#unpack the day and shit
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guess which bad bitch has decided to start journaling again
(its me)
take your bets how long this will last
#just a load of garbage#honestly i hope this works#bc like its kind of calming ngl#and also helps me kind of like#unpack the day and shit#and help me view shit in a positive light#and also like emotionally regulate#also this is like#helping my focus somehow#idk#but yeah#i just wrote for 15 straight minutes#also my handwriting is improving#what is going on fam
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happy father's day i'm thinking about this outis line again
I always thought it was a bit out of pocket considering this isn't too long after the events of Canto III, even with how Outis was being harsher this Canto.
But I then I remembered that Outis' son is the same age as Sinclair.
Her son, who thinks that she died in the Smoke War (the in universe equivalent to the Trojan War as depicted in the Iliad and the Odyssey) because she hasn't been home in years. Her son who cannot cry out to her. And her son, who is currently in much the same position as Sinclair regarding his self-perception and ability to fight, as Telemachus refers to himself as "a weakling knowing nothing of valor" (Book 2 of the Odyssey, line number and exact wording depend on translation).
I think this line reflects more on Outis and her anxieties about her family thinking that she's dead, as well as a reference to Telemachus experiencing his own journey to manhood, much like Sinclair.
I think there's also things to be said for the parallels between Sinclair and Telemachus, even just the ones imagined by Outis. Hell's Chicken had her showing a very paternal worry over his diet (raise your hand if your dad has ever said you'll be short forever if you don't eat right). Overall, even though Sinclair and Telemachus only share the bones of a coming of age narrative, Outis is seeing connections there because she misses her family.
As with this one. Again, she's showing her hand more than she means to. Though she's talking to Dongrang, I think she's also talking to herself. Trying to reassure herself that home will always be waiting. Dongrang, however, decides not to return, but to pursue glory no matter who he hurts in the process. The Odyssey also contrasts the pursuit of glory with the desire to return home. Odysseus has to choose humility in order to return.
Outis has been keeping up a careful persona around us, but it's slipping. Her desire to return home is seeping through even as she tries to assert herself by clinging to the glory from a war that's long since ended.
#limbus company#outis lcb#outis makes me insane i need to bite something#outis is canto 11 going by release order... that's so far away#penelope and telemachus i need to think about them and see them#rotating them in my mind every day#and. i can't unpack homeric ideals of masculinity with how the odyssey treats telemachus' coming of age and#how that's going to influence outis' writing and how she treats sinclair. because that would take way too long#but y'know#that's another post. and that's also a post about gender. like. i can see the title now#Homeric Masculinity. Butchness. and The Meaning of Manhood: a Closer Look at Outis' Gender in Limbus Company#i title my shit like academic articles do not @ me#like. i know gender isn't really a factor in the city. but from a meta-textual level i think it's interesting and i'm a butch lesbian so#also this is a scheduled post. i am scheduling it for fathers day because i would not remember otherwise. so hi from the past
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Seeming as I dont think that poll is swaying anytime soon- keychains have been ordered! And if you can afford the shipping, I can ship outside the USA! :)
#2al merch#uh#tags#the back is a dif design btw#same pose just different angle so theres no “wrong arm missing” situation#ill send actual photos when they arrive#which should be in no more than 20 days#and yeah just 30 will be up for sale#all bundled with the stickers and buttons#friends also have first dibs-#theres like. 15 of my friends interested-#I cant tell how fast these are going to sell baha#this will def be a real fun experience though#tbh ive always wanted to sell shit off etsy#and my that I mean tenderly pack everything into a little bag#handwrite a thank you note#give the poptart keychains all a little kiss on the forehead before sending them off#and also see peoples unpacking pics :)
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2022 I had my life in jersey ripped out from under me and I have spent every day since trying to get back. It’s been an uphill battle every step of the way.
But today.
Today I am back home ❤️
#certified jersey post#we made it back to Eden#(garden state -> garden of Eden)#moving day#my truck with all of my shit still isn’t here tho so I’ve been on the bedroom carpet setting up wifi#and now am sitting on the countertop eating fast food#mama drift was right to put toilet paper and soap and towels in my car and not the truck cuz THAT would’ve sucked lmao#anyway that aside it’s been smooth and hopefully#the unpacking will go fast!
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Love that Terra clearly had the worst possible understanding of Eda and Raine (thinking they wouldn’t team up to fight her as kids, that Raine wasn’t smart enough to lie through their teeth until the Day of Unity, etc) but even SHE knows damn well those two are absolute fucking losers for each other. Can you imagine how insufferable they had to be off-screen for Terra to openly mock it with zero hesitation. What did she have to bear witness to
#the owl house#toh#toh spoilers#for the future#terra snapdragon#eda clawthorne#raine whispers#raeda#talk#drabble post#'i like musicians!'#oh girl what kind of bullshttery did you have to sit through#i refuse to believe its one of those 'you just see it from afar' things#i know in my HEART. THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS TO BE AROUND#lilith likes raine she does she thinks theyre cool but she couldnt STAND to be in the same room as them w eda#my apologies but we all have to know those 2 were the couple that borderline made out in the school hallways#literally always talking in the middle of class and doing stupid shit#arguably its worse now bc theyre in the pining obviously from afar but we gotta unpack that later theres a world to save rn#darius staring into space in the single day he had to be in the same base as them as they prepared for the day of unity like. oh good lord.#i forgot how bad they were. how did i ever forget this. how is this worse. how did they make this even worse they arent even kissing yet#theyre so disgustingly in love with each other its like getting toothrot#which is the long way of saying F to belos when eda learns what he did#it is on SIGHT YOU OLD CORPSE
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well. did you fucking miss me.
#random thoughts#apologies for sounding in such a sour mood. life is fucked as of late.#scheduled post. i made this on 10.08.2024.#everything has just gone to shit. so far i've been eating less than ever. feels like my stomach is eating itself augh (':#(technically the so-called relapse started on 24.12.2023. but we are not unpacking that today or ever.)#and i am filled with this desperate urge to cut myself. really really deep. not sure how to cope with it#i also?? hate how i look??#and yet i spend all my time?? in this dark dark room?? taking pictures of my face?????#i'm not killing myself off just yet don't worry. i considered it but it won't be happening any time soon.#i originally planned on disappearing for twelve days. partly to make my friends feel bad because i'm awful#which. obviously didn't work. as i don't think anyone noticed or cared particularly.#but mostly because i can't fucking handle it. it being everything. my future feels so uncertain#i am barely alive. i love all the people in my life. but they're too far away physically and emotionally.#but yeah. back finally. although ciel disappears for a lot longer than me and if you know hym my absence would be a small stint.#ciel if you're here when i post this i love you please come back. ):#this place is so scary to come back to. i'm not sure why. i'm just. scared.#i'm not even sure if i want to return really. i'm having second thoughts now. i haven't gotten worse enough#and i can't say what that means. because in theory there's nothing wrong with me that's been speculated upon. so.#i don't think anyone would care if i disappeared for longer than this.#but being away is torture. and then again being here also sort of is. it's scary#fuck.#i can't get out of bed without feeling like shit. i don't know if i can come back. i'm so sick of everything.#if you're seeing this i'm so sorry.#I NEED TO CUT MYSELF I NEED TO CUT MYSELF NOW. I NEED TO. I MADE SO MANY PROMISES BUT I NEED TO DO IT NOW#I'VE GOT THE SCISSORS I NEED TO DO IT#I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#(<- tags canceled for now)
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creation of adam but it's this photo of me handing scott the martini before his buddy cole set in the KITH toronto show
#just now i was feeling shitty and scrolling through youtube until i saw someone had posted a clip of the buddy monologue from that show#and the clip just happened to include my cameo!! so i may be just sitting in my childhood bedroom still unpacking from college at 2am#but on my phone is the image of me sharing the stage with my favorite comedian in front of over a thousand people#so y'know life isn't always one thing. i'm capable of being bored and stressed but also capable of THIS#i wanted to comment on the video to say hi but the original uploader's comments were off#but this did make me feel a lot better bc oh my god that was such a fun weekend#i should text scott soon to let him know i'm done with college. and see if i can make new year's a tradition again#i met scott on new years (and even tho i'd talked to bellini before it was also the day we met irl for the first time)#and last year i managed to convince paul to invite me and scott and some other friends over for new years bc i wanted it to be a tradition#not sure if paul's up for it this year but i did ask scott about it last time i was in toronto#when i asked his plans for new years he said he might be out of town (which is okay)#but then when i explained it was the anniversary of when we first met he was like ''no actually i'll be here'' which was funny#my friendships with bruce and paul are generally in a similar place to where we were at the beginning of the year#(like obviously knowing each other longer makes us closer but our dynamic hasn't changed which is still positive bc we were already friends#but holy shit december 2023 jessamine and scott are like unrecognizable compared to december 2024 jessamine and scott#and the fact that we technically haven't even known each other for two years is WILD like it won't be two years until the 31st#anyway i'm getting rambly i'm tired i should sleep. my circadian rhythm is messed up and the lighting problems in my room are not helping#goodnight everyone see you tomorrow for more nonsense
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I have officially started painting the walls in the living room.
well, I've mixed/adjusted the paint and painted some swatches and put up masking tape and all that stuff. I'll be painting tomorrow. I'm so excited (to get started, but mostly that I'll finally be all done with evvvverything*)
*until I think of the next thing I want to do, and the next one after that, and -
#I'm just so damn happy I actually managed to get everything else done today!! the living room was a mess before#well it's even worse right now but that's because all the furniture is in the middle of the room lol#but yeah I finished unpacking almost everything (there's still a few boxes with like old memory stuff etc. in the storage room but that#doesn't count because we don't use or need that stuff)#and I cleaned and I did the laundry and I put away (some) clean laundry and I blocked most of the bunting for the birthday garland I'm#making and I tidied everything and I fixed a bunch of things and#okay I think that's all#but hey that's kind of a lot?#idk but it definitely is for me#I think I sat down for maaaybe an hour or two the entire day?? that's. actually concerning and it explains the pain in my feet oh no#sometimes when I'm walking (not standing) I don't notice the pain until it's too late...#well shit I hope I'll be able to actually paint tomorrow lol. guess I'll have to sit down for some of it but I did that last time too and it#was alright#personal
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hornet does not get flustered, ever. ok? she doesn't blush and she doesn't freeze up. she'll think about her rival getting all up in her face, blowing a kiss, etc at 3am and her gaze will harden and be like 'hm. this is hatred. i have to kill her'
#lacenet#headcanon#it's extremely hard to tell even from an outside perspective that she has a crush!!!#her wires are hella crossed from all the trauma#silksong#and the autism as well#her modes are 'attack' and 'probably don't attack'#with a hefty side of emotional repression#(hornet internal monolouge) she blew me a KISS... she was trying to HUMILIATE me...... I MUST DEFEND MYSELF. (takes a bullet for lace)#(multiple times)#forge-daughter: that is not hatred. (thumbs up) good luck girl#lace finally is like ok. i'm pinning you against the wall because i want to kiss you. do you need a moment#and hornet has to process that information & unpack her shit for like 3 days before she comes back deciding that sounds nice actually#bobbinbugs originals#hornet
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Don’t listen to haters, everything ever spread about Vivzie was disproven. Your art is cute.
LMAOOOOOOOO NO IT WASNT????????!!??!?!?
#WEIRD take man#first of all there are so many accusations about viv this is so unspecefic#also. no they havent?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? ive seen so much proof. i see more every single day#i mean thank you. for the compliment.#but being critical about media (even media you enjoy) is a good thing.#its important to unpack how the creators beliefs influence the work they produce#disc horse#this is the first thing i saw when i woke up today and it baffled me so much that i couldnt sleep more like i planned lol#anyway. im not saying anyone cant enjoy the show(s). obviously i do A LITTLE if im making fanart#im not saying you have to drop a media if its creators are problematic. in facf i dont like that take#just remember you are not immune to propaganda and vivzies rac/ist/anti/semetic opinions are very much influencing these characters writing#and things like her (SELF ADMITTED) ra/pe fet/ish arent helping.#sorry. this is a rant ive been wanting to say for a while bur have never got to lol#im just so confhsed by what this person even meant??? some of the bad shit shes done is IN THE SHOW. its in there#you can see it. with your eyes . help#anyway again this is literally the first thing i saw when i woke up LMAO if i completely misinterpreted this ask lemme knkw#the assumption that ive just taken the word of a few ''haters'' and havent done my own research into this topic is kind of insulting#what did you expect me to say....??? did you think id just be like 'oh ok :3' ans blindly retract all negative statements
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ok ok as soon as i develop the ability to understand clear instructions i will have nøkk with both autopsy AND top surgery scars in my game and then it's over for me
#i'm trying so hard with the unique tav mod but the instructions for it are not for my brain#usually when ppl make instructions they refer to things and what theyre referring to is clear as day to everyone but me i feel like#like 'unpack the xyz file' ok! easy! no idea what file we're talking about! cant find a dl or mention of it anywhere else!#and after almost crying i Get It#that wasnt specific to this mod but like me modding games in general#i dont have enough modding knowledge for this shit gdvdhdbkw#i feel like i'm getting a bad grade in computer#and like. i already do that at uni can we not do that irl too#wait i lied i actually get pretty good scores on classes about computers#it's radio technology and coding that makes me shed tears#leevi liveblogs
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did y'all know that apparently i'm a good dancer. who'd have thought
#i keep being told that irl lately#yesterday i kinda panicked from an assignment that requires awareness of my body and movement#(bc well. yknow how bodies are. esp when you're fat + trans + got chronic pains) (also i was off balance hormones wise)#and both our director and choreographer were surprised by that#they said that i seem to have very good control of my body and how to move it and such#which is funny bc ngl. i do not move much lol. i mean i used to barely get out of bed or off the couch before i joined this program#i didn't actually dance properly in years. in part bc my stamina is shit lmao 😭 which is also part of why i panic over this stuff#so. being told this stuff is 3 different types of distressing kinda#1 bc it catches me off guard 2 bc it changes my perspective of myself 3 bc i'm scared it'll develop expectations that i can't actually meet#anyway. been stressed by physical assignments and practices since i joined practically all the time#but i remember the first time i did i got praised for it. it was like. exaggerated acting like a silent film#and apparently i had enough control of my body to pull it off. again. who'd have thought#this is so weird this is a topic i rarely unpack bc i just assumed i lost all ability to dance or even control my body properly#and bc my body always feels like an enemy. so i usually don't even wanna try#but i'm going against my nature practically all the time these days bc i love theater and i love my group mates a lot. hm#anyway this was. a long and meaningless ramble#tomorrow we're working exclusively with our choreographer which doesn't happen much if at all so i'm a bit worried#i considered telling her i can't come but i feel like another day of rotting in bed won't do me any good 😭😭#vent#i guess. technically#letting out thoughts heh. this does help process shit i must admit
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Officially up to December 24th on the incorrect quotes I've written out to be posted. Progress! Only about 3 more months worth left to write out to post! I got past the hard part for my brain to write out (which was apparently August through November) I guess.
#snoweytrashposts#snoweytalks#snoweyrambles#snoweyrants#catching up#lost of tags for a short post#no i won't flood them#at most i'll post the 12 post chunks twice a day#i refuse to absolutely flood out fyps#and i don't like the idea of not being able to post anything but the backlog of incorrect quotes all day long#hopefully we'll be back to just the usual 6 incorrect quotes per day sometime soon#i'm hoping by the end of april everything will be back and balanced as all things should be#though i won't guarentee it since i'll be moving into a new house as of the 1st and unpacking will take about a week i think#especially if i end up helping my two dumbass brothers unpack like i have been with packing#boutta dump their shit in the nearest river if they don't start doing their own packing soon i swear#but there's hope for end of april!#the end of the horrible backlog is within sight!#i've done about 4 months worth already and there's only 3 more months of it left!
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loving gotham penguin but hating b22 penguin you will never see the light of heaven the deepest pits of hell will consume you
#particular odor that comes from those memes i just don't like it#also HE WAS WEIRD W HIS MOM TOO WHY DOES EVERYONE GLOSS OVER THAT TO THIS DAY I CAN'T BITE MY TONGUE ANYMORE IT'S BEEN A DECADE#that's always been a gotham fandom thing that makes me feel like i'm in the twilight zone i have to finally speak my truth#why do ppl think that's normal. why does every single fanfiction portray that as a wholesome loving mother/son relationship#every. single. one. find me the one that doesn't#let's unpack it it's been 10 years why are we still doing this#no one ever seems to truly get gotham oswald in fics. no one wants to portray him as the awful person he is and like why#that's the good shit#you can't imagine the TRENCHES i was in being a nygmob fan who favored ed while the show was airing#EVERYTHING was always ed's fault oswald could do no wrong. ever#and if you tried to point out oswald did a shitty thing to ed ohhh BROTHER#it's like they didn't even want a relationship between two villains man what game are we playing here#i brought my basketball to the basketball court and everyone's looking at me like i'm an idiot because they're trying to play water polo#and i'm like 'but there's not even any water in here....' but i'm being drowned out by a chorus of shut ups#anyway i think oswald and oz would like each other i would wanna sit at their table they'd be talking mad shit about EVERYONE#i imagine their dynamic would be the meme w the drag queens laughing and making fun of someone then one gets very serious and says#'i wonder if people talk about us this way.' then they just stare at each other stone faced. that
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diversity loss! local autistic forced to deal with plans being suddenly changed
#I am going. to kill someone#like I get the cause of this was something out of anyone’s hands. it’s not my sisters fault things changed.#but we went from ‘I’ll come down Monday + Tuesday to help you move then drive to the lake for the rest of the week’#to ‘actually we’re moving tomorrow can you make it a day trip and then leave Saturday for the lake w everyone else’#and like. sure. arguably this is a ‘better’ set up but. I fucking HATE change like this#especially bc it’s so late like. okay then guess I’ll fuck myself.#I need to go unpack all my shit (bc I was being GOOD and doing shit EARLY for once!) and repack for the new plans#and like. fucking emotionally prepare for this new change bc I wasn’t THINKING this was gonna happen. im not READY yknow?#idk. fucking. slams autistic diagnostic ‘inflexible adherence to routines’#my ROUTINE has been CHANGED (on top of ALREADY being disturbed by this whole trip) and it’s causing DISTRESS#< like. dw I’m fine i just need to be a bitch about it for a bit
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it's been a month since we moved into the new apartment -
I'm so stressed. everything is stressful. we're still not done building the kitchen but it's getting there (slowly). mostly we just need to wait until we get a couple parts that weren't in stock when we ordered the rest. I'm hoping it'll be done by next weekend.
some of it is very frustrating with my brain specifically. I'm so bothered by all the tiny little things that no one else would even notice - like, some of the handles on the drawers are very slightly crooked (as in, less than a millimeter higher on one side) - but for me it's so obvious that it's impossible to ignore. my husband didn't even know what I meant when I pointed it out to him. there's also been a few slightly bigger issues, but we've solved them now (I think).
my eye has been twitching for like three to four weeks. not all the time obviously, but every few minutes. it's very, very annoying.
we still have no new info about when we'll have internet finally. it could take a while still.
on Monday a guy has to replace something in the electric roller shutters in one room - but we don't know which one yet. so either I'll have to let him into my room (awful, uncomfortable, will have to tidy up tomorrow so he could even get to the window), or I'll have to get both our cats into their carrier if it's the one in my husband's room (awful, difficult, one of them doesn't like that so he'll be scared and I'll feel bad).
also on Monday the electrician will install our stove (if he has time). then we're getting two ikea deliveries. and I've got an appointment with my (new) GP because I need a prescription, and I'm very (verrry) nervous about it.
I miss watching TV. I miss tumblr and YouTube and messaging my friends whenever I want and sending them photos all the time. I miss order and structure and (some level of) routine. I miss using real cutlery (we still haven't found ours lol).
when I was finally starting to get used to the noises in this place, the family above us moved in with their baby that cries all the time very very loudly and most of the time right above my room. so now everything is different again and I'm not adjusting well and once again I can't sleep.
but, I've listened to 14 audiobooks since we moved! that's been nice. it was the same way when we moved the last time (just over a year ago..). my favourite by far was The Thursday Murder Club. I've got the other ones in the series but I'm trying not to listen to them too quickly, so I'm gonna listen to three other books first (one is done already, so I should get there on Monday or Tuesday hopefully).
#long rambly post sorry#I miss talking about the random uninteresting shit that happens in my life on here all the time#I've got data on my phone again now at least so that's good. but the phone signal is still awful indoors so it's not that useful#but anyway.... logically I know I'm doing an okay job with unpacking and everything but it doesn't feel like it#also I'm probably gonna have to try to find at least a part time job pretty soon and I'm really really really scared. terrified.#not just of trying to find something and interviews and all that#but that I won't be able to handle it. physically and mentally. again.#I've only had one full time job (an apprenticeship actually) and I lasted 3 months.#and at my part time job I only lasted a month#like. I can barely get anything done in a day as it is. I have so little energy. everything is so fucking hard and exhausting#I truly don't understand how everyone does it. I don't understand how it's possible.#but if I don't find something we won't have money for food next month sooooo it is sort of kind of important#it sucks so fucking much. I can't stand or walk for long periods of time. can't do too much with my hands. I'm not good at dealing with#people/customers. I panic and can't think when I get nervous (which is most of the time). I can't remember shit.#so like. what job am I supposed to do??? everything hurts all the time already and I'm always tired and I'm barely keeping it together#fuuuuck this#😭#personal
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