#and she told me they were her ‘adult friends.’ this convo happened a couple weeks after i turned 20. i said okay bc i understood she meant

[darlinimamess]

dumb rant incoming

[you-can-face-this]

hi its anon friend- i was scrolling through my dash when i saw your last post and wanted to say that however you feel about that news is 1000% valid even if that means you dont know how to feel. take care of yourself and im here if you need <3

tysm anon friend :') <3 i've actually been aware that there was like a 50% chance for the past couple weeks so it wasn't a big surprise yesterday but just the fact that it's happening to me feels like trash D: she was crying on the phone & was clearly scared which made me feel bad for her but then she started shifting the convo to how i should visit her so :/ i do get affected in the moment but i'm so sick of her crying to me when she hasn't allowed me to cry all my life & made me suffer in silence like maam u have a grown ass adult man u r legally married to. go depend on him, not ur children

but yea last night i was ✨emotionally unstable✨ and hit up a guy i had kissed but probs shouldn't have last week due to once again being emotionally unstable (it's kinda crazy so i posted abt it before but it was so long i had to delete akdsjf;saf). thankfully he was busy and in the meantime i figured out that my friend was pulling an all-nighter so i called up another friend and we all sat on her room floor (dorm life lol) for like an hr. they asked me why i'm up so late (usually im the first to go to bed lmao) so i told them (well not the whole parent backstory but just the sick part) and their reactions were actually pretty good & made me feel better idk why i hadn't just told them earlier.

today i've emailed my profs & am skipping all my classes to take a mental health day™️! i bought myself some soup and the cafe i go to had new holiday drinks so now i'm drinking a gingerbread latte :)

[sunflower-smiles]

tw: the following story is about my self harm scars and peoples reactions. please do not read if you feel you will be triggered <3

i have been self harming for almost 3 years now and i have many scars. 

i have tried many methods and to this day will self harm in various ways but the only ones that are visually noticeable are my scars from cutting. 

i do not go to school now (i am in grade 11) but throughout grade 9/10 all day everyday i would wear long sleeves. at the time, i was only self harming on my left arm, and they were not bad (what medics would classify as “superficial”). they left very faint scars but since i was doing it so often there was never a time in those 2 years when i would let my arm heal (except summer when i would self harm on my stomach because bathing suits lol).  

when i first started in spring of grade 8 i was going through a lot at the time and i am not going to lie, it was for attention. no one knew what was going on at home and i wanted someone to be concerned for me. so i went to school with short sleeves after self harming that night and told people i just slipped and cut myself by accident. trust me i know how terrible that is now and i would never do that now. but that day one of my friends grabbed my arm out of no where in the middle of class and said very loudly “oh my god! do you cut yourself!” and i got very embarrassed and was like “no, i slipped”. throughout that day i probably got at least 5 more of that same reaction. and even though i wanted a reaction and some attention, it wasn't how i wanted it, i really just wanted someone to care. i did a lot of that type of stuff in grade 8, oh yea, i was THAT kid. so i definitely learned my lesson and never wore short sleeves at school again. 

grade 9 was actually pretty chill since i wore long sleeves the whole year. with a few exceptions like my friend grabbing my arm in gym and me wincing at the pain and her pulling  my sleeve up. with a “omg did u cut urself” and me going “no, im not insert friend who self harmed name” and i totally outed my friend in that moment which was so not cool and i felt rly bad about it.

grade 10 i switched to my legs since for basketball games you had to wear short sleeves, but when i stopped playing it was back to arms. basketball was rly hard for me scar wise, because one thing you need to know about my, is i am a ginger. so it takes 2 years for my scars to turn white and until then they are purple. and one of coaches favorite drills was defensive stances with your arms out wide, so pretty stressful. end half of grade 10 was online school, so best BELIEVE my mentally ill ass took advantage of that to dive into depressive low. plus i was with a new therapist at the time who was AWFUL. when i told her i struggled with cutting she asked “how bad” and i kind of explained and she said “oh that's nothing...” AND CONTINUES ON TO GRAPHICALLY DEPICT ONE OF HER PAST CLIENTS SELF HARM. when i said she was bad i meant bad. so of course now i feel like all those thoughts of baby cut syndrome and stuff and my self harm on my legs get rly bad. obviously i am not going to add triggering content but i will say that while seeing that therapist my self harm was the worst its ever been.

now grade 11, or work/homeschool year you could call it. fuck covid. i am with adults all day 4-5 days a week, the same 10 adults. so i work at a motorcycle store in the parts dept. and we have a uniform, its just a short sleeve polo with the logo on it and black pants. i also got like 3 hoodies, 2 zip ups and a pull over. so i wear my hoodie over my shirt and normally we are all good. but in the winter my boss like to crank up the heat really hot, also known as my worse nightmare. i spent many months sweating all day everyday. but a couple weeks ago i though to myself ‘hey, my cuts are healed, these are adults, i should be fine’. so i wore just my t-shirt one day (with my hoodie close by) and probably like 15 mins in my coworker (whos my work best friend ) pointed to his arm mirroring me and kind of looked at me funny. and i was like “what?” and he said “oh what's that scar from?” and i said “oh just my dog.” which is where the convo should have ended. but he persisted, ‘really let me see that's not what it looks like” and i was like “well that's what it is” and he said “let me see your arm” gesturing his hand, and i was like “no.” and he kept on me, like a dickhead for like 2 mins straight. until i just walked away. and as i was kinda panicking away he tried to save himself by saying “well it looked like a burn its in the spot where if would hit the oven”. which was bullshit cause why would i say an oven burn is a dog scrape. afterwords we both pretended like it didnt happen. which i was totally fine with. 

i am very cautious to how i wear my arms out now, currently i cant because of relapse. but at work i never wear them out around customers, just back at my desk. but still when my coworkers stop to talk to me i can see them starring and its very awkward. this summer will be interesting because my scars are much more noticeable then prior years. also for reference my parents do not know.

the point of this story was not to tell people to cover up their scars. i definitely think that people should not be ashamed of them. i just think that if you are, and they are noticeable; expect people to ask and stare. and be emotionally prepared and have a response ready because unless you have experienced it there is no way to describe the anxiety you feel when that encounter happens. 

i am not encouraging hiding your self harm from people in any way shape or form this is just my experience.

message me if you need support or just someone to talk to. or i have an anonymous question thing on my page.

self harm is never the answer. 

xo

[marshmallowprotection]

I am so lost it’s not even funny

After finally menaging to get my mother to get me to see a psy, we went to the first seance this morning.

I’ve learned stuff I wasn’t aware of (like, I wasn’t actually wanted until she actually had me but I guess, okay, that J was S’s twin-sister and not my oldest sister’s, C, etc) and remembered stuff I forgot (I threatened suicide when I had problems with my genitor again during a week-end & actually tried because I was just that miserable, well you know the drill). I answer all the questions seriously, even questions like ‘how do you feel about school’ and stuff, EVEN in front of my mother which I never do because I legitimately feel scared at the idea of doing so given how she reacts to stuff, usually.

So like, that was useful. And my mother didn’t show any sign of being annoyed, or mad, or anything during the session. Which, was surprising, but okay. I’m willing to accept it.

Then we got out, and she was considerably colder. I asked her if she was okay, she said yes, then changed the subject. (I clearly saw that she wasn’t doing well, and we had a convo about the fact that we aren’t honest with each other, her being the first person to say that she isn’t honest with me because I’m not. Spoiler: I was honest during the session, she wasn’t with me afterwards. So like, fuck it I guess.)

Stuff goes okay afterwards though I was scared shitless in the caf, we come back home, there’s her boyfriend awake this time, so I feel safer. Because she’s the kind of people to never show others what happens with me and her when it’s negative (her insulting me, gaslighting me, you named it), so I knew that with him around I was safe. (Besides I had talked to him about how my mother was in those times, so he had some ideas of what happened. He even told me to not hesitate sending him a sign if my mother went batshit crazy at me again, so that’s a plus.)

Then the afternoon rolls by, she goes to horse-ride like she always does on this day, and when she comes back she’s still cold towards me and I now felt bad and unsafe again, because by then her boyfriend had went to work.

And you named it, she ask to talk with me, which I accept (while still being terribly scared by it). And she basically gets mad at me because I was honest in therapy session (saying I didn’t like school, that I missed my old friends, that even if my last school was shit I was still attached to it) and even used against me the fact that we’ve talked thursday and that ‘things seemed to be better.’ Better when there was still all the things she’s said and done to me those past years, as though a small conversation could make things ‘normal’ again (normal is a bad thing to say because with her normal is her being okayish most of the times and having bad crisis but I don’t have any other term).

She used against me the fact that I don’t trust her enough to say everything, and that there’s someone else I trust better. My best friend. He fucking saved me times and times again, when I tried to kill myself he’s the one who helped me not to do it, he always listens to me when I need it, he never tells me ‘but I’m not okay either you know!’ when I talk about how I feel, he’s the person I love the most on this entire world and she can’t stop criticizing him, always putting all the blame on him, saying that he’s the reason I’m how I am, that he’s a terrible influence on me, that he makes his parents’ life’s hell when they’re not the greatest persons either, calling him by his deadname. She fucking told me that I should just stop talking to him but I could never do that, he’s just the reason I’m not dead already and the fact that she’s like that about him makes me miserable. He’s such a wonderful guy I just can’t imagine a world where I wouldn’t be friends with him. We’ve had our couple downsides sure, but not only on his part, I was an asshole too and he never hated me for it.

And after she fucking left to the bathroom and when I followed her she just started to cry and kept blaming me. She compared me to someone else AGAIN, C, my oldest sister, by saying that she ‘didn’t want it to happen again’ after telling me that I had the right to be my own person with my own personality.

I don’t even look like her that much so who do I look like most? My fucking genitor, and she hates him. So does that mean she hates me too? Will I never be my own person? Will I forever be stuck in someone else’s shadow?

I feel like I’m hated and loved, hated because I look like him, loved because of J, as always, and this never ending combination of ‘I love you’ and ‘I hate you, you disgust me’ is just killing me. I don’t even know what I should feel towards myself, should I love, or hate myself? Should I just destroy that fucking body she hates so much? Why is she never satisfied with me?

I don’t even know how I should feel towards her anymore either. Does she love me? She’s put on hold years of her life to take care of me, gives me food and a bed, sends me to a private school. Does she hate me? I never feel like I’m enough for her, that I disgust her, that she feels annoyed at the idea of having to give things to me. Does she really means her ‘I love you’s’? Are the nicknames she gives me a real thing, or just a fucking make-believe shit?

I don’t even know what to do anymore

She said again that she would rather die because her place wasn’t here. It’s been 22 years since J’s death and she still thinks she would prefer going to a person I don’t even fucking know or care about rather than staying with me, so what does that mean? What does that mean for me?

She’s not even thinking about her boyfriend, my other sisters, no one. 22 years for fuck’s sake. And she’s still the most important thing in her life? Just fuck myself then I guess!

I’m genuinely not okay and I don’t know what to do anymore

TW: Depression, Self-Harm, Suicide 

I think the most important thing that you should know is that you’re a kid and it is not your job to fix anything. You don’t have to keep everything together. That’s not for you to do. The adult in your life and the people around you are the ones that are supposed to ensure that you are safe, warm, and okay, no matter what happens. You are not the one at fault. You never were. She’s the one that is at fault because she is blaming you for something that isn’t your fault out of her anger and grief. 

Sincerely, do not blame yourself here because you are not at fault. Do not harm yourself, either. It solves nothing, only hurts you, and pushes you into a very dark space that is hard to crawl out of without the right support system in your field to help you get by as you fight for yourself to feel better every single day because it can get better and you will feel better. It just takes time and finding the right people in your life. 

When you become an adult, you can leave and never look back at them or this relationship, you can build a new family of friends and so on and I swear to you that it will be better and it will feel better because it’s your choice. 

When it comes to your sister, she has a lot of her own problems that she needs to work on. That’s not your job. She has to do that. It’s not on you. That, even more, being said, I want you to know that your mother shouldn’t do that either, because she’s trying to manipulate you, shame you, and gaslight you with this. Do not apologize for being honest. You need to honest in therapy, and the more you are, the more help you can get. Honestly? Bring this up in therapy. If you feel in physical or emotional danger, your therapist can and will help you get out of this. 

There is no normal. Your mother just wants you to be quiet and let her do what she wants, no matter what that means. She wants to control you and use you as far as I can tell here, I’m merely guessing, but I know parents like this and this is a red flag. 

You are your own person. 

Even if your mother didn’t want you, don’t think that you shouldn’t be alive or have been born. You matter. Your existence matters. You have worth. I know it hurts, because parents are supposed to love you and care about you, and yes, this is going to be a long road for you, because learning that your parents are not holy being or inherently good takes time to unlearn. Once you realize that you’ve been abused or harmed, it takes years to accept and years to figure out what that means for you. Do you cut that person off forever? Do you accept an apology or do you try to work past it? 

It’s a personal choice, but my heart says that I would leave and not look back when I could. But, you’re still stuck in this spot for some time, even if you can get some help to get out. I sincerely implore you to talk more with the therapist and let them know what’s going on, find proof, record abuse if you can (check the recording laws, do you have a one party consent state or two party), screencap online logs, etc. 

Don’t hesitate to protect yourself. 

You don’t deserve to be mistreated or abused. Stay safe. Always remember that you are loved by your friends and even strangers! I care about you and I want you to be able to feel happy again, no matter what that takes. If you need any resources specifically for your state or area, I can try to help you find those, but the therapist can help you firsthand. 

If the emotional manipulation is this bad, it could get worse the more you try to get better for yourself. Take a deep breath. Believe in yourself. Know that you have strength. Never forget that you matter no matter what someone says about you. Your life is your own. You don’t owe them anything. Nothing. All you owe is yourself and your happiness. 

Stay strong. I’m always here. 

[frncs]

⌠ ERIC OSBORNE, 21, NON-BINARY, HE/THEY ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, FRANCES ‘FRANK’ LAVOIE! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in MACGYVER SURVIVAL SKILLS AND NAVIGATION & COVERT OPS; and they DID go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of oversized clothing stitched with thick yarn and littered with cat hair, the snap of stretched balloons before they’re blown and a post-nap dazed gaze. when it’s the (virgo)’s birthday on 09/01/1999, they always request CORN DOGS from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ tasha, 22, she/her, est ⍀ 

well well well .. id meant to bring another kid ages ago .. n then jus didn’t because the personality part was/is givin me grief FGJH so pls 🐻  w me n replies as i figure out his voice . also .. haven’t even written out my intro yet . . bt ik it’s gna be long apologies , pls feel free to just read the tldr 

tw: death, accidental murder, grief.

TLDR: grew up fairly well off to spy parents who didn’t want him to be part of that world but apart from that didn’t care what he did with his life otherwise. he often questioned whether they really cared for him at all (tht quote thts like .. if u love me u love me in a way i cant understand). luna’s his best friend, and he’s obsessed with his aunt and uncle’s circus that stops into town every year. life is pretty great until luna ‘dies’ at 16. he joins the circus and becomes a clown, he loves performing with all his heart. at 18, his aunt and uncle arm him with a credit card and tell him to go travel, he assumes it’s because they just want him to explore the world. visits europe for six months and asia for six months, enjoys it but misses the circus terribly, busks a lot. they actually send him away to distance him from the shady happenings that are starting to boil within the company. he comes back in time for the halloween switch-a-roo, where everyone rotates their act (so he does the magic show as a clown). he’s part of a set-up that results in him accidentally killing a person and sawing them in half. his aunt and uncle call his parents, who reluctantly send him to prep school for a little less than a year to heighten his chances of getting into a spy school for protection, which he does. dedicated to working hard and getting a high paying job to pay for reparations for the circus and do a massive overhaul of the way it runs, because it’s like his second home.

grew up in waterford ct, to one retired spy parent ( his mom ) and his dad who works with the government and is aware of espionage. his mom straight up didn’t have a good time, no one really talks about it, he has no idea what happened, doesn’t know if his dad knows either but it’s clear that they don’t want him going into the spy world. 

he feels like he’s always been treated like an adult for as long as he remembers, not in the sense that they burdened him with responsibility, but that they didn’t seem to care what he did one way or another. the best way i can describe it is that his parents had the same energy as a character in a yorgos lanthimos film, very dry and lifeless, like they’re on autopilot. he’d try and cuddle his mom and she’d just pat him on the head. he couldn’t really rebel against them and as long as he went to school and got good grades they appeared un-phased about what he got up to, a very mind your own business dynamic shared between family. 

he didn’t get up to a whole lot, he was a bit of an outsider. didn’t make friends very easily because he didn’t know how to let himself go around people, even though he’d sometimes be excited but wouldn’t know how to show it. definitely had that reserved temperament ingrained into him from his parents. 

he did have one friend who knew him inside and out, luna <3 who was also his neighbour. their demeanours were a perfect match but also he’d find himself getting so excited and wanting to tell her about his day or listen to hers, or read with her or play hopscotch or send her secret notes with his flashlight at her window. 

there was one other thing that got him terribly excited and it’s when his aunt and uncle’s traveling circus would stop in. he’d go every single day for the week and a half it was there. his parents would arrange one dinner with them and consider their familial duty done, other than that they remain out of contact with them. his aunt and uncle tell him that he’s always welcome to join, and he holds them to it. his parents say do whatever you want, just graduate high school first. 

his whole world kinda crumbles when luna ‘dies’ at sixteen. he feels immense guilt over it thinking he should’ve done something about that skeevy bf of hers...this also coincides with one of his mom’s friends dying (harlowe’s mom) which makes his mom act even weirder so he fast tracks his plans to join the circus and joins at sixteen, doesn’t graduate high school. i envision the convo btw him and his dad went like: 

“dad, i’m joining the circus.”

“graduate high school first.”

“no.”

“okay son, i can’t control you.”

the company welcomed him with open arms and he tried out everything, acrobatics, sharpshooting, but wasn’t particularly talented at anything. except, clownery. because messing up is commended, noting how all the kids would laugh at him trying basic magic tricks. so his aunt and uncle got him into a clown costume lickety-split. performing brought him a lot of joy through the grief like he’s an entirely different person when performing, insert that one cursed joker picture: put on a happy face. 

because the owners were his aunt and uncle he was treated exceptionally well and he was very oblivious to the malpractice that went on behind the scenes. the circus had a whole sector dedicated to pickpocketing (other kids who he just saw as friends were often runaways from broken homes who didn’t have anywhere else to go and earned their wages by stealing from customers), and serious kerfuffle with pay, probably some extortion going on, just general yuckery. he vaguely knew it was happening but was kind of like it is what it is kinda standpoint. heavily inspired by the circus barney and clint barton grew up in reffed in the 2015 run of all-new hawkeye.

a couple years later his aunt and uncle give him a credit card and tell him to go travel for a bit. he does because why not but misses the circus terribly. he spends six months in europe and six months in asia, busks as a clown a lot and but his on-the-road/home sickness never really fades.

he returns super excited, ready to clown around but it’s evident tensions are just really high between the workers but they’re still all super sweet to him because he’s very sweet even if he’s oblivious. halloween comes around which is his favourite time of year because they do this thing called the switch-a-roo, where everyone switches what act they’re doing, bicycle acts do contortionist acts, lion tamers do rope walkers, magicians do animal taming and clowns do magic acts. it’s just one big laugh because obviously most of them are cross-trained, but it’s meant to be more of a comedy thing and their mess-ups are to an extent choreographed but also capitalizes on the scariness because they hype up the fact that they have no idea what they’re doing.

he’s doing his magic act, messing up all the magic tricks showing all his cards, and his last act is the sawing someone in half, so the assistant comes out in the box, really selling it like omg a clown !!! being like stop !!! you don’t know what you’re doing !!! and frances is like playing along with the act, as he was told that the gag would be when they split the boxes they’ll have some practical effects to make it look like he’d accidentally actually cut the assistant in half. fumbling with a very real chainsaw, he does the choppity-chop which takes a bit more muscle than he thought it would and the assistant screams a lot then pretends to pass out. anyways it wasn’t an act he accidentally cut someone in half, and they die.

EXTRA CLOWN LORE THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT FEEL FREE TO SKIP!

i envisioned that worker negotiations had been going on for a while and had kinda reached a stalemate where nothing was happening, and there were rumblings about frances being off travelling and spending a shit ton of money where it could’ve been put towards the workers and the circus and his aunt and uncle would hear threats thrown towards frances which is why they wanted him to stay away/go travelling for a while. the girl who was killed did so knowingly, and died a martyr (and also left frances a note explaining things and how she was sorry that he was the one that had to kill her). the whole thing was executed with a lot of thought: how it would affect frances and how it would be seen as a personal attack against his aunt and uncle - and that while the act seemingly went off without a hitch and the public didn’t suspect a thing, the workers have leverage to make it public (which ideally they don’t want b/c a lot of the workers are pretty disenfranchised or have criminal records and truthfully don’t want the end all being the circus closing b/c they do love their job just not the conditions). his aunt an uncle are in a bit of a jam because they need an investor but can’t get that because of shady hiring practices in the first place, and their greed definitely exacerbated the problem.

after that happens his aunt and uncle immediately call his parents, who despite never wanting him to go into the spy industry believe that it would be the safest option for him, and enrol him in prep school (which he attends for less than a year) so that he has more of a chance getting into gallagher the following year, which, with the right strings pulled happens. 

now he’s dedicated to giving it his all so he can get a really high paying job and do a complete overhaul of the company and make a lot of reparations that should’ve been made years and years ago. 

personality

- very patient, a slow talker and more of a listener.  - idealistic, in the sense that he’s always been surrounded by people either in poverty of vulnerable, and despite being a caring guy, adopted that kind of mind your own business mentality his parents had. even his desire to get rich in order to save the circus is a very unrealistic plan or at the very least would take a very long time to achieve.  - tired, i know it’s not a personality trait but i’m making it one, he’s a little bit dazed, not gloomy per se but like he’s woken up from a nap and needs to warm up a bit before being a functioning part of society. but that’s like all his interactions. has the gait of like a drunken kung fu master, very limber.  

headcanons

has slight imposter syndrome about clowning, knows he’s great and always got a standing ovation but can’t help but wonder how much nepotism played a role in her being the main clown in the company.

planning on hiding out in her room during halloween, but is very bittersweet about it, because he thinks that halloween is one of the only times that people are happy because they get to be anyone they want and has found that most people don’t want to be themselves.

has an overweight, old cat which he’s had since he joined the circus and has been everywhere with him. it’s name is cat. he also has an album on his phone of all the strays he’s ever met, which is a lot being on the road. he named all of them but they never got to come with him.

sleeps a lot, probably has some sort of chronic sleep disorder, but enjoys the sweet release from life so he doesn’t question it. has no shame and will sleep anywhere and does.

loves making balloon animals, was his favourite thing to do at the circus. keeps a jewelry dish full of unpumped balloons on his bedside table. also a big reader, and hoarder of anything that can fit in a small travel notebook (leaves, ticket stubs, pictures, anything). 

wanted connections: i’ll update my actual google docs in the coming days but people he met while traveling for a year, anyone with pets wanting to have a pet playdate (cat’s not too active but he could use some company), someone who catches him crying (he cries a lot haven’t peeped his full chart but i can sense the water energy from miles away), people who wake him up when he falls asleep in class, in the common rooms, outside, flirty flirts, someone who’s been to the circus, someone who clowns him about being a clown and he gets super angry, really anything, i’m terrible at coming up with connections i get such a thrill from mundane relations i’m boring <3

[alextriestowritestuff]

Elite S3 reactions (Episode by episode/overall thoughts +SPOILERSSSS)

So I know I post writing stuff but I have *EMOTIONS* about this show and no one to share them with so please ignore this post, if you don’t watch the show/don’t care. Includes spoilers so you’ve been warned.

Ok, I’m going to go episode by episode then do my overall feelings. I’d love to know anyone’s thoughts about the show so feel free to reblog! I just watched the show in 10 hours straight but alot goes on so I might not be able to remember every single conversation in a episode. Multiple characters have a lot going on at once. For reference, I don’t speak Spanish-I watch the show with English subtitles. 

-3x1: Carla

-Pretty solid start, we pick up a couple weeks after we left off. I felt so DUCKING bad for Carla the entire season and I understood why she lied in court about accusing Polo. Malick is introduced-am I the only who doesn’t like people who are persistent in asking other people out? Like my no is a no. Don’t annoy me, this is the kind shit people pull and pressure others into a relationship. It’s not endearing to me. So I automatically didn’t like him. 

-Lu gets kicked out but can someone tell me where she lives throughout the season? I figured she lived with her mom after her dad kicked her out but at the last episode, in the airport, she says both her parents have disowned her? Where has been living? Maybe she saved up money unlike Valerio idk. 

-3x2: Samuel and Guzman

-Samu is trying to get Carla back. I didn’t dislike them as a couple last season but I knew they were using each other, so I didn’t allow myself to get too close to them. But now I ship them. I wanted them together this season. Yeray is introduced-um, I still think he’s irrelevant. I did think for a moment that he was going to hold his money over Carla’s head so she’d stay with him but he didn’t even think for one second that was why Carla was trying to get with him (because her asshole dad pimped her out ugh) . He was only helpful when it came to the contract at the end.

-Deadass, I was going to exit out if Valerio had slept with Rebe’s mom. I thought that entire scene was pretty much sexual assault and it was creepy. He needs to go to rehab lmao.

-Polo trusting Guzman again was a dumb bitch move. So here’s how I feel about Polo. V unfortunately, I love him. He’s one of my fav characters. I know he’s a killer but Idk I think it’s the actor or something because he’s so pretty (the entire cast is beautiful) that I forgive everything he does?? Also I hated Marina by the end of S1 so he did me a favor. What I wanted from Polo was to embrace the fact that he was the villain. Like the times he threatened Lu by taking away the scholarship or (tried) to threaten Samu. Those scenes I was like hell fucking yes, no more wallowing. But noo this boy wanted forgiveness. Dude. You’re cute but you still killed someone, jesus. I would be so ashamed/guilty to be hanging out with the brother of the person I killed. He played himself there big time. The tweets were interesting way of revenge and ofc Caye used that to her advantage. She’s a leech but I thought she used the fact that she had the murder weapon (as leverage for Polo to stay with her) waaay more. 

3x3: Cayetana and Valerio

-Strange couple but eh, better than incest. So in this episode, Samu makes a deal with the worst detective ever (every season, she fails to solve a case lmao) and I don’t blame him. He’d do anything to get Nano back, it’s why he tried to get Polo arrested for an entire season. It’s shitty that he did that to Rebe but I understand why. Before this season, I thought Rebe was irrelevant because she wasn’t really fleshed out but after this season, I grew to like her a lot. It hurt watching her and Samu get close because everytime she said something like ‘you’re the only good thing in my life’ I was like girl, he’s the reason why you’ve lost everything ugh. It was uncomfy and sad to watch. 

-Ander and Omar. I liked them-didn’t like what Ander did last season but he did confess and was forgiven. So Omar’s whole cheating thing came out of left field and it wasn’t! Even! Properly! Confessed! to! Ander!!!! Oof. Ander SUFFERED this season. But I’m glad the writers chose cancer over HIV because there’s so much stigma attached to that disease and the LGBT community and I’m tired of that narrative. 

3x4: Lu

-I’ve always respected the hell out of Lu. Yes, she’s been a bitch for the past 2 seasons but she was always upfront about her actions. She didn’t like you, she let you know. This was her shining season and I loved her Valentine reversal. She looked hot, she really looked out for Nadia/Ander this episode (and the entire season). She could’ve revealed the cheating but she didn’t. I feel like S1 Lu would’ve so she’s come full circle. She said NO to Guzman which was everything. Oh speaking of which, I actually like Guzman. He’s really developed as a character in terms of temper. I like that he wanted to move on from hating Polo. But when he’s with Nadia, he irritates me. 

-I don’t have Muslim parents but I have Muslim cousins. My parents are immigrants. They’re not extreme like Nadia’s but like I feel Guzman goes out of his way to make Nadia’s home life worse. He’s knows her parents are conservative but he’s strides in the store and tells them about how their daughter can’t study. Should Nadia had said something? Yes but how could she? She has responsibilities to her parents. Her 2 other siblings have been kicked out. Nadia claims that her religion is important to her but Guzman repeatedly disrespects it. I couldn’t be with someone like that. It wasn’t cute that he offered to work so Nadia could study-which we saw him do ONCE. It’s overbearing. Also Nadia just forgives him so easily, it’s like dude, do you not care? So I like Guzman-he’s actually a good friend to Ander and formerly, Polo but my god, he’s so disrespectful when it comes to Nadia.

-Also I liked the threesome, not as good as Christian/Polo/Carla but not bad.

3x5: Ander

-Best episode this season, hands down. I loved the opening song and sequence. The scene where Polo’s parents catch him with Valerio and Caye really got my gears thinking-I was like if I were a parent (don’t want kids but ya know, if I did), how would I react to that? I’d like to think that I’d be very accepting of my kid (given they’re not hurting themselves or others) in terms of sexuality, religion, etc. But I was like hmmm, being polyamorous?? Not one I would be prepared for. But if the kid is happy, I guess. That was random but those were my thoughts. 

-Rebe finding out it was Samu who sold them out hurt like a bitch. BUT MY GOD THE BLACKLIGHT REVEAL!! Ugh the best. I had to pause, I was so shook. And Malick and Omar reveal to Nadia. Jesus. I loved her reaction but it was immediately undermined by the next episode when she forgives her brother. Like I get it, they’re siblings. But she should’ve held it against him longer. Omar got 0 consequences for cheating this season-not from Ander or Nadia. Tf.

3x6: Rebeca

-Carla is on drugs. Yikes. Again, her dad was pimping her all season so I get it girl. Also anyone else think the adults are stupid in the show?? All of their parents are business people but one bad financial move, they’re on their asses and almost bankrupt? Happened with Guzman’s dad and now Carla’s. Do they not invest in other things? Idk have a savings account?

-Also Samu and Guzman being friends. Top tier content. Chef’s kiss. Full circle and character development to the max. Ngl I felt a little bit of homoerotic tones there?? Just me?? I would ship them over any other couple if they got to together for just one night. 

-Nadia sharing the scholarship with Lu. Ugh. Everything. Loved that.

-Ander lying to Omar about having an affair. Ew. I know he was trying to push Omar away but like he was the one cheating? So either call him out on that or just break up with no reason. Don’t make yourself look bad dude. Ugh but the both of them sobbing at the end of their breakup...my heart shattered. That was GREAT acting. 

-Polo saving Carla. We all liked that. 

3x7: Nadia and Omar

-FUCK Ander’s mom for expelling them. I went to private school-there’s rules in place for parents who have money so they don’t manipulate the administration. Polo’s moms needed to let their son fight his own battles. Also Ander’s mom calling Guzman to come over to talk to Ander was really strange. She just expelled him. I know he’s Ander’s best friend but idk, she just expelled him. And they don’t even talk about it at Ander’s house. Again, this is the Guzman I like-the loyal/good friend. Loved the convo between him and Ander. 

-I liked Carla’s honesty to Yeryay and that they could possibly be friends. I always knew he idealized her for standing up for him on social media so I’m glad they acknowledged that. 

-Also Lu’s comment to Nadia that she looks like a pistachio was everything. And her ‘People are watching’ line in the previous episode is great too. 

-KEVIN FUCKING MCHALE made a cameo. Hell yes. And ofc, great speech by Nadia and Lu. Polito’s last conversations really did a lot for me to symphatize with his character (He didn’t have to do much because I still liked him despite his murdering). He got his moms to face the fact that they can’t throw money at every problem and that he is a killer. This scene and the beginning scenes of the next episode is what made me at peace with his character. I knew he was going to die but like this is what he needed for some sort of redemption. 

3x8: Polo

-Not the best ending for such a good season. But the first 15 minutes which are the convos and events that led up to Polo’s death was good. I never suspected Lu for a second, I really thought Valerio (Had some decent motive-more than Nadia, less obvious people like Samu and Guzman) had done it. But when I rewatched the trailer, you see that the writers told us it was her all along. Her line about the ELITE gang being family and that she’d protect them was a clue. She had the least interaction with Polo himself throughout the season so I never had time to even suspect her. Really brilliant. 

-Them touching the murder weapon is powerful. This was the only way to end things. I figured by episode 6ish that everyone was working together based on their answers in the flashforwards. And I half laughed because no sane police force would allow the witness/potential suspects to hang out together before interrogation. At least not without police watching them. 

-I do think it’s odd that Samu asked Rebe to ask her mom to get rid of Polo because he literally betrayed her and she talks to him (although mad) despite that. OKayyy. I really thought we were going to get the Samu and Carla get-together but guess not. I feel cheated by that because they clearly wanted each other all along. 

-The endings weren’t the best. I do appreciate that Omar made the right call in the end and I’m glad Ander is in remission. Oof my gripe though was with Nadia and Omar’s parents. So Lu goes to the airport and admits hey my parents disowned me and they’re like of course, we’ll be your family. AND I WAS LIKE ‘WHAT ABOUT OMAR??’ Y’all were so willing to kick him out and they never really made amends. So like I get that Omar’s dad is trying by acknowledge that Ander is Omar’s boyfriend but I mean during Omar’s mom’s dinner, he had no right asking him about his studies. He didn’t move out. Y’all kicked him out. How do you think he’s doing, trying to find a place to sleep? Jesus. Also the mom isn’t all good. Again, if I were a mom, I don’t understand how I could live without knowing if my kid is okay since they’re not living with me. My mom is a single mom-I know there’s no man in the world, not my dad, no one that she would chose me over. If my husband kicked my kids out, no questions, the husband is going to the curb or I’m going with my kids. Idgaf. The mom should’ve stood up. It just made me so angry that they were like poor Lu, no family but they mistreated their own child. 

OKAY so overall thoughts...I thought this was a really good season. I’d say 1st was the best, then this one, and then second (Ngl I don’t remember the 2nd one too much okay). I liked that it was more angsty and more character focused then the whodunnit? part that we’re used to. The entire cast has such strong acting and I’m going to miss whoever isn’t returning for S4. I’m going to miss Polo as well goddamn. 

Best moments of the season: Lu saying/doing ANYTHING-I have feelings, bitch. Her friendship with Nadia and other characters. Carla standing up to her pimp dad. Ander being in remission (his acting was great too). All of episode 5. Kevin McHale cameo. 

Worst moments: Polo asking Guzman if he would ever be forgiven?? And I know he did end up forgiving him but like bro, just because I don’t want to harbor hate for the rest of my life, doesn’t mean I forgive you for killing my sister whatttt. Omar never confessing to Ander about the cheating. Like no consequences and his character was just demolished this season. Still don’t know where Lu lived this entire season lmao. Anything Ander’s mom did to the students ugh.

Overall, I liked this season. It felt more mature for a high school TV show. I’m not super invested into any particular ship so I don’t feel cheated like most people. It takes me a while to get into ships but once I do, I get really invested. The only ship I was really disappointed in not seeing was Carmuel because Carla went through alot this season and Samu clearly wanted to be with her. And that’s all I had to say lmao.

[awakaru]

So, since the Hell Month is over and I'm in an okay space, lemme tell y'all about it!

[[MORE]]

Mercy had a fever for the first time in forever, so she got paranoid and got tested for the covid. Which led to her having a couple weeks off since she couldn't go back without the results.

During that time, we stayed with Chi for a solid week to protect her from a guy she lives with that felt entitled to her. I was gonna stay longer, but there was a covid scare and I was sent home.

A week of normalcy followed. The day after our next D&D session, shit hit the fan.

First off, Gordo started shit with the guy he rooms with. Full blown screaming and condescension followed, and Mercy felt the need to call and check up on me cuz she was worried I was the one being yelled at. That's totally normal and not a trauma response /s

So Fred left with his shit in the pouring rain. I had just gotten TikTok so I was drowning out my anxiety with funny MHA skits and D&D things.

Mercy apparently went to get food to get things back to 'normal', so we all got some chicken.

I tried to stop a fight between Mercy and Gordo, cuz the latter was listening to conservative bullshit and it was bothering the former. I told him not to be rude after she left, and he followed me into my room to continue the convo that I just tried to end. He was pulling his passive aggressive shit so I sent him off by closing the door in his face. He left.

Apparently Mercy heard me raise my voice and followed Gordo outside. I don't know for sure what happened cuz I was still inside, but it got to the point where Gordo started fucking screaming so I went to investigate. I got there in time so see Mercy black out and beat the shit out of him. So did Gordo's friend Joey, who me and Mercy very recently had a falling out with cuz he's ignorant.

She even tried to choke Gordo out. At that point I was fed up with his shit so I told her to do it cuz he deserved it. But she stopped, and I had to lead her back inside, not without saying she "can't debate with a fascist". Cuz that's what he fucking is.

She got to our bedroom and proceeded to burst into tears and have a panic attack, I think. I tried my very best to calm her down. She said we had to go. Like, GO go, as in not come back. I was okay yeah fair, and reached out to Chi to see if we could stay for a bit. She said no cuz of the covid scare, so I called one of my D&D friends. She said yes, so we started packing.

Around this time I had Mama on the phone cuz she could not come home yet but didn't want to leave us alone in case something happened.

I heard the guy who /just had a fight with Gordo like AN HOUR AGO/ come in to his fucking defense, first berating Merxy and then me. After he finished with me, Joey came in and threw his drink at me! Because I dared to tell my "brother" to go die, in an effort to get to leave me alone. But I knew there was no point explaining myself so I told him to go die too after telling me I was a stupid bitch and that he hated me 🤷🏽‍♀️

So at this point, me and Mercy continued packing, cuz the boys went for a walk or some shit, who cares. We had Mama on the line for a while and then we said bye after we left the house.

So me and Mercy are homeless now. Our D&D friend could only put us up for a single night, so we fell to our last resort: Yami, my "bestie".

But I would not call them that. We havent been all that close since that huge fight we had like, two years ago. But I wanted to help them, cuz they have a young son and I wanted to try to make his life better in whatever small ways I could. That's a post for another time, though.

They agreed to let us stay til we got our shit together, and that we were welcome there. But I sure as hell didn't feel welcome. They were saying basically from Day One that they were gonna make sure we were uncomfortable so we wouldn't get complacent 😑 Nevermind the fact that me and Mercy were dealing with a huge sense of loss and grief!

We didn't even last a full week, guys. Every day was some sort of altercation, and I had had enough with their "my way or the highway" attitude. So the day they woke me up to drag me into their room to prove a point, I knew it was gonna go poorly. And it did!

I won't even mention what brought this on cuz honestly it's not important, like at all. All that matters is that I was Done™ and on the verge of shutdown as they explained why I "didn't need to be right all the time". I tried my best to exit the convo but I guess they needed to have the last word so they kept on going. But I was already done so I just walked away, and then hell broke loose.

It escalated to the point where I straight up told them we weren't friends, and that led to them basically disowning me =3= And they proceeded to call me the "anonymous person living in [their] home".

Sooo, at this point I'm homeless again cuz there ain't no way I'm going back to that toxic environment. I was allowed to hang at my D&D friend's place again, and during that time Chi managed to get a yes from her sister-in-law for me to stay with them. I picked Mercy from work, had her grab my essentials, and we drove all the way to Chi's. So I live with her now.

Now at this point Yami had been removed from my life almost completely, except for one thing: our weekly D&D game. I had invited them to play a few months ago and they've been a permanent player since then, along with their son coming to guest play sometimes. But after this final fallout (we actually had a falling out like a month or two ago at this point too so like yikes) I sure as hell didn't want them there.

Me and Mercy are the only OG players at this table; we've been there from the very fucking beginning. We went through two location changes and general party changes as well. This game helped me keep track of time and helped keep me sane through many shitty situations in the last few /years/. No way were they taking this from me.

So, this Monday, we all gathered at our table. I was super fucking anxious, to the point where I had to take off my glasses and hide behind my hat. They were "being cordial" but that passive aggressive version where they make pointed jabs that sound like small talk. It was infuriating. But I didn't fall for their bait.

Our DM put us in a meeting. I explained the bare details needed to clarify the situation, and we proceeded to try to compromise. Yami would not accept any. "If I can leave emotions at the door, so should they," they said. "They need to act like adults."

Mercy started packing up, and so did I cuz I just wanted something else to focus on. But I never had any intention of leaving. Our DM brought up since compromise apparently wasn't working, then he would have to rule this in favor of seniority. So I stood my ground. And Yami had no choice but to accept the ruling, and was taken home.

Knowing that things were tense, our DM took us to Chili's to relax, with a short detour through Lowe's while we waited for seats. I had not felt so calm in a looong time, or so exhausted; shifting from being a night owl to a morning person and back to a night owl was having a toll on me. But I was so glad that I didn't let them take this group from me.

Now, Mercy is trying to find a place for us so we can actually start saving up for our eventual move out of state, and also not further inconvenience Chi and her family, whose home I currently live in. I wish I had any sort of ability that would make making money online an option for me, but I was always so afraid of sharing creations that I know that's not an option now. So, if we find a place, I'll defs have to find a job, which I'm not looking forward to at all tbh. But I'm safe for now, so I guess that's something.

[ladyrassilonofgallifrey]

What someone can deal with for love (My Take on this ProJared Drama)

I was in a relationship just like this so it's one of the reasons I see her side. There will not be proof of Heidi and Jared talking about stopping the Poly. That’s a face to face convo. Seeing this whole thing going down scares the shit out of me. It's not like how people (Commander Holly looking at you) are putting it.  

(when I use “like I did” I am referring to me with my ex)

All I say is this: I am going hypothetical on a lot of their issues: just saying it all starts and plays different but the ending is the same or worse.  

TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE: There isn't going to be proof because most of these fights between Jared and Heidi + after blow-ups (that everyone else saw) is because of the lying. You wind up begging for the truth and only get lies. It's the last steps in trying to keep a toxic relationship. She might have caught him cheating first (Like I did) and out of desperation to keep him she said: "let's try Poly" (again like I did). Being ignored for months by the person you love leaves you extremely lonely and starved for attention.  Her "long-term 2nd bf" who was an out of state gave her attention and fill in the loneliness. Now am I saying it's ok? NOPE, but I do know what she is claiming because of my own stupidity. 

I am not trying to justify what she has done: Only to give you someone else's experience of this type of abuse. If you find your self in this type of thing; leave: RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.  DO NOT STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP IF IT'S LIKE THIS!

**warning below might contain adult subject matter**

What happens is it starts off like all other relationships even more so: The world feels like it stops. "PWLY" (Person who loves you) cons your full utter loyalty and trust from you. They make you think you seem to them like heaven and earth to get you into that state. They make you depend on them for money, food, etc. After they feel they have you they change; the mask comes off and the stranger who knows all about you and you know nothing of them comes out. (Yes, it sounds like it's some horror movie but it can and does happen.)

  The fights will start slowly at first; nothing big really something like running late. The making up gets very fiery. It keeps going, a fight maybe every few months; to every other month; to every other week; and finally to every day. You start fighting your gut telling you it's time to leave because they said they loved you and needed only you; That they will do whatever they can to make you proud and happy of them. You fallow your heart, ignoring the warning signs; you try to leave many times, but they're begging for one more chance every time. they say that they know they made a mistake, but they can be better; be what you want them to be. So stupidly you believe them; trusting in them even though you know you shouldn't. From the person who was in Heidi's place, it's hard watching the person you love and adore change to someone you don't recognize. It's sad to watch.

You find out about the online stuff first; in her case, the lewds and since she is comfortable with her sexuality didn't really (but kind of did) pissed her off. Jared could have lied to her about all the ages of the pictures she's seen (we have no clue). She might have seen it (again like I did) as him wanting her to know his turn on's... A.K.A him being honest. So she starts making him stuff to explore his kinks. I bet most of the costumes he wears were made by or with her help (seeing Heidi is the cosplayer). Wanting him to be happy because she has started to see the stranger that lurks under the mask by this time. The stranger who wears your love's face is a nasty person. Cruel, they like to twist your words to make you look like you're being hateful. They say so much ill about you to your face you start to believe it. It gets worse if they have you isolated from your family and friends. Their voice plays in your head saying every hurtful thing. You wind up cry when you're alone and well YOU ARE alone all the time.  

It depends on time about this next part. You find out about the cheating. I'm sorry to say this next part: HOLLY WASN'T THE FIRST, SHE'S THE LAST.  Jared was most likely cheating on Heidi with other women. When you find out the first time the fight is the typical cheat fight. You threaten to leave them (like I did) and they start begging at first. They tell you things like "it will never happen again", "_______ means nothing to me! I LOVE YOU AND ONLY YOU!", or "I was weak and stupid,  I hurt the one person (or sometimes they use the word “thing”) that's most precious to me: YOU" (queue in the crying and the grasping for your arms or waist). After your dumb ass gives them another chance the stranger comes back out. It might be an hour, a day, a week, but it comes out and they remind you they have you by the purse strings. They say "even if you wanted to, you can't afford to move. I pay for everything" or something to put you in your place because they made you dependent on them before the shit hit the fan. Where in the beginning everything was "ours" now is "mine" and "what is exactly yours again?". They remind you that you need them to survive.... they effectively own you.

Now abuse comes in many forms: Sexual, Mental, Emotional, Physical, etc.

From my own experience: I was told all the time "how lucky"  I was for my ex to love me. The exact words carved into my mind; his voice comes in saying them when I try to sleep. Every hurtful comment like old rusted knives in the heart and when remembered they move cutting just a little deeper. "You're lucky I love you so much or I would have left you a long time ago!" or  "you're not that smart to do that job".  Mine compared my (for my own dignity let’s say) "body" to the woman he was hooking up with. (sorry I'm crying remembering this shit)

I remember blaming myself because of how he had browbeaten it into me verbally that I was worthless. To this day I live with what my ex did. I suffer from High anxiety and bipolar disorder both far worse now. I wanted to hurt him to show him how he was destroying the "person" he claimed to love. I wanted to destroy the things he loved far more than me to show him what he took from me. Now please re-read that; I wanted to take something that he loved so much like I loved him away. Was it wrong? Yes and I hated myself for it. Those feeling made me feel worse, made me think he was right; that I was the monster that destroyed our happiness. I wanted to die. I went back to that man twice thinking he would be who he use to be before this stranger with his face came.

He would sexually abuse me calling "surprise sex"; He would wait till I fell asleep and do "that" to me. I woke up to it and pleaded with him to stop. I laid there for hours crying. If I called the cops he would kick me out, and if I didn't (this is what I did) he might stop (he didn't).  Whenever I needed reminding of who was in control he would take unwanted nor given liberties with my sleeping body.

My ex would lie to people telling them how horrid I was and how hellish it was in our home. He omitted the things he did to cause it. Like the fact, I was too scared to sleep at night and always playing video games to keep myself up. All his friends heard was "She's always up playing video games and not sleeping at night." and you sure can believe when someone asked why they got an "I don't know" or a strug.... in other words; not the truth.

My ex cheated on me many many times. To the point, I said let's try a Poly relationship in a desperate a tempts save a very toxic one. It failed, he used it to justify his cheating just like Jared. He couldn't be honest with me or the girls he hooked up with.  He would tell them "how he has a horrid another half" and "how I was always cold-hearted" to him when in reality I was begging him to see a couple therapist and try to fix things. You know what I got as a reply "so I can have them telling me it's all my fault? Pfff Yeah right". Do you think we ever went? At less Jared and Heidi tried to fix their relationship. I never got that chance. I was mistreated every day. You now are wanting to ask why I stayed when he was doing all this nightmare fuel to me and mine is far far different than her reason: My child, the one being I went through hell for. When my ex was done with me he tossed me out, claimed I was not only abusive to him but to our child as well. The courts believe him because not only did he refuse to couple's therapy but to me having therapy for my personal issues. This made the courts see me as unfit. He would start fights so when his friends were over I would already be unconformable and snippy to him. Since they only saw my blowing up at him for a fight they didn’t see they agreed with him not knowing the whole story. Same with his family. He would tell them that I was always like that and there was no reasoning with me. Again he would omit the why I was in that state in the first place. It's easy to make yourself look innocent when you don't show the whole story.

By the time I offered Poly I was desperate to save my relationship with my ex. I told myself it was for my child but I didn't want to believe that I fell in love with a monster. When he brought in the girl he was cheating on me with for months as the girl he wanted as his 2nd I knew the truth. I knew he was cheating and I was trying to give him what he wanted. See he want both me and her; her because she was different than me; she was the party-girl where is I was the stay at home mom who makes home-cooked meal waiting at the dinner table. I tried to be supportive of him. I started to talk to another man (like Heidi did) for my own attention starvation. It was very personal and I should have left my ex when I felt the need to go elsewhere for the love I needed. I would still have full custody of my child and be in a better mental state. The only good thing is now that very same “2nd boyfriend” is my only love now. I did break up with my 2nd when My ex told me to. I’m lucky he still loved me when we found each other again. 

Now my point is simple:

When someone doesn’t disclose their own words and actions truthfully with others it becomes easy to make those people see only what they want them to see. Of course, Holly thinks she knows the whole truth but she doesn’t. She wasn’t there for their private conversations, fights over the lies, half-truth, etc. None of you who came out to defend Jared and Heidi were there during those fights. You were given screen-shots by Jared to post with only a one-sided account of their private life. Do you not see that or is it that you don’t care? Do you all not realize you all kept away from her; that where Heidi would and should have been there she wasn’t? I hope you see that. I hope you realize that someone wants you to open your eyes. Heidi and Jared’s life was hell on them both. When they should have been working on bettering their marriage and working out the disconnect; they were looking elsewhere for something they should have had in each other.  ALL OF US ARE THE OUTSIDERS not just online but those who are close to them. Put the stories together, where he says she blew-up ask why and demand to know the Whole story before you judge. Start asking for both sides if not from him then from her and add them together.    

To Commander Holly, you are full of shit. You don’t know the whole story only what he told you and allowed you to see. DON’T FORGET THAT You were fucking HER HUSBAND instead of your own. I don’t know why or care that you cheated. You knew that he was married you should have said: “not until she tells me I can”. The only reason she would lose her shit (Like I did) all those times was because she told him she didn’t feel comfortable in private and that the Poly needed to stop and he agreed to it. Also, put your self in her spot because one day he might cheat on you too. How you gain the man is how you most likely lose them. (Look at the Kardashian baby daddy drama as proof). The fact she clearly said “GO AWAY” meant she didn’t want to share her husband with you. YET you kept on with it knowing full fucking well she didn’t want you around. YOU AND PROJARED are at fault, not just her. You hide behind mental health yet YOU caused her mental break down. You do understand that? The mere fact you were around when you should have walked away cause it. Doesn’t matter that she agreed to it. Once she realized that she wanted just her husband and told him she wanted just him; It was over. He probably did agree to give just them another chance. You and Jared are the worst kind of humans when she said no more poly; you both lied to her and kept it up. IT BECAME CHEATING AS SOON AS SHE SAID NO MORE. Not only are you two lying through your teeth about him being innocent but the fact of lying about it to ruin her. Stop gaslighting people and own up being a homewrecker who should have backed off when SHE told you to. I don’t see you and Jared being together, he used you to fight his battle. He’ll dump you in half a year to maybe under two... because that’s what happens to the girl my ex finally replace me with. Just stay the fuck out of it. 

To ProJared: Please shut Commander Holly up or don’t but she is going to get you in deeper shit than you already are. Also, love how you are using her to do your dirty work. If all the other stuff is true I hope you rot in jail. 

To AtelierHeidi You are in the wrong. It was needed for the underage he got leweds from but you didn’t need to air his cheating. That was between you four because wasn’t she married until recently. You should have left when you first found out he was this way. And I am the first person that will say “yes I understand why you wanted to ruin his show” but you need to own your own part in this. The abuse wasn’t one-sided and you know it. How I know is because I would insult my ex the same as he was me; I reflected what he said and did to a point (I think doing something to someone in their sleep is wrong there for never would do it) in front of his friends to knock him down a peg or two, he punished me for it when we were alone. Your text back and forth with the threats of ruining his show reminds me of my own hate text to my ex. I understand because I have been there; felt that. You are enjoying the destruction you caused, I hope you don’t regret it. You ruined his life, don’t let your actions ruin yours.

Oh, and if you’re lying Heidi I hope he nails you to the cross because you would be one of the reason abuse victims are discredited. 

So morals of my story: Those who know nothing but one side of the story knows really nothing and Leave when your gut tells you to.

SO THANKS FOR REMINDING ME OF MY OWN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FROM HELL YOU STUPID FUCKS! 

[kylorenpunk]

Payback is a bitch. Do them all.

“itAy thanks for curing my evening boredom

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

     I think it was my friend Elli during a service project or my friend when we went to the movies (we occasionally pretend we’re a couple when we go to the movies lmao) 

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

    Shy. It was super hard to make friends during grade school. But if you put me with the right people I can be outgoing. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

     My friend group tomorrow. I think we’re playing smash again? 4. Are you easy to get along with?

     I think so? I have no idea tbh. I know I was a bitch when I was younger though. Hopefully I don’t put off those vibes now 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

     The only time we interacted I was drunk so no lol. 6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

     Tattooed, nerdy vibes, can make me laugh, nice eyes, idk I just like guys ok7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

     HA. Nope. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

     Romantically? or friendship? Also bold of you to assume whoever does these are straight. To answer, my friends who are all homies. 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

     Depends on the subject. I am always down to make sex jokes but don’t fucking tell me the shit you did with your SO the other night.10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

      I’m always down for deep convos tbh so I do this frequently. I think the last full length deep convo I had was with Jessica though? 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

      “LMAO” to Joey bc I rick rolled his ass. Bitch apparently I’m always texting you?   12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

       According to spotify it’s: Alexander HamiltonGoodbye Yellow Brick Road (Sara Bareilles’ cover) When I Was Your Man (Aaron Tveit’s cover) The Greatest Show The number one song is one I don’t listen to any more so I’ll replace that with the song I’m listening to “How Far I’ll Go” 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

      God yes. That’s the BEST feeling. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

      Not really miracles. But I do believe in luck in a sense 15. What good thing happened this summer?

      My birthday. Going to Chicago. 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

      Sure I’ll kiss my mirror again. Sorry y’all I don’t kiss and tell.17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

      Absolutely.18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

      I have had so many I don’t remember my first crush. And I know for a fact I didn’t start talking to crushes till the middle of high school19. Do you like bubble baths?

      No I hate baths. I think it’s gross. 20. Do you like your neighbors?

      I like their dogs. Especially the beautiful pit I get to dog sit 21. What are you bad habits?

      I get very nervous very easily. I’m unsure of myself. I’m also messy.22. Where would you like to travel?

      New York and Europe 23. Do you have trust issues?

      Who doesn’t? 24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

      When I go to sleep.25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

      My stomach. 26. What do you do when you wake up?

      Check my phone. It’s really bad. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

      Neither. I like my skin color even though I’m pale as fuck. 28. Who are you most comfortable around?

      I’ll have to say my friends Yara and Josephine. Love all my other friends and no offense to y’all I’m just really self conscious 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

      LMAO one basically did the other day. At least he regrets how he treated me. That’s some tea. 30. Do you ever want to get married?

      Hell yeah. Am I currently ready for it? Hell naw. 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

     She’s too long. I really want to cut her but that costs money. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

      Chris Hemsworth and Anne Hathaway. Or Vanessa Hudgens33. Spell your name with your chin.

      done. That was strange? 34. Do you play sports? What sports?

      I did soccer for one season when I was 6. I spent most of the time playing with my hair. That was the end of my athletic career. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

      TV bc we have netflix and hulu 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

      Tons of times. It’s my brand. 37. What do you say during awkward silences?

      I’ve been doing shitty mouth pops recently. I also start rambling about my day.38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

      Someone that puts up with my bullshit 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

      TJ Maxx. Ulta. Target. I don’t shop often. 40. What do you want to do after high school?

      I’m outta that shit hole. Have been for 5 yrs. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

      Of course. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

      I’m listening fully and don’t really have anything to contribute yet. 43. Do you smile at strangers?

      Working at a hotel has forced me to. I hate it. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

      SPACE MOTHERFUCKERS - the ocean freaks me out45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

      Needing to pee, hunger or work 46. What are you paranoid about?

      EVERYTHING. Mainly the future tho 47. Have you ever been high?

      Nah. Not opposed to it though. 48. Have you ever been drunk?

      Yep. I get really touchy. It’s weird. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

      Stalk people’s social medias? 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

      Grey 51. Ever wished you were someone else?

      I wish I was Vanessa Hudgens. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

      I won’t write it here 53. Favourite makeup brand?

      NYX. Cheap and good. 54. Favourite store?

      Target 55. Favourite blog?

      My own. 56. Favourite colour?

      Pink or Green. Depends on the day.57. Favourite food? 

      Anything with pasta or rice 58. Last thing you ate?

      pasta 59. First thing you ate this morning?

      beef jerkey. I have weird cravings60. Ever won a competition? For what?

      For being the world’s most emotional bitch 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

      Hell no. Stay in school kids. 62. Been arrested? For what?

      Nope.63. Ever been in love? 

      Yep. Still don’t kiss and tell. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

      I know I just said I don’t kiss and tell but this isn’t talking about the person. Wet. Gross. Sloppy as fuck. They were shit at kissing. 65. Are you hungry right now?

      Nah. 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

      I have one tumblr friend. He’s a pal. 67. Facebook or Twitter?

      Twitter68. Twitter or Tumblr?

      Twitter. I’ll make one for this blog soon. 69. Are you watching tv right now?

      No I’m listening to Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson. 70. Names of your bestfriends? 

      Kim, Michelle, Jessica71. Craving something? What?

      Nothing. 72. What colour are your towels?

      Pink and green72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

      It used to be two until I got a new giant pillow this week. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

      I have them. I don’t sleep with them. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

      Four. I just counted. 75. Favourite animal?

      Meerkats 76. What colour is your underwear?

      Pink. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

      Vanilla 78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

      Strawberry79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

      Grey and pink 80. What colour pants?

      Dark grey and green - I’m in house clothes I don’t match 81. Favourite tv show?

      Jane the Virgin 82. Favourite movie?

      Hairspray 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

      Mean Girls. The second one was trash 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

      Mean Girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

      SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

      Bruce87. First person you talked to today?

      Joey?88. Last person you talked to today?

      Joey. What the hell. 89. Name a person you hate?

      Hm they don’t need their name here90. Name a person you love?

      My brother91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

      Someone from work 92. In a fight with someone?

      Nah I don’t deal with that bs 93. How many sweatpants do you have?

      None. I do leggings tho ( I think I have 7 or 8)94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

      2 hoodies 95. Last movie you watched?

      The Green Book96. Favourite actress?

      Anne Hathaway? 97. Favourite actor?

      Mark Hamill 98. Do you tan a lot?

      I burn a lot. I’m pale99. Have any pets?

       No 100. How are you feeling?

        Alright. Kinda pumped bc my fav cover of Come Together came on (from the Justice League movie)101. Do you type fast?

        Yes but this is still taking me a while to get through 102. Do you regret anything from your past?

        Hell yeah. No tea is being spilled tho103. Can you spell well?

        If I have a pen and paper I’m decent. 104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

        I miss some ppl yeah. Adulting sucks bc you can’t see everyone all the time105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

        Lol that was the only rebellious thing I would do in high school 106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

        Not that I know of? 107. Have you ever been on a horse?

        Yes I love horseback riding 108. What should you be doing?

        Studying for the GRE109. Is something irritating you right now?

        Boring drama stuff. I won’t go into details. I’ll get over it. 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

        Everyone has. 111. Do you have trust issues?

        Sis you already asked this. Yes. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

        My mom? I was crying bc I could fit into old shirts 113. What was your childhood nickname?

        Family calls me Kari. Friends call me Rina114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

        Yep. Last month. 115. Do you play the Wii?

        We play Netflix on the wii116. Are you listening to music right now?

        “I am Woman” by Jordan Sparks 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

        Only from a can. I hate soup. 118. Do you like Chinese food?

        Fuck me up with crab rangoons 119. Favourite book?

        Eragon120. Are you afraid of the dark?

        I don’t like not being able to see. So sure. 121. Are you mean?

        I’m a dick to those I care about. Sorry. 122. Is cheating ever okay?

        Absolutely not. Dump their ass. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

        Nope. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

        I believe in infatuation at first sight125. Do you believe in true love?

         Not sure 126. Are you currently bored?

        I was till I started this 127. What makes you happy?

        anime, superheros, nerdy shit, music and makeup 128. Would you change your name?

        No. I used to want to as a child. 129. What your zodiac sign?

        Cancer. 130. Do you like subway?

        No. It’s gross. 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

        Politely decline132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

        Already answered. 133. Favourite lyrics right now?

        “Yoko Ono, she got that Yoko OnoYou know that shit that made John Lennon go soloKnow that shit gotta be lethalIf that pussy broke up The Beatles” - Jay Z

Murder by Justin Timberlake (Featuring Jay Z)134. Can you count to one million?

        I could. I don’t want to though.135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

        Not sure. 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

        Closed. 137. How tall are you?

        Five foot. Three inches. 138. Curly or Straight hair?

        My hair is wavy. I like both.139. Brunette or Blonde?

        I’m a brunette140. Summer or Winter?

        summer141. Night or Day?

        day 142. Favourite month?

        october143. Are you a vegetarian?

        nope but i’ve considered. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

        dark chocolate. I’m old. 145. Tea or Coffee?

        tea - coffee gives me the shits 146. Was today a good day?

        It was decent. 147. Mars or Snickers?

        Mars148. What’s your favourite quote?

        “It’s not who we are underneath, it’s what we do that defines us.” - Batman Begins 149. Do you believe in ghosts?

        Yes and No150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou)

         GRE prep book “Directions:” It said more but my fingers hurt from typing all day. 

[ineedtopopmyzit]

2020

As I am laying on my bed, tired of cramping and feeling low, I want to reflect back on this year—the year most hated by many. Although this year was vastly different than many other years I have lived so far, I can’t say it was the worst year. Of course, this is just an opinion from my perspective and it’s not taken into the account of the many people who have passed away and whose lives have been affected by the virus. And may be this may sound selfish and careless because I am only merely looking at how this year affected me at the personal level. I think the more people emphasize this year, the less I want to give attention to it. In the end, what’s happened was supposed to happen, however it happened, why it happened isn’t as important as the happening itself. And I want to accept what’s happened/happening as graciously as I can. Not because that’s what I am supposed to do, but because I don’t like feeling devastated that something else was/is in control of my life. I honestly think that if things were normal this year I’d be actually more devastated. Perhaps me saying that is lacking self-belief and confidence, but I don’t know if I would have found a job this year. I don’t know if I would’ve been happy if I did find a job this year. I don’t know if I would’ve been as rested as I feel now. I don’t know if I would’ve feel as grounded as I feel now. For the last couple years, I feel like I was sprinting. And now that I was nearing the finish line, I was starting to doubt what I was running towards. I was running at such full speed that I couldn’t even remember why I was even running. Maybe I was running from depression, running from the past, or maybe running to the past, running from myself... whatever it was, the problem was that I was running and I was forgetting to stop and absorb and to reflect. And if it wasn’t for year 2020, I believe I would probably still be running towards something not realizing it’s probably not what I want. Don’t get me wrong, I am still directionless but at least I stopped running.

I want to reminisce at some of the memorable things that happened this year. And remind myself that I am still making life even when it feels stale, static, and unmoving. While it may seem lazy, unmotivated and lifeless, those fragments make white spaces that make a whole picture feel resound.

Remember we started the year by revisiting Little Women? It brought back memories of childhood. And I felt myself aligning home. Like two shadows of me emerging into one. And I appreciated Louisa May Alcott for writing such story that many others call mundane. I also felt a sense of pride for having a same birthday as her. Jo March, a character who marched to the beat of her own drum. She may slip out whatever words she conjures in her mind but she’s fearless, truthful, independent, free-spirited and self willing. And she always resonated with myself ever since I was little.

Then the dreadful breakup came. And honestly, the year didn’t start out great because of him. So breaking up with him in the first quarter was the best thing that could’ve happened to me this year. It was an extremely hard breakup but also it was relieving. He asked if I could consider keeping in touch with him once I healed, but now revisiting that conversation I think he was selfish to even ask that of me. I don’t know if I will. I guess I still need more time.

The breakup help transpire what came next. Which was just a dating binge. I have never been on so many dates in such a short span of time. I was on so many dates that it takes a little too much effort to remember them all but I shall try. The first date was with a German of course. He cooked me bratwurst and sauerkraut. I went to his house in LB after he allured me by telling me he’ll cook me dinner. Though I told him I am only going as a friend. I really considered having sex with him. But he just really wasn’t my type. I kept being reminded of someone I used to date whom makes my pussy so dry now. After that I lose the order of which guy came first. But I remember the Romanian lawyer. (I know I just had to paint a full picture of the guy I broke up with by making him into fragments... the guy I broke up from was a German lawyer) I think the Romanian lawyer is someone who I would give the most honorable badge to. I told him I was looking for a stranger to have a one night stand with. And I clarify that I didn’t want some cheap one night. I wanted it to be magical and everything I ever dreamed of. I would say this was like redoing my first sex experience. When I told him of my reasons why I wanted to do this, he was so on board with it. So much so that what’s happened between us can be a transcription of an adult novel. I bought a lingerie, he booked an airbnb over looking the ocean with a balcony, also we ordered a couple sex toys. We dreamt up whatever that was going to romance us and this was the time we were going to relinquish them all. Through the 2-3 weeks of planning, he was played the role well of a sensual romantic but not a sleaze, and someone who made me feel comfortable by opening himself up. The only thing I worried was that in person, he may not be my type. But to my surprise, when he showed up after an hour and a half drive to our location, he was definitely up to par. the way he dressed, and his friendly manner was all i was hoping to see. oh and of course the sexual tension was so pulling between us that we just had to get it out of the way when we met. He kind of reminded me of my ex, which was where i hesitated. But he gave me the most magical night imaginable. There were some awkward moments but he listened, he played, he caressed. We talked all night as we fell asleep after 2 or 3 rounds of long pleasure. and they way his eyes devoured me while wearing a lingerie is the look i will never forget. especially after my breakup, it felt really nice to be tantalized and wanted. he wanted me bad. and i wanted him more. but i’m not gonna lie, the sex was a lot of work. our good bye was bittersweet but that's the way it needed to be and nothing else. we were supposed to be two strangers who comes together to make a night of love that we’d imagine we’d receive and never to see each other again (although i couldn’t forget and had to see him 2 more times after this). let’s see... another date i had gone on was with an artist. i think i saw him a total of 2 or 3 times i can’t remember. i do remember the first date though, it was particularly memorable because we had bahn mi sandwiches on a beach i had never been to with couple of beers and that night when i had sex with him, i left with a yeast infection. yup. i particularly remember this because the planned parenthood i went to was the same exit as his house and instead of making a left turn, i had to make a right turn to get to it. i remember my date with a guy who was married to a half korean wife. he took me to gen and talked about how ridiculous it is that we all had to wear masks. it was clear from the dinner that what he wanted out of it was sex. then there was the jewish guy from new york. who clearly stated on his bio that he was separated from his wife. i had the most fun chatting with him but he was definitely looking for one thing. and somehow i understood that, but i just couldn’t bring myself to be one of his weekly girls. i felt downgraded. so i declined his offer. i went on a date with a guy who seemed really willing to move on to more than just sex but i was physically not attracted to him.. but what’s more was that he knew that... and kept asking if it was his height. and i think that to me showed lack of confidence and drew me even further away from wanting him. another date i went on was with a director guy from pasadena. he drove all the way to oc to meet up with me. and i generally had a good vibe with him but in the end we never hit each other up again. he even ended the date with “you are a really cool chick” but i guess it was one of those... you are a really cool chick for someone else. i also was not attracted to him in that way. this is when i realized, i prob like taller guys though i don’t want to admit that because it’s an age old socially constructed sexist belief. i had a phone convo with a guy who wanted to have me over and cook me wellington. he even said i could invite my sister. but the whole thing was fishy and he was real butthurt when i declined his offer. and clingy too. so i decided to never meet up with him and even blocked him. i went on a date with a banker. he wrote poetry and they were beautiful but it was ashamed that the writer had won no integrity from me. his words became distasteful because of his characteristic flaws of ghosting and showed signs of irresponsibility. he also seemed more immature than other guys. then on the last week of my dating binge, i went on a total of 4 dates. one was with a guy from my ceramics class. it was a friendly coffee date on a saturday morning. i really enjoyed his company although later on, he was a little too pushy about his feelings towards me and i had to be more direct with him about my intentions. then on one week day of the same week, i met a guy from baghdad who worked at verizon. i was hesitant about this one because he started the convo with “i can lick your pussy” but in person, he was rather more reserved. then that same night, i met up with another guy from baghdad except he was a much better choice. he was the second noblest out of all the guys i dated this year... he was even going to pick me up in his motorcycle from long beach. he held me, heard me, let me rest all my weight on his shoulders and we never spoke to each other again. then i had a virtual date with a guy who was in a severe motorcycle accident only 3 years ago. i thought we clicked but he ghosted me on our second date plan. i wasn’t even the one to bring up the second date. edit (1/9): i forgot 3 more dates... one was with a pessimistic korean guy. i figured i should ditch the archaic notion that all korean guys are bad. it comes from the divorce and mostly mom educating me based on her one experience of bad marriage. i thought his photos weren’t so bad so i went on a date with him... it was interesting to say the least because first of all, i got pissed at him because he was so opinionated while being rigid. he failed to understand my pov, and kept patronizing me. so i voiced that i am getting really frustrated that he wasn’t open to my pov, so he apologized. he also said that his friends would be shocked to find out that he apologized. also that he went to trader joes to top off our charcuterie board that i mentioned i wanted to do during our chat. oh and he brought me a handful of daisy sort of flowers on a gatorade bottle filled with bright colored water which i thought was really cute. but overall, i just couldn’t get passed his negative point of view of life and love. i felt like he was looking for an optimistic savior who would turn his opinions around. which definitely wasn’t going to be me because being a heroine for another movie other than an autobiography is def not my style at all. the second date i missed to tell was with a scientist who was a front-end developer at some bio tech company. very intelligent and eccentric. like shy but outgoing, relatable yet standoffish. the intrigue was that i couldn't quite figure him out. but there wasn’t any sexual chemistry. perhaps because he said due to covid he couldn’t get his veneers done and he had been wearing his temporaries for 3 months or some obscure amount of days exceeding its freshness that i couldn’t stand to smell his breath 6 feet away. and the not so memorable date was the one hot lawyer who had no personality. it was so disappointing. i had high hopes for him too. but needless to say, he was looking for a hookup. while i appreciate the honesty and upfront-ness, i don’t like the frankness of the situation. i would like to be romanced into having meaningless sex with you. but then maybe that would make me develop feelings. but he was so vanilla that i couldn’t imagine our sex any hotter. he was drier than a textbook. so standard that his cliche line for getting me into his bed was “i can give you a massage.” bore me. i get it... he said his sister was going through chemo and he really needed some good distraction. poor guy. but come on dude. he said he genuinely wanted to see me again... but he genuinely never reached out to me again. so that’s vaguely a totally of 15 dates? in the span of... May-Nov? 7 months? i guess that’s not too bad or too good.. it’s only 2 dates per month ish. i could’ve done more damn it. well i did have multiple dates with one guy(s). also i just remembered that one weekend was a back to back sex with 2 different guys. my pussy was not okay that weekend. the second night guy thought he did a lot of damage but the truth is it’s the first guy who did. it only boosted the second guy’s ego. but he needs it anyway. 

This year, I traveled solo for the first time. it felt liberating. 

Also, I decided that i want to go back to school and perhaps live in Europe. I am feeling encouraged every day. 

I reconnected with my dad. I figured it was time to forgive and reestablish a new relationship that i can nurture myself in. so far, i find it a little challenging at times but it’s definitely better than completely ignoring him. 

I no longer feel so broke, i had time to earn some money and put it towards savings. not a lot but i am not scrabbling for pennies every month like i was when i was in school. 

I think I've grown closer to my sister. we have a lot of fun times together always laughing and eating. we fight but i am trying to enjoy our friendship together until one day we have to part our ways and not live so close to each other anymore. 

I gained more self confidence? it’s more so that i feel better living in my skin. I try to appreciate my body and see less as a superficial shell. 

i have grown new level of appreciation for some of my close friends. 

[mcjour]

i also realized more about how i watch tv & movies

so i’m someone who is very slow at watching stuff. like it takes me like at least twice as long as it should to watch anything. i don’t know exact numbers but the other day i watched a movie that was under 2 hours but it took me like at least 3 hours to watch ...

and i told myself it was adhd. i lose focus and get distracted. 

well i realized this week that that’s not it.

or. not the full story. i think that’s definitely still part of it but

i also have noticed before this week that i pause the show/movie a lot when i experience secondhand embarrassment. i read something maybe a week or so ago where someone said something about they don’t like to watch embarrassing things because of the shame and i was like ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

but the realization this week was from the happiest season. meh mixed feelings on that movie LOL. i would say ask me if you want to know more but alas i do not think anyone is even reading this (nor do i really want anyone to anyway)

anyway i caught myself pausing that movie a lot. and it seems like every time i felt any emotion, good or bad, i felt it in my chest and i had to pause. so apparently i do not like feeling ANY emotion????

i wish i had like written down the instances so i could talk to my therapist about it or something but i dont think i realized until the film was mostly over and also that would’ve been a weird thing to take notes over.

i definitely am sure i must’ve paused at some secondhand embarrassment thing. but i also think i paused when there was anything .. cute? like idk an exact moment maybe it was a kiss or something? just something between the couple? who knows.

so i was like ok well seeing cute things isn’t bad right? so maybe i just feel every emotion in my chest and i hate all emotions?? and was satisfied with that. well not satisfied. but like in an “ok let’s file this away for my next therapy session” kind of satisfied LOL.

but then tonight i watched frozen and i cried (LOL) (i cry very easily) and i didn’t feel anything in my chest nor did i need to pause the movie (ok i needed to pause the movie because the cat needed me but not because of any emotion or chest pain). i don’t remember what i cried at but it was probably sentimental and maybe sad idk ??

so i’m like okay hold up. i thought movie emotions were paralyzing me but i guess not?

so i’m now in 2 directions

1 is like ok maybe it’s that adult shows/ movies have more adult emotions? that sounds weird to type out, i’m definitely not articulating that the way i am intending to LOL. but i noted before that i have a much easier time watching kids shows and kids movies than adult ones. so maybe there’s something about the adult movies that invoke more emotion or something??? but this theory doesn’t really make sense to me because an emotion is still an emotion??? like sad is still sad whether it came from a kids movie versus an adult one?

2 so then i got thinking about how it originally tied back to secondhand embarrassment. embarrassment, shame. huh if we didn’t already realize shame is like my top emotion. that certainly explains the chest sensations when something embarrassing was happening, but what about the “good” stuff? so maybe love and shame are intertwined for me??? icky!! but would make sense in a lot of the stuff i’ve seen, even beyond this “rom com” (or whatever you would categorize it as). like i’m sure i have felt that even during some of the kids stuff. 

HUH. maybe that’s why i felt icky the other day about the convo with my old social worker. just like... shame flickering up underneath? i’m not sure i understand why, but that still.. makes sense to me

ANYWAY this movie then added another layer that a lot of other movies that give me the icky feeling don’t .... which is a gay relationship!! (like i watched a different BAD straight romcom with my friends last week and i didnt feel shit but also like i said it was BAD). and so when they were being all cute together, it kind of gave me like idk a butterfly feeling, like ohh that’s cute, i want that. or idk i assume that is what it was. but it also still had that same chest sensation of like ok make it stop. 

hehe i don’t even like to say “lesbian” that word is loaded with shame yikes

that said, i still think that shame would probably still be there if i was straight considering it is not limited to ~romantic love~ i think it is also not limited to ~being queer~ but idk

mmmmmmmmmm. i don’t think that the shame originated from my “recent” trauma with L. i think this is something that came long before her. i mean,.. i’m sure she didn’t help at all and probably added fuel to the fire but this is like deep deep in my core long before her.  

[jigsisanalien]

i dont know what he expected from this...im so tired of this story to the point that honestly, why on earth i got along with those people for that long.

I dont want to repeat myself, im tired of this, not so such a long story short, ive tried to be friends with the dude, but even though he knew i had someone, he kept putting his hands on me (calling it being friendly), that was not acceptable specially when i was clearly uncomfortable and was trying to get away (grabbing by the ribs next to boob, rubbing the inner tight...). Even that, i kept trying to be his friend, he wasnt living in our country so that was doable. We planned a vacay to his country, but when my friend told me he was coming aswell, i was like, nope, im not about to sleep in the same room as him.

When he came back i tried to be his friend again(because he was in our group of friends), well, that didnt worked, soon he started to act like i was his gf, specially in front of our friends and HIS family, he wanted to bring me to his brothers house for dinner because his SIL wanted to meet me...why??? He used to put me against the wall, trying to know things “oh if youre not coming to meet me what are you going to do, so how was your nephew...” just shit like that, trying to caught me in a lie and shit, because i didnt wanted to meet him, then try to make me say yes to go with him, which i had to turn down at last minute because i honestly didnt felt comfortable in going.

I didnt want to be around him because he made me uncomfortable, he looked like a creep to me, and his actions showed just that, and the worst part was that he had our group of friends manipulating us, or at least me, and pushing him to do it, to get upon me, even after what he did last year, i felt so grossed out.

Our group went down while that and we started to talk again, we talk everything down like, everything, he was the first to tell me he liked me as a good friend and that he liked someone else, i though everything was done, but nope, he started to push the boundaries again, and being pushy to know about a dude that said by mistake, it was an hypotheses not for real, i was trying to make my other friend to stop putting us to as a couple, i felt disgusted just by listening to that, literaly i wanted to puke, he kept pushing me to say it, but i didnt budge and soon after i cut my communication again with him.

The thing is, is not just the creepy part of him, hes also a plain bread, his convos always lead to his family and shit, noticing that he never leaves the house, i get bored going out with him, he never gets along with nothing minimally fun, like at all, hes boring. Then theres the disgusting stories about how he fucked this and that, specially at work, and the way he tells them, like, only now he is telling them, nobody ever seen him with a girl, like ever, there was no way he would have time to do that, they all seem like a lie, but why he tell us that? Gross, i dont tell about the people i fuck to nobody.

Yet i kept going out with him because either it was our friends bday, or just a lunch, i kept my communications short aswell in person and i try not even to dress myself up as i usually do. Also, i never gave him a hint that i was interested, i think i did the other way around, yet he keeps pushing and pushing, seeing if i break. As a person i wouldnt be near interested in him, its already meh to be his friend, after all he did, no way in hell and dont even want to see his face.

So he had this girl he was trying with, tbh it all seemed like a made up shit just like he always did, specially the timing she appeared when i step away from him because everybody was telling stuff about him being too creep on me and that he liked me. A couple of weeks ago he stopped talking to my friend, she though it was odd, even after the second third, nothing, he just cut off, after a week he wanted to meet with her for lunch, yet he said nothing to her, he just said it was nothing about the girl, neither it was about me and my friend. We were confused, yet he stopped talking for a week again, i decided to text him too, but he only answer after a week saying that nothing was alright, asking how i was and if i could meet him, i didnt answer to him, hell no i was going to meet him alone, and why he wasnt telling her even tho he was going to cry to her, and why in the hell he was wanting to talk to me.

I told him i was busy, but maybe next week (or not), just didnt wanted to go. He once again stopped talking for days, he then asks again to go out with my friend for lunch...im starting to find it odd tbh. She told him out of the blue that i was in another city (the city of the person im with and like), and he started to be cold to her *rolls eyes*, actually i had to come early so i was able to go to the lunch, he didnt knew and saw me there. He tryed to make convo but i wasnt budging or shits. Then what happen was like...are you retarded? Anyway, my friend needed to go to a store, but only one person could enter, we were both outside, me seeing her looking around lost went to the other side to see her better and see if she saw me to help her, but she didnt, i tried to look around from that place for what she was looking for but didnt, i called my sister in the mean while, once i looked he was gone, i though he was sat somewhere, anyway, someone left the store and i went to see her. When we leave the store, we dont see him anywhere, she starts to call him, it rings and rings and nothing, he hangs up the call after 2min, then texts her saying he was outside...honestly i wouldnt be surprised that he went away. But why all of this crap, i was trying to help my friend not necessarily stay away from him, i think im an adult enough to deal with him, i dont need to ran away like he did.

Like my friend says also, hes 20yo, im almost 30, for crying out loud, he should be living his best years yet hes doing all of this crap...also, isnt he the one who talks how he fucks all of those girls and shit? Why cant he get one now then?

I honestly just want him to leave us two alone. We both tried to be his friend but hes impossible and i honestly will never forget the creepy part of him calling it “this is how i am friendly” mmh k, yes ill start to touch my friends dicks too from now on out of friendship.

[sedna-integration]

Thanks to a certain someone on discord indulging me with my dumb childhood stories and other inane bs I remembered something. But first some context:

From Aug of 05 to Dec of 06 I lived in Texas due to Hurricane Katrina. I swapped schools my first year there due to moving away from the relatives that hosted us. After I swapped schools I also ended up swapping classes when they finally checked my IEP over a month later because the way they handled “gifted” students was to have them all in one particular class and get pulled out for the “gifted” class 1 or 2 days a week for the entirety of the day(s). (I can’t remember if it was 1 or 2 days. I have gifted in quotes because the name of these programs have changed since and I am not sure what they are called now.) Anyway, the specific story I told them, albeit more detailed, is: There was this tall(er than me) meganekko busty blonde girl who always had on a somewhat loose grey pullover in my class. We went to different classrooms for each period and had preset seating in each one (it wasn’t alphabetical) but almost all of them we sat next to each-other. Our class had this mandated reading-class-thing where we’d go into the library for a class period, do some group reading+discussion, and then some of those online computer activities (you know the ones) or other reading-based work. Iirc it was because Blue Bonnet reading was/is a big thing there. I can’t recall how many times a week this was or if it was an every day thing either so sorry about that. At some point we had to partner up with someone for whatever the lesson plan was and this lasted for quite some time. I dunno why but she chose me by latching on to my left arm sorta like this but she held me way too close & my head was breast level LOL.

I was so confused at the time but I’m one of those emotionless looking dudes so I’d like to assume she couldn’t tell but she was pretty damn perceptive. I didn’t know what the hell she grabbed me for initially or why she was smashing the side of my head into her chest & her followup didn’t help at all. She’d taken my hand & swung our arms back and forth while skipping in this comical saturday-morning-cartoon way before pushing my arm away and pouting in an equally comical way so I gave up trying to figure out what her angle was. Ofc immediately after this the teacher comes over & brings us back to reality with the pair work. From that point onward we talked a whole lot more and I ended up looking forward to her shenanigans every week. Though I actively put some space between us at times (hopefully not enough to be noticeable) b/c people treated me poorly and I didn’t want her caught up in that. To elaborate on the why of that last bit and set up for what I remembered and why it matters I need to give a bit of a rundown on myself as well. I have almost always been alone socially and otherwise. I’m not close to my family in any regard. I’d consistently been picked on a lot & I’d always been relatively quiet even before I began to avoid speaking in general down the line. My scoring within the top 5% of my class (esp while being black), being an introvert in the early 2000, caring about art, the way I spoke/words I used, and not having interest in sports (again esp while black) led to people condemning me for 1 or more of those things so I started to keep my mouth closed about what little I was interested in as early as age 5. Unfortunately this also led to bullying as well due to people taking my silence & lack of contribution to discussion as me looking down on them. Part of it was that I also didn’t know a lot about sports (a very common topic) & oftentimes I wasn’t allowed to watch many of the shows my classmates did and thus had nothing to say or contribute. Being black meant either I couldn’t be intelligent or that if I was/spoke with anything beyond rudimentary vocabulary I was some kind of race traitor. I couldn’t offer to help anyone with work they were having trouble with w/o being accused of belittling them either.  Most people I came across had no clue what introversion was adults included. I only found out when I was 6 or so because I was forced to find a way to prove I wasn’t some “fucked up abnormality”. I was/am also very physically capable sports-wise and combat-wise despite my lack of interest in the former and my abhorring the latter. The former invited ire due to the whole “nerds aren’t supposed to be good at school and sports” thing. While the latter gave me a reprieve if I ever went there it only lasted until they realized if they pushed me only the “right amount” I’d never fight. The reason any of this matters is I am very careful about who I let get close to me physically & emotionally. I wanted to give credence as to why I am how I am as well as putting that on display. I really really REALLY dislike being touched by those I am not familiar with on a personal level. People I have been acquainted with for years still have to be careful about casually hugging me b/c I’ll reflexively respond with elbow jabs and the like.  Back then my intuition was already at the point it’d give me a relatively accurate read of who was and wasn’t “safe”. So despite all of that + my misgivings about people in general I was fine with everything she did. There were a couple instances where she hugged me from the front or behind like so and would just sit her head on mine and I didn’t do anything to stop her. I didn’t want to. 

She never forcefully invaded my personal space. Even though the first time was spontaneous it wasn’t forceful in execution. Easing her way into my personal space the way she did to do what she did is the reason I realized I am actually a physically affectionate person. I’d never been exposed to it within my family or among what few friends I had until that point aside from those shitty face value ones aunts and uncles would try that I’d avoid partaking in. This along with my isolation (intentional or otherwise) makes it something difficult for me to approach even now. Many of the minute details above were omitted w/ the discord friend due to my inability to recall them. That convo helped me remember all of the above and more. The girl’s name, how she treated me, how her treatment of me affected others, how important she was to me and why. Shelby was the first person at that school to treat me like another person rather than a tool or some kind of abnormality whom needed to be fixed. She was the first reason I began looking forward to going to a school I hated being at. She helped me understand myself a little better likely w/o ever intending to. Regardless of intent she facilitated a situation where I was seen by some as just another dude.

It’s crazy that I couldn’t recall so much w/o her name because I never forgot what she looked like despite that seeming like the easier thing to do. Until now whenever I sat down to try to remember her name I failed to yet here it just came out of the blue when I was done reminiscing. Her name popping into my mind with the familiar image of her beaming as she oft would followed by all these little details is too ethereal. Feels like I’ll forget again if I don’t record this somewhere. 

I’m elated and grateful both to that friend for humoring me and to Shelby for being the goofy jester she had been even before I came to realize it. There are too many small innocuous things that happened with/due to her back then I wish I’d never forgotten about. Maybe it’s my lack of connections to others at play but small things meant and still do mean so much more to me than any large/grand gestures do. It makes it all the more disconcerting that all this was neatly locked away somewhere when I can remember the day my sister was born better than my mom can. One thing that has me kinda fucked up is remembering being excited to go to the same middle school as her. I didn’t bother trying to get to know her better because the same day I had that thought I learned I’d be moving away. So much came back to me now I’m happy & frustrated. I never told her how grateful I was back then. I tried to on my last day there but I ended up almost crying every time so I gave up. I never hugged her back or told her I appreciated her either. From her perspective it may not even be that big a deal but it is to me. This is also the type of guy I am. The minute things that we often take for granted are the most important things to me so I want the people that stay with me to know that I appreciate those things. Even if those decisions you make and actions you take aren’t something you spend a lot of time or effort on the fact that they are made with consideration for me is very much appreciated and I want these people to know that. I wanted her to know that. It took me too long to be able to be able voice these things despite my blunt brazen approach to near everything. Now I have a poignant desire to tell her precisely how much I appreciated her. Knowing I likely will never get the opportunity is very frustrating. Yet I stupidly hope I will come across her again.  Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll see that smile again in person. Both images are I googled tall girl + word + anime and just so happend to get those two as the results that fit and both are from doujns so beware. 1. Tall+Short by Kitakawa Touta 2. Doki Doki Body Wall by Makinosaka Shinichi Edit: Cleaned this up a bit and added some detail. As an addendum: 1. This was 13y ago so I was 11 in the 5th grade. Idk why but she and 2 other girls in our grade were built like idealized 17 y/o’s which was actually part of why Shelby wore the pullover. 2. I’m not pining for her or anything. I couldn’t tell you if I was into her or if she was into me the way kids tend to be back then and really it doesn’t matter if it was or wasn’t the case.  3. For the above: I have only wanted to have a small number of close friends to spend my time with since early on in HS. Having my own family was something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember but I don’t think it’s good for me specifically to explicitly pursue romance so I don’t and didn’t. I don’t want to go looking for love, platonic or otherwise, in all the wrong places. I’ve seen how that goes too many times lol.  A natural progression is more my speed anyway. 

[mfmagazine]

Melissa Joan Hart

Article by Lauren Weigle

She “explained it all” to us as Clarissa Darling with her mismatched fashions and adolescent perspective on life. She cast a spell over us making us fall deeper and deeper in love with her as Sabrina The Teenage Witch. She’s also won our hearts while making us laugh out loud in films like Drive Me Crazy, Can’t Hardly Wait, and Not Another Teen Movie. But, her current leading role on Melissa & Joey is where she’s really made all of us red in the face with laughter. I’m sure you know who I’m talking about by now… She’s practically a household name… You guessed it. It’s Melissa Joan Hart. This industry veteran isn’t just a rockstar on the screen. In fact, she is quite the accomplished entrepreneur. For a deeper look into what Melissa’s all about, I’ll give you a little peek into the convo I had with her the other day while she was spending some time on the East Coast.

Okay. Tell me about your store, Sweet Harts, and where the idea came from.

Yea! It’s been open a little over two years now and my mom and I, through all our travels all over the world, have always explored candy stores, so we really wanted to open our own. And, we thought, Sweet Harts, would be an adorable name for it. It probably more started with the name than anything else. Then, people started investing in it and we got this little store off the ground. It’s in Sherman Oaks, California right now, but we’d like to expand it to other areas and see how that goes over. I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but it’s this beautiful little shop. We have birthday parties, baby showers, kids come after school, and they come after little league games. It’s been really fun.

So what is your favorite goodie or candy that you have in the store?

I just love the idea of ring pops I think since I was a little girl. You get that giant ring and you get to suck on it ‘cause it’s sugary!

Do your kids have any Sweet Harts favorites? Are they ring pop fans too?

My five year old always loves those fish lollipops. They’re almost like gummy fish on a stick, but they’re sour too. My three year old is really into the Pucker machine. It’s one of those machines where you basically make your own Pixie stick, but it’s called Pucker Powder. You can put whatever flavors and colors you want in there and they love to make those. They don’t want to eat it. They just want to make it.

Okay, let’s talk about one of the other projects you work on with your mother…Hartbreak Films, Inc. What are some of the perks when it comes to working with family?

Well, the good thing is, who are you going to trust more than your mom, ya know? You always know she’s got your back and everything’s going to go well. But, there’s always times when the mother/daughter line gets crossed with your working relationship, so we’ve had to learn over the years. I mean, we’ve been doing it about eighteen years, so we’ve had to learn how to put certain things aside or business aside and deal with the other issue that may be at hand. One of the plus sides is that it makes you talk to your mom all the time. It’s a great way to be on the phone with your mom. You stay in touch more.

Can you tell me about some of the projects you have going on right now with Hartbreak?

Sure! Well, the history of it all is that my mom found the Archie comics Sabrina The Teenage Witch and brought it to Viacom where we decided to make it a TV movie for Showtime. Then, from that spawned the show and we did that for many years. Along with that, we were doing the animated series, a bunch of TV movies. I actually just ran into Ryan Reynolds a few minutes ago and he was in the first Sabrina movie with me. So, we had a long-running franchise with that of course.

What about some of the other projects?

We did a ton of other TV movies in the process. We did a movie about Shirley Temple’s life story. She wouldn’t give the project to anybody else, except us, which was wonderful because she is a huge idol of mine. It was a great moment to meet her and give her blessing to tell her story. It meant a lot to me. Just last year our first feature film came out on DVD called Nine Dead, that we shot in Baton Rouge. And then we did the TV movie, My Fake Fiance, which is pretty much where Melissa & Joey came from. The network loved the chemistry between us and decided to create a TV show. So, that’s where we are now. Other than that we also have a web-series that will be up very soon. I can’t really talk about it, but it’s going to be a really fun, family-oriented reality web-series. It’s sort of like a family talk show. That’s one that I’m really excited about. We have an animated show in the works, another TV show being done in Canada, a feature, and a few other things also.

Boy, sounds like your plate is pretty much full. Back to Sabrina, though, how did you guys first decided to take it from just a movie and expand it into an entire TV series?

Oh, it was really simple, actually. Before the movie even aired, my mother had sat with an editor and cut together a trailer of what it could look like as a TV show. She then went to five different networks. Three of them bid on it in a room and ABC ended up being the best choice for it, putting the show on TGIFriday’s time slot. We were shootin’ it by that Fall!

So, what was it like working on Sabrina?

It was wonderful. I had a blast. Clarissa was a lot of fun to do too, but it was hard because I was also in high school. But, Sabrina was really the first time I worked as an adult even though my mom was on the set with me. I was on my own. I was living by myself. I bought a car. I moved to LA. I was so excited to be on my own and working. I loved the crew. We pretty much had the same crew for over seven years and we had a blast. We travelled the world together and became best friends.

Yea, ya know, when you were on Clarissa Explains It All, I used to watch you all the time and try to dress like you, but it was always a complete fail.

I know! I watch it now and some of the things are back in style and some of them are not at all. It’s so funny because that’s what I always get. When I was Clarissa, people would always tell me they want to dress like me and they loved my style. When I was Sabrina, people would tell me how they loved the cat and how their kids loved my show. Now that I’m doing Melissa & Joey, I get, “Oh, you’re so funny.” It’s just such a compliment. I love that people are telling me I’m so funny like they’re just figuring it out. (She laughs.)

Like it’s a new discovery, right? Well, you've always been funny. I guess maybe that goes without saying sometimes for people. I mean, your list of credits and accomplishments is beyond amazing. As a veteran in entertainment, what do you feel are some of the key ingredients to being successful in your career?

Well, the thing with this business is that there’s no set plan. There’s no moving up the ladder, getting the promotion. You can have a great show with a great character who’s iconic, but when it’s over, you’re back down at the bottom of the ladder again. You have to fight your way back to the top. It really is a business of rejection. You have to have a thick skin and you have to be willing to take a lot of crap to get what you want. Your managers and agents aren’t always enough. Sometimes you have to push your own career along. That’s why I’m producing and directing and those kind of things too. It’s a game of numbers, too, but it’s not an easy way to make a living. That’s for sure.

So how do you juggle marriage, motherhood, home life, and your career, ‘cause you do so much?

I literally take it day by day. When I get home, I’ll look at my calendar and figure out what needs to happen. Do we need our nanny tomorrow? Am I going to make it to the gym tomorrow? What do the kids have to do? I have to make preparations for everything. I know what the next year of my life looks like until next August, month by month… when I’ll be in Connecticut and when I’ll be in California, so I can plan Christmas parties and things like that based on when I’m going to be in town. So, I have to be that far ahead of time while at the same time take it day by day.

Well, clearly, your role on Melissa & Joey differs from your real life as a loving and active mother, but, at the same time, can you relate to your character as she’s a career woman juggling home life as well?

Yea. I mean, the one thing is that my kids are kind of growing up gradually while she was kind of thrown into it. With my character, I take my natural Mommy instinct and I do the exact opposite for the show. But, at the same time, we actually are going through the same thing. I hadn’t really thought of it that way before. We’re both trying to pursue careers while trying to raise good children and it depends on the day which one actually takes priority. Like, is today a day that my kids really need me or is today a day that I can escape and go to work? It’s tough and there’s sacrifices on both sides. I think our generation was told that we can be great moms and CEOs. I think it’s a really hard thing to do both great. I think you’re really lucky to be able to do both things good.

Well, since you said you have the whole year planned out, what do you have in store for us with Melissa & Joey?

Well, right now you’re seeing the second half of the first season. It’s still technically the first season. There’s about 12 or 13 more episodes this season. And, in a couple weeks, we’re going back to start filming season two! The storylines are just being figured out. If the ratings really pick up more, then, hopefully we’ll go from there.

What’s the chemistry like on set?

With Melissa & Joey, we all have families and we’re all really focused on making a really great show. So, what’s really fun is that we’ve opened up the lines of communication so that we could give each other notes. Like, “Hey, if you try this it might be funnier than that,” or, “What if you say this instead?” Now, we have that kind of communication across the cast and the crew has started chiming in as well. We’re really all in it together, so it’s a nice collaborative effort to make it the show the best it can be.

Some say the show is like a modern day’s Who’s The Boss. What are some of the twists and aspects of the show that make it different?

For starters, you have two people that are not parents on the show. On that show they were both parents. On this show they come into in completely blind. Another thing that’s different, which I actually think is the main ingredient for the show, is that Mel and Joe don’t like each other. They bicker and quarrel. I feel like the show has elements of Moonlighting and of The New Adventures of Old Christine. Like where the mom is not really the greatest mom. She’s sort of a wreck. She’s just a hot mess that you love to watch like in this show. I just feel like our show is really funny. Who’s The Boss was a great show and it lasted forever, so if we have that kind of blessing, we would be very lucky.

[go-go-ghost-ship]

Ok,a couple people requested I post the stuff I wrote up about my thoughts on the current Gunnerkrigg pages, so here it is. Be warned it’s kind of ramble-y and sloppy and probably a bit repetitive at times, but I originally wrote this just because I couldn't stop thinking about it and needed to get it out of my head. So, here you go, and feel 100% welcome to talk to me about it, whether you agree or not.

(Be warned, it IS like 3 pages long lol)

Gunnerkrigg Court thoughts, March 10th 2017 Chapter 61: Page 13

ok I need to get these out so i stop thinking about it lol

i think this is a good conversation for the characters to have, and I think from Red’s perspective it does sort of make sense. However, I feel like Red’s complaints aren’t entirely accurate here? (Note: points 1 and 2 are basically one giant combined point but oh well) 1. She’s acting like Annie forced her friends to do this, as if they dont have any free will of their own. Now, the two fairies were last minute recruits for the mission, but the other four were all pretty personally invested in the mission. It wasn’t just Annie’s mission at this point; it was also Kat’s, and Smitty’s, and Parley’s. Most of them had pretty personal attachments to this mission as well; Parley after the whole Coward Heart incident, and Kat because of the whole Diego/creator angle. I can’t think of one for Smitty, but he likes to help people out and he’s a medium himself, I’m sure this was something he WANTED to do as well. And I keep forgetting Robot was there with them since he only showed up for a brief period of time, but obviously we all know he’s invested in Jeanne. They’ve all been planning this for years, and they knew the dangers. We don’t really know at this point how well Annie warned the fairies how dangerous it would be, but I’m sure she gave them some warning, plus they HAVE met Jeanne before back when they met Annie for the first time. Also, if we’re going to blame whoever got everyone else involved in the mission, then along that line of thinking the blame should be on the Psychopomps, who asked Annie (a CHILD) to help. 2. The others chose to participate, had been helping to plan this mission for YEARS, and most had personal investments in the mission: Yeah, maybe the others getting involved was Annie’s doing, but like I said, most of them had a personal investment in the mission, and they all CHOSE to participate. Plus, we’ve already had a chapter about how Annie shouldn’t keep everything to herself, and that it can be good to get other people’s help (her convo with Jones during the control tower arc). Maybe she should’ve told the adults, but like I’ll say in another point down below, the Court is the reason Jeanne is down there in the first place. To tell someone loyal to the Court would’ve compromised the whole mission, and I think everyone’s agreed that it’s not right for Jeanne to be trapped down there against her will. There are a couple people they could trust, like Kat’s parents, Jones, and Eglamore, but I doubt any of them would've been okay with the kids doing this. I guess you could argue about whether or not they should’ve done this whole mission in the first place, and maybe they shouldn’t have, but 1) this IS a story, and they’ve been setting this up for a while, of course they’re gonna do it lol, 2) they’re trying to do what they think is right, and although we don’t know what the consequences of freeing Jeanne are just yet, I think we can all agree that it wasn’t right or fair what the Court did to Jeanne 3. Red’s acting like Annie wasn’t taking the mission seriously or something, when RED was the one messing around the most. She wasn’t even invited along, she just came cause Ayilu went. Ayilu almost got stabbed in the face because Red was the one distracting her. I feel like part of the root of why she’s saying all this is because she might not have reapplied just how dangerous the mission was, even if they had tried to explain it to her beforehand. Knowing her personality, she comes across as the kind of person who doesn’t realize somethings dangerous until its happening. I do however like that she's bringing this up, as I don’t like the idea of the faeries being these complete naive idiots who would be completely fine being put in danger cause they never realize the seriousness of a satiation. 4. Annie focused on Jeanne because she was dangerous and to complete their mission: Red says Annie just left Smitty there to bleed to death, but 1) leading Jeanne into the aether was their whole mission, and that’s what she was doing, and 2) Jeanne was the whole reason they were in danger. By getting her out of the way as quickly as possible, she removed the danger from her friends. It’s hard to care for someone who’s injured while you’re still getting attacked. 5. Even if they had gotten Smitty to a doctor, there’s no guarantee they would’ve been able to save him, plus he would’ve had to go into surgery and would’ve taken a while to recover. With the Psychopomps power, it was a guaranteed save with zero recovery time and no permanent injuries. Red says Annie made him wait in pain, but the psychopomps method was easily the quickest way to get rid of both the pain and the injury. 6. The group prepared as well as they could have, they can’t account for everything that could happen: Red could try and argue that maybe they didn’t prepare well enough for the mission, but honestly? They were pretty well prepared. I’m not sure they could’ve been much more prepared than they were. They can’t account for everything that could’ve happened, they just had to prepare their best and do what they could. 7. Getting in trouble with the Court could’ve compromised ALL of their safeties: Red says Annie didn't want to get in trouble, and while I don’t doubt some of Annie’s reluctance to take Smitty to the doctor was rooted in selfish reasons, she’s not the only one who would’ve gotten in trouble. And knowing the Court, the people who TRAPPED JEANNE DOWN THERE in the first place, it would’ve been more than just a week of detention. They could’ve all gotten kicked out (including Red and Ayilu!), plus the court probably didn't want Jeanne to be removed. They might’ve chosen someone else to replace her, and that someone could’ve easily come from Annie’s group. We know how capable the Court is of making inhumane and unethical decisions. Yes, Smitty’s safety (and everyone else’s safety as well) was the most important thing to this mission, and compromising it in order to save someone was definitely something they should do. However, like I said, letting the Court find out probably would’ve compromised ALL of their safeties. 8. Ayilu needs to speak up: i also really want Ayilu to say something? Red’s the one getting angry on her behalf, while Ayilu’s standing RIGHT THERE. I feel like she needs to speak up on her view of things. She’s her own person, she doesn’t need Red to speak for her. I want her to say something, regardless of whether she’s going to defend or attack Annie. 9. Annie is a bit selfish, but she’s also been put on the spot: I DO feel like Annie’s not making as good of an argument that she could, which could be a result of being put on the spot, but it also kind of shows that she might’ve been making her decisions based more on selfish reasons that truly logical ones. Which I do think is a good thing to be called out on; even though I mostly agree with what she did I agree for different reasons that than the ones she’s giving, and if she was only thinking about herself in these situations then it could lead to her making selfish decisions that I DONT agree with and that are objectively bad decisions. Even though I don’t agree with everything Red’s saying, I do think this is good for Annie to hear. I just don’t want it to end like this, I want some legitimate rebuttal to Red’s points.

I dont want the conclusion for this chapter to be that Annie’s a perfect, flawless angel that did nothing wrong, but I ALSO don’t want it to be that the entire mission was Annie’s fault and that she did everything wrong and she’s completely selfish, etc. I want her to grow and learn from it, and for her to realize what was at stake here, but I don’t want her to walk away form it thinking that she’s a terrible person, or for the others to think she's a terrible person. This situation is more complex than just “Annie’s perfect vs Annie’s terrible”, y’know? She might not’ve made all the best decisions, but she tried her best, and yes she has flaws but so do all the other characters. I don’t want Annie to leave this conversation thinking that she should never ask others for help ever again.

Some added info after March 13th, Chapter 61: Page 14:

It was very dangerous, tough mission they were all taking part in, against a ghost who has literally killed not only multiple creatures, but multiple escorts of the dead. And they, a group of teenagers, managed to complete the mission (one that more powerful, adult creatures failed at) without anyone actually dying or anyone becoming permanently injured from it. I’d say they did a pretty damn good job, Red. - At least Annie did manage to point out that Parley was personally invested in facing Jeanne, but Red didn’t really react to it. -Annie…Kat’s been working with you on this whole Jeanne thing for as long as you have. She was invested in it just like you, and she’s your best friend who loves you with her whole heart. You’re really gonna believe that you forced her to do this now? (Though I understand that it’s more of a guilt/self-doubt sort of thing going on here) -Ayilu still hasn’t said anything?? -At the very least, it seems like Red isn’t really acting super mad (based on her body language and facial expressions on this a page) so hopefully this won’t turn into a big fight or anything -And again with the whole ‘this was only what YOU wanted Annie’ shtick. Nevermind the fact that she, a CHILD, was personally asked by the magical escorts of the dead to help with this, or the fact that her friends have been working with her on this for years, or the fact that she doesn’t personally get anything out of this and really mainly did it because she thought it was the right thing to do. Nope, this was entirely Annie’s fault. Geez.

I’ll just say as a last note that the more I think about what Red’s saying, the more I disagree with her. However, I’ve always enjoyed Tom’s stories, and I have faith in him as a writer, plus at this point we’re really only nearing the middle of the chapter, so I’m hopeful that Red’s viewpoint is going to get challenged eventually. I think once the others from the mission show up they’ll be able to offer a rebuttal to Red’s point of view. Anyway, feel free to talk to me about any of this! I’m always down to talk about Gunnerkrigg Court.

[latoyarubalcava3546]

Teen Mom 2 Stars Kailyn Lowry & Javi Marroquin Say The Show Killed Their Marriage — And Address Rumors They're Getting Back Together!

Could Kailyn Lowry and Javi Marroquin ever get back together?

Some Teen Mom 2 fans seem to have gotten excited by the prospect after Javi and girlfriend Briana DeJesus broke up last week.

Especially since the couple have been so supportive of one another lately.

Related: Kailyn Blasts THIS Baby Daddy For 'Barely' Doing The 'Bare Minimum'

But when Kailyn and cohost Lindsie Chrisley had her ex come on their Coffee Convos podcast, he wasn't very hopeful.

He explained:

"I just think that there's a lot of history between us that [neither] one of us will ever let go. Even if we were to try again in the future it wouldn't work because I know the type of person I am and the type of person she is. We argue. It just wouldn't happen."

And sorry, Kavi fans, but Kailyn agreed:

"I couldn't have said it better. I don't think we could get back together."

Interestingly, they both think being on TV doomed their marriage!

Kailyn explained:

"I honestly feel like if we didn't have this relationship on TV, it wouldn't have went the way that it did. It played a huge factor in it because other people get involved and I'm not just saying the media and outsiders. I'm saying friends and money and egos and reputation gets taken a step further. I think that has a lot to do with it too."

So insightful and mature! She should be on a show called Adult Mom...

Video: Meanwhile, Farrah Abraham...

BTW, if you happen to be a fan of Javi and Briana (Briavi?), there may still be hope there. Javi told Kailyn:

"I don't know what the future holds. There is a lot we have to discuss and talk about before we make any other decisions... But if we do get back together, I would hope we can all get along."

Kailyn was sure of one thing -- she is NOT going to get along with Briana and not nearly as well with Javi if he's back with her. She said:

"It would never happen. We would never get along. You allowed her to disrespect me to my face, also on camera, also in text messages. When I said what I had to say in a nice way you defended her and not me. We raise a son together, you don't raise a son with her."

Well, there you go!

Do YOU want one of these couples to reunite??

[Image via WeTV.]