#and now i realize...even if i still do find it appealing...it is not. healthy.

[badcountryofficial]

I'm so lucky I realized all I did after my first long term relationship and not like...multiple in

[yridenergyridenergy]

Dir en grey interview translation notes around The Devil In Me

Just some of the more interesting bits from the single's booklet and from PHY vol. 25.

Kyo

He was the one who came up with the title, and the title was determined before they even attached a song to it. The band basically decided to set a date for a new single ahead of time, not too long after 19990120's release, then they had just one song selection meeting (usually, they have three) to pick a song to work with toward becoming "The Devil In Me". After scheduling a release date, they had to pick a title before even knowing what song would be part of that release for production/logistical reasons.

Kyo wrote the lyrics of The Devil In Me based on his sense of dissociation from world events, how his own issues are not aligned with what the world cares about. He finds that people's lives are sometimes pre-determined the moment they are born. It's really a reflection on: "Why am I the way I am?"

The chorus has so many layers because Kyo wanted to illustrate that inner evil, or wickedness.

While re-recording Yokan, Kyo realized that he used to sing in short bouts, taking a breath more regularly, whereas he's evolved to sing as much as he can in a single, long breath now.

The small changes made to the lyrics of Cage just serve to help Kyo feel more immersed in that old poem, but if he'd wanted to change the lyrics to represent his current mindset, clearly he would have composed a completely new, different song.

Kyo commented in PHY vol. 25 that if the producers wanted a band that sells a lot, they would have had to replace him with someone who is taller, has a nice face and that composes songs that appeal to a wider audience. But around their debut, Kyo had to bend to some of the producers' demands because he had to rely on their knowledge of what would make the band successful. He wanted to make a very dark band, but he had to accept to make songs like Yokan.

"It wouldn't be appropriate to sing about corpses and internal organs to a melodious song such as Yokan (lol)."

Kyo feels like Dir en grey is the toughest band for him to be a part of, because the band's shows are especially mentally difficult.

Kaoru

The music of The Devil In Me was Kaoru's idea.

Kaoru agrees that the song kind of ends in a way that the band could have, in the past, followed up on with a second section of the song, but they felt like ending it in a more simple way now, which still represents the band's current state.

Die

The band had a discussion in a dressing room during Tour23 Phalaris Final –The scent of a peaceful death- and that's where they came to an understanding of where they wanted to take the band next. Kyo brought them ideas on what he felt that the next single song should sound like, but in the end, at the selection meeting, the majority of the band chose a completely different song than the other of the 5 that Kyo preferred. He's fine with letting the majority win.

Die started working out in 2018 to make sure to stay in shape for stage performances, and I think that he mentioned that it's important for him to appear young and healthy so that the fans who follow the band also don't feel old.

For Die, he was in part less active on stage during the Dum Spiro Spero era because the songs were dark and complex, so he had to focus more. Because of that, he couldn't enjoy the actual shows as much.

Toshiya

Toshiya mentioned that doing commemorative tours and shows is really just fan service.

Toshiya described Dir en grey as a group of five dictators. Their enemies and friends/allies are all inside that group, and the past 25(+) years have been a continuation of challenges to bring the band forward despite this type of chemical reaction between five egos.

Apparently the band never has casual "weird" conversations where they chat about their interests of the moment, but they quietly observe the others without interacting, like by observing what kind of clothes they wear or are into.

Shinya

Contrary to the band's habit, the vocals did not even exist yet when Shinya had to compose and record his drumming for The Devil In Me. When the vocals were eventually recorded, they kind of matched what Shinya had expected.

However, overall, a couple of members of the band feel like The Devil In Me might be a song that people react to with: "I don't get it", rather that just liking or disliking it.

Shinya dissing The Marrow of a Bone again hahah.

Shinya described The Devil In Me as mysterious, inexplicable.

He started taking some lessons from Buck-Tick's "Anii" (Toll Yagami) to learn a new drumming method. In the past, at the very beginning of his career, Shinya used to wear lead weights at his ankles to hit the pedal heavier and develop muscles, but Yoshiki and other seniors told him how to actually play and he quickly got rid of the weight belts.

[remembrancer-of-heresy]

Sweet pleasures (Part 1)

Summary: You accidentally capture the attention of Lucius the Eternal while your world dies under the oppression of heretics

Lucius The Eternal/fem!Reader

Warnings: yandere, obsession possessive behavior, manipulation, intimidation, kidnapping, dubious consent, body horror

Word count: 2421

Song: The Sisters of Mercy - More

Good luck, guys. I tried very hard while writing all these horrors and erotica.

You're scared. You're very scared. It was unusual. Wrong. No. No. No. You always knew how to find a way out of any situation. Could always adapt to circumstances. Wear almost any mask. Anyone could like you. Well, apparently this last skill failed you.

You were born on one of the many Imperial Worlds. One of many hive worlds. Аather was a worker, mother a laundress. Joyless life at the middle levels. And a beautiful daughter. Only the daughter turned out to be strange. Behaved differently, thought otherwise.

You didn't want to live so poorly. So that your already short life passes unnoticed. But you didn’t intend to zealously serve the Emperor as a Sister of Battle. No, it was foreign to you. You weren't going to fight. Besides, you didn't have much faith in the Emperor. Of course you prayed and did not say heretical thoughts out loud. But what can you do?

You were quite beautiful. And healthy for your status. Could make friends with many people. Even the gloomiest arbitrators were touched by the sight of you when you were a child. You could become a courtesan. And then could become the concubine of a rich aristocrat. But such a role did not appeal to you either. Quite the contrary. Scared you away.

At some point you found yourself at one of the ports. Spent almost the whole week there. Due to fatigue at work, your parents did not notice your long absence. And at this time you were learning to read. Learned the jargon of smugglers and honest traders. Looked at the maps and kept an eye on the Mechanicum. Occasionally, on the sly. And sometimes openly.

They offered to take you with you. Show all these amazing worlds, but you knew it was a trap. But staying in your parents’ house was also a trap. No matter how you look at it, an honest life did not give anything, but only took away. That's why you started lying.

And you were good at it.

Who have you been in your short life? No actress can compare with your talent. You learned to play the organ. A couple of times pretended to be a nun to look at the holy relics. Made your way into the palace of the aristocrats as one of the maids of honor. They believed you easily. You even thought that you might have been born a psyker. But no, the Black Ship did not come for you.

A couple of times you even followed the mutants hiding in the bowels of the city. Maybe you are one of them? You felt pity for these creatures. They were different from people in appearance, but they were still humans. But they were disgusting to everyone. And you were loved.

You continued to ingratiate yourself with the arbitrators. The hands of the law, of course, could not refuse a lady in trouble and allowed you a lot. And you attended evenings with the nobility. You saw how it was possible to live. You ate and drank things you could never afford as a laundress. You were free and happy.

And you wanted to try so much. Feel it. And at some point you realized that you wanted to leave your world. You wanted to see the whole Imperium. To taste everything. You were ready.

And then Chaos came.

***

The resistance to the heretics did not last even a week. They were too strong. As you later found out, this was not just one band of space marines. There were several of them. Apparently the heretics pursued a new goal after the fall of Cadia. And your planet has become just an obstacle on the way, which can be turned... into entertainment.

You're probably lucky that you didn't meet any fanatics of Nurgle or Tzeentch. The Khornites would simply crush you. Only now you find that your part of the city was captured by the Slaaneshists... Hedonists and debauchees. Admirers of torture and lovers of using human flesh as a drug.

You tried to hide from them. Used every opportunity. The survivors looked at you and couldn’t help but share their shelter with you. they were so kind. You felt a shame. You were a liar but not an evil woman. In the end, you left this family hiding in the bowels of the city and took to the streets. You hoped to find a new shelter.

And in the end you encountered mortal cultists who were looking for city residents to make offerings to their masters. They rejoiced when they captured you. They mockingly consoled you. Caressed. But nothing more. They said that their lord should receive a whole and untouched toy.

At that moment, for the first time in your life, you felt helpless.

***

You fully appreciated the perversity of the Emperor's Children when you saw the main hall of one of the richest aristocrats. The golden and white walls were covered with pieces of human flesh. The heads of the statues were cut off and human heads were placed in their place. Men, women. Even children. Liters of blood flowed down the walls and floor. It was impossible to stay clean in this mess.

The center of the hall was filled with bodies. Alive and dead. Their bodies were joined in a brutal orgy. Although this word only narrowed down all the horror that was happening in this place. Men and women, young and old, mated like animals. They cut each other and themselves. They devoured human flesh, blood and even excrement. They sang, no, they shouted, drawn-out melodies. Mortals are mired in the ritual of the heretics, unable to resist.

And you could have ended up there... if you had not looked at the warrior who grabbed you with pitiful eyes. He liked your look. Stroking your head, he said that such a beauty should not die so early. Although you saw that among this mass there were also noblewomen who were much more beautiful and healthier than you. You definetly was a rare mutant.

And luckily for you, it was even easier for you to please the heretics. You didn't even have to try. Didn’t have to learn anything new, make an effort or try to understand the other person. No, they just liked your defenseless and vulnerable look. Something fragile that can be broken. Perverts.

You try not to shake so as not to drop the tray. You have been registered as a “servant”. You and several other slaves stood against the right wall, holding a tray with various dishes. Someone had drugs created from the tears of prisoners. Someone's got guts. You are lucky, on your tray there are fresh berries from the aristocrat's reserves.

The food was not intended for ordinary traitorous Space Marines, much less mortal cultists. They were having fun on the lower levels of the palace. No, you had to serve the gang leaders, who sat on pillows made of human skin. You looked at them sometimes, unable to contain your curiosity. But how you wanted to erase their image from your memory.

On the left side was a Space Marine, hairless and with incredibly bottomless black eyes. The mouth stretched out, more like a lattice. He slowly stroked his weapon, enjoying the “music” of the slaves. Next to him sat a half-man, half-bull. The huge armor was strewn with the skulls of defeated enemies. The Space Marine was talking with the main leader, lazily playing with the dissected brains of a slave with one hand...

The unfortunate man had just recently presented them with wine. The rest of the servants usually went back to their places to get a new tray. But apparently the space marines did not like the wine. Or, on the contrary, they appreciated it, and the heretic simply became bored. You couldn’t know the exact answer and it made you shiver.

On the right side lay an incredibly handsome man in pearl armor. Amber hair framed a pale, bored face without a single scar. The man was much more interested in sorting through his test tubes with the brightly colored substance. And given the rumors, you didn't want to know what was inside. A space marine with a gold-plated mask stood at a distance, keeping an eye on the orgy in the center. It was this sorcerer who was responsible for the ritual.

Well, in the center sat the leader of this gang. One of the slaves even recognized his name. Lucius the Eternal.

He was disgusting. His entire face, which looked more like a piece of raw meat, was covered with scars. Three flasks with a narcotic substance were attached to the space marine’s suit, which flowed directly through the tubes into the heretic’s flesh. The clawed teeth smiled as Lucius whispered to the bull, holding a glass of wine in his left hand. A daemonic sword rested nearby.

“They want sweets” - a servant approaches you and you flinch in surprise. The slave's eyes are empty and yet he looks straight into your soul. - “Bring them berries.”

Now it’s your turn. You inhale through your nostrils and slowly walk towards the Space Marines. You feel the other servants looking at you with pity. Soon you come to the heretics. The man in pearl armor and the heretic in a golden mask pay no attention to you. So you approach Lucius and his friend.

The man glances at you quickly... and freezes. Violet eyes shamelessly scan your body, especially looking at your face. Lucius takes a deep breath and you realize that he is trying to recognize your scent. A low laugh comes from his throat.

“Oh, I asked for something sweet,” the man runs his tongue over his teeth and you wince at how long it is. - “But I was expecting food, not a pretty face.”

You purse your lips and pick up the tray.

“I-I brought berries,” you babble before squealing in surprise as one of the arms grabs you. You can barely hold the tray of food in your hands, finding yourself next to Lucius. Your surprised gaze meets his mocking one.

“And the voice is sonorous.” - the man laughs to half-bull, hugging your body to himself. His hungry eyes linger on your parted lips. - “So you brought berries, sugar? Then feed me.”

You gulp at the slaaneshist's strange behavior, but comply. You take a bunch of grapes and bring one berry to the Space Marine’s mouth. Trying your best to focus on his ugly face and his hand on your waist. Ignoring the blood-sticky leather pillows and armor of your tormentor. Bloody, covered with faces frozen in agony.

The heretic opens his mouth and bites half of the berry, splashing the juice over your hand. The man moans and you tremble from his rough voice. But the worst thing is when he starts licking the juice from your palm. Extremely slowly and carefully. You've heard that, in addition to regular saliva, Space Marines also have poisonous saliva that can be used in battle. It's surprising he hasn't used it...at least not yet.

“I love the taste of your sweat, sugar.” - the man chatters his teeth in your face, but obediently eats another grape. - “And who were you before we captured your wretched planet? Hardly one of these poor things.” - the traitor lazily shakes his head towards the hall. - “We let all noble women in for the ritual. Well, some passed for new decor.”

The bull grins. He had already managed to eat half the brains of the slave, who somehow miraculously survived. The prisoner's eyes looked at you pleadingly with tears. They asked to be relieved of pain and suffering. But you couldn't. You need to take care of yourself.

“I-” - you try to squeeze out a word, but freeze mid-sentence. Who were you? What have you done useful in this life? Catching Lucius’ furrowed eyebrows, you begin to babble desperately. - “I-I don’t know. My mother is a laundress, and my father is a factory worker. I studied history at the academy and played the organ a little for the nobility. Pretended to be an official, keeping an eye on the cultists. D-dressed like a nun for fun. I tried all the jobs which I liked. Am I...am I a tramp?”

You are asking either yourself or Lucius. As if he knows who you are and what your destiny is. The man looks at you with an unblinking gaze before laughing madly. You look at him blankly, with a terrible feeling of foreboding, feeling his hand drop from your waist to your thigh.

“How funny you are, sugar! Such a rare thing. Instead of washing clothes, you decided to try everything at once. I see you don’t like living according to the laws of the Corpse Emperor at all, huh?” - you nod with displeasure, noting to yourself the bitterness of the truth. No you do not like it. Lucius sees this. - “Yes, you crave pleasure. And you can’t get enough of trying on more and more new roles. My mortal slaves with their little enjoyments are not worth your finger.”

The traitor buries his nose in your neck, inhaling your scent. You thought it was so easy for you to please a mortal heretic. But the Space Marine almost melted next to you. This was your salvation. And a curse.

“I'll take you with me.” - Lucius purrs, licking your neck. You feel his fingers begin to caress the inside of your thigh. Your legs tighten, some of the berries fall from the tray onto the pillows. This only makes the man laugh. - “You will see agony. Ecstasy. More."

You shrink into his hugs and caresses, unable to resist. Fear takes over your body. Lucius' fingers gently stroke your sex through your clothes and you can't hold back your shameful quiet moan. The man almost giggles like a young boy. The rest of the space marines don't pay attention to you two except the bull. He breathes loudly and shamelessly, carefully following The Eternal’s antics. Tears blur your eyes. What a humiliation.

A cacophony of cries of martyrs, clutching each other in pain and pleasure, can be heard throughout the hall. You see how their naked flexible bodies merge with each other and twist like a spiral. Many find themselves buried under the flesh, while others scream madly, unable to get out of the trap. You feel like they are looking at you.

You fall into darkness.

[dwobbitfromtheshire]

Will stomped to Melvald's, a rather large cloud of frustration hanging over his head. Mike and Lucas were too worried about their stupid girlfriends to bother playing D&D. . .again. He doesn't get it. What's so great about having girlfriends? He didn't get the appeal. He wished Dustin were here. He always understood. He burst into the store, not really paying attention to where he was going. He didn't realize that Hopper was in there talking to Joyce.

"I can come back," Will said when they looked at him.

"No, honey, come on in," Joyce said. "Is there something wrong?"

"Mike and Lucas blew me off for their stupid girlfriends again!" Will exclaimed.

"Hey," Hopper said. "I get that you're upset but that's my daughter."

"Sorry, you know that I don't think that El is stupid, just that Mike is spending all his time with her," Will said, and Joyce snorted.

"Hopper was just complaining about the very same thing," Joyce said.

"It is stupid. . .they're always together, and they're always kissing," Hopper said, scowling. "They're only 13!"

"Always?" Will asked.

"Yes, they never seem to come up for air!" Hopper yelled.

"That doesn't sound very healthy," Will said.

"See? The kid agrees with me," Hopper said, clapping a hand on his shoulder.

"Emphasis on kid," Joyce teased, and Hopper glared at her.

"Don't they know that other people exist, too?" Will asked.

"Doubt they can see anything else," he scoffed.

"They're young and in love, this phase will pass," Joyce said. "Sometimes, they do this when they're infatuated. It might seem like forever, but they'll find a balance eventually. You just have to be patient."

"Yeah, right," Will and Hopper both said, crossing their arms and rolling their eyes.

"I just don't like girls," Will frowned.

Hopper and Joyce went quiet as they shared a look.

"Oh, well, sweetheart," she said, taking his hand. "That's okay, that's more than okay. You know, I love you, right? Nothing is ever going to change that. I don't find anything wrong with that, I'd be hypocritical considering what I did when I was younger and still do now. You're not alone, baby."

"I love you, too, mom," Will said, smiling.

What was she talking about, though? He shook his head mentally. He didn't want to know what she did when she was younger, and he wasn't sure what it had to do with him not liking girls.

"Do you want me to leave?" Hopper asked.

"What? No," Will said. "Why? Did I say something wrong?"

"What?! No, of course, not!" Hopper exclaimed. "It's alright to like whatever you like. . .never got why people would be so upset by it. . .you know, some people like different things. Some people like oranges, you know, just oranges, and some people just like bananas. . .you know there are some people like both at the same time. . . Some like a variety. . .it all depends. Hell, I'm not good at this. . .anyway, like your mother said, I would be a hypocrite, too. She knows that more than anyone."

"People eat oranges and bananas at the same time?" Will asked.

"Well, it depends on how talented a person is," Hopper smirked proudly.

"Hopper!" Joyce scolded and then laughed.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Will asked in confusion. "I'm lost. I thought we were talking about the fact that I'm never going to find a girl I like."

Joyce and Hopper's eyes met again as their eyes widened like they realized they had messed up.

"We were just trying to make you feel less awkward about not finding a girl you like," Joyce said. "And that it's okay if you never do."

"Mission accomplished, I guess," Will laughed. "That was even more awkward than my thing."

"Well, you know, you can always be honest with us about anything, you know that, right?" Joyce asked. "I mean, when you're ready. . .I'm happy with whatever makes you happy."

Will stared at his mother. Should he tell her? Oh, he should. Will took a deep breath.

"Mom. . .," Will said, and she gave him a look of encouragement. "I hate the bowl cuts you give me. There, I said it."

"What?" Joyce asked in surprise.

"I'm sorry, but mom, they're terrible. They make me look like a mushroom!" Will exclaimed, and Hopper howled with laughter.

Joyce gave him a look, but she couldn't help but laugh with him.

"That's it? Oh, honey, how long have you been feeling this way?" She asked.

"A while," he admitted.

"I'm not hurt, although it hurts me a little to know that you were so miserable," Joyce said, chuckling. "Next time, don't be so afraid to tell me something like that. We'll figure something else out."

"If you want, I can cut your hair, and I promise not to make you look like a mushroom," Hopper grinned.

"Thanks, Hop," Will said.

"Whenever you're ready. . .in the meantime, maybe I'll never play the game, but I wouldn't mind hearing what it's all about," Hopper said. "Who knows? Maybe I can figure something out. If it sounds like fun, I'll give it a try."

"You want to hear me talk about D&D?" Will asked.

"Yeah," Hopper said, smiling softly at him.

Will beamed. Lonnie never wanted to hear about his game or even try to play. Mom and Jonathan always loved to hear him talk about it. Even though they didn't play, they listened to him like Hopper was trying to now. Will bit his tongue. He so badly wanted to say "thanks, dad" because Hopper had always been more of a father than Lonnie ever had been. Will didn't know what else to do except to throw himself into Hopper's arms, hugging him tightly.

"Aw," he heard Joyce mutter.

Will led Hopper to a couple of chairs up front and started pulling out his notebooks along with his manuals. Will fired off immediately, talking rapidly and passionately about his character. He could feel eyes on them both, however. Will glanced up briefly to find Joyce staring fondly at them both, her eyes drifting more towards Hopper. She didn't even notice when a customer came in.

"Mom?" Will called out. "Mom?! There's a customer!"

"Oh!" Joyce exclaimed and cursed when she knocked something off the counter.

Stupid, Will thought affectionately. Maybe love made you do stupid things, and he thought about Nancy sneaking out of Jonathan's room so many times, nearly making them late for work. . .yeah, Will never wanted to fall in love. . .he never wanted to be that stupid. It was cute on his mom and Hopper, though he wished they'd stop being so dumb. He wished they would get together. They were already practically a family. Stupid, Will thought again.

[skylitcreations]

Can I just say that I deeply appreciate Remedy showing a marriage that has problems but still works to sort through those despite terrible circumstances because they care about each other enough to do so? I see so many people assume the worst of Alan and Alice's marriage just from the brief glimpse we get while Alan is in the middle of a really rough point in his life to the point they assume she is in an abusive relationship and that she must be crazy to keep trying to find him and not move on.

But Alice made this very clear in AW2 that he didn't get mean until the writer's block hit. When most all of your income comes from your creative endeavors and you reach a block in that, there's a lot of pressure on you to create even when you can't. When you're the primary breadwinner of the home and everyone else relies on you and you can't do the one thing that makes you useful? It's devastating and can ruin so much of how you view yourself.

Did he handle that stress well? No, of course not. He was going through it and didn't care who he brought down with him. Was that healthy? No. It was the exact opposite. Something major had to happen for him to learn his lesson and realize he was being stupid. They clearly had a strained marriage cuz of that, and it could have ended with a divorce despite them loving each other. Sadly, the wake-up call he got was far worse.

Alan didn't know how to handle his negative emotions in a healthy manner, and now he's in a position where those negative emotions quite literally became a weapon against him and everyone he cares about. He's having to face his demons in the most extreme way, and it's made him realize what's truly important to him.

And Alice, haunted by everything that happened (and, eventually, being literally haunted) began to try and stop letting her fears drive everything and take control of things herself. Through this, she began to face her fear of the dark head-on in order to try and make sense of everything and see if she could get Alan (the REAL Alan) back.

They both pushed through because they care about each other more than they care about their faults. Marriage has its ups and downs because we as human beings have our ups and downs. It's not all happiness and roses. Marriage has its thorns. But if you only concentrate on the thorns rather than figuring out ways to work with those, then you'll miss the appeal of the roses and forget why you liked them in the first place.

[devine-fem]

Why do you ship damian and Jon? especially still as they are now in canon, I’m genuinely just asking…

This is a loaded question.

Firstly, my introduction to younger heroes was through Super Sons and I didn’t immediately ship them until I entered the fandom and had all their content clash together consistently in my head and it slowly made me realize the potential of the characters and what I was reading.

I’m more of a Damian Wayne enjoyer than anything in the batfam, he’s my favorite Batkid, then its Jason and Cass. I really enjoy his character and I also really relished in the potential Jon had with Damian and how he was a genuine friend.

I really do think that if done right then Damian and Jon being in some sort of relationship would not only be excellent representation but also, could fix a lot of troubling aspects of their character. Like their mantles and how their characters function in canon. Their relationship could be catalyst for them seeking a new mantle.

It’s more so built off of the mutual friendship they have for each other and how much they care about the other person.

A lot of people expect me to consider older Jon because he’s canon but no, I don’t like Jon’s age up for many, many reasons so I choose to ignore it.

Whoever chooses to get mad at me for it are hypocrites because you cannot honestly tell me there aren’t stuff about your favorite character that you don’t choose to ignore… every character in dc has done something problematic and if you didn’t ignore something, they wouldn’t be enjoyable.

People only want me to take in older Jon because they either hate the ship or weirdly enjoy Jon’s pseudo-relationship and feel threatened over Damijon even though it’s an entire fanon ship and can’t do anything to harm canon in the first place. You guys have the canon ship, why do you have to feel so threatened?

On Damian’s part, there’s flatline but I don’t personally feel threatened by his relationship/romance with her… she’s a fine love interest and I really enjoy her allegories of death, it’s interesting to think about and how that correlates with Damian’s grief with Alfred. There’s no reason for me to get so up and arms about Damian’s canon romances… it’s fandom… I think I would even like them a lot at some point when Nika gets some more content in the future. I also fear for her because she’s so new and has potential to become a character we grow to hate once other writers get their hands on her… (I have more thoughts on this but that’s all for now)

Jay… no… I’m sorry, there’s no appeal with him and Jon and with how it came about… I don’t find it likable.

Like I don’t actually want Damijon to be canon ever, really, it’d be a nightmare in the longrun with how these writers handle queer relationships.

And yes, people are always like “Damian and Jon had an age gap even before the age up-“ Dude, their ages were infamously inconsistent in comics that weren’t Super Sons, sometimes they had a 1-2 year age gap if you put them on a certain timeline in canon. Super Sons is what established the age gap, and even after Jon was aged up, till Taylor took it, they still had an inconsistent age gap. Jon’s age was inconsistent and Damian was also aged up but people tend to forget that.

Jon and Damian don’t have canon birthdays and didn’t know each other for that long before the age up. The age gap is probably much smaller. Even Taylor sometimes refers to it as “2-3 years” but he’s never consistent on any basis so…

I simply just think they’re 1-2 years apart in my head, or sometimes 3 as well. But I also, don’t consider them being in a healthy romantic relationship unless they are adults. No one should consider Jon and Damian actually being able to hold a relationship while they are young, it wouldn’t work. Any shipping I do while they are younger, is because that's where they peaked and it’ll be entirely innocent.

If they were to be in a relationship as they’re older, I seriously do think they can be incredibly happy together. I feel they are somewhat the perfect person for the other.

Thanks for the ask.

[alliseearekingsandthieves]

Hi!

First of all, I'm in love with your work, I think your time travel fic might be one of the best ones I read on mha so far!

It's so original, the way Shigaraki ponders each decision like he's in a videogame is so charming, and I love your Kurogiri!

Also your Hana survived AU is such an original idea.

Speaking of, my real question for you.

What are your thoughts on canon Shigaraki?

The fact that in your AU he still had one family member he cared about around during his formative years means that he now has that tad more of emotional intelligence (even though his stats are still shit) to be honest with himself about his feelings for his League. Therefore, he thinks about them with genuine care, reflectiong on ways he can take care of them better this time around, proving that he noticed stuff about them even in the first run. Not that he's all healthy, he's possessive in a way, and I'm surprised the fact that surrounding himself with people he cares about while working against AfO might be dangerous for them hasn't yet crossed his mind, but still.

He cares, he knows he cares, he's working to show he cares.

Canon Shigaraki on the other hand, the one who spent fifteen years of his life with zero human contact aside from his sensei and a nomu, do you think he realizes he needs the league on a different level than their skill sets? Does he care more about total destruction or about giving them the freedom they desire? Does he listen to their reasons to be villains, is there some anger for them too in that bundle of hate inside of him? Does he miss Kurogiri, does he think of him as a parental figure? Does he know that they care for him?

I guess you could summarize the question like this: does Shigaraki canonically love his League, and do they really care for each other, or is it just us wanting to see this group brought together by desperation and isolation happy?

Fuck, I'm sorry, this is a super complicated question.

Thank you for reading, sorry for the headache, have a good day ✨

Hi! Wow! Thank you so much for enjoying my work! I'm glad it's something which appeals to you and that it's entertaining! Thank you so much for reading and for your kindness!

Regarding your question: no worries! I get it! This question is complicated but I love to ramble!

My thoughts on canon Shigaraki are complicated and they are colored by the fact that I haven't read the comic properly in several years! There's a ton of people out there who do some really clever analysis work on him and how he is; I am very much not one of them. The following information is probably wrong and when I reread the comic and find I'm wholly incorrect about a ton of things in this answer, I'll shrivel up inside. This is gonna be long and rambly, so buckle up!

Anygay, I don't really love canon Shigaraki all that much. I don't think enough was really done to justify why the League is so devoted to him, so a lot of my work is meant to weave into the places where the reader wasn't allowed and explain where he might've had softer points with them. Like a lot of other LoV fans, I am fixated on the part where he tells his League they should be able to get what they want. And I don't think he really truly wants total devastation as much as he wants the world to just stop hurting.

His name literally means "mourning" and All for One made him wear his family's hands so that he would never stop feeling terrible. He always seems to me like destructive grief. When you're passively suicidal, you want to stop existing for a while. He wants everything else to stop existing, and I see that as grief more than anything else.

He's got all the mental trauma and very little of the reason for said trauma up until he fights Re-Destro and suddenly it comes flooding back. He cannot physically handle his emotions and violently rejects them over and over again through vomiting. His body seems constantly like it's trying to reject Overhaul's quirk and I would make guesses that he feels ill and unsettled all the time, but it keeps turning into bad temper because he's got no other outlet. I could make some metaphors here about how discomfort in your body leads to you harming others and/or harming yourself when you lash out, but I can't think of something with a 1:1 ratio right now, sorry.

He's constantly destroying things, but it's not just other people's things; he destroys his own things in fits of rage and then has to deal with the fact that he did. He's obviously very mentally unwell and has no tools for fixing that, and he dies thinking of his League and how he wanted to be their hero, which does suggest that he loved them a lot.

I've mentioned before that I read the Smash! comics (not recommended and I did not like the humor most times), and the Shigaraki in those is a little funnier and more openly awkward and weird. He wants to make friends with the League and wants them to see him as cool, and you can watch him kind of struggle through that in some of the little League comic strips. My favorite is the one where he wants to show the League how great he is by playing Dark Souls, like, buddy...

But him wanting to impress the League and keep them around him is canon. He has to try and convince them to stay with him and he takes vengeance for Magne. (I can't say for sure that it's really on her account though as the narrative seems to drop her existence afterward and she doesn't show up in his line-up for the League of Villains when he says he wants to be their hero, so it's like :/) He lets Compress attack Overhaul first in order to avenge his arm, he defends Himiko, he and Spinner are Very Close. I think he and Dabi do not vibe in the goddamn slightest, which is probably due to Dabi's loose cannon tendencies and Shigaraki's own temper.

I don't know if he loves Kurogiri in canon! I think he takes them for granted, but that could be chalked up to the fact that he's twenty, twenty-one, and at that age, you take your parents for granted. Or that could be my "Kurogiri is his dad!!!" lunacy talking and it could be that Kurogiri is just an adult who he can trust and he's acting out to see where the boundaries are. Because canonically, as much as Kurogiri defends him, All for One is still the "favored parent."

TL;DR I think canon Shigaraki loves his League the best he can, but I think he knows it wasn't enough in the end. I think we are reading more into it than we're shown because we want them to be happy, and they were at points! They were happy! It just wasn't enough to save them.

(But that's what fanfic's for, right?)

Haha, thanks for the ask and for enjoying my work! I loved trying to answer this question and I hope it makes at least a little sense. Have a marvelous rest of your day and stay safe!

[slobberjaws]

Venus had been bedridden again, brought her meals for the day.. It was all healthy things, which wasn't much of a bother, when they were prepared by the best chefs in the castle just for her.. Of course, she hasn't been allowed to eat anything typically inedible in months now, agonizingly.

She could wallow in her sacrifice all she liked, until a knock at the door came. Hulemy moved quietly to answer the door, in that precise, very delicate manner she held about herself. Not even her tail swung without meaning.. Such a prim attendant... As she spoke quietly to the person on the other side. Venus could hear Abbie's voice, finally come to visit her again between his duties.

Hulemy stepped aside and allowed him entry, nodding and taking her leave to attend to her own matters while Abbie took her place for the moment.

"How've you been darling..?" he asked gently, stepping into the room with a soft click of the door behind him. "Has the food been alright?"

@realteethwhore

Venus has had to change her form multiple times due to the slowly growing mass in her gut. Oberon had been pretty big- Venus wasn't exactly why she didnt realize the eggs would grow big too. At this point in time the castle's princess had been laying in bed regardless, finding herself just a bit too sore to stand anymore recently. Her feet were absolutely sore and her back was clearly complaining just as much. So she laid under a nice warm light, tail gently curled against the crook of her body.

The princess had lifted her head quietly once she had heard the knock on the door and Hulemy moving to go answer it. That tail of her's had thumped quietly against the mattress once she had realized who had come to finally visit her again. Hulemy was doing such a nice job keeping her company, but it isnt like she couldn't miss one of her darling lovers afterall!

"Ohhh Abbieee~!!" She cooed, seeing him walk in to meet her. "Oh you knoooow.... I uh... still miss the inedibles, but the food's been good as always. Somehow you guys make healthy still appealing..."

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Jen 💜 I was wondering if you had any advice on how to start living for yourself instead of for other people. I’m realizing this is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life, and I’m not sure how to figure out what I like and what makes me happy, because for so long my standard has been “what do other people want from me? What do other people think is impressive?” I spend my high school and college years trying to measure up to my best friend, and now, after a rough breakup, I find myself trying to compete with my ex. Even though we’re not in contact and I don’t follow her online anymore, I still have this persistent feeling of her judgment in my mind whenever I do (or don’t do) anything. I feel the need to compare myself and my progress to her life even though I’m realizing that I don’t actually want to do the things she’s doing. But I feel like just being me isn’t enough, you know? Sorry, I feel like this may be kind of vague and rambling, haha.

I think a lot of us feel this to some extent or another. I needed to, first and foremost, learn to say “no” when I don’t want to do something. It really starts with being honest with myself. Am I saying “yes” because something is appealing to me or even because I know I can offer help and that will make me feel good OR am I saying “yes” to avoid being seen as rude or mean?   

Often I found myself either saying “yes” or passively agreeing to something because I thought it was the response expected of me and to say “no” would allow another person to suffer. Most of the time we all are willing to do something to alleviate the pain or fear of others but  I had to learn to weigh the consequences to my own health and life. (financial, emotional, physical etc.) 

Once I was coming out of a 17 year relationship I realized I had based much of the trajectory of my life on what I thought she needed/wanted and what was expected of me as a parent and a partner to another woman. I had to drastically rethink my life because after about a year apart I was still doing the same things and every move I made seemed dependent on what she would think, how she would react or what societal expectations. I had never wanted to be a mom and I certainly did not want to be a mom in the way I thought others wanted me to be a mom. 

I literally sat down one day and penned out my parenting style as opposed to what I was doing. In one column it was “I would do it this way” and in another was “I do it this way” and after each was a “because” column.  SO  I would “tell my kid they can’t have the candy and explain it is too much money” BECAUSE “I want them to know the truth and money is tight” And then I would reflect on how I had been handling things “I would tell them NO to the candy” and be upset because I was stressed I could not afford it BECAUSE “My wife would tell me it was mean to tell kids we don’t have enough money since it makes them feel like we are poor”. 

It did not take too much of this exercise to realize many of my reactions were,  more often than not, a proactive reaction to how I knew OR thought another person would react to my decision. Predicting a  reaction is one thing that we need to be able to get along with others and live in a social world. Restructuring our entire way of handling every situation to appease others is not healthy if it is a constant restraint we have to be aware of just to live day to day. When we have to expend the mental energy to make sure each action and decision will not cause us conflict with those in our lives we need to rethink the people we are “answering to” Are these the people we need around us if we find ourselves going against every instinct we have to just function?  

I discovered that my constant effort to define my actions by the parameters others were setting on me was exhausting. We all have to make some concessions to be part of groups but when we give up our natural way of handling situations to control the judgment of others we can forget that we are capable of handling things our own way. AND, in the end, we can’t control the actions of others anyway. 

This is all sort of the preamble to the idea that we base our success on what others see as success. Good parents are “seen” a certain way. Good employees “act” a certain way. Success is money, things, vacations, long term relationships and on and on. Our social structure is set up to reward these things that are “the dream life” but whose dream?   You need to figure out what truly gives you happiness. Is it money? Tropical vacations? Or is it a job you have that you love but aren’t “supposed” to do because it isn’t fancy or glorified by the media?  Some people that work at gas stations make a living wage, get benefits and love the daily interactions with regulars they have formed relationships with yet they are constantly told they need to “move up” or that what they do is not important or fulfilling. Is it less work and more time with your friends? Is it evenings at home with your dog? 

You are enough. And what you enjoy is enough. If you can pay your bills, take care of yourself and live within the means you have decided to earn, that is success. Adding fulfillment and happiness to that is icing on the cake. When we are with a partner or friends we often do things we don’t necessarily enjoy but being with them makes it worth it. When we are on our own time we can decide for ourselves and that freedom can feel pretty nice.

[mamamittens]

Not bed time yet but I am having some fun considering this in my head.

More nonsense for Nikia's story!

You know, when I was making her, I did consider other shippy stuff besides Thatch.

Mostly my top fav blorbos, because why not?

It's not a long list (will likely be longer when I actually catch up to OP)

Ace was tempting but out because I mostly just want to hug the poor bean. He needs more of those and some light teasing, it's what he deserves. Nikia and Ace would just devolve into sibling bullshit, I can see it now. She just pesters the shit out of him and while a little bit of that is fine, thats not usually a very healthy couple dynamic.

Marco was another nice idea but that's just my bird + even cooler bird = Really Cool ✨ birds ✨ thought process at work. He also deserves some head kisses though, make no mistake, but less aggressive than Ace's and more "sleep now, u fucking workaholic". They'd vibe together really well though in chill time.

Shanks... I just don't think Nikia could take him seriously and the excessive drinking would not appeal to her at all. Just a no go all around but she would find him fun to hang out with at a party so long as she didn't have to drink too.

And that's about as far as my thoughts went before zeroing in on Thatch for no discernable reason.

Actually, I think it's the smile. I just really like a nice smile.

Funnily enough, I also put some thought to his most popular ship, Izo X Thatch. Not sure how it happened, to be honest. Though I can see why with some thought, it's not as intuitive as Marco X Ace (what with all the fire and contrasting traits). I would be interested to know how this ship got so ubiquitous, it may just be a case of these two not having many other ships in general.

Which raised the question of putting Nikia in there too, but I'm still a tad thrown with the idea of shipping my SI (as somewhat warped from myself as she is) with anyone, let alone two people.

But it has popped up in my mind again. It would give me more plot to thicken up the overall story. Hate writing short stories for OCs, seems like a waste, idk how else to put it. And it would give more reason on Thatch's side to not initiate if him and Izo have a more open relationship. Maybe they can take another lover if the other approves or at least knows (I imagine this is a useful rule as long as you don't get jealous and it helps avoid any awkwardness if it's suddenly revealed).

Some fun drama of Izou chiding him for stringing some poor girl along for a fling and Thatch being offended like "I don't want a fling though! That's the problem!" So they unpack that together as Izou chides him more for giving her his nicest foulard despite not going for it at all. But ultimately understanding why he doesn't because damn, that would be pretty rude to enter a serious commitment only to leave her most of the year while he gets to stay with his other lover. And she hasn't taken a lover of her own yet so she'd literally be left in the cold waiting for him to call! He can't do that! Not to mention it seems a bit much to throw in Izou to the mix when it took so long for Thatch to warm her up to him.

Too complicated and messy despite really wanting it.

And it would give me the perfect opportunity to let Nikia know earlier since Izou would definitely call her once the dust settled. Might keep the dick move of having her still think Thatch is dead but as a deliberate ploy from Izou to partly keep her safe if Teach found out about their... Thing they had going on and so she doesn't accidentally reveal Thatch survives (or maybe at first Izou really did think he'd die). The other part was in the hopes that she'd find someone she could actually commit too without the complicated bullshit of being in a long distance relationship with pirates.

Probably takes a bit to realize that she absolutely really loved Thatch more than a friend and feels horrible for lying.

She doesn't and always asks how he's holding up before even hinting at her own grief, which doesn't help Izou feel any better about lying. Izou would get some shit for that and he feels increasingly worse for his ruse as he calls her regularly to talk. Feels nice to mourn a (sort of) lover with someone who isn't also reeling from the personal betrayal of a shared brother. Maybe he catches feelings too (Thatch will laugh hard at him for this). Admits that he'd have approved wholeheartedly if given the chance but stops before including he would have liked to be involved too, she'd have fit so well with their dynamic on board. Stops because he meant to let her keep her feelings to herself to mourn as she wants without mixing himself with it (how mortifying to be told my a 'dead' man's lover that they know how you felt after the fact the whole time) but the call breaks down into a very emotional one that, once again, does not help his guilt.

Just, the timeline where I bully everyone for a needlessly long time before letting them be happy.

Or maybe I won't do any of that at all but it does make the overall story more interesting, that's for sure!

[my-mt-heart]

Wanted to add on to the JDM discussion, but need to do so anonymously, for a few reasons. First off, much thanks to anon and yourself for being open to healthy debate on this. Maybe I won’t be accused of forcing opinions on people this time, lol.

It took me months to properly unpack the ramifications of his choice. When this all started, I first found those tweets kind of relieving of the emotional turmoil and confusion we were all being bombarded with. And AMC’s statement felt condescending. So in the moment I appreciated that a key voice was just talking to us like people, and was willing to address the elephant in the room. I made a post about it sharing my personal feelings, and was heckled a lot for it. I think there are people in the fandom who still dislike me on that basis, which is funny because after 11 months my opinion has evolved from there.

Evidently, he was not aware of what really happened. I don’t think his intent was to spread falsehoods or cause harm, but unfortunately those tweets did a tremendous amount of irreparable damage. People are too willing to look at a woman in her 50s in this industry and believe that she really fought her way out of a contract and jeopardized all her future work opportunities, because she was tired. (Sidenote: I don’t think the selfish ‘fans’ who want Melissa far away from RTD for their own personal reasons, realize how difficult it will be for her to find other work at her age. Or that potential employers will take into account what kind of SM PR an actor will bring to their project). Anyway there are countless people who believe she really needed a break and there is no changing that in their minds because of where it came from. We’ll never know what Norman would have said on Fallon if the script hadn’t been changed.

Jeffrey sadly created a huge PR mess, which I can undoubtedly say was met with consequences. An old set photo of Melissa and Jeffrey doesn’t depict what their relationship might be like currently. AMC neglected to send him (and by proxy LC) to SDCC (filming was just a convenient excuse)—possibly a punishment for going off script, but more likely, to entice Melissa to be there.

I was at the finale event, and the interactions I personally witnessed when the cameras weren’t rolling were very telling, to say the least. They painted a clearer picture of how Mel really feels about Jeffrey, about Norman, and about Gimple. And I’m really content to leave it at that. It’s really everything that’s already been said multiple times on this account.

Thank you for sharing your perspective and you're right that your opinion should be allowed to evolve. I don't think anyone was sure what to make of the situation a year ago, and I include myself in that as well. Whether through a fans' POV or someone with industry experience, it was all so weird. It's sad that we're still seeing the collateral damage and maybe some of that can never be fixed, though I would hope AMC are well on their way to fixing what's in their power for Melissa's sake and for her fans. I was going to get into the challenges of Melissa finding other work a little later, but since you brought it up, I should probably just do it now. I can already visualize people foaming at the mouth lol

We know Melissa has plenty of talent and a stellar reputation. That's beside the point. In an industry where sexism and ageism are still running rampant, there's going to be less leading roles available for women over 35, let alone 50. Even less for women who don't dye their hair and therefore won't appeal to men 18-49. Other considerations include an actress' social media footprint and where they're based. Melissa isn't active on SM and she's not on either coast. None of these are "faults" of hers. This is all just to say, I can understand if she chose not to go down that path and judging by all the buzz about her joining the Caryl spinoff, it seems like maybe she did not. That doesn't mean she's settling for anything less than she deserves. She'll get to be the leading lady, playing a character we know she loves, and she'll likely have the leverage to create a better work environment for herself, where she'll be respected and valued.

[macchiatosdumptruck]

How would Alpha!Kreese react to getting Omega!Daniel pregnant? Maybe they have a shitty relationship, or are just fucking, but would Kreese step up and claim Daniel as his mate? I find it hard to believe he would just abandon him. He'd still probably be a real shitty Alpha to him, until he realizes that hey! He actually really likes the Omega for some reason. Would Kreese be excited at having a possible future Alpha?

Maybe Daniel threatens to leave him, pup or not and that brings Kreese to his senses.

Ooh. If it was not a healthy relationship then Daniel wouldn't even entertain the idea of being with Kreese long term.

But maybe Daniel has always wanted kids, and hey. He's looking at this as a gift. Regardless of if he has a reliable alpha.

I think Daniel tells Kreese, more or less to be polite.

"hey. You've got a theoretical kid."

Maybe they're in those stages between strange self destructive fuck buddies and regular fuck buddies? They've started to realize that there are things they genuinely enjoy about each other that they never expected.

But Kreese, even if he doesn't think he cares about Daniel, won't be having a bastard child. He would want any child to be wanted. And Kreese wasn't expecting it. Is shocked. He doesn't know if he can or should do this. But Daniel wants it. And Kreese would be lying if he said it didn't appeal to him.

Maybe, he thinks, they could work out some co-parenting situation?

He would still have a crisis over Daniel being unclaimed though.

I tend to view Kreese as wanting to put a ring on it, but if we come at this from an even less stable position, maybe he would be happy to just have a part in the child's life.

I wonder if Daniel would want his child to know about their other father? I feel like he would feel it was only fair. But also that he would want to protect them from his own complicated past.

I think that Kreese would definitely prefer an alpha child but he would also be okay with having a beta child. It's not that he wouldn't love an omega child, but it would be a large shift to his world view.

Kreese can see that Daniel has the potential to be a good omega mate. Daniel is just stubborn and hard headed. Kreese never expected this, but he's sure he can morph Daniel into a better omega.

Imagine Kreese determined to train Daniel into a proper omega.

There's also the possibility that we could go full angst and Kreese would force a bonding upon Daniel before Daniel was ready. 👀👀

Daniel would be heart broken. But maybe Kreese would make it his mission to woo Daniel's inner omega?

After he claimed him of course.

Daniel would be so upset. He would be furious. Because now he's linked to Kreese in a way he never meant to be and Kreese didn't even ask! The thought of being a stay at home omega popping out kids for John makes him panic.

Daniel isnt even actually fighting him, he's just crying and slapping at him hysterically. John has to hold him to the bed to get him to calm down.

Maybe John really does try in his own way? It's just that his way and Daniel's way don't mesh as well as he had hoped.

Eventually they figure some sort of mostly happy and healthy relationship out, but the first few years are tough.

(I'm thinking possible manipulation tactics like love bombing and limiting Daniel's social circle, etc.)

Tldr: uno reverse card. Omega Daniel who wants to single dad it and Kreese who won't let Daniel go. 👀

[forevertrueblue]

Tony Stark fans, I feel like I've abandoned you. And I want to talk about it.

I've been a Marvel (mostly MCU) fan for roughly a decade now. First casual, then somewhere between casual and hardcore, and now it's been one of my top fandoms since around the time Black Panther and Infinity War came out. Tony/Iron Man has been the one I've called my fave for so long (since I saw Iron Man 3 in 2013; before that it was Cap) and have always stuck by that but lately I've been realizing how distant I feel from that side of the fandom and the content in general. Some of that was deliberate, because after awhile I realized I wanted to find PEACE with his MCU story rather than just complain about it, and a lot of others were still so stuck on their disappointment.

I would still read fics and stuff (still do at times!) but maybe because of the mixed feelings (projects like Endgame and some others have changed how I view certain earlier ones and find them more difficult to revisit now, both with Tony and other characters) I find myself not rewatching the content from that era a lot anymore. I did watch all 4 Avengers movies earlier this year but a few weeks ago my dad was watching Iron Man 3 on TV and I was so weirded out at how distant and almost alien it felt to me, and we're talking about the Iron Man trilogy movie I consider my favorite. I don't NOT like it, but the connection I used to feel was now more like "omg how could I have forgotten about xyz!" which made me feel like a fake fan.

So there's that and how I feel like I'm on a completely different wavelength from the rest of that side of the fandom. And I sort of know why. I've managed to make peace and move on, while a lot of them haven't. I know that's healthy, and normal for fandom, but what is kind of eating at me is that this feels different because I'm still very much in the Marvel community, just in a different way. Now, that was my plan for after Endgame, because I knew I wanted to cover this stuff "professionally" and liked the idea of being a bit more of a neutral party. (And I have been doing that, and it's been great!) But then the Loki show happened.

I won't go on about it but the Loki show did a lot of things which appealed to me specifically. (It even did some things I wanted them to do with Iron Man's story, which has given me some solace.) But man is it weird to feel more of a connection with the Loki side of the fandom right now than the Iron Man one; not like having the same mindset as the fandom because it's very divided and I know the show is a point of contention with a lot of people (believe me, as someone who was very much against a certain element of the show while it was airing and have now come around on it, I sympathize with a lot of different viewpoints), more like being more up-to-date with the goings-on and stuff. I get that it's part of my job since it's a current project, but yeah.

And I know this is the nature of fandom, and things will continue to change. (It's interesting because I can actually track my life in this way.) But this in particular feels weird because I'm still very much in the Marvel fandom, and it's interesting because after 5 years I would normally have a different "main" fandom by now (and I have had a few come, go, and come again) but thinking about it maybe I sort of do? Marvel is vast and does have a lot of subfandoms after all, so I guess I've just changed allegiances, except not really because Tony is dead and I'm just mostly focusing on more current stuff, but you know what I mean.

I guess because it really feels like I'm "betraying" the Iron Man fans, and that I "gave in" to Marvel and am still on the train when many others are not after what happened to him in the end, plus what happened in Spider-Man: No Way Home because the IronDad legacy and Spider-Man were what a lot of us were holding onto after Tony was gone. (That movie actually made me glad Tony died before the forgetting spell happened and I think that ending - even as is, without Tony forgetting - might have turned me off the MCU, at least for awhile, if I hadn't already been more attached to the Loki characters by that point.)

I'm interested (and kind of scared) to see how I'll look back on this in another 5 years. I'll probably be cringing in some way, like I do with every other fandom, or maybe even because of posts like this. Like I said in the intro, I really would love to talk about all this will people so I encourage anyone who has thoughts on any of this to message me about it!

[mangodestroyer]

I moved into a dorm originally to get away from someone. But still thinking, "Maybe I'll have some support system?"

Now? Well, other things started happening. Because they always do. And now I realize that if I didn't decide to do this when I did... I'd probably be on my way to homelessness.

So... I at least have the next year planned out. I might be okay for the next two or three. I'll for sure be much more proactive about looking into ways I can fund everything and network. Hopefully, I can get a nice job out of all this (I've already been accepted for two nice part-time jobs in the meantime).

It sucks. I've been having a hard time processing everything. It feels like everything keeps getting fucked up in the stupidest ways possible (I mean... literally a lot of this is being caused by people acting stupid and dysfunctional).

It makes things a little interesting. Right now, I wouldn't exactly say that I'm "fucked." We still have some options here. And tbh, this does kind of make the idea of graduate school more appealing. If I know it will lead me into a niche that pays well, and if I'm able to find funding for it and get cheap housing (lots of fields require a master's these days for most of the good jobs).

And never in my life have I been more motivated to actually talk to and try to get to know people. I tended to keep to myself a lot when I was younger, and this year, I realized just how harmful that can be. I didn't have a whole lot of people to turn to when things started going very wrong.

And yeah, sometimes, I find myself thinking, "What if I just found a healthy partner or a really good friend? I'd have someone to fall back on if things get worse." And I know that's not healthy. And not a good way to think considering my background. I am at a high risk of ending up in toxic relationships. I DID end up in one! And you should never underestimate how much a toxic person can fuck up your life. And yeah, unfortunately, predators go for people who are uncertain or desperate. And that's just something that makes this thing all the more devastating.

Trying to improve my mental health issues, while dealing with all this, is hard. Having mental health issues can be... not great for developing healthy companionship. Healthy companionship would probably be something that helps with them tbh (just seeing that I could, in fact, bond with someone who doesn't have ulterior motives and that the world isn't a hideous place). But, you know, I'm not sure what vibe I put out these days. It's not exactly uncommon for people from an unhealthy background to have... a vibe. Whether or not they're malicious. This is why I have been educating myself on whatever issues might be coming from this, and doing what I can to take care of it. I use things that help with enhancing mood and everything. I also recently came to realize that I may be anemic and started taking iron... which has done a shocking amount to help out actually. I also look out for red flags in others. I've been studying this for quite some time. I feel like my street smarts have improved quite a bit. But ofc, I'll never be entirely sure. Like... I know I'm still sometimes ending up around people who may not be the healthiest. I have more of a desire to avoid them. More than ever, I do NOT feel right when I'm around it. On the flip side, I've talked to people for months, even years, who never gave me weird vibes. And I always come out of conversations feeling refreshed.

Guess I'll just have to see how things play out in the next three years. Despite everything, I sometimes get a good feeling that I might manage.

[safethaw]

Driveway Reseal Cost: What You Need To Know For Budgeting

So, you're staring at your driveway and thinking it's looking a bit under the weather, right? Time to talk about resealing that bad boy. It's kind of like deciding to repaint your living room – you know it'll freshen things up, but you're also wondering what it'll do to your wallet. Let's dive into the whole driveway reseal cost and make sense of it together, shall we? The Whole "How Much Is This Going To Cost Me?" Question First things first, let's tackle the big question: how much is the driveway reseal cost? It's not just about slapping some sealant down. There are a few bits and bobs to consider, kind of like when you start a simple DIY project and suddenly find yourself knee-deep in a Home Depot shopping spree. - How Big is Your Driveway Anyway?: Size matters here, folks. A bigger driveway is like a larger canvas for an artist – it needs more paint (or sealant, in this case), and that means more moolah. - The Current State of Affairs: If your driveway is more cracked than a dry desert, it's going to need some TLC before you even get to the resealing part. It’s like needing to clean and do some minor repairs in your room before you can start painting. - Choosing Your Potion – I Mean, Sealant: Sealants are a mixed bag. You’ve got your budget-friendly options and the fancy schmancy ones. The high-end stuff might promise to keep your driveway looking like new for longer, but it’ll take a bigger bite out of your budget. - DIY or Call in the Cavalry?: This is where you need to ask yourself – are you feeling brave (and handy) enough to take on the task, or is it time to call in the pros? DIY can save some cash, but if your last home project turned your kitchen into a scene from a sitcom, maybe leave it to the experts. - Extras – Because There’s Always Something: Sometimes your driveway might need a bit extra – like filling in those moon-like craters or dealing with some pesky stains. It's like realizing you need to buy new brushes and rollers when you start that painting job. Setting Your Budget Without Breaking Into A Sweat So, let's get down to brass tacks. The driveway reseal cost typically hovers around $0.14 to $0.25 per square foot. For an average driveway, you're probably looking at about $100 to $200. It’s like budgeting for a weekend getaway – a manageable expense, but still something you need to plan for. Why Resealing Your Driveway Isn't Just Throwing Money Down The Drain Resealing your driveway is kind of like getting regular checkups at the dentist – it’s about preventative care. A well-sealed driveway not only looks snazzier but also holds up better against the elements, saving you from more expensive fixes down the line. It’s an investment in your home's curb appeal and longevity. A Quick Word On Those Pesky Winter Salts If you're living where Jack Frost likes to visit, you know all about the havoc winter salts can wreak on driveways along with the cost for driveway sealing. These salts are like junk food – they solve a problem now (melting ice) but aren't great in the long run (hello, cracks and potholes). That’s where Safe Thaw comes in. It’s like the healthy salad of ice melts – effective and doesn't leave a mess (or damage) behind. It’s gentle on your driveway and doesn’t contribute to the wear and tear which means more frequent resealing. Read the full article

[salt-baby]

#please tell me anything you may know about propranalol bc i've been on it for a year for tachycardia #that they can't find the reason for - and recently it's either getting worse or the dosage isn't strong enough anymore #they want to put me on metoprolol but the side effects listed are ... not appealing #and the fact you can't just stop taking it scares me but also i'd like to lay down to sleep #and not feel like my heart is gonna vibrate out of my chest #it's even more disconcernting when i check my bpm and it's in 70s but i still feel like i just got off a rollercoaster inside #they checked my heart and it looks and is functioning fine and don't seem to know what else to do # my bp is very slightly high so they latched onto that and like ok but they haven't even looked at #like adrenal gland issues even though my thyroid is also acting up #it's currently fine while i'm walking and moving around but trying to lay down i 'feel' my blood pounding in my ears #it's terrible trying to concentrate but i also can't sleep i am so tired also my legs keep cramping #idt it's pots though bc up til now the increased heartrate was if i was standing up and moving #thenit was under control for months #then suddenly the thyroid stuff kicked up and the tachycardia too just in the last month or so #they keep saying the propranolol was also 'off-label' for anxiety which they seem to be trying to say i have #but like yeah having a heartrate that untreated shoots up to over a hundred when sitting down doing nothing #does cause some level of anxiety you know?

I’m glad you asked! your tags prompted a bunch of research (which i had an absolute blast doing)

I feel very strongly about the usage of propranolol in pots because I think its extremely frequent prescription is reflective of a misunderstanding of how POTS works. to walk you through this:

I recently attended a talk given by a neurologist on forms of dysautonomia in children - POTS was a central focus. The presenter showed head-up table tilt data like this (which is from Cheshire et al.):

[image ID: a line graph from a scientific paper. the graph is of head up tilt testing data, specifically SBP, DBP, and HR. the graph is labeled “Postural Tachycardia Syndrome”, and the axis of the graph each have a short line labelled “50 mm Hg or beats/min) for the vertical axis, and “1 min” for the horizontal axis, to indicate scale. Below the lines of the line graph, testing periods are labelled “Supine”, “Head-up tilt to 70 degrees” and “Supine”, from left to right. All lines are variable, fluctuating up and down a few mmHg or BPM. the SBP line remains mostly level, the DBP line increases around 10 mmHg during the “Head-up tilt to 70 degrees” portion of the graph, and the HR line increases over 50 BPM during the “Head-up tilt to 70 degrees” portion of the graph. DBP quickly returns to normal in the second “Supine” section of the graph, with HR slowly returning to normal over the course of around 2 minutes. End ID ./. ]

The presenter went on to say that this proved that people with POTS don’t have any drop in blood pressure when they stand up, just a sudden increase in heart rate. which, isn’t how pots is understood to work.

in general, when you stand up, gravity is suddenly acting on your body (and the blood inside it) in a different way - suddenly, its a lot harder to get your blood up to your head (and to your arm or fingers, where blood pressure is measured). in healthy people, the blood vessels in the lower half of your body constrict automatically, and push blood back up to the heart. In people with pots, this is impaired, and blood starts to pool in the legs. 

As a result, sensors near the heart called baroreceptors (among others) realize that the blood pressure coming from the heart is low, and speed up the heart rate to compensate. This compensation happens almost instantaneously, hence why there’s no sign of it on the tilt table data, but regardless the blood pressure did still drop out. All the tilt table data tells us is that the rest of the body, those baroreceptors and other blood pressure mechanisms, that’s all working fine. In some people with POTS, there’s even a little dip in blood pressure before the HR shoots up. 

Eventually, though, if the drop in blood pressure is severe enough, the heart just can’t keep up, and the lack of blood to the brain makes you faint (syncope). People with POTS don’t have symptoms of just high heart rate, they have symptoms of low blood pressure as well. But some doctors think that because they can’t measure the drop in blood pressure, it doesn’t exist, and heart rate shoots up for no clear reason.

propranolol is a type of medication called a beta-blocker, which means it acts on certain kinds of receptors called beta receptors (and on certain types of those receptors, but I’m not getting into that here). in effect, it lowers heart rate, and can lower blood pressure as a result. It’s a very familiar medication to any cardiologist, and generally regarded as safe and mild.

But in people with POTS, that heart rate rise didn’t pop up out of nowhere - it’s really important to keeping you conscious! so decreasing the heart rate without thinking about the blood pressure isn’t really a great idea.

That said, there’s evidence its effective in people with POTS, from a variety of different studies, and its one of the first meds usually prescribed for POTS. However, in recent years, I’ve started to see some others arguing against it as well. 

for more on your specific symptoms:

What you described rang a bit of a bell for me. supine (laying down) and resting tachycardia aren’t really associated with the kind of POTS I know, although not completely unheard of. that said, you said you weren’t sure if your heart rate really was increased while lying down, but you were pretty sure you felt it (and I trust you - something is going on, even if you can’t catch it with a sensor). and you described yourself as slightly hypertensive - if its under 130/90 ish at most of your appointments, I wouldn’t worry. nurses don’t always have the best technique in taking blood pressure, and can often measure falsely high readings. over 140/100, and they’re probably on to something with the hypertension thing.

Anyway, those symptoms (hypertension and supine tachycardia) remind me of a subtype of POTS (a less common one) called hyperadrenergic pots. It’s proven pretty difficult to find stuff on this subtype, but I was able to find a couple papers. From Conner et al.:

“This form is characterized by a gradual onset with slowly progressive symptoms. Patients report experiencing tremor, anxiety, and cold clammy extremities with upright posture. Many patients note increased urine output when upright. True migraine headaches may be seen in over half of patients. Gastrointestinal symptoms in the form of recurrent diarrhea were seen in 30% of the patients.”

One paper mentioned those with a hyperadrenergic form of POTS had supine tachycardia that gets worse when upright (Ross et al., second paragraph of the introduction).

You’re on the right track with the adrenal gland stuff - to confirm this, there should be about a 10 mmHg increase in systolic blood pressure upon standing, and there should be elevated catecholamine levels (which has to do with adrenal hormones). Your doctors will have to rule out something called a pheochromocytoma, which is a benign (NOT CANCER) tumor on the kidney that can cause similar symptoms. (and if it is a pheochromocytoma, which they’d figure out using a scan like an MRI or CT, then they’d want to remove it surgically).

Your doctors likely didn’t test your catecholamine levels because its a pretty finicky test, and can be time intensive for both patient and administer. additionally, as a wild guess, this doesn’t seem like the kind of test insurance likes to cover.

So lets suppose you do have the hyperadrenergic form of POTS - what medication options are available to you? According to Conner et al., a couple! They list bupropion (wellbutrin), escitalopram (lexapro), clonidine, and labetalol (a different kind of beta blocker). Clonidine was recommended by other papers as well. Worth mentioning is that I did come across a study that suggested midodrine WON’T work for the hyperadrenergic subtype (Ross et al.), which Conner et al. agrees with.

And if you have the more common form of POTS (neuropathic), then it may be helpful to try fludrocortisone (or florinef). Some studies also suggest increasing blood volume (ie, drinking a lot of water and eating a lot of salt), which is what florinef does, can be helpful in the hyperadrenergic form, so florinef might be worth trying either way.

anyway, i hope all of this was helpful. you’re welcome to reply back with questions or comments, or send them to my ask box. i’m glad you liked my post, and hopefully my response wasn’t too overwhelming! I wish you the best of luck with your symptoms.

POTS Medication Vocabulary

after about the third time a doctor prescribed a medication that made my POTS drastically worse, and about three doctors visits past giving up on being an easy patient, i started asking my doctors the following questions whenever they prescribed a new long term medication:

is this medication a hypotensive? (will this medication lower my blood pressure?)

does this medication have a risk of tachycardia? (can this medication raise my heart rate?)

is this medication a diuretic? (will this medication dehydrate me?)

can this medication cause hyponatremia? (will this medication cause my body to lose salt?)

your doctor likely doesn’t know all of this off the top of their head for every medication, but they should know the most common adverse reactions. some may simply tell you they have no clue. i still think it’s worth asking to force them to consider these mechanisms.

for additional consideration:

Keep reading