#and not all symptoms feel bad! sometimes they are enjoyable

[deathbxnny]

May I request some headcanons about Victor, selika, Vander and Vi about caring and being with a S/O with ADHD.

Please and thank you

Arcane characters with an s/o that has ADHD. | Viktor, Sevika, Vander and Vi

Thank you for your request, and I hope you'll enjoy this!<3

Content: No spoilers for season 2, season 1 Viktor, established romantic relationships, fluff, sfw

Reader has no set pronouns.

((Not proofread))

》VIKTOR

He was the first to notice and accommodate to your ADHD, mainly as he knew what it's like to live with something that makes life a little harder in general.

Viktor is very patient and gentle with you when you're having a hard time focusing on tasks or are procrastinating on projects. He understands it just fine and works with you to find strategies that make everything a bit easier. Whether it's studying with you or helping you out on research papers, you both spend a lot of time together, to say the least.

You two enjoy working on your own things in eachothers presence, as it helps you get over your lack of motivation and gives you a chance to talk his ear off freely. Thankfully, he's good at multitasking when it comes to you. Some may think your talking is excessive, but he finds it cute.

Whenever you're a bit more fidgety than usual, he'll hold your hand or give you a reassuring smile, yet doesn't stop your body from regulating itself naturally.

Viktor takes your diagnosis as a simple fact, nothing that defines or undermines your ability to be his s/o. If you need a little help, then he's very clearly okay with that.

》SEVIKA

She doesn't initially understand the concept of ADHD and doesn't care much about it either. Sure, she gets that it affects your day to day life, but she was going to help you out with anything either way even without the diagnosis. So, in other words, she's ready to learn and do as you please.

Your fidgety nature was something she definitely had to get used to, as she mistook it as fear or nervousness rather often. This typically meant that she'll ask you if you're alright a lot or if there was someone bothering you. Over time, she learns to look past it and see it as a natural part of you. If you can't sit still, then she'll let you roam around whilst her eyes watch you closely.

Your endless ramblings and deep interests about the most nichest topics also needed some time for her, but what got her the most was your procrastination issues. She did get not want to do things at all, but she would still attempt to make work as fun as possible in her own way. She'll accompany you everywhere and take care of the heavy lifting.

When she said that she was loyal, she was definitely not kidding around. Your ADHD changes nothing about the way she views you, and so she doesn't make a big deal out of it either.

》VANDER

Probably the most patient and understanding of your ADHD and its symptoms by far. He sees them as a part of you in a good way and simply accepts them as they are.

Whenever you procrastinate on chores or work, he'll try and make it more enjoyable by either helping out or promising you a nice treat after. If it's really bad, though, he'll just do things himself to not stress you out about them too much.

He's the same with your lack of focus, although he sometimes does get concerned about you zoning out when things get serious. Vander will still find his own innovative ideas on making you focus when he needs you to.

He loves listening to you talk to him about the most random things possible, mainly as it shows him that you're comfortable enough with the care he gives you. He also just enjoys weighing in with his own opinions about the many various topics you bring forth at rapid speed.

Either way, he skillfully navigates your diagnosis with ease and doesn't ever let you feel like you're burdening him with it.

》VI

Well, she certainly may have outlandish ideas at times when it comes to working with your ADHD, but she definitely at least has the spirit for it!

Your natural fidgeting and inability to stay still gets interpreted in you just needing to power yourself out. This makes you often find yourself in front of a punching bag with an excited Vi telling you to go ahead and let it alllll out. Whether it works or not is up to you, but you appreciate the effort even after you had explain it wasn't that easy.

Vi will make it her mission to help you out on projects or with work whenever the procrastination gets too bad. She'll also help you out with simpler tasks when she can but will otherwise try to make things fun, at least.

You two enjoy rambling away with each other, and it is her favorite thing. You're both bad at focusing on one topic at a time, so your talks can go on for hours, which she loves very much.

Your diagnosis is just a part of you that she very much loves, even when it gets difficult at times. She never wants you to feel left out or liked less because of it and does her best to never let you think that.

[thedragonflycluster]

Amused that my spotify wrapped showed a Modest Mouse song as one of my most played, because I certainly did play that One Song a lot while in psychosis last. My weird brain could only listen to that on repeat and I did for like 5 hours. tbh that song was probably the most enjoyable part of it. ☘️

[l0vergirls]

munchausen syndrome by proxy.

romantic yan!batfam <3

as requested by anon:

the symptoms start showing slowly in the form of fatigue, common headaches, and dizziness. as time passed, it got worse and worse, which left you bedridden.

it was tough to get used to, but you held onto the hope that it'll be gone in a couple weeks, just as bruce said.

during this time, they coddled you to no end.

dick often visited you with a hot meal in his hands, which he'd insisted on feeding to you even though you've proven you could do it yourself.

no use straining yourself with extra work, he said.

you could accept that he was a caretaker at heart, but it felt a bit much when he would run his fingers through your hair, whispering words of consolation.

tim was usually the one giving you your doses, as well as bruce. there was no reason to suspect him, after all, with his skittish grin and slightly awkward demeanor. sometimes, he would bring a handheld console with him to ease your boredom. you favored him slightly more than the others because of that.

jason visited you the least and when he would, he had an unreadable expression written all over his face. he wasn't bad company; conversations with him were always fluid and enjoyable, which was why you wondered why he seldom visited you when you were stuck in that room. you didn't hold it against him— you couldn't, for some reason.

damian liked visiting you, though if you didn't know him as well as you did, you couldn't exactly tell. you've learned to look at the most miniscule of his habits to read him. the most obvious one would be how his shoulders would slightly relax around you.

bruce was by your side most often, believe it or not. whether it be giving you your medicine, or just to spend the night sleeping on the chair whilst he holds you hand. he constantly reassured you that you'd be better in no time; not that you had any other choice but to believe him.

when the couple weeks are up, you've felt an improvement. that is until you suddenly feel like fainting after a shower.

you didn't— but the boys would rather not take a risk, so why not just stay here a bit longer? that way, they can monitor your vitals, and give you just what you need!

you're free to roam around the mansion, just don't push yourself too hard lest you want to find yourself back in that room.

and if you suddenly feel suffocated, so hopeless in that place, fearing that you may never get better? fret not, someone's always there to wipe your tears, hold you tenderly in his arms, and kiss away your sorrows.

do i think that jason would feel very guilty basically having a hand in taking away your autonomy? yes . will i elaborate on this? let me get back to you on that .......

[retroaria]

hey! I'm not really into nsfw stuff- sooo would you like to do something soft with reo? 😭 like, idk, him as a husband or father so with a family? THANK YOU SO MUCH 💗💗

✮⋆˙ domestic reo headcanons ✮⋆˙

a/n: this is so brain rotted i can’t even lie i think reo is just so easy to romanticize. pure fluff.

• | BLUE LOCK M.LIST | enjoy !! - aria 💜 | •

✮ I actually love this because i headcanon that reo would be a great dad :D at the very least he’d be extremely supportive of whatever his children wanted to do in their lives. He wouldn’t force them to follow in his footsteps like his father and he’d use whatever devices he could to ensure they can comfortably follow the path they choose.

✮ Would post about all his children’s accomplishments, or if you guys didn’t feel comfortable posting the kids he’d still take any chance to tell everyone about it - even his teammates who literally don’t care that his son got the highest score on the spelling test (they’re happy for him though). He secretly enjoys scrapbooking for his kids but they’re “your books” and he “just helps you with it sometimes”. (he’s the one who took almost all the pictures and saved every piece of paper his kid has ever drawn on)

✮ Reo is a charming husband, so charming and sweet it’s hard to be mad at him. He’s a bit lacking in cleaning/caretaking capabilities when it comes to the home but he puts in the effort??? He tries his best and if he does a bad job he always makes it up to you one way or another. In all honesty, he’s probably already hired people to do that (forgot this man is inheriting a multi millionaire dollar corporation).

✮ Reo is however very good at taking care of children. Once he has a clear grasp of their needs, he finds it to be really enjoyable and fulfilling. He takes a lot of pride in whatever happiness and comfort he can bring to his kids. He hates the sound of his babies crying, not because it’s annoying (though he complains about that too) but because it genuinely hurts his soul. He can be a bit too worrisome about it sometimes - he’s totally the type of person to look up his child’s symptoms and freak out over seeing all the worst case scenarios.

✮ The one thing that reo particularly excels at is taking care of you when you’re sick. He can always tell when you’re not feeling your best and he immediately harps on you. He doesn’t know how to cook very well but he knows how to make a few different kinds of warm foods to fill your stomach and give you a little energy. He’d absolutely refuse to stay away from you (unless it was a seriously contagious illness or if you guys had a baby that could’ve gotten sick). Doesn’t care if you’re sneezing and coughing and wheezing, he wants to feed you and hold you and kiss your hot head until it cools down and everything is better again. His goal is always to make sure you get better as soon as possible and won’t let you do anything but rest and relax until then.

✮ Reo is an incredible gift giver! I’ve certainly mentioned this in another hc post, but he is always out and about buying you little things that remind him of you. If you guys have a kid that’s just more gifts he’ll have to get and the thought of that honestly excites him.

✮ Anything can happen but…reo with a daughter…guys….

✮ he would be the sweetest girl dad! would do everything in his power to make her believe she’s an actual princess and he’s just one of her loyal servants. Spoils her rotten and doesn’t feel bad about it.

✮ You’d have to explain to him how this could negatively affect your daughter and it would break his heart. He’d go into theatrics trying to refute it because “What do you mean I can’t let her have everything she wants?” and “What if she cries? You want me to make my daughter cry?” he gets it eventually, but remains reluctant lol.

✮ He’d love playing sports with his kids. Would try to get them into soccer but if they end up liking another sport he’s still just as hype. Isn’t initially familiar with the concept of letting the kids win but soon realized he has to level with the speed of their little legs.

✮ I don’t have any specific hc’s for him as a boy dad but he’d be just as great of course - he’d make sure his son sees how women should be treated based on how he treats you!

✮ If he could find a way to make you the total world ruler he would because he truly believes you’re the most capable person. He’s the kind of husband who lets you run things for the most part but is always there to step in when you need a break or if you just want him by your side. Would call for an emergency flight back home from whatever country he’s training in just because you said you didn’t wanna go to parent teacher night alone.

✮ He loves doing mundane tasks with you, but always tries to “make it a bit more fun” as he says - which basically means he puts away the clothes you fold while you listen to him crack really bad jokes at you, gossip about his teammates, or try to sing and serenade you with his MANY playlists he’s made dedicated to you. On days you both have nothing going on he follows you around the house like a lost puppy, which is slightly annoying but it also means you have four hands to do stuff because he’s a participator above all else.

✮ Reo always makes sure to show his appreciation for how hard you work whether it’s at your job, taking care of the kids/house, or both. He takes time alone with you very seriously, even as your lives get busier and your family grows he always makes sure there’s time for the two of you to just be together and be in love. Always jokes about how you guys need to keep the romance going. He has small romantic gestures that he indulges you in throughout the day: kissing you on the cheek, brushing your hair out of your face/tying it back for you if you if you need (taking his hair tie out for you to use), hugging you a little tighter just before you get up, running a bath for the both of you, massaging your shoulders while you talk.

to be fully honest with you guys, i have never in my life wanted to have kids so it was a bit hard for me to imagine what being happy with children would be like LMAO but alas i did my best. stay safe and stay cool. - aria :3

[girlcowboy1]

I think gen z ultimately lost the war against mental illness when they decided to adapt the older generations rhetoric of "mentally ill ppl who have noticeable symptoms are bad and evil and must be avoided at all costs, they deserve to be alone and die alone" which... most people are not saying that outright, but that IS what they're saying, whether they realize it or not, when they choose to discuss these issues based on personal concepts of morality and punishment instead of approaching it with a mix of empathy and an understanding of science, and how the brain operates.

"Having a mental illness isn't an excuse" is true to a certain extent, but I think a lot of people don't understand that to an extent, it also IS an excuse. The only reason people like to believe that it isn't in any capacity is because mental illness is an invisible disability, and if there's one thing that people love to dismiss the impact of, it's invisible disabilities. Because we can't see what's going on beneath the surface, we struggle to understand the issue, we struggle to empathize with the affected person, whom we may prefer to instead write off as being lazy or malicious, when in reality they are in pain and/or are missing an important tool that helps them function the way they'd like to.

Before getting on medication, I felt and (still sometimes feel) as though I existed behind an invisible glass that separated me from everyone else. I could not understand the point of a lot of mundane things, I couldn't relate to those around me, I felt like my existence was a mistake that should have never happened and the universe was attempting to expunge me by making my life so hard I would kill myself.

And then I got on medication, and suddenly I was able to see things that I had never seen before but had existed in front of me the whole time. I was able to be kinder to people, to be more patient, to talk myself out of bad thoughts I would previously ruminate about for days and weeks. I was able to communicate more coherently, to express my feelings in a way I couldn't before. I wanted to do things again. I wanted to dress up, look nice. I wanted to BE nice.

Of course, these are all still things I struggle with. Like with most tools for disability, medication is helpful in giving me the ability to function in a way that makes life more enjoyable— but it doesn't completely cure the issue. The point is. I tried so hard, time and time again, to change on my own. I tried taking supplements, I tried mindfulness, I tried changing the way I eat, I tried self-help videos/books. But I was a deeply depressed, deeply agitated person whose brain was not wired the way it should have been. So none of what I tried would stick. I would act out in ways I KNEW was wrong, but when you get into a certain state of mind, it's difficult to speak to yourself, to talk yourself down from doing or saying things you know you probably shouldn't. Especially when you feel so isolated from others, and struggle to see the point in anything.

It was only after medication that I made long-term improvements. It was only after my brain chemistry was physically altered in a positive way that my brain could begin to function better, and that my outward behavior improved.

How the anatomy of the brain effects a person is a crucial part of mental health that gets left out of relating discussions too often, I think, and its where I believe gen z unfortunately tends to overlap with gen x and boomers. The brain is an organ like any other, and if it is damaged, or sick, or lacking somewhere in its anatomy.... it will not function properly. The person whose body it inhabits will not function properly.

[c-ptsdrecovery]

I've been meaning to make this post for months, but I'm lazy :P

This year, I got diagnosed with bipolar 2, and going on mood stabilizers has been LIFE-CHANGING. (In the way they always told me going on antidepressants would be, only it wasn't.) I have discovered that I had a lot of (common) misconceptions about what bipolar disorder was like, which was why I struggled for at least 15 years with it and didn't get diagnosed until now. So I wanted to share a little bit about what I've learned about what bipolar disorder is REALLY like, in the hopes that other people in the same boat as me might recognize their own symptoms.

Disclaimers: I am not a mental health professional or an expert in bipolar disorder, and this is drawn from my personal experiences, which may be different from what another person with bipolar experiences.

--There are different levels of depression and of mania. Low mania, for instance, is called hypomania. While people with Bipolar 1 experience a range of emotions from mania to depression, people with Bipolar 2 experience mostly depression with occasional hypomania.

--People have a very extreme and stereotyped idea of what mania looks like, so it can be harder to recognize hypomania in particular. Things that mania/hypomania can look like:

anxiety

restlessness

insomnia

constant fidgeting

huge excitement or joy

intense creativity

intense sensory experience (colors are brighter, handsoap smells AMAZING, etc)

rage

less inhibited behavior

more spending

more risky behavior

feeling like you're finally yourself for the first time in years

--You will notice in that list that manic doesn't just mean happy. Mania is a high-energy state. That can mean high-energy happiness, high-energy anger, high-energy anxiety, etc. Depression is the low-energy side of the equation.

--You don't have to be JUST manic or JUST depressed. It's very common to have "mixed episodes" where you are both at one time. I was diagnosed years ago with "anxiety and depression"--and it turns out that that was probably actually a bipolar mixed state. A lot of people with classic depression talk about having no energy, having trouble getting out of bed, etc, but I always had the kind of depression where I felt despairing but also high-energy. I was restless and anxious--and sometimes had bursts of happiness and enjoyment in the middle and then went back to being depressed again.

--Bipolar can feel like mood swings. Your moods are intense and they can change quickly. I have had a psychiatrist tell me that you know it's bipolar when your mood changes for no reason. This may be true for some people, but for me, I could almost always attribute my mood change to SOMETHING. "I feel bad because of that thing somebody said to me" or "I feel bad because I'm lonely" or "I feel anxious because my stomach is upset". So that wasn't a helpful indicator for me, but the presence of the mood swings was. Some people also try to say that you have to be in a manic or depressive state for a certain number of days in order to qualify as bipolar--but if you're having mixed episodes like I was, all bets are off as to how long a mood is going to last.

--It's very common for people with bipolar disorder to have sleep problems: sleeping too much, sleeping too little, or both. I go right to sleep at bedtime, but then I wake up in the middle of the night, lie awake for an hour, and then go back to sleep. I have done this regularly for literally 15 years.

--A really good sign of having bipolar disorder is if trying a new antidepressant makes you manic/hypomanic. This doesn't always happen to people with bipolar disorder trying an antidepressant, but it certainly can.

My experience with antidepressants is that sometimes they seemed to work a bit for awhile, but in the long run, they really didn't work. One antidepressant that I tried made me FURIOUSLY ANGRY, so much so that it scared me and I had to get off the med after a week (the rage was a hypomanic state). One antidepressant that I tried made me so unbearably anxious that I took it ONCE and never again (that anxiety was also a hypomanic state). I took an antidepressant once that worked PERFECTLY for two months, and then suddenly stopped, and never worked again (happy hypomania, mood-swinging back to depressed again). What finally tipped us off that my problem was bipolar disorder was when I tried a new antidepressant and it made me feel AMAZING and then it wore off and I got super-depressed again... and then we raised the dose and I felt AMAZING and then it wore off, and... Meanwhile, I was happier than I had ever been before, I started a new hobby of collecting bonkers earrings, I started dressing in eye-burning rainbow colors, I was far more confident than I had ever been, I spent more (not way too much, but more) than usual... That is the kind of hypomanic/manic state that most people recognize as such, which is how I finally got diagnosed.

I will add on tomorrow or so with some stories about episodes that I recognize in retrospect were from my bipolar disorder, but I don't want to make this post longer than it already is! I will just add: If any of this sounds like you, I strongly encourage you to talk to a doctor about trying mood stabilizers. Maybe they won't do anything for you--but then at least you'll KNOW. I have a sneaking suspicion that just like C-PTSD is wildly underdiagnosed, bipolar disorder probably is, too.

[alstroemerian-dragon]

man. thinking about how the survivors all desperately need new hobbies

like. okay. sonia’s a great example. off the top of your head what are her hobbies? probably learning about and researching true crime and the occult, and watching j-dramas/anime, right? but if you really think about it, her fascination with japanese culture very much feels like her just desperately wanting to fit in and massively overcompensating. so while i do think she probably enjoys those shows, theyre definitely not as popular in her kingdom as she claims (not that im saying she’s lying on purpose, just that. well, when you feel embarrassed about someones reaction to you liking something, sometimes you’ll try to make an excuse for why you do yknow), and plus, its not like they have access to a lot of entertainment media for a while post program. as for the occult/true crime stuff…

look me in the eye and tell me junko did not use that against her. do you really think junko enoshima would not see a girl obsessed with the study of serial killers and not try and warp that into a fascination with her?

i think that stuff leaves a bad taste in her mouth now. and after committing and being complicit in the committing of the kind of crimes she used to be fascinated by, its kind of hard to find the joy in that anymore, yknow? the occult stuff could maybe still be enjoyable, but with how often it feels like there are ghosts lurking around every fucking corner and her dreams are filled with screaming corpses its kinda hard to be fanciful about that stuff.

so. girl needs some new hobbies.

its not much better for the others, either. akanes hobbies were basically working out, doing parkour, eating, and sleeping. the first two are downright impossible for the first several months after waking up, and for the foreseeable future any kind of physical activity is going to be, to an extent, difficult just due to how much chronic pain and weakness she’ll probably suffer the rest of her life. she can get to a healthier weight and a stronger muscular build, but its not going to change the fact that she gets out of breath and sore much faster than before. as for eating… well. thats gonna be a sore subject for a while. so all she has left is sleeping, and sleeping all day is, as ive been told by many people, kind of a depression symptom? and theres no way the others would sit back and let her do that.

girl needs some new hobbies!

kazuichi, from what we can tell, had a few more normal hobbies. in game you can find him gaming with chiaki, and he seems to enjoy coming up with schemes and plans for silly stuff, but overall he just loves his tinkering. he may be the ultimate mechanic but first and foremost he just loves fucking with machines and engines and finding out what makes them tick. but even that isnt gonna work anymore. sure, he could game. if they had any fucking consoles. or a working computer network. or any games. but none of that is happening for a while, if ever. as for his tinkering, it’s gotta be a similarly sore subject to sonia’s training and tutoring as a princess. its too closely linked to what he did as a despair, too closely linked to his talent, to not make him feel like screaming when he smells machine polish. i think he definitely could get back to a point where it genuinely brings him joy again, and before that he definitely forces himself to use his talent and knowledge because they need it, but. its a complicated problem.

the guy needs some new fucking hobbies.

and of course… fuyuhiko.

fuyuhiko… doesnt have any hobbies.

like okay can you think of a single thing from the game (or fuck even the anime) that implies that he has anything he actually does For Fun. he has a sweet tooth. hes dedicated to his clan. he went to the zoo with peko one time. he got in fights at school. thats… those arent hobbies. fuyuhiko doesnt have any hobbies!!! someone get this boy some fucking knitting needles or a book to read!!!! please!!!!!!!!!! i think it would genuinely help him a lot to have something to do instead of just sitting and stewing in his own trash fire of a brain speaking from experience. learn to sew, read some fantasy novels, learn to play the guitar, something. im begging you.

and hajime is his own fucking can of worms.

he probably had hobbies before the Horrors. right? he probably played some video games, maybe liked martial arts films, maybe sketched in the margins of his notebooks. rode his bike sometimes. but now? nothing keeps his interest that long. everything becomes monotonous after a while, and sure, sometimes thats the draw. with stuff like fiber crafts the point is sometimes making it muscle memory so you have something to do with your hands. but other times its not. and his ability to basically excel in most things you put in front of him has to be so fucking boring after a while. a lot of the point of having hobbies is that you arent perfect. the draw is learning, is getting better. even reading can become nothing when any nonfiction book has knowledge in it you already know and any fiction book you can intuit the ending from the first few pages. he probably reads Lightning Fast now too, so it cant hold his interest for long.

he probably has to constantly be switching hobbies and outlets. cant stay on one thing too long, or the ennui starts to set in. that sounds miserable.

someone get these kids some hobbies, man

[burinazar]

what motivates you artistically? :3

well right now blelaf mainly. no ok hang on. alright. so.

when i was really young i had this feeling like if we could all just understand one another, if there was a perfect way to beam your thoughts and feelings into someone's head, it would fix almost everything re conflicts and human suffering. (naive obviously but this was what i thought lol.) when i started to be aware of what it was to read good books and look at good art it felt like in some ways the closest we could come to fully articulating an idea, a moment, a feeling, and placing it in its entirety into someone's mind. relatedly, uh, bad stories/art that didn't seem to respect their audience pissed me off at the squandered opportunity (sorry the snobbery came out sorry) and made me think, dammit, the audience and types of people evoked within this deserve better and i'm gonna try. with the combo of these two things it was like ..okay i'm going to start writing and drawing. it was all about stories ideas concepts. oh and also i really liked rodents and wanted to draw them as often as possible lol. i drew so fucking many rodents. gah. these concepts were no joke deeply linked for me because as a child i genuinely felt like the bad rap rodents get from people unthinkingly condemning them via stereotypes was a symptom of a societal lack of empathy and consideration. (possibly terry pratchett's fault)

(could not locate early rat art at this moment but here's relevant scribbling. i was nine i think.)

 tl;dr plunging themes and concepts i find interesting; communicating them to other people. (sometimes the concept is admittedly not highbrow. sometimes it is very silly. sometimes it is 'hey ! it would be hot if this happened to b*laf'.) it can be hard to reconcile the desire to 'communicate' via art/writing with some of my work just not having much of an audience or even feeling like i don't want to share it for various reasons lol, but in those cases i frame it to myself as, the effort of presenting the idea was enjoyable in and of itself, an act of personal communication between me and the subject or content of the work even if the thing itself will never be shown to another soul : v anyway fanwork can be a neat way to do that because it's like shared muses or canvases where what you see in them or love about them is already partially pre-communicated to people and you can hit the ground running on evoking emotions, concepts and narratives using the shared frame of reference, as well as skewing and transforming said frame as needed. btw i found another drawing of me and the sages that i didnt use in the other post so here it is

there have been many periods of my life when i was making more original work, though. (i'm sure i've said this many times now but before the sages i had a very comparable attachment to a couple of my OCs.) i also had a pretty terrible experience with fandom around middle school that sort of drove me away from heavily engaging for a long time; i was still in fandoms but basically never shared my writing outside of like PMs and servers. that's part of why my current abyss bullshit is so precious to me and also why i can get protective over it; it pretty much singlehandedly brought me back to the Blessings and Curses of being directly engaged in sharing a lot of fan content publicly. (man for a person who doesnt like bondrewd i do quote him a lot unfortunately.)

so anyway. yes. uhh sorry that was really long. i sort of just like blogging haha thank you very much for the ask! < 3

[lazulian-devil]

Thoughts on Book 9, halfway point

Okay so im in Book 9, right? End of Phase 1 of Skulduggery Pleasant.

And I remember, back when I read it as it came out, that I hated how it ended, how everything was so fixed on Darquesse, that I was relieved that she was finally gone from the story (lol) and that I went into Phase 2 weirdly exhausted. Book 9 actually made me abandon SP until something like Book 12 was out?

Now, according to my Kindle, Ive read 94% of Phase 1. Im somewhere around Chapter 56 of Book 9, so Im about halfway through.

And I have to say.

Its such a full book? So much happens? And its so all over the place? Okay we are here now, and now we are here. Brides of the Blood Tears, other dimension, back again, Darquesse, Mirror Image revival, future perspective telling us its all gonna be okay, and and and.

I think Im overwhelmed by this book. Last Stand of Dead Men was utterly enjoyable. But it felt like the book had purpose. Book 9 on the other hand feels like its desperately trying to write itself out of the godhood of problems it created. It wants to do justice to everything Darquesse was built up to be and yet still defeat her.

The problem is that the strategies are simply not very clever and knowing in which direction its going also makes so much of it appear cheap because it wasnt really relevant later?

Darquesse is both built up to be non human and yet appeals to humanity. And I suppose theres a point made there but its... shes just not fun? I think she never was as a villain. Her whole speech about how changing energies is not killing someone and then through like five minutes of group time she remembers "oh fuck, yeah nope that was wrong". Its so weird. Its so jarring. The character feels inconsistent in their own darn book.

Its not that its badly written. Tanith returning is great. Billy Ray is such an utterly human figure in this one and I genuinely feel bad for him (as he evidently truly loved Tanith as a Remnant). Skulduggerys treatment of the "other" Nefarian Serpine shows so much character growth. China is more and more actually an involved character. And a few others I cant remember.

I just.

I dont know. Its a weird feeling because many of the books I have read over the last dozen weeks were also in my head as "not actually that good storywise but well written" and some of that has turned out wrong! I always enjoyed reading them but some stories are much better than I remember.

But I think I arrived at this point in which the story is too large for the books. I care about the characters. About the world. But I dont know if I care about the stakes anymore. I dont know if Darquesse matters to me anymore. What does she even say about humanity? What does she reflect? That we can grow? That we are inherently evil? These are all things better illustrated by other characters.

Is it supposed to be a play on the Phase 2 reveal of Valkyrie being actually a Faceless One? Is Darquesse a shard of said ungodly evil? If so, wouldnt we have benefitted from said reveal in the Phase of its relevancy? Why is it so late?

I think SP sometimes suffers from the Star Wars "Skywalker" symptom of everything being connected at all times.

I dont know. This is weird. I still have 6% and around 50 chapters to go but Im unsure now. I stand before the mirror of literary interest and wonder if there is anything substantial to be seen.

And I know I'll enjoy the book. Its well written. I love Landy.

But having read them all in a row in such close succesion makes me realise how somewhat badly planned they are and how many massive plotholes there often exist.

Maybe the story got too big. I dont if i'll be exhausted. But Im a little worried.

[friendofthecrows]

Hi, I hope it's okay to ask - I know very little about aspd and found your posts very educational. What I am still trying to understand is: if someone with aspd has no empathy, sympathy, compassion etc, what makes you want to (in your words) be a "functional" member of society, to not harm others even if it would benefit you? What makes interpersonal connection valuable and enjoyable for you? Sorry if this is a stupid question.

Not a stupid question at all. (And it is always ok to ask, I can always just not answer if I don't like the question <3)

Sorry for answering this late, but on the bright side I've written the Goncharov anchovy scene.

The short answer is:

About half because we're not malicious by default, and about half because it's disadvantageous to be harmful so much of the time.

More explanation:

Most of the time, since we're not really going to care too much one way or another, it's not too "out of the way" so to speak to act good. And that's even without taking into account that all the symptoms of aspd are on a spectrum. It is possible (not even that uncommon, just difficult) for people with aspd to have some people they care about, and they may want to help those people even if it isn't beneficial, or at least so they don't leave them.

Another factor is that while it's a stereotype for antisocials to always be cold and unfeeling, that's not always true. Being detached from one's emotions or having a limited emotional range is common, but so is having very volatile emotions which are unpredictable or difficult to control. We tend towards one end or another of the extremes. And also boredom is a big problem for people with aspd. There are some interesting studies on this actually, but because of a few physiological factors, our sensations (both physically and emotionally) are often dampened, and sensation-seeking and other means of staving off the Nothing TM are pretty much staple coping mechanisms. Combine that + emotions are actually possible/common and you have someone who might want to feel your praise or attention, or might find your problems interesting, or might just be desperate for something that takes them out of their routine.

Alternatively, we might want to avoid the consequences of being unhelpful, rude, or hurtful. Keep in mind that aspd is a disorder that develops in response to early but prolonged childhood trauma, often abuse. That plus how society reacts to us makes it obvious why "masking" is pretty much a constant thing for any of us who can maintain it. It has been shown to us, time and time again, that acting "like a psychopath" is going to get us punished in some way. Showing people that side is ✨Bad Decision Zone✨.

Speaking of which...

We also tend to have 1. poor impulse control and 2. really skewed risk versus return. For most of us, we mentally minimize risk. So a lot of our actual destructive and harmful behavior is legit just "I thought about this and then did it before I realized this might be the ✨Bad Decision Zone✨." Yeah, sometimes we are more traditionally scheming, but like, you actually have to be able to stick to a plan for that, and our poor impulse control makes that really hard. It happens, for sure. But if you think "gosh if they catch onto this I'm going to be hurt again" paired with "this person is pretty interesting I don't want them to leave" and "oh wait a sec: I'm going to spend the next 3-7 business weeks on a DIFFERENT bad decision" plus "holy shit...positive emotions? Those are great." You often get what appears to be ultimately harmless and often outright beneficial behavior even if it isn't helping the aspd person in question, at least not in an obvious way.

Lastly, a lot of times, these things like for example "I don't want them to leave" can turn manipulative. But not all manipulation is created equal. Sometimes it might turn into a toxic relationship, or it might just end up with them being an extra-good friend. It can go either way.

"What makes interpersonal connection valuable and enjoyable for you?" It is an entirely different question and is likely to get completely different responses from different antisocials. Even within my own system, you'll get answers ranging from "it isn't," to "well, people can be fun," to "I'm just so desperate to be liked you have no idea," to "it isn't but this ONE person..." You get the idea.

I was wrong about lastly, one final thing: Whilst people with aspd have either really low or no empathy, compassion, as in the intellectual understanding of others' pain, is possible. I've never really understood the precise meaning of sympathy so I can't comment on that one. It always just seems like compassion crossed with pity so idk? I'd actually be curious as to what people think of that one.

[atley01]

fic writing updates!

Updates for: "Belonephobia," and "Salts and Spoons."

to anyone following me because of my fics on ao3;

I am in the process of writing a 3rd chapter to Belonephobia. Without spoiling anything, I will say that it's a win for the Denki enjoyers lmao.

As far as "Salts and Spoons" goes, I am both in the process of writing chapter 2, as well as fleshing out specific points of the story that I want to happen, and then fleshing out each overall story for the 5+1 aspect.

Given that "Salts and Spoons" has more chapters than Belonephobia, I want to spend more time on that fanfic. (that being said, I work on whichever one I have the itch to work on at any given moment I have the time to do so.)

"Salts and Spoons" does not happen in a chronological order. Each chapter happens at random points in time between Shinsou's freshman year of high-school to his senior year.

This is because while yes, sometimes you get weeks of bad symptoms, and in my experience, I have had weeks where I get hit with multiple flares and fainting episodes daily, it is important to me that I show the duality and unpredictable side to having POTS. One week you may not have as bad of symptoms, the next you have awful, debilitating symptoms.

While this fic's purpose is to highlight how disabled people may struggle with their health issues, I don't want Shinsou to only become his disability. He is more than that- disabled people are more than our disabilities.

And as always, I will ALWAYS be open to constructive criticism on my writing! My fics are not beta-read. I proof read them myself briefly, but I wont catch everything, so if you notice a spelling error, or grammar error, anything of the sort- don't feel shy to let me know! This is my first time taking a real plunge into writing fan-fictions, (I have written mini stories here and there & planned stories and prompts out before, but nothing quite like this. They were never published works- things "just for me.")

Lastly, I want to thank you all for supporting my writing. I didn't expect literally anyone to read my works or care enough to kudos it/ comment, but genuinely the support has been overwhelming! It makes me wanna cry tears of joy lol, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all so very much!

[chronic-gastro-illness-culture]

not anything too serious,

my symptoms always get worse with stress, and when i’m about to go somewhere and have even the slightest symptom i get stressed about it happening while i’m out which then makes it worse, cycle repeats. recently this has led me to leave/cancel plans suddenly because i feel terrible and i panic about feeling awful while out and i’m worried my friends are starting to to resent me or that they will in the future

i never know if i should add in to these or if ppl just like talking into void but i thought id give u an affirmation n say i do think is p srs n that its the reality of chronic illness

stress is the #1 factor for all digestive disorders n most other chronic illness n stressing abt having a flare up at the wrong time is a part of chronic illness n it rlly sux bc it is like a self fulfilling prophecy n ppl do see it as a moral failing on the chronically ill persons behalf bc “well why do u have to be anxious abt it itll be fine” like its some sort of switch u can just turn off n on in ur mind

also ppl r a communal species n its nice having a support group n when ur going thru chronic stress n that chronic stress makes u sick n u develop a chronic illness if ur ppl start to leave u that can makes things worse bc now ur left to deal w all that stress on ur own which compounds the problem

but just bc ur worried abt ur support system leaving doesnt mean they will some ppl can be supportive n understanding

it can rlly suck to cancel plans bc it feels like the chronic illness is robbing u of ur life n enjoyment but just bc ur having a bad moment or bad episode doesnt mean thinks will be bad forever

one thing u can do is let ur friends know u appreciate them supporting u n being understanding of what ur going thru another thing u can do it make new plans if i have to cancel smth w friends sometimes we just change what we were gonna do if im feeling too bad to go out n am worried abt needing a bathroom randomly i usually invite them over to my place n we just chill in to make it up to them if they have a movie or show theyve been wanting me to watch ill watch it w them then lol but u might find ur friends r rlly supportive n thatll be less stress for u

it also helps making friends who also deal w similar issues i have a coworker friend who has lactose intolerance n ibs one friend also has gerd n one doesnt have a diagnosed stomach disorder but he has an anxiety disorder n his digestive system definitely is effected but we can all vent to each other n understand if someone needs to cancel or change plans or needs accommodations etc etc

thnx for ur ask btw i rambled a lot hahaha but u brought up important stuff abt chronic illness imho

[thediktatortot]

There's a symptom of abuse that I don't know exactly how common it is, but I've seen it first hand and experienced it myself; Eating Disorders.

Specifically, if you are in a controlling environment, a place/people that control your every move and either hurt you or make you feel bad about disobeying those rules put down to control you, how even the act of eating might be a controlled situation.

It looks like an Abuser withholding food from the abused person, locking up pantries, controlling what is and isn't eaten in the house hold and keeping all opportunities for the abused to actually figure out other ways to get food between their allotted times. Sometimes eating in front of the abused person while they get nothing, or playing favoritism with other kids in the house hold to single them out.

It can look like getting scolded if you don't eat a whole plate or more, you are disrespectful, unappreciative, should be grateful for everything given to you. Food becomes a task, a bargaining chip to stay out of ire, something that is a requirement instead of something healthy or enjoyable.

And then you can even be in a household where your body is scrutinized so heavily, that you take whatever route fits best to meet those needs and standards set before you by those who would sooner see you fail.

Lots of those sorts of environments make for lasting issues in a persons life even after getting out of the abusive situation.

[edoro]

Glance, motion, and change for Jackson.

glance: At first glance, what stands out most about your OC's appearance? What's their distinguishing feature? - so there are a couple of answers depending on how close the first glance actually is!

from more of a "passing by in the street" distance, it's definitely the androgyny. Jackson is the frequent subject of double-takes and he loves it. depending on how femme'd up he is at the time he might just register as "tall woman with strong features" but most people are going to look at him and think "oh there's definitely some Gender going on here" and start trying to figure it out. enjoy solving Jackson's gender puzzle!

at a conversational distance, it's his eyes. he has heterochromia, so one of his eyes is a greenish hazel and one is brown. it's very striking and he's spent most of his life feeling bad about it because it makes him look less like Laurence, but he's starting to come around to the idea that people might think it's cool.

motion: How does your OC move? How does their clothing help or hinder their range of motion? Are they flexible, coordinated, clumsy? - Jackson is clumsy and has a lot of restrained energy. for most of his life he's moved very tentatively and tried not to get noticed, but after he gets away from his awful dad and starts coming out of his shell, he gets a little more confident and starts being more exuberant and expressive with his movements.

he does NOT like being constrained by clothing at all, so unless he's going on a sugar baby date and looking very cute and elegant on purpose, he prefers loose, casual, breezy clothes - flowy skirts and sundresses and croptops and stuff like that. at home when he's more casual he likes soft pants or skirts and tshirts.

he's not very aware of his environment and has a tendency to bump into things and knock stuff over, which got him a lot of grief at home but now mostly means that he has weird bruises and sometimes gets teased. Laurence is very used to reaching out to casually redirect him before he hits something or someone, and Max and Emmy get into the habit as well.

change: Has your OC ever drastically changed their appearance? Significant haircuts, big tattoos, complete wardrobe swap, etc? Why? How do they feel about the change? - OH yes lmao.

for most of his life, he was pushed into this very narrow Boy mold. polos, khakis, cargo shorts, horrible generic Boy haircut. he has serious sensory issues with food and also tends to get nauseous and have a stomachache as an anxiety symptom, and living at home he was always anxious, so he also did not eat very much and was unhealthily skinny.

after their dad dies and he and Laurence start living with Max and Emmy, he starts eating more often because they're willing to accommodate his food stuff. (this also involves a nonzero amount of telling Laurence to stop being a weird controlling dick about what he eats, because no one's going to get in trouble if he eats cereal all day.) so he starts putting on weight, and also gradually starts experimenting with wearing clothes that he doesn't hate.

and then of course eventually his egg cracks, and he starts growing his hair out, experimenting with wearing Girl Clothes, and taking hormones. Jackson at age 26 is almost unrecognizable as the same person as Jackson at age 16.

he's much more confident with himself once he gets the gender stuff straightened out. he's never felt attractive or good in his body before, he's always just kind of miserably existed, and felt very insecure because his body wasn't a 'good' one, it wasn't what his dad wanted it to be - but when he starts getting more confident, dressing in ways he enjoys and finds cute, getting curves etc, people start desiring him and reacting positively to him, which is like catnip to him, and he also starts to find things admirable and enjoyable about himself and about existing physically inside his own body. he's much, much happier and more confident.

[one-abuse-survivor]

I'm terrified of moving out.

I go through physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, but the kind that's considered normal and even encouraged in my culture. I genuinely do love my parents and I know they love me back because the abuse bits don't happen regularly and my parents have no problem in letting me go out with friends, buy me gifts, or stuff like that. The just... loose their temper sometimes.

But I'm about to be old enough to move out and they're letting me, but it still makes me scared. Because even though they're not restricting, they conditioned (i think) me into the perfect child and my interests and hobbies became acceptable to them and having anything else outside my parents' approval doesn't appeal to me. I'm pretty sheltered I guess.

So moving out to the world scares me.

Leaving my siblings alone scares me.

Finding someone else who also abuses me (like a roommate or a partner or friend) scares me.

Handling myself scares me. Because I'm still so dependent on my parents. I can barely take care of myself (exercise, brush hair, shower sometimes) daily.

Doing adult things like taxes and rent scares me. I can barely take care of myself.

I heard that trauma gets worse when you're out so going through that while living by myself scares me. I do have some friends, and they're amazing, but they won't always be there.

You totally don't have to answer, but I saw that you were accepting asks and well decided to try it out. I love everything you've been doing and you're pretty amazing for that.

Hey, nonnie. I'm really sorry you've had to go through so much. You deserved so much better than what your parents have put you through.

I really understand your fears. Living alone and becoming independent after a lifetime of child and teen abuse isn't easy, that's true. And, from personal and second-hand experience, I can confirm that in some ways, trauma does get worse for a little while after you leave an abusive situation. Basically, the moment your body realises you're safe, the first thing it tends to do is shut down all the trauma you've gone through so you can pretend it never happened and survive the immediate aftermath of it. This is scary, because it can make you question your decision of leaving, and make you feel like you made up your abuse. Then, throughout the next months, at any given time, the trauma may hit you like a truck via resurfacing memories, emotional flashbacks, nightmares, or anxiety attacks, to name a few possible PTSD symptoms. New symptoms you've never experienced before can sometimes appear during this time.

But this is the kind of situation where you have to get worse before you can get better, and once you do start to get better, life becomes so, so much easier, bearable, and enjoyable. And it's possible to get to a point where your body and mind's default setting is genuine calm, instead of anxiety, hypervigilance, or survival. The bad days can become the exception, and stop being the rule. And getting to that point is so worth it.

I know it all sounds really scary, nonnie. But I think it's also worth noting that the more you postpone the first painful steps of the process, the more you prolong your suffering.

And it's okay to do things scared. You don't have to have it all figured out just yet. You don't have to be perfect at taking care of yourself. It's okay to tackle things one at a time. It's okay to ask your friends for help when you need it. It's okay if some days all you can do is survive and leave everything else for tomorrow.

If it helps to hear, when I moved out, one of the first things I had to learn was just to feel like I was worthy of eating. And I still have trouble feeding myself on my own nowadays, but I learned to ask for help and it's now very rare for me to skip any meal. Also, I've been slowly able to figure out things like paying rent and bills, writing a CV, making a doctor's appointment, renewing legal documents, buy train tickets... One thing at a time and throughout several years! Some things I'm still figuring out or haven't even tackled yet, like taxes or driving without an adultier adult by my side. But, thanks to all my previous experiences with facing scary things and overcoming them, I know now that not feeling ready yet doesn't mean I won't be able to tackle those things when the time comes.

And that's the best part about recovery and independence! Every time you overcome something that felt impossible and terrifying, you'll build your confidence, and it'll be a little bit easier to believe that you'll be able to face the next new situation that life throws your way.

I'm rooting for you, nonnie. There's a better life waiting for you at the other side of the immediate aftermath of trauma.

Sending all my support your way ❤️

[thereisnoblogniche]

A personal post about chronic pain and mental illness

There is a certain depression that falls on you when you're dealing with chronic pain or chronic illness, or even just symptoms of your other mental illnesses. It's not just clinical depression. It's a Special kind that you get from the inability to have the type of autonomy over your own body that you wish you could have.

It's not about want to. It's not about even need to. It's about can't do. I lack the mental or physical energy. I am too tired. I am too exhausted from my pain or physical struggles that day. I have no spoons, as many chronic illness sufferers have become familiar with saying.

I'm also just tired of not having the right answers or the right help. I very easily get discouraged. Even if I could afford going to see a bunch of different doctors, I don't know that it would help.

I'm so desperate I spent a LOT of money recently (a payment plan that even monthly I really can't afford) on a device that's supposed to help my pain--in 4-8 weeks after using it. An in-house patented device btw that isn't nationally used, as far as I know, and I had certainly never heard of it.

Why am I being so coy and cagey about my illness(es)? Simple imposter syndrome and fear of gatekeeping. I'm afraid that my pain will be invalidated as "not bad enough" for fitting into the chronic pain community, whatever that is. I'm afraid that I haven't suffered enough to be able to speak on this topic.

But I don't care what you call it or what category you put me in. I'm tired. I get plenty of sleep and I am tired. I have little energy to do anything. I have the desire but no energy to carry it out. When I make plans or appointments, it takes all my strength and energy to do them. Household chores feel like a Herculean task. And doing things for FUN? HAH! Fairy tale shit.

I'm of course exaggerating a little bit. It's not that I never feel good or ever do anything fun or enjoyable, but the times are few and far between and often come at a great cost.

I don't have any answers. This is just bitching. I even get tired of bitching. There are small things I can do to mitigate the pain but they either a) help very little, or b) don't last for very long. Still, it's something. Some minor relief. Also, another positive, is that I do get a decent amount of sleep. I imagine that's good for my body even if I don't feel well-rested.

I'm just using this as an outlet because i tend to bottle it all up. And that's not like me. I like to bitch. I bitch often. But I hold this in a lot just because I get sick of talking about it. I get sick of being that person and I keep thinking (falsely) that if I stop talking and thinking about it in such a negative way, that it will be cured. That's a holdover from my Fundamentalist Christian upbringing, I'm sure. But you can't blame me for wanting to try anything to fix myself.

What good is it to be alive when your quality of life feels like it's cut in half? Especially when it hasn't always been like this. Sure, I've had mental health struggles all my life that have made things difficult. But I'm on a whole new plane of existence and if this is my future forever? It doesn't feel very bright. I'm only 34 but I sometimes just want to die because I don't feel like I'm doing anything to make my life worth living. I am not leading the type of satisfying, fulfilled life I want to. And I have basically NO CHOICE in that.

Losing autonomy due to an illness of any kind is one of the most depressing things a human can experience.