#and sure I get it a lot of us are defensive about the whole 'autistic character gets yelled at for not reading the room' thingy

[tarraxahum]

Okay now that I'm caught up (anime only) I can say with full understanding that I don't get the Toshiro(Shuro) hate. Like come on, the guy is flawed in his own (totally rooted in his culture and upbringing) way, just like literally every other character here. What.

[randomshit657]

Community HeadCannons because I can

Abed

- This is canon but is Autistic

- When overwhelmed or having trouble speaking he’ll use the word “cool” for every answer. Like to mean yes, no, okay, etc. (once again borderline canon.)

- Has dyscalculia

- Had ARFID

- Bisexual and Agender

- Hate watches Supernatural and Greys Anatomy

- Hyper-empathic when it comes to inanimate objects

- Let’s Annie paint his nails

Jeff

- Has narcissistic personality disorder specifically covert narcissism

- Bisexaul

- Has ADHD

- Practices “Winger Speech’s” in the bathroom mirror

- Knows sign language

- Would most definitely listen to Dad Rock

- Views both Abed and Annie as younger siblings (just pretend all the Jeff/Annie stuff never happened. It always seemed weird to me)

- Makes sure he watches every movie Abed references (although he’ll deny that until the day he dies)

- Goes to Pride with Abed, Annie, and Troy (although they have to practically drag him the first time, but now he goes all in)

Troy

- Has ADHD literally no doubt in my mind

- Transmasc

- Gay and on the Asexual Spectrum

- Still believes in The Easter Bunny, The Tooth fairy, etc

- Loves stuffed animals but only has one very raggedy one from his childhood

- Religious Trauma

- Would try to do research on Autism, and Islam to try and understand Abed better but would keep getting distracted and get so frustrated he started crying. Annie would end up reading the stuff to him and helping him understand it.

- Loves the color purple

- Has always wanted a dog and is constantly bringing home strays

- Not really about him but when Troy gets Top Surgery Abed would drive him home and take care of him while he healed

- Listens to cheesy pop music

Annie

- I was going to say Audhd but what if she was misdiagnosed with ADHD as a kid but actually had Autism so that’s where the whole adderal addiction came from.

- Lesbian but with a lot of internalized homophobia

- Has always wanted a pet snake

- Has taken multiple self defense classes

- Is really into true crime

- Celebrates every year of sobriety one way or another (as she gets more comfortable with the group she invites them and they celebrate together)

- Loves heavy metal music and classical music

- Is surprisingly good at art

- Is the one who introduced Abed to Greys Anatomy

- Writes fanfic

Britta

- Transfem

- Exclusively listens to indie music

- Is secretly a Broadway nerd

- I honestly don’t have that much for her

Shirley

- Starts of as homophobic but as she gets to know everyone she starts to question whether her religion is entirely right about that point.

- She becomes a huge ally. Would wear a free mom hugs shirt to pride.

- Is the mom of the study group

- Her purse is pretty much magically whatever you need she has it in there (that includes stim toys, and noise canceling head phones for Abed and the other neurodivergents)

That’s it :))

[no-fear-queers]

Here's Something About Me (Updated)

Decided to rework my intro post. The last one was a bit long and some information on that post is a little out of date. Some things have changed, and some haven’t (e.g. I don’t watch Creeped Out as much as I used to).

Anyway, I’m no_fear_queers both on here and on Instagram. If you found me on here and want to check out my Insta be sure to look for the account that has Ellis from Left 4 Dead 2 over a queer flag pfp. (Note: I don’t expect anyone to follow me on here or Instagram. Haven’t expected to get a whole lot of followers on either site since the accounts were made. I’m also pretty sure my Insta page is shadowbanned but that’s not the point.) I’m 22.

I’m transmasculine, ambiamorous and a termcollector. The terms I’m comfortable with being open with on the internet are; queer, angled aroace, ambiamorous, termcollector, transmasculine, and gendervast. This would be the part where I say “among other things” but this is the best I can do to not make things too long. My pronouns are he/they/it/xe/vi. I’m a satanist that’s into Greek and Norse Mythology.

The first name I have given myself is Ellis. Before anyone asks, yes, I named myself after the Left 4 Dead 2 character. In my defense, Ellis has always been my comfort character and to me, it made sense to name myself after him. As for the middle name I gave myself, it’s Ryan.

Nicknames I’ll accept are Eli, Ray, and Rye. I also want to stress that the nickname “Shrimpy” can only be used by my friends. I only want my friends to call me Shrimpy because; for one thing I cannot confirm that I’ll always be shorter/smaller than the unknown person on the other side of the screen, and for another thing, a friend of mine (I will not be saying any names privacy reasons especially since I don’t know if he changed his name again or not) had given me the nickname Shrimpy (also nicknaming me Shrimp) while he and I were leaving PE because he thought it was easier to remember than my dead name. I also figured that he gave me that nickname because I’m smaller than all my friends. (Given I’m 5’ and somewhere around 101-102 lbs whereas my friends are 5’2”-5’7” and weigh over 101 lbs.) Long story short: If we’re not irl friends, don’t call me shrimpy. Only my friends are allowed to do that.

Personality/Mental health wise, I’m an autistic introvert with ADHD, social anxiety and depression. I don’t really like talking to people, especially since talking feels weird. It doesn’t help that sometimes I stutter and sometimes I don’t make sense. It’s something that I found difficult about being social, and on top of that, I’ll either cross a boundary without realizing it or I’ll misinterpret something that the other person is saying. (Can safely say that I’m one of those people that needs the other person to be more specific when talking to me about anything, and I also need the other person to express their boundaries when it comes to certain topics.) Now, putting aside the fact that I’m socially inept, I can confidently say that I’ll be 2 years SH-free on August 3rd 2024.

My interests include: watching YouTube, writing, playing video games, sharks, alligators, greek and Norse mythology, horror movies, drawing, and horror games

My favourite YouTubers are: Markiplier, LaurenZSide, tuv, morbidforfun, iHasCupQuake, Mr. Nightmare, Life of Luxury, Luxury Dark

My favourite book series are: Keeper of the Lost Cities, The Unwanteds and Percy Jackson

My favourite video games are: Left 4 Dead, Left 4 Dead 2, Skyrim, Cooking Champions, Terraria, Minecraft, Animal Crossing New Horizons, The Sims 3, The Sims 4, Stardew Valley, Battleblock Theater, and Sons of the Forest

My favourite colours are: Black, Red, Grey, Blue, Purple and Green

My favourite shows are: Bob’s Burgers, NCIS, Bones, Criminal Minds, Supernatural, Futurama, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Kitchen Nightmares, Hell’s Kitchen, Hotel Hell, Psych, Invader Zim, Dark Shadows (yes, I’m referring to the original 1960s TV series), Mayans MC, Mama Named Me Shariff, King of the Hill, Mr Pickles and Master Chef

My favourite movies are: The Bob’s Burgers Movie, Renfield, Demoric, Smile and The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Books of Blood, Marrowbone, A Quiet Place and Swindle

My favourite bands/artists are: Bad Omens, The Rolling Stones, OOMPH!, Angerfist, 3Oh!3, Simon Curtis, Adam Lambert, Sub Urban, Missio, Ghost, and Behemoth (This list also includes tuv but it’s already enough that I grouped him with my favourite YouTubers)

My favourite animals are a four-way tie between alligators, whale sharks, zebra sharks and leopard sharks

And lastly, my favourite holiday is Halloween

Okay, since this came out to be longer than I originally wanted it to be, that’s all the information I’m giving you.

DNI if you:

Are transphobic

Are bi/panphobic

Are Ace/aro/aphobic

Are proshipper/pro incest

Are a zoophile (furries are okay, people who think it’s okay to have shmecks with animals are not)

Are anti-abortion/pro-life

Support trump

Think xenogenders and neopronouns aren’t valid

Think that non-binary people aren’t real

Disrespect people that use it/its pronouns

Think that the US is a “Christian nation” (spoiler alert, no it’s not, it’s just where you’re FREE to be Christian--for the love of everything unholy do NOT tell me or anyone else to “repent”, your religion prohibits YOU, not us.)

Are a TERF

Think neopronouns are too confusing

Think xenogenders are too confusing (I don’t understand them myself but I’m not being an ass about it)

Think microlabels are too confusing or useless

Think words like “girl”, “bro”, and “dude” are gender neutral

Are racist

Are ableist

[cupio-stardust]

In defense of 8-Ball

A lot of people in the BFDI community don’t really care for 8-Ball, and that leads to a lot of people mischaracterizing him. Because of this, I decided to make a mini essay ranting on several topics relating to him. This includes the following:

-Mischaracterization in the fandom

-His relationships with other characters

-His missed potential

With that said, let’s start with the first section!

Mischaracterization in the fandom

I can’t stress how much it infuriates me whenever I see a piece of content that portrays him as an asshole. 😭

I know it’s easy to see him like that, since he almost makes his team lose twice. But the thing is, he’s not as bad as people make him out to be. When both TB and GB died, there was pretty much no one else to lead the team to victory. 8-Ball, however, took initiative and became the “temporary” team leader. I honestly think it says a lot that he was willing enough to take on a role like that in a dire situation. Sure, you could say he was rude to ignore Grassy, but let’s be real, would YOU want to be led by the literal child of the group who does nothing besides say his name? (By this point at least that was all he did) And hey, he wasn’t THAT bad of a leader either. Yeah, he use TB’s contraption, but fair use I guess.

Also, it’s not like he was bullying Grassy, he was just more focused on the game. In fact, it’s actually GB who was bullying Grassy, but I don’t see many people hate on her for that? (This is not GB slander btw! I love her)

While yes, most of his dialogue boils down to, “I don’t have a favorite number” it’s important to note that it’s not his ENTIRE character. He’s smart when he needs to be, as shown when he used TB’s contraption in an admittedly smarter way than GB. Plus, he genuinely cares about his team. Even though it doesn’t seem like it, you have to remember that he went (with Blocky) to Four to ask him to bring back GB and TB. If he didn’t care about them, he probably would’ve held off from it and just continued to lead the team himself until they inevitably came back.

I think the fact that 8-Ball’s whole reason for the team leader thing makes him seem so much better than how he’s normally perceived. He just wanted to lighten up the mood by making jokes, but he just took it too far by not realizing that it was actively harming their team dynamic. When he realized this, he apologized in an oddly genuine way to GB. The fact that he took accountability just goes to show that he’s a pretty decent guy who may or may not be autistic. /hj

His relationships with other characters

This is probably gonna be my favorite section lol. I absolutely love his banter with the others, especially with GB. Speaking of GB, let’s start with her!

8-Ball and GB’s little rivalry is honestly really fun to watch. The way they continuously fight for the attention of their team members, their small moments of bickering, it’s just so sjahjwzjhsjshsh

At first, GB hates him because in her eyes; he’s an asshole who tries to sabotage the team and steal her role as team leader. But when 8-Ball apologizes, she admits herself that he isn’t that bad of a guy/“a completely useless moronic dumb robot”.

After that, they don’t get many more interactions, which is unfortunate because they had such a fun dynamic! I would genuinely pay so much money just to see them have more one on one conversations. 8-Ball’s teasing + Golfball’s temper would’ve been a nice way to spice up the interactions of ABNTT. But alas, we can only dream. :(

I also wish that he got more interactions with the EXITors, since they have the feeling of a found family, so 8-Ball being included in that would be nice.

His Missed Potential

Sighhhhhh, this is the most annoying part of this whole thing: the missed potential of 8-Ball.

It bothers me that he was eliminated so early on in the series. Even though his “arc” was pretty much completed, there was still room for them to expand on him. Like I stated in the previous section, his interactions with GB could’ve served as nice comic relief, along with perhaps touching on his comedian side a little more? Maybe learning to crack jokes that fit the situation, and making sure that they don’t hurt people. ALSO! There could’ve also been more interactions between other characters besides GB and Basketball. Like maybe TB or Blocky? Hell, even Grassy. Oh yeah, and they could’ve also expanded on why he’s so adamant on convincing others he doesn’t have a favorite number. And maybe, just maybe, a little angst? Typing this all out is annoying because there was SO MUCH potential but they missed out on it. 💔

Conclusion

Ending off this small rant, I just hope in future TPOT episodes he gets more than one line per episode. (His only lines so far have literally been “Four’s back, let’s go!” and “Blah blah blah blah”) At the very least, I hope this short essay has made you like him a little more than before, or even like him more!

[trickscourse]

hell yeah I'm angry, you're defending an abuser and acting like you know him better than his ex partner and ex-friends and ex-mutuals and victims (also lol u trying to make the minor victim the bad guy in this) because you 'watched' him for a few years. You think this gives you the right to dismiss people who actually knew him. And you have the audacity to do this while championing yourself as someone who calls out pedos and abusers, and works at cons with young impressionable teens. You have the audacity to use you being black and allegedly transfemme (your sister blog has used the phrase about another transfemme so I'm sure ur OK with it, and you and calloutrebutal have said your transmasc) as a shield for any criticism. I'm angry because I had an autistic sibling sa'ed by an older autistic person, and them being autistic doesn't give them a pass. Mental illness and being abused doesn't give a pass for abuse. And puppychan was his alter and is an old username not a deadname, Salem is the alter who took over. Don't treat alters as the same person.

The defense blogs aren't my "sister" blogs, I don't support their shit and go out of my way to ignore them most of the time.

One day I hope you come off anon so I can send you a really good link for analyzing what people say and not just shoving words in my mouth and making assumptions. I'm not "defending an abuser", I'm doing research when I get a moment to myself and have the time and energy to throw myself in a situation I don't have the spoons for.

The minor in question wasn't a victim nor am I going to victimblame them, an issue with the whole situation regards to Salem is a lot of shit is thrown out of context. I've spoken to ex and current friends of his, two people I consider family are people who used to be mutuals with him.

Nobody is a bad guy for being an abuse victim, I'm not trying to say that Salem being autistic is an excuse to hurt people, it's not. I've said "my mental illness isn't an excuse for my behavior and explains why certain things happen at best" dozens of times. When it comes to Salem's situation, it's very hard to not find ableist and unbiased information on everything. If you have any, send it.

Your whole perception of me "championing" myself as someone who hates predators and 'loves' working with children is weird. When I call out predators, something I've been doing since I was 18-19, I usually don't attach my name unless it's necessary. I care about the job getting done, not credit.

Accusing me of going out of my way to talk and hang out with children is really, really fucking weird when most times someone will walk up to me and ask basic questions or ask where I got my shirt/backpack/food and we strike up a conversation. Before it goes on for too long I usually say that I'm an adult in my [actual age] and if they feel uncomfortable continuing talking, to just let me know and I'll fuck off.

Your weird insistence that I use something I'm passionate about (ending the cycle of abuse I was in and wanting people to be safe) as some sort of magic eraser for me previous actions is shitty projection or you just not knowing me.

The fucking reach around that you have saying I'm "allegedly" transfem when other people on this website would have my head on a stick for looking at someone else saying the same thing is REALLY cute, I'm not comfortable talking about my gender/bio sex/agab on anon, but trust me when I say I know the body I have more than you do. Rebuttal isn't mine, and I'm not okay with it saying that.

Me being a minority isn't an excuse for criticism, and I've asked people to not do that or to treat me like a diversity point. Something even @parafiles has done on more than one occasion. It's annoying and gives "AFAB owned business" energy.

Genuinely, I'm sorry that your sibling went through that. I hope they heal from that and can move on. When it comes to "Don't treat alters as the same person." I have the same disorder he has, I obviously know this. Someone can be uncomfortable with a former name.

[boodlesofdoodles]

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 5

So like I think maybe Charlie is actually really good at baking?? He’s probably memorized a few of Bonnie’s recipes and occasionally bakes himself something when he’s feeling upset. Kind of a coping mechanism to actually bake, and the familiar smells that fill a kitchen comfort him as much as the taste of his mom’s brownies do. There’s a sense of pride that fills him when he gets the recipe exact. He really only knows a few recipes, and he’s DEFINITELY super secret about it. Baking is something that makes him feel kind of embarrassed and he doesn’t let the gang know about it.

He might let Mac know eventually, maybe Mac is feeling down or he’s sick or something and Charlie is like “whenever I felt sick mom would bake me something. Fuck it I’m gonna make Mac something.” and brings over a small batch of cookies, careful to hide it from Dennis. Mac is absolutely dumbfounded that the cookies are so good and tries to come up with a scheme to start selling them almost immediately lmao. Charlie is not at all interested and after a lot of insisting, Mac finally gets the hint and just enjoys the cookies and his buddy’s ability to bake. Soon enough Mac is secretly encouraging Charlie to bake more often (and have him taste test everything he makes, obviously) and after a few times visiting realizes Charlie really only makes like 4 things. When Mac asks him about it he gets immediately defensive, rambling like crazy, “Why the hell would I need to bake more stuff? Are you saying my Mom’s stuff isn’t enough, dude? My mom makes really good stuff. You’re over here drooling every time I make you one of her recipes! Don’t go saying shit about her stuff, Mac. You love this shit, I don’t need to make other shit.”

“No, no! Charlie, Christ dude, fucking calm down, will you?” Mac trying his best to deescalate the hostility he accidentally brought on the pair of them. “I’m just saying maybe you should branch out some more. It could be fun to try some new stuff, is all!”

I don’t feel like writing out a whole conversation rn but basically it boils down to Charlie not really understanding the measurements, and it trips him up too much to keep trying new recipes; that’s the reason he sticks with what he knows. At first he did try looking up some different recipes but got extremely frustrated and felt so stupid trying to understand it. Nothing ever came out right so he just gave up on other stuff. When it comes to Bonnie’s recipes he doesn’t even need to measure anything he’s made them so much he just eyeballs it and it usually comes out relatively the same every time, which is good enough for him. The ‘Mac hanging out and just keeping Charlie company while he bakes something’ quickly comes to an end; now Mac is teaching Charlie the metric system and what different abbreviations in recipes online mean. He goes out and buys measuring cups for Charlie and shows him how to use them. He makes a cheat sheet with easy to follow drawings of the different measuring cups and which ones he needs to use for cup, ounce, tablespoon, etc. They try out new recipes together and Charlie starts to become more confident with it. Eventually he goes over to Mac and Dennis’ with a new recipe he looked up and tried all on his own, without Mac there to help him with reading all of it and Mac is SO incredibly proud of him. Gushing about how good of a job he did :,) anyways yeah that’s all I got I just adore the idea so much I needed to get it out of my system. As someone who’s autistic (like we’re pretty sure Charlie is) I personally love to bake because of how precise everything is as compared to cooking. I don’t have to think about how it’ll come out and I don’t have to experiment with anything. Just follow very clear instructions. I think Charlie would feel the same way and enjoy the 0 guesswork that goes into the process of baking from a recipe. Thank you if anyone read all this. PLEASE comment or message me or fucking anything about what y’all think about this concept

[dullahandyke]

Ok ok ok dgs case 3 time wooo!!

Btw loving the sherlock Holmes openings to all the chapters. Cool

Also love ryuu and susatos little travelling outfits... he has a hat :)

Also also I'm not really one for period dramas so maybe this is a common thing but I like how colourful it makes London look instead of the whole 'Ye Olde World Had No Colours Ever' like I went to London once and it didnt look as nice as this

The gavel slamming sfx whenver it says the date and place is so awful tho... grating on me ears

Office is cool as fuck tho. Gears moving yayyy totally not ominous bgm yayyyyy I feel like the gears r probs just an imposing set piece but itd b really cool if they were used in some way. Probably couldnt quite pull off a great mouse detective but like they're fairly tall I imagine there are Things up there that you cant quite reach that could be evidence in some case or another

He appears... I like his clock gimmick a lot but mael stronghart is a bit of a pisser of a name. I'm gonna keep calling him hart vortex because vortex is cool

'We're never happier than when we're standing around doing nothing' SO TRUE RYUU KING!!!!!

Birds in the bg... so that's what's on the gears theres a bunch of birds nests. :)

We have asougis arm band now.... :( waaaaa

I love susatos little encyclopedia so muchhhh I've said it before but we need to get her wikipedia. I know that considering game 2 things its popular hc that she becomes a lawyer later in life but I think she would really really enjoy herself as an encyclopedist or a librarian

'Theres something soothing about the clocks precise rhythm' ok well that's not a particularly autistic sentiment but I'm saying it is. Ryuu autist for life!!!

'We spearhead every revolutionary new technology in the world here in London' sure jan

'The sun will never set on our great empire' DECOLONISATION BEAM ATTACK!!!!!!!! If I see the end of the British empire in my life I will be a very happy man indeed

Vortex asking if ryuu is willing to commit to everything asougi planned... ominous

'If you get this man found innocent I'll let you be a lawyer' unsuspicious! Let's go for it <3

'If theres no defense then the defendant will get the max punishment automatically' surely that's not how that works

Omg I can ask susato what to do... yessss shes an assistant proper!!!!

Oh I was expecting the old bailey to be a bit more grand. Looks a bit piss

NOT THE TOP OF THE MORNING TO YA 😭😭😭😭😭 and the written Irish accent...

Tho given what I know of megundal the fact that he Does have such a noticeable accent is a bit of character... like hes so much dressed to the nines and the man with the money that youd think he would have ditched the Irish accent. When does dgs happen again? After the famine, before the rising? Youd imagine hed give up either the accent or the posh aesthetic given how badly they clash - outfit prevents him from fitting in with 'fellow people down on their luck', accent prevents him from appearing entirely affluent

[bogkeep]

i think. that if My Trauma™ has taught me anything, is that a lot of the time, what makes something Malicious Manipulation is the context.

like, of course we want to be able to tell when someone is trying to decieve us, and there are plenty of phrases to raise red flags and linguistic tricks designed to rope us along, to be sure... but someone saying the truth in a kind way and someone lying with ill intent can say the exact same thing. the difference is that one does not match up with reality. and yeah, that's scary! that's the whole thing about trust!! every time i see an analysis of someone's behaviour on social media with a framing of that person being SUSPICIOUS and MANIPULATIVE, it honestly really fucks with my head because ANYTHING can be posited as Suspicious and Manipulative. blocked people? didn't reply to every message from strangers? didn't publicly adress a topic or a controversy? took a break from the internet? said literally anything at all??? sounds like normal and healthy social media behaviour to ME, but what do i know! anyone who has the misfortune of finding themself the target of a smear campaign will quickly find that there's Nothing you can say or do that doesn't look Suspicious. if even a genuine effort to rectify a mistake or explain what happened can be seen as MANIPULATING THE MASSES, what chance do you have if you react in a normal, human way to being bullied? or, on the flip side, if you hold on to bad faith and read it in everything, if even generic niceness creeps you out, if there is no way for anyone to prove their innocence or humanity to you - that doesn't seem like a pleasant way to live, either. nor is constantly worrying if anything you say will come off as Malicious or Manipulative.

like, yeah. there's shitty people out there. i don't have any good advice on avoiding them. i trust easy, i often forget people can Just Go On The Internet And Tell Lies - yes i am quite autistic thank you - and my main two defenses are "i don't like the thing you're saying, either because the contents are bad or because the contents don't make any sense" and "the things you're saying and the things you're doing don't match up". those only really work if i trust myself enough, and sometimes that's hard, too.

anyway those are another two cents nobody asked for but you're getting anyway

[hughiecampbelle]

Eek! I’ve never heard of this whole ship request thing before, but it sounds super cool and super fun :) could I have one with anyone in the boys except for, like, the evil ones? Like deep, Homelander, firecracker, etc etc? Hate them sm

I’m a trans guy and I’m bisexual :) I’m actually from the Deep South, but I have heritage in Canada and Mexico. I’m also autistic so I have some sensory problems with noises and textures, and I get really panicked about needles. I am, however, unreasonably obsessed with things. Like many shows and music. (Coincidentally at the time of writing this I physically cannot stop listening to Billy Joel- he’s currently my lifeline during sensory overloads and panic attacks) I’ve also learned enough French to vaguely understand things, hold the first few seconds of a conversation, and roughly translate a lot of texts. It’s not very impressive. I know some ASL, and I use it when I go nonverbal (due to my autism). I have this funny habit of randomly changing my voice and my accent- like if I get excited or stressed out I’ll start being German, French, British, Australian, Russian, Scottish, New York, Canadian, or anything in between. Music is kind of just- my life. It’s my everything.

sorry if this ends up similar to other ship asks you get- but it’s really cool, so thanks for considering it :)

Hi my love! I ship you with: Hughie!!! He loves when you find new interests. There's always something new that's catching your attention, something new that's comforting and cool. He adores that there's so much in the world that you can fall in love with. It helps that you've become infatuated with Billy Joel. You two could listen for hours. It brings a smile to both your faces. Hughie hums along, afraid to sing and mess it all up, but you love the sound of his voice. You're constantly making niche playlists for one another, sharing them when you can't sleep. Hughie wants you to know that he took the time to listen, giving you individual feedback about each song. You love how awkward he is. He's tall and gangly and hasn't yet learned how to exist as he is. You think it's cute that he's a little clumsy, coming to his rescue with band-aids or ice, that he fumbles over his words and is constantly trying to re-explain himself. There's something charming about it, something sweet that instantly gets your attention. Your relationship is easy-going. Despite all the drama with Vought and Homelander and Compound V, you and Hughie have a really stable, easy relationship. There are no mind games, there's no questioning or defensiveness. When you're having issues, you talk it out. He'd never want to hurt you and you'd never want to hurt him. He's been through a lot lately with his dad and that awful Tek Knight party. You make it known you're there for him when he's ready to talk. You're not overly affectionate, but you do hold hands a lot. Especially after something's happened, something bad or scary, you squeeze one anothers hands, making sure the other person knows you're there. Your first date is takeout and a movie. You were supposed to go to the movies, but after the day you've had, after what you've seen and been through, you both come to the mutual conclusion that it would be better just to stay in. You barely even watch the movie, instead you spend the night talking and laughing, unpacking what's happened recently. It's so ridiculous you can't help but laugh at it. Hughie promises, for your next date, if there is a next date, that he'll take you out. You don't mind what happens as long as there is a second date, and third, and fourth. Relationship Headcanon: Hughie learns sign language for you. Or at least, he's trying to. His hands are clumsy and he often gets the signs wrong, but he's doing his best. He's better at understanding it than actually doing it. He wants to be able to better communicate with you when you become non-verbal. He wants to be able to help you, too. He never wants to speak for you, but with your permission, he shares your thoughts and ideas with the group when you can't.

Hope you like it my love!!! Xoxoxo💜💜💜

[drdemonprince]

I have read your article about the pros and cons of Seeking an Autism Diagnosis. I think it makes some very good points. I would like to add my own point of view. At the beginning, it will sound like a far stretch to autism but hear me out :)

I am a transgender woman and my egg cracked right in the middle of the pandemic, a few months after my first, but quite traumatic, ulcerative colitis flare. After many years of overworking myself and drinking way too much on the week-ends, I just reached a point where my body told me “this has to stop”, I felt completely powerless and desperate. I had to implement self-care in my life, it was a matter of survival. The tricky part is that I have been hating myself and pretending to know who I was for so long. My whole life was about alienation. Worse, now I could not use the crutches I was used to. To move on with the transition I had to dig deep down within myself and it was scary and confusing and complicated. I did not feel I was trans enough to transition and I did not feel like talking with “regular” therapists was  helping, I felt misunderstood. At the same time, my gf and I spoke a lot, we knew I had some autistic traits but were never sure. I thought I was not autistic enough to search for a diagnosis. I got even more confused the day I learnt a lot of people on the autism spectrum are also trans or non-binary. 

I was paralyzed by wanting to transition but hating change but at the same time really wanting to have the benefits from HRT and surgeries. I was just going deeper into depression and not taking care of myself. I then thought looking for a formal autism diagnosis would maybe help me with the transition. If I was autistic, it would mean it was valid enough to transition. At this point, you will probably tell me “and you got yet another crutch”. But I can reply: maybe not, if you hear the rest of the story ? 

A week after having the diagnosis, I felt relieved and decided to call my parents to talk about it. I figured talking about my autism would be a good rehearsal for my coming out. The discussion went very bad. My mother especially was very defensive. I ended up crying. I cut all communication with them, I needed time to think. I ended up realizing I had seen how my parents really are as persons. And it was the most freeing moment I had in my life. I started to understand all the BS and the power they had over me, even by appearing as nice and caring. This experience enabled me to move on with my transition and un-shackle myself. It was a rough time but I finally can start to heal. I started HRT 4 months ago, bought feminine clothes last week and I am going at my own pace. I now know I can do it, it just started to click after that discussion. I know I will never use my diagnosis for anything else and at the time I decided I needed it was for completely different reasons, but now I really know why it was useful.

Thank you for reading me, feel free to give me your perspective on that. I just wanted to say people search for a diagnosis for many different reasons.

Thanks for sharing your experience with me. I guess my question would be, if you were in a country where it was necessary to get a gender identity disorder diagnosis in order to transition, would going out and getting that diagnosis have also given you the same kind of relief?

it kinda sounds to me like you took kind of a circuitous route to finding some credentialed authority who would sign off on your self identity in one fashion, so that you could feel okay about having the right to define yourself at all in any fashion. and i think you can be freer than that and deserve to be.

but like im glad it worked out! im glad you got the external permission that made you feel okay giving yourself the permission to do what you had already wanted. i hope you (and all of us) can get to the point where just wanting to do something is enough reason to do it.

i had to take a very complicated and indirect route to giving myself permission to be trans as well, of a different sort. so i do remember what those doubts were like and how impossible they are to intellectually argue away. shoutout to A Safe Girl to Love by Casey Plett and shit ton of high intensity erotic hypnosis for getting me past the point of intellect and into the realm of intuitively feeling what i had known all along

[albinism-awareness]

So, I've already read up a bit on general albinism medical facts and stereotypes and such so I mostly want to ask for a vibe check on some magic/magic adjacent stuff?

I've got this dude that's basically the reason I did the research, he starts out as a witch/witch's apprentice*. This is overall a high-magic-ish world and most of the main characters are involved with some kind of magic (I also want to drive it home that it's a coincidence in-story; I assume it'd be a similar situation to "It's fine if your autistic character has magic, but be careful how you do it"?).

The thing I'm less sure about is that at some point in his early twenties he decides to fight a vampire**, which is a bad idea but one he actually does consult a seer about, who basically proceeds to lie to him because she decided that having someone functionally immortal who knows witchcraft and has been taught to protect the village and people in general since childhood would be great for a vague horrible thing she can kind of glimpse at? So she basically knowingly sends him to get turned into a vampire by a mad scientist vampire.

He doesn't stay one forever (he becomes a demigod eventually which undoes the whole "kind of undead" thing), but I understand that having a vampire with albinism could be kind of questionable even with the context of "these two things are completely unrelated, he's just really unlucky".

Overall he's generally a heroic if tragic character in the sense that a lot of huge responsibilities (Saving the world! Defeating god! Defeating another god!) get dumped on him by virtue of him being both somewhat more powerful than actual mortal mortals now and having the time to theoretically be able to plan things long term, but also to some degree because nobody else will deal with it. Also the whole "unwilling transformation and being forced to work together with the person that indirectly did it to him". I guess in a lot of ways he's almost a classic heroic archetype but with oodles of trauma and the soul crushing horror of being in a fight where your odds of succeeding are absolutely abysmal.

I think I'm good on most of the other pitfalls (he's not evil, has vision issues and uses a variety of accessability aids, mostly big hats, sunglasses and magnifying lenses and has blue eyes as a kid which later change to purple explicitly because of a magical things happening to him-something fairly common for people that get hit by that kind of magical thing), but this one I'm really not confident in.

*Basically, a kind of person that uses magic the way a chemist uses chemistry that doesn't rely on innate talent/magic power, which he has little of. He's pretty average/below average in that respect in this world.

**Vampires are generally integrated into society as a kind of super soldier for defense against all kinds of dangerous critters, though some go rouge and decide to murder people for blood rather than be provided through, I guess blood taxes but literally and not particularly sinister.

(so sorry for the late reply)

Dude! That sounds like an awesome story! :)

The only thing that I would ask you to reconsider is maybe something other than an albino witch? only because other than ghosts and vampires, witches are the number one stereotypical ‘creature’ that people compare people with albinism to because oftentimes in small tribes in Africa, people with albinism are thought of as containing mystical properties, thus are hunted for limbs, teeth, hair, eyes, etc. and are usually eaten/consumed. (Keep in mind this isn’t true for all African places, just really small tribes). But that’s the reason the witch thing can be seen as offensive.

And when it comes to fighting, keep in mind that if your character does have albinism, long range weapons would probably be out of the question because of our visual impairments, so long range weapons (guns, snipers, etc.) are likely out of the question. (I’m not sure if you gave them weapons, just putting down in general)

Hope this helps! :)

[eye-of-yelough]

Slater info teehee

[picrew link]

- her name is actually Bonnie, Slater is a nickname. Merc friends used to sometimes call her Bonnie-Slater, like a double barrel name.

this got long so. hi

- she’s an artificer/blacksmith/scout first and a fighter second. i imagine the inquisition is her first time ever on the front lines. she has to learn to use a bow and never really gets very good at it, very defensive/evasive fighting style.

- shes 37 but she acts like she’s 60. only had one serious relationship pre-canon with an apostate. she probably got possessed or corrupted by blood magic/thirst for power or something. part of why slater is so scared of demons/magic and is such a chronic centrist. sorry worldstate

- Useless Lesbian™️ who crushes on pretty much every woman in the Inquisition, especially Vivienne, before eventually romancing Sera. she is genuinely very unaffected by their age gap. if anything, sera fetishises her for her age. Sera makes her more of a weird pervert though, i’m sure.

- Sera and Vivienne are the only people she gets along with immediately, Bull’s an agent of entire thing she’s been taught to fear, Cassandra’s too serious, Blackwall’s too serious, Dorian’s a vain snob, Solas is insufferable, Cole is creepy and Varric is just…. Weird. she eventually gets along with pretty much everyone but Dorian, but it takes a good while.

- she got that oddly formal autistic negative rizz, which kinda comes from her mentality of wanting to be “one of the good ones” as a Qunari. probably spent a lot of time as a teen learning to speak properly and politely in the mirror.

- she really changes as a person as the story progresses. the valo-kas mercs respected her penchant for working alone in the corner, nonverbal. the inquisition forces her out her shell, she becomes warmer as she develops relationships for. pretty much the first time ever. but also more calculated, harsh, vengeful towards her enemies, finally harnessing that qunari rage she’s been suppressing her whole life. i like to think vivienne and sera are playing tug of war with sera trying to keep her grounded and caring about the little people and vivienne trying to point her towards power grabbing. toxic yuri <3

- 6’3. Very short by Qunari standards. Only a few inches taller than Cullen, Bull has to look down at her. (Not so) secretly insecure about it, even though it’s silly. She’s like one of those big dogs that has no idea how big she is

- she dresses like if jimi hendrix was a cowboy. she has boots with spurs shaped like the inquistion logo and loves paisley shirts 👍 she’s very sad her horns stop her from wearing hats.

- she’s a hobbyist! Bring a merc is all she knew before the Inquistion. Since joining she’s learned to whittle, play the lute, bee-keep, (for her wifey) and bone collecting/preserving. she’s a big reader and especially likes history.

[hpmort]

In Defense of The Glass Princess

I didn’t properly appreciate the extent of “a million is a statistic” before today

When I was a little kid I watched a lot of nature documentaries

Because it was the new noughts and on-demand sucked

(I didn’t think so at the time

TiVo was a separate service that had just been invented

The ability to watch something that wasn’t live

That the cable box didn’t have to have watched live

That you didn’t have to go out and buy

On a disc or in a box

Was new and exciting)

A series of rectangles within rectangles

Boxes folding in

Silvery blue and blueish grey

In the upper right hand corner

A video on-loop played

A category

A subcategory

A channel

A show

An episode

I was a child with a clear sense of

RIGHT

and

WRONG

Which, of course

Was not necessarily the most reasonably

The boxes I limited myself to were

Kids

(Where I mostly play favorites

Not for moral reasons

Just brand loyalty)

Premium Channels

(Subcategory

Kids/Family)

and

Documentaries

(Or something like that

It was over a decade ago and I was probably younger than six)

Category

Subcategory

Channel

I took everything on the channels under

Documentary

(Or whatever it was)

As fact so

Yes I did find Ancient Aliens plausible

The thing about the not-for-kids channels I allowed myself

Is that they were genuinely

Not-for-kids

As in;

I watched graphic animal deaths

And other stuff with content warnings

Remember

It’s the noughnties

People didn’t give trigger warnings

It was “most extreme animal reproduction”

Or something

There were crappy cgi renderings of mites engaging in natal incest rape

Sharks eating eachother in the womb

And live footage of a hyena giving birth

(The last one is what had the content warning)

There was other graphic animal stuff

As I said earlier

Mostly violent death

There wasn’t really much interest in violent mating habits

Yeah the mantis eats her mate

Parasitoidism exists

But that was mainly it

Because it was more about death than sex

(Fair enough)

Anyways

When I was in second grade or whatever

I was getting disillusioned with My Little Pony

Because my only exposure had been G3

And G3 was fairly low conflict

(A complaint that led me to

later

after watching like three episodes

Give Friendship is Magic a one star review

On the website “Common Sense Media”

Under a cringy name I had derived

From an absurd escapist world I had created

That I later tried to theme my birthday party around

(?)

(My pre-teen years were not kind to me)

(One year later I became a fake brony

Because I liked their general energy and level of engagement

And was desperate for a sense of community))

My father

Perhaps concerned about internalized misogyny

Or just wanting to know what to buy me that wasn’t a video game

Or an anime

(The T rating of Super Smash Bros Melee

And the fact that anime was not necessarily kid friendly

And the anime that was was not necessarily in english

Surely made the certainty appealing)

Bought me

My Little Pony: The Complete First Season

(He did not buy the movie

Which made the whole thing even more confusing

Then it already was

But I was a small child

(An autistic one at that)

And so was used to being confused about most things

So it didn’t matter)

G1 My Little Pony was insane and enthralling

It was baffling

It was amazing

I experienced good autistic representation in the form of Best Pony Windwhistler

(I was still in denial at the time and convinced that my diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome was the mark of a conspiracy

That was against me

But only in the abstract sense

I thought that it was a conspiracy to artificially inflate standardized test scores

Where I was center

So while the conspiracy wasn’t specifically against me

My role in it meant that it was in opposition to me and my flourishment)

We got

The Quest of the Princess Ponies and Other Stories

Before the movie so I also managed to have a completely inaccurate understanding of what an orc looked like

For literal years

Because the titular

Quest of the Princess Ponies

Featured “orcs”

Who one would never in a hundred years think was an orc

If they had not already been told they were

It is commonly held

Among the fans of the first generation My Little Pony series

That Quest of the Princess Ponies

Is one of the best serials

And that

The Glass Princess

Is one of the worst

I disagree

The reasons given that

The Quest of the Princess Ponies

Is a particularly good serial

Are impressively shallow

And consist largely

Of the presence of orcs and demons

And the fact that the princesses fucking hate eachother

And are

“conspiring against eachother”

(This consists of being bitchy to eachother with some petty levels of normal sibling sabotage

And kidnapping Spike and making him choose who shall rule)

For the crown

(The powers that it entails being vague and perhaps nonexistent

Considering the ultimate resolution

Once they’re done running around in a cave with the orcs and demons

Is that they should take turns being queen)

Although the part I admit is charming is rarely mentioned;

The eternal blood war between orcs and demons is because they can never shake hands as friends

Literally

Because demons are fire elementals and orcs are ice elementals

So Spike brings peace by holding the hand

Of a fire demon

And an ice orc

At the same time

And shaking it for them

The main complaints about

The Glass Princess

(Aside from unusually bad animation

Which means little given how terrible it is on a good day;

The twinkle-eyed ponies have evidently forgotten to put their eyes in

Given how common it is to see them with just circles)

Are as follows

Shady is whiny

And

Princess Porcina is inconsistently written

I have always liked Shady

She is depressed

She is anxious

She is full of self-loathing

I honestly saw a lot of myself in her

And found her a complex and well-written character

Doing something right

Doesn’t make you feel good

You feel guilty and think that you could have

Should have

Done it right before

Because if you can do this

Why can’t you do that other thing?

The one everyone says is easier?

I also always thought that Princess Porcina was written well

I’ve noticed it a lot

People completely ignoring something terrible happening far away

But immediately helping someone in front of them

You can order a hundred deaths

But if you see someone dying

You feel the need to help them

And that’s what she does

When everyone is so far away

She feels nothing

Why not turn them to glass?

They’re not there

They don’t matter

But when she sees someone turn to glass in front of her

Sees their horror

The panic they feel

When they know that it’s coming

She can’t stand it

She’s forced to face what she’s done

And

She

Stops

That’s normal

I think

Today

Friday

The second of June

In the year two thousand and twenty three

Driving home with

(Being driven home by)

A friend

This evening

I saw six goslings with their mom

One was clearly

Cleanly dead

One was normal roadkill

One was injured but moving along

One was injured and struggling to move

(But I was sure

That if we stopped

We could have gotten it

To a veterinary hospital)

One was fine

And one was cleanly eviscerated

Its entrails torn across the road

Miraculously whole

The uninjured one

And the slightly hurt one

Were following their mother

Who seemed clearly distressed

(Obviously

She was

But I don’t know goose body language

And so what I took as one form of grief or trauma could have been shock or something else)

My friend was clearly shaken

I asked her why we didn’t stop to get the one that was down

But still moving

She was panicking

And didn’t really answer

She

At least

I could recognize distress in

(And yes

Some of it was shock)

She spoke with disgust and horror of the driver in front of us

I pointed out that the eviscerated one was in another lane

She hasn’t seen it

The very idea seemed to horrify her further

I tried to look on the “bright side”

(As she often does)

If we had stopped to bring the injured one to a veterinary hospital

She would have seen the eviscerated one

She looked sick enough as it was

And admitted that

Despite the prescription-strength anti acids she was on

That if she had see that gosling

With its organs torn out

She could have thrown up

(Which

While she didn’t mention it

Would probably have made things harder to help the badly injured one

I can’t imagine driving with a goose in a car with a windshield full of vomit)

I comforted her

Said I was fine

She was gentler

Softer

The Canada Goose has a conservation status of “Least Concern”

It’s not important

These things happen all the time

I know this

(My friend offers a prayer for the goslings

And tries to think of another

I offer to show her the Word Wildlife Foundation

So she can see what species she can symbolically adopt to honor the gosling

There are no waterfowl on that list

Boobies are seabirds)

I cannot fall asleep

I cannot shake my uncomfortable feelings

I am sad yet struggle to try

I feel guilty

I don’t think that anything I could have seen or read

Could have desensitized me

I wish it did

[wolverina2002]

I had incredible teachers and horrible agemates, which wasn´t the worst possible combination but could´ve been better. For context, I´m autistic and german and my parents put me in school a year later than they could have (my birthday´s in autumn).

I hated kindergarden and elementary school. I was interlectually advanced from my agemates to the point where picture boks and playing pretend bored me to tears, but not emotionally mature enough to express that. I was, however, emotionally mature enough to be completely out of touch with other children my age. My kindergardeners were no help, they were just glad to have a child they could put in a corner with a book and I´d be quiet the whole day.

(I was not properly socialized with kids my age when I entered elementary school and have been of the opinion that children are the worst ever since)

Elementary school was a lucky strike. I´d been diagnosed right before and my teacher was the absolute best. We didn´t know what I´d need, I couldn´t articulate what I needed and my parents weren´t yet sure just how big of an impact autism would have.

So they just accepted that I hated recess with a passion and let me either stay in the classroom or the library. My teachers allowed me to quietly work instead of making me the center of attention, which was heaven.

I was somewhat of a gifted kid in elementary, though. I always finished writing or reading or maths first. I only needed three lines to grasp a letter or a word where others would need a whole sheet. I was bored to tears by the simple one sentence tasks we had to do and the silly stories used to make it "interesting", so I wrote my own clumsy little tales of dragons and wolves. I read 'The Neverending Story' in third grade and decided halfway through that it wasn´t my thing, so instead I burried my nose in 'The magical treehouse' and read my way through the series at a speed that is terrifying in hindsight. I read 'The Hobbit' in forth grade and then devoured the first three 'Harry Potter' books in a year. I was ten at that time. I loved maths. My handwriting looked like spiders had run all across my page and I´m dyslexis but I wrote fluidly by second grade and could memorize complex words if I repeated them often enough.

My teachers never told me how special that was. They didn´t need to, my classmates made sure I knew. Nobody wanted to play with the weird kid that disected the cases from 'The Three ???' for fun, or that thought playing pretend with toys was silly. Funnily enough, the boys were great in elementary, where we were at the age where being able to run faster and kick the ball harder mattered more than being a girl, but even that wasn´t enough.

I entered gymnasium with the conviction hat all other children were useless bullies and that I´d be better off alone. It did not get better. I made two friends I´m still in contact with. My grades went unsteady because I felt unsafe in the classroom. I had to repeat a year and my social issues got worse, then basically went into freefall due to covid.

My teachers have been a blessing through it all, most of them at least. They supported me as good as the school system could, but university is showing me how much better I would´ve done in a different learning model. Nobody ever thought to adress my abyssmal social skills aside from telling me off for biting people as a defense mechanism, or for wearing my headphones too much in public. Nobody ever tried to teach me how to interact with people my own age, or how to function in society without masking heavily.

So I guess the moral of the story is that being a "gifted kid" can be a pain even if your teachers aren´t the problem?

(It´s better now. I´m in university and my fellow students all know what´s up and are great about it. I figured out I´m ace and put down a huge part of the "wtf is wrong with me" baggage. I´m looking into my mental health. I´m hugging the cat a lot. I just wish someone would´ve noticed sooner that my issues weren´t academic, or that the fact that I was a good student didn´t mean I was doing well in school mentally. I wish I didn´t have to research my own condition to pinpoint what was autism and what is me not being okay.)

people misunderstand what ‘gifted kid’ actually means but it’s ok it’s fine it’s cool it’s good

[pretty-volatile]

Tuesday, October 1, 2024 6:14 am

I haven't posted in a looongg time lol. There's quite a bit to catch up on. Um firstly yay, October! My favorite holiday is coming up! And my 9 year anniversary with my amazing partner ❤️🍾🥂🌹🎉 but also, lol one of trauma times is coming up and actual Halloween does have a trauma past too, but I've moved on enough/dissociated that enough that I don't have current play by play memory of it, just the facts, of both traumas. But it's something to keep in mind to make sure no one gets triggered out in a negative way.

Okay so here's to the juicy part of this .......what if ......it was OSDDID the whole time????? Just hear me out okay......

Autism: okay yes, we have it, and it may have even contributed to the osddid tbh. But like once I started to pay attention to our ism, I think we were addressing the negative symptoms that some of the alters were experiencing/made it less likely to dissociate/switch/shutdown etc. therefore those alters feel heard/accommodated that we don't feel those as much/they don't influence as much. Obvsly autism applies to the whole collective (we call it that), but some alters can hold more or less traits/symptoms. Also sometimes the stimming feels like it's our little (v autistic) and teen that def has ADHD.

ADHD: do we all experience ADHD like our teen does? Hmm I'm not sure, I feel though the possibility that a lot of my executive dysfunction is more related to there being no communication betweens us and being able to remember what it is that we need to do or needing certain alters to do certain tasks/chores/responsibilities/areas of focus. But like it's cool that we see the usefulness of hyperfixations/positive obsessions that can bring someone out that needs to get shit done.

BPD: not all of us deal with BPD traits. It seems to be concentrated in relationship alters/sexual alters/trauma holders. There's def one maybe two that we can think of right away that this applies to. But the self harm etc def applies to persecutor/abuser introject. Fp obsessions can also be mostly attributed to a certain body queen after that also seems to be a sexual alter/relationship trauma holders that need someone new to latch on to

Bipolar w/ psychosis: alright this one's gonna be hard but head me out okay....our strong moods were attached to a certain way of thinking, behaving, our perspective on things, likes/interests, and it would always change with stress and with trauma and when we didn't keep up a routine, these things can also be explained by us alters.....and my psychosis, while I def have hallucinated and I have experienced delusional thinking, but also ....the hallucinations and the delusions had more to do with not feeling like the world around is real (derealization) or feeling like I'm not real or like this isn't my body (depersonalization), and some of my delusions could also be explained by other alters and being confused while fronting because they were also experiencing dpdr......

OCD: def struggle with obsessions and compulsions, However, starting to wonder is ocd was more just a defense barrier to discovering that we're a collective...like some intrusive thoughts could be an alter in the headspace, And some could be intrusive thoughts of that after but a diff alter is fronting so they can ignore it bc it's not theirs but if co-con or co fronting then it can affect both. But a lot of intrusive thoughts about things that we've fucked up on and it's basically probably an alter reminding the other alters to not fuck up again bc it's important to keep things cohesive and consistent and if we must double check triple check everything that's done so it's done right so we don't have to explain why we don't fucking remember what happened or why we did something because there amnesia between us sometimes and it takes a whole for information to boot up. But it's also like our OCD kept guiding us in other directions(diagnoses) that did address some alters' concerns without acknowledging that it belonged to a particular alter's concern or that we're a collective etc

Eating disorder: a lot of this is tied to the physical neglect we went through and we're fairly certain that a certain alters, maybe the little, is the one that does the eating, and the rest of us dissociate the need in order to survive bc we have tummy issues sometimes and don't always have enough food or time to eat or other alters don't like how stomach feels after eating and have to move around a lot. Usually have to smoke weed in order to bring out the hunger signals and the alter so we can eat. We're so proud of ourselves in our expansion of foods we eat that we wouldn't have eaten before meeting our partner. But also a lot of the discomfort with the body came from trauma, but also depersonalization/dysmorphia/dysphoria(gender too) that came with it....hard when the body doesn't match with how an alter looks in headspace. Hard not to take it out in the body when the body has been so often critiqued, objectified, perceived by others when we do not wish it.

cPTSD: well this is a no brainer, if you have ongoing trauma/abuse, that's gonna cause cPTSD and if you have it at a young enough age, you're gonna get osddid. So I mean, we know this to be a fact

Dyslexia/dysgraphia: feeling dissociative when trying to focus and be present but also math and writing is so often associated with school and school of course required certain alters/split to trauma holders so can't remember all that right now. Also sometimes gonna have messy handwriting when there's a lot going on in headspace that can't always translate to the external wold

Dissociative amnesia: ADHD time blindness? Or in dissociative trance? Or unable to remember what another alter did/thought/felt/reasonings for so or not feeling emotionally connected with it between diff alters? Sometimes can remember things, sometimes can't, sometimes can remember as simply a fact but not necessarily something that they did their self

Denial: sometimes it's so easy to accept all this and it just makes sense and we've been like this the whole time but we're always scared of being wrong --> punishment so it's hard to accept sometimes. Also it's like in headspace and when high, it's like well duh we're multiple, but when some of us try to talk out loud high or not, it's really hard to accept because another alter makes us think we're crazy and we feel guilt and shame and embarrassed and it can feel like hot steel blade in our throat and like we physically can't talk about or like the dyslexia thing happens were shit gets jarbled up

Dreams and affect on sleep?: diff alters have diff themes that they dream and some of us don't dream/don't remember ours/experience someone else's dream. Recognition of what scenario one is in has lead to lucid experiences almost always. Though interesting to note, not sure if alters seen each other in dreams, sometimes is like one is watching the others as a movie or like they're in a VR (lucid dreaming). Types of dreams and how we wake up/who it is that's front when we wake up can kinda change the trajectory of the day. There are some days when an alter goes to sleep, a diff alter dreams, the other alters has no recollection when startled awake and it feels like that alter didn't sleep but also may not necessarily feel tired. Or certain dreams feel so real or so exhausting that we're so tired and keep falling back asleep cause it feels like we didn't rest

We've been contemplating whether we're multiple/plural for a while now, since at least 2019, and it came back to our awareness back in fall of 2023. For a while it was like, is this just a delusion? Is it the ocd? And it hasn't gone away and things are starting to click and we're kinda starting to get to know each other more/communicate in whatever way we can with the minimal awareness we have

It feels scary but incredible at the same time to acknowledge this, and we've been paying attention to the dissociation more kinda. It's hard to write and this is long enough.

Talk to you later,

Alex

[tooboredtothinkofaname]

Now that i think about it I was such a let loose kid, i had so much freedom it was too much. I had to upbring myself and raise myself and figure out what are the virtues. Nobody guided me, told me what is right and what is wrong, nobody told and presented to me the ideas. And in a way you could think sure it's so great to have such autonomy, not being shoved ideology down your throat and yeah i have a lot of good traits because of this. Critical thinking among others right?

Yeah but

Ugh maybe i'm too hard on my mother sometimes. She did her best, surely. But because i had to become my own and her parent sometimes nobody ever taught me how to live, how to be a person. My mother, very autistic, very introvert, very domator stay-at-homey, very busy, very workaholic, very people pleaser could never teach me things i needed. I wasn't taught anything in my upbringing straightforwardly. Only as a response to traumas i figured some self-defense mechanisms, i just reacted to whatever came in whatever instinct driven and least harmless way possible. Only guidance i got from my father was to not open the door when someone's knocking, not to answer the phone to not let anyone know we're home and to be an asshole because that's what's gonna get you things (and then add the surprised pikachu meme when i used all that against him like..?)

So i just lived along. Home alone, computer, early internet, solitude, books, toys, nature, TV, lots of TV. So i raised myself. School was occasional as i just stopped going at one point because what for? To get bullied by peers and teachers? To waste my time there? To get up super early, go through stressfull public commute with people in it? And then get back home tired and for what? What was the purpose? Some imaginary lines drawn in an imaginary book next to my imaginary name? What. The. Fuck? I had it ALL at home! All i needed, where I controlled everything and did whatever the fuck i wanted all day. Some day i'll grow up, some day i'll show them and they will all see. It was still long years ahead of me to become an adult so i had plenty of time to prepare myself right? What do you mean you need education to get a well-paid job to have money for doing things you like? You mean i have to deliberately enslave myself to do what i want? I already do what i want! What do you mean i need good grades to get to Good uni to get the Good education to get the Good Job? That is imaginary! It's out of reach now, it doesn't give an actuall material gratification now, it's all a concept a kid's/teenager's mind can't grasp on just yet. And NOBODY could give me another reason for doing such draining, pointless, boring things other than "well it's just how it is, you just have to".

So i didn't, could you blame me? Would you call me stupid for pointing that out at 13? No adult could ever explain that to me so how could i follow them?

People get jobs without education and looking crazy. It's all about if you can put your potential, talent and skills to good use. School grades never reflected someone's intelligence and worth anyway. And fuck do i agree with my kid self holy shit i was right. But i didn't realize life is gonna be so damn harsh if you don't follow the regular path. Or did i? Nothing about my life was normal except for the fact that i had different sex parents and was white in a 97% white country. Everything else about me was fucked up and the world didn't dissapoint to point it out.

So why would I ever care to be afraid of following an unusal route when my whole life looked like this? I had 2 choices: either I bend myself over for the normal standards, clench my teeth and just do what everyone expects me to hoping i will not go insane in the process OR i could just do whatever i was already doing, being a weirdo creep my own way but at least being true and (relatively) confident about it.

Idk i just needed to let it out. But yeah i lack life skills for a reason and sometimes i wish someone would just tell me what to do with a good reasoning. But i don't think i'm that much different from others in this.