#and she just completely dismissed everything I said because “he's not homophobic”

[s4pphic-sh3nan1gans]

love that my mum just gave me a lecture (more like an unnecessary reason to argue with me though tbh) about internet safety as if I'm doing something really terrible and I'm a vulnerable, naïve child when I'm literally almost 20 years old :)

[angelofverdum]

Desperate Housewives

I wish I would have written about each season while watching. I have so many feelings.

I have so much to say about this show. I just love it when a show has a perfect mix of drama and comedy. The kind of show that made me cry and laugh so much that I had to pause the episode.

They don't make shows like this one, where they introduce a story in one episode and wrap it up in the next one, and it's not relevant again. That is television. 6 to 8 episodes are the worst thing that ever happened.

I have a tiny complaint and it's that they should have spent more time together as friends. They did poker night but besides that they don't discuss personal stuff. That's why one of my favorite scenes is when Gaby and Bree are having an "affair", because they want to hangout just because.

The wives

Bree Van De Kamp.

In my eyes Bree can’t do wrong, I’m sorry. On paper why would you like someone like Bree? She is a Republican, she has guns, and she was judgmental. I’ll give credit to Marcia Cross for making Bree this beautiful amazing character.

Bree was the best-written character. I think it was the only character who didn’t regress, she actually had a character development through the seasons and learned from her mistake.

She was homophobic when she learned that her son was gay, but she got over it, her relationship with Andrew was one of the most beautiful things on the show.

She was so perfect that every man she met asked her to marry him. If I were Rex and my wife was Bree I wouldn’t have cheated or died.

Imagine coming home, and you have a wife that looks like that, cooks, cleans, and I get that Rex's problem was that Bree was too uptight but when you watch the flashback where she tries to open up about him flirting with Gaby and he dismisses her, you understand why she never opens up to him completely. She couldn’t match his freak.

And It makes me so happy that in the end, she found someone and she can be her authentic self. 

And that badass name? I was mad when Rex died and she married Orson and she became Bree Hodge. The writer fumbled that one really bad. I’m glad she realized that when she wrote the book. 

Also, she had an incredible queer vibe. She has the best lines and those episodes where she was absent because Marcia Cross was pregnant were like a personal attack. I missed her so much.

Gabrielle Solis.

When I was a kid and I watched random episodes Gaby was my favorite. She was young, pretty, had money without working, and a handsome husband, that was a dream to me.

When I started the show I still liked Gaby, even though she was selfish. They knew what they were doing when they cast Eva Longoria as Gaby because her charm definitely helped Gaby’s selfishness. 

My problem with Gaby was that she went back and forth with her selfishness, she did something awful then she realized her mistake and apologized, next episode she did the same thing. 

But she was so funny, she said the most out-of-pocket things that I had no other option but to love her.

Lynette Scavo.

My problem with Lynette was her relationship with Tom. It was awful and boring. But I really liked Lynette, she was smart, sarcastic and funny.

Felicity Huffman is a hell of an actress. Think about the most heart-wrenching scene on the show and it’s probably carried by Felicity. The way she moves, her voice, her eyes. She is a brilliant actress.

There is the hurricane episode or the shooting episode in which you can see her talent but also the scene when Tom tells her he is ready to come back to work at the restaurant and she starts to cry in the bathroom, that scene stayed with me. Like, omg give her another Emmy.

Susan Delfino

S01 Susan was a bit annoying but mostly funny but as the series progressed she became almost unbearable to me. Her attitude was awful and she made everything about her. But at least Teri Hatcher was a capable actress and could handle the comedy and drama perfectly. She made me laugh a lot, I'm not gonna lie, but also made me so mad, the Julie pregnancy storyline.

She deserved that Golden Globe, I guess.

Katherine.

It’s crazy how they ruined Katherine’s character when Mike left her. I love her character so much. Also, she has a lot of chemistry with Bree. They should have explored that a bit. 

Renee.

She entered the show too late. I wanted more of Renne, she was clearly there to replace Edie but it was Vanesa Williams how can you not love her? I don’t understand how she didn’t become immediately friends with Gaby.  

Edie.

I loved Edie the moment she showed up. I love a female character who is full of herself and doesn’t care what other people think about her. However, for me, she was the most inconsistently written character on the show. In season 1 she was a “bitch” but tried to be friends with the girls, they become friends but then they needed a villain so she went maniac, just to come back and tried to be friends again. She was whatever the writers needed at the moment. Her death was totally unfair.

Karen McCluskey. The MVP

The Husbands

They were all awful. All of them were terrible. They had fragile egos, toxic masculinity, totally disregard for their wives’ feelings. 

Carlos.

He had a big macho man problem and didn’t know what he wanted to do in life. Tell me what father will leave a job that has so many benefits to work in a place where the pay is almost nothing? But I like him because when it came to Gaby he didn’t play about her.  He had a character development, and that season when he became blind? Uff A MAN.

Orson.

I’m going to take Orson as Bree's husband because I think it was her longest relationship, that we saw of course. I think they were onto something when they were introducing him as the villain. Then they made him this silly guy who was perfect for Bree, I loved their marriage. Then they ruined his character, he mistreated her, manipulated her, etc. So he became my personal enemy.

His ego was so fragile that he asked his wife to sell her company because she was more successful than him.

Mike.

Boring, just boring. Terrible actor too, Teri was running circles around him. Mike made his family go bankrupt because he couldn’t take his wife’s money.

Tom.

The worst husband to ever exist on television. The worst character on the show. An ungrateful man-child. His wife got cancer and he made the situation about his pain. The worst part is that the show tried to tell us that he is a great husband when we can see he clearly is not. He took all the money they had to open a pizza place, then asked Lynette to quit his job and work with him, then got mad when Lynette was better than him.

Maybe Marc Cherry was in love with Doug Savant because I don’t get it. Even when they fucking finally separated and Lynette said she was relieved, she was the one who had to win him back. He got a new girlfriend while Lynette was scamming a way back into his life.

Ranking the seasons

Season 1

The best mystery in the whole show. So well written, you get enough clues to get you through the season but until the very end you don’t get the whole picture. It was classy and shocking and twisted

Season 3

Not as good as the first one, but it allows you to piece the story together into a bigger mystery. Orson’s mom was a great villain and anything that involved Bree signed me in. Orson’s ex was annoying tho. 

I want to talk about the pedophile’s storyline which I think was one of the darkest plots they did. They resolved this in three episodes, and I think they couldn’t handle it, the final revelation and the character were so eerie and jaw-dropping. I think they never come close to this kind of plot again. It was incredibly upsetting.

Season 5

David was evil and I liked that. I figured it out too fast and I get It wasn’t so mysterious, they revealed too much at the beginning of the season but he was a great villain and a wonderful actor.

Season 6

I liked the Bolen family but the resolution of the mystery was kinda underwhelming. I did like that Lynette was more in the spotlight. I think Angie should have stayed on the show, she was fun.

Season 4

Uninteresting. The mystery didn’t make any sense. How Fake Dylan didn’t remember her time at the orphanage? But it gave me Katherine so I’m not complaining so much. It’s insane to me that Katherine did all of that and kept living like a normal person just to lose her shit when Mike left her in the next season.

Season 8

I have an enormous problem with this season, keep in mind that it’s the highest-rated season of the show on Rotten Tomatoes. The season started so amazing, loved the mystery about the letters and how this time the girls were the ones committing the crime. Which I have expected since the first season.

But then, when all the focus was on Bree it went downhill. And don’t get me wrong I loved that Bree had that much screen time but it didn’t make sense at all.

First Susan’s guilt was crazy to me. She killed a mother and a kid a few seasons ago, and here she just helped to cover the murder of an awful man, but even if we understand her guilt how come when Bree was in trouble, about to get thrown in jail, she never took the initiative to say hey “I did it too”. Same thing with Carlos, he didn’t try very hard Gaby told him "No" and he obeyed.

Besides, the fact that all of them where very shitty friends and I don’t understand why they got so mad at Bree, and not Susan who painted the whole crime scene. The trial in general was so stupid.

Bree wasn’t connected to Alejandro in the first place, she didn’t have a motive. Then their argument was that she slept with him, but Bree started to sleep with those men after Carlos killed him, so she couldn’t pick a random man at a bar because she didn’t even drink and she was with her boyfriend ( don’t remember that asshole's name)

Then, the police knew exactly when he was killed even tho it had been months before they found him, like they knew it was that night specifically AND even if Bree killed him as a random guy in a bar, how come he had her address in a map? it means he knew her. What is the motive for her to kill him? they weren’t even saying she was a serial killer. They were calling her every name but that.

And again if he knew her how come they didn’t call his wife to testify? How they didn’t know his real name. How they didn't connect him to Gaby before?

And Orson had pictures of that night but didn’t send them. Lazy writing.

Season 7.

Paul Young was a great character a ride-or-die husband who lost his mind when he found out why his wife killed herself. But this mystery was so dumb like that was it? mind you, it was such a bad plot that they dropped it and never addressed it again.

Season 2.

Terrible and boring. Borderline racist. Dragged. 

When I finished the show I looked up what was the drama behind the scenes, I knew that Teri Hatcher was awful to the rest of the cast. Imagine my surprise when I found out this has been happening since s01 and that infamous photoshoot, if you know you know.

They had such good chemistry, you could feel they were really close. That’s an impressive thing to me, it was like Alissa Milano and Shannen Doherty hating each other, I was gagged because you don’t see that on screen.

I think it was around s07-08, perhaps 6, when it started to feel like they were trying to keep Susan away from the rest of the cast. Some scenes were almost awkward to watch.

I liked the ending because somehow it makes sense that they moved on with their life. I loved the show so much. It’s full of plotholes, and awful husbands, it was racist, and so conservative, and not even once the option of abortion was brought up, Julie's last storyline was awful.

But at the end of the day, it was a show about female friendship, and they were amazing characters. I’d love to experience this live and I wish I could see them again but at the same time, I don’t. Maybe a reunion like Eva said, but not a reboot.

I'm in that state of sadness that only comes when you finish a good show, and you have to let go but you can't.

[hexcorazon]

SPOILERS FOR RWBY VOL 9 BUT HOLY SHIT I COULD TALK ABOUT THIS FOR HOURS

sorry for the janky screen recording twitter sucks and im impatient

OKAY SO LIKE. WOW????? this is so much and its SOOOOOOO GOOD like both ruby and jaune both have completely valid points !!

ruby is finally being allowed to snap a little, shes allowed to be pissed at her friends and sister who have all done a pretty piss poor job of supporting her, despite the fact that shes the youngest and has the most weighing on her. its great that show is lampshading (something i never expected to say) the fact that ruby is usually just looked to for the answers as well as telling blake to shut up when she tries to do the old "i know things look bad but" schtick that always shows up in the show. its FANTASTIC that ruby just leaves them behind even if we know itll be temporary; i truly hope this is a wakeup call for WBY who have been passive in rubys life for FAR TOO LONG despite all ruby has done for them

and its AMAZING that ruby *CALLED BLAKE AND YANG OUT* for prioritizing their relationship NOW! like i said on twitter, rubys reaction to the bees means her "what" in reaction to weiss' "finally" earlier in the vol wasnt confusion. it was disbelief that this is the priority for her sister and teammate after everything and considering where they are; not in a homophobic way (duh) but in a "we are literally in hell and salem is still OUT THERE with two relics and a maiden and we destroyed a fourth of the known world bc of a plan crumbled as we made it AND PENNY IS DEAD and we dont know what happened to our friends and all the civilians and NOW this is a priority?!" way, WHICH IS SO FANTASTIC. i just hope that the writers let this stand and dont have ruby walk back her feelings to protect WBY's because shes 100% RIGHT.

and jaune. oh jaune. i think its easy to forget that jaune really has sort of revolved his entire life around ruby for the past few years; hes really the only one thats never left rubys side, except unwillingly. so hes really not wrong when he says that it IS all about ruby, it always has been; yes, he chose to go with her but doing that has led him to do some really terrible things and of course when he's experienced such high levels of trauma (they all have) and then is abandoned to a madhouse of the ever after, hes gonna snap, AND HE ACKNOWLEDGES THAT HES NOT WELL. he knows hes struggling, he realizes that he shouldnt have yelled, but hes VALID FOR STRUGGLING IN THE FIRST PLACE. again, i hope its something that the writers let continue naturally and not just have it walked back or dismissed as a lot of male trauma is done in the show (looking at you ren i see you)

side note, how WILD is it that yang literally *moves in front of blake* as if to protect her from RUBY?! like thats so insane to me, and it just VALIDATES rubys annoyance and betrayal that yang is prioritizing blake and their feelings over ruby and their situation here. also, yang protecting blake???? i thought blake was the fiesty one? the one that had a shouting match with weiss for hours? the one that shoved past sun and shouted "hes mine" to get at roman? then again, ever since adams death she barely been able to fight at all so maybe i should just stop being surprised that blake is a wilting wallflower even around her own friends. and BOLD MOVES from yang to act like RUBY is the dangerous one when shes rightfully showing anger and frustration, like yang isnt literally the one known to have anger issues and lash out at ppl. i guess its only okay when yang is mad, ruby really is just having a hysterical woman moment i suppose

UGH this is just so nice and i hate to praise miles about anything but hes always voiced jaune very well and this is a real standout moment from both him and lindsey. good catharsis and felt really good for a least a tiny TINY bit of my critiques of team rwby to be acknowledged by ruby and jaune; hopefully this shit can continue and let them ALL learn and honestly i hope we get even more scenes of ruby and jaune laying into others/each other and bringing criticism that rwde has been saying for years to the screen

[obsessivelollipoplalala]

I'm sorry to bother you, don't post if don't want explicit drama, but I just so this post and I'm baffled about how downright stupid it is. "I don't have proof Mary was homophobic, she just said some questionable things, but you know who said tons of problematic things? Freddie!" this surely is a new one💀💀💀 (and it's also blatantly untrue lmao, I legitimally don't remember him saying anything even remotely bad as what Mary said about him and his gay peers).

https://www.tumblr.com/flick-of-the-wrist/716773057327497216/do-you-think-part-of-the-reason-that-some-people?source=share

Oh look, more complete and utter wish-washy bullshit all to make excuses for a dead rock star's loser ex-girlfriend.

First, we have the "Freddie wouldn't label himself the way people do today!" as if Freddie didn't explicitly label himself as gay. Next, we have "Freddie wouldn't have cared what people would've called him" as if a rando online knows that for sure, and as if any of us have the right to make that decision for him to justify mislabeling a real human being.

Then, we have "uwu maybe people want to 'eschew' poor Mary to prove Freddie was gay", as if talking about the things she literally says and does is "eschewing" her, and as if we need proof beyond his owns words lmao.

And then there's downplaying everything Mary did after Freddie died by dishonestly presenting all the evidence we have of her being a piece of shit as "a paragraph" from Jim and Phoebe's books. That's just not true. Lol. Here's the kicker: "so what if Mary was a bitch? I can be a bitch, too!" Give me a fucking break. I am sick to death of this fandom being like, "If I don't defend bad people and their harmful actions I will die." Mary stole people's pets, said she "won" after Freddie died, ghosted Freddie's family, and kicked his loved ones out of their house while they were grieving, immediately changing the locks and not letting them take all of their things--including Jim's own family photos. On my worst days, I've never done anything like that! Lmfao that is not excusable behavior. Like speak for yourself, but I'll never be as big of a piece of shit as Mary Austin, actually <3

Lastly, it is absolutely ridiculous to compare a straight person saying homophobic things to a gay person saying potentially insensitive things about their own social group. Mary did say cut-and-dry homophobic things, she said Freddie "became a gay", she couldn't be jealous of his relationships with men because she didn't understand them, and she acted like Freddie intentionally spared her from AIDS, implying that he was knowingly infecting other people. A straight person saying that does not compare to a gay man jokingly using the f-slur with his gay friends. Everyone with an ounce of critical thinking skills knows this.

Anyway, I don't give a shit about "starting drama" anymore because it's a joke that calling out the low-key homophobia and constant defense of bigotry and harmful behavior in this fandom is seen as worse than...the actual bigotry and defense of harmful behavior. I don't care. I've never seen this blog before so I don't know this person or what their usual takes are, but the issue is that this is representative of the bullshit found in the larger fandom, so you're getting a response from me that's more directed at the general fandom lol. I don't care. If people don't want to be criticized for dismissing and defending homophobia and overall shitty people, then they could just stop doing that for the low price of $0.00.

[booasaur]

"I don’t see this writers missing out on a chance to go for maximum drama with Ellen having to support homophobic policies."- you are correct, Ellen will be supporting homophobic policies. I just hope by the end of S3 she realizes she's made a huge mistake, comes out to live her life outside of the GOP.

Hmm, you sent this before ep 2 aired so do you know this for a fact or were you speculating? I mean, it seems to be borne out by ep 2 once it did air, and yeah, looks like it's gonna be an ugly journey ahead.

And another anon:

I won't give away any spoilers but Ellen and Larry in 302 is just nauseous. Her arc is just terrible with 2 scenes each at 2 minutes or so. I'm more disappointed than I was going into the season - had low expectations going in.

And another anon:

Did you watch the new ep of for all mankind??

A warning: I get quite negative below about the show For All Mankind so avoid if you're a fan.

Yep, I did watch, and...I'm just. It's so funny to me that media like FK and TBH and BSC and WN and Crush will be dismissed practically sight unseen, actual quality aside, because of their target audience, but something like s3 of this show is being critically praised and considered true prestige.

First. Danny and Karen? Are they kidding me? I don't even know what to say about that or why anybody would think it's compelling storytelling. I'm not one to deny actual quality when it's there, I thought the first season was great, I can watch people do unlikable things and still think the show is good, that's not my issue. But this is just all so soapy and twisting everything, character and plot, to service the melodrama and gimmicky alt history plots they've thought of. I said in my answer about Love, Victor that I could understand making choices that serve the fiction, but that's a show about high school love, this is a show deliberately trying to play out the reality that would unfold if just one historical event changed. So little of this is what would actually happen even with the set of characters they created in s1, it's just, "wouldn't it be cool if we did this?", which is the worst way to write.

I want to continue stating my unhappiness with whatever's going on with Ed/Molly/Dani. Are they trying to say that as much as we like Ed and Molly, people naturally turn conservative in their older age and Ed and Molly are unknowingly being pretty racist in how they're going about this? Or white people are just always capable of it? Because Ed was openly racist and sexist right there and I just don't believe Molly would think Ed's the best candidate to this degree, yeah, he's a "cowboy" like her, but why would you want that in a very long-term mission, especially when he's already 60? Yeah, Molly, let's remember the fond good old days of the agency you two signed up for, when the version Ed signed up for kicked you out for being a woman. Increasingly, the weight and history of past events and characterizations we literally saw in front of us seem to matter less and it's about what the current season requires.

Are we even supposed to dislike Ed for his comments, given the show went and rewarded him with the Helios mission? And in literally looking up the spelling of Helios right now, I found this article where Joel Kinnaman discusses Ed's thought process and there's no mention of how what he said was completely beyond decency, how it's just a friendship that goes through rough patches and it's actually him who feels betrayed. We don't even need to look back at the show's treatment of race to know Dani's going to yet again get the short end of the stick narratively, look how after that conversation between Ed and Dani where she's the one who heard something so hurtful, it's Ed the show decided to stay with and be all sympathetic about. Shows can have bad things happen, they can have people do bad things, they don't have to correct it or call it out, even, including something isn't agreeing with it. But you can't ignore it entirely???? In and outside the show? And what you choose to focus on and how you tell that story says a lot! Who gets the agency, who gets the screentime, who gets the sympathy.

And then of course: Ellen. To even get to the point of discussing her and Larry having a kid, I'd have to understand why they're doing this political storyline and I do not! Why go to all this trouble? Is it to change the country for better? In which case she joined the GOP?? Will ally with a GOP hardliner?? Presumably had sex with Larry to have a kid for her image? I can only hope it was artificial insemination or adoption but given past history, I don't expect the show to care about that or the message it's conveying.

But if she's joining politics for Mars, WHY??? They're literally showing Helios right now as a private aeronautics company and had Ellen's background being perfect for it, why not have her do that? Because it would just be more dramatic, right, for the closeted lesbian to be a Republican politician? Not even a Democrat. No, no, let's have her possibly be campaigning on anti-gay stuff. Isn't that just delicious? As I said: the "wouldn't it be cool" style of storytelling.

[ultraintrovertedgryffindor]

You Don't Need To Be Fixed - Will Poulter

Uh, I'm not even gonna explain because it's self-explanatory.

Possible Trigger Warning: Toxic Parental Figure/Emotional Abuse

~~~~~~~~~~

"I hate you."

"I wish you never even existed."

"You need to change, or else you're going to Hell."

"I pray every day that you see the light."

"The Lord can save you."

All of those I've heard before, all of them coming from a person that's supposed to love me unconditionally. I guess being one of the "homosexuals" is the breaking point for that, or having "deviant behavior" as she would call it.

Now, she's never said those things about me, because I'm closeted to her still, but I still feel those comments slice through me like she's directing it at me. It's kinda hilarious actually. She unintentionally tells me that I shouldn't exist.

I tell her point blank that I'd have a less rough time accepting her belief if she just comes out and say she hates the LGBT community. But, she says she doesn't hate anyone cause it's a sin.

"Bullshit." I say to her, out loud.

"Now, I do not like that language." She says sternly.

Ha! Of course that's what she focuses on, my fucking language. She's so fake, even more fake than a tween girl in middle school. She claims she's not homophobic because she's not afraid of gay people, to that I laugh, hard. She says she had bought lunch for two lesbians that she works with, says that she had a very nice time, so she couldn't possibly be homophobic! No, she acts like a decent human being with the gays, so that means she doesn't wish their sexualities would change!

It makes me want to vomit.

I call her out on that ridiculous way of thinking, to which she replies, "Just can it, will ya?" And that's the end of that conversation.

Another day, another argument about this, that, and the other. It's so tedious, and I willingly go into these arguments knowing that I'll never change her mind about anything. She thinks she's right about everything, and she always tells me, "I am right." Without second thought, she completely dismisses what I try to say.

It's always like this, me thinking I'm right and her thinking she's right. It's like trying to talk with Trump supporter...oh wait, she is a Trump supporter. Oops.

Usually, I'd go up to my room and cry it out, listen to very loud and aggressive music, scream into my pillow so I don't injure myself by punching a wall again. But, thankfully, I have someone who can help me through these times of crisis.

Will.

Ever since I met him, Will has been my rock, like my own emotional support human. Of course, it's not a one-way street, he trusts me enough to lean on me too. He's the greatest friend I've ever had, and I have no idea where I'd be without him in my life.

I just walk out of my house with my car keys in hand, starting the car and driving down the same route I've driven so many time I can basically do it in my sleep.

I make sure to text him beforehand, letting him know to prepare himself for a lot of frustrated ranting, but he was used to it by now.

"And it's like I can never talk to her about anything anymore because it always somehow ends up in a heated argument about politics, racial issues, or of course, the LGBT community. Like, I have no idea how much I can take before I explode and do something...not violent."

Will had his eyebrows raised, his shoulders tensed and looking like he was trying to be absorbed by his couch.

I had been ranting for about half an hour, pacing back and forth in his living room, scaring his poor pups with how my voice raised several octaves while speaking about the particularly upsetting parts, and my arms were pretty sore by how much I was waving them around. Jesus, no wonder Will looked scared.

I sighed. "Sorry, just had to get that off my chest before I imploded."

Will smiled. "It's okay, Y/n. Really. I was just afraid that story was going to end with you burying her in your backyard."

"No, at least, not yet." I chuckled, taking a seat next to Will, leaning on his shoulder.

"I'm really sorry you have to deal with that, I can't imagine how tired I'd feel living with someone like that." Will grabbed a hold of my hand gently, leaning his head on mine.

I wore a tight lipped smile, exhaling sharply through my nose. "It's not the greatest, but it could be worse."

"Doesn't make your situation any less valid."

"Yeah, yeah, I know...just like how she prays for me to see the light, I do the same for her. She doesn't appreciate it though. But, I guess that's fair considering I don't appreciate her thought and prayers."

Will turned to look at me, smiling softly. "You are perfect just the way you are. She's the one who has to change, not you, because you were made this way, just like everybody else who has their own orientations. One day, you'll be free of her. You'll be free to live however you want to live, and you'll be able to cut her out of your life if you choose to do so. You just have to be patient, but I promise, you'll be happy."

~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote this so I can be fine, so don't worry. I am fine. I promise.

[lochnessies]

ok here’s a dissection of a post an anon sent me the link to and bc i have the worst time management possible and i completely forgot i had it lol so sorry anon here you go ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I am constantly thinking about how Edelgard just doesn’t seem designed to appeal to cishet men.

i hate to be the one to break this news to you op but just because a character doesn’t show skin like charlotte fire emblem doesn’t mean she isn’t designed to pander to men. she’s very much designed to pander to the (majority straight male) player base with her ‘uwu i only trust you professor omg did u see that rat? pls don’t look at my painting of you uwu’.

then there’s the whole edelgard c support in japanese where byleth makes reference to having come to her room for ‘yobi’ which is

there’s also the scene where byleth can make an unsolicited comment about edelgard’s breast size. which is… uhh… gross.

edelgard also has cipher cards that go from slightly fanserviceie to full on suggestive

and also her breast armor that my sister relentlessly mocked lol

and here’s a chart from the 3h subreddit about gender/sexually in regards to edelgard and edeleth. it’s extremely straight male. op might have just overlooked this since they probably don’t go on reddit and stay on tumblr (which unlike reddit is mostly female and has a high lgbt demographic).

Like the joke is that Bleagles is the Gay House, but everything about her feels deliberately non-hetero.

i don’t like where this is going…

She’s dressed in sharp outfits covering her upper body, with proportions that don’t seem exaggerated.

so women who cover up must be lgbt because straight women are naturally more revealing? oh y i k e s

Her poise and the way she effortlessly flourishes her axe exhibits an air of coolness. While titties out =/= character of no substance, Edelgard being dressed more modestly suggests that she wasn’t designed with male-centred fanservice in mind.

“titties don’t equal no substance but here’s my post on how she has more substance because she doesn’t show titties” ok

And she still looks absolutely stunning in her more modest attire (like seriously, I haven’t felt the need to return to cosplay in years but I want to do her academy look so bad). 

yes she does. amazing design 10/10. i have a feeling this is the only part i’m going to agree with

Edelgard is intense. She does not mince her words and she is constantly evaluating you. Though she tries, she has a difficult time understanding her peers initially. Early on, she talks about how she would sacrifice herself and others in the name of some greater good. She is terrible at communicating with her peers. She has to be seen as infallible. Her heart has been hardened for years and she assumes she has to stay that way. She also assumes everyone mourns the same way she does - which is why she (kind of insensitively) insists you move on when Jeralt dies. Because to her, grief has to be channeled towards action, or else you’ll get lost in it. This attitude is demonstrated time and time again as she presses on. It can make her come off as cold and unfeeling - but look closer, and she’s anything but.

don’t really have anything to say at this part. it is pretty on the nose though i would slightly disagree with that last sentence a bit. i wouldn’t say she’s as i feeling as hubert is but all of her talks of the war boil down to how she feels and never her victims.

Her story is ultimately about her realizing that to achieve her goals, she needs to let people in and allow herself to want things like cakes and tea parties and lazy days in peace. 

????? what ????? her goals include imperialism, ethnic and religious targeting. her story is about having a set of beliefs and mowing down anybody who stands in her way. that has nothing to do with tea, friends, and lazy days. also am i supposed to be sad that she has to get up everyday and work? i do that and i didn’t start a war and only throw a pity party for myself

The game leaves the player guessing as to how involved the Flame Emperor was in each Part I event, makes you feel hurt by her betrayal, and leaves you with a choice: do you follow the orders of the woman who tried to make you a god without your consent, or a young girl with questionable morals about to throw the world into upheaval?

this isn’t an ideal situation but i think i’m going to stick with the woman who tried to make me a god since i’m not selfish and i know it’s not only my desires and life at stake here. plus the green hair slaps ngl

Choosing her of your own volition (not for completionist reasons) requires the basic ability to sympathize with a woman’s pain. It also requires the player to read beyond her unwavering will and dubious methods to get a sense of how deep that pain goes and how the theme of humanity relates to her differently in each route.

i’m not going to touch this since @nilsh13 made a post on it that i’ll link here. i agree with everything he said so to repeat it would be redundant.

The player must be able to see a young woman’s desperate resolve to change the world so it stops exploiting people and ruining lives. They must be able to accept the fact that women can make the same morally wrong and ambivalent decisions that complicated male characters get to make all the time and still be the one to root for.

literally the same reason i love rhea lol her goddess experiments are dubious at best but her reasons are the same you mentioned. i would say that i like this quality in edelgard too if her ending, while bloody, actually ended in a good outcome for fodlan.

This is not unique to LGBT+ people, but this population is likely to understand why Edelgard feels so strongly about why she has to change the system. 

i understand wanting to change a system, i really do. like edelgard, i’m an opinionated bisexual woman (who’s also physically disabled) so yeah i get it. and change can be good but it can also be terrible. even if the church was the boogeyman edelgard treats it as she still replaces it with her own shit regime. so it’s the same circus just with a new conductor.

I don’t think “Edelgard gets undue criticism because she’s a woman” captures the full picture. An important aspect of her treatment by certain parts of the fandom is that she’s a radical woman.

or maybe she does some pretty fucked up shit and it goes unacknowledged in her own route. and yeah she’s radical but in all the worst ways.

Her hatred of the Church and the Crest system resonates way harder with people who have been hurt by institutions that are deeply engrained in our society. 

and what about people who have been hurt by systems where their ‘merit’ didn’t measure up and they were left behind? what about people from nations that experienced imperialism?

Siding with her means siding against the Church - which, while different from real world religious institutions, still invokes language about “sin” and “punishment.

yeah the ‘sins’ and ‘punishments’ are used in relation to attempted murders which i think everybody can agree is a bad thing that needs to be condemned.

Choosing Edelgard will likely hit different if homophobic and transphobic Christians used that rhetoric against you.

it has literally nothing to do with ‘sins’ and ‘punishments’ in regards to being gay or trans. that’s you projecting. especially since the church has 2 canon gay characters and two coded ones.

like i can understand why having a church condemn you can be uncomfortable but i’m begging you to please look at the context of what’s happening.

I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that the reason F/F Edeleth is the more popular iteration of that ship because most people who would choose to S-support Edelgard are LGBT+ themselves. This is not a revelation. To anyone in the community, it’s fairly obvious. 

i was talking to nilish and he said

so yeah… while there is definitely sapphic femleth shippers out there, there’s still a whole lot of weird fetishizing going on from straight men about edelgard.

Crimson Flower was my first route. I went into the game knowing absolutely nothing. I played it during the last week of 2020 and hoo boy was it cathartic. 

i can tell. this wasn’t supposed to be a dig but it came out that way and i’m not taking it out.

I felt like I was living out a gay revolution power fantasy, where I could truly change systems of oppression while fighting alongside a group of troubled students I’d shaped the lives of.

so a gay revolution power fantasy (cringe) goes hand in hand with imperialism and installing a dictatorship? also the war had nothing to do with sexuality.

Through your unwavering support, Edelgard learns that she needs to be human, that she must listen to her friends, and that she’s allowed to enjoy the world she’s creating.

edelgard gets to learn how to be human all while hunting those who don’t. and she doesn’t listen fo her friends. she doesn’t even trust them. she’s willing to talk to byleth but keep the people who’s been by her side for five years in the dark about everything. and yeah she gets to enjoy her new words since she’s on top. hate to be a commoner under her rule after she burned down my village in her war.

I love this character so much.

clearly. and i honestly don’t care if somebody likes her. i do as well even if my sometimes scathing words can make it seem otherwise.

It has been six months since I first played and I am still analyzing her,

me too. please help me escape i’m losing my mind

because there’s so much depth. Yet so many people fail to see that depth and dismiss her as evil,

i mean, she does some fucked up shit that goes beyond any of the less than desirable actions of the other main characters and does an extremely poor job in trying to make herself seem innocent. i personally don’t think she’s pure evil but i completely understand where the people who say she is are coming from.

because they never had the will to understand complicated women in the first place. 

that’s big talk from somebody who implies that a gay pope is comparable to homophobic and transphobic irl religions and that leads an oppressive regime all because she uses the vague terms of sin and punishments that you have to gay power fantasy your way out of

[kaypeace21]

Stranger things is about mental health & trauma- deal with it!

I’ve seen a lot of people claim anyone who mentioned this topic immediately be gaslit and told they’re “just crazy” and “rudely projecting their own issues on to the characters.’ Like- no you don’t have to believe my  Will DID/Lonnie theory ( I could be wrong). But to claim one of the show’s central themes isn’t about mental health/trauma (screams either complete lack of lit comprehension or denial cause you have your own negative biases towards such people). So let’s just go into what’s literal text-not subtext/symbolism. Just the super blatant stuff.  RIGHT IN THE SHOW!

S1

-We have El when she first appears on screen  asked by Benny if her parents starved and hurt her and if that’s why she ran away. Benny then calls CPS to say El “may have been ab*sed or something.” After this Lucas says there is “seriously something wrong with her-wrong in the head. She’s probably from the NUT-HOUSE in curly county.penthurst” We also see El  cannonically has PTSD-all of s1 she’ll see something benign (a cat, a coke commercial, a closet) and is triggered to see a traumatic flashback. That’s literally ptsd.  There’s also hints throughout the seasons she’s developmentally behind in both language, telling time etc (neglect like El’s irl can cause an intellectual disability-analysis on El/that subject here).The real pethurst in pensylvannia (not the one in stranger things/ Curly county)  closed in 1986-  it was a facility for people and mostly  kids with intellectual disabilities (it wasn’t technically a psych facility like the one in st)-but it was infamous for it’s abuse of these intellectually disabled patients kept there. We also have Brenner be a ab*sive psychiatrist.

- Hopper after suffering from the loss of his daughter. Is popping pills like candy, drinking and smoking constantly. He later says he used to hallucinate and forgot what was real -seeing and hearing sarah and says if he didn’t confront the pain he’d “fall down a black hole he couldn’t get out of.” NO... subtext here about what the void represents nope.

- Both mothers (Terry & Joyce) are dismissed as being mentally ill and simply grieving the loss of their kids . But both end up being right about the supernatural.

- “Terry pretends Jane is real. i mean it’s all make believe. you know the doctors all say it’s a coping mechanism.”

- While with Joyce the whole town pre s1 already questioned her mental health. Jonathan says “She used to have anxiety problems (pre s1).” And Jonathan, Hopper, and Lonnie all assume she’s hallucinating: talking to Will via lights, seeing a man without a face, saying Will’s body is fake -due to grief. Plus Lonnie mentions the fact Joyce’s aunt Darlene also used to hallucinate as a possible reason  (terry’s aunt also had mental health issues mentioned in s2 by Becky). Lonnie even says everything Joyce is seeing  is “all in her head.”  Hopper and Jon both say she needs to sleep and accept reality and Lonnie says she needs to see a “shrink”.  Hopper “i’m not saying that you’re crazy”. Joyce : “no, you are.” Joyce also says to Lonnie “Stop looking at me like that... like everyone else like i’m out of my damn mind.” Hopper also says about Joyce she’s “on the edge”. Callahan says in response , “she’s been on the edge for a while now” (referring to her mental health- even before Will’s dissappearance)”. While Lonnie says Jonathan is “feeding into her hallucinations ... you’re going to push her right over the edge.” In s2 Hopper says “ I think everyone is on edge- you, me, Will most of all. (when talking about Will’s ptsd/trauma)” 

- in s1 They claim Will just “fell” over the edge of the quarry’s cliff. Later the only other queer coded character (Mike) jumps off the quarry cliff (where Will’s body was found) cause the homophobic troy forced him too jump. Troy even says earlier dead-Will is “flying with all the other fairies all happy and gay” (to Mike). And Troy says to Hopper El made Mike “fly” after jumping off the cliff. Friendship saved him from jumping off the edge metaphorically ( and he’ll prob eventually be happy and gay too).

s2/3

-Will is seeing a therapist . And we are told he has ptsd and will experience the anniversary effect, personality changes,nightmares, having episodes, etc. And things “will get worse before they get better”.  Mike also asks if what Will is seeing is “real or like the doctors say all in your head?” And Will continues to see hallucinations of the mf/upsidedown that only he can see initially.

-Hopper also agrees with owens mentioning how he knew guys with ptsd . joyce : “it’s not like he’s describing a nightmare. He talks about them like they’re real.” Hopper: “Yeah, because they’re not nightmares they’re flashbacks.I think he’s right about trauma.I think everyone is on edge (bringing that s1 ref back), Me you, Will, most of all.Nothing’s gonna go back to the way that it was. But it’ll get better.In time.”

-Nancy suffers from survivor’s guilt and drunkingly says she killed Barb. Jonathan says like Nancy he has “a weight that you that carry all the time . i feel it too.” (cough depression). He also says he tries to be there for Will but says about Will “he’s not the same. maybe things can’t go back to the way they were. (mirroring Hopper’s words earlier that season)”

-Jonathan said in s1 Joyce had “anxiety issues” than Nancy says in s3 “you really are your mother’s son... you worry too much.” Then we see him look worried after the comment.

- in s2, Axel & a scientist both call El and Will “schizos” because of their powers. In s3 mrs driscoll isn’t believed about the supernatural cause she’s schizophrenic-but like Joyce/Terry was right.

- Kali saves a woman named Dottie (a british slang term for crazy)  from a mental hospital and then compares herself and El to dottie. saying her non-powered gang is “Like us ...outsiders... society discarded them.”  In graphitti we even see the title “obedlam” a british poem about discarding the mentally ill and leaving them homeless.  El before this sees a mentally ill man screaming “we’re all dead!” Kali’s friend says to El, after this encounter they were “dead all of us” until kali “saved them here” (points to head) “and here” (points to heart). Pointing to the theme of love and friendship helping those with such issues. Similar to the cliff analogy.

-The cycle of ab*se. Max in s2 says she’s afraid of becoming like Billy (her ab*ser). We see Billy mimic his ab*ser neil and inflict pain on max. In s3 we see the roots of his behavior are linked to mimicking Neil- Neil in a flashback says  about baseball “what are you scared?”  “ did i raise a p*ssy for a son”. So young Billy later in a fight says to a boy “ what are you scared to fight me? fight me p*ssy. (as he beats the boy)” Deflecting his anger of his father on to someone else. In s3, We see as a kid he used to say to Neil “don’t hurt her” (his mom)-specifically after  Neil backhand slaps her -but we later see possessed Billy backhand slap Max (just like neil).  The resentment to his mother leaving - festered into how he views women and max negatively . And his attraction to mrs wheeler prob is linked to him subconsciously missing his mother. Max in s2 even says  he can’t take it out on her mother so he does so to her instead (we even have Billy hallucinate hurting mrs wheeler).We see in s2 the cycle of abuse is there- Billy mimics Neil, and then Max mimics Billy. Billy harrasses Max and yells “SAY IT!” (mimicking Neil).  Max like Billy later  yells “SAY IT” and uses a bat /violence to stand up for herself against Billy- which earlier she said she was trying to combat … explaining she can be angry like Billy sometimes but she never wants to be like him (her nickname symbolizing this: aka ‘mad max’).  Billy’s last dying words were an apology to Max- for becoming her neil. And we hopefully will see Max break this cycle.

- Will says his now memories (that he describes like dreams) are “growing “, “spreading “,and “killing”. While Kali says they need to face their father and (as Brenner) says El has to confront her “wound” or else it’ll “grow”, “spread” and “eventually it’ll kill her.” Kali says she used to be like El . She used to bottle her pain away and it “spread.” But she then says  “I confronted my pain and I finally began to heal (from those wounds).” We also see with jonathan and nancy when describing “shared trauma” zoom in onto the scars on their hands. The wound heeled into a scar so to speak.

S2 & 3 ENDINGS

both have Hopper do a speech that delves into dealing with trauma/depression but still finding good along the way.

-s2 Hopper outside the snowball: “how are you holding up? Yeah, that feeling never goes away. It is true what they say, you know. Everyday it does get easier.”

-s3 Hopper monolouge : “ Feelings jesus. For so long, i’d forgotten what those even were. I’ve been stuck in one place,in a cave you might say , a deep dark cave (cough s2 supernatural cave). For the first time in a long time, i started to feel things again. I started to feel happy. Life... yeah sometimes it’s painful .sometimes it’s sad, and sometimes it’s suprising... happy.. And when life hurts you, because it will .remember the hurt . The hurt is good. It means you’re out of that cave.”

BUT YES- St has nothing to do with mental health/trauma, we’re just “crazy” and “projecting”. It’s not like some of ya’ll  act pompous when you just have a bias and get pissy at the idea of relating to characters you “other” as “crazy” or “damaged” irl or anything (so attack people for pointing it out). Or (benefit of the doubt) you are just like.... oblivious... or just a kid who doesn’t know better XD

[cristinablackthornkingson]

This Poor Unruly Heart.  A Thomastair fic.

Cross-posted to my AO3. 

***TW/CW**** Alcoholism. Homophobia. Homophobic slurs. (Shortened version of the F slur is used) Emotional abuse. Abusive parent. Abusive relationships. Mention of child loss.

It is a cold Winter’s day in late 1903, when both Alastair Carstairs and Thomas Lightwood, make the most terrifying and nerve wracking decision of their lives. After 3 months of being with each other they have decided to hide no longer, and come out to their parents.

Out of the two of them, Alastair is certainly most terrified, for so long Charles made him believe that he would always have to live in secret, he manipulated and twisted him into believing that everyone would be disgusted and hate him. Alastair knows his mother is a very traditional woman, and throughout his childhood he has heard his father throw around slurs and nasty words about people like Alastair.

However Alastair does not want to hide anymore, like he had to with Charles, he loves Thomas and wants everyone to know that, no matter what. With Elias still being in Idris for another day or so, Alastair will have a chance to speak with him privately, if all goes well with telling his mother.

Cordelia has known that Alastair is gay for a while now, she was the first person he came out to, and has been nothing but loving and supportive toward him, when he told her his plans to come out to their parents, she offered to be there for moral support. Alastair happily agreed, glad to have her to lean on.

So now he has found himself in the drawing room of Cirenworth, sitting on the couch next to Cordelia, across from their mother, who at 7 months pregnant looks more stressed, tired and ill than Alastair has ever seen her. He’s terrified of stressing her out and worrying her further, afraid of hurting her or the baby, but he refuses to have his baby brother or sister born into a world where their big brother is hiding a big part of who he is. If the baby is like Alastair, he wants them to have a good influence, someone to look up to and admire, like he has always secretly admired Anna.

“What trouble have you two gotten into now?” Sona’s tired but amused voice pulls Alastair from his thoughts. He smiles and lets out a breathy laugh, his poor mother having to deal with everything he and Cordelia and their friends got up to recently, hopefully the baby won’t be such a handful when they grow up.

“No mamán, we haven’t done anything, I... I need to speak with you about something, something I... discovered about myself.” Aalstair chooses his words carefully, trying not to fidget or let his nerves overtake him.

“Alright, what is it?” Sona asks, leaning back in her chair and folding her hands over her bump. Alastair gives Cordelia a brief glance and she smiles and slips her hand into his and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

Alastair holds tightly to Cordelia and takes a deep breath. He then looks straight at his mother, and calmly says

“I’m gay, I’m attracted to men, and I’ve been seeing someone, a man. Thomas Lightwood to be exact. We’ve been seeing eachother for a few months now and I wanted to finally tell you mamán, because it is a big part of me and my life.”

Sona leans forward in her chair and takes Alastair’s free hand in hers.

“Are you happy?” She calmly asks. Alastair wordlessly nods, not daring to get his hopes up. “And this Lightwood boy, does he make you happy, does he treat you well?”

“Yes.” Alastair says in a breathy tone. “I... I love him, mamán, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I have never been happier than I have been since I began seeing Thomas. He... he makes me feel so loved and important.”

Sona smiles warmly and brushes her son’s dark hair back from his face.

“Then if you are happy, I’m happy.” Alastair feels the tears of relief and joy well up in his eyes as his breath catches in his throat.

“R-really?” He stammers. Sona nods and brushes his tears away.

“Yes Eshgham, all I want for you, Cordelia and this baby, is for you to be happy and healthy. Nothing and no one matters more to me than you 3, and a little thing like the sex of the person you love, is not going to make a difference to how much I love you, Alastair.” Sona’s voice is soft and low, full of love but also firm, so Alastair knows how serious she is.

Alastair lets out a sob of relief and lets his head fall onto his mother’s shoulder, as her arms go around him, her hand running through his hair, while Cordelia rubs his back.

“I love you mamán.” Alastair sniffs. Sona presses a kiss to his forehead.

“I love you too Alastair joon, very much. I do want to meet this Thomas boy of course, to make sure he’s deserving of you, not just anyone is worthy of being loved by my son, you know.” Sona lightly says, as Alastair lifts his head and wipes at his tears. He laughs at the thought of tall, muscular Thomas being lectured by his small, heavily pregnant mother.

“He is James’ cousin, so I think you will like him very much.” Alastair laughs, knowing how much his mother adores James.

“Like who very much?” The sweet and happy moment is suddenly interrupted by a gruff voice from the doorway that makes the blood in Alastair’s veins run cold. He turns his head to see his father standing in the doorway, dressed smartly but with his hair greasy and ratty, months worth of stubble on his jaw, his eyes bloodshot with dark circles underneath them, and a poorly hidden bottle of whisky poking out of his coat pocket.

“Oh Elias, we weren’t expecting you back for another day or so.” Sona says in a somewhat surprised tone, pushing herself to her feet to greet her husband, going in for a kiss to the cheek but recoiling when she smells the alcohol on him.

Elias completely ignores his wife, focusing all of his attention on Alastair.

“Who and what were you talking about? It seems like you were in the middle of a rather serious moment.” He asks in a deadly calm voice.

“Papa not now, Alastair is tired.” Cordelia protests, wanting to do whatever she can to save her brother having to face their father unplanned like this.

“I was not speaking to you Cordelia, I was speaking to your brother. I will ask again, who and what were you talking about? If you told your mother, you need to tell me.” there is now anger and irritation seeping into Elias’ tone.

“I...” Alastair begins, not quiet sure where to go with this. “Um, well I...”

“Have you hit your head or are you honestly as dense as I always knew?” Elias spits out in acidic tone, horrifying everyone in the room. It’s not the first time he’s spoken so cruelly to Alastair, though he’s never done so in front of anyone else before.

“Papa!” Cordelia protests.

“Be quiet Cordelia. You, get on with it.” He growls, glaring at Alastair.

“I’m gay!” Alastair blurts, cringing at how abrupt and sudden it was.

Elias scoffs and rolls his eyes.

“Don’t be ridiculous Alastair, you are far too young to know who you do and do not love, not that it is love, homosexuality is a disease, an illness of the mind.” He tells him in a dismissive tone. Alastair feels as though his heart may break in half. Nobody has ever said something so cruel to him before.

“No it is not, the love I feel for Thomas is just the same as any other type of love. He makes me happy and treats me well, I love him, it is one of the very few things in life I have ever been so certain of. I love him, father.” Alastair’s tone is tight as tears start to well up again, but there is also pride in his tone, and love at the thought of Thomas.

Before Alastair can comprehend anything else, his father is right in front of him, face to face, so close Alastair can smell the stench of alcohol on his breath.

“Elias let him go!” Sona yells, tugging at her husband’s arm, only to have him shake her off.

“No mamán don’t, you may get hurt, you or the baby.” Alastair tells her, holding his chin high and refusing to show his father any fear.

“Now you listen here boy.” Elias hisses. “No son of mine is going to be some disgusting fag, I will not have you taint the good family name of Carstairs. You are not irreplaceable, that child your mother carries could well be a boy, I could very easily replace you with him. And if you wish to have a place under my roof, you will shut your disgusting little mouth and never speak of this filth again!”

“Papa! Don’t speak to him like that, leave him alone!” Cordelia yells, trying to pull her father away, only for him to push her back, almost knocking her over.

Alastair has never been a violent man, despite his nasty attitude when he was younger, he would actually never harm a fly. However this time, Elias his gone too far. Alastair firmly places his hands on his father’s chest and with force, shoves him away so he is not in his face.

Alastair is about to respond, to tell Elias he’s free to replace him with the new baby, but Sona speaks up first.

“That is enough!” Her strong and firm tone rings clear through the room, stopping everyone and everything in their tracks.

“Elias Carstairs if you so much as ever lay a hand on my son again, I swear to the angel you will be sorry. You need to get off of your pedestal, you are not some all high and mighty holier than though member of society, you are a nasty, abusive man who refuses to get help for an addiction that has ruined everything. You ruined Alastair’s childhood with your alcoholism, I am not about to let you ruin the rest of his life with your homophobia.

I have put up with your nasty and abusive ways for the last 18 years, I have dealt with you calling me fat, lazy, useless, ugly, and many, many other things. I am done with it, no more. I took your abuse with the hope you would leave Cordelia and Alastair alone, and they could have nice normal lives. That is not how it works though, I know better now. I deserve better, my children deserve better.

I want a divorce, Elias, and I will be making sure you have no custody or involvement of this baby, as far as I am concerned this child is mine and mine alone, they have no father.”

There is a shocked silence throughout the room, following Sona’s pronouncement. Alastair feels guilty for feeling happy that his mother is leaving his father, and hopeful that he can escape him. He’s not meant to want his parents to split up, being the child of a divorced couple is shameful according to society. But why? Why is it shameful for Sona to escape her abuser, to give her baby a better chance at life and to take Cordelia and Alastair away from a toxic and abusive person?

The first to speak is Elias. He scoffs and sneers at his wife.

“Oh please, you need me Sona, you have nowhere to go and nothing without me.”

“I will go to The Institute, The Herondales will welcome me. I have plenty, Elias, I have savings you know nothing of, I have valuables I can sell should I need to, I have clothes for the baby, nappies are not hard to come by, I have everything I need, I most certainly do not need you.” Sona’s tone is impassive as she steadily holds Elias’ gaze. She then turns to her children, her gaze softening slightly.

“Alastair, Cordelia, you are of course welcome to come with me, wherever I find a home you will have a home, but if you wish to stay with your father then I will not be hurt or upset, and you will still be able to see your little brother or sister when they are born. The choice is yours.” Of course Sona wants her children to come with her, but she knows forcing them to if they do not want to, will not make her any better than Elias.

“I want to go with you mamán.” Cordelia immediately says, the love and respect she has always held for her father now shattered into pieces, never to be repaired.

“Me too, and I can help you with money mamán, now that I am old enough to receive earnings from The Clave.” Alastair says, leaning into his mother, who smiles and cups his cheek.

“Thank you Azizam, but you most certainly do not have to.” She then links her arm through with his and puts the other around Cordelia’s shoulders. “Come along, we can come back for our things later. For now I would like to meet your Thomas, Alastair. I am sure he’s a good boy if he’s related to James, but I need to be sure, as I said, not just anyone is deserving of my son’s heart.”

Alastair smiles brightly, his heart lifting and his pain easing at the thought of introducing his mother to Thomas, and having a peaceful and calm life at The Institute, where he will be free to love Thomas and be himself.

Meanwhile, in the Lightwood London townhouse, Thomas is nervously sitting in front of his parents in the drawing room, preparing to come out to them. He is sure they’ll be loving and accepting, they love and accept Anna, but maybe it will be different with their own child, especially their only son. Perhaps his father expects him to carry on the Lightwood name, what with Christopher having no interest in romance or anything of the sort, and little Alex only being 3.

“What’s going on Tommy? What do you need to talk to us about?” Sophie’s concerned voice pulls Thomas from his thoughts, and he lifts his head to look at his parents, sitting side by side, their hands entwined, both of them looking concerned.

“Uhh...” Thomas begins in an unsure tone. “Well... I’m... I’m gay.” Thomas blurts out, wanting it over and done with, holding his breath as he waits for his parents to react.

Immediately they both visibly relax, Gideon’s shoulders slumping in relief and Sophie placing a hand on her chest and letting out a sigh of relief.

“Oh love is that all?” Sophie asks with a hint of amusement in her tone. Baffled, Thomas nods.

“You gave us a fright Tom, we thought something was dreadfully wrong.” Gideon laughs, relieved beyond words that all is well with Thomas. He could not lose another child, Barbara’s death almost killed him, loosing Thomas or Eugenia would certainly be the end of him.

“We’ve always known that about you my darling, do you think we haven’t noticed you gawping at all the handsome men we pass on the street, or how you just loved hearing about your sisters' courting conquests and always asked for details on the men?” Sophie laughs, remembering 11 year old Thomas sitting with his sisters and listening intently as Barbara recounted her first outing with her first boyfriend.

“It... it doesn’t bother you?” Thomas asks in a hopeful tone. Could it really be this simple and easy? Could he be so lucky?

“Not one bit.” Sophie assures him.

“Just don’t steal Eugenia’s dresses if you want to wear women’s clothes, she loves you but she will not be pleased if you steal her dresses.” Gideon says in a light tone, earning a laugh from Thomas.

“I would not dare get between Genie and her dresses, though I have no desire to wear one myself, they seem rather uncomfortable.” He says.

“You do not know the half of it my love.” Sophie laughs, squeezing Thomas’ hand. “Is there anything else you wish to tell us? Remember, we’ll always love you and support you.”

Thomas bites his lip and takes a few seconds to think, before looking at his parents again.

“Well... actually, I am seeing someone. Alastair Carstairs to be exact.” Thomas nervously admits.

“Oh he is a lovely boy! Good to know your good sense continues through to the romantic aspect of your life.” Sophie grins, shocking Thomas.

“You like him? But mama he was the one who spread those nasty rumors about you a few years ago.” Thomas quietly says. He knows Alastair has changed and grown since then, but does his mother?

“He was a child, a scared child who was going through a lot of trauma, he made a mistake for which he is clearly very sorry. And besides I think it is quiet obvious that he at 16 did not just suddenly decide to spread rumors about strange adults who had nothing to do with him. I would not be surprised in the least if he was repeating what he heard from his father.” Sophie quietly says, trying not to let her anger escape. She is not angry with Alastair, but she is angry with Elias, who has said very unkind things about her before, some to her face and some behind her back.

Before Thomas can reply, there is a rap on the dinning room door and Scarlet- the Lightwood’s maid- steps in.

“Sorry to interrupt M’am, Sirs, there are guests here to see you, Mrs. Carstairs and her two children.” Scarlet quietly says. Thomas’ heart begins to race. Why is Alastair here? Is he alright?

“Oh, please do send them through Scarlet, thank you.” Sophie says, wondering why the Carstairs’ have turned up here. It’s not as if they are very close friends or anything of the sort.

A few seconds later Sona Carstairs steps into the drawing room, followed closely by Cordelia and Alastair.

“I am very sorry to intrude and interrupt, we can leave if we are inconveniencing you.” Sona says in an apologetic tone.

“No no nonsense, you are very welcome. Please, sit. Would you like something to drink or eat? Would you like to put your feet up, Sona?” Sophie kindly asks, remembering how easily her feet swelled up when she was pregnant all 3 times, by the time she was 7 months pregnant with Barbara she couldn’t fit into her shoes anymore and had to buy new ones specifically for pregnancy.

“Thank you, you are very kind but a simple seat will do, I get so tired so easily these days.” Sona says in a breathy tone, as Cordelia helps her sit in a nearby armchair.

Thomas and Alastair, meanwhile, share a delighted look at seeing one another. Thomas grins and quickly strides across the room and slips his hand into Alastair's.

“Mama, papa, this is Alastair, my boyfriend.” He proudly says, grinning at his parents.

Sophie immediately joins them and pulls Alastair into a hug, taking him by complete surprise.

“Don’t break his heart, alright?” Sophie softly says when she pulls back, placing a hand on Alastair’s cheek. Alastair smiles and nods.

“I promise, Mrs. Lightwood.”

Sophie smiles and squeezes his hand before stepping back to let Gideon talk to Alastair.

“Our Thomas is a sweet boy, with so much capacity to love. I’m sure you already know this but it is an honor to be loved by him in anyway. Never forget that, alright?” Alastair nods.

“Of course not Mr. Lightwood.” He assures him. Gideon smiles and holds his hand out for Alastair to shake.

“Good, and if you ever need some fatherly advice or a man to man talk, I am always here.” The offer almost makes Alastair tear up again.

“Thank you Mr. Lightwood, I very much appreciate that.”

“Now you just have to meet Genie, I think she will like you too.” Thomas lightly says, laying his head on Alastair’s shoulder. Alastair chuckles and puts an arm around his boyfriend.

“Well now it is my turn to introduce you to my family. You already know Layla, but you haven’t met my wonderful mother yet. Mamán this is Thomas, my boyfriend.”

With help from Cordelia Sona stands up from her chair and beams brightly at Thomas. She pulls him down for a hug and squeezes tightly.

“It is so lovely to meet the boy who has made my Alastair happy again. Treat him well.”

Over the next few months the Lightwoods and Carstairs grow very close. Gideon helps Sona begin proceedings for her divorce and also helps her make a case against Elias having any custody of the baby. They have plenty of evidence of him being an unfit parent and a danger to the baby, so it only takes a matter of weeks for it be agreed upon by The Silent Brothers and The Clave that Elias has no legal rights to the baby and will not be allowed around them at all.

Sophie helps Sona through the rest of her difficult pregnancy, having had a hard pregnancy herself, with Thomas.

Thomas and Alastair grow closer and fall even more in love, and Cordelia finds a new friend in Eugenia.

2 months later on a rainy February day, Cordelia, Alastair, Thomas and Eugenia are all nervously waiting outside the Institute infirmary, waiting for word on Sona who went into labor in the early hours of the morning. Brother Zachariah came right away, and has been doing a wonderful job of helping Sona through her labor while also keeping everyone else updated.

8 hours after Sona went into labor, the silence of the infirmary waiting room is interrupted by the squeaking of the infirmary door opening.

The 4 teenagers turn to look at the doorway, where Brother Zachariah now stands, his hood drawn back and his hands folded neatly in front of him.

“Uncle Jem.” Cordelia leans forward, eager to hear what he has to say. “Is mama alright, and the baby?”

Yes everything is absolutely fine Cordelia. In fact, you have a healthy baby brother, congratulations.

Cordelia gasps and shrieks in delight, turning to hug Alastair tightly.

“A boy! It’s a boy Al, we have a baby brother!” She gleefully exclaims. Alastair laughs in delight and holds his sister tight, picking her up and spinning her around twice, unable to contain his utter glee and delight. His mother is alright, his baby brother is alright, everything is alright.

“Two against one! You are done for, Layla!” Alastair teases, setting his sister down and affectionately tugging at a lock of her hair. Cordelia laughs and playfully swats him on the arm.

“Not a chance! I’m going to go hold him first!” she quickly turns on her heel and hurries into the infirmary after Jem.

“I always wanted a little brother, I’m quiet envious!” Thomas lightly says, slipping an arm around Alastair’s waist. “I am very happy for you.” Alastair beams at his boyfriend and kisses him.

“I love you.”

"I love you too."

[monkberries]

yoko said that john contemplated an affair with paul and yet no one seems to take notice of that fact. i would have thought that would be BIG NEWS and change a lot of what we now know as beatles history, and yet, it doesn't. seems a lot of beatles fans and authors have selective hearing/seeing. it's frustrating

I cannot fucking believe I just typed out a whole three paragraph response and then clicked away by accident lemme try again

Oh, I think the fans take notice of it plenty! Perhaps it’s a function of where my fan experience comes from (75% tumblr lbr) but I haven’t read Norman’s book, and that’s one excerpt I could almost quote back to you word for word for how much I’ve seen it sent around. The problem, I think, is that Beatle Authors, the people actually writing and publishing the books that people read, don’t take notice or don’t want to.

The honest truth is that most Beatle Authors are older, straight men, and that colors how they look at this. And they may not want to explore it for a multitude of reasons. They may be uncomfortable talking about queer issues, they may be casually (or not so casually) homophobic and don’t want to think about John like that, they may be dismissive of Yoko, they may be dismissive of Paul. It’s likely a different combination of those things for each one.

And I think most importantly, they are dismissive of it specifically because Yoko mentioned him contemplating an affair with Paul. If Yoko had said, “John contemplated an affair with Elton John,” it would have been very easy for Beatle Authors to take that and go, “Oh, so he was exploring his sexuality and maybe had bisexual leanings in the 70s! Interesting!” and start talking about it that way. Elton was very gay, and he only knew John in the 70s; that’s an easier thing to think about for them. But, I think because she said Paul, for a multitude of reasons it makes Authors uncomfortable. For some of them, I think it’s that they don’t like Paul, but I think the more important reason they don’t take this quote as seriously as we think they should is because it would mean having to go back and reevaluate everything John ever wrote or said about Paul. They would have to look at his songs under a different light, and every interview he gave; they would have to go back and completely rethink the breakup. Like I said in my last response to an ask, it’s like a colored gel filter over a camera lens. And while I think it’s irresponsible, I do understand not wanting to examine your own biases. It takes a lot of work that people often don’t wanna do, especially when it means they have to think of themselves as maybe having been bigoted when they don’t see themselves that way.

(And to be clear, I don’t think John was bi only because of what Yoko said in the Norman book or just because of that convo she supposedly had with John about everyone being bi. I think it’s at least a little bit fair that maybe Authors don’t take her seriously on this because she is kind of a known liar and/or truth-twister. But I believe her on this not because it’s her, but because it aligns with multiple other conclusions that I’ve come to myself about song meanings, things John said in interviews, and the break-up.)

[eradicatetehnormal]

Thinking About Soriku

While it's no longer my OTP, SoRiku is and likely always will among my favorite KH ships. I admit that part of that is because I went in with a bias, due to a fan comic type thing that I read, prior to finishing the first KH game. After playing the games and seeing the community I shipped it more.

To be completely honest though, I didn't really see the ship outside of THE scenes in KH2 and through that symphony of sorcery scene in DDD. It was when I interacted with the community more that I realized how much there was to the ship. How they pointed out details like Riku technically sharing the paopu with Sora and that being the keychain on the combined keyblade dubbed "the gayblade" by the community. How jealous Riku acted in KH1 while suspiciously being more focused on one-upping sora than actually saving Kairi. How Riku did everything in his power to make sure Sora can come back safely in KH2 and 179 days, and of course the entirety of how their relationship is portrayed in DDD, with how Sora is disappointed with having to be separated from Riku and Riku always talking about Sora with almost nothing but positive things to say. All the other pieces of evidence that could point to hints of romantic attraction. From what I hear, people having a better understanding of the ship after interacting with the community is actually kinda common.

Soriku is one of those ships where the implications are subtle. If you're not looking for it, it's blink and you miss it, outside of a couple of stand-out scenes. If you ARE looking for it, it's extremely obvious to the point of almost coming off as intentional, especially post KH2 if you're looking at it from Riku's pov. I bet it's the work of the event planner:

Here's like, the thing with the community though. It's been at odds with a certain other group of shippers and they go at it A LOT, and it can make the community unbearable to be in sometimes. Not to mention how oversensitive some members of the community can be and how unwilling some of them are to live up to their past. The past of Sorikus being yaoi-obsessed fangirls who wrote and drew smut is real is very real and is a legacy that still lives on, even if it's not as bad as it used to be. There were consequently, children who saw that content. I understand Sorikus not wanting to acknowledge that past because

A. a lot of them consider it something that was a part of their cringy teen years and don't want to acknowledge it

and

B. Many Soriku shippers are genuinely queer and either aren't responsible for that content or fit into the prior category

And to be fair, a lot of the times when Kaisos bring this up, they do tend to have bad intentions and try to dismiss their own homophobic behavior, but at the same time if the yaoi side goes unacknowledged, especially when it comes to the older fan content, then it does seem like we aren't owning up to the fact that some of us are fetishy and it can leave and unwanted mark on the community. Also, yeah, going back to what I said earlier. Some of us are over-sensitive and do have a habit of calling people homophobic for saying that Kairi is Sora's most important person on their own platforms, and that's an issue too.

That being said, despite the community I still like the ship and it is still an S-tier pair for me, not GOD-TIER, but S-tier. When I actually remember how good their relationship is in the series, and good some of the fan content is, I can't bring myself to hate it.

Here's the other thing though. What if it actually happened? What if the series ended with Sora and Riku in an embrace saying that they'll always love and be there for each other, and then a strongly implied off-screen kiss? Regardless of how people feel about it, or what the intentions on Square and Disney's part, Sora and Riku ACTUALLY getting together would be a huge fucking deal. Not just for the KH community but for JRPGs and gaming in general. Hell, it'd be a huge mark in Disney history, as they would be among the few confirmed MAIN LGBTQ+ characters in a Disney property. Because of that people. will. riot. There will be many calling it the product of an agenda. There will be idiots saying that this ruined their childhood (which honestly if THAT's their argument, they didn't have a childhood worth ruining) and there will be people angry at Disney and ALL OF JAPAN for "forcing" children to see homosexual content. Probably giving prejudiced conservatives who like to be controversial, leeway to the yaoi argument as means of racism and homophobia. There's also the question of narrative meaning in Kingdom Hearts. First off there's the obvious, which is the writers will have to address Sora's relationship with Kairi else it feels disingenuous, and that can get messy rather quickly, especially because a lot of Kairi's relevancy is linked to her relationship with Sora. Pairing him with Riku can risk undermining his relationship with Kairi and if she doesn't do anything with Aqua and the other characters, can reduce her down to nothing but wasted potential, nostalgia, a cute design, and a cool backstory. As sad as it is, a big part of her appeal is her romantically coded relationship with Sora.

The series has always been about friendship first and foremost before everything else, even if it does value other types of relationships. Sora and Riku are considered by the creators, to be what the series is all about. What does it say about the power of friendship if the two leading characters were in love the entire time? This is less of a narrative issue with Kairi because she was never portrayed to be Sora's friend. She was always written to be a love interest to him in some way. Whereas with Riku, he was always written to either be Sora's rival, or embarrassingly close "friend", at least on a surface level. Sora and Riku getting together romantically could work to undermine the theme of friendship being the most powerful form of magic. Both Kaisos and Soriku's would probably just say "WELL IT CAN BE ABOUT BOTH", but part of what makes it so special in the eyes of many people is that it's NOT about both. That it consistently keeps its friendship theme and never safely comes out of it by making overly big moments with the love interest (except for Kairi single-handedly being the most important person to Sora. Why wouldn't it be Kairi AND Riku). So that initial message getting underplayed can risk taking the series down a peg for a lot of people.

[lgbtyrus]

Definitely

A Tarty fanfic? In October of 2020? You bet!!! This is a gift for @delicatesleeper who deserves the world’s most patient person award <3  Enjoy!

Words: 3068

High school was fun because you saw a lot of different things. Kids chanting Lick it! Lick it! to another kid going to lick a weird stain in the science building. An artsy kid having a break down in the middle of math. TJ Kippen fighting another boy in the locker room.

“TJ is fighting Carson!” Marty’s best friend, Tony, announced to him in one corner of the locker room. There was dozens of voices echoing throughout the stuffy place, and Marty could feel his heart slam against his chest every step he took towards the scene. But by the time he got there, their PE teacher had already separated the two. TJ seemed to get in a good hit as Carson hid his blood nose under his arm, not realizing blood was already dripping down at his chin.

“What in the fucking hell were you two thinking?!” their PE teacher’s voice boomed over them. “You’re both going to get kicked off the basketball team.”

“He started it!” TJ yelled, looking furious. His face was read. Marty didn’t know TJ that well, but he knew he wasn’t violent. Sure, he had a temper. But dating Cyrus Goodman for a while had to have done something good to him. Then again, break ups completely reprogram a person. Marty would know. He’s been through five.

Marty was sitting in detention, leaning back on his chair, balancing a pencil on his nose. It was him and the other kids who were regularly in there. Marty tried not to get detention so much he got kicked off the track team, but he also didn’t like doing his homework.

The teacher who looked over detention wasn’t in the classroom yet, so everyone in there was just talking and scrolling through their phones. They only looked up when someone came in, but it was usually someone they all recognized or knew pretty well.

Then TJ Kippen walked in and the pencil fell into his hand. Marty watched him walk inside the badly lit classroom, look around, and sit in the desk next to him before realizing he hadn’t stopped staring. TJ raised an eyebrow at him, making Marty panic and look away, pretending his pencil was the most interesting thing. He felt like if slightly turning his head would kill him.

Mr. Rosas walked in, whistling with a book and paper under his arm like usual. “Alright, people. Phones away. You can take them out after thirty minutes of homework.” He went to the front and put his book at the empty desk for whoever was overlooking detention. The room was in a trailer lot in the corner of their school, and it was hard to find if you never got in trouble. Mr. Rosas started reading the names of the roster, some kids saying here, some kids being recognized by him.

“TJ Kippen?” Mr. Rosas looked up. Marty turned his head and saw that TJ raised his hand. He had a heavy frown on his lips. “Aren’t you in basketball?”

“Not anymore.” TJ sighed, leaning back into his chair.

“Oh. You’re one of those two basketball players from today, no?” Mr. Rosas asked him. TJ nodded, looking embarrassed that everyone knew. Marty had been hearing everyone talking about TJ and Carson all day long, and it was making him really curious to know what happened. Nobody knows what happened. The two went inside the locker rooms laughing and then TJ threw the first hit.

Mr. Rosas finished taking attendance, and Marty realized that Carson wasn’t there. That usually meant an extra two days of detention. Marty forced himself to stop thinking about TJ and Carson and pulled out his algebra homework. Some kids were chatting with their work out on their desks, and Mr. Rosas didn’t seem to mind. He was in a good mood that day which basically meant they could do whatever they wanted. He said he always had a soft spot for misfits because he basically lived in detention in high school but had a good director that helped him get into college.

“Hey, Marty,” someone called out. Marty turned around the room, looking for the voice. “Right here, dude.” Marty made eye contact with TJ who was holding up a piece of paper. It was their homework. “Can you show me how to do four?” Marty looked at him, in shock for a bit. “Your name is Marty, right?”

“Um, yeah,” Marty said. He cleared his throat and looked down at his homework, trying to remember his steps while a storm brewed in his brain. “I dated Buffy freshman year.” Really? That’s what you say? Dumbass.

“I know who you are.” TJ told him. Marty didn’t know how to reprogram himself to work, but he cleared his throat again and held up his math sheet to him.

“Let me walk you through it.”

TJ only needed help on two other problems after that, and Marty gladly helped him even when he was done with his homework. His moms had gotten mad at him for not taking AP classes, but he didn’t like to be challenged in academics. They weren’t interesting enough.

Mr. Rosas stood up and shut his book. “All right everyone, you’re dismissed for the day. Don’t come back.” Without hesitation, everyone scrambled out of their seats and made their way out of the classroom in a line. Marty’s track practice started at 4:30 because his coach knew a lot of the kids on the team had a knack for getting kept for detention or they had other clubs besides sports. Marty just had detention.

He made his way towards the locker rooms by the gym and track field, and after walking for a moment, he noticed TJ was right behind him. Marty decided against walking faster and instead met up with TJ who gave him a head nod in acknowledgment. “Where are you of to?” Marty asked him.

��I’m not sure. I’ve never left school this early.”

“You should go to Rita Donuts. She has student discounts on Wednesdays.”

“Good to know.”

“So,” Marty said. He cleared his throat. He didn’t know how else to keep the conversation going. “What happened in the locker room.”

“What have you heard?” TJ asked him.

“Honestly, everything.” Marty crossed his arms, walking a little closer to TJ who was now heading towards the school gates, opposite of the locker rooms. Instead of saying anything, Marty continued to walk besides him.

“He said something homophobic. I punched him. That’s that.” Marty couldn’t figure TJ out. He was stoic and saying everything like he hadn’t just gotten kicked off the basketball team- the one he was captain of as a junior.

“What?” Marty asked. He had heard many things except that. Something like that wasn’t even a possibility at their high school. “And you’re both off the team?”

“He’s suspended and maybe expelled. I just got off the team because of the no tolerance policy. They said they’ll make sure I can play next year, though.”

“Well, I guess that’s kind of good?” Marty said, still not understanding how the school worked.

“Yeah. Honestly, it’s fine,” TJ admitted to him. “I can focus on actually getting good grades for now. I’m scared I’m not going to pass algebra.”

“I can tutor you,” Marty said without second thought.

“Really?” TJ smiled at him. Marty blushed crimson and nodded dumbfoundedly. “Thanks. I have you on Snapchat, no?”

“Yeah,” Marty nodded again. He couldn’t say much of anything else. He wasn’t even that good at math.

“Cool. I’ll hit you up,” TJ told him.

“Yeah,” Marty said. He looked at the time on his phone. “I’m gonna head to practice now. See you.”

“Later.” Marty smiled at him once more and ran towards the gym with his heart slamming against him like he wasn’t a trained runner. Math just got interesting.

-

Marty didn’t know what he was doing, why he was nervous, or why he even had a brain if it wasn’t going to work and save him from humiliating situations. TJ was going over to his house on Saturday to get help for their test on Monday, and Marty wasn’t exactly a wizard. He got in his shower after his six mile run from that morning and dressed in eight different things until deciding to wear a track shirt and jeans.

He didn’t have time to do his hair when his mom called from downstairs that TJ was there. He slid across the second floor in his socks and ran downstairs, TJ waiting for him at the door. He was smiling and talking to his mom, wearing a plain white shirt, basketball shorts, and slides. Marty definitely felt overdressed.

“Hey,” Marty waved at him.

“Hey,” TJ said, bringing his backpack higher on his shoulder.

“You can wait in the dining room,” Marty said, pointing at the entryway. “I need to get my backpack.” TJ gave him a thumbs up and walked over as Marty ran back upstairs, his heartrate a complete mess even when he ran back down.

“Do you run everywhere?” TJ asked him when he sat down in the chair next to him. Marty nodded, taking in counted breaths.

“It’s faster. You should try it.”

“Maybe when I’m back in shape.”

Marty stifled a full laugh. “You’ve only been out of basketball for like four days.”

“I breathe hard when I go up the stairs now. Four days was all I needed.”

“I run at least six miles every.”

“You’re addicted to track.”

“Sounds about right,” Marty smiled. He took out his binder and homework.

He didn’t know how he did it, but he got TJ through the course work and got him ready for the test. Marty had never studied that much on his own before since math was just a regular subject to him. Studying with TJ was fun, though. Whenever he tried to study with Tony, they ended up messing around and playing video games because they got bored.

But everything about TJ kept him grounded, like he was scared he would miss years of his life if he looked away for even just a second. It was too much for Marty to try to process sometimes, and he often tried to rub the heat away from his cheeks.

-

Marty and TJ hung out more outside of tutoring. TJ had a lot of time on his hands, and his friends were still going to basketball games so Marty would invite him to hang out with Tony and a few other boys. Tony raised his eyebrow one time when Marty was sad TJ wouldn’t make it to bowling, but when Marty asked him what, Tony just laughed and shook his head. That’s how Marty knew he was fucked.

TJ was in that stage months post breakup where he wasn’t gloomy about it anymore and he was back to functioning like normal again, but you could tell he had put a barrier up. There were times when TJ would almost talk about his home life or his family or even how he felt about certain things, but there always something blocking him. Like if he remembered he would only talk about those certain things to a certain someone who broke his heart.

Marty approached TJ with as much caution as much as he threw himself at him. He felt delusional and crazy, but there were times he felt like TJ was starting to like him, too. The proximity in which they would walk side by side seemed to close in even closer every week, and Marty wasn’t the one inching next to him. But even though they were becoming good friends, Marty knew there was going to be a lot more walls to break down.

One day at the park, Marty broke down the first obstacle and asked TJ why him and Cyrus had broken up. “We just didn’t click anymore,” TJ said. “He broke up with me, and I just said ok.” Marty watched TJ fiddle with the basketball in his hand for a moment, about to speak up before TJ started talking again. “I wish I would’ve asked him to stay, though. But… I could tell that he just didn’t want me anymore.” Marty didn’t know what to do with that, so he just patted TJ on the back.

“Sorry, bud.”

“That’s just the way it is.” TJ threw the ball at Marty, and they got up for another game. The entire time Marty wondered if TJ would go back to Cyrus if he could.

Marty figured he had nothing to lose and asked, “Are you over him?” In that moment, TJ stood still with the basketball in his hands. He stared at Marty, making his breath hitch for a second as those green eyes looked for something. “Yeah. I basically am.”

Basically. Basically am. What does that mean? Marty asked himself that over and over that night, and it was starting to drive him insane. So much, he just gave in and called Tony at one in the morning.

Tony was half-asleep when he answered. “Hello?”

“Okay,” Marty jumped right into it, “you know how I like TJ right?” There was a few seconds of silence.

“Yes.”

“So, I asked him if he was over Cyrus, and he said he basically was. What does basically mean? Like he doesn’t want to say he is because he’s lying or he is in the process of fully forgetting him?”

“Um.” Tony yawned into the mic, hurting Marty’s ear with the buzz. “Both?”

“Tony that’s not helping.”

“Dude just tell him you like him.”

“I can’t do that.” Marty’s head was filling with air at just the thought of doing that. “It’d just ruin our friendship.”

“Hmm, I don’t know, man.” Marty knew that tone.

“What do you know?”

“What do you mean?” Tony repeated back. He was cornered.

“What are you keeping from me?”

“Nothing,” Tony’s voice got louder which meant he was lying.

“Just tell me and you can go to sleep.” Marty heard Tony sigh. It didn’t take that long to get him to crack. “He told one of the guys who told me that he thinks you’re… cute.”

“Cute?” Marty didn’t know what to do with the information.

“Yeah. Goodnight.” Marty didn’t even get to say it back as Tony hung up, leaving Marty with the most explosive words he could’ve left him with.

-

TJ always asked Marty to hang out before he had gotten the cute bomb dropped on him, so Marty told himself not to act any different or to pick apart every little thing TJ did like a fetal pig. Doing so was starting to give him a heartache. But when him and TJ were doing homework in Marty’s kitchen, there was just too much gut to not pick at.

TJ had lightly bumped his foot into Marty’s and then just kept it there. He told Marty he had nice handwriting (a lot of people told him that, though). He told Marty his hair looked nice, and Marty didn’t know how to react so he just ran his fingers through his hair and accidentally ruined it so TJ could jokingly say never mind. And at one point, TJ took the ring he had on his hand and slipped it on Marty’s finger, his race redder than it had ever been. TJ noticed it.

“Why is your face so red?” TJ asked, still holding Marty’s hand on the table. Marty looked between TJ’s face that held a sneaky smile and their fingers that were grazing on each other.

Marty hid his face with his free hand and said, “I think it’s just allergies.” Dumbass! Dumb! Dumb! Dumb boy. Allergies?!

TJ chuckled and pulled his hand back slightly. “I didn’t know allergies did that.”

“Yeah,” Marty tapped his ringed hand on the table. “My moms say the doctors don’t know what to do with me.”

TJ looked Marty in the eye as he whispered, “I don’t know what to do, either.” Marty looked at TJ with his eyebrow raised. It was his turn to make him spazz out.

“Are you trying to kill me?”

TJ raised an eyebrow, a smile twitching on his face. “What kind of doctors are you doing to?”

“I think they’re vampires. It works out so I don’t have to miss track practice during the day.” TJ rolled his eyes but not in a rude way. In a you’re not that funny way. But he was still smiling warmly. Marty looked at TJ, realizing how close he had him and how his green eyes were just diamonds on his face. His face was full of sharp features, and he wanted to run his finger on all of them. He reached out and touched TJ’s hand again, making him look at him with wide eyes. Marty was about to retreat his hand, when TJ grasped it, fully holding it and tapping on of his fingers on his ring.

“Do you like me?” TJ asked him. Okay so this is happening now!

“What do you think?” Marty said, showing him their hands. TJ laughed a little.

“I think you do,” TJ said quietly, looking at him with a small smile.

“I know you think I’m cute,” Marty couldn’t help but say. “A little birdy told me.”

TJ had a victorious look on his face. “I knew those two would snitch. I planned it out like that.”

“What?” Marty asked. “You told someone you thought I was cute so that they would tell Tony to tell me?” They both laughed after Marty tried to piece it together in the air.

“I don’t know how Tony got involved, but yeah. Something like that.”

“Why not just tell me?”

“Just in case you didn’t like me.” TJ shrugged. “Can’t really know if someone really wants you despite their words and actions that say they do.” Marty’s heart seemed to sigh as he realized what TJ was talking about. Marty stood up and go closer to TJ, leaning down to kiss him. TJ kissed him back, his hand squeezing his harder.

Marty pulled away and pressed his forehead against TJ’s, their eyes in each other’s worlds. “Well I definitely like you. A lot. And if you’re willing to, I’d like to take you out sometime.” TJ gave him a small kiss.

“I’d like that.”

[path-of-my-childhood]

Taylor Swift: ‘I was literally about to break’

By: Laura Snapes for The Guardian Date: August 24th 2019

Taylor Swift’s Nashville apartment is an Etsy fever dream, a 365-days-a-year Christmas shop, pure teenage girl id. You enter through a vestibule clad in blue velvet and covered in gilt frames bursting with fake flowers. The ceiling is painted like the night sky. Above a koi pond in the living area, a narrow staircase spirals six feet up towards a giant, pillow-lagged birdcage that probably has the best view in the city. Later, Swift will tell me she needs metaphors “to understand anything that happens to me”, and the birdcage defies you not to interpret it as a pointed comment on the contradictions of stardom.

Swift, wearing pale jeans and dip-dyed shirt, her sandy hair tied in a blue scrunchie, leads the way up the staircase to show me the view. The decor hasn’t changed since she bought this place in 2009, when she was 19. “All of these high rises are new since then,” she says, gesturing at the squat glass structures and cranes. Meanwhile her oven is still covered in stickers, more teenage diary than adult appliance.

Now 29, she has spent much of the past three years living quietly in London with her boyfriend, actor Joe Alwyn, making the penthouse a kind of time capsule, a monument to youthful naivety given an unlimited budget – the years when she sang about Romeo and Juliet and wore ballgowns to awards shows; before she moved to New York and honed her slick, self-mythologising pop.

It is mid-August. This is Swift’s first UK interview in more than three years, and she seems nervous: neither presidential nor goofy (her usual defaults), but quick with a tongue-out “ugh” of regret or frustration as she picks at her glittery purple nails. We climb down from the birdcage to sit by the pond, and when the conversation turns to 2016, the year the wheels came off for her, Swift stiffens as if driving over a mile of speed bumps. After a series of bruising public spats (with Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj) in 2015, there was a high-profile standoff with Kanye West. The news that she was in a relationship with actor Tom Hiddleston, which leaked soon after, was widely dismissed as a diversionary tactic. Meanwhile, Swift went to court to prosecute a sexual assault claim, and faced a furious backlash when she failed to endorse a candidate in the 2016 presidential election, allowing the alt-right to adopt her as their “Aryan princess”.

Her critics assumed she cared only about the bottom line. The reality, Swift says, is that she was totally broken. “Every domino fell,” she says bitterly. “It became really terrifying for anyone to even know where I was. And I felt completely incapable of doing or saying anything publicly, at all. Even about my music. I always said I wouldn’t talk about what was happening personally, because that was a personal time.” She won’t get into specifics. “I just need some things that are mine,” she despairs. “Just some things.”

A year later, in 2017, Swift released her album Reputation, half high-camp heel turn, drawing on hip-hop and vaudeville (the brilliantly hammy Look What You Made Me Do), half stunned appreciation that her nascent relationship with Alwyn had weathered the storm (the soft, sensual pop of songs Delicate and Dress).

Her new album, Lover, her seventh, was released yesterday. It’s much lighter than Reputation: Swift likens writing it to feeling like “I could take a full deep breath again”. Much of it is about Alwyn: the Galway Girl-ish track London Boy lists their favourite city haunts and her newfound appreciation of watching rugby in the pub with his uni mates; on the ruminative Afterglow, she asks him to forgive her anxious tendency to assume the worst.

While she has always written about relationships, they were either teenage fantasy or a postmortem on a high-profile breakup, with exes such as Jake Gyllenhaal and Harry Styles. But she and Alwyn have seldom been pictured together, and their relationship is the only other thing she won’t talk about. “I’ve learned that if I do, people think it’s up for discussion, and our relationship isn’t up for discussion,” she says, laughing after I attempt a stealthy angle. “If you and I were having a glass of wine right now, we’d be talking about it – but it’s just that it goes out into the world. That’s where the boundary is, and that’s where my life has become manageable. I really want to keep it feeling manageable.”

Instead, she has swapped personal disclosure for activism. Last August, Swift broke her political silence to endorse Democratic Tennessee candidate Phil Bredesen in the November 2018 senate race. Vote.org reported an unprecedented spike in voting registration after Swift’s Instagram post, while Donald Trump responded that he liked her music “about 25% less now”.

Meanwhile, her recent single You Need To Calm Down admonished homophobes and namechecked US LGBTQ rights organisation Glaad (which then saw increased donations). Swift filled her video with cameos from queer stars such as Ellen DeGeneres and Queen singer Adam Lambert, and capped it with a call to sign her petition in support of the Equality Act, which if passed would prohibit gender- and sexuality-based discrimination in the US. A video of Polish LGBTQ fans miming the track in defiance of their government’s homophobic agenda went viral. But Swift was accused of “queerbaiting” and bandwagon-jumping. You can see how she might find it hard to work out what, exactly, people want from her.

***

It was girlhood that made Swift a multimillionaire. When country music’s gatekeepers swore that housewives were the only women interested in the genre, she proved them wrong. Her self-titled debut marked the longest stay on the Billboard 200 by any album released in the decade. A potentially cloying image – corkscrew curls, lyrics thick on “daddy” and down-home values – were undercut by the fact she was evidently, endearingly, a bit of a freak, an unusual combination of intensity and artlessness. Also, she was really, really good at what she did, and not just for a teenager: her entirely self-written third album, 2010’s Speak Now, is unmatched in its devastatingly withering dismissals of awful men.

As a teenager, Swift was obsessed with VH1’s Behind The Music, the series devoted to the rise and fall of great musicians. She would forensically rewatch episodes, trying to pinpoint the moment a career went wrong. I ask her to imagine she’s watching the episode about herself and do the same thing: where was her misstep? “Oh my God,” she says, drawing a deep breath and letting her lips vibrate as she exhales. “I mean, that’s so depressing!” She thinks back and tries to deflect. “What I remember is that [the show] was always like, ‘Then we started fighting in the tour bus and then the drummer quit and the guitarist was like, “You’re not paying me enough.”’’’

But that’s not what she used to say. In interviews into her early 20s, Swift often observed that an artist fails when they lose their self-awareness, as if repeating the fact would work like an insurance against succumbing to the same fate. But did she make that mistake herself? She squeezes her nose and blows to clear a ringing in her ears before answering. “I definitely think that sometimes you don’t realise how you’re being perceived,” she says. “Pop music can feel like it’s The Hunger Games, and like we’re gladiators. And you can really lose focus of the fact that that’s how it feels because that’s how a lot of stan [fan] Twitter and tabloids and blogs make it seem – the overanalysing of everything makes it feel really intense.”

She describes the way she burned bridges in 2016 as a kind of obliviousness. “I didn’t realise it was like a classic overthrow of someone in power – where you didn’t realise the whispers behind your back, you didn’t realise the chain reaction of events that was going to make everything fall apart at the exact, perfect time for it to fall apart.”

Here’s that chain reaction in full. With her 2014 album 1989 (the year she was born), Swift transcended country stardom, becoming as ubiquitous as Beyoncé. For the first time she vocally embraced feminism, something she had rejected in her teens; but, after a while, it seemed to amount to not much more than a lot of pictures of her hanging out with her “squad”, a bevy of supermodels, musicians and Lena Dunham. The squad very much did not include her former friend Katy Perry, whom Swift targeted in her song Bad Blood, as part of what seemed like a painfully overblown dispute about some backing dancers. Then, when Nicki Minaj tweeted that MTV’s 2015 Video Music awards had rewarded white women at the expense of women of colour, multiple-nominee Swift took it personally, responding: “Maybe one of the men took your slot.” For someone prone to talking about the haters, she quickly became her own worst enemy.

Her old adversary Kanye West resurfaced in February 2016. In 2009, West had invaded Swift’s stage at the MTV VMAs to protest against her victory over Beyoncé in the female video of the year category. It remains the peak of interest in Swift on Google Trends, and the conflict between them has become such a cornerstone of celebrity journalism that it’s hard to remember it lay dormant for nearly seven years – until West released his song Famous. “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex,” he rapped. “Why? I made that bitch famous.” The video depicted a Swift mannequin naked in bed with men including Trump.

Swift loudly condemned both; although she had discussed the track with West, she said she had never agreed to the “bitch” lyric or the video. West’s wife, Kim Kardashian, released a heavily edited clip that showed Swift at least agreeing to the “sex” line on the phone with West, if not the “bitch” part. Swift pleaded the technicality, but it made no difference: when Kardashian went on Twitter to describe her as a snake, the comparison stuck and the singer found herself very publicly “cancelled” – the incident taken as “proof” of Swift’s insincerity. So she went away.

Swift says she stopped trying to explain herself, even though she “definitely” could have. As she worked on Reputation, she was also writing “a think-piece a day that I knew I would never publish: the stuff I would say, and the different facets of the situation that nobody knew”. If she could exonerate herself, why didn’t she? She leans forward. “Here’s why,” she says conspiratorially. “Because when people are in a hate frenzy and they find something to mutually hate together, it bonds them. And anything you say is in an echo chamber of mockery.”

She compares that year to being hit by a tidal wave. “You can either stand there and let the wave crash into you, and you can try as hard as you can to fight something that’s more powerful and bigger than you,” she says. “Or you can dive under the water, hold your breath, wait for it to pass and while you’re down there, try to learn something. Why was I in that part of the ocean? There were clearly signs that said: Rip tide! Undertow! Don’t swim! There are no lifeguards!” She’s on a roll. “Why was I there? Why was I trusting people I trusted? Why was I letting people into my life the way I was letting them in? What was I doing that caused this?”

After the incident with Minaj, her critics started pointing out a narrative of “white victimhood” in Swift’s career. Speaking slowly and carefully, she says she came to understand “a lot about how my privilege allowed me to not have to learn about white privilege. I didn’t know about it as a kid, and that is privilege itself, you know? And that’s something that I’m still trying to educate myself on every day. How can I see where people are coming from, and understand the pain that comes with the history of our world?”

She also accepts some responsibility for her overexposure, and for some of the tabloid drama. If she didn’t wish a friend happy birthday on Instagram, there would be reports about severed friendships, even if they had celebrated together. “Because we didn’t post about it, it didn’t happen – and I realised I had done that,” she says. “I created an expectation that everything in my life that happened, people would see.”

But she also says she couldn’t win. “I’m kinda used to being gaslit by now,” she drawls wearily. “And I think it happens to women so often that, as we get older and see how the world works, we’re able to see through what is gaslighting. So I’m able to look at 1989 and go – KITTIES!” She breaks off as an assistant walks in with Swift’s three beloved cats, stars of her Instagram feed, back from the vet before they fly to England this week. Benjamin, Olivia and Meredith haughtily circle our feet (they are scared of the koi) as Swift resumes her train of thought, back to the release of 1989 and the subsequent fallout. “Oh my God, they were mad at me for smiling a lot and quote-unquote acting fake. And then they were mad at me that I was upset and bitter and kicking back.” The rules kept changing.

***

Swift’s new album comes with printed excerpts from her diaries. On 29 August 2016, she wrote in her girlish, bubble writing: “This summer is the apocalypse.” As the incident with West and Kardashian unfolded, she was preparing for her court case against radio DJ David Mueller, who was fired in 2013 after Swift reported him for putting his hand up her dress at a meet-and–greet event. He sued her for defamation; she countersued for sexual assault.

“Having dealt with a few of them, narcissists basically subscribe to a belief system that they should be able to do and say whatever the hell they want, whenever the hell they want to,” Swift says now, talking at full pelt. “And if we – as anyone else in the world, but specifically women – react to that, well, we’re not allowed to. We’re not allowed to have a reaction to their actions.”

In summer 2016 she was in legal depositions, practising her testimony. “You’re supposed to be really polite to everyone,” she says. But by the time she got to court in August 2017, “something snapped, I think”. She laughs. Her testimony was sharp and uncompromising. She refused to allow Mueller’s lawyers to blame her or her security guards; when asked if she could see the incident, Swift said no, because “my ass is in the back of my body”. It was a brilliant, rude defence.

“You’re supposed to behave yourself in court and say ‘rear end’,” she says with mock politesse. “The other lawyer was saying, ‘When did he touch your backside?’ And I was like, ‘ASS! Call it what it is!’” She claps between each word. But despite the acclaim for her testimony and eventual victory (she asked for one symbolic dollar), she still felt belittled. It was two months prior to the beginning of the #MeToo movement. “Even this case was literally twisted so hard that people were calling it the ‘butt-grab case’. They were saying I sued him because there’s this narrative that I want to sue everyone. That was one of the reasons why the summer was the apocalypse.”

She never wanted the assault to be made public. Have there been other instances she has dealt with privately? “Actually, no,” she says soberly. “I’m really lucky that it hadn’t happened to me before. But that was one of the reasons it was so traumatising. I just didn’t know that could happen. It was really brazen, in front of seven people.” She has since had security cameras installed at every meet-and-greet she does, deliberately pointed at her lower half. “If something happens again, we can prove it with video footage from every angle,” she says.

The allegations about Harvey Weinstein came out soon after she won her case. The film producer had asked her to write a song for the romantic comedy One Chance, which earned her second Golden Globe nomination. Weinstein also got her a supporting role in the 2014 sci-fi movie The Giver, and attended the launch party for 1989. But she says they were never alone together.

“He’d call my management and be like, ‘Does she have a song for this film?’ And I’d be like, ‘Here it is,’” she says dispassionately. “And then I’d be at the Golden Globes. I absolutely never hung out. And I would get a vibe – I would never vouch for him. I believe women who come forward, I believe victims who come forward, I believe men who come forward.” Swift inhales, flustered. She says Weinstein never propositioned her. “If you listen to the stories, he picked people who were vulnerable, in his opinion. It seemed like it was a power thing. So, to me, that doesn’t say anything – that I wasn’t in that situation.”

Meanwhile, Donald Trump was more than nine months into his presidency, and still Swift had not taken a position. But the idea that a pop star could ever have impeded his path to the White House seemed increasingly naive. In hindsight, the demand that Swift speak up looks less about politics and more about her identity (white, rich, powerful) and a moralistic need for her to redeem herself – as if nobody else had ever acted on a vindictive instinct, or blundered publicly.

But she resisted what might have been an easy return to public favour. Although Reputation contained softer love songs, it was better known for its brittle, vengeful side (see This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things). She describes that side of the album now as a “bit of a persona”, and its hip-hop-influenced production as “a complete defence mechanism”. Personally, I thought she had never been more relatable, trashing the contract of pious relatability that traps young women in the public eye.

***

It was the assault trial, and watching the rights of LGBTQ friends be eroded, that finally politicised her, Swift says. “The things that happen to you in your life are what develop your political opinions. I was living in this Obama eight-year paradise of, you go, you cast your vote, the person you vote for wins, everyone’s happy!” she says. “This whole thing, the last three, four years, it completely blindsided a lot of us, me included.”

She recently said she was “dismayed” when a friend pointed out that her position on gay rights wasn’t obvious (what if she had a gay son, he asked), hence this summer’s course correction with the single You Need To Calm Down (“You’re comin’ at my friends like a missile/Why are you mad?/When you could be GLAAD?”). Didn’t she feel equally dismayed that her politics weren’t clear? “I did,” she insists, “and I hate to admit this, but I felt that I wasn’t educated enough on it. Because I hadn’t actively tried to learn about politics in a way that I felt was necessary for me, making statements that go out to hundreds of millions of people.”

She explains her inner conflict. “I come from country music. The number one thing they absolutely drill into you as a country artist, and you can ask any other country artist this, is ‘Don’t be like the Dixie Chicks!’” In 2003, the Texan country trio denounced the Iraq war, saying they were “ashamed” to share a home state with George W Bush. There was a boycott, and an event where a bulldozer crushed their CDs. “I watched country music snuff that candle out. The most amazing group we had, just because they talked about politics. And they were getting death threats. They were made such an example that basically every country artist that came after that, every label tells you, ‘Just do not get involved, no matter what.’

“And then, you know, if there was a time for me to get involved…” Swift pauses. “The worst part of the timing of what happened in 2016 was I felt completely voiceless. I just felt like, oh God, who would want me? Honestly.” She would otherwise have endorsed Hillary Clinton? “Of course,” she says sincerely. “I just felt completely, ugh, just useless. And maybe even like a hindrance.”

I suggest that, thinking selfishly, her coming out for Clinton might have made people like her. “I wasn’t thinking like that,” she stresses. “I was just trying to protect my mental health – not read the news very much, go cast my vote, tell people to vote. I just knew what I could handle and I knew what I couldn’t. I was literally about to break. For a while.” Did she seek therapy? “That stuff I just really wanna keep personal, if that’s OK,” she says.

She resists blaming anyone else for her political silence. Her emergence as a Democrat came after she left Big Machine, the label she signed to at 15. (They are now at loggerheads after label head Scott Borchetta sold the company, and the rights to Swift’s first six albums, to Kanye West’s manager, Scooter Braun.) Had Borchetta ever advised her against speaking out? She exhales. “It was just me and my life, and also doing a lot of self-reflection about how I did feel really remorseful for not saying anything. I wanted to try and help in any way that I could, the next time I got a chance. I didn’t help, I didn’t feel capable of it – and as soon as I can, I’m going to.”

Swift was once known for throwing extravagant 4 July parties at her Rhode Island mansion. The Instagram posts from these star-studded events – at which guests wore matching stars-and-stripes bikinis and onesies – probably supported a significant chunk of the celebrity news industry GDP. But in 2017, they stopped. “The horror!” wrote Cosmopolitan, citing “reasons that remain a mystery” for their disappearance. It wasn’t “squad” strife or the unavailability of matching cozzies that brought the parties to an end, but Swift’s disillusionment with her country, she says.

There is a smart song about this on the new album – the track that should have been the first single, instead of the cartoonish ME!. Miss Americana And The Heartbreak Prince is a forlorn, gothic ballad in the vein of Lana Del Rey that uses high-school imagery to dismantle American nationalism: “The whole school is rolling fake dice/You play stupid games/You win stupid prizes,” she sings with disdain. “Boys will be boys then/Where are the wise men?”

As an ambitious 11-year-old, she worked out that singing the national anthem at sports games was the quickest way to get in front of a large audience. When did she start feeling conflicted about what America stands for? She gives another emphatic ugh. “It was the fact that all the dirtiest tricks in the book were used and it worked,” she says. “The thing I can’t get over right now is gaslighting the American public into being like” – she adopts a sanctimonious tone – “‘If you hate the president, you hate America.’ We’re a democracy – at least, we’re supposed to be – where you’re allowed to disagree, dissent, debate.” She doesn’t use Trump’s name. “I really think that he thinks this is an autocracy.”

As we speak, Tennessee lawmakers are trying to impose a near-total ban on abortion. Swift has staunchly defended her “Tennessee values” in recent months. What’s her position? “I mean, obviously, I’m pro-choice, and I just can’t believe this is happening,” she says. She looks close to tears. “I can’t believe we’re here. It’s really shocking and awful. And I just wanna do everything I can for 2020. I wanna figure out exactly how I can help, what are the most effective ways to help. ’Cause this is just…” She sighs again. “This is not it.”

***

It is easy to forget that the point of all this is that a teenage Taylor Swiftwanted to write love songs. Nemeses and negativity are now so entrenched in her public persona that it’s hard to know how she can get back to that, though she seems to want to. At the end of Daylight, the new album’s dreamy final song, there’s a spoken-word section: “I want to be defined by the things that I love,” she says as the music fades. “Not the things that I hate, not the things I’m afraid of, the things that haunt me in the middle of the night.” As well as the songs written for Alwyn, there is one for her mother, who recently experienced a cancer relapse: “You make the best of a bad deal/I just pretend it isn’t real,” Swift sings, backed by the Dixie Chicks.

How does writing about her personal life work if she’s setting clearer boundaries? “It actually made me feel more free,” she says. “I’ve always had this habit of never really going into detail about exactly what situation inspired what thing, but even more so now.” This is only half true: in the past, Swift wasn’t shy of a level of detail that invited fans to figure out specific truths about her relationships. And when I tell her that Lover feels a more emotionally guarded album, she bristles. “I know the difference between making art and living your life like a reality star,” she says. “And then even if it’s hard for other people to grasp, my definition is really clear.”

Even so, Swift begins Lover by addressing an adversary, opening with a song called I Forgot That You Existed (“it isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference”), presumably aimed at Kanye West, a track that slightly defeats its premise by existing. But it sweeps aside old dramas to confront Swift’s real nemesis, herself. “I never grew up/It’s getting so old,” she laments on The Archer.

She has had to learn not to pre-empt disaster, nor to run from it. Her life has been defined by relationships, friendships and business relationships that started and ended very publicly (though she and Perry are friends again). At the same time, the rules around celebrity engagement have evolved beyond recognition in her 15 years of fame. Rather than trying to adapt to them, she’s now asking herself: “How do you learn to maintain? How do you learn not to have these phantom disasters in your head that you play out, and how do you stop yourself from sabotage – because the panic mechanism in your brain is telling you that something must go wrong.” For her, this is what growing up is. “You can’t just make cut-and-dry decisions in life. A lot of things are a negotiation and a grey area and a dance of how to figure it out.”

And so this time, Swift is sticking around. In December she will turn 30, marking the point after which more than half her life will have been lived in public. She’ll start her new decade with a stronger self-preservationist streak, and a looser grip (as well as a cameo in Cats). “You can’t micromanage life, it turns out,” she says, drily.

When Swift finally answered my question about the moment she would choose in the VH1 Behind The Music episode about herself, the one where her career turned, she said she hoped it wouldn’t focus on her “apocalypse” summer of 2016. “Maybe this is wishful thinking,” she said, “but I’d like to think it would be in a couple of years.” It’s funny to hear her hope that the worst is still to come while sitting in her fairytale living room, the cats pacing: a pragmatist at odds with her romantic monument to teenage dreams. But it sounds something like perspective.

[virgyvandijk]

19

1 // 2 // 3 // 4

Virgil knows the day is coming, so he's not surprised.

Things have been weird for months, but they've been even weirder since that night at Jordan's house. He's still training with the group, but he's making sure he can stay away from Virgil. They've not spoken a word since Jordan accused him of plotting to break up his marriage.

(Which, although it's not too far from the mark, he definitely didn't. He's thought about it, of course, but when it came down to it, he learnt a lot about what kind of guy he is).

People have noticed, because of course they have. Jurgen has promised not to get involved and said he isn't taking sides, and James is looking at Virgil a little strangely, which might also be because he thinks Virgil isn't pulling his weight in training, so. Adam has straight up told him to fuck off three times this week though, so he definitely knows.

Virgil is starting to feel like he's not all that well liked around here. The only person that's willingly staying close to him is Joe, which is nice of him. He's probably only doing it because he feels bad, but Virgil isn't going to complain. He needs a friend right now.

Joe's been biting his tongue for days when he finally asks.

"So what's going on with you and Hendo then?" He asks, trying to sound disinterested (and failing). Before Virgil can deny anything, he adds: "Don’t pretend you don't know what I'm on about. It's written all over your guilty little face, Virg. Something is going on and I want to know what, because Hendo is never like this with anyone."

He thinks about lying. Making something up - <em>he just doesn't like me, that's all. Sometimes people don't get on</em> - but one look at Joe's face and he sighs dropping his head.

"Jordan and I are soulmates," he says quietly, following the shouted instructions to stretch out.

"Isn't he married?" Joe asks, stretching down to touch his toes. He's still looking at Virgil, although he doesn't seem to be judging him (which is what Virgil was expecting). He seems completely, entirely neutral, which can only be a good thing.

"Yeah. His wife's soulmate died when she was a teenager and he just - gave up on me, apparently," Virgil says. He shrugs, trying to pretend that he doesn't care, but there's a crack deep in his chest and getting wider and wider every day. He doesn't know how he's going to survive this. "He's got kids. A mortgage. A whole life, without me. I can't step in and ruin that."

"But things were okay, weren't they?" Joe asks, frown etched into his face. "I assume him training at home was because of that, but then you were okay. For ages, you were fine. We thought it had all blown over."

"His wife invited me round for dinner a couple of weeks ago," Virgil says. He's trying to swallow back the lump in his throat but it's almost overwhelming by now, so he looks away. His gaze lands on Jordan, and he looks back at Joe so quick he feels like he's got whiplash. "She knew. I think she could just tell, you know? Because I didn't say anything, but then she confronted him about it and he kicked off, assumed I'd done it on purpose."

"Did you?" Joe says. It's a valid question, but.

"No," Virgil whispers. "I'd never do that. His family is beautiful. Bec is amazing and his girls are gorgeous and they're all so perfect together. There's no room for me in his life and that's okay. I mean - it's not, not right now. But in time it will be okay. I'll be okay. I haven't got any other option."

Joe doesn't say anything. If he notices when Virgil reaches up to wipe his eyes, he doesn't say anything.

"Okay," he says carefully. "Just know that you can talk to me about it whenever you want, yeah? I'm always here for you."

That might be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to him.

.

He doesn’t bring it up again until a while later. They're in Rome, on the back of an incredible win, but all Virgil can think about is the fact that Jordan is in the room next to him. It's like Joe could tell, because he burst in not long after they got back and made himself comfortable on the big plush chair in the corner, chatting about everything and nothing and not expecting a reply.

It's nice. Inane. 

But Virgil's mind never stays occupied for too long.

"Joey," Virgil says, although it's slightly hesitant. He knows that Joe said he could talk about it and he hasn't got anyone else, but still. He doesn't know if it's a good idea. "Can I… just talk about Jordan for a bit?" 

Joe shuts up immediately.

"Of course you can!" He says, perhaps a little too enthusiastically. He realises though, and grimaces, holding out a placating hand to Virgil. "I knew you'd struggle being in the room next to him. What's on your mind?" 

"Um," Virgil says dumbly. He doesn't quite know how to explain it, so he closes his eyes and swallows, difficult through his dry throat, and tries again. "I keep having dreams. But they're not… dreams. Not imaginary stuff. It's memories, things that happened in my last life. The one I shared with Jordan. I just… miss him. So much. And the dreams don't help."

"What was it like?" Joe enquires politely. He's resting his cheek on his hand but he seems gently interested. "Your last life."

"Good. We were happy - eventually. We made that happiness for ourselves, though," Virgil says, nodding slightly. He loves thinking about the good times they shared. It's the only thing that gets him through, sometimes. "We met in the trenches of World War Two. He was fighting because he had to, and I signed up to the allied forces because there were no jobs going and my mum was poor."

"Me and Tam have never been like that," Joe says. He's got that familiar thousand yard stare that everyone gets when they think about their past lives. "We've been royalty, members of a tribe, peasants - but we've always been together. Found each other. I can't remember a time when I was without her."

"Lucky for some," Virgil says, smiling sadly.

"Shit - I didn't mean-" Joe says, but Virgil cuts him off.

"It's fine, don't worry about it," Virgil says dismissively. He's got bigger things to worry about than Joe putting his foot in it. "Can think of better times and places to love another man, to be honest. The forties wasn't all it cracked up to be."

"How did you manage?" Joe asks, voice small. "Especially in an environment like the army."

“We didn’t – act on it, not until after we both left,” Virgil says, tipping his head back against the wall. He can hear Jordan’s TV on in the next room, and he closes his eyes to try and picture the scene properly. “As soon as I walked onto the base and saw him, in the bunk next to mine, I knew. I knew as soon as I saw him that he was my soulmate. I felt like I’d come home.

"We were just best friends. People didn’t suspect anything back then, as long as we didn’t get too close. But I told him I loved him every day, and he said it back. As soon as the war was over and we were discharged, we started planning our life together. Found a little cottage in the middle of nowhere and moved in. We were miles away from the nearest village.” 

"That sounds like a nice life," Joe says, smiling slightly.

"It was," Virgil confirms. "We used to work on the farms around the cottage. They gave us free food in the summer so we could save up for the winter months when there wasn't much to do, and I used to go to the village market on a Saturday morning. We had all the time in the world, just for us. Nobody bothered us, and if they knew we were together - the farmers or the stall holders - they never said anything. They left us alone, which was just the way we liked it."

"Didn't people treat it differently?" Joe asks, frowning. He seems deeply enthralled with the story Virgil is telling him. "Like, you're soulmates. You can't help that you've fallen for another man. It's fate."

"People will always be homophobic, Joey," Virgil says quietly. The prospect makes his heart hurt. "Fate doesn't mean a damn thing to bigots."

"I'm so sorry," Joe whispers, and lapses into silence. It's comfortable, not awkward, but also sad. Full of what ifs. Virgil hangs his head.

"I wish I never remembered," he says fiercely. He's not sure if he means it or not.

"Virg --" Joe says, sounding completely bewildered and a little bit out of his depth. His eyes are wide and he looks like he doesn't know how to handle this.

"I mean it," Virgil says. He's still unsure, though. "Every day it gets worse and worse. I had to watch him die, Joe. I held him and he died in my arms and he begged me to find him and I never gave up, not once. But he did. He gave up and now I'm the one who has to suffer. I wish I'd never remembered. I wish I wasn't in love with somebody so cruel."

There's nothing else he can add to that.

send me a prompt

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

thanks for ur as always deepful analyses and answers ! another ask for u : im soo afraid in the next chapter momo will be homophobic towards ht !! I mean except Zzx who seems at ease with his sexuality, the other boys all seem kind of homophobic. Jy called ht repulsive bc he called him pretty while he was a guy, Ht is very agressive in his advances (which i linked to toxic virility which entails homophobia) ; then both of them changed for the better bc of their feelings for another man. 1/?

Good evening, dear anon-san!

“thanks for ur as always deepful analyses and answers !”

I’m glad you’ve enjoyed them! Every time people send me questions it always makes me happy and to be honest, a bit taken aback because I’m just a little old me. But I’m glad my answers have had such a positive reception and given people food for thought. And it’s always a pleasant surprise when people feel like they can come to my ask box with their interpretations and strike up a conversation.

Homophobia is a very complex topic, and I wondered where I should start to unravel this ask. But soon I realized before I can even begin that I have to take a moment to sort out my own feelings. Whenever people say the boys in 19 Days are abusive or homophobic for whatever reason I tend to get ticked off. It’s a knee-jerk reaction, often sparked by my own bias, but something that can very easily cloud my answer and make it unfair for you. Exchanging interpretations and perspectives requires a level of objectivity and the ability to rise above your own bias. I can’t dismiss something just because it uncomfortably pokes my nerve. Instead, I should take a step back, try and see things from another point of view, and find some common ground.

I’m not saying I had to struggle to agree with you on anything but your ask certainly reminded me of how challenging yet rewarding it is to actually listen to an interpretation that differs from my own and try to objectively look at the story from that point of view. It hurts your brain at first but is surprisingly freeing in the end.

Because you addressed so many things in your ask, I will tie my answer together under the theme of homophobia and give it some structure that way. This will be my great 19 Days - homophobia edition. \(^v^)/

Sexual orientation and environment

Let’s start with the biggest context you brought up in your ask: social and cultural environment. I’m not familiar enough with Chinese culture to have anything definite to say about its attitude towards LGBT people. Of course, I’ve heard of the discrimination and even blatant hate by their government but I don’t have any idea about how ordinary, modern-day Chinese people view others with different sexual orientations. Not to mention, it’s always risky to take fictional works as an accurate representation of the milieu in which they’re set.

But I do think that 19 Days discusses homophobia in societies, though on a more general level. As Jian Yi has come to realize his feelings towards Zhan Zheng Xi, we’ve also gotten glimpses of his struggles. They’re surrounded by other kids in school, and from the very early chapters it’s been implied two guys being that close together or comfortable with that level of skinship turns people’s heads (ch. 53, 54, 55, and 57):

Of course, those panels also poke fun at the stereotype of girls being interested in cute guys being cute together. The girls stare, take pictures, and even smile knowingly. This bothered ZZX because it put him in awkward situations and created misunderstandings that would be embarrassing to correct. And the more he would try to deny and correct them, the more he would probably end up looking suspicious. But the bottom line is, he was increasingly conscious of the weird looks and attention JY’s antics were attracting and didn’t want people to get the wrong picture of his friendship with JY. All of that could give us some hints on how two boys being close might be viewed by their peers, but it should also be kept in mind that those kinds of “gay panic” moments are a big part of the humor you find in 19 Days.

Having a crush on someone of the same gender gets more serious tones after JY kissed ZZX (ch. 142)

The secret was finally out in the open. JY had carried his feelings in his heart for a long time. He had wanted to confess them so many times and often hidden them behind jokes and antics. Perhaps every time he had jumped to hug ZZX he had caught a whiff of his scent and enjoyed the feeling of him in his arms. But to take the definite last step of confessing and lifting that curtain had always terrified him. And who wouldn’t have been scared? Not only would you have to come out but also risk losing your childhood best friend. It could be JY had even thought of never telling ZZX about his feelings because it could go horribly wrong.

For a while, things are somewhat put on pause after the first reveal which I found very realistic. JY wasn’t flat-out rejected but ZZX most definitely needed a moment to sort out his own feelings. He pestered JY to be straight with him (pun not intended...) and made it clear it would be safe for JY to rely on him and free himself of the burden. Despite that JY was still very unsure if his confession won’t result in ZZX abandoning him because “gay” is abnormal and disgusting (ch. 164):

Even when JY finally confessed he was expecting to be rejected in disgust (ch. 209):

But he had sort of reached the point of just finally getting it all out even if ZZX wouldn’t return his feelings. Even if it meant they wouldn’t be friends anymore. At least he had said it. He had heartbreakingly little faith that their kind of relationship wouldn’t be completely doomed. Thank god he had fallen for someone like ZZX. I don’t think I’ve never been as grateful for a character like him before.

A tangible example of how Zhanyi and their environment collided was Xiao Hui’s character (ch. 158):

When she called JY a disgusting gay, it was the first time he was facing that kind of homophobia. Though her actions were frustrating, I think Xiao Hui’s character was a good addition to Zhanyi. At first, she lashed out both because she was hurt and publicly humiliated but also no doubt because she had internalized the idea that heterosexuality was the norm and anything else was abnormal and wrong. Later on, she had had time to lick her wounds and calm down (ch. 258):

She still has a crush on ZZX but even though she probably realizes she doesn’t have a chance she still wants a clear rejection from ZZX. It still hurts and stings but doesn’t upset her as much. It could even be she’s a little happy for them. I think Xiao Hui’s character is a good example that people are capable of changing and reflecting when they’re given a chance. And no one should be forever held accountable and punished for the mistakes they made and have since bettered themselves.

In a broader sense, I think Zhanyi also discusses what kind of future a same-sex couple could have in society (ch. 268):

That drawing on the wall is my favorite Zhanyi moment. As cute as ZZX drawing him and JY together was, it also carries some bittersweet undertones. The original drawing represents the norm: a boy and a girl in love but if there are no skirts involved, it’s a whole other story. To be open about their relationship would most probably never be an option for JY and ZZX. Something as simple as holding hands in public would take courage and threaten to complicate other aspects of their lives (school, work, family). They don’t have the same privilege as straight people to openly and safely share their feelings and have that universal experience.

Your ask was mainly about Mo Guan Shan and He Tian, but I wanted to take a moment to talk about their environment since you also referred to it. And the easiest way for that seemed to be to talk about the progress of Zhanyi. As you suggested, it does seem the society in which all of the characters live is very much heteronormative which puts pressure on the characters to fit in. And if they fail that, they will face homophobia and most probably feel the need to hide their true selves. Case in point, Zhanyi.

Boys being boys

As much as I know that phrase is deemed Problematic™ these days, I think it fits the dynamics of the boys of 19 Days. They mess with each other, and all of that is typical humor for the comic. Personally, I’ve never taken any of their teasing and good-natured bullying seriously because it’s how 15-year-old boys are around each other.

However, I just finished talking about the environment under which influences and discourses the boys have grown up. I don’t feel like I can ignore what I had just been saying and brush it off as “oh well, they’re just boys” if they’ve always been surrounded by certain attitudes. Does that mean the boys have also internalized those attitudes towards gay people despite having feelings for someone of the same sex? Does that make them a representation of toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia?

In all honesty, I’m struggling to answer those questions. On one hand, I do agree that society’s norms of what is masculine put a lot of pressure on boys when growing up. You have to act, talk, dress, and be in a certain way to be accepted, and it doesn’t take a lot for kids to internalize those ideas. And as you said, acting or looking gay (not to mention, actually being one) is probably the worst a young boy could be. Being gay is often linked to everything a proper man shouldn’t be: sissy, effeminate, sensitive, weak, submissive, on the bottom. The list goes on and on.

On the other hand, do I think you can see that in the four main boys of 19 Days? I suppose it’s possible if that’s the direction you want to take. If you look at anything through those lenses, you can probably find toxic masculinity everywhere. Do I think HT, MGS, JY and ZZX are homophobic because they possibly showcase traits of toxic masculinity? I guess. I don’t know. I see where that interpretation comes from, but some part of my brain never manages to make the full connection between those two. I’m constantly having a feeling that my way of thinking differs from your interpretation but I can’t properly validate or argue my opinions.

Perhaps taking a look at the examples you mentioned might help. You talked about JY being homophobic when this was his response to HT calling him good looking (ch. 108):

I can’t exactly deny that panel couldn’t be taken as toxic masculinity. I might even agree with you on that. I wouldn’t probably go as far as saying JY was being homophobic but it does seem like his masculinity was threatened or questioned in that situation. Interestingly, I’ve seen that phrase pop up a lot in yaoi/shounen-ai comics. Characters who are in a gay relationship don’t often feel comfortable with guys complimenting them - or even the guy they’re in love with. I’ve always wondered that. Does that mean there’s a level of self-denial in those characters or is it just a cultural thing? Does it embarrass them?

In general, I think all of that has to do with their age, and another good example of that would be ZZX and JY’s reaction to HT messing with MGS (ch. 289 and 298):

I’ve seen people calling those moments homophobic as well and can’t really agree with them. I would say those reactions have more to do with teenage boys being awkward and embarrassed. HT putting the moves on MGS in front of them is embarrassing and something they don’t wish to see. I mean, I wouldn’t want to see my friends constantly acting like that around me either. Seeing public displays of affection embarrasses me and makes me awkward as hell. (Though, I don’t know if that’s just a Finnish thing...)

In short, I see a lot of how the boys act around each other just natural to how teenage boys are. They mess with each other and standing up for yourself in that sense (for example, getting revenge, being physical, or returning the verbal teasing) is important and typical. That’s how I see JY’s words in the example you mentioned: he felt like HT was messing with him and shot back. All of that could, of course, be seen as internalized toxic masculinity, but I don’t think it’s quite as blatant as people sometimes make it out to be. I’ve always taken it as boys just being boys and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

What comes to HT being pushy and overbearing, I don’t see that being connected to toxic masculinity and making him homophobic because of that. It feels a bit of a stretch and shakey. Instead, I actually think HT is quite comfortable with both of his own feelings for MGS and the idea of same-sex relationships in general (ch. 187):

The little heart-to-hearts JY and HT occasionally have also show us that despite often making fun of each other, they can take it more seriously when needed. JY would have never asked about having feelings for another male if he couldn’t trust HT wouldn’t make fun of him.

The case of Mo Guan Shan

You talked a lot about MGS, so I thought I’d take a closer look at his character separately. You made some interesting points I’ve also been thinking about and was glad they popped up in your ask.

Since we’ve talked about toxic masculinity so far, let’s continue on that. You mentioned that MGS is prone to homophobia because he’s had to act tough. Upholding a certain kind of image is essential in gangs. Being weak and submissive - aka gay, as I talked about above - isn’t an option in that line of work.

I agree with you on all of that. Why MGS is so uncomfortable with HT being physical with him is at least partly because he can’t come across as someone who can be taken advantage of (ch. 250):

If he can be physically overpowered and made vulnerable, it means he can be submitted. In the masculine world, physical strength seems to be the final and ultimate law that settles all the disputes at the latest. And if you lose in that you’re on the bottom or at least lower on the hierarchy. Now, multiply that mentality by a lot to fit it in the world of teenage gangs and the borderline criminal underworld. So, yes, I would most definitely say MGS doesn’t want himself to be put in that situation. Much less anyone finding out about it.

Then again, the story has kind of revisited that idea when HT “joined” MGS’s gang and his underlings started seeing HT around more. And they seem somewhere between intimidated by HT and impressed their boss has managed to make someone like HT call him “brother”. That fits the same mentality of strength, but I can’t honestly see Buzzcut or other members of the gang giving MGS a hard time even if they found out about HT’s affections. Chances are, they would be even more impressed, bless them.

Overall, I think MGS lashing out (or being homophobic) is mostly due to him not trusting HT and HT slowly but surely wearing him out and making him see his own prejudice against people like HT. Yelling out insults has been the easiest way to fight HT’s affections, although it’s not proven very successful. It’s also important to remember MGS is fairly inexperienced when it comes to love and romantic affection (ch. 222):

He’s always been rejected and discriminated by his peers and over the years, he’s started to mirror that behavior and push people away. Having crushes (let alone having a girlfriend) has never really been a concern for him. And it’s not like he’s had time for something like romance anyway because working has taken so much of his time. In this regard, MGS isn’t that mature or experienced and tends to get uncomfortable and lash out very quickly.

I’ve already talked about the note and what kind of role I think it will have (if it will be addressed at all). And I’m not really worried about MGS saying something homophobic to HT. I think we’re way past of him being like “I don’t speak to a homo” at this point already. He’s been aware of HT’s affections for a good while by now and even tentatively warmed up to some of it (for example, the aquarium date and the studs). (Even though, I think it’s still too early to talk about MGS being in love with HT.)

MGS has come a long way, and I might even say he’s gained some sexuality-related maturity on the way. Slowly but surely, he’s become comfortable with having HT around, and if after all this development he would say something like that, it would be a pretty big step backward. Of course, that doesn’t mean he can’t throw insults and lash out but let’s not forget we’re talking about a purebred tsundere here. That’s always going to happen with him.

And while we’re keeping it real, it’s not like HT would pay any mind to those insults. After MGS asked for the studs, I think HT’s resolve has only strengthened.

I hope this answer makes some sense, to me it feels like a bit of a mess of this and that. A lof of “I can’t deny that but still...” You really threw some hard questions and challenged my thinking a lot. Thank you!

[squidbatts]

your funny mouth to the clouds

Or: Fabian stresses, confesses, and gets some kisses in

((The last couple of Fantasy High episodes have been Buckwild but IN THIS HOUSE we ignore current canon happenings to write about fabian wanting to kiss ragh and then getting to kiss ragh!!! because i crave ragh/fabian content even if i have to Do Everything Myself))

{ao3}

Fabian Aramais Seacaster, son of Bill Seacaster, knows he’s hot; it’s kind of his whole thing, being a charming, roguish pirate, as dangerous as he is dashing. So, obviously, it makes complete sense that he and Gorgug would be Ragh’s dream makeout partners. They’re all hot athletes and they spend a decent amount of time together, he gets it.

It shouldn’t even be a thing.

Except that Fabian can’t stop thinking about it. When Ragh lances a demon through the eye and then turns to grin at Fabian, manic, muscles straining his letterman jacket, he thinks about it; when Fabian’s trying to teach the party literally anything about the sea and Ragh slides in right next to him, body a point of warmth on Fabian’s left side as he points at completely the wrong part of the map, he thinks about it; when Ragh tears off his shirt and leaps into the water with Fabian, throws a glistening and sea-wet arm over Fabian’s bare shoulders, tugs Fabian into his sculpted chest as he laughs-

The point is, Fabian keeps thinking about it.

Which is why he thinks he should be excused for asking Kristen for advice; she is, after all, their “token gay friend"; the rest of his close friends are straight, so she’s really the only one he can ask.

“Kristen,“ Fabian starts one afternoon when it’s just the two of them on the roof, “You know about gay stuff, right?“

Kristen lights up. “I don’t know if you know this-“

“I do, you say it all the time-“

“-but I’m gay!“ Kristen finishes like she doesn’t come out over breakfast every morning. “So yeah, I do.“

“Awesome, great, listen, I have a question. Have you ever- hm.“ Fabian cuts himself off with a hum as he attempts to word it correctly. He decides to try another route. “Do you think Ragh is attracted to me?“

“Oh, for sure,“ Kristen says and, even though he already knew that, Fabian chokes on air in surprise at her surety. “He’s really into the whole ’straight boy jock’ thing and, I’m a lesbian, but even I know that you’re objectively the hottest person in our party. You and Fig are the hot ones.“

“Obviously,“ Fabian replies, kneejerk.

“Yeah, so, duh. Why do you ask?“ Kristen asks, and Fabian-

Fabian falters because, obviously, he wants to get to the bottom of why he can’t just forget about Ragh’s proposition like Gorgug has, but the idea of talking about it, of telling Kristen makes his stomach twist. Something about it makes him feel weird, the same way he feels weird whenever he thinks about Ragh wanting to kiss him.

“He just said something and I-“ Fabian waves a hand dismissively. “Nevermind, it doesn’t matter.“

Kristen’s eyebrows furrow and she places a hand on Fabian’s arm, firm but still kind. “If you’re uncomfortable with a gay man simply being attracted to you, you’re the asshole here. But listen, Jawbone has some pamphlets about it and we can totally work this out-“

“I’m not uncomfortable, I just wanted to know if he had said anything to you,“ Fabian says, the words quick and awkward in his mouth. Maybe I am uncomfortable, He considers. Maybe the twisting how of his gut and the heating of his face are merely symptoms of his discomfort. He’s always been fine with Kristen and Tracker, he was fine with Ragh when he told them about Dane, but maybe he just thought he wasn’t homophobic until it directly affected him.

Kristen stares at him silently for a second, tilting her head as her eyebrows raise. “Huh. Never would’ve guessed that.“ She says, then, “Well, actually, I maybe would’ve because you’re like, supernaturally obsessed with your appearance, but stereotyping is bad and all that.“

“What are you talking about?“ Fabian snaps, irritated with her vagueness. He realizes that he should’ve just gone to Adaine for help, she reads books and knows about a great many things, not to mention that it certainly would’ve been less of a tax on his patience than dealing with Kristen at her… Kristen-est.

“I think… I think you should talk to Ragh,“ Kristen says, and then continues on quickly before Fabian can get the horrified Absolutely not out of his mouth. “No, listen, this is really something that would go best if you just, like, talked to Ragh about it, I think. And like, I rolled a seventeen on persuasion, so you kind of have to.”

Fabian, not blessed in wisdom, fails his saving throw and has to admit that Kristen’s point is pretty compelling. Still, “I don’t even know where Ragh is right now.”

Kristen gives him a look that clearly says We all live in the same vanboat, you have to know that he’s less than three minutes away. She leans away from Fabian and, still holding eye contact, yells into the van, "Hey, Ragh, Fabian wants to talk to you!"

"Kristen, no," Fabian hisses. Kristen just grins back at him.

"Kristen, yes!" She says, "You will so thank me for this."

Fabian is still cursing Kristen's name when Ragh climbs up to join them on the roof. He's wearing his normal jeans but has elected to leave his letterman jacket in the van. Probably a good idea, Fabian thinks, eyes involuntarily drawn to the sheen of sweat over Ragh's biceps as Ragh stretches before he sits. It's been hot all day, but Fabian would bet gold that it's gotten hotter in the past five minutes. He certainly feels rather feverish, suddenly.

"What's the problem, bro?" Ragh asks when he settles down. Kristen makes a face at him from behind Ragh's back and mouths Take my advice!!!! When he pretends not to notice and instead stares pointedly at the sea, she huffs loudly.

"Well, I'm going to go back into the van, I'm real tired," She says, obnoxiously obvious. Fabian makes a face back at her when Ragh turns towards her. "I'll, uh,see you guys later. Don't even worry about everyone else, I'll keep 'em down there."

Fabian tries to infuse enough That is absolutely not what I want! and Don't leave us alone! into a single glare to make her stay, but she just winks at him, like she's a bard or something, which of course makes Ragh turns back to Fabian, puzzled.

"What was all that about?"

"It's nothing, really," Fabian says, forcing lightness into his voice as he waves a hand, as though all this awkwardness could be as easily dispelled as Fig's cigarette smoke. "Kristen is just being dramatic."

Ragh frowns, his dark eyes are stormily serious. Fabian's heart skips a beat. "We're bros. And bros don't have to lie about their feelings, right?"

"... Right."

"Dude." Ragh says as he punches Fabian's arm, clearly about to get started on the Jawbone taught me emotional vulnerability and now I think everyone should do it spiel. Fabian's already heard it at least one time apiece from Kristen and Adaine, and he still thinks he's good on the emotions front, thank you very much. Still, his stomach flips even now with nerves, and he thinks of how Kristen thought that talking with Ragh would sort him out. As truly awful as he imagines it will be, he wonders if Kristen has a point, just this once.

"Alright, alright!" He concedes, "I suppose we can talk about my feelings."

"Awesome!" Ragh grins lopsidedly, shifting to sit lotus style, his full attention on Fabian. "Now, what's up?"

A feeling rises in Fabian's chest, like his ribcage is stuck in a vice, and he feels nearly sick with guilt. Here Ragh is, so kindly and sincerely devoting his attention to Fabian, and Fabian's body can't even relax enough to appreciate it.

"I think I owe you an apology," Fabian says, and before Ragh can respond, he rushes on with, "I think I might be homophobic, but I'm going to work on it and be a better friend for you and Kristen, and I'm very sorry."

Ragh's opens and closes his mouth wordlessly a few times, tusks catching on his upper lip. "I- what?"

Fabian sighs huffily and explains, how he's felt weird and off-kilter since Ragh's proposition and Kristen's offered explanation. Ragh listens thoughtfully, brow furrowed and a hand on his chin. He's still frowning as Fabian finishes his tale and Fabian fights the urge to fidget under the scrutiny.

"I don't think you're homophobic, dude," Ragh says, eventually. He sounds like he's choosing his words carefully, like he's walking on eggshells, and Fabian aches to think that he's made Ragh think that he has to do that.

"Of course I am, what else could it be?" Fabian asks, and Ragh screws up half of his face. "See! I made you uncomfortable with my- weirdness. I'm sorry."

"No, no, I'm not uncomfortable, I'm just trying to… Reconcile some things. Sort stuff out in the old noggin." Fabian tries not to look too doubtful but Ragh must've aced his insight check because he sighs and continues, "Listen, this has got to be weird for you too, I mean, obviously it is if you think you're a homophobe, but I think there's a pretty easy way to figure out what your discomfort means."

"And what would that be?" Fabian asks snipily, turning away. He doesn't like apologizing in the first place, much less when the other person won't just accept it.

"Feel free to say no, but I figured you could just try kissing me." Ragh says, and Fabian’s head whips back to him. Ragh lifts up his hands defensively. “Full disclosure, I think you’re super hot so I'm definitely getting something out of this, but if you can't stop thinking about it… It couldn't hurt, could it?"

Ragh shrugs as he lays his offer down and Fabian-

Fabian's heart pounds like he's in the middle of a Bloodrush play as heat pools in his face and his stomach. He hadn't ever considered actually kissing Ragh, but now that it's on the table, something deep within him twists with want.

"One kiss?" Fabian asks, trying to will away his blush, "I wouldn't be… Opposed."

"Uh-uh, none of that. I need a definite yes or no, bro," Ragh says, "I don't want to pressure you into this."

Fabian feels his flush flare hotter and squeezes his eyes shut. The deep buried part of him has rapidly expanded and spread throughout his body, leaving his fingers twitching towards Ragh and his lips tingling with anticipation. He can't imagine saying no, but to say yes also seems almost insurmountable. He opens his eyes, sees how softly Ragh smiles and the patience in his eyes, and it feels like someone's reached into Fabian's chest and twisted. Fabian nods, excessively, embarrassingly, then says, "Yes, yes, I'd like to try it-" before Ragh is upon him like the tide on a beach.

It's different from kissing Aelwyn; there's no bitter taste of alcohol or sticky-sweet lipgloss, no, Ragh's lips are chapped and he tastes of salt from days at sea, but it's still so much. Ragh cups Fabian's head, gentle, but presses his mouth insistently forward, easily leading Fabian through the sweeping movements of a makeout. Fabian's heartbeat still thuds in his ears, but he can also hear Ragh's slow and steady breaths, feel how he nips Fabian's lips and smiles against Fabian's mouth. When it's over, when Ragh pulls back and Fabian embarrassingly chases after him for half a second, Fabian is breathing like he's been near-drowned.

"Still think you're homophobic?" Ragh asks, teeth flashing in the ocean sunlight, lips slick from Fabian. Fabian burns brightly.

"I have," Fabian clears his throat awkwardly. "A few other theories now."

Ragh laughs, full and perfect, throwing his head back. Fabian looks at the vast muscled expanse of his neck, realizes that the twist of his gut just means that he wants to press a kiss to the juncture of Ragh's jawline and neck, and thinks, Huh.

"Well, that was super fun," Ragh says, clapping Fabian on the back, "Always down to help a fellow Owlbear with a sexuality crisis, dude, just let me know if you wanna do that again."

Ragh heads back into the vanboat, whistling cheerfully, and Fabian waits until he's absolutely out of sight to raise a shaking hand to his lips. He feels a smile giddily crawling over his face and he buries his face in his hands rather than risk someone seeing him like that. He wonders, in a corner of his mind that's not fully busy simply rejoicing over getting his kisses in, if having a boyfriend is much different than having a girlfriend.