#and then i discovered that experimenting on you psychologically and trying to force you to break character

[ktzart]

stop blushing i fucking hate your fake ass.

(pot gets into altercation with kettle, more at 8)

[house-of-evenmoor]

la danse macabre

Hello everyone! I am Meg (she/her) and I am the author of The House of Evenmoor.

The House of Evenmoor is a work-in-progress interactive CYOA novel with mystery, horror, and psychological thriller/horror themes.

It is inspired greatly by the "classic" gothic literature of Edgar Allan Poe, Mary Shelley, Bram Stoker, and H.P. Lovecraft, among others, as well as media such as Crimson Peak.

Please note that this story may contain certain elements, storylines, events, and topics that may be triggering to some readers. Reader discretion is advised. A full list will be available before reading.

Rated 18+ for language, death, murder, gore, etc.

You play an amnesiac who wakes up to find themselves locked in an 18th century manor belonging to the mysterious Evenmoor family. You find that there are 11 other people who are in the same situation you find yourself in. You remember nothing about yourself, except for a name, which you take on as your own.

With little to no memory between all of you and an excruciating headache that occurs when you try to remember, you all try to search around the house to find an exit. The doors and windows are all bolted shut and the glass panes are unbreakable. Outside is a thick wall of dense fog. You're not even able to tell if it's night or day, much less where you are.

As you investigate around the house, you start to uncover clues that reveal the real secrets behind the house and the Evenmoors. But it's not that simple as you and your companions are being actively hunted by a strange supernatural force and entity. As members of your group are picked off, more of the manor is slowly revealed and, while being investigated, more pieces of lost memories come back to you and others, as well as the knowledge of how to potentially leave the manor.

Will you be able to escape with your group unscathed and with your memories or will you become yet another permanent member of the House of Evenmoor?

Play as a male or female. Choose to be straight, gay, bisexual, or even asexual.

Customize your character including your name, appearance, and personality.

Romance 1 of 6 options or none at all.

Bond with the 11 other people trapped in the house with you and find out their stories.

Investigate the mysterious Evenmoor House. Uncover long lost clues and dark secrets.

Discover your long-lost memories and who you are.

Avoid catching the attention of the mysterious supernatural force or the strange entities that reside within the house.

Figure out the truth behind the Evermoors and their strange house.

Main Character - The Amnesiac Truthseeker (he/him) or (she/her)

This is you. You are 25 years old. You remember the least amount of your life before this. You are determined to uncover the truth of the manor and escape. You awake in and are staying in Room Number 6.

Jasper - The Reflective Guardian (he/him)

Jasper is the stoic and brooding person of the group. He is independent and has the tendency to go off and investigate on his own or go into something before everyone else. He often breaks up arguments in the house and seems to have combat experience. He is 27 years old. He is staying in Room Number 1. Romance Option

Vina - The Sensitive Overseer (she/her)

Vina is the caring and motherly person of the group. She doesn't like discord in the group and will leave the room if arguments start. She appears to have experience with medicine and patching up injuries. She is also particularly sensitive to different energies. She is 28 years old. She is staying in Room Number 2.

Edmund - The Aspiring Detective (he/him)

Edmund is the sometimes-bumbling but eager-to-help person of the group. He likes to think himself as a detective and is a bit too excited to search for clues. Despite his conflicting personality, he is actually rather observant and is an adept investigator. He is 26 years old. He is staying in Room Number 3. Romance Option

Beatrice - The Lovelorn Poet (she/her)

Beatrice is the melancholic and pessimistic person of the group. She has the tendency to view things through rose-colored glasses. She spends most of her time in the library or conservatory, composing her poems about heartbreak. She is 27 years old. She is staying in Room Number 4. Romance Option

Hugo - The Obstinate Maverick (he/him)

Hugo is the irritable and instigating person of the group. He is a realist and often picks fights due to his negative views. He prefers to be alone and generally always has a bad attitude. He isn't very helpful either. He appears to be pretty decent with fixing things, though. He is 25 years old. He is staying in Room Number 5.

Laurel - The Enigmatic Huntress (she/her)

Laurel is the surprisingly cheerful and bubbly person in the group. She is very open about what she remembers and what she doesn't. She's also a very friendly person, in general. She appears to have a decent amount of general knowledge. She is 24 years old. She is staying in Room Number 7. Romance Option

Alden - The Fateful Author (they/them)

Alden is the quiet but quick-witted person of the group. They don't speak much, but are happy to assist. They have a journal that they use to take notes in while they're researching. They're also usually found in the library. They are 29 years old. They are staying in Room Number 8.

Ian - The Expert Weaver (he/him)

Ian is the unspoken but de facto leader of the group. He is calm and level-headed. He does his best to keep everyone alive and well. He tends to spend his time near Vina. He appears to have decent experience with textiles and related subjects. He is 30 years old. He is staying in Room Number 9.

Willa - The Skeptic Historian (she/her)

Willa is the resident skeptic of the group. She is very book smart and has a pretty hard time believing in the stranger experiences in the group. She is very honest and is perhaps a bit too blunt. She tends to get into arguments too. She is 25 years old. She is staying in Room Number 10. Romance Option.

Pearl - The Romantic Heiress (she/her)

Pearl is the youngest person in the group and it shows. She's very idealistic and hopeful. She doesn't have many relevant skills or experience and is rather impulsive. She's also very open with what she remembers from before. She is 21 years old. She is staying in Room Number 11.

Cecill - The Tortured Artist (they/them)

Cecill is the prickly and cold person in the group. They're dramatic and aren't very helpful around the house. They spend a surprising amount of time with Beatrice. They also seem to have some kind of connection to the supernatural energies. They are 24 years old. They are staying in Room Number 12. Romance Option

[cultkinkcoven]

Happy Venus day!!! ✴️

Very often I get the question from atheists and sceptics that’s like “what if Lucifer isn’t real? What if he’s just a voice in your head and you’re going crazy? Don’t you ever get nervous that he’s not really there?”

and to be honest it is a fair question, even though it’s usually asked with poor intentions.

My answer to that question would be no, I don’t worry about it, but I’ve definitely thought about it. I think anyone who works with any deities should think about it. Being vigilant and aware of our mental health is one of the most important things to consider as a practitioner. And as someone with close family members who have schizophrenia, I’ve taken the time to do extensive research about hallucinations and dissociative identity disorders. I grew up in a neglectful household and could very well have some mental condition I don’t know about. Considering these things doesn’t scare me, I don’t have any negative stigma towards those with mental health conditions like psychosis. If I truly had DID or something of the sort, I wouldn’t feel betrayed or foolish. I would just know that my brain works somewhat differently and that’s okay. I hate this attitude of “hey are you sure you’re not crazy?” because even if I did have some sort of disorder, I still wouldn’t be crazy. People with disorders are not crazy.

I don’t have hallucinations regularly, but I have experienced them before, so I at least know what warning signs to look out for in my own psychology. For the most part, fantastical experiences or conversations don’t happen in the mundane. I have to put a lot of focus and effort into channeling to have these deities. Lucifer is always with me, but I can’t always see him. If I send him away, he leaves.

In a situation where I discovered that Lucifer really was some kind of dissociative identity or hallucination, it wouldn’t be some life ruining revelation to me. In fact I don’t think it would change all that much. Lucifer’s presence has always been a positive one. He’s never given me paranoid thoughts or encouraged harmful behaviours. If he really was just a voice in my head, we’ll damn, he’s the nicest and wisest voice ever. If it’s really all just me, wow. I’m fucking amazing. How I managed to provide myself with this much guidance and advice is crazy.

and I think that’s the bottom line. Lucifer doesn’t cause me any harm, working with and worshiping him doesn’t bring any negativity into my life, and I he actively encourages me to be healthy and happy. So even if he wasn’t real, I’d still feel comfortable worshiping him. I’d probably still carry on much the same, because he’s only been good to me.

Lucifer is just as much a part of me as any of my spirit guides are. The Lucifer I interact with is a direct reflection of my psychology, my own understandings inform how he appears to me. To converse with him is also to converse with myself.

My work with one of my very first spiritual guides, Archangel Jophiel, was cantered a lot around dissecting and dismembering my scepticism. He really did make me feel crazy, and he forced me to confront my fear of being delusional. If I’m constantly paranoid that none of this is real, every single time I experience something fantastical in my deliberate searching and witchcraft, I would always run away and call myself crazy. At some point I had to accept what I was experiencing and make decisions based on that acceptance.

I just saw something really fucking crazy from Lucifer, I can either spend the rest of my life constantly trying to prove he’s real or fake, or I can just take the experience, decide and keep what’s valuable and leave the rest to speculation.

I say that I’m theistic because my experiences have lead me to believe that these energies really are alive. I do believe that Lucifer exists in reality as an energy and entity, I do believe he’s a real deity and that I’m reaching out to someone other than myself when I work with him. But I don’t know any of this, I just believe so. And I don’t need to know (and I couldn’t know because it’s not provable) because it doesn’t change my everyday reality either way. Living for Lucifer is a philosophy and state of mind. Whether or not the Morning Star hears me, I’ll still praise him, because I just think he’s that awesome. I’ve been lucky enough to get a response, but I cannot prove that to anyone else, and I don’t really care to.

But in ether scenario, I still win. Either I am actually working with him and he loves me and treats me well, or I’ve somehow mastered self deification and have the best case of psychosis ever. Either I’m going on astral journeys with my Gods or I have incredible, like truly phenomenal visualization skills. Either I have a wonderful God constantly looking out for me, or I’m just constantly extremely lucky. Either I have a beautiful altar that my Gods enjoy and appreciate, or I have a beautiful collection of trinkets and treasure that makes me happy every time I play with them. Either way, I’m happier and healthier now than I’ve ever been before.

I appreciate atheistic Luciferians and Satanists because they are proof that the underlying principles and practice still works even if they don’t recognize an actual Lucifer in their gnosis.

Tldr, if you think I’m crazy that’s totally okay. I probably am a little bit crazy. The important part is that I’m not hurting myself or others, not glorifying harmful behaviour or neglecting my mental health. Whether or not Lucifer is real doesn’t matter when I know I’m real.

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #70 – Absolution by Jeff Vandermeer

New additions to a series a decade after it concluded don’t have a particularly good track record at living up to the quality of the originals – far too often they just read as commentaries on the series’ fanbase or pop culture reception, and that’s if they escape being a transparent case of giving the fans slop for a quick paycheck. This is even more the case when the originals are a tightly interconnected trilogy with an extremely definitive conclusion.

All to say, I received the news that Jeff Vandermeer was writing a new Southern Reach book with a mixture of excitement and trepidation. Excitement, because Annihilation might actually be one of my favorite works of the 21st century and the whole trilogy holds a deeply and irrationally precious space in my heart. Trepidation because – well everything I just said. Thankfully, this was far more good than bad – not Annihilation, and it didn’t need to be basically as long as the entire original trilogy combined, but absolutely met my expectations of beautifully described cosmic and psychological horror and indecipherable mindfucks in gorgeously uncanny locales.

The book’s a hard one to describe – the plot is twisting and opaque, the narrators thoroughly unreliable – but it’s (not exactly but nearly) a prequel to the original Southern Reach Trilogy, following first events in the Forgotten Coast in the lead-up to the Border falling, and then the very first expedition sent across it into the newly-named Area X in the months after. Though it’s really divided into three-ish parts rather than two – first we get a vivid picture of Old Jim (our first POV) recovering from his life collapsing into a gutter and researching the confused and redacted records of a very Cold War CIA science experiment on the Coast years prior and how it all went horribly wrong, before journeying to the Coast himself in the weeks and days before it becomes Area X to try and discover what happened. Exactly one character from this section also shows up on page in part 3, though the neither the reader nor the new POV is aware of her continuity until quite late in the game. Which is funny, given that despite neither protagonist ever really understanding her, Cass has the most complete character arc of anyone in the whole book.

This is a book very concerned with language and perception – how you can’t trust them, how they can control you, how the right words whispered in your ear can shatter everything you ever were. Language is a parasite that needs a host; the song stuck in your head reinforces the compulsions you don’t even realize you’re obeying. The theme runs thick through the entire book, and shows up more ways than I can count. I did particularly like how it’s specifically the beautiful things – the poetry, music and cryptic little koans, the fields of wildflowers and the awe-inspiring autumn storm – that are the dangers, that might entrap and break you. Even the protagonists’ internal monologues shift as their minds become more and more captured by whatever motive force drives Area X, their descriptions and use of imagery more elevated and poetic as they get further from whatever humanity is.

Not that Area X is the sole source of identity-rupturing and mind-stealing horror, here. Old Jim and Lowry are both agents of Central, the opaque intelligence agency that control the Southern Reach in the original trilogy. Both have been broken and remade by it, their minds stuffed to bursting with hypnotic conditioning and trigger words in case they ever get distracted or prove to be unreliable. Not that anyone seems clear on who they would even be reliable to – the whole agency is addicted to secrecy, its internal factions feuding and sabotaging each other in the shadows, the chain of command a complete mystery to anyone not sitting at the top of it. Just like Area X, it’s never even close to clear whether the things encountered are the outwards signs of some grand and intricate conspiracy, or just the random flailing of a blind idiot god.

Vandermeer has at this point made a very specific aesthetic of horror almost his brand, and it shows up here in spades – the uncanny intersection and overlap of nature and civilization, overgrown ruins and artificial facsimiles or animals, the overwhelming of ordered systems and bureaucratic rationality with the bizarre and inexplicable, the usurpation of body, mind and world by something foreign to it. This is a book whose acknowledgements section is at least half different specific sorts of ecologist or similar experts being thanks for things like ‘detailed information on how a gar would feel in the hands like a rifle,’ and ‘how it would feel to have an alligator gush through the mud around you if you were lying mud-bound in a blackened meadow.’ Which I always find just incredibly endearing (along with the acknowledgement for an idea as being from a literary critique essay of the themes in the original trilogy – which is getting a bit incestuous, but it was a good bit of imagery.)

As always, some parts of this is going to work much better than others – the rabbits with the odd cameras around their necks, placidly digging for and eating crab meat while a flamethrower is unloading on them particularly stuck with me, whereas given the sheer wordcount spent on it I don’t think the Tyrant (or any of the alligators tbh) had nearly the effect on me the book hoped they would.

Overall though, it worked. Vandermeer’s prose is laid on more than a little thick at points, but there are several different bits of imagery or turns of phrase that have stuck with me – that feel downright inspirational to try and make something that can achieve the same effect, even. I do feel like the impact of Area X is weakened by the fact the total absence of really normal seeming people – even before the border falls, we only barely meet a single person not already captured in the whole labyrinth of conspiracies, hypnotism and psychosis – but that is in fact kind of a plot point here, so.

As far as recommendations go – this book is totally incomprehensible if you haven’t read the original trilogy. Also not as good as Annihilation. Go read that and then decide if you want to continue – but the series remains one of the leading examples of 21st century cosmic horror that’s trying to be something besides a riff on Lovecraft.

[theoreticaltranstherian]

I HAVE A THEORY!!!!

Let me preface all of this with this disclaimer:

I am a spiritual alterhuman. I belive I have the soul of a fae, fox, and crow, and they are all one being and that is who I am, all trapped in a human body. I am in no way writing this for purposes of discrediting any experiences including mine or other people's. I am not writing this to invalidate physical, psychological, spiritual, or any other kind of alterhuman, and belive we all have our own experiences. Please, do not attack me, I do not mean this in any way as accepted fact or as an absolute truth, this is a theory I came up with and am going to continue to research, and I don't want anyone to think I am trying to invalidate other experiences. This is based off my experiences, experiences of others I've talked to, and research I've done into human vestigial structures.

I think that the reason that tail shifts are the most common in the community is that the human body we are in has what's called vestigial structures, meaning parts of the body that ancestors needed for survival but we don't use anymore like the appendix, and one of those structures if the tail bone. It's where our primate ancestors would have, obviously, has a tail. Additionally, the phenomenon of "phantom limbs" is a common occurrence in people who have had limbs amputated or just don't have certain limbs. Together, I think it would make sense that, if someone was meant to be or was an animal, their human body would manifest this in the form of feeling what they belive they should have physically in phantom limbs. This could also be part of the reason that canine therians seem to be very common, as even if someone has multiple theriotypes, the tail would be most likely to manifest in phantom limb form, and so it would make discovering a canine theriotype the most common or easy to discover. Another vestigial structure in humans is the outer ear and scalp being able to be wiggled and moved, which is what makes ears that rest on top of a creatures head another very common phantom shift or phantom limb experience. Additionally, with hyperflexibility like I have, there is the ability to shift ones shoulderblades around like you have wings. I would be interested to see what the overlap is between people who have hypermobility in their shoulders or back and people who are winged alterhumans, because the hypermobility in those cases could be caused by some sort of adaptation from the animal form dort of being forced into human shape and stretching the mold a little bit so to speak? I kinda wanna do some more research on this now ngl

(Please reblog for reach, I would be interested in anyone else's thoughts on this!)

[avikats66]

Y’all let’s talk about Stolitz. And by talk I mean I’m going to throw this long and extensive analysis at you. Warning for discussion of miscommunication and dubious consent + self esteem issues and self sabotage (pretty canon stuff) ahead:

Stolas didn't initially realize Blitz’s original intentions when they ended up having sex for that first time. It would have only been after Blitz left and he discovered the grimoire gone that he would have realized Blitz only had sex with him in order to take his grimoire. Except that's not quite entirely true. While Blitz definitely seduced Stolas in order to nab the grimoire, he clearly had the opportunity to dupe Stolas and leave him there after he grabbed it. Instead he decided to actually have the sex which Stolas at the time would have thought he was there for in the first place.

This certainly doesn't mean that Blitz had actually been secretly wanting/planning to have sex with Stolas the whole time - it was obviously an extremely unexpected development for him - but that he did choose to do so without Stolas trying to force or extort him in any way. His exact reasons are not explicitly given but can be inferred with reasonable certainty/likelihood. Here's the scenario: we have Blitz about to make off with the grimoire with Stolas (at least seemingly) none the wiser, when Stolas goes and tells him how happy he is that he's doing this and how much it means to him, at this point still believing Blitz had come for the purpose of initiating a sexual/romantic encounter and being ignorant of his actual intentions having been just to steal the grimoire.

Going off of Blitz’s expression we can see he feels bad here. Like wow, this guy genuinely thinks I came here to make moves on him and he is so happy about that, and here I am in actuality just stealing from him. Since I am doing him wrong by stealing from him, I can do him some right by having the great sex that he thinks is happening right now with him. And remember that at this point Stolas himself isn't leveraging this reasoning over Blitz or using it to bargain with him - he has absolutely no idea what's actually going on, after all. The decision Blitz makes to have sex with Stolas at this time is made entirely by himself without any decision-making on Stolas’s part.

So Blitz is feeling a moral obligation (again, coming from his own conscious and not from Stolas trying to influence or guilt trip him) to have sex with Stolas, and also probably an psychological drive to on the basis of emotions like pity and/or empathy. Like this guy is clearly incredibly lonely and horny and will be devastated if Blitz doesn’t have sex with him as he thinks was his intention the whole time. That knowledge and the emotions that knowledge is is apt to provoke can create the desire to do the deed, even if not for the reasons of pre-established mutual attraction and planned activity which is what’s typically behind most instances of consensual sex.

It’s a very natural/human (technically Blitz is a demon but my point still stands given how demons are portrayed to be just like humans when it comes to emotions/intelligence and the capacity to be good and bad and choose to follow their own individual morals) trait to want to do things not because they directly benefit or please us, but because they will those things for others and that makes us feel good - especially if the said thing we do isn’t explicitly negative or unpleasant for us either, as is the situation here. While Blitz certainly didn’t have any personal plans or desires to have sex with Stolas that night, it didn’t seem like something he was actively opposed to or forcing himself to do either. And sex doesn’t necessarily need to have deep and intimate preexisting emotional connection present to be a positive, consensual, and moral experience either.

Of course, there’s also the other underlying factor regarding Blitz’s decision to have sex with Stolas that night, which is that he felt it might be advantageous or even necessary in order to maintain continued access to the grimoire. Again, at this point it would still have been entirely up to Blitz to decide, but it’s a very important factor to consider, especially moving forward as the relationship between the two continues into what we see in the show.

Sometime after that first night, Stolas becomes aware that Blitz has taken his grimoire. Heck, it’s even possible he figured this out during that first night and chose to let Blitz take it. Whatever the case, we don’t know the exact specifics of what went down, just that in the pilot and first episode we see Stolas talking to Blitz about how he’s not actually not supposed to have the grimoire and that he would like to set up an arrangement where he continues to let Blitz keep/use the grimoire and in return Blitz occasionally has amazing sex with him like he did that night.

This is where the consent starts to get (more) muddy and dubious due to the lack of clear communication and resulting misunderstandings. Going over it from the outside, you’d think at this point Stolas would have come to the conclusion that Blitz didn't have any intention of starting a relationship and was just using him with no genuine feelings for him involved, and thus him leveraging the grimoire over Blitz to continue their relationship is just pure extortion. But I don’t that he did, or that it is.

Rather, while Stolas definitely knows that on some levels, the sex Blitz had with him was a practical/transactional action taken to secure use of the grimoire, I think that he also truly believes that there is genuine mutual attraction and affection and want to continue the relationship present between them, and that Blitz knows/believes this as well. I mean, he certainly didn’t force or even plead with Blitz to have sex with him that first time; that was all Blitz’s choice and apparently he made it really good. I’m doubting that at any point that night, Blitz stopped to sit down and say “hey, you know I’m only doing this so I can steal/use your grimoire and I don’t actually feel any attraction towards you or want to start a relationship,” though.

So it’s really not unreasonable that Stolas believes there is something more between him and Blitz, and thus that he’s not blackmailing Blitz to have sex with him using the grimoire, rather that he is more so just negotiating a fair trade between equals. He’s aware of the power imbalance between them in terms of status and the grimoire in theory, but based on his behaviour in canon I don’t think he realizes (or at least not until later during the show as evidenced by him planning to give the crystal) just how impactful that imbalance really is, or that Blitz might actually feel pressured by it in any real way.

At the same time, Blitz is assuming that Stolas is just using him for sex via the leverage of the grimoire and his much higher levels of societal status/power, and that none of the affection or care he shows Blitz is genuine because Stolas understands that Blitz is only using him for the grimoire in return. That last part actually is true on at least some level: Blitz is definitely using his relationship with Stolas to access the grimoire, but I think he’s lying to himself and letting his perception be warped by his trauma and self esteem issues when he claims that there’s nothing more to it.

While he’s shown at times to be exasperated or not really into/put off by Stolas’s horniness (sometimes more so just for comedic effect), we do see him express genuine enjoyment with and care for Stolas throughout the show. It’s not like we’re talking Achilles/Patroclus levels here, but, there is something there on Blitz’s side too. I think the reason Blitz seems unable to properly wrap his head around the fact that Stolas actually genuinely cares for and likes him and that he could actually allow himself to reciprocate those feelings and actions is not just the whole miscommunication thing they’ve got going on as detailed above, but also that Blitz has deep-rooted issues with intimacy and self-esteem.

Blitz has such a low and troubled sense of self worth that he cant seem to fully accept or believe that Stolas would actually care for or like him in any meaningful way for real - especially when combined with the whole grimoire misunderstanding going on and the guilt he likely feels over it in at least some aspects, which is largely why he first had sex with Stolas in the first place. He also definitely seems the type to sabotage his own relationships - likely both on a conscious and unconscious level - due to these feelings of self hate and low worth (I personally believe he did that with Verosika and it was one of the biggest reasons for their breakup and current animosity towards each other) which I have inferred him to have based on canon such as the hallucination he has in Truthseekers).

So Blitz thinks that Stolas thinks that they both know their relationship is just a transaction, a transaction where Stolas definitely has more power, and thus Stolas doesn’t actually care for Blitz or what he wants. That Stolas might sell him out or punish him if he started backing down from their relationship or going too much against or refusing whatever sexual desires Stolas expresses by reporting him to officials or refusing use of the grimoire. And Stolas doesn’t realize that Blitzø thinks this, being himself under the impression that Blitz knows that Stolas does actually care for him and doesn’t want/mean to extort or force him into things he truly doesn’t want with him.

I just want to go over something here now: It’s normal for partners to sometimes do certain things with sex that one party doesn’t particularly enjoy for themselves but chooses to do because they don’t find it overly or particularly unpleasant or unbearable so they want to do it or don’t mind doing it in order to please and give enjoyment to their partner (which in itself can give enjoyment back as I’ve mentioned earlier). As long as there’s clear communication and the ability to set boundaries this is completely normal and fine.

The thing is, we’ve just gone over exactly why there’s a lot of misunderstandings, assumptions, and lack of clear communication going on between Blitz and Stolas. Blitz might possibly be feeling obligated or pressured into having sex with Stolas whenever and however asked due to the grimoire and his knowledge that Stolas could potentially deny him access to it and force him to choose between having sex with him how and when he likes or not having the grimoire (just because someone is okay with/has enjoyed sex with someone in the past does not mean that it’s okay if they are pressured/coerced or forced into having more sex with that same person again when they do not want to) whereas Stolas mistakenly assumes that Blitz knows he wouldn’t try to force or coerce him into sex that he wasn’t ultimately okay with having by using the grimoire as leverage - or any other method - because he doesn’t understand Blitz’s issues with believing/accepting Stolas’s care/affection or fully understand the reality of their power imbalance for himself.

It’s not until Ozzie’s that Stolas really gets that slap-in-the-face wake-up call, but based off the music video and the act of giving Blitz the crystal we can see how genuine and serious he is about this - plus how much he truly loves and cares for Blitz. I could definitely go on about that too, but I think that’s another post!

[nullusreimorio]

AWAWA. WAIT- TELL ME MORE ABOUT RAVEN <- Weak for women with those sharp eyes that make you wanna kneel 🧎‍♀️

(Seen her for a while in your blog but never asked cuz I forgor 😭 SHE LOOKS SO COOL AND BEAUTIFUL TOO)

AAAAA MOTH MY DEAREST I WILL TELL YOU WHATEVER I CAN ABOUT HER

She's my first DoL serious PC! But her name actually originates from my time playing/reading interactive fictions, using Raven as my self insert most of the time with black hair and golden eyes

In my DoL lore, Raven isn't really human (not even sure if she's mortal) anymore. After the Hookah Parlor events, something happened within her. She isn't the same as when she started her journey anymore.

After discovering most things, she decided that she couldn't do everything herself, wanting to pass time with her husband and settle down. Thus, created a star, a sun and a black hole (Astra, Elios and Vide), the twins going out of their way to explore the divine transformations and the LI she wasn't interested in at all, while Vide went to explore places like the UG Farm and the Asylum, thirsting over other LI Raven didn't care to try

Out of her four children, her adopted one is her favourite as fellow orphans

She has a nice relationship with the tentacles and has a neutral-positive relationship with Ivory Wrath

She still has a Whitney's Property tattoo, on her lower back, but won't go out of her way to make Whitney happy or meet him at all. She found her peace, after all

After the DoL experience, Raven became my favourite fandom oc, so I extracted her from it and put her next to my other favourite red child, Nar

I'm planning a DnD campaign where she will be a villain together with Hydra (aka my persona) and Nar

She's a hermaphrodite, she is hiding a nice surprise under the skirt

She is attracted to all genders equally, and is very much a hedonist and seeker of pleasure, but after the Parlor events, became more numb to genuine love feelings, almost apathetic

This made her cling to GH, who has shown to her only respect and genuine love since she accepted his courting. That love is all hers, no need to share it or be afraid of others forcing you to share your love and body. Just her, him, their children and the Tower.

She's on the more dominating side of the SD spectrum

She doesn't usually hide her TF, she is very comfortable in her new skin. She cannot for the life of her mantain a divine TF though, became a demon for just a day and then lost it immediately.

She breaks the fourth wall, self-aware and knows how to go through dimensions. She's basically the Creator's Will, aka my will. She's on CoT too, doing the same thing she did on DoL, aka going for the bully at first and then see where the story brings her.

On CoT, she studies Psychology. But because of my own mistake, there, she is an afab nb person.

She likes chocolate milkshake more than vanilla or strawberry.

She values her friendship with Zephyr and Winter, while she holds immense affection for Darryl

In my DoL Actor Au she is the director, with her creations being her assistants/part of the crew

Nothing else comes to my mind right now, but if you have any questions you know you can ask me without

(gonna @/ you cuz I'm still learning the tumblr way and I'm not sure how it works @mothinabottle )

[tacticalhimbo]

For Toni!!

How long was the process before the character reached its final version? (or a version that would be clearly recognizable as the character?)

What is an aspect of their appearance that you like the most?

What is your general favourite thing about the character? What is your least favourite?

tysm for asking!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺

i rambled a LOT so placing this beneath a cut JFLKAJFALSJFLSF

How long was the process before the character reached its final version? (or a version that would be clearly recognizable as the character?)

honestly? within the past year or two. and i think? i picked up gr:breakpoint in 2022 so it's been a few years! several playthroughs of both games (wildlands being the prequel) and discovering new dialogs/missions/choices has really changed the way toni's been characterized.

and with adding the whole angle of toni trans canon(tm) i added in last year… there's still a lot of characterization i want to tweak! especially since that whole plotpoint happens after the events of breakpoint (which i'm still on the fence of exactly when; do i count episode 1 where walker dies? does it happen after trey stone dies in episode 3? am i including the r6s dlc? who knows!)

but the core of toni's character has been molded within the past year or two / over the course of 2/3 years!

What is an aspect of their appearance that you like the most?

toni's face, and more specifically: the scarring.

speaking about toni's face in general, i just adore how average of a character you can make using the options available. i'm always in love with character creators that let you make like… non-airbrushed models. and all the rugged textures and discoloration and wrinkling… toni looks exhausted and older and that's the whole point!! toni's pushing 50 and has the weight of the world on her back, there is no way he's going to look like he just walked out of a commercial shoot.

and beyond that, honing in on the facial scarring… i love the texture. i love how it frames her features. i also just love visible scarring on characters because 1) representation and 2) it really does well to tell a story. it's a visible point of a period in toni's life that came with a lot of shit, and it resulted in a lot of complicated feelings.

What is your general favourite thing about the character? What is your least favourite?

favorite thing: her complexity. the way toni views the world is… quite different to how i view it. all in terms of experience, narrative, and general politics (lest we forget ghost recon is a tom clancy game). and so it's really fun to research things to really try to hone in and understand what her psychology is. but then again that's my favorite thing about writing/developing any character, so maybe i'm biased JFKLDAJFLSDJFKLASJF

least favorite thing: this is a rough one.. i think politics aside (see: above), my least favorite thing has to be how much of a brain worm character they are. definitely more of a lighthearted/joke answer, but seriously! every media i get into or circle back to, i think of how toni would fit in there. like. i've been watching house md. and i've started thinking about a side plot where toni is a 'jane doe' patient (similar to that air force pilot) because the show does take place around when toni gets the injuries that cause the facial scarring and result in him having to undergo pt. or another recent-ish one-- far cry 6 au where toni ends up being a cia contact that comes in courtesy of juan (in place of willis since, he does not make an appearance again 😔; can't have old men yaoi so we get an old man and his fucked up little gremlin instead)

[st4rnikka]

I'm feeling evil so here I am talking about a very fucked up idea of an Sonic au that I had recently (been in my mind for some time tbh)

Trigger Warning: Implied SA, torture, burning, cannibalism, death(not of major characters), psychological torture, depression, PTSD, disassociation and hallucinations (all mentioneds.)

If you feel uncomfortable about this au after the warnings, don't read!

Traumatized/Dying inside Sonic au✨️

Keep in mind that this is an alternative universe, it will be different from canon :P

Anyway back to this idea of mine, basically in this Sonic is traumatized as hell. But it didn't just happen outta nowhere, all his trauma was developed in his adventure's and the bad guys he confronted in them.

As we know he was very young when he started going on adventures and things like that, and it's not old storie that children should never go alone outside because of people with bad intentions :(

Sonic first trauma would be of seeing people dying, very graphics deaths, he would be traumatized by this and try everything in his power to avoid seeing people die again (in this au Sonic would be well versed in medicine and be very good at first aid)

Some years pass and he's 11, he ends up captured (not by eggman) and bad things happen these being torture. Luckily he is able to escape after 3 weeks and does in fact sending the bad guys to prison, he ends up with some scars from the torture he suffered but they disappear completely because of the chaos emeralds.

Sonic never forgot the torture he suffered and although the scars are gone he still feels them there. (Soul scars lol)

1 year passes he's 12 and met Tails and he instantly adopted him as his lil brother, he takes care of him and does his best to not have Tails be traumatized like he was. One day while away Sonic is unlucky during an adventure and encounters a bad person, he knew was bad news and tried to get away, he was weak and once it was over he didn't waste time and that was one of his biggest traumas, when he came back Tails noticed the silence but Sonic didn't want to talk about it. He sees the blood on his hands but doesn't care, he deserved to die, if he continued living he would do the same thing he did to him to another inocent child, Sonic never talked about this with no one and refuses to do so; he's still acting like his usual happy self but in the dead of night or when he's alone he just curls into a ball and cries himself to sleep.

Another year passes and Sonic is 13, an accident happens, he feels himself burning and Sonic is honestly surprised he even survived. He was in a disgusting state and refused everytime Tails tried to visit him, this was for his own good it was enough luck Tails wasn't present to hear him scream in agony and be traumatized with him being literally burned alive. After healing enough to be able to run again, Sonic still didn't let Tails see him, he searched for the chaos emeralds and once he looked completely normal with no burning scars he let Tails see him; Tails found strange Sonic didn't have burn scars nor anything, Sonic just laughed.

Another year and Sonic is 14, another bad thing happens to him and he is captured by bad guys once again, he is tortured and forced to eat strange food, when he escapes after 1 week he discovers that what he was eating was mobian flesh and things like that; he throws up and spends a long amount of time having problems to eat, he refuses to talk about it with Tails and does his best not to worry his little brother (Tails never knew about any of Sonics traumas and how actually bad it was)

Sonic is 15, he ends up being captured by Eggman and being psychologically tortured by Infinite, in these tortures he is hurt by his friends multiples times and he ends up forgetting what is reality and what is not. When he is rescued he tries his best not to tense up when any of his friends gets too close or hug him, lucky he is capable of hiding this after some bad experiences and keeps being unserious and doing his own things.

Now he is 16, still suffering with his traumas, he has sometimes hallucinations of his friends attacking him or simply them dying lucky these are disappearing, he also is not on good terms with fire and still has PSTD about it and also physical touch and his own appearance in the mirror (he feels dirty since he was 12, he doesn't feel guilty with what he's done, he just cannot forget where those hands touched him and he feels disgusted). There's times where Sonic would just disappear for an entire day, Tails doesn't worry too much but everytime Sonic returns his eyes look dull and he is tired, and others time Sonic just suddenly disconnects from reality and gets quiet for 12-16 minutes (it happens from time to day y'know? His disassociation is the only thing he can't hide from others) Sonic has problems to eat or take care of himself, he tries his best and sometimes his friends call him lazy for not doing nothing all day but it's not their fault after all Sonic did build a reputation of being laid back, always running around and going to adventures and just sleeping around whenever he felt like it. Tails was the only one aware of his diagnostic and always reminded Sonic to take his antidepressants and his appointments to the therapist even though he didn't have the full picture of how he ended up being like this.

Sonic is the therapist friend that keeps his own suffering to himself but also the one friend that is always smiling, joking and doing silly things. No his friends aren't bad in this au or anything and no Sonic isn't a bad brother nor is Tails not bringing Sonic's traumas up, he tries to make him talk about it but Sonic just isn't ready; Tails wished his brother would confide in him to talk about his suffering but knows that if he is hiding it is because it's really bad (he is only aware of Sonic first trauma) and he would not react well. None of Sonic's friends are truly aware of Sonics mental conditions nor of the little gestures and things he does as coping mechanism (you need to REALLY observe his movements, gestures and habits to notice sometimes) he also can get a bit overwhelmed in crowded places but nothing he can handle with jokes ;)

No Shadow is not aware and guess what, he talks to Sonic about his trauma they're rivals that are also friends sometimes they get along and sometimes they don't.

Btw most of Sonic's traumas wasn't even caused by Eggman, only 1 of them and the guy wasn't even the one doing it but Infinite, all he did was imprison Sonic (He is kinda silly in this au tbh and actually a nice villain, he kind of saw Sonic grow and does see him a little bit like a annoying little brother or his child in some weird yet funny way, he for real was the one cooking his meals while he was imprisoned LMAO)

Sorry for the big aah text and grammatical errors😅. That's it for now, see ya later😋✨️!

[earthling-wolf]

What D&D Alignment is Jenna Begay from Echo?

if you don't know the details of this project, check here

What D&D Alignment are the characters in Echo?

Jenna is a kit fox currently working on a degree in Psychology, and the only female romance option in the game, she is mostly self-serving but also happy to help those she sees as friends, she's very self-disciplined but has prankster tendencies, I give her the starting alignment of TRUE NEUTRAL

PROLOGUE

"Jenna arrives in Echo alongside Chase and TJ and reunites with the rest of their friends. She accompanies the group to Southwest Adventures on Sunday, where she splits off with Leo and Flynn to enjoy the rides. Later on, she and Leo compete at various carnival games, all of which she triumphs in by putting her experience at the state fair to use. During this time, Chase may either explain that he is bisexual or allow her to go on believing that he is gay, which affects their interactions on her route later on. Jenna also encourages Leo and Chase to talk about their relationship rather than letting it hang over the group for the rest of their trip."

NEUTRAL GOOD for the bonding, LAWFUL EVIL for the carnival games since as she reveals at the end of her route this and her getting with Chase later on her route were motivated by a desire to rile up Leo and she used Chase as a prop in the process, CHAOTIC GOOD for forcing Chase and Leo to clear the air

"When Flynn snaps at the group on Monday, Jenna goes after Leo in an attempt to calm him down. If Chase chooses to follow them, he will find her unsuccessfully trying to reason with him before storming off and encouraging Chase to give it a shot."

NEUTRAL GOOD

JENNA'S ROUTE

"If Chase decides to stay with Jenna rather than talk to Leo, they track down TJ and manage to cheer him up somewhat. They then promise to go hiking with him the next day. During the hike, Jenna discusses her family and plans with Chase, as well as her childhood experiences with her "guardian angel." Afterward, the three visit the diner and are joined by Leo, who informs them of his plans to hold a party for Carl's birthday."

NEUTRAL GOOD

"On Wednesday Jenna accompanies the group to the mall in search of presents for Carl, during which she may lightly flirt with Chase if he told her he is bisexual. Jenna scolds Leo for his advances toward Chase and embarrasses him once again by winning a prize for Carl's birthday from a claw machine he had been struggling with. The group then heads to Carl's house for the party, with Jenna being boosted through the window by Chase to let the rest of the group in when the ram does not answer. Shortly after, the group realizes Carl is missing and Jenna discovers his phone with a photo of a mysterious creature on it."

NEUTRAL GOOD for the gift, LAWFUL EVIL for humiliating Leo for the reasons stated above, CHAOTIC GOOD for breaking into Carl's house

"Jenna takes charge during the search for Carl, immediately informing his parents and the police of the situation and working with the others to coordinate search efforts. Jenna stays at the mansion as a sort of "home base" for the rest of the day, eventually going out to search by herself very early the next morning. She is accompanied by Chase as the pair go to talk to Duke. Along the way, she tells Chase about her grandmother and shares her thoughts on Leo's recent behavior as well as Echo itself, to which Chase can respond in more positive or negative ways. Afterward, the pair return to the mansion, where they have sex if Chase has told her he is bisexual."

LAWFUL GOOD for the search efforts, NEUTRAL GOOD for bonding

"Later that day, Jenna goes with Flynn and Chase to talk to Jeremy and his friends, encountering Heather in the process. Depending on Chase's interactions with her the previous night, she may either confront Heather about their shared past or choose to move past it. Regardless, after hearing Jeremy's story the group heads back to the hotel for the night, where Chase shares a bed with her (potentially in a romantic manner). That night, she dreams about her grandma as a noble knight who chooses to spare a baby dragon rather than kill it."

regarding the different ways she treats Heather in the bad and good ends, CHAOTIC EVIL and LAWFUL GOOD respectively

"After getting breakfast Jenna returns to the hotel to help Chase apply first aid to an injured Leo, where she and the wolf argue about her manipulative behavior before the appearance of a shadowy version of Chase. Immediately after, the three find themselves attacked and abducted by Brian. She is chained to a radiator in the bear's trailer and forced to watch as Duke interrogates Chase, Carl (who has been held in the trailer throughout the week) is taken away by Jeremy and Clint, while Micha, Chase, and Leo are tortured by Brian. The group is saved by the timely appearance of Jenna's "guardian angel," who seemingly kills Brian and frees Micha."

2x NEUTRAL GOOD for applying first aid to Leo

"After escaping the trailer, the group comes across a mysterious van that prompts Leo to share his past with Micha. Jenna is disgusted by these revelations and makes it to escape town as soon as possible her main goal. If Chase's responses toward her while walking together on Thursday morning were more negative, her behavior becomes increasingly short-tempered and vengeful, whereas more positive responses lead her to be more patient and accepting (with Sam even comparing her to Cynthia). The group then reunites with Flynn and TJ and enters Heather's house, where they find Carl and a hysteric Heather."

2x NEUTRAL either way

"If Chase has encouraged Jenna's more jaded worldview, she will get Flynn to shoot Heather and harshly condemn the rest of the group. She then splits off on her own after stealing Heather's dam operating guide and drives to the dam, where she opens up the floodgates and floods Echo. On this path, Jenna seems to hear odd voices that inspire her erratic behavior."

2x LAWFUL EVIL for Heather, 2x CHAOTIC EVIL for the dam

"If Chase has been more positive in talking with Jenna however, she (if chosen over Micha) will talk Heather down and encourage the group to follow the cat to the dam to stop her from flooding the town herself. Upon arriving, Jenna manages to reason with Heather regarding the people in her life who do care about her and stops her from opening the floodgates, narrowly saving Heather from her approaching "guardian angel" in the process."

2x NEUTRAL GOOD and 2x LAWFUL GOOD for the first and second confrontations with Heather respectively

"Afterward, Jenna accompanies the group to a diner in Payton where she apologizes and admits to her manipulation of others and promises to strive toward being a better and more self-aware friend, starting by taking a gap year to reconcile with her own biases before departing for Weston. If Chase has engaged in a romantic relationship with her, she will further apologize for using him to hurt Leo and encourage him to ask her out genuinely later on. She then asks a supposedly unpossessed Chase to pick a song on the jukebox as the route ends."

LAWFUL GOOD

CARL'S ROUTE

"Jenna plays a key role on Carl's route, albeit in physical form only. She first appears at Carl's birthday party on Wednesday, where she aggressively confronts him for avoiding the majority of the party and angrily points out his privilege compared to her upbringing. Chase notes this as being out of character for her, which proves to be an astute observation later on."

CHAOTIC EVIL for being a jerk to Carl

"Jenna accompanies the group to Lake Emma on Saturday in an attempt to move past Sydney's death, only for things to go awry when Chase nearly drowns and mass hysteria breaks out across Echo. Jenna attempts to track down TJ, who is frantic and seemingly hallucinating, only to end up trapped in a hallucinatory version of the Hendricks Mansion alongside Carl, Chase, and Raven."

2x LAWFUL GOOD for Lake Emma, 2x NEUTRAL GOOD for going after TJ

"As the group attempts to escape the distorted Mansion, they can piece together that the key to their escape lies in resolving a mysterious "game" being conducted between the spirits of James Hendricks I and John Begay, the ancestors of Carl and Jenna. On top of this, the spirits have possessed the bodies of their respective descendants, leading to Jenna's actions throughout the rest of the route being manipulated by John Begay. While under John's influence, Jenna has little concern for her friends and gets extremely aggressive with them as John attempts to prove his innocence in the crimes of his past. She also does not seem to process any danger to herself, such as brushing off an experience in which she is nearly hung."

"Despite Chase and Carl attempting to break Jenna of her possession, she is unable to fight John off and only comes to her senses for brief moments throughout the night. This eventually culminates in John (in Jenna's body) attempting to kill Carl, only for Chase to fight her off and temporarily split ways with her and Raven. Afterward, depending on whether or not Carl fought off his possession earlier in the night, Jenna is either murdered by a James-possessed Carl or freed of her possession after Chase promises to bring the truth of John's story to light."

no alignment due to possession

"In Carl's good ending, Jenna stays close friends with those who survived the Hendricks Mansion alongside her and processes the trauma of the night by enrolling in Weston as planned. There, she turns her studies toward the phenomenon of shared psychosis and denies any paranormal aspects of the incident. Though her school career does not stagnate as a result of her time in Echo, Jenna is left haunted by her actions and the harm she brought to her friends throughout the night."

NEUTRAL GOOD

LEO'S ROUTE

"Jenna's role on Leo's route is somewhat minimal. She goes shopping with Chase, Leo, and TJ on Tuesday and gets in a race with Leo where she embarrasses him in front of Chase by "proving" herself as the ideal companion in an apocalypse. She also attends Carl's birthday party the following day, being boosted through the window by Leo to let the rest of the group into the mansion when Carl proves to be absent."

LAWFUL EVIL for being a dick to Leo and using Chase to do so, CHAOTIC GOOD for breaking into Carl's house

"Afterward, Jenna remains absent for the majority of the route having fallen for Leo's texts explaining that Chase would prefer to be alone with him. She presumably goes hiking with TJ and works on her homework before the mass hysteria takes hold of the town on Saturday. At some point on Sunday, Jenna manages to make her way to the area near Leo's house while experiencing unknown hallucinations that put her on edge. She is later found by Kudzu and Chase and returns to her senses, albeit shaken. Afterward, she escapes town with the rest of the group by hopping aboard a passing train en route to Payton."

2x NEUTRAL

TJ'S ROUTE

"Jenna spends the majority of TJ's route working on homework back at the hotel. She attends Carl's birthday party on Wednesday and is boosted through the window by Leo to open the door, though the gathering is short-lived when Carl cannot initially be found. She joins Chase, TJ, and Carl on Sydney's alleged final treasure hunt, hoping to help TJ gain closure. When Carl breaks his ankle, Jenna accompanies him to the hospital and then goes to stay with a friend in Payton for the remainder of the route, seemingly disgusted with her friends' actions."

CHAOTIC GOOD for breaking into Carl's house, 3x LAWFUL NEUTRAL for everything else

FLYNN'S ROUTE

"Jenna spends much of Flynn's route attempting to defend TJ from Flynn's interrogation. She rebuffs his attempts to talk with TJ on Tuesday and tells him to apologize for his behavior before speaking to them again. She attends Carl's birthday party on Wednesday and spends much of the rest of the following week working on homework or hanging out with TJ and Leo. On Thursday night, she and TJ hear Clint shouting outside their hotel room and she calls the cops, only for her police report to be dismissed."

NEUTRAL GOOD

"On Friday, Jenna and the rest of the group except Flynn meet up and have a barbecue near Chase's former house. If Chase chooses to dance with TJ and Jenna during the get-together, Chase steps on Jenna's foot and she spends the rest of the route walking with a limp. Later at the motel, Jenna mentions to Chase that she saw the Socket Man, which she calls her "guardian angel," many times while she was under stress throughout her early childhood, and explains that those memories eventually encouraged her to pursue psychology."

NEUTRAL GOOD

"When Flynn attempts to interrogate TJ about Sydney's death on Saturday, Jenna (having been told of Flynn's plan to do so by Chase) arrives and angrily confronts him about his behavior. When Chase falsely accuses Flynn of threatening TJ with violence she seems repulsed by the entire situation, and after TJ reveals Chase’s role in Sydney's death Chase describes Jenna as more troubled than she’s looked in years. She then returns to Flynn's house with the rest of the group sans Chase as the Hysteria begins to break out across town."

2x NEUTRAL GOOD

"At Flynn's house, the group tries to process the implications of TJ’s confession, which Jenna seems open to believing. Jenna may be forced to reason with an increasingly irrational Leo who is furious at Flynn and unwilling to accept Chase’s guilt, depending on how Chase treated him earlier in the route. When Jenna catches Flynn and Carl sharing a tender hug in Flynn’s room, she is wryly delighted by the prospect of a romance between them, and later tells Flynn she is happy for them. After TJ gives another account of the monster he saw the day Sydney died, Jenna is shocked to realize that it matches the "guardian angel" she saw throughout her childhood, and that most of the others have seen it as well."

2x NEUTRAL GOOD

"Jenna accompanies the group as they return to Town Hall to learn more about the mass hysteria affecting Echo and manage to rescue Chase from a mob of townspeople incited by Duke. As they try to drive out of Echo, Jenna once again comes face to face with her "guardian angel" after it smashes through the car's back window, and she fires Duke's gun at it to no effect. After she and the rest of the group are teleported to Lake Emma by the creature and escape from their sinking vehicle, they regroup on the shore and decide to head for Leo's house. She separates from Flynn and is not seen for the rest of the route, but she presumably escapes Echo after the events of the night."

2x NEUTRAL

"After Flynn's transformation into the Socket Man, he appears in the closet of a very young Jenna. This marks the beginning of her sightings of her "guardian angel." The route closes on Jenna asking the creature if it is real, to which it slowly shakes its head."

no alignment

FINAL SCORE: NEUTRAL GOOD leaning LAWFUL GOOD

[aita-blorbos]

[OC AITA (yep, same anon from the gas chambers one, highly recommend reading that one first, here's the link: https://www.tumblr.com/aita-blorbos/729589462028419072/oc-aita-anon-so-hopefully-no-one-finds-all-those?source=share, also my phone died in the middle of this ask so I'm rewriting it now at 11PM, sorry for any confusing parts, Octonine can explain later)]

Content Warnings: cult mention, internalized ableism and saneism, repressed memories, description of corpses, drugs, less-than-scientific experiments, bullying, self-harm, suicidal ideation, child... "death"? i guess..., oh and also it's a horror story.

AITA for accidentally "killing" a child?

That sounds horrible but let me give some context:

I (adult M), my brother B (also adult M) and my friend P (adult F) are cult survivors and recently we created an orphanage/child therapy clinic after P's Psychology graduation. We wanted to help mentally ill kids like we once were, giving them a safe and supportive space we didn't have.

Since we started this, me and B had problems with some of the children, mostly the ones that that cult taught us were "impure", so I started trying to, y'know, confront that. The problem is, differently from B, my memories of that era were really repressed after our escape years ago, which you can guess it's hard to confront your past and your mentality when you can't remember it.

P suggested that I tried doing therapy with her, but I needed something more immediate, so I got an idea... that could have gone really badly... and I guess it did turn out like this... I went back to the ruins of that cult's "house" and found the hidden backroom in the debris. The sight of the abandoned carbonized corpses of the ones who "ascended" unlocked some of my memories, but that was not what I was searching for.

Then I found it, the "mind powder", the same one we used to access our mind realms, surely that would be a faster way. I brought some of it to our orphanage and made a makeshift "sensory isolator" (pool filled with water and salt) on the basement (no one ever uses it anyways). It was weird going back there again, it was less chaotic than when I was a child, more empty.

I tried this about 3-4 times before anything happened, and then I found something, some balls of light (or seemed to be light, it was bright than the rest of that space) that when touched showed me my memories. I looked through many of them until I found any that I couldn't see, and the more of them I saw, more things started appearing: "shadows" of objects, people and places from the past. Until I found... the "house".

Inside it, there they were, all the memories my brain didn't let me see. After brute-forcing a bit, I found out how to see them and in a few hours, I have come to terms with my past... or at least I believed so.

After this, I told about what I discovered to P, that was horrified, as the results could have been catastrophic, and that I was looking really pale after this constant exposure (I used it every day for a week and this was used once a month max). I said to her that, with some development, this could be a really effective way to help the children we take care of, and she snapped, held me down, and made me promise that I wouldn't ever touch that powder again.

After some months, I started to look less pale, and P ended up rethinking the whole situation, and said she would allow it, as long as the children weren't involved, to which I agreed. A few days later, P's son D (14-15 M) came to me saying that he knew about the powder thing and asked me if he could try it. I denied saying that I promised to his mother I wouldn't do this experiment with the children.

I talked to about it to P, and she called D to talk with her there. She was trying to explain to him why that was dangerous, but it sounded a lot like she was fighting with him, all the while he was looking at me as if I had betrayed him, which I would soon come to understand. She asked why he would ever need to do this and... well...

...how do I say this?...

He lifted his arm, showing lots of scars he had kept hidden, apparently he was having problems with bullying (the verbal and psychological one I think) that lead into him cutting himself... gosh I don't know how to describe any of this right, but I think you got the idea.

So he thought that maybe, by confronting these thoughts and memories "directly", he could be better... somehow. There was a silence for a long while, until P broke down. I... didn't knew what to do, I didn't knew if what he was saying was possible, none of us knew, but he seemed so desperate that eventually I said that we could try it if he wanted to. P was enraged over this, yelling at me about how I dare suggest this in such a vulnerable moment, I argued that I was just trying to help him, and it kept escalating until D ran out of the room crying and went to the basement.

When me and P got there, he was picking the powder and throwing it in the water (which is definitely NOT the way to do it), and when we reached him, it was too late, he was already in his mind realm. Taking him out of the water didn't bring him back, we tried a few things to wake him up but nothing worked, so we waited. After half an hour, he started to whisper some words and phrases like "where", "lost", "i'm scared", "let me go" and "still alive". Slowly, he started talking more, and then he started screaming in terror of something. We panicked, we tried to talk to him, get him out of there, but he just screamed louder and louder until he says "get me outta here!!" and then he stops, and falls down with one last whisper: "thank you". P slowly open his eyes, and we both get mortified when we see it. He was with the same lifeless eyes of the "ascended", which makes me scream and curl into a corner of the room, starting to break down, memories flowing back in.

I... I feel like I'm the villain here. I decided to search for the powder, I used it to "fix myself" quicker, I had the idea of using it to help the children, I told P about what D asked to me forcing him to confess it to his mother, I left all the "equipment" to use it there lying on the basement... I... I killed him... didn't I? It sounds silly to ask it now but, AITA?

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, mbti-notes! I wanna start this off by saying that I absolutely adore your blog. There's truly nothing else like it. It's comprehensive, clear, and precise. I've been relying on the material on your blog for psychology for a while now, and I want to give you a massive, massive thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Right, moving on to the purpose of me writing this. Please help me with type assessment (of myself). I have an argument of my type and I hope your analysis of it can give more insight on whether I was accurate or not. I'm an 18F. My MBTI may be ESTP, albeit an immature one.

Stack in order:

[Se] I think I have Se because…

I love experiencing new things. I don't like when nothing much happens in day-to-day life.

I'm usually energetic, especially if the situation is fun and exciting (team sports I like in particular). But when it comes to studying heavy theory about things I don't like/don't care about or hanging out with people I don't feel comfortable with, it feels like all my battery gets sucked out.

It's easy for me to learn something when I jump straight into it and experience it real-time rather than sitting down and hearing someone going on and on about it.

It's difficult for me to sit still for a long time. (Funnily enough, as I was writing this, a classmate was sitting next to me and said she was bored. I instantly stopped writing and jumped to play a game with her.)

I don't like when I have to do the same thing over and over again unless it has a purpose.

I get annoyed when situations are too serious. I prefer to keep things fun and light-hearted.

I see it as it is, say it as it is.

[Ti] I think I have Ti because…

If something doesn't make sense/has flawed logic, I speak up about it OR I keep it to myself because 1. I may be wrong 2. If I say it, people would get hurt.

If I'm forced to learn something, then I instantly lose all my curiosity and do everything in my power to NOT learn it. In contrast, if I discover something interesting and learn it on my own, I become intensely invested in the topic for a while until I reach a block and drop it lol. (The knowledge stays, but most of the time I remain a novice, not being special in anything)

I'm straightforward. It's a double-edged sword. I have people tell me that they admire this trait in me, then get offended when I display it the next day. I have no intention in hurting people, it's just that sometimes the truth hurts, and I'm sorry but I'd prefer they "live wounded" than "die stupidly". It's a sign I care.

I'm firm in my opinions, and don't get deterred when other people tell me their own. If it doesn't make sense to me, then it doesn't. If it does, it does. The part I'm ashamed to admit is that sometimes I'm wrong. I'm working on to not deflect other people's advice and opinions face-value.

[Fe] I think I have Fe because…

Long story short, my parents weren't very present in my childhood because of their jobs. So, I threw myself into befriending people in school and latched onto them for emotional needs. Not only that, many of those so-called friends bullied me over the years. This part of my life built this people-pleaser mentality, and I've only noticed it just recently. I hate it. I want to stop, but it's not easy to get rid of something that's become instinct.

I do want to be taken seriously, but I can't help but joke around. I don't even think when I do it.

Err. Okay. This is gonna sound like bragging. I apologize beforehand. So, many people have told me that I'm "smart", whether they are family, friends, teachers, or strangers. I know this. Sometimes I have moments of doubt, just like anyone, but I know this. Whenever they say it to my face, I act dumb and say "Really? Why do you think that?" just so they continue on praising me. GAH THAT'S SO EMBARRASING OKAY MOVING ON

[Ni] I think I have Ni because…

Whenever I feel stressed out, I isolate myself from others. I lock myself in my room and snap at my loved ones if they try to ask me what's wrong. I become pessimistic and vengeful. I can't focus on anything but the negatives of a situation. During this, I feel like everyone is out to get me, and I can't trust anyone but myself.

So, what do you think? Am I an ESTP? If I am, how can I be better?

------------------------

I'm glad you find my blog helpful, I appreciate you saying so. :)

While there's nothing in your description that jumps out at me as negating ESTP, it's still incomplete. You make a lot of claims about yourself but don't provide enough detailed and concrete examples to back them up. For example, people who've done any job hiring can tell you that everyone claims to be a "fast learner" or insert whatever trait/quality... but where's the PROOF? I need a lot of proof to confirm type with a high degree of confidence. Otherwise, I just take your word for it, which then comes down to whether your word is reliable - it's not really my analysis in the end.

Another issue, the instructions state that you should do a comparison between at least two types. It isn't enough to just confirm the type you think you are, because that makes you vulnerable to confirmation bias. You must also examine the other types and rule them all out systematically. Since you only wrote up one type, am I to assume that no other types fit as well as ESTP? If that's the case, you have your final answer.

As for how you can be better, the question is too general and vague. It would be better to raise specific things you'd like to work on. I'm not here to judge whether you're a good person or anything like that. All I do is offer some info to people who've hit a block or obstacle.

If you are confident about your type, I suggest you consult the Type Development Guide about how to improve your awareness of your functions and learn to use them better. Another thing you can do is analyze your past mistakes and failures for lessons to learn. Another thing you can do is solicit negative feedback/criticism about yourself to discover more opportunities for personal growth.

[ciarkat]

It’s interesting to discover who you are at your core. Who you are when you’re alone with your thoughts. No one to judge you or hold you to any moral standards. Where you’re allowed to entertain your darker thoughts. I feel that, as I grow and heal, more often than not my moral standards naturally lean towards good. I have so much compassion and empathy, that I forgive just about anyone, no matter how wrong they have done me. Even when I’m alone with my thoughts. I consider circumstances, I consider a persons life experiences, I consider the psychology of their actions. Learning about myself, that I am annoyingly positive also explains it. I wouldn’t go as far as to call myself an optimist, though I’ve tried it out, I still consider myself a realist. Yet, the flighty, imaginative, willfully naive, hopeless, head in the clouds, dreamer side of me that only wants to see the world in peace and harmony always always always wins.

I’m laying here at 1am thinking about my parents. Both of them were diagnosed with cancer recently. Both of which seem pretty serious. And all the things I wish I could say to them before they go, things that probably would help heal me. It goes something like, you absolutely destroyed me and I just want to know why. I am, a broken, lost, scared, and lonely human. And when I think back to when I was little, to some of my first memories, who I’ve become as I’ve healed, as I’ve begun to learn who I am again, is the exact same little girl who never understood why i deserved so much pain. I still have the biggest heart, I still feel fulfilled by helping others, by spreading love, by seeing other people happy, successful, and thriving. I never feel envious, it never makes me feel bitter. When I think about the people who have wronged me, it makes me happy to think of them growing and healing too because at the end of the day we all want the same thing, to feel fulfilled, whatever it means to each of us.

Thinking about my parents dying, while it doesn’t devastate me, it also doesn’t bring me joy to know they’re suffering. I keep feeling like I’m not reacting enough, like I’m not reacting properly, like I should care more. When my mother calls me crying, I feel.. uncomfortable. I feel empty. I keep searching for something to say, everything feels so insignificant, and disproportionate. I really want to care, I really want to be empathetic and compassionate. I don’t know if this just goes to show how deep rooted my trauma is. I am not someone who holds grudges by any means. I feel like something inside me is just broken when it comes to my parents. I have no patience for evil people. Maybe it’s because I feel like they don’t care or acknowledge the cruelty they forced upon me as an innocent child.

My development started with not understanding why these people hurt me, were always angry and upset with me, and all I remember thinking as a 6 year old child was how I would do literally anything to please these people, to make the pain stop and yet to this day I don’t know what I could have done differently. At the age of 7, I had a teacher ask me about the marks all over my body, the welts and the bruises, and without hesitation I came up with a lie on the spot, to protect the people who were stupid and cruel enough to leave marks up and down my body. Luckily I’ve never been a good liar, so my reward was having to occasionally strip down for these two strangers who would search my body for marks because their job was to protect children from harm. They weren’t around for long though.

By 8, the suicidal thoughts had started. So I decided to kill myself the only way I knew how, by holding my breath. I would hold and hold and hold until I was lightheaded and blue in the face. I never so much as passed out but I like to think of how funny it would be now, to think back on when i would have woken up from trying to stop breathing because I wasn’t even old enough to understand that you can’t kill your self by holding your breath.

I would go on to face years of abuse - verbal, mental, physical, sexual, torture, neglect. Witnessing an unstable marriage, substance abuse, domestic violence, and financial instability. I started to abuse myself even, the self mutilation, the starving, the suicide attempts. The incessant daydreaming, dissociating, escaping into my head to avoid my reality.

And here I am worrying about if I’m not being empathetic and compassionate enough to the people who never showed me an ounce of mercy. I am told often that I’m too forgiving, that I let people go too far, I let people come back even after everything that transpired, that pushed me far enough to remove them from my life. I blame having to regularly endure abuse and having to wake up every day and tell those people I loved them, the people who were chipping away at my soul, who were changing me into this dark, ugly, empty, and angry creature.

Let me be clear, that I wasn’t someone who broke rules. I never skipped school, I never talked back, never snuck out, I never drank alcohol or did drugs, I never had sex. I buried my nose in books, I memorized Taylor Swift albums, and I tried to exist as little as possible. I never asked for a dime of money in my life, I never asked for clothes, shoes, makeup, toys, electronics. It still begs the question of, what did I possibly do to deserve it.

The icing on the cake is that these people didn’t even conceive me. They adopted me. It’s not even like they were stuck with a child they didn’t want.

[princesscolumbia]

The frustrating part about this is; the more you look into it, the more you realize just how wrong the way we do things today is.

First there's the less obvious but you're going to kick yourself for not noticing before; "night owls" just happen to have a lot of traits in-common:

They tend to be neurodivergent

They usually prefer to be solo operators and think independently when support structures that "morning people" rely on for productivity aren't there

They often have better night vision (whether that's due to an increased number of rods in the cornea or some other mechanic)

Their generally introverts, meaning they thrive when operating in isolation

They problem-solve and process learning in ways that are better suited to people who don't need large support networks

And, to put the icing on the cake, let's point out the oft-repeated exhortation from the many, many "night owls" in this thread:

TᕼᕮY OᑭᕮᖇᗩTᕮ ᗷᕮTTᕮᖇ ᗩT ᑎIGᕼT!

Humanity has, built in, an entire night-shift crew ready to do all the things at night that are also done during the day. We're built different on purpose because for millions of years we, as a species, had to survive without things like "cities" and "enough weaponry to wipe out any competition for the title of 'Apex Predator'" and "electrical grids." They don't experience the negative psychological effects of isolation, they crave the kind of environment that demands constant draws on attention, they see better in environments with less light, and their responses to contrast-dependent motion stimuli are on a freaking hair trigger (try asking someone with ADHD a question while spinning a fidget spinner with light reflectors on the weights and tell me I'm wrong on this part), and their senses are turned up to 11 (my autistic girlfriend has hearing that boggles my mind, and my ADHD fueled senses are already better at auditory processing than most neurotypicals for my demographic).

By insisting that the people that are biologically hard-wired to work the night shift instead force themselves to work during the day, you're requiring that they operate directly against their nature.

Then there's the fact that 𝗘̢̖ͩͪ𝗩̹̝̚͟𝗘̡̰͊𝗥̧̞͒͛𝗬͉̑͋͡𝗢̣̖̐̈́̀𝗡̛̯͚͆𝗘̨͕̐'̾̚҉̱𝗦̱̆̀ ̛̙̲ͥͦ𝗦̵̜̻͂𝗟̸̼͆𝗘̵͈͖͑𝗘̞̰̅͜𝗣̡͔̓ͤ ̰̹͌͜𝗦̎͏̞͕𝗖̵̗͗𝗛̷͈̹͌̐𝗘̵͚ͥ𝗗͉̑̐͝𝗨̢̱͔͆𝗟͖ͭ́𝗘͔̄̄̀ ̶͉ͩ𝗜͚ͭ͡𝗦̡͍̼̓̅ ͤ͏͉̖𝗙͈ͫ̆́𝗨̗͚͒͜𝗖̖ͭ͢𝗞̡͍̐𝗘͕̻̆ͣ͜𝗗̖ͨ͜!̵͔̈́ͥ!̰̹͆͠!̵̙̎̾

In the past 10-20 years, more and more anthropologists are digging through human records of all types (both explicitly recorded history and not) and discovering that the modern "sleep 8 hours in one shot, work/live/play during the remaining 16" is exclusively an invention of the so-called "industrial revolution."

You know, the time period when we were all sold the idea that humans were replaceable cogs in the industrial complex machine and we're all replaceable and you'd better work and work and work and that's your entire point of existence or you're a lazy good for nothing slacker who deserves shame and death.

Prior to the whole damn world being convinced we're supposed to work ourselves to exhaustion for 16 hours a day and then collapse to sleep the remaining 8, people went to sleep when they felt the need and woke up when their body told them to. This resulted in THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE SLEEPING IN TWO (2) BLOCKS PER SLEEP PERIOD.

You ever find yourself reading some account of a historical figure where they were up at 2 AM doing something that would make history? Yeah, it wasn't because they were insomniacs (well, not all of them), it was because they had already gotten 2-4 hours of sleep and their body said it was time to wake up! Probably for the bathroom, but also because they had gotten enough rest they didn't need to sleep longer than that. And they got enough rest because they stayed up long enough to get tired again, then went back to sleep for another 2-4 hours.

When I learned about this, I began comparing my sleep tracker data against a theoretical sleep schedule where I planned to be awake in the middle of the night. Sure enough, the periods of sleep where I was most restless and prone to waking up randomly happened at about the 2-4 hour mark. So I started planning for this and expected to fall back asleep at some point later, which meant I had to go to bed earlier than usual (Doing this with a regular 8-hr./day pre-pandemic job sucked, but more on this in a little bit). Within, like, a week I was getting enough restful sleep from this split schedule that I was thriving on 5-6 hours of sleep. I just had to keep myself busy during the 2-3 hours I'd be awake at night. Would I take more sleep if I could get it, like for a nap? Heck yes! But I didn't need it on a day to day basis.

Couple this little data point with the studies that show humans aren't ever productive for a full 8 hours a day and it starts to look like the entire human race played themselves by adopting the Calvinist "8 hours for work, 8 hours for rest, 8 hours for everything else" mindset.

One more thing; when I got to the point in my job where I could dictate my own schedule? I planned to only be 'productive' 6 hours a day. My bosses still want me to be available "business hours" (which is a FUCKING stupid notion when your business is 'keeping the homes where people live maintained and damage free,' which is a 24-hour a day operation), so I can't slip into my natural sleep cycle of waking up between 9-10, starting [productive activity here] at 12-1, working until 2-3, taking a 'lunch' break until 4-5, working until 7-8, then going to sleep around 10-11 so I have enough time in my "sleep block" to be awake for a couple of hours. That said, I can tailor my schedule around giving myself that "awake" period in the middle of the night and still get enough restful sleep to get everything else done I want and need to do.

I just shouldn't have had to wait until I was in my FORTIES to have that level of flexibility.

Ok wait let her speak

[atvashva]

Sweat, Speed, and Silence – The Unexpected Zen of Off-Road Power Sports with A-THON’s ASHVA 4X4 ATV

Stillness doesn’t always come in silence. Sometimes, it comes in a roar. Discover how the A-THON ASHVA 4X4 ATV is unlocking a meditative state through motion—where sweat meets serenity and speed reveals presence.

Meditation Isn’t Always What You Think It Is

When people imagine mindfulness or peace, they picture still bodies, closed eyes, deep breaths. But for a new generation, especially those wired for action, movement, and mental overload, this kind of stillness can feel inaccessible—or even suffocating.

What if the path to clarity didn’t require stillness? What if it required speed, sweat, and surrender to terrain?

That’s exactly what’s happening through the A-THON ASHVA 4X4 ATV experience—an adrenaline-infused, terrain-grounded ride that is helping individuals reach deep presence and nervous system balance, not through stillness—but through motion.

1. The Myth of Calm: Not Everyone Can Sit Still to Feel Still

In our overstimulated world:

Overthinking blocks access to calm

Many people feel anxious trying to meditate

Others feel disconnected during passive healing formats

High-performance individuals often need intensity to access inner stillness

That’s where the A-THON ASHVA 4X4 ATV ride steps in as a bridge—between speed and stillness, between external challenge and internal reset.

“I couldn’t meditate in a room. But after the second lap, I felt quieter than I’ve been in years.”

2. Flow State Through Throttle: The Neuroscience of Clarity in Motion

The A-THON ASHVA 4X4 ATV creates the perfect environment for what psychologists call “flow state”—a condition where:

Action and awareness merge

The inner critic goes silent

Time slows down

The brain switches from stress mode to performance mode

The mind becomes quiet—not through force, but through full engagement

This is meditation for the active mind.

3. How the A-THON ASHVA 4X4 ATV Enables Somatic Presence

Unlike ordinary vehicles, the ASHVA 4X4 ATV engages the rider across all sensory systems:

Tactile: feeling the terrain through your spine and grip

Auditory: the steady roar of the engine becomes rhythmic

Visual: fast-moving terrain keeps the eyes engaged in focus

Kinesthetic: the body’s response to shifts in balance activates total embodiment

This multi-sensory activation leads to a state of pure presence—what athletes call “the zone” and mystics call “the now.”

4. From Sweat to Stillness: The Unexpected Post-Ride Zen

After the ride, participants consistently report:

A profound sense of internal quiet

Reduced anxiety and restlessness

A mental space free from looping thoughts

Easier access to breath and emotion

Increased clarity in decision-making or creative thought

This is not post-thrill fatigue. It’s nervous system regulation through terrain-induced catharsis.

The A-THON ASHVA 4X4 ATV, by exhausting the body and engaging the mind, creates a gateway to deep stillness—without needing to sit cross-legged for hours.

5. A Meditative Machine, Engineered with Precision

The ASHVA 4X4 ATV isn’t just a powerful ride—it’s designed for emotional and psychological balance, offering:

Stable build and roll-cage confidence, which allows surrender

Responsive control, which trains present-moment feedback loops

Safe, intentional unpredictability through curated tracks

Instructor-led facilitation to turn a ride into a reflective ritual

This is more than motorsport. It’s mindfulness with mud on your boots.

6. Wellness Applications: Where Meditation Meets Motion

The A-THON Motion Meditation Circuit is now being integrated into:

Corporate wellness programs for high-performance executives

Creative recovery intensives for artists and performers

Mind-body retreats and yoga+adrenaline experiences

Youth wellness formats for anxiety, distraction, or emotional suppression

Post-trauma recovery programs where talking is difficult but action is healing

Here, the A-THON ASHVA 4X4 ATV becomes a ritual vehicle—a moving mat, a roaring mantra, a four-wheeled form of mindfulness.

7. Stories from the Silence After Speed

“The moment I landed the jump, I stopped hearing my doubts.” “I’ve spent years trying to reach this level of calm. The ride took me there in 15 minutes.” “It’s the first time I’ve felt truly present with my own mind and body.” “The sweat was real. The silence after was sacred.”

Conclusion: When the Engine Stops, the Real Peace Begins

Not everyone finds peace in stillness. Some must first face their fear, feel their grip tighten, land a jump, and let the adrenaline wash their doubt away.

That’s the magic of the A-THON ASHVA 4X4 ATV.

It teaches you how to ride fast to slow down, how to move hard to arrive deeply, and how to touch silence through the sound of terrain beneath your tires.

This is the zen of off-road. This is your inner stillness—engineered through motion.

[emergent62]

The Mental Health Benefits of Practicing Gratitude Daily

I never thought I’d be the type of person to keep a gratitude journal. The idea seemed cheesy and forced to me. But a few years ago, when I was struggling with anxiety and depression, my therapist suggested I give it a try. Little did I know that this simple practice would transform my mental health and overall outlook on life.

As someone who’s battled mental health challenges firsthand, I want to share with you the profound impact that practicing gratitude daily has had on my well-being. I hope my experience can inspire you to give gratitude a chance and potentially reap the same benefits I’ve discovered.

Gratitude Journey Begins

When I first started my gratitude practice, I was skeptical. How could writing down a few things I’m thankful for each day make any real difference? But I committed to trying it for at least a month, jotting down three things I was grateful for before bed each night. At first, it felt awkward and sometimes even difficult to come up with things. But as the days went by, I noticed something shifting.

I started looking for things to be grateful for throughout my day, almost like a game. Suddenly, I was noticing small joys I’d previously overlooked – the warmth of sunlight on my face, a kind word from a coworker, or the comforting aroma of my morning coffee.

The Science Behind Gratitude and Mental Health

As I experienced the positive effects of gratitude firsthand, I became curious about the science behind it. What I discovered fascinated me and validated my personal experience. Research has shown that practicing gratitude can have significant benefits for mental health. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that participants who kept gratitude journals reported feeling more optimistic and satisfied with their lives.

They also exercised more and had fewer visits to physicians compared to those who focused on daily hassles or neutral events. Another study in the journal Psychotherapy Research demonstrated that practicing gratitude, along with other positive psychology interventions, resulted in decreased depression symptoms and increased happiness

The effects were still present at a six-month follow-up, suggesting that gratitude can have long-lasting impacts on mental well-being.

How Gratitude Rewires the Brain

One of the most fascinating aspects of gratitude is its ability to actually change our brain structure. Neuroscientific research has shown that practicing gratitude can increase the production of dopamine and serotonin, often referred to as the “feel-good” neurotransmitters.

This boost in these crucial brain chemicals can lead to improved mood and emotional regulation. Moreover, a study using fMRI scans found that gratitude practice activated areas in the brain associated with moral cognition, reward, and positive emotion.

This suggests that gratitude doesn’t just make us feel good momentarily; it can actually reshape our neural pathways to promote more positive thinking patterns over time.

Gratitude as a Stressbuster

One of the most noticeable benefits I’ve experienced from my gratitude practice is a significant reduction in stress. When I’m feeling overwhelmed or anxious, taking a moment to reflect on what I’m grateful for helps shift my perspective and calm my racing thoughts. This personal observation is backed by science. Research has shown that gratitude can lower cortisol levels, the hormone associated with stress.

By focusing on positive aspects of our lives, we can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps us relax and reduce the physiological effects of stress.

Improved Relationships and Social Connections

Another unexpected benefit I’ve noticed is how gratitude has improved my relationships. By actively appreciating the people in my life, I’ve found myself becoming more patient, understanding, and empathetic. This has led to deeper connections and more satisfying interactions. Studies support this effect, showing that expressing gratitude can strengthen relationships and increase feelings of social support.

When we express appreciation to others, it not only makes them feel good but also reinforces our own positive feelings about the relationship.

Cultivating Resilience Through Gratitude

Perhaps one of the most powerful effects of gratitude I’ve experienced is increased resilience in the face of challenges. On tough days, my gratitude practice reminds me that there are still good things in my life, even if they’re small. This helps me maintain perspective and bounce back more quickly from setbacks.

Research has shown that gratitude can indeed foster resilience. A study of college students found that those who practiced gratitude reported higher levels of resilience and lower levels of depression and stress.

By focusing on the positive aspects of our lives, we build a psychological buffer against negative experiences.

Tips for Starting Your Own Gratitude Practice

If you’re inspired to start your own gratitude practice, here are some tips that have worked for me:

Start small: Begin with just one or two things you’re grateful for each day.

Be specific: Instead of “I’m grateful for my family,” try “I’m grateful for the supportive phone call I had with my sister today.”

Mix it up: Don’t just list the same things every day. Challenge yourself to find new sources of gratitude.

Make it a habit: Try to practice at the same time each day to establish a routine.

Get creative: You don’t have to write in a journal. You could use a gratitude app, share your gratitude with a friend, or even create a gratitude jar.

Embracing Gratitude for Better Mental Health

As I reflect on my journey with gratitude, I’m amazed at how such a simple practice has had such a profound impact on my mental health. It’s not always easy, and there are still days when finding things to be grateful for feels challenging. But the cumulative effect of this daily practice has been transformative.

If you’re struggling with stress, anxiety, or depression, I encourage you to give gratitude a try. It’s not a magic cure-all, and it doesn’t replace professional help when needed. But it can be a powerful tool in your mental health toolkit, helping you cultivate a more positive outlook and resilient mindset. Remember, gratitude is like a muscle – the more you exercise it, the stronger it becomes. So, start small, be patient with yourself, and watch as this simple practice begins to shift your perspective and boost your mental well-being. Your future self will thank you for it.

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