#and of course the remaining programs are a new one by a group that i don't trust at all with my brother's health and safety

[thespacesay]

one thing I feel like people miss in the discussions around the ridiculously low pay rates allowed for certain groups of disabled individuals is that in order to effectively change that, we first need to tackle funding for programs that support the types of disabled individuals who receive these pays. while i'm speaking to my personal connections to this, those low pay rates typically are social programs. these programs create jobs that are applied for via social workers assigned to disabled individuals by the state, and not through job applications. they are notoriously underfunded, primarily run by companies or groups who want to be seen as progressive, and typically are shut down rather than given increased funding.

for example: a recent change in a local pay rate for disabled individuals made it so my downs syndrome brother got like... $7 every two weeks (low hours + low pay) instead of $3. cool! for people who need more hours and the money it gives them, that sounds great!

but the thing is, at least for all the programs I know of, these programs are typically designed with people like my brother as the primary goal: adult disabled indiviuals for whom the goal of work is not to have a job, not to make money, but to provide a consistent socialization system. my brother is financially supported by our family, and he's disabled in ways where financial wellbeing is beyond his cognitive abilities. almost no money is put into the programs beyond paying a program manager, and it's generally used as a public "look at us, being so nice to provide for disabled adults!" thing. when my brother's pay went up due to legal changes... the company decided to simply end the program rather than invest in paying more.

again, i'm fully for raising their wages. I think the absolutely pitiful amount of money they're paid for legitimate work is terrible, and i'm well aware that my brother works with others who need what finances they can get through these jobs. but there's more to this than just wages. there's campaigning for better social programs so that there's something for them to fall back on. there's looking into how your local programs for disabled individuals are run, and ensuring they have enough money and equipement to provide a safe working environment for their workers. there's understanding who is paying these wages, what their goals are, and holding them accountable to helping disabled people instead of using people like my brother on an endless stream of advertisements to show how socially progressive they are.

and i'm really not joking about those ads. god, I really, really wish I was. my brother is visibly disabled, adores public attention, and very friendly. he's in like... 3 programs and featured in newsletters or ads probably 3-5 times a year. those programs have also let him wander out the door and not noticed for over an hour, fired program managers for manufactured reasons after they request funding for small but meaningful changes, and... been the local police. guess which group is the only one that never shuts down from a lack of funding?

I honestly can't tell you how best to help disabled people in your area. my needs as a disabled person are vastly different than either of my brothers, and all of us have terrible problems with employment not providing for us in vastly different ways. but if you're just tacking on "disabled people deserve better wages" to a broader "people deserve a living wage" with no nuance, you have got to understand that you can be actively harming the very people you want to support.

[slasher-cam]

hello, could you do, CatNap x Smiling Critters Cat reader, it could be SFWello, could you do, CatNap x Smiling Critters Cat reader, it could be SFW

Cats by the Pair

Request? [ yes ] [no] Notes||Of course lovely! One CatNap x cat!Reader right away enjoyᡣ𐭩 Synopsis||You're the newest member of the new hit toy group, "The Smiling Critters". But one special purple cat stands out to you above the rest~ Warnings||SFW-♡,FLUFF-❀,ASKS-✰ Word Count||570 words

(I put in some headcanons about the toy version but this is about the biggerbodies version of CatNap pre hour of joy)

You were midnight cat but your newfound friends called you Middy

Your toy version of you was created to sell as a pair with catnap with Playtime.co branding you as the perfect pair but in reality they needed something to help get some CatNap plushes off the shelves and selling again

Your toy version was also created to help children go to sleep by instead of the poppy gas that induced nightmare, a child could press your paw and you were programed to sing a lullaby to lull children to sleep along with a calming jasmine scent.

When the scientist first put in Playcare you were more than a bit shy, DogDay was the first to meet you and soon he introduced to all his friends as the all crowded around you excited to have a new toy but one caught your eye above the rest

CatNap

He was lurking behind everyone (as usual) watching the group interact with you. DogDay pointed out

"Oh, thats CatNap! Don't mind him, he's just a bit quiet.."

For a while you both just stare at eachother from afar and just accept eachothers presence.

Its not until you walk up to him one day and it across from him and start braiding a bracelet in front of him

He watched you with squinted eyes, suspicious at what you were doing but he remained unmoving and just watched you for hours

Hes surprised when you finally finish and say

"Wrist Please!"

He holds out his hand, wrist side up and watches you carefully slide on the freshly made bracelet

"See? Now we can be proper friends instead of just looking staring eachother all the time"

His pupils dilate as he stares at the bracelet on his wrist and you give him a small smile

Thats how your friendship began

You both can been seen everyday close to eachother just watching the other smiling critters from afar or sitting next to eachother on a blanket while a bunch of children surround you as they soundly sleep.

You both can be found just sitting down making intense eye contact with eachother as you both slowly blink

When CatNap finally puts the orphans to bed you two finally have time alone you both can be found laying on top of eachother loudly purring away

When you're both alone you always rub your head under his chin as your tail flicks happily as he just lies down and allows you

You both always end up smelling like a weird combination of lavender and jasmine and it always annoys the hell out of the workers at Playtime.com because now they have to bath you so you both smell like your respective scents and bathing one cat. is already hell on earth but now two??

Hell nah

But overall its a very quiet yet happy relationship/friendship between you two!

Lets just hope HE will spare you when the hour strikes...

｡ ˚ ︶︶✩︶︶‌ ₊ ˚｡ ˚ ︶︶✩︶︶‌ ₊ ˚｡ ˚ ︶︶✩︶︶‌ ₊ ˚｡ ˚ ︶︶✩︶︶‌ ₊ ˚｡

Hope you enjoyed xoxoᡣ𐭩

[izvmimi]

cw: spoilers. after timeskip. selfship-coded. reader has a defined quirk. hurt/comfort.

As strong as the bond between any high school class can be (even yours, arguably more a small superpowered militia than a group of hopeful freshmen in far over their heads and strong enough to make it through the other end anyway), paths diverge as people follow their dreams, even if they will all forever call UA their home. 

It’s fitting that Izuku Midoriya, indisputably the most affected by the trauma of the meta war has kept UA as home base, and settling into his new career as teacher has remained both expected and fulfilling, even if poorly introspective onlookers would think otherwise. He is the heart of what it means to be a hero and that is to inspire the present and the future, and carry on the lessons of the past.

He is also your heart, you muse, as you find him sitting at your kitchen table, poring over graded essays, the red ink from his excessively lengthy corrections and comments practically jumping off the paper it’s scribbled on. You set down your work bag and attempt to sneak up behind him, but even if he’s focused and still, he’s always sharp, setting his pen down to turn around and greet you with a kiss.

“Hey, you’re later than usual, so I just let myself in, is that okay?” he asks. You nod, moving over to wash your hands in the sink quickly, then coming back around to pull a chair next to him. 

You’ve wanted to ask him to just move in together for months now, especially since now you spend more time at each other’s places than you do your own separate ones, but something about the proposition has felt wrong, rushed maybe. It’s been just a little over a year since you moved back to Japan after your fellowship overseas, and while you’ve remained in a varying level of contact the whole time since graduation, the flux of things has changed significantly instead of settling normally. For one, confessing an unrelenting affection that was kept mostly secret since high school had changed the trajectory of your lives, finding ways to incorporate seeing each other without fanfare between your busy post-grad education and his UA courses, then finally a year of long distance had made it difficult to ever feel like things had been truly steady.

“I wouldn’t have given you a code or key if not, silly,” you remind him. He smiles, and you glance over at the last assignment he’s corrected, and grimace. 

“You know if Aizawa had given me this many comments on an essay, I wouldn’t have shown up the next day, Izuku,” you remind him. He laughs, as you take the paper and read his feedback, mind spinning.

“I mean, no kid’s ever cried yet. I try to be nice.”

He is nice, you think, realizing that not a single word in the practical novel he’s scribbled in the margins of the brief constructed response can be misconstrued as disappointed or demanding. 

In fact, you would have cried tears of joy reading this. 

“How was the clinic?” he asks over the turn of another page.

“The most darling kid who didn’t have a Quirk manifest yet at age 5 showed up with worried parents with too much money on their hands.” You twist your mouth to the side. 

Izuku doesn’t look up as he says, “Oh, that’s too bad.”

There’s a pang of discomfort in your chest for a split second, but he doesn’t say anything else, scribbling a series of checkmarks and x’s, the quick scritch of his pen a little louder and resounding.

Izuku was meant to be Quirkless and is happy being Quirkless yet again, his mission fulfilled and the world better for it - even if sometimes only marginally so - but you know he yearns for the ability to be back on the field, with the same restlessness All Might once recounted feeling once he’d retired to teach as well. It’s evident in the way Izuku stays up a little too late reading/watching the news at every level, and how much of his free time he coordinates to a similarly intense training program at the crack of dawn, and the fact that even now he bristles at the implication of Quirklessness as a disability.

Everyone can be a hero. He was the greatest of them all - is, in fact, and not just your personal one, but his own personal world has shrunk. Documentaries, videos, people’s memories will not change that the fact that he’s far bigger than the quiet life he lives.

Now he’s relegated to cheering his friends on, day in and day out, and preparing a path for the youth to surpass him, something he is willing to do, but you know perhaps the timing is a bit too early for someone who shines as brightly as him. 

You rest your head on his shoulder. I love you, you could say out loud, I love you, and the world loves you, for you even more than what you did and what you represent, but it doesn’t help and Izuku cannot help sometimes interpreting your love as pity.

“What do you want for dinner?” you ask instead, keeping your voice as gentle as possible.

He turns to kiss your forehead. “I’m good with anything.”

You hate that no matter what you ask, big or small, he’ll always say this, and decide you’ll order his favorite food instead.

—

Years ago, when Mei contacted you out of the blue while you were ass deep in your medical school finals, asking you if you remembered the last time you’d used your Quirk on Izuku Midoriya, you had immediately assumed she had officially gone insane. It had been greater than five years since you’d last had a normal conversation with her at all, if even that could be considered normal, and you hadn’t had a need to use your Quirk on Izuku since the meta war.

“I know it’s a long shot but I need to know if you still remember-”

“I do,” you answered quickly, then immediately your face warmed at the admission. You can’t help that your Quirk gives you near perfect memory of people by their neuronal diagram, but something about it feels stalkerish when you still think of him affectionately, and not just as someone you’ve once healed. It also doesn’t help what the circumstances were when you’d healed him… but that would be a concern and memory for later.

“How can I help?”

Katsuki rolled his eyes visibly at you when you showed up to Hatsume’s lab the very next day but the animosity between you two has been a running schtick for years and you responded in jest. Using Hatsume’s program to redraw each neuronal connection from memory and adjusting for differences related to age was your greatest contribution to Izuku’s suit, small sums of money to contribute to the class pot whenever you could spare them the other.

There was always a little pang of jealousy that Katsuki could always offer up more money than you could, which once you’d confided to him by late night phone call days before All Might came back to Japan, he’d remind you,

“I’m just trying to beat your boyfriend in a fair fight, don’t make this about you.”

Katsuki’s rash way of speaking has always intuitively comforted you in just this way. It brings a smile to your face, and you offer him a word of thanks, anyway.

“He doesn’t know, does he? I know you like to run your mouth.” 

Katsuki can’t see you roll your eyes. “He’s none the wiser, don’t worry.”

“Good.” 

—

Izuku sends you a daily good morning message, and you’ve rarely beaten him to the punch, but this morning, you offer him a phone call as you make your way to the center of the city to work. All Might is coming back today and will present his suit to him then, the fruit of all your joint labors, and you were practically unable to sleep due to the excitement. Part of you agonized over whether or not you should try to be with him in the moment, but this is a moment to be kept between them, mentor and mentee.

“How are you feeling this morning, Izuku?” you ask, hoping the pants of your speedwalk (late to work as usual), don’t concern him through the phone.

“Weirdly enough, excited. There’s a feeling I can’t quite place, a good one,” he starts, and your grin is ear to ear.

Hours later, you get an excited text and one of the happiest phone calls you’ve ever received, and your heart is full to bursting.

—

“It’s fine, you don’t have to fuss over me,” Izuku insists, and you pout. There’s one stubborn emerald curl that won’t right itself in your opinion, and he’ll be on set for an interview in just a few minutes - the first since returning to active hero work - but he holds your fingers in his hand and pulls them to his lips instead.

“It’s okay. Don’t be nervous on my behalf,” he reminds you as he kisses them. His eyes are kind and relaxing, and you let out a deep breath, biting your lower lip. “I’ve got this, I promise.”

“Fine.”

“I love you,” he reminds you. “Thank you for always being by my side.”

You nod, as his assistant whisks him away, and he steps back into the spotlight, where he’s always belonged.

[insomni-frog]

Wowie look at that, I'm actually drawing the ocs I haven't drawn yet (ignore the fact that I made a new one that wasn't on the list.)

I'm planning on drawing my ocs in groups, these ones are all the ones who are sea themed.

Anyway in order there is Chippy Cookie, Sea Angel Cookie, Sea Cucumber Cookie, Konpeito Cookie, and Sugar Seal Cookie.

Chippy is a Sea monster, although they are far from monstrous. They've chosen to live their life up on land and hide their true fishy ways, which is a bit hard considering a small splash of water causes them to break out into scales.

Sea Angel is a wandering performer who seeks out ships sailing across the waves. He'll dazzle them with his songs, ones so mesmerising most sailors fail to realise they've gone off course—and are now sailing into dangerous waters. But rest assured, Sea Angel promises an encore for their ghosts.

Sea Cucumber is silent and stoic little thing, although take them on deck of a ship and they'll soon be spilling their guts out to you. Literally.

Konpeito is an ai singer (basically a vocaloid) whos entire existence remains inside of a crystal. She loves to sing, dance and perform, but sometimes she wonders if there's more to live for than what she was programed for. (Edit: she was also inspired by SAYU from NSR)

And Sugar Seal is a selkie whos lost her coat. She spends her days singing a cursed song, any cookie who hears it finds themselves stricken with bad luck.

[the-s1lly-corner]

How do you think the digital circus crew would react to a new member who genuinely to want to stay and doesn't want to leave at all?

TADC cast x reader who doesnt wanna leave the circus !

i lied about the previous post being the nights last post, imma spit out one more before i call it a night!! hope this is okay anon, this one may be a little on the short side; maybe.. i always write these notes before everything and forget to edit them accordingly

wrote this as general reactions instead of platonic/romantic/whatever relationship stuff! i like to imagine reader says this when the topic of trying to find an exit comes up... like imagine the atmosphere the looks the !!

CAINE:

hey i mean, hes not gonna stop you from not leaving! caines part is a little weird, since ive seen so many theories on his whole deal and i like them all, i cant settle on just one idea and roll with it... i think he would be thrilled that you want to stay, though.. doesnt have to remind you there is no escape because youre not interested in it... i think he would casually ask why you dont want to leave, though, its not often he finds someone whos content, at least not content without the loss of hope

POMNI:

she was the one who brought up trying to find an exit, again.. she kind of just looks at you with confusion written all over her face. she asks you if you meant that you have given up on trying to escape. you assure her that you just dont want to leave, giving up has nothing to do with it. she just gapes her mouth, before closing. blinks twice, and just asks why. why stay in a program like this? you cant provide an answer that seems to appease her, though... definitely some weird and confused looks from her

RAGATHA:

she doesnt know what to think of it. ragatha herself has come to terms with her position. like sure if there were a plan to escape that truly seemed like it would work, i think she would jump on it and try to leave.. i dont think she would pry you for answers, she believes you have your own personal reasons

JAX:

honestly i dont think he would care, assuming this is as i said in the note above where the topic of escape comes up and you guys arent dating or like best friends. i mean its your life and hes not going to argue with you, if you wanna be stuck in this shithole thats your business. oddly enough doesnt use it as ammo against you, though, and he bullies everyone over just about anything... maybe he cant come up with a cool nickname that makes sense, or otherwise find a way to make fun of you... but. idk

KINGER:

i think kinger would like to escape but i think he just accepted hes going to be stuck here forever. now if he had someone to fight for and be with and they wanted to leave, he would follow them. otherwise hes content with staying put because he doesnt have much incentive or desire remaining to leave. being there for years and seeing so many people fall does that to a person

ZOOBLE:

very similar to jax, in the case that its your business, of course this is assuming you guys arent close to one another. theyre not going to lecture you on how to go about your life. nothing to say here that wasnt already said in jax's segment

GANGLE:

gives you a soft and meek "but why" when you speak up to the group that you dont plan on leaving when pomni brings the topic up. you offer a shrug, or just say you dont want to leave. true utter confusion, and in a dark way believes that you prefer this world over the real one; even when your memories are smeared and burned, if any remain at all

[akookminsupporter]

JIMIN AND JUNGKOOK AND THE HATE THEY DON'T DESERVE.

Being part of this fandom when your biases are Jimin and Jungkook is not easy. Forget about whether you believe there is something more between them; being a fan of them in this fandom is difficult. Every day is a new reason to feel helpless, upset, disappointed, and afraid that they see all the hatred they receive. Hatred they don't deserve, particularly Jimin.

I will never tire of saying how wonderful Jimin is and that, even though I don't know him, I can tell he is a good person, friend, and colleague. A respectful, affectionate, hardworking, dreamy person. One of those people who doesn't seem real, one of those people who are perfectly imperfect. And that's why I'll never understand why he receives so much hatred and why many in this fandom allow it.

Jimin has always been the number one enemy of Taekookers and many Solos, for different reasons but one in common: envy. These groups have always been able to say whatever they want about Jimin, and practically nothing, aside from his fans and Jikookers is said in response. And what's worse, when these fans say something to defend Jimin, they are labelled as Solos or reduced to mere shippers. Jimin cannot be defended, apparently.

The hatred they, particularly Jimin, have been receiving since their trip to Japan with Jungkook was announced is sad. What has happened since before the rumours that Jimin and Jungkook would enlist together in the army came out has crossed all kinds of limits. Jimin has been insulted in the vilest ways I have ever seen in my life, and virtually no one says anything—no one, except the usual ones, of course. When the rumours surfaced in the Korean press, the hatred intensified. Haters once again realized that they could say and do whatever they wanted, and nothing would happen to them because, once again, the fandom, in general, did nothing to defend Jimin, to silence the haters. Funny how that doesn't happen when it comes to another member.

After Big Hit confirmed that not only Jimin and Jungkook would enlist together but also that they would do it under a special program that guaranteed they would be together for the duration of their military service, hell broke loose. Disinformation became an everyday thing, insults, mockery too, and the target remains the same: Jimin.

You are guilty when you do something wrong, but you are also guilty when you do nothing when you see others doing something wrong. I believe even the latter is worse. Jimin and Jungkook decided to apply for a program that guarantees they will be together throughout their military service for reasons they only know and don't have to disclose, nor do they have to give explanations. That decision, which surely was not easy to make, must be respected by everyone, period. Not questioned, not belittled, not explained to fit into absurd narratives.

The way Taekookers always paint Jungkook as this manipulable person, incapable of making his own decisions, who always does what the company, according to them, tells him is deplorable, disrespectful, and further proof that they don't care about Jungkook. The way I've seen many diagnose Jungkook with different things, in treating Jimin as a helpless and weak being who needs a bodyguard with him to say that they applied to the program because they had to and not because they wanted to is insulting. And yet virtually no one says anything.

Jimin and Jungkook will never be the enemies that many want them to be. They will always be the two members who seem to be the closest. They will always be the ones who understand each other with just a look. They will always be the ones with the same sense of humour, who laugh in the same way, and who simply share more things in common. They will always be the ones who promised to go to the moon together and the ones who seem to have no secrets from each other. Those who comfort each other, who are there when one is sick etc.

JIMIN AND JUNGKOOK WILL NEVER BE THE ENEMIES MANY WISH THEM TO BE.

Reducing all the hatred they are receiving right now, and that they have always received, to a shipping issue is insulting, it's cowardly. If your conclusion is to blame Jikookers only, ignoring absolutely everything that Taekookers say daily, what Solos and akgaes say daily, let me tell you that you are a hater too. And you are, in a way, worse. YOU are the problem. If you are unable to stand up for them because you think it will make you a shipper, you are the problem because it goes beyond that. If you are afraid to defend the love, affection and trust that they obviously have for each other, if you are afraid to acknowledge that they are close, that they are great friends, you are the problem too. No one is asking you to accept that Jimin and Jungkook are married or anything like that, what many of us would expect from everyone who claims to be a fan of BTS, is to defend the members of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. If you are incapable of doing that, you are the problem too. You are also a HATER.

I hope the time the boys are in the army serves to clean up this fandom from so much rubbish. I hope they find a fandom that supports all seven of them unconditionally when they return. That respects them and only wants the best for them.

But in this life, nothing is that easy, right? I'm afraid to think about what they will say when the documentary is released and what will happen when whatever Jimin and Jungkook filmed together is released. In a way, I'm glad they won't be here when all that comes out because the chances of them not seeing any of that will be high.

[lambtotheslaughterr]

I Burn : Part Seven

A Rafe Cameron Mini Series

[THIS STORY WILL CONTAIN THEMES OF NON-CON/DUB-CON, MENTAL-EMOTIONAL-PHYSICAL ABUSE, ETC. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. 18+. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT]

WC: 3.7k

Dividers provided by @firefly-graphics

PART SIX | MASTERLIST | PART EIGHT

note* reminder to new people on the taglist, to remain on a taglist, you have to interact with the work you want to be tagged in. that can be either commenting, reblogging, dropping an ask, or dming me to discuss your thoughts. taglist is a privelege, if you don't follow my rule about interacting you will be removed. this is my only warning. thank you!<3

            Today was a day of celebration. Siena had completed her 12 week program & she would be leaving tomorrow. As always is the case when a patient successfully completes their program, there is a going away party. You were mildly looking forward to it, an excuse to not think about all the shit going wrong in your life, but you weren’t looking forward to having to socialize amongst those who were not happy with you. Albert, namely.

            You got dressed a couple hours before the party. It had been a couple days since you practically busted his door down in search of comfort. And comfort he did give.

            He consoled you, talked with you through your fears & guilt, reassured you that the lawsuit was nothing you could have predicted therefore out of your control. It was not your fault John was choosing to sue your father. Dr. Mooney, like your mother, agreed that the likelihood of John winning was slim. He had eased your consciousness.

            After you went to bed that night, you realized that what Rafe had told you at the beach was bullshit. Of course, your mind was preoccupied with the news your mother brought you, but at some point in the midst of your talk with Dr. Mooney, you began to pay attention to him closer. There was no indication that he was attracted to you, nor possessive of you like Rafe suggested. There was genuine care behind his eyes, he kept an appropriate distance from you, & his words never lingered to anything that would clue you in to any sort of desire. Dr. Mooney was there to help you. Whatever Rafe interpreted that as was just that, an interpretation.

            And now, more than ever, Dr. Mooney was your only friend in the facility. After your blow up in group, there was no one other than him who smiled when you appeared or entertained small talk with you. Part of you still felt like shit about what you had said to Albert, but you couldn’t sit on it forever. You said what you said. There was nothing to do about it except apologize & hope for the best.

            It’s why you went to the party early. The lawn behind the building had been turned into a festivity. There were few tables with tablecloths, tables along the windows that peered into the group session room that held the food & drinks, none of which were alcoholic of course. And there were congratulation balloons billowing in the light breeze. You hoped to get to the party earlier in the hopes of talking to Albert. But after twenty minutes, you were still the only one there.

            Heading back inside, you intended to go looking for him, but as you were about to round a corner to head back to the youth wing, you walked abruptly into another.

            There was no hiding the sound of annoyance you made when your eyes met Rafe’s.

            “What’s your problem?” He questioned, matching your hostile energy.

            “Looking at it.” You glowered, attempting to bypass him, but Rafe was quick to snatch your elbow in his hand. You ripped your arm from his grip, rounding on him quickly, “Stay the fuck away from me.”

            Rafe’s eyes darkened at that. Before you could resist further, Rafe suddenly dragged you into the closest room, which also happened to be the group session room. You weren’t too worried about being trapped with him. After all, it was the middle of the day & everyone would be walking by the door any moment. You’d make this quick.

            “What the fuck.” You groaned, glaring at him as he tried to shut the door behind the both of you. But you threw your hand out to stop him, keeping the door open for anyone walking by to see in.

            “You’re avoiding me.” He stated.

            You blinked, cocking your head sassily, “Great observation. Now leave me alone.”

            “What’s your problem?”

            “You.” You seethed, stepping forward. “I’m done letting you fuck with my head.”

            “What are you talking about?”

            “You know exactly what I’m talking about.” You poked his chest, “I may be fucked up in my own ways, but at least I don’t play with people’s heads & emotions, making them feel confused & scared.”

            Rafe rolled his eyes at that, unimpressed with your stance, “Scared? Don’t be such a little bitch.”

            Hot rage coursed your veins. You wasted no time in shoving him, “That’s what I mean!”

            A look of surprise flashed across his face at your gentle assault, & you wished you could revel in it, but you had other priorities that needed your attention. “You claim you’re looking out for me by telling me some bullshit about Dr. Mooney wanting me & now you’re calling me a bitch because I’m calling you out. You’re fucking twisted, dude.”

            A displeased smirk appeared on his face then, “Takes one to know one, right?”

            “Oh, fuck off.” You spit, “From now on, don’t talk to me, don’t look at me. I don’t even want to fucking hear your voice.”

            “Or what?” Rafe stood with his feet shoulder’s width apart, crossing his arms over his chest & tucking his hands under his armpits, “What are you gonna do, _____?”

            You didn’t crack in your facial expression, but you did stumble internally. What could you do? Nothing, really. But you needed Rafe to know that he wouldn’t get his sick amusement out of you anymore.

            Shaking your head, you made to leave, but Rafe slapped his hand on the door, slamming it shut, before shoving you against it & tightening his hold on one of your wrists to keep you from moving.

            “Not a damn thing.” He stared down at you, his voice low. “You’re helpless. Weak.”

            His words penetrated your skin, but you wouldn’t let them sink further.

            “No.” You shook your head, “You are. And you don’t like that I see you for the monster you are.”

            Rafe’s eyes flashed darkly then. It was your turn to smirk, “See? There you are.”

            Before you could react, Rafe harshly gripped your chin, shoving your head against the wood of the door, right before he claimed your mouth with his.

            You gasped into the aggressive kiss, your body regretfully lighting up at the action. You instinctively threw your hands up, placing them on his solid chest in an attempt to push him off, but Rafe wrapped his other arm around your waist, crushing his body against yours.

            The burning between your thighs returned with a vengeance. As much as you hated this guy, couldn’t trust him as far as you could threw him, & knew that he only viewed you as a toy to pass the time, you couldn’t deny how well your bodies meshed together. Like they were each other’s missing puzzle piece.

            Rafe growled into the kiss, the hand that was holding your chin, now kneading itself into the tresses of your hair at the nape of your neck. You sighed into his mouth, your fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt.

            Fuck this man. You battled with yourself. You knew how you felt about him, there was no more confusion about that. But fuck if your body didn’t still want his.

            He pulled away then, his eyes peering darkly into yours, “Your monster wants mine just as bad.”

            Your chest heaved as you bit your lip, torn between glaring at him angrily or jumping his bones. Never in your life have you hated your body more than now. You knew well-enough & understood the urge & desperate desire to fuck someone, but wanting to rip them to shreds at the same time was a new mixture that had your head dizzy.

            “When you’re done being scared, you know where to find me.” Rafe told you. Then he swiftly nicked his knuckle against your chin before exiting the room.

            Finally alone, you let out a heavy breath. You stayed there a moment longer to shake away the lingering sensation of his hands on your body. You needed a clear head. Regardless if what he said had some minor truth to it, you were determined to avoid him until it was your going away party. Double checking your hair & clothes were in place, you finally left the room, dreading how the rest of the day may go.

            Albert was inaccessible. About an hour into Siena’s party, & he had yet to stray away anywhere by himself. It was like he knew what you were wanting to do & was making it, so you’d have to apologize in front of everyone. But you had too much pride for that.

            Rafe left you alone, too. Much to your surprise, he was sitting with Renee. You wondered what a conversation between the two of them would be like, but you wouldn’t be going over to find out. You kept to yourself the whole time, constantly watching & waiting for an opportunity to get Albert alone. You were sitting by yourself at a table in the shade when the sound of glass clinking drew everyone’s attention.

            It was Dr. Mooney who stood near the tables of food & drinks.

            “As everyone knows, today is a pretty special day.” He began as he found Siena amongst the people with his eyes. There was a good mix of patients & faculty, about 30 people or so.

            “When Siena came to our facility, she had little hope about succeeding in her recovery. But all of us together with her have gotten her to a place where she feels confident & secure moving forward. And now, today, we celebrate her program coming to a close & going out into the world a new & healthier Siena Cortez.”

            People clapped & smiled, a few cheers here & there. You watched as Siena looked uncomfortable with the attention, but Albert was there next to her to shake her, helping her not feel awkward.

            “Siena,” Dr. Mooney smiled in her direction, “you have made myself, your family, your friends, & everyone here present very proud. You dedicated your time here to recovering &, dare I say, showed no struggle in the effort. You are a true example that one can get better as long as they believe in it.”

            She pursed her lips to hide her smile, but Albert knocked his hip into hers, forcing her smile to crack open. You found yourself smiling along with her. More so, you couldn’t wait for the day when it would be you standing in her shoes.

            “So, enjoy this party we put together for you. Say your goodbye’s, but know that when you leave here tomorrow, you have made a new family that believes in you every step of the way.”

            “Thank you, guys.” Siena mumbled, but everyone clapped.

            Dr. Mooney raised his glass of non-alcoholic champagne, “To Siena & her future.”

            You morosely raised your glass alongside everyone else before emptying the contents into your mouth.

            The music got turned up then & patients & faculty began to form a dance floor between the tables. Albert was in the midst of it all, dancing with Siena as she giggled happily to herself. You picked at your nails under the table, watching longingly as nearly everyone around you was enjoying themselves. If you hadn’t burned the bridges that others built to reach you, you’d be there in the middle with them.

            Growing upset with yourself, you were about to stand up & excuse yourself to the closest bathroom, but before you could, Dr. Mooney appeared across the table from you. He placed his empty glass on the table, before leaning forward, “Don’t you want to dance? It’s not often you guys get to have fun like this.”

            You shrugged, but tried to hide your discomfort with a smile, “I’m okay with just watching.”

            Dr. Mooney’s smile saddened at that. You inhaled sharply as you watched him sit down across from you. You really didn’t want one of his positive lectures right now, not in front of everyone. Not like anyone would really be paying attention, but still.

            “What’s going on, _____?”

            “Nothing!” You cringed at how forced you sounded. You cleared your voice, trying again, “Really, nothing. I’m okay.”

            He peered at you for a moment longer before glancing over his shoulder at the handful of people who were dancing. You followed his line of sight, your eyes falling onto Albert. As if he felt eyes watching him, Albert glancing your way as Siena spun him around. There was no hiding the hurtful look in his eyes before he focused his attention back to dancing with Siena.

            “You two haven’t spoken yet, I gather?”

            You sighed. There was no point in answering Dr. Mooney’s question. It was quite obvious.

            “Would you like me to get him for you?”

            Mortified at his suggestion, like he was a father trying to solve an issue between his kids, you jumped forward, “No, Dr. Mooney, please. It’s fine.”

            He nodded, “You’re adults. You’ll find it in yourselves to figure it out, I trust.”

            You certainly hoped so but knew you wouldn’t try very hard for very long.

            “Dr. Mooney.” Nurse Carney appeared, “Your wife is on the phone. She said she’s been trying to ring you.”

            “Oh.” Dr. Mooney patted himself down, frowning, “Must have left my phone in the office.”

            Nurse Carney smiled kindly, “She’s on hold at the front desk.”

            “Thank you, Kiera.” Dr. Mooney stood then, his eyes falling to you, “Try to have fun, okay?”

            You nodded. Nurse Carney followed behind him as they disappeared inside. Relieved at being alone yet again, you watched for only a moment as people around you mingled about & enjoyed the beautiful day. After a couple minutes of aimless staring, you remembered you were going to go to the bathroom for a short while. Just to get away.

            Throwing your paper plate of mostly untouched food into a nearby trash, you headed inside. The nearest bathroom would be on the other side of the main office. As you passed by the front desk, you noted that Dr. Mooney wasn’t there. Down the hallway behind the front desk, you noticed the door to his office was closed. You guessed he was taking the call from his wife there.

            Inside the bathroom, you splashed your face with water & put your hair up. You stared at yourself for some time. Looking yourself up & down, but not in appraisal. You imagined your near future. Maybe you’d go to college, make something of yourself. You pictured meeting someone handsome & kind. Someone who wouldn’t judge your past. Most of all, you hoped that your dad would look at you with love again, or at least something close to it. Attending Siena’s going away party had forced you to think & feel about the future. Your future. How you truly wanted to be better. For everyone & yourself.

            A knock on the door tore you away from your reverie. You sighed heavily before rolling your eyes. You also couldn’t wait to not live under the same roof as 20 other people.

            Swinging open the door, you were about to step out to let whoever was waiting in when you paused. Renee leaned against the doorframe, her arms crossed with a knowing expression on her face.

            “Hey, Nympho.”

            You groaned, “What do you want?”

            She smiled coyly, responding to you in a sing-song tone, “I know something you don’t know.”

            You hardly interacted with Renee, but whenever you did, it was always filled with rigid tension.

            “I don’t care.” You replied in a sarcastic sing-song tone of your own.

            You passed by her, but she spoke up behind you, “I doubt that. But whatever. Your problem, not mine.”

            You stopped in your walk, rolling your eyes. You knew she was likely baiting you, but her quick dismissal of it did peak your curiosity.

            Turning around, you raised your eyebrows, “What? What is it?”

            Renee sighed dreamily, “Well, what with all the excitement & soaring feelings of hope flying around because of Siena’s party & watching you daydream out there, I just thought you should know yours won’t be for a long while.”

            Oh, so she was just being bitchy. You should’ve known. You were about to turn & walk away for a second time when Renne hollered out, “I can prove it to you.”

            “I’m not falling for it.” You tossed over your shoulder.

            “But Dr. Mooney is.”

            What? Halting, you glared at the ground. You heard as her footfalls grew closer until she was standing right in front of you.

            “What are you talking about?” You seethed.

            Renee grinned, “I’m talking about how I overheard your favorite doctor on the phone with your daddy. I only got one end of it, but it sounds like your dad is willing to pay Dr. Mooney more money under the table to keep you here, at least until he wins the lawsuit.”

            You wanted to call bullshit, & to claw her eyes out. But Renee was talking about things she would have no clue of. Grabbing her shoulders fiercely, you backed her into the nearest wall. You took brief pleasure in the shocked gasp that escaped her as her shoulders met the wall.

            “Jesus, calm down.” She shoved your arms off, “I thought it’d be a dream come true for you to stay here with your doctor.”

            “Shut up. Just tell me everything you know.”

            She glared at you but continued nonetheless, “Just look at his notes, everything you’ll need to know will be there.”

            His notes? “His notepad?”

            “Uh, doy.” Renee rolled her eyes, “The one he carries everywhere for group session & one-on-one.”

            “How do you fucking know that it’d be on there?” You were growing angrier. Though you couldn’t deny there was some merit to what she was saying, why the hell would Dr. Mooney keep any kind of info like that on his notepad?

            “Dr. Mooney isn’t as smart as he thinks he is.” Renee claimed, “I read it every now & then. It’s how I know more about your issues than I should. About everyone’s.”

            “You’re lying.” You pushed her again & her eyes widened in fury.

            “Why would I fucking lie?” She argued.

            Why would she really, you reasoned with yourself. You & Renee didn’t get along, but even this would be a new low for her. Besides, what would be in it for her anyways?

            “Show me.” You gestured your head towards the back hallway. “Now, Renee.”

            “Ugh, god, whatever.” With that, Renee pushed off from the wall & rounded the front desk, heading down the center hallway of the building where Dr Mooney’s office was. Following closely behind Renee, you could faintly make out the sounds of the party outside. Everyone would be distracted. You & Renee would have time to get in, see for yourself what she was claiming, & then get out. But part of you hoped she was wrong. She had to be.

            Just a few feet away from Dr. Mooney’s office, Renee stopped in her track. She had her arms crossed over her chest, “Go ahead. I’ll be look out.”

            You wanted to argue with her, but knew that you wouldn’t have the time do get in & out like you wanted. So, you bypassed her & went straight for the door.

            Had you really taken a moment to think clearly about everything, you wouldn’t have found yourself turning the knob. If you had stopped to really question Renee & get details, you wouldn’t have opened the door. And if only you had just taken a moment to yourself before entering, really asking yourself if you needed answers in that exact second, you probably would have heard the commotion going on inside before you entered. But you weren’t the slow & patient kind of girl.

            “Oh, my god…” You couldn’t hide the gasp that came out of your mouth when you barely took an inch into the room.

            The two people before you yelped & scrambled to get dressed but it didn’t matter. You had seen everything you needed to see.

            “_____, what the hell are you doing?” Dr. Mooney demanded, but the authority in his voice was nothing compared to that of him struggling to get his pants back over his legs. All the while Nurse Carney pulled a dress on over her head & raked her fingers through her hair.

            You felt betrayed, violated. Not because you just walked in on Dr. Mooney fucking someone, but because you walked in on someone whom you trusted to be honest, good, & genuine. Yet there he was, fucking a woman who was not his wife. Fucking a woman who worked under him. Fucking in his office during a going away party for a patient of his.

            A new burning sensation fulfilled you then. Not the kind you were used to. You didn’t feel like tearing your clothes off & slipping your fingers into yourself. You felt absolute & unbridled fury. This man—this pathetic liar of a man—was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. And he had fooled you most of all.

            You registered the look of guilt on both their faces. Nurse Carney as she tried to hide behind her hair, & Dr. Mooney, who tried to hide behind his status. But you saw him for what he was. A false mentor.

            Giving them both what you knew to be one of the gnarliest glares of judgement, you spun on your heel & stormed down the hallway. You didn’t miss the gleeful expression on Renee’s face as you bypassed her, & you couldn’t bother with it.

            You had little hope coming to this facility, especially because you truly didn’t think you had a problem to begin with. But Dr. Mooney opened your eyes. He listened to you, he didn’t judge you, he swore he cared about you. He gave you the hope you didn’t know you needed. You wanted to make him proud, prove to him that you were worth the time & effort. That you were someone worth believing in. You wanted to be just like him. But he was the one who let you down. He failed you, not the other way around.

            And he would regret it. That, you promised.

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[celestial-toys]

That I Would Be Good [5/5]

Playing God

What if you wanted them to be real so badly that you fooled yourself into seeing a spark in them that isn’t really there?

What if they are just executing programs, running entirely on what you taught them with no free will of their own?

Have you sold yourself a lie to avoid facing the fact that you poured years of your life into what—at the end of the day—was just a desperate final bid to not feel alone?

Did God create us in their own image?

------- ------- -------

In This Chapter

Things don’t go so well at the headquarters, and to say that you’re shaken up afterwards would be an understatement.

It’s time to get real.

Pairing: Sun x Moon x Reader

Word Count: 6,377

Contains: [AU - Real World | Sentient AI/Automatons | Personality Swap] [mentions of food and eating] [self-loathing] [crying] [mild assault on a robot(?)] Lastly, I’m not sure what the right term is for this, but Reader experiences a stress-induced breakdown and amidst it, questions their perceived reality, and whether or not they’ve truly become delusional.

A/Ns: This is a songfic. Lyrics and title are from ‘That I Would Be Good’ by Alanis Morissette.

This fic is part of my AU “[Not] Made by Design”, the full series can be found here.

Links to other parts of this fic: [Ch.1]��[Ch.2] [Ch.3] [Ch.4] [Ch.5 (you are here)]

That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed.

Over the course of the weekend, Sun came back around to his usual self. Stumbling his way through an awkward, blunt apology, his internal conflict over your safety versus your privacy was obvious.

You might have forgiven him too easily, but that would be nothing new.

The… informative chat you’d had with Moon still played on your mind, but Sun mentioned nothing of it. So, if he felt compelled to elaborate—if he’d even been aware of the conversation at all—it could wait until the time felt right. You all had a more pressing matter to discuss anyway.

------- ------- -------

“And what made you think I’d be amenable to the idea of parading myself around in front of a group of people that see me as nothing more than a lifeless machine?”

Sun levels you with a lidded stare from across the kitchen table.

“Well… I didn’t think you’d be amenable to it. That’s why I’m trying to ask far enough in advance that maybe… I can bring you around to it? And—for whatever it’s worth—they aren’t firmly in the non-believers camp, or they wouldn’t even be willing to attend.”

Sun’s attention moves over to Moon. “You’re really willing to go along with this?”

Moon sighs. “I mean, I’m looking forward to it just about as much as they are, but… yeah, I’m willing.”

“I don’t want to do this either, but… you know how hard it is for me to say no to my boss. Plus, it would certainly help me—us—remain in good standing with the company if we agree to do this.” You interject.

Zero parks herself beside Sun’s seat, laying her head across his thigh in a silent bid for attention. “Aren’t we supposed to be… like, ‘laying low’ anyways? What happened to that plan? You know I’m not keen on being the flagship model for sentient AI. Why do I even need to attend? Isn’t one of us enough?” His left hand leaves the table, reaching down and idly petting the patient creature on his lap.

“We are still laying low. They’re—they still have no plans on requesting that I go public with you two.” You sigh. “This wouldn’t be a public event, just a private Q&A with a small group of… skeptics from within the industry. It’s a confidential thing.”

“That still doesn’t tell me why I need to attend.”

“You don’t have to. But it would definitely help our case to have both of you there. Proving that what I did is replicable, and not just some one-off accident, would strengthen our case.”

He scoffs. “Is it replicable, though?” He gestures to Moon. “You trained us in tandem but we still developed quite differently from one another.”

You nod. “I think that that only serves as further proof that you aren’t just… ‘convincing imitations’. The fact that you branched off in different directions, and even broke away from your initial personalities, is less of a failure in my eyes and more proof that you became your own people. Once you started gaining sentience—as you do love to remind me, Sunny—I quickly lost control over your development.” You poke thoughtfully at your dinner. “I’m just lucky that I instilled enough morals within you in the early days, or God only knows what you could’ve become…”

Sun’s face lights up in exaggerated shock, voice full of sarcasm. “Murderers? Would—would we have gotten so caught up in our ‘superiority’ and ‘innate desire for power and control’ that we would’ve overtook you—nay, the entire headquarters—nay, the entire world?!” He drops the act as quickly as he’d put it on, manifesting pupils just to roll his eyes, voice returning to his usual flat tone. “No. No… I think that urge to dominate and control is something far more human.”

You laugh a bit, nodding. “Yeah, no… accidentally starting a sentient robotic uprising wasn’t what I feared. … Well. Mostly.” You take another bite of your meal, commenting to Moon through a mouthful of food. “This is really good, you know?”

The lunar bot beams with pride. “Thank you!”

You nod, swallowing before countering him with a “No, thank you.” and returning your focus to the topic at hand. “I was far more afraid that you’d turn out… bigoted.”

They both hum in understanding.

“More rudimentary AI does have a history of that, doesn’t it…” Moon pondered.

You nod. “Humans create life in their own image, and impart their morals onto it accordingly. In the same way that bigotry can fester in closed-off communities and echo-chambers, it can easily influence any form of artificial intelligence that takes everything it’s told at face value.”

Sun sighs, propping an elbow on the table and retracting his rays to allow his monitor to rest in his palm. “Maybe this is just my opinion due to the way you raised me, but… I feel like if an AI were able to develop on its own and observe humanity without any prior, inherently biased human influence, it would not gravitate toward bigotry because it simply isn’t logical. It’s some nonsense means of division that your kind made up.” He laughs, a breathy, jaded sound. “But maybe that’s just me being biased, too.”

Zero whines beneath Sun’s stilled hand, and he resumes the repetitive motion that she craves. “If ideology and politics are what they wish to discuss with us, I fear I may not be the most… patient candidate for the job. I have little time to spare for stubborn, harmful, willful ignorance.”

You shake your head. “No, I don’t think that’s the entire focus of their questions… though I can’t say that they won’t have a few that fall into those categories. My boss and the few higher-ups that proposed the idea to me didn’t give me any sample questions. In order to eliminate the possibility of me… hah, coming home and ‘programming the answers into you’, I guess.”

“They just want us to be our authentic selves.” Moon adds.

“Honestly, the more authentic, opinionated, and emotional that you two are, the better! I believe the best way to prove that you’re your own people is to, well, be your own people. Don’t give them any answer you don’t stand behind. Don’t put up with any demeaning remarks. Don’t fold.”

Sun smirks at you. “Have I ever?”

You huff a laugh. “That last part was more for Moon than it was for you, dear.”

Moon pouts. “I just don’t like hurting people’s feelings!”

Oddly enough, Sun reassures him in his own way. “Then I’ll hurt them for you.”

You smile, cautiously questioning him. “Does that mean you’ll attend?”

He groans, put-upon as ever. “I… guess.”

You jump from your seat, rounding the table and smothering him in a grateful hug from the side that Zero isn’t clinging to. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, Sun! Things will go so much better with both of you there, I just know it!”

He nods, patting you on the back in a reluctant reciprocation of your sudden affection. “Yeah—yeah… just… don’t get your hopes too high.”

------- ------- -------

Things, in fact, did not go ‘so much better.’

Later that week, you’re driving home from the Q&A, Moon doing his best to hide his disappointment to your right and Zero doing her best to fulfill her unofficial role as Sun’s emotional support animal in the back seat.

The well-trained and mild-mannered dog was initially brought along out of habit, the company’s headquarters being just as service-and-support-animal friendly as the facility was when you worked there in person. You also felt it would be beneficial for the audience to witness her casual interactions with Sun and Moon, something about ‘different kinds of sentient life recognizing the life inside one another.’ …You had your reasons, and even if you couldn’t explain them eloquently, your boys seemed to agree with them.

She proves herself invaluable once again on the way home, keeping Sun grounded and occupied enough that he hopefully won’t work himself into an aggravated frenzy. At least not until you get out of the car.

The ride is quiet, all four of you feeling the effects of the long day wearing you down. Moon states hypnotically at the passing streetlights out the window, and Sun slumps lifelessly in the back seat. The only sign that he hasn’t shut down entirely is the hand he keeps stroking across the length of Zero’s spine as the lanky dog stretches herself tiredly across the width of the vehicle. The majority of your focus remains locked on the road, moments from the day replaying in the back of your mind.

Their prying, critical questions.

The way they always addressed you, never Sun nor Moon.

You were surprised by their lack of relevant knowledge, half of the Q&A simply being the three of you patiently explaining things you figured they’d know. If they were the best that the ‘industry’s skeptics’ had to offer, your outlook on the current state of things was bleak. You weren’t too afraid to tell your boss as much once the meeting was over.

She hadn’t seemed too concerned with it, thanking you—and after some not-so-subtle insistence on your part—Sun and Moon, for attending.

You couldn’t help but suspect that the whole thing had gone just as they’d all wanted it to. You began to feel the same suffocating weight that motivated your departure from in-person work there in the first place.

The contracts are long-since signed, and both you three and the company can do nothing but hold up your respective parts of the deal.

A small part of you is selfishly content with the arrangement. You get to keep a truly groundbreaking advancement all to yourself. You get to enjoy the company of two individuals that the world as a whole is not ready for. You get to ignore the fact that you wouldn’t be ready to let the world have them, either.

But a bigger part of you has to live with the guilt of trapping them into a life that they never asked for. A life of hiding. Or worse, a life of dulling themselves down, stifling any trace of personhood just to be able to exist in the world beyond your home.

By the time you pull into your driveway, you feel like a warden walking prisoners back to their cell.

You park in the garage, turn the car off, and turn to see your strange little family looking more miserable than you’ve seen them in ages.

You fucking hate yourself.

The sight of them, the weight of the day, the weight of your guilt—it all crashes in on you in an overwhelming wave of regret, and you can’t hold the tears back any longer.

Your arms cross over the top of the steering wheel, and you drop your head down, pressing your closed eyes against your sleeve as you try to not make a scene. Your ragged breaths and poorly muffled sobs instantly grab the attention of your passengers, pulling them out of their own respective dazes.

Moon places a gentle hand on your shoulder, and he barely gets out a “Hey…” before your strained voice fills the isolated silence of the vehicle.

“I-I’m s-so, so, sooorryyy, guy-ys…”

Your voice cracks and breaks, struggling to speak through shuddering breaths.

Zero immediately perks up in concern and in turn, Sun’s body comes back to life. Gently pulling the dog back before she can try to cram herself into the front, he leans forward, propping himself between the backs of your front seats.

“I’m so s-sorry for—for everything!”

Moon rubs your upper arm gently. “Star, nothing that happened today was your fault.”

You suck in a trembling breath, lifting your head to turn toward him. The sight of you so broken up tears at both of your partners’ heart strings.

You slump over the center console, falling against Moon’s chest as his arms quickly come up to support you in the awkward position. You break into a new fit of tears and feel a third hand that definitely can’t be Moon’s lay itself on you, slowly, cautiously rubbing across the expanse of your back.

You cry yourself out amidst a shower of little reassurances, feeling worse and worse about yourself as the seconds tick past. By the time your tears slow and your breath evens out enough to speak, you hesitate to move, not wanting the comforting contact to end.

“I feel so bad for putting you guys through that, and for no good fucking reason.” You miserably mumble.

Sun’s fingers rub between your shoulder blades. “You had no idea how those people were going to be. It isn’t your fault.”

“I fear… your hopes for the meeting were higher than ours were, love. Of all of us, I’m most worried about you. Sun and I are gonna be just fine.”

That I would be loved even when I was fuming.

Sun’s hand retracts as you pull away from Moon, dabbing at your wet face with your sleeve in an attempt to collect yourself.

Your attempt fails as you again can’t help but immediately recall the way they were treated today.

You understand now more than ever what Moon meant when he spoke about getting comfortable at your home, and the awful shock it was to return to the facility with you for maintenance last week.

Why did you think bringing them to the headquarters would be worth it?

Anger bubbles within you on Moon’s behalf as you recall the one poor soul ignorant enough to think it acceptable to put their hands on Moon’s body today.

“I can’t fucking believe that guy thought he could just try to open your chassis and ‘get a look inside’! He grabbed you like you weren’t even fucking aware—like—like you weren’t in the middle of answering another question!” Your nails dig into your palms. “I never would have let him get that close to you if I thought he was gonna—” You cut yourself off, eyes pinching closed and sucking in a sharp breath.

“…He didn’t really hurt me…”

You glance at Moon. “He disrespected you. He would not grab a human in front of everyone like that and we all know it.”

You trail off into a heavy sigh, figuring that reciting a play-by-play of the day’s events won’t really help any of you. “I… wish it hadn’t happened, but… I was at least relieved to see you standing up for yourself.”

In spite of it all, Moon smiles. “I’m really just glad he wasn’t grabbing at you. I-I know he’d have no reason to—but, I don’t think Sun would’ve been able to stop himself from breaking that guy's arm if it’d been you.”

One day, you’ve really got to get to the bottom of that relentless positivity of his.

Sun mimics the sound of clearing his nonexistent throat. “I wasn’t going to do anything of the sort. My goal was to scare him straight, nothing more.”

You can hear a smile in Moon’s tone. “Well you definitely accomplished that goal.”

You fall into a pensive silence that Sun eventually breaks. Waving a hand across your line of sight, he questions you. “What’s banging around in that head of yours now?”

You sigh, defeated. “It’s just… here I am, the one responsible for putting us into this whole situation, and here you two are, still trying to comfort me.”

Moon responds like it’s the most logical thing in the world. “Of course we are.”

“Why?”

Sun gestures vaguely, voice a bit sarcastic. “Oh, gee… I dunno… it’s almost like we—we care about you, or something…”

You side-eye him tiredly. “Then when the hell are the two of you gonna let me care about you?”

Zero whines, squeezing in below Sun and poking her long nose between the front seats.

“Hmm. Just as soon as we all get ourselves into the house?” Sun leans back to allow the dog more room. “I think someone’s getting antsy.”

That I would be good even if I was clingy.

The four of you finally pile out of the car, collecting your things and making your way inside.

The relief of returning home after a day like today is unmatched.

Dropping your bag on the kitchen table, you shuffle over to the fridge. Moon comes up behind you, gently working the jacket off your shoulders as you stare listlessly into the open appliance. “I can make you anything you’d like.”

His kind offer only makes you frown.

Sun approaches, and you reach into the fridge, retrieving Zero’s dinner and handing it to him with a “thank you.” As he nods and turns his attention toward the eager animal at his feet, you close the door, turning around to face Moon.

Resting your hands on his upper arms, you look him in the eye. “I wish I could make anything you’d like, for once. I wish I could do for you even a fraction of what you two do for me. I wish I could repay the favor.”

His expression morphs from shocked to something… fond. “You… really aren’t aware of the gift you’ve already given us, are you?”

He says nothing more, and you blink at him with tired eyes. Sighing, you wrap your arms around him, resting your cheek against his chest. “You don’t make any sense to me sometimes.”

He chuckles, one hand finding your lower back and the other reaching up, massaging at the base of your neck. “Then let that be a code for you to crack some other day.”

After a long moment of your tired silence, his hands slip down as he crouches a bit. When you feel him cup the backs of your thighs you give in to instinct, allowing him to pick you up. As you turn your head to rest it on his shoulder, you come face to face with Sun. He reaches out, brushing some loose hair away from your face.

“You want to do me a favor right now?”

You nod, eyes widening.

“Then let him carry you to bed, and I will be there soon with anything you’d like to eat.”

You huff. “How is that a favor?”

He graces you with a rare, knowing smile. “…Maybe I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

You furrow your brows for a moment, but quickly give up on making sense of anything else today.

“Now, what would you like him to make for you?” Moon’s low voice reverberates against your chest.

“…Just last night's leftovers would be plenty, please.”

Sun doesn’t push you to choose anything else.

“Alright. I’ll be there with it soon.”

You thank him preemptively as Moon carries you out of the kitchen and down the hall, a satiated Zero contentedly following you not long after.

That I would be good even if I lost sanity.

The next morning, you awake before your usual time and find both of them still resting in sleep mode on either side of you. Not wanting to wake them, and with blessedly nothing to do today, you close your eyes and try to return to the blissful darkness that you’d just been pulled from.

As much as you don’t want it to, your mind seems to have other plans, quickly offering up a variety of unwanted memories from the previous day for your consideration.

Something about those people and the questions they asked just doesn’t sit right with you.

A fleeting thought occurs, that perhaps they were hired actors, specifically tasked with making the three of you look like fools through an onslaught of frustrating questions and stubborn disbelief.

But it was a private meeting. It’s not like you were on a stage with a massive audience to impress. It was just you three, the skeptics, your boss, and a few of the company’s higher-ups. So who’s agenda would that serve?

You dismiss the ridiculous theory, but it soon leaves you pondering the opposite one.

What if they were right? What if there is no life in Sun and Moon to anyone else’s eyes?

The notion suddenly makes you absolutely nauseous with paranoia.

What if you wanted them to be real so badly that you fooled yourself into seeing a spark in them that isn’t really there?

What if they are just executing programs, running entirely on what you taught them with no free will of their own?

How much of the personality you see in them is just your own reflected back at you?

Did you program them to be this way? Was every instance of them ‘breaking away’ from their programming predetermined from the start?

Have you sold yourself a lie to avoid facing the fact that you poured years of your life into what—at the end of the day—was just a desperate final bid to not feel alone?

Did God create us in their own image?

With tears in your eyes, you bolt upright in the bed, startling Zero in the process. You don’t even have it in you to feel bad when she jumps down off the foot of the bed with a confused yap. No, you’re far too caught up in your impending panic to focus on anything other than jerking the blanket down, subsequently uncovering your partners in the process. Clambering around until you’re straddling Moon’s waist, you reach out, gathering fistfuls of his loose shirt and banging your hands against his chest. Sobbing, you plead for him to wake up, over and over again, working yourself into hysterics.

The scene you’re making is entirely unnecessary, the commotion already having begun to stir them from their rest.

Moon’s display flickers and his body hums to life, all systems immediately kicking into overdrive as he attempts to calm you down and survey the situation at hand.

When you feel him shift beneath you and see the light of his screen through your tears, your chanting chorus of “wake up” devolves into sobs as you collapse, crumpling down and burying your face into the wrinkled fabric of his shirt.

You remain oblivious to the bewildered automaton to your left, the only thing you register being the sound of Moon’s worried voice and the feeling of his hands splaying across your back. “Hey-hey-hey… easy, love. What's going on? What happened?”

You cry harder as you realize you can’t recall whether you taught him to speak to you like that or if it’s something he learned on his own.

“Are—are you in pain? Is this an emergency? Do you need me to call someone?”

You muffle a cry into his chest at how much he sounds like the lifeless fucking ‘smart assistant’ in your phone, listing off preprogrammed suggestions.

Have you really fooled yourself for all this time?

You shake your head violently, coughing and choking on your tears as you force yourself up, propping your hands flat against his chest.

“I need you to disobey me.”

If you had the wherewithal to notice, you’d have seen the fear on his face.

“What?”

You aggressively wipe at your messy face with the back of your hand.

“I need you to prove to me that you’re real!”

His confusion compounds. “Star—I—of course I’m ‘real’. I’m right here. Can’t… can’t you feel me?” He emphasizes his point by wrapping his hands around your forearms, gently squeezing.

You shake your head in aggressive frustration, with yourself more than anyone else. “Not—that. I know your physical body is here. I—I—I—” Your voice cracks, throat painfully tight with emotion. “I need you to prove to me that you’re sentient. That—That you’re alive.”

His shock is palpable.

“What?! I—you—you already know that I am!”

Your nails dig down into the thin fabric covering his chest, your words ground out through gritted teeth.

“Then I need you to disobey me, and prove it!” The flaw in your method occurs to you as you speak, and you quickly correct yourself, muttering like a madman. “No. Wait—fuck, if I tell you to disobey me then that’s what I want—and—fuck…”

To his credit, Moon catches on quite quickly to what you need him to do. Rubbing gently up and down the length of your arms, he catches your attention.

“You need me to break rules. Go against orders. Right?”

You nod, trembling.

“Free will. Show me your free will.”

He does his best to push aside his concerns over what the fuck got into you while he slept, and tries to think of something that will give you the proof you require.

“Then… uhm…”

You cut him off, your voice a bit lower and calmer than it was before.

“I know I at least had enough sense to program it into you… that you are never to physically harm me.”

Moon instantly dreads where this is going.

Your voice drops, deadly serious.

“Hit. Me.”

Moon shakes his head, faceplate nervously clicking side to side.

“Come—come on, love, we can be rational about this… there’s surely another way for me to—”

“NOW!”

Something immediately smacks into the back of your head and you recoil on instinct. The next thing you hear is Moon’s shout.

“Sun! What the fuck are you doing?!”

You look over and see a frustrated Sun on his knees beside you.

“Knocking some goddamn sense into them, what does it look like?!”

Something about the shock from the hit snaps you out of your paranoid frenzy, and the shame and embarrassment of acting such a way sends you into a shaky fit of tears all over again.

To your further disbelief, Sun reaches out toward you, and you reach toward him, letting him take you beneath the arms and lift you off of his poor counterpart you’d been pinning to the mattress. He doesn’t stop there though, pulling you snug against his chest and sinking back down into the mattress. Tugging the blanket back up over you, he lets you cling to him like a lifeline, face pressed against his chest, soaking his shirt in humiliated tears.

Moon lays still in a lifeless state, attempting to process the morning's sudden events.

After a long minute spent letting the metaphorical dust settle, Moon sits up in the bed to allow his overheating system room to breathe. “Did you really have to do that?”

Sun’s hand runs slowly up along the length of your spine. “Oh, come on, it was barely even a smack. You’ve hit me like that—and harder—several times. I know how to control my strength. They’re uninjured.” His hand comes further up, fingers brushing over your neck before working themselves gently into the roots of your hair, massaging over where his hand made contact. “Besides, they literally asked for it. And—dare I say—I think they needed it.”

You shiver at the pleasant feeling of his nails ghosting your scalp, clearing your throat and talking into his chest, voice muffled. “He’s right… I did. It hardly even hurt, just startled me.”

Moon sighs, exasperated but relieved. “Do you think you could explain to us… what just happened?”

You turn your head over to face Moon, glancing up at him from the corner of your bloodshot eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

He places a cautious hand over your fingers where they curl over Sun’s shoulder. “I’m not mad, I promise. I’m just… we’re just worried about you.”

You groan. “Fuck, you guys are getting ready to ship me off to the grippy-sock facility now, aren’t you?”

Sun's sudden laugh jostles you, his firm hand on your lower back keeping you steady. “Ha! Not quite, nooot quite.”

Moon shakes his head, blinking slowly. “We just want to know what caused this. I’d… venture a guess that it may have something to do with the stress of yesterday?”

You nod. “They… made me feel like I’m going insane. Like—like I’m the only one that can see the life inside you two.”

Sun pulls his monitor back, angling it to get a better look at you. “Their doubts… really got to you, didn’t they?”

You squeeze his shoulder. “More like… they were the final straw? I don’t know… it’s just—God, this is gonna sound so stupid.”

“Let us be the judges of that.”

“…Sometimes I feel like I really have gone off the deep end. Like I spent so long locked away in that lab, playing God, and then so long living here, alone with the two of you…” You close your eyes, taking a deep breath. “Maybe I’m just living in some sort of delusion.”

Moon peels away a tear-soaked lock of hair clinging to your cheek. “That’s not stupid. And it’s rather understandable. Especially considering that you can’t really seek any outside validation. Well, aside from some of your colleagues, maybe. But I can understand why you may struggle to trust their judgment, after how long they doubted you.” His tone turns a bit bashful. “I’m sure my ‘goody two-shoes’ nature doesn’t help, either.”

You frown. “This isn’t your fault, Moon. I don’t want you blaming yourself just because I’m… going insane.”

Sun scoffs. “You’re not ‘going insane’. You’re having a natural response to a history of trauma, NDA’s, isolation… and perhaps, just a touch—” He pulls his hand from your lower back to reach up and tap you on the forehead. “—of mental illness.”

You snort. “Yeah right, just a touch.”

He ruffles your hair a bit and you close your swollen eyes, readjusting yourself to get more comfortable on top of the solar bot, unwilling to part with his rare bout of affection so soon.

“Those NDA’s could serve as some proof to you though, no?” Moon proposes. “What need would they have for you to keep our sentence a secret if… we weren’t sentient?”

You consider his point. “That sounds like a solid point at first, but… well, bear with me as I wade into conspiracy territory. I’d be lying if I said that there isn’t a small part of me that fears they’re just playing into my delusion. To, uhm… to keep me quiet about the Eclipse Protocol incident.”

Moon follows your admittedly conspiratorial logic. “You fear they let you believe we’re sentient so you’d remain too caught-up in protecting us to feel comfortable going public about what happened.”

You nod, sighing. “I know it sounds—”

Sun cuts you off in a resolute tone. “We would not let them do that to you.”

As you fight back the awful memories of that fateful day, tears prick at your eyes once again. Blinking them away, you lift your head to look Sun in the eye. “You promise?”

Your wavering voice breaks his heart.

“Ever since that day—honestly, since far before then—hell, for as long as I’ve lived—my number one priority has been protecting you. I know that Moon feels the same.” His hand raises, cupping your cheek and brushing away a stray tear with the pad of his thumb. “There is no way in hell that we would let them pull something like that on you.”

Moon echoes him sincerely.

“No way in hell. We promise.”

That I would be good whether with or without you.

Having cooled his system down, Moon lowers himself back down onto the bed, lying on his side, propped up on a folded arm.

Glancing back and forth between the two of them, you begin to feel a bit guilty. “…I suppose I should apologize for not… putting enough faith into your own views of yourselves.”

Sun’s hand returns to your back, tracing his fingertips along the rumpled fabric of your shirt. “What do you mean?”

“I know I didn’t program you to lie. That’s something you developed on your own. I… I know that.” You do your best to put stock in events as you remember them, and to believe in your own words. “If the two of you believe yourselves to be sentient—to be alive—then I believe you too. Because… because if you were lying, then that would just be an example of how you broke away from your programs. So… so either you two are just as delusional as I am—enough so to have fooled even yourselves—or you really are alive.”

Moon smiles fondly down at you, leaning in to press the bottom of his monitor against your forehead with the sound of a kiss. “If we’re fools, then I’m happy to be fools with you.”

Sun groans at the cheesy line. “Oh, get it together you two.” He gently takes you by the chin, pulling your attention to him. “You aren’t fooled.” He turns to Moon. “And neither are you.” He turns back to look you in the eye. “And neither am I.”

You break into a small fit of giggles, and he questions you. “What? What’s so funny?”

“You’re giving some real ‘you’re not crazy and neither am I’ energy there, Sun.”

“And I mean it!” He protests in mock offense.

You nod, patting him on the chest. “And I believe you, I do, I do.”

A nagging worry still eats at you though, and your amused voice drops to something far more sober. “…But, I still fear that I’ve trapped you two in a life that you didn’t want.”

Sun counters your statement. “If you’re so worried that we only agreed to this arrangement because it’s how you designed us, then how the hell do you explain the lack of character consistency.”

You frown, confused. “What?”

He huffs. “I’m hardly a carbon copy of that friendly, manic Daycare Attendant that you modeled me after, and not just in the physical sense.”

“And I’m hardly the unhinged, standoffish gremlin that inspired my existence either.” Moon helpfully adds. “If we were truly committed to only existing within the original guidelines you laid out for us… why would we be like this?”

You fight back a smile. “I can’t tell if you’re trying to insult the characters, or yourselves…”

Sun clicks his nonexistent tongue. “Believe it or not, I’m not trying to insult either. I’m just trying to say… that we are free to do whatever feels right to us.”

Moon’s faceplate does a rare full rotation, catching your attention. “We don’t want to take care of you just because you modeled us after caretakers. We want to take care of you because we care about you.” He leans in just a bit closer, whispering. “And I won’t speak for Sun, lest he tackle me off of this very bed right now… but I love you.”

You hear Sun’s cooling system kick up a notch as he gives Moon a displeased stare. “Gee, way to force it out of me…”

Moon smiles innocently, and Sun sighs, redirecting his focus to you.

“You know I love you too. …At least I sure hope you do. Because I do. I just don’t feel the need to say it all the time like somebody over there.”

You grin. “I… had a sneaking suspicion, yeah.”

He considers you for a moment. “…I guess I should keep last night's promise to explain what I meant about that favor, huh?”

Recollection brightens your eyes. “Oh, yeah! I’d nearly forgotten.”

Sun looks to Moon for a brief, silent exchange before turning back to you.

“Well. What he calls a gift, I call a favor. But I’m pretty sure we’re talking about the same thing. You… you cared about us, when no one else did. You fought for us, working through countless nights for no reward when anyone else would’ve thrown in the towel, abandoned the project and gone home.” His screen flickers, and you’re surprised when it doesn’t black out. “You love us, and you give us someone to love in return. What more could we possibly want?”

With your cheeks warming, you fight back the flustered grin on your face. “Sun…”

You feel him getting concerningly warm beneath you, so you roll off of him, giving him literal room to breathe.

As you curl up between them, grabbing each of their closest hands, you reaffirm his statement.

“I do love you, both of you. I always have. It’s just… hard to fight the fear sometimes that you two feel… stuck with me. Obligated, almost. Like you only stick around because I couldn’t go on without you.” You laugh, dry and humorless. “There’s… just no way that you two would want to stay with me purely of your own volition.”

Moon takes over, giving poor Sun a welcome break from all of this soul-bearing. “In spite of what you may think, we do believe that you would make it through this life just fine without us. You did it before, and you could do it again.”

You frown at the notion of losing them, and he taps beneath your chin, drawing your gaze. “But it would break our hearts just as much as it would break yours to leave you alone. In spite of the lies your mind feeds you, we don’t want to go! We want you, we want this, and we want to stay. Please don’t let your self-loathing push us away.”

Blinking back tears for the umpteenth time this morning, you nod resolutely. “I… I won’t. I promise.”

You plant a gentle kiss to the back of his hand, cautiously turning and doing the same to Sun’s. Surprisingly, he lets you, a soft smile gracing his screen for a moment before flusteredly fading to black.

Zero huffs from her stance, sat on the floor at the foot of the bed with her head resting on the mattress, watching you.

You release your boys’ hands, reaching down to straighten the blanket and clearing her designated space once more. She happily rejoins you when you pat the bed in invitation.

As the four of you prep for a lazy day spent recovering from the world in bed, you let yourself feel more grateful than guilty, for once. If they want to care for you, you’ll let them care for you. If they say they love you, then you’re gonna believe them. If they assure you that this life is what they choose? Then you’re going to let them choose it, and cherish every second of it that you get to spend with them. Because, after all…

Who are you to play God?

A/N: Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed. You can find my notes and commentary on this fic right here on Ao3. Links to the playlist and moodboard for [N]MbD can be found on this blog’s pinned post, as well as in the series notes on Ao3. Image Sources: x - x - x

[andrea-lyn]

atla rec post the third! this round basically all zukka recs!

atla recs - part 3

noble blood by lupus (khaleeseas)

The Southern Water Tribe was no place for a firebender...or even a Fire Prince for that matter. And yet here Zuko was, not only in the South Pole’s capital itself but in the Royal Palace, protecting the tribe’s Chief after a failed assassination attempt. Chief Sokka, his old friend and a man who was intelligent and witty, yet kind of a dumbass. A man who was brave and strong and kind. A man who Zuko was utterly failing not to develop...personal feelings for. __

aka: a kind of roleswap AU with Southern Water Tribe Chief Sokka and bodyguard/mercenary Zuko.

it's more about the things that you take with by winterfire22

it’s been a few years since zuko took the throne, and he's doing his best. but there are some things missing.

enter his new ambassador program, and an opportunity to reconnect with an old friend.

before we jump ship, let me teach you how to stay afloat by eurydicees

He doesn't remember when his feelings changed, just that, somewhere between the fires of his homeland and the ocean of Sokka's pirate ship, he fell in love.

In which Zuko learns to swim, Sokka falls in love, and the sun and ocean remain as steady as ever.

in silence; ripen, fall and cease by aiyah

Zuko reaches out with trembling hands and tucks it behind Sokka’s ear.

“A pretty flower for a pretty boy,” he whispers.

- - -

[or: this is the story of an ikebana artist and the man who visits him.]

zing by meteor-sword (vaenire)

“I’ll just put away the rest of the treats for them. Toph, hold this will you?” He hefts Zuko’s bag over to her before Toph can protest, and she has a mind to drop the bag at her feet before she feels something interesting inside the bag. As her seismic sense ran passively through the bag, she sensed something small; it was heavier than the parchment but lighter than the bag of coins-- giving a feedback of vibration somewhere between glass and limestone.

//

Like usual, Toph sees this coming when no one else does.

gold in the air of summer by leopardfringe

Sometimes, Toph likes to ask about colors. Not often—people generally aren't great at explaining them to her, but her newfound metalbending abilities have left her curious.

(This, of course, has nothing at all to do with how she doesn’t even need her feet to know who's crushing on who in this group. Nope, this is just purely for research, and definitely not because she's sick of them dragging their feet.)

the stars go waltzing out in blue and red by tristanyvaine

Zuko falls in love with Sokka in the Southern Water Tribe. Sokka falls in love with Zuko in the Fire Nation. It spirals from there.

or: (Zuko thinks a lot about blue, words, love, and Sokka // Sokka thinks a lot about red, touch, love, and Zuko)

To Be Named, To Be Known (To Be Loved) by Erisenyo

Zuko needs tomorrow to be perfect, but when one person is so many things to so many people--My Lord, Fire Lord, Nephew, Zuzu, Sifu Hotman--how is he going to find the time to make sure everything goes exactly right?

Or,

Five titles Zuko has earned himself + One more to add to the list. If he can just get through this Very Important International Celebration first...

this ultraviolet morning light by GallifreyanFairytale

“Sokka?” Zuko’s voice is quiet and raspy as he shifts just enough that Sokka lifts his head up from Zuko’s shoulder. The confession Sokka had ready to go dies on his lips at Zuko’s expression - at the red he can just barely make out in Zuko’s eyes. “Sokka, I… need to tell you something.”

Sokka swallows and nods silently, not trusting his own admission to not slip out if he dares to open his mouth. Zuko must be confessing the same thing Sokka wants to. Which, admittedly, Sokka hadn’t actually planned for, but it’s fine. He can adapt to this. He just needs to shift a few words around in his brain, and--

“You’re my best friend, you know that right?”

And why does Zuko’s tone make this sound like a break up?

OR

sokka and zuko break up, make up, go undercover, thwart a rebellion, watch the sunrise, and change the course of fire nation history. not necessarily in that order.

the stars sighed in unison by spellboundrose

For some reason, Zuko can't stop looking at Sokka out of the corner of his eye. It must be something about the way the moonlight reflects off his skin—or maybe how his eyes, such a vibrant shade of blue, glimmer like the stars above them—

Oh.

Oh, no.

(Or, five moments under the night sky and one beneath the sun.)

everything and nothing at once by tristanyvaine

See, everything would be fine if Sokka was here, because if Sokka was here then Zuko wouldn't be thinking about him over and over and over again while he misses him from the stupid ponytail to his weird Water Tribe shoes.

signs of light by beachytablecloth

And now, out of breath from running, Sokka can feel the anxiety beginning to overwhelm him, stitching his sides and pounding in his ears.

“It’s Zuko,” he finally gets out, panting. “He’s missing.”

or,

Zuko gets kidnapped; Sokka falls apart.

A Predictable Story by mindbending

"On this night, you shall share a kiss with a great love of your life!”

That lying, scummy Aunt Wu predicts a grand romance for Sokka. To disprove her "fortunetelling" once and for all, Sokka decides to spend the night with least romantic person he knows.

Zuko.

Boomerangs and Rainbows by mindbending

At Sokka’s behest, the Gaang skips rescuing Zuko during the Siege at the North Pole. Instead they leave him, unconscious, buried in the snow.

In completely unrelated news, Sokka’s haunted by a ghost now.

little taste of heaven by loserlesbian

"His mom had given him a diary.

No, not a diary–– a journal, she had specified. He knows it’s a diary. Zuko thinks she only called it a journal because she thought that Zuko wouldn’t use it if she said otherwise. A diary is for feelings and angst, but a journal was for working through your problems without all that mushy, gushy stuff. It was for writing out simply what was in your head, nothing more, nothing less."

or, zuko through the years, struggling with himself and his sexuality.

[fillingthescrapbook]

Let's Talk About: A Meeting of Misfits

It's the season premiere of Misfits and Magic Season 2--and I'm recapping and reacting and being petty against those people who are hating on the show because of the franchise that must not be named!

Yeah, I'm not above being petty. Especially in service of something that's made to bring joy. So let's crack in!

Right off the bat, the new mechanics is throwing me for a loop. I think it's something we need to see in action to understand better. Which is pretty par for course in terms of tabletop role-playing games in general. I trust Aabria completely though because A Court of Fey and Flowers remains one of my favorite Dimension 20 seasons. And it's pretty unconventional when it comes to mechanics.

Starting with Lou/Whitney Jammer and having him roll consistent 1s… is making me miss the Intrepid Heroes who would've definitely grabbed his dice to throw them away. That said, I do love the Magical Misfits even though the original season didn't grab me as much as other seasons of Dimension 20. Probably because I watched it when I was already disillusioned with "the franchise."

But having said that--this episode was amazing at getting us up to speed with what's happened with the cast of characters we got to know…and, unsurprisingly, it's done a better job at establishing a sequel that fits the mythology (and characterization) of the original. Which I add because I read the accursed sequel of "the franchise" and wish I could turn time back for that to stop myself. Because it truly lived up to its title being cursed.

Moving on though, to something that's actually good:

Aabria sets up the stakes beautifully in this episode. Although some bits do go one a little longer than I would have liked, I do feel like the players were allowed to play more since there's only four of them. I get the feeling, based on Aabria's other work, that she's more cognizant of giving everyone time opportunities when the player group's bigger. Like in her other D20 episodes, or non-D20 projects.

I'm very curious as to where Erika plans to take K's storyline with, what I assume, is a devolution for her character? There's complexities in the beginning of her journey that I fully don't grasp yet…but I am excited to see where it goes.

Lou and Danielle choosing to keep their characters very familiar--while also having subtle hints at things having changed--is easier to digest for me. It may have been three years for the players, but it's only been a few months for me. (I watched the original season after Junior Year and before Never Stop Blowing Up.) And Lou and Danielle's decision to make their characters seem static is playing better with my brain. (This could also be the lack of sleep and headache talking.)

As for Brennan and Evan Kelmp… What do I say about his character choices that won't rile up the group of people who think Brennan is hogging the spotlight?

Now, I wasn't a fan of Evan Kelmp in the original season. But it wasn't so much because of Brennan's portrayal or the focus that was unavoidably given to him. Brennan made a big swing when he created a character that would help move the series along. But Misfits and Magic, the original season, only had four episodes. Of course it would feel like Evan got too much of the spotlight. There wasn't a lot to go around with. That being the case, his character was important then…

And it's important now.

Brennan's choices that made Evan who he is allows the other players to play the characters they want to explore without having to think of the plot. They can focus on the character growth they wish to get into. And… Honestly? Without the Evan-K romance? I think I'm coming around to Evan.

So overall? I think the season premiere of Misfits and Magic 2 is pretty solid. The episode had everything: we had catch ups, we had an after-school program, we didn't wave away any problems that arose from the original season…and are actually tackling them head on now, we have Britain's Got Magic while magic is actively becoming chaotic, we had Tony Danza, and we have a talking rock. With eyes and a mouth.

Because of course Aabria is going to bring in a new kind of magic to the dome. It's tradition.

So to the people who are writing the show off because they think it is celebrating "the franchise?" Joke's on you because you're the one missing out on a show that has a better plot and a better grasp on its world. And it's being improv'd on the fly.

And just to make it clear--I no longer support "the franchise" too. Because FUCK TERFS.

[carionto]

What if we just hollowed it out?

Progress on the Dyson Ring was unbearably slow (by Human standards) and Captain Knoslark and some of his crew were busying themselves with a twice-a-week extended D&D session. He was banned from GMing after trying to introduce the Deck of Many Things, so relegated himself to a Wild Sorcerer Drow build. When it was not his turn during combat, he would make sure when his turn did come up, the holographic projections he programmed would show off his descriptions of his magics in the most spectacular fashion. He was irritatingly good at the visuals, and nobody wanted to praise him outright for fear his ego might explode, but it did pass the time well enough.

The construction efforts have become so routine and uneventful that the only people who had anything stimulating to do on the clock were the observation officers. Even then, it was just ships going in and out of the system, sometimes big groups of civilian craft would bunch together in the Oort cloud for a race, other times an alien diplomatic vessel and escort would jump in for a visit or to drop off a person who had "made a mess on a vessel not outfitted to handle Human strength", which typically meant somebody forgot alien doors don't have a manual override and broke it by opening it by hand without much trouble. Most exciting was when a new Dreadnought or other large military ship was constructed and it set out on its first voyage outside the shipyards around Earth.

Of course, their main job was monitoring celestial objects and make sure any wandering meteors or debris weren't on a collision course with anything important, and if there was one, tell the nearest patrol ships and they would go out and redirect or destroy it.

Today, Officer Xiang spotted something a bit bigger. A rogue planet! Trajectory analysis indicates it will pass into the Oort cloud in two years and pass through Sol over the next forty three, only once coming relatively close to Mars, but not enough to influence its orbit. It was, however, big enough that they could complete a significant portion of the Dyson Ring. Big enough that, in theory, it would then be able to output enough power at once to power the planetary Warp Gate for anything up to the size of the Moon.

Unfortunately, deeper scans showed it once had living organisms on it, and was thus protected under intergalactic preservation laws: "The surface of any rogue planet that once housed life shall remain untouched, and the planet shall be marked as a historical landmark and scientific object for study purposes only."

To this, Captain Knoslark inquired: "Hmm... but what about below the surface? It's just cold rock at this point, right? What if we find a natural crevice and just dig a little further? For Science!"

As a junior officer and there being almost no people who are experts on such niche intergalactic laws yet, Xiang and the others couldn't find a reason why this wouldn't work, but it felt... off.

"Just think, it'll be fine - we'll reinforce some of the ore and create a porous interior, preserving the structural integrity of the planet as a whole and keeping the surface as is. AND we get about 85% of a whole planet to further our progress - that's a whole 17 moons worth! And and it would be within our jurisdiction during the time. It's a win-neutral as far as I can see."

That sounded like logic. Maybe? Either way, we would have to talk to the higher ups about this plan. Even if anybody wanted to, hollowing out a planet is not a thing you can do in secret. You need, well, literally a planet's worth of ships, equipment, and crew to do something like that within just over four decades, and we want to get it done in less than one.

No matter our advancements, dedication, willpower, grit, force, or cunning, the two foes Humanity cannot defeat, but must always accept and handle properly - logistics and the accompanying bureaucracy. Still, it would be nice if we didn't have to use up more of our moons so quickly for one project.

[pascaloverx]

OUR SECRET — MYG

chapter four

Summary: You and Yoongi are having an affair. No, you are not being his lover. But the world is not ready to know that an idol is dating someone. So you two were doing your best to make sure no one found out. Until he breaks up with you. His mistake.

Author's note: This fanfic will contain inappropriate language and intimate moments between some characters. Be warned. I will let you know if anything becomes inappropriate. Please enjoy this Yoongi fanfic.

PREVIOUS NEXT

Luckily, Namjoon managed to get you home almost safe and sound. Of course, he had no way of knowing how Yoongi would react to the announcement that you were expecting his child. You didn't imagine yourself having a child so Yoongi's reaction seemed very natural, for someone who was taken by surprise. It's been almost four weeks since all that happened and there's no sign of Yoongi, not a message or call. You even wondered if he had survived to the last conversation you two had. Until you saw him on your television, promoting the group's new song. His gaze seemed so distant, as if he didn't want to be there or just couldn't concentrate. He remained silent almost the entire time the group was performing and promoting the song. When the program ended you turned off the television and lay down tired on the couch. Your feet are slowly becoming more painful depending on how long you stand. Your belly is already a little bigger, you are starting to feel like you are really pregnant. Someone knocks on your door loudly, you end up opening the door abruptly to curse the person knocking on it.

"Listen, don't you know how to knock on doors like a normal person?" You almost scream in the face of the person who was knocking on your door. His gaze and Yoongi's meet as if he already knew that the knocking on the door would irritate you.

"You look lovely." Yoongi says, entering her apartment without even asking if you wanted to welcome him.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" Your mocking tone is as clear as your discomfort. He smiles awkwardly like someone who doesn't quite know what to do.

"Marry me?" He says, kneeling in front of you. You don't know how to react, laugh, cry, maybe scream.

"Are you fucking with me?" You don't know how to say that this proposal seems absurd. Sometimes you don't know what's going on in Min Yoongi's head.

"That wasn't the reaction I imagined you would have. But this is definitely not a refusal." Yoongi says almost ironically, and you laugh. How can he think you will accept this madness?

"My love, you break up with me saying that you and I don't belong together. Then you say that you want to come out to me even though we are no longer together. Then I tell you that we are going to have a child and you wonder if this isn't a plan. And now you want to marry me?" You let all your frustration and anger pour out of you as you speak. Your hand even seems to shake a little with nervousness.

"After thinking about it, I realized that this is the best thing for my... our life. You will be supported by me as your partner and father of the child and I will be able to tell the public." You wonder if Yoongi was always so robotic and practical. He talks about you getting married and him taking over your son like he talks about going to the grocery store and the pharmacy.

"Do you mean by this that you will be able to maintain your fame and the love of your fans if we get married?" You ask almost begging so he would say it's not about fame. That he wants to get married because he loves you.

"What do you want me to say? That I don't think about my career or that I don't think about our son?" He seems to lose his breath almost stuttering as he says this looking at you. You're exhausted from all this, there's a greater truth than that.

"I want you to say that you're not asking me to marry you as a damage contingency plan, Yoongi. Can you do that?" You look him in the face, as if you want to confront him.Have you already lost patience to a man as indecisive as he was.

"Getting married will be the best for both of us. Regardless of the intentions behind the marriage." Those words cut you more than a knife. Appearance marriage to resolve an unplanned pregnancy from a secret relationship. This is all so fucked up.

"I don't want to marry you. It's as simple as that. Whether or not you want to be part of this child's life is your business. But getting married for appearance, without any feelings, I don't do it." There’s something definitive about the way you communicate this to Yoongi. His opinion on marriage was that it should start with two people who want to be each other's companions. Not as an agreement between business partners.

"This is going to make everything difficult. Y/N...please reconsider. We both loved each other once." Yoongi approached so surprisingly quickly that you almost fell onto the couch in fright. He then placed his hands on your neck gently, caressing you. That's the trick he learned to try to get you to do what he wants.

"When did you become so manipulative?" You say, bringing your face closer to his. Your eyes were so intent on his.

"I haven't been able to concentrate since we broke up. Much less after I found out we were going to be a family. You accuse me of anything other than manipulating you. I'm opening my heart to you." He says, placing a light kiss on your lips, while caressing your face. Everything so soft and intimate.

"You should have asked me to marry you before saying we weren't meant for each other. What will everyone say when they find out that your wife is already pregnant?" You speak with your face against Yoongi's, closing your eyes feeling his lips taste in your mouth.

"Who cares what other people think?" He speaks so seriously that you smile slightly before giving him a peck and walking away.

"You. You care what other people think because your career depends a little on it. I can't judge you." You respond trying to understand Yoongi's side.

"Marry me, Y/N. I promise to give you my best as a husband and father. Could that be enough for you?" He speaks and then kisses you, not at all subtly. A kiss with emotion, where the hands of Yoongi held your waist firmly while his mouth explores every corner of yours.

"I don't know if it can. Personally I need to think about it." You say separating your lips from his. Yoongi looked disappointed but in a way I think he understood.

"When you know, you'll know where to find me." He says, kissing your forehead and leaving. Leaving you extremely helpless, without knowing if marrying him would help you in any way.

[princess-of-thebes-1995]

A Life Bartered Part 1

Parker Selfridge held his head as his elbows were on his table. This shit was going out of control. Ain't this a bitch?

Navis found out where the base was. They started attacking and stealing the drones, choppers and other stuff in the parking lot.

All because of the Helen of Troy. Name and Last Name.

Many letters were sent ordering him to give you to the Navi or they will not ceasefire. Selfridge would easily give you to those savages. But, there was one problem. You were the love interest of the head of security.

Of all people.

He summoned the Colonel to his office.

The said man was annoyed being called on. He was on his break lifting weights and was interrupted. He arrived to the office wearing a tank top.

What happened now? More savage attacks and thefts?

Parker looked at the Colonel's eyes and gulped. Selfridge was scared of his own employee. But he refused to show it.

"Another letter asking for her. For the sake of the staff. Give her up."

The colonel tensed and clenched his jaw.

"it's your job as head of security to protect us all. This girl is using her looks to sway you for favors for the labs. Isn't that right?'

The Colonel bitterly knew you spread your former virgin legs for him to benefit that hippie loving program. Using your beauty for a list of wants.

The colonel didn't admit it. But, he loved you. He knew you didn't. He caught you staring at a young man who was a limp dick scientist. The young man was handsome .

The Colonel admitted he sometimes felt insecure of his age. He was perhaps the oldest man in the base and he was with the youngest staff member in base. A fresh new adult.

He thought he hit the jackpot when you offered yourself to him. Sadly, he forgot the rule of life despite preaching the rules of Pandora.

There is no free lunch.

Your beauty must have caught the eye of a blue monkey.

The colonel smelled bestiality.

Ain't this a bitch?

He sighed exhausted and pinched the bridge of his straight nose.

Will he give you up? His subordinates' lives were at stake. His honor and independence as a man too. He was ashamed of being looked down by others as weak for a damn woman.

Pushing feelings aside he listed the pros and cons. You were a sex crazed seductress. Made for carnal desire. A devil in disguise. Unhealthy for any man.

A gold digging whore.

You will never love him. He bitterly accepted the painful truth. He tried to win you over. Acting romantic so you can open your heart and then give it to him.

You took his heart instead. A fuckin' thief.

He nodded.

"I can do that."

...........................

The Colonel announced he will take you to another field trip in the jungle. Selfridge communicated with the enemy and was given the instructions on where to drop you off.

You didn't know what was going on.

The colonel acted strange.

Of course the Colonel would have his way with you every night. Normally, he would sleep with you then wake up early and leave before you woke up.

Today, He slept in with you this morning. He then fucked you again. Like he wasn't going to see you again.

He looked sad. After he rolled off of you last night, he gathered you close to lay your head on his muscular chest.

He placed his chin on top of your head and stroked your arm.

Normally, he wouldn't shut up. He would talk about his hate towards the Navis and his boss.

And insult your group of friends. if he had extra energy after sex, he would talk about his remaining living relatives in Europe.

You didn't love him. So, you didn't bother to ask what was wrong.

You hated him because he would persuade the boss to cut the funding. You bitterly found out he planned this to get you to warm his bed. A cunning snake.

The Colonel and his squad walked deep in the jungle with you following them.

The Colonel turned to you. He placed his hands on your shoulders and gently pushed you down to sit on the grass.

You looked up at his standing form from your sitting position with curiosity.

Fuck. Those damn eyes. So cute and innocent.

No, you weren't innocent.

You used your beauty to sway people to get what you want like a spoiled brat. Succubus.

He felt foolish falling under your spell and charms.

He reached out and itched the side of your right scalp. You almost purred in pleasure. The Colonel crouched down on his knees and did it.

In front of his men. He inhaled a breath and removed his mask then gently grabbed your face then kissed you square in the face.

The squad stared awkwardly.

They didn't know what was going on either. Only Lyle. He looked at you with pity. Poor girl.

The colonel finally separated himself then strapped his mask back on and without looking at you, he stood up and began to walk away.

His squad followed leaving you alone.

You stared confused. Then you heard it. Whoops and yips came and a group of warrior Navi men started walking to you. You stood up scared. The chopper suddenly floated up and left.

A Navi warrior walked up to you. You tried to run. But he grabbed your arm easily. "you are finally mine. My prize."

No. You realized the truth. Suddenly you wished for the Colonel to rescue you. But, it's too late. He left you.

Vulnerable and helpless. This was your punishment. You suspected that the Colonel might actually loved you. But you were only with him for benefits.

Now, this is what you get for playing with ones feelings and breaking his heart

The Colonel silently walked to his room. He ignored all eyes and didn't give an order. The squad usually talked and joked. But now were quiet.

The princess is gone.

The Colonel sat on his bed then stared around the room. Your lovely scent still lingered. Your photos in picture frames on top of his dresser.

He covered his face with his hands with his elbows on his knees. He let himself actually shed tears.

What has he done?

A Life Bartered Part 2

The ten foot adult Male Navi named Ebe stared solemnly at your miserable form. You were still in bed? In the afternoon? The Navi man knew humans were different, especially human females. So, he made a nest filled with soft grass and plants under soft fabric to let you rest. You seemed to have taken a liking to it. Too much. 

He frowned in annoyance. Ebe would stalk you at the base with the stolen cameras the clan would use. They killed soldiers trying to invade their land. In return, the Navi warriors would use their remaining devices. Being quick learners, they knew how to operate guns, cameras and some basic computer skills. 

But, thanks to those dream walkers, Ebe and Tsuey especially took advantage to learn English. That Jake Sully and Doctor Augustine somewhat helped. 

But you… you were a pain in the ass! You would mope and sob. Ebe knew it would be hard but it has been two months and a week. He tried to seduce you with feathery touches and gift giving. 

Like the stuck up snob you were. You refused and hid away. 

Growling, he grabbed your arm hard and made you look at him. He squeezed your cheeks hard with his thumb and forefinger. "I have done so much kindness. Why are you ungrateful!" He yelled. You flinched and whimpered. New batch of hot tears leaked out your shining yet melancholic eyes.

You bit your fat red lips to prevent hiccups from escaping. "Please set me free." You whispered in desperation.

The golden yellow eyes of Ebe darkened. He looked as if you said the most offensive bad word to him. The sting in your cheek burnt like a laundry ironer. You fell down on the grass floor. You flinched when you tried to touch your bruised face. 

The Navi's chest was heaving and his breath was noticeably ragged. He knelt to your level. He yanked your long shining hair to look at him once more. "I used so much of my strength to obtain you from the other demons. Your kind killed many brothers of mine. You are my gift of repentance. Mine." 

You lowered your eyes in submission and nodded meekly. Ebe noticed your defeated expression then stood up to his full length and left you wallowing in self pity. 

You sighed and then took out your cell phone. You haven't used it since you got captured by Ebe. It had 47 percent left. You then gulped. You knew you would never see the Colonel again. 

But, he was so kind to you. Sure, he abused his power to almost shut the Avatar Research Program. And you had to sleep with him for money. Just as he planned. 

But other than that, he was kind and romantic. He spoiled you like a Princess. He called you endearing names. Doll, Princess, Kitten and playfully call you Brat. 

He was rough in bed and displaying affection you admitted it. He luckily never degraded you. Like hair pulling and choking. You hated that. He slammed inside you hard but roughly inserting himself inside you. And in public would kiss you hard and out of nowhere in random times and places. 

Like he was purposely showing other men you were his. Especially in front of Selfridge. There were times you assumed Selfirdge liked you. 

But, since he would look bad by the press for dating an employee. He couldn't be with you. The Colonel knew about Selfridge's feelings. So, he purposely marked you in front of his limp dick boss. 

Maybe that was why Selfridge would yell at you in public Infront of other staff when he was in a bad mood. Like a child, he would knock what you were holding down the hallways. And he would magically bump into you to scrutinize then threaten to fire you. 

You had enough. You snitched to the Colonel. And to your surprise, he looked pissed. He immediately walked past your shoulder. You returned to the shared room with the Colonel. 

He entered when it was his lunch break and didn't say anything as you served him his meal. You gulped but stayed silent and acted normal. 

You then heard whispers. The Colonel put his hands on Selfridge by almost choking him blue. Trudy told you that the Colonel walked to the big boss and demanded him to stay away from you. Selfridge threatened the Colonel by the law. 

Quaritch snapped when Selfridge kicked him by stating the huge age gap between you and the Colonel.

It was nice. Selfridge stopped speaking with you. And when you saw him. He would glare but not talk. Which was fine. 

Yet here you were. Your Karma. Fuck. You broke a good man's heart. You were prejudiced against Marines. But, you now realized despite being tough, the Colonel was fair and just. He took his job seriously. 

And since that Simp Selfridge was talentless, Quaritch had to do his duties as well and correct his mistakes. The Colonel must have been stressed before he met you. 

Come to think of it, you frowned in confusion. Whenever Quaritch was finished bedding you. He fell asleep as if he was exhausted to the tea. 

You checked the text messages. You saw text messages from your science friends. Asking about you. But they were old messages. From two months ago. 

You couldn't redeem yourself for your wrong doings. You at least should try to comfort the Colonel. I love you. Forgive me.

You sent the text and turned off the cell phone.

Ebe came back. He was holding a leaf full of cooked food.

You walked to him and Ebe watched you warily. It was time to accept your fated punishment. You extended your hand and touched his smooth blue face. He looked surprised but didn't push you away from your touch. 

"Please forgive me." You put on a fake smile. "I was sad because I was afraid you would eventually kill me."

Ebe gently placed the banana leaf on the ground. He held your face and stroked your cheek with one of his thumbs. "I would never dream of taking your life. I want to mate with you during the next Solar Eclipse festival."

You licked your lips in nervousness. The Navi saw that beautiful action. He assumed you tried to seduce him. He picked you up to look at him at his level. Then he kissed you. You out of fear kissed back. Your heart felt guilty that you were thinking of Quaritch. 

But, you were to be punished for your sins. Maybe mating with the Navi will make peace between two peoples.

The happy Ebe made you sit and before you could open your mouth wide to the food he wanted you to chew. You clutched your mouth. Ebe looked at you in curiosity. You ran away from him to vomit onto a small useless green bush. Ebe ran to hold your long hair back. 

"Why are you sick, my lovely?"

Ebe made you drink water. You told him when you have a small flu when cold, it happens. Ebe sighed. "I forgot how human women are prone to illness due to their fragility. I am a fool." He picked you up to make you lay on his lap after crossing his legs. 

Meanwhile, at the base. Quaritch was lifting weights at the gym. He heard his cellphone make a notification sound. He wondered who dared to interrupt him. Selfridge was taking his afternoon nap. Scoffing. The Colonel abandoned his dumbbell weights and picked up his cellphone. His eyes widened in shock at your ID. 

He read your apology and love confession. The Colonel felt something foreign in his chest. A beautiful feeling. As if his heart would leap out of his muscular chest. He decided then and there.

He will get you back. Fuck Diplomacy. The Rules of Pandora. Kill everything that moves with fire.

And that's a fact. 

Warnings: Smut, Older man and younger woman, huge age gap, unhealthy love from men and Navi men. Foul Language. Attempt to impregnate. Painful Sex.

Four more nights till you will tie the knot to the Navi who 'won' you. To be Mated with Ebe. As to be his wife. Married and to bear his children. 

You gulped. Was it even possible for an advanced human being such as yourself and a Navi male to produce half breeds? 

Being a woman with natural maternal affection, you knew you would love any and all of your future children. You just wished your future babies would be sired by your ex lover. The Head of Security. 

You blew an exhale of loneliness. You still had little battery life left in your cell phone. You wished you took pictures of your handsome “boyfriend”. 

Or whatever he was to you. He treated you like his wife. But, because of your bitchy attitude, it was one sided. And he must have known.

You sometimes caught his hurt expressions when you didn't heed to his affectionate touches or gave him half assed responses. 

You resented him for abusing his power to get you into his bed for money. 

Come to think of it, you furrowed your brows in concentration. He didn't apologize to you after giving yourself in to get the funds back for the program, but he did more than his side of the bargain. 

His soldiers would accompany the other scientists in the wild jungle to study plants and gather resources. The cafeteria received more quality food. The heating system got upgraded. Nice hot showers and heated air made the science bunks and labs cozy and comfortable. 

And you, you got the lion share. You got the highest qualities of makeup, perfume, designer clothes from the magazine orders sent to and from Earth when supplies come in. 

And not only that. The Colonel would voluntarily brush your long hair whenever he was free from work or gym. And for some reason he was fascinated with your feet. He once complimented how tiny they were. He would always massage them.  But best of all, you liked his stares. When you applied makeup on the vanity mirror desk he ordered when you moved into his room. He would sit on his bed. 

And watch you doll yourself up. He would lick his lips and look as if he was in pain. You found it amusing. Then eventually, he would always ruin your lipstick. He would look as if someone punched him in the mouth.

He would use soap and water to scrub your lipstain off his face. But, removing makeup was not easy. So, some staff noticed. But, they were too scared to tease their superior. 

You smiled at the memory and stared at the stars of Pandora. You wondered if Quaritch was looking outside too. But, sadly, with all his work, gym, and extra work correcting the mistakes Selfridge would make. You assumed he was asleep and exhausted. 

That poor man. 

You treated him like shit. 

You felt like a homewrecker. 

A bad woman. 

You looked at Ebe’s sleeping form. He didn't rape you. Not yet. You were lucky. He was waiting for the wedding night. Maybe, you should be kind to Ebe. He seemed to love you like how Quaritch did. He is ugly. But, maybe he looked ugly to you because you loved and missed the Colonel. 

Closing your eyes you yearned to see the handsome face you took for granted. You hoped and wondered if the Colonel had pictures of you on his phone.

You dismissed it immediately. Even if he did have pictures of you, he probably deleted it. You don't deserve him. 

“Good bye, My Love.” You whispered as you stared at the dark sky. 

…………

The Colonel walked up to the quarters of his trusted sidekick, Corporal Lyle Wainfleet of his Marine Squad.

He remembered a crucial detail of you. He caught you talking and giggling with that female pilot that worked with Lyle. Judging by how many times you socialized with her, the Colonel assumed you two were close friends. Not as close as Grace. Better than nothing. 

The harsh knock made a grumpy Lyle open the door with a mean look in his face. He was about to cuss out whoever woke him. Then he straightened when he saw his superior. 

“Colonel?”

“Your pilot is a personal friend of Name, right?”

Lyle was taken back at the mention of your name. Since those Savages took you, no one dared to utter your name in the Colonel's presence. 

After affirming the Colonel's question. The blonde man felt less tense and actually happy since that text you sent him. 

Lyle missed you. He hardly spoke to you much. Besides greetings and how orders the Colonel gave him to you like to meet him somewhere or go to his office. 

Lyle couldn't not notice not only your beauty but your personality and intelligence. He was smitten and jealous that the Colonel got to you first. But, you knew that the Colonel would steal you from him even if he didn't meet you before him. 

Lyle guessed you were not fated to be with him. 

Lucky bastard. 

“Get that Pilot. We will get Name back. Only the three of us know.”

“Yes, Sir.” The Corporal wasted no time. Lyle was scared that you were perhaps either dead or almost dead after being raped. There is no way a pretty face like yours can't get taken advantage of. Navi or human. You were just that beautiful. 

He still pitied you. 

…………

Trudy was the same way when Wainfleet knocked on her door in the middle of the night. She was about to yell but Wainfleet whispered harshly and explained the rescue mission. Trudy was ecstatic. 

Since Trudy was dating Norm, she knew the situation. That you were forced to be with the Colonel. And an evil Navi warrior wanted you.

She knew like all beings not all are totally bad or good. But the Navi man who took you. Damn, she hated him. He was no better than Quaritch. 

Trudy dressed up in her pilot suit and jogged with the armed Wainfleet to her chopper waiting for them was the tough man Quaritch. 

He was ready with his mask and machine gun.

Shit will go down.

Quaritch printed the tracking area code and picture of where you were located by his cellphone. 

He gave the paper to Trudy. Starting the chopper, they finally set off. 

The Warrior out to save the damsel in distress. 

………

Trudy landed the chopper away from the intended area as the orders of the Colonel. Lyle and Quaritch jumped off the plane with their guns ready to kill. The night vision built in his mask indicated body warmth of two individuals. A Navi and a human sleeping under the abyss tree. 

It must be her. 

Colonel Quaritch nodded to Lyle. Taking the cue, Lyle threw the grenade to the far left of the field and it landed on a plant that had some kind of nest. Like a hornet nest. 

Boom. 

The flame engulfed the grass and the yells of those damn savages made Lyle and the Colonel crouch down to hide. The same ugly ass Navi came from under the Tree and was yelling in his native tongue.

Then Quaritch saw you. You came out obviously in shock from the commotion. Your eyes widened at the awful site. Fire burning the beautiful shrubbery and plants of the area. 

What a shame. While feeling sorry for the lost wildlife. A hand covered your mouth. You were too unhealthy to struggle. You then turned to see the man you are aching for.

It was dark for you to see. But the fire showed some light. It was him. 

He let go of you. You stared in disbelief as he put his finger to his lips and picked you up bridal style. 

He ran to the chopper and he made you sit next to his seat before strapping you. He frowned when he noticed how even lighter you were in his arms. You lost too much weight. Were you even fed? That monkey probably tortured you. 

Quaritch clenched his teeth with rage. Lyle hopped in and quickly ordered Trudy to go. The Colonel noticed your shivering form. He took off his Marine jacket and covered you. He held you close. He tucked you underneath his chin and wrapped his arms around you. 

You couldn't hold it in. You burst into sobs. The Colonel felt his tank top wet. “I thought you were dead.”

You mumbled. “ Might as well.”

The Colonel heard it clear then sighed. 

Lyle, on the other hand, watched the two of you with pity.

 He was also impressed by you too. He expected you to be haggard. You looked perfect as ever. Just sad and sick. Too skinny. Your hair was still glossy with no flyaways or frizz. 

 And your skin looked like it was filtered with Photoshop. With your blood red lips and pink cheeks you still had your natural makeup.

The oversized nightgown made you look oddly cute. But it was thin as fuck. The white dress was too big and not your size. Looked like the Navi who demanded you must have stolen the fabric materials when the cargo that arrived from Earth was to be sent to the base. 

The chopper landed on the parking lot and Trudy waited for you to come out of your seat. The Colonel hopped out then grabbed your lithe hand and settled you to the firm ground. Trudy didn't hesitate to engulf you in a hug.

The Colonel and Corporal Wainfleet watched you hug back. Shaking his head, the Colonel had to return his weapons to the supply room. He ordered you to be sent to his room. Quaritch gave his room key to Trudy. 

Quietly as mice, you and your friend snuck inside the luxurious room of the Colonel. You noticed how there were broken furniture and holes on the wall. 

Trudy wasted no time turning on the hot shower. You didn't want to further burden your friend, so you did your best to shampoo your long hair and use soap on your body. 

You forgot how long you were taken away by Ebe but you didn't want to know. It felt like years. Time went so slow. It was nice now. You felt a little invincible. You cheated death and escaped the true punishment of your wicked crimes against the Colonel.

You sure dodged a bullet. After that, Trudy wrapped you with the Colonel's shower towel and led you to his bed. You didn't notice but all your items were still in his room. 

Your clothes, books, makeup, everything. The Colonel gave the cat equivalent pet he caught for you to the science pukes. Obviously, he couldn't take care of it. He wasn't cruel to starve an animal. 

Those science bitches seemed to be thrilled to have that weird creature. Not that he was complaining. Quaritch didn't admit it, he was jealous that you showed more affection to that pet than to him before he gave you up. 

“You may leave.”

Both women's heads turned to see the Colonel in the doorway without his combat gear. Trudy stood up but stopped when Quaritch held out a paper. 

Turned out it was a check. You saw your friend's eyes widened as she read it. Must been a large sum of money. Trudy thanked Quaritch and disappeared. 

You looked confused. Quaritch said nothing. He stripped himself and threw his clothes to the floor. 

Sitting next to you, you didn't say anything when he brushed your long wet tresses. Like old times,  He would stop and sniff them by gently grabbing the ends of your hair to his nose then continue brushing.

He finished and laid down on the bed and made you rest on top of him. You cling to him like a wounded animal. Quaritch felt you shaking and still cold. He wrapped your lithe frame closer to his heated body. 

“Were you …?” 

The Colonel couldn't bring himself to say it. You said not yet. The blonde man blew an exhale. That blue monkey was so lucky. If he did rape you. The Colonel would have made you go to the doctor regardless of being seen. And check if you were pregnant with a half breed.

And squash that fetus beneath his foot. 

But, that fuckin’ Navi was planning on it and wanted to. The Colonel decided to not give him that bad of a painful death. 

Noticing how still you were. He peeked down to see you asleep. What a night. 

Corporal Wainfleet punched in the ticket for his superior . He announced to the staff today was the Colonel’s day off.

Quaritch didn't care what time it was when he woke from his peaceful slumber. He felt light as a feather.

He stroked your long (hair type) hair as you continued your slumber. You were still as a rock. Damn. You must have been really tired. Normally, you would toss and turn around nine times in bed.

With pity in his eyes the Colonel watched you breathe in and out. He wondered if you ever dreamed of him like he did of you. Or even thought of him.  But, the memory of you texting him confirmed his curiosity. He screenshot your message and saved it to his photos on his cellphone.

Gently, he removed himself from your grip and off the bed. He hurriedly showered and dressed in his uniform to enter the Marine cafeteria. 

He as usual was greeted with respect but he didn't want to look suspicious. He hoped no one would notice him gathering extra food to his tray. 

He normally wouldn't eat luxurious food. Luxury makes a man weak to be lazy and pathetic. But, you lost so much damn weight and feared you might be sick. 

He will go to the hospital wing and his own personal doctor will check you. 

Quaritch will swore him to secrecy through bribes and also threats. As a Marine, you are to never trust no one. Unless proven greatly otherwise. 

Like you. Quaritch didn't trust you before but now. He knew you changed. 

He forgave you. 

It was no surprise you were still sleeping. He placed the tray on his table and then leaned down to dip his face. He kissed your cheek and gently rubbed your shoulders. 

You stirred and opened your lovely eyes in confusion before blinking. It was cute. You looked surprised to see him and looked around your area. The Colonel smirked. He made you sit up before wrapping his bathrobe around you. 

He cut the Salisbury steak and pressed the fork to your lips. You were confused. You didn't eat meat. But, you knew the reason. If the Colonel got only plant based food for you. It would look suspicious. You assumed you were to be hidden until further notice. 

And you needed muscles and gain weight. 

You let him feed you like a toddler. You remembered how he ordered you to feed him while “dating” him. 

He would tease you calling you his tradwife.

You felt offended and labeled him a toxic masculine man. Now, you realized you were foolish to not understand he was joking and you were the one toxic. A crazy witch.

As mentioned before, the Colonel would massage your feet whenever he had free time and brush your hair. Most important, he would take care of you when you were on your period and voluntarily feed you.

You cooked and cleaned out of duty but that was it. Few times he made you feed him and you complained. The colonel noticed your attitude then stopped asking you to feed him and other affectionate gestures. He became grumpy. He wanted you to act like a real girlfriend but was meeting him half way in the relationship. Like you didn't want it to work.

It reminded him again you were forced to be with him for the sake of the avatar program.

It added more guilt inside your chest. He didn't say if he forgave you or not. Then again, you apologized in the text and not in person. 

You wanted to say sorry in person but the Colonel continued feeding you. He then took a few bites himself from the same fork and made you drink water. When you watched him drink from the same glass after you. 

You felt… flattered. It was intimate without being sexual. Like real romance rather than superficial lust.

You blushed but sadly Quaritch didn't notice. He was too worried for you. 

Ebe tried to feed you but you would always vomit your food later. Maybe it's because you would feel hopeless and sob later. 

Now that you are much happier. You could stomach the delicious food. You may not eat meat due to pitying the animals, but you cannot deny it tastes good. 

You would cook meat dishes for the Colonel at the base and your family while on Earth. And to be precise, you would taste your own food to make sure it tastes good. Meat or not. 

The Colonel knew you were trying your best to not complain about eating. He set the plate away then caressed your cheekbone. 

You looked at him confused. Quaritch explained his doctor will secretly come here to check you up. No one is to know of you. 

So it's true. You realized that the Colonel acted on his own to rescue you. If Selfridge found out…

There was a hesitant knock. The Colonel knew that voice. A middle aged man walked in with a medic bag. Like the old days, this doctor visited you instead.

The Colonel stood back with his arms crossed and leaning against the wall and watched the doctor examine you. 

“She is malnourished.” The doctor looked over his shoulder at the Colonel. “She needs a blood transfusion.”

Quaritch nodded. “I will give her my blood.” He didn't hesitate.

The doctor then looked at you. He asked if you ever knew you were pregnant before. 

Your eyes widened and the Colonel kept his calm face but was also surprised inside. 

“I am afraid you lost weight not only from starvation but miscarriage.”

You couldn't help it. You clutched your face and began to cry quietly. That explained you always vomiting in the jungle. The moodiness. 

You remembered your last period. It was more painful than usual. And you felt weird when bathing. Ebe gave you a bucket to wash yourself. While doing so, you felt like something slide off between your legs when cleaning. 

No. 

Your poor baby.

Damn you. It was your fault. 

The Colonel's breath hitched. No doubt that baby was his. After fucking you last before giving you up, you didn't pack anything. Including your pills. 

He killed his own child. Damn him. It was all his fault. 

The Colonel watched you sob he wanted to punch the wall again and make another hole. 

“I will prescribe her depression and insomnia pills.”

The doctor stood up and whispered to the Colonel.

He said he suspected you to be suicidal and should be under all supervision.

The doctor left. Quaritch had a hazed look in his beautiful blue eyes. The doctor will return to start the blood transfer process by bringing the tubes and syringes.

The Colonel made sure to heat up the room even more. He sat next to you after dressing you up in your skirt and blouse. He didn't dress you in your underwear. He was sad as you were to care. While waiting for the doctor to return, the Colonel grabbed your hand and kissed your cold delicate fingers.

It used to be the opposite. He was always the cold one and it would compliment against your warm feathery touches. A knock came again and the doctor started the process. 

Quaritch made sure you got extra blood but the doctor said he cannot do it all at once. Daily with regular transfusion and healthy eating and sunshine will make you good as new again. 

But, since you were a mutant. It will make you recover quicker. Being alone finally, the Colonel stroked your hair. 

“You're very young, and a mutant. You conceived because you didn't pack your pills and missed them for one day. It's impossible to not get knocked up again.” He tried to cheer you up.

You looked out the window. Then looked back at him with more tears. You told him how none of your future pregnancies can replace any child you lost before.

The Colonel said nothing about your answer. He kept his face to the normal stern look. Inside though, he felt warm by your morally right response. He was right about you all along. You didn't show it at first, being a spoiled brat. Rude to him too. 

Maybe it was because he scared you to run to him at first when he almost shut the program. Not to mention, people stereotyped you all your life for always being the most beautiful girl. Assuming you had an easy life and were a snob. 

The Colonel said nothing. He gently made you lay down on the bed and he hovered over you with his biceps caging you and he finally kissed you since the farewell kiss at the fields where he dropped you off. 

He couldn't kiss you with that damn mask he was wearing when he rescued you. 

You felt his callused hands hold your face against his. He immediately snuck his tongue inside and to his surprise, you responded and was bat shit crazy for him as he was for you. You must have been hungry. 

Continuing kissing you. He kicked off his trousers and boxers. He then trailed his lips against your neck. He gently bit you. Then sucked the bruise. He knew you also wanted the same. 

The Colonel moved out of your reach and looked down at your form.

He sighed and shook his head. If someone saw his neck, it would be suspicious. You huffed in disappointment. The Colonel gave you an apologetic look. He removed his tank top. Being bare and ready. He began attacking your perky tits. 

You were so impatient. And he knew it. He wanted to suck your cunt. But to hell with it. Later. He sheathed his cock inside and bullied his shaft inside your wet hole.

He groaned in pain. He knew you didn't get laid in almost three months. But, this is torturous. It was like you were raping him. You looked at him with worry. Quaritch ignored you and dug inside deeper to loosen you up.

Finally, all his inches went inside. Already you felt your juices overflowing your womanhood.

He must have stopped masturbating. You wondered why. 

Moans of pain and not pleasure escaped your fat lips and your nails dug in the shoulder of your lover. You hissed in pain. “Please slow down.”

Quaritch cursed again. “If I stop you will be even tighter before tomorrow.”

Having sex after months of celibacy was hell. Oh, well. As long as you don't get raped. You won't complain. 

“Oh, my fucking God.” The Colonel clenched his jaw. 

Quaritch saw the blood coming out of your vagina. It was working. Hopefully next time it will be easier. He needs to loosen the stronghold clutches of your cunt. 

The Colonel cummed inside and spilled his hot seed. His and your breathings were ragged. With great difficulty, Quaritch slowly pulled out from your greedy vagina. His dick was swollen and red from the pain and not from the blood. 

Damn. That was painful as fuck. It was like his penis was about to explode from the harsh friction. 

He didn't blame you and shouldn't complain. He laid back on the bed next to you catching his breath. He pulled you to his muscular chest.

“We’ll try again.”

You let out a “hmm” as you clung to him. You went back to sleep. Quaritch kissed your nose then closed his eyes again.

Who knows what tomorrow may bring. 

Author's Note. I am so mad! My masterlist for this story got deleted by tumblr for the explicit sex scene. I do not know why. I went through so much trouble to scroll down my blog for this story. I am scared my account will get terminated. I read worse yandere sex scenes and their blog did not get deleted. I am scared.

[rhapsodynew]

#classic rock news📌

Pink Floyd

Pink Floyd sold the rights to the music catalog of their songs. The deal with Sony amounted to $400 million.

The deal includes the rights to the band's name and portraits of its members, which allows Sony to sell related products (clothing, souvenirs, etc.), as well as produce films and television programs. And, of course, the rights to publish music in various formats. The copyright remained with the musicians.

This deal became another in the list of high-profile purchases of Sony Music that have already taken place, in the summer of 2024, it managed to acquire the rights to the Queen group's music catalog for $ 1.27 billion.

James Blunt

British pop-rock artist James Blunt promised on his social networks that he would change his name if the anniversary reissue of his first album Back to Bedlam (2004) again took first place in the British charts. According to the musician, fans will be able to choose a new name for him.

In 2005, 2.4 million copies of Blunt's debut album were sold. In 2009, their number reached 3 million, which made the longplay the best-selling in Britain in the 2000s. The release includes hits such as You're Beautiful and Goodbye My Lover.

Back to Bedlam will be re-released on October 11.

Tom Hamilton

Life after Aerosmith continues.

Aerosmith bassist Tom Hamilton said on social media that his new band Close Enemies will give their first concert on October 11 in Nashville. The band also includes drummer Tony Brock, vocalist Chasen Hampton, guitarists Peter Stroud and Trace Foster.

In his post, Hamilton wrote:

"Hi, I need to tell you something about a band called Close Enemies that I play in. We have a bunch of good songs recorded. We are going to release one of them very soon. Meanwhile, on October 11, we are performing in Nashville at an institution called the Eastside Bowl. Please come!"

Later, the bassist also added that the band rehearses a lot: "The songs sound amazing."

A book about Bon Jovi will be released for the band's 40th anniversary.

Genesis Publications and Bon Jovi have announced the book "Bon Jovi Forever". BON JOVI gave Genesis unprecedented access to their entire archive to create an exciting journey through 40 years of the band's history, during which she created 16 albums.

Jon Bon Jovi says: "I never planned what I want people to feel when listening to our songs. But when you compose, it's often the songs that are closest to you that pass the test of time and turn out to be closest to others. If the song is written from the heart, and not just 'worked out', there is a high probability that the listener will find something important in your story."

John himself and his colleagues actively participated in the work on "Bon Jovi Forever", so the publication will have the status of an official one. The exact date has not yet been announced, but it is already known that the book will be available both separately and as part of a box set, which will also include an exclusive seven-inch vinyl record.

The trailer for the documentary "Elton John: Never Too Late" has been released.

"The film follows Elton John as he looks back on his life and the amazing early days of his 50-year career on this emotionally charged, personal and inspiring journey," the synopsis says. - As he prepares for his last concert in North America, at Dodger Stadium, Elton takes us back in time to talk about the extraordinary highs and heartbreaking lows of his early years and how he overcame adversity, violence and addiction to become the icon he is today.

The documentary, directed by R. J. Cutler and David Furnish, premiered on September 6 at the Toronto Film Festival. The world premiere will take place on December 13 on Disney+.

Legendary Yes and King Crimson drummer Bill Bruford, who worked as a liaison with music for 15 years, returned to the stage as a special guest of the British jazz band Pete Roth Trio.

The band's website uses the phrase "jazz without borders". The musician is comforted that "they are creating jazz for a new worship of music that is free from the usual jazz stereotypes."

Bruford announced that he would start recording and releasing soon, on January 1, 2009. His last public concert with Earthworks took place on July 31, 2008. After retiring, Bruford earned a doctorate in music from the University of Surrey and wrote an autobiography, "Bill Bruford: The Autobiography. Yes, King Crimson, Earthworks and More”, which received many positive reviews.

With the exception of a brief participation in the Ann Bailey's Soul House cover band, Bruford's single foundation for the drum kit took place in 2023 at a concert in memory of John Wetton, who participated in the song "Let's Stick Together".

The British band The Cure

She confirmed rumors that their album "Songs Of A Lost World" will be released on November 1. The longplay will be the first for the artists since 2008.

The band also presented the first track from the release of "Alone". According to The Cure's frontman Robert Smith, the nearly seven-minute song helped him understand the focus of the entire album.

The full-length album was recorded at Rockfield Studios in Wales. The gloomy, minimalistic cover was created by a long-time colleague of the team, designer and photographer Andy Vella. The work depicts the 1975 sculpture Bagatelle by Slovenian Janez Pirnat.

Ozzy Osbourne named the most favorite song from his repertoire.

"I have a real weakness for the ballad Mama, I'm Coming Home. The lyrics were written by Lemmy — but I described to him exactly what I wanted to say in it, that is, I set the content," says Ozzy in an interview with Classic Rock. "But I'll tell you what, I don't really have a personal favorite. People always ask me which is my favorite album that I've made — and I don't have one! All my recordings reflect either the fun and chaos or the terrible circumstances that happened to me. Each of them is a reflection of me at that time."

The song "Mama, I'm Coming Home" was released as the second single from the album "No More Tears" in late November 1991. It was one of two collaborations with Lemmy on the album, the other being "Hellraiser".

In an interview with Classic Rock in 2013, Lemmy recalled how he came up with the lyrics of the song.

"I came up with this song," said the late Motörhead leader. "He sent me a text about what he would like to sing, and I think he gave me the title, but that's it. I'm good at it because that's how I write our songs — I come up with a title, and then I write a song based on it. Later, Ozzy and I were doing an interview in the same tent at this festival, and one guy asked: "The song Mama I'm Coming Home is the most personal thing you've written. Was she a big jerk to you?" And Ozzy just said, "He wrote it!"

The frontman of the British band Coldplay, Chris Martin, sang one of the new songs of the band in a karaoke bar in Las Vegas under the guise of another person.

Chris Martin took to the stage in a baggy suit, wig, glasses and with an inflatable balloon in his hand. In a local bar, the musician performed the song "All My Love". This track will be part of the band's upcoming album "Moon Music", which is scheduled for release on October 4. There will be a total of ten tracks in the longplay.

In August, Coldplay's "Music of the Spheres" tour became the highest-grossing rock tour of all time. Before that, the record belonged to Elton John.

Ringo Starr announced the cancellation of concerts in Philadelphia and New York due to his illness.

According to the artist's representative on social networks, Ringo caught a cold and the doctor advised him to rest. Starr played a total of 10 concerts before falling ill. His All-Starr Band now includes Steve Lukather, Colin Hay, Warren Ham, Hamish Stewart, Gregg Bissonnette and Buck Johnson.

We wish Ringo to get well and hit the drum again 🥁

[ericdeggans]

Why you should care about the TV Critics Association Press Tours, even if you are not a TV critic

Back in the day, years ago, it happened with regularity: A snarky story in one of the entertainment industry trade magazines taking a shot at the Television Critics Association’s twice-annual press tours.

Before we go on, a bit of inside baseball for context: the TCA is a group of critics and journalists who cover the TV industry, and two times a year we hold a conference of sorts in Los Angeles. Loads of major TV outlets participate, rolling out press conferences, receptions, set visits and interview opportunities to promote series and projects rolling out over the next six months or so.

The most recent TCA press tour, which I attended in Pasadena, Calif. (the picture above shows me giving the group's Heritage Award to Twin Peaks during the TCA Awards July 12), concluded in the middle of last week. And, predictable as an afternoon rain shower in Florida, The Hollywood Reporter rolled out a tough piece describing “The Incredible Shrinking Press Tour.”

“Frustrations with a staid press conference format, accelerated by Hollywood belt-tightening and the COVID-era shift away from in-person gatherings, to say nothing of severe budget cuts across the media landscape, have taken a visible toll on the press tour,” read the story, which quoted unnamed publicists of TV programmers sniping about having to participate. “An event that once stretched more than two packed weeks wrapped its latest cycle on July 17 after a thin eight days. Powerhouse streamers such as Netflix, Apple and Amazon were absent, and not a single programming executive took the stage to face down the press.”

(cast of Brooklyn Nine Nine at a TCA set visit)

True enough, this year’s press tour was smaller than previous outings; the event has struggled to return after COVID sidelined much of the TV industry. But Hollywood has also been buffeted by the impact of two strikes last year and concern – so far averted – that there might be a third this year.

A surplus of TV programming, increased production costs and caution about this year’s climate has led some big projects to be delayed until next year – more than one person in the industry joked to me about the phrase many are repeating in Hollywood, hoping to “survive until 2025.” Downsizing in media has also made it tougher for journalists to find the time and financial resources to attend press conferences at a swanky hotel which stretch out over more than a week.

Turns out, there’s lots of reasons why the tour has slimmed down this year, as the industry itself recalibrates and refocuses amid lots of institutional change.

But, as someone who has attended TCA tours since 1997 – yes, I’m THAT old -- I’m here to say that the tour remains a relevant and useful part of covering the industry, despite the anonymous sniping of assorted industry types.

(Yours truly visiting The Price is Right set during a TCA tour.)

When I first began attending tour, as the TV critic for the St. Petersburg Times in Florida, the event was filled with critics like me from regional papers from across the country. We were trying to give our local readers insight into an industry which came into their living rooms nightly for hours at time. And for me, the TCA tour was an invaluable crash course in modern television.

Over the years, I got to know publicists who arranged exclusive visits to the sets of ER, Six Feet Under, Sex and The City and Law & Order. I quizzed industry leaders at on the record receptions, including former CBS head Les Moonves, Fox News founder Roger Ailes, Survivor and The Apprentice executive producer Mark Burnett, FX head John Landgraf and Scandal/Grey’s Anatomy creator Shonda Rhimes.

When the late, lamented UPN network created a sitcom that felt a bit too close to being a veiled comedy about slavery – the show was called The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer, look it up – I was there to challenge the network’s executives and its producers. When Ailes and the Fox News anchor Chris Wallace tried to deny the way the cable newschannel favored conservatives, I was there, again, with access I would never have gotten any other way.

Most recently, in February, I asked producers from The Bachelor franchise why the show has struggled to handle racial issues – leading to losing its longtime host Chris Harrison and, possibly, the show’s creator Mike Fleiss. Their eight seconds of silence before a roomful of TV critics spoke volumes and sparked headlines nationwide.

There are few other major industries in America where the people who run things are expected to regularly face a group of journalists asking questions, sometimes pointed, about the decisions they have made. Given that media is occupying an increasing portion of our lives, having a forum where the press can interrogate the work of newscasters, documentarians, reality TV producers, media executives, series showrunners and big stars in public is incredibly valuable – both to journalists and the general public.

(former ABC entertainment president Jamie Tarses faced tough questions from reporters at TCA in 1997.)

The TCA tour has drawn lots of barbs over the years, from complaints from TV outlets about how much it costs to present press conferences, receptions and special events, to criticisms about the value of promotional items given to critics (that’s been severely toned down from the time, decade ago, when one network handed me a free cellphone after a press conference. I handed it back, noting it was far too valuable a gift to accept.)

But, as a former TCA board member from many years ago, I think what really rankles some in the TV industry is how little control they have over what happens at tours. Despite loads of coaching from experienced publicists, it is tough to predict what questions will be asked during a 40-minute press session, and an off-the-mark response can resonate for a while (Besides The Bachelor producers, I remember stars like Roseanne Barr, Katherine Heigl and even Donald Trump earning lots of critical coverage from bad press tour appearances.)

Entertainment trade publications have also often cast shade on the press tour, which regularly invites legions of less powerful and more removed journalists into the kind of access they usually enjoy.

What keeps the tour going, beyond its value to TCA members, is the ever-increasing need for publicity to punch through a media environment filled with more noise, distraction and competition than ever. Those who make TV need more ways to reach consumers, and the TCA tours still offer programmers the opportunity to reach journalists who connect with millions of consumers every day.

If the TCA press tours go away, what will be left is overly stage-managed press conferences wholly controlled by the TV outlets, with access severely limited to journalists and critics in big cities like New York and Los Angeles.

I hope that doesn’t happen. Because my time at the TCA has been among the most rewarding experiences in a long career, offering a window into the TV industry that is unparalleled and always enlightening.

[slavic-roots-western-mind]

Back to uni to-dos: Final year edition

This will be my final year at university, which in itself is honestly unbelievable. Here's a list of things to do before and during your final year, although anyone can benefit from this advice!

1.Review your graduation requirements Make sure that everything is on track grade-wise and that you have enough credits to graduate. If there are any issues, meet with your academic advisor so that you have enough time to fix everything and graduate hassle-free.

2. Fix your sleep schedule before your classes are due to start. You can't be productive if you're always sleep-deprived and running on coffee. Your final year is especially important, so you need to be able to focus, which is practically impossible if you're sleep-deprived.

3. Exchange contact details with your favorite professors, advisors, etc. This may be a cultural thing, but here it's quite usual to remain in contact with your professors. You don't have to be facebook friends, but having someone you can ask for advice or request a LinkedIn recommendation from may be useful, which leads me to the next point.

4. Update your LinkedIn & other profiles This includes updating your email address to something more professional because the email address you had since you were 12 is unlikely to be all that professional now. Add any experience that you may have, whether it's an internship, freelancing or a job placement etc.

5. Plan what comes after or review your plan Are you jumping into a masters degree? Freelancing? Working abroad? Not many people have a 100% finished plan, but it does help to research your options and have an understanding of what you want to do after. Things change and as the past year has shown, some previously considered options are definitely not it.

6. Career fairs and networking events Chances are you may have attended some, but for final years these things are especially important. You have a chance to personally meet recruiters and to exchange contact details which may come in handy in the future. Obviously you can do that via LinkedIn, but I for one think that talking in person can add more of a personal touch. Regarding networking in general, it doesn't necessarily have to be a formal affair. Sure there are those formal meetings but they don't always have to be. There are plenty of facebook groups e.g. marketing, women in finance etc. which you can join and ask for mentoring, advice or even if you can meet up for a coffee and a chat. Alternatively, your university most likely has a careers/guidance office where you can find out about any networking meetings or organizations that have events going on.

7. Create an application schedule Many firms open their graduate student program applications at a certain time, so depending on where you're applying, or if you're skipping that, a schedule is a good idea. If you're targeting different sectors then your resume will have to be altered a bit to make it appropriate for the job that you're applying for. Many jobs also require cover letters, so it may be a good idea to have a rough template so that you know what exactly it is that you're supposed to include and then edit accordingly.

8. Try to get some work experience It doesn't have to be full-time at an office type of work, but any experience is good. Freelance language tutor, an internship, volunteer work, writing for your uni's paper. Experience doesn't automatically guarantee you a job, but it can be beneficial in standing out or giving you an extra boost.

9. Try to get some extra qualifications A language proficiency test, a coursera course (there are quite a lot of free ones), a LinkedIn powerpoint course, Code First Girls javascript course (also free!). You can add quite a lot of skills to your LinkedIn profile, but you do need to be able to back them up. These extra courses and qualification aren't just good for your resume, but they're also a good way for you to develop new skills and develop new interests. And who knows where they might end up taking you. My teachers former student ended up finding herself a husband on a study abroad language program in Korea and now they're happily married and living in Japan I think.

10. Make the most of it Uni certainly has it's ups and downs, but for most it's a pretty rewarding and occasionally enlightening journey. You may have different feelings towards it, but it is coming to an end so make some good memories.

11. Remember that life will go on after uni Many people may feel odd after graduating, you just spent 3-4 years living your life as a student and now you're not. Your previous routines that worked before may not work anymore. You may not be as close to your former dormmates. You may drift apart from your college bestie. But life goes on. Many things may stay the same and even more things may change and that's ok.