#and often learn to channel later in life past when they may have already had children

[amemoryofwot]

Thinking abt my coworker who was so upset about the Eggy drifting down the river scene and I’m like ok sure those are your OP Onions but do you have no curiosity about this ceremony, does it not compel you to think about it?? Where and when and how did it start, was it a Manetheren tradition to sort out early Power users? I think it explains the Two Rivers producing such strong channellers way better than some nationalistic “pure blood” shit (girls AND men should have been dying without being properly taught to channel remember!). If this ceremony has been teaching some level of control to channellers that has been ensuring their survival beyond their first touches, then they would be able to have children and so on.

[reverielix]

Bang chan as a boyfriend based on his chart?

Sure ;)))

Let’s get straight into it!💭

I’ve been wanting to talk about his interceptions/duplications for some time, and now it finally fits haha!!😊 His Venus is intercepted and...let’s say that his chart (+ Saturn singleton and other aspects) poses some obstacles for romantic relationships, and suggests a personal transition/journey he has to go through in order to even allow himself to experience romantic love and affection....🤭

Scorpio is intercepted in the 6th house in his chart while Taurus is intercepted in the 12th house. Capricorn makes up for it and rules both the 8th and 9th house as Cancer rules both the 2nd and 3rd house. So what does that mean?

First of all, the qualities associated with Scorpio and Taurus are hard for him to access as they weren’t taught or understood at an early age. This can further suggest that he experienced a lack of love and tenderness, while receiving criticism, (Saturn singleton, 6th house stellium, Chiron in the 6th makes him extremely sensitive to criticism, he started young as a trainee and went through monthly evaluations and such for 7 years!) which probably influenced his self-perception, as he already has low self-esteem and lots of self-doubt implied in his interception, which suggests a need for validation and extra-love, though he was given the opposite. Moreover, he could’ve had issues forming an opinion and sticking to it (supported by his Libra placements), fully devoting himself in a relationship (any type, Mars conjunct 7th house) and leaving his comfort zone. Lack of privacy, fear of loss and struggles regarding finances/recourses may have also occurred in his life. These aspects in regard to the 6th and 12th houses hint at an unstable and insecure environment as a result of lacking routine (e.g. going to sleep at odd hours with Pisces and Virgo here) and giving into bad habits. Something generally big in his chart is his insecurity and deceiving perception of himself as well as his ways of coping (intercepted Taurus, Saturn singleton, Virgo Chiron,... surpresses/ignores feelings or ignores them). He may use his self-doubt and criticism from both others and himself as a “fuel” for his determination and work-ethic to try and prove others and a part of himself wrong. Although one might argue that using negativity to grow from it is benificial, he harms himself subconsciously by having that mindset, since when a) he fails, like all of us do sometimes, he will fall into a pit of self-hatred or b) he achieved a goal, but after it, he’ll still be unsatisfied and want more. It always ends back where he started; craving for UNCONDITIONAL love, but he won’t give himself that type of love (unconditional love can also be associated with Neptune, which is in retrograde in his chart, and can contribute to hyper-awareness of his own wrongs). The love he gives himself is conditional and situational, which he adapted from all the lack of love and criticism and makes him feel like he will never be enough. A big lesson he has to learn is that his work/success doesn’t define him, and he is enough without his awards and wins. He’s an amazing person just being himself, and once he realizes that he deserves unconditional love, he will also be a step further to allow love to come his way. (You can’t come from a place of hatred and expect love to come out at the end!)

In terms of his Venus and his 7th house conjunctions, I can see how he craves love deeply and intensely, he craves privacy and validation, though with intercepted planets the individual isn’t allowed or suppresses a core-part of their personality. In Chan’s case, he suppresses his longing for romantic love and relationships as he is taught to focus on his work (he channels all his energy through his Saturn singleton, work is existential to him) rather than his need for affection, because “I don’t deserve love anyway” (conditional self-love, damaged awareness of self-worth). He perhaps doesn’t consciously know who he is looking for, but craves stability, (a routine to help him feel comfortable, as he values that with his Cancer and Capricorn duplications, but we’ll get to that later) sensuality, validation, appreciation, inspiration, acceptance and most importantly: love! In terms of Taurus here, which is intercepted and is ruled by Venus, I can see how a big life lesson is to value and appreciate his materialistic possessions and achievements that originated from hard work. He needs to learn how to feel appreciative of his past efforts and learn to feel satisfied with himself and his past efforts as well as allow himself to rest.

His Saturn singleton in conjunction with what I’ve discussed previously briefly points out; he channels his entire energy though his work, through restrictions, through his reputation and his ambition. (This Placement fits perfectly with him being on stage. He performs with such purpose, with such determination and devotion by using his body (Aries), and most importantly with his group (11th house).) The Pluto Mars conjunction also hints at Chan being a very devoted individual, who can get engulfed in his task and even isolate himself when doing something he’s passionate about. His Saturn is also in retrograde, which internalizes this placement and makes him very conscious about his success, reputation and overall misery and hardship that he wants to (perhaps aggressively or boldly) take action on and improve all the time. He fears letting people down and wants to live up to their expectations, while often letting himself down in the process, which feeds into his conditional self-love and lack of self-acceptance. He sets limits for himself, when actually, he wants to be free, because he lives in fear of not being enough and fulfilling people’s expectations of him as he wants to have a good reputation and success, be better than all the authority figures with criticizing eyes he’s been exposed to all his life. A contradiction within himself here is that he doesn’t want people to tell him what to do, he doesn’t like being pushed around and wants to be his own boss, but as soon as somebody expects something of him or questions his authority, he wants to prove them wrong and so does what they want. He is a pushover, in a way, but is consciously very resistant toward rules and boundaries other authority figures set for him to follow. Additionally, valuing tradition and following a routine (6th house interception) can be hard for him (especially when it comes to sleep, 12th house). Further interpreting, his Sun (Libra, 5th house) is opposite his Saturn, which can indicate a gap in self-perception that I touched on in the previous paragraph, outlining his rather subconscious (12th house interception, so this part is more “hidden” from him, while the 12th house is already hard to access in the first place) way of self-destruction considering his way with doubt and criticism and how it will forever remain a spiral of negativity that results in no progress if he doesn’t understand he is deserving of UNconditional love). Additionally, he might believe he can only be loved when he performs well and succeeds, which is obviously not true, though it is a big life lesson for him to truly understand that, with his 12th house interception and his tendency to ignore his intuition/spirituality to listen to the logics (air signs and other). He can escape this spiral of negativity by learning this big lesson; he is worthy, he deserves love, he deserves privacy, he deserves care (from himself and others).

Ways to “unlock interceptions” and learn the previously mentioned life lessons are to look at the “directors” (the signs that rule the intercepted houses, so in Chan’s case it’s Libra and Aries), the duplications and take into consideration his intercepted Chiron. First, let’s look at his 6th house ruler: Libra. Libra ruling the 6th house is usually a sign of self-care in a physical sense and beauty and care in everyday routine, pets or a desire of taking care of one. Though, with his Saturn singleton in Aries (opposite Libra) I can see how he works too much and disregards his mental and physical health (12th house would be mental health here). A helpful way of dealing with this is arranging a routine in which he assembles self-care and private time (he had a lack of, which the interceptions point at) to feel instead of brushing his emotions off (12th house interception). He will feel lonely. He longs for love with his Pluto conjunction his descendant, he can even become obsessive about it and feel the need to be with somebody. But as long as he doesn’t understand he deserves UNconditional love from most importantly himself, he won’t be able to allow (healthy) love in his life and recognize when he isn’t being treated the right way, because he pushes others away and has no clarity of what he deserves. In this routine that I have previously mentioned, where he shall implement self-care and privacy, he needs to give himself time to feel and not push his emotions away anymore. And as he accepts his emotions and turmoil, this 12th house part that we all have (this part that Billie addresses in idontwannabeyouanymore), that is hurt and deals with all the things we brush off in a “call me what you wanna, ‘cause I’ve probably called me worse.” way (self-criticism with the Chiron in the 6th — as Chiron is also healing and the 6th house comes together with routine and stability, I can see how this fortifies my claim — and interceptions). When he lets himself feel, accepts his negative feelings and takes care of himself, he will learn to love ALL of him (also his “demon” and will learn to access his 12th house). Through all of this, he will trust himself and his intuition more, learn to use both his brain & heart — here I think it’s remarkable that Melanie has multiple Taurus placements and a Scorpio rising — as the line between reality and delusion isn’t blurry anymore. Listening to his intuition, he will start to feel comfortable with himself and the things and people around him. He will learn to surround himself with the things he feels comfortable with, and not only “should” (brain). This is a big desire: comfort. His Cancer/Capricorn duplications leave him longing for a home, though as long as he doesn’t feel at home with himself, he won’t feel at home anywhere (ties in with 2nd house Cancer and his self-esteem being ruled by the moon with a desire for comfort). And when he learned to love, accept and feel comfortable with himself, he will allow love into his life and not push anyone away anymore (he will learn that it doesn’t matter if he failed or not, if he worked hard enough or not: he deserves love and care like he gives it to others). This is how he could “unlock” his Venus, perhaps. Regarding his Neptune retrograde in the 9th; in conjunction with his 12th house being intercepted, he needs to learn to create a sleep pattern that is healthy and provides him with enough rest. This will then also strengthen his trust and intuition.

Also, his Pluto Mars conjunction conjunct his 7th can imply that whenever he experiences hurt or is left by somebody else, he can transition this pain and obstacle into power and drive, motivation with which he approaches new relationships. This ties in with the dominant role that Saturn plays in his life, as Saturn is essentially working hard through hurdles and misery to come out successful.

So, now that we’ve established that his chart is challenging in regards to his love life and really just anything, we can get into the actual thing haha

⇢ confession/beginning stages

His Libra Sun and Mercury in the 5th, Gemini rising and Aquarius mc can give him a very playful and airy first impression

He is generally attracted to mannerism, soft spokenness and gentleness, as he also likes showing these parts of himself to romance others haha

Would probably take it slow and not rush into relationships (would take a while to confess, he first has to relish in the feeling of having a crush lol)

He might want to introduce himself as the fun and flirty version of himself, though I feel like he’d be way less bold than Minho (he’s a shy Libra bean) — it doesn’t mean he’s “acting” or anything. That’s just as much him as is every other part of his chart.

I don’t think his Venus would shine through in the beginning (I’d be more his air signs taking the lead, talking away and vibing lol) He’d most likely keep it light and nice on the first date, show off his manners yk👀

His intercepted Venus stressed that it would take him a lot of work to let himself freely express his love language and refrain from bottling it up

But once he does let himself express his love freely, during his confession or an intimate moment, it would fizz all up

His confession may be very thought through and planned, though in the moment, he’d just improvise anyway and fizz up like a bottle of sparkling water under too much pressure from holding back everything

Heartfelt confessions are his specialty, though he’d probably get very emotional

Scorpio is already kind of a wild sea, waves hitting the stones, but that interception would just contribute to this inner tension and turmoil

Once he feels attraction toward somebody, it can be very intense, even scary at times

His confession would be the one of a young boy who feels love for the very first time, intense and emotional, maybe clumsy

Though he’d mean every word

He’s just such a loving and caring person,,,,I’m not crying you are because even astrology says he’s nurturing and lovely

⇢ overall behavior in relationship

I feel like this short fic describes it pretty well haha (I read it and immediately thought of his Scorpio Venus interception)

It could be scary for him to be in love with somebody and go past the first, flirty phase

He’d be very devoted and give his all in the relationship (like how Minho would)

Just with the exception that Minho is pretty aware of this part of himself and embraces it with confidence

Though Chan on the other hand would get to know himself in another light

His emotions would fizz up, as he’s held the desire for love back for way too long (his Libra placements and especially his Pluto descendant conjunction have been begging him) and he could perhaps find the intensity of his romantic feelings scary or shocking

His Pluto descendant conjunction gives him a transformative feature. He can be drawn to relationships in which power dynamics can become toxic, though he has the skill to take the pain and transform himself from a hurting to a more powerful person in control. This can be something to look out for when he hasn’t yet gone through the lesson of acceptance and love for himself as his little self-esteem can be abused by a partner with this placement (Also, his Taurus interception hints at a lack of self-worth and boundaries, just like his 12 and 6th house interceptions do, as he can have issues recognizing when something is happening to him that is not right and he doesn’t deserve). Pluto conjunct the descendant can also hint at a partnership in which both partners are very successful and work together toward wealth, success and a comfortable home. His Venus is intercepted and this aspect points at, amongst other things, an unknowingness when it comes to an ideal type or what someone looks for in relationships. The Pluto descendant conjunction and Venus placement suggest that he is subconsciously on the outlook for or especially attracted by somebody who he can work hard together with and is devoted to the relationship and him. He may end up with somebody very successful and wealthy, who transforms him deeply as this person can feel to him like they are too intense for words to describe them.

His Mars conjunct his Pluto and the descendant accentuates what I previously said as he tends to express his drive and motivation in one-to-one relationships, which can bring a passion and determination into a relationship. He tends to get swallowed up by what he does, oftentimes forgets time or a sense of when to stop when he’s especially motivated or passionate about something. In a relationship that could mean a great deal of loyalty and devotion as well as proactiveness when it comes to achieving shared goals and fulfilling shared desires.

His Venus is in a square aspect with his Neptune, which is in retrograde. As I have discussed before, he needs to give himself time to let himself feel. Here it is suggested that there can be a cloud where certain feelings lie. He has a hard time accessing his subconscious, dreams, spirituality and intuition (in conjunction with his 12th house and Neptune rx he, as he has also confirmed, doesn’t have a good relationship with sleep). He has difficulty with his feelings and recognizing, accepting and embracing them. He can be prone to deception and misjudgment (reality and delusion are blurred, as I said previously and also mentioned a way to “unlock” that). Here it’s possible he may choose a partner not right for him, somebody who deludes him into that tale of an intense and powerful bond as his Venus interception also suggests, as already mentioned; he doesn’t consciously know who he’s looking for. He simply craves love and a comfortable, successful future and tends to see that in people who are not for him. It may be hard for him to feel fulfilled if he doesn’t feel fulfilled with himself yet and also because of this deceptiveness he tends to have.

All these things, the 7th house, Pluto, Scorpio, Mars and the interceptions are very much rooted within him. Having watched this video (I would highly recommend you to check her channel out if you’re into astrology!) on shadows and blind spots in astrology, I realized that love and Chan’s attitude toward love is deeply rooted in him. It can be a sensitive topic and bring out blind spots, parts of himself that he doesn’t really know or want to except. He may push his s/o away for bringing out these deeply rooted and emotionally triggering as well as intense things and shining a light on these aspects he dislikes and rejects about himself. He can live in denial of his longing for love and behavior in love as well as his desires, and be protective over these things. This can express itself in engagement with toxic endeavors and relationships. A build-up of jelousy, rage, vengeance and other negative qualities associated with especially Scorpio can come into play. He may be in denial of them and hardly even be able to access these parts, though I feel like in relationships, these qualities are prone to explode in his chart, as he is also likely to bottle anger up and avoid conflict. Maybe he has a hard time staying with somebody, though he is a devoted lover, because he can’t address the problems rooted within himself and rather projects them onto others in one-to-one relationships. Again, though, when he lets himself feel all these negative feelings, all the hurt and aggression, he can transform into a very powerful person and change who he is on a deeper level. These placements, which are tightly conjunct with love and relationships, point at the most vulnerable and scariest parts of him. Confronting scary parts and being brave is the key here!

His Venus interception, if not resolved, (though even when it’s resolved, it won’t forever be gone,) poses obstacles in love style and overall behavior in specifically romantic relationships. He may be shy and tapping into the unknown as he can be clumsy and confused in love. Like a boy loving for the first time, he will have issues expressing his love in a way he feels like is true to himself or feels comfortable. He has difficulty accessing Scorpio qualities and since his Venus lies in Scorpio, I can see him also bursting sometimes. As in, one day he’s more cold and holds back and on another day he showers his s/o with all the love. He can be very intense in love, especially on these days where he just can’t hold back anymore, where this intensity fizzes up.

I think he’d run into a lot of problems finding somebody who is right for him, but once he’s figured it out, he will be such a devoted partner with a passion to proactively work on the relationship and shared goals and desires. He will work hard for the relationship, just like he does for everything, because after all, that’s how he expresses himself with his Saturn singleton; through work and dedication. Love can be life-changing for him. But emotional highs and lows can occur as he “transitions” and continues to grow. It can often be a deep transformation that can feel like death and rebirth. This is the thing I’ve talked about earlier: he is self-destructive (and can also project these denied things about himself onto others) as he tries holding things associated to Mars, Pluto, the 7th house and Scorpio in his chart back/in. The interception being “unlocked” doesn’t make it disappear though — he’ll still be struggling with it and find it hard to address his emotions, establish routine or take care of himself as he gets lost in his passion and work-ethic.

Lastly, we cannot forget that the 5th house, the Sun, the Moon and the 2nd house usually play a big role concerning love in the birth chart as well. Most of these placements reflect how he knows himself and identifies with certain traits. All the previous things I’ve discussed are things hidden and deeply-rooted in his persona that he can have difficulties recognizing and coping with. So let’s jump into the parts of himself that he’s more comfortable with and more aware of, which also implies a more direct and conscious expression of the following aspects. As I already said referring to the first stages; he approaches romance in a flirty, gentle, fun and romantic way. He may enjoy going on dates a lot, meeting new people, being open-minded and generally gets along with most. He just has an easy time with romance in general as he possesses a natural way with words, though shyly, and a characteristic ability to attract many. It could be that he sees it as a priority to keep the romance alive, so he will keep arranging dates and such all throughout the relationship. Somebody with Libra placements or traits can make him feel special and admired, understood even. He can be a good advisor, great at giving compliments or a “therapist figure” to his partner, and is generally very giving. Good for him would be somebody who gives him validation, reminds him of his self-worth, respects his personal space and creates an environment of privacy and intimacy that’s in a way secret and visatable to only him and his s/o. Somebody who provides comfort, care and affection. (Something else would be conditional love. He could base love off of fairness and imply conditions, which both his Libra placements and his Neptune rx suggest, as Neptune can represent unconditional love and the “merging” of two souls. His Venus in the 6th can also suggest high expectations that hold him back from forgiving his partner’s mistakes and flaws as he could hold a grudge or hold these mistakes against his partner in future affairs.) He may also show his affection in a more practical way with gifts, acts of service and touch.

⇢ dates

I can see him being pretty spontaneous haha. Sagittarius is on the cusp of the 7th house and his Pluto and Mars, which are conjunct his 7th, are also in Sagittarius, so he may enjoy little trips into other cultures with his partner to relax a bit from work. Also, let’s not forget, he has his Sun and Mercury in his 5th and many personal Libra placements, he’s a big romantic. It’s how he knows himself, how he shows himself, how he communicates and how he feels. I thought I’d mention this part of his personality, because it’s the most straight-forward and commonly known “version” of Chan, even to himself. Since a partner tends to bring out 7th house qualities and motivate a person to be less their ascendant (the person they were motivated to be as a child or in their early lives) and more a “hidden” version of themselves (so in Chan’s case more bigger-picture-oriented or in favor of getting to know new cultures instead of only taking short road trips,...). So, here’s a little scenario in 1st person (just skip it if you’re not into flash fiction haha):

After 17 hours of flights and waiting, a hard-bedspring hotel mattress seemed a dream, but “the stars shine bright tonight,” Chan smiled

So instead of a douvet, a beach towel pressed against our backs

It had been 2 months, and though it was only an extended weekend, I was gonna spend every second enjoying him and Montpellier.

“I still hate that I forgot my dress.”

“You look better in my jacket anyway.”

The waning moon painted the sea, shone in his eyes

“Can’t have a cute French guy steal my baby.” Sweater paws covered his dimples, but his eyes told in the way they winged up

“Never.”

The Scorpio and Pluto conjunction is coming through🤭

Taper candle lit and polyester napkin folded into a lotus, we sipped on the nicest sounding wine the menu offered.

He laughed with gold in the eyes, an Italian-style suit and curls on his forehead.

“I’ll get whatever they do.” He tilted his head as shadows traced his dimples. The waiter rose his brows.

“I’d like...uhm...Beu- Boeuf bouuu-” Letters morphed into each other, a strand fell.

“Boeuf Bourguignon. Oui, ready in a minute, madame, monsieur.” He left behind an onion smell.

When Chan reached for Ficelle slices, sleeves were loose on his suit.

“This garlic spread’s nice.”

“So nice, you’ve got to have it on your face?”

He covered his face with the sleeves as he wiped

And then some of the spread ends up on his sleeve lol

If life is a movie // Oh you’re the best part.

11:23pm

D-Major vibrated off his acoustic guitar, and his voice accompanied mine through the last chorus

The mattress was softer than expected and his voice fuzzier than I’d remembered.

Love me, won’t you “ever leave me”

Guitar on the bedside table, his arms enclosed me. Nowhere else would I have rather been. (Lol sorry for being cheesy)

Also can we just appreciate his TALENT for a second like this man gives me goosebumps with that tone and his stunning vocal stability☁️💗

Additional small thought; I think with his Sun conjunct his Mercury in the 5th, he isn’t only good at communication, thinks a lot and is proud of it, but also probably talks to himself haha

Feel free to lmk your own thoughts on this post as well as other aspects concerning his chart, let’s chat!💫

//I also want to add that, yes, without the possibility of him using his birth chart to his advantage and making his “demons” a controlled part of him that he turns for the better, he does have a very difficult love life focused on business and unhealthy power dynamics in which he would most likely be the one seeking control, considering his libra placements as well as the significance of Saturn in his birth chart suggesting that he feels the constant need to conform to societal norms for self-esteem reasons and others talked about above like the Saturn retrograde.//

[foodbytesback]

The Rise and Fall of Bon Appetit

Sometimes life comes at you fast.  Sometimes, that means stories in the food industry break in such rapid succession that you have no time to blink in between.  Sometimes, it means someone found out about something racist you did a few years ago.  What happens when it’s both?  Ask the fine folks at Bon Appetit.

In recent years, Bon Appetit made a name for itself, rising from the ashes of dying print media, through its Youtube channel featuring a diverse cast of personalities.  But over the course of this past week, many of the publication’s executives have been found to foster a toxic workplace culture, rife with racism, sexism and homophobia.  

Before I get too deep (because this is going to be a long one), I feel the need to point out that while this story’s breaking happened to coincide with Black Lives Matter protests across the country and gained traction from people’s outrage towards inequality, the events that have unfolded should not be blamed on “cancel culture,” “political correctness run amok” or any other reactionary dismissal of critical thinking.  Adam Rapoport didn’t lose his job because Black Lives Matter, Black Lives Matter came to be because of the damage that many in positions of power like Rapoport have done in both mainstream media and society as a whole.

[Also, yes, there are going to be a lot of links to Instagram posts that have been screenshotted and uploaded to Twitter.  Clearly the real takeaway from this debacle is that I need to get an Instagram account.  Also also, thanks to Tumblr’s new rules about offsite links, you’ll have to go to my main site for the full receipts.]

Preamble

Shortly after the killing of George Floyd, Adam Rapoport, Editor-in-Chief at Bon Appetit, wrote an editorial highlighting some of the coverage they’ve given to black chefs.  Many criticized this as being superficial and performative, with others saying that BA has, on numerous occasions, shut down articles relating to black culture for not being “trendy” enough or otherwise was discriminatory towards black employees. (Also, the repeated use of “uprisings” instead of “protests” seems a little suspicious.)

An article from Eater criticized the role BA played in the appropriating and whitewashing of many cultures’ ingredients and cuisines (gochujang, Aleppo pepper, and sumac seem to be some of BA’s favorite ingredients) that had become prevalent in food media in recent years.

While it’s a fairly minor offense in comparison, it may also be worth bringing up the time Rapoport accidentally called Priya Krishna “Sohla,” the name of his other Indian employee.

Monday, June 8th

Food writer Tammie Teclemariam posted a screencap of an Instagram post made by Rapoport’s wife, which depicted the two of them donning Puerto Rican stereotypes as Halloween costumes, brownface and all.    

Many were quick to declare their outrage and demand that Rapoport either resign or be fired.  Meanwhile, Sohla El-Waylly, one of the leading stars of the Youtube channel, was one of the first BA employees to speak up, and disclosed that this kind of behavior was just the tip of the iceberg.  She said that BIPOC workers have been paid disproportionately for their work, including not being paid a per-video commission that the white stars of the Youtube channel receive. 

Molly Baz, one of the aforementioned white stars, announced that she would no longer make videos for BA until all of El-Waylly’s demands were met.  One by one, their white coworkers chimed in in agreement.  

Former staff photographer Alex Lau also wrote an extensive tweet thread about his experiences at BA, including how he had futilely tried to fix the system from within.

By the end of Monday, Adam Rapoport had resigned from his position as Editor-in-Chief.

Tuesday, June 9th  

Since Rapoport’s official resignation did little to fix many of the systemic problems in place at BA, many began to turn their attention to other senior members of the staff.

Some came for Andrew Knowlton, the Restaurant Editor, for behaviors such as gaslighting an employee for trying to bring up racist practices in the offices.

Others called out Matthew Duckor, a VP at Conde Nast and BA’s former “Head of Video” (Did a 3 year old come up with that job title?), for a series of old racist and homophobic tweets.  He tried to apologize by saying that he was young and didn’t know any better at the time, but many were quick to point out that he was, at the youngest, 20, aka for all intents and purposes An Adult when he wrote those tweets. 

Tammie Teclemariam returned to ask current and former BA employees to DM her information about Duckor that they didn’t want to go public with themselves, ranging from his hand in the aforementioned pay disparity to making inappropriate comments towards women.

Teclemariam also did even more social media muckraking and found that Drinks Editor Alex Delany had once decorated a cake to look like a Confederate flag, while others found things like a Vine where he says the f-slur and some questionable comments about women on this Tumblr.  He later deleted his Tumblr and Twitter, and issued a cookie-cutter apology on his Instagram.

She also vague-tweeted that Brad Leone, one of the most beloved stars of the Youtube channel, is “possibly not a great guy,” but later added, “don’t fret.” At that point, some began to accuse her of just trying to stir the pot.

Ultimately, Matt Hunziker, director and camera operator for Leone’s show, reported that the higher ups were ignoring the situation regarding the pay disparity, and that they were not “learning and growing.”

Wednesday, June 10th

By this point, journalists were able to do more thorough investigations and put together exposés that were more than a blurb about an accusation followed by a nut graph.

Business Insider published an article where they interviewed 14 current and former BIPOC employees of Bon Appetit.  In addition to information already discussed above, it also described events such as an incident where several BIPOC staffers were told they weren’t allowed the test kitchen. (Carla Lalli Music, the Food Director at the time, would later defend her stance in the affair on Twitter.)  Ryan Walker-Hartshorn, a black woman who served as Rapoport’s personal assistant, recalled that she would often spend her day doing menial tasks like polishing her boss’s golf clubs or trying to teach his wife how to use Google Calendar.  In another incident, Knolton called Rick Martinez a “one trick pony” for only developing Mexican recipes, which is what he was being forced to do so BA could tout “diversity” bonus points.  Martinez would also say that the magazine under Rapoport’s tenure “went from old and irrelevant and white-washed content to young and trendy white-washed content." (Martinez would also upload a more graphic description of the treatment he received  to his Instagram that same day.) Later that day, Business Insider would also report that Duckor had left the company.

Vice would liken Rapoport to Michael Scott from The Office, but noted that that kind of bumbling, endearingly insensitive bad boss archetype isn’t as charming in the real world where real employees are being affected.  Parallels were also drawn between the Youtube channel and The Office itself, stating that the “quirky workplace” facade put on in the videos helped hide the more sinister practices that lurked beneath the surface, and that the notion that they were “one big family” often pressured BIPOC into doing more than their fair share for the greater good.

Jezebel showed email transcripts where Rapoport argued the semantics of having his costume be called “brownface” when he wasn’t wearing makeup, and had to be explained to, like a child, that the term refers to the racist caricature and not the literal act of putting brown makeup on one’s face.  What a douche.

Bon Appetit published an official apology on their site, a whole two days after the controversy began.  Many believed that their empty promises of “learning from their mistakes” were a day late and a dollar short.

Meanwhile, on Twitter, former BA writer Alyse Whitney said that senior editor Andy Baraghani had, on several occasions, used his influence to undermine her efforts. Whether this had to do with racism, sexism, or just Andy being petty is up for debate, but still constitutes as unprofessional behavior to say the least.

Thursday, June 11th

As interest in the story seemed to wane for many in the industry, Claire Saffitz, arguably the face of the Youtube channel, released another statement on her Instagram.  She said that her relative silence was due to taking time to find the right words, and that the same-old promises to “learn and grow” that most had been giving felt empty and performative. Unlike many of her white coworkers, she directly apologized for being complicit in the toxic environment  and for not using her status to try to leverage even pay for her BIPOC coworkers.  

Another BA Youtube personality, Amiel Stanek, also released a statement in response to BA’s official press release, where he demanded Conde Nast to stop avoiding action by setting vague timelines for changes or making excuses for not giving BIPOC workers raises like “the money just isn’t there.”

Associate editor Christina Chaey also opened up about her experiences with being pushed into more and more videos to “diversify” them- all without compensation.  

Friday, June 12th

The biggest scandal of the day was that, as Teclemariam predicted, Brad Leone is possibly not a great guy.  A leaked screenshot of an Instagram DM showed him making callous, almost Trump-y comments regarding El-Waylly’s demand for better pay.  He also allegedly said that if Delany were to be fired (as of that day he had been sent on leave), he would quit.

Saturday, June 13th

The New York Times published an article suggesting that the issues prevalent in BA’s management may go all the way to the top of Conde Nast.  Highlights include Chief Executive Roger Lynch chastising the whistleblowers within the company for raising their concerns in such a public manner and an account of an incident where he gave his black assistant a guidebook on how to speak “proper” English.

The Sporkful released a special episode of their podcast containing interviews with several current and former BA BIPOC workers.  Nikita Richardson divulged that after she was laid off, a story she had already done all the leg work for was picked up and credited to Amanda Shapiro, a white staff writer who is now acting Editor-in-Chief in lieu of Rapoport.  Sohla El-Waylly confirmed that the self-congratulatory editorial Rapoport wrote in the wake of George Floyd’s death was the real beginning of the end, and that the racist photo was just the final straw.  She also described a company-wide Zoom meeting held after the photo began to be spread around where Rapoport issued a half-hearted apology, and began talking about how he would “fix the brand” before El-Waylly demanded he resigned.  Furthermore, she revealed that after her Instagram posts began circulating rapidly, Duckor had offered her a new contract with increased pay, but she is refusing to sign it until all BIPOC have received similar compensation.  She also said that she had a hand in the wishy-washy statement that BA had published on Wednesday, and said that it originally had taken much firmer stances on the issues but their PR office made them tone it down.  Also, she commented that Leone, for the most part, just seemed like she “genuinely think[s] [that he] just found out racism is real.”  Ultimately, she was glad that the story was getting as much coverage as it was, since it made her feel that her voice was finally being heard.

Sunday, June 14th

Baraghani released a statement on Instagram apologizing for his behavior, saying that trying to achieve his personal goals in BA’s toxic, competitive environment made him lose sight of solidarity with his fellow BIPOC.  

While that may seem like the end of the story for now, it’s important to note that, even with the resignation of two executives, nothing has truly been done to fix the systemic problems at hand.

[mor-beck-more-problems]

Breaking Bonds || Morgan & Bea

TIMING: Current

PARTIES: @beatrice-blaze & @mor-beck-more-problems

SUMMARY: Bea invites Morgan over to share a new discovery. The world will not consent to be fixed, but somebody has to try.

CONTAINS: references to Bea’s, Morgan’s, and Adam’s deaths

There were not many people in this world who understood life and death in the same manner Bea did. They may never have been close before either of their deaths, but after, Morgan and Bea were implicitly connected. This connection made Morgan the clearest person to go to about what Bea had found through her research. The kettle let out a shrill cry for attention as the witch finished lining up the tomes she had flagged for this discussion. It was good timing that Bea’s bracelet informed her that Morgan had crossed into the Vural’s property as she began steeping the tea. She went to the porch with a smile, Dia weaving between her legs as she waited for Morgan. “The tea should be ready soon! I hope you don’t mind that I tried to find something you’d like to eat, though I wasn’t completely sure what would be palatable,” She told the zombie, thinking of the container of meat that she had waiting for Morgan, if she wanted it.

It was no small relief to visit Bea at her place. Morgan didn't know her as well as she did Luce and Nell, but she had an ease with Bea that she couldn’t have with the others either. They had died and come back around the same time, and they were both determined to have a whole life as their altered selves. As she came up to the porch to meet her friend, she sighed and let that ease pull away some of the tension her body carried.

“I don’t mind,” she said, smiling with gratitude. “I will try any and everything you have prepared. I literally can’t get food poisoning, so there’s not much to lose. And thanks for having me over. I want to hear all about New York and Felix and whatever else people who haven’t seen each other in a while swap. But uh, you said there was something you wanted to talk about, right?”

Small talk, Bea had almost forgotten that she should be engaging in small talk because she was so excited by what she had found. “Oh yes! I need to hear all about what you’ve been doing too, I’m sure things have been very exciting over here.” And she did, just like she wanted to see how Morgan was, especially since Morgan was taking care of so many people at the moment. Still, that could wait until after.

Bea invited Morgan in, before walking over to the table and lightly touching a book. “But, first, you should see what I found in here,” She couldn’t help the excited tilt her voice took. Flipping open to the first tab in the book she pointed to a line and read,“‘I have found that some of the new undead can be controlled, tamed if the right-hand guides them.’ The wording is awful, but doesn’t that read like I could help people who are struggling with this? You were the first person who seemed right to call about this.”

“Oh, you know,” Morgan said dismissively. “Been better, been worse. Still kind of a mess. But as long as we have each other, or as much of each other as we can, and if we can keep trying to make hope…” She smiled, weighed down by every terrible thing that had happened over the past month, though no less genuine for it. “We have to get to ‘okay’ eventually, right?”

She followed Bea in eagerly. Distractions were good, learning and projects were better. If she was moving toward something, she might still be able to make something better, or at least be better. She came over to the book and looked at the words. Controlled and tamed were two different things, but maybe this meant that there was an under-utilized conditioning process. Use magic at first to mitigate the damage and get them used to things, Let them choose the right thing for themselves later. “With--by ‘this’ you mean undead hunger cravings, right? Like, if I lost myself in front of a dead body, or a vampire was trying to stay off people. Do you think…” Her hand went to her lips as she thought of Ashley the zombie last year and Nico Jemisin in the thrift store. She shouldn’t get too excited, she shouldn’t brew hope over just a stray phrase and an untested experiment. She shouldn’t, she shouldn’t. And yet. “How far have you gotten on this? This could be…it could save so many people.”

A small, sad smile took Bea’s lips as Morgan spoke. She knew that hope as well as she knew her shadows. Before all of this, the necromancer had never had to worry about being okay, she had simply trusted in the universe to balance itself again. Being hit with hardship after hardship had created that doubt in the world’s ability to allow her to have a break. “We’ll be okay eventually, Morgan,” She said softly, “We’ll be able to create our own okay, you’re strong enough for that.” Anyone who had survived what Morgan had already was more than capable of bending the world to her whims.

She nodded eagerly, “That’s what I would intend to find out at the very least. I’d like to think that the word ‘tamed’ would imply that, though I do hate the implication that the undead needs to be tamed.” She had found herself drawn to the power of necromancy at the beginning, the ability to twist death itself to what she wanted. Now, though, after experiencing that power, she had found something softer, something that could change lives, save them. That part of herself she felt had left in death was returning, the part that could help and care for others without asking what they could do for her. She could grant people some form of comfort again, she could help facilitate something beautiful from a hardship. “I’ve marked every mention I’ve found of it, but there’s not much I’ve seen. I think we can write something together on this, we can find a way to get this information out there to help others.”

A piece of Morgan’s heart unclenched at Bea’s reassuring words. She hadn’t realized she’d been holding something in, but she was swallowing tears and so loose in her bones she felt like she might fall over. It had been a while since someone had tried to comfort her, and even longer when she was able to accept their gift without any guilt. Morgan smiled, lips quivering, and whispered, “thank you,” before putting her attention back on the main subject.

“What would you need? In terms of resources or experiments?” Morgan asked. She was self-conscious enough about her now-constant discoloring at all times, but as she considered the possibilities, she felt the hollowness of her stomach too. Morgan shouldn’t be this excited for Bea’s idea. Fuck Odell, and fuck her hold on this cursed town. “Would it...I mean, you’re the expert, so you would know whether it’s safe or too dangerous if you...tested it on me?” She met Bea’s eyes with trepidation. “I’m not high risk or anything, obviously, and a year does a lot for a girl’s impulse control around viscera, but...I wouldn’t say no to some extra help.”

There were many forms of strength that Bea has seen over the years, many of them represented by the women she surrounded herself with. Morgan, she found, had one of the softest forms she had seen yet, but that did not mean she didn’t respect it. If anything, it proved to Bea that she could be strong without violence and anger. Her sisters, for as strong as they were, often hurt themselves from it. Luce with her anger, an all too powerful storm that untethered her, but kept others aware of who they were dealing with. Nell with her fierce strikes, hunting beasts and controlling demons that left her all too vulnerable to the world’s evil. Bea couldn’t always be like them, but she could be softer, she could adopt some of Morgan and create her own brand of strength that did not always mean striking first.

“Well, we’d need an area far from anyone else just in case something went wrong.” Bea wouldn’t risk doing it at her home when her sisters were so close by. She looked at Morgan for a long moment, she trusted the zombie, but it put Morgan in a hard situation if something were to happen. “We can try it on you, but I would want other people there, just in case. Who would you feel comfortable with helping?” Bea had her own list of who they could call, but Morgan was the one being controlled. She was certainly in a much more vulnerable spot. “I think we should start with small portions and then work our way up.” This would be a long process, but it would be worth it to explore the possibility.

“Well, there’s plenty of spots in the woods,” Morgan sighed. “If screaming moose can hide, so can we. Especially on the outskirts, near the border, I don’t think there’ll be anyone for miles.” She wasn’t that worried. White Crest liked to keep its secrets to itself as much as possible. But Bea’s second question was another beast. Deirdre came to her mind briefly, but her love had promised to never physically harm her on purpose and refused to be released. And then, Bea wouldn’t want to endanger her sisters after all they’d been through. Who did that leave? Mina, who barely spoke to her anymore?

At last, Morgan had to admit defeat. “I...don’t know. If you know someone or have ideas, I trust your judgement. You know about discretion as much as anyone, so. But, little bits at a time! That sounds good. Reasonable. It’ll, you know, probably come in handy some time. Even with someone like me.” Or especially, with how things stood at the moment. “You’re the one channeling big magic, so you should probably set the pace. I’ve got that infinite stamina going for me. So I...I can take it. Whatever might happen, I can take it. I want to, if it means having more control over myself.”

With everything, Bea had good and bad days. With the woods, she had bad far more often. She controlled her face as well as she could, only hesitating for a moment. “Let me pick the spot in the forest? I’ll find something in the outskirts for us.” She would pick somewhere far from the place it happened, where even on her bad day she could hold herself together. Her first thought would be to ask Leah to help, but that could be very dangerous for the phoenix. Her sisters weren’t an option. Maybe this wasn’t as easy as she had originally thought it would be. “I could see if Kaden was willing to help.” She trusted him to behave with Morgan, but she had no idea if they were on good terms anymore. “If you are feeling comfortable with that.” That was a good point, Bea had no idea how much energy this was going to take. If it was anything like the other necromancy magic she had done, she was going to need to work her way up. “We’ll go slow, there’s no need to rush what’s going to happen. Especially as we need to get more people on board to help.”

“Of course,” Morgan said. To her shame, she only remembered how much the woods had taken from Bea when she saw the look on the woman’s face. Morgan, for her part, never lingered on the part of main street where she’d felt the sun on her back for the last time, and ice cream trucks made her feel sick and bitter. But these were small things, specific. As much as the spot where Bea died was cursed ground, for all Morgan knew, every dark cluster of trees held the shadow of her trauma. Too late now.

Morgan considered Kaden. She didn’t want him to know she was struggling. She didn’t know how much of his fear and disappointment she could bear. And would he feel guilty for helping? Would he doubt himself? Or feel as though he were betraying himself? But a hunter was a clear and obvious choice, for Bea’s safety as well as Morgan’s own. And the only other hunter Morgan trusted was dead. “It makes sense. If you think he would, and that he wouldn’t...feel wrong or bad about it, yeah. That sounds like a good idea. And you’re right about needing others, strong muscle-y others probably, but don’t know who else is left.” She met Bea’s eyes slowly, knowingly, and ached as Adam’s loss stung once again. She cleared her throat and let the spectre of his memory pass. “Later, when we’ve got the basics down, I’ll be of more help. I’ve got lots of fresh experience with my muscle strength, and fighting off people, living and undead. But, slow and steady first.” With difficulty, she summoned a smile. “Who’d have figured it would take two people like us to make a new magic discovery?”

Oh, Bea thought, Of course Morgan knows. A fragile, brittle smile made its way onto her face. As the days went on, as his loss compounded, the closer she felt to slipping away. She was teetering on a precipice, close to falling over the edge of understanding grief as other people had. Her understanding before had been abstracted at best, a twisted and strange version of an emotion that everyone around her seemed to understand better than she did. A necromancer who had faced death, danced with her, but did not comprehend her affects seemed like an oxymoron. The room was spinning, twisting around her as she tried to focus on Morgan’s words. “Oh, I don’t know it makes sense, doesn’t it?” She replied weakly, “We like pushing and figuring stuff out. We’re fixers.” Fixers in a world that could not be fixed, would not consent to be fixed. Adam had been a fixer too, it was why he was gone.

“Fixers, huh,” Morgan repeated, her own smile turning sad as well. She didn’t think of that word often except in terms of her own shame and desperation. She broke something, therefore she had to fix it. But to hear Bea say it, they were doing something better than hastily atoning; they were solving the world. Not all of it, because no one could do that. But little hurts, difficulties, problems. They knew how to seal cracks in people’s hearts and put in new supports where old ones had snapped. And it didn’t have to mean that any of it was their fault or their responsibility. Just that they happened to know how. They happened to have the strength to try. And when everything broke all over again, they would fix it again. On and on.

The future stretched out in her mind’s eye, a line of patch jobs into centuries. Nothing holding or staying for long. She wondered if Adam had ever seen the future that way, and if he ever let himself dream of a green field and a quiet existence where the only things that needed fixing were fence posts and kitchen appliances, as she often did. She didn’t know which answer was sadder.

“I guess we are,” she said quietly. “I guess somebody has to be.”

[talenlee]

Henry Orenstein

I'm going to tell you a story. It jumps around a little, to future and past, and it has a big twist in it that I'm going to need you to trust me on. Because of that, the fold - and content warning - is coming later than you'd expect.

This story, started, for me, on the Transformers wiki.

This is a Rubsign. It's a small piece of plastic that's heat-reactive. When Transformers started out as a brand, there was an immediate push to make cheap knockoff toys with similar ideas. In order to 'protect' the brand and ensure kids only wanted to buy the genuine Transformers, they developed something that they could pretend was part of the play pattern: a small symbol on the robot's body that had the silhouette of either the Decepticon or Autobot faction, and you wouldn't know for sure if you didn't heat it up, usually as a child, by rubbing it with your finger.

Transformers, and their gimmick of 'transforming', is essentially, open source. You can't copyright it or even copyright the techniques of a mould. This is one of the reasons there's so many knockoffs of those toys — the actual technique of a transforming toy is pretty much uncopyriteable method.

The rubsigns, however, were made with patented technology; not only weren't other people allowed to put them on their toys, but even worse, they simply couldn't make them because the method for their creation was proprietary. What I thought as a child was a clever way to represent a disguise, for a moment of tension in the narrative, was really just a corporate control collar, a thing that meant they could draw a hard line between their version of the idea and the other, shitty ones, so I could ensure my collection of second hand transforming robot toys was properly branded.

Rubsigns are a cop is what I'm saying.

But, they had to be invented.

This is Henry Orenstein. Learning about the origin of the rubsign meant learning that to my surprise, the patent for them is not held by The company per se, but is instead partially owned by Hasbro, and partially owned by this one dude, Henry Orenstein.

When I found his name in the Transformers wiki, the wiki stated, perhaps boldly: His life is more interesting than Transformers.

Bold claim.

This is professional Poker. It's a well known game that involves players playing for extremely large sums of money, often with similarly large sums of money involved in the buy-in. It's grown in popularity over the past twenty years, in part because of improvements in presenting the game to an audience. Back in 1995, a patent was filed for a device known as a hole camera, which let the broadcasters collect the information about the players' hands without doing anything that disrupted the natural flow of the game. The hole camera was used in 1999, and that's about when poker started to pick up in public discourse.

And the patent for the earliest hole camera (which isn't used much any more) is to a guy named Henry Orenstein. So important was this - and his winnings and his achievements lifetime - that he's been inducted into the Poker Hall of Fame.

This is a Johnny Seven OMA, which were made by Topper Toys. And that's a company Henry Orenstein founded to make his toys after being annoyed at how expensive dolls and toy guns were for poor kids. Topper Toys eventually folded into another brand, Deluxe Reading, which I understand if you are a hardcore toy collector, really into things like barbie accessories and cross compatibility, is very important to the hobby.

This background was how Henry got the attention of Hasbro, and wound up working with them on acquiring new toy properties. That meant he was in position to be in Japan, looking at Takara and Microchange toys, and come back with the idea of acquiring both toy sets, and rebranding them as Transformers in 1980.

Interesting dude, right? He should write a memoir.

Except he did already:

And now, when we jump back in the story, I have to say: Content Warning: Nazis.

Henry Orenstein was born Henryk Orenstein, one of five Jewish children to a Polish family, born in Hrubieszów, Poland, 1923. That is to say, when he was 16 years old, the Nazis invaded and occupied his country. This was obviously not ideal, and the Orensteins first hid themselves in their house through secret passages and hidden chambers between the walls. When the food and water ran out, the parents made the painful decision to surrender to arrest, in the hopes of keeping their children alive.

Henryk's parents were taken, shipped to a camp, and shot. The children were then sent to a camp, where Henryk dedicated a plan to keeping moving. If they were being moved around, transferred from thing to thing, if the person in charge of them was different from time to time, nobody would have the time to really make a protracted plan to execute them. That, hypothetically, was the idea. This meant that he and his siblings were in five different concentration camp - including the camp run by Amon Goeth, the villain of Schindler's List.

They end up in the camp in Budzyń. A few days after arrival, a report comes over the loudspeaker that 'Any Jews with math or science training must report to front office' and Henryk signs himself and his brothers up.

... they did not have math or science training

See, as things were Getting Worse towards the end of the war, the Germans were trying to maximise the resources they did have. This is part of the grouping of things you'd possibly hear as the wunderwaffe — the preposterous weapons of the later days of Hitler's aspirations. You may know these as a sequence of History Channel tv ads, like Hitler's Greatest Tanks or Superboats or The Cannon That Shoots Time Frozen Chunks Of Hitler's Future Brain or whatever. Nowadays, wunderwaffe is a German word primarily used sarcastically, in case you're curious. The Nazis were desperate, because they were a bunch of sucky losers who couldn't make anything good on their own —

And never did

— they instead tried to turn their prisoners to the task of solving their problems with the finest of Nazi Bullshit Magic. At this point, Henryk is maybe nineteen years old, and he and his brothers are signed up to the camp's equivalent of the Shed they dump the A-Team in. The scientists in charge of the lab are scared: if this fails, they're just wasting manpower, and while the Jewish subordinates may fail, if they fail, they're going to get shipped to the front and treated like meaty bullet catchers.

Henryk, recognising the situation, proceeded to run cons on the Nazis with his brothers.

They made bullshit devices that wouldn't work, but did look like they worked. They stole from the labs. They crafted things that could be faked to working but wouldn't work for real. They entertained the scientists with the finest of hokum. And then the researchers, full of relief that they wouldn't become a statistic on a Soviet soldier's bayonet, started to talk about how great their progress was of Doing Science At Shit to their command.

Command released an order to demand that these Jewish Science Wizards produce a tank paralysing gas.

Which was a problem.

Look, the Nazis were fond of demanding things that couldn't be done. Then they could shout at their subordinates who were fucking up, or they'd deliver and you looked great. Again, this is not an environment for refined science, this is a shrinking circular firing squad where everyone is trying to just not be the next person shot. But nonetheless, Tank Paralysing Gas was demanded.

Henryk and his brothers did what they could, they made something they assured the Nazis would work, and the scientists, sweating bullets, sent it off to another base to be tested.

Where it didn't work.

Obviously.

Okay, so now for a moment, consider the situation. Consider what this looks like. These scientists have sent a giant pile of reports about how great a job they were doing, and there's a big trapdoor labelled Actual Bullets on it underneath them. They just put together their wunderwaffe and sent it off to be tested, and it didn't work, so what do they do?

Blame the prisoners?

Uh, that's going to go poorly, because they were saying the prisoners were doing a great job just a few days ago.

Come clean?

Fuck off.

Okay, so what else do they have as an option? Well, they did the only thing a fascist can do. They posted through it, Nazi style.

They sent infuriated reports to the other camp. WHAT DID YOU DO TO OUR TANK-PARALYSING GAS THAT MADE IT NOT WORK!?

And... you can see how this goes.

Right now, nobody wants to be the person who admits something is wrong. Nobody wants to be the person who pulls the circle of who gets shot even closer. You don't want to tell your superiors you fucked up handling the Tank Paralysing Gas, or if you made the Tank Paralysing Gas, you don't want to tell them that the Tank Paralysing Gas didn't work.

And so back and forth they go. Testing things that won't work and demanding ever-increasing test protocols to try and make it the other person's problem. I don't have proof of it, but some accounts of the story include the two camps getting infrastructure projects like new roads to make sure the transport of the Tank Paralysing Gas works and is good and proper and anyway, the war ended before they got this resolved.

But there is paperwork, recovered during the fall of Berlin, with Heinrich Himmler's signature on it, ordering the mass production of the Tank Paralysing Gas made by Henryk and his younger brothers.

"The whole tale about the scam they pulled on the nazis is... instructive, too"

[fromthecouch]

I have always watched too much tv - an introduction.

A personal history of my relationship with the small screen.

My grandparents, who were my main parental figures growing up, didn’t work 9 to 5s. My grandfather worked as a bus driver for the Chicago Transit Authority, for over 20 years. His schedule often fluctuated. My grandmother worked as an expeditor for architectural firms. She made her hours and often came home later in the evening. For a significant part of childhood and all of my adolescence, I spent a lot of time alone. Sometimes I would go to my friends’ homes after school or my younger cousin would stay for the evening; however, from 3:00 PM-8:00 PM on weeknights, my main source of connection to other humans was through our living room television, the screen of my family’s desktop, and the pages of fiction.

It was not until recently that I learned of the term ‘latchkey kid.’ I had been watching the A&E Freaks and Geeks documentary on Amazon Prime when I noted the phrase. It had been used during an interview portion of the documentary when one of the production team members used it to describe Bill Haverchuck. The documentary cut to a scene of Bill, one of the show’s “geeks”, sitting in front of a television, laughing hysterically, with grilled cheese and Entenmann’s chocolate cake on a TV tray. The interviewee recalled their childhood similarities to Bill —the experience of a latchkey life. I was immediately intrigued and paused the documentary to turn to Google.

Freaks and Geeks, Episode 14: Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers

The search brought me to the Wikipedia definition, listed as “a child who returns to an empty home after school or a child who is often left at home with no supervision because their parents are away at work.” I reflected more in-depth on this and found myself assessing my relationship to fiction and how it raised me.

I have always watched too much tv. I used to read voraciously. I would buy random ‘pre-viewed’ DVDs from Blockbuster and played them in rotation until I got my hands on a new batch and a new rotation started. My grandparents often enabled my habit as a reader, yet I would go through books too quickly for my family trips to the library or Borders to keep up. Most of my planned reading for the week would be completely consumed by the end of the night on Tuesday or Wednesday, so the rest of my weekly time alone, I would turn to watch things.

At a young age, I viewed watching television as infinite. Since it was before the era of eBooks, there was a limited number of hours that my books could sustain me for each week, but television would always be there for me. I watched everything — movies, children’s shows, reality television, teen dramas, daytime television, sitcoms, documentaries, sometimes even infomercial channels. Fifth grade is when I truly became in awe of all that the small screen had to offer. My grandparents had upgraded to the premium package on Comcast. We went from a few dozen channels to having HBO, The N, Discovery Kids, multiple channels of MTV, channels that played history docuseries around the clock, the Filipino variety show channel, and so much more.

As a kid, film, literature and television was how I got to know the world. When I was a teenager, I more actively started to engage with what I was watching and reading. Fiction helped me dream of what I wanted for my life. How I consumed television and film during those years laid the groundwork for who I am as a person now. That was also when I had begun to use fiction to feel less lonely, to escape from the pressures of turbulent home life, to relate to my peers. I had curated a group of friends that also had independence thrust upon them at a young age. Watching tv with each other over the phone and renting films to watch together on the weekends was a big part of how we related to one another — the common interests that bound our friendships, as mutual indoor kids. My high school years also coincided with Netflix’s shift from delivery rentals to mainly streaming, which allowed us to consume a new set of content, in an entirely new way. With adulthood approaching, we segued into the era of series binge-watching.

I was diagnosed with panic disorder and major depression when I was in my sophomore year of university. It was around that time that I became more cognizant of the way that I used television and film as coping mechanisms. Sometimes they served healthy coping mechanisms, sometimes they became more like distractions, and numbing agents. Whatever the case, I sometimes doubt that I would’ve gotten through some of my lowest times without the fictional characters, places and storylines of my favorite shows.

In 2017, I struggled with some chronic health issues, nothing serious, but very debilitating. It took me a year to stabilize. At that time, I hardly saw my friends. I had to quit my job and was unemployed for a full year, living with my boyfriend’s family in an unfamiliar suburb. I was too ill to hold down a full-time position. I was always in pain. I entered the longest depressive episode of my life, which made reading, my first love, feel daunting. I also struggled with a lot of vestibular migraines. The aftermath of those lingered for days and sometimes left me in a fog that made the words on a page feel painful.

I still had television though. On my worst days, I often only had the bandwidth to make doctors’ appointments, eat oatmeal, and rewatch television series I had already seen. The Chinese Restaurant episode of Seinfeld made me smile when I otherwise felt numb. Buffy the Vampire Slayer made me feel resilient when I felt incapable of basic human functions. Daria made me feel understood when I felt completely isolated from my peers. 

Seinfeld, Season 2 Episode 11 The Chinese Restaurant

On my better days, I could venture into a new series, which involved more attention. I mainly consumed television rather than movies for the most part, as I didn’t like having my time spent with characters and plots to feel limited. (The major exception to this was the MCU, due to the span of central, interconnected plots.) With access to Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime and HBO plus, I found television to again feel like my main connection to other people. When I felt like I didn’t have anyone else, I had Mr Robot, Atlanta, Glow, Mozart in the Jungle, Westworld, Stranger Things, Game of Thrones, Black Mirror, Big Little Lies, Insecure. When the pain from my migraines, GI issues, ovarian cysts, and mundanity of my newly “sick” life made me feel terrible, watching the fictional lives of others helped me escape. Watching these fictional lives, helped me feel like I was surrounded by others and living their lives with them when my own life felt on pause and isolated.

In 2018, I was fortunate enough to get on a successful diet and medication combination that allowed me to stabilize my health, move back to the city, reestablish my friendships, and resume my career. Even so, I still have more mild depressive episodes. I still get medical flareups. I am still a normal person who occasionally faces conflict, as that is just life. When I’m in those darker places, television is often both a distraction and connection that helps me recalibrate. Now here I am, at my current age of 27, and I still depend on fiction to be there for me.

Once the COVID-19 lockdowns and restrictions started in March of 2020, I, like everyone else around the country, found myself limited in social interaction. I maintained some level of relatedness to others through my cat, my boyfriend, group texts with friends, and my Zoom work meetings. Yet, television was again a big part of how I related to the human experience. Television persisted in reminding me of what life was like pre-pandemic and what it could be in the future. It has helped me keep boredom and restlessness at bay. Through this time, I’ve found myself watching many series that I would have never watched otherwise. I have also found myself analyzing the series that I watch more thoroughly and with more curiosity than I had the capacity to in my youth and during my time of medical distress.

This year was also the first year that I have started writing for leisure, since high school. Being so online over the past year, I’ve often found myself with many thoughts to collect, package cohesively, and express, yet I’ve felt very limited by the current platforms I often interact with. I often feel like I cannot articulate meaningful thought on platforms like Instagram and Twitter, which are limiting by word limit and social media norms. My newfound revived interest in writing has often collided with my enthusiasm for television, film, and pop culture, more broadly.

It may be true that I watch too much television. It may also be true that television was one of my first true friends and in many ways an extra parental figure. I want to move beyond watching too much television. I want to openly explore television, what it means to me, what it means to the collective, and examine the things that we love to watch or have loved to watch with a critical lens. That is what I hope to express on here.

[talks-refined]

Why azula, in my opinion, shouldn’t have had a redemption arc

i know it’s a complicated subject in this fandom but i wanted to give my two cents on it! i promise this isn’t me just going “booh evil”

okay so here’s the thing. the reason this is so complicated to answer is because it needs to ask pretty existential and complex questions like, can everyone be redeemed? how is evil made? how much of you is really only your upbringing? is it possible to be inherently bad? what do we fundamentally deserve? can you separate yourself completely from what you’ve been since birth and if so, what’s left?

now if you walked up to me and asked those questions, my answer would probably be something along the lines of “i don’t know, i just got here”. so that’s not what i’m gonna try to answer here

notice how i said “shouldn’t have had” and not “deserved”. i can’t tell you what azula “deserved”— probably a nicer childhood and therapy— but i can also say azula didn’t “deserve” anything. she’s a character, she’s words on paper, animation and voiced acting. there isn’t a real azula, an actual 14 years old child soldier out there awaiting to turn good. characters are story arcs, development, goals... what makes their value isn’t morals but what they bring to the story. and azula brings so much that, in my opinion, being ultimately redeemed would cheapen

first off: zuko. i’ve seen people say azula shouldn’t get a redemption arc because then her story would just be the same as zuko. it’s... not true, obviously, they’re different characters for a reason, but there is a part of truth i wanna point out here:

zuko and azula’s stories are diametrical opposites. two siblings, a boy and a girl, a firebending prodigy and one who’s average at the very best, one favored by his mother, the other favored by her father, one impulsive and one calculating. At the beginning of the story, one angry and unstable, the other calm and confident, one banished, desperate and without honor, and the other a princess and leader, acclaimed by all, who radiates regal energy.

“(ozai) said she was born lucky. he said i was lucky to be born. i don’t need luck, though. i don’t want it. i’ve always had to struggle and fight and that’s made me strong. that’s made me who i am.”

( zuko, to aang, season 1 finale )

that first sentence was the hook that told the viewers azula would come in the picture in season 2 and it tells you exactly the opposite dynamics their characters would develop on. azula is perfect, zuko is a failure is the message we’re supposed to get, at least that’s how they view each other and themselves, because that’s what their father taught them. but here’s the thing: luck is by definition elusive, and perfection is by definition unattainable. azula spends her life building herself around the vision that failure is inexcusable. because she’s at such a high place, because she’s so perfect, she can never fail, because she can’t and because she’s not allowed to. that mentality is bound to doom her, it’s inevitable. it’s a direct opposition to zuko, who builds himself in the fact that he’s failed so many times, that he made so many mistakes, that each taught him lessons. when zuko fails once, he knows he can get up because he was miserable for so long that it taught him he can survive anything. when azula fails once, she crumbles. azula is a cautionary tale of perfectionism, and cautionary tales can’t have happy endings. zuko’s approach of life has to reach a happy ending, because he’ll always look for one, it has to reach a redemption arc because he’s not scared of the mistakes he’s made in the past and he is always trying to better himself (the redemption comes when he realises he was trying to meet the wrong standards). azula’s approach of life guarantees a downfall because she’s convinced that failure is the end.

both their stories mirror each other, backwards. when we meet zuko, he’s failing, always, and when we leave him, he finally won. when we meet azula she’s winning, always, and when we leave her, she finally (by which i mean that it’s inevitable, not that it’s good) fails.

and there’s another reason (let’s pretend this is structured, okay?), that’s a little more complicated, and it has to do with ozai.

you know how ozai is barely present in the series? i’ve seen some people argue that azula is a better villain because she’s scarier or because we see her more. here’s the thing:

when you’re trying to portray something that’s really, really awful, it’s easier not show it. when you show something, in it’s entirety (in that context that would mean making ozai a deep, 3 dimensional character that we see develop) it’s... small. to define is to limit (- oscar wilde). when you only show small things tho, details, in movies it can be shadows, think the beginning of stranger things when you don’t see monsters, but can feel a threat, that’s when it can get scary as shit. because whatever limited, physical (or character-ial? is that a word) form you chose for the villain isn’t there in people’s minds, it’s only their own imagination trying to comprehend what you made them feel. and what people imagine based on only fear, or anger, is easily scarier than any five headed monster you can put onscreen.

that’s what ozai is: a looming threat. hell, i’m not even sure we see his face until season 3. he only has a handful of scenes. but i hate him. i hate him so much i could scream into a pillow and he’s so vicious it sends shivers down my spine. you know why? because of what he did to zuko and azula.

when you wanna keep your main villain mysterious, it’s good to give the audience characters that he’s interacted with. characters that he’s close to enough to have had an effect on them, so they can perceive a part of him. and boy did he have an effect on his children

( to be fair here: that idea and most of what i’m saying about it came from Overly Sarcastic Productions video on minions as a trope. it’s really good i love their whole channel, red is amazing)

season 1: meet zuko. he’s a sixteen years old. he’s a bad guy, but written so that you sympathise with him to a certain extent. then comes the Tragic Backstory Episode and you learn that he was challenged to a duel as a thirteen years old by his father after he spoke without permission in a meeting, begged for mercy, got half of his face burned off at the hands of his father, and was banished from his home to search for the avatar, who was dead as far as anyone knew.

now you’ve seen very little of ozai after this episode, but you’re ready to fight that guy, right? i know i am.

it gains a level of depth with azula. after being introduced to a character who is starving for his father’s love and approval, we’re introduced to a new character, who seemingly has all of that. azula is zuko’s ever winning rival. she has everything he wants, her honor, her title, her father’s favors.

(i think it’s worth noting that making your children compete for your love is already a red flag for noticing pieces of shit)

but it’s not enough. azula has everything, she is everything ozai values (cunning, strong, ruthless) and even then it’s not enough to please him. nothing will ever be good enough. and you see two children fighting, breaking themselves to please a father that is seemingly incapable of love, but keeps baiting them, giving them impossible standards to reach so they’ll always keep trying to please him.

okay, now you hate him, right?

but here’s the thing: because azula was a firebending prodigy, she got a taste of her father’s approval. he saw himself in her, where he saw too much of iroh and ursa in zuko. he was proud of her.

he was never proud of zuko. too soft, not strong, or fearless enough. because of that, zuko was never close to his dad. all he got was disdain. because of that, he forms bonds with other people (with his mother and uncle, at first) that expose him to another vision of life. and in exile, after chasing relentlessly, part of him is pushed to the realisation that he can live without his father’s approval. because he had to.

azula on the other hand, quickly becomes all ozai’s. from flashbacks you can clearly tell each of them gravitates around one parent, zuko around ursa and azula around ozai. even in her other relationships (zuko, tylee, mai...) she behaves according to what her father taught her, how to manipulate and hurt others

and ursa has flaws, god i’m not saying she doesn’t. that deserves a post in itself. but she values things like kindness, softness and love. ozai values strength, power and cunning. childhood is a formative stage: you often build yourself on the way you were raised. zuko had those conflicting values, because ursa, and ozai more indirectly, both taught him. but ozai isolated azula from other (adult) presences. this is more speculation but i really think it’s true, for what it’s worth. we rarely ever see ursa and azula interact, and when we do ursa is i think always? reprimanding azula for something that ozai taught her. it doesn’t seem like they spend enough time together for her to teach her daughter a better way.

that’s the thing. ozai’s “love”, or at least approval, was azula’s curse. zuko thinks it’s something he has to aim for, and later realizes it’s only ever going to be conditional and manipulative and stops trying. because he knew another way. but azula always lived with it. it isolated her, prevented her from ever finding a better way. his “love” is what did this to her

so yeah. none of this is saying that azula could never have been good. she was 14, she had a whole life ahead, i’m not some psychology master that can tell you exactly if it’s even possible to unlearn so much manipulation and abuse- i want to believe it is. but this is a story, and to me it’s the more nuanced, more interesting, better story they could’ve written. i think having those two very different and very paralleled stories, for a show that doesn’t shy away from complexity the way atla does, was very important.

while i was writing this, i showed it to a friend, who can speak for toxic households better than i can, and gave me a new perspective and the best conclusion: when in an abusive parental relationship, there’s always a tearing hesitation between ‘breaking free’ and doing what’s best for you, and staying loyal to your parent, someone you’re supposed to love and who’s supposed to love you. zuko is a message of hope ; azula is a warning

[vivdunye]

present day, present time

and you don't seem to understand

fabled adages of science

so i was watching the snyder cut of justice league the other morning, i couldn't really begin to tell you why other than i needed 4 hours of background noise . but i tuned in at one point when the fictional super Israeli, wonder woman, narrated a scene explaining an alien technology "that was so advanced that it almost seemed like sorcery", and wouldn't yknow, that's a real concept actually, i recognized it immediately as clark's third law:

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

it's perhaps the most well known and oft quoted of the three, but i always felt like arthur c. clark's first 2 laws don't ever get quite enough love . i've been thinking heavily about the first law lately:

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

i've been thinking about it in relation to this one quote from wernher von braun that i always liked:

Nature does not know extinction; all it knows is transformation. Everything science has taught me, and continues to teach me, strengthens my belief in the continuity of our spiritual existence after death.

many people are afraid of death; of ceasing the awareness of life, because they don't know what will happen to themselves after, where do they go if anywhere? it's much more nebulous in the secular sense if you haven't a construct for the afterlife already . i've been thinking about death more and more often lately to a worrying degree . however, scientific thought for all its clinical detachment from all things spiritual has strangely enough always felt like the perfect module for contemplating the metaphysical . so i decided to do some research .

i want to recall right now thomas edison's first intended use for the phonograph . edison had originally envisioned the phonograph primarily as a means of preserving the voices of loved ones after death . he later went on to try and develop a "ghost box" or "spiritphone" . this device would allow humans to communicate directly with the dead . he was unsuccessful .

if hauntology has taught us anything, we technically do have ghost boxes now, but maybe not in the way edison intended or even predicted . we carry them everywhere and can check them anytime, channeling messages through them constantly . we actively become digital ghosts, online we are both present and absent . the present implodes with the past, we've over-documented everything so now we can experience an instant nostalgia . today's future becomes archaic, we live in the archive to try and remember what the future once was .

'haunted' and 'futuristic' become one and the same .

by this token i'm reminded also by transhumanism . as the technological singularity fast approaches, as progress charges forward at a constantly increasing speed, current estimates posit the 2040s as the point in which technological improvements will occur at a constantly self-replicating rate . in the time between now and then, transhumanism and the eventual merging of human consciousness with machinery are theorized outcomes of technological progress . one day we might be able to leave the shackles of our human bodies and transcend our physical forms as a joined digital consciousness .

and in relation to this i also think now of clark's second law

The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.

through the wired

this is the stage on which the anime Serial Experiments Lain is set . a story, that while constructed on the patchwork of fiction, is nevertheless symbolic of certain phenomena based in reality .

also i apologize if it wasn't apparent that this post was going to be about Lain . im lainposting boys

the first few episodes exist to misdirect the viewer right from the beginning . and only by returning to these episodes having thought through the rest of the show, does their purpose become clear . the first episode, aptly titled "Layer 01: Weird" , is meant to show us exactly one thing, that lain is fucking weird . we can't tell what she's thinking, we can't tell what she's doing, and that's exactly how everyone around her feels . lain is totally and completely disconnected, she doesn't keep up with current events at school, she doesn't communicate with her family, near as we can tell she has no actual interests besides her stuffed animals and totally phasing out of reality. the inciting incident of the series happens when someone tries to make a connection with lain, and that person happens to be dead...

or at least there body is dead, their consciousness seems to have escaped into the wired . lain's decision to pursue this connection is what lead's her to ask her father for a new navi (the series' name for a personal computer) and that's all that really happens in this episode . coming back to it from later episodes we know that lain is probably thinking a lot throughout this episode . the decision to not entreat us to any of her thoughts is intentional, it is to make us feel distant from her as viewers, the same way that the world around her is distant . as lain forms connections throughout the series, so too, will we form a connection with her .

we do not know how much time has passed since then and the second episode, but whatever has happened lain has already developed a significant presence in the wired . this episode is tricky in its presentation as it doesn't make us privy to which things lain is lying about and which things she's honest about . in it we have lain talking to someone on her navi, she types sporadically in an encrypted language, and someone who looks just like her appears late one night in a night club downtown . while lain won't admit it to her classmates it's apparent at the end of the episode that it was her at the club all along . the key to understanding her actions throughout the episode is to realize she is trying to keep her existence in the wired and her existence in reality as separate entities . the realization she has by the end of the episode, which she uses to terrify a gunmen into suicide is that there is no escape from the wired, no matter where you are you are always connected .

made in the late-90s, Lain was quite ahead of its time . it predicted not only how in the early 2000s the internet would be regarded as a separate world where anonymity and personas reigned—it also predicted how the internet would eventually and inevitably overlap with the real world, once people in the real world realized that the internet is the real world . people have a tendency to see one part of themselves as their "true selves", whereas the parts they show to others are personas, they think of these things as separate when in reality a person is an amalgamation of all of their personas . lain tries to change her personas by dressing and acting differently from when she's in the wired-mode and in normal-mode, but she doesn't realize how people have been doing this way before the wired existed . her classmates are all 15 but they all pass for adults when they've dolled up and hit the club . if the characters in the show seem a bit young for their attitudes then you may not have met enough tech-savvy teenagers before . the purpose of this episode is to ultimately to prove to lain that the so-called real world and the wired are merely two layers of one reality, which couldn't be more true of the world today .

let there be light300pMTK. .

in mythology, psyche was the mortal princess who fell in love with and, eventually, married the god cupid; in religion and classical philosophy, psyche came to mean the human soul, and in the modern, literate world, it retains that meaning as the human spirit; in freudian analysis, psyche refers to the totality of the human mind: the id, ego and superego .

every meaning of psyche is distinctly human: a human princess who achieves godhood, the soul or mind of an individual . if previous episodes introduced the blurring of the real world with the wired, then episode three; "Layer 03: Psyche" is the episode that starts to blur human identity online and offline . one doesn’t even have to venture into the wired to ask what is human .

by this point we know that lain is definitely up to something . at this stage it's hard to tell what, but all we get are little glimpses into her actions . she still seems to be hiding a lot from the world around her and from the viewer in turn . ironically, lain's blank-faced silence and response to the questions of those around her it's own incrimination . when a police officer tells her to speak up (regarding the gunman's suicide) even if she had nothing to do with it, he doesn't realize she's being silent precisely because she does have something to do with it . but her deer-in-the-headlights persona gets her out of it .

the lain of the wired and the lain of reality are slowly starting to mesh into one whole . it remains difficult to interpret the physical existence of "other lain" so to speak, and the show refuses to outright show her playing that character . at the least, we do get to see lain access the wired in all its chaotic glory and she does begin to take an active interest in expanding her knowledge as she learns about and installs the "Psyche drive", a computer circuit that lain procures in hopes of it enhancing her computer's processing power . on the smaller scale, when lain applies the psyche processor to her navi, she is installing a spirit or soul, an animating element, to her machine . notably, the psyche does not replace the main processor; psyche augments the main processor, interpreting the data that flows through it . the soul is not simply the brain, it is an elevated consciousness or meta-self. by this point in the series lines become blurred and the lains begin to merge (hehe) . all of this is set against the backdrop of lain trying to decide if she should remain in the physical world or fully integrate in the wired . she hears one voice telling her that death feels amazing, and god exists in the wired, that there is nothing left for lain in this world . however, lain begins to establish a connection with her classmate alice, saying her name out loud and commiting it to memory for the first time, alice asks why her friends are not more shaken up after watching someone shoot himself in the head the previous day . it's almost as though lain is clinging to alice as an excuse to stay in the physical world out of fear for changing over . this all sets the seeds for what eventually grows throughout the series .

i want to recall the final meaning of the word “psyche". that the word also meant “butterfly,” which is how the greeks imagined the soul to appear . no doubt the symbolism of a creature that begins as one thing and transforms into another is not lost on us here .

every event serves to emphasize the existence of one's own personal reality, and as individuals from all others, we desire a place to belong . however that too is an egotistical concept . in order for there to be a mutual understanding, it is necessary to recognize here and now, like the brain synapses, we are all—in a logical yet chaotic manner—connected .

each is seperate—yet they are one . by connecting, humanity gains first awareness of its function as a seed . and by connecting a human no longer remains a mere endpoint, a "terminus", but becomes a junction to another point, having won the right to continue itself . in a sense, the ability to connect is the ability to continue . this not only applies to the connection of axial coordinates but temporal coordinates as well . therefore, at the time when a conscious, intentional connection is made, surely the dead will rise from there intended place, appearing at the time coordinate of the connection's origin .

in that moment, the realization will dawn that the time in which we inhabit our physical bodies is but the starting point of the connection, and the very meaning of possessing a physical body might be questioned .

we recognize we are connected .

serialize thyself .

[feigeroman]

Thomas Headcanons: Thomas

For anyone who’s wondering about the seemingly random order in which I’m sharing my headcanons and OCs, the reason is this: I have a folder full of Word documents about all 110 engines (80 steam, 30 diesel) in my NWR roster, and basically what I’ve done is sort them out by file size, from largest to smallest. Obviously I’ve written more about some than about others, so this introduces a mostly random element to how I share them here.

Thomas is in fact the LBSCR's original 106, built in September 1915, but immediately requisitioned by the War Department to aid in the construction of the NWR. When this was completed, it's likely that Thomas should have been sent back to Brighton. However, it was soon discovered that in his absence, the LBSCR had already built a replacement 106 - presumably they thought Thomas would be in such a state when they got him back, that they'd effectively be building a new engine anyway!

As in canon, Thomas ended up staying on Sodor permanently after the War, partly for the above reason, but mostly because his crew had settled down and married local girls. Their names were Annie and Clarabel, and both happened to get on well with Thomas. So when Thomas took charge of the Ffarquhar branch in 1925, he wanted to give names to his new coaches, and simply picked those of his crew’s wives.

This was actually one of the first headcanons I ever shared on this blog. See that post here.

As with Percy’s facade of simple-mindedness, the reasons for Thomas’ own personality changes may run deeper than most people think. I think it’s worth exploring the rough chronology of such changes, and seeing if we can figure out some in-universe reasoning for them:

First of all, Thomas arrived keen to please, a little cheeky, but ultimately determined to work hard. To be fair to him, he had been thrown in the deep end as soon as he’d arrived: Having to help build the NWR during a period of war, and then having to help run it during a period of uncertainty. With that sort of trial by fire, you can hardly blame him for not knowing how to give anything less than 100%. And when he teases the other engines, it’s almost always because he can’t conceive of anyone else giving less than their all.

Thomas’ first notable change comes after he takes charge of the Ffarquhar branch. Obviously gaining his own line gives him a slightly inflated sense of self-importance, but it also gives him something to channel all that I Must Give 110% Or Else The Entire Railway Will Collapse energy.

This is later followed by what @mean-scarlet-deceiver​ delightfully calls Thomas’ Mid-Life Crisis. With the pressures of war, the uncertainty of Nationalization, and the encroaching threat of bus competition, Thomas all but cracks at this point. Starting with his snowplough tantrum in 1947, and coming to a head with his breakfast incident in 1960, this is Thomas at his most childish and arrogant so far.

Incidentally, check out MSD’s post on this subject. They’re much better at this sort of psychoanalysis than I am.

Following the breakfast incident, Thomas mostly calms down and gets his shit together. It’s probably at this point that he realizes how high he’s let his own standards become, and that if he keeps trying to meet them, he’s never going to be satisfied. He still remains an arrogant little sod, but he’s finally learning to cut loose and enjoy himself.

Starting in the early 70s (i.e. from around S5 onwards), Thomas’ various past personalities all gradually find a balance they can all work with, as he starts becoming more relaxed, open-minded, call it what you will. Basically happy medium between his RWS/early-TVS personality, and the kids’ TV role model protagonist he became in later series.

Thomas is established to be pretty famous in-universe, both in the RWS and the TVS. He enjoys the fame, of course, but he can’t help but feel confused at how it’s endured for so long. Sure, it made sense with the books, as steam was still a regular feature on BR at the time. But the television series came out in an age of HSTs, Inter-City, and anonymous diesel engines - and yet it was massively popular! Most kids watching had likely never seen a steam engine before, so why did they latch onto it? Fortunately, Thomas doesn’t let this paradox worry him - he’s just glad that even in the modern age, steam still has a place in people’s hearts.

Apart from Annie & Clarabel, Thomas also has his very own brake van - an ex-Southern Pillbox by the name of Beverley. A fairly quiet and easygoing type, she has no great desire to explore the world beyond the confines of the railway. Like most brake vans, Beverley is also sensible and conscientious, and if trouble ever befalls Thomas and his trucks - as it often does - you can be sure that she'll be on hand to sort things out or suggest solutions to problems.

[ofcloudsandstars]

Celestial Forecast

Week July 6 - 12

Highlights:

On Tuesday the 7th, Eros moves into Gemini

On Wednesday the 8th, Ceres goes into Retrograde

On Saturday the 11th, Venus and Juno are in a beneficial trine that lasts for 4 days! A great time for abundance and love magic.

On Sunday the 12th, Mercury is direct yet Chiron goes into retrograde

SORRY AGAIN that this is late but boy oh boy what a week I had (imagine going back to work in hospitality catering to rude rich people on CAPRICORN FULL MOON ECLIPSE ugh just.. a lot of work and crazy shifts around work). Anyway this week seems to be focused on healing, what makes us feel loved and nurtured and creating active change around it. It's going to feel very 'peak' Cancer season with everything happening, but something to look forward to at the end of this week is Venus and Juno making a beneficial trine which can help us bring in any love or alignment with our values that will start at the end of the week (around with Mercury will go direct!) and last for four days.

Notes: I've stopped charting Psyche. Times are set to UTC.

___________

6th

Uranus in Taurus sextiles Vesta in Cancer ☾♑ Moon Conjunct Saturn rx in Capricorn ☾ VOC 9:35 - 10:08 ☾♒ Moon enters Aquarius ☾♒ Moon Trines Sappho in Libra then Venus in Gemini ☾♒ Moon Sextiles Mars in Aries

Energy: Today's overall theme is Uranus in Taurus sextiling Vesta in Cancer. This energy will create a push for change or experimentation with our work ethic and methods to attain our goals. The lunar aspects will reflect this in it's hourly chapters as it wraps up it's transit in Capricorn which helps us focus on our responsibilities and tasks and move into Aquarius that will help us expand our perspective and come up with new ideas. The moon will conjunct Saturn rx in Capricorn combining the twp energies to create a mood of inner work and focusing on tasks we need to complete or revisit. This responsible window of time will coincide with when the moon will have a beneficial trine with Psyche in Taurus which will have a subtle yet beneficial effect if we focus our energy towards overcoming karmic obstacles or connecting with our innermost self. We may find we could do that with ease at this time. The moon will go void of course for an hour giving us a break to rest then enter Aquarius which helps us to expand our perspective and innovate. The moon will trine Sappho in Libra then Venus in Gemini creating a harmonious balance between our emotions, our philosophies and attractions and our values. This energy together can help us to focus on work that is meaningful to us and with Uranus sextiling Vesta can bring additional perspectives and change in work ethic to align with these values. Additionally the moon will sextile Mars in Aries giving us a positive push and burst of energy to focus on our goals, undertake any challenges and find the motivation to go after our desires.

Recommendations: With all the saturn-influenced energies and Mars's beneficial influence, the focus may bring us to a physical plane where we will want to focus on getting stuff done. It's a good day for energy work based meditation focusing on the root base energy and listening to Mars or Saturn's frequencies while getting things done. A lot of 'heavy lifting' when it comes to doing work can be accomplished today.

___________

7th

Eros moves into Gemini ☾♒ Moon Squares Uranus in Taurus ☾♒ Moon Trines Juno in Libra ☾♒ Moon Sextiles Chiron in Aries

Energy: The asteroid of desire and passion moves into Eros today! We can find sources of motivation and fuel for our passionate fire in areas of communication and mental connection. It will feel easier to communicate our desires and we can find passion in exchanging ideas. Flirting and sex may see more dirty talk. Words will have more power of seduction behind them in this cycle. The moon will first trine Juno in Libra and Sextile Chiron in Aries around the same time. The trine will bring a harmonious alignment with our admiration and where we wish to devote ourselves to. This subtle yet beneficial window of time is great for attracting opportunities to you that resonate with you and where you want to commit yourself to, as well as love and attraction magic for people you'd want in your life. With the sextile with Chiron, this energy also has a push to create healing and find solutions. If you've felt blocked from this opportunity before, the Moon and Chiron sextile can help you understand the past, heal from it and try a new tactic to bring about what you need. Lastly the moon will square Uranus in Taurus which could bring a period of tension with wanting to bring change. This can cause a period of reflection where we can observe which areas in our life need to be shifted or it can create impulsivity which is not always encouraged or else chaos can ensue. This time is good to reflect and try to focus on how you can bring change that is needed instead of trying to act on it immediately. (Also after a square in a few days comes a trine or sextile so it's beneficial energy to bring about whatever you need as the energies will be balanced and flow together or have a positive push for you to act on it).

Recommendations: Eros is a fun planet to play with so do some energy work with channeling it's energy. Do a freewriting exercise expressing your desires and see what comes out. With the Uranus square it's a good time to reflect on what you would like to change in your personal life. Take notes and plan but do not take action yet. The moon trining Juno is a good time for doing manifestation or attraction magic on what we want to align ourselves with or commit ourselves to. If you already have that in your life it's a good time to spend energy on it. Lastly with the moon and Chiron sextile it's a prime time to do shadow work as a lot of break-throughs and healing can be accomplished in this time frame. The moon in Aquarius is a great time for new perspectives and change so all of this can help us to expand ourselves and evolve.

___________

8th

Ceres goes into Retrograde Mercury rx in Cancer sextiles Uranus in Taurus

☾ VOC 4:37 - 18:12 ☾♓ Moon enters Pisces ☾♓ Moon Squares Eros in Gemini

Energy: Ceres the minor planet of nurturing and caring goes retrograde today which will add an interesting and emotional flavor to the already dramatic and emotional Cancer season. Ceres retrograde means that nurturing will be focused on the self along with sacrifices that we may need to make in order to not smother others or opportunities with clinging on them too tightly. This can be things such as letting babies, metaphorically or literally leave the nest, letting go of anything that makes you feel nurtured or comforted that is no longer serving your or relinquishing your grasp on anything that needs to grow on it's own. It also means you will be focusing way more on caring for yourself and your needs. This retrograde will also highlight if you've been blocking the love and support others have been trying to give you. Sometimes the most cruel person in our lives are ourselves and this calls us to love ourselves unconditionally. Ceres retrograde does NOT do well with codependent relationships. You can find cold rude awakenings if you are currently in one. This retrograde can also make others feel a bit colder and affections be withdrawn in most relationships. On a concerning note this can affect crops and food especially if the way we nurture the land isn't good. This retrograde will bring harsh lessons in regards to the environment and our food cultivation and distribution. I'd hope it would not come to that but with the direction the world is going, this retrograde could bring those themes to the surface.

Today we also have Mercury in retrograde sextiling Uranus in Taurus. The Sextile is a positive push for us to review our inner mental landscapes and change our habits or any mentalities no longer serving us especially when it comes to our emotions. This sextile has the opportunities to bring epiphanies and new perspectives on our emotional and mental health. With Ceres going retrograde we may notice it more. The moon will enter spiritual pisces and square Eros in Gemini. This square often brings tension when it comes to us connecting with our desires and perusing them. We may feel a source of frustration when it comes to fulfilling our desires and may feel the urge to act impulsively yet squares can create difficulties with action as it's a better time to reflect. Observe what your desires are and write them down. With every square comes a sextile or trine a few days later and it's opportune energy to project manifestations on to bring what you need. Squares help push our emotions and feelings to the surface so we can review what bothers us in order to plan our next move.

Recommendations: The themes of inner change continue and it's good to focus on which habits we'd like to shed in this time. With Ceres going retrograde it's time we really start thinking about what self care means and taking care of our mental health. If you have a journal it's good to create focus on these themes as this retrograde will bring lessons regarding this area of our lives. Additionally self care and self nurturing can be achieved through earth-based magic. On a practical magic level this is an opportune time to focus on how to learn how to grow food and feed yourself. Even if you live without a yard you can look into learning about container gardening. ___________

9th

☾♓ Moon Conjunct Ceres rx in Pisces ☾♓ Moon Squares Venus in Gemini ☾♓ Moon Trines Mercury rx then Vesta in Cancer ☾♓ Moon Sextiles Uranus in Taurus

Energy: Today will feel heavily emotional and focused on our sense of emotional security and what makes us feel nurtured. We will definitely feel the influence of Ceres's retrograde with the moon in conjunction in Pisces. Our emotions regarding the areas in our life where we need more nurturing, where we could be blocking this from ourselves and what we need to let go of in regards to our sense of inner care (or actions that block us from this) will be at the forefront of our emotions. This can be amplified by the moon squaring Venus in Gemini creating tension where we may feel we need to be more loved and supported. This can make an unsavory combination for some to want to rush into relationships to feel secure but it's ill advised. Additionally these lunar transits, though short, can make people feel depressed especially with the moon in watery Pisces. The moon will trine Mercury rx and Vesta in Cancer. With the trine with Mercury rx, it will create a harmonious balance with our inner emotional landscape and understanding the source of our emotions. With Vesta there will be a balance with inner work ethic. Lastly the moon will sextile Uranus in Taurus which will push us for positive change. Even if today may feel emotionally heavy, the Uranus sextile will help us to create the positive changes needed on a personal level to overcome our situations.

Recommendations: This is a really good time for reflection and shadow work regarding inner love and self care with the moon conjunct Ceres rx, it's square with Venus and it's trine with Mercury rx. What you may find upon reflection will benefit you in the days to come especially at the end of the week when mercury is direct and Venus and Juno are in a trine. Additionally this reflection can help create positive change in our personal lives when the moon will sextile Uranus in Taurus.

___________

10th

☾♓ Moon Conjunct Neptune rx in Pisces ☾♓ Moon Trines Sun in Cancer ☾♓ Moon Sextiles Jupiter rx and Pluto rx in Capricorn

Energy: The moon's transit through sensitive pisces continues on as it conjuncts Neptune rx in Pisces highlighting our inner sources of faith and what makes us feel aligned spiritually. Usually this transit can create a sense of other-worldliness and a thinning veil yet with Neptune in retrograde, a lot of harsh truths and deceptions can be revealed for what they truly are. However Neptune rx still produces a lot of scammers for some reason so be wary during this transit to not fall under any illusions or deceptions or else you'll learn the hard retrograde lesson and get scammed. Positively the moon trines the Sun in Cancer today creating a balance of energy that adds a beneficial boost to our magic and activities. The moon is waning so this gibbous trine is good for seizing opportunities, especially when it comes to reaping rewards towards projects or endeavors you have previously put out. If you haven't put out any work yet, this is a great beneficial time to finish up work and strive towards your goals. Promoting your work is recommended now as well. Lastly with the moon sextiling Jupiter rx and Pluto rx in Capricorn there is a positive push for inner expansion, reviewing our truths and connecting with our spirit and inner power. This energy asks us to be honest in order to connect with ourselves on a deeper level and push for our goals.

Recommendations: It's a good day to explore ourselves spiritually as the moon conjuncts Neptune rx in Pisces and sextiles Jupiter rx and Pluto rx. We can have the energetic push to really connect with our truths and sources of faith and power with the lunar transits. Additionally it's a lucky day to focus on personal endeavors with the Moon trining the Sun.

___________

11th

Venus in Gemini trines Juno in Libra (for 4 days!) ☾♓ Moon Sextiles Saturn rx in Capricorn ☾ VOC 4:48 - 18:05 ☾♈ Moon enters Aries ☾♈ Moon Conjunct Mars and Chiron in Aries ☾♈ Moon Squares Mercury rx in Cancer ☾♈ Moon Sextiles Eros in Gemini and Sappho in Libra

Energy: A MAGICAL window of time opens up as Venus gets an incredible harmonious boost thanks to Juno having a beneficial trine with it until the 14th of July. These four days of love can help us to devote our energy purely towards what we value, what we want to commit ourselves to and what we need to feel loved and appreciated. With the moon in a waning gibbous phase it's still a good harmonious time to focus the balanced energy towards our goals so in combination it's a great time to make daring moves on projects, on people we may be attracted to or want to include in our life for any reason or anything to benefit ourselves in a venusian way. Once again trines are so harmonious they are subtle so it's good to mark this on your calendar before it happens. It's a magical time where you could meet someone special or find an opportunity that aligns with something you love. The moon will enter Aries today as well giving us that boost of courage and new fresh start to encourage us on this path. However before so it will sextile Saturn rx in Capricorn giving us a window of time to focus on our responsibilities, wrap up tasks we need to finish or pick up work we have put aside that will benefit us in the future. When the moon enters Aries it will conjunct Mars which will give us the fiery drive, energy and courage to face any challenge that could help us in our goals to align ourselves with what or who we love. (Additionally with the Ceres retrograde what we need in order to feel nurtured and loved will be more defined in our awareness). The moon will square Mercury rx in Cancer creating tension in the areas of our emotional mental landscape which could exacerbate any negative feelings Ceres rx is bringing up regarding our feelings of being nurtured or our emotions being respected or tended to. It's a good time to reflect and see what you need to do in order to honor that area of yourself. Additionally this is the last day of Mercury's retrograde so this square can help us reflect on all that we have learned and endured during it. It's a good time to review lessons we have learned regarding our mental and emotional landscape. Lastly with the moon sextiling Eros in Gemini and Sappho in Libra, we will get a positive push to go after our desires! With all the other energies today, this 4 day period of luck around love is sure to create a positive influence on our magic and manifestations, but it's important to reflect on what you need and mark the days on your calendar so that you do not miss them.

Recommendations: Write down what you desire or what you want to align yourself with that makes you feel authentic or aligned with your destiny. It's good to have this information solidified so when you want to do energy work in manifesting these things you can do so with clarity. With the moon conjunct Chiron it's good to do shadow work and focus on inner healing and what could have blocked you from this reality before hand.

___________

12th

Mercury direct in Cancer Sun in Cancer trines Neptune rx in Pisces Chiron goes into Retrograde ☾♈ Moon Sextiles Venus in Gemini and Juno in Libra

Energy: Yay! Mercury's short retrograde is over and it's gone direct. It's time to reflect on what you have learned and clean house (mentally) as it takes it's time to fully wake up while it's still in it's groggy shadow phase. Reflect on what you need to let go of and how you can benefit your mental health. This theme will last for a few days as the Moon will square the sun in a few days creating a moment in time where we will reflect on the lunar cycle, what we have learned and what we need to let go of. A theme of the day is the Sun in Cancer trining Neptune rx in Pisces creating a positive energetic balance that will help us connect with our inner source of faith and spiritual connection. If you have been feeling disenchanted with your craft, beliefs or spiritual path, this trine can help you find that connection easily. Another important shift that begins today is Chiron going retrograde in Aries. It's a period of inner healing and exploring wounds that can still be holding us back in some areas. Especially if Ceres rx is revealing how we may be blocking ourselves from love and being nurtured, Chiron rx can reveal the reasons why and give us an opportunity to heal. The Moon in Aries will have a positive sextile with Venus in Gemini and Juno in Libra creating a connection to that Venus x Juno trine that can help bring love into our lives. It's a beautiful day to do manifestation spells and love magic.

Recommendations: With Mercury direct but still in shadow it's a good time to take stock on what lessons it's retrograde has bought you and what you need to mentally shed away before moving forward. It's a time of cleaning house on a mental level. With the Sun trining Neptune rx it's another day that's great to explore our spirituality and maybe how it serves us when it comes to inner healing and finding solutions with Chiron going into retrograde. With the moon sextiling Venus and Juno's trine it's a FANTASTIC day for love and attraction magic.

___________

[thorsstorms]

Abroad Pt. 19

Summary: Being the Hemsworth Kids’ Nanny, you were vowed to keep it strictly professional for their sake, but do the stolen glances go unnoticed between you both?

Word count: 5.2k

Warnings: y’all know I’m a bitch for angst by now right?

A/N: @hildehuffles this ones for you. ALSO. THE YOUTUBE CHANNEL IM TALKING ABOUT IS YES THEORY. I was in Venice a couple weeks ago, and felt like adding in a little get away like I had done. I told no one I was going and literately hopped on a plane with an Airbnb secured. #SeekDiscomfort also one of the best trips to LA I had ever taken. 10/10 recommend. 

Masterlist

Your eyes were glued to the generously sized television screen mounted on the wall, holding the flimsy bottle of water tight in your hands. The conversation took a swift turn with only a sentence spoken and it was the two of you dressed at the premier that was painting the background. You knew she was only doing this to tease him, and the sly comments he made in turn settled your nerves.

“So Chris… Who? Who‘s that?” His eyes were drawn to the monitor, not startled at all by her outburst but calm, with a telltale pink tint creeping up and a squinty eyed smile trying to stay buried.

The crowd whoops in retaliation.

He stayed silent a moment more, staring at the monitor, thinking of a way to answer until the crowd calms down. The comedian looks mischievous, obviously taking pride in his suffering though she knows exactly who you are now. The crowd doesn’t need to know that detail. She only means to tease, it’s who she was!

He folds his hands, rubbing them together before simply saying, “I have never seen that woman in my life.” Obviously joking. 

“Oh come on!” she pushed, glowing eyes with a smile stretching across her cheeks.

“Yea, yea. That is my girly-friend, you could say. It’s-It’s weird to say that because I feel like she’s more than just a girlfriend, you know?” He glances again back at the large picture behind him before running a hand down the side of his face, focusing back forwards. He knows you are just watching the screen, glued to the screen at that, in the green room. He didn't know what you were thinking! It could go one of two ways in his mind. Absolutely silently losing your mind or laughing in retaliation to his discomfort of not knowing what to say. Hopefully the latter.

“Oh! I know.” She jokes, full on laughing at him while he smirks but stares daggers playfully. She knows you were more than just a girlfriend in his mind now, but how could he resist the shot of you meeting and hugging Ellen Degeneres and not stick the ring up and snap a photo of the moment while you were faced away? She was a trustworthy person, or so he hoped. Not proven wrong so far.

“Okay, Okay,” she settles herself. “So tell me, where did you find her?” She was keen to the details.

“Uhh- The internet,” he says without missing a beat. You almost choke on your own spit at his fast response, not knowing whether to laugh or crawl into a hole. But the crowd loved it, laughing. He sure got a kick out of the response, thinking he, himself, was funny. Loser.

“You are joking.” Ellen says, dead panning him.

“No, no really. My, uh, my manager found her for me.” He continues on, deceiving the crowd. Depriving them of the whole truth.

“Oh my god, Chris,” you mutter to yourself in the quiet room. Ellen got a kick out of that even more, stopping him from continuing down this road. He obviously was not going to give straight forward answers.

“Okay, okay.” She switches to a different question. “So…” She dragged out for an effect. Maybe just to make him squirm.

“Oh no,” he mumbled. She just had a look, a look that told that she had so many wrong questions under her sleeve.

“You filming something Chris?” The crowd slowly grew to giggle when he didn’t answer. Just stared her down trying not to react.

“Do you have, like, anything I can answer?!” He burst with a chuckle, wiping his palms on his thighs. “I’m just in town, and agreed to come see you and you treat me like this!” His smile was bright while she muttered apologies, laughing at his distress.

The interview eventually calmed down, them playing a rapid fire game afterwards. You finally settle into the couch to watch the interactions.

That was so not as bad as it could have been. He knew what he was doing during interviews anyway, or you had hoped.

~

You slept in the next morning, only waking to acknowledge that he was leaving for the day. This was a free day to yourself and sleeping in as long as you wanted seemed like the best way to start.

He left you with a mere kiss on the nose before he trudged out the door. The night before was yet another dismissal and it left you flustered and annoyed as all get out, so the day to yourself was the best present around.

Regardless of how much you thought you wanted a calm day, you were texting him by noon, telling him you were bored. By the time he replied, a mere 45 minutes later you were already sucked into YouTube. You found a new channel that piqued your interest and were easily four videos in.

“Sorry princess. Come with me tomorrow?”

You read the preview and sighed, ignoring it for the moment and pressed play on the video again. These guys in the videos were entertaining... inspiring, even.

By the time the fifth video started, their names were easily remembered. What sparked interest even more was the fact that they are based out of Venice Beach, a mere 45 minute drive through LA, on a good day at least.

The video of them walking the sidewalks interviewing strangers that were bold enough to go on an adventure made you want to feel the same sun they were obviously surrounded in. The couch had been your home for the last hour, a window open to let in some light, shining gold streaks through the room, but it wasn't enough.

The rules that plagued yourself were on a repeat in your head as you clicked on another video, then another, and another. You were not supposed to be spending too much time staring at a screen. You weren't supposed to drive, or go out on your own because you are still healing. You're not supposed to be in such sunny areas it could hurt your eyes still. Don't do this, don't do that.

It is suffocating. Infuriating that the list of long don'ts probably repeats through Chris’s head like a mantra, that's why he won't touch you. That's why he won't let you touch him.

Anger slowly flowed through your mind as you started to lose focus on the video playing. You closed the app and opened google maps, staring at the words ‘Venice Beach’ in correlation to where you were stuck inside, across the city. It was like torturing yourself. A silent battle of wanting to just go, go and then think about it later.

You slowly rolled your shoulders back as you sat up on the cushions of the couch that were not as comfy as you had hoped. The time on the lock screen taunted back at you. You could go and make it back in enough time to be home before Chris got back. You scoffed at the thought. He wouldn't be happy, but you were an adult. A very capable adult who can make their own choices. Staying in your bubble of Byron almost makes you forget your own sense of independence. He doesn't get to decide what you can and can't do.

The bathroom light shone a tad brighter than the natural lighting in the living room, eyes squinting quickly at the flush. You moved to the sink to wash your face, pulled a hair tie to braid your hair, and picked out some clothes.

Double checking for your wallet and phone in your purse brought on second thoughts. You never answered his text. He probably wouldn't notice for a while anyway. You pushed away the small ache of neglect that settled inside, it wasn't his fault. He was working. It’s when he wasn't working, that's when brush offs hurt the most.

Checking your makeup again in the mirror to make sure the covering was adequate over the blueing bruises, you made your way out, pulling the door behind you after ordering an Uber to Venice.

Los Angeles wasn't all the glitz and glam that movies made it out to be. You learned that pretty fast last time you all had been here, with the kids. Having a temporary place in Burbank meant crossing the city often, though a quick commute for Chris. The studios were not but a 6 minute drive away. Ideal, yes. But fun, no.

The drive seemed quick, the driver was slightly chattier than what you thought was normal but you were not complaining. You may have just had a week with more adult action than you’d had in the last few months combined but you were never one to be impolite. You didn't say much, only that you've never visited Venice before and didn't know why, so you just said ‘why not?’.

When the vehicle came to a stop and a moment of regret flushed forward, but you pushed it back quick. Going by yourself was not the worst thing in the world. How else were you going to be able to see what you wanted to see? You didn't know anybody here in L.A. other than Chris. It wasn't like you could call Miley up and ask her to stroll around town with you. Well, you could. But - not like this.

You adjusted your own sunglasses as you walked the last block towards the water. The art on the walls were bright and gave off calm vibes. A skateboard whizzed past you quickly, catching you off guard. You sidestepped to the right of the sidewalk and watched him ride past you and others, closer towards the shops. Clutching your bag closer to your body, you continued, rounding the corner to what was familiar from the videos you had been so enamoured with.

Towering palm trees. Bikes, so many bikes. So many skateboards. You looked around a moment after making sure you were out of the walk way, admiring the ease of the people around. The skatepark up on the hill and the art lining the sidewalks it was all what you hoped to see from the video.

The shops were cute, making your way through a few. So many surf shops and all you could think about was guilt that Chris didn't know you left the apartment. Everything reminds you of him. A fire fight started in your brain - consisting of respect you had for having a partner versus having a sense of independency. You didn't have to disclose every footstep, you never expected him to, at least.

The spiral of your thoughts continued as you strolled across the sidewalks, leaving behind the shops. You took a seat in the grass overlooking the busy basketball courts and pulled your phone out. Ignoring the warmth on your shoulders from the sun, you checked for any notifications and were met with none.

Did you have a right to feel the way you were feeling at the moment?

Was it selfish? Was it hormones? Forget that.

But were you chalking it up to be something more, just a spiral of thoughts when he wasn't there to discredit them? Your clouds caused a moment of zoning out as you pondered.

You both spent all day yesterday together, he even made you dinner, working in the kitchen with music playing while you watched him from the couch. Admiring and happy to see him. A glint in your eyes that stayed, unsubdued. A girl can't help but be worked up when she had gone so long without him, pregnancy hormones were no help to the cause. All you wanted was for him to acknowledge what you had been repeatedly showing off.

You were horny.

There was no other way to put it. And a healing head injury was not going to magically make the want disappear, even if it seemed to have made the want disappear from himself. The thought made your stomach clench, remembering when he turned around and caught you staring at him with lustful, shameless eyes.

He knew the look. He knew it very well. But what happened when his eyes met you made your blood run cold, your feet quickly allowing you to leave the room so the hitch in your breath wasn't caught by his ears.

He had looked away from your gaze with a sigh, turning his back to you. Another word didn't leave his mouth until he had come to find you in the bedroom to tell you that dinner was ready. He stopped himself from pushing open the door when he heard you talking. The sadness in your voice, clouded with tears as you spoke to whoever was on the other line.

“We had such a good day, I had such a good day,” you corrected. “But, but I just-” you stopped a moment, taking in a shaking breath to gather your thoughts. He looked at his feet, bowing his head when the upset nature of the phone call settled in his mind.

“I just miss him so much Bri, and I feel like he just doesn't see me. I feel -”

Your speech was cut off by yelling through the line of the phone. You sucked in a breath and it came out in a shudder, trying to calm your own emotions. He didn't know what she was saying but it silenced you. He felt heavy with guilt that he was the source of your anguish. He needed to stop being weak. He was scared to hurt you but here he was, causing you pain repeatedly until he was the source of your tears. He didn't know if you were crying or not, but he could feel the pain and confusion behind your words.

You started to wrap up the call. A sting of “I know”s and “Okay”s spilled off your tongue and he made his way back to the kitchen, hoping you wouldn't feel upset if you knew that he was listening.

He stood plating the stir fry when you made your way back into the room with a grim smile, peaking at him and muttering ‘thank you’.

You remembered how he led you to the couch and played a random movie on the TV while you ate. He pulled you close to him when you both cleared you plates. The rush that had flooded through you made you blush. You sat there snuggled to him for almost an hour before you both headed to bed and he didn't touch you again.  He said all the right things, but words were hard at having such a meaning when his actions were iffy.

“I love you.”

“I'm glad you're here with me.”

“I missed you.”

“I love you, so much,” he would say with a rub on your arm.

A small kiss to your temple and you rolled on your side away from him, closing your eyes. Unbeknownst to you, he felt a bit of his heart break away when he watched you reach for the blankets and tug them to your shoulders, seeking them out for warmth rather than himself.

The empty notification screen mocked you, clicking the phone off once again. You looked up at your surroundings to admire the feel. It was busy, but not uncomfortably so. The skatepark behind you was bustling, and so were the basketball courts in front of you. But right there, where the grass was a soft green and you leaned against the raised plateau behind you, it was serene. Fairly quiet for the crowd around, but it was as if the sound didn't carry. The seagulls above were gliding, and the faint clicks of skate wheels hitting the ground blurred into the background noise of music coming from the shops.

It was a good spot to think. Something you have alway done far too much of.

The buzz in your hand had you snaping your head towards it, a dull ache spreading down your neck at the swift movement. The message had you jumping to your feet, making your way to the corner where you were dropped off.

“Almost done here. In the mood to go out for food?”

~

He beat you home, only by a minute though it seemed. As you were stepping out of the car and thanking the driver, your phone started ringing. You declined, tossing it into the mess of a purse you had as you made your way inside to the elevators, favoring talking to him in person instead.

The ride up seemed to go by faster than any other time before, allowing your nerves to revv in the light of Chris possibly being upset. The padding of your shoes made it to the door, your hand pushing it open.

His eyes met yours when the door opened and unsurprisingly the first words out of his mouth were, “where were you?”

“I just needed to get out for a bit,” you acknowledged lightly, setting your purse on the counter tops. You didn't meet his eyes, turning your back and digging for your phone. His voice was laced with curiosity, not expecting you to not be there when he arrived, even if you were only off by a mere minute or two.

“Where did you go?” He asked, keeping his feet planted. You turn to see him. He truly had just gotten here, a bag still thrown over his shoulder and shoes still on his feet. His brows furrowed as you met his eyes and then diverted from them again, absentmindedly rubbing your temple where bruises were covered.

“I went to Venice Beach, I haven't been there before and I just want to walk aro-”

“How did you get to Venice? Did you go by yourself?” He worried on with a malice tone. Your ears were growing red as he spoke.

“Yes I went by myself, who else would I have gone with?” You hissed at him. You could already feel your hands shaking. You knew you had worked yourself up today while you were out and were just waiting for the point to start a fight. Still completely confused on whether he deserved it or not, but you were beyond frustrated.

“I don't know anybody here! I have one friend who I barely see! Yes! I went by myself. I needed to be around people. I'm lonely!” You raised your voice at him. He stepped towards you with his hands out when your defense shot up. You crossed your arms around yourself protectively, delivering a sign of needing to be comforted, even if by your own arms.

“I'm sick of being by myself!” You told him as he grew closer, watching with pained eyes as you laid it out for him. “I just - God I don’t know. I just - I needed to get out and do something.”

“Hey,” he calmed. “Im right here.”

“No, Chris!” You pushed his outstretched hands away from your own. “You're not.” You took a deep breath while he stood speechless, catching an eyeful of the hurt you were carrying on your shoulders.

“Princess,” he pleaded, waiting for you to take a look at him but your eyes were wandering to any surface but his.You couldn't get the right words out to say. It had always been like this when you grew frustrated, your own vocabulary runs from your thoughts. You grew silent as a tear finally fell from your eyes but was quickly wiped away by his own fingers. When you didn't protest his touch he took that as a good sign. He muttered your name in surrender.

“What do you want me to do?” He watched for a reaction. “Tell me what I can do.” He was at a loss. Spending more time apart than together was a strain that was eerily familiar and it pressed down on him so hard he was ready to beg for understanding. He wanted to understand what he could do to make this better but what you said next caught him off guard, rendering him silent and confused.

“Do you love me?”

His eyes burned at the yearning of your question. The watery eyes that flicked to his in search of an answer. His lips were dropped open at the turn of events this evening had taken. He thought about this evening all day. He was going to let you choose the place for dinner and shower you with dessert, with love, and affection to make up for what he had overheard. He wanted to show you the beautiful diamond that had your name written all over it and ask a very important question.

He was too quiet, mulling over how he had gotten to this point while you stood with uncertainty, continuing on your quest of finding answers.

“I know I'm starting to look different,” your head bowed at the revelation that he might not like what he sees. “And we are so far apart alot, but I'm still me.”

He spoke your name, drawing himself from his silent trance, wanting you to stop now and not speak another incredulous word.

“My face,” you whispered sadly. “It will go away in a little bit...” The whole in your chest was opening, grabbing a hold of your voice and refusing to let another word out.

“Baby, stop,” his words filled the empty void when yours ceased. He eyed a hand of yours making its way to your neck, a sign of discomfort. He stopped it in its tracks and pulled you to his chest.

His arms cocooned you, holding you far too tight to be comfortable, but you needed it. To feel he was there and there with you. He pressed you head to his chest with the revelation of disregarding his own hesitancy of somehow hurting you with his touch. His heartbeat melding with your own as you froze, slowly melting your guard until tears wet his shirt.

If his goal was to keep you from harm, he failed. It was proven when you released the tension from your shoulders against his grip. His words repeated until you showed signs of listening. Words of reassurance and love. Words filled with apologies and pleads for you to forgive him for causing you this pain. He was naive to think of you in such a way. To make up a version of yourself that was weak or fragile. He lost sight of the fire you have in your veins when happiness emits from your aura. The glow you have when your body shakes from laughter. The strong independent girl that rounded the corner of his kitchen and introduced herself without a glitch of uncertainty. But here you were asking for reassurance and he knew it was his own fault.

You cried in his arms, letting him carry your weight from the room before he sat down on the bed and let you take a moment to breathe, curled atop his knees and listening to his voice.

“Hey,” He said, lifting a hand from your shoulder to run over his face, drying the wetness that plagued his own skin. “You are so beautiful that it takes my breath away. Perfect. And I mean in every sense. You will always be perfect. Princess I never want to hear you say those words again. You are so perfect. And always will be. We have a little baby growing.” You took a deep breath, picking your head off his shoulder and reaching down to lay a hand over the swell in your tummy.

“A baby!” He said, laying a hand over your own, though waiting for you to meet his eyes again. “You will look different, princess, and I will be here and love every single minute of it. I promise. No doctor appointments with Bri, I will be here. And this,” He brushed your hair away from your face, fingers lingering against your scalp. Your head tilted up and basked in the touch.

“This I take responsibility for. It eats me up inside, but you still take my breath away. Every time, and always will.” He watched as you looked at him and listened intimately to what he was saying. “And I want to be the person you go places with. You can go alone if you like,” he added, “but I will never not want to be by your side. Do you understand me?”

You look on a second more, gauging his expression and contemplating his words before you nod. “No more tears, please.” His hands moved to cradle your face, thumbs clearing the skin and in a flash his lips met yours. Filled with promise, he kissed you like you wished he would for days. You craved his taste and was letting you have it, finally feeding into the small fire in the pit of your stomach.

“I love you so much,” he whispered against your lips.

“I have something I want to show you,” he admitted, pulling away. A deep, clarifying breath escaped your lungs and he rubbed your back in turn, reaching in his pocket for his phone with the other hand.

His fingers fumbled across the screen, having to reenter the password twice. You looked away and laid your head into the crock of his neck, closing your eyes. Whatever it was, surely it could wait while your heart mellowed to a regular pace.

The peace was cut short when he whispered your name again, drawing your eyes open. He pushed his phone from his hand and into yours.

“There’s an album right here with your name on it.” You looked on at his camera albums listed on the bright screen. “And I want you to look through it.” He was certain with his words, urging you on.

“Why?” you asked, looking back up at him.

“I love you so much princess, I just want to show you, I want for you to know it and never question it again.” His sincerity was clear, nodding back down towards the phone in your hands. You opened it without a word and clicked on a photo. It was nice, from a few months back, but neither you nor India were looking towards him. She sat in front of you on the kitchen counter, clearly way past her bedtime. Both of you sneaking a bowl of ice cream but what stood out was the smile adorning both of your faces. Crazy hair and slightly sunburned cheeks laughing at each other. You remembered the night clearly, both of you having a private running joke to see how much ice cream you both could eat before Papa notices and “makes us eat salad for dinner”.

You sneaked a look up at him after glancing at the photo, “You know we sneak ice cream all the time, right?”

“Sure do,” he laughed in return. “Keep going.”

You looked back down at the phone and swiped to see another. A photo snuck from the doorway while you rested your head in your hand, elbows on the table as you watched the boys write something out on some paper in the homeschool room, reaching out with the other hand to point at something on Tristans’ sheet.

The next one was you sitting at the foot of the couch while India stood tall above you trying to put a braid in your locks while Sasha sat on your legs with a book in his hand. It was serene, calm. You pressed down on the picture to watch the Live, a short clip of fingers tangling in your hair and Sasha's voice reading aloud. You stifle a smile at it.

The next made you suck in a breath. You were sleeping in his bed at home, the sheet barely covering you. The curve of your back disappearing into the sheets, obviously sleeping in the nude, unaware of the camera pointed at you.

“Chris!” You teased, looking at him. And smirked and shrugged his shoulders, encouraging you again to continue. You brought your attention back to the photos, swiping through more and more. There were many and you kept going at a steady pace until another caught your eye.

You brought the screen to your eyes to examine it, brows furrowing in curiosity. Sasha’s room, although slightly messy, was easily recognizable as you lounged on the bed in the background, lying next to the boy.

Fingers trapping a small ring with an identifiable glow thrusting off the jewel perched atop. The pads of your fingers zoomed in on the object, at the same time, fairly sure your lungs stopped working.

You quickly swiped to the next picture, though the same ring adorned the foreground.

This time you stood against the bathroom counter brushing out your hair.  The circle of jewelry resting around his own finger, reaching just below the first knuckle before it got stuck. You stared at the daring ring, resisting the urge to look at the man whose chest was pressed against your shoulder, whose arm rested across your back, rubbing gently, urging for you to continue.

You covered your mouth at the next one, fingers resting across your lips in astonishment. The bare skin of your shoulders were accented by the waves of your hair falling over them. Eyes closed, rested against his chest in search of sleep. He was cheeky, smiling in the photo, showing off a glowin diamond on a ring far too small for his own fingers.

The next picture was another of the same nature. Then a photo of you reaching for a glass in the kitchen. One of you sleeping on a plane. One of you naked, behind the blurred glass of the shower doors. One of you staring intently at your phone while standing at the counter. One of you standing in the mirror, examining, no - admiring the form of your growing baby.

You knew Chris was up to something, fidgeting after taking that photo, looking guilty as all get out. A brief watery laugh escaped as you reached that one.

The next was hilarious, Ellen with her face over your shoulder, with a surprised look, staring right at the camera. She knew!

You looked up at him, waiting for an answer to these photos. He just smiled and nudged you till you finished. There were more, a few more, as recent as this morning before he snuck away to go to set.

“It’s for you, love,” his voice whispers against the skin of your neck, lowering his lips to press a kiss where he knows you melt no matter the circumstance. An arm tightened around your back as he leaned forward and reached under the mattress, pulling a hidden box from the crease. You glazed at it as he switched hands and then brought it to you, flipping it open.

It was there, in person and not in a photo, demanding attention is the slyest of ways. It was beautiful, extravagant with an essence of simplicity. Words were caught in your throat as you stared at it, slowly blurring from your vision from unwelcome tears.

“Will you marry me?”

[banashee]

Part 6/25 of my @badthingshappenbingo​ round 2

Prompt: Denied food as a punishment

This is also Part 1 of a new series: “Like a ghost in the back of my mind”

please mind the tags and warnings!

 A growing emptiness

 A big part of his childhood, Clint spends either hungry or worrying about food.

 He learns early on to take food whenever possible, because the likelihood of there not being any later is high. Most of the time, it’s due to poverty. This is often paired with his father (or later, other caretakers) spending money on booze rather than food. Satisfying their own needs instead of feeding the kids. Sadly, he is used to it and so he learns to eat whenever possible, whatever he can get his hands on any. Clint isn’t picky at all.

 He’ll eat something even though it may be off. Clint has scraped mold off of bread more than once, forced himself to choke down something he doesn’t like at all, because it’s still better than nothing.

 Sometimes, when things get bad, he’ll steal food.

 He is ashamed of it, but not enough to stop. Running from someone who is angry he took some sort of fruit or vegetable from their garden is much preferred to digging through a trashcan. He does that, too. Some days, he’s got no other choice, especially if he managed to piss off Duquesne or Chisholm and they decide to cut him off.

 “Pissing them off” can mean many things, and as much as Clint can be sassy or big mouthed when he wants to, more often than not, it’s not even anything he said.

 He might not train hard enough to their liking, he might fail because he is sick or distracted. Any number of things that are out of his control.

 Sometimes, they just feel like it. “You owe us your life” they’ll say, or “I decide if you’ll eat or not. Today you won’t.”

 Clint gets used to this, too. It is one of the biggest reasons he’ll hoard food whenever he can get any. Occasionally, Barney or Chisholm will find it, and then all hell breaks loose, leading to more yelling, more bruises, more cuts or broken bones.

 He is more careful after that. Clint also gets used to ignoring hunger - he’s been used to it long before, but living the way he does only makes it worse.

 It’s not until much, much later when Clint is an adult and with SHIELD that he realizes just      how     fucked up his upbringing really was.

 Yes, it hurt, and yes it sucked, in countless different ways. But he never knew anything else back then.

 The thing is, if it happened to anyone else, he’d have started a riot for their cause. But him? That’s just how things are and better deal with it he kept telling himself.

 Now, that Clint is older and out of this environment,  he has learned that, despite his experiences, not all people are bad.

 There are people who love and support him, people who see more in him than someone who is worth something because of his skillset. People who see him as a friend because of him, and not what he can do.

 Until he gets there, it is a long way.

 Clint doesn’t trust anyone, avoids personal interactions whenever possible. It’s easier to protect himself that way. The one exception is Agent Phil Coulson, who has recruited him - that is, he pulled him out of a shithole and offered a new job, a new life. Him being his assigned handler helps, too. No one else wants to deal with him, and he’s okay with that.

 He’ll do his job and do whatever is asked of him, but he doesn’t want anyone around him, really. People mean risk means attack means loss of control.

 Never again.

 Apart from the obvious, working with SHIELD also means a lot more freedom than he had before. Sure, he’d spent 3 years on the streets and working highly illegal jobs, but he really doesn’t count “on the run” as freedom. The army, circus or foster care don’t come anywhere near that word and neither does any other part of his childhood.

 Now, he has legal work with times and places to be when it’s ordered, but he’s got a place to go back to, a bed to sleep in and a cafeteria that’s open 24/7.

 If he is being honest, that last part is kind of overwhelming. Especially in the first days and weeks, he expects the access to it to be revoked at any time, to find the doors closed some day. It never happens, but it doesn’t stop him from squirreling more bread rolls and packets of chips for later into his pockets. No one notices, or if they do, no one calls him out of it. It is as good as permission as it gets.

 The thing is: Clint is used to starvation. He never really had regular meals, it was always eat whatever you can, how much you can and then hide more for bad times. Sometimes, that meant 6000 calories in one day and a few granola bars over the course of the next week.

 It’s a pattern he is used to, and as such, his visits to the cafeteria are few and far between, but he does pack away more than most when he is there.

 Clint doesn’t think anyone would care enough to notice.

 He is wrong.

 Clint has been with SHIELD for several months when Phil Coulson approaches him after a meeting. There are other Agents present, so he simply tells him, “Barton, a word please.” while walking past, trusting that he’ll follow him. He does.

 When the door to Coulson’s office closes behind then, Clint asks,

 “What’s up, boss?”

 “Sit, please. This isn’t strictly work-related, but it worries me.” Phil knows he needs to be careful how he approaches this situation, because Barton doesn’t trust most people. He does, however, trust him, which is half the reason he is talking to his asset about this when most would have booked him an appointment with psych with no questions asked. In this case, it would be a sure way to lose whatever trust Barton managed to build in the past few months since he joined the organisation.

 Clint sits down on the chair across from Coulson, frowning. He isn’t sure where this is going, and he hates that.

 “Yes?” he asks curtly, waiting for more explanation.

 Coulson speaks deliberately, keeping his body language open. The last thing he wants is for this to come across as accusatory.

 “It’s something I noticed, and to be honest, I think you need help. Ever since you joined us, I’ve never seen you eat anything for more than a few times a week. Let alone multiple times a day. Not here or when we are out on missions…”

 A deep flush creeps up Barton's neck. He isn’t angry, which surprises him. But he is deeply embarrassed that someone noticed his patterns.

 “Oh.” he says, and stays silent for a bit. Thankfully, Coulson lets him, waits for him to say anything else.

 “It’s fine, I’m used to it.”

 Except, it isn’t fine.

 It’s never affected his work before, but things get stressful and then, a mission goes to shit in all the wrong ways.

 The circumstances are out of anyone's control, but when it gets down to it, people die and Clint, who has a bullet stuck in his shoulder, can’t react fast enough to save them all.

 He finally gets a clear shot and with pain shooting through him, he manages to bring down the men who shot a group of civilians and two of their agents just seconds before, saving the remaining people. Unfortunately, they can’t do anything to help either their two agents or the family that was captured by them. One teenanger, a toddler and two adults. All of them are dead.

 He failed.

 Cold dread and nausea rise in Clint, and he manages to find an empty corner of the rooftop he is perched on before he is sick all over the place.

 He is dry heaving while the Senior Agent whose name he keeps forgetting yammers into the commlink, causing it to blow out with certain tones that are painful despite his already shitty hearing. The sensation makes it all worse, but Clint can’t talk, choking and coughing still, when suddenly, his private channel to Coulson crackles to life.

 It’s always in place, no matter what. Clint doesn’t trust anyone else like he trusts Coulson, and he appreciates him looking out for him that way. He is always more comfortable, when he knows that there is a line of communication open with him.

 “Barton, status report. Talk to me.”

 Clint chokes on air and stomach fluid again - there isn’t anything but water that he could throw up, but his body is reacting violently. There is blood, dripping from his shoulder and soaked uniform onto the floor. As much as he wants to say anything, he can’t.

 “Stay put, I’m coming.”

 With the other Senior Agent still yelling over the comms, with the pain, guilt and panic in his chest and dizziness in his head, Clint can’t focus on anything. He collapses on the floor, uncaring whether or not he lands in the mess, gasping for air and trying to get a grip on himself.

 Then, Coulson appears by his side. He faintly notices that he is talking to him, but he can’t make out his words. He is too far gone, and then he starts to black out. Part of Clint is glad that he can blame the tears in his eyes on pain from his bullet wound and the fact that he’s spent the last few minutes throwing up violently, but even in his sorry state, he knows he’s fucked up.

 When Clint wakes up, he does so in a hospital bed, drugged with pain medication. He hates it immediately, because hospitals, in his experience, are one of the unsafest places one could ever be in. He’s forced to stay in bed, hooked up to machines or IV lines, people know where he is and who he is and there is no way of defending himself in this state.

 His heartbeat speeding up and breathing gets hard. Before he can do anything else, a warm hand is placed onto his arm, and it takes Clint a while to realize that it’s Coulson, who is talking to him, trying to help and he doesn’t leave.

 Clint is too out of it to say or do anything about it. After a while, he falls back asleep.

 He doesn’t eat.

 The nurses pick up full trays every time, and they, along with the doctors and most of all, Coulson, express their concern.

 “I’m not hungry.” he insists every time, and gets more irritated with every attempt to talk about this.

 It must be a trick - Clint knows he fucked up, people died because of him. There is no reason he should eat - if he tries to take anything, things will get so much worse, and in his current state, he would be unable to defend himself. Better not risk it - he isn’t going to eat.

 At this point, Clint isn’t even half aware of how wrong this mindset is, and just how much damage was done to him over the years to believe all of those things. Another reason for this, that only occured recently: it is his way to stay in control over himself. No one can force him to eat, and no one can take it away from him.

 He is the one in control, even when he loses weight quicker than ever.

 Medical wants to keep him there, not because his injuries would demand it, but because he isn’t taking anything but liquids.

 Clint disagrees - he is fine, he insists, and takes the next opportunity to bolt when it presents itself.

 He hides out in his bathroom, doors locked, sitting on the cold tile floor and shaking apart.

 He is overwhelmed, anxious with guilt, nauseous from hunger and crying soundlessly out of sheer habit. It doesn't matter - there is no one around to watch him.

 Part of him is angry and disappointed with himself - being with SHIELD was the best chance he’s ever had, and he messed up after such a short amount of time. The aftermath sure doesn’t help, and all he wants is to get away. It might be less painful than being kicked out.

 He doesn’t know what to do, so Clint just keeps hiding until there is somebody at his front door,  knocking intently. He curses it, but eventually drags himself to the door and opens - he knows he can’t escape forever.

 To his surprise, he isn’t faced with an entire team of agents to be hauled away. The only person there is his handler, and Phil Coulson looks more worried than anything else. His frown only deepens when he sees Clint.

 To be fair, he really doesn’t look good at all. He’s lost a lot of weight, hasn’t slept and is holding onto sanity with his bare teeth at this point.

 “Hi Boss. You here to kick me out?” he rasps, and the look he gets in response is puzzled.

 “No, of course not. May I come in?”

 Clint steps aside, letting him in. He doesn’t look back while shuffling to the living room, and it is clear that his shoulder is still giving him trouble. Despite his best attempts to hide it, it is obvious to Phil, who is close behind him.

 Once they’re sitting down, Clint remains silent. He is fidgeting with the fabric of a throw blanket, waiting for Coulson to talk - if he isn’t here to kick him out of SHIELD, he really doesn’t know why he would bother to come.

 “To be honest, Barton, I’m not entirely sure what is happening. But something isn’t right, and I hope that we can find a solution.”

 It’s all he can do to nod. He is exhausted and besides, he doesn’t know what he could say, either.

 Coulson continues, “The last mission…” but Clint pales at the thought of it and he can’t stop himself from blurting out,

 “I’m sorry. I know I fucked up. Wasn’t fast enough... Six people died...“

 “You got hurt.” Phil replies, looking over to the couch where his asset is slowly shrinking into himself. Shit. He really must have underestimated this young man’s state of mind. Carefully, he continues.

 “None of this is your fault - did you think we would blame you for the outcome?”

 This seems to genuinely confuse him. “Uh - yes?”

 Slowly shaking his head, Phil replies,

 “No. Sometimes, things just go wrong and there is nothing we can do about it, except our best. You were injured, which you reported, and you still managed to save five other people. This is more than we could have hoped for. You did a good job out there, especially under the circumstances.”

 “...Right.” It doesn’t sound like Clint believes it. He doesn’t have a reason to - nothing he knows or lived through would have indicated that something like this wasn’t to be blamed on anyone - probably him.

 “I understand that this is hard. We have mental health professionals to help with that sort of thing, and I think it would be of benefit for you to talk to them.”

 Clint remains silent - he doesn’t trust them. He has talked to them, right after joining the organisation - it wasn’t a pleasant experience. Giving away any kind of personal information makes him want to crawl out of his skin and hide somewhere. People knowing details about him is a dangerous thing, and as much as they’d needled and pushed, Clint managed to keep quite a bit to himself still. He is ridiculously proud of that.

 Right now though, he is tired. So very tired.

 “I don’t trust them.” he confesses silently.

 Phil nods slowly. He figured as much, understands even - he, too, isn’t too keen on sharing certain issues. But it is a well needed support system that exists for good reason. This is what he says, surprising both himself and Barton with his words, but truth be told, this is everything but a professional conversation. He wants to help, not just because Clint is his asset - he cares, on a personal level. Phil cares for all agents, especially the ones assigned to him.

 But something in this young man in front of him brings out his protective streak. It doesn’t matter that Barton is well trained in armed and unarmed combat, amongst other skillsets. He is 22 years old and as far as Coulson can tell, he’s never had a single soul he could trust or rely on in his life and he is determined to change that.

 “Medical say they’re concerned about you coping. And so am I. Have been for a while, actually.”

 It is clear that Phil refers to their conversation in his office a little while back. Clint sighs heavily.

 “I’m not very good at it right now.”

 He is beyond exhausted at this point, or he wouldn’t have opened up at all. As sad as it may be, but his handler is the only person who hasn’t fucked him over yet. He really hopes it stays that way.

 “It’s just that, I’m used to things going certain ways.” Clint explains, rubbing a hand over his face. Then, he suddenly finds himself talking about the circus.

 He is talking about food and shelter constantly being held over his head and how he eventually started to take back control in the only way he knew how. He is talking about starving and binge eating on purpose at first, and later out of sheer habit. Clint talks about the way the latest mission specifically triggered all of this, and he is pathetically proud of himself for being able to keep his emotions in check the entire time. It’s hard, harder than usual - but he is sharing so much already. He can’t do more.

 Phil is listening to him without a word, careful to keep his face even. On the outside, he is calm and collected, but the more he listens, the more furious he gets. There is no other way to say it. Seething anger boils in him, directed at every single person responsible for years of abuse and mistreatment of a child who grew up to be a damaged adult, still doing his best and thinking it isn’t enough.

 For how long he is talking, Clint wouldn't be able to tell. But once he is done, the room is completely silent and he is staring at a stain on the table - it’s easier than facing the fact that he just told all of these things to another human being. As much as it scares him, it may be just the right thing to do.

 Staring ahead and keeping his breathing as calm as possible is all he can do for now. But maybe, some day, he might be ready to accept help.

*+~

Warnings:

- Past Child Abuse - Food issues - Eating Disorder - Starvation - Denied food as punishment - Food hoardig - Dealing with related past trauma, PTSD - Death, dying children (non-graphic) - Vomiting - Blood and injury, gun wounds

[fleckcmscott]

The Knot

Summary: Arthur and Y/N finally have the wedding they discussed on their sprint to City Hall.

Warnings: Swearing

Words: 4,238

A/N: This was requested by @sweet-nothings04​. It is the fluffiest thing I have ever written. Special thanks to @ithinkimawriter​ for the support and beta-reading!

If you have any thoughts or questions, please comment, feel free to message me, or send me an ask. Requests for Arthur and WWH are open!

The nightly routine Y/N had developed over the years was a simple one. Her barely-there foundation, neutral eye shadow, eyeliner, and light mascara would be washed away with soap and water. After changing into a nightgown, she'd brush her teeth and hair. Moisturizing cream would be dabbed on her forehead, cheeks, and chin. (A couple of thin lines had formed at the corners of her mouth, and she hoped to prevent more.) She'd crawl into bed beside Arthur, they'd talk and cuddle, then she'd kiss him good night and wait for sleep to take her. It was a relaxing end to the day that didn't require a lot of effort.

But this evening was not routine. What Patricia seemed to have planned for it put Y/N's habits to shame. Peeking into the mint green satchel she'd brought caused a grimace. It was possible the clay and honey cosmetic masks wouldn't be too bad. The toe separators and nail polish and pumice stones didn't interest her. And the floral, spray-in hair perfume was pungent. God. All this fuss prompted Y/N to pour the both of them the rest of the wine.

"This is too much for me." Y/N frowned in the bathroom mirror and examined the mud on her face. "How long do I need to keep this on?" she asked, the alcohol making her grumble.

"Ten minutes." Patricia set a timer and placed it on the sink. "And don't whine. This stuff is why no one knows I'm over fifty."

"And here I assumed it was your vibrant personality." After taking a sip from her glass, Y/N turned to the tub. There were about five inches of hot water in it, topped with pink foam that smelled like artificial roses. It reminded her of the dusty, scented candles her grandmother had kept in the bathroom, but never lit. Patricia sat on the edge, dipped her feet in and waved for Y/N to join her.

Patricia started scrubbing the ball of her foot. "Are you excited?"

Y/N made a thoughtful noise. When she and Arthur had gotten married at city hall a year ago, she hadn't needed a wedding - she'd needed to be married to him. He'd wished for one, though, and she'd promised him that. "The wedding I had before was stressful. I could go without it." A gentle smile came across her cheeks. "But I am for him." She sighed contently as she submerged her feet. "When we were filling out the invitations a month ago, he was so happy. He pasted one in his journal - he showed me the page - and put exclamation points all around it."

That wasn't all he'd done. Arthur had convinced her to practice a slow dance to one of his mood music records. It hadn't taken much effort for him to talk her into it. ("I've imagined this a lot," he'd told her.) She figured she'd gotten pretty good, having learned to let him lead her instead of trying to anticipate his steps. His generous encouragements and the pleasure in his eyes had helped.

Snorting, Patricia grabbed a nearby smoother and began working on her heel. "How did a hard-ass like you end up with a sweet man like him?"

"He thinks I'm sweet." Y/N shook her head, splashing around with her toes. "Don't tell him he's been had."

At the buzzing of the timer, Y/N sprung up and went to the sink. Getting the mask off was as annoying as she'd suspected. The packaging said to use a cloth, lukewarm water, and circular motions. But the clay was stubborn and didn't want to leave her face. Patricia apparently found it hilarious, laughing all the harder when Y/N looked at her with indignation. Three washrags and an empty glass of wine later, her skin was clear. Irritated, but clear.

Patricia gestured over her shoulder as she dried off. "There's a present for you in my bag. You said no gifts, but it's nothing. And I didn't want to give it to you in front of Robert and Matt tomorrow."

Intrigued, Y/N retrieved the bag from the floor and sat next to her on the tub's edge. Matt, Y/N's former boss, she could understand. But what would Patricia give her that she didn't want her own husband to see? It only took a little digging to find the box, slightly bigger than her hand, with a red ribbon around it. "You shouldn't have." She opened it and pulled out what was inside. Her best friend had given her a black, satin thong with side ties. She stared at it a moment, then burst out laughing. "It's so tiny," she exclaimed, the triangle front barely large enough to cover her palm. "I don't have the ass for this!"

Winking, Patricia nudged her upper arm. "It won't stay on long enough for Arthur to notice."

~~~~~

Meanwhile, Arthur was at a pub with a friend for the first time in his life. He'd been to comedy clubs plenty of times, and Y/N had introduced him to numerous restaurants. But his general lack of interest in drinking and absence of companionship had never made bars a desirable destination. It had been Gary's idea, though. And with his company, Arthur was part of the crowd instead of apart from it.

They were seated at a small booth near the kitchen, away from everyone. Their conversation was sparse. Despite his overall increase in comfort, Arthur still had a hard time with social situations. Granted, Y/N had told him he was steadily getting better at them. And now, with the effect of the Fuzzy Navel in his hand, he was doing all right. There had been no forced laughter (which only happened a few times a month), no bouncing of his legs, and no nail biting. He was proud of himself for that, especially given the hint of nervousness he felt.

Tomorrow was their big day. The wedding was going to be at their apartment. There would only be four guests: he'd made it clear Penny wasn't welcome, and the elderly woman Y/N had invited, Ms. McPhee, had declined with an apology and cookies, saying she was too ill to go anywhere. Dinner would be potluck style. Finally, he'd fucking have what he'd dreamed about for years. Although it was implied every time he touched Y/N, he'd get to vow, publicly, to stay with her forever. To take care of her, no matter their circumstances. To love her ceaselessly. And, he reflected, she'd promise to belong to him, too. He grinned around his cigarette as he smoked, looking into his drink, joy rushing through him at the thought.

Gary took a swig of his porter. "Are you looking forward to tomorrow?"

"Yes." Arthur answered without hesitation. "But I don't know why Y/N wanted me to spend the night out. We're already married."

"You can't sleep with the bride before the wedding. It's tradition."

Tradition. His chest tightened at that. Tradition hadn't meant anything most of this life, anything besides futile yearning. He couldn't remember if he'd been read to as a kid. Lost teeth probably ended up in the garbage. Holidays had always been too expensive to take part in, and with Penny's apathy and all the hours he'd worked, he hadn't had the energy to try. He was glad to be making up the deficit with Y/N. Still. This was an odd custom, and not really applicable to them. "But I've been sleeping with her for two years." Almost as soon as he spoke, he realized his double entendre. He brought a hand to his forehead. "Shit. Sorry, Gary."

A sly smile crossed Gary's face, but he didn't seem upset. Which made sense - filthy jokes and dirty tales often flew around the locker room at HaHa's. The shorter man reached into the breast pocket of his striped shirt, then held out a small package. "Here. I got this for you."

Curious, Arthur examined the cellophane enclosed carton. The teal box of NoDoz said it would keep him awake, was fast acting, and safe as coffee. And there was a sentence, written in a cursive font on the bottom edge: "Number 1 with Newlyweds!" Oh. Oh. He knew what they were for. Once in a while he'd come across The Honeymoon Game when flipping through channels. The tablets were often mentioned, along with comments about "being busy all night long." The burning in his cheeks only amplified his giggles as he tucked them in his pocket. "Thanks. For letting me stay over, too."

"You're welcome. It's just the sofa." Gary gave a shrug. "What time did you want to get back home?"

Arthur recalled the list of errands Y/N had helped him make. He had to stop at the flower stand near their place and get a white carnation for himself and a bunch for her. Garlic bread needed to be ordered at Marchetti's, to go with the lasagna Y/N was attempting. He wanted to give himself a good half hour to change, fix his hair, and practice saying what he'd written.

Gary agreed getting back to the apartment in the early afternoon would be fine. Arthur wasn't expecting his follow-up question. "How'd you know she was the one for you?"

Trying to hide the embarrassment behind his answer, he sipped his cocktail. "Gary, no other woman ever wanted to be with me."

"I'm sure that's not true," Gary replied. Arthur didn't move to correct him. Maybe he'd successfully hidden his prior failures from his former co-workers by simply not joining in when they all talked about women.

It took time to come up with a response. When he gave it, the words were quiet, his tone almost reverent. "She never acted like there was something wrong with me." The corner of his mouth quirked up as he tapped the ash off his cigarette. "No one else ever did that. Not even my mother." Realizing he may have insulted Gary, he backtracked quickly. "You- You were always nice."

Gary visibly brightened and waved at a waiter to order them both another round. Arthur sat back against the torn cushion of the booth, already slightly dizzy from the first one. It was going to a long, hopefully good, night.

~~~~~

The preparation for the 4:00 PM ceremony did not go as smoothly as planned. The dish Patricia brought, which she had wanted to keep a surprise, was macaroni and cheese. Y/N ran out and bought three salads from the deli so there'd be an option besides pasta. She'd made a small tear in the hem of her light blue wedding dress, one she'd picked up at a consignment shop, when she'd gotten caught on a doorway. And Arthur insisted on not seeing her in her dress beforehand, so she spent most of the time cooped up in the bathroom. She could hear Arthur's hushed tones as he paced the living room and spoke to Gary ("I'm gonna fuck up. What if I start laughing?"), and Gary trying to reassure him ("Arthur, just read it.").

But those snags were nothing compared to the issues at her first wedding. The flowers had never arrived. The cake topper had fallen, splitting the groom's head in half and breaking off the bride's arm. And, about halfway through it, she'd realized she was making a mistake. Presently, standing in front of the mirror while she fiddled with her high, split neckline and waited for Patricia to get her, she knew she hadn't erred. Doubt never entered her mind when it came to Arthur - only love, happiness, and gratitude.

When the door opened, Y/N ran her palm along the embroidered lace of the dress's bodice, smoothed the chiffon of the full-length, A-Line skirt, pulled at the wrists of the long, translucent sleeves, and took a deep breath. Her heart quickened when the faint notes of Arthur's favorite, sentimental Jackie Gleason Orchestra LP reached her ears. She stepped out. All the furniture had been pushed up against the walls, leaving space in the middle of the room. Their four friends stood there expectantly. Then she looked at Arthur, and the excitement she'd told Patricia she felt for him suddenly became her own.

He'd slicked back his hair, the way he always did when he was trying to be formal, curls loose around his ears. The white button-up he was wearing was a tad large around the shoulders. But the likely second-hand black vest and trousers he wore fit perfectly. The carnation in the waistcoat's breast pocket was a nice addition. He was wearing his red and yellow tie, still the only one he owned, in spite of it being part of his Carnival outfit.  As she approached him steadily, she studied his face. The affection in his soft expression caused her breath to hitch, as did the drawing together of his dark brow as he admired her. She giggled, hoping he liked the nontraditional dress.

There was no need for the question, however. As soon as their hands met, he clutched hers and smiled. The autumn sun, which was already halfway down the sky, brought out the deep chestnut undertones of his brown waves. And the clear green of his irises glistened beautifully in the bright light. If it would have been acceptable, she would have kissed him on the spot. Instead, she settled for mouthing, "You're gorgeous." The blush that resulted, the way he lowered his head as he grinned happily, and his silent, "You, too," made her stomach flutter.

Listening to what the yellow-pages officiant said was nigh impossible. And from the expression on Arthur's face, he couldn't concentrate, either. But they managed to get through the basic vows, those same, time-honored words spoken at nearly every wedding she'd attended. (Except for "worshiping" and "obeying" - she'd insisted those parts be removed, explaining they were equals.) They'd each come up with their own short pieces, too, and at his insistence, she went first. "I didn't come to Gotham to find love. I just wanted to leave everything behind. Then I met you. You made getting remarried the easier decision I've ever made."

What Arthur said in return, reading softly but clearly from a worn piece of paper, had her beat. "People think I'm weird. But you don't." His Adam's apple bobbed and a slight tremor entered his voice. "You're my one and only person that can understand me." His rasp turned into a hiccup at the end, and he sniffled and scoffed while he tucked his notes away. The clench of her throat was immediate, and she threw her arms around him, not waiting for the words "you may kiss the bride" before joining their lips.

~~~~~~

​​​A wedding day was supposed to be special. Out of the ordinary. Exceptional. Anything but regular. But Arthur couldn't remember the last time he had felt normal for as many hours in a row as he did today. The flash of a pocket-camera when he'd cupped Y/N's face and kissed her after she'd lunged at him. Their short dance, with the shallow dip they'd practiced and her stepping on his foot only once or twice. The gentle "I love you" he'd murmured against her lips. The acceptance of her friends when they congratulated them both. All of these extraordinary moments coalesced into a warm, tender, soothing ache that, in spite of his doubts, confirmed he was a real person, worthy and capable of love.

The glass door opened behind him, and, expecting Y/N to drag him back inside, he flicked his cigarette away. But upon turning he saw Patricia, drink in her hand. They'd spoken briefly a few times since initially meeting a couple years ago. Arthur didn't yet have a clear impression of her. Y/N and she were close, he knew, and they often met for lunch. And Patricia had helped her try to stop the Wayne Foundation case from going forward. Observing the older woman, he noted the gray scattered throughout her hair, the lines on her face that were less prominent than his own, the minimal rouge on her cheeks. She reminded him of Penny before her health had declined. Before everything had changed.

"Could I have a cigarette?" she asked, indicating the pack he was holding.

He blinked at her. "Sure."

She stepped to him as he retrieved one for her. After she plucked it from him and placed it between her lips, she took his lighter. "Y/N doesn't know. Keep it that way. You may not have picked up on it yet, but she can be bossy."

Chuckling, he cocked his head. Y/N had warned him about her bossiness early on, but it wasn't as bad as she'd claimed. Sure, she was assertive about certain things. But smoking was the only thing she was overly pushy about. The reason for her nagging prevented it from being more than a minor annoyance, though: she wanted them to spend a hundred years together, she'd said, instead of him dying prematurely of lung cancer. Blunt to a fault, as usual, with an inkling of sweetness underneath.

"Y/N was crazy about you from the start," Patricia said, pulling him out of his musings.

A glow blossomed in his chest and he dropped his gaze bashfully. "She talked about me?"

She smirked up at him, as if she was about to reveal a secret. "She gave me a note with hearts and exclamation points on it after you slept together."

Eyes widening, he turned back towards the street and focused on a manhole cover. It shouldn't have surprised him - he'd spoken with Gary about Y/N - but it did. And meant the world to him. But he was beginning to wonder what else she'd disclosed. Christ, was Patricia aware he'd been inexperienced? Had Y/N said he'd done a good job? Had she...Could she have talked about his body, the way the men at HaHa's described the women they were seeing? Those notions were laughable, he tried to tell himself, and attempted to push through them amid his growing discomfort.

Patricia gave his forearm a maternal pat, allaying his unease. "It was because you were gentle with her." He watched her angle her body towards the window and peer inside, and he followed her gaze. Y/N was pointing at a spot in the living room for the folding table they'd rented, along with six chairs. "She's gritty - she's been through a lot. I'm glad she has you to let go with."

Nodding slowly, Arthur understood. He was a good partner, a good husband to Y/N. And it wasn't only the woman he loved more than his own life saying it - it was her closest friend, her confidante. Intermittently, his conditions made it difficult, particularly on those days when he needed repeated validation, or the fury he carried deep within him threatened to bubble up. (Though it had gotten better with treatment, the stability his life now had, and Y/N's support.) Patricia recognized that he was trying and believed he was doing well. Accomplishment wasn't a sensation he often experienced, but the foreign sensation creeping into him must have been it. "Thanks," he said, clearing his throat. "I love her a lot, too."

They went inside and put up the chairs and set the table. There wasn't a table cloth, but Y/N had taken out their "good plates," with gold filigree on the rims. One of their cotton napkins went missing, so Y/N put a paper towel under her cutlery. After he lit the two cream taper candles he'd found in a drawer, everything looked perfect.

The food and drink were something else. The only macaroni and cheese Arthur had ever had come out of a box. Patricia's tasted savory rather than salty, but he wasn't sure if he liked the tomatoes it had in it. Although the pasta was too soft, Y/N's lasagna was good, if a bit heavy on the sauce. The garlic bread helped with that. The salad was mostly ignored; he only ate the small serving she stuck on his plate. The scotch Gary brought was passed between himself, Matt, and Robert. Arthur did try a sip, but it was exceedingly strong and stole his breath. He decided to stick with wine.

As the evening went on, Arthur grew pleasantly warm and drowsy. Y/N and Patricia had taken over most of the banter, guffawing and being mildly foolish. Matt had brought a chocolate sheet cake for twenty-four instead of six, and Y/N had to hold her stomach to quiet her tipsy laughter when it was sliced. Arthur's hand crept to her thigh and squeezed lovingly, his eyes locked on her with adoration. The depth of his feelings, his keen awareness of her, her presence at his side, was drowning out the rest of the room. It didn't take long for her to turn to him and mouth, "Let's say good night."

Y/N sent everyone home with leftovers and a hug, and forced Matt to take most of the cake with him. Gary gave Arthur a wink and a nod as he left, and Arthur snorted as he shook his head and shut the door. Propping himself against it, he sighed, trying to clear the fuzziness from his head. She came up behind him and kissed his shoulder. "Patricia's going to have the photos developed in triplicate and give us the negatives."

He twisted to face her and put his arm around her shoulders, slightly dizzy. "Does that mean we'll get copies?"

Giggling, she pressed into him and nuzzled his cheek. "Yes. We'll get three copies." She looked up at him as she leaned back. The ardor in her gaze made his pulse skip a beat. Then she lead him to the bedroom without preamble, blowing out the candles on the way.

He'd read and seen enough to recognize what was expected of him. This was their wedding night. It was when the music would swell and the screen dissolved to black in the old movies he would watch. He was supposed to take charge and make love to her. And he wanted to. Truly. But he'd eaten more than he usually did in two days. That combined with only having slept a couple of hours the previous night, anticipation having kept him awake on Gary's couch, lead to the tiredness he now felt.

Her hands were everywhere, though, roaming his back as their mouths melded together. Arthur slid his tongue between her lips, and he could taste the wine they'd toasted with and spent the rest of the night drinking. Breathing raggedly, he swallowed her moan and held the nape of her neck. When she presented her back to him, he paused before caressing the lace on the back panels of her dress. He took the dainty zipper between his thumb and forefinger and slowly pulled it down. The intimacy of what was happening, of Arthur Fleck unfastening the dress of his bride, made him shudder. Once the bodice was completely undone, he pushed his forehead to her and kissed the soft skin at the top of her back.

The dress fell slowly, catching on her breasts and hips as she brought it down. When she turned to him, his brows lifted. She was wearing the smallest pair of black panties he had ever seen. They barely covered her sex. He huffed. "Where did these come from?"

A grin broke out across her cheeks. "Patricia was convinced you'd love them."

Smirking, he gave a little nod. "I do." They were tied at her waist. If he just pulled the string, she'd be revealed to him. "You're so pretty." His fingers teased a bow, trying to will himself to perform. But he wasn't feeling it. "Um." He chuckled sadly, knowing he was about to disappoint her. "I ate too much. And I think I'm drunk. I'm sorry." He winced and looked away from her.

Y/N stared at him, then laughed throatily and squeezed him close. "Oh, thank god. Me, too. It's been a busy day."

His grasp on her tightened. "But a good one?"

"A wonderful one." She pecked his mouth and moved towards the bed, not bothering to take off her bra before slipping beneath the blankets. "You can untie me in the morning."

As Arthur undressed, he folded each piece of clothing and placed it on top of the vanity. He'd take care of it whenever they got up. By the time he sat on the bed in his briefs to take off his socks, Y/N's breathing had slowed to a steady rhythm. Sleep always seemed to come easily to her. Carefully, he got in beside her and stroked her hair back. Not wanting to wake her but needing to touch her, he kissed her brow bone faintly, gliding his fingers along her cheek. Then he ran his hand down her side and teased the string on her hip, loosening the knot until he could whisper his fingertips over her without obstruction. She mumbled quietly but didn't stir.

Smiling, he breathed against her temple. "I hadn't been happy one minute of my entire fucking life before you." He sniffled and swiped at his nose, sighing contentedly. "Sometimes I am now. Like today." He rested his head next to hers on the pillow, his arm going around her waist to tuck her back against him. "Thanks, Y/N Fleck."

~~~~~

Tag list (Let me know if you want to be added!): @harmonioussolve​ @ithinkimaperson​ @sweet-nothings04​ @stephieraptorr​ @rommies​ @fallenstarsabyss​ @gruffle1​ @octopus-plasma​ @tsukiakarinobara​

[f1chronicle]

Best Formula 1 Books

When you’re looking for the best Formula 1 books to buy and read, one of the biggest problems you come across is that all the reviews are the same – copied and pasted from Amazon. Also, how do you know if the books you like are what the reviewer likes?

The Formula 1 books below have been read by me, not just copied and pasted from other listings. I like books that share stories, that get into the emotion of the subject and leave you feeling something. I’m not a facts and figures guys, so a book full of dates, cold facts, and specifications will have me putting the book back on the shelf half-read.

I like my books like I like my F1 – fast-paced and dramatic.

So if you’re like me, the below Formula 1 books will be for you…

The Best Formula 1 Books

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Life to the Limit: My Autobiography by Jenson Button

This is actually my favourite Formula 1 book, which is why it is at the top of the list. When you read it, you can’t help but have the voice of Jenson Button in your head, which makes his jokes funnier (and this is a very funny book). While there is a lot of humour, often self-deprecating, the tone definitely takes a turn and you can’t help but be moved when Jenson talks about losing his father.

Some of the chapters are super short too, as in a handful of pages, so if you’re someone who likes to read before bed and has to finish at the end of a chapter, this book will make sure you get to bed at a reasonable hour.

Read my full review on Life to the Limit: My Autobiography by Jenson Button

Jenson Button: Life to the Limit: My Autobiography

Amazon Kindle Edition

Button, Jenson (Author)

English (Publication Language)

361 Pages - 10/19/2017 (Publication Date) - Blink Publishing (Publisher)

$7.49

Buy on Amazon

Senna versus Prost

Before I read Jenson’s book, Senna versus Prost was my favourite.

Malcolm Folley has done a cracking job of creating a space for people to share their stories of Ayrton Senna and Alain Prost in a way that instantly transports the reader back to those great battles of the 80s and 90s.

What’s even better is Folley speaks with a lot of team personnel, people in the background who we’ve not really heard of, and lets us know what it was really like to be on the ground as the battles took place out on the track.

So much has been made of Ayrton Senna over the years, that Prost’s version of events was somewhat overlooked – until now. And although he could have used the book as an opportunity to lay the boots into his rival, Prost does a brilliant job of relaying events as he saw them.

Le Professeur off the track as well as on it.

Read my full review on Senna versus Prost

Sale

Senna Versus Prost: The Story of the Most Deadly Rivalry in Formula One

Arrow Books

Folley, Malcolm (Author)

English (Publication Language)

410 Pages - 05/26/2010 (Publication Date) - Random House UK (Publisher)

$16.49

Buy on Amazon

Murray Walker: Unless I’m Very Much Mistaken

Murray Walker is the voice of Formula 1. He has one of those voices that make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up when you’re watching an old race and his enthusiasm for F1 jumps through the speakers.

Some artists use paints, some use pencils, Murray Walker used a microphone.

Walker is a quintessential storyteller, so once again this is a book that you will most likely read in his voice. He tells vivid stories about growing up, his time in the war, all the way through to the Murray Walker we know from our TV screens commentating on Formula 1.

Known for the odd gaff in the commentary box, Walker isn’t shy about having a laugh with it, and understands it helped endear him to fans over the years.

Unless I’m very much mistaken, this is a must-read book that you will thoroughly enjoy.

Unless I'm Very Much Mistaken: My Autobiography by Murray Walker (2003-06-01)

Walker, Murray (Author)

06/02/2003 (Publication Date) - Willow (Publisher)

$25.32

Buy on Amazon

Niki Lauda – The Biography

If a book about a man who had a horrific crash at the wheel of a Formula 1 racing car, was given the last rights, then was back on the grid a month later doesn’t move you, then nothing will.

Niki Lauda was a man of little fuss or sentiment, and Maurice Hamilton has written this book in much the same vein. Starting from Lauda’s early days growing up in a proper family who felt motor racing was beneath their station, to his racing years, to flying, and much more.

If there is to be one criticism of this book, it’s that it doesn’t go into a great deal of detail on his time with Mercedes. However, the vivid recollections of his racing days from people who witnessed it definitely make up for this.

Niki Lauda

Hardcover Book

English (Publication Language)

Simon & Schuster UK (Publisher)

$19.06

Buy on Amazon

The Unknown Kimi Räikkönen

The Unknown Kimi Räikkönen gives great insights into Kimi’s path to F1, his upbringing, and now the importance of time with his growing family.

If you’re looking for a book of anecdotes from Kimi’s time in the paddock, this book isn’t it.

But if you want to learn more about Kimi’s path to F1, his motivation for quitting the sport, and his motivation for coming back to it.

The photos he shares are excellent too.

Read my full review on The Unknown Kimi Räikkönen

The Unknown Kimi Raikkonen

Hotakainen, Kari (Author)

English (Publication Language)

336 Pages - 08/22/2019 (Publication Date) - Simon & Schuster UK (Publisher)

$13.25

Buy on Amazon

Aussie Grit: My Formula One Journey

This is one that most Australian’s will love, as the Aussie legend shares anecdotes or ‘yarns’ from his time in F1 racing against some of the best drivers on the planet.

Those who remember the ‘Multi 21’ saga and breakdown in the relationship with Sebastian Vettel will like this book, as Webber gives his version of the events that unfolded in front of our eyes on race days.

A highlight of this book is Webber walking us through his personal struggles, as it’s not something often associated with the stoic Australian. This book is brutally honest in parts, and will give you a deeper appreciation of the man, not just the driver.

Aussie Grit: My Formula One Journey

PAN

Webber, Mark (Author)

English (Publication Language)

320 Pages - 09/28/2016 (Publication Date) - Macmillan UK (Publisher)

$16.30

Buy on Amazon

The Mechanic: The Secret World of the F1 Pitlane

Marc ‘Elvis’ Priestley was one the number one mechanic at McLaren, who as well as this book has an incredible YouTube channel where he shares his insights and analysis of Formula 1 regularly.

Simply put, his book needs to be on the bookshelf of every Formula 1 fan, it’s that good.

I’ll admit I’d never really thought about the pit crew. We see them for a few seconds each race, maybe more if something dramatic happens to one of their drivers.

This book takes us well and truly behind the scenes, into the life of partying and fast-living away from the track.

Priestley also shares a lot of secrets about the rivalries he was part of during his time in F1, which may make him a little unpopular with a few people…

Sale

The Mechanic: The Secret World of the F1 Pitlane

Priestley, Marc 'Elvis' (Author)

English (Publication Language)

256 Pages - 11/01/2018 (Publication Date) - Yellow Jersey (Publisher)

$8.49

Buy on Amazon

Chequered Conflict: The Inside Story on Two Explosive F1 World Championships

You could be forgiven for thinking this book by Maurice Hamilton is the work of a family member of Lewis Hamilton, but it’s not. Maurice Hamilton is the author of amazing F1 history books on the likes of James Hunt, Niki Lauda, Jackie Stewart, Frank Williams, and more.

Grand Prix racing in 2007 and 2008 was an explosive affair between Ferrari and McLaren, and this book captures all the drama perfectly.

2007 was the first time since 1986 that three drivers had a chance of winning the title going into the final race, and this book puts you back on the edge of your seat again as you re-live this piece of F1 history.

Chequered Conflict: The Inside Story on Two Explosive F1 World Championships

Amazon Kindle Edition

Hamilton, Maurice (Author)

English (Publication Language)

320 Pages - 09/04/2008 (Publication Date) - Simon & Schuster UK (Publisher)

$16.99

Buy on Amazon

The Mechanic’s Tale

This book by Steve Matchett is quite different to The Mechanic: The Secret World of the F1 Pitlane in that it is more about the author’s life, from trying desperately to break into the world of Formula 1. Although he’s not a racing driver, the struggles he faced are on par with some of the drivers mentioned in the books above.

Steve Matchett also shares a lot of his own eye-witness accounts of some of the greats such as Nigel Mansell, Ayrton Senna, and Michael Schumacher. Plus there is a lot on his time with Benetton which is great reading.

The Mechanic's Tale

Matchett, Steve (Author)

English (Publication Language)

240 Pages - 02/03/2000 (Publication Date) - Orion (Publisher)

$13.19

Buy on Amazon

Flat Out Flat Broke: The Original Stig

When you think of Formula 1, names like Lewis Hamilton, Ayrton Senna, Michael Schumacher, Damon Hill and Jackie Stewart come to mind straight away, but what about Perry McCarthy? No? Didn’t think so.

McCarthy spent the 1992 Formula 1 season ‘racing’ for the Andrea Moda Formula team, but unfortunately, never qualified for a Grand Prix.

That hasn’t stopped him from writing a hilarious autobiography that has already become a motorsport best seller.

While he didn’t have much luck in F1, or in a lot of other things, McCarthy bounced back to become the first ‘Stig’ on TopGear.

If you want to share a story with someone you care about that will inspire them to chase their dreams and never give up, then this is the one to give them. They don’t even need to be a Formula 1 fan to enjoy this one.

Sale

Flat Out, Flat Broke 3rd Edition: The Original Stig

McCarthy, Perry (Author)

English (Publication Language)

256 Pages - 05/01/2013 (Publication Date) - Haynes Publishing (Publisher)

$11.95

Buy on Amazon

Bestselling Formula 1 Books

Below you will find a list of bestselling Formula 1 books, many of which you would have seen listed above.

As I purchase and read more from the below list, I will add them to our Formula 1 Reviews section.

SaleBestseller No. 1

Formula One: The Champions: 70 years of legendary F1 drivers

Hardcover Book

Hamilton, Maurice (Author)

English (Publication Language)

240 Pages - 03/03/2020 (Publication Date) - White Lion Publishing (Publisher)

$28.49

Buy on Amazon

SaleBestseller No. 2

Formula One 2020

Jones, Bruce (Author)

English (Publication Language)

128 Pages - 05/12/2020 (Publication Date) - Welbeck (Publisher)

$17.99

Buy on Amazon

SaleBestseller No. 3

Formula One: The Pursuit of Speed: A Photographic Celebration of F1's Greatest Moments

Hardcover Book

Hamilton, Maurice (Author)

English (Publication Language)

272 Pages - 09/14/2017 (Publication Date) - Aurum Press (Publisher)

$27.49

Buy on Amazon

Bestseller No. 4

The Fastest Show on Earth: The Mammoth Book of Formula One™

Chicane (Author)

English (Publication Language)

416 Pages - 06/11/2019 (Publication Date) - Robinson (Publisher)

$19.99

Buy on Amazon

SaleBestseller No. 5

F1 Mavericks: The Men and Machines that Revolutionized Formula 1 Racing

Hardcover Book

Biro, Pete (Author)

English (Publication Language)

240 Pages - 08/06/2019 (Publication Date) - Motorbooks (Publisher)

$33.04

Buy on Amazon

Bestseller No. 6

Formula 1: The Official History

Hardcover Book

The Hague, Maurice (Author)

English (Publication Language)

272 Pages - 10/20/2020 (Publication Date) - Welbeck Publishing (Publisher)

$33.96

Buy on Amazon

SaleBestseller No. 7

Speed Read F1: The Technology, Rules, History and Concepts Key to the Sport (Speed Read (1))

Codling, Stuart (Author)

English (Publication Language)

160 Pages - 10/10/2017 (Publication Date) - Motorbooks (Publisher)

$15.77

Buy on Amazon

SaleBestseller No. 8

Formula 1 2019: Technical Insights (Preview 2020)

Filisetti, Paolo (Author)

English (Publication Language)

192 Pages - 12/01/2020 (Publication Date) - Giorgio Nada Editore Srl (Publisher)

$68.26

Buy on Amazon

Bestseller No. 9

Formula One Circuits from Above: 28 Legendary Tracks in High-Definition Satellite Photography

Hardcover Book

Jones, Bruce (Author)

English (Publication Language)

224 Pages - 09/03/2019 (Publication Date) - Carlton Books (Publisher)

$76.91

Buy on Amazon

Bestseller No. 10

How To Build A Car

Hardcover Book

Newey, Adrian (Author)

English (Publication Language)

09/16/2020 (Publication Date) - Harper Collins (Publisher)

$29.43

Buy on Amazon

Bestseller No. 11

Formula One Circuits From Above: 28 Legendary Tracks in High-Definition Satellite Photography

Hardcover Book

Jones, Bruce (Author)

English (Publication Language)

224 Pages - 10/06/2020 (Publication Date) - Welbeck Publishing (Publisher)

$34.95

Buy on Amazon

SaleBestseller No. 12

Formula 1 Technical Analysis 2016-2018 (Formula 1 World Championship Yearbook)

Hardcover Book

Piola, Giorgio (Author)

English (Publication Language)

208 Pages - 09/03/2019 (Publication Date) - Giorgio Nada Editore Srl (Publisher)

$52.11

Buy on Amazon

Bestseller No. 13

The Mechanic's Tale

Matchett, Steve (Author)

English (Publication Language)

240 Pages - 02/03/2000 (Publication Date) - Orion (Publisher)

$13.19

Buy on Amazon

Bestseller No. 14

The Unknown Kimi Raikkonen

Hotakainen, Kari (Author)

English (Publication Language)

336 Pages - 08/22/2019 (Publication Date) - Simon & Schuster UK (Publisher)

$13.25

Buy on Amazon

SaleBestseller No. 15

Monaco: Inside F1's Greatest Race

Folley, Malcolm (Author)

English (Publication Language)

320 Pages - 08/01/2018 (Publication Date) - Random House UK (Publisher)

$9.47

Buy on Amazon

Bestseller No. 16

How Do Formula One Race Cars Work? (Lightning Bolt Books ® ― How Vehicles Work)

Silverman, Buffy (Author)

English (Publication Language)

32 Pages - 01/01/2016 (Publication Date) - LernerClassroom (Publisher)

$8.99

Buy on Amazon

SaleBestseller No. 17

Formula 1: Car by Car 1950-59: 1950-59 (Formula 1 CBC)

Hardcover Book

Higham, Peter (Author)

English (Publication Language)

304 Pages - 07/14/2020 (Publication Date) - Evro Publishing Limited (Publisher)

$52.96

Buy on Amazon

SaleBestseller No. 18

Senna Versus Prost: The Story of the Most Deadly Rivalry in Formula One

Arrow Books

Folley, Malcolm (Author)

English (Publication Language)

410 Pages - 05/26/2010 (Publication Date) - Random House UK (Publisher)

$16.49

Buy on Amazon

SaleBestseller No. 19

Formula 1: Car by Car 1970-79: Formula 1: Car by Car (Formula 1 CBC)

Hardcover Book

Higham, Peter (Author)

English (Publication Language)

304 Pages - 03/20/2018 (Publication Date) - Evro Publishing Limited (Publisher)

$58.24

Buy on Amazon

Bestseller No. 20

Self-Discipline: 4 Books in 1: To do List Formula, Stop Procrastinating, Stop Overthinking,Stoicism. How to Build your Self-Confidence, Improve your Time Management and your Emotional Intelligence

Amazon Kindle Edition

Trust, Stephen (Author)

English (Publication Language)

417 Pages - 07/20/2020 (Publication Date)

$9.99

Buy on Amazon

from WordPress https://ift.tt/3mpK5u6 via IFTTT

[wheresanne]

Things I’ve Learned in Korea: Healing Time (힐링타임)

As an American abroad, I’ve had the chance to learn many things from traveling Asia, working as a teacher, and living in South Korea. In this new column series “Things I’ve Learned in Korea,” I will reflect and share with you some of my musings, observations, and life lessons that I have learned. 

“Hi class, what did you do this past weekend?” I asked my students.

“I had healing time!” one of my Korean students replied.

What is Healing Time (힐링타임)? 

As a culture with high stresses, pressures, long work or study hours, South Koreans often try to find time for healing time. Healing time is a dedicated time to go for a walk in a park, go for a hike or be in nature.

If you didn’t already know, it often happens when Koreans say an English word and misunderstand or spin its actual meaning — this is called Konglish. In the English language, we know that the word “heal” means “the state of being free from illness or injury.” However in the Korean language, I would say that “healing” means “to relax and refresh our mind and body from working hard.”

To my understanding, 힐링타임 means taking care of your mind and body: working out, getting enough rest, drinking water, eating well, having ice cream, playing sports, taking photos of nature, hiking, spoiling myself a new shirt or a fresh haircut, riding my bicycle, listening to music. It’s usually in a peaceful environment, such as nature.

These days maybe 힐링타임 is the latest American trend of “self-care” or “treat yo’ self” or even my mother’s version of “me time.” It is supposed to be a time and place in your schedule for you just to spend time away from work and away from stress. Just relax. It’s time to take care of your physical health, your skin, mental health, and take a rest.

I often reflect on differences and similarities between Korean culture and American culture.

We can see examples of 힐링타임 through Korean dramas, Korean skincare, PC gaming rooms, shopping, eating out in restaurants with friends, or going for walks outside of Korean homes or work offices. These are some examples of when Koreans may take time for their body and mind.

I think currently the new generation trend is for American university students to brag about pulling all-nighters and talking about how hard we hustle. It is called hustle culture; and I’m guilty of this, too. We want to be successful. We want to be humble but we also want people to know that we work hard. For me and my colleagues, we are in our 20s when we are learning about ourselves and learning to love ourselves. We are also making time for self-love and self-care.

As BTS Korean pop boyband says, it’s important to love yourself.

Experiencing 힐링타임 in South Korea

In South Korea, I think I have understood why many members of the older generations enjoy hiking at their local mountains or the National Parks. I’ve also encountered many Korean bicyclists who are passionate about biking throughout the nature sides of Korea. These are examples of “healing time.”

“Where did you have healing time?” I asked my student.

She replied it was at Suncheon National Bay Gardens, located an hour south of Gwangju city in Jeollanam-do province.

Suncheon National Bay Gardens (순천만습지) is another spot for couples, families, or friends to go and enjoy nature. I have visited this beautiful national garden and wetland, and then I was able to understand the meaning of healing time in South Korea.

If you have any comments or questions about this post or South Korea, feel free to contact me! Thanks for reading! 🙂

What are some ways you spend your 힐링타임?

Have you been to Suncheon Bay Gardens before?

What’s your favorite healing spot in Korea?

Share this post for later! Pin it to Pinterest.

Watch my travel video of Healing Time 힐링타임 in Suncheon National Bay Gardens on Where’s Anne YouTube channel:

[newstechreviews]

In a slightly different world, Fargo season 4 might never have happened. After the FX anthology drama ended its third season, creator Noah Hawley admitted that he didn’t have an idea for a follow-up. And, he figured, “the only reason to do another Fargo is if the creative is there.” So, if there was to be a sequel, Hawley estimated it would take three years. That was in June 2017.

Thirty-nine months later (it would have been 34 had COVID not temporarily halted production), the show has reemerged with a story whose timeliness is obvious. It marks a significant departure from the earliest seasons of Fargo, which pitted good and evil archetypes against each other in arch, violent crime capers that ultimately erred on the side of optimism. Season 3 flirted with topicality, from an opening scene that hinged on Soviet kompromat to a hauntingly inconclusive final showdown between the latest iterations of pure good—represented by Carrie Coon’s embattled police chief Gloria Burgle—and primordial evil (David Thewlis’ terrifying V.M. Varga). Five months into Donald Trump’s presidency, that ending simultaneously reflected many Americans’ fears for the future and suggested that the battle for the human soul would be an eternal one. You can imagine why Hawley might have considered it a hard act to follow.

Instead of trying to top the high-flown allegory of its predecessor, the fascinating but uneven new episodes tackle conflicts of a more earthly nature: race, structural inequality, American identity. To that end, Fargo season 4 ventures farther south and deeper into history than it has gone before, to Kansas City, Mo. in 1950. For half a century, ethnic gangs have battled over the midsize metropolis. The Irish took out the Jews. The Italians took out the Irish. Finally, just a few years after a brutal World War in which fascist Italy numbered among the United States’ enemies, the Great Migration has brought the descendants of slaves north to this Midwestern city whose complicity in American racism dates back to the Missouri Compromise.

This upstart syndicate is led by one Loy Cannon (Chris Rock in a rare dramatic role), a brilliant, self-possessed power broker who doesn’t relish violence but is determined to exact reparations from this country, on behalf of his beloved family, by any means necessary. Loy’s deputy and closest friend is a learned older man by the name of Doctor Senator (the great Glynn Turman, all quiet dignity). In an early episode, the two men walk into a bank to pitch its white owner on an idea they’ve been testing out through less-than-legal means in the Black community: credit cards. (“Every average Joe wants one thing: to seem rich,” Loy explains to the banker.) He turns them down, of course, convinced that his clientele would have no interest in purchasing things they couldn’t afford. We’re left wondering how the ensuing saga might’ve been different if Loy and Doctor Senator had been allowed to channel their considerable intelligence into a legit business.

Elizabeth Morris/FXSalvatore Esposito and Jason Schwartzman in ‘Fargo’

The Italians, meanwhile, are starting to enjoy the rewards of their newfound whiteness—a largely invisible transformation marked in The Godfather by Michael Corleone’s relationship with naive WASP Kay Adams. (In keeping with previous seasons’ allusive style, Fargo often playfully evokes Francis Ford Coppola’s trilogy.) In the wake of their capo father Donatello’s (Tommaso Ragno) death, two brothers battle for control of the Fadda clan—a crime family that has Italian-accented patriarchalism written into its very name. Crafty, spoiled, crypto-corporate Josto (Jason Schwartzman, doing a scrappier, cannier take on his Louis XVI character in Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette) has long been Donatello’s right hand. But his younger brother Gaetano (Salvatore Esposito, imported from Sky Italia’s acclaimed organized-crime drama Gomorrah), a brawny brute who came up in Sardinia busting heads for Mussolini, stands between Josto and the consolidation of power.

Generations-old tradition dictates that if two syndicates are to share turf in Kansas City, their leaders must raise each other’s sons. These exchanges are supposed to be a sort of insurance policy against betrayal; never mind that they never work out as planned. So Loy very reluctantly trades his scion Satchel (Rodney Jones) for Donatello’s youngest (Jameson Braccioforte). The boy finds a protector in the Faddas’ solemn older ward, Patrick “The Rabbi” Milligan (Ben Whishaw, humane as always), who double-crossed his own Irish family in an earlier transaction.

Ethelrida Pearl Smutny (E’myri Crutchfield from History’s 2016 Roots remake) is the show’s other innocent youth, a bright and insightful Black teenager whose parents (Anji White and indie rocker Andrew Bird) own the poignantly named King of Tears funeral home. Every Fargo season needs a personification of goodness, and in this one it’s Ethelrida. Not that her virtuousness makes her life any easier. In a voiceover montage that opens the season premiere, she tells us that she learned early on that, as far as white authority figures were concerned, “the only thing worse than a disreputable Negro was an upstanding one.” Her inscrutable foil is Oraetta Mayflower (Jessie Buckley), a white nurse neighbor whose patients tend to die before they can experience too much pain. Oraetta’s quaint Minnesota accent (another Fargo staple) belies the racist views she politely but unapologetically espouses; she seems fixated on making Ethelrida her maid.

Elizabeth Morris/FXE’myri Crutchfield in ‘Fargo’

It’s fitting that Oraetta is both the most tangible link to Fargo’s home turf and the first character who ties together the mobster’s story with that of the Smutny family. As her loaded last name suggests, she seems to embody a particular form of evil that has been a constant in American life since the colonial period: white supremacy. Oraetta harms, kills and plunders with minimal consequences. No wonder she has eyes for Josto, the first Fadda who knows how to wield his white identity, building alliances with government and law enforcement that would be impossible for the Cannon syndicate. (Josto’s version of Kay Adams is the homely daughter of a politician.) “I can take all the money and pussy I want and still run for President,” he boasts at one point.

The reference to our current President’s briefly scandalous Access Hollywood tape is so flagrant as to elicit an involuntary groan. It’s lines like this that expose the limitations of Hawley’s attempt to fuse the topical and the elemental. Fargo still creates an absorbing, cinematic viewing experience, with painterly framing, pointedly deployed split-screen and arcane yet evocative needle drops. A not-at-all-gratuitous black-and-white episode could almost stand on its own as a movie. And, as in past seasons, the show gives us many remarkable performances: Rock may seem an odd pick for a gangster role, but the same shrewdness and indignation that fuel his stand-up persona also simmer beneath Loy’s measured surface. The pain Whishaw’s character carries around in his body goes far beyond what can be conveyed in dialogue. Bird broke my heart as a meek, loving dad. But in his eagerness to make a legible, potent political statement, Hawley struggles to find the right tone and keep the season’s many intersecting themes straight.

Elizabeth Morris/FXJessie Buckley in ‘Fargo’

The show is simply trying to do too much within a limited framework. Fargo wouldn’t be Fargo without some eccentric law enforcement, so an already-huge cast expands to fit a crooked local detective with OCD (Jack Huston) and Timothy Olyphant—whose roles on Deadwood and Justified made him prestige TV’s quintessential cop—as a smarmy, Mormon U.S. Mashal who snacks on carefully wrapped bundles of carrot sticks. Yet Hawley also realized that he needed to break from previous seasons that, like the Coens’ film, cast a white police officer as the avatar of goodness; hence Ethelrida, whose investigation into her city’s criminal underworld takes the form of a school assignment, and whose soul is stained by neither corruption nor white privilege. She’s a wonderful character, but her and Oraetta’s story line can feel peripheral to the gang war.

With such a crowded plot, it’s no wonder the show can’t maintain a consistent tone. Each season of Fargo creates a hermetically sealed moral universe, doling out divine and definitive justice to each character according to their position on the spectrum spanning from good to evil. In the past, its archness has served as a self-aware counterbalance to the sanctimony inherent in such a project. And there’s still plenty of irreverence in season 4, particularly when it comes to Hawley’s depiction of the Faddas, Oraetta and the other white characters. But there’s nothing funny about the oppression and discrimination that Loy, Doctor Senator and Ethelrida face. Each of their fates is shaped at least as much by a society that is hostile to people who look like them as it is by the moral choices they make as individuals. So the scripts give them the dignity they deserve at the expense of inflicting earnestness—along with frequent reminders, such as Schwartzman’s Trump line, that the story’s themes remain relevant today—on a format that isn’t built for it. Realistic characters and absurd ones awkwardly mingle.

Hawley’s attempt to correct his show’s political blind spots is laudable, and some pieces of the allegory work well; the ritual of ethnic gangs trying—and failing—to work together by raising each other’s sons makes an inspired metaphor for America’s fragile social contract. Even so, Fargo seems fundamentally ill-equipped to address systemic inequality. Though that failing may well render future seasons similarly flawed, if not impossible, in our current political climate, it doesn’t negate the pleasures or insights of what remains one of TV’s most ambitious shows. Like this nation, the new season is a beautiful and ugly, inspiring and infuriating, a tragic and sometimes darkly hilarious mess. As frustrating as it often was to watch, I couldn’t look away.