#and then highlighting THOSE lyrics as being special to him on today of all days?????

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

miles kane what are you trying to do to us???

[chloe-spade]

Tangled Up Prolouge

This is the story of how I died a painful, horrible death, which was told for generations to generations. For all the naughty boys and girls all over the world as a cautionary tale.

Ruggie..

Alright, it's not exactly true, but I did die, but we have to go way back, even before I was born. You can tell how long this story is if someone as young as me has to retell it.

☀️

One very few centuries ago, the sun and moon dropped a magical raindrop during the day and night cycle, which led to certain things from happening. One was the Sunflower, a magical flower that had an odd power for those who found it. The Moonflower was a different story, it would lead to healing but also destroy, which is reflected in the moon cycle.

But this story is about the Sunflower.

As I mentioned, it has the power to heal anyone who comes in contact with it, but only a special few know about how to activate its power.

☀️

An old man managed to rummage through the forest and looked at the flower, looking back at his notes with a small laugh as he looked back at the flower, starting a small hum.

(See this man, yeah, remember him, he's very important. His name is Divus Crewel, and he's a harsh man who values something unattainable, like beauty, and an awesome flower, but I'm getting ahead of myself.)

"Flower petals are glowing gold with soft purple highlights, glows the brightest when the sun sets," Divus notes, "This flower is the first of its kind, but the possibility of various isn't unlikely." As he takes his notes, he slowly begins to hum.

A light glowed and he felt a small energy throughout his body. He gasps as he stares at his hands. No sagged skin, no wrinkles, nothing. He stared at the flower and began to hum again, and the flower reacted again.

Flower,

And soon, lyrics came to his mind, and he sang:

Gleam and Glow,

Let your power shine~

Save what has been lost

Bring back what once was mine,

(Are you freaked out? Yeah, so healing also means de-aging, so this crazed scientist decided on what he wanted to do with this newly discovered flower.)

What once was mine~

Divus took note, "Has some anti-aging properties, and alerted by song, whether song or humming. It could be used for healing?" He swiftly took out his dagger and slashed his hand, only for him to heal and flower healed it.

"Amazing," he muttered and looked around. With all around, he slowly mustered a wicker basket and created a makeshift bush to hide the flower. "No one should know about this," he concluded when he walked away, leaving the flower, hidden and alone, hoping for sunlight to peak through.

☀️

Creepy, huh?

Ok, so you've met our villain, one with so much vanity, that he hid the flower for his uses only. Now let's focus on the king, who was around the area at the same time but for an entirely different reason.

That man was King Lilia of the Sol Kingdom.

He became king after his queen gave him the title for she foresaw she was to die during an expanding war between Sol and an unnamed kingdom.

With his leadership, he was able to win the war of all, and this led to the kingdom being covered with walls to prevent wars and show peace instead. That was how good Lilia was as a king, and now today was the day that would change his life.

☀️

Rumors were heard of a wailing spirit stuck in the woods, which caught the attention of King Lilia. He looked around the woods, along with the knights of the kingdom. Lilia didn't believe the rumours but since they scared the villagers, he had to look around for the ampty named spirit.

"What has the emergency?" Lilia asked the head guard.

"Well, one of the women in our village has said that she heard a cry in the woods, but she couldn't identify the location. She was sure it was a ghost." A Guard explained.

Lilia nodded held the lantern high and kept walking around the forest, before the cry was heard again, causing an alert to everyone before Lilia began to walk towards the sound, only to see a basket with a baby covered in a blanket.

"Well," Lilia chuckled and carefully picked up the basket, "You caused many a fright, little child." The baby squeaked and cried again. "Oh, my," Lilia whispered, "Let's get you to somewhere warmer." Lilia alerted the guards and walked towards the castle.

After what seemed forever, the baby was now healthy and happy. Lilia grew fond of the child and named the baby Silver, due to his mysterious hair color that reminded Lilia of a silver blade. Silver was crowned prince as soon as he would. Lilia loved Silver with all his being and adored his son with every waking moment, and so did many of the townsfolk who met the boy. He was the pride prince of Sol, everyone loved and adored him, even at his young age. It was such a momentous occasion that a tradition began on the boy's birthday.

On the special day, golden lanterns will rise into the night sky, but Lilia made one for his son and it was so special, that if the prince touches it himself, it would glow a beautiful purple, like his eyes, which makes it more exciting when he grows up. Legends have spoken about how that lantern will never crumble, and he kept it inside a special vault.

It was strange having a child around the castle, but it made Lilia's day. Especially when the child began to dream about becoming a knight, inspired by King Lilia. He even got a small horse, an old birthday present.

But soon, after his 5th birthday, he got a bad illness, an illness that made the young boy bedridden, coughing every single moment. It worried everyone in the kingdom, horrified that their darling prince was going to die because of this horrible illness.

It was one of those days when King Lilia was dealing with massive dread of fear because of the situation until an alchemist came in with an incredible discovery. He told Lilia of a rare golden flower, which caught King Lilia's attention and asked for the location.

The Pharmacist agreed and soon, both they and Lilia planned a search party, despite Lilia having doubts, it was approved by Lilia and as soon as dusk approached, the search party began.

"What do you know of the golden flower?"

This caught the attention of Divus, who continued to use the flower to provide for his youth. He heard horses scatter and neigh around. He managed to hear more of the conversation.

"It could heal anything, including illnesses," The Alchemist explained. "It is from the sun,"

(Yeah, yeah, hey! I already told everyone where it came from, and I don't need a re-explanation. How about we go back to Crewel? Please?)

"What in the heavens?" He muttered, before covering the flower and departing, unaware that the cover completely flipped over by his foot.

The glow caught one of the Head Knight's attention, and he walked over to it. He gasped at it, watching the golden flower glow, illuminating everything around it. He turned back and yelled, "I found it!"

"Alright men, King Lilia said we should be careful with it," one guard reminded, "it's for the prince,"

"Yes, sir."

Divus watched in horror, seeing the flower he tried to keep hidden taken from the ground and being carefully carried away. "King Lilia…" He hissed to himself as he slowly followed the guards back to the village. But what stopped him was when they reached the castle, and the gates were shut.

☀️

"It'll be ok," Lilia whispered to Silver, "We've gotten something for you." Silver looked up but remained silent as his throat hurt horribly. Silver watched as an unknown man walked inside, holding a bowl of glowing liquid and within it a flower. He watched how the bowl slowly went towards him.

Silver gulped and sipped the water.

"What a strange flower," Silver yawns, "..it tastes amazing. What is it, Father? It felt like magic."

"That's our secret, dear boy," Lilia laughed, kissing his forehead. "But do sleep and you'll feel better in the morning. Please enter a beautiful dreamland."

Silver smiles and yawns again, his eyes drooping until he fell asleep.

Lilia sighs, gets up, and leaves the room. He looked down at the flower water in his hands, not knowing what to do with it. But he did have an idea when he saw seeds swim around the water.

"What if I.." Lilia pondered.

"Your highness?"

"Oh, Shroud," Lilia gasped, "I do thank you for finding this. Though I do fear of what would happen if this would to be found by others. I may have an idea."

"What do you have in mind?" Shroud spoke up.

Lilia looked and made Shroud follow him, to a secret room.

"I plan to create a small room, where I can keep this flower inside and maybe create more if things happen to our people. I understand why it may be a bad idea, but I have so much fear that I will lose Silver once again. I was entrusted to keep this kingdom safe and I intend to keep it that way."

"Then let me join you," Shroud offered, "we should start a small garden and create notes."

"Perfect. I thank you once again."

☀️

Knights surround the castle, but none can see a dark-figured man go around the castle and pass everyone. The dark figure entered the window, into the young prince's room.

Divus stared at the sleeping boy, as peaceful as he could be, with a raging hatred because if it wasn't for him falling ill, he would still be young and beautiful. But it was not his concern right now but to find the flower to replant for himself.

Flower,

Now to start the search:

Gleam and Glow,

Let your power shine~

Save what has been lost

Bring back what once was mine,

He was about to continue until a glow fetched his eyes.

What once was mine~

The glow belongs to the sleeping boy in front of him, unaware that his hair begins to glow when Divus sings. He walks over and begins to sing again, and his hair glows once again and Divus felt his body getting younger and younger when it did.

It was strange that his hair was glowing, but it did create some new notes, still humming to see more of the result.

He watched and a wicked smirk appeared on his face, and he gently pulled out scissors, and slowly began to reach for a strand but as soon as he cut it, it became dull and fell back down on his face, no more power overflowing of it.

"I saw him go through here…" said a guard outside the door, as he heard two footsteps.

Crewel looks at the door and back at the child.

Divus had to make a choice. He didn't care about the consequences, all he cared about was his beauty and his research about the one thing the king stole from him.

As he heard the door begin to open, Divus looked at the child with a grin.

"You've taken what's mine…so," He picked up Silver and held it close as soon as the door opened, "I've taken what's yours!" And with that he disappeared into the winds, leaving the guards confused as his laughter echoed in the air.

The door broke open but it was too late for the knights. The figure was already gone, only leaving an old notebook on the floor.

☀️

The guards searched everywhere, so wide even the outskirts of the kingdom, the forests were searched but an area they didn't expect was a house, a small cottage within it all. The house belonged to Divus Crewel, the one confirmed by the knights to have kidnapped the prince, and the house was empty, saw for a few items such as mirrors and potions.

But Lilia found something that could help them understand the kidnapper, just enough to save his son one day.

☀️

Beyond the border of Solm and into the dark forest, if you see a moss-filled rock, best to double-check if it's really a rock. Behind is a cavern, which leads to the other side, to reveal a tower filled with moss around it and no entrances to be seen, so one would think it would be abandoned.

That's where the prince was hidden, singing for someone he now thought was a father. Yes, Crewel took the kid and raised him as his own, with the help of a magic spell that distorts memory.

He had found his magic flower, and now, more than ever, he was determined to keep him hidden, even if he were not to leave the tower ever.

☀

Silver was only 5 years old when he was aware of his odd home. He didn't have many complaints, mainly because his memories were so fuzzy, but he was a kid. Shouldn't he be outside, playing with the grass and birds up in the sky?

So, when he has the opportunity to ask his father about it.

Silver hummed as Crewel brushed his hair, unaware of its cause to him in particular, but he only saw it as helping his father relax after a rough day. "…Father," He asked, "Why can't I go outside?"

"The world is a dangerous place, full of nasty people," Crewel lied, "It's only to protect you, my dear. I hope you understand." Silver nodded while looking back at the fireplace.

But inside, he was giddy, for he knew today was his birthday and that meant those special stars would appear high above where he was. So as the night continued to fall, Silver sneaked past and opened the window, watching as the lights began to float above the forest, just enough for him to stare. He watched increasingly and wondered where they came from, and why on his birthday no less.

His father spoke of them once but only claimed them as nasty stars that don't belong in the sky and would never let Silver watch them at night, but that never stopped him, and he'll continue until the day he finally leaves the tower and onto the world below.

[gaianyx]

Want You Bad

By Jane F. Nyx

Pairing: Eddie Munson x GnReader

Summary: It's the reader's first official show. And they want to dedicate their song to their boyfriend, Eddie Munson.

W/C: 699 words

A/N: I was listening to this song the other day and couldn't stop thinking about how Eddie fits perfectly into the lyrics. No use of (y/n). Proof read.

Feedbacks and tips will be well received :)) 

Happy reading everyone!!

I had been preparing myself for this day.

Today, for the first time I was going to sing my own song.

Based on the one person that always believed in me.

But didn’t seem to believe in himself.

We were inseparable, he helped me at my worst, so I wanted to return the favour.

Or at least thank him, acknowledge him, make him feel as special as he made me feel.

He needed to know how I felt, that's why I wrote that song.

I walked on stage, and when I say that there was a crowd, there was a crowd. More than I was used to in the hideout.

I felt nervous, but I was doing what I loved.

For who I loved.

The band was and so was I.

I scanned the crowd until I saw him, he was looking as handsome as always.

He gave me a smile of approval, always the one to cheer me up.

God, I wanted him so bad.

I approached the microphone and spoke, “Thank you everyone for being here!”, I checked one last time on the band behind me, returning to my position when they gave me a thumbs up.

“This song is dedicated to my biggest supporter, fan, best friend and boyfriend.

This one is for you, Eddie!” a smile appeared on his face and soon enough on mine.

If you could only read my mind

You would know that things between us

Ain't right

I know your arms are open wide

But you're a little on the straight side

I can't lie

My hands were shaking a little, but I couldn't care less.

My mind became blank, the words started to spill out of my mouth.

And suddenly memories from the time we had together were the only thing playing in my head.

Your one vice

Is you're too nice

Come around now, can't you see?

When we met, he looked so tough. But turned out to be so nice and understanding.

He was gentle and a prick at times.

I want you

All tattooed

I want you bad

The day I went with him to get his first of many tattoos.

He was a little nervous and wanted me to stay with him. So that is what I did.

The same day I realised I wanted him, much more than friends should.

Complete me

Mistreat me

Want you to be bad, bad, bad, bad, bad

The day we had our first kiss. After that stupid fight.

If you could only read my mind

You would know that I've been waiting

So long

For someone almost just like you

But with attitude, I'm waiting, so come on

The day we made it official, after being scared of how things would turn out.

Both not wanting to take the first step.

The day Eddie had put the pants on and gathered some courage to ask me to be his.

Get out of clothes time

Grow out those highlights

Come around now, can't you see?

Our first night together.

I want you

In a vinyl suit

I want you bad

Prom, when he refused to wear a tuxedo and wore a ‘vinyl suit’ instead. His leather jacket.

Which made him look more handsome.

If that was even possible.

Complicated

X-rated

I want you bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad

His changing moods and way of talking that always made me laugh.

Don't get me wrong

I know you're only being good

But that's what's wrong

I guess I just misunderstood

Till the day those three words finally slipped out of my mouth in the cosiness of his room.

With Eddie laying on my chest, his arms hugging my body and my hands caressing his hair.

I want you

All tattooed

I want you bad

My mind got back to reality, people were cheering on the song as it was getting to an end. But I could only focus on him.

Standing right there, smiling like a little kid.

Complicated

X- rated

I want you bad

The lyrics of the song slipping through my lips, directed to Eddie.

There was no questioning anymore after this magical moment between us two.

I mean it

I need it

I want you bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad

Really, really bad

I was deeply in love with him, and he was deeply in love with me.

And that day had made it clear.

Let's just say that after the show, we had a really long day…

And that Eddie never questioned if he was good enough for me anymore.

To more love songs, to more kisses, to more him, to more us.

A/N: If you enjoyed this post please don't forget to like and comment <3333 Thank you for reading!

See you in the next chapter!

xoxo Jane

[chiara-klara-claire]

Sanremo 2023 personal highlights

Our President of the Republic was present the first evening he is so cute!! (for those unfamiliar he and the prime minister are different people, he has a similar role to the king in Sweden/NL etc, but gets elected and serves 6 years, he is very much beloved and got a second mandate)

Anna Oxa screaming got included in the screaming people meme 

Blanco had technical problems and decided to destroy everything 

two songs were called Polvere (dust) and Cenere (ash)…

Gianni Morandi (co-host and old singer) saying ”hey bro” to Lazza and he smiling back hahah 

Old singer/songwriter Gino Paoli (88yr old) started saying whatever he wanted among others, è una gabbia di matti questa qui (“it is a madhouse here”) that the wife of another singer had cheated on him with a group of men decades ago. 

Loved when Sethu went to José (son of host Amadeus) and when Colla Zio made Amadeus say Straguzzo (Milan slang for “cool”)

almost instantly liked Non mi va by Colla Zio whom I didn’t know, I LOVE THEM. Listening to Sanremo songs at work i also liked Polvere - Olly! Gives me energies. and Leo Gassmann with Terzo Cuore, I listened to these 3 a lot the first days

Don’t understand how mengoni’s song got 1st, i liked one line and the rest was not that special to me. Also his cover???

Was however glad Lazza was second, his Cenere was a nice song!! Mr Rain was nice but not too special. It was cute when kids went all on him hugging at the end. Started liking Tananai-Tango like yesterday, (look up lyrics!!) it was actually related to the war in Ukraine as you can see from the videoclip, though it was introduced as any love song. He brought yellow-blue roses.

I started noticing Sethu’s Cause Perse only at the end and loved it!!! mde me run so fast when jogging today morning…. He ended up last but didn’t deserve it. You could say being last brings more luck than like 25th though. Also absolutely loved his cover of Charlie fa Surf.

I really liked covers of L’Amour Toujours by Mara Sattei with Noemi.

More notable entries i enjoyed: Shari-egoista, Gianluca Grignani (love when he sings  E chi sa la verità / Mi dica perché faccio fatica a staccare le dita of Quando ti manca il fiato. 

Coma Cose, Mara Sattei and gIANMARIA’s songs were not bad I guess

Didn’t paricularly like Stupido by Will but he seems a cutie

[reyescarlos]

Can you wish someone a happy birthday too many times? If so, what’s the number? I feel like I’ve exceeded it in the last 15 hours 😂.

I hope you’re having an amazing day; it’s what you deserve. I was thinking about how we’ve been friends for about 18 months, but it feels like forever (in a good way). I love that you’re the person I got to meet Rafa with virtually this year; it was so special to share that with you and truly a highlight of the whole experience (no offense to Rafa, we love him. 😂 A king. 👑).

I really look forward to making more memories with you! And in 2023, my goal is to have some of those happen in person (*starts looking up flights*). Thanks for being born (shout out to your mom LOL) and being my friend. YOU ARE SIMPLY THE BEST (and that is an understatement).

Also, I recently saw Wicked, and one of my favorite songs is For Good. Those lyrics apply here; knowing you has changed me for good. ❤️

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BEAUTIFUL FRIEND! 💖🥳 CHEERS TO THIS NEXT CHAPTER!! 🥂🙌🏾

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOONIA! I will gladly accept it each time you say it; it never stops warming my heart! My goodness, you have been killing me all day, as you know from me screaming in your DMs all along but MAN! Today really has been topnotch!

HARD SAME! I still cannot believe we got to interact with that glorious man??? That was such an experience, made all the more special for us to be together for it! We need to meet in person for real! Like that's mandatory for 2023! If nothing else, we will get to hang out in real time and it will be EPIC! LMAO yes shoutout to my mommy haha. Now you've got David and Patrick and Tina in my head!

OMFG NOT WICKED 😭😭😭😭 WAY TO MAKE ME EMO!! Gah, you make my heart so happy. Thank YOU for your friendship! I'm forever feeling the love! 💕💜💕💜

[amygdalagustd]

Kim Namjoon on Identity

Namjoon explores the concept of identity time and time again in his life and in his music. He tends to focus on how different parts of himself might be in conflict with each other, and the tensions and confusion that goes with that experience. People are filled with duality, sometimes to the point that it tears us apart. The question of “who am I?” seems a simple one, but underneath it lies a lot of complexity. Who do I want to be? Who do other people want me to be? How much of my identity is formed by my past? Can I change who I am? Can I be multiple things at the same time? Who is the real me? What does it even mean to be the real me?

The question of “who am I?” seems to both fascinate and terrify Namjoon. In this essay we will tackle the question together as I explore all the different ways that Namjoon contemplates identity in lyrics and interviews.

From his decision to become a rapper in the first place to the struggle of taking care of himself as a world famous idol to the questioning of what having an identity actually means, we will travel through Namjoon’s career and highlight all the moments that he asks himself:

“Who the hell am I?”

It’s no secret that Namjoon was a very intelligent and driven student who got good grades in school. In his earlier lyrics he often writes about the pressure that was put on him to succeed and follow a certain path in life. As someone who was good at studying it was expected of him to prioritize his education above all else. Namjoon fit into that role well, but behind the scenes his heart was longing for music. He discovered rap and decided that he wanted a different path for his life. BTS’s early work is filled with messages of following your dreams and not letting other people decide what type of life you want to live. Namjoon often talked about the struggles of living in between the expectations of those around him and his own desires for his future. Some of those conflicting feelings are expressed in Voice, the intro song to his 2015 mixtape RM:

Straight A student and underground rapper

I occupied myself all day with being graded with meaningless numbers like beef gets graded

I just wanted to succeed

because that’s the only thing I was told by others so much that I almost got sick of it

The mirage called happiness- I thought it would be held there

But, sitting at my desk, I was never happy, not for a single moment

I secretly hid a blank sheet of paper between the pages of my study book without my mom’s knowing

My identity that I wrote down along the sound of drums and bass

The feeling of breathing that is different from that of receiving grade reports

Even when I was the top of my class, my mind was never at ease

Is it absolutely necessary to want something that others want?

I secretly raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

I again raise the volume of my voice

so that you can know, so that it can reach you

He also touches on the subject in Born Singer, which was released in 2013:

To be honest, I was scared that I was to prove myself after talking big

that I, who used to know only pen and book, was then to surprise the world

I dunno, that I and the world’s expectations are too asymmetric,

I was scared that I might betray everyone who trusted me

I stretch my burdened shoulders and step onto the very first stage

BTS and Namjoon will continue to talk about the pressure of society's expectations and the difficulty of following your own path in songs like No More Dream, N.O and School of Tears. Fighting back against the oppressive school system is a huge part of their message and mission in their early career. They ask their fans and themselves to look at the person that they are expected to become and question if that image is in line with their own dreams and desires. Namjoon wrestled with this question himself, and therefore has the experience and passion to guide others who might be struggling with their identity and the identity that is put on them.

Idol and artist

The concept of being an idol vs being an artist is one that comes back often in BTS lyrics. Namjoon is an underground rapper who ended up in a boyband, and the identity of being an idol is one that he has wrestled with quite a bit. Can you be both an idol and an artist? Does becoming an idol mean that you have to give up on being an artist? Does it matter if you call yourself an idol or an artist? Does it matter what other people say about it?

Namjoon mentions this conflicting identity in Awakening on his 2015 mixtape RM:

Every night I fight myself inside me

My heart pounds, and my colleagues stab me in the back

saying I became a cripple after going into a company

Yeah fuck you I’m an idol, yeah yeah i’m an idol

I hated it at one time but now I love to get that title

Unlike some keep denying [their identity] to the end on television,

I now fully accept myself, and I just do me

Whether I’m an idol or an artist- it actually never mattered

The way you guys look at me was what defined me

I was obsessed over titles and hung up on how people described me

Listen to the rap of the guy who became a bit smarter as time passed

Namjoon gets shit for being an idol from the underground rap scene and gets shit for being an artist from the idol scene. He is hovering in between, writing his rap lyrics with the power and authenticity of a hip hop artist while simultaneously dancing and looking like a full fledged boyband member. He responds to this dilemma with unwavering pride, the drive to prove himself and a fuck you attitude. This energy dominates a lot of early BTS music. They are still trying to find their place in the industry while not really knowing where exactly they belong. Songs like the Cyphers and Mic Drop highlight the anger they feel about the mistreatment they face from both sides of the industry while boasting about their accomplishments and pride in who they are. Just like Namjoon in Awakening, Yoongi also often mentions his struggles with the identity of being an idol in his solo work. In Idol, the title track of the 2018 album Love Yourself: Answer, BTS face the subject head on:

You can call me artist

You can call me idol

Or you can call me anything else

I don’t care

I’m proud of it

I’m free

No more irony

Because I’ve been me all the time

You can point your fingers at me, I don’t care at all

Whatever reason you have to denigrate me,

I know what I am

I know what I want

I never gon’ change

I never gon’ trade

Why do you talk loud “blah blah”

I do what I do, so mind your own business

You can’t stop me loving’ myself

Idol is a proud, joyful, wonderfully weird and confident self love anthem. It’s a celebration of who BTS are at their core. In the song, they have accepted all the different aspects of their identity and they don’t feel the need to fit in with just one label. In the future, they will go on to say that BTS’s genre is just BTS, and they see no point in categorizing themselves.

RM and Namjoon

In 2018, BTS released a documentary series called Burn The Stage. The series followed them throughout the Wings tour and was supposed to show a more raw version of them.

In episode 6, Namjoon said:

Being an idol star, you don’t have a choice but to have two identities. I invested a lot in my identity as BTS and RM, and this is really a dilemma. We need to find ways to overcome this, and I’m trying different things. I study, I read books. I need time to be wholly me, the original me that I know.

Everyone in BTS has a stage name, a person they become when they present themselves in front of their fans. On stage Namjoon is RM, a fierce and confident rapper, a powerful and charming performer, a dependable leader and someone who lives a fiery and intense life.

Behind the scenes, Namjoon is Namjoon, a man in his twenties who is trying to figure out how to be an adult just like everyone else. He likes to go on bike rides, take care of plants, go to museums, read books and spend time in nature. He gets lazy and reads webtunes for 5 hours straight and sometimes argues with the people around him because they annoy him.

Namjoon spends the years of his youth as part of BTS, in the public eye, and sometimes that causes tension between these different parts of himself; the stage persona and the private person. In Break The Silence: The Movie which came out in 2020, there was a lot of talk about identity. During one of Namjoon’s segments he said:

There is also the fear of how well I’m taking care of myself, the Kim Namjoon as a person. Aside from money, fame, and a sense of calling, what do I really have? When you have those things all other things start to feel really valuable. Those who don’t have them would find them really special. I think it’s a repetition of that, so for me, there is a fear about whether I’m faithfully living the story of my life to the fullest.

He also mentions this dilemma in Airplane pt.2 on the 2018 album Love Yourself: Tear where the lyrics go:

Who should I live as today, Kim Namjoon or RM?

25, I still don’t know how to live well

For Namjoon and anyone in BTS, there is no simple answer to this question, as the nature of their job puts them in a position that makes it hard for them to develop a sense of self outside of the work they are doing. Even though Namjoon is part of an incredibly successful band, that doesn't mean he got it all figured out. As he has poured his youth and his energy into becoming the best performer he can be, he now feels like the Kim Namjoon behind the scenes deserves some energy and space to exist too.

Rap Monster and RM

Before Namjoon was RM, Namjoon was Rap Monster, a stage name that he used until November of 2017. The name Rap Monster fits the fierce and somewhat angst-ridden style of music that Namjoon was making in the beginning of his career. He decided to move on from the name in 2017 because it was no longer representative of him and the music that he was making.

In an interview with Entertainment Tonight Namjoon said that RM could stand for many things. He mentioned Real Me as one of the possibilities, but seems to prefer not to pin one specific meaning to the name.

In another interview with J-14 Magazine when asked what kind of advice he would give to himself in 2013, he said:

Hey Namjoon, Don’t name yourself Rap Monster. You’re a human. You’re not a monster. You’re a beautiful human.

Namjoon has often said that one of his missions in life is to love himself. This struggle to love himself often reflects in his lyrics, and now also in his decision to change his stage name, as the old one had some negative connotations to it. Perhaps Namjoons struggle with self acceptance, self worth and self love is one of the reasons that identity is such a big theme for him, as he is trying to figure out how to be a Namjoon that he can love. RM is a stage name that is more aligned with that goal as it leaves more room for flexibility and change.

Map of the Soul

The subject of identity is explored to the fullest in the Map of the Soul era that started with Map of the Soul: Persona in 2019, followed up by Map of the Soul: 7 in 2020.

Map of the Soul is inspired by the ideas of psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung. The words persona, shadow and ego that are used in Map of the Soul come directly from his theory. BTS uses these concepts to examine different parts of themselves and their career over time. A lot of this era feels like a final examination of the question that Namjoon has been asking himself in different ways throughout his entire career: Who am I?

In Intro: Persona, the opener to both albums, Namjoon writes about his journey with identity in the first few lines of the song:

“Who am I,” a question that I’ve been asking myself for my whole life

A question that I will probably never be able to find the right answer for

If I were answerable with only a few words,

God wouldn’t have created all those many beauties

Namjoon realizes that he will probably never have a clear answer to the question of “who am I?” and he accepts that. He recognizes that his identity can’t be summed up by a few words or traits and that this isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes it can feel more secure to build our entire sense of identity around one aspect of ourselves (I am a straight A student, I am an underground rapper) but that puts us in a position without flexibility and without space for growth. As different parts of ourselves clash with each other we end up feeling scattered, unsure of who we are, and angry at ourselves. It’s only when those different parts of ourselves are allowed to co-exist that we can find peace and a true sense of self.

BTS will talk about this idea in other songs too, like in Idol, where Taehyung sings:

There are tens and hundreds of myself within me

Today, I greet my another self

They are all me after all,

so I just run rather than worrying

The notion also comes back in the speech that BTS held for the United Nations in 2018. The final message of that speech was to find your name and find your voice by speaking yourself. There was a lot of talk about losing your identity as a young child in favor of fitting in, and Namjoon encouraged everyone to be their own person and to find their own voice back. Throughout the speech he mentions how he is both an idol and artist, Kim Namjoon and RM, and also just an ordinary 24 year old guy. He is saying that he can be many things at once and strives to love all those different parts of himself at the same time.

In the final verses of Intro: Persona, Namjoon boldly and confidently claims that he is no longer ashamed of the different parts inside of him, writing:

Yeah my name is R

The ‘me’ who I remember and who people know

The ‘me’ who I created by myself to speak my mind

Yeah, I might have been deceiving myself, I might have been lying

But, I’m not ashamed of it, this is the map of my soul

The lyrics continue, focusing on duality, complexity and balance within his identity, accepting the different parts of himself that coexist together even if they clash:

Dear myself

You must never lose your temperature

because you don’t need to be warm or cold

Though I might sometimes pretend I’m good and sometimes pretend I’m evil,

this is the barometer of my direction that I want to set

The ‘me’ who I want to be

The ‘me’ who people want

The ‘me’ who you love

And the ‘me’ who I craft

The ‘me’ who’s smiling

The ‘me’ who’s crying sometimes

Living and breathing every second, every moment, even now

Within these lyrics there is a tone of direction and intent rather than one of being lost and questioning. This tone is very strong throughout the entire Map of the Soul concept, especially in ON, suggesting that maybe “finding” your identity isn’t about anxiously defining every single part of your personality, it’s more about choosing who you want to be and boldly pursuing the world as an incomplete human being. In the end, there is no simple answer to the question of “who am I?” and that’s okay.

All lyrics translations come from Doolset. Visit the website for additional notes and interpretations of BTS lyrics.

[bangtanblurbs]

autumn leaves

song: autumn leaves by BTS

first experience: my first listen of autumn leaves was when HYYH pt. 2 released. thanksgiving had just ended -- it was 2015. i was well into my fourth year of undergraduate studies and going through both a rough patch in some respects but also in others -- hitting my stride. i remember my first listen through of HYYH pt. 2 was in my tiny dorm room, perched on my bed, avoiding the responsibility of studying for my final exams. autumn leaves followed skit in the tracklisting, and before skit came baepsae. talk about whiplash... my emotions were all over the place. immediately i was taken by the unique backbeat and the beautiful blend of devastating vocals with emotional raps. for me, autumn leaves was immediately a favorite of mine from the album -- following closely behind butterfly. i can confidently say today though that the song is one of my top ten bangtan songs of all time. something about the sound, the lyrics, and the emotions i can hear in their voices makes it one of the most powerful rap ballads in the bangtan repertoire. i can remember distinctly i came to this revelation around christmas of 2015 as i continued to loop HYYH pt. 2 and really feel each beat and sound within the individual tracks. 

at this time i was going through a period of great change in my life - and autumn leaves is the perfect song for change. it’s a song about losing a love but also about feeling as if you are losing a piece of yourself. there are many ways to interpret the song outside of just being another sad love song -- that is something that struck me. the lyrics speak to several facets of what happens when you give pieces of yourself to others, or when you reach crossroads in your life. finding this song at this particular moment in my life was like finding energy and light at a time of extreme darkness. it was healing. soothing. 

feelings: i have too many. as always. autumn leaves is special to me because when i listen to it i’m reminded of both the place i was in when the sound found me, but also more recent development in my life that continue to relate to the song. when i first heard autumn leaves, i’d recently ended a relationship i’d been far too invested in despite knowing it was going to be a dead end - for about three years. i felt like i was at a point in my life where i needed to figure out who the hell i was without the one i’d loved. it’s funny though - i was happy to be free of that relationship, to be free of him, the pressures he’d put upon me. what do dead leaves mean if not a new spring right around the corner? perhaps i was feeling lost, but in my mind it was only temporary -- the dead must fall away to bring forward the spring. 

that being said, i did mourn. not in the way you might think, but in the way that one mourns for lost time, lost identity. so often we, as women, give up our identities when we are in relationships. we allow others to define us in terms of those that we are in relationships with. i’ve realized this now that i’m older -- now that i’m more at peace with my bisexuality -- the notion that our patriarchal society defines us in terms of the men within our lives rather than our own talents and identities. this particular blog isn’t a space for my feelings on that topic though -- what i will say is that autumn leaves comforted me. perhaps i felt that i was at a point where my leaves were dying -- but does that mean the tree is dead? absolutely not. spring would come. my life would be reborn with a new focus taking over. 

this being said -- i’ve always been one of those people that holds onto the past. i always wanted to be solid, non-changing, someone with convictions that they carried along from life. i think this stems from experiencing the death of a close friend while i was very young. i cherished the memories associated with her to the point where i didn’t want to lose the person i was when i knew her. so that’s always complicated change for me -- made the moments where the last leaves fell from the autumn trees that much harder. sure, spring was on its way, but what did that mean? would i lose the memories and the moments when my leaves where at their brilliance the previous season? or would i still carry those with me? what if i needed to correct course and completely rewrite who i was over the past -- would that mean losing who i was when i was loved by those i valued in the past? of course not -- but for some reason the more emotional sides of me didn’t see things in such a fluid way. lost was more profound when i was younger because it was also accompanied with these fears over the loss of my identity. 

as i’ve gotten older i’ve realized that identity can have staying power whilst also being something that is fluid. transmuting something doesn’t mean destroying or overwriting it. it means building upon the base and modifying it so that things are more brilliant. the me that existed before and during my long-term relationship was the same me i’d carry into the future, but with many more improvements for my own wellbeing and ability to express myself. for me, autumn leaves is just that. whilst on the surface it may convey the emotions of a breakup -- it also simply conveys the feelings that we get when we progress from one period of life to another. we leave parts of ourselves behind in order to improve. does that mean we are fundamentally changed? absolutely not. it means that we have learned from the past -- that we have made progress. in the same way that trees grow and change over the years. perhaps they look differently (taller, greener in hue? more branches?) but they still provide us with lushness and shade. 

personal connection: perhaps i’ve jumped ahead... i’ve already delved into this in the feelings section. that being said... i hope that my story can bring comfort to someone else. or perhaps help you all think about the ways in which bangtan songs can promote healing in your own lives. 

since my initial experience with the song i’ve had many other moments where i’ve turned to autumn leaves for comfort. i didn’t just leave it in the past -- it’s come with me as i’ve gotten older and moved into new spaces in my life. particularly i quite literally moved and started a huge new chapter in my life. and on this, autumn leaves has been a song i frequently find myself searching for. there’s a line in the song that resonates with me -- it’s in the bridge: “i hold on to these faded memories / is this greed? / i try to look back on these lost seasons / i try to turn back” 

initially i’d been excited for my big move from atlanta to washington dc. i thought it’d be the moment where i finally showed people back home that i wasn’t a failure, that all the pride i’d held in myself and my intellectual accomplishments was valid... but partnered with that came the intensive homesickness, the feeling of being an alien. i wasn’t really welcome here in dc. i still don’t feel welcome, but that’s a story for another day - another song. the reality is though, i moved just as the seasons turned to fall. it felt like my old life was falling away, i was bidding adieu my old life -- the community that had raised me since i was eighteen -- it was all gone. i was scared, terrified my friends wouldn’t keep in touch, afraid i’d have to change who i was to experience success (mask my accent, dye my hair, use the language of the elites)... while it’s not a breakup in the way the autumn leaves reads, i felt like i was having to plead with myself not to let go of who i was just for the sake of being accepted here, or for the sake of making my day to day life easier. the beat of the song brought me comfort as i walked to school, where i received the fake smiles of professors and classmates... i pleaded with myself -- to never let the parts of me that had gotten me to where i was fall away... to always let those dead leaves be the fertilizer for who i was becoming, for the me that would deliver myself closer to my dreams. 

even now -- i listen to autumn leaves and think about what i’m going to carry forward as the seasons change and we begin to work our way into a new normal in this pandemic. what parts of me will remain? what relationships will i keep? what *should* fall away, and what will i beg to keep around rather it’s healthy or not? i’m not sure. but closing my eyes and listening to the steady sound of autumn leaves brings me nothing but comfort. 

song breakdown

musically: autumn leaves is one of the most iconic songs from the HYYH era. the beat is iconic, the mix of vocal line and rap line from verse to chorus is completely seamless, it’s almost like a ballad rap (so iconic of the HYYH era, with songs like love is not over). the asian style beats, and synth... the sounds of the song are flawless from start to finish. the underlying beat of the song is so smooth, it feels almost like constant crashing waves, the ebb and flow of the beat with a few accents to highlight the emotional pick-ups of the verses. 

now -- it was controversial at the time -- many claim that autumn leaves samples beats from deadroses by blackbear. rather that’s true or not, i don’t know. but i find that listening to both songs back to back, they’re speaking to a lot of similar themes but with their own distinct sound and messages. there’s something about the genius of the back beat mixed with the emotionally charged rapping that sets autumn leaves apart -- also the use of vocal line is completely distinct and adds to the emotion in the sound. 

vocally: i don’t have as much to say about the vocals in this song. they’re beautiful, with vocal providing honey belts throughout the choruses, which sound more like a repeated bridge. we also see the slower, more emotionally accented rap style from each of rapline. the integration of the vocals and rap are iconically HYYH and BTS. we see the raps pick up, and slow down providing for pre-choruses to build into the beautiful vocal ballad ranges. 

autumn leaves performed live -- it’s something incredible. something i’m thankful i was able to experience. bangtan obviously never disappoint, but you can really hear the emotions in their voice with autumn leaves. the perfect adlibs, the changing rap paces, the roughness of rapline’s lower registers... it delivers the sadder themes of the song perfectly. 

lyrically: time for a DEEP dive yet again. autumn leaves is about change, the loss of a love. of course meanings can be layered, it can be about change, but on the very surface its a song about loss of love because of changes over time. 

jin and jungkook start out the song beautifully. the lyrics lead in directly addressing the theme: “fall like those dry leaves / just falling without strength, my love.” indicating that the song is like a letter - it’s a message to a love. the speaker is comparing their situation to a dead leaf, useless... time has run out... time to leave and fade away... something new to come a replace. falling without strength, it seems as if the speaker is saying they’ve got no more fight in them anymore, they’ve given up and realized continuing the fight is futile. it’s time to just let everything fall away, fade into black. “your heart just goes far away / i can’t catch you / i can’t catch you anymore, anymore / i can’t hold onto you, yeah” as much as the speaker would like to hold onto the moment they are in, hold onto the person they’re with... they can’t anymore. the other person is too far away. time has led to them drifting further apart, their relationship falling away like a dead leaf.

yoongi starts off the first rap, leading in with heavy emotions and continuing the story, and theme of a tree moving into fall. “those fallen leaves that look so insecure / seem like they’re looking at us.” the leaves have already fallen off the tree now, they’re dead on the ground -- peering back up at the speaker and their partner. i interpret this as the leaves are looking back at something they used to be a part of, something familiar to them, just as leaves are a part of our lives, trees spectating our lives as we live. these leaves were a part of their lives -- and now they’re gone, a piece is dead now. “if i touch your hand, even if it’s all at once / it seems like it’ll all become crumbs” -- this line illustrates again the analogy that the leaves are like the speaker’s significant other, someone that might just crumble away like it was never even there before, like a dream, it’s that distant. “i only looked / with the autumn wind” the seasons have changed, it’s that time, it’s been that time, and now the wind is a force that finally pushing the leaf off the tree, finally pushing the relationship or moment of life to end. “your words and expressions that become cold at some point / i can see that our relationship is fading / an empty relationship like the autumn sky” this line directly refers to the relationship like the seasons -- there was a spring, beautiful and blooming, love blossomed. and in summer it burned. but as time went on, the clouds went away and the rain stopped (the autumn sky doesn’t bring the spring showers to nurture the relationship anymore) and the fire consumed everything, burning it out and leaving nothing. “an ambiguous difference compared to before / today of all days, the much quieter night” there’s nothing left -- there no more crackle of the fire burning, no more love. it’s empty, and gone. but nobody knew when it became this way or why, it just did. “one lead left clinging to a branch / it’s shattering, i see the end.” there’s something hanging on -- perhaps it’s just the memory -- perhaps it’s just the part of them that is afraid of change, that wishes they could stay in the warmth. but even so, it’s beginning to crumble, it’s beginning the process to fall away. “dead leaves becoming dried / the silence inside your aloof heart / please don’t leave me / please don’t leave me, crumbling dead leaves” from dead to dried, the emphasis is made that at some point things have moved past ending or that they have been done for quite some time and for them to now also be dried. that being said they’re dried, not gone, the memories exist the emotions have left their place. someday the marks of this relationship will impact and provide the basis for another with someone else -- for better or worse.

then, we reach the bridge-like chorus. it’s simple in lyrics despite emotion packed in tone. “i want the you that meets my eyes / i want the you that wants me again” this line indicates that the partner in this situation has walked away and had decided not to even acknowledge the speaker. to pretend they don’t exist, to remove them from their life -- perhaps to not even keep them as a memory. “please don’t leave me / please don’t fall / never never fall / don’t go far away” the speaker begins to beg, holding onto the last few minutes of whatever they believe is left of the relationship. the begging of “don’t fall” is at odds with the previous verse about a leaf already fallen -- perhaps the chorus is coming from a more desperate state, or a moment before the inevitable happened (the season changed, the leaves fell). 

the post chorus brings in jin and continues with the same lament - the same desperate begging. “baby you, girl i can’t let you go / baby you, girl i can’t give up on you” the speaker is determined to hold onto the moment before the final fall. they are unwilling to let it all go -- hanging on to the last moments but also to the memories it seems. “like those falling dry leaves / this love, like dry leaves / never never fall / it’s fading.” at this point the chorus has progressed to where the leaves are fading and falling -- morphing into something that is no longer a leaf anymore. what is the speaker holding onto any more? just as memories too fade -- is there anything even left?

the next verse brings in namjoon, it plays off of the themes and tones in yoongi’s verse. it begins with the leaves already having fallen. there’s no more grasping onto what was, it’s much more about moving on and the ways the memory frames our ability to go forward. “like all the dry leaves fall / like all the things i thought would last forever are leaving / you are my fifth season” the speaker couldn’t imagine this happening -- a fifth season, there is no such thing. the leaves have fallen, despite him never imagining that it would occur, he’s dumbstruck. there’s a level of naivety here -- speaking to the things they thought would last forever -- which harkens back to the entire HYYH era theme. youth. learning growth. namjoon is speaking to new steps in life happening after finding out that what was familiar and comfortable is gone, and will not return as he is stepping into a fifth season and uncharted territory. “even if i try to see you, i can’t look / you’re still green to me / even if the heart doesn’t move, it moves by itself / lingering feelings hung out piece by piece like laundry” namjoon is charging here that he’s placing more emphasis on the past and the memories he holds rather than wanting to confront the reality that the other person has changed. they’re still green - young, fresh, healthy... he can’t help but still be in love because he cannot confront the fact that the other person has in fact changed. and at the same time all of this change and loss has made him raw, he cannot conceal his feelings even when doing mundane day to day things... his emotions hung out for all to see. “only crimson memories fall / from above me / even if my branch doesn’t shake / they constantly fall” the colors have changed from green to crimson, he is forgetting the hard times -- the memories that are rotten. the other memories, even if he keeps trying to hang onto them, they’re also going - being tainted by the dark and unhappy reality of things begin done. “right, my love must fall / in order to rise” he realizes, he need to cut the baggage, cut his false belief that things are still good, so that he can start a new season and try again. embrace his youth once again and heal. “even when you’re near, my two eyes / are far away, it’s happening / i’m being thrown away like this / inside my memories, i become young again” he emphasizes again that he cannot confront the reality of loss of this other person but realizes that it’s completely out of his control - he is the one being thrown. but he knows he can retreat to whatever space he needs to in order to cope or heal, he can hide inside his youth in his mind. he can stay there until he heals and can emerge once again. 

the chorus the repeats again, but this time it moves into the beautifully delivered bridge by taehyung. he begins with his low and smooth range “why can’t i give up on you yet / i hold on to these faded memories” which calls directly to namjoon’s verse. the seasons are changing, but he cannot let go of the past. things are fading but they remain his refuge. “is this greed? / i try to look back on these lost seasons / i try to turn back” he begins to realize that there’s an element to these emotions that might be toxic, that he wants but he knows he cannot have what he wants, or that he wants too much. he wishes he could retreat back to the summer, or the spring. turn back time and hide in those brighter moments. 

the final verse is beautifully delivered with hoseok’s unique style. he offers an unexpected conclusion to the hopelessness of yoongi’s verse and the denial and dismissal in namjoon’s. “burn them brightly, woosh / it was all beautiful, right, our path / but they’ve all faded” hoseok remembers fondly the memories, reflects positively on the way that things had been going... but he recognizes that that path exists no more -- those leaves are dead and gone. he uses the word “burn” which is often what happens with dead leaves, they’re burning brightly those memories -- like they’re seared into his mind and heart. they’ll never leave his essence. “dry leaves come down like tears / the wind blows and everything grows apart all day” this line beautifully captures the mourning process and the confusion that follows -- the learning to unlearn and untangle your life from another person’s. to move away from something that was so permanent in your life and mind. “the rain is falling and you’re shattering / until the very last leaf, you you you” the weather references in this verse are fitting for the theme of seasons but they also take control away from the speaker - make reference to the fact that even as they speaker would like to, he cannot control his emotions just like he cannot control the situation and relationship coming to an end. the very last leaf -- he tried to hold on, he waited till the end, but finally the hope is gone. 

the chorus repeats with some additional lines bracketing it by taehyung. ultimately the song leaves us with a feeling of being unsettled as things came to an ended. time passed by and things changed -- and end was inevitable. memories are what is left to hold onto. seasons change, just like we grow up or change. things in our lives will run their course, especially relationships. we learn from them, and even if we don’t want them to -- they leave scars... no matter how much we plead. but the reality is, we can retreat to whatever place in our mind or memory that we need to in order to repair ourselves to try again.

performance: the main video that is available online for autumn leaves is a performance from HYYH on tour. i cannot pinpoint the location of the filming, but it is the same as it was when i saw BTS live in 2016 in macau for HYYH the epilogue on tour. you can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrM53Y9hHV0&ab_channel=lestwins1524 

the performance is very much understated but beautiful. vocals and raps are delivered with more emotion than was captured in the recorded version. members do not perform any choreographed dances, but lights and graphics highlight each member as they come into focus to deliver their portion of the song. it’s beautiful and it’s just what was needed to portray the emotion and depth of the themes in autumn leaves. 

in my own personal experience, seeing this song performed live was incredibly profound. the entire arena was silent. all eyes on bangtan and listening for each of the incredibly raw verses to be peformed. the crisp emotion laden in the vocal line choruses. the song is beautiful. it’s somber and mature. it exemplifies the drama of the HYYH era -- with lyrical and performance genius that is unparalleled. i’ve uploaded to this post my horrible video but i hope you enjoy ~~

tl;dr: autumn leaves might seem like another breakup song, but there’s more to it. it beautifully emphasizes the power of memory, time passage, and the desire to hold onto past versions of themselves. which for many listeners is far more profound than just a breakup -- there’s so many times when we need to leave behind moments in our lives, friends, family members... and while we want to hold onto something that is familiar, we can’t. they’re leaving, we are moving on... seasons come and go no matter how much we wish they’d just stay constant. dead leaves fall away, even when we’d wish the summer and spring would stay, they can’t. life is cyclical in nature. which harkens us back to the themes in spring day as well. the sun will always come out, the seasons will change... but we have to confront the fact that sometimes we will experience pain, loss, and change. 

[allsassnoclass]

i was done, but you undid me

They film the Lie to Me music video.  Luke tries to work through some things.  Ashton tries to help.

A/N: Shout out to Bella for reading through this for me

Read on AO3 here

The director lets Michael call it this time, announcing “ That’s a wrap!” over the megaphone to cheers.  He had offered the opportunity to Luke, but Luke’s throat hurts and he’s too exhausted to do anything other than clap half-heartedly and try to smile whenever someone pats him on the back for a job well done.

They’ve had longer shoots than this, but none of them have left him so drained.  It’s going to be a good video, and it’s a good fucking song, but he feels as if someone has carved out his insides without giving him anything to replace them with.  A stiff breeze would probably blow him over, and that’s when Ashton wraps an arm around his waist.

“Hi,” he says softly.  Luke leans into him, grateful for the support.  It’s cold, and now that the lighting equipment is getting taken down the chill of the night is settling into his bones, but Ashton is a heater, always keeping him from freezing over.  Whenever Luke thinks he’s about to turn into an ice sculpture, Ashton is there, reminding him that there’s blood flowing through his veins instead, that he’s a human being who can keep going instead of surrendering to the chill.

“Hi.”

“You want to go home?” Ashton asks, and Luke is so relieved that his knees might buckle.

“Yeah,” he says, voice hoarse.  Even when he lip syncs on every take, his voice is always a little shot after music videos, but he sometimes gets hoarse after he cries, too, and there’s been some of that today.

He hopes everyone just thinks he’s a good actor, but he knows that the band has seen right through him, Ashton most of all.

He’s over the breakup, but that doesn’t mean that digging up those feelings isn’t still painful.

“Come on,” Ashton says.  “Let’s get the car.”

They navigate their way through the crowd, and Luke feels guilty that they aren’t staying to help the instrument techs or thank the rest of the crew, but he knows he wouldn’t be able to do it with any life.  Michael and Calum give them both a brief hug, Ashton deflects any questions or attempts at conversation, and when they finally step out of the arena Luke lets out a sigh that leaves him feeling lighter and heavier at the same time.

They walk in silence.  The city is as quiet as it ever gets, one of the side effects of having a nocturnal shoot, and Luke is thankful for it.  He could use a distraction, but he appreciates the quiet more.

It’s a good song, because it’s honest.  Luke poured his heart into it, because it was healthier to do that than any of his other coping mechanisms.  Ashton put the notebook in front of him one day and told him to get everything out, and Luke wrote so many bad lyrics about broken hearts and angry lyrics about betrayal and then, finally, I know that you don’t but if I asked you if you love me, I hope you’d lie to me .

And that’s it, isn’t it?  Luke wants to be loved too much, and he sees it even when it’s not there. He’s always looked for it in all the wrong places.

It’s been awhile since he’s really thought about all the ways she fucked him up, how horribly he misjudged what they meant to each other.  Looking back, he can see a few warning signs: arguments that lasted too long, casual comments that were disparaging instead of uplifting, how she complained when he would spend too much time with the boys instead of her but would turn their date nights into group outings with her friends, taking the opportunity to flirt with some other people just to watch him get jealous.

He hadn’t seen any of that when they were together.  All he saw were the highs: those rushes of adrenaline when she looked at him a certain way, how proud he was to have her on his arm, how much she enjoyed showing him off in a way that made him feel special.  He thought she was funny and she thought he was sweet.  He told her he loved her.  She said it back, and he believed her.

Ashton hadn’t.  Michael and Calum hadn’t fully, either, but Ashton is the only one who ever tried to talk to him about it.

“Are you sure?” he had asked one night, only the two of them still awake on the tour bus, Luke having just gotten done with a phone call to her.

“What?”

“Are you sure you love her?  And she loves you?”

“Of course,” Luke had said.  Ashton just looked at him for a long moment, something heavy enough in his gaze that Luke had to look away first.

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

Luke had frowned, feeling his hackles raise because he wasn’t a fucking kid who needed to be protected anymore.  He could be trusted to look after himself, and there wasn’t any reason for this conversation.

“Why would you say that?” he said.  “Just because your last serious relationship went to shit and you’re jealous doesn’t mean you can take cheap shots at my girlfriend.”

Ashton’s expression had shuttered, and Luke knew that what he’d said wasn’t fair, but it had felt good in the moment.  He was a wounded animal snarling at the person trying to release him from the bear trap, not yet realizing that he needed the help.

When Luke showed up at Ashton’s door a few months later, he hadn’t said I told you so or any other comment that would be fully justified.  He just let him in and never asked him to leave.

Luke looks at him now, out of the corner of his eye.  The street lights create deep shadows in his face, highlighting his profile but clouding his eyes.  Luke wants to know what he’s thinking, if he’s remembering how stupid Luke was to put all his trust in a girl who was always going to break his heart.  Maybe he’s remembering how much of a mess in general Luke was then, untethered with no inspiration, no sense of identity, and no one around to make sure he took care of himself.

He was pathetic.  He still feels pathetic, some days.  They found their sound and released Youngblood ; they’ve grown into new styles and settled into their skin a bit more, but Luke still feels like that little kid who’s too desperate for love to realize that it isn’t always good.  Ashton has to remind him to eat sometimes, or check on him when he stays in bed all day.  Any time they have more than a few days off, he can feel himself slipping into the mindset of what is the point and I don’t matter .

“You matter, ” Ashton has whispered too many times, too late at night.  “If you can’t remember how important you are to the world, then trust me when I tell you how important you are to me.”

And he knows, he knows that Ashton doesn’t love him like that, not the way that Luke wants him to, but that doesn’t stop him from wishing for it.

Luke has always searched for love in all the wrong places.

They reach the car finally, Ashton slipping into the driver’s seat and turning on the heating enough to keep Luke from shivering.  Luke buckles himself in.

For the music video, he never got to sit in the front of the car, and he never wore a seatbelt.  The Luke in that narrative gave himself no control of the situation and allowed himself to take maximum damage, and Luke’s hoping that he’s smarter than that.  He’s hoping that he’s a little smarter than he was back then, even if he doesn’t feel like it.

This Luke buckles his seatbelt, and doesn’t meet Ashton’s eyes when he knows that he’s just going to imagine the love reflected in them.

“How are you doing?” Ashton asks after a few moments of silence.  Luke takes a deep breath and takes stock.

“Tired,” he says eventually.  “I think I’m just... tired.”

Ashton nods, but doesn’t say anything.  He’s giving Luke the space to get his thoughts in order, and it makes something twist deep in his gut.  No one has ever listened to him quite like Ashton does.

“I don’t want to be angry at myself anymore.”

The sentence balloons in the air before settling around them.  It’s not what he meant to say, but the longer it’s out there the more Luke thinks it’s what he needed to.

“What do you mean?” Ashton asks.

“I was so stupid.  Everyone else could see that we weren’t meant to be, but I ignored all the signs and just let it happen.  I saw the other cars circling and still got in the back, and I don’t--I don’t trust myself not to do it again.  How am I supposed to know if someone actually loves me when I thought she did?  How could I let myself be that much of an idiot?”

“Luke, it wasn’t your fault.”

Luke laughs bitterly.

“Wasn’t it?”

“She’s the one who didn’t treat you right.”

“But I thought she did,” he says.  “I actually thought that we’d gotten it, and now I don’t even know how to recognize what it is.  I mean, what part of me could someone even love?”

“Luke…”

“I know what you’re going to say,” he says, because this is a conversation they’ve had too many times.  It must get annoying for Ashton to always have to repeat himself, to dish out compliments to Luke because he gets so needy and insecure all the time.  He wishes that he could stop saying stuff like that around him so they can stop rehashing the same arguments, but something about Ashton always lowers his verbal filter.

“Do you trust me?” Ashton asks, and Luke nods, like he always does.  “Then trust me when I say that there is so much of you to love.  You’re talented, funny, and you have the best heart of anyone that I know.  You’ll find someone who will love you properly.”

Luke swallows.  He doesn’t say I don’t want someone, I think I just want you.  Ashton’s love wouldn’t be what he wants; it would just be pity, and Luke can’t put himself through that.  He can’t grow more attached than he already is only for it to get taken away when Ashton finds someone properly suited to him.

“Do you believe me?” Ashton asks gently, like Luke needs to be handled with kid gloves, and it makes his lower lip tremble.

“I’m trying to,” is the closest he can get to an agreement.

“Okay,” Ashton says.  “That’s okay.”

Luke nods, a sob clawing its way up his already-scratchy throat, and stops pretending like he’s not crying.  Ashton has already seen him at his worst, anyway, so he lets the tears fall and his breaths grow unsteady.

“Oh, Luke…” he says, pushing back his chair all the way and reaching over to unbuckle Luke’s seatbelt.  He coaxes him over the gearshift and onto his lap, and he doesn't fit, because his limbs are too long and the car is too small and it’s just a reminder that he shouldn’t need this;  he should be enough of an adult to not be crying over a breakup that was so long ago or the fact that he doesn’t think anyone will love him like he wants.

Ashton just holds him, because he needs it, anyway.  He lets the tears soak his shirt and keeps Luke safe as he hides his face in his neck, trying to slow down the world until he’s breathing in Ashton instead of despair.  Ashton rubs his back in long, slow motions, hypnotic in his movements.  The gesture brings more comfort than the words do.  Luke melts into him, letting his warmth thaw the frost in his heart again.

Luke doesn’t have much left to cry, and soon they’re just sitting there, exhausted.

“Sorry,” Luke says, like he always does.

“You don’t have to apologize, but it’s okay,” Ashton replies, giving the standard reply.  Luke climbs back to his seat and Ashton adjusts his back to the original position.

“Hey,” Ashton says.  “You know I love you, right?”

In what way? he wants to ask, but it would be useless.  Ashton doesn’t lie to him, and this is the one instance where, against better judgement, Luke wants him to.

He just nods, and fastens his seatbelt again.

[karajaynetoday]

these arms would not be taught to hold another's, 'cause we're the special two | ashton irwin

image credit

Hello tumblr pals! Hope you’re having a wonderful day. As promised, here’s a little epilogue for it’s not the pain they’re getting over, it’s the love. i’ve tried to make it as soft and loving as possible, because i feel that these characters deserve a bit of that after everything they’ve gone through. thanks for all of your support and feedback on this little series, it’s always going to be special to me, and i love knowing how much it has resonated with you <3 

Here is Part One, Part Two,  Part Three and Part Four if you’d like to revisit them first. This part is inspired a little by The Special Two by Missy Higgins, and the italics in the piece are lyrics from the song. 

Word count: 1.7k

Warnings: mention of death of a parent, mention of exhaustion, anxiety, depression

(This is a fem reader insert)

More writing here | send thoughts/feedback/suggestions here | if you’d like to be on my taglist go here

I've hardly been outside my room in days 'Cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays

It’d been two months or so since Ashton had driven away from you on that rainy, gloomy morning. You’d tried your best to push through the overwhelming loneliness that you felt once he’d gone, and you were back to being by yourself in your mother’s house again. Your siblings were pushing through their own grief by keeping busy and moving forward, making plans to move out and pursue university studies or travel the world, and it warmed your heart to know that they were going to be okay. But at the same time, you couldn’t help but feel like you were losing that sense of being needed that you’d held for so much of your life, and a sense of hopelessness was beginning to creep into its place.

This time around, the distance was made less painful by daily text messages and weekly video calls. You thought you’d feel awkward talking to Ashton through a screen, after such an intense time together in person over the last little while, but it felt so comforting and natural that neither of you ever missed a call. Ashton was somewhere in Europe, France maybe? And he’d be criss-crossing over the continent for the next few months. You saw the excitement in his eyes when you mentioned that you’d always wanted to visit Europe, Italy especially, but you stopped him mid-sentence when he offered to book you a flight. You weren’t ready to leave here, not yet. You just needed more time to feel like yourself again. Ashton reassured you and said he understood, like he always did, and that he would be waiting whenever you were ready. 

When you're young you have this image of your life That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife

You’d started to feel increasingly out of sorts. At first the fatigue felt like an overdue episode of being burnt out, which was understandable given how draining your life had been lately. But then there were other mysterious symptoms too, that didn’t quite add up, so you managed to drag yourself out of bed and to a doctor’s appointment. They couldn’t diagnose you with anything unexpected, and there were murmurs of exhaustion, anxiety, depression, too much stress. They sent you on your way with referrals and prescriptions, and you spent the next few weeks being put on waiting lists and at appointments and trying new things, until slowly the haze began to lift. It didn’t clear entirely, and you knew from your past experiences that it would never totally fade, but you were able to get out of bed in the mornings for no other reason than because you wanted to, which was an achievement within itself.

The lawyers had dealt with your mother’s will swiftly, noting that the house and belongings were to be split equally amongst you and your siblings. After a few emotional days revisiting old belongings and the old memories that came with them, you’d all agreed that selling it and moving out to newer places was the best way forward. It would be hard to part with the place that you’d grown up in, and it’d be strange to come home to somewhere new, or celebrate Christmases or birthdays around a different kitchen table, but it also felt like that was exactly what your mother would have wanted for her loved ones: to cherish her memory by living their lives as brightly as she shone down on them. 

But I will fight for you, be sure that I will fight Until we're the special two once again

The house sold quicker than you’d anticipated, and all of sudden you were surrounded by moving boxes with no real sense or desire to move them anywhere. Your heart had always belonged here, in the familiar streets and secret hideaways and creature comforts of home, but lately it had longed for something else. Something more. Some sort of adventure, some sort of change of scenery. It was one of those now or never moments, and you were torn over what to do. Stepping away and recognising that your family would be alright without you constantly by their side was a hard pill to swallow, but it was also so freeing. 

One afternoon, Ashton’s mother had invited you out for coffee. You could tell she was keeping a watchful eye on you, no doubt out of loyalty to your mother and love for you, but you also had a suspicion that a certain son of hers had asked her to make sure you were doing okay. You were chatting away, talking about your dilemma about where to move house next, when she pulled a piece of paper out of her bag and slid it across the table. You immediately recognised it as Ashton’s tour itinerary, and four days off in Italy had been circled in pink highlighter.

You rolled your eyes and scoffed. 

“Absolutely not. I cannot fly to Europe, not now. I don’t have anywhere to live yet, and there’s forms to sign, and boxes to sort out, and…”

All she did was fix you with an amused stare, and you could see the mischievous glint in her eye that you’d seen in Ashton’s many a time before. 

Within a matter of hours, your flight was booked. Your moving boxes would go to storage for now, and you could sort them out whenever it was that you returned. You’d been sworn to secrecy, and added to a WhatsApp group message of some people that you hadn’t spoken to in years, but they were thrilled to hear you were on your way. Apparently Ashton had been missing you much more than he’d let on in your video calls, and your heart leapt when you realised how soon you’d be reunited.

And we can only see each other, we'll breathe together

These arms will not be taught to need another's

'Cause we're the special two

The flights were long but uneventful, and before you knew it you were on your way to a hotel in Italy, trying not to bite your nails out of nerves. The band schedule had a few days off after today, but in their messages to you, Michael, Calum and Luke had explained that you were welcome to join the tour for as long as you’d like. It seemed silly, to feel so close to people who were virtually strangers, but they also felt like family, and you felt like you were ready to embrace something new.

The plan was to surprise Ashton after the show, because if you arrived beforehand, you knew he wouldn’t want to let you go when he was called to stage. You met Kat, the tour assistant, in the lobby, and she was so kind and warm that you felt immediately calmer in her presence. That was until the elevator doors opened onto the band’s floor, and she handed you a key card and wished you luck.

Fuck. This was happening. You’d just flown half way around the world to surprise someone that you were even officially in a relationship with. Who were you? It felt bizarre, and surreal, and so unlike you, but at the same time, something propelled your feet down the corridor. Your heart was pumping, and your hands were clammy, but your knock on the door was firm and strong. You closed your eyes and inhaled deeply in the few moments you had to yourself before the door swung open, and Ashton stood in front of you for the first time in months.

Watching his reaction would’ve made you laugh, if you didn’t immediately start crying from the overwhelming sense of relief. He was confused, and then shocked, and then speechless, and then there was that smile. The smile that could power a thousand suns. He reached out his hands towards you, and when you took them he immediately pulled you into his arms. You were both whispering nonsense to each other, and clutching on for dear life, and breathing each other in like you’d had a lifetime apart.

“I’m so sorry it took me this long to come home to you.” This time, it was your turn to offer this apology to Ashton, who immediately shook his head before pressing his lips to yours softly. 

“Never apologise, my love. It could take all the time in the world, and I’d still be waiting for you just the same.” 

“Is now a good time to tell you I bought a one way ticket?” You said quietly, eyes darting up to meet Ashton’s gaze. He was looking at you incredulously, and you had a moment of panic about whether or not that was the right decision to have made.

“Are you kidding me? That’s the best fucking news I’ve heard in a long time.” 

There was that smile again, and more soft kisses, and being pulled into the hotel room with giggles and clashing limbs as Ashton tried to maneuver you and your belongings inside, as well as closing the door behind you both. 

A quick shower and a call down to room service for some late night pizza, and then you were settling in under the covers as the lack of sleep on the flights and all your hours of travel started to hit you. You were trying to stay awake, because you didn’t want to miss a moment, but Ashton could see right through you.

“Sleep, my love. I promise I’ll be here when you wake up tomorrow.” Ashton murmured, absentmindedly drawing small circles into your back as you settled into his chest with a yawn.

“You promise? How about the day after tomorrow?” You asked, cracking one eye open to glare at him in jest.

“The day after, and the day after, and every single day after that until you get sick of me, which will be never, because there’s no one in my life I’m more intertwined with, and it’s my favourite thing about the entire universe.” Ashton explained matter-of-factly, and it made your heart soar.

He reached over to switch off the bedside lamp, and you were bathed in darkness. Sleep overcame you quickly, and instinctively you found safety, and security, and wholeness in Ashton’s arms, as he found in yours. And all you needed was that moment, over and over again, forever. 

These arms would not be taught to need another's

'Cause we're the special two

Taglist: If there’s a line through your name, I couldn’t tag you, so please message me to let me know your new URL or what the go is!  @suchalonelysunflower @blackbutterfliescal @redrattlers @loveroflrh @spicycal @notinthesameguey @metalandboybands @cheekysos @ashton-trash  @another-lonely-heart @queenalienscherrypie  @becihadshawn  @allthestarsandthemoon​

[cthomashoodstory]

Best Years but Not in the Same Way (26)

Calum Hood x Reader

Previous Part

Hi I’m back again after this long time, i hope u guys still waiting for this story!!! I’m so excited wrote this part and next part!!! Enjoy guys!

Disclaimer: english isn’t my first language so… you know.

Masterlist

-

Since the surprise announcement you made with Calum earlier, the paparazzi went crazy (again). They always came whenever you went out somewhere, they followed you everywhere you go, especially you didn’t own any vehicles and you always counted on online taxi.

Suddenly, your life is being a highlight of the year again. Like, the ex of famous male singer has moved on and dating her fellow bestfriend. It suck to be famous and everyone’s eyes are all over you.

They keep asking the same question over and over; are you still in touch with Justin? Did Justin knew you’re dating? How’s Justin’s reaction? Are they dumb? You hadn’t contacted him since the break up and they knew exactly You avoided him, you avoided every questions related to him. You didn’t even care about him anymore.

And yet they really had a nerve to asked that just only for a headline.

As you were predict before, few paps been outside the studio building you were came to. You went inside with an extra effort because they really blocking your way in.

As usual petty questions came out from their mouths while took pictures of me and Calum. But we really ignored it like what’s the point if i or Calum answered their questions? It would caused a world war three. Lol.

After we got inside the building, we walked to the studio room and we meet our fellow friends Ashton, Luke, Michael. And you realized there were your other songwriting friends like Andrew Watt, Ryan Tedder, Louis Bell, Ali Tamposi, and Charlie Puth.

“Hey Palvin,” Charlie looking you confused when he saw you and Calum holding hands. “Oh i forgot. Congrats for you both.” He got up and you hugged him.

“Thanks.” You said to Charlie. “So…,” you said it while looked at them one by one as a sign for them to explain to you their project.

Then Ryan Tedder explained to you. “Oh, we wrote lyrics and Charlie and Andrew are making the beat and i called Luke immediately because i felt this song is really suits them.”

You nodded and Charlie showed you the demo that finished days ago.

“So what do you think?” Andrew asked you after the song played. “It’s pretty sick to be honest.”

You nodded at his comment. “Yes, i love it so much. It’s very thrilling and i can’t wait for the final release.” You were very excited because the moment Charlie played the demo, you really fall in love to the beat and also Luke’s voice really matched the whole song.

After hours staying on the studio, mostly joking around with friends, then we shared our thoughts about music industry, producing, lyrics and all related to music, you and Calum decided to went home.

As you walked out of the building, paps swarmed you and Calum.

“Hey Saara, what’s the thing you did at the studio?”

“How was your day, Calum?”

“You two looks good together.”

“Any new project for 5sos?”

You looked at Calum, his face was straight and ignored all of the questions. And we kept walking to the parking lot.

“Is your relationship and Justin good?”

“Any comment about Justin’s marriage?”

“Are you jealous of her past relationship with Justin Bieber?”

The moment you heard the last question, you stopped walking and Calum immediately stopped too because he was confused why you stopped.

“Can you please, for once in your lifetime, be respectful to my boyfriend? He’s literally stood beside me and all you care was asking me irrelevant questions? Please. I don’t care if you all raining me with ex questions, but when I’m with him, you better be asked about us or shut your damn mouth.” You walked faster than before so you and Calum could arrived to the car and get away from them.

After we arrived at the car, we left the parking lot back to your apartment.

“Wow, what was that about? You’ve been such a badass.” He started the conversation.

You chuckled. “Those people need to be shut. I’m honestly tired with all those questions.”

“So what do you think about our new upcoming single?” He asked you as a distraction of this situation.

“I love it already. It’s so amazing, Luke’s voice is so matched to the lyric, and the bass line, i can imagine you performing with that cool bass line.” You gave him a positive comment because you knew that song would be a hit even you only heard the demo.

-

“Hi sister,” Mali greeted you when you answered her facetime call.

After Calum drove you off to your apartment, you immediately opened your laptop and get ready to have a virtual ‘meeting’ with Mali because today is the schedule for you and her to discuss her new upcoming single. She asked you for a help and you felt so honored to be a part of her project.

You waved to her through the web camere. “Hi Mali, how you doing?” You were so excited to talk to her even though you texted her everyday.

“I’m fine, what about you?” She asked you back while she sipped her drink.

“I’m good. Wait, why your room is so dark? Oh my God I’m so sorry I forgot, timezone.” You giggled. “So it’s midnight there? OMG Mali, I’m so sorry, we supposed to FaceTime at your local time, not mine.”

Then she laughed. “Don’t say sorry, sister. I’m the one who needs your help. Don’t worry, i took my coffee since hours ago.” She raised her glass. “How’s you and Calum? Everything’s good?”

You smile and nodded. “Yes. We’re good.” “Thank you… for always supporting me.”

“I’ve always liked you since the first time we met back in 2014. You were so kind, friendly, smart and i knew that you’re a good person. I knew that you’re the right person for my brother and i will always support you till the end of time. Past is just a past and we have to left it behind and move on to the future.” Her short speech almost made you cry. Because she’s a very lovely person and you love her so much.

“Virtual hug for you, sister.” That’s the first time of you to called her ‘sister’. Not because you didn’t want to, but you were shy and also scared to called her that because ‘the past’ and also scared she would rejected you. “So i had this lyric i made and i kept it for myself and i wanna show it to you.”

You opened the notebook. “So the lyric is kinda saying sorry for everything that happened and the person is kinda missed all the memories and she felt sad. Sorry I’m suck at explaining.” You grinned and you took your guitar beside you.

“Please show me.” Said Mali.

You started to strum the guitar. “I miss laying in the park, i miss the walks out after dark

You were my first and you'll be the last

I miss the rhythm of your heart, i miss your head laid on my chest

You always said that I was the best, no one ever spoke to me like you did

And I miss you, Cal, and it's hard to take and I can't be saved

I'm sorry

That I didn't give it all to you, I'm sorry

Don't look away 'cause I gotta say I'm sorry

Just hold me 'cause the words will fade, I'm sorry

That I didn't give it all to you.” You finished the first verse and chorus and Mali gave you an applause.

“Saara, that was beautiful.” She looked so stunned. “That was meaningful.”

Yes, that lyric was meaningful to you because you wrote it years ago back in 2015 when you were ‘separate’ from Calum and you felt so guilty about it. You didn’t even had a chance to say sorry to him and instead you wrote this songs as a reminder for you that he was your first special man that came into your life. You were so blinded by your obsession and couldn’t see that the man who always there for you was Calum and you were so glad that you’ve finally opened your eyes.

Then you smiles to her. “I will email you the rest of the lyric and let me know what you think.”

-

To be continued

Next Part

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Thurs 5 Sept 1/2

“Happy release day everyone, exciting stuff!”

Too right Louis! Kill My Mind is out and it's awesome and the world is all over it, hell yeah. KMM hit the charts high and climbed all day, hitting #2 on iTunes and getting great press, with LTHQ going hard on the global focus.

He did the first of many radio appearances, notably the Indie House Party spot, genuinely the Louis interview of DREAMS, a full hour of real music talk and respect and Louis just relaxing and talking about what he loves with someone knowledgeable and smart who takes him seriously as an artist, I'm... overwhelmed. And Louis playing music for us? Please just give Louis his own radio show I want this content always! He also did an earlier show, played the rom com game, fun stuff but no room to get into it sorry highlights below. The Notebook still isn't a rom com though, where's the comedy? Someone needs to talk to him and Harry about that.

MTV calls KMM "bigger slicker and rockier than anything he's ever done", and talks about his note of intention, Rolling Stone published a write up and tweeted about the song (as does Rob Sheffield, "KMM is the No Control sequel I did know I needed"), iHeart says "think LBD and No Control vibes with an Oasis twist," Euphoria calls the song "a new age Britpop banger that'll shine even brighter in a live setting" and Louis "your new Britpop icon," he got a twitter moment, Power Radio UK is gonna play the song hourly all weekend, and the Comic Relief breakfast footage is finally dropping, teased today and out tomorrow.

Louis says the song is about experimenting when you're young, fun nostalgia, and looking back at being juvenile. He says it can be read as being about a toxic relationship but mostly that it's about going through an experimental phase in your youth and doing things that might not be good for you but are exciting, about "... uh... being naughty" (it's at least in part about drugs like yeah I'm saying it. It is and you know it, fight me, and also who cares, it's not a big deal.) He says, "the next few songs I have coming out represent me as an artist," "this is the most comfortable I've felt musically," "this is the vibe from now on," about the song being loud and in your face, "as promised!" and that he is "proud and excited"- yeah! Us too!!

He thanks the fans more times and in more ways than I can count but yeah bunches of tweets, radio mentions ("they're smart yeah?" *taps head cutely*), re: the fan project of a BILLBOARD IN TIMES SQUARE (can you believe?!) he says, “so fucking incredible,” he did a thank you video, and a final tweet to finish out the day "even if I don’t always see you all I feel your presence and your backing" and signed off by saying fuck fandom factions with his emphasis on how much he loves ALL his fans.

An Arista release about KMM calls TOU “the first single off (Louis') album” and Louis said today that he wouldn't be playing Miss You in Madrid- he said he will play five new songs not counting KMM yiiiikkkes and OMG. He says he will be covering one of the songs he deleted on the radio show keep or delete game! (But not the Arctic Monkeys one so that narrows it down to what like three? My money's on the Libertines) (FYI I hope yall know I'm taking that day off just getting that out there now.) About the 1D ten year anniversary he says, "we should do something for that." And yeah what about those guys? Let's be real, we need a special section for this; he's talking about Harry. He's saying his name and casually talking about communicating with him! Asked about being in touch with the boys- he said he "saw Liam most recently," that he talks to him on the phone, that he hung out with Niall at Glastonbury, in fact he really gets into specifics and details for them both, exactly when and where, and then he says he hasn't seen Harry in "a while" but "I've been in contact with him recently, it's proper nice. Proper nice." Okay okay... by nighttime radio slots we had progressed to chatting about Harry's hair. He's asked about Harry's new haircut looking like his and he says, "I'll be telling him that yeah," and later, "I'll be sending Harry a text about his hair." Listen NBD right ....unless maybe you've been force fed a narrative of them not even being friends anymore for years. So are we seeing an end to that nonsense? HELL YEAH bring it on! A good start, KMM cowriter Jamie Hartman casually dropping the factoid that KMM was recorded at Shangri La, yes, the same studio where Harry was holed up to taking all those shrooms and recording HS2. Louis also named Japan as where he'd most like to go on tour, lol. Not mentioned once today: Eleanor or Freddie. I mean why would you mention your girlfriend during a whole radio segment about rom coms and romance amiright? Mhmm. I'm not saying we've heard the last of them but it definitely wasn't a focus today.

The lyric video exists and is cool and I don't have time for it but it shows him dressed as Liam Gallagher onstage, cute, and tells the story of a couple meeting at a Louis show and in the end smooching by a, uh, lighthouse. Maybe we'll have time for video analysis in full by the weekend? Let's go girls!

Finally, when promo was done for the day he parked himself on twitter to see what was up- he responded to a fan teasing about the Real Madrid shirt- “beaut shirt tho.” It was beautiful, the rainbow especially. He defended his height, ("to be fair he's a tall fucker"), says he liked Florence and the Machine, thanked Rolling Stone and various others and a few other things.

There were also lots of pics look go check a UA or something I'm done for I mean I also left out so much interview stuff and you all saw all this anyway! Whatever! Goodbye! Goodnight to Louis only THANKS FOR THE TUNE

[happymetalgirl]

The 15 Worst Metal Albums of 2020

This list might have been shorter if not for my running into a few awful albums at the end of the year that I had been avoiding wisely up until that point. My morbid curiosity got the best of me, and what’s done is done. I’m paying the price for it by going back over the worst albums I heard all year. Let’s get this over with.

15. Ghøstkid - Ghøstkid

This was the debut solo album from the former singer of Eskimo Callboy, who had a pretty decent backing of hype heading into this release under the Ghøstkid moniker, but with the namesake frontman putting in no more than the standard performance on a bunch of poorly assembled tracks in an unappealing and dated poppy metalcore style, ultimately the eponymous album wound up disappointing me pretty substantially.

14. Powerman 5000 - The Noble Rot

Powerman 5000 are just such a low-rate band that even one of their more okay albums makes it here. While not as astoundingly, mind-numbingly basic as their worst material, The Noble Rot is still some of the most unevolved, underwritten, and forgettable electro rock and industrial metal I’ve heard from a big name artist. This is some eighth grade level songwriting here, and that’s a fuckin’ feat for a band that’s been around longer than any eighth grader has.

13. Corey Taylor - CMFT

There was a lot of hype around Corey Taylor finally coming out with a solo project, and it was pretty damn disappointing to hear a bunch of uninteresting classic rock too tacky for Stone Sour. CMFT focuses on the fun side that has made its creator such an enigmatic figurehead in the metal press, but its one-note approach does little more than highlight Corey Taylor’s songwriting deficiencies. I really could have seen this album turning out better too, with just some more time and care put into it, if a fun time of an album is what Taylor was going for. Unfortunately Taylor tried to make a party album and a grand ceremonial tribute to his greatness at the same time, and ego-petting and partying don’t really go hand in hand.

12. Evildead - United States of Anarchy

It has some good bones underneath it, but Evildead’s long overdue (if anyone was asking for it) third album wears out its welcome so quickly with some of the most adolescent thrash I’ve heard in a while. The band gets some good rhythms going and the vocals aren’t terrible either, fitting the older thrash style pretty well. But the band’s predictable formula tires out very quickly, and the political commentary of the lyrics is too cheesy and cringeworthy to ignore. It seems every year we get a handful of these kinds of albums that try to get into the simmering thrash revival with some ultra retro approach, and a good portion of those albums are from long-defunct bands who figure their primitive old-school approach might be a selling point despite their sounds often being even more juvenile against the backdrop of today’s metal landscape. So it’s not a huge surprise or anything to hear an album as ham-fisted and corny as United States of Anarchy; this year it just happened to be Evildead.

11. Five Finger Death Punch - F8

They may not always place highest in this list, but they always manage to make it here, and this was actually an improvement on the last album, not that that’s saying all that much. In fact, I’d say this is the only time in the band’s history that they actually shifted their trajectory upwards. But while the band’s ugly continual creative decay has been a hard thing to watch and made them the five finger punching bag of the metal world, there seems to be a large enough swath of mouthbreathing chuds who love their incoherent derivative shit and flock to their shows enough to put them in lucrative headlining slots and on top of the metal world. Goddamn that sure sounds a lot like someone else we all know doesn’t it. I’ve criticized them plenty in the past, and while indeed an improvement, F8 only mildly remedies the numerous problems with Five Finger Death Punch. Still septic to the system are the predictably formulaic and tiresome songwriting, the stale production, the corny butt rock choruses, the shitty bootlicking worldview that bleeds into Ivan Moody’s douchey and faux-deep lyrics, the contrived ballads and country-dabbling. Even with an improvement in the flow of the track listing and a few more bangers that somewhat hearken back to their first album, F8 is still an over-thought and overly calculated batch of Sirius XM fodder that’s trying to please everyone in some superficial way. I’ll grant that it seems as though the band realized they had been giving the more metal-immersed side of their fanbase that has been with them the longest smaller and smaller crumbs with each new album. I’m not gonna hold my breath for this being anything more than placating for the time being; I’m sure the next album will find the band back on whatever bullshit they feel (or their execs feel) they need to be on to pull enough streams from inattentive radio metal bros. I always end with the disclaimer that I still steadfastly stand by the band’s first two albums, and even American Capitalist to a degree, and that I totally acknowledge the immense potential for greatness this band could seemingly at any time decide to fulfill. Ivan Moody is a talented vocalist with a lot of star power and they really could have been the second coming of Pantera or singlehandedly ignited a new wave of American groove metal and metalcore or carried it on their own. But instead the band have followed the money on the path of least resistance to fast-track their way to the top of festival tickets, which I’m sure affords them quite enough luxury and comfort in life, more than most bands these days get, but it doesn’t exempt them from criticism, and unfortunately I think their legacy will show that they were a lowest common denominator kind of band at the end of the day when they could have been, again, like a second Pantera or something.

10. Anvil - Legal at Last

Another year, another album of Anvil unable to evolve past their prototypic thrash of their forty-year-old origins. Though as tacky as ever, Anvil actually also managed to make a mild improvement on their last album on the musical front at least. The songs are a little more energetic and easier to get through, if not for the lyricism though. Anvil lyrics are never anything beyond a fourth-grader’s poetry assignment for their English class, but some of the Facebook boomer lyrics here are fucking cringy dude. A quick look at the track listing will let you know exactly where you’re gonna find the juiciest cringe, but honestly, even as far as cringe goes it’s nothing comedically special and cringe culture in general is played out anyway. So do yourself a favor and just ignore Anvil the way they deserve to be ignored.

9. Halestorm - Reimagined

It feels a little harsh to place an EP here, especially for a band whose album back in 2018 was one of the best things I have heard to come out of hard rock in a long time. But these stripped back covers and revisions of songs from the band’s catalog just suck all the oomph out of them, perhaps making the case by contrast for the importance of the role the rest of the band behind the indeed charismatic powerhouse frontwoman Lzzy Hale play in making their sound what it is. It’s unlikely this points to any kind of new direction for them, so I’m not particularly worried about them running into this problem again. Plus, I don’t think Halestorm and Lzzy Hale are like fundamentally incompatible with more ballad-y rock music, this forced balladization of older songs just did not work, and it makes perfect sense as to why.

8. Gama Bomb - Sea Savage

The fact that this album is only number 8 on this list is just depressing for its reminder of just how much shittier it got this year. The fact that there are seven albums from this yet worse than Sea Savage, goddamn. With one exception, this was maybe the stupidest album I heard all year, at least in the thrash department it was. God this thing is a sugar high mess. I feel like a toddler on an entire bag of Halloween candy or an elementary schooler on a 2-liter of Mountain Dew sat at a computer to program a thrash album would’ve probably come up with something like this. The erratic operatic highs and dumbass lyrics, it all just embodies everything that ever made thrash look bad. It’s like that drunk guy at a party who’s hyper as shit and doing a bunch of crazy stunts for attention because he thinks it’ll make the people there like him more, but really he’s just embarrassing himself. Yeah, definitely the worst thrash metal album I heard all year, and one I wish I could unhear.

7. Amaranthe - Manifest

One of the albums I was avoiding but reviewed late out of my own weird sense of obligation that I wasn’t surprised to find only validated my reasons for avoiding it in the first place. The weird combo of dancy pop music and power metal isn’t as crazy of an idea as it might seem at first thought. In fact, that’s basically in part what Babymetal are doing, and actually getting better and better at. But Amaranthe get the worst of both worlds with Manifest, unsavory pop melodies and utterly generic symphonic metal to make for something I’m not at all surprised I was so repulsed by.

6. Trapt - Shadow Work

Yep, I listened to it. God, no wonder this band is flailing in irrelevance with aggressive MAGA nonsense being their only audible desperate plea for attention. The album, thank fuck, isn’t steeped in the same bitch boy tantrum that the band’s singer has engaged in all year to the point of getting his band’s Facebook page banned for hate speech, and the music isn’t like offensively poorly made or anything like that either. There’s clearly a conscious meeting of the baseline requirements for the type of music they make, but holy fuck it’s so damn flavorless and predictable. It’d be one thing if this was the trendy thing to be doing, but this diet hard rock for people who think Three Days Grace is too wild has been out of fashion for over a decade. And Trapt are just recycling the same dumb formula that overstayed it’s welcome in the early 2000’s. Yeah, I’m not surprised at all, but god, it’s the kind of thing that has to be apparent to the band themselves too unless they’re lacking of any and all self-awareness. Trapt have thrown themselves to the forefront of the online metal world’s discourse by being an annoying, toxic, and childish presence all year; the silver lining being the unity among metalheads in roasting their laughable posturing about their Pandora numbers and the juicy memes about their one hit “Headstrong” that rile the snowflake singer up without fail. And this shit album is just another reason to laugh at them and more fuel to roast their crybaby Trumper frontman with. Go back into your hole, Trapt. 3/10

5. Unleash the Archers - Abyss

I talked about it in my review, but there really is only one simple thing that sinks this album so low. And that is just how incredibly low-effort and lifeless it is with a genre that’s supposed to be so life-affirming. Power metal isn’t the most highly revered genre in metal, but that’s just for its cheesiness. I love it; when it’s at its best, it’s some of the most inspiring metal music out there and I genuinely wish there was a bigger demand across the board for it. But Unleash the Archers just sound so flat and unenthusiastic in this album, and, sorry, in power metal, unabashed enthusiasm is just nonnegotiable. The guitar parts are phoned in and lacking in imagination, and the vocals especially are so narrow-range, it’s all so antithetical to the ethos of power metal and it doesn’t make a strong case for itself. I’ll leave it there; this album is lazy and lifeless so I feel no need to waste any of my time and work on it.

4. Burzum - Thûlean Mysteries

Ol’ Varg must’ve needed a new wizard hat or camouflage pants or whatever goofy shit he’s been doing since retiring the Burzum name to focus on his racism and LARPing because I thought Burzum was supposed to be finished. I thought you were done with Burzum, Varg. Apparently not too done to not dump an hour and a half of embarrassingly half-baked ambient dungeon synth song fragments that sound, so many of them, quite obviously unfinished. Varg Vikernes has been a washed-up shell of the musical god the various weirdos who idolize him make him out to be for a long time now, and it has shown in the gradually degrading work he had put out after his release from prison. Yet after clearly not caring about creating music in any meaningful way for a long time, Varg drops this heap of shit in his fans’ laps. I suppose they deserve it, but I’m sure some of them are delusional enough to lap it up with a smile on their face while still believing their white nationalist idol to be a musical genius. Again, it’s entirely dull ambient music, not metal at all, but it deserves to be shit upon for its astounding laziness and purposelessness.

3. Asking Alexandria - Like a House on Fire

Doubling down on exactly the unflattering crossover of pop music with their significantly sanitized butt rock in their apparent quest for arena glory that started with their self-titled album back in 2017, Asking Alexandria’s bid for the big spotlight that Imagine Dragons occupies didn’t get any stronger this year with Like a House on Fire. After three or four years of aiming for this style, the band still aren’t even all that competent with the basics of fucking pop rock, which is pretty downright laughable. Honestly, for an album so high up here on my shit list, my feelings on it are more or less just that of unsurprised disappointment; as soon as I got a feel for what the band were doing with the album, I knew it was going to be a mess of predictable results. And lo and behold. This was just such a wholly inexcusably floppy paper towel of an album, and one more Asking Alexandria release I know I won’t be returning to ever again.

2. Hollywood Undead - New Empire, Vol. 2

Coming on at the last minute to get on the scoreboard, reliably, is Hollywood Undead. When I reviewed both volumes of this project earlier, I referred to them as “corporate Linkin Park”, and I stand by that 100%. This album especially showcases nothing but what an incoherent, vapid, clout-chasing act they are, with such a corny, focus-grouped sound that sounds like it was made in a lab by a bunch of out-of-touch boomers. God, they could’ve been safe too if they had left it with the more tolerable first volume back in January, but this follow-up sequel from just this month was exactly why I had avoided listening to the first installment in the first place. And I should’ve never played this second one either. The album opener, “Medicate”, is probably the worst song I sat through in my own volition this year, and the rest of the album doesn’t get much better. It’s nothing new for Hollywood Undead after I gave their 2017 album my award for least favorite album of that year: more unfitting interplay between machismo posturing Eminem-cosplay and the sappiest, wimpiest radio rock and pop choruses; more cringy tough-guy struggle bars; more forgettable-at-best instrumentals. Congrats again, Hollywood Undead, you made one of the worst albums of the year once again.

But even worse than Hollywood Undead is an album that I feel like is already so legendarily bad, that there is no other album that could’ve been sat here. It had to be this one.

1. Six Feet Under - Nightmares of the Decomposed

Shitty metal bands everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief any year Six Feet Under decide to put out new music because any album they release is just about bound to end up as everyone’s #1 worst album of the year, and boy is that guarantee becoming more and more airtight with each successive release. It’s truly astounding too how Six Feet Under manages to outdo themselves every time. I don’t even want to think about what could possibly come after Nightmares of the Decomposed; we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. But for now, holy fermented shit, this thing is not just bad, it’s like the holy grail of terrible TERRIBLE albums and I don’t want to know what kind of apocalyptically despicable album Chris Barnes and company could possibly conjure to outdo this one. And make no mistake, it’s still Chris Barnes dragging this band down. I gave this album a 1/10 instead of a 0/10 because there was at least a sliver of salvageable instrumentation on it, as thin of a sliver as it was, a few halfway decent musical ideas of you squinted hard enough. The instrumentalists are checked out and clearly just participating for the paycheck, but I can’t even imagine what kind of professional instrumental performance could possibly overshadow the embarrassment that Chris Barnes put to tape in the studio here. Maybe that says it, because it honestly sounds utterly unprofessional. It’s baffling how this got through management and sound engineering to be released to the public because I don’t think I’ve ever even heard any amateur high school band’s vocalist sound this bad. Vocal ingenuity is generally something to be applauded in the metal world, and pioneers like Randy Blythe, Dani Filth, and Travis Ryan deserve all the praise they get for their innovation with dirty metal vocals, yet what Chris Barnes has “invented” here on Nightmares of the Decomposed to compensate for his continually-deteriorating vocals is just sad. The man simply cannot perform highs anymore, clearly, and the alternative is this fucking comical, cartoonish squealing that sounds more like a bratty toddler gargling their own snot than it does anything fitting for a death metal record, even a death metal record at stupid and cheesy as Nightmares of the Decomposed. Chris Barnes should be thankful that metal is not a sport and that there’s not nearly as much of an abundance of performance statistics to point to and analyze to see what kind of records are broken in a legendarily awful performance. I feel like if there were any kind of performance stats to pull up, this album would have to break some kinds of records. Like this is worse than that 7-1 Germany-Brazil World Cup game, this would be like if the Brazilian team all got unholy levels of blazed and repeatedly scored on themselves because they kept going the wrong way and kicking the ball into their own net, and then pissing their fucking shorts. Even in 7-1 defeat, Brazil had more dignity than Chris Barnes here. Six Feet Under and their label have to know they are a laughing stock and that people will listen to them at this point for the sheer entertainment value of how mind-blowingly awful they sound. It’s not an illegitimate marketing tactic, and it’s the only explanation I can come up with for how this passed inspection. If that’s their mission, to be a spectacle and instill cringe in death metal fans in a regular ritual of comically stupid performances across every successive album, they’re sure doing it, and I guess this baffling headache-trophy is their well-earned prize. Congratulations Six Feet Under, you did it again! Worst metal album of the year.

[newmusickarl]

2021 has been relentless with great new music so far this year, with each Friday drop bringing with it at least two or three incredible new releases worth checking out. However, that still didn’t quite prepare me for this last week which has probably been the best New Music Friday of the year so far. An avalanche of new releases, including (at least as I haven’t got round to everything yet!) five incredible albums, each offering different sounds to fit different moods. Because of this and because I can’t choose a favourite from these records yet, there is no Album of the Week – instead here are the five albums and two tracks from the last seven days that you should make the time to listen to and discover:

Album & EP Recommendations

Carnage by Nick Cave & Warren Ellis

“This morning is amazing and so are you…” – Balcony Man

Surprise! Out of nowhere, the legendary Nick Cave and his partner in crime from the Bad Seeds Warren Ellis have today dropped their lockdown collaboration album - Carnage. And although I have only managed one listen through at the time of writing, just like his last two records, this one is really something special.

If there was any artist who you would pick to really capture the mood of lockdown and turn it into something magical, it would be Nick Cave. On his last record Ghosteen, one of my Albums of the Year for 2019, Cave & Ellis continued through their journey of despair which originally begun on 2016’s Skeleton Tree, ultimately finding a glimmer of hope at the end of it all. Carnage by comparison arrives almost as a halfway house thematically of these two previous efforts, carrying the hopelessness of Skeleton Tree rooted in real life events, along with the fantastical stories and tinge of optimism displayed on Ghosteen.

Because of this, Carnage is arguably more accessible than those two records, with Cave & Ellis seemingly dancing in the melancholy of the apocalypse across the album’s eight tracks. Sonically however it is vastly different, with the understated piano-driven melodies replaced with grand, operatic instrumentation built predominantly on strings, that move effortlessly from the menacing to the stirring at the drop of a hat.

Although I still need to stew on this record a bit more, the ominous prance of Old Time, the gorgeous guitar and choral chants of the title track and the beautifully restrained closer Balcony Man are standing out as the early highlights.

Cave himself summed up Carnage perfectly in his release statement, calling it “a brutal but very beautiful record nested in a communal catastrophe.” This is Cave and Ellis waltzing majestically in amongst the chaos, taking the listener into the eye of the storm and presenting them with something quite glorious at the centre of it all.

Terra Firma by Tash Sultana

Elsewhere, Australian multi-instrumentalist Tash Sultana released her much-anticipated sophomore album this week, Terra Firma. Contrary to Cave & Ellis’ record, Sultana delivers a peaceful escape from the global situation, delivering a record that is very personal and reflective.

Soulful and richly textured, there are plenty of career-best moments here including the acoustic-driven cooing of Crop Circles, the gorgeous Josh Cashman collaboration Dream My Life Away and the record’s transcendent finale, I Am Free. However, it is the album’s centrepiece Coma that delivers arguably Sultana’s best song to date, a beautifully constructed track about letting go, that culminates in a wonderfully bluesy guitar solo.

At 60 minutes long, Terra Firma feels like a meditative experience – an album to sit and bask in to get some much needed relaxation and introspection away from the lockdown grind. This is another special album, one I’ve returned to numerous times this week and can see me continuing to do so over the course of the year too.

As Love Continues by Mogwai

At this point, ten albums and 26 years into their career, people just about know what to expect from Scottish post-rockers Mogwai, and that is soaring, grandiose instrumentals. However somehow with each new release, the band still manage to amaze, taking their instrumentals into unchartered territory and leaving listeners in wonder with their colourful, breath-taking soundscapes.

For me, As Love Continues is one of their best releases for years (with some of their best song names too). From cathartic opener To the Bin My Friend, Tonight We Vacate The Earth, the acid-drenched industrial sounds of Here We, Here We, Here We Go Forever, and the dreamy, looping guitar riff and euphoric crescendo of Pat Stains, Mogwai’s touch for forging fascinating sonic textures hasn’t missed a beat. That said, it is the one track that contains clean vocals that stands out amongst the pack, and that is the emotional gut punch of Ritchie Sacramento which sees frontman Stuart Braithwaite paying a beautiful tribute to all his musician friends that have passed over the years.

This is definitely one of my favourite recent Mogwai records, and one of my favourite releases by anybody this year so far – an essential listen.

Trauma Factory by nothing,nowhere

When you’re ready for a change of pace after indulging in the albums above, then the fantastic fourth record from American prodigy Joe Mulherin under his nothing,nowhere guise is the place to go. Mulherin has always been known for his edgy blend of hip-hop, R&B, pop punk and emo, with this crossover of genres helping him to forge a sound that feels very much his own, with many trying to replicate since and ultimately failing.

Now on Trauma Factory, Mulherin sets himself for world domination with arguably his most commercial collection of tracks to date, certainly from a melody standpoint at least if not lyrically. From ambient groove lights (4444), the laidback, slackerpop of upside down, the anthemic chorus of pretend, the infectiously catchy KennyHoopla collaboration blood, and the straight-up pop punk of nightmare, Trauma Factory feels stadium-ready, almost playing out like a nothing,nowhere greatest hits collection.

However as big and chart friendly as this one feels at times, there are still plenty of riskier moments too, such as the bold, heavy riffs and aggressive vocals of death, a track which is nicely contrasted by the vulnerability of one like real, an album highlight which sees Joe confess his own pressures and anxieties in a haunting spoken word number.

All in all, this a wonderfully eclectic album that perfectly showcases Mulherin’s growing confidence as a songwriter and artist. This was by far my most highly anticipated album heading into this week, and although I am yet to decide if this is overall Mulherin’s finest release to date, there is no doubt that this a highly enjoyable 40 minute listen, packed in with plenty of career best tracks.

Non-Fiction by Spector

And finally this week on the album front, legendary indie rockers Spector have released a new 13 track collection called Non-Fiction, a culmination of all their independent EPs and singles released since their last full length album Moth Boys in 2015 (their last to be released on Fiction records, hence the title of this one, aha!). That album was actually my Album of the Year in 2015 and, despite not being an official studio album, Non-Fiction resonates with me the same way that album did six years ago.

One of the great differentiators Spector have always had over other British guitar bands for me is enigmatic frontman Fred Macpherson, with his witty humour and razor-sharp songwriting completely unmatched by any of his peers. On Non-Fiction, his unique brand of lyricism is out in full force with this collection featuring some of the very best songs Spector have ever written. From the brilliant “We broke down on the M1, they said to call the AA but I didn’t know which one” line in opener Untitled in D, through to the “More M&S than S&M, two can dine for news at ten, voucher for my requiem, now I’m one of them” verse in album highlight When Did We Get So Normal?, Macpherson doesn’t waste a single word.

Steered by Macpherson’s astute, observational lyricism, Spector serve up huge singalong indie anthems that have no reason to be this poetic and wonderfully crafted. Again, an album that features plenty of career highs including Fine Not Fine, Wild Guess, Tenner and Half Life to name but a few, Non-Fiction, despite being independently made, feels every bit as special as its predecessor Moth Boys did. Ultimately if you’re after rousing indie anthems this week, you’ll struggle to find anything better.

Tracks of the Week

The Last Man On Earth by Wolf Alice

Onto tracks then and Wolf Alice made their triumphant return this week, debuting the first taste of their forthcoming album Blue Weekend. An unexpected first single choice, The Last Man On Earth is a haunting piano ballad built around Ellie Rowsell’s powerfully haunting vocals, which eventually erupts into a glorious haze of soaring guitars. Welcome back!

Paranoid by Keir

And my final recommendation this week is the anthemic new single from singer-songwriter Keir. Ever since the release of his song Squeeze Me years ago, Keir has been an artist I always thought should be dominating radio stations across the country. Although he’s not achieved that feat just yet, Paranoid may be the track to change all that with its instantly catchy chorus, glorious choral backing and masterful production. One of the best pop songs of the year so far.

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

HypMic 7 - 9 | Maou-jou 5 - 6 | Akudama Drive 6 - 8 | I7 s2 6 - 9 | Taiso Samurai 5 - 6

HypMic 7

I will never not laugh at the content advisory, haha.

I like Kazuha already. Too bad he’s probably evil…

Oh, is it the day of the DRB in the series already…? Or maybe, because it’s the qualifiers, BB and MTC’s match is on a different day to FP and MTR’s.

Oh? Does Tom know Jakurai well enough to call him “Jakurai-sensei”? (<- middle ground between “Jinguji-sensei/Sensei” and “Jakurai”) Also, Tom uses “ore”.

Ooh, Iris is a motorbike rider, eh? Interesting. I thought they (<- not sure if Iris is a “she” or “he” with a really weird name) were more of a Saburo-type and didn’t bother with things like that, based on their appearance. Update: Someone on Yahoo Answers said based on Iris’s watashi, she is a woman.

Typo fixed! Good job, anime staff! Update: I’m referring to “…darkest hour is just before the down” (sic).

…bukkorosu = “f***in’ slaughter ‘em”. It’s not wrong…it’s just the subbers really like to abuse the F word for MTC. But you knew that already if you got this far…right?

LOL, Ramuda wants to “scratch [Rex’s] back” (figuratively) to…get SNS views? Hahaha.

This Studio Alita is probably a reference to Shinjuku Alta.

Yotsutsuji!!! That was the one big spoiler I got before watching the episode today and I’m so happy I got to see him animated!

(One of) Irihatoma and Degarashi refer to Jakurai as “Jakurai-sensei” as well. Hmm, I never noticed. Update: That’s Degarashi, because Irihatoma speaks to Jakurai alone later this ep.

There’s 50% chance I’m getting this wrong, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say Kazuha is voiced by a veteran VA…one I already know about.

Doppo calls Kazuha by his first name…That upgrade means their relationship escalated quickly (or this is a quirk of HypMic in general, since I noticed most characters are on first name basis with each other). Also, it’s cute Doppo finally has someone in his corner. No other part of the franchise has one, to my memory. Update: It might actually be “Kazuha-kun”…but I’m still surprised though. Update 2: It’s both, actually.

I’ve listened to the phrase “some random guy” several times from Hifumi’s mouth and all I can figure out is the “yatsu” at the end. (Doesn’t help my ears blocked themselves up again, although it’s less than it used to be.)

Harumi Wharf.

R? On a helicopter landing pad?

…uh oh. I was right when I thought Kazuha was going to be evil. Also, Doppler shift/effect. Update: “Doppler” is clearly a pun on “Doppo”.

Hmm? “Hey, Doppo” from “yaa”…it doesn’t have a name referred in there. It’s a small but odd thing to do. (I remember a professional translator was complaining that people with intermediate Japanese were giving them flak for translating things “wrong”, but what I do here is analysis for my future and edificiation. I’m not here to knock down pro translators’ doors and demand a refund, because I’m trying to go pro to atone for my sins as a scanlator.)

The soundtrack’s slightly sinister tone, plus the fact I figured the culprit well before Doppo did, makes me slightly scared…for MTR.

I realised they skimped on the budget…this “hot off the car chase” line seems more like an MTC line, doesn’t it…?...Yeah, it’s almost word for word for MTC in DRB+. Maybe the subbers rushed and used this translation (this link I put here) rather than their actual lyrics…? I will have to get to the bottom of this. Update: Turns out the translation is slightly different, but…yes, there is reference to a car chase in the start of Shinjuku Style. (Sorry, I don’t know every lyrics of every song off the top of my head.)

…wow, this got really Doppo-centric. I’ve never seen the leader relinquish their position when it comes to “leading into battle” before. It just goes to show the staff really do pay attention to how popular Doppo is.

Note “Doppo” means “walk alone”, roughly speaking, hence the “solitary” line.

This song is very, very faithful to its original lyrics, because I was trying to look at Hifumi’s “mixing paint” line and it pretty much matches.

Hifumi’s “my men”, LOL.

Kazuha = “one leaf”, hence the “leaves” in one of Jakurai’s lines.

I cringe every time I hear screaming coming from this episode, y’know…?

…oh dear. MTC’s plot actually bled into MTR’s.

I already knew from browsing Twitter earlier today that Kizuna was going to become FP’s today, but hearing it is another matter entirely.

Kosuke Miyoshi is Kazuha. Apparently, this guy also voiced Mashirao Ojiro (the tail guy) from BnHA, but that’s his only major role…so I was right in that I knew him, but wrong in that he was, again, a relative rookie in comparison to most.

Apparently FP’s sign is a peace sign sideways to represent an F, but…it’s just a sideways peace sign to me…

…how is Dice’s bead ornament attached to him? Is it on his hair, on his ear, on the skin behind his ear…? I was trying to replicate his outfit and got stuck on how to represent it, so I ended up opting for trying (and failing) to do a small braid on the right side.

IWGP shows up this season…it’s the song with the “hoo!” noise BB perform in this episode.

LOL, “Dead men tell no tales” is a perfect saying for MTC.

Akudama 6

Is there a movie called “Brother”…? There’s apparently one that’s the plural of that, but not that itself.

If HypMic likes the F bomb, then Akudama like the S word.

I-Is it just me or is the choreography sped up at some points in this episode…? It’s a bit disorienting to come back to.

I thought the kid was a robot…but close enough.

Oh no! Why does the teacher always have to die for the student to become stronger???

Kairaku/shugi -> pleasure/doctrine (if I didn’t somehow misunderstand the shark’s kanji combo),

The part after the ED looks a little too long…keep watching.

The Japanese says “Lost Children”, but the English says “The City of Lost Children”, probably referring to this French sci-fi film.

I7 s2 6

I like how Gaku is taking special offence to Yamato’s comments about him being a playboy.

Re:vale-san. I never noticed until now.

“I’m already looking forward to it.” That’s how I would translate Tsumugi’s “I’m already excited”.

“…who could possibly complain?” – I think Mitsuki might.

The pun in the MEZZO show is that tai (group/squad) sounds the same as tai (want to ~). Rabbinsta is obviously Instagram + Rabbit (Chat?).

Oh my gosh! It’s the Yotsuba sister!

Mitsuki’s shopping trip OST is nice, man. This piano.

This episode has a really great sense of danger and foreboding for the future.

I7 s2 7

Perfection Gimmick. Never heard it in the anime before.

Even the ramen house’s name is a play on “Idolish7”.

LOL, Yamato sure turned that comment around.

The sign talking about beer says something about coupons below it. (It went by too fast and my CR app’s kinda fiddly, so I can’t really go back…)

Kimi to Ai na Night (pun on Idolish7, aka “AiNana”, again).

Mitsuki, no one hates you! You’re just imagining it all!

I7 s2 8

Momo hugely resembles Sasara, right down to the highlights on the hair…

“…you’re so handsome…” – I’m dying on the inside here, people! *laps up the BL pandering with a derpy smile on my face*

Banri and Tsumugi haven’t been focussed on lately…they’re clearly doing something regarding Banri’s ties with Re:vale, but I can’t quite figure out what that “something” is.

Why is there a basketball and a football in the back of the Takanashi office…?

Please don’t run in heels, Tsumugi…

“I love Idolish7!” - Ah, despite my quibbles, Tsumugi is good after all.

“making one’s best exertions” – Why do those words on the cup worry me a bit…?

Isn’t “I’m watching you” a creepy statement…?

Apparently Tamaki’s symbol is mp (mezzo pianissimo), hence Sougo’s words.

…my gosh! Aya’s foster father is Kujou?!

I7 s2 9

If I heard it right, Tenn’s line was “I can be your idol”, not “your prince”.

“Older Izumi” - …ah, poor Mitsuki.

“Damn you, sexy beast…” – LOL!

…aw, I think this is the first time my heart has been lightened by Tsunashi’s laugh. He’s a good boy.

The chibis…I’m still trying to get used to them…

As a song once said, “You can’t please everyone so you just gotta please yourself.” (Blah blah blah, something about garden parties…)

Takao what now???...okay, Takao Dayuu.

…You’re lucky that wasn’t Tenn doing Takao Dayuu. It would’ve been very “Gentaro does his courtesan voice” if it was.

Nagi doesn’t overpronounce things as much in this season. It’s…pleasant, actually. Give me more of that.

Nagi’s “Oh my god!” was hilarious.

Taiso 5

Ra (ら) and ro (ろ) look kinda similar in hiragana.

Even without the audio, I can guess the words were “yarubeki koto” (things you should do) -> shachihoko.

The texts are written in gyaru-moji. Gyaru-moji is basically indecipherable to anyone who doesn’t know how it works – kind of like the common teen vernacular, to be honest (LOL…?) – and so the subs actually kind of ruin the confusingness of it all, but they did slightly better when they went “UR”.

Movie shiritori! But…has it really been half a year since Leo started? I feel slightly robbed about that plotline with the Men in Black right now…(then again, HypMic is just as bad about important plotlines, if not worse, so…I’m going to be patient and not complain.)

July 5th…Rei is a Cancer…?

They’re…finally moving on this Men in Black plotline! I only complained two points ago! Thank you, staff, for listening to my complaints (…?).

Moon Land finished recently, so I wonder if I’ll lose interest in this anime from here on out…? There was a Pommel Horse Prince in that.

Moon Land taught me that gymnastics has a lot of skills named after their creators, much like the Aragaki previously. The score is out of 10 for both D (difficulty) and E (execution), meaning a 20 is the best you can do, but the judges can get really picky...

The word for “vault” literally means “leaping/jumping horse”…makes sense.

Some of these names are names I’m familiar with from Moon Land already…but I never remember what the skills look like.

…welp, Leo just proved he really is a ninja after all.

Dr Stone’s s2 had its ED announced to be “Koe?” by Hatena and “Yume?” here really makes a theme…does Hatena give all their song titles question marks on the end?

Taiso 6

Colour gangs? Like in IWGP?

It’s nice to see they’re (Jotaro and Rei) communicating properly for the first time in possibly this entire anime.

On the wall, that thing is an evacuation map…of some sort.

…I’ve always wondered: if a bird eats chicken, does that count as cannibalism?

This is like thw Makkachin incident all over again (in YoI).

“…there’s no reason for you to grin and bear it.”

…Leo and Jotaro, both are so dense! Boys *shakes head*.

BB? More like ET (LOL)!

Maou-jou 5

…I didn’t even notice the cast was all dudes bar the princess at this point.

Tatakau Onnatachi. It could mean “fighting women” or “female warriors”.

I’m still vaguely pissed that Kirito is here under my nose…darn Demon King!!!

One of the harpy’s recent worries was that she wanted to become friends with the princess…That’s kinda cute…

Didn’t Syalis already get the coffin that one time? Or did it get confiscated?

*eyes sparkle* Cloud…I’d like to sleep on a cloud…*dreamy look on face* Cloud.

This is basically Princess, ‘Tis Time for Torture in reverse.

Is it “make do” or “make due”…?

I don’t think I need to explain the joke where the harpy is happy.

Gendo pose!

I wonder if the bed or the sheets will talk to her (Syalis) someday?

Maou-jou 6

The New Gearbolt’s quote is “guruguru dokkan”, which is just a bunch of sound effects. It would translate to something like “whir-whir-thud”.

Underwear episodes are some of the worst episodes ever…they’re so juvenile…I dropped at least one series based on the underwear episode alone.

Ah! The seal on the ice monster’s shoulder! Too cute!

How can a mechanical princess mecha (…thing?) have worries?

LOL, never underestimate the hilarity of the teddy demons ganging up on the Demon King.

I like how the Japanese pointed out the demons only moved the princess.

HypMic 8

I thought the robberies were Kazuha’s doing…? Or is this a separate case?

Samatoki answering his phone with his feet up…LOL, there’s just something funny about it. It shows he’s just so badass, he can get away with it.

Riou’s hacking (?) skills come to the fore again. (Or is that listening to enemy intel?)

Ooh, Iris is sassy. I love her already.

…er, Samatoki? Blowing cigarette smoke into Jyuto’s face is just rude…

“…don’t hang up your gloves.” – Considering Jyuto has his red gloves…LOL.

What the heck is that backing track when the 2nd car moved out? That’s a cool track.

Ah! Iris is a Saburo-type…LOL, Saburo’s fake identity.

“a cop who’s in with the yakuza” - Wow, way to diss your own teammate, Samatoki.

For a guy who was only just in the water, Riou doesn’t even look wet.

“2 DIE 4” – Hmm? So did the anime staff know what Riou’s 2nd round song title was at the time…? Update: Judging by the name “Requiem” dropped in the next episode, I would say yes.

“…f*** the police…” - Wow, way to diss your own teammate, Samatoki. X2

Hmm? In Riou’s rap bit near the end, he goes “mad warrior” and that rhymes (in a very loose way of speaking) with “Mad Trigger”. The English didn’t keep that.

I remember seeing a spoiler which said that line (the one about slaves)…but seriously, Jyuto is such a “sexy revenge cop” (as someone once said – I think it might be Slug, or an anon to Slug) that literally nothing else seems to matter about him.

Why do they subtitle the laughing??? I still have no idea.

“Sgt. Iruma”? The guy just says “Iruma-san”. Is he a sergant or some other rank? Update: Yes. (As in, he is a sergant.)

I’ve never actually seen Ramuda sleep in a bed before, come to think of it. Does he not have a bed?

I would assume Gentaro is going…but he said he won’t be going, then negated that and then negated it again. Unless the 2nd time was him admitting it was a lie the first time…is he going or not???

“shinsetsu no human” – (Spoilers for later on/manga)…Yes, that’s actually what Ramuda says. It’s as if Ramuda subtly admits, right there, he isn’t human.

Nodo = throat…If this were translated more literally, it would sound pretty clunky.

“…rappa no inochi…paa!” – Yep, the subbers got the gist of the joke there.

Dice is basically a worm at this point…He’s squirming like one, anyway.

That “number of pips facing up” thing has got to be foreshadowing for something, y’know? Nothing in a story ever goes to waste. Also, it’s likely the dice are weighted or something…

…yep, there you go.

That voice Gentaro used for “I despise lies” was amusing…because it’s so different to his normal voice, and because Gentaro is a serial liar.

The 2nd song…which I already know is called “JACKPOT” from browsing Twitter earlier today…was a bunch of fun.

Udagawacho.

Hmm…emphasis on the candy. I wonder what that means? (<- already knows, I just want to keep it a secret from you, dear reader, if you don’t know it too)

ANIME SHOP is so clearly a pun on Animate, including the colours, that I can’t even…LOL.

FP’s Kizuna sounds distinctly different to the others…probably because of Ramuda. It’s mostly Ramuda carrying the tune there.

“Life is what you make it.” – Hmm, an interesting quote for sure.

HypMic 9

…welp, they don’t call it Fling Posse for nothin’.

I didn’t believe my ears, so I went and listened to it again. Sure enough, Ichiro calls Jakurai -san, not -sensei.

Ramuda’s normal voice! Things are getting serious~!

“Hifuming”? Is that a deliberate choice on the translators’ part? Or is it a mishearing?

…I’m laughing at how Samatoki called Ichiro a “hypocritical piece of s***”. I know the “s***” part is correct at minimum from the audio.

I believe Samatoki said -san, not -sama when he asked for an honorific. Hmm, interesting.

I knew this would get animated, but…I still can’t believe I’m watching it! Amazing…absolutely amazing.

If you’re wondering…yes, that long thing is her entire title and name. It’s said the name “Kadenokouji” is the longest Japanese surname in existence.

I remember reading a tweet earlier today that said somebody wanted “Altercation! Altercation! Altercation!” as a song title…and now I LOL, because the subbers made Gentaro say the exact same word.

Hmm…I only just noticed BB are the only ones with bags. They probably came last, but who took the others’ bags into Chuoku…? Update: Some of the others did have bags, I just never spotted them. For instance, Riou is carrying a large black rectangular bag, but Samatoki and Jyuto don’t have any. Jakurai has the bag from his TDD days.

The 2nd DRB brackets got announced today. BB vs DH, MTR vs BAT, FP vs MTC, rolling out across Japan (and Japan only due to COVID) in 2021.

“What happened between you and him?” - I was going “who?” in Cantonese (as I sometimes do), but turns out they’re just referring to Samatoki.

This is exactly as it played out in the drama tracks and manga…exactly what I was waiting for all this time! So good, dangit!

LOL, in the future, we will have camera drones working our concerts like they do in the DRBs…I think (?)

I wonder what Dice is thinking right now, seeing Otome on the screen…hmm…

…gah! Airhorn! Airhorn to the ears! *tilts to side due to sound*

I still kind of remember Slug’s take on the final battle…”The popo? More like the poopoo!” (or something like that). *sniggers*

The little barking bit after Jiro’s verse was…kinda cute, actually.

…ow, these are some burn-ass words. See? This is the power of the DRB!

…eh? Riou’s mic has his MC name on it. Don’t think I’ve seen that in any other part of the series.

Hoh, Riou even made references to Saburo’s character songs.

You can see “Hc” on Samatoki’s mic too…probably another case of his MC name, but partially obscured by his hand.

Aw, “Samatoki no sabaku toki” is a good lyric. Why couldn’t you try to keep that, instead of translating it literally to “judgement day for Samatoki”?

You can hear a thumping beat in the background when Samatoki prepares himself. That seems to be a similar way to how ARB treats this stuff.

“I’m THE Samatoki” – “Samatoki-sama da”.

I think it was really cool to show Samatoki handing the song over to Riou, but it also indicates there’s a disjunct in the lyrics that would cause such a thing. From this, maybe Riou is MTC’s weak link…?

Skeletons with katanas! Is that not cool?!?

…hey, that joined words thing Ichiro does…I would assume that’s what Rhyme Strike looks like in the HypMic universe?

Notice Samatoki took the word “signal” from Ichiro’s part and put it into his own one.

“Today is a good day to die.” – *eyes bulge* Oh…gosh. What a quote. Update: Someone theorised Ichijiku wrote these titles (the last 2), but someone else – like me – theorised this quote was what FP and M fans thought for this battle.

Akudama 7

…that’s one twisted kid.

Never threaten to kill a kid who can regenerate far better than you, Hoodlum.

Brawler is still in the OP…it’s kind of saddening to see him now.

I noticed a certain character appears on the Executioners’ hands if you pause at the right moment in the OP. It’s the first character in shori (management).

Bunny: set meal/Shark: roasted meat (yakiniku)

…This sounds a heck of a lot like the genbaku dome (Hiroshima Peace Park).

Bunny and Shark’s shirts together: Idiot -> Shark: Bone

Actually, this also reminds me of the Osaka Expo held in 1970. I loved writing about that event – it was just so fun to write about.

This anime is like Appare-Ranman’s sequel, except without the racing and crazy racial stereotypes (although there are still crazy stereotypes).

…whoa! This scene is going on the end of year list for sure. Just…have to remember this scene, where all the children disappeared, exists.

…”The City of Lost Children” is an apt title for this episode.

(HypMic spoilers!) I wonder if they’ll reveal that Ramuda is a clone in what’s left of the HypMic anime?

…oof, Doctor’s a filthy traitor!

Rule number 1 of fighting: never yell out “Smokescreen!” when the smokescreen is meant to cover you.

…LOL, dark censorship bar. Please wait for the Blu-Rays to see this scene uncensored.

What the heck?! The countdown went from 7 to 0 so fast!

Akudama 8

Black Rain, huh? *checks* It’s a movie about a pair of New York policemen who have to save a Japanese gangster from his death.

…don’t jinx it, Swindler!

Your brother isn’t on the moon, Sister. It’s just your dreams on there.

Notice “Neo Lake Biwa” actually has “Reiku” in its name, as opposed to, say, “mizuumi” or “ike” (the Japanese equivalent).

You can still see where Doctor stitched herself up.

What did Doctor “hold on to”?

Way to monologue through the whole morality thing… (<- not as satisfied as they would like from this scene)

I wonder if the seal is electronically tracked…

Tsubo = pot, vase…*thinks about drugs* (Not that pot.)

“…I’ll make you into a real man.” – More like a eunuch, LOL. (partially sarcastic)

I recall from Sarazanmai that “pair look” is the term for “twinsies” in Japanese.

Oh! Swindler kind of looks like the Executioner Boss now.

…I find it ironic that Swindler had long hair up until not too long ago.

Can to the eye! Ouch! That’s gotta be worse than a lightsaber…er, jitte to the eye!

This makes me wonder…was Courier a rich kid once…?

[jthiskey]

J.T. Hiskey And Lil B Raise Significant Money For BLM

jt hiskey

Q: Please introduce yourself to the readers and how you first got into this field of work –and who were some of your influences growing up?

j.t. hiskey

I’m Louie. I’ve always been into music. I was influenced by Twisted Sister, Guns n Roses, then Metallica, Black Sabbath, and Nirvana, then punk bands like The Ramones, Nofx, and The Riverdales, then got into Ritchie Blackmore and Peter Green.

jthiskey

I’m Jose. My parents introduced me to different musical styles from their vast LP record collection and from the radio when I was growing up. From The Beatles to Styx to Lionel Richie and Cindy Laupner. Then as I got older I gravitated to Sound Garden, Pearl Jam, Veruca Salt, Blink 182, Fuel, Oasis, Sum 41, Creed.

Q: What kind of training have you had, if any?

Louie: I took a guitar class in high school, one in college, and had 1 month of singing lessons.

Jose: I had music lessons with the Accordion, the Guitar but didn’t keep up with them. Q: What has been your favorite project to work on so far?

Jose: Equine abduction…

Louie: The Manhattan Project. just kidding. Q: What sports do you enjoy watching?

Louie: hockey, hockey, and hockey.

Jose: Basketball Q: What is it that you are hoping to accomplish?

Jose: We want to share our music with the world in the hope that they enjoy it. We hope that it might touch someone in a profound way or encourage them to keep on going despite the challenges they may face.

Louie: I’m hoping to accomplish having music being my life and having people hearing my/our music. Q: What has been one of the biggest highlights/achievements of your career so far?

Louie: Being played on the radio. Jose: And we really loved having someone doing a cover of one of our songs. To see it for yourself someone really digging your song was just amazing to see. Q: If you had a chance to work alongside anybody who would that be?

Louie: Anybody famous, haha

Jose: Really anybody who is serious about doing something special, would be an honor Q: What is your creative process like?

Jose: There’s usually something that affects my emotional state or story I want to express. I’ll write it down or text it to myself. As I work on the lyrics or a chorus or group of words that sounds great, I’ll then bounce it across Louie. He has the mind to really pick things apart and find better words that make the song lyrically singable and playable on the guitar. I don’t know chords so I have to reproduce the sound that I have in my head and Louie can pick up very quickly the chord I’m looking for. There have been many times where he will hit a chord by mistake and I’m like Wait, Play that Again! That’s perfect! Sometimes, we work on songs for as little as half an hour or hour and other times up to a month of constant back and forth. We record it on our phones and listen to it, work on it more to really perfect it and practice it for Recording at Sonic Palace Studios.

Louie: My creative process varies. Sometimes I’ll have a vocal melody in my head or a topic I want to write about, and I’ll make music to fit that. Or sometimes I’ll have a guitar riff or melody and work around that. Other times I’ll hear a song or riff, and it’ll “inspire” me (read: ripoff, haha) Q: Are there any funny stories during practice or recording?

Louie: A funny story was you writing what you thought the lyrics for mothers’ smiles were, compared to what they actually were.

Jose: Yeah I remember that I thought I heard the words right but was way off. I also remember there I was struggling to get “The last party of the Summer” down pat and Louie was like, ‘hey you’re getting caught between the lines’. And I looked dead set at him when he suggested to change it up to make it easier for me, and I said, “I don’t wanna change the song just because I can’t sing it.” We cracked up and I listen to that blooper and it cracks me up every time. Q: How do you feel the Internet has impacted the music business?

Jose: The internet has made things easier for indie artists to show their artistic side, whether it’s in music or any other form. You can have an idea, record it digitally and share it with the world almost instantly. I feel the music industry has controlled things to their own detriment and the detriment of artists. Now anyone can make music and be heard around the world, get paid for their music without labels hogging it all.

Louie: I think the internet killed the radio star. That whole file-sharing royalties issue exposed a lot of artists as greedy, “in-it-for-the-money”, and, as image is very important to popular music, it was very damaging to the “rock n roll image”. On the other hand, the internet is fantastic for artists who just want their music to be heard. Q: What would you change in the industry if you could?

Jose: The major problems that artists face when trying to share their music is funding, time, and the resources to really have an impact in reaching listeners. Being independent means it’s all on you to do everything to make your music, get gigs, sell your songs, collaborate with other artists etc. There has got to be a better way for the industry which really won’t change due to their greed. If you removed that element, you would see more artists featured that have great music to share to the world that you wouldn’t otherwise hear in today’s music paradigm. It would be great if artists that were really successful, support other artists with a fund that they could use to make their music. I would support that.

The major hurdle for indie artists are just getting people to listen to your stuff. Radio is still king and even with all of the online platforms it’s hard to get people to listen to your stuff. There is just so many other bands out there with great music that I’m still discovering until this day. The industry pushes those out for whom and only whom THEY want to elevate, really those that can make them the most money.

Louie: If I could change the music industry, I’d slow it down. Not tempo-wise, but the music industry runs its artists into the ground. The constant touring, and deadlines, stuff like “you need to have this album released by this date” kinda suppresses creativity. Let them have a break. Give them time to write good songs. Q: What is the best advice you’ve been given?

That you can do things yourself. It takes hard work, time and energy but it’s worth it in the end to be able to create things and mold things to how you want them, just not how others would bend it into towards their vision. Don’t waste time or mental energy on those who are flakey or really don’t fully support what you are trying to do. Q: What’s next for you?

Louie and I will continue to record and release singles, collaborate with other artists to record songs and release more singles and maybe a few more albums. It would be easier to concentrate on our music if we could put our jobs and bills on pause. But Life keeps rolling along and we are trying to hold on during its ride. Despite it all we will keep on Rockin!

[grimelords]

I’ve finished my September playlist, only almost a month later. It’s got everything, The Weeknd, desert psychedelica from Niger, and Australian yodelling from 1941. What more could you want!

listen here

and if you’re interested, sign up for my tinyletter to get these playlists delivered to your inbox here

XO / The Host / Initiation - The Weeknd: First of all Trilogy is a masterpiece. The Weeknd is a legend forever for this alone. Back when he was an anonymous character and before he tried to pivot to being a proper pop star and started beliving his own bullshit. This trio of songs for me is one of the highlights of the whole thing because this is where things really take a turn and it serves as a nice flipside to earlier songs like Glass Table Girls (even quoting some of the lyrics from it in a very cool reprise). Where most of the songs from House Of Balloons are about his own descent into this hedonistic life, by the time you get to Echoes Of Silence he lives there comfortably, and he's turned from cool,  dark and tormented to coldly evil and calculating. He's the master of the dark palace and he's drawing this woman in. The chorus of XO is straight up cult language 'all we ever do is love, open up your mind you can find the love'. She's broke and addicted trying to escape her life and he offers her this community. Which is where Initation comes in and things get really dark. This song feels like the real truth of those stories you hear of Drake flying instagram models around and it's a masterpiece of the dark underside of the drugs money and models bragging you're used to.

Sociopath (feat. Kash Doll) - Pusha T: Get a load of this new Pusha song where he's got Rodney Dangerfield ghostwriting for him. I got a bitch that'll master your card.. my wife ova hea!! Also the funny gritted teeth way he says it cracks me up. He also says boop bop be boop bop. There's so many good moments in this very silly song from a man that is normally terrifyingly serious.

Ice Cream - Muscles: I suddenly remembered this song the other day and I'm so glad I did. A good example of how you can get so much feeling out of music that has no relation at all to the lyrics. In the right mood this song makes me so emotional and I can't even pin down why. The way he sings 'ice cream is going to save the day' somehow just makes the urban alienation of the verse even more pointed. It's such a silly little dance song and that's what's so strong about it. It's dancing at night and unsuccessfully trying to forget what happened today.

Running - Gil Scott Heron & Jamie xx: It’s extremely strange that this remix album ever happened, thinking back on it. Stranger still that a Gil Scott Heron song got remixed by Jamie xx and then remixed again by 40 and turned into a Drake song in I’ll Take Care Of U and all three versions rock. Anyway, this song and this whole album remain fantastic - it still sounds futuristic in a way where nobody else really followed Jamie’s sound, everything else went a different direction so this an In Colour feel more and more unique to me as time goes on.

Boyfriend (Repeat) - Confidence Man: I’m in love with this album. It’s the closest I’ve found so far to the level of absolute fun in dance music since Duck Sauce’s album. I love the the attitude of her lyrics, which carries through the whole album. I love when her Australian accent peeks out for a second on a few words. I love his rebuttals that almost but not quite put it over the edge into a comedy song. I love the big fading out leadup to the drop near the end where a huge throat singing drone just swallows the whole song for a second.

Ever Again (Soulwax Remix) - Robyn: Extremely hot remix alert!! Thankyou to Zan Rowe's Monthly Mixtape playlist for putting my onto this.Sometimes all you need is one ferociously hot bassline to make a life complete.

$50 Million - !!!: !!!’s new album has one of the best covers I’ve seen recently, I advise you to check it out. It’s interesting to be so far into your career (this is their 8th album since 2001) and still be writing songs about selling out, a concept which has largely disappeared from music discourse since musicians started making no money post napster. I vaguely remember the turning point being when Kimya Dawson, after blowing up via the Juno soundtrack, turned down a coke ad for a ludicrous amount and the blogosphere at the time turned on her and said she should have taken the money because she was living in a van at the time. Nobody gives a fuck about selling out anymore because bands make more from tshirts than streams so you’ve got to act like a brand just to make a living. Anyway I’ve gotten off track. This song rocks, especially for the breakdown near the end.

Tipped Hat - The Paper Scissors: A song I haven’t heard in over ten years that suddenly popped into my head the other day. I love the way this guy’s voice sounds, just completely committing to sounding like a hand puppet. I’ve been playing bass a lot more recently and so have developed the worst man habit of becoming more sensitive to and pointing out extremely hot basslines to people, so I’d be derelict in my duty to not share this one.

Heimsdalgate Like A Promethian Curse - of Montreal: I love this song about literally pleading with your brain to come good. Here’s a good quote about this album “I went through this chemical depression, and that's when I was writing a lot of the songs for Hissing Fauna. They're all songs about that experience. And I was experiencing it in the moment that I was writing the songs, and sort of asking myself: What the hell is going on? Why are you all of a sudden totally paranoid and plagued by these anxieties? And why is everything so distorted and confusing and fucked up? My lifestyle hadn't changed that much. And then I realized, well, there's something going on inside of me that I don't have control over, and then you realize how vulnerable you are to these things, these elements that you can't understand, or unless you go on medication and get it under control. It's like you're being betrayed by your body.” Something I really admire about this album is that the lyrics reflect black metal levels of mental anguish, he was absolutely going through it the worst anyone can go through it “I'd gotten to that point where nothing was working. I was borderline suicidal, and my relationship with my girlfriend had totally eroded and she'd gone back to Norway with our daughter and everything was totally fucked, and I was just like, What can I do? "The Past Is a Grotesque Animal" is about that.” But the music is one hundred percent committedly twee and I really admire the effect that that split mood gives. “The lyrics tell the story of what was really going on and the music sort of represents this other emotion that I wish existed. The music was really happy because I wanted to make something that would lift my spirits.”

Jesus Rabbit - Guerilla Toss: I love the wobbly weird bass sound in this weirdo UFO cult song. I love the bleepy bloop melody that runs through it and I love how fundamentally unstable the whole song sounds, like it’s made out of paperclips and foil and papier mache.

Suburbia - Press Club: I can’t believe I didn’t know about Press Club for so long. I only found out about them this performance https://youtu.be/bCmtc-T5Unk which I’m shocked to learn has less than 5k views considering it’s one of the very best TV performances I’ve ever seen.

Come For Me - Sunflower Bean: I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this song before and I’m probably going to say the exact same thing but who cares! This song fuckin rocks. I love how assured it is, like “if you’re gonna fuck me then stop fucking around and fuck me already.” It also feels so musically similar to I Can Hardly Make You Mine by Cults to me, which is a great excuse for me to listen to that song every single time I listen to this song.

Thousands - Club Night: This Club Night album is really really good. It's like a really nice middleground between midwest emo and Cymbals Eat Guitars. The way this song blows up halfway through with 'what if we want it!!' is so good. This whole band feels like they're from 2009 but in a good way, the tail end of indie and twee with these prog or postrock structures where the songs just go and go, and you can just get completely lost in it.

Cemetary - Brutus: The first thing you've got to know about Brutus is the drummer is also the singer. Normally who plays what is not really important but in this case I think it's very important because it makes the drums a lead instrument more than they normally would be. When she's not singing my focus is still on the drums because they're linked and I absolutely love it. This song is great and every song I've heard of theirs is just as good, I love Brutus and they're one of the best new bands I've found recently. Someone in the youtube comments said 'there's something really special about hearing a song for the first time and just knowing you're going to listen to it hundreds of times in your life.'

Enter By The Narrow Gates / Spirit Narrative - Circle Takes The Square: I think that I think of Circle Takes The Square as a household name just because they have such an outsized importance in my own life when they're definitely not at all. They're legendary for making The screamo (good kind) album in As The Roots Undo and then taking 8 years to make a followup, which is this album Decompositions, but I don't really know if they're well known outside of like, people who have opinions about what were the hottest music blogspots in 2010. I chose both of these because you can't really have one without the other, the whole album basically runs as one long piece of music and so this just kind of jarringly ends at the end of Spirit Narrative, sorry about that please listen to the entire album. Because of the status As The Roots Undo enjoys I feel like this album was kind of ignored, or overshadowed by the reputation it was trying to live up to, almost exactly like The Avalanches with Since I Left You and Wildflower, when just like Wildflower it's a more expansive, developed take on the original sound that trades some of the rawness for a more polished and considered approach and comes out arguably better than the orginal. I feel like I have so much to say about this album but I don't really know where to begin, just listen to it.

Vitrification Of Blood (Pt. 1) - Blood Incantation: I am by no means a metal scholar, but I know that when the word 'blood' is in both the song title AND the band name that means it's good metal. I love this song, and this whole album is great. It's very 'classic' death metal but there's touches (beyond the extreme length) of psychedelica as well that puts it on another level you can just get lost in. The way the guitar goes to space at 3:40, and again properly into orbit at 6:50 is just magical. The more I listen to this band the more I understand those guys who only listen to metal, there's a whole ecosystem in here and it's really got everything you need.

Out Of Line - Gesaffelstein: This whole song is basically intended as an intro for Pursuit on the album but it’s so powerful just on its own. I love imbuing weirdo lyrics like ‘a bitter sunken love in a bleach blonde submarine’ with such ominous power through the commanding delivery. I love the way the big grunting vocals on the offbeat build to sound like a summoning ritual. I love making a big processed bell the centrepiece of your extremely evil sounding song. It’s sort of a shame that Gessaffelstein has never really gone back to the vision of his first album and has spent his time since diluting it down for guest production on Weeknd songs and the like because it feels like there’s still so much more to get out of this sound. That he hasn’t gone back and dug deeper makes Aleph stand out more and more as a singular masterpiece as time goes on.  

Kamane Tarhanin - Mdou Moctar: Turning to Mdou Moctar after the new Tinariwen album kind of disappointed me, with all it’s big name guests nothing really hit me. I love this song though and I think a big part of it is the sort of loping, 6/4 rhythm that combined with the drone gives it this feeling of endlessly tumbling over itself in place, especially as the guitar heats up.

Achabiba - Fatou Seidi Ghali: I know very little about Fatou Seidi Ghali except that I saw she was supporting Sarah Louise at a show. From some googling it turns out that she’s the leader of a Nigerois band called Les Filles de Illeghadad who you can probably look forward to seeing on next month’s playlist. I also learned that the demonym for someone from Niger is Nigerien or to minimise confusion with Nigeria, Nigerois (said in a french way). They play a sort of desert psych in the realm of Mdou Mocter or Tinariwen, but this song (also the only solo song she has on spotify) shows her acoustic side. I love the swirling melody over the drone as the hand percussion keeps it in place and I love the very delicate vocals, but a probably unintentional thing I love a lot about this recording is the unmistakable iphone locking sound near the very start that instantly removes so much of the mystic exoticism that these sorts of artists are often written about with and places it firmly in the same sprawling modern world we all live in.

Floating Rhododendron - Sarah Louise: I love Sarah Louise. She’s a phenomenal guitarist and has such a big love for traditional folk music with her side project House And Land, but unlike everyone else in the genre is also very interested in pushing guitar forward to new and strange places. Her latest album was super experimental layered electric guitars and voice that still managed to maintain the deep connection to nature that runs through all her work. I would also highly recommend following her on instagram because her passion runs over. She’s regularly just out in the woods somewhere explaining how wonderful a particular mushroom is.  This song one of the first ones I ever heard from her, and it’s back when she was just doing very beautiful 12 string acoustic work, but she recently added it to spotify and it’s a very nice reminder of where she came from and how far she’s gone in such a short time.

Lark - Angel Olsen: The new Angel Olsen is absolutely great. I love how much she is just completely going for it on this album, absolutely unleashing. Taken against earlier songs of hers I’ve loved like White Fire, where the majesty was in her quiet power and the ability to absolutely command silence with a whisper quiet song, this song feels like the direct inverse, an about-turn into all the gigantic majesty of swirling strings and top of your lungs vocals - going all out and leaving nothing on the table. The way this song blows up about three different times until by the end you’re caught in this gigantic swirling maelstrom of screaming sound is just out of this world.

Door - Caroline Polachek: Caroline Polachek’s brain is huge. When I first heard the chorus of this song I couldn't believe it. Are you allowed to have a chant that runs in a spiral like this be the chorus of your pop song? Is that allowed?

North, South, East And West - The Church: The Church feel like they don't get enough respect. They don't seem to be in the same league as Cold Chisel and The Angels and all the other dad rock Australian bands from that era for some reason. They're very good though and I've been really getting into this whole album and this song specifically lately. Maybe what's working against them is just how much his voice sounds like Bono's in this song but surely that was a boon at the time!

Western Questions - Timber Timbre: This has become one of my new favourite songs to sing. The way the words fit together is my favourite kind of poetics where they just sound incredible, phonetically, and can mean anything you like for large chunks. Like “the gelatinous walls of the seeds that seldom remain / while the bulls are  browsing needles through computer casinos / honour the name”. Especially “bulls are browsing needles through computer casinos” is just extremely nice to say. I love the character of this song and am yet to completely understand what it’s saying other than personifying some worldwide blackpilled spirit of nihilist evil. What I love is the experience of all encompassing evil in this song, like a worldwide conspiracy connecting everything together that makes it all make sense. It doesn’t make you happier but it makes it make sense. I also love the finality of the big fill near the end that ushers in the outro riff that ties everything up.

Cold Cold World - Blaze Foley: I got heavily into a country music thing this month and spent a bit of time trying to find ‘real’ country, which of course turns out not to exist at all. The entirety of country music is built on a false nostalgia for an imagined time long past when things were real, some unspecified time in the collective consciousness between cowboy times and coal mine times. I don’t say this to say ‘country music is a fraud’ but that it’s built on a foundation of myth and that’s what’s so good about it. It’s constantly reframing the past as it relates to the present and is energised by the friction between them. Blaze Foley is a good example of this in the modern era because he seems to exist more as a myth than a man. He had three studio albums, the master tapes of which all disappeared through various means (lost, stolen, seized by the DEA) and so the majority of his surviving material is live recordings or long-lost studio recordings that resurfaced decades after his death when his fame and mythology already preceded him. He also thankfully lives up to the myth, he was truly a great artist and it’s a shame more of him hasn’t survived.

Where The Golden Wattle Blooms / Why Did The Blue Skies Turn Grey  - Shirley Thoms: Further to what I was saying about country music before, Australian country is a whole other thing. Transferring the myth and the mythmaking to a new location adds another layer of abstraction. Shirley Thoms was the first female solo act to record country music in Australia in 1941 and was most notable for her yodelling of which she is damn fine. This is a great song and a good a starting point as any in trying to trace the origin of country music in Australia. That it's so english in its identity, so evidently imitating an american style (which is in turn imitating a german yodel) is just more good evidence that nothing is 'real' and traditions of the past and future are malleable at all times.

Talkin’ Karate Blues - Townes Van Zandt: Townes Van Zandt is widely regarded as a songwriter’s songwriter and one of the best country songwriters to ever live, but like a lot of great country songwriters also has one or two songs like this - strange comedy songs about learning karate and getting your arm ripped off.

Strange Tourist - Gareth Liddiard: This album is a masterpiece on the level of Ys and it feels criminally underlistened in my opinion. Luckily in the last week or so some renegade has done up the wiki article on it to a couple of thousand words so that's a start. Because this is a song I've listened to one million times and love a lot, it's hard for me to write about it in a general way so instead I'm going to talk about something very specific and new that I've only begun to appreciate recently. The way he uses the vowels of the japanese words to create these assonant runs in lines like "Koda Kumi sang a coda pink as sarin gas / I took a trip to Nagasaki in a rented Mitsubishi / Then went camping in the Jukai under Mount Fuji" and "They found him frozen in a hollow in Aokigahara forest where them harakiri weirdos go" is really something, and a nice illustration of the two sides of Liddiard's songwriting: densely technical poetics in a song about living with a housemate who was a real freak.

I Dream A Highway - GIllian Welch: I’m not even going to go into the lyrics of this because it’s such an out of this world perfect song but I’m going to say this: it’s really something that this song goes for nearly 15 minutes, sits on the same three chords the whole time and never ever feels long. This song is longer than Emily by Joanna Newsom but doesn’t feel like an epic of the same scale at all. It’s just a mournful slow ode to change and decay that goes on forever and could keeping going on for twice as long if it wanted to.

Deep Water - The Middle East: The way the vocals in the verses are delivered, trailing off and mumbling bits and pieces is somehow magical, like it’s more interested in communicating the gist and the feeling than the actual words. You can just pick whatever part of it you like. Petrol stations and a copper mine, the kind of place I think I could die. This song also has two minutes of silence at the end for album reasons so enjoy that.

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