#and now you understand why i was going crazy trying to get this like this is spars history its legendary
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Note
hellooo I just want to say that I like your blog, I really like your writing style🫶🏻🫶🏻 AND
what do you think about Vernon finding the reader's twitter spam account? at first, without saying anything, he follows her from a fake account and learns her fetishes and things like that. then he can't hold back and teasing the reader because of this situation and does all the things she reposts, all she wants and imagines(I honestly can't decide whether they will be friends or lovers and I leave it to you)
thank you very much in advance🩷🩷🩷🩷
when vernon finds out about your freaky tweets
WARNINGS: smut, face slapping, BIG DICK!VERNON, cock riding, mentions of hair pulling, dirty talk, choking.
it starts innocently enough; you’ve got your little spam account, this place where you post anything that comes to mind without a second thought. it’s private, anonymous—you’re safe, or so you think. until one day, you start noticing a new follower, someone with zero posts and a random handle, lurking in the notifications. you brush it off, figuring it’s just some bot. but vernon… well, vernon's been piecing things together. and one night, after reading one of your latest posts—something so NASTY that practically burned his screen—he decides he can't just pretend he hasn’t seen it. so he waits until you’re in the living room next saturday, all comfortable, maybe a little too comfortable. you look up, seeing him standing there with that little frown he gets when he's too stressed to understand something, a raised eyebrow, and his phone in his hand.
“so… ‘i just want him to hold me down and—’” he reads aloud, and you feel everything in you freeze up as he raises an eyebrow at you. “‘then pull my hair back so i can see his face… maybe, idk, slap me around a little?’ really, y/n?”
you scramble, trying to play it cool “vernon—wait, why—where’d you see that?”
“oh, i dunno. i’ve been following this account for a while. figured i’d wait until you posted something really crazy before bringing it up.”
you stammer, face going hot. “i—you didn’t have to read it out loud like that, jesus.”
“oh, come on,” he says, leaning in, crowding your space just enough to make you feel cornered “you can post it, but i can’t say it?”
you swallow hard “i didn’t… i didn’t think you’d see it.”
“didn’t think i’d find out?” he echoes, voice dropping a little. “you know, all this time, i’ve been seeing these little things you like. i didn’t say anything because i thought you’d be embarrassed. but now…” he smirks, leaning back with a sigh, watching you. “now i think maybe i should give you some of what you’re so clearly craving.”
“vernon,” you say, trying to keep your voice steady, but it’s hard when he’s looking at you like he’s imagining every filthy thing you’ve ever posted.
he smirks, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. “oh, don’t go all shy on me now. i’ve read what you want. all of it. let’s start with the basics, huh?” his hand trails down, tipping your chin up, thumb brushing over your bottom lip. “you wanna ride me? why didn’t you just say so?”
you feel your heart pounding as he pulls you closer, he's practically purring as he goes, “or that other thing you posted—what was it? something about choking you?” he wraps his hand lightly around your throat, thumb brushing over the sensitive skin as he watches your reaction. “like this?”
you almost cant nod, you're melting, your breath coming short as he tightens his grip just enough to make you feel it “so pretty when you’re horny,” he murmurs, fingers pressing just a little more.
and when you shake your head, he grins, pulling you onto his lap, guiding you to straddle him as his hands settle on your hips “guess i’ve gotta make up for all those little fantasies you’ve been hiding, huh?”
“you sure you can handle it?” he whispers, leaning in, lips brushing against your neck. “’cause i don’t think you really knew what you were asking for when you posted all that.”
but you nod, he tilts your head up, lips brushing over yours, and you feel his hand come up, palm grazing over your cheek before he slaps you—just a little, just enough to make you gasp. he chuckles when you moan, liquefying on his lap, fingers tilting your face back to him.
[...]
he’s already watching you with a azy smirk, eyes rolling sliighty as you sink down onto him, your thighs trembling as you struggle to take all of him in. and god, he’s big. you knew he would be—you’d guessed it a dozen times in all those reckless tweets, wondering just how good it’d feel, but feeling it now, it’s like all that teasing turned on you, stretching you almost too much, and every inch you take feels like a challenge.
“aww, look at you,” he coos, his hands resting on your hips, fingers rubbing little circles into your skin as you try to ease down, taking him deeper, even though it’s making your breath catch, making you whimper and shake. “what happened, baby? i thought you said you could handle it.”
you bite your lip, cheeks burning, and he chuckles, leaning in closer, voice low and teasing. “or maybe you just wanted me to be big so you could talk all that shit on your little account,” he murmurs, running his thumb over your lip. “all those tweets you made, talking about wanting me to be, what—eight, nine inches?” he grins, watching the way you flush, the way your hands grip his shoulders to steady yourself. “think you got what you wished for, hm?”
“shut up,” you manage to whisper, but it’s so breathless, your body clenching around him, and he laughs, hands guiding you down just a bit further, his hips lifting just a little to meet you, that makes you gasp, makes you try to pull back, but he keeps you there, fingers firm on your hips.
“no, no, let’s see you take it,” he whispers, voice rough with that soft teasing. “come on, baby. don’t tell me this is too much. you wanted all of it, right?”
you nod, trying to adjust, but it’s almost too much fr, too thick, too deep, and he watches you with those hooded eyes, savoring every single whimper you make. “it’s okay,” he says softly, almost soothing as he leans up to kiss you, but you can hear that cocky lilt in his tone. “you’re doing so good. even if you can’t take all of it… god, you’re trying, huh?”
and he’s right there, brushing his lips over your cheek, murmuring sweet, filthy encouragements into your ear as you sink down a little more, taking just a bit more of him, even though your body’s practically begging for a break. “that’s it… there you go. so good, baby. i’m impressed,” he purrs, hands trailing up your back. “i didn’t think you’d take even this much.”
every time you pause, every time your breath catches, he’s right there, fingers digging into your hips, guiding you, helping you ride him “guess you really wanted to know..” he murmurs, grinning as he watches you struggle, your head falling back as you finally take just a little more, his hands pulling you down hard against him until you can feel every inch of him.
“there it is… that’s my girl,” he whispers, in asatisfied rasp, his eyes dark as he watches you ride him, just as you’d dreamed about, exactly as you’d hoped—only now it’s even better.
#seventeen imagines#seventeen reactions#seventeen x reader#seventeen scenarios#seventeen headcanons#svt imagines#seventeen#seventeen smut#svt smut#vernon smut#vernon fic#vernon imagines#vernon x reader#vernon x you#vernon x oc#hansol smut#hansol imagines#hansol fanfic#hansol fic#vernon seventeen
282 notes
·
View notes
Text
Don't Panic
The lads men finding you asleep with your child in your arm while you were trying to feed them. You're a first time mom you're not going to be perfect. A/N: This is a mommy mc if you're uncomfortable with the idea of mommy mc this is your warning [Requested by: who-mentioned-rhys-larsen]
Summary: You were a first time mom and motherhood was the hardest hood you’ve ever lived in. Even with you husband doing his fatherly duties you were still exhausted. You checked the time on your watch and noticed it was feeding time. You hoisted your baby into your arms and sat down on the bed to breast-feed. You blinked rapidly trying to keep yourself awake “I’ll nap when you’re done eating” You said more so to yourself rather than the baby when suddenly …. you woke up. When did you doze off? The sun was up last time you checked now it's dark out. Where’s the baby? Oh shit where’s the baby!?
Zayne
Zayne came home to find you curled up with your child who was snoring quietly while you held them snuggly in your arms. He picked your babygirl up careful not to wake you and moved her to the adjoining nursery. She squirmed a little at the loss of warmth, but calmed down once Zayne swaddled her.
A few hours later…
MC: ZAYNE!
Zayne: Darling stop yelling before you wake the baby
MC: Where is she?? I fell asleep while feeding her oh fuck im a terrible mom
Zayne grabs you by the shoulders
Zayne: Breathe my love she’s fine I put her in her bed
MC: *teary-eyed* did I hurt her?
You dropped your gaze feeling your heart shatter at the thought of hurting your child
Zayne: You had her held safely in your arms she’s fine go look
You rushed to the nursery to find your babygirl in a peaceful slumber. A wave of relief washed through you causing you to fall to your knees.
MC: I won't let that happen again
Zayne: Go get some sleep my love you’ve earned it I'll take care of the baby
MC: but-
Zayne: You’ll be no good sleep-deprived go rest
Rafayel
MC: WHERE ARE THEY?
You rush out into the living room after tearing your room apart looking for your babies
Rafayel: Quiet down. Why are you yelling?
MC: I CANT FIND THE TWINS
Rafayel: You lost our kids?
MC: I-I accidentally fell asleep and and and when I woke up they were gone I-I-I omg im the worst mom alive
Rafayel: Are these two not ours?
You walk around the couch to find them each fast asleep, one laying in his lap and the other sprawled out next to him on a blanket.
MC: I should punch you in the jaw fuck I think I just had a heart attack thats not funny
Rafayel: I found you asleep in the bedroom with your titty out
MC: Well thats embarrassing
Rafayel: It was a nice surprise … This baby shark was trying to climb on you when I came in
Rafayel said pointing to your baby boy who was drooling all over his lap
Rafayel: and this little sea snail was curled up next to you
Rafayel placed his hand on the tummy of your babygirl
MC: I’m glad they're safe
You sighed, relieved that your babies were fine
Rafayel: You should probably go do that pumping thing you always do …. you’re leaking
MC: Shit!
Rafayel: My little leaky faucet
MC: Please put your top and bottom lip together
Xavier
You sat up quickly almost head butting Xavier who was standing over you
Xavier: Whoa you should change your shirt you have spit up on this one
MC: Where's the baby!?
Xavier: I just put him in his crib
MC: Is he okay? I didn’t roll over on him did I? Was he breathing?
Xavier: Yes. No. and Yes.
Xavier began removing your shirt
MC: Wait wait I need to see our son
Xavier: Okay but lets change your shirt first
MC: No—I need—-Xav move
You end up wrestling Xavier who’s just trying to get you out of your soiled shirt. He manages to slip it off and you dart out of the room with no shirt. You quietly make your way in the nursery and see your baby boy sleeping soundly. Man he looks so much like his dad it’s crazy.
Xavier: Here. *pulls a shirt over your head*
MC: Thanks Xav Im sorry I was just so scared
Xavier: I understand ... now according to Jenna since the baby is down you should get some rest too let’s go
MC: Are you going to nap with me?
Xavier: Jeremiah was in the living room when you ran through to get to our son
MC: Did he see.....?
Xavier: He won't remember even if he did
MC: JEREMIAH IM SORRY
Sylus
MC: WHERE IS SHE??
Kieran: Calm down
Luke: You’ll wa—
MC: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN
Sylus: She’s right here
You turn to see Sylus holding your baby girl in his arms. She's playfully tugging on his necklace while he continuously moves her little hand away.
MC: Mommy is so sorry baby …. did I hurt her? I didn’t mean to fall asleep
Sylus: You’re going to make yourself sick with all this worrying
MC: I just fell asleep with our child in my arms that seems like grounds to worry Sylus
Sylus: She was fast asleep on your chest and you had your arm wrapped around her
MC: It’s still dangerous
Sylus: and yet she’s fine live and learn sweetie everything will be fine
MC: It’s like my third day out here okay im still learning this mom shit
Sylus: Rule number 1 don’t cuss in front of the baby
MC: Oh shut up
Sylus: Rule number 2 don’t be rude to her dad
MC: Anything else?
Sylus: Rule number 3 dont forget to pump
You look down and realize the two wet patches on your shirt
MC: Shit!
Sylus: Rule number 1—
MC: Shut it!
#love and deepspace#sylus love and deepspace#sylus#lnds sylus#love and deepspace sylus#lads#lads rafayel#lads xavier#lads zayne#lnds#lnds zayne#lnds xavier#lnds rafayel#lads sylus#zayne love and deepspace#rafayel love and deepspace#xavier love and deepspace#nikaaaaimagine
214 notes
·
View notes
Text
some shit i have to say about this particular thing from the frankly insane ass article sorry:
GH: Why Miami? JC: I love it. Just for me to get away sometimes. That's where I was working out when I came out of college. I don't see myself living there, but it's a nice spot to stay sometimes. GH: You seem to be New Orleans through and though. That's where you would live, I imagine. JC: I don't know. I haven't really decided on what I want to do when it comes to living in places, yet. GH: Do you see yourself being with him the rest of your career or a good part of your career? JC: I see it for a long time right now. We've been together for a long time. We enjoy each other's company. I don't see anybody leaving.
not to be an insane joemarr girlie YET AGAIN but -> ja'marr adores the shit out of nola that much is obvious: choosing to stay in nola for lsu, the way he speaks of it and how he never lets go of his accent even if people struggle to understand him, the shout outs, the fleur-de-lis pads tattoo big ass new chain etc etc so loud in his love AND YET he doesn't say that there's where he would end up in the end. he hauled his ass to cincy, stayed there and made it clear he doesn't plan on leaving (cincy and joe), has a condo in miami with all the beaches and waters he loves but he doesn't see himself living there, etc et-fucking-c AND JUST!!! not to be insane its like he knows that joe is for ohio. joe always comes back to his roots–wanting to go to nebraska like his fam, choosing osu, leaving osu to lsu and choosing to go back to ohio in cincinnati and just not leaving he has shit to prove there he loves it there it's where his family is it's where he grew up it's where he's loyal to and ja'marr just. follows him. 'i don't know' on whether he'd stay in nola where he spent his childhood and college years. 'haven't decided' like there's a place in his mind but he's unsure if he should or if his welcome is for forever or what the boundaries and lines of that forever is and if it's just a wolf-howling-at-moon-never-to-meet shooting-himself-in-the-foot kind of situation. like do you feel me??? i feel crazy like do you get what I'm trying to word out 😭
and like ugh if i can just mention about joe's fondness and love for all the things he's been a part of is so 😔❤️ still wearing all those silicone bracelets to this day the lsu one, covid days bengals one, etc. his ohio state, geuax tigers, athens etc sweatshirts and hoodies that he wears to this day that are in near pristine condition but also looking worn in a way that shows he wears them often and cares for them deeply so they last to this day. showing his love and appreciation in such in your face ways like the burreaux senior day name change, ja’marr’s jersey, etc other examples i can't think of bc my brain is fried :(((((( and so it's like.......maybe that is something that ja'marr notices and wants him to keep you know?? so if he stays in ohio for joe it isn't even remotely a hardship because the city has embraced him so readily and lovingly and he's repeatedly said that he loves the city even if the chili is shit so :(((( just incredibly loyal to a fault these two aaaaa
#its kind of hilarious if you link joe in cincy with#lebron coming to the cavs and winning a chip#lol#but anyway#ja'marr chase#joe burrow#joemarr#joemarr meta#i feel this article will forever be known as The Article for me#also i kind of don't see joe ever leaving cincy tbh. he wants a ring im sure but does it outweigh his love for the city is the question#like is he playing for a ring or is he playing for /cincy/ to get a ring#in osu he /had/ to move to get /somewhere/ in his career yk. but hes here now. and he has the city and the city loves him and well. well.#also they're literally the kind of rich i curl my lip at so they can easily own multiple houses in multiple states and just hop to.#'condo in miami' i will bite you.#also maybe not that readily considering the rookie preseason drops but that just fueled his need to prove himself to the city and joe so
46 notes
·
View notes
Text
Scarecrow being a Decent Psychiatrist
Two years had passed since Tim lost both parents, but with the support of his family, he had begun to adjust to life more effectively. He felt prepared to confront Scarecrow, who had teamed up with the Joker to unleash fear toxin across Gotham.
Scarecrow wasn't heavily invested in this team-up, though. Spraying his fear toxin and giving people horrendous nightmares was enough for him. That was what he enjoyed about being a villain: making people lose their minds. It was chaos in its purest form, unlike the Joker's more planned madness.
As he walked around, moving his sprayer back and forth to ensure even distribution of his fear toxin, Scarecrow began to sing softly to himself.
Scarecrow: Only love, only love can hurt like this, only love can hurt like this, must've been a deadly—
His singing was abruptly interrupted when he spotted Red Robin fighting one of his hired goons, now wearing a face mask. It was a change from the last time he had seen the young hero.
Scarecrow (walking over): Hey! Robin, over here.
Red Robin (punching a goon unconscious): Um, me?
Scarecrow: Yeah, hey mate. Good to see you again.
Red Robin (confused): Um, same to you. Last time you saw me, I was walking through your toxin fog. That's embarrassing to think about now.
Scarecrow (with a jovial British accent): Hey, it's in the past. Honestly, I kind of respected you for that. I thought I was the only one who embraced the nightmares. Not much respect since you’re still stopping crime, but you know… I’m impressed.
Red Robin: Thanks… what’s happening right now?
Scarecrow: Nothing serious, mate. You're back to work, fighting crime. When I was in Arkham, I heard you were checked out on life. Everything with you better?
Red Robin (keeping a safe distance): Sort of. I’m not as depressed as I was months ago.
Scarecrow: That’s good. You’re not catastrophizing or sitting in burning buildings like I heard you were before. I’m oddly happy you’re mentally better.
Scarecrow patted Red Robin on the back, and the young man rubbed his arm bashfully.
Scarecrow: Hey, don’t tell Joker this, but I was worried you’d snap and become him. A mini Joker? That thought concerned me. That type of insanity I could never tolerate. It’s like that arsehole, the Mad Hatter, and his mind-control chips. Not how insanity should be.
Red Robin: Right, you’re not into artificial or Joker toxin-induced insanity.
Red Robin kicked another goon away as Scarecrow nodded, turning off his sprayer.
Scarecrow: You understand. Fear needs to be genuine, buried in the deep recesses of our minds.
Red Robin (eyeshifting, worried Batman might be around): Right, for clarification, I do not agree with what you do; I just get why you think that. I’m not insane or turning into the Joker.
Red Robin laughed nervously, holding his head down, concerned at the idea.
Scarecrow (reassuring tone): Don’t you start worrying about what-ifs, kid. Knowing you’re not off the bloody deep end leaves me relieved. You should be proud of yourself. When I see people going insane, I want them to live—whether from slow madness or this nonsense you do.
Scarecrow sighed, taking in the insanity unfurling around him while Red Robin maintained his distance, perplexed that the man who thrived on people's mental breakdowns was being genuinely nice to him. It felt strangely akin to talking to Batman… sort of.
Scarecrow (continuing): My apologies for rambling. Seeing you come close to ending it made me concerned. You’re not living to your full potential. Don’t waste it, mate. Not at such a young age.
Red Robin (hand on his heart after incapacitating another goon): That was the nicest thing you've said to me.
Scarecrow (shrugging): Eh, you’re not Batman… or my father.
Red Robin: Thanks. I think. But, um, I have to stop you.
Scarecrow: Nah, Batman can deal with me. I’m helping out Joker—crazy, right? It’s a living. When we meet up again, you can try to take me down. Either way, handle him yourself—it’ll be a booster for you.
Red Robin (sniffling): You’re right!
Batman (on comms, stern tone): I wanted to fight the Joker! You stay there and arrest him!
Red Robin (pressing his comm button): Let me have this!
Scarecrow chuckled as he restarted his fear toxin sprayer.
Oracle (on comms, amused tone): The British failed psychologist is making you sniffle? Really?
Oracle cackled over the comms.
Red Robin (pressing the comm button): One moment, Scarecrow—Oracle, he may be insane and British, but he earned that psychology degree! Batman, you can handle him! I'm taking down the Joker!
With determination, Red Robin ran off, leaving a satisfied Scarecrow to continue spraying fear toxin.
Scarecrow (walking through the streets and noticing the panicked bystanders): Great job, Jonathan, still got it. A bloke who acknowledges my degree as well? Damn, he is a good hero—would’ve made a great lackey. I swear that kid is a ticking time bomb… reminds me of myself when I killed my father. Good memories. I have to respect that about this Robin. If he ever goes insane, though, I’m going to see if he needs a mentor.
Pt 1
#script fic#batfamily#batfamily chronicles#batman#batfamily shenanigans#batfamily headcanons#bruce wayne#tim drake#flash fiction#batfamily comedy#headcanon batfamily#batfamily microseries#batfamily fanfiction#microfiction#part of my batfamily microseries#batfamily fic#batfamily funny#batfamily fluff#batfamily microfiction#Batfamily Chronicles Microseries#dc scarecrow#scarecrow#dc fanfiction#dc fanfic#batfamily au#batfamily are the best family#batfamily feels#it's nice when the homicidal nightmare villain is nice to you#johnathan crane#tim drake wayne
30 notes
·
View notes
Note
“does it make you nervous when i stare” WITH KIRK LORD PLEASE
hungry eyes
genre : smut
word count : 1982
tags : friend!kirk, female!reader, some swearing, rough!kirk, fingering, choking, cum swallowing, public sex, unprotected sex
from the prompt list : 1. “does it make you nervous when i stare?”
a/n : almost ended up with 2k words with this one (and that's crazy). so far this is the longest metallica fic i have written, and i am so happy that i could pull off a longer one! happy reading, i hope that it's good! x
You have had a massive crush on your close friend Kirk for quite some time now. Ever since you graduated school, you both signed up for guitar classes and attended them together. Four days a week, he would knock on your door and wait outside before catching a bus for a ride to the studio. Four days a week, Kirk would walk you home and make sure you were safe and sound, even if it was still light outside. This choice not only made you two grow closer, but also sparked something more. But neither of you were able to understand and grasp onto the way you felt, having all the attention on practicing and classes was like a fence blocking it. Yet, here and there, from time to time, you would find yourself thinking about him which was unusual, because he was your friend. The last time you liked someone this much was three years ago and you were not sure if you could accept it or if the better option would be to just hide it until it goes away. The last thing you wanted was to ruin the friendship.
And so did he.
It was a gloomy Wednesday afternoon, and you were in the mood to read something cool for a few hours. So you gave Kirk a call asking if he wanted to join you at the library, which he said yes to without much thinking. And here you were, going through the shelves and looking for the perfect books to try out.
Once chosen, you found a table and sat across from each other, beginning to read.
You sighed in the midst of reading as the story was not progressing too well, catching Kirk’s attention immediately. He paused and looked at you with a small frown in between his dark eyebrows.
“Is the book not good?”
The curly locks falling in his face made him look so adorable that you quickly realized you haven’t said anything yet, you’ve just been looking at him.
“You okay?” he snorted lightly, a worried look on his face.
“Uh- Yeah,” you laughed it off awkwardly, pulling a strand of hair behind your ear. You were never this awkward around him, but in this moment, something about him having his eyes on you set your body on fire.
“It’s just the plot,” you crossed your legs, one accidentally touching the side of Kirk’s calf, “oh, sorry” and you moved your chair a bit back to not hit him again. Why in the world were you so clumsy today? The moment where your hair got caught on his necklace after hugging when you met up was the start of it all. Can this just stop happening?
“You’re good, don’t need to worry” he smiled without showing his crooked teeth. He found it cute how you kept having little accidents like these, it also reminded him of that time when you accidentally knocked a cup over and it spilled all over the floor. Or when you were making hot dogs and spilled the ketchup on yourself in some way. It never failed to make him laugh and adore you. Especially when you were so quick to get embarrassed and blush along with it.
A few minutes later, Kirk found himself looking up at you again, but this time, he couldn’t get his eyes off of you. Every little detail about you he just loved. From your beautiful hair, long curvy eyelashes, to the shape of your nose, and the way you had your lips slightly pursed while your head rested in your palm. And he felt intrigued. He soon realized that he was beginning to wonder how you would taste like - Kirk thought about kissing your lips. But when his eyes landed on your exposed chest and neck, the lust took over him and his mind reminded him of what you did earlier with your feet. Even if it was unintentional. Kirk licked his lips, bucking his hips up as he leaned back in his seat, dragging the book closer and placing it against the edge of the table. You didn’t think much of it, you just thought he’d changed the way he was sitting. When in reality, Kirk was now using the book to make it look like he was still reading it.
And it didn’t take too long for you to sense the piercing gaze. You looked up to find your friend staring, lips slightly parted, those chocolate irises sending your heart straight down to your toes.
It left you shy and you looked back at the book quicker than the lightning, realizing how nervous he just made you feel. Clearing your throat, you attempted to continue reading, but failed to concentrate because of a pair of doe eyes you had on you. The way it made you feel was visible to him. Clear as a day.
“Does it make you nervous when I stare?” Kirk broke the silence.
For a moment, you hesitated to speak or look at him due to the amount of frustration.
“It… it does, but…”
“But what, hm?”
“We’re out in public, you know? You… You look a bit scary” you tried to act innocent, but he just wasn’t going to buy it. A person who’s scared wouldn’t really blush, don’t you think?
Shit.
Kirk smirked as he closed the book and grabbed yours too, standing up as he pushed the chair under the table.
You have never seen him act this way. It was different.
But oh, did he look hot.
“What are you doing?” you whisper-yelled as you caught up to him as he put the books back in their places. He towered over you, eyes dark and a smile still plastered on his face, making you feel even more fired up. Kirk knew that at this moment, you wanted him as much as he wanted you.Though, you tried to mask it by acting. But at this point you were simply lying to yourself.
He replied, voice husky and lower than his usual.
“I’m doing what’s necessary, doll”
Doll?
You felt as if your soul had just left your body. Kirk had such a strong effect over you and it wasn’t something you ever thought was possible. He’s got you under his thumb now.
Saying nothing else you followed him outside, looking like a lost puppy next to a stranger. Kirk stopped in some dark alleyway, which kind of scared you. What the hell was he up to?
“I know you like challenges, and adrenaline, that’s why I decided this was the place”
“Place f-for what?” you lowkey panicked, looking around. No people were in sight.
Kirk took a step closer, your back hitting the cold wall as you looked up at the boy. It wasn’t pitch black, it was dark, but the moon shining down on you was enough of a source for some dim light.
“For this”
Cupping your face with both of his large hands, he pulled you into a warm deep kiss that sent you over the edge, butterflies raging in your stomach. Maybe he was a freak for dragging you out to such a place, but you kind of enjoyed it. The weather was a bit cold, but you weren’t too worried because kissing on its own was a way to stay warm.
Your fingers got lost in his brown curls as you tugged on them every now and then, him biting your lower lip in return, his hands all over you.
“Kirk” you took a breath as you pulled away.
“Yeah? Am I going too far?”
You shook your head.
“No, no, you’re not. I… I want you” you confessed, throwing your leg around his waist as you searched for more friction.
“Fuck, I never knew I’d hear that” he groaned, grabbing the back of your thigh and squeezing it hard, pulling your skirt up and ghosting his fingers over your heated core. But he was a gentleman and wasn’t going to open the door before knocking first.
“Can I?”
“Yes, please. Do whatever you want”
The way you whimpered once he ripped your tights at the crotch area made him moan, his voice sounding so heavenly to your ears - like a melody. He found his way to your clothed cunt, slipping under the fabric of your lace underwear, running his middle and ring finger up and down your folds, your wetness coating them and his palm. You writhed under his touch when he began to rub circles on your sweet spot, causing you to kiss him to cover up a loud moan. This made it even harder for him to keep his rock hard length in his tight jeans. Kirk really wanted and needed to get rid of the uncomfortable pressure.
But he just had to stretch you out with his fingers first.
“Fuck,” he whispered under his breath, feeling how tight you were, “you’re so freaking hot”
Your eyes rolled back as the pads of his fingers hit the right place, picking up the pace as he left some wet kisses on your neck.
A whine left your lips.
“Kirk, please, I want more”
“Yeah?”
“Yes”
He removed his fingers from you and unzipped his jeans, finally setting his length free that was coated in precum, ready to fulfill your desires.
You did not expect it, but Kirk lifted you against the alleyway wall and slipped his member into you slowly, both of you moaning at the feeling. Your legs were tightly wrapped around his waist as you had your arms around his neck, one hand lost in his bouncy hair, while the other had a grip on his shoulder. His length was the perfect size for you, curved just right, it hugged your walls and hit the most sensitive spot like no other, causing you to lose yourself completely. It was addicting, and never have you ever thought that this would actually happen, thinking you’ll never be able to even admit your feelings for him.
But here you were, all fucked out at his mercy, bodies colliding as Kirk thrusted faster and faster with each minute. His hand reached out and wrapped around your throat, which gave you so much satisfaction, you swore you saw stars. There was no way you were going to last any longer with the way he was pounding into you, and he could tell from the way you started to loosen up and how your head was thrown back. You were so under his control.
“Are you cumming, doll?”
Yes, you were, but couldn’t get words to come out of your mouth.
“Are you?” he asked again, his grip around your throat even tighter as he slammed his hips into you harshly. The way your body shook was the hottest thing that he has ever witnessed in his life, it never came to his mind that he’s ever going to see you like that.
“I am- Fuck” you squealed into your own palm as you came hard, shaking uncontrollably in his arms as he continued to move.
Seconds later, you were on your knees, bobbing your head to help him reach his own high. Kirk held you by the back of your head to guide you, his chest heaving as he was about to finish.
The groan that left his lips was so hot that you wanted to hear it more than just once. How Kirk sounded could probably make you cum anytime, any place, just from the way he moaned once he was done. And being the good girl that you are, you swallowed everything that he spurted inside your mouth.
After a long way home, you asked him to stay over, wanting to spend some time with him and have him around. That night, you both ended up finally confessing your feelings that you’ve had for so long.
#metallica smut#metallica fic#metallica fics#metallica x reader#kirk hammett smut#kirk hammett fic#kirk hammett fics#kirk hammett x reader
21 notes
·
View notes
Text
Does anyone else think that Sebastian fans (most Bucky fans) are getting a little too crazy? Not meaning to offend anyone if I did I’m sorry.
(Also not trying to put the blame just on one group since a lot of people in fandoms are now getting really rude but yeah this is just my experience from tonight)
But like lately so many people have been posting a clip from comic con Liverpool of Sebastian saying he wants Steve Roger’s back and people were calling out names (since he asked who they would like to see come back) some said iron man, someone said Wanda but a lot of people said Natasha which he agreed on. Now I wasn’t there I live in Australia but a lot of the clips people are saying they want to see a movie on Natasha and Bucky like I have no problem with that but why do people go crazy about it? (Still not trying to be mean)
Like I commented on two posts saying a bucky and Natasha movie would be good but that they should do one on him and his sister I wanted to know more about Rebecca Barnes, his other siblings and his family. One post nobody commented on my comment but on the second post so many people told me if I read the comics I would understand and that it’s a waste of time. Like it got nasty that I had to delete the comment because people were just getting mean because I haven’t read the comics. Like all my comment said was it would be cool if we got a movie on Bucky and Rebecca since they kinda brought up he had a sister in falcon and the winter soldier. But so many people hated it.
Guys what happened to the fandom where we were nice to each other? Like I didn’t hate on anyone talking about winterwidow but people hated on my comment? Like what?
Sebastian is a nice amazing guy and has a nice community but it seems a lot of people are getting nasty when you don’t agree with them.
Don’t want to be one of them people but I was in a bad place and when I found Sebastian’s movies and even Bucky it brought me comfort that I’m still here today. But if people are gonna be nasty and hateful then maybe I might leave the community for a while til it just goes back to peace.
Hope nobody else is experiencing this. Sucks that it happened to me and I really hope it’s not happening to anyone else since Sebastian is a positive guy and spreads positivity so you would think his fans are the same but yeah some people are just taking it a bit too far.
Also hope anyone that met Sebastian this weekend had a good time a lot of the photos of people I’ve seen with him from Instagram are cute you guys all look wonderful
But yeah anyways goodnight 💤 it’s late in Australia hope everyone has a good day and FUCKING SPREAD POSITIVITY NOT HATE
#bucky barnes#winter soldier#marvel#sebastian stan#the winter soldier#james buchanan barnes#james bucky barnes#sebastianstan
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
SAID HE LIKES CRAZY GIRLS,
BUT HE HATES WHEN I ACT CRAZY,
IT TAKES TWO TO TOXIC!
FINALLY!!! Finished these pics of jinx I’ve been working on!!!!! HOLY SHIT, these took so long…. But finally… they’re done… pls enjoy this art of my beautiful princess w a disorder. Featuring alternate colors for the big pic and also a closeup! Cuz I rlly like how both the lines and coloring on her face turned out… like the pink gradients w her eye… her deer in headlights expression,, like uve just startled a raccoon digging thru ur trashcan and r two seconds away from getting mauled.. m proud of it!
#arcane#league of legends#jinx#jinx arcane#arcane jinx#doodles#hate and love how hardcore I relate to jinx…#little sisters w dependency issues.. + a whole lot of other issues#anyway the ‘he’ in the ‘crazy girl’ lyrics is in my mind referring to both vi and silco lol#I’m sORRY! I keep seeing ppl hardcore pitting these 2 bad bitches against each other#and it’s like… silco is objectively. morally worse than vi.. vi is not like. a ruthless crime lord#vi IS 100% trying her best and loves her sister. but she still screwed up w jinx#and silco ALSO truly loves jinx. but also screwed up by fucking. trauma bonding w her ghgh-#like.. silco is too close. he’s like. yes go apeshit jinx I support and love you and understand u no matter what fucked up shit u do.#were the same. and that’s beautiful!!! I love how supportive he is…#but its like.. silcos too close. he just became a new person for jinx to glomp onto and base her self esteem around after vi left#and he doesn’t manipulate that on purpose but. he DOES effect that girls mental state. cuz he needs her too#meanwhile vi is too far away… she thinks she knows who jinx is. but jinx has changed… time marches forward. she’s not that little girl#anymore#and nOW! after the finale jinx has NOBODY TO BE CODEPENDENT W..#her mental state has always been so tied up in how the ppl she puts on pedestals view her#and now there’s no pedestal anymore. she knocked down the statues. she’s alone…#it’s interesting….#anyway I’m not trying to say vi is as bad as silco at ALL. just that she’s an equally important building block in jinx’s mind#that has made her into the fucked up lil person she is today. and I think that’s neat.#lol anyway! I’m hyped for season 2….#aLSO GOD DAMN THIS GIRLS OUTFIT IS COMPLICATED. WHY DO U GOT SO MANY BITS N BOBS JINX??? I mean I get it accessories rock.#but u take so much time to draw ghfhg- require so much brainpower#aLSO ADDENDUM. while silco is objectively morally worse than vi his relationship w jinx is genuinely. like. makes me emotional ghgh-#its not perfect. or healthy. but… it’s. the both of them. being seen. and accepted. and loved and understood.. and I love that shit.
169 notes
·
View notes
Text
just got a dm abt one of my posts and y'all please don't try and show the hermits (or any minecraft youtuber or content creator for that matter) my posts, i'm uncomfortable with it and don't want any of my posts shown to a cc. if they stumble upon it naturally that's unfortunate but i can live with it since i do maintag a lot (something i REALLY need to stop doing tbh i already know i need to make a tagging system just for my blog that wont clog results) but going out of ur way to show a cc is entirely different and something i am not comfortable with.
no hate to the person at all but even if i wasn't a little silly and weird with it sometimes i wouldn't be comfortable with it, i want my blog to be a purely fandom only space with none of the creators involved <3 please respect this
#which is imo how a fandom space should be#i'm old fashioned and it breaks the fandom etiquette rules i stand by#i ship and stuff and absolutely NO cc needs to be subjected to that please and thank you even if it's a non-ship post#not saying hermits and others cant hang out and interact if they wish hell no but like....#if you as any person with a following willingly go into a fandom space you have to expect to see some things you find weird#doesn't even necessarily mean ship just stuff the cc finds weird :v idk im not phrasing this right but like#the rule with shipping around any sort of media has been to keep it away and not show the creators anything !!! and thats fallen out#of practice the past few years with ppl getting more and more comfortable demanding boundaries and personal info from creators#which isn't right imo bc its like you're trying to see how much you can get away with. u want a guide on how to interact and social skills#which is... huh??? just be polite and keep anything weird away from them like what we were doing#some folks nowadays need “permission” to ship stuff even from SHOWS and shit with no real people and its like wow... huh....#u need it to be canon?? u need everything told to u by the show?? wheres the imagination. the spirit.#the making of everything so far removed from what it once was#like that guy that played nick from heartstopper that had to be outed to play a gay guy. like#idk im so sick of the boundary fandom ppl in mcyt 'what if they saw and made it uncomfortable!! im going to show them!!!!'#you are making them MUCH more uncomfortable than i am by GOING INTO THEIR FACE AND DEMANDING THEY LOOK AT IT!!#AND DEMANDING BOUNDARIES N SHIT... CRAZY.... idk the hermits especially its weird to me bc clearly they understand fandom etiquette#and the dynamic im talking about. most of them understand that by going into fandom spaces they will see things they dont like#which is why a lot of them only like fanart and answer questions asked by fans. even on tumblr !!! where the weird ppl are!!!#they also all seem to understand they are playing characters (citing joel cleo and grian as examples) for their audiences#which is. smth the audience itself doesnt understand most of the time anymore. oh my god they all died in real life in hermitcraft season 8#idk hermitblr used to be a lot more okay with hermitshipping n then a bunch of ppl from other fandoms moved in and its all more negative#and makes me sad. idk...#i never meant for this blog to gain almost 500 followers i just wanted to make silly little ship posts and now im scared to#bc ive gotten hate and its.... bwugh.... tempted to remake blogs and make one thats very clearly just for me and a few weirdos#whatever i went off on a tangent in the tags as usual just pls dont show creators my posts even non-ship ones for this reason#jamies bad posts#talking in tags#serious posts#<- ig??? idk
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
the unveiling...
#THIS IT IT...... NOW YOU ALL KNOW... BC ITS FINALLY HERE!!!!!!!#yes im bouncing off the walls excited thank you for asking#and now you understand why i was going crazy trying to get this like this is spars history its legendary#i really hope the full 13 different colors interview resurfaces someday#also my fuckass camera isnt capturing how bright and vibrant the thing is irl like its exactly as colorful as it looks in spars photos#anyway. im !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cannot believe its really real#its also HUGE i think this thing was made in one very big size which is why its also big on russ#gosh. :D
31 notes
·
View notes
Text
random tokrev rant ahead !!
when i first started this blog it was going to be for random shitposts, groupchats once in a while, and mostly tokrev analysis but i was so scared of discourse that i just chose to do the funnier stuff 😭. when tokrev was at it's peak i'd be reading 20k+ words of analysis and it was so fun!! but i felt like i couldn't word what i wanted to say properly so that discouraged me but i wish i'd ignored that because there would have been at least one person who understood what i was saying yk?
#anyway#i used to have a tagging system but i forgot so that's my bad#and the thing about discourse is that you could give a person all the canonical facts of the story and they'll still find a way to pretend#that they're right and i personally cannot handle that#i take things very seriously and someone thinking they won a argument when they didn't would make me rip my hair out#so maybe my blog not going into that direction was good for my metal health#i feel like fandom interactions always end up as fights for some reason#why can't two opinions co-exist#let's discuss and have fun why we gotta tell each other to kill ourselves😭#like i saw a very well thought out and written theory about sanzu having autism or something along those lines#and a comment was like “stop trying to give him excuses he's a terrible villain and he's just crazy blah blah blah”#whole time this person's an izana apologist#like😐#i love both these characters but a lot of characters in tokrev are more complicated than just a “crazy villain”#and it seems like they understand that about izana so????#ok i'm done now i hope you guys get what i mean#tokyo revengers#tokyo revengers manga#tokrev
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
I really hate how my physical body looks so so so much. unfortunately there isn't much I can do about it.
#ive got fat genetics from both parents families going back generations and ive been trying to lose weight forever#my stupod body likes being fat i can excercise like crazy and eat barely anything and i wont lose anything#i was excercising 2+ hours a day before i got sick and it made me stronger but i.stayed fat. now that im sick im weak and still fat.#and im not the kind of fat anybody can find pretty. if i could somehow not be fat id be decent to look at my face isnt bad#my skin is bad though my skin sucks#in my eyes im disgusting#and its so messed up because i dont think other fat people are gross#but i hate how i look so much that i cant imagine anyone being okay with it#like no matter how kind and understanding and sweet i am to people its never gonna make up for the fact that my body is grossly ugly#and i cant blame anyone for not liking me i get it.#sorry#this is a problem i have#bacause i just usually pretend my body doesnt exist and i wear pretty loose fitting dresses that cover me completely so but#even though i am what i am#sometimes you happen to meet a nice person and they are polite and dont seem disgusted by your existance so then your traitorous brain t#thinks hey maybe this person would be willing to marry us someday if they got to know us. which is so silly becuz theres no way thatd ever#so it makes me sad when i should be happy that a nice person talked to me. yay good job successful friendlyness. but it has to remind me#that i had this expectation from when i was a kid that id marry somone and have at least 3 kids and love my kids and take care of them and#give them everything i needed when i was a kid. and of course that never happened. because i never dated anyone. because people dont just#magically get married out of nowhere. its stupid. so i keep trying to be okay with whatever. but i guess i never stopped wanting a family.#which we know im aroace now so. i need to stop. but my brain is always bothering me about this.#why can't i just accept that no one will ever love me. why cant i be happy that they dont?#ive got cats#someday i will have irl friends again#sorry i think everything would be so much easier if i was just#this isnt a problem with an easy solutiom#i guess im gonna try to do the useless excercises again because at least it will look like im trying even though nothing will change
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
masha broke a bowl by accident in the kitchen and when i brought her the broom and dustpan and asked her if she was okay, she looked at me, straight-faced, and said, "no, i'm not okay." and then i realized she meant that she still feels emotionally abused by the house somehow, and i felt a flash of anger because i am so sick of her shit, and i rephrased, "are you physically injured?" and she gave me another look and said "i'm physically okay." and then when connie asked from her room "what's going on?" masha replied "nothing new." like fuck off ohhhhhhhh my god
#p#i'm actually sick of making room for people like this#it's not me being kind or understanding. it's me being a doormat and driving myself crazy for not making everyone happy 24/7#would masha feel better if i continually approached her and invited her to things and forgave her every time she acted like this?#yeah she would. and i can imagine the emotional place she's in right now is a terrible one and i empathize#which is why i feel guilty for being too tired to do the above. but also? but ALSO???#in her head she will always be the victim. everything we do she will always interpret in bad faith; choose the most unkind interpretation#it's gabe all over again. they live in an alternate reality from me and from the rest of the house and it is impossible to reconcile the tw#and i get this feeling of anger and a part of me thinks of it as me 'letting myself be a bitch' but it's not actually that#it's literally self-respect. it's me being so burnt out that i don't have the energy to pretend this is somehow my problem#the whole meme of 'aren't you tired of being nice. don't you wanna go apeshit' that's about being inauthentic not abt being nice#sure authentic/inauthentic is a loaded therapy term now but it's just accurate. i should be able to NOT do things if i'm not moved to#i don't feel like talking to her. i don't feel like inviting her to things. i don't feel like giving an apology for an imaginary wrong#she can hate me for the rest of time. she can be miserable for the rest of the year while she stays here. i don't fucking care#she is making herself miserable. it is absolutely 100% on her. in any way that matters it is up to her to fix her own shit#i am so sick of this idea that somehow through the healing power of kindness and friendship everyone can be lifted up#because actually some people refuse to be helped. and it is so hard for me to reconcile this with my worldview#but it's been proven to me over and over again that this is the truth.#i guess it doesn't necessarily apply to material realities but i think it does for emotional ones#but even that division between the material and the social/emotional feels false to me. they're always related#maybe the actual lesson is that you as an individual and sometimes even as a community#have limited resources. and while the world's ills could theoretically be solved with infinite generosity and kindness#you cannot singlehandedly make that happen.#and also if the other party isn't receptive there's only so much you can do.#god i've written like a fucking essay trying to justify to myself why i'm angry at masha bc i want to be validated for it#even though i know by now that i actually don't need to explain myself to anyone -- even to myself
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
#*beep* oh. hey. guess you're sleeping? maybe you're at work. or out with friends. i hope wherever you are it's good#or that it's getting better. i really do#i'm not good. but you knew that already. otherwise why would i be leaving this message?#sorry. i just need to talk for a bit i guess#cause it's like. every day i write a hundred posts and every day i delete most if not all of them#and i could not tell you why#this is my blog after all. my words and thoughts go here#but also. this is my third place. and i can't lose that#isn't that crazy? i can't lose the handful of notes from reblogging other people's posts#the idea that somehow i'm constructing myself in the cut and paste instead of doing something myself#and i do try to make posts of my own. but nothing's ever worth posting. i don't even let it rot in the drafts. it's just gone#and i try to think about what would stop me from doing this#which inevitably brought me here - what would i be doing if it were fifty years ago#and i think the answer is i'd be calling someone who used to care and blowing up their answering machine#and i think about old answering machines. the ones that need a tape to record the message#does dora just re-record over the tapes that harry fills?#does she trash them? i'm guessing she doesn't listen to them#i won't tell you what to do with this message. i'll spare you a call to action#it's not like a diary would fix this. i have a diary. i've been keeping one regularly for months now#i think i want to be perceived but i refuse to speak unless spoken to and i will not reach out on here unless i'm being a kindly anon#and when i talk irl it's all broken disjointed subjects without predicates#it takes such effort for me to talk that people stop asking me out of kindness. but there's still thoughts i haven't said#thoughts that don't need to be said. we don't *need* another person rambling on about whatever random fandom topic or half-assed scribbles#i tried making serious art and meta posts for like four years across different fandoms#it's all gone now. as is most of my poetry. lotta things i don't know or care to know#and i can't bring myself to do that again. esp if that's not why you're here. so like. it's easier just to remain quiet?#because. i know people *can* understand. but it takes effort#and i can't guarantee a return on investment. i don't know if the cost of teaching me how to talk again is worth it#god i want to infodump but that was beaten out of me. the need is still there but i can't. it hurts#idk. things are good and then things are bad and on the whole they're good and getting better
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#delete later#im getting a taste of my own medicine bc when im overwhelmed depressed etc i don’t even open emails or dms or whatever and then ifeel guilty#and let them build up and run away from them and literally do not reply for years. but ive been waiting for like 5 different but related#replies for 3ish days at this point and im soooooo impatient omg i want to bash my head into the wall.. and afaik no one i messaged has#opened the message despite being active online elsewhere which is EXACTLY what i do so i have no right to complain at all. but still. omggg#i just have a simple question (me and the ps5 voice) reply to my message boy#purrs#also.. ok yeah im gonna be honest about it even if there are consequences lol. idk why im on such a mission to get back all my old#characters but if i don’t i can and will go crazy. i don’t even do that kind of thing anymore and d*viantart is an irreversibly warped#landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only#ones who understand me and feel safe and cozy on here. but i miss my old internet home. and i really miss my old internet friends and seeing#all the jokes we had and how we were all like interconnected w the same adopt groups and stuff and now we don’t even talk… it makes me so#sad and i feel weird messaging them just for the purpose of asking if they can give me back characters i gave them 4 years ago like a) you j#just don’t do that kind of thing i don’t think but b) it feels so transactional and would make the part of saying hey our friendship was#important to me when i was a teenager and even though we don’t talk anymore i think of you fondly and wish you well. like lollllll. and i#feel cringe even tracking them down / messaging them bc we are all jn our 20s now… embarrassing. but i am so mad at myself for letting those#friendships wither (not that i have the spoons to sustain them these days anyway but still) and for not keeping bettr track of my characters#when i sold them and for giving them up in the first place and for letting my old internet life just fall apart due to neglect bc it puts me#in a bind to try to piece it together again no matter how i try it and i shouldn’t try anyway. but i am so tempted to rn. lol#* itd make saying stuff abt appreciating friendship weird bc there’s a transaction tied in (source: i did this and feel weird and bad)#like the way i want to SCREAM seeing that dA ate all of the journals i made when i was a 14 year old and turned them into glitched polls. th#the way the wayback machine has terrible unreliable records of everything and i can never get some stuff back / track some stuff down. pain#anyways it’s stupid bc i feel cozy and listened to and as connected as i have the energy to be to all of u guys so why am i doing this. but#i miss the dA stuff too and i wish it wasn’t cringe and i wish i could have everything that’s ever been part of me all in one place. lol#also this doesn’t even take into account my poetry community on dA on my other account who i also felt so safe and cozy with and i abandoned#that too and lost touch with basically everyone even though we all knew each others deepest secrets for years.. the heartsickness of it all#anyways mutuals who knew me on deviantart i am clutching both your hands with impassioned urgency and kissing u on the cheeks. that’s all
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
I wonder how many times I’ve googled whether I’m having a panic attack or an anxiety attack...
#vent#hohohahhaoho anyways#I am sooooo bad responding to things....#anyways I’m literally less than five seconds my heartbeat shot up to 144 bpm so. fun <3 my lucky number 44 wouldn’t have it any other way#anyways I need to cry but I can’t cry so you understand. I’m pacing my room and standing with locked knees#and trying not to fumble or bump into things while makin my sister a snack while smilin and being normal <3#do u understand. ough what is with TODAY whhhhh. is it the aderall?? did the adderall fuck me up today?? or ?? wha??#oghghgg why am I so sweaty JUST in my pits like that’s the WORST spot to be sweaty in#kitty is here <3 she can sense when I’m crazy 🤪🤪#I’m at 160 now <3 ogohohoo ahhhhh I can’t lay down right like that the one thing you shouldn’t do with a fast heart rate#hoho anyways the crippling fear of not being who I need to be for the people I need in order to be#sounds chaotic and strange cus of phrasing but. you understand#anyways my heart doesn’t even get like this when I’m like. performing a full page monologue in front of my peers#I can pretend to be a cat for a minute and a half and tell the dog to stay in their place and not get into mine#uhmmm yea idk I want people to feel comfortable being serious around me and prove I’m the friend to go to for things or be the one who under#understands. but I always feel like. a pariah. is that the word? idk. when I feel confronted with things all I can do is like. run away. cry#suffer alone cus it’s what I deserve. yeaaaa I’m going insane can you tell I think this is the first time since like. February where I feeL#SO bad ugh idk what. I did this to myself the fuck?? haha. hope it doesn’t stress me to hair loss and skin picking and disorderd eating and#bad (or should I say worse HA) sleep habits. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm sorry my problems are minuscule to others and I haven’t had a day of#any real discrimination or struggle in my life#i have everything I need. all I have to worry about is doing class work and attending lectures and watching plays. I don’t have to get thing#a myself or worry about food or a place to live. wooofff uhmmm. I wish I had someone here to squeeze me until I don’t feel like crying any#more. oh I feel so bad what the hell. and my nail is breaking ahahaha imagine. a life where my biggest problem I have to face is#a nail breaking mhmhmhaha#haha when you hold in your tears so hard your nose drenches your chin. sorry that’s gross ahaha idk what I’m doing flooding your dash with.#whatever this is. I’ll try to stop now. sorry
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
the difficulty of trying 2 explain to ppl that im Not being self deprecating or belittling my mental illnesses when i say something that could be perceived as overly critical towards myself but that thise things actually r true abt me. ppl did die.
#i wrote a whole post trying to explain and then i realized it judt wasnt particularly worth it so i out it in the drafts. so i wrote for#like 20 minutes and all i got is soooo insanely dissociated . can we kill connor im sick of this fucking guy#idk. i wish often incould just project my brain on a wall or sometjing abd ppl would get it and i wouldnt have to explain it#bc everytjing i say even when it sounds crazy or it sounds oike im habing a breakdown its like. its how it actually is its the truth but#nobody ever fucking understands bc i cant. word it in a way that makes it make sense to people#like my most prominent 'delusion' i cant fucking explain it to people bc theyre like Woah thats rly rly rly concerning and sounds like its#rly harmful for yourself to believe that but it literally isnt I have to believe it bc its one of the only things that actually is keeping#me alive but if i ever fucking talk abt it nobody understands it#sometimes it is very scary and it makes me miserable that its true but i know that it is true. ive woken up in terror crying abt it Multiple#times but ik that its true and its a good thing its true bc it means i am alive roght now. as alive as i always am at least#but wtvr. the post wasnt even originally abt that#it was abt dropout stuff and like. yk. bc when i say I dropped out bc i was lazy and whiny ppl think im being mean 2 myself and erasing like#the depression and the ptsd and the Identity shit and the dissociation and the panic attacks and the seizures and grief and stuff#but its like. yes all that also was going on but i also was just lazy. if i wasnt lazy i couldve judt fucking graduated and i wouldnt be#trapped now#<- That is only true for me . ik thats like a stupid thing to say but this is why i cant rlt Be honest abt how i feel abt myself dropping#out is bc i get horrific fucking guilt bc i Was judt lazy and fucking stupid and i Am a bad person for not graduating hs#but that is not true for other dropouts for other dropouts deopping out doesnt mean youre dumb or lazy and it doesnt make you a bad person#but its different for me ik everybody thinks theyre the exception but i am i Am just lazy i am just stupid and its my fault. specifically.#idk i need to go lke slam my head into a wall.#idk what happened i wasnt fucking doing bad and then i made like. a loghthearted post abt sometjing and derailed in the tags and now its#oh i remembered. i tried to sign up for a ged class and encountered 1 obstacle and fucking gave up . God. i loterally havent changed at all#we neeedddd to get rid of connor or at least get a bew one in so fucking sick of being rhe one im so sick of being Connor i dont want it#anymore . head on pike#idk. im fine. im just habing a momey. im.probably judt pissy bc i didnt sleep. maybe ill take an edible
1 note
·
View note