#and then ill see myself in the mirror at work or something and im a lot skinnier than i expect to look

[paging-possum]

Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....

[arosebyan0thername]

Tw in the tags for unhealthy eating habits bc readmore doesn't seem to work on mobile anymore

[chewablepebbles]

[sweetlady555]

My Personal Solar Return Observations Pt I

I just got into astrology more and I’ve been suupeerrr into solar return observations lately and this is what I have observed from my own chart! My birthday was 2 months ago and the solar return is SOLAR RETURNING .

Moon in 8h in Aquarius SR - TONS of family secrets coming to the surface. Almost concerning? . Im finding out soo much stuff about my parents . My home environment is also changing a lot, my dad used to be home a lot and now my dad has like completely abandoned me lmaooo . such a strange uranus energy since aquarius is ruled by uranus . Ive been feeling more independent lately and sometimes I dissociate and pretend im living in LA in my own studio alone and away from my unstable family 😍….. I have my chart ruler in here too haha (pray for me) 😊 so this year is definitely going to be transforming AF . Im sensing it everything feels too intense lately 👁️ ..

Cancer Rising SR - I’ve been dealing with a lot of family stuff over the years (toxic relationships that r still ongoing lmaoaoa) and im noticing that instead of digging myself deeper or being depressed, i’ve been nurturing myself more and turning my space into a cozy sanctuary and not into some bed rotting mess😹. Ive been improving my current living situation compared to the past so theres definitely nurturing myself more , saying affirmations in the mirror , working on my self care , getting offered help from my step-family.

Sun in 12H in Cancer SR - I got into astrology a lot of spiritual stuff . Also communicating with my spirit guides more often etc .. I definitely do feel more connected to my spirit guides now I feel im being guided and protected a lot this year . everything feels like its just meant to happen and i mean that in the best way . Getting vivid dreams, ive been writing them down more a lot lately and they’ve been giving me insights on my subconscious and even slight deja vu? I remember I dreamt of me and my dad in my aunts car and 2 days later she had called me and gotten upset because my dad took her car and hadnt brought it back after she let him borrow it for a few hours. Even though my sleep schedule is so bad i love dreaming more now because the universe always gifts me with something meaningful and beautiful in my dreams🙏. Also I been listening to music like A Looottttt more lately EVEN WHEN IM ASLEEP😭 im like oohhh whos playing this banger and i wake up and its just music thats been on shuffle for the past 9 hours 💀

Venus 12H in Cancer 10° SR - finding out what i want in relationships , although i do feel like its becoming hard to connect with others in that way ..? does that make sense ? ive been doing lots of self love affirmations that my dreams consist of love and harmonious energies 😹sometimes ill think about love and a boyfriend and really want it but the next day ill be like wow i love myself so much i really cannot see myself with anyone😇.. lots of creative solitude , being more open to recieve love from my family members AFTER REFUSING multiple times ( it makes me icky sometimes still ) learning compassion and forgiveness for others , im a scorpio moon in my natal so ive held grudges since 6th grade i never cared 😭😭😩.. but this venus in 12h is like reversing the effect… 👁️💧

Venus Conjuct Asc in Cancer SR - GLOW UP PLACEMENT 🙏 i was sexy before but its like my sexiness increased by like 10x . People are noticing it too!! i got told “bros evolving” on one of my posts 😭😭 I also feel like im finding my own personal style aswell! . I also see my body changing (in a good way)

Sun conjuct Asc in Cancer SR - confidence on 1000!!! feeling self assured , nobody can really tell me anything bad about me TO ME and think ILL believe it cuz i wont!! i know who i am thankqqq😛

Mercury 1h in Cancer SR - i feel like this placement helped add onto me becoming so self assured in myself and figuring out who i truly am . Ive been studying and researching about myself a lootttt too !! Ive been getting a lot of gut feelings and just proceeding with them and usually i wont and ill just go with logic but idgaf anymore because usually these gut feelings usually lead to something so worth the outcome whether it may look good or bad!

Mars 11h in Taurus 12° SR - I have lots of amazing goals and things im looking forward to for this year!! I feel so eager to just GO FOR IT but taurus is a slow and steady sign so thats just how i been moving lately .. in silence too cuz there be haters all around 🤐

Pluto 7h in Aquarius 1° SR - ive been unfriending a lot of people to make new friendships idk if thats a bad thing but all the past people i feel are secretly plotting against me… most likely that 1° because i heard that could represent enemies? take that with a grain of salt but anyway ive been more clearer about what i want in friendships aswell which is goal oriented people who just want to get rich and make something for themselves!!! Im tired of the self limiting beliefs and the envy!!!

Saturn 9h in Pisces 19° SR - I start my senior year this month and I plan on graduating early , saturn rules discipline and structure but also setbacks . i feel like this school year although i have that vision i feel like im gonna have to put a lot of work this year lmao i hate school so much i was supposed to go to summer school but i ended up not going to get my mind right before the school year started which has really helped tho imo . i wanted to drop out but at the same time my pride is too high and i feel like this is a great opportunity to build discipline, time management and responsibility for the goals that ill have after i graduate. ive already been setting the milestones and all which is the saturn and pisces influence comin thru 🙏

Neptune 9h in Pisces 29° SR - the 29° usually the “fame indicator degree” can also represent a start to completion/ending of something , since i would be focused on graduating early for my senior year i could see this as me graduating early and completing that academic journey and preparing and embracing a new journey . i feel like this would most likely be spiritual because i caaannooottt focus on school and astrology and spirituality all at the same time because 9 times out of 10 my focus is on astrology and spirituality i needa get my priorities straight😭😩😹..

Just wanted to note this but while reading your SR chart its important to look at your South Node aswell because it can show you what lessons and patterns you need to review / past influences & comfort zones . 1h nn = 7h sn , 2h nn = 8h sn , 3h nn = 9h sn , 4h nn = 10h sn , 5h nn = 11h sn , and so on

North Node 10h in Aries&South Node 4h in Libra - The SN 4h Libra and NN 10H Aries could show that I have to balance my growth and comfort and moving towards new opportunities. With South Node in the 4H in Libra, I may find myself relying on familiar comforts from my past . The south node here might show that I might fall back into old family dynamics . my step family is offering for me to move in with them to help me get back up on my feet and this is such a good opportunity but they did this before though last year and I ended up moving back with my neglectful dad and I just fell depressedddddd . ill prolly release my old patterns where I would be moving away from family support because last year my mom offered to help me and support me and i ended up being manipulated and i fell depressed again then went to my step dad for help so i can get ahead and i went back with my dad and got even more depressed lmaoo but ill see how this ends up playing out. With the north node in the 10h in aries , i’ve been really focused on building my own unique self image instead of just catering to what others expected of me . Ill be looking forward to the goals I have planned out while actively working on them . With the influence of Aries too, bold and courageous, I’d most likely be taking risks to pursue my goals and stepping out my comfort zone. Probably by being SO FED UP with my controlling dad that I just take that leap 💯

this is my first observation post i was gonna go to sleep but i was dedicated to finish this tonight, i hope this was insightful to many of you and may this year bring all of us sweet blessings ⭐️

[nereidprinc3ss]

i have thoughts on reid x dilaudid that i feel like i’ve never seen anyone talk about before so im gonna share

spoilers for s2 ofc and cw for discussions of substance abuse

something im thinking abt right now is that presumably reid was not psychologically or physically dependent on dilaudid yet by the time he was rescued from tobias hankel. of course he was incredibly traumatized and im not saying i wouldn’t anticipate wanting relief from that if i were him, but he could have gone without the drugs. he CHOSE to take the vials from tobias when he left. so if you think about it we didn’t even see the turning point into his addiction—he had to make the choice AGAIN to shoot up at some later point. he obviously knows the statistics abt addiction and the opioid crisis. but we know he really was addicted eventually. so after tobias, he got home and looked at those vials and made that choice to shoot up again, fully aware of what he was doing and all the implications and potential consequences but he was just in that much pain.

like it makes me so so sad to think about how smart he is and how his vast intellect was not enough to stop him at any point in the pursuit of getting high and he was contending with that the whole time, aware that he should be “too smart” for what he’s doing. like he had to procure syringes, he had to consider what he was potentially sacrificing, all while he was completely lucid, and he still made a fully conscious decision that it was more valuable to get high.

or maybe he convinced himself he was just going to use them to wean himself off because it would take a major toll on your body to receive all those drugs in such a short time frame. maybe he thought he could slowly detox. which might be even sadder. or maybe he was lying to himself the whole time and knew he just wanted to give himself permission to get high again. idk.

regardless it’s really really sad to think about how much effort he had to put into doing something he knew was terrible for him and how he chose it again and again because that’s how much he was hurting. like that scene of him holding the bottles and looking in the mirror at work hits a lot harder when you realize his addiction was not something just happened to him. he can’t entirely shirk the blame. i can’t even imagine how much self loathing he would have had going on at that time

(also i am fully aware that addiction is an illness and in many regards not a choice at all, but im saying its not likely he was actually clinically diagnostically addicted to dilaudid by the time he was freed. in that sense, he did make choices which contributed to his addiction, and he had to live with that, which i think is really highlighted by him looking in the mirror like what the fuck have i done to myself)

anyways im so sad now😂😂😂😂!!!!!! this is one of my favorite plot lines it was done so dirty!!

[earlymorningfoxhunt]

Hello, we're a system/collective who started listening to Malevolent on June 7th, 2024, and boy did it hit close to home! not only because of the jarthur body sharing blues, but also johns individual experience with his identity made us feel seen in a way we haven't felt before.

the way john has to figure out what differentiates himself from both arthur and hastur, despite feeling trapped behind arthurs eyes and chained to hastur heart, aligns with our experiences... a lot. so we've been making a compilation for the past month that includes all of the moments that made us go OOORRG as well as different folks commentaries (mostly consisting of us going OOORRG). this is going to be long as shit because this entire show is this.

also if your a system/collective who likes malevolent: PLEASE put ur favorite moments/ur thoughts

and if you haven't listened to malevolent: hey, you should give it a try and then come cry to me about it :D

A Compilation Of Malevolent Moments That Hit Differently As A System:

The Caves: (34:59-35:20)

during their argument john laughs while arthur trips over things

hehehe ya

The Path: (43:06-44:05)

johns questioning if he's feeding off of arthurs emotions or if hes learning them for himself, new split type beat, trying to figure out where each other start and end.

"we are of two minds, and more and more im realizing two souls as well. there's a bleed over effect but you are something entirely your own, john."

The Fall:

oh my god this episode. this man got so fucking pissed, not at john for rubbing the death of arthurs child in his face, but at arthur pulling host rank???? i was like ya buddy you can rot in a pit for a few months, mf you cant do that!! we we're listening to this at work and we were so pissed

The King: (35:00-36:25)(45:18-48:57)

its the first time arthur talks for him and its the first time he feels johns tears.

arthurs confrontation with the king and the feeling of no matter how much you hate each other, you're going to have each others back. for us personally it feels like a sucker punch to the gut every time he says "because i cant lose another person!"

The Unconquerable:

when we wrote down the title we didnt know why the episode resonated with us, but now I come back to it a month later as a yellow introject. we have horrid memory issues on top of memory issues, so it hurts something familiar to see the state yellow is in when he gets thrown into arthur. not knowing who or where he is but still trying to hold the cards, arthurs disappointment that hes not who he wanted him to be. its a new kind of painful. its the odd solace that comes from a shattered mirror.

we see arthurs frustration but its almost nice to be able to hate him for not giving yellow more grace.

The Train: (4:19-8:10)

I have literally told this guy he looks 80lbs sopping wet before, this entire episode is perfect. the bickering, the team work, the having to navigate socializing, it feels so nice

The Tear: (12:14-22:48)

ya...

The Detective: [(3:50-7:05) (10:40-14:58)] (28:09-28:18)

we made the mistake of listening to this on the way to getting tacos and we just had to sit in the parking lot, crying as john got to be seen for the first time by an ally. I've never had the experience myself(others in our system are out tho) but seeing it go well for him sparked something in me, enough that it pulled us to front for the past few weeks. that, w. it was a very important moment to us

and on a completely different vibe, "have you ever... before?" fuckin "well with out my excellent call outs" silly guy

The Order II: (23:26-24:00)

huh? oh hes not talking to us

The Witch: [(16:11-17:24) (25:30-26:56) (29:00-33:17)]

the whole episode honestly, start to finish.

no, im not including the ending speech it makes me physically ill

WITCH: This woman cared for you?

JOHN: Yes. 

WITCH: Lies! She cared for your mortal!

JOHN: He couldn’t hear her! I was the one who received her care, her kindness, her –

WITCH: Intended for another!

JOHN: What does that matter!? She knew no difference between me or him! She knew nothing of the soul that heard her, whether it was… (He sighs in frustration.) It was the same care. The same… compassion. 

UUUUUUUUUGGGGG

Honorary Mentions:

all of johns memory issues in season 4:

how every time he came back he would be defensive saying "right, i knew that!" even when he didn't remember, that's a classic.

Intermezzo: (5:00-5:46)

kayne and his many many voices/me not me/ its not about the names were given its about the names we choose

every time jarthur says we/our

The King:

"well at least thats what the loudest voice in my head says" ya? and how many voices are in there?

[themoonisbeautifulisnt-it]

Hey just saw your post about your TS Mcs if it counts for something I'm interested in any art and lore you want to share :)

OH MY GOD LETS GO !!!!!

Okay ! im going to try and summarize for the one i actually have lore for. im still making/fine tuning her lore and if you have anything cool to add on ill consider it!!! Just want to say that I kinda went crazy w the oc and even added worlding building and stuff around her lol

SO! MEET CELESTINE!

(Sorry for the crusty paper)

She was born on a special celestial event (I havent decide what yet) into a high society with equal power to the Senobium and for a point in time they were one/partner organizations. Her guild The Keepers of the Universe has a very self expanatory name, they keep the balance and order of the universe lol. There are many mages in this guild such as Mages of time, life, death, etc.

Due to some history altering incident a few generations ago, A mage of death went rogue(or maybe caused an accident I havent decided as yet) and caused a rift in the balance of the universe creating the soulless !! And because of this her guild, The Keepers wanted to banish all Death/"dark" magic and those mages were already rare to begin with. The Senobium was against this and this is what caused the spilt between the two. So whatever mage of death did not flee/go to the Senobium was killed by The Keepers.

YEARS LATER NOW, our girl Celestine is born and she is growing up in the society and which everyone is finding their calling in magic, she isn't good at anything (you could see where this is going)

And mind you, this guild works closely to the Universe it kind of acts like their god in a way. And the elders (As close as elders could be cuz i made ranks to this society and you need to master all magic including death magic to be in the top tier complicated ik sorry i couldnt help myself) speak to the universe that told them like in riddles/code that a new death mage was on their way, a real powerful one.

(think of the percy jackson prophecy i think it was a mirror)

and for years the elders were wary and due to some situation (i havent thought of it yet) but lets say some high stress situation, their guild is under attack and the power that was in Celestine dormant all this time got awoken by the Universe LITERALLY LIGHTENING STRIKING HER. like a lightening strike but the vast powers of the universe hence the scar on the right side of her face which i redrew (again sorry for the bootlegged drawing)

now she has this scar that looks like the starry sky and this star eye that looks like the whole universe is moving in it and due to this huge power she kinda wrecked a part of lets say sanctuary the ppl in her guild lives in for lack of a better description. Injuring a good few, maybe even killing one or two and now shes on the run!! Now she wants to get in the Senobium for answers. THATS BASICALLY THE SUMMARY OF MY OC. can u guess who im pairing her w plsss

ALSO heres a drawing of my other OC ! i dont have a name for them but if you do I would love to hear it! their pronouns is they/them and all I got for them rn is that they are on the same plane as Kuras with their diety-like powers.

sorry for the long post i got really excited! lol BUT PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS IM SO DOWN TO TELL YOU THE DETAILS

[matchakuracat]

today i had lunch with my almost 80 year old grandma and her 75 year old sister and there's something so beautifully tragic with seeing myself in her and relating to her struggling to lift a plate for too long because of weak hands and wrists. in a way she's like a mirror image of me which is beautiful to me but at the same time tragic because that's not the way it's supposed to be. a 20 year old shouldn't relate to sickness that a 70 year old person got because of her old age.

and the way my grandma is retired and doesn't need the money but still works extra both as a social worker and at daycares simply because she wants to, and travels to other countries to hike in mountains at 79 years old is amazing to me. but at the same time im jealous. she can do so many things i can't do and probably wont ever be able to do when i still have my whole life ahead of me.

i can't and won't be able to do things that people older than me can do. but i also can't do things people my age do. i can't go to school. i can't work. i can't drive. i might never be able to live on my own and it's so hard to accept when you looked forward and expected to be able to do those things your entire life until you got sick.

i guess the point im trying to make is that being chronically ill and disabled warps your perception of age in a way and makes you feel both too young and too old at the same time. it feels like i'll never fit in with what's expected by any age group at any time in my life. and it sucks, but it's just something i have to accept and deal with somehow.

[chekhovs-nailgun]

i have some thoughts on coping thru fiction and using fic/writing as a general tool that i wanna put out there. warning: i will be discussing grooming below the cut.

so to get it out of the way, i was groomed when i was 11. i don’t think this is the time nor place for me to go into a whole ramble about the specifics of that, so i won’t. all that’s necessary right now is that it happened and within a year i started adding similar dynamics to a project i was working on.

it was a sideplot during my first nanowrimo attempt centered around a post-apocalyptic scenario. the jist of it was a kid in his mid-teens, think 16 or so, was romantically obsessed with a mid-20s, closer to 30 woman. the age difference was about the same. i would ask for advice on the story in general from my mom (phd in psychology, literally never had a problem with it lmfao, funny how that works).

was it ass? absolutely, it was. a 12 year old wrote it. it’s never seeing the light of day lmao. but it was really important in the process of me not fucking hating myself for years for thinking/internalizing that it was a moral failing on my part.

the thing about it is that at the time, it didn’t feel like coping. i felt like i was just writing about something that happens. fleshing it out in that sterile environment helped me get a grip of how fucking gross what happened to me was, while putting myself in a position where i had control over what happened, something i didn’t have irl. i didn’t even realize that’s what happened until i thought “ah yes, i started writing dark fic when i was 12, the same calendar year i was groomed.”

“…”

now i look at people arguing over the semantics of it, with fic of that type being morally reprehensible with exceptions like “only if you never share it” or “only if you use it to cope” or “using it to cope is morally reprehensible for this-or-that reason, don’t interact with it in any way other than seething rage or some other specific way”. while seething rage and pure fucking anger can be a totally fine way to deal with it, people who think in these kinds of ways need to remember: not everybody is you. making broad assumptions, nitpicking, and believing that your way is the only correct way does nothing but harm other victims by taking away an opportunity for them to work out their trauma, at best. at worst? it allows more predators to hide and commit tangible harm due to widespread assumptions that the people hurting others are the people posting fic, and not the “safe” adults playing into kids’ interests and making them feel important and special. (source: that’s what mine did; yucky bad fanfiction was never a part of the equation.)

i know what the response to this is. “ackshully posting it is doing harm because it normalizes it and gives predators the confidence to act on the thoughts they already have; the human psyche is more sensitive to porn and if you get tired of fiction you’re bound to turn to nonfiction”. this is where the age old disagreement comes into play, and while i don’t see much of a point in rehashing it for people who already have their minds made up on it, i would like to note a couple of things, firstly that humans aren’t mirrors. most people see things like this and recognize it’s wrong, just like they recognize that other subjects criminalized irl are wrong, such as murder, theft, etc. if somebody sees something problematic and decides it’s a good way to act, there was something already wrong, be it undiagnosed mental illness or being too young/impressionable to participate safely in such circles. i also find this viewpoint really cruel in that it takes responsibility away from the actual predators, essentially painting them as wild animals who “couldn’t help it, they became desensitized and just had to have more of that vile content you people make” when grooming is, at its core, a desire for power over another. im gonna come out and say it: predators are smart. they are called predators for a reason. thinking of them as lawless beasts who operate out of instinct is entirely disrespectful to victims.

the cold hard truth of the matter is that darkfic, no matter how disgusting people find it on a case by case basis, is morally neutral. it cannot damage anybody by simply existing unless warnings are ignored or it is actively weaponized, sometimes meaning that the content itself is removed from the protective warnings and wantonly put on display for large audiences of underage people to see.

i personally don’t like a whole lot of darkfic, im really picky about what i read. and i think that no matter my thoughts on it, it has a right to exist. idc, consider me a “bad victim” lmao. if you do that’s your cross to bear, not mine.

tldr: sometimes you need to express shit and fuck you if you try to enforce your own feelings on others trying to do so

[witchersmistress]

The begining of the end

this is part 1 of rainstorms and hate sex. im working on this series so it'll be jumbled for a little bit! @livesinfantasyland, this should answer some of your questions, im still working on the basement scene and ill post it as soon as i complete it!

Warning: the usual for my style

word count: 3k

As per usual my darlings, you do not have my permission to copy or use my work in anyway, if you do ill haunt you for the rest of your days!!

The slam of a fist jarred my attention. I looked away from Preston just a moment to see August walking away and he was seething. I eyed Preston and he just gave a knowsing smirk, “You stupid mother fucker” i spat as i set my coffee cup in the sink “You cannot use me to get to him” he gave that same cold indifferent mask that he wears so well along with a sly smirk “Who said i had to do anything? It seems he is working things out for himself” he takes a sip of his coffee and goes to leave. I grabbed his arm “ I don't not care what is going on between the two of you but leave me out of it i will not choose sides'' his blue-grey eyes look back at me “Funny it looks like you've already chosen the wrong side in this war” 

He walked away without another word. I went in search of August. Making my way to his corner office, I knocked on the door and opened it slowly, “August?” I questioned. His desk was empty, his decanter of whiskey wasn't in its usual place, it was on his desk next to a glass that was recently emptied, peeking around he clearly wasn't here. Backing my way out of his office I heard voices of two men I'd rather not deal with, Duke and Baron, the twins. Both of them are well over 6 feet, both are well built. Both with dark hair, Duke’s was shorter on the sides but the top was long and curled. He had a full sleeve of black and grey intricate tattoos on his left arm.

Baron, his hair was short all over. He didn't have any visible tattoos, and he had glasses, he was a master hacker, the rumors around the office were and Duke, he was just a man whore. I tried to walk away before they caught me “Wait up Cherry pie” , a lilting British accent called after me. Damn it, it was Baron. Rolling my eyes I turned to face him “What do you need?” leaning against the doorframe of August’s office “Nothing just seeing what you wanted with my brother? A little too close with him aren't we?” I took a step towards him, ready to give him a smack across his face. Clenching my fist and raising my arm “Easy dove, he goes to the shooting range when he is stressed, you'll find him there.” Duke spoke. I didn't say anything and walked away from them while I still could.

Taking the elevator down to the basement level, and making my way to the fire range, I can hear the gun fire from down the hall before I even walk in. grabbing a pair of ear plugs and glasses, I made my way. I can hear the muffled sound of my heels as I approach him. He has his suit coat hanging on the end of a hook. His broad shoulders tense underneath his dress shirt which is a little too tight, the powerful stance he held as he hit his target true. The sound of gun fire, muffled by my ear plugs, but still made me clench my thighs in anticipation. That man fucks like he fights, id be a goner. I stopped about 2 feet away from him. Not that i could scare him but i mostly don't trust myself to not reach out and touch him. “What do you want” i was at a lose for words, how the hell did that man tell i was there, was he fucking superman or something? He emptied the clip, he pointed to the top of his station, there was a mirror so he could see behind him. “You had no chance of sneaking up on me” he turned to face me, “Now are you going to tell me why you are here? I stuttered, positive that I looked like a dying cod fish.

He just glared at me with those striking blue eyes, waiting. Stuttering and stumbling over my words as if I was a young child learning to walk, he watched me with amusement, hooking his index finger under my chin, tilting it up to meet my gaze “Yes baby?” I let out a shuddering sigh and spoke softly. “I’m not involved with Preston, he is just an asshole” his lips quivered as he lowered his hand “ I know, i just can't stand the thought of that man touching what’s mine” he caressed my cheek softly, pulling his bottom lip between his sharp teeth. I looked into those blue eyes to see if I could read anything but that stupid mask was back in place and he was back to hard ass McGee.

Dropping his hand, he stretched his neck listening to it crack, he turned round and started to pack up. “Why do you hate him so much? Is he why you refuse to let me join the Swans with you” i blurted, plastering my false bravado on my face as he exhaled slowly “Baby none of that matters'' turning back to face me as he grabbed his suit coat “As long as he doesn't touch what's mine again we won't have problems. As for being a Swan, you’ll never be one'' buttoning his suit coat and grabbing his briefcase, watching his finely sculpted ass walk away, normally left me needy and wanting but I was hot for a different reason. I was angry, for the lack of answer and that man treating me with kid gloves. I've had it.

“August” i yelled as i followed him to his waiting vehicle “August Fucking Walker” i spat i could taste the venom in my mouth “you cant stop me from trying to join the Swans with or without you ill succeed” he let out a fake laugh “No you wont” i let out a harsh growl as he got to his SUV. stopping feet away from him, in a moment of rage i threw out at him the worst thing i could say “With an attitude like that, it's no wonder your twin sister left you” i swear the temperature of the room dropped by at least 20 degrees if not more. He turned to face me, he was seething with rage. “What did you say?” he spoke as he prowled towards me. Swallowing the hard lump in my throat, I dared to say it again as I went back into my car. “I said no wonder your twin..” but my words were cut off by a large hand grasping me round my throat, pinning me in place. I clawed at his hand to get him to let go. “You know nothing of my sister, you will never be the woman she would be.” he spat at me. He squeezed my throat to get his point across. At that moment I never feared him, even then but I was terrified of what he would do to me if he didnt let go.

August’s POV

 I had her pinned by her throat, the beast inside my chest just begging to come out to play, she couldn't just leave well enough alone. First all her questions about becoming a swan and then Preston hanging around her like a goddamn leech and now this sister jab, that was all I could handle today before I broke. Getting right in her face “Preston Darling, his brother is the reason my sister is gone, she died in her car in the backseat with that low life darling boy he called a brother. His family is the reason my sister is dead and I will never let him live it down. Ever wonder why he wears a half mask on his face?

Duke likes to play with fire just a little too much. I don't remember her like I do but I will remember the last words I ever spoke to her as she left the house wearing that necklace, the ones that declared she was a Darling whore. You are dead to me, and three days later she was.” her face was turning purple. Her hands clawed at my arms, drawing blood in a desperate attempt to release her. I shook the haze from my vision, dropping her like a sack of potatoes, stepping back watching her gulp down oxygen like she was guaranteed to never breathe again. She sputtered and choked as she rose to her feet. “You..Fucking..Asshole” she managed between breaths. I glared at her. She righted herself and came charging at me, her small fist hitting me in my chest “You.. Monster” she spat as she continued to pound away at my chest. The hits slowed before coming to a stop before she looked up at me, tears welling in the corner of her eyes. Swiping one away with my thumb and licking the salty tear off. Your tears tasted soo fucking good, i couldnt wait to get you to cry so more. Grabbing you by your biceps, I opened the back door of your vehicle and shoved you in.

Your POV

 Watching him licking my tears was something else. He grabbed me and spun me around to face his vehicle “August” I went to say before my words were abruptly cut off by his sharp tongue.

“Shut the fuck up, Baby,” he growls, yanking the back door of the truck open and stuffing me inside.

“It’s over. You lost. You’re not strong enough to take me down, and you never will be. Go home.” “Fuck you,” I yell. “I’m not giving up that easily.” I hurl myself back out, but he catches me, tossing me across the seat and jumping up in, blocking the way out. I reach for the other door, but he grabs my knees and pulls me back, and suddenly I’m on my back on the seat, and he’s yanking at my skirt. Tears of fury burn my eyes, and I twist away, but not before I see him yanking at his belt with his other hand. He flips me onto my back again and dives onto me, wrestling my thighs open and plowing into me. I cry out in fury, pounding at his shoulders as he buries his cock deeper, swearing at me as he grinds himself up to the hilt inside me. We’ve been fucking for over a month, but he’s so big it still hurts like fuck when he doesn’t prep me.

The fucked up part is, the pain is starting to turn me on as much as everything else he does. “Let me up,” I snarl. “You don’t deserve to fuck me after you choked me half to death.” “You crazy bitch,” he growls, gripping my hands and linking his fingers through mine, pinning them to the seat as he grinds his pelvic bone against my clit. “Is this what you wanted? Is this why you followed me? You need a good pounding to knock some sense into you?” A shudder of pleasure rocks through me, and I want to deny it, but he can feel how wet I am, so wet it makes me furious. “So what if it is?” I snap, bucking my hips, not sure if I’m trying to throw him off or push him deeper, push him over the edge, watch him lose control the way I love to do. “Why shouldn’t I?” “I told you what would happen if you ever disobeyed my rules,” he says, thrusting into me hard and fast, each movement punctuated by his harsh words.

“Is that what you wanted? You want me to watch my brothers wreck this sweet cunt like I do?” “You’d never,” I swear at him, my knees gripping his hips as I wrench at my hands, trying to free them from his grip. He only fucks me harder, pounding me into the seat like he’s trying to tear me in half. He bares his teeth in a feral snarl, but I don’t drop his gaze. I slam my hips up against his so hard I hope it leaves bruises, meeting each punishing thrust with my own. Last time, he told me he’d let his brothers run a train on me if I came over. But that was before. Things are different now. Maybe before I came along, he and his brothers did their thing to all the girls. But now he cares. And when he cares, August doesn’t share with anyone, not even his brothers. I know him well enough to know that. And he looks fucking pissed about it.

He grabs a handful of my hair, yanking my head back until I cry out, my body arching automatically, my knees spreading wider. He yanks my leg up with his other hand, hooking it around his hips, the force of his movements positively savage as he slams into me so hard I know I’ll have bruises on my hips tomorrow from where we collide, bruises on my leg from where his strong fingers bite into me, crushing my muscle until I cry out. “That’s right, baby,” he says, his voice coming in quick bursts between the crushing blows of his hips. “Let me hear you use that loud voice now. I know you want to. Let it out. Scream for me, Cherry Pie.” “I fucking hate you,” I snarl. “I hate you more.” “I’m so fucking close,” I say through panting breaths, my nails raking down his back. “Scream and I’ll cum so deep inside you that it changes your fucking DNA,” he growls.

 I drop my head back and let go, let myself scream all the fury and pleasure and frustration until all I feel is relief at the sensation of our bodies joining, even if we’re still warring with our hearts. August lets out a guttural groan, his cock throbbing thick inside me as he locks his hips to mine, forcing me to take every inch of him, every drop of his cum as it floods into me in a rush of wet heat. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he murmurs into my neck. “If I came any harder, I’d stroke out and die inside you.”

I shove at his shoulder. “Let me on top. I didn’t cum yet. And you better stay fucking hard while I do.” He rolls us over, sliding his big hands up my thighs and helping me find my rhythm. His eyes are so full, brimming with dark heat, that it just about devours me. I throw my head back, riding him while he grips my hip in one hand and slides the other up the front of my body. He wraps his fingers around my throat, his touch rough but not violent. His grip on my hip is punishing, but his hand on my throat is commanding but almost tender.

The contrast makes me come undone. My walls clench around him, the orgasm gripping me from head to toe, making me jerk on top of him uncontrollably, my body taking over. I know what he means about stroking out. Before him, I didn’t know it was possible to cum so hard. When the climax releases me, I collapse onto him, sliding my palms up his forearms to grip his hands the way he did mine, with my small fingers laced between his long, strong ones. “Holy fuck, I could watch you ride me until the day I die and never get tired of it,” he murmurs into my hair, kissing the top of my head. I catch my breath for a minute before sitting up and pressing his hands into the seat. “I think that was more than ten,” I say with a smirk. “What?” he asks, staring up at me in the darkness.

“I pinned you,” I say. “For ten minutes.” “Fucking snake,” he says, shoving me off him. I grab my skirt and slide over the console into the front seat, putting some distance between us before I pull on my clothes. “I told you I wasn’t done fighting,” I say. “I won't give up, August. It’s not in my blood.” “You’ll never be a Swan,” he says, pulling up his slacks and swinging down out of the truck. “Swans have class.” He slams the door and walks away, but I’m smiling when I turn the key. I completed the first challenge. Whether he wants to admit it or not, I did. Maybe I had to use some different tricks than the guys he’s used to initiating, but I still did it. And I’m going to keep passing all the tests until he has no choice but to let me join. If Mr. D thinks that’s where the secrets are, then he should be happy enough with my progress to let me keep my scholarship through whatever hazing period the society has. Now I just have to figure out what the next challenge is and hope I survive it.

[kindred-spirit-93]

*succinct & eloquent opening line. maybe a clever joke or quote* :D

do you ever sit there and contemplate your life choices after like a certain experience or a talk with a loved one?

do you ever come across a quote or a piece that seems like it was written for you in this particular moment in time? an anecdote that mirrors your current situation perhaps?

well im currently going through it & after a double whammy of mama lore TM during some resurfacing anxious & assorted crises, i dont even know what im going through anymore. but we shared a really sweet heart to heart and reminisced over good and less good times aw!

i am reminded that there is still much to life, light to be sought and found, good times yet to be had. its bittersweet. its mature. its scary? its like coming to terms with your mortality but on a smaller scale. or bigger whos to say...

i wont be venting anything, i think for now at least im content to vague post lmao. also my dad bought me some stress eating treats so i might need to go wallow in my feels for a bit

after i jinxed myself by saying im going on hiatus but failing to stay off the website lol (i had moot withdrawl symptoms sue me), i wont be repeating the same mistake, but with context clues i trust u can see where im going with this

it might sound presumptious to state so confidently that this next month of my life will be the hardest in my career, especially since im not even half way there yet, but the truth of the matter is that it is.

ive been struggling for well over a year now (mostly academically) and im both succeeding in places i didnt before (alhamdulillah!) but failing in the exact same places elsewhere. guys i may have anxiety lol

self fulfilling prophecies, nocebo effect, whatever it is & regardless of what you want to call it, its rough. its hard. im tired. theres still so much left and im tired. i shouldnt be this tired. or this empty. or careless. what have i let myself become? why am i punishing myself still?

this coming month will dictate the rest of my future and ill have no one to blame but myself if i let the opportunity slip through my fingers. but if all goes well inshallah i can put this all behind me and start anew so theres that silver lining :D

i kinda lost direction of this post about half an hour ago lol. my point is im going to try harder at balancing several life aspects bc i really cant put it off any more. i need to establish balance because ive been out of the loop for too long now. *shudders in python*

anyways there are plenty of things i have to work on, both in my studies and life, so i have that going for me *party kazoo noises*

id love to grace you all with some wise words or a life lesson or something but i dont have a neat one liner to sum up anything. despite that im writing this because sometimes letting thoughts float in my head isnt enough, i need to articulate and write it out because to let them roam in the vast expanses of my mind under the pretense that i achieved something is frankly silly as it is counterproductive.

a n y w a y , to anyone and everyone reading take care of yourselves and your loved ones. i wish everyone the best in life and in their endeavours. i will probably pop back in every now and again to catch up on messages and make sure everyone is alive and nothing burned down. i will however attempt to exert self control. (key word: attempt)

aight imma head out before i get too emotional or combust with the need to say something stupid like i love you be more unserious XD

[somekindofsentience]

Omori and its parallels with OCD, or my personal connection to this game

SPOILER WARNING: AS USUAL, MAJOR OMORI SPOILERS FOR MOST ENDINGS AND THINGS.

CONTENT WARNING: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM, SUICIDE, SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESS, DEATH, LOSS AND OMORI-TYPICAL CONTENT. I will also be referring to my own intrusive thoughts a lot, so please take caution if it might trigger you to spiral.

DISCLAIMER: I AM BY NO MEANS A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. I am in the process of seeking a diagnosis (we're getting there :) ), but it has been otherwise confirmed by professionals that I experience OCD. This post is about my personal experience with OCD and trauma, and the way I believe these feeling manifest in the game. I don't believe Sunny or Basil experience OCD, but I want to compare my experiences with obsession, compulsions and trauma-related OCD. Other people may have completely different experiences, and those are valid!

You could call this catharsis, some form of healing. Really I'm doing this for myself, which was kind of why I started writing Omori analysis in the first place (???). and im a nerd for this game

Guilt

Guilt has always been one of my biggest hurdles, and it's also a very relevant theme in Omori.

For the longest time, my brain and I have been actively trying to develop compulsions to cope with guilt, and it seems to consistently fail. I've tried singing songs on repeat, extreme self-harm, distraction, avoidance ect, and nothing seems to work. Sure, I've never committed recital day, but even small things can make me feel horrifically guilty, as my intrusive thoughts tell me I'm a horrible person or a liar.

I see this in Sunny, too. For the longest time, his mind has been trying to cope with the guilt, and it chose to delve deep into repression. But no matter how much he represses, the truth is still there, and so that guilt is still there.

The Fear Polaroids in the Omori Route are also a representation of guilt, as is the mirror during the Truth segment, both depicting Sunny has a hideous demon. My intrusive thoughts depict me as a demon, too, doing horrific things to myself and others. The images of mutilated, demonic Sunny capture the... inhumanity that my mind makes me feel.

I get it, Sunny. I don't feel human either.

Mewo's Death as an Intrusive Thought

Cat Dissection is an interesting area of Black Space, in that its immediate relevance to the truth is less obvious. It's also one of the more horrifying ones - on my first playthrough, I was running blind, and I figured you'd have to kill Mewo for the key. You do not. my biggest regret

Mewo is obviously linked to Mari, but at the time, we'd only ever seen this slightly mentioned in the real world photo album. At that point in Black Space, Mewo was closely tied to Sunny and Omori, being an essential part of White Space.

The player can stab themselves to get out, or cut open Mewo and suffer the regret. This room feels very reminiscent of a gruesome intrusive thought that just won't go away, those days where you see yourself murdering all your friends, or violently injuring yourself. Much of Sunny's hallucinations, or creatures like Something, also mimic this kind of thing.

That room has far deeper analysis to dive into, but this is as far as I'll go for this segment.

Compulsive Behaviour - Repetition

Basil is probably the first character that comes to mind when I think of compulsive behaviour. His most iconic line...

This sort of repetitive action is the root of a compulsion - an attempt to relieve anxiety. Whether or not Basil fits the criteria of needing repeat those words otherwise something bad might happen is unknown, but this sort of behaviour is very relatable in my experience.

I have a tendency to not be consciously aware, but others notice that I'll mumble things to myself. Typically this is me trying to talk back to my intrusive thoughts, as far as I know, and trying to confirm to myself that they're wrong. This will often end in asking someone else or doing research to confirm.

By repeating these things, Basil is trying to ward off the reality, which is that everything isn't okay at all, and likely won't be. But the specific framing is future-oriented - he isn't saying that things are okay right now, he's saying that they will be. This could link to my later point about uncertainty.

Avoidance

Not many people talk about avoidance behaviours as a compulsion, which is probably why much of my OCD went unnoticed as a child. You don't really consider mental compulsions, and avoidance can be very easily hidden, especially if you the ability to force yourself through something if you have no other options.

While it's not exactly the same, Sunny's repression of rooms in his house and the shaking head that prevents you from going to particular areas are forms of avoidance. The sliding glass door that leads to the backyard and the piano room are the most notable - it's not repressed, it's there, but Sunny shakes his head every time you interact with it. He can't go in there. He just can't. There's no explanation for the player.

I relate to that. I have strange rules that mean I can't do things. I just can't. There's no real explanation for myself, either, and sometimes I don't even get intrusive thoughts of the consequences, just some insistence that I can't do it. Perhaps this was confusing or frustrating for the player, but I found it incredibly realistic.

Uncertainty and Abandonment Issues

I've heard somewhere that OCD is, ultimately, a fear of uncertainty. As a result of this disorder, combined with trauma, I also have abandonment issues the way Basil does.

Even before the recital day, Basil's abandonment issues are prevalent. He clings to the group with the photo album, preserving his memories. He took photos of the things he didn't want to lose. After the recital day, Basil really did lose everything, and he was broken as a result of that.

I imagine this sort of thing was one of his regular worries, everyone abandoning him, Sunny in particular. And I can relate to that - one of my more common intrusive thoughts is others leaving me after they find out I've done something horrible. It makes you want to shut off from relationships, just to be safe - what if everyone leaves?

I think that 'what if' is what made Basil so attached to Sunny in the present day of the game. He wants to save Sunny, he wants to make things back to the way they were before, but at the same time, there's this uncertainty - Sunny is moving? Sunny is leaving? What will happen? What if everything gets worse?

This wasn't the easiest to write, but thank you for reading.

[sugarandice3]

do you have any advice on writing a allegory?

Sure!! Just promise that you'll take everything I say with a grain of salt. I'm by no means a professional.

So when I want make an allegory of something, I ask myself what the most fundamental aspects of the concept is and then find a way to make those things "physical." A classic example of this is "Pilgrim's Progress." The story is an allegory for a Christian's spiritual journey and we can clearly see various aspects and struggles of our own spiritual lives in the story. The burden the main character carries is original sin, there are obstacles like Vanity Fair and Castle Despair, and there are friends and foes with clear names and behavioral patterns like Worldly Wiseman or Piety. Bunyan broke down the concept of a spiritual journey and made those aspects tangible though characters, places, and plot points.

I'll use an example of my own now. I'm writing a creepypasta story (I know, its cringe and im only a little sorry), and its intended to also serve as an allegory for mental health, like many of them do. One of the main concepts I'm working with is the shame that comes with chronic mental illness. So, the physical representation of that shame is Slenderman. He acts in ways that mirror the how the feeling of shame works in our own minds. He lurks relentlessly, only making an obvious appearance when Keres's emotional state gets bad so that he can make it worse. In addition to this, she can feel the effects of his presence even when she can't see him or he's not close by. He is the physical representation of how shame is always present when you're struggling mentally and will make the situation worse, driving you crazy as you try to somehow get rid of it.

So TL;DR break the concept down into smaller concepts and then find a way to represent those in tangible ways.

(P.S If you're currently working on an allegory and wanna brainstorm, let me know. :D )

[clownsalot]

ok so anyway double first impressions and observations!! idk if ill be repeating any points other people have already brought up since im typing this without having looked through the milgram tag. and this probably won't be all that organized despite my attempt of neatening it up but ah well. i tried grouping my observations by point at least, but they're not in an order that follows the sequence of the mv.

also id like to preface this that firstly a) i don't have any personal experience with DID whether it be in myself or with people i know so please be patient with me if i say something wrong and b) for now please assume im going with the 2koto theory? not because i dont believe in the trikoto theory but because i haven't really dug that deep into it and so id be bad at spotting evidence of it myself

also im mostly going off of what i see visually in the mv since i haven't gotten to analyzing the lyrics yet

for now im referring to host mikoto and alter mikoto as bokuto and orekoto respectively.

the rest of the post under the cut!!

1. magazine/print(?) texture

the first thing i took note of was the magazine/print(?)(there's definitely a better term for this because just saying 'paper' doesn't fit. someone please help) texture that shows up when the mv kind of fragments. there's a lot of text that shows up like printed letters on a newspaper/print(?) that floats around.

how i find this interesting is actually in contra:st to the magazine texture on cat and the magazine/scrapbook format of this is how to be in love with you:

whereas kazui and mahiru center more on the clean perfect 'advertising' feel of magazines, mikoto's texturing in double feels more like the kind of crinkled old magazines you rip and mess up for collages in primary school.

it's kind of interesting, actually: with kazui and mahiru, it's their portrayals of the idealized romanticized forms of love and romance they're being sold. so with mikoto, is it the shreds of the idealized 9-5 grind he's been sold? since it seems to be implied in double and also one of the shots in undercover that mikoto is pushing himself too far for the sake of his work, and it's well known that the work grind in japan is crushingly brutal and overtime is not only expected but actively encouraged (i may be reaching with this one though? i dunno man).

2. the eye imagery

the next thing i noticed was that double has a lot of eye imagery. it's really interesting because it's like it's carrying over the feeling of surveillance from MeMe by replacing the camera povs that feel like spying on mikoto with more straightforward eyes on him.

what else is interesting to me though is the way the eyes watching mikoto in double contrast with the eyes watching fuuta in backdraft. as far as i can tell mikoto and fuuta are the only ones in milgram with eye imagery? but there's a difference in that while fuuta's eyes are disturbing partly because of the fact that they're semirealistic, mikoto's in contrast are a lot more abstracted in comparison. i wonder what exactly the eyes in double are supposed ro represent, since fuuta's are meant to represent judgement. given the stylistic differences between them im really curious as to what the similarities and differences would be between how they both view being watched? i can't come up with anything concrete at the moment though.

3. across the train carriage

i think throughout double there's a kind of shot composition/framing that shows up a few times, and it's that orekoto and bokuto seem to be across the train carriage from each other.

in the first image, it looks like bokuto is being reflected in the window behind orekoto, meaning he'd have to be sitting across from him in the train carriage. in the second, an identical pair of hands are overlapping orekoto's image, and since i doubt there'd be a mirror cutting right through the middle of the carriage in front of the doors, it'd have to mean that they're mirroring each other's actions from across the train carriage.

(you'll have to forgive me for it being in still images, i wish i could get it in motion but i am. not a gif maker. it's at roughly 2:16 though for anyone who needs it)

it also shows up in this scene which i like a lot!!! where the camera starts from a mikoto leaning haggardly against the train door looking at something behind the camera, who im assuming to be bokuto, before it pans up towards the ceiling and down again to the mikoto holding onto the bloody bat, who im assuming to be orekoto.

the Across the Train Carriage framing is really really really cool in and of itself and i love it!! but that panning shot has me rolling it's so good and i love it so much. the way it pans back down to orekoto so he's upside down makes it so disorienting and difficult to process especially with the scribbly effects over it. this could be reflective of how bokuto feels about this whole thing himself, but i donthave much of an analysis for this point, i just wanted to point it out because i think the directing of it is really really really damn cool

4. phone call home

yea i don't have an analysis for this part either, i also just find this sequence of events really really cool. just—the calmness of the phone call over the flashes of orekoto violently 'taking care of' the things troubling them!!!! it's the juxtaposition of the mikoto who calmly tells his mom that everything is alright and he's fine vs the mikoto that takes care of things for him that allows that kind of calmness to exist in the first place. it tickles my brain

although there is the thing of: if people are right that the mv visually distinguishes between bokuto and orekoto through the presence of eyebags, it is a little odd that the mikoto on the phone also has eyebags, implying that the him on the phone is also not bokuto. and i don't know what that's supposed to signify, but it's a little interesting to think about.

5. glitching Next Station screens

it's interesting to note that as the mv progresses the screens that show the train route and what the next station is get glitchier and glitchier. do any of the train station names correspond with actual train stations on the japanese train system? do they mean something else? im really curious, but my japanese isn't great and consists of only the 2 duolingo units i did like years ago, so could anyone please give me a hand with translating or point me to someone who has already translated it?

the constant appearances of trains in both MeMe and double is really interesting to me and i wonder what exactly it could be representing or what the significance of it is, especially since mikoto apparently bikes to work and doesn't commute on public transport

anyways, that's about it for all the things i took note of upon watching double the first two times, and i haven't done any especially deep analysis or anything. i haven't touched on all the mannequins either, mostly because im not reslly sure what they're supposed to represent and so don't really have much to say about them.

also hanae natsuki delivers a banger vocal performance once again!! ive never heard him miss in any of the roles ive seen him in, but he once again knocks it out of the park with mikoto. i haven't listened to mikoto's t2 voice drama neoplasma yet, but im sure hanae natsuki did amazing work on that once again, so im really excited to give it a listen!!

as for now though, i think ill have to look at everyone else's analyses of double to understand mikoto better, since even though i love him as a character and i like doing analysis im not as great at theorizing

[james-silenthill]

Why would tmasc Heather work. Just because a woman struggles living up to patriarchal femininity doesn't mean she's trans.

Omg hay haii. How are u I hope ur having a good evening or morning or whatever. I've personally been having some trouble sleeping tbh and I just saw this. And since I'm 100% sure this was asked in good faith and for no other nefarious reason ill answer as casually and as candidly as I can ^_^

Gonna preface that while I have seen the game in its entirety, im personally around 70% done with it on my current run, so whatever evidence I have for a transmasc reading will be lacking. My analysis on heather will be stronger the more times I play and look thru the game for myself. And this is no different than headcannoning characters such as dipper pines or leon kennedy or johnny truant as trans. Sorry to any dipper pines or leon kennedy or johnny truant fans that might see this while sesrching for their most favorite character on the tumblr search bar set to sort by most recent. Without further adieu and unnecessary qualifiers, let me get into it

My current reading with a transmasc heather stems from two main points: how she feels about mirrors, and how people from her past (lives) refer to her as. When observing a mirror (I cannot remember which one and im far to lazy to look for it), she says, "I don't like mirrors. It's almost like there's an unknown world right on the other side. And the person staring at me isn't really me, just an imitator." And idk abt you but that disconnect? That can so easily be read as dysphoria. Personally for years I would avoid Actually looking at my body tbh. It's only super recently that I've been forcing myself to witness myself, and that type of exposure therapy is a whole bag of worms i cant even lie

The second half of this is much more allegorical than literal I must stress. With that qualifier out of the way-- the fact that claudia, alessas childhood friend, cannot recognize heather as her own fully realized being. She is 1. Expected to give birth to something she NEVER wanted and 2. Isnt even being called the right name while she's being used as an incubator! Allegorically trans as fuck (to meeee to meeeee. Imagine my hands are up in the air as a sort of defensive precaution)

Oh and this is just me being pedantic but, whether or not heather is cisfem or transmasc-- literally or metaphorically-- she wouldnt be a woman imo. She's 17 she's a girl at best tbh. Anyways im exhausted im not proofreading and I'm gonna self indulgently think abt transmasc heather while I try to nap. Have a good one! Peace and love

[nahalism]

Hiiii! I wanted to ask you about something for a long time. Do you think true healing comes from our own hands? I know you have some good knowledge on trauma so i am more confident asking you this question. Sometimes i believe we are our own biggest healer, most knowledgeable doctor because we are INSIDE us, we know everything (or mostly everything lol) about ourselves so technically we should be most equipped to help ourselves but then i wonder if we can be fully objective with ourselves or objective enough to untangle all that needs help, tending, being looked at and an external person will never truly hear, see what we and only we can. Or maybe we need another to guide us because there is only so much we can do alone and maybe we ARE actually not able to see some parts that are either hidden or blurted maybe some things are beyond when we are…hurt inside bad enough. What are your thoughts and feelings about this, dear? Now asking “what do you think” made me realize that the way i see you i think you’re pretty much always speaking from a place that had “think” and “feel” intertwined. It’s what i am getting whenever i am met with your energy here.

I hope you feel fabulous today🤍

hey angelll <3. ill start by saying, i feel like no man is an island but we must all learn to become one to truly mature and be of service. we are all dependent on things and people external to ourselves, but the true mark of maturation is learning to carry ones own load. not out of scorn, greed or a need for separation due to individuation, but in order to be one who can provide for others, whether that be refuge or resource. in giving we help others stand, yet without the self determination to take your own steps, that learning is in vain. so the answer is both. we need others but ultimately we must do the work ourselves.

that metaphor explains my feelings on symbiosis at large but to answer u directly, i feel the boundary between what demarcates self and other is very nebulous. as much as i believe we have all the tools within us to learn, understand, and transmute what we are into what we want to be, i also believe that our perception of the world external to us is a huge indicator of whats going on internally. as such the people we meet and our interactions with those beings/spaces we encounter them in, are often mirrors that reflect ourselves back to us, or!! are huge indicators of what we can still learn or ways that we need to develop and grow. whether that individual shows us everything we are, or everything we are not, they are still teaching us and deepening our capacity for self awareness (& the key to growing is to first be aware). i do also believe that all living things are one in essence, & as such theres no real difference between me and other, but since thats down to personal belief ill leave that there. what i will say is 'only a fool knows everything' and so if ever you catch yourself feeling or thinking someone has nothing to teach you, thats usually where the lesson is beginning. — sometimes others see our blindspots and can help us get to where we want to go faster than we can alone. but that isnt always the case because not everyone has the level of discernment and foresight to take you to the spaces you see for yourself. the best thing ive found is to listen to everything, & then apply what resonates.

re: the link between thinking & feeling, allll emotions have their root in a thought. if you think something, consciously or subconsciously, the energy of that emotion then translates beyond those neurological pathways into the physical body where we felt them somatically or as emotions. however theres a difference between emotion, the minds intelligence and the hearts intelligence. the heart knows only truth. i try to lead with my heart, but i know there are many times (mainly where fear or hopelessness is present) that im falling short. all i can hope to do in those instances is hold myself and try again lol.

theres so much love in this & trust for me which is heart warming fr. sending u love. hope this helped <3333333