#and she never responded to my text
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yo why the fuck would you offer your home to me as an escape from a) my home life b) my brain but every time i ask you when i actually need to and not just to hang out it’s always no.
WHY EVEN OFFER THEN?
#no bc this particular ‘friend’ actually just makes me so upset#she was going through rough times last week and i kept checking in on her throughout that week#and she never responded to my text#but she did call my friend and i to scheme against her ex#WHILE AIRING ME#i just dont get the need to be so fucking cruel#it isn’t the first time where she OFFERS to do something for me#and i rarely take her up on her offers#but when i do there’s always something#oh and while she was airing me#she was frequently posting on her close friend story#and talking about how she needs to stop having#sweet treats everyday#because shes looking like someone#who has sweet treats everyday#she is unbelievably slim and she does not look#like someone who has a sweet treat everyday#but she knows i have an ED#and she triggered me#peaches chats shit
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#thinking about death again bc my dad texted an update on my mum#apparently she got a blood transfusion and threw up. thrilling stuff. but it just nudges at my head#bc it just makes me think. when shes gone its going to leave a trace. the outline of a person#i dont kno why i find that so upsetting. i just think about all the half completed scrapbooks that will whither away in my sisters old room#and it makes me cry. shell leave behind her incomplete scrapbooks. half tumbled rocks. containers of sea glass and lucky stones. digital#conversation thatll never be responded to. shoes and clothes#and memories. evidence of of a life no longer there to live it#and it just makes me sad i guess. i dunno. theres something sad about a project that will never be finished#a project doomed to be forgotten because it was only ever in the care of one person#but thats how it goes. what is is. nothing to be done about it but feel that sadness#i dunno. my head is full of static and frustration for unrelated reasons#but death pokes at my head during the day and i lose my already unsteady focus in an effort not to cry#im tired and sad and wishing my medication was working better#shes not even dead yet. im pulling a roman r0y and pre grieving. except for reals#unrelated
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having a mutual you want to be friends with but knowing your the driest texter ever
#Didn’t have a phone until the end of freshman year n then I only had one friend who never responded to texts#so I didn’t learn how to text like a normal person#the only person I really text is my cousin but we text random ass shit like she’ll text me to tell me she’s taking a piss#Who knows why but she does#N irl I have a grand total of 2 friends so bitch I’m lonely#but tbh I don’t know if I have the energy to be friends with a lot of people irl#Also I don’t like most people so making friends isn’t easy for me#what is this rant it does not feel coherent imma stop it rn#screaming
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Ugh I was excited for today until I found out I'd have to spend it with people that actively make me hate being alive hate the future and drain me off all energy physically mentally spiritually like a vampire I can't stand to be around her she is the definition of stupidity and even then that's generous as fuck this bitch has filled her brain with so much garbage I watch her brain cells die at alarming rates every single time she uses her vocal cords her giggles make me want to jam a sewing needle into my ear repeatedly so I can never have to hear it again its a friendly reminder that my parents decisions this time my dad's constantly makes me want to die
#i cant even shes just so dangerously stupid#she thinks energy drinks with natural caffeine are safe to give people who have been told by doctor doing take caffeine with thia meds#ahe thinks of a child is CHOCKING to lie them face down n rub their back#she has the evangelical woman voice worse then women I've met n that cult ahe giggles constantly and behaves like the stereotype lil german#boy just got a lollipop over.... everyone and everything whe acts likw an 11 year old I just got the first boyfriend and all they could talk#is how perfect their boyfriend is and they're so pretty good for that I pulled a boyfriend is and it's like a God thing that they met how#SOOOOOOOOOO in love while constantly nonstop touching ahe has to be touching him her hand on his thigh her atm linked with his her heaf on#his chest she has to be in her lap they make out all over the place IT'S DISGUSTING AND EMBARRASSING STOP SWAPPING SPIT#she started a i. hwr words 'love diary of their love journey' they hadn't been dateing 2 months her kids are spoiled fake Instagram bitches#with such shitty views on politics SHE'S A TRUMP FAN GIRL SHENLOVES TRUMP MY DAD BROUGHT IN A TRUMPIE#there's so much i cant even say because even admitting it on tumblr is too embarrassing i wanted.to.likw her i liked her the first day but#THE MORE I GET TO KNOW GET THE MORE N MORE N MISS RED FKAGS#she threw away all my siblings clothes school books toys uniforms for sports their in toys i bought them that week make up jewelry#in the disguise of helping clean house#while i was at the hospital the kids call me in tears i call her beg her to wait and nope.ahe didn't i found the bags by the curb i brought#my dad sided with hwr because 'she didn't mean any harm she didn't know sje was throwing them away'#my mom hasn't bsen dead a year he started dating right after ahe died#hes talking about marrying this woman this woman who has never had an honest educated thought once in her life#WHO ASLO SPEMDA MONEY LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR AHE CAME FROM A WITCH FAMILY HER LAST TWO HUSBANDA WERE TOUCH SHE HAS NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE COMMON#SHE SPENDS LIKE SHE STILL HAS MONEY WHEN SHE DOSE NOT AND IT'S LIKE YOU DID NOT JUST SPEND OVER 180 DOLLARS N PASTRIES GOD#SHES SO FUCKIN STUPID AND EVERY HOLIDAY SINCE MY MOM DIED WVERY FAMILY GWT TOGETHER BECAUSE WE DON'T TALK OR.DO ANYTHING WITH MOM'S SIDE#OF THE FAMILY ANYMORE SHE'S THERE EVERY WINGLE MOTHER FUCKIN WEEKEND SHES HERE I'M EXHAUSTED SHES PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DRAINING TO BE ARO#OUND SHES LIKE IF SOMEONE TOOK A GOLDEN RETRIEVER ON A DIET OF JUST FUCKIN COCAINE LITTLE GERMAN BOY WITH LOLLY AND CRUELLA DEVILLE AND FUSE#THEN TOOK A STRAW AND DRANK ALL THE SMARTS OUT OF THAT BEING#UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGH MY DADS GOIN TO NARRY RHIA BITCH SHES GOIN TO TRY TO BE A MOTHER TO ME AND MY SIBLINGS AND THEY'RE GOIN TO#be so fucked up because her kids are not ok SHE FUCKED THEM OVER BAD SHE HAS FOUR KIDS ALL ADULTS THEY'RE JUST WOW#I HATE MY LIFE I HATE WHAY FUTURE MY FAMILY IS GOIN TO BE THE GOOD THINGS IS I WON'T HAVE TO STAY I CAN GO N MAKE A NEW ONE WITH MY WIFE#FOR ME BUT MY SIBLINGS ARE FUCKED AND ANYTIME I WANT TO VISIT MY FAMILY YANDERE GOLDEN RETRIEVER BITCH WILL BE THERE WORMING HWR WAY IN#SHES CONSTANTLY CALLING N TEXTING MY DAD NONSTOP OF SHE'S NOT NEXT TO HIM AND IF HE CAN'T RESPOND INSTANT SHE FREAKS OUT N BUGS ME
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my (evil) cousin called me out of the blue tonight to chat for no damn reason and it felt like a mini-interrogation, and I have no idea what that was about, but I hated it
#this is the cousin of ''tried to charge me $500 to stay with her for a few nights'' fame#from this summer#and that whole thing combined with a couple other small things made me decide not to talk to my broader family for a while#(immediate family especially my siblings are fine. just anything beyond is...meh)#and in previous years entire years have gone by without chatting so idk why now#she texted me about a month ago and i never responded -- did the whole ''oh i was at work and then forgot oops'' thing#anyway. AHHHHHHHHHH
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im losing my mind rn cuz my high school bestie is getting married POSSIBLY tomorrow?? I DONT ACTUALLY KNOW because her mom texted me to ask for my address to send an invitation like LATE SEPTEMBER and I never got it in the mail so I figured oh she probably meant next year! ok :) and then just now I started thinking about it and was like shit maybe she meant this year cause like, she said "October 26th" which would imply that it's the upcoming October 26th right?? so I fucking texted her an hour ago like haha hi Colleen just wanted to double check on the wedding situation what's going on. where and when is this happening. which feels SO FUCKING INSANE to text someone THE NIGHT BEFORE A WEDDING (possibly) to ask where it is but in my defense she is also the one who told me to save the date *less than a month in advance* so I'm not sure where I stand rn etiquette-wise but like! very weird sitch in general
#like. she hasnt responded so im about to be that person literally texting the morning of a wedding to ask where it is 😐#but i dont get the feeling this is like. a very formal affair given that. again. i was invited less than a month in advance#and never got the actual invitation in the mail 😭😭😭😭#like i just figured well i guess its not happening then! but now my tummy hurts cause i dont wanna miss her wedding#ive been a terrible friend i stopped communicating and havent kept in touch at all and just. wasnt a good friend. in general#like i wasnt mean or anything its just the lack of communication thing#mia.txt
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look, my dad is not a perfect man and he's not faultless in how disfunctional my parent's marriage is but at the same time I've been watching my mom bully him my whole life and now that my man-hating oma is living there with them it's even worse because now they tag team to make him miserable and it makes me so fucking angry
#text post#don't reblog#my mom had to borrow our car to take her dad to an appointment bc he can't get in any of the other vehicles#so she came over to drop it off and then walked next door to my aunt's house so they could go to a concert#and my mom's sitting in my kitchen on the phone with my dad informing him that once again my oma hired someone#to come do major work at the house (this time trimming all the trees) and he's not allowed to get mad#and my dad is just quit on the other line and then asks 'they're not doing anything to the apple tree right?'#bc genuinely i know my dad is upset they're springing shit on him without asking for his input again#but i also know the thing that would send him over the edge is the apple tree bc he loves that thing#and my mom just starts SCREAMING at him on the phone and then hangs up before he can respond#and then she starts yelling about him to me#and I'm sitting here like 'why the FUCK do you and oma keep doing this shit to him?'#i would never fucking do that to my partner#and now my dad's gonna go home and he's not gonna have anything to do and he's gonna feel like shit all night alone
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you know sorry if i’m being unnecessarily testy about this but i do simply feel that if you’re the one who reaches out to me asking if i want to make plans and hang out tonight and then i come back fifteen minutes later saying sure, i’m free, what would you like to do? you shouldn’t then blow me off to hang out at your boyfriend’s apartment all day without so much as a reply
#also sorry if this makes me sound like a stalker but i’ve just been checking on people’s locations trying to see if my family were home so#i could call them and i also have hers saved#trying really hard to be a good sport about this company-ass situation i’m in where all my friends are in committed relationships and i am#So Fucking Single and generally i do think it’s been fine except for sometimes the parts where i get all in my head about my own ‘SHOULD i#be in a relationship? should i at least be looking? would anybody ever love me if i tried?’ insecurities but you know what’s new about that#but like… come on :/ if you want to hang out with your boyfriend all day that’s literally fine but don’t just keep me waiting like this#after you brought it up in the first place#at this point it’s like. well i don’t even know what she had in mind because i asked her if she wanted to meet for dinner and that’s the#text she never responded to but like. i’m just going to handle dinner for myself i’m starting to get hungry#she did say tonight or tomorrow and i replied saying either works so maybe she just took that as a ‘tomorrow’ answer but i still would have#appreciated some confirmation about that#caseyposting
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#personal rant below bc I don’t feel like cluttering my notes app even more and I don’t wanna accidentally find this at 3am some night#I really need my older sister and I just don’t have her#in 2 days it’ll have been 15 years since she disappeared and selfishly I need someone in the family that isn’t the golden child (brother)#and I wish I could confide in my sister in law but I just can’t because she’s an extension of my brother and I don’t want to talk to him#about how I feel like a failure because he bought his first house at 25 and he’s currently the age that my mom was when she had me#and he has his own family to worry about#and I wish I could confide in my older sister figure who I’ve had since elementary school but she stopped responding to my texts last year#and it was like losing my actual sister all over again in slow motion#and I just. I need an older sister to talk some sense into me before I fucking implode#getting high and listening to Taylor Swift only helps so much#whatever I’m just feeling really lost and behind and like I’m fucking failing#and I’m really feeling the huge gaping wound in the middle of my family this week#I don’t even know what she’d be like. I never even really knew her. but I’d like to have the option to ask her for advice#(I don’t idolize this person she’s literally a stranger I just need another girlfailure in the family so the spotlight isn’t solely on Me)#my stuff
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OUGHHH I FOROGR
#i was supposed to go to my sisters house ;;;;#in my defense i was planning to go to both of my sisters houses on the same day#except i had to wait for a confirmation from my other sister as to WHAT DAY would be good#and it is now 7pm on sunday. i had all weekend.#my sister never fucking replied to me <3<3<3 guess ill#uh#fucking uhh#NOT teach her crochet#but it's also v late to get up and go out on a work day >:(#and i couldve had this done earlier. i COULD have had this done YESTERDAY#of my sister had actually replied#but nooooo my brain got stuck in 'just wait for confirmation before finalizing plans' mode#and now it's fucking 7pm on fucking sunday when i texted her on fucking FRIDAY MORNING.#and i forgot to actually PLAN THIS OUT#BC I WAS STUCK IN WAITING MODE.#gods. im just.#hhhhhhh#and now i have to figure out a different time for this bc i cant. i cant go out and do shit at 7pm.#sigh#my other sister is gonna be annoyed about it and i know that#shh ac#edit: cus i dont feel like adding on to it#but yeah i kinda figured i would get a response like that 👍#tbf my message was a little passive aggressive but like dude. i was ALSO in a shitty space all weekend.#its sooo funny that she seems to think that shes the only one who ever gets into shitty moods. lmao. lol even.#and im not saying i dont understand not responding to texts when in a bad mental state-#hell i left my mom on read for 2 days and i still have other messages ik i should respond to#but like. when it comes to messages that are time sensitive like that like. i could accept a 'no not this week' or whatever#its just#urgh
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time to watch må music videos and Kurtis Conner to cope
#tilly talks#I shant respond because I am dumb#bruhhhhh#ugh#well I never liked her#I just liked that she liked me#whatever#IM LITERALLY GOING OUT EVERY NIGHT WITH PRETTY GIRLS AT BARS LOOKING AMAZING#I COULD GET ANYONE I WANT#I do not care about some dumbass with short hair#like genuinely#IM ONLY SLIGHTLY MIFFED BECAUSE MY EGOS TAKEN A HIT#AND ITS MORE OVERTHINKING THAN SOMETHING ACTUAKLY HAPPENING#this is why we don’t trust Spotify made love playlists#and we stick to our guitar solo songs and do air guitar in public#this is why people are dumb dumb and I hate them#LIKE#IF SHE SAW THE WAY IVE BEEN LOOKING HERE#ACROSS THE OCEAN#SHE WOULD#IDFK#BUT SHE WOULD LIKE IT#because I’m gonna have a hot girl summer NO MATTER WHAT#and I’m gonna stay up till 5 am just so I can see her texts and ignore them#ok I think I’m channeling some slightly psycho behavior here#I’m just a girl I mean they#anyways enough tags#everything’s fine with her I’m being dramatic
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my sister came home to switch her desk in her room with the one in her apartment… and it’s just i see her at like once or twice a week at most for a couple hours and it sucks it’s like i have to speed run everything i’ve wanted to talk to her about
#mostly politics#but it’s just i never get to see her and it’s just in so sick of only talking to my parents 😭😭#and my parents drive me bonkers#but like my sister hates being at our house and i don’t really like being at her apartment because i don’t like new different environments#we text but she doesn’t respond to me a lot and on rare occasions she face times me but yeah it’s not great#rey actually speaks
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need to call into work about a shift tomorrow but, ugh calling 😭
#i hate calling the work phone i never know who will pick up#and i texted my boss but she didnt respond which is EVIL
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#another day another therapy session for a girl who has everything i could only ever dream of 🤡#like i admit her family fucking sucks ngl#but idk if it's her being tone-deaf about this or if im just hypersensitive af on this topic but#'there's also this pressure to always be pretty and all' 'why tho like did your dad/mom ever comment on your looks?'#'well no haha not to be all braggy but there was never anything to comment on (negatively) yknow'#spoken to my face like oh right yeah well fuck me ig haha. once again reminded how different lives we live lol#and on top of this its this constant showing me that im being a bad friend to her which ig is true what with all my non responding to texts#but like. its like there is no real understanding towards me in turn. its like only she has problems and crippling mental issues#i dont call YOU out on your bullshit. i keep quiet and let you do and say whatever it is you need to make yourself feel better#even if it is actively capital H Hurting me and i come back home and end up sobbing in the pillow#and hating myself even more lol so cant you do the same and just take a deep breath and try to understand that i NEED a break sometimes#ANYWAY.#really feeling like scratching my face off my skull again
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Ah, my mother. Classic.
#she did address the envelope to Ms Legal Name which is a bummer#but it’s not like I’ve asked her not to do that#it’s a classic because this is the first communication we’ve had on the topic#she did text me today asking (‘at your convenience’) if I’d received a package#got distracted & not sure if I finished typing that tag#anyway I never know how to respond to these things#just found it in my mailbox - thanks! I don’t think we’ll drive up to the path of totality - supposed to be crazy -#- but I think we’re supposed to get like 95% coverage - should be cool!#probably I should just call her#but…………….
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i feel so guilty
#my text#there is a specific context to this (besides yknow. my entire life)#i shared a fundraiser from twitter a few weeks ago but then made it unrebloggable bc i wanted to ask the twitter op if i could repost#the op never responded to me (which is fair) so i should have just made it rebloggable again#today i found out that the recipient of the fundraiser has passed away#and i feel like i stymied the help that she could have received by my actions
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