#and that just in hearing me talk she can tell how thoughtful / introspective / whatever i am abt it and that her approach is to balance the

[pepprs]

hi update as of an hour ago i have a THERAPIST!!! an actual licensed therapist!!!! we have our first session on monday 😭💗

[yaseraphim]

RANT ABOUT THERAPY AND WHY IT'S NOT MY CUP OF TEA 🤡

+ trying to guess the therapist's rising and our synastry and ranting about it cause I am tired man (and too sensitive lol)

Really messy post btw just a disclaimer lol

(Update 23/11/24 : I might have slightly overreacted 🤡😀😁 lol plus maybe the therapist was actually a Taurus rising lol idk man I am confused as fuck about everything bye 😝🤪🫡)

Just had my first therapist appointment since 2021 and what can I say....it was REALLY awkward. I don't know how people are able to spill their deepest traumas like that bro she just sat down and told me to talk 💀 like what I thought she would interview me or start the first appointment with pre-made questions to make a profile, regarding my background, family relationships,etc .. It was really messy and I was so confused throughout the whole thing.

I understand it's a privilege to afford therapy (it was 60euros for 45 minutes lol of course it is) but it is much more complex than just spilling your guts to a random with a degree.

Something about me is that I always thought i didn't really need therapy, no matter how painful a situation was for me. And it wasn't only therapy, it was also opening up to my own friends 💀 i could take care of myself like i always did anyways so whats the point of paying for it ? I understood people who needed it and felt helped by it. But it just wasn't for me. I have realizations on my own consistantly thanks to my self-awareness and trained and developped intuition.

What pushed me to go back to therapy even though i was , and still am, very skeptical in its effectiveness on me, is that this year, I realized asking for help won't actually kill me and that i have my limits as a human being.

I fear this appointment just unfortunately kind of validated my initial more negative feelings towards therapy and the idea that I don't really need it.

As a really introspective and painfully self-aware person who has a hard time asking for help (but is actively working on it), I really don't know what kind of therapy could help me, really. I know I probably have a few blind spots, but it's so out of my comfort zone to open up like that. I kind of hate it.

I want to keep an open mind, and probably try another therapist but damn if I don't f*ck with any, it just feels forced .. I trust divine timing for that because I don't really want to put myself in such a situation again.

Right now, I feel dirty knowing a random woman knows about my deepest traumas in a really messy and all over the place way. She has fragments of my soul, and despite me having somewhat giving my consent for it, it was too fast. Maybe it's my 8th house moon conjunct Lilith (1181) in Leo that is speaking but I feel literally violated. Strong words but this how uncomfortable it was for me.

Guessing the therapist's rising sign and ranting about 12th house synastry...

Random but I think the therapist in question had a Virgo or Leo rising... I already said it's the most common rising signs (especially virgo) and I am losing patience. We probably had a 12th house synastry that's why our exchange was really weird and scattered. She kept on making weird faces while I was talking telling me she didn't understand what I was trying to say.... I know it all too well because EVERY single person I knew or had interacted with that had a leo rising, my interactions with them were like this. I was saying stuff and it felt like it went in one ear and got out in the other. Like they could hear me but not listen and understand what i was trying to say. This kind of reminds me of Willy Wonka's relationship with Mike TV or wth his name is, in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Tim Burton's movie. Wonka always said stuff to him whenever he opened his mouth like "I cannot hear a single thing you say because you're speaking gibberish"or whatever. (Me being Mike TV and Leo risings being Willy Wonka).

This is how every single one of my interactions with Leo risings went, no matter their gender or age. It was always like that.

[hellwurld]

do u guys ever think about how the partners of those on the qsmp are gods and/or godesses in the lore. unrelated did u know that tommyinnit and tubbo underscore are legally married. just thought that was interesting.

Tubbo is, admittedly, not the best person. 

He’s kind of a bit of a dick. He’s reckless, doesn’t have much regard for his own personal safety, let alone others, and he can be callous and rude and prickly and blunt. He’s not afraid to push buttons, literally or metaphorically, and he can be... explosive. Destructive, even. To say the least.

On further introspection, Tubbo realizes that he’s actually a lot more than a bit of a dick. 

He doesn’t deserve this though. Probably.

Tubbo can’t remember much, but he’s almost entirely sure that he’s done nothing to deserve this. Literally no crime ever committed, ever, is worth this punishment.

“I hate you,” Tubbo sighs, for the ninetieth time in the past four minutes, “I hate you so much.” He pulls off his jacket, slipping his arms out of the sleeves and tossing the jacket in the general direction of the prick that can’t quite leave him alone. Tommy recoils at the jacket thrown across his face suddently, letting out a —incredibly cathartic for Tubbo— squak of surprise. Tubbo stomps away, leaving Tommy to reel away in his overblown, exaggerated horror at Tubbo’s dastardly actions, or whatever.

“This is, quite literally, very homophobic of you, Toby,” Tommy says, all faux-shock and concern, like Tubbo will believe him for a second. “Truly just so homophobic, I’m writing a twitlonger as we speak because Jesus, Toby—”

“You’re not even gay!” Tubbo bites out, left eye twitching. He stomps away, leaviTommy gasps at this, and Tubbo reminds himself that wringing his neck is not an option, despite it looking more and more appealing by the second.

“Oh, and how do you know that?” Tommy argues, walking right on Tubbo’s heels, “You really can’t base things on stereotypes, Toby, it’s incredibly offensive, you know? Just because I look straight and sound straight and act straight and— Oh, hi Em— say I’m straight doesn’t mean I am. What about me is straight to you?”

“Well, maybe the girlfriend, if I had to hazard a guess,” Tubbo says sarcastically, “Although I suppose that’s not relevant right now?”

He’s joking, obviously, because it’s very relevant.

“Oh Toby— Toby, Toby, Toby. Sweet, young Toby,” Tommy starts, and Tubbo knows he is not planning on stopping, “Of course, that’s not relevant. I’m talking about our marriage!”

“We’re not married,” Tubbo says, for the one-hundred ninetieth time in the last five minutes. 

“Oh, ho-ho, but we are!” Tommy says, and Tubbo weighs the pros and cons of killing himself rapidly and graphically by throwing himself out of the nearest possible window. The pros are not currently outweighing the cons, but with how this conversation is going, they probably will soon.

“Sign the fucking divorce papers, Tommy,” Tubbo sighs, a little angry about how long this has been going on for, but mostly tired and resigned. And angry, because Tommy’s neck is looking so, so wringable right now, but mostly tired.

Tommy just laughs, and disappears in that frustrating, echoey way they all do. Em’s never far behind him, but Tubbo dispairingly turns to her at the kitchen counter anyway, for his own comfort. To her credit, she does offer him a smile, but at best it’s pitying, and at worst it’s amused. Tubbo thinks it might be both.

“I’d say I’m sorry, but I think we both know it’s going to take more than that to get him to sign those papers,” Em says, and Tubbo groans.

“Why don’t you tell him?” Tubbo asks, desperate, but knowing the answer anyway.

“Because this way, it’s—”

“One thousand times funnier,” Tubbo finishes for her. He lacks the energy to even attempt to mock Tommy’s tone, but Tubbo hears his voice ringing in his head anyway. Em laughs, and then she disappears too. Tubbo squints at the place where they both were, like if he stares for long enough they will both reappear as reasonable, normal, willing-to-sign-the-divorce-papers sort of people. They don’t, because God hates Tubbo, and the world hates Tubbo, and the universe hates Tubbo.

The only thing that the universe did right was make sure that Tommy didn’t have the foresight to make him sign a prenup. At least Tubbo can get Tommy’s money when he finally signs the divorce papers.

If he ever signs the divorce papers.

Tubbo slams his head against the wall again.

-

Tubbo_: never get married

pactw: ?

Tubbo_: dont do it pac

pactw: ???????

[illfoandillfie]

Hi, I'm so glad you are doing the advent calendar again!

I think someone (or maybe it was me 😅) requested this before but I would love a little blurb related to ADKOE but from Roger's point of view, could be something of a continuation of where the story is now, or one of the previous scenes from his perspective, or even a bit of a introspective moment of reflection when 'y/n' is not there.

Of course no worries if this is not something you would be interested in writing, I'm so looking forward to whatever you post 😊

Thank you! 💕

Blurb Advent 2023: Day 25

ahhh amazing, I was hoping someone would ask for this again lmao, it was the push I needed to actually finish it!

It's set in during the munch chapter. Mostly fluffy with maybe a little angst just from some of the thoughts he's having. It was a lot of fun figuring out and writing so I'd defs be open to doing more of these in the future! Also, it's officially Christmas Day for me here so for those who celebrate, merry christmas! I hope this is a decent sort of present lmao.

Warnings: Modern AU, smut, professor x student, slowburn romance, dom/sub dynamics and discussion of them, munch, conversations about bdsm/kink, body painting, mentions of Dylan, a mention of sexual abuse/rape but nothing graphic and only in a theoretical way.

Roger had been a little reluctant to leave you on your own, but you’d seemed to be doing alright talking to Daisy and Jo and he knew he couldn’t hover around you all day. So he asked Mike to join him in the kitchen, a little curious to see what the other man had made of you so far. And he didn’t have to wait long to find out.   “Well Y/N is just as lovely as you said. Bit shy but that’s understandable.” Mike said as he watched Roger crack eggs into the brownie mix, “How’s it going with her?”  “In one word, surprising.”  “Oh?”  Roger decided how best to elaborate as he mixed the batter, “I don’t want to go into too much detail-”  “Right, cause you’ve never been the sort to kiss and tell,” Mike laughed.  Roger laughed too but shook his head, “No it’s going well I think. She’s still learning, but she’s getting there. Like we played around with some dirty talk recently. Partly just cause, y’know, it’s hot, but also because you’re right, she can be a bit shy. And I’m trying to get her to feel less self-conscious when vocalising what she wants. She was hesitant at first but once she got into it some of what she came out with was...” It was impossible to explain so Roger opted to just gesture emphatically with his hands.  Mike just laughed, “That certainly does sound like fun.”  “Oh, it was.” Roger swallowed thickly as he remembered how you’d sounded admitting that you think about him. He hoped Mike wouldn’t ask too many questions because even just thinking about it now was making his cock twitch and he didn’t want to be too distracted during the munch. But it was hard when he kept hearing your whiney confessions replaying in his mind. When you’d confessed to masturbating more often than ever before. When you’d admitted that he, Roger, made you feel better than anyone else had. If he said any of that out loud Mike would assume it was just the ego boost, which he supposed was fair. He’d have thought so too if someone had told him. Heck, he’d been with women where the ego boost was nearly all he was running on. But not with you. The way you’d said it all, how hesitant you’d been to start, how you’d blushed afterwards. It wasn’t a performance with you. You meant it when you’d said it. And that’s what was turning Roger on. 

But thankfully all Mike said was, “I’m glad it’s going well. She seems like a sweet kid.”  “Yeah,” Roger chuckled, “Mostly.”  “What’d you mean?”  “Look, she is a lot of things – dedicated, intelligent, curious – but she’s also very....” he paused as he tried to find the right word, “You ever have a sub that just wants to rush into everything?”  Mike nodded sympathetically.  “She wants to know it all now, not later. And she’s always questioning the importance of what I’m trying to teach her.”  “Yeah I’ve known one or two subs like that. They think they know best even though they know nothing.”  “Yeah, exactly. I mean, we’ve had arguments about it. I try explaining why I’ve picked what I’ve picked to teach her and usually I get her to accept it even if she disagrees but last week she just wouldn’t let it go. So I got pissed off, probably snapped at her more than she deserved and basically told her it was my way or the highway.”  “I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much, everyone has moments like that.”  “Yeah but that’s not really how I want this thing with her to be. I’d just been saying it was okay if she wanted to say no to learning something or to alter kinks to suit her better, and then I turn around and tell her to suck it up and do what I say or else. That’s not the lesson I want her to learn from all this.”  “Rog I think you’re being a little harsh on yourself. I’m sure she understands the difference.” 

“I know, you’re probably right. I just....She approached me to teach her so she could impress this other guy and he is...” Roger paused again but only so he could take a steadying breath and unclench his hand from his wooden spoon, “I don’t know him, but he sounds like a real piece of work. But she is determined to have him. I just want to make sure she’s prepared and knows enough to protect herself because I worry what could happen to her.”  “You sure you’re not jealous?” Mike asked with a raised eyebrow and a joking grin, “I saw how you were watching her before.”  “I was making sure she wasn’t too overwhelmed by everything.”  “Mmhmm sure.”  “Oh shut up, it’s not jealousy. No, this guy is into some really hard stuff – CNC, free use, somnophilia. She told me he’s even joked about pimping her out to his friends. I’m genuinely worried that if she goes back to him he’ll drug and rape her and she’ll think it’s kink. I need to make sure she understands the difference.”  The smile had fallen from Mike’s face as he took Roger’s concern in, “Fuck, really?”  Roger nodded, “I’m so conscious that there’s a time limit.”  The was a pause as Mike considered what to say, “You’re a good dom Rog. You know your stuff, and I’m sure you’ll be able to teach her how to recognise danger signs, even if she gets stubborn about it first. I mean, you say something enough times it has to sink in eventually. And if she’s as smart as you say she is then she will work it out. Plus, now she’ll have more people she can go to for help if she needs it. Tina will’ve taken one look at the kid and got very mother hen about her, and you know Jo and Daisy’ll look out for her too.”  “Yeah,” Roger sighed, some of the anxiety that had started to build at the thought of Dylan easing off. He pulled a smile onto his face and changed the topic, hoping he had enough time. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

When he came back into the main room, Roger immediately looked for you, even as he was laughing at Mike’s stupid joke. Seeing you sitting with the other women was a relief. It was like Mike had said it would be, they’d all taken a shine to you and he could already see that he’d be constantly fielding questions about you from all of them. But then you looked up, and there was something in your expression that made his eyebrows furrow. He forced himself to look away as he announced dessert.  “Ooo brownie? Yes please,” Daisy sounded so excited by the prospect Roger couldn’t help but laugh.  “It’s just a packet mix, don’t get too excited.”   But Daisy hurried towards the patio all the same, closely followed by Jo and then Tina who grabbed Mike as she went, perhaps sensing Roger’s desire for a private word.   It was hard for Roger not to be concerned when you rose slower than the others and reached him after they’d all disappeared. He felt as if you’d have walked right past him if he’d not caught your arm. You seemed almost surprised to see him.  “Hey, how are you going? He asked softly, hoping he sounded normal, “Not too overwhelmed? I know they can be kind of loud but-” 

You moved quicker than Roger was prepared for and he staggered back a little as your lips met his, but nothing was as surprising as how purposeful the kiss felt. Your lips pressed hard to his, your arms wrapping around his neck and without thinking Roger tugged you in close, not sure what had brought on the sudden display of affection but not wanting to interrupt it either. He liked kissing you and it felt too nice to question it much. Thankfully you seemed to want the kiss to continue as much as he did, though that did mean the end of it was just as unexpected as the start.   “What - uh – what was that for?” Roger asked, trying to blink some sense back into his brain.  “For looking after me.”  It took a moment longer than it might have before you’d kissed him, but eventually the pieces all fell into place and he nodded his realisation, “I take it you heard about Daisy’s ex then?”  “Yeah, and some other stuff.”  Before Roger could even begin to wonder what the other stuff could be or to reassure at all, you continued.   “Sorry I’ve been so stubborn about things. I made it harder for you. But I think I understand now.”  “Understand what?”  “About why it’s not all about what Dylan wants.”   That was the last thing Roger had expected to hear and for a moment he considered whether you might have overheard his conversation with Mike. But he couldn’t deny that he was pleased with your admission, and he found himself smiling as he took you in again, “You have no idea how happy I am to hear that. Do you want to talk about it later, after everyone goes?”  “Maybe.” 

He reached for your hand but thought better of it, switching instead to rubbing your arm in what he hoped was a comforting way. The last thing he wanted was to make you feel pushed into talking before you were ready and yet he was dying to know more. He wanted to send everyone else home right then so he could ask you about what made you understand. He wanted to kiss you again, kiss you a lot, too, just to show you how glad he was. And he wanted to tell you what hadn’t felt right to say the previous week. That he thinks about you too, much more often than he should. That he worries for you and wants to keep you safe. But it would have killed the mood during the last session, and it felt like too much to admit now. Too big of a conversation for right then. And besides, he’s not even sure how to say any of it properly. Mike had assumed jealousy and he doesn’t want you to think the same thing. So instead all he said was, “C’mon, you look like you need some sugar, let’s go eat dessert,” as he gently lead you outside.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

But he did get his chance later. Once again, you’ve surprised him. In a good way, of course. For someone who was so against sensory play to start you’d sure taken to it like a duck to water. He would have felt terrible if you’d found it boring or uninspiring. But instead he got to enjoy a fairly relaxed evening with you. And relaxing was what he needed after how tense he’d been throughout the munch. You needed it too, he decided. Not just because of how draining it was to meet new people and come to world shattering realisations, but also because he’d asked a lot of you over the past few weeks. You’d tried so many new things and been pulled out of your comfort zones. It felt right to offer you an intimate experience that was less intense than what you might have been expecting. He let you just enjoy the sensations and quietly process the day as he prattled on with all the stuff he’d planned for his lesson. And each time you squirmed or giggled when he painted somewhere ticklish, he felt especially pleased. Although, not quite as pleased as he felt when you asked if you could paint him. That was a good sign if ever he’d seen one. Not just that you were enjoying the moment, getting out of your head, but also that you could be interested in taking more control. Of course, wanting to paint on him was not the same as wanting to be dominant in a more explicitly kinky scene, but it was a step in that direction. He watched you closely as you painted his shoulder, wondering if he could ever interest you in testing the waters further. He could feel himself getting harder at the idea of you domming him and tried to focus on what he had to tell you about different paints. It was hard though when you were so close. He could feel your breath as you leaned in, focusing on getting the shape right, and you were so close. You’d been closer, of course, but not like this. It made him shiver as he supressed the urge to pull you into a kiss. And then you leaned back and he mentioned Margo and suddenly things had dissolved into something much sillier. He was nearly breathless from laughing but seeing his finger prints on your arse made him giggle again and something about it pleased him greatly. But then he looked down and saw his cock covered in blue, the paint more evenly distributed where your palm had been, thinner under your fingers. He swallowed hard when he realised he could see your fingerprints in the paint. 

After that things quieted down again. He liked watching you while you painted him, content not to say too much. There was nothing more he had to teach about sensation play, he’d given you all the important information. You were quiet too which was understandable. There was a lot to process from the munch and he supposed dwelling on it while mindlessly painting was as good a time as any. He was just glad to be with you, playing with paint, able to make sure you were okay. And then suddenly, apropos of nothing, you asked how he’d gotten into BDSM. It was a surprise but Roger was happy to answer and he liked that you’d asked the others too, that you’d been seeking out other perspectives. Without meaning to he started telling you about his father. It wasn’t something he’d intended to share, it wasn’t something he really talked about ever. But he wanted you to understand what an affect it had had on his approach to doming, especially now you seemed to have grasped what he’d been trying to teach you about submission and power.    “The line between kink and straight out violence can become very thin at times and there are a lot of people who don’t understand the difference, and some who do but ignore it anyway.” He wanted to tell you that maybe Dylan was one of those people, hopefully the first group more than the second. He wanted to let you know that thinking about what Dylan could do to you, what he fears he would do to you if given the chance, makes him more anxious and worried than anything else. But he didn't want to scare you. And he didn’t want you to think he’d overreacting because he doesn’t actually know Dylan at all. It’s all just assumptions based on what you’ve said. So he keeps that bit to himself, hoping that telling you what he has is enough to keep you mindful about who you engage in kink with.  

Quiet falls again but it’s comfortable, despite the heavy topic. Roger could say more but he gives you time to think about it, absorb it all. So it’s not until he takes the brush back that he asks his own question.   “Did you mean what you said in front of the mirror?”  It had just slipped out. He was going to ask what else you’d discussed at the munch, if there was anything else you wanted his perspective on. But the mirror scene was never far from the top of his thoughts at the moment and it had pushed through just as he opened his mouth.   You were clearly embarrassed to talk about it and Roger tried not to focus on how cute you were when he flustered you. He can feel your warmth when he rubs your thigh, trying to comfort you a little. He gets why you’re uncomfortable. He’s your professor, you’re his student. You’re not meant to think of each other in these ways. But he does. You’re bewitching, how could he not? And he thinks maybe if you know those thoughts you’ve been having are mutual, you won’t have as much reason to be embarrassed by them. So he admits the thing he’s not supposed to.   “I think about you too.”  This time you’re the one who looks surprised and Roger can’t help but feel a little pleased that he’s got you back, just a little, for how frequently you’ve surprised him of late. He wants to say more – that he doesn’t just think of you, that he dreams of you. That after you leave he’ll spend the next night replaying the sex in his mind, jerking off thinking about you. That he spends longer than he should planning your lessons, longer than he spends on his real lessons sometimes. He always gets caught up imagining how you’ll react to things, how you’ll respond, hoping you’ll enjoy what he plans to do to you. He wants you to know that he loves teaching you this stuff, loves how you approach everything with curiosity. Loves....your enthusiasm. But he can’t admit that. You’ve already had to absorb so much today and it’s been such a nice evening. He doesn’t want to overwhelm you. So he asks you more, just to keep himself from saying too much.  

[onedreamaday]

Once again, this is all @im-pure's fault, based on this post. They enable my angsty side so much.

They are the worst enabler /jk

I had this song on repeat while writing.

Can be seen as a follow-up to this, which takes place a few months later.

This was supposed to be an introspective kind of fic, but Liz sorta bullied her way into being here. Then it turned into Bax and Liz being catty in-laws. (but not really, they just mostly snark at each other- it's out of love)

TW 's apply here: character death and mentions of depression/depressive episodes. Remarks of implied alcoholism (Liz accuses, Baxter denies, but nothing is confirmed.)

Sidenote: Liiy didn't bother changing her last name when she and Bax married. One, she kinda doesn't see the point in changing her last name. Two, she found out how much of a hassle it was to do if she did change it and wanted nothing to do with that paperwork.

Elizabeth Last, Baxter is starting to truly realize, is an unstoppable force of nature when she wants to be. Case in point, she has apparently made it her life's mission to show up unannounced whenever she's in town.

Since she doing some type of job near Prima Vista, that means he's been seeing her a distressing amount.

Liz does, at least, knock first before she opens the door, using a key Lily gave her years ago. The light spills into the room and it's do bright, Baxter involuntarily lets out a curse. It's way too early for her presence. He checks the time on his phone, which reads 10:54 am.

There's the smell of food and even better, coffee. A peace offering, then. He'll take it. And mentally prepares of whatever uncomfortable topic she feels she needs to talk to him about.

He groans inwardly. Lily, he imagines, would find all of his hilarious. She was always far more patient with her sister's antics than he could ever be.

“Really? All you've been doing is drinking?”

Ah, an old topic it is then.

Baxter rubs eyes and sighs. “I didn't drink that much,” he says.

Liz hums. “That bottle of whiskey is suspiciously empty.” The tone is light, but the accusation heavy. It sets Baxter on edge.

“It was over the course of a few days,” he replies bitingly. “After work, and never excessively.”

“Oh great, you're back working. I was worried you'd be living on the couch, growing mold.” Liz places the food on the table. A veggie omelet with toast. Simple but decent.

“Unfortunately, my rent and bills don't care if my wife is gone and my depression refuses to go away.” He surprises himself with how flippant he can say that, and going by the look on his sister-in-law's face, perhaps she has the same thought.

There’s silence as he eats, and he notices Liz's eyes keep drifting to a stack of papers.

Or rather, the letters he's written to Lily since her passing. They help, sometimes. On the days where the grief is all-encompassing. Where he watches old videos on her phone just to hear her voice. There’s a voicemail on his phone from her on his phone he refuses to delete.

“You can read them,” He tells her. “It's not as if there anything particularly embarrassing written there.”

He flashes a grin; it feels weak on his face. “There's nothing to blackmail me with, I'm afraid.”

Liz hands lingers, as if she's unsure before she takes the topmost letter. “Other than that monstrosity dyed hair you had when you first moved to Sunset Bird.”

“Lily found it charming.”

“She had terrible taste. How she liked it, I'll never know.”

“I might add, she wished I never stopped dyeing it that way.” He finishes eating and takes the plate to the sink. There’s not much to wash, but Baxter cleans the dishes anymore, moreso to give him something to do.

There’s silence between them, but it’s not tense or heavy, despite their banter earlier. Eventually: “You have the most flowery writing I’ve ever read.” Liz pauses, her eyes softens as she reads. “She fell in love with such a dork.” She returns the letter back to the stack, but doesn’t reach for another. “She would talk about you a lot, after that summer.”

That surprises Baxter; the way she acted after they met in the restaurant three years ago, he suspected she wanted nothing to do with him. “I honestly thought she hated me for a while there.”

Liz smiles. “Lillian Last actually hate anyone? I highly doubt that. If she was willing to give Shiloh and that Jeremy guy a second chance, she definitely was gonna give you one. She was just being dramatic. She’s good at that.” A pause. “Was good at that. Sorry.”

Baxter nods his head. He understands completely. There are days when he thinks of Lily in the present tense; sometimes he expects her to come walking through the door, talking excitedly about her job. He misses those moments when they cooked together (or attempted to, in Lily’s case. She was a bit of a disaster in the kitchen.)

He misses the floral perfume she would wear, the way she would laugh when he swept her up into an unprompted dance, her snuggling up next to him even if it was absolutely sweltering from the summer night.

Liz leaves with a well-meaning snark, telling him she will beat his door down if anyone hasn't heard from him in a few days. Entirely unnecessary, but he understands all the same, and it's well deserved. His attempt to go no contact had everyone thinking the worst and the last thing he wants to do is put his friends and family through all the stress again.

Baxter looks at his stack of letters; his fingers itching to write another is too hard to ignore.

Giving into temptation, he sits and writes, pouring out feelings he can't get himself to say out loud. He finishes it with

"In the afterlife, or wherever you are, do you miss me as much as I miss you?'

[avionvadion]

Hey so I finally have my thoughts together enough to talk about that Lucifer/El fic you posted. I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT! A Lucifer almost completely eaten by his introspective thoughts x El who is able to keep him grounded in reality? A match made in Heaven (or Hell technically lol). And I saw that ask where El sasses Adam for losing his first wife to Lucifer and I gotta say, I just need more of El's sass and Adam being a whiny lil bitch who threatens things when he doesn't get what he wants. It was amazing lol. Also, I actually really liked the song you made for Lucifer! Did you have any musical style in mind when you wrote it, or are you just leaving it up to our imaginations? Either way, I really enjoyed it and would love it if you wrote more, if that's the way the muse takes you! Absolutely no pressure though, I just would like more if that's what you feel like writing right now lol.

*screeches excitedly jogging tiptoes around kitchen counter while a grilled cheese cooks*

Thank youuuuuuuu!!!!!! It was so hard, haha. I did like three or four versions of the song (and each were WAY different than how it actually ended up) and in one El fell alone on the pile of gold while Lucifer transformed into a giant serpent and “ate” whatever demonic sillouhettes tried to approach her, and then he transformed back and plopped his legs on her lap like a sassy boi while she’s just like O.o

It got so chaotic, but I didn’t like how the lyrics were so I kept changing it. It’s supposed to be a bit of a jazzy waltz tune that speeds up into a bop??? But I only know how to play music, writing it is so much harder, lol

And yesssss~ Lucifer gets so lost sometimes that he starts to dissociate and El is just like, “Hey, it’s okay. Breathe. Your daughter still loves you. It’s gonna be alright.”

Lucifer, laying dramatically across her lap like it’s a soap opera: “Everthing is HORRIBLE.”

El: “Charlie’s nice?”

Lucifer, immediately excited and sitting up, a proud papa: “HELL YEAH SHE IS. MY DAUGHTER’S THE BEST.”

Lowkey, El wouldn’t like to hear about Lucifer’s ex (just makes her feel uncomfortable and a little unworthy since he’s the literal KING of Hell and Lilith is fucking gorgeous; how can she compete with that? But it’s fine, she knows it’s just her self loathing/anxiety trying to get the better of her) but she would absolutely bring her up to mess with Adam any chance she got.

I think it’d be funny if/when Adam finds out El is dating Lucifer he tries to shit talk him and build himself up, being all, “Bitch you don’t know what you’re missing” and she’s just like, “Nah, no thanks, I like the short king, he’s cute.”.

Adam: “EXCUSE ME? I’M CUTE AS FUCK. FAR CUTER THAN THAT PIECE OF-“

El: *immediately starts gushing about Lucifer just to aggravate him*

Adam, greatly disturbed: “MA’AM WHAT THE HELL.”

El: “Also, he doesn’t call me Bitch. Damn, no wonder your wife left you for him.”

Adam: “YOU FUCKING BITCH-“

El: *starts singing So What by P!nk but changing the lyrics so it’s technically from Adam’s PoV. He grows increasingly more pissed. Charlie and Sera have to run intervention so he doesn’t kill her* “Guess I just lost my first wife, I dunno where she went! So I’m gonna drink my money, I’m not gonna pay her rent!”

Doesn’t even get very far in the song, haha.

I think at one point El will just start singing Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing at Adam and/or the other angels. Probably during the council or after. I dunno, I’m just throwing ideas.

“So could you~ tell me, how you’re sleeping easy thinking only of yourself? Show me how you justify~ telling all your lies like second nature!? Listen! Mark my words one day~ you will pay, you will pay! Karma’s gonna come collect your debt!”

That said. A damn shame we didn’t get Adam singing “Stick it to the Man” from School of Rock. 🤣

[milfygerard]

hi hi hi i’m sorry about the everything in life for a distraction i would love to hear your detailed thoughts on your favorite mcr albums or taylor albums or a detailed ranking of either i just love Music Opinions and also i hope things get better soon<3

thank you sm for sending in <3

im terrible at ranking so ill turn to opinions hmmmm

My favorite mcr album changed by day hour minute but i think i wanna talk about.....bullets....yeah bc bullets is so insane as just a sheer proof of concept, like an expression of raw skill and talent that was growing within this band. Rays guitar work alone was enough for it to make complete sense for major labels to be knocking at the bands door begging to suck them off and then they also had GERARD!!! And this was even before mikey really could write bass parts and frank was still not really in the band like its just ray gerard and geoff (and otter who wrote drum parts that r cool but also somehow out of his skill range? girl you MADE THEM). The fact that vampires not onky exists but was like the second or third song written? Like before mcr gerard either never wrote music or wrote shitty three chord throwaway punk that existed as an excuse to print band stickers and arent even good enough to save on tape and then you decide to start writing for real to cope with major national level trauma and your first song is SKYLINES??? and youre next songs are VAMPIRES and OUR LADY OF SORROWS???? and oh my god the vocals gerard gives on the albuk as a completely untrained vocalist who did one musical once in middle school and otherwise never sang professionally unless you count crazy kids song in breakfast monkey. and then you hear the vocals on fucking vampires???? Like gerard doesnt exactly sing like celine dion on bullets but the raw harmony work and ability to PERFORM and really stretch the emotions of a song and do whatever strange or vulnerable thing is needed to sell the track. Theres still few songs more affecting than early sunsets. Like i fully think gerard is probably the strongest vocalist in the emo scene just because of their ability to completely and utterly sell you on the songs emotions (not just anyone can sing im not okay and get away with it) and thats before all the developing technical talents both already present like how gerard can just toss a melody onto a track without thinking about it or the fact gerard did a lot of the base writing for mcr while fucking barely knowing guitar how did that even work girl. Like i havent even mentioned the lyrics??? How do you. Like you can tell both that gerard never learned how to write songs and also that gerard listens to so much music that he can just fake it anywayyheres like 2 songs with actual choruses on the album and neither of them are the self proclaimed pop song h4h which opens with a queen riff?????? ans then is like a hardcore version of a beatles pop song????dont talk to me about drowning lessons. deomolition lovers!?!?! half of these songs are just poems that gerard hammered into songs and theyre so like. genuinely so incredible and they work??like the album works! as a cohesive piece! it coheres!

and thats the first album. Id say my favorite ts album is probably evermore though i might actually have less to say on it just bc i havent had it since 2015. Evermore is just so....ANGSTY!!! it feels like a complete fulfillment of what she was exploring on folklore with the fictional framing devices and keeping the songs clearly personal while also removing herself in a way she never really has before. It feels like a level of introspection through art that taylor has always been both pushing towards and shying away from because too much introspection or strangeness or even pulling away from the diaristic idea too much never worked with where taylor was at with her career. Evermore had a new collaborator, and the massive success of folklore as well as the continued quarantine gave her both an unprescedented level of artistic isolation personal confidence and professional security that allowed her to just go "fuck it" and write fucking. cowboy like me and dorothea and coney island and closure and she GOT AWAY WITH IT!!! like the albums been out for 3 years or something like that and I still feel like i havent fully processed its existence despite listening to it constantly. It truly felt like she was unshacked and was able to write about herself while also completely pulling away from any sort of literal Truth and going crazy with concept and the way she writes feels so unconstrained from the rules she would sometimes set for herself, it felt like a natural evolution from the freedom she felt jumping into the lover era but its past the honeymoon phase and like it is pop music but its also not scared to be...not pop music if that makes sense? She really fully settles into folk as a genre for the first time and it lets her writing flourish. Songs with no choruses songs with barely any structure at all lyrics that stretch at the ends of verses and fun bouncy wordplay and just allowing herself into a characters life and seeing how it fits her. She has some straight up ren faire tracks on here liek willow is just a collection of similies and metaphors she likes smushed together over a lute and its so GOOD. It feels like she was allowed to really live in adulthood as a woman in her early thirties who creates art because she loves it and because it keeps her alive ALSO proof that she needs to keep collaborating w new ppl bc whenever she does you can feel her pushing herself harder and she becomes so willing to try these new kind of weird things that she may have never tried otherwise aughhhh!!!! i didnt even talk about coney island!!!! I love how moody and dour the whole project is it feels like November where fall drags you into a cold unforgiving winter and you're just trying to survive with your sanity and any of your personal relationships intact. its so!!! tbh its SO new england also which makes me biased. ok thats all

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

How do I get rid of my envy?

This afternoon there was a report on tv about a young girl with a high iq, who had parents who supported her and she did amazing things as a child and was very fulfilled, you could really see that. And she reminded me of myself. I too have a high iq but it was discovered pretty late, so I got a scholarship on a private university but at that point I was mentally so ruined, that I couldn't graduate. I have very abusive but also distant parents, who left me with a did. I see this girl, who says out loud what I thought as a girl her age, and I can't stop thinking "why can't I be her?". I am 23 now so, I should be done crying about missed chances as a child. And, while I am usually a very empathy person, when I am hit with envy, I can't see further than my own issues. I have to force myself to be nice.

Envy is a very familiar feeling for me. I grew up very poor in a very rich city. And I always felt like "I deserved it more". Because I would appreciate it more. One example is, I always wanted to go horse riding, as a child. But we never had the money (and if, then my parents wouldn't have spent it on me). When I was 11, three of my classmates got their own horses for their birthdays. And they seemed so... uninterested. "Yeah, I got a horse for my birthday. Whatever." Or, I was using my birthday money to pay for flute lessons and always had to lend flutes. One day, the parents of a friend casually mentioned "Yeah, we bought our son (my friends brother) an expert-quality flute. We want him to start learning it and maybe this expensive instrument will motivate him." And ofc it didn't, he wasn't interested in it. There were some such situations.

I assume by now you see were my "I deserve it better" feeling comes from. And back then it was, kinda, valid. I was only envious when it seemed like, the person wasn't appreciating it enough. But that had switched. I don't begrudge people, who have what I want. But I am so fucking envious. And, since my mental health left me crippled, it is a lot that I am envious about. People with loving parents, who are healthy, who were able to graduate from university, who have a fulfilling job, a nice hobby etc pp. I missed out so many chances because of our poverty and later my mental health. And I know I will never be able to make up for everything I never had. Some chances are just lost.

It's not like I am all the time envious, because most ppl have loving parents. But when I hear a former classmate talk about how they love their job, I am. And I have a hard time saying "Good for you" though that's the truth. But I am too busy with my own envy. It kinda mixed with the hate you feel once you realize you've been abused and missed a lot of opportunities. But it isn't just that. I have those feelings seperated too.

How can I overcome this? It leads nowhere and hurts myself and makes me a bitter person. But it hits me so hard, it makes rationality so impossible and what to be rational about? Some people just aren't lucky and I am one of them? I just can't accept that some things are lost for me forever, I assume.

Hi anon,

You're definitely not alone.

Something my therapist tells me is to try to identify what specifically is causing those feelings of envy, and try to do some introspection and see if it's bringing up a past experience. I often find it's because there have been people in my life who look like that minimizing my trauma. So now when I see people who look like they did, I immediately think "they probably wouldn't understand, they wouldn't care" without actually knowing that.

This may not be effective for you, but I know it helps me to try and remember that you don't know what someone may be struggling with behind the scenes and could have had similar experiences as you. I find that it helps humanize them because we've been through difficult things, even the people you least expect. They may not have the exact same experience as you, they may have more privileges than you in some ways, but knowing that they understand your pain on some level can help normalize and neutralize those feelings. I even sometimes look back at my childhood home and feel guilty for being traumatized because I am somewhat well off. But in reality, the advantages that you or I may have don't trump the fact that we've been hurt too, you know?

I have faith that you'll overcome this. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[ariamikado]

Back again, and it's to vent/gush more. --CONTENT WARNING: Talking about anxiety, personal stuffs-- So, living with anxiety sucks. And I don't mean the "Oh, I'm so nervous", type of anxiety, but actual mental unwell-ness anxiety that can affect you socially, and when it gets at its worst, physically. I made a post here a LONG time ago talking about how I was in tears from having to deal with things having to do with family issues and the like, stemming from non-acceptance and bigotry coming from some of the people that should have been there fgor me by all rights, and since then, I've done everything in my power to move past all the negativity. Sometimes, though, you just CAN'T. No matter what you do, you just CAN'T push past all the terrible thoughts telling you that you're lesser for feeling the way that you feel, and in those cases, depending on how severe it gets. no amount of introspection, no breathing techniques, or anything, are going to help you to calm down. I'm talking those times where having someone to talk to that can and will be there for you through everything, that you can trust and confide in. Some people have a support network of folks they can trust like that, and others keep that number low. Some only have one person they feel who they can really trust fall onto. For YEARS, I've felt like I don't really have that kind of person in my life. And, that's not to say that I feel like I can't confide in my closest friends, but there are times where people with anxiety issues and the like are so deep in the darkest corners of their own mind that even THINKING about going to those people with whatever's ailing them is doing nothing but bothering or inconveniencing them in some way, and things can get harder on them mentally than others around them could ever imagine. I've been in those dark places before. I was HEADED there earlier today. But my girlfriend, Aoi, came around when she got online and offered me her shoulder until I was genuinely feeling better. I can't stress enough how much I love and adore that girl. I've thought at various points in my life that I'd just be dealing with nonsense from people for forever, that there wouldn't ever be a person "for me", as the saying goes. Aoi makes me feel like I may have been wrong. I'm not wrong often, and usually, when I am, it's about bad things happening. But this is one time where I hope I'm wrong, and that Aoi and I can be happy together for as long as we live. I likewise do everything in my power to comfort her when she needs it, and I hear out her issues, and do all I can to get her smiling and happy again. I'll ALWAYS be there when I can be, no questions asked, and I want her to see that, and trust in it. I hope it's enough, and that I can express to her how much she means to me, and how much I love her, dearly.

[unfilteredgrounds]

Wolf & Lamb

When I try to be introspective, I feel like I'm, split into two version of myself. There's Lamb: the part of me that's been the same through childhood, the optimistic one, the one that gets so excited about very specific things, the one that talks nonstop, the one that likes cuddles and soft things and when nice things are said to her, the crybaby, the dreamer, the singer. The me that very rarely gets seen around others because I know better. The me that was constantly questioned, made fun of, and rejected when she was too young to fully understand what was happening. The me that had no one to talk to for a very long time.

Then there's Wolf: older me, jaded me, me that snaps at any sign of my own weakness or shortcoming, me that hold myself to the highest standard, me that needs a plan, always, me that's afraid of everything that could potentially hurt me, me that gets so angry when people treat me poorly that I still get the urge to burn down my old elementary-middle school when I see it, me that shys at any sign of real authenticity, because that's what makes people leave. The me that bares her teeth at anyone who tries to start shit because for fuck's sake I am too old for this game.

I don't know why the split feels right-- and it's not always 50/50 obviously, because I am of 1 body and mind, but these two sides are constantly warring in my brain. For example, tomorrow, my partner will call me to watch fmab, and he will ask me how my weekend was. There are two trails of thought.

Wolf: I try (and probably fail, because I can't lie to my partner, because it makes me feel like the worst person on earth) to lie about it or (more likely) just say very little and try to shift focus away from whatever the fuck I'm going through right now. I do this because I feel like I am just constantly complaining every time we call (and, a part of me that I would really like to shut up wishes we could talk more, but that's not fair because you know he's busy), and even though he is so patient and kind that has a limit because it always does, and him leaving me, I think, would be one of the worst pains I have ever had to experience. I also don't want him to worry about me, because then he would be upset, and I want him to be happy (especially when it involves me).

Lamb: I tell him the truth, sob over the phone, and panic even more because I can't see his face so it's even harder for me to work out how he's feeling. Then, I feel guilty about the way I feel, because he probably has things he's going through too, and just because he's my boyfriend doesn't mean I have to dump all of my problems onto him-- he just wants to have a nice chat with his partner, not get trauma dumped on. But at the same time, I need some comfort, because I'm not getting it anywhere else, and I feel very alone right now, and he always makes me feel like A.) I'm not crazy, and B.) loved and okay.

Whenever the fighting between these two factions is at it's worst, I just feel sick to my stomach. Paralyzed. Like I don't even know who I am. Like I'm losing it. It takes me forever to make a decision because I have to decide which version of myself gets to make the decision, consider every outcome I possibly can. from both sides, and then maybe go with something.

I need to be honest. I hate myself. I hate that I'm like this, and that I don't know why. I hate that because I'm like this, i self-sabotage any chance I get, all in the name of protecting myself. I hate that the wolf part of me feels the need to filter everything I say, and the lamb makes me feel guilty for doing so. I hate how tired this back and forth makes me.

People look at me and see someone who has it together. They have no idea how hard I have to work to present that image. I have to script out every interaction I have, out in the wild, as best I can. Half of the time, I can't even listen to what people are saying, because I'm trying to think of the response they want to hear. I am always being tested and am terrified of failure. I filter so much of myself away so that I can be palatable to people who don't even text me to ask how I'm doing. And when I don't think, when I let go, then I freak out afterward. I lay awake at night, playing out scenarios of how what I did could possibly have been wrong, how it was a mistake to be myself, how I have no fucking clue what I'm doing with my future and I'm just lying to everyone so that no one gets mad at me or is disappointed.

[iusedtobeapieceofconsciousness]

i think about Baltic a little too much to pretend i have no heart

A Tumblr account and a year of nothing but forced therapy later and im still alive somehow. A lot has happened, maybe people caught you up. Anyways, i was going to write about how im oh so fucked up or how im doing so much better or some shit, but im not, because its not really true. i miss some things. the junction feels like a ghost town, a foreign town without you being there to guide me around. and when i think of north york i get sick thinking of just what everything up there meant. I’m sorry about NYU, i know i was holding you back from New York, and i thought at least now you can go. i know im not supposed to know about that but i hope your other options work. i hope your parents are better and the next job you get is better than your last and that your world is healing, you deserve rest and a place to be safe. i hope youre not smoking too much and that youre sticking to just weed. Fuck you for that by the way, your sobriety meant a lot to me because it meant a lot to you, you couldve told me when you broke it instead of telling me when you wanted to use it to shock me. Maybe youll be relieved to know that im still smoking a lot, still fucking dumb, and still always late, you didnt miss out on much. i have some new friends and some have stayed, i have a girlfriend and she treats me really well, so you dont have to worry about me being dead yet. I hope youre ok, and i do genuinely care for you, i hope whoever you meet treats you well and loves you in all the right ways. Summer and the months after were filled with depression-fueled introspection and a lot of acid, so my thinking process is a little different but im not in psychosis yet. I hope your scars fade and your mind heals and your trauma is easier to manage and the doors of your life open and light pours into your windows whenever its needed and the tea you drink is always the right temperature and the work you put in fruitions into something beautiful and those little fish pastries stay available at the market and i hope you find someone who can make a deadline on time for God’s sake. I hope you and your mother can become friends, or i hope she fucking dies depending on your opinion on her at the moment. Maybe i cant talk about your mom anymore, i know she hates me, im sorry. im finally getting my adhd analysis, and im going in like 8 hours to get it done. my situation with my parents has become a very long story, but things with my dad got a lot worse before theyre now getting better.

You don’t have to be worried about me, i know ill fuck this situation up with my friends and girl and support system and ill kill myself in a few years and youll never have to hear about me again.

god i love your area, your world. i hope the traffic at dundas and keele never gets any better and the thrift thus always has new finds and that the woman there always recognizes you when you walk in, i hope theres always seemingly a million buses going to the station and only 2 going away when you need it, i hope kids keep climbing the fence to get to the train tracks at the park on vine because they get to live a little and i hope the vesuvios gets bought and reopened and that the outside of your house has gotten much safer when its late, I hope you love your cd player still and you take good care of that special version of Blonde. I miss that area, but i know its yours, and i respect that. Im sorry for walking into your world and then fucking it up. There are a lot of things that are wrong with me, and a lot of things about myself that i think i have made better. In a perfect world id be able to help you in life without you ever talking to me again, because i feel bad for all the fuck ups, but i know thats literally impossible. And im genuinely proud of you for staying alive, if im even allowed to tell you that. I hope someday your name is under a movie i just watched, or i hope i never hear of it again, whatever makes you happy. I lie, id like to be reminded and know of your existence as time passes. I hope you find peace, therapy, and closure, and a good set of friends. I know theyre out there, and i know youll find them. I hope you continue and succeed in your plans of getting the hell out of the city, that plan works for you solo or together, i know it means more to you than it did to me. and im sorry i couldn't be everything, and im more sorry for becoming worse than just not enough. every emotion i felt for you i felt it very intensely, wanting to fall on the floor and crumble into a ball of overwhelming emotion and angst and yearning to understand what anything i was feeling actually meant, and i think thats a reflection of who you are. youre a wildfire, caged in the confines of your mind. If anyone could bend the universe to their will, its you. Youre so very strong Leticija. I hope the universe brings good things and good people into your life and that you find peace in whatever you do. You’re so much better than all the shit you’re going through. I was going to end this with some niche connection to fireball and night fiend so it could sound nice and make me cry, but im really fucking bad at it and cant think of one, so you have this. I truly hope youre ok, you were always right when you said life sucks and I hope Cat and Big Cat are doing well too. I still count trees while saying tree out loud like our competition, and i still think what you’d think of the books i read. You continued living, and im very glad you did. You’re an enigma, please never stop being you. 

[tagalongifyoudare]

Hello and Welcome!

Welcome beautiful person! It brings me so much joy that you have found your way here :) My obsession with, and deep love for YR is just continuing to grow; I figured I would introduce myself a little more properly to y'all! You can call me Rambo :) I'm in my 30's and use she/her pronouns. I am very proudly queer; I don't define myself past that! You can read my much more rambling introduction below if you are interested!

I sort of just stumbled upon YR and it has brought so much joy and excitement and creativity back into my life. Everything about YR is so beautiful, so thoughtful, so lovingly done; I just want to always be surrounded by its warmth. YR gave me so many thoughts and feelings, I didn’t want to contain them anymore; welcome to where they have found their home!

***Update*** YR has truly unlocked something in me and has continued to inspire me to write. I have several fics now, so please check them out if you are interested! They are true works of love, and something I am incredibly proud of 🫀

No One Else Can Break My Heart Like You is my first fic and is completed. It is canon compliant post Season 1; it was written before the release of Season 2. It is a story about Simon and Wille finding their way back together and how music binds them together and holds them while they are apart. Each chapter alternates POV between Wille and Simon. I have also broken apart this story into two parts; Wille's POV only and Simon's POV only.

I Play For Keeps And I Don't Lose is a fic exploring some missing moments between Episode 5 and Episode 6 of Season 2. It is just 2 chapters, Simon's POV and Wille's POV.

When I Live My Dream, I'll Take You With Me is my current WIP. It is a canon compliant Season 2 fic depicting some missing moments as well as a lot of introspection. Each chapter alternates POV's between Wille and Simon.

I Was Lost Until I Found Me In You is my other current WIP. It is an aged up AU. This AU takes place when Wille and Simon are 25. Simon never went to Hillerska and they never met. Simon is a singer; Wille is still Crown Prince. They meet and have a passionate, fiery, one-night stand and that is the end of it, at least that is what they both intended to have happen. Each chapter alternates POV between Simon and Wille. I have also broken apart this story into two parts; Simon's POV only and Wille's POV only.

As I am sure you can tell if you have read this far, I tend to ramble! If you are interested in hearing my nonsense, feel free to message me or send me an ask; I adore chatting! I am always happy to talk about YR, about fics, or about whatever is on your mind! I really hope that you find something on here that brings you joy, that makes your life a little brighter, that spreads a little love 🎶🫀👑

[carrdfan]

Eddie Brock x Reader

summary : Eddie's thoughts were becoming more and more destructive. Yet a night with you, a familiar bartender, it gives him hope he majorly needed

main tags : angst with comfort of a sort , female reader

notes : venom's entire presences isn't known to anyone yet

The room was quiet, even though there were countless others chatting the night away.

The soothing jazz, the appealing décor, it's no wonder why this bar was so popular when it came to the people in the city.

Yet for an unfortunate man, the comforting atmosphere was just not enough to calm him and his stress. With the recent lost of his relationship and job, Eddie couldn't keep his head up for once, something he did towards to many people.

The music was barely reaching to him, he was losing himself in the unforeseen void that was eating him away. He felt his paranoia grow as the distant chatter formed into laughter. Mocking him for how much of a fool he was and how he truly fucked up.

Any moment now he would break. Eddie knew that one more crack would be the thing that does him in, the thing that will forever ruin him.

"Eddie? You ok?"

Eddie flew his head up to his name, in front of him stood you, who was casually cleaning out a beer glass while facing and looking back at him.

Y/n, a well-loved bartender who enjoys her job. She was the chipper one in the group, making witty jokes, and always managed to help the workers look more forward towards their shift. Yet despite how favored she was, almost no one seemingly knew anything else about her.

If you were to ask, everyone's memories of her consisted of running jokes she came up with that person specifically, not many could recall anything else the overall jokes when it came to Y/n. No one knows what she feels behind her bright smile, and everyone was too distracted by her cheerful acts to dig deeper into it.

"Ah... Yeah, yeah, I'm doin' fine." Eddie attempted to casually brush off the concern, he felt like Y/n may not be the best when it comes to being the person someone would complain their heart out to.

"... You seem too troubled to be 'doin' fine.'" Y/n casually commented, her response made Eddie freeze for a second. She stopped cleaning the glass cup and placed it in its proper place, waiting to be picked up again when the next guy comes in shouting how he wanted Budweiser, or whatever beer was popular for tonight.

While being at a closer distance, Y/n grabbed a chair and took a seat, still looking away and focusing on what was on the T.V.

"You caught me. I ain't doin' the best right now... But what's got you so invested?" Y/n slowly turned her head to Eddie before giving him a big grin, it made her thought process unpredictable almost.

She rested her head down on the table, using her arms as some sort of pillow. "Nothing in particular, just couldn't help myself for asking. So, in any case, what's got you down?"

Childish, is what Y/n was almost all the time. Yet in a moment like now, she showed sparks of being the adult she actual was. Maybe it was a moment of desperation to let out his feelings, or maybe it was because she managed to give off such a pleasing figure right now. Either way, Eddie could barely catch himself as he casually gets the weight off his chest with Y/n.

"Have you... Has there ever been a time in your life where it all just seems meaningless? Hopeless?" There was a moment of pecking silence, Eddie looked at Y/n waiting for a response. Her eyes were closed and Eddie could've sworn she had passed out on him right then and there if she hadn't opened one eye as she stared back.

"Yeah. It's enviable basically. Why, did you have a recent epiphany?" The question felt more of a targeted callout, a reminder of all the events that went down. Eddie took a deep exhale before responding.

"Yep. Lost it all in the matter of a few days, now I just.. Don't know what to do anymore." In the back of Eddie's mind, he took a grip on himself. 'Why am I telling her this? I barely know her.'

He was barely able to snap back and hear the next words that came out of Y/n, "I mean yeah, honestly, I'd lose my shit if that all happened personally... I believe every adult is on the verge of cracking, and to have that happen? Lose everything I had worked so hard for? I'm surprised you aren't on the news, being on the wanted list 'cause that would've been my final push." Y/n swiftly swings her head back to look at the television.

Out of everyone in here who would have such an introspect like that, the last person Eddie would believe to have it would be Y/n. "What do you know about being on the low side? Hell, you're nothing but the opposite honestly."

In the eerie pause of silence, Eddie felt disturbed as Y/n sat back up and slowly locked eyes with him while carrying a smile that was a bit too big for the type of conversation they were having.

"I'm an adult too Eddie, please don't be like everyone else and forget that."

Even with the silence broken, the air still felt disturbing as he took in her words, but before he could respond, Y/n got out of her chair and took a stretch. "Well, the usual loud crowd should be here any minute now."

She popped her knuckles in kiddy exaggeration. A mere 180° from what she was a mere moment ago. "I liked our talk, should do it more. I mean, even the ditz can be tired of themselves, y'know?"

She soon pats Eddie on the shoulder lightly, "Hang in there for me soldier, I don't wanna have these types of conversations with nothing but your dead corpse one day." The joke was caught, but for a situation like this, it did nothing but make Y/n's figure even more ambiguous.

Before he could respond, a loud outburst came from the entrance and caught Eddie's attention. It was a group of men, entering the bar, laughing and disturbing the peaceful atmosphere.

Eddie looked back at Y/n one last time, who was irritated and rolled her eyes to the sight. She did the same to Eddie as they locked eyes one last time before she walked off into the back room.

It felt short, but the talk the both of them shared tonight gave Eddie multiple feelings. He felt reassured and comforted, yet clueless in a way as he had many questions for Y/n that never got a chance to be asked.

Either way, Eddie was definitely planning on making a return for the next few nights. Y/n's strange mannerisms managed to puzzle and captivate him.

She was a book, and he wanted to read and understand her. Especially after tonight.

[xaharadesert]

Immortal MC & Reincarnated LI - Headcanon Pt 2

Arcana Characters (Muriel, Asra, Nadia) x MC

A/N: Part 2 for the lovely @firefly-child! See part 1 for details, it should be the post just before this one! I swear I’ll learn how to make a master post one day :) Nadia’s part turned a bit more introspective than romantic, but honestly, it felt more interesting than simply repeating the same few points about eternal love that I used previously, so I hope you don’t mind!Thank you to everyone who reblogged and left comments on the last post, you’ve all really motivated me! And thank you to everyone who has sent in requests recently, that’s definitely a big boost to my confidence! Please let me know if there are any spelling or grammatical mistakes :) requests are open!

TW: mentions of death

💚Muriel💚

You would have to wait for Muriel to settle comfortably into your relationship before telling him about your immortality, but believe me, it would be worth the wait

At this point, he genuinely trusts you, and knows you wouldn’t lie to him (beyond a couple minutes where he thinks you might be trying to prank him)

He’s not entirely certain how to respond to the revelation and situation as a whole, so he simply… accepts it

Although he doesn’t really ask many questions about it, please don’t assume that he’s not interested

He is— but since you waited so long to tell him, he assumes it may be a sensitive topic, and wants to wait for you to open up at your own pace

His favourite tales from your past are the more mundane ones— he likes to hear about different creatures you’ve met, and places you’ve traveled to that no longer exist

But, to be perfectly honest, he would listen to you talk about almost anything if it made you happy

If you try to subtly hint about his past lives, it’ll go completely over his head

He’ll assume they were simply past lovers, unrelated to each other or himself, cherished, but long gone

So when or if you decide to reveal the nature of his own existence to him, he would be even more surprised than when you initially announced you were immortal

But once again, this ultimately leads to acceptance

A part of him is glad that he can be reincarnated by your side in an endless cycle, even if he can’t remember it

It means that the two of you were meant to be together, and that you would support each other come what may

He won’t ask about himself, and frankly, he doesn’t really want to know

Muriel doesn’t feel the need to compare his current self to his past selves, partially because he doesn’t want to feel as though he’s falling short

He still has days where he feels ostracized, like he doesn’t quite fit in with the life he believes you deserve, and the idealistic implication that comes with reincarnation is one he’d rather not taint

💙Asra💙

Shockingly, he wouldn’t believe you right away

You might think that due to his own connections to magic, he would be one of the first people to accept that you’re telling the truth

But he’s never encountered an immortal on the same plane of existence he lives his everyday life on (and the fact that you had died before did nothing to help)

However, his heart tells him that you’re telling the truth, and he already knows you would never lie to him about something so enormous, so, try as he might, he will eventually believe you

Once he comes to terms with it, he thinks it’s amazing— or more specifically, that you’re amazing

He loves to hear you talk about the past; adventures you’ve had, people you’ve met, places you’ve been, and especially magic you’ve learned

Magic is an ever-evolving concept, and although your old knowledge might not apply to the present, he stills enjoys learning about how it evolved (and it doesn’t hurt that your eyes light up whenever you divulge what you believe to be a particularly interesting fact)

Occasionally you mention a significant other from your past, and his heart seems to tug at him with a feeling he can’t quite place

Jealousy? Longing? … Familiarity?

One thing that genuinely bothers Asra is the fact that one day he’ll grow old, and pass on, and you’ll still exist, alone

So when you reveal to him that he’s been by your side almost as long as you’ve been alive, he’s thrilled

He has no issue accepting that he’s a reincarnation of your past lover, simply happy to know that the two of you are genuinely intertwined on a level that can never be touched by death

Asra rests easier at night knowing that nothing could ever truly separate the two of you, even if he was to die

A small, morbid part of his brain questions if his heart will return to him whole in his next life, or if you will continue to share it— and more importantly, how many more times could he split it in half if you were to be the one to pass away again?

For the most part, he doesn’t think about the possibility that you might be the one to die, but the though does occasionally come to him in the dead of night

And now, knowing that the two of you are so integral to each other that you would find him no matter what life he lived, he is fully aware that he would go to horrendous lengths to keep death from pulling you away

But of course, he tries to focus more on the relief he feels that he’ll never have to leave you, and you’ll always find a way back to him

💜Nadia💜

She doesn’t doubt you, even for a moment

You know infinitely more about magic than she does, and she trusts that you wouldn’t lie to her about something so important

With that being said, by announcing your immortality to her, you’ve just opened the floodgates to infinite questions

She wants to know everything about the past, no matter how mundane you may believe it to be

Nadia is a firm believer in the idea that history repeats itself, and she wants to learn from the past so she can help Vesuvia grow into a better future

She’s quick to make connections that even you may have never thought to make, and is clearly pleased with her own ingenuity (as she should be, she’s amazing)

She seems to be enthralled with even the most basic of knowledge you can provide about past civilizations, and makes a point to take as many detailed notes as possible

Questions about even the smallest details are a constant, so best of luck to you if your memory isn’t perfect

She tries to keep quiet if you seem to be particularly emotional about a certain tale, but sometimes she can’t help but ask for clarifications

You might need to gently remind her that you’re her lover, not a specimen

Setting boundaries about these questions is probably a wise choice

Nadia offers you a more official position as an advisor to make up for her work life bleeding into your down time together

It’s fine if you decline, though— the two of you can work out a certain time every day or two for her to ask whatever questions pool in her mind

When you finally reveal to her that she was alive during most of these past events as well, her initial response is frustration

She’s very much annoyed that she can’t remember her past lives, and wishes she could draw on past experiences to better herself in the present

Overall, her questions remain focused on general life and governments of the past, and she rarely asks questions about her past selves

She feels no need to hear about her old exploits, unless they contain something that you feel could be important to her now

Although she never feels the need to compare herself to her past, she does wonder if some part of her lives accumulated into what she currently was

And if that were true, what would she be like in the future?

In love with you, no doubt, as there was no way she could see herself alone, but would she continue to be good?

Would she always be someone in a position of power? Or would she step away from it in her next life, in exchange for more time with you?

To some degree, it soothes her to know that no matter what she does in her lifetime, she can make up for it in the next

[comfyswitcherblanketfort]

Pomegranate Seeds 3

well we got some BIG projecting going on here. if yall didn’t know i had mommy issues before, you sure as fuck do now 😂😂😂

Warnings: insecure Jask, allusions to verbally abusive/manipulative parents, lmao rebellious jask, good ole miscommunication between jask and geralt - but solved quickly, lol swearing

___________

Letter after letter reached Jaskier in the underworld, and time after time, he destroyed them. He didn’t tell Geralt, telling himself it was because the ruler of the underworld had more important things to deal with. He didn’t want to admit he was scared Geralt would send him packing. 

Eventually, Demeter resorted to threats. Threats of famine that she followed through on. She underestimated just how like her Jaskier was, though. He didn’t dignify her tantrum with a response. 

When she sent messengers, he started to worry.

He told Charon to alert him, not Geralt, if another god or goddess came to visit, even one of the more senior demigods. He didn’t want to take any chances. Geralt didn’t need to know anyway. 

But Geralt noticed something was off.

Jaskier would say he was tired, or he couldn’t perfect a specific verse of the song he was writing. Usually it worked, but it was only ever a salve, never a cure, for Geralt’s suspicions. 

“What’s wrong, love?” Geralt cradled him in his lap, lounging in the now lavish courtyard under the pomegranate tree Jaskier had brought back from the brink of death. 

Jaskier nuzzled closer, “I’m just ti-”

“No, I asked you what’s wrong,” Geralt insisted, giving him a gentle squeeze and placing a kiss to the top of his head. 

“It’s nothing,” Jaskier lied, hoping the sigh he accidentally let slip didn’t register, “You don’t need to worry about it.” 

Geralt hummed and went quiet for a moment before he curled a bit tighter around Jaskier and whispered, “Do you want to go home?” 

Jaskier scrambled up, sputtering and terrified, “Did she get to you?!” When Geralt just looked at him with an unreadable expression he started to panic, feeling hot tears welling up in his eyes as he did his best to keep his voice steady, “Don’t send me back. Please, Geralt. Anything but that.”

“I’d never,” Geralt soothed, standing and hesitantly reaching for Jaskier’s hand. 

He eyed the offer warily, sniffing and trying to calm himself, “Then why would you say that?”

“I thought you were unhappy. You’ve been… acting strange.” 

Jaskier ignored Geralt’s outstretched hand, choosing to wrap himself around Geralt’s torso and bury his face in the crook of his neck, “I’m sorry. I’ll be better tomorrow. It’s just, uhm. I’m just a bit off.” 

Geralt instinctively held him tighter, “Jaskier I want you to be happy, not ‘better’.”

Jaskier just hummed, swallowing back his unshed tears. 

“Who were you talking about?”

For a moment, Jaskier had to remind himself to breathe before he could respond, “Hm?”

“You asked if someone had ‘gotten’ to me?”

Tears spilled regardless of Jaskier’s best efforts, “My mother. She wants me to come back. She’s been sending letters and messengers.”

“And you don’t want to?” 

“Never,” Jaskier insisted, “This is the most freedom I've ever had. I don’t have to hide in the treetops to feel any sense of calm, I get to make decisions, I make things grow when I want, for whom I want.”

Geralt ran a hand over his hair, resting it at the base of his skull and brushing his thumb through the little hairs behind his ear, “You don’t ever have to leave. I love you. I want you here.” 

“I love you too,” Jaskier whispered, “I’m just scared.” 

Geralt gently pushed him back just enough to look into his eyes, “There’s a way you could stay forever…”

The hopeful glint in his eyes told Geralt everything he needed to know, so he continued, “If you eat even one pomegranate seed you will be tethered to the underworld. You can stay and do whatever pleases you. But it is irreversible. One bite and your fate is forever tied to this place.” 

Jaskier thought about it for a moment, searching Geralt’s eyes for something, anything, that could make the decision for him, “I could never leave?” 

“Only if the both of us willed it and only for a short time,” Geralt explained, tenderly wiping his tears away, “I could never keep you here if you were miserable. Try as I might to think about anything else, your happiness consumes much of my thoughts.” 

“Hmm,” Jaskier leaned into Geralt’s touch, turning his head to kiss his palm, “Do I need to decide right now?”

Geralt kissed his forehead, “Of course not. It’s just an option.”

“Okay,” Jaskier sighed, curling his fingers around the robes cascading down Geralt’s back, “I like it - the idea. I just… I want to take my time?” 

“Absolutely.”

-

Time wasn’t something Jaskier was allowed apparently. 

The two of them were just climbing out of a lovely bath when a chattering skeleton announced the arrival of a visitor. 

Demeter stood in the throne room with her back turned to them, examining one of the glowing diamonds when they entered. She looked so small, almost insignificant. Her hair was in an intricate braid, she wore a cream toga, adorned with gold that made her look more like a savior than the horror she really was. 

Jaskier gripped Geralt’s hand tightly and pulled them to a halt, knowing very well Demeter wanted him to speak first. It was a stand off he was familiar with. If he spoke first she had the upper hand, hearing his tone and picking apart his words. She always knew how particular her son was with words. 

“Julek. It’s time to go.”

Her voice echoed off the stone walls as she calmly stated her order, not even bothering to turn and look at him. 

Jaskier took a deep breath and squeezed Geralt’s hand, not looking at him for fear of crying, “No.” 

“Playtime is over. You have duties. The humans did not prepare for you to leave. They’re calling it winter,” she snorted as if the idea was as ridiculous as standing on your head in a temple. 

Jaskier grit his teeth, feeling the rage bubble up in his chest, “I don’t care.”

“Clearly,” She rounded on him with a condescending look of disappointment, “It doesn’t matter if you care. They’re still your responsibility.” 

Jaskier took a step forward, “A responsibility you assigned me. You fixed it before, fix it now.”

“I cant.” 

“Tough shit.”

Jaskier wasn’t sure how any of his words were coming out without sounding absolutely hysterical, but he was glad for it. He glared at her, daring her to try again while internally he was scrambling for a plan.

“For this particular magic, I need you. Seasons will take more work than a year round harvest, but you have set them off nonetheless.” Demeter’s voice was softer than usual, though Jaskier didn’t miss the incincerity of her words. She’d raised him. He knew her, probably better than she knew herself for all the introspection she refused to take part in, and he knew she was playing games. 

"Oh? Are you no longer capable?" Jaskier laughed bitterly as he turned to walk toward the courtyard, "The great goddess of plenty and harvest can't sustain what she's built? Unfortunate. I am good at what I do here. I am so good at caring about the souls that end up in our audience-"

"Our!?"

"DONT interrupt me," Jaskier shouted, turned and stomped his heel into the ground making vines burst forth from the marble beneath them, wrapping around Demeter's waist and mouth, "I have also found I'm rather adept at torture when necessary. I love it down here! I love being able to right wrongs and show the righteous to Elysium. I love having a purpose to my actions, not just being someone's unappreciated trophy! And I love Geralt. He treats me so well and loves me so sweetly and wants only to make me happy. Nothing about your 'seasons' and 'bringing life' interests me in the slightest, Demeter. Because that's not who I am. I am rage and justice and I am to be feared, not manipulated. Take your failing crops and go." Jaskier waved a hand dismissively and the vines disappeared back into the ground. 

Without looking back, he strode toward the pomegranate tree in the center of the garden, plucking a fruit from the nearest branch and turning to glare at his mother. Geralt was hot on his heels, glancing between the two but keeping quiet. Jaskier had told him he wanted to confront her himself, without her thinking he’d been told what to say. So Geralt stood by and seethed. 

Jaskier pulled a knife from the holster in Geralt’s belt and sliced a nice section out of the pomegranate. 

“Don’t you dare.” Demeter snarled, standing at the edge of the courtyard. 

Jaskier smirked and peeled the white fiber from the blood red seeds with a casual sigh, “I don’t think your opinion matters much here.” 

Jaskier flipped the knife in the air and caught it by the blade, maintaining eye contact with Demeter as he handed it back to Geralt.

“Are you sure?” Geralt’s voice was just a whisper as he took the blade.

Jaskier picked a particularly dark red seed from it’s home and turned to look at him, “There’s absolutely nowhere else I’d rather be, my love.” 

With that he popped the seed in his mouth. 

[takethetrain]

hiiii! okay. this may sound a little weird, but after reading your post about Thomas I wanted to write to you. I just had to.

All your thoughts?!? You've literally explained perfectly how I've always felt about cc's questionable writing choices regarding Thomas's character in choi.

First, Thomas is also my favourite favourite hehe, I just relate to him a lot and he's 100% the tsc character I got more attached to. However, my overall impression after choi was that cc had somehow reduced all his complexity...or more like she hadn't valued it enough? And this by simplyfing all his mental processes and creating little inconsistencies concerning his thoughts and words. Literally all the things you've pointed out!!

And yeeeah, the “he reminded himself, he didn't much like Alastair” line confused me so much. Not only it felt extremely wrong, but it also didn't make sense at all...? Especially if we consider the fact that apparently Thomas has been aware of his attraction to men and deep feelings for Alastair the whole time.

It was like all the introspective and thoughtful povs we're used to when it comes to Thomas, were kind of left out/semplified in choi.

And it makes me genuinely upset because Thomas is such an amazing and complex character with so much potential, but, as you've pointed out, it feels like he's been completely sidelined in the writing process.

I'm not gonna add more stuff since you've already phrased everything perfectly jwjsl, but know that I'm so glad someone finally talked about this!! Everything you've pointed out is just *chef's kiss*

Also. forgive me if I'm being a little long-winded, but I absolutely got to tell you. I adore your fic. It's just so so beautiful. And one of the main reasons why I love it so much, is precisely because of the way you've written Thomas!!

While reading it I was just so happy, because it felt like Thomas's complex interior world I've always felt a special connection to, had been finally explored?? *feeling incredibly emotional at the mere thought*

Basically, your Thomas just shines!! And for a person who relates so much to his character your fic is just so so comforting. (Also I'm generally very fond of the sea since I live by the seaside, so the whole story is literally perfect to me kskzj).

Anyway, this was supposed to be just a brief *I agree with all the stuff you've pointed out about thomas in choi* ask, but turned into a *I'm a huge fan of your fic, you're such a fantastic writer and your thomas is perfect* monologue, oops :'')

I probably would have sent you an ask some day, but after that post I just jumped at the opportunity to rant about your fic as well jwksj

okay, guess I'm donee, hope this doesn't sound too intrusive or anything!! Have a good day/night!! <3

OMG ! !!!!! !!! this ASK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all. Can we be friends?? 🥺 and second, I hope u don’t seriously worry about being long winded or whatever u said because I would take every WORD of this & have it TATTOOED on my SOUL. Putting that out there to begin with.

I’m really glad my ramblings about how Thomas was mishandled in choi resonated with someone because I truly had no idea if anyone would agree with the weirdly specific grievances I have, but they REALLY bothered me and honestly the longer I think about them the more frustrated I get. The new snippet made me really nervous too because it seems like it’s (potentially) signaling more of what we’re talking about. But THANK U for engaging with me on this, and thank you @melanielocke for giving me an excuse to write a stress-fueled essay about it in the middle of the night—if there’s anyone I can count on to validate the things I care about way too much for anyone’s good, it is this fandom.

Speaking of caring about things way too much for anyone’s good, I lowkey want to cry about the second half of your ask 🥲 because what you’re describing is exactly what I’ve been trying to do and it’s so incredible to hear that I’m not just doing it for myself but for other ppl who love Thomas too??? I wasn’t kidding when I said that’s a huge part of why I started writing the fic, to give him some time to shine/explore his interior world, so I’m just so glad that’s landing the way it is for you, and please feel free to come talk to me about Thomas anytime!!! I mean this!!! I so resonate w every single thing you said!!!!

Also thank you, if I didn’t make that clear ❤️🥰 this was such a lovely thing to receive!!