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siilvan · 1 year

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bloodsport – IV

prologue | one | two | three | next

characters: vladimir makarov

summary: your first time back in the field is a whirlwind of emotions, especially after being forced to rely on yet another enemy. new information is revealed, and you realize that a drastic action may be the only way to fix this mess.

genre: angst, slowburn, enemies to ?, fem!reader (callsign: petra)

warnings: semi-proofread, cursing, canon-typical violence, descriptions of blood/injuries, poorly written spec-ops, allusions to trauma and stress, reader has a bit of a breakdown, graves lol

word count: 6k

note: giving a quick PSA here— please be mindful about what y'all write. i know this fic is about a very controversial and problematic character, but i try to be mindful about how i portray him and his actions. don't romanticize things that should not be romanticized, and be respectful to people. COD as a whole is problematic, but that doesn't mean we need to be a shitty community. support real victims, don't spread hate. easy peasy.

also, yes, i changed my formatting. the little text is too hard to read without my glasses, so... yeah. hope it's not ugly now :)

you spend the rest of the night tossing and turning, trying but failing to will yourself to fall asleep. soap texts you shortly before the sun comes up - a picture of himself and the rest of the team, posing for the camera. they're covered in dirt and ash, exhaustion apparent in their eyes, but the image is enough to make you crack a smile.

you give them a few hours, pulling yourself out of bed after sunrise and occupying yourself with mundane tasks around the house, before picking up the phone and calling price.

"hey, captain. sorry for calling so early." you chuckle, leaning against the arm of the couch.

"don't worry about it," price clears his throat, hoarse from fatigue, and you wonder for a second if he was asleep before you called. "was just finishing some paperwork. what d'you need?"

a low sigh escapes from you. "i know it's only been a day, but... can i come back? i really want to get back to work."

you can hear papers shuffling from his end. "i know you want to work, but we just can't take the risk—"

"there isn't going to be any risk," you assert, raising your voice slightly and interrupting him. you pause and wet your lips, speaking in a softer tone again. "please, captain, i know i can handle it. i just want to get back to normal already."

the line is quiet for a long moment, with price silently deliberating over your request. you shift nervously, gripping the phone tighter as you wait impatiently for a response.

finally, after you shift for the umpteenth time, he exhales deeply.

"i'll see if i can convince laswell, okay?" he concedes. you can hear his chair creaking as he leans back - you're assuming, at least. "pack your bags. i'll send a transport helicopter in an hour."

⋆⋆⋆

that's how you ended up at base again, with the team welcoming you back with open arms. laswell initially rejected the idea, stating the same concerns as before, but price managed to sway her after some discussion.

so, now you're in a meeting room, gathered around a table with lists, blueprints, names, pictures— any and all of the intel that the task force has gotten their hands on, scattered across the surface. you blink when price raps his knuckles against the tabletop, drawing your attention.

it's laswell who talks, shooting a glance around the table to address the group. "as you're all aware, shadow company has been a target of the konni group in recent times," she starts, sending you a cursory look, asking you for confirmation. you nod, and she continues. "not only have they been fighting the group head-on in al-mazrah, but there's been several incidents with undercover konni operatives in their ranks."

"good, let 'em fuckin' deal with it." soap remarks, earning noises of agreement from gaz, ghost, and yourself. price and laswell aren't as entertained by it.

"general shepherd, commander graves, and their men betrayed us." laswell pauses before letting out a heavy sigh. "i know none of you were happy about the ceasefire, and i know that you were furious when graves resurfaced. but, besides farah's forces, shadow company is our strongest ally."

"—and the only one capable of making any strong moves without risking an all-out war." price adds, shaking his head. everyone's displeased with the situation, that much is obvious.

"where are you goin' with this?" ghost asks. a tense silence fills the room for a long moment, making you shift awkwardly.

laswell motions towards the door on the far side of the room with her head. you cast your gaze in the same direction, watching as the door is pushed open.

as if on cue, the very man that should've been buried in flames in las almas walks into the room. the shadow himself. philip graves.

"oh, fuck off." soap growls at the man, looking ready to lunge at him from across the table. ghost steps forward and, if you didn't know any better, you'd think he was reaching for his sidearm. gaz and price are eerily quiet while glaring daggers at him, and you immediately feel the blood rush to your ears as every nerve commands you to shoot him yourself.

"i know this isn't ideal," laswell attempts to placate all of you, though the cold stare she regards him with betrays her calm demeanor. "but, for now, we're allies. we have a bigger threat to worry about."

"yeah, those konni guys are, uh..." graves perks up, languidly sauntering up to the table. he purses his lips for a second, thinking, before clicking his tongue. "real troublesome. i've lost a lot of good men thanks to them."

"good." ghost mutters, straightening himself next to soap.

price cuts through the tension with a wave of his hand. "alright, none of us want this, but we've got no other options." he grumbles. "konni's moving towards urzikstan. if we want to stop 'em, then we need to cooperate."

you eye graves from your peripherals, recalling the information that makarov gave you a couple weeks ago. graves isn't in on shepherd's plan, but he's likely the only person who knows the general's whereabouts. you need to say something while you still can. how will he take the news, though? he's betrayed you before, he'll do it again if it benefits him.

"petra, you listening?" laswell's voice abruptly interrupts your thoughts. you divert your attention back to her and notice that everyone's focus is on you.

"i have something i need to say," you blurt out. you need to bring up the general before he potentially ropes graves in.

you receive a collection of interested stares, urging you to go on.

"when i was captured, i managed to get some information," you drop your gaze, narrowing your eyes at the documents laid out. "we're not just fighting konni and al-qatala. some of the forces occupying al-mazrah are under shepherd's command."

the silence that falls over the room is almost deafening. the group balks at you with shock and confusion written on their expressions, until graves huffs out a laugh.

"general shepherd's 'forces' are my men. i can assure you, petra, that none of my shadows are workin' with konni." he says with a lopsided smile, confident as ever.

you turn to face graves fully, grimacing. "i'm not talking about your shadows. shepherd has another group under his command."

"what group?" price asks.

"cia operatives. ex-soldiers, specifically." you turn back, eyes flitting between price and laswell. "he's sending men undercover. the unmarked mercenaries that we keep encountering? that's them."

laswell shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest. "where did you get this information?"

you freeze. your mouth opens to say makarov's name, but for some reason, you hesitate. with a deep inhale, you blink away the odd feeling and force the words past your lips.

"makarov. i'm not sure why, but he told me about it."

yet another unbearable tension befalls the group; you're getting close to ripping your hair out over it. as if reading your thoughts, gaz speaks up.

"you know about this?" he says, directed at graves. he's tight-lipped, glowering at him.

graves doesn't respond, letting the question hang in the air. he looks just as surprised as the rest of you - makarov was telling the truth, then. shadow company isn't in on the plan. shepherd has effectively betrayed his strongest ally, to your knowledge.

"i'm sure there's an explanation," graves utters, chuckling to himself. "war's a dirty business. there's good reason to send men undercover."

"he's got part of the special activities division in his pocket." laswell says.

"isn't that where you pulled alex from?" price hums, earning a nod in reply. it's a bad situation, to say the least.

you regain everyone's attention and continue. "i don't know the full plan, but makarov suspected that shepherd's doing this to put himself back on top. start a war, get himself marked as a hero, reap the rewards."

graves raises a brow at you, amusement written on his face. "and, we should trust the judgement of a terrorist?" he says while searching the room for support.

price keeps his gaze on you, though the distant look in his eye tells you that his mind is elsewhere. "i'd trust this one's judgement." he mutters, jaw clenching.

"well, there's no point in standin' around, is there?" graves seems to bounce back quickly, shrugging off the news. "we've got a job to do and a terrorist to catch. let's focus on that."

"i'll contact farah and see if alex knows anything about the men under shepherd's command." laswell says as you all break away from the table and start to file out of the room.

"keep us updated," price nods to her before turning to the rest of you. "wheels up in thirty. we'll debrief on the way."

you breathe out a relieved sigh once everyone breaks off, heading off to finish any last minute preparations before takeoff. you linger in the corridor, running a hand down your face and groaning into the palm of your hand. of course, you have no choice but to work with an enemy whilst relying on intel from yet another. at least you can be open with your team about this one.

shepherd and makarov are your targets. graves comes after. take down all three, and your headaches are gone. no more doubting yourself, no more questions, no more nights spent looking at lists of crimes that make you feel sick. you can resume your not-so-peaceful life with the rest of the task force and celebrate the world being a somewhat safer place.

your phone buzzes in your pocket, distracting you from your pondering and pulling you back to the present. you frown at the name on the caller id.

it's a single letter: 'v.'

after your conversation - if you can even call it that - with makarov last night, you saved his number. putting his name in your phone is basically shooting yourself in the foot, so you saved it under a name that gives you deniability in the event someone sees it.

you duck into an empty rec room nearby and accept the call, keeping an eye on the door as you lift the phone to your ear.

"you actually picked up the phone this time." makarov remarks upon you answering. your frown deepens, brows furrowing.

"if you don't have anything important to say, i'm hanging up."

he chuckles, far too casual for your liking. "i have an update. something that i'm sure you'll be interested in."

you shift, leaning against the back of one of the couches. "what is it?"

"in case you're planning to return to al-mazrah, just know that shepherd's men have been given strict orders to target and eliminate members of the one-four-one."

a chill creeps up the back of your spine. it's an unsurprising order, but you still rack your brain as to why he gave it. does shepherd somehow know that you know about his plans? it shouldn't be possible— until the meeting that finished just minutes ago, the only people privy to the knowledge were makarov and yourself.

of course, shepherd's allies are aware of it, but the only ally of his that you've contacted is graves. you doubt that he's talked to the general in the short amount of time since, which eliminates graves as a possibility just as quickly as you suspected him.

there has to be another source. someone feeding him information, keeping the one-four-one under watch.

"shepherd's got a mole in our group." you reply, pinching the bridge of your nose. "fucking hell. he knows that we're onto him."

"'we,' lieutenant?" he comments with an amused lilt in his tone.

"my team, asshole. he's got men undercover in your group and in my squad. he's watching all of his enemies."

makarov hums, voice dropping a little. "you have a keen eye, petra. have you asked the shadow about shepherd's whereabouts, yet?" he asks, brushing past your frustration.

"haven't had the chance," you mutter. "based on his reaction to the news, i doubt he'll give it away, though. we might have to get the location ourselves."

he exhales, audible through the phone. "it would be more convenient if you could convince him to tell you."

you roll your eyes. "yeah, of course it would. just don't expect any miracles. aren't you the one with all the mysterious ways of gathering information, anyway?" you grumble sarcastically and move away from the couch, starting to pace around the room while keeping your gaze on the door.

"i can get his location if necessary, but that would eliminate your usefulness in this operation, wouldn't it?"

he's right, and you hate him for it. "you still need me to kill him." you counter bluntly.

"i can do that, too. your team wants revenge for his betrayal. this is me being charitable - don't disappoint."

makarov ends the call before you have the chance to argue, leaving you to huff to yourself in the empty room. a moment later, a head pokes around the doorway, startling you and nearly making you drop your phone when you jump.

gaz is regarding you with a sly grin as he fully reveals himself and steps into the room. your palms immediately moisten with sweat as worry floods your mind - how much did he just hear?

"so, who you talkin' to?" gaz cocks his head to the side, teasing. he's relaxed, standing in front of you with his hands shoved in his pockets.

you pocket your phone and flash a calm smile. "that depends. you have any guesses?"

he chuckles, lifting one of his hands to playfully stroke at his chin as he thinks. "let's see... i know you weren't home for long, but—" his grin morphs into a lopsided smirk as he eyes you suspiciously. "y'got a boyfriend?"

dear god, no.

you resist the urge to gag at the thought and shake your head. "nope, it's just a... friend of mine."

gaz leans forward, an inquisitive 'ah' tumbling from his lips. "a friend, eh? they got a name?" he asks.

"he, uh... just goes by 'v.'"

"'v?' like the letter?"

you answer with an affirmative "mhm," patting gaz on the shoulder as you brush past him. "it's a nickname i gave him. don't worry about it."

gaz groans in exasperation as you stroll towards the door, trying to ignore the way your heart races. lying is a normal part of the job, but lying to your team? generally not recommended.

"most 'just friends' don't have exclusive nicknames, you know!" gaz calls out from behind as you round the corner and start down the hall, leaving him alone.

a sick part of you finds the sentiment - makarov, being anything more than an enemy - entertaining, but your better judgement steers you back on track. you've got a mission to prepare for, and the likelihood of something going wrong is as high as ever. you need to focus on the mission and getting graves to give up shepherd.

⋆⋆⋆

shadow company's gunship is a familiar sight as you climb aboard, slipping past the groups of shadows and finding your teammates gathered around what you can only describe as the command center. graves is standing close by, though the tension is palpable as you approach.

after the aircraft lifts off is when graves talks, addressing the soldiers lining the seats of the craft.

"alright, now i know we've had our problems in the past," he starts, briefly acknowledging your group before turning back to his men. "however, none of that matters right now. the one-four-one is our ally on this mission; treat 'em like your own. copy that, shadows?"

johnny snorts from next to you. "where have we heard this before?" he mumbles.

there's a resounding "yep-yep" from his men, accompanied by several nods and looks in your direction. graves pats one of the soldiers on the shoulder and looks to price.

"think you can lay out the rest, captain."

price starts down the middle row, his voice booming even over the sounds of people checking their weapons, gear, and anxiously shifting in their seats. he moves slowly, practically stalking down the length of the gunship.

"the mission is simple: konni and al-qatala have set up bases across the city. they're using gas, heavy artillery, and stolen weapons to protect themselves." price stops for a moment and lets his gaze drag over the soldiers staring back at him. "i don't think i need to remind you shadows of what konni's done to your brothers in arms. we're going to break off into strike teams - eight men - and destroy these bases. alpha team will take the nerve center in the heart of the city. you already know your assignments."

graves speaks again once price goes quiet. "the commanders are not likely going to be in any of these field bases. but, if they are, then each and every single one of you has execute authority." he announces. "first man to bag an HVT gets a reward." he adds with a smirk, earning light laughter from several of his men.

when the speeches conclude, you settle back in your seat.

alpha team includes yourself, price, graves, and five of the shadows that graves handpicked. ghost, soap, and gaz are leading the bravo team, charged with the largest and best-guarded of the field bases. the commanding chain within shadow company are leading the other groups tasked with the bases scattered around the city.

you fish your phone out of one of your vest pockets when it buzzes, reading the notification on the screen.

there's an agent in your group 11:06 am

not a shadow. special forces. 11:06 am

you frown, angling the screen back and quickly scanning the group. everyone seems to be engrossed in conversation, giving you a chance to respond.

do you have a name? 11:07 am

not yet. he's a rookie. 11:07 am

he's stationed at the base you're staying at 11:07 am

check the files. should have transferred recently. 11:08 am

thank you. 11:08 am

don't mention it. 11:09 am

you're quick to tuck your phone away again, jolting when gaz suddenly addresses you.

"texting your boyfriend, eh?" he laughs, catching everyone's attention.

soap snorts and turns to you. "since when did you start dating?"

you wave them off, sitting up again as all eyes fall on you - even ghost, who is usually horribly uninterested in gossip.

"what are you two, schoolchildren?" you ask, earning playful noises of offense. "he's just a friend. not even a close one."

you're getting yourself caught up in a lie. a shitty one, at that. all it's doing is making people more interested in who you're talking to. at this rate, you'll get caught by the end of the day.

"bullshit— no one in this job talks to a person this much if they're not special." gaz counters, pointing an accusatory finger at you.

price chuckles. "c'mon, gaz. come off it," he lightly scolds the sergeant before looking at you. "just make sure he treats you nice, yeah?" he adds, both teasing and sincere at the same time.

"he's not my— yeah, okay. i'll remember that." you concede, slumping back in your seat.

the topic is dropped not long after, leaving you to relax as people talk around you. after a couple minutes, you can feel your eyelids start to droop, reminding you of how restless last night was. the trip's going to take a while, you might as well get some sleep while you still can.

⋆⋆⋆

everything is so hot. the sun, the ground, your clothes, the air— you.

you don't have any protective gear on, your sidearm secured in your loose grip as you stumble through the ruins where a city once stood.

that's right, you think. the city was destroyed in all the fighting. reduced to nothing more than rubble. you remember when there used to be buildings here; half-toppled and abandoned, but they stood as evidence of life nonetheless.

you falter, landing on your knee and hissing as it hits the solid ground below you. your vision starts to blur as your eyes water, forcing you to rub at them with your free hand in a desperate attempt to clear them.

when you blink rapidly, trying to force back the disorientation and bleariness, you notice a figure directly ahead of you.

an ally. a friend. someone that can help.

you force yourself to your feet and stagger towards them, sucking in a hopeful breath when they start to rush to meet you. the harsh sun— fuck, it's so hot— makes you squint, preventing you from making out a face until they're already pulling you into their embrace, strong arms holding you close to their chest.

"it's okay." their voice— his voice, reassures you softly, one of his hands coming to rest on the back of your head, cradling you impossibly closer. "i took care of it, my dear. you're safe now."

hot tears streak down your cheeks, dirty with sand, dust, and ash, as you wrap your arms around his middle. you try to speak, but all that comes out is a hiccup and a pathetic sob, so you resolve to burying your face in his shoulder to muffle your cries.

you're tired. exhausted, actually. for once in this career, you want to be selfish. you want to be the protected one. fighting, losing allies, killing— it never ends.

he shushes you, but even in your state, you can tell the action is unnatural. gentleness, empathy, tender care... it isn't who he is.

you manage to lift your head enough to look at him, eyes glassy with tears.

makarov stares back at you, his callous gaze betraying the way he holds you. it makes you pause, confused, as you slowly recall why you're even here.

you were fighting konni operatives. there was a missile— no, something bigger. something that decimated the city and would have taken you along with it, had you not ducked into a shelter at the very last second. when you emerged, shaken and dazed in the aftershock, you encountered al-qatala and konni mercenaries alike.

bodies scattered in the streets, men wheezing for air despite blood displacing the oxygen in their lungs and leaking from every orifice, some still trying to fight even as they collapse in heaps of pure agony, writhing on the ground alongside their brothers in arms.

you wince when his fingers trace along the edge of your jaw, his forefinger hooking under your chin and forcing you to look into his eyes after your gaze drifts away.

"their lives mean nothing," makarov whispers, barely audible over the sound of your heart pounding against your ribcage. "not compared to you. you're better, stronger, than them. you will serve me well. you will help me usher in a new age."

he runs the pad of his thumb across your bottom lip, slightly chapped from the dry heat. on instinct, you part your lips, and he moves his hand to cup your face before leaning in to capture your lips in a searing kiss.

it's wrong. this is wrong.

you shouldn't be here. you shouldn't be doing this.

the kiss is a distraction, keeping you occupied as his other hand falls from its spot on your hip. you don't even notice the change until a gunshot rings out, and pain equally as burning as the kiss courses through your veins.

you can't even muster a proper cry as you pull back, one of your own hands flying to the epicenter of the pain, right in the middle of your stomach. your fingers brush against the spot, and you whimper when you lift them back up to your face. dark red stains your skin, dripping down your wrist.

"i just need to fix you first. under my guidance... you will be perfect, my dear." makarov mutters, catching you and holding you up when you crumple against him. he coos at you, sympathetic yet mocking, as he scoops you up in his arms, the world around you going dark.

⋆⋆⋆

you wake up with a start, shifting to the edge of your seat as you frantically rub at your eyes. there's an ache deep in the pit of your stomach, making you press your palm against the same spot as your dream.

this time, when you look down at your hand, you see nothing. a shaky sigh escapes from you at the sight - or, rather, the lack thereof.

"y'all right?" ghost asks, eyeing you from the seat across from you.

"yeah, yeah—" you respond, shaking off the lingering effects of the dream. "we almost there?"

price comes over, having been talking with graves some feet away, and pats your shoulder in acknowledgement. "about to touch down, actually. let's go."

you disembark alongside the rest of alpha team, taking up formation with price and graves, with the few shadow company operatives behind the three of you. reaching the building isn't a difficult task despite the many mercenaries standing between it and your team; as much as you hate to admit it, the shadows are skilled in the field, even with their misgivings.

the building is another high rise, like the one you infiltrated weeks ago, half-crumpled from the effects of the fighting in the city. price leads the group as you all enter it through a sizeable hole in the wall, clearing out the first floor with trained precision.

the group of shadows form a perimeter just outside as you investigate the interior with price and graves, finding it... empty?

"thought you said this was the nerve center," you mutter, turning to the men as they search around, equally as perplexed as you. "there's nothing here."

price shakes his head, standing up from where he was crouched over some rubble. "there was something here. they must've moved."

"they knew we were comin'." graves says with a frustrated huff. "probably just protecting it to keep up the charade. the real control center could be anywhere in the city."

the two start for the exit with you in tow. "could be outside of it for all we know. we need to contact the other squads." price replies before pausing at the threshold and angling his head upwards. you stop several feet back and send him a confused look, before a low rumbling echoes throughout the building, sending dust and small debris falling from the floors above.

the rumbling stops for a second, until a louder, harsher one follows. larger pieces of wreckage start to loosen and threaten to fall, small bits clattering against the ground.

"shit, the building's too unstable— it's gonna collapse—!" price shouts as a metal beam crashes into the ground less than twenty feet away from you.

while price and graves are able to duck out amidst the falling debris, you're forced to dive backwards after a piece of the floor above falls right into your path. you search for a way around it, but as the violent shaking increases and sends more collapsing down all around you, you realize that cover might be your only option.

you scan the room quickly and dive under a pile of slabs and beams, sturdy enough to not collapse under the weight of falling wreckage, but with just enough room for you to squeeze in underneath.

it's only seconds after you find cover that the thundering sounds of heavy rubble crashing down all around you fills your ears, forcing you to cover them with your hands as each crash makes you flinch.

the worst of the destruction is short-lived. a couple minutes pass by before you're willing to move, the occasional piece of the upper floors still collapsing around you every now and then. you let out a trembling breath once you emerge, pure adrenaline coursing through your veins.

the exit. you hastily search for it, but all hope drains from you when you find it and see that it's completely blocked by the wreckage.

"petra? can you hear me?" price's voice crackles through your radio.

you go to respond, coughing harshly due to all the dirt and dust floating in the air. "i hear you— i'm all right," you tear your eyes from the exit and look for another path. it's a big building, surely you can find something. "just stuck in here." you grumble into the radio.

"we're gonna try to find another way in, see if you can meet us somewhere." he says. you can hear graves barking orders at his men in the background. "be careful." price adds in a rushed tone.

you drop your hand from your radio and clutch your gun close as you carefully traverse the field of debris, mentally thanking whatever higher power that the building only partially collapsed on top of you, instead of crushing you completely.

every movement out the corner of your eyes makes you stop and aim your weapon at it; it's highly unlikely - but not impossible - that you're not alone. anyone could've snuck in after the collapse, or hidden themselves like you did. al-qatala, konni, shepherd's men— you have a lot of enemies and very few allies in the area.

you spin around at the sound of something shifting, but only see a few pieces of wood hitting the ground. you're getting too paranoid. you try to steel yourself, breathing deeply, before a smooth voice makes you choke on the air that gets caught in your throat.

"you are very unlucky, aren't you?"

you turn again, gun drawn and finger on the trigger, but stop short upon seeing a friendly...

well, you see makarov standing across the room. it's an enemy that doesn't seem all-too interested in killing you - for now, at least.

"how did you..." you trail off, lowering your weapon.

apparently understanding your question, he vaguely motions behind himself. "there's a breach." he says, glancing over the destruction as he approaches you.

you squint at him as he draws closer, briefly tightening your grip on your gun. he stops several feet away, though, so you allow yourself to relax just a bit, lowering your weapon.

"i figured you'd be staying far away from al-mazrah, it's an active war zone after all." you comment, earning a dismissive look.

"i don't mind getting my hands dirty," makarov utters with a lofty grin tugging at his lips. "besides, we need to talk."

you cock your head to the side, curious. "and, you couldn't call or text me about this? that's been working out so far." you chuckle softly.

he steps closer again, standing a little over an arm's length away. "i happened to be close by." he responds. "this is also something better discussed in person."

you nod, hesitantly slinging your gun over your shoulder to cross your arms over your chest.

"after our last exchange, i managed to gather more information from my... source." he punctuates the last word with a half-assed attempt at a conciliatory smile. "the mole planted within your group reported to shepherd recently; he's aware of our communication." he continues, before you interrupt him.

"wait, no one knows about this, not even my squad." you assert, taking another step closer to him. you're just under an arm's length away, now.

"there was an agent within the group assigned to your care when you were captured. one of the two men that accompanied us on the first day - he listened in on our conversation and delivered the details to the general." makarov speaks in a hushed tone, one you can just barely hear over rubble crumbling somewhere nearby. "the agent on your end tracked you after you reunited with your squad. something of yours was bugged, they heard us that night."

how could he... most of your belongings were clothes, which you know for certain weren't bugged. the only other item that traveled home with you is your cellphone—

"shit," you mumble, practically tearing your vest pocket open and grabbing your phone. there's nothing obviously wrong with it at first glance, but once you pop the case off and check inside, your suspicions are confirmed.

there's a small tracking device flashing red at you, mocking you, and you rip it out before tossing it on the ground and stomping on it.

"he's heard everything," you say, twisting your boot to scatter the broken pieces. "fuck, if this gets out— i can explain this to my team and make do with the judgement, but if shepherd tells any of his friends in their cushy government positions, i'm dead."

makarov shifts, looking past you, but you don't even notice the action thanks to the adrenaline reflooding your system. "that would be an issue," he mutters, reaching for the holster at his hip. "i suppose i could protect you."

you snort, dragging your gaze from your boot to his face. "i'm not joining your side, even for this."

a thin string of red light shines from the darkness behind you, aimed at the back of your skull. makarov follows it to its source, all but ignoring your rejection, as his fingers wrap around the handle of his desert eagle.

a loud gunshot rings out, echoing against the walls. you instinctively reach for your stomach, preparing yourself for the pain you felt in that dream, body tensing up as it flies into survival mode.

the pain never comes. a heavy thump makes you turn, however, watching as a soldier collapses to the ground. unmarked uniform. one of the general’s men.

"shepherd has not earned your blood. if anyone is going to kill you, it will be me." makarov lowers his gun and meets your muddled gaze. "i suggest you reconsider my offer, petra, and give me a call when you make up your mind."

you’re left in that state as he sidesteps and saunters past you, seemingly disappearing into the darkness himself. you’re sure there’s another exit that you missed, one he’s taking to avoid running into your squad.

his offer. joining him for protection.

you'll never follow makarov or his ideals, much less join him for such a selfish reason. if you can kill shepherd, then you can destroy any evidence and get yourself out of this mess. with graves' cooperation and your team to help, that possibility is well within your reach. the only crime you'll have to answer for is severely disappointing your teammates, but they'll understand.

except, there's no guarantee that graves will help, and the rules of engagement prevent you from taking effective action against shepherd. he may be on the run, but he's an american general - killing him could land the one-four-one in hot water with the government.

that'll only lead to more restrictions, more eyes on you, more questions— there's nothing you can do to stop it.

you need someone without limits. someone the government doesn't have their hands on.

you need makarov.

a series of heavy footsteps alert you to a new presence, snapping you out of your trance. you lift your head in time to see price, graves, and the shadows appear from around a large pile of debris in the same direction that makarov originally approached you from.

"petra!" price calls out, jogging ahead of the group and stopping just in front of you. "you broken?" he asks, placing a firm hand on your shoulder and dragging his gaze across your form, searching for any injuries.

"no, i'm fine. nothing major." you mumble, struggling to find your voice all of a sudden. "just, uh..." you lose it again, your tongue darting out to nervously wet your dry lips.

"something wrong?" he murmurs, quiet enough that graves and his men can't hear from their positions farther away.

you can feel every beat of your heart, rapidly thumping against your ribs to the point of making your chest ache. only price can give you approval to do something so risky, so stupid. he'll understand. he knows the job isn't perfect, but you do what you have to do—

"i have something to confess, captain."

taglist: @sofasoap, @roosterr, @rohansregret, @lonesome-doves, @thorrsexual, @miss-nob0dy, @woodeelf, @fbs-fc-ur-mommy, @soap-mactavish, @itsyellow, @johfaam0, @cumbermovels, @chxe-zdechnac, @imagineswritersblog, @emorgz33, @sparda-ly, @ponyboys-sunsets, @frazie99, @chensipstea, @thriving-n-jiving, @preciouslittlecreature, @infinitewhore, @jade-jax

⋆ feel free to ask to be added to/removed from the taglist! (18+ only please <3)

#call of duty #cod #cod mw2 #mw2 #call of duty x reader #cod x reader #mw2 x reader #makarov x reader #vladimir makarov x reader #cod makarov #vladimir makarov #sylph.writes

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griancraft · 5 months

Text

hii @atlas-blooom this is your gift for the mcyt horror gift exchange! <3

I used formatting to add atmosphere to the reading experience. If it causes issues for anyone let me know so I can either fix it or provide plain text.

6 hours and 23 Minutes

Tubbo knows he’s dying before he can even take his next breath. In his haste to find a way to rid the server of immortals and ensure no one he loves will ever be hurt again, he accidentally causes an experiment with nether magic and nuclear experiment to go supercritical. His body has been exposed to an unknown cocktail of magic and radiation that is slowly turning his body to mush. Tubbo spends his final moments talking to his best friend.

@mcythorrorgiftexchange

#mcythorrorgiftexchange #mcyt #dsmp #dsmp tommy #dsmp tubbo #tommyinnit #tubbo underscore

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polyamorousmood · 5 months

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How do you deal with insecurity in a polyam relationship?

I've been in a poly V before, with my girlfriend at the time, and her other partner; but I honestly wasn't really invested in the relationship so I wasn't bothered.

I feel like,, if I have a partner and we either a) accept another and form a triad or b) I end up with a metamour again, I would end up worrying that my parner(s) would leave me to simply be together.

(For context, I have AvPD so like... abandonment is a complex of mine and I'm working on it but I'm still so insecure a lot of the time.)

So.. yeah. I've seen you address jealousy/envy, and I know I'd probably deal with a bit of that (in the sense that 'oh, b gets to spend time with c while I'm at work, I'm envious' kind of way) but I know that insecurity would be the thing that would bother me the most

Polysecure by Jessica Fern is generally considered a holy text 🛐of polyamory and this exact question in particular. I haven't read it personally (yet. Its on my list my list is just long 😅) So if you haven't given that a go yet, everyone I know who has read it, has recommended at least sections of it. I know it talks about attachment styles and how to handle those, which might be helpful if you have avoidant personality disorder.

The other thing, of course, is consider bringing this up with a therapist, because I am not one. And this seems like a touchy enough topic that everything I say here is pulled from my experience and should be taken as "ideas to think about🤔" and not "clinical advise that will Fix It🪄" As per usual, LOTS to go over here. So. read more.

P.S. after typing up everything, I realized this post I wrote to help a supportive partner address insecurity might also be helpful for you, and even has a worksheet! Its probably better formatted too. So.. maybe I wasted my typing here 😓. C'est la vie.

Firstly, you never said you identify as polyamorous. So if you're not... you could just date monogamously 🤷 as much as I love 💟polyamory and would like it if the whole world loved it too, if that's gonna be too big a thing for you, there's no reason you have to bother at all.

If you are going to date polyamorously for whatever reason, BEFORE you introduce another person to the mix, have a regular, set time you and your partner spend apart. It sounds counter-intuitive, but maintaining your own social life and identity outside your partner is huge. Do this especially when you're super invested and want to spend every second with your partner. That's honestly true whether you're poly or not, but in this specific case. I think a lot of the fear is bolstered by the idea that without you there, your partner is just spending that time loving the other person. And maybe they'd like to do that more blah blah blah. But this proves that's not the case: when you're not there, you partner is getting drinks with the girls, or building model ships, or any other numerous things they like independent of you. And it also means you're not just pining over your partner when you're gone, you have other shit to do too. And you'll come to look forward to your two hours a week at the coffee shop (or whatever). You will learn reasonable time apart does not equal less romantic interest.

And then, on the flip side of that, set regular protected time with your partner. Not to say never ever will something come up that interrupts that. Emergencies arise🚨, or the time may have to be renegotiated later, etc etc. But having the confidence that no matter what, you'll have a movie date every week, or that Tuesday night is Romance Night, or whatever you decide on, can make it easier. It can help prevent you feeling taken for granted, and can naturally curb NRE with other people if that starts getting unruly. If your partner starts wanting to cut into this time for not-important-shit, tell them you're not okay with that, or -- and only if truly it feels okay to you -- at least get them to make the time up the next day. And you, of course, need to treat it as special too. Make the time important, fulfilling, and intimate. It can be any activity, as long as its bonding time -- quality time, in the truest sense of the word.

Take time to get to know yourself, and share it with your partner. What do you consider to be sacred between you and your partner? Are you okay with your meta and your partner having sacred things -- what type of things? Do you feel better knowing the details of your partner's other relationships, or will that make you more jealous? (I like knowing more, because the thought of my partner having this secret life without me makes me more insecure, but other people are very reasonably of the opinion that hearing that their partner had so much fun without them is a bummer.) How much about you are you okay with your partner dilvulging to your meta(s)? Go through this on as many things as you can think of. Now, what you're comfortable with is not the only factor here; you and your partner will probably both have to make some concessions to reach something workable, but I've found that process, with a good partner, to be more securing in and of itself. You both are working together towards a common understanding. Its generally good practice to avoid hard-and-fast rules here, when possible. For example, "I'm only okay with you dating others if you're home by 11🕚 every night" makes some sense, but if taken literally means if your partner gets a flat on the way home, or has to deal with your meta's mental breakdown, or even just wants to see a movie that won't finish until 11:05 -- that's a betrayal. Perhaps even just asking for a one-time allowance is a betrayal. Instead, work for understandings or guidelines. Maybe the similar understanding in this example is "its hard for me to sleep alone, so I'd like you to generally be home by 11:00, and notify me as soon as possible if that's not going to happen" and then when they bring up wanting to stay out late one night for something, you can ask if its possible for them to do it on a night you don't have to work in the morning (maybe they can, maybe they can't, the point here is that its a dialogue, see below). There will be some trial and error here, so be prepared for that and stick it out.

Don't take every problem as a sign things are doomed, or your partner is divesting, or your partner isn't worth your investment. There will be times when someone is actually abusive, or there will be irreconcilable differences. I'm not talking about those. I'm talking about "My partner is late for the second time this week, they're pulling away from me, this is the beginning of the end"-type shit. No it ain't. A good exercise for this is to explicitly outline your worst-case scenario💣, followed by a best case-scenario🌈, and then a few most likely cases⬜. So from our example above, worst case is that they're pulling away (so you have to pull away faster so you "win" and avoid pain), best case-scenario is that they're late because they're buying you a gift on their way home, and most likely scenario is that traffic's worse than they planned or they ran into someone at the gas station and stopped to talk for a bit or whatever.

Figure out how to self-soothe. Make a stache of nice things your partner has done for you that you can check on your own to remind yourself you're important to them. Reframe some of your jealous worries. Remind yourself of things you're looking forward to with your partner. Make a vent journal. Whatever clicks to you.

And as always, 🗣️talk to your partner. Productively talk to your partner.🗣️ Talk to your partner as much as possible about how things make you feel, and make sure they're doing the same. I talk more about how to talk through problems here, and its worth the read imho (even though its equally long). But for now, know that forming this habit on its own is functionally indistinguishable from being securely attached. As long as the communication is you and your partner vs the problem (and not, for example, your insecurity vs your partner's willingness to compromise), this will be good for the relationship, and you will feel better for doing it. But to form that habit, you have to do it with everything, not just Big Problems. You have to tell your partner sincerely how much you appreciate stuff they're getting right, you have to tell them about small problems that you can handle on your own, you have to tell them about things you're not sure how you feel about yet.

#jealousy #insecurity #poly relationship advice #ask box is always open

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domxmarvel · 1 year

Text

Cafe event-Twisted wonderland edition Part 2 (Closed)

Guidelines

Start: 10 may 2023 End: 15 may 2023

A/N: I did this for my 3K milestone and really enjoyed it. This one will be open for a week and has some new prompts

Order:

Size

Drink

Flavor

Pastry/Dessert

(Click to zoom in.If you’re having difficulty reading anything you can find them in text format under the cut)

Size:

Small-Headcanons

Large-Imagine/fic

Drink:

Coffee-Angst

Tea-Fluff

Frappuccino-Smut

Flavor:

Strawberry-Riddle rosehearts

Green Apple-Malleus Draconia

Kiwi-Lilia Vanrouge

vanilla-Azul Ashengrotto

brown sugar-Jade Leech

Passion Fruit-Floyd Leech

Orange-Leona Kingscholar

Coconut-Jack howl

Lavender-Vil Schoenheit

Forest berries-Rook hunt

blueberry-Idia Shroud

Lychee-Divus Crewel

Pastry/Dessert:

1 Croissants- “You look really good in my clothes”

2 Pie- library

3 Macarons-secret notes

4 Éclair-“You’re the most beautiful being on the earth”

5 Cannoli-Sleepover

6 Tart-“I missed you”

7 Cheesecake-au (Of your choice)

8 cupcake-Jealousy

9 Sponge cake-“You’re the only person I want to spend my life with”

10 Brownie-Kiss

11 cake pop-Sick

12 S’mores-Birthday

13 Strawberry Shortcake-Unrequited love

14 Gingerbread-Yandere Reader

15 Honey Bun-”This isn’t how I wanted you to find out”

16 Churro-Prince/princess Reader

17 Cinnamon Twist-Praise

18 Cookie Dough-Fixing them up (Tie,hair,clothes etc)

19 Cotton Candy-Merfolk

20 Caramel Apple-Yandere x Yandere

21 Caramel Popcorn-”Names,now!”

22 Carrot Cake-Fake dating

23 Cookie Sandwich-”You weren’t supposed to see me like this”

24 Waffle-“Can I have this dance?”

25 Crepe-“I’ve never kissed someone before”

#twst #twst x reader #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #riddle rosehearts x reader #malleus Draconia x reader #lilia vanrouge x reader #azul ashengrotto x reader #jade Leech x reader #floyd Leech x reader #vil schoenheit x reader #rook hunt x reader #jack howl x reader #leona kingscholar x reader #divus crewel x reader #idia shroud x reader

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gatsby-system-folks · 9 months

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Emergency commissions

My friend Nev was kicked out of their parents' house last night, December 10th. My friends and I are trying to find them a safe place to go. I'm opening commissions to cover hotels, food, and hopefully (coming up this march) rent. Every shelter I've spoken with is full due to the cold weather.

I'm doing illustration, writing, poetry, editting, and worldbuilding commissions. I'm handling funds through my c-shpp for proof of payment's sake, but every cent of this money is going to Nev. $gatsbysystemfolks

Also NOT SPAMTAGGING. If you're seeing this post in a fandom tag, then you can potentially get content for that fandom here

Info below:

Illustration:

Some examples of my work

I'll also do relatively short comics. This is a snippet from my webcomic. A sketch is $10, colored sketch is $15, lineart is $10, colored lineart is $15. Shading or lighting on anything will add $10. I'm not separating character art and landscape art, both have the same rate, but something with more than 5 characters or something set in a city (or otherwise densely populated/elaborate area) will be a little more ($5 for every character above 5, and an extra $10 for an elaborate scene). Comics are the same, each page (not each panel) will be treated as a piece.

Writing:

I'll write for ocs, and from:

Homestar Runner

Rise of the tmnt

The Usagi Chronicles

Gorillaz

Good Omens

Undertale/Deltarune

Homestuck (and its affiliates, such as pesterquest or friendsim)

Venom

Moon Knight

Treasure Planet

Hellboy

Doctor Who

Our Flag Means Death

The Chronicles of Narnia

The Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit

The original 6 Star Wars movies

The Spiderverse series, itsv and atsv

The Davina skit from Rab C Nesbitt. (I see yall shipping Davina with Mrs. Robinson and I love yall)

If something's not on this list, you can still ask, and if I've seen whatever the media is I'll probably write it. On the other hand, if i haven't seen all of the content for the medias listed above, I'll have to do some research so it might not be the best work (ie the only reason I'm limiting this to the first 6 star wars movies is because I haven't seen any more than that)

I'll do ships between canon characters or between ocs, I'm not comfortable doing x reader content at this point. Also.. they don't have to be ships lol I also do just. Fics.

Some examples of my work:

I'm gonna keep it simple and do $20 per thousand words, but there's not a minimum word count. That's $0.02 per word lol. When you describe the fic ill give you an estimate of how many words I can do it in, and we can adjust. If the fic goes more than 150 words over the final estimate then it's flat-rate (as in the price doesn't continue to climb)

Poetry

Any subject really. I'll add examples of my work when the website I post on is fixed. Poetry is twice the price of fic

Editing:

Keep it under 5,000 words for now. $8 per hour. I'll edit fic, essays, etc.

Worldbuilding:

If you need help figuring out a magic system, how pipes connect your city, weird biological facts about your aliens, or even just where to put the castle parking lot, I can help. Same rules of fic writing and editing: if we chat worldbuilding for an hour, it'll be $8. If you want a 500 word summary of your new worlbuilding, that'll be $10. The text of the chat of course is free, you can pause your time of course, and whatever time I spend writing the summary isn't double charged. So an hour of chatting+ a 500 word summary would be $18

What I won't work with, in any format

Heavy nsfw- light is ok

Incest, pedophilia, noncon etc

Hate, bigotry, overly political work, bullying

Torture

Glorification of not good things. Depiction does not equal glorification

Case by case: real, living people. Context below.

What I won't draw, specifically:

Gore

abuse (such as beating, verbal, emotional)

Self harm

Everything is case-by-case, if something makes me uncomfortable I'm not going to do it. You may not put my work into an ai scraper of any kind. Also I'll say it again, depiction does not equal glorification.

Context on real people: I mean if you want me to just draw a picture of Margot Robbie that's most likely fine, or write about the wacky secret society that Laura Ingals and St. Patrick were running that's probably fine, or if a real living person appears in the background that's probably fine (I see you good omens fans having Crowley and Hozier hang out at a bar), but I won't write shipping for real, currently living people, nor will i make them the mc of a story. I'd prefer not for dead people either, but that's not a hard rule. Once again, case by case.

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desolateddreamur · 1 year

Text

Following Your Advice

Kyle x Mute!Phone addict!reader

Story: (Phone Destroyer timeline) Kyle encourages you to take a break from your phone so you offer to have lunch together.

Gender neutral reader!

Requested? No!

TW: None! Literally so wholesome

Note: please like or reblog I spent four hours trying to figure out how to format the texting identical to Phone Destroyers on my phone through Ibis after I broke my fucking tablet, please I beg of you.

•

Your phone rang softly, carrying the small jingle you used to associate with Kyle. In an instant you double-tapped the notification that was pulled down by the call. The game was far less important than calling or texting the Jewish boy you craved the love of. The one you'd do anything for.

You clicked accept on the FaceTime.

"Hey! Y/n, it's me. Listen!"

Beads of sweat- a result of the wild adventure he was just on, stuck to his forehead, causing stray strands of red curls to cling to his freckled skin. His eyes were frantically checking around for anyone listening and held an abundance concern. You cock your head to the side, giving a curt hum to tell him to talk.

While you did lack a voice, you were never jealous of his. It was far too beautiful to envy in your eyes.

"Don't you see what's going on here? You're being used!"

He gestures wildly with an empty gloved hand, making you want to be there to grab it and hold it in your own. Nonetheless, you encourage him to go on.

"Just... maybe you shouldn't be on your phone as much, you know?"

He pauses, thinking over some examples.

"Like, go have lunch with somebody, or..." Kyle rubs the nape of his neck, "Or I dunno, read a book."

He gave a sigh, finally jumping to the point and no longer beating around the bush. "Playing this stupid game is going to end up really bad for the..."

"Kyle, who are you talking to?" Cartman calls over from off camera, interrupting him.

Kyle inhaled sharply, "Nobody!" He yelled over, hanging up quickly.

You were left to process what had just gone down. You? Get a break from your phone? Your communicator?

You go open the green icon labeled as Message, clicking his profile. If anyone else asked you probably would've sent enough insults to fill a thesis to them. But it was Kyle; you just couldn't bring yourself to. He was the only one that bothered to learn sign language to talk to you.

Knowing he couldn't call back with Cartman there, you sent a text.

You sped to your closet and threw on some random cute outfit. Throwing on your shoes, you grabbed the letterman bag that held most of your items and shot out the front door. Excitement glimmered in your eyes as they kept watch of your phone screen.

Currently, you were looking over Pinterest on what you could make at his place for a cute indoor lunch date.

Placing your phone into your bag, you climb his front steps and quickly fix up your h/l hair from your run. When you knocked, some clambering was heard and you winced when something fell with a thick thud.

The door opened to show a frazzled Kyle, hat halfway on his head and a dopey grin on his face.

"C'mon on in, Y/n! I just setup the living room. I hope I didn't go too over the top?"

He steps aside and you walk in. With his living room right at the front door, you smiled widely. He had moved the coffee table to the side and set up a picnic blanket in front of the TV, a little assortment of electric candles on a flat board in the middle. The TV itself was playing some footage of a beach (Bonus being he had surround sound).

You set your bag down on the blanket and pulled Kyle into a tight hug by the hips. He tensed before setting his arms around your neck. Letting go and leaning back with his support, you began to sign to him.

'Did you really do all this for us?'

He let go as well and took your hand, guiding you to the kitchen as he spoke.

"Well.. Yeah. I mean- you're getting off your phone to spend time with me... And you never to that for anyone!"

He lets go and helps you gather up ingredients. When he turns to see if you signed a response, he froze. You were awfully close to his face with your own. A dreamy look hung in your half-lidded eyes before he got the memo and moved on his own.

One hand slipped behind your head and the other to your waist. Your own moved to loop around his neck as your chests press together, increasing your closeness.

You finally pushed forward the rest of the way, pressing him into a short kiss. You pulled away before he could kiss back and moved your hands to sign to him,

'You taste like peppermint'

His face flushed all the way to his ears and he laughed, "Well, you taste like watermelon! Can I... Can I have another?"

You deadpan, looking into his green eyes before pulling back into another kiss.

There was no lunch date after this happened. You both ended up ordered some takeout and spent the time kissing over and over in his kitchen.

#south park x y/n #southpark #southparkxreader #south park x you #south park x reader #kyle #kyle broflovski

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satancopilotsmytardis · 6 months

Note

How do you go about writing your fan fictions? I personally kind of just go for it, but I end up loosing the flow and it gets all jumbled up and doesn’t really make any sense.I’ve noticed in a few of your sneak-peaks sometimes your writing is written like a script, or they are random short snippets.

I’m hoping to fix the flow of my writing, and not loose motivation as quickly.

I also usually just start writing. For the most part what I publish is almost exactly what I wrote for my rough draft with just some grammar/spelling edited (if I remember to bother with it before just throwing it up, or if I'm not practically falling asleep before I publish it).

The screenshots that are snippets are taken from scenes that are already fully written, then I just decide on a paragraph or two that I think get the idea across most clearly. The screenshots of writing that looks like it's formatted like a script are probably specifically from my Data Leak WIP, where I'm showing text messages from the characters! That's a way to represent those texts stylistically, and not how I typically write/draft.

When you guys see anything with bullet points, that's my outlining process. Normally that happens after I've already written a chunk of the story and determine I need some of those notes to make sure I don't forget about elements that I was foreshadowing just in case I step away for a while. For example, here is the chapter summary/outline for chapter 3 of Dalliance:

I knew this one was going on the WIP rotation so I wrote down everything I remembered wanted to be in that scene so I had a play-by-play when I got back to it. If you struggle with maintaining motivation for projects, then outlining with a full chapter summary can help ensure that you remember where you wanted to go in case you take a step back for a while.

But if I know I'm doing something in a bigger chunk I don't bother with that and only make short notes. For the Pet!Shifter Dabi story, this is all I have for my outline:

It's just the bare minimum of notes, but they act as anchor points for my story. These are three scenes that I want to hit, anything around these scenes can change or be adapted, even these scenes themselves can be adjusted, it all just depends on what the narrative is doing once I get deeper into the writing. If you're struggling with your flow becoming incoherent, then setting anchor points in a loose outline can help with this. You can always look at the point you are aiming on getting to, look at your current trajectory and adjust accordingly. Sometimes you might notice that the original plan isn't working anymore, that's okay too, as long as you can replace the point you were originally going to with one that is as concrete/makes just as much sense, then making that change can help your story grow.

As far as losing motivation goes, it really, genuinely does help to share your work with a few people/online who motivate you to keep going. I know that when I was in college I was writing at a similar rate as I am now because I was working on my degree. However, once I left, I slowed down a lot until I finally started posting again over the last year. If you have other writer friends then sharing with them can be a great way to keep going!

And for anyone wondering why I'm working in Comic Sans: No joke, writing in Comic Sans can genuinely help you to write faster/not be as precious with your work. And I'm writing on green with gray text because it helps me with my eyestrain after spending so much time on my computer for writing and work!

I hope this can help, but everyone writes in very different ways, and it really, genuinely can take a while to figure out what works best for you! Good luck, you've got this!

#tanco speaks #ask #asks #writing asks

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crow-caller · 2 years

Note

Hey! I saw that you published some books (looking forward to checking them out, actually), but I was wondering how you did that? I'm not out of high school yet, but I've already finished my first draft of book one of my series, and have been working on editing and fixing up the second draft. I do have an editor, which is nice. I was wondering how you published? Any advice/ info would be greatly appreciated!

Hey, cool! My first book legit came out when I was still in high school.

I'm an indie author, so I'll talk about indie stuff... and traditional... and oh dear that's a lot.

Let's go over some pros and cons and what to expect.

Crow's (oops not) Quick Guide to Publishin'

Self Publishing:

This is what I did for Good Angel, Bad End, my duology!

Self pubbing:

+Total control of end product +No deadlines +Full control of changing it at any time -You do all the work (or pay) -It costs you money for jobs you can't (or shouldn't) do yourself like editing -Extremely limited reach of audience, very hard to sell

I queried GA/BE around a bit but ultimately decided to self publish it. It's just too niche for mainstream, being a weird genre mix up with way too queer characters. Multiple neopronouns used by funky angels in magic school slice of life that turns apocalyptic? yeah, I felt it'd be best I just put it out.

You'll need to

Edit the text (I'd recc multiple friends, a paid editor)

Proofread the text (I'd recc paying a pro)

Assemble the text files formatting (for digital, print)

Get a cover

Make pages for it on GoodReads etc and promote it

Self-publishing can be a lot of work. I did GA/BE's interiors myself using first Microsoft word, then adobe indesign for the recent revamp. Using Word/other text programs can give you a fully workable interior file, but abusing the free trial system of adobe will allow more advanced inclusions. Getting ebook files to work is a nightmare, and print can also be a pain- it's a lot of following online tutorials and trial and error I found. Calibre then is the program you use to finish digital files for release.

Costs for editing can be very high. Editing is a high skill, high time job- I got my books done on discount from a friend for next to nothing, but expect definitely a few hundred bucks. Research though fair prices. You don't need to hire someone to proofread or edit, but it is a good idea. That or outsource to many friends, ideally ones who give honest feedback. A proofreader is much cheaper as they only look for errors, I again got it cheap for 65£ per book. Art wise, I bought mine on commission- talk to an artist and make it clear it is for a commercial project and that you have the right to sell the end result. My cover for each book was about 100£

You might notice this is adding up to a few hundred quid, and yes: it cost me like, 350£ or so per book to publish, even with myself doing a lot of the work. This is a lot! Does it pay back? Usually no. I have at this point now "made a profit", but it took years. You can't typically go into self publishing looking for profit.

I really enjoy self publishing GA. It meant I could put a project out that I kinda only made for me, and have full rights to do whatever I want with it. I got to design the cover and choose what to do at every step... but it was a crazy amount of intensive work too. Marketing wise I've found is about impossible- your best bet 100% is to send the book to as many people as possible (digitally) for review and just try to get enough people reading it. Then you hope they like it and talk about it. I've found no other method of marketing particularly useful: word of mouth is still king.

Indie Publishing:

Indie pubbin:

+Don't have to spend any money (get paid) +Professional editing/cover/formatting +Backing of publishing house's marketing team -Deadlines -Less creative control -Contracted -Must query and be accepted

My first book was Angel Radio, which actually I sold when I was 17. came out when I was 18. The timescale for traditional publishing, even indie, is typically at least a year.

There's a lot of indie publishers out there, and we should read them more often. However, being published by an indie publisher (aka, a small, non-mainstream one- unlikely to ever be 'on shelves') takes extra, different work.

Do your research!!! There's a LOT of scam publishers out there. A publisher will never, ever, not even slightly ever, charge you money or pressure you to spend money (like buying your own copies of the book). A great way to check is to just look up 'publisher name + scam'.

Prepare a query letter. This is a pitch for your book, basic book info, and a bit about you. Every publishing house will have a 'submissions' page which explains specific wants (such as several pages of your book or a synopsis), so every application is slightly custom.

Query and wait. It takes many weeks to hear back with queries. Usually you should do them in small batches of like five. It's very rare to get a deal- it may not be your book, it might just be market trends or they already got a book about dragons on order.

DOUBLE CHECK YOUR CONTRACT. Contracts can be hard, so seek help if you want, though I've found my one contract to be not that long and readable. Still, you should always read a contract, especially as a scam publisher might try to trick you there.

Indie publishing is good because... it's more accessible and diverse than mainstream, but still offers the same benefits to authors. Just on a way smaller scale. I don't think my publisher, Harmony Ink Press, did much jack or shit for me marketing wise, and that's pretty typical. Marketing is very hit or miss and very expensive, so the onus is still on you to market (spoilers, these days marketing is on you no matter what). You also have more leeway in edits and covers- I designed AR's rough cover and worked with the artist directly! That's uncommon.

Most indie publishers also have a common royalty scheme where you pay it back. This isn't a hallmark of a scam, it's pretty normal: You get advance cash upfront, but then do not earn royalties until your book has paid itself off. Which it may not. Angel Radio sold for 500$, not a huge amount but not exactly tiny, especially for a teen. But I haven't earned a penny on royalties because it never sold well enough! I think I'm a little over halfway there.

Traditional Publishing

(I don't have a book of this type. yet...?)

Y'know, like, books?

+Large advance +Big support team +Marketing +Books on shelves +Most lucrative and recognizable -Sharper deadlines -Least control and rights -Must query (hardcore mode) -Still marketing yourself

Traditional publishing is the longest timescale and hardest method. Obvs. You again are looking to write a good query, but now you need to go through a literary agent. You query an agent with your book (again, should only ever be free), the agent then essentially queries publishers on your behalf ("out on submission"). An agent is your liaison to the business of publishing, taking a portion of your earnings for the service. You just can't make it into publishing without an agent.

A query letter ideally is... roughly, quickly, this is my format guide.

Hi there [actual agent name]

I'm here proposing my cool book, XYZ of ABC, a GENRE book of ??k words that IS SOMETHING UNIQUE SELLING POINT. MAIN CHARACTER is LIKE THIS but faced CONFLICT when PLOT HAPPENS, in SOME KINDA WORLD OR WHATEVER. THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU WRITE A 2-3 SENTENCE PLOT BLURB. But when TWIST happens, will MC have SOME EYECATCHING IDEA? This book will appeal to fans of THIS KINDA THING and is extra good because RELEVENT DETAIL LIKE OWNVOICES. I believe JUST KEEP SELLING KID. I myself SOME SORT OF ACCOMPLISHMENT LIKE UNI, PAIRED WITH A RELEVANT HOBBY. thank you for your time

Hot and dirty, something like that. You gotta recall at all times this is a market. It is economic. Your passion... matters, but uh. It doesn't matter. Gosh that sounds rough. But make your passion clear but your sound business proposal clearer: You need to show why your book is worth picking over thousands of other queries.

Querying is a horrible torturous process that does help you slowly build up exposure therapy to rejection and failure. Anyways, that will take a bit typically (I've been querying on and off for ten years for an agent, but a lot has been 'off' time). Then you wait and eventually, bam! Probably post some edits, your book is sold.

You still wait a long time though, and have a lot of work to do. So much work. Your book will come out on shelves at the end, sure, but that's still not a promise of success. The author these days is especially the product, and while you start on a higher stage (maybe even the marketing team will f---ing do something), you still gotta claw. There's a high level of scrutiny too on debut authors on any tier, but especially the traditional publishing tier. So your success is very dependent on each book you do, with it being harder and harder to sell books if you aren't doing fantastic.

Still, it's hard to deny the appeal of that mainstream success. Man, I'm chasing it myself! But it's not just easy book out there you go. I'm pals with traditionally published authors and you'll still be very busy, if you can get your foot on the ladder with an agent to begin with. Being on submission generally takes months, and even when your book is with a publisher it may be a lot of time and work before it ever comes out. Even then, hitting the shelves still doesn't mean you're set for life.

Still. Good luck. Go try!

(BTW look at my books, I guess, as a sticker on what I hope is good advice, and good luck! I first decided to try publishing Angel Radio with HIP because of a post by someone else published by them on tumblr... like 10 years ago now....)

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