#and that last part is what rlly gets me
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More and more I feel like large studios set up their more ‘woke’ and diverse projects up to fail.
#like at some point there is just an undeniable pattern of behavior and it is really unfortunate#and then bigots will go see! being woke is terrible! this is failing bc everything isn’t about straight white men!#and that last part is what rlly gets me#marvel#dc#discourse ig#fuck marvel#fuck Disney#I can list em give me a sec#madame web captain marvel that one Thor movie ig multiverse of madness she hulk loki wish ugh I’m sure there’s more I can’t think of rn#but you see what I’m getting at
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do you make enough money from selling prints in etsy to sustain your life? how are you able to afford this beautiful house and time to crochet and go on walks and all of that? i’m not asking for nosiness but because i’m trying to figure out what i would need to do in order to make my life financially sustainable… is art an option… etc
short answer i mooch off my bf <333333333333333
#long answer part 1: i make enough off my etsy to afford my stuff (and i really don't buy much) and help out w th food bills where i can etc#i hvnt been able to do much of that OR save anything for the past couple months bc i hvnt been selling much BUT . things are beginning#to pick up again and i hve new stock to add when i get back from holidays :3#i have a smallish job lined up from my agent which is exciting! but hopefully i will make enough w her doing picture books etc to be able#to pay my keep / save more etc! i hve been anxious abt money this past months but thats just more so money for me to spend on small stuff :#i also dont drive so . i dont rlly hve many outwards expenses . im very lucky to have him hes very kind and lovely !!#if i wasnt w him and he didnt hve a house i would still b living w my mama which i did since i left uni!#long answer part 2: i always make time for goofing off during my work day. always!!!#part of the joys of being a freelancer! i can do what i want!!#i can share my routine in more detail if u guys want but i dont start work until abt 2pm-ish most days bc i dont rlly work well in the#mornings. when i hve more work that might change!! i have enough on to keep me busy but im not rlly hvin 2 manage my time u kno#im very very lucky to be in such a comfortable position :3 i hope one day u can be as comfy !!#oh also. i think once the agency work kicks in i will b fine financially ! and also u can absolutely make a living off etsy when its good#its very good for me ! i was very comfy financially around xmas last year i made a lot#u can do it u can do it !! art will always sell !!
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the little jrue is Traumatized by the Horrors of working fast food
#me receiving surgeon of the yr award for a job i literally just started and consider part time nd dont consider myself that job title#i used to volunteer my help around the rlly Rlly bad traumas of chicago and was begged employment#management is weird af of course bcs it's basically one burnt out bitch with a bunch of other burnt out bitches (everyone else) and very#VERY understaffed. hence my last second 16hr i survived#i cant even go in depth anywhere on what i do vs what i get billed for cus yea. does not even compare#but yea it's str8 up pitiful this job economy and it always will be#at least struggle in smthing u like or struggle on the side while u work a real one or watever idc#OH a funny thing to note i drive past a sign of demar in a bulls uni cus they didnt take it down yet#and it's riddled with Gun Shot Wounds like it's hilarious#id take a photo but it's on a busy road where u get yelled at not for going over 50mph#why is his hat shaped like the butt of a bread loaf lol
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i submitted my lovely mouseboy Finnegan for the @ahatintime-oc-competition yesterday :D here is the art i drew 4 them!
for those unaware: he came from a dream i had once involving him and Snatcher But As A Bird; and i sorta just. added onto them from there. they're so sillay
#a hat in time oc#potatart#ahit#(just for the art tag....sorry :#Finnegan Snowshoe#get propergandered. i will conjure up more art of them soon i think#very vivid image in my mind of what their personality is like but its rlly hard to describe#...........#ok quickly avert ur eyes i am going to say something that is embarrassing to me#oc competitions make me nervous and it is because i think last time i did one it went Badly#like idc about the losing part i thought that was really funny but i just felt like everyone.hated me :#i know thats not true and its the brain poison talking but#i remember somebody skimmed thru my account and saw that i was hyperfixated on south park at the time and#uswd that as a reason to not vote for my character#which was one of those things that made me so so nervous that i felt Physically Ill and it ruined like my whole day#confidence is key. i think. so i am grabbing myself by the shoulders and going “YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE FUN!!!!”#sorry for the very Personalness that just jappened here. its okay thought bc i trust everuone averyed their eyes to my sad ramblings#besides i like finnegan :] and i trust most ppl to not Kill me Dead#anyways. ignore ignore ignore FINNECHER NUMERO UNO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#THIS IS A LITTLE SOMETHING I LIKE TO CALL: PUTTING TOO MUCH EFFORT INTO THINGS
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for months i genuinely wholeheartedly could not tell the 911 guys apart and this is so important for me to stress bc throughout my life i have prided myself on being able to tell twins apart really easily and liking being that person to connect faces to other things ive watched or honestly just seen in passing like i could track down a random commercial actress and shit and i mean i suppose part of that is not knowing their characters and they just twin all the time but i apologize still im aware that mans last name is diaz and now i feel like im sitting here laid up @ all the tumblr lesbians like haha damn so thats buck x eddie? that said idk if im like happy i know any of this.
#but it’s chill it feels like a good part of the tumblr ecosystem most of the time i’m like just there enough to be like yuppp i know that#guy. sometimes u talk abt them and im like i just don’t know if its that crazy. then u say some other stuff and i’m like ok that is lowkey#crazy but still i think even if i ever watched it. which i dont rlly plan on. but if it happened i think id have to move in silence#oh god a skunk went off right outside my window man 🙄😒😒😒😒😒😔 anywayzuh i don’t think i need to contribute to any of these conversations but#god knows i love to jump on anything to give my thoughts. so. we shallnt#abby talks#and well u know i’m sorry i think u have to know i’m on a fragile branch (my way of saying thin ice obnoxiously)#when it comes to any of these shows. let alone these circumstances. like u have to know i’m looking any going hmm… is this really just some#guy tho. bc like many such cases. it feels good to know it’s a lot of dykes but like when is the last time everyone flocked to a character#as such. i’m blanking. it certainly can’t be unprecendented.#what are u SAYING bro 🤣😎‼️😭#ok woah this is so terrible im hungry i dont want to go downstairs and make food come back up and have to go down and brush my teeth again#but i don’t think i have anything up hereeee… and either way it smells of a skunk fucking everywhereeee. i say from the place ive been#sitting the past 15 minutes. in my bed <3#i feel like i’m confessing my sins#but what i was getting at is there’s certainly something there. compels me#who said that president snow or smth
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well🙂
#*visibly trying not to burst into tears* hey guys whats up#surprise surprise another absence bc my life can’t stop getting WORSE evry day it seems haha!#so. now who’s gonna tell me how u deal w the loss of ur fave person n the one person u were 100% certain truly loved u no matter what#who also inspired u to be an artist in the first place n who's been there for u ur ENTIRE life#like idk how to start dealing w it lmao. one min ill be basically okay n then the next ill feel like smthing just tore a chunk out of me#looked outside just a sec ago n thought “oh so she'll never see my progress in art. oh ill never get to make another painting for her”#n yk part of me just wants to pretend like none of it happened honestly#like “hey that was a fucked up dream oh well let me call [x] n tell them I love them”#n I dont fucking KNOW how to deal w this grief n idk whats normal n what isnt#no I havent cried rlly but almost every day I feel like I cant breathe n tht my chest is collapsing in on itself#no I cant talk abt it but i can’t draw like I used to n thinking abt my last art project makes me wanna throw up#< considering it was going to be a present for her tht she'll never get to see. Haha so funny right guys#fuck I need to get so entirely drunk over this now RELAPSING TIME BABY!!#anyways. will try to be normal tm n talk to ppl again instead of isolating as a way to cope n sorry to ppl who have msg'd me Ill be back
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So I've FINALLY been consumed by BlurrBee but wanted to ask you something... How do you feel about ShockBlurrBee (the TFA one I mean)?
oh em gee hello it's been a hot minute since I've gotten an ask on this blog loll
Obviously I love Blurrbee, though I'm also a big fan of shockbee too. Sooooo. My thoughts on shockblurrbee...... Complicated actually!
At first I was like "mmmm I am not rlly a shock/blurr guy but. I can tolerate it with Bee buffer actually" but then I kinda fell off again bc I got super turned off by shock/blurr to an extreme degree </3
Now uhhhh . I think I can tolerate it again with the Bee buffer but I'm not super passionate about it. I think the tricky part is I see shockbee and blurrbee to be Very different timeline situations for them to respectively occur. Like idk, I often think Blurrbee ends up forming in a timeline where Bee closes off from Shockwave to heal alongside Blurr. While Shockbee I see it as Bee and Shockwave reconciling and that's how that conflict between them is settled. (Both situations I personally struggle to see blurr & shocks working things out. I struggle to vibe with them in general bc I see them not even having a particularly strong/"good" relationship before cubing anyhow)
BUT HEY that's just how I usually view these pairings and it's not canon at all. One can easily imagine a situation where they all grow close together, and I'll probably nod along with it and 👍. I'm not ur boss man be creative to ur heart's desires<33
#these days i also try not to let my grievances with fandom be my reasoning for disliking smth#even though i have . so . so many greivances with shock/blurr fandom. particularly in my frustrations for how blurr is portrayed#BUT WHATEVER . my main reason i dont rlly believe in shock/blurr is their relationship based on almanac entries by blurr#is blurr being frustrated with longarm as his boss and seeing him as foolish for his choice to assign him to earth#so i dont exactly get swayed by Oh blurr and shockwave had a tragic doomed toxic yaoi romance 💔✨....#i think they were just a boss and an employee lol. an employee that was judgemental of his boss even lmao#But thats not to say ive never liked shock/blurr content. i like my friend Loe's story with them#and honestly ive seen shockblurrbee that ive found cute too#THOUGH. ANOTHER TAKE. i think shockblurrbee works best as V formation poly.#in which the bee is the one with the relationship with the other 2 and not all of them together#but i dont hate when its all them together either thats fine#you'll never see me policing ppl for pairings that arent actually inherently problematic man.#like go nuts as long as its not like romanticizing abuse or whatevs#🐝 could you repeat the last part? 🟦#I'll have to check what my ask tag was again i forgot it#blurb asks
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little peek at somethjing i am cooking up ...
#this is rlly rough but rn im just blocking everything out#i have like 6.5 pages sketched so far this is already going faster than last time i think..^_^#im having a blast also#im tryna rewire my brain . every time i think Blehhh i hate drawing i just want to see it done i gotta stop n correct myself#like Hey wait you actually love drawing why are you telling yourself this The process is frustrating sometimes but that comes with art#i had to redraw this one page like 4 separate times and i still didn't feel like giving up#like yeah i was feeling pressed but at the same time i was being patient with myself#like this is part of improving Stop laying on the floor and wondering why you're even doin this you've always loved it#only drawing when u know it's gonna turn out good defeats the whole purpose of learning#also i added cal last minute to this comic and im gladi did he's so creeepy#im very excited to get this done Not impatient like i was before#im impatient for people to see it yeah lol but not w myself#and im not gonna be all like “yeah we'll see how long this lasts lol” bc i think that's already setting myself up for burning out#i have hope that i can keep enjoying art like this I just need to change the way i think#and accept the messy n ugly. the perfect is the enemy of the good#aaron blaise really inspires me. he sincerely loves what he does and i want to be like that#this is also gonna be more comic-like Panelwise i think#scott pilgrim n my bro inspired me#also the way cal's face cuts off on the right makes sense in context he's peekin from behind a chair
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I cannot fathom the level of self importance some people must have to behave this way
#it’s more so selfishness lmao#idk I’m getting unnecessarily worked up about this but 6 months ago I kinda vanished off of everywhere and then I noticed she deleted some#messages#girl I would’ve responded later calm down gosh the messages aren’t going anywhere nor are they disappearing#dora daily#I think of all people who should be mad you’re the last one because tell me why you were so viscerally rude to me since the beginning and#played a massive part of the roaa situation by being complacent when oh ! I thought you’d side with your alleged best friend ME#girl you have no right to complain at all not to mention you take FOREVER when you have no excuse to reply back but when I’m struggling I#apparently have zero excuse ☠️ girl bye#not to mention the fact that when I was so frustrated with myself having these bad headaches and being so incapable of doing anything when#exams were so close all you had to say was what can I do#well bitch what could I have done when you were at hospital#I guarantee you I was the only one texting you 24:7 asking how you were#reassuring you that it’s okay to feel upset about being in the fucking hospital and you don’t need to have such toxic positivity all the tim#oh but when the other girl had freaking back pain from her period or something apparently that’s more of a concern#girl bye#not me who has chronic headaches and cannot even study and nothing sticking cause it’s that bad#oh but go ahead compare it to your chronic illnesss like yes it’s horrible and yes it impacts you a lot#but I don’t think it impacts your brain and memorisation capacity#not to mention how fucking jealous she is of everything like I can say oh god I was so stressed and girl she has not felt stress in her life#compared to what I go through yet she is jealous of the fact I can stress ? tf?#and when I say I almost passed out cause of exhaustion she doesn’t give a shit when I was being so serious#in truth I’ve come to realise nobody does seem to care at all lmao they all think I’m lying#why would I lie about that be so fucking fr rn#anyways this is why I simply don’t want to talk about my physical condition with anyone anymore because they’ll think I’m a liar anyways 🤷♀#not to mention the fact if you even knew me a little you’d understand that it’s so impossibly hard for me to feel comfortable enough to#complain to talk about me feeling sick or sad or whatever I only do it here cause no one follows me and no one will rlly see it at all#but even here I feel like my throat closes up and I can barely breathe when I do complain#so pls …#this one sided friendship thing is crazy cause girl how do I shake you off?
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counted up alllll my tw fic and it's... 170k words 🙃 in 14 months 🙃 and im still not sick of these assholes. dude im gonna be here for a whileee. head in hands
#see. my fixations usually last four months or so and ill write like. maybe 3k worth of fic#so comparatively? this is obscene#owen pussy madness go brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr#like i am not exaggerating when i say madness HFJKDSF#and no none of it's posted yet. except the one fic. im having Shay Issues™#once i get on my ocd meds again its ovahhhh#bro but what if writing tw fic is a compulsion FHDSFJKD#(im not trivializing btw im dx'd w the shit n it makes my life hell. issa joke 🙄)#what if i. u kno tht meme thts like sorry i stopped posting i started taking a mood stabilizers n im not obsessed w bts anymore#what if that happens to me O.o#sorry i dont talk abt the torchwood twink's coochie anymore i started taking fluvoxamine and now im in law school#u kno whats the best part of a rlly rlly intense fixation is when its over n u look back and ur like what in god's name was that shit#it's like post nut clarity ur just horrified. ur like who was i. who was this beast. touches ground what happened here#fhdsk nah i talk shit but im havin fun i am. mostly. mental shit sucks but i love these characters n i love playing w them#i might be here a while like i rlly truly cannot believe im still stimulated. crazy. is this maturation. fuck knows#txt#sss
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ughhhhhhhhhhh why am i so prone to complaining
#seeing a youtuber i like making a redesign of hazbin hotel!#shes nice and shes just giving her opinions on the designs but although i wanna see what she has to say and how she'll do them#im getting rlly mad#rlly and unnecessarily mad#i want to see the vid and i will but ill just let this here coz i cant shut up#rambles#i see what shes saying about charlie's design#the princess and the hellish part dont pop up at all against the concierge motif#i will say that#edit: she does have a point. i like charlies design in the show better but shes got valid points. also vaggie IS a bit shallow.#i love vaggie but#she needs more development#i mean. i also see WHY: vaggie was an exorcist and if she was like. born in heaven instead of a winner as some theories say#then her only purpose of existence was to serve heaven and adam. we see she still has these issues like in episode three when she feels lik#she failed charlie she is very upset and we see her saying that if she doesn't help charlie she has no worth#or smth to that effect#but she does need more development i feel#hazbin hotel#edit 2: the body type thing is VERY true i love viv's work but she does need to work on her problem with super thin characters#vaggie's redesign is looking good. she looks more knight-y which fits but i think it went a little too far#if it was in the show it would be way less subtle and we wouldn't have that chocking reveal with her past as we did. but it looks very nice#im liking the vaggie redesign better than charlie's#edit 2.5: ok im calmed down im not mad anymore#i just disagree with some specific points#edit 3: YES. vaggie's moth motif IS not rlly showing lavender im happy you went more far with that.#i'm really liking vaggie's redesign thank you#edit 4: ok she IS critizing all the red (and more things surrounging it which she makes good points in)#but i don't really see a problem with the red. it's fine to me. weird#um she didn't do angel. what a shame#last one: alastor design criticism i agree alastor's design is SHIT
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I keep listening to different pieces of music that I love and then my brain comes in all helpful with 'this sounds like great music to die with doesn't it'
#tw suicide#im just. so tired#and i know that right now part of it is im sick (not covid tho) but still.#and it's like im grieving the lost friendship all over again and what might have been#i am the best version of myself when im with the boy. but now no wonder he is avoiding me. and i don't blame him! but for some reason it's#hitting rlly hard again atm and it's just. Im Sad.#i really don't know why that's so prevalent in my mind right now#and it's rlly not safe for me to drive long distances alone i think. i find driving v stressful#and any guesses what *that* leads to#tw sh#the answer was: a frightening amount.#and then there are things i don't understand#my brother begged me to destroy the suicide note i wrote yesterday#and i don't know why. because it's very unlikely to be something that i would stop to do tbh. so what there is would at least explain#*something* perhaps. i don't know#i have spent more than half of my waking hours in the last week seriously thinking of suicide. i don't know how to stop this#and given that i've read two books in full and gone to a play i enjoyed that says something about what hte rest of the time has been filled#with. i don't know how to get out of this. in some ways i feel like it's worse now than it was bc i expected it to get better when mum and#dad got back. if anything it's worse - more constant.#the lows are not quite as low but the baseline is definitely lower#i am just feeling very hopeless rn#yesterday i was driving and reciting psalm 23 and i was so overcome with emotion and i repeated it multiple times and that helped somewhat#but only in the moment ig. i don't know. i don't know how to fix this or even improve it#if im still feeling like this on monday i am so going to walk over the road and straight-up ask to borrow a kitten overnight.#and hope the kitten doesn't decide to go near all the cuts :(#a part of me is genuinely wondering if i should check myself into a psych ward. the other parts of me say either that this isn't bad enough#for that or thta i am simply too scared to. which is true. nasty stuff in psych wards for obvious reasons#anyway i need prayers thankyou
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-_-
#11 days to the leaving and only now am i drawing up what all i need to study#chronologically it makes sense to leave latin n music to the last bcos i have like a whole week after history to study for just them#and before that all of my exams are basically in the same week with allowance for the weekend#so i should focus on eng n maths particularly#n then bio and irish and history#but like. my history latin n music teachers r the only ones assigning work. for the exams i have the most time for. lol#like i can ignore the history n music teachers for the most part but like my classes w my latin teacher r one on one i CANNOT brush that of#so im here studying me fucking virgil ig instead of figuring out what im doing w the comparative#sigh. ok priorities ill make up that list of shit i gotta do for each subject#gotta suss out which movie im watching for eng and what poems n stories im studying for irish n what modules im doing for history! lol!#can u tell ive not been paying attention for like. 4 months.#remember kids: cramming is a cool and fun thing to do <- is in a pit#when the leaving cert ends i am going into my room never to be seen again for like a week.#and im getting me mam to buy me something for it. maybe a binder if i come out to her by then#oh well thats future talk. for now. figure out what to study. as ive already said twice#im playinh kh bgm to indulge in the hyperfocus while still getting study done n its kinda working#but mostly i just wanna play kh again...#i havent wrapped up the hades cup n i wanna restart com bcos i think i might know how it works better now#watched a one card deck challenge for recom and its the remake so some shits different but like. i get it now maybe#if nothing else gba com looks rlly rlly cute. the pixel art <£
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hmmm. oh my god my mind is a mess i rlly can't write what i want to rn but i will just Dump
#🌙.vents#YEAH HONESTLY OKAY one reason why fiction comforts me so much is. it teach me so much n let me live through so much more#these characters i. relating to them n seeing parts of myself in them is just. yk rlly comforting bcs i'm. very not social irl.#i get anxious. n typically i find that.. most ppl in like my class or my school or wtvr. yk everyone is interesting n has depth but#i find them. a bit too simple for me. ah.. yeah uhm. sorry remove the 'a bit' it's. by far. so.#hermes rlly. to me bcs he's like. different. felt alone for it. but.. he's intelligent he's valued n. theres a lot of ways to look at it bu#yh then he stands up n does smth for himself for once n he makes mistakes n then after that he sort of just gives up on that part of himsel#'internalizes the lies' THAT PART HURT SO MUCH OKAY. but.. yk fitting in n being 'normal' or wtvr gives a lot of ppl more comfort#but for me it hurts yes but i'd much rather face life for what it is. who i am who i really am. fuck if it's lonely for me#smth from the 1975 w matty on religion? sorry as well i'm.. really not religious. i respect it but please. i'm really not religious.#it would.. be easier yeah if we did believe in some divine being right? believing that there is salvation. that. there's.. yeah#i really just can't bring myself to believe in that. on religion i rmb rn even when i was younger like in lower school even i rlly thought#abt logic behind it. i questioned n wondered why people believed in religion. i really as. very curious abt stuff n life n all that#n growing up i've never really let the outside world influence me too much. no i pride myself in really staying true to myself.#so last year hurt sm bcs i really felt like i was restraining myself too much. i can't exactly pinpoint it rn okay i'm emotional rn but#i rlly felt like my freedom to be myself was stuck somewhere. n then stuff n 'talking too much' so tumblr became yh for me bcs#i don't want to isolate myself but i just.. can't do some things bcs of anxiety? or wtvr there's a lot n then there's also. uh#i still do crave vulnerability n belonging but how do i say this#it's really important to me that. i realize i open up more to ppl that also are able to open up as well. ppl who are like me.#like apollo n online friends n i love my irls too n i hate this bcs yh fine maybe i'm a bit of a ppl pleaser but it's more in a way that#i don't want to be misunderstood. i don't want to hurt anyone. so irl i generally tend to.. hide or restrain myself#take note of 'generally'. but i won't touch on that right now. i think i've been misunderstood before so that's why im sensitive to this#bcs. still having that love n care can coexist with still knowing myself n what works better for me bcs it's so crazy actually how w#several ppl i met last year esp the ones i only know online i cld open up to them more easily bcs they Too can do that n it just#feels so lonely irl i'm just dumping rn it's like nearly 1 am n i'll probably delete this tmrrw bcs i think i'm a bit frustrated right now#not that it's anyone's fault. i'm just. confused right now w myself but i don't mean anything bad by all this okay#i want to just. write. a fictional story rn to calm myself. doing things for myself surely isn't selfish. being myself isn't selfish right?#i can be kind to myself right now too. like other times before. so i will be kind. yes i will be.#there's sm in my head i rlly wish i cld write them all but such is the limit of being human. not too bad tho bcs i have stuff to do#i'll get that done rq n then i'll let myself rest though. until i sleep i'll let myself be at peace n rest c:
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a little advice before the year ends/begins
don't worry about what you did in the past (or more precisely what you didn't do). don't think about how trying harder would've changed the outcome.
sincerely, someone that tried really fucking hard and still ended up in the same place
#like reflecting and yeah#i remember feeling so defeated about the internship that i got accepted into and didn't get to do#but now im thinking about the volunteer programs i applied to that were part of the field i wanted to pursue and basically ghosted me ...#(technically theres still one other place i can contact and ill try in 2025)#i also didn't apply for a masters bc i was too traumatized from my undergrad and i wanted to have a moment in my life that wasn't defined by#academia#also got scared to follow the field bc again i think its rlly complicated to get a job there#but honestly thats every field :/#so like... decided not to study and got unemployed anyway#idk sometimes i feel like i try my hardest and still don't get the things i tried to get#so don't feel bad if you look back and you think you could've done better#it wouldn't have changed things#on a brighter note who knows what 2025 will being#will i apply for the store where i saw a cute worker and get into a messy work relationship (ooc)#will i apply for the masters#will i finally accept that i just want to be a baker and manage to get a job doing that#last one is defined by me seeing two ads one for office job other for baker snd getting much more joy when applying for the baker job#don't get me wrong i know its a job that takes a lot from you but yeah i genuinely don't know what i want to do at this point#bc last year i felt so motivated by the idea of the specific field i wanted to follow and then i got a bunch of nos and then i was a#afraid and gave up soooo#now onto my resolution of over sharing less on tumblr™
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had the worst ocd day yesterday bc brain kept telling me if i actually let myself have goals or wish for something good then everything i already have will fall apart or be taken away even though i logically understand that isnt possible lmfao! and then i woke up sick this morning cant have SHIT in detroit bro
#bf was rlly sweet abt it he just gets frustrated bc he wants to help and give advice but im Too Self Aware and just need him to sit w me#he wants to fix it and he cant and ik that makes him feel bad bc he doesnt like seeing me go Trauma Mode and its not actually directed at me#its just that im so self aware that i already know what i need to do n it just feels like a lecture or a warning not to disappoint instead#like oh i know what i need to do im just Literally Paralyzed in Fear and scared everyone will leave me behind while i figure shit out!#like i dont believe in jinxing or that kind of higher power but SOME part of me does and cant accept that bad shit just happens sometimes#like no no see if i let myself admit that i maybe do want a life and a future and to marry the loml then it will all go away! bc reasons!#<- guy who had their identity stolen when they were already at rock bottom and couldnt cope w it so they developed magical thinking ocd???#like. if it can all be taken away when im at my lowest for no reason idk how id function if it happened when i actually HAVE SMTH TO LOSE#its the fact that it was for no reason. i didnt do anything wrong and yet everything still went to shit. why tempt fate by shooting too high#and i mean fuck i spent the last 10 years mentally preparing to be a poor laborer and self sufficient bc no ones coming to save me and now.#suddenly my bfs family is also my family and they have. money. money that id never even allowed myself to DREAM of having or wanting#and suddenly im sitting in a fancy house in front of a christmas movie lookin ass tree feeling like im living someone elses life bc i didnt#i didnt plan for this. i didnt think id ever have this option at all#like dgmw i am VERY grateful but im. having a hard time w imposter syndrome#shut up carter
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