#and that does a lot more harm than letting yourself have a positive time every goddamn once in a while

[avicecaro]

constant use of negative language to describe yourself — making an identity out of your unhealthy habits or unhappiness, calling yourself ugly or stupid (especially as a "joke"), giving a voice to the negative thoughts that claim no one likes you (which makes those who do like you feel hurt or unappreciated), constant casual remarks about suicide or self harm that we know just instill the thought deeper in your mind — these aren’t required responses to anxiety, depression, insecurity, etc. your friends do care about you and should. when you need help, your support system should offer it just as you support them.

but a constant stream of self-deprecation, on top of being flat out uncomfortable to be around, creates a cycle of degradation —> validation —> degradation. every time you look in a mirror or a photo and you say out loud "god i’m so ugly. i’m disgusting. i hate myself." you see happy couples and you have to remark "no one would ever love me like that, lol." you’re waiting for someone to disagree. and they do. the people you love tell you that these things you say about yourself are untrue and unfair. and tomorrow you say them again, and pause in wait for their reply (though you quibble with that as well). but this is an exhausting cycle — for everyone involved. part of eliminating these thoughts from your mind is to stop giving them a voice, and to stop relying on them as a way to receive affection and affirmation and identity. it will drive people away, and you will tell yourself that it’s proof you were right all along. it’s not.

insecurity is boring. self deprecating jokes are annoying. saying nobody likes you is driving away people who like you. no one has the patience to perform nonstop emotional labor and they should not be expected to. choose to be less cringe <3

[the-dumpster-fire-of-life]

Hiii, loved to see that you a writing for arcane again. Tbh I just loved Isha and Jinx, so could could you make headcanons for how Jinx, Vi and Cait would be like taking care of or rising a kid with a girlfriend or s/o?

Sure I can! I don’t want he post to be huge though so I’ll break it up into three separate ones! Enjoy!

Family Bound

Raising or looking after a kid was not easy by any means, but taking care of one with Jinx was even harder

Jinx does not know how to be a paternal figure, or an older sibling kind of figure

She has really bad experiences with the only ones she’s ever known, so how was she supposed to fix that with some kid she’s not even related to?

But, for your sake, I feel like jinx loves you enough to try

If the kid was your sibling, I feel like she would be more reserved and distant from the child

In some way you and your little sibling remind her of herself and Vi when they were young and it’s not a good thing

She’s only able to take care of the kid once she separated those two things and finally able to bond with the kid

It takes a lot of time and patience from you for Jinx to be able to bond with the kid

If y’all found the kiddo, I feel like it would be easier for her to take care of it more than it being your sibling

When she does come around, Jinx can be very protective of the kid

She’s more the parent that doesn’t discipline and lets the kid get away with stuff, which causes some behavioral issues and arguments between you two cause that’s not really a good thing

So she has to learn from you how to take care of the child

She teaches the kid lots of things like how to invent gadgets, to make sure they work, how to protect yourself, and lots of other things like that

On more positive notes:

You’re the main bridge between the two so when they’re left alone together, they have no clue what to do or how to bond

But you do find little bits and pieces of a genuine bond forming between the two

You see the little smile Jinx wears when she finds genuine joy in taking care of them

She wonders how anyone could abandon their child or harm them when the one she takes care of with you is so beautifully innocent and childlike

In a way the kid heals the inner child and the Powder still inside of Jinx

She takes care of them in the way she wished Silco or Vi was

And she understands them in a way not even you can, especially if they show signs that Powder and Jinx did when she was young

She likes goofing off with the kid, and she likes playing around with them

You’ve found them roughhousing and giggling more times than you could count

and you’ve found them testing out bombs, which only happens when it’s in a safe place and a safe distance away

Jinx would never intentionally harm your guys’ child

She loves them so much that sometimes it’s scary to see how attached she has become

She doesn’t know what she would do if anything happened to you or the kid

She doesn’t ever wanna scare them, which has only happpened once

Jinx was having a freak out after everything has happened, probably after Vi was found to be an enforcer or after their fight

She was going through it, yelling, breaking things and crying and screaming

She didn’t notice how scared your guys’ child was until they started crying

Jinx felt her heart break, and even if she was ashamed of doing it, she ran out

She didn’t know how to handle the gaf she scare them so much

She was gone for a while and when she came back she was visibly distant

It took a lot of patience and reassurance for her to come back around the kid without being hesitant about every move

But the kid loved her, and when she saw your child was more sad about the fact she was gone, it broke her heart and almost healed it at the same time

She doesn’t know what she would do if they feared her badly

She loves coloring with the little girl or boy, and she likes helping them figure out outfits

She likes running around the lanes with them, or going to the old hideout

The two also love messing with Sevika as the woman has now joined your little mini family

Jinx and the kid often pass out together, both on the ground or wherever and limbs tangled and snoring with drool on the corners of their lips

Which means you have to carry both to bed a lot of the time

Jinx loves. Showing he kid to invent, and how to fight and everything

She loves seeing the sparkle in the kids eye when she shows them fireworks and anything Jinx

She and the kid have a bond you don’t know how to describe

She also doesn’t try to keep the fact of who she is and the things she’s done a secret from the child

Sometimes she can be harsh, but it’s from a space of love even if the kid gets hurt feelings

She always makes up for it though

[greenboyfriend]

choose something cold... (tarot card reading)

"what do you need to know?"

image 1: it's cold. I mean, really cold. but your blood is warm, even if your fingers are blue. where's your soul? image 2: a framed painting depicting a wintry landscape, complete with a log cabin, whose blue smoke trickles from its chimney and blends in with the world around it. image 3: three ornate glasses, made of ice. are those cracks intentional? or just by virtue of its design? image source not everything may resonate with you, and that's ok! take what does & leave the rest. don't force it.

1.・。.・゜✭

there’s an opportunity being presented to you. it may be a celebration of some kind, or just something that has a lot of excitement surrounding it. what i’m getting most of all is that this may be a chance to find freedom. with the seven of swords reversed, maybe you’re the type of person to handle your problems on your own, “lone wolf” style. there’s a million reasons why someone might do this, but for you, you’re afraid or distrusting in others. when you opened up in the past, maybe it didn’t end up so well for you, and this has made you keep things mostly to yourself.  however, the four of wands reversed tells us that this lone wolf energy is blocking you from fully enjoying yourself. “freedom”, in this sense, is the freedom from yourself, or rather, your fear. in the original Rider-Waite-Smith deck, the seven of swords shows us a man with his arms full of swords, shirking off to his own devices. for you, these swords represent an unnecessary burden, being wary or even afraid of others to see your true colors/problems/ect. opening yourself back up again is a task much easier said than done, i know. but the 6 of cups shows us what this looks like, once fully realized. when we talk about our problems and emotions, we’re able to release and/or deal with them more easily. i’ve definitely been in the position of worrying endlessly about something, just to finally open up to someone, and realize that the answer was sitting in front of me all along. the six of cups represents this as having a “clean conscience.” being, you’ve released yourself from carrying a burden all alone, and have found freedom– the four of wands. finally, the king of cups reversed reminds you to have patience, and to be tolerant of others. not just one person can supply you with all the information or support you need.

(6 of cups, 7 of swords reversed, 4 of wands reversed, king of cups reversed)

2.・。.・゜✭

you’re in a period of transition, be that between attitudes or people. this change has you feeling down. maybe not emotionally destitute, but not in the best spot, either. as you wade through these waters, know that the queen of swords is by your side, and will lead you to better times. the queen of swords is someone with a good head on her shoulders, and will always tell the truth. she is very forthright, and doesn’t do any under-the-table dealings. she holds herself to these standards because of her past experiences, and knows that an honest, open approach will best suit her motives. you may embody the queen of swords already, and if you do, great! if you don’t, that’s ok, too. but it’s time to start really leaning into that kind of energy. don’t conceal the truth– both to yourself and others–, and let yourself have a laugh every once in a while! the thing about being experienced is that you know not to take everything so seriously. the queen of swords can see the big picture, and knows that, even if right now is tough, later will be much better. the place/person/vibe you’re coming from is represented by the knight of wands. i’m getting, cockiness– to the point where you/they were being presumptuous. this might also have had to do with someone being hot tempered, and restless, where they couldn’t handle being bored, so they’d decide to pick a fight. this energy is still here, but not necessarily causing harm just yet. what’s really impeding your path towards healing is the knight of cups. the knight of cups reversed is in direct opposition with the queen of swords, in the sense that he allows his emotions to take control of him, rather than accurately assessing the truth of his situation. he may let his imagination become overactive, and begin believing things that aren’t true. where the queen of swords faces all her dealings head on, the knight of cups may shade the truth, dance around the issue, or simply hope someone else will deal with it. he may also tend to isolate himself from others, which only worsens his imagination into spurring up unrealistic scenarios and focusing too much on his own “failings.” i’m thinking… you’re going to need to temper the knight of cups with the knight of wands. use that fiery, self confident energy to seek out the truth, rather than make assumptions. and, in turn, the knight of cups can help to deplete those feelings of restlessness through introspection. most importantly, keep your head level, and honor the truth above all.

(queen of swords, 6 of swords, knight of wands, knight of cups reversed)

3.・。.・゜✭

so… there’s a lot to unpack here, image 3! i’ll start with this, the energy of the queens of wands and of pentacles are important right now. the queen of wands seems to be especially important, urging you to work hard to maintain her optimism, confidence, and enthusiasm. this situation will require you to be a sort of “soft” leader for others, where you can be looked to for inspiration. if you’re able to serve as a role model through keeping your head up even when the going gets tough, and to do so with strength and vigor, it will not only help you and your purposes, but will also inspire those around you to do the same. the opportunity to embody this energy is not fully here yet, but once you hear the call, you’ll know it’s for you. strike the iron while it’s hot and give it your all! no time for dilly dallying. in being a leader (even if you’re not completely cognizant of it) you will have to temper your generosity with what you know to be true. so, for example, if someone is late to a meeting one time, you may give them the benefit of the doubt. but if they’re continuously late, some changes need to be made. this can also apply to other situations, where you will need to decide between your loyalties and what’s true & just. you may have already experienced scenarios like this in the past, so it will help you to call back to those times for foresight. doing what is fair may be difficult in the moment, but will lead to the best outcome. the queens come together here to guide you on your way. keep trying! you know that you’re resourceful, so don’t be afraid to try your hand at solving problems. it may also benefit you to remain down to earth during this time, and not to try to control what others think or say. at the end of the day, you are your own person, and what a wonderful person you are!  finally, we arrive at the page of cups. i’m getting a very loving, forgiving energy from this card. it may benefit you to invite that energy into your life, both towards yourself and others. when a challenge faces you, or someone is less than nice, decide to turn away that anger with love. consider, what may compel them to act this way? maybe they’re going through something you don’t know about. it’s not that you need to nurture them back to good health, but realize that maybe, they’re just not worth your time, and a simple nod & turning of the cheek will do you both some good. most of all, listen to your intuition to tell you whether or not this argument/situation is really worth getting into.

(queen of wands, 8 of pentacles reversed, 8 of wands reversed, queen of pentacles, ace of swords, 3 of wands reversed, page of cups)

[hermajestyimher]

Hello <3

I am currently 20, in the process of enhancing every aspect of my life so I would really appreciate if you could generously list your resources for self-improvement in general.

And one more question, how to make people take me more seriously? I am quite the youngest member in my family and everyone have always been so over-protective of me that they always see me as this little girl even though I am almost a grown woman lol.

Thanks!

Thanks for your question. I commend you for wanting to invest in yourself and self-improvement.

The resources I use to shape my mindset toward success are a mixture of books, podcasts, subliminals, and direct revelation from God. I'll break these parts down for you:

✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞

Books:

There are a lot of books out that deal with the topic of self-improvement and you are almost guaranteed to find some that will be able to help you in whichever area of your life you wish to get better at. The key, when it comes to these books, is that you have to find ones that you know you can action realistically in your life. Theory can be energizing and inspirational, but it is ultimately futile if you are unable to put the gained knowledge into reality.

You must seek books that are practical in their way of describing how to succeed in whatever subject they touch upon and focus exclusively on that specific book so that you may action its commands and see real results in your life.

I'll give you 5 books that I've used throughout the year that have helped me mold my character in meaningful and practical ways:

She Comes First, by Brian Nox.

Can't Hurt Me, by David Goggins.

The Alter Ego Effect, by Todd Herman.

Stop People Pleasing, by Patrick King.

Fabulosity, by Kimora Lee Simmons.

Podcasts:

Podcasts are a good way of keeping your mind "fed" constantly with content and knowledge from others. I use them not just for knowledge, but also for entertainment. I enjoy podcasts that deal with politics, human psychology and behavior, societal phenomena, travel and culture, business, success life stories, and even some niche topics of interest.

Whatever podcasts you choose to listen to will be a very personal choice. My rule of thumb is to not waste time listening to someone just because they seem authoritative in the field of self-improvement if the messages they are putting forward do not resonate with you. It's ok to be picky with this type of content.

Subliminals:

This is something that I've never touched upon before directly on my blog, but it is something that I've been digging into a lot lately and I've found has been positively impacting my life.

Subliminals are audio messages that we play in the background while we do other activities. The concept behind them is that our subconscious mind can pick up and internalize the messages being played and therefore can help in reprogramming our own internal self-concept and beliefs. It can help you manifest things because you genuinely believe that they are possible for you, rather than pretending.

Subliminals are extremely powerful because if utilized correctly they can help you shape your entire personality and perception of yourself towards one that is more self-loving, positive, and confident. It can help us erase the damage of harmful things we've internalized throughout the years and replace them with thoughts that are working in our favor.

If you or anyone else from the blog would like for me to dive deeper into this subject and share some of the subliminal that have helped me (including my own creations), please let me know!

God:

This part is simply all about having communion with God. I've found out that in the periods that I'm away from him and that I do not take our relationship seriously, I become an easier target for spiritual attacks and also less in tune with my spiritual gifts. It's hard to hear from him when my spiritual life is filled with so much baggage that does not come from him. And whether you are aware of it, everything around us is spiritual in one way or another: the music that we listen to, the people we spend time with, the places we live, the content we consume, the things we allow others to speak into our lives, etc.

It's important that I read my Bible, pray, and worship without ceasing. God purifies our spirits and removes bondages this way. He gives us a renewed mind full of discernment and peace. We can hear from him more clearly and be led through a path of prosperity.

This is something that I need to get back on with him, as I have fallen off throughout the years. But understanding that you do not have to make life alone and that investing in your spiritual life can only tenfold your riches in the physical realm is crucial for us to live a life of purpose and success.

✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞✧༺♥༻∞

I hope this list was helpful, and if you or other people would like to delve deeper into any of these or other subjects, please let me know.

[freyatarotreadings8]

How You Can Improve Your Life? Tarot

Choose A Pile 1 - 2 - 3

PILE 1

Hi there, sweetheart! Here we go. Advices for you: Trust your intuition and listen to your feelings. Sometimes personal growth happens when we follow our heart (subconscious mind) rather than our head (conscious mind), because the subconscious mind keeps all keys to your true life purpose and unlimited power. Look deeper. Majority of people don't know who are they for real. They are terrified to figure out the truth about themselves. It's time to meet with your inner child. Also if there's a creative or emotional pursuit you've been considering, now may be a good time to explore it. Learn how to blend the emotional intelligence with the clear-mindedness. You need to balance between heart and mind. Create a strategy for you life. Make decisions with a clear head, but don't forget what does your inner child want, communicate your boundaries effectively and don’t be afraid to cut out things/people from your life that no longer serve your higher purpose. Let go of past grudges, outdated beliefs or old hurts that are holding you back. Learn from the past, it's equally crucial to live in the present and plan for the future. By releasing the past, you create space for new, positive experiences to enter your life.

You can get personal readings monthly or show your gratitude by becoming my patron via Parteon - patreon.com/FreyaTarot 🧡 Donations - https://destream.net/live/FreyaTarot/donate 🧚🏻

PILE 2

Hi there, darling! Here we go. Advices for you: Recognize your own potential and the resources available to you. You have everything you need to create the life you desire. Remember that you are a master of your destiny. Trust in your skills and abilities. If there's something you want to achieve, know that you have the power to make it happen. Check all your desires, there are some that don't belong to you. Your soul don't want approaching it, so you may fail a lot. Always seek to improve and expand your knowledge. Examine the parts of your life where you might feel stuck or overly dependent, whether that's a toxic relationship, a harmful habit or a limiting belief of any kind. It's crucial to free yourself from these chains. Also a shadow work may be beneficial for your journey. Focus more on building a stable and secure foundation for your life. Make wise investments or simply cultivating a more stable and grounded approach to life. Look for opportunities to grow and prosper, but always with a sense of responsibility and practicality. Additionally, don’t forget to share your wealth, whether it's through monetary means, time or knowledge. Money is an energy.

You can get personal readings monthly or show your gratitude by becoming my patron via Parteon - patreon.com/FreyaTarot 🧡 Donations - https://destream.net/live/FreyaTarot/donate 🧚🏻

PILE 3

Hi there, sunshine! Here we go. Advices for you: Celebrate your accomplishments (small or big) and take a moment to recognize how far you've come. Remember that every ending is a new beginning. Embrace the cyclical nature of life and prepare for new challenges and opportunities. Every challenge is an opportunity for personal growth. By traveling and discovering something new you can develop and improve yourself quicker. Be ready to act quickly and adapt to changes. If opportunities come your way, don't hesitate and seize them. If you've been waiting for a sign to move forward with a plan or project, this might be it. Stay informed and alert. Channel your energy and drive in productive ways. While it's beneficial to be ambitious and to go after what you want, it's equally essential to think things through. Create a strategy in order to reach a goal.

You can get personal readings monthly or show your gratitude by becoming my patron via Parteon - patreon.com/FreyaTarot 🧡 Donations - https://destream.net/live/FreyaTarot/donate 🧚🏻

[cerebralinvasion]

If that okay, can I please have one shot, ow yandere Ozaki Koyo who tires to stop the reader to leave mafia. The reader is tired of working for the criminals and wants to start a fresh quiet life. However, Ozaki does not want to let go of the reader, and will tries to find a way, to force the reader to stay in mafia. Gender Neutral reader is fine.

return to sender.

yandere koyo ozaki x reader.

notes: sorry for being gone so long everyone!! im backkkk

tags/warnings: yandere, brief mentions of god, threats but no violence really

the life you had chosen wasn’t an easy one. of course you had known that going in. no one joins the mafia thinking it was going to be cupcakes and rainbows. but maybe you had underestimated how brutal your life would become. or maybe you just chose to ignore it. chose to lie to yourself that it wouldn’t be all that bad, do whatever you could to make the money you desperately needed. it was difficult, of course. working by the higher ups was terrifying. you constantly feared for your life, even around those you were supposed to consider allies. you never truly felt like you fit in where you had come to find yourself. the people around you felt dangerous in a way you were not. whether they worked above you or on your level, you felt like an oddity. someone whose mind just wasn’t strong enough for this life, not the way theirs were.

there was only one person you had come to find comfort in: koyo. as an executive her position was held second only to the boss. from her status, to her fighting skills, her wits, and her supernatural ability— she was superior to you on every level. she had no business with a low-life grunt such as yourself. yet somehow, despite all odds, you managed to peak her interest. you don’t have a clue what it could have been. what you possibly could have accomplished for her to take you under her wing like she did, but it worked. you’d managed to garner her favor.

it was a lot different now than it had been when you two first interacted, all tense shoulders and short responses on your end. trying to make yourself as small as possible and avoid catching her eye. that’s changed. you wouldn’t say you had ever become at ease in her presence, however you did lose much of the initial terror. out of everyone in the mafia, you could easily say you preferred to spend your time with koyo.

but it wasn’t enough. having a single person you could semi-trust just wasn’t enough to convince you to continue like this. to continue staking your life every day for profit. putting everything you had in terrible danger and trampling your morals for some extra cash.

finding your way into the mafia had been hard, and you knew that finding your way out would be even harder. but you had to try. you refused to lay down the rest of your life for this. naturally, it’d be dangerous. but no more dangerous than engaging in shootouts on a regular basis. no more dangerous than spending your days around seasoned killers.

the plan was simple. make yourself as little of a threat as possible. you wouldn’t turn to the government or anything of that nature. you figured that if you made it clear enough that you wouldn’t be any harm they wouldn’t even bother looking for you. you know people have done it before, maybe you could be one of them. it’s not like you were a noteworthy asset. you weren’t an executive or a leader of any unit. you were just another faceless grunt. the odds that anyone would not only notice but also care were slim. you didn’t have access to highly classified information. you would make a pretty useless traitor.

on the night of your departure you worked quickly. packing everything necessary from your apartment into a rather large suitcase. you withdrew the money from your bank account and found your way to a mediocre hotel until you decided where you’d go. but just as you were preparing to settle in for the night you heard a knock on the door. it had to be near 4am, what was room service doing at this time of night?

the second you twisted the door handle you were flung back. something had hit you, hard. there was little damage, but you could already feel an aching sensation bloom along where your head and back had made contact with the wall. you looked up. there was a blade at your throat and a woman a few feet ahead of you. you dared not move. not when a literal demon held a short sword centimeters from your jugular.

“now what do we have here?” elegant as ever, koyo strode further into the room, making her way to the wall opposite the door, where you were pinned into place by the golden demon.

“koyo….” your mouth instantly dried up when you heard her voice. “how did you… find me?”

she laughed.

“did you actually expect to simply waltz out of the port mafia? you should know better. i really did think you were smarter than that… you didn’t even bother leaving the city.”

“it hasn’t even been six hours since i packed up… i got to the hotel less than an hour ago! how? how did you get here so fast?”

koyo’s movements were near serpentlike as she brought her own shortsword up to your neck, taking the golden demon’s place. the ability moved behind her in a defensive position. it floated ominously, it’s mere form acting as a barricade from the door. no one would be getting in or out until koyo removed the thing.

“you really should break this habit of underestimating the opponent. of course i found you. maybe the hope in your heart came with a heavy dose of naivety. hope that things would work out for you in a way they didn’t back with the mafia. you should know by now that god is no longer on your side, not after all you’ve done.”

your breathing stuttered. she was right. you never would have rushed into something with a plan as rudimentary as ‘just hope the enemy won’t notice’ back when you were with the mafia. only a cruel hope could produce such utter stupidity.

“still, to think you’d disappear without so much as a goodbye? not even to me?” koyo tapped the blade against the underbelly of your chin, watching as you tilted your head upward to avoid it.

“don’t… don’t kill me. please just let me go. i promise, i swear on everything, i won’t tell anyone anything. please.”

“now, you know i can’t do that, right?”

your breath quickened. was this it? the whole plan was stupid and half baked in hindsight, now it seemed you would pay for your lack of foresight with your life.

you weren’t ready to die.

“poor thing… you’re trembling. really, just how far did you think you’d make it? no offense, dear, but there’s no way someone like you could make it out of here. you’re no osamu dazai, you know? pitting yourself against the port mafia is a losing battle. you’d be crushed like a butterfly in the beak of a hawk, and wouldn’t that be unfortunate.”

“i just don’t understand… why would an executive like you be sent to fetch someone like me?”

“sent? oh no, you misunderstand. nobody sent me to come get you. in fact, no one else even knows you tried to leave, not that they wouldn’t have found out within the week... but tonight? consider this a… personal endeavor.”

you furrowed your brows. the more questions she answered the more confused you became.

koyo pulled the sword away, neatly tucking it back in it’s holster. the blade once again masqueraded as an elegant parasol. demon snow fizzled out of existence. she reached the hand not gripping the wagasa towards you. offering a hand to help you up.

“now then, let’s go home before you cause any more trouble.”

[multiplicity-positivity]

To all the persecutors who are trying to change for the better:

Hey you, persecutor reading this! Guess what? We see your efforts and we know how hard you’re trying to be a good person and strive for positive change! And we think you’re doing a great job!

We know attempting something like this is definitely not easy. We know how real the struggle is trying to become a better person and cause less harm to yourself and your system! But even the smallest, tiniest steps towards progress is forward momentum! Every single time you choose kindness, you choose gentleness, you choose to be helpful or supportive, that’s positive growth right there! You can witness your development in real time, and that is absolutely worth celebrating!

Have you backslid recently? Regressed? Hurt someone you care about, or found yourself reverting to your old ways? Well, none of these things mean you haven’t been making real progress, and they don’t mean that there’s no hope for you to become a better person! Progress is not linear, and making the occasional mistake does not undo all the hard work you’ve done so far! Please don’t wallow or dwell on your past mistakes - it’s much better to focus on making positive decisions in the future than it is to beat yourself up for making bad choices in the past!

To those with persecutor roles, it can be so hard feeling like you’re not a whole person, feeling like you’re nothing but pain, resentment, bitterness, anger, or sadness. We want to reassure you that there’s so much more to you than the negative emotions you hold onto! Even if you and your system identify with parts language, even as a part you are made up of more than just your pain! We promise that with time, gentleness, self-compassion, and a chance to heal and grow, you may find it easier to let go of your pain and anger in the future! It’s a goal worth striving for, and one we have complete confidence that you’ll be able to achieve! So don’t give up, not yet! We’re in your corner rooting for you, and believing in you every step of the way!

We know that often a persecutor’s intentions are not always bad. They may intentionally or unintentionally harm members of their system as a trauma response, or with the goal of protecting themselves or their system as a whole. Even if you end up hurting your system a lot, for many persecutors, we know your hearts really are in the right place! What matters most is recognizing that harm was done, apologizing with sincerity, and making a genuine effort to treat others better in the future. Remember! It’s okay to make mistakes! Treating others harshly in your past Does Not mean you are doomed to treat others harshly forever!

We care about you and we so appreciate your efforts in your system. Know that you are a cherished and valued member of your system and the plural community just the way you are! We’re sending you love and wishing the absolute best for you in your future. Please do your best to take care of yourself and your system, manage your expectations and don’t try to hold yourself to unrealistic standards! Remember, you got this! And please try to have a fantastic day!

(Image ID:) A pale orange userbox with a cluster of multicolored flowers for the userbox image. The border and text are both dark orange, and the text reads “all plurals can interact with this post!” (End ID.)

[cherriesncinnamon]

ethan landry headcanons

synopsis: ethan landry headcanons, both sfw & nsfw.

warnings/tags: sexual themes, scream vi spoilers, fem!reader.

a/n: disclaimer, these are just my opinions on what i think ethan would be like irl, don't come for me!!

sfw:

⪩⪨ he loves holding you close when you’re sleeping, wrapping his arms around your body.

⪩⪨ he CANNOT for the life of him keep his hands off of you, in private and in public.

⪩⪨ his favourite meal is spaghetti with tomato sauce, and he tells you that the way you make it is the best, he's definitely biased but you appreciate it anyways.

⪩⪨ after a long day, he wants nothing more than to curl up on the couch and watch movies with you, he’ll watch anything, even the corny chick-flicks you love so much, just as long as he’s spending time with you.

⪩⪨ he always waits outside your classes, standing patiently at the door and greeting you with a kiss like he hasn’t seen you in weeks. 

⪩⪨ ethan’s a very jealous person, and becomes filled with anger when he sees you talking to other men, when he knows it’s purely platonic.

⪩⪨ his favourite feature of yours are your eyes (cliche, i know), he gets utterly lost in thought when you gaze at him. 

⪩⪨ he hates it when you criticise yourself, and yells at you to quit it. he truly views you as the most beautiful angel he’s ever seen, you never believe him.

⪩⪨ whenever you feel unsafe, he immediately comes to your apartment to stay with you, determined to protect you even if it means harming himself (me when i pretend i’m not the killer). 

nsfw:

⪩⪨ ethan was a virgin before he met you, as were you, so you both learned a lot from one another.

⪩⪨ since you’re the sole person he’s been with, he’s become somewhat attached, and doesn’t think anyone could make him feel as good as you do.

⪩⪨ he struggles to stop the blood rushing straight to his cock when you do anything inherently sexual, sometimes you do it on purpose to watch his face burn with embarrassment.

⪩⪨ he’s a switch, split 50/50, depending on his mood. you love both sides of him, and it’s never the same routine, which excites you. 

⪩⪨ when he’s submissive, he’s willing to let you do anything to him, completely at your mercy, whimpering and grunting at the euphoria you’re giving him. 

⪩⪨ when he’s dominant, he’s more driven, and you’ve never seen him so serious. he’s typically like this after a difficult day, or following a jealous rage at your behaviour. he does all the work, towering over your frame, and slowly fucking you to drag out the pretty moans he’s so desperate to hear. 

⪩⪨ his favourite part of your body (in a sexual sense) is by far your hips. he loves nothing more than to squeeze the flesh for support when he’s thrusting into you, leaving blush bruises where he once held you.

⪩⪨ you frequently ask him to join you in the shower, and he never jumps up to your aid so quick. you innocently lather each other with soap, fingertips trailing every curve and inch of skin on your bodies. every single time you’ve done this, it’s ended with sex, him bending you over the sink, hands against the wall and bodies dripping with water.

⪩⪨ his favourite position is definitely good ol’ missionary. it’s the position you both lost your virginities in, so he’s become devoted, especially because it’s still you. he loves it when you tangle your legs around his waist, hands snaked around his neck, pulling softly at his curls.

⪩⪨ ethan enjoys eating your pussy the most, he is obsessed with pleasing you. after giving him a few pointers, he’s gotten unbelievably good at it. you love when you orgasm on his tongue, and look down at his pretty smile against your core as he finishes you off.

⪩⪨ there have been multiple occasions where you have had pregnancy scares, probably because of the lack of protection in the heat of the hormone filled outbursts. ethan tries his best to calm you down, but truthfully he’s masking his own anxiety to comfort you. it’s gotten so bad that you’ve had to commit to the pill, much to ethan’s delight now that he can finish inside of you without the added fear.

[kinkandkreep]

Yandere!Ao Bing Headcanons- Ancient and Modern verse

So, what can you expect with both Ancient and Modern Ao Bing as your yandere “lover”?

Ancient Ao Bing

Lots of clinginess- Ao Bing is extremely clingy. Like, I cannot stress this point enough, he will essentially be your other half, and not necessarily in a romantic way. He loves to be near you, but even being in the same space as you isn’t quite enough. No, he needs to be like, beside you, sitting in your lap, draped over your back near you. 

Lots of cuddles and affection- Along with the first point, Ao Bing will absolutely drown you in cuddles and affection, every opportunity to do so he gets. He just adores you so, so, so much, and he wants to express it all the time. 

Lots of supervision- Ao Bing (at least in my opinion) always has this look of apprehension on his face, and that makes me think that, as it relates to you, the cause of this look is the fear that any number of things can and will harm you. Because of this, Ao Bing barely lets you step foot outside of y’alls home without him being right there to supervise and make sure nothing untoward happens.

Lots of uncertainty- To somewhat accompany the last point, Ao Bing is a person who is very dependent on the thoughts and opinions of others. Now as time passes and he matures, others affect him less and less, but the need never fully abandons him. And he especially cares about your opinion. With this being the case, you’ll find that Bing Bong can rarely make decisions when you’re around without your input. So, essentially, never. And though he won’t ever ask for it outright, he’ll almost always need you to reassure and comfort him whenever he’s feeling not so confident. 

Extremely mild, almost nonexistent punishments- Ancient!Ao Bing has a godly amount of patience. For most things, but especially for you. This being the case, once he abducts you (and in all likelihood, he will be abducting you at some point) he'll be very forthcoming and understanding of your frustration at your newfound situation. Even still, he knows he can't just let you throw fits and isolate yourself/ignore him, so if, and depending on your constitution, when he punishes you, he does so very gently (and admittedly, probably with a fair amount of tears 🙃). 

Modern!Ao Bing 

A fair amount of sadism- Just from looking at modern day Ao Bing, I can tell he's a bit (or maybe more than a bit 🙃) of a sadist. I could get all into psychoanalyzing why that is but for the sake of brevity, I won't. Just know that he maybe sorta kinda likes to see you in pain, and he also maybe sorta kinda likes to be the cause of it. 

A good amount of spoilage- This may come as a surprise, but Modern!Ao Bing actually really likes to shower you with gifts. From expensive jewelry to precious gems and the finest clothes and dining, if you ask, and even if you don't, he will provide. (You may have to bribe him a lil' with a kiss or two on occasion, but usually he's pretty good about just gifting you things without an ultimatum.) 

Constant supervision- Ao Bing is terrified of losing you. There, I said it. With this being the case, he will always have someone keeping track of you, to 1.) make sure you can't escape and 2.) make sure no hurt, harm or danger has befallen you (😂).

Some sporadic at best- but more severe than his ancient counterpart’s, punishments- Modern!Ao Bing is not shy about the fact that if you step out of line, he will punish you. Not too too severely, but depending on how heinous the offense, you can end up with some bruises not gone hold you. 🤷🏾‍♀️ That said, it’s not often that Modern!Ao Bing can be bothered to actually take the time out of his life to punish you physically, so most times he’ll just throw some scathing words or a dark glance your way and call it a day. 

That’s all I got for ya boi Bing Bong for now y’all! I’m positive I’ll have more in the future, so be on the lookout for that (also, the way I been had these in my drafts for I kid you not like a year and a half at least, is crazy. 🙃) And if you haven’t already and are curious, check out Ne Zha on Netflix to see both Ao Bing’s in action! 👋🏾

[pretty-chaotic-world]

if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal 

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow 

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining. 

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty 

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me 

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore 

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room 

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless 

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years 

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings 

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people 

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring 

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5 

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again 

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere 

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person  

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

[idontmindifuforgetme]

within the context of your post from november about people leaving and loyalty, how were you managing your anxious attachment since then for it to get easier? ive been struggling a lot with that and would like to get some advice 💗

A big part of it for me was switching from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset. Whenever someone was on the cusp of leaving my life, I really would mourn how cool they are as a person & how I might never find someone like them again. Which is technically true, bc everyone is unique, but it’s also just as true that they’re losing me. You have to constantly remind yourself that this is a two-way street. The moment they walk out of your life, they’re losing access to you too. And that just frees up space for other, more appreciative people to enter your life.

I’ve also gotten a lot better at differentiating a gut response from anxiety messing w my head. Whenever I’d get in my head about somebody’s actions, I ask myself “am I being reasonable to assume this? Is this coming from a trustworthy place, or is it just fear of abandonment wanting me to cling to this person right now?” A lot of the time it was the latter. So I’d just remind myself that I didn’t wrong anyone, and that if they spontaneously decide to leave, they’re not really someone I want in my life to begin with. I don’t villify them—I’m just at a point in my life where I’m far more interested in securely attached people than I am in ambivalent ones, and that’s something anyone deserves.

Another big thing is being okay with discomfort. I don’t think anyone can ever reach a level where they never feel strongly about what someone else does, especially if they’re attached to them. You just kind of have to tell yourself “this is uncomfortable right now, but it will pass” and just trust that it will. Literally just be okay w it. The moment I realized all feelings are ephemeral, negative emotion got so much easier to digest.

Start perceiving the other person’s position just as much as you perceive yours. Instead of only asking yourself “What does this say about me?” also ask “What does this say about them?” There were instances where I was so self-flagellating about someone being ambivalently available, I didn’t even realize what their actions were telling me about their character. Most of the time, it wasn’t anything good, and sticking around that person would’ve done nothing but harm me.

Lastly (and I know this is cliche, but it’s true) you really do need to like yourself to be okay with people falling out of your life just as quickly as they’ve fallen in. Every time you attach too strongly to someone else, you’re literally abandoning yourself. You’re making the decision to ditch the one constant in your life (you) for the most volatile thing out there (another person). By doing this, you’re restricting other people from ebbing and flowing—something all of us do naturally. This isn’t just about our emotions; it’s about the other person’s too. We need to let people move the way they want to. Anxious attachment goes against that in a lot of ways, even if it’s just a byproduct of other issues. Unlearning your anxious attachment is a win-win for everyone involved truly

[soulbondinghelp]

Revisiting this blog now that we have had time to grow and heal

Hey guys, I am the host for the people who used to post on here and I have recently decided to revisit this blog since I have seen some people talking about it again in a positive light. After reading through all of the posts on here, I have come to the realization that a lot of us (including and especially me) were kind of being assholes when we made this blog, even if our intentions were to help people and we did some small amount of good at the time with collecting resources and advice.

The bottom line is, we were judgemental dicks who tried to tell people how they should or shouldn’t handle their spirituality, something very important and close to the heart. Our impulsiveness and misguided desire to help others I feel like did a lot more harm than good. And the only thing to do about that is to apologize and promise to be better people as we try to move forward with our lives. I suffer from paranoia due to PTSD and when we are not on our meds I am an insufferably horrible person to be around.

I was constantly fighting and seeking drama without even realizing it because I thought it was normal. When every single day you get fifteen phonecalls that have people screaming at you/gaslighting you and you also grew up surrounded by family who would do similar things, fighting and lashing out becomes the norm because it’s all that you really know. In these situations, nothing can help you but yourself and taking the drastic actions you’re too scared to do in order to finally take your life back. I was an idiot and I thought that I was fine because I had a therapist and I was “getting help” when in reality, I wasn’t really being helped at all and I was just spiraling and spiraling into more denial because my therapist couldn’t really keep my abuser away from me and any progress I made in therapy was pretty much instantly undone the second my abuser tried to call me or sometimes break into my house uninvited. And it was a catch 22 because no one wanted to be around us for very long when we weren’t medicated and it was hard to find real support or connections for very long since we kept fucking it up in some way and none of the experimental “system rules” we came up with ever seemed to do any good with preventing it.

But that isn’t normal. And I shouldn’t have let myself or anyone in our system become this kind of person. I honestly kind of hate my past self even reading some of the things I wrote on here and typing out this post lol.

Also, I felt like we constantly had some invisible bar we had to reach to ever be accepted by anyone which is part of why we had such a unreasonably strict approach to this blog. When everyone leaves you because you are a toxic person to be around and you are aware that something is wrong but you don’t know what it is, it makes you try to people please in the desperate hope that it can make you less of a broken person.

So again, I want to apologize to everyone we hurt with this blog. We can act like adults now and we are in a much better place. We have mostly retired from the internet lately and I think this trend is probably going to continue since it is just better for our mental health when we don’t post things that thousands of strangers can see and be hurt by if we fuck it up. We have finally managed to cut our abuser out of our lives for good in a way where we can finally feel safe and not feel like someone is going to come after us at any time or stalk us even if it took years to do.

But I’m done with fighting people all the time because the truth is, it doesn’t help anyone in the end, especially not with online discourse. All it does it make things worse and get people hurt. Hell, I’m even done with the community itself because I can’t trust myself not to fall back into the same patterns and fuck it up again. From now on, we are going to put all of our newly found energy and time into becoming the best people we can be and just existing away from the online soulbonding community and most online communities in general.

No more people pleasing. No more being on edge all the time. No more blogs. No more telling people what they should or shouldn’t do or what is or isn’t going on. This is soulbonding. No one even knows wtf we are really dealing with or a lot of the hard gritty things behind why soulbonds are a thing in the first place. All we have is theories and our theories aren’t better or worse than other people’s theories. Even if people don’t see soulbonding the way we do, in the end that is no longer our business because soulbonding should be a personal thing that people should explore themselves.

So while reading through this blog, please take everything here with a grain of salt. Yes, there are bits of good or helpful information here, but some of us were assholes and I 100% admit that and want to not be one anymore.

[cyberpawn-arc]

meta on vale and his chronic superhero syndrome ( why do you keep saving people with nothing expected back in return, Vale? ) VALE, WHY DON'T YOU SAVE YOURSELF FIRST?? *shakes u*!!!!!

Vale Meta Discussion!!

Vale has got Chronic Hero Syndrome and let me tell you, it's not going away anytime soon. Throughout their life, Vale has had this heroic mentality frequently reinforced and almost encouraged by others around them. As a child, they read comic books and stories about big time heroes who saved lives and helped everyone ever who needed help. Even though as a kid they weren't immediately head over heels with that life, it did start the building blocks of "I can be more than a legend. I can be a hero"

Throughout their beginnings as a mercenary, Vale saw a lot of shit. They saw mercenaries tear each other apart and stab each other in the backs repeatedly. They saw streets filling with corruption and death and hatred and Vale knew that Night City couldn't survive another lifetime of that. It was all but 100% certain that if Night City continued on a trend of hatred and malice, tearing each other apart like rats escaping a flame and crabs crawling out of a bucket, the city wouldn't survive. Everyone would just...fall apart. And Vale couldn't stand the thought of their home being as wretched as every story described it. Vale needed to see change in their community, and they underwent that development to become direct action, direct change that couldn't get set aside by local governments or turned into PR for a corporation.

Unfortunately, Vale was building up the persona of V rather than loving themself and embracing themself for all of their flaws and strengths. V was a badass, master of a blade and could shred on a guitar, never yielding in their justice and their goal, never assessing a risk before throwing themself in harm's way to save someone else. The worst part of this all? Is that those who worked with V only...uh. Helped it get worse. People in awe of them. People who called Vale a hero. People who let Vale get away with constantly throwing themself to the wolves in order to assist another person. Vale will stick their neck out for anyone in need and they don't care if the person will return the favor.

Vale just does it because it's the right thing to do. They have always done it because it's the right thing to do, and Vale hopes someone would help them if the positions were swapped. But Vale hates the idea of being the one in need of help. Vale doesn't want to be a burden. Vale doesn't want to be the damsel in distress. Vale will never let themself be the one in need. Vale sees time spent worrying about them as time wasted.

Vale's fine! Vale has always been fine! They're gonna be okay, they're gonna make it. You don't need to worry about them. Internally they're crying out and they want to be seen and held and cared for and told they matter and that they've done enough and that they can finally rest and that it's all gonna be okay. Maybe, just maybe they save others because that's what they want most. They want to be saved, but they won't allow themself the pleasure of safety, so this is all they have.

[brainavalanche]

Where It Might Begin

It is often told first impressions are important, and I couldn't agree more. But I feel like it has invited me to fixate merely on the impression of who I am and distract from how I am me. When I think of the times I've put myself in public, I feel like I have always been making guesses at an expectation. I've been put on a stage for a play I have never seen, and improvising lines based on vague character qualities. Does this role call for an extrovert? Time to imagine what that's like by speaking more.

Understanding is a lot more important than the impression, though. If I spend enough time pretending, I'm not quite sure who I am anymore. Guessing without really knowing means that sooner or later, even a good impression will go to pieces. And that is the scariest thing about realizing a need to change.

If I made a bad impression, but had more skills, I think I would be able to get by on determination. But I feel like the good impressions I have made make me look far more competent than my experience warrants. That's great for getting in the door, but now when I fail to meet the expectation I have set, I don't think people see a fraud, nor someone who has yet to learn - I believe they see malicious intent.

I suppose this perception may just be an extension of the typical ambiguity of the expectations of others, where it seems all choices are incorrect. I will hear "don't speak too much" and "you need to talk more". I will hear "say more about yourself" and then "you have to show more interest in other people". I need to "figure it out myself" but then "let other people do it." And I am quite that some people will have read that and be upset, because they understand the balance. I am quite convinced that not understanding how those differ according to circumstance makes me a bad person.

The thing is, there is no point in arguing about my "goodness". It is irrelevant to the point that I don't understand. I feel compelled to explain that I did not mean ill will, but if I still don't understand why what I did causes harm, annoyance, or is incorrect, it's going to keep happening.

Impressions matter. Because when I discover the need to change, I tend to find that I am alone. I find it to be too much to ask to look for help from the people who were subjected to my failures. I find it frightening that times when I felt excluded, it may have been earned because it is unpleasant to be around me. I always found it hard to think at why that was, because it was simply that way from the beginning. I have always been isolated. I was always "no fun" from the start.

I should have changed that, and I should have changed that. I should have changed that a year ago, and I should have changed that a decade ago. I should have changed that every day, and the longer it goes on, the further away the people I start to care about seem. I'm tormented by the echoes of people talking about how "the secret is to not care". Yet another ambiguous phrase that perhaps is useful in one context, but I think does not help mine.

I want to transform all the negative thoughts and feelings into positive progress, and sometimes I get a small idea of what I might do to accomplish that. This is a small protective measure. It will not get me to do the best things, but it will at least deflect the impulse to self-sabotage.

Thus begins the brain avalanche: a mountain of regrets, anxieties, thoughts, wishes, beliefs, ideas, and so much more falling over one another. Perhaps in all that chaotic debris, something will be learned. I cannot be certain yet. It's just tumbling out for now.

[vivaciouscynner]

Old fart over here - mostly desk-job type experience:

All of these points are true, but also, not quite.

Just starting out, you absolutely will be taken advantage of in every which way possible.

Desperate for work? Prepare for hell because employers know they can get away with lowballing you.

Not-so-desperate for work? If you know your shit, you CAN get lucky.

The unfortunate thing is, if you've been in a single industry for long enough, the skill becomes second nature. The thing that used to take you days to do now takes only a few minutes. THE KEY is to take as long as it used to. Deadline next week? Make sure NOT to finish whatever it is until that day. Need provide updates? Just say you are spending time understanding the thing. You are then executing what you learned. You are then wrapping up what you learned. Just found an issue and fixing it now. Should be good to go tomorrow at the latest. Submit the thing that actually took like 20mins to finish.

All companies are NOT the same, but often when you find more pay, there is far less stability. Where there is more stability, there is often less benefits. Part of a big company? You'll likely be forgotten if you aren't an exec, because they don't care. Why would they?

Subject matter experts don't get fired AS often. obviously not fully secure, but if you know you're shit, you're generally safer.

If you're company is going to merge, start looking for another job. It doesn't matter if they say you're safe or not. You don't want to be part of it regardless. Here's why: - If they say you're safe, you're not. You'll be fired- usually with a severance package, but still fired. It's still better to look for another position the second you hear of a merger. - Let's say they do keep you, the environment is hell. It's stressful and the work given to you is just going to get thrown out, but if you don't do it, you're next to go anyway. There's USUALLY 3 rounds of layoffs per merger. - You will be training the company that took over and then get fired. It does NOT matter if you do it with a happy, perfect, attitude, you're gone after you've accomplished their goal.

Promotions do not come to you. They happen if you apply for the open position. It does not matter how much better you are at a job than someone senior to you, you HAVE to apply for the job to get a promotion OR apply to some external job and use it as leverage in the company you're in.

If you want a big raise, you have to find a job in a different company or change career path. If you're going into another company, it's STANDARD to have a 20% raise from your current salary. If changing career path, really look into what the most common salaries are. GlassDoor.com is a great site to get some of these insights.

The biggest lesson I've learned is:

I've wasted a LOT of time working hard. Doing crazy overtime hours so that I'd "stick out more" only to be thrown in the dumpster the second the project was done. The lesson ISN'T "don't work hard," the lesson is: Don't harm yourself for a job. Do the task assigned and agreed to, but if you're pushing yourself, stop.

Also

If you have the opportunity to just chill, CHILL! Unless you're legitimately interested in learning something by taking on more work, sure, but don't ask for more work unless there IS more work. Employers will see it and go, oh, there's a sucker I can throw MY work at and take credit for.

[jealousraisin]

Ch.9 - Drive

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You feel yourself being nudged, you try to ignore the interruption and get back to sleep.

“Come on wake up” The nudging remains persistent. Who annoys someone who’s so clearly sleeping?

Poke. Poke. Nudge. Poke.

“Mmm? What?” Your sleep riddled voice manages to ask.

“Come on let’s go somewhere” he’s poking you again.

“What time is it? Did you even sleep?”

“Sun’s going to be up in a couple of hours” Luke says as you turn over to face the window, the sun wasn’t up but you could see the night sky brightening up. You groan, running a hand across your face. You are not a morning person, and you are especially not a morning person after going to a party. You run through your options; you could ignore him and hope he gives up OR realise that this is Luke and he can be incredibly annoying and persistent when he wants to, which you’re certain is the case right now.

“Is it going to be worth it?” You ask, turning your head to look at him and make sure he means what he says.

“Definitely.”

There are empty drinks in pretty much every corner you turn and look; evidence of a party. Pizza boxes and various snack bags laying around, and the most obvious piece of evidence of all; the people who didn’t make it home and were currently asleep in a variety of different positions. You do your best not to trip over the people in the hall and stairs, Luke offering his hand for some stability and stealth; doing your best to not wake anyone.

Once in the car, Luke makes sure you’re all buckled in and heads off. Still unsure of where exactly the two of you are going, you decide to sit back and tune into the music, let the scenery go by. Suburbia turns into highways and then to trees and winding roads. Once you’re on a more secluded stretch of forest road you feel the car speed up past the speed limit, the force holding you down to your seat bit by bit. You silently freak out; your mind starts racing with thoughts.

‘Does he realise he’s speeding down this secluded road? That we might encounter other drivers? Or cops?’

‘Oh my god, a bend is coming up! We’re going to crash I was so stupid to get in the car with someone without asking where we’re going!’ You’re gripping the seat as the bend comes closer and closer, you squeeze your eyes almost totally shut; not wanting your last moments to be in blind panic. You feel the car start to turn at speed; but you realise, in control. As the car comes out of the turn, you slowly pry open your eyes and let go of the breath you were holding. Loosening your grip on the chair, you turn to look at Luke with an expression that can only be described as panicked disbelief at what he just did. Luke was wearing a slight smile, not the least concerned with his actions two seconds ago, eyes steadily trained on the road ahead of him. You realise he’s in complete control of the car, that stupid move was completely calculated and you weren’t in as much danger as you originally thought.

‘Still’ You think ‘He could have warned me.’

“You looked like your soul was gonna leave your body” He laughed.

HE LAUGHED? You thought you were going to die and he laughs. You ought to strangle him right here right now.

“Not funny.”

“Oh, come on, relax! I do this all the time!” Luke’s eyes were still laser-focused on the road.

“All the time? As in drive like a madman down secluded roads?”

“Yeah, I mean aside from the time I get on the track, and the rallies. I do this route a lot, know it like the back of my hand.”

You stay silent.

“Look, I wouldn’t do anything that I wasn’t certain wouldn’t harm you. In fact, I took the corner a lot slower than I usually do. I got this.”

You’re really not letting go of the fact that what he just did was incredibly irresponsible. Doing your best to calm your frazzled nerves and try to trust the expertise that he seems to have, you notice the car has slowed back down to just a bit over the limit; that you can live with.

It’s still dark when you arrive at your destination, Where exactly? You probably should have asked that before getting out of bed, because you realise; you’re at a hiking trail.

“Hiking? It’s dark out and we were literally partying just a few hours ago.”

He doesn’t respond as he’s parking the car. Only giving you a nod in affirmation.

“You know if you wanted to murder me you had that chance when we first met. I don’t understand why you have to take me out to some hiking trail in the dark for that.”

“Oh, sure I do. Easier to hide the body that way” He shoots back easily. “Besides, we’re not going to go on that trail until the sun starts to come out properly. Granted we got here earlier than I thought we would so we’re going to have to wait a bit…”

“Yeah, because somebody over here drives like they don’t care if they die.” You’re still a little bitter about it, clearly.

“You liked it”

You don’t dignify that with a response. So, what if you did? You’re not going to tell him that, the idiot would probably gloat about it and never drive like a normal person with you ever again.

The parking spot for this particular trail had a nice view, so it wasn’t too bad that you have to wait until some sunlight to head out. Despite the view, you're nervously fidgeting, not quite sure of what to say or do now that the car ride is over and the waiting begins.

Just like the night you first met; you hear the sound of a lighter. This time the smell of weed hits you in the confined space.

"Wanna smoke with me?" He takes a hit, offering the joint to you " it's fine if you don't, I'll do it outside"

"Um…no it's fine, I've smoked before...it's just" you're playing with your fingers nervously, embarrassed about what you’re about to admit "I'm not the best at doing it, I always end up coughing a lung out."

"I can help you with that."

"You can?"

Luke turns his body towards you properly, he inches himself closer to you, His voice dropping just above a whisper "May I?"

You nod, a little confused on what he's about to do. Nonetheless deciding to trust him.

"When I nod, inhale through your mouth" Luke takes another hit, this time holding it in as he grabs the back of your head, gently guiding your face closer to his, he nods and you breathe in just as he's releasing the smoke into your now receiving breath. His lips are ghosting above yours. They linger for just a second too long, his gaze fixed on your eyes; flitting down to your lips then back at you.

You exhale.

"See? You didn't cough," he's softly praising you, the hand behind your head is now gently cupping your face "you did so well." Where his hands were making contact, you could feel heat spreading. The intimacy of your position not lost on you. Your mind runs back to that night on the couch where you were in a similar ‘compromising’ position and you thank the heavens you’re in an isolated area at this very moment. You don’t think you could take an outsider seeing you like this.

You feel shy, unable to squirm away from the feeling in your chest within the confines of this car. Luke lets go of your face, leaning back in his seat, he takes a couple more hits letting time pass as the sun slowly begins to rise, the dappled light filtering between the leaves of the trees an indicator that the morning was slowly beginning.

“Ready to go?” He asks as he grabs a bag from the backseat. You nod and make a move to get out of the car. Your mind still reeling from what just happened.

‘Friends do this all the time, don’t read into it too much.’ You affirm mentally as the two of you head to the foot of the trail.

“You look awfully prepared” You note, gesturing to the backpack.

“Oh yeah, I hike a lot. Clears your head.”

“Ironic with what we just did…”

“Hehe you still feeling it? I have a tolerance so it’s fine. You alright?” He’s examining you, making sure you’re good to do this hike. “I didn’t really plan on that earlier part, so it’s fine if you wanna bail.”

“No, I’m good. So long as you don’t get us lost, I’m fine with it.” You’re a little fuzzy but nothing unmanageable. The lack of sleep feeling like it’s taking more of a toll than the weed. A hike seems like the healthiest thing you’ll do all week. Hell, all month even.

“Alright! Let’s go then!” Luke somehow has the energy to be enthusiastic at this hour, you’re certain he slept less than you last night. He leads the way, easily navigating the path.

You’re about halfway through the trail when you start to get a bit out of breath, the inclines were just slightly steeper than what you expected and your lungs were playing catch up. You don’t exactly go on hikes, at best going on short walks during your longer lunch breaks at work; the intensity of the activity was starting to hit you. Luke notices the shift and slows down a bit to be by your side, he’s rummaging in his bag.

“Here, have some.” Water.

You gratefully take it, the few sips practically reviving you. With a satisfied sigh you hand it back to him.

“Thank you”

“Can’t have you dying before the best part now can we?” He offhandedly says while putting the bottle back in the bag. He’s pointing out plants, bugs and critters on your way; telling you all these fun facts he’s learnt over the years. You wonder where he keeps all this information but you intently listen in, he manages to make it all sound so interesting. Continuing your walk, you come across a lookout point. The dense trees thinning out to carve out a picturesque spot to take a break, you spot a large rock that has been worn down over the years by the many hikers before you sitting on it; no doubt taking in the breathtaking view. You sit down, Luke joins you. Letting out a sigh of relief from taking a break you allow the wind to mess with your hair a bit, not bothering to fix it just yet.

“See? The best part!” The sun is finishing it’s rise just in time for the two of you to catch a view of the sprawling forest below; and in the distance, the waking city. You look towards him, the morning sunlight is hitting just right, highlighting his features in a way that was unfairly ethereal. You’re so stuck in thought that you don’t notice he’s also turned to look back at you, a soft smile on his face as he catches you staring. Eyes widening at being caught, you quickly return your sights onto the expansive view ahead; he follows your lead. Neither of you say anything as you bask in the view and sounds. As the sun fully rises, the two of you continue hiking. The second half of the walk being easier than the first, finding comfortable conversation as you pass by trees, plants and birds.

Finally at the end of the trail, you feel accomplished that you survived being woken up before sunrise and taken on a nature walk. You high-five him in celebration, his face is flushed red from the long walk, he’s sporting a big smile. Heading back to the car, you check your phone; no signal. Oh well, I’m sure its fine…Vanessa is probably still sleeping God knows where. As Luke shuts the door and silence settles in the cabin of the car, your stomach decides now is the time to rumble.

Luke quietly laughs, dialling up your embarrassment.

“Let’s get breakfast.”

Nothing sounded better than some fast food right now, your mind was on what you were going to eat throughout the entire ride back into the city. You barely register that Luke is bringing the car into a drive through until the smell of the kitchen hits you. He greets the person on the other side of the speaker with enthusiasm, ordering a variety of things before turning to you; implying it was your turn to add to the order. As the order is read back and the total was given, Luke pulls up to the next window to pay for and collect the food. Your excitement for food was rising as the two of you waited for your order, the smoking and long hike making your hunger grow by the second.

Luke passes you a couple of bags donning the restaurants recognisable branding. You situate them on your lap as he puts your drinks in the cup holders, then he’s back to driving. As Luke was navigating the morning traffic, you were feeding him some fries here and there with an occasional nugget; just enough to hold the two of you off from destroying the contents in the bag straight away, opting to enjoy the meal back home. “Fancy style” as he put it, which just meant putting the food on actual plates using actual cutlery.

Pulling into the driveway and making your way back in, you notice that everyone who was straggling behind earlier were now gone. The only evidence of a party now being the slight mess that was still around; clearly someone started cleaning up some time after the two of you left the house. Setting down the bags, you set yourself down on the kitchen stools; Luke was too busy gathering the plates and cutlery to notice people coming downstairs.

“Look who decided to reappear!”

“Oh, g’morning Charlie! We got breakfast for everyone!” Luke gestured to the bags of food as he turned around.

“Don’t think you can bribe me with that, where were you? We thought you were face down in a ditch somewhere.” You could see Charlie was leaning to get a look better look of the contents of the bag. Her act of being worried was slowly cracking. Both you and her knew he did disappearing acts all the time.

“Oh please! I know you were too busy with Jonothan last night and this morning to be too worried about your dearest older brother. Besides, it’s none of your business.” He’s childishly sticking his tongue out at her, which she mirrors back. Jonothan was behind Charlie, blushing at Luke’s remark. He didn’t want to get involved and still got dragged into it so early in the morning.

“Did you get me my pancakes….”

“What do you take me for? Of course I did”

“We will talk about this later.” She remarks, squinting at Luke with scrutiny as she sits next to you; plating the pancakes she starts to eat them before anyone else can take a bite of their own food. As you begin to have your breakfast your mind wanders back to Vanessa.

‘I wonder where she is? I thought she would still be here…’ as you were running through all the possibilities your phone decides now is the time to play catch up on receiving texts. You see that you have one from Vanessa from just earlier this morning.

‘I saw you leave with him….’

She did?

‘Where are you?’ You decide to change the subject.

‘Bit of a late reply don’t you think? Where did you go? What did you do?’ She’s ignoring your question.

‘We went for a hike, then we got breakfast for everyone back at Luke’s. We’re eating rn. Soooo where are you?’ You were concerned about he whereabouts, but you suppose the fact that she’s still texting you means she hasn’t been kidnapped.

‘Relax lol. I had to head back home, had stuff to do I couldn’t leave hanging.’

You don’t reply to that message just yet, mouth full of breakfast.

‘A HIKE? Really? Hehe did you guys do something?’

There’s the follow-up.

‘WHAT? No?????? What the hell are you on about.’

‘Oh, you did do something. It’s only a matter of time before I find out what exactly.’ It’s too early for this, you decide that’s the end of this conversation for now. Putting down your phone you tune back into the conversation happening in front of you.

“So, Sierra ended up wrangling everyone into a taxi back to their hotel a bit after you guys headed upstairs, Jay kept on going on about someone but no one could really make out what. He had A LOT to drink and smoke last night haha.” Charlie recalls some snippets of last night. You didn’t really catch a glimpse of her at the party, you didn’t realise she would be there.

“Yeah, sounds like them…I’ll make sure to call them and make sure it’s all good later.” Oddly responsible coming from Luke.

You’re finishing up your breakfast, absorbing the idle conversation when you make eye contact with Luke. The scene of you and him shot-gunning in his car floods back into your mind and you’re trying so hard not to, feeling the embarrassing thoughts and emotions crawling their way up and making a home in your chest; like how you kind of wanted to kiss him. It’s like he knows you’re thinking about it because a smug knowing smile is quickly shot your way, before being replaced with a neutral expression when Charlie focuses her attention back on him.

‘Get your head in the game. FRIENDS! We are FRIENDS! Don’t think about it too hard!’ You will yourself to rid yourself of any other thoughts. When it came time to help finish cleaning up the house, you had renewed vigour. Wiping down surfaces like they personally wronged you. Just don’t think about it, nothing good comes from thinking about it.