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my-funky-little-cowboy · 4 years ago

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This is a really delayed @rdr-secret-cupid piece for the wonderful @alwaysbeliev. This one got re-assigned pretty late, but I do hope you enjoy. I wrote a little piece about how Arthur got into art. I included a little drawing of Arthur’s first sketch, since it was so late, I hope you enjoy!

Leather and Graphite

Characters: Arthur Morgan, Hosea Matthews, Bessie Matthews Themes: Fluff Warnings: None Words: 2,929

“What the hell were you thinking?” Hosea growled, releasing Arthur’s arm as they approached a bored looking horse.

“The guy started it!” Arthur argued, rubbing his arm.

“We were supposed to be scouting only, now we gotta move on, they are gonna be on alert now.” Hosea couldn’t look at the boy and he stepped into the saddle.

He thrust out a hand for Arthur, who climbed sullenly onto the horse. The ride back to their camp outside of town was silent.

“Oh, you’re back early!” Bessie looked up from her darning, putting her work down as Hosea and Arthur dismounted.

Her smile fell as she looked up at Hosea’s face, her eyes slowly moving to Arthur’s shrunken form behind him. “Is everything alright?”

Hosea scowled and turned to face Arthur. “Why don’t you tell her about our trip to town.”

The kid held his hat in his hands, a sheepish and pained look on his face. Hosea turned and took the reins, leading Amelia off to get her settled with the rest of the horses. Bessie patted the crate next to her.

“Come and sit, tell me what happened.”

Arthur plopped heavily beside her, his heels digging into the soft earth as he pushed his lanky legs out in front of him. He had grown so much in the last couple years, Bessie thought, looking down at him. She knew what this was about, he had started another fight, blown their cover.

“So, what was it this time.” She said gently, picking up the pair of trousers she needed to mend.

“It weren’t all my fault!” Arthur started, his voice cracking.

“It never is,” Bessie hummed.

-- || --

Bessie looked up from her journal, as Hosea stepped into their tent, he had been quiet and distant all night. His frustrations with Arthur had been bubbling all evening and she worried, it was unlike him to get so angry. He sighed heavily as he changed for bed.

“What’s wrong?” she said quietly, closing her journal.

“It was a good tip, Bessie, and now we are going to have to move on.” Hosea grumbled, “maybe it was a mistake to bring him along.”

“Oh, you don’t mean that, it was a little disagreement.”

“This is the third time this month he has gotten into a fight with someone in town! That anger of his is gonna get him caught, or worse, killed!” Hosea’s voice caught in his throat.

Bessie smiled knowingly. That was it, he wasn’t mad at Arthur, he was scared and worried for the boy.

“Mr. Matthews, is that concern I hear?” she said jokingly. “He just needs another outlet. What happened to that journal you bought him?”

Hosea scoffed, and shrugged. “I couldn’t get him to do his writing lessons in it, much less anything else.”

He crossed the space, settling down onto their pallet. He pinched the bridge of his nose, Hosea didn’t know what to do about Arthur. The teen had been letting his anger get the best of him more and more lately. Bessie was right, he needed another outlet, but the only things the kid seemed interested in were horses and fighting. He laid back, cradling his head in his arms.

“We could get him a horse?” Hosea mulled the idea over in his head. “No, then we would have another horse to take care of.”

Bessie chuckled lightly and snuffed the lantern, joining Hosea on the pallet. She kissed him gently on the cheek before resting her head against his chest.

“I may have an idea, I’ll talk to Arthur in the morning.” She felt Hosea’s arm snake around her, pulling her close and she hummed contently.

“What would I do without you?” Hosea said quietly, pressing a light kiss to the crown of her head.

-- || --

Arthur was a fairly early riser, the kid seemed to have a lot of trouble sleeping, and Bessie had taken advantage of the early morning peace more than a few times with him. He sat quietly, stoking the fire with a stick, the percolator bubbling with coffee he had undoubtedly brewed more than once this morning.

“Good morning, Arthur.” Bessie said softly so as not to spook him.

He looked up, dropping the stick into the flames. “Mornin’, missus Matthews.”

Bessie smiled and took a seat on a log near the fire, pulling out her journal. She flipped to an open page and began sketching quietly. Arthur watched her curiously, he had always wondered what she was putting in that journal. Hosea had gotten him one a while back to practice his writing, but what did he need that for? They were outlaws and crooks, so he hadn’t seen the point.

Her hands danced quickly across the page in long strokes, and Arthur found himself entranced. He wanted desperately to see what she was working on, what could possibly keep her interest, it was just writing, it wasn't like one of those fancy stories Hosea would get him.

He poured himself another coffee. “Ya want some coffee?”

Arthur held out a cup as Bessie looked up from her journal, laying her pencil down, she took the cup from him.

“Thank you, sweetheart.” She smiled, cradling the cup in her hands.

Arthur looked to the floor, a blush blooming across his cheeks. He cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck.

“No problem at all,” he muttered. “You workin’ on a story or something?” He glanced down at her journal.

Bessie took a sip from her cup, she had snagged him.

“Oh, just capturing the moment.” She said over the top of her cup. “I like to capture moments I want to look back on.” She motioned for Arthur to join her on the log.

He cocked an eyebrow, settling next to her. “Capturing the moment?” He furrowed his brow, looking down at her journal.

His eyes scanned the page, the camp was laid out roughly, the lake just beyond the tents a gentle mist etched over the water. He was there, tending to the fire, just like he had been when Bessie had joined him.

“You draw missus Matthews?” He asked, unable to take his eyes off the page. “Why?”

“Why not? I enjoy it. You ever tried?” She turned to a blank page, offering the journal to Arthur.

“When I was a kid,” he held up his hands, “but I ain’t ever seen the point.”

Bessie raised an eyebrow incredulously. She flipped the journal back to the beginning, running her fingers over the page to flatten it out.

Arthur’s eyes scanned down the page, he recognized the scene, the small town nestled in the valley as they had come through the mountains on their way east last spring. The sun had filtered through the clouds and the shadows danced through the valley. Arthur remembered that day, he had done his best to commit it to his memory. Beside the image was a page of beautifully written words, they looked nothing like Arthur’s own handwriting, sloppy and slanted and uncertain.

Bessie flipped the page, and he saw his own smiling face, holding up the rabbit from his first hunt with Hosea. They went through the journal, through each memory, so many that Arthur had forgotten. He looked up at Bessie as she flipped to a new page.

“I like to sketch out the good memories, ones I don’t want to ever forget. “I’ve learned something over all these years. Even your most life-changing memories fade with time. The ones you swore you’d never forget, might someday not be quite as clear. But if I sketch them, it’s like leaving myself an open window.”

Arthur traced his hand over one of the pages. He’d never thought about it like that, he’d forgotten about his first hunting trip with Hosea, it had seemed so long ago. They’d been spitting out birdshot all night. He was sure he had damn near chipped a tooth eating that rabbit, but it had been fun. He looked back up at Bessie.

“You think you could teach me to draw, miss Bessie?”

“Ain’t much to it,” she smiled, “just look at what’s around you and try and capture it on paper.”

She looked around camp, seeing the horses grazing lazily under some trees. Flipping to a new page in the journal she handed it to Arthur, pointing over to the herd.

“Draw what you see, let’s try with the horses. Just capture the shapes first.” She held out the pencil for him.

He took the pencil from her hesitantly, looking down at it in his hand.

“I can’t draw horses!”

“Have you tried?” Bessie countered, “Just try, break them down to shapes and go from there.”

Arthur huffed and put the pencil to the paper, looking up at the herd as they grazed. The pencil moved shakily across the page, trying his best to break down the shapes. Bessie smiled, watching as he worked. He was doing pretty well, each of the horses’ forms coming together on the page.

He felt her eyes on him and looked up, her smile reassuring him. He glanced again at the herd, who had started to stir as the sun climbed higher into the sky. He closed his eyes, biting his lip in concentration, willing the image of them as they were into his memory.

“Looks like your subjects are moving on.” Bessie placed her hand gently on his shoulder. “That’s okay, it happens like that sometimes. But if you get down the shapes, you can go back to it later.”

She stood, leaving Arthur with the journal as she went to start her chores. He had gotten a good start, his lines were a bit shaky but she expected as such. He had seemed so focused, the normal boundless morning energy of the teen quieted by the experience. She would check back with him in a bit, knowing how unsettling it can be to have someone standing over you while you work.

Arthur put the pencil to paper again, closing his eyes as he pulled up the image of the horses in his head. He sketched lines, following the shapes he had created, connecting them and fleshing them out to match what he saw in his mind.

He sat back and looking down at what he had done, the shaky lines and vague shapes made his heart sink. He flipped back to the image that Bessie had been working earlier, running his fingers over her smooth lines, her looping and elegant handwriting. The frustration started to bubble within him and he closed the journal.

“What you got there, Arthur?” Hosea poured himself a coffee.

“Oh, I--” Arthur’s hands moved to cover the journal.

“He asked me if I could teach him how to draw.” Bessie replied for him, hefting the stew pot from the fire.

Arthur scrambled to help her, taking the pot from her and delivering it to the butcher table.

“Is that so?” Hosea glanced slyly at Bessie.

“Ye-yeah! She is showing me how to draw horses! Though, can’t say I’m much good at it.” He picked the journal up off the ground offering it back to her.

“It’s just a matter of practice,” she took the book, “it’ll become second nature in no time.”

Bessie flipped through the pages, finding Arthur’s sketch. He had done much better than her first time, his lines were a bit uncertain, but they very much looked like horses, and he had been able to capture a decent amount before his subjects had moved on.

“This is a wonderful start, Arthur. I know exactly what I’m looking at! Which is more than I could say about Hosea’s first try.” Her lips curling into a mischievous smile.

“My dear, you wound me.” Hosea gasped, grabbing his chest dramatically.

“Hosea draws too?” Arthur furrowed his brow. “How come I ain’t ever seen you draw anything then?”

“Not my fault you never asked.” Hosea said dismissively, shrugging. “You finish up your chores this mornin’?”

“Yes, sir!”

“Want to go fishing with me? I’m sure Miss Bessie would love to change it up, and I could really go for some fish stew.” Hosea winked at Bessie and she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah!” Arthur said excitedly.

“Go get your things then, and get the horses ready.” He watched as Arthur scampered off before turning to Bessie.

“I can’t say I ever thought you’d get him to sit still for five minutes, let alone start drawing.” Hosea wrapped his arms around Bessie’s waist, peppering her neck with light kisses.

“He didn’t need much of a push, he’s really quite good. He has a good eye for detail.” She held up the journal for Hosea. “Those horses moved on shortly after he got the shapes down.”

Hosea chuckled, running his hand gently over the lines.

“Let’s hope he keeps with it. Maybe someday he can make a living out of it, get out of this life.”

-- || --

The afternoon had been quiet, the fish bit lazily at their lines and Hosea moved around the other side of the lake to see if he could have better luck. Arthur’s line moved slowly with the breeze. They had been at it for hours but only had a few small perch to show for it. Hosea had been convinced that this lake had some big bass, but they’d yet to pull a single one.

He liked these quiet afternoons with Hosea, the man had become something like a father to him. He wasn’t sure if fishing was his favorite, but Hosea loved it, and it got him time away from chores.

Arthur watched as Hosea cast his line into the clear water, the ripples reflecting the sun’s rays, creating a pattern of perfect rings on the glassy surface. His mind wandered back to what Bessie had said about why she kept a journal and he dug his rod into the soft earth near the water.

Reaching into his bag, he pulled out the journal that Hosea had given him back when they were teaching him to write. Flipping to a blank page near the back he settled down on one of the fallen logs by the shore to write.

Spent some time with Hosea today, I never know if the man is telling me the truth or spinning me a tale. But he’s kind to me, even when I don’t deserve it. I know he was madder than a tom cat yesterday that I got into that fight. Today we went fishing, not much biting, but that didn’t stop Hosea from having a good time.

I’m trying out this journal again, ain’t quite sure what to say, but missus Bessie says it’s a nice way to look back on things we may not always remember. So I’m gonna try.

Bessie is teaching me to draw. She draws the most beautiful pictures I’ve ever seen, and her handwriting is real pretty, nothing like my chicken scratch. Maybe she can teach me how to make them fancy looping letters, that’d be nice.

He sketched Hosea down near the water, the ripples from his line breaking up the surface of the lake. It was easier than the horses from earlier, Hosea had committed to his spot and only a light breeze blew through the trees and across the water.

The clicks of his reel pulled him out of the drawing and he looked up to see the tip of his rod arching toward the water. He snatched it up pulling back to set the hook, feeling the line go taut as the fish fought against him.

He pulled the fish from the water, it put up enough of a fight to draw Hosea’s attention and he had made his way back over.

“Looks like a decent fish, what you got there, Arthur?”

Arthur held up the fish, “Seems like maybe some kind of bass?”

Hosea clapped excitedly. “Our white whale!” He chuckled “Few more of those and we’ll have a proper stew!”

-- || --

“How’d that lead shake out?” Bessie looked up over the top of her journal as Hosea ducked into their tent.

“Looks promising. That couple is sitting on quite a bit of cash. I’m sure they wouldn’t miss some of it.” Hosea pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

“How’d Arthur do?” Bessie closed her journal as Hosea joined her on their palet.

“The kid should have been an actor.” Hosea smiled, leaning back.

Bessie glanced over, raising an eyebrow. Hosea sighed, knowing the look all too well.

“I shouldn’t have to say it, you know it’s true.” He rolled his eyes, trying to hide the smile.

“His improvement is amazing. The way he sees the world, I have never seen anything like it. It’s like he sees the world in pictures, that he can pull from with such incredible detail. He’s nearly filled that journal. I think it’s been good for him. To have a place to keep his thoughts.”

Hosea was quiet for a moment. Arthur had seemed calmer, the kid appeared to enjoy the journal, whatever he was putting in there. He had been a bit hesitant to ask him what he was doing, worried it would discourage him.

“I imagine it is, he’s a kid. We’re adults, he doesn’t have anyone his age to talk to, so an outlet probably does him some good.” He wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close. “You were right, per usual.”

She pressed a kiss to his jaw, closing her journal. “I know,” she said gently, wrapping her arm around him.

#rdr secret cupid 2021 #rdr2 #red dead redemption 2 #arthur morgan #hosea matthews #bessie matthews #rdr2 fanfic #fluff #horses #hyde tries writing #hyde draws shit

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killuwumi · 4 years ago

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Christmas with the BSD Cast!

a/n! Okay so I really wanna write a part two, so PLEASE if you want a character from BSD send me an ask, I know its close to the end of the holiday season but any requests are welcome! These are just my takes on how they’d spend the holidays!

Includes; Dazai, Atsushi, Ranpo, Kunikida, Yosano, Chuuya, Akutagawa, Oda.

some inspo credits to my friend theo! @theodora3022 bc our convos gave me lots of ideas !!

I believe there are a lot more fem!reader elements than I meant there to be, but I tried to keep it neutral I apologize!

Christmas with the BSD Cast PT2

Dazai;

-Definitely plays in the snow, can't change my mind.

-You'll probably be out around Yokohama looking at lights and seeing how pretty it is covered in snow.

-Makes you wear his coat around because he thinks you look adorable.

-Never wants you to be cold, and forces you to bundle up to the gods due to it.

-Takes you to cafes for hot chocolate (with Kunikida's money ofc). Also totally wants to go ice skating with you, because you just KNOW this man is graceful and he wants to teach you.

-He'd probably get you something you've been talking about all year but didn't realize it. Like a certain manga, pair of shoes, article of clothing etc. He's very observant. Maybe something to match with him :). He's much more about the experiences rather than the gift giving though.

Atsushi;

-He likes going out as well, but his favorite is when you stay inside with him.

-Wants to watch cheesy Hallmark movies with you because they're heartwarming.

-Definitely a big fan of helping you decorate his place for the holidays, since he's never done it before. His favorite is putting the lights up and watching them turn on after all the hard work!

-Buys you something comfy, like a comfort item. Maybe a teddy bear (tiger ofc) but probably not a tiger on purpose, and he won't realize why that's adorable until you tell him and he's a blushing mess.

Ranpo;

-Ever seen a bakery at Christmas? Well fear not, now you will.

-He's taking you to all the best places for Christmas themed snacks, and will most certainly buy Christmas cookies for you to bake while he sits on the counter watching you.

-Enjoys watching you dance around the kitchen to Christmas music, he could watch that all day.

-Ranpo is for sure taking you to spend time at the with Fukuzawa, because the two of you are very important to him. Look forward to fun dinners with the ADA.

-Most likely buys you books or art supplies if you do that. He loves when you sit at his desk with him when you visit and you read those predictable novels of yours. Definitely gets you a side present of a baking book on all his favorite snacks. ;)

Kunikida;

-Stays at home with you, holidays are hectic and he likes the peace and quiet of just relaxing with you at home.

-You probably eat popcorn and watch something while he goes over his schedule a billion times until you curl up next to him and he stops.

-Naps together! It's cold outside but the two of you can be warm together. He likes to cuddle you on the couch in front of the fire place.

-Gets you something simple and thoughtful, but practical. I could honestly see him getting you a bonus gift of a taser for when people get too creepy with you. But still gets you something more meaningful. Maybe a planner full of cute plan ideas for the two of you in the upcoming months.

Yosano;

-Shopping, tons of it.

-You are out at the mall with her a lot, hitting every sale and outlet there is. She likes buying you things, and you can pick things out for her in return.

-She doesn't mind the crowds, but if you do, she'll go at a later time when less people are out.

-Will never have you carrying bags, she'll drag someone who doesn't have plans along to carry the items.

-Christmas present is a fancy new outfit tailored just for you. She loves fashion, and if you share that love she is over the moon to get you whatever dress/outfit you want.

Chuuya;

-This man is not short on any money, so whatever you wanna do is on the table. He just wants to be around you at all times, that's all.

-Dinners are very important to him, so taking you to his favorite places or even cooking at home with you will be his favorite part.

-Likes to enjoy the finest wine with you in front of a warm fireplace, just cuddled next to each other.

-Matching pjs, do it, he'll pretend he hates it but he loves it. Thinks you both look amazing and will take pictures. Its going on his desk in a frame.

-Buys you whatever you look at for too long. He wants you to have everything you've ever wanted because he loves you.

-Totally the type to buy you a beautiful necklace or bracelet with his name on it. Not only is it hot af to him, he likes his name and knowing you wear it. Could buy you a whole ass vacation or car if you wanted, but he thinks its the little fancy things.

Akutagawa;

-When he sees you decorating home, he takes you to his office because he wants you to teach him how to decorate it. It will remind him of you when he has to go into work during December.

-You spend time with his fam! You enjoy being around them and visiting, maybe more than Akutagawa. Gin is always so sweet to you.

-Another at home kind of man. Everyone pushing and shoving him at stores while trying to get presents will result in murder, so he'd rather not. Got your present months in advance to avoid such nonsense.

-Lays in your lap on the couch and let's you tell him stories or just talks. Not a big fan of the movies because he thinks they're overrated, but loves hearing your voice. Play with his hair until you both fall asleep please.

-As for a gift, he had to ask Gin a lot of questions, reluctantly of course. She told him to maybe not get you a gun, and instead opt for something more meaningful.

-That's right, tiny Rashomon plushie, you adore his Rashomon and he was absolutely taken aback when you said it was cute. This plushie means the world to you.

Oda;

-To the orphans! He is so in awe when you play with the kids, whether it be tag or hide and seek. He loves taking you to see them.

-Probably takes you shopping, but the two of you are buying presents to donate and give to the kids that you two have basically adopted.

-Most likely to dress up as Santa for them, and in doing such makes you his Mrs. Claus.

-Takes you to the place where he realized he wanted to be a writer. The both of you just read, (or write) and on the way back home you enjoy a talk of books and fantasy worlds.

-Likes when you lean on his shoulder or lay in his lap, will watch or do whatever you want as long as you're happy.

-His gift was super handmade, a book of all the things you've done together, a scrapbook sort of. The kids probably helped him decorate it, but he wrote all the lovely words inside. Detailing how happy he is to be with you.

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clefairymuke · 4 years ago

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regrets | chapter four

prev. chapter | next chapter

pairings: levi ackerman x reader / eren jaeger x reader

themes: enemies to lovers, slowburn, angst, fluff, smut

tw: violence / explicit sexual content

word count: 2574

You sat next to Jean at lunch, picking at your soup. He was retelling the story of the fight with Eren for the second time that day, each iteration with growing exaggeration of how badly he kicked Eren's ass. You weren't really listening, though. You were mostly rewatching the events of last night in your mind, like you had been since you went to bed after leaving the stables.

Every few minutes, you would feel the tingle of eyes on you across the room. Eren was glancing up at you, either to smile, mock your expression, or just to hold your eyes for a brief moment. You would barely turn up the corners of your mouth in reply, knowing your face gave away the blushing mess you really were. You replayed your own personal highlight reel in your head yet again: the sparkle in his eyes as he pressed your foreheads together; his hair tickling your cheek as he nestled his face into your shoulder; the steam rising from his back when your fingernails raked against it.

"Are you listening?" Connie asked, breaking you from your trance. You wracked your brain trying to remember what they were discussing before Eren sent you to a distracted paradise.

"Yeah, Jean kicked Eren's ass. He already told us," you tried, your eyes falling when Connie looked at you with disappointment.

"No, I was asking you how yesterday went," he said, meeting your eyes expectantly.

You looked away quickly. "Yesterday? What do you mean?" How could they already know? They would never stop making fun of you for as long as you lived. Jean was probably going to cut your head off.

"With Captain Levi?" Connie reminded you, staring at you like you had gone nuts. "Are you all there today?"

You internally sighed with relief. "Not really, honestly. I was up half the night with the horses. Levi put me on stable duty for two weeks," you answered, quickly seeing that your friends were looking at you for more. "He tried to have me clean all the superior's suites, but when I went to clean his, he said I was being disrespectful and dismissed me before I even started," you snorted, seeing the look in Levi's eyes again as you told them what happened.

"What did you say to him to make him so angry?" Ymir asked, but Eren had begun to distract you again.

"I don't even remember, honestly," you replied, your eyes floating away to meet the green ones a few tables over.

---

ODM training was one of your least favorite things about the Survey Corps. It was like Commander Erwin ignored that it was practically half of your cadet training. It had never been hard for you; doing it so repetitively made you absolutely sick of it. Levi was leading training, perched on a branch to better see everyone. Every time you glanced at him, you wanted to barf. He, on the other hand, was paying no attention to you.

You sliced through another practice pad on a stupid wooden "titan." Sure, the fake titans were cool the first time, but once you had actually been face to face with one, it was nothing but funny. Still, you used it for an outlet for your anger. The only ones in front of you were Mikasa and Reiner, the three of you hardly leaving any practice pads for those behind you. You tried to push Levi's infuriating words and Eren's inviting glances from your mind and throw yourself wholly into the exercise. For whatever stupid reason, you wanted to show Levi that you were one of the best. Perhaps it was spite.

You landed on the ground at the end of the training course, taking a seat and getting some water as you, Mikasa, and Reiner waited for your remaining comrades. Bertholdt landed soon after you, followed by Eren. You looked down at your canteen, trying your best not to look at Eren as he presumably went to stand with Mikasa. He no longer made ignoring him an option, however, when he sat next to you and opened his canteen.

"Eren," you said, looking up to meet his eyes, "I don't feel like becoming Mikasa's punching bag today." You weren't looking at her, but you knew she was looking at you.

"She's harmless, don't worry. I was just wondering if you'd be at the stables again tonight." He took a long gulp of water and looked back at you.

"I'll be at the stables every night for two weeks, thanks to Levi," you said, a frown pulling at the corners of your mouth.

"It hasn't been much of a punishment so far, has it?" he asked smugly, his proud smile pulling a laugh out of you. "I'll meet you there again tonight. Don't try to kill me again?"

"No promises." Your smile faded as Jean landed. Eren spotted him too.

"I'll see you then," he told you quietly, brushing his hand over yours inconspicuously as he got up. He walked towards a glaring Mikasa with a grin, her eyes softening as he got closer. You realized that you felt bad for her; it was a shame Eren didn't feel the same way. Your musing about Mikasa was interrupted as Jean broke the short silence.

"What did he say to you?" he asked you curiously, taking the seat Eren had been in only moments before.

You quickly thought of a lie and answered, "He was supposed to be on stable duty this week. We ran into each other last night, so I sent him back to the dorms. He was asking if I was on stables the rest of the week or if he needed to come back tonight."

Jean nodded and drank from his canteen, leaning back on one hand. "I was wondering today when we would get to visit home again. It's getting kind of boring, staying here and training all the time, don't you think?"

You thought about that for a few moments. You didn't have a home anymore, or even a family. It must have slipped Jean's mind. If the Scouts were allowed leave, you would likely be staying with him, or just staying there. "I bet you miss your mom," you finally decided to say, avoiding the question altogether. You saw a look of realization on his face, and appreciated when he decided to ignore it.

"Yeah, sometimes. I mostly just miss waking up in my own room. Being surrounded by people at all times gets suffocating, you know? It seems like the good people are getting fewer and far between." You saw the frown on his face, and knew he was likely thinking about Marco.

You nudged his shoulder with yours. "I'm not going anywhere, big guy. As much as you might want me to." He looked down at you, grinning. He already knew that.

---

When you made it to the stables, Eren was already sat in the pile of hay the two of you laid in the night before. He greeted you and patted the spot next to him, motioning for you to sit down. The two of you talked meaninglessly for a while, tender touches and chaste kisses sprinkled in between words. After a while, he asked you to tell him about yourself.

"There isn't much to tell," you said, thinking.

"Well, where are you from? What's your family like?" he asked you innocently, his fingers tracing your knuckles.

"I don't like to talk about that stuff. After Wall Maria, I was the only one left in my family. Even Jean doesn't know where I'm from, or even my mom's name. I guess it's easier to pretend it never existed." You clenched your hand into a fist under Eren's fingers, clearly uncomfortable. You looked away from him.

"Let's skip that then. What's your favorite color?"

You laughed, relaxing. "I like green. Like grass and trees." You started to get embarrassed as you realized it was also the color of his eyes, but he didn't seem to notice.

"Mine is probably blue. Like the ocean."

"What's your happiest memory?" you asked him. The two of you went back and forth like that for what seemed like hours, pausing between to change how you were sitting, or laying, or just stopping to stare at each other for a few moments.

After some minutes of silence following your last answer, you laid on his chest with your eyes closed, listening to him breathe. Finally, he said, "My mom's name was Carla. She died at Wall Maria, too."

You were quiet for a few moments, then you said, "Did you see it happen?"

"Yeah." His chest grew tense. You were sure that if you looked up you would see the beginnings of tears pricking his eyes.

"You're like me, then." You ran your fingers across his ribs, trailing circles on his stomach. His arm grew tighter around you. You looked up at him slowly, meeting his bright green eyes that cut through the intense darkness outside. He removed his hand from where it rested on your stomach to cradle the back of your head, wrapping your hair in his fingers and pulling you closer to him. He kissed you, softly at first, but with growing passion as the kiss went on. His lips tasted sweet like watermelon, the salt from his skin being the perfect complement. He pulled you on top of him so that you were straddling him, letting his hands run down your back and up again, this time under your shirt. His hands were soft. He healed too quickly for the rough callouses that covered most of the Scouts' hands.

Your own hands were placed gently on either of his cheeks as he explored your body, soft fingertips tracing your spine, collarbones, breasts, stomach, and hipbones. Your breathing hitched as his lips moved to your neck, your fingers traveling to tangle themselves in his hair. You threw your head back and let a soft moan escape your lips. Without breaking his lips' hold on your neck, he gently flipped you so that you laid on the hay under him. He kissed down your collar bones, pausing for just a moment to lift your shirt over your head. When you tugged at the hem of his, he reached back and pulled it off in a single motion.

You loved the feeling of his skin on yours as he continued his path with his mouth, from your shoulder, to your clavicle, to your left breast. His lips attached to your nipple, suckling gently and letting his teeth graze it every once in a while. Your back arched, his name escaping your mouth almost silently. He kissed down your stomach and finally made it to the waistband of your pants, looking up at you with wide eyes and swollen lips. When you nodded, he unbuttoned them slowly, sliding them down your legs and placing them gently on the hay.

He placed methodical kisses on your inner thighs as you spread your legs, trailing upwards with each lick and bite. It felt like tiny shocks of electricity each time his warm mouth took your cold skin between his teeth. When his tongue finally landed on you, you were in ecstasy. You felt it shoot upwards through your body as he gently toyed with your clit, sucking softly as your hands found his hair. You kept trying to pull him closer, your hips rolling slightly to meet the intense pleasure at the source.

He moved his tongue against you for what you wished was forever, pressure swelling inside your core. His fingers slid into you with ease, your opening completely slick. He worked at your spot relentlessly, his long fingers twisting and bending to make your experience as pleasurable as possible. After a while, he gently pulled away, causing you to whine at the loss of sensation. Everything building up inside of you seemed to fade almost completely as he rose back up level with your eyes. His mouth was wet from you, glistening in the warm light of the lantern. Still, you leaned up and kissed him with as much as you could muster, your tongues falling recklessly in each others mouths as he used one arm to prop himself and the other to unbuckle his belt shakily. You reached down and finished the job quickly, yanking the buckle apart and sliding his pants down his hips.

You took him in one of your hands, stroking him softly has you continued to kiss him passionately. You bent your knees to allow him better access as you positioned him at your entrance. He took your other hand into his, placing it next to your head and interlocking your fingers tightly as he pushed into you slowly, whimpering quietly as he buried himself completely in you.

"Eren," you gasped, shocked at your sudden fullness like you hadn't been reliving it since last night. He nestled his face into your shoulder as he started to move back and forth, leaving chaste bites on your collar bone. He smelled like vanilla and sweat. It was currently your favorite scent in the world -- he was intoxicating like this; his body surrounded you in the most comforting, gentle way. Sex with him was a side you had never seen before; he was usually so grandiose and angry, but when he was intimate like this he was anything but. He was caring and gentle. He was a giver. He whimpered and moaned where you would expect grunts and groans. He would whisper your name over and over into your ear, like he was doing then. Your body would tingle with each time he said it, pushing you closer and closer to the edge.

He took his head from your shoulder and his hand from yours, pressing his lips against yours with pure desire. He hooked his arms under your knees, pulling you upwards. He created an angle that left you breathless as he thrusted into your spot relentlessly. Your fingernails found his back, leaving long scratches down either spot as steam rose and healed it almost immediately. He stifled your intense moans with his own mouth as he slipped his tongue between your teeth. He moved his lips to your neck yet again, letting your moans free as he let his own slip out. "Are you close?" he asked you, looking into your eyes for the first time since you had begun.

"Yes," you told him breathlessly, causing him to speed up and continue his assault on the most sensitive parts of your neck. All of the pressure building inside of you exploded in a second, sending volts of electricity through your whole body and his name out of your mouth with a string of expletives as you came, pulsing around him in ecstasy as his strokes became sloppy and out of rhythm. He kissed you as he pulled out of you quickly, releasing himself onto your stomach with a moan that sent vibrations across your lips.

When you managed to pull yourselves apart, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "I came prepared this time, love," he told you blissfully, wiping you clean. He threw the cloth to the side and slid his arms around you tightly, holding your head to his chest as you both caught your breath.

Stable duty wasn't half bad, after all.

#levi x reader #levi ackerman #levi attack on titan #aot #aot fanfiction #aot x reader #enemies to lovers #slowburn #eren x reader #eren jaeger #eren yeager #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #snk #snk x reader

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where-theres-smoak-2 · 4 years ago

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JATP Analysis/Theory: Alex and Carrie

I know I need to stop but I am having way too much fun overanalysing this show. Besides I promised you all a Alex and Carrie post so here it is. So my newest theory is kind of to do with the phantoms unfinished business. All through out season 1 there has been this theme of connection, Julie’s connection to the boys, their connection to Julie’s mum, Julie’s connection to her mum, Luke’s connection to his parents etc. We also know that the phantoms have some burnt bridges, with their parents and with Bobby. Julie too also has a broken bridge between her and Carrie. I think their unfinished business is to mend all of those broken relationships and reconnect with everyone. This is where I think Alex and Carrie come in.

I think that Alex and Carrie are going to be really important in reconnecting everyone and here is why I think that. I think you can draw alot of parallels between Alex and Carrie and I think the show producers have created these parallels because they want us to connect Alex and Carrie.

The first parallell is something I have spoken about before and I think it’s talked about alot in the fandom, but many of the characters in the show have a colour connected to them Alex and Carrie both have the same colour connected to them, pink.

In fact its very rare to see either of these characters not wearing pink, it happens occassionally but not very often. This is interesting considering on the surface these are very different characters.

But the colour pink had a lot of symbolism around it and even more interesting than that, different shades of pink have different meanings. Pink is made up from two colours, Red and White. Red symbolises, passion, energy, power and sometimes agression. White symbolises purtiy, morality and innocence. Obviously these are two contradicting colours but when you put them together the passion of red is softened by the purity of the white creating a calming, romantic and gentle loving colour. The more red in the pink the more energetic the colour.

Alex wears alot of light pink. Light pink is a much softer and calmer colour than the brighter pink that Carrie is often seen in. And that fits their individual personalities, Alex is a much calmer and softer person whereas Carrie is more engergetic and agressive. However pink is also a playful colour and I would say both characters have shown that playful side to them when Carrie performs and when Alex joined in with the dancing is one example. Pink also represents friendship, unconditional love, understanding and compassion. I think you could easily relate all of these things to Alex but you might have a harder time seeing Carrie that way. However I think from the fact that Julie used to be friends with her and that little clap at the end of Stand Tall she definitely has the capacity to be all of those things. I do think that clap at the end was the beginning of her redemption arc but that its going to take some time for her character to grow and I think Alex is going to play a big part in helping her with her journey.

Dancing is another thing that is similar between them. The both seem to really enjoy that aspect of performing. I do think that this love of dance could be what helps them connect in season 2. Alex is always shown to enjoy Dirty Candy’s performance and has joined in with the dancing both times. But they also seem to be wound tightly and often seen as tense or stressed. I do think that they both use dance as an outlet, its their way to let loose and just be themselves without any cares. I do think this could be something they’ll bond over.

So why is it important that Alex and Carrie make this connection? Well I personally think that out of the three boys Alex is the one that is going to be most willing to forgive Bobby. When they found out that Bobby had stolen their songs both Reggie and Luke had very specific reasons for being angry about it. Luke was angry because if he had been given credit then his parents would have known his dreams were worth chasing. Reggie was angry because if Bobby had given them credit then some of the money would have gone to their families and maybe his family wouldn’t have had their house turned into a bike shed. But Alex never gives a specific reason for being angry therefore I think he’ll be the one most likely to be willing to sit down and chat with Bobby and listen to his side of the story. I think it’ll be through Carrie that Bobby and Alex will reconnect. I spoke in another post (here if you like dot read it) about how alot of the characters have a necklace that they always wear and the symbolism behind those necklaces. Alex always wears a gold chain which as I said in that other post, chains have been a symbol of everlasting love and life since ancient times, its the circle that never ends. Gold is also a symbol of purity, illumination, love, compassion, courage, passion, magic, and wisdom. Again all of these things are very similar to what the colour pink represents. What’s interesting to me is that even though Carrie doesn’t have a necklace that she never ever takes off she does have one that she wears more often than any others and like Alex this is a gold chain or rather two gold chains.

Also if you look at the picture on the right where she has pink hair you can see she is wearing another necklace on top of the two gold chains. Now I’m not an expert on designer jewellery but I know there is a brand that is like known for its panther/ leopard necklaces called cartier. I’m pretty sure that’s what the other necklace is. I do think this is obviously suppose to show Carrie’s wealth, gold is also a symbol of wealth and glamour which is probably why alot of Carrie’s jewellery is gold. But it is interesting that it is a cat necklace, again in that other post I talked about cat imagery in the show and how Flynn is often seen in animal prints and has cat imagery associated with her. Cat’s in alot of cultures are guardians to the underworld and spirits. This necklace isn’t the only instance that we see Carrie with cat imagery in Edge of Great she is wearing a leopard print pale pink outfit.

Although there is nowhere near as much of this cat/ leopard imagery with Carrie as there is Flynn I do still think this represents that Carrie will also like Flynn will be on team phantoms at some point and like Flynn will act in a helper/ protector capacity.

Staying on the subject of cats though there is something else I want to talk about. Like I said I think mending their relationship with Bobby is going to be a big part of completing the phantoms unfinished business. Well I didn’t notice this until @this-is-a-name-dont-worry pointed it out to me but like the rest of the boys Bobby also has a necklace that he wears all the time and whch he was wearing in 1995 and 2020.

I spent ages trying to figure out what the hell his necklace was because in most shots it just looks like a hunk of silver metal. But I finally figured it out and I’m 99% sure that its a lion.

Sorry about the quality of the picture it’s as clear as I could get it. I’ve tried to make the features a little bit clearer by outlining them. The red dots are the eyes, the orange circle is where the nose and open mouth is and then the mane is outlined in brown. Also like Carrie and Flynn he has been seen wearing leopard print. This makes Bobby the third person to be associated with cats of some kind and what is also interesting is that all three characters are lifers. But the Lion holds a even more special symbolism. Most of the characters can be divided into being more connected to Julie/ lifers or to the Phantoms/ afterlife. For example Willie and Caleb are very much connected to the Phantoms and the afterlife. But Flynn and Carrie are much more connected to Julie and life. However you could argue that Bobby is that one character that is very much in both worlds. He is very connected and was a big part of the phantoms lives but he was also quite a big part of Julie’s life and is very much connected to her and the living through Carrie. The interesting thing is that Lions are neither nocturnal (active at night) or diurnal (active during the day) but are sort of inbetween. Night time in many cultures is symbolic of magic and the afterlife, the haunting hour as Caleb put it. Daytime is very much the time of the living so its interesting to me that Bobby has a necklace that is the image of a animal that is part of both worlds just as he is. Also as a slight sidenote I do have a new maybe not theory but headcanon, all four boys from sunset curve each have a necklace that is unique to them and that they never take off, I like to think that they all brought the necklaces together, maybe at a stall or something and that they are a symbol of their friendship kinda like friendship bracelets but as necklaces. Still its really interesting to me that Bobby never took that necklace off. Anyway back on track I think the fact that all three of these characters have associasions with cats makes me think that each of them will be instrumental in helping the phantoms complete their unfinished business, especially as cats are often not just depicted as protectors for spirits in the afterlife but as guides. I think each of them is kind of like a roadmarker on the journey to the phantoms completing their unfinished business.

Ok so going back to Alex and Carrie and why I think Alex will be an important part of Carrie’s character development and redemption arc. In episode 6 there is that truly iconic scene where Dirty Candy is performing and Alex ends up joining them on stage. During the dance Alex passes through Carrie twice. When Ray passed through Reggie, Reggie then formed an attatchment to Ray. The same thing happened between Julie and Luke they formed a deep connection. Obviously I do think that there were other factors than just they passed though them but I do think its significant and its for that reason that I think that Alex and Carrie will form a bond. Also from Reggie’s comment about being able to tell that Ray has a good heart and the looks on Julie and Lukes faces it seems like they can sense the other persons I don’t know personality or maybe even their soul, maybe when passing through for a moment your souls connect who knows. I think Carrie has alot of issues, clearly, but I think underneath all that she is actually more like Alex than we know, a gentle, sweet girl. I think this is something that Alex sensed and that he is going to help her get back to who she used to be and help her reconnect with Julie. I do think Carrie and Julie’s story is the same as Bobby and Luke’s/the Phantoms. I think like Bobby, Carrie has a deep rooted jealousy of Julie. I think that Carrie has a love for music and wants to be successful in the industry and she probably feels a bit like she’s in her father’s shadow and that there’s alot of pressure on her to succeed because of how successful her father is. Although she is good I do think she probably feels like she is constantly outshone by Julie and that Julie’s talent comes really easily to her. Like her father I think she was given an opportunity, I spose you could call it, by death more specifically Julie’s mum’s death. I think with Julie being unable to sing or play music Carrie was suddenly getting alot more attention but like Bobby I think she has alot of conflicted feelings about it because although she is now getting more success she is grieving for someone who has passed. It must be a very conflicting feeling and I think that is why she is so moved in Stand Tall because I do think she had a bond with Rose and just didn’t know how to deal with her dying. Also as another little detail during that scene Carrie isn’t in pink but is wearing a dress that is covered in hearts.

I think this is suppose to symbolise how her heart is opening up. But the really interesting thing is that the hearts are coloured pink, red and blue which are the colours of the boys maybe this is an indication that the boys will be helping open her heart or that she will help open theirs to forgiveness for bobby.

Another sign that Carrie might be getting a redemption arc is that in episode 6 again during that scene where she performs all eyes on me she is wearing a pendant of Saturn.

Saturn is symbolic of transition and transformation. I think the message here is clear that Carrie is going to go through a change. As I said I think Alex will play a big part in that. Part of the reason why I think that is because I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Carrie is wearing the Saturn pendant at the same time that Alex joins in with the dance and passes through Carrie. Also I think its significant that the song that Alex joins in with is All Eyes On Me. Again in that other post I talked about how I actually thought the song was telling the story of what happened between Bobby and the boys. Like I said Carrie and Julie’s situation I think is the same. I think just as Alex was interfering and making the dance better (because you know he made it better as fantastic as it already was) he is going to be ‘interfering’ and making Carrie and Julie’s relationship better and then as a result of that Carrie is going to help heal things with her father.

Ok this one even I will admit is a bit of a stretch but it popped into my head so I figured I’d add in. But in episode 9 when Caleb gives the Phantoms new threads each of them have, well I’m not sure exactly what they are but lets go with brooch. I don’t know if there is any significance to Luke’s and Reggie’s because I haven’t been able to get a clear enough image of them yet but this one is Alex’s.

Alex has a cross and a chain that curves like a crescent. The symbol for saturn is this.

Obviously its not the identical but I can’t help but think they look similar. The other interesting thing is that the Saturn symbol is made up of two components a cross and a scythe. Saturn is symbolic not just of change and transformation but with death, or more specifically death’s scythe. I don’t know I just thought it was interesting and if his brooch is suppose to represent the symbol for Saturn then that means that both Alex and Carrie have worn jewellery associated with Saturn. I do think that both of them will grow and change. I also think it would be really interesting to see these two getting to know each other and them bonding. I’d love to see a dance scene with them both. You know one where Carrie knows he’s there and can interact with him.

So yeah that was my incoherrent ramblings about Alex and Carrie with a side of Bobby. Now all I need is for Netlfix to renew the show for a 2nd season already.

#jatp speculation #julie and the phantoms #alex mercer #carrie wilson #jatp

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prose-for-hire · 4 years ago

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I know what you did last Halloween...

Part Two // Part Three // Part Four

Pairing: Scooby gang x reader (platonic)

This is a platonic story with the reader as part of the Scooby gang. Set season 3. It’s going to be a small multi-parted serial killer/slasher fic for Halloween. Reader lives with Giles, but is not related. The deaths in this part are not described in much detail.

Not sure how popular it’ll be with you guys, but I’ve enjoyed writing it so far !! 🖤🦇

Warning: It is a serial killer fic, main characters are going to die (I’m sorry, it’s Halloween). Violence. Blood mention. Threat.

Sunnydale Scare? Scythe-wielding killer strikes again

Sunnydale Express, October 1999.

Sunnydale High school, not used to such horror inflicted on their student body since Principal Flutie’s unfortunate death in office [His memorial will be on the 31st as his family reveal it was his favorite time of year].

The scythe-wielding killer, who was seen wearing all-black with a festive mask, has claimed his most recent victims. Two members of the swim team found themselves in hot water after they were found with brutal and fatal injuries. The wounds matched the scythe that is commonly associated with the widely termed ‘Sunnydale slasher’.

It makes us wonder at the Sunnydale Express, why and how this idyllic town has managed to create such a monster?

You and the Scoobies were good friends. You helped save the world more than once whilst fighting algebra homework and Principal Snyder. You had moved from your hometown to Sunnydale at the same time as Buffy, meeting her on your first day and becoming best friends since that day. You had moved into Giles’ spare room after your parents had wanted to move on again. You had been sucked into the slaying and you couldn’t leave the others. Giles had been very accommodating and very much like a parental figure. Things had been going well, you were close to graduating and finally getting the hell out of there until one life-changing event that would forever be ingrained in your minds.

You and your friends were sat around the school canteen. The mood was pretty low and you were collectively checking over your shoulders every so often. You had been discussing the latest spate of murders. Surprisingly, it was widely covered by various news outlets and hadn’t been brushed under the rug as the usual demon relating killings were.

Buffy and Faith had been doing double patrolling, making sure there was always someone out after dark. Giles had been pleased but he wasn’t aware of the real reason. Although he had noted a difference in your mood in the past year. Despite the extra patrolling, no matter how many demon-snitches they beat up and threatened, there was no changing the answer they didn’t want to hear.

“So this… slasher? He’s-it’s-she’s-?” Xander spluttered through the pronouns in his disbelief.

“Yep. Human” Buffy shrugged, sighing and staring down at her food. Nobody had eaten anything. The lunch you all had set out in front of you was just for show. None of you could stomach much at the moment.

“Shouldn’t we have found them by now?” Willow wondered, her brow furrowing in frustration.

“It could be anyone. And I’m guessing they’re not exactly wearing their ‘I’m a killer come catch me’ sweater”

“Yeah, Giles says he’s gonna look into it, but unless it says ‘Scythe killer was here’ in one of those big old books…” You tail off as Buffy picks up your sentence.

“We’ve got zip. Nothing” Buffy nodded again. Conversation then turned. You had been in a deep discussion of something in low murmurs, that was until your best friends boyfriend walked in. A dead silence blanketed your table.

“The blank stares and silence make me feel at home” oz deadpanned and you all laughed slightly too loud at this. He squinted around the room, shrugged and then kissed Willow’s forehead before staring around at the odd vibe. He had noticed that none of you had been the same for at least a year, but anytime he tried to talk to Willow about it she just shook her head vigorously and locked herself in a different room until he dropped it.

“Well, I have some place to be that’s else. Or about three tables that way” He gestured with his head to where one of his bandmates were sat. Willow assured him she would come over and sit with them in a minute. After you finished a very important conversation.

“I can’t do this anymore, lying to him hurts my heart” Willow said sadly, shifting uncomfortably as if her heart was physically aching her, “I have to tell him”

“And how’re you gonna do that exactly, Will? Oh, hey there Oz remember last Halloween, well we-” Xander cut in harshly, trying to make Will be realistic.

“Stop it! We can’t talk about this here. Anyone could overhear, they already suspect I’m a slayer” Buffy said firmly.

“We have big mouths, sorry” You shrug, smiling tightly.

“This isn’t funny!” She snapped, the events of last year had her wound even more tightly than usual. She had more responsibility than she could handle on her shoulders as it was, let alone this secret weighing down on her like a

“I’m not laughing, Buff… I’m sorry” You whisper. You did feel guilty. You felt horrible. Some nights you barely slept, and when you did you had these horrible nightmares.

Oh, right. That guy that you killed. Well, it was a total accident and you were all very sorry at the time. I mean, you still are. But, thing is, you just didn’t happen to tell anyone or alert the correct authorities. Must have slipped your mind.

Let me paint the picture in case you managed to forget…

Last Halloween, you and your friends had been attending a Halloween party. Your collective night off from saving the world. Oz, who didn’t appear to be wearing a costume, had explained it was a shindig and you had all enjoyed the live music and spooky theme. Even Buffy had managed to relax.

Buffy had chosen little red riding hood and Willow was dressed as a knight in historically accurate chainmail. Cordelia was a cat, it was the back-up she always had in case her first choice fell through. She had shrugged, at least she looked good in it. You had decided on a werewolf, after apologising profusely to Oz who didn’t appear phased.

Xander was walking around in a karate outfit, something about being inspired by the copious violence he enjoyed on screen. Every so often he did a karate chop in mid-air and you and your friends would share a collective eye roll. Especially when he chopped some jock guy that he spent the rest of the evening hiding from. Whereas Faith was wearing as little as possible and appeared to be dressed as herself.

The band was playing decent music and the atmosphere was electric. You and Buffy had danced together while Willow and Xander laughed by the punch bowl. Out of nowhere, Faith joined the both of you and muscled you out of the way to dance with Buffy. You rolled your eyes, but knew better than to make a fuss so you went back to your other friends and joined them in conversation.

Buffy had borrowed her Mom’s car and had sneaked out while Joyce was sleeping. Joyce had been feeling a little under the weather and hadn’t noticed. When it was time to leave, she drove (badly) through the streets to drop everyone home. Oz was doing another set and would get a ride with the rest of his band.

You were squished in the back with Cordy, Xander and Willow. Faith had called shotgun. There were more people than there should be, with Cordy sitting precariously on Xander’s lap. It meant you and Willow were crushed together sharing an annoyed look as the pair continued to kiss.

Buffy looked out of the side window for a nicer view and managed to hit something in the road. You all screamed as she broke suddenly. You had hit something. Something big. You all got out to investigate and saw that it was a man. You went and shook his shoulder and he immediately sat up and grabbed at you. His grip tight and strong. You screamed as you looked at his face, there were fangs and his face looked bumpy. The others saw it too and Buffy pulled you away as Faith moved in and staked him.

The man struggled for a moment before going still. Blood had started to run from his heart and the stake that had been stabbed through it. You all just stared.

“W-why isn’t he going poof?” Willow whispered as you all just stared in horror. He had been human after all.

“It was a costume!” You shrieked in horror. Everyone’s blood turned cold.

“We’ll have to bury him” Faith said quickly. Xander stayed silent, his eyes glazed in fear.

“We can’t!” Buffy said firmly.

“Look, it’s that or another stint in juvey and I’m not goin’ back there” Faith muttered and you all frowned, having not realised she had ever been.

“I think we should see if he has any ID, maybe we could-” You started, Willow nodding along.

“No, Faith’s right. We bury him” Xander said suddenly.

“Who made you decision-gal?” Buffy said, her usual fun language lost on the moment as she stared through Faith.

“I’m a slayer too, B. You’re not the boss” Faith tilted her head to the side and shrugged. You paused, thinking it over for a while.

“Buff, we can’t risk it. You and Faith are needed here – we can’t go to prison” You sigh, not sure if you fully believed what you were saying.

“Th-that’s actually true…” Willow said eventually, not looking anyone in the eye. It was hurting her conscience.

But that’s what you decided. For better or worse. You were all complicit now as you put him in the trunk and buried him in the graveyard in the early hours of the morning.

Nobody spoke as the sun started to rise and the plot you had chosen was no longer vacant. It had been hard to come to terms with ever since.

Missing – have you seen this man?

Sunnydale Express, 1998. November 2nd.

Mr Bates of Sunnydale California has been missing since Halloween night. Last seen leaving a party in the early hours. His wife and children are anticipating his return, although with the current rate of people vanishing often with no trace the Express, with their condolences, fears that Mr Bates may be one of a hundred Sunnydale citizens on Halloween night that will never return to their families.

This begs the question, where are all the missing going? Sunnydale has one of the largest cases of missing persons never being found in the state of California and statistics suggest it has the highest number compared to towns in neighboring states.

It had been a few days and something had shifted. Your friend’s mood was lower than ever and you were really worried about her. The guilt was eating away at her. It was so bad she finally had to talk to someone about it. Buffy was the most outwardly guilty one of you all. Covering for this went against everything she believed in. Fought for. Which is why she was probably being targeted the most.

You closed your locker and jumped, she had been standing behind it, waiting for you to notice her. She gave you an apologetic glance but still asked, “Hey, y/n, can we talk?”

“Sure, I didn’t wanna go to English anyway” You smile at her as you walk to the usual place under the stairwell you would hide when you needed to talk. She pressed a note into your hand which you unfolded and read:

‘I know what you did last Halloween…’

You gasped, looking around before looking back at her for some kind of explanation, “It was in my history textbook, so, it might have been there for at least a month” Buffy said “Did you get one?” she whispered. You shook your head, nobody had left anything for you. You would remember. Buffy’s note struck a sense of fear you hadn’t felt since that night. A bubbling guilt that was squeezing your insides and threatening to spill them out. You had felt numb since then, unable to cry or even think about the events.

“We need to tell someone. Maybe Giles? I can see how much this is killing you, Buff…” You say, trying to comfort your friend the best way you knew how.

“I know, I try and I try but I can’t tell him. He’ll get all moral and Giles-y”

“Maybe we need that. What we did was stupid, but still an accident. I wish I had never agreed with Faith” You muttered as Buffy nodded along silently. She wished you hadn’t agreed with Faith too, you had been the type people came with for answers. Advice. So you agreeing with Faith was probably the deciding vote. She told you she would meet you later and appeared to be in deep thought as she walked away.

Willow and Cordy looked spooked, sitting down silently during the break between classes. Their notes had fallen out of their lockers and they were afraid they had been seen picking them up. Buffy revealed to the others hers had said the same thing just as Xander ran in, very visibly panicking and checking behind him with every step he took.

He just slammed the note in the middle of the table without comment. He had nothing he could say. No jokes could mask the horror that came with

“That settles it. We go to Giles” Buffy said firmly.

“No-” Xander tried to assert, but he was outvoted this time.

“We have to. He’ll help us, I know he will” You confirmed, “Walk home with me tonight, we’ll tell him then” This was to give you some time. None of you could face going to the library for the rest of the day.

The bell rang and it felt as if it were tolling for a funeral march. The walk to Giles’ house was slow. You had swung by Faith’s motel on your way, taking a detour as you explained you would have to tell him. She surprisingly didn’t put much of an argument against.

The door creaked open and you shouted to announce your presence. But when you get there, you felt it instantly. You dropped your bags and walked into the living room. Every step felt heavy and echoed around the room.

There he was. On the floor. Surrounded in his own blood.

Your knees buckled and you had to steady yourself against the sofa. The blood-stained sofa. Someone’s arms held you up. There were gasps and mutters but your ears were ringing, you felt very far away. He was cold, his body mutilated.

It took you longer than the others to see the new centrepiece of the room.

‘I know what you did last Halloween’ was written in what could only have been Giles’ blood smeared across the wall of his living room. It was your warning. Your note.

A warning that turned your stomach. Knocked you all sick. He was one of you and he was gone. You tuned back into the conversation around you after having stared at the words. The words meant for you. Every time you blinked, those words were now stamped into your vision.

“It’s the same thing that was written on the notes”

“Oh, I got one of those but I threw it in the trash” Faith shrugged, but she wavered. This was hard to look at.

“We’ll have to clean it up” Xander said flatly. Gesturing at the writing.

“What?! We can’t-”

“Xander Harris, your brain is barely functional anyway - but this is totally the worst thing that’s come out of your mouth!” She shouted, her voice getting higher as she continued, “I am not cleaning the bloody writing off our dead librarians wall!” She warned. They had broken up since everything had happened. Everyone collectively winced as she said Giles was dead. It hurt. It sliced too close to the bone. At least when it had been a stranger, there was some degree of separation. But now it was even worse.

“They’ll know or start to look into it - we gotta do it”

You stayed silent this time, every time someone’s eyes looked at you you kept your expression blank. Until you were handed a cloth and some bleach and you grimaced but followed the others. Cordy joined you, nodding her understanding at your blank look. She took the cloth and the liquid from your shaking hands and started to help with the clean up.

Teen scream

Sunnydale Express, October 1999.

Reports of a large number of young people are now rejecting the upcoming holiday in an attempt to preserve their lives. Many say that this is a kneejerk reaction and that many will lose out of the best years of their lives to fear – which is what the killer will want.

Despite this, there has been a curfew agreed amongst the young people of the town and the Mayor’s office, reports suggest. Time will tell if this will be kept or if it another attempt by those cautious to get a re-election rather than improving the spate of missing persons that has only doubled since the year previous.

You were all waking in a group. You couldn’t face staying at Giles’ place so you were going to stay over at Buffy’s for the night. There was still an argument going on around you that you weren’t listening to. Faith had lit up a cigarette and kept telling everyone to calm down. That nobody could know or people would be hauling you all off to jail. That you had chosen the right thing.

“I’m sick of you all, I’m going out. There’s a party down the block. Anyone coming?” She looks around. This, you had heard. You shrug, resigning yourself to it. You made plans based on alibis now. With this cynical thought, you manage to convince everyone else to come too. You never know, it might relax them.

...Or not.

You and the others all sat around in silence as the bass, and Faith, jumped around you. You barely spoke, you just stared into your cups. There had been some hugging when you first left the house but since then you all felt so alone. So disconnected despite being in this together. What you had chosen to do didn’t feel right and without your constant, your compass that had been Giles you didn’t know what to do.

“Hey, man, it’s not Halloween yet!” Someone shouted. It caught all of your attention. A collective feeling of dread. That had been before all of the screaming had started.

The figure loomed over you. Everything about him screamed menacing. He frightened you more than any demon. He was stood in a Grim reaper costume, complete with blood stained scythe. He turned, spotting you finally. He had been slicing kids down as he walked. He wasn’t aiming, just wildly enjoying the chaos he caused.

He stopped in the centre of the room, facing the group of you that had just risen to your feet. He pointed. He stood still and pointed at you all. The Scooby gang.

In that moment, you knew. You knew he was the one that was taunting you. And so did every one else.

“Well, one of us has a brief scythe of life” Buffy stated, “…and it isn’t me” She ran at him, her fists raised as Faith came up behind her. In the chaos it was hard to see what was happening, all you could feel was this descending feeling of foreboding. You knew it had happened before you saw it.

To be continued…

42 notes · View notes

popculturebuffet · 4 years ago

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Top 13 Venture Bros Episodes!

In honor of it’s recent passing I take a look at the best episodes of easily one of the best adult animated, or animated period, shows ever and one of my faviorites. Join me as I look back on Grand Galactic High Inquistors, Venturestiens, ninja filled first dates, Noir, super science garage sales and much more under the cut, and GO TEAM VENTURE!

As I said in the teaser.. the Venture Bros is one of my favorite shows of all time. Starting way back in 2003, the show created by Jackson “Christopher Mculloch” Publick and from mid season 1 onwards cowritten, plotted and what have you by his best friend and creative soulmate Doc Hammer, the show enjoyed a healthy 17 year run on adult swim, making it the longest standing show and despite the years of hiatuses between episodes it’s most popular till Rick and Morty came around. The show endured through changing trends in animation, network shifts and scabies until it’s recently announced, though apparently having happened months ago, cancellation. I watched the show from the start, sneaking it as a boy and by my teen years watching it every week online through Adult Swim’s website and lapping up every episode, becoming a huge fan in the process and continuing my huge love of the series through the rest of it’s life, breifly forgetting to watch season 6 but getting back to it weekly for the 7th, and currently unless adult swim does indeed find a way to bring it back, final season. This show has been a part of my life since it started, and a part of me for slightly less long: it informed my sense of humor, probably informed my comics taste in ragtag groups consiting of lesser known characters, and informed me david bowie existed for which my life will ever be better. It was a part of me and while I gave it a breif memorial earlier I felt after my long content hiatus due to my moven to another room, and for the 1 of you reading this who reads my amphibia weekly coverage it’ll be back shortly, that honoring a show that gave me so much and made me who I am, in a good way I know i’m kind of a mess so that statment could be seen as a threat in some states, by diving into my faviorite episodes of it and the ones I honeslty consider i’ts finest half hours.. or hours in two cases but we’ll get to that.

For now it’s time to have your ro-bo pour you a red mocho cooler, slap on your vintage batman mask, and eat some pennies quizboys, this is my top 13 venture bros episodes. Pitter Patter!

13. It Happening One Night (Season 6, Episode 6)

Season 6 had a huge burst of fresh energy and ideas: Doc and Jackson moved the show to New York for a number of reasons: To shake things up, because they lived there and thus could inject the energy of a city they loved in and because one of the series biggets inspriations is marvel comics, as seen by the sheer number of marvel parodies and homages in comparison to dc or other superhero outlets, so having New York be the big hub for superhero and villian activity in the ventureverse was a no brainer. This also moved the ventures from an isolated corner of the Ventureverse on their old compound, which burned down in the gargantua 2 special, right into the heart of it, bringing in tons of new characters to the already large cast. Not only that but it thrust our heroes and villian protaganists both into new and intresting situations: Doctor Venture was suddenly rich and running his own think tank with white and billy. Dean was going to college, Hank found a love intrest in Serena, more on that obviously in a second, Brock returned to the team proper as bodyguard once more, while the Monarch grappled with both his father being a hero and his wife being promoted and their marraige hitting choppy waters. It had great new characters like warina and serena, brought fan faviorite brown widow in if not as much as i’d like frankly, but there’s always room for nathan fillion, and freshened things up a bit. Granted one of Venture Bros biggest strengths was it didn’t have the rigid status quo, or entire lack of any continuity a lot of animated shows at the time and even now have, that things changed and evolved and the universe was dense as it was wonderful. But here instead of just moving the pieces around the board and maybe slapping on some new coats of pait, they threw the board up and put the pieces on an enitrley new one. However all this experimentation did nick the show a little: while it was a step up from the rather standard outside of Dean’s plot Season 5 (which not concendtially is the only season not represented here), it also felt like the plots were a bit looser and some characters like Dermott and Dr. Orpheous, one of whom had a huge untouched subplot and the other who was a beloved fan faviorite and fixture of the show since season 1, got left out all together. It was a decent season it just felt lacking at times, and the Monarch and Shielda’s relationship disolving wasn’t at all fun to watch and thankfully got resolved next season. And that was the other problem: Due to wanting to give their big epic finale the room it needed and only having 8 episodes to work with due to the special, they had to move it to next season which meant it just sorta.. ended with most things left unresolved till season 7. Thankfully for me I didn’t get around to watching this season till close to 7, but for everyone else they had to wait YEARS for a proper resolution. It was a mixed bag of a season, the mass changes leading to growing pains, but it had it’s moments. And naturally our one season 6 representivie here is it’s finest.

It Happening One Night juggles two diffrent but equally awesome plots. In the first Hank goes on his first date with Serena, their new next door neighbor and daughter of big villain in town, new councilman and combination of kingpin and tobias whale, Wide Whale. Serena was one of the best additions to the series, voiced by a game Cristini Miloti, she’s a no nonsense girl with a sharp tounge, an annoyance with her father and his number 2 rocko’s overprotectivness of her and gills and meshes well with hank: Her no nonsense and more down to earth attitude compliments his up int he clouds weirdness and lack of reality really well and the two were cute together. Were... while they’d do.. things I did not like.. with her character next season, for this one she’s great and a fine addition and it was nice to give one of the boys a proper love interest, while also having her be her own person. Sure all her plots centered around hank.. but she still felt like a fully realized addition to the cast and given this was over a decade in with so many great members it wasn’t an easy task. The date is paticuarlly hank as he has a carraige (his air car) ready, has dean chauffer them, has Billy and White show up as street toughs to challenge him to a dance off and dinner is at a ninja themed restraunt Dean’s friend Jared, aka brown widow, works at. It’s really adorable and charming stuff, and the two genuinely bond, and Hank gets some good character stuff. He genuinely worries Serena is only intrested to piss off her dad.. but fins she likes him for who he is: his charm, his lack of fear, and the fact he went so far for a romantic gesture he had his friends dress up as street toughs, or the hank venture idea of one anyway, and get into a dance off just to impress. her. it’s really good stuff. The Ninja themed restraunt is also both hilarious and apparently a very real thing the creators actually toned down. I’m unsuprised by all of this. The two also dodge their bodyguards, Brock and Rocco and share a romantic kiss underwater leading to the above. It’s a really good plot and the easy reason why I put it on here and defintely a review cantidate. The other plot however is just pure comedy and invention. While the Monarch works on his plan to use his dad’s blue morpho guise to take out the other arches on his way to venture, Venture is plauged by the utterly bizzare and utterly delightful Doom Factory: A combination of Andy Warhol and his hangers on and the legion of doom... yes this actually happened. While I know nothing of Warhol and thus a lot of it flew over my head, it’s made up for by the sheer joyous lunacy of having the art school version of the legion of doom arch rusty by invading his house, throwing a party and taking various pictures of him in his underwear. The one mistep of the episode is them getting blown up at the end despite being great, but their one apperance was a treat, and it was such a great and bizzarely speific parody I couldn’t help but love it. It was a good night indeed.

12. Tag Sale, You’re It! (Season 1, Episode 6 (10 in airing order) Season 1 of The Venture Bros is a bit rocky. It’s not unusual for season 1′s but it’s understandable, espcesially now i’ve read Go Team Venture!: The Art of the Venture Bros, the art book for the series as well as a full on making of for seasons 1-6, and know the team was under immense crunch to get the season done and is likely the reason every season after had a few years between them. But yeah at the start the series was more of a broad comedy, with the characters being the simiplest versions of their characters, the boys in paticular only having “jock and nerd” as things that defined them as seperate people early on and it took a bit for things to come together. However things really started to crystalize into what the show would truly be with two episodes. One we’ll get to later but the other is this one: Tag Sale Your It. Tag Sale started one of my faviorite recurring themes for the series: Venture Compound Episodes. Basically their episodes where a huge pile of the shows cast get together at the venture compound for whatever reason and chaos, great jokes and great worldbuilding inveitbly insues. It’s good stuff. And it’s usually centerted around a great concept. In this case all the villians and heroes of the world are gathering at the Venture Compound for of all things, a Garage Sale. Or Tag Sale as it’s called in the title or Yard Sale as Venutre himself calls it. In order to make a quick buck and get rid of some of his dad’s excess scientific wonders, Rusty’s sellling them off to whatever weirdo wants em. it’s an utterly hilarious concept, with Brock complaning about the security risk and the fact Doc is entirely convinced this won’t go horribly wrong despite the fact he has a bargin bin for death rays, one of my faviorite gags of the episode. But there’s still plenty of sense here too: There’s what i’m presuming are OSI agents on standbye, who also screen the various villians to have them check their weapons.

The episode also opens the cast up considerably introducing Phantom Limb, and fleshing out Billy and Pete, as well as being the episode where two of the casts standouts came into their own as 21 and 24 go off on their own misadventur where 21 uses the monarchs money to buy what turns out ot bea non working lightsaber and tries to fight brock in one of the best scenes of the episode. Speaking of the Monarch, . The Monarch himself is there to cause miscihief, as usual, as well as have his minons buy him some stuff because he’s not going to miss a bargin, and finds himself struggling to get his hate boner up in a neat subplot, eventually acheiving it even if it gets him stuck to the celing However the other two subplots really shine. Orpheous in a micro plot, and after yelling at Dr. Venture for trying to sell the weed wacker he borrowed from Oprheous, tries to get his own nemisis, a thread that would continue at the end of the season and into the next, having a ghost slap the monarch ot try and get him to become Orpheous arch and telling various villians he’s blasting who they can blame if they want to swear vegnance. It’s short but really funny. The other however is my faviorite and the plot that really set up hank’s bizzarely and uniquely him personality, which would be expanded on more as the show went on. Annoyed that their dad is selling their old things and getting the money, Hank decides to get him and Dean a piece of the action and sets up his own grinder and lemonade stand, Hank Co, starting the sparkling runner of his bizzare personal buisness, and while the lemonade stand is standard kids stuff, the added oddly specific addition of grinders is what makes it hank as is his oddly agreesive managment style. Dean ends up working for him alongside HELPEr, while Dean awkwardly talks up Orpheous daughter triana. More on that whole thing in a later entry, with Triana joining in. It’s just a fun side bit that ends hilariously as, when the sale cascades into an orgy of violence as it was always destined to, the rest of the team book it while Hank definatly refuses to get knocked down before a shoe hits him.

IT’s a damn fun time that sets up the backbone of the show’s universe. Nuff Said.

11. Pinstripes and Poltergeists (Season 4, Episode 8) Season 4 is easily my faviorite season hands down, and in my opinion the best, in part helped by the fact it’s the longest and thus had the most time to work on it. Like season 6, if on a smaller scale, it threw up the table. While Season 2 and 3 had status quo changes, the Monarch being on his own without the guild or dr girlfriend and then the newly married couple being forced to arch eleswhere this one had probably the biggets shakeups: Brock Sampson left team venture, and was MIA for all but two episodes of the first half, Sgt. Hatred took over as boydguard a move that wasn’t one of there best as while Hatred could be funny at times.. replacing one of the show’s most beloved and most iconic characters with a reformed pedophile who fans already didn’t like all that much in season 3 wasn’t one of Jackson and Doc’s smarter moves let’s be honest. Again he has his moments, but he just wasn’t as compelling or well fleshed out as the rest of hte main cast, helper included. The other big swing, one admitted in the making of art book that was an intentional risk, was killing off 24, half of the beloved buddy duo of 21 and 24. However this one paid off way better, as 21, while still a husky dork who loves his crappy job, reinvented himself in the wake of hte tragedy, turning a lot of his blubber into muscle (And I say that as a chub myself, so relax), and becoming the badass drill seargent of the cocoon. But both big changes expertly dovetailed into this episode which explains where brock was after the premiere. The ball gets rolling when the Monarch goes to see Monstroso, a great addition to the series and the sum of all evil lawyer jokes, a lawyer in a pinstripe suit and small devil hood who makes deals with other supervillians, in this case to buy up part of the venture compound to take it from Rusty. Naturally making a deal with a lawyer super villian who dresses like the devil, every bit of that sentence a red flag, goes poorly. As Shiela points out in one of the series best lines as she berates her husband’s terrible decision making “Monstro’s a lawyer that’s also a super villian. That’s like a shark with a rocket launcher strapped to his head, and the monstroso plans to take the monarch’s stuff as well. It falls to 21 to stop him and 21 is on the venture compound to find our missiing sampson and get answers on who killed his best friend, whose also following him around possibly as a ghost/hallucination. Speaking of Brock, when exploring a shack on the edge of the property to use it for stuff, Rusty finds instead the base for SPHINX, consiting of Hunter Gathers (Who I hope gets to retransition someday), gay icon Shore Leave, and Brock Himself. Turns out Brocks literally been right there, SPHINX Just needed to stay secret and the pain of not being able to see the boys has seriously hurt brock. And naturally this deal will impact spinix, so they send brock to deal with it. This leads to the best part of the episode as the above episode gets a callback as 21 challenges brock to a fight.. and to show how far he’s come, instead of becoming a bloody pile on the lawn, fights EVENELY with brock freaking sampson. After it’s confirmed brock has nothing to do with it and 21 and him have wiggle room to operate, the two go after monstroso who next we see needs heart surgery so mission acomplished. This episode is light on jokes, apart from a great one where rusty tells the boys everything before mindwiping them, but good on character stuffs as we find out where Brocks been, meet some good new supporting cast and see just how far 21′s come, and close out the first half of a stellar season iwth a great scene of Brock eating cereal, finally allowed to be part of his family again.

10. Viva Los Muertos! (Season 2, Episode 11) Season 2 was easily where the show hit it’s stride. While Season 1 is going through growing pains Season 2 has all the setup, half planned ideas and what not mostly out of the way to just focus on building up the world, and characters as well as playing around with things and having the first instance of the show’s refusal to have a set status quo by having the Monarch’s breakup iwth Shiela stick until the end of the season. More on that later. However some experimentation still happened as something that would likely NEVER happen from this point on happened. See the Venture Bros is very much Jackson and Doc’s baby. While Jackson created it, Doc because just as important and the two share one giant geeky brain. WHile they may argue on some things, the two still agree on most stuff and thus the project has their unified vision of this weirdly specific superhero universe that’s mainly focused on what would be prehriay characters leftover from a one time genre experiment and supervillians. While the staff on the show clearly enjoyed working on it far as I can tell an dare celebrated in the making of when credit’s do, the writing and worldbuilding is on two guy’s shoulders, an absolute rarity in animation let alone of a project with this gorgeous and detailed animation. But for three episodes the two did let someone in.. it’s just someone who not only got exactly what htey were going for but was their friend and mentor who helped nurture their talents on the tick. Ben Edlund. If you haven’t heard of Ben first off shame on you and second, he’s the creator of the Tick, writing the original comics series and having a major hand in all three series, all of which are unsuprisingly stellar, and having brought jackson and doc on board for 2/3 of them, likely only not bringing them to the Amazon one because by this point they’d far outgrown being writters on someone elses show. He also created supernatural and left long before it became a tire fire so there’s that. I need to watch that sometime. Point is he’s a big deal and helped write two episodes and wrote this one Solo. And this one is easily the best of the three and given it’s on this list one of the series best. The episode has Doc have another great idea in the Zack Morris with mad scientest abilities veign he always have: Take the parts of one of hte monarch’s dead henchman, as brock tends to leave piles around, into a “Venturestein’ and sell it to the goverment. While the simple man bonds with the boys, he cowers in fear of brock, who is forced to grapple with his violent nature and deeds and goes to Orpheous spirtial gathering fors some perspective. It’s a nice subplot that has some character development before a spirit vision of hunter gathers convinces him he can’t get caught up in killing people when it’s hwat he goods at. Brock meets him halfway, deciding he can’t feel entirely guilty but he can help the guy and gets Venturestein some “prostitoots!” he’s been wanting since apparnelty the henchman he was made out of really liked htem. The concept of venturestein himself is neat, from the idea of reusing old henchman to him using the boys learning beds to learn about the third world and be indocrinated for third world labor, as was Doc’s orginal plan. The other plot which dovetalls into venture steins is another great one as The Groovy Gang, the show’s answer to mystery inc arrives. And in a great idea by Edlund.. their all based on various serial killers, with leader ted being baised on ted bundy and being unerviing as he speaks cherfully while threanting the rest of hte gang, the shaggy stand in being a stand in for the son of sam and the only one that can hear groovy talk who rather than be an adorable dog, talks like a nightmarish german man, the daphne standin is clearly kidnapped and the velma one valries acts like valrie solanis. It’s creepy stuff but it’s also funny because theys till include hannah barbara sound effects, including when Venturestein in a ptsd fueld rage kills ted, not-shaggy and groovy> It’s a horrible but great scene and a great concept that just works. They also tie in the boys being clones by having it revealed one of their deaths was caused by Sonny, finalylr emembered his name, and Ted wanting to kill them. The boys end up finding their clones too, but Doc spins them a yarn to get by and is kept from kiling them. Not much to say, outside of brocks bit this isn’t huge on character but the sheer balls of the scooby doo parody and the sheer amount of jokes and creativity here make Edlund’s sole solo outing a true highlight.

9. The Inamorata Consequence (Season 7, Episode 5)

The likely final compound episode and a welcome return after season 6 lacked theme entirely, and as I established earlier the compound isn’t required it’s just where most of these take place. Season 7 was a good note to go out on. While I still want closure, after the forgetable Season 5 and the fresh but messy Season 6, 7 was almost pure goodness, with most of the episodes being standouts and the premire trilogy wrapping up the dangling threads from season 6 being a highlight, if not enough to make this list but it was a tight list as is. It had it’s flaws: The “Serena Cheats on Hank with Dean thing” was not only horribly underdeveloped but basically wrote off one of their best new characters. Her and hank breaking up and her dating dean is fine, relationships end and stuff, it was just done poorly. Even if Hank found out because a scary man in a bear costume literally carried him to a convience store and then to Dean which was great as was the button on that plot of, after Dean and Serena naturally react to the guy “Oh good you see him too. “ The Unicorn in Captivity is also a series low point despite having mark freaking hamil guest star, for a number of reasons i’ll probably get into one of these days either on a worst of list for this show or it’s own review. But those blemishes don’t overide a great season that makes up for Oprehous and Dermott’s absensces by bringing both back for an episode, has some true classics, some great character stuff and in general is just really good and it was hard to cut a lot of it from this list, but two made it. And it was nice to see the show go out on top if nothing else.

So onto this episode which has a brilliant complex: Every exty years the Guild and the OSI meet to hash out the details of their mututal treaty with a Venture prociding and with Jonas now well and truly dead, and missing before that, it falls on Rusty. and since it was made before the compound burned down, our heroes returned to the charred remains of their home to hash things out. The episode then nicely settles into 3 really excellent plots. The first is the obvious, the peace treaty which has the Council of 13, who in a delebrate move by the creators went from a bunch of faceless nobodies who were killed off to characters we all knew, versus our standard stable of OSI recureerers as the two bicker over terms and we find out one of the conflict settlers is a pool fight, done without a pool since that’s gone now. It’s just pure comedy goodness, but it ends with the rare unequivoocable VICTORY for Rusty. Fed up with both sides acting like children, and even calling them such, as well as both threatning war, he gives one hell of a speech to both to shut them up and for once in his life does BETTER than his father.

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It’s easily James Urbanik’s finest hour as the character and one of the series best moments which, 17 years in, is a high achievement. The other two plots aren’t too shabby themselves. The second is an overlap as Hank gets lured away from the confrence by an old friend: IT’S DERMOTT! The dynamic duo rides again and their old dynamic of two dumbasses, one a normal teen but entirely full of himself the other being a cloudcuckoolander with little self awarness but more empathy and sometimes sense, is one I really missed and it shines here. Dermott’s joined the OSI, with Rusty giving him a recomendation as long as he didn’t tell anyone else he was his son, or at least it’s implied as much, finally buttoning up that bit while leaving it open for hank to find out later, and a bit that also was never resolved and hopefully will be by a follow up, especially since Dean revealed in the series finale he found out from his dad a while back while rusty was hammered. They follow kimberly mcmanus and one of the strangers, the guilds soldiers who are engaging in a clandestine affair.. which also reveals that the stranger is the peril partnerships mole in the guild, a nice twist. The two have fun chemistry and it’s great ot see them again just like it’s great to see hank and dermott pal around again with the highlight being hanks utterly bizzare and utterly hank fantasy sequence. Rounding out the three is a more emotional tale as Dean sneaks off to see an old friend, Ben the genetisct who worked with his father and grandfather at various points and revealed to dean he was a clone. Ben is gone, either due to Doc and Jackson not wanting to use him, or because JK simmons was unvaliable and unlike dr. impossible and steven colbert, they didn’t want to recast. But we do get a great substitute as we meet H.E.L.P.er 2, a household model voiced by Rhys Darby who Ben left behind on his trip. As it turns out Jonas tried mass marketing H.E.L.P.er units (With the equally unsurprisingly sexist tag line of “Get a H.E.L.P.er to Help Her!”), but a baby choked on a stray bolt and a the ensuing backlash lead to mass burnings and most being destroyed and the one we meat being a nervous wreck that Ben took in. Dean naturally sees himself in the scared bot and while he fails to get his new friend to be able to leave, H2 is too nervous about possibly being destroyed and given the uncaring nature of the venture world sometimes yeah probably a good point, he does bond with dean.. and reveal that Rusty himself is a clone by accident. IT’s a nice twist that makes perfect since: While we don’t know if Rusty knows the tech was used on him most of his stuff , with few exceptions is old equipment of his dad’s. It’s not a stretch that his greatest invention was actually Jonas’. It also leads to a nice moment as dean hugs his dad, understanding him a bit better. It’s a funny, well done episode that lets doc and sons really shine. Truly a great way fo ra great theme to go out.

8. The Buddy System (Season 3, Episode 5) Time for a sentimental favorite. See while I watched bits of seasons 1 and 2 when they aired, and more of 2 then I realized, I didn’t get really hooked on the show till season 3.. and this was the episode that did it. The ones before are far from bad, Shadowman 9 was a contender for this list after all, this is just the one that really got me into the show, showing off it’s varied supporting cast, bringing in one or two more, and really getting me into dean.. and Dean and Triana shipping but I can get into that, again, more on that later. Given this and Fallen Arches were early faviorites it’s no suprise compound episodes became my faviorites and this one is easily the second best of em, with one more coming up topping it handily. But enough showing my hand, let’s talk about Season 3. Season 3 is a slight mixed bag, as some episodes don’t land, but overall is a really good season, it’s just sandwitched between the shows too best. But it did have good ideas, great world building and a hell of a cliffhanger. Some decisions, like Sgt. Hatred, weren’t the best, but overall a solid season, just like 3 it only managed to squeak out one entry, though TONS of possible cantidates. This episode has a great premise from the get go: Rusty, for once, has a decent idea. Yes it still results in a child dying and being replaced by a clone, but this is rusty. If something didn’t go terribly wrong on some level it wouldn’t be him. But the idea is simple: Since the cartoon based on his nightmarish childhood, which made him a minor celebrity and is why billy likes Rusty so much and looks up to him despite being.. Rusty, is a hit with the kids again, Rusty launches a day camp on the grounds, using his boys as counslers and having his various friends and aquantinces set up booths. From Orpheous and the order of the triad doing an anti drug presentation to the sea captain talking about the benefits of being a scooby doo villian, to Action Johnny, the series version of Johnny Quest renamed to avoid copyrights but very obviously Johnny Quest, whose strung out on drugs and can’t go a few minutes without going into a breakdown about his father or past. All good stuff. It actuallyg oes pretty well till rusty makes the mistake of going into an old thing of his d ad’s without checking and a gorilla monster attacks and gets the one child left behind, thankfully off screen, but it leads to the darkly hilarious bit of him rushing a clone out for his parents to avoid a justified law suit.

Meanwhile the boys and brock deal with a new figure in their lives: Dermott Fictel. As the creators put it they basically desgined him as that one kid everyone knows who talks shit, thinks he’s way more capable than he is, and way more knowledgble than he is and is kinda dopey. I had one of those, i’m sure you did too, and that’s probably part of why I really liked Dermott as I knew a guy just like him. Hank naturally, not having had any friends other than dean and H.E.L.P.er, bonds with the prick and the two become best friends right away. Dean however hates the little asshole for both constantly shit talking him and just being obnoxious. Brock soon joins the hate train as Dermott invades his karate demonstration to talk about how much of a badass he thinks he is and learned from the internet. Brock soon finds himself asking the age old question.

But since his code avoids women and children, he tries to find ways around it but Orpheous obviously isn’t having it. His other option is to go to the Monarch’s minons the Pupa Twins, aka the Moppets, Shiela’s old minons who the monarch’s basically stuck with and no one really liked in or out of universe. Their just assholes who treat 21 and 24 and the monarch himself like crap and are thankfully downplayed in Season 4, and only appear in Season 5 to die off and close up a plot thread. But credit where it’s due they did get one good bit, creepy as it may be and it’s this.

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With the Monarch not allowed to arch venture at the time due to plot stuff, the monarch’s mostly spying and sending the pupa twins in as spies which as you can see dosen’t really go well. Everything converges on the finale, as Rusty, again being rusty even when he’s mildly ahead child aside he still screws up, brings in Johnny’s old enemy Dr. Z, who like dermott is important but it’d take till the end of Season 5 for that. Johnny breaks down, Venture’s current nemisis arrives and finds there was a scheduling error and hten we get the crowning moment of the episode that makes it all come together magically: Dean gets to sit with Triana, whose actually being receptive to his crush for once, but also has to put up with Dermott.. who being Dermott, especially early dermott is an obnoxious jackass who makes creepy coments abotu Trianna and eventually sets Dean off

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Dermott doesn’t even get two seconds into telling Triana to wait naked for him, because of course he does before dean utterly destroys him. This being Dean, it’s with tears and snot running and coming off like an angry 8 year old, but he still deserves points for utterly decimating the asshole after a full day of taking his self indulgant bullcrap and having the guy be creepy to his crush. And to be fair Triana was dealing with him fine, but still Dean beat up someone twice his size and while lacking any actual fighting skill with at least enough bulk to beat him up and gave the fucker a black eye. Until season 7 with him just paying off the monarch to save his teacher from making a huge mistake, and to show how fed up he was, this was easily Dean’s best moment. Just a great capper to a great episode. Also Dermott turns out to be, possibly brocks son but.. more on that later.

7. Mid-Life Chrysalis (Season 1, Episode 3 (8 in Airing Order) As I said earlier Season 1 was a bit rough, though as all of you probably know most 1st seasons are, especially in animation. It takes time to iron out what really works for a show and get it going right. Bojack Horseman, while still excellent, took the first few episodes to really become what it was born to be, Steven Universe season 1a lacks the deep characterization of the main cast that and has loosey goosey animation, Ducktales had trouble character ballancing and ballancing adventure with deconstruction of adventure.. every show has growing pains. And while season 1 does have too much of the show basically trying to scream

Like some adult cartoons do, and not even it’s contepraries like sealab and harvey birdman did as much, both excellent excellent shows by the way. But even with my criticsims of it: Flat characters, a try hard tone, clumsy worldbulding in places.. it’s still a good show even this early and even as early as episode 3, with the first two being good.. but this one being an utter classic. It dosen’t QUITE have the emotoinal or character depth of later episodes but damn if it isn’t one of the funniest things the crew ever wrote.

Mid-Life’s two main plots are simple and start from the cold open: The Ventures get pulled over while on the way to an adventure by the air force, and Doc and Brock both encounter problems: Rusty being Rusty, his is petty and self loathing based as he gets called old or something like that by one of the air force people. Brock’s is a bit more serious: In a funny bit Brock LITERALLY has a legal lisence to kill, but given the burarcaey of the venture world, it’s expired. So we get our two main plots out of that: Rusty wants to prove he’s not old and still got it by dragging a sad Brock to a strip club. Brock is miserable as the owner mocks him, and he can’t kill him so there’s that and his attempt to have a quickie with a stripper fails because it’s just not the same without his murder boner apparently. Look as I said the show was a wee bit immature early on.. it never stopped being mind you it just became more goofily immature than screaming i’m an adult. Brock leaves in a huff which leaves Rusty open for the oldest trick in the book as the Monarch sends Shiela in in disguise to seduce him, go back to his place, and then stick him with a syringe full of science that turns him into a caterpillar because this is the monarch. Subtly is not even a suite of his let alone his strong suite. Though this also being the Monarch we only get a bit where he watches as the two make out, which is creepy as that sounds until a minon randomly turns out the lights and apolgoizes. He was getting juice. The episode also nicely parodies the trope of a female spy or whatever turning for the hero because of his dick as The Monarch assumes that happen when Shiela has doubts about the scheme, that he “turend her with his oily sex” which is an objectively horrible and paranoid statment but also incredibly hilarious. Thus the plots split and we get two really hilarious one: On Brocks end he with the boys encouragment, decides to retake his secret agent exam. And both boys really come into their own with this one: Dean’s adorably nerdy and sweet sides come out as he both encourages his second dad and helps him on the written portions, while hanks gung ho hankness emerges in full as he helps train brock, having him drink eggs that he probably spat in and in one of the best bits of the episode going a bit too far with the drill sgt routine till Brock helpfully points out he’ll legally be able to kill after this. The solution is also great as Brock not only avoids using his fire arm during one of the tests, instead uttelry decismating the target cutouts with just his kinfe and whatever he can rig up, and just scribbling icarus from the led zepplin albums on his test.. only for his proctor to pass him anyway as his dad and osi boss general treister, who we meet later, described brock as a living legend, and he did not dissapoint. And we get a great closer, after the main plto finsihes, where Brock shows the strip club asshole his fresh lisence before maiming him.. though even better, he DOSEN’T kill the guy as the asshole does show up again later, just missing an eye now.

Back on our main plot we get plenty of hilarious and messed up stuff as the boys barely react to their dad’s horrible state, their numb at this point, and doc gives out the classic line and easily the best of the episode “I pissed in god’s eye, and he blinked”. Doc tries to cure himself and fails both due to caterpillar hands and due to helper eating the chemicals, and tries to get helper to help him reinact the end of the fly. All good stuff. It’s just a good, solid comedy episode that both solidifies the character and makes you laugh near constantly.

6. The Terminus Mandate (Season 7, Episode 8) One of the best parts of the post Garantua shakeup of the show was the new council. After years of the council of 13 just being guys behind silouttes, mantle and dragoon nonwishtanding, Jackson and Doc replaced most of them with familiar charcters and gave a ton of them chances to shine while bringing in new ones like wide whale and easily their best later creation Red Death, more on him in a minute. It gave us a nice workplace dynamic and really made the guild pop more than ever. And this episode showcases this marvelously by giving the new council the spotlight. In this one the Council find that there’s an old mandate that means they must stop active arching in order to retain their spots, something they all agree to and thus leads to an episode of each of the council having one last ride as each are given an envelope of who their last arch is. And each is hilaroius, some even heartfelt, creative and fleshes out some of them. Going down the list, leaving out Shiela and Red death who has a more involved subplot for hers and has some other buisness entirely we’ll get to: Phantom Limb: Has, in a great gag, a literal dick measuring contest with Hunter Gathers. Just a simple effective gag. Radical Left: Is merged with his old arch enemy Right Wing so they simply play clue. Wide Whale: Has the least funny or enteratining but still entresting as he and his old arch are now friends and the guy even plays cards with Rocco, so rather than poision the well he just sends Rocco to rough him up a bit for old times sake, then take him to dinner. Dr. Z: Reminces with Action Johnny, the two considering each other family at this point and the two have a really nice moment with Johnny in rehab finally getting help that’s actually really touching and really nice to see.. though we also get an utterly fantastic bit where they recreate an actual scene from Johnny Quest but with Z lampshading how stupid everyone’s being.

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And finally we get Mantle and Dragoon, who spend the night binging tv and eating a ton, my mood and general schedule, afraid to open their envelope only to celebrate when they do and find their arches are all dead. Red Death meanwhile has buisness to take care of. Since I dind’t include Red Means stop on here I’d just like to talk about how much I love the guy. Voiced by clancy brown death is an old school legend in the guild whose great at arching, has a great gimmick.,. but can switch from horribly threatning monster to aflrable nice and loving family man, having a younger wife and a daughter whose utterly adorable and shares his face. He even wanted the guild spot simply so he could basically retire, get the nice pension plan and salary that comes with the guild without the rigors of regular arching having long settled things with his own arch by murdering him> he’s an utterly inspired edition and the crew, and fans, loved him enough he became a recurrer this season.

And his bit is both awesome and utterly terrifying: earlier the guild tried to parlay with rivals the peril partnership in order to stop the bleeding on their end, but their represntive, Blind Rage, a hilariously broey version of Daredevil, instead mocks and direspects them and is in general a pissant. So rather than do an arch, since he’s done with that anyway, Death evens the score in one of the shows best scenes, which like the rusty one above is an acomplishment years in and is an utterly terrifying and awesome villian scene.

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Clancy Brown is a fucking master at this. and it showss. As for Shiela her bit ends up tying into the Venture Family’s plot for the evening: Rusty courts a black widow, Teresa Diade because getting laid outweighs the possibility of death and we get a a great bit of dean pretending to be her as the family preps him. Naturally he bungles it because he takes too much anti venom, but Teresa turns out to be a former superhero, probably what actually happened to her husbands, and Shielias arch during her breif solo career. Though instead of an arching, though she try, Shiela instead breaks down over the stress of this, over possibly giving up arching with her husband for her career, and the two share a nice moment. I mean she still takes Diade’s wallet because she’s a villian after all but it’s a nice one and an emotoinal moment. She takes the job as revealed later of course, because even of this probably hurts the Monarch’s feelings a bit he wants what’s best for her. Because they have a damn good marriage again. overally a really inventive, hilarious episode and one fo the show’s finest hurrahs as it approached an untimley end.

5. Everybody Comes to Hanks (Season 4, Episode 12)

Season 4 as I said was my faviorite and one of it’s highlights was the duo of Bright Lights Dean City, which BARELY didn’t make this list, and Everbody Comes to Hanks. The two episodes followed the same period of time from the perspectives of each brother: Dean has an internship in new york city and Rusty’s bumming along, though being a dick he wants hank to have a job by the time he gets back. Hank, in a classic hank move, expands Hank Co from an ocasional name for his buisnesses to a full on department store with a restraunt and detective agency because of course he has those. It honestly reminds me of me: Even as a teen I was the kind of goofus who’d do this sort of elaborate stuff. But at the same time it shows hank’s best trait and the one that most people underestimate: his ingniuity and imagination. Sure the guy’s off in his own world, as am I, and it’s his charm, but when push comes to shove he can bust out a wacky scheme, save his family from danger or as seen earlier this list pull out a 3 point romantic gesture. The guy may be kinda dumb, int he best way, but he’s got the natural talent for the superhero/supervillian game and clearly wants to be his own bizzare version of batman, which I hope he gets to be and I prefer over the theroy he’ll be a villian. Sure it makes SOME sense.. but frankly hank’s good heart and love of theatrics and lack of care about the jackasses meancing his dad make him a way better superhero.

Anyways naturally said detective agency leads to both a noir homage, complete with lack of color and a case: Dermott, who at this point’s a bit more symapthetic, wants to know if brock’s really his dad or not and hires his best bud to do it. Hank also gets a partner in one fo the show’s best recurrers, the Alchemist, ba dah!, Orpheous’ best friend, teammate, sarcasm machine and out and proud magic guy voiced perfectly by Dana Snyder. He’s a good counterpart to Orpheous, sarcastic down to earth and fun loving to the more serious and full of himself Orhpeous and since Triana moving out in our next entry, has been Orpheous’ roomate and bored since he’s now in the middle of nowhere, so he’s eager to jump into Hank’s nonsense. What follows is a compelling detective story as Hank finds out Brock never slept with Dermott’s mom, and tries to find the real one.. and ends up stumbling upon the solution upon hooking up with Dermott’s older sister Nikki... which quickly goes sideways as he finds out not only is she twice his age, and even without that he’s still a minor and this is still creepy.. but she’s Dermott’s mom.. and RUSTY’S his father, with Dermott’s mom who raised him being his grandma. It’s a hell of a reveal that throws up the table both on Dermott’s relationship with Hank and the chraracter as a whole and has a great flashback where we find out how something this effed up happened and it’s incredibly well acted. It’s good stuff. Hank uses SPHYNX”s mindwipe machine on himself, since getting laid or not, which being hank he dosen’t see the problems with how it happened as long as he dosen’t know, sends a total recall esque message to himself on his watch so he knwos he got laid, jut not the horirble, horrible details. And I like that , unlike say Phineas and Ferb Across the Second dimension’s bullshit reset ending, this dosen’t erase the impact of things. Not hank loosing his virgnity that’s meaningless I mean Dermott. He’s still there, it jsut left at ticking time bomb of when that reveal’s going to go off, and added an intresting new dynamic that I hope if the show continues somehow gets explored. A masterful, fun and suprisingly disturbing episode, everybody should come to hanks. Also as one last post note i’d be remiss if I forgot the great bit of Hatred saying they only serve eggs at hanks cafe.

4. The Better Man (Season 4, Episode 7)

Now we get to Dr. Orpheous, who unsuprisingly is a faviorite of mine. While I wasn’t a big Dr. Strange fan till reading the old lee and ditko stuff, I was always a fan of Orpheous, a hammy divorced dad who will give fighting the hordes of hell the same gravitas as getting junk mail, putting some punks souls in a homies figurine, and venture stealing his weedwacker. He’s a truly loveable character, a silver age pompus style hero in a world he dosen’t quite fit, with more power and competence than most venture bros protaganists, but still having things thta hold him back: while he’s good at his job his own drive and self importance drove away his ex wife and leaves him with not much in his life other than his daughter. And for the first time in the series he’s forced to face his wife leaving him for another man when said man shows up : The Outrider, a seemingly cooler mystic hero whose better at both being a husband and being a sorecer and stops some creature The Order of the Triad fights after their arch torrid sumons him. Orpheous stews over this a bit and after failing to make hisown doorway to hell t one up his non-arch nemisis, visits another classic character for the series: the Master. Voiced by Voice Acting Maestro John Benjamin, pre his biggest roles with archer and bob’s burgers but post his breakout with home movies. The Master is a no nonsense mystic entity who loves taking the piss out of orpheous and loves his student even if Orpheous agrviates him. He also has a neat visual habit of showing up in a diffrent shapeshifted form each time to teach his pupil a lesson.. and to do weird sex stuff because he can multi task and we see Trainai’s mom for the first time, though with the master just using the form to taunt Orpheous on his personal failings as usual but has a good point. Soon however the group returns to the portal from hell and find Torrid and Outrider.. and torid explodes and sends the rider to hell, forcing Orpheous and co to rescue him, with Orpheous finding out via a clue from the master that the outrider embeded an artifact in his head to travel between worlds, the one thing orpheous could never master, as a shortcut.. and said thing gets al and orpheous stuck with the outrider. There we see the contrast: Orpheous is indeed the better sorcerer.. but the outrider’s the better husband and while if his wife cheated on him that’s fucking terrible, it’s clear he didn’t STEAL Tatiana so much as she left Orpheous for someone that geniuinely appricated her. The hatched it buried and it’s godo character work. Speaking of which we get to Jefferson Twilight, a blade parody who hunts Blackulas (his words and leads to a great moment in his debut where a supervillian tries to find a more pc term for it but Jefferson poitns out since he primarly hutns oversea “African americian” dosen’t really work), and the guy on the team reguarly compalning about having no magic ability.. but who finds he CAN move between worlds and astral project, to his delight and Al’s annoyance. It’s an adorable and well won moment as he finaly finds SOMETHING magic he can do. The other plot, which dovetails nicely into Orpheous concerns Dean’s longstanding crush on Triana, another pin to pull from earlier this list. I shipped them when I was younger but this episode, and one coming up on this list, pointed out how it jsut didn’t work: Dean’s naivite combined with his lack of making a move just didn’t mesh with her. IT’s something the creators agreed on realizing they just had no use for Triana, but both hating the cliche of a character just vanishing and thus giving her a proper sendoff instead. Dean tries to move on after another unsucessful attempt to talk her up, with Hank and Dermott playing his wingmen, unsucessfully but Dean actually hits it off with a girl.. a girl we never see again but still and Dermott actually offers sound advice for once.. which given events before and after this prompts Dean to quip “better check the temprature in hell”. He just says to take things slow and just call the girl, maybe ask her out, don’t overblow it again or try too hard. It’s good stuff and like our last entry deepens the character a bit by showing that he’s not always a dumbass. Just mostly. On Triana’s end she enters her dad’s closet, again having done so before and as shown in previous episodes Orpheous always mindwiped her, and it turns out it’s not the first time as the Master sees great talent, but sees she needs to be taught by her mother and step dad, where she can find other witches and learn at her own pace.. maybe befriend an older witch and a demon, find her own personl lesbian. We’ll see how it goes. He TRIES scaring her out fo a future with dean, but fails because.. she had no intrest in dean whatsoever and there was nothing to scare her away from. The Master is confident this will lead to nothing.. but as we see in the stinger.. this isn’t the case. Byron for once grew, and rather than wipe his daughter’s brain to keep the last family he has outside of his buddies close, as he likely did before out of fear of loosing her... lets her go. He grows letting his daughter grow up and take the long path he did and hopefully better than either of her parents, while Dean “let’s her down gently’. Triana was a godo character, a downt o earht presence in theboys life and wiry, but it was time for her to fly and it’s a good note to send her off on and overall pure magic.

3. All This and Gargantua 2! (Special between Seasons 5 and 6)

ONto another charcter’s sendoff we have JJ, Doc’s brother he absorbed in the womb who came back somehow and then became way more sucessful and spent all of seasons 4 and 5 building a space Station. And this episode pays that and MANY other threads off in a giant sized epic that’s one of the series finest moments. it’s the Gargantua 2′s grand opening, with Doc and the boys going up. Hank goes to gamble and adventure, with Hank bucks obvoiusly, while Doc and Dean are called to Visit JJ.. whose dying, his body shutting down shortly after he finalyg ot life and wanting this satilite to be his final work. but soon the three, along with col treister who we’ll get to in another entry, have ot save the world with JJ touchingly sacirficing himself just as both brothers finally reconciled and Doc finally accepted him. It’s a powerful subplot. Said calamity comes in the form or another loose end, the revenge socieyt, Phantom Limb’s splinter group who are attacking and are unknowing pawns in the soverign, who turns out not tbe bowie which is good becaue he dies here and that would’ve been eerie, and his mad plans to try and outwit the investors, msyterous beings. Yeah i’m going to have to try and summarize a lot here as htis is a big, continuity drive spectacle and it works well if wonkily. TO mak ea long story short our heroes fight on a satlite, and dr. henry killinger, marry poppins meets kissinger with a magical murder bag, fights his brethern and reforges the guild with the various villians tryign to stop the soverign or leftover from the society. The special is one big bit of fanserice that ties up loose ends and launches a bold new era. I don’t have as much to say as other entires but it’s this high up because few episodes match it in sheer importance, scale, humor and timing, it’s just harder to dig into because again, it’s an hour long special with lots of stuff from the series up to that point. it’s what makes it work but it’s harder to dig into in this short a space. Maybe someday soon. either way i’ts a garganguan achivment that feels like a huge pot of payoff after 5 seasons of effort and is utterly worth the ride.

2. Showdown at Cremation Creek, Parts 1 and 2 (Season 2) Yes this is a two parter. Yes i’m giving it one spot but it’s my list and this is basically a special like the two entires it’s sandwitched between just sliced in half. So pitter patter, let’s talk about this one.

Showdown was the finale to the stellar season 2, a step up from season 1 that refined the good raw matieral there into something truly stupdencous and it all comes to a head here in a wonderful epic in the might venture maner in that it manages to feel epic while still being hiilarious, characer driven and self parodying. After a season apart the Monarch and Shielia have reonciled and are having an affair behind Phantom Limb’s back.. though given LImb is a sexist piece of shit who dosen’t value Shielia as a parter or part of his orignization while the Monarch has come around to doing so and did even with his crazy jealousy, it’s forgivable. Shelia wants more form him and the Monarch takes hte painful step of agreeing to stop arching venture. This dosen’t last obviously, but still. HOwever it does lead to pure hilarity when his henchman for the bachelor party, after the monarch went home, kidnapping the ventures, having gottne brock while he was drunk and distracted. Still with fatalities but still.. it’d be the best day of their lives anyo ther day. But to avoid pissing off his fiance who likely woudln’t belivie the truth, he makes up a story of inviting them to a wedding as an olive branch and does so> The whole situation also leads to my faviorite venture line: 24: Holy shit I thought we dreamnt that part! Anyways our gang are soon split up, Brock attends awkardly, Dr. Venture tries to hit on the bride over mid life chriaslys earlier, and we get the dawn of one of the show’s best buddy duos: 21 and Hank. The two being huge nerds quickly bond, and 21 helps hank sneak into the wedding as “Igor Badguyovich via an old henchman uniform, cleverly one of the ones from the pilot. Dean ends up getting stuck in the engine room and ends up spending the two parter hallucinating and going on a patichse version of never ending story while also letting loose his hatred of his boy advenutering lifestyle. It’s prue fun and good stuff. David Bowie, or someone impersnating him, aka the soverign arrives along with Klaus Nomo and Iggy Pop for the wedding as an old frirend of shelias giving her away. But soon things go as bad as a superhero wedding does, becuase supervillians apparently aren’t immune to that as Phantom Limb attacks, deciding to throw a cou because he can’t kill the guy his ex actually likes or get promtoed and with bowie’s enorage as his moles attacks and tries to take shiela by force. The result is great as brock moblizies the minons, and unbenwonst to him, hank to fight, dean has his epic adventure and rusty and monarch try to do.. something. It’s all great stuff while Bowie fights limb in an epic battle we sadly barely see but what we do is glorious. It’s all good stuff. An donly one episode tops it in scope, humor and spectacle and in my heart.

1. Operation P.R.O.M. (Season 4, Episode 16) The show’s best season goes out with it’s best episode. I could close it out there but given i’ve rambled about every other episode why stop now? It’s Homeschool Prom Night! Doc’s gathered their various allies, the order of the triad, pete and billy , shoreleave and brock, along with Hatred who has replaced his hatred tats with a big v.. excpet the d over his junk which is unfortunate. 21 joins in genuinley and because he’s having a crisis while monarch and sheila crash with hatred’s ex as a baragning chip to see wha’ts up and end up joining in.

The boys are as sucessful getting their own dates as you’d expect: no one will return Hank’s calls but since he runs into best buddy Dermott on the way brings him along as long as their band can play, which is easily the highlight of the episode as their glorious and terrible garage band Shallow Gravy makes it’s debut. Figures I can’t put video in right as the article’s almost done.. but back on point.. Dean brings Triana who has a boyfriend now who resembles Edward Cullen, because tha’ts aged really well, which bugs the crap out of him even though he moved on and casues him to act like a pissant and get a corsage thrown in his face as he should. Dean ends up following Dermott and Hank’s advice to go try and “win her back” with a big romantic gesture... which listneing to dermott on a romantic gesture should be grounds for being delcared legally braindead.. it goes terribly with the big plan instead burning a t on her lawn, and the ghost robes making Dean look like the kkk. The outrider tells him to be happy after beating him up over the mixup, a mixup that REALLLLY hasn’t aged well, and Dean tells him to fuck off. End of their time but it’s good stuff and caps a great season of hank. And while I don’t LIKE dean’s behavior here, it’s nice to see him not act like a good person for a second, and to be as human and faliable as the rest of htem, even if it means beeing deeply unlikable and his next relationship which sadly just.. never got picked up again, would go better. And the one after that.. not getting into that mess. What the hell guys. It’s really good stuff.

Naturally given all these cast members ther’es a lot else going on: Rusty hires prostitues for the evening because of course he does and fails with his because of course he does.. and because it turns out his name is a sex act which leads toi a long and inspried bit of bleeping as everyone has their own version and we see tons of recurrers way in to Rusty’s horror. Rusty being inscensed tires using an aprohdeiasc , specially spanish fly taken from an actual fly, one of my faviorite bits mostly for this bit after billy gapes in horro at the giant monster fly. Doc: Don’t scream you’ll just piss it off and it screams acid when it’s pissed off. And I alredy dids that when I ripped it’s wings off. His scheme is of course utterly terrible but it’s Rusty, and i’m unsuprised and he dosen’t benifit from it as we’ll get into. Al and Shore Leave bond while 21, in a pogniant subplot, realizes he’s had enough and quits his job and through Orpheous realizes his firend isn’t a ghost, but a guilt induced hallucinaiton and lets him go, joining the team implicitly. It’s really good character stuff. Finally we have the espionge portion. WHile Shore leave is at the party Gathers leaves Brock, once he’s finished chauffering the boys, to watch Monstroso, who they recently captured and gathers wants to use as a barganing chip. But gathers soon finds previously introduced Agents Doe and Cardholder wanting to topple agency head Hunter Gathers, one of my faviorite recurring characters mostly due to being performed by the increidble Toby Huss, a batshit general whose basically nick fury with a kentucky accent and no real filter or fucks to give and he’s utterly hilarious any time he shows up. He’s been claming his cancer treatments have turned him into a Hulk, and why yes that is their exact terminology. Turns out agents doe and cardholder have been playing along with this seeming delusion to try and outst treister.. and take the OSI over for the guild, being the traitors Gathers suspected were there. However in a brilliant turn, this sub plots resolves as all should: on the bridge of hteir hellicarrier, with Treister draped only in the american flag with a post it note saying fix it on his chest. He reveals that while the cancer is real, the “hulkking” out was just playing them: he knew they were the double agents, and was using Gather’s to ferit them out. However that’s not the only reason: Treister knows his odds of beating cancer are slim so he’s come up with a resonable solution: Shoot himself up into space, as seen in the image for this entry, and see if aliens can cure it. They don’t but space radiation does as he returns later and not only that while he’s lost in the special, after brilliantly ACTUALLY having become a hulk, Doc and Jackson revealed in the making of book they had plans to possibly have him come back as their version of GALACTUS at one point, only holding back on it because their not sure if they want to go full cosmic or not. We’ll see if the show comes back in longform but god I hope so. If not i’m sure as hell doing it. But Treister hands the wheel over to gathers literally and metaphorically, passsing the reigns of the ship and the OSI over to him so Gathers can run it right, and then well.. shoots himself up into space, ending up as the last image of the hour long masterwork. But befroe that theres one last plot that leads into what I consider to be the show’s best scene. Brock finds out the hard way that the other Sphinx agent on duty is actually his ex molotov cocktease, who skirts monstroso away because she’s fallen for him, to brock’s rage. While Brock catches up to them, Mol reveales she has a trump card: The prostitues venture hired are actually her mercinary crew the blackhearts, and if she dosen’t give the signal everyone dies.. and being an utter dick Mol lets the car brock’s holding up off a cliff drop with her and monstroso inside.. though they come back eventually because universe that’s basically a comic book. So we get THIS SEQUENCE THAT’S IN CAPS BECAUSE THEY STOPPED LETTING ME PUT VIDEOS IN THIS ONE FOR SOME REASON AND IT’S ALMOST DONE. It’s easily the show’s best as Pulp’s amazing “Like a Friend” plays as brock rushes to save everyone, finds everyone having a good time thanks to rusty’s spanish fly, and Shore Leave and Al doing the v-day sailor kiss which is amazing, and then all the blackhearts turn into fly monsters because Rusty. It’s a great, tense gorgeously animated sequence that ends showing just how far brock’s come: From an angry asshole who hates everyone to these guys genuine friend.. and still a badass. overall just a great, spectacular finale and the best of one fo the best animated shows period. And with that the list concludes. This took me 2 days worth of adruous work so I hope you enjoyed it. Follow me for more including regular coverage of Amphibia, Ducktales starting back up later this month.. and as of tommorow possibly the loud house! Expect more venture bros including reviewcaps coming soon and if you want to comission your own reviewcap for 5 bucks, just hit up my personal messages or ask box, or just hit it up iwth a casual suggestion i’m bound to listen. Either way until next time, Go Team Venture. And I can think of only one way to properly close this. Play us off sea captain.

#the venture bros #rusty venture #brock sampson #dean venture #hank venture #the monarch #dr mrs the monarch #henchman 21 #serena ong #dermott fictell #byron orpheous

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desticuleconfessions · 4 years ago

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hey desticule. so i have a supernatural-themed girl best friends story that i’ve wanted to share for a long time, especially because none of my irl friends ever rly understood the gravity of this experience w/o the context of spn. there’s a lot of fun parallels to stuff on the show, and its given me like years of brain rot and therapy lmao. so i really deeply appreciate this page as an outlet, thank you so much to the mods for making it. anyways uh. here goes. sorry it’s so long.

[tw: queer trauma, religious trauma, mental illness]

okay so. in 3rd grade i met this girl. we'll call her kate. we became best friends, as in our names were never spoken separately, we did (and won) every science fair together, she came skiing with my family every winter, i stayed with her family at their beach house in the summers, our younger siblings were friends, etc.

our birthdays were exactly 6 months apart (jan 22/jul 22) so we literally believed that we were celestially intertwined.

we wrote a novel together in 8th grade. her family is baptist, we attended massachusetts catholic schools. i would go to church with her family when i slept over, i held hands and said grace with them at meals. they are all tall and blonde and beautiful. classically angelic. i am south asian. i remember introducing her to harry potter in the 4th grade, her mother hadn't let her read em because it was "blasphemous", but i snuck her my copies and she would read them during lunch n recess and keep them in my locker. sorry this seems like a lot of unnecessary detail but it will be important later.

anyways we both got into doctor who and subsequentally supernatural (s1-8?9 at the time). i specifically remember getting her into supernatural. i also remember her instinctive disdain for destiel when i talked about it, i was showing her a meta or fanfic i think, and i talked her through undoing some of her christian household’s internalized homophobia (fully assuming we were both straight at this point) (we were fucking 12). we'd do the whole "bitch" "jerk" thing, i (the older one) affectionately called her 'sammy', her phone password was dean, mine was cas (and they still are). on my 13th birthday, she gifted me a samulet, which i still wear to this day. (additionally, she gave me a vonnegut 'so it goes' necklace one year) (thats not vital but) (goes to show the extent of my dean coding) (im also an aquarius lmao). im highly protective of her. i carry extra rubber bands on my wrist for her. i keep our money and phones in my jacket when the school takes us skiing. i sit next to her in the halls during lunch and organize her binder. on an 8th grade field trip, a boy made a gross comment at her and i broke his nose.

so we start high school together at coed catholic school nearby, i join debate, make a friend also into spn, she's bi. she asks kate out over text. kate's mom sees this. things turn.

now the rest of these things happened over the course of a couple months and due to my trauma memory loss, i have no idea how accurate some of these memories are so uh. don't hold me to them.

- her highly religious mother is not happy with this obviously. at some point, she brings a priest home and tries to have kate exorcised.

- at this point, we learn that kate is schizophrenic; it never seemed to create noticeable issues before bc her home life and childhood was a perfect happy dream (not an assumption, her words).

- she's still coming to school, sporadically now, i bring home her work, spend hours helping her.

- when she comes to school, she has seizures: sometimes we're fortunate enough that they happen in a class we have together. she freezes up and the teacher empties the room. i refuse to leave. i hold her hand and softly sing her favorite song and sometimes she comes back to me. sometimes she doesn’t and the bell rings and the teacher forces me to leave and let the nurse handle it.

- another time they announce a medical lockdown (to keep ppl out of the hallway if someone is being escorted to an ambulance) while im in catholicism class, i immediately know it’s her; she fainted in the pool during swim team practice.

- i stay awake for 6 days straight bc i read online that sleep deprivation induces some of the same symptoms as schizophrenia and if i could understand what she was going through, i could help her

- she shows up at my house w both of her parents 15 minutes before the winter ball, begs me to go bc her parents will only let her if i go. so i do. her mom lurks by the gym doors with the chaperones. during a slow song, kate and debate girl start to slow dance, i grab our friend’s hand, drag him in front of them so her mom can’t see and make out with him.

- i wanted to tell her to stop but i was too afraid i would lose us, that it would seem like i was homophobic or i was jealous, but i knew her in my marrow and it didn’t seem like she was in love or into the relationship, it was willful self destruction

- we talked in the last few years, she confirmed this.

- at some point, she says she’s sorry she didn’t tell me about the voices before.

- when we talk, she’s not her anymore, she doesn’t remember our inside jokes, our codes, i can feel her being slowly ripped away and apart in real time

- i have a vivid memory of arguing with her and her telling me im not real, that her mind made me up, while occasionally speaking to something? someone? else in the room. i hold her hand and point to the matching thin scars on our thumbs and try to convince her im real.

- she eventually drops out entirely, taken to some mental facility that im not entirely sure wasnt conversion therapy (it was definitely a religious facility) (and conversion therapy was not outlawed in new hampshire until 2019) and im not allowed to see her.

- every now and then i get cryptic distressing emails or texts from her.

- one in particular has the subject, “youandiwalkafragilelineihaveknownitallthistimebutineverthoughtidlivetoseeitbreak” which is the first line of the song ‘haunted’ by taylor swift (our shared favorite)(the summer after this happened we collectively decided we needed a new swift Our Song and chose ‘breathe’). the body of the email read “what the hell have i done”

- i pray for the first time in my life, every single day for a few months, in different languages, at temple with my parents, in the chapel at school

- on a club trip, i get a call at 2am from her, crying, asking me why i didn’t help her, why i didn’t stop her, that it was my job to protect her

here’s something i wrote about her, three yrs after:

I wasn’t careful enough and she caught quickly. She burned so close and so bright that for long afterwards, I could not see. And like that, she was gone. I walked into the chapel. Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

[that last line is from the latin version for a catholic prayer called the act of contrition, it translates to “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault”]

in the fall, i hear she’s starting at a small baptist school almost an hour from her house. she is dating the principal’s son. the principal is also her pastor.

in my second year of college, i have a bad acid trip in a snowy park in december. i put my hands into the snow and when i look at them,i see blood. i see her body in the snow adorned like it’s a funeral

i still have dreams about her. sometimes i meet her in a grassy field, flying kites and i invite her to my wedding. in others, i catch a glimpse of her ponytail and catholic school skirt and chase her up eight flights of stairs and when i grab her hand, she turns to ash.

at some point in a separate argument w my parents in which they went through my texts and found out i wasn’t straight (amongst other things) my dad says:“i knew i should’ve listened to [kate’s dad] when he told me the things you would talk about. he knew what you are. and he took his daughter away from you.”

last christmas we met up and drove around together, she tells me that for years she thought i hated her for letting me down and for abandoning me, and i literally have the dean winchester in ‘sacrifice’ five stages of grief when sam says “you know what i confessed in there?” because i could not even begin to fathom that she ever blamed herself. it had always been my fault. i had failed to save her. i corrupted her and i failed to save her.

anyways she’s fine now, she’s okay, im okay, we’ve talked and unpacked and we’re alright. but uh. yeah. that happened. the parallels make me crazy. now they can make you crazy too.

‎

#tw: queer trauma #tw: religious trauma #tw: mental illness #wow #that is ... a lot #i'm glad both you and she are okay #mod cas #confessions #desticuleconfessions

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yet-another-saberface · 4 years ago

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Fate/ & My Anxiety

Okay, so, I kinda had a rough day today, but that rough day really made me want to write this. I’d been thinking about it for a bit, but now I’m sure that this is something I should put out there, because I’m sure at least someone out there has had a similar experience. And if I write this correctly, it should be an interesting read anyways. (Post now updated with a cut & pretty gifs and things! I tried to keep the gifs more positive to offset some of the more serious parts of what I’m discussing.) So uh... Enjoy I guess? It’s kinda what it says on the tin.

Warning for serious mentions of anxiety and stuff. But I try to keep it lighter than it could be. For anyone else that might have some anxiety problems like me, it might help you to read this, because it’s really just a discussion of some themes I’ve taken away from the series that really helped me with my own anxiety. But whether you read it or not you should probably take a sec to breathe, that never hurts.

So. I’m going to be upfront about this. I have anxiety. Not just a normal amount of stress, but actual, diagnosed anxiety. I am not medicated, but at the moment that’s mostly because my doctors think that trying medication during this whole pandemic situation wouldn’t actually let them know if it would help me in the long term. I’ve been living with anxiety for pretty much my entire life, but I just thought everyone was stressed out, and that life sucked, and that I was bad at dealing with it. But that wasn’t the case.

But one thing is going to ring true for me regardless of what the state of my anxiety is, be it in the moment or over the course of my life. And that’s that like most things, media helped me with it before I even realized what it was. As I sit around in quarantine and try to manage my fluctuating stress levels, I’ve found myself drifting back to the Fate Series, and FGO, after taking a break from them for few months, arguably even the past year.

At this point, it’s been around 3 years, maybe even 4, since I originally discovered Fate. And I’m not going to lie, I didn’t get the best possible first impression, because I started with the Deen anime from 2005. I’d seen Saber before, had no idea who she was other than some chic I vaguely looked like with a good character design and a sword, and saw her on the cover of an anime. So I watched it. I had no idea what the hell was going on, and was trying to piece everything together as I watched, but I watched to the end. And I liked it. It definitely wasn’t my favorite show. But when I heard that it was “the bad one,” and that there was more, I gladly went to go watch it.

And that might not make sense at first, but I’m emitting a huge detail. I was, and still am, a huge mythology nerd. As I was watching the original Stay Night anime, I was fascinated by the portrayals of these characters that, technically, I already knew. And I was really into the idea that there was more of that.

So later that year, I watched Fate/Zero. And I’m gonna be honest, I was too young to really appreciate everything it had to offer, and I’m planning on going back to it soon, but I loved every second of that show. When I got the chance, I binged through it, and it was heavy stuff, but I couldn’t take my eyes away from it.

And after that, I started looking up what else there was. I watched Carnival Phantasm in maybe 2 days tops and adored it. I procrastinate on watching a lot of stuff, because I found myself having less and less time to myself, but that same summer I watched Zero, I also started playing FGO. I started the game for the characters I already knew. I stayed because I found a story I was genuinely invested in on its own, and a community that was really fun to observe, if not be an active part of. I still remember sitting down on a day when I had nothing to do and finishing Okeanos all in one go. Or laying down after a long day at school and doing the same to a ReRun event. It was a great stress outlet, and I was invested.

But the more I look back on all of that, I start to see details that explain even better why I was so invested. I don’t have a single favorite Fate character, but I will admit that I adore Saber. She’s what drew me in, my friends who know Fate apparently think I look like her, and we all know the Excalibur scene from Zero looks like it should be in an actual movie.

I won’t claim to be a character expert, despite being a writer. I didn’t write Saber, let alone any other Fate character. But the more I think about her, the more I start to realize that yeah, I understand a lot of what she’s gone through. Do I know what it’s like to be a King and run a country and what that entails? No obviously not. But I do know what it’s like to feel that you have a duty to everyone around you to not screw things up. I understand how someone could feel extremely guilty when they do eventually screw things up. There’s a lot of ways to look at any character, but I realize now that from the beginning that that specific idea was the lens through which I understood Saber.

And it holds true for most other characters. With Shirou, did I understand losing your parental figure or an undying desire to be a hero? Not really. But I did understand the fact that he felt like he wasn’t good enough, and that he gained value by putting himself on the line for others. I may not have risked my life for another person, but I’ve definitely put myself through mental stress enough to induce multiple panic attacks a day for other people.

And now we get to the part of this... I don’t want to call it an essay. The part of this post. Where I talk about Gil.

Am I aware that in most (early) depictions of him in Fate, he’s a horrible dick of a person who deserves no respect? Yes, I am.

But I also know that when I think about some of the less horrible aspects of him as a character now, there’s stuff in there I should take away that is good. I just went on an whole rant about how I can understand low self esteem and self sacrifice and crushing responsibility and the pressure to not screw it all up. And these days, I can’t stop thinking about how Saber admitted to a lot of that and (this is obviously a gross oversimplification but you should get by now that this is personal and specific) the response from Gil and Rider was “It sounds like you aren’t living life as happily as you could and are setting a bad example of how to live life for those that look up to you.” And that idea keeps coming back to me in every moment when I’m having an anxiety attack, or cram studying even though I know I’m ready, or finishing something due two weeks from now tonight because I won’t have to do it later. And it only hits me harder because I know I’m not a King or anything lofty like that, but I am a labeled “gifted student” and a support person for many of my friends and a designated “responsible one” and all of these other things. And yet I’m preaching for them to do as I say not as I do when it comes to enjoying life and taking care of yourself.

I don’t know if I fully internalized that message when I first watched that scene. But I must have in some capacity because it still haunts me now, reminding me that maybe I shouldn’t be giving into all of this stress. And I’m trying, I really am, to keep that in mind as I fight against all of it and try to keep things under control.

And then there’s Babylonia. When I really get down to it, I have a pretty strong emotional connection to this part of FGO. I joined the game pretty late, roughly right after Camelot’s release, so I had a lot of catching up to do. But I caught up, and I got to experience this story that I’d heard was one of the best in the game as it came out. If I wanted to I could say a LOT more about Babylonia, and maybe I will in the future.

But I’m not going to deny that CasGil has been a pretty prominent presence in my mind ever since when it comes to stress and responsibility. (Heck I could probably talk about just him specifically for at least a good 5th of what I have so say about Babylonia. Maybe I will someday.) I mean, it’s kind of his thing, you see the fandom joke about it all the time how he’s the Gil that doesn’t sleep because he just keeps on working and working and working. And that’s why there was this one moment when I was watching the Babylonia anime that now stands out to me. When Gil goes with the player out to the observatory, he just leaves. He doesn’t bother apologizing to anyone or explaining his actions, he just goes. And we know, as basically an outsider, that this is him taking a break. He needed a break and so he just took a break without any clarifications or explanations or apologies. Sure he might justify it to the player has needing to do some other work out there, but that actually makes it hit harder for me. Because he’s justifying his breaks as more work.

I used to be lucky enough to have a clear cut line between what was my time and what was other people’s time (that I was giving them out of my time) and what time belonged to school/work. And now all of that has been thrown out the window and I’ve been having to teach myself how to do what I just described.

Take a goddamn break without having to tell everyone else how sorry I am for taking a day to actually rest and breathe and all those other important things. And yet I still have to justify those breaks to myself as time to take care of other things. 90% of the time, those breaks aren’t breaks to me, they’re time to work on my novel instead of my essay, or something like that.

And then I glance down at my phone and I’m hit with most of what I just wrote flooding into my head. And I try to tell myself that no, it’s okay to just take a break. And that I should be allowing myself to enjoy being alive instead of being a slave to expectations and responsibilities. And that as a person I know other people look up to I should be setting a better example of how to take care of yourself. And sometimes it works. Other times there’s more things at play and it doesn’t get through to me the same way, but it’s something that works. All of the hours I’ve spent with those character remind me that what I’m doing isn’t okay on a pretty regular basis at this point. And I’m really glad for that. And I hope that all of this stuff will continue to help me as it’s helping me right now.

At least I know that when I feel like I’m freaking out, I can open FGO and play through a quest and I’ll usually feel better. So I’m just gonna keep trying, keep managing, until I find a place where it’s finally all okay again, as much as it can be.

(P.S: More reasons that CasGil is my grailing target right now? Yeah that’s true but these reasons are deeper than “I got a Merlin look at that” or “Grailing Jalter is useful.” He’s a character that’s genuinely important to me and I think that finally investing in him is going to be really satisfying for me.)

#fgo #fate go #fate/go #fate grand order #fate/grand order #my writing #life update #i guess #serious stuff #if you read this thank you so much #anxiety #i don't know if stuff like this will become regular content #it might i dunno #but if it does it'll be more analysis and less personal #but seriously y'all take a break #breathe #take care of yourself #and if characters help you do that that's great

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afishlearningpoetry · 6 years ago

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Looking Closer at How The Abominable Bride Foreshadowed and Can Be Used to Chronologically Decode Series 4:

In the opening sequence of TAB, Sherlock imagines a recreation of John returning to England after being dispatched by the army and the two of them meeting for the first time. As this is his dream, everything about the sequence and the comparison and contrast with the unfiltered scene in ASIP informs of his own biases and desires. Sherlock imagines coming off weirder but suaver and John being less frustrated about it than he actually was, telling us both about his knowledge of John’s love for him and his wish to smooth out the dents in their relationship.

In TLD, John writes a sequence recreating his first night meeting Sherlock using his self-insert Eurus as Faith Smith as an outlet. As this is John’s story, everything about the sequence and the comparison and contrast with their first night together in ASIP informs of his own biases, desires, and in this case especially, deeply-held fears and insecurities. John imagines Eurus and Sherlock being more open and honest about their feelings and their night together, telling us about John’s own memory of the event and his history.

Of course, more important than the differences between Sherlock’s dream and John’s story compared to reality, is the even more massive gap between their own points of view.

[Continue below the cut for more ➤]

See also: Shout out to @shinka for “Something Borrowed, Something Blue”... 10 Revealing Things From The Six Thatchers That Haunt You Late At Night, 10 Revealing Things From The Lying Detective That Haunt You Late At Night, and 10 Revealing Things From The Final Problem That Haunt You Late At Night. (#tw suicide #tw self harm #tw depression)

Bonus: Substitute, point of view, insecurities, emotional context.

Right off the bat in Sherlock’s dream, his goal with the opening war montage is clear –– to objectify John and his bright blue eyes as much as possible, while in John’s nightmare of his army experiences, everything is dangerous and happening incredibly fast. Throughout the entire comparison of all these different scenes together, this will be a constant theme –– Sherlock will constantly express how much he wants to be with John and that he’s aware John loves him, while John will continue to deny himself his love for Sherlock, thinking Sherlock does not love him back. “I spent a whole evening with her. We had chips. I think she liked me.”

In TAB, Sherlock then imagines their first meeting as him completely nailing his deduction of John and and sweeping him off of his feet. John hardly says anything back and looks more starstruck than speaks dialog, while Sherlock imagines their exchange happening much faster than it actually did. Sherlock gets all the details right –– mentioning the violin, having an “eye” on a loft, John looking down at his leg, Stamford reassuring John that he’s always been “like that,” but misses, or perhaps brushes over the emotional context of what John was going through in this scene. But John was more frustrated than anything, and angry that Sherlock was able to see through him right away, while John has been hiding himself from the world for a substantial period of time. John expresses this a lot in series 4, representing his own insecurities through subtextual means. Sherlock isn’t without his own insecurities, however, and there is gloom beneath the romanticism –– Sherlock imagines whipping a corpse with a riding crop when John walks in, while John actually meets him shortly after in the lab, and throughout the episode Sherlock frequently lashes out at John in various ways over John not understanding his feelings. This is often shown through John’s stories of Sherlock, in comparison to real John’s blog in the present day and John clearly is not picking up on how Sherlock cares for him, so it’s fitting that Sherlock’s feelings in this sequence are actually clear as day, and that John’s own recreation of their meeting in TLD is much darker (and filtered through another character and story, which in its own way, also makes his own feelings clear as day).

What’s also missing in Sherlock’s iteration of their meeting is the vast depth of loneliness and self-loathing that John is depicted with in the opening scene of the entire show, which wasn’t recreated in his dream. John’s story in TLD is set after Mary’s death –– as series 4 with TST and TLD is about the coverup and fallout of Mary’s murder at the hands of John and Sherlock, who was working with Moriarty and isn’t really dead –– and so the grief, darkness, and haunting ghosts in it are easy to assume being for that, which is the purpose of John covering up what really happened with this story, but one of the thing that’s really going on behind the true events of this episode is John approaching his own crisis point. In John Yorke’s Into the Woods, a book about stories and the five act structure, he describes virtually all stories as being able to be broken down into five acts. Act four is the darkest point of the story, the act where things continue to get worse and worse before the final confrontation, and is defined at the end by the “crisis” point where circumstances could not possibly get any worse. John is approaching his crisis point in TLD and finally reaches it in TFP, after he’s shown being shot at the end (in this episode, the gun goes off less then halfway through and at the end of the episode fades to red).

In TLD, John is also back to the point he was at the beginning of ASIP, or act one –– he’s deeply miserable and lonely, and is isolating himself from the world with presumably as little human contact as possible. John has not solved his own problem yet, which means he’s approaching his darkest point before that change can happen –– and that change will be represented by Sherlock telling him that he loves him back. But before he gets there, it’s fitting that John’s construction of this episode revolves around John being unsure whether or not Sherlock is really is a sociopath and capable of romantic sentiment (“You lie all the time, it’s like your mission.” “He’s not a monster.” “Yeah he is,” and the text from Irene), John reimagines their first night together, when John both first fell in love with him, and when he was warned about Sherlock being a psycopath. “One day we’ll be standing around a body and Sherlock Holmes will be the one who put it there,” Sally Donovan says in ASIP. “Not long ago he shot Charles Magnussen in the face, we did see it coming,” John reiterates in TLD.

John’s self-insert in this episode is represented by Eurus. Eurus is one of John’s dark mirrors, is at the heart of everything of the lie of series 4, and is John’s own primary, totally invented plot device. While John was writing the coverup and fallout of Mary’s murder, the story was mostly done and complete, but when something happened to John at the end of TLD, he suddenly had to invent a third episode that had nothing to do with the character arcs of the first two episodes –– TFP is a false catharsis of character arcs, plot points, and thematic threads, and is completely contrary to everything the show has done up to this point. It’s totally imagined by John –– so in a butcher job, in a rush to fit in Eurus where she doesn’t belong to make a third story happen and cover up what actually happened at the end of TLD, John had to use her as a plot device and slip her in somehow in TST and TLD to make sure she was there all along, all along. In TST, John writes Eurus in place of his invented cheating storyline, which was 1) covering up his communication with Sherlock, working together to take Mary down at the end of the episode, 2) sublimating his emotional cheating on Mary with Sherlock, because John tried to fuck Sherlock in every episode of series 3, and 3) done to make John look like the middle age crisis husband who took his perfect wife for granted before her tragic death, which he obviously had no involvement in, how dare you say that. In TLD, Eurus somehow obtains Faith Smith’s private note, which she hid in her bookshelf from her own father for years, deciphered what it meant, obtained it from a third party, and then added some “deductions” of her own onto the letter in order for Sherlock to find. If you didn’t have fun reading that sentence, please know I didn’t have fun typing that sentence. She also controls everyone in the prison so she was able to just leave and disappear for enough time to both impersonate John’s therapist and Faith Smith before returning to set her magical psychic trap. Eurus’s additions to the letter are also telling in and of themselves –– they’re hidden, subtextual clues on a surface layer text that was planted for someone to find.

In TLD, one of Eurus’s primary functions is to act as John’s self-insert for his first night with Sherlock. One of the ways we can tell this is by her outfit design –– while everything in series 4 is filtered through the color blue, the color representing the false narrative at work and John’s authorship, the color red represents John’s “me-substitute,” as John tells Sherlock in TST.

As @shinka explains in “Something Borrowed, Something Blue”:

The red balloon. Striking touch of red in a season full of cold and blue tones. John the Writer tells the audience that Red is a Me substitute. In others words, if Blue is the color of John’s Fiction, Red is the color of John’s Truth. Which means we can have both blue and red in one scene; as John the writer presents a scene, John as himself appears through the subtext and the narrative.

Eurus is wearing bright red as the bus lady and as Faith Smith. Eurus is John’s own subtextual substitute for himself, appearing in places where his authorship is to be questioned. Of course, also keep in mind throughout looking at the rest of this comparison and contrast, that Sherlock realizes in TLD that Eurus as Faith Smith wasn’t actually there. Bill Wiggins and Mrs. Hudson both point out that nobody’s there. So how do they remark on this and how does Sherlock realize it only to have Eurus appear again at the end of the episode and in TFP, as if she really had been there the entire time? Eurus isn’t there. Eurus is John. Eurus as John as the author, placing a substitute for himself.

John spells it out as he writes Sherlock deducing Eurus as Faith.

“Oh, of course you don’t own a car, you don’t own one, do you, living in isolation, no human contact, no visitors.”

This is something Sherlock doesn’t picture in his recreation of their meeting in TAB. In TLD, John states it in their first conversation to establish where Eurus as Faith is coming from. This is also where John himself is at the beginning of TLD on the surface layer text, and as we continue the comparison, it becomes even more obvious.

Next, Sherlock imagines John asking how Sherlock could know about his army history. John in TAB is less angry about this, as Sherlock immediately proceeds to sharing rooms instead of questioning him. In ASIP, John is frustrated someone was able to see through him right away. In TLD, Eurus angrily replies back at Sherlock, “You can’t know that.” In TAB and ASIP, Stamford didn’t say anything to him in either versions, reinforcing that Sherlock claiming he researched John in TRF was a lie meant to trick John into seeing him as a fraud so he would really think Sherlock is dead be safe from Moriarty’s clutches. This also feeds into John’s own self-loathing, as he thinks that if someone sees him for who he thinks he really is, they wouldn’t like him. If Sherlock is a genius, he must eventually notice that John loves him, and if he doesn’t say anything about it, then Sherlock must not feel the same way back. Even though in TLD, John classifies his relationship with Sherlock as a romantic one, through his self-insert Eurus as Faith.

John as Eurus as Faith is talking about two different things when it comes to Sherlock deducing her failed romantic relationship, something Sherlock doesn’t do in ASIP and has no clue about until TSOT (where he’s surprised at and jealous of John’s history with Sholto). Since this is a recreation of their first night together, John is partially talking about Sholto, but since John is writing this story now and specifically after TRF and Sherlock’s 2 year disappearance, he’s also partially talking about Sherlock. In TLD, Sherlock deduces that “Presumably you downsized” when you left your job and “maybe” when you ended your relationship. John did indeed move (and downsize) after being discharged from the army, and he moved out from the loft after TRF. In both situations, he also left his previous line of work, the army and investigating with Sherlock. The “maybe” on Sherlock’s part, written by John, means a couple of things here; first, that John thinks Sherlock doesn’t consider their own relationship to be romantic, and that Sherlock doesn’t consider himself responsible for ending it, whatever exactly it was, by faking his own death, which is what really happened in reality. Instead, as we later find out through Eurus as Faith’s marks of self harm later, John blames himself for his relationship with Sherlock being a failed one, because he was afraid to be vulnerable with Sherlock and open about himself and what he wants. This is also a remark on his relationship with Sholto, reiterating that John is back where he was in act one, now in act four. He feels he repeated his mistakes with Sholto with Sherlock and hasn’t changed as a person, that nothing will change, and that he feels utterly lost, isolated, and completely hopeless. “There wasn’t anything physical going on, was there?” “For quite some time, in fact.”

In TAB, Sherlock continues his deduction of John without interruption, as John continues staring at him starstruck. In ASIP, John continues to push back against what Sherlock is doing. Soon after in ASIP however, Sherlock recruits John on his case investigating the four serial suicides. Sherlock ironically imagines the lab meeting as the one where he came off seductive, while the one where he John agrees to join him was actually where John plunged in head over heels. It does however, contain the same truth; that Sherlock was right about him, which leaves John scratching his head how Sherlock doesn’t pick up on John loving him, which must mean it isn’t returned. And while Sherlock is aware of that, how John misses the war, and that he enjoys being with Sherlock on his work, he isn’t quite aware of just how much he saved John’s life that night.

In TLD, John writes Eurus as Faith being suicidal. Sherlock deduces that Eurus as Faith is carrying a gun in her bag with no way home, meaning she was planning on killing herself if her meeting with Sherlock didn’t go well. In ASIP, this isn’t quite as obvious, particularly from Sherlock’s own point of view, which is why it isn’t depicted in TAB. That’s why Sherlock literally remembering John walking down the street in ASIP after leaving the crime scene is so completely contradictory; Sherlock had already long left that location. John was on his own. Sherlock has absolutely no way of flashing back to that moment, and its especially obvious because it happens while Sherlock is talking about how Faith as Eurus is suicidal... John is talking about himself. John himself kept a gun in his desk drawer and was considering killing himself, before he met Sherlock and Sherlock completely changed his life, giving him a purpose and a reason to live again, as John ended up instead using the gun on Jeff Hope to save Sherlock’s life, and John no longer needed the cane. Eurus is also carrying a cane here, which Sherlock looks closer at before flashing back to his memory of John he can’t possibly have.

The flashbacks in TST and TLD are indicative of all of this being written from John’s point of view. In TST, after Sherlock discovered the A.G.R.A. stick being hidden in one of the Thatcher statues, he kneels down and picks it up in his hand, as a projector light visual effect appears over the scene and the shot cuts to the stick being held in John’s hand. In the opening scene of TST, a projector with flickering light was used to display doctored footage of a trigger-happy fall-man meant to blame the death on, showing how Norbury was a random person blamed for Mary’s death. There’s no light effect with the flashback in TLD, since the fallman has already been chosen, but instead a distorted moving of the image of John walking down the street alone. Eurus is practically ablaze on screen in her red dress, in Sherlock’s loft and walking throughout central London, carrying a cane of her own. She is John. John is talking about himself through Eurus and Sherlock, having Sherlock pick up on something about John that he didn’t realize in ASIP, as is displayed in absence in TAB.

Continuing in TAB, Sherlock starts to leave the room like he did in ASIP, but John doesn’t push back. In ASIP, John is abrasive with Sherlock about what just happened. This is another display of Sherlock not realizing how cold he can come off, but it’s also a connection to TLD in that John is not willing to let the issue drop, since Eurus continues to ask him about how he deduced her as the night continues. Also in TAB and ASIP, Sherlock talks about the rooms they can share, and judging from how Sherlock immediately brings it up in TAB, compared to how it takes longer in ASIP, we can tell he was intending to seduce John. John was also trying to seduce Sherlock in ASIP –– as he asks him whether or not he has a girlfriend or boyfriend, John remarks that Sherlock is “unattached, like me.” Sherlock panics and shoots him down, saying he’s not interested, even though he very much is. In TLD, John states this rather more obviously, with “Sex” being Eurus’s starting point of conversation. “How did you know I wasn’t getting any?” Sherlock says that he’s not an expert, but assumes that her partner had “failed to notice” her marks of self-harm, indicating that their relationship was no longer intimate. John is talking about Sholto here, or “the most unsociable man he’s ever met”, failing to notice that John was hurting, but still is ultimately placing the blame on himself for not being vulnerable, but also about Sherlock. John writes that Sherlock deducing it came down to how her partner “failed to notice” what was going on. “How do you know he didn’t notice?” Eurus as Faith asks. John thinks Sholto and John didn’t care enough about him to notice.

“Oh, well, ‘cause he would have done something about it.”

“Would he?”

“Wouldn't he? Isn't that what you people do?”

“Well, that's interesting.”

“What is?”

“The way you think.”

“Superbly?”

“Sweetly.”

John is questioning himself a little bit here, partially over how much Sholto and Sherlock returned John’s feelings. Would he? Wouldn’t he? He’s questioning whether they would have even done anything if they’d noticed John’s feelings at all. Would he? Wouldn’t he?

Sherlock arrives at this conclusion through logical means, beating around the bush of the human element, but John as Eurus as Faith loves it, which is how he fell in love with Sherlock their first night together, by learning to see the great heart behind the brain. John will go back and forth on whether or not Sherlock is a sociopath throughout the rest of the episode, and while John concludes that Sherlock is flawed like any human, he’s never able to fully answer the question of whether or not Sherlock is capable of romantic feeling.

We know that John is still unsure of this the next episode, because TFP is structured around John interrogating the possibility of how Sherlock ended up the way that he did (similar to inserting Eurus into these stories last minute where it doesn’t make sense –– why was Eurus flirting with John important to her plan? And how did she get the note from Faith to begin with? –– John also hastily inserts Sherlock having recurring dreams about Redbeard in the middle of both episodes). This is where John, through his substitute, poses the question: would he? Wouldn’t he?

In TAB vs. ASIP again, dream John is compliant (while ignorant of Sherock’s true feelings and intent), while John pushes against Sherlock one last time (also, ironically, ignorant of Sherlock’s true feelings and intent). How could he know everything about him? How could he see through him so clearly? “We don't know a thing about each other; I don't know where we're meeting; I don't even know your name.” But even though they’d just met, both John and Sherlock saved each other from killing themselves that night. John was considering shooting himself, while Sherlock, in the midst of a drug bust at his loft while feeling utterly embarassed and exposed in front of John (“This guy? A junkie? Have you met him?”), willingly took a ride with the cabbie, knowing he was heading to his own suicide. Both ASIP and TFP contain multiple references to suicide, and John’s gun in his desk drawer is shown in an episode with a case about suicide.

But John doesn’t let that happen. By using his own gun he was going to use later, John is able to save both of their lives, and John recreates this in the episode again by having him save Sherlock from Culverton –– but as he’s approaching his crisis point in act four, John is feeling suicidal again.

“Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it.”

“You were gonna take that damned pill, weren’t you?”

As Sherlock is repeating to John as Eurus, keep your hands off it, Sherlock experiences an image of a gun going off, the gun in the opening, at the beginning of the episode hovering over John, and the gun that Eurus shoots John with at the end of the episode before fading to red. Eurus is John’s substitute (including a shot of the London Aquarium, where Mary’s death was covered up). The gun goes off, with a bright flash and loud bang as Sherlock is talking about John as Eurus being suicidal.

John shot himself at the end of TLD.

Somehow behind the true events of series 4, John is trying to communicate to us that he committed suicide. John’s authorial substitute, the subtextual red herring that was laced throughout series 4, shot him. John is telling the audience that he’s tried to kill himself. Unlike ASIP, he was not able to escape his own Samarra. It’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the landing. We need to decide which way you’re going to fall. Would he? Wouldn’t he? The same scenario is repeated as John approaches his crisis point.

Though John is committing suicide through the subtextual narrative of series 4, and thus bringing about the death of the show, it isn’t a real death –– it was a faked one.

In TFP, John writes a scene with the three Garridebs brothers being hung from a couple of ropes, making it look like a suicide when it was a murder attempt (see here for context on what “Garridebs” is about). In an episode that was titled “The Final Problem” precisely because it was not the real final problem, the Garridebs moment in TFP is not the real one. John shooting himself is the third Garridebs moment –– the Garridebs wound was self-inflicted. Sherlock is utterly oblivious to this in TAB. John thinks he failed to notice. John thinks he failed to notice “the big one” deduction on Eurus as Faith’s note. That’s what people do, don’t they? Leave a note. Would he have done something? Wouldn’t he have?

“Taking our own life –– interesting expression. Taking it from who?”

Yes, he would have... but John doesn’t know the answer. He doesn’t know how much Sherlock loves him –– and he’s finally going to know in series 5.

Before John is shot by his substitute, he wonders again if his love for Sherlock is one-sided, and whether or not Sherlock fell in love with him too, that first night when they met and saved each other’s lives, sitting under the pink glow of Angelo’s restaurant. Or, if Sherlock even noticed John liked him at all.

“I spent a whole evening with her. We had chips. I think she liked me.”

“We spent a whole night together. It was lovely. We had chips.”

But the reality is that Sherlock does love him –– if he’s failed to notice anything, it’s because of his emotional repression and fears of vulnerability, and the two of them both failing (especially on Sherlock’s end, given he’s aware of John’s feelings) to communicate with each other openly about how they feel. It’s not about either of them being solely responsible for ending the relationship, like John is so eager to assign blame to himself. They’re both idiots.

In TAB, Sherlock leaves his meeting John with a wink and a smile. “Shall I, um ...? Smile and wink. I do that sometimes. I’ve no idea why. People seem to like it –– humanizes me,” Sherlock says in MHR. Sherlock thought he was being obvious about his seduction in ASIP, and was even more blatant about it in reconstructing it in TAB.

John, however, remains unsure, and continues to deny himself.

461 notes · View notes

timegal25 · 5 years ago

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The Odd Side of Youtube

YouTube, the popular video sharing website, has been around for over a decade. It’s had it’s over abundance of videos themed around Fortnite, “emotional apology videos” stuffed to the brim with ad revenue, a disturbingly high number of poorly animated nursery rhymes, and surprisingly graphic skits targeted at kids. But it’s also been an outlet for creative expression and connection for those outside the mainstream. For a socially awkward and isolated kid who found companionship in watching YouTube, fandom videos offered a sense of connection, belonging and reassurance that there were “odd people” out there who shared his interests and passions.

While the vast majority of people know about things like “Gangnam Style” and “Let’s Plays,” not as many can say they have extensive knowledge of the various niche fandom videos that make up a good portion of the website itself. These are the odd clips that either you only come across by looking up directly, or have randomly pop up in your recommended feed with no real reason as to why. In my case, I remember a majority of these from watching them when I was younger, and then rediscovering them when looking deep into the site on late night nostalgia binges. It’s a common hobby of mine, and it usually leads to me finding some of the strangest things as a result. Oddly, a great many of these strange finds just so happen to include Sonic the Hedgehog.

Let me preface this by saying what follows is in no way an attack on any of the creators of these videos, nor is it a call for others to go out and harass them. In fact, that’s part of the point. Many of the people who create some of the more odd or innovative content on YouTube are doing it as creative expression of who they are or what interests them. It’s a place to express a part of themselves, and it takes courage to do it. It’s easy for those who aren’t so brave to attack the creators. I actually enjoy a lot of the content I’ll be referring to because the people behind it are genuine and clearly having a ton of fun making it. This is all done in good fun, and shows just how strange and odd fandom culture as a whole can be. And for some of these innovators who dared to put themselves out there, it paid off big time just by how fondly remembered they are by those who talk about them. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s begin.

Part One: Hedgehogs and Dragon Balls

To start things off, let’s look at a project that is fully animated. Before YouTube, there was the popular website Newgrounds, a place where you could watch videos, play games, and just mess around. This is where a lot of influential and important creators got their start by posting their little animations on the site. On August 14, 2006, user Chakra-X (real name Aaron Cowdery), posted the first part in a three-part movie called Sonic: Nazo Unleashed with part two coming a week later and part three following in 2007. All three parts were later uploaded all into one HD remaster under the title of Sonic: Nazo Unleashed DX on YouTube in 2014. The film follows Sonic and his friends as they take on the mysterious and powerful Nazo, an unused form of Sonic from a promotional video for the anime Sonic X.

Now what makes this special from say the dozens of Sonic themed fanfics that follow a somewhat similar premise? Chakra-X did something no one had dared to do before. The animation was very heavily inspired by the anime megahit Dragon Ball Z and its then airing sequel Dragon Ball GT . The sound effects used and the presentation of special moves were ripped right from the series and even parts from the climax are just ideas presented in the show such as two characters fusing to make one new powerful being. In 2006, it was unheard of to see Sonic characters perform such high speed anime action. What was even more notable is that it was created by one single guy on the internet. The professionally produced Sonic X TV show that was airing at that time paled by comparison, even with a team of professional animators with high tech equipment.

In the decade since Nazo Unleashed originally came out, Chakra-X has been a part of various animated collabs and now works for Titmouse Inc , an animation company that has done work for companies like Warner Bros., Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, and even Disney. What was even more inspiring for me, Chakra-X is a young black man . This was the first I’d become aware of anyone who looked like me being a much sought after animator. It told me that I could be him, I could be in his position if I put in as much effort and love into a creative project. And with how amazing the upcoming sequel he’s working on looks, I feel that kind of hopeful inspiration even more.

The next piece I’m going to examine is another well known series in the Sonic fandom community that also is heavily influenced by Dragon Ball Z. While it is also animated and is full of high speed action packed fights, this one has its own amazing identity. The series I’m talking about is the always spectacular Super Mario Bros. Z by Mark Haynes, aka Alvin Earthworm, starting in 2006 and going until 2009. While this series was originally created on Newgrounds, it’s real exposure and popularity came from being uploaded to YouTube.

The series follows Mario, Sonic and friends as they go on an epic race against time to secure the powerful chaos emeralds from the clutches of the evil Mecha Sonic. Much like Nazo Unleashed, the influence of Dragon Ball Z series is anything but subtle, with the plot of “good guys need to find powerful objects before bad guys” being one of the key ways to describe Dragon Ball as a whole. One of the key things that makes this stand out on its own is the fact that this entire series is animated using sprites from the games. Just about every character that wasn’t made specifically for the series has their models taken right from their games. Mario and Luigi for example come from the Mario and Luigi role playing game (rpg) series on the Gameboy Advance (GBA), while the Sonic and Shadow sprites come from Sonic Battle also on the GBA. An extra step is taken by having the characters act like they do in their retrospective series. Mario and Luigi never actually use dialogue boxes in their games, with other characters still understanding them. The same is true here with the brothers’ words never actually being seen on screen. Going that extra step to emulate the games made the videos feel more authentic.

I was relatively young and new to the internet when Super Mario Brothers Z (SMBZ) started popping up. I wasn’t fully aware of what sprite animations were, as they weren’t as easy to make or common back then as they are now, so I would see all the action and Sonic and Mario on screen together and I thought that it was an actual game. I wanted to play it so badly on my Gameboy Advance SP. On one trip to a Gamestop, my young self boldly walked up to the lady working the register and asked “Hey, do you have Super Mario Bros Z ?” She gave me this look that said either she knew exactly what I was talking about or didn’t have a single clue at all and just nicely said that they didn’t. I went on to repeat this at several more gaming stores before I realized that it wasn’t a real game, nor did it ever claim to be. It was then that I started looking for games I wanted myself because sometimes just saying a title out loud can make you look like the strangest person around.

What made the SMBZ series so attractive and so entirely different from anything found on YouTube at the time was the animated action. You might think that since the series is using pre-made assets and models, that there must be some limitations on what can be done. However, with a bit of help from some custom new sprites as well as some fast editing and sound effects, things can get insane . Being able to translate the speed and intensity of a Dragon Ball Z fight is hard enough to copy with regular animation, yet Mark was able to do this with 2 dimensional sprites and flashing lights. And even that pales in comparison to the pure adrenaline of fights concerning the series main antagonist, Mecha-Sonic.

Originally starting off as a mostly side boss in Sonic and Knuckles , Mecha Sonic became a fan favorite thanks to this series. Like any good antagonist, he can easily prove himself as a threat to the heroes while also being able to take the hits himself. This comes across easily in the series most popular episode, Brawl on a Vanishing Island . This 30 minute episode has a variety of characters going up against each other, but the mood quickly turns the second Mecha Sonic arrives and absorbs the power of the Chaos Emeralds. What follows is an absolutely brutal beatdown of another team of antagonists, the Axem Rangers X. The speed, the sound effects, alongside an amazing remix of Sonic and Knuckles’ Doomsday Zone playing in the background, this is a simply amazing bit of animation that can’t really be put into words without it sounding absolutely ridiculous. And much like with Nazo Unleashed, so much of this was done by just one guy.

After episode 8 in 2009, things basically ended on a cliffhanger with the series being presumed over. Haynes had his own life and things to deal with, and something that took up so much time to make could be easily seen as poor use of it. In the years following, many others tried their hand at sprite animations with heavy action scenes with that becoming its very own subgenre on YouTube. Then, in 2016, Mark made a glorious return with the first episode of what was basically a reboot of the series. Fans loved it, amazed to see how far things had come. And then..there was basically nothing else. Originally, Haynes had a Patreon set up so that fans could fund him making this as well as possibly being a way for him to make this his job. It was shut down, most likely due to him directly saying it was going towards the series and Nintendo seeing it as someone else profiting off their IP. With any funding that could go towards rewarding all this time and effort being taken away, as well as Haynes having more important personal things and depression, it is unlikely that we’ll see an update anytime soon. It’s been three years since the first episode went up on YouTube, and while I still hope someday he’ll return, but as someone who knows that forcing yourself to make something others want even if you don’t want to is like, the personal happiness and health of Mark Haynes is so much more important. He’s already left an amazing legacy on the net, and the stuff he’s given us is already great enough as is.

And now to go from flash animation, to sprite animation, we’re reaching the next logical step. Out of all the series discussed in this part, this one is my absolute favorite. And it is one of the weirdest things out there. Another crossover series featuring the world of Mario and Sonic, alongside a few notable others. One that’s full of action and character, and it’s all animated in PowerPoint (no, I’m not kidding), this is Chocobro Cinemas’ The “Dimension” Saga. Strap in, things are gonna get really, really weird.

The series started in 2007, with Dimension Mix-Up as it followed various characters from Super Mario Bros, Sonic the Hedgehog, Frogger, Invader Zim, and Calvin and Hobbes. That was all 100 percent serious, and to the credit of both this and Super Mario Bros Z, there is a feeling of self-awareness running throughout the whole series. I unironically love this entire series from start to finish, mostly just due to the fact that there’s so much creativity and love being put into something that most people would just brush aside as another cheap fanfiction. When I originally found this back in 2007, it was like the most amazing thing ever. The computer I had at the time took forever to not only load flash animations, but even playing them took like 5 years for just a few seconds. I hadn’t really known what Newgrounds was fully back then either, so Super Mario Bros Z also wasn’t something I watched at the time, and I came across this. An action filled adventure that had characters not only from Sonic and Mario, but also Invader Zim which was still super huge at time, and Calvin and Hobbes?! To a megafan of all those things who would actually spend their time on Fanfiction.net reading stories about this stuff (Yes, even Calvin and Hobbes), this was like the holy grail. Also Frogger was there, so...that was cool?

This story should not work, these characters all being together on screen expecting viewers to care for them all should not work, this idea of using powerpoint back in 2007 to simulate animation of any kind should not work. Yet somehow...it does. Even with the fact that this is clearly just a camera recording a screen at this point, there’s something rather entertaining about it all. And the action isn’t half bad for something made with a tool that clearly was never meant to be used in this way. It can actually be creative with how some fight scenes are done. The whole of episode 6 is able to show off a giant robot boss battle with some pretty decent speed, while episode 8 can trick viewers with its looping backgrounds. The best part of this comes just from watching how not only does the quality of the video improve over time, but so does the writing and the story. Dimension Takeover and Dimension Obliteration are amazing and admittedly addicting watches that have the same level of love and care put into them as the previous two series discussed in this. Giving the fans such high quality action and adventures while also doing a really great job of making all the interactions feel like they’re from their source material. Well, at least as close and one can get when you have a hedgehog talking to an imaginary tiger and a group of cartoon frogs. I can’t say thank you enough times to the people who’ve made all their series, as my love of writing stories based on my own favorite series probably wouldn’t be as strong today. And hey, one can surprisingly do a good job with powerpoint. At least it wasn’t just a slide show.

Part Two: These literally are just slide shows!

Sticking to the topic of Sonic, he seems to be a super popular subject for crossovers. Besides Mario, he and his friends have appeared in both official and nonofficial meetups with all kinds of pop culture favorites. The one series that seems to dominate the realm of Sonic crossovers online is My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic . The series itself has had quite the impressive run of nine years, with its final episodes airing this year. What probably would have been seen as just another cheap product placement by the majority of people if it hadn’t been for the rather large audience of grown up fans that for a time basically ruled the internet. While in the later years the fan base has shrunk as all fandoms do, there are still those that happily enjoy watching cartoon ponies and doing various things related to them online, myself included.

Now how does a super fast and cocky blue hedgehog that saves the day from an evil egg shaped man and his army of robots have any kind of connection to a cartoon about six colorful and talented ponies as they go through their lives learning about and solving problems with the power of friendship? Well, both are series that have similar characters with Sonic and Rainbow Dash both being blue,fast, and cocky. Both series deal with giant world ending disasters by using powerful gems and the power of teamwork. And both believe in the real power of friendship. So, yeah. There’s bound to be a ton of fan series based on seeing these two worlds meet up. And hoo boy, Youtube sure seems to love hosting a ton of them.

The common theme in all the Sonic/My Little Pony Crossovers in this part is that they’re all going to be slideshows. There might be a few clips from the shows or games, maybe a piece of fanart or two, but 99 percent of the stuff in these videos is just going to be static text. Let’s start with the...highest quality one of the three brought up in this part, Sonic X Equestria by Speedstar Productions . The plot is nothing new. Eggman shows up to wreak havoc and Sonic must team up with the cast of My Little Pony, or Mane Six as they’re called, to help stop him. When I said most of these are just slideshows... I wasn’t kidding. The entire series will go from random screen cap to random promotional images, with text overlaid on the bottom. There is no original voice acting either, with the only voices that occasionally can be heard coming from the clips or sound bytes. There is no promised sense of consistency either, as photos of the characters can be pulled from different seasons, games, comics and shows all together. In this, Sonic is supposed to have his normal modern look but some screenshots are from Sonic Boom which is a show with different designs. Another example of this comes from shots of Twilight Sparkle. This show takes place in the My Little Pony world after Twilight becomes the princess of friendship and gets her own wings. Even shots from the first episode will use photos of her without them. It’s never actually a thing that matters to the show, as it acts like everything is on model, and that we can perfectly see everything that’s going on.

Another thing that this and many others like it seem to have in common is the idea that Sonic is the one doing all the work, while all the ponies just kinda...watch in the background. Sure, Twilight will pitch in with her magic every once in a while, but if Sonic’s taking on Eggman? He’s mostly going in solo. Sure, these ponies have easily taken on things like chaos incarnate, and powerful tyrants with black magic. But a man in a giant robot suit? Too unpredictable . Sure, one could argue that it’s because the mech being used in the fight only has images of Sonic fighting it...but in a later episode , the girls join in a fight that’s entirely animated! I shouldn’t be mad about this, yet I am!

Though..despite the rant, I still find myself enjoying watching this series. I can’t fully explain if it’s ironic or if it’s unironic. Maybe it comes from the fact that everyone still acts in character to their on-screen counter parts, leading to interactions that fans wanted to see. We want to see the ponies talk to Sonic characters, and help take down Eggman. The use of actual pictures from the shows and games helps too, making us help visualize it as if it were an actual episode. Maybe it comes from the fact that it feels like something I would watch in the early days of Youtube. The kinda low effort yet also decent attempt of trying to make events appear coherent in some way, even if the images shown aren’t the most in continuity. Though, episode 11 is literally the Shadic vs Nazo fight from Nazo Unleashed. Those things aside...this is still kind of a guilty pleasure watch that I’ll binge from time to time.

Sometime last year, I was looking up Nazo Unleashed videos late one night, due to that time bringing out a large sense of nostalgia for days gone. As I was looking, I saw a thumbnail that stuck out to me. Or rather...a title that stuck out to me, as well as a runtime that had my interest set to max.

The Adventures of Sonic in Equestria Nazo Unleashed The Movie HD , by Adam Selvig, is a title that feels like it should be one of those videos that promises an upload of a current movie in HD that only links to scam sites that will give your computer a virus. It isn’t that. This is a slideshow that’s the length of a movie. College lectures aren’t this long. The best way to describe this one is that Sonic and the ponies must come together to defeat Nazo as well Tempest Shadow, a character from the My Little Pony movie. Also, Sonic and Rainbow Dash have a daughter called Sondash, which is literally just art of a child Rainbow Dash. This series is weird. Another strange thing is that a lot of the channels posting Sonic / My Little Pony stuff in series like this...usually have around 1K subs. That’s nothing to any major Youtuber, but the idea that even just one thousand people subscribe to watch this stuff as soon as it comes out..is just mind blowing.

This film is part of a series, one that started all the way back in January of 2018. The playlist for this thing says that the series as of March 4th, 2019...is 103 videos long?! And with seemingly all of them in the 20 minute range...the question becomes, how long has Selvig been working on this thing, and does he have others help him with it? And again...why is it always Sonic that seems to be doing everything around here? Are the ponies just lazy now that an outsider is here?

The odd thing is that there are so many Sonic/My Little Pony crossover videos on Youtube, but when looked into, so many of them are the exact same content. Stills and transparent photos with clear backgrounds with text overlaid. And so many are able to get these creators at least a few hundred subscribers. In a surprisingly deep sea of similar executions, are there any left that stand out above the rest? Good news, there is at least one series that goes in another direction. In more mixed news, well…

This is Harmony and Chaos by Michael Evans. While originally popping up as text on gradient background sometime in 2017, the whole series is now being voiced over by its creator. That’s all this is. Text on a background while one man narrates over it in various voices. And for the most part, there isn’t much there at all in terms of action. Now, I’m only nine episodes in this seemingly sixty plus episode run with multiple seasons series, so I might be wrong. The main focus of this series is romance, and boy is there a lot of it. If there’s a male character from Sonic and a female character from My Little Pony that interact a lot in this thing, there’s a pretty good chance they’ll end up smooching somewhere on down the line. This sounds exactly like what many seem to see fan bases as general as, writing overly long amounts of fan fiction that are also chock to the brim with romance and needless drama. In this series, Rainbow Dash is getting a divorce from her husband who she thought was cheating on her, when really he only made it seem that way so that she wouldn’t have to know that he was dying from a deadly disease. It’s a move right out of the soap opera playbook.

Despite all of this, I find myself coming back to all of these series and watching them in huge chunks. It comes from a sense of odd curiosity on how the story is going to play out. It also helps that the people behind this stuff seem like just genuinely nice people that want to post their creations online and share it with the world. It’s just that the stuff they make is really weird, not bad, just strange. And even then, it’s not the most strangest thing on the net that’s out there.

Part Three: Big Adventures, Bigger Casts

The best way to start this final part was with an image. An image that perfectly tells someone everything they need to know, as well as absolutely nothing at all. Welcome to Pooh’s Adventures , a seemingly endless number of movies and tv shows that are “edited” to include characters from Winnie the Pooh, My Little Pony, Transformers, Thomas the Tank Engine and so, so many more. I put edited in quotes because really, does this count as editing in any way, shape or form? To give a basic plot outline of just about every single Pooh’s/Thomas’/Insert Character name here’s adventure, large group of characters are inserted into popular movie or show, where they help the main character of said movie or show against the antagonist who is now usually joined by other villains from various forms of media. Rinse and Repeat for every movie ever with vague hints of events from previous adventures running into this one. Take any movie, and there’s a good chance there’s at least the idea for a Pooh’s Adventures on it. Like for example Winnie The Pooh vs. Jaws , which while not a real movie as of this writing does have a devoted page on the fan wiki . And it seems to promise quite the cast of characters.

It can actually be somewhat hard in trying to find some of these, due to the fact that they’re just full movies with other copyrighted clips put in at random intervals. Those that are still up on Youtube seem to be the ones that use the most obscure of movies as their source . And just like with the Sonic/Mlp stuff, all of these channels seem to have at least a few thousand subscribers thanks to it. Of all the adventures that still remain on Youtube, Winnie the Pooh Goes to Hotel Mario / Pooh’s Adventures of Batman Forever is the one I’m most proud still remains. There is no connection between the two, besides the fact that both Hotel Mario and Batman Forever are both seen as surreal experiences that have very little connections to their source and are enjoyed in a “so bad it’s good” way.

There are still ways to find both older and newer uploads of the various adventures online. Many of the members will just upload their older stuff to Google Drive or Dropbox , and more recently, a lot of uploads are being moved to Pandora.tv, a mostly Korean based website where they can run ads on the video.

The wiki for this fandom is massive, with there being over thirty five thousand articles as of the time of this being written, with new ones being added or updated seemingly every few minutes. Most fantasy wikis can’t reach numbers that high! Though, most of the pages on it are bare-bones with only a single line or two for a ton of characters while others are pages clearly ripped right from other fandom wikis. There’s also ideas for series that are just the title and then nothing else, along with transcripts and posters put next to dozens of dead or empty links. For a site that seems so bloated and full, it’s actually pretty empty and hollow upon closer look.

I wanted to share all of this because so much of this resonates with me in some way, even Pooh’s Adventures , since I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought up crossovers with insanely large casts that really should have nothing to do with each other.I guess in a way...I saw these all as the things I wanted to make but never knew how to. I’ve always wanted to animate, to tell my stories with these characters that I know and love to as many people as possible, to hear their feedback on all of it. That’s why I got so passionate talking about all certain moments or episodes, it’s all the things I would do! They’re people just like me, and that’s why I wish Mark Haynes the best in his life, why I’ll say the guys who work on the Sonic and My Little Pony seem like nice people. That’s why I’ll be so amazed by someone having a thousand subs or more. I see myself in these creations and the experiences of their creators. The pains of depression, the joy of seeing how their work has influenced others, the effort and care put into these things. I want to see them succeed and be supported, because that shows me that I can succeed too.

#informal essay #crossover #sonic the hedgehog #pooh's adventures #smbz #Super Mario Bros Z #sonic #super mario #Mario bros #nazo unleashed #My Little Pony #my little pony friendship is magic #dimension mix up #youtube #essay #calvin and hobbes #invader zim #fandom

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animebw · 5 years ago

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Binge-Watching: The Girl in Twilight, Episodes 4-7

In which I consider this show’s admiral attempts to explore societal pressure, but groan as it falls short thanks to empty characters and painful fanservice.

Sugar and Spice

Now that we’ve officially gotten past the introductory phase and entered The Girl in Twilight’s plot proper, I think I can better pinpoint what isn’t clicking about this show. And what’s really frustrating is that now that I see a more complete picture of what it’s going for, I think there’s a version of this show that could actually work. The plot structure is very simple; after the introductory episode that laid the groundwork for the rules of how jumping between parallel worlds works, we dive into a series of 2-episode arcs, each one focused on one of Asuka’s friends being the link to another dimension and growing as a person by confronting the differences between them and their alternate selves that they’ve just jacked into. That’s not the worst idea in the world; we get to spend some quality time with each of our central characters while building up the larger plot mysteries in the background. And the world-jumping gimmick allows the opportunity to visit a bunch of cool alternate settings with unique rules and systems, so the more adventurous members of the audience are satisfied. But what really stood out to me once we got into the thick of Mia’s arc was the inner conflict she was dealing with; she was feeling stifled from acting the part of a prim, proper girl, and she wanted an outlet to take charge and find her own strength. Just like Nana, her arc revolved around her confronting societies expectations for her as a woman and deciding to chart her own path in spite of them.

And that’s a really good idea. Tying the individual character spotlights together with a central theme was the right way to go, and focusing it on the challenges of growing up as a girl in a world with very strict roles for girls has the potential for some really meaty drama. There’s a particular moment where Mia talks about how she used to love pretending to be a superhero, but as she grew up into a traditionally cute girl, everyone pegged her as “The Cute Girl” and inadvertently forced her into a box that limited her true self. ”Whenever I started talking about cute things with my friends,” she says, “the not-cute part inside me grew really uncomfortable.” That’s a really powerful idea, and I appreciate how The Girl in Twilight lets her embrace her dream of being an action hero while still letting ehr grow to appreciate the true meaning of strength, rejecting the sheriff’s twisted view of power in favor of her own, far more just interpretation. And while Chloe’s arc isn’t explicitly related to her femininity in the same way, it still spurred by that same good idea of how social pressures can threaten parts of your identity that you wish to keep. As someone who just visited Japan earlier this year, I can personally vouch for the cultural difference that French-born Chloe feels; for someone raised with the West’s values of individualism, it can be off-putting to experience a country like Japan, where the collective spirit is emphasized to such an extent. And as an intense introvert myself, I really sympathize with her desire to maintain her ability to be okay being by herself. Like Yu says, some people just have more fun by themselves, and I’m definitely one of them. But there’s still value in having a support system of friends who you’re able to spend time with as well, and the knowledge that you have connections around you can make your solitude that much more comfortable. If I looked at this script as a template to be fleshed in, I’d be really hopeful for what the finished product would look like.

And Yet So Far

So here’s the question; if the basic thematic framework of The Girl in Twilight’s story is so nuanced and well-considered, then why does the actual show barely connect with me at all? Well, the simplest answer is that for all its good intentions, the actual execution of these themes is based around characters that just don’t live up to them. Nothing about Nana’s character made her seem like someone who was struggling with her parents’ expectations of her, and while Chloe was certainly a little more distant than the rest of her friends, there was never a feeling that she was any different than them, discounting her occasional random French. They’re all just blank slates; Mia could easily be Chloe, Chloe could easily be Yu, and they all end up melding into each other in a slurry of unidentifiable secondary protagonists. It’s only when their specific arc rolls around that the story suddenly hoists problems and backstory upon them that were never present in their characters before, and once the spotlight moves off then, that depth disappears right along with them. Nothing Nana or Mia have done since their arcs makes it seem like their self-actualization’s had any meaningful effect on them, aside from the ability to turn CG and beat some monsters up; they might as well never have gone through those emotional journeys. And as a result, the plot ends up feeling meaningless, with characters plucked at random to step out on stage and do a song and dance before just as abruptly shuffled back into the chorus line, where they once again blend into the background, contributing nothing else of value.

That itself is frustrating enough, but what makes the story’s failures worse is that the show surrounding them isn’t entertaining enough in its own right to cover for these deficiencies. I think a big part of the problem is that the character animation is all really still and wooden, so all attempts to make them “quirky” just end up feeling like mannequins spouting random catchphrases, without ever embodying the emotions behind their interactions. Every interaction just feels so banal, not furthering any comedy or drama, just kinda sitting there and sinking into the upholstery. The music’s pretty bad too, which I recognize is a fairly petty complaint, but one half of the audiovisual medium is, after all, audio, and it takes a lot out of the experience when it’s not pleasant to even listen to the story being told thanks to some abrasive electronica. There are some interesting details and nuances to the worlds we visit- the duels in the Wild West world feel like something out of Kino’s Journey, and technology being the force that isolates people in the water world was a nice touch- but without the substance to flesh them out, they can’t scratch any itch below skin deep. I didn’t even get all that excited when Westworld’s Asuka turned up as a shit-talkin’ bounty hunter who flirts with the local barmaid. And let’s be brutally fucking honest, when the prospect of Kumiko as a lesbian cowgirl badass does nothing for me, something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Out Your Ass

Still, all those good intentions gone awry and haphazard story construction would only make The Girl in Twilight boring and occasionally tiring. What’s actively tipping this show over into aggravating is its sudden, catastrophic dive into lowest-quality fanservice. Because when you’re trying to weave a story about girls overcoming the pressures of a system that tries to turn their femininity against them, a luciously detailed series of panty shots forced upon our protagonist with out her consent is exactly what you need. Seriously, whatever enthusiasm I might have had for the ideas at the story’s core was sucked out the instant Yu’s sexual harassment double showed up on the scene. It’s such a cheap, gag-inducing way to shoehorn cheesecake into a show that it doesn’t fucking belong in, and that’s before we even get to the gratuitous beach episode that shoves everyone’s asses into frame at a mile a minute while the gropey bitch feels everyone up but she’s a girl so it’s tooooootally okay. Fucking retch. What’s even more infuriating is that Pervert Yu is shaping up to be arguably the story’s most important character outside of our series of rotating Asuka, with a backstory tied to an Asuka of her own and every implication that she’s going to play the Homura to Asuka’s Madoka. And I’m already cringing at the thought of this show’s inevitable attempts to give her depth and sympathy, and possibly even proper lesbian cred, while she’s out here embodying the worst aspects of the Predatory Lesbian trope. It’s an arrow right to the knee of this show’s one good conceptual foundation, a spit in the eye of its attempts to raw real meaning from these girls’ struggles with society, and an utterly unpleasant experience to sit through. Fuck you for making me sit through that shit, The Girl in Twilight. Fuck you very much.

Odds and Ends

-...when did she get that girl’s underwear? Whuh?

-”Look, everything’s getting kinda complicated, so I gotta relax a little.” Moyo, you are a gift this show does not deserve.

-Weirdly enough, I think the CG models actually look kinda decent on their own. They just don’t gel at all with the rest of the show.

-”It’s been dead since Burglarsuka.” Well, you’re not wrong.

-”I pray to God my double’s not a fan of this guy.” Something tells me there’s a reason this dipshit’s showing up everywhere.

Woof, that wasn’t very fun. I think I’ll be able to finish this show in one more session, so see you next time for the end!

#anime #the anime binge-watcher #tabw #the girl in twilight #akanesasu shojo

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katedrakeohd · 6 years ago

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The softer side of Neville..

I had fun writing this for @sirbeepsalot and the #SofterSideofNeville prompt. I hope everyone likes it.

Word count: 4164..( it kind of got away from me. LOL)

Writer tags: @dcbbw @choicesarehard @jovialyouthmusic @ritachacha @tornbetween2loves @bobasheebaby

Warnings: None really, I guess you could rate it PG.

_______

_Masquerade_

A month after King Liam's coronation the Capital city was abuzz with preparations for the annual Harvest Festival. It was the last social event of the year where the Palace and grounds were open to the public. All over the city Cordonia's citizens were gathering their family's best recipes in hopes of winning the pie baking contest.

A week before the Masquerade Ball, costume designers and local stores were busy with shoppers looking for something special to wear. It was a black tie event and by invitation only. Rumors among gossip magazines, entertainment blogs, and social media outlets were flying with who among Hollywood's elite might be there.

In a menswear shop on Fenton Street, the Capital's posh upscale shopping district, Lord Neville Vancoeur and his friend Earl Rashad Domvalier were browsing through designer suits.

"Neville if you show up in another boring Armani suit it's hardly going to be a costume." Rashad scoffed.

Neville rolls his eyes, "No kidding. So this time I'm looking for some inspiration. If I'm going to be rubbing elbows with commoners, nobility and celebrities alike I want to look good. For the first time in decades, Cordonia has a young King who everyone wants to get to know."

Rashad was looking forward to seeing the ladies at the Ball. His father was anxious for him to find a wife and settle down, but Rashad wasn't quite ready for commitment just yet. He was more interested in finding a hot Hollywood girlfriend. He wasn't sure about Neville's romantic ambitions though, he'd never seen his friend successfully pick up a date at any one of these events.

"So Neville, do you have a theme in mind for your costume? A rakish, well dressed comic book supervillain perhaps? Or something more from a classic movie character angle." Rashad wondered out loud as he looked through a rack of pinstriped dark suits.

Neville pauses from where he was looking at dress shirts, "Hey, that's not a bad idea."

"Which one?" Rashad raises an eyebrow.

"Either one. Hmmm, do you think I could pull off that dark grey pinstriped suit and that fedora as a gangster or something?"

Rashad narrows his eyes, trying to picture Neville as Al Capone or Elliot Ness from the Untouchables.

"Eh, I don't know. But that dark suit with a top hat would make you an excellent Penquin from DCs Batman."

Neville tilts his head, trying to picture it. "You know what? I like it. I wonder if they have a suit jacket with tails?"

As Neville walks over to the shop employee to ask, Rashad chuckles to himself. He could totally see Neville pulling off the dapper yet cunning Oswald Cobblepot.

Rashad frowned in thought. What could he wear to the Ball? He wanted to look handsome, not foolish. Checking out his reflection in the mirror he considered his dark features, piercing eyes and slim but athletic build. What heroic movie character could he fit into? Spotting a black pair of suit pants and an embroidered white shirt on a rack behind him in the mirror, his eyes go wide when his mind clicks onto an idea.

Zorro. Oh my goodness why hadn't he thought about that before?

Spinning back around, his eyes searched the shop for clothing pieces he could put together.

At the Palace boutique, Hana, Madeleine, Riley and Olivia were looking through dresses for costume inspiration. Riley would be on Drake's arm and she had convinced him to wear a tuxedo. He had balked at the idea of dressing fancy but she had insisted. Now she was wondering what to wear to look nice next to him.

"No, no, no." Olivia protested. "None of these dresses are the right style." She had planned to wear a sexy vampire costume with a mask. She'd already had the mask custom made to fit her face, and none of the Palace dress offerings were good enough to go with it.

Hana and Riley both roll their eyes at Olivia's whining. Riley speaks up, "You must have something suitable at home then. I know how much you covet the color red."

Madeleine turns away from the rack she's looking at and folds her arms, sneering at Olivia. "Oh please, she'd look much better in something black to match her cold dead heart."

Olivia scowls at her, "You're one to talk. Why Liam chose you as Queen is beyond me. Oh look Maddy, here's an icy blue dress that would suit your cold heart too."

Hana smirks, "Oh would you two just let it go already."

Riley picks up on the 'Elsa' reference and bursts out laughing. Olivia and Madeleine both scowl at her, not getting the joke.

Still giggling, Riley tries to catch her breath. "So Hana, do you have a date for the Ball?"

Hana bites her lip, "Not really. But I'm assuming Maxwell will be without a date either, so he'll make do as a companion."

Olivia scoffs, "You two are both so foolishly cheerful most of the time you make a good pair. I'm assuming Riley is going to stumble around the dance floor with the oafish Mr. Walker."

Riley frowns, "Hey, we've been taking dance lessons. I'm sure Drake and I will manage just fine."

Olivia turns to leave the boutique, "Whatever you say. I have some calls to make to my favorite dress designer. Good luck Ladies."

The night of the Ball, Drake goes to Riley's room to pick her up. Stopping outside her door he tugs at the white collar of his dress shirt, trying to loosen the strangled sensation his black bowtie was causing around his neck. Sucking in a deep breath to calm his nerves, he lets it out slowly then knocks.

Standing at her mirror, Riley fixes her earring. She was wearing a long black satin gown that skimmed her curvy figure in places, and hugged it in others. It was cut low in the back, and dropped into a deep vee in the front. She hoped the ballroom wasn't going to be too chilly. On her face she wore a black lace cat mask. Her hair was in a partial updo, secured with a black sparkly clip, the rest of her hair falling in chestnut curls against her shoulders. Her makeup was simple, so as not to be ruined by the mask, and she wore a bright red lipstick that matched her fingernails.

"Come in," she says when she hears Drake's knock.

Drake swings the door open, "I hope you're rea-.." Then his mind goes blank. Wow, she looked incredible. Turning around, Riley smirks at his dumbstruck expression. Walking over to him she straightens his tie.

"What's the matter Drake, cat got your tongue?"

The cat's got my everything tied up in knots at the moment, he thought.

Having her so close to him in that ridiculously sexy dress, those red lips of hers turned up in a sly grin, he felt warm all over. He needed to get control of himself, quickly, if he was going to lead her into the ballroom and not embarrass them both. Damnit she was still touching him, smoothing the lapels of his jacket...

Drake steps back, brushing her hands aside. "Ahem, enough fussing over me Brooks. I already feel like I'm dressed like one of the waiters."

Riley scoops up her clutch from the desk and then takes his arm.

"Nonsense Drake, you look very handsome, even if a tux isn't really much of a costume. Who are supposed to be?"

Drake leads her out of the door then closes it. He hadn't a clue what to say at first, but then glancing at the cat mask she was wearing he had a spark of inspiration.

"I'm Bruce Wayne."

A red carpet lolled out of the doors of the Palace like the long tongue of a snake. Flashbulbs of press photographers bombarded each limousine and sleek luxury car as it pulled up to eject its passengers.

Flocks of Nobles from all over Cordonia and Europe, Hollywood movie stars, and local dignitaries were arriving. Some wore elaborate costumes, some wore formal wear and masks, and some were just dressed in formal wear.

Neville and Rashad shared the backseat of a limousine. Waiting in a long line of other sleak automobiles, they were both getting impatient at the delay.

Rashad shifted in his seat again, adjusting his mask, every time he moved the sword he wore at his side rattled. Neville rolled his eyes at him and sighed.

"Seriously Rashad, the Palace security isn't going to let you into the Ball wearing that thing. Even if it is part of your costume."

Rashad looked over at Neville. With his top hat, monocle, and cane he looked like the dapper gentleman. He felt kind of foolish in his black mask, bolero hat and tall boots. But he had no doubts about who was going to catch more attention from the women. He wish he could have arrived on horseback since it suited his Spanish persona better. The press would have eaten it up.

Hana and Riley are standing next to a table of hors d'oeurves and sipping champagne. Drake had ditched Riley shortly after they made their grand entrance into the ballroom. When the camera flashes had gone off, Drake's body had stiffened and Riley had to keep a death grip on his arm to stop him from running away. Once he had spotted Hana at the hors d'oeurves table he escorted her that far and then made himself scarce. Riley didn't mind, because she knew these sort of events weren't his kind of thing, but she had made him promise to give her at least one waltz before the night was over.

The two ladies were oohing and aweing over the various costumes and trying to pick out the celebrities and nobles that they recognized.

Hana, in her flowered goddess of spring costume dress was getting plenty of looks of her own. With Riley's dark and sleek next to her sweet and ethereal they were the perfect picture of opposites. Yin and Yang.

Hana took a sip of her champagne and then gestured to a group of men standing across the room, nursing drinks and plates of food of their own.

"I can pick out Drake for sure, because for once his dressed up tuxedo looks casual compared to the other guys. But who is that guy in the tophat, tails and gloves? I don't recognize him."

Riley takes a moment to appreciate Drake in his tux, and then looks over the other men. She didn't know many of the noblemen at court, but she could pick out most of the Hollywood celebrities.

"I haven't a clue but the tall man in the bolero hat and boots looks like a tasty snack."

Hana takes in his costume and frowns. "He looks like a cross between a thief and a pirate. What is he dressed as?"

Riley takes a sip of her champagne and then smiles as she catches his eye from across the room. "He's not wearing the sword, but that is definitely a Zorro costume."

"What's a Zorro?" Hana asks.

"Not a what, a who. He stole from the rich and gave to the poor, sort of a Spanish version of Robin Hood." Riley says.

As the orchestra begins the first waltz of the evening, guests start pairing up. Drake stays rooted to his spot, there wasn't enough whiskey in him yet to attempt any dancing foolishness. The costumed men next to him were openly debating which available women they wanted to proposition to be a dance partner. He eavesdropped on their conversation, waiting for the chance to defend the honour of Riley or Hana if they received any harsh comments.

Neville sipped his wine, and listened to Rashad talk about his options as he scanned the room himself.

"The dark haired vixen over there keeps looking at me." Rashad says, tipping his hat at Riley.

Drake frowns and then interrupts, "Actually I think she's wearing a cat mask."

Rashad smirks at Drake, "Oh believe me, I know a fox when I see one. Pardon me, I think I've found my first partner for the evening."

Before Drake can protest, Rashad weaves his way across the dancefloor and makes his way over to Hana and Riley.

Neville notices Drake's frown deepen as Rashad sweeps his cape to the side with a flourish, removes his hat and bows low to kiss Riley's hand.

"You seem to be interested in her as well, do you know her?" Neville says turning to Drake.

Drake tears his eyes away from Riley and Rashad, just realizing that the stranger next to him had asked him something.

"Huh? Oh yeah, I know her." Drake says, downing the last of his whiskey.

When he looks back across the room he sees Hana standing by herself. Damn, that Zorro dickhead took her for a dance. He searches the crowd for his ridiculous hat, seeing them both on the far side of the room.

Neville gestures to Hana with his wine glass. "Well now that Rashad has claimed the girl in the black dress, why not take her for a spin instead? She is quite attractive."

Drake attempts to swallow the lump in his throat. He knew he couldn't keep up with the rest of the gentlemen dancers on the floor. He decides to spare Hana's toes from getting stomped on.

"Go ahead. She's a nice dancer. Her name is Hana by the way."

Neville grins, pulling off his hat and gloves and handing them to Drake. "I wouldn't mind at all, she does have a lovely smile. Here hold these will you?"

Drake is left alone at the bar, reluctantly holding Neville's things, as he strides over and approaches Hana. Looking down, he shoves the hat and gloves toward the bewildered bartender and then walks away.

Riley smiles up at Rashad as he whisks her across the dancefloor. He was an excellent dancer, even if she had to keep moving his hand off of her ass from time to time. He kept blaming it on the slippery nature of her gown, but she knew better. He held her against him a little too firmly at times as well, but she just went along with it. The dance wouldn't go on forever, and he was ridiculously charming. From time to time she spotted Hana dancing with someone as well. The dance steps of Hana's partner were more precise than romantic, and Riley wondered who he was. She'd lost sight of Drake entirely, and her scanning the room for him meant she often fell out of step with Rashad. He kept correcting her, and was losing his patience from her not following his lead.

Maxwell, carrying a plate of appetizers, finds Drake standing alone in the corridor between the ballroom and library. "Hey there Drake, I thought you came to this shindig with Riley?"

Drake sighs with exasperation. "Yes I know, but dancing isn't really my thing."

Maxwell looks hurt for a moment, since he was Drake and Riley's dance teacher, "But you were doing so well with your lessons."

"Dancing with Riley in private is one thing. But dancing with Riley with everyone else watching is something else." Drake replies, he really hated the idea of Riley dancing with somebody else, but he didn't want his own limitations to get in the way of her enjoying herself.

Maxwell pats him on the arm. "I understand buddy, big events like this can be overwhelming. But she's your date, and I know she would rather dance with you, squashed toes or not."

Drake nods, swiping the last shrimp canapé from Maxwell's plate and eating it. "You have a point. I promised her a dance afterall."

Maxwell smiles as Drake turns and walks back into the ballroom. "Go getter tiger."

As Drake makes his way through the crowd, he sees Liam talking with Madeleine nearby. Liam waves him over. Once he's within earshot Liam smiles and says, "So Drake, how are you enjoying the festivities so far?"

Drake shrugs, picking up a glass of champagne from a passing server, "The food is tasty, but the drinks are better. So everything is fine."

Madeleine smirks, "High praise from Mr. Walker, so glad we're keeping you entertained."

Drake frowns at her and then downs his champagne. Stifling his burp with his fist. He feels amused at Madeleine's look of disgust.

Liam just shakes his head and grins. "So Drake are we going to see you on the floor during the upcoming Cordonian Waltz?"

Drake's eyebrows shoot up, and his eyes desperately search the crowd for Riley. "Uh, if I can find where my date has run off to sure!"

He breathes a sigh of relief when he sees Riley walking over to them. "Oh look there she is."

Drake smiles as Riley steps up to him and tucks her hand under his arm. "Good evening your Majesty, Countess Madeleine." she says with a curtsey.

Liam looks Riley over from top to toe and gives her a warm smile.

Madeleine quirks an eyebrow, taking in Riley's risque choice of dress. "Good evening Riley."

As the orchestra begins the opening notes of the Cordonian Waltz, Madeleine pats Liam on the arm to draw his attention away from Riley. "Uh sweetheart, shall we dance?"

Liam's face flushes slightly as she leads him away, "Oh certainly..."

Drake slips an arm around Riley's waist, feeling how thin her dress actually was, sweeping his hand over her hip he didn't feel any discernible undergarments. Leaning in he whispers in her ear, "Please tell me you're not naked under this dress."

Riley turns her face toward him, her lips a breath away from his. "Maybe, maybe not." she says.

Closing his eyes, Drake groans and then looks away. "You're trying to kill me aren't you?"

As Riley leads him onto the dancefloor she whispers, "You'd die a very happy man Drake."

As guests start pairing up again, Riley sees Hana being led onto the floor by Rashad, Penelope is in the arms of his friend.

Taking up the starting position Riley checks Drake's form, he seemed to be ok. "Ready?" she asks.

"Yup," he lied. Drake was terrified.

As they sweep through the first few steps without any problems, Drake feels his confidence rising. Maybe he could do this afterall.

They both stumble a little but manage to avoid eachother's toes, and the other dancers. Drake holds up his arm and watches Riley do her spin. He smiles and brings her in close, her back pressed up to his chest. As the music changes, Riley twirls out of his arms again. When she gives him a slight curtsey and then turns toward her next partner, Drake starts to panic. Oh crap! I forgot this was supposed to be a group thing.

Drake turns to accept his next partner. It's a woman in a bluish green costume dress, he guessed by the design and the sequins she was supposed to represent a mermaid. She flashes a dazzling white smile at him as he takes her hand, leading her through the same steps as he did Riley. He tries not to step on the hem of her sparkly dress as he goes through the motions. Her red curly hair kept whipping him in the face, and he clamps his mouth shut so he doesn't have to taste it too. When he raises her hand and she does her spin she giggles and nearly trips over her dress. He gasps and reaches out to grab her by the waist to steady her. When she leans in close and attempts to kiss him, he panics and pushes her away gently. "Uh sorry, but no thanks."

Looking at the other dancers around them, to see which move he was supposed to be doing, he carefully turns her around and after giving her a slight bow, hands her off to the next gentleman.

He takes a quick look around the room to see where Riley was. She was with a man he didn't recognize, but by her smile and blush she did seem to recognize him. Drake tries to ignore the person who was tapping him gently on the shoulder with a shrug. "Um Drake?"

He turns to see Hana, and then breathes a sigh of relief. "Oh thank God it's you. Please tell me this waltz ends soon."

He takes Hana's hand, not fighting her as she corrects his form and they go through the rest of the steps smoothly together. "Don't worry Drake," she says with a smile. "I should be your last partner."

Drake doesn't mind dancing with Hana, as she participated in Maxwell's dance lessons with him and Riley. She knew how to avoid his clumsy feet and smiled and nodded as he performed steps of a dance correctly. She was an excellent and patient teacher.

Drake smiles as she dances gracefully next to, and with him as the music ends. As he bows and she curtsies to end the waltz he's deeply relieved. "Thanks Hana. I'm so glad you didn't turn out to be another drunk mermaid."

Hana giggles and takes his arm as he leads her off the dance floor. "Oh my goodness Drake you poor thing."

Drake and Hana meet up with Riley, Rashad, Neville and Maxwell by the bar. Riley smiles and settles in next to Drake. He wraps his arm around her again, laying his hand on her hip. She wraps her arm behind him as well, tucking her thumb into his back pocket and cupping his ass cheek. Drake shoots her a warning look and she just smirks back at him with defiance.

Hana cozies up next to Maxwell, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Rashad and Neville exchange a surprised glance, assuming they're standing with two couples. Rashad removes his hat and mask, raking his hands back through his hair to fix it. He smiles and extends his hand to Maxwell in greeting.

"Lord Beaumont can you properly introduce us to your friends? I know we've both danced with these lovely ladies tonight but didn't know they were friends of yours."

Maxwell laughs and then shakes Rashad's hand, "Oh I'm sorry, sure. This lovely goddess of spring next to me is Miss Hana Lee of Shanghai. Hana meet Earl Rashad Domvalier."

Hana and Riley remove their masks. Hana smiles, "It's a pleasure to meet you Rashad."

Rashad smiles, bowing low and taking Hana's hand and kisses it. "The pleasure is all mine Miss Lee. You are a lovely dancer."

"Thankyou Rashad, you're too kind."

No he's not, thought Neville. He's a lecherous lothario and if you only knew, you'd probably want to wash that hand Miss Lee.

Rashad straightens back up again, and then smiles, patting Neville on the back.

"Oh where are my manners? Lord Maxwell, Miss Lee, this gentleman next to me is Lord Neville Vancoeur."

Neville nods and smiles, "It's a pleasure to meet you both. And who are your other friends Lord Maxwell?"

Maxwell turns and indicates Drake and Riley. "Oh this is Drake Walker and Riley..."

"Riley Brooks!" ... Neville's eyes go wide. "Oh my goodness I recognize you now. Those tabloid photos of you and Tariq didn't do you any favours did they? You're far lovelier looking in person."

Riley's smile falters, not sure how to respond. Drake's arm tightens around her protectively.

Neville's expression goes from one of surprise to being apologetic, "Oh don't worry I don't believe the trash in the tabloids."

He steps forward and gives her a slight bow. "It is a pleasure to meet you as well Miss Brooks, and from what I've read you're being sponsored by the Beaumonts, a most honorable house."

Riley smiles, relaxing a little, "Thankyou Lord.."

Neville smiles, "Oh please, just call me Neville."

Drake extends his hand in greeting, "Lord Neville."

Neville shakes it, "It's a pleasure to meet you as well Mr. Walker... Walker?..Why does that name sound familiar?"

Drake braces himself for some kind of commoner insult. But it doesn't happen.

"The son of Jackson Walker I presume?" Neville's smile widens, he keeps a hold of Drake's hand, placing his other hand on Drake's arm to extend his warm greeting.

Drake frowns slightly. "You knew my Father?"

Neville shakes his head, "No unfortunately, but it's an honour to shake the hand of the son of a National Hero."

Drake grins, feeling a mixture of pride and embarassment. He'd never been acknowledged that way before. "Th..thanks."

Neville lets go of his hand, still smiling. He turns toward the others in the group. "Well now that we're all acquainted, why don't we all celebrate with a round of drinks?"

Drake glances at Riley, raising an eyebrow. "Sure, why not?" She says with a smile.

Everyone turns back toward the bar.

"Bartender? Six whiskeys please." Drake says.

-- the end--

#thesoftersideofneville #theroyalromance

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cosplayinamerica · 6 years ago

Photo

Squirtle Squad (Japanese gang fashion version)

I've gotten a bit stuck on the idea that since Pokemon fight each other, gajinka versions would be really tough looking characters! I did a Punk Bulbasaur a few years ago, and when my friend made a post about the amazing Sukeban and Bosozoku Japanese gang fashions it immediately got me thinking about my favorite gang of all... the Squirtle Squad! I've also wanted an excuse to make one of those amazing embroidered long jackets the Bosozoku gangs wear, so I figured this was my chance!

ColossalCon East was coming up, so I did some simple concept sketches of what I thought a Squirtle Squad Girl Gang would look like, then put it up on social media to see if any friends would be interested in doing a group. And they totally were!

We got 8 people to join in, and everyone really took the concept and ran with it, which was super cool! I did a bunch of research Japanese gangs and came up with a Squirtle themed gang logo that we all have on the back of our outfit. We all bought the same fabric as a base, but after that everyone put their outfit together in the way they wanted! It ended up giving the group a lot of depth and detail, each of us came up with some really fun and clever part to our costume that was special. We really geeked out over it! The response was amazing at the con. First of all I don't think I've ever gotten "in character" the way I did with the Squad! Maybe it's just the fact of dressing the same as 7 other people and running around with a boombox in an arcade/water park but we were all having SO. MUCH. FUN. I think most people first would notice us because we were a big rowdy group, but then they would see the sunglasses and the color of our outfits, and the shells on our backs and it would just CLICK. You could literally see the dawning realization on a lot of faces, and I think it made people more excited when they "got it". Plus I think Pokemon and the Squirtle Squad hold a special place in a lot of nerd hearts, so I think we took a bunch of people on a nostalgia trip with us that weekend!

My favorite was running into an all male Squirtle Squad! We had both taken our groups in really different directions and it was amazing pretending to face off Sharks and Jets style, but actually, we were all instantly best friends and I was living for the huge mess of Squirtles we made together. Really cosplay has been a huge impact at this point! Not only for the creative outlet and the skills I've been learning, but the people I've met through cosplay have changed my life a lot. I think most of us who go to anime cons are outliers in some way, and when I started going to conventions in costume it was incredibly liberating. I felt like a whole other person! But it turns out that that other person is actually just another side of myself, and over a few years of cosplaying those sides have started coming closer together. The friends I make in costume or because of costumes have become my real actual friends, and doing this Squirtle Squad group was such an amazing example of this. Working together collaboratively on this project really brought us together in a special way. We even had a member from across the country who we never met before the con, and she is amazing and a wonderful new friend because of it! I think the reaction and camaraderie we got from the Squirtle Squad group was really special, and we've definitely had more people interested to join for next time. So for sure, the biggest impact of cosplay has been the friends I have made because of it, and I really look forward to the new people I will meet in the future! ---- Alchemical Cosplay Photo : http://amiephotos.com (l-r) top photo KT - https://www.instagram.com/cornettocosplay/ Aida - https://www.instagram.com/whimsiestmimsy/ Jacqui - https://www.instagram.com/alchemicalcosplay/ Gillian Conahan - https://www.instagram.com/gillianconahan/ Lauren - https://www.instagram.com/pitchforkcosplay/ Bex - https://www.instagram.com/cornettocosplay/

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ddreammcatcher · 6 years ago

Text

My true colors

A/N: This is my fourth entry for Criminal Minds Trope Bingo hosted by @cmbingo. I started writing this a while ago for someones writing challenge and never finished it, so I decided to finish it and post it here. This is the longest fic I’ve ever written. This isn’t really edited, so sorry about that.

Square filled: Bull pen/free space

Warnings: Mentions of suicide and self harm

Word count: 11038

Summery: When Garcias coworkers find out she has depression, her life changes

I had just gotten home and I could finally take off my armor and relax. Not real armor, just the armor I use to protect myself. My name is Penelope Garcia. At work I'm the happy bubbly one that everyone loves. They don't know the secrets and feelings I choose to hide from them. In all honesty, if they did, they would be afraid. Hell, I'm afraid of my own mind all the time. I decide to watch tv and binge eat ice cream for the rest of the night. Food and tv are two of the biggest things that have gotten me through the past couple months. I let the memories and tears come to me.

5 years ago

My mom had just gotten remarried. It was supposed to be a happy day, but for me it wasn't. I felt like I wasn't enough for her and that she needed more. It really hurt. I had two new stepbrothers. They didn't really seem to like me to start with, but they warmed up to me. We moved in together. They started their own new life that I never truly felt a part of. There were times when things were good when I felt like part of the family. Making homemade pizza… decorating cookies… picnics in the park… but the feelings never seemed to last. I always felt like the odd one out at the house. It probably had to do with the fact that I lived with my dad part time and they all lived there full time. I never really felt like i belonged. I tried talking to my mom about it, but she never seemed to understand. She told me that I could become part of the family, I just needed to participate more. Yet no matter what I tried, it was never enough.

My show ends, pulling me back to reality. I wipe away some of the tears and hit play on the next episode. I’m watching my favorite show, which I’ve seen a million times. It comforts me that's what I seem to need these days. As the theme music starts up, I float back to memories.

4 years ago

Since my mom got remarried, things have gotten worse and worse. I’ve become more distant and keep my feelings a secret. I don’t talk about them to anyone. Until one day when I get told to go talk to my counselor. For that first couple of weeks, we only talk about school stuff. Eventually I tell her how I’m feeling. She takes me to meet the school therapist. I realize that I was so nervous to meet her, but she changed my life so much. It turns out I have depression and anxiety. It’s a horrible combo and can make my life hell at times. My thoughts are horrible. Many times that year, I have suicidal thoughts. Some worse than others. The really bad ones end up with a trip to my therapists office even if I wasn’t scheduled to see her.

I’m crying really hard right now. I’m not really watching my show anymore. I’m just using it for background noise because it helps. I know that I owe my first therapist so much for helping me work through things and get to the point where I was able to graduate. She helped me get through when my step brother tried to kill himself. With that thought, I start crying harder and go back to that day.

3 years ago

It was a Friday. Me and my mom were sitting at home talking. She decided she wanted to talk about my depression and how it had been. I did NOT want to have that conversation. We have been talking for a little bit when her phone rings. I sigh in relief. It means that this conversation can be over. Sadly it's an unknown number, so she sends them to voicemail. We finally finish the horrible conversation and the phone rings again. My mom answers this time. Turns out its the police. One of my stepbrothers had climbed over the bridge above a highway. We went to the hospital to see him. He was in the hospital for a week. It was a horrible week for me and I was so glad when he came home.

My phone buzzes, making me jump. I’m crying really hard. So hard that I can’t read the notification on my phone. I wipe some of the tears away and see its a message from my boss. He wants to talk to me tomorrow morning. I grown. This is not a good sign. He has never asked me to meet with him like this. I go back to the day that I met him.

2 years ago

I had graduated high school 4 months ago. I had an interview for the first time in my life and I was so nervous. I sit in a waiting room. A man walks out. He's wearing a suit. That’s not the first thing I notice. The first thing I notice are his eyes. I can see the tension in them. He calls my name. I get up and walk up to him. “Penelope Garcia?” He asks sternly. “Yes, that's me.” I reply nervously. “I’m agent Hotchner.” He leads me into an office. I take a seat. He sits in the chair behind his desk. “I’ve seen your records. I think that you could have a place here. I need you to go through the academy before I can hire you.” His eyes have softened, which I take as a good sign. “I would love to be part of the team.” I say with a big smile. I spent the next year at the academy. Learning everything I could. Coding became my life. It became one of the few outlets I had when my depression got really bad.

My phone buzzes again. Its Hotch, my boss. He reassures me that it is nothing bad. It doesn’t really help. I still have no idea why he wants to talk to me. He doesn’t know about my depression. No one on my team knows about it. I go back to the first time I met them.

1 year ago

It was my first official day. I was nervous to meet the team, but also excited. I went to Hotch's office first to get my credentials. We talked over some basic things. Then we leave his office and he introduces me to the team. I know I have to be bubbly and I can’t let anyone see how my depression affects me. Derek Morgan is the first person I meet. He calls me baby girl, which I don’t know how to feel about. I guess it's kinda cute. Then I meet Emily Prentiss. She's sweet and pretty. She smiles at me and makes me relax somewhat. Then I meet Dave Rossi and Spencer Reid. Rossi takes me in a hug the moment he sees me. Reid is more withdrawn. I’m okay with that. Then JJ walks in and my whole world stops. She’s drop dead gorgeous. After meeting the team, Hotch shows me to my office. I walk in and it's amazing.

I come back from that memory a little bit happier. My phone buzzes. I see that it’s another message from Hotch. I sigh wondering what he could possibly want. It just says that he hopes i have a good night. I cry myself to sleep. It’s something that I’ve done every night for years.

Over the past year, I've grown close to the team. I know that they all care about me, but I still haven’t told anyone about my depression. I don’t want them to look at me differently because of it. Most days I’m able to control it. I know that my depression is never going to go away, but it's better than in high school. When it seems like I can’t control it, I hide in my office until I can control it. Today seems to be one of the days that it’s harder to control it. I know that i have to. At least until after my meeting with Hotch.

I walk in to the building somewhat nervous. I don’t know if I can do this, but I know that I have to. I drop off my stuff in my office and then go to Hotch's office. I knock when I get there and he opens the door immediately. I look in and see that JJ is in there as well. Their eyes have worry in them. Great, this is not going to be fun. “Whats up Hotch?” I ask as happily as possible. He takes a seat. “Have a seat Penelope.” He never calls me by my first name, which means this has to be serious. I take a seat. “Penelope, we are worried about you.” Hotch says softly. Fuck. How the hell did they figure it out? “I’m okay.” JJ just gives me this look. She speaks for the first time. “Penelope, I found this.” She hands me a note. I open it. Shit. It’s a suicide note I wrote a while ago. I completely forgot that I had it at work. I look at JJ and then at Hotch. They both have looks of worry. “I’m okay. I promise.” I say with a cheerful voice. “Penelope, this doesn’t seem like you are okay.” JJ says. Hotch just sits there and lets JJ talk to me.

I turn and walk out of his office and go to my office. I close the door behind me and lock it. I disable the passcode so no one can get in. They found out and I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t want them to know because they will treat me differently. My depression is just a part of me. My depression is not who I am. I’m crying and I hate it. There is a knock on the door, but I ignore it. I don’t want to talk to any of them. I just want to go home. I was doing such a good job of hiding it. How did things get this bad? I promised myself that my depression was not going to mess up this job, but it looks like it has.

My door is knocked on again. “Penelope, baby girl, let me in.” Derek says gently. “Go away!” I yell at him. I hear him gasp in shock. I never yell at people here. I guess everything is coming out today. I hear him walk away. A couple minutes later my door is knocked on again. “Penelope, its JJ. Let me in please? We don’t have to talk, just let me be with you.” I have been crying this whole time. The way she says it comforts me. It’s probably because she's a mom. I slowly open the door and let her in. I close it after her.

I go and sit on the couch I have in my office. JJ comes and sits next to me, but not touching me. I curl into a ball facing away from her. She puts her hand on my leg. When I don’t try to move away from her, she leaves it there. After awhile, she moves it up to my back and rubs circles on it. It’s actually really relaxing. We stay there for a while. Me crying and her rubbing my back. Eventually I sit up and look at her. “I’m really sorry.” I say as I brush away some left over tears. “Penelope, you never have to apologize for how you are feeling.” She says softly. “Okay.” I say. “Penelope, what's going on?” She asks gently. I know that telling her isn’t a good idea, but it’s what I need right now.

“You really want to know?” Ask quietly. “Penelope, I care about you. Of course I want to know.” She says it with confidence. “I have depression.” I say as I look down. “Penelope, look at me.” I look up. She’s not upset, she's just worried. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” I hesitate. “Because everytime I tell someone I have depression, they treat me differently. I didn’t want that to happen with you guys.” I say as the tears start to fall again. “Penelope, we all know that depression is an illness. It’s not who you are. We already know who you are and we love you.” She says with a tone that says it’s not up for debate. “But this entire time I haven’t been honest with you guys.” I cry out. “Penelope, its okay. We all have been through things that we hide from each other.” She says calmly. “I doubt it.” I retort. She looks at me with tears in her eyes. “My older sister killed herself when she was 16. I haven’t told anyone else that.” She says softly. I look at her and blink. “How have you kept that to yourself all this time?” I ask. “I’ve learned that it's part of me. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s a piece of me that hurts, but it's only a piece, not all of me.” She says. “You make it sound so easy.” I say. “It takes time and patience to get to this point.” she says.

I lean into her. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.” I say quietly. She lets me lean on her. “It’s okay. You need to tell Hotch. Even if no one else on the team knows, he needs to.” She says. “Ugh. Fine.” I know it's the right thing to do, I just don’t want to do it. “Thank you Penelope. Do you want to do it in here or in his office?” She looks at me, knowing that if it's going to happen, I need to feel as safe as possible. “In here.” I say. She nods. “I’ll text Hotch to come here.” She says as she pulls out her phone. She texts him and a couple of minutes later the door is knocked on. JJ opens it and Hotch walks in. I’m still sitting on the couch and JJ joins me on it. Hotch grabs the chair and brings it over near us. He’s still worried and its obvious. “Whats going on Penelope?” He asks gently. I look at JJ about to panic. She takes my hand and squeezes it. I take a deep breath. “I have depression.” I say quietly.

Hotch doesn’t say anything for a little bit. I look at him to see he isn’t surprised. Once I look at him, he starts talking. “Penelope, why didn’t you tell me earlier?” He asks. “I didn’t want anyone to treat me different.” I say shakily. He just looks at me confused. “Usually when I tell people, they start acting differently. They act like I could break at any moment.” I say. He nods. “Penelope, you know I have to report this right?” He asks. “No. Please don’t.” I start crying. “Penelope, I need you to have a psych eval. Until then, you’re on probation. That means that you can’t work cases.” He says it sternly. “Hotch. How could you?!?” I shout. I’m pissed. “Get out!” I yell. “Okay.” He says calmly. He gets up and leaves.

JJ looks at me. “Don’t say it.” I say to her as I break down in tears. She just opens her arms to me. I curl myself into her embrace. I cry for a while. Once I’m done, I sit up and sit next to her. “Penelope, you know he just wants what's best for you.” She says gently. “I know. I just hate feeling this way.” I sigh. She nods. “You do need to be cleared before he will let you go back to work.” JJ says. “Ugh. I know.” I grown. “If you want, I could have someone come in and do it today.” JJ says gently. “I guess. I might as well.” I say as I’m still crying. “Okay. I’ll get Hotch to make the call. I’ll be right back.” She gets up and leaves. I know that this is what is best for me, but I don’t want to do it.

I need to go to the bathroom, which requires me to leave my room. On the way to the bathroom, I hear JJ and Derek talking. “JJ, what’s going on?” His voice has tension in it. “I can’t tell you.” She replies. “JJ, is she okay?” He asks. “I’m going to take care of her. I need to go talk to Hotch.” She replies sadly. She walks away and up the stairs to Hotch’s office. I turn and head into the bathroom. On the way back, I don’t see anyone, which I’m glad about. I have tear tracks down my face. I think about just leaving and going home. It might be better. Yet I also know that it would worry everyone. Still, it’s really tempting to just leave. I decide that I’m going to leave. I get my stuff and head towards the elevator. On my way there, Rossi sees me. “Hey Garcia, what's up?” He had just gotten there and has no idea what’s happening. I hear JJ’s voice as she leaves Hotch’s office. I squeak and duck in the elevator. Rossi puts his arm on the door to keep it open. “Garcia? What's wrong?” JJ is walking back towards my office when she hears Rossi say my name. She turns towards the elevator. When she walks up, she and Rossi make eye contact. “What’s up JJ?” Rossi asks curiously. “I need to talk to Penelope alone.” She says. Rossi nods and leaves.

“Garcia, what are you doing?” JJ asks worried. “I have to get out of here.” I say in a panic. “Penelope, take some deep breaths.” She says. “I can’t do this right now.” I blurt. “Penelope, try to match your breathing with mine.” She says calmly. I listen to her and try to do it. It helps me calm down. “Okay. Now can we go back to your office and talk?” She asks. “Okay.” I say with a sigh. I follow her back to my office. I plop down on the couch. “I just want to go home and forget about today.” I say. “I know Penelope, but this is something you have to deal with.” She says softly. “I don’t f***ing want to!” I yell at her. She flinches a little bit. “Penelope, take some deep breaths.” She says calmly. I do and it helps.

My door is knocked on. JJ gets up and opens it. Dr. Nelson walks in. I’ve never actually talked to her because my last psych eval was done at the academy. I know who she is because she came to see Reid and got lost, so I had to help her. “Hey Penelope, I hear you’re having a rough time right now.” She says gently. I scoff at her and roll my eyes. She and JJ share a look that says they both know that I’m not in a good place. “JJ, would it be possible for you to leave? I can come find you when I’m done.” She asks. “Sure.” JJ says and then she leaves. “Penelope, can you tell me what's going on?” She asks. Her voice is gentle, but I don’t say anything. I just cry again. She just sits there and lets me cry. After a while, the tears stop. “Penelope, Hotch told me you have depression. How long have you had it for?” She asks. “Four years.” I say bluntly. “Okay, have you ever had counselling for it?” She asks. I know she's just trying to get a foundation to go off of. “Yeah, for two years. I haven't seen a therapist since I graduated high school.” I say. She nods. She asks me a bunch of different questions. Finally we are done. “Here's what I want to do and I know you are not going to like it, so hear me out.” She looks at me until I nod. “I want you to see a counselor or therapist. Until they say, you are not cleared for duty.” “No. Not fair!” I interrupt. “I’m not done. Also, I want you to have someone stay at your house until the therapist or counselor sees fit.” “What? Why the f*** does someone need to stay with me?” I’m pissed. “Penelope, you wrote a suicide note. It is a serious deal. There is a therapist in the Bureau that I think you would get along with well. I’ll set up an appointment with her and then let you know when it is.” She states. “Fine. Just leave me alone.” I snap. “Okay. I’m going to let Hotch know what I’ve decided. He can decide who stays with you.” She says.

When she leaves, JJ comes back in. “Feeling any better?” JJ asks. “Go the f*** away!” I yell at her. When I get mad I get pissed, which makes me yell at people. She flinches. “I’m not going .

anywhere Penelope.” She states. We just sit there in silence. I’m pissed and I don’t want to talk about it. About 20 min later, my door is knocked on. JJ opens it and Hotch walks in. “JJ, can Penelope and I talk alone?” Hotch asks. “Sure.” She gets up and leaves.

“Penelope, I talked to Dr.Nelson. She told me that she wants someone to be with you at all times. I think that it would be best if JJ stays with you.” He says. “Hotch. Please don’t do this. I’m okay. I promise. JJ needs to work on cases.” I say. It comes out in one breath. “Penelope, this is not a request. It is going to happen. It's more important that you are safe then for JJ to work cases.” He's tense and I know that it's not up for debate. “Fine!”

That night, JJ comes home with me. Before we go home, we go to her house so she can get some of her stuff. When we get to my house, I go to my room and close the door, JJ opens it seconds later. “Penelope, Dr.Nelson wants me to search your room for anything you could use to hurt yourself.” JJ says gently. “This is exactly what I was worried about. People treating me like I’m going to break.” I spout. “Penelope, I’m just worried about you. I promise that this doesn’t change how I see you.” She says with force. “Okay.” She searches my room and then leaves me alone for the rest of the night.

The next day, I drag myself out of bed and to the therapists. I really don’t want to be here. A woman walks out. “Penelope?” I get up and walk up to her. I follow her back to her office. I take a seat on the couch. “Hi. I’m Abby. How are you today?” I decide it's time to put my armor back on. “I’m doing great.” I say. She makes a face that says she knows I’m lying. Then she writes something down. “Penelope, I talked to Dr.Nelson. I want you to be able to be honest with me.” She says kindly. I don’t trust her yet, so there is no way that I am letting her in. “Penelope, why did you write a suicide note?” She asks gently. “When can I go back to work?” I ask with a happy tone. She sighs. “Penelope, you can’t go back to work until you work through some of the stuff you are dealing with.” “I’m not dealing with anything, I’m doing great.” I’m not going to let her get inside no matter how much she tries.

We don’t get very far in that session. We don’t get anywhere for awhile. I keep her out and put up my armor. She keeps trying to get in, but it doesn’t get anywhere. It’s been two weeks and nothing has changed. I spend my days watching tv and binge eating. I go to therapy twice a week. I know that this is no way to live my life, but right now I don’t care. I don’t want to deal with any of this. I just want to back to being the perky happy person that everyone knows. I know that it isn’t who I really am, but at least my life had a purpose. Right now, there is no purpose. I’m staying alive for my team. The fact that JJ confiscated all of the things I could use to hurt myself that were in my house makes it harder to do anything.

JJ talks to Hotch almost everyday. I know that the two of them are worried about me. I’ve tried to make JJ go back to work multiple times, but she won’t budge. She spends her days with me, trying to help however she can. What she doesn’t know is that I don’t want help. I just want to forget about this. I want to push the rewind button and go back to before any of this happened. I know that things are never going to go back to the way they were and that bugs me.

At my next therapy sessions, Abby finally gets me to say something other than my normal perky responses. “Penelope, at some point you are going to have to deal with this. You can’t keep living your life like this.” She says. “Why not? It’s not like I have any purpose anymore.” I say it before I think it through. I really wish I could take it back. “Penelope, why do you think you don't have a purpose any more?” She asks. I can’t decide if I should let her in or if I should keep her out. I decide not to say anything else. We only have a couple of minutes left. I’ll figure out what I want in the next couple of days. “Okay Penelope, we will continue this conversation on Thursday.” She states. I get up and walk out.

JJ follows me back to the car. We go back home. When we get there, I go in my room and close the door. JJ has come to realize that when I close my door, I want to be alone. There are days when I will leave it open or hang out in the living room. Those are my good days. Even if I don’t want to admit it, I know I’m not in a good place. It might be time to let Abby in and start to deal with some of my stuff. I don’t know. The last person I let in hurt me. I don’t know if I’m ready to take that risk again. Yet it might be helpful to get some of my issues out of my head. I’m scared to talk about my problems because that means that they are real.

I wonder out to the kitchen to find food. I hear JJ on the phone in the other room. She doesn’t know that I left my room. “I know Hotch. What else can we do though?” Then there's a pause. “Okay. We can talk about this on Friday.” JJ has a tone that she says she's not happy about where the conversation is going. “Hotch, we can’t force her to do anything. She needs to do this at her own pace. I’ll talk to Abby thursday night and see what she thinks. I’ll talk to you later.” JJ hangs up and doesn’t move. I grab a bag of chips and go back to my room.

On Thursday, I go to therapy. I’ve decided that I need to open up at least a little bit. I go back to her office and take a seat. “Hi Penelope. How are you today?” She asks. I know she’s expecting my normal response of ‘I’m great’. “I’m okay. I’ve been better.” I sigh. I can see the shock in her eyes. “Okay. I thought we could start where we left off last time. You said you had no purpose. Why do you think this?” She asks. I sigh. “Because I can’t do anything right.” I say. I can feel the tears that are ready to fall. Stupid tears, they are going to give me away. I still haven’t decided how much I want to let her in. “Penelope, why do you feel like you can’t do anything right? You got in to the FBI.” She says cautiously. I don’t say anything, I just keep crying. She just lets me sit there and cry. After a while, the tears slow to a stop. I sniffle and then look at her. “Penelope, I know that you have kept others out for so long.” She says. “I don’t want anyone to think that I’m weak.” I blurt. “Penelope, the bravest thing you can do is to let others in. You are showing them your darkest thoughts,” She says kindly. “I don’t know if I can do that.” I sniffle. “That’s okay. We don’t have to rush it. Is there anything else you want to talk about today?” I guess I can tell her why I don’t want to talk about things. “I don’t want to talk about what’s happened in the past because that means that they are real.” I say slowly. She makes a confused look. “Okay, that’s all the time we have today. I’ll see you monday.” I get up and walk out.

I walk out and see JJ and Hotch sitting there. “What’s going on?” I ask. I’m worried about what they are going to say. “Hey Penelope. Hotch wanted to talk to Abby and we were just catching up before you were done.” JJ responds. “Okay. Can we leave now JJ?” I ask. I’m about to cry and I would really like to do it in my bed and not in the FBI. “Sure. I’ll talk to you later Hotch.” JJ says. We get in the elevator to leave. We stop on the floor the BAU is on and I hold my breath. When the doors open, Derek is standing there. I make eye contact and then lower my head. His eyes having worry and sadness in them. He gets in and we ride in silence for a while. Then Derek starts talking. “Hey baby girl. I miss you and your teasing.” Once he says that, I break down in tears. He looks at JJ in confusion.

The elevator stops on the floor above the lobby. I quickly get off and run for the safety of an office I know is never used. I hear JJ shout at me to stop, but I just keep going. Once I get to the office, I close the door and curl up into a ball. Opening up to Abby was emotionally draining. I know that it was good and was going to have to happen at some point. The door opens and JJ comes in. “Hey Penelope, what happened?” She asks. I don’t say anything, I just keep crying. “Should I go get Abby?” She asks. I shrug. It might be good to talk to her. Yet I don’t want to let her in and her seeing me like this would force me to explain it to her. “Penelope, how can I help you?” She asks quietly. I shrug again. Her phone buzzes repeatedly, which means she’s getting a call. “I’ll be right back.” She says.

She closes the door, but I can still hear her. “Hey Hotch.” Then there’s a pause. “No, we didn’t even make it to the car. Derek got in the elevator with us and tried to talk to her. She broke down crying.” She sighs and listens to what he has to say. “In an office on the second floor.” She says. Then there is another pause. “I don’t know. I asked her if she wanted me to get Abby and she just shrugged. I don’t know what we should do.” She sighs. Then there is a long pause. “Okay. Let's give it a shot, but it could go very badly.” She hangs up and walks back in. She looks at me. “You weren’t supposed to hear that.” She says. I shrug. My tears have pretty much stopped. Abby walks in a little bit later. I ended up in a corner in a ball on the floor. When she comes in, JJ leaves. She comes and sits by me. “Hey Penelope, I heard things didn’t go well after you left. Do you want to talk about it?” She asks. I shake my head no. “Okay, that's fine.” She leans against a couch that is in the room. We just sit there for a while. Eventually I uncurl and look at her. “Whats going on?” She asks. It’s not demanding. It's more like she’s wondering and isn’t going to push me to tell her. I sigh. “I’m emotionally drained.” I mutter. She nods. “That makes sense Penelope. You kept people out for years and you started to open up to me. It’s going to be exhausting.” She says kindly. Hearing that helps a lot. “I think I’m ready to go home.” I say. She nods. We get up and walk out together.

That night, I just go to my room and curl up on the bed. I watch The Office, which helps. The next few days, I talk to JJ a little bit. I can’t let her in yet, but I know she cares. On sunday, we watch a movie together. We haven’t done that ever. Usually I just go in my room to watch movies. We end up falling asleep on the couch together. I wake up halfway through the night screaming. This is something that I’ve gotten used to by now. I focus on my breathing and try to get it and my heart rate back to normal. My scream woke JJ up. “Penelope, what's wrong?” She asks worried. “It’s fine JJ, go back to sleep.” I say with a yawn. “Penelope, you woke up screaming. That’s not normal.” She says concerned. I sigh. “It’s normal for me. It happens almost every night.” She looks really concerned. “JJ, I’ve learned to live with them.” I say tiredly. “You shouldn’t have to deal with them.” She says sadly. “It’s okay JJ.” I get up and go climb in my own bed.

The next morning, I wake up to find JJ still asleep on the couch. I smile at how peaceful she is. She’s been so stressed over me the past couple of weeks. I wish she could be this peaceful all the time. I look at the clock and realize it’s already 10:35. I have therapy and 11 and it takes 15 min to drive there. I decide not to wake up JJ. She looks so peaceful. I get ready and then get in my car. It takes me a few minutes to be able to turn the car on. I drive to the FBI fine. I know the route by heart.

When I get there, I end up in the elevator with Hotch. “Hey Penelope, where's JJ?” He looks worried. “She was asleep when I needed to leave, so I just let her sleep.” He sighs and looks annoyed. He doesn’t get off at the BAU, but comes up with me. I get off and he follows me. I turn to face him. “Hotch, I’m fine. I’m not going to hurt myself, I promise.” I see the corners of his mouth turn upward. Abby walks out and takes in the scene. “Hey Penelope.” “Hey.” I follow her back to her office. Once we sit down, she looks at me in confusion. “Where’s JJ?” She wonders. “At home asleep. I left her a note.” I say. She sighs. “Penelope, we talked about this. She’s there to make sure you’re safe.” I roll my eyes. “I’m not a child, I can take care of myself.” I pout. She smiles. “Penelope, do you think you are able to keep yourself safe without JJ there?” She asks. “Yes, I do.” I say with confidence. “Okay, I’ll think about reducing the time she’s with you. Now we need to talk about what happened on Thursday.” She says.

I grown. “I know you don’t want to talk about it Penelope, but we need to. What did Derek say to you?” She asks. How does she know about Derek? JJ must have talked to her. I sigh. “He told me he missed me and my teasing.” I choke on the words. “Why does that hurt you so much?” She asks. I don’t say anything for a while and she doesn’t push me to talk. Finally I talk. “Because that’s who I was when I was hiding my depression. I don’t want that to change, but I’m afraid it will once he learns about my depression.” I say. She nods. “Do you think he would care? He knows you.” She says. “He doesn’t know me with my depression.” I say annoyed. “Penelope, JJ told me that you know your depression is just a part of you and not who you are. What if he sees it that way as well?” I sigh. “I don't know. I’m not ready to take the step.” I say. “Okay, that’s fine.” I look at the clock. “I guess we are out of time.” I say with relief. “Yes, we are. I want you to think about how Derek would feel if you told him. I’m not saying do anything, just think about it.” She smiles. “Thank you for opening up to me.” I nod. I get up and leave.

I walk out to see Hotch. “Hey Hotch. I’m fine. I promise.” I say. He looks at me. “JJ called me when she woke up. She was worried about you. I told her that you were here and that calmed her down.” He says. “I didn’t mean to worry her. I just didn’t see the point of waking her up just to drive me here.” I sigh. He smiles. It’s a small one, but it’s the first one I’ve see from him in a long time. “Okay. I need to go talk to Abby. I’ll see you later.” He says. I take the elevator down and don’t run into anyone from the BAU, which I’m glad about. I start my car and drive back home.

I get home and JJ is sitting on the couch flipping through channels. “Hey JJ, sorry I worried you. I didn’t mean to. You just looked so peaceful and I didn’t want to wake you.” I say quickly before she can say anything. She smiles. “That’s fine.” Two smiles in a day and Abby will see about reducing how often JJ is with me. It’s been a good day and it’s only noon. I smile. It's just a small one, but it is the first real one I have had in a long time. Things finally seem like they are getting better.

I stop closing my door as often. I still have my bad days where I hide in my room, but they are less often than they were before. JJ is still at my house full time. I want her to go home, but I know she won’t. Wednesday afternoon I plop down next to JJ on the couch. “Hey Penelope, what’s up?” She’s become a little less worried about me since Monday. I know that Hotch talked to Abby and must have told JJ about it. I’m glad that she isn’t as worried about me. I have a feeling that she will always worry about me a little bit, but I don’t want it to be all she thinks about.

“JJ, I’m really sorry I’ve worried you so much. I never wanted to worry you.” I say. She just looks at me. She’s not mad at me. “Penelope, I worry because I care about you. I don’t want to lose you. I’ve already lost one person that I love and I don’t want to lose another one.” She says sadly. I know that she’s thinking about her sister. She must really miss her. “Okay. I care about you. The BAU and our family is the main thing that kept me going.” I say with a sigh. “Penelope, they are worried about you. Especially Derek.” She says. I sigh. “I know, but I’m not ready to tell them yet.” I say. She nods. “That’s fine. Take your time. I’m glad you are starting to open up to me and Abby more.” She says with a small smile.

The next two weeks go by quickly. I go to therapy and open up completely to Abby. It feels really good to get stuff off of my chest. JJ knows some of what I’ve been through. She’s still living at my house, but it no longer bugs me. I want to go back to work so badly. I’m not ready to tell the team what’s been going on, but I want to go back to coding and helping people.

One night I steal JJs computer and do some coding on it. It feels so good and relaxing. JJ walks in on me when I’m doing it and smiles. She doesn’t say anything, just leaves me to do my thing. The next day I go to therapy. I have a small smile on my face. I go back to her office. “Hey Abby.” I say. She looks up. “Hey Penelope, what’s up?” She notices the smile on my face. “I did some coding last night.” She frowns. “Penelope, was it for the BAU?” She asks. “No. I didn’t look at any cases.” I say. She relaxes. “That’s good. How do you feel about JJ still living with you?” She asks curiously. I shrug. “It’s fine. I don’t really care about it.” I reply. She smiles. “Okay. I think it’s time for JJ to stop living with you.” She says. “What?” I say with shock. “Yeah. You’re doing really well and have opened up a lot. I feel like you would be able to reach out to someone if you were having a really hard time.” She says. “Okay. That sounds good.” I reply happily. “Now, have you thought about telling the rest of the team about your depression?” She asks. I sigh. “I don’t know. I know that I need to tell them at some point, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.” She nods.

I walk out of her office in a good mood. Hotch is sitting in the waiting room. “Hey Penelope, you look good.” He says with a smile. “Thanks Hotch. It’s been a good couple of days.” I say happily. Hey looks at me with a look I haven’t seen from him ever. Relief. He can tell that things are getting better and knows that I’m at a better place in my life. Abby comes out. “Hey Hotch.” She says with a small smile. “Hey Abby. I see that things are going well.” He replies. “Yeah, lets go talk in my office.” They walk away. I walk to the elevator with a little more energy in my step. The elevator stops at the floor the BAU is on to let people off. I make eye contact with Derek for a second or two and then the doors close.

When I get home, I find JJ on the phone. I sit on the couch until she gets off the phone. She comes in and sits down. “Hey Penelope, that was Hotch.” She says a little sadly. I look at her in confusion. “I thought you would be thrilled to go home.” I say quietly. She sighs. “I am thrilled to go home, but not because I want to be apart from you. I’m thrilled because it means that you are doing better. I’ve really enjoyed being with you.” She looks at me. I nod. “That makes sense. I’ve enjoyed having you here as well, but I’m ready to be on my own again. Even if it’s only to prove to myself that I can be.” I say. She nods and gives me a side hug. “I understand. I’ll leave tomorrow.” She says sadly.

That night, me and JJ just hang out. We both know that it's going to feel weird for a while. We have been living together for almost a month. I know that this is an amazing step in my journey. Later in the evening, Derek texts me. It’s short and sweet. It simply says ‘Hey baby girl. It was good to see you today.’ It makes me smile. I sigh in confusion. I want to tell him, but I’m still afraid of how he is going to react. I know that I am going to have to tell the team at some point. I know that in order to do it, I’m going to have to tell Derek first.

JJ leaves the next morning. It feels really weird to be in my house alone. The next couple of weeks go slowly. Mostly all I do is go to therapy. JJ and Hotch check up on me, but they know I’m doing okay. It takes a month after JJ left for me to be okay with the idea of telling Derek about what I’ve been going through. I know that I’m going to need Abby’s help if I am going to be able to do it.

On Thursday, I go to therapy. “Hey Abby.” I say as I plop down. She looks at me confused. My voice lost the excitement it had last time. “Hey Penelope, what’s going on?” She asks cautiously. I sigh. “I am super bored. I want to go back to work so badly.” I whine. She smiles. “Not yet Penelope, I’m not sure if you are ready to.” She says gently. I sigh. “Okay.” I say. “Have you put any more thought into telling the team about your depression?” She asks. I sigh. “I know that I need to tell Derek before I tell the rest of the team.” I say. “Okay, do you know when you want to do that?” She asks. I sigh. “Can we do it now?” I ask quietly. “Sure. If you want to do that, we can. Do you want to do it in here?” She knows that this is going to be hard. “Yeah.” I say. “Okay. I’ll call him.”

She picks up the phone and finds his number. “Hey Derek. I was wondering if you could come to my office?” She says. There’s a pause. “No, nothing's wrong.” There’s another pause. “See you soon.” She hangs up. He’s on his way up. I nod. Her door is knocked on a couple of minutes later. She opens the door to him. When he sees that I am in there, he smiles, but I can tell that he's still worried and sad. “Hey baby girl.” He says. He chokes on his words. “Hey. I have something to tell you.” I say. I’m nervous. He takes a seat. “What’s up?” He says with concern. I take a deep breath. “Derek, I have depression.” I say. He takes a minute to process. “Thank you for telling me baby girl. Is there anything I can do to help?” He says. “Just don’t treat me differently?” I ask. He smiles. “Of course. You’re my baby girl and nothing changes that. Are you worried that I’m going to treat you differently?” He asks with confusion. I nod. “Penelope, depression is a part of you. It isn’t all of who you are. You are still the same person that I know and love.” He says with certainty. “Okay. Thank you.”He leaves after that and I sigh with relief. Abby looks at me. “How did that feel?” She asks. “It felt really good.” I say with a smile. “Good. I will see you on Monday.” She says. I get up and leave.

The next week on Thursday, I walk out of therapy to see both Derek and Hotch sitting in the lobby. “Hey guys, what’s up?” I ask nervously. “I’m really glad you told me baby girl.” Derek says. I can tell that he has been hurting not knowing what’s been going on with me. Hotch looks at me with pride. “I’m going to talk to Abby and see about you coming back to work after your Monday session.” He says. I look at him with surprise. “I’m not really sure If I’m ready for that.” I say. “Just think about it okay?” Hotch says with a smile.

The next few days I spend my time trying to figure out how I feel about going back to work. I know that I want to, but I’m still not sure I’m ready to. On Monday, I go to therapy, knowing that we are going to talk about going back to work. “Hey Abby. I say with a sigh. “Hey Penelope. I heard Hotch talked to you about going back to work. How do you feel about that?” She asks. I sigh. “I want to go back, but I don’t know if I am ready to. I feel like I’m still not stable enough to go back to work.” I say. She smiles. “Penelope, two months ago, you couldn’t tell anyone about your depression. Look at where you are now.” She says. I pause and think about what she said. “True, but going back to work means that I deal with cases again.” I say with a sigh. “Are you worried about them triggering you?” She asks gently. “Yeah. You know how much I’ve been through with my family. Some of the cases are really hard for me to deal with.”

She nods. “Do you think you would be able to use your coping skills or reach out when things are getting worse?” She asks. I shrug. “Penelope, I know things with your family haven’t been easy for a while now. I also know that you felt like you found a family when you joined the BAU.” She replies. “Yeah, I have. Which makes it hard. I don’t know if I’m ready to face them yet. I haven’t talked to some of them since this stuff started.” I say. “Okay. What if you did something else with them before you went back to work? Something fun that you all enjoy. That way you could see them and get more comfortable with them before you have to deal with cases as well?” She asks. “That might work. I guess I’m just scared to see them again.” I say with a sigh. “Why are you scared to see them?” She asks. I sigh and roll my eyes. She’s really annoying right now. “Because I kept all of them out of what has been going on with me. If they are my family, then I should have been honest with them.” She looks at me. I know that she’s going to play devil's advocate. “They are your family. The should be understanding of what’s been going on. Family doesn’t have to be blood. It just has to be someone who will support you.” She says. I smile slightly. “Okay, I’ll think about doing something with them.” I say. “Okay, I’ll see you on thursday.”

I get up and leave. In the lobby, I stop. I know that if something is going to happen, I’m going to need JJ to be there. For that to happen, I’m going to have to get Hotch to help me set it up.I could text her. Or I could just stop by her office. I know they are not on a case right now. I guess I’m going to have to face the BAU again at some point. I take the elevator and get off at the BAU floor. I walk up to the doors and stop. I decide that I should talk to Hotch first. I take a deep breath and pull the doors open. I don’t stop to talk to anyone. I walk straight to Hotch’s office. I knock on his door. “Come in.” I open the door and he glances up. When he sees that it's me, he quickly closes the folder. It’s probably case related and I’m still not cleared for duty.

He looks up at me. “Hey Penelope, what's up?” He asks confused. I take a seat. This is going to take a while. “I want to have a get together before I go back to work, but I’m not sure how to set it up. I feel weird asking people.” I say with a sigh. He thinks for a little while. “We could have it at my place and I could invite everyone.” I sigh. “That would be amazing. When do you think we could do it?” I ask. “Well, right now we are not on a case. Who knows when that’s going to change. Let's do it tomorrow night.” He says. I nod. “Thank you Hotch.” “No problem.”

While I’m waiting for the elevator, Derek walks up to me. “Hey baby girl, whats up?” “Just went to talk to Hotch.” I say with a sigh. “Okay. Everything alright?” He asks. “Yeah. its fine.” I sigh. Luckily the elevator comes then. Derek gets on it with me. We ride in silence. I’m really glad when we get off.

I go home and fall on the couch. I’m not sure I’m ready for this. I know it has to happen at some point. The rest of the day, I just watch tv. The next morning I wake up anxious. I do not want to go to this get together. I know it will be good to see them. I’m just not sure I’m ready to. I sigh and get out of bed. I take a shower for ½ an hour. I cry most of the time I’m in the shower. I decide that I need to talk to Abby about this. I get ready to go and drive to the FBI. I manage to get up to her floor without running into anyone.

I knock on her door. She opens it and looks concerned. “Penelope, what’s up?” I sigh. “I don’t know if I can do this.” I mumble. “Do what?” She asks with curiosity. “Go see my team members again.” I say quietly. She nods. “When are you seeing them?” “Tonight.” I sigh. “Okay, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” She asks. I sigh. “They could all be upset at me and not want to talk to me.” I say with a sigh. She looks at me with a look that makes me reconsider. “Are you sure about that?” She asks. I sigh. “No. I’m pretty sure they will care about me and be happy to see me.” I say with a sigh. She nods. “Are you worried about them asking where you have been?” She asks. I nod quickly. “Okay, I understand not knowing how to answer them. You don’t have to tell them what’s been going on.” She says. I look at her annoyed. “They deserve to know. They care about me and have been worried.” I say annoyed. “Penelope, it’s up to you, but you need to be comfortable with them. How about telling them that you have been taking time for yourself? Eventually you can tell them the truth if you want.” She says. I nod. “I think I can do that.” She smiles. “Feel better?” “Somewhat. I think I’m ready to do this now.” I say. “Okay, I’ll see you in a couple of days.” She says. I nod and get up and walk out.

That evening, I go over to hotch's house. I get there before anyone else. “Hey Hotch, is everyone coming?” I ask nervously. “Yeah. Neither JJ or Derek have told any of them what has actually been going on. It’s up to you how much you tell them.” He says confidently. I nod. The doorbell rings. Hotch goes and gets it and JJ walks back in with him. “Penelope, I didn’t expect to see you here.” She says surprised. I smile. Hotch chuckles. “This was her idea.” Hotch says. JJ looks at me in amazement. “You’re ready to see everyone again?” She asks. I nod. “Yeah, I am.” The doorbell rings again. When Hotch returns, Emily and Dave are with him. When Dave sees me, he gives me a big hug. “It’s good to see you kiddo. How have you been?” He asks kindly. “It's good to see you as well. I’ve been doing pretty well. How have you been?” I say with a smile. He smiles at me. “I’ve been pretty good. It’s great to see you.” He says.

Once everyone gets there, we eat dinner. The rest of the night is upbeat and relaxed. I don’t tell them what’s been going on. I just tell them that I’ve been taking some time for myself. Everyone is happy to see me. We end up hanging out late in to the night. We laugh and tell jokes. We talk about what I’ve missed in people's personal lives. I leave feeling happy and content. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. It’s a weird feeling. It’s nice, just weird. I know that this what a healthy life is like. Hanging out with friends, feeling happy, having fun.

The next day I just hang out at home. I’m so bored. On Thursday I go to therapy. Once I take a seat on the couch, we start talking. “Hey Penelope, how was it seeing your coworkers?” She asks in an upbeat tone. “It was good. They were all happy to see me.” I say with a small smile. “That’s good. Do you feel more comfortable being around them now?” She asks. “Yes. It felt really good to be with them.” I say with a smile. She nods. “Do you think you are ready to go back to work?” She asks. I look at her for a little bit. “Yeah, I guess.” I say slowly. “Good. I think that you are as well. As long as you continue to see me, you are cleared for duty.” She says with a big smile. I smile. “Thank you Abby.” I say softly. “Don’t thank me. You did all of the work. I’ll let Hotch know today. Also, you still have to see me. You can’t skip just because I cleared you for duty.” She says sternly. I laugh. “Okay. I promise I will still come.” I say. “Good. Now, I’ll see you on Monday.” She says with a small smile. I nod and leave.

I go home in a good mood. I’m cleared for duty. That means I can go back to work. It means that I don’t have to be home alone all the time anymore. Hotch texts me that night and asks when I want to start again. I tell him that I’ll start on Monday after I see Abby. That gives me the weekend to get used to the fact that I’m going back to work. Friday and the weekend I just hang out at home. JJ comes over and we watch a movie and order pizza.

On monday, I pack my bag for work. I go to the FBI and go see Abby. “Hey Penelope, did you start back to work yet?” She says with a small smile. “No. I’m starting today.” I say. “How do you feel about that?” She asks. “I’m nervous. I know that my coworkers care about me and want to see me. Yet I’m still worried about what they think of me.” I say with a sigh. She nods. “Do you really have anything to worry about?” She asks. I sigh. “I guess not. I know that everything will be fine, but I worry that it won’t.” I say. “It’s okay to be worried. Just don’t let it control you or what you do.” She says. “Okay. I think I’m ready for this.” I say. “Alright. I’ll be here all day, so if you need to talk just come on up. Otherwise I’ll see on Thursday.” She says. “Okay. I’ll see you later.” I get up and take the elevator down to the BAU.

I walk to my office and turn on the lights. The last time I was in here I cried so much. I just stand there and take it in for a couple of minutes. My door opens pulling me back to reality. Hotch walks in. He’s smiling. I know that he’s proud of me. “Hey. If you need to at any point feel free to go talk to Abby.” He says. I know that he’s trying to make this as easy for me as possible. I nod. “Thanks Hotch.” I say. “Anyway, we have a case.” He says with tension. “Okay.” I say. I follow him into the conference room.

Two months later

Things have been going pretty well. I’m down to seeing Abby once a week instead of twice. I’ve been coping with working cases really well. Nothing has been too triggering. I hang out with my coworkers. I don’t hide behind my mask of happiness anymore. My coworkers are okay with that and realize that being happy all the time isn’t the real me. I’m okay with being a little more open now. JJ comes over every couple of days when she isn’t working a case.

The next case we get is a really bad one. The couple was forced to kill themselves. Hotch leaves JJ behind and I know it’s for my sake. She hangs out in my office for a while. My depression is pretty bad and I know it has to do with this case. Once JJ leaves, I lock the door so I can just be alone for a little bit. I just sit there staring into space. I’m trying not to break down in tears. It doesn’t work. I end up crying. I hate that I’m crying again. JJ knocks on my door. “Penelope, let me in please.” she says with worry. I get up and open the door for her. She can see I’m crying. “Penelope, go talk to Abby.” she states. I nod and walk to the elevator.

When I get to her office, I knock. She opens the door immediately. “Hey Penelope, what's going on?” She asks with worry. I plop down on the couch. I’m crying and not talking. “Penelope, does this have to do with the case you're working?” She wonders. I nod. “Okay, do you want to tell me about it?” She asks gently. I take a deep breath and talk through the tears. “The couple was forced to kill themselves.” I shutter. “Okay, how has this case made you feel?” She asks. I look at her and roll my eyes. “Seriously? How do you think it has made me feel?” I say with sarcasm. She raises an eyebrow. I sigh. “It’s been really hard and it’s bringing back things I hadn’t thought about in a while.” I continue to cry. She nods.

“Do you think it would be a good idea to hand this case off to someone else?” She asks. I know that she's worried about me. “No.” I say sternly. “Why not? There’s nothing wrong with asking for help Penelope.” She says softly. “I’m going to have to deal with hard cases. I can’t hand them off to someone else every time it's hard.” I say annoyed. “Penelope, its one case, not the rest of your career.” I roll my eyes at her. “I don’t want to have to give up any of them. I want to be able to deal with them. I managed to do it before, I know I can do it again.” I say sternly. She gives me a look that says ‘seriously, is this how you want to play it?’ I sigh. “I know how I dealt with things before wasn’t the right way to do it. I just want to be able to prove that I’m okay and can do my job.” I state. “Who are you trying to prove that to? You’ve been working cases for two months now. All of your coworkers that i’ve talked to are proud of you. They can see that you are meant for this job.” I sigh. “I guess I’m trying to prove it to myself. That I can be good enough at something.” I say. “Penelope, you work for the FBI. It’s one of the hardest places to get accepted at. Why do they think they chose you?” She asks. I shrug. “I don’t really know.” She makes eye contact with me. “They chose you because you are the best at what you do.” I let it sink in for a little bit. “Okay.” I say. “Do you believe me?” She asks. I nod. “Alright. Do you think you’re okay to go back to work?” She wonders. “Yes, I do.” I say confidently. “Okay. Come back up if you need to talk more.” She says. I nod as I get up and leave.

After talking to her, I feel better. The rest of the case is tough. I manage to get through it. It’s painful and I cry more than I thought I would. Yet I make it through. The case ends with the bad guy being killed when he tried to shoot Derek. I feel a little bit better knowing that he isn’t alive anymore and can’t hurt people that way again. The whole case brought up memories for me that I didn’t really want to deal with. I know that I’m always going to have memories and feelings that I don’t want to deal with. This case proved that I am able to deal with whatever comes my way. For the first time in a long time I feel content with who I am and what version of myself I show to the world.

#cmbingo19 #Penelope Garcia #aaron hotchner #Jennifer Jareau #derek morgan #Criminal Minds #Criminal Minds Fanfiction #therapy #depression #Suicide #self harm

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