#and otherwise can make people uncomfortable
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I agree with you 100%, but also even a purely literal reading of The Metamorphosis very clearly communicates the horror and tragedy of how quickly people can detach from, dehumanize, and demonize things that they personally don't like, can't relate to/understand, or just otherwise deem Unpleasant.
EVEN IF YOU INTERPRET IT AS A GUY LITERALLY TRANSFORMING INTO A LITERAL BUG, that core theme remains totally unchanged. The reason English teachers + professors love it is because it is such an incredibly strong but simple core theme that it in fact CANNOT be "so open to interpretation that it could literally mean just about anything" to any good faith reader, but still supports a wide variety of complex deeper meanings, allusions, and parallels (such as the metaphor for disability, the inherently dehumanizing nature of capitalistic social values, the tragedy and horror and shame attached to the loss of one's ability to fulfill their own most basic needs and function independently [this of course ties strongly into the metaphor for disability/illness], the narrative's deliberate perversion of the more standard [and generally positive] caterpillar-into-butterfly transformation, dear God I fucking love analyzing this story, I could go on forever).
I really cannot relate to people who consume media in the way that that Goodreads user does because with something like The Metamorphosis, you don't actually have to be a skilled close reader, all you have to do is put yourself in Gregor's shoes. Imagine that you woke up in the body of a human-sized bug but in every other way were still you, except you could no longer communicate and you could no longer follow even the most basic routines/desires you'd dedicated your whole life to and you could no longer function on any level as an independent being, and everyone you loved and valued and worked so hard/sacrificed so much of yourself for took one look at you and went, "Ew! Gross! You should just kill yourself tbh because having to acknowledge that you exist as you now are makes us uncomfortable and your whole existence is now a burden to us."
It is absolutely unfathomable to me how anyone could read it and just go, "What a pointless and unnecessarily depressing story about some lame dude randomly turning into an icky bug and then dying."
goodreads reviewers aren't human
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I Didn’t Mean to Say I Do, but I Do. I Do. 22
Chapter 22 out of 50
Secret marriage of convenience buddie slow burn AU, where Buck and Eddie have been married for years so Buck could adopt Chris and no one at the 118 knows.
In this chapter, Buck is completely blindsided by Eddie’s sudden request to divorce. In an attempt to talk about it, they end up fighting, which makes the possibility of a divorce only more looming.
On AO3.
Ships: Buddie (slow burn)
Warnings: referenced emotionally abusive parents, insecurity
~~~
Chapter 22: Till Divorce Do Us Part
Buck nearly drops the glass he’s washing at Eddie’s words. Scrambling for a moment, before he squeaks out: “What?”
“I think we should get divorced,” Eddie repeats those horrible words, staring down intently at the dishes he’s drying instead of Buck.
“Uhm, why- wha- what brought this on?” Buck stutters, trying to be casual and failing. He can’t show how much this crushes him, can’t let Eddie know how much he wants him to stay.
Internally he is quickly combing through the past few weeks to see if he can come up with the answer himself. To see if he should have seen this coming.
With Carla in the picture things have been going better, but he didn’t realize it was ‘Buck can be replaced’-going-better. Eddie never said anything to indicate that would be the case.
Besides, financially it would be difficult to maintain Chris’s new school – which he loves – and Carla, not to mention their mortgage. So that doesn’t make sense. Though it is possible, a treacherous voice in the back of his head tells him.
He missed the school tour and Halloween, but he couldn’t do anything about it. Eddie personally tried to get him off for Halloween, he knew it hadn’t been on Buck. Is that he thinks that if he can do that alone, he can do it all alone?
It would make sense, but Eddie involved him, right? He helped prep for Buck’s tour, hell, Buck toured the school. He is registered there. Is Eddie immediately going to change that now that Chris is in? Was it just to present a more stable life to the school to get Chris in?
No, that doesn’t feel like Eddie. Eddie is kind and good, even if he’s a bitch sometimes. He pep talked Buck about getting to be there for Chris. That can’t be it. He understood.
Oh god, he must have met someone. They’d always said they would just divorce once other people got into the picture, it has always been nothing more than a marriage of convenience, not a lifelong commitment. The reminder leaves a foul taste in his mouth and he can’t help the jealousy at whatever mystery woman Eddie met. One he didn’t share anything about, he might add, even if he’s now divorcing him over her.
Not wanting Eddie to break it to him, he quickly continues talking before Eddie can. “Oh, of course, my bad. Why didn’t you say? What’s her name?”
“Maddie.”
Wait what?
“Excuse me,” Buck coughs, choking on his own spit.
Next to him Eddie flushes a brilliant shade of red, which Buck would have been able to appreciate more, were he not in the middle of getting his heart broken. Even though he really shouldn’t. Eddie has never been into him, he always knew that, but it truly felt like they were in this together, like this was a commitment on both their parts. Yet here he is.
Though, he never thought it would be Maddie. Maybe this girl Eddie met just happens to share the name or something?
He gets distracted by Eddie’s strong hand slapping him on the back until he stops coughing. His face concerned, though turns back into something horridly, awkwardly uncomfortable once Buck starts breathing normally again. It would be funny, if the circumstances were different.
“Not like that,” Eddie says and Buck can’t help but be relieved, because while he knows jealousy isn’t cool, he knows he will be insanely jealous of the woman that will quite literally snatch his husband away from him.
To cover for his relief, he hides the happy note in his voice by joking: “Good, cause otherwise Chim might kick you.”
“Shut up,” Eddie groans, still very much embarrassed, but at least not as tense anymore. “I’m trying to be nice.”
“By suddenly ambushing me with a divorce?” Buck counters, cringing when it sounds a little too raw, too accusatorial.
Eddie doesn’t meet his eyes. He hasn’t really for the entire conversation. He just stares at the drying rack and picks up a plate, angrily drying it in silence. Buck desperately wants to fill the silence like he so often does, chattering for the sake of chattering. Eddie likes it when he babbles, said so himself when he came home after touring the school.
Home… like he soon might not have anymore, because of Maddie? Because Eddie thinks divorcing him is being nice? He’s so confused and a little hurt. It’s enough to give him the patience to wait Eddie out.
Sure enough, a minute or so later, Eddie breaks. “I just don’t want you to miss out on time with your family because of me.”
The failed attempt to tell Maddie three days prior comes back to him, but he never guessed that this is what Eddie would take from it. That now that Maddie is here, Buck would rather want to spend with her than with Eddie and Chris. That he has real family to spend time with now, because this was never his family to begin with, no matter how much house they played.
“Is this about Christmas?” he asks. “I can still try and see if Maddie wants to spend it with me, so you can enjoy it with Chris and tía Pepa.”
“What?” Eddie frowns.
“If you don’t want me at Christmas so you can have one with only family, you can just say that. I get it,” he says, feeling the bile in his throat.
Eddie whips around so fast he startles Buck a little. For the first time he looks at him, eyes burning fiercely. “What the fuck are you on about, Buck? It won’t be only family without you there.”
Despite the bit of warmth bubbling up in his chest, he can’t help but feel like Eddie is merely saying it because he has too. An obligatory inclusion only done out of guilt. Now it’s his turn to look away, as he quietly says: “We’re a marriage of convenience based on very convoluted circumstances. It’s okay to not want to include me.”
“No. Just no. Fuck that, Buck. You raised Chris, practically more than me. We do our taxes together, we do chores together, Abuela gives you secret family recipes. You’ve been here through more shit than anyone else, of course you’re family,” Eddie explodes.
“Well, divorcing me isn’t really sending that message,” Buck yells back, knowing it is too much, but unable to keep the hurt to himself.
“I’m trying to help you,” Eddie argues.
“It’s not working, Eddie,” Buck retorts, more desperate than angry.
“Maybe it would if you weren’t so incredibly stubborn, Evan,” Eddie says, the words hitting Buck harder than any punch would have.
Eddie might be used to people who argue back; Shannon, his parents, tía Pepa. But Buck isn’t an arguing person, not really. He can get angry and argue, but he rarely does. Prefers not to. However, the ‘Evan’ is too much. It doesn’t sound like how Eddie used to say it, he sounds like Buck’s parents.
He can feel himself shutting down and he puts the sponge on the counter before he says: “No. I am not doing this. I’m not fighting with you and you’re not calling me Evan.”
His voice is calm, but it’s not because he’s no longer upset, it’s just that his emotions have taken a vacation, because that is the only way he’s getting through this situation. With one last look at Eddie’s face – who looks devastated, a fact that would probably do something to Buck were he not feeling the way he is – he turns on his heel and walks out of the kitchen and to his room.
The door closes behind him with a definitive click and Buck just stands in his room for a moment. Today has not been what he expected when he climbed into bed this morning after his shift. His bed is still unmade, civvies still littering the floor. His room looks lived in. Loved. He can’t imagine not waking up here with the Diazes down the hall.
Mechanically he makes his bed and puts the clothes on the chair or in the laundry respectively, his body slowly becoming his own again.
Meanwhile in the kitchen Eddie is staring at the door through which Buck just disappeared, dishtowel still in his hand. He can’t believe he just did that.
He is trying so hard to make life easier for Buck and all he did was cause more problems. It’s seemingly the only thing he’s good at. Buck deserves so much better than his bullshit, but he can’t even give the guy his freedom back without fucking it all up.
Eddie should have known better. Buck never argues, doesn’t like fighting with people. He doesn’t even like it when others fight around him. The only times Eddie truly seen him angry and act on it, is with Eddie’s parents and that is only when they truly pushed too far. So to fight with him? To throw his name in his face like that after all he knows about him? That’s practically unforgivable.
He has to make this right.
Making the bed and putting his clothes away makes Buck feel better. He has settled down back in himself and calmed down enough to replay the conversation. What Eddie said didn’t make him feel great and he hates the idea of getting divorced, but it’s what they always said they’d do. He can’t not hear Eddie out, because he doesn’t want it to happen. That’s not fair on Eddie.
Still, he wonders what sort of divorce Eddie will suggest. If Buck will get to help with Chris as much as Eddie always promised or if Eddie’s solo success will make it that Buck will get a smaller role in Chris’s life.
Buck really doesn’t want to hear it. But he has to. He tries to comfort himself with the fact that Eddie seems to genuinely think it’s in his best interest. It’s not malicious, he should maybe hear Eddie out. If he isn’t still angry.
As if summoned, there is a soft knock on his door. Immediately his nerves start up again, but his resolve also hardens. He doesn’t want Chris to come home in a house where he’s fighting, he never wants that for Chris. So he calls out: “Yeah?”
“Uhm, ‘m sorry,” Eddie says, the words a little muffled. He’s never been great at them when it isn’t his female relatives, so the fact that he’s saying those words to him at all is kind of touching. “Can- Can I come in?”
“Are you going to yell at me again?” Buck asks, not in the mood to be yelled at more in his room, because that means he can’t run to his room. He might be too forgiving sometimes, but he’s not completely stupid.
“No, no, I shouldn’t have yelled at all,” Eddie answers embarrassed.
“Then you can come in.”
The door is opened carefully and Eddie pokes his head in first, scanning the room and Buck to see if anything is out of place. If there is a threat. It’s a little heartbreaking and a little sweet at the same time.
“Wanna sit?” Buck asks, gesturing to his bed and very much trying to stop his brain from playing connect the dots between Eddie on his bed and other things that can be done on a bed.
Eddie nods, sitting down and looking around Buck’s room. Buck sits next to him, but Eddie doesn’t look at him. He’s used to the quirk and doesn’t take offense, instead waiting Eddie out again. It is clear he has something to say, he just doesn’t know how or is too uncomfortable to say it yet.
“Sorry,” Eddie finally says after a long silence. Two sorries, practically a record out of Eddie.
“It’s okay,” Buck says with a small smile, knocking their shoulders together.
“No, it’s not,” Eddie says, the indigence on Buck’s behalf apparently enough to help him over his discomfort. “I was a dick and you didn’t deserve that. You shouldn’t just forgive me like that.”
“Eddie, what good will it do to stay mad?” Buck states, sternly yet gentle, leveling a look at Eddie as he does.
“I don’t know? Boundaries or something?”
“God, you’re so clueless it’s sad,” Buck snorts, earning a glare. To clarify, he adds: “I can stay mad at you, but then we’ll just be fighting. Us fighting makes me sad. You’re obviously sorry and you didn’t mean it, I don’t need more than that. I’d rather just hear what you wanted to say, before it became a fight.”
“I was telling you that you’re family,” Eddie reminds him, suddenly keen to jump on the change in topic. “I thought you knew you were.”
Buck thinks the sad, kicked puppy vibe Eddie has going on now is worse than when he was mad at him. He can feel his own cheeks darken anyway, because Eddie is including him in family. Under no uncertain terms no less. It’s more than he ever dares to hope for, even if he dreams of so much more.
Timidly he confesses: “I mean, I did. I do. You- you just told me to enjoy time with family, as if I don’t do that every day. It got to me.” He looks Eddie in the eye when he says that and can see the guilt in them as the realization dawns on him.
“That’s not what I meant, at all.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“I just- I- ugh,” Eddie groans in frustration. “You’re always doing things for me. Always helping me, us.”
“I like helping out and it’s more just doing my part, we’re partners, remember?” Maybe it’s good to remind him of that, maybe that will make it so he’ll soften the blow.
“You shouldn’t have to lie to your sister.”
“And divorcing her will solve that problem how?” Buck asks, now more confused than anything. It is clear that Eddie feels guilty about something, but Buck can’t imagine what. He’s always happily been here, Eddie knows that, right?
At least that might mean he isn’t trying to get rid of Buck now that he can do it solo? Maybe he feels bad that Buck doesn’t have the support of family like he has and wants to try and fix that for him.
Not that Buck calls what Eddie’s family does support (except for Pepa and Abuela). I mean, his parents outright hate all his choices and his sisters aren’t involved in his life enough to have much of an opinion and most of the extended family is either purposefully left in the dark or a little shitty about it too.
Still, it’s sweet that he’s trying, makes Buck feel better about the whole divorce thing, but he doesn’t get how that will help.
Eddie actually perks up slightly as he gets prompted to explain his thought process. It would be kind of adorable, except he is going to explain why divorce is a good option. Now, Buck always knew this marriage would end in divorce, but he’s still going to cling to it, cling to this life he has. It is mildly pathetic, but he doesn’t care. If Eddie can be reasoned out of it, Buck is going to reason to all hell.
“Well, if we get divorced, we won’t be married anymore, thus not breaking any rules. We can say we were already in the process when I started that’s why we didn’t tell anyone. They’ll probably understand and then you can tell Maddie without worrying about her having to keep it from Chimney or us having to worry about her telling him.”
Buck isn’t sure if it’s because he wants this marriage to work for as long as possible or if Eddie just didn’t have time to think it all through, but he can’t help but immediately poke holes in it.
“How will that change anything? We’ll still be written up by HR for not saying, probably separated over it and that is if we don’t lose our jobs. We still lied, Eddie And we’d probably still be a risk, because we’d be raising Chris together. I’d have to check, but it won’t surprise me. Then were will we be at?”
Eddie is quiet, frowning slightly.
When he doesn’t say something, Buck answers his own question: “If we lose our jobs, we won’t be able to afford Carla, we might have to sell the house, and Chris will have to stop at Durand when he just found his place there. Let’s face it, we’re in too deep to ever tell the 118, if I want to tell Maddie, she has to keep it from people.”
At his words Eddie’s frown only deepens and Buck realizes he just told Eddie he’s stuck in this marriage. As much as he wants to be with him, he doesn’t want it because Eddie feels trapped, because Buck wormed his way into a life that was never his to begin with and did what he always did: make himself necessary, so he wouldn’t be abandoned.
“Look,” he starts again, this time more gentle, “if you find someone or you don’t want to do this anymore, we can get divorced behind the scenes. We’ll figure out custody and a schedule so Chris won’t lose a parent again, I promise. But divorce won’t change this thing with Maddie.”
It’s quiet and this time Buck lets it be quiet. Eddie is processing his words and figuring out what he feels about it, that’s no easy task.
After some time, Eddie throws up his hands and – dare he say it – pouts: “It just feels unfair.”
“What does?” Buck asks, a little amused by Eddie’s reaction. And because said reaction makes it seem like Eddie is seeing his side and not divorcing him. Big win for Buck.
“I get to talk about Chris at work, get to take time off to spend it with him, I get to tell family and not worry, and you don’t. It’s unfair,” Eddie exclaims, once again angry on Buck’s behalf, but not directing said anger at Buck. That makes it funny and touching, instead of hurtful. A world of difference.
“It does kind of suck,” Buck admits, because it does. He loves Chris to death, loves his family, he would love nothing more than to brag about it.
But maybe it is for the best, because he’s pretty sure everyone will realize he’s madly in love with Eddie the second he gets to take the mask off and that will mean Eddie will find out about it, because the 118 is horrible at staying out of each other’s business, and then Eddie will run far away from him and break his heart, because Buck isn’t meant to be in love with him. This is a platonic marriage. Platonic.
“See!” Eddie says, vindicated. “We should fix that.”
“As much as I am usually pro-fixing things, this isn’t something that needs to be fixed,” Buck says quickly, before Eddie can take it and run with it.
“It isn’t?” Eddie doesn’t believe it for a second.
“I mean, it would be nice, but it’s not the end of the world. I still get to be Chris’s papi and trust me when I say I brag in those pick up lines at school. Besides, the school interview was an off day, I’m usually better at charming my way into a shift swap. I won’t miss everything. Plus, I am so going to kick you off the science fair team, that’ll be my show.”
Eddie can’t believe how unreal this man is. That he’ll turn anything into a positive, that he sees helping Chris with a science fair project as something fun, instead of a chore. “Thank you.”
“For what?” Buck asks, confused.
“For just being here.”
“Of course I’ll be here,” Buck smiles and it sounds like a promise.
Eddie desperately wants to cling to it, because despite asking for a divorce like an hour ago, he doesn’t want Buck to leave. His own papi always left, his mom turned against him, Shannon left, Abuela was forced to move, army buddies slipped through his fingers. He’s always been on his own, but Buck never left, never made Eddie feel like he wouldn’t be in his corner. He doesn’t want to lose that.
“Me too,” is what he ends up saying, because anything else feels too much like rolling over and showing the soft underside of his belly. He hates doing that.
Still when Buck smiles, it feels like it’s enough. Buck always makes him feel like he’s doing enough.
Buck is over the moon with the promise, the promise that Eddie won’t just leave him like everyone else always seems to do. However, he needs to make sure they’re actually on the same page, so he bumps their shoulders together and asks: “So, are we good? Or do I need to find a lawyer?”
“Nah, we’re good,” Eddie says. Then he clears his throat, obviously done with the emotional talks for today as he asks: “We still have some time before pick up, wanna play some video games?”
“Hell yeah, I’ll kick your ass any day,” Buck grins.
“Bold words for a man, who always loses.”
“You let us play Rainbow Road and we’ll see if you still say that,” Buck bickers, as they get up and make their way to the living room.
Slowly the normal atmosphere returns again and you’d never think they’d just got close to a divorce or that they’d even argued.
Chris is happily oblivious as they pick him up together, just excited they’re getting ice cream and not asking why. Both watch him smear his face with chocolate ice cream fondly. He’s gotten his love for chocolate ice cream from Buck, who is licking his own cone, while Eddie eats his rum and raisin scoop. His actual favorite is citrus, but he never gets it. Buck knows though, he buys it ‘for himself’ sometimes and pretends he doesn’t see the scoops that go missing.
They both know it’s apology ice cream for Chris, who will never know how close they got to turning his life upside down an hour or two ago. It had been Eddie’s idea, the ice cream, and Buck wonders how long he’s going to do the silent guilty thing, where he doesn’t say anything, but tries to make up for something anyway. It always makes Buck feel a little weird.
Fortunately, he needn’t have worried, because after a week of Eddie cleaning obsessively and refilling his coffee like he’s a waiter trying to get a tip, they go back to normal.
It happens when they’re at work, Bobby makes a delicious casserole. Buck is enjoying it when he feels a nudge against his foot. He looks over to Eddie, who looks down at his plate, then at Buck with imploring eyes.
Fondness explodes inside his chest and he gives an indulgent eye roll, even if his insides feel gooey at the silent request, before he asks: “Hey, Bobby, can I get the recipe for this?” getting a triumphant grin from Eddie as he does.
Bobby explains the recipe, while Buck lets the casserole be, so Eddie can go in for seconds. The whole interaction settles something in his chest, finally letting himself believe that Eddie meant what he said during that day.
In a way, it’s been good for them. A kind of check in to see where they stand. They both have an out and both have assured the other they don’t want it.
Buck is still waiting for the day Eddie does, for the day he’ll come home from a date and know that this is the one. He knows his heart will break when he signs those divorce papers, but the knowledge that Eddie won’t just leave him, soothes the sting of that future.
Eddie, on the other hand, has been assured that Buck still wants to be here, that he doesn’t just want to run and isn’t waiting for the day Eddie will be able to do it by himself. They’re partners. A team. He doesn’t have to do it alone, Buck doesn’t expect him to. It’s not a chore to him.
So, they move on, both more secure in themselves as they work together as they’ve always done, while Christmas slowly approaches.
~~
A/N:
This is more communication Eddie has done than in all his years of life combined, but by god, Buck will have normal conversations with people and Eddie’s crush on Buck will make him do wild shit to get Buck to stay (even if he doesn’t know that’s why he’s doing it) ((I am manifesting this energy for Eddie in 8x09))
And yes, last chapter was a bit of a fake out, I fully enjoyed all the comments and felt very evil, made my week, thank you so much <3
Also shout out to Eddie for the giant brick wall he built his a brain and just doesn’t allow him to examine his feelings for Buck too deeply, like I know repression is one hell of a drug, but seriously? This is getting out of hand and I’m writing you!
#rr writing#secret marriage of convenience buddie au#the i do verse#9-1-1#9 1 1#9 1 1 show#9 1 1 fanfiction#9 1 1 buddie#911#911 show#911 fanfic#911 buddie#buddie#buck x eddie#evan buckley#eddie diaz#christopher diaz#buckley diaz family#bobby nash#tw: referenced emotional abuse#tw: insecurity#buddie au#slow burn#slow burn buddie au
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I think people are really too harsh to silent readers sometimes. There are a million and one reasons why someone might read your work and not comment, and most of them are not malicious or egregiously selfish. For one thing, we all live in difficult times and people are tired. I would hate for someone who is depressed or anxious or otherwise having a bad time to see posts being angry about non-commenters and feel guilty.
My works are gifts I give freely, and without strings attached. I feel very appreciative of the comments I get, but I can also tell from my sub numbers and bookmarks I probably have a lot of silent readers too, and that’s fine. In fact, it’s good, because I’m just happy that people clearly are interested in and enjoying my work, whether that’s expressed through kudos or subs or comments.
All of this is not to say authors shouldn’t want comments and engagement. They’re wonderful, and I love them, and I deeply appreciate people who enjoyed my work making an effort to let me know - and I know this is much harder if you get no comments at all, I’m not trying to invalidate that. But from some of the posts I’ve seen on here that the tone of the discussion is souring and that’s just uncomfortable to me.
#idk man I thought we all agreed that guilting people into stuff is bad#I know for a fact *I’ve* put off reading fic for a time I thought I’d be able to read it with an analytical brain#and put a comment together#and then sometimes that just means I don’t end up reading the fic at all#does that really help anyone?#and I don’t even read that much fic! for someone who does… that’s a lot of time and effort!#and yeah#writing a fic is time and effort#but I put myself out here and I enjoyed the creative process and that’s my main reward#I honestly think that giving someone a private space to engage with a story#on their own time and without any pressure to ‘pay’ for it or work out their feelings about it#is valuable and good
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Nooo don't overthink the social interaction and get self conscious and insecure you're so sexy ah ha
#it both is fine and isn't because. it's a thing i can't control#that has had multiple people come to the conclusion that i must hate or dislike them#and otherwise can make people uncomfortable#I'M SORRY I'm just vibing and i happen to be blankly staring at you#person who happens to be in the middle of the group from my view and gives me best peripheral vision of everyone in the conversation 😭😭#ramblings of a bystander
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I do think a good chunk of the 'cringey atheist' stereotype did come from the fact that, especially americans, regardless of their actual religious status are just casually christian and refer to things through a religious filter and that isn't seen for how overwhelming/obnoxious/frustrating it is. Its absense, such as when writing a story and things like "oh god" or other casual references are remove or replaced, is seen as notable the same way people find the cast being all women or queer being 'abnormal'.
And I think more people, especially here on tumblr, should take a moment from ragging on some kid being "cringey" saying god doesn't exist or making atheist jump around like dancing monkeys to establish they're one of the good respectful ones before they ever even begin to talk about their own thoughts, and examine why so much content just inserts god into a conversation that had nothing to do with religion like it's the expected norm, the same way they examine the invasiveness of casual heteronormativity.
#this is just cause an ex christian youtuber i otherwise like refers to any extreme emotional experience as a 'religious experience'#as if everyone can agree on it being so#and theres more than a few posts on here that make me wonder why#so many people are incapable of making something 'poetic' or 'great' without invoking religious imagery#even where it had no relevance#atheism#anyways#ive seen uncomfortably similar treatment that aces in particular have received for pointing out amatonormativity in a post#its rare these days though because atheists have long since been thuroughly shamed in american society as being edgy#which like wooow a christian nation that shames every other religion in some way found a way to shame nonreligious too? shocking#actually i get kinda annoyed when i think about it its one of those propaganda that people casually buy into#without examining it at all#youll see atheists acting like dancing monkeys trying to establish theyre not cringe guys its okay#just to talk about how they feel and think#i remember being a young adult and when someone started talking to me with the assumption of god being in the picture#and id get an eye roll like i was being childish not going along with it nevermind they inserted god into the convo in the first place#without question or comment#and i know it wasnt forceful the same way some ex religious folks can get a bit zealous the same way they were about religion#which theres something to eb said for that zealousness being acceptable when christian but not when atheist or another religion#but ive never gone through such a phase my family has been atheist for several generations now and we were taught to respect beliefs#anyways sorry idk why this is on my brain this afternoon i think i saw a post or smth and it reminded me of that youtuber
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The situation I posted about is mostly funny but I do think it makes me feel alienated from some people (largely certain women because it's my main reference group) dkkdld. Like oh you guys truly have never had to contemplate your gender/enforced gender norms/gendered choices and gendered benefits/punishments, you truly think that all of your choices and actions are simply personal and not societally steered and socially rewarded/punished 😅 like y'all are comfortable with your conformity to an extent where you don't even notice how little freedom there is sometimes dkkdksks
#i also have complicated feelings because i don't believe in abolishing gender or anything :/ but like dkskldkd#is there a word for when you're a cis woman but you're viscerally uncomfortable with certain expected social roles and gender performances#its not gender nonconforming i conform in a lot of if not most ways. but i'm uncomfortable a lot skkssk#i think its also a special kind of uncomfortable when you know you're not trans (nonbinary or otherwise). like huh there really is no way#out of the force fem panopticon that everyone pretends is normal and even feminist JSKDKDKDK#and especially with the recent 'internalised misogyny' discourse where you have to bootlick choice feminism JSKSKDK#(= trip over yourself validating people for conforming to gendered expectations and telling them its ok for women to be feminine etc shit)#i wish i could just dress the way i want and look the way i do and be a woman but everyone just decides to give me all of the privileges#and prioritisations that are societally afforded to straight cis men of an otherwise similar position to me in society#but that i'd still be a girl and people would refer to me as such jdkdld. just without the misogyny#also i hate makeup and 'feminine grooming' and rituals related to appearance/expectations of participating in those. and policing#what an acceptable female body looks like and medicalising anything out of the norm#(i've ranted abt this before but if i was born 20ish years earlier i would have been given GROWTH STUNTING PILLS. TO MAKE SURE I STAY SHORT#AND CAN STILL GET CISHET MARRIED TO A MAN. as you know women's main purpose is to look attractive to a husband. if youre tall youre an uggo#sorry this all makes me so mad dkkdkdkd#thank god i have more bodily autonomy than i would have had earlier but 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 things are still depressing in so many ways#i think i should just have been lesbian crown prince rudolf
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am i the only one who sensed some jilted lover vibes from jensen?
#burcon#cockles#thoughts#at the start of the panel and through a few particular interactions he seemed very standoffish#he was giving a little bitter and hurt and perhaps even resentful - maybe he only learned of misha's gf#at this con too! maybe it was news to him. on top of not seeing misha for months i can understand#if he was feeling a bit neglected and out of the loop. there's also the matter of misha's gf not being#in a poly thing with jensen and dee like vicki was ie. what she has with misha is seperate so i'm sure#that's another difficult thing to deal with knowing their time together is strictly separate#i've no doubt he wants misha to have a partner and be happy but there's an adjustment period#letting new people into your life and whoever misha's partner is now or in the future is going to#affect jensen on a personal level and moreover his relationship with misha. it's all very intriguing#and while i like what little i've seen and heard about this woman for misha i just think no matter who#she is it's going to take a toll on jensen's relationship w misha. i thought it was plain to see on jensen's face#during their panel: numerous moments where he was giving a poker face that wasn't covering a laugh#but instead like he was trying to smooth out his bitterness. or so my eyes and brain and heart tell me.#just various moments where things looked uncomfortable and jensen making off-colour jokes that didn't land#and which furthermore were barbed and snarky - not in their usual banter way but like he was lashing out#and using the excuse of chaotic panel convo to explain away his comedic pitfalls. but again maybe i'm#looking to much into it? idk. there are some lovely moments! fun and caring moments - but they#mainly came from misha's direction ngl. it seemed like misha was trying hard to keep the peace#while jensen was just running his mouth on comments and jokes that kept not landing - for me#everyone on my dash is loving their dynamic this panel - and i want to feel that love! it is possible that#learning misha has a gf has skewed my perception a little like i'm putting context onto moments#i otherwise wouldn't. but i also think i would've laughed and generally felt better watching their panel#if that was the case. idk. whatever the reason i do think something was OFF between them on stage#and it was coming from jensen from the start. misha picked up on it partway though but things felt#a little strained throughout. like jensen wasn't looking at misha as much as usual or reaching out for him#misha tried to salvage and not react to things. but both their answers to the last Q were passive aggressive af#and when they left the stage together they weren't close or touching or chatting like they usually are...
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hm. miiiight need to start having a big ginormous sign on my rabbit postings saying This Is A Familial F/o Post
#i state it whenever i can but i guess not a lot of people read the tags and stuff so…………………….#i mean it’s not their fault that they had no clue but Ohhhhh how uncomfortable it makes me when people assume otherwise#ticky rambles
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Me giving my hour long monologue about how trans lesbians jiang cheng x wen qing is the only form of the ship I'll consume
#i think its because jc would need to deal with too many neuroses before i think he would be good for wq#otherwise it just turns into an uncomfortable feedback loop where theyre forced into a weird dynamic of older sibling#with all the emotional responsibility and younger sibling who never learned how to deal with that . so a stalemate#anyway just pulling words in the tags before i sleep since i was thinking of it earlier but it really is so ? i guess weird to me how#normalized cq became after c ql s release and subsequent netflixification#because literally no one was shipping it before it was. Like its weird to me when people watch the show first and are like this shouldve#been canon in the book because like. idk . No LOL . sorry i dont mean to be mean im genuinely just fascinated#because when c ql initially aired everyone was making fun of or mad abt that plotline#like i can pull up tweets from back then but it was just a general state of disbelief like . why#of all the characters#so its interesting that its looped around to becoming accepted to the point where people project it backwards onto the source#which i have my hangups about but whatever s v doesnt even have a drama to change anything so i wont say shit#anyway goodnight thanks for indulging me as always buddies
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Hm... never trust how you feel about your life past 9pm or however that goes and stuff, but sometimes I do be pondering what I do on the regular and it gets to me, the silliest things
#I'm once again getting anxious over putting myself out there in every sense I can think of#Socially. Business-wise. Art-wise#if there is one trait I dislike about myself the most in the past few years—#is that for whatever reason I have a tendency to be way too open about myself and what I feel#it could be annoying. It could be tmi (I dislike that concept). It could scare people off because I'm too forward and I fuck up#I spent a big chunk of my late childhood -> teenage years -> early adulthood putting a tamper on my emotions and what I'm passionate about#and now I'm oscillating between being unable to do otherwise and being thoroughly exhausted of suppressing... anything#I genuinely don't want to do it no more and the problem is that I have no idea how to navigate the opposite end of that conduct#I feel like I'm constantly messing it up. I have no experience but I am so tired and now incapable of masking#more like my body and mind are uncooperative and refuse to keep on putting up an act. It was always a way to support others#but I disregarded myself most of the time. I don't know how to enjoy myself in front of people I love without feeling guilt or shame#I feel like I'm overstepping or being disrespectful. How do you do it#it should come easy#Heh... I'm even embarrassed to voice sincere praise to artists I admire because I never know if what I'm saying could be perceived as —#—cringey or if it makes someone slightly uncomfortable. I'm tired of being clueless about a whole dimension of social interaction#and possibly coming across as inept. I could've sworn for the longest time that I was doing it right#and I can't be sure now#I want to share my work with others but I'm always hesitant and petrified by fear of all the potential ramifications that path could have#There's so much I want to do#why does the world seem so hostile to my eyes I genuinely don't know. It makes no sense. None of that is real#Annnnnd that sure is some venting#Sheesh#Hm. Funny how tumblr keeps on being this perfect void where you can just scream into without a single worry#I should go to sleep
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8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)
#i guess it affected me more than i'd like to#i don't want to make people uncomfortable#and i am sorry if i did that with any of my posts i know they have been overly emotional and maybe a bit insane#it's true that i am trying to deal with losing and finding peace i am not very good at this due to my intense emotions#and my fear of loneliness and losing people. i am also in a very bad depressive episode. i am aware that this isn't an excuse for any#of my behavior. i never had a support system so dealing with all this on my own and getting no therapist who is willing to see you#it's a downer. guilt is eating me alive and my mental condition is the something that has ruined a lot for me but it has never before done#such a terrible job before. recovering from that and dealing with the aftermath of this is exhausting and has taken a toll on my physical#and mental health i know this post doesn't mean anything to most of all and is at best confusing but i guess it's my poor attempt#of avoiding that people will hate me. i don't want to self-pity more than i already did. but i do that all on my own already.#i know that life is so much more difficult than fiction and you can't expect miracles or believe in faith to fix anything#i know there is no cure to who i am. i can only try to navigate it better in the future. it doesn't mean that i can't regret what i did.#that i can't feel guilty about it. i know that won't change anything but i am also trying to get better and i understand if that's not#visible. i just have to believe that one day it will be enough for people to say 'hey. i know you are fucked up.#and you hurt me and you've been a bitch. but we'll work on it. i believe in you.' otherwise i have to believe that this loneliness#is all there is and that i'm gonna die hollow#i don't want much. i just want some patience and peace#i want to believe that i am worthy of love and that i can get a future. and yes. me talking about wanting a wife and this stupid apple pie#life... maybe it's cliche and stupid but i have been alone for years and i am so tired of fighting. is it so bad that i don't want to do#this alone? and that goes for friends as well. i want to cook for people built things and tend to a garden to take care of animals#and to create instead of destroying for once.#i don't know why i am still writing i guess when the dam breaks... again. i am sorry for ever making people uncomfortable or even hurting#them that was never my intention. i promise#so i really hope. whoever is reading this. i hope you are doing alright. i hope you had/have a good day. tell the people you care about#you love them and enjoy the little things. read that book. eat that chocolate or do whatever brings you joy. the world is so difficult to#navigate but you are doing such a great job by just existing. you are making this world a better place with the light you radiate#the last thing I want to do something I never can forgive myself for is hurting people#not only but especially the ones I care about. but beyond that those I barely know too because I care about you guys too#I just don't want that... I want to leave the world better than I found it but I'm having a hard time doing it due to this stupid fucking#brain of mine.
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i do think especially arguments about this stuff that hinge on going, well im a victim and i think this is bad are unworkable because you will find a hundred other victims who go oh it helps me process it or whatever else
#i mean i guess it's like well i deserve to have my voice heard over someone else because xyz is what they are saying#it's so insane that this happens repeatedly on this site where you can just filter out terms and shit#block people who make you uncomfortable#idk man i used to be really like eww it's important to tell people about these freaks#but like fuck i really just do not agree that someone should be harassed off the internet or worse for like doing consensual things with#other adults like even if it bothers you majorly does that give you the right to harass them#i am also unsympathetic to the argument that they are gonna harm people because first off most of the people who get chased off dont#really have any power in the first place lets be real otherwise it wouldnt be an affective tool to chase them off in the first place#and secondly if they are gonna harm someone it's someone close to them and posting online about it isn't gonna do anything#you aren't gonna solve abuse by harassing people online even if they suck shit#like unless you want to fucking call the cops on them which i would hope we all know is 100x worse#it's not gonna do anything besides maybe make the situation worse lmao
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accidentally browsing a (very niche) female-dominated gaming space and seeing people TEAR into people who want an option to change the player character's pronouns to he/him or they/them without changing anything else because it'd invite men to invade a safe space. For a game purely about dating men. Like, I've been through plenty of female-dominated spaces where queer people and similar-interest straight men are welcome (in this case it'd be bi men but yknow), so it's just this one community, but jeez. The amount of fear that anyone who isn't explicitly a femme female would come in and A. hit on the faceless women there or B. taint the game by making the devs add designs of men who they don't want to date?
I got such a strong terf-y rhetoric from that community, like we can't have anything in common with people who aren't like us going on. All about taking 'our' things. And a lot of people contradicting one other but not trying to find out what the truth is because they have the same conclusion. Like two people saying A>B or B>A and no argument arises and no one shows interest in which is true because both people conclude C.
A lot of people even saying that, likewise, things that appeal to female or queer audiences should NOT be added to mainstream media just like queer content should not be added to female-oriented media. These hard walls around what belongs to who is like...they were raised by toy companies or something.
Like what is (paraphrasing so it isnt searchble) "I would never come into a male dominated community because I feel like I would be invading their safe space, so I don't get why men would want to come here and talk about liking men." At least the people who are scared of sexual abuse are warranted, I've seen tons of abusive language towards people they think are women in male dominated online spaces, but what is this fear of even...sharing interests with men? I know we've been in a new era of gender role enforcement with the tradfem movement, but jeez. And as for these last two points, they both are ones that were contradicted. People also said they do believe in diversity BUT just *this* shouldn't count.
Some people even said it's not fair that they get pushed to be more inclusive when mainstream media never does. Which makes me wonder if they're so deep in their niche 'I only experience content made by and for exclusively straight women' content that they haven't noticed any of the movements in media going on over the last 1.5 decades. Like it's true that we haven't made that much progress, but how do they think that no media gets pressed to increase diversity? The more rigid/right-leaning male audiences of tons of media have been complaining about forced diversity for years in exactly the same way (and sometimes, when it really WAS forced diversity, everyone complains because it's not representing anyone really but yknow). But I guess they wouldn't know that if all of them avoid mainstream media?
Also...what is the fear that gay men like men in a 'wrong' way...(and again, the unargued contradiction being plenty of people saying that they also like media about gay characters, but just they shouldn't make these characters gay)
And like I do get it, in the sense that being marginalized makes you skeptical and fearful of things you don't understand in its own separate way from how being in a privileged class makes you skeptical and fearful of things you don't understand. There's a lot more fear of exploring things different and new because the possible retribution feels/has been higher.
Honestly, this post isn't actually about a couple hundred to low-thousand women in a small community for niche games. Not like, I think it's important, I want to actively make them change. It's not that big a deal, not that surprising in the grand scheme. It's similar rhetoric to things i've seen before (Tradfem/terf). I've seen screenshots of, like, facebook mom groups before. And I've seen way bigger communities be way more open and welcoming, it's just a little outlier.
I'm just writing this because I'm a bit shellshocked because I forget how much that those kinds of people are not just the older, tech-illiterate generations, and not just shallow influencers who will say anything for the clicks (or because someone behind the scenes is funding it), their views behind the camera up in the air. Like I think I cultivate the people I interact with a bit too well. Too many of the people I actually interact with or witness the thoughts of regularly are queer and have flitting relationships with gender and then I remember the other side of the coin has people who think they're being progressive by suggesting that everyone who is different be segregated and therefore safe from each other with no room for intersectionality.
#for the record in other communities talking about the same game i saw several people sharing tips for making androgynous or slightly butch#characters which is the wholesomeness on the other side#ranting into the void#is this one of those situations of like#'the celebrity you call ugly will never see this but the person you know who shares those features will?'#but with 'The men who want to invade your safe spaces will never see this but the he/him butch and other queer people who are otherwise#generally your advocates in political and social spaces will'#also ngl being gay admittedly does make this so much easier#but i cannot imagine having the idea that#categorically#'you and your partner cannot have any interests in common' but so many do#And honestly I would have trouble believing that any women who says they're scared ofplaying or discussing a videogame#with a gnc or gay person- would say that irl they're not a terf and they would let gnc and trans people into the same public bathroom#like i can believe it because people hold lots of contradictory ideas but#if more than 20% of them said it i would think that was legitimately virtue signalling#because while i think trans panic is waaaaay less common than the media thinks#inside a community with those beliefs when they can talk anonymo usly#itd be a tough sell for me. I have to imagine most of those women are the kind who would find out their partner was bi#and start feeling uncomfortable about the state of their relationship- with the way they talk about how men can't enjoy female things like#dating men and such#ALSO there are more women than men#wtf do you mean mainstream media is only for straight men#straight adult men is#like 30-odd percent of the us tops#they got more purchasing power cus of sexism and homophobia and so on but#its so self defeating to think of mainstream media as exclusively the purview of straight men
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Real quick, not because it's come up or anything, I just want to be pre-emptive about it:
Remember that I'm not the world's leading expert in anything, including kink. Remember to take things I say with a grain of salt and do your own research. I never want to be one of those people who styles themself as an expert and is treated as some sort of guide/leader. For one thing, that's not a power dynamic I'm comfortable with. I'm here to make friends and have fun and spread my love of RACK, not be in charge of anyone (save for moderating the discord).
I happen to know more about queer identities, disability, and kink/bdsm/safe sex than the average person just because they're the three areas I've studied a lot and that most affect my personal life in various ways. But that doesn't mean I'll always be right about everything, or that I'll get across my knowledge well, or that you should just listen to everything I say and take it as fact.
Especially when it comes to kink and bdsm, you should never be teaching others about it just from what you've learned from me, nor should you be practicing it if I'm the only source you've gotten your information from. As a general rule of thumb, never get all your information from one source or believe people just because they usually know what they're talking about. Look for multiple sources, do your own research, remember that there's always going to be different perspectives and everyone has blindspots they don't know about.
So yeah, idk. I just don't wanna be creating weird power dynamics just because I happen to know a lot about kink and like to share my knowledge. And I definitely don't want people engaging in irl kinks based only on what they learn from me, because I've barely brushed the surface of what you need to know before you can safely engage in kink.
Also just because I tease and flirt does not make me anyone's dom. I don't engage in play without negotiation and trust (and friendship or money). If I'm flirting with someone, it's because they've consented to it and they can revoke that consent at any time. But I will never try to engage in actual power exchange here, that would be irresponsible and once again create a power dynamic I'm not comfortable with. I have my limits, and I'll make them clear, so never worry you've accidentally broken them without knowing. And don't worry about trying to defend me, I can defend myself.
#sunshine#idk maybe this doesn't need saying but I want to say it anyway#especially the power dynamic thing#I get uncomfortable when people try to make themselves like... 'leaders' or whatever of fandoms or online spaces#turns real weird and culty real quick and makes it easy for people to be taken advantage of#so I don't wanna be one of those people or encourage people to treat Anyone like that#don't put people on pedestals or make them your leader especially not internet strangers#I'm happy to be a fun silly blog y'all go to and I'm happy to be peoples' favourite writer/blog/whatever#I'm happy for people to enjoy my content and chat with me and ask me questions about kink#I'm happy to educate as best as I can#I'm NOT happy to be taken as a supreme authority on anything tho#I'm just some dumbass I do not deserve that power#also I'm very good at sticking to my boundaries/limits so if I ever respond to something then it means I'm comfortable with it#so like I won't let flirting go any further than I'm comfortable with#which means I don't need people coming into my inbox trying to defend me because they think someone went too far#if they did then I'll let them know myself otherwise it's all good no one needs to worry about it
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my desire to make more dnd characters vs the fact that I’m in no campaigns and don’t know when or if I’ll be in a campaign are fighting
#whimsy whispers#I was in the one campaign that I left and like#I am particular about people in that I don’t like people so if I were to play in a campaign ideally it would be with people I know and like#because i also do not feel all that comfortable playing with strangers#I have a few irls who play or want to but they’re in too many campaigns or are people I don’t want to play with#example being: my roommate kane plays dnd but has several campaigns they’re in#their dad them their sister me and my irl have played dnd together before (very loosely calling it dnd)#I would not play with that group of people again namely their dad who dmed#the only person from that group who had any dnd experience was kane#their dad was just A Lot and went out of his way to hurt and torture out characters and I didn’t vibe with that like please we don’t have to#get hurt to the point of newr death every four minutes just kill me#all the friends I have who play dnd also have far too many campaigns they’re in rn or just don’t live where I do and don’t prefer online#campaigns and I’ve been invited to play one campaign by a mutual and I’ve been added to the server (hi if you see this 💖)#I just am ;-; about new people and playing with new people#the first legit campaign I played was with people I did not know and while I’m friends with them now (though rsd says otherwise) I was very#like uncomfortable and uncertain of if I was playing properly or annoying them and tbh I stayed that way up until I left the campaign for#realsies#uhhh anyways I like dnd a lot it’s very fun and I miss playing it and like making dnd characters#but I have too many also#and I’m not creative enough to make them normal ocs I can hardly do anything with my actual original characters and stories I can’t just#make up a whole new story for the characters and I don’t do well at repurposing characters either
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really actually makes me sick that my mother claims to be an lgbt friendly psychologist/counsellor and then deadnames and misgenders me on the phone to students constantly and purposefully even despite me being on testosterone for almost two years now and passing visibly and audibly
#like I really want these students to know this. I really want them to know that every time she mentions her ‘daughter’ she’s referring to a#a trans man who she knows damn well is a trans man and has been outwardly so for years#you’d think this would get better the harder it is to physically deny it considering I look and sound the way I do but. lol.#she knows there’s nothing I can do to stop her or correct them so she does it anyway#and it just especially bothers me that she considers herself an lgbt advocate or whatever#legit the students she counsels would be so fucking uncomfortable if they knew how she treats me. a lot of them would not come to her at#all if they knew she was flagrantly transphobic towards her own son#lol#but whatever :) just gotta suck it up cause there’s nothing I can do about it! :)#just continue to be verbally degraded all the time :)#she deadnamed me to the neighbors yesterday too which bothers me for a lot of reasons but one being like. literally no one would fucking#know I’m anything other than just A Guy if not for her at this point. she’s outing me to people by doing this shit on top of everything#like fuck living in socal sucked for a lot of reasons but at least literally everyone just saw me as a guy#because there was no one around telling anyone otherwise#I really hate this I hate that there’s nothing I can fucking do about it. she’s not going to fucking listen to me. it’s been an#absurd number of years#all me bringing it up does is endanger me and enrage her#it’s so cool it’s so great it makes me want to kill myself :)#kibumblabs
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