#and playing up my beliefs for the sake of the argument

[aight-griffin]

There are many, many reasons that Godzilla: Minus One is better than other modern Godzilla movies like King of the Monsters or Godzilla vs. Kong, but the most fundamental piece, I think, is that Minus One is Japanese.

The Monsterverse movies, as I believe that franchise is called, are just so, so USAmerican. Those bitches are Uncle Sam, oil wars, capitalism driven, pure-bred USA in a bottle. The movies literally feature Kaiju fighting each other on goddamn aircraft carriers, the with this track record the next movie is going to have a red white and blue filter for the whole runtime. Mind you, being extremely American doesn’t necessarily make a bad movie, Top Gun: Maverick is straight-up navy propaganda and it’s incredible, but in the context of Godzilla, it means they just kinda don’t understand what the character is about, or any of the context behind him.

Godzilla, or Gojira, is, at least in his original conception, a trauma response for the Japanese nation. It came out about nine years after the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings, and was made both in response to those, and to USAmerican nuclear testing in the Pacific Ocean, which was causing radioactive and mutated fish to wash up on Japanese beaches. Ishirō Honda combined the principles of those incidents to create a radioactive, mutated monster that comes from the sea out of nowhere, a Japanese city, and leaves without a trace. Godzilla was created as a direct, and unsubtle, reaction to Japan’s collective trauma, without that context he’s, for lack of a better term, soulless.

. . . Which brings me to the Monsterverse movies, which remove Godzilla from that context almost completely. Warner Bros. seems to operate under the belief that Godzilla (and King Kong but that's a different conversation) is exclusively a kaiju, and all people want to see out of him is kaiju. He’s a big monster, and the only reason people would ever watch a movie with a big monster is to see them fight other big monsters and cause billions of dollars worth of property damage.

That's why Godzilla is the protagonist of those movies as well, when the movie is just ‘big kaiju fight’ and not ‘a representation of Japan’s collective nuclear trauma in the form of a kaiju’ of course the guy on the cover is going to win.

No wonder, then, that the Monsterverse movies are made by USAmericans. Especially in 2019(when Godzilla: King of the Monsters came out), we don't have the same collective trauma, and even if we know the character’s origin, it's treated as a fun fact, not a really important piece of the lizard’s characterization. USAmericans’ think of Godzilla almost exclusively as a big monster, we don't factor in the origin.

Godzilla: Minus One, to contrast, understands why Godzilla exists in the first place, it factors in the origin. Thus, in this movie, Godzilla isn’t a hero, or a fun thing to watch, he’s a nuke; an incomprehensible monster who comes out of nowhere, causes untold destruction, and leaves just as quickly as he appeared. It understands the horror inherent to the character and brings it to the forefront.

Objectively doesn’t exist in criticism, but Minus One is as close at it comes to objectively better than the Monsterverse movies. The latter are mostly cgi action nonsense, whereas the former is a masterpiece in almost every category, despite working with less than a tenth of the budget. There’s a massive amount of raw craft that went into making that movie as good as it is, and I discrediting that is my last intention.

Fundamentally though, and not to sound like a massive weeb, but at the core, Minus One is a good Godzilla movie because it is Japanese, while the Monsterverse has bad Godzilla movies because it is American. Those extremely different cultural paradigms around the character is what brought the Japanese studio to make a masterpiece, and the American studio to make hollow eye candy.

[breadvidence]

adaptation question: how good in bed is each version of javert? (inspired by the recent poll making the rounds)

As I mentioned on Discord: I intended to respond to the poll with an argument for Javert being good in bed & for the sake of comedy rather than sincere belief my plan was an emphatic yes (as much as I want to gnash my teeth over the need for nuance & could make an equally strong case for no & also want to write about how characters who canonically don't fuck have their own value both for aro-ace folks and as an escape from the way erotic-sexual-reproductive drive is treated as a central aspect of being human more generally). Er. So. Thank you for the opportunity to expand my silliness to multiple Javerts!

(As an aside, I will normally refer to a particular adaptation by the actor's name, but will not be doing that in the context of screwing, regardless of several of these actors being very dead.)

The Brick: Quel délice que cet étouffement! Brick Javert might die having lived a "life of privation, isolation, abnegation, chastity, with never a diversion", but what he lacks in experience with your standard use of the equipment, he makes up for in a fine understanding of the erotics of voyeurism, delayed satisfaction, and—of course—discipline. Further, you might catch some sass, but he'll hold still while you tie him up to make sure the ropework is just right when you're done, and after a lifetime of licking boots you can bet he's gonna work through that cramp in his jaw. 10/10, suggest any local DILFs needing a hobby fish him out of the river before he drowns and see whether that perfectionist need to put things in their place can be turned to more recreational ends than the horrific policing of society's unjust structure.

'25: As ever, '25 follows in the Brick's footsteps. It's clear from his self-satisfaction that this Javert is in the know on how closely fear and arousal come to each other. Despite being about as likely to have fucked in the conventional sense as his Brick counterpart, do we really think it matters? We could talk about how Javert's surveillance forces Valjean/Madeleine into an exhibitionistic display of Authority and Javert's desires related thereto, but I'll calm down some instead. 10/10 for accuracy to the original combined with that narrow chance he's got some experience under his belt.

'34: '34 predicts 2012. Less imposing, uncomfortable, he's probably not gonna strangle you, but—other possibilities open, with all that hyperfocus still on hand. Bonus! Great communication skills, will write you very plainly worded notes about what's up. 10/10 for negotiation skills.

'35: Wow, I sure did corner myself into imagining Laughton fucking. Admittedly, "regulations—good, bad, and indifferent—must be carried out to the letter" strikes me as one of the least sexy statements possible (both as an interpretation of Javert's character and in the erotic sense), but may I propose: that vibrating, dampness, and the established trait of Javert as a tease combine to—some kind of positive effect. Ragdoll physics have exciting potential. 9/10, one point removed for willingness to be indifferent.

'58: Is it bad? is it good? you don't remember. 10/10, what a fascinating and novel adventure of Men in Black style forgetfulness to have gone on.

'72: Does his partner feel like a specimen under the microscope? Maybe, but there's a certain magnetism at play. Any Javert's sexual prowess is most easily derived from his interactions with the Valjean he plays opposite, so '72's catastrophically bad depiction of M-sur-M rather curtails my assessment here, but this Javert's intensity and focus point towards intriguing possibilities. He is among the Javerts on this list who seem like they might have gone to bed with a person, an assessment I am making based purely on vibes. 10/10, close enough to canon Javert to hit the above-mentioned potential combined with an air of not being a virgin.

'78: The Javert on this list who has, without a doubt, absolutely fucked. The looks he gives Valjean alone qualify. Also the Javert who I will admit has a 0/10 bedability rating—if the partner in question is a woman. 10/10 in a homosexual context. The kind of man a dear friend of mine calls Little Lord Fauntleroys, this Javert approaches sex with a stiff dignity that might make the uninitiated worry about inhibitions and cold fish, but which actually indicates a deep store of freak-ass ideas and a willingness to, shall we say, experiment (if you can find anything he hasn't already tried).

'98: Built-in lube via hair grease. 10/10 for convenience.

2000: While I have not yet finished this adaptation, I can speak to the bedroom skills of this Javert through his time in M-sur-M. Methodical, attentive, tired but game to persist. 2000 Javert would admittedly rather be napping, but even when faced with an indifferent partner he maintains the pitch of bizarre intensity that is at the root of a Javert's erotic potential. 9/10, point docked for the regrettable impact of fatigue (maybe he should get his vitamin D levels checked?).

2007: He's got anime physics. 10/10

2012: Who'm I to argue against fandom? Crowevert fucks well. Is it despite being a virgin? Is it because he's a virgin? Virginity definitely plays a role of some kind, and Victor Hugo would approve. In stark contrast to other iterations of the character, Crowevert's need to submit himself to a greater authority is expressed as a soft-edged vulnerability rather than rabid intensity, and the resulting sweetness almost makes me blush. Let's draw the curtains and let them be. 10/10, all details can be found in 90% of the AO3 Javert/Jean Valjean tag.

2018: This Javert almost certainly fucked, and if we may draw on what's been communicated by the creator outside the show itself, it was unsatisfactory, the skill all on the part of the professional he paid for the service. Who'm I to argue with that? 1/10, one point added for the transformative work detailing his erotic potential.

[pinkeoni]

The Big AIDS Metaphor Post

In her essay "Why Are Americans Afraid of Dragons?" from her book The Language of the Night: Essays of Fantasy and Science Fiction, science-fiction and fantasy writer Ursula K. Le Guin writes—

"The use of imaginative fiction is to deepen your understanding of your world, of your fellow men, and your own feelings, and your destiny."

It would be easy for me to claim that Stranger Things is a show that utilizes its science-fiction elements as an AIDS metaphor, but that only goes so far without being able to prove that the show is in fact employing said metaphor. "The show takes place in the 80's -> AIDS was a big part of the 80's -> therefore the show is about AIDS" isn't an airtight argument in itself. I can quote famous sci-fi writers all day but that still wouldn't prove that the Duffers themselves are actually following similar trains of thought.

So here's my big long post about why the show is utilizing it's science-fiction elements as an AIDS metaphor.

Lengthy discussion of rape, violent homophobia and drug use below the cut.

A Brief History of HIV/AIDS in America

For those not in the know about HIV/AIDS, and in order to all get on the same page, here is a short recap. For my information, I will be this timeline from hiv.gov as well as this timeline created by History Channel, as well as some of the supplemental hyperlinks provided. Any other sources I use will be linked throughout.

HIV, or human immunodeficiency virus is a virus that attacks the body's immune system, making it highly susceptible to infection and cancers. The virus can progress to a more severe version of the infection, acquired immunodeficiency syndrome or AIDS. The virus spreads through bodily fluids such as semen and blood. The most common ways for HIV/AIDS to spread was through unprotected sex and sharing needles while using drugs.

The initial cases of HIV were present in America in the 70's but become much more rampant starting in the early 1980s. Because cases of AIDS were most commonly seen in gay and bisexual men, there was a large misconception that AIDS was a "gay plague" or a "gay disease" as it was nicknamed. By 1984, 3,500 Americans had died from AIDS related illnesses.

The reason that AIDS epidemic got as deadly as it did is often attributed to the Reagan Administration's failure to act, something that President Reagan denied. Reagan would not publicly acknowledge AIDS until 1985, despite U.S. health officials being aware of AIDS since 1981.

Understanding just how entrenched this metaphor is in the story will include going through each season and examining in detail how each one plays into this metaphor.

Season One: Establishing Metaphor & Government Cover Up in Early Years of Epidemic

The AIDS metaphor is most closely connected with Will's storyline, although it's not exclusive to Will nor is his storyline exclusive to AIDS. Furthermore, the supernatural elements of this show are multifaceted. AIDS is but just one of the metaphors expressed in the show, but for the sake of this post it's what I will be focusing on.

The setup begins following Will's disappearance in episode 1, when Joyce introduces Will's queer coding to us.

By 1983 the terms "gay disease" and "gay cancer" had been in the public vocabulary for a couple years now. So when Joyce brings up his queerness in regards to to his disappearance in a show that takes place in the early 1980s, there is a subconscious correlation that can be made in the watchers mind. His sexuality is significant to the why he went missing, otherwise why bring it up?

We then hear through Troy exactly what the town believes happened to Will.

I think that Troy essentially being a mouthpiece for his father is significant to show that Troy's beliefs are not exclusive to him and they do not exist in a vacuum. Troy's homophobia is a product of his environment, which includes his home and by extension, Hawkins.

The specification that Will was killed by "some other queer" adds another layer under the surface of Troy's statement, one that implies that Will was raped before he was kill, otherwise, again, why bring up sexuality in the first place? This was the attitude toward gay men— they rape and kill little boys.

In early 1984, there was a study conducted by the American Journal of Medicine to trace the sexual partners of a cluster of patients with Kaposi Sarcoma, one of the common cancers that killed AIDS patients. The study identified a flight attendant as "Patient O" who was among the first to exhibit symptoms of HIV/AIDS and had a rather active sex life with a multitude of sexual partners. The study was soon misconstrued by the public to claim that there was a Patient Zero who was "a promiscuous or even malicious gay man who single-handedly and knowingly touched off the AIDS pandemic in the United States."

Another crucial factor of the metaphor is the cover-up and blame shifting from the government lab, the exact thing that allowed the problem to escalate and become as deadly as it did to begin with. In the early years of the epidemic, Reagan slashed the budget of public health agencies like the CDC, and it would be years until he ever made a speech about it let alone even mentioned AIDS publicly.

We see how adamant the lab is to cover up any supernatural involvement with Will's disappearance in an attempt to cover their own asses. Framing his death as an accident was their call, all while being acutely aware of what the actual problem was. This confrontation from Joyce to Brenner puts it pretty aptly.

Tangent About Barb

This AIDS metaphor is something that I thought of when I first watched the show back in 2016 (humble brag) but what tipped me off the most wasn't Will or the lab but it was the fact that Barb was the other victim shown.

Barb's queer coding was clear to everyone and their mother. Hell, there's even a joke about it in the Bad Lip Reading of the first season. Barb, Nancy's short haired female friend who takes issue with Nancy's new relationship and has a hard time fitting in with with all of the heterosexual antics of Steve's house party. She's singled out, and while the rest of the gang get to casually enjoy the pleasures of sex, while Barb, another member of the queer community, sadly loses her life. The show cuts between Nancy having sex with Steve with Barb being killed to emphasize this stark contrast.

Season Two: Personal Effects of HIV/AIDS & Social Stigmatization

Season one was surrounding Will while not really showing us much of his pov, but season two dives right in to his perspective.

So, remember when I talked earlier about how Troy, and by extension the town, believed that Will was raped? Well, he wasn't exactly wrong.

This moment wasn't lost on me when I originally watched the show, although I think I ignored the implications because I didn't want to believe what I was seeing. But it's pretty well spelled out— A long, tentacle-like organ used for the sake of reproduction (Will "births" D'Art as a result of this), is inserted inside of Will's mouth without consent.

It's been a year, and Will is still dealing with the trauma of what happened, along with all of these new changes to his life. Will frequently attends doctors appointments at the lab, where the lab themselves aren't completely confident what is happening with him either.

When cases of HIV/AIDS were first appearing in the U.S., health officials were unclear as to what exactly this virus was and how it worked, only that clusters of otherwise healthy gay men were suddenly developing rare and aggressive infections and cancers.

Owens refers to the spread of the Upside Down very clinically— describing it as some cancer. One of the first articles published about HIV/AIDS in America before more information was known was a New York Times article titled "Rare Cancer Seen in 41 Homosexuals." The cancer the headline refers to being Karposi Sarcoma, the rare skin cancer developing due to their weakened immune system.

HIV/AIDS in itself isn’t the disease that patients die from, but instead the weakened immune system allows for diseases to take over the body without much defense. After his visit to the Upside Down, Will faces a series of “True Sight” visions as Mike puts it, which allows for a destructive foreign entity to invade Will's body and slowly take it over.

HIV.gov lists the following as some of the symptoms of AIDS:

"Rapid weight loss"

"Profuse night sweats"

and "Memory loss"

To the government agents in the lab, we see just how disposable Will is to them. In their words, if it kills him, it kills him. (thank you to @emblazons for being the one to point this out to me)

Owens may have held more concern for Will, but he still continues the government cover-up started by Brenner in season one. We also see the fallout of Barb's death, with Nancy and Jonathan fighting to uncover and reveal the truth. Owens is the one who tries to put a stop to their exposé of events to Barb's mom.

Not only is Will facing trauma and his body being ravaged by this new illness, but he's also facing social stigmatization, something common among gay men with positive HIV statuses at this time. There seemed to be some sympathy from the townsfolk when Will was missing and presumed dead, yet he faces animosity almost seemingly because he came back.

The "Zombie Boy" Nickname

I once made a whole separate post about this, but Will's "Zombie Boy" nickname from season two fits in with this AIDS metaphor.

On a surface level, the nickname is in reference to the fact that Will seemed to come back to life despite having a funeral and being buried. In a literal sense, however, his peers are quite literally referring to him a walking corpse that spreads disease. Individuals suffering from AIDS often have very short life expectancies, and zombies are the re-animated dead that aim to infect and kill as many people as possible. It is a very coded nickname.

In the post that I linked, I speculate the possibility that some people in town may even believe that Will has HIV. Remember earlier when I mentioned Troy's comment "he was probably killed by some other queer" which implies a belief that Will was raped. The town don't know about any of the supernatural goings-on, but they do know that Will went missing, was found in a cabin a week later, was hospitalized shortly after and attended frequent doctor visits through the following year. I don't see a reason that malicious rumors would cease, especially considering that they already continue to be cruel and ostracizing with the Zombie Boy nickname.

Look also at this moment of Will getting weird looks as he is being pulled from school to attend his doctors appointment. Why so much stigma around simply going to the doctor?

The 1984 Reelection of Ronald Reagan

In 1984, Ronald Reagan won reelection in one of the biggest election wins in history. And— subsequently continuing his and the governments silence towards the AIDS epidemic.

Season two takes place in the week leading up to the reelection. There are small set pieces that draw attention to this, such as this election sign in front of the library.

If the date November 6th sounds familiar, it should.

Dr. Owens mentions the anniversary of Will's disappearance. The one year anniversary of Will's disappearance is the same day that Ronald Reagan was reelected. Will's trauma is being purposefully associated with that day.

I've also made a separate post before just about the Reagan/Bush '84 signs that litter the lawns of Hawkins houses. They appear most notably in the Halloween episode, building to when Will has his true sight episode that night. There is one clearly in frame just before Will is separated from the group, called a "Zombie Boy" and a "freak" (two very coded nicknames) before he falls into his vision.

We also get a clear view of the Reagan/Bush sign outside of the Wheeler house before Will describes his experience to Mike.

A Tangent About the Wheelers

And now the question on everyone's mind: Are the Wheeler's homophobic?

Ted and Karen Wheeler are not violent, homophobic bullies. That would be a massive reach. But it would also be a reach to say that they are vocal allies. And maybe that's just what the average middle class family

In the very least, the Wheelers are passively contributing to a system that enables homophobia. To be honest, they are probably just going along with what everyone else is doing. Like I said earlier, Reagan was an incredibly popular candidate for the 1984 reelection. The Wheelers have the privilege of being able to comfortably conform without having to worry about much of the consequences. (I'll talk more about the Wheelers later)

In the episode where Will is possessed by the Mind Flayer, Joyce calls the school and we get an extended shot with Reagan's portrait in the background. The shot begins with the portrait slightly obscured, then the camera dolly's in towards the receptionist with the portrait still in frame. Shortly after this Will is possessed in the field. Here is one of the camera begins the shot and where the camera ends the shot.

I also wanna note that when Joyce calls in this scene, the receptionist makes a side comment about her and rolls her eyes. There's a clear animosity towards not only Will, but the whole Byers family, including the adults of the town. Including Reagan's portrait in this shot is meant to create a subtle correlation between him and the stigma that the Byers' face.

Season Three: The Façade of Patriotism Over a Dying Nation

It's 1985, Ronald Reagan has been reelected, and this season introduces Hawkins Mayor Larry Kline.

Is Larry Kline meant to be Ronald Reagan?

I would say that Mayor Kline is probably exemplary of American politicians in a broader sense (in fact the Duffers may have been making allusions to Trump with his connection to the Russians) although the fact that he's in office the same time as Reagan is still significant.

In the beginning of the season, Mayor Kline is being met with protesters outside his house, not unlike many of the AIDS awareness protests from the 80's.

The townsfolk are angered with Kline for building the mall and running some of the small businesses into the ground. During Reagan's run, he implemented a system of economics called "Reaganomics," which aimed to cut taxes and support economic growth. Although critics of Reaganomics will point out that his policies had actually increased the wealth gap, making the rich richer and the poor, poor. I want to keep this post about the AIDS metaphor, although I wanted to point this out as it is a connection between Kline and Reagan. And as I said earlier in this post, the metaphors are multifaceted and not just about AIDS.

But continuing, later in the season Kline puts on a big 4th of July festival to celebrate the independence of his country with neon lights and flashy fireworks. Meanwhile, the people of his town are dying right under his political reign.

During season 3, the AIDS metaphor actually moves away from Will, with the focus of his story shifting slowly to romance. This was setup at the Snowball at the end of season 2, and season 3 hints at some of Will's feelings for Mike which will be carried into season 4.

But the metaphor is carried on by Will's name twin, Billy.

Billy and Will sharing the same first name, that being William, feels significant as Will basically passes the baton to him and Billy now becomes the focus for this metaphor. We learn from Max that Billy is very sexually active, and in the beginning of the season he has eyes for Karen Wheeler. It is while he is on his way to this illicit sexual affair when he is "infected" by the Mind Flayer. (this was pointed out to me in the comment of one of my posts, but have since lost it. If you are reading this— thank you.)

Billy then passes the "infection" along to a girl he was flirtatious with, before the "virus" begins spreading over town.

There is also language and rape imagery associated with being flayed. There is the repeated lines "hold still" and "it'll all be over soon." When Heather's parents are flayed, they are tied up something is forcefully inserted orally, not unlike what we saw with the tentacle inside of Will in season one and his possession in season two. (I first saw this pointed out by @kaypeace21

The flayed begin to eat chemicals, and Nancy makes the comment that Tom, one of the flayed, appears to have been on drugs. Another common way that HIV is spread is through the sharing of drug needles.

HIV/AIDS in the Press

Nancy's arc with the newspaper this season reminds me a lot of how AIDS was first being reported in the press. Nancy begins her search for a story with stolen fertilizer and diseased rats, not realizing that there was a much bigger and much more dangerous story at hand. One of the first reports HIV in the media was from a CDC Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report from 1981, which cited five cases of pneumonia in previously healthy gay men in Los Angeles. While still a deadly number, it was relatively small compared to the massive number of AIDS cases and deaths that would soon follow.

When Nancy brings her story to work, Bruce, one of her higher-ups, sips from this rather patriotic coffee mug before telling Nancy to drop the story.

At the end of the 1985 summer in Hawkins, the flayed have died in a "mall fire" and Larry Kline is arrested for colluding with the Russians, and their patriotic façade is shattered.

In September 1985, shortly after actor and close friend of Ronald Reagan, Rock Hudson dies, of an AIDS related illness, Reagan makes his first public acknowledgement of AIDS.

Season Four: Further Stigmatization & LGBT Witch Hunting

In season four the town is finally privy to the fact that there is something wrong going on, although they are unsure of exactly what. When things begin to escalate, instead of blaming the actual guilty party, they go on an all-out witch hunt.

Once again, Will's pretty removed from the AIDS storyline in this season with his arc focusing on his romantic feelings for Mike. With Billy dead and Will out of town, the baton passes once again for the metaphor to be carried by Eddie Munson.

In the first episode of season 4, Eddie is reading a magazine with an article about the Satanic Panic, a real case of wide-spread hysteria in the 1980's regarding the fear of rising Satanism, supposedly promoted by D&D. The article links the game to violent behavior, Satanic worship, sodomy and murder.

Tangent on Sodomy and Sodomy Laws

Merriam-Webster defines sodomy as "anal or oral copulation with another person." The definition is often expanded to include copulation with animals, although the term sodomy, according to Merriam-Webster, means "especially: anal or oral copulation with a member of the same sex."

While definitions may vary depending on states, some states have specific laws outlawing sodomy, even between consenting adults. In 1986, the Supreme Court upheld Georgia's anti-sodomy laws in Bowers v. Hardwick, after a homosexual man and his partner were arrested after being caught while having sex in his own home. Sodomy laws would eventually be challenged again in 2002 with the Lawrence v. Texas case.

While sodomy can technically can refer to both homosexual and heterosexuals, it is especially and historically has been used in regards to homosexual sex. When Eddie reads the word sodomy here, gay sex is being lumped in and made equivalent to violent behavior, Satanic worship, and murder. Quite literally in season four, Hellfire Club is seen as the evil Satanic sodomizers who bring death to their town.

While trying to find a substitute for the D&D game, one of kids Mike asks mentions 60 Minutes in his rebuttal of Mike's request. This episode takes place on March 21st, 1986. On March 16th, 1986, 60 Minutes played a segment called "Life and Death in San Fransisco," a segment about the AIDS virus on CBS. (EDIT: I originally attributed this to the wrong person, but thank you to @aemiron-main for being the one to point this out. Apologies for my memory mixing up my ST analysts in my head 😔) The archived footage can be viewed on YouTube.

When Chrissy is killed by Vecna inside of Eddie's trailer, leading the town to suspect that Eddie was the killer, she was going there to do drugs. Again, a common way for AIDS to be spread was through the sharing of drug needles. After the town and cops suspect Eddie, the town goes on an all-out witch hunt for him and other members of Hellfire, invoking Christianity as their reasoning. In Eddie's words— "Hunt the freak, right?"

Does this mean that Eddie is queer?

The black handkerchief in his back pocket and Joseph Quinn's flirtatious ad-libs with Steve are not completely lost on me. And the AIDS coding here does seem to be pointing in that direction, but here's what I think.

Eddie's actual sexual orientation, and by extension that of Hellfire, is beside the point and doesn't actually matter in the eyes of the town. Every member of Hellfire could be straight and every member of Hellfire could be gay, but what matters is that Hellfire Club is a group of outsiders that participate in recreational activity that is deemed dangerous, and that in itself is queer, regardless of who they may actually be attracted to.

Another Tangent on The Wheelers

During Jason's religious spiel in town hall which invoked the witch hunt against Eddie and Hellfire, we get this shot of Ted and Karen Wheeler upon remembering that Mike is a part of Hellfire. And boy do they look terrified.

This moment, right here, is what I believe to be the Wheeler rug pull. They may not have been signing up to witch hunt their son when they put that Reagan sign in their front lawn, but this is what it leads to. They're being confronted with the most extreme end of their forced conformity and they fear what they see. I think part of what causes this change in character is because they know Mike, had Mike not been a Hellfire member, who is to say if they would have changed their tune or join in the witch hunt. At the end of the season, when the news reports that the giant gate in town is a "doorway to Hell," both Ted and Karen scoff at the report, calling it "hysteria." The conformists are beginning to un-conform.

Concluding Thoughts & Season Five

Providing a story about HIV/AIDS through a science-fiction metaphor is both practical and ethical. The metaphor allows the show to tell the story to a wide audience without the reliance on outside knowledge. You don't have to be an expert in HIV/AIDS history to understand the story that it's trying to tell. It's ethical as well in that it doesn't force it's incredibly young actors to have to act out being raped and developing HIV/AIDS.

With Eddie Munson dead and Zombie Boy back in town, I think that the AIDS metaphor will shift it's focus back to Will. I think we may see a colliding of the AIDS plot with his romance plot. How do you pursue romance with a HIV+ status? Can you?

The way I see, season 5 has the choice to go in one of two directions:

But first, a short tangent about my uncle

In recent years, I came to learn that my uncle was HIV+, something that wasn't known to me when I was younger. Him and his partner are both in their sixties, and they currently bought a plot of land in which they plan on building their dream house together.

But anyways, the two choices are this:

Will dies by the end of the season. He becomes one of the many gay men with HIV/AIDS who lived a short life, unable to grow into adulthood and pursue his love life. His story is a tragedy.

Will lives. He becomes one of the many gay men with HIV/AIDS who survived and is able to live a long and happy life full of love. His story is an uplifting one full of hope.

Tagging: @emblazons @italiantv @gaysmindpalace @ven0moir @punkwillbyers @mikesbasementbeets @quinterobb @drangues @basiltonpitch @howtobecomeadragon

[canmom]

more on art production ~under capitalism~

reading Who Owns This Sentence?, a very engaging and fiercely critical history of the concept of copyright, and it's pretty fire. there's all sorts of fascinating intricacies in the way the notion of IP formed around the world (albeit so far the narrative has mainly focused on Europe, and to a limited extent China), and the different ideologies that justified the types of monopolies that it granted. the last chapter i read skewers the idea that the ability to exploit copyright and patents is what motivates the writing of books and research/invention, and I'll try and pull out the shape of the argument tomorrow. so far I'm only up to the 18th century; I'm looking forward to the rest of their story of how copyright grew from the limited forms of that period into the monster it is today.

it's on libgen if you wanna read it! i feel like the authors would be hypocrites to object :p

it is making me think about the differences between the making of books and other media, from (since this has been rattling around my head lately) an economic angle...

writing books, at least in the case of fiction is usually done on a prospective, spec-work kind of basis (you write your novel with no guarantee it will get published unless you're already an established author under contract). admittedly, a lot of us probably read books by authors who managed to 'make it' as professional authors and write full time - but this is not a lucrative thing to do and to make it work you need truly exceptional luck to get a major hit, or to be extremely prolific in things people want to read.

the films and games of the types most of us play are, by contrast, generally made by teams of salaried people - and thus do rarely get made without the belief it will be profitable. if you went on about your 'monetisation model' when writing a book, people would look at you funny and rightly so, but it's one of the first questions that gets asked when pitching a game.

open source software is a notable comparison here. a lot of it is done for its own sake without any expectation of profit, taking untold hours, but large free software projects tend to sprout foundations, which take donations (typically from companies that use the software) to pay for full time developers. mozilla, notably, gets a huge part of its funding from google paying for their search engine to be the default in Firefox; this in turn drives development of not just Firefox itself but also the Rust programming language (as discussed in this very enlightening talk by Evan Czaplicki). Blender is rightly celebrated as one of the best open source projects for its incredibly fast development, but they do have an office in amsterdam and a number of full time devs.

what money buys in regards to creative works is not motivation, but time - time to work on a project, iterate and polish and all that. in societies where you have to buy food etc. to survive, your options for existence are basically:

work at a job

own capital

rely on someone else (e.g. a parent or partner)

rely on state benefits if you can get them

beg

steal

if you're working at a job, this takes up a lot of your time and energy. you can definitely make art anyway, loads of people do, but you're much more limited in how you can work at it compared to someone who doesn't have to work another job.

so again, what money buys in art is the means of subsistence for someone, freeing them to work fully on realising a project.

where does the money come from that lets people work full time on art? a few places.

one is selling copies of the work itself. what's remarkable is that, when nearly everything can be pirated without a great deal of effort, it is still possible to do this to some degree - though in many ways the ease of digital copying (or at least the fear if it) has forced new models for purely digital creations, which either trade on convenience (streaming services) or in the case of games, find some way to enforce scarcity like requiring connection to a central server and including 'in-app purchases', where you pay to have the software display that you are the nebulous owner of an imaginary thing, and display this to other players. anyway, whichever exact model, the idea is that you turn the IP into capital which you then use to manufacture a product like 'legal copies', 'subscriptions' or 'accounts with a rare skin unlocked'.

the second is using the work to promote some other, more profitable thing - merchandising, an original work, etc. this is the main way that something like anime makes money (for the production committee, if not the studio) - the anime is, economics-wise, effectively an ad for its own source manga, figurines, shirts etc. the reason why there is so much pro media chasing the tastes of otaku is partly because otaku spend a lot on merch. (though it's also because the doujin scene kind of feeds into 'pro' production)

the third is some kind of patronage relationship, notably government grants, but also academic funding bodies, or selling commissions, or subscriptions on a streaming platform/patreon etc.

grants are how most European animated films are funded, and they often open with the logos of a huge list of arts organisations in different countries. the more places you can get involved, the more funds you can pull on. now, instead of working out how to sell your creation to customers who might buy a copy, under this model you need to convince funding bodies that it fits their remit. requesting grants involves its own specialised language.

in general the issue with the audience patronage model is that it only really pays enough to live on if you're working on a pretty huge scale. a minority make a fortune; the vast majority get a pittance at most, and if they do 'make it', it takes years of persistence.

the fourth is, for physical media, to sell an original. this only works if you can accumulate enough prestige, and the idea is to operate on extreme scarcity. the brief fad of NFTs attempted to abstract the idea of 'owning' an original from the legal right to control the physical object to something completely nebulous. in practice this largely ended up just being a speculative bubble - but then again, a lot of the reason fine art is bought and sold for such eye watering sums is pretty much the same, it's an arbitrary holder of an investment.

the fifth is artworks which are kind of intrinsically scarce, like live performances. you can only fit so many people in the house. and in many cases people will pay to see something that can be copied in unique circumstances, like seeing a film at a cinema or festival - though this is a special case of selling copies.

the sixth is to sell advertising: turn your audience into the product, and your artwork into the bait on the hook.

the alternative to all of these options is unpaid volunteer work, like a collab project. the participants are limited to the time and energy they have left after taking care of survival. this can still lead to great things, but it tends to be more unstable by its nature. so many of these projects will lose steam or participants will flake and they'll not get finished - and that's fine! still, huge huge amounts of things already get created on this kind of hobby/indie/doujin basis, generally (tho not always) with no expectation of making enough money to sustain someone.

in every single one of these cases, the economic forces shape the types of artwork that will get made. different media are more or less demanding of labour, and that in turn shapes what types of projects are viable.

books can be written solo, and usually are - collaborations are not the norm there. the same goes for illustrations. on the other hand, if you want to make a hefty CRPG or an action game or a feature length movie, and you're trying to fit that project around your day job... i won't say it's impossible, I can think of some exceptional examples, but it won't be easy, and for many people it just won't be possible.

so, that's a survey of possibilities under the current regime. how vital is copyright really to this whole affair?

one thing that is strange to me is that there aren't a lot of open source games. there are some - i have memories of seeing Tux Racer, but a more recent example would be Barotrauma (which is open source but not free, and does not take contributions from outside the company). could it work? could you pay the salaries of, say, 10 devs on a 'pay what you can' model?

it feels like the only solution to all of this in the long run is some kind of UBI type of thing - that or a very generous art grants regime. if people were free to work on what they wanted and didn't need to be paid, you wouldn't have any reason for copyright. the creations could be publicly archived. but then the question i have is, what types of artwork would thrive in that kind of ecosystem?

I've barely talked about the book that inspired this, but i think it was worth the trouble to get the contours of this kind of analysis down outside my head...

[the-mercurial-star-o-vesper]

Going on from Trinimac (He's my favorite god of the Elder Scrolls), the way his story goes is interesting.

So.

In story, we know he gets "consumed" by Boethiah and Boethiah takes his form, and talks to people about Truths, and afterwards, Trinimac is diminished into Malacath and Boethiah goes on to lead the Dunmer.

This? This is interesting for several reasons.

( Now for the sake of me not doing a bunch of research, pulling sources, and trying to parse the esoteric deep lore of TES and the manic writings of Kirkbride, I'm sticking with Morrowind's in-game books, such as "The Changed Ones" and "Variaties of Faith". I'll prolly get to more esoteric stuff at a later post? When the thought hits me. )

They know that its Boethiah Talking and not Trinimac.

Trinimac Worship is not picked up again after this, even though he was the strongest and more favored god.

There has been no attempt to turn Malacath back into Trinimac. As impossible as this sounds, I need to point out the power of belief in the Elder Scrolls and the idea of objects and rituals. If you can Break Akatosh, Time itself, you can reverse what happened to Trinimac (who was changed by considerably less strenuous means). If you can mantle the Dead God Lorkhan (Talos), then you can revive the God Knight. ... Nobody has done this, however.

Orismer are then paraih'd from the Aldmer / Altmer, with no attempts to reunite, renegotiate, or anything--just an immediate marking them as no better than Ogres and Goblins. Worse still, if you read "Pig Children", it seems that a lot of the sentience on Tamerial don't like orcs.

Trinimac's story, by his own former people, the Old / High Elves, is reduced to propoganda made against Dunmer worship. And this, is coming from the same peoples who want to return to pre-dawn and despise Lorkhan. You'd think that they'd keep Trinimac worship for that reason, if nothing else.

Boethiah is the deceiver of nations, they're one of the worst daedra to run into given their ruthless bloodthirsty nature, and they're attached to conspiracy and deceit.

... So if they knew it was Boethiah, why listen? Why trust it?

Especially if you know that this Daedric Prince, anathema of Auri-el and Aedra, is prancing around in your most favorite of gods? I'm pretty certain playing puppet with someone else's body is a violation worthy of raising alarm.

There's only one reasonable answer:

It wasn't Boethiah.

Something to note about the Aedra of the Elder Scrolls. They're bound to interpretation. The closest we're gonna get to pre-dawn et'Ada (What everyone was before the creation of Mundus and Nirn, so Before the "dawn") are certain Daedra.

To take example.

Kyne of the Nords, and Kynareth of the Imperials, are of the same "Oversoul" or rather, the same Aedra, but are not the same God. In fact, Kynareth was created / born from Cyrodiilic interpretations of Kyne. Kyne and Kynareth are fully capable of meeting each other as unique individuals, inspite technically being the same person, and potentially, even being against one another.

( Find any Auri-el vs Akatosh argument. Auriel doesn't like Nirn or mortality or probably humans, but Akatosh likes the place and doesn't like anyone fucking with it or the mortals. )

Collective belief will create Gods, provided there's an Aedra niche for them to come from.

( Probably the price of sacrificing bits of yourself to create things, plays into now only having power if someone can perceive you. )

( It also kinda brings in the idea that a Daedra can, in fact, become an Aedra if they are willing to sacrifice parts of themselves to expand the Mundus. Gotta remember that most of them are all Et'Ada, they are fully capable of performing those feats. Daedra and Aedra are just outdated perspectives by Aldmer. )

Anyway.

Why isn't it Boethiah.

Because, following how Aedra work? Boethiah was the Velothi Aspect of Trinimac. But because they were Aldmer undergoing a schism, it wasn't so cleanly defined as Kyne and Kynareth or Stuhn and Stendarr.

The God tore himself, under the schism of multiple interpretations.

And because each interpretation was, in of itself, a live God, and because most of those interpretations didn't fit with the greater popularity...

... Suddenly, your most Favorite God pops up into his Temple and talks about how He was Wrong. Speaks about what the Mundus is really meant to be, and how to work it.

And with that? Because that's a God talking, that's THE God talking, things he says must be true...

That's when you get the massive underlying cultural shift.

Trinimac is branded an oathbreaker, a liar, a hypocrite, and against his own aspect, by the very Aldmeri populace, and the result is that the gods schisms so badly that it divorces itself from the Mundus, and falls to pieces.

Those who still believed in him after this, were changed to Orcs, and were branded just as pariah as their god. And that's how you got Malacath, the only surviving piece and not even that good of one.

Those who believed his new truth, that part walked away as Boethiah, and lead Veloth, and the newly changed Chimer. And in fact, that's where the idea that Boethiah wore him came from, because that was the aspect that survived to keep speaking the new truths.

( There are other surviving fragments, but I'll get into them at a later time. Trinimac didn't completely succeeded in killing his Men-Counterpart )

And though Trinimac is still acknowledged as champion of Auriel, there are no more new worshipers. The truths he spoke were too terrible to return to his old worship. Because why worship what you know are lies?

Of course, as time rode on, Malacath and Boethiah were further and further estranged from their old roots. Boethiah doesn't lead peoples anymore, and Malacath sticks to his strongholds over reigning vengence against people (let alone the Altmer or Dunmer).

But its funny how a certain point of view can make the difference.

ADDENDUM:

And what of Veloth? Well, a dude can't just randomly get visions out of the ether and decide to leave home to go into the wilderness for no reason. Visions, here, are granted by gods.

This schism, it started somewhere. While it ended in the fragmentation of a god...

... It might just have been started by that very god.

There is no greater lie than the lies we tell ourselves, when we know we've done something horrible, to ourselves and to others.

That perhaps, under orders and belief, in a times of war and betrayal, a knight-general over armies killed the shieldbrother of the enemy king, and then tore the heart from that king.

[ down in front of his army and reached in with more than hands to take his Heart ]

Perhaps it was ordered by another king. Perhaps it was justice for lives now forever lost in creation as earth bones. Perhaps it was simply because so he could prove he Could.

[ As their aspects began to die off, many of the et'Ada vanished completely ]

[ shook his head at this, for he was akin to Tsun and did not care much for logic-talk as much as he did only for his own standing ]

And then he was left behind by the new king.

In such grief, its easy to ask... Why. He did everything right. He got Justice, he proved He could. He did everything right, so why?

[ Everything is spoiled, for now, and for all time, and the most we can do is teach the Elven Races to suffer nobly, with dignity, and chastise ourselves for our folly, and avenge ourselves upon Shezarr and his allies ]

Gods aren't meant to feel grief. Perhaps he went a-searching.

Perhaps he consorted with Daedra. Found the xarxes, and read direction. Looked upon Dawn and Dusk, and found beauty. Found the Web, saw the secrets.

( After all, it was murder, wasn't it? When you cut out the heart of a god and kill him perma-dead, leaving only his ghost, that is murder. That is consorting with Mephala. )

[ Know that battle is a blessing. Know that death is an eventuality. Know that you are dust in the eyes of-- ]

Found the Cycle, and he was apart of it. Revenge is always a Cycle. And when your first remembered act is murder, Death becomes your domain.

[ I am alive because that one is dead. I exist because I have the will to do so. And I shall remain as long as there are signs of my handwork, such as the blood dripping from this blade. ]

Perhaps he found himself, in the man he killed to find the now dead king. For after all, if death was his domain, surely he would know where souls go--

[ Died defending Shor from foreign gods ]

-- and merely found himself.

[ fell at sunrise and became replaced by mirrors ]

That perhaps One King over the Other was merely a perspective.

[ would hate the same-twin on the other end of the aurbrilical cord ]

[ I AM NOT ]

Death is merely finding the End, and at the end of it all, was a Tower, and he had the Key.

[ is the heart of the world, for one was made to satisfy the other ]

and you don't become sheild-thane god for another god for no one, and not for no reason.

[ the ashen-amalgamation of his sons that had survived ]

When your various dream selves are bound by interpretation, all this means is waiting for someone to tell the knowledge to. Someone who has just the right belief and understanding, that you can reach.

Especially you cannot reach the wandering, because you felled the self that could have talked to them.

[ and swore blood vengeance on the heirs of Auriel for all time ]

That perhaps this all started, because of the grief and guilt of the son who stole his fathers' lives.

[ then ascended to heaven in full observance of his followers so that they might learn the steps needed to escape the mortal plane ]

[ withdrew from the creation of the world at the last second, though it cost him dearly ]

[ dooming him to the underworld ]

[ He was undone ]

And for those who are trapped--

[ cast down their jailer king ]

--but have a chance to escape.

[ the rules of Psijic Endeavor ]

... And he just needed the right ear.

( Sorry for the trippiness. But I do so like writing something that looks like it could've walked right outta "V for Vendetta". Lots o quotes from lots o places. )

[acti-veg]

something interesting about people arguing that boycotting mcdonalds is really easy and how you don't need mcdonalds is that these are the same people that argue that being able to buy mcdonalds meals is necessary for the survival of poor people. like I regularly see people argue that their dollar menu is cheap and makes it possible for poor folk to eat 'well'. so like if that was true (which, lets be honest, the people arguing this have never been poor a day in their lives are you kidding me I couldn't afford to spend a dollar on only 6 nuggets that's not even a full meal and has limited nutritional value. I would rather spend a dollar on a pack of pasta and at least get multiple meals out of it. but that's besides the point) then trying to tell people that they are being selfish if they can't afford to eat something other than mcdonalds (again, we know that mcdonalds is not the poor persons paradise they want us to think it is but I'm using their logic) is so messed up. shaming people who (by their own arguments) cannot afford to eat anything else for not giving up their (theoretical) only source of food.

the contradiction of their world views is so confusing like they are out here arguing that vegans are classist for demanding people give up mcdonalds for the sake of others then turning around and doing the same thing. I'm all for voting with my money but unlike these people I actually apply it to all aspects of my beliefs and activism not just when it's convenient for me/my message damn.

I've been doing this for a long time but it is still quite jarring to see this play out, over the past few weeks especially. The sudden widespread acknowledgement of the power of boycott, the rapid development in understanding of what it's aims are, and the frankly miraculous sudden realisation that asking someone to boycott a brand to the extent that they're able to is not actually classist, or racist, or whatever else they've decided boycotting animal products is for the last decade of discourse.

I am also depressingly certain that as soon as the current boycotts leave the media cycle and people stop talking about them, they'll go right back to 'no ethical consumption under capitalism tho' and insisting that individual purchase decisions or collective boycotts don't make any difference.

This is something we should be used to, we have all observed the fact that people (and especially leftists) don't apply their existing logic or values to animal agriculture. So much of it really is just talk, because as soon as you ask someone to examine their own beliefs and how they themselves may be contributing to worker exploitation, animal exploitation and environmental destruction, they slip about six grades in basic comprehension and go back to spewing rhetoric that they themselves would laugh at in any other context.

[marvelfanfn2187a113]

I have many thoughts, well, only two:

1)Gabriel and Rowena's daughter could understand each other with Sam, Sam would say something like "I could talk about bad parents all day"

Sam also had problems with his dad and well, let's not even talk about Mary

2) Do you think Lucifer would have a slight soft spot for Gabriel and Rowena's daughter?

More on Gabriel's side than on Rowena's side haha

Despite everything, Lucifer has a small affection for Gabriel, it is seen that Lucifer was hurt by what Gabriel told him in the other world and we can almost see that Lucifer feels bad for killing Gabriel the first time and then when Gabriel dies in the other world also seems to have felt a little bad.

We know that Lucifer is willing to kill his own son in order to survive but if we think about it Lucifer has no connection with Kelly or Jack, maybe with Gabriel's daughter it is different, he knows Gabriel, he is his little brother. Maybe he has a little soft spot for his younger brother's daughter, not to the point of changing but to the point of "I'm not going to kill you unless I have to" or "I'll give you a chance to join me."

1) Ok I love the idea of Sam bonding with Gabe and Rowena’s daughter, especially since he was kind of-sort of-almost-ish friends with both of them.

He would talk to her about how he didn’t feel like Mary wanted him around at all. But he saw how Gabriel and Rowena were with her, and it was totally different—Sam tells the daughter that they want her around, and they love her.

I think Sam would also bring up his time with Samuel, which doesn���t really get talked about. Sam would say—

“I spent some time with my grandfather, and he used me and my brother to get monsters for him. I mean, I was soulless at the time, so it didn’t really hurt then. But now, after it, I realize how messed up that is—I mean, he’s supposed to be family.”

I think Sam would end up accidentally getting super vulnerable with Gabe’s daughter, then kind of backing off because she’s just a kid and he didn’t want to scare her, but then she opens up to him, too and just completely understands him. Sam decided never to underestimate her again, and they become besties.

2) Honestly I’m not much of the belief that Lucifer has a soft spot for anyone…like I know he’s a popular character but I completely despise him.

But to play devil’s advocate (pun completely intended), let’s say for argument’s sake that he does have a little soft spot. I mean, she’s his little brother’s daughter, so sure. I think the extent of it would be, “I’ll try my best not to kill you, just stay out of my way.”

Although it has to be taken into account that she’s a nephilim—no way would Lucifer pass up that opportunity. I think he would try to use her once Jack rejected him, but she shuts that down quickly because she’s just gone through this whole ordeal deciding she wasn’t going to be used by her parents. Plus, with how close she’s getting with Sam, there’s no way she’d give his torturer the time of day.

[empyrangel]

what’s your opinion on the raiden shogun/raiden ei, girl i gotta know

See, that one’s pretty complicated.

When I first played the Inazuma archon quest, I didn’t think much of her at first. Which makes sense considering we don’t hardly see her until the end. Then came the reveal about how the loss of her sister caused her to retreat into her headspace and leave the mortal plane behind. As someone with MaDD who spends most of my time in my own headspace to hide from life and problems, she really resonated with me. So after that I had a pretty positive view of her for a while, but then I started to notice how her character was handled post-archon quest, as well as the criticisms from the many people who dislike her.

They’d talk about how Ei had allowed her grief to consume her and abandoned Inazuma with a puppet for a leader. How she said that she knew about the vision hunt decree, and the fatui to starting the civil war and trying to give people delusions. She let all of that happen because it didn’t conflict with her pursuit of eternity. I realized that these were valid criticisms and agreed with them despite liking Ei. I don’t have a problem with morally dubious characters, as long as they are handled properly, but Ei was not.

I was hoping to enjoy seeing how her character would change after the end of the archon quest. Yes, she was grieving, yes, she suddenly had the burden of being the archon and ruler thrust upon her shoulders immediately after everything with the cataclysm, but that doesn’t excuse what she did. I was hoping to see Ei regain her belief in humanity by interacting with the people of modern day Inazuma, and see her people gradually regain their hope in her. I wanted to see her regret her past and put in the work to make up for it for the sake of her people. I wanted to see her apologize to them, to become an active ruler and participant in Inazuma society. I wanted to see her face the consequences of her actions with people rightfully angry at her for abandoning them, and see Ei determined to win back their trust because she cares about her subjects. I wanted to see her struggle to not fall back into her old mindset or to become disappointed and angry at how Inazuma has changed, and to persevere despite all that. That would have been a well written character, but that’s not what happened.

Instead, she got a hasty redemption arc, after which all her teeth and claws were immediately removed for the sake of making her more marketable. She was never confronted with her actions, no one was ever allowed to feel angry at her for what she did. We pretty much just moved on immediately from everything that happened. We see in certain limited time events that the people of Inazuma are still scared of Ei, but it’s played off like a joke.

I mean, I suppose Ei did have to fight the shogun (who symbolically represented her past self and ideals) for 500 years in that pocket dimension in her second sq, but we (the player/traveler) only saw the very beginning and very end of that, and the people of Inazuma never knew about any of that. I don’t want her to suffer just for the sake of suffering, so that didn’t really mean anything to me.

Some hardcore Ei stans have the counter argument that since Ei is both a totalitarian dictator and a god there isn’t anyone who can hold her accountable for anything, so expecting Ei to make change or make up for what she’s done is unrealistic. But I believe that her being unable to be held accountable is exactly what would make her having a real character arc so good. Since nobody can make Ei do anything, she’d have to hold herself accountable. She’d have to display the will to want to change without any punishment or incentive driving that. And I think that would just add to her character.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love Ei in concept, but not the execution. I love her potential, I love what she could have been, but not who she turned out to be.

As for the Raiden Shogun, since she’s a different person than Ei, I guess I just feel sorry for her. I don’t think about her very much, but I like how you can see the differences in personality between her and when Ei is controlling her, with Ei being more casual, soft-spoken, and friendly, and the Shogun being more cold, withdrawn, and serious. I mean she was created by Ei and then immediately left to rule Inazuma herself as Ei had disappeared into her headspace. And she doesn’t have autonomy, she can only follow whatever parameters Ei has coded into her. That sounds like a sad life.

[giftedpoison]

watching my sister outwardly preach morality and right vs wrong, not only to me in arguments about things that have nothing to do with her, but also on her social media page where she is very aggressive and vicious towards people who don't share her views or who she perceives to be inherently malicious, and rather than treat them with kindness she treats them with aggression.

meanwhile she has never done a deep reflection on what right vs wrong is, and clearly has a very black and white mentality about it that is inherently distorted because nothing is black and white.

and i refuse to even engage with it anymore because i'm not going to stand there and let someone scream at me and tell me she hopes i die for merely trying to point out her own hypocrisy.

like pick up a book on philosophy i beg of thee. and just sit with it. don't take it as a metric to lead your life by but take it as a theory to mull with and play with. for fucks sake watch The Good Place or The 100 if reading philosophy isn't your thing. or read the Vicious duology by V.E. Schwab, or read Tokyo Ghoul by Sui Ishida. or No Longer Human by Dazi or read anything that remotely discusses the complexities of feeling like a monster or being alienated in society/media about good vs evil. (my examples in media are thin, despite it being my favorite narrative device because i genuinely am blanking)

like learn that right and wrong is fluid and to not condemn people because they do something you personally wouldn't do. it is not your place to dictate how others live, and if you want people to grow to share your opinion you can't force them with vitriol and you most definitely won't be the deciding factor in why someone might come around to your belief system.

[mythicalwatch101]

HELLO. I AM HERE TO TALK ABOUT KROMER/CANTO 3

kromie is one of my Favorite characters Of All Time and if i see one more person horribly misinterpret her & her story & her motivations i am for real going to distort

FIRST AND FOREMOST

CANTO 3 ISN'T ABOUT ABLEISM

(it's not about racism either. she's not "cyborg racist". god damn it.)

canto 3 is about

religious extremism & societal pressure

PROSTHETICS IN THE CITY ≠ DISABILITY

prosthetics in the pm world are pretty obviously NOT the same as prosthetics in our world, and using them to point towards kromer being ableist is one of the weakest arguments i have ever seen in my entire life. give me ONE piece of evidence of kromer being ableist that doesn't mention prosthetics i fucking dare you

look at that. it's not about needing a missing arm replaced, or legs that you can walk on; it's about doing away with all of the inefficiencies of a flesh and blood body. you can get so much more work done if you don't need to eat or sleep!

unfortunately, there are many ways to be ableist and if she truly was, to the point where it was an important part of her character with an entire canto centered around it (like hating pm-prosthetics is), then i feel like maybe

just maybe

she would express this in other ways

that don’t involve slaughtering people that just happen to be made of metal.

just a thought.

which brings me to my next point

Prosthetics in the City are about class and money and the societal pressure i mentioned earlier

UNNECESSARY PRESSURE TO CONFORM TO THE AESTHETIC

WORTHLESS SURGERIES THAT POOR PEOPLE CAN’T AFFORD AND YET FEEL THE NEED TO GET ANYWAY

SINCLAIR’S BODILY AUTONOMY BEING STRIPPED AWAY FROM HIM SO THAT HE MATCHES HIS FAMILY

sinclair's family even turned their DOG into a robot for god's sake

it's a fad! it's cool to turn yourself into a robot! it's the new thing everyone is doing, so now you have to do it too to fit in with everyone else! even sinclair himself acknowledges this when talking about his family

also adding a ruina screenshot from this post i saw a while ago that i think you all should read

was hesitant to include it because i wanted to make my point without dragging ruina into this, to prove that you don't NEED the context from ruina to understand kromer's beliefs and motivations, but like. look at this. what the fuck.

"adjust emotions" "completely shut off desires" look me in the eyes and tell me this has ANYTHING to do with disability. i dare you. this is some rich people shit

prosthetics are a LUXURY for some, and a TOOL for others; something for rich people to enjoy, and for poor people to either get a shitty version of, or to sell their soul to afford, so that they can survive in the capitalist's dream world! kind of reminds me of cars, actually

(the extra info abt prosthetics from ruina helps, but as someone who has mostly only played limbus & doesn’t have the full context of the other games, it’s obvious even to me that they're not a disability thing)

in conclusion;

kromer is not ableist

she just really really really likes flesh and is super weird about it

to paraphrase/add to something someone said in that post i linked earlier: the district has an "ideal form" for the human body, and kromer has an "ideal form" for the human body, but these "ideal forms" are not the same

she prefers the human body the way it is, and when she sees this "ideal form" that's like the exact opposite of HER "ideal form" starting to take over, she resorts to being a violent bloodthirsty cult leader about it because she sucks ass and is incapable of being normal

she is a bad person and you are allowed to hate her ofc but please for the love of god hate her for something she’s actually done. stop making shit up

[sukifoof]

I originally asked this on another blog, but since it's on hiatus I doubt it will be answered anytime soon. But it's still bugging me, and even though I'm not sure if this is the best blog to ask this on, I have to tell this to someone:

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that another, living Human is present in the room where Asriel died, when he died. That Human then quickly absorbs Asriel's SOUL, before it could crack. Now, based on what Asriel tells us about having multiple SOULs in one body, this should result in that Human having two separate individuals living inside of them, so to speak. One of them is the Human themself, tied to their SOUL and brain. And the other is Asriel, tied to his own SOUL, now trapped inside the Human's body.

But, at the same time, we're told that when a Monster's Dust is scattered over something, their essence (whatever that is exactly) will live on in that object. And this is indeed proven to be true when Alphys creates Flowey. So if we inject Determination into the flower that grows where Asriel died, that should still create Flowey, out of his "essence".

But now the problem is, we have "successfully" "duplicated" Asriel this way: we have one Asriel that is a SOUL trapped inside a Human, and another one that is Flowey. (I'm using quotes because both "duplicates" are quite different from the original) And, I dunno, it just feels like something that shouldn't be possible, and it kinda freaks me out a little.

But wait, there's more! Let's say we somehow extract Asriel's SOUL out of our Human (most likely by killing them too), and we quickly put it into Flowey. What does that do to him? What happens to any memories or personality changes that Asriel's SOUL experienced during that time? Do the two Asriels merge somehow? Does Asriel now have two personalities? Or does a secret third thing happen?

I need to discuss this with someone, because whenever I do think about it I freak out a tiny bit, because it's beyond the scope of my imagination. Please help. And I'm sorry for doing this.

hmmm inchresting inchresting.... its hard to say what would happen considering a human has never absorbed a monster soul so we dont know what happens to their dust... but if he Did manage to get duplicated i think overall they would like come to the same conclusions about how they feel about things and it would be very interesting to see who would end up having control over the timeline....... and if they did manage to get fused together i think flowey would like. Freak Out. like i think a lot of floweys mindset comes from the belief that theres something Wrong with him for not having a soul so i mostly feel like he would be trying to get his soul back while asriel probably thinks about how awful he feels despite still having a soul and he might think that floweys plan of taking his soul would somehow fix them or make them whole.... something something cognitive dissonance niiue thing going on. if u have not played cogdis definitely check it out niiue is one of my most favorite characters in anything and i think u would enjoy it considering this ask 👀also megalovania is in it.

[mankatzu]

Thoughts on the “fiction vs reality” thing I’m putting it under a read more cause it got kind of long

This isn’t a start for discourse btw I love all my mutuals dearly but it’s something I feel I have to be vocal about, because I hold very different beliefs to a lot of people and I don’t want to seem like I’m hiding anything. So here’s the thing, I genuinely dont think the argument of the jaws affect re “fiction affects reality” holds up in a discussion about censorship specifically in online spaces

and tbh that might not even be what op of the original post is talking about but it really seems like it. Like if we’re all in agreement that playing a first person shooter isn’t going to turn you into a serial killer (re: columbine) then why is it different when it comes to dark fiction? You could watch a 1000 horror movies and that still doesn’t mean you’d be ok with murder in real life.

“But if affects you emotionally, so therefore it is affecting reality!” Heartbreak is 10x more painful than any fic I’ve read about a character being tortured (which is not an often occurrence for me, I mostly have done it for you guessed it, curiousity) but we don’t outlaw love. life is full of painful, traumatic experiences— it’s our job has responsible adults to filter out the things that we know will hurt us and to curate spaces where we can feel joy.

And this isn’t a one size fits all scenario I know. I still find lolicon shit repugnant and dislike how it’s infiltrated fandom spaces. But just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean it should be thanos wiped from existence, moderation is key. Because the issue is we can’t often define what is supposed to be porn and what is supposed to be an exploration of a topic purely for the sake of it and how it makes us feel.

Because there are still people who will read a story like “the bluest eyes” and say it is an endorsement of rape and shouldn’t be read. It is the logic of banned book drives that believe fiction that challenges a kind of moral law shouldn’t exist. When the whole point of fiction is to challenge us, make us feel things we otherwise couldn’t feel.

And this isn’t me saying you need to become ok with dubcon or Loli shit in your spaces. Absolutely not! If you hate that shit like me block MFs on all platforms! Filter those tags! Create the space that is going to make you feel safest. I just think when it comes to discussions around censorship we have to consider these things especially when it comes to critiquing a site like AO3, which, despite its appearance is used to host everything from personal memoirs to fandom fiction.

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

Just gonna weigh in on the Hogwarts Legacy drama real quick

If you've dipped your toes in the tag, you've seen what a storm it is. Also, if you follow my posts, you likely already know my thoughts. Still.

I'm someone who's not giving Rowling one cent ever again, and I'm not buying the game for that reason. If at some point, I have the opportunity to play the game without supporting Rowling, then I probably will, out of curiosity if nothing else, but I'm definitely not going out of my way. Of course, I can always use an emulator, which is an easy enough solution, but we'll see.

I've not played, but I've seen footage, including details about the whole controversy with the Goblins. I have my doubts that they were ever intended to be a stereotype, but the stereotype still exists and this game...does not help. One of the primary antagonists is a Goblin and so far as I can tell, they don't make him sympathetic or offer the option to side with him. They should have done that, especially considering how many eyes are on the Goblins right now. This game could have been a chance to at least try and "redeem" them. Seems like it failed on that end. Which probably means it will wind up doing more harm in the long run. (I'm not Jewish, so I'm not really qualified to speculate, but it would follow the pattern.)

There's also the Rowling issue. That being, she's an active transphobe doing real harm and the money that goes into her pocket is then spent on contributing to this harm. Which is why I'm not buying the game and I don't believe you should either. I'm not a trans woman, which is who she primarily targets, but I am nonbinary, so I know where I stand and I choose to stand with pride.

That said. I'm not going to say you're a bad person if you do choose to play the game. (Especially if you pirate it.) I won't decry you or proclaim that you're not an ally, because to be frank...that's not really for me to decide. I can't speak to the actions you've taken in the past, or will take in the future. Only you know if your conscience is clear. Only you know what your beliefs are and what you're willing to sacrifice for them. Some of the more dedicated boy-cotters are drawing a line in the sand, arguing that anyone who plays Hogwarts Legacy has chosen their side, and stands with Antisemites and Transphobes. To me, that's senseless, and not altogether helpful.

To such folks, I have to say that I think your heart is definitely in the right place, and I appreciate the passionate defense. But you're attacking the wrong people. In some cases, I've seen people posting major spoilers online without tagging them, purely out of spite. That's...not helpful, and it's very immature. Punishing the average fan for wanting to play #ThatWizardGame isn't going to do anything but ruin their day. It won't stop Rowling's agenda. Really, I'm not sure what can at this point. Bigots will continue to inflict harm upon the world regardless of whether or not a single video game from an already timeless franchise does well. The Harry Potter brand makes a metric fuckton of money and so does Rowling. That would still be true even if the game bombed. I'm not saying we shouldn't do our parts to fight back, but I live in a dystopian capitalistic society and it's also not lost on me that this was always a rigged fight.

Because there's no ethical consumption under unregulated capitalism.

I realize that's a meme at this point, and I've seen a lot of arguments about this very point. I'm not knowledgeable enough to comment about most of it. For instance, I won't comment on the game developers and whether or not Hogwarts Legacy should be successful for their sake. That's a debate that I don't know enough to participate in. But I have seen allies who make a very good point, that there's a difference between having to buy clothes that were made in a sweat shop because public nudity is not an option...and having to go without a game you want. Those two things are worlds apart. I'm also aware that the idea of "separating art from the artist" doesn't really fly when said artist is still alive, still profiting from our support, and still has a platform with which she is doing genuine harm.

However, it strikes me as odd that this one game is what everything rides on. Because countless people follow mega-corporations that they do not have to, despite being self-proclaimed allies of the minorities that these corporations have always harmed. I'm willing to bet that some of the boy-cotters do as well. If playing Hogwarts Legacy makes you a transphobe, and an antisemite...then it stands to reason that having a Disney Plus subscription makes you a homophobe, and a racist. Nobody has to support them. Oh, but you just really want to watch Star Wars, right? I could say the same thing about anyone who has an Apple device. While Smartphones have become the only real phone on the market, there are other brands available. What about Marvel, and the fiasco with Chris Pratt? See, this is what I mean. This is why I feel like (most of us) have no right to judge other people for a choice that, to them, probably seems as meaningless as watching a Disney movie. Even if you're totally clean and have no metaphorical skeletons in your pocket, I still think judging the people who do is a bad idea, and a waste of your time.

Media is not the same as things that are essential to life, but it's an all-encompassing aspect of our culture and for a lot of people, it's almost like a kind of addiction. I think blaming the people who consume the problematic media is pointing your finger in the wrong direction. Make no mistake, there are bigots who will support this game, and do so proudly, specifically because they agree with Rowling's crap, but that's not going to be everyone. There will be people on our side who play the game, and I think alienating them is just a terrible move, pragmatically speaking. This gets into a bigger discussion about radical beliefs versus moderate beliefs but again, I am a pragmatist. The majority of my political views do fall on the "radical" side, but if we abandon the "moderates" because they're not "doing enough"...the other side will swoop in to win them over. I get that it might be frustrating, that you might not respect someone who claims to be an ally but chooses to play HPHL anyway. But if you can stomach it, you should, because we're much more likely to recruit them.

So that's my advice. Don't die on this hill. Because even if it shouldn't, it makes us look like the bad guys.

One more thing, if you think the game looks objectively bad, then fair enough, but...I have to assume at least some of you are kidding yourselves, or trying to bash HPHL just for the sake of it. Graphically, the game is very advanced, and I don't think it make me a bigot to say that it's aesthetically pleasing. This reminds me lot of the people who pretend the books are retroactively bad and "always were." It makes it very difficult to take you seriously. Cash cows don't emerge from crappy books. Rowling doesn't have to be a good person to be a skilled writer. Bad people can have talents, and there's a reason that Harry Potter took off. It's a great series. For a lot of us, it's more than that.

I'm someone who had a #HardChildhood and I'm (probably, but not diagnosed) neurodivergent in various ways that resulted in fiction being my escapism from the trauma of real life, the Harry Potter books being my first real taste of reading and writing. Stories and their universes have always been my passion, and Harry Potter was the first. It's a part of who I am, and I know I'm not alone in that. I know there are Potterheads out there who can't begin to imagine trying to cut HP out of themselves, and don't feel like they should have to. The books didn't hurt anyone, right? The game isn't responsible for Rowling's bigotry. Well, no, but supporting the game does translate to supporting her, as unfair as that might be. To such people who have dug in their heels, I get it. I really do. It's hard. People mock you for it and infantilize you, but it really is hard. For some of us, it's like grappling with a childhood friend or family member who turns their back on us.

I've struggled with this a lot, wrestled with myself and gone back and forth. What my responsibility is as an ally, what it says about me that I'm still a Harry Potter fan. What I should do about #ThatWizardGame. (Or as some of the critics have dubbed it "Blood Libel: The Game. Which is definitely provocative but I admit, it got a dark chuckle out of me.) For instance, how should we interact with the game? Do we refuse to acknowledge it's existence? Would that even help? Again, it's going to burn across the internet like fireworks, no matter what we do. Giving it the silent treatment won't change that. Anymore than refusing to buy the game will stop Rowling from being rich. (Which is not to say we shouldn't still try, just that it feels a little hopeless sometimes.)

But on the other hand, is talking about the game and engaging with it in the fandom, discussing the plot and characters and so on...is that acceptable? Or is it a slap in the face to the Jewish and Trans communities? For instance, my blog gets a lot of anon messages, and I can already tell I'm going to get several of them about Hogwarts Legacy. (I've already gotten a few.) Is it wrong for me to respond? Does it "count" if I haven't initiated the conversation? What if I feel inclined to craft an OC for this particular era of the Potterverse? Is that bad? It's not as though I'll be making posts saying "And now a word from our sponsor, Nord VPN Hogwarts Legacy!" It's a tricky field to navigate, though I'm sure most people boycotting the game would tell me not to interact at all and stop overthinking it. Still, as this blog has spent the last few years talking about Hogwarts Mystery...is that any better? I can see how giving #ThatWizardGame exposure is a problem. Then again...this is Tumblr. I feel as though Tumblr exposure should probably come with an asterisk. It's a "dead" website that is the antithesis of any other platform building site.

What about Let's Plays? Do I unsubscribe from any channel that plays this game? Because plenty of Let's Players do this for a living and their paycheck depends on playing all of the topical games. I hear that there are Hogwarts Legacy streams that are hosting donations to support the Trans community. Which is a downright hilarious middle finger to Rowling, but on the other hand, that could just as easily be done with a different game. One way or another, I have a friend who's making a Let's Play and she's told me outright that she doesn't want to get involved in the drama. Which I consider to be more than fair. Some people just don't want to get involved in politics. It's true that abstaining from these discussions is lot easier the more privilege you have, but that doesn't erase a person's right to make that choice. Politics can be murder on a person's mental health. Is it wrong for me to support my friend as she enjoys the game? I genuinely don't know.

I don't believe that simply asking questions or engaging in conversations is inherently bad. I'm rarely sure about what I should do and in my experience, people who are always certain can still make mistakes, but they're far less likely to believe they do. I don't believe it makes me a bad person or a false ally to weigh the various factors. Having these conversations, (with each other, not the bigots) and having them politely and in good faith, is how we grow as people. It's how we communicate. It's how we unite against threats like bigotry. Facing these threats can take courage, and integrity. Which isn't always easy, but no one ever said doing the right thing was easy. Doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. Each and every day, we make choices, and we have to determine which ones are good or bad. In this case, though, addressing my fellow potter-heads, those waiting in line to buy the game, those who have an emotional connection to this universe as I do...I can only encourage you to follow the word of a man we're all quite familiar with. A man who is... a lot of things, but he was also extremely wise.

We have to choose between what is right and what is easy.

At the end of the day, here's my point. It's just a video game. To the critics, remember that before you go bullying people for choosing to play it. (Or at least cancel your Disney + subscription first.) Rowling's empire does not live or die on a few nerds sharing head-canons in the back alley of a hellsite like this. But to the players, ask yourselves if engaging with HPHL is actually worth it. If it means that much to you. A simple video game isn't worth supporting antisemitic subtext from a transphobic creator and I think, deep down, a lot of you know that. There are plenty of other open world RPGs you can use to scratch that itch. Go play Witcher, go play Skyrim. If it's the Potterverse you're missing, just reread the books. (I assume you already have them.) But the game also isn't worth infighting among people who are basically on the same side. There's a difference between being a bigot and just being a nerd. Let's all try and remember who the real enemy is here, and do our part to resist them.

Because it really is just a video game. And these problems are much bigger than whether or not you boycott it.

(I welcome discussion in comments and reblogs, or if you want to go into my inbox, feel free. Let's just keep things friendly, or at least civil. So long as you stand with the Trans and Jewish communities, we are all on the same side.)

[bees-in-disguise]

So like, last night I did a livestream where I got misgendered. I think I handled it pretty well, just made a joke about it and clarified that I use they/them pronouns (despite having it already listed in my tags, and in my roles on my discord server). Got told that that’s “tumbler talk” when I clarified and “we all have different beliefs” when (calmly) I told him that it was kind of fucked up to say that. Later he said that I killed the mood by reacting this way. He also got called out by another member of my chat at the time, thankfully.

Honestly this guy was overall kind of a dick. He kept saying I need to get better at the game I was playing. For reference, I was playing Ultrakill on violent difficulty. Which is already extremely hard. He also said that the only people who are interested in Ultrakill lore are people who are bad at the game. In addition, he said I was hindering my progress based on the fact that I was doing the secret levels and challenges. He was also called out by more members of my chat at this, thankfully again. While I was trying to cool off from the whole misgendering thing.

Overall, kind of a shit stream. When I ended it all of my other chatters were confused about what happened because I ended it so suddenly. I was beyond pissed. Also an argument broke out and I had to turn on subscriber-only mode because of it. I’m just. It’s stupid. Respect the streamer for fuck’s sake.

The guy did apologize to me, and said that he was gonna try and work on that behavior. And I am gonna give him a second chance. Forgive and forget and all that. I’m glad that my chat backed me up for real. But I’m still mad.

[galacticwildfire]

Omg i love this idea

Rhea Amidala

Am I the asshole for becoming a Separatist and a Sith Apprentice (accidentally) and hiding it from ex.

Several months ago my sister stopped speaking to me after the man who has been completing my Jedi training outed himself as the leader of the Separatist government. She had never been so furious with me in her entire life and threatened to have me stripped of my rank, but agreed to keep it secret for my sake in the belief that I'd come to my senses and abandon my place as Count Dooku's apprentice. I may have hidden the extent of my role in forming this government and pretended to act blindsided but she still wouldn't speak to me without yelling.

I love my sister, but I hate the Chancellor with every ounce of my body and truly believe in forming a separatist government away from the corruption of the Republic. We weren't on speaking terms until my master asked me to become grand general of an army of battle droids, and I cussed him out for being stupid enough to think I'd actually agree to such a foolish idea that would start a war. Turns out that's what he wants, and worse than that he revealed he's turned to the dark side. Even worse he tried to convince me to reach out to my ex from ten years ago to invite him and his apprentice to join us. I left and warned my sister about the army, but by the time I'd returned to play a double agent and set things right he'd tried to assassinate her. After a fight I managed to escape alive and return to her, only to be blindsided by the fact said ex and his apprentice would be there in moments.

I may have been distracted by his glow up and the realisation I'm still in love with him, although that was overshadowed by the fact that his apprentice is a menace who is weirdly obsessed with my sister. He doesn't seem as concerned as he should be. He realised I was hiding something and so I told him I had some minor business with the separatists, then there was another fight and I decided to keep the truth hidden until I knew for certain my master was ordering the assassination attempts. I know I'm in denial but it just seems to make little sense politically since her opposition to the Republic's army would only work in his favour. Things got a bit heated between the ex and I, in both good and bad ways, and he confronted me but I managed to brush him off after an argument. We had come to a compromise and begun to make up, that was until we learned my master was 100% involved and I had to come clean.

He keeps speaking to me in a voice I've only heard him use when he's frustrated with his apprentice and won't let go of the sith apprentice part, which is actually what I'm least guilty of since I only learned that after I'd turned on my master. He said I'd be the death of him, which is a bit of an exaggeration considering his apprentice likely will be, and the fight we had wasn't pretty. I'm worried the Jedi will decide to kill me when they learn I was accidentally a Sith Apprentice, yet his silent treatment might just be worse than the thought of that.

Update: sometimes arguments work out for the best and the tension resolved itself multiple times. I'm still screwed when the council finds out but at least I'll die happy.

Padmé: yes, you are the asshole for committing treason against the Republic. Call me.

Anakin: I feel unfairly represented here, but it's good to know I'm not the only one in trouble for once

Obi-Wan: ... *deep sigh*

Write an r/AmITheAsshole post told from your OC’s perspective. (Bonus: include replies from your other OCs.)

[gimmie-a-sammich]

To Rule Them All | Chapter 12 | Blue Bird

Pairings: Idol!Ateez/???!Ateez x Fem!Original Characters

Summary: Alexis is about to have the summer of a lifetime traveling the country with some of her best friends following one of her favorite groups, Ateez. Little do they know, there is more to this group than meets the eye. Take a trip into the dark as they navigate a world unseen.

Genre: (18+ Minors DNI) smut, angst, fluff, supernatural vibes 

Chapter Warnings: sneaky Mingi, unprotected sex (don't do this please), nipple play, vaginal sex, fingering, choking, dirty talk

Word Count: 12.1k

read here on AO3

To Rule Them All masterlist

previous chapter | next chapter

note: POV switches do occur, hopefully those are clear enough. If not, please let me know (:

**

Parking was a mess. We left in plenty of time, but still got caught up in the concert traffic. Thea and Nikki were bickering in the front seat while we were at a standstill waiting to get into the parking lot. Apparently, Nikki had missed a turn on the way here, and according to Thea that was the sole reason we were now stuck in this mess. Obviously, that was not the case because nothing would have helped this damn traffic, but Thea was still placing blame and Nikki was not having it. Christie was trying her best to mediate, but it was no use. Both were stubborn beyond belief, and neither party was going to wave the white flag, even though both were very aware of how pointless their argument was. 

“All I’m saying is that we would have been in front of at least fifteen of these cars had you listened to me,” Thea said, not looking at Nikki. She was scrolling through her phone, feet resting on the dash as we puttered along slowly. 

“And maybe if you could read, you would have seen that they closed off that damn road you so desperately wanted me to turn down,” Nikki shot back. We were finally within the lot now, following the flow of traffic at the direction of the workers to find an open spot. Their arguing continued even as Nikkii pulled into a space. 

“For fuck’s sake!” Christie must have finally reached her breaking point, her calm demeanor gone as she snapped at them.  “You two might as well fight to the death Hunger Games style at this point. Alexis and I will go on ahead… I’m sure we will have a great time flirting with the Hos, Hwa, and Mingi. Maybe they’ll need someone to console them once news of your demise hits. I sure as hell would have no issue volunteering as tribute.” 

Christie snatched my hand, pulling me out of the car before either of them could get a word in with her. We left the two of them stunned in the car as we joined the sea of people walking towards the stadium. 

“We really should wait for them…” I said, looking back to see them straggling behind us. “I do have their tickets.” 

Christie shook her head, not caring enough to check on them. “We’ll wait for them at the doors. I couldn’t handle their childish nonsense anymore. Like good god. Nothing was helping that damn traffic.” 

I sighed. Everyone was a little on edge today. While the past few days had flown by, I knew that the anticipation of seeing Ateez again was high. I was the only lucky one that had phone numbers exchanged, but Nikki, Thea, and Christie were adamant that I was not to send their numbers to San and Woo no matter how many times I offered. According to them, that would seem “desperate.” 

It wasn’t like they didn’t have the opportunity to talk to any of the other members. San and Wooyoung texted me almost constantly, but also FaceTimed me when they had a moment to sneak away. Occasionally another member would pop in and I would rush to find one of my friends to give them a chance to talk. It seemed like it was somewhat of a secret that San and Woo had my phone number, so these calls were infrequent, but I took advantage of every one of them. 

Christie and I stopped right outside the doors to wait for Nikki and Thea while the horde of concert goers filtered by us. My watch vibrated, and a smile crept on my face. Speak of the devil. 

CS- Hey babe… Check your tickets before you go in. We wanted to do something nice for you all. xoxo  

“What are you smiling about?” Nikki grumbled, stopping beside me. She and Thea had walked up to us in complete silence, a marginal improvement from their incessant bickering. She creeped on my phone as I pulled it out. “What, is he Gossip Girl or something now?” 

I rolled my eyes, ignoring her while I opened up my Ticketmaster app. I gasped when I saw that our original tickets had been marked as sold, freaking out momentarily before seeing four new tickets in their place. 

“Those sneaky little…” I muttered. Thea, Christie, and Nikki were looking at me expectantly. “Well… we have new tickets.” 

“We what?” Thea said, grabbing the phone out of my hands. I glared at her, but she didn’t care one bit. Her deep brown eyes were huge as she read the ticket information.  “Holy shit, barricade? How did they even… There’s no way those tickets were still available.”

I knew better than to question how they got the tickets. They were Ateez. If they wanted us in a certain area, they were going to put us there. I reached for my phone, tearing it out of the still stunned Thea’s hands to message San back. 

A- CHOI SAN! You did not have to do that… but thank you. 

CS- Yes we did. How else am I going to see that pretty face of yours during the show?

He was ridiculous, but my smile was huge reading his message. Christie came around my back, grabbed my waist and peeked around my arm at my phone. “Can he be any sweeter… honestly,” she whispered, squeezing my hips softly. 

I sent him one last text, thanking him again and wishing him a good show. I did not want to risk messaging him when we were in the venue, just in case. I looked back up at my friends, all of whom were grinning ear to ear. It seemed Nikki and Thea’s sour moods were finally gone, but it was too soon to tell if the tension between them was squashed. 

We wasted no time, merging in with the crowd entering the stadium. I led the way, my long strides and fast pace letting us bypass most of the slow walkers. Getting through security was a breeze, but my heart skipped a beat once we reached the workers scanning tickets. I held my breath, paranoid that the barcodes would be invalid. I exhaled when I heard the ding and the worker swiped to the next ticket. Once all were scanned and the four of us officially entered the arena I could finally breathe easy. Nikki immediately took off towards one of the drink vendors without a word, leaving the rest of us in the dust behind her. 

“I take it you two have not made nice yet?” I asked Thea. I grabbed her and Christie’s hands to follow Nikki, not wanting her to get lost in the shuffle. 

Thea sighed. “No… we didn’t do much talking once Christie used her mom voice on us.”

Christie chuckled slightly. “That’s what happens when you act like children.” 

We ended up being quite a few people behind Nikki, and we did not want to upset anyone by jumping in to join her. The line moved relatively quickly, and soon Nikki was making her way towards us with not one but two drinks in her hands. 

“Peace offering,” she said quietly, holding out the unmistakable Long Island Iced Tea to Thea. “I’m sorry.”

Thea reached for the drink. “Offering accepted. I’m also sorry, I went too far.” 

I threw my hands around both of them, pulling them into me and nearly causing their drinks to spill. “Oh look, we’re one big happy family again!” 

Nikki took my arm off her within seconds, swatting away all touch with her free hand. “Don’t get mushy. I’m already tired of the people, so if you don’t mind, Thea and I will go ahead to our seats.” 

I reminded them of our new seat numbers and location, Thea stating with a small eye roll that she remembered. She took a long sip of her drink before looping her arm through Nikki’s, locking it in place. Nikki grumbled slightly, but a smile snuck through as they walked away arm and arm, leaving Christie and I in line. 

“Excited, Sunshine?” Christie asked once we were walking back towards the floor of the arena. The line had slowed, and it had taken a good 20 minutes for us to get our drinks. 

I sipped my vodka soda, our steps syncing as we walked. The bustle around us was loud enough that we could talk a little more freely, but still had to be careful. “Extremely. I still can’t believe they upgraded our tickets… I knew they couldn’t take no for an answer.”

“Did you have any idea?”

I shook my head, but didn’t feel comfortable talking anymore now that the crowd had gotten thicker. Christie grabbed my hand to stay close with the amount of people milling around us. I steered us towards the extended stage, keeping my eyes peeled for Nikki and Thea. This time we weren’t in the center, but on the left hand side. We were situated more on the walkway than anything, but had a great vantage point of both the extended and main stages.

Thea began waving us down once she spotted us, her purple hair shining like a beacon as she bounced. We had four end seats and I speculated that they may or may not have been made specifically for us. Christie must have had the same thoughts I did, because she had a near identical look on her face when we walked towards the chairs. 

“Glad you didn’t get lost,” Thea teased. She scooched over to let Christie and I sit at the two end seats. 

“You’re hard to miss,” Christie laughed, leaning into Thea playfully once she sat down. 

“Any other messages?” Nikki asked, leaning on her elbows to look towards me. 

“Nothing.” I shook my head. “But I didn’t expect anything either, at least not right now.” 

She furrowed her brows and slouched back into the chair. I think deep down we were all hoping that I would hear from San, Wooyoung, or even Angela, inviting us to something after the show. It was an odd feeling, wanting to be around them as much as possible, especially knowing how much they wanted to be around us, but also not expecting any special treatment from them. These huge gestures were something they could do easily, but we were not in that same position. We were already scrambling to figure out a way to thank them for two nights of dinner, let alone now for upgrading our tickets. 

We passed the time talking to the other Atiny around us and joking amongst ourselves. I was more than ready to see San and Wooyoung outside of my phone screen and each minute seemed to last an hour. I reached for Christie’s hand as soon as the lights dimmed, looking at her with a huge smile while the crowd screamed around us. 

The members lined the stage following their opening numbers, ready to do introductions. San was clearly searching the crowd while Hongjoong was speaking. His eyes lit up when he found us, a huge dimpled smile spreading across his face. Wooyoung gave him an odd look and scanned the area to try and find exactly where San was looking. San grabbed Woo’s head, reaching around him and making everyone scream. Wooyoung fought him for a minute before letting San turn his head, forcing it in our direction. Woo’s smile was just as big once he landed on us. He reached into his pockets and I held my breath. There was no way he would have brought my underwear again. To my surprise, he pulled out his pockets entirely, making a show that they were completely empty. 

Nikki, Thea, and Christie couldn’t hold in their laughter, making the people near us glare. I’m sure they were completely confused, because there was nothing remotely funny said during Seonghwa’s ment. I rolled my eyes, hoping that Wooyoung would somehow be able to see it. He shrugged his shoulders with fake innocence, winking in my direction. San had noticed what Wooyoung was doing and hit him playfully, causing even more screams. I was just thankful that he didn’t have my underwear to torture me with again, although this little skit was torture enough. I echoed San’s action, smacking Christie next to me while she continued laughing. All three of my friends were patting their pockets, doing nothing to hide their giggles. I groaned, this had become a new game of theirs, but as much as I tried to fight it I always ended up laughing with them.

As the show went on it was clear that not all of Ateez were aware we had new seats. Yunho and Mingi found us easily, doing their signature head spin directly in front of us. Yunho gave Thea a huge smile before moving on, while Mingi lingered for a bit and almost missed a cue on the extended stage. Hongjoong looked surprised when he spotted us, but grinned nonetheless, giving Christie an extra smirk before he left. Yeosang dragged Jongho over once he found us, both of them giving the cutest little waves. Seonghwa jumped slightly when he made eye contact with Nikki, but composed himself quickly, beaming at her. Wooyoung did in fact miss a stage cue from hovering in our area, something I considered a little bit of karma for his show earlier. San found my eyes constantly and it often felt like he was performing for me and me alone, even with tens of thousands people around us. 

The concert came to an end all too quickly. My throat felt raw from yelling and singing. I was surprised I didn’t lose my voice opening weekend, and I could already tell I wouldn’t be so lucky this time around. We waited with the rest of the stadium, not wanting the night to end and hopeful for an encore. 

“Hello again, ladies!”

I turned my head at the all too familiar voice, a smile blooming across my face. “Angela! It’s nice to see you again.” 

Christie, Thea, and Nikki gathered around closely. Of course, we were getting stares from those around us. It wasn’t often that staff members were seen talking to the crowd. Angela motioned for us to follow her, so we hurriedly grabbed our belongings, moving closer to the stage and further away from prying eyes and ears. 

She clapped her hands together once we were a safe distance away, smiling at us warmly. “I hope you guys enjoyed the show! To no surprise I’m sure, I have another request from Hongjoong. He’s asked that you all come backstage...”

“Backstage? When?” Nikki questioned, cutting off Angela before she had a chance to finish. Thea thrust an elbow into her side, silencing Nikki with a hmpf.  

“Well… right now. As long as you don’t mind watching the encore from a monitor. That way you don’t get stuck in the cluster once the show ends.” 

There was no need to ask for an opinon, a quick glance to their faces told me everything I needed to know.  “I don’t think any of us mind.” 

Angela beamed at us. “Excellent! If you’ll follow me…” She promptly turned on her heel, walking briskly toward the security guard standing near the side of the stage. They shared a brief conversation, speaking so quietly I wasn’t able to hear. The burly guard nodded as we stepped past him, but otherwise said nothing. 

Angela was moving quickly, the tapping of her heels on the tiled floor echoing through the hallway. A roar erupted from the arena, which could only mean that Ateez was back on stage. Angela’s already fast pace quickened in her rush to get us to the room, leading us through the twist and turns. We were all a little out of breath when we stopped in front of a door labeled Ateez. 

“I’m sorry we’re a little late getting here,” she apologized, opening the door to what was another green room. Their encore stage was already playing on the large screen as she ushered us inside. “They went on stage earlier than they should have… They’ll come in once they are done, and Hongjoong will go over everything then.”

We looked at each other, all looking somewhat confused and concerned. What could Hongjoong have to go over with us? Had we done something wrong? My thoughts were everywhere, wondering what this meant. Angela must have sensed our worry and interrupted the tornadoes going through our heads.

She waved her hands at us, shaking her head with a soft laugh and smile. “There’s nothing to worry about, I promise. It’s just that this would be better coming from Hongjoong, not me. Now, if you’ll excuse me…” She gave us a final smile before exiting, leaving us alone to ponder. 

Thea sat down on the couch, criss-crossing her legs beneath her. Of course, she looked completely unphased by whatever possibility was heading our way. “Whatever it is, it most definitely can’t be that bad…” She placed her hands in her lap, her tongue poking through as her thinking face appeared, working through potential options in her head. 

“I agree. We wouldn’t have been brought back here if it was,” Christie concurred, taking a spot next to her. She looked nervous, but was doing her best to put on a calm face.

Nikki took the remaining seat on the couch. She looked frazzled and was doing nothing to hide it. “We’re about to get a talking to from Captain… I don’t know how you are acting so calm.”

I stared at the TV in silence, focusing only on the movement of the guys on stage. It was tortuous, watching them while my brain was going sideways. Angela’s assurance that it was nothing to worry about did nothing to ease my mind. Nikki, Thea, and Christie were tossing ideas back and forth, some positive, others negative. 

Soon, Ateez were taking their final bows. My heart immediately started racing and it felt like the room grew infinitely warmer. I clicked the TV off, no point having it on now that the concert was over, and started pacing in front of the couch. 

“Sunshine, you are making me more nervous with your anxiousness. Stand still, please,” Christie said. She did her best to keep her voice calm and smooth, even though I knew she was the opposite. 

I stopped pacing just as the door creaked open. Our eyes shot to the door as Hongjoong strolled in alone. He must have come straight here, still wearing his clothes from the encore stage and sweat glistening faintly on his forehead. He ran his fingers through his split hair, smiling as he walked towards us. I looked past him, hoping that someone else was following him, but no one came. 

“Hey!” Hongjoong was all smiles as he looked at the couch before he set his eyes on me standing to the side. “You wanna sit down, Alexis?” 

I shook my head, crossing my arms. “I’m okay right now, thanks though.” 

Hongjoong shrugged his shoulders, the smile never leaving his face. He leaned back against the entertainment center, taking care not to hit the giant screen behind him. “We want you to travel with us.” 

He said it so nonchalantly that it took us all off guard. Nikki was blinking heavily, her brows furrowed. Thea was stunned into silence, a rarity in her case. I just stared at him, waiting for the punchline to come. Hongjoong continued to smile, acting like he did not just drop a complete bomb on us.

“You want us to what?” Christie stammered. 

“We want you to travel with us.” Hongjoong reiterated, his eyes never leaving Christie. “You were already coming to so many shows… and the moment you told us everyone was on my case about having you come along. We enjoy having you around, and it just makes sense.”

I sat down on the armrest of the couch, regretting not taking Hongjoong’s invitation to sit. “So what exactly does this mean?”

“It means that you’ll come everywhere with us, at least for the North American Tour. You’ll stay in the same hotels, go on the same flights, everything. Of course, we have a contract and NDA drafted up, but it’s just standard practice… I helped write them myself.” 

We looked at each other. Of course this was everything we had ever wanted, but it was also a lot to think about. 

“There’s no way that we could afford any of that,” Thea finally spoke up, saying what we were all thinking. “What about our jobs? Our pets?”

Hongjoong shook his head. “Cost is on us… what we are asking for is a lot, I know. We’ve already discussed arrangements with your jobs, and my understanding is that you’re either on some form of break from them, or you can work remotely, correct?” 

“You contacted our jobs without asking us first?” Nikki asked, giving Hongjoong a sharp look. 

He sighed. “I wanted everything lined up before I put the offer on the table. Jobs are taken care of, and we’ve also discussed options for your pets if your current arrangements can’t continue. We want you to come with us… and want it to be as smooth as possible if you do.” He scanned our faces, trying to figure out which way we were leaning. 

“What I’m struggling with most is that you will be responsible for everything moneywise,” I said. “That’s a lot to ask from you guys, even if you are offering.”

Christie nodded in agreement. “I’m pretty sure I can speak for all of us when I say we don’t want it to seem like we are using you.” 

Hongjoong laughed. “None of us feel that way, I promise you. We are the ones coming up with this idea, not you. Would it make you feel better if I said we would handle all travel, lodging, and concert expenses, but everything outside of that was your responsibility?” 

“You had me until concert expenses,”  I said. 

“That one is non-negotiable for us… if you come to the concert, you will have the best seats available, or will be backstage. I wasn’t aware that your tickets were upgraded for this show, but I’m glad they were. What concerts you attend is up to you, going to each one isn’t a must for coming along.” He looked at Christie, his eyes soft. “We just want your company.” 

“Give us a minute, please,” Christie said, holding up one of her fingers. She stood up and motioned for the rest of us to follow her. We moved to the back of the room to discuss amongst ourselves, leaving Hongjoong scrolling on his phone and lounging against the entertainment center. 

“I mean… we’re obviously saying yes, right?” Thea whispered. Her eyes were glittering with excitement. 

“I think we would be stupid not to…” Nikki mumbled. 

Christie looked at me. “We could ask Gale to take Scout and Loki back home with her. We already know they love it there, and she loves to spend time with her grandkids…” 

I beamed at my friends. “Sounds like we’re going on a hell of a vacation.”

Thea grabbed onto Nikki and I’s arms, pulling us back towards Hongjoong at the front of the room. Christie followed behind, walking around us towards Hongjoong to lean beside him.  “What do we need to sign?” she asked, smiling. 

Hongjoong grinned before bending down to kiss her cheek. His ears immediately turned red, the shade almost identical to the blush forming on Christie’s face. “Uh… be right back. I need to grab the paperwork…” He scurried out of the room quickly, ears still flaming. 

There was commotion outside the door once he opened it, a slew of voices all asking questions simultaneously. Hongjoong immediately looked flustered and yelled something about not going in yet, but I couldn’t make anything else out once the door closed. He returned just as swiftly, clutching a pile of papers in one hand and some pens in the other. He handed us each a small stack, making sure to give us each the correct contract. 

“We won’t be needing those,” Nikki said, waving him away when Hongjoong tried to hand her a pen. “We came prepared.” She pulled out a pen from her bag, watching us closely as we scrambled to find our own. We jokingly carried these to each concert, each one labeled with NDA Pen in bold white lettering. Nikki made them for us years ago, and it was a tradition to bring them. 

“Please tell me you haven’t used these before,” Hongjoong joked once he read the words on them. He raised an eyebrow at Christie, who quickly looked over to Thea laughing.

Thea smirked, playing with the pen between her two index fingers. “Actually… this is my second time using it.”

Hongjoong looked astonished. I’m sure when he asked he was not expecting any of us to actually say yes. “With who!?” 

“I can’t disclose that information… That's the point of an NDA.” Thea retorted, her face smug. 

“It was definitely more than a tip…” I mumbled. 

Hongjoong turned back to me, his eyes wide. “What was that?” He was desperately trying to figure it out, and it was absolutely hilarious. He spun back to Thea. “I take it they know?”

“We were there… of course we know,” Christie teased. Hongjoong gave her puppy dog eyes, sticking out his lower lip. I was waiting for Christie to fold. She had no resolve for soft Captain in photos or videos, and I could only imagine what was going through her head with him in front of her eyes. Nikki kicked her in the shin, taking Christie’s focus off Hongjoong long enough to drag her to the table. 

“You’ll never get it out of us,” Nikki said, looking back at Hongjoong and ignoring Christie’s pained cries. “It’ll take a lot more than a damn pouty face.”

“Good to know,” Hongjoong smirked, glancing over at Christie. 

Christie squeaked beside us, but it didn’t appear that Hongjoong heard her. Our focus turned to reading the contracts and NDAs. Everything within them seemed very straight forward with nothing out of the ordinary. All the wording was clear, none of the jumbled confusing mess that I was expecting. I signed along the dotted line without hesitation, grabbing the rest of the papers off the table to hand to Hongjoong. 

“So, do you own us now?” I asked, somewhat joking, but also very serious. 

He smirked once again. “I wouldn’t put it that way.” He tapped the papers against his thighs, cleaning up the stack. “I’ll take these to the lawyers… we’ll talk about plans for Chicago when I come back.” 

He walked slowly to the door, thumbing through the paperwork to make sure we signed everything, pausing once he reached it. “I’m really happy you decided to come.” He smiled back at us, opening the door to yet another commotion outside of it. This time, Hongjoong did not shut the door behind him. “Everything is in order, you can go in now.” 

The rest of Ateez came darting in. They must have been told to stay outside the door, waiting very impatiently on what our answer was going to be. I laughed as San collided with me, lifting me up and spinning me around in one swoop. I tightened my arms around his neck once he lowered me to the ground. 

“I take it you know we’re coming,” I said, beaming at him. 

San looked so happy and excited, his eyes sparkling and dimples deep as he smiled. He pulled me closer, tucking me into his chest. One of his hands left my waist to rest on my face before kissing me deeply. I wanted nothing more than to lose myself in his soft lips, but San pulled away.

“My treasure, I’ve never been happier.” His hand never left my cheek, his thumb stroking lightly. 

“San-ah, why do you always try to keep our girl to yourself?” Wooyoung sassed from behind me. His hands landed on my hips, squeezing soundly. He tugged at me slightly, a subtle way of letting San know to loosen his grip. 

“I don’t… you just didn’t get to her first.” 

San kissed me once more before letting go. Wooyoung pulled me into his chest, encircling his arms around my waist to keep me snug against him, all the while kissing along my neck and face playfully. I laced my fingers in his hair to keep him close as he continued giving those sweet kisses, giggling the entire time, my other hand resting on top of his hands clasped around me.

“We weren’t allowed in until you made a decision,” he mumbled between kisses. “Captain didn’t want us to sway you.” 

I relaxed into him, laughing. “Hongjoong made the right call, this would have made me say yes immediately.”

Hongjoong must have heard me, since he pulled his focus off Christie to look at us, smirking at San and Wooyoung. “I’m glad you agree with me, Alexis…” he said with a wink. “Nobody else liked that decision. Now, we need to discuss Chicago.” His last statement was intended for everyone in the room.

Wooyoung huffed against me, scrunched his face, and stuck his tongue out at their leader, but said nothing. Instead, he spun me around to face him, holding my chin securely in his fingers. His eyes immediately became heavy, staring deep into my own. “Jagiya,” he whispered, “I can be much more persuasive than this.” He pressed his lips against mine, coaxing them open just enough to slide his tongue over my own to tease me. He nipped my bottom lip when he pulled away, leaving me clutching the sides of his hoodie and wanting more.

“Now who’s hogging our girl?” San said, a twinge of fake jealousy in his voice. 

Wooyoung laughed and pressed one last kiss to my cheek, but let me go to take San’s outstretched hand.  He intertwined his fingers with mine, walking us towards the others sitting amongst the couches and on the floor while Wooyoung followed behind with his hand on the small of my back. There wasn’t much room left, so the three of us huddled behind the couch. San settled himself behind me, placing one hand on the couch and the other possessively around my waist. 

“Woo isn’t the only one who can be persuasive…” he breathed so quietly no one else could hear. 

San pulled me deeper into his broad chest, digging his fingers into my hip bones. He brushed his lips against my skin, his breath hot. For a moment, I forgot everything else, only focusing on the feeling of his lips. I gripped his forearm, inhaling deeply. He continued this along my neck, occasionally pressing more firmly, but it ended much too soon. Once Hongjoong spoke, San's lips left and all attention turned to his captain.

Hongjoong was standing in front of everyone, looking very much like a leader when he addressed the room. “Every other arrangement is in order, except for Chicago.” He looked at Christie sitting next to Yeosang on the couch. “I’m assuming you will need to go home, correct? What are your plans for leaving here?”

Christie nodded. “Nikki, Alexis, and I are going to drop Thea off at the airport tomorrow before heading back home. We have a fifteen hour drive, but we were planning on doing it all at once.”

“Can we fly you guys home too, since you aren’t coming to the concert tomorrow?” Yeosang asked, looking at Christie with concerned eyes. 

“Ya’ll are crazy if you think I’m leaving my car here,” Nikki spoke up, slightly annoyed. “We will be just fine.” 

Seonghwa calmly placed his hand on Nikki’s shoulder. She was resting casually against Seonghwa’s legs while sitting next to Mingi on the floor. “Nobody said you wouldn’t be. I think what we really need to decide is when you guys will meet us in Chicago, right?” He looked up at Hongjoong, who nodded.

“Correct. We have the second show tomorrow, fly out the day after. First Chicago show is the following Friday… so five days off. We planned on doing some sightseeing since we have a bit of down time. How much time do you guys need back home?”

“I hope I’m not out of place for saying this, but selfishly I would like it if you came as soon as possible,” Yunho stated. He had his arm wrapped around Thea and brought her in closer to him as he spoke. 

Hongjoong ran his fingers through his hair. “This is exactly why you weren’t allowed in…” he mumbled. He looked at Christie, Nikki, Thea and I intermixed amongst his group. “The decision is yours. You are welcome to come as early, or as late, as you want.”

“Christie and I need to make sure Scout and Loki can go with Gale… but realistically I think we would like a couple of days at home to get everything together,” I said, getting nods of agreement from my friends. San squeezed me, tracing his fingers along my hip. 

“So… if tomorrow is a travel day, we spend two days at home, fly out the following day?” Christie asked, looking at each of us for confirmation before settling on Hongjoong. “If that could work.” 

“I’ll get flights booked,” Hongjoong said matter of factly, pulling out his phone. “Thea, I’m assuming you’ll fly out of Nashville, and I already found a direct flight to O’Hare from JFK.” He looked up at Christie, Nikki, and I. “Would that work?”

We all nodded. New York was only a couple of hours drive from us, and we often went there for long weekends or any major flight. It was nothing new for us. 

“Preferably an early flight…” Jongho mumbled, earning a glare from Hongjoong but laughter from the other members. 

It seemed all was settled and in order. Hongjoong had a staff member book all of our flights immediately and transferred the tickets to our phones. Jongho got his wish with our flight leaving at 8am and Thea’s at 10:20. All numbers were exchanged finally, and a mass group chat was created for all twelve of us. We mingled with everyone for a little while longer until a staff member informed Ateez that their cars were ready to take them back to the hotel. 

“Can you come back with us?” Mingi asked, his eyes hopeful as they went between Hongjoong and Nikki. “Just for a little bit?” Nikki didn’t hide away when Mingi draped his arm around her, instead she relaxed into his body. 

The other members were echoing his question to each of us, besides Hongjoong of course, although he was looking at Christie waiting for an answer. The four of us shared a look, knowing what we wanted to do and what we should do were two very different things. Thea’s flight left at 7:35, meaning she would need to be there by 5:30am. We still needed to pack, load up the car, and make sure the BnB was ready for checkout. 

To make matters worse, San wound his arms around me, completely enveloping my body as he brought me into his chest. “Just a couple of hours, treasure,” he hummed, kissing along my neck, letting his lips linger along my jaw. “It would be more than worth it.” He wasn’t kidding when he said that he could be persuasive, too. 

I let my head roll back against his shoulder with a sigh, twisting my head to kiss his cheek. “You’re going to have all the time in the world with me, Sannie. But tonight, I need sleep. It’s already late.” 

“What if I want your time now?” he pouted, burrowing into my neck. He peppered more kisses, the pout quickly leaving his lips as each one became more sensual. “There’s more than one place you can sleep… and I’m a great cuddler.” 

God damn. This man was making it near impossible to stay strong. A night cuddling San, if not more, was hard to pass up, but I was not going to let myself cave. I inhaled deeply, reminding myself to not give in. “San, as much as I want to, I can’t. Great cuddler or not, I need a semi-decent night’s sleep… and I’m not sure I’d get that going back with you.” 

It appeared that we were all on the same page of needing to go back to the BnB tonight. Mingi definitely looked like a pouty princess once again, Seonghwa looking a little down next to him as they were speaking with Nikki. Yunho was working hard at convincing Thea to come along, while Jongho stood beside her, listening. Thea was not budging, and something the two of them would learn very quickly was how strong willed she was. Yeosang was nodding while Christie spoke, looking only slightly disappointed when she shook her head. Hongjoong’s arms were crossed, his face expressionless.

“I hate to say it, but I agree with our girl,” Wooyoung said. San was shocked, completely taken off guard by his friend. Woo just shook his head, disregarding San and focusing only on me. “We get to sleep, they don’t. They have a fifteen hour drive, we don’t. I don’t blame Alexis for waiting to go home… we both know she wouldn’t get any rest coming with us.”

I was so surprised to hear this from Wooyoung. It was like he and San had traded places, their reactions to me wanting to go back to the BnB completely opposite of what I expected. San was supposed to be the sweet, caring one, Woo every bit wild and lustful, not the other way around. The change of attitude was more than welcome on my part, both showing me there was more to them than my initial impressions. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I want you to come to the hotel just as badly,” he mumbled, running a hand through his long hair while he looked at the ground. He seemed embarrassed, his eyes lacking that wild edge when they flicked up to meet mine. 

I peeled San’s arms off me, stepping towards Wooyoung. I threw my arms around him, colliding with enough force that he took a half step back. He caught himself, his arms wrapping around my torso in an attempt to steady himself further. I buried my face in the crook of his neck. It took a moment for Wooyoung to relax, but once he did he was clutching onto me just as tightly. 

“You know, you can be pretty sweet when you want to,” I teased, toying with the back of his hair while we held each other.

Woo laughed. “I’m much more than just a pretty face, I thought you figured that out already.” There was that sass, even if it was milder than usual. 

“You’re still sweet, Woo, even if it doesn’t last too long.” I kissed his cheek and Woo spread his fingers against my back, melting our bodies together. I loved the feeling of his hands on me, especially in these softer moments. 

Wooyoung leaned away, grabbing my chin once again. I expected him to have a smartass remark, but he just looked at me, the corner of his mouth turned up in a faint smile. His hand moved from my chin to tangle in my hair, eyes soft as they stared deeply into mine. Our lips met softly in a sweet kiss. 

“Go pack and get some sleep.” Woo let me go, but not before pecking my lips a final time. 

San scooped me back up the instant I was free, taking my face into both of his hands and kissing me. He sighed as he pulled away, resting his forehead against mine and stroking his thumbs along my cheek. His eyes seemed dimmer than before. 

“Sannie, it’s four days,” I said, placing my hands over his. 

He pressed his mouth onto mine, full of longing, before tapping a quick peck to my nose, but letting his lips linger after his kiss to my forehead. “Four days too long… and you need to promise me something.” 

I removed San’s hands from my face and took a small step backwards, instantly worried. “What’s that?” 

He closed what little space I had created, reaching for my hips. He pulled me back, my hands landing on his chest. “You’re all mine night one.” He was beaming at me, that sparkle reentering his eyes. “I’d like to take you on a date.” 

Relief washed over me, my brain always expected the worst. My fingertips drug along his chest when I moved my arms around his neck, a smile returning to my face. “I think I could pencil you in.” He scrunched his nose at me, but pressed those glorious lips back onto mine with a grin. 

“Ateez, time to go.” A staff member’s stern voice echoed through the room, breaking up everyone’s goodbyes. “And before you ask, we have someone to walk the girls back to their car.”

San kissed my forehead. “Text us when you’re back at the BnB… okay?” He was so concerned. It was a new thing for me to have someone be so worried about my well being. 

I nodded, smiling. “Like I wouldn’t.” 

Everyone made their way to the door, filing out into the hallway. San and Woo each snuck one last kiss before they were herded away by Seonghwa, but they weren’t the only ones trying to get some last minute hugs and kisses in. Yunho was making a show of picking Thea up, threatening to stow her away in a car, pecking her forehead when he put her down. Jongho wrapped her up the second Yunho set her back on the ground, pressing a kiss to her cheek. Seonghwa also attempted to round them up, waving them down the hallway. He ducked back to quickly hug Nikki, telling her he would see her soon with a kiss on her temple. Mingi, on the other hand, hugged her for what I’m sure was an eternity by Nikki standards. Yeosang had Christie by the hand and kissed it softly before Hongjoong pulled him away, saying they needed to get going. Captain once again surprised me by kissing Christie’s cheek. He brought up the rear, making sure none of the members managed to break away from the herd. 

We followed the other staff member in the opposite direction. I quickly recognized him as our driver from Fort Worth. He told us his name was Joon, and that he would be the primary staff member assigned to us. It was weird, hearing him say that. I remember reading in the contract that we would have a staff member with us a majority of the time, especially if we needed a driver and just for some overall security if we weren’t with the group, but didn’t realize we would have one designated just for us.

Once we got to the car we exchanged numbers after he informed us that he and Angela would be our contacts for anything we needed. We were all happy knowing that Angela was involved, her face familiar and comfortable now. Joon left once we were safely in the started and locked car, giving us a half wave and smile as he walked off.

“What in the actual fuck did we just get ourselves into?” Nikki asked bluntly. Thea, Christie, and I burst into laughter at her crassness, before turning somber. We were all wondering the exact same thing, but what a trip this was sure to be. 

__________

*Nikki’s POV*

I should be packing, but I was frozen on my bed looking at the mound of clothes thrown around the room. They were piled everywhere from my frantic looking earlier in the night. I could not find my black lace shirt that I had been determined to wear, and of course it was packed haphazardly at the bottom of my suitcase. 

Groaning, I lifted myself off the bed and resituated myself on the floor, forcing myself to tackle the mess. I didn’t take the time to fold anything, instead just throwing it into the open suitcase. There was a high probability that it wouldn’t close, but that was a problem for tomorrow morning.

I laid back on the plush carpet, rubbing my eyes and willing myself to become tired. We had to be up and going in just a few short hours, and I was torn between curling up in bed in an attempt to sleep or going into the kitchen to make coffee. There wasn’t a single ounce of me that felt like sleeping, my adrenaline still running high from tonight. If anything, I could let Alexis or Christie take the first portion of the drive while I relaxed in the backseat if I didn’t end up sleeping. Neither would let me hear the end of it, but I would rather not risk driving with sleep deprivation. 

I sat back up, running a hand through my curled black hair and pursing my lips as I weighed out my two options. Making a decision, I stood up and shuffled to the kitchen, popping a kcup into the keurig and hearing it hum to life. I plopped down on one of the stools around the counter while I waited for it to brew. As I aimlessly scrolled through my phone, I couldn’t help smiling at the messages from Seonghwa and Mingi. 

Typically, I wasn’t one to get all soft and fluffy about cute shit, but they both had me feeling some type of way. I was glad nobody was in the kitchen to see me grinning like an idiot at freaking text messages. If I thought Alexis and Christie wouldn’t let me hear the end of willingly going to the back seat, I couldn’t imagine what they would say about this. That wasn’t even adding Thea into the mix, who undoubtedly would be relentless with knowing I had caught the fluffs. I switched to another form of self torture, reels, sending them to Christie, Thea, and Alexis for a nice little wake up in the morning. My phone going off surprised me, especially when Mingi’s name popped up. 

MG- You up? 

I rolled my eyes. What a typical fuck boy message, even though Mingi was anything but off stage. 

N- Always. 

MG- If I ask nicely will you come to the hotel? I can’t sleep. 

N- Is this you asking nicely?

MG- Nikki will you pretty please come see me at the hotel?

Holy shit. Hollllllllllly shit. He followed up his message by dropping a pin of the hotel’s address and his room number. I had no plans of sleeping anyway… what would it hurt to not sleep in the company of a fine ass Korean man with tree trunks for thighs?

Without a second thought I stood back up, ignoring the steaming cup of coffee and going back to my room. The sweats and crop top I was currently wearing were fine, but I needed my converse and keys. I slid the shoes on my feet in a rush, grabbing the keys off the bedside table, taking care to be as quiet as I could moving through the house. No part of me wanted to wake anyone up. 

I opened Maps the moment I got in the car. The hotel was close, only about 15 minutes away. With it being so late, or early, I don’t know which one it would be, there would be few to no cars on the road, letting me speed with ease and without the worry of any traffic. I texted Mingi to let him know I was on my way, hoping and praying that nobody would hear the car engine start. 

My thoughts were racing similarly to how I was speeding down the freeway, wondering what would come of tonight. I’ve been not so secretly wanting to get my grabby hands on Mingi, and this may be the perfect opportunity to do so. Up until now things have been slow, especially when compared to Alexis and her damn sammich. I couldn’t complain too much, since both Mingi and Seonghwa had become a bit more affectionate. I’m sure some of that was my own doing, my aversion to physical touch being no secret, but I was more than willing to make an exception for those two. 

I gripped the steering wheel tightly when I pulled into the hotel, forcing myself to take a deep breath. My heart was pumping loudly in my chest and I needed to get myself under control before I went up to the room. It wasn’t like I hadn’t been around Mingi before, but this was completely uncharted territory and my head was already spinning with possibilities. 

“Get a fucking grip,” I mumbled to myself, removing the key from the ignition and getting out of the car. 

I looked up at the towering building, inhaling deeply once more before I walked towards the sliding glass doors at the entrance. I pretended like I knew where I was going, smiling faintly at the desk worker as I walked by, but kept my eyes peeled for the elevators. I found them quickly and clicked the up button, but felt like I waited an eternity for one to reach the ground floor. I practically jumped in the second the doors opened, fumbling slightly when I pressed his floor number. 

The door dinged open on floor 15 and I felt my heart rate pick up again in anticipation as I moved down the hallway. My eyes were locked on the plaques lining the walls,  1510…1512…1514… stopping once I hit 1516. I double checked the messages to make sure I didn’t fuck up the room number before knocking quietly on the door. 

There was a soft rustling on the other side, followed by the unmistakable click of a deadbolt. Mingi opened the door, wearing nothing but a smile and a pair of gray sweatpants, hair still damp from what I assumed was a shower. God damn did he look fucking good, the outline of his abs he rarely showed was significant, and I found myself staring at them unabashedly before pulling my eyes back to his face.

He ran a hand through his dark hair, some residual water dripping off the blue ends as his fingers slid through it. “Hey,” he said rather sheepishly, stepping aside and motioning me in with an open arm. 

I stepped over the threshold with a smile and my arms crossed, looking around the room after I took a few steps in. It wasn’t a suite or anything, but still one of the fanciest hotel rooms I’d been in. There was a designated seating area to the left, and the bed at the far right was immaculate, most definitely a king covered with a pristine white and gold duvet. 

I heard the lock click back into place and I turned around just in time to frantically grab onto Mingi as he lunged at me full force. His full lips crashed onto mine, his hands latching onto my face as his long fingers wound to the nape of my neck. I stumbled backwards, desperately clinging to his toned waist to keep from completely falling over. 

Mingi dipped his head, shifting his angle to deepen the kiss, prodding my lips open with his tongue. He moved one of his hands, his fingertips brushing down my spine so lightly he was leaving goosebumps, only stopping to grab my ass. I gasped at the sudden squeeze, giving Mingi better access into my mouth. His kiss turned frantic, his tongue rolling through my mouth like he was desperate to know every inch of it. The hand at the back of my neck was applying firm pressure, keeping our lips and tongues tangled together. 

I wrapped my arms around his waist, tightening them to the point our bodies were flush together, letting myself fully lose what little control I had left. It was like my brain had suddenly clicked on realizing that Mingi was doing everything I’d only dreamed about. Now I was kissing him back just as wildly, and I couldn’t help but smile against his mouth at the hardness that had begun to form beneath his sweats. 

He groaned at the slight friction, fingers digging into the flesh of my ass as he squeezed. “Fuck,” he moaned, pulling my hips further into him and grinding as best he could against me. 

Mingi peeled my arms from around his waist and moved them to his neck before he bent down and used those giant hands to grab just below my ass. He picked me up easily when he stood back to full height, my legs flailing for a moment before I hooked them around his waist. 

Our tongues never disconnected as he walked us toward the bed. I found myself clinging onto him for dear life, my fingers gripping his hair like it was the only thing keeping me from crashing onto the floor. He deposited me on the edge with care, his hands roaming to the bottom of my crop top once I was securely on the bed. Mingi kneeled between my open legs, breaking our lips apart for the first time in what felt like hours, and my hands settled onto his bare shoulders. 

He tugged at the thin black fabric, letting his thumbs run underneath the hem along my skin. His chest was rising and falling rapidly, still trying to catch his breath from our fevered makeout. I was struggling to do the same and the way Mingi looked at me was doing nothing to help my breathlessness. His eyes were glassy, lips red and swollen. 

Those long fingers dug into my back, his thumbs moving further up my chest. His eyes were searching my face for any indication that he needed to stop as he inched up slowly, a far cry from his rushed attack when I walked in. He smiled and bit his lip when he didn’t find any hesitation, finally allowing his thumbs to rub across my nipples, hiking up my shirt as he did. We both inhaled sharply, him from the sight of my basically bare chest, me from his touch. 

He paused once more, pulling his gaze off my breasts and back to my face, looking at me through heavy lids. “Can I take this off?” he breathed, his fingertips applying some pressure to my back as his thumbs made soft circles over my nipples. His eyes were back to questioning, asking for complete assurance before anything else happened. I appreciated the need for clarity, but couldn’t help my response. 

I scoffed at him, gripping his shoulders. Mingi threatened to pull away, seeming unsure of himself now, but I looped my legs around him, keeping his torso against the bed and his hands teasing my breasts. “Mingi, take off my fucking clothes.” 

Hunger flashed into his eyes, and I could have sworn I saw them flicker into a deep red for a split second. Trick of the lighting, I told myself, before my ability to think entirely was thrown away by Mingi ripping the shirt off me. The lull in the frenzy was gone in an instant as Mingi shook his head and threw me back onto the bed. He maneuvered me into the center of the blankets with practiced ease, sweeping the sweats off my legs as he climbed on top of me. 

His knees were straddling my body, using his forearms on either side of my head to support his weight so his chest wasn’t completely crushing me. One of my hands reached for his head, the other his hip to pull him down on top of me. I was desperate for his lips and some pressure against my throbbing center. 

He collapsed onto my chest, one hand now clutching the back of my head and the other teasing between my thighs. Mingi pulled on my hair, angling my chin up to the ceiling to give him more of my neck to nip and suck along. I was already shuddering against him and he hadn’t even fully touched me. The anticipation was killing me, but Mingi would not stop tracing delicately around my thighs, only applying the faintest amount of pressure when he finally let his thumb settle on my clit. 

I breathed out a moan when Mingi slid his index finger into my slit. He pulled some of my dripping arousal upwards, now rubbing circles and deepening the pressure on my clit. My head flung back, my neck arching off the bed further. Mingi licked up the column of my throat, tilting his hips towards me so that I could feel every twitch of his rock hard cock. There was no way that this man was wearing any underwear, and I needed those sweats off, now. 

Mingi added another finger, sliding them both in and out while scissoring them slightly. He leaned back, still securely holding my hair within his fingers so I had no choice but to stare into his eyes. His pupils were already blown out, his irises looking hazy in an unnatural mix of colors. 

“You are so fucking pretty.”. 

I hooked a thumb in the waistband of his sweats, palming his thick length through the material with my other hand. He groaned at the touch, throwing his head back as he ground into my hand.  “Yeah, enough of that bullshit please.” I snapped the elastic, running my hand slowly up his dick. “These need to come off.” 

Mingi smirked, biting his lower lip. He untangled his hand from my mess of black hair and sat back on his heels to ease down his pants, his painfully erect dick springing out against his toned torso as soon as they were pulled down. He threw the pants to the side, a soft thud sounding as they connected with the wall. I took a deep breath, taking in every inch of his naked body. He was long and thick, his cockhead already seeping. 

He removed his relentlessly teasing fingers from my center, immediately rubbing them along his dick. His eyes rolled back as he stroked himself, coating his cock with my arousal. It was a fucking sight to see, and the colors were swirling in his eyes when his gaze returned to me. There was something a little unsettling about the way he was staring at me, a look oddly reminiscent of the one from my dream tromp through woods, but also one that had me more desperate for him.

Mingi looked hungry for me in every sense of the word as he took me in. I propped myself up on my elbows to meet him, taking his face into my hand and pulling his mouth back onto mine. He growled against me, throwing his weight forward so my back bounced off the bed when it hit. The kisses were back to messy and frantic, his lips so wild that his teeth knocked against mine. The tip of his cock was nudging against my soaking folds, teasing its entrance with every little movement. 

He rolled his hips suddenly, thrusting his entire length into me without so much of a warning. He bottomed out against me with such force I was seeing a rainbow of colors inside my eyelids and gasping against his mouth to catch my breath. Mingi took that opportunity to bite my lower lip, tugging on it so hard it felt like it was going to rip off my face. When I opened my eyes I wasn’t met by Mingi’s soft brown gaze, I was face to face with thirsty red eyes. 

He pulled them away quickly, so quickly I still thought to myself I had to be imagining it, but any additional questions left my brain as soon as Mingi took one of my nipples into his mouth. He was sucking and licking so seductively, a much softer action than his initial jab into my pussy. 

“Fucking shit, Mingi,” I moaned. He was pacing himself now, sliding his cock in and out of me at a more measured speed. The head was gliding over my g-spot, giving enough stimulation that I was teetering closer to the edge, but not enough to send me over.

Mingi paused his ministrations to look up at me, his eyes back to swirling under his eyelashes. My right breast was a mottled mess of red and purple, littered with teeth marks. “You sound just as fucking pretty, too, moaning my name like that.” 

Fucking compliments. Before I had a chance to smart off, Mingi’s hand was around my throat with enough pressure that I gasped at the sudden restriction. He loosened it, but my hand was over top of his in a flash, urging him to tighten his fingers. The lack of oxygen was intoxicating, the dizzying feeling only adding to the pleasure growing in my core. The growl that left his man’s throat was borderline inhuman, and now there was no denying the scarlet eyes that were staring deep into my icy blues. 

Regardless of the little apprehension I had, we were both too far gone to stop, the only thing on our minds was fucking each other senselsess. I was transfixed by those damn red eyes. There was something mesmerizing about them, and I felt like they were pulling me deeper into my own pleasure as they stared into me. Mingi began thrusting into me soundly, chasing his own release while I was climbing to my own. Now his cock was bruising against my g-spot, hitting it every single time he rolled his body. I clutched those tree trunks of thighs, digging my nails into them. 

“Fu- Fuck fuck fuck,” Mingi gasped, flexing his fingers against my throat. He dropped his forehead against mine, breathing heavily, but never slowing. 

His other hand found my clit again, rubbing smooth circles that were a stark contrast to his frantic pumps in and out of me. I was closer and closer to reaching my own orgasm, each drag of his cock and swirl of his fingers threatening to push me over the cliff. It was Mingi pressing his lips against mine, breathing heavily against them and moaning my name like it was the last thing he would ever say that sent me tumbling. 

My orgasm felt like a freight train plowing through my body, sending a shockwave through my system as I screamed Mingi’s name. My back arched off the bed and my hands flung to his hair, grasping for those dark locks to keep his mouth against me. I wrapped my legs around his hips while he continued the race for his own high. It was overstimulating having his pelvis brush against my clit as I struggled to come down. 

Mingi straightened up, letting go of my throat and grabbing onto my hips to adjust their angle upwards. His hair was sticking to his forehead now, a sheen of sweat visible in the moonlight sneaking through the curtains. This new angle had him bottoming out against my cervix with each frantic thrust of his hips. I wasn’t expecting another orgasm to hit so quickly, but Mingi and I both reached the apex simultaneously. 

He shuddered as he came, my walls fluttering around him. He nearly fell back on top of me. He reached for my face, taking it into both of his hands with surprising softness. Our lips reconnected, the kiss slow, our tongues running up each other languidly. His strokes slowed while we both came down, riding out the high before they halted altogether. 

We were both breathless, staring at each other. I watched the scarlet dissipate from his pupils, only to be replaced with the normal deep brown. I inhaled deeply. As unnerving as it was, I was glad I hadn’t imagined it. There was no denying something was off now. I was debating how to bring it up to Mingi, when suddenly he was moving.

He climbed off me quickly, rolling to the side and sitting with his back against me on the edge of the bed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” he mumbled, running his hands through his sweat soaked hair. He turned around to face me, his eyes wide, filled with fear and worry. “Are you okay? How do you feel?”

I sat up, grabbing one of the pillows and using it to cover the front of my body. I crossed my arms around it, hugging it close. “Fine. I’m fine. But do you care to explain why you’re freaking the fuck out and why your eyes turned red like a fucking vampire?”

I didn’t think Mingi’s eyes could get any wider, but I was quickly proven wrong. His mouth dropped open as he stood up, quickly going to grab his sweatpants. He jumped into them, nearly falling in his haste as he searched for my clothes thrown around the room. Mingi was frazzled, to say the least. I scooched to the edge of the bed while he gathered them. He carefully placed my joggers and crop beside me. He squatted down, placing a hand on my thigh to keep himself steady while the other ran through my hair before settling on my cheek.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked quietly, his thumb caressing my cheek softly. There were tears beginning to form in the corners of his eyes, and he looked beyond frightened. 

I flung his hand off, pulling my head free from his grasp. I shook my head, pissed. “I’m. Fine. What the fuck is going on Mingi?

He dropped his head, and when he looked back up the tears were threatening to spill out. “I need to call Seonghwa…” He stood up and started to take a step away before quickly pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “Get dressed. I’ll- we’ll explain, okay?” 

Now, Mingi was scouring the room for his phone and having little luck with finding it. As annoyed as I was with the situation I needed answers, and clearly they weren’t coming without Seonghwa. Plus, I hated seeing Mingi this distressed. I quickly dressed and threw my hair up into a messy bun with the hair tie I always kept on my wrist. I vaguely remembered Mingi tossing his phone into the armchair in the little living room area before he attacked me. 

It was nestled on the cushion, threatening to be lost in the crevice on the side. I picked it up and took it to Mingi searching the bathroom counter. I tapped his shoulder. “Min…”

His head shot up and we made eye contact through the mirror. A few tears had snuck out and I could see the faint wet streaks going down his face. Mingi turned, grabbing the phone. “Go sit down… please? You’re going to want to sit…” 

I sighed, crossing my arms. He was treating me like I was something that was easily broken, and this type of treatment was not something I took too kindly too. But, I could see the pleading in his eyes as he dialed Seonghwa, begging me to listen without a fight. Instead of picking one, I stayed silent as I followed him into the sitting area. I took a seat in the armchair I found Mingi’s phone in and watched as he paced in front of me while waiting for Hwa to answer. 

Mingi jumped at Seonghwa’s voice when he picked up. He paused his pacing to run through his hands through his hair, gazing at me with a far out look in his eyes. “Hwa?” I couldn’t make out anything Seonghwa was saying, but his voice seemed slow and tired. “Yeah, I know it’s late… I need you to come to my room. I fucked up.” I barely heard my name, and Mingi buried his head in his palm at whatever Seonghwa was saying. “I can’t explain this shit on my own.” He raised his head, eyes flicking over to me as he smiled meekly. “She says she’s fine.” The call ended and Mingi resumed his pacing. “Hwa is coming…” 

I leaned back into the chair, doing nothing to hide the scowl on my face. A knock on the door came within minutes of the call ending. Mingi stumbled in his rush to the door. Seonghwa came in quickly, a wave of relief flooding over him when he set his eyes on me. As annoyed as I was, I couldn’t help but admire his sheer beauty as he walked to me. I’d seen him bare faced plenty of times, but I don’t know if I would ever get over how perfect he always seemed to look. His eyes looked tired and his platinum hair was a mess, sticking up every which way. I’m sure Mingi’s phone call woke him.

“Hey there…” he said softly as he sat down on the large round coffee table in front of me. Mingi had resumed his pacing. Seonghwa glared at him. “Min, stand still.” His kind face turned back to me with a sigh. “How are you feeling?”

I rolled my eyes. “For the one hundredth time, I feel fucking fine. I don’t know what the big concern with how I’m feeling is… but I’m sure as shit more concerned with why Mingi’s eyes were blood red.” I stared him down, not letting his sweet and worried body language deter me from being firm. 

Seonghwa turned to Mingi, who did in fact stop pacing at the elder’s request. “What happened?” Hwa’s voice was calm, but laced with a dangerous edge. 

“I lost control… I didn’t mean to… It’s never been an issue before.”

Seonghwa dipped his head, looking at his clasped hands in front of him. “I’m going to start by saying we’re both very happy you’re okay, even if you are sick of hearing it.” He lifted his head, staring at me so intensely that it stopped the smart ass remark I had at the tip of my tongue. “We don’t feed outside of dreams… or at least we haven’t in a very, very long time. We made that decision to keep ourselves and those that we fed upon safe.”

I gulped. Feeding? Dreams? What the fuck does that mean? I struggled to keep a straight face as I looked between Seonghwa and Mingi.

Mingi sat down on the couch adjacent to the armchair. He was playing with the strings on his sweats, avoiding eye contact with me. Seonghwa was the opposite, studying my face and gauging my reactions.

Seonghwa chuckled slightly, running a hand through his disheveled hair. “I’m getting a little ahead of myself… we are the same men that you’ve gotten to know these past couple of weeks, just with a little bit of an unorthodox past. There is nothing to be afraid of with us… any of us.” Seonghwa paused, searching my face for a reaction. I nodded at him to continue. “I know you have questions, and we will answer all of them truthfully. But, you need to let me explain everything about who and what we are first… from the beginning. There is only one condition to this, and I know it’s one that you are not going to like.” 

I tightened my arms around my chest, inhaling deeply. “And what’s that?”

“You can not tell Thea, Christie, or Alexis any of what I am about to share with you.” 

“You’re fucking crazy if you think I’m not going to tell them,” I seethed. 

Seonghwa sighed and shook his head. “Nikki, I don’t think you understand. If Hongjoong finds out any of you know, this will all have to end. He is not going to react kindly if he finds out our secret is no longer safe. This condition is non-negotiable.” 

I blinked hard, keeping my eyes closed for a moment to compose myself. It killed the four of us to keep secrets from one another, but I would be damned to ruin anything for them. I looked at Mingi’s pleading eyes and Seongwha’s sharp stare. “Fine, but I take no responsibility for what will happen to you both if they ever find out I knew. So now what? Are you going to tell me you’re Edward Cullen’s distant relatives?” 

Mingi laughed, a sound that was so welcome in the otherwise tense and quiet room. “Not exactly.”

The corner of Seonghwa’s mouth twitched. “From the beginning then?”