#and theres more than a few posts on here that make me wonder why

[hybbat]

I do think a good chunk of the 'cringey atheist' stereotype did come from the fact that, especially americans, regardless of their actual religious status are just casually christian and refer to things through a religious filter and that isn't seen for how overwhelming/obnoxious/frustrating it is. Its absense, such as when writing a story and things like "oh god" or other casual references are remove or replaced, is seen as notable the same way people find the cast being all women or queer being 'abnormal'.

And I think more people, especially here on tumblr, should take a moment from ragging on some kid being "cringey" saying god doesn't exist or making atheist jump around like dancing monkeys to establish they're one of the good respectful ones before they ever even begin to talk about their own thoughts, and examine why so much content just inserts god into a conversation that had nothing to do with religion like it's the expected norm, the same way they examine the invasiveness of casual heteronormativity.

[66sharkteeth]

Hey man. No offense (genuinely, not sure if theres a bette way to ask this) but why do you care so much about a small handful of fans not understanding a few parts of the story? Yeah it's been explained before but with most if not all works - especially ones with a big audience - there are always people who misunderstand or missed something. Or just have a different opinion coz art can be subjective like that. Not trying to criticize you at all, but just seemed like a good amount of your frustrated rants come from this so, wondering why.

ahaha i literally asked about this on twitter yesterday... asking how i can remind people about events and facts in the story without coming off mean or condescending.

i SWEAR 99% of the time I'm not actually mad at someone just...forgetting or mixing things up, but i've been worried i've been coming off wrong lately so that's precisely why i asked haha. definitely gonna be working on my tone!

if you mean like in my weekly thoughts tho, those are very much kind of just...brain rambles. i know there was one a few weeks ago i was legit kind of mad during...but most of that wasn't even over misunderstandings, it was frustration over people not being able to differentiate their tastes and criticism, like how I get frustrated when people say horror is bad just because...they don't like horror. Like no, it's not bad, it's just not for you. I wanna be able to tell dark stories and it's frustrating when people tell me I'm a bad writer simply because they don't like dark stories. That's the only time in recent memory I've been...legit frustrated haha.

I swear tho, I'm 99% of the time not actually mad in my posts here (regarding misunderstandings) but i know i can get excited and use caps lock a lot which can come off cranky but i swear i'm trying to sound more in the tone of

There's exceptions like the note above and times when people were being incredibly violent and gross to Lyss last season (sorry, I just don't love reading misogynistic comments about how my character deserves a violent death to the point some people legit harassed me about her). but overall, i'm NOT mad and am trying harder to make that clear in my tone.

now... if you mean me getting sad when there's one harsh comment out of 100... sorry, that's just how my brain works ahah. i know i'm definitely not alone in that. it's just a lot easier to remember a bee sting that's still throbbing a few days later than 100 butterflies, no matter how pretty they were.

[pepsiiwho]

The Hulkenberg Problem

Hi metaphor refantazio fans. It's me, your favorite contrarian eyesore. (Advertisers have made me change this opening greeting)

As I've played this game I've found myself enjoying every character, flaws in all (the more flaws the better truthfully) but theres one that for the life of me I just can't get behind. Somehow in a game with characters with single portraits, a few voice lines and little to no significant plot relevance, one of the first confidants you make does nothing for me. I guess I just wanted to air my grievances a bit here and offer hypothetical writing solutions as I see fit. This is an open discussion, somewhat, so feel free to respond to the points shared here, but I'll warn you I don't respond to name calling lmao

Spoilers for end game kinda <3

So, mmm. Where to start.

Blanket statement for this post; TLDR: Hulkenberg feels like the physical manifestation of every problem I have with the game on a thematic and structural level and I think in a tighter story that's more willing to interact with it's chosen subject matter, could make her to be a standout character above the rest.

As I see it, Hulkenberg's (Hulk) story is on its head, really interesting. She was the personal guard of the, at this point in the story, ever elusive and mysterious Prince figure cursed to wither away. We know nothing about the prince save for 3 things:

MC (Will) adores him, for some fucking reason. We're talking a loyalty so strong that he's willing to go on a, self proclaimed, suicide mission to reinstate him.

He's cursed and left in a comatose state that, seemingly, has no real cure and leaves him catatonic

The world thinks he's dead.

Now, obviously, once we've gotten to the end of the game we know that the points above are all defunct. But, in the beginning of the game that's all we know.

I can't speak for you, reader, but I had wondered: "why is he at the sanctuary? just for safety?" "Is his father not at all curious about his body and where it was?" "what happened the night of the curse exactly?" and this just floated around my head until we meet Hulk— the personal knight to the prince and, presumably, his closest aid just based on proximity.

I think a natural question, when you first hear Hulk's story and then compare it to your mission and Will's truth in this world is— why weren't you invited onto this mission?

You're telling me the prince's personal tutor and sword teacher got to know his location and status before his knight did ? That doesn't make sense at all.

Okay so now more questions pop up from this silent implication: "was Hulk just incredibly inept?" Well, maybe. But when she reunites with the other members of the princes's team they assure her she was a wonderful aid. so, probably not?

"Had she shown herself to be too incapable of protecting the prince to join?" well if that's true Grius shouldn't have made the cut either. He failed to protect the prince just as surely as Hulk did.

"it was a quick thing, they couldn't bring everyone or it would raise suspicion" sure, this is the most reasonable option, I guess, but again— how did gruis make the cut then if it was only a few people allowed? I can't imagine he was a more useful team member than Hulk. She was his assigned knight! Ordained and everything! Would Hulk have raised too many flags? If so why not recruit her once everything had died down a bit. Hell, she goes off and throws herself into finding the prince and/or his killers for years apparently and no one batted an eye. They couldn't have reached out in that time?

But this is good! this is great actually. Already, without saying a word we the audience are told 'She wasn't picked.' And we're left to sit on that.

Where I think the game stumbles after this is shooting their resident elf girl in the back by giving her 'anime woe' disease, as I've coined, which is the disorder when you have (1) thing that's happened to you and you harp on it— tirelessly.

You've probably seen this a lot, it's everywhere in Japanese fiction (or at least the contemporary stuff that blows up into an international and online audience).

In Hulk, it shows itself through every other word being about her grief and failure, failure to the prince and the crown and the people for letting things get this bad. She isn't special here, Strohl and Heismay have the same problem (parents dead and son dead respectively) and its... grating, in them too, but I can't fully articulate why Hulk feels so offensively boring in comparison. If I were to try, I think compared to the grief of loosing someone irreversibly whom you loved (a parent or child), Hulk only loses her charge. Which she thought to be her duty of course, but this listlessness does nothing for her character.

Heismay, in his grief, becomes a recluse and racist who wants nothing to do with he world that scorned him, stole his son and tramples on the effort he did for the crown and common folk alike. He's aged with this grief and it's soured him even though he seems, generally, affable. Strohl is harder to place just because he was so young when it happened, so his grief has just fundamentally formed him as a person, but you see his behavior is shaped around this grief inside him. It's the core. He's impulsive and unable to sit aside for second chances, instead preferring to, say, run into the fire and do what he can. These two have been changed by their pain, irreversibly.

In comparison... Hulk is just... moping. She has, seemingly, changed very little since her time working for the prince. She's still happy and loves food, still serious but has a goofy side around those she respects and still speaks highly of the crown. Sure she could have changed from before, maybe she's less serious now but that doesn't make sense. It feels very one note. you complain endlessly about this failure, this loss that changed you and left you adrift, but really how lost are you? You're horribly casual during this journey. You, who wants the prince alive more then anyone on this damn ship— save will— are gallivanting around and partaking in local delicacies long enough to be distracted. It sends mixed messages.

Not to play trauma Olympics, but if you told Heismay that waiting at the end of this journey is his son, alive and well, I can't imagine he'd be enjoying any moment of leisure. Same of Strohl.

Right okay so what the fuck ever she's an inconsistent character. so what? that's why you hate her?

Well, kinda? More then anything I hate her eyes, but that's neither here nor there— 

but lets get into the fix. So on my YT channel I've talked about my problems with the game and fixes I wanna make, and here's another:

We need to rework her. Here's my pitch.

Hulkenberg is the oldest daughter of some dukedom, somewhere, and in the kingdom's employ as the prince's aid and personal knight. Though she is strong, she is haughty and sees the work to be her destiny and as such grows lax and unappreciative of what she's doing. She's a bold foodie who enjoys music and dancing more than weaponry and the job is a bit tiresome. But she is devout to the crown and her family are sanctists to their core. So her allegiance, at least outwardly, is less for the prince, and more for the institution itself.

fight happens, its a shit show. The prince is cursed and 'dies' on her watch. Because of this she is ousted from the royal guard and stripped of her titles, seen as a failure for her inability to save the prince. Wanting to prove herself, she goes on this journey to find the prince and fix her mistake, to repent for her failure that has haunted her since it happened.

What this new backstory does is:

1) explains why she wasn't taken along. This version of hulk is too tied to the church and powers that be to just disappear and never seemed to have much affection for the prince past pleasantries. It's too big a gamble to let her in the sanctuary, so less capable parties have to follow in her stead.

2) This would explain why she's left to her own devices. She's too important to her family to just be murdered outright and too strong to be assonated either, so covert options are out. Stripping her of her importance and ostracizing her from the life she knew keeps her quiet. this hulk is seen as a loose thread that needs to be cut, lest she grow discontent and cause fuss.

3) It allows for her to change from the more care-free version we'd learn she was. This failure stripped her of everything and now she's a husk of herself. But she can get it all back if she can get the prince back. Make up for her failure.

In this version of the story you'd get glimpses of who she used to be, brief flashes of the cute young woman who was left behind with the prince's corpse. Maybe not great waifu bait, but it's more fun so sue me.

I also need her to be a racist.

But, that's for the next post. This ones already way too long. If u want more my ask box is always open. mwah

Hope you enjoyed <3

[utilitycaster]

Whoaaaa holy shit something just snapped into place reading you mention the concept of creating a shape of negative space bc i've been thinking so long abt the "unspoken things/quiet part" of characters. I've often had this feeling that fandom will go a million and nine yards to red string board an ocean of depth for their favorite blorbo over.... what comes down to what's technically extrapolating based off of xyz canon, but said canon will be like "this character fidgets once, half his dialogue is quoting an in-universe play he tries to recreate (by ruining ppl's lives), and he doesn't understand why someone wouldn't want to be called a monster, therefore he is AUTISTIC and that drives his logic," or "this character has xyz vague background and is TRAUMATIZED because of WAR" inventing an entire character and it's like. Oh boy. This might be a matter of not being invested enough in these characters to TRY and delve so "deep" but I keep thinking that none of this is actually. written or feels purposeful in the context of How Storytelling Works/the Narrative to MAKE me invest or think that it's worth doing so. I always wonder how many people are trying so hard to project a better story onto something without understanding that the story actually needs to BE THERE and ADDRESSED, even subtly, and token moments aren't enough. But then that gets me thinking about how Thereness needs to exist for something to be subtle but written as opposed to Conspiracy off loose projection.

I was kinda thinking abt Laudna and how to use her as an example, because she's one of those characters for whom like, yeah I as a person totally understand the cycle of being upbeat and normal and everything and then having a random spiral of Bad Upstairs before being normal again, but narratively how do you portray that and why does everyone do it so much better than her. With equal screentime, everyone feels like they have so much more meat to their motivations and psychology despite some being significantly less fraught backstory wise. What's happening here because things just feel like they come out of nowhere with her with "oh so that matters all of a sudden?"

Hi anon,

Yes to all of this! With regards to your first paragraph - I feel that a lot too. It's a tricky situation because I think it's completely valid to project things onto characters and imagine them to have specific qualities that either you have or simply that you wish to see in fiction. It only becomes difficult in a fandom sphere when people insist that this is a fully evidence-based endeavor and not a personal interpretation (especially because a lot of that evidence is, as you say, either very much open to interpretation, or else totally spurious. The number of times I've had to shoo people off my posts for talking extensively about how an immensely self-absorbed character who never thinks about others unless forced to clearly has ADHD...but I digress). And as for the conspiracy element, especially when works aren't as good - absolutely. If you haven't read this, which I reblogged a few weeks ago (has Good Omens 2 spoilers) I highly recommend you do because what you're saying resonates a lot with OP's post, both in terms of our need as fans to project or find similarities with characters, and the fact that when people are disappointed by a work sometimes they try to create a better one, but instead of just writing fanfiction and calling it fanfiction they go full conspiracy theorist and assume there's some secret twist, and fall so hard into that all-crumbs-no-schnitzel (to borrow a metaphor from that post) fanon echo chamber they forget it is, in fact, only fanon.

Which brings us to Laudna. Before I go deeper I want to cover three things. First: for me at least, this criticism comes because I know Marisha is capable of doing this negative space work. It didn't come up much with Keyleth since we kind of knew her whole deal very early (which, to be clear, is valid; not every character needs this), but it's present with both Beau (her relationship to her father is masterfully done; the hallmark of good negative space work is that when the reveal comes you say oh of course) and to a lesser extent Patia, who, like all the Calamity characters, conveys a story much greater than the one that unfolds over a single night. Second: I think part of why a number of us in the fandom are so frustrated is that we have been doing that work of generously interpreting Laudna since the beginning, but nothing ever sticks, so it's becoming less and less worth the effort.

I'd have to go back through my archives pretty extensively, but early on, the going expectation for Laudna was that she would explore the idea of being one of the bystanders in a larger story as someone killed simply because of a passing resemblance to someone the Briarwoods wished to send a message to; that we'd get insight into Whitestone during the occupation from someone who wasn't freed by Vox Machina but rather killed, indirectly, because of them. However, not only have we not gotten that, but she also was chosen for being special: Delilah chose her as a vessel because of her inherent sorcery. So then it was perhaps about that tension between finding power in her sorcery vs. warlock levels - Pâté seemed like a clear setup for Pact of the Chain, after all - but then Marisha admitted she had no intention of taking that third warlock level, and always just planned to play Laudna as exclusively leveling in sorcerer, until FCG attacked. And meanwhile, there's no exploration of those sorcery powers, either.

Speaking only for myself, I've been interrogating "hey, why is her backstory that she was chased out of everywhere but for the most part everyone is mostly fine with her?" and "in 30 years she did nothing about Delilah? Really?" for quite some time. There's a number of questions that are not just unanswered, but lack the hints that this negative space work would provide. And to be clear there are ways to explain those things! This meta does a good job of talking through why she may have been chased out, and I've floated, in the past, that even Delilah's unwelcome presence was better than the absolute silence of being truly alone. But the work to support these fandom theories, again, is not really being done at the table, and moreover, even if it starts being done...it's episode 70. It should have come up in some capacity.

Marisha said (to be clear, somewhat jokingly) in the 2022 ComicCon panel that "Yeah. I don't want to think anymore. I'm tired," re: Laudna but the thing is...honestly, in my opinion? A character with Laudna's premise requires far more work than Beau or Keyleth to do well. Not only is she tied into one of the most famous events and entwined with one of the most famous villains of Campaign 1, but she's got 50 years of backstory! Beau and Keyleth are in their early 20s! (I could make a whole other post about this but character intelligence does not equal how hard they are to play; Imogen is an immensely tough concept that Laura's doing a good job with and she's lower INT than Laudna. I'd rather play a wizard than a character like Grog any day of the week because I genuinely believe that the acting burden for making a character like Grog sympathetic and believable without going into cheap mockery and parody is immense).

Going back to that statement, it really does feel as though every 4-Sided Dive episode or panel, when Marisha talks about Laudna, it's always just that she was envisioned as being over her trauma, and the premise was always just "make that creepy girl from her nightmare". And even then: it's fine if she'd done that - simply made a creepy character who was here to be creepy and cheerfully macabre - but through gameplay it's become clear that Laudna is not over that trauma (her arrested development being one of many options), and has acquired new traumas to boot, and for that matter never was really over it given that she displays intensely but they come up so inconsistently that there's never any follow-through. I agree with you completely that the idea of her often seeming fine and happy and then having spirals is believable and true to life, but one does need to actually follow through on the spirals - I think a lot of us finally threw up our hands when Laudna's believable, well-played, and justifiable anger and resentment after being thrown across the world away from half the party, essentially pushed into a fight that isn't her own, being betrayed by Bor'Dor, and feeling Delilah's return melted away without resolution. If you want to make a character who's over their trauma and go-with-the-flow, I feel as though step 1 is to not have an eternal reminder of one's trauma permanently stuck in one's head. "Warlock who dislikes their patron" is actually a premise that requires quite a lot of thinking and effort, and we are consistently not seeing it.

I think what's most telling is that the defense of Laudna for the weird freakout this past episode is both vehement, and in conflict with itself. Is Marisha just making a joke (that didn't really land with anyone at the table nor much of the fandom, and was taken at least semi-seriously by both)? Or is it actually great and good that Laudna is incredibly traumatized and clingy and we should all hope she becomes even more clingy and codependent? When even the people who are shielding Laudna from even a whisper of criticism can't agree what Marisha's doing, it's pretty dire, especially when that criticism is "this character feels directionless and incoherent."

So getting back to negative space: It's my hunch that there just...wasn't a lot of clarity to Laudna's motivations, and the questions in her backstory weren't answered. She's creepy and she's kooky, Sun Tree corpse, Delilah in her head, met Imogen two years ago, was friends with a little girl at some point (which we only know from 4-Sided Dive, which is, to be clear, bad that it's never come up in-game). We don't know how she feels about her sorcery powers other than a vague enjoyment of their creepiness...but she also sees them as a way out from Delilah...but she also barely engages with Delilah and hasn't done anything to get rid of her. We have no sense of how she got to "the worst thing that's happened to me already happened" because while it's completely fair to play her as feeling that way 30 years later, I highly doubt she felt that way as she cut herself down from the Sun Tree. So as a result, it's hard to pick a direction because that foundation is lacking.

The thing about that negative space is that to do it well, you really need to know what you're trying to convey. Which is also why, as you say, characters with much simpler backstories are fine; Fearne was basically hanging out at her grandmother's place until EXU and her parents left when she was very young; she is curious about her parents and loves her grandmother and is a chaotic fey entity who was sent into the Material Plane with the Weave Lens, and mostly she just wants to explore and have fun and hang out with her friends. Ashley just needs to...play Fearne like that, which she does with aplomb. The complex setup for Laudna demands a huge number of answers in the backstory, and my guess is that Marisha does not have them. I think the problem isn't with the acting (in fact, I'm fairly confident it isn't, because, again, I know from past characters Marisha can do this); it's that Laudna's concept prioritized the aesthetic, mechanics, and facts of the backstory, and didn't adequately fill in her beliefs and motivations, so she's just flailing. I also suspect from the most recent 4-Sided Dive and the most recent SDCC panel that Marisha is specifically looking for interparty conflict, and to be clear that's valid...but again, to do that believably and well, Laudna's philosophy and motivations and characterization need to be much more clearly established than they are.

[stevie-petey]

Hi there, I know you're super busy and I hope things are going well for you in school!! I saw your hcs post and it gave me an idea for a blurb. Could we see Jonathan and his crush on bug when they were younger. Like him just absorbed and enchanted with bug while she's just running around completely unaware. Maybe like they're exploring in the woods and Jonathan gets nervous so bug grabs his hand and he gets so flustered. Thank you for your time baby!! Work hard and do great!

YES YES YES !!!!!

enjoy <3

"race you to the top!" you exclaim, giggling as you shove past jonathan and force your scrawny twelve year old legs to climb up weathertop hill. he tumbles to the ground.

its your first summer in hawkins, and jonathan has promised to show you every inch of this small town.

"not fair!" he shouts back, now yards behind you after youve rudely shoved him to get ahead.

jonathan watches as you turn back and giggle even harder at the sight of him on the ground. your laugh carries down to him and the sunlight illuminates your face. your smile is infectious and despite the mud now underneath his fingernails because of you, jonathan cant help but smile back at you.

you run through some dandelions and send them cascading around you as you continue to run up the grassy field, and as the soft dandelion seeds swirl around you, jonathan cant seem to catch his breath.

your hair is in pigtails and when you turn back to jonathan again to laugh at him once more, the sunlight catches your eyes and he decides that there isnt a color descriptive enough to capture their beauty.

"i won!" you dance at the top of the hill, having won the race by a mile, and stick your tongue out at jonathan. "you suck, bee."

jonathan rests his head in grass and admires you. youre glowing, your hair dances with you, and he doesnt think hes ever seen this side of you in the few months hes known you.

here, all alone together, far from the bullies at school and the yelling in your houses, the two of you can just be kids.

youre beautiful. theres a warmth to you that jonathan cant describe.

hes twelve years old, and he understands now why his parents drive each other crazy.

here you are, smiling at jonathan as if hes the best thing in the entire world, offering him your hand to help him up from the grass. your fingers are soft and slowly starting to become familiar to him, and jonathan finds himself shaking at your touch.

"hey, you okay?" you notice his sudden shift in mood.

its slight, all jonathan had done was shuffle his feet a bit away from you, and yet you had noticed. he doesnt think he will ever get used to you knowing him so well, in such a short time span, and when he tries to tell you that its nothing, the words die in his throat when he looks at you.

theres a stray dandelion in one of your pigtails.

it rests gently against your cheek, you havent noticed it yet, and jonathan slowly reaches out to pluck it out of your hair. his fingers shake and his hands feel clammy and he wonders how theres so many songs written about this scary feeling.

"here," he offers the dandelion to you. its all he knows how to do. its all he can give you.

blushing, you accept the flower and hold it delicately in your hand. "thanks, bee."

"anytime, bug."

its the smile that you offer him, shy and sweet yet reserved and vulnerable, that makes him realize that his crush on you is more than just a crush.

jonathan byers is twelve years old when he discovers love for the first time in a grassy field filled with dandelions and laughter from his childhood.

[favouritefi]

I love your Terror catboy AU, it’s a funky combination of adorable drawings and Victorianesque pseudoscientific hierarchies. However, it made me wonder about catgirls/doggirls; if you’re happy to answer, how do you see the intersection of gender and hybridity playing out in this universe?

I LOVE THIS QUESTION THANK YOU FOR THIS QUESTION i have a lot of thots on this bc the whole "angel in the house" image of the ideal (middle class) victorian woman is such a fun concept to play with more under cut

ok so what im about to say rn really only applies to middle class and upper class women in this au as those are the main characters in the terror if we get into the lower classes its a more complicated and nuanced story.

anyway in victorian times women were expected to be chaperoned everywhere by an older woman such as a female relative or female servant lest she be corrupted by the ills of the world and by men etc. this is where cat/doggirls come in. its expected that if you have a daughter then you goooootta adopt a companion or two for her both to show off your status and to ensure that your daughter has a friend / chaperone / mentor / moral compass for life. so in cat/dogpeople households the cat/dogboys usually go off to whatever institution their bloodline is associated with and cat/doggirls usually become companions for the wives and daughters of the men employed by those institutions. its very different from human family structures because the expectation here is that your child will not stay with your household, youre making children knowing that they will likely not belong to you regardless of whether they are male or female and that you might never see them again once theyre adopted and they need to be adopted or else its a failure on you and your bloodline. (grim i know) this system is also why each generation of cat/dogpeople tends to be fairly large, little and hodgson and irving all have an overabundance of siblings and cousins many of whom theyve never met in their life.

interestingly, cat/doggirls are actually more valued amongst these families than cat/dogboys because cat/dogboys can only be sent off to the institution the bloodline is associated with whereas cat/doggirls can be sent off to any upper/middle class household regardless of association and it would still be considered respectable AND it creates new relationships between human families that the human owners might find beneficial (kind of like how marriage was historically the exchange of women to strengthen political ties between families). this means that excess cat/dogboy sons are often disappointing to the parents - edward little is one of these. all 3 of his elder brothers had already left for the navy so he grew up playing w his sisters and getting dolled up in their dresses and being told that oh he'd make such a pretty girl and pretty bride oh if only he'd been born a girl etc. totally doesnt fuck him up.

speaking of fucked up theres hickey and his whole situation w sophia. having a catboy as a companion for an upper class girl is a big no-no and only happened because [insert hickey backstory here that is too long and really should have its own post]. no body approves of this but sophia loves him so very much and they were inseparable up until they were separated when sophia went to tasmania with the franklins and hickey was abandoned to the streets against both his and sophias will. sophia refused to adopt a new more appropriate companion in tasmania and after the franklins returned to england she tried to find him but couldnt and assumed he died. then when it seems like the ships are lost and jane starts campaigning for a rescue mission suddenly hickey shows up and for a few blissful years they are together again. he is older and quieter and has scars he wont explain, but hes still hickey and sophia still loves him. and then sir john comes back and fucks all of that up again.

sorry this was meant to be about gender dynamics in my deranged catboy au but i got distracted by hickey (as per usual)

[shhh-no-ones-home]

thirst for life*

james "logan" howlett x reader

+++++++++

evidently i have a thing for disappearing for months only to come back, post mediocre smut, and then disappear again for another few months. either way, enjoy ;)

vampire!reader

* - this like mostly porn with a little bit of plot. shes a vampire so theres also talk of blood and ingesting it.

song: breakfast by dove cameron\

tag list: @hotchaosemporium

+++++++++

from the moment he walked in the bar i was intrigued. his smell was intoxicating with a hint of something unfamiliar. it was stronger than the other strangers in the packed establishment. which made me want to know more about him. or just to have him.

i watched as he sat down, looking from left to right before ordering a beer. i wondered who he would be looking for. or watching his back for. i tried to get into that pretty little head of his but something was blocking me. that made me more intrigued. and slightly irritated. 

i stood from my table, the girls i was there with looking up at me but not saying anything. they knew better. and more than that if i didn't find a toy to play with here one of them could end up the snack of the night. i walked slowly to the bar and sat down on the stool next to him.

"the usual please jimmy."

i sent him a look and he nodded. i owned most of this town, and they knew what i was. and most of them left me alone. i only fed when i needed to, but i had supply on tap here at the bar as well so i didnt have to. or at least not as much. ice cold blood just didnt always hit as much as warm 98 degrees did.

"you a regular?"

i heard from beside me and couldnt help the smirk making its way to my lips.

"you could say something like that."

i looked over at him as he took a swig of his beer.

"i havent seen you around before."

i noted, taking a sip from my glass.

"i just arrived into town. supposed to be passing through is all."

i raised a brow, turning on my stool to properly face him and crossing one leg over the other.

"you here on business?"

i inquired and he sort of nodded his head.

"you could say that."

he mocked and i squinted at him, watching him take another swig of his beer.

"names y/n."

he side eyed me.

"logan."

i took another sip, feeling the cold blood against my canines.

"well logan, i hope you stay a while. in our little new York town."

he laughed a little.

"most people dont have the same sentiment when they get to know me."

i bounced my leg up and down slowly, partially rubbing it against the back of his calf.

"most towns arent like this one."

he turned on his own stool to face me, pushing my leg to the side.

"jimmy, add his drink to my tab."

i said watching him close his mouth.

"not quite used to that are you?"

i teased and he faced the bar again, raising  a brow quickly and finishing his beer in one full gulp.

"almost makes me think."

i leaned forward, resting against my elbow on the bar.

"bout what? logan."

i said lowly, staring at him intently.

"your place or mine?"

he asked, turning his stool back towards me. i smirked.

"why wait that long?"

i asked, standing up and grabbing his hand. he allowed me to pull him off of his stool and across the bar. i caught him out of the corner of my eye glancing at the front door. i continued to pull him to the side door just beside the kitchen entrance. when we made it into the alleyway i turned around and let him push me into the brick wall.

there was only about a four foot space between the two buildings and there was no front entrance, only a back one where the freight trucks came through with their shipment dollies. this was the perfect place to feed... or do other activities.

"regular my ass."

he grunted as he started kissing down my neck hastily. i couldnt help the laugh that escaped as his hands roamed my hips.

"maybe a little more."

i breathed out, running my hands up his arms before pushing his jacket down them. it hit the ground with a thud, the leather heavy. he pushed forward, catching my lips in his and lifting me up, wrapping my legs around his waist.

"logan."

i sighed as he ground his hips against mine, his belt buckle pushing into me. he gripped my ass hard before working my dress up my thighs. i dug my nails into his upper arms, feeling his muscles tense as he moved. i could feel the blood rushing through his body making him warmer against my ice cold skin.

he kissed me harshly, fervently. i moaned again as he rocked his hips into mine, pressing his belt buckle into my core. it was cold in contrast to his warm body now only clothed by a plaid flannel button down that was starting to hang off his one shoulder.

"stop teasing."

i breathed out, reaching between us and grabbing at his belt. he looked down between us, grabbing the one end and helping me undo it. i could already feel the tent in his pants pressed against my inner thigh. i quickly undid the button of his pants and helped him push them down.

i held my panties to the side and watched as he guided his tip between my folds. i moaned as he pushed into me slowly, hearing him grunt and watching him look up at me. he looked between my eyes as he pulled out and rutted back into me.

"who's teasing?"

he smirked, doing it again. my mouth hung open and he leaned into me, kissing me harshly and pressing his tongue between my lips. i kissed him aggressively as he started a good pace. i readjusted against him, placing a hand flat on the brick behind me. he jutted into me, grunting as he threw his head back. in that moment i couldnt even think about what was going on between us.

his bare neck was mine for the taking. his veins were popping out like little rivers on a map. there were butterflies in my stomach but i wasnt quite sure if it was the insane blood lust or just the regular lust. i could feel my canine teeth poking out into my lip and couldnt help myself. i slowly traced my hand up his chest, placing it at the back of his neck and holding him steady and i leaned forward and sank my teeth into his exposed flesh.

he screamed through gritted teeth, holding me tighter to him. i squeezed my legs holding him in place. he turned us around so now his back was against the wall and i now looked like an animal that had stricken. my walls flexed around him and i could feel him moan as i drank from him. the taste was different than anything id had before. but then my focus shifted. his skin was trying to close around my teeth. i pulled back, my hands still holding him still, and watched the bite mark heel instantly.

"what are you?"

i asked, drawing my brows as he relaxed into the wall.

"im the wolverine."

he said, placing his fist against my stomach. the next thing i knew his metal claws were extended into my abdomen. i inhaled sharply, gripping onto his shirt like my life depended on it.

"thats not fair."

i smirked and he looked at me quizzically.

"you have no idea."

he said, retracting his claws, both of us looking down to see my own flesh healing in record time as well.

"well logan i think i have a solution to our little problem."

he raised a brow.

"and that would be?"

i rocked my hips forward, feeling him twitch inside me.

"fuck me as hard as you can."

i said darkly and he smiled.

"gladly."

he stepped across the alleyway and slammed my back into the opposing wall. i gasped, reaching my hand up to tangle in his already messy hair. he rested his head against my shoulder as he rocked his hips against mine. it was harsher this time though, and i could feel the bricks starting to crumble behind me as he pushed harder and harder with each thrust.

"fuck- logan."

i said through gritted teeth, his one hand reaching down between us to circle my clit and hold my panties further to the side. i lifted my one leg higher, pushing my knee into his ribs. he pushed deeper into me, biting at my shoulder to suppress his moans. then he let go of me with his other hand, placing it against the wall on the other side of my head. The only thing holding me up being the force he was pushing into me.

"im close."

he grunted, moving to bite more at my neck than my shoulder. i rocked my hips down into him as he jutted up into me again and again. we were both breathing heavy and i couldn't focus on anything other than holding onto him for dear life and the way his fingers against my clit felt mixed with him hitting deep inside of me and stretching me out.

"please."

i whined out, closing my eyes and tilting my head back, feeling my hair Velcro to the brick behind me. then i heard metal against it also. i looked over. his fingertips were hard pressed into the red tiles, claws fully extended and into the wall. his knuckles were white and there were now little indents in the brick where his fingertips rested.

i looked over at his face. his eyes were half closed and he leaned in to kiss me again. he breathed heavily against me, groaning into my mouth as i felt him twitch again. then i felt it too, my orgasm shooting its way through my body, his fingers never once stopping there motion against my clit.

i pulsed around him as he came in me, milking him for all he was worth. his pace got sloppier as he finished, riding me through my own orgasm, my walls contracting around him. i took a moment to catch my breath and he rutted into me again, pressing his fingers into my clit harder. i threw my head back, my legs shaking uncontrollably and my brain going fuzzy. 

i pressed my fingertips into him and i could hear him grunt again but i couldnt focus on that. all i could focus on was the intense pleasure taking over my body for a second time. as i calmed he stayed in me, holding me steady as i came back to reality. i breathed heavily, looking to the sky.  it was dark, like it was getting ready to rain.

"so, youre a vampire."

he brought me back and i looked down at him, wide eyed. he slowly pulled out of me and set me down.

"uh yeah."

i said, resituating my panties and watching him tuck himself back into his pants.

"whats that like?"

he asked casually, looking at me as he picked his leather jacket up off the concrete.

"im old, i drink a lot, and i cant be bothered with most people. but i own a lot of businesses and i enjoy little moments like this in my day to day."

he laughed as he swung it over his shoulder.

"sounds like you and i would get along great if youre done trying to snack on me."

i laughed as well, pulling my dress back down and opening the side door to the bar.

"if you plan on staying for a while i think i can arrange that. but dont blame me if i try again."

he sent me a look as he stepped back into the bar, pulling a cigar out of his jacket and lighting it.

"if it ends like that again i might be willing to make an exception."

i smirked as i followed him.

"youve got a deal."

[psihawaii]

i know nothing about mashup week but i do wanna hear ur thoughts on trans scott

first of all: thank you for indulging me!!

second of all: obligatory LISTEN/READ MASHUP WEEK: MEGAMIX!! ill probably make a separate propaganda post anyway but plsss. mashup tournament that scott won three years ago that he now has to host and interview every1 and i like how he’s written better than most collabs (where hes not just. himself obviously.) write him. host says the tournament is a lot more like wii sports resort now and doesnt elaborate.

third of all: ooooooooookay so. This really got away from me im gonna put the rest under a readmore.

i’m gonna refer to them w/ they/them just for simplicity, but let the record show i don’t think they care that much either way/i switch up pronouns whenever i talk abt stw AHDHDJ (my main hc for a while was no pronouns scott just bc of how the descriptions are written hahahahahaha get itttttttttt)

i’ve Alwaysssss thought scott (the character obvi. do i have to keep clarifying that here too, im always gonna be referring to the character in this postSHDJDJ) was trans ever. since i joined the fandom in late 2021. Partly because borderline forever reminds me a lot of how i realized i was nonbinary (realizing somethings wrong and then course correcting by just… doing the opposite and wondering why that couldnt possibly be the solution.) but mostly because borderline forever is just Like That. . But more on that later

OUTSIDE OF THAT so much of how they act is sosososo deeply trans to me, or at the very least very egg-like and in denial deeply. THE THING that got me deep into stw initially was gifts of gaming because what the fuck man. scott’s very public breakdown because they feel extremely alienated from their peers and that this isn’t an isolated incident!!!!!! (finding other people unrelatable that is (and that’s probably also an autism and/or aroace thing but it can be all of those at once. Smile.) like so often is scott self deprecating abt how nobody cares abt them or their interests or how desperate they are for attention. dude.)

and like. okay so i made an entire nonbinary dysphoria comp already but there are so many. weird throwaway jokes. that aren’t… you know directly about them being trans/dysphoric but about how they hate facial hair or their voice or hated that they couldn’t have ‘girl toys’ growing up or that they shower fully clothed or that they’ll just. roleplay as a girl.

(and i was gonna have a whole bit about… i think you could make some kind of point about how scott ‘roleplays’ as a girl in specifically romantic/flirting contexts (tinder + speed dating) and how that could play jnto their dysphoria, but i also do just think they’re aroace. but there’s something there)

and no matter the intention of the jokes they’re still like. canon. (and i was gonna do a whole thing abt how scott the woz (the show) treats continuity basically being that. jokes + ‘throwaway lines’ establish canon things because they keep being brought back, and that lore is (with few exceptions) consistent. it’s fun. and meaning that these things are (assumedly) things scott thinks/does/how they act even off screen.)

and also i guess if im gonna talk abt trans scott i could At Least dedicate an entire paragraph to borderline forever because holy shit man. Before i rewatched a bunch of episodes this year, i of course had it in my head that borderline forever was totally trans coded but i sorta reasoned that that was my own headcanon clouding my perception and that it wouldnt be that blatant (<in quotes because im sure The Man Himself didnt intend for it to be read this way, but its fun to interpret it as such) but no it really is.

what do u mean theres been an unseen force in your life that’s always been there but you hadn’t noticed until you experienced internalized transphobia talked about something tangentially related, that’s now preventing you from living your life and doing the things you want to do. That isn’t directly harming you, and that other people can’t notice so they dismiss you. What do u mean.

Closing in is literally a song about how they can’t believe they’ve been living their life like this and how they feel like they’re suffocating from the idea of continuing to live like this. They saw the border glow. If you will (sorry.)

The ending of borderline forever is pretty… its… well i guess for me to really have definitive thoughts on it i would have to decide on what i think the allegory is because scott taking the border back serves different purposes for different ones, good and bad. In terms of the trans allegory, I initially considered that it was like him. Accepting transness as part of themselves and learning to live with it and move on from that (effectively transitioning just not. Outwardly (?)). Until my boyfriend (forced to watch every scott the woz lore episode for (for the most part) the first time with me) pointed out n. No it kinda just seems like they can’t imagine themselves as any different/better and thinks This Is As Good As It Gets so they retreat back to their status quo. And like. Huh. Yeah. 100% it’s still affecting them negatively and they hate it but they’re ignoring it now they saved the world and they never have to succumb to the horror of being understood and perceived i mean no one else has to worry abt this ever again.

like… two years ago i wrote a fic about nonbinary scott called Abiura Di Me (it’s never getting finished, i was originally gonna do a little comic to end things off but it felt kind of ehh. the only way i’m finishing it is if i completely start over. which who knows.) and, despite not rlly having this interpretation at the time, i did want to kind of explore scott like that, thinking they’re ‘content’ with their life now and wondering why they still feel unhappy/unfulfilled.

In general scott feels like a character that’s so… rigid and strict with their identity/attributes of themselves in a way that, often, makes them miserable, or at the very least in a way that they’re self deprecating abt like i said b4. (i.e. their virginity, and how it oscillates something they take pride in vs. something that they’re ashamed of (b4 accepting it in barrel blast)(youtuber slash tumblr user prim m, in description of their barrel blast mashup did a rlly interesting lil. few sentences of analysis abt this in particular!!), but is, to them at least, a key part of who they are that they have to keep asserting + how they talk abt themselves liking video games and how, similarly it oscillates between smthn that brings them a lot of joy and again, smthn that they’re ashamed of thats another reason they feel isolated, but is nonetheless. Probably THE defining thing about scott.)

And while this^ feels like a general internalized transphobia thing, it’s probably THE reason i think they’re nonbinary specifically, although i fuck with transfem scott severely. I really like the idea of scott unburdening themselves from any kind of labels and kinda just being happy Existing, it’s essentially what they already want/think they already have just with less expectation put upon them to perform. You could say. Preventing themselves from being put into a box or. Or yknow… some kind of blue borde-[i am killed.]

But anyway to answer your question trans scott is my lifeblood i love them a lot. I like… half joke their egg has been fully cracked now bc of the bits they’re pulling now (mainly. Changing their name in same name, different game and. all of gamer products.) (and side note even though i can glean Transness from any1 of these jokes and that… in a lot of cases scott Is the butt of the joke in them they don’t rlly feel meanspirited most of the time. whether thats bc im in denial ro theres smthn to it thats any1s guess. Tee hee.) i think they’re figuring stuff out and how they want to be perceived and if this is really something they want for themselves (is, but going abt it weirdly/making a joke of it and not taking it seriously (again, goes w the whole self deprecating rigid identity thing!!)

I don’t think scott changes much upon transitioning. Even though i think in the stw universe hrt/gender affirming surgery does… pretty much whatever you want it to and none of what you don’t want (i’m going off the… one ama where he said smthn along the lines of the stw universe is a perfect bubble where nothing bad happens + being able to get treated for murder + how i think scott the real person would think that kinda stuff works AHDNDIJDDJ and also cus i think its funny) i dont think scott would Want to change much physically. But i really like the idea of them keeping dyed blue bits framing their face (get it.) + slightly longer hair. and boobs cause i think thats awesome. personality wise they’re exactly the same and still suck though. But w/o shame and i love them

[kakiastro]

Short Astrology post : How do you communicate?

*Not my photo, found it on google

Hey yall! I’m back with another post that’s going to help you better understand your communication skills better.

This topic came to me because I had a friend who always wondered why people say he comes off aggressive when he talks even though he’s not upset or anything, he just sounds mean as hell 😅. He let me look at his chart and long behold he has Mercury Square Mars and Moon 😂 I told him that his passion for certain topics comes off as angry, once he calms his emotions down and speak in a more direct way, people won’t have that aggressive or mean perception of him.

So how do you communicate? Ask those around you how do you come across when you talk to them, we tend not to notice how we sound ourselves than what people perceive of us. However, you can use your astrology chart to better your communication skills even if you’re good at, theres always room for improvement.

Here’s How:

1. Mercury Sign + Degree + House + aspects to Mercury

-Mercury in astrology rules over all communication, it’s how we voice our thoughts and opinions to people. The sign it’s in is the traits we show while we are talking. The degree is like the influence of the sign and the house is where you may see a lot of those house topics are discussed either by you or other people in your life. The aspects influence how you come across to others.

For example: I have Mercury Capricorn + 6h + 3° and I have a few aspects but my main one is Mercury conj Venus.

Put it all together: if you been following or gotten a reading from me than you know I’m direct with how I communicate lol I don’t Bs you, I try to keep it real with y’all. The 6h rules over teaching and routines and teach y’all about astrology almost daily on here, when I’m not being active on here, I’m playing with my dog or reading and writing which is very 6h energy lol. I’ve been told I’m an amazing writer and I do write stories and poems.

-if your Mercury is Retrograded then that means your communication skills will get better as you get older. Rx means your thoughts are all over the place, you may be misunderstood and misunderstand others. It may take you longer to process information for you to understand and no this doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it’s just how you’re wired. The key is to take your time soaking everything in before you communicate your thoughts. If someone ask you a question, it’s okay to say “give me a moment to answer that.” Take your time processing what’s been asked and gather your words correctly. If you rush, then you can end up saying something you’ll regret or your point won’t come across as clear.

For example: I have Mercury Rx and the amount of spelling errors I make when I type, now matter how many times I reread , I don’t notice it until after I post it then I have to re-edit my post and stress out😩😅

- also another thing, if you have Mercury rx, then you have a way with words even if you don’t realize it, people will remember what you say because it’s so different and unique.

2. Your 3h

-the sign and planets (if you have any) influence your communication because Mercury rules the 3h.

For example: I have a Virgo 3h and as you can see I’m wordy as hell lol, I break it down to you lol

3. The house Gemini rules + if you have any Gemini placements + Gemini degrees you have.

-Mercury rules over Gemini. Gemini rules over all communication in astrology. The house Gemini rules is what you like to talk about, what others seem to talk about.

For example: I have a Gemini 12h. Having a Mercury rx with this placement is a mess. Everyone communicate like the mad hatter too me, hell including me, what did I or you just say 2 minutes ago, whatever😂 the good news is that I’ve channeled this energy with being a better writer lolol

So how do you all communicate?

[avocadoraisin]

biting the prev anon rn because i can always tell exactly what fella you are drawing BECAUSE they have wonderfully distinct features and your art is literally so incredible and each character has such edible shape language and ough,, literally obsessed,,,your faces are literally goals to me the amount of references you use and the care you put into each piece is so cool and really pays off,,i think your faces are wonderful and actually so insanely talented and inspiration for me and lots of others :D

disclaimer: I genuinely have no idea what tone the prev anon was going for. i answered knowing theres an equal chance its meant to be a lighthearted observation with maybe a hint of critique or just meant to sting

and I dont wanna jump to conclusions! i dont think they were really trying to be mean-spirited (unless they were and wanna come back and try again or something LOL)

cuz like yea, i do struggle with face consistency lmao its something ive moaned about on main a few times

i have many different styles which range from more cartoony to more realistic, but if im trying to draw in the same exact way more than once? like for a comic? fuckin oof. its also why I dont like leaving comics unfinished- trying to draw in the same style again the next day is a nightmare on top of the already difficult task of drawing the same face more than once

but thank you so much im

i struggle the hardest sometimes with successful likenesses. i watch some artists draw a character w 3 lines and they're instantly recognizable and im like "HOW. HOWW"

& i realized immediately that i was struggling the hardest w Hoffman and Strahm despite them being my faves so i need my 101 References for support LOL (and even then!! youd think id master drawing them by now GHAHGAGH)

so while drawing, in the moment, im focused entirely on making sure the characters look like who they are supposed to. so between art, they morph and wobble depending on what features i decided to exaggerate that day and it is CRAZYY

[i actually made a post about it before ahaha]

thank goodness drawing isnt my day job lol

ANYWAY theres no point im trying to make here, just rambling.

thank you so much for your kind words ;o;

[galactic-johnny]

It's ya boi here, I watched the new Gundam Requiem for Vengeance. I wanted to hate it but it was actually kind of good (with some gripes). I would rather die than make a reddit post/comment about my opinion on media so I'm posting it here. I will be talking about spoilers and a non exhaustive list of thoughts.

I'll start with the bad.

So there's the character (not mecha) animation that many people poiinted out looks bad from all the traielrs. It's still not that good but I got used to it. If you look closely you can notice some animation errors that people have been posting screenshots of, but personally I didn't notice them mid watch so I wasn't bothered. The thing that did bother me was some of the sound design/mixing, like a Gouf is shooting the weakest sounding gatling gun ever. The voice acting is okay but there are parts in every episode where I was like "wow that was kind of a bad delivery". From my understanding the original script/voice recording is in english, and then theres a japanese dub translated back to japanese which I'm told from a japanese speaker also sounds weird.

The main thing I've seen people on reddit complain about, and the thing i have the most thoughts on, is it coming off as too much of a pro zeon stance and making gundam fans pro-titans. I'm mixed on this. So the director is a french guy who was wearing a zeon t-shirt in a promo video and said something like "we're excited to show you a story from the Zeon side of the war" which gave me bad vibes but I wanted to wait and see. The first episode has a part where it's trying to evoke the nazi parallels while a guy is giving a speech, but it doesn't have much more of that after the first episode.

Many redditors have pointed to the "the zaku has saved a lot of lives" line. My issue is: What happened a few hours earlier in context? Why do you think he would have positive feelings toward a Zaku? Discuss with your partner what we can infer about this character's background. My issues with people pointing to scenes like that and zeon soldiers talking about their war for independence is that do you think it makes sense for them to be like "btw our side is pretty fucked up, our guys have committed a bunch of atrocities" "oh yeah Loum, where we completely destroyed Side 5 and killed like 2 billion civilians". Basically I think it makes sense in context for Zeon characters to talk about the war like it's patriotic war for independence.

The problem is that the show doesn't really explain the context of the war that well, and it would probably help some people to mention it. Like mention that thing at Loum, explain the start of the war and the 3 second warning and how they've destroyed a bunch of civilian colonies, or that half the human population has died in this war, why the zeon soldiers hate the federation and the conditions that led to them starting the war, and most importantly at least mention the colony drop. I kind of wonder if they wanted to show the colony drop but they wanted to animate it and at some point in production an exec said "yeah no that's too time consuming and expensive, just skip that", but they really should mention that, its like the opening shot of the original Gundam 79.

The show is trying to be a One Year War side story from the perspective of Zeon soldiers, while also wanting to be an introduction for people have not watched Gundam that should be able to explain the context of the war and not glorify zeon too much while still making people care about the characters, doing so in a span of six 20 minute episodes. It's a difficult task and the creators did not seem up to it. I've watched most gundam TV shows, including all Gundam UC timeline stuff and read some of the manga, so I'm decently informed on Gundam, but if I were to show this to a friend that has never seen Gundam and want this to be their introduction I would probably let them know a few important things (like the colony drop). To be fair it has some things that are probably good for introducing someone to the setting, but yeah its leaving out some important stuff.

That's my take that no one asked for on that particular criticism.

There's also some obligatory newtype mentioned stuff because they want to introduce it to new people, but it doesn't play that much into the story and I'm just glad they didn't make newtypes that are basically jedi (cough cough thunderbolt).

So here's the good stuff.

The best part is easily the mecha battle animation. It's cool. I have a goblin brain which demands violence and likes giant robots fighting. The Ex Gundam is truly a menace every time it appears. The mobile suits weighty and there's a good amount of giant robot gore. The design is divisive but personally I was into it and seeing it may convince more people to be into it. The only thing I'm not into is the weird head and eyes on the model kit, but thought it looked much better in the show. There are some technical aspects of the fights that are a head scratcher but honestly I didn't care that much because goblin brain. Like the Gundam is getting circled by three Dopps, and leaps up and slices one with its beam saber, and like yeah imagine cutting down a super fast jet with your sword but also it was so cool and thats what matters. I also really liked the Zaku, Gouf, and GM. I really hope the Gouf and GM get model kits (not pbandai plz) and I would be the first to buy them. The only mobile suit design I didn't like was the Guntank but that's it. Basically the mobile suit fights are a visual treat and that's what I really wanted to see.

I don't have too much to say about most of the characters, but I thought the protagonist Iria Solarii was interesting as far as gundam protagonists go. She's a mother with a ~10 year old son, she had a husband who died a few months into the war and they were both musicians that were drafted(?) into the war but had a good thing going on before it started. The people around her have grown more bitter and vengeful the more they lose while her goal is to follow orders and survive the war so she can see her son again (I'll get back to this). 6 episodes probably isn't enough for the amount of characters they had but I liked Iria.

It accomplishes being a gritty OYW Gundam war story with cool battles and evoking emotions about the tragedy of war, which is basically the best I could have expected.

The thing I'm most mixed on is the ending/last 5 minutes. So far I've seen people saying they don't like it all. On one hand it's so anti climatic the way the random Gouf pilot, and they quickly show the Ex Gundam pilot was a teenager without much time, and Iria just changes her goal from "i want to see my son again" to "a federation child soldier died before my eyes, therefore I will keep fighting against the federation" and these things are sort of ungraceful.

But to me it also kind of works. Like the Ex Gundam pilot dies so suddenly and without fanfare, he won't be remembered or celebrated, and he's one of many teenage pilots in the federation, almost as though for every amuro and other gundam protagonists, there's another of this kid who's skills and accomplishments didn't matter and died as a cog in the machine. The Gouf pilot can't even comprehend that Solari was upset, all he say was the drone that killed the person he cares about. Solari saw the federation send a child to the front lines to help them shoot down the fleeing Zeons, she sees them as the monsters her friends saw and now feels more righteous killing them than she did before, because there is nothing that below them. The Ex Gundam pilot was just a kid, he felt he was righteous in slaughtering all the Zeons because they started this war and have killed many more of his own side. But his mercy is not rewarded because for everyone else the war has dehumanized and driven a wedge between these people. After the war ends the problems that caused it still aren't addressed which is why for decades it keeps repeating. It made Solari more vengeful than she was at the start so she believes she's righteous in staying with zeon remnants after the war ended.

So I think that a tragic, ungraceful, anticlimactic ending kind of worked with what it's going for. Like yeah it's a pretty bleak note and I think Gundam is better when it's both bleak and hopeful, but overall I'm more for the ending than against it.

[comradeboyhalo]

I would be interested in seeing the tierlist if you made it

i was going to make this a separate post but ill just answer this here. also im obviously going to be biased bc i see some eggs more than others and ofc i miss out on a good chunk of lore bc i only know english. so if im wrong, theres a reason for that!

my hot take is that roleplaying as a child > any other lore crafted. so that shapes the bulk of this list. AND NO SLANDER THEY ALL DO REALLY WELL, THIS LIST IS NITPICKY BC I OVERALL LOVE THEM ALL.

dapper: I SWEAR IM NOT (COMPLETELY) BIASED. a few months ago, dapper's admin would be quite lower, however he's really gone crazy with rp recently. his body language is really cute and feels very childlike, and i really enjoy how he saves emotional sucker-punches when you least expect it. his deathday signs hit that much harder because he rarely shares his feelings. the soul vulture lore was really well drawn-out with a great pay-off. and it all felt very in character and gave so much character development. if dapper openly shared his feelings all the time with bad, i dont think any of this would feel as powerful.

leo: leo feels so much like a character, and i mean that entirely positively. whenever i see her, i feel like i dont even think of QNPC05, i just think LEO. shes spoiled and bratty but in an adorable way, her body language just screams CHILD, and her use of different heads is so fun. also she was the first egg to use colored signs! she has a lot of worries and social anxiety, but i feel like whenever she communicates these to foolish, it never feels info-dumpy. its actually very impressive how much emotion she can put across just through body language.

richarlyson: i actually was wondering if richas should be lower and everyone raises their pitchforks. i know. hear me out. i really like how detailed richas' admin does his lore HOWEVER i sometimes feel like he doesn't act baby enough. idk. theres something about how leo and dapper emote, and even their worries and insecurities, that makes me see them as much younger. that being said, richas' dedication to family conflict is really well-done and something that more eggs should do. (and for everyone disagreeing with me, i know. i know why im wrong. but i just cant help the vibes i get im sorry?). i get a lot of cuteness agression when he shifts to check if people are following him tho 10/10

tallulah: tallulah and pomme are interchangeable bc they both do what i DONT prefer in rp, which is writing out your feelings. dont get me wrong, its great to know the eggs' thoughts, but those sort of angst dumps just dont hit as hard every stream. tallulah just edges out pomme bc she is a bit more irrational, and makes a lot of mistakes, which i think is a brave move in rp.

pomme: pomme has a really well-crafted character, but, again, i really prefer eggs who are harder to figure out vs eggs who lay all their feelings out. pomme is a bit too influential in bbh's lore decisions imo, sometimes i think she should let things play out a bit further before she tries to reign him back. i know shes just rping, but metawise, i think the admin should let him cook a little longer. i do really think she has a great "child soldier" vibe going on, which feels v much uniquely hers. i just think she could take more risks in rp, pomme is a very logical egg but she's still just a child. i dont want her to always choose the logical answer, i want to see how her young perceptions can force her to make a wrong decision.

ramon: ramon is sort of a weird case in that hes ABOVE tallulah/pomme cause he doesnt do what i dislike. however hes below them in general characterization. that being said, hes really underrated in his relationship with fit, and has some very gut-punching one liners. but hes also kind of like richas where i know LOGICALLY he does roleplay like a kid but i just. the vibes are not the same as dapper and leo. what can i do about that. hes just too competent i guess.

chayanne: chayanne is another egg thats hard for me to catch on stream, but i havent really felt any standout moments from 01 or 06 (however i think 01 plays best cucurucho). idk. i know chayanne's personality pretty well, i just need something...more. maybe i just tune in at the wrong times? i DO love his opinions on philever tho lmaoo. i think his best moment was when he kept trying to fight while quackity repeatedly told him he wasnt strong (reinforcing his greatest fear). and i think the fact that chayanne isnt placed in more dangerous situations really hinders his development (since hes understanding of why phil keeps him protected).

[eziojensenthe3rd]

Midnight Gaming: Serious Tooning

So last night I played Serious Sam 2 past midnight, checked socials later to find.... nothing notable to report. Welp no news segment today.

So when I did my post on the serious sam games for midnight gaming, I felt a bit bad about how I felt about Serious Sam. I know the games are good when you're facing off against tons of enemies but at times, depending on the difficulty, it can either be slow to build up to that momentum with some difficulty spikes now and then or just downright malicious with enemy spawns. And then theres BFE which is just downright bad. So I decided last night to try and delve a bit more into serious sam and try to lock in to a game in the series that i've felt uneasy going close before: Serious Sam 2, a game that repelled me before because of its cartoony aesthetic.

So I decided to install the game on my steam deck, load it up and had trouble with the graphic settings. Trying to change the resolution ends with me having a black screen and needing to exit the game, I turn off settings like bloom and lens glare because they suck and of course, turn the dialogue and subtitles all off. Yeah similar to Borderlands 3, you can turn off the annoying dialogue which in my previous attempts at SS2 I didnt think to do. As a result I only got maybe halfway through the first world before quitting and never touching it again.

So heres the thing, I may or may not have seen this and forgot about it but apparently in 2021, Serious Sam 2 got an update which added a lot of features, starting a new game will present you with options to change the enemy amounts, allow for combo weapons, sprinting and to enable a radar. This is important because this made playing SS2 a lot more enjoyable this time around. Dual wielding any combination of weapons you want is one of those ideas that make you wonder why they didnt do it more often. Usually its just the pistols that can be dual wield, the vr titles let you do that while SS4 has it locked behind skills. Being able to fire a rocket launcher in one hand with a double barrel in the other for close encounters feels like the most ideal way to play serious sam, combine that with the grenade hotkey which is original to SS2 and you can effectively have three weapons at once.

That radar that was included in the update is also just a nice quality of life, showing enemies on the radar so you dont have to scan the enviroment for them. Wheres that screaming bomber running from? Right there on the radar pal. I actually ended up getting much further into SS2 this time around compared to my previous attempts, got to the asian stereotype planet before I called it for the night and I felt pretty satisfied. Before I said the cartoony vibes didnt vibe well with me but thinking on it, it actually does fit with the chaos of the Serious Sam series, the colourful hordes of enemies exploding in a color of death, what other genre works better than the one thats most associated with slapstick violence. The main issue was that the dialogue and cutscenes were trying to go for a saturday morning vibe with corny jokes that seem more geared towards children, in a game that contains a lot of over the top violence and gore. Speaking of cutscenes, for some reason the cutscenes played in two windows both overlayed with a green and purple hue. Since i've mostly been skipping them, its not that big of a deal.

So yeah, Serious Sam 2, a very unappealing game for its cartoony look, has now become one of my favourite serious sam games thanks to that update. Its kinda sad that the reception to this led to croteam abandoning any notion of doing any similar to it, in favour of the prequels but now I want a game that matches the chaos of 2 but without the corny attempts at humor, maybe aim for something like the saints row series? Infact, The Next Encounter was kinda like that.

All in all, i'm sorry Serious Sam 2, you were a lot better than I gave you credit, all it required was a few qol features and changes to break through the surface to what was great about you. Like a durian fruit, stench like hell but a taste like heaven. And for you reading this, maybe consider giving it a go too.

Croteam please bring The Next Encounter back. Remaster it or put up a port come on.

Thats all for today, thank you all for reading. Feel free to leave some feedback or game suggestions. Anons are currently on.

[chiffaust]

SORRY IF TBIS AENDS TWICE LMAO ANYWAY I WAS THE ANON THAT SEND THE QUESTION ABOUT THE REQUEST UHH HERE IT IS (FEEL FREE TO WRITE IT WITH SOMEONE ELSE IF U WANNA AUAUAU)

so rei with a friend (they have a crush on rei but hasnt confessed yet) thats an idol too !!! cool, right??? readers group is finishing a concert, ending with a song where reader is the main vocals (which is pretty rare for em,, i was thinkin something like this) and the day after the concert reader goes missing, and the rest of their group is oddly quiet about it,, and then rei accidentally stumbles upon them like a month later?? reader ends up confessing they cut off contact with everyone except their group and hasnt left their house because they were getting stressed,, and end up confessing that they like rei,,,

FEEL BETTER S. REI

〝 ☆ 𓈒 SYPNOSIS  𝄒  sometimes you feel like giving up on your dreams and die

〝 𓈒  CONTENT WARNING 𝄒  descriptive implications of reader being depressed, self loathing, if theres anything else i missed please let me know!!

(n.) — note hihi its been a while since i posted anything huh.. this fanfic is fucking long and unproofread so ignore if i did grammatical mistakrs or someyhibg... i am sorry for making you wait for a whole month for something likr this cesarsbeloved merry christmas 🤗

Everything starts and ended in a flash—you are starting to wonder whether any of these are real in the first place.

You used to like being on stage like this; singing your hearts out with your unitmates, trying to capture as many peoples attention as possible.

But these past few days, you feel nothing but dread whenever you're on stage. Is it burnout or are you really not that into being an idol anymore? You didn't know either.

And shouldn't you do your best since that Rei Sakuma had actually agreed to hold this concert with you—the esteemed UNDEAD with a unit such as yours. What an unlikely joint of events.

Well, it's all coming to an end anyways. You've decided to give everybody something they haven't seen before in a while, but would they like it?

You're sure that your other unitmate could hold this off better than you—hell, their voice is better than yours anyways. Why did they even agree to let you do this?

There isn't any room for regret now, the show's coming to a close. With a heavy heart, you sang. Your skips a thousand beats a minute; there was nobody to cover up your mistakes, nobody to help you. Even if they could, it'll be too late and you'd already embarrass yourself in front of the huge crowds.

Well at least UNDEAD isn't currently on stage to see you fail first hand, you suppose.

This is just terrible, this is why you don't like being the main vocal.

Your song surprisingly went right, nothing terrible happens but there's still something that looms behind you—some sort of sense of shame?

The moment you walked off stage, you instantly ran towards the bathroom.

The tap water sinking into the drainer was nothing but another white noise to you. All of your thoughts and emotions are whirling inside of you—it all felt so overwhelming to the point where you're sure you can break the edge of the sink that seemed like you're holding onto dear life to.

You wouldn't say you're insecure about how you look, but you'd be lying if you said it's not hard trying to look at yourself in the mirror right now.

Sometimes you simply wish you could look like someone else; someone prettier and more talented than what you are right now it's going to drive you to the edge.

Oh, and how you wish you could punch the mirror right now.

This isn't right, you should remain your composure. You've worked so hard for this, have you not?

But do you truly deserve it?

You shook your head, trying to regain your composure once again. It's terrible that you just ran off like that—they're all probably worried about you.

Your lips formed a thin line as you looked at yourself in the mirror dead in the eye. You only scoffed before closing the tap, preventing anymore water waste. You felt like you should apologize to whoever was paying this place's water bill for wasting water.

But nonetheless, you remained your composure. Your thoughts are all repressed to the back of your head; at least for now.

You unlocked the bathroom door, and opened the door. You didn't expect to see anything the moment you open the door, but to your surprise none other than Rei Sakuma himself was standing afoot, his hands behind his back as he did nothing but smiled.

"Ah... Sakuma-san...?" You stuttered, suddenly gripping onto the doorknob for dear life. "D-did I made you wait for too long...? Aha, sorry if I did." You sheepishly apologized, closing the door behind you.

"Ah, no. I was simply waiting for you to come out."

"So.. Like... You wanted to go to the bathroom?"

"Fufu, as I had previously stated; no. I was concern over your wellbeing, thus followed you here." He chuckled.

It's really... Surprising, indeed. Why would the Rei Sakuma be so worried over your wellbeing? And what did he even expect you to do in there?

"Thank you, Sakuma-san." You thanked, unsure on what to do other than that.

"There's no need for formalities; we're friends, aren't we? You can just call me Rei-kun ♪"

"Rei... Kun, huh?" You muttered out the name. You couldn't help but smile at his words, even you could feel your cheeks heating up.

"[Name], shall we go back to the others now?" He asks, his smile never falters even slightly as he nudges his head to the direction the others are, you suppose.

If you weren't blushing before, you are absolutely blushing right now.

"... Sure." You replied. You still wanted to keep your composure, you didn't want to seem weird over such simple friendly gesture.

But that was so embarrassing...?? Why'd he call your name like that??

"Well, Sakuma—urm, Rei-kun. Was there another reason for you to do this?" You ask, walking alongside him as you passed by workers who were doing their job to finish cleaning up for the day.

"You're sharp, indeed." He smiled, turning his head to you, "I did notice something rather unusual about your performance just now—by no means I am trying to say it's terrible; I am simply rather curious. About you, specifically." He continues his monologue before his gaze falls upon you once again.

"You weren't acting like yourself, were you?" He asked, his tone sounded nonchalant over such question—too casual, is that the word?

His question is also ridiculous. You don't know what he means. No idols by all means truly act like themselves on stage, do they? It's just ridiculous.

"Fanservice, sultry clothes to keep the fans hooked—shouldn't you understand it, Rei-kun? You're an idol; an esteemed one, that is." You sighed, shaking your head. "I am sure even you don't want to reveal all part of yourself to the public, so isn't it... Quite a hypocritical question to ask?"

"It isn't about fanservice and whatnot, it's about how you acted so indifferently than the others; you looked sad, [Name]."

"... Please don't try to poke your nose into something you aren't apart of." Your tone was something of an angry whisper more than anything. You gritted your teeth, your hands curled into balls as you look away from him.

"Of course I wil not, that is something I am not qualified to do, but do well remember that we all love and care for you." Suddenly, his hands were on top of your shoulders.

His grip on your shoulders were firm—so warm for a self proclaimed vampire. His smile was so gentle too.

"I will not force you to tell me about your problems, but if you ever need someone to talk to please remember that I'm always available." With that, his hands left your shoulders, and thus he turned his back on you, leaving you there.

He stopped on his tracks and glanced back at you, he suavely smiled at you with a wave before he walks once again. "Don't be too late, alright? Your unitmates must be worried sick about you."

Perhaps you should've listened to his advices, but are you going to? No.

It's been... Months? Since you last saw Rei, you hadn't even went outside for a while. You feel so dirty for not doing so, the only source of light in your room was from the computer screen.

Your whole place is a mess, but you felt no motivation to clean up; no motivation to do anything anymore, not even to eat.

Your phone was left with thousands of unread messages from your immediate family, all voicing their concern about your sudden disappearance, but you knew they all had ulterior motive and didn't bother—you just can't bother anymore.

Your friends had been understanding of your situation, but you had allowed none to go inside your apartment—either way, it's pretty disgusting.

You soon lean back onto your chair, feeling nothing but eternal dread. How did you end up like this...? You used to be so bright and cheerful. How did you turn into a loser who hasn't seen the sun in weeks?

You want to change, you want... To go outside for a change. You haven't hanged out with your friends in a while, you want to hang out with them again, you wanna laugh with them again.

But do you even have the motivation to even put a deodorant on? You must smell pretty disgusting for not showering in a while. Ah, you'll just force yourself to.

You didn't really think too much about what to wear. You simply put on whatever clothes that was the closest to you. A hoodie and a tracksuit, it's fine. It's starting to get chilly outside anyways.

You grabbed your phone and other essentials before going to unlock the door. You stare back at your apartment, sighing through your nose at the ugly sight. Alas, you left.

The leaves are starting to fall down, the atmosphere is starting to get colder—the winter days are near. Ah, just what happened to fall?

You felt terrible; you've made so many plans with your friends this fall but only to end up standing them up like this. But surely they understand, right?

And how is Rei doing today? Does he miss you?

... Why would you even want to know. Him missing you or not is the least of your concern. You should be trying to fix your life that's in shambles right now, not think of that bastard.

Your attention focused on the cobblestone path, silently passing by different people with different lives—ah, how you envy them. They are all probably living a normal, comfortable life with their loved ones.

A normal life without needing to overthink about the simplest mistakes you make and even if they did, they'd come back home with someone to comfort them. How envious you are of them, really.

You shook your head, trying to shake those loathing thoughts away. Ah, must you really think of that right now? Just focus on... Trying to interact with another human being or something.

You continued afoot; to where? Not that you have a peculiar place in mind to go, but the park is always the prettiest in times like these. Maybe you should go there.

And thus you followed with your idea. The moment you were in the park, you covered your your lower face with your scarf. There was so many people here, it'd be a terrible thing if someone were to find out you're here.

You doubt everybody thinks you're dead, but still. Being caught in a park like this would be embarrassing.

From where you were standing, you could already see the lake frozen up as the atmosphere grows colder around you—the snows are piling up at the side of the pathways, much enough for children to already start playing with it.

The laugher goes through your ear and left the other as you further walked near the railing of the lake.

Christmas is near... You wish you could spend it with your friends and family this year, but you don't think you can after going on a sudden unplanned hiatus like this.

A rather melancholic feelings arisen within you. Ah, this is just terrible. You grip on the railing tighter, trying not to let a single tear fall.

From the corner of your eyes, a man came a close, leaning on the railing also besides you. The distance between you two is big, but it still felt awkward nonetheless.

"Christmas... It's the most wonderful time of the year, don't you think so?" The man asks. You would've just nodded or replied with a short yes like any other person would, but his voice. He isn't just some random guy—his voice was rather familiar.

You look over to your side to see the Rei Sakuma standing right beside you.

Wait, how did he know you're here? Or does he genuinely think you're a random person? Wait, what are you even supposed to do now?

Should you show your identity to him? Should you just pretend to not know him? What should you do?

"I-I guess." You coughed, pulling on your scarf farther onto your face as you glance away from the man.

He would be lying if he said he didn't knew it was you, but you don't seem to be too ready to disclose everything from the looks of it, so he'll just pretend; he'll simply pretend that you both are nothing but strangers by lucky circumstances.

"The snow... Does it remind you of anything, may I ask?" His question was a weird one. Well, it's Rei Sakuma... He is known to be an eccentric, so you suppose his questions are oughtta be eccentric too.

"... Well, I suppose it takes me back to when I was a dumb kid, playing the snow with my friends." You responded, smiling fondly at the memory. "My friend accidentally hit me with a snow so hard I accidentally fell and slipped down and hurt my head. Funny story."

"Fufu, that is a wonderful story. It brings back many nostalgic memories of me and my little brother in the past."

"I suppose." You replied once again.

Soon silence followed. The lack of conversation made the situation awkward, for you at least. There was white noise of children laughing and people talking, but it doesn't matter.

"I have a question for you, if you don't mind answering it." He suddenly spoke, his gaze didn't stray away from the distant buildings and his smile stays the same.

"Ah...? Go on?"

"Whenever you think of Christmas, does anyone come to mind? Christmas is a wonderful time of the year; even you have someone who you cherish deeply, no?"

You stayed silent. To him, his silence says it all.

"Ah, my apologies. A rather rude question to ask someone whom you've just met, huh?" He tried to damage control everything. "I apologize again, stranger. You must have somewhere else to go."

He pushed himself away from the railing, and soon turned his back on you. It reminds you all like that moment you shared with him on your last show.

"Until we meet again, kind stranger." He turned his head back to you for one last time.

Before he could leave, you instantly grab ahold of his biceps. His smile never falters yet you can see the confused look on his face.

"Sakuma Rei-kun. Please don't leave yet." You brought your scarf down, flashing him your face for a few moment.

"Ah, [Name]-chan. It's been a long time, hasn't it?" He asks, flashing you a closed eye smile as if he did not just try to pretend that you both are nothing but strangers.

"How did you know I was here?" Was your first question to him before you let go of his arm.

"I did not. It was simply a coincidence." His response deadpanned you mentally. "Perhaps even God has decided we'd be more a fit to be together and brought us in the same path once again...?" He chuckled at his own unfunny joke.

Your heart skipped a beat at his statement. Well, that was simply just a joke. He likes to tease around, yeah. It's a joke, don't get your hopes too high...

"I'm sorry for disappearing. I... Should've told you sooner that I'd be on hiatus, huh? Well, sorry. I'm a bad friend; if you even think of me as one..."

"No, don't fret over it, [Name]. I was concern about your sudden disappearance, but I'm sure you have your own reasons—whatever it is, I truly do hope that it's settled."

"I have been so lonely without you, you know? Without my best friend beside me, just who will I tease otherwise?"

"You are not funny, Rei-kun." You replied.

"Fufu, alright, alright. I'm sorry." He apologized, yet the chuckle he lets out says otherwise.

"But it has truly been a while, [Name]. I'd like to know more about everything that happened during your disappearance. Shall we grab a cup of hot tea?"

"Nothing happened. I was just fighting my own demons during my hiatus, I guess."

"Oh? Are you saying you summoned a demon during your break?" He asks, looking genuinely confused at your statement.

"It's... A slang." You muttered out.

"Ah, I see. What a weird slang, fufu. Perhaps I'll ask the children about it later." He chuckles, leaving you dumbfounded yourself.

You couldn't help but chuckle at his own words. Seriously, this guy such an eccentric.

An "I love you..." suddenly rolled down your tongue before you could even realize it.

Silence soon followed once again. You weren't sure whether you said that loudly or not, but the look on his face says the former.

"You... Love me?" He asks, bringing his hand to his chin as his cheeks were tainted with pink hues.

"Uhm, no... I didn't say—uhm, you're dreaming. Nothing about this is real." You stammered out, trying to hide the fact that you're far more than embarrassed that you accidentally confessed to him.

"Fufu, there's no need to be embarrassed about it, in fact; I do love you too."

Those words that rolled down his tongue, it was... Too surreal, you suppose? No way the Rei Sakuma from the unit UNDEAD would like—no, love you back, right?

What a strange turn of events.

[decepti-thots]

re: meta again. first, thank you for the long answer! you have a lot of interesting points, e.g. how fandom spaces influence how you interact with media: my first fandom space was restricted to teenagers who mostly knew nothing about media analysis (and it was also animanga haha), and then I moved onto tumblr, where - in my memory - most users were slightly older teenagers but still didn't know much about media analysis. there probably was meta somewhere (apparently on LJ?), but I didn't see (or notice?) a lot of it. which possibly also was because I changed fandoms a lot more quickly, and I feel like many others did, too. there's a book fandom where five years ago, the general sentiment about an antagonist was 'well fuck him' and now people write extensive posts on why he did what and what that means for the story and why it mirrors the protagonists arc etc, which maybe means that sometimes fandoms need time to get past the initial excitement of new things to give more attention/time to meta?

I very much agree that tumblr makes interactions/discussions harder. especially re: reblogs - its so easy for someone to disagree with you in a reblog and some of their followers to take that as a hint to hate on you - I've seen this happen mostly related to "shipping the wrong things", but why wouldn't it happen for drawing the "wrong" conclusions in a meta post? I feel like the general tumblr user is older than they were 10 years ago so maybe I should hope that they've grown up as well and are more reasonable about this to be fair

what I also noticed regarding the book fandom and TF is that TF fans - depending on your specific bubble probably - seem to be more aware that writing meta is a thing, because they're more likely to call it that.

re: elitism - it's important to me that the things I was referring to can feel elitist, not that they are, if the distiction makes sense? maybe it also wasn't the best/fairest choice of words, sorry. the sentiment isn't meant towards e.g. the people complaining about headcanons that have become accepted in the fandom but have zero relation to canon. its more frustration that theres seemingly infinite canon material and you can't really join any conversation without interacting with a good chunk of it, while (seemingly) everyone else has already done that already.

and finally, wonder if part of who writes meta and who doesn't is fandom "socialization"; there seem to be a few people for whom it appears easy to express their thoughts online, and then a much larger amount of lurkers who don't, and I've never really figured out the cause.

god tumblr does really let me put as much text as I want here, I'm a bit sorry for the long message. If you have any further thoughts I'd be happy to hear them but no pressure

First of all: no apologies for the long message! I love it, I will put my thoughts under a cut for everyone's dashes but we LOVE an in depth fandom meta-meta discussion in this household. I started this blog to RAMBLE and rambling is WELCOME my friend.

You make an EXCELLENT point about how longevity can influence fandoms here, anon. Especially for fandoms where there isn't a constant drip-feed of NEW canon, I absolutely think fandoms living on and people going back and re-engaging the source material to look for new ways to engage it can gradually make meta a larger part of the fannish space sometimes. (To give my own book fandom example, I was on the periphery of book!Good Omens fandom back in the day, and the amount of time people had spent with just that one single book meant that more and more discussion of the ways you could read and work with that one book meant there was some very in-depth meta going on there.) (…as you can imagine, the last few years have been a hell of a wild time for me with the show fandom becoming the Hot New Major Fandom, LMAOOOO.)

There's definitely also something there about the old "if someone I follow clowns on a person, my (para)social relationship with them means I feel like I'm doing a social faux-pas by not choosing a side" you mention here too. Tumblr really makes visible the idea of social networks in a way I have to admit I overall find uhhh. Kind of not great. "If I follow someone who follows someone my mutual hates, do I need to perform my support of someone here", that kind of thing. (Answer: no, that is some Panopticon shit, bring in the Foucault. I am only half joking.) Even over an objectively inane Transformers headcanon take, it's the social mechanism more than the content that brings in the pressure I think. Again. Web 2.0 wants everything pushed at everyone all the time to encourage More Interaction, and reducing any sense of wider social circles being removed from you personally is a part of that I think. It's all equal on The Endless Timeline, innit.

I see what you mean about the "feels like" distinction on elitism, anon, now you lay that out- that makes sense. I do think TF fandom is sometimes a bit of a minefield in terms of like, even within certain subdivisions of canon there's so MUCH stuff (and the fandom has, IMO, a bad habit of not bothering to decide what is more or less "useful" in conversations; sometimes tertiary material is… you know. Tertiary. LOOKING AT ALIGNED FANDOM). I think those of us who are sometimes a bit more "canon completionist" do need to approach these things in terms of like- take IDW1 fandom. If someone posts meta about MTMTE based on just material from MTMTE, approaching that in good faith and not going "well it's in continuity with phase one, and THIS phase one comic says [xyz]", but instead seeing it as a perspective that takes that one text as a complete thing in itself? (And maybe considering how that perspective and how it differs from one which looks at the whoooole canon is interesting, rather than deficient, in its differences of opinion.) There are folks who get very snotty about people doing that in a way that is, at the very least, unproductive. (And the folks bringing in their Extensive Lore Knowledge TM by whining stuff from other continuities contradicts a take on a different continuity are just uhhh. Annoying. Those people can just Stop, Please, lmao.) I think understanding that different approaches to what "canon" even is can be interesting rather than something to be "corrected" might go some way to making it feel less… intimidating? Alienating? For folks working with what they like.

As for the confidence in sharing opinions thing… I can only speak for myself but uh. If I have a personal flaw it is unwarranted overconfidence, not insecurity, haha. Let me put it that way. I do think that cultivating a confidence in the idea "I have my own personal tastes, and those tastes are idiosyncratic and do not need to be compared to other peoples' taste, and they are Valid TM" is a skill to be honed and one I think is worth honing, and I think may be a big thing here from my anecdotal observations. I find that many people in fandom don't have a lot of confidence in the idea that you can express not just an argument for "objective" (lol) "quality" but a sense of personal taste? (This is not unique to fandom, at all, but I think fandom has a lot of it, if that makes sense.) Especially because often the things fandom centres around lack cultural prestige. It's why an appeal to being Real Literature TM is the go-to argument for why fanfiction is "acceptable". I think a similar thing can be true of opinions; to let go of the urge to have everyone agree with you 100% of the time and to be "proven" right, you have to feel confident enough to sit in subjectivity and be like. My opinions may be subjective, but that's fine. And you do have to cultivate that! But I think that's where the "I can express an opinion and not feel destroyed if someone flat out rejects it and I can't even disprove their argument" trick kinda lies, maybe. And maybe meta is easier if you've already internalized that, so the possibility people will be like "nope" is less scary?

[crazycatsiren]

ive been following you for a bit, and theres a character trait of yours that i want to understand better. you just seem to have your fingers in so many pies, so to speak. you have chinese heritage, so you practice your ancestral folk practice, which allows you to advise others on buddhism and other related practices. and you're also catholic. and you speak out so much against people not using terminology such as shamans, citing your heritage, but also, despite struggles with mental health in the past, seem to be fine with the hypermedicalisation of mental illnesses (although frankly i can't remember the exact posts made here so please forgive my memory about this.) and you have chronic pain, and a strong attachment and identification with cats, and i think a connection with the greek pantheon as well, and more besides all this - honestly, im a bit in awe, and a bit frustrated that i just cant keep up. how do you manage all of this? dont you worry there will be clashes between different sides of you? i hope this doesnt come across bad, ive only listed all this because i want to make sure i put myself across right, and to leave opportunity for correction if im wrong about stuff.

Life experiences, as well as exposures, have a lot to do with it. And being in my mid 30s now contributes, too.

I've been to and lived in many places, and I've been among and learned from a lot of different people. I don't have supportive parents, so many things I've had to learn the hard way and figure out on my own. My fierce love of learning has led to reading a ton of books, two university degrees, and a constant seeking of knowledge.

And all of these aren't different sides of me. They're pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that make up who I am as a whole. They put together my identity and life as a disabled and queer woman of color, as well as a spiritual and religious person who loves many things, and who wants to discover as much as possible in this world with the time she has on this earth. There's been a great deal of deconstruction, unpacking, unlearning and relearning involved, and they happened over a period of literal decades. Of course, I've had lots of help along the way. Therapists, medications, doctors, access to resources and information, a wonderful support network. I've been through hell and back more than a few times, and I still carry many scars in my heart. I'm in no way a finished product.

But the important part is that I've become an incredibly adaptable and flexible human being. There's a reason why the wheel of fortune is my favorite tarot card.