#and the way people are talking about it sounds a lot like december 2019

[end-fall]

Something I've been wondering more and more about in the last few years is if this what people in the stories we tell about the apocalypse felt like. I don't think so. So often when we talk about the apocalypse it happens fast, a quick and violent transition from Before to After. They don't often get a chance to see it coming, for it to happen so slowly that everyone convinces themselves that it isn't happening. The chance to see the car crash coming, but be powerless to stop it because the people driving the car are too busy telling you nothing is wrong to steer you out of the way. I wonder if it's wrong to be so convinced that this is the End, but I don't know what other conclusion I'm supposed to come to. We won't go out with a bang, but with a wimper. I'm just sad we didn't get one of the fun apocalypses.

[scarletcomalies]

bigger than the whole sky

Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Word count: 5,438

Warnings: Angst, unspecified legal age gap. This is pretty much about Natasha being mourned over and remembered as she deserves. What better day to post than on her birthday?

On December 3rd, you recalled all the wonderful memories you had created with your partner.

June 18th, 2019

Half of humanity was gone.

Each day, you woke up to a world where the sun shone as brightly as ever, permitting the shadow of loss to darken every corner of the souls of the survivors of the Thanos blip. The familiar warmth faded, replaced by only a deep melancholy at the memory of what everyday life used to be. In the blink of an eye, your loved ones vanished, leaving you with the agony of their absence.

You were lost and desolate. You longed deeply to experience just a glimpse of everything you once took for granted, like calling your mother after a long day, hearing the murmurs of people at the coffee shop, or receiving a funny video from your best friend. Just something...

But nothing.

Word of mouth, you heard about a support group that Steve Rogers was leading. The world had become so vast, that breathing the same air as Captain America, with the Black Widow at your side, was no longer an unthinkable madness that would happen only in the most delusional mind. It was a reality.

There you were, realizing that you also had something in common with heroes of international stature. When they weren't all over the news, fighting right-handed in their intimidating suits, they were simply human beings who also wanted to be heard from time to time. They too had a right to break down.

"I..." you looked up, once it was your turn to speak. All eyes were looking at you expectantly, and Natasha Romanoff's eyes on you made your task more difficult. "Well, the barista at the coffee shop I go to informed me about this, uhm.... I'm (Y/N)."

"Hi, (Y/N)," those present responded in unison. The raspy voice of the woman next to you somehow resonated more in your ears than any other. What a woman. Not for nothing had you become interested in the news, only to see her fight so bravely. You always considered her a beautiful woman, and above all, a powerful one.

The only three friends you had always teased you about your crush on the Black Widow. And this alone made you feel worse. They would have loved to see you all flushed and nervous like you were at that moment.

"I remember hating crowds. People rushing around at all hours, often pushing and shoving," you began, looking down at the ground as you fiddled with your hands. "I hated the voices. Sometimes it was so loud that, between them all, they sounded like a swarm of angry bees," some had the strength to only half-smile at your silly analogy, others were unfazed.

Natasha's resilience turned out to be greater than you imagined, she demonstrated it on multiple occasions, but you experienced it live and in full color when she specifically let out a distinguished laugh. It echoed throughout the room, you could hear it loud and clear.

"I know, it was annoying." you said softly, directing your first words specifically towards the redhead, who by the way had a bit of blonde on the ends of her hair, indicating that the dye was fading. It looked beautiful on her. "Anyway," you redirected your attention to the others again. "I know a lot of people here hated that noise. We'd put on headphones so we didn't have to listen to anyone," you continued, and earned a nod of agreement from everyone present. "Well, now, I put my headphones on and play audio of people talking. I never thought I'd miss this, or that I'd miss being constantly pushed around, the voice of an annoying customer I have to deal with at work. Besides, everything is slowing down, nobody lives in a hurry anymore, and... well, I think you understand," you let out a nervous chuckle. You had no intention of rambling on too much about it, or you were never going to stop.

"Thanks for sharing," Steve said, giving you a small smile, that smile where he pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows.

Once the meeting was over, you let out a small sigh, grabbed your stuff and headed for the exit.

A voice stopped you as you stood on the other side of the door, causing you to turn and meet again those green eyes that looked so much more beautiful in person. Neither magazine pictures nor news cameras could capture that wonderful pair.

"I just wanted to ask you, if it's not too invasive," she spoke, as soon as you turned around. "Do you have anyone to talk to? Outside of this group, I mean."

"Anyone close? No," you answered honestly. It was the truth. Being highly selective had its consequences, as you were unlucky enough to lose your very few close loved ones; your three best friends, your mother, your aunt and your grandfather. Some family members, previous friends and even exes with whom you cut ties tried to reconnect, but the phrase 'better alone than in bad company' never applied better than in this case. "But if you're talking in general terms, even the person in line at the supermarket can be your confidant and support. You can imagine what it's like."

"I know," she agreed, and thought for a moment before adding, "In supermarkets, products expire before anyone buys them, but it's a good thing, it's an excuse to buy more snacks so they don't go to waste."

You let out a laugh. A full, genuine laugh, and wow... it was the first time in the last year that someone had made you laugh like that. It was a silly joke, yes, but in the midst of so much monotony, the spontaneity was a gift she gave you.

December 3rd, 2023

"You were in fact the only person who made me laugh," you barely managed to formulate the last words before you burst into tears for the fifth time.

Natasha would be turning 39. You both knew that aging was anything but a bad thing, yet she enjoyed ironically saying that she was getting old, even if it was far from the truth. She had no childhood, no adolescence. The concept of old age seemed the most comforting to her.

You forced yourself to take a deep breath, and to swallow your tears. You were talking to a piece of marble with her name carved on it, and you knew that meters underneath there wasn't even a body to mourn over, but you had to let it all out one way or another.

"Happy 39th birthday, my love," you whispered, smiling faintly. "I guess your wish came true. You stayed 38 forever."

December 3rd, 2020

"Oh, my wish is to stay 36 forever!" Natasha exclaimed, with a broad smile, and then blew out the candles on the mini cake you had bought her.

You laughed along with her.

Laughing seemed impossible until she showed up a year and a half ago in your life at that support group. Now laughing seemed as easy as breathing.

You wondered if, somehow, you would have met Natasha. She was a very famous woman, unattainable to everyone including you. The possibility of having lived a life without her terrified you, so much so that it was the first time you were actually grateful that the blip had happened, because it made it possible for her to be sitting on the couch next to you, spending her birthday morning with you after making her her favorite breakfast.

"Oh, come on, Nat," you laughed, as you placed the cake on the coffee table, and started pouring the wine. "You age like this fine wine. I imagine how divine you'll look in your 40s, in your 50s... don't take that away from me," you spoke seriously, as if the candles really did have the power to fulfill her wishes.

She laughed loudly, and took the glass of wine you gave her, "38 is the most I'm willing to age. It is my final offer."

You rolled your eyes playfully, and raised your glass, "Very well. To your penultimate year of aging. Cheers!"

The rest of the morning, and part of the afternoon was spent lazying on the couch, marathoning romantic comedies from the 90s and early 2000s.

Until the clock struck 5:00 p.m., it was one hour before Natasha's adoptive parents arrived, and the nervousness was starting to hit you.

"My love, it's time to get off the couch and get ready," you spoke, pausing the Julia Roberts movie 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

"Ughhhh!" She protested, covering herself up to her head with the blanket resting on top of you both. Said blanket was perhaps twice the size of the two of you, and perhaps three times as heavy. It was the best weapon against the December cold.

"Nat, I don't want your parents to find us in penguin pajamas and ugly sweaters," you laughed, shaking her gently. "I want to make a good first impression. Come on!"

"You're overthinking," she replied, resting her head in your lap, under the blanket. "They won't mind your outfit, and believe me, they'll love you."

You sighed lightly.

"I hope so," you replied, scratching her hair with your fingertips. "I'm much younger than you, and I don't want them to think I'm immature, or..."

"Alexei still insists on wearing his superhero costume, even though it looks tiny on him," Natasha interrupted you, before your head wandered. "Maturity is something that doesn't exist in my family, you take it easy."

You laughed a little, and that little anecdote was enough to give you significant relief. If Natasha said you'd be fine, then it was true.

The redhead was somewhat reserved when it came to her family.

You understood that she wanted to be sure that it was going to be something long and meaningful before she let you into that sacred side of her life, so it wasn't a year and a half after you met her that you finally would get to know the famous Melina and Alexei. You felt more than privileged to know that your relationship with her had already reached that point.

She also always mentioned her little sister Yelena, whom she had lost to the blip. You wished you could have met that other brave soul who destroyed Dreykov and his entire twisted organization, saving thousands of girls and women around the world.

"Well..." she said, suddenly getting up from your lap, as she pulled back the blanket. Afterwards, she planted a quick kiss on your lips. "I need a few minutes to mentally prepare myself and get out of here. Get in the shower and then I'll join you."

Within forty-five minutes, both of you were fully dressed and ready to welcome Melina and Alexei to Natasha's apartment.

The table was set with a white tablecloth, four plates with their respective cutlery and glasses. In the middle was the previously started wine and a bottle of soda that was a little wet, as it had just been taken out of the fridge five minutes before. The older woman's parents would bring takeout dinner and cake, so the table was ready just to serve the food and eat.

Punctually, at 6:00 p.m., you heard the doorbell ring.

You took a deep breath, and together with Natasha, you headed for the door.

Naturally, she was the first to greet them and pull them into a heartwarming embrace, which was somewhat clumsy because it was obstaclized by the bags of food in Melina's hands and the box of cake in Alexei's right arm. You stood there, watching the scene feeling both tenderness and nervousness, because your girlfriend's parents were finally standing in front of you.

The redhead took the cake and a bag of food, and with her head pointed in your direction, "This is (Y/N), (Y/N), this is Melina and Alexei."

With a gentle smile, you waved at them, "It's very nice to meet you, Miss Vostokoff, and Mister Shostakov."

"Oh, let's drop the formalities, c'mere!" Alexei exclaimed, and held out his arms to wrap you in a tight embrace.

You let out a giggle, and accepted his offer. He squeezed you and you let out a playful groan of complaint. Melina, laughing as you did, hugged you once the man released you, however, she was gentler and briefer, concluding it with a rub on your back.

"Please call us by our names," she spoke. "Natasha has talked so much about you that you're not even a stranger. So we don't want to be strangers to you either."

You looked at Natasha, and she smiled broadly, having also enjoyed the scene at your first meeting with her parents.

"Very well," you chuckled. "Please, let me help you with this," you offered, pointing to the single bag she was carrying.

"Oh, thank you," she agreed, passing you the bag.

You and Natasha placed the two bags on the table, and the cake on the kitchen counter.

"Beer?" Natasha offered to Alexei.

"Oh, please!" he exclaimed, sitting down on one of the chairs next to Melina. Across from both of them, Natasha and you would sit.

You heard the sound of two bottles being uncorked, and Natasha was the last to join the table, handing one bottle to Alexei and both of them toasting and then taking a big sip.

The dinner went wonderfully.

Natasha was right, her parents were easy-going and funny, each in their own way. Alexei always had a joke on the tip of his tongue, and Melina, though calmer than him, laughed lightly and added to the joke just to make you all laugh. At the end of the evening, when they bid their fond farewells, you completely forgot how nervous you felt a few hours earlier. They were enchanted with you and the feeling was mutual.

A small meow was heard about a minute after Natasha's parents left, and she stepped forward, opening the window to reveal the black cat sitting on the stairs. Liho always wandered around her building, but Natasha's floor was her favorite due to the redhead always giving her food and treats. She was a very easy cat to love, and it didn't take long for her to grow on Natasha, so she was unofficially adopted by her.

"Sorry, Liho," she said, caressing behind her ears. "You were late. There will be no food for the unpunctual."

"Hey, don't be mean," you teased, reaching up to stroke the cat's cheek. She happily bowed her head, receiving your affection.

"I'm kidding," she let out a giggle, and headed for the kitchen. From there, she pulled out one of the cans of cat tuna she always bought for the feline. Once she placed it in a plate on the floor, the cat ran in her direction and didn't hesitate to devour the dish, making you both laugh. "Oh, thank you so much for coming to visit me for my birthday, little one. You're adorable."

You walked in Natasha's direction, and wrapped your arms around her waist. One thing you loved about her was that, no matter by what kind of physical contact you manifested your love for her, the older woman always seemed to melt at your touch.

"Stay another night," she whispered, entwining your hands in hers and then kissing them.

It was the fifth night in a row she had said that to you. No problem, though, it wasn't the first time it had happened, so you prepared yourself beforehand and packed more clothes to stay with her as long as you both wanted.

"Yes, I have another change of clothes..." you replied. "I think at this point, I'll have more clothes here than at home."

She turned to meet your gaze, and glanced at your lips briefly to lean in and kiss you gently. You, likewise, melted at any action of your girlfriend, and the taste of her lips never failed to delight you immensely.

"Move in with me," she was quick to say, resting her forehead against yours. "Let's find a nice house, let's officially adopt Liho, hell, let's adopt a kid when we're ready. I want everything with you."

December 3rd, 2023

"Did you enjoy your time with Grandma Melina?" You asked the little girl walking beside you in the direction of the car.

"Very much! She taught me some fighting techniques, and then we tried them on Grandpa Alexei," she replied, and you laughed at her statement. "He went down like a sack of potatoes."

Alissa Grace Romanoff.

A girl you and Natasha adopted when she was four years old. Now, at six, you were increasingly amazed at how smart, strong and determined she was, showing an interest in being like her mother but also possessing an artistic sensitive side.

"Did you leave my drawing with mom?" She asked, once you placed her in the back seat of the car and buckled her in.

The little girl remembered Natasha fondly, and longed for her with all her heart. Fortunately, she was at an age where she was more likely to remember more, and you would keep her memory alive in her mind.

You and Natasha worked hard to give her the best memories, so that her childhood was something she looked back on with fondness and happiness, unlike your girlfriend, who couldn't do the same and always avoided to think in the slighest about the matter.

"Of course I did, I left her your drawing and the beautiful flowers you suggested," you confirmed, kissing her small forehead and then heading to the driver's seat.

You needed some time alone in the cemetery every time you visited your girlfriend, even more so on this day. On the one visit where you took your daughter, you broke down to such an extent that she ended up crying a lot more than she initially was.

Knowing that holding back wasn't the best way to go, you preferred to go alone and vent properly. It hadn't even been two months since October 16th, so there were still times when you cried to the point where you couldn't get up from the floor. And when you finally did, your eyes were so swollen that you had to go home and wash your face so that they would look better so as not to worry the little girl.

Melina and Alexei insisted that you visit Natasha first, and as always, they were more than happy to spend time with their granddaughter. Since you got up early, knowing that you would take your sweet time, you returned early as well, so that they would also have their space on this day to visit their beloved daughter.

The day passed quietly.

You bought some lunch, and both of you ate while watching 'Tangled' for the thousandth time, but this movie ended up being background noise, as your daughter continued to tell you about how Merlina did her combat technique demonstrations and Alexei was the 'brave volunteer' who would attack her, even if he wasn't volunteering or brave at all.

At 5 p.m., you sat next to Alissa at the coffee table in the living room, and opened her maths book. She had an assignment to complete a page of two-digit addition problems, and although it was due on Friday, she was always allowed to do it on Sunday afternoons.

You preferred her to do it as soon as possible so she could spent the whole weekend freely with no pending homework, but well, the habit of leaving it until last minute stuck with you because Natasha was a little bit of a softie.

October 30th, 2022

You heard the loud sound of falling metal, causing you to startle and wake up in alarm.

Natasha was not in your bed, and that increased your concern. Maybe it was a thief, a spy, an enemy of Natasha's who broke into the house...

But when you ran to see the source of the sound, you found Natasha in the kitchen, and Alissa sitting at the counter. They both looked in your direction, and smiled innocently.

"We didn't mean to wake you, detka," Natasha spoke, and you noticed the silver bowl in the dishwasher, the one that previously fell and woke you up, nearly giving you a heart attack.

"Oh, what's wrong?" You asked, your eyes half open. The clock on the microwave read one in the morning.

"I went to get a glass of water, and mom was reading in the living room," Alissa explained. "I couldn't sleep, and neither could she."

"So we made Halloween-themed cupcakes," Natasha concluded, pointing with her head towards the oven, whose dim light gave you a view of the cupcakes baking inside it.

You laughed at Natasha's solution, and were deeply touched as well. Any other parent would have made their kid a glass of milk, read a story, or accompanied their child until they fell back asleep, but your girlfriend decided to keep her awake and make Halloween cupcakes.

"I suppose you'll write a note saying that Alissa won't be going to school," you deduced, knowing the redhead very well.

She nodded.

Your daughter didn't even have to pretend to be sick to miss school, she just had to say she didn't want to go and Natasha would melt at her puppy eyes and let her stay home. As much as you hated to be the boring one, you had to set certain boundaries, however, your efficient communication with both of them always led to an agreement without making you look like the bad one. So, if Alissa went to school, on the way home you would stop for ice cream or go to the park.

But of course, this was an occasion where there was no choice but to agree to skip school, otherwise Alissa would be sleepy all day.

"All right, let's start working on the toppings, shall we?" You said with a wide smile.

December 3rd, 2023

"These crayons that Aunt Yelena gave me have very good pigmentation," Alissa commented, as she ran the brownish-red crayon over the white sheet of paper.

You laughed at the use of words. Somehow, she always managed to learn new words and use them appropriately. Little things you noticed and loved about your daughter.

"Oh, the 500 color box she brought from her last mission's trip? What are you drawing?" You asked, looking up from your book to pay attention to her. However, she was quick to cover her work with her arms.

"You can see when I'm done," she established.

Whenever she did the tedious math homework, Alissa redirected her attention to her drawings. She always knew that after working hard, she deserved to do something she enjoyed afterwards. No one told her, she just knew it was the right thing to do, and you were going to fight to death with anyone who dared make her believe otherwise.

Yelena could be considered the world-traveling aunt, except for the fact that it wasn't for fun and more for the purposes of freeing brainwashed Black Widows.

And when she was in town, your daughter would always come back with her sugar at 110% because her Aunt Yelena spoiled her with exaggerated doses of sweets, after taking her to the amusement park or the movies. You had difficulty putting her to sleep, because it was 9 p.m. and Alissa kept running around the house even though you begged her in every possible way that it was time to go to sleep.

So, while she was at the coffee table drawing, you were on the couch with Liho lounging in the other single recliner, taking her fifth nap of the day. The little black cat was no exception when it came to missing Natasha, constantly climbing on the bed on the side that used to be where she slept, meowing as if she was wondering where that nice redhead she used to visit in her apartment had gone.

Cats were transcendental beings, and you wondered if during her naps, she really did have astral travels where she could meet your girlfriend without worrying about the planes of existence that she could easily visit with zero effort.

You had your legs covered by the same blanket that once also kept your girlfriend warm on these cold days, and how she used to sneak under it to lie on your lap or to tease you by placing her cold hands under your shirt.

"I'm done," Alissa said after a few minutes. "It's mom."

You took the drawing delicately, as if it were a work that required the touch of cautious hands only, almost as if a very abrupt movement would fade the work captured on paper.

You watched carefully.

It was Natasha, but she did not have her reddish hair with blonde ends as your daughter had known her, but was from years ago, and you wondered if the girl had come across more pictures besides the ones hanging on the wall.

"Ah, here she has long curly hair. You portrayed her beautifully, honey," you complimented her, a nostalgic smile plastered on your face. "There was a time when her hair was like that, actually."

"I know," she admitted. "Mom told me she was just working for S.H.I.E.L.D back then and that's how she met Iron Man, pretending to be Natalie Rushman, a new assistant. That was the start of this whole Avengers adventure."

"Oh, yes..." you let out a chuckle. "Who told you that? Aunt Yelena?"

"No, mom told me."

"Ah, mom told you... when?"

"Last night, last night I dreamed about her," Alissa replied, so casually that it seemed to surprise her no longer. At first, she woke up crying, saying she hated the reality, and wished it wasn't a dream. However, over the days she began to relate it as if it were a regular occurrence. "We were in my room, and she saw my drawing wall. She asked me to draw her this way too, because she misses her long hair," she added. "Oh, and she also told me that birthday candles actually grant wishes. Because she once wished she was 36 forever, but she negotiated with you and it ended up being 38."

You tensed your jaw, and you mewed all the way in while making a superhuman effort not to burst into tears right there.

You had these recurring dreams of Natasha, mostly where she would tell you how proud she was of how you kept going for yourself and your daughter every day. In another, which was the day you met Yelena, the same night, you dreamed she asked you about how you liked her. In all the dreams she told you that she loved you and Alissa, and that sooner or later, she would find a way to get back to you.

"I'll find a way back," she said. "In the meantime, remember that love transcends time and space. We love each other, that's all we need to stay together more than ever."

Your daughter had similar dreams, with the difference being that many of them were just about the two of them spending time together like they used to.

You knew that Natasha healed her inner child through activities with Alissa. She might have looked mature and tough on the outside, but on the inside, she loved spending time with her little girl and at the same time giving the little Natasha living inside her all those experiences she was deprived of.

You thought you were going crazy and delusional, and that these dreams were just your subconscious going to great lengths to offer comfort and protect you and Alissa from pain.

But, it was not possible for Alissa to know that, as it happened long before she was adopted. That little anecdote you never mentioned it to a single soul, and neither did Natasha, otherwise it would have been brought up long before. Besides, your daughter wasn't a liar. And there was no way for her to know this.

There was just no way for her to know.

"You know, mom told me that, as long as we love her, she can transcend space and time, and be here, even if it's not on the physical plane like we are," you spoke finally, your voice failing to sound steady. Still, you didn't try harder. Natasha taught you in that support group when you first met her that even the strongest heroes had a right to break.

"Like she does when she visits me," Alissa concluded, smiling excitedly. "I know it's not my head or my imagination. I know it's her."

March 2nd, 2023

"I know it's you, mom!"

"No, who's your mom? I'm Rapunzel," Natasha said, in a high-pitched voice, far from her raspy tone.

She looked adorable in that blonde wig that came down to her heels, the purple dress and the makeup you did before your daughter arrived at the park where she would be having her very first surprise birthday party. Natasha insisted on dressing up instead of hiring an impersonator, because that way it would be more special and a nicer memory that her daughter would look back on in a few years.

"And I am, Flynn Ryder!" Steve came out from behind a tree, with his hair styled like said character, and a costume that also closely resembled, he even had that cross-body bag around his torso.

"That is you, Uncle Steve," she paused. "Oh, but I don't need a princess when my mom is a hero!" The little girl ran from her seat, and hugged Natasha's legs, who with a pout and teary eyes, lifted her off the floor and hugged her tightly.

That scene caused your eyes to glaze over as well, and as you looked around at everyone present, you realized you weren't the only one.

Steve, Clint, Melina, Alexei... everyone was touched. Everyone close to Natasha knew very well what it meant to her to have been given the opportunity to be a mother despite her past and unavailability to get pregnant, and watching the amazing job she was doing would warm up even the coldest heart.

"Hey! What about me?" Steve exclaimed, feigning offense at Alissa's exclusion.

"You too!" The little girl extended her arm in his direction, inviting him to join in the embrace.

Natasha then extended her free arm in your direction, and you didn't know how or at what point, but suddenly everyone present was enveloped in a group hug. Even Alexei ended up joining despite his previous rivalry with Steve. It was something everyone definitely needed.

"Okay, darling, let's pretend you don't know it's us and let us perform the act we prepared," Natasha spoke, and the little girl laughed at the silly impression of Rapunzel and Flynn Ryder your girlfriend and Steve had prepared for this special ocassion.

December 3rd, 2023

"We will be here when you come back, my love," you whispered with your forehead leaning against Natasha's, after pulling stay from a passionate kiss.

"Don't worry yourself. Clint and I will go to another planet, collect one of the Infinity Stones and be back in literally a minute," was the last sentence Natasha directed towards you, very confident that those words would be the truth.

"Damn you, Natalia!" You exclaimed, throwing your phone towards the floor of your room, so hard that you wouldn't be surprised if it broke.

It wasn't the best idea to end this day looking at old pictures; of your first dates with Natasha, of when you moved in together with Liho, and of the day you adopted Alissa, among thousands of other memories frozen through photograph.

You were drowning in your own tears again like every night, after Alissa was already sound asleep in her room to hear you.

It was a routine where you fell asleep after draining it all away, so you would have the strength to face another day without her.

You missed her caresses, her kisses, hearing her laugh, her jokes and her raspy voice in the mornings.

All physical aspects that ultimately were a form in which her eternal essence manifested itself, but you knew now more than ever that you were only used to her physical form, but that her essence would live on until the end of time.

Until she would return to us again.

[mlobsters]

saw a post yesterday (3 months ago now) that was like finale reactions from not-wincest shippers saying wincest won - but wincest shippers said it wasn't even wincest. which brings me around to my pondering how there's this divide of the ship into wincest / weirdcest / gencest which I'm still not totally sure the difference between the last two. but like, if I'm talking about wincest, I'm not talking about them with fucking required? it's just the dudes in a not-strictly-familial-platonic relationship. which to me, canonically, even in the most literal reading they've got a queerplatonic situation, so that qualifies

i think what i'm boggling over is that (sometimes?) the ship isn't the ship (the key is the key, man) it's like, ship+what they're doing with their dicks.

which led me to reading fanlore's gen and slash and smarm etc articles -> looked for a gencest article, reading the gen sam & dean one and the sam/dean one which is understandably packed with the related shipwar-ish stuff and i'm reminded i just. shouldn't read what anyone has to say about ships and this show. I feel like I'm rarely on the same page as anyone else, which is impressive in a fandom this large. i still don't really understand how the lines between them get drawn. but after all that i read, it sounds like people aren't really in agreement out there on the internet either.

so, this has been in my drafts since december and another post/reply got me to open it back up, someone saying if you want to tag the non-sexual situation it's gencest or weirdcest, not wincest. but I think now my personal understanding/interpretation is that those are just a subset of wincest, not standalone. I think another component of why it gets under my skin too is the inherent devaluation of queerplatonic relationships. a definition borne of the aromatic and asexual communities

and who's to say it isn't romantic? if the lines and beats are romantic, does it stop being so because they're brothers? would we have the same splitting up of the ship if they weren't related? (can guess what my answer would be)

ANYWAY. this was supposed to be how one ship has been split in a way I haven't seen before and find really weird. I can see how say, on tumblr, it's nice to have a tag that's just the qpr relationship, but not to the exclusion of the main ship.

I thought on AO3 it would be more clear cut, but of the 282 tagged with "Gencest | Emotionally Incestuous but Non-Sexual Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester" only 118 are tagged with Dean/Sam. and in the 79 works tagged "Weirdcest | Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester Appear Incestuous to Others Due to Lack of Boundaries", 40 are Dean/Sam.

and while I like the expansion of the tag name to include a definition, what even is emotionally incestuous :p and if there's incest in your definition, how does that not fall under the ship rubric

but being that there's 34,387 works tagged with Dean/Sam, and while there's more things tagged with gencest pre-2020, the majority is 2019+. and weirdcest is nearly exclusively 2021+. so, large consumer of fic that I am, I am sure things that would fall under those labels weren't tagged as such in the main tag.

going back to fanlore, the article about qprs:

Queerplatonic relationship tags are canonized in freeform tags on AO3, but uses in relationship tags are synned to the / tag.[4]

and the reference is:

Cisco Ramon/Caitlin Snow (Queerplatonic) has been made a synonym of Cisco Ramon/Caitlin Snow. Works and bookmarks tagged with Cisco Ramon/Caitlin Snow (Queerplatonic) will show up in Cisco Ramon/Caitlin Snow's filter.

which honestly made me laugh. that's a very specific situation!

but I think a lot of this, for me, circles back to what is a ship even, and why doesn't love for each other above all else+life partners qualify

and yet, look at me the hypocrite, because I tag stuff with "sam and dean" that are the canonical qpr things, but I wouldn't tag wincest because I know a lot of people would have it filtered. whereas anything remotely shippy in xfiles canon, I tag with msr. *facepalm*

and the advice/explanation I've received about tagging other people's posts, canon gifs, what have you; as wincest - that you might be putting their personal squick right in their notifications. so, don't do that! and I've internalized those rules.

and I guess there's plenty of people that watch the show and think they're just regular brothers ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

spn fandom is a minefield even with my skirting at the edges of it.

I don't know what anything means anymore

[mythserene]

John in the Star Club Tapes: No Mr. Lewisohn, he is not charming

It is so stressful to listen to the December 28th Star Club tapes. And for anyone who has endured a relationship with an out-of-control person, who has tried to minimize the damage in public, terrified in every moment, it is borderline traumatic. You’re not terrified of anything in particular, but you still feel terrified. As moments stretch out, beat by beat, every hair on your body feels electrified. Your senses are on fire. Your blood seems hot and thick. You can hear and feel your pulse BOING-BOING-BOINGing in your head, and you are just trying to get through another second. You are blind to everything else and any future. All there is is now and you must, somehow, get through this because there is no escape. 

I can remember the understanding that dawned on me when I first heard Paul trying so hard to keep it together. Heard Ringo trying to distract with little drum fills, and for the first time truly understood how much George’s guitar is his voice.

But that is not at all what Mark Lewisohn got from these tapes. (By the way, I’ve done a few threads on this night as it breaks down, and I don’t have it in me to parse through and post all that audio again now.)

--

LEWISOHN: I mean, John— we need to talk about John Lennon on this recording. These recordings. Because he’s uh— he’s- he’s- he’s belligerent. Um, he’s under the influence of— I’m sure he’s under the influence of Prellies. Probably drink, as well. Um, he’s beguiling, he’s rude—

CS: —Yeah.

LEWISOHN: —He’s still charming. He’s— I mean he’s not horrible. He’s just —yeah— he’s just edgy!

--

On December 31st John’s “Battina” might indeed be beguiling, but on the 28th nothing is fucking “edgy” and it’s certainly not “charming.” It’s a dysfunctional family at Cracker Barrel desperately trying to get dad to stop screaming at the waitress.

But what is clear from the first moment to the last is that Paul is the conductor. At first John is just shambolic and a little wild, and Paul seems fairly relaxed, but it changes. All the sounds of everyone change as John unravels. There are times when I can just see Ringo, George and Paul looking at each other, and although Paul is the one who is landing the plane, it feels so much like a team effort.

(John, playing out the cycle that would become so familiar, has shaped up and is on his best behavior on the 31st and the band sounds great.)

I think we need to realize that this was just the dynamic. This is by far not John at his worst. By all accounts this was one of John’s best behaved Hamburg trips. It was a short trip, they had real bedrooms and a real manager, and they had a future they didn’t want to screw up. All those “funny” stories about John wearing a toilet on his head and laying on the stage drunk just smudge out the three other people in the picture. How much fun was it for them? 

Derek Taylor says that one of the things that helped bring George back after he walked out of the “Get Back” sessions was Taylor going to him and saying, “Come back, don’t make Paul shoulder the burden of John all alone.” The tape from December 28th makes that so explicit. 

There is the whole separate issue of Lewisohn seeming to be a terrible listener. He listened to the NAGRAS like a tribute and has gotten so many things wrong about them in interviews that I hope someone else (wink, wink AKOM) will handle the mess, because I do not have a podcast and this ain’t the best format for lots of audio. But hearing Lewisohn gush about John being “edgy” in these recordings in that weird, fawning voice—and completely fail to see and hear what the band was going through—troubles me in a much deeper way than almost anything else regarding the man. How can anyone be that blind?

[chroniclesinlavender]

ENTRY 001: Dreams (Part 1)

Isaiah has an alarming dream.

Transcript below:

[Avlin nłzēwok'un nar īdsēravn aryú pi-lizt'n. Má ēzyi'ōf fl cni-lizt'n. (These are the stories known only to the Seraphim. Let not these events be forgotten.)]

???: [strained] Have to... keep it... together... can't stop... need to s-stay... need to foc... focus... have to keep it togETHEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!

ISAIAH: ...and then everything fades away, and I wake up.

[Chronicles in Lavender. Art & Story by Koishi. ENTRY 001: Dreams (Part 1)]

[December 12, 2019. 3:40 PM]

ISAIAH: My heart's always pounding out of my chest, and I can't sleep for the rest of the night. Every single time, it always goes exactly the same. The same place, the same people... and it never feels like I have any control, or I'm really acting on anything. I'm sorta just... watching it happen, I guess.

DR. GARDNER: Do you feel like the date in which you have the dreams could be significant?

ISAIAH: I dunno, your guess is as good as mine. I just happens every month on the full moon. I don't know why or how, it just does. It's been so consistent that I can anticipate it coming. Sometimes, I would stay up all night from the anxiety, then the minute I fall asleep, they happen anyways. I've always had vivid dreams. They feel so real, and I can control them too. Like, like lucid dreaming. But when these dreams happen, I just feel... powerless. Got a pill I can take for that?

DR. GARDNER: I could, but stepping away from medication, I think this might be related to another significant topic we've yet to come back to? Specifically the topic of Tara? And I know it's uncomfortable, but I think at least addressing it may give a better understanding of these recurring nightmares. I think a lot of the themes you've described to me in your dreams; the lack of control, the sense of urgency, the need to "keep it all together", could all be tied to your trauma regarding your sister's disappearance. A way for your brain to process through the guilt you feel and the grief you're experiencing. Does that sound about right?

ISAIAH: [shrugs]

DR. GARDNER: It's hard, having to go through that. It feels impossible to carry that weight on you all of the time, but it's important to remind yourself that Tara's disappearance is not your fault. It may seem selfish, but some things are out of our control. So it's better to grieve and find a way to move forward. At the end of the day, your own mental health is something that you have to put first, or things like this will keep affecting you. Of course, we can move on if you'd like. How have your exercises been going?

ISAIAH: Oh... uh... I've been trying, and I've been goin outside more, too.

DR. GARDNER: That's good to hear! Tell me more about how that's been working for you.

ISAIAH: [in journal] Log date: 12/19/2019. 4:28 PM. I've just concluded my therapy session for this week. We talked about the usual stuff, depression and meds and self-affirmation. I brought up the dreams, but that ended up leading back to Tara. It's been four years since she disappeared. I've been trying not to think about it. It's jut too much right now. I though by now I'd at least be better about it. That I wouldn't feel so awful. I guess I don't, but I just feel nothing instead. I dunno if that's better or worse. Rather not dwell on all of that now. Either way, I'm hoping that this night'll be over soon. I hate these stupid dreams, it's like a puzzle and I'm missing a billion pieces to it. If I go to bed early, I can at least get the dreams out of the way. Or I'm hoping to. Not much to hope for as of late.

[some time later]

ISAIAH: Yo LiLi.

AMALIAH: Yoooo Isaiah, me and Andre gonna be stayin out for the night. We're hangin w/ some friends.

ISAIAH: Yeah sure, aight. How come you didn't text?

AMALIAH: Cuz I'm drivin? fuck you mean?? And you take, like, hours to text back.

ISAIAH: Yeah yeah nah, good point... Okay, I'll text if I need somethin-

AMALIAH: Whoa hold up, you good cuz? You sound like shit. Still gettin them weird dreams? I know it's a full moon tonight.

ISAIAH: yeah, but I also had therapy today, so I'm like, emotionally-drained.

AMALIAH: Goootcha gotcha. Well if you need me, just text. Aight I gotta watch the road. See you in the mornin, kay?

ISAIAH: Night, LiLi.

ISAIAH: Is anything going to be different? Anything at all? I thought bringing it up at therapy would shed some light on why I keep having these dreams, but of course it all goes back to Tara. I thought I would be fine by now. That I'd find a way to not let what happened mess me up. But I'm still here. Everything around me keeps going, but I'm still here. Still empty... why does it even matter? Maybe this is just it for me... just emptiness and guilt... walking through a haze as life passes me by. I'm so sick of it being this way. I just want something to change... I just want to change.

BUTTERFLY: Why Do You Chase After Me?

ISAIAH: I don't know. I can't remember anymore I've just been... running for so long... Why were you running?

BUTTERFLY: I Was Running From Something As Well, Something Too Hard For Me To Bear. But I Feel As If You Can Help Me Face It.

ISAIAH: How would someone like me be able to help? I'm empty...

BUTTERFLY: You Are Not Empty. You Are An Endless Multitude. And If You Help Me, I Promise To You What You Yearn For The Most.

ISAIAH: ...okay. I can do that.

BUTTERFLY: Then It Is Time For You To Wake Up, Isaiah.

ISAIAH: Something... changed.

[Ēzm̄fl īn-hōn pi-jalzègxa olsl... (To be continued in the next entry...)]

[3terna15unshin3]

Then Because She Goes

Cry, I wake up, love you, love you

★ Chapter 6 of 15, 4794 words

★ Matty Healy x Original Female Character

★ warnings: none

<< 5

29 December, 2018

Matty didn’t rush out in the morning. He flipped the kettle on instead, hoping the loud whistle when it started boiling would draw Este’s attention. Opening and closing all of the cupboards in her kitchen to search for what he needed to actually make up the tea, he eventually had mugs placed on the counter in front of him with bags in each.

When the tell tale sound of the kettle had been a few seconds in the past, the doorknob to her room finally twisted and revealed an exhausted Este. Her hair sat in a tousled bun at the nape of her neck, with the layered pieces loose and swinging next to her jaw. Both of them wore what they were clothed in the night before.

“Ibuprofen?” She posed.

“Yes, please.”

She pulled the medication out of a drawer and thanked Matty for brewing her tea, each of them swallowing one tablet each. They chatted about how Este counted the four times she had to get up to go to the toilet, how Matty didn’t notice even once, and how they both felt far too old to be hungover on a Saturday morning.

It was barely morning anymore, with the clock reading 11:14am. Este used her palms to lift her butt onto the island and sit there to face Matty.

He leaned against the counter, mug in hand. “Don’t you have to be off to work for one o’clock?”

Shaking her head no, Este responded. “Nope, not today. Thank god.” She inspected the boxes sitting next to her, deciding that pizza would be a good enough breakfast. They both began taking bites of the cold food from the night before, talking lazily.

The front door to the flat opened suddenly, Cate appearing behind it. Before looking up and while hanging Este’s car keys on the hooks jutting out of the wall, she called out, “Esteeee! I just picked up my car from the garage and G came with to drive yours back over. It’s in the lot. You’re an angel for letting me take it,”

Turning around to face the kitchen, she finally caught sight of Matty. Not expecting to see him there, a small gasp escaped. Seeing the two of them in the messy kitchen, looking like they’ve only just woken up, forced Cate’s mind to jump to an extreme conclusion. What happened last night? She wondered, secretly hoping they’d hooked up. “Matty.” She sputtered. “What are you doing here?”

“Lovely to see you as well, Cate.” joked Matty. “In Manchester or in your flat?”

“Both.”

He laughed, rubbing his hands together over the now empty box where their breakfast had sat to get the pizza crumbs off of them. “Just hung out last night and had a little too much wine and weed. So Este let me stay over.” Matty explained simply. Cate nodded her head in understanding, the idea of him and Este getting wine drunk together sounding rather sweet.

“Yeah, and my gift for letting you borrow my car was that bottle of red you had in the cabinet, right?” suggested Este. “Because we may or may not have drank it all.”

-

13 January, 2019

matty

Sun, 13 Jan at 9:37 AM

Congrats on the Brits noms xx very deserved!

She sent Matty a message after setting the news on Twitter that Sunday morning. Este and Cate were relaxing at home, sat in front of their laptops at the dining room table. Best Group and Best Album were huge categories, so she felt proud, in a way, to know that they were good people and deserving of the recognition.

“Speaking of Matty,” started Cate after Este read the news out to her from across the table, “I saw that they have a show here, next week. 24th at the AO. We should go, I think there’s still tickets.”

Clicking a few times with her trackpad, Este read her Google calendar to find that she’d be working that evening. “I work that Thursday,” she revealed.

Cate rolled her eyes. “Oliver exists for a reason, you know! Wouldn’t hurt to ask him to cover—especially since you rarely do.” She argued. “Come on, I want to go! Pryzm was so fun and only like 10 songs long, I bet the full set will be even better.”

Este took a bite of her toast and Marmite, eventually being convinced by her flatmate. After a couple of texts were sent over to Sam and Oliver, she deleted the event in her GCal that read ‘work 1-8’, and Cate opened Ticketmaster.

The seat availability was pretty sparse, as it was only a week and a half before the concert. The two of them found a pair of seats near the back of the first bowl for a reasonable price, agreeing that they were close enough and would have adequate dancing space.

When pulling out her credit card to process the payment, Cate said, “Just remembered that this bloke was getting crossed in our flat like two weeks ago. Could’ve just texted and asked for some free ones.”

They both laughed, before Este realised that she was serious. “Are you joking? That would be humiliating,”

The redhead raised her hands in defence. “Hey, I was just saying.” She responded, before following through with purchasing the tickets. Este’s eyes diverted to a notification popping up at the bottom of her laptop screen.

matty

Sun, 13 Jan at 10:11 AM

Thanks E!

Very sweet of you x

She liked that Matty called her E despite her never mentioning the nickname to him before.

-

23 January, 2019

“Yeah, just a few deliveries today. Be prepared to sign for some parcels around half past three,” warned Sam, ready to take off, his work day coming to a close.

Este shot him a thumbs up with her right hand. Unboxing items and processing them into their inventory system was a fun task and made time go by pretty fast, so she was looking forward to it.

Her boss finally made his way out, after saying goodbye, leaving Este to some peace as the store emptied. But, not long after Sam left, she heard the door pushed open by a girl. Young, maybe eighteen or nineteen. She headed straight for Este.

“Afternoon,” started Este. “Looking for anything in particular?”

The girl nodded. “Yeah, actually. I’m in town for The 1975 show tomorrow and I read an article a while back saying that this is Matty Healy’s favourite spot in Manchester—I was just wondering if you’ve met him, or know what books he’s into. I sort of wanted to pick up something I know he’s read.”

Este was surprised at the mention of his name, and quite frankly, shocked that a fan would go out of their way to buy something just because he had read it; let alone admitting it to a stranger in a book shop. Matty never mentioned that he named Greenhouse as his ‘favourite spot’ in Manchester, so Este didn’t know whether to be flattered or confused.

She also considered lying about knowing him, a sudden feeling of dread creeping up her chest. How much information was too much? “How exciting! I’m going to the show as well,” Este decided to share. “And we have met. But I’m not sure if we have any stock of the couple of books I’m aware that he’s read.”

Telling the girl to follow her to the Philosophy section, she looked under S. Luckily, Este found exactly what she was aiming to suggest, but part of her was slightly annoyed that she may sell their only copy of On Beauty and Being Just before getting to read it herself.

“He’s very into non-fiction, from what I can tell. I remember him mentioning this one, so I think he’s read it.”

Este stopped herself from being too descriptive, as from the small talk she had with the girl progressed, she could sense a lack of interest in the actual content of the novel. It seemed like she was buying it more as a souvenir to remember her trip out for the show with, which was fair to Este. A sale was a sale.

“Thank you for helping me out. I might try and get him to sign it if I manage to catch the tour bus after the show,” The girl said, handing her a note and a couple of coins after Este told her the total.

“Of course,” As she opened the register to put the cash in, a couple of buzzes came from her phone that laid on the counter beside the till. Este saw Matty’s name flash on her screen. Of course he’s texting me now, when my phone is directly in a fan’s view. She thought, immediately pushing on the power button to make it disappear and hoping the girl didn’t catch sight of it.

No change was needed to be given, so as soon as Este shut the register, the girl picked up the thin essay and turned to walk out the door, politely sending another ‘thank you’ back. “Good luck, I hope you get the autograph!” said Este enthusiastically.

Coincidentally, before the door could even shut, the postman caught it and slipped inside. He carried a fairly large box, and a clipboard in hand. They chatted casually before she picked up a pen and scribbled out her signature.

One by one, she removed the books and processed them as usual. A few of them seemed fairly new, catching Este’s attention, so she sat and read the blurbs on the back covers for a couple of minutes. Her ‘to be read’ list was slowly building as more and more novels she pulled out of the box sparked her interest.

Now done with the delivery, she finally decided to open Matty’s text, curious as to what it was about, and worried that his ears were burning. If was sort of spooky that he texted her right as Este was talking about him.

matty

Wed, 23 Jan at 15:09 PM

Apologies for the last minute text but we’re playing at the AO tomorrow & I would love it if u were there :)

No party this time unfortunately since we’re off to Sheffield right after so idk if i’ll be able to see you but I want to know what you think of the new show

Lmk and I can grab some tickets, bring Cate too and her girlfriend if she wants!

Wed, 23 Jan at 15:58 PM

Mate i’m not going to lie to you, me and Cate bought tickets last week… lol

Este wtf

Are you serious

yes

Why would you buy tickets knowing I could just give you some

Idk maybe to just ambiguously support my famous rockstar friend ????

But no don’t worry about it me and Cate will be dancing up in sec 114 with the tickets we bought with our hard earned cash :P

And you didn’t bother texting me? So that I could be prepared and at least wear a good outfit ??

You texted me the day before the concert anyway like ur just late tbh

Should’ve done it sooner

Ugh I know

If you bought tickets to my show tmrw then I should be allowed to buy an invite to your nan’s party

Can that be our deal

Shut up about that already ur being delusional

I’m honestly tired of you not taking this seriously bc I am literally being real Este

Give me the details i’m gonna be there

You realise it’s not like a lowkey thing, there’s going to be probably like 200 people in a big hall

Yea so

201 including me

Just seems like a weird place for Matty Healy of The 1975 to show up

God never call me that again thats heinous

I hope u know I’m not letting down

Este gave in and just accepted the reality that Matty really did want to come to the party. It didn’t make sense to her, now that she didn’t think it was just an in-joke between the two of them where he teased her about knowing her nan; it seemed like he might actually show. She didn’t understand his motive.

You are so annoying

Saturday 9th Feb 6:30pm at Dartmouth House

Dress formal pls. and dont be late

For Lola then duh

Thank you for buying tickets to the show tho really you didn’t have to

I’m glad you’ll be there

Of course x

Wouldn’t miss it

I’ll try and spot you from the stage :)

-

24 January, 2019

They loved playing in Manchester, with plenty of familiar faces in the crowd; so there was a looseness and confidence to their performance. Opening with Give Yourself A Try made Cate and Este’s blood rush with excitement, surrendering their bodies to the persistent beats. Matty jumped around in his blue jumpsuit energetically.

As the band made their way through the setlist and the energy slowed down, with An Encounter twinkling in the background, Matty said a few words to introduce the next song. “We wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t for shit like the reaction to this song we’re about to play. This song is for you guys—we love you so much and this is always going to be your song. I want you to sing it as hard as you can.”

Robbers began playing and the whole arena erupted with awe. The band watched as every lyric of the clearly beloved track was sung back to them with passion. A sea of hands reaching up in the air with a not-so-quiet desperation could be seen across the standing room as Manchester declared their adoration for The 1975. It was indescribably palpable.

While Matty lived that reality every night, and would for the next year—performing live across the world—Este was surprised at how much being in that stadium moved her. Although having been to many concerts before, she didn’t feel like they had the same intense effect that was the spectacle of hearing thousands of people screaming the lyrics to Robbers in unison. She and Cate didn’t have the words memorised, so they silently observed the sweaty bodies beneath them and swayed with their arms wrapped around each other’s sides. Este placed a hand over her heart instinctually, soaking up the radiating emotions.

Track by track, the energy coming up and down and back up again, the night came to a close with Sex. What a show, thought Este. She’d jokingly called him a rockstar before, with little genuineness behind it, but now she felt like it could be true. After a last bow and thanks, the stage emptied and the house lights came on. They didn’t waste any time before making their way out of the AO, the thousands of fans flooding out at the same time. Imagining the traffic they’d catch when trying to leave the arena car park gave Este a headache, but their downtown flat wasn’t far enough for it to be an issue.

Their unspoken elation encouraged Este to thank Cate for convincing them to buy tickets. Sure, Matty ended up inviting them to come anyway, but she didn’t admit that to her. Este could tell—though denying it internally—that Cate was onto her developing crush on the frontman in blue, especially after that Saturday morning with Matty in the kitchen.

She bombarded Este with questions after he took off, begging for juicy details even though there weren’t any. Describing their bubble tea and pizza date(?) and its surprisingly tender moments left Cate giddy. Este would never hear the end of it if she revealed the fact that Matty reached out to invite them.

His mind wandered a couple times during the show, remembering the number 114 to try and catch Este in the crowd. He didn’t have any luck, considering the massive size of the AO and sporadic stage lighting coming from the huge screens behind him.

That night was their second-to-last show before they began travelling non stop, so he was disappointed that the bus would be taking off pretty much immediately after it ended. Matty wished they could stay for a night out before driving over to Sheffield, but something logistical about their stopping schedule prevented that from being possible. Instead, he sat in the common area on the bus and smoked alongside George as they drove off. A joint was gripped between Matty’s fingertips, with George sat beside him, and a window cracked above them.

Typing away on his phone, he began thanking all of the people he knew were there for coming out to see them. The usual, generic messages were sent to most, and responses came in quickly. Matty hadn’t gotten to Este yet, but saw a message come in from her first. Ditching the rest of replies he received, he opened hers right away.

Este

Thur, 24 Jan at 23:47 PM

You lads put on a showwwwww x

Worth the 45 quid???

No actually bc why was I Couldn’t Be More In Love not on the setlist

Actually quite mad about it

Attachment: 1 Image

He rolled his eyes reading her critique and decided against sending words back. Posing with his middle finger up and a frown on his face to swear at her, Matty sent a selfie back in lieu of a message.

Este laughed at the nature of the attachment as it popped up in her notifications. It was funny, but she also found herself thinking of how fit he looked. He had clearly just showered with a couple of wet curls lying against his forehead. Or was it sweat? She couldn’t tell.

His phone was held up high, allowing it to capture his leg bent up by his chest. The bottom of his t-shirt crumpled up and exposed a tiny gap of tattooed skin above the waistband of his trousers. Instinctively, she took a screenshot.

After their brief conversation about everything Este loved about the show and what Matty loved about performing it, she scrolled through the photos she took during the set and found the few good ones to post on Instagram. Cate had used the back camera on her phone, turned on themselves and with the flash on, to take a blurry photo of her and Este dancing with smiles on their faces and messy hair. It embodied the spirit of the night well, so she chose it as her cover.

Following it were a few shots of the stage, and with his permission, she ended the post with the screenshot of her and Matty’s conversation that included her comment about I Couldn’t Be More In Love and his moody selfie. Este tagged him and the rest of the band in it (who had followed her and Cate after meeting them in Kingston), pressing the ‘Post’ button, her caption reading:

este.manansala: do NOT go to a @the1975 show. all they’ll do is play a really fantastic set but then not play your favourite song and the frontman will swear at you via selfie when u complain about it

She was apprehensive to be so bold about knowing Matty, but she didn’t think her couple of hundred followers on the social media site would care too much. It made her feel better that he encouraged her to post it, claiming that the photo was ‘sexy’ (Matty’s words, not hers), so she went for it despite her fears. Este figured it wouldn’t reach very many people.

But, followed with a stream of notifications, she saw that he reposted it to his story, the last slide specifically. Matty typed “Can’t please em all” in the bottom right corner with a couple of sarcastically sad emojis next to it. He followed it by commenting “Must be mistaken, I would never flip off a woman” beneath her post, too. Random follows and likes started to pour in slowly.

I guess it was right to feel apprehensive, thought Este.

-

3 February, 2019

matty

Sun, 3 Feb at 18:29 PM

Hey are you free rn????

Or working :(

No work today! Just at home

You in town ?

No i’m at home too

But can I call you ? I’m just trying to pick out an outfit for Saturday and I need ur opinion lol

Ooooo sure

ring me x

Este was in the middle of making dinner for herself, so she propped her phone up on a loaf of bread sitting on the counter to prepare for his call. To her surprise, a FaceTime came through; so she checked her appearance in the front camera before pressing the green button to answer it.

He had his phone propped up just like her, but was in his bedroom. At least, that’s what it looked like to Este. A smile lit up Matty’s face as the connection functioned and the call started. “Heyyyy! You alright?”

She returned the grin, watching Matty crouch in front of his camera to be eye-level with it. “I’m well, thanks! You’re up to no good, I’m assuming?”

“Yes, I’m going through a wardrobe crisis. In need of some help.” He admitted. “Feel like I’m watching Masterchef or something, with this view of your kitchen.”

Este had turned her phone towards the stove so that she could stir the sizzling food in her pan while still in view on his screen—before he pointed it out. “A girl has got to make dinner, okay? I’m multitasking here,”

Matty stayed crouching near the camera as they caught up quickly, and then eventually, he explained his dilemma to her. “Alright, so my first issue—how formal are we talking? Like I have a suit jacket and tie that might be good but is that too much?”

Holding up a few blazer and tie options up to the camera, Este could see the growing pile of clothes on his bed. It really did seem like a crisis. Fuck. He’s actually coming.

“Might blend in with the servers if you show up in a tie and suit jacket, to be quite honest.” she said.

“That’s what I thought,” he muttered to himself. Going back through the pile, they continued weeding out his options. “Okay, so these are a no. No, definitely no, too blue, no, no. This is ugly,” listed Matty as he held them up and observed Este’s reactions as she threw out her rapid-fire opinions.

“What colour are you thinking?” wondered Este, turning off her stove and plating up her dinner. She carried her dish over to the table, taking her phone with her, and standing it up using a vase that usually sat as a centrepiece.

He shrugged off the white button up he’d been wearing underneath all of the jackets he had been trying on, revealing his bare upper body. Este broke the focus she had on the meal in front of her to gaze at him—but he began giving her a response—so she snapped out of it quickly.

“Depends. What will you be wearing?” Matty started, bringing his attention back to her and coming closer in frame. “I want to make sure that we’d look good together, you know?”

Este blushed at his comment. He wanted to match. Hiding her emotions, she tried to explain her outfit for Saturday. “Well, the colour for a 50th anniversary is gold. So my dress is all black, with like, gold chain-ish style straps. Kind of? That was a rubbish way to describe it to be honest, but black and gold, basically.”

“Should I do black and gold as well, then?” Pacing around his space some more, as he watched Este shovel more of her dinner into her mouth, Matty collected another couple of garments to show her. “I have this black shirt that sort of sparkles gold in the light. Could be a look, maybe.”

He slipped it on, only buttoning the bottom few buttons and leaving the top ones undone. The tattoo in the centre of his chest peaked between the gap of cloth. Not bothering to tuck it into his trousers properly, the outfit barely felt proper; but Este understood his vision. And it looked good on him.

“That top looks great.” she said bluntly, scared of gushing too hard about his appearance.

Matty thanked her, a pair of trousers lighting up in his mind to pair with it. He bent down to grab them off his bedroom floor, shifting the camera so he could get them on without being rude. “I think the top may be a bit see-through, though. Is that too risqué for this type of thing?”

When he was finished getting the bottoms on and tucking the shirt into it, he set up his phone to allow him to back away and fully be in frame. A full body shot. Before backing up, Matty flicked on the lamp behind his phone, helping light up the outfit and letting Este have a look.

The shirt sat loosely on his pale skin, especially near the few buttons he had left open. With the improved lighting, Este could see all of the ink on his torso, but not very clearly, and saw the thin stripes of gold speckles illuminate when caught in the light correctly. It was still tasteful, in her opinion; going well with the high-waisted, straight trousers hanging from his hips. “I’m into the all black. Looks chic, not too risqué.”

“But can you see my nipples through the shirt? I’m nervous that you can and that I’ll have to meet your family while actively knowing that my nipples are visible. Which sounds like a nightmare,”

They laughed together as Matty came close to the camera and shifted his upper body back and forth to analyse the sheerness of his top at all angles. “Babe, I think you’re fine.” Este giggled. “It looks really good on you, honestly. You should wear it. You look fit.”

He continued posing playfully for her before they worked out shoe options. Settling on a boring pair of black dress shoes (after Este vetoed a pair of flashy snake-skin boots), she ended up convincing Matty to add a gold chain to the ensemble, claiming that accessorising was necessary. He agreed.

After spouting some more nonsense back and forth, Matty eventually asked to see her dress. Este hid behind wanting it to stay a surprise, but was really just too nervous to show him. She assured him that the gold shining from his top and hanging around his neck would complement the straps on her dress and hardware on her heels; satisfying Matty enough for him to drop his original request.

It neared eight in the evening. “Alright. Thank you for your help, it is much appreciated. If I didn’t call you I probably would’ve shown up in a full on tuxedo to try and make a good first impression.”

“Well, I’m glad you did, then.” replied Este. “I still can’t believe you’re actually coming. Wanker.”

They bickered for a few more minutes before saying a final farewell. “Ok, I’ll let you go now. Text me please.” instructed Matty.

“Will do. Goodnight, Matty.”

Este hung up and cleaned up her mess from dinner. As her dishes clanged in the sink, Cate emerged from her room. “Was that Matty? On FaceTime?” she asked.

“Yeah, sorry if I was being loud. Was just helping him pick out an outfit for Saturday.” Este explained.

Cate exhaled and gave an understanding nod. “Is it any good?”

A smile crept up onto her face. “Yeah, actually. Really good.”

Discussing the details of what Este helped Matty put together, Cate was impressed by what her flatmate described. They were both excited to see what might emerge from the party—with him mixed into a sea of normal and slightly obnoxious Filipinos.

The two of them tidied up their common space before saying a quick ‘goodnight’ to one another and breaking off into their rooms to wind down on their own. When Este opened up her phone to do her usual scrolling before bed, she saw a text that she had missed from Matty.

matty

Sun, 3 Feb at 20:11 PM

Lmk if u need a place to stay this weekend x

7 >>

[uncloseted]

how to move on from being ghosted? so I’ve dealt a lot with comphet and i guess a bit of internalized homophobia too, i have never been into a relationship and I have a hard time meeting people so as my friends suggested I decided to download tinder to get to know girls because I don’t have a lot of lgbt people around me. the thing is that my first experience going out with a girl went well except when it didn’t, I really liked her even sometimes when it felt awkward and we talked for about a month and went out 3 times, she’d say she misses me and stuff then one day I told her I was missing her and she ghosted me, like I never heard from her ever again ?? at first I didn’t care but I deleted the app and I guess now I feel sad? This happened in December but I just feels kinda hopeless, it seems easy for everyone to meet people but for me it went that way and I feel ashamed and embarrassed for being ghosted and I just keep thinking the problem is me idk how to deal with it

Being ghosted sucks, and it can definitely be hard to deal with. I think the thing to remember about ghosting is that it's super common, and it's more about the person doing the ghosting than it is about the person who has been ghosted. A 2019 study found that respondents had ghosted 29% of the people they had dated, and had been ghosted by 25% of dates themselves.

I bring this up just to illustrate that while ghosting feels super personal, most of the time, it's not. It's usually the result of a person who doesn't know how to communicate their feelings. It's easier for them to disappear than to tell you how they're feeling about the relationship, and so they just ghost. And in a weird way, there's some good news that comes out of being ghosted - it lets you know that that's not someone you want to be in a relationship with in the first place. If they were struggling with communicating their feelings to you when you were talking, they would have kept struggling to communicate their feelings to you in the future, and that's a rocky foundation on which to build a relationship. There's also some evidence to suggest that people who ghost in relationships are more likely to have personality traits and behaviors that are self-centered, avoidant, and manipulative - so even though being ghosted sucks, you're kind of dodging a bullet in the long term because they may have struggled to be a good partner to you.

The last thing I want to say is that there's absolutely nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. You didn't do anything wrong, and the person who ghosted you is missing out on a relationship with a great person. My advice for moving on is to remind yourself that it's not about you, and to try not to dwell on the connection you had with this person. Dating is hard, but there's someone out there who will be better for you than this person could ever have been, and now you're free to find them. I would also try to focus on taking care of yourself and building yourself back up. As cliche as it sounds, it's easiest to find a relationship when we're happy with ourselves and engaged with the world.

[shoppingshoppingshoppingshopping]

Listen/purchase: I'm Sorry That Happened so Fast by Local Teen

OK new album write up time.

Well, it looks like I screwed up the release date and set it for september 2023 when it was supposed to be september 2024. so the question is will it always be out of order for the rest of time or will i be able to fix it at some point?

cdbaby as usual has awful support and still hasn't gotten back to me to fix the date. why is support so bad everywhere? anyway....

I was doing all the boring technical stuff as i thought it was ready and then cdbaby rejected my files. apparently they don't take 96k audio. so now i am opening up each session and having to re-render at 44/16. Which is a total drag cuz now i have to relisten to the entire album again. I love most of these songs but i am also so damn sick of them now after hearing them 1000 times.

all these songs except the neat neat neat cover are from 2019. Meaning I started them then. Many were just chords and maybe a melody. A few had lyrics and were mostly done except needed clean up and a mix.

ok so first song,

away from home: this one I think I had almost everything except lyrics. All those were recorded this year. This album took forever to put together. I think I finally sat down and decided to finish it right after I released the last one. Lemme check. Oh crap that was december 2023! Damn I take forever. Or not. I know what I like and i get pickier as time goes on. I guess this is just what it takes.

I am finding I have less desire to polish old songs that don't have much to grab me. Like one of the ones in this pile was this really cool bass line and drums. I've spent maybe 20 hours trying to shape it into a song and I haven't figured out yet how to do that. There are a few like this. A few albums back I wouldn't give up and would eventually find it. But I dunno. It's just so much effort and pain. When I have literally 100s of songs that will come together easier when I finally get to them. So I'm wondering why bother.

Another lesson is that album of unfinished songs I put out. A few of those will come on my spotify shuffle and now I can hear exactly how to finish them. So the lesson there is wait. It might come. If not? that's OK. This is life. Ya gotta let go sometimes. There is pain in making music/art. It's uncomfortable. The hard part is figuring out what kind of torture is good and what isn't.

Anyway, Away from home has lyrics about a violent cartel crime situation. I love crime movies. I just rewatched michael clayton again for the 10th time? it's so good. Pulp fiction too. Which took a while to pull me in but after the overdose I was in all the way and didn't want to leave it. Butch's girlfriend isn't as bad as Bill Simmons says she is. In fact she's just fine. John Maclane yelling to himself in the car felt a little forced very "acting".

BTW it's taking at least 20 minutes just to open the 3rd song session. I think there's over 250 tracks in there.

Listening back. Away from home chorus is sooooo good. I couldn't stop myself from recording this really jazzy harmonies. My music theory talk sounds like I know something but really I aint shit but I think there's like 9ths and 7ths and diminished somethings in there.

I played the broken cello I got from craigslist free on this. Some wood glue and a jerry rigged "clamp" using ratchet tie downs and it's playable. I have no idea how to play the cello but I was able to get some good sounds out of it for this song.

2: use a hoe

this is kinda funny. i found an earlier version of this. Spent MONTHS on it. Then towards the end of wrapping up the album figured I needed one more song. Went into the next batch of unfinished songs and found this version. I thought it was so much better. It was completely done except for some clean up and much needed mix changes.

lyrics are about some of the poor folks I spent a lot of time around when I lived in florida. when people say "i don't get trump voters" I always think "Ah you never spent any meaningful time with different kinds of people."

this is one of the negatives of tiered experiences like fast pass at an amusement park or anything not general admission at an event. a society is better when different people mix in positive ways over a shared enjoyment.

It's funny that this is bragging now but my florida experience gave me bonds with fresh off the boat Hatians, Cubans and pretty much all of latin America, not to mention kids whose family have definitely been at a KKK BBQ before (or maybe it was just a rumor that everyone that lived near moon lake was KKK. I dunno. I was too scared to go) and just all sorts of people with lots of debt, loyalty to the strangest things, strong family bonds hidden under resentment and the types of folks the media just never ever shows you.

Lower Middle Class life just isn't romantic. There's a fair amount of substance use, lots of humor, missing teeth and bad tattoos on even worse skin. That doesn't make for good streaming content. One lady I knew had no front teeth and her car was literally infested with roaches. You'd see them crawling all over the seats at any time of day. how the florida heat didn't kill them? I have no idea. Also if her car was like this what was her trailer for of kids like?

Who are they going to cast to depict her in a show? Glenn Close? She has the face of a shoe that only rich people know about.

i'm solid to maybe upper middle class now but those folks still exist inside me like guardian angels. They write a lot of my lyrics. I get them but i also resent them for not doing what i would do. not that that's right, but just reporting from subconscious.

When I was 16 working in fast food, I worked with a 40 year woman named BJ. She said it was short for something like "Billie gives the best blow jobs". Kids, the 90s were wild. or maybe just florida or both. This lady also was kind of illiterate and her kid names on his birth certificate was "BRAIN" no Brian. I hope she's doing well but I doubt it. The world has changed in a way that hasn't been protective of folks like that. That's just sad. I liked these people. We worked together as team. There is a special bond you gain when working on a time crunchy environment. I hope they made it out of poverty OK or least didn't go lower.

3: send the girls over

This was one of those songs I couldn't stop writing. It was so inspiring. So many ideas and lyrics. I saw a songwriting friend recently and told him I wanted to be better at lyrics. Then I went back to finish this song and saw that I'm not crap. I can pull it off sometimes. Cuz I am so proud of these lines:

so you didn't want to lie yet we did watch it grow that thing upon your face that drips when you get cold that looks down on the poor turns up when you get old through which you soon will pay for sticking it where it surely doesn't go

Keith Hopkin of The Blue Album Group and Asobi seksu sang on the woah parts. I love his voice. We used to be in a Weezer cover band together.

So did my nephews, probably the missus as well. I had anyone that came over sing on those woahs for a few weeks.

I just love this song. Listening to it now the "I knew it was you part" still gives me chills. I also played the trumpets on this. I don't know how to play at all. Yet I was so inspired that when I hit record and blew my heart out and ya know what? the right notes just came out! I WAS FUCKING FEELIN' IT! God is good, man. I'm tellin' you.

That's the magic of music, man. It can make you do stuff you can't usually do. It's like a super power. I can feel my version of god in this moment. Thank you universe for the gift to stick with this craft and to keep trying to make songs I like. And thank you for the love I get to feel for myself when I hear what I made.

Ok now I feel exposed.

I'm pretty sure there's 250+ tracks in this. It became impossible to work on because it uses more resources than my computer can handle. But nevertheless he persisted.

4: come on baby

there's a version with 3 other parts not in this one. They were more metal/butt rock than I like. So I wrote all new parts. And then ended up redoing everything. Vocally I was trying to find the right voice then heard a DFA1979 song and thought "oh I should try that".

My les paul through my orange tiny terror is the perfect guitar tone for this kind of song. Its my favorite amp/gtr combo just because when it's right it's just perfect. It's just not always right for each song.

5: why start now - a classic vibe of "why bother? let's get ta slackin'". feels very 90s to me.

I love my funky bass lines. I feel like I should show them off more cuz I do some pretty cool stuff sometimes.

You know what's very un 90s? The amount of self love I have for my work as I write this today. It took lots of therapy, will power and the desire to change to get here. Don't get me wrong I hear the "you suck" voice daily. Just now I thought "you're being really honest here. We feel vulnerable. don't do this" then another voice said "no one listens to your music and never will so who cares?". Then another voice said, "just be in your creative space and flow. this is a gift to have this. so many people wish they could make things. you're lucky".

This song had a completely different feel. Then I went on a dancehall trip with my spotify deep dives and realized I should try that. Re did the drums. Then realized lots of other stuff needed to be redone but cause it didn't work with my new groove. so yeah, this is a dancehall song. for me.

6: neat neat neat - i made this in like a week towards the end of my last album. it came together to quickly. i put it on there but then went i went to release it Landr was like "no covers otherwise you can't make any money from ANY of the other songs on the album".

So I am putting it on this one since I am using CDbaby to release this one and they won't ding all the other album tracks if they get lots of youtube streams.

Keith Hopkin sang on this too!

7: What we are

I have a slight headache. I probably have covid. this morning I had a million great ideas for a new song I am working on. I was also so excited to do all this admin work to release my new album. but now I just feel so scattered and can't wait for this to be over.

first line is something i remember steve albini saying in an interview when asked about movies or tv shows. talk about yucking someones yum! i often have to turn steve off in my head when i am watching something mediocre. i can see the acting and just how silly it all is.

i used a lot of 1176 compressors on the first version of this. ended up removing nearly all except on the gtrs. i dunno why but that thing never worked for me. I have friend that loves it. I don't like his drum sounds. but i get that it's a classic sound.

8: use a hoe slower

spent a long time trying to get this one to work. i like it's chill vibes.

Do I sing about being dead or alive a lot? I think I sang something similar on another song on this album. I dunno. I make a lot of music. I'm bound to repeat myself

Ok i'm done. I just did a proof reading pass about a week later. I definitely have covid. I toggle between dizzy, tired, confused, hungry and inspired to make dance music. I've started 3 tracks with beats and basslines and then stop. That's fine. It takes a lot of practice to get good at a new genre.

[thinktank2024]

Pritt

Pritt is a CM Bath Spa graduate from 2019, born in Denmark with Eelam Tamil Heritage. Starting her musical journey with YouTube covers she has since gone onto work for the BBC with her own radio show “The Pritt Show.” She is also a critically acclaimed artist who has gained much media attention with her music and focus on her background and culture being key parts to her music.  

Whilst at university... 

During her time on Commercial Music at Bath Spa, Pritt was a part of 2 bands/ acts called “Tiger Trail” who went on to do a tour of the south-west and “Life Under Water”. She also ran an events platform called “A Collective: Soul” hosting music-based events in Bath. She released her debut single ‘Deja Vu’ in 2017 followed by two more singles and her debut EP in this time hosting her listening party for the EP in Second Bridge in Bath. In her third year of university, she joined a mentorship program called NEXXT STEP which was all about celebrating 100 years of women's rights in the UK allowing her to create an EP with 10 other female artists in London and network with industry people. 

Later, she became BBC Asian Networks Future Sounds Artist being the first Tamil woman to do so which really helped progress her career. On 31st December 2022, her cover of one of her dads' favourite songs ‘Unakkul Naane’ started to blow up on Instagram then gained a lot of traction on Spotify becoming its number one viral global song as it went from one million streams to fifty million in roughly 6 months. This opened many doors for her with festivals and show opportunities leading her to be featured on a double page spread in Hello magazine as one of the ‘rising stars of 2024’. 

In her talk she discussed the pros and cons of suddenly going viral and how this affected her. She stated the positives were: 

• GLOBAL recognition 

• The numbers = good revenue which is great for an independent artist 

• Labels will LOVE you 

• Coat hanger effect (people continuing to search through your other songs since they like the viral one) 

• The song will continue to do well for a long time (currently on 250,000 streams a day)   

And the negatives of this she felt were: 

It is a little difficult to steer away from what people "know" you for. 

• If your intention was never to go viral with this song, then it is peak. 

• Burn out 

• People will tap you on the shoulder while you are on a stair master and ask you if you are Pritt.  

She discussed how overwhelming her sudden rise to popularity affected her in many ways. One issue she found was she felt a lot of pressure for her other songs since ‘Unakkul Naane’ to live up to the same hype as that and how her other songs not doing as well made her feel that she needed validation as these songs had more meaning to her and how it limited her creativity as it was a cover that blew up which made feel like she had to stick to that style of music otherwise she would lose the popularity she gained.  

[greensparty]

Album Review: Dhani Harrison / Paul McCartney and Wings

This week I got to review an anniversary reissue from a solo Beatle and I got to review a new album from someone with Beatle DNA.

Dhani Harrison INNERSTANDING

I wish more people knew what a powerhouse phenom Dhani Harrison is! I wish people talked about him the way they talked about Jack Antonoff. He has done some fantastic work with the band Thenewno2 (I named their album Thefearofmissingout one of my Best Albums of 2012), as part of the super group Fistful of Mercy, and he has done a ton of movie soundtrack composition too. But in 2017 he released his first solo album with IN//PARALLEL (read my review here). In October 2023, his first album in six years INNERSTANDING was released digitally. This week it is getting a physical release from H.O.T. Records/BMG.

album cover and yellow vinyl

I'm going to address the elephant in the room: Dhani is the son of George Harrison. He was involved in the completion of his father’s album Brainwashed (released posthumously in 2002), was a featured performer at the Concert for George in 2002 and the George Fest in 2014 and he also helped develop The Beatles: Rock Band video game. In recent years he and his mother Olivia have also run the Dark Horse Records record label, founded by his father, and they have released albums by the likes of Billy Idol and Joe Strummer. I bring this up because that is what a lot of the attention for Dhani has been about. Any child of a much-loved musician has had to live up to their parent’s musicianship, just ask Jakob Dylan, Wolfgang Van Halen or Jason Bonham, all of whom are great musicians on their own, but had to live up to their legendary parents, which set the bar so unrealistically high. With the musical offspring of The Beatles, one can argue that you can hear their parent's sound in their music, i.e. John Lennon's influence on Sean Lennon's sound. With Dhani, his music is entirely different than George's music. It's easy to NOT compare his music to his dad.

With the first solo album, it felt like Dhani had really come into his own as a songwriter from Thenewno2. Here, it feels more grandiose and bigger in his musical approach. There's some collaborators on the album including Graham Coxon of Blur, Liela Moss of The Duke Spirit, and Mereki. There is a heavy influence from Trent Reznor and Peter Gabriel, especially on songs like "New Religion" or "Damn That Frequency". But he kind of defies a lot of genres and brings multiple styles in, sometimes within the same song. It's exciting to see Dhani emerging as not just a powerhouse phenom, but a studio production whiz!

For info on INNERSTANDING

4 out of 5 stars

Paul McCartney and Wings Band on the Run 50th Anniversary Edition

Originally released on December 5, 1973 (in the U.S.),  the third album from Wings and the fifth album Paul McCartney released since The Beatles’ 1970 breakup was released. It is considered by many to be among the best of the Beatle solo albums, up there with John Lennon’s Imagine and George Harrison’s All Things Must Pass. I'd say this is probably his best non-Beatle album he released in his impressive discography. To celebrate the 50th anniversary (this year marks 51, but it's close enough to December 2023, so who cares, right?), the album was released last week by UMe in a special edition.

original album cover

The timing of this album is coming a few months after the passing of Wings guitarist Denny Laine and this edition serves as a reminder of what an asset he was to McCartney's 1970s albums. When I interviewed Mr. Laine in 2019, I asked him what his favorite Wings album was and he said "With Band on the Run, it was just me and Paul doing the music and then Linda did some harmonies…but yeah, that’s really the one that sticks out is Band on the Run." Fully agreed! When I saw Laine at City Winery in Jan. 2019, he played the Band on the Run album in its entirety. What a treat to hear him tell loads of stories about each song.

50th anniversary double CD edition

The album itself is noteworthy for the number of Sir Paul standards: "Band on the Run", "Jet", "Let Me Roll It", the list goes on. When I saw Sir Paul at Fenway Park in June 2022, he did some of the hits off the album. There's been various versions of this album but in 2010, I got the Paul McCartney Archive Collection version, which contained bonus tracks and a bonus DVD (the Best Buy edition). That one was awesome and sounded great. With this new edition, CD1 is the original album remastered. CD2 is "Underdubbed" mixes of the songs. According to the press release, Paul said:

“This is Band on the Run in a way you’ve never heard before. When you are making a song and putting on additional parts, like an extra guitar, that’s an overdub. Well, this version of the album is the opposite, underdubbed.”

While it is interesting to hear versions of the songs pre-final mix, for those of us who know the final songs so well, it can feel like an unfinished and incomplete version of the song. I like the 2010 edition of the album better, but this one has its moments.

For info on Band on the Run

Original album: 5 out of 5 stars

50th Anniversary Edition: 3.5 out of 5 stars

[jim-fetter-illustrations]

Ignorance is bliss keeps us feeling safe,....until it's not!

COVID investigation origin update.

I'm putting this report in layman terms, the simplest language that anyone can understand so people know what is being said.

The controversial claim that the pandemic (COVID) leaked from a Chinese laboratory is now thought to be dismissed because now some scientists think it was released "on purpose" to see how it would spread, and how fast.

The latest investigation into the severe respiratory disease reported in Wuhan, Hubei province, China in December 2019, that caused the world wide Pandemic puts Bio-Weapons in the front running of why the pandemic was caused,.... to test its effectiveness!

The coronaviruses behind Middle East respiratory syndrome (MERS) and severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS) was developed from genetically manipulating the genome-sequencing of Bats as originally thought, and then dismissed by the Chinese authorities.

Why Bats, because Bats are extraordinary organisms in many ways. They are the only mammals on the earth that can maintain sustained flight. They also have relatively long life-spans and are relatively more protected from a variety of diseases, including cancer. And cancer cures are why bats are studied genetically.

Bats also have a unique ability in echolocation, whereby they use sound to navigate and locate objects, freeing them from being constrained by the availability of light like humans are.

But ya see,... when we manipulate genetics it's not always something good that comes from it, and something bad isn't always negative either in the Bio-Weapons business, especially if you need to disable large groups of people really fast.

Let's say you want to change the human body.

You want to change how it reacts.

You want to change it's immune system to be Less.

You want to manipulate how the immune system protects.

You're going to want to reprogram human genetic material,

you need a delivery system, and nothing works better than a virus.

Viruses are like micro suitcases, they pack in genetic mutation,

infect the body and deliver magnitude and direction into the target cells.

Getting the virus where you want it, and how you want it,

so you can control its biological effect on the host, the human being. This is textbook science!

It's called VRM (viral-receptor-mapping).

Everything I've reported on here is available to anyone, almost any time under the U.S. Right to Know act,..... you just have to look and dig for it in the government medical journals and science journals, because it's is not readily available to the novice.

And most all politicians don't like talking about it since we trade heavelly with China,.... and owe China approximately $850 billion we borrowed from them in the form of treasury bills, yeah, China owns a hell of a lot of American land and businesses today because political leaders keep borrowing money from them that China is more than happy to lend to us for America as collateral on the loan.

Didn't know that???????

You keep voting for it!!!!!

So the latest Government unclassified summary of the COVID investigation’s findings, is the virus was not developed as a biological weapon.

Because really, if it was we'd be at war with China right now, which is a scary thought, so maybe Ignorance is Bliss is the safer way to convince ourselves we are still safe................... just a thought, and again we keep voting for this Ignorance is Bliss eventuality, so government keeps using it!

[burnmywholelifedown]

Hi it’s your Santa Swiftie here!!! I’m so excited to get to make you something for the holiday season, but first, I need some info/get to know you better!

Do you have any hobbies? What do you like to do on your free time?

Do you have a favorite word?

What's your top 5 Taylor Swift albums?

Favorite Taylor swift mv? Favorite photoshoot?

Pick 13 Taylor songs you like!

What kind of music you like besides Taylor?

If you had to pick 5 songs to describe yourself which ones would you choose?

Who were your most listened artists on Spotify?

I know this is a lot lol, so take your time to answer it all! I hope you have a great week and a lovely December! 🎄🧑🏻‍🎄🎁❄️🎅🏻

hey there!! I'm so excited 😊 Thank you so much for your patience while I was getting over my illness! My blog runs on a queue but I don't use a queue tag so I'm sure that didn't help your concern that messages weren't going through. I'm finally feeling better and able to answer all your questions. One thing you should know about me is that I don't pick favorites so you're going to get some lists lol.

Do you have any hobbies? What do you like to do on your free time?

I do have hobbies! Like many Taylor fans I love to write songs. It's such a fun creative outlet. I also am an avid reader. I read a lot of classics back in the day (and almost became an English major) but after college I've been reading more romance and fantasy books. I haven't been brave enough to venture into Brandon Sanderson territory but we'll get there. I needed to give my brain a bit of a break after all the reading for school.

Do you have a favorite word?

Oh my gosh thank you for this! A word I have loved since middle school is ephemeral. I think it just sounds so soft almost like it's fading away. And it's about such an angsty concept. For my Latin class we wrote a tradgedy called Ephemora. It was the most fun thing ever.

What's your top 5 Taylor Swift albums?

Mkay this question is so unbelievably rude. Right after Midnights came out?? How the heck am I supposed to rank albums at a time like this??? For you I shall do my best:

In no particular order - folkmore, midnights, Speak Now, Red TV, reputation

But debut is a close 6

Favorite Taylor swift mv?

OOTW, IKYWT, Cardigan, Blank Space, Love Story, ATW short film of course

Favorite photoshoot?

If we're going to talk album photoshoots I'm obsessed with the midnights, RED TV, rep and Lover ones.

Here are a few more I really enjoyed:

EW 2019

Glamour UK 2015

Fashion Magazine 2015

Glamour UK 2013

People Magazine 2010

USA Today Newspaper 2010

Pick 13 Taylor songs you like!

Cold As You

Illicit affairs

Cardigan

Ivy

Mastermind

YOYOK

TTDS

DBATC

Dress

Wonderland

The Moment I Knew

Enchanted

Breathe

What kind of music you like besides Taylor?

I tend to listen to singer-songwriters that write acoustic-esque pop. Oh and I also listen to some musicals. I was mostly a theatre kid because I loved classical theatre like Shakespeare but I fell in love with some musicals along the way as well.

If you had to pick 5 songs to describe yourself which ones would you choose?

Damn this is a tough one. I'm really bad at limitations so you're getting more than 5:

Why am I like this? - Orla Gartland

Colorado - Reneé Rapp

Pity Party - Cate

The List - Maisie Peters

Personal Best - Maisie Peters

Girls - girl in red

Kintsugi - Gabrielle Aplin

mirrorball - Taylor Swift

homecoming queen? Kelsea Ballerini

Walk In The Park - Kelsea Ballerini

Being Alive - Company OBC

Growing Sideways - Noah Kahan

Hold The Girl - Rina Sawayama

Who were your most listened artists on Spotify?

I know we're supposed to get videos for the people that we listened to the most but I don't know how to access those so in no particular order here are some artists I listened to this year: Taylor Swift, Noah Kahan, Maisie Peters, Reneé Rapp, Gabrielle Aplin, Kelsea Ballerini, Conan Gray, Demi Lovato (love their new album!!), Halsey, Rosie Darling, Gracie Abrams, Cate, Abby Holiday, Lizzy McAlpine, Griff, P!nk, James Bay

I hope all this info helps 😊

[trainsinanime]

Bördebahn

I’ve had some public transit content on my dash today, so I thought it might be interesting to talk about a curious little case study that I tried out yesterday; the RB28 or Bördebahn line.

This line probably sounds terrible at first glance. It connects Düren via Zülpich to Euskirchen, all boring towns you probably never heard of, somewhere in the vast nothingness between Aachen, Cologne and Bonn - and even for those cities it’s debatable how notable any of them are.

The line is a single-track branchline through flat low-density rural areas. It used to be double-track, but the second track is largely overgrown. The halts and stations are all tiny, serving largely inconsequential villages where the station buildings have been boarded up for decades. The train only comes by every two hours, too.

The track and signalling system are largely in bad shape, with lots of speed restrictions. There are about a dozen level crossings where the safety technology doesn’t work, so the driver has to stop the train and wait for all the cars to stop before the train can continue.

All in all, it’s… actually a massive success story.

Everything I’ve described so far is true, but deliberately misleading. The line is on what you could call an upwards spiral. Originally, passenger transport had ended in the 1980s, and the line was left open for the odd freight train only. Around 2001, there were plans to close it down entirely. But a local initiative formed and fought back, organising occasional excursion trains and improving the infrastructure by hand. Over time, politicians noticed this, and started giving money. The excursion trains became regular (every weekend), and integrated into the fares of the overall public transport fare system, which led to lots of normal people using the line for normal trips.

Since 2019, there were six trains per day during weekdays as well. In 2020, trains were increased to one every two hours, and the travel time was reduced to 46 minutes (for 30 km, so still not blazingly fast). Starting this December, trains will run every hour, and even faster. That’s why the train has to stop at several level crossings; they just did a lot of refurbishment work to the line’s electrical systems, and they’re not quite done yet.

And it’s successful. The train I was in is admittedly not a large train (it’s a Stadler RegioShuttle RS1, which seats about 50 people), but it was decently filled. It seems very likely that usage figures will increase a lot once the full hourly service is in place.

Why is that? A part of it seems to be the general idea that if you build it (and run a half-way decent service on it), they actually will come, as the saying goes. If you can organise your day around it, the train is the fastest way to get to either Düren or Euskirchen, and the organising is going to get a lot less.

The other important part is network effects. From Düren you have great connections to Cologne and good connections to Aachen. From Euskirchen, you have connections to Cologne, Bonn and, if you feel like taking a longer journey, Trier. All of the connections are timed well; you’re not rushed, but you don’t have to wait long for your next train either.

In fact, in the regional rail network, the Bördebahn forms something of a missing link. Without it, you have something of a radial network to the south-east of Cologne (Germany’s fourth-largest city): You have great connections to the west to Aachen, to the south-east to Euskirchen and Trier, and to the south to Bonn. But if you want to go from Aachen to Bonn, or Trier, your only choice was to go all the way to Cologne and then back out from there. Now you can just skip that part, thanks to this line (and the Euskirchen-Bonn line that forms a similar tangential connection on that part, but has been around in modern form for longer).

The local transit authority has recognised this potential, and is currently considering electrifying this line by about 2030 and integrating it into another local rail network. That sounds like a great idea, except it would also mean rebuilding all the stations that were just rebuilt due to platform height issues…

The fun part is that this whole story isn’t even particularly unusual for the area. There are two other branch lines from Düren that have been refurbished similarly, just in the 1990s already. They’re also operated by Rurtalbahn, the company that now handles the Bördebahn, and they’ve been great successes. While they stop in small towns in the middle of nowhere and don’t really provide much network effects, they’re still busy and often run at 30 minute intervals.

Further west, another smattering of lines has been reactivated around Aachen under the name “Euregiobahn”, which has some of the most bizarre timetables you’ve ever seen due to an intricate circular network. Further north from that, the branch line to the town of Heinsberg has been reopened. The region is full of such stories of minor lines to minor towns being re-opened since the 1990s, and there are more currently being planned.

What does this tell us in general? Not sure. Probably that you can build attractive train services surprisingly cheaply on abandoned or underused lines, even ones that don’t look particularly attractive. And it also shows the importance of connecting such branch lines with a broader network, to serve as its first and last mile connection.

Progress on all of these things has been slower than you’d like, and some of the progress has actually recently been destroyed in a huge flood (for some of the lines in the Euregiobahn network), but things are definitely improving.

[libraford]

I owe you all a story about kittens. But its about... a little more than kittens. It's a long one.

I want to tell you all about the kittens, which took place in 2019. But in order to do so, I have to take you back even further, to March of 2018, and concludes in 2021. Because it's about kittens, but it's also about business and all the things that can go wrong.

In March 2018, tragedy struck. The owner of the flower shop died unexpectedly, leaving the business to four capable managers. One of those managers was the man that had hired me, leaving a power vacuum at our location. Grandpa was not the first choice to take the lead, but she stepped up and she became manager. In my opinion, there was no better person for the role: she had only ever worked in the flower industry (assuming we're not counting the one week in 1976 when she worked at a pizza parlor,) and as such she knew the business inside and out.

Prior to this, she had taught all of the designers and practically ran the place when the boss was out, so it was the next logical step. And it was good.

Of course, we had our ups and downs. What I did not realize when I joined the flower shop is that the flower industry is volatile- there are so many variables that went into the creation of floral pieces and if there is one misstep you can be set back anywhere from a day to several thousand dollars. There are late deliveries, there are frightening brides, there are missing piñatas… van fires, flower snobs, color corrections, failed psychics, friends, enemies…

You can set the bar so very low and yet…

The rise and fall of drama at this particular flower shop could be dictated into hours and minutes because sometimes you need to hire people just to fill that space. Grandpa was on record by saying 'if they can walk, talk, and spell their name, hire them.' Even so, we were critically understaffed most of the time because if you hire anyone you're going to get a lot of quitters.

It's a tough cycle to break, and our power was limited.

And we had bigger fish to fry: we had an average of thirty funerals, two weddings, and well over six hundred deliveries per week. Business was booming and we just had to keep up- if you make it one week after the next it doesn't feel so bad.

By March of the following year, the four owners had whittled down to two: my former boss and the former webmaster. We had a district manager now, some kind of accounts position… things like that. It was kind of astonishing that before this, all the work had been done by a single man. But the secrets to his success had died with him.

Things were looking good, actually: the flower business was full of life! We were doing all kinds of special events, starting contracts with businesses and getting our name out there. Drama still plagued us, but as far as I'm aware, that's par for the course for flower shops.

Then, in May 2019, tragedy struck. A tornado ripped straight down the street of our headquarters, demolishing the greenhouse and the historical building that it all started in. No one was injured, but the damages were devastating. Despite all this, we kept working.

We worked hard. And hard. And hard.

And though the new warehouse wasn't slated to be finished until 2021, we reached an equilibrium where things were okay.

But before I get to that, I made a promise to you.

It was a hot day in August and I was walking into my closing shift at 10am. After two years of working with roughly the same people, you got to learning how to tell when something was happening. I walked in to everyone staring at me and acting 'natural.' It never looks natural.

In the back of the store, there was a box that Cherry was standing very purposely in front of.

"What's in the-"

"Sh!" Grandpa spied through the window in the cooler door as someone swung out with a purchase. "Did you find something you like," she asked the customer, trotting over to help him at the register.

"What's happening," I asked Blue.

"Nothings happening, it just kind of… happened."

"Blue… what does that MEAN?"

"There's a customer here, I can't talk about it."

I am bursting at the seams to know what's going on.

Grandpa fared the customer well and went back to her station behind the computer. "Open the box," she said.

Ominous, but okay. I go over to the box and Cherry steps aside. There's something moving inside the box and I wonder if Pam's daughter had folded herself into a box to ride out a panic attack again. I carefully opened the flaps of the box and accidentally disturbed the sleep of-

Four.

Tiny.

KITTENS!

Oh my god, it was the most adorable thing in the world and the poor things were screaming because they had only known the world for a few weeks and everything was strange and blurry and all they knew to do was cuddle for warmth and scream. The box consisted of two black kittens, one tuxedo kitten, and a white seal-point with terminal eye goop.

They immediately started climbing up my arm.

"Not that I'm not thrilled, but… why?"

"Stray cat left her babies out by my pond and wasn't just gonna leave the little fuckers," Grandpa said. The seal-point made it all the way up my shoulder to scream in my ear and stare at me with one clear blue eye. "That one's name is Pop-eye. He's my favorite."

"Jake doesn't get along with them," I surmised. Jake was Grandpa's Australian Shepherd. He was old, blind, deaf, and losing his sense of smell. And he was ornery.

"First thing he did was sit on Pop-eye. So they're gonna be at the shop during the day until we can get them all homed. Know anyone that needs a kitten?"

So, for awhile, we had shop cats. One of the all black twins had been claimed the very next day, but the rest of them were with us for some time. We got very good at feeding them all every hour on the hour and eventually they settled into accepting that 'mom' was seven different people.

In the meantime, we had to hide the three of them from visiting management.

This was not my first round with cat-related crimes.

The district manager, Puppet, was due to come for a visit any time that week. He was supposed to come once a month for a routine check in, and there were only ten days left in August. Likewise, we had to hide the kittens from the customers on the off chance that one of them was a secret shopper.

Backtracking once more to explain: the company had shelled out money to pay a third party to send secret shoppers to grade us on a rubric and also whatever they thought was appropriate. The grades were cleanliness, customer service, how knowledgeable we were of products, things like that. If we got above 90%, there would be a bonus in our next paycheck.

Sounds great, right?

The spies could decide that anything wasn't up to their standard. One woman went on and on about our 'black wall,' which was the outside of our cooler and I'm sorry but… that's not changing. There was a complaint that the table at the front used to showcase our bridal seemed out of place and odd. There dirt in the flower pots… where dirt goes. Corporate reads those comments.

So keeping the children out of sight of the customers and any visiting management became our priority.

'So just keep them in the break room,' I hear you, the reader, suggest.

If you've never owned cats, it is imperative for you to know that they are mostly comprised of spine, and only the smallest of openings will deter them from squeezing into parts unknown. Cats are semi-solids. Kittens are semi-solids with a sense of adventure and little tiny needles for fingernails.

And you can't just tape the box shut.

So… they got out. Well, two of them got out. The tuxedo awoke to find that her brothers had gone exploring without her and did the sensible thing, which was cry about it.

Mood.

I have named this cat Brood X Cicada. The black one can be named Abyss. I'm great at naming cats.

Lucky for us, they're only a few weeks old and walk kind of like little tin soldiers. It took all of five minutes to pry Pop-eye from a piece of Styrofoam and locate Abyss exploring an old toolbox. However, by the time I'm done cat collecting, Brood X Cicada had toddled off in search of her brothers and I'm out of hands to hold kittens in. I stuffed Abyss into my apron pocket and tried to save X from eating plastic.

It is at this moment that Cherry came in to tell me that Puppet the District Manager was on his way, and saw that I was helplessly juggling kittens. Abyss was climbing out of my pocket, eager to join his siblings in the high and exalted position that was my hands.

"We need these kittens out of here," I said. "Who hasn't been on lunch yet?"

Cherry dodged her head back into the workshop. "Hey Key, you been on lunch?" Pause. "You wanna go now?"

Key came into the back room and I handed her the box of kittens. "Take these, in your car. Go to burger King or something, I don't care. Puppet cannot see these. If anyone asks, you're on a route."

Key held the box and took a moment to appreciate the series of events that lead to her being handed a box of kittens in a 'Take this, don't ask questions' kind of matter.

Puppet was in the front door as Key was out the back and we successfully avoided a serious mistake. His visit was only an hour and she walked back in without anyone the wiser.

We made it through the big challenge, now to continue looking for homes for them. Ms. Crow found a friend of a friend of a friend that was excited to take Abyss from us. After some interrogating my friends, I found someone who knew someone who could take Pop-eye and Brood X Cicada. (They were renamed Hocus and Pocus.)

Grandpa cried for every single one of them that had to go. And I remembered my very first day of working there when she introduced herself as 'The Tinman.' What a liar, the softy.

Our days went on kitten-free, the management none the wiser.

It was December when I got the feeling that I should be taking photos of my work to build a portfolio. Something wasn't right, I felt. I couldn't say what it was that put me on edge, but I could only say that all was not well. I took photos of everything that I was proud of, and I was proud of a lot of things. By February, I had over fifty items that I could show off to a potential studio. And I thought- in March, I should start looking to see if other shops are hiring.

And in March 2020, tragedy struck. Our state went into lockdown on March 13, dictating that all non-essential businesses close and non-essential staff be laid off. There were two days where none of us knew what was happening, if we had jobs or if that job was safe.

They laid off all but three designers and Grandpa but kept most the drivers, changed our hours to 8-5, closed Sundays. Canceled weddings. No walk-ins. The three designers were Blue, Red, and me.

Blue was worried about her children. She resigned.

Red's wife was worried about him and harassed him into quitting.

And then there was one.

There's a series of poems I wrote in my journal about being an essential worker during lockdown. There's adorable little doodles of skeletons around the margins, festooned with flowers. They all go something like this:

We are the Skeleton Crew.

We once were seven but now are two

We don't know what to do

So we just work, work, work.

Many may wonder how a flower shop would be considered an essential business. The answer is funerals. We were allowed to remain open because of our relationship with the funeral industry. And sad to say: the industry was booming.

And I did all of it. I made every spray, every 'get well soon' vase, every 'happy quarantine' bouquet. I called angry brides to see if they could postpone, I dealt with everyone's grief and uncertainty.

All the flowers that arrived at US Customs through Italy were destroyed because we didn't know whether coronavirus was transmitted through physical contact and there's no way to sanitize flowers. Not without killing them.

It was me and Grandpa. That was it. Ten funerals a day, and everything else. Flowers were more important than ever: you couldn't be there, so you sent flowers. And flowers and flowers and flowers…

I couldn't leave now. I was important, I was needed.

The work became overwhelming for both of us and we began hiring back some of our staff. Some came back right away, bored out of their skulls having to spend time at home. Can't relate. Key never responded, Cherry was pregnant and shouldn't be out of the house.

Dandy came back, Kali came back, Astra came back. Eventually, Blue. After a month of just me and Grandpa, there was almost a full crew and it was enough for us to get through an average week. It took us a month on our bare knuckles but we finally weren't shouldering the responsibility of seven people.

But we still didn't know jack shit about the future there.

In May, the 'economy opened up,' which is a strategic way of saying that people got tired of never leaving the house and stores were pressured to open back up again before a vaccine was released under threat of… you know what? This isn't a story about how America responded to the coronavirus poorly and you can probably find a better thinkpiece about it written by someone with facts and feelings if you want to squeeze yourself behind a pay wall.

This is about workers rights and kittens, two things that are far more important than the economy.

We got 'Hero Pay,' which was two dollars extra per hour and damn did I grasp onto that with the tendons in my wrists. I had never been paid $12 an hour for anything in my life. They started talking about permanent raises, and benefits, 401K, pregnancy leave… and I started thinking… maybe I could stay. Maybe I can stay here for awhile and it won't be so bad now that I'm getting paid actual human wages. Maybe it will be okay.

Life returned to an uneasy normal while we navigated mask laws, sanitation regulations, safety screens, and daily temperature checks. There are stories to tell about some less than great customers we'd had as people realized that they weren't coping with the pandemic as well as they thought, but they deserve their own entries.

We had a revolving door of open positions. If it wasn't a designer it was a driver or both. People weren't ready to come back to work yet but we still had a business to run. People asked if they could perform this job remotely. I'm not sure how one does flowers from home.

It was August when we started feeling the roots of our problems seep into the foundation.

Grandpa's pride and joy was her funerals. She had spent thirteen years building a relationship with the funeral homes in the area to make sure they trust us and our work. If anything was wrong, even a hair out of place, they knew they could call us and have it fixed before the visitation.

"We want unity across the board on our products," Puppet said. "If you're doing the sprays one way and others don't look the same, it doesn't look very good for Oldman Funeral Home, which has locations in all our cities, does it?" He swept his bangs out of his eyes, which was strange tell but we weren't sure for what.

"Okay," Grandpa said. "Schedule a time for me to go down and I'll teach them the way we do them."

"Okay, then."

She went down, prepared to show the crew in the warehouse what 40 years in the business was capable of, only to be met with a strange kind of resistance.

Their head designer greeted her and immediately started instructing her on how he makes sprays. Grandpa, confused, blinked at him with no words. When he was finished, she picked up her clippers and began making her own.

"That's not how we do it," he said. She was met with criticism after criticism. "That's not enough flowers, you're putting them in wrong, you're still making it one-sided. Why did you put the bow there, this looks nothing like our products."

She stood back after his barrage of blows to the ego. "I guess I'm a little confused."

"I'll say."

"Am I teaching you or are you teaching me?"

"I'm teaching you," he said. "Since they're going to all be made here from now on, they want me to show you how we make them in case of emergency."

She let that simmer. "That's not what I was told."

"You didn't think you were supposed to show me how you do it, did you? That doesn't make any sense. Why would we want to look like yours?"

"Oh, I dunno… maybe because we've kept up 30 accounts for 13 years and your location just lost your very last one because you can't make their delivery times and they're across the damn street."

This was how we learned that corporate was planning on taking our funerals from us.

Funerals were something I was immensely proud of. My ability to turn out a thousand dollar funeral order with limited stock was a subject of envy. I could take a phone order, make the flowers, and the deliver it all by myself within an hour. I was good. We were all good. And we trained anyone that stayed longer than two months how to do this because we wanted every person to be able to fix any problem.

And they wanted to take that away from us.

And they did. Because who was going to stop them?

'But what does that matter to you,' I hear you, the reader, ask. 'Surely this meant less work for you!'

Ah, but for the sprays to get to us, they had to come on a truck. Making them in-house meant that we knew we had them. We had to put our trust in corporate to deliver the goods to us by 7 am or we would have to make them day of.

There were days when the truck didn't come, or where only half the pieces were delivered, or a spray got left in the workshop an hour away. At least once a week, often more.

But you know… we adapted. You just schedule more openers to make sure no one is doing it alone and hope to God that you have all the flowers you need to make it. Which you could never anticipate how many flowers you would actually need because them taking our funerals was supposed to reduce the amount of stock flowers we got as well.

Mornings were nightmares, but we adapted.

Another visit, Puppet told Grandpa that she should get all weekends off. All the other managers do. He suggested that I learn to run routes so she can have weekends, and I said okay. I'll learn it.

I got real acquainted with the map of Ohio, and I hated it. I was a weekend manager with no real managerial power. If someone needed a refund, I had to write a note for Grandpa to email the accounts manager because she wouldn't take requests from anyone that wasn't a manager. Everything just waited until Monday. What was the point of me? I couldn't design while managing and I couldn't fix what was broken, so why even have a weekend manager? Let the animals loose in the zoo and it probably would have been a better fit.

But I powered through. I adapted.

Throughout all this, spreadsheets. Spreadsheets, spreadsheets, spreadsheets. Completely pointless spreadsheets that we were bound to fill out all day every day. They had simple purposes: inventory. You filled one out to take count of the specials so you knew how many there were. Then you had to count again to put them in the system so that they knew how much we had. Then you had to go back and count them again and put that number in the computer so they knew how much to make and send tomorrow.

I spent an hour each day counting and recounting the flowers in the far-off and futile hope that the counts would remain accurate to the end of the day (which they did not because the call center consistently used the wrong codes) and that the stock would be replenished properly in the morning (it was not.)

An hour was lost each day to this and it accomplished nothing, yet they always yelled at Grandpa if the counts were off or it was late. Why stress a system that does jack shit?

And every time there was a new feature or there was a new… thing, oh look! Another goddamned redundant spreadsheet that served no purpose.

But we adapted. We created a rhythm.

Show up early at 6:30 to make sure everything got in, make everything that didn't, get the drivers routed, pull routes for the third party deliveries, process same-day orders, data entry for the funeral consolidated. Then at 7, when the phones start ringing…

Okay, so before I forget:

Instead of installing a new phone line and hiring a few more call center people like a normal company would, our headquarters decided it would save us money if call overflow rerouted to the next available phone line, regardless of which location the phone was at. So we would get calls for the Kentucky store asking questions about what that store has and for the sake of preserving confidence in our brand we were supposed to pretend that we were the Kentucky store. We're just supposed to know or assume to know what each store had in stock because there's no way that could ever backfire.

It was… another thing to yell at us for. And boy did they, because they were listening in on our calls. Not to like… coach us on how to do better, but to tell us we were wrong. Sometimes they would call one of us on the other line to tell someone currently on the main one that they said something wrong. They also would straight up lie and scold us for calls we didn't take. The phones system, was simply a mess.

...so when the phones started up at 7am, and one person is designing, one person is taking unending phone orders, Grandpa is doing damage control. By 8, we have most of last nights orders figured out and it's time to start on same day orders and tomorrow's orders. It's too early to do inventory now because they'll yell at us for doing it too early.

By 9 we have our second wave of same day orders and next day orders, the rest of the world realizes we're open and starts walking in. That requires the attention of an entire person. We're at this point also taking out trash, breaking down boxes, disinfecting, sweeping the cooler.

Typically, there were only two openers on any given day, which meant most of this was all being handled by Blue or me.

By 10 we've caught up, we can do the inventory now without getting yelled at by the four heads at corporate. We're on route #3 by now and someone probably had to go to the same place twice because the orders came in late.

At 11, a crisis has probably happened. Something dropped, something wilted, something wasn't what they imagined. Someone has to go fix it, and that someone was usually me because I knew my way around town better than the other transplants.

This typically returned me to the shop around 1pm, which meant it was time for lunch, bringing me to 2. 3 o'clock was the cutoff for any next day orders to be sent to corporate, which meant that if there were any funeral orders taken for the morning, they would have to be made in-house. This included sprays, which takes half an hour to an hour depending on how complicated it was and if we had the materials and how much else we needed to make for the next day. Or how busy we were.

There was always something called in at the last minute, taking us to 4 and then 5 o'clock, when the openers went home and the same-day orders were cut off.

But see, that was when we stopped taking orders, not when we stopped processing orders. So if an order was placed for the same day at 4:59, it may not go through until 5:30. And by 5:30, chances are you've sent your drivers home for the day. Which means calling the customer to apologize and explain why something can't be sent out today, and no one wants to hear that they fucked up by sending it out late.

So, on more than one occasion, I had to personally deliver flowers on my way home from work in my personal car, thirty minutes out of my way because if we miss a delivery by God will we hear about it. And it was always some damn $25 arrangement with 'God Loves You' written on the tag, hardly worth the gas to Johnstown.

The irony of it being delivered by the witch was lost on no one.

If that didn't happen and the screen was clear, the night was easy and all we had to do was clean up and watch the door.

Unless a last minute order for the next day came in, which was about half the time. All of this for $11 an hour. (Once they got rid of the Hero Pay, it went back down to $11.)

That was an average, unexciting day for us. You got used to those kinds of stresses, but every day I came home and I was so tired and sore that I couldn't move. I started walking with a cane, had a low-grade fever most days, and my hands looked like I'd taken to them with a cheese grater.

But I powered through. I adapted.

Then it was December. The owners had always been generous with Christmas bonuses, handing everyone an envelope of cash. Mine was $500. This was the largest amount of cash that anyone had ever handed me (feel bad for me later.)

And then it was Grandpa's turn, but there were no envelopes left. It had to be a mistake, she thought. She didn't get paid very much for all the work she put into the shop, so she was counting on that bonus to buy presents for her grandchildren. It… it… had to be a mistake, right?

"I didn't get a bonus," she said. "I thought the accountability didn't take effect until January," she said to Puppet.

Before he opens his mouth again, I have to explain yet another thing.

In September, there was a meeting. Now that we were working on benefits and bonus programs and other things to make sure the staff stays, they needed to put in accountability measures for the managers. Effective January 1, managers are reflected by the income of their store, the number of returns, accidents in company vehicles, and high turnover rates.

Pick one of those attributes and decide its bullshit to begin with, and I'm about to show you the entire steer.

"We had to make an example of someone," he said. "So that the other managers know we're serious."

She was being personally punished for a car wreck that happened in 2019 even though she fired the guy that was in it. We had too many returns, he said, but most of them were sent to us from corporate. She was personally held responsible for the high turnover rate during an economic crisis AND a goddamned pandemic… because they needed to make an example out of someone.

And her grandkids didn't get presents this year because of it.

She cried. The last time I saw her cry was when we were saying goodbye to the kittens. It's not the same.

But she got up every day and listened to them scream at her while we counted and counted and recounted the fucking Christmas specials because the numbers weren't right and we couldn't make them right because someone in the call center couldn't figure out the codes and in their eyes it was our fault, too- we had to be stealing the flowers or something.

"It sucks and then its over," she said. It was how she dealt with holidays: "It sucks and then its over."

We were all angry for her. I got asked to go to the headquarters and help them mass produce more fucking specials and I offered the beat them up for her and she told me not to get involved. Head down, do the work, get it done.

One of the call center girls died of a heart attack a few days before I was due to help them mass. We were supposed to go to her funeral, but we all missed it because there was so much work to do.

Wait, let me back up… again. The company gave us all life insurance. The number we were quoted on our life insurance policy was $10,000, which seems like a lot but in the funeral business it's not. Your average funeral will eat up most of that, if not all. It's very expensive to die right now.

At least… we all thought it was $10k. I was certainly told $10k.

Turns out it was $1k, which isn't enough to buy you a box for your remains. The call center crew ended up crowdsourcing the rest- she didn't have much family.

And none of us could go to the funeral because we were working.

I worked two twelve hour shifts in that warehouse making the same goddamn centerpiece over and over again while a Frenchman in a scarf told me I was doing it wrong, while everyone was grieving on a time crunch.

I really should have beaten them up.

But we got through Christmas, for what it was worth. We found Grandpa some sales that she could get gifts from and we all worked together to make sure we were okay through it. I mean, we weren't- it was blind leading the blind. But we tried.

And then it ended. "It sucks and then its over," she'd always say.

And into January we go and we're back into the stupidity of trying to fight with hq about funerals. I'm constantly told that if we needed certain things we should have ordered them.

I… did. I did. I ordered everything we needed every damn day and it still never came because the left hand and the right hand can't even coordinate enough to pull off a high-five. But it can't be their fault. It has to be Grandpa's somehow.

Now during the week of Christmas, Grandpa had to take an extra day off because she got sick. It wasn't Covid, thank goodness. I can imagine it was a stress-related issue, but it's not my business. Due to the holiday, this put her at under 40 hours for the week.

So they paid her hourly.

...which is extremely illegal to do to a salaried employee, especially one that works way more than 40 hours a week with no overtime.

And then they told her that she'd already lost her quarterly bonus because of a fender-bender that happened on my watch, and because she lost 39 employees last quarter.

I write everything down. I keep a journal. I cannot find 39 employees, even going back the entire year… during a pandemic. They have to be making this up. They have to be because there is no way they can hold the dude that was fired for literally sleeping in the men's room against her.

And I was close to just telling them all that… when my grandma died.

I'm not getting into it, really. Because you know… she was 96 years old and… it happens. It's sad, but it happens. But the relevant point to make is that I was given an… inheritance. It wasn't a lot. Grandma wasn't loaded. But it would be enough for me to keep afloat for awhile if I ever needed to.

When I told my girlfriend, she said: 'you could quit your job.'

And I didn't want to think about that because the flower shop needed me. I was important there. I was special. And Valentine’s Day was just around the corner.

But I was thinking about it. I thought about it every day.

A week before Valentines Day, Grandpa was inconsolable. She had to leave work because her dog, Jake, wouldn't stop bleeding. She needed to get him to the vet.

Two hours pass and Blue gets a message asking her to come help her move the dog. Grandpa lives alone and she's not very strong.

Blue doesn't like dogs. She was bitten by one the first time she ever made a delivery.

And I am known for exceptional physical strength. So I went.

When I arrived, Grandpa was a mess. I had never seen her cry so much, and it wouldn't stop. And I was trying to be strong, but it's hard. Jake was still alive, but bleeding. He was confused and upset, and blind and deaf. He barked, he growled, and he lunged… but always pulled back when his legs buckled from the pain.

I had her grab a blanket and we rolled him onto it, using that to lift him. He thrashed and growled and snapped at me while we walked him towards the door, but he wasn't getting out of the wrap we had him in.

As we're out the door, I noticed a man at the neighboring house. He raised his hand in greeting, but lowered it in confusion.

"Grandpa, is it alright if I get him to come help while you bring the car around?"

The best she could do was nod.

"Yeah, sorry, to bug you but can I ask for a little help here?" He looks at what we're doing and drops his trash can lid to come help. "Yeah, just take that end there and we're gonna ease him into the car when she comes around."

He nodded, took the ends, and we tucked a very confused Jake into the back seat. I thanked the neighbor, Grandpa sped off, and I went back to work feeling extremely odd about it.

That was the first time that I'd ever met the dog: on his way to be put down.

I know it seems weird to tell that story, but there's a reason. Part of it is symbolic. Part of it has to do with kittens. But we're not there just yet.

So now it's February and it is crunch time for Valentine’s Day. We have no earthly idea what this holiday is going to look like because past experiences have us anticipating a large number of walk ins, but state regulations have put a limit of six customers inside the store at any one time. We were never given any… instructions on how to enforce that rule, so we just kind of vaguely set out roles for who has to be the bouncer at the flower shop.

But before all of that, we had to make 275 two-dozen red rose arrangements in bowls. Based on our sales last year and general growth, we were expecting something close to five hundred deliveries on our busiest day. If I wasn't making them, I was counting them. And I was counting, and I was counting, and I was counting… every hour, just like it was at Christmas. We used up every single red rose in the place and came up short.

To which we were scolded: we must have used the roses they sent us for other orders because there was no way the error could have been on their end! Their inventory was impervious to mistakes. Somewhere between the warehouse and our store, twenty-five packs of roses went missing! And why is it only our store that has these problems? Clearly it must be our fault- a store full of thieves and liars and delinquents.

They ended up sending more just because… you know… they care. I guess.

And every hour, they needed a number of something and I counted, and counted and counted…

I think it was February 8 that I started crying every day. When I slept I was stiff as a board because I made so many mistakes throughout the day that the idea of coming to work the next day just to make more mistakes made me lock up entirely. There was no way to relax. There was no winding down from a hard day of work because my body could not move anymore.

I felt like I was made of splintering wood.

I had a dream around this time that I quit my job. I was so happy. I thought about it almost every hour.

So I stayed out of the way at work, picking up cleaning projects because at least there I could be useful and it was dark enough in the cooler that if I started crying no one had to see it.

That cooler was so clean. I wouldn't recommend eating off of it because I used an entire bottle of bleach to clean the floor.

If we're not counting the constant barrage of demands from corporate to count, count, count; Valentine’s Day was worryingly uneventful. Previous holidays were chaotic: filling the requests of the most desperate and clueless men with deep pockets and expensive tastes. Corralling the temporary drivers and make sure no one gets into any crashes or… uh...tries to sell unregulated merchandise from their trunks. Trying to decide what "Malibu Barbie Pink" meant for that one customer who comes in every six months and orders it but has rejected every color pink on the spectrum that our store has ever offered.

On this one… nothing important happened.

We were… slow.

Grandpa started sending people home early because there weren't many orders. We ran out of projects to do.

Sounds great, right?

...heh…

Corporate would like to know why our store is under projected sales by over 200, as if we have any say in how many people buy from us. Like we personally called all our typical customer base and told them not to come to this store. "Yes, hello Mrs. Penderghast? I'm sorry we can't fill your Valentine's Day order this year because we suck balls and don't want your business. Have a nice weekend. Say hi to the grandkids for me."

I don't… fucking KNOW! I don't work in PR! I'd ask the people in that department if they know what happened but… that's the owners. So who really is the fuckup here? Not me, that's for fucking certain! I cleaned the cooler. That's all I did all weekend was clean the Gods damned cooler because there wasn't enough work to go around so I made work for myself.

And then: "Why are the counts off," asked Mt. Rushmore. See, we called them that because between the owners, Puppet, and the head designer we had four white men looking down at us while we did all the work and built their success on the backs of their forefathers. Well… to me it was anyway. To everyone else it was four dudes that looked down on you.

"Why are the counts off?"

Oh, the COUNTS are off? Well, let me just drop everything I'm doing right now and count them for the third time in the past hour because that takes fucking priority.

"There's 95 specials missing from your inventory. Where are they?"

...okay, 95 is a lot. But it was also kind of hard to know how they were 'missing' when we'd sold all of the 275 that we made. How can they be missing if we sold them.

"We need to know where they are."

We don't know where they are. Because we sold all of them. The math didn't add up.

But they hounded us about it like we'd stolen them and resold them on the street corner. Which, to their defense, had happened once (but Sugar stopped doing that when her corner was taken over by the woman who accused Jay of being a demon.) But 95 is a huge number, and these arrangements were a foot wide and two feet tall. Someone would have noticed if a 100x200 foot square opened up in the cooler.

We literally could not know what the fuck they were talking about.

And the truth was extremely stupid: those 95 pieces were redeliveries. When someone has an issue with their order, like it didn't come or it was left out in the snow and got damaged or… someone put the name of their ex on the card instead of their wife… we send a replacement. But depending on who took the phone call, a person might use the wrong code and put it in for 'redeliver' instead- which counts it as another order.

We weren't missing 95 arrangements. We had 95 redeliveries. They hounded us about inventory for two days over a clerical error.

I decided I'd had it. We were going on a full week of crying every time I had a moment alone. They had made us feel like everything that went wrong was our fault: from low turnout to high turnover, missed deliveries and trashed sprays, lost accounts and new grievances…

But did they ever say a Gods damned thing about how hard we worked? How good we were? About how great a team we were under pressure? We once pulled together an entire wedding in fifteen minutes. My ass carried this store through the pandemic. I have done… so much.

So fucking much.

And yet it's our fault.

I had been reasoning with myself that I would stick around for the aftermath when Grandpa was eventually fired: we'd all felt it was coming. But I got that little bit of cash and all my joints were screaming and every time we got negative feedback a part of me died.

The following Tuesday had seen a massive snowstorm. Things that weren't already closed due to the pandemic were closed due to weather.

But we still had to be there. Because someone had to be there to make all the funeral pieces.

Because there wouldn't be a truck the next day, which meant that all of the funeral pieces that we'd sent to the headquarters needed to be made in-house. Which, once again, could have been avoided if we had kept the funeral orders in-house to begin with.

I waited until everyone had cleared out before I said it.

"Grandpa, I have to quit."

I don't think anyone ever looked so disappointed in me in my life.

"Why?"

"The way they treat people here is terrible and I can't see myself doing another Mother's Day for this company. They're so… mean! And for no damn reason! I have cried every day for the past week because I see the way they treat you and I'm… I'm tired."

I thought she was going to cry, but she nodded. "I can't stop you," she said. "I shouldn't stop you. If it's affecting your mental health like this, I'll miss you but its for the best. You know they'll want a written notice."

"And you know I'll tell them the truth," I said.

"...it's not me, is it?"

"If I worked for just you and those fuckers were out of the picture, I would stay. And you can count on me to tell them that."

"Any flower shop you apply to would be lucky to have you."

So I drafted up a resignation letter telling them exactly how I feel: that the way they run this company was asinine and they treated their employees like garbage. They received it on Thursday. Everyone at the shop knew by then. They were upset…

...but they understood.

Puppet did not understand. He emailed Grandpa asking her what she's doing that her people keep leaving.

He didn't see it. He didn't see that he was part of the problem. It always had to be someone else's fault. I explicitly said in my letter whose fault it was and he still didn't take any responsibility.

But suddenly I'm one of their best designers, and he begged me to reconsider, take some time off to think about it. They desperately wanted me to stay and they were willing to bargain, I just needed demands.

No one's ever… begged me before. I don't know if I like that.

This is when it dawned on me that I was next in line. It all made sense now: training me to route, making me do all the extra work, and now they want me to stay?

They were planning on getting rid of Grandpa and promoting me to manager. In a perfect world where Grandpa resigns willingly and I’m promoted on my merits as a designer and the company wasn’t very quickly circling the drain, I would be excited. But I wasn’t. I was frightened. I watched them take a confident, extremely talented woman and turn her into the whipping boy of the flower shop. And if I were in her position, I would have quit. But I don’t have the strength to stand up to the people that are signing my paycheck.

Why… am I at a place where the idea of moving upward makes me more scared than excited?

Flattering, but no. I've seen how you treat your people. My demands are to treat them better.

It was the longest week for me: making lists of pros and cons. I had made a lot of friends there and there's stuff that I will never forget. But the fact that the only people who didn't understand why I was leaving were the people who had the most to lose really hit me in the knees. I could tell them every day for the rest of their lives why they suck and it wouldn't matter because nothing was ever their fault.

And at 7:00 on Friday, I turned in my key.

I didn't have a plan, I didn't have anything lined up. This was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make and I was just kind of… throwing myself at it.

I don't do that. I always have a plan. I look into every possible scenario and I try to make the smart choice. And this time…

I didn't.

It was probably stupid.

But I slept for 12 hours the next night and I could feel my bones settling into their rightful places. I didn't realize how many health problems were caused by standing for 9 hours a day, 11 days a week until I was home all the time to notice them changing. I will always have a limp from trying to pretend I don't have a limp. I'm pretty sure that ulcer is chronic. But my back isn't seizing up and I don't cry every day anymore.

That's something, I think.

About a week after my departure, I got a text from Grandpa that said:

"Hey guess what."

"What," I replied.

The next text was a picture of a week's old seal-point kitten with terminal eye-goo, wrapped in a towel.

"Pop-eye!?"

"I'm keeping this one," she said. The strays had dropped a litter of identical baby kittens by her pond. Two years later, with Jake put down, she could finally have Pop-eye, even if it was version 2.0.

The next text was a few days later. "Puppet fired me."

"What!? Why?"

"Too many accidents, too high turnaround. The new people suck, he says no one wants to work with me."

"Are you okay? How are you doing?"

"I'm okay." She paused and the loading screen did its little dot dance. "I'm playing with my kitten."

[heejojo]

Love Isn't Beautiful But With You It Was

✰ summary: y/n and niki's journey from being enemies to friends to much more than that.

✰ pairing: Niki x fem!reader (and a Jay apperance)

✰ genre: fluff, angst, enemies to childhood friends to lovers

✰ warning: a few sad scenes but I'm not sure they'll be too bad! death

✰ word count: 1.8k (the most so far tbh)

a/n: this is my first fanfic so please leave comments about what should be improved. if you have any requests feel free to leave them! it's past 12am now and I need to sleep but I hope you have a nice day!

prompt gotten from @moonlight-chi77 thank you!

“Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was”

Life disappears in the blink of an eye, but the memories created and the human connection formed does not. The memories created are embedded in our hearts and follow us through different paths of life. Whether those memories are good or bad, they become something we reflect on in later moments.

Nishimura Riki couldn’t exactly remember the first time he met you but all he knew was that he had never hit off with someone the way he did with you.

September 2012

Although Niki couldn't pinpoint the exact date you guys started talking, he knew it was in September of 2012. He knew at first he disliked you and wanted nothing to do with you because you had stolen his spot on the swings.

“That's my spot, I told Jay I was going to stay here forever,” he said while his friend who was behind him nodded enthusiastically, backing him up.

“Your name is not on it and you didn’t buy it so why should I leave?” you asked him without coming down because you got there fair and square.

“I called dibs on it,” he said while puffing out his chest.

“Dibs are for babies,” you say while continuing to swing. “I’m not a baby,” he retorts.

“If you say so, then why are you wearing a Talking Tom T-Shirt?” you ask and his face begins to turn red. “It's cool, isn't it Jay?” he nudges his friend asking him for support. “Cool man, girls just suck” Jay responds and they both leave. “At least I dress myself!” you yell at their retreating figures

After that day, Niki made it his mission to disturb you every day and never wore his Talking Tom shirt again after that day.

August 2016

“Niki!!” you screamed as you felt another water balloon hit your leg. At this point, your entire body was soaked. The young boy continued to laugh and run as you chased him. You were beginning to regret spending your summer break with him when you could be watching TV instead. Eventually, you give up chasing the blond-haired boy and go into the house to dry off. Thirty minutes later, Niki comes in with a bottle of orange juice as a form of apology. You snatch it without further thought and drink it. Looking up at him after you finish drinking it, you both burst into a fit of laughter. “You’re lucky I love food,” you say. Maybe spending the summer with him wouldn't be so bad.

December 2018

Your crush on Niki was painfully obvious to everyone but him. Your friends teased you, his friends teased you yet when you were together you denied it with so much vigour. Niki had liked you for a few months now. Everyone was enjoying the slow burn that was going on between the two of you; the soft glances across the room, the way you always looked for each other among crowds, the way he knew where your secret birthmark was even though your close friends didn’t.

It was the way you complimented each other that made everyone cringe and aw at the same time. The jacket you got him for his birthday was his most prized piece of clothing and the only person he let touch it was his mum. This year though, you gathered enough courage and told him how he meant to you and how you were content with being just friends even if it hurt a little. But you weren’t expecting Niki to say he felt the same way, even more so. Your friends heaved a sigh of relief and choruses of ‘Finally’ were echoed.

It felt good being with someone.

January 2019

Everyone argued with people they loved right? Your parents did, the old lady that sells fruit and her boyfriend did so you and Niki weren’t an exception. After being childhood friends for so long you’d think you could trust each other enough to talk about the things that bothered you but he refused to, claiming that he didn’t want you to see him in a different light and how it would hurt his pride. You would tell him that no one knew him more and cared about him the way you did. At times, you’d let it go not wanting to push him but that day you couldn’t take it.

“We need to talk. Why have you been avoiding me these past few days?” you asked him.

“I’ve just been busy” he replied.

“No, you’ve been avoiding me. I know you well enough to know when you're hiding something” you said.

He wouldn't budge, he never did especially when you cornered him like this. He started to get irritated and said, “I said I’ve been busy so forgive me if I can’t give you attention all the time. Not all of us are as clingy as you” You winced; it was your fault for pushing him to the edge like that. Nevertheless, you wouldn't give up. “ I just want you to say how you feel and what bothers you. I’d never look at you in a different light and you know that. You might want to be strong but it’s okay to show some sort of emotion, it doesn’t make you weak rather it makes you look like someone that acknowledges what is wrong and doesn’t try to ignore the problem or solve it on their own” you comforted him. As the words entered his ears, you could see the walls surrounding his heart crumbling. “It’s okay to ask for help or just to rant to someone. Even if we won’t be able to provide an immediate solution, it should help” you added taking a few steps forward and grabbing a hold of his hands. You squeezed them tightly.

“I...I’m just scared you’ll leave once you see the not so perfect side of me” he managed to say. “I will stay with you, why don’t we make the best of everything without worrying about the future?” you asked while smiling. He returned it and pulled you in for a hug. “Thank you, truly,” he said and you smiled under his embrace.

After a few minutes you spoke up, “Oh yeah, Niki?” you called his attention and he hummed in response. “Don’t ever shout at me like that again, I can deck you and you know it” you said.

“Got it, boss. Sorry for being a jerk”

June 2020

You usually went on diets and exercised a lot but you were losing weight at an extreme rate and you weren’t even on a diet. Niki was worried but you brushed it off telling him it was stress from school but it got worse. You found it difficult for you to balance yourself, you felt nauseated, getting even more frequent headaches and being tired all the time so Niki decided that enough was enough and took you to the hospital. Neither of you had expected the result of the scans that were run.

“I’m sorry but there is a tumour in your brain,” the doctor said. The air left your lungs. “You can choose to get the surgery and live in the hospital for 8 months or live with the tumour for 3 months” he continued. You thanked him and left the hospital. The elephant in the room was very much alive and neither one of you wanted to address it. Did you want to stay in the hospital for the rest of your life or did you want to say with your loved ones? You thought that they would go through and that won’t be worth it.

“Niki” you called out.

He looked at you with a sad smile and just pulled you in for a hug, careful not to hurt you. “Do you want to tell your parents?” You nodded. You couldn’t just leave without saying anything. Picking your jacket, Niki drove you to your parents house.

“I just wanted you guys to know, I couldn’t just leave without saying anything,” you said with your eyes cast downwards. You couldn’t bear to look at your mom who was already crying or your dad who was blaming himself even when it wasn’t his fault or your sister who was basically your best friend. Niki had given you guys privacy but you knew it was just an excuse for him to be with his own feelings.

“I’m going to stay close to home in the meantime so I can be closer to you guys,” you said. Your eyes were already becoming glossy with tears. You inched towards your mom, taking her hand in yours and said, “You did an amazing job of being my mom and I love you so much”. Moving to your dad, you said “You did a good job of protecting me so don’t think otherwise. Let’s make all the memories we want to now without any regrets”. At that, your sister burst into tears “I… I can’t bear to lose you” Your heart clenched. “I can’t bear to lose you too” She continued crying. Your mom wiped her eyes and said, “From today, live the way you want to. Eat what you want and do what you want.” From the corner of my eye, I saw Niki staring watching the whole scene. After an hour, I stood up and went home with Niki. The car ride was a long and awkward one. When we got home, we just slept hugging each other.

Starting tomorrow I was going to live.

July 2020

The pain is getting worse but the smiles on my family and friends faces are enough to keep me going. I wrote letters and got gifts for them. Niki looks at the calendar every day, I can’t tell him to stop because I can tell he’s hurting so much. Why can’t I just be okay for everyone?

August 2020

The time comes faster, Niki and I went on a getaway for a few days. He deserved a break from everything that has been going on.

September 2020

I never thought I'd die as silly as that sounds. I asked my parents and sister to leave when I got to the hospital. Niki refused to leave and stayed there till I took in my last breath. He kept crying begging me not to go and how he’d do anything.

“Does it hurt a lot?” he asked between sniffles

“No it doesn’t, it just feels like a needle” it hurt like a truck.

“Liar”

I chuckled and held his hand till I couldn’t anymore. “I love you’’ I say as the lights fade.

╔═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╗

Dear Nishimura Riki,

When you see this, it means I’m already gone. First of all, don’t beat yourself up too much. I could write for ages about how much I love you but now that I need to, my mind goes blank. You’ve done so well for putting up with me, hats off to you. You might not want to but move on, even though id like you to remember me; let your heart heal and be happy.

Take care of yourself and don’t skip any meals. Eat well and be happy, make sure you visit the places we never got to visit and enjoy yourself. Live life the way you want it every day. Be nice to people and smile more.

Thank you for all the happy memories, my love, I’ll be forever grateful for you. You made my life colourful and worth living.

Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was.

Yours truly,

Y/N.

[canonicallysoulmates]

Last year, I did a post looking back at some of the j2 moments 2019 and the 2010’s decade had given us, this year with it being so shit and so many of us needing some cheering up I thought I’d do a 2020 version.

So before we say fuck off to 2020 here are some of the j2 moments this year has given us:

SM isn’t everything but it’s still cute when the boys interact with each other online and the year actually started with it, with both boys liking each other’s New Year’s pictures with their kiddos:

X

Those weren’t the only SM interactions, on a more recent example by which I mean December they had this cute little exchange under a pic Jared posted were he was sleeping:

XX

And Jensen liked this cute pic of his smiling boy:

XX

Of course nothing compares to the best SM moment of the year: Jared’s beautiful, emotional, touching, heartfelt birthday message for Jensen 🥺:

And Jensen’s reply ❤:

X

Before everything went under lockdown we got one convention, among the moments we got from it were:

- Jared talking about his birthday post to Jensen, calling Jensen his boy and saying that he has pictures of him and Jensen just hanging out on his phone

full gifset

- Fist bump

- And a hug

full gifset

To me one of the best j2 moments 2020 gave us was the release of this amazing EW photoshoot that I will forever be in love with (especially this cover I will never be over this cover) 😍

This photoshoot was the gift that kept on giving! Not only did we get beautiful new photos of the boys, but we also got some amazing content from the bts like

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Look at them! The way Jensen closes his eyes and leans into Jared, the way they look at each other this is what love looks like people! 🥰 Find someone who will look at you like how j2 look are looking at each other in that gif. 

And even the accompanying interview gave us a little something with Jared saying that he burrowed strength from Jensen when he was struggling with the job

Padalecki, 37, who’s been vocal about his struggle in the early seasons, says. “I borrowed strength from Jensen.” x

And this is barely the tip of the iceberg I’m just providing some examples of what that photoshoot gave us but it was a feast!

Summer seemed to be the never ending dry spell, many wondered ‘will we ever get j2 content again?’ and the answer was...yes!

Starting with a little interview the boys did with small moments such as

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And Jensen confirming he and Jared still live near one another.

When Jensen appeared for the second time on Rosenbaum’s podcast he spend a good part of it being fond over Jared and making them sound totally married sharing a story about Jared’s preferred breakfast burrito and how he and Jared have bickered over it and of course starting of the panel by making it clear covid or no covid him and Jared would be making out:

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The boys had a joint virtual Q&A panel filled with moments, they were joking around, they made each other laugh, and it all started with Jensen saying how handsome Jared looked.

When filming wrapped up Jared and Jensen had their own celebration with dinner and champagne at one of their favorite restaurants:

"Jared and I wrapped on Thursday, and Saturday night he and I went to one of our all-time favorite restaurants, just us, and toasted with some champagne," Ackles says. x

Those two can’t get enough of each other so they road tripped part of the way home together!

“He and I just drove together all of our stuff across the border. So, we drove up together for season 1 and we drove away together for season 15.” - Jensen in the Chelsea Davis interview

Jared mentioning their road trip during a TVLine interview & during a TVInsider interview 

With Supernatural coming to an end a lot of interviews took place and provided us with content:

The Talk interview gave us a married moment, when the boys were asked who had the messier dressing room Jensen replied Jared did to which Jared literally went no sir, no sir. 

The CNN interview had the boys admitting not working together will be an adjustment with Jensen saying “So, it will be different, and that’s probably when he and I will call each other and be like, ‘I miss you so much!’” as well as this moment  "Oh, I thought you meant we fell in love," Ackles quips."We fell in love, too," Padalecki jokes. When I add that plotline was only in fan fiction, Ackles retorts, "Or was it?" Padalecki erupts in laughter. "There it goes the internet."

In an interview with Chelsea Davis Jensen once again brought up that him and Jared will be contacting each other from their new shows

“Jared said it, he’s like I don’t think it’s really gonna set in until we walk unto the set of some other show. But that’s fine cause then we’ll just turn around and call each other and be like ‘what’s your show like?’”

Jared having a little fond moment over Jensen during one of the TVline segments

Jensen saying that 15yrs ago him and Jared got on a rollercoaster (Supernatural) and that he couldn’t have asked for a better partner:

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Jared comparing him and Jensen finishing the show to the time they ran the Seattle Marathon together (yes, the marathon they ran together and crossed the finish line holding hands) 😭❤: 

“There were a lot of tears all over but Ackles and I were looking at each other like, ‘Man’. It was kind of like finishing the Seattle Marathon. We did it. Dude, we did it, you know? We put in the work…I’ve been with you for 15 years, 15-½ years. I’ve seen you sweat. I’ve seen you bleed. I’ve seen you hurt. I’ve seen you going through stuff personally and put it aside for this show, for your character and I know I’ve done the same and it was bittersweet.”  x

Jensen talking about his and Jared’s Impala’s in the USA Today interview

Ackles says he was “floored” by the gift: “And it's cool, because now Jared and I can just drag-race around Austin.”

“If we get pulled over, it'd be like, ‘Don't worry. FBI Agent Robert Plant,’" Padalecki adds.

“We've got FBI badges in the glove box,” Ackles confirms.

The last virtual panel of the year was Jared’s and it was full of love for Jensen; Jared mentioned him often, unprompted he shared the story of when the twins were born and how hectic it was for him and Jensen to return to Austin in time for their birth honestly hearing him talk about it it’s clear how important that day was for him too and it’s just so sweet, he said him and Jensen will definitely work together again and he hopes it’ll be sooner rather than later, also said Jensen has a standing invitation to do whatever he wants on Walker, and implied he’s already looked at his schedule to see if he could make it up to Toronto where Jensen will be working in 2021. 

And these are just some moments; I know that with everything going on and time losing all meaning it might have seemed like we had a j2-less year but as you can see that’s not true cause not even a pandemic or this hellish year were able to stop or dim the beauty that is j2 and their relationship. 

This men make me so ridiculously happy, and with this being such a hard year for all of us, for some more than others, it makes me all that extra grateful for them and to them for bringing a smile to my face. I hope that with this post they will bring a smile to yours. I personally am looking forward to seeing what j2 goodies 2021 gives us, I’m hopeful there’ll be plenty, our boys have new projects coming out, God willing cons will be able to pick up again in a safe way, and there’ll be even more j2 content to enjoy. 

Until then, stay safe, take care of yourselves, and Happy New Years my fellow tinhats! ❤