#and so for years and years i never thought too deeply abt the villains and now its weird to do so | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

liloinkoink · 2 years ago

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hey if you need an excuse to talk more about the movie 6 treebark au, consider this that. i'd love to hear more >:D

of course of course thank you for enabling me. hey guys here’s the fucking directors cut of this fic i posted two hours ago

this is going to be long and all over the place we’re just going to have to live with that. i just thought about this so much

here’s some details abt the fic vs the actual movie (and movie stuff i couldn’t include), details from alternate plot for this au, and some little details i want to call attention to with actual content and word/formatting choices

so, first of all, this is based off my favorite One Piece movie. the villain is a former pirate captain who lost his entire crew in a shipwreck 20 years prior, and now sustains plantlike doubles/fakes through luring other pirate crews to his island and feeding the crews to the Lily Carnation. the movie’s ambiguous on a lot of stuff, such as how exactly she works, or if the crew is aware they’re not real or if they know of what their captain is doing (though it seems no). the captain, known simply as the Baron, takes a special glee in leaving only the captain of each crew alive, so that they too can understand the despair of being “completely alone in the vast [ocean]” before asking them if they’d like to die. every single captain, apparently, says yes

i obviously didn’t go with that route, tho i do have an outline for if i went for the true movie plot. if i did, i’d have approached this differently, though there are pieces of that version in this one—the tall crown to hide the sprout on Ren’s head and Martyn’s magic flowers in his hair were meant to mislead anyone who might know the movie to assume the Baron’s stand-in is Ren, as Ren is the leader/‘captain,’ rather than Martyn

i picked Martyn for the Baron instead of Ren because, honestly, i wasn’t sure if Ren would have the stomach for killing so many innocents to bring his kingdom back. Ren has bloodlust, sure, especially on red, but he tends to have a strong moral backing about it. especially in third life. Martyn is… not always so ethically rigid

all the actual movie plot aside, for this i went more for the days after ‘revival,’ from the pov of one of the ‘revived’—which reminds me, actually!

my personal favorite fact abt this fic is Ren isn’t actually in it. the only third life character actually in this is martyn. ren is dead. the character called Ren in this is a double. he’s not real. he doesn’t know that, but he’s literally just a plant. like, legit—once the baron is beat in the movie, his entire crew turns into human-height saplings. they’re fake. ship of theseus’d rendog.

…my dumbest/funniest minor detail i used to imply the fact this isn’t ren: the lilies in Martyn’s hair don’t bother Ren despite the fact he mentions them being toxic to dogs / he’s “allergic” to lilies bc he’s not a dog anymore. he’s a plant

anyway/related, we don’t know much about the Baron’s OG crew, but the fakes seem to be pretty accurate. they help the Baron play games that separate visiting crews, and while they can be tricky or underhanded, they’re not outright evil the way the Baron is. they’re pirates, so they’re not kind, but i don’t get the impression they’re, like, supernaturally evil under the Lily’s influence. they also have a genuine love for the Baron, which he returns, however twisted it’s become. they go with whatever scheme the Baron concocts to defeat the pirates who arrive here bc they’re deeply loyal to him, but there’s none of his sadism. they’re also not involved in the direct killing/feeding, and i sort of get the impression the Baron doesn’t tell them about it, but that’s a bit headcanon territory

all this to say: while this isn’t Ren, the Lily hasn’t changed him. he’s preserved exactly as the original was.

this is, relatedly, the reason Martyn’s little magical mood flowers never change from the white lilies—it’s got nothing to do with the Lily at all. he’s grieving, his king/partner is dead, and he’s not addressing it. he’s constantly looking at ‘Ren’ and seeing what he knows he’s lost. this whole fic Martyn is refusing to address or process or heal from his grief, and thus, the funerary flowers stay

speaking of Martyn’s lilies, i want everyone to know the Lily Carnation looks like this:

she’s not even a lily. she’s adorable. she’s got a little bib for eating people. i love her

(she also has two other forms which i will lightly call ‘kind of uncanny’ and ‘deeply disgusting’ but we won’t worry about those, esp bc there was no way to easily fit either in this fic) (more on that in a minute tho)

related, if you noticed, i did specify that Martyn, in the Ren ‘revival’ scene, had not only white lilies, but yellow and red lilies as well to match her! also bc yellow and red lilies mean loyalty/new beginnings and love/passion, respectively (if i remember right), which was fun.

there’s also a few more little details that you might notice if you know the movie which i had a lot of fun including but couldn’t bring up.

the simplest is the big “life after life after life” paragraph is a loose reference to the really repetitive first line of the movie, the Baron’s call for “if you are a pirate among pirates among pirates amount pirates…” as a way to ask for the best of the best to come take on his island challenges (and be torn apart).

it also visually mimics (and, i hope, emotionally evokes) one of my favroite visuals of the movie, the reveal of the Dozens of graves hidden on the island. which is a fact i didn’t even notice till Haunted pointed it out lmfao. couldn’t find an image of that online, but here’s two screenshots of a scene taking place in and showing a very small section of the graveyard

(we don’t get to know if these graves are for the crew or the baron’s victims, though considering how large it spans in every direction from this point, i would imagine the latter. which is… as fascinating as it is horrifying. who is making them? the baron? why? i love this graveyard)

another example: the fakes can’t directly think about the fact they’re dead or else they start to wither rapidly. like, within seconds they dry out and collapse if made to think about their death by an outside force (and can only be brought back to full health by the Lily being fed). i couldn’t have Ren do this on screen in a scene in his own POV, so i compromised by having him start feeling sick if he poked at that particular mental wound too much. Martyn can tell he’s dwelling on it bc he starts literally wilting and steers him away

(the crew members don’t have death wounds in the movie but i think they’re cool so. now they have them)

it didn’t get to come up at all, but the Lily on Martyn’s shoulder isn’t her main body, and the actual thing is this… massive black tube with a flat face. (gonna include some images, so and i’m gonna say maybe? trypo warning for the second image)

here’s the Actual Lily from far away and an image of a few people stuck in her… mouth? people drop on the face and are absorbed alive. just so you can get a sense of how big she is and what she does

or, here’s the Lily form i called “kind of uncanny”

unauthorized fucking thing.

didn’t have any way to include that in Ren pov tho, uh, this is what happens to everyone Martyn leads away. i was going to have something about Martyn disappearing to some barren hill off to the side of the island on occasion, to go to the Lily’s true body, but i thought it would be too confusing to add this without explaining why it was there. sometimes you have to cut accuracy for coherency, it happens. besides, it’s not like the Lily can’t eat from her little body… but for that, i’ll just. say that the little bits of body horror i included were on par for the movie

hmm. one last thing i want known if my favorite line of the fic was this:

this was originally written to go in the first scene, but i moved it to the last one to delay immediate blame on Martyn (lingering desire from the ‘full movie’ plan). the Hand severed from his heart was threefold—Martyn loses the person he loves most, yes, but a literal hand cannot function or exist if the heart of its body is destroyed. also, Martyn loses his heart in that he loses the part of him that would care what he’s doing is wrong

also, the second to last paragraph:

the ‘terrible terrible thing’ is a Ren quote from the execution, in which he tells Martyn he’s going to ask him to do ‘a terrible terrible thing.’ so obviously i had to twist his words here for something he would never ask of Martyn

my final note about this fic is The Real Actual Person Martyn keeps up with One Piece, and he’s tweeted abt watching other One Piece movies, which means there’s a nonzero chance this man could read this and understand it, which horrifies me

#oink asks #anonymous #IM SO HINGED AND NORMAL

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brw · 3 years ago

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Here’s a tough one for you. Which comics characters got the most fucked up by the mcu? Who did they do the most dirty?

WELL, the obvious answer for me is mcu wanda maximoff. she's been whitewashed to the point of being unrecognisable (why does she have bright orange hair?? who fuckin knows!!), her powers are basically jean grey's but redder?? even her magic that wanda learned later seems to be an extension of telekinesis and telepathy and not, ya know, actual magic shit. her costume looks like it's been made of cheap plastic, it's ugly and anyone calling it "comic accurate" (you guys care more abt a comic accurate suit than... whitewashing....) owes me £300.

HOWEVER. this has been talked about extensively by a lot of people who have covered it in far more detail and depth than i ever have. so i'm gonna talk abt some other characters fucked up mcu adaptions, half because it's important to here and half because i was already considering writing posts abt these guys so thank you for enabling me anon!

MONICA RAMBEAU - monica, you know, first person to take on the captain marvel mantle?? one of the most powerful characters in marvel comics, lead the avengers for years, travelled to a satallite in space and back in less than a second, etc etc? faster than quicksilver, basically a immortal, could take carol if it came down to it? what was she in the movies oh yeah a child at first and then a character's who's sole motivation was to defend a white woman's mental breakdown that took the lives of an entire town away from them yup okay.

JANET VAN DYNE - founding member of the avengers person who convinced them to stay together the one who gave them their name who has lead them on more than one occassion, that janet van dyne. who's the founding lady in the mcu, uhh, fucking black widow??? like... what?????? and when it came to the actual ant-man movie she'd been replaced by an au daughter! not even her actual adopted daughter, nadia, a weird au character that is essentially jan but make her a little meaner. janet is, if you ask me, the most important of the first avenger. she's vital to the whole thing and they sidelined her for scarjo. you can imagine my fucking rage!

HANK PYM - like jan, he was replaced, by hawkeye's really boring abled imposter. maybe they thought it'd be too much for them to have TWO neurodiverse scientists on the same team, but his erasure was very prominent to me, ESPECIALLY in age of ultron. ultron without the family drama does not work! the whole thing was that ultron had his brainwaves too, it was an incredibly uncomfortable, sobering reflection of hank as a villain. without that it was just??? where is the interesting dynamics of this! what also rlly pissed me off is that mcu aou is based, obviously, off the comic event age of ultron two years prior. you know what the final message of this comic was? that hank pym, a deeply flawed person who'd made so many mistakes was still important and vital to the world. when he was taken out of the world, everything went to shit. when he came back, he decided to life life without regrets, because he realised his own worth in the world. hank has been... deeply suicidal at points, and as someone who's been there and is neurodiverse like hank this story was one that meant so much to me. and they changed that so tony stark could feel bad, maybe. you can imagine my fucking anger.

THE VISION - listen i do think mcu vision had potential to be an interesting portrayal of the character. vision by nature is a very negative character who has a lot of self hate and conflict based around their own personhood and trying to be human. mcu vision had none of that, and was a more cosmic being. i was interested to see how it worked! and instead of expanding on that, vision's only personality traits seemed to be "dies a lot" and "whitewashed wendy's love interest". like, comic vision is MEAN, that's the thing. i love the vision because they are RUDE, because they openly say that they hate humans, because they're oftentimes violent when allowed and very melodramatic and drama driven. they are a character marked by sad purple prose. mcu vision is just... so nice. where's their unbridled aggression? there was a hint of them being snarky in aou and then it never came up again. mcu vision started out so strong and then immediately fell flat into the mud. i am so incredibly tired.

MANTIS - oh lord, what did they do to her. mantis in comics is a half vietnamese, half cotai/kree experiment empath trained in martial arts who took out thor in her first appearance. this, to be fair, has some not great racial stereotypes. but making her a meek wallflower who delighted in being called ugly and disturbing by drax is just... like, what??? steve englehart at least also made her surprisingly nuanced; despite being interested in wanda's lover, vision, she never once was cruel or mean or showed anything other than kindness to wanda, she stood up for her fellow women, and he also loved her so much he put her in dc when he wrote there for a moment, which honstly, based as fuck. gunn just wrote a gross infantilised version of her, like honestly the difference between her and comic mantis is vast. they kept her powerful, i guess, but the personality she has is honestly so disrespectful to mantis. makes zero sense, either.

there's honestly way more if i was to think on it for a bit, but i'm pretty tired and i feel like this is enough for now. like i said, wanda (and pietro, but i guess he got out early by. dying.) is definitely the worst adapted, but i have problems with a lot of others.

#asks #anonymous #anti mcu #mcu critical #mcu wanda maximoff

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 3 years ago

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good morning mac ghostiezone catkiss i am here to take u up on ur dare. give me ur thoughts on c!wilbur Yes All Of Them. I Would Like To See. 👀👀👀 ^_^

ROSWELL I CANNOT POSSIBLY GIVE YOU ALL OF THEM AT ONCE this post will be like 84 years long. he is all I think abt I think about him SO much u don't understand. But I will give u the Essentials (the essentials are probably just Mental Health Issues but hey that's the kinda morning we're having so I apologize in advance) EDIT BEFORE I POST this got so fuckign long and this isn't even. half of it. I am so sorry

ok so first off. mans is an ACTOR. he has eldest daughter syndrome (gender neutral) AND gifted kid syndrome because. while phil used to bundle him in his wings and walk him through breathing right and calming down when he'd have panic attacks as a kid, at some point he got too observant for his own good and stopped asking for help. Logically he knows phil would have no problem with helping him, but he's already dealing with so much with Tommy and techno, why add onto his stress? So he spent all his time becoming the perfect son that nobody would ever have to worry about. He taught himself how to come down from a panic attack, how to hide the fact that he was crying until he could escape to his bedroom or a bathroom, kept up with perfect school work despite the toll it was taking on him solely so that he wouldn't be a burden. All his self destruction was hidden behind closed doors and long sleeves. And then he moved out, and things got worse before they got better, but they did get better for a long time! And then he gets a letter from Tommy, asking him to come join he and Tubbo in a new server. and lmanburg happens. Wilbur takes up the role of general and president really easily (he used to love history, he's read enough books about it so the script came easy to him).

The war left its fair share of scars though. Wilbur entirely blames himself for everything that went wrong (he was supposed to be better than that, damn it). He is INCREDIBLY guilty especially about Tommy's arrow duel with Dream, because tommy even asked him about it and he didn't do enough to stop him. He's still an actor, though, and the instinct to hide his suffering is still so deeply ingrained into him, so he keeps up appearances and stays strong for everyone else's sake. Shaky hands can be passed off as an old war injury (side note that is one of my biggest and most consistent hcs. wilbur has shaky hands baybee)

Pogtopia fucking ruins him. He was already holding on by a thread after the war but his and Tommy's banishment was a huge fucking pair of scissors and made everything come crashing down. He was totally numb for the first week they were in the ravine, focusing on building stairways and carving out rooms 24/7 so he wouldn't have to think about anything else. He had quit the sh habit after he moved out of Phil's house, but pogtopia broke him and it came back full force, worse than it used to be. Full scale addiction levels. He hid it from Tommy and Techno for as long as he could, but Techno caught him one night and he had to spill the beans (he still doesnt know tommy accidentally eavesdropped on that conversation). One time techno tried to hide everything sharp he could find and Wilbur got withdrawal symptoms so bad he passed out during a panic attack and almost broke his neck falling down the stairs. It was messy and terrible and unhealthy as fuck, and it's no surprise that he had the breakdown he did because he never got any help. He had a new script as the villain and he was clinging onto it like a lifeline (ironic, because he hoped it'd lead to his death-) It's not that techno and tommy didn't care, it's just. techno didn't think it was as serious as it actually was (not his fault, Wilbur was still hiding a lot of his symptoms), and tommy spent so much energy trying to make sure Wilbur took care of himself. He was only a kid, though, and it shouldn't have fallen all onto him. He loved his brother so much and couldn't stand seeing him fall so far from grace.

(Wilbur loved him too, more than anything, but convinced himself it would be easier to push everyone away. Make them hate him so his death would be cathartic for them instead of tragic.)

We will not talk abt the button room I basically wrote an entire fic abt how I feel about the button room so that's an entire other conversation. (Here's a song to make up for it though :) )

Same with limbo tbh. I have Too Many Thoughts Head Full.

After his revival, Literally Every little thing is overstimulating. we got to see it with Tommy even, after he was brought back after such a short time he was scared of any sort of damage and said everything was "so real" so like. Imagine that but multiplied by 13 years. Everything Is So Much. He's lost his script again, it burned up with his old body, so he feels a little lost. All he wants is just. Someone to care about him. And he knows he basi ruined that for himself, and a big part of his brain tells him that he doesn't deserve that love from anyone, because he's the one that killed it for himself in the first place. He can't help craving it though.

Im kind of running out of steam now for general hc writing but if u have anymore specific questions or anything I will gladly ramble abt him more just. man. c!wilbur.

#bitches be like 'hes my comfort character *projects all of their mental illnesses onto a sad man in a coat*'#i am in fact bitches #goodmormingggg i am no longer around cows and cats sadge #i miss them already #i now want to adopt a cuddly black cat like. immediately lmao #asks #numberstati0n #thank u for this it gave me smth to do during the 2hr car ride back to my apartment. heart emoji i appreciate u so much #jack conte and ajr are. wilbur and ghostbur bands. i have a playlist for my specific version of ghostbur and its like 40% jack conte

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incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 4 years ago

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[SPOILERS FOR LEO’S ROUTE❗️] okay so i just got to the bit after leo reveals what he is, and mc and comte are talking on the balcony & comte offers to turn her into a vampire if she would like. obviously mc declines but i guess my question is, how do you think leonardo would react if mc DID agree to that offer? i am enjoying his route, but i kinda get the feeling he mostly/only loves mc because she is human :/ im interested abt what might happen if she didn’t say no? thank you v much💖💖ly lots

Aww, ily3 hun tyty 💕💕💕I’ll offer my thoughts below, I hope I can answer your questions to satisfaction!

Ah yes, the point in Leo's route where I essentially get shot in the leg and limp through my walk of shame

Jk jk, but I think there has been a considerable degree of displeasure associated with Leonardo's line in the proverbial sand. No life with him can be spent as a vampire, MC must remain human. Despite his easygoing nature, he remains stalwart in his opposition no matter what the MC or Comte has to say. To summarize it quickly, Comte’s relieved exasperation at the end of Leo’s MS gets more across than I think any of my analysis can convey “Thank heavens one of you has good sense.” It offers the implication that he has tried to broach the topic with Leonardo out of concern, only to be met by a brick wall--or doesn’t try at all for fear that he’ll only ensconce Leonardo further into rejecting a greater future for him and MC.

As to how he would react I......really don’t think it would go well? Only because I think it would serve to reinforce the rifts that already exist in Leonardo’s self-perception. He would believe it was his own fault for pushing her in that direction, and while I don’t think he would hate Comte, he would definitely become estranged from one of his only close friends in life. (What GUTS ME about Comte offering to turn MC is that he is probably well aware Leo might beat the shit out of him, never talk to him again, or both--and he still fully accepts that he could lose his best friend to guarantee a future for both of them. Excuse me while I bawl in the corner) He probably wouldn’t hold it against Comte for too long, but he wouldn’t be any less aggrieved and hurt. And when Leonardo is vulnerable, he will hide and nurse his wounds until he can behave with some level of calm--or at the very least until he can pretend he’s okay after an initial explosion. He doesn’t feel comfortable troubling people with his own problems, so he tends to fall into silence when personal things come up. This doesn’t necessarily mean he resolves all of his emotional turmoil, or heals that fast; it only means that he wallows in those feelings alone unless they’re tugged out of him and worked through forcibly.

Basically, I see only one of two possibilities coming to fruition. The first is that he and MC would wobble only to completely fall apart if some kind of resolution could never be found. He’d continue to blame himself and start sabotaging his own happiness, and that would likely mean some level of selfishness directed at MC--resulting in anguish for the both of them. If MC takes on too much without complaint or Leonardo goes too far...I get the feeling that relationship would either end in shambles immediately, or result in a kind of twisted union in which both feel responsible for the other’s hurt but neither one can relieve it (until they’d be forced to split up before someone gets seriously hurt). They would be the source of each other’s suffering, so much so that the walls climbing between them might never again lower.

This might sound odd, but if there’s one thing that Leonardo needs it’s control when it comes to his relationships with others. It is a subtle, but acute trait that might not seem obvious knowing his magnanimous disposition. He decides if MC gets to be a vampire, he bargains with Sebastian because he refuses to be a test subject, he refuses to validate Comte’s conclusions (despite knowing he’s right) because he doesn’t want to cede the power silence/smokescreens offer his emotional vulnerabilities. Even around villains like Shakespeare and the final serial killer, pay close attention. Shakespeare begins revealing deeply personal information and wishes that Leonardo holds close to his heart on purpose, snatching Leonardo’s agency and ability to control how his feelings are being conveyed. How does Leonardo respond? With explosive, forbidding anger--instantaneous and barely contained, nothing at all like his breezy attitude and calm.

If you think about it, it’s a fairly obvious extension of the humiliating powerlessness by which he was raised (he needs to be in control; he needs to be the one who decides who gets to walk away and who doesn’t. He doesn’t come on to MC because he wants to, he does it for the sole purpose of scaring her out of wanting to be a vampire. He doesn’t even attempt to explain where he’s coming from because he falls into whole-scale panic. When he loses control of the trajectory of others--of how they perceive certain things about him--all of his charisma fails him. If he can’t explain or justify where he is mentally, when he’s too afraid they won’t hear him or care, then he needs to redirect the opposing party). Additionally, he feels responsible; that he can better adjust the outcome with his experience--and while that may be true for some things, sometimes he gets ahead of himself. Only an individual can decide their own future and their own happiness, the most others can do is enhance or worsen aspects of life. He doesn’t have enough faith that his presence is positive or worthwhile enough to guarantee his spouse’s happiness ;-;

The other possibility I see is MC coaxing him as best she can into reassurance that she’s happy with her new life. While he may have doubts, there is absolutely room for her to help him approach those fears little by little. If Leonardo has even a hint of doubt in regards to his dismal feelings about her being turned, a potential for acceptance may be nurtured. I don’t think his uncertainty would ever fully vanish; there will always be a lurking fear that a fate tied to his can only mean suffering and disappointment. Prove his worth and compassion with time, and this man will be unable to remember how life was lived before her. It would take a great deal of patience and a sizable obstacle, but it wouldn’t be impossible. His heart is much too big for that, I think.

I don’t think happiness with a turned MC is impossible, only that it would take a lot of work to swing it after a heated moment of decision. I think the way to go with Leonardo is a more enduring effort. He shows much more receptivity after years of being together. I think time, ironically, helps him relax into the possibility of forever as a couple. I think he cannot conceptualize a world in which he is in love, and that this love is not conditional--not dependent on his ability to be the perfect companion, the brilliant inventor, the equanimous mentor. I think he needs to see for himself that love can be gentle and real and whole even when he’s at his worst (by his self-perception).

Also I put some extra meta under the cut because I have brainworms and just can’t stop thinking about Leonardo rn so read if you like, but it’s more related to why he feels this way abt turning MC than necessarily about the outcome.

That being said, I'm conflicted because I don't necessarily think Leonardo only loves MC because she's human? (Rather, I think it’s more a result of his history and the values he’s developed in response to that upbringing. But I’ll loop back to this in a bit, so stay tuned)

I say this for two reasons. Firstly, I don't want to say that no person in this period shared his values (I mean look at Comte)--this would be an overstatement, even if it was rare. But it does appear that Comte and Leonardo are acute exceptions within vampire society in elevating human beings to an equal status among vampires (if not a higher status at points or depending on the person). As such, a vampire partner he’d be comfortable living with is unlikely. Human beings are more optimal in some regards (more adaptable and more egalitarian than vampires, most likely), but he also knows that he’s more susceptible to falling in love with a human; so he makes sure to squash his feelings or remove himself when his feelings become too intense.

Secondly, he's in close quarters with MC by necessity, and reacts to her isolation by virtue of the situation. That's probably half the reason they get together at all; he was fully intending to keep his distance despite his initial curiosity. One thing this signals to me is that even when Leonardo did feel attraction to any person he was in contact with, he would avoid them until they were removed from his presence--or he deflected their romantic approaches enough times for them to give up. With this in mind, it can come as no surprise that Leonardo has kept to himself for nearly five hundred years now. If it was another vampire hitting on him (especially a pureblood), he would be playing into his parents' expectations and would approach the vampire social hierarchy he was working so hard to escape. If they were human, he would deem himself a burden; he could never love them within the normal expectations of a human couple (growing old together, raising a family, etc etc). So ultimately I think it's less her being human, and more their compatibility and context.

As such, I think he just locks himself into a kind of Catch-22? Because in the end I think this is more about his own fears and insecurities--that he can never make someone happy, that he himself will never be enough (hello child of abusive home). Not to oversimplify his character, but one crucial element of his upbringing must be considered if he is to be analyzed properly.

There's something I often think about:

Comte, quoting Leonardo: "‘Not all parents love their children, or even think of them as such.’" [Though he got away and was able to make a life for himself, he had to do it alone.]

There is. A LOT to unpack here. While we may not have evidence of what his familia is like firsthand, this description tells us...so many heartbreaking things. It tells us that Leonardo never once felt like anything more than a child intended to carry on a legacy. The likelihood that his insights, his feelings, or his entire self-hood were acknowledged is pretty much at a hardcore negative three. While it's been a good number of years since he was the problem child/family disappointment, I feel like so many of those experiences seep into his capacity to properly accept the love of another person. It's a good portion of the reason he struggles so intensely with being loved despite his unfathomable wealth of affection for other people. When a person is diagnosed with unlovable and cringe for having positive feelings for others, it's not really surprising that a person might have trouble accepting a commitment or attraction to another person. There is...a kind of Sisyphus dilemma that surfaces in the wake of that kind of life, a constant push + pull between craving acceptance and either expecting it’s loss and/or fearing it’s disappointment. Though he shows signs of healing from it, there are still portions that linger. (Jean-Paul shakes him from this self-berating in his MS, but after four hundred years he still struggles to overcome those instincts. I wish there were words for the extent to which that knowledge breaks my heart...Many say time heals all wounds, but sometimes I think only others can heal them.)

Keep in mind, I don't think his enduring fallacy that "human beings are the epitome of untainted purpose and vitality" is irrelevant or less problematic here. I just think it's a reflection of a deeper disturbance and loss. It's a reflection of his parents' unilateral rejection of the kinder parts of him; his devotion to patience and understanding. It's a kind of reiteration or what he's already known: he's doing exactly what his parents did in an odd way, he's rejecting vampirism whole-scale despite evidence of both pros and cons (just as it is for humanity). I will always offer that his fear of something going wrong during the change is completely valid--but it does feel more like a fear of admitting that vampires (and eternity for that matter) aren't inherently awful. He ran away from his parents for good reason of course, but for all his running he didn’t escape their black and white logic.

It’s funny too, because his absolutism is kind of reflected in his inability to commit to a single discipline in some ways; while part of it is that he probably exhausts study, I have to wonder how much of him oscillating is a fear of eventual failure. (Think his reaction to MC’s knowledge that he can’t dance, his mortification and utter...shock that she wouldn’t use it as a way to make him feel terrible about himself). He probably prefers to hone his skills helping people because the motivation of providing relief is a much more powerful motivator than knowledge for knowledge’s own sake. He needs the impetus, that drive to move him.

Granted, I won't fault anyone for feeling like Leonardo only loves MC for her humanity. At first glance it really did feel that way! But the more I think about it, the more I feel it has more to do with the weight of his life's experience, and the parts of himself he hasn’t been able to reconcile.

Sometimes, with Leonardo, I urge gentleness. So much of who he is disguises all the ways in which he has been hurt. While his decision is selfish and foolish, it comes from a broken place. My unhappiness will always lie predominantly with the fact that he believes to his core that happiness and self-respect is something he doesn’t deserve.

#asks #ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp leonardo #ikevamp mc #ikevamp meta #ikevamp saint germain #ikevamp comte #er this response got a lot longer and more detailed than i meant it to be but uh #i hope it's helpful?#this is just how i tend to think about the game but then im also a feral leo stan alhkjadagd #im just that meme like 'i love you but i hate you but i love you' with leo LMFAO #sometimes u just gotta smack some sense into the man (which is why i love that Jean-Paul does exactly that HAHAHA)#but yeah most of the time i look at leo and have to resist the urge to cry and the recent event has been absolutely no exception #i would die for him

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an1malcannibal · 4 years ago

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So about that sog Kai au 👀👀👀 do you mind telling us about it????😳😳😳

ALSJJDJSKALAJSJSKALA GOTCHU BRO 🥺💞💞💞 thank you for asking!!!!! Beware.... long post time....

Basically this starts aaaallllll the way back in season 4, where when Kai became the red shogun, he got involved in even shadier and shadier business situations (he basically becomes a for-hire grunt/guard because he’s so good at fighting! As a result, he’s so deep in the underworld and it’s dealings that when the ninja tried to look for him in season 4, they straight up can’t find him. They use all of their connections, everything they can, but he’s completely disappeared, without so much of a trace past three months after Zane died. (This is a year later. They hadn’t checked up on Kai in a while, he had a huge fight with them before he left, swore he never wanted to see them again, etc. they decided to give him time and space). So they file Kai as a missing person, and come together for the search for him! A few days after the report is filed and they start the search, they get their invitations to Chen’s! Kai didn’t get an invite because even Chen couldn’t find him... so the ninja have to make the difficult decision to pause their search and try and go save Zane, only to have nya AND Garmadon show up because Nya came with him for backup, but then she heard abt Zane, and made the even harder decision to join them on their quest to get Zane. Season 4 happens relatively the same, only Nya was the one to become romantically involved with skylor instead of Kai (staff moment didn’t happen because nya didn’t have the villainous traits for the staff to bring out rip. But it did help connect her to her elemental powers a little early! Good for you queen). But anyways. Harm still gets yeeted, seasons aftermath is the same except now they have Zane and have to face the search for Kai, which hits them like a ton of bricks. Season 4 ends.

so when season 5 starts everything is pretty different, there’s no tea shop, because all of their energy and focus is on the search for kai, so nya hasn’t had time to rlly focus on trying to develop her powers, so later when she trains her skill level is abt the same. morro happens, which delays the search AGAIN. they are in very low spirits abt all this. season 5s ending and resulting effects are the same. skybound does not happen just like in the show :). day of the dead happens, season 7 is a bit more complicated but again, results for the ninja are the same. basically normal seasons, except kai isn’t there and they are generally in lower spirits because all of their free time is spent looking for kai, but they think he’s either vanished completely or.... something worse that they don’t want to think about. so by time season 8 starts, the ninja have definitely become much more lax on their search, not spending as much time on it, dealing with other threats. they hate it, but ninjago needs defending and they are the ones to do it. by time season 8 starts, they’ve stopped actively going all over ninjago. they just keep their eyes out during missions more, that kind of thing. MEANWHILE!

this whole time, kais been doing his shady activities. traveling around with different gangs until he finds one that have him work for them full time, however it’s one of the biggest organized crime syndicates in ninjago. all over the whole continent! so he basically has to travel a lot, and he goes DEEP undercover, because originally he didn’t want anyone to find him, then it became he was so ashamed of all the criminal activity he’s taken part in. however, after a while of stewing in definitely the WORST environment for this kind of thing, he slowly but surely has so much resentment, the anger, then eventually even hate for the ninja. it wasn’t near overnight, but it happened. he thought about all the hurtful things they had said to eachother in their last fight. how deeply everyone’s words had cut. how they all seemed to gang up on him, when he now knew he was grieving, and sure he was out of line a bit then, but did it really require that? them taking everything out on him? he thought about how it took months for them to even realize he was gone, that his last motel was a dead end and he hadn’t left a trace since. how they didn’t try and somehow let him know that zane was alive. how they had seemed to search for him like mad and then disappear for so long, almost at this point having given up on finding him entirely. he didn’t want to talk to them, but it had been nice, secretly, to know that they at least cared enough to look for him, to miss him maybe. he thought about how zane dying had fractured the team, but kai being as good as dead didn’t seem to meaningfully impact the team in any way. he was selfish for thinking this, he knew, but GOD it hurt him more than he could describe. all that he had done for each of his teammates. his sister. his family. his whole life he had done nothing but sacrifice for all of them, only for them to not sacrifice a thing in return for him? he is. angry. and devastatingly depressed about it at the same time. and he’s filled with so many conflicting emotions, because on one side he still truly cares about them, and would do so much for things to go back to the way they were. but on the other side, he is just filled with so much resentment and anger, hatred all built up, the feeling of betrayal and deep, gut wrenching sadness, all swirling together, clouding his mind, mixing with his deep, almost hidden happiness of being actually FREE of all of the hero junk, the responsibility, the destiny, EVERYTHING. he also, even more secretly, enjoys the fighting more now. he doesn’t have to hold back. he can keep going until he burns himself out because that’s what he’s paid to do, damn the consequences. he’s swept up into being more and more violent, even accepting a few hit jobs a couple of times, mainly to see if he could. he could. basically rn he’s an absolute SOUP of conflicting violent emotions and dubious morality. This is the state he’s in when he meets Harumi.

he meets harumi on a job, she was working with the opposite gang, starting to get herself into the crime rings so she could firmly establish the sons of garmadon, (this part might change a bit because i actually have to watch season 8-9-10 lol but i’m getting to it i promise) they end up outside after, ending up sharing a lighter and some smokes, causing them to start talking, and end up opening up a bit and bonding a bit. they end up sort of.... acquaintances. they will talk after a job or before sharing a lighter to smoke sometimes, talking about so many different things. eventually they end up talking abt the ninja and how much they HATE them, harumi egging kai on in his negative emotions towards him, revealing her parents fates. kai ends up revealing the stuff abt his parents, how he was forced to raise his sister from far too young..... eventually revealing that he was, at one time. the red ninja. never again to him though. never again. he’s begun to hate everything he once stood for. harumi has her suspicions, he fit the description of the missing red ninja, from broadcasts and flyers. this was just the kind of business where you don’t ask those kinds of questions. besides, she liked kai. and what better way to get back at the green ninja, the once she hated most, than getting his former teammate on her side?

BUM BUM BUM

So that’s it so far!!!! I hope u like this bro! I have a lot more details and fights in mind, especially when we actually get into season 8 lol, but I don’t wanna spoil anything rn!!!!! Lots of fun stuff I’m planning on posting lol 👀 PLEASE tell me what u think bro..... I crave feedback and criticism..... pls bro.... 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

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theharellan · 4 years ago

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THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: stolen from @dansiere tagging: @ghiassan, @deathsreflection, @altuspavus, @windrunnerrs (velanna), @hopewrought, @willbeshot, @seahaloed (iron bull), @asterfed (noctis), @ anyone who wants to steal it! also multis feel free to choose a different character

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated (i’m open to roleplaying with non-dragon age characters, and have AUs for other fandoms)

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. solas is both wildly popular and wildly hated. he’s been more consistently popular than the controversial women in the series, like sera or vivienne, who have only recently begun to get to the point where their tags are less vitriolic (although i’m sure it’s still out there), but there’s still a sizable hatedom that can’t have his name breathed in their vicinity w/o them talking abt how much they hate him. even if you’re currently cosplaying him!

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. again, you have ppl who are super into him and ppl who think he’s ugly. my personal opinion is that i think he’s weirdly pretty, and wish ppl would commit more to his unconventional features rather than try to chisel him into sb more traditionally attractive and that ppl who don’t find him attractive would maybe chill w/ calling him ugly. find him unattractive by all means, but lets embrace the fact that inquisition let their love interests have skin flaws etc and accept that some won’t be our cups of tea.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. its hard to deny at this point tbh.

Are they underrated? YES / NO / IDK. frustrating as the hate in the tags he has enough fans that i couldnt say he’s underrated w/ a straight face.

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO. he’s the reason the game starts with a bang and not the inevitable dissolution of the conclave b/c the sides are disparate.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. regardless of solas’ relationship with the inquisitor, there are parallels and contrasts in their stories and he also is the reason they survive inquisition.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. fen’harel is well-known and revered, if feared, among the dalish, yet at the same time he’s not remembered for a lot besides locking the gods away-- and the context of that decision has also been lost. as solas he’s relatively unknown until inquisition and especially trespasser.

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. again, polarising!! he has loyal agents and people are willing to speak well of him despite everything, including his enemies sometimes (depending mostly on the inquisitor).

How strictly do you follow canon? — generally i try to have a canon basis for my interpretation, even if i interpret the text differently than the author.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — solas is an immortal who is simultaneously jaded and very much invested in the small moments of life. far from being weary of the day-to-day lives of ordinary people, it is systems and orders he is most tired of. he walks an interesting line that feels far less misanthropic than other immortal characters i’ve experienced, yet still he’s quite cynical. as a character who has fought against religious based tyranny before, but in a completely different era, he is in a unique position where what he sees around him is both horrifyingly familiar and yet completely new. it allows an exploration of the wrongs of thedas’ society from an outsider’s perspective. his motivations are complex and multifaceted, often condemnable and yet also understandable. his character arc in inquisition (if befriended, or regardless in the case of my solas) takes him from a dispassionate, disconnected antagonist to someone deeply invested in the people of thedas, deeply conflicted and actively hoping he will be proven wrong again. i think his story is a testament to human (or elven, or dwarven, or-) connection and how even when we resist we can’t resist creating bonds with the people in our lives. i personally see this bond going beyond the inquisitor hence why i play low-approval solas as conflicted as high-approval, if not when it comes to the inquisitor.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — solas is selfish and motivated solely by revenge, he’s clinging to a past that clearly no longer exists, if you ignore all the people from it who are still alive. he’s totally unaware of all his flaws and never owns up to any mistakes ever. no, i haven’t listened to a single word solas has said in my life why do you ask. he’s also critical of my faves which means he’s #cancelled, there is clearly no validity to what he’s saying. ksjdf no but in all seriousness i think a lot of reasons ppl don’t find solas interesting are just... weird readings of his character that sometimes have no basis in the text of inquisition, but also there are plenty of perfectly valid reasons to not find him interesting. usually those ppl don’t like... talk abt how much they don’t find him interesting constantly tho. they just chill and aren’t invested in this particular villain. for one thing i think the game missed out on opportunities for exploring how someone who may not have even had a body at the beginning of his existence would feel about gender and sexuality, so making him presumably straight and cis was a boring choice. i also think that the dragon age games being very protagonist-centric hurts solas’ character, there’s no real reason why the inquisitor is the only one who can throw his plans into question but making the player the center of the universe means he’s not allowed to change due to the effects of other companions or NPCs. thank god this is rp and i do what i want.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — i have a history degree so when the inquisition companions were being teased, solas describing bias in primary sources from the memories he’s seen got me interested in him. but my first playthrough i didn’t actually take him with me all too often, i think my main party was dorian-blackwall-varric. i liked him, and i think he or dorian were my first friends in skyhold, but my initial interest was in other characters. between his dialogue that appealed to the historian in me tho and how his spirit opinions sort of turned everything i’d felt about spirits in the last two games on its head, i started vibing with him more the farther i went in. like merrill set me up for the “spirits are people” thing and solas hit it out of the park. then temple of mythal happened, and i did bring solas with me there. i found his dialogue fascinating and also suspicious, i’d just finished masked empire like the day before da:i came out so i definitely thought solas was an ancient elf in the same vein as felassan. it was after temple of mythal that i actually decided to make his blog, although like as one idk linchpin to cement my status as solas trash... i was hit BAD by the banter bug on my first playthrough, probably got like a dozen banters total. but then at some point late in the game i took solas to the forbidden oasis and he wouldn’t stop talking to people, and i really loved his banter with the rest of my party at the time.

What keeps your inspiration going? — replaying inquisition, new DA content when the bioware gods deign to grant us a lifeline, but the biggest thing is my rp partners. i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the people i write with, new and old. my activity of late hasn’t been the best, work and the summer heat has really been sapping me of energy, and does even during years when we aren’t going through a pandemic. but it’s the thought of my rp partners and love of solas that keeps me coming back.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? i have my doubts sometimes, but i think i do ok.

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO / SORT OF? there is no headcanon too small for me.

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO. but not lately * gestures to the low activity * i’ve been in this cycle where i get anxious abt late replies, so prioritise them, then burn myself out and can’t write the fics i want. i’ve had two i’ve been DYING to write tho i just... need to find the space in my brain to let myself.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO. i mean it depends on the day. if i work closing shifts at my store it gets very quiet and boring around 8:30 so i spent the next 90 minutes thinking about character stuff.

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / SORT OF?

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO / SOMETIMES.

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO / SORTA.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal? — i’m going to say ‘no’ because like, i don’t ask for criticism. this is a hobby based on my interpretation of a character, if you think i write solas too soft then you’re welcome to think that, but i’m happy with the balance i’ve struck with his internal versus external behaviour and how he changes based upon who he’s speaking to. if you think i’m erasing straight people by making solas pan then ksjdfs. ok.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character? — yes!!! even if they retread ground already trodden, a) my interpretation may have adjusted since the last time i played or b) a reminder is nice. if it’s new stuff then it’s fun to think about.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? — it’d depend on why they disagree. if they just disagree on a subjective opinion about what i took from a certain line, then they’re welcome to their opinion but i don’t necessarily care to hear it. if it is unintentionally hurtful then i would like to know. although rather than a comment i’d rather a non-anonymous message.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — same as the above.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — if they’re vocal about it i typically just unfollow / softblock if i was following in the first place. people can feel how they want about solas, but i’ve found over the years that if people really hate solas ooc it can often bleed into their ic interactions. it’s really weird seeing your character being brought up repeatedly in threads with others specifically to dunk on, for no reason other than i guess solas is living rent free in their heads, so at least we have that in common. but anyway unfollowing is just the best choice to avoid getting kinda pressed if i’m having a bad day.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — roleplay is the wild west of writing, so i think it’d depend on what the error was. coming at me like “you shouldn’t start a sentence with a preposition” would get a laugh, but i don’t edit my replies much if at all and mistakes will 100% happen. pointing out typos is chill so long as you do it politely.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun? — it depends! i’ve learned that being too easy going actually just means i’m subjecting myself to negative emotions to please people. so i’ve gotten less easy going as the years go by. how does one define “easy going” anyway? does asking that question mean i am objectively not easy going? the longer this thought goes on the more the answer seems to be “probably not,” but i like to think it could be a lot worse.

#( long post )#( ooc )#( about me )

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sunsmitten · 5 years ago

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This is something that’s been bothering me lately and i feel the need to give my two cents. im starting to see homophobic comments abt gay ships on my dash and while the people saying them may not think it’s homophobic, it is. no one has to really read this, it’s just something i want to put out there. it’s my personal experience with a group of people that were very Straight Ship centered, heteronormative, and would frequently make the very same comments others are starting to make here: “gay ships are being shoved down my throat so now i hate gay shipping and want nothing to do with it” or you know, stuff along those lines. if two people rping two girls kissing or two boys kissing bothers you in any way, literally, in any way at all, it is homophobia. and here’s a good chunk of how shit like that grows and can become something very harmful;

when i very first started rping on tumblr i had made an oc ( both the oc and blog are looooong gone by now ) that wasn’t very attracted to women romantically or sexually. he didn’t define his sexuality, but throughout that blog i made it clear he wasn’t really into women.

i eventually made friends with this group of people who also rped on tumblr. in the beginning everything was fine, great and fun! but after some time they would make me feel bad for only putting my oc in a relationship with a man. in order for me to be included and not repeatedly discarded by them, i would actively have to put my oc in a ‘straight ship.’ and unfortunately, that’s what i did. i immediately noticed a difference with how they treated me when i finally shipped my guy oc with one of their girls oc’s, and i would have to repeatedly sit through them saying transphobic and homophobic comments abt other people’s ships and muses ( it was the transphobia in this community that made me leave in the first place ). they would constantly express their bitterness towards m/m and f/f shipping on the internet bc it was “more popular” than their m/f ships, and when i would try to explain how that wasn’t a good viewpoint to have, I would be ostracized, guilt tripped, and forced to apologize and ‘admit’ that i was wrong.

as i got older and more comfortable with my sexuality, i really only ever viewed/read content centered around m/m and f/f because like. im gay. and i wanna see gay shit, ya know? but that didn’t really fly with them. they’d would continuously make me feel guilty for this, call me misogynistic for liking m/m and f/f over m/f because to them being gay and wanting to see gay content makes me hate women, and i was called the big word itself. Heterophobic.

one of the girls in particular, we’ll call her S, was very keen on telling me how awful of a person i was bc of my preference, how ‘straight shipping is oppressed’ on the internet and im only ‘feeding into the oppression.’ for 4 years she would manipulate me and make me feel guilty not only for the type of media i consumed, but for my sexuality in general. it got so bad to the point that i would have frequent panic attacks and i still got the throw up stain on my carpet to prove it ( i got one so bad bc of her i puked all over my bedroom floor and then fainted ). when i would try to reach out to the others abt what was happening behind the scenes, i’d either be ignored or my feelings were invalidated. to me, she was toxic, to everyone else, she was a wonderful friend. but that doesn’t excuse or make her treatment of me ok and it took along time for me to realize that.

again, please keep in mind this went on for 4 years. this started when i was finally comfortable with myself and then to be thrown in and stuck in this situation bc i was too much of a coward to leave really fucks with a person. her distaste, hatefulness, and bitter attitude for gay people/characters/shipping was all taken out on me every week for 4 years. i’m doing my very best not over-dramatize this but yeah, it was every week for 4 years she would send me paragraphs of how terrible i was for just being me. how shitty i was as a person, how im a terrible friend, how the content i liked wasn’t fair to her, a straight person, that i was predatory for being a masculine identifying person looking at other guys, and how lucky i was to have a friend like her that tells me when i’m ‘in the wrong.’

near the end of last year she sent me another one of these multi-paragraph messages. at this point, i had finally become very aware how fucked up of a person she is and how i was never in the wrong through any of this like she originally made me believe. instead of agreeing with her and apologizing, a ended up snapping back. i told her how i felt, how she wasn’t being fair to me, and that i felt she was being very homophobic. admittedly, her response wasn’t at all like i had expected. She apologized, told me i had opened her eyes to some things and she’ll work on getting better. this made me happy! i thought that maybe we could continue our friendship without anymore of the BS.

after that i took a good break from being online. i needed some time for myself and i needed to think some things over about my life. during this time, i realized how lax i was with S, how i let her and that whole friend group get away with so many things and i began to wonder if i should even go back. even after that talk i had with her, she was still very defensive against homosexual relationships and would get angry if someone expressed more interest in gay media than straight media.

i was away for a good couple months, i was healing and rising above that bad mentality she forced on me. i logged out of all social media and messenger apps so there was no way her or anyone from that group could contact me. i hadn’t heard from her in months, until i received a letter in the mail. She wrote me a letter. A two paged letter. A LETTER. A REAL, WHOLE ASS LETTER. just so she can continue to try and tear me down. she started by telling me how much she missed me, a little starter paragraph kissing my ass until it, very abruptly, turned into the usual “youre shit, terrible, bad, you have no respect for me or anything i create, you hate me bc im a straight woman-” you get it. but this time i didn’t care! nothing she said in that letter got to me like it used to. the only thing that bothered me was her persistence to make me feel bad. she genuinely wanted to continue to hurt me. but with that time away and probably because i was so used to it by then, it didn’t faze me.

i eventually went back to social media and kept my distance from that friend group. i still considered them my friends, bc when things were good, i had a lot of fun! and wanted to keep that in my life. But, I blocked S. I blocked her on everything so there’d be no way for her to contact me and if she wrote me another letter, i would simply rip it up. i made it clear i wanted to go our separate ways with no hard feelings, i didn’t talk to anyone abt what she had done. no mention whatsoever. i carried on my merry way bc i was moving past it. She did not.

When she figured out i had blocked her, she threw a tantrum. she twisted my words and painted me as the villain by showing out of context screenshots of what i had sent in response to her second to last message ( the one before the letter ). she told the people i was still friends with that i abused her for years bc she was straight and put me on full blast on the internet. she did this because i blocked her.

it all happened in the time span of a second; i lost all my friends, i was blocked by everyone and not only called a piece of shit by her, but by everyone i still cared deeply about. i was forced to delete all my social media accounts so i wouldn’t continue to be put on blast. for a week i was upset bc really, who wouldn’t be? but after that week i realized that if these people i called my friends just took S’s word for it and were all so eager to tear me apart bc she said so, they were never my friends. they never cared about me so why should i care if im not with them anymore? it was a real eye opening moment and my dudes, im doing fucking great. im so much happier without them all in my life and i can finally do the shit i want. be gay and indulge on harmless gay content.

so! to make the moral of the story clear. The people that are so butt hurt over gay shipping being more popular than straight shipping are people not to be trusted. it may seem unfair to lump them all into a category, and im not saying they’re all as toxic as S, but their mentality is homophobic. disliking anything gay bc it’s not straight, is homophobic. straight people are constantly represented in every source of media and if someone is bothered by the fact that gay people are indulging in gay shipping in the rpc, they are homophobic. there’s no way around it.

im still getting over S and all that she did. i know without her i wouldn't be as tough as i am now and unapologetic with what i like, but there’s a good part of me that wishes i never met her or that friend group. bc of her i struggle with my self esteem and my own internalized homophobia that only formed after i met her. i’ve come along way in the months after i officially cut myself off from them, but i know this is something that’s going to take some time.

#➴ OOC.☼#PSA;#sorry it's a long ass story but i feel like it needs to be said #im so so so tired of people complaining abt gay ships getting more traction than straight ones in the rpc #and anyone i see complaining abt it i immediately dont trust.#i rly went from 'im sorry im gay i dont mean to offend u :(' to #'idc abt ur straight feelings. die mad abt it. straight? i dont fuk with u.'#and that's what we call character development.#i was bullied relentlessly bc i liked to see two guys and two girls kiss and bc i AM a bro that wants to kiss another bro #by insecure straighties #Gay and Bitter

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denniezemclyon · 4 years ago

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My roaring voice

16.07.2020

I have been putting it off for quite a couple days now. I am having anxiety and have suffered from headaches for days and nights bcos of our current situation where my family's visa has alrdy expired and we are in deep shit debt, struggling financially. Dennis (my father) kept on bugging us to talk, he's come and gone here in our home since last month a couple times which is more than compared to the past couple of years since he's left us. He's messing up mom and our minds.

As much as I don't wanna admit it, it's makin me long to spend more time with him as we grew up deprived of a father but it hurts my pride, my whole being to know tht I still have those thoughts and feelings of missing him. Cos evn tho I'm angry, disgusted, cautious and lost my respect and def trust for him, there's still love. And I hate it so much that it's the truth.

Last time he went here, we discussed abt our current impasse. They argued as usual and kept on fighting with their tonation and their spiteful words, both him and my mom. But I've had it and just told them off, I tried my fuckn best not to swear and not to completely raise my voice and avoided walkn out (which I always do before cos I don't like confrontation). Then I had ths discussion with my mom.

I don't know whether to call it "coming out" cos I never rly hid it tht well but yeah.. We had exchanges of hurtful words. She got grossed out tht I was a "tomboy" which is hurtful cos she kept on saying she loved her queer friends and I find it very hypocritic of her tht she's supportive, understanding and consoling to them but whn presented the fact tht I am one she couldn't accept it. I told her tht.

To be fair, she always expresed her fears of having her children becoming queer or homosexual cos she saw how her friends were. The maltreatment, discrimination, shame and other stuff tht she didn't want us to go through. Which is her right as a parent. And within our current situation maybe she blew up tht's why she lashed out. And ultimately, she got hurt cos I didn't come to her. And I knew tht. Maybe I was deliberately hiding my thing for this girl, for wht 7-9 months? And my mom just found out now. Also, she might've reacted tht way cos I was tensed with her, distant, cold and nasty ass rude to her. I'm not justifying her behaviour cos godknows I'm fed up butyeah.. I know.

She said she wasn't sorry with her statements and conclusions but said tht maybe one day she might accept me for me. It doesn't matter tho cos I too am not gon be sorry for who I am. But I understood and didn't evn dare to argue with it. I am hurt, deeply, tbh but I can't force someone to accept me. Not evn my mom. I don't need tht. And believe me, I am not speaking out of anger or sarcasm. I'm just tired of having to feel tht I am hiding evn whn I'm not. So to put it simply, fuck it and fuckyeah.

Then Dennis and I were talkn over te phone, I let her hear it she went sniding on the side which is just irritating, I told her to "shut up, please" cos I was busy telling him off. I made some points and stood my ground and refused to be talkd over. I fought with him and made him understood tht he's condescending, he's toxic and just to stop playing the victim. He wasn't the only one suffering and made sacrifies, I told him tht and I will make hhim understand the meaning of tht evn if it takes ages.

I am so tired of playing piggy-in-the-middle since I was a child and within these past days I am learning to have a voice. Tho I hate it tht when I speak my tears won't stop and there's a slight crack in my tone. I was trying to be strong and stern and firm but I couldn't and I looked like a helpless child. I hate tht. But I am also proud of myself tht I'm starting to take charge. I'll roar and I will roar loud.

They both have issues with people, issues with each other being indifferent and issues as a child tht they bear and I want to save them cos I love them, I do. But in order for me to have tht chance, I need to save myself first. I will not stand for their immaturity, manipulation, woes, frustrations which is ther right and tbh not all the time they purposely do but yeah. I need to be brave and courageous not only for myself but for my dreams, my future and most importantly my siblings, my family.

I don't care if I end up being some villain in their stories cos when the time comes and it will come, they'd know tht we'e all just trying to be heard, trying to be understood and trying to be at peace.

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infinite-insignia · 5 years ago

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((I uh. made an edgy moodboard for myself. also a vent/rant under the cut.))

(( wasn’t exactly in a super angsty mood earlier but then I thought abt things and my brain went “man I really was a horrible person huh” so basically this is a representation of my edgy kin thoughts whenever they resurface. not even joking, some of the quotes are p accurate. especially the “killed my old self but the new me isn’t much better” one cause it reminds me of my death and honestly yeah. that was totally my doing. tryna be a better person in this life but I guess I can’t do that. I mean it didn’t work back then, why would it work now. tho if I give up on remembering my last life, I’d be giving up on what’s p much my purpose in this life. remember everything and use that knowledge to (try to) better myself before this human body gives out and this soul fades. cause I don’t think this soul’s gettin reincarnated again. not like I have another shot at remembering everything. but everyone tells me to stop focusing on the past. that it doesn’t define me now. but tbh? it kinda does at this point. the human life I’ve lived? yeah that was normal before I remembered what I was last time. and now it’s all I think abt--and to be told to stop thinking abt it? to be called delusional over it? to have people try and prove me wrong by telling me how I lived my life--or, worse, by saying it never even happened? it hurts me emotionally. like,,,deeply hurts me. I wanna talk to people abt things so I know someone’s listening. that someone cares enough to at least attempt to understand. even fake understanding would be enough cause I’d believe it was real. I’d have someone to talk to outside of tumblr, at least. sure, my psychologist knows a bit abt this stuff, but I only see her once every other week--and not this week. so I can’t talk to her. can’t talk to my mom cause she doesn’t understand and I know for a fact we’d end up arguing. she’s said it before--she wants her kid back. this messed-up delusional freak who brings past lives into their current one apparently isn’t her kid--but that’s who I am. that’s what I do. even among people like me, I feel alone. I can’t talk to anyone and it’s driving me nuts--but at the same time I’m terrified to talk to people because of the reactions they could have. I can talk abt it on here but to you guys it probably just seems like lame, delusional ranting. so I might as well shut up before I start to look like even more of a whiny bitch, huh. I say that despite knowing it’s hard to shut up once I start talking. ugh. man I went from 0 to 100 real quick in terms of bad moods. and it’s not even a bad mood? like I’m upset, yeah. but it doesn’t exactly feel like stress, it feels more like,,,emptiness. like I’ve dealt with this shit enough that I’ve figured there’s no point in stressing over what’s gonna happen every few days or so. my brain wants to mistake this emptiness for calmness--but I’m not calm. I’m not happy, I’m not content, I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I’m a freakshow brought into another life for god knows what reason. Phantom Ruby shouldn’t have had the power to reincarnate me but it somehow did. Ruby itself is here too somehow--it’s just super weak/faint. like,,,I can tell it’s there, but it can’t do much. I can’t even see it anymore or hear it out loud--it’s just like an inaudible voice, kinda like a thought that’s not actually coming from me. if that makes sense. probably doesn’t cause I’m just delusional apparently. oh well. can’t let my mom know I’m going through this cause we’d just argue. cant tell my sis cause she doesn’t wanna hear abt my kin bs. says its annoying cause I talk abt it too much. tho she also says it’s not an issue as long as I believe it and I’m not hurting anyone--and I’m not hurting people. not intentionally. I just wanna talk. have some sort of an outlet. but when most of my past life is full of war and murder and blood and stress and evil and destruction and everything else that is horrible, people are gonna judge me if I talk abt it. think I’m still some murderer today--which I’m not. definitely not. I regret the things I did. yet I’ve had someone tell me that ‘villains don’t feel regret’ and you wanna know what I did in response? pushed said person in a fit of anger. not a super strong push or anything, just enough to throw them off balance for a second. but like,,,you can’t tell me what I did or didn’t feel. sure I may not have regretted a whole bunch during the war, but afterwards? I was a walking ball of stress and regret trying to make a better name for myself but failing. waiting til the end of the planet, when I was the last living mobian, to do something abt it. and that something wasn’t pretty--it’s what caused me to move onto this current life. I get a lot of thoughts from various points in my last life, and those all cause a whole lot of emotions. yet, at the same time, I currently just feel like a void. an empty shell who feels the emotions but not the effects of them. the emotions exist but have no impact currently. tho that doesn’t make sense to you does it? wow. to think I was all happy yesterday over that follower milestone. ofc I have to go and ruin my own mood again since that’s all I’m good for apparently. might just go to bed early at this point. take the rest of the night off. nothing else to do. it’s either sleep or leave myself with my thoughts--the latter of which would only lead to more stress and/or empty feelings. anyway. I don’t want you guys worrying abt me. you can feel bad for me, try to make me feel better, but don’t worry. worrying abt me would be a waste of time. I’ll live. just going through another rough moment all of a sudden. but as long as I have a purpose in this current life, I plan to see it all the way through. meaning I won’t physically hurt myself or do anything stupid over this, so don’t worry. my physical health is just fine. mentally, not so sure. probably shouldn’t be saying not to worry cause now you’re gonna worry. whatever, I’ve been typing way too much. said more than I probably should have. probably look like an overreacting emo teen. but I’m just gonna go to bed and try not to let these thoughts get to me. tho my brain is most active right before falling asleep most nights so I doubt that’d work. gonna have to go to school tomorrow. no use in arguing, it makes everyone feel worse. it’s just gonna be a slow, crappy day. at least wednesday is a half day and then we get the rest of the week off for thanksgiving. not that we’re gonna be celebrating this year, we cancelled out plans cause my grandma’s sick and we usually go over to her place where she cooks thanksgiving dinner. but certain smells make her nauseous and the whole thing would be too much of a hassle, so we cancelled that this year. I’m kinda worried abt her. haven’t seen her in a little bit and she has another surgery in december. no idea what kind of surgery but she’s in her 70s and has been sick before so. idk. I do know I’m concerned for her and also myself. my own mental state is a wreck and idk what to do abt it. but for now I’m gonna go to bed. sorry for taking up so much of your time, assuming anyone actually read this whole thing.))

#Out of control {ooc}#News report {update}#This is an illusion {aesthetic}#The sharpest of blades {kin}#long post//#negative//#no talking in the tags this time #the post says it all #going to bed now. see you guys tomorrow afternoon/evening #or night. not sure #if I'm not online tomorrow I should be back wednesday #sometime in the afternoon probably #but idk. hard to tell with all this shit going on. too much to think abt.#but like I said don't worry abt me. I'll worry abt myself #you guys have fun doing whatever you usually do #don't pay attention to the edgy kinnie in the corner #who's trying not to let their thoughts get to them #go abt your own things. live your own lives #let me be alone for a bit. maybe sleep these emotions off.#maybe school will distract me tomorrow idk.#wow I said I wasn't gonna talk in the tags yet here I am #but hey. I'm apparently delusional and have no idea what I'm talking abt #despite knowing very well what I'm talking abt after experiencing the most kinnected shift I've ever experienced over the past 6-ish months #I know I'm not delusional but I let the comment get to me anyway.#it was over a year ago. before this shift even began. before I discovered myself.#yet here I am letting it hurt me.#just. h. need sleep now. for real this time.#might update you guys on my mood tomorrow or wednesday. we'll see.

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faunusrights · 6 years ago

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OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTERS 10 + 11

we had a week of peace and now we’re gonna get annihilated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have no clue how long this liveblog may end up but hell and high water i’m combining them both

she tore the jade pendant from her neck and flung it into the darkness.

let’s give a warm welcome, to sadness,

i’m very excited for all-new cinder content hhhhhhh if u havent gathered by now I Love This Bitch and I Love Her Many Problems so im thankful for this gift 😞

Cinder was a ruin, her pride carved and served like slabs of meat.

i can FEEL diesel n kc rly patting themselves on the back for every bit of wet meat they can toss at me!!!!!!!!!! U HEAR THAT I CAN FEEL U!!!!!!!!!!! but also i still love this shit w/ all my heart!!!!!!!!!! IM NEVER GONNA STOP SAYIN IT

She had never looked at Glynda’s files.

im so sorry cinder baby but that whole thing? is still HILARIOUS oh my GOD i cannot believe you fucked up that badly. u shoved yr entire head into a beartrap. u absolutely crapped yr pants on that one. yr gonna be thinking abt that on yr deathbed,

/looks at the chapter title again

hhhhhhhh im. so pumped. its gonna be hard to talk abt most of this w/o doing a million fingerguns a minute but i’m gonna try my best

Cinder approached the mirror and touched its silvered face with black-tipped claws,

I SAID IM GONNA TRY MY BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She was iron barbs beneath the nail bed, glowing coals underfoot, the singular capacity to do harm. She was a beast, armed with fang and claw and a deep, dark void where her compassion should have laid, and she was dressed for dinner.

HHHHHH god YES THIS IS THE CINDER IM THIRSTY FOR............ i literally cannot say anything that isnt a massive 👈😎👈 but AAAAAAA

like im reading thru this and i cant cherry-pick lines this whole bit? is SO GOOD... kc n diesel are Yet Again obliterating me w/ their mastery of the narrative style of offal hunt and i just love all of this i rly wish i could explain how offal hunt is EXACTLY MY BRAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F U C K

The final touch on her mastercraft disaster: the four sawed-off horn stumps which grew among her silver-streaked hair.

HOOOO B O I i am. Losin it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HER HORNS.......... CINDR...............

Wretchedly, she wondered: did Glynda even respect her now?

any other villain: my plan didnt work and im mad >:( cinder fall: my plan didnt work and now im mad but also mostly sad :(

CINDER’S TRYING HER BEST GOD.......... i literally hate how the remaster has made her So Soft, Actually... I BELIEVE IN U CINDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE U!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO YR BEST

Every part of her was hot and hollow. She was sick with loathing.

i LOVE HER.... CINDER I HOPE U KNO THAT YR LOVED... god tho i dont like how SAD I AM RN... cinder’s so small and the world is so big and wants 2 Shit On Her blease

honestly like. im rly- LOOK I SAID THIS BEFORE BUT. this is why im rly lovin the new cinder content because in the first version we only got glimpses of her internal machinations and now we’re in full-blown Always Sad territory and everything is suffering :)

She blinked. Her double did not.

‘well’, thought murphy. ‘that’s terrifying.’

she’d only survived thanks to a keen instinct for danger, cultivated during her tenuous teenage years.

i NEED. I NEED. CINDER BACKSTORY. all these lil nuggets dont constitute a meal! I WANT A BIG MAC AND FRIES. WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS BABY DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also again. the body horror of offal hunt? peak content. Im Lovin It

its getting harder to divine what is and what is not a 👈😎👈 because we got bits sprinkled around and theres only rly a spoiler potential if u glue em all together so im still being extra careful and the answer is blared in everyones faces so this whole kondor scene will go uncommented unless some Bullshit Happens which it will, so,

When she had become so invested in Glynda’s approval? When had a desire to be recognized as something inhuman, something ferocious, something black and terrible and capable of keeping up with Glynda Fucking Goodwitch turned into this?

oh! oh! i have the answer! i do! i know the answer! it’s you a lesbian,

The spectres of her youth haunted this city, owl-eyed children and fox-eared teens. They’d been a second sort of family, the only kind she’d had within these walls, and she’d wondered what had become of them in the past decades, but…

It was too sentimental, and she wasn’t meant to be a creature of sentiment.

oh boy okay wow

okay so actually this bit made me cry??? fuck OFF im losing it!!!!!!!! LET HER BE SENTIMENTAL!!!! LET HER HAVE PPL TO CARE ABT!!!!!!!!!! IM LITERALLY CRYING IM GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

She would go barefoot from this point on, her heels clutched at her side. When she left the hotel room to steal into the night, she promised herself not to look back.

im sorry im just. so sad rn. i havent cried over a fic in YEARS and we still have another chapter ago i hate this SO MUCH..............

here comes chapter 11

if i cry even once more im going to stab!!!!!! im not sure what BUT ILL STAB!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even without his wings, the Manticore would easily have been twice the size of any of the other Grimm, far outstripping them in sheer bulk.

HATI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HATI HATI HATI

holy shit we actually get to see him this time!!!!!!!!!!! WE GET TO SEE THIS LEGENDARY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS CHONCC,

also hes a manticore now which is, Radical, may i just say, and just a little bit sexy,

The effortless grace in each move betrayed power most Grimm would not live to achieve. Once he stood, he had to dip his head low to meet her eye to eye. His canines were the length of her forearm.

if u werent here for the remaster? we never even SAW hati but now hes here, hes Big, and rly thats all that matters,

Like a child who’d been allowed to lie and lie until at last they’d strangled themself in the web they’d spun, Cinder couldn’t speak. Could only wait on his verdict.

every single one of cinder’s inherent themes is killing me and this business w/ family? stop. im dying. this is rude

The scant space between them popped and cracked like an sparking flame, warm and effervescent, and this time, Cinder lingered, hugging Hati close.

IF I CRY ONCE MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF U ASSHOLES MAKE ME CRY ONCE MORE I WILL DOXX YOU,

aaaaaaaaaaaaaah im loving this content i rly dont have words for it dhjfgsdfgjh i just, rly like the words, and the order theyre in, and i honestly keep forgetting to liveblog it cause i just wanna READ EM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tempting as it was—as it always had been, ever since she’d left the relative safety of the wastes and learned what happened to scraggly-limbed teens with horns and fangs and gleaming eyes—

with every chapter i desperately have 2 kno more abt baby cinder i HAVE to know i am so. UNBEARABLY CURIOUS... baby cinder what happened... what happened 2 u....

A lantern’s glow warmed her, bleeding into the darkness leeching at them both. It was a gentle gold across her skin, and like an answering signal from a distant outpost, Cinder saw a flush of light through the dark fur lining Hati’s throat, as though flames licked at his insides.

i forgot. that cinder glows like that when she feels Loved or full of pride and you know what i dont like these chapters. they were made to hurt me and i Dont Like That (im mclovin it)

From the safety of Hati’s neck, she found it easier—after all this time, he was still her bastion.

WHEN YOU REALISE? THAT YR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES?? STOP,

For a regular person, the machine would be able to draw out short bursts of power, the likes of which no Semblance could ever channel. The taxation would eventually destroy the soul so deeply, so thoroughly, as to leave it empty for good.

For a Witch? For—

the fact. she cut herself off before she could think ‘for glynda’. has me on the FLOOR. this bit is just So Much i dont like it

Glynda Goodwitch would not abandon this hunt. Cinder knew it, had read it from her palms like an open book—Glynda Goodwitch did not know how to stop. If it had been anyone else on Remnant, they might never return, might never pull themselves back into action after today—but Glynda did not have a shred of self-preservation.

me, knocking against cinder’s head: u kno for someone w/ so many schemes in yr brain yr pretty dumb and gay, huh,

firstly let’s talk abt cinder’s “””””””””””””””””””self-preservation””””””””””””””””””” instin-- whats that? not found? yes

[Glynda’s] eyes were empty, hungry, insatiable.

i feel like ive read this line before! lets jump back a chapter--

In [Cinder’s] eyes, there was a subtle, endless hunger.

WAKE UP CINDER SHE’S YR SOULMATE!!!!!!!!!!! THE COFFEE’S READY U CAN SMELL THE BACON FROM HERE WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With a fluid leap, they were in the air, the ground quickly shrinking beneath them. Pressing her face against his neck to shield herself from the wind, she closed her eyes and prepared herself for what was to come, trusting Hati to deliver her safely.

that said i ADORE my boy hati is literally the best part of offal hunt kc and diesel do not interact,

He was frozen in horrific anticipation, like watching an imminent tragedy and being absolutely helpless to stop it. Like all the tension was mixed with grief and hopeless, futile fear.

when will offal hunt be nice to me. when will any of these characters get to be happy. hello. im full of sadness.

The sound was like a saw working back and forth, but resonating inside her head, rattling every tooth in her jaw, deafening to her ears.

im literally gritting my teeth at this i can hear it in my own head and its Very Bad!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

okay god i can barely handle to quote anything more this bit is hurting ME so lets swiftly move on before I Die

Cinder closed her weary eyes, sinking into sleep like a shallow grave.

BE NICE TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BE NICE TO HER JUST THIS ONCE, PLEASE, IM BEGGING YOU,

They only knew death, only ever sought death; fangs and claws slicked with blood, magic rending meat and marrow apart, and everywhere that choking, scalding heat, spilled blood like magma, like the core of a planet.

hmm... that seems like a 👈😎👈 ~reference~

They were all alert, ears pricked, hackles raised like Hati’s. They all fixed on the same spot, somewhere beyond the darkness of the cave opening, and though she could barely think, she knew:

She was out of time. The Witch was here.

oh no.

okay so THATS CHAPTERS 10 AND 11! i only cried ONCE and u kno what thats. a Victory. these two chapters were VERY GOOD i rly loved em and i can tell new readers r gonna have a blast w/ this shit!!!!!!!!!! meanwhile i, a veteran reader, am full of peril,

terrible.

#rwby #offal hunt #liveblog #in this liveblog murphy ACTUALLY CRIES

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gayneral · 6 years ago

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All those flowers, my dude

First of all thank you for asking, this will be longAlso as this took me almsot two weeks already I took the liberty of leaving some queastions out so I wouldn’t take even longerSince this was answered over a longer time span some questions that are aimed at certain days may be slightly outdated (ed what are u wearing today and such)

Alisons: Sexuality?I’m gay my dudes

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?He/Him, male

Amaryllis: Birthday?My Birthday is in June

Anemone: Favorite flower?This is gonna sound lame as fuck but I rly like roses, red ones in particular

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?I can’t choose but here are some favorites:

Peaky Blinders, I’ve watched this one so often,,, Cillian Murphy was what got me into it and I stayed for beautiful scenes and atmosphere and the gang drama

Gotham, Let’s be honest, the best thing abt dc are their villains (also suuuuper into Robin Lord Taylor as Oswald)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine and The Office, i like these because they are easy, nice and satisfy my need to have something running in the background while I’m at home. (Also insanely sweet in the case of BB9)

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?One I still remember strongly is from two boys kissing “you should all live to meet your future selves”

Also many of the poems by keaton st james deeply resonate with me so check those out (most are religious-ish just in case that’s a no no for you)

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?I gotta be boring and say water

I like hot chocolate and a special kind of peach tea and some soda I drank in brazil but water,, yeah I drink that most,, love hydration

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Nope

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?I am, right now, at this very moment

Baneberries: Favorite song?I can’t give you an all time favorite so here’s a random favorite I currently like listening to: Sedated by Hozier

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.My family is not very big and actually hasn’t been a family for a very long time. Namely it’s my dad, my sister, my grandparents, my dads wife, her son, our dog and I. I have never experienced family in my youth so sometimes when I’m with them it’s all very odd. And sometimes it’s stressful. But it’s the first time I actually miss family when I’m alone at home, far away. I speak about my father and my grandparents further below but my sister is very sweet and I’m pretty protective of her, she and I get along a lot better now than before which is a common trait as ull see later.

We often take care of things, and are probably the most planning of the family. My dad’s wife is very good to talk to, having a very different perspective from my own and will always offer up advice. Her son is currently in pirperty and more interested in playing fortnite than anything which makes for some explosiveness at home. Our dog is cute and perfect that’s it.

Begonia: Favorite color?I like blue tones, but a dark, rusy kind of red is cool too

Bellflower: Favorite animal?Dogs Dogs Dogs. By far my favorite animal, they fill my heart with joy. Next up, Giraffes, funny big boys

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?Morning I think, I definitely work best early.

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?I actually never really had a dream job as a child. Not that I remember at least.

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?While I generally ain’t a big fan, like I’m someone very based on conversations so obviously that’s hard w kids. I am growing more to them. I’m far from wanting one but I think children are special in their.. Like innocence. They are beyond all the bitterness and hatred that we adults have. If only parents would be better lmao

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?I’m afraid of many things. Change for example. And failure. I think that might be because being perfect was important when I grew up and whatever I did it was never enough to my mother especially. Perhaps that has become so deep rooted that I tell myself I can not fail, which makes me very nervous and makes me worry too much.

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.I spend lots of time on building sites and in hardware stores because my grandparents have houses and my parents often would work there too.

Buttercup: Relationship Status?Single

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?God I don’t know, I think it’s probably when I’m with someone I care about and it’s easy and light and fun and I feel comfortable and they tell me that they like being around me, or that I made them happy with something.

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?Nope,wanted to have some but money and shit

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings? I have my ears pierced, but it’s the earlobes so the most basic thing

California Poppy: Height? I insist on 1,70 at least, I will not accept being under that.

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?In a way, yeah

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?My new boots, black pants, winter coat, black jacket, a blue button up and a lord of the rings shirt underneath. Obviously underwear

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?When I was a child for sure

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?A person from school, who’s also in fashion design, but a few years above me that I got to know bc of cosplay.

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?My Ex

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?God idk, I like oldish looking ones, elegant ‘n stuff

Columbine: Are you tired?Nah, actually not rn

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?Sam visiting me in March

Coneflower: Dream job?I’m not sure, definitely something w sewing but idk if I wanna go theater or my own things

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?Introvert

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?Yeh

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?Very very far

I’d say I’m pretty damn loyal and also give myself up easily even without noticing. If someone has my love and my loyalty they have my everything basically. Would I commit a terrible crime? I don’t know. Would I be real mean to someone or punch them? Yeah, if it’s reasonable w the situation I would (would it be affective? Not sure)

Give myself up? If we’re thinking real dramatic..maybe yeah

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?Gemini

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?Funny or stupid things? MaybeOtherwise honourable stuff, i don’t think so, i don’t view my actions like that.

I mean I survived, that’s pretty cool

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?Above mentioned survival. Which includes making it out of my mother and her boyfriends abusive grip and household. Moving away. Being true to myself. Dragging myself out of the hole I had fallen in for a while. Getting close w my dad and family. Believing more in myself and stopping things that are not good for me. Getting an apprenticeship that I like. Moving forward in life

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?If it’d be my dad I’d sit down with him and ask him why exactly. I have had a relationship before in which I did not see how badly I was treated/ that I basically searched someone like my mother. So I’d listen, perhaps to prevent from making the same mistake again. If it turns out it’s nothing reasonable I think I’d tell him that I will pursue the relationship anyway and ask him to respect that and be as nice as possible to my partner.

If it’d be my mother.. No surprise she doesn’t even like me and honestly I wouldn’t give a shit.

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?Did I say it? Not sure but written it in a letter, it was Sam

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?If my grades speak for themselves it’d be my apprenticeship, or like idk working hard about something I enjoy. I take this very seriously and give it everything I can. I’ve been told I’m good at talking, not sure if that’s true

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?I’m envious. It’s not that far that I am not happy for people, I think i generally have it under control but sometimes it gets the best of me and fills my stomach with nasty emotions.

Also saying stop. I do a lot for people, and I’ve been prone to letting people use and step on me for too long xnot standing up for myself

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?The past month was actually absolutely terrible so not much to find here.Uhm..the bad thing that happened got our family closerI spend Christmas and new years w my familyI got amazing gifts and letters from my friends

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?Stressful. I worked on my semester project and I feel like hardly anything worked

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?I’m moving towards a happy place. But I’m definitely doing a lot better already

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?Finish my apprenticeship, surgery, be able to make my own money so I don’t have to rely on my dad so much (he does enough for me already) and so I can get more distance between my mother and I

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?In no particular order

1. Dogs, god whenever I see a dog I’m happy because they are so cute and loyal,,,,,,,

2. probably everyone and their dog says this but my friends, honestly, I don’t know where I’d be without them. They helped me through terrible times in my life, are a constant source of love and joy to me.

3. my family. Since I didn’t have that for a long time I cherish it even more now that I do. It’s amazing to have a family that supports you behind you. I’m super grateful for everything they’ve done for me

4. the possibility to do the apprenticeship that I want to. it’s not always easy,,,I lack the money lmao but I’m so grateful that I can do this, because it makes me feel like I’m actually worth something in the working,adult world. I’m good at this

5. music. I listen to it so often, I can’t imagine not having music

6. sunshine, there’s something wonderful about going outside and feeling the warmth of the sun on your face, when it’s spring and winter has just gone by and you just have to smile because everything is bright and you’re surrounded by light

7. myself. Listen I dislike myself as much as the next guy but I’m working on appreciating myself and I am insanely proud of myself for coming as far as I have come. I don’t let myself feel it very often but having myself, it’s a good thing. I know my younger self would be very happy knowing that I did all those things for us.

8. something that makes me happy is creating, might it be art, or sewing or writing, anything really. It’s a pain in the ass and frustrating at times but I love looking at something knowing I did this, finishing it. And then looking back at it later and seeing how far I’ve come again

9. playing video games. It’s just fun to lose yourself in a story sometimes.

10. Christmas Markets. I don’t like Christmas itself. But I love the Markets, it’s the atmosphere of it. The food smells amazing and there are all those lights and there are kids with actual shining eyes because they see Christmas so magical and they are in awe by all the lights and honestly I feel the same awe sometimes when I’m on those Markets

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed? Hardly anything lmao. Listening to music. Distracting myself with either talking to someone or playing/watching something. Tho that often makes me feel guilty on the long run. What helps if stress is overwhelming me is writing down what it is that is stressing, like making a list and trying to untangle the mess, looking at what I have to do one by one

Hellebore: How do you show affection?Since I’m A big fan of honesty I usually just say it. I like to tell people when I get some emotion. Like just telling them that I appreciate them. I think it’s nice to just be told that sometimes. Besides that I do things, like I’ll send anon messages or offer help just assisting somehow. Like not always outright having them know it’s me,like affection from afar. And well I’m helpful when I care abt someone especially, like “I can do this for you”

And being super openIt’s not alway clever as experience has shown but to me offering up things about myself means trust means affection in a way. Like giving a part of myself to someone. lmao

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?Making it to this point, I wasn’t in a very good state just a bit ago. But with the help of my friends and family I made it out of it. I have an apprenticeship I enjoy, I have my own flat, I have something to stand up for again. I can appreciate myself some more. I was able to see toxic relationships i was in and get away from them and not let myself be guilted but seeing them for what they are and acknowledging that while I am not a saint it doesn’t mean that I have to accept any treatment. I stood up to my mother, even if just a bit that was a huge step for me.

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?I barely had any of it recently so I can very much put what I want to do. Which would be drawing. I haven’t done that properly in so long and I miss it. Like both sketching stuff on paper but mostly full pictures, sketching, lining and colouring somethin. Having a full art piece at the end. Also Play Games. And talk to my friends. Haven’t had a nice hour long convo with Nina or Charlotte or Sam in ages and I hate that.

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?That’d be Charlotte and Nina

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?I would hide away in my room and imagine. Invent stories, characters, anything to distract me from how unhappy I was. I would act them out in my head when I laid in bed so I could sleep.

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?I did not treat someone that I care about very well a few years ago, I didn’t give them the honesty they deserve. I was an asshole. Even if we spoke about it, I still feel very bad about it.

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?Indulging. When I have things to do but take a break I always feel super guilty for not doing anything.

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?It seems it comes from the Roman name Julianus, and was the name of a pangan Roman Emperor as well as a name of saints. Sometimes meaning youthful which fits because I look like a baby

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.I grew up in a big city in Germany. Very busy City with high buildings and no time. I lived in a flat when I was very young, a room with big windows where I’d sit and look out ot. Then we moved into the house my dad still lives in. Where houses were built in rows and more people knew each other, I’d walk home and pretend to not see them as to not have to speak to them.

Then I moved in a beautiful flat in a more busy part of the city, with a bookstore in the same building and a supermarket right down the street. My hometown is best described in the colour grey. I dont think it very pretty if I’m honest.Still its full of memories and not half as bad

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?Talking about the one in the house. Light peach coloured walls. Small but with big windows to look out of. An old wooden bed in front of one Window, and even older Closet next to the door, already so old that it had been ancient when my dad had been young. A desk in one corner at the other side of the room, above it shelves filled with books, little trinkets on the windowsills. Cabinets filled with paper full of secrets. Posters on the Walls and a round mirror that I hated looking into when I was young.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years? God no. I have repressed most of my younger years. My teenage years were filled with confusion and self doubt. I was a mess, I hated myself, not knowing who I was. And then knowing but being shamed for it, hiding away and keeping my head low to survive. Pushing myself to the limits and clinging to the thought that I could escape at age 18

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.My Mother and I are not on good terms. I’ve spend countless of years desperately attempting to please her, hoping for love or anything close to it. I was constantly let down by her. My mother is someone that I fear I’ll never understand, adapting to the men that she is with. Claiming to have reached compassion and selflessness while being the opposite. Acts childish and has never accepted or supported me. Now attempts to lure in my sister whom I fear for as she’s always wanted my mother to love her. I have estranged from her very much and currently I am happy seeing her as less as possible.

Onions: Tell about your dad. I remember my father as a very autocratic person in my youth. He’d always work and would only be home to cast judgement. We did not get along well, and my mother, like grima wormtongue, had influenced me further into seeing him as a terrible person. Now I see him very differently. In fact I am similar to my father. Hard working, well spoken and crafty. We share a similar humor and I am very thankful for his support over the last year. To me my father is a very good example of how sometimes people can actually change, sometimes second chances will not disappoint you. My father cares very much about our family and I am happy to have gotten close to him again.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.I won’t lose many words about my mother’s parents as there isn’t much to say about them.My mothers father was always sick, more often because he believed he was. The years before he died it had only gotten worse. My Grandmother was never really happy in that relationship, something I believe she handed down to my mother.

My fathers parentsWell, when I was young it was difficult, they aren’t exactly children people, despite trying. I especially had my difficulties with my grandmother, who was work above everything and wanted everything to be perfect.I remember her always fixing my clothing. Countless of instances of her and my dad arguing.

When I got older we had barely any contract until I had my coming out to my dad, who told my grandparents. Much to my surprise and I still respect that so much, they were immediately supportive and accepting, perhaps even more than anyone else from my family.

In the last year we grew closer. They helped me with my flat and would come over to set up a few things. I took them to a restaurant that my grandfather would always talk about whenever we talked, happily.

My grandmother and I had phone calls at least once a week, she was also the most interested in my apprenticeship, always curious, sending me old magazines and ideas she had. As well as button ups and shirts she had bought for me or old ones from my grandfather.She offered me support when we talked, told me they’d do anything they could

When my sister and I were getting clothing for my grandpa, as he was saying with us, I found a book on my grandmother’s bedside table.It was an educational oneIn it was also an article she had cut out of a newspaper, the title saying how the support of the family is the most important thing to lgbt children.

I miss my grandmother

Peony: What was your first job?I worked a summer at my mothers workplace. Cleaning watches and watch straps, replacing small things on the straps

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?We met 2014 on a cosplay convention in the city I grew up in. We met on the first day of that, where we all hung out in a group and then he and Charlotte spend the next day w us as well.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?I bottle it up, focus on something that keeps me busy. Sometimes other people’s pain or doing things for them. Distraction from thoughts really. I’m best when I’m busy

Pink: Where is home?If you’d asked me a couple of months ago my answer would’ve been easy and quick. But now phew, I mean I call my place home as in “I’m going home” and I call my dads place home as in “I was home over the holidays”

But I’m not sure, not really

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?I could go endlessly both about important historical events and tragedies as well as personal mishaps and bad choices. But eventually I actually think this is too big of a question to answer like this. I’m generally better in speech than word when it comes to things like that

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.Steady. As in a job that I like, that provides me with enough money to survive well. Not to worry about everything. Having Dogs, as that I something I always wanted. Living somewhere in the city (always dreamed of a Fachwerk House but yeah…), with the possibility to visit my friends that I am in good contact in. Living with love and happiness. With a connection to my family still as good as now. Perhaps with someone,,,

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?I love the sound of paper, like books, pages turning, things like that. Also soft rain

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?I’m a Class A represser. So it’d probably be many things centered abt my mother.

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want? I want my semester presentation to go well tomorrow. That’s all I care abt rn

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things? It used to be harder in the past but I’ve gotten slightly better at it. I’m still struggling with feeling but it’s a work in progress.

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?My Friends and Family, cheesy I know but over the last year I’ve become more set in that. Once more I noticed how much strength those can give you. And also noticed how important they are to me by the way things that happen hurt me

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?7 hours, couldn’t fall asleep at first but that’s usually my minimum of sleep

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?School. I have a timed, strict schedule thanks to that and it forces me to get up until a certain time in the morning. That helps a lot actually

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?I’m still in an apprenticeship but I enjoy it a lot

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?I have a new pair of shoes that are so beautiful I wish I had the look and body and style to wear them day to day. Also got some cool button ups

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.Look at this and you’ll see first hand https://www.pinterest.de/Gayneral/

I’m sorry I’m bad at desctibing my aesthetic. It’s like, historical stuff, museums, snowey Fachwerk, religious themed things, bee themed things, watches…

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?My semester project is due to two and a half weeks and I’m super nervous about finishing it like boooooy

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?Sadly I’ve been super busy recently so I’ve only been able to read a tiny bit in my holidays, Acht Nacht by Sebastian Fitzek

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?Still in school, doing good, and enjoying it

Still having a good relationship w my father, my sister and that whole family

Still good with my friends, hopefully seeing them more often

(maybe in a relationship pls don’t @ me)

Generally happy, not having to worry too much

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?Thanks to tumblr I do, and I hate it

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.I take my school very seriously. And I have zero tolerance for those in our school that don’t.

#you wanted to know #ninjago #answered ask #ask game #ask meme #pers: negative #redbluemaiden #long post

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kokeggy · 7 years ago

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my brain is filled with ouma and i cant stop it

i totally forgot the time man, its almost been 2 months since i played the game and it totally didnt feel like that at all

i still can recall a ton of things fluidly and as for now i dont see a particular reason to replay the game (other than wanting to get to know ouma better)

but oumas character is just.. so tragic. i cant even begin to explain the depth of his character, it would be pages long and im way too lazy for that. ill always just write mental drafts and let myself feel when it comes to ouma

ill a cut here since its already a bit long rn lmao

and i think ouma is a character who is deeply troubled by his insecurities/possible mental illnesses (such as bpd or servere depression) in a way that these insecurities are his most memorable characteristics. that is absolutely sad and tragic

furthermore since the moment i started to play this game i always thought it was suspicious that ouma claimed he hated liars even tho he was one himself. sure that couldve been one of his lies, but my intention rlly didnt like this idea so i thought he was actually speaking the truth. i realized today that ouma was hinting at shuichi that he hated this persona that he had to create for the sake of this game

but i do agree that i sometimes tend to overthink ouma lmao while is incredibly intelligent, he couldnt have figured everything out, plus his trust issues and paranoia were in the way of looking into every possible situation. yet i somehow believed that he did a lot of stuff while being completely aware of their consequences - but thats not possible. ouma is not a superhuman who can figure out what happens to the world in [insert year]. hes a character with deep flaws which balances his cunning behavior

to his actual personality, i might seem like the most biased person in the world but i truly believe that ouma didnt want to harm anyone. its just that the killing game... happened lol

as far as i can self-insert, i do believe if i happen to be in a killing game i would be quite similar about it. minus the creating a fake persona thing for me its absolutely impossible to trust 15 people whom i just met that they wouldnt kill me under stress. you know, if you activate the right buttons on someone, they can work how you want them to. and this is what feared ouma (rightly so)

anyways i take the anthologies as canon material since theyre approved and licensed by spike chunsoft, and we obviously see that ouma is nowhere near as antagonistic as he was in the game. although, i only have read the first anthology (also while we are at it, i cant wait to buy the thjree v3 anthologies even without knowing japanese, lulz)

but we also see his character actually getting darker and darker with each chapter, with chapter 4 probably taking the point. esp on when it ended. at first i was kind of conflicted about his oversentimal reaction towards gonta being executed, because that felt just as fake as his overly evil presentation afterwards. altho after some time thinking abt this, i came to the conclusion that he just leaked a little bit of his juicy true self(tm), realized that what he meant was actually genuine and then proceed to vent his emotions in making him seem like the most villainous person u ever met. because i think one of the reasons ouma acted out like is because he believed he was at fault for gontas death. so instead of trying to sweet talk yourself, he just took the oppurtunity to make him the least likeable person. cuz who would ever want to like someone who jokes about genuinely being concered about someone dying? yeah no one dude

also i think ouma is ironically a bit well-mannered (yeah guis im not joking here). .. .if we ignore all his stupid pranks.. so you see, whenever i got rejected after dates with ouma in salmon mode.. it went like this for example “eeh, wow you are going to the libary with me and now you want to leave? that hella rude man, why am i wasting my time like this” or “wow you really must think highly of yourself if you think you are worth changing for, how arrogant” which looks like he knows what is appropriate and what not

i remember what he said that and i suddenly went like “shit i cant believe im hearing this from you man” which was kinda funny as a side note btw

anyways, to his motive video. oh shit, his motive video . . . even without having known how messed up the translation was, that damaged me.-.. i mean i always thought that ouma exaggerated the size of his organization, at some poiint i just thought that his entire organization was a lie and his tru talent was the ultimate liar. which obsly wasnt the case lmao

but his motive video.. just wanting to prank ppl for laughs and entertainment. its so light hearted compared to what he claimed it to be that it hurts another thing that i think is worth noting is that DICE was his motive video, not his family. DICE, who is like family. but not his actual family. what does that mean? does that mean that his actual family wasnt like family to ouma? i sure as hell thought so and i still do

a different thing is that ouma said that nobody would care about him dying and that his organization would be better off without him, plus that it seems that monokuma said that ouma knows what happened to DICE in the motive video which leads me to.. uhh.. what if ouma did something he absolutely regretted doing (since it caused DICE trouble?) - but im not entire set on that theory

its also sad that he constantly had to hint about hiimself instead of just talking abt it to shuichi. like, he wanted shuichi to help him or actually even hinder him at carrying out his plan, he low key hoped for it because shuichi is a detective which showed to be shrewd enough to be able to make proper deductoins in class trials, furthermore he isnt a dick towards ouma and actually respects him in a way. something that ouma most likely didnt calculate

which mades the statement that shuichi said in the end of chapter 4 even more painful. shuichi was the only person that ouma kind of trusted and relied on. and prob the only one he wanted to show his true self to, that very person told him hes 5 ever alone with no friends at all. that hes a pathetic little brat who should start to view the world differently (def not what shuichi said 1:1 but.. yeah idk my own interpretation)

im pretty sure that hurt ouma a lot

hnnng, i truly wished for ouma to be one of the survivors. altho i figured that hes gonna plot something absolutely mind blowing in chapter 5, i seriously couldnt believe that he was actually dead... well, not until the closing argument. as soon as there were the words “closing argument” all over my screen i began to cry like an idiot. i couldnt even read properly man, thats just how blurry my vision was from all the tears

in other hand: i was (and still am lol) extremely attached to ouma and his death was very unsatisfying, since he died quite heroic but nobody considered him so. also he never made up with these ppl. also fuck kodaka

#drv3 spoilers #ouma kokichi #my posts #im trying this very sleep deprived so excuse me for my grammar and spelling mistakes u will ever seen one #ill try to correct it after i get some sleep

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promof1976 · 7 years ago

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aahhhhhhhh;; you reblogged that post w the autistic anton hc and im!!! its nice to know im not the only one who thought he had autism. personally i also hc him as having a mild form of ocd but i aint a psychiatrist and he isnt a real person so *shrug emoji*. pls...... tell me abt any other headcanons u have for him....... i Hunger for content

yeeees like autistic anton is like Really Special to me for a lot of personal reasons, and while i’ve never really thought of anton having ocd, i can definitely see how that could be the case

and dude.

dude.

i could go on all day abt my thousands of head canons for this ridiculous man so i’m gonna put this under a read more (a few of these are just like real self indulgent so yeah)

- first of all, if you’ve been on my blog for longer than five seconds, you probably know abt the anton and allison reynolds thing (in which he’s her bio dad)

- he’s around 6′9″ (he’s like. ed kem.per height. it’s terrifying)

- he’s ace/aro (sex repulsed/romance repulsed)

- he is selectively mute most of the time and also refuses to communicate during these times (or ever, really), so ppl have to play the guessing game with him. he thinks the gradual panic in their eyes is somewhat amusing.

- he fucking Hates liars. he will literally track somebody down and murder them bc they lied to him once like ten years ago

- he and carson used to be friends once (and by friends, i mean, “carson thought they were friends but in reality, anton just barely tolerated him”) and they traveled together on and off for like at least two years before Something happened and they split (long story short, anton tried to kill carson in the middle of the night and carson fled the hotel).

- this man never gets any goddamn sleep. he is 100% that person who is about to die from sleep deprivation and is literally dragging himself across the damn floor bc he can barely walk and is still like “who needs sleep i am Thriving”

- has got some Serious anger problems. like dude will sometimes rent a hotel room just so he can rip it apart in a fit of rage (probably has done similar things to human beings as well el em ay oh)

- he got the haircut after losing a bet (coin toss) back in the seventies and he fucking hates it. he feels a part of himself die inside every time he looks in the mirror and sees that haircut. the reason he keeps it is because of that “keeping to his word” bullshit, it’s easier to manage, and he got used to it and now it Has to be this way

- lowkey on some weird puritan bullshit. like straight up the embodiment of that “slasher movie villain brutally murdering a couple right when they’re abt to have sex” trope.

- if he hadn’t turned to a life of killing, he probably would’ve been a surgeon. probably would ended up getting sued for medical malpractice at some point but hey! at he’s not Trying to kill ppl

- he did used to feel guilty abt the awful shit he does. note “used to”. might too detached from everything for it to really be considered guilt at this point. now it’s just a general sense of “shouldn’t have done that. really shouldn’t have done that” at best.

- he’s only had sex with one (1) person, and that person was allison’s mom. it was terrible for both parties involved.

- refuses to learn from any mistakes that aren’t murder-related.

- while he Does have a major god complex (that he refuses to admit is a god complex), he doesn’t really believe that he’s an “agent of fate” or whatever, at least not deep down. he just doesn’t want to admit to himself that that he’s a horrible person and face the (emotional) consequences for his actions bc he knows that if he does, he’ll collapse mentally and would likely never recover. so he just rationalizes it all away using his fate bullshit. he didn’t Really choose to kill all those ppl as a result of deeply-rooted/unprocessed anger and a frightening unwillingness to see other ppl as human beings, you see, fate just made him do it! (despite the fact that he actively seems to seek out opportunities to kill ppl in the film but okay sure anton). hell, he had told himself this so much that he had actually started to buy into his own bullshit. then the talk with carla jean and the car crash happened. it left him Very disillusioned, to say the least.

- his feelings abt his life are really complicated. he doesn’t want to kill himself but god he’s just so fucking ready to die make it end Please. his relationship with death is that gif of judge judy tapping her watch and then banging the podium.

- in 1989, he got his wish. cause of death: gunshot, penetrated the heart. time of death: instantaneous.

aaaand that’s all i can think that’s all i can think of right now (i’ll add on to it if i think of some more). any way, i love this ask and i love you anon bc i’ve finally gotten to infodump abt him so thank you so much!!!

#no country for old men #anton chigurh #suicide mention tw #death mention tw #anonymous #asks

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