#and people trying to comfort her lol
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"...you will learn the hard way now..." Foolish One // Taylor Swift
#dirty dancing#dirty dancing edit#penny johnson#in theory robbie the creep should've appeared in this edit#but I didn't feel like blending#so it's just Penny being Sad#and people trying to comfort her lol
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So uh. MelDan ammirite? This (kinda) blew up on Insta and other socmed I use so ig I'mma upload this here too lol
It started as a crackship (and it's still is, I kinda like to jokingly them imagine them pretending to like each other but actually wanting to skin each other alive, a little ooc for both of them, but it's mostly just for fun) but rn I'm exploring the potential ""relationship"" through a more angsty lense.
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#hpma oc#hpma daniel#my art#magic awakened#daniel page#melly anderson#melly anscombe#OK SO#I think that there's many different ways these two could “work”#I could go with a safe route aka transfem!Daniel x Melly all cute and sweet#OOOOR I could make it angsty and potentially one sided#my current idea? Daniel knows Mel is a metamorphmagus and wants her to tell him who she really is#but Mel ofc doesn't really want that for many reasons#she doesn't feel comfortable sharing who she really is bc she doesn't want people to know the real her in general#if she tells Dan he'd pry more and he'd discover WHY she's pretending to be Melly and that's a no no#this frustrates Daniel to no end he's not even sure if Mel even likes him back sometimes#Mel feels bad for deceiving Daniel snd wants to be honest w him but she can't#although I do have somewhat of an idea why Mel would get involved w him like this I'm still trying to figure it out#(she's probably having a comphet phase + she feels lonely af and needs a distraction from everything + to move on from Melissa and Cass)#and maybe also Ivy? she avoids her several reasons despite feeling heartbroken to do so#real question is tho what does Dan even see in her lol#that's def smth I gotta think about lol#but yeah. it's not canon to any of my current universes it's just for some mindless fun
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cant even remember wht subgenre of acute mental illness i was living with at 18 which gave me the ability to write ashara the way i did but im so glad i went thru that shit bc a solasmancer who acts essentially as a microcosm of the present day world and reflects the exact problems solas hates so much about it but still somehow comes to love is. objectively insane. and here she is 7.5 years later and about 3x worse
#oc: ashara#her being cold and bitter and harsh and unyielding and short tempered and dismissive and vicious. on the SURFACE#until you try. until u keep trying and actually make an effort to meet her w empathy and patience#and then u get love. and warmth and dedication and curiousity thoughtfulness and light and comfort and TRUST !!!!#even if its not perfect. even if shes still impatient and stubborn and unmoving on certain things#and seeing that those things u had dismissed as cold and harsh are rly just mistranslated attempts at kindness from someone who is#trying her absolute best. and has peoples best interest at heart at the end of the day. even if she cant always convey it well#and like thats THE WORLD. thats the PRESENT babe ! thats LIFE and PEOPLE for u !!!!#obsessed w him being like i can no longer hate this world because YOU are the world . but even then it doesnt change anything lol#and its like he was already going to potentially kill her by doing what he's doing but now its like#the world and ashara are a 1:1 comparison in his head atp. man#someone COOKED here#and that someone was me on the train to claremont in 2017 every day for like 11 weeks having recently discovered pinterest lol
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Yeah sure “objectively” it makes more sense that Deb never cheated on Alice and that was just Blinky messing with her mind for his enjoyment but do you understand how funny that would be. Bill trying his best to comfort his daughter over this and having to bite back an “I told you so” every fucking second
#ramblings#starkid#nightmare time#watcher world#alice woodward#bill woodward#I dunno debs full name maybe she’ll get one one day#bliklotep#yea yea it’s unlikely but it’s fucking funny to think of bill feeling bad for his kid who just got cheated on#but also feeling so vindicated that deb did a shitty thing and that he was right#also given how the divorce went he does understand how that betrayal feels like so I think he’d do a good job of comforting her#also how would other people in her life react? I dunno#Paul would try to comfort her#Ted and Emma would both separately offer to help Alice key Debs car#her mom can’t really say anything helpful cuz she uhh. cheated on her husband#woag these tags got super rambly#sorry lol
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Unfortunately I got sucked back into my yearly glee rabbit hole and am now thinking about Brittany's silent rage during the episode after Santana was outed. Not a single joke not a single smile everyone in that room was dead to her except Santana after that.
#Glee#Glee rambles#The thing is britt thrives on the goofy unreality and sitcom nature of glee. And so does Santana it's why Brittany fell for her#But she could also see that Santana needed more. And spent S2 trying to encourage her to become Real and Serious#Even though it's not her preferred comfort zone it's worth it to see Santana flourish and thrive#And then you had one of the most important Serious episodes in Santana's character arc#And they turned it into a half hearted feel good silly special instead of actually acknowledging anything#One of the few eps Brittany would have been down for serious talks#And she had to spend it in the choir room watching people sing Perfect by Pink to her gf who just got outed#She becomes so much more ruthless and casually cruel to everyone who stands in Santanas way after this#Including Santana herself at times lol#They failed to be Real People at one of the most crucial points for Santana and she gave up on all of them#Kind of loved the aftermath from a Brittany perspective mostly hated the ep from a writing perspective
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thinking about nile having nightmares and not being able to sleep post london and then being very tired during the day and taking naps on whoever's around
#like. my heart aches for her thinking about what she's going through after london#debating whether it's safe to contact her family and knowing she'll outlive them and could put them in danger if she does contact them#her friends completely ostracizing her after she came back to life#(once again. what the fuck they should have been so happy??)#so she's completely separated from her former life and is dealing with that loss#the trauma of killing and being killed#like given that she had nightmares about the man she killed in afghanistan i imagine she would also have nightmares a#about the people she killed during the rescue#and this would bring up a lot of complicated emotions and possibly a bit of identity crisis/self reflection on her being a marine#all of this plus being dropped into a group of people who've known each other for hundreds of years + mortal andy - exiled booker#anyway... she is going through a Lot#but: going back to “tell us” i think they would try to take care of her#and talk about her nightmares#(but also. there might be reluctance from nile to share or joe/nicky/andy to ask when she wakes up gasping#because what if she dreamt of quynh. like that's a whole other dimension - do they want to hear about it because it means she's alive#or do they not want to think of her dying over and over. i imagine nile would wrestle with this at first)#ok i got off track the point is. nile taking naps on andy nicky and joe and being comforted. i think that would be nice for her and everyon#there is a lot happening emotionally and andy has to heal physically and they all need to heal emotionally#so. naptime#sorry these tags are so long lol i had more thoughts than i thought#the old guard
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maybe it's to maintain a sense of tension & turmoil that would eventually reach an explosive peak, a sense of tug-of-war, a back-and-forth to hammer home the ideals they want to deliver and for the viewers to chew on, but although these arguments regarding hiroshi & his stance as a man torn between his loyalty for his country & the loyalty for his Filipino friends and lover is of course important, how they write these scenes & the points they present from this week alone is getting too repetitive...? literally the argument scenes from last night & tonight between adelina & hiroshi is basically the same; the ideas were the same, the dynamics were the same: the aggressive, radical adelina, bristling rage and fear over the injustices she's seen thus far, and the cautious, inspiriting hiroshi, all hopefulness and reassurance one moment as a lover, defensiveness and sternness as a japanese soldier in another. this debate will be ever-present ofc, it is one of the series' biggest conflicts, but it is unfortunately so easy to tell when it is a.) being pulled up as a main topic to move the plot along / be a necessary conflict for character development/introspection / be the conflict to deliver the morals & messages the writers want to send to their viewers, or b.) when it is being pulled up only for the drama and filler to pass the time. like watching the characters sit down to argue for 10 minutes, do other things for the plot for 2 minutes, then sit down again to argue for the next 20 minutes. lol.
#lots of things i wish they would soon improve but this 1 bothered me tonight..stopped watching halfway thru#these scenes would be like excellent breaks for when we need to take a breather to digest what's been going on#but at the slow pace they've set it it's just...nothing's been going on since like...4 days ago#except for eduardo's plot#it's just arguments..everywhere....all the time....over the same repetitive things#no progress nothing new to chew on despite there being drastic changes to their situation...? same vibes from the time they weren't occupie#yet lol. same dynamics mostly#only new points of debate is regarding hiroshi & his country vs friends conflict#& carmela being desperate to go back to comfort & luxury vs her family standing as firm as they could against the occupation#ahhh i am sooo not eloquent enough to express my full thoughts but like!!! fellow viewers if y'all r here u understand me right lmfoskadhsg#finding it hard to criticize bc i'm trying to make sense of where they r coming from#a.) seeing as unlike mcai this is a complete original story it's hard to see what direction they'd like to take it to#b.) fil shows really find it hard to break away from their normal formulas of family dramas & bastard children & love triangles :'))))#god the opportunity to tell a refreshing diff story but this is like gma show 67627627th but set in the japanese era....then mixed with 50%#of the mcai show feel#the editing the visuals the acting = good. 60% of the story line = can be compared to the hundreds of gma shows we've seen be4#anywy going off on a tangent...#c.) i can understand the slow pacing as them trying to establish the settings & the feel of that era so that the more intense tragedies-#later on would hit harder#but again. few scenes feel like they're dragging on for too long. some scenes & themes r too repetitive#need to see something differenttt something fresh something developing. something moving & feeling & connecting w/the audience#need to see more of the Philippines & the Filipino people in the 40s!! not the same afternoon prime drama shot in intramuros#need to see their messages staring into our souls instead of just being words uttered in tears#all this to say....flop era this week tbh sorry#EXCEPT FOR MAX COLLINS & HER LIKE. 3 MINS SCREEN TIME. MAX COLLINS I LOVE U QUEEN#rambles#pulang araw#putting this in the main tag i KNOW some ppl out there would feel the same & can explain this better lol i swear????
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i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl don’t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said they’d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which would’ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually weren’t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so it’s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and i’m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus i’m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to people’s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict i’m blunt but i’m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so i’m not saying i don’t want to still be her friend#i’m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them i’m very much not and like. now that i’m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! i’m not gonna chase her down like they’re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space i’m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. i’m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they weren’t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when we’ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? i’m feeling like i’m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man i’m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not i’m worth#which again. kinda wasn’t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i don’t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isn’t any!!!#and i can’t deal with that! i can’t spend my life with people who aren’t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. i’m gonna stop now lol
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ive been watching sooo many vids of people doing doll restorations and doll customizations... making me both fight off the desperate urge to attempt New Hobby just because it Looks Fun and also resisting the urge to repurchase the fave barbie i had as a kid on ebay,,,,
#i dont have a job rn i dont need to be spending money on this kind of nostalgia for the latter lol#my fave was a SPECIFIC doll#well actually i had 2 faves but i think the other was like a generic one#but i specifically remember i had the 2001 nutcracker barbie + ken#who i guess were named clara and eric lol#idr if i had the kellys.... i did have a few kellys i just dunno if they were part of that set#i think i literally only had one ken doll. MAYBE two ? and one was the nutcracker guy#but his nutcracker head creeped me out so i never used it#i also think i fucked up his slicked back hair bc. well i was a child LOL#but i remember specifically those two bc of the creepy nutcracker head and bc clara had that special jointed body#since her whole thing was like the nutcracker ballet movie or w/e#and i loved the way her joints moved and clicked and her swooshy curly hair#but also when i was a kid i liked smearing makeup on my dolls LOL#so like. watching restoration and custom vids and seeing how people Actually pull that off in a more professional way#it awakens that inner childhood interest lol#and like i HAVE a lot of the supplies already for that. i have paints and pastels and a billion craft supplies ive accumulated over years#which makes it all the more tempting to buy a used doll off like ebay or a thrift store or something for funsies#that would be more affordable than trying to win a bid war for clara 😑 LOL#but i mean. if i do end up employed with a comfortable salary again someday#and if i have money to spare. perhaps i'd consider trying to get clara lol i know shes out there#but also im not willing to spend THAT much so i probs still wouldnt#tho maybe i can find one thats kinda fucked up and try to clean her idk . IDK IM JUST DAYDREAMING FOR NOW#ugh who wants to reminisce with me tho LOL#i can vaguely see the plastic bin of barbies i had as a kid in my mind...#there was this other barbie i had that i liked... idr anything special about her tho i just liked her hair#it was like a specific type of blonde that was like a warm blond and was soft i think. maybe a lil dirty blonde color idk#maybe i liked her face too idk i just know there was one that stood out to me#despite like nothing of significance about her LOL#she was another white blonde bitch in my collection
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Now he’s trying to lie when he literally tagged Princeton like 5 fucking time. White people are so evil, bro. They always know what they’re doing when they do shit like that. With the attempt to bring harm to Black people who they want to “get out of the way,” because they don’t think that we belong in the same spaces as them while at the same time, believing they should be allowed INTO our spaces and afforded hospitality and a whole red carpet rolled out. The sad thing is, she has connections to the industry because of her uncle and name so what if this was just a random Black woman who worked for Princeton without this kind of protection at all…?
#I’m glad that she’s alright though#why is he trying to dumb down what he intended by saying that ‘she was trolling so I trolled back’ like she like many other black people#are always dead serious when we tell whites and nbs to stay out of black folks business#simply put#he just got offended since a black woman told him to stay in his own lane#he dumb ass didn’t even know who she was even though he’d interviewed her family multiple times before#a Russian making millions off of black culture what a joke#black people gotta be tired of being used#one day man#the sad thing is of course black men hate black women sm that they were defending vlad on his behalf (not surprised lol)#and I saw other black women being pick me’s going on about ‘what makes her SO much more special than other black people-‘ like are you….#do you bitches have rocks for brains or… these same people are the reasons why nbs and whites will always feel comfortable coming into our#shit and wrecking the place you guys don’t stand for anything and you allow others to trample over your own people#stand up one day#the sad thing is#ppl are still gonna go onto his platform to allow him to interview them and make money off of their name#this is one of the first times that I’ve seen black people really get in vlad’s ass though because what he tried to do to this black woman#was absolutely vile and this is the kind of shit that gets black people killed and put into bad positions#fucking loser#rambling
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poäng appreciation post 💛
#i forget if i said but Baby Sister and i stopped off at ikea on the way back from picking her up at the bus stop on monday#and finally replaced the ruined-by-a-succession-of-cats-(in-ways-both-unsightly-and-gross) Accent Chair in the living room#with a poäng rocker (bc the shape is a little more interesting and less instantly recognizable than the regular chair) in birch (my beloved#also they make fancy tufted cushions for it now! wish they came in more colors but it's a real improvement on sad options past#and anyway it's like. now you can actually sit here in the morning and look out the window at the extremely beautiful view#and the chair actually supports you??? like i could see down the road trying to work out some kind of custom cushioning that's thicker#but the shape of the frame is so ergonomic for me that it's genuinely quite comfortable regardless. bentwood exocorset…#anyway. not a very original post but i just DO really love ikea#like yes it's a mixed bag but also honestly if you're buying particle board—#(i was going to say 'and expecting it to hold up' but. honestly i think it's just. if you're buying particle board period)#—that might be on you.#(like. if you're being pressed in from all sides by budget constraints and immediate need and no accessible better-made used alternatives—#obviously you do what you have to. but it's like buying pleather—you know‚ or should‚ that the material is going to disintegrate.)#but the things ikea makes with decent materials are remarkably well-designed and affordable for what they are‚ has been my sense?#you just gotta shop carefully but like. that's true literally everywhere.#anyway. in conclusion i love my new buddy with its clean lines. …do people name chairs ever.#i've never before had the urge but this one feels like a little assembly-line friend that deserves its own identity. like a star wars clone#(lol what if i gave it a little nametag somewhere hidden. secret identity talisman 4 chairpal.)#(& yes i promise i'm as aware of the‚ uh‚ itself-ness of this tag spiral as you are. :) )#domesticities
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gonna be honest I see anyone talking about this "my gender is more complicated than yours" shit as someone who genuinely cannot comprehend that other people that don't share certain traits with them can still in fact have rich interior lives. as an agender trans woman who uses she/her I've never had anyone say it to me who wasn't (usually unknowingly) transmisogynistic
see but im not talking about "rich interior lives" and the assumption that i am is exactly what im talking about. i am talking about the actual physical way that reality treats and percieves me in comparison to the way it treats and percieves you. saying my gender is "more complex" means to me that i am physically incapable of existing in a strictly binary world and that there is no thing i can pass as bc "binary man" and "binary woman" are both incorrect for me. and the Cisiety in question does not allow androgyny to exist - it is exclusively the timeframe people have to decide whether they think you are a cisman or a ciswoman, or a failure and a freak. i dont subscribe to that "binary privilege" shit, thats not how privilege works. but there are differences in the ways both you and i can navigate this strictly binary Cisiety!!! and those differences deserve to be named, imo
like. again. i dont have to comfort you about your own internal sense of gender before youll listen to me about my experiences in the real world as genderqueer. as a different sort of transsexual than you.
(and bc i Know what binary ppl love to say: i know not everyone is 'capable of passing'. what i am talking about specifically is the difference between being unable to pass as a cis woman or a cis man vs being unable to pass bc what i am does not exist AT ALL in a binary society, and both of those things are incorrect ans unattainable.)
(anyways if that language is too imperfect for you thats like fine but. its just confusing to me, i dont get why its hard to understand what we are talking about here. our experiences w our nonbinary genders are completely different! why do i have to discuss them like theyre the same?)
#do you consider yourself transfem first or agender first on an internal level?#do you feel like you are predominantly treated as a trans woman in your day to day? does that hurt the part of you that is agender?#< not trying to grill u or anything im genuinely curious#ive had similar convos w my transmasc and transfem nonbinary friends as well as like. my gnc binary trans friends#i am just curious bc. like i said 'binary' isnt a bad thing to be and frankly since u identify urself as agender ur not really the target a#dience here anyways?#the idea that theres no such thing as a binary trans person just#fundamentally misunderstands the extremely broad swathe of nonbinary experiences and treatments#my passing transmasc enby friends dont particularly feel touched by transphobia unless theyre clocked or unless our areas laws changed#but some DO feel like they r effected by exorsexism on a day to day by being assumed to be binary men and having the other parts of their i#entities erased#while others are completely comfortable being percieved as strictly men and moving through life strictly as men#which is sounds like. i would guess youd have a similar position since u exclusively use she/her?#like.. it sounds to me like your 'rich interior life' doesnt really have an outward effect on the way people percieve and treat you and the#way you react to it which is very different from my experience#binary doesnt mean your gender is 'simple' it just means that you are comfortable within a binary system even of you dont personally identi#y with it. and maybe this is a case of 'political identity vs personal identity'??#and all of this is FINE its just. literally every time i talk about my own unique positioning my transandrogyny or whatever gives me#people crawl out of the woodwork to tell me my experiences are not actually unique#do u see what my issue is? my own trans experiences are erased bc other people 'disagree' with . what. my perspective as an 'unaligned' enb#? when its like. literally none of us are gonna have the same needs or experiences as trans people#and if 'binary' works to show that you are fine and comfortable being percieved exclusively as a woman#and 'nonbinary' works to show i am not#i dont really see what the issue w using the word 'binary' is#like i said. its not a slur. its not a bad thing to be.#and tbh i think this insistence that 'unaligned' nonbinary ppls perspectives arent actually unique to binary or 'aligned' nonbinary ppls is#directly contributing to like. lateral bigotry coming from said 'unaligned' enbies. like if u put urself in my shoes for a second and u gre#up being constantly told you were either a cis invader who didnt actually have any trans experiences and that only people who want to 'full#transition' were REAL transsexuals then. youd be kinda jaded too right? and im sure you ARE kinda jaded lol.#anyways. sorry for rambling at you i dont have any more tags left lol
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Various sketches and doodles from today :]
The comic I plan on making this year is kind of an ambitious project for me, so I'm trying to push myself to try new things as often as possible.
I hope yall enjoy seeing the beginning of this stuff, I know it's not perfect but I can only get better!
#rosie draws#doodles#oc art#traditional art#The Anime girl will be the MC for the in universe anime in JL and The Mall#Her name is Starlight Starbright and she's a magical girl#JL watched Star Princess Adventures as a kid and it's his comfort series as an adult#She's why he wears bright red eyeliner all the time#I'm still not satisfied with JL's design and I'm just continuing to draw him slightly differently trying to get it#That's the main thing stopping me from beginning the actual comic lol#Kinda need an easily replicatable MC design for my comic haha#Also I wanna get into the habit of posting stuff that's not totally finished or I'm not totally happy with#To show my progress and also cause sometimes people like the stuff I don't think is very good
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cant sleep because im seething with anger
#been laying here for like 40 minutes fantasizing about finally snapping and telling my mom everything i really think and feel#if i ever came out to her she would end up cutting me off like she did to my aunts and uncles and cousins#basically im alone and my parents and siblings are the only family i can be in contact with right now and its isolating#off topic but yeah#i miss having a big family and people besides my parents that i could rely on. people i felt like i could actually breathe around#idk. whatever#why do i feel responsible for her actions all the time. its been my job to keep her stable and listen to her vent for years#but i never say anything about my own feelings. because she would make me feel stupid and ridicule me. lol#all she does is make me feel like shit most of the time. shes always in a bad mood and shes always whining and always pessimistic#and yeah i get along with her for the most part but lately her attitude has been weighing on me a lot. i cant criticize or disagree with her#because she'll just get mad. shes always been an angry person. thats why i hardly spoke to her from ages 10-15#maybe i jsut wanted to give her another chance. maybe i felt sympathy for her. shes had it rough her whole life#but when shes still bitter no matter how many times i comfort her and let her vent and cry to me and when she chooses her husband over me#every single time he fucks up (which is like. constantly) and always takes his side when they inevitably make up after a huge fight#it feels like i'll never be able to make her happy. it feels like i should stop trying. if she wants to be full of hatred#and have a shitty husband then fine. i cant fix her like and i cant hold the weight of her mistakes#*life
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i feel like one of the things that makes my new project so intriguing to me is just how childish and friendly it all feels. like. it's a partially-illustrated chapter book you pick up in your third-grade elementary library and never really forget nor remember. it doesn't have as much depth as some other things that i've worked on but it's so warm and that makes up for it all.
#like. if i do end up going forward with this project#i do really just wanna make it a short chapter book#with illustrations and whatnot#like. i don't think i've really gone over the plot much (because i just solidified it out today lol) but#a young girl (mila) goes missing from her royal family . she doesn't quite remember how but doesn't necessarily appose the idea either#she's autistic and still a child so royal life is unappealing to her#eventually- around 30 miles from her hometown- she ends up in a small village where she's befriended by the locals#and the creatures alike#i've forgotten to mention this but it's a high fantasy story mostly involving silly little flying fish and dragons and birds and the like#mila finds solace in these creatures as they don't expect her to follow rules that she doesn't understand#and learns all about all different types of people#when the royal family finally comes searching for her- almost 3 years later#she doesn't want to go back#as she's finally found a family of her own#that treats her with respect and cares about her own needs#like. that's about it but it all feels so childish and i'm getting used to the idea in many ways#but it deals with identity and growing up and. that's what i tend to write about#so i guess it's nothing out of the ordinary!#it's just me writing a concept that's a bit difficult to discuss for me because it seems like it'd be frowned upon by my current friends#but. i'm trying to get more comfortable with it#mila silliest ever
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I know you have to choose the option but the farewell conversation that sticks most in my head in the Gallows is with Carver where Hawke can say something along the lines of 'This is how we're supposed to be, side by side' and he tells them they know it can't be like that forever.
Like, my Hawke at least spent so much of her life building her identity in service of her family. Hawke most resembles their father no matter what, and the family is shaped around them narratively (if you're a mage or not deciding which sibling you lose first and how that class effects how those siblings feel about themselves and their place in the family) and they shape themselves around their family in turn, exist for them, takes up the role of leader after Malcolm has passed. The answers of where Hawke considers home when they're asked never felt right, because they lived on the run for so many of their formative years, the true answer feels like to me to be their home is their family, the place never mattered beyond being allowed to rest and not look over their shoulder every day.
What happens to that identity when everyone you built it around is gone? Where would they consider home when it's all said and done? The Amell estate was something they got for their mother, one of the answers they can give to Varric in Act 2 on what they plan to do now is watch over their mother, Carver tells Hawke to look after her when the expedition separates them. Then their mother is gone too.
There's no final statement for this since it's just me rambling, but it's hm, sad to think about. Who is Hawke if they aren't living for the sake of another, when all those they lived for are gone and they never felt at home anywhere but in the people they surrounded themselves with?
#ama mumbles#dragon age#dragon age 2#hawke#allyn hawke (oc)#im not writing meta this is just me rambling thoughts specifically born from trying to figure out allyns uhh problems lol#by act 3 the answers is probably their companions but eventually everyone leaves their side besides their possible li#so what do they consider home who are they when they are truly alone#my hawke is a mage which also shapes this perspective i dont know how it affects nonmage hawke#anyway carver was right and valid to want to find an identity separate from the family#bc like look how his sibling destroys themself trying to shape themselves around it#as for my own hawke id say she felt most content in lothering she briefly was feeling the same in kirkwall in act 2 but when leandra dies#part of her dies with her i suppose. shes the champion of kirkwall and its a death sentence bc shes a mage so she decides#to try and help at least make the world a bit more comfortable for any mage that comes after her#allyn and anders in act 3 shaking hands over being suicidal and throwing themselves into at least making it mean something#by helping ppl like them maybe having a better life#on that point the chantry explosion didnt feel like a axe to allyn it felt like a release. finally the hold of this place has lifted#if that makes sense lol. kirkwall was only for her mother now that shes gone allyn was waiting for an end to her stay there and it came#back to being on the run. something that felt more natural to her. maybe one day she will have a small farm again#or maybe she will live in a city with a garden if the people she surrounded herself wanted to live there#just somewhere that the noose of her family's ghosts were no longer strangling her
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