#like i dont believe in jinxing or that kind of higher power but SOME part of me does and cant accept that bad shit just happens sometimes
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
blvckleg ยท 15 hours ago
Text
had the worst ocd day yesterday bc brain kept telling me if i actually let myself have goals or wish for something good then everything i already have will fall apart or be taken away even though i logically understand that isnt possible lmfao! and then i woke up sick this morning cant have SHIT in detroit bro
#bf was rlly sweet abt it he just gets frustrated bc he wants to help and give advice but im Too Self Aware and just need him to sit w me#he wants to fix it and he cant and ik that makes him feel bad bc he doesnt like seeing me go Trauma Mode and its not actually directed at me#its just that im so self aware that i already know what i need to do n it just feels like a lecture or a warning not to disappoint instead#like oh i know what i need to do im just Literally Paralyzed in Fear and scared everyone will leave me behind while i figure shit out!#like i dont believe in jinxing or that kind of higher power but SOME part of me does and cant accept that bad shit just happens sometimes#like no no see if i let myself admit that i maybe do want a life and a future and to marry the loml then it will all go away! bc reasons!#<- guy who had their identity stolen when they were already at rock bottom and couldnt cope w it so they developed magical thinking ocd???#like. if it can all be taken away when im at my lowest for no reason idk how id function if it happened when i actually HAVE SMTH TO LOSE#its the fact that it was for no reason. i didnt do anything wrong and yet everything still went to shit. why tempt fate by shooting too high#and i mean fuck i spent the last 10 years mentally preparing to be a poor laborer and self sufficient bc no ones coming to save me and now.#suddenly my bfs family is also my family and they have. money. money that id never even allowed myself to DREAM of having or wanting#and suddenly im sitting in a fancy house in front of a christmas movie lookin ass tree feeling like im living someone elses life bc i didnt#i didnt plan for this. i didnt think id ever have this option at all#like dgmw i am VERY grateful but im. having a hard time w imposter syndrome#shut up carter
0 notes