#and now i realize...even if i still do find it appealing...it is not. healthy.

[badcountryofficial]

I'm so lucky I realized all I did after my first long term relationship and not like...multiple in

[yridenergyridenergy]

Dir en grey interview translation notes around The Devil In Me

Just some of the more interesting bits from the single's booklet and from PHY vol. 25.

Kyo

He was the one who came up with the title, and the title was determined before they even attached a song to it. The band basically decided to set a date for a new single ahead of time, not too long after 19990120's release, then they had just one song selection meeting (usually, they have three) to pick a song to work with toward becoming "The Devil In Me". After scheduling a release date, they had to pick a title before even knowing what song would be part of that release for production/logistical reasons.

Kyo wrote the lyrics of The Devil In Me based on his sense of dissociation from world events, how his own issues are not aligned with what the world cares about. He finds that people's lives are sometimes pre-determined the moment they are born. It's really a reflection on: "Why am I the way I am?"

The chorus has so many layers because Kyo wanted to illustrate that inner evil, or wickedness.

While re-recording Yokan, Kyo realized that he used to sing in short bouts, taking a breath more regularly, whereas he's evolved to sing as much as he can in a single, long breath now.

The small changes made to the lyrics of Cage just serve to help Kyo feel more immersed in that old poem, but if he'd wanted to change the lyrics to represent his current mindset, clearly he would have composed a completely new, different song.

Kyo commented in PHY vol. 25 that if the producers wanted a band that sells a lot, they would have had to replace him with someone who is taller, has a nice face and that composes songs that appeal to a wider audience. But around their debut, Kyo had to bend to some of the producers' demands because he had to rely on their knowledge of what would make the band successful. He wanted to make a very dark band, but he had to accept to make songs like Yokan.

"It wouldn't be appropriate to sing about corpses and internal organs to a melodious song such as Yokan (lol)."

Kyo feels like Dir en grey is the toughest band for him to be a part of, because the band's shows are especially mentally difficult.

Kaoru

The music of The Devil In Me was Kaoru's idea.

Kaoru agrees that the song kind of ends in a way that the band could have, in the past, followed up on with a second section of the song, but they felt like ending it in a more simple way now, which still represents the band's current state.

Die

The band had a discussion in a dressing room during Tour23 Phalaris Final –The scent of a peaceful death- and that's where they came to an understanding of where they wanted to take the band next. Kyo brought them ideas on what he felt that the next single song should sound like, but in the end, at the selection meeting, the majority of the band chose a completely different song than the other of the 5 that Kyo preferred. He's fine with letting the majority win.

Die started working out in 2018 to make sure to stay in shape for stage performances, and I think that he mentioned that it's important for him to appear young and healthy so that the fans who follow the band also don't feel old.

For Die, he was in part less active on stage during the Dum Spiro Spero era because the songs were dark and complex, so he had to focus more. Because of that, he couldn't enjoy the actual shows as much.

Toshiya

Toshiya mentioned that doing commemorative tours and shows is really just fan service.

Toshiya described Dir en grey as a group of five dictators. Their enemies and friends/allies are all inside that group, and the past 25(+) years have been a continuation of challenges to bring the band forward despite this type of chemical reaction between five egos.

Apparently the band never has casual "weird" conversations where they chat about their interests of the moment, but they quietly observe the others without interacting, like by observing what kind of clothes they wear or are into.

Shinya

Contrary to the band's habit, the vocals did not even exist yet when Shinya had to compose and record his drumming for The Devil In Me. When the vocals were eventually recorded, they kind of matched what Shinya had expected.

However, overall, a couple of members of the band feel like The Devil In Me might be a song that people react to with: "I don't get it", rather that just liking or disliking it.

Shinya dissing The Marrow of a Bone again hahah.

Shinya described The Devil In Me as mysterious, inexplicable.

He started taking some lessons from Buck-Tick's "Anii" (Toll Yagami) to learn a new drumming method. In the past, at the very beginning of his career, Shinya used to wear lead weights at his ankles to hit the pedal heavier and develop muscles, but Yoshiki and other seniors told him how to actually play and he quickly got rid of the weight belts.

[remembrancer-of-heresy]

Sweet pleasures (Part 1)

Summary: You accidentally capture the attention of Lucius the Eternal while your world dies under the oppression of heretics

Lucius The Eternal/fem!Reader

Warnings: yandere, obsession possessive behavior, manipulation, intimidation, kidnapping, dubious consent, body horror

Word count: 2421

Song: The Sisters of Mercy - More

Good luck, guys. I tried very hard while writing all these horrors and erotica.

You're scared. You're very scared. It was unusual. Wrong. No. No. No. You always knew how to find a way out of any situation. Could always adapt to circumstances. Wear almost any mask. Anyone could like you. Well, apparently this last skill failed you.

You were born on one of the many Imperial Worlds. One of many hive worlds. Аather was a worker, mother a laundress. Joyless life at the middle levels. And a beautiful daughter. Only the daughter turned out to be strange. Behaved differently, thought otherwise.

You didn't want to live so poorly. So that your already short life passes unnoticed. But you didn’t intend to zealously serve the Emperor as a Sister of Battle. No, it was foreign to you. You weren't going to fight. Besides, you didn't have much faith in the Emperor. Of course you prayed and did not say heretical thoughts out loud. But what can you do?

You were quite beautiful. And healthy for your status. Could make friends with many people. Even the gloomiest arbitrators were touched by the sight of you when you were a child. You could become a courtesan. And then could become the concubine of a rich aristocrat. But such a role did not appeal to you either. Quite the contrary. Scared you away.

At some point you found yourself at one of the ports. Spent almost the whole week there. Due to fatigue at work, your parents did not notice your long absence. And at this time you were learning to read. Learned the jargon of smugglers and honest traders. Looked at the maps and kept an eye on the Mechanicum. Occasionally, on the sly. And sometimes openly.

They offered to take you with you. Show all these amazing worlds, but you knew it was a trap. But staying in your parents’ house was also a trap. No matter how you look at it, an honest life did not give anything, but only took away. That's why you started lying.

And you were good at it.

Who have you been in your short life? No actress can compare with your talent. You learned to play the organ. A couple of times pretended to be a nun to look at the holy relics. Made your way into the palace of the aristocrats as one of the maids of honor. They believed you easily. You even thought that you might have been born a psyker. But no, the Black Ship did not come for you.

A couple of times you even followed the mutants hiding in the bowels of the city. Maybe you are one of them? You felt pity for these creatures. They were different from people in appearance, but they were still humans. But they were disgusting to everyone. And you were loved.

You continued to ingratiate yourself with the arbitrators. The hands of the law, of course, could not refuse a lady in trouble and allowed you a lot. And you attended evenings with the nobility. You saw how it was possible to live. You ate and drank things you could never afford as a laundress. You were free and happy.

And you wanted to try so much. Feel it. And at some point you realized that you wanted to leave your world. You wanted to see the whole Imperium. To taste everything. You were ready.

And then Chaos came.

***

The resistance to the heretics did not last even a week. They were too strong. As you later found out, this was not just one band of space marines. There were several of them. Apparently the heretics pursued a new goal after the fall of Cadia. And your planet has become just an obstacle on the way, which can be turned... into entertainment.

You're probably lucky that you didn't meet any fanatics of Nurgle or Tzeentch. The Khornites would simply crush you. Only now you find that your part of the city was captured by the Slaaneshists... Hedonists and debauchees. Admirers of torture and lovers of using human flesh as a drug.

You tried to hide from them. Used every opportunity. The survivors looked at you and couldn’t help but share their shelter with you. they were so kind. You felt a shame. You were a liar but not an evil woman. In the end, you left this family hiding in the bowels of the city and took to the streets. You hoped to find a new shelter.

And in the end you encountered mortal cultists who were looking for city residents to make offerings to their masters. They rejoiced when they captured you. They mockingly consoled you. Caressed. But nothing more. They said that their lord should receive a whole and untouched toy.

At that moment, for the first time in your life, you felt helpless.

***

You fully appreciated the perversity of the Emperor's Children when you saw the main hall of one of the richest aristocrats. The golden and white walls were covered with pieces of human flesh. The heads of the statues were cut off and human heads were placed in their place. Men, women. Even children. Liters of blood flowed down the walls and floor. It was impossible to stay clean in this mess.

The center of the hall was filled with bodies. Alive and dead. Their bodies were joined in a brutal orgy. Although this word only narrowed down all the horror that was happening in this place. Men and women, young and old, mated like animals. They cut each other and themselves. They devoured human flesh, blood and even excrement. They sang, no, they shouted, drawn-out melodies. Mortals are mired in the ritual of the heretics, unable to resist.

And you could have ended up there... if you had not looked at the warrior who grabbed you with pitiful eyes. He liked your look. Stroking your head, he said that such a beauty should not die so early. Although you saw that among this mass there were also noblewomen who were much more beautiful and healthier than you. You definetly was a rare mutant.

And luckily for you, it was even easier for you to please the heretics. You didn't even have to try. Didn’t have to learn anything new, make an effort or try to understand the other person. No, they just liked your defenseless and vulnerable look. Something fragile that can be broken. Perverts.

You try not to shake so as not to drop the tray. You have been registered as a “servant”. You and several other slaves stood against the right wall, holding a tray with various dishes. Someone had drugs created from the tears of prisoners. Someone's got guts. You are lucky, on your tray there are fresh berries from the aristocrat's reserves.

The food was not intended for ordinary traitorous Space Marines, much less mortal cultists. They were having fun on the lower levels of the palace. No, you had to serve the gang leaders, who sat on pillows made of human skin. You looked at them sometimes, unable to contain your curiosity. But how you wanted to erase their image from your memory.

On the left side was a Space Marine, hairless and with incredibly bottomless black eyes. The mouth stretched out, more like a lattice. He slowly stroked his weapon, enjoying the “music” of the slaves. Next to him sat a half-man, half-bull. The huge armor was strewn with the skulls of defeated enemies. The Space Marine was talking with the main leader, lazily playing with the dissected brains of a slave with one hand...

The unfortunate man had just recently presented them with wine. The rest of the servants usually went back to their places to get a new tray. But apparently the space marines did not like the wine. Or, on the contrary, they appreciated it, and the heretic simply became bored. You couldn’t know the exact answer and it made you shiver.

On the right side lay an incredibly handsome man in pearl armor. Amber hair framed a pale, bored face without a single scar. The man was much more interested in sorting through his test tubes with the brightly colored substance. And given the rumors, you didn't want to know what was inside. A space marine with a gold-plated mask stood at a distance, keeping an eye on the orgy in the center. It was this sorcerer who was responsible for the ritual.

Well, in the center sat the leader of this gang. One of the slaves even recognized his name. Lucius the Eternal.

He was disgusting. His entire face, which looked more like a piece of raw meat, was covered with scars. Three flasks with a narcotic substance were attached to the space marine’s suit, which flowed directly through the tubes into the heretic’s flesh. The clawed teeth smiled as Lucius whispered to the bull, holding a glass of wine in his left hand. A daemonic sword rested nearby.

“They want sweets” - a servant approaches you and you flinch in surprise. The slave's eyes are empty and yet he looks straight into your soul. - “Bring them berries.”

Now it’s your turn. You inhale through your nostrils and slowly walk towards the Space Marines. You feel the other servants looking at you with pity. Soon you come to the heretics. The man in pearl armor and the heretic in a golden mask pay no attention to you. So you approach Lucius and his friend.

The man glances at you quickly... and freezes. Violet eyes shamelessly scan your body, especially looking at your face. Lucius takes a deep breath and you realize that he is trying to recognize your scent. A low laugh comes from his throat.

“Oh, I asked for something sweet,” the man runs his tongue over his teeth and you wince at how long it is. - “But I was expecting food, not a pretty face.”

You purse your lips and pick up the tray.

“I-I brought berries,” you babble before squealing in surprise as one of the arms grabs you. You can barely hold the tray of food in your hands, finding yourself next to Lucius. Your surprised gaze meets his mocking one.

“And the voice is sonorous.” - the man laughs to half-bull, hugging your body to himself. His hungry eyes linger on your parted lips. - “So you brought berries, sugar? Then feed me.”

You gulp at the slaaneshist's strange behavior, but comply. You take a bunch of grapes and bring one berry to the Space Marine’s mouth. Trying your best to focus on his ugly face and his hand on your waist. Ignoring the blood-sticky leather pillows and armor of your tormentor. Bloody, covered with faces frozen in agony.

The heretic opens his mouth and bites half of the berry, splashing the juice over your hand. The man moans and you tremble from his rough voice. But the worst thing is when he starts licking the juice from your palm. Extremely slowly and carefully. You've heard that, in addition to regular saliva, Space Marines also have poisonous saliva that can be used in battle. It's surprising he hasn't used it...at least not yet.

“I love the taste of your sweat, sugar.” - the man chatters his teeth in your face, but obediently eats another grape. - “And who were you before we captured your wretched planet? Hardly one of these poor things.” - the traitor lazily shakes his head towards the hall. - “We let all noble women in for the ritual. Well, some passed for new decor.”

The bull grins. He had already managed to eat half the brains of the slave, who somehow miraculously survived. The prisoner's eyes looked at you pleadingly with tears. They asked to be relieved of pain and suffering. But you couldn't. You need to take care of yourself.

“I-” - you try to squeeze out a word, but freeze mid-sentence. Who were you? What have you done useful in this life? Catching Lucius’ furrowed eyebrows, you begin to babble desperately. - “I-I don’t know. My mother is a laundress, and my father is a factory worker. I studied history at the academy and played the organ a little for the nobility. Pretended to be an official, keeping an eye on the cultists. D-dressed like a nun for fun. I tried all the jobs which I liked. Am I...am I a tramp?”

You are asking either yourself or Lucius. As if he knows who you are and what your destiny is. The man looks at you with an unblinking gaze before laughing madly. You look at him blankly, with a terrible feeling of foreboding, feeling his hand drop from your waist to your thigh.

“How funny you are, sugar! Such a rare thing. Instead of washing clothes, you decided to try everything at once. I see you don’t like living according to the laws of the Corpse Emperor at all, huh?” - you nod with displeasure, noting to yourself the bitterness of the truth. No you do not like it. Lucius sees this. - “Yes, you crave pleasure. And you can’t get enough of trying on more and more new roles. My mortal slaves with their little enjoyments are not worth your finger.”

The traitor buries his nose in your neck, inhaling your scent. You thought it was so easy for you to please a mortal heretic. But the Space Marine almost melted next to you. This was your salvation. And a curse.

“I'll take you with me.” - Lucius purrs, licking your neck. You feel his fingers begin to caress the inside of your thigh. Your legs tighten, some of the berries fall from the tray onto the pillows. This only makes the man laugh. - “You will see agony. Ecstasy. More."

You shrink into his hugs and caresses, unable to resist. Fear takes over your body. Lucius' fingers gently stroke your sex through your clothes and you can't hold back your shameful quiet moan. The man almost giggles like a young boy. The rest of the space marines don't pay attention to you two except the bull. He breathes loudly and shamelessly, carefully following The Eternal’s antics. Tears blur your eyes. What a humiliation.

A cacophony of cries of martyrs, clutching each other in pain and pleasure, can be heard throughout the hall. You see how their naked flexible bodies merge with each other and twist like a spiral. Many find themselves buried under the flesh, while others scream madly, unable to get out of the trap. You feel like they are looking at you.

You fall into darkness.

[skylitcreations]

Can I just say that I deeply appreciate Remedy showing a marriage that has problems but still works to sort through those despite terrible circumstances because they care about each other enough to do so? I see so many people assume the worst of Alan and Alice's marriage just from the brief glimpse we get while Alan is in the middle of a really rough point in his life to the point they assume she is in an abusive relationship and that she must be crazy to keep trying to find him and not move on.

But Alice made this very clear in AW2 that he didn't get mean until the writer's block hit. When most all of your income comes from your creative endeavors and you reach a block in that, there's a lot of pressure on you to create even when you can't. When you're the primary breadwinner of the home and everyone else relies on you and you can't do the one thing that makes you useful? It's devastating and can ruin so much of how you view yourself.

Did he handle that stress well? No, of course not. He was going through it and didn't care who he brought down with him. Was that healthy? No. It was the exact opposite. Something major had to happen for him to learn his lesson and realize he was being stupid. They clearly had a strained marriage cuz of that, and it could have ended with a divorce despite them loving each other. Sadly, the wake-up call he got was far worse.

Alan didn't know how to handle his negative emotions in a healthy manner, and now he's in a position where those negative emotions quite literally became a weapon against him and everyone he cares about. He's having to face his demons in the most extreme way, and it's made him realize what's truly important to him.

And Alice, haunted by everything that happened (and, eventually, being literally haunted) began to try and stop letting her fears drive everything and take control of things herself. Through this, she began to face her fear of the dark head-on in order to try and make sense of everything and see if she could get Alan (the REAL Alan) back.

They both pushed through because they care about each other more than they care about their faults. Marriage has its ups and downs because we as human beings have our ups and downs. It's not all happiness and roses. Marriage has its thorns. But if you only concentrate on the thorns rather than figuring out ways to work with those, then you'll miss the appeal of the roses and forget why you liked them in the first place.

[devine-fem]

Why do you ship damian and Jon? especially still as they are now in canon, I’m genuinely just asking…

This is a loaded question.

Firstly, my introduction to younger heroes was through Super Sons and I didn’t immediately ship them until I entered the fandom and had all their content clash together consistently in my head and it slowly made me realize the potential of the characters and what I was reading.

I’m more of a Damian Wayne enjoyer than anything in the batfam, he’s my favorite Batkid, then its Jason and Cass. I really enjoy his character and I also really relished in the potential Jon had with Damian and how he was a genuine friend.

I really do think that if done right then Damian and Jon being in some sort of relationship would not only be excellent representation but also, could fix a lot of troubling aspects of their character. Like their mantles and how their characters function in canon. Their relationship could be catalyst for them seeking a new mantle.

It’s more so built off of the mutual friendship they have for each other and how much they care about the other person.

A lot of people expect me to consider older Jon because he’s canon but no, I don’t like Jon’s age up for many, many reasons so I choose to ignore it.

Whoever chooses to get mad at me for it are hypocrites because you cannot honestly tell me there aren’t stuff about your favorite character that you don’t choose to ignore… every character in dc has done something problematic and if you didn’t ignore something, they wouldn’t be enjoyable.

People only want me to take in older Jon because they either hate the ship or weirdly enjoy Jon’s pseudo-relationship and feel threatened over Damijon even though it’s an entire fanon ship and can’t do anything to harm canon in the first place. You guys have the canon ship, why do you have to feel so threatened?

On Damian’s part, there’s flatline but I don’t personally feel threatened by his relationship/romance with her… she’s a fine love interest and I really enjoy her allegories of death, it’s interesting to think about and how that correlates with Damian’s grief with Alfred. There’s no reason for me to get so up and arms about Damian’s canon romances… it’s fandom… I think I would even like them a lot at some point when Nika gets some more content in the future. I also fear for her because she’s so new and has potential to become a character we grow to hate once other writers get their hands on her… (I have more thoughts on this but that’s all for now)

Jay… no… I’m sorry, there’s no appeal with him and Jon and with how it came about… I don’t find it likable.

Like I don’t actually want Damijon to be canon ever, really, it’d be a nightmare in the longrun with how these writers handle queer relationships.

And yes, people are always like “Damian and Jon had an age gap even before the age up-“ Dude, their ages were infamously inconsistent in comics that weren’t Super Sons, sometimes they had a 1-2 year age gap if you put them on a certain timeline in canon. Super Sons is what established the age gap, and even after Jon was aged up, till Taylor took it, they still had an inconsistent age gap. Jon’s age was inconsistent and Damian was also aged up but people tend to forget that.

Jon and Damian don’t have canon birthdays and didn’t know each other for that long before the age up. The age gap is probably much smaller. Even Taylor sometimes refers to it as “2-3 years” but he’s never consistent on any basis so…

I simply just think they’re 1-2 years apart in my head, or sometimes 3 as well. But I also, don’t consider them being in a healthy romantic relationship unless they are adults. No one should consider Jon and Damian actually being able to hold a relationship while they are young, it wouldn’t work. Any shipping I do while they are younger, is because that's where they peaked and it’ll be entirely innocent.

If they were to be in a relationship as they’re older, I seriously do think they can be incredibly happy together. I feel they are somewhat the perfect person for the other.

Thanks for the ask.

[punkeropercyjackson]

Within the structure of Pjo canon,transfem Percy holds a lot more weight than Percy being attracted to any male character does.Percy as a character since her conception was made to defy traditional manhood and while it's true that positive masculinity is something that deserves to be represented in children's media much more often,she's far from the right character for it because the thing is the reason Percy is who she is she's completely lacking in masculinity fullstop.This dosen't necessarily mean she can't be a gnc man but 1.She can be a woman too since genderfluid,bigender and other multigender people exist and they can be transfem by being amab 2.It is erasure to masculinize Percy regardless of what gender you see them as.Transfem Percy is straight up transmisogynistic because in canon she's feminine but transmasc Percy isn't any better because it's just 'you can only be a trans man if you're masc' regurgitation

Percy is constantly said to be different from male characters with an emphasizes on them being men-Piper saying she's not her type because she's not manly looking like Jason,her as a heroic foil to Luke who's pretty much the personafication of ancient greek men and their brutal nonstop violence to ancient greek women,the overhanging theme that Percy never wants to be a god because she dosen't want to turn into her dad or Zeus or any of the MANY men who've hurt her and it's her plot with Zoe to prove herself as nothing like ordinary men.And the thing about that last one is,the fandom loves to call the Hunters of Artemis te.rfy and say they have r*dfem energy but this is more on them because the Hunters never speak of biology,only gender identity and Titan's Curse wasn't 'Not ALL men',it was 'Yeah no men as a group are genuinely awful but Percy's built different than normal ones and that's why Percy's our protagonist and a role model for you'

She herself is aware of this-She's always insulting guys as she uses them being guys as the basis behind her dislike and often wonders what the appeal of being a guy even is,both from an attraction persective as she finds the male gods' extreme conventional attractiveness and stereotypically male to be really offputting and on herself as she frequently complains about having to live up to those things too according to society when she just wants to be Percy instead.She often shows a preference for femininity on both those aspects too and it's very important to note that Percy's positive important m/f dynamics are:Grover who is soft and sweet and considered 'unmanly',Beckendorf who is black and acts like her big brother,Frank who is a transmasc-coded moc and her family member,Jason who is an actual example of healthy and positive masculinity and that she met while having amnesia and most of all NICO who she sees as her kid brother,pseudo-son and is the first gay Percyverse character that was made gay by crushing on her but got over her because he realized she's not the ideal man he thought she was and calls her cute when saying this to her to reassure her she's still pretty because he loves her even if not like he thought because he thought they(her and him!)were something else

Now,i'm not saying Percy can't like boys at all.I actually headcanon her as bi and ship her with a good handful of male characters(Jason,Leo,Ethan,Carter and Magnus)but you are making her not Percy by removing her trauma involving men and resulting discomfort with them and her femme traits because these are major parts of her that make her who she is as much as her sense of humor,attitude and mannerisms do and while i hate him as a person and have since i was 12,Rick has stated that he never intended Percy as liking men romantically and has expressed no interest in changing that or ever stated Percy is cis but he did say he'd be happy and supportive of a poc playing Percy in adaptions and it says quite a lot that people get more angry over afrolatino Percy content-specifically that interpretation,the antiblackness focus in racist Pjo cannot be ignored-because it 'goes against canon' than they do over Percy having who she actually is taken away from her,the representation she provides as neurodivergent and poor protagonist who has zero conformity and is potrayed as cool and hot for it instead of a loser

Pjo fans think it's worse to say Percy's not a skater boy or stupid or lame or an egoist or dosen't has a thing for blondes than it is to turn an audhd abuse victim with implied bpd and ptsd who's an anarchist and works hard to break the cycle of abuse both personally and as a societal structure into a generic male mc.They think Percy would rather give up her entire self to be a man who's obsessed with every man she meets than be a femme trans woman or even just femme and they lash out when she is potrayed as transfem and only accept male femininity in her when it's for sexualizaton for guys they want her with instead of making herself happy.This is,without a doubt,transmisogyny

[solitaryearthperson]

Broken Promise

Summary: The reader is in danger and Elijah has no other choice but to protect them through compulsion.

(The reader is 18+ and uses they/them pronouns. The ethnicity/race is any.)

"You should watch your back, Elijah. Your love is quite a sight. It'd be a shame if something happened to them."

That was the last thing the vampire said to Elijah before his heart was ripped out. Even though the vampire is now dead, he knew that that threat was not empty.

"It'd be a shame if something happened to them."

Those words kept echoing in his mind, haunting him. I promised them, He reminded himself. I promised them and I failed.

He promised you and himself that he would never put you in any sort of danger. He promised to protect you from his family, his family's enemies, and anyone else he feared might bring harm to you.

I could hide them, he thought, his mind trying to think of ways that he could protect you now. No one would be able to harm them. 

The idea seemed appealing but he knew that it wouldn't work. He had already took many precautions to try to keep you as far away from the sights of his enemies and yet they still found out about you. I thought this could be different. I could be different. His cold, undead heart felt like it was gonna break into a million pieces as thoughts continued to run through his mind. He already knew what he had to do. It was a decision he had been dreading since the day he met you and realized you were the one for him. As someone who was not religious, he suddenly found himself praying to whoever to find other ways to protect you that didn’t involve this, but nothing came to him, at least nothing that would keep you happy and healthy and living a good life. 

“I must do it,” he told himself, pulling out his handkerchief and wiping the vampire’s blood off of his hand. 

“I must protect my love,” wiping off the last of it, he placed his handkerchief back into his pocket and left to go to you.

~

“Elijah,” you yelled his name from the kitchen, hearing the opening and closing of your front door.

When you didn’t hear any response from him, you dropped the dishes you were washing and placed them in the sink, before turning and leaving the kitchen. 

“ ‘Lijah,” you called again, walking to the front door to find him standing in the foyer, still not responding.

“ ‘Lijah, what’s up,” you asked, walking up to him. As you got closer, you saw that his usual chocolate brown eyes were glassy and they were looking at you with so much emotion that the sight made you stop your footsteps in shock. “ ‘Lijah, what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry, my love,” he apologized, his voice trembling. He quickly came forward and wrapped his arms around you, placing your head onto his chest.

“What’s wrong, ‘Lijah? Why’re you sorry?” you asked trying to pull away and look at him, but he continued to hold you against him.

“I broke my promise to you.”

He didn’t have to say anything else. You knew what he meant and you instantly felt your own heart breaking at what that meant.

“Elijah, it’s going to be alright,” you tried to tell him, hoping to change his mind, but you knew that his mind was already made up. After you two had confessed your love to each other for the first time, he made the promise to always protect you from anything and anyone. He had told you about his past lovers and the terrible fates that met them and you assured him that that would never happen to you and you were going to stick by his side. “I’m going to be alright.”

A sniffle was your only response and you finally were able to pull back from him and see that a tear was rolling down his face.

“Elijah, please,” you pleaded, grabbing his face and looking into his eyes, seeing the sadness, fear, and defeat in them. “Please, I can take care of myself.” 

“(Y/N),” he said, his sad, brown eyes becoming dilated as his compulsion began. “I have put you in danger and I am sorry. I promised to protect you and I failed. You will not remember me or our relationship. You will not remember anything of our love.” Another tear rolled down his face as he saw your (E/C) eyes were glazed over under his compulsion. “When I have gotten rid of the enemy and can guarantee your safety, I will lift the compulsion and you will remember me. Until then, my love,...I’m sorry.” He placed a kiss on your head and let you go. 

Before he could see your eyes go back to normal, he turned and quickly left your home, his mind coming up with different ideas of what he was going to do the enemy who chose to threaten your life. 

[slobberjaws]

Venus had been bedridden again, brought her meals for the day.. It was all healthy things, which wasn't much of a bother, when they were prepared by the best chefs in the castle just for her.. Of course, she hasn't been allowed to eat anything typically inedible in months now, agonizingly.

She could wallow in her sacrifice all she liked, until a knock at the door came. Hulemy moved quietly to answer the door, in that precise, very delicate manner she held about herself. Not even her tail swung without meaning.. Such a prim attendant... As she spoke quietly to the person on the other side. Venus could hear Abbie's voice, finally come to visit her again between his duties.

Hulemy stepped aside and allowed him entry, nodding and taking her leave to attend to her own matters while Abbie took her place for the moment.

"How've you been darling..?" he asked gently, stepping into the room with a soft click of the door behind him. "Has the food been alright?"

@realteethwhore

Venus has had to change her form multiple times due to the slowly growing mass in her gut. Oberon had been pretty big- Venus wasn't exactly why she didnt realize the eggs would grow big too. At this point in time the castle's princess had been laying in bed regardless, finding herself just a bit too sore to stand anymore recently. Her feet were absolutely sore and her back was clearly complaining just as much. So she laid under a nice warm light, tail gently curled against the crook of her body.

The princess had lifted her head quietly once she had heard the knock on the door and Hulemy moving to go answer it. That tail of her's had thumped quietly against the mattress once she had realized who had come to finally visit her again. Hulemy was doing such a nice job keeping her company, but it isnt like she couldn't miss one of her darling lovers afterall!

"Ohhh Abbieee~!!" She cooed, seeing him walk in to meet her. "Oh you knoooow.... I uh... still miss the inedibles, but the food's been good as always. Somehow you guys make healthy still appealing..."

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Jen 💜 I was wondering if you had any advice on how to start living for yourself instead of for other people. I’m realizing this is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life, and I’m not sure how to figure out what I like and what makes me happy, because for so long my standard has been “what do other people want from me? What do other people think is impressive?” I spend my high school and college years trying to measure up to my best friend, and now, after a rough breakup, I find myself trying to compete with my ex. Even though we’re not in contact and I don’t follow her online anymore, I still have this persistent feeling of her judgment in my mind whenever I do (or don’t do) anything. I feel the need to compare myself and my progress to her life even though I’m realizing that I don’t actually want to do the things she’s doing. But I feel like just being me isn’t enough, you know? Sorry, I feel like this may be kind of vague and rambling, haha.

I think a lot of us feel this to some extent or another. I needed to, first and foremost, learn to say “no” when I don’t want to do something. It really starts with being honest with myself. Am I saying “yes” because something is appealing to me or even because I know I can offer help and that will make me feel good OR am I saying “yes” to avoid being seen as rude or mean?   

Often I found myself either saying “yes” or passively agreeing to something because I thought it was the response expected of me and to say “no” would allow another person to suffer. Most of the time we all are willing to do something to alleviate the pain or fear of others but  I had to learn to weigh the consequences to my own health and life. (financial, emotional, physical etc.) 

Once I was coming out of a 17 year relationship I realized I had based much of the trajectory of my life on what I thought she needed/wanted and what was expected of me as a parent and a partner to another woman. I had to drastically rethink my life because after about a year apart I was still doing the same things and every move I made seemed dependent on what she would think, how she would react or what societal expectations. I had never wanted to be a mom and I certainly did not want to be a mom in the way I thought others wanted me to be a mom. 

I literally sat down one day and penned out my parenting style as opposed to what I was doing. In one column it was “I would do it this way” and in another was “I do it this way” and after each was a “because” column.  SO  I would “tell my kid they can’t have the candy and explain it is too much money” BECAUSE “I want them to know the truth and money is tight” And then I would reflect on how I had been handling things “I would tell them NO to the candy” and be upset because I was stressed I could not afford it BECAUSE “My wife would tell me it was mean to tell kids we don’t have enough money since it makes them feel like we are poor”. 

It did not take too much of this exercise to realize many of my reactions were,  more often than not, a proactive reaction to how I knew OR thought another person would react to my decision. Predicting a  reaction is one thing that we need to be able to get along with others and live in a social world. Restructuring our entire way of handling every situation to appease others is not healthy if it is a constant restraint we have to be aware of just to live day to day. When we have to expend the mental energy to make sure each action and decision will not cause us conflict with those in our lives we need to rethink the people we are “answering to” Are these the people we need around us if we find ourselves going against every instinct we have to just function?  

I discovered that my constant effort to define my actions by the parameters others were setting on me was exhausting. We all have to make some concessions to be part of groups but when we give up our natural way of handling situations to control the judgment of others we can forget that we are capable of handling things our own way. AND, in the end, we can’t control the actions of others anyway. 

This is all sort of the preamble to the idea that we base our success on what others see as success. Good parents are “seen” a certain way. Good employees “act” a certain way. Success is money, things, vacations, long term relationships and on and on. Our social structure is set up to reward these things that are “the dream life” but whose dream?   You need to figure out what truly gives you happiness. Is it money? Tropical vacations? Or is it a job you have that you love but aren’t “supposed” to do because it isn’t fancy or glorified by the media?  Some people that work at gas stations make a living wage, get benefits and love the daily interactions with regulars they have formed relationships with yet they are constantly told they need to “move up” or that what they do is not important or fulfilling. Is it less work and more time with your friends? Is it evenings at home with your dog? 

You are enough. And what you enjoy is enough. If you can pay your bills, take care of yourself and live within the means you have decided to earn, that is success. Adding fulfillment and happiness to that is icing on the cake. When we are with a partner or friends we often do things we don’t necessarily enjoy but being with them makes it worth it. When we are on our own time we can decide for ourselves and that freedom can feel pretty nice.

[mamamittens]

Not bed time yet but I am having some fun considering this in my head.

More nonsense for Nikia's story!

You know, when I was making her, I did consider other shippy stuff besides Thatch.

Mostly my top fav blorbos, because why not?

It's not a long list (will likely be longer when I actually catch up to OP)

Ace was tempting but out because I mostly just want to hug the poor bean. He needs more of those and some light teasing, it's what he deserves. Nikia and Ace would just devolve into sibling bullshit, I can see it now. She just pesters the shit out of him and while a little bit of that is fine, thats not usually a very healthy couple dynamic.

Marco was another nice idea but that's just my bird + even cooler bird = Really Cool ✨ birds ✨ thought process at work. He also deserves some head kisses though, make no mistake, but less aggressive than Ace's and more "sleep now, u fucking workaholic". They'd vibe together really well though in chill time.

Shanks... I just don't think Nikia could take him seriously and the excessive drinking would not appeal to her at all. Just a no go all around but she would find him fun to hang out with at a party so long as she didn't have to drink too.

And that's about as far as my thoughts went before zeroing in on Thatch for no discernable reason.

Actually, I think it's the smile. I just really like a nice smile.

Funnily enough, I also put some thought to his most popular ship, Izo X Thatch. Not sure how it happened, to be honest. Though I can see why with some thought, it's not as intuitive as Marco X Ace (what with all the fire and contrasting traits). I would be interested to know how this ship got so ubiquitous, it may just be a case of these two not having many other ships in general.

Which raised the question of putting Nikia in there too, but I'm still a tad thrown with the idea of shipping my SI (as somewhat warped from myself as she is) with anyone, let alone two people.

But it has popped up in my mind again. It would give me more plot to thicken up the overall story. Hate writing short stories for OCs, seems like a waste, idk how else to put it. And it would give more reason on Thatch's side to not initiate if him and Izo have a more open relationship. Maybe they can take another lover if the other approves or at least knows (I imagine this is a useful rule as long as you don't get jealous and it helps avoid any awkwardness if it's suddenly revealed).

Some fun drama of Izou chiding him for stringing some poor girl along for a fling and Thatch being offended like "I don't want a fling though! That's the problem!" So they unpack that together as Izou chides him more for giving her his nicest foulard despite not going for it at all. But ultimately understanding why he doesn't because damn, that would be pretty rude to enter a serious commitment only to leave her most of the year while he gets to stay with his other lover. And she hasn't taken a lover of her own yet so she'd literally be left in the cold waiting for him to call! He can't do that! Not to mention it seems a bit much to throw in Izou to the mix when it took so long for Thatch to warm her up to him.

Too complicated and messy despite really wanting it.

And it would give me the perfect opportunity to let Nikia know earlier since Izou would definitely call her once the dust settled. Might keep the dick move of having her still think Thatch is dead but as a deliberate ploy from Izou to partly keep her safe if Teach found out about their... Thing they had going on and so she doesn't accidentally reveal Thatch survives (or maybe at first Izou really did think he'd die). The other part was in the hopes that she'd find someone she could actually commit too without the complicated bullshit of being in a long distance relationship with pirates.

Probably takes a bit to realize that she absolutely really loved Thatch more than a friend and feels horrible for lying.

She doesn't and always asks how he's holding up before even hinting at her own grief, which doesn't help Izou feel any better about lying. Izou would get some shit for that and he feels increasingly worse for his ruse as he calls her regularly to talk. Feels nice to mourn a (sort of) lover with someone who isn't also reeling from the personal betrayal of a shared brother. Maybe he catches feelings too (Thatch will laugh hard at him for this). Admits that he'd have approved wholeheartedly if given the chance but stops before including he would have liked to be involved too, she'd have fit so well with their dynamic on board. Stops because he meant to let her keep her feelings to herself to mourn as she wants without mixing himself with it (how mortifying to be told my a 'dead' man's lover that they know how you felt after the fact the whole time) but the call breaks down into a very emotional one that, once again, does not help his guilt.

Just, the timeline where I bully everyone for a needlessly long time before letting them be happy.

Or maybe I won't do any of that at all but it does make the overall story more interesting, that's for sure!

[my-mt-heart]

Wanted to add on to the JDM discussion, but need to do so anonymously, for a few reasons. First off, much thanks to anon and yourself for being open to healthy debate on this. Maybe I won’t be accused of forcing opinions on people this time, lol.

It took me months to properly unpack the ramifications of his choice. When this all started, I first found those tweets kind of relieving of the emotional turmoil and confusion we were all being bombarded with. And AMC’s statement felt condescending. So in the moment I appreciated that a key voice was just talking to us like people, and was willing to address the elephant in the room. I made a post about it sharing my personal feelings, and was heckled a lot for it. I think there are people in the fandom who still dislike me on that basis, which is funny because after 11 months my opinion has evolved from there.

Evidently, he was not aware of what really happened. I don’t think his intent was to spread falsehoods or cause harm, but unfortunately those tweets did a tremendous amount of irreparable damage. People are too willing to look at a woman in her 50s in this industry and believe that she really fought her way out of a contract and jeopardized all her future work opportunities, because she was tired. (Sidenote: I don’t think the selfish ‘fans’ who want Melissa far away from RTD for their own personal reasons, realize how difficult it will be for her to find other work at her age. Or that potential employers will take into account what kind of SM PR an actor will bring to their project). Anyway there are countless people who believe she really needed a break and there is no changing that in their minds because of where it came from. We’ll never know what Norman would have said on Fallon if the script hadn’t been changed.

Jeffrey sadly created a huge PR mess, which I can undoubtedly say was met with consequences. An old set photo of Melissa and Jeffrey doesn’t depict what their relationship might be like currently. AMC neglected to send him (and by proxy LC) to SDCC (filming was just a convenient excuse)—possibly a punishment for going off script, but more likely, to entice Melissa to be there.

I was at the finale event, and the interactions I personally witnessed when the cameras weren’t rolling were very telling, to say the least. They painted a clearer picture of how Mel really feels about Jeffrey, about Norman, and about Gimple. And I’m really content to leave it at that. It’s really everything that’s already been said multiple times on this account.

Thank you for sharing your perspective and you're right that your opinion should be allowed to evolve. I don't think anyone was sure what to make of the situation a year ago, and I include myself in that as well. Whether through a fans' POV or someone with industry experience, it was all so weird. It's sad that we're still seeing the collateral damage and maybe some of that can never be fixed, though I would hope AMC are well on their way to fixing what's in their power for Melissa's sake and for her fans. I was going to get into the challenges of Melissa finding other work a little later, but since you brought it up, I should probably just do it now. I can already visualize people foaming at the mouth lol

We know Melissa has plenty of talent and a stellar reputation. That's beside the point. In an industry where sexism and ageism are still running rampant, there's going to be less leading roles available for women over 35, let alone 50. Even less for women who don't dye their hair and therefore won't appeal to men 18-49. Other considerations include an actress' social media footprint and where they're based. Melissa isn't active on SM and she's not on either coast. None of these are "faults" of hers. This is all just to say, I can understand if she chose not to go down that path and judging by all the buzz about her joining the Caryl spinoff, it seems like maybe she did not. That doesn't mean she's settling for anything less than she deserves. She'll get to be the leading lady, playing a character we know she loves, and she'll likely have the leverage to create a better work environment for herself, where she'll be respected and valued.

[datastate]

do you ever kind of fucking lose it over the sheer amount of things shigeo does for total strangers. taking the time to befriend a traumatized, ill-informed guy whose clearly being manipulated by his boss despite it being the middle of a crisis. saving a bunch of random kids because his brother cares about them. getting hit by a truck for a kid he doesnt know because he doesn't have enough time to use his powers. he's not 100% (heehee) selfless and he constantly does not do things for other people that he could definitely do but there's an emotional aspect to risking yourself for someone you love and an entirely different one for risking yourself for someone just because theyre a person and they dont deserve this

it's genuinely one of the most appealing parts of the series!!! shigeo's still young, but it's because he's been shaken to the reality of what his powers are capable of so early on that he ends up. taking this responsibility in crisis. he's doing what he can to prevent destruction/death (without using his powers on living beings, because he considers that in itself. dangerous), and will show people the destruction they've brought as well. not in a malicious way, but because he is giving them the benefit of the doubt that they don't understand the gravity of misuse.

many of the other espers them are reluctant to admit this because they've already experienced isolation due to their powers and have found relief in being able to show that. you can see the catharsis at shigeo's breaking point in the mogami arc -- finally reclaiming this and feeling justified in it at this point. my words may be a bit messy here & i apologize, but. i really loved this arc for how painful it was to watch by comparison to what shigeo actually wants. and it was very interesting to me seeing that it's not just his memories of the people he personally cared for that brought him back, but what brought him here at all: "i came here to save someone" ... that moment brings back the heart he tried so hard to keep, even when his classmates wouldn't bother with him. he instead directed it to other living beings whose provocation he could understand - and because he now understands that this reality was intentionally meant to provoke him, that's when he understands he's the same as other human beings in justifying his right to exist. everyone is trying to guarantee their safety; the ambitious see safety as 'power' and others may see safety as 'apathy' ... but granting someone that chance to step into actual safey -- unconditional support -- is incredibly important for setting that first stone of a new path that doesn't rely on violence to guarantee it. and with all he's gone through, he's been forced to save himself from the brink of that, too. re-realize that acting upon violence would begin to carve into his personal bonds as well. it goes against what reigen asked of him, and it would force ritsu to relive the pain mob put him through with the added fear of his intention.

just! ahhh, this is specifically within the context of mp100's message, some parts i find to be a bit more difficult to apply on a large scale -- but again, this is an anime meant for younger audiences and it does so, so well at conveying the importance of having that stance that ignorance is one of the main causes of interpersonal conflict. whether it's willing or unwanted, that's what a lot of the antagonists end up confronting ... or even force shigeo to acknowledge!!

i was surprised (in a good way!) when i first realized that ritsu was going to be the antagonist, especially because it put his kindness toward shigeo in a new light that is really valuable for both of them! it plays into a fear that both of the kageyama kids have, and having ritsu admit that aloud finally gave them both a chance to. acknowledge this and work toward finding a healthy balance again. he'd seen proof of shigeo's improvement when fighting suzuki, managing to control its extreme when he recognized ritsu was afraid of seeing him fall to that psychic overdrive. &... in a weird sense, i feel like ritsu would be relieved seeing that mob's final psychic overdrive wasn't merely the cause of stress, but near-death; an uncontrollable situation where something had to take hold to make sure shigeo survived. this was a sudden shock to shigeo's whole that forced him to confront the internal conflict quickly instead of that slow process of reconnecting with that part of himself; & ritsu now has the power to help shigeo. not defend himself, but extend what he'd been asking for so long & never pushed mob to confess: is something wrong ?

i am getting. a bit off-track but just. handshaking you. this series is so, so good and i love the connections they manage to find and keep after battles. shigeo is such a good character for this because he carefully balance's a child's hope for others along with confronting the results of his own psychic breakdown, leading him to a much wiser position of how to help other people realize their own naivete;;

[forevertrueblue]

Tony Stark fans, I feel like I've abandoned you. And I want to talk about it.

I've been a Marvel (mostly MCU) fan for roughly a decade now. First casual, then somewhere between casual and hardcore, and now it's been one of my top fandoms since around the time Black Panther and Infinity War came out. Tony/Iron Man has been the one I've called my fave for so long (since I saw Iron Man 3 in 2013; before that it was Cap) and have always stuck by that but lately I've been realizing how distant I feel from that side of the fandom and the content in general. Some of that was deliberate, because after awhile I realized I wanted to find PEACE with his MCU story rather than just complain about it, and a lot of others were still so stuck on their disappointment.

I would still read fics and stuff (still do at times!) but maybe because of the mixed feelings (projects like Endgame and some others have changed how I view certain earlier ones and find them more difficult to revisit now, both with Tony and other characters) I find myself not rewatching the content from that era a lot anymore. I did watch all 4 Avengers movies earlier this year but a few weeks ago my dad was watching Iron Man 3 on TV and I was so weirded out at how distant and almost alien it felt to me, and we're talking about the Iron Man trilogy movie I consider my favorite. I don't NOT like it, but the connection I used to feel was now more like "omg how could I have forgotten about xyz!" which made me feel like a fake fan.

So there's that and how I feel like I'm on a completely different wavelength from the rest of that side of the fandom. And I sort of know why. I've managed to make peace and move on, while a lot of them haven't. I know that's healthy, and normal for fandom, but what is kind of eating at me is that this feels different because I'm still very much in the Marvel community, just in a different way. Now, that was my plan for after Endgame, because I knew I wanted to cover this stuff "professionally" and liked the idea of being a bit more of a neutral party. (And I have been doing that, and it's been great!) But then the Loki show happened.

I won't go on about it but the Loki show did a lot of things which appealed to me specifically. (It even did some things I wanted them to do with Iron Man's story, which has given me some solace.) But man is it weird to feel more of a connection with the Loki side of the fandom right now than the Iron Man one; not like having the same mindset as the fandom because it's very divided and I know the show is a point of contention with a lot of people (believe me, as someone who was very much against a certain element of the show while it was airing and have now come around on it, I sympathize with a lot of different viewpoints), more like being more up-to-date with the goings-on and stuff. I get that it's part of my job since it's a current project, but yeah.

And I know this is the nature of fandom, and things will continue to change. (It's interesting because I can actually track my life in this way.) But this in particular feels weird because I'm still very much in the Marvel fandom, and it's interesting because after 5 years I would normally have a different "main" fandom by now (and I have had a few come, go, and come again) but thinking about it maybe I sort of do? Marvel is vast and does have a lot of subfandoms after all, so I guess I've just changed allegiances, except not really because Tony is dead and I'm just mostly focusing on more current stuff, but you know what I mean.

I guess because it really feels like I'm "betraying" the Iron Man fans, and that I "gave in" to Marvel and am still on the train when many others are not after what happened to him in the end, plus what happened in Spider-Man: No Way Home because the IronDad legacy and Spider-Man were what a lot of us were holding onto after Tony was gone. (That movie actually made me glad Tony died before the forgetting spell happened and I think that ending - even as is, without Tony forgetting - might have turned me off the MCU, at least for awhile, if I hadn't already been more attached to the Loki characters by that point.)

I'm interested (and kind of scared) to see how I'll look back on this in another 5 years. I'll probably be cringing in some way, like I do with every other fandom, or maybe even because of posts like this. Like I said in the intro, I really would love to talk about all this will people so I encourage anyone who has thoughts on any of this to message me about it!

[lousyglitch]

about twitter (or how I learned to get back to worrying and stop loving the bomb)

Maybe a global 'public square' doesn't lead to worldwide empathy, but to a planet-sized arena of miscommunication where a 15 y/o english student with ADHD fights a 53 y/o cuban programmer over the ethics of self-diagnosis with both sides throwing personal anectodes at the other.

I don't wanna think that's the case, I wanna believe in the promise of the internet, but I'm not sure I can point to the algorithm filter bubbles or even the low character limit and state that that's the cause of all our problems.

It makes things *worse* though, don't get me wrong.

Wait, no, my whole point is that you *will* probably get me wrong, cause we probably don't share the same (or are even cognizant of each other's) cultural background, experience, neurodivergences or even mother tongue, twitter is a final fantasy boss designed by Wittgenstein.

All these barriers *can* be crossed if we come from a place of curiosity rather than judgement and take the time to learn about each other, but we're not gonna (and can't) do that to 500 strangers every day, and that sucks, I love the lack of structure in twitter .. in theory.

But maybe tumblr (and even reddit) work a bit better *because* they're more atomized (tumblr isn't as organized, but you're still far less exposed to random stuff from completely outside your circles), the dream of the mega-agora is appealing, and maybe someone somewhere will make a version of it that really will nail it, that will lead to people understanding and valuing their differences, but the versions of it we've had so far just remove all context from everyone we meet, which lead to more and more generalizations, cause that's how we came to think about each other.

My primarily experience with "popular tweets" was seeing broad sweeping statements about "men" or "women", or "incel cryptobros" or "leftist sjws", even sillier labels like "swfties" or "k-pop stans", the average interaction there is trying to figure out which boxes someone fits to speedrun human interaction, and that's... how an algorithm thinks.

I don't even think it's wrong, I did my best to communicate I fit the boxes "anarchist", "adhd", "non-binary", "artist", "retro sci-fi anime fan", I block alt-right weirdos on sight and make fun of checkmarks, I have practically pre-written replies to some kinds of people, but every now and then I feel the slight existential dread of realizing I could program a bot to do *the exact same thing*.

That's not what I wanna use my brain for, I've read big threads of different people fighting in different years play out virtually the exact same way, we're responding to decontextualization by adopting the same generalized signals, and I don't wanna become a bot, man.

What I mean is that neural networks trained to "sound human" are fed countless tweets by random people from all walks of life to try to mimic this amorphous idea of a vague human who doesn't have any of the individual qualities of a person.

And that's what I was doing, too.

I had a tumblr before, ages ago. I was still checking boxes then, mainly about fandoms, and every version of living online will involve some of that. But I believe that there's a healthy version to be achieved, communicating shorthands for who you are and what you like so you can find potentially likeminded people. Maybe I can achieve that here, again.

I think I did once, when I was too young to even realize it, and then I left it all and swam towards the social media event horizon.

See, the thing about working from home, online, is that I never really stopped spending the majority of my time in a computer, more than most of my IRL friends, most of whom have real world jobs and are sure as hell a lot closer to a balance than I am.

I kept thinking of the internet like entertainment, not too different from TV or video-games, so I kept looking to what drew my attention more effectively, just go where the current takes me, why would I put rules on fun? But it hasn't been fun. It hasn't been fun for a while, now. Because I didn't give myself rules, and the "current" metaphor doesn't work when there's an actual poseidon made of code controlling the direction of the currents.

Sometimes, you have to consciously chase the fun.

So, you know, hi.

[mangodestroyer]

I moved into a dorm originally to get away from someone. But still thinking, "Maybe I'll have some support system?"

Now? Well, other things started happening. Because they always do. And now I realize that if I didn't decide to do this when I did... I'd probably be on my way to homelessness.

So... I at least have the next year planned out. I might be okay for the next two or three. I'll for sure be much more proactive about looking into ways I can fund everything and network. Hopefully, I can get a nice job out of all this (I've already been accepted for two nice part-time jobs in the meantime).

It sucks. I've been having a hard time processing everything. It feels like everything keeps getting fucked up in the stupidest ways possible (I mean... literally a lot of this is being caused by people acting stupid and dysfunctional).

It makes things a little interesting. Right now, I wouldn't exactly say that I'm "fucked." We still have some options here. And tbh, this does kind of make the idea of graduate school more appealing. If I know it will lead me into a niche that pays well, and if I'm able to find funding for it and get cheap housing (lots of fields require a master's these days for most of the good jobs).

And never in my life have I been more motivated to actually talk to and try to get to know people. I tended to keep to myself a lot when I was younger, and this year, I realized just how harmful that can be. I didn't have a whole lot of people to turn to when things started going very wrong.

And yeah, sometimes, I find myself thinking, "What if I just found a healthy partner or a really good friend? I'd have someone to fall back on if things get worse." And I know that's not healthy. And not a good way to think considering my background. I am at a high risk of ending up in toxic relationships. I DID end up in one! And you should never underestimate how much a toxic person can fuck up your life. And yeah, unfortunately, predators go for people who are uncertain or desperate. And that's just something that makes this thing all the more devastating.

Trying to improve my mental health issues, while dealing with all this, is hard. Having mental health issues can be... not great for developing healthy companionship. Healthy companionship would probably be something that helps with them tbh (just seeing that I could, in fact, bond with someone who doesn't have ulterior motives and that the world isn't a hideous place). But, you know, I'm not sure what vibe I put out these days. It's not exactly uncommon for people from an unhealthy background to have... a vibe. Whether or not they're malicious. This is why I have been educating myself on whatever issues might be coming from this, and doing what I can to take care of it. I use things that help with enhancing mood and everything. I also recently came to realize that I may be anemic and started taking iron... which has done a shocking amount to help out actually. I also look out for red flags in others. I've been studying this for quite some time. I feel like my street smarts have improved quite a bit. But ofc, I'll never be entirely sure. Like... I know I'm still sometimes ending up around people who may not be the healthiest. I have more of a desire to avoid them. More than ever, I do NOT feel right when I'm around it. On the flip side, I've talked to people for months, even years, who never gave me weird vibes. And I always come out of conversations feeling refreshed.

Guess I'll just have to see how things play out in the next three years. Despite everything, I sometimes get a good feeling that I might manage.

[safethaw]

Driveway Reseal Cost: What You Need To Know For Budgeting

So, you're staring at your driveway and thinking it's looking a bit under the weather, right? Time to talk about resealing that bad boy. It's kind of like deciding to repaint your living room – you know it'll freshen things up, but you're also wondering what it'll do to your wallet. Let's dive into the whole driveway reseal cost and make sense of it together, shall we? The Whole "How Much Is This Going To Cost Me?" Question First things first, let's tackle the big question: how much is the driveway reseal cost? It's not just about slapping some sealant down. There are a few bits and bobs to consider, kind of like when you start a simple DIY project and suddenly find yourself knee-deep in a Home Depot shopping spree. - How Big is Your Driveway Anyway?: Size matters here, folks. A bigger driveway is like a larger canvas for an artist – it needs more paint (or sealant, in this case), and that means more moolah. - The Current State of Affairs: If your driveway is more cracked than a dry desert, it's going to need some TLC before you even get to the resealing part. It’s like needing to clean and do some minor repairs in your room before you can start painting. - Choosing Your Potion – I Mean, Sealant: Sealants are a mixed bag. You’ve got your budget-friendly options and the fancy schmancy ones. The high-end stuff might promise to keep your driveway looking like new for longer, but it’ll take a bigger bite out of your budget. - DIY or Call in the Cavalry?: This is where you need to ask yourself – are you feeling brave (and handy) enough to take on the task, or is it time to call in the pros? DIY can save some cash, but if your last home project turned your kitchen into a scene from a sitcom, maybe leave it to the experts. - Extras – Because There’s Always Something: Sometimes your driveway might need a bit extra – like filling in those moon-like craters or dealing with some pesky stains. It's like realizing you need to buy new brushes and rollers when you start that painting job. Setting Your Budget Without Breaking Into A Sweat So, let's get down to brass tacks. The driveway reseal cost typically hovers around $0.14 to $0.25 per square foot. For an average driveway, you're probably looking at about $100 to $200. It’s like budgeting for a weekend getaway – a manageable expense, but still something you need to plan for. Why Resealing Your Driveway Isn't Just Throwing Money Down The Drain Resealing your driveway is kind of like getting regular checkups at the dentist – it’s about preventative care. A well-sealed driveway not only looks snazzier but also holds up better against the elements, saving you from more expensive fixes down the line. It’s an investment in your home's curb appeal and longevity. A Quick Word On Those Pesky Winter Salts If you're living where Jack Frost likes to visit, you know all about the havoc winter salts can wreak on driveways along with the cost for driveway sealing. These salts are like junk food – they solve a problem now (melting ice) but aren't great in the long run (hello, cracks and potholes). That’s where Safe Thaw comes in. It’s like the healthy salad of ice melts – effective and doesn't leave a mess (or damage) behind. It’s gentle on your driveway and doesn’t contribute to the wear and tear which means more frequent resealing. Read the full article