, so I’ll just have to accept that God must’ve had good reasons for using Mary and Ida to intercept our impending visit. I don’t know, maybe it would’ve gotten harder and harder to say goodbye each time I saw her. I’ll be sad for a while, but I’ll get over her. It just may take 2-3 years, but the lust part of it would’ve died anyway with time, regardless of how well we got along.

Later…

Tom just went to bed even though it’s early. That’s cuz he’s been going to work earlier these last few days.

We were in and out of Scot’s, then off to Dairy Queen, where I managed to scarf down a double cheeseburger and a blizzard. I still have some of the blizzard left, and as always, I gave some to Little Buddy.

Oh, Scot said he mailed the county a progress report on me like he’s supposed to do every 6 months. God, I feel like a kid all over again with these little report cards! My only worry with that is that they see I finished my community service, they see I finished with Helen, but what do they do when they see I’m not “working?” Well, once again, my life’s been altered enough over this shit and I’m not about to rearrange any more of it. I’d love a home job, so if they think they can find a convicted felon a home job, and if they want me to work, let them find me that job.

They’ve been booming again, although they must be further away this time because the booms are softer. Not enough to wake me up.

I’ve been hearing the weirdest sounds lately. Sounds that sound just like car doors, though I never see any cars moving, and I know I couldn’t possibly hear car doors from in back or next door. So, I don’t know what it is I’m hearing, but I swear they are car doors. I wonder if this should worry me, though everything has me paranoid, if not worried, these days.

Dan’s people have a better view of all 3 rentals cuz they can see the backs of the houses which sit side by side. Driving by Dan’s and looking past at the rentals, I was shocked to see just how far apart they are. They must be a couple of hundred feet apart, but seeing them from here all lined up makes you think they’re closer.

I’m a lot depressed and a little worried. I mean, I don’t see how what I wrote could get me thrown back in jail as long as Scot doesn’t get wind of it. I never used “racial slurs” or threats of any kind, but I did mention names and I wrote about those people, the stupid fool I am! And once my bear learns about it, she’ll be pissed and completely turned off. Just the fact that I wrote about her is all it’ll take. Why did I open up to this bitch and put my trust in her, someone who has years and years to do in jail with nothing to lose? Like Tom said, what am I gonna do? Threaten her? And with what? Telling her auntie Carolyn what a two-faced, phony, lying, back-stabbing asshole she is? Maybe she is guiltier than I thought as far as her kids go, too. Just the fact that she gave Ida the note and gave her the address tells me something right there; that she’s turned on me. And instead of telling herself, well, I really shouldn’t put Johnson on the spot and embarrass her in any way, she will. She’ll spite my bear to spite me if it’ll cost me my seeing her next May.

I ask myself, though, would someone really get pissed at my asking them to slip a note.

Yes. Yes, they would. Look how the freeloaders took my asking them to turn their fucking stereo down, and remember, that’s what started this whole chain of events in the first place; me asking them to lower their music. I don’t know why, but simple little reasonable requests really do set people off. Especially out west. And out west, when someone gets pissed off at you, they drag others into it just to fuck you over all the more. They don’t have the balls to face you directly and keep things between them and you. And how could she feel “used?” I mean, I don’t know for sure that she does. That could be just Ida talking, but if she feels used by my asking something like that, I should feel incredibly used for being asked to type up page after page of her life story! If she felt used, upset or pissed in any way about my request, couldn’t she have told me so herself? I told her she never had to do anything she didn’t want to do, so what’s the big deal? Is there more to this than I know of? I know a lot of it is Ida’s influence. Mary’s a very suggestive, gullible person. That’s why I hope my letter insisting I didn’t mean to offend anyone and that I want our friendship to work out will convince her to at least not trash me to Teddy Bear and drag her into this shit. She doesn’t need or deserve that.

If I don’t hear from her, or if I get a letter that’s not the least bit nice, I won’t bother writing to her ever again, but I’ll still take a shot at my bear next May, even though I know it’ll be useless. If I do get a letter from her saying everything’s cool, I’ll write to her to keep her from spiting me, but will write much fewer and much shorter letters. If I dump her without being dumped first before May, she could turn on me for that alone.

I keep trying to tell myself that everything will be okay and that I don’t know for sure that Mary’s turned on me and that I lost the bear, but I had to have. Her giving Ida what she gave her tells me that. Plus, I haven’t heard from her since they’ve been cellies. So, if Mary can give Ida the note and the address and tell Palma I had a crush on her, why not show the bear the stuff I was stupid enough to send?

How could I have been so trusting as to open up to this person?! Ugh!!! I swear I’ll never trust another human being again other than Tom. I’m not even going to write Palma, Pérez and Espi, regardless of whether or not I hear from the bear.

I’m just glad I don’t have to go this shit alone, although Tom doesn’t seem overly empathetic about the damn good possibility of me losing the bear. Maybe deep down he’s glad. Of course, I know that if I don’t get a response from her next May, it could be for some other reason. I highly doubt it, though. If I don’t hear from her, I’d say there’d be an 80% chance it was cuz of Mary and Ida. It really pisses me off but mostly bums me out to think I’ll never see my Teddy Bear again. Although my bad vibes have backed off a bit about the freeloaders in back, I’d rather they pummel these walls with base every day than lose my bear.

I’d also rather lose her than go back to jail, and I still do worry about that, as much as it seems unlikely. It’s just that that’s what I thought a year ago, too. I’d go to court, and be told I was to receive extra probation time only to find out 5 minutes prior to sentencing that I was to do months in jail. I was never kidding when I said that something up there had an obsession with me being stuck in all different places I didn’t want to be. It was like I was being teased and punished for living here and like the city didn’t want to let me go. Something up there also loves for me to worry my ass off over nothing, so let’s hope that’s all this is. But what am I gonna do? Worry my ass off about something every 6 months? That’s no way to live. This stress, anxiety, paranoia, and depression is no way to live.

All I can do is just try to look at the good as a way of helping me to get over her. I feel less pressured to lose weight since, after all, I did tell her I was going to lose weight. I don’t have to bother trying to breed certain mice, not that I’ve had much luck with that anyway. Perhaps it’s all for the better that we don’t see each other. I’d certainly rather have a full-time relationship with my husband than a part-time one with any woman. It makes no sense that God would connect us like he did and have us fall for each other, but it does. Meaning, I’ve never had a woman I was into this much, so why would I now? If one wasn’t meant to be up till now, why would it be meant to be now, part-time or not?

Anyway, now it’s just a matter of sitting back, trying to relax as best I can, and hope for the best. Hope that whether or not I hear from Mary, I don’t get in trouble and I hear from my bear come what May.

Later…

My bad freeloader vibes have backed off considerably and my bad bear vibes have backed off a little. But only a microscopic bit. I still have every reason to believe I lost her. And I lost her all for asking Mary to slip someone a note that she didn’t want to slip.

What burns me up is that like with the freeloaders and most everyone else that’s ever fucked me over in any way, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. There’s just no fighting back. I also don’t believe in dragging innocent people into feuds. Why involve her aunt in this? She didn’t do anything. I could’ve been meaner than hell and dragged Larry Jr. into my dispute with his sick father, but I didn’t. I know it really would’ve hurt like hell too, for him to hear things like - you murdered your son just like you yourself said - etc.

I can’t picture Teddy Bear being spiteful in the way that most people are, but would she go further than just not having anything to do with me? Would she contact Scot herself? Would she call and bitch me out, telling me to forget about writing to her next year? Or would she be pissed, then be chilled out by May, finding my letter too sweet to resist responding to?

Fat chance on that last one!

Just how closely do the mailroom people read letters? If they spotted DO’s names would they still give the letter to Mary? Or would they themselves find a way to bring it to the bear’s attention?

Anyway, unless Scot contacts me about this shit, it’s going to be 2-3 weeks before I know for sure what’s going on. I mean, there’s still a chance that Mary just may, after all, drop me without dragging Teddy Bear into this, but I highly doubt it.

Sooner or later, I’m going to get over Teddy Bear, but it hurts. It really hurts. To know I’ll never see her, never learn her name, never learn about her, never hug her, never give her any mice, never show her this house, never see her house, and yes, never have sex. I know it would’ve come to that as long as she wasn’t with anyone she met during the year. But like I said before, I never made it with someone I was this attracted to in the past, so why would I now? That always seemed to be totally forbidden to me. Just not in the cards at all.

Sooner or later Mary’s not going to be a witness anymore and the DOC has to come and get her, regardless of what state she’ll be in, but not soon enough. Nowhere near soon enough. Even her getting out of there in 3 weeks isn’t fast enough because the bear usually works there once every week or two (although Mary said she hadn’t worked there in weeks). Teddy Bear may not work M Dorm till 3 weeks from now, but I know Mary will be there then and whether or not she’s with Ida, she’ll trash me then. It’ll be worse, though, if she is with Ida. They’d feel much more comfortable trashing me together since they’re both pissed at me than they would if they were separated. Not that separation would change things. They’ll still fuck me over. Especially Mary. It’s just that she may do it a bit more gently if she doesn’t have Ida right there cheering her on.

What’s done is done, though, and what’s fated to be is going to be. If I’m not meant to have the bear in my future, I won’t. God’s not going to let me have what he doesn’t want me to have. Period. I just wish he didn’t let the bear and I mount to what we did if he doesn’t want us to be a part of each other’s lives! It’s like - why have me crying over not being able to have a kid from 1994-1997 if he knew he didn’t want me having one?

If only I could be wrong, though! I don’t see how there could be a chance of that, but oh how nice it’d be to get a letter from Mary saying she was never mad at me, yes we’re still friends, no I haven’t shown any of your stuff to anyone.

Here’s another question I have: could she two-face me by bullshitting me by saying everything’s cool, yet trash me to the bear behind my back? I think that, in a sense, would be even worse; having her be all lovey-dovey in her letters all the while she’s laughing her ass off, fucking me over behind my back!

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2001 In between my final run-through of the bear’s copy, I began my autobiography.

Now that I don’t have a zillion appointments and have completed most of my writing and household projects, I find myself getting bored here and there. I’d rather that, though, than be overwhelmed with being in jail or having a zillion freeloader-related appointments. Even non-freeloader-related appointments can get to be a bit much after a while.

I did a little rearranging of the walls earlier. After 2 years, even a rather pleasant arrangement can get old, so I swapped some pictures within a few of the rooms.

Still no music in back cuz they’re not in the house yet.

It’s already coming up on 1:00 and I haven’t had to kick the AC on yet. It’s gorgeous out. I’ve got windows open in all the rooms but his office, the den, and the retreat. Actually, I shut the kitchen window cuz the sun is on its way back there. Early this morning it was quite chilly in here. We’re getting closer to needing the heat.

I’m still accumulating a few scattered songs off the web that I had trouble finding for a while. The original plan was to get either a CD changer or an MP3 player with my birthday and Christmas money, but as I told Tom, it’d be nice to do everything via computer. The only bitch about that would be having to deal with turning the monitor on and off since I don’t like rocking out with lights on at night. Also, switching from song to song may be a bit of a bitch. That’d depend on how big my list was, I guess. I’d probably alphabetize them. I’d have it hooked up to the stereo because although MP3s are small, they do take up space when you have hundreds of them. When using the regular computer, like when I’m writing letters or something like that, I listen to online radio stations to listen for new songs I like. With an MP3 player, I certainly could change my playlists around a lot easier, whereas with CDs, it’s not like I could rearrange the tracks anytime I felt like it.

Tom’s going to hit some stores and check into the prices of MP3 players and CD changers, and find out what they entail. Like, do they have a way of indexing what songs are where? If they’re not going to be any more convenient than a computer, I won’t bother. I’ll spend the money on other things like maybe a palm tree for the empty corner in the dining area, a doll, new rat cage…

I’m 118 pounds today. I would’ve been really shocked if I hadn’t gone down some more. Tomorrow I’ll go up a couple of pounds because it’ll be my day to indulge in a burger and some ice cream and maybe even a single bag of popcorn. I miss reading with popcorn. I haven’t been reading at all. I think I’ll have Tom pick me up some celery stalks and some cucumbers to munch on while I read this Saturday when he does the grocery shopping. The freeloaders have altered our grocery shopping schedule a bit. The first two Fridays of the month aren’t convenient for him to go grocery shopping cuz those are the days I see The Cheeks. Therefore, he goes on Saturday.

Anyway, I’m so sick of potatoes! I’m going to drop to just one package of potatoes a day, and also have a small box of pudding, a banana and a package of corned beef. This way I’ll have a better variety, and better to munch on a 14-calorie celery stalk, as boring as it is, and a 21-calorie cucumber, than a 300-calorie bowl of popcorn while reading.

I decided to do one more schedule rollover. Then, although my senses don’t sense my Teddy Bear in the near future, I’ll be prepared and ready for her should she jump out and surprise me with a pre-Christmas call, using my making-up cards for her as an excuse. I’ll also be set for the vacation he plans to take throughout the week of my birthday. We’re going to go play miniature golf and hit Game Works, too. It’s not eating at Red Lobster and shopping at malls for dolls, books, and clothes, but it’ll be a fun break from the usual routine. I’m looking forward to it.

Later…

Got a surprise in the mail from Ida, of all people, and what she said makes me wonder if I can trust Mary and if I should bother associating with her. The letter was only a few sentences. She says: No, Mary didn’t slip me your “nasty” note. She handed it to me since we’ve been cellies for 2 weeks. I’ll be out there again shortly and you will hear further from me then. Why did you use Mary like that, you coward?

So, in my reply I wrote: I hope you know that my intentions weren’t to be “nasty.” I was just being a smart-ass by saying shame on you for being in there, etc., and as I’m sure Mary knows, I wasn’t using her. I just wanted to play a little joke on you. You know how I was with my little pranks. I’m glad to hear you and Mary are cellies. You can share this with her.

Truthfully, Ida, I don’t care what you’ve done in the past or in the present to get in there. I like you, you’re an interesting person, and you were a good celly (even if we clashed at times), I just don’t think we should get together on the outs. You’re welcome to write me all you want, though.

Anyway, it’s ok that Mary gave her the note (which was not nasty in the least) and that Ida wrote to me, but here’s what worries me about Mary. It bugs me to know that she went against my wishes and simply handed it to her. It also makes me question just how trustworthy she is to know she gave Ida our address, even if it’s just the PO Box. Yes, I gave Ida the address before I got out, but she wouldn’t have had it with her in jail, she certainly wouldn’t have remembered it, which means Mary, who swore she wouldn’t give it out, had to have given it to her.

Tom said not to jump the gun and assume too much, and perhaps I am being paranoid, but I don’t know. There’s just something about the whole thing that really bothers me and I think it’d be best to hope she never writes to me again and for me not to write to her again. I’m not supposed to be in contact with those with records, anyway.

My only worry is Mary or Ida saying anything to Teddy Bear. Or worse, showing her my mail! I haven’t said anything wrong/illegal and I’d hope that if they did try to turn Teddy Bear against me she’d know better, but that’d be up to her should they open their mouths. There’s nothing I can do from here but hope she’s not involved in this and that Ida doesn’t do something like tell her PO when she gets out to tell my PO that we’ve had contact. Then again, where’s the law that says I can’t write to others in jail? I think this do-not-associate-with-those-with-records thing pertains to those who are on the outs.

Tentatively, I’m just going to quietly go away. Then, if I do hear from either one of them, I’ll decide how to handle it then.

Later…

The more I think about this shit with Mary and Ida, the more worried I become. I hope to hell it’s just pure paranoia on my part, but Mary’s turned on me, obviously, and so’s Ida. But why? Why would asking Mary to slip Ida that note which wasn’t nasty or else it’d never have gotten through the mailroom, upset Mary in any way, not that I can say for sure that it did? How is that “using” her? I told her she didn’t have to do it if she didn’t want to. She had me type stuff up for her, but I didn’t feel used. And just what does Ida mean when she says I’ll hear from her further once she gets out? That has a rather menacing ring to it. Does she simply mean she’ll write? Is it just talk? Or does she have any evil plans in mind?

The worst-case scenario is that I’ll get thrown back in jail over this, and the second case, which is the more likely one, is that they cost me my Teddy Bear. I don’t know, I just have visions of Ida saying, “Hey, Johnson! Jodi sent me a nasty note!” then she and Mary telling her all kinds of BS. I’d hope that Teddy Bear wouldn’t let them influence her in any way, but they could be flagging my letters around the whole damn jail for all I know. I wouldn’t care if they were as long as my bear didn’t get wind of it. And after all I’ve done to help Mary - God, I am so stupid! When am I going to learn - if you don’t want to be burned by people, don’t associate with them?

Well, hopefully my letter of explanation will back Ida off, and hopefully she and Mary will keep their mouths shut and not cost me my bear or get me in trouble, but even if it turns out that I’ve got Mary all wrong and she sends me the kindest letter, I’m just going to ignore her. This bout of paranoia, be it justified or not, is enough to scare me off. I’m going to ignore them both and hope they’ll do the same.

I know I haven’t written Mary anything wrong or illegal, but somehow, despite the fact that the bear did nothing wrong either, I doubt she’d like hearing or reading anything I’ve had to say about her, as good as it all was. Yeah, I lost my bear. I just lost my bear, dammit! Damn Mary and Ida to hell! They’re vindictive enough to do it and I know they did. I know they dragged my bear into this, turned her off and scared her off forever! Damn them!!!

Later…

A million possibilities run through my mind. Perhaps I am being paranoid about Mary because come to think of it, she wrote me after I asked her to pass my message to Ida, and that’s not something you get bent out of shape over. If you don’t want to pass a message, you don’t. For all I know, Ida could’ve written that letter to me behind her back and what she said could’ve been bullshit. Ida’s already proven to be a liar.

But Mary can be funny, too. She and I agreed she’d be the one to move since she didn’t mind big cells, but what did she do? She got all pissed off over it when it happened. She could be more two-faced than I’d imagined.

I hope that just like I was paranoid about losing the house I’m just being paranoid about losing the bear, but right now I have every reason to believe I lost her and that Mary and Ida told her about my letters and maybe even showed them to her. That’s my biggest concern right now. Way more so than being thrown back there. What’s done is done, though, and if I’ve lost her, I’ve lost her. Of course it pisses me off and saddens the hell out of me, but there is good in us never getting together as well. That is that even if the chances were one in a million of her fucking me over, she’ll never get that chance. So, all bad things have their good to them, too. All I can do is ignore Mary and Ida, hope they let me ignore them, write to the bear in May, and just live with it when I get no response.

Today’s the first day so far that we didn’t run the AC all day.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2001 Yesterday I woke up at 120 pounds and was surprised to be down barely a pound. I thought I’d be down to 118 today, but instead I was barely down to 119. I don’t know why. I didn’t exceed 1100 calories yesterday and am still shitting out what I eat. I didn’t expect things to slow down until I got down to 115. All I know is that if this low-calorie diet doesn’t work, nothing will. I may have too much muscle to get down as low as 100, but there’s no reason the fat shouldn’t dissolve if I don’t go over 1100 calories and I only splurge weekly.

Where it gets hard is having to have the same old things day after day. So, when I realized that the fat-free, sugar-free puddings were pretty equal to one of the potato packs I’ve been having, I decided that next week I’ll substitute one of the two potato packs for a pudding. So I’ll have two servings of meat, a huge serving of potatoes, and a small box of pudding. That’s under 1000 calories. I have to lose weight on that.

I’ve finished proofreading Teddy Bear’s copy and now I’m listening to it. I realize I could never be happy. Meaning, I could go through the story a million times and still find changes to make. Not necessarily mistakes, but things I feel should be changed around a bit.

I wrote Mary a letter. I know she’s got her own shit to deal with, but I wish she’d write more often. I want any Teddy Bear updates she may have for me, too!

It’s still unseasonably warm, yet cool at night. I open windows when I get up, even if it means making the house smell like horses, then shut them and turn the AC on around 1:00.

Still haven’t heard from them back there yet, but what an eyesore the whole place is. Yes, we need walls up back there. Fortunately, we can’t see the Mexicans next door cuz they have a big tree blocking their little dump. We can see Dan’s house, but not nearly as well as this one in back cuz it’s further away.

There’s this one chick in particular that bothers me. She looks awfully blackish, but she may be connected to the silver pickup and I don’t think the silver pickup lives there. A pack of Mexicans is bad enough, but to sprinkle the scene with a black or two on top of it all would really be the ultimate nightmare!

Anyway, I don’t know what’s taking APS so long to finish their job, but there have been workers working there like crazy. One’s this scruffy-looking white guy with a gold pickup. They haven’t even skirted the house yet, and if they’ve carpeted, I wouldn’t know. Boy, would it be noisy with all those people if they were just a few feet away! But stereos can travel for miles, and although my bad vibe is backed off a bit, I still say we’ll hear from them 1-3 times a week from their house stereo once they get settled in. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if they were evicted from wherever it is they came from.

I didn’t get a look at the driver, but the silver pickup just went by with what appeared to be propane tanks for the trailer. I also saw a dark-colored car leave the property, but at the angle it was at, it could’ve emerged from the middle house. The owner of the blue pickup might actually have a job somewhere cuz it’s been absent during normal business hours, save for Monday when they first showed up. Tom’s so sure they’re not Section 8, reminding me that while that sicko Debra was the one renting the house, her boyfriend was illegal and he was the one with the van, not her. So what’s to say we don’t have the same case back there? Either way, there’s gonna be trouble. We’re still looking at lots of noise and trash. And company too, since Mexicans have a zillion family members. They may not come and go every 45 minutes, and they may not have 5 or more carloads of people coming to see them on a daily basis, but there’ll still be too much commotion for comfort. A city-like atmosphere that’ll totally clash with Maricopa. I just don’t know why people like this would want to live way out here. I guess it’s just a matter of God’s desperation to continually sic these sickos on me.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2001 I’m so fucking pissed right now. No, I’m beyond pissed. I’m furious!

Trouble’s finally moved in behind us, and I know without a doubt there will be trouble. Just one look told me that. As soon as they get settled, they’ll be notorious for all kinds of noise, particularly music.

We got a whole family of freeloaders back there. I saw at least 2 or 3 little kids and 2 adult females. If there’s a man in the picture, I don’t know.

It’s like - fuck! Here we go again. The same old shit all over again, though they’re not at arm’s length this time. They’re gonna drive me crazy with base thumping like hell, they’re gonna trash our land, and you know what? There won’t be a damn thing we can do about it. Whites don’t win going up against minorities whether they have connections or not. I’ll be damned if I’ll make one single little complaint once their shit hits the fan. Why would I? So they can cry racism and harass us more? Maybe get me thrown in jail while they’re at it? I don’t think so!

I’m just so fucking ripped shitting mad right now - ugh! It’s always me that has to get stuck with this shit. Why?! Why God? Why do you insist other’s business be mine? There’s just no escaping what we moved from, is there? I knew it was just a matter of time too, before the shit hit the fan again. I’m totally cursed when it comes to neighbors in this state. Totally cursed.

Anyway, these are the kinds of people that are home all day and that live outdoors. You might have one adult in the household working, but even worse so, I’d bet they’re Section 8. Section 8 with nothing better to do, but blast music and hang outside (in between drug sales). The adults are going to feel too cooped up with the kids inside the house, they’re gonna be like - so what if there are snakes, scorpions and black widows out there? - They’re gonna put the kids outside, and knowing they’re too young to be left unsupervised (at least, I think they’d know that), they’re not gonna just sit there bored. They’re gonna put a nice big fat stereo speaker or two in their windows and blast it outside. Mexicans, like we got to the north of us, are very few and far between; that work and that keep their shit to themselves.

It’s always the blacks and Mexicans that have to come and ruin an otherwise peaceful place. Always! Yeah, congratulations, blacks and Hispanics! You made a die-hard racist here, didn’t you? I’m just tired of God and his obvious obsession with throwing these kinds of sick fucks in my face and having them butt into my peace, my life, etc. It’s like he’s saying, “Oh, no you don’t! You cannot live in peace and block out others from your life. If you’re not going to see other people, in or out of your house, you’re going to at least hear them. You cannot ignore them.”

It’s like he wants to constantly remind me that these people exist. As if I could forget! And why must the past always follow me? Poverty always follows me. The blacks, the Hispanics, the subsidy, etc. Like something wants to remind me of where I came from. Again, like I could forget even if I wanted to. Yes, Maricopa’s just as riddled with Mexicans as the city is, but not many of these 10-acre lots have rentals/freeloaders on them. Right now, we and the people at Dan’s are the only whites out of all the houses you can see well enough from this house, which is now 5 houses. I can’t say what’s renting the middle house, but from the looks of it, the farthest house is definitely freeloader-infested. I can tell that by their dumpy cars and the way they trash their place. Although a lot of owners out here tend to be just as big of slobs. That much I will say. Still, you can almost always look at a house out here and tell if whites live there or not.

They’ve given me every reason to hate them and every reason to know there’ll be trouble from back there. There’s nothing to say there won’t be. What I don’t get is - why not just stay in the city if you like noise and commotion? Why would these people want to come all the way out here? To spoil it for others? And damn George for being such a freeloader-lover!

There’s still no power hooked up. They’re doing what we did. They’re all staying crammed in this little shit trailer till they can get into the house. They have a horse trailer too, but it doesn’t appear there are any horses in it. I hope not. They don’t have fences for that. It also appears they may have one beat-up car and one OK pickup.

I really loved sitting in here when I was up during the daytime, hearing nothing but peace and quiet, and now I’ll be forced to give that up. I’ll have to start sleeping with the fan on high and having music on all the time. Even when I don’t want to hear it. It’s just that if I’m going to be forced to listen to music, I’d just assume have it be my own. Guess there was a reason why I had Tom put nice speakers on the computer yesterday! I have one in here and one out in the living room, so I could listen to the online radio stations while working out. So, as soon as the place goes thump thump with the sound of their base, I can have music out there, too.

I used to get bummed when freeloading trouble like this would move in next to me (behind me in this case), and I’m bummed, alright, but not nearly as bummed as I am furious. I’m so pissed at God for doing this to me over and over again. What’s he gonna do? Send them out in a boat after us once we get on the boat and out in the middle of the ocean? I wouldn’t put it past him. Makes me wonder if he’d preferred I’d married a freeloader with a dozen kids. And it’s usually those with kids that tend to be worse. I’m just so pissed knowing we’ll be forced to be victimized for years till one of us moves (they tend to hate us as much as we hate them).

They’ll love using our fence as a clothesline, once it goes up, but I’d rather that than have their trash dumped over it, and once the plants we plant back there grow tall and bushy, we won’t be able to see the clothes draped over the fence much. It’s just a pity that it’s going to be 6 months to a year before we can’t see them and their shit. Couldn’t you have waited another year, George?! For now, they’re in both sight and sound. Hopefully, it won’t be too long before they’re out of sight, if never out of sound. I also hope it won’t be long before they’re in the house, so I can hear their house stereo which isn’t quite as fierce as car stereos. Them being in a trailer is gonna tempt them to blast that car stereo more often, till the harsh roads fuck the thing up, not that they won’t fix it as fast as it breaks.

Why? Why come here, though, when they can sit in the city and have a million more drug customers and the opportunity to cause trouble? Their car stereo will work better there and there are more people there to hear it, so why come here? See, this tells me all the more that it’s God sending me trouble. They no doubt hate whites and want to ruin a nice, peaceful place to live. Unless George said anything, they don’t know us and Dan’s people are white, though common sense should say so. Nice new, well-kept homes owned by Mexicans? I don’t think so. The question is, how many years will they be here? It doesn’t matter, though, because together George and God would just send me a new batch to pick on me. I’m just sooo glad I don’t have to hear their car doors, them screaming or their dogs barking in this house if they get one.

George’s pickup has been there a couple of times this morning. It looks like he even hauled them in some water. Oh, how sweet of you, George.

I’ll be damned if I’ll make the mistake of bitching to Tom about them and letting them come between us this time around. Tom tends to be pretty defensive when it comes to neighbors, and if I bitch about them, all he’s going to do is make excuses for them, play things down, and make it sound like he’s on their side. You know how neighbor-conscious he is. It’s like he worships them or something.

At least I’ll be getting thinner while I listen to their shit. I finally discovered the right combination of food to lose weight without feeling so hungry all the time. I think I already mentioned this meat and potato diet, but anyway, it’s a piece of cake so far. In fact, I couldn’t even finish all of yesterday’s allotted food, and only ended up having about 900 calories. I’m already down 2 pounds too, to 122. So when I get fat a third time, I’ll know how to kick it back off faster. My body’s still gonna try to fight it once I hit down around 115 by being constipated and all that. I’m still rebelling against nature, so to speak. The question is, will I be able to get down to 110 or lower? You’d think I should be able to if I can comfortably keep my calories down with only one day a week to splurge, but we’ll see. I’m still 35. Not 25.

Later…

I just saw what looked like 2 adult male Mexicans drive a silver jeep-like thing down Ralston, then Meadow Green, then to the house. That’s a nice-looking jeep and pickup for poor, trashy freeloaders. Amazingly, I didn’t hear one beat of music. Not yet, anyway. It’s like the Phoenix freeloaders with all the nice cars, most of them quiet music-wise. It was only a few vehicles that were a source of music. Most of it came from the house which will no doubt be the case with these freeloaders. I’m almost positive none of them work. For all these people to be out and about in the middle of a Monday kind of tells me that. If not all, then some of them will be home all the time. How are all these people going to fit in a 3-bedrroom? That’s what I wondered in Phoenix, too. I swear history’s come to repeat itself all over again! What a chilling, uncanny, eerie resemblance to what we had in Phoenix. It’ll be interesting to see if they come and go every 45 minutes like they did in the city, and if they’re out running around naked at 3:00 in the morning during the summer, although that’d be hard to see from here even without walls.

Troublemakers don’t usually act up right away, though. Once they get settled in is when they act up. Within a week or two we should hear from them. That much I do know. Now I’m not so sure I want porches and a pool. What’s the point of trying to enjoy these things and the peaceful outdoors if the peaceful outdoors isn’t going to be so peaceful? If God can’t bring me to the city, he brings it to me. Even if I complained to George about the noise and trash-dumping and got results, what’s to say they don’t have some vengeful, white-hating friend hiding behind a label that says “biased crimes” waiting to type up a threatening letter and manipulate me into getting my prints on it? I’d know better, though, not to talk to pigs or touch anything they had, but still, I wouldn’t risk it. We’ll just have to take whatever shit they dish out at us.

Later…

Just talked to Tom, who suggested that maybe they were working on the house, but not going to live there, and that the adults working on the house took their kids so they wouldn’t have to find anyone to watch them, but no way. They live there. Why would they bring one trailer, plus a horse trailer, plus another flatbed trailer with God knows what on it, and two vehicles?

Later…

Still haven’t heard any shit yet, but the whole thing just pisses me off. It just pisses me the fuck off so bad! First I had to live in Puerto Rico back east and in Mexico out here. When can I live in the United States?

I can’t believe all the work people put into my bullshit case. With all the copies made of the journals, it’s no wonder they want $40 a month. They gotta get someone to pay for all that ink and paper.

One of the things the public defender showed me right before sentencing (convenient, huh?) was a sheet of paper presumably written by the DA complaining that I referred to the cunt’s boyfriend as “cock,” “it,” etc.

Now since when has it ever been illegal to call someone an “it?” I just don’t get the relevance here, since racism in that form isn’t yet illegal here. Another 5-10 years and they’ll hang us for calling them names like that. Maybe if our lawmakers had to live with them for a while, they wouldn’t be so quick to defend them and shower them with more rights than one could ever imagine any group of people could get.

Lots of clouds and some thunder today, but no rain yet. We did get a little bit of rain last night.

I take that back. It’s raining right now. Big fat raindrops. And the freeloader’s trailers are still here. Because they live here.

Later…

The jeep-like thing just left and this time I got a better look at it. It’s just a pickup with a camper shell and it’s not nice at all. In fact, it’s a piece of shit. The blue pickup’s gone, but the trailers are still here. I take it one, if not both of the trucks will return later, or else those huddled in the trailer would be stranded there. I’m sure that one of the owners of the trucks, if not both, lives there, too. There’s got to be at least 8 of them, counting kids and adults. God knows how many friends, cousins, aunts and uncles will move in with them later on. It’s ok. George won’t mind. Anything for a Section 8. He even said he hated to give one up himself when he was telling us about some other Section 8 nightmare he was evicting. Are there any Section 8s that aren’t nightmares? Makes me wonder.

Later…

The blue pickup just returned.

Holidays are no longer going to be peaceful out here. Holidays like Vet’s Day may be fine, but New Year’s Eve will be rocking. Christmas might even be too, since freeloaders tend to stay home on holidays and have people come to them. Heat and bad weather won’t put a damper on their outdoor antics, either.

God, I feel like I’m in the city that hated to see me go all over again, logging all these freeloading activities, bracing myself in the calm before the storm, knowing I’m in for all kinds of trouble. It’s fated to be and there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop or change it. Only this time, the outcome will differ from the last. I’m not going to jail!

Today’s one of those days where I have no energy whatsoever. I can’t even bring myself to work out. That’s partly cuz of the dreary weather as well as my depression/anger that God could do this to me yet again, and sic a pack of freeloaders on me. Yes, I think I want to move up north if we don’t go on a boat or to a retirement community where there’s a little more money and less trash like this. I’d rather the cold and the snow than this fucking bullshit year after year. I’m really fucking sick of this shit. I’m fed up and I don’t need to take this crap time and time again. A person should have the right to live in peace. Then again, even though there’s less of them up north, God would only see to it that I got stuck with them, so I don’t know. If I’ve got to live with them either way, I may as well do it where the climate’s nicer. I knew the northeast was riddled with Ricans, the southeast was riddled with Cubans, but I had no idea just how infested with scum Mexicans the southwest really was! It’s terrible. I still say there’s more of them than us, but if not, they’re doing a damn good job of catching up. They breed like mice, after all.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2001 Saw Apple Cheeks, who says I can do the rest of my probation standing on my head.

Oh, I just can’t wait! Like I look soooo forward to it, too!

Anyway, the cheek’s schedule will be changing after the New Year. Instead of reporting to him the first two Fridays of the month, it’ll be the first and third Fridays of the month. See, I knew he wouldn’t be telling me to report just once a month anytime soon. He never will, either. In this state, I’m no better than a murderer.

At least he’s not bugging me here at home as much. Oh, how I wish those freeloaders would come and see me here! But they’re gutless wimps cowering behind the law. I don’t know, though, people like them, who think they’re invincible tend to get stupid. Stupidly brave. Maybe they will come and see me someday. I hope they do, but they damn well better be prepared to die for it! The question is, though, would they have the balls to face me directly, or would they just shoot at the house or try to burn it, then turn around and run? My only fear is that they’d probably be more likely to do shit to the house than to me. Maybe the black bitch is afraid of me like she was playing to be. She should be. I mean, technically, after all she’s put me and my husband through, she has every reason to fear me. Initially, she and her people weren’t afraid of me, but once they finally got a reaction, they probably did get a little scared after all. Maybe they’ll think the next time they pick on some other white neighbor.

At the same time, I fear they won’t “legally” go away. They know they can fuck me over through the law and get away with it. They’ve fucked me over and have gotten away with it for years, so I worry about that going to their heads. I really do. Some people just never stop. Enough is never enough, and I know obsession when I see it. Helen kept saying they don’t think of me, but I disagree. I think they think of me nearly every single day of their sorry lives. It used to be to think of how they could harass me noise-wise, but now it’s how they can use and abuse the law against me. I just hope I have an airtight alibi if and when they ever strike again because if they use the law and refuse to fight fair by directly facing me, there’s no way I stand a chance of beating them. I’m too white and too childless. I don’t have any pig friends, either. Vengeful, angry, bitter friends, hiding behind a label that says, “biased crimes.” All that black pig was out to do was “get even with whites.”

Again, I think of karma and all that, but again I truly believe that different people have different rules and standards set upon them by God. Just because I have to pay dearly for the smallest fuck-up, does not mean others have to as well. What have these freeloaders lost on account of me? A dog? Him living in that house with her? Wow! That’s an awful lot compared to what we lost now, isn’t it? Such poor, poor freeloaders. I know she didn’t lose the house on account of us. We would’ve heard about it if they did. The only thing that surprises me is why they moved out so quietly and civilizedly. If they were moving with nothing more to lose, why didn’t they blast us the fuck out? The stereo had to be broken. It had to be.

They say it’s therapeutic to write your thoughts and feelings down and all that, but I don’t know if I like this writing about the freeloaders almost as extensively as I used to when I lived with them, so I’m going to tune them out now. My freeloader ventilation spree is over for today.

When we came back, I noticed right away that the house smells much better now that there are no GPs here. If I ever get another one, I think it won’t be before the next 20 years.

Tom’s organizing his office now, so he tells me. Oh, I don’t want to hear it! So he organizes some of it, then gives up on it. Or he organizes it all, then trashes it a week later. Big deal.

I miss my Teddy Bear. I want my Teddy Bear. Oh, bear, how I came to love you so!

Little Buddy’s been really demanding attention lately. He sure does love to run around the house! He loves it when I share my treats with him, too. He licks my ice cream off of a knife.

The mice were cute earlier, sliding down tubes like little furry firemen.

Tom downloaded me this fingerspelling screen saver that spells words (musical instruments) but the thing that lets you create your own word list is disabled because we have the freeware version.

I wish I could get a sign language dictionary. That’d be so cool to have just like I have English and Spanish dictionaries.

Tom didn’t go to the PO Box during his vacation because it’s not worth spending the gas money to drive that far, so when he goes on Monday, I hope there’ll be something from Mary. And hopefully, she’ll have something to report to me about Teddy Bear. I wonder just how true it is about my theory about her going away along with me, so to speak. If I understood Mary, she hasn’t worked there as much since I left. Palma hasn’t worked there at all. I wish I could see her, if only for a second. Just steal a quick, secret peek at her to see what she looks like nowadays. I’d still love her, but I hope she hasn’t cut her hair off and decided to go short.

I feel like there’s something I’m forgetting to write about, but if I am, I haven’t remembered it yet. Therefore, I’ll just say that if I’m truly meant to lose this weight and keep it off for once, now’s the time I’ll do it. With the diet plan I’ll be on, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t lose 10-20 pounds unless I really do have a hell of a mental block about losing weight because of how I ended up gaining it back the last two times I lost weight. I’m starting it on Sunday. I’m starting with 1100 calories and I’m even cutting out gum. I’ll have two big 400-calorie servings of potatoes, a 180-calorie serving of roast beef, and a 120-calorie serving of corned beef. Next week I’ll drop down to 1040 calories because by then both meat servings will be corned beef only. And of course, I’ll be exercising, too.

I wrote much more than I meant to and am used to doing these days, and no, I haven’t started my autobiography yet. I will sooner or later, though. First I’m finishing up proofing Teddy Bear’s copy of the jail journal, then I’m going to hear it read back to me by the reader, then that’ll wrap up the Estrella saga.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2001 I finally began what should’ve been done a year ago, and together, Tom and I picked up scattered bits and pieces of junk throughout the land. I didn’t realize just how much trash there was in the front wash way up near the freeloader’s property line. Makes me wonder if it’s their shit. They live like freeloaders, after all, with shit strewn everywhere. Most people out here live like pigs, though. It’s disgusting. But maybe it’s not theirs. Like Tom said, someone obviously gutted an old camper or trailer and that could’ve been anybody. The more I think about it, the more I think that with all the trash they already have on their land, they’d have gutted the thing right there on their own land.

Anyway, Tom’s going to rent or buy a small tractor one of these days to bury the shit and to use for other things.

It’s looking so much better out there now that we’ve picked up most of the junk that was out there and either put it in sheds, burned it or buried it. It’s looking more and more like a home, and whether we end up here 5 years or 20 years, we may as well take care of things and make them look nice. I know most people don’t care about appearances, especially outdoor ones, but I do. It looks so much nicer now when the weather’s nice enough to be out strolling around. The only thing that takes the fun out of strolling around is those damn ants. They’re everywhere!

I just wonder if Tom will keep his word this time around and not retrash the property. He either procrastinates, quits in the middle of projects, or goes and undoes what he did.

It kind of bothered me when he asked me to watch what I say since on a calm day like today, next door could hear us, and I was like - how many times do I have to tell you - I DON’T CARE! I’m sick of his being so neighbor-conscious. We don’t owe these people or anybody else in society shit and I’ll be damned if I’ll live my life worrying about how others might react to something I say. I don’t care. Period. I’ll wear what I want, say what I want, do what I want, and be myself. If others have a problem with it, then that’s their problem. I’m not saying I should have the right to walk out in public stark naked and call every black and Hispanic a name, then shoot them all dead, but I’m me and others are others. I don’t tell society how to be or how to act and nobody’s going to tell me either. Tom didn’t “tell me.” He asked. But still, I’m not going to live my life for neighbors and screen my speech for them. My life doesn’t revolve around them in any way shape or form unless they force their lives upon me like they did in Phoenix. They’re not a part of my business, and as long as they don’t make their business mine, I’m not going to consider them in my speech and plan around them. Hell, I was even forced to plan how I’d rearrange my furniture for neighbors in the city, for Christ’s sake, keeping furniture away from windows as much as I could! Well, no more!

I can’t believe Apple Cheeks still hasn’t shown up, though today’s a possibility. Either way, I’ve got the forced honor of seeing him tomorrow.

Teddy Bear died this morning before Tom got up. It’s too bad, but now it’ll be a bit less smelly and less expensive too, food and bedding-wise.

[iam93percentstardust]

State of the Fic

I didn't really write much this month. The depression hit me hard, low engagement has me feeling low inspiration, and after writing nearly 100k words over the last few months, I thought that I deserved a bit of a break. I do have some shorter fics for readers to take a look at though!

WIPs

Still no WIPs currently being posted! I'm taking a break from those to knock out some of my shorter ideas.

Recently Posted

Marvels Unsolved: Mysteries of the Maximoff House (Winterironfalcon): Posted on June 1

This week on Marvels Unsolved, Bucky and Tony investigate the Westview Anomaly and the Maximoff House as part of their ongoing investigation into the question: are ghosts real?

The Truths We Hide (Stevetony): Posted on June 3

When Loki casts a truth spell on Tony, he has to figure out how to break the curse before it kills him - and before he tells Steve how much he loves him. But maybe… just maybe, telling Steve isn't such a bad idea after all.

Today Was a Fairytale (Stevetony): Posted on June 4

Today was a fairytale You've got a smile that takes me to another planet Every move you make everything you say is right Today was a fairytale ~ Steve gives Tony daisies. And it’s… nice. Tony’s suitors send him roses and exotic orchids and genetically modified blossoms that bloom in impossible colors no one could ever hope to find in nature. His mother makes sure there’s always a fresh bouquet of irises in his room—they usually come from her own garden, but he still doesn’t know how she manages to find them even in the middle of winter. And Steve… Steve gives him daisies.

Wrapped Up in Your Love (Stevetony): Posted on June 13

Tony has a bad day, so Steve takes care of him.

You're My World, Bro (Gen fic): Posted on June 18

Rhodey is already halfway across the living room to where Tony is sitting on the couch, desperately saying, “Tones, I need your help,” before their apartment door has even shut behind him. Tony, conditioned by a lifetime of living with Howard, automatically says, “No."

I Found a Love for Me (Stevetony): Posted on June 20

Steve comes home to find Tony waiting for him with a surprise.

Coming Up

1. My first Winteriron fic in almost 6 months!

2. Fairytale of New York: the new holiday fic! Chapters 14-17 have been written

3. MTH fics! Currently working out an idea with the Thor/Tony auction winner

4. Birthday prompt fics!

5. Bluebells and Belladonna: the winteriron magical flowership fic I’ve had sitting in my drafts for almost two years

[miru-n]

★A3! BD Scout has begun!★

The June Birthday Premium Tryouts have begun! Today (6/5) is your only chance to get a birthday-themed SSR of Miru! Or is it? Check in-game for all the details!

I usually just do silly doodles for my birthday, but hey, spoiling myself is not bad every once in a while hehe

Imma rambles about my self insert and what i put on these fake Glitter card, this will be long so no need to read this~

First, I'll talk about flower motif!

I choose hydrangea as my flower motif for my a3 self insert.

Hydrangea is one of my favorite flower, along with Hyacinth and Orchid.

My knowledge on hanakotoba is basically 0 lol but i feel like hydrangea resonates more with me, both the positive meanings (desire to understand others, sincerity/honesty) and the negative meanings (boastful, distant, bitter, regret).

When I was a kid, grandma told me the story about the Japanese emperor used the flower to show how sincere he is on his apology to his wife? Someone idk. And she also told me that one story someone burried a dead body and then bright colorful hydrangeas started to bloom on the patch where the body got burried. The duality lol

I also love this fun fact about hydrangea because honestly? Mood. I'm needy and clingy, so i love affection ww. But if you shower me with too much love? I go bye-bye lol

I had a hard time making the symbol of the flower for the card that fits with the other characters flower symbol, but i managed to make with the same style. I used photos bellow as my reference

Second, backgrounds for the unbloom card!

Drama card because other June boys' Glitter cards are Comedy and Action. Ok easy.

When making the card, I keep in mind if I can stitch my card with other characters.

Green on left because previous birthday in a3 was Citron. Yellow on left because Misumi's birthdaybis next after mine (mine's 5th June, his is 6th hehe).

The star balloons is such a coincidence on technical wise lol. Misumi got them on his unbloom card, that's one of the excuse why I put those. But! I love stars so it works out well when making my unbloom card lol. I love stars, but I can't identify any star or constellation if my life depends on it ww the only constellation I know is Gemini. Which is a coincidence because it's also my zodiac. So that's why from all the random balloon stars and the glittery star accessories on the background, you can spot Gemini on bottom left.

If you see on bottom right, you might notice something that does not look like a star or constellation.

It's the symbol of High Priestess. Besides star, I also love tarot ww. I was so into tarot on my middle school era and still got a deck of tarot cards on my table (blame Persona 3). Everytime I do a tarot reading by myself, from random internet quiz, from an actual tarot reader, that fucking card always pops out. And the way it reads always pissed me off www even more pissed because everyone I know said 'yeah that's so you/oof that sounds just like your luck'. WTF DOES THAT MEAAAN AHDJDKAKA. Anyway my self insert arcana on Persona Series is The High Priestess so... LOL

Purple is one of my favorite color (besides yellow, red and black). So I just decide purple as the background color

And last but not least, the bloomed card!

Tried to do the same concept of using mirror to symbolize my zodiac like the other June boys.

Why is the glass art contains Mondrian art and not just my flower motif like other characters? I want something obnoxious to scream 'hello i'm an artist' lol. I wanted to do Alphonse Mucha art (since he is my favorite old timer artist) with beautiful hydrangeas as the glass art.

........But i still love my hands ok, not today carpal tunnel. So I noped out and settle with Mondrian instead (flashback to uni year where I got assignment to mimick your favorite artist and god do I regret loving Alphonse Mucha's art. Atleast I got A on that class so it paid off 🕺)

The gold patterns on my Glitter outfit is a Batik pattern! Hohoho Indonesia History time for anyone who still read up to this point! I took Batik class on uni and worked as Lecturer Assistant y'all better listen to me or I'll kick your kneecaps.

It’s loosely based from Batik Truntum! It’s from Java, and means ‘love and loyalty’ or ‘loves that blooms again’. History wise, the royalty family give this Batik to someone they love, trying to court or just a gift to family. The name Truntum itself came from the word ‘Taruntum’, which means ‘to grow/bloom again’. There’s so many romance stories behind this Batik. But this one I found so fucking funny because a king is trying to marry a new woman (idk the english, you know, when king got married millions of women?). His queen got so sad, so she started making a Batik to cheer herself up. She ended up loving the result and gave it to the king as a present. Then the king goes ‘damn she gave me this Batik, that means she’s loyal. looks like I won’t marry another women’ wwwwww

For the outfit, hoodie is because I love wearing one even when it’s 45 degree celcius outside lmao dont judge me.

The ring is what i usually wear. It’s a promise ring. The ring cost 1$ tho LOL that’s how cheap my promise is, so don’t hold onto any of my promise ww

The scarf that wrap around my body is... kinda sentimental symbol. I’d rather not explain that one ww maybe one day!

That’s all! If you read it all till this part, thank you so much ww

[dangerousconnoisseurdonut]

Curse of Loki preview (F/F/m)

On AO3, I have a request for a Tickle Fic, something I have toyed with for years, but never had the guts to do until now. I realize tickling isn’t everyone’s kink, but please be kind as this is my first attempt. I am posting a preview here to get a feel if I’m doing this right.

Now, context! Bruce has been sent a horn with Norwegian Runes all over it. What he doesn’t know is that this is the Horn of Loki, the Trickster God and causes... interesting results between the recipient and their enemies. In this case, Bruce and the Rogues of Gotham. After he has blown the horn, he gets the urge to go into the city and winds up at Selina’s flat, not realizing that she has a guest at the minute and... well, here goes nothing.

“Relax, Bruce, I just wanted to lounge around for a change; Tabitha and Barbara got me this on my last birthday. Do you like it?” Selina gave a little pose and Bruce did his best to keep his eyes on her face where they belonged and not drawn to her cleavage which he had never seemed to notice before. It was darker than magenta, somewhere between sangria and mulberry, with pink cherry blossoms scattered on it; it was indeed beautiful, but Bruce was wishing at the moment she had something on underneath as he could see her breasts, including her perky nipples.

“Bruce?” Selina asked with a shit-eating grin as though she had a damn good idea why he hadn’t answered her, causing his blush to deepen as he responded,

“Nice! It’s very, uh, very nice!”

“I think the naughty boy was eyeing your tits, Cat.” Bruce whirled around at the sound of another female, only to find Bridgit Pike waltzing into the room in another bathrobe, this one somewhere between navy and indigo, with white orchids. He was struck by how attractive she was, even with the scars on her face and what he could see of her body; her hair was long, though there was none where her face had been burned, and her smile was one of the, pardon the pun, cat who got the canary. He felt himself harden as he suddenly felt very much like a canary.

“Uh, I’m uh, sorry for interrupting you two, I’ll just, um, I’ll just -” Bruce was shocked when Bridgit grabs the lapel of his jacket and pulls him to her so she can kiss him. As he and Bridgit make-out, he feels Selina grab his jacket and pull it off of him. Bruce however gets a moment of clarity and pulls away as Selina pulls his button up partially off, ripping a few of the buttons off and trapping his arms in the sleeves.

“W-wait a minute, what are y-you -?” Bruce just about jumped out of his skin when Selina dug her fingers into his underarms, causing him to almost bite his tongue off as he fought not to laugh.

“Naughty boys need to be punished, but we don’t want to hurt you so, Selina and I think you need a good laugh; not to sound like Jerome, but you are way too serious.” Bridgit explains as she lightly runs her fingers over his ribs. Bruce doesn’t say anything, knowing the minute he opens his mouth he’ll start laughing and won’t be able to stop. He hadn’t been tickled since he was seven, and he had forgotten how much he hated it. Selina and Bridgit start leading him to Selina’s bed, digging their fingers into his ribs or underarms when he tries to struggle. Bruce is almost crying from the exertion it’s taking to not laugh. When it comes time to get him on the bed, they move quickly to get Bruce’s arms out from the shirt, and tied down using some scarves. For his legs, Bridgit sits on Bruce’s stomach and switches between his underarms and stomach, not letting him get used to either sensation as Selina wrestles him out of his shoes, pants, underwear, and socks before tying his legs down. Bridgit stopped for a moment, enjoying seeing Bruce struggle to contain his laughter, as Selina went to get something.

“P-please Bridgit, I, I’m sorry I looked at Selina’s breasts; you’re both so pretty I couldn’t help it, but I’m so sorry for being a pervert and -mmph!” Bruce was cut off as Bridgit again kissed him, and he moaned a little as she played with his nipples before Selina came back.

“Starting without me?”

“I’ve never seen a guy apologize so much for sneaking a peak at a boob before.” Bridgit explained as she petted Bruce’s locks, something he actually seemed to enjoy.

“I told you; he’s an odd one but can actually be kind of sweet, like a puppy.” Selina said as she resumed her position at his feet, making him worry about what she planned to do.

“Well, even cute puppies have to be disciplined when they do something naughty, but since he seems so sincere with his apology, I think we can give him a little reward afterwards.” Bruce went to beg again, only for Bridgit to lightly trail her fingers up to his underarms, prompting him to keep his mouth shut and bite his lips.

“Gotta warn you handsome; we won’t stop until we hear you laugh. Why not make it easy on yourself and just let it out?” Bruce shook his head, causing Bridgit to sigh before smirking as she dug her fingers into his underarms and Selina tickled his thighs, a place he didn’t even think was ticklish but Selina just had to prove him wrong. He giggled, chortled, and snorted behind closed lips, but still refused to out and out laugh, even when Bridgit switched to his stomach and Selina tickled his knees (seriously, knees could be a ticklish spot?). Though, when one of Bridgit’s fingers got close to his navel, he almost lost control, though sadly he knew Bridgit had seen it for what it was when she got a wicked gleam in her eyes before saying,

“He’s a tough nut to crack, Cat; I think we better up our game.” Selina released a very put-upon sigh as she responded,

“You asked for this Bruce.” Bridgit leaned over as Selina also stopped to get something, though just what Bruce could not see. When Bridgit pulled back, she held what appeared to be a makeup brush, making Bruce wander just what was she going to do with that. He wasn’t allowed to worry about it however as Selina grabbed the toes of his right foot and stretched them back as far as they would go, leaving his arch taut. He got the uneasy feeling he was about to face his Waterloo. Bridgit then leaned down and placed the brush on his stomach and started a slow spiral edging closer and closer to his navel. Soon, it was tracing the navel itself, and Bruce was shaking so bad with suppressed laughter, he thought he was going to pass out. Those soft, silky bristles felt like dragons teeth on his sensitive stomach. Bridget looked him straight in the eye, amber into green, and asked,

“Does our naughty pretty boy have a ticklish belly button?” Before Bruce could confirm or deny, Bridgit dug the makeup brush right into his navel to swirl it around same time as Selina lightly ran her nails up his foot. Actually, to Bruce’s horror, he realized Selina was wearing her gloves with the claws on them, and they were what she was lightly dragging up and down his foot. At the twin sensations, Bruce didn’t stand a chance and finally burst out,

“Hahahaha! P-please s-s-stop! I, I c-can’t t-t-take this!” Bruce hated how he was reduced to stuttering, but the girls were just too good. Selina kept her touch light to make sure her claws didn’t accidentally pierce the skin, but that didn’t make it any less intense as she used one claw to draw nonsensical patterns along his sole, first lines going up and down, then spirals on the ball and heel of his foot, then zig-zags across his arches. Bridgit meanwhile kept switching between the brush and her her finger digging into his navel. Sometimes, just to spice things up, she would use the brush on his navel while digging her fingers into his underarm. Her dual sensations of sharp and soft were driving him up the wall. Once, she even ran the brush over his nipple and as the silky smooth bristles ran along his slightly swollen nub, he didn’t know if he wanted to moan or bite his tongue off.

“You know, Bruce, for a guy who runs around as much as you do, you have really soft feet.” Selina casually remarked before she gave into temptation and ran her tongue up the sole in front of her, enjoying Bruce’s bucking as he almost screamed,

“S-Selina! P-pl-please s-stop! Hahahaha!” Bridgit then found a similar urge over taking her so she leaned down and ran her tongue along Bruce’s underarm, relishing in the squeal Bruce couldn’t hold back as she licked and nipped at the smooth skin there.

“Isn’t Bridgit beautiful, Bruce?” Selina asked before she nipped at his arch and soothed it with her tongue.

“V-v-very b-b-beautiful!” Bruce had started laughing so hard, he was actually crying a bit.

“Why don’t you show her how beautiful you think she is by eating her out?” As though convincing him of the idea, she tickled one sole with her claws and licked the other one, going so far as to take his pinky toe into her mouth and run her tongue all around it.

“A-anything y-you w-w-want!” Bruce was almost convinced he was having an out of body experience from the sensations. He took in a huge breath when they stopped while Bridgit moved to sit on his face, though he was surprised when she turned around so she would be facing Selina.

“If you think I’m going to stop tickling you and making you do that cute little laugh of yours, you’re as nuts as Selina says you are. Besides, this gives me better access to your cute little belly button.” Bruce whimpered before leaning forward to her center; he hadn’t had much practice with this, but he remembered a few drunken fumblings with Grace, and she directed him to what she liked and didn’t like, though this time he was hindered by only having his tongue and he was at the wrong angle to reach her clit. Still, he started by gently licking her inner lips with little nips here and there, and he heard her give a little moan.

“Looks like you haven’t been training your puppy enough Selina; he’s very shy, but seems like he’s -ah!- trying.” Bridgit stroked his hip as she spoke, and Selina smirked as she responded,

“Maybe we should encourage his tongue a bit more by way of example?” ‘Oh no, what now?’ Bruce whimpered before almost dislodging Bridgit when he bucked like a bronco at the feeling of tongues on his most ticklish spots. Selina repeated the action of putting his toes in her mouth and running her tongue and now teeth around them as she dragged her claws along the arch. Bridgit meanwhile leaned down and used her fingers to spider up and down his stomach as she stuck her tongue in his navel and swirled it around before nipping at the skin around it. As he laughed at such intense sensations, Bridgit moaned at the vibrations, causing her own tongue to vibrate in his navel, which made it tickle even more. He wondered about the heat that had started bubbling up in his stomach from all this; was he becoming aroused from being these powerful girls little tickle and sex toy?

[3laxx]

When the Dream ends - Chapter 1

Amity changed in the little bathroom that was attached to the room, before emerging and deadpanning at Luz giggling. “This isn’t funny.” “It’s a little funny!”

---

After the grudgby accident, Luz begins her recovery, Amity gets a bad case of the Gay Panic TM and everyone adjusts to the grueling reality of how badly accidents can actually go.

Read "In Your Dreams" first as Part 1, since this is Part 2!

I decided to cut the short story "In Your Dreams" where I originally intended to and finish it off there, and just put it into a series and put all following headcanons in here! This story is also rated mature because I will write flashbacks of the accident, so I'll eventually even change it to explicit. But yeah! Have fun reading!

Ao3 / FF.net

---

The next day, Amity and Luz only woke up late.

But Amity wouldn’t care. She only snuggled closer to the other girl and felt Luz nuzzling her nose into her hair, smiling. She didn’t know if humans usually kept friendships as physically close, but she didn’t mind as well. After all, she was just glad that she could snuggle with Luz that way. It felt so different than when the twins messed with her or took her into hugs.

Snuggling.

She had never done that yet, honestly. She had never snuggled like that. This was completely new for her, especially for a few hours. The longest she had touched someone was for a few minutes, maybe ten at most. She didn’t even think she had touched anyone for that long when she had been a baby witchling.

Luz slowly moved around a little, then she looked up to her friend and smiled when their eyes met.

“Hey, slept well?”

“Better than ever.”, Amity admitted before sitting up and stretching, earning a jealous gaze from Luz. She had been told not to move too much yet, so she had to stay put and wasn’t allowed to stretch. Amity gave her a sympathetic glance but Luz quickly brightened up again. And lifted her hand.

“Poke!”, she exclaimed and bopped Amity’s exposed tummy with her finger, causing the young witchling to immediately turn bright red again and topple backward and off the bed, yelping loudly before a loud thud sounded.

Luz winced and rolled over to look where Amity had fallen, meeting the witch’s tomato face and her arms frozen all over the place when she furrowed her eyebrows.

“… Sorry… I didn’t think you’d react so extremely. Are you okay?”

“Yep!”, Amity responded a little too loudly, laughing nervously, “I’m alright, everything is okay!”

Luz smiled as Amity got back up, but when the witchling’s gaze fell back on the clock she yelped again.

“My parents are going to kill me! I can’t even go to school late now, I’m in my pajamas!! What do I do?!”

Luz, still lying on the bed, groaned when she rolled back over and looked up to the panicking girl, grimacing.

“You could text Eda and ask her to sneak you into the manor?”

Amity switched from panic to planning and nodded, “Right, right. I can do that.”

“Or you could just skip.”, Luz grinned, then Amity looked up at her.

“But I never skip.”, the girl furrowed her eyebrows and summoned her scroll phone, huffing, “And Boscha is returning today, I wanna talk to her.”

“Okay, yeah, that’s valid.”, Luz began and tried to sit up but quickly, a short pain rippled through her back and she fell back into the sheets with a grimace, causing Amity to look up and make the scroll phone vanish with a poof.

“Luz! Are you okay? Eda told me not to let you get up!”, she quickly exclaimed and rushed to her friend’s side, putting a hand on Luz’s shoulder to keep her down, “Are you insane?! The healers said your spine was severely injured and you try to sit up?!”

Maybe her tone was a little too harsh, or the pain overwhelmed Luz, but Amity stopped immediately when tears appeared in the Latina’s eyes. She hesitated.

Oh no.

“Luz, I didn’t mean-…”, she started, but her friend shook her head, effectively cutting her off, “I-I’m sorry…”

The teenager took some time to breathe again, then she placed a soft hand on hers that Amity still kept on her shoulder, not wanting her to move again.

“I-It’s fine-… Just let me breathe for a moment…”, she finally winced and kept her eyes closed, her breath coming in pants, “D-Don’t be sorry. I’ll be okay.”

She slowly calmed down again, then she sighed. Amity knew immediately that school was off for her today. Luz was in pain and needed her, and she wouldn’t just go.

With one hand she summoned her scroll phone again and texted Boscha to let her know that Luz was awake and would be okay with her visiting, and Willow and Gus to invite them over for the afternoon. Eda was probably already on her way.

“Just keep it down for now, Luz. It’ll get better again. You just need some time.”

The girl slowly felt the pain subsiding and nodded once more, then Amity focused back on her phone to ask the twins to send her some clothes, and sure enough, their skills in Illusions were unparalleled. A few clothes were immediately delivered to her by an illusion of a delivery boy by Emira, who had snuck into the manor, grabbed some of her clothes, and ran to the Healer’s Coven unseen by her parents.

Amity changed in the little bathroom that was attached to the room, before emerging and deadpanning at Luz giggling.

“This isn’t funny.”

“It’s a little funny!”

The witchling rolled her eyes when she sat back down on the chair next to Luz’s bed, trying to slump so Luz wouldn’t be able to mock her but the girl gestured for her to straighten up again, “No, no, lemme see!”

She should’ve never trusted Ed and Em with getting her new clothes. Of course, they’d pick the most embarrassing stuff they could find. In this case, it was an old hoodie Ed had given her as a present for her 12th birthday. At least they had picked some normal orchid leggings.

Amity groaned when she straightened up again and pulled the hoodie so that Luz could read what was on there. Ed had gone all the way to make a print of a very badly drawn Amity holding a peace sign.

“Simply be witchling?!”, Luz giggled and Amity couldn’t deny the tiny blush she felt when she looked away and pursed her lips, “Whose idea was that? That is horrible!”

Groaning, she slumped again and rolled her eyes.

“Ed’s. He’s been bugging me to wear that hoodie for almost 3 years now.”, Luz still grinned, making Amity’s face go completely red, “Another word and I’ll leave right now!”

Luz didn’t need any words, though, making the girl squirm and sigh exasperatedly, crossing her arms.

“Stop. Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”, Luz smirked at her, the grin still not having left her face. She couldn’t deny Luz being extra adorable right now.

“Don’t stare at my hoodie. You’re just being mean right now.”

Before Luz could say something soothing, though, Eda barged in and the playful banter was forgotten.

“Hey, kid! I’m glad you’re feeling better!”

King hurried after Eda and jumped on Luz’s bed, before curling in on Luz’s stomach.

“I didn’t worry about you at all.”, he stated and Luz laughed, ruffling his fur.

“Of course not, King.”

It wasn’t long until Willow and Gus came to visit as well, telling them that Boscha had looked a little tired in school but was okay otherwise. She just didn’t want to visit yet. They assured Luz, though, that Boscha was going to be fine and that she just didn’t want to rush things.

After all, she had taken it pretty bad that she had hurt Luz that way.

 After Willow and Gus had left, Amity was just finishing up her homework that Willow and Gus had picked up from a classmate, and Eda and King packed their things up as well.

Luz’s eyes went wide at that, and she almost sat up again but remembered the pain before, so she stayed put.

“Eda, are you going back to the Owl House?”

Her mentor grimaced at that and shrugged, nodding.

“I wanna sleep in my nest, kid. I’ve been here for the last few days, I really need my house back now, especially since you’re awake and okay again.”

The human pouted at that and shook her head, “But Eda, I don’t wanna be alone tonight!”

The older witch deadpanned at that, but the two teenagers could see she was struggling to leave her apprentice alone.

“Kid, you’ll be fine for the night, I’m sure.”, Eda began, then a sinister look snuck into her eyes, “You could ask the Blight kid to stay.”

In an instant, Amity blushed hard again.

“I-I already stayed a night! My parents will kill me anyway, for skipping school! I shouldn’t, really.”

Luz’s puppy eyes weren’t enough to make her reconsider, her parents’ wrath was scarier than Luz was cute. In fact, she should call the twins right now to be picked up.

While Eda and Luz continued discussing, she summoned her scroll phone and called Edric’s phone. Shortly after, her brother picked up.

“Hi, Edric. Could you come to pick me up at the Healer’s Coven? It’s already after dark…”

Her brother lightly chuckled at that, then he seemed to whisper something with Emira, before answering.

“What do you mean, Mittens? You’re already home.”

“Hah hah, very funny.”, Amity rolled her eyes at her sibling’s antics, “Come pick me up now, mother and father will be furious enough that I skipped school today.”

Again, her brother’s voice seemed too innocent for her liking when he replied.

“But you went to school today, Mittens, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

This was getting on her nerves.

“Edric, I’m serious, you doofus. Hand the phone to Em.”

He did as she had instructed him to, but Emira sounded just like their brother, making Amity’s anger boil.

“Hey Mittens, I’d say a thank you would be fitting now, don’t you think?”

“Don’t play dumb with me. What did you two do?”, Emira and Edric chuckled again in the background and Amity growled.

“We only saved your nerd butt, little sister! Thank us tomorrow when you’re done flirting with Luz. Oh, and greet that cutie from us! We’re very glad she’s okay.”

Suddenly, she understood her siblings’ smugness. Oh no, that’d be expensive for her.

“… What do you want for the Illusion spell?”

Again, the twins laughed at each other, as if they had a sinister plan. In fact, they sounded exactly like Eda had looked.

“For you to become cool and bring home a girlfriend. And now be a dear and go to bed, like your Illusion just did.”

A click later, Amity almost felt like fainting from all the blood shooting into her face. These smug demons. She turned back to Eda and Luz who were still arguing about whether to leave King here or not when they noticed her having stopped calling. For some reason, Eda smirked.

“My siblings are little snakes and make me stay here.”

“How come?”, Luz asked, looking surprised. She was so sweet and naïve, Amity almost had to sigh.

“They created an Illusion of me so mother and father wouldn’t find out about me sneaking out last night. They kept it up the whole day and it’s in my bed right now.”

Eda chuckled.

“Your siblings are geniuses. I would’ve liked to be able to do that in school.”, she finally admitted and Amity only blushed in a deeper shade of red, while Luz lightened up.

“That means you can stay the whole night?”, she already smiled and Amity just couldn’t stay mad at her siblings. She knew they were just helping in their own, smug way.

“Yea, I suppose it means exactly that.”, she exchanged a small smile with Luz. This was going to be fine, right? She would be fine. She had done one night already! She could do a second!

Eda put all the stuff she had needed to stay here for an extended time in a bag and swung it on Owlbert who was ready in the air.

“Well then, you kids stay out of trouble. Don’t have any fun without me. And you-”, she glared at Luz, “Stay in bed.”

Both of them nodded and waited until Eda had finally wrestled King onto her staff and flown away, then Amity turned back to Luz who was already grinning in excitement.

“Azura Book Club?”, she asked and Amity had to smile at that.

“I forgot Book 5 here when I visited yesterday, we can read that!”

Luz pumped a fist in the air but immediately yelped and let it sink slowly again, causing Amity to drop her small bag that she had originally packed to be picked up, and rush to her side.

“Are you okay?”, she asked, her eyes filling with worry, “Luz, you gotta mind how you move, we want you to get better…”

The Latina nodded slowly, then she sighed and rubbed her shoulder, before testing her toes again. She could still feel them, it had just been a little scare.

“Yeah, I know… Still, I’d like to sit up.”

Amity deadpanned.

“Did you even listen to what I literally just said?”, she asked exasperatedly, spreading her arms in a gesture as if to ask why. Luz managed a strained smile.

“I’ve been on my back the entire time since I woke up… Amity, I just wanna sit for a moment, otherwise I’ll die here. Can you help me?”

Amity flinched at the phrasing and bit her lip. She didn’t know enough about humans. Did they really die when lying on their bed for too long?

“W-Would you-… Really die?”

Luz rolled her eyes at that but smiled, then she shook her head, not wanting to upset her.

“No, I wouldn’t actually die. It’s just an expression. But I’d still like to sit up. Can you prop up your frame here, like back home?”

Amity nodded and got behind the bed, then she grabbed the lever to unhinge the frame so she could prop it up, but hesitated to pull it.

“Are you sure that you can’t get more hurt through that? Like, 100%, absolutely positively sure?”

Luz nodded and looked at her upside down.

“I am otterly sure.”, then she grinned.

Amity shook her head at that, sighing, “You’re unbelievable. Okay, you stay on the mattress until I propped you up as far as it goes, and then you wait for me to help you sit, okay?”

Luz nodded again, this time staying silent at her words. She seemed to concentrate.

“As soon as you feel pain, let me know.”

With that, Amity pulled the lever to unhinge the bedframe and slowly propped it up before clicking it into place at the highest option, then she secured the lever again and walked to Luz’s side to see the girl leaning against the propped-up mattress with a smile.

“That’s already way better. And technically, I’ll do what Eda said, stay in bed.”

Then she slowly lifted her hands, asking Amity to come closer with grabby hands.

“And now help me up.”

The young witchling sighed, then she let her eyes wander over the human’s face. There were no signs of hidden pain. She didn’t seem to be in pain. Apparently, as far as moving her body carefully was concerned, she was okay. But Amity wasn’t too sure about Luz using her own muscles yet.

On the other hand, she had already rolled over without feeling pain.

“Okay. But we do this slowly and as soon as you feel bad, we stop, you got that?”, Luz still made the grabby hands and Amity sighed then, nodding.

She sat down by Luz’s side to carefully wrap an arm around her waist, careful to squish the mattress and not move Luz’s spine too much, before feeling Luz gingerly wrap her arm around her shoulders and them joining their free hands in front of them. It almost felt like when Luz and she had danced at Grom.

“Okay, slowly, on three. One… Two… Three.”

Amity softly pressed her up with her shoulder, taking care not to move or bend her spine too much and minding her back to stay straight, and she pulled with her hand in Luz’s.

Luz panted and sweat formed on her forehead, but she didn’t make a sound when she sat up and finally let their arms sink, still leaning heavily onto Amity but managing to keep her straight back by herself.

For a moment, Luz looked around, then she turned back to Amity, who only then noticed how close they were to each other. Spluttering, she blushed deeply, before coughing and blinking a little too fast.

“A-Are you in pain?”, she finally managed and Luz made a wavy hand. She didn’t know what that meant.

“A little. But it’s fine! That’s just how it feels like to sit after some time of lying in bed. Wow, I am so glad to be sitting right now, I really need that.”, Luz immediately brabbled and the witchling couldn’t help but smile at that.

“Are you sure you wanna stay like that?”

Luz began sweating. So, she was in more pain than she would’ve liked to admit. Amity frowned and brought her free hand up to Luz’s shoulder to get her attention as Luz rested her head on hers.

“Luz, I really think you should lie down.”, she began but the girl groaned and shook her head.

“Just another moment. I-… I’ve been so sick of not moving, I just wanna-…”, another groan. That was the end of the line for Amity.

“Hold on, I’m helping you back down.”

Luz whined at that but she wouldn’t let her talk her out of this. She had to lie back down since her body wasn’t ready for moving too much yet.

Her face was a little more ashen when she sank into the covers and Amity wanted to pull her arm out but Luz kept her close.

“Just-… Just for right now. Stay. Just for this moment.”, the human panted, the sweat slowly subsiding, leaving her skin cooling out.

“Luz-”

“… Just a moment.”, the girl interrupted her and began breathing slower again, much to Amity’s relief. The color slowly returned to her face and she leaned against her friend, completely exhausted, “I just want this moment.”

Amity sighed and let her head rest against her cheek, then she slowly brushed a moist strand of hair out of her face and kissed her forehead.

In an instant, she froze up, while Luz hummed.

She had not just done that. After watching so many teen romances with Luz, the gesture had stuck with her, but she never thought it’d come to her so naturally. While sitting next to Luz, her arm trapped beneath the girl’s back, half lying, leaning against the mattress, holding her exhausted friend. This had been completely reflexive. Amity slowly pulled back when Luz frowned, huffing.

“Why’d you stop, I liked that-…”, she drawled, more asleep than she was awake by now. Amity, her face now a blaring red, merely gave her a neutral hum and then carefully pulled her arm out to lower the bed back down. By the time Luz was horizontal again, she had regained some of her consciousness to look at Amity.

“Can I get a goodnight kiss like that every night now?”, she asked, her eyes dazed and her words slurring. Amity wordlessly sat down on the chair, opened Azura Book 5, and cleared her throat to begin reading, still shocked from her action and desperately trying to ignore that ever happened but Luz made it clear that she was not interested in making her life easy, “Please?”

Amity concealed another splutter with a cough, then she nodded at her lap, not daring to look up. The book was right in front of her eyes. She could just start reading as she read to the kids, and everything would be forgotten, but once again when she breathed in, Luz picked that exact moment to make her life even harder.

“Thank you…”

Amity finally looked up to meet her gaze and her friend genuinely smiled. The young witchling shyly smiled back before starting to read Chapter 12.

“But the good witch Azura wouldn’t stand down. She had her ally Hecate by her side and she would fight for the good. ‘So be it!’, she called out, ‘If you refuse to leave, we wi-”

“‘If you refuse to leave, we will make you regret that decision!’, and Hecate nodded in agreement.”, Amity rolled her eyes softly, smiling. Luz could recite the book word by word.

“If you want to read?”

But as she had asked that question, Luz had already fallen asleep. Shaking her head, Amity leaned back, adjusted the book, and started anew.

“‘If you refuse to leave, we will make you regret that decision’, and Hecate nodded in agreement. They readied their staffs and-”

---

Let me know if you liked the continuation!

[outropeace]

elotito tagged me on this so i’m gonna do it for her <33333

1. describe how you first started writing and when you first posted

i began to write in general since i was around 14 like any other emo kid kdjdjsks and o began to write fics when a friend asked me for one as a birthday present. it was written in a hurry and it’s not my favorite but i really enjoyed doing it. i posted that exact same fic on their birthday

2. which of your characters do you typically resonate most closely with? do you base any characters off of yourself?

it depends the fic i guess. and not really, i think the closest i’ve been to do that is in the rockstar au (coming to the @bottomlouisficfest very soon), i put one or two of my old insecurities in h so he could connect better and wouldn’t be persieved as just an asshole-y dude cause i don’t like that and louis don’t deserve that uwu🌸

3. where do you often find inspiration?

music, movies, tiktoks (DONT JUDGE KDKDKS)

4. has quarantine helped or hindered your writing process?

before the quarantine i had around 3 wips, now i have 8

5. do you listen to music/noise while you write or do you prefer silence?

i listen lofi youtube playlists shjdkld

6. what is your biggest writing pet peeve in your writing or in general?

me repeating “Oh...” over and over again through tall my fics, it shouldn’t be legal

7. describe your ideal writing setup

rainy day, good coffee, comfy sweater, my cat besides me, arely sending texts about teeth/imessage games, snacks

8. favorite time of day to write?

nights (it’s usually when i have time)

9. favorite genre to write + one you’d like to try writing in the future?

i’d LOVE to write a thriller

10. do you struggle with writer’s block? how do you typically overcome it?

i just leave the fic for a bit, i don’t really like to push myself about this cause i’m just doing it for fun

11. what is the easiest part of your writing process and the most difficult?

the easiest is the dialogues, i could write pages and pages of just dialogues in hours and the hardest is the smut dhjdd

12. how do you come up with original characters? (if applicable)

it depends, is the antagonist? i ask myself how’d i feel if i were them, like a third party just trying (and usually failing) to get in between

13. what is your favorite and least favorite word?

i like “wet” i just... yeah.... and least favorite i don’t really know tbh

14. what is one thing about your writing that you’re really proud of and one thing you hope to continue working at?

i like that people conect with the characters because i always put a lot of effort in making them realistic (as much as i can), i make them flawled and sometimes even messy but with good hearts and intentions, all of them are (even the antagonists). and my grammar OH MY GOD MY GRAMMAR

15. what work of yours has your favorite ‘verse/world building? how did you come up with it?

hands down the ice prince fic. and funny thing is, i already had my prompt for the fic fest but i just couldn’t stop thinking about one particular prompt about a bratty prince and an alpha who hated omegas and the amount of POSSIBILITIES that had. two days later or so, the mods of the fest gave us the opportunity to pick another prompt if we wanted and the rest is HISTORY

16. what font and size do you write in? single spaced or double?

11 and single

17. what is a typo(s) you find yourself making consistently?

baby do we have TIME FOR THIS ONE?

18. (if applicable) do you separate fic writing from fandom?

yes, always 100000000%

19. what emotion is your favorite to write? which is the most difficult?

angst, sadness, anguish, sorrow, jealousy, i love to hurt hearts. and it’s not an emotion but after they get together it’s really difficult to me to actually keep going (oh god dkdkdkkdd)

20. what is one thing you hope readers always take away from your works?

that that’s okay to fuck up, that no matter the circumstances you have to respect your partner and TALK WITH THEM and that a person can be successful, independent and a badass while being soft and a c*mslut

21. what is the best and worst writing advice you’ve ever received?

i think “write whatever you like, you’re not being paid for it anyways” is the best and only advise i’ve actually listened to

22. which one of your works would you most want to see turned into a film/television show?

it’s complicated cause my two favorites are abos and idk how that would work dkskkss but the ice prince and the alpha/alpha fic

23. do you write scenes chronologically or out of order?

chronologically but i have a document apart where i write everything that comes to my mind at the moment, that one is A MESS

24. how do you handle criticism?

i think good, if it’s respectful

25. what is the advice you would give to someone who is looking to start writing?

trust yourself, have fun

26. what kind of feedback on your work always makes your day?

ANY type of positive feedback makes my day tbh

27. which fic ‘verse of your own would you most like to exist in? which fic’s characters would you most like to befriend?

none tbh dkdkks and louis, obviously

28. what do you always enjoy getting asks about/wish people would ask about more?

about my stories, i love when people just come to rant to me about certain things the characters did and ask me why they did it

29. what has writing added to your life? how has it changed you?

it relaxes me a lot. i just can write for hours and hours and it just feels nice and in some way exciting

30. why do you write?

refer to question 29 kdkdkxk

boost yourself + tags!

1a. share the last sentence you wrote

from the exes to lovers au:

The second hiccup of the night came in the form of his ex smiling to a boy sitting next to him on a couch. The boy had gorgeous, dark and wild hair, clear hazel eyes and a pretty pouty mouth. Their body language screamed attraction and that they both were ready to devour each other. Louis was familiar to the smile Harry was giving to him, bright and seductive, ready to give anything you asked for.

2a. describe the wip you’re most excited about

right now i’m very excited for the happiest season au, my “cliche story” au and for my exes to lovers au dksks i’m excited about a lot of my wips i’m so sorryjdjd

3a. share the piece of dialogue from one of your works you’re most proud of

from the alpha/alpha au:

“I’m not giving up on love,” He softly touched the hand that was still grabbing his thigh. “To me, love is like flowers. Each one needs a special treatment, if you give an orchid the same treatment you give to an iris, the orchid will die. Same thing with love. I’m not giving up on love, I’m just changing the treatment. We might not be an orchid, but we could make such a pretty iris.”

4a. share the best first and last lines from your work(s)

favorite first line from the sugar baby au:

Powerful people only end up with powerful people. The rest are just playthings in their lives. Louis Tomlinson was many things, but he wasn’t anybody’s plaything.

favorite last line from the ice prince fic:

“Who would have guessed…” Harry whispered after a while, smiling against Louis’ lips. “the dragon finally got to keep the princess.”

5a. link the last fic you read

HAYLEY’S MASTERPIECE

6a. link the last work you published

that’d be the ice prince fic

7a. link to your ao3 (if applicable)

hereee

8a. someone that inspires you

louis teheeee

9a. a comfort fic/work that you’ve been grateful for this year

god, again, there’s so so many of them, like the amount of authors i’m so grateful for, the list is infinite but these are a few that comes to my mind

all elote’s (@defencelesst) fics makes me really really happy and never fails to give me a cozy/wintery feeling, her louis IS THE MOST PRECIOUS THING ON EARTH AND HER HARRY IS JUST PERFECTION, i’m in love with her descriptions and how she just takes you THERE. hanis @loulicate-recs always makes me smile so fucking hard. ris @falsegoodnight fics NOW.... well.... ris fics they make me smile but also make me want to throw my phone to the other side of the room BEST OF BOTH WORLD IG. MAR’S FICS (loubellies on twitter, idk their @ here i’m sORRY) ARE LITERALLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE AUTHORS AT THE MOMENT, such a pretty louis IM SO IN LOVE WITH MAR’S LOUIS ITS UNFAIR

10a. other writers that you’d like to tag!

omg i’m probably so late to this and idk how many of you have actually done this so here goes nothing @allwaswell16, @runaway-train-works, @greenfeelings, @kingsofeverything, @thepolourryexpress, @larents

[thessaliadpdx]

Interlude: Field Marshal Zhuāngyuán Rallies the Troops. Chuntian Cao Gets the Girl. Master Yuanyuan, Ahem, Third Master Shen, Gets His Fourth Apartment.

Unbeknownst to Shen Yuan, he was the subject of much concern. Back at the Shen Family Estate, Da-ge smacked Er-ge upside the head. An embarrassment to the Shen Family name! Little Brother was raised better than that! Baba would have been disappointed! Mama would have cried! 

Er-ge drooped and nodded in agreement. “Yes, Da-ge. I’ll go over and apologize as soon as he will see me.”

The Brothers Shen worked themselves into a froth about their family’s Yuanyuan getting a roommate. They weren’t the only ones. The other residents of the Shen Family Estate were also deeply concerned. Upon hearing that Shen Yuan was to have a long-term houseguest, Steward Zhuangyuan fretted about Shen Yuan being deprived. Master Yuanyuan, ahem, Third Master Shen couldn’t possibly accommodate a long-term guest in his cramped, pokey little apartment! (Shen Real Estate Agent: “Pokey? It’s 360 square meters with four rooms!”) In Steward Zhuangyuan’s opinion, Master Yuanyuan only picked it because it had decent light. They should have rented another apartment in the same building and made it into a studio. 

Steward Zhuangyuan recollected the effort required to make for Master Yuanyuan’s, ahem, Third Master Shen’s current apartment passable. Only two years ago, it had been a struggle. The Shen Family employees had done their best, but the steward still felt it barely up to standard for a Shen. Thank goodness Master Yuanyuan was so biddable. Steward Zhangyuan remembered when the frighteningly tiny young master had first come home, barely larger than a grapefruit. He remembered all the hospital stays thereafter. Everyone did, and they worried about Master Yuanyuan so, counting the months until the next time. So far it had been two years, but everyone still held their breath.

Master Yuanyuan was the last reminder of the late Madam Shen, the artistic genius and gracious mistress. (Steward Zhuangyuan declined to remember all the times she screamed and threw oily paintbrushes at her husband’s head. He usually deserved it.) Master Yuanyuan, unlike his older brothers, was a gentleman, a scholar, and an artistic genius in his own right. (Steward Zhuangyuan also declined to remember all the times Master Yuanyuan screamed and threw ink brushes at his father and brothers when they denied him things they perceived as for his own good. They usually deserved it.)

At the very least The Young Master had needed a studio, a study, an office, a game room, a master bedroom and a guest bedroom for that questionable friend of his. (Shang Qinghua: “Hey! I’m a nice guy! I didn’t know he was sixteen when he read my book!”) Master Yuanyuan, as sweet and good-natured as ever, kindly suggested that he could tutor students in the dining room, and place bookshelves against the wall. He also suggested that the living room also be used for gaming, movies, and music. 

Upon hearing that, First Master Shen gleefully called the Chairman of Hangsong to send their latest TV, something experimental. Six people from Shen Construction marched into the apartment. Four reinforced the living room wall, added a wall mount, and installed a 250cm television. Two wired the room for the TV, added a home theater sound system from Onsuhi, and a GM6 with the lastest games, some of which were review copies. The two grinned at the other four. Testing was an essential part of installation, right? 

Auntie Chu had found the tiny 20-square-meter kitchen marginal, at best. The appliances were old and shabby. (If the refrigerator could talk: “Hey! I’m only two years old and I cost 6899 yuan! Rude!” The stove just cried, greatly aggrieved. uwuwuwuwu) Auntie Chu nodded her head firmly. She knew what to do. Meals would be delivered every day from the Shen Estate, and new appliances must be ordered.

First Master Shen gleefully did more research. He looked for something modest, and called Chufang Bangshou for a French-door refrigerator, complete with pull-out drawer for cold cuts and snacks, and a pull-out freezer. A steal for 23,000 yuan. Then he called Zhu Rong Stoves, and ordered the four-burner self-cleaning convection gas range with the 50,000 BTU wok burner. He also ordered a fume hood. A trifling 60,000 yuan.

The previous six people from Shen Construction carried in the refrigerator, stove, and hood. An additional seventh person went with to hook up the natural gas. The Head Chef certified in Medicinal Cuisine Auntie Chu lightly walked behind. Finally, several Shen Estate kitchen staff rolled in a couple coolers. Under Auntie Chu’s gimlet eye the Shen Construction workers carefully attached and installed the new refrigerator, fume hood, and stove. 

Auntie Chu pronounced herself satisfied, and waved at her assistants, who promptly opened coolers of prepped ingredients and set up additional burners. Under the famished, yearning gaze of the Shen Construction crew, they whipped up a banquet and laid it before the workers. It was like Lunar New Year and Great-Grandfather’s 100th birthday and the Grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary all at once. They would have to save a year for food this good, assuming there was a place that served it.

Auntie Chu said, “Testing is an important part of installation. Yes?”

Seven heads bobbed up and down like chickens.

Auntie Chu and her assistants left. The original six grinned at each other, then at the seventh. The TV, music, and gaming systems needed to be tested again. Testing, indeed, was an important part of installation.

The 8K 200Hz TV was a beast compared to what any of them had at home. The seventh looked around when they heard a glass shatter. Wow, just wow. 

This was probably going to be the last time they could play, and they all mourned silently.

Next was Auntie Wu. She inspected the apartment with white gloves, found dust, and sniffed at the substandard work. Filthy. (Housekeeping: “She wiped the back of the fridge! Unfair!”) The laundry service left a wrinkle in some sheets. (Laundry: “Hey! The main pressing iron is down! We did them all by hand and on time!”)

Auntie Wu decided that the Shen staff would dust daily, and launder everything at home. The conditions were abysmal. Master Yuanyuan was so brave. Her mouth wobbled. She’d never imagined he’d live this long. She’d been terrified that dust would cause him to have a bronchospasm and die. She had to call the ambulance so many times, even though a doctor and three nurses resided on the grounds.

Driver Siji had donned some old clothes, approached the car service manager and had asked for directions to S University. The manager said that he would have to use GPS. Driver Siji told Steward Zhuangyuan that the manager couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag. (Service Drivers: “Hey! He can’t find his way out of a paper bag! That’s why he doesn’t drive!”) He also found a footprint in one of the floormats. Lazy. (Driver: “Hey! I just went to pee!”)

Driver Siji had decided that they would have one of the Estate staff on site. There would have to be three, for twenty-four-hour coverage. Driver Siji remembered when he used to drive Young Master Yuanyuan to University at age ten. Master Yuanyuan was so tiny, a skinny little bird with thick, goggle-like glasses. Driver Siji had worried that he would trip and break a bone. 

Driver Siji had reported to Madam that The Youngest Master seemed exhausted, and suggested that it might be better for him to stay at home. The fiery Madam Shen said that The Youngest Master would attend University as long as he wished, until he said otherwise. Madam Shen then inquired if Driver Siji needed to be assigned elsewhere. Driver Siji wanted to kowtow in the face of such ferocity, but bowed deeply instead and apologized for his presumption. Appeased, Madam Shen accepted his apology and said he would resume his current duties, as he was the best driver they had. Grateful, Driver Siji wanted to walk backwards to the door, like in an Imperial drama.

#####

Head Gardener Huayuan had much better luck. Upon first inspection, the shrubbery was cheap and ill-shaped. No flowers brightened the neighborhood. Pretending to be a prospective student’s grandfather, he performed a little investigation of his own. Landscape Supervisor Xiang was a sensible person, a very good seedling. She had a master’s degree in horticulture from Q Agricultural University, first in her class. She picked this job to support her mother back home. After a while, the usually stand-offish childless widower said, “Call me Grandpa.” 

Xiang Hua’s mouth wobbled a little bit, because her grandfather died when she was young, and she missed him terribly. She discussed with the very knowledgeable Grandpa Huayuan the city’s push for water reduction. She also confessed her dream to see wild birds live where she worked. The kindly retiree understood the difficulty of maintaining such extensive grounds with such a tiny budget. Naturescaping was the perfect solution, and letting native plants grow wild created nesting sites and fed local insects, which in turn fed the birds. 

Such a wise and creative person must be encouraged. Grandpa Huayuan and Xiao Xiang discussed favorite flowers, and Xiao Xiang described her collection of orchids in her tiny apartment. Grandpa Huayuan described some of the orchids he’d seen in private collections. He’d even seen the gardens of the Shen Estate. Xiao Xiang sighed. She’d seen a feature article in a floriculture magazine.

A couple days later, the usual seven from Shen Construction had arrived to install bookshelves. The actual job only required three people at the very most, but they slunk off anyway. 

Incidentally, their supervisor reported the information to The Big Boss as ordered. Big Boss Shen had wanted updates on all work done on Third Master Shen’s apartment. Big Boss chuckled and waved his hand. They’re the best we’ve got, he said, and they all work hard. They deserve a little reward. Testing is a necessary part of installation, no?

The supervisor nodded.

Additionally, one of the junior gardeners rode along, holding a basket. He was to meet someone named Xiang Hua, the landscape supervisor. The delivery was of upmost importance. Head Gardener had told the junior that his mission was vital to the Shen Estate Gardens. He was to deliver the basket, and report back without delay. The junior had nodded so hard his chest wobbled. Upon finding Landscape Supervisor Xiang, he thrust the basket into her hands and scurried off. 

Xiang Hua, curious, opened the basket. Inside was a rare orchid she wouldn’t have been able to afford, assuming she could find one for sale. Next to it was an envelope. 

The letter read: 

“Xiao Xiang, I must apologize for my deception. I originally came to inspect the landscaping to see if the environs was worthy of our Third Master. I have not had such a lively conversation with a junior in a very long time. 

Someone with your gifts is wasted here, and should be working in an environment where you can learn and grow. Come and work for Grandpa Huayuan instead. 

Sincerely, 

Huayuan Yuan, Head Gardener, Shen Estate Gardens”

The letter named a salary that was twice what she currently made. It also mentioned that living quarters and meals were provided. Her mother would be able to live there if so desired.

Xiang Hua, a country girl raised on a poor family farm, started to cry. It was a dream come true. 

Chuntian Cao, the lead worker of her construction crew, noticed a young, tiny, pretty woman reading a letter and crying. Taller than most men at 180cm, she lumbered over to see if she could help. Chuntian Cao was a woman of fine tastes and knew a good thing when she saw the Meimei, or Little Sister, in distress. The wet, reddened eyes like a little white rabbit’s rendered Caocao helpless. The callused fingers dusty with a little dirt made Meimei even more of a catch. A hard worker with such pretty features would make for a perfect wife, especially for a plain fisherman’s daughter. She really wanted to give Meimei a hug and eat some tofu, but now was definitely not the time. 

She sidled closer to Meimei and silently offered a hug. “Hey there, Meimei. Why so sad? Some dumbass said goodbye?” She wrapped her arm around a lightly muscled shoulder. She looked down, and noted the delicacy of a collarbone. She dropped her voice. “Does Meimei need someone beaten up?” She rumbled. “I’m good at that.” She didn’t lie. At 90 kilos of muscle from pulling nets then hauling lumber, Chuntian Cao packed a deadly punch. She loved beating the shit out of people who deserved it. Unfortunately, the guys at Shen Construction were well-behaved. She went to bars instead.

Meimei plastered herself against Chuntian Cao in a hug and bawled. It was like an idol drama, only Chuntian Cao was the school grass, and Meimei was the school flower. She resisted eating the tofu, but it was really hard. Chuntian Cao waved at her crew and mouthed at them to go on up. They grinned at her and waved back. Xiao Hu, that fucker, made kissy faces. She wanted to gesture back, but her hands were occupied.

Meimei hiccuped, “I just got the best news in my life and I don’t know what to do!” She held out the letter with a trembling hand.

Chuntian Cao read it. “Old Man Gardener offered you a job? He told you to call him Grandpa? I’d never believed it if I hadn’t seen it!” She gave Meimei a squeeze. No eating the tofu, Caocao. Be good. 

Meimei snuggled up and held on tight. Caocao looked up to the heavens and breathed in deep. She sighed, and bit her lip. It was even better when the tofu ate you. She patted Meimei on the head. “Gonna come and work for us?”

“Mmm?” Meimei looked up, dazed.

“I’m with Shen Construction!” Chuntian Cao said proudly. “I’m the lead worker of my crew. Wanna come up and hang out with us? I’ll introduce ya!”

Meimei pressed close enough that the only way she could get closer was for Chuntian Cao to crack her chest open and spread her ribs wide. For such a sugar-sweet armful, Caocao would be perfectly willing to do so. Would Meimei top? Caocao sincerely hoped so.

“Okay,” Meimei said.

Meimei’s name was Xiang Hua, and she ate and gamed with the crew. The now-eight workers knew this was their last chance at testing the systems, so they were going to do their best. Beer, snacks, fried chicken and barbecue were the order of the day, and a merry time was had by all.

At the end of Caocao’s first date with Xiang Hua, Caocao got pushed down backwards on her own bed. Xiang Hua straddled her hips. Xiang Hua said that Caocao was the Meimei, and Meimeis did what their Jiejies, their Big Sisters, told them to.  

Caocao sighed with happiness. Fucking finally. She was so tired of being a Jiejie. Everyone assumed that a 180cm, 90 kilo, plain-faced girl wanted to be a Jiejie. Caocao had always insisted she wanted to be a spoiled little Meimei instead, but no one believed her.

They got married in the Shen Estate Gardens the following year. Mama Xiang teared with pride, then flew back home to the countryside. Caocao cried with relief that her mother-in-law wasn’t going to live with them. Huajie hummed with pleasure when she made her little Caomei apologize with desperation.

Caomei, with the help of a fertility clinic and amazing health benefits, bore two babies by her Huajie. Mama Xiang cried at being Grandma Xiang. Grandpa Yuan cried at being Great-Grandpa Yuan. The spoiled little Caomei had little ones to spoil in turn. She loved it.

Huajie, now Assistant Head Gardener Xiang, smiled with satisfaction--a tigress overlooking her tigress and their little tiger cubs.

#####

Steward Zhuangyuan gathered the senior staff, and cobbled together a plan of action. The apartment had been upgraded as best they could. The winning crew from Shen Construction had moved everything in. Auntie Wu’s staff had put it to rights. Auntie Chu’s staff had stocked the refrigerator, arranged the utensils, flatware, and glassware. They had made meal plans. 

Master Yuanyuan smashed all the plans to bits. Auntie Wu’s staff were only allowed over once a week. She cried into her handkerchief. Auntie Chu’s staff were only allowed to drop off pre-prepped meals for him to cook himself. And that was only every three days. She sniffled discreetly. Driver Siji was only allowed to send someone when called, and only when called. No hanging around the garage, “just in case.” Driver Siji wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

First Master and Second Master commiserated with Steward Zhuangyuan, but there was nothing they could do. The late Madam Shen had made it very clear to the two that Yuanyuan was to make his own decisions, and they were to butt out. Yuanyuan was smart enough to understand what he was and was not capable of, and they needed to respect his wishes. And that, was that.

Occasionally they forgot, but that was for another time.

Finally, the cherished but astonishingly unspoiled Master Yuanyuan moved in, quite pleased with his cozy abode. Only 360 square meters with four bedrooms! Nice furnishings, but not too grand! Having the latest electronics was okay. He was now a solid member of the middle class!

Shang Qinghua, good friend and sponge extraordinaire, hated to break it to his best friend that his “middle class apartment” was solidly in the upper five percent. Shen Yuan’s face fell. The personal services kicked him up to the upper one percent. Black lines filled Shen Yuan’s face.

Shen Yuan’s plan of having a place near the campus that wouldn’t terrify his students failed utterly. His more privileged students, ready to intimidate “Some guy named Shen Yuan my parents forced me to see,” were intimidated in turn by his exquisite manners and knowledge at such a young age. To the manor born, so to speak. After hearing from their parents that he was one of Those Shens, they meeped instead of roared. 

His underprivileged students, in awe at the surroundings, were even more in awe with this friendly Young Master. Their favorite professor in Classical Chinese had referred them, and they had worried they wouldn’t be good enough. Later, they felt honored to be tutored by the nicest rich person they had ever met, a true genius. He was obviously better off than the snooty rich kids at the university, but he didn’t act like it. He was so cool, he’d invite them to game when their session was over. He was even pretty enough to be the school flower of the entire campus! 

#####

That was then, but now Master Yuanyuan had a houseguest. Would Master Yuanyuan finally come home? Please say yes! 

Steward Zhuangyuan received a call, but it was not the call he wanted. Instead of returning to where he belonged, Master Yuanyuan was going to move into a villa instead. A villa! How horrid! 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #430

“when the girl in the corner is everyone’s woman, she could kill you with a wink of her eye”

What kind of dog do you find most ugly? What a mean question. ;-; I don't think they're ugly, but I probably find chihuahuas to be the least visually appealing. Do you like wood floors or carpet better? Wood. Do you think the USA bullies other countries? Quite frankly, yes. Are you currently in love right now? No. Favorite fast food joint? Sonic. What would you do if your ex contacted you? THE ex, have a panic attack. Cry. Be wordlessly ecstatic. Be scared and confused. Do you still have feelings for your ex? Two, yes, but one is unrealistic considering I have no idea who he is anymore. It's been way too long for me to possibly, accurately like him. Ever tasted a flavored condom? No. Do you know CPR? No. How much do you care about your best friend? I'd die for her. Do you watch Dr. Phil? No. What age would you like to have a child? I don't want kids ever. Are your parents wealthy? Mom, absolutely not. Dad seems to be financially stable, but not wealthy or anything. Pick one state you’d love to live in? Alaska. How many pets do you want? And of what? Man, I want a LOT. I know I want more ball python morphs, a plains hognose, a woma python, numerous tarantulas, a fat-tailed gecko, a boa, orchid mantises, a sphynx, a tegu would be super cool... I'd love to have like an empire of pets one day, aha, but only so long as I could maintain them all and adequately provide for them. Have you ever asked someone out? Yes. When do you want to get married? I mean, I don't have a set age in mind. I want to get married when I'm ready. Can you play a musical instrument? I played the flute for yeeeaaaars in middle and high school, but I remember almost nothing by now. What if you stopped orgasming for the rest of your life? Idc, honestly. Does money make you happy? Money probably makes me happier than it should, but I'm not like madly in love with it or anything. Happens when you're poor your whole life. Your favorite breakfast food? Ugh, cinnamon rolls are a godsend. When was the last time you went to a funeral? I actually don't think I've ever been to one... only wakes. I really, really wish I could have gone to Jason's mom's, though... There was just no fucking way that I was going to risk upsetting Jason on THAT day of all days by popping up. Have you ever stolen someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend? Well, we never actually dated, but you could say that... Tell me the date of your first kiss. I don't know the exact date, but it was March 2012. Are your legs long or short? Normal, I guess? How many phobias do you have? Man, a lot. Is there a bookshelf in your room? No. Do you use the Facebook chat often? Barely at all. I only really use it to chat with Girt on the rare occasion we talk. Who got you hooked on the addiction you're addicted to (If you have one)? I discovered Mark on my own; I needed help in an Amnesia: The Dark Descent custom story, so I found his playthrough and watched it. Got a few laughs, subscribed. It was Jason who introduced me to Amnesia, though, so I can indirectly thank him, I guess? haha Are you currently worried about your parents finding out about something? No. Have you ever lived with a friend? Yeah, for a couple months. Have you ever only liked someone because you found out they liked you? No. Ever been on a real diet, or did you just stop eating? I've tried multiple diets. Have you ever known a white supremacist? I know multiple. Welcome to the South. Do you like the smell of a barbecue? Yesss. It's funny because I hate the food itself. Have you ever gone out in public in your pajamas? Yeah. It's not rare, if I'm being honest. How many times have you been to the ER? Too many times because of being suicidal. How many people are you currently texting? None. Anything exciting coming up? My nephew's birthday is in a few days! Would you rather get money or gift cards for your birthday? Money, so I can use it for anything. Do you have Instagram? I have three, ha ha. One for my basic photography, another for my morbid photos, and I went through a very short phase of having an Instagram for my pets. It still exists, but I don't really use it. Have you ever spoken to a detective before? No. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. Do ladders scare you? Yes. Hot dogs or hamburgers? Cheeseburgers may possibly be my favorite food. Do you have any tattoos on your arms? I do. Have you ever owned or known someone who owned a black cat? I've owned plenty of black cats. What album is the last song you listened to from? It's from Disguise. What’s the last funny movie you watched? Probably Elf. Can you remember your parents’ birthdays? Mom's, yes. I only remember the month of my dad's. If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you pick? I think I want to get my tribute to Teddy next. How do you feel about band tattoos? Hey, go for it. I see nothing wrong with it. What piercing do you like most on the opposite sex? Probably snakebites. Lip piercings in general are hot lmao. Are you any good at applying make up? Noooo, my hands are so shaky. How old were the last 3 people you kissed? Sara's 23; idr the exact ages of Girt and Tyler. I think Tyler was a year younger than me, and Girt is at the bare minimum three years older than me. If you found out you got someone pregnant, what would you do? Well, I'm a cisgender female, so... Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? Very frequently. Do you like your cell phone? I mean it's fine, but I'd like a new one. Is rap your favorite genre of music? No, it's actually my least favorite. Have you ever thrown up on anybody? Oh god, no. Do people think you’re happy? I think it's safe to say most people who know me know I'm clinically depressed. Or you know... maybe not. Quite a few people have been surprised to learn that about me because I can put on a good facade. What band would you stand in line for 24 hours to see? None, honestly. That's way too long. What was your worst childhood experience? I guess my dad's alcoholism. As a child, I thought it was a normal thing, but I do wonder if my fear of men has anything to do with how volatile drinking had a 50/50 chance of making him. He never hurt anyone, but he was just so mad and hateful towards the world sometimes. You can trade another person’s emotions for your own. Whose do you take? I have no idea. What was/is going to be your first waltz at your wedding? That'll depend on my partner and what song means the most to us/fits us best. "When It's Love" by Van Halen has been a consideration for forever, though. When it’s not summer, what do you miss most about it? I hate summer. I miss nothing about it. Do you consider yourself patriotic? No. What is the one thing that you need to do to die happy? Feel like I accomplished something notable. Do you consider yourself mainstream? No. What’s the riskiest thing you’ve ever done? Overdosing on cold medicine. What is life’s greatest mystery? Probably from whence we came. Humanity has fished for a definite answer forever. What was your favourite make-believe game as a kid? Pretending I was a meerkat hiding in a "burrow" that was a blanket fort, ha ha. Do you try your best at everything? Honestly, no. Who is your shoulder to cry on? My mom, without fail. What’s your standard excuse for not doing something? I dunno... it depends on the topic. Name the most beautiful person you know. As far as physical appearance goes, my friend Alon. Have you ever been to jail? No. What is one moment you wish you could have taken a picture of? Sara's face when I surprised her at her house for her birthday. It was absolutely fucking priceless. What place holds the most memories for you? Jason's house. Who was your first date? My puppy dog-love middle school bf Aaron. We went with a group of friends to a skating rink. My first one-on-one date was Jason. What’s the best trip you’ve ever been on? The zoo in 5th grade. It's the one and only time I've seen meerkats. For some weird reason, our zoo moved the meerkats not long after that visit. I THINK they said the environment just wasn't suitable for them, which I never really got... I think they mentioned the cold, but like, you have heating for them, and also, have you ever experienced a desert night? You consider all the other areas that have meerkats in their zoos and it's like... why, man. Bring my meerkats back. ;_; What do you think the earth will look like in 1,000 years? Oh dear God, I do NOT want to visualize that. My gut tells me it'll be a wasteland, probably without humans or most forms of life we have now. We have to get our shit straight, so very badly. I could rant for hours about how horribly and ungratefully we abuse our planet. Who makes you happy to be around? Sara! I feel like I can be my 100% authentic self, and we just vibe really well together. Like every time I've been there and she here, our friendship felt so natural and chill. I really, really need to save up for another trip up there. What secret have you tried to hide but it got out anyway? I kept the Joel situation to myself from pretty much everyone, but it eventually came out in front of Mom and Jason. It was actually the night of the breakup; I don't remember how it was relevant at all to mention, but I did in some form. Mom wisely never asked about it, and Jason obviously didn't. I was a stupid 12-year-old anyway, it's whatever now. Who/what is your everything? I will never. Ever. In five billion millennia. Let anyone be that again. How many people have you turned down when they asked you out? Ummm three? I think that's it. How many exes do you have? If I include everyone who ever had a title of "boyfriend/girlfriend," I have six. Who was your worst relationship with? Tyler. It was just pointless and the result of nothing but loneliness. What’s your ‘label’? (ex. punk, prep) I really, really don't care. Do you swear? How much? Like a sailor. I swore some beforehand, but I got really bad when Jason and I started dating. He swore a lot, and his mother did even more. I was around them as much as possible, so it rubbed off on me. What is the one thing that would make everything in your life fall apart? Losing my family, like being disowned or something like that. Especially when it comes to Mom. I rely on her so heavily, as much as I hate that. :/ What takes your breath away? Nature is very capable of that. Something like seeing big waterfalls in the mountains or something would marvel me. Are you patient? No, honestly. Are you a good dancer? No. Even when I took dance, I don't think I was great; however, I do think I was pretty skilled at clogging. Who would you call first in a life-threatening situation (not 911)? My mom. Who do you miss? Jason and his family, Megan, Alex, Hannia, Emily, Journee... a lot of people. Do you like snakes? I adore snakes.

[dansnaturepictures]

23/04/2021-Dancing Ledge (Ten different photos to those I tweeted tonight)

We did our final planned trip of the week days of in this patch of leave. Our annual Purbeck coast pilgrimage to Durlston near Swanage in April to see seabirds particularly, breathtaking views and anything else often flowers as was the case today. I wrote about our time at Durlston today in my next post, as this year we did something slightly different and before going to Durlston went to the National Trust’s Spyway car park and walked down to the beautiful Dancing Ledge. We had been here three times before, walking from Durlston in both 2007 and 2009 getting an exciting glimpse of our first ever Puffin on the former a key day for our birdwatching and wildlife life and love of seabirds especially early on and we came in 2013 too after a Durlston trip one Saturday. So this was a very exciting day.

We walked along the well laid path from the car park down to Dancing Ledge the beautiful area shown in the first picture I took today in this photoset, where Swallows skimmed over the grass and Skylarks performed overhead. Very soon into the walk we achieved a goal of the day when I heard and spotted a bird in a bush, it had the exquisite bright brown back which glowed in the sun, spendid grey head and of course creamy throat of the Whitethroat. A key spring bird target of ours and one I have had such a good record for seeing in the Durlston area on the trip the past few years so with Guillemot, Razorbill, Fulmar, Gannet and though we didn’t see them today Wheatear and House Martin other common year ticks on this trip already seen by me this year, really Whitethroat was the key year list target today and it did not disappoint, we saw one coming up the hill on the way back too and saw some at Durlston later in the day. It was wonderful to see this beautiful bird back in the UK. My year list now stands at 145, only my 2018 and 2019 year list my highest ever totals was higher at this point in a year, and I didn’t reach this figure until May last year, which is another stunning moment to show how my revival of my year list after full lockdown has been so spectacular. I have so far got fourteen year ticks during my week off which I am over the moon with and that makes it twenty six year ticks this April, leveling my highest ever amount of them I got this month in 2014 which was phenomenal and something I found so amazing with some really high calibre species seen along the way and it’s really something I am so proud of.

In order to get to Dancing Ledge from these fields full of life, including Blackbirds with young too, we had to go down a massive and steep hill. From here, before and when we reached this striking coastal feature we took in some simply breathtaking and sensational views especially seeing right down the coast my very favourite type of coastline and type of habitat really. In pristine, brightly sunny, pretty warm and sparkly blue conditions it just looked so purely beautiful and I took the second and third pictures in this photoset from the walk and ninth and tenth from the walk back and fourth at Dancing Ledge as we went down a rocky path to beside the water. 

Whilst despite me wearing a Skomer Island shirt with them on we didn’t see any of Dorset’s very few Puffins, we saw a good deal of birds at Dancing Ledge, Guillemots and Razorbills sat and flew over so gently on the bright blue water. Rock Pipit and a bright crimson almost paint dipped Linnet made very pleasurable sightings. As we spoke at a safe social distance to a lovely gentleman in great weather once again we spoke to a few brilliant people today we all enjoyed seeing a good few Shags with one appearing to build a nest on the cliff. A special moment with one of my B list favourite birds which I am having a good year for. I took the fifth picture in this photoset of some of the Guillemots and Razorbills here.

We made our way back up the hill and got our flower fix for the day started as we were over the moon to spot this star of Durlston ever year for us and as we would learn this similar area too some early spider orchids starting to come out I took the seventh picture in this photoset of one. We enjoyed some special moments with these stunning and distinctively marked flowers I do love orchids. I got my macro lens out and I took a good few pictures of them. The early spiders are interestingly placed in my camp of flowers I knew before 2020, I have said loads before that noticing and learning more flowers was my main lockdown/working from home project last year. So everything I did with these I did it at a greater scale today really making the most of them. But also with our usual April visit here last year postponed until late June by lockdown I missed these so this was the first time I got to photograph these flowers which I did well before for me especially in 2016 when one was the subject of my first ever flower Twitter display picture with my treasured new macro lens which I’ve probably taken more flower pictures with than my initial macro lens with my interest really increasing the past year or so since I got that macro lens for my birthday in 2020.

It was also nice to see speedwell here and some other flowers which I took the sixth and eighth picture in this photoset of. Further colour was added to a glorious walk of quintessential farmland birds by a Yellowhammer it was great to see clearer than the one we saw at Martin Down on Good Friday. We left for Durlston feeling so happy that we got to see the attractive Dancing Ledge for the first time in eight years and all this walk had to offer. We only did this today as one of the kind people we got talking to at a safe social distance whilst watching “Colin” the Cuckoo at Thursley on Wednesday mentioned this walk  as she had been and recommended it highly. Having ticked the four seabird species at Portland that we often would at Durlston in a year we could afford to do things differently today and I’m glad we did. I shall get my post about what happened at Durlston today shortly.

Wildlife Sightings Summary: My first Whitethroat of the year, two of my favourite birds the Guillemot and Razorbill, Shag, Herring Gull seen very well on the low rocks at the ledge by the sea, Rock Pipit, Meadow Pipit, Yellowhammer, Skylark, Linnet, Swallow, Blackbird, House Sparrow we have seen so many of these on our rural trips this week a common urban bird which is always great and Jackdaw.

[thanksforthedinosaur]

international year of plant health

hi. i made a playlist of a snapshot of the stuff i’ve listened to this year if you’re looking for some recommendations! xoxo mae

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0VkfnggwpC1TEj2wsaHyZr?si=4JJd6Z-kRoCHuHypRtWK3g

1. little simz - might bang, might not 2. jean deaux - recipe! 3. logic - open mic\\aquarius iii 4. spittzwell - the lesson 5. ivy sole - kismet 6. vel the wonder - fine art 7. megan thee stallion - shots fired 8. kari faux - look at that 9. rico nasty - own it 10. flo milli - beef flomix 11. kodie shane - 2 many 12. kali uchis - ¡aquí yo mando! 13. tkay maidza - shook 14. bree runway - atm 15. yung baby tate - i am 16. almondmilkhunni - grapefruit 17. princess nokia - soul food y adobo 18. bosco - attention 19. kiana ledé - movin. 20. diamond white - secondhand 21. queen naija - i’m her 22. danileigh - mistreated 23. parisalexa - 2 optimistic 24. qveen herby - farewell 25. jhené aiko - p*$$y fairy (otw) 26. chloe x halle - forgive me 27. kehlani - water 28. umi - pretty girl hi! 29. rimon - i shine, u shine 30. disclosure - birthday 31. phora - cupid's curse 32. roy ayers - synchronize vibration 33. thundercat - unrequited love 34. thelonious coltrane - perfect timing 35. [ k s r ] - passion 36. alina baraz - more than enough 37. alayna - glowing 38. savannah cristina - self love 39. paloma ford - rain 40. nakala - she interlude ii 41. orion sun - lightning 42. jaz karis - hold you 43. cleo sol - when i'm in your arms 44. keiyaa - do yourself a favor 45. alicia keys - me x 7 46. yazmin lacey - morning matters 47. be steadwell - succulent 48. daniela andrade - k.l.f.g. 49. yung lean - dogboy 50. bladee - sun 51. blackwinterwells - algae 52. sullii - moonlight 53. misogi - heart chained 54. aminé - talk 55. tobi lou - lingo starr: drunken master 56. busta rhymes - look over your shoulder 57. 2 chainz - southside hov 58. atmosphere - the future is disgusting 59. meltycanon - moody blues 60. alfred. - sheeshfred 61. love-sadkid - ephemeral 62. jay squared - vision like you! 63. tuamie - you needed time you said 64. oatmello - blue 65. wun two - a noite 66. kuranes - calm 67. omaure - drama 68. dust and moonlight - sleeping or sinking 69. phlocalyst - image 70. ocha - r33 71. sugi.wa - love u 72. palm - memories of winter 73. goosetaf - tripwire 74. bryzone_ybp - the count 75. orancha - smoky banana 76. evil needle - midnight 77. eevee - romance 78. chief. - can't explain 79. ngyn - aerith 80. fujitsu - move on 81. meitei - nami 82. swum - breezy 83. chris mazuera - perspective 84. jinsang - maybe 85. tesk - cascades 86. saib - nautica 87. mf eistee - uprising 88. kaskade - when you’re dreaming 89. tatsuya maruyama - love you - lo-fi remix 90. towerz - before i gave in 91. baechulgi - abyss 92. underbelly - glitchwater 93. notsure - icecoffee 94. yutaka hirasaka - arise 95. akisai - ecossaise 96. nom tunes - missing piece 97. sweet dove - on the viewless wings 98. park bird - new place, same people 99. city girl - ji-eun's favorite 100. katie dey - loving 101. mary lattimore - sometimes he's in my dreams 102. teen daze - peaceful groove 103. pacific coliseum - turquoise 104. tycho - outer sunset 105. [.que] - glimmer 106. lights & motion - separated hearts 107. roger eno - celeste 108. talsounds - opening 109. alva noto - xerrox voyage 110. 36 - stasis sounds for long-distance space travel (stage 2) 111. stan forebee - bedscape 112. daniel avery - illusion of time 113. arbee - 2sum - charlie dreaming remix 114. okada takuro - waterfront (up-01) 115. gabriel ��lafs - lóa - bing & ruth rework 116. warmth - the creek - mixed 117. rhucle - rev 118. com truise - surf 119. sarah davachi - still lives 120. gastón arévalo - sur les traces des explorateurs 121. peter bark - ascension 122. kara-lis coverdale - flutter 123. totally enormous extinct dinosaurs - brockley 124. green-house - peperomia seedling 125. four tet - green 126. morimoto naoki - aru 127. kaitlyn aurelia smith - remembering 128. dj python - te conocí 129. ocoeur - glow 130. christina vantzou - snow white 131. alonefold - strange rainbows 132. savoir adore - dancing temples 133. tengger - water 134. suzanne ciani - a sonic womb pt. 3 135. mogwai - major treat 136. this will destroy you - entrance 137. sleepmakeswaves - time wants a skeleton 138. elsa hewitt - rebird 139. ulla - i think my tears have become good 140. aether - she isn't here 141. zoe polanski - the last frontier 142. lyra pramuk - witness 143. ana roxanne - a study in vastness 144. julianna barwick - nod 145. the leaf library - about minerals 146. gia margaret - barely there 147. lucy gooch - my lights kiss your thoughts every moment 148. briana marela - forgiveness 149. loma - homing 150. mree - open arms 151. ellis - saturn return 152. alexia avina - fit into 153. fenne lily - to be a woman pt. 1 154. noble oak - evaporate 155. mint julep - blinded 156. rush week - best laid plans 157. mini trees - slip away 158. winter - bem no fundo 159. yumi zouma - cool for a second 160. laura veirs - burn too bright 161. terry vs. tori - keepsake box 162. castlebeat - shoulder 163. candace - still phase 164. tiny deaths - if i'm dreaming 165. lydia - heavy 166. caspian - nostalgist 167. nova one - lovable 168. corey flood - heaven or 169. hazel english - off my mind 170. bantug - dizzy 171. tops - colder & closer 172. the hidden shelf - miracles 173. ruru - 99 174. widowspeak - even true love 175. cheerleader - providence 176. wild nothing - blue wings 177. deradoorian - corsican shores 178. strfkr - second hand 179. mint field - contingencia 180. ringo deathstarr - god help the one's you love 181. no joy - dream rats 182. white poppy - orchid child 183. keeps - swiggum 184. flung - firstly zested 185. the bilinda butchers - rie 186. sipper - kid 187. radiator hospital - imposter syndrome 188. addy - equinox 189. boyo - dogma 190. alexandra savior - the archer 191. phoebe bridgers - chinese satellite 192. soccer mommy - circle the drain 193. routine - numb enough 194. quarter-life crisis - comfortable 195. madeline kenney - sucker 196. layne - linnea 197. wilsen - align 198. pynkie - you 199. bandanna - ghost home 200. waxahatchee - can’t do much 201. crisman - portrait 202. liza anne - i wanna be there 203. purr - gates of cool 204. honey cutt - hung up on me 205. the beths - out of sight 206. the ophelias - grand canyon 207. sjowgren - flip phones 208. haim - gasoline 209. thanya iyer - i forget to drink water (balance) 210. sad13 - good grief 211. porridge radio - give/take 212. lannds - not in a good way 213. katie von schleicher - wheel 214. hey cowboy! - detective farmer brown 215. tombo crush - pink 216. eliza moon - tell me / why'd you 217. anna mcclellan - raisin 218. this is the kit - this is what you did 219. snarls - walk in the woods 220. blushh - deal with it 221. long neck - cicada 222. chloe moriondo - ghost adventure spirit orb 223. momma - biohazard 224. varsity - runaway 225. land of talk - footnotes 226. bully - stuck in your head 227. diet cig - stare into the sun 228. expert timing - gravity 229. slow pulp - track 230. maddie jay - shakes 231. beabadoobee - together 232. luna aura - crash dive 233. sorry - perfect 234. torres - good grief 235. partner - honey 236. beauty queen - this time around 237. maggie lindemann - knife under my pillow 238. bryde - paper cups 239. mundy's bay - sleep away the summer 240. squirrel flower - red shoulder 241. mourn - stay there 242. dream wife - so when you gonna... 243. illuminati hotties - superiority complex (big noise) 244. l.a. witch - true believers 245. hinds - burn 246. beach bunny - cuffing season 247. suzie true - idk u 248. bacchae - hammer 249. peach kelli pop - stupid girl 250. oceanator - heartbeat 251. pins - read my lips 252. best coast - different light 253. muncie girls - take steps 254. kailee morgue - this is why i'm hot 255. beach slang - let it ride 256. silverstein - take what you give 257. new found glory - scarier than jason voorhees at a campfire 258. the lawrence arms - quiet storm 259. mikey erg - bon voyage 260. pet symmetry - had a name, don't remember it 261. thank you, i'm sorry - backpack life 262. ratboys - alien with a sleep mask on 263. joyce manor - leather jacket 264. jeff rosenstock - scram! 265. the aquabats! - aliens and monsters! 266. the used - the lighthouse 267. hidden hospitals - how amazing 268. dikembe - all got sick 269. time spent driving - trust no 1 270. the casket lottery - more blood 271. record setter - someplace 272. emma ruth rundle - out of existence 273. gulfer - blurry 274. options - don't mind 275. i love your lifestyle - stupid 276. orchards - stealing your sleep 277. no tongues for quiet people - lake house lake house 278. into it. over it. - hollow halos 279. mountains for clouds - full disclosure 280. joan of arc - destiny revision 281. no thank you - saturn return 282. the front bottoms - camouflage 283. ride your bike - make like a tom and cruise 284. dragon inn 3 - yer brothers 285. the goalie’s anxiety at the penalty kick - jars filled with rain 286. mansions - laser beams 287. waveform* - hello goodbye 288. owen - headphoned 289. cassino - tacoma 290. ajj - normalization blues 291. penelope scott - sweet hibiscus tea 292. angel olsen - (new love) cassette 293. trace mountains - fallin' rain 294. johanna warren - part of it 295. frances quinlan - lean 296. tomberlin - hours 297. samia - triptych 298. field medic - better way 299. adrianne lenker - my angel 300. jack m. senff - another day 301. lomelda - polyurethane 302. rosie carney - high and dry 303. brigid mae power - i had to keep my circle small 304. overcoats - new shoes 305. anna burch - not so bad 306. hop along, queen ansleis - the cactus 307. mandy moore - easy target 308. laura marling - held down 309. lisa loeb - doesn't it feel good 310. trixie mattel - gold 311. lilly hiatt - move 312. molly tuttle - sunflower, vol. 6 313. sarah jarosz - pay it no mind 314. katie heckel - help you mend 315. katie pruitt - my mind’s a ship (that’s going down) 316. in love with a ghost - trans rights 317. snail's house - imaginary express 318. isuka hino - dreamin' adventure!! 319. 4s4ki - nexus 320. lapix - loneliness 321. you - painter 322. aice room - dreary planet - yukiyanagi remix 323. zekk - oxygen 324. lu-i - loved happiness 325. synthion - volt switch 326. sanaas - polestar - junk remix 327. mameyudoufu - fluffy 328. awfuless - redemption 329. rejection - around you 330. toriena - getting into a pose 331. cosmo@bousoup - mow*mow*abduction!!! 332. yunosuke - ziqqurat 333. android52 - lovin', scratchin' 334. サクラsakura-lee - nobody else 335. desired - emotions 336. mikazuki bigwave - sakimashita bloomin'!! 337. skule toyama - smooth 338. adrianwave - goodbye 339. macross 82-99 - melt 340. cape coral - 707 hotline 341. 80kidz - heat 342. night tempo - baby 343. yaffle - lng, before 344. greyl - let me be with you 345. serph - palmtop tiger 346. happy kuru kuru - natsu no hi no labyrinth 347. couple n - earmie 348. airuei - magic sign 349. somunia - non player girl - nyankobrq 2p ver. 350. cosmicosmo - those that we once loved 351. maeshima soshi - the terminal 352. kijibato - 1room 353. yuc'e - ghost town 354. neko hacker - erased 355. jam2go - apotrope 356. mizuki ohkawa - cosmic cleft 357. singto conley - flora 358. 2tonedisco - shoelaces 359. cy8er - もしもしじゃぽん 360. nayuta - connect 361. t+pazolite - himitsu cult 362. milkoi - higher, higher, and then... 363. freezer - caramel rain (sanaas remix) 364. kotonohouse - pitter, patter 365. aika - superstar 366. yukiyanagi - love overdose 367. nanahira - twinkle password 368. ducky - hyper bloxxd 369. porter robinson - something comforting 370. moshimo - シンクロ 371. bish - スーパーヒーローミュージック 372. scenarioart - it's all right 373. base ball bear - ポラリス(c3 mix) 374. majiko - エスカルゴ 375. akaiko-en - ジャンキー 376. the peggies - weekend 377. lovely summer chan - more light 378. polkadot stingray - sp813 379. shishamo - フェイバリットボーイ 380. aimer - run riot 381. österreich - i'll take you everywhere 382. sora tob sakana - 夜間飛行 383. the shes gone - ふためぼれ 384. aimyon - marshmallow 385. cö shu nie - supercell 386. kensei ogata - violin case 387. せだい - yellownola 388. yonige - あかるいみらい 389. bearwear - i think 390. hitsujibungaku - ロックスター 391. cidergirl - 飛行船 392. room97 - faq 393. she's - ugly 394. bbhf - tokenai mahou 395. alisa takigawa - 夢 396. satomoka - glints 397. radwimps - shinsekai 398. pinoko - コリドー街 399. helsinki lambda club - you are my gravity 400. lucky kilimanjaro - 君とつづく 401. dish// - sauna song 402. zombie-chang - snooze 403. mizuki ohira - 無重力 404. みゆな - 歌おうよ 405. iri - come back to my city 406. aya a.k.a panda - i miss u 407. chelmico - disco (bad dance doesn't matter) 408. seiko oomori - 絶対彼女 409. yaeji - my imagination 상상 410. daoko - zukizuki 411. eill - night d 412. cifika - déjà vu 413. yeye - step in time 414. saevom - just like i dreamed then 415. cheeze - today's mood 416. stella jang - reality blue 417. younha - one day of twenty 418. jeong eun ji - whoo 419. fromm - aliens 420. crush - tip toe 421. heize - 1/1440 422. femm - level up 423. awich - poison 424. jessi - nunu nana 425. (g)i-dle - luv u 426. summer soul - tinder 427. taeyeon - worry free love 428. boa - l.o.v.e 429. fromis_9 - feel good (secret code) 430. faky - re:chase me 431. monsta x - night view 432. twice - up no more 433. loona - hide & seek 434. wjsn - pantomime 435. iz*one - fiesta 436. exid - ddd jpn ver. 437. gfriend - crème brûlée 438. april - lalalilala 439. weki meki - 100 facts (cool eng. ver.) 440. momoland - starry night 441. steve aoki - play it cool 442. bts - dynamite 443. sakurako ohara - shine on me 444. sumin - zaza♡ 445. onepixcel - lagrima 446. little glee monster - i feel the light 447. celeina ann - purikura 448. アイラヴミー - そのまんま勇者 449. okkyung lee - here we are (once again) 450. luca - lune 451. hakushi hasegawa - hikari no rock 452. haruka nakamura - your sonnet 453. itoko toma - shade 454. rina katahira - hoshizora* 455. ichiko aoba - easter lily 456. satoko shibata - 変な島 457. 角銅真実 - 6月の窓 458. 熊川みゆ - sixteen 459. 眉村ちあき - 緑のハイヒール 460. 竹内アンナ - striking gold 461. saucy dog - film 462. kaede - -ending- night blue 463. aseul - paradise 464. 박혜진 park hye jin - like this 465. charlotte is mine - road movie 466. plastic plastic - ฮัม - (hum) 467. clams - shiny rider 468. seventeen years old and berlin wall - no paradise 469. nuit - nightbirds 470. fulusu - ghost 471. rammells - sennengo 472. stargaze shelter - emulation (mode:totonee) 473. ヨルシカ - 昼鳶 474. nakamuraemi - 大人の言うことを聞け 475. kenshi yonezu - ひまわり 476. tk from ling tosite sigure - reframe 477. penguinrush - 色彩 478. lee jin ah - candy pianist 479. mei ehara - どちらにピントを 480. jizue - because 481. mouse on the keys - room 482. fox capture plan - stand my heroes - groove version 483. ryutist - girls 484. yeti let you notice - bouquet 485. tricot - 真っ黒 486. madison cunningham - giraffe 487. covet - atreyu 488. floral - maybe not one day 489. envy - eternal memories and reincarnation 490. baths - mikaela corridor 491. sufjan stevens - run away with me 492. fractures - feel 493. the 1975 - frail state of mind 494. dan mason ダン·メイソン - everytime i cry 495. brothertiger - cannonball 496. porches - rangerover - bonus track 497. tame impala - instant destiny 498. washed out - paralyzed 499. pink skies - portland 500. so below - bone 501. purity ring - silkspun 502. llll - breathless 503. slow magic - somewhere 504. kasbo - lune 505. cloudnone - let the music in 506. jody wisternoff - blue space 507. drama - hold on 508. satin jackets - meridian getaway 509. direct - opal 510. lane 8 - road 511. baile - jlm 512. yuni wa - starships 513. nora van elken - sakura 514. geotheory - the day i left you 515. yota - hazy paradise 516. spencer brown - chance on us 517. the avener - conscious shadows 518. kalbells - mothertime 519. bella boo - in love 520. kirara magic - neon 521. mija - digressions 522. cuushe - emergence 523. transviolet - rituals 524. keep shelly in athens - steady to go 525. young ejecta - ah ha 526. annie - in heaven 527. lany - good guys 528. dominic pierce - glad xoxo 529. tender - what you're missing 530. alice jemima - binge love you 531. kitty - baby pink 532. faye meana - like honey 533. lunadira - am i gonna die? 534. loony - white lie 535. justine skye - fav 536. wafia - good things 537. victoria monét - jaguar 538. malia civetz - love thing 539. keiynan lonsdale - i confess my love 540. deaton chris anthony - tuethday 541. kallitechnis - body&soul (ish d remix) 542. talitha. - ineedsomeone 543. keke palmer - thick 544. kesha - birthday suit 545. l.e.j - pas l'time 546. selena gomez - rare 547. the aces - daydream 548. jessie ware - mirage (don’t stop) 549. joan - try again 550. melanie c - blame it on me 551. astrid s - dance dance dance 552. little mix - holiday 553. justin bieber - yummy 554. ariana grande - positions 555. bea miller - feel something different 556. lady gaga - rain on me (with ariana grande) 557. raye - regardless 558. the weeknd - hardest to love 559. andrea valle - lovergirl 560. k/da - the baddest 561. allie x - susie save your love 562. terror jr - dinner plate 563. shawn wasabi - halo halo 564. benee - snail 565. sevdaliza - oh my god 566. gupi - modest 567. six impala - sweetsweetsweetlikebubblegum 568. charli xcx - i finally understand 569. golin - hanakotoba 570. shygirl - freak 571. madge - ethanol 572. arca - afterwards 573. kelly lee owens - re-wild 574. ari mason - pangaea 575. gabrielle aplin - dear happy 576. taylor swift - the 1 577. awfultune - buds 578. sneaks - scorpio on your side 579. izzy camina - kill your local indie softboy 580. mxmtoon - ok on your own 581. wens - giant bat 582. billie eilish - my future 583. tash - when you leave 584. fletcher - the one 585. silver sphere - ghosts! 586. tei shi - ok crazy 587. dounia - sucked all the fun 588. tatiana hazel - carmen sandiego 589. magdalena bay - killshot 590. kllo - insomnia 591. leisure suite - closer 592. morgan saint - i dreamt that i knew you 593. ayelle - got love 594. michi - escondida 595. lyrica anderson - lyfted 596. sasha sloan - lie 597. niki - plot twist 598. sarah reeves - heart first 599. salt cathedral - caviar 600. chelsea cutler - sad tonight 601. rituals of mine - heights 602. e^st - flight path 603. sara diamond - great together 604. phem - stfu 605. carlie hanson - daze inn 606. lauren aquilina - latest ghost 607. caroline rose - command z 608. misterwives - oxygen 609. ella vos - turbulence 610. austra - i am not waiting 611. triathalon - you 612. phoebe ryan - icimy 613. katzù oso - kiss u better 614. luwten - control 615. raveena - heartbeat 616. oohyo - 2020 617. oklou - another night 618. jouska - bring you back 619. fleur east - easy to love 620. soft glas - overbite 621. jaden - muted sunrise 622. snny - better to leave it 623. saint mela - alkaseltzer 624. mia gladstone - ego 625. helena deland - truth nugget 626. oh wonder - oceansize 627. steven padin - sashimi 628. kacey johansing - i try 629. treasureseason - spinning plate 630. landshapes - drama 631. tennis - matrimony ii 632. pomplamoose - morning waterbug 633. soko - being sad is not a crime 634. the big moon - barcelona 635. shamir - diet 636. knox fortune - static 637. carly rae jepsen - let's sort the whole thing out 638. real estate - the main thing 639. hayley williams - roses/lotus/violet/iris 640. nada surf - something i should do 641. bombay bicycle club - is it real 642. the seshen - faster than before 643. thao & the get down stay down - how could i 644. marla hansen - path 645. christine and the queens - la vita nuova 646. half waif - siren 647. malena zavala - ritmo de vida 648. bendik - himmelen 649. hanna järver - kalmar slott 650. frida sundemo - anything 651. kate nv - telefon 652. ambar lucid - questioning my mind 653. coco reilly - mirror 654. ghostly kisses - lydian 655. kacy hill - told me 656. lianne la havas - can't fight 657. donna missal - how does it feel 658. felivand - gone 659. jordana - divine 660. empress of - void 661. banoffee - ripe 662. vanessa carlton - i can't stay the same 663. fiona apple - heavy balloon 664. poppy - concrete 665. rina sawayama - stfu!

[needtherapy]

A Time And Place For Us (pt 2)

(Since Tumblr is being a jerk about outside links, I’m going to try it this way. It’s also on AO3 if you want to read it there.)

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 (Explicit) / Part 4

It’s Xichen’s birthday, and what a coincidence, the Qinghe Nie sect leader is taking a tour that just happens to take him to Cloud Recesses.

Unsurprisingly, it’s an exciting few days.

In this story you will find: Mingjue breaking things; Sword fighting; Xichen’s issues; Mingjue’s birth name; Embarrassed younger brothers; Monsters; Birthday presents; Kissing...and more

A follow-up to Mingjue Falls and Xichen Remembers. 

Chapter 5: Xichen

Xichen thought he had given up being angry at his father years ago, but by the time lunch was over, he was seething.

First, Qingheng-Jun had made them wait, even shufu, standing outside like unwanted penitents. When he had finally admitted his family to Hanshi, he had silently surveyed Mingjue like a man considering purchasing a horse and finding it wanting. Xichen had half expected him to pry open Mingjue’s mouth to count his teeth.

And then he had insulted the entire Qinghe Nie sect. 

“Do the Qinghe Nie still refuse to cultivate music? I always have thought that was a wasted opportunity,” Qingheng-Jun had said with a long-suffering sigh. “But perhaps it is too much to expect the noble arts as well,” he finished, with a glance at Baxia’s hilt.

Xichen would have sworn that Baxia glowed red at this comment, but Mingjue did not seem offended, affably agreeing that indeed, his sect did not have a tradition of music like Gusu Lan.

Of course, there were the usual comments. Qingheng-Jun was concerned that the younger disciples were growing unruly without a firm enough hand to guide them. He admonished Xichen for being too gentle with them and exhorted him to take care disciplining the next generation of students before they ran wild all over Gusu. A part of Xichen wanted to tell him to do it himself. He didn’t bother. There was no point.

But the worst part, in Xichen’s mind, was that his father had entirely ignored Wangji beyond a nod of acknowledgement. Granted, Wangji may not have had much to say, but it would not have hurt to ask. What are you reading, what have you learned to play, where have you traveled this month. Such simple questions, never voiced.

Even Mingjue had been more subdued than usual, eyes flicking between Xichen’s blank face and Wangji’s stony one every time he had carefully answered one of Qingheng-Jun’s questions.

The ordeal finally ended. The moment they were out of Hanshi, Xichen put his hand on Wangji’s shoulder until his brother looked him in the eyes. He wanted to say, I’m sorry, there’s no excuse, he’s always been this way, you are perfect as you are, it doesn’t matter what he thinks, but Xichen knew it would embarrass Wangji. So he just smiled, and Wangji’s tight, angry jaw softened slightly before he walked away. And that was the best they could do.

Mingjue was still beside him. It was an overwhelming relief. When Xichen looked at him, he was looking at Xichen, worry clouding his handsome features.

Xichen smiled wanly.

“Your parents loved you.” 

He tried not to let the words sound like an accusation. But in the few times they had met, Xichen had been mesmerized by the obviously glowing pride of the former Nie zongzhu and the casual affection both of his sons seemed to take for granted. 

“I am not sure either of mine did. They certainly did not love each other. But at least I am the oldest, so my father acknowledges my presence, my...accomplishments.” Xichen laughed bitterly. “I do not know how to change his disregard of Wangji.”

The jagged edges of his anger were fading into sadness, and he nearly stepped forward, wanting to be held and comforted. He knew Mingjue would, heedless of consequence, so Xichen stopped himself to protect them both. Shaking off the last echoes of the hurt his father always seemed to know how to find, Xichen managed a smile. 

“Come with me, Chifeng-Zun. We can visit the library.” 

He didn’t miss the furrow in Mingjue’s brow, but thankfully, he did not press Xichen further.

Xichen loved the Cloud Recesses library, with its smell of paper, ink, and leather. He loved the forbidden library even more, but he was not going to go back to his father to ask permission to show it to an outsider. He contented himself with giving Mingjue a tour of their visible collection. Touching the elegant scrolls and books of poetry did much to soothe his spirit.

Xichen pulled a dusty scroll tube from the shelf and took it to a table.

“I do not think you will be interested in our rare musical texts, Chifeng-Zun, but this is an illustrated history of the dao,” Xichen said as he carefully unrolled the paper, anchoring it on either end. 

He was pleased to see Mingjue’s face light up, so he went to find other works on sword cultivation and fighting techniques.

They spent several hours looking at books. Xichen laughed when Mingjue used a long calligraphy brush to practice some of the unfamiliar dao movements, rather than risk Baxia in the library. 

And if Mingjue occasionally brushed Xichen’s hand or tucked a stray piece of hair behind Xichen’s ear, there was no one around to notice.

Even so, Xichen was surprised when Mingjue cupped his cheek with a furtive look. 

“There are gifts from Qinghe Nie to present at dinner this evening. I regret that I need to leave you to gather them.”

Xichen was growing tired of maintaining decorum. He leaned into Mingjue’s hand and turned his face to kiss the palm.

The sound that came from Mingjue was somewhere between a whimper and a moan, and emboldened, Xichen gently nibbled the tip of Mingjue’s thumb. 

“Gods, Xichen.” Mingjue’s voice was hoarse, and he leaned forward. “If you wanted me to ravish you on the library floor, you only had to ask.”

At that moment, Xichen could not remember any of the 3012 rules that governed the Gusu Lan sect disciples, much less a single one of the 346 rules that dealt with virtue. He just wanted to be kissed.

Xichen didn’t hear the library door open, but he heard the sound of a throat being cleared meaningfully. Both Xichen and Mingjue whirled around to look into the wide, amused eyes of one of the Gusu Lan doctors. Unfortunately, as Mingjue turned, Baxia somehow caught the edge of a low bookcase behind him and flipped it on its side, books and scrolls crashing to the ground. They all froze for a moment, and Xichen thought he heard Mingjue mutter his sword’s name as though he was scolding a naughty child.

The woman rushed forward to help them right the table and books.

“My apologies for disturbing you, Zewu-Jun,” she said as they finished, and Xichen wanted to flee her twinkling eyes.

“Thank you shijie,” he said instead. “We were just leaving.”

“At least I didn't break the bookcase,” Mingjue remarked ruefully when they got outside. “I am afraid the Lan zongzhu is going to eventually bar me from Cloud Recesses.”

“If he does,” Xichen said with a lopsided grin, “The next one will let you back in.”

Chapter 6: Mingjue

Mingjue had set his fifteen-year-old brother on the task of helping him pick host and birthday gifts for this visit. Huaisang did many exasperating things, but he was unfailingly good at gifts.

For the host gift, Huaisang found a craftsman who created wooden plants carved with talismans. When activated with the smallest touch of power, the plants would flower. Huaisang said that everyone knew Lan-xiansheng cultivated orchids, so he had the craftsman create a cluster of stems and wide flat leaves carved with talismans that would make pale blue orchids appear. Mingjue was doubtful, but Huaisang said the fact that it was not a natural color was what made it special.

Huaisang had been right. It was not obvious approval, but when Mingjue demonstrated the slow bloom of petals, the side of Lan-xiansheng’s mouth twitched. He examined the sculpture for several moments while stroking his beard before eventually sending it away with a servant.

The birthday gift had taken more effort. Huaisang had suggested daggers, instruments, books, art, and nothing had seemed right. Finally, Huaisang had stormed into Mingjue’s office and set a wood and silver frog on his desk.

Mingjue had picked it up curiously. “What is it?”

In answer, Huaisang had hummed the first few notes of a popular tavern song. To Mingjue’s amusement, the frog hummed them back. Or at least, the tune from the frog’s open mouth had been very similar to the sounds Huaisang had made.

“It’s an Echo talisman,” Huaisang had explained. “It’s carved into the metal here, see?” 

He’d pointed into the frog’s silver mouth.

 “Each one can only hold a few notes, but I think three would make an interesting and somewhat useful gift for a musician. And you leave in two days, da-ge.”

It was a good point, and Mingjue had told Huaisang to make sure it was beautiful and elegant. Huaisang had just rolled his eyes.

The finished gift Mingjue presented to Xichen was a sculpted wood and metal lotus, with the three frogs seated on the single leaf. Mingjue whistled at the frogs to show off their trick. The shining light in Xichen’s eyes was worth the embarrassment of butchering music in public. 

Xichen played the start of a song on his xiao, and the frogs sang back to him, far more beautifully than either Mingjue or Huaisang had managed. He immediately understood how many notes each frog could manage and adjusted the music so the frogs were a complementary chorus to the xiao’s tune.

Mingjue reminded himself to generously reward Huaisang for his help. Maybe he’d like another fan. Or, considering Xichen’s smile, two fans.

Gusu Lan had made the night hunt an open competition. They would start in the town of Caiyi and there would be no formal boundaries. Unlike the larger-sect night hunts, there would only be a few teams from Gusu Lan and Qinghe Nie. Teams from other sects, clans, and rogue cultivators would be able to compete for the prize. Mingjue suspected this generosity had been Xichen’s idea. 

Mingjue had chosen to partner with Nie Huiji, a distant cousin and the captain of the group he had brought. Huiji was a short man, but utterly fearless and a skilled archer. Mingjue would, of course, have preferred to be paired with Xichen, but the Twin Jades of Gusu would be a team. After the bout with Lan-er-gongzi the day before, Mingjue had serious doubts about his chance of winning, but if he had to lose to anyone, he wouldn’t mind if it was the Twin Jades.

Still. He had no intention of losing.

It started well. Huiji was an excellent tracker. The two of them quickly killed a possessed boar that was an odd shade of green. He grinned at his cousin over the top of the beast’s body, and Huiji rolled his eyes in amusement.

They found a few restless spirits wandering freely and one resentful ghost buried deep in a man’s body. Mingjue preferred the straightforward business of eliminating evil things with his dao, but he wasn’t incapable of shifting the power of his golden core to quell restless souls. The possessed man proved harder to suppress, but they managed to force the spirit out and destroy it.

And then it started to rain. It was never as much fun to night hunt in the rain.

They slogged through eradicating a flock of zhu owls, disturbing with their human-like hands and features. Mingjue especially hated monsters with human faces and was sorry so many of them had gotten away.

Only a few miles from Caiyi, Huiji caught wind of a nest of jueyuan. Literally. Even Mingjue could smell the stink of them long before they found their nest hidden in a cave on the side of a hill. They surprised the group, and Mingjue killed most of them before they could even react, but some of the abhorrent ape creatures tried to flee through the thick trees.

Mingjue had no doubt Huiji would shoot down any escapers, so he checked their lair to make sure there were no human victims. He found evidence of women they had taken in the past. Ribbons. Bits of pastel fabric. A hair comb. He closed his eyes against the horror he knew the women must have suffered, channeling his rage away, through his core and into Baxia, who welcomed it with open arms.

They wanted to kill something.

When he came out of the cave, Huiji gave him a sidelong look, eyebrows raised, but Mingjue ignored the implied question.

“Keep hunting,” he growled, and Huiji nodded.

They found a fuchong by the water. Mingjue cleaved the head of the giant snake from its body in a single strike before it could shoot any of its poisonous needles at them. It was not enough.

There were ghosts to dissipate at the foot of a huge tree. Mingjue and Huiji were able to release their spirits, and that, at least, was satisfying in a different way. But it did not calm the blood pounding in his ears.

Time passed with no targets in sight, and Mingjue’s impatience was growing wings. Huiji suddenly stopped him with a raised hand. He pointed north, further up the mountain, and made the signs for “large” and “two.” The wind and rain were howling in gusts around him, but Mingjue sharpened his senses and smiled grimly when he heard the distant sound of two sets of feet breaking through the underbrush. They might get a decent fight after all.

Mingjue marked Huiji with a location talisman, just to be safe, and they split up, Mingjue circling east and Huiji cutting west. Keeping the sound to his left, Mingjue climbed to the top of an outcropping of rocks near where he expected the monsters to pass. He was not disappointed.

The demons were sickly shades of yellow and grey that offended his eyes. They moved with a lurching gait that was swifter than their tall, bulky bodies should have been. Mingjue made note of their visible strengths: plated skin, sharp teeth in huge mouths, spiked tails, clawed back feet, and hands that curved like a pair of sickles. He did not like the look of the fat yellow spines that covered the creatures’ arms and wondered if they were venomous.

Below him, the demons turned to sniff the air and look around. Mingjue froze. He was downwind of them, but he had no idea what other senses they might have. The larger of the two demons opened its mouth and roared, and Mingjue realized that the sound he had thought was the howling wind was actually the call of this demon. The smaller, darker demon responded in a different tone that made the hair on the back of Mingjue’s neck stand up.

It was a risk, but he reached out with his golden core to find Huiji on the other side of the location talisman, the beat of his heart only a few meters away. Baxia trembled on his back as soon as he touched her hilt. He silently drew the dao and waited for the demons to move past him. They would know he was there as soon as he was upwind of them, and he wanted to be ready.

He dropped from the rock, swinging his saber at the dark grey demon’s spine, but the beast turned just in time and Baxia cut into the evil thing’s shoulder, severing its arm. It screamed in fury and turned on Mingjue, tail lashing through the air. An arrow erupted from its eye followed by a second in its neck, but the demon was not deterred. It slashed at Mingjue with its sharp hands, and Mingjue felt the air part next to his cheek as the creature shot one of its spines at him. He smelled a hint of brimstone and grimaced. Definitely venom.

He bellowed at Huiji, “Don’t let them shoot you,” before Baxia was moving again, this time defending Mingjue against the other, larger demon, who had leaped in front of him. Mingjue was aware that Huiji had moved behind him, sword in hand, because the dark grey demon was no longer attacking him.

Not only were the demons’ hands shaped like blades, they were as hard as his dao, and the demon he was fighting was strong enough to block every strike. But the beast was slower than he was, and Mingjue had no doubt he could evade its attacks until it faltered. Baxia sang as they fought together, and her joy in the fight filled him with elation.

Mingjue had not killed every demon and monster he had ever gone to fight, but he had so rarely made mistakes in battle that he didn’t react quickly enough when his foot slipped on a wet rock and he fell. He should have kept his eyes on the danger. He should have lifted Baxia to protect his chest. He should have rolled to the side. Instead, he was stunned for the infinitely long fraction of a second the demon took to scream in triumph and bring its bladed hand down toward Mingjue’s chest. He didn’t even have time to brace for the pain.

A flash of blue light struck the demon squarely in the chest, knocking it backward with a heavy grunt, and only then did Mingjue react, rolling to the side and lifting Baxia. Before he could leap forward with a killing blow, Xichen was there, Shuoyue extending to pierce the beast through its mouth and up into its head. It sagged and fell, dead before it hit the ground.

Their eyes met, and Mingjue grinned at the savage look on Xichen’s face. He turned to help Huiji when he heard a sound that turned his blood to ice.

A soft grunt and the impact of a body against a tree.

He could not turn fast enough.

He could not run fast enough.

He whirled, falling on his hands as he scrambled up the hill to where Xichen was laying by the trunk of the pine tree he had hit when the demon Huiji was fighting had shot one of its strange spines at him. Xichen’s eyes were closed and Mingjue could see the long shaft protruding from Xichen’s shoulder. 

“Xichen,” he screamed, skidding to his knees next to his love. “Xichen, gods, no, no, no.”

Mingjue touched Xichen’s face fearfully, afraid to hurt him, more afraid he was beyond pain. He choked back a sob when Xichen opened his eyes.

“That hurt,” Xichen murmured, lips curving into a wry smile, and Mingjue sat heavily on the ground, all the air leaving his lungs at once.

Xichen turned his head to peer at the spine sticking out of the tree trunk, but the smile faded when he looked more closely at the tears streaming down Mingjue’s face. 

“Shi-ge, I’m fine. It didn’t hit me. It’s just stuck in my robes.”

Using the edge of his sleeve, Xichen pulled the spine out of the tree and tossed it to the side. “See?” 

He showed Mingjue the hole in his robe.

It took Mingjue’s heart a moment to resume beating, and when it did, he grabbed Xichen’s face and kissed him hard. Xichen hesitated for a moment before he reached his arms around Mingjue and leaned into the kiss, not stopping Mingjue’s hands from moving across his shoulders and arms, still checking to ensure he truly was safe.

“Zongzhu,” a soft voice interrupted. “The demons are both dead.” “I don’t care,” Mingjue retorted, and the feel of Xichen’s laugh made his hands shake.

“Zongzhu.” Huiji’s tone was more insistent. “Lan-er-gongzi was instrumental in assisting me with the kill.”

Oh.

Mingjue reluctantly released Xichen and stood, extending a hand to help Xichen up. He brushed wet pine needles and dirt off his clothes to avoid turning around as long as possible. When he did, Lan-er-gongzi was staring at him, head tipped slightly to the side with what Mingjue hoped was more of a thoughtful expression than a censorious one.

“Time is nearly up, xiongzhang,” he said to Xichen, his deep voice more neutral than Mingjue had expected. “We should return to Caiyi.” 

With that, Lan-er-gongzi turned and walked away, not looking back to see if Xichen followed him. Huiji winked at Mingjue and trailed off after the boy.

“I think they may have noticed,” Xichen whispered, the laughter still in his voice.

Mingjue still felt like there were needles under his skin. He ran his hands over his wet hair dejectedly. 

“Xichen, I’m sorry. I wanted him to like me, but I know how your family feels about…” he waved vaguely, not sure of the right word. “Virtue.”

Xichen patted his arm consolingly. “Shi-ge, he is my brother. Believe me, if he disliked you, he would not have left.”

That made sense, actually, and it cheered Mingjue.

“Besides,” Xichen said, pulling Mingjue’s arms around him and snuggling closer when Mingjue tightened the embrace. “I like you. And we have at least five minutes before we have to catch up.”

Chapter 7: Xichen

Xichen made the most of those few minutes in the rain, tipping his head back to be kissed and reveling in the feeling of being loved.

He hadn’t been afraid he was going to die, but Mingjue’s reaction had shaken him nonetheless. Besides his brother, he realized, who would be heartbroken if the demon’s shot had been a little more accurate? Not his father. His uncle was fond of him, but he suspected shufu would immediately turn his attention to shaping Wangji into the next sect leader. The future of Gusu Lan was what mattered most to him, and Xichen really couldn’t fault him for that. 

But he never had to question what Mingjue felt, good or bad, and the certainty of being cared for was more precious than anything he could have asked for.

The boom of fireworks announcing the end of the night hunt was unwelcome, but Xichen drew away from Mingjue anyway. They would be missed soon and the last thing he wanted was a search party.

He took Mingjue’s hand and pulled, leading him down the path. 

“When I let go, it will only be because I do not want anyone to think I had to help you win,” he teased as they walked together, and Mingjue burst into laughter.

“I’m sure I didn’t win. Your team stole my last two kills, Zewu-Jun. What kind of example are the Twin Jades of Gusu setting for the country?”

As it turned out when they got back to Caiyi, neither of them was correct. They had tied. Xichen shot Mingjue an apologetic look, but Mingjue just shook his head.

“You saved me from the consequences of a mistake, Zewu-Jun. I happily cede the kill. And,” he added with a flash of dimples. “Since it is your birthday, you may have the reward, as well.”

A chorus of best wishes and birthday salutations went up from around the crowd, and Xichen gave Mingjue a dirty look. He hated being the center of attention like this, and he knew he was blushing. To his horror, many of the cultivators pulled bottles of alcohol from their sleeves and packs and raised them to toast him. He sneaked a glance at his family. Shufu looked mildly annoyed, but did not stop them, and Wangji had an unusually unreadable expression on his face. Mingjue was just trying not to laugh.

“Thank you,” Xichen finally thought to say, when it became clear they would not stop until he said something. “It would be my pleasure to distribute the reward among all the teams. For my birthday,” he added. 

When they cheered, he flushed, wanting desperately to be allowed to get back to Cloud Recesses.

There was only one thing he wanted to do on his birthday.

Go to Chapter 8 (explicit)

Note: The last monsters are dao lao gui (刀劳鬼)

[sigmadecay]

All the L, M, N, O, P flowers

Whew, that’s a lotta flowers.

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

Fewer than ten, but I’m very close with all of them.

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

Still definitely @cumpumpkin saying I look like Chris Cornell.

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

My self-esteem isn’t historically the best, but I think I can be at least neutral towards myself now, instead of feeling outright self-hatred.

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

I’m better at this whole neuroscience thing than I thought I’d be at the outset, which is really cool.

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?

I second guess myself too much.

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

My dad used to take me and my brother sledding when it snowed enough.

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

This girl who became a soprano.

Lily of the Incas: What’s something you still feel guilty for?

My cousin jumped out and scared me when I was like 13 and for some reason my immediate reflex was to punch him in the face. I still feel bad.

Lily of the Nile: What’s something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?

I fucked up at work because I didn’t know not to do something and even though I know now I still feel really weird about it because my boss seemed mad at me at the time.

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

Kenneth is an anglicization of the Irish Coinneach, which means “handsome” and “born of fire.”

It’s my name because I stole it off Kenny Hickey.

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

I grew up and still live in a relatively small Italian-American neighborhood in Queens, NY. Local landmarks include That One Bodega That Makes Excellent Sandwiches (conveniently located two blocks from me), the park down the street from the Italian deli with the good bread, Carvel, and the Italian Ices place half a block from me. It’s all about real estate.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

Answered!

Mugwort: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?

Oh, no. It was awful. I was struggling with my newfound homosexuality, dealing with severe paranoia, and definitely taking too many advanced classes for the sanctity of my mental health.

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

She’s definitely where I get my enthusiasm from, although I really can’t compete with her quantity wise. She has very big feelings and sometimes they’re hard to express properly. She loves to cook and bake and sing and do jigsaw puzzles with me. Her dream was to be Eponine in Les Miserables. She’s very “preppy.” She likes white wine and the Real Housewives. It’s taken a little while, but we have a really nice relationship now. I love her.

Onions: Tell about your dad.

The source of the Jock Genes in my family. He used to play hockey when he was my age. Very Catholic. Kind of crotchety sometimes (which is the source of my diluted enthusiasm). Went to college for computer science. Really likes Bruce Springsteen. He’s easy to talk to and generally just wants us to be happy, but not great at communicating. I love him.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

Paternal grandfather: died before I met him.

Paternal grandmother: a very mean old woman. Raised six kids and most of them are a mess. Insulted people frequently, including her own children and me and my cousins. Intentionally cheated my father in her will. She died last year and I have no strong feelings about her either way.

Maternal grandfather: Grampa rocked! He was a fun dude. Wore a lot of baseball caps and made us ice cream when we stayed over. He did a lot of magic tricks too. He refused to play games with us but always read to us, even books he couldn’t stand. He was always so proud of us, and I hope I keep making him proud.

Maternal grandmother: Gramma’s the last one standing! She’s quiet and likes to read a lot, but will give you her opinion very loudly if she’s had more than a glass of wine or you even mention the president. She really likes watching Friends.

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it memorable?

I don’t remember what age I turned but I was really young. And I’ve never particularly liked attention or special treatment because I’m easily embarrassed. So I was playing with blocks on my birthday and I kept trying to help clean up and my mom was like “no, you’re the birthday boy! You don’t have to clean up!” and I felt so guilty I started crying.

Peony: what was your first job?

Off the books, my first job was babysitting. My first real job was working at a historic mansion/gardens. I drove the golf cart to get people around the property, and all the old ladies loved me.

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

I met my ex girlfriend on Tumblr, actually. I do not have a crush atm. I’d like to meet my future partner at a music venue or something, that’d be pretty cool. Unless I date another scientist, who I’ll presumably meet at some conference.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

Pretty well. I have a high pain tolerance.

Pink: Where is home?

New York City, baby! We got rats!!!

Plantain Lillies: If you could go back in time, what’s one thing you would change?

I think I’d try to be less hard on myself.

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

Honestly? I admire my younger brother. I’ve watched him grow up into a really good man, who loves and treats his girlfriend well, who’s confident enough in his masculinity to spend his weekends baking banana bread, and is genuinely very accepting and supportive of me. I love that fucker.

[cascadingpearls]

Make a Wish (or Two or Sixteen) Part Two

Okay, here we go! Part two of what I think is going to be a three part fic.

Enjoy!

Part one here

—

“Hello! We’re here!” Bex calls as they enter the house. 

“In the kitchen,” Cece’s reply is slightly muffled. 

Bowie and Bex head towards the kitchen, while Andi lingers looking around at the dining room set up.

Cece put up lanterns Andi made out of lucky red envelopes. There is a large fruit platter including Asian pears, oranges and- to Andi’s surprise dragonfruit! Dragonfruit is hard to find in Midwest. Cece outdid herself. When Andi notices the extra plate settings she puts the pieces together, Aunt Mei must be coming after all. Oh boy, this was going to be a memorable birthday.

When Andi wanders into the kitchen, she sees her parents have put on aprons and are helping Cece. Bex is at the stove tending to some bok choy and Bowie is carving the duck.

Cece smiles warmly and gives Andi a hug. “Happy birthday, Andi!”

Andi sighs into the warm embrace, squeezing her tightly. “Thanks, Cece." 

When pull away, Cece tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, and sighs. "You look beautiful. I can’t believe you’re sixteen! Feels like only yesterday you were in diapers.”

“I know,” Bex moans. “Time flies.”

Andi does her best not to roll her eyes, already having heard this multiple times today. “How can I help?”

Cece maneuvers Andi to a stool at the counter. “You don’t need to do anything. You just sit and relax.” Andi and her mother exchange a look… that has never been Cece’s philosophy. “You know, your birthday falling on the Harvest Moon Festival is very auspicious,” Cece continues as she begins chopping mushrooms. “You were born on the Harvest Moon Festival, and here it is again falling on your birthday! It means you find a love like in the festival folklore.”

Andi looks at Bex again. ’What?’ She mouths. Cece had strict anti-boyfriend/relationship rules. Bex makes a face and shrugs. 

“What’s the folklore?” Bowie asks, ending the nonverbal conversation. 

“Long ago, there were ten suns in the sky. All living things were suffering under the immense heat. So Hou Yi, a skilled archer, climbed atop a mountain and shot down nine of the suns. 

“To reward Hou Yi for saving the planet, the Queen of Heaven gave him a bottle of the elixir of life. 

“Hou Yi was very grateful but could not imagine life without his wife, Chang'e. So he kept the bottle at home for safe keeping. 

“One day, one of Hou Yi’s fellow soldiers, Peng Meng, broke into their home to steal the elixir. To prevent Peng Meng from taking the elixir,  Chang'e drank it herself. Becoming immortal, she floated up into the sky. 

“That night, when Hou Yi returned, his maids recounted the events of the day. Distraught,  Hou Yi took his bow and set off to find Peng Meng and make him pay. But as he walked out of his house, he noticed the moon was full and bright. And he saw a figure on the moon resembling Chang'e.

“It turns out, Chang'e couldn’t stand the thought of being so far from Hou Yi, so she chose to live on the moon, the closest being to earth, to watch over her husband.  And once a month, the lovers are reunited when the moon is the fullest and brightest because of their love for one another." 

"Wow, that’s beautiful, Cece.” Bowie murmurs. Andi nods, it’s been a few years since she heard that story. Now that she’s older she appreciates it more.  She understands the power of love, familial, platonic and romantic… well, kind of the last one.

Cece smiles, “It was my favorite folklore growing up." 

"Is that why you’re so calm, even though Aunt Mei is coming?” Andi asks. 

“Mom, you didn’t tell me Aunt Mei was coming!” Bex was just as surprised as Andi. 

“Because she isn't…” Cece said slowly.  “Andi… did she tell you she was coming?” Andi could see panic in Cece’s face… the serene Cece from moments ago was disappearing, fast. 

“No!” Andi exclaimed. “I saw the extra place settings and assumed…”

The room collectively exhaled in relief. Cece waved her hand, as if she was shooing the tension away.  “Oh no! An old friend of mine is in town visiting her family and I invited them over,” she looked over and Andi with an impish smile.  “And she has a grandson who’s about your age. He’s very good looking…”

“Mom, no! Just because she’s sixteen now doesn’t mean you can play matchmaker!”

Cece tried to look innocent. “I’m not… I’m just saying…” she swatted Bex away from the stovetop and began sauteing the mushrooms. 

“Mom, I’m serious,” Bex warned. 

Cece merely shrugged and continued stirring the mushrooms. 

Bex motioned for Andi to leave the kitchen, so she hopped off the stool and headed for Andi Shack.

Andi caught glimpses of her mother and grandmother talking through the window.  They weren’t yelling, but it looked a little heated.

Andi sighed and pulled out her phone.  

Andi [5:16 PM]: Grandmother’s can be so weird. I swear Cece has done a complete 180 today. She told me about her friend’s cute grandson!

BF ❤ [5:17 PM]: I hear you. I love mine but she’s extremely giddy rn… and I haven’t seen her in a few months but giddy is not a word used to describe her.

Andi [5:17 PM]: Grandmas, amirite?

BF ❤ [5:18 PM]: lol. 😂 I gotta go,  we’re leaving for dinner but see you after?

Andi [5:18 PM]: Have fun!

BF ❤ [5:19 PM]: You, too!

After a few minutes, her dad pokes his head out the back door and waves her back into the house. When she returns to the kitchen, Cece and Bex are silently putting together platters of food. “Smells good in here,” Andi says quietly.

Cece lets out a chuckle and wipes her hands clean before taking Andi’s hands in her own. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like you were being set up. I’m just very happy to see an old friend, and we were joking about how we finally could become family if our grandkids got together. But I don’t want you to think I’m forcing you to date or like someone.”

Andi nods and gives Cece’s hand a quick squeeze. “I know.”

The doorbell rings and Cece lets out an excited squeal. “She’s here!” She takes her apron off, fluffs her hair and heads for the door.

Andi looks bemusedly at Bex as they follow Cece, “Do I know who this is?”

Bex shrugs, “Maybe? Auntie Ying moved away a long time ago, but she visits every few years. She can be… terrifying… I think you would remember her.” 

Andi thinks for a moment, “I don’t know if I’ve met her. I think I’d remember terrifying…”

Bex smiles, “Well, you get to meet her now!” 

Cece is checking her reflection in the mirror, when they reach the entryway. Cece looks them up and down, nodding in approval before throwing the door open. “Ying!” Cece embraces the woman on the other side.

“Celia!” Auntie Ying replies. As they pull away from hug, Andi gets a good look at Auntie Ying. She’s a little bit taller than Cece, her long dark hair swept up in an elegant bun. “Your home is lovely as always. And your family is here, Bex it’s good to see you again. And you must be here husband, Bowie. I’ve heard a lot about you. And I’m afraid I’m going to ask you a lot of gardening questions.” Auntie Ying shakes Bowies hand before turning to Andi. 

“And Andi, I haven’t seen you since you were a little girl.” She hooks a finger under Andi’s chin, examining her face. “You’re so beautiful. I heard it was your sixteenth birthday. And to fall on the Harvest Moon Festival, very lucky,” she says pulling out a red envelope out of her purse. “Happy birthday.”

Andi smiles, a little awed, and takes the red envelope, “Thank you.” She usually only receives red envelopes for Lunar New Year. Auntie Ying isn’t that scary. 

Auntie Ying continues by introducing her son and daughter in law, David and Christina. Andi can’t help but notice there’s no cute grandson. If he’s as good looking as Cece claims, he probably already is taken. Besides, she has a cute boyfriend.

There’s a light knock at the door, and Auntie Ying moves towards the door. “That must be my grandson, my sunzi,” she says proudly.

Andi’s not sure why her heartbeat quickens when the door opens. The grandson’s face is partially obscured by a tall orchid. He steps inside and moves the orchid. He bows to Cece and hands her the pot. “Nai Nai said you love orchids, and this one smells so fragrant I thought it would be a nice addition to your plants.”

And can’t stop her jaw from dropping. Is he for real? Cece thanks him and murmurs “I told you so,” to her as she walks by to put the orchid in the living room. 

Andi watches as Auntie Ying introduces Bowie and Bex to her grandson. When he turns towards her, he has a big smile on his face and her heart begins to beat even faster. She’s frozen in place as he approaches with his hand held out. “Hi. Nathan.”

She feels a nudge from behind her - Bex probably- and she snaps out of it. She goes to shake his hand, “Andi.” His hand is big and warm, when it covers her own, and she feels her cheeks flush.

“Andi, something tells me we’re going to have a lot of fun tonight,” Nathan says, eyes twinkling.

“Yeah,” she says faintly.  She doesn’t realize they’re still shaking hands until Bowie clears his throat in a very dad like manner making them jump apart.

“Should we join everyone in the living room?” Bowie asks.  Nathan nods. “After you,” Bowie says gesturing towards the room and Nathan heads in first.  

Yes, this was going to be a very interesting evening.

—

@dancerdramatic14 I hope this answers your question!