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fishnapple · 6 months ago

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Random facts about your person

(I did the reading with the intention for future spouse/partner/ lover)

This is a general reading meant for multiple people. Take only what resonates and leave out the rest.

Your feedback is much appreciated. If you find the reading resonated with you, leave a comment, I’d love to know 🎐

About me | Masterpost Book a reading with me - KO-FI(→ personal reading)

1. Amethyst

• They had changed their living place a lot since childhood. So much moving and travel that they developed some kind of weariness concerning moving, but they still have to do it. Their life is geared towards moving, getting out of confinement.

• Could have an unstable and lonely childhood due to the moving and also due to their caretakers and people around them being emotionally distant. The theme is distance, be it physical or emotional distance.

• They have a feeling that something about them is fundamentally different from their peers, which can result in the feeling of isolation.

• Don't have many friends, but their friends are loyal. Your person could have more older friends than younger friends.

• Secretive, doesn't easily show their true self and their true thoughts and feelings to others. You could be in a relationship with them for years but there will still be some dark corners in them that you can't reach.

• Could receive inheritance from their father's side.

• Once believed in something, it will be hard to dissuade them from it.

• Secretly spiritual, believe in higher beings and spirits, the governing rules of the universe, etc. Have an uncanny intuition, could be psychic. Theirs dreams usually have profound meaning and predictive quality. They could learn things just by sleeping and meditating.

• They actively fight for their beliefs. Could have some disagreements with religious systems.

• Had pondered the possibility of becoming a monk or a hermit at some point. The desire could still linger somewhere in their subconscious.

• Not too keen on being in a leadership position but still be placed in one anyway. Reluctant leader but actually good at it. People could sense a hidden intensity in them so they are intimidated but respect them.

• Look neat and polished. No frill, practical style but not sloppy, still have a certain aesthetic to it. Remind me of a cat, self-grooming.

• They feel cleansed both physically and emotionally while taking a shower. Could have several showers a day.

• Their hand writting is beautiful but hard to read.

• Give off a clean, quiet image but people can still feel some intense sexual energy underneath. Like a nuclear reactor under a calm lake.

2. Agate

• Could appear aggressive and intense at first sight but actually a softie inside. But they only show this soft side to their closest person.

• Love food. Love tasting it, talk about it, making it, and making bonds over it. The best way to make them fall for you probably is through food. Their mood is affected by the things they eat and vice versa, their mood affects their appetite greatly.

• Materialistic, money, assets and good food give them emotional security and satisfaction.

• Usually emotionally stable and calm. They can regulate their emotions well.

• Easily obsessed, with things, with people and situations. Over indulgence could be an expression of a deep sense of emptiness that they don't know how to express in a more healthy way.

• Their energy feels young, look young for their age, or could actually be young in age. There's a childlike quality to them. In their way of thinking, speaking and actions.

• A certain part in their body is considered small compared to normal standards. Likely their hands or fingers or their mouth. Delicate and smooth.

• They rarely have hidden motives behind their actions and words, pure intentions. But somehow are usually viewed as cunning, calculating and sneaky, like they always have hidden tricks under their sleeves. On a lighter note, usually seen as smart, good with words.

• Love to learn, curious about everything, they like to probe deep into the stuff, the people they're curious about.

• Good with animals, animals love them. The one that gets approached by pets of other people. Could own a large pet.

• Their job could involve lots of foreigners. Talking, publishing, writing, negotiating. They're usually favoured in their job.

• Robust constitution, recover from sickness quickly, likely due to their optimism.

• Have hobbies that are considered strange by many. Likely have a collection of strange, quirky things that are considered useless or trash by other people. Odd taste.

• A hoarder. 'Just in case they can come in handy in the future' mindset.

• Might not be too enthusiastic about the idea of commitment and having children. But if they become a parent, they will be their child's best friend and will invest themselves completely in raising the child.

• Deliver jokes with a serious face. Odd timing. Make serious thing sound like a joke while making jokes sound like something serious. You will want to scream, from laughter or from frustration.

• Could have social anxiety.

• For all their childlike and quirky attitudes, they are loyal and serious in love. They are detached when it comes to romance, could take a long time to completely fall in love with someone. They don't like falling, once fallen, it's hard for them to get up and get out.

3. Prehnite

• They feel like their life is governed by some outside, inexplicable force that they can't grasp. Like some higher beings always watch and pull them in a certain direction.

• Strong manifestor. They work hard to get what they want and life treats them well for it.

• Not very in tune with their emotions. They have experienced some losses that prevent them from fully connecting with their inner child. But can appear very calm and down to earth.

• Could have a smothering mother and an overbearing father. Their parents are controlling and demanding.

• Could work in a bank, good at managing other people's assets and money.

• Balanced feminine and masculine energy. As in, they embrace both feminine and masculine traits equally. But whether they express those traits in a healthy fashion is another story.

• Have a tendency to lean on excesses. Emotionally, physically.

• Generous with their money. Also are lucky in money matters. They could lose money fast but gain it back just as fast.

• Like to be the dominant one in bed or at least have control over their partner.

• Like to decorate their living space. It's their sanctuary. They would love a harmonious colour palette and many frivolous decorations. Good taste.

• The way they love is discreet and intimate.

• Will want to stay at home a lot. Usually invite their partner or friends over their home to hang out.

• They have an indescribable fear concerning children. Not that they don't like them or avoid them. But it's more like the feeling of not doing enough, the fear of not being able to provide safety and care for the children. Whatever loss or pain they had as a child, they don't want other children to have that same loss and pain so they can be hard on themselves in their ability to take care of children. 'If I'm not (insert attributes) enough, then I'm not qualified to have children', that kind of thinking.

• Except for the above fear, they are confident in themselves. That comes from having learnt the lesson of facing peer's pressure.

• Have many friends from many different countries and from many different professions. But the friendship doesn't stay too long or too deep. The majority is surface level friendship.

• Teaching might come naturally for them.

• Love learning about different cultures, likely speaking more than one foreign language.

• Travelling is their way to reconnect with themselves. Can be pretty spontaneous, they just pack their bag and go without much prior planning.

4. Flourite

• They talk with their facial expressions more than words. One stare and you can immediately understand what they're trying to convey. Emotionally expressive.

• But could also rationalise their feelings a lot. They 'see' their feelings in their head than 'feel' them.

• They could have lost an important masculine figure in their childhood. That event taught them to be independent. To be their own authority.

• Can have a big ego. Not yielding to other's will. Quietly stubborn.

• Could have moved away from their homeland or at least, have that desire. They want to escape something, a restriction, a rule, an old wound.

• Internally, they don't feel secure about themselves, something is always lacking for them. They seek to build a foundation, alone, but it's actually more fulfilling when they do it with someone else.

• Have a sharp primal instinct. They base a lot of their decisions on the reactions in their body. And those decisions are usually proven to be right. So they could be choosing their partner based on that instinct.

• Could have had many flings and physical connections in the past.

• They considered their ideal life partner is someone that they can have a harmonious living routine with, not just based on physical attraction or compatible personality. They understand the importance of habit compatibility in marriage.

• They take good care of their hygiene and appearance, can be a little fussy.

• Devotional in a practical sense. They will make sure that there's no discomfort in your life. Whatever work or adjustment needed to be made in order for the relationship to work, they are willing to do it, only AFTER they had carefully considered the prospect of the relationship. If they don't see a practical future for the relationship, they will likely tell their partner upfront and end the relationship early to avoid further heartaches.

• Have some creative hobbies that they practice daily.

• Get projected a lot on. People look to them like a saviour or the solution for their problem. This make them wary of codependency.

• Powerful manifestor. Their sheer faith and willpower are enough to make anything happen.

• Something about the snake. They could have a fascination with snake, have a tattoo related to snake or they have a fear of snake.

5. Obsidian

• Cool tone, dark colours suit them best.

• They love the dark, the twilight moment of the day where light and darkness bleed into each other. It gives them tranquillity. Like to walk or swim in the dark, at night.

• Their aura feels like a cool breeze in the middle of a summer night, once in a while, you can catch the sight of white butterfly wings fluttering in and out of vision.

• Can absorb emotional energy around them so they are tired and stressed easily.

• Have a pure, innocent look. Their eyes could be watery, big, full of emotions.

• People could perceive them as vulnerable and timid, someone who is having deep pains inside. Someone who needs saving and guidance.

• NGL, some people can view them as sexually innocent, which could result in some bad intentions. Could also be one of the reasons why they don't like the company of human very much.

• They are very private and prefer solitude over the company of people.

• Have a slow and sensual way of talking. Likely talking less than the other person, a good listener. People feel validated by talking to them.

• They also move slow. Their outer life seems uneventful and slow, but their inner life is very rich and constantly changing. Imagine sitting at the beach at night, everything is quiet and dark but life beneath the surface has just waking up and busy.

• Beautiful, a haunting beauty that make onlookers focus only on them and nothing else.

• Have some daily rituals that are unique. Could have a messy living space. Things unused stay in places unchanged for a long time. Likely forgotten. Not very practical in the day to day details.

• Have rich imagination that can startle people. If they ever write some songs or poems, they will have deep lyrics with ethereal tunes.

• They learn from actual experiences better than textbook information. It is likely that they weren't appreciated for their true talent during their school years. They get more recognition later in life, when they are more independent and are free to work in their own method, where they are allowed to focus on their subjects of interest only and can produce great results from their work.

6. Red jasper

• Fiery and masculine energy, at least in how they deal with the world in general. Fast walker, fast talker.

• Like to be in the position of power and likely in one. Want to be admired and looked up to.

• Could be egotistical and have a superiority complex. Secretly or not so secretly believe that they are better than other people. The frustrating thing is, most of the time, the way they act and the result from their work prove that to be right.

• Could have many enemies, not surprising with the above attitude. But they win their enemies by overpowering them, brutally, and then give out a helping hand afterwards.

• Clever and sarcastic. Like to debate and argue or express their thoughts. Need constant mental stimulation. A voice that can make others listen.

• Generous to a fault. They have a simple mindset about money and possessions. What they have, they share. An abundance mindset, what is lost will be provided later.

• Passionate and a little forceful. Their masculine side is stronger so they can appear domineering and lacking tact. They want actions and results, not poetic musing and teasing that lead to nowhere. The one that leads to somewhere, they will consider.

• All their softer sides are hidden and likely will be projected to their partner. So they likely are attracted to soft, nurturing people.

• Yearn for love but also don't want to get close to love. A fateful love at first sight might be their hidden wish.

• Protective of their privacy and home. They will want to keep their loved one safely at home while they are out there, taking on the world.

• Have a love for art. Likely, visual art, abstract art, impressionism and surrealism are their favourite. Like to be creative but are afraid of criticism.

• Don't like to show their emotional side to the world.

• Nostalgic about the past. The past stays in their heart for a long, long time, both good and bad memories.

• Hide their eccentricity well. People won't suspect them at first glance. Could only show it when their consciousness is wobbly, like when being drunk or sleepy. Could act more childish and silly in those times.

Love.

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lua-stellar · 3 months ago

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Who Currently Has a Crush on You?? ✨Tarot PAC

Book a Personal Reading :) My Ko-Fi Masterlist

pile 1

cards drawn: reversed page of cups, king of pentacles, three of pentacles,

the person that currently has a crush on you i get the energy that you may know them from work like perhaps a coworker, or maybe a fellow classmate who gets really good grades. This person I can see is very trusted and you may go to them for help in some cases, I also see that this person is not very intelligent emotionally, however they are definently intelligent in the things they are good at and passionate at. I see this person either being really good at their job, or getting good grades, or being an artist or being really skilled at something. This person in your life for sure has a crush on you but can never express it well, they express their emotions more like a child and they have a really hard time regulating their emotions causing them to burst emotionally. This person most likely has masculine qualities and may be a taurus or has taurus like qualities.

pile 2

cards drawn: ten of wands, ace of cups, king of cups,

for pile 2 I see that this person not only has just a crush but likely is passionately in love with you! The person who currently likes you hides their emotions a lot, and has a lot of burdens in their life currently, likely this person probably has a lot of trauma too and just in general has wayyyy too much going on in their lives, but again is head over heels for you. This person is likely a water sign or has water sign like qualities like scorpio, cancer, or pisces. I feel that this person likely has masculine qualities.

pile 3

cards drawn: eight of cups, ace of swords, five of swords,

I feel that this person is someone who you likely were close to but currently may be no-contact with currently or you might have gotten into discourse with them possibly. I see that this person somehow had to end things with you and from their point of view, it was something that was necessary, however they still hold romantic feelings for you. I get the energy that this person feels like although it hurts the end of the relationship with you likely felt forced upon them like they had no choice. I see a big lack of communication with this person and you, a no-contact situation and them feeling very hurt and heartbroken because again this person definently has major feelings for you still. This person may likely be an air sign (aquarius, gemini, libra,) or has air sign like qualities.

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olderthannetfic · 10 months ago

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Getting this off my chest:

Back from a small fanfic hiatus, and I am absolutely flabbergasted by all of the fic authors now practically begging their readers to READ THE TAGS.

I’ve been seeing this warning written in summaries, in author’s notes, highlighted in all caps in the actual tags. I’ve read so many apologies written by authors in the comments in response to people chastising the author for writing what they wanted to write, for what they tagged correctly — for what essentially comes down to nothing more than having had other people actively ignore their tags or read despite them.

And there seems to be this bizarre, somehow largely accepted idea that it is the creators job and responsibility to beseech their readers to ‘use caution’ and to ‘stay safe’, to ‘be mindful of their health’…

I am beyond confused here.

Since when??? did exercising the most basic form of common sense and acknowledging one’s personal yeas and nays, likes and limitations, become some other random stranger’s burden rather than one’s own? And especially a random person who tagged their work correctly??? Does no one remember how to harness their own powers of discernment and self-regulation???

This little jaunt back onto ao3 has been unlike any that I’ve ever experienced before. What. Happened?????? Who is this new, apparently severely emotionally unstable and obstinately tags-reading resistant audience everyone has come to focus on?

It all feels so out of touch. The basic concept of ao3 is for the reader to seek out what they want, not what they don’t want. And to actually read. But there seems to have been an extremely strong shift away from reading. On ao3. A site built specifically for reading and writing. (And other fandom artistic pursuits, but not my focus, atm; though I’m sure whatever this is has crept steadily into all spaces there.)

Plummeting reading comprehension must be somewhat to blame; the popularity of fanfic amongst younger and wider audiences, as well. But… young people have always been there, as far as my own experiences go, and it was never like this. It’s as if too many readers don’t know how to make good or even practical decisions for themselves anymore, that they’ve lost the skill of choosing, and now believe that they must consume everything that passes before them; — that they have, for some reason, adopted the belief that any turmoil or dislike or discomfort felt within themselves is harm purposely being done to them by the author.

Idk. Idk, idk, idk. It’s just such a bummer to see how much nervousness and distress has entered the community. Authors notes and comments used to be hilarious fun, or a peek into someone else’s real-life world, used to be casual and full of personality, whereas nowadays, there seems to be an underlying hesitancy and distrust, a sort of growing divide between writers and readers, groups which, until recently, very much were not mutually exclusive.

Idiots have been around forever. The more you cater to them, the more entitled they get. It's best to shut that shit down fast and use no warnings that indicate a willingness to entertain stupid complaints.

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ivesambrose · 4 months ago

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PAC : September 2024 Mini Messages

1. 2. 3.

And we're almost in fall 🍁

To book a personal reading with me DM or email me at [email protected]

Services Offered

Reviews

Thanks for the tip ✨

Picture 1

You'll be feeling the urge to socialize or reconnect with friends and loved ones this month. Likely even connect with new people that inspire you and reignite a spark within you. It seems like as you're headed for autumn you begin to experience your personal spring. There's a lot in your mind and heart and it's been repressed there for quite some time now because you haven't found the right means to express them or the people to express them to but this: shall change. I see you wanting to maintain more balance and diplomacy in your life this month instead of extremes. In a way you've told yourself, "Hey I've done enough push and pull, let me allow things to fall in place." A lot of you might focus on regulating your nervous system, some of you might be starting therapy or just being more attentive about your mental health. Some of you might collaborate or work with others especially if you're an artist or creator of any kind. I also see a select few coming out of hiding and gaining the confidence to put themselves out there. This month will also end on a joyful note for you. You'll also be pursuing something your heart feels really called to. You'll also feel cherished and cared for, this could be from a special someone or your friends and family or the community you're proud of. You'll feel a lot less alone, you never really were.

Picture 2

Leaving all that heartache behind. Bit by bit. Holding your life by the reigns by finding the courage within. There's no need to wait for anyone to help you through this, just begin. I know certain anguishes weigh rather heavily but it doesn't have to be a permanent resident there. A lot of you are planning on moving away from a present location that hasn't been bringing you peace you'l likely end up executing it before this year ends. Sometime around this month itself you'll find yourself feeling emotionally renewed. Opportunities coming up that you had been praying for since long but you feel nervous taking up because emotional fulfillment somehow feels scary to you. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Take the plunge because it'll lead to you feeling proud and successful of yourself. I also see a peak in finances or you saving up enough to afford something that makes you really happy. If you have pets you'll be spending more time with them or even consider adopting one. You'll start finding joy in the things you used to years back. Hold onto this feeling. For some reason the song, 'Innocence' by Avril Lavigne came through for this pile as well. If you resonate deeply with music, then this song definitely has a message for you.

Picture 3

A mental breakthrough. I see you being assertive and maybe even cut throat with your goals. I also see a lot of you disciplining your mind to the maximum. Correcting any negative thought and assumption. You'll also find yourself emerging victorious no matter what situation you're facing. There's a specific turn of events and fate for you. Fall overall is a significant time for this pile. I see you embracing joy diligently, making new friends and connections and making plans with your loved ones. You have chosen to let your inner child experience everything they have been forced to let go of. Do not dim your own light this month. You were meant to shine. You were meant to stand out. Some of you might also have a significant secret admirer as well. They see you as the break of dawn after a dark and solemn night and want to pretty much make you feel the same it seems. You'll find yourself wanting to relax more and allow things to come to you. Stressing and forcing on the other hand might lead to discord and feeling burnt out. It seems as though you had been fearing the worst but there has been a pleasant change of plans for you. You will be starting a new chapter in your life, you'll be rather stubborn about it too, brainstorming quite a bit, might encounter a few conflicts here and there but nothing good team work can't solve. This will eventually lead you to the version of you that you have in mind.

#free readings #tarot community #divination community #pick a card #pac #pick a picture #September tarotscopes #September pick a card

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kalki-tarot · 10 months ago

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What's next in this connection ? 💘

Take a few deep breathes, ground yourself and pick only one picture from any of the four above.

Disclaimer - kalki-tarot does not guarantee any tarot predictions to be accurate and is not responsible for any actions or decisions you make in your life on behalf of this reading.

Please allow me to tap into your energy !

Pile 01

queen of cups, two of cups, the magician

Both the parties involved in this connection will feel surreal and emotionally connected to each other on a higher level. The bond will deepen and strengthen over time, and this will result in both of you coming into a mutual decision of permanent commitment in the relationship.

You guys can be higher level soulmates. You were manifesting this commitment from a long period of time. This connection is also somehow connected to your sacred soul purpose in this lifetime and hence, it will bring you alignment and a sense of emotional fulfilment.

You are asked to not ignore any signs or synchronicites your guides and angels are blessing you with. Please cooperate with your spirit guides and higher self. Don't regulate from a space of the fear of getting rejected again. You will not! Give yourself time to process your emotions.

Pile 02

6 of pentacles, knight of cups, justice

I just heard "CHUP" in my left ear, which is a command to stay silent in hindi. Maybe you are asked to keep shut about about certain things in life. You need not explain everything to everybody, especially people who don't deserve an explanation from your side.

Okay! So some of you will finally receive a clarity or communication in a situationship or talking phase kind of relationship. Other than that, if you guys are feeling that you are not being reciprocated enough in a relationship then you will be faced with circumstances to not repeat this cycle of falling for karmic people. You will be forced to do justice with yourself in the upcoming 3 days. If you try to stay in the relationship then you will get hurt, obviously what do you expect from karmic people?

After you break this cycle of not accepting breadcrumbs, universe will give you a new romantic opportunity very soon!

Pile 03

The empress, king of pentacles, 5 of swords

Wow! Both the people in this connection are finally choosing to speak the truth. You both are trying to solve some kind of fight or disagreement which happened in the last 3 weeks for some of you. I'm seeing you both will solve this thing out and move towards abundance and clarity.

The good times in your relationship is gonna start now, you guys have realized the importance of each other through the period of separation. And now you will not repeat the same mistake again. Emotionally and financially, this relationship will work out very well for you. So don't be stressed much, just keep your ego aside and try to talk to your partner with a sense of understanding and love.

Pile 04

Three of swords, 2 of pentacles, the empress

Damn, i saw a vision just before pulling these cards here, i literally got goosebumps all over my hands and I saw a female (may or may not be) doing some sort of ritual or witchcraft to attract someone in their life. I saw candles, an altar, and pink shades. I also saw the book of answers, can be significant for some. Basically, someone is too desperate to get a crush or love interest into their life.

Sorry, but this is the truth. No matter how hard you try, this connection will not work out. Take what resonates please, I'm being honest, i don't lie while doing tarot. You both have very different ideologies and ways of living life. You guys are destined to walk on two different paths, not together.

So, it's better to not waste time over something which is not good for us, remember universe only gives us what is actually good for us. Try to focus more on your own self and finances rather than someone else whom we are not meant to be with.

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jasyred · 4 months ago

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"Are you okay?"

No don't touch me.

Don't touch me. Don't speak to me. Don't be near me. I am way too emotionally sensitive right now. I am trying in all the hardest ways possible to hold onto myself to keep my senses awake to not close them off to not shut down because I am absolutely either feeling everything or just nothing. Even in this moment? I am pushing you away and yet I want to pull you close I want to talk and yet at the same time I don't want, what kind of strange paradox am I?

I am raging back and forth between I want to be with you to you deserve someone who isn't me. Because I absolutely hate the way I am and the way I was and what I did to you and everyone else. I am twenty one. I should know how to regulate my emotions. That's what you said. And you're right. You're absolutely right. I should have known better. But I'm trying I'm trying FOR FUCKS SAKE I'M TRYING. I am trying not to be a bother to anyone not to be the problem to anyone not to be the one who hurts everyone anymore. And I learn and learn and ask for forgiveness saying that I'll change I'll be better yet somehow THE GHOST OF MY FATHER HIS BLOOD IN MY VEINS COMES BACK AND HAUNTS ME THE MORE I FIND MYSELF DOING THINGS I NEVER WANTED TO AND APOLOGIZING BUT THEY ALWAYS FEELING LIKE I NEVER MEAN IT THE WAY MY FATHER NEVER MEANT IT.

But I mean it. I do....

I am trying to be kind to myself trying to accept myself trying trying trying yet all of it comes back to haunt me when everytime you flinch you turn away with your back on me remembering the hurt I gave you and I realise that I did this to you. I who claimed to love you did this to you and you lost a part of yourself because of me. And the fact I did that? Throws out all the acceptance I have for myself out of the window. Because I never imagined myself to do the hurting to others. I look at you and I look at him and I look at them, they would have never done it if they were me but I did. And I hate myself even more for that. I hate myself for being so pathetically human.

I never really realised I am a bad person until I met someone like you. Someone good. So forgive me if I put on a facade and try to show only the best and perfect bits of myself because that's what I am always surrounded with. Forgive me for being dumb and stupid but I'm really trying not to be. Forgive me if I am always harsh with myself and always holding back myself smiling and pretending everything is fine because I want to keep you. I want to be with you even if sometimes I am falling apart. Even when I get haunted by my past that I am still struggling to accept. Even when I see myself becoming what I never wanted to be and regretting not being what I'm supposed to be. I can't fill my own cup on my own but yours? I'll fill it to the brim. Maybe I'm the kind of lover who'll absolutely completely drain myself to keep you happy to be with you. The kind I'd go lengths to please.

Because honestly? I don't fucking know how to please myself. I don't fucking know how to go to lengths for myself. I tell myself I'll love me. And the second moment I'm absolutely disgusted by my entire being. I have only learnt how to please others but never myself. Only learnt how to care for others but never myself. So forgive me if I don't hold myself in high regard if I fail at one task I was supposed to be absolutely good at.

Even this outburst? Scares me. Scares me because I am so weak and vulnerable right now. I am absolutely breaking but I am scared that everything I say will be misinterpreted if I don't explain myself enough. AND I HATE BEING MISUNDERSTOOD. I AM NEVER OKAY WITH IT. SO PARDON ME WHEN I AM TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO YOU THAT OH HOW MUCH I REGRET MY LIFE CHOICES MY DECISIONS MY GUILT MY MISTAKES. HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF. BUT HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

How much I love you...

And that's why this will never reach to you. That's why you'll never know me because I am always masking a rotten piece of myself. Always hiding away. Because this isn't pretty love. None of me is pretty. Pretty as you. Pretty as her.

None of it my love. And I always wanna be pretty. Pretty for you pretty for everyone. Because nobody likes ugly. Whether it's a face. Or personality.

So pardon me when I break down in your absence and bloom everytime you come back.

You're the only thing that makes me, worth me.

#poetry #writing #literature #quotes #spilled ink #lit #quoted #vent post #aesthetic #art #dark academia #rant post #og post #og

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causeitsagame · 2 years ago

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UNTITLED ANGSTPROMPT THE FOURTH (OF FOUR)

(At some point, I will find a real title and put it up on AO3. Watch this space!)

My thought when posting the previous chapter: "I don't want to draw out a resolution too far, so I'll promise that there is only one more chapter to go." Me, finishing this chapter while upholding that intention and seeing it brush the 9k word mark: "Well,"

-----

Hajime didn't know what to do.

That wasn't supposed to be possible. He'd been warped and molded and repurposed into the world's Ultimate Goddamn Hope, and that Hope was supposed to have all the answers. But he didn't. He hadn't been able to stop the assault on Jabberwock, and the desperate sacrifice play there had been made by someone else.

Plus, he hadn't even known that particular sacrifice could happen. Talents could only be studied if they were demonstrated, and this wasn't the sort of thing that got shown off to Hope's Peak. And so now, Fuyuhiko was bruised and beaten and hollowed out, and Peko didn't know anything more about how those memories were lost, and Hajime didn't know what to do.

He leaned against the ship's railing and studied the water, unsure of what he was looking for.

Eventually, a voice spoke up. "Hajime?"

He glanced over his shoulder at Ryota. "Yeah?"

Ryota pointed to an insulated travel mug. "It's time for this, again. Do you want to…?" He was the one on the ship who wasn't taken much aback by Fuyuhiko not recognizing him, and he'd made fully half of the infirmary visits so far.

Hajime shook his head. Inside that mug was broth from a pot that Teruteru kept simmering. The calories were important; the warmth, more so. Due to injuries, malnutrition, and low weight, Mikan had diagnosed poikilothermia, or an inability to regulate body temperature. She planned to be in the infirmary constantly until it resolved, and that was a good enough excuse not to be there himself. "No. Thanks."

It probably made him a despicable coward, but he couldn't see Fuyuhiko's condition and know that he was responsible for it. He couldn't watch Fuyuhiko look at him like a total stranger and know that it was because Fuyuhiko had cared more about Hajime than about himself. If Hajime had an idea of what to do next, he'd face down all of that in service of getting it fixed… but he didn't know what to do.

Hajime shook his head again, and Ryota silently walked away.

Memories had been burnt away in torture's incinerator and he was the motivation behind it all. How was he supposed to handle that? Seriously, how in the hell was he supposed to manage his thoughts, his emotions? The gutpunch of nausea that gripped him every time his imagination wandered to the infirmary?

Memory loss aside, this wasn't like Izuru. Fuyuhiko hadn't been scoured away and turned into someone else. Logically, that was a huge relief; emotionally, it somehow made it worse. He was still totally him, voice and expressions and powerful personality. There wasn't anyone to identify and retrieve. He was Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu, the same as ever… but he just had absolutely no idea who Hajime was.

There were always more tasks to handle on the ship, but no one bothered Hajime as he looked over the edge. He stayed there staring over the water as the sun's reflections moved overhead, and then toward the west.

"Hajime?"

The voice behind him sent a spike of adrenaline rushing. "Is everything okay?"

Mikan nodded, seemingly without any emergency coming along with her. "He's doing better today, I think. But I just… I'm sorry, but I've been with him for twenty-two hours, now. Could you maybe—"

"Oh, God, sorry," Hajime interrupted as he caught up. Now that he bothered to pay attention to anything besides his own misery, he could notice the dark circles under Mikan's eyes and the way her fingertips trembled from exhaustion. He hadn't set foot in the infirmary since the last time she'd taken a sleeping break, and so he hadn't realized how long that'd been.

"No, I'm sorry!" she instantly countered, and held up one of her shaking hands. "I shouldn't need to sleep, but I just nearly dropped a—"

"I've got him," Hajime promised Mikan, and clutched that hand. "Go rest."

She nodded. "I'm only doing a few hours at a time, so I'll be back soon!"

"That's…" Sighing, Hajime let her go. It was probably no use ordering her to look after herself with more than a nap here and there. Well. Time to check on Fuyuhiko.

Peko was waiting outside the infirmary door, and looked as tired as Mikan but far more composed. "You did come," she said with mild surprise.

That hadn't been judgment, but it sure felt like it. "Yeah. Sorry." Hajime ran a hand across his face. "It's just been hard."

"I can only imagine," Peko agreed, with what sounded like real sympathy.

"You look like you could use some sleep, too. I'll be here, if you want to go."

Peko hesitated, but nodded gratefully and stepped away. She turned to look over her shoulder as she left, like she was verifying that Hajime would actually manage to set foot inside the infirmary.

He did so before he could lose his nerve, and was relieved to see Fuyuhiko sleeping. Good. No conversation, no lack of recognition.

First, Hajime reached for a thermometer and aimed it at Fuyuhiko's forehead. Cooler than he should be, so it was no wonder his fists were clenched around a blanket that couldn't keep him warm enough. Hajime reached over and tapped a message window, calling for more hot broth from the galley.

Fuyuhiko was watching him when he turned back.

Hajime jolted, and took a step away before he could help himself.

"So," Fuyuhiko said wryly, and tilted his head toward where his chart hung on the wall. "The guy responsible for all of that." To Mikan's dismay, she'd run out of room when she started listing his injuries. She'd needed to add multiple pages.

Swallowing, Hajime said in a thick, heavy voice, "Yeah. Guess so."

"You never told me why I apparently gave so much of a shit about you. And neither will anyone else." What good humor was in Fuyuhiko's expression flattened into nothing. "You'd think I could get a simple question answered, after everything."

"We…" Hajime looked away. "I'm your best friend." That was the simplest answer.

"Bullshit. I don't have friends."

"Yeah. That's what you told me." It was easier to talk if he didn't meet Fuyuhiko's gaze, and so Hajime kept his attention on the wild landscape beyond the portholes. "But after everything, we were friends. And you realized Peko was actually your friend, too, outside of the clan. And there are other friends here, too. We all care about you."

"'After everything?' After what 'everything?'" Annoyed, Fuyuhiko snapped, "Mind looking at me when I'm talking to you?"

Miserable, Hajime turned back toward Fuyuhiko and the nearly countless injuries he'd taken for Hajime's sake. "After getting away from the… the bad things that you remember. We're all together after that, and we're your friends."

"And you're my 'best friend.'"

"Yeah."

"Who I did this for." Fuyuhiko lifted a forearm, showing off what remained of intricate tattoos. They were marred by a twisted burn scar and jagged, mismatched lines where some deep cuts hadn't healed together in proper alignment.

Hajime closed his eyes and inhaled a shaky breath. "I tried to stop you. You wouldn't listen to me."

"Must've been a reason for it, beyond you being my 'best friend.'" The words came out twisted, mocking. "Why'd I do it?"

"You shouldn't have," Hajime said morosely. "I'm not worth what you went through."

"Not worth it? What, I acted like an idiot when I signed up for this? You're saying that I fucked up?"

Hajime clenched his jaw and didn't respond. He didn't know what to say and every word was just making things worse. The two of them had talked so easily to each other that he didn't know how to handle this reset.

"So," Fuyuhiko said, still with the mocking tone he'd used on Hajime. He looked expectantly toward the new arrival waiting with his latest broth delivery. "Are you one of my best friends, too?"

Hajime turned to the door and winced. Of all people to have gotten that message he'd sent.

Mahiru paused, then said in measured tones, "I wouldn't use that term, no." She stepped into the infirmary and presented Fuyuhiko with his latest meal.

He didn't take the offered mug. "Huh. You're the first person who's had any sort of problem with me," Fuyuhiko noted with genuine curiosity. "Everyone's just been shoveling bullshit to keep me happy. So, what's your deal? What'd you do?"

"What did I do?" Mahiru repeated, uncertain.

"When we were all… y'know."

"Ah. Right." Mahiru set the mug down next to him when he refused to take it. "Propaganda, basically."

"Makes sense. You're…" Fuyuhiko squinted at her, then looked abruptly pleased as his scrambled mind put something into order. "Photography, right? Koizumi?"

She brightened. "Oh! You do remember things. It sounded like you'd forgotten everything, but I guess not. That's great!"

Hajime looked miserably at the floor and said nothing.

"Great?" Fuyuhiko echoed. "I thought you didn't give a shit."

Mahiru perched on the edge of a nearby counter. "We… didn't get along for a long time, but by now, we do. We'll never be each other's first choice to spend time with, but we're honestly fine."

"Fair enough." Fuyuhiko considered her, then asked with a wicked grin, "What happened? You sound like you're dancing around land mines."

Uneasy, Mahiru darted her gaze toward Hajime. "Does he know?" she asked in a strained whisper.

"No, I don't think so," Hajime whispered back. "Probably needed to forget about the whole process."

"What are you two whispering about?" Fuyuhiko demanded.

Mahiru inhaled. "Okay. You're going to find this out, so let me just tell you. To stop being those awful people, we went through a virtual reality simulation. But it went wrong and people started killing each other."

"Virtual," Fuyuhiko repeated without any gravity, clearly picturing some sort of small-scale experience. "So, what, you killed me?"

Mahiru blinked at him hard, then scowled.

Unconcerned, Fuyuhiko corrected to, "Or I killed you?"

"You were going to," Mahiru admitted. "But Peko stepped in."

"Well. Makes sense." Fuyuhiko grinned more broadly and honestly than a face that injured should be able to. "Guess that explains why we're not each other's favorite people, huh?"

Mahiru couldn't help but laugh a bit. "Well, obviously. Anyway, drink your broth. You're supposed to have it while it's hot."

Still smirking at her, Fuyuhiko reached for the insulated mug and lifted it like he was making a toast, then took a drink. She apparently took that as both thanks and farewell, and left the infirmary with light steps.

Hajime stared after her. Fuyuhiko was getting along better with Mahiru than him? Mahiru?! What the hell was going on?

"I'll get some more sleep," Fuyuhiko announced when he'd finished. "So you can stop looking ready to shit yourself."

Hajime could argue with that assessment, but he wouldn't make a very good job of it. With fresh sighs, he stared out the porthole until Fuyuhiko had fallen asleep, then waited aimlessly for Mikan's return.

Days passed like that.

Fuyuhiko's purple bruises faded to green and yellow. Thinner cuts disappeared into barely-there scars, while deeper gouges healed under Mikan's stitches. The hollows under his eyes and cheekbones didn't look quite as cavernous, and he finally managed to sleep through the night without waking up shivering. But he never recognized Hajime.

Hajime Hinata did have a talent that Hope's Peak had never cared about, and that was caring about people. But he wasn't allowed to use it, now. Izuru Kamukura had every talent on the planet. But none of them were any good, here.

He couldn't take this any more, Hajime told himself as he stared at nothing. Fuyuhiko had graduated to actual food, but with the scope of his lingering injuries, he still stayed in the infirmary. That meant that he yet needed to be brought his meals, and once Mahiru had held a successful conversation with him, everyone else was willing to try.

"You lied to me!" Kazuichi insisted. He was next to Fuyuhiko while Hajime stood just outside the door, but voices carried.

Fuyuhiko shrugged and slid a spoon into the thick, hearty stew he'd been handed. "Probably, yeah."

Kazuichi gasped, betrayed.

"You're easy to fool and you panic in a crisis," Fuyuhiko continued. "I remember that much. And you want to believe in people."

Though Kazuichi's offense deepened with the first two additions, the last one softened his outrage. "Well, yeah. I didn't know how you were going to get out of it, but when you said you had a plan to save everyone, I believed you. One hundred percent."

Fuyuhiko smirked. "As expected."

"Jerk," Kazuichi snorted, but the easy back-and-forth had him happier than he'd been ever since they saw the invading forces on the radar. "Hey, so, what else do you remember about me?"

Fuyuhiko made Kazuichi wait until he'd chewed and swallowed a mouthful. "That's a pretty damn big ask. Narrow the scope a little."

"Okay." Kazuichi screwed up his face in thought. "What's the first thing you remember about me after we woke up?"

"Woke up?" Fuyuhiko echoed.

"On the island."

He shrugged. "I got rid of all of that. People have told me there was a program, but I must've thought it was too risky to know about."

"Oh." Dismayed, Kazuichi considered, then tried again. "Uh, okay… what about when I showed up to class in a suit?"

Staring at him for a long, considering moment, Fuyuhiko abruptly laughed. "Fuck, you looked ridiculous. To 'impress Miss Sonia,' right?"

Kazuichi grinned, delighted. "I saw you go off to handle some family business, and you looked a lot cooler than in your uniform. I thought maybe it'd work for me, too."

"It didn't," Fuyuhiko said, then rolled his gaze thoughtfully upward. "Heh. Guess there's more in there than I thought. Even if it's nothing that really matters."

"No, this matters. It matters like you wouldn't believe!" Cheerfully, Kazuichi clapped him on the shoulder. "I'll let you eat, all right?"

"Finally," Fuyuhiko agreed, but with no real rancor.

Still in bright spirits, Kazuichi moved for the door, only to process that Hajime had been listening in with an increasingly gutted expression. "Uh. Sorry, man," he whispered, and hurried down the corridor.

Well. The good news was that Fuyuhiko was feeling better. His pain tolerance was beyond description, but that didn't mean he enjoyed it. Now that he was on the mend, and his pain steadily ebbed and his body again functioned like it should, his overall mood had followed suit. That'd opened him up to bits of nostalgic connection with the people brave enough to try it.

The bad news, Hajime thought as stepped away to let Fuyuhiko eat in privacy, was exactly the same as ever. To Fuyuhiko, Hajime was still as much of a blank void as what he'd been turned into during the Kamukura Project.

Had Mahiru really been the one to set this off? She'd practically skipped into the mess hall and announced that Fuyuhiko had remembered specifics about her, and that sent a jolt of optimism across the entire group. Which made sense. It was logical. But it still just seemed so odd that she—of all people—had been the first ray of real hope for Fuyuhiko.

Of course, Fuyuhiko had clearly appreciated that Mahiru had been the first 'stranger' to be honest with him about any darker topics. Maybe there was a lesson in that. Hajime waited, and considered, and eventually decided. He steeled his nerves and walked into the infirmary. Without preamble, he asked, "So. You really want to know why you did this for me?"

Fuyuhiko blinked. "Obviously," he said and set aside his empty bowl. Finally, he looked interested in something that Hajime had to say.

How to approach this? "When we were at Hope's Peak," Hajime slowly began, and took a chair near Fuyuhiko, "I got experimented on."

"Experimented?" Fuyuhiko repeated. His brow furrowed. "How?"

"They wanted me to be able to do more things," Hajime summarized, neither wanting to get bogged down in the details nor to relive his own horrors by doing so. "It involved a lot of surgery and some… other stuff."

Fuyuhiko's gaze grew increasingly curious as he studied the scars running across Hajime's forehead. "'Do more things?' What can you do, then?"

"Anything." Fuyuhiko's curiosity and good mood vanished at the seemingly flippant reply, and Hajime insisted, "Seriously, anything. That was the point of the project. Medicine, combat, languages… anything. And they did some physical development work to support all of those talents, too."

Fuyuhiko waited with obvious incredulity, but did look impressed when Hajime reached for a small dentist's mirror and bent its metal handle as easily as if it'd been a plastic straw. "Well, shit. Looks handy."

"Yeah. In theory, I could even try to fix your memories." Fuyuhiko also looked interested in that, but Hajime shook his head. He'd seen an answer to that question very quickly, but it had come with the simultaneous, gutting realization that there was no possible way to get access to what he'd need. And so, it hadn't really been an answer at all. "I can't actually do that," he clarified. "Ten different navies would be on us before we docked the ship."

Disappointed, but not surprised, Fuyuhiko shrugged. I knew what I was in for, the gesture seemed to say.

Hajime hesitated before continuing, trying to straighten out the mirror's handle as he did. His voice was quiet when he did speak. "There were side effects, too. Some… some really bad ones. But the school didn't care what happened. I was just their lab rat."

Silence answered him, hanging painfully heavy. A good ten seconds ticked by on the infirmary's clock. After that pause, Fuyuhiko concluded, "And they probably want their lab rat back."

Hajime looked at the floor and nodded.

"So… this isn't a one-time thing, then," Fuyuhiko slowly continued. "They'll always want to get ahold of you."

Hajime hesitated, then nodded. "Yeah."

"Then I'm going to have to do this again."

The words stabbed terror through his heart. "Never," Hajime instantly spat. After a deep breath, he strove for humor, but only sounded agonized as he forced words through his tight throat. "I mean, you don't care about me, right? No need to do anything for me again."

Fuyuhiko's gaze darkened. "If I think something's worth doing, I stick to it. Even if I don't remember why now, I must have had my reasons then."

Fuck it all, why was he so kneejerk stubborn? "They are never, ever getting their hands on you again. I won't let it happen."

"You won't let? I don't take orders from you." Dark memory filled Fuyuhiko's gaze, and he muttered, "I remember being in charge. I was giving the orders. If this is what I decided I need to do…"

The thought of Fuyuhiko getting captured again filled Hajime with panic; the thought of him willingly walking back into hell had him practically delirious with it. "Well, you're not getting past every single person on this ship. We're not letting you throw yourself away again!" By the end, Hajime stood and was nearly shouting.

Instantly obstinate, Fuyuhiko leaned forward, uncaring of the fragile figure he still struck in the hospital bed. "I'd like to see them try and stop me."

A disbelieving laugh broke free. "Oh yeah? Look at you!" Hajime cried before he could help it, and gestured to the mess two months of torture had made of Fuyuhiko. "Say you could actually get past us. You think you could really head back for more?" Even as he said the words, he knew they were a critically wrong move.

Fury sparked behind Fuyuhiko's eye. "What, you think I can't take it?"

"Will you just—"

"Fuck off! From what I've heard from everyone, I'm who saved their asses last time, not you! Me, not some superpowered lab rat!"

Electricity seemed to run down his spine, and words poured out of Hajime before he could stop them. "You know what, Fuyuhiko? No. No, you can't take another round of this. You barely survived this one."

"Don't tell me what I can't do."

"Lose even another couple of kilos again, and you will fall back into poikilothermia and die in a torture chamber. It's not a question." Hajime leaned forward and propped his weight on the side of Fuyuhiko's bed. "You are not taking the bullet for me again. Because—listen carefully—you. Can't. Do. This."

As expected, nothing filled Fuyuhiko with fury like the implication of weakness. This was far from weakness, but was the simple limit of how much any human could take. Even so, it landed as terribly as he knew it would, but Hajime just hadn't been able to stop the words from pouring out. Spending this long mired in misery and guilt had worn away his defenses; hearing that Fuyuhiko was already planning for more torture and certain death lit a fuse.

"Get out," Fuyuhiko spat, looking ready to lunge out of his hospital bed with his hands aimed for Hajime's throat. "And don't let me see your face again."

"Heard that one before," Hajime said tiredly, and walked for the door. Once there, he turned. "You're not going to throw your life away for someone you clearly don't give one single shit about."

"This has nothing to do with you. This is about me and what I decided to do. Now: get out."

Hajime managed to round two corners before the first ragged sob ripped free. He leaned against a wall and wiped away hot, angry tears with a rough swipe of his wrist. Shit. Goddammit.

Trying to be honest with Fuyuhiko had been one bad fucking move.

Soon, he found himself doing engine repairs three months ahead of schedule, just so he'd have something to focus on. His hands stayed busy, his mind stayed quiet, and his heart hid in a corner and didn't dare to speak up. It worked for hours of distraction, but eventually, the dinner chime sounded. He didn't want people to come looking for him, and so Hajime tiredly headed to the mess hall. He'd sit by himself.

Everyone was there, save Fuyuhiko. Nearly all of the people who made up Hajime's world were right here in this one room. It was a dozen different shades of 'loud,' from laughter to arguments to excitement. Looking at them, no one would think the group had been chased from their home mere months earlier.

They probably want their lab rat back.

But they had been chased off Jabberwock, and they'd barely made it out alive. Because Hajime hadn't kept any of these people safe, despite being the military's biggest target.

They probably want their lab rat back.

He'd let that happen to Fuyuhiko.

They probably want their lab rat back.

The soldiers were going to keep coming.

Through dull eyes, Hajime looked around the room and imagined bullets ripping through skulls. The men targeting them planned to kill everyone besides himself, Sonia, and Fuyuhiko, right? And the other two would face torture until their knowledge was wrung dry. (…More torture.)

And what did they have to face those entire military fleets when they did inevitably come? Not a full island chain with its own defensive capabilities, like they'd used last time. No: now they had a ship, singular, and one helicopter. They'd failed before, and now their situation was even worse.

Hajime was pretty sure that he could single-handedly take over another vessel, if it came to that. But he'd need the opportunity to do so. If a battleship or submarine sent a torpedo at them from a kilometer away, he'd never get that chance.

If soldiers came for him again, all of these people would die or end up in torture chambers. Hajime wouldn't be able to stop it. And so, once again, he didn't know what to do.

At the end of his fatalistic survey across the room, Hajime's attention lingered on someone. Memories whispered, almost too softly to hear at first, until he really listened to what they said. His expression shifted slowly, from misery to uncertainty to realization.

Oh. Oh. Of course. He should have seen this sooner.

Nagito only looked up after the lightbulb had gone off. He blinked in confusion over Hajime blatantly staring at him, and gestured to himself like he expected a question to be asked. Hajime shook his head once. No need to ask a question; Nagito had already given him an answer.

Yes. Right.

That had been the answer, all along.

He just hadn't wanted to admit what was being asked of him.

At the end of his brief dinner, Hajime stood and walked over to another table. "I'm taking the chopper," he whispered to the Imposter. "I'll be back later."

That earned a confused blink. "What's happening? Do you need a co-pilot?"

"No. It'll be quick, I'll be back by morning. I just didn't want you to wonder where it was."

"All right." The answer was uncertain, but Hajime didn't bother offering reassurance or clarification as he walked off. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Nagito hurry over to talk to the Imposter. "The helicopter?" Nagito repeated with surprise, and Hajime sped his pace. He didn't want to deal with any sort of explanation.

Soon, the helicopter lifted smoothly off its landing pad under his controls. He tilted it toward the southeast, and as he circled around, noticed that he was being observed by a white head of hair dyed the colors of sunset. Hajime returned his attention to the sky and flew onward.

Two hours later, he descended toward a pitch-black expanse carved out of another forest. There were many such abandoned military bases around the world, and with a global power shortage, they weren't bothering to keep the lights on. Many of the supplies here had been carried off, but not all; they'd gotten the helicopter he was flying from this same base, along with enough replacement parts to last them a decade.

Using only moonlight and starlight, Hajime located a runway and used it as a landing pad. As he hopped out of the craft and to the ground, he hoped that the Canadian forces hadn't carried off what he needed as they pulled back to defend Vancouver.

Cracks ran across the tarmac, and weeds pushed through. Once, this had been a world-class facility for world-class soldiers, but so much had been abandoned when half the world fell. Those soldiers were now after him, Hajime reminded himself. They were after his friends. And they had hurt one friend in ways that he couldn't even describe.

Steeling his resolve, Hajime hurried through the crisp, chill darkness in search of a way to stop all of those soldiers from ever getting a second chance. His light, precise footsteps echoed across the sprawling pavement and between the concrete buildings. Only the soft cries of nearby owls interrupted him. This once-bustling base was silent, now, and the natural world was beginning to reclaim what humanity had abandoned.

Aha, Hajime saw as he trailed heavy cables across the ground and found the control box that collected them. It was attached to a concrete block of a building, unlabeled and unremarkable. Here it was. Not bothering with niceties, he kicked at the door like he was trying to drive in someone's chest, and proceeded inside when it wrenched off its hinges.

Relief soon swept him. Yes. They'd left behind exactly what he needed.

With the assistance of a few spare duffel bags, Hajime began scooping up every piece of abandoned telecommunications equipment left in this control room. Their group had been using that slow, secretive frequency, but it was time to take a different approach. Trying to duck down and hide in the shadows, as they'd been doing, could only protect them for so long. Hajime refused to be the prey again, left to be tracked and discovered.

As he exited the building, a gust of wind whipped past and caught a tattered flag left on its pole. Red and white. For a moment, Hajime was back walking through the ruins of military bases with a red sun flying over them, rather than a maple leaf. Those were the soldiers most desperate to find him. Although they had allies around the world who also sought the Remnants, it was Japanese forces who'd led the assault on Jabberwock and captured Fuyuhiko.

They'd regret that.

Confident that he'd found all that he needed, Hajime loaded the duffel bags into the helicopter, refueled, and set back off for their hiding place near the Alaskan Panhandle. There were still hours of darkness left when he landed. He should sleep, first, to make sure he had a clear head. He was trying to change the world, after all.

Well into morning, his efforts were going well. Hajime had taken over the control cabin of the ship, as he needed access to some of its systems. His in-progress work with the military electronics he'd raided already covered half the room.

"Hajime?" Nagito asked as he stepped into the control room.

He didn't look up from his work. "Yeah?"

"What are you doing?"

Still studying the electronics in front of him, Hajime smiled. It might be a dark, unbalanced expression. Nagito's behavior inside the simulation had served as his inspiration, after all. "You'd probably say something about 'creating hope.'"

Silence. Then, "Whose hope?"

That earned another smile. "Good question." Nagito didn't say anything else, but neither did he leave. Eventually, Hajime continued, "Nagito. I want to ask you something. About the Funhouse. When you learned the truth about us, what ran through your head?"

Those soldiers on Jabberwock had come hunting for Hajime, and they didn't care who they'd hurt in the process. No, that wasn't right: they'd come hunting for Hajime, and they would gleefully slaughter most of his friends if they got the chance. Those who they didn't slaughter, they'd torture.

And not just torture, Hajime knew as he thought about what was left of Fuyuhiko, but destroy. Utterly. The so-called good guys would rip out everything that made up the people he cared about. Those men who'd come for Hajime and the men who'd done this to Fuyuhiko could make zero claim at being on the side of good, despite all claims to the contrary.

Nagito's concern deepened at the seeming non sequitur, but he still didn't try to pull Hajime away from whatever he was working on. After that long pause, he answered, "I had to stop everyone. Before you hurt anyone else."

"Right. Exactly." Hajime reached for a wire and stripped its coating. "You asked whose hope I'm creating, so: our hope. I apparently have to pick, and so I pick our hope." He'd might have been created as the world's hope, but his world had been reduced to the people on this ship.

There was another long pause from the man at the door. Hajime wondered if Nagito would demand to know exactly what he was planning, or would spout off more speeches about how the entire world's hope rested in his hands. But no. After that aching pause, Nagito simply murmured, "I understand" and turned, closing the door behind him.

Hajime nodded and leaned back in to his work.

It took him eight days, and he barely left the room until he was done. Fuyuhiko was probably relieved about that.

At the end of those eight days, when Hajime was sure that his plan would work, he walked to the infirmary and was surprised to find it empty. A quick check of the roster told him that Fuyuhiko had moved to a normal room, right next to Peko's, and Hajime headed there with purpose. Even if Fuyuhiko connected with every other person on this ship better than with Hajime, it was doubtful he'd willingly spend much time socializing.

As expected, the door opened, and the face behind it wasn't happy. "Well," Fuyuhiko said shortly, and studied him. He looked much healthier than before; once he'd made it through the worst stretch, he'd apparently improved rapidly. A thick sweater appeared to be enough to keep him warm. "You listened to me for a week, at least."

Right. Fuyuhiko didn't want to see his face again. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing something for you on deck as soon as it gets dark," Hajime levelly said. "You don't have to come. But if you look through the porthole and wonder what you're seeing, you'll know what's up."

Fuyuhiko blinked. "Huh? The hell's that supposed to mean?"

"Don't worry about it."

"If you're doing something for me," Fuyuhiko snapped, "without my permission, then I'm gonna fuckin' worry!"

"So, we're talking about asking the other person's permission, now?" Hajime said, and didn't try to soften how pointed the words were. "Anyway. You can come if you want, or not." He turned and left without further explanation, leaving Fuyuhiko blinking behind him.

Even if Fuyuhiko hated him, and even if he never wanted to see Hajime again, Hajime was his best friend. He was going to take care of Fuyuhiko and stop what had happened from ever, ever repeating.

Whether Fuyuhiko wanted him to or not.

And he was going to protect everyone else, too, Hajime calmly told himself as they joined him on the deck. Those soldiers never should have been able to sneak up on them, and the local radar never should had been the first warning sign they had. If he'd protected his friends to begin with, none of this would have happened.

Confusion ran wild. All everyone knew was that Hajime was working on something supposedly important, with components taken from a military base, but there were no weapons to be seen. He didn't look aggressive, either; if anything, he looked eerily calm as he stared up at the sky.

"Mind clueing us in?" Akane demanded, hugging herself tightly. She treated the cold as an opponent, and she always hated to admit defeat. At least she'd relented into putting on a pair of sweatpants, but she still refused to wear a coat.

Hajime smiled slightly at the sight, and of everything he knew of her. He'd protect her, too, like he'd failed to do on Jabberwock.

"Seriously," Hiyoko complained. She too had resisted dressing for the increasingly cold weather, but she'd finally given in at the first dusting of snow. As Mahiru leaned over to pull her in to a warmth-sharing hug, Hiyoko wondered, "What have you even been doing, anyway? Did your big fight with Fuyuhiko make you turn tail and hide for that long?"

It probably wasn't a surprise that secrets spread quickly within tight quarters. "Simple," Hajime said, and looked back up at the night sky. "I'm doing what I should have done before all of this happened in the first place: protecting everyone."

"How?" Kazuichi asked, audibly nervous. "Didn't you go to, uh…"

"A military base?" Nagito concluded. He wasn't outright nervous like Kazuichi, of course, but even he sounded at least apprehensive about Hajime's uncharacteristic behavior and whatever he'd left him to do in that room. Nagito sounding even mildly concerned about something managed to unnerve Ryota and Teruteru, too.

"Yes."

Hajime's blunt answer did nothing to soothe their nerves, and the group looked between themselves.

Sonia gathered her courage and stepped forward. "Hajime, when the five of us chose to shut down the program, we did so for the safety of the world. You musn't—" Her voice faltered when his attention turned toward her.

Hajime could only imagine what his expression looked like, right now. Those soldiers had come in search of Izuru Kamukura. After what they'd done to the people he cared about, they'd found him.

She collected her courage and tried again. "You mustn't hurt anyone, Hajime."

"I'm not going to hurt anyone," he said like it was self-evident. That lack of trust should have hurt, but he distantly realized that his voice had indeed gone flat, all its emotional affectation falling away. It had been a very, very long stretch of months. Feelings had failed him over and over again as they went on, and now, he just needed to fix these problems before they could happen again.

"Then what the hell are you doing?"

The voice sliced through Hajime's disaffected thoughts, and he blinked with surprise. Fuyuhiko stood near the stairs, ready to return below deck in an instant, but he was there.

"Sorry, Fuyuhiko," Hajime said as all of those squelched emotions rushed back into him like surging floodwaters, and he flexed his hand around the small controller it held. "I know you said you didn't want me making this decision for you. Well. I'm gonna."

"Huh?" Fuyuhiko asked, too confused to be angry.

Turning back to the sky, Hajime inhaled.

He was about to end the world.

Again.

Before he could talk himself out of this, his thumb clicked the button to confirm the algorithm he'd spent a week building. Humanity's greatest genius had used a modified satellite phone taken from the Canadian base to hack into every government and military system left in this broken world, and slithered into their cracks and shadows. After that, he'd started calculating angles and vectors and control mechanisms. And now, he'd just put all of those controls into effect.

There was a full minute of wary silence as they waited for anything to happen, finally broken by Nagito wondering, "Hajime… what did you do?"

"I'm not hurting anyone," he calmly repeated. "I'm just going to stop them before they hurt anyone else."

Nagito still looked unsettled, especially at the echo of his own words, but said nothing more.

As Hajime looked up at the sky and waited, his breath suddenly caught as he realized Fuyuhiko had walked up next to him. Though his tight expression demanded answers, Hajime could only say, "I owe you this."

"Owe me what, exact… ly…" Fuyuhiko's question trailed off into nothing as a spectacular streak of light burned across the sky.

A few people gasped. Realizing what they must be thinking, Hajime said, "It's not a missile. Don't worry. But keep watching."

Another streak of light blazed overhead, then a third. And then, suddenly, it became a waterfall of shining, gleaming color tearing apart the night sky. A meteor shower like the Perseids might see a hundred so-called falling stars in an hour. This was thousands of points of light, in minutes.

It was beautiful. Even though he'd known what was about to happen, Hajime couldn't help but stare up in awe at the choir of light singing an intricate melody overhead. Runs, chords, arpeggios; the glimmering lines wrote out a song that had never been seen in the history of the world, and would never be seen again.

"What did you do?" Fuyuhiko asked in an amazed whisper as he stared up at the glorious show above.

"I owe you this," Hajime repeated, also in a whisper, then stayed silent until calm, dark night finally returned.

A few final streaks of light followed their brethren down to earth. Only when they were sure that no more would follow did everyone turn to Hajime. Every last face demanded answers.

For it, he held up his hand to show off the small controller held in his palm.

"They had… that at the military base?" Kazuichi asked weakly.

"No." Hajime smiled as genuine relief swept him, like he hadn't felt for a very long time. "It just set off my algorithm."

"Which did what?" Peko prompted.

"Directed ninety-three percent of all functioning satellites out of orbit. And I now control the other seven percent."

That took a moment to sink in, then earned a collective gasp. "Those were satellites?" Mahiru demanded. "Like, television and internet and phone satellites?"

Hajime looked back up at a now-empty sky. "Like spy satellites. Like military targeting and attack satellites. They're never going to find any of you again. And with the ones I kept, I'll know if they even make an attempt. It'll be impossible to take us by surprise, ever again."

Overwhelmed, Sonia clutched her forehead. "Every telecommunications network around the world just collapsed." Gundham stared at Hajime like he'd wielded some dark magical powers to put on that spectacular display.

"Not every one," Hajime calmly countered. "Land-based towers will still work fine, and there are plenty of those. And I spent the last four days making sure that no satellites would angle toward populated areas, just in case they didn't burn up. No one was hurt. Which is a lot more than those soldiers can say.

"I didn't hurt anyone," he repeated in the silence. "But… I realized that I had to decide who I'm protecting, actively. And I picked you."

Aware of the stunned figure still standing at his side, Hajime quietly repeated, "I picked you. You won't have to do it again. And I'll stop talking to you, now."

Fuyuhiko's eye opened as wide as Hajime had ever seen it, and he looked up to stare again at the heavens that had been ripped down to keep him safe.

"All right. That's it." Hajime smiled. "Show's over. If we want, we could set sail tomorrow. They're never going to find us again."

He didn't know whether to expect it or not, but a knock came on his cabin door an hour later. When Hajime opened it, Fuyuhiko met his gaze for only a couple of seconds before studying the floor between them. "What in the hell was… I didn't ask for that."

"I know. But I owed you that much, Fuyuhiko. If I had done what I was capable of early enough, then you wouldn't have been forced into doing what you were capable of. I screwed up, so now I fixed it."

"When they figure out what happened, you're just going to be even more of a target," Fuyuhiko muttered. "Biggest bad guy on the planet."

He shrugged, smiling lopsidedly. "Already am, right?"

Fuyuhiko snorted slightly, but admitted, "Who… made his project take twice as long, so that he wouldn't hurt people. I would've just figured that everything would burn up."

"None of us want to hurt people," Hajime agreed, and instinctively raised his hand toward the fresh, deeper scar that had been carved across Fuyuhiko's bad eye. He caught himself halfway there and lowered his hand. "But the 'good guys' apparently can't say the same. So I picked us. And I don't regret it. They won't be able to see or hear us well enough to find us, any more, and so you'll never have to do that again."

For once, the silence between them seemed comfortable, like it had been before, when they could sit in each other's presence and not feel the immediate need to fill the quiet. In that quiet, Hajime was finally able to think of the right thing to say. "Don't think of this as coming from a friend. We apparently can't be that, any more. But I owed you a debt, and I needed to repay it."

Fuyuhiko studied him, clearly aware that Hajime had deliberately chosen language from Fuyuhiko's world, and seemed to consider him anew. Maybe, just maybe, they did understand each other, despite all this time seeming to say otherwise. "Hey. Lab rat."

"Don't call me that," Hajime instantly countered.

Not bothering to apologize, Fuyuhiko continued, "So, you just took out every way for militaries to track us, right? Plan offensive maneuvers? Organize their fleets?" After getting a nod at each question, he slowly finished, "Then… didn't you say you'd thought of something that might fix my memories, if only you could get past the military?"

Everything went still, and Hajime's eyes opened wide as he realized what he'd accidentally done as part of his plan.

"I just…" Troubled, Fuyuhiko tried a few times to finish his thoughts. "What you did up there tonight, I…" He shifted his weight. "I guess you finally made me curious about caring that damn much."

Hajime gripped his hand before he could help it. "Okay. Before we sail back there, I need to know if they would have gone back to look inside a specific building. I don't think you do, but do you know anything about something called the Neo World Program? Anything at all?"

Fuyuhiko blinked back at him with a total lack of recognition. "That's a dumbass name."

With a crow of delighted laughter over the confirmation that Fuyuhiko had never told them a thing, Hajime unthinkingly drew him into a hug.

"Get off me!" Fuyuhiko spat, his good mood gone.

"Sorry," Hajime chuckled, and stepped away. "Sorry. Force of habit."

"If you try to act like a friend who hugs me," Fuyuhiko muttered, "I'm gonna change my mind about this."

Hajime held up his hands. "Right. No hugs. Sorry."

"Okay. Glad we've gotten that straightened out." Fuyuhiko cleared his throat. "We're not friends. You've just got me curious. That's it."

"Absolutely," Hajime agreed. "That's it."

"Well. Okay. Right." Fuyuhiko hesitated a moment longer, then turned and walked off without a good-bye.

Hajime watched him leave, then turned and flat-out ran the other direction, toward the stairs. It was time to weigh anchor, and he'd figure out the safest path back toward Jabberwock once they were in motion. That would be easy enough; they still had access to all remaining navigational and spy satellites, after all, while every single one of their enemies had just been thrown back into navigating by compass and map.

Eighteen days later, they were back.

Everyone looked wistfully at the familiar beaches and palm trees. Even if they'd blinded the world's militaries, it was too dangerous to stay permanently in this known location. They could make return trips to strip the islands of what supplies they had to offer, but this wasn't home, any more.

"Come on," Hajime said, and gestured to the dock. "In there."

Fuyuhiko looked warily toward the central administration building; familiar to Hajime, but an unknown location to him. "What are we doing, exactly? You said this is where that virtual game thing happened, but I'm not doing that again, am I?"

He shook his head as they set into motion. "No. In a worst-case scenario, I can look for the same memory files that were generated when the simulation ran before. That wouldn't be… ideal, since it'd have some holes and nothing past when we woke up, but it'd be better than now." And Fuyuhiko would be balanced on the edge of Ultimate Despair, again, but they could all pull him off the ledge in the right direction.

"Okay," Fuyuhiko said, clearly troubled, but making the active decision to trust Hajime. "What's the best-case scenario, then? How would you get the memories back, otherwise?"

"I don't think they're actually gone," Hajime theorized.

That earned a dark look. "I'm pretty damn sure I knew what I was doing, there."

"You absolutely cannot reach those memories," Hajime quickly agreed. "Which kept those guys from being able to, either. But, it's like… imagine two buildings with a road between them. When you told me about what you did, I realized that I don't think you blew up the buildings. They're still there. I think you just blew up the road, so there's no way to access them."

"Okay," Fuyuhiko said uncertainly. "What's the difference, then, in fixing them?"

"Cognitive psychology studies retrieval methods for information that has been stored in long-term memory." The formal explanation quickly earned annoyance, and Hajime changed to, "You changed your associations with them, so you can't pull your memories out. You blew up the road, in other words. But there are pods—" Please, let the pods still be there. "That are specifically designed to deal with memories. I'm positive I can tweak them to zero in on fixing your retrieval processes. I won't need to actually rebuild any memories. I'll just need to fix the roads."

"Makes sense," Fuyuhiko said, but sounded even more uncertain as the details poured in. "So, I'm going to get into a weird memory pod that was used to lock me into a killing game, and you're gonna fuck with my brain. Like the pod already did, once."

"That's." Hajime paused, then held back a grimace. "Yeah. I wouldn't use those words, but… that's technically accurate, yeah."

Fuyuhiko looked to the side, and Hajime realized someone had followed them to the building. "What do you think?"

"It's as I've been telling you, all this time." Peko nodded. "You can trust Hajime."

Fuyuhiko stared at the building looming overhead, then sighed. "Fuck it." He pushed his way inside, not waiting for them to follow.

When Hajime moved to do so, a hand caught his wrist. "Thank you," Peko whispered, with a rare smile.

He smiled, too. "You got him out."

"And you'll get him back." She stepped back, releasing his wrist. "I won't keep you. But truly: thank you."

Nodding, Hajime reached over and squeezed her wrist before he followed Fuyuhiko inside. He found Fuyuhiko in the lobby, looking critically at the looming statue representing the five islands; he hadn't known which hallway to use after entering. Hajime led him down a path that they'd walked countless times while working on their sleeping friends, and kept glancing at him to see if any recognition flickered.

None did, but that might also have been because of how focused he was on assessing the space around them. "No signs of forced entry anywhere," Fuyuhiko mused. "And there's dust."

"It doesn't look like anyone's been down here," Hajime agreed, but his pulse sped as they approached the final corridor. He took and held a deep breath as he pushed open the door in question.

The pods were still there.

His lungs emptied, and Hajime's heart lurched back into regular motion. "Okay," he said, and tried to not let on how worried he'd been that they might come all this way only to find that the military had carried off the island's heart. "Pick a pod."

Fuyuhiko eyed him oddly—Hajime's nerves had clearly come through—but he shrugged and walked over to the pod nearest to the main control panel. "So, I just…?"

"You just get in," Hajime confirmed, and tapped the pod's panel to open it.

Needing another few contemplative moments, Fuyuhiko let out a whooshing breath, nodded, and climbed into the empty pod. "Don't fuck up, lab rat."

"Don't call me that," Hajime reminded him, hopefully for the last time, and tapped the controls to close the pod. Inside, Fuyuhiko watched him through its fogged glass, then abruptly dropped into unconsciousness as its effects took hold.

Okay. Time to be someone's Ultimate Hope, again.

Hajime's fingers flew across the controls as he worked on repurposing the intricate code of the Neo World Program. Software code and neurological structures both reshaped under his expert hands, but it wasn't a quick process. He'd reprogrammed the world's satellites, but reprogramming Fuyuhiko's brain felt infinitely more consequential.

Eventually, he had to activate the program and turn it over to the machine. It was out of his hands, now, and he could only wait, watch, and hope. Eighty-seven anxious minutes later, a light turned from green to white. The program had ended.

Fear and anticipation filled him in equal measure. He was almost sure this would work, but if it didn't, Hajime didn't have another plan. It would work, right? It would work. It would work. It had to work, he told himself as he reached for the pod's controls and tapped OPEN. It had to work.

The pod door slowly opened, and Fuyuhiko's eyelid followed.

Hajime leaned over him, realizing his own hands were shaking. "H-hey." He swallowed, feeling suddenly weighed down by the gravity of this moment. Either he was about to get Fuyuhiko back, or it would prove impossible. "How'd it go?"

Fuyuhiko blinked at him once. Twice.

Hajime looked down, and again swallowed hard.

Abruptly, Fuyuhiko lunged halfway out of the pod and grabbed Hajime by his shirt collar. "You asshole! I told you not to bother!"

"You told me?" Hajime repeated with a tremulous, hopeful voice.

"All of those fucking satellites? They're gonna know it was you!"

He swallowed. "And who am I?"

Fuyuhiko's lower lip quivered. "Hajime Hinata. The world's biggest idiot."

Delirious joy overtook Hajime, and he leaned in for a hug that lifted Fuyuhiko the rest of the way out of his pod. One arm wrapped around the other man's back, holding him close, while his other hand rested along the curve of Fuyuhiko's head. "You're the idiot," Hajime laughed, and rested his face against Fuyuhiko's.

"Fuck you," Fuyuhiko snorted, and wrapped his arms around Hajime in return, allowing himself to be held like he seldom did. "My plan worked great."

"Well, so did mine." Hajime's grip tightened, though he remembered in time that Fuyuhiko still had deep injuries lurking inside. "I picked you. Just like you picked me."

Fuyuhiko tried to say something, but failed.

"Thank you," Hajime whispered. Now that sun had returned to his world, he could admit to what fate Fuyuhiko had saved him from. "God, thank you. Never do that again. Never."

"That's the plan," Fuyuhiko whispered, and laughed once. It faded into a soft, twisted noise. "I thought I'd never see you again."

"And you do. You see me. Right?"

"Yeah." Fuyuhiko nodded against him. "I do."

Ultimate Hope felt like a worthwhile title, suddenly. "Come on," Hajime eventually said. He didn't let go of Fuyuhiko, though, and Fuyuhiko didn't step away. "Let's figure out what home's going to be, now."

#my fic #i joke that my single favorite trope is 'earn your happy ending'#significantly fucking less of an ideal situation for the rest of the world but our focus is BIASED

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sincerely-sofie · 7 months ago

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So we have Twig in one world killing her would be husband making her have the exact problems he had with nightmare powers and in another Grovyle killing his friend leading to a more traumatized and unhinged lizard with pixie time powers so if I may ask what would happen (if it was even possible) if Dusknoir somehow struk the killing blow on Primal Dialga when they fought?

*shouting into a megaphone* WHO'S READY FOR AN EVEN MORE EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED GHOST MAN????

On a more serious note, I think Dusknoir would spend centuries in isolation while meditating so that he could regulate his heartbeat and keep time flowing properly. However, that’s based on the assumption that the “Primal” part of “Primal Dialga” doesn’t transfer over in the moment. If it does, then Celebi and Grovyle are stuck up in Imminent Danger Creek without a paddle.

#mortality exchange au #pmd dusknoir #PMD future trio #PMD future crew #future crew #future trio #pokémon mystery dungeon #pokemon mystery dungeon #pmd explorers #pmd sky #pmd eos #pmd2 #pmd #sofie answers asks

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lollytea · 1 month ago

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Just read your huntlow neverland au fics and I'm oooooh sooooooo obsessed!!! My brain is fulll of thoughts now! Fairies, who feel emotions so intensely they can only feel one at a time, struggling to keep their feelings and powers under control? Faries, who die when people say they don't believe in them?? (What about the fairies who struggle believing in themselves ohhhhh--)

Girls are too clever to fall out of their prams... but what about the girls who are taken...? changeling willow perchance? And fairy kings gilbert and harvey my beloveds??

(You killed me with willow realizing she's hunters happy thought btw, took me out entirely. That and sleepy willow just sitting in people's cupped hands as her wings wake up the imagery is too cuuuuutee!)

AAAAAAA!!! Oh, this ask makes me so happy, I'm delighted you enjoyed the fics. I wanna write a few more, but there's a long list of stuff I wanna write, so who knows when I'll get around to it.

I wanted to incorporate Willow's issues with repressing her feelings into this AU somehow rather than erase it by including the detail of her tiny body not being designed for repression. So in my mind, Willow is an incredibly powerful fairy, a real force of nature. However, this kind of magic is at its strongest when it's not stretched too thin. SO if Willow uses her magic to change into a human sized form, she's significantly less powerful than she is when she's teeny tiny. Holding human form for long periods of time is like flexing a muscle in terms of magical ability. She can't do much else.

HOWEVER, when Willow changes into human form, she can actually regulate her emotions properly and is no longer such an open book. She can resist big messy outbursts of anger or sadness or giddiness. She can be chill. And she's finally capable of hiding how she's feeling.

So basically Willow has two forms. Both forms have their strengths and weaknesses and no matter which one she's currently in, she's vulnerable. When she's teeny tiny, she's ridiculously overpowered, but also all of her emotions pour out of her for the world to see. When she's in human form, she's physically weakened, but at least she can put her walls up.

It's about the vulnerability....it's about the trust....it's about feeling comfortable with switching between both forms because she feels both physically AND emotionally safe with the people she's around. I wonder if she can ever have that.

I imagine that fairy Willow was born when baby Amity laughed for the first time, so the two of them have this intrinsic connection. (I know that fairies are typically born fully grown but I'm rejecting that cuz the idea of fairy babies sound cute) and maybe Willow used to visit her and they'd play together when they were little. A human girl and her fairy. And then the falling out between them happens when Amity gets older and becomes jaded and drops the "I don't believe in fairies" line that severs their friendship for years. Maybe it's Willow she almost kills. Maybe the Collector was nice enough to revive her. Who knows. Point is that the amillow stuff is messy. And then Amity returns to Neverland as a 14 year old and things are awkward and weird between them and aaaah.

I don't imagine Willow as a changeling myself. And I don't see her as a princess nor her Dads as kings. But somebody once did art for this AU where they decided that it was fun to picture her as being fairy royalty, so who am I to deny people having their own fun headcanons for this AU. I love that you're enthusiastic enough to have so many thoughts about it!!! Think whatever you want!! I DO love picturing fairy Gilbert and Harvey. What a beautiful image.

Thank you again for the ask and prompting me to think about my fairy Willow again. I love her so dearly!!

#neverland au

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pheonixdrop · 7 months ago

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I wish we knew for sure whether or not Garroth was actually mind controlled because it’s so annoying to try and argue any point. Like you could read it three different ways and it’s entirely based on your opinion and specifically your opinion of garroth. Was garroth 100% brainwashed or mindcontrolled? Was Garroth manipulated into it? Was Garroth just being a little bitch? Who knows!!

And even then, mind control and brainwashing are different things! Brainwashing is a kind of mind control but not all mind control is brain washing! If he was brainwashed, then that means he was most likely manipulated to the point of fully believing whatever Zane/Lillian wanted to, but if he was mind controlled, then he probably didn’t have much autonomy over his actions because he was literally being controlled.

Like I’m a little garroth hater most of the time and even I can’t really argue that mind control didn’t happen! my only points are that the plot in general is kind of shit considering all the implications that aren’t actually acknowledged and that total mind control isn’t really the best option considering Garroth didn’t have that whole fighting on the inside thing going on, so he was essentially just being puppeted until Laurence went “stop it this isn’t you 🥺” and it somehow immediately worked

I’m very passionate about how much i don’t like the betrayal plot if you can’t tell

L + ratio + it’s my favorite arc + I think it’s fun and complex.

I don’t think he’s “mind controlled” if that means like. Magic or fantasy hypnosis, but he’s very clearly being emotionally manipulated by Lilian and Zane. He’s in a lot of distress after seeing Laurence kiss Aphmau, NOT because he is jealous, but because they had a heart-to-heart where Laurence directly promised him that he would let Garroth make the first move, to accommodate for Garroth’s hesitance. He’s upset because Laurence (seemingly) broke his promise.

But that’s not the point where he betrays them! No, INSTEAD Garroth removes himself from the group to try and regulate his feelings, because he KNOWS he won’t be acting rationally if he’s around them. Is this mature and healthy? Absolutely not! But it makes SENSE. Garroth is a very private person. He struggles to express himself, and already has good reason not to trust people (he’s been on the run for 5 years at this point, and the last person he fully trusted proceeded to be a shadow knight that tried to kill him. Twice).

But Garroth is doing what he THINKS is best: not making his feelings everyone else’s problem. He’s trying to deal with it on his own by pretending to be sick.

Of course, they’re worried about him, so when a traveling doctor (Lilian) comes by, they send her his way. And she presents herself as a medical professional, someone he could trust, that could give him an objective view of the situation. And she used that to manipulate him.

She breaks down his trust in them, bit by bit. She convinces him that they’re using him. That they don’t care about him. He’s nothing but a tool to his loved ones. He’s already isolated himself, so it’s not hard to keep him isolated. She makes him feel like an idiot for trusting them. When he’s isolated, he can’t interact with his loved ones, can’t disprove what she’s saying. And so it makes sense. It all starts to make sense.

Laurence going “this isn’t like you” doesn’t work because “UwU 🥺 magic of fwiendship” or whatever the fuck you seem to think it is, it works because it very rapidly snaps Garroth back to reality that Laurence has no fucking clue what Garroth is talking about. It becomes clear that he loves Garroth, that he knows and respects him. And Garroth realizes he’s been tricked, because the version ofLaurence that Lilian convinced him existed isn’t the Laurence he’s fighting.

TL;DR: He’s brainwashed in the same way that Will Grahm is brainwashed. Yes, his actions are his own. He chose to do what he did. But he would have never done it if he hadn’t been manipulated by a trusted medical professional.

#long post #[my post]#my post #aphblr #aphmau #aphverse #minecraft diaries #mcd #aphmau mcd #[ asks ]

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narcissisticpdcultureis · 9 months ago

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NPD + somehow high empathy? + emotionally unstable parents culture is wishing more people would learn empathy by having an adult with emotional self regulation of a three y.o. like you did because oh my GOD. Why do i understand when you're upset by your choice of words in 1 message BUT YOU DON'T FUCKING GET ANY SINGLE HINT AND DON'T EVEN HAVE A CLUE THAT YOU'RE HURTING ME!!! BITCH!!! I know you're autistic and you don't get social cues BUT I'M AUTISTIC TOO AND IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE MAKING EXCUSES TO IGNORE MY FEELINGS AND BE A PRICK!!! I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG BECAUSE TO ME IT'S BASIC FUCKING ETIQUETTE AND FUNDAMENTALS ON HOW TO MANAGE PEOPLE I FEEL LIKE I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO SOMEONE WHY I'M UPSET THAT THEY SPILLED BOILING WATER ON MY AMPUTATED LEG OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! WHY ARE YOU STUPID BESTIE!!!!! I love you but YOU ARE SO GODDAMN STUPID is it stupidity or are you actually hurting me on purpose??? I MISS SOCIAL CUES TOO BUT I'M SORRY EVERYONE ON THIS PAGE AT SOME POINT I STOP BELIEVING THAT SOMEONE CAN BE THAT BAD AT SOCIAL CUES THAT BAD AT SENSING SOMEONE'S UPSET OR SOME ACTION MIGHT UPSET SOMEONE AND THAT FUCKING BAD AT COMFORTING YOUR FRIENDS!!! oh my god why don't you have FUNDAMENTAL FUCKING BASED SKILLS THAT I ACQUIRED THROUGH TRAUMA????

Had to lowercase half of the text btw because too much caps hurts the eyes

#npd culture is #high empathy npd culture is #npd #actually narcissistic #actually npd #narcissistic personality disorder #cluster b #high empathy #ask to tag

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satancopilotsmytardis · 1 year ago

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Hii I love your work and honestly have been binging every from the beginning over the past couple weeks. You’re an amazing writer and have completely changed my view on shigadabi and shigadabihawks!! I was just wondering if you have any head canons on shigadabihawks your willing to share?

Hi thank you so much I'm glad you're enjoying it!

As for Shigadabihawks Headcanons:

Of the 3, Shigaraki is somehow the most emotionally mature. Dabi is consistently a mess, Hawks can only regulate his emotions behind his spy persona and otherwise struggles with them.

Dabi has an easier time being open and emotionally vulnerable with Shigaraki than Hawks because he and Hawks seem to have had similar but reversed experiences and he never knows how to handle that.

Dabi always sleeps in the middle because he is a perfect space heater

Dabihawks and Shigahawks actually have sex most often when it's not all 3 of them because when Shigadabi fuck, Dabi is usually left black and blue (consensually)

Hawks' love languages are words of affirmation and quality time

Dabi's love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch

Shigaraki's love languages are physical touch and quality time

Shigaraki almost always holds some doubt about how much the other two actually need him in this dynamic (unless he got together with one of them first) meanwhile Dabihawks are pretty sure they would be a dumpster fire if it wasn't for Shig's grounding presence.

Shig is usually the one to say "I love you" first, followed by Hawks, and then Dabi

#tanco speaks #ask #asks #shigadabihawks

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thelostgirl21 · 1 year ago

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Okay, someone wrote that they thought Jaskier had ADHD in some of my tags, and I've just GOT to address this, because asfjasfljadsflasjd;dlasja;slfjd;as...

@aro-tarot , OMFG YES!!!

As someone with ADHD, I've got such strong ADHD vibes from Jaskier like you wouldn't believe!

(That, plus I tend to headcanon that Jaskier suffers from Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), a condition strongly associated with ADHD, but more on that further down...)

I mean he's usually got no freaking impulse control whatsoever, and no filter on his mouth!

And even when he HAS that filter on, and some vague awareness that opening his mouth further and speaking his mind might get him into yet more trouble…

Well, the frustration he feels in the now is apparently so strong that the possibility of having to pay a price later is but a too distant and abstract concept to be enough to put a stop to that mouth!

I mean, that moment right here?

Someone without ADHD would have stopped themselves at "Am I going to say it?" because of the "Yeah, if I antagonize him, he might decide to keep me away from getting on that boat and I'll jeopardize my safety as well as the safety of the people that are currently counting on me," that should normally logically follow...

Someone with a very strong case of ADHD however... Well, they might just have to say it!

Same thing in Season 1 with the elves. Jaskier's bound and tied ,and he just keeps antagonizing them because he's angry, and the need to express his anger somehow screams louder than the punch or the kick he'll be receiving 2 freaking seconds later if he keeps verbally lashing out at them!

Self-soothing and impulse managing are two skills that Jaskier doesn't quite have a good mastery of.

Like, don't let him get his hands on a djinn while heartbroken, drunk, and deeply wounded (because his best and very possibly queerplatonic friend just insulted his singing, while implying that it was likely why his other friend/lover had just left him, no less)... He might just start wishing Valdo Marx dead!

Generally, I'd strongly advise keeping him away from anything that could potentially become a weapon if he's highly emotional.

That's never a good combination.

Jaskier might do something he'll regret, and realize it was awfully dumb and stupid only once he's deeply in trouble, or has finally calmed down.

ADHD isn't a mood disorder, but it's been described as a "failure to self-regulate moods disorder".

Meaning that people with ADHD feel the same emotions as anyone else most of the time (RSD is a bit of an exception; again, more on that later), but they'll just have a harder time avoiding openly expressing them, and stopping themselves from acting upon them.

They can succeed most of the time (thankfully); and I highly suspect that Jaskier might be at his most focused and emotionally measured around Ciri, because he feels responsible for her.

Adults often have this instinct to sacrifice their own needs and wants to give priority to those of children (including sometimes teenagers, and/or grown children they've adopted as part of their family system and are still mentoring through life).

People with ADHD also tend to have a blast playing aunt/uncle, because we can super easily connect with the sense of wonder, excitement, and defiance of authority of children and younger people - be very impulsive and silly with them and act like children and teens ourselves, at times - while still remaining responsible and protective of them when we need to be.

It's like suddenly flipping our "adult switch" on, because we're aware they need us to be the adult.

But fellow adults don't need us to "adult" for their sake.

They typically have their own shit together way better than we do! So, we're just that almost full time impulsive dumb kid that they need to constantly watch out for while around our adult friends.

UNLESS they make it extremely clear to us that they need our help and/or for us to focus. We can "adult" if the stakes are high, and/or they need our support, too.

But that's not our default mode!

We'd rather be chasing butterflies and playing videogames / writing songs (or meta... Meta's good... My brain loves meta because it's always over-analyzing things!), doing whatever keeps us interested and stimulated in the now, than carefully planning things and being responsible.

And there's also that scene where Jaskier is in the Witcher lab with Yennefer, while Ciri's possessed by Voleth Meir (you know... going around killing people, lives are at stake and all that...).

But, since all of this is happening in another room, Jaskier can't quite emotionally connect with the gravity of the situation, so he's eating whatever he finds his hands on while randomly talking about nipples because Yennefer said "oriole", and his brain thought it sounded like "areola" (yeah, our brains are always making a bunch of connections that aren't relevant to the situation)!

Yet, as soon as Yennefer makes it clear that she needs him to focus, he's 100% in the moment with her, and has flipped that "adult switch" on.

We can go there, but it typically requires a strong enough emotional incentive for us to ground ourselves, and it's a state that gets draining when sustained for a too long period of time.

And given how we're at our best when highly stressed, Jaskier's probably the person you want there with you when things start really going to shit!

He's at his best when he's got no idea what he's going to do, and he has to think fast and improvise to respond to whatever is happening in real time.

Oh, and I'm about 99.9% sure that he suffers from rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), too (yeah, we're finally going there).

I discovered what RSD was about 5 years ago, how it tied into my ADHD, and that it had been something that I'd been struggling with (and often doing everything I could to hide) my whole life without really understanding it.

One thing that people with RSD tend to do, sadly, is constantly downplay our own hurt and pretend everything is fine - do our best to keep others constantly entertained and happy with us, even at our own expanse at times - so that they won't perceive us as a burden, and will continue to want to have us around.

Since a part of us is deeply aware that our emotional response to real (and/or even perceived) rejection, and the pain it causes, feels way more intense than it normally should be, we tend to be ashamed of it, and unable to fully discuss those feelings with those we love.

So, even when we do speak up for ourselves, we are afraid that we might be exaggerating, and/or making the issue much bigger than it is.

Thus, we almost regret it right away, and/or feel guilty for it afterwards, and we'll be almost desperate to let our friend "off the hook" as quickly as possible so they'll love us again.

Therefore watching Jaskier's behavior in Season 2, and the way certain characters (except Yennefer, that genuinely surprised me) responded to him, was actually physically painful for me to watch at times.

Some of the most triggering moments for someone with RSD include:

Jaskier brushing off Geralt's sincere apology - attempting to hide the depth of the emotional devastation he'd caused him - to avoid being perceived as being too much trouble and risking abandonment again.

Jaskier humorously pretending that Ciri going past him, as if he didn't exist, didn't hurt, while joking "Like father, like daughter".

Him going "Right, yeah," when Yarpen Zigrin dismisses him - having chosen to turn that constant rejection into some kind of game between them - because it's much easier to be under the illusion that they're just good-naturally teasing each other, than facing the possibly that Yarpen might genuinely consider him an unwanted nuisance he'd gladly do without, and that having excluded him from the word "friend" was 100% done on purpose!

That same little heartbreaking "Right. Yeah" after he tells Lambert "Look at us. Just one big happy family, eh?" and Lambert goes "No." While pushing him out of the way.

Jaskier is a sweet, loving, empathetic, highly sensitive bard that's on the freaking aromantic spectrum!

And aromantics can most definitely love their best friend in the whole wide world with an intensity, a depth, a sincerity, and a level of devotion that can easily match - and perhaps even surpass - any romantic couple.

Heck, I don't consider myself to be quite on the aromantic spectrum (given that I do experience primary romantic attraction towards people), but I also have a tendency to form friendships that are more emotionally (and sometimes physically, and even sexually) intimate than many of the romantic relationships I've had (except, perhaps, my current one, that is definitely on par).

I think the only reason why I've managed to remain with the same romantic partner (that I do consider the romantic love of my life) for 17 years now - and would gladly spend the rest of my life with him - is because of how deeply supportive and respectful he's been of those friendships I have.

I've built my own found family over the years that I wouldn't want to live without. And I've broken up with prior romantic partners that couldn't agree to "share me" with those other people I love (in a non-romantic way, but that doesn't make it any less tangible or real!) without regretting a single thing.

So, I wholeheartedly believe that Jaskier does love Geralt and always has loved him.

And I know that, if I'm right about this, and if Jaskier is indeed prone to RSD, then the level of emotional and physical pain that Geralt's rejection put him through would have been absolutely soul wrenching.

"I've also survived, no thanks to you," sounds just about right.

Jaskier is human, while witches and witchers are frozen in time. He's been loving Geralt and travelling alongside him and singing songs about him for about 20 years.

20 years, in a human life, is a lot of one's life to devote to someone...

Then, the moment that Geralt's romantic love interest (Yennefer) leaves him, he turns on Jaskier and basically tells him that he's brought him nothing but bad luck and misery for two decades, and that what would please him ,above everything else, would be for life to rid him of him!

Why don't you just take a sword and run Jaskier through, Geralt? I think that would have been less painful to watch!

So, I think this is one of the reasons why Season 3 has been so freaking cathartic to watch for me!

I've been literally crying my eyes out each time people made Jaskier feel loved, wanted, said thank you (even Yarpen!!! Freaking Yarpen stopped to thank him, and called him by his preferred name, Jaskier)...

And of course, there's Radovid...

I could go on and on about how good it felt to have a character that finally treats Jaskier with the same care, attention, and empathy that Jaskier offers others...

But, I think one of the things I loved the most, with Radovid, is how Jaskier himself responded to him.

He's not trying to please him, quite the contrary.

When Radovid asks "Have you come to sing us pretty songs?", Jaskier answers "No. I don't do pretty".

And then, when Radovid says that, while he appreciates the information that Jaskier has brought him, all he really wants is a song, Jaskier responds by saying that "he's not really in a singing mood."

Because yes, he's a bard. Yes, he sings about people he's encountered on his travels, and yes, he sings about people he loves...

But he doesn't want to sing "pretty songs" about Witchers, fairytales, heroics and heartbreak for the entertainment of a Prince and his court!

He's not there so that "Prince Radovid" can sing the praises of "Jaskier the Bard" 's triumphant private performance at the palace!

That's not what pleases Jaskier anymore.

I don't think Jaskier feels like he's got anything to prove performance-wise anymore and, sadly, I believe that, instead of giving him a sense of finally being seen and loved - of belonging...

At times, all this singing and performing - often for the benefit of others - has made him feel even more invisible and isolated.

And that's the beauty of him singing "Extraordinary Things", because that song is all about Jaskier.

It's vocally raw, vulnerable, filled with a fragile hope for love and for someone that makes him feel like he is seen for who he is... For someone that can help Jaskier finally believe that who he is is enough.

For someone that makes him feel like he doesn't have to try so hard to pretend to be happy, and fine, and give others what he thinks they want, so that maybe they'll love him (or keep on loving him) back.

Because it's not just Geralt...

Geralt is the one whose rejection hurt Jaskier the most, because he's the one Jaskier has loved and trusted the most...

Geralt is the one that broke something in Jaskier - his ability to feel safe in the belief that his closest friends would never abandon him.

Thanks to Geralt outburst, Jaskier is likely now being cursed with a little voice, in the back of his mind, that will continue to pop up from time to time whenever he feels safe and happy in his relationships, to make him wonder if his friends and family don't secretly wish that they could get rid of him.

Rationally, I'm sure that Jaskier understands that what happened with Geralt was caused by Geralt's own issues, and that his own behavior wasn't the cause of the rejection.

Rationally, I'm sure that he can trust in their relationship, and feel confident in the love they share.

But emotionally? Although trauma can be managed and kept at bay the vast majority of the time, there are always moments where you're bound to be more tired, stressed out, and where you don't always have the energy to push back against all of those nasty voices that wait for you to let your guards down to be heard and make you doubt.

However, besides what specifically happened with Geralt, Jaskier sadly has a very long history of having had to deal with rejections of all kinds, and been made to feel like he was never enough.

Even Valdo's obstinated refusal to learn Jaskier's name is like he's constantly trying to symbolically murder Jaskier by denying him the very right to exist, for fuck's sake!

After watching those scenes, I thought "Yup! It's really no wonder this happened:

So, while having gotten Geralt back - and obviously having built strong emotional ties with Yennefer and Ciri since the end of Season 2 - has likely tremendously helped easing some of the pain rejection has caused Jaskier throughout his life, he still has those moments where it deeply hurts him.

And I think that Geralt knows...

Jaskier might have been trying to hide it - and Geralt might not fully understand why Jaskier was hurt as deeply as he was (I doubt RSD is something that people often talk about in their world) - but he knows that a part of Jaskier still fears being rejected or abandoned again.

He's just being so soft and patient with Jaskier this season; making it immediately clear that he's not angry with Jaskier, and that their relationship is not threatened the moment that he senses his discomfort.

Or, you know, just reassuring him that the separation between them is only temporary, and that he's going to be the first person he comes looking back for as soon as he's done dealing with Rience.

If Jaskier truly is someone that tends to see people as they really are - not as they pretend to be - then it's easy to see why Jaskier did fall in love with Geralt.

That level of perceptiveness is both a gift and a curse for Jaskier, though.

Because when the person you love is set on self-destructing and unable to embrace who they really are, you might find yourself caught in the blast.

Still, when Geralt is allowing himself to be loved, and to openly love people back, he's an absolutely wonderful (platonic, alterous, romantic...) partner to have.

He's shown as someone who is able to not only apologize, but also recognize the impact that his mistakes have had on others, and take full responsibility for them.

Jaskier may have been quick to brush his apology off and pretend that all was good, but Geralt apparently knows better and, more importantly, is showing that the apology was sincere.

He's making efforts to better communicate with Jaskier and he's doing everything he can to not only alleviate some of the pain he's caused him, but to avoid triggering his insecurities.

Sadly, RSD is not something that Geralt alone can fix, especially not when Jaskier has been exposed to a number of different patterns of interpersonal rejections throughout his life.

And, while Jaskier has a tendency to pretend being fine even when he's not, his eyes almost always tell the truth.

Makes you wonder just how emotionally smart and insightful Radovid is...

Because when someone sings to you those lines...

The greatest songs are made up of unspoken words of love Of them I have had enough With you, I have enough With you, I am enough I am, I am enough

Then looks at you with those eyes...

Well, it's rather easy to understand that Jaskier has been made to feel like he wasn't good enough for those he loved, and/or still loves in the past.

And, given the success of "Burn Butcher Burn", I wouldn't put it past Radovid to have guessed that - athough they were back to being close friends - Geralt might have had something to do with the enduring vulnerability and the hurt he saw reflected there...

Thus, leading him to taking an educated guess as to what might have happened, and ask Jaskier "Does the Witcher know how lucky he is to have you?"

Somehow, with that simple question, Radovid has achieved two very important things...

He's just told Jaskier that not only does he, indeed, believe him to be enough, but he would consider himself lucky to have him...

He's just told Jaskier that whatever Geralt might have said or done to make him feel unwanted in the past, it had been wrong.

And, judging by Jaskier's answering smile, our beloved bard just got himself a fresh new (and quite princely) voice in his head to help him drown out the sound of all the other voices that are occasionally trying to convince him that he's a barely tolerable burden to those he loves.

Radovid has thrown just enough shade Geralt's way to avoid insulting their relationship; while at the same time sort of giving Jaskier the permission to mentally go "Ha! See?! There are people that want and love me, and would consider themselves lucky to have me in their lives! God, you used to be such an asshole, Geralt!" should he still need to go there to help himself manage his pain.

As a victim of Geralt's harsh and cruel words, Jaskier is entirely entitled to have moments where he needs to be a bit petty about the way Geralt used to treat him, and to call him the "family goat".

It's a very healthy way of coping with the residual hurt and anger because it puts the blame in the right place (Jaskier didn't do anything to deserve the way he was treated by Geralt nor to provoke that rejection) with just enough humor to keep that pain and resentment from growing into something that could actually be damaging to their relationship.

Radovid is an impressively good and attentive listener - at least as far as Jaskier himself is concerned.

And maybe that's one of the (many) reasons why Radovid asking to borrow Jaskier's lute, and singing the song back to him, touched me as much as it did.

It stood in sharp contrast to people singing Jaskier's songs back to him while thinking it makes THEM special for knowing a few lines! That Jaskier should be grateful to THEM for being fans, supporting his art, etc.

The entitled patrons that believe Jaskier's singing should be about what they love to hear without being really interested in what Jaskier wishes to say.

Like that obnoxious guy at the docks who started singing "The Golden One" with Jaskier, basically going "See! I'm a big fan! That totally makes us buddies now! And, as such, here are my artistic input, so that maybe you can do better next time! You know, it's good, but it's not good enough for me. Here's how you can improve!"

Basically sending Jaskier the message: "You, the artist, the message and the feelings you are trying to convey through your art don't matter. You are but invisible. Sure, you have a name, and now I'm excited at the opportunity of making my friends jealous by saying I've met you! But you're just a tool that I can now use to make myself more important and interesting to others! Your job is to stay in the shadow of your songs! Your job is to make me happy, to entertain me, to please me, to sing what I want to hear the way I wish I could hear it and to make your art all about me."

Instead, Radovid simply borrows Jaskier's lute, and humbly starts playing the song with a sense of reverence, gratitude, respect, and desire to offer Jaskier something in return for the gift he's offered him by sharing a part of himself with him through his song.

Radovid said that he had long wanted to meet Jaskier in person and presented himself as someone that is a fan of his songs, but that's because they fascinate him.

He genuinely cares about what Jaskier has to say and communicate to others (and/or about others) through them, not about what he wants to hear.

In a world where Jaskier has had to constantly fight to fit in, where he's often made to feel like he's "barely tolerated" (and it usually takes a long time for people to get to genuinely appreciate him, and openly love him back the way he loves them)...

Radovid is someone that comes along showing him that love is not supposed to be earned.

Love is a gift. You love people for who they are, not for what they can do for you.

And what Radovid heard, through those songs, was something so special, intriguing, and irresistible to him that his own response was a genuine desire to get to know the man behind the art.

He tells Jaskier that the unique way he sees the world, and his need to express it, does not make him hypersensitive or annoying - it makes him special.

I don't think the hurt in Jaskier's eyes will ever 100% go away, and that his RSD can ever be completely resolved, either...

But it doesn't need to, because it can be managed and shouldn't get in the way of one's ability to experience joy and happiness, too.

Pain is a natural and healthy part of one's life, as long as it doesn't stand in the way of everything else - as long as there's balance, and room for healing whenever it comes along.

As as long as Jaskier's found family continues to love and accept him the way he is - to let him know that he's an important part of their lives - I believe Jaskier's going to be fine. REALLY fine...

Even the moments when he's hurting are going to be fine, because that's not all there is, and he's got people loving him and offering comfort.

And maybe I'm too hopeful about this, but I think there's most definitely hope for Radovid and Jaskier to make a relationship work between them, too.

Even if it turns out to be a somewhat unconventional one, and completely different from what people might have in mind when they think of a classic "romantic couple", they can find a way to make it work for them.

My advice to them would be to leave all expectations and social conventions at the door, allow themselves to be creative in "loving outside the box", and to build something together that addresses most of their respective needs, while acknowledging and respecting the other responsibilities and emotional attachments each other have.

Oddly enough, Jaskier is one of the few people that I could imagine clearly understanding that Radovid's existence is a bit of a tragedy where he'll never be free to fully belong to himself.

In the event of his brother's untimely death (for example), should Radovid decide to give up his claim to the throne to live a less complicated life, any Redanian ruler could still try to have him assassinated "just in case" he was to change his mind, and later come challenge them.

The palace is a golden cage, and I think Jaskier would not hold it against Radovid, or grow resentful towards him, that he would only be able to offer Jaskier what he is actually free to give without risking both their lives in the process.

He might grow frustrated with all the circumstances that are creating some significant challenges to their relationship, but I could imagine Jaskier wishing to face those as partners, and avoiding to be angry at Radovid for what he can't magically change.

This is where Jaskier's ADHD brain might become an asset by helping him make unique connections, and find creative solutions to allow Jaskier to - as Batey suggested - still find the light in the darkest of places for them two.

So yeah, I definitely tend to headcanon Jaskier as having ADHD (with some significant amount of RSD), too.

#The Witcher #Jaskier #Radovid #Radskier #Queerplatonic Geraskier #Geralt of Rivia #Yennefer #Ciri #ADHD #Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria #or #RSD #My posts #My stuff #My thoughts #Personal

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