#and the therapy I’m doing is also improving my relationships with my cats LOL

[notveryshrugemoji]

Hahahaha excuse me while I quite literally sob over this

[gemjitsu]

Hello, I am new here. 🤚🏼I’ve never blogged, but I’m using this as a healing space. I’ve always been fair at writing, and I hold a lot of emotions within and I have never felt comfortable sharing my feelings. I feel okay about sharing things here, as I do not know anyone who uses this platform, and I can remain pretty well anonymous if I want to. 🥸 If you have anything to say to me, I only ask that you be kind, and respectful of my process. I googled some quiz questions, I’m shy and sensitive, don’t really know how to do a bedazzling intro. Lol 🤩

Is my name named after someone? No. My name is Tiffany, and my mother told me my name came to her in a dream. 🪬🔮

What is my zodiac sign? I am a Sagittarius Sun and Moon, Pisces Rising. 🌝🌚🐠

What is my favorite color? I love all colors, and my favorite changes frequently but I think right now I really like fluorescent red and shades of blue. Pink also is one of my favorites. 💜💙🩵💚💛🧡❤️🩷🎨

My favorite sport? I’m not much of a sports follower but I have been training jiu jitsu for about a year. 🫱🏼🤛🏼🥋

What kind of clothes do I like to wear? Comfortable clothes. If I could live in sweat pants and it would be socially acceptable, I would do it. 🥱

My favorite number? 3, 11, 13, 28 🍀

My favorite month of the year? November! 🍂🍁🍃

What is my favorite food? Anything sweet and spicy combination. I love Chinese food, and Mexican food. Love to cook! 🌮

What is my favorite song? Which genre? This is very hard to decide as I enjoy all sorts of music and have many favorites. My feel good song is “Roots” by The Green. 💚 🎼🎶

What kind of weather will make me feel uncomfortable? Probably a tornado, doesn’t sound too comfy. 🌪️

What is my current job? I am a physical therapy assistant. ⚕️❤️‍🩹🏃🏼‍♀️

Am I a disciplined person? Very disciplined. 🪷

Do I have any tattoos? Yes I have 4 tattoos. A yin-yang, a cherry blossom, some feathers, and a mountain goat. ☯️🐐

What is my pet’s name? 2 Dogs, Julius and Lilah, 1 cat, named George. 🐶🐶🐱

How do I go to work? Drive myself, thanks. :) 🚙

Where do I come from? Wyoming🇺🇸

What is my sexual orientation? Straight, Married. 💍

Do I collect anything? Yes. I collect gemstones/crystals, herbs, oddities, esoteric things. 💎🔮🌷☀️🌙✨🌿🍄

What kind of cars do I like? Subie gang. 🫶🏼

Describe my relationship with my family. It’s pretty complicated… I love my family, but shits kinda everywhere, and crazy. 😵‍💫

Do I intend to have children? At this point, if it happens it happens but I’m not really planning for it. I have two step children who are 17 and 19. 💫

If I could be someone else, who would I be? Me, but an improved version of me. 😇

Is my current job the same as my dream job? I love my job. I don’t know what my dream job is, I’d love to do something with art or holistic healing but it’s hard to say. I have too many interests and I get bored too easily to confidently say. Like if I could get paid to go to college and learn all the jobs, I would. I just love to learn. 🤓🤓🤓

When was the last time I was angry? Why? Who am I angry with? I get angry at jiu jitsu for sure. 😡😂

How did my worst breakup go? Not well, but for the best. 👍🏻

When was the biggest fight between me and my parents? Why? Well, I didn’t tell my dad that I got married, he found out 5 years later and was very hurt that I didn’t include him or the rest of my family in on my special day. I got married at the courthouse, my husbands best friend and my best friend as witnesses, and no one else was there. The plan was to have a real wedding one day, but I never could afford it. 🤫

Do I easily trust others? No. I have a select few I consider trustworthy. 🤨🤔

What kind of people do I hate the most? I don’t really hate anyone. I just can’t stand people who bum off of people and don’t even try to get a job. Oh! And people who intentionally litter. 🙄😑

Who was my first love? Why did we break up? Josh was my first real love. I had lots of “boyfriends” when I was younger…truly I was super boy crazy!! And a prude. 😆 I always thought the grass was greener somewhere else, and I got bored easily in relationships, and judgy. Idk, I stuck with Josh for two years, and then he started wearing girl pants and starting acting emo, and THAT was not my jam. Lol Dodged a bullet I think. He’s a cowboy now, and has a bunch of kids and baby mamas. He seems happy overall from what I’ve gathered on social media over the years, and that is comforting to me that everything happens for a reason. He’s a good person. I do only hope for the best for him and always will. 🛹👍🏻, 🖤😭👎🏻, 🤠👩‍🍼👩🏻‍🍼👩🏼‍🍼

What is my biggest fear? Why? I fear I will never feel comfortable in my own skin. 😰

What makes me most proud of myself? I do not often think of this. I spend more time putting myself down than trying to build myself up to be honest. I’m working on that though. For now, I guess I will say I’m most proud that I just keep going even when shit sucks. 😂 I’m also proud of my accomplishments and my artsy creations. 😊

If I could have one wish, what would it be? I would wish for more love and happiness and less anxiety and worry. 🥰

How comfortable is death for me? Trying to avoid it for now, I haven’t lived enough yet. Working on it though. ☠️

How do I like others to see me? I like them to see that I’m caring, and healthy, happy, and fun. 🤩

Who is the most important person in my life? My therapist would tell me that I’m supposed to feel like I’m the most important person in my life. I’m trying to learn how to agree. My family and friends are the most important. 🤷🏼‍♀️

What is true for me no matter what? You have to fight for your peace. ✌🏻

What was one failure that I turned into my biggest lesson? I failed many times, but I get back up and try again. Like my professor tells me, “Just keep showing up. Cuz ain’t nothin’ getting better if you ain’t showin’ up.” 🥷🏼

What are my priorities right now? I’m setting small achievable goals for myself right now. Currently working on self care, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I also have a family oriented goal of trying to make more of an effort to just be happy and enjoy the little things. 🛁🧘🏼‍♀️💆‍♀️

Do I believe that fate is predestined or self-determined? I do believe there are timely coincidences to note about throughout life. I believe we ride energetic waves to our greatest potential if we “tap in” and can stay tapped in without all of life’s stressors affecting the ability to do that. I also believe in luck and love. I believe in karma. I believe that all humans (myself included) as a whole… we can do better at some things. 👁️

If a relationship or job makes me unhappy, do I choose to stay or leave? I always stay. 😬

How many scars do I have on my body? Just one. On my nose. It’s honestly barely noticeable, but I see it and it’s a reminder of my strength. 💪🏻

Have I been in a traffic accident? I’ve been in a few. All come with lifelong lessons. Be present, be alert, be sober, and wear your seatbelt. ⛑️

What song do I only sing when I’m alone? “Sinner” by Leilani Wolfgramm. I don’t really sing in front of anyone though. So most songs I sing are when I am alone. I also love to sing the song “Vintage” by Blu DeTiger. 🤗

[cappymightwrite]

What are your thoughts on Ned Stark ?

Hi!

I have conflicted feelings on Ned. Probably just below Stannis, he's the Westerosi man most in need of therapy, in my opinion. Actually, that's an interesting comparison — Ned and Stannis, which I know has been commented on before. They're alike in many ways, in terms of reserve etc., which makes the fact that Robert saw Ned as his true brother all the more painful to Stannis (though of course this is never explicitly stated). But anyway, back to Ned.

There's certain things I struggle with in regards to Ned, even though I understand the reasoning behind his actions, or rather, inaction. So, it makes thinking back on him in a wholly positive and fond light somewhat difficult, as I suppose it must be for Sansa in a way, as well as for Jon, once his parentage is revealed. I don't wholly dislike him though, I actually value him a lot, I just take issue with:

Him never apparently trusting Catelyn enough to be honest about Jon's parentage (+ the way he avoids telling Jon, to some extent)

No matter how loving they were... there is this unresolved (and now forever unresolved) barrier at the heart of their relationship, an unequal exchange of trust, which was within Ned's power to lift, to make fully mutual. But he didn't. Now, he had his reasons, self-sacrificing and seemingly honourable as they may appear, and certainly the narrative required this secret to be kept. But even so, in terms of how I regard his character? It rubs me the wrong way because he never gave her the opportunity to sympathise and fully understand him, he cut himself off from that. And yeah, maybe it might not have improved Jon's situation all that much, but he never gave Cat the opportunity to think of him differently, in a way that wasn't dictated by the social mores of their world:

It had taken her a fortnight to marshal her courage, but finally, in bed one night, Catelyn had asked her husband the truth of it, asked him to his face.

That was the only time in all their years that Ned had ever frightened her. "Never ask me about Jon," he said, cold as ice. "He is my blood, and that is all you need to know. And now I will learn where you heard that name, my lady." She had pledged to obey; she told him; and from that day on, the whispering had stopped, and Ashara Dayne's name was never heard in Winterfell again.

Whoever Jon's mother had been, Ned must have loved her fiercely, for nothing Catelyn said would persuade him to send the boy away. It was the one thing she could never forgive him. She had come to love her husband with all her heart, but she had never found it in her to love Jon. She might have overlooked a dozen bastards for Ned's sake, so long as they were out of sight. Jon was never out of sight, and as he grew, he looked more like Ned than any of the trueborn sons she bore him. Somehow that made it worse. – AGOT, Catelyn II

"It was the one thing she could never forgive him" — yeah, me too honey! Ok, sure, we don't know for sure if Cat might have "overlooked" Jon's uneasy place in their household "for Ned's sake", if she knew he was actually her nephew — the world would still believe him to be Ned's, so to outward appearances the awkwardness is still there. And yeah, we don't know if she could have "found it in her to love Jon", but the truth certainly would have made it far more likely! But Ned decided that it had to be this way, that only he could participate in carrying this secret. So, I hurt for Cat AND Jon really.

I get why he doesn't tell Jon the truth. I understand his warped logic, how the trauma of his past informs this sort of self-punishing mentality of I must keep this honourable promise made of love till the day I die even though to the outside world it will appear as a stain upon that very honour... and to punish myself further for failing Lyanna I will never unburden myself to anyone, this is my cross to bear alone. I understand that, it's very manpain-y. But the problem is... it doesn't just punish Ned, it punishes Cat and Jon, and his other children too! Because they are by no means blind to this elephant in the room of their parent's marriage, and it's hard to rationalise:

He looked at her uncomfortably. "My aunt Allyria says Lady Ashara and your father fell in love at Harrenhal—"

"That's not so. He loved my lady mother." – ASOS, Arya VIII

Your father loved your mother, but he also had a child with another woman, whose identity he would never talk about. Your father loved your mother, but his dedication to this secret ultimately trumped being fully honest and open with her. It's hard not to feel that Ned's present came second to making up for the "sins" of his past. This is why he desperately needed therapy, lol, because (to take a line from my Byronic Hero meta) Ned's "traumatic past informs his present life," and to the detriment of that present life and those present relationships as well. But hey, that's the tragedy.

Also, I think his whole I'll tell you the truth when I next see you to Jon is really sketchy, because when exactly might that be, Ned? An avoidance tactic if I ever saw one. But really, I don't think he'd be emotionally equipped to have that conversation anyway... he might have said he'd tell him someday, but deep down, I'm sure he hoped he may never have to. And then he conveniently dies, taking the secret with him (or so we think)!

Allowing the death of Lady

Bran's wolf had saved the boy's life, he thought dully. What was it that Jon had said when they found the pups in the snow? Your children were meant to have these pups, my lord. And he had killed Sansa's, and for what? Was it guilt he was feeling? Or fear? If the gods had sent these wolves, what folly had he done? – AGOT, Eddard IV

"And for what?" Yes, quite. I don't really have much to say on this... I think this passage speaks for itself. There's probably some other things I could talk about, but those are my main two gripes.

That being said... what I value about Ned are his words of wisdom

The thing about Ned, for me, is that despite the unmaliciously meant pain he inflicts on his loved ones (which I do understand the reasoning behind, the trauma that informs it etc)... he's still ultimately a figure of hope to me, a notably flawed, but no less significant, ideal within the narrative too. And I think you need that — we need the memory of Ned as readers, and so do the Starklings. So, I love him more for what he represents, rather than his parenting and lacklustre husbanding skills. I value the fundamental truths he emphasises through his words, and the legacy of those words, embodied within his children.

For example:

"Let me tell you something about wolves, child. When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives. Summer is the time for squabbles. In winter, we must protect one another, keep each other warm, share our strengths. So if you must hate, Arya, hate those who would truly do us harm. Septa Mordane is a good woman, and Sansa… Sansa is your sister. You may be as different as the sun and the moon, but the same blood flows through both your hearts. You need her, as she needs you… and I need both of you, gods help me." – AGOT, Arya II

Honestly, people can "squabble" about which Stark sibling is more important, more this, more that, till the cows come home. But that's what it is... "squabbles", and it misses the mark completely about why the Starks are the heart of the series. They are the Starks, plural. They may be different from one another, but they are "pack", and come winter, (TWOW, to be exact), once reunited they will "protect one another, keep each other warm, share [their] strengths", because those are the values Ned taught them.

These are the things to remember, despite all the hellishness. This is why Ned's death wasn't in vain, it wasn't an edgy twist, or the first whiff of grimdark... because his legacy didn't end with him, it lives on, it is felt throughout the series, right up until the most recent book:

"Be that as it may. My father sat where I sit now when Lord Eddard came to Sisterton. Our maester urged us to send Stark's head to Aerys, to prove our loyalty. It would have meant a rich reward. The Mad King was open-handed with them as pleased him. By then we knew that Jon Arryn had taken Gulltown, though. Robert was the first man to gain the wall, and slew Marq Grafton with his own hand. 'This Baratheon is fearless,' I said. 'He fights the way a king should fight.' Our maester chuckled at me and told us that Prince Rhaegar was certain to defeat this rebel. That was when Stark said, 'In this world only winter is certain. We may lose our heads, it's true… but what if we prevail?' My father sent him on his way with his head still on his shoulders. 'If you lose,' he told Lord Eddard, 'you were never here.'" – ADWD, Davos I

I love this line so much, and I love that it comes from Ned, that just as we are gearing up to head into the darkest parts of the series (because Winds is apparently going to be very dark)... we have this light, this hope, this "what if we prevail?" And it's connected to this repeated refrain about the certainty of winter — "in this world only winter is certain" vs. "winter is coming" — which is closely tied to Ned as a character. So, yes, "winter is coming", but don't be decieved into thinking that that spells disaster, that no warmth can be found, for there is always darkness before the dawn, just as there is always a winter before the spring... and in the winter the wolves shall "keep each other warm", they will "prevail."

In conclusion

Whatever his flaws and mistakes, and there are several, at the end of the day... I will love Ned for giving us hope, for reminding the readers, and characters, of what is really important — to take strength from your loved ones, to give them strength in return, and to not give into despair, no matter how harshly the snows might fall and white winds blow. Yes, it's not certain whether they'll live, but likewise, it's not certain whether they'll die either... and that's where you find the hope, the light against the grim dark.

So, for me, he's a character who makes my heart sink, but then he makes it swell again. That's the duality, and it's a choice which you put most stock in... I'll choose the hope he inspires every time ;)

[unproduciblesmackdown]

the fascinating narrative or case study or what have you i’ve got going on (it’s neither lol, it’s that i’m litchreally just out here, [Life, Existing] style) like me nowadays around an adult liable to have angry outbursts abt anything at any time, wherein i already have Experience from birth to almost twenty-two w/a parent who’d do that....like ah once again you have to at best mitigate situations involving this grown person’s emotions, but this time with handy differences of like, sure when i was born they were already older than i was now but i’m also a grown person, this person doesn’t tend to focus their outbursts directly at any potentially involved people ever (however, it is often just about concepts / experiences not involving any specific people anyways) & as such nobody is Demanded to directly interact w/their whole situation in turn, & that also of course i don’t have a personal relationship with this person, they are not my parent.......the like Data Points for my specific situation like. doesn’t really feel that different re: “well, if i’m interacting w/the situation at all, it may as well be this force of nature that you can’t expect to change b/c it’s another person’s unchanging response to their internal experiences which is smthing you obviously can’t control” but wherein it’s like well at least when you’re older & dealing w/some shit you have more tools at your disposal for it than when you’re like, 5, or any younger age than you are now. and it is obviously still a distressing experience to be Around the random regular outbursts, but not Having to directly interact w/any or all of them is like, well, when i wake up to that in a vulnerable marinade of anxiety, it’s been Practice for in that state reminding myself like okay you’re shit at processing things rn b/c you Just woke up, but process that you’ll be better at it when you’re more awake / this will be somewhat less hellish / these are your Vulnerable [aaaaa] Feeling times so it’s amplified but this won’t be the default always.....[aaaaa] when fully awake / firing on all cylinders is still shitty & generally distressing, but Less So, and Knowing this & like patting myself on the back while i’m in the shittier, more distressing [half awake & suffering through this] zone doesn’t improve things all the way to that superior state, but it sure doesn’t hurt.......getting in practice sometimes diving into greater Proximity with the shitstorm to extricate cats from the situation for example, and/or if it’s really escalating & seems to be born of some practical issue i can go in as like The Adult lmfao just as matter of factly as possible be like okay so what’s the issue, see if i can help (& handily often Initiating An Exchange / getting responses seems to make this person dial it back, re: whatever’s going on where they don’t tend to yell directly At people (the direct approach for people is usually also a shit ton of Passive aggression, not helpful, but not yelling)) like i’m not gonna be the actual parent here lol nor try to manage any & all these explosions or walk them through the Emotional matter, b/c that’d be a therapist thing & i’m not that, & in turn this isn’t even jokingly like oh free exposure therapy for me lol it’s basically Never what that is, it’s fundamentally different to be a spontaneous uncontrolled situation w/no therapist involved....but i Am wringing what i can from it lol like well, these are experiences, i’m getting in practice.............and also the emphasis on the Matter Of Factness like. trying to keep it practical & as emotionally detached as possible on my end for my own sake, even in terms of like warmth lmfao like that may Appease but again for my own sake i may as well also practice my “i need to be ‘meaner’” approach lmao when it comes to like, less people pleasing, less masking (which is also people pleasing / appeasing, but just more specific lol like accommodating nt people in anticipation & attempted avoidance of their hostility towards your being nd, vs accommodating anyone & their hostility towards your anything).......may wrangle a matter of Practical Help to mitigate the situation but that’s about it, in fact like of course knowing from all the prior experience that at best your actual emotions are irrelevant & your assumed / made up emotions are fuel for the fire or what have you & thus trying to manage some detachment is a strategy, but only confirmation here like “oh well technically i haven’t Tried communicating How I Feel, Btw” lmfao but. confirmed anyways eventually when i was Not trying to communicate anything or make an emotional appeal, simply Visibly Upset (stress crying time) while engaging in a [practical mitigation efforts] manner was met with Sympathy in the moment, only for Everything Overall to stay the same and, in the aftermath for a bit, more relevant elements of things to actually markedly worsen specifically Because of the Awareness that i was upset by xyz, despite the theoretical sympathy.........so yeah the like intermediate difficulty survival horror game continual exposure sucks obviously lmfao but while i’m here. observations & notes

[tellywoodtrash]

khkt 23.08.19 lb

tulsi ne dr. sippy ke hyperbole ko kuch zyaada hi seriously le liya.

is he..... is he fucking calling raima again?????? rohit, i swear to god........

Overly Stereotypical Bengali Mom is disappointed to learn that coma patients can twitch their limbs and move without any improvement in brain function.

...... and now they’re gonna take raima to chandigarh for god-knows-what-reason. whatever, i really don’t care at this point.

lolololol.

wow, veena won over suman rastogi????????? not that veena isn’t that charming, but suman is... well, y’know.....

oh. she gave her a diamond/ruby set and a blingy watch. no wonder.

vimmi, you need to get a grip. how you gonna handle when she comes and lives with you, huh???

veena on a mera raja beta gunn-gaan spree. itnaaaaaa bhi great nahi hai, hmph.

uh idk what the hell aspect of raima's rohit is missing, auntyji, but like..... you should probably send him to professional therapy to figure it all out.

wow, veena is a hell of a wingwoman. kaash meri mummy bhi mere liye aise achche prospective boo-thangs ko propose karti. nope, all she cares is about getting a high score in QuizUp. pft. 

sona is making ‘oh shit oh shit oh shit’ face.

idk if mummy hasn't seen through rohit's bs, or she knows that he's bluffing but is running with the lie to ensure she hooks, books, and cooks sona as sippy bahu, figuring the two will eventually fall in love anyway (coz she sees the sparks. just like ajit and nethra have.)

"usse sambhaalo"??????? excuse me ma'am, and why exactly should she do all this emotional labour for a grownass man who has roughly the same EQ as my cat?

yup. suman still an asshole. sona's bagaavat has added to the animosity she has against rohit. 

lo aa gaya mera chutku. achchi khaasi daant khaane waala hai, bechaara.

.... marketing ka in-charge hai ya security ka? why would you need to know ppl’s coming and going in marketing???

"yeh batao, sonakshi ne kya kaha?"

“thappad maarunga ek!!!!” trollolololololol.

lol ajit making things worse with this apology, rubbing it in that rohit's in big shit with the fam.

"ek aur idea hai......" pfffffffffffffft

this family is flipping mad. kal hi he was lying drunk on the road for one girl, and today they have a line of alternatives ready for him to marry. matlab hadh hi hai.

lmao ajit's enthusiasm for komal balwani, in case sonakshi doesn't work out. ajit ko badi bhaabi chahiye, basssss.

lo there's some canayda waale motwanis also.

rohit, where's all that energy you have to fight with sona disappeared to now hein? can't you tell your family to give you space, like a grownass adult????

yeah, i’m like 73% sure that they fully know he's lying and are forcing him to act on it, taaki kuch toh distraction ho raima se.

idk why they show this light waala trope for bechaini still. no one does this shit anymore. we all have phones to scroll through, ffs.

LMAO SHE WAS READING HER BOOK UPSIDE DOWN. SIS, HONESTLY.

haaaaaaaye, i am enjoying him in pacifying boyfriend mode even before the relationship has begun. bestttttt.

i, too, in any moment of crisis or when having feelings i don't want to deal with, go the fuck to sleep. best avoidance technique hai.

blah blah tanya-badi mumma-teejri explanation scene. nahi chahiye.

lol nishi, doesn't want to talk about her saas, just wants +1s for her mehendi.

yk and nishi are honestly very cute. i hope they work out this pooja waala issue soon, coz they're the most normal married couple here.

no you asshole men don't get any credit. fuck off. poore saal ka emotional atyachaar is ek din ke fasting se dhulwa nahi sakte, hatttt.

lol idk if it's intentional, but it does seem highly coincidental that YHM is having this exact same track happening rn.

pls god let sumit's replacement be really hot. that’s all i ask of you.

run sona run. make him beg!!!!!!!!

ugh these two, idgaf.

oh god THESE two, even less fucks to give.

haaaaaaaaaaa, nethra calling out rohit's dumbass plan. love it.

ouff nethra, i was just about to praise you for being sensible and on sona's side for this, and now you're implying she should play along with rohit. come the fuck on.

arre waah sona ko bhi kewalramanis' ke yahaan appearance karna hai.

rohit is hounding this poor man. dude, what's your deal these days, har waqt you have to be stalking about one woman or the other or what?

lol @ nethra yelling out the address sona is at zor zor se, taaki even a particularly dumbass dr. surgeon can get the hint.

adorable idiot.

ouff, kuch zyaada hi coordiantion.

nishi is some kinda card champ it seems. a woman of limitless talents!

oh god naach gaana. and ofc sindhis hain toh duma dum mast qalandar.

isn't this bhavya's kurta?????? ouff shirali, ffs stop recycling those ib clothes already.

oh god sona ko bhi ghaseet liya. fwd fwd fwd, other than to take caps.  

lol nishi trying her damned best to convince bhabi to go for komal balwani. points to her for tenacity.

lo pohunch gaya.

the fact that it didn't go into slo-mo as he watched her dance proves abhi tak pakka waala pyaar nahi hua hai.

"meriiiiiiiiii family yahan kya kar rahi hai???? chup jaata hoon." lololol idiot.

sona ka fan club chodo, idhar rohit ka bhi fanclub hai.

tanya/nishi/yk blah blah, don't care.

ouff is all of today's ep just this randomass filler nonsense?

apparently so.

———————————————————————

dheent hai ki maan hi nahi raha.

aslkjflsdkfjlsdjfsldk.

oh god please don't anyone catch them getting out the ladies room together warna sach mein pakad ke kal hi karwa denge shaadi.

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[rimurutempest-bounced]

questions for neurodivergent folks ( from @shitborderlinesdo )

post here!

if ur autistic:

1. do you stim?

yes, sometimes! i’ve suppressed a lot of it over time but i still do some subtly.

 if so, what are yr favourite stims? 

touching/tapping the tips of my fingers together, stroking soft patches of skin(esp backs of my hands, wrists, or parts of my thighs, hips, ankles), cracking knuckles, stretching fingers/feet/arms/legs rly far, rapid blinking(though i also have a tic involving blinking which is similar, but involuntary), bubble wrap,flicking light switches/door lock mechanisms, bouncing on toes, toewalking, chewing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(esp pens/pen caps and similar textures), biting, mouthing/lipping things, clacking my teeth lightly, whistling, leg jiggle sometimes, jumping, skipping, hopping, and a few other rly specific things (like involving swimming, or being on something and hanging so im upside down and stuff)

2. happy stims? chewing, biting, skin stroking, finger tapping, skipping, hopping, jumping 3. negative stims? snapping fingers, “hiccuping” (it’s a little giggle/hiccup type thing i do, but idk what to call it), teeth clacking, leg jiggle, exposing too long to extreme cold temps, hitting head against things 4. favourite textures? idk how to explain the soft-smooth i like; silk usually looks like it should feel like this, but it doesn't. also when people talk about “plush velvet” the texture that comes to mind is good, like a really nice stuffed animal or a cavalier king charles spaniel with super soft fur, but real velvet feels bad lol. also just most fur in general, esp rabbit, cat, certain dogs. some wing or chest feathers on birds like doves. milk weed fluff. soft, squishy, fuzzy caterpillars(not the bristly guard hair ones. more like forest tent caterpillars), moon jellies, soft leather/suede, really smooth grey granite, polished shiny pink granite, lambs ear/mullein 5. least favourite textures? some types of linen are VERY BAD but idk what they are, they’re like stiff and scratchy and feel super cold? gummy bears, ew. really hard chocolate in cold ice cream, a lot of faux furs, like so many, most (sheep)wool, scallops, often times chinchilla fur feels bad, most velvet, esp crushed velvet, potato sacks, a lot of plastic bags/thin plastic film 6. what's a pet peeve of urs involving a specific sound? squeaky plastic is the worst, esp from plastic wrap. teeth grinding/bruxing is bad, hearing people having sex in another room/apt, heavy footsteps/stomping, esp when fast like running, door slamming, when people slam their hands on a table because they just thought of something, the sound quality of like...having water in your ears/popped ear drums, where everything feels muffled and almost whispery/far away, but also REALLY LOUD AND CLOSE... 7. a specific sound that makes you Really Happy? al snoring softly like a cat, my cat snoring, cats purring, crackling fires, wind whistling, waves lapping, thunder rumbling, THUNDER CRACKING, wood creaking in a strong wind, that soft snuffling of cat/dog noses, the sound of rodents digging in bedding or eating millet, angel caller bells(bola, fairy callers, whatever you call them) 8. when were you diagnosed (self or professionally)? about 6 years ago what has changed with the diagnosis? i dont hate myself for as much of my behaviours/thinking/speech patterns. im slowly trying to let myself let go of “survival mode” NT behaviours i was forced to learn 9. are there any behaviours you have that, prior to diagnosis, didnt make much sense, but now they do? too many to list lmao 10. what kind of representation would you like to see of autistic ppl in media? girls, trans folks, autistics of colour, just less cis white boy perfect example savants. autistics with “atypical” autistic symptoms. autistics with ugly meltdowns and other unpleasant symptoms. autistics who are messy eaters, who can’t dress themselves, who struggle with everyday tasks and self care. autistics with “useless” special interests that cant be reworked to make them more productive genius types. LOUD autistics.  

if ur mentally ill:

11.when were you diagnosed (self or professional)?

6 yrs old or younger

12. what is your diagnosis/are your diagnoses?

BPD, (various types of)depression, DPD/social anxiety(when i’m alone)/agoraphobia, panic disorder NOS, mood disorder NOS, DID, ADD/ADHD-PI, ASD, gender dysphoria at one point, conduct disorder or whatever it was called. IED. all i can think of. all diagnosed professionally over the years, though ASD is not on any official records because i asked it to be left off to avoid that specific abuse/stigma.

13. is the community youve found with other mentally ill ppl helpful?

mostly no. but in some ways, yes. i appreciate having more access to info, hearing relatable stories, common symptoms/experiences that help me understand things better, etc. close friends with illnesses/disorders are nice, but mostly i know them for other reasons outside of diagnoses.

14. do you find it challenging to tell ppl yr mentally ill?

absolutely

15. what are the most effective coping mechanisms youve found?

im not sure. i just...cope? somehow? not always effectively, but idk.

16. have you ever been to therapy?

ya

if yes, what helped and what didnt help?

i hate group therapy. in individual therapy, i like having my husband sit in on the sessions for support. therapist NEEDS to prompt me and ask active and specific questions. setting clear goals with clear steps helps. a lot of more “creative” methods actually are super unhelpful for me.

17. do "find your happy place" exercises help you or no?

sort of? i don’t try them much. usually they make me sadder that im not there.

18. what are some of the most Tiresome Cliches ppl tell you to deal with yr mental illness (i.e., "just do yoga!")? 

“everyone gets depressed”, “yoga”, “fresh air, sunlight, and exercise!”, “essential oils”, “meditation”, “_______ diet/supplement”, “mind over matter”, “lose some weight” (THIS DOES NOT MEAN NONE OF THESE CAN BE HELPFUL AND I DO WANT TO DO SOME OF THESE THINGS, BUT STATING THE OBVIOUS ABOUT THIS SHIT AND BEING CONDESCENDING IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING)

19. what books / movies have really helped u?

none in this regard

20. what kind of representation would u like to see of mentally ill ppl in media?

idk. better. sympathetic without condescentding, infantilising, or demonising. sympathetic recovery stories, showing a happy ending, but not some “theyre cured” BS

if ur chronically ill:

21. when were you diagnosed (self or professionally)?

asthma - like 4 yrs old, tendonitis - like 13 yrs old, unspecified pain/inflammation - 2019 professionally (like 2011 ish on my own, but really it started when i was ~13), nocturnal epilepsy - not done with diagnosis process/testing as of july 2019, a few chronic infections that don’t affect me any more were diagnosed when i was a kid, idk

22. do you find the support system with other similarly affected ppl to be helpful?

i’ve not been involved much, tried it out, really

23. what do you struggle w most on a daily basis?

pain/inflammation/stiffness in joints, back, neck, shoulders, feet

24. what helps you most?

i wanna say sleep, but it actually makes everything worse so, new diet(anti inflammation), making goals/plans, spirituality, going to healing places like the woods or by the sea or mountains, massage, soft comforting petting from my husband

25. what do you want to tell able-bodied and neurotypical ppl in regards to chronic illness?

it’s not the same. yeah maybe “everyone has back pain”, but my pain and your pain are different; they happen for different reasons and they affect us in different ways. if everyone is in pain we should do something to make life easier for everyone, not dismiss people who are suffering.

26. how do u keep your strength on a daily basis? i dont

27. if yr family supportive?

mostly yeah?

if not, who do you find the most strength and support in, outside of yourself?

my husband, regardless

28. what kind of representation would you like to see of chronically ill ppl in media?

show me people who find creative, easy, free/cheap ways to be comfortable/improve symptoms. do not fucking cure them to make them happy. let them be happy and comfortable by finding new ways to do things, no by erasing their obstacles.

if u have bpd:

29. when were u diagnosed (self or professionally)?

2014, i think? though it was suggested by a therapist in like 2008 or 2009

30. do you think the support system in the community is helpful?

no

31. what are some of the ways you keep yrself grounded and remind yrself to Take a Step Back when bad feelings get in the way of rational thinking?

remind myself other people have autonomy, think about how i would feel if someone reacted to things i was doing the way my brain wants to impulsively react to them, talk talk talk, find something else to do as distraction

32. coping skills?

idfk what they are, they’re just there. usually.

33. how do u keep yrself in check when impulsive mood swings come around?

uh, mostly i covered this in 31. gotta reset focus on something else, find distraction that produces different emotions until mood passes

34. what skills do you use to remind yourself that you are loved?

husband. doesnt always work, but mostly.

35. who has been the most supportive of u?

husband.

36. how has your diagnosis changed the way you view yrself and yr interactions w other ppl?

more mindful of others feelings and needs, esp my mum with BPD

37. what kind of representation would you like to see of ppl w bpd in media?

not fucking abusive/manipulative or miserable. let us struggle but have great supports and practice effective coping skills so we can build stronger relationship bonds and enjoy socializing and/or things that are personally important

all ppl:

38. how do you deal w ableism that comes at you from all directions?

laugh about it with my friends i guess?

39. who in your life is the most supportive of u and yr recovery?

husband

40. who are some people on tumblr who have really helped u in yr journey?

well, i met cieran here. alice has been a good influence. there’s a few of you for sure, though maybe not all specifically for these sorts of things.

41. best coping skills?

i dont know

42. most irritating Ableist Cliches ppl use to tell u yr not good enough?

infantilizing me(comparing me to a child), mocking my productivity/commercial success, “daddy issues”, trying to gaslight me into thinking i’ve been abusive because we disagree on something/i pointed out something they dont like

43. best most supportive thing anyone's said to you? 

“i want to be like you when i grow up”

44. songs for Happy Times?

counting stars, gooey, just about anything by MIKA, most “meme” songs

45. songs for Not-Happy Times?

a lot of hozier, bastille, of monsters and men, rage against the machine, flobots

46. non-triggering movies that discuss mental illness?

im not sure, i know there are some i love that i could list, but none are coming to mind. not a movie but: moomin and most ghibli media, esp kiki’s delivery service.

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Loving someone with NPD

It fucking sucks! I have bpd and if i was completely untreated, i would have been narcissist chow...more than i already was.

I have pretty decent intuition but it took a long time for me to actually follow it. I met (lets call her Mary) before i listened to it and created a huge blindspot that took me 6 years to fix.

We both arrived on Okinawa Island 24 hours a part, we shared a name and a birthday ( naturally my dumb ass was like OMG SOULMATE- after i stopped hating her). when i first met her, i hated her. I knew she was two-faced and i said so to her face. Few drunken weekends set that unfortunate Trauma bond in place. 

I felt so special. She's two-faced and cruel to everyone but ME. my BPD ate that shit up. she even told me that she thought i was the category of “bimbo friend” until she got to know me.....and i actually took that as a compliment and mentally lorded it over her bimbo friends. it was a disaster.                           love-bomb, cruelty, rinse, repeat.

We were just friends at first, she thought she was straight, and i thought i was a girl- neither are true. We kissed once in a drunken haze and it was absolutely terrible, so it really never happened again. you know justgirlythings. 

I was quite notorious (just because im built like a coke bottle and was put into the marine barracks and you know how boot lickers be) on the island because the Navy is just high-school 2.0. Mary never had my back through it all, she stayed friends with the people who started it and she ditched me all the time at her convenience . I was only on the island for 6 months, and right when i almost cut things off with Mary, i left on an expedited transfer (another tragic story for another tragic time). We stayed in contact via snapchat but honestly we didnt talk much.

Her bf was a bit of a loser and she was planning to leave him while planning their life together...look at that, another red flag that i took as a compliment because she left him for ME. fuck im so needy #narcissistchow. 

I made a joke about her living with me, and she just went full throttle with that shit. So we got an apartment together, twas the beginning of the end and i fucking KNEW IT. i felt it in my gut and i remember thinking...but she’s so mean sometimes... like whyyyyyy dont i just listen to me???? ug anyways

Right before we got the apartment she released my cat into the urban wilderness and he was GONE, presumed dead. Quinn, my beautiful fur-baby, a 13 lb maincoone, fucking HATED HER, and he only hated dicks. so yeah she got rid of him and blamed it on my husband (my life is complex okay). we were obviously not doing great and i didn't think about it too hard until later (even though he has never left the door open, like ever).

It started out so much fun! the adventures and stories that we created together were amazing. she made me feel like it would be like this forever. Bit short-lived.  she would insult, demean, and play fucked up mind games. Luckily for me she didn't get to feed of my pain the way she wanted because i don't exibxit vulnerable emotions (working on that), despite them eating away at me. 

Her toxicity mirrored the way i was treated as a child, so i did what i did as a child. i shut down. I stopped therapy because i was masking too hard for it be helpful. i stopped my medications because idk if they're working because I'm so disconnected. My ocd tendencies that i got rid of as a child came back. Im never not high on MJ (still am because i don't want to FEEL)

And you know why i stayed? because she made me feel special, and wanted, and even more so needed. She is so fucking insecure and i was a constant source of validation and love. we had conversations and conversations about how we were meant for one another and the future we would create together. We even talked about the children we would raise together. we talked about how it was weird that we didn't want to fuck each-other (she looks like an incest muppet lmao) but we were in a beautiful (toxic*) polyamorous asexual relationship.

i was def not perfect in the relationship. i would do so much petty shit (like i did as a child). she would make me feel shitty about something, so i would show off one of my many talents that also was one of her many insecurities. hell, i would fuck up her hair ON PURPOSE. She had this insanely long blue hair that ended in a short red Karen cut lmao i am such a fucking asshole lmao. no regerts

but like also lets not forget the times she literally threatened to murder me....just saying. i may have been a dick, but she DESERVED it.

She kept treating me like shit and i did the non-traditional BPD thing and started setting boundaries for myself. like when she starts being a jerk, just walk away. just leave. also make her jelly with something to feel better lol.obvi that made her MEANER. so i took her out to eat and told her that she was treating me like absolute shit and it needed to sop...she starts bawling...making up shit about how her anxiety this and that and she's not gonna stop being a cunt so shel just move out.

idk why i even tried after that lunch but like whatever. i even sold her my car at a discount price - but now she has the perma reminder lol. i tried. she kept changing the date of her leaving, she just got meaner, and what FINALLY made things click. was she started ditching me and lying about it ( i may have tested it out and made her confess to it without her knowing- she is incredibly stupid). that was the one thing. the one thing i told myself if someone does that to me again, im done. so heyyy at least i stuck to my boundary even though i almost talked myself out of it. so i simply stopped talking to her. for WEEKS. she tried to start conversation, i ended them. she insulted me and i would flip it on her. i was DONE and she knew it. so our 6 year relationship literally ended by me in person ghosting her.

Finally the lease was up and that kinda forced her stupid ass into moving, however. she like half left and half left her stuff. but she left ferret shit fucking everywhere. on the deck, in the closet, smooshed into carpet, random bits of poo strewn about the room. shes fucking Nasty. i cleaned up the ferret poops with her clothes that was left behing...and i rubbed it on EVERYTHING including her dishes. i broke a couple items (some on accident even). stole a bunch of stuff...even a dead mans gift...yeah im PETTY... but i stacked all of her shit at the enterence of the apartment.

Time for pickup! she allotted herself 1.5 hours to pack everything and go to her new apartment that is 45 plus mins away. she comes in- overly exaggerates on thanking me for stacking her shit by the entrance. i immediately ask for the keys ...says okay but then “got distracted”, we did that 3 times till she finally gave me the keys... then i told her about the ferret poo and she claimed that she was gonna clean it today...BITCH IT TOOK ME OVER 3 HOURS FOR THE POOP CLEANUP ALONE...so yeah fuck her.

later that day i hang out with my new friend, lets call her Anna, who is on Marys snapchat- while Mary was putting her stuff in storage (something she swore shed never do) she was saying how pissed she is and how horribly i am for stacking her shit at the entrance. glad to see she's as two-faced as ever.

POST BREAKUP DRAMA:

1) she tried to get rid of everything i gave her but she cant unbuy my car lmao.

2) she got stranded in Texas because she ran out of gas....even though the car tells you how many miles it has before it runs out...like i said, she incredibly stupid 

3) she tried to slither in my life by sending a pic via snap to Anna and then said “oops my finger slipped” ummm its snapchat and thats not how it works stupid ( and this is one of her go to ploys so like lol why?) it was also a pic of a boot that she gave me but its ugly so i gave it back. idk what her whole plan was but it backfire because Anna just blocked her.

4) Quinn came back <3

5) i am obsessed and cant seem to stop stalking her so now imma try just being crazy in blog form to see if my needy bpd self can CHILL. cuz ug i just want to stab her...like 37 times...in the face (it would be an improvement)

[kattdiabolos-blog]

So, this is our newest furbaby, Ultra Magnus.  Had to get a pic with him and tiny puppy just to show what a beast he is lol.  This is actually my grandpa’s cat, but he has been in the nursing home for a while now.  My father was taking care of him, but just kind of left him behind alone in the house (another family member was going over to feed him and stuff, at least).  We really shouldn’t have another cat here (we already have two plus the tiny puppy) but I knew that he was facing re-homing and I know my grandpa would be really upset to know that his cat was just gone.  We loved him up the last time we went to visit and were trying to be realistic in that we couldn’t really take him, but we ended up getting snowed in the first time we tried to leave and I’m glad we did because Master made the decision that he needed to come home with us anyway.  There was a potential for this to cause a lot of issues based on his usual behavior, how our cats would accept him or not, our living situation, and the financial question - obviously it’s not too expensive just to feed a pet, but I think it is also very important to only take on a pet if you are financially capable of taking them to the vet and so forth when they need it.  That alone isn’t a problem, but with a few pets already, good healthcare maintenance/treatments add up too.  

Our cats were not too happy about the intruder we brought home, but it didn’t take too long for them to all learn to get along, at least.  In a roundabout way, bringing him in has actually forced one of our lazier cats to spend more time around us and now all four pets will be in near vicinity most of the time instead of one of them preferring upstairs or whatever, so it’s really nice!  I have basically been able to provide kitty therapy by singing lol - one of our cats in particular becomes very clingy, happy, and affectionate when I sing and doing this was the only thing that managed to break her grumpy mood with the new cat!  None of the cats really like being too close to each other, but things are much more peaceful.  Ultra Magnus seems to be doing infinitely better here in general also, which surprised me!  He is older than our cats, but after coming here, he has been extremely playful, energetic, affectionate, and hasn’t bothered to want outside.  He was used to going out every day in his old home and would meow specifically to express when he would like to, but he has been completely content inside here.  I’m wondering if this is actually because he has always been around dogs at my grandpa’s house that would wolf down the cat food as soon as he walked away, bark at every noise, and chase anything fast moving.  So, he seems to be feeling the immediate difference in that there is always food in the bowls for everyone and he is able to tear ass around the house as he pleases with no consequences lol :) 

 It’s actually been quite interesting for me in general to observe and help to foster relationships between the pets, so sorry for another potentially boring ass wall!  One other thing that I believe has helped a lot is Ultra Magnus’ behavior toward the other cats (another surprise) - at first, he would occasionally walk a safe distance in front of one of them, let out a soft little mew, and lay down as if to express submissiveness or that he didn’t wish to harm them - I thought this was especially sweet because he used to get in plenty of fights with other outside cats at his old home - presumably male as both of ours are female :)  It’s just made me really happy to see him doing so well, but also being able to offer such an improvement to the quality of his diet and stuff :)

[jijijisun]

hmmm

I’ve been doing this igniting faith in 40 days devotional that I did in high school with my mom. I skipped saturday and sunday, got back into it yesterday. I’m feeling real good about it. it comes with daily declarations, a bible chapter, and has 3 sets of declarations that you can do in addition to the normal daily ones. I think it’s helping. it’s a significant improvement from before, anyway, when I would never read my bible ever. 

the weekend was really good. kind of feel like a detox from my meltdown. cashmere cat was super fun, but the beginning of the night was a little tainted by my therapy sessions from the afternoon that I didn’t have time to process before jumping in the car with drunk rowdy boys and loud music. so that was a little hard but I ended up having a really great time with everyone, and I love cashmere cat, and isaiah and I were being really goofy and cute

we still have disagreements obviously but I think I’m getting better at him. figuring him out. no more negative insecure questions. on sunday night I wanted to sleep over so I just did (after watching get out, which I really liked but was still a horror movie at the end of the day and so I was pretty shaken and didn’t really want to sleep by myself afterwards) without asking. and while that felt weird, because I feel like I should always ask for permission for everything in life (which is maybe bad), I think it was actually good and nice and we just sat in bed reading/doing our own shit before falling asleep. I was so tired

I’ve been tired lately. like yesterday, I just fell asleep from sheer exhaustion at like 11:30, which hardly ever happens. it’s just been a lot of running around but not necessarily in a bad way. I was booked from 9 to 9 yesterday but it was nice to see lulu (our monday night drinks are always a highlight of my week) and I got a lot done...and it was a beautiful day. and I got isaiah a tiny plant!! I was feeling pretty proud of myself for that one lol. I hope he likes it 

I’ve been feeling better about him in general since the meltdown, actually. he was really there for me and I know he doesn’t really understand a lot of it (like on friday, he didn’t really know why I was freaking out at the beginning) but I know he’s trying and he cares and that means more to me than whether or not he actually can be the perfect boyfriend or whatever. I feel a lot closer to him now, with stronger feelings. I know that feelings change a lot but in general I’m just really happy with him now and I just want to keep riding it out. I feel like I’m getting better at communicating with him and hopefully that keeps on improving 

I still worry obviously about commitment and stuff but I’ve also been thinking that instead of asking for declarations of love or whatever and worrying about his aversion to serious relationships we can just sort of be in the relationship without worrying about the finer details and if we like each other then we will make it work. I’m tired of asking questions that he doesn’t have the answers to and so I’ve just realized there’s no point in asking things like “but what about the future?” or “are you sure you want to date me?” like. he’s dating me. we’re dating. until it stops, there’s nothing to worry about. and I think it is working

I have a lot of shit this week and I’m sort of realizing it’s really not going to stop until like the end of the term lol. midterms have hit me and I basically have one major assessment every week until green key. and then after green key I have to start final papers and projects and shit. which is annoying, but this is just what dartmouth is like.

kind of crazy that this is my last term of college lol

maybe it’s hitting me a little more now. the things that were bothering me, that led to my meltdown... those things are not isolated to dartmouth. those are things I will have to work on for a while but I’m confident I can make it a lot better and eliminate them by changing my mindset. positivity feast, negativity fast (that’s what my devotional says lol). just need to change the way I see things. stop complaining so much. be realistic about problems but don’t get defeated or overwhelmed by them

that’s obviously a tall order but I know it can be done. just need to start with baby steps. incremental changes. don’t try to be perfect all at once.

grace not perfection. that’s what lulu said. I’ll have to remember that