#and the only reason i figured it out is bc i actually did get to see them once and was making a beeline for them only for them to point at
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abogagosâŚâŚ..
#abogado (lawyer) + gago (idiot) so basically dumbass lawyers#i finally figured out how I wanna draw miles stupid bangs and Iâm pretty happy with how it came out#for legal reasons (lol) I only did the engarde case but not will powers case in aa1 since my only copy is in Spanish#and I dont wanna look it up yet in case I actually get to play it and I donât wanna get spoiled. so if its ooc thats my excuse#fuck Matt engarde all my homies hate Matt engarde#slogging thru trials and tribulations but havent finished the demasque case yet#bc Luke Atmey peeves me and makes me reluctant to open the game just to talk to him LOL#my art#myart#doodles#ace attorney#aa#aa trilogy#miles edgeworth#phoenix wright#maya fey#matt engarde#will powers#wrightworth#narumitsu#justice for all#(I know maya was kidnapped during that case but I wanted to include her anyway so shes tied up)
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i donât talk about bridgerton on here but just to clarify. i will not be having ANY eloise hate on this account. i will bite.
#eloise bridgerton they could never make me hate you!!#addressing the normal talking points one by one to get them sorted:#- âno i donât care that eloise called pen some names after the discovery. she was devastated and furious.#she can apologise in the future but in the moment of course she said it#- âyes pen did write about eloise as a way to save her but that doesnât mean it hasnât possibly ruined eloiseâs life#- similarly: eloise isnât (just) angry that she was written about. daphne also went through whistledown and it very much terrified her#so have many other women including marina#- eloise is betrayed because she told pen everything and is realising pen told her nothing#(and sheâs probably thinking about any secrets she might have said to her best friend that could now be used against the ton and her family)#- as claudio said: being regency gossip girl isnt a moral girlboss thing its deeply harmful tbh#- âpen did have reasons to become whistledown! that doesnât mean that sheâs innocent or right!#- eloise isnt now friends with cressida to spite pen lmao sheâs alone and scared and cressida was the last person who offered her friendship#she has no idea how to manage society by herself#(and she needs someone to improve the reputation of her and her family)#- im also convinced she has other ulterior motives for befriending cressida. like sheâs keeping an eye on her or smth#- eloise didnât just ignore anything pen said and thatâs why she only just figured it out. pen deliberately didnât speak like lw to hide it#the moment she did eloise was like huh thatâs weird she doesnât normally talk like that. and THATS when she figured it out#- eloise just found out her best friend has betrayed her and been hiding this massive secret#but she hasnât told anyone. not even her own family. im not hearing out any accusations of HER of being disloyal#- also pen clearly wasnât that upset at writing about eloise bc the moment eloise and colin upset her she went straight back to it lmao#side note but no i donât think the queen is going to name her the âemeraldâ or anything because sheâs suddenly in the spotlight#eloise is tbh the only debutante she actually consistently recognised (for good or bad)#a new dress is not going to be interesting for charlotte to change her whole tradition#tl;dr i love eloise and i will die on this hill#eloise bridgerton#bridgerton
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i think part of what makes so many people just flock to dungeon meshi as well is that it's also a story involving an autistic main character, who actually IS the main character
Because many stories will have an autistic character in them and then the story is more about how all the neurotypical people AROUND the autistic character deal with the characters autism, and the autistic character ends up as a side-character in a story that's supposed to be ABOUT them.
But in dungeon meshi, Laios especially is so much the main character! And i know he's not the only one, and not the only autistic character obv, and i know the story isn't about just him alone OR his autism...
But we get Laios' perspective. On just about everything. The story is, in the roughest terms, about the party venturing into the dungeon in order to save Falin, who got eaten by the red dragon. They're on a time constraint and have no money or equipment except what they literally have on their backs. That's the story.
Another author, a worse author, probably wouldn't have made Laios the party leader. A worse author would've relegated Laios to the "weird, awkward newbie who's excited about monsters but doesn't have the slightest clue or experience with them" who's job would've been to cite fun facts about whatever monster they encounter from some book he carries around, and the main interactions between him and the party would've been them yelling at him or calling him weird, to the point where you're wondering what this characters purpose even is in the story beyond comic relief.
And I'm so glad we didn't get this.
Instead of a story that emphasizes how "weird and unlikable" this weird character is, we get Laios being the partys leader, who, yes, is weird, but also competent and knowledgable and skilled and also is still a full character, with thoughts and feelings of his own, who actually speaks his mind and interacts with others on equal footing, who defends himself when he KNOWS he isn't in the wrong.
Laios and Shuros confrontation is both shocking, and also a huge breath of fresh air.
(Also, i know that "Shuro" isn't his real name but i can't remember his real name and I can't be bothered to look it up rn)
Shuro tells Laios to learn to read the room. A worse author would've had Laios apologize to Shuro for his own incompetence, but instead of meekly accepting that accusation, Laios throws it back in Shuros own face. That Shuro should've just been direct and honest with Laios when he KNEW that Laios wasn't getting it, instead of just playing along and letting that resentment fester.
And Laios is not only shouting it out, speaking his mind, and refusing to be treated as lesser than anyone else just because he can't "read the room", but he's also portrayed as RIGHT! Shuro would've have had to put up with Laios, whom he didn't like, but whom he let believe that they were friends, if he had just TOLD Laios he didn't like him DIRECTLY.
and look, i know that there's some hints or pages or whatever you wanna call them, that Shuro is also autistic, but comes with a different background, which basically just makes him and Laios incompatible in a certain sense.
But even with all that, Shuro still had no right to fault Laios for his shortcomings, when his own shortcomings played just as much of a role in their eventual confrontation. And the difference? Shuro KNEW how he himself AND Laios felt, but Laios only knew how he himself felt. Shuro was at an advantage in their situation, and he still faulted Laios and made him out to be this villain, who was purposely trying to make Shuro miserable, when Shuro himself NEVER opened his mouth to correct Laios!
And the thing is, Shuro isn't in the wrong for not liking Laios. Shuro is in the wrong for blowing up at Laios without EVER even giving him the chance to correct his behaviour!
And Laios KNOWS this, and he REFUSES to just apologize for something that wasn't even his fault! How could he possibly have known Shuro didn't like him, when Shuro never gave him any kind of indication of that fact?
And that's just it, isn't it?
Because I know I've experienced this kind of situation, even if exact memories don't come to mind, and I know other autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people have experienced this kind of thing. Of someone whom they were just having a normal conversation with or whom they considered a friend, just randomly blowing up at them for no conceivable reason. From our perspective, the other person just randomly decided they didn't like us anymore, didn't care about us anymore and wanted to be rid of us, or decided we were suddenly just evil, and they got mad at us, yelled at us, called us names, and then just left. And we're left confused and sad and, having no other information to go off of, because none was given to us, are bound to come to the conclusion that there's something wrong with us. We're just not likeable and any kindness from other people coming our way is just them being too polite to say anything until they've decided they had enough of us and abandon us. Because they never liked us. They were just too polite to say anything until they couldn't take us anymore.
#i won't lie that specific situation feel pretty personal#not to me specifically but to the author#because I'm not sure if any ânormalâ (neurotypical) person ever thinks about things like this#they just think we're dumb or malicious or something and don't even consider that maybe we just don't have all the pieces#and instead of just telling us we get treated like we've either evil or like we're children with the end result being that we get yelled at#and abandoned#oh hey while writing this a memory DID come to mind#in elementary school i wanted to play with these two classmates#and the thing is that they've apparently decided to play tag with me on the playground#except they didn't tell ME#so i was left looking for them all over while they kept running away from me for reasons i had no idea of#and the only reason i figured it out is bc i actually did get to see them once and was making a beeline for them only for them to point at#me and run away the moment they saw me#and i saw them doing that since i was beelining for them#can you imagine how hurt and betrayed i felt after that?#i had no idea why they were running from me#it's been 15 years and i still don't know#so the only reason i have left for why they could've done that is as a mean prank on me#because what other reason could there have been?#i've never been mean to them as far as i knew. from my perspective there was no reason for them to dislike me#and i know that others have had similar experiences and is it really any wonder that neurodivergent people have so much trouble making frie#*friends?#dungeon meshi#laios touden#laios dungeon meshi
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not going to name names bc thats messed up but omfg i was tryna find records of old heta fandom shit to show inu right and i found a hetalia iceberg and I SAW MY 2019 OPP ON THERE. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE MY EYES BULGED OUT OF MY SKULL BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN JOKING I HATED THIS BITCH SO MUCH WHEN I WAS 14 AND NGL I STILL HATE HER. I DIDNT SAY NOTHING AND KEPT CURTIOUS AND NORMAL OBVIOUSLY BUT ON THE INSIDE I WANTED HER ASS DEAD EVERYDAY AND WELL... you all know im never in the loop with things and had no fucking clue that she was just the antichrist for an entire group of people lol. SHE WAS MY ANTICHRIST THO. I HATED HER AND SHE HATED ME OKAY AND IM LIKE RODF SEEING HOW SHES ON THE FUCKING HETALIA ICEBERG I WAS LIKE OMG.... I THOUGHT ONLY I FUCKING DESPISED HER
#i hated her to an unhealthy amount imma be so real#bc ive never done an internet sin of like shittalking outside of priv accs/dms#or interacting anonymously with people i hate etc etc#but there are things that are like corruptions for your own soul from how sour hatred can get#and she did that to me. and i only hated her enough to do that#i have only ever in my life actively hatestalked her blog when i was 14 bc she made me so fucking mad everyday#ive only ever in my life hatestalked her like shes the only reason i can comprehend why people are compelled to hatestalk#this was all back when i was like 14 tho lol and#ugh... im sorry. as you can tell the hatred i feel towards her is like soul corrupting level#i want to say im sure she has grown up to be a fine person and logically i know this is true#but also part of me is like there is no fucking way this bitch grew up to be a fine person like the lobotomy part of my brain is saying that#i will not tell you who she is btw so dont send me an ask begging for the user#and if for some reason you have a hunch who it is. you never know you could be wrong and even if youre not i dont condone harassment towards#her or like yknow just any association like leave her tf alone#i dont have fans who love me enough or are crazy parasocial to harass someone i personally hate/hated#but still just in case#shes not an actual bad person. i just hate her so much that it makes ME a bad person on the inside#its why im so glad that i turned 15 and went i need to stop looking at her forever or else i will reincarnate as a mosquito#ill only talk to u abt her if we are at least acquatiances with eachother#and i dont think anybody will be able to figure out who she is actually bc i never once was mean to her outside of telling my close friends#i wanted her dead. me when i dont act like a beast online despite the vietnamese devil inside me
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my niece stayed with us last night. it was pretty fun this time, probably because I was feeling better (if I'm already in pain or exhausted, I can't handle it). after we dropped her off, we talked to my mother for a little bit, and then drove to my in-laws. we were there for a few hours and because the guys were busy outside, i ended up talking to my mother-in-law for most of that time. it was... kind of good? I don't know. she actually showed some real emotions, just a little bit, but hey that's more than ever before! I even gave her a weird little shoulder squeeze/side hug, it was so weird.
anyway, I almost fell asleep in the car on the way home because I was so tired, and actually did fall asleep immediately on the couch.
#it's pretty annoying because my mother-in-law of course asked me how applying for jobs is going. I haven't applied for a single one yet#bc dude I can barely get through the day. I sleep for 12-16 hours a day. and I'm almost always in some kind of pain. and I'm not doing so#good mentally either. come on! I interacted with a handful of people in one day and had to sleep for like 6 hours.#anyway so I said it's a bit difficult because I'm constantly tired - it felt like the only thing she might kind of understand?#annnd she said its probably a vitamin D deficiency and I should get that tested (I won't because I'd have to pay for that and also I think I#read that taking vitamin D supplements doesn't actually help? I can't remember now and I don't want to look it up bc I know it definitely is#not the only or even main reason I am always tired.#I took vitamin D tablets for several months last year (?) bc my previous GP recommended it and. it did absolutely nothing at all#plus. like. I can't sleep. I sleep like shit. always. so. idk? that definitely doesn't help#and I sleep more when I'm in pain and all that too. so.#and she knows I have a bunch of health issues but. nope it's vitamin D because that's one thing and it's simple and here take a pill you're#fine now! wait why aren't you fine now? oh I guess you're just lazy đ#< that's 100% how that would go#ugh. Just let me sleep for 5-10 years. maybe that'd fix me....#like. I'm trying to get myself back (?) to being an actual human person again. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm trying to#live and not feel like I'm drowning every fucking day#finding a job is only gonna add more stress and exhaustion and everything. if I want to try to help myself this is the time to do it#okay rant over I'm going to sleep now#personal
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Fuck It Friday (also on saturday bc fuck it)
tagged by @itwoodbeprefect â¤ď¸ â¤ď¸Â
Iâve been doing a lot of rereading of the 23k of state of disrepair thatâs already written and very little writing of it so here. yâall can join me in that.
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âAgain, I understand why you had to go on this little Eat Pray Love trip.â
Steve looks up, slightly startled, but doesnât get a chance to say anything before Danny continues.
âAnd Iâm not mad at you about it. But if you ever leave me again, Steven, I will kill you myself.â It doesnât come out quite as rock-hard as Danny might have liked, softened by a miniscule waver in his voice at the end. Most people wouldnât even pick it up, but he hears it, so heâs sure Steve does too.
âNo vacations without Danny. Iâll write it down.â When Danny looks over at him, heâs looking back, quiet and heavy, solemn enough that Danny knows he understood.
âExactly,â he replies. âDonât start taking too long at the store either, or Iâll be heading for the kitchen knives.â
Steve shakes his head. âOf course your murder weapon of choice would be a butcher blade.â
âDonât demean the classics,â Danny chides. âThey got many a housewife out of a bad marriage.â
âYou know, I donât think I like the turn this conversation is taking.â
Danny stops, considers, and frowns. âMe neither. I think I just called myself a housewife.â
âAnd this a bad marriage,â Steve adds, gesturing between them, an offended emphasis on âbadâ.
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tagging @faorism @bookwhimses @osointricate @thomtrebond if any of yâall care to *to the tune of Devoâs Whip It* fuck it
#my writing#itwoodbeprefect#Hawaii Five 0#McDanno#state of disrepair#once again am i ever not thinking about aloha? doubtful#this is from chapter 2 and i did figure out last week what my chapter beats were#1 is setup (premise + fic vibes); 2 is working out lingering Aloha feelings/tension; 3 is fake-married reveal + first kiss;#4 is Crisis. Escalation. y'know that little peak on the story structure diagram; 5 is diagnosis (of both Steve's medical issue#and the reason they keep kissing each other) (spoilers they're in love); 6 is resolution + actual getting together#6.5 is going home epilogue if i decide to keep that#(to be clear when i say 3 is fake-married reveal. reveal to Steve and Cath bc prior to that only Danny knows he's created that Situation)#(the medical staff remain under the impression they're married the entire time bc well. they kinda are)#mine
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little soup cans are some of the neatest things we have, wish there were more soup-can-like things in this world
#just me hi#though canopeners need to stop being deadly weapons to some degree before that hfhs#'they're not deadly tho ?' well usually yes. but did you know that they can age Badly? i did not!#and the one I was using was dulled to an extent that it would Skip over a part of the can#(nearly the same spot every time lol) and when I thought I'd managed to fool it and had only#the tiniest bit of metal between me and some beans (pretty sure it was beans) I thought#'ohh I'll just pull up the can lid :)' Well the lid snapped off completely towards and Into my hand#and I had a bean-can wound on my pinky for about a week or so. I do not know how long it's been lol#//but soup cans are pretty cool I feel like they're kinda underappreciated !!#you can just have Soup ? Whenever ??? and it's Normal !! wow :D#sure making soup is pretty great. but that's a process man. and we're not even associates#[<- 'a process I am (not) intimate with']#like there is a little can of menudo in the pantry rn - medunito they call it isn't that just !! - and it's just there. it can be made in#like 10 minutes. is this Not the best thing ever ! ?#//I've also gotta figure out this sleeping thing that I've got going on (everybody has it going on)#I was maybe half a week into actually have a consistent thing going but the night I stopped was bc I am a sucker of a storyteller and we#were up til about. I think 4-6 a.m.#that's on me yes. my siblings vs. my desire to tell stories and rubber willpower hfbdh#a deadly match truly#and also I lost my snoopy watch (RIP snoopy watch you will be missed (I can't find it send help Waough)) and that was the only clock I had#in this room so now if I wanna know the time I have to go the living room - which is like a whole dang thing lemme tell you about it#/first I've gotta get up - easiest thing by far - and get to the door - assuming I don't get KO'd by my siblings' belongings on the floor -#get to the door. the door Is broken to some extent. opening it means a loud THDPD noise is sent throughout the entire house lol. and you#have to yank on the thing to get it open - so double effort there - and then you step out into the hallwayish area where you can then enter#the living room - oh so easy! but No! you then have to either turn on the kitchen lights and wake everyone with their door open or sleeping#in the living room for whatever reason Orrr you have to clamber over chairs pots perhaps a cat if you've got real bad luck that night to ge#up nice n personal to the clock so you can read the dang thing and see it's 11:23. which is like nothing so you stay up Anyway and do not#check the clock again because not only was that a hassle but also you released every creature that was in the room with you (that's a lot o#noise). but Yea the clock situation is ongoing hfbsh#'why don't you get a clock' that would be much too easy loll :) (last one disappeared and we keep forgetting lol) //ran out of tag space so
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Yippie !
#world of horror#world of horror game#hi guys I really like this game. if you couldnât tell#I still need to get some of the mystery endings though actuallyâŚik how to get them Iâve just been lazy abt it đ#I was so locked in on the achievements I didnât even gaf about getting all the endings LMFAOO#Iâm only missing two or three I think#ANYWAYS#shoutout to world of horror đŁď¸đŁď¸đŁď¸#OH ALSO#(spoilers upcoming)#very glad to finally have kana unlocked they are so awesome#and the fact that they canât die via loss of stats is a really cool feature !!#it surprised me at first bc I wasnât paying attention#and then they rejuvenated and I was like ???#OHH THAT REMINDS ME#I got two or three achievements via glitches LMFAOO đđ THANK YOU GLITCHES FOR WORKING IN MY FAVOR ???#I think it was during the challenges where you have to complete the run#and I was on the last level of the lighthouse#and then died đ#BUT if you spam click it still gives you the achievement and counts it as a win. for some reason#or at least thatâs what happened to me#a glitch did work against me once though when it made my doom counter spike completely mid-run?? for some reason??#my stats were completely fine. literally nothing happened the doom counter just completely filled up all at once. randomly#very weird & I still cannot figure out why or how that happened đđ maybe it was some side effect thingy that I wasnât paying attention to#okay anyways#yap session over#OH WAIT there was also another time where I reached the end of the doom counter and it still let me play through the entire run#and let me win#lmfao#okay NOW the yap session is over. fr this time
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i think this is something i have to go search around for again but im wondering if the jibashiri DID in fact leave enkanomiya or did they wind up dying/left behind in it ?
i cant remember which quest talks about this or if it was just in the books you can collect but at some point as rebellion/resistance against the sunchildren and the jibashiri, someone sought out orobashi to save them and that in turn led to orobashi taking them up to watatsumi, meaning that the people that were saved was actually the rebellion rather than the jibashiri
but i also dont think i got information about who it was that sought out orobashi. aberaku did also seek out orobashi to create helios but that was at the beginning of the timeline, prior to the sunchildren. besides, if it were aberaku, we wouldn't have the sunshadow in enkanomiya
so who was it that sought out orobashi? who created the rebellion in the first place when so many other rebellions failed?
maybe that would actually be mouun and ayame's family in watatsumi. i just haven't really found the bridging point of what happened when they all moved to the surface
#genshin rambles#snow speaks#HEAVY BREATHES sorry i accidentally watched kokomi's demo vid again#its actually one of my fave demo vids!! bc of how much lore references they pull into it#but it made me think more about the rebellion or her takl about rebellion#yes its also against the raiden but it did make me think about all the kinds of rebellion in watatsumi with orobashi and then in enkanomiya#but anyways.#i have to reread that quest with spartacus cuz i dont really remember how much info#that quest in particular felt unfinished#like we got the dragonborn fruit but now what#i dont wanna sell it for cash i want lore wtf.#we dont even get a lot of cash for it so like. id rather hold onto it as a souvenir than give it away >_> booooo#ig im just trying to figure out if there can be some trace of jibashiri somewhere and im missing it#yes this is just so i can develop the kids more sorry i just want a full story lmao#the only reason why i think the jibashiri left was because i got sad thinking about the prisoners who got left behind#WHO ARE STILL IN THE PRISONS BENEATH HELIOS BTW as sunshadows but yknow...
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hmm. accidentally took a 2 hr nap which resulted in:
me sleeping through my entire practice room reservation
me thinking i'd slept 12 hrs and it was time to get up for class
#constance speaks#thank god it wasnt. but i did actually need that practice time so. whoops.#i bet i can get ahold of a practice room for an hour or so tomorrow afternoon.#if not i can go later in the evening and just. get takeout for dinner or smthn bc i probably wont be able to make it to the dining hall.#the only reason this is rlly annoying is bc i do have a masterclass on thursday.#and we did some setup work on my bass today so it might feel a bit different to play.#but. yknow. we'll figure it out ig.
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Okay once again, it wasn't actually a date ahsjajkzka like I never said it was and he didn't say anything about it so it Was Not A Date. But it was cool, nothing very noteworthy lmao like we ate and then we just kinda walked around and looked at things until it got too dark for me to continue being chill, so then we drove around for a while and just vibed. Literally the same things we always do except it wasn't fast food this time lmaoooo
#not snz#like it really wasn't that exciting we were just vibing lmao sorry to disappoint#also i tried to pay and he wouldn't let me so i feel bad now đ#like bro wouldn't even go for splitting or separate like wtf đđ#and he made me jaywalk bc it was 'quicker to get to the car that way' like excuse me#we use the crosswalk here sir#in his defense tho it was dark and i didn't like the area we were in so i got a little panicky lmao#saved us maybe five minutes of having to walk all the way back to the crosswalk#no but it fucking felt like the source just trust me bro meme the way he was trying to tell me it was fine lmaoo#but he grabbed my hand before we ran across the road so đĽ°#he let go immediately after but still đĽ°#like i know he only did it bc my fire coworkers have told him about all the times someone has had to come rescue me#long story short sometimes we have to cross the streets with no crosswalk and i get stuck every single time if i have to cross on my own#so i stand there like đ§ until someone crosses with me bc i can't judge the car speeds for shit and don't trust myself to run fast enough#it's literally the one thing i can't do ahskaks like I'll run into a fire or climb a damn near vertical hill#but i draw the line at jaywalking lmaooo#anyway I'm sure that's the only reason he did that But Still#other than that tho there's really nothing else to note#we got boba and just hung out and that was basically it#OH and i did ask him if he was actually trying to be a hater when we first started working together or if everyone else is fucking with me#and bro got embarrassed about it lowkey lmaoooo i guess he kinda tried to be standoffish and all#but he figured out pretty quick that i just Did Not understand even remotely all of his attempts at sarcasm and passive aggressiveness#so he was annoyed about it for a minute but he got over it relatively quick#like i was vibing so hard he couldn't even hate on me and i love that for me tbh lmao#lack of social awareness ftw ahdkajskalsl#partner posting
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bro
#i hate job apps lmao kinda in the trenches rn#i'm so idk so mixed feelings rn đ#i think my self esteem when it comes to job apps is like fucking shot from career fair and job rejections and everything#my last interview was offered like a couple days before the interview and i just winged it and didn't rly prepare#and then after the interview realized i actually kinda like the company and would kinda wnat the job more than my lack of prep suggests LOL#but i applied for smth over the summer and they said they'd actually be interested in giving me an offer#but i committed to staying on campus for this yr (which i could've done stuff to get out of but i have dumb reasons for it ig)#but they just reached out and said they'd STILL be interested in offering me a job for summer 2025 start date#and it makes me fucking sad that i feel so weird abt it LMFAO i am happy abt it#but like literally this week has been so many rejections back to back bc i've been applying to things at my (old) college's career fair#and so many of them have already just immediately rejected me đ#so a big part of me rn is like why the fuck would this company even still want me ya know#đđđđ i thnk i'll cry abt this at some point idk when tho đđđđ#also my mom keeps nagging me to apply for masters which i haven't actually looked into at all yet#i think esp bc she called me last night and was like no one's gonna give you a chance bc you only have bachelors#so you can't compete when theres masters and phd applicants too#which is true ig like i have just gotten flat out rejected without any interview or anything so many times#sooooo all of that adding up to me being like well i somehow tricked this company into still wanting me right#even tho i am literally doing nothing this yr i'm staying on campus bc i like it here#and i have a remote part time job and i'm figuring out what i want to do#jfc idk lmfao i'm also nervous abt telling my mom bc i feel like she just#ughhhgiuhdgfiwtglkdghfajs she can be very critical and judgmental ;-;#and i fele like she's been like that kind of a lot w job/masters conversations and i don't rly like talking to her abt it lmfao#when she called me yesterday she started nagging me abt job apps and not being picky abt stuff and i'm like#you have told me this 746598347 times i rly don't need to hear it again#i do appreciate and love my mom but i just rly don't like this lmfao#i think she'd be ok w it / happy i guess she did tell me to apply for this company at one point a while ago#i wanna scream lmfao#bro i wish tumblr would tell me when im RUNNING OUT OF TAGS rip some of this rambling i don't even remember what i said LOL#jeanne talks
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bitches prolly out here psychoanalyzing my old art on behalf of my abuser to cushion their belief that im a Horrible Person but then dont see the irony when I point out the shitty things my abuser has drawn and how I see it as clear evidence of their mindset and beliefs (of what's okay to do and how to treat people) descending and pairing that along with everything else they've done and it paints a clear picture of how this person got to the point of thinking it was okay to abuse me the way they did and then the people looking for reasons to hate me through my art will act like "they're just drawings !!!" about their art. which one is it. does someones art say something about them or not? or does it only say something about them if you hate them?
#personally I think me making fun of a douchey type of dude is less bad than drawing 'rape is fun' but yknow#ig I can just weigh the gravity of how bad each thing is accurately idk#vent#'yeah but you started to identify with the douche bag character !!' well- even before i realized I wanted to be him- the plot was#already that he was going to grow out of being a dick. him and mj were going to help eachother realize their flaws and become better#to eachother and everyone else. so by the time i DID realize I wanted to be a guy I already had in mind the mature version of him#floating around but I didn't really post about it bc I didn't want to spoil anything at the time#and it took me a LONG TIME to accept that I wanted to be snake. I was trans before that. and then when I was close to accepting it#I had that whole 'lsd' thing that made me slink back into my shell bc the people I was around made me feel like I would never be a guy#so instead I figured if I couldn't be snake then the next best thing was to be *with* him and started to self ship myself w him and he#evolved even more into an even more mature version of him that by the time I got out on the other side of feeling like I couldn't#be a guy I had this more serious and mature version of him in my mind and started to accept that I wanted to be him and basically was him#and just didn't know bc that version of snake was more like me than the one I made in 2013/14#in 2013/14 I was only ever considering my comic in the context of some sort of comedy and just wanted to make a douchey character#to make fun of bc I had a lot of douchey people in my life who I felt like needed to be knocked down a peg and I figured the best way#to do that was to make an example out of them via the old version of snake and have him be an overly confident asshole whos hubris#often gets himself humbled even if hes too prideful to accept or admit it#at this point in time I didn't really see much of myself in any of my ocs. maybe a lil bit in mj and (mostly)peaches bc I didn't know it wa#ok to id with a guy... but even when I did subconsciously id with him here n there...i didnt relate to snakes douchey-ness like at all.#sometimes I jokingly act like a douche but again its for the same reason that I made snake a douche back then in the first place-#to make fun of people like that- to hopefully show them how foolish they are by me mirroring them or. alternatively. making people#laugh at me acting that way because pretending to act like a douche is easier to enjoy and laugh at than dealing w an actual douche#i'd do it with my ex-bestfriend all the time- I made snake such a dick because we'd laugh about it together and bc we wanted to make#fun of the dicks around us who lacked any self awareness and if not that any actual fuck about how lame and shitty they come off#what can I say. it's fun to mock people sometimes.#when I actually started to accept it my first pic I drew of him being obviously trans was in 2016... soo a couple months before I remet#my abuser...#which honestly explains why that whole relationship was so rough on me. I had just finally accepted myself and then this person comes#along and tries to smear me and gaslight me into thinking im Horrible for who I am. like. hello???????#my first time fully being myself was with them and their friend group and they all accepted me until their cult leader told them not to
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ouhh sculpting is absolutely my enemy. but i persevere
#txt#nendo.txt#im chipping away at my third nendo project but sculpting how i want is SO hard#well its not .. horribly hard its just kind of tedious#bc i have to wear gloves for safety reasons n it makes it harder to sculpt the longer im.working#so the longer i work the clay starts drying out and then the gloves get messy and its just OUH#this one needed a lot of smallll small sculpted parts too#little stud earrings hoodie strings hoodie patches#and you can tell in the picture that i did NOT get consistent sizes on those patches HAHA but#tbh it doesnt matter cuz only one of those will be on the body at a time#the hair actually was pretty close to begin with and the sculpt i ended up with looks pretty accurate? so#happy with it even tho it was a huge struggle hah#but you can tell how small these are. theyre on my cutting mat with inch markers. theyre tine#tiny *#and im like. placing a blob of clay on these tiny arms and slicing away at them with my#way too big xacto knife until it kind of looks like the right shape#the first star i made was the best and also smallest snd it just got harder lolol#i also had to fill in a big hole in the top of the head cuz the original figure had#the little uhh. ? hair poofs. what are those AHOGE. two ahoges one on the front piece one on the back#which was too many . so i pulled out the back one#qnywqy hi#i dont take as many progress pics or posts with these as i did with the first cuz#im not rly a Poster and i just like working im not as big on doing updates ^^#but rest assured i am still making nendos and i love doing it#downside of sculpting also is that once i start im in clay purgatory until i finish#cant change videos or apps on my.phone cant check or reply to messages#well maybe its not totally a bad thing to just disconnect and work eith my hands for a while
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ALL I DO IS TRY, TRY, TRY
ââââ ââ
â ââââ
post prison! spencer x genius fem! reader
masterlist | ko-fi
summary: all your life, youâve been second-best. Even now that youâve been chosen to be an agent of the BAU, youâre just a replacement for Spencer Reid. What could change now thatâs heâs out?
cw: there is a bit of an age gap, i imagined reader in her early to mid 20âs, nevermind how it isnât accurate for working at FBI. this is a criminal minds fic, so there are graphic depictions of violence, as well as implied/referenced child neglect/abuse in readers childhood, reader is somewhat a genius
tropes/tags: slowburn on readers end, Spencer is flirting from the beginning, HURT/COMFORT, angst, bit of a sick fic in one scene, bit of soft dom! spencer as a treat
a/n : this came to me in a prophecy. full disclosure i havenât actually seen the prison arc yet so if thereâs any inaccuracies shhhhhh look at the fluff
also !! this is a LOOOOONG one. strap yourselves in. grab snacks and drinks
slipped in some very slight father figure Hotch bc thatâs my crack
title taken from Mirrorball by Taylor Swift
ââââ ââ
â ââââ
Spencer Reid is absolutely nothing like youâd thought heâd be.
From how the team talked about him, youâd been expecting a short, slight man. Someone quiet and meek and non-threatening.
And Dr. (Agent?) Reid was quiet. But not in the donât-notice-me way, but in the I-know-what-Iâm-doing-and-donât-need-to-say-it way. He quietly commanded attention and respect. One look at the man told you he was not somebody to fuck with.
He was also really, really, really hot.
It was unfortunate and difficult, truly, because heâs your senior agent, someone whoâs got more than a few years on you in both field experience and general age. Heâs a genius- insanely good at what he does and thereâs no refuting that.
But most of all, heâs kind and respectful and just genuinely a good person. And also good looking. Did you mention that yet?
He clicks seamlessly into place with the team in a way youâve never managed to do in the time youâve been with him. And after all, why would you? Youâre just the rookie transfer with a bit higher than average IQ. Nothing to brag about. Nothing like Spencer.
You were a data analyst with the FBI before your boss told you: âThe BAU is looking for a temporary genius. I put your name in the ring. Hotchner mustâve been impressed with something, cause he picked you. I know youâve completed the training courses for their team, so pack your desk. Youâve got a new assignment.â
And just like that, every single one of your dreams came true. And then promptly burst into flames and burned to ashes when you realized what exactly your position on the team was: Temporary and replacing.
It makes sense, you guess. The team grew to rely on Reidâs quick wit and intellect. And beyond that, theyâre an agent short. And you fit the bill well enough: swift and intelligent. Nothing more, nothing less. It became clear during the first few weeks that no one on the team had any intention of liking or particularly getting to know you beyond a professional capacity. And you get it, you really do. You donât name the dog youâre gonna get rid of.
With the exception of Penelope. But you donât think she has the ability to ignore someone without a clear reason.
So you did your job and you were good at it. Held the team at armâs length even when they warmed up to you. Kept your head down, stuck to yourself. This way, itâs easier to stop yourself from leaning into JJ and Prentissâs jokes, or to stamp down the glow in your chest from Hotchâs approval.
All of this hard work goes sailing straight out the window and spattering on the concrete below when Reid comes back. Because all it took was one case together- one. And then youâre hopelessly in love with the guy you replaced.
And itâs all kinds of terrible, because itâs Reid. Heâs not only your coworker âsoon to be ex, because now that heâs back youâll be out of a jobâ but heâs also so incredibly out of your league itâs not even funny. But he keeps smiling at you and including you in conversations and saying hi to you and asking your opinion on things during cases as if you would have more to add than he does.
Itâs very hard to keep him at arms length. And because Reid is Reid he drags everybody else over with him and then youâre bonding with a team you have a week left with, maybe two.
Spencer Reid has weaseled his way into your life one stupid smile at a time.
â
The case is going terribly.
What started as a run-of-the-mill serial killer case in some nowhere town turned into huge investigation because Speâ Reid figured out its relation to a cold case from a neighboring town decades prior. And then, to top everything off, just so happens to be near enough to your hometown that your mom saw you on the news when JJ was giving a statement.
And now she wonât stop calling.
Prior to this, you havenât talked to your mom in about seven months. Now? Sheâs calling upwards of twelve times a day.
âMom,â You say, tucked in one of the police stations back rooms, pinching the bridge of your nose, âIâm working, I canât just come out to see youââ
âBut youâve never visited! And your finally in town, andââ
âIâm not in town, Iâm a four hour drive away from town.â
A sigh crackles through the line, her voice tinny. âYou know, your brother always made time to visit family, and your younger brothersââ
âAre younger than me and more successful, yes mom, Iâve heard it all before. Now if youâll excuse me, Iâm trying to catch a serial killer.â
You snap the phone shut before she can protest, effectively ending the call. You sag against the wall, sighing deep and weary. Exhaustion clings to your bones. Itâs not just your mom. This case, being physically close to your hometown, everythingâ itâs weighing you down. You spend more time in the hotel bed tossing and turning than sleeping.
Even Emâ Prentiss had shot you look when youâd came in this morning- though juryâs still out about whether or not it was an are-you-okay look or a you-better-be-good-for-the-case look. Youâre hoping itâs the former.
The room youâre in is empty- the precinct that called for the team went under renovation and remodeling last year, so some of the rooms have fallen into disuse, apparently. Itâs dusty, and filled with boxes and papers and weirdly, one or two condom wrappers. You wish you were surprised.
Your phone has been put strongly on silent, and youâre not expecting anyone to find you for at least twenty minutes. Of course, you donât need twenty minutes. You just need five.
You just need to collect yourself for a moment. A few minutes to breathe, to get your momâs words and the unpleasant memories they bring out of your head; to will the shake out of your hands and the cold creeping in your lungs.
So when the door opens, you nearly jump out of your skin.
Spencer walks in, phone clasped in one hand and a worried expression on his face.
âWeâre getting ready to give the profile.â
âOh,â You peel yourself off the wall, discreetly wiping at your face. You hadnât noticed the frustrated tears carving lines down your face, âSorry, Iâm coming.â
He frowns as you come closer, and panic begins to beat like a drum in your chest.
âIs Hotch upset? I just had to take a call, I thought it wouldââ
âSlow down,â He says, raising his hands. âHotch isnât upset. Is something wrong?â
âNo,â You say quickly, too quickly, because his frown deepens.
âYouâve been taking a lot more calls recently and youâre always upset after theyâre over. Is someone bothering you?â
You sigh, rubbing at your face. âMy mom. Weâre a four hour drive away from my hometown. She saw me on the news when JJ gave her statement.â
Something flashes in his eyes when you say your mother, but itâs gone before you can decipher it.
âYou donât want to see her.â
He says it flat-toned and blank. Like itâs a fact.
It is a fact.
âNo,â You confess, âIâve never been close with my parents. I havenât spoken to her beyond a text in years, and I havenât texted her in months. Then she sees me on the news and Iâm back on her radar again.â
You chuckle, but thereâs no humor in it. âOh, the folly of the disappointing daughter.â
He tilts his head, questioning. âYouâve made something of yourself. Youâre a special agent. Thatâs not nothing.â
âYeah, well. Itâs not Doctor or Lawyer or C.E.O or anything else my brothers or cousins have made of themselves, so,â You shrug. âDisappointing.â
âWell thatâs stupid,â Spencer says, a small curl to his lips, âYou keep all of those stupid people safe by catching serial killers.â
âYouâre a doctor. Did you just call yourself stupid?â
He shrugs, mimicking your earlier action. âIâm not that kind of doctor.â
You look down to hide the smile on your face but he ducks down, catching it anyway.
âHey,â He says, eyes catching yours, âIf you want to talk, you know where to find me.â
You (hesitantly) look up to meet his gaze. âThanks, Reid.â
His face does something weird. Contorts at the words, just for a second. Like he just bit into something sour.
And then itâs gone.
âOf course.â
â
For the rest of the case, everytime your phone rings, Spencer looks at you. Youâre getting close to just throwing the damn thing off a roof, if itâll convince him to stop looking at you like that. You donât know what to do with it. The look he gives you tastes like worry, and you donât know what to do about Spencer Reid worrying about you.
You never meet his gaze. You know heâs looking, but you never look back.
Finally, the case comes to an end. Actually, it goes out in a literal blaze of gloryâ the unsub lights his kill shed on fire.
All of it would have burned to ash if you hadnât run into the structure and and snatched the murder weapon and the most damning pieces of evidence: the printed photographs the unsub took with the victims.
Itâs a win because you saved the evidence.
Itâs a loss because Hotch looks pissed while the paramedics check you over.
Well. You assume he looks pissed. Youâre staring resolutely at your shoes.
Finally, the paramedic gives you the all clear âjust some minor burns here and there, you got luckyâ and you no longer have a human buffer and excuse to avoid talking.
The silence stretches out between you two. Eventually, you cave.
âHotch, Iâm sorryââ
He holds a hand up and you clamp your jaw shut.
âDid you not hear me give the order to stay back?â
âI just thoughtââ
âWe are a team, agent. I need to be able to trust not only that youâre going to follow my orders but be able to work together with the team. Now, youâre not doing either of those things.â
You frown. âI do follow your orders.â
He sighs. âYou didnât today. And more importantly, youâre not acting like a member of this team. You donât call for backup. You donât ask for help. You do good profiling work, agent. But if you canât work with this team then we might need to reconsider your position here.â
That⌠doesnât make any sense.
Hotch catches the confusion on your face. âSomething wrong, agent?â
âI justâ I was under the impression that I would only be working with the team for a few more weeksâŚ?â
Now itâs his turn to look confused. âYou may have been hired at an inopportune time, and until the first year is over it is a probationary basis, but pending review, you are and always have been a permanent member of this unit.â
You blink. âOh.â
Heâs quiet for a moment. âYou didnât think youâd be staying for long.â
You shake your head, your world turned on its head.
He hums. âYou should buy earplugs. Rossi snores.â
You drop your head into your hands.
âAnd agent?â
You look up.
âYou did good work today. You have a team. Learn to use them.â
He walks away, leaving you to process this crisis-inducing information.
So. Youâre not leaving the team. Youâre a profiler. Forever. This is your job now.
So does that mean you werenât replacing Spencer? So why were you hired? Anything you can do multiple people on the team can do better. Why would Hotch pick you?
You stare at the pavement, which gives you a perfect view to watch Spencerâs shoes walk into view and hear him settle next to you.
âYouâre a little young to be having a mid-life crisis.â
It takes you an embarrassingly long time to respond, partly because youâre not sure what to say, but also, the length of his thigh is pressed against yours and itâs hard to think when heâs emanating warmth and you canât stop yourself from thinking about how it would feel to touch, skin to skin.
âWell,â You croak, âI did just get some pretty big news.â
He leans back on his hands, raising an eyebrow. âOh?â
Looking up at him was a mistake. Bathed in the glow of the ambulance and the light from the moon, you can see just how long his eyelashes are, and how his lips move when he says your name.
Oh shit.
âSorry, what?â
His face twitches in a smile. âI asked if you were okay. You were staring.â
You flush from your neck to the tips of your ears. âSorry. Itâs been a long day. Iâm fine. I was just thinking.â
âAbout?â
See, he always does this. Most people would end the conversation there and move on. And thatâs fine. Itâs normal. But Spencer asks. Like heâs interested.
You shrug. âI thought⌠I thought I was leaving the team in a few weeks. Turns out iâm staying.â
He starts swinging his legs on the edge of the ambulance, though where his almost brush the ground, yours swing several inches above it. âWhy did you think you were leaving?â
You laugh softly. âMy boss told me the position was temporary. And in my excitement of getting it I may or may not have⌠not read the paperwork?â
He clicks his tongue. âOh, honey.â
The tips of your ears burn. âI was excited!â
âTo get a job staring at gruesome crime photos?â
âTo help people.â
âWhat? Data analysis not helping people enough?â
âDo I even have to answer that?â
He snorts, his body shaking against yours. âYouâre a consulting analyst. Thatâs the big leagues.â
Now itâs your turn to huff. âIs there a big leagues for data analysis?â
He leans his head down to look at you. âWell, maybe miss smarty-pants over here made a league of her own.â
The shade of red you turn must be visible, dark and bad lighting aside. âYou have an IQ of 187. Can you really call me a smarty-pants?â
He tilts his head, giving you an assessing look. You recognize it. He gives case files the same look.
A faint shudder runs down the length of your spine at that precise, clinical gaze.
It should concern you, unnerve you.
It doesnât.
âNo, Iâm positive. Youâre a smarty-pants.â
You look away, unable to hold the intensity of his gaze.
âHey, no. Come on, you gotta own up to being a smarty-pants. Otherwise you ruin the effect.â
âAm I supposed to start wearing sweaters and Converse, then?â
âWell, that wouldnât be owning the smarty-pants look.â
âDo we have to keep the smarty-pants thing going?â
âTook your mind off the burns, didnât it?â
You blink, realizing that you havenât noticed the dull sting of the minor burns littering your body for a few minutes now.
But that has less to do with Spencer speaking and more to do with the fact that heâs here. Touching you. If you focus really hard, you can feel the chords of muscle lining his arm.
âUh,â You stutter, momentarily flabbergasted by the way heâs looking at you. Like itâs important to himâ you not being in pain. âYeah, yeah, I guess. Well. I feel them now.â
âOh, shame. I guess weâll just have to keep talking.â
You furrow your brows. âDonât you have somewhere else to be? Shouldnât you be helping finish wrapping up the case?â
He shrugs. âIâm right where I want to be.â
Thatâs a decidedly very loaded statement that are not going to unpack.
Youâre not going to unpack to jolt of pure electricity you feel from it, either.
â
You may or may not have lied about just how sick you were, exactly.
âYou know,â Rossi says after you hack a cough into your elbow for what has to be the fiftieth time in as many minutes, âThatâs starting to sound less like the plague and more like desperation.â
You sniff harshly, taking a swig of cough syrup and praying this isnât the king with codeine in it. You didnât read the label very well. âWhat do you mean?â
Prentiss raises an eyebrow. âHeâs saying that most people on their veritable death/bed opt to sleep comfortably in their own beds in their own homes rather than on a plane to hunt down a violent killer.â
You think if your apartmentâ itâs cozy, at least, but still a glaring reminder of the reason you told Hotch you were fine to come in- loneliness.
You have heated blankets and warm lighting and books and tea âboxes and boxes of teaâ and all manner of things that make you happy. But no amount of things can replace, tangible human connection.
You knew the ache of spending the day in your apartment would sting worse than the cold. Fever, Whatever you have.
âIâm thinking of a word,â JJ says, mock tapping her chin thoughtfully, âStarts with work, ends with holic.â
âI am not a workaholic,â you wheeze. âI am fine.â
âYes,â Prentiss says, raising her other eyebrow. Oh no. Not the double eyebrow raise. âBecause this is exactly what the picture of health looks like.â
To avoid answering, you take another swig of cough medicine.
âJust do you know,â Spencer says, âYouâre about one tiny sip of that away from overdosing. Iâd cool it on the cough syrup.â
âBut Iâm still coughing.â
âHave you given it any time to work?â
âItâs been thirty-ish minutes since I took the first dose.â
He levels you with a look at your usage of dose. âWhy donât you wait a little longer before committing suicide via shallow breathing and seizures.â
You wave a hand. âItâs fine. I know how to take care of myself when Iâm sick.â
âIs your version of taking care of yourself just continuously taking medicine until the symptoms become bearable?â
âYouâre un-bearable.â You snort at your play on words, but grow quiet because when you look up, the entire team is looking at you. âWhat?â
âYou never joke.â JJ says.
âAnd I think Iâve heard you laugh exactly two times, and Iâm pretty sure one of them was a sneeze.â Rossi says, a look of vague disbelief on his face.
You squirm in place. âItâs not that big of a deal.â
âUh, yeah it is. Youâre definitely too sick to be on a case if youâre laughing.â
âCome on, it was barely a chuckleââ
Spencer looks around. âYeah, whatâs the big deal? Iâve heard her laugh before.â
JJ and Prentiss snap their heads to him in tandem. âWhat?â
Now he looks vaguely uncomfortable. âI just donât get why itâs such a big deal.â
âThatâs cause you showed up late to the party,â Em- Prentiss says, âYou didnât meet her when she first came. She was all genius consulting data analyst.â
âI wouldnât call myself a geniusââ
âYeah,â JJ chimes in, âI only ever saw her smile to be polite.â
âWait,â Prentiss says, brows pinched, âYou heard her laugh and you didnât tell us? You knew we were trying to see who would make her break first.â
âYou guys were trying to make me laugh? Is that what was happening all that time? I almost called Hotch like, thirty times because I was concerned for you guyâs mental wellbeing. I thought youâd had a nervous breakdown.â
JJ snorts. âNope. Just tried to see if the rumors were true about all data analysts being robots.â
You cough into your elbow. âYou guys make it seem like I was some sort of frigid bitch.â
âFrigid, yes. Bitch, no.â
âHey!â You retort, then wince as the volume of your own voice makes your head pound harder and makes your throat sting worse, âI wasnât that bad. Also, I was nervous! Iâm the youngest person here by like, a long shot. I wanted to be professional.â
âI for one enjoyed it,â Rossi cuts in, âIt was all blunt business. Straight to the point. No beating around the bush or gossiping. A few people here could learn a thing or two.â
âSee?â You gesture. âRossi agrees with me.â
Just about everyone on the plane gives you the exact same look. Hotch especially, whoâs stayed silent during the entire exchange, looks troubled.
Once you land (an ordeal that normally doesnât bother you, but today, had you worshipping the porcelain altar) Hotch pulls you aside.
âAgent,â He says before you climb into the car thatâll take you to the police precinct, âI canât have an agent not at peak performance on this case.â
You frown. âWhat are you saying?â
âIâm saying youâre too sick to work this caseââ
âNo, no, I can work, I can do itââ
ââIn the field. Youâre working from the station until we wrap up. Understood?â
You sigh, knowing when youâre beat. âUnderstood.â
He gazes at you for a second. âYou might want to call out of work entirely the next time youâre sick, you know. The less time you spend resting the longer itâll take to get better. I expect to see you taking care of yourself at the precinct.â
You blink. âAre you⌠dad-ing me?â
He almost smiles. âWell, I am a father. Itâs bound to come out sometimes.â
The joke soothes your concerns of him being upset with you (again.) You suppose it wouldâve been warranted âHotch never gets upset without a reasonâ but still. Heâs the only one you occasionally struggle to read.
The good news is by the time you make it to the station, your medicine has kicked in.
The bad news is when you get to the station your medicine has kicked in.
âSpencer,â You say, spinning in a spinny chair and staring at his blurry face. âDid you know that elephants have prehensileââ
âDo not finish that sentence.â He says, glancing back at the team, all in various stages of concern, disgust, amusement, and annoyance. âDid you take non-drowsy cough medicine?â
âYes! I didnât want to be tired.â
He scrubs a tired hand down his face, then nudges a sealed water bottle across the table to you. âDrink that.â
You wrinkle your nose. âBut my throat hurts.â
âDrink it anyway.â
You snatch the water bottle, grumbling the whole time as you crack the seal and gulp down the water, not realizing how thirsty you were until this very second.
You lean your forehead on the table head still pounding from the pressure in your sinuses. You feel a prickle in the back of your neck, signifying that the team is still staring at you.
With great effort, you lift your head, tilting your chin up and trying to summon all the self confidence you donât actually have.
âI am making a fool of myself. Please disregard my actions until I am no longer ill. This wonât happen again.â
Words are hard. Speaking is hard. With a groan, you drop your head back on your arm.
âAh, there she is.â
âKnew that laugh had to be a fluke.â
âCold medicine must be working.â
There are other mutterings about stubborn geniuses and workaholics and data analysis and Spencer staying at the station andâ
You snap your head up. âIâm fine. I donât need a baby-sitter. Spencer would be most useful in the field. Heâs one of the best shotâs on the team.â
âAnd when it comes to needing a marksman I wonât hesitate to get him,â Hotch says, âBut for now, I need my two geniuses to put their heads together to solve this case.â
Feeling cowed, you avoid Spencerâs gaze as the team files out of the room youâve all set up in, instead grabbing a file from the center of the table. You really are being stupid. You shouldâve stayed home, now youâre a liability, not to mention a walking biohazard. Fuck, why couldnât you just think before youâ
âI can hear you spiraling from over here.â
You lift your gaze, eyeing Spencer who hasnât even put down the case file heâs reading.
You look back down. âI wasnât spiraling.â
âYouâre really going to lie to a profiler?â
âWeâre both profilers.â
âYeah, well, you have an obvious tell when youâre worrying about something.â
âI do not!â
You hear the quiet shuffling of papers.
A sigh leaves your lips, and you press the heels of your hands to your eyes. âIâm really sorry, Speâ Reid. I didnât mean to drag you here with me.â
If he notices your slip up, he doesnât give any indication of it.
âWho said anything about dragging?â
âI know youâre a germaphobe, and Iâm a walking biohazard, and now youâre stuck here going over case files and, and Iâm a liability right nowââ
âSlow down,â He says, interrupting your slew of word vomit. His voice has dropped an octave, gaining a richer note. You should stop thinking about his voice. âIâm fine. Youâre fine. The team is more worried than upset. Youâre not the first person to come to work sick. And you wonât be the last.â
âThey keep staring at me.â
âBecause your current state and manner of behavior are disrupting their pre-conceived notions and set opinions of your character.â
You scrunch your nose. âDonât get all clinical on me,â
You hear a small huff of laughter across the table. âIâve come to work far worse than hopped up on cold medicine, believe me. Donât worry about it. Just focus on working the case.â
Slowly, the itching under your skin settles, and you manage to swallow the lump in your throat. Eventually, you peel your hands away from your face and do what he says.
Hours pass by in a blur of text and you and Spencer occasionally either bouncing ideas off each other or making small breakthroughs. Spencer handles the relay of information because you canât really go more than three full sentences without hacking up a lung. Seriously, what is cough syrup good for?
Sometime past midday, you start flagging. The words start blending and smushing together and your head gets harder and harder to hold up. Youâre jolting yourself back awake every five minutes, forcing your body to just bear through the illness for the sake of productivity. You got yourself into this mess, you deal with the consequences.
Youâre just⌠so tired. Maybe youâll close your eyes, just for a few minutes. To get energy. And then you can get back to the case.
Just for a few minutes.
â
âShe out?â
âLike a light. Powered through for a lot longer than I expected. But dextromethorphan gets us all in the end.â
A low whistle. âPoor kid. The âproving yourself to the teamâ phase is rough.â
A hum. âI think itâs more than that.â
A beat passes.
âYou got her?â
âYeah,â Something soft and good smelling, like pine and coffee and something almost rich settles over your shoulders, âYeah, I got her.â
â
When you wake, your neck is sore but youâre not cold, which is strange considering you remember falling asleep in a table.
Oh god you fell asleep on the table.
You jackrabbit up in place, knees knocking against the underside of the table. Hissing in pain, you tug the warm thing further around your shoulders which isâ
Holy fucking shit itâs Spencerâs sweater.
Said man is nowhere to be found, and the conference/briefing room youâre in is dark. Not only did someone turn the lights off (youâre pretty sure you can guess who) but itâs dark outside. Meaning you didnât just take a short nap.
You slept the entire day away.
Cold dread seeps into your shoulders. âOh my god Iâm so fired. Oh shit. Fuck, Hotch is going to be so pissedââ
The door opens and you stand, whirling around to face the doorway and then instantly regretting it when spots dance across your vision and your head swims.
You stumble, grabbing the edge of the chair for support and squinting at the figure in the doorway.
âHotch?â
âNope,â Spencerâs voice rings out in the room, âGuess again.â
You groan, sinking down into the chair. âAm I fired?â
He snorts. âSeeing as Hotch bet that youâd fall asleep before dark, Iâd say no.â
âHe bet against me?â
âActually, everyone else thought youâd only last an hour. He bet for four.â
âHow long did you bet for?â
He sets a mug in front of you, steaming tea wafting up and warming your face. âThree hours. You metabolize cough syrup better than I thought.â
You take the mug in your hands, warming your fingers but not actually taking a sip. âMmm. Told you Iâve done this before.â
âI donât think thatâs the brag you think it is.â
You chuckle, which quickly turns into a cough.
âDrink your tea,â He commands softly from across the table, sleeves pushed up around his elbows and papers spread about him.
You dutifully take a sip, something restless growing calm in the back of your skull.
You eye is forearms, hoping the look-over youâre giving them is subtle. (It probably isnât, but come on. A button down with the sleeves rolled up while youâre wearing his sweater is practically sinful.)
âDo you⌠want the lights turned back on? Iâm awake now, so.â
He flips over a piece of paper, then scribbles something on a sticky note. âYou were sleeping. And you have a headache. I can see just fine.â
âMy headache isnât that bad, really, Iâm fiââ
He levels you with a look, and you sink a little lower in your chair. âDo you at least want your sweater back?â
âNo. Keep it.â
âCareful, maybe Iâll just keep it forever,â You joke.
âIâd be fine with that.â
What. The. Fuck.
You stand, pushing out the chair with a loud screech. âIâm just gonnaâ bathroom,â You splutter, your face blazing and stomach doing a gymnastics routine, âIâm gonna use the bathroom. Bye.â
Youâre screaming internally the entire way to the bathroom, and once you get there, open-mouthed silent screaming in the privacy of a stall.
Because. He said. He didnât even look up. He just. And he. Maybe heâ
No, no, no. You are not about to entertain that notion. Not again. He was just being nice. Thatâs all. Thatâs all.
Collecting yourself takes about five more minutes, and then youâre walking back to the conference/briefing room when you realize you never took the damn sweater off. He watched you scramble out of that room to the bathroom he has to know you werenât using, with his sweater on.
This is the end for you, then. Thatâs it. Itâs over.
You mentally slap yourself. Get it together. Itâs fine. Itâs fine. Everything is fine.
You re-enter the room marginally calmer than you left it. You slide into your seat, sip your tea (that he made you!) and keep working on the case.
You pretend you canât see him smirking from across the table.
â
The case doesnât last too long. The team catches the guy in the act of beating his next victim. Thankfully, you manage to save the poor woman before he finishes his plan, and with being caught red-handed, itâs fairly open and shut. Case closed. Which is great, because you really arenât sure how many more nights you can suffer through trying to sleep in the hotel bed.
You have this thing, when youâre sick. You canât sleep anywhere but the couch. Your couch. You figured (apparently foolishly) that it wouldnât be too bad, since the crux of the issue is that you hate sleeping in your bed when youâre sick, but no. Youâd spent every night of the case tossing and turning and coughing yourself out. Your lungs were tired. Your body was tired. You were tired.
Spencer raises an eyebrow at you when you board the jet. âYou havenât been near-overdosing on cough syrup again have you?â
âNo,â You grouse, rubbing your face with your hand. âIâm like, not even sick anymore. I just didnât sleep well.â For several nights in a row.
âMmm,â He hums, non-committal.
You practically collapse into your usual seat on the jet, hunching in yourself and attempting to make yourself comfortable in the seat.
You blink your eyes open when you feel the seat jostle next to you. âReid?â
Heâs already pulling out a book. âWhat?â
âThis isnât your seat.â
âWe donât have assigned seats.â
âNo, but you always sit over there.â
âAnd now Iâm sitting here.â
You narrow your eyes at him, trying to decide if you want to argue him on the point or not. You decide against it, because arguing will draw attention to the fact that youâre sitting next to each other having this conversation at all.
You settle back into your seat. âWhatever. Hope youâre not a loud page-turner.â
âIs that even a thing?â
You shrug, eyes falling shut again.
After a few minutes, you shiver, unconsciously scooting closer to the warmth of the person next to you, your sleep-addled brain barely processing the fact that itâs Spencer youâre pressing your shoulder into.
He repositions next to you, shoulder jostling you. You grumble, dropping your head to his arm. Now much closer, your nose fills with the smooth, all encompassing smell that is Spencer.
The dull chatter that fills the plane, the warm body next to yours, and, despite your earlier complaints, the quiet, gentle page-turning lull you into an easy sleep.
â
âAre you drugging her or something? Iâve seen her sleep more this week than I have in her entire time on the team.â
âThe only drugging sheâs done was voluntary.â
âHer neck is going to be so sore when she wakes up.â
âSore? Mine would be broken if I did that.â
âAh, the joys of youth.â
A beat passes. Then another.
âSheâs a bit young, donât you think?â
âEmily donât startââ
âJust saying, Spence. HR would get a kick out of this.â
âNot like it never happens. Weâve all walked into supply closet B at the wrong time.â
âThis isnât meaningless sex though.â
ââŚNo.â
Silence.
âAre you sure youâre alright?â
A deft hand re-adjusts your head to a more comfortable angle. âI will be.â
â
Landing jolts you into wakefulness and off Spencerâs shoulder. Itâs not embarrassing. Itâs not. Itâs only weird if you make it weird.
When youâre all back at HQ, you pull Hotch aside.
âCan I talk to you for a minute?â
He nods. âIn my office.â
You stalk up the stairs, aware of the eyes following your back. You step into the office, shutting the door behind you and pretending it doesnât feel like sealing your doom.
He sits, gesturing for you to do so too, but you shake your head.
âI wonât be long. I just wanted to apologize.â
He blinks. âFor?â
âI shouldnât have come in. I was a liability, and it was unprofessional. Next time Iâll act with more discretion.â
Selfish, Your motherâs words echo in your head, your fatherâs words following suit: Try harder.
He laces his fingers together, resting him on his desk.
âDo you know why I chose you?â
âBecause Reid was gone, and you needed a geâ someone smart.â
âEvery member of my team is intelligent. Thatâs not why I chose you.â
He reaches down, opening a desk drawer and pulling out a newspaper clipping.
Your breath hitches when you read the words on it.
âGarcia found it,â He says, scanning the piece of paper. ââProfessorâs Assistant saves college class from school shooterâ. You were sixteen.â
You look down at your shoes. âIt was the scariest moment of my life. I didnâtâ he came in, and I was behind the door getting paper, and he didnât see me. He⌠I knew people would die if I didnât do something. I tackled him. He shot me twice before I managed to kick the gun away. I almost bled out.â
He nods, putting the clipping down. âThatâs who I chose. Not the genius. Not the consulting data analyst. Someone who wants to help people.â
He puts the clipping back in his drawer. âIâm not going to write you up for not having a healthy work-life balance. No one in this bureau does, and if they say they do, theyâre lying.â
You sigh, rubbing at your face. âNow I look stupid for asking to talk.â
âItâs not an imposition. Youâre a member of my team. That makes your wellbeing when youâre on the job my responsibility.â
Unable to form a response to that, you manage to stutter out a thank you, and then flee from his office, collapsing into your chair at your desk with a sigh.
A mug is set in front of you. Different mug, same tea, same hand.
âI think you need to reevaluate your opinion of Hotch and what kind of person you think he is.â
You take the mug with a glare. âI was reasonably concerned.â
âYou thought you were going to get written up for coming to work sick?â
âIt was a logical conclusion to draw,â You pause, taking a sip of the tea, which is just as good as it was last time. Actually, itâs slightly sweeter, and it soothes your throat more. âAnd stop profiling me. Whatâd you put in this?â
âStop being so easy to profile,â Spencer says, crossing his arms. âHoney. They didnât have any at the station.â
Itâs quiet for a few moments: him staring at you, you pretending heâs not staring and sipping your tea.
âYou should go home.â
âWhy?â
âBecause youâre still sick. Donât tell me you just canât wait to write all this paperwork.â
âMaybe I am.â
âNo youâre not,â He picks up your jacket from where itâs hanging off the side of your cubicle and plops it in your lap. âGo home. Iâll sick Hotch on you.â
You stand, shrugging your jacket on and pointing an accusing finger at him. âYouâre a cruel man.â
âMhm. Sure. Go home.â
You grumble all the way to the door, but quiet when you look back to see him watching you fondly. He gives you a little two finger wave, and with the sheer amount of heat that rushes to your cheeks, you have no choice but leave immediately.
Stupid genius co-workers.
â
The next week brings wellness and a lull in cases.
Unfortunately, that also means you donât have an excuse to put off your paperwork any longer.
Spencer taps the top of it with a slender finger. âDid it get bigger since the last time I saw it?â
Heâs hanging around your desk for⌠some reason. He came to drop off paperwork from your last case, and then stuck around for some unknown purpose.
âNo,â You groan, setting your mug of coffee aside and grabbing the first paper off the stack. âStill the same pile Iâm procrastinating on.â
âGood luck,â He huffs, finally turning and walking back to his own desk. Itâs still in your eyeline, if you crane your neck a little.
You sigh, grabbing your earbuds from your desk, knowing you canât put the paperwork off any longer. Youâre pretty sure Records is going to start sending you death threats soon.
Making your way through the pile is slow going. Itâs terrible. The only part of working with the BAU you hate is the paperwork. Itâs tedious and never-ending and it always gives you a headache.
The only times you get up are to use the bathroom and get more coffee. JJ kindly tells you that you should probably leave your mug in the break room after your sixth or so trip. Spencer, somehow, appears in the room, and rattles off the symptoms of caffeine overdose.
You leave the mug there.
You continue working well after everyone else leaves. It gets dark, people go home, office lights go off, and while the pile has largely decreased in size, itâs still not finished.
You have to finish. Hotch had made an offhand comment about turning in your paperwork on time and now you have to finish it. To show him youâre not lazy.
Youâve only got a little bit of paperwork left when a hand taps you on your shoulder.
You yank your earbuds out, blinking blearily. âWha?â
Spencerâs face swims into view. âCome on, time to go home.â
âWhat are you doing here?â
âMaking sure you didnât fall asleep and forget to go home. They do lock the doors at a certain point. Ask me how I know.â
Your brain is moving like sludge, and it takes you several minutes to process what he says. He continues standing in front of you, patiently waiting for you to respond.
âBut⌠the paperwork.â
âWill be here tomorrow. Come on, up we go.â
You whine as he takes your hands, hauling you to your feet. You attempt to scrub the sleep out of your eyes while messily moving papers about so your desk doesnât look like a copy machine threw up all over it.
He pushes your jacket into your hands and you shrug it on, grumbling all the way through the doors and out to the parking lot, Spencer in tow. He follows dutifully behind you, and everytime you look back at him to voice your complaints all he does is smile.
âItâs cold.â
âThat does tend to happen in winter.â
When you get to your car, he reaches out, tugging on your wrist.
âHey,â He says, looking down at you, eyes deep pools of some emotion you canât identify, âDrive safe, okay? Itâs icy.â
âMy commute isnât that bad. And Iâm,â You break off with a huge yawn. âNot even that tired.â
âThat doesnât inspire much confidence, smarty-pants.â
âOh, so weâre locked into the smarty-pants thing, huh?â
âYep.â He says, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets and popping the P.
âWell then what am I supposed to call you? Robot-Reid?â
âHow about Spencer?â
His words hang in the night air, mingling in the puffs of air from both of your mouths.
ââŚWhat rhymes with Spencer?â
âSensor, denser, dispenserââ
âDis-Spencer,â You say, smiling to yourself. âI like the sound of that one.â
âYou know dis comes fromââ
âThe latin word dis, and the prefix is used to denote a reversal of absence of an action, expressing negation, or expressing completeness or intensification of an unpleasant or unattractive action.â
He chuckles, smiling down at his shoes. âThatâs why youâre the smarty-pants.â
âOh please. You know all of that and then some.â
He shrugs. âMaybe, maybe not.â
You both stand in the cold of the parking lot, neither willing to leave yet.
Before you can think better of it, you dart forward, throwing your arms around Spencerâs neck and mumbling âGoodnight, Dis-Spencer.â
You step away quickly, awkwardly giving him a small wave before hurrying into your car and driving away.
Smooth.
â
The next case is⌠really rough.
Two spree killers, working as a team. A father and a son; the son was groomed into the lower position.
Not anything you havenât seen before. Trained for. Studied.
No amount of studying could have prepared you for the cold grip of dread that gripped your throat like a vice when you finally confronted the unsubs, and heard eerily familiar words uttered from the father:
âYouâre a good for nothing son! I wouldnât have had to do this if you werenât such a disappointment of a child! Why couldnât you have just been more like your siblings?â
The son was killed before anyone could intervene.
Wrapping up the case left you shakenâ youâd watched with hollow eyes as the boyâs body was zipped in a body bag.
A hand landing roughly on your shoulder shoves awareness back into your body and you flinch, hard, whirling around with your shoulders raised to meet the oncoming threat.
Only itâs not a threat. Itâs Hotch. And he looks concerned.
You force your body to relax. âIâm sorry, Iâll go help question the rest of the familyââ
âAre you okay?â
You blink. âWhat?â
âAre you alright?â He asks again.
âYeah, Iâm, Iâm okay. It just⌠reminded me of something.â
Hotch purses his lips but doesnât say anything. He looks heâs going to say something, but then decides against it.
âHelp Reid get the last of the evidence. Once you two are finished head back to the station. Weâll meet you there.â
You nod, inwardly relieved about not having to deal with the family members. You might start actually crying.
You sidle up to Spencer whoâs tagging blood splatters on the carpet. He wordlessly hands you a pair of gloves. He doesnât ask. You donât tell.
You work side by side for the better part of two hours, occasionally conversing with the local police or helping the crime scene investigators tag evidence.
If he knows whatâs bothering you, he doesnât say. You wouldnât have an answer anyway. Youâre far too gone in your own head.
You follow Spencer to the break room back at the station, watching him quietly make two mugs of tea. He presses one into your hands with a gentle command to let it cool for a few minutes. The mug is warm in your hands. Spencer is standing next to you, a mug of his own in his hands. Your parents arenât here. Youâre fine.
You chant this mantra in your head while you wait for the rest of the team to come back.
Your parents arenât here. Youâre fine.
Spencer doesnât ask before sitting next to you on the jet. He just does. He hands you a book, then opens his own.
You donât read a single page. He must know. Still, he says nothing, just presses a little closer to you when he sees your hands shaking.
The team gives the two of you space when you finally land. You stumble off the jet, trip backpack slung over your shoulder, legs wobbly and breath uneven.
Youâre not sure why the case upset you this much. Your parents donât upset you this much. They justâ they make the same kind of comments, and so did that father, except now his son is dead because he killed himâ
âHey,â Hotch approaches you slowly, makes sure you can see him. You hate that he feels the need to do so. âTake tomorrow off. Stay home. Recuperate.â
âIâm fiââ
âWe all have tough missions and I would do the same for any agent,â He says, clasping you gently on the shoulder. âBesides. We both know you havenât been sleeping well.â
Your lips twitch. âIsnât there a rule against profiling each other?â
âThat rule is for all of you. Not me.â
He gives your shoulder one last squeeze before departing.
You manage to haul yourself into HQ and out to the parking lot, cursing as your cold fingers fumble with your keys. Frustrated tears begin to well in your eyes and you press the heels of your hands to your face, sucking in a shuddering breath and begging it all to just stop.
Someone gently pries your hands open, pulling your keys out of your clenched grip. Your shoulders shake as you heave, gasping for cold night air that burns on the way down.
A hand finds its way to the back of your head, pressing it forward into something warm and solid. Another arm wraps around your waist, keeping you close, while the hand on your head drifts down to your neck, squeezing and rubbing intermittently.
âIâm sorry,â You cry, rubbing your face and smearing your tears across your hands, âI donât know why, it justââ
âYou donât need a reason,â Spencer says, spreading his hand out wide so it covers the entire nape of your neck, âSometimes it all just gets to you.â
You nod into his chest, lowering your hands from his face to wrap around his torso, clutching it like a lifeline.
âI donât want to go home tonight,â You whisper, ashamed. âIâll dream of it. And them. And itâll be cold and aloneââ
âCome home with me,â He says, voice a little breathless while he holds you closer, âCome home with me.â
He says the last part a little desperate.
You sniff. âOkay.â
You hesitantly pull away from the hug, but not before Spencerâs hand moves from your neck to your face, his thumb brushing away the tear tracks on your face. He drops his head down, and you feel the gentlest brush of lips against the skin in between your eyebrows.
âLetâs go home.â
He tugs you along by the hand, helping you into his little old car, tucking your bags into the backseat. He lets the radio play softly while he drives, loud enough to quiet your thoughts a bit but not so loud as to overwhelm you.
He helps you out of the car when you arrive to the apartment building, carrying one of your bags up the stairs- youâd insisted on carrying the rest of your stuff.
He unlocks the apartment door, ushering you into the warmth and comfort that is Spencerâs home.
Itâs exactly like you pictured, if not tidier. A bit more modern than youâd imagined. Books are everywhere of course, but so are knick-knacks and trinkets and other little bits of things that are so decidedly Spencer. Thereâs even a quilt on the couch.
He sets your bag down by the door. âThe shower is down that hall to the left. Use whatever products you need to. Do you have any clothes to change into?â
You chew on the inside of your lip. âIn my luggage, yeah, but they need to be washed.â
âI can put them in the wash while you shower. In the meantime, you can borrow something of mine.â
You shuffle in place. âI donât wanna imposeââ
âPlease let me do this for you.â
The raw, rough edge to his tone makes you pause. You nod in acquiescence.
He takes your hand in his again, tugging you into his bedroom. With one hand, he opens drawers, handing you his smallest pair of sweatpants, and a large, worn, and incredibly soft Caltech sweatshirt.
âIâll have to cuff these,â You mumble when he hands you the sweatpants, âMy legs are half the length of yours.â
âYouâll make it work, Iâm sure. Now shoo. Iâll have laundry and food finished when you get out of the shower.â
The bathroom, like the rest of the house, is clean and neat, and to your relief, houses more than just a five-in-one in the shower. Spencer actually owns multiple products for you to choose from and it hits you while youâre lathering the body wash you chose because of how good it smelled that youâre in Spencerâs shower, showering with his body wash, about to put on his clothes.
Youâre going to smell like him. His clothes will smell like him. Everywhere in the apartment smells like him.
You decide to blame the near permanent flush on your cheeks on the heat from the shower.
When you exit the shower, fresh and drowning in Spencerâs clothes, heâs standing at his kitchen island, putting the final touches on two bowls of soup.
You almost tear up again. âYou made me soup?â
âItâs widely regarded as a comfort food for people who are ill or otherwise sad, and is most commonly made in the wintertime.â
He gives you a little jazz hand, gesturing to the soup as if saying ta-da!
You really do tear up then.
Heâs in front of you in an instant, hands poised to help. âHey, hey, whatâs wrong? Do you not like soup? I can make something else, or we can order in, orââ
You scrub at your face with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. âYouâre just, youâre just really sweet.â
His face softens. âOh, honey.â
He envelops you in the second hug of the night, except this time youâre crying in earnest now. Your crying about your parents, about the nights you went to bed hungry because your Dad told that you were smart, and to figure something out, but you were too young to work any of the kitchen appliances. Youâre crying about your first best friend, who ditched you the second your brother asked her out. Youâre crying about all the classes and friendships you missed out on while you were in the hospital with gunshot wounds. Youâre crying about how your parents didnât visit you once. Not even when you were in the ICU.
Spencer holds you through it all, a steady rock against the battering waves crashing in your head.
After a few minutes, you wear yourself out, quieting down to sniffling, your shoulders hitching.
He pulls back, studying your face. âAre you ready to eat some soup now?â
You nod, blinking the final tears out of your eyes. âI got snot on your shirt.â
âThatâs why we invented washing machines.â
He keeps up a stream of idle chatter while you eat, explaining all the different major soups in the world and where they came from. Itâs a balm against your weary mind, lulls you into peace and safety.
Or maybe thatâs just the effect Spencer has on you.
When you finish your food, he takes your bowl, deposits it in the sink, and then takes your hand and leads you to his bedroom.
âI donât have a guest room, so you can take the bed,â He says, voice soft. âThereâs extra blankets in the closet next to the bathroom if you get cold.â
He turns to leave, but a stab of panic slices down your chest, and your hand is reaching out and grabbing his wrist before you can stop yourself.
He pauses, turning back around. âYou want me to stay?â
You take your lip between your teeth. âI donât want to be alone.â
He studies you in the dark of the roomâ clad in his clothes, face puffy from crying.
The muscles in his jaw work.
âI canât do this platonically. If we do thisââ
You surge up on your toes, grabbing his face and smashing your lips together so quickly your teeth clack.
He goes rigid, then kisses your right back, hands coming up to cup your face, squeeze your neck, smooth over your shoulders.
You pull away first, looking at him through your lashes with hazy eyes. âI canât do this platonically either.â
He traces the planes of your face with his thumb. âYou have no idea how long and how much Iâve wanted to have you right here, just like this.â
âCrying and sad?â
âDressed in my clothes, in my apartment, in my bed.â
You pause. âYou know, tonight, I canât, Iâm not going to haveââ
âIâm not interested in sex with you tonight,â He says, reading your mind, âI just want to get that empty look in your eyes gone.â
âJust?â
âWell,â He says, tugging you down onto the bed with him, crawling under the covers and covering you both, âThere are other things. A lot of other things, Like this,â
He presses a kiss to your forehead.
âAnd this,â
He pulls you flush against him under the covers, tucking your head under his chin.
âBut mostly this.â
He presses one last kiss to the crown of your head.
âReally?â
âReally.â
Itâs quiet for a moment before his voice breaks the silence.
âAfter I got out, all I wanted was something soft and gentle. Having something, someone soft and lovely to hold was all I looked forward to. And then I came back and I met you, with your polite introductions and the way you care so deeply about so much and I knew. I knew who I wanted to hold.â
âWow,â You breathe, âYours sounds so poetic. Mine is much less so.â
âMmm,â He hums, âAnd what might that be?â
You press your face against his chest and mumble so quietly youâre wondering if he can ever hear you:
âI just wanted you to choose me. I wanted to be someoneâs first choice.â
Heâs so quiet after that you think he must not have heard you.
Youâre on the verge of sleep when you hear his whisper:
âThere couldnât be anyone else for me.â
ŕŞââ´
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designs for a zine piece! enjoy some background story my illustration never needed under the read more (fair warning I did NOT edit this at all):
newbie mage apprentices Sam and Tucker who became friends bc they're kinda⌠the ones at the bottom of their class and struggle the most, for different reasons. they become besties over time and practice together!
except one night, something goes terribly wrong. they spent the last few nights preparing for a project, a bigger spell that needs an intricate circle with precise measurements to work. but when they try to activate it, wellâŚÂ
oops. they summoned a demon.
which is, for one, extremely illegal. only certified demonologists are allowed to summon demons because they're so dangerous. anything less than a perfect binding circle and thoroughly researched info on the demon, including their true name, is even remotely safe.
but, weirdly enough⌠the demon seems just as surprised as they are. as Sam and Tuck frantically try to figure out how to dispel the demon, they realizeâoh god, did their circle actually sufficiently bind the demon? it can't leave. they watch the demon tentatively poke it's claws into the air around the boundary, and watch it fizzle, retreating back with a strained hiss.
okay. okay, they can do this. without death looming over their heads, they can figure out how to send the demon back. it's cool, it's fine. except while they leaf through their books, they notice the demon watching them. it looks kind of⌠curious. timid. interested in what they're doing. it catches them noticing his staring, and it. apologizes? it seems flustered?
weird, okay. they keep looking, and the demon starts talking. at first, little comments to itself. mumbles that soon get just loud enough to hear. little âooh, is that a telescope?" and âis that what fire looks like up here?" and âthat must be for making charcoalâŚâ
Sam is the one brave enough to be like "are all demons as chatty as you??â and the demon gets flustered again, apologizing. says he's just never been topside before, he's only read about humans in tomes. oh wow is that the moon outside? it really IS blue up here! is it always blue? what are you doing up? I thought humans slept at night?
Sam and Tuck can't help getting pulled in with the demon's genuine curiosity. they're wary though, since they know demons can be clever, conniving. there's a number of ways a demon can get the upper hand on a summoner who has them bound. if he gets their full names, gets them to smudge and break the circle⌠there could also be ways they aren't aware of. so they consider their words carefully, but engage in some chatter while they research.
it's almost morning by the time they find a way to send the demon backâbut as they prepare the spell, the demon says WAIT WAIT and they stop, uncertain. the demon starts stammering out how this is weird but like⌠he really had fun tonight. he doesn't get to just hang out much, especially with anyone his age.
Tuck is like âhow do you know our ages??" and the demon points out "oh, you said something about Paulieâs 18th birthday party, so I thoughtâŚâ and they're both like oh shit we didn't even notice we did that?
âPaulina" Sam corrects in her dumbfounded stupor.Â
âRight, Paulina!" the demon snaps his fingers, but quickly loses his confidence when Sam and Tuck continue to stare at him like they're not sure what's going on. he coughs and fidgets and says âum, well, I was just wondering, I guess⌠if you wanted to summon me another time, I wouldn't mind. you see those circles there? yeah, that's what summoned me. the candles helped too I think. oh, it doesn't need all those runes though, probably don't want to redraw all those.â
Sam and Tuck are practically gawking, but⌠for some reason, this demon looks so sincere. so much like them, awkward and lonely and genuinely curious.
it's a bad idea. a terrible one, even. the demon probably noticed they're newbies and not demonologists. it could be hoping they make an error in their circle, or mess up a candle, or reveal their names on accident.Â
But, well. They're stupid. they're also eager for anything to help them in school, and too empathetic for their own good. they send the demon off with a yeah, no. they then think about it for a week, and end up summoning the demon against their better judgment.
the demon is shocked and so happy, they can't help but be a little endeared. they lay down some ground rules, take care to be as safe as possible⌠and soon, this demon that introduces himself as âPhantom" becomes a nightly visitor. they talk about their worlds, find out they share a lot of common interests, and help each other in their studies. which, hello, demons also study? bro are you serious??
they play games, laugh till their ribs hurt, and open up to each other on a far deeper level than anyone expected. over time, Phantom becomes a true friend.
Sam and Tuck quietly begin to lament the fact Phantom is stuck in that damn circle. they want to take him places, let him see the human world he seems so interested in. they want to paint his stupid claws and noogie him between his dumb horns and hug him.
but it's an astronomical risk. it's legal for a demonologist with a proper permit, but it's still considered a grave taboo to grant access to a demon outside a circle. there's just too much at risk. demons can be dangerous enough to lay waste to entire towns, take multiple teams of military-rank mages to take down.
they wouldn't risk it⌠if they hadn't snuck into the libraryâs restricted section and copy a page from a demonologist book that gives them good framework for a contract. they make some edits to it though, giving Phantom at least a little wiggle room to protect himself if need be. and allow him use of transformation magic so he can hide somehow. but they spend weeks making sure they have airtight wording to ensure Phantom can't cause anyone or anything any substantial harm.Â
when they finally bring the contract to Phantom, he's stunned. he cries. nothing needs to be said, they all know the gravity of their proposal. even if they ask for proof of Phantom's trust in turn, first. they ask for his full name, so they can bind him. just temporarily. but in that moment, they'll have full control over him. they could instead tell Phantom to serve them, force him to obey their every order. even if it's just for a moment, giving them his full name with the proper circle and incantation, is putting his life in their hands.Â
Phantom, with tears still in his eyes, smiles warmly and nods. with only a breath to steel himself, he gives them his full name. Daniel James Fenton.
magic sparks in the circle, and Sam and Tuck finish the incantation. ethereal chains sprout up to wrap around Phantom's arms and legs, which makes him jumpâbut the unwavering trust in his eyes makes the two humans choke up.
they release the binding. all that's left is to break the containment barrier in the circle, so Phantom can walk free.
âUh, about thatâŚâ Phantom laughs sheepishly⌠then proceeds to step outside of the circle, merely wincing when the barrier zaps around him.
Sam and Tucker gawk. Phantom scratches his neck. âY-yeah, so⌠your barrier circle was already broken that first night. It's, uh⌠right over there. You missed a spot.â
abject horror overcomes them because this entire time Phantom's been visiting, he could have broken out? EASILY?? THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD.
Tucker falls to his knees, but soon starts to laugh. it's kind of hysterical at first but slowly, he and Sam are genuinely laughing. they're so STUPID, and Phantom is the most un-demonlike demon they've ever HEARD of. Phantom is still flustered, stammering out apologies because he wasn't trying to deceive them or anything! he just didn't want to scare them! without a proper containment circle they technically couldn't send him back either, so he just⌠went back using his own magic each time they âdispelled" him.Â
once they've calmed down, Phantom morphs his body into a human formâwhich shock Sam and Tuck, because uh, only elite demons are capable of that. they were expecting an animal, or straight up going invisible. Phantom laughs it off, says he just, spent a lot of time practicing bc he's so interested in the human world (not a lie, but). he proceeds to adopt the nickname Danny, and they all have FUN WONDERFUL SHENANIGANS
(and sometime in the near future, when faced with something truly threatening he needs to protect them from, Danny reveals that. well. their contract also had some holes in it. and he's had access to his full demon power this whole time. whoopsie! it's a good thing he genuinely loves them and doesn't want to hurt anyone, or their asses would be SO dead lol)
they're about as normal about his full demon form as you'd expect from me btw:
#danny phantom#dp demon au#everlasting trio#when is it not lmao#zilly art#Tucker: oh I am SO climbing that#Tucker: no I'm serious get me a grappling hook
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