thereisnoblogniche

[thereisnoblogniche]

I don't know who needs to hear this but:

-"it only hurts a little" is still pain

-"I can ignore it" is still pain

-"I can cope with/manage it" is still pain

-"it's bearable" is still pain

-"I can push through it" is still pain

-"it doesn't hurt that much" is still pain

-"it doesn't stop me from doing x" is still pain

You don't need to be in agonizing pain to be in pain.

[thereisnoblogniche]

I rarely log into tumblr anymore but when I do there's a joke followed by a political post followed by porn. I guess this was Twitter before Twitter was cool.

[thereisnoblogniche]

A personal post about chronic pain and mental illness

There is a certain depression that falls on you when you're dealing with chronic pain or chronic illness, or even just symptoms of your other mental illnesses. It's not just clinical depression. It's a Special kind that you get from the inability to have the type of autonomy over your own body that you wish you could have.

It's not about want to. It's not about even need to. It's about can't do. I lack the mental or physical energy. I am too tired. I am too exhausted from my pain or physical struggles that day. I have no spoons, as many chronic illness sufferers have become familiar with saying.

I'm also just tired of not having the right answers or the right help. I very easily get discouraged. Even if I could afford going to see a bunch of different doctors, I don't know that it would help.

I'm so desperate I spent a LOT of money recently (a payment plan that even monthly I really can't afford) on a device that's supposed to help my pain--in 4-8 weeks after using it. An in-house patented device btw that isn't nationally used, as far as I know, and I had certainly never heard of it.

Why am I being so coy and cagey about my illness(es)? Simple imposter syndrome and fear of gatekeeping. I'm afraid that my pain will be invalidated as "not bad enough" for fitting into the chronic pain community, whatever that is. I'm afraid that I haven't suffered enough to be able to speak on this topic.

But I don't care what you call it or what category you put me in. I'm tired. I get plenty of sleep and I am tired. I have little energy to do anything. I have the desire but no energy to carry it out. When I make plans or appointments, it takes all my strength and energy to do them. Household chores feel like a Herculean task. And doing things for FUN? HAH! Fairy tale shit.

I'm of course exaggerating a little bit. It's not that I never feel good or ever do anything fun or enjoyable, but the times are few and far between and often come at a great cost.

I don't have any answers. This is just bitching. I even get tired of bitching. There are small things I can do to mitigate the pain but they either a) help very little, or b) don't last for very long. Still, it's something. Some minor relief. Also, another positive, is that I do get a decent amount of sleep. I imagine that's good for my body even if I don't feel well-rested.

I'm just using this as an outlet because i tend to bottle it all up. And that's not like me. I like to bitch. I bitch often. But I hold this in a lot just because I get sick of talking about it. I get sick of being that person and I keep thinking (falsely) that if I stop talking and thinking about it in such a negative way, that it will be cured. That's a holdover from my Fundamentalist Christian upbringing, I'm sure. But you can't blame me for wanting to try anything to fix myself.

What good is it to be alive when your quality of life feels like it's cut in half? Especially when it hasn't always been like this. Sure, I've had mental health struggles all my life that have made things difficult. But I'm on a whole new plane of existence and if this is my future forever? It doesn't feel very bright. I'm only 34 but I sometimes just want to die because I don't feel like I'm doing anything to make my life worth living. I am not leading the type of satisfying, fulfilled life I want to. And I have basically NO CHOICE in that.

Losing autonomy due to an illness of any kind is one of the most depressing things a human can experience.

[thereisnoblogniche]

more TLOU rambles

I will never get to see this show again for the first time. I don't think I've ever felt that about a show.

Breaking Bad is probably my favorite show, but it's only enhanced upon rewatches. I mean some of the suspense and twists in that show are amazing the first time and it can't be re-lived either. but it's just better and better each time i've rewatched, even knowing those big moments are coming.

I don't think I'll have that with re-watches TLOU. I hope i'm wrong.

Two important reasons why I feel like that:

-watching the relationship Joel and Ellie develop. even if you know it's coming, is just incomparable the first time. I knew that was the crux of the story, but nothing could have spoiled it or prepared me for actually witnessing it and growing close to the characters and seeing it happen myself. It was just beautiful. You don't know how it's going to happen or how it'll manifest. Especially the "It's okay, baby girl" moment. That was probably the hardest-hitting single moment where their relationship becomes obvious and out in the open for what it actually is. Also, "it wasn't time that did it" and the look he gives her in the last episode. Just fucking end me. Maybe (and hopefully) that bond between them will be even more beautiful upon future rewatches (if I can ever gather the courage to go through all this trauma again)-- but nothing can compare to just experiencing and witnessing that for the first time.

-the ending. I actually went this long without having the ending spoiled for me. Except, if you had told me "oh it ends with Joel killing a bunch of people and saving Ellie", I would have been like "okay doesn't seem like much of a spoiler". What I didn't realize were the conditions and the dilemma it poses. Save humanity or save the one you live? The choice feels pretty obvious to nearly everyone. It's not much of a discussion. Knowing that the surgery would have killed her, it's a no-brainer. What's more interesting to me is that he lies to her about it. There is a fear there that she would have wanted to do it anyway and he's protecting her out of selfishness. This show was great about shifting and evolving my views of Joel throughout the show. I do not see him as a bad guy. I understand him fully and completely. I don't think I'm supposed to dislike him or even disagree with him. Just understand. What an interesting topic of love. The dark side of unconditional love--to paraphrase the podcast. I didn't know what that concept could mean until the last episode.

It just feels like I won't be able to experience the show the same again and I wonder if that initial shock and gut-punch is part of what makes it so powerful. But it has such amazing casting and great writing and I hope that holds up over time and it's not just the raw emotions and processing it for the first time that are carrying it for me right now.

Without seeing additional seasons, it's hard to categorize where this sits among my favorite shows, but just on one season, it's already in the conversation for top 3. If they pull off really good season 2 (and others??), we're going to be having serious top 2 potential. I am nervous about future seasons because I don't know if they're jumping right to the second game or if they're going to have some buffer. I hope at least some buffer. I would think there'd be some transitional scenes, if not a few episodes. I would greatly prefer a whole second season of Pedro and Bella before they jump to the events in the 2nd game. After all, a few years pass between the games. And I need some more time with Joel and Ellie as surrogate father and daughter. Excited to see where they take it-- I will have plenty of time to ponder and contemplate.

[thereisnoblogniche]

more personal diary thoughts on trauma and TLOU

sort of.

I really do have fucking issues. I know this. I'm in therapy. but it's going to take years to start digging through this.

god this is so embarrassing.

it makes me angry to see behind the scenes shit of pedro and bella. not because they aren't hilarious and adorable. but because it reminds me that it's not real. well, that's one of the reasons. I have had to unpack this all morning after seeing cute montages of them together. I'm still figuring it out.

they're obviously not actually related, in the show or in real life. but i feel sad and angry that they're not. they're supposed to be my de facto father/daughter relationship. this is me living vicariously through them and their story. please, why are you being real right now? go back to being joel and ellie. stop laughing together and hugging all normally and naturally, like coworkers who have bonded.

I'm literally about to cry hahaha i'm so fucking stupid. i hate this.

I guess when I said in my other entry that it's bringing up uncomfortable stuff, first of all, it's confusing that I find pedro/joel to be so attractive. because the real crux of this is that I feel abandoned and miss being a little girl and wish I had had a better childhood. I don't want to be attracted to someone who is reminding me of that. i'm not expressing this longing of a father/daughter relationship through dating "daddys" or wanting someone like that romantically. it's just me living vicariously in a fictional world and dreaming of being in that situation, where I am saved and chosen over and over again, and someone is comforting me. and yes, i guess experiencing a sort of dad/daughter journey like joel and ellie.

i mean from a psychology perspective, maybe it makes perfect sense that I want that and feel it's unresolved in my childhood/adolescence. That the ache in my heart when I see those moments on screen is an all-too familiar ache. Not too many fictional moments have caused that. I struggle to think of a single one besides this and it hit the fucking hardest.

I had a similar thing with Tony Stark. Yes, I found him "attractive" but I couldn't think of him sexually. I tried. All I saw him as was a hero to save the world. I wanted him to mentor me. I wanted him to Peter Parker me. I guess I wanted the bond and the relationship there. But it seemed to get confused with romantic/sexual feelings because god forbid a person have intense feelings that aren't either of those things.

i think it's just a way for me to resolve some of my childhood trauma. there's other things i'm not saying because even though i don't intend for anyone to read this, it's online, and there's a chance someone might read it. there's other factors to my history and trauma that might be complicating my feelings and making this harder.

it's all scary and difficult and I hate that a good show with good actors who are just being silly and having fun could turn me into such a self-hating, angry, sad little monster. I just want to be loved. i just want to feel validated. I want that to be me I guess. I get jealous when I see happy families or relationships I wish I had.

I admit I've felt like that seeing some family vlogs/YouTube shorts. I've felt that jealousy toward friends who have stable, loving homes. Who grew up normal and well-adjusted, a concept so foreign I almost got culture shock.

God. I want to be self-compassionate and tell myself it's understandable i'd feel this way. it's understandable that emotions, situations anywhere and everywhere can trigger this feeling of abandonment, of longing, of past pain that hasn't healed. it's not silly.

but my god i can't help but just feel so incredibly silly and dumb. i just want to enjoy this show and simp for pedro like a normal person. instead i have to complicate it with my trauma and make watching BTS content an exercise in self-regulation.

[thereisnoblogniche]

The Last of Us (2023)

I have no outlet to talk about this. I need to express my thoughts somewhere. I just finished episode 7 today. i don't expect or necessarily want anyone to read this but if you are bored please don't expect this to make sense. i'm very tired and i feel myself nodding off as i type longer and longer (i'm writing this part last). I took some cold medicine and I am certain that is not helping. just a disclaimer for if you do read because it's all over the place and it's not pretty. very vulnerable and ugly look at myself.

"it's okay baby girl. I've got you." That line single-handedly destroyed me. Okay, that's not fair. It's what made me break down into the visceral, uncontrollable sobs that I couldn't contain or hide anymore. But it was far from working alone.

what an emotional, intense, wild ride. The show has been fantastic up to this point. I've had so many intimate moments with the characters. I've learned about them. Gotten to know them. Watched many of them die--fairly or not. It's not a fair world after the world ends. it may not be kind or gentle or morally good, but it's justifiable, if not just understandable.

The show is well-made, well-cast, well-acted, well-edited, well-done all over. But I feel gutwrenched. Sad. I don't want it to end. I haven't had enough time. I need more episodes. Why aren't they longer? Why aren't there 13? Why not have a whole second season dedicated to more of Ellie and Joel's relationship? I'm not ready for this to be over. I am just not.

I don't know how to succinctly or even long-windedly explain how I feel about this episode. All I feel is just empty and depressed. Just depleted. I am very affected by fictional media and find myself so wrapped up in the characters and story, you'd think I went through it and experienced it all myself.

I can't put it into words. I keep sitting here and trying. Yes, watching Joel and Ellie go from a transactional relationship to choosing to save one another over and over is beautiful. Yes, watching Joel open up and Ellie learn to survive are two things that I cannot do justice to by simply summing them up in a sentence as great character arcs. Yes, the stories, the dialogue, the action, the twists, the turns, the devastation--it's all a masterclass in video game adaptations. but there's more to it for me. Another level I can't quite articulate but I'll try.

I don't want to live through the apocalypse. I certainly don't want to live to see a fungal pandemic. BUT I think there's a part of me that wants to be saved.

There's a part of me who is Ellie. Who is tough and fierce and a survivor. But who just wants to be wrapped up in the arms of someone who chooses me. Joel grabbing her and hugging her at the end of the episode wasn't because he just saved her from the bad guys. She saved herself. He is no longer obligated to her. But he wants to be there for her. He comforts her all the same. He is still there for her in the aftermath, happy to be reunited with her. Relieved. Thankful. Maybe I'm not like ellie. Because I feel like I do need rescuing. I can't do it by myself. I'm tired. I'm weak. I need help. I do want to be held. I want to be protected. I want to be saved from the bad guys. Dont' give me the gun. Put me on the horse, give me your extra coat, defend me with your life. Actually, Ellie does that for Joel in this episode. She protects him and fights for him. What an amazing person.

It's something that's tugged at me since the show started. The idea of being saved. Being protected. Specifically by someone as ruthless and hardened and not so likeable as Joel. But he's someone who is hardened for a reason. Someone who is guarded for a reason. i respect it, I admire it. I fear it. I wouldn't dare try to crack that nut. No I am nothing like ellie. she is fearless (on the outside). she doesn't care. i could never. I care too much.

And she does too. She cares. She risked her life to save Joel instead of running away. She went through hell and back and survived to meet him on the other side. I could never. I would have been hoping and praying to a god I don't believe in to please save Joel in time so he could wake up and protect me.

Please protect me.

I need someone strong, someone too closed off, someone who is a bit of an asshole--warranted or not--likeable or not. And no I didn't like him for awhile. I didn't hate him. I just saw him the way I saw a lot of people in the post-pandemic world. Just people trying to survive I guess. they have their reasons.

But as time went on, I still found myself thinking, yeah, wow, that's the guy I would want in my corner. Tough and cold and unloving as he might seem. You know he wouldn't hesitate to protect you. And then to see him soften up and grow fond of ellie, in his own way, and then outright hug her and hold her and show her affection. I felt myself in that moment become ellie. that's what I mean when I say i am like her I think. I became her in that moment. Small, vulnerable, scared, horrified, traumatized, relieved, in need of a friend.

what do I need to do to find me a joel? that's not fucking healthy. I don't want an emotionally unavailable 56 year old. that's some therapy material. though it doesn't hurt that he is very attractive somehow (I say that like the whole world wasn't simping after him). but I found it to be more than that. there's something about this character specifically--because I didn't think he was all that attractive before. now I get it. there's definitely some psychological bullshit to explain why I feel so attracted to this, not just sexually, but like on a mental and emotional plane. I feel so validated by this arc and I ache so badly to feel it resolved in my life. i don't know how to explain that or appropriately express it.

i want to live vicariously and feel protected by a grumpy guy who learns to love me. that's toxic af but it's how i feel and i have had some uncomfortable feelings unlocked. all the girls with daddy issues be like,.. hahah hahahah just kidding. or am i?

just please love me. please love me. please love me. take care of me. even if you hate me or can't stand me or don't understand why i am under your protection. please save me.

i wish i were like ellie. she is way more self-assured and confident than i am. yes she is scared and insecure in some ways. she's human. but she isn't scared and insecure in the ways that i am.

boy this show has me fucked up. this fictional piece of media. fuck you HBO and naughty dog. I wish i never saw it

[thereisnoblogniche]

Why the fuck do pdf editing apps charge for their service?? Better yet, why doesn't original adobe acrobat allow edits and signatures? It's a total fucking scam. PDFfiller charging $20/month on the month-to-month plan for the exclusive privilege of being able to edit documents. What a contrived charge. CAPITALISM, eh?

[thereisnoblogniche]

beginner’s guide to the indie web

“i miss the old internet” “we’ll never have websites like the ones from the 90s and early 2000s ever again” “i’m tired of social media but there’s nowhere to go”

HOLD ON!

personal websites and indie web development still very much exist! it may be out of the way to access and may not be the default internet experience anymore, but if you want to look and read through someone’s personally crafted site, or even make your own, you can still do it! here’s how:

use NEOCITIES! neocities has a built in search and browse tools to let you discover websites, and most importantly, lets you build your own website from scratch for free! (there are other ways to host websites for free, but neocities is a really good hub for beginners!)

need help getting started with coding your website? sadgrl online has a section on her website dedicated to providing resources for newbie webmasters!

HTML (HyperText Markup Language) and CSS (Cascading Style Sheets) are the core of what all websites are built on. many websites also use JS (JavaScript) to add interactive elements to their pages. w3schools is a useful directory of quick reference for pretty much every HTML/CSS/JS topic you can think of.

there is also this well written and lengthy guide on dragonfly cave that will put you step by step through the basics of HTML/CSS (what webpages are made from), if that’s your sort of thing!

stack overflow is every programmer’s hub for asking questions and getting help, so if you’re struggling with getting something to look how you want or can’t fix a bug, you may be able to get your answer here! you can even ask if no one’s asked the same question before.

websites like codepen and jsfiddle let you test HTML/CSS/JS in your browser as you tinker with small edits and bugfixing.

want to find indie websites outside the scope of neocities? use the search engine marginalia to find results you actually want that google won’t show you!

you can also use directory sites like yesterweb’s link section to find websites in all sorts of places.

if you are going to browse the indie web or make your own website, i also have some more personal tips as a webmaster myself (i am not an expert and i am just a small hobbyist, so take me with a grain of salt!)

if you are making your own site:

get expressive! truly make whatever you want! customize your corner of the internet to your heart’s content! you have left the constrains of social media where every page looks the same. you have no character limit, image limit, or design limit. want to make an entire page or even a whole website dedicated to your one niche interest that no one seems to be into but you? go for it! want to keep a public journal where you can express your thoughts without worry? do it! want to keep an art gallery that looks exactly how you want? heck yeah! you are free now! you will enjoy the indie web so much more if you actually use it for the things you can’t do on websites like twitter, instead of just using it as a carrd bio alternative or a place to dump nostalgic geocities gifs.

don’t overwhelm yourself! if you’ve never worked with HTML/CSS or JS before, it may look really intimidating. start slow, use some guides, and don’t bite off more than you can chew. even if your site doesn’t look how you want quite yet, be proud of your work! you’re learning a skill that most people don’t have or care to have, and that’s pretty cool.

keep a personal copy of your website downloaded to your computer and don’t just edit it on neocities (or your host of choice) and call it a day. if for some reason your host were to ever go down, you would lose all your hard work! and besides, by editing locally and offline, you can use editors like vscode (very robust) or notepad++ (on the simpler side), which have more features and is more intuitive than editing a site in-browser.

you can use ctrl+shift+i on most browsers to inspect the HTML/CSS and other components of the website you’re currently viewing. it’ll even notify you of errors! this is useful for bugfixing your own site if you have a problem, as well as looking at the code of sites you like and learning from it. don’t use this to steal other people’s code! it would be like art theft to just copy/paste an entire website layout. learn, don’t steal.

don’t hotlink images from other sites, unless the resource you’re taking from says it’s okay! it’s common courtesy to download images and host them on your own site instead of linking to someone else’s site to display them. by hotlinking, every time someone views your site, you’re taking up someone else’s bandwidth.

if you want to make your website easily editable in the future (or even for it to have multiple themes), you will find it useful to not use inline CSS (putting CSS in your HTML document, which holds your website’s content) and instead put it in a separate CSS file. this way, you can also use the same theme for multiple pages on your site by simply linking the CSS file to it. if this sounds overwhelming or foreign to you, don’t sweat it, but if you are interested in the difference between inline CSS and using separate stylesheets, w3schools has a useful, quick guide on the subject.

visit other people’s sites sometimes! you may gain new ideas or find links to more cool websites or resources just by browsing.

if you are browsing sites:

if the page you’re viewing has a guestbook or cbox and you enjoyed looking at the site, leave a comment! there is nothing better as a webmaster than for someone to take the time to even just say “love your site” in their guestbook.

that being said, if there’s something on a website you don’t like, simply move on to something else and don’t leave hate comments. this should be self explanatory, but it is really not the norm to start discourse in indie web spaces, and you will likely not even be responded to. it’s not worth it when you could be spending your time on stuff you love somewhere else.

take your time! indie web doesn’t prioritize fast content consumption the way social media does. you’ll get a lot more out of indie websites if you really read what’s in front of you, or take a little while to notice the details in someone’s art gallery instead of just moving on to the next thing. the person who put labor into presenting this information to you would also love to know that someone is truly looking and listening.

explore! by clicking links on a website, it’s easy to go down rabbitholes of more and more websites that you can get lost in for hours.

seeking out fansites or pages for the stuff you love is great and fulfilling, but reading someone’s site about a topic you’ve never even heard of before can be fun, too. i encourage you to branch out and really look for all the indie web has to offer.

i hope this post helps you get started with using and browsing the indie web! feel free to shoot me an ask if you have any questions or want any advice. <3

[thereisnoblogniche]

I'm really sad

I am jumping ship from Twitter. It has a lot of problems beyond all the shit that's going on now. Enough that I feel compelled to deactivate/delete for now. As many problems as I have with it, I like being able to yell into the void there. The thing I used to do here.

I made some good friends there. And even if they don't consider me a friend, I still enjoyed their content and interacting with them. Connection. It's important.

Similarly, I deleted the reddit app on my phone. I'm free to use it on my laptop but I often just wasted a bunch of time on it. I realized I enjoyed the "connection" aspect on niche and hobby subs. A sort of camaraderie. Everything else about Reddit sucked ass but I still enjoy parts of it. I feel good for making the decision to eliminate Twitter and Reddit as problems in my life, but there's a hole left

I have friends! I guess I need to just text them/interact directly. But not everyone is a text- happy person, for one. But two, I think I need something more immediate and yet accessible to fill the void. or perhaps I need to learn to just live without it. At one point in time, I did just that.

I have hobbies and interests to focus on. I have friends I can text if I'm really that lonely. There's always fucking Instagram. ugh. I tried to re-curate my feed on there. Unfollowed a bunch of accounts. It's just so photo-specific. It's not like I can write out my thoughts. Or if I do, no one will read them.

YEah this is a negative post. Yeah I'm being difficult. I'm just sad.

[thereisnoblogniche]

More atheist ranting

Again--personal journal type shit that maybe reaches into the void of other folks. Maybe not. That's okay. It's good for posterity.

When I was a Christian, and even after I stopped practicing but still was a believer in a God of some sort, I hated a lot of atheists. They were edgelord assholes who made fun of people for believing in the "sky daddy" and said snarky things like "how can anyone believe this bullshit?" Additionally, there were many of them who made entire personalities out of being an atheist (some belonged to both groups). An entire personality based on something they didn't even believe in.

That really bugged me. You don't even believe in any gods, so why make so much of your life devoted to making fun of it and being in forums and groups and conventions that mock religion? It's not a 1-to-1 comparison with Christians or other theists because centering your life around your religious or spiritual beliefs makes sense. Please correct me if I'm wrong and being overly forgiving of the difference. Centering your life around something you don't even believe in or hate just is pathetic. No matter what it is.

However, as I've come to explore atheism more, I've started to consume more anti-religious content, especially deconstruction and analysis. I fear I'm becoming one of those people who might put atheist in their bio. Like is atheism now a hobby of mine or something? I say that somewhat facetiously--there's nothing wrong with putting "atheist" in your bio. I have just been against it because I don't want to define myself by what I don't believe.

But religion is so dominant in the US that it feels as important as your political beliefs, personal interests, and career choices. And indeed, it is. How you practice, or don't practice, religion or spirituality certainly signals a lot about you. When so many people believe in a personal god or practice a religion of some kind, it is helpful to indicate that you're against that. I can see that now it could be sort of an indicator that you're standing up against the expectation or norm. Or that you feel so strongly about the topic that it is a proud part of your identity and personality. These are all valid points--I am sure there are many more, too. I realize my own personal value in watching anti-religious, especially anti-Christian rhetoric is 2-fold. 1) it's so prevalent and ubiquitous that it's worth putting critical analysis out there in hopes that others might see it and thoughtfully analyze their own views and 2) know thy enemy because again, they are everywhere. I don't actually think Christians are the enemy and I am very interested in their reasons for continuing to believe. I like to have thoughtful discussion on both sides, always have. Now that I'm on the atheist side, I intend not to fight with or belittle anyone, but to have reasonable discussions. So I want to know how they're thinking and what's going on in the Christian world. Why does it even matter? Why do I care? When I was still a believer, but not a practicing Christian, my thought was always "why do atheists care what Christians, or any other believers, think? Why does it matter what they do? It's their life." Except, it's not just their life. It's their children's. They and their children have been indoctrinated into a culture that upholds and teaches things that lead to guilt, shame, abuse in some cases, denial of ones identity/sexual orientation, and lots of fucked up things about gender roles and marriage. Just to name a few off the top of my head. **These rants are not nearly as well-thought out or edited as something like, say, one of my blog posts would be. So I'm all over the place right now. When my mom and step-mom express feelings of guilt related to their role in their marriages or their church or how they let someone's mean and hurtful comments get to them and so they responded angrily (And now they've disappointed god)--shit like that is why it matters. It matters when my son is being taught that when he's not with me--that going to church and honoring Jesus is more important than anything. That prayer will fix everything. That all things, even bad things, are for the good of those who love Jesus. Everything happens for a reason. God doesn't give you more than you can bear. If it's good, it's from God--and if it's not good, it's not from God! You know--all those sayings. That is why I am consuming more atheist media and feeling hypocritical. The tide has turned though, so my view of religion and Christianity has changed. It's not some innocent lifestyle practice. For many it is actually hurting them more. Causing repression of emotions and even their true self. Causing depression. Causing really harmful feelings of guilt and shame for not being a good enough wife, or daughter, or mother, or church member. Deconstructing this helps me put it into more intelligent words and by consuming thoughtful, critical analyses (not the snarky kind filled with just memes and mockery), I can better prepare myself in how to respond to it. It also helps me continue to process my own religious trauma. Because as I experienced it, religion is a total cult.

I have wondered if there is a spiritual deity or otherwise divine power out there that isn't explored or expressed in religion. Perhaps none of our ritualistic practices have encompassed how to best honor it or observe it. Though there's no proof of this, I think the idea of an afterlife or divine being--or just anything supernatural out there, whether it's divine or it created the world or not--is incredibly fascinating. You don't have to have proof to believe something. I'm not sure that I fully do believe in any type of spiritual concepts (still mulling it over), but apparently, it still makes me an atheist

[thereisnoblogniche]

just a rant

I just need a place to get this out that's not my blog or just a journal. The feeling of putting into the void, even if no one reads it or responds. That's okay. I feel very non-human sometimes. Like, I don't have normal human interactions. I am neurodivergent, but I've become hyperaware of how different I am sometimes. And I don't like it. Even if it's just a perception or all in my head, whatever, I can't seem to shake these thoughts that I'm a weirdo, I stick out, I'm different. I just don't do things normally, I guess. Especially in social situations. I do have high anxiety, so maybe it's just that. But I always think people are looking at me. But conversely I don't like looking at other people. I don't like to make eye contact because I feel it's rude. I don't like to stare at someone because it's rude. Unless we are in a conversation, that's just weird. So I act standoffish and uninterested until it's my turn at the customer service counter or until I'm directly interacting with you. Also I always feel like I'm being watched. Out on a walk with my boyfriend? Don't want to talk too loudly or do anything stupid. Someone is watching me out their window! The person across the street is watching us. They're all listening to our conversation and are gonna judge us/think we're dumb! I struggle to talk about my feelings or thoughts sometimes in a normal way to acquaintances and strangers. In my head it's an A to B interaction but in person or on the phone I might stumble over it, say it wrongly, or confuse them. Less so with friends and family. So maybe it's just the social anxiety aspect. But I find myself hyperaware of even something simple as wanting to tell someone they're doing a good job at their workplace (because they're slammed, understaffed, etc), but saying it in such a way that they either don't pay attention to/brush over/don't acknowledge or I fumble it and it's obvious that I'm just a dumb weirdo. It's hard to articulate this. Maybe no one notices this stuff. Maybe it's not as weird as it seems. Or maybe if it is, who fucking cares? Right? I don't even know how I would fix these things, or at least, fix my fear of looking dumb or being watched or not feeling "normal".

I'm realizing how silly and small a lot of this sounds. But you can take something from any of these categories and it happens in some way, on some scale, multiple times a week. I just feel so silly and weird and like I don't fit in anywhere.

[thereisnoblogniche]

Deconstructing my faith

I was deeply indoctrinated into Christianity from an early age. I won't go into the specifics of that. Just assume the standard Christian fare. If you know, you know.

Anyway, I haven't been a practicing Christian for years. But it wasn't until the past year or two that I questioned if the God of the Bible even existed. I began to explore with the idea the God I "knew" may not even be the "right" one. Perhaps another religion's interpretation of God, or many Gods, had it right. Maybe they were all right.

Then, I found an uncomfortable alternative. And I mean really chewed on this one for awhile. What if none of them were right? Of course, I've had my fair share of skepticism over the years, even while being a devout Christian and firm believer. It is possible to be a skeptic/critical thinker AND a Christian. It's just looked down upon.

But this was different. This was me looking back at Christianity's creation and realizing just how new it was. It was me looking at all the other religions that existed for thousands and thousands of years, many of which were very similar to Christianity. It was the same story of humans looking to the heavens and wanting to make sense of it all. Maybe it's just human nature to want for something more.

I started to learn about the extent of Catholicism's reach and influence. How they twisted the Bible to be what they wanted. How they used religion to hold power over people. How they used it for justification in everything they did. American Christians still do all of these things and strain themselves on the daily.

I started to think Christianity looked like a cookie-cutter religion that was just born out of man's desire to a) make sense of life and b) control and influence others with some supposedly divine truth. Not to mention I had questioned the validity of the Bible for a long time. How could it be word of God when there was so much conflicting and outdated info? Besides the stuff Jesus supposedly said, as dictated in certain books, how could I really go off what Paul was saying about how women should act in the church?

I had previously seen Christianity as "practicing my faith" and that the God of the Bible was the ultimate God. I was serving him and living my life for him. It WAS the truth to me. There was no agreeing to disagree. Your religion is wrong and mine is right. My God is the RIGHT ONE. For so long I believed that. If that's all bullshit, man-made fan service Christians had all convinced themselves was true for thousands of years, then all religions very likely are the same. Meaning, not true. After all, there is no proof or evidence of any of these gods existing or any of the religion teachings being true. Proof or not, I have always wanted to believe. So I did for many years--in my heart, despite skepticism, lack of proof, and my questioning of the Bible. The idea of an all-knowing, all-powerful God who created the world and who intimately knows you and loves you--that's an idea I want to subscribe to. But wanting something to be true doesn't mean it is. That's the uncomfortable (possible) truth I have been faced with. I can't know for sure that there is a god. Just like I can't profess for certainty that there isn't one.

If it's one thing I have strongly disliked in my dogmatic journey it's finding people on both ends of the spectrum who are so absolutely sure in their beliefs. Humans are so arrogant, regardless of belief. It's my belief that humans think they are so smart and so special and that it's even possible to know for sure.

As someone who has always chased an absolute truth, I'm faced with the unknowable and ultimate absolute truth. The existence or non-existence of a god/creator.

I also envy brainwashed Christians and staunch hardcore atheists. At least they 100%, unilaterally, unquestioningly believe what they believe is right. Like absolutely convinced. Now that I don't have that, for either side, I feel a little lost and sad. I want to believe in SOMETHING like that. Anything.

That leads me to another thing. The grief. Coming to accept that the god and Jesus I thought existed don't exist. I still find that little voice in my head saying "but maybe they do". And yeah, maybe they so. But probably not. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of something. Maybe I wasn't an active Christian, but I still believed for a long time. So much about church and the Bible and the congregation were bullshit, but I still believed. Now I have to grapple with the grief of knowing there's nothing after we die (probably). That there's no Heaven. Although, comfortingly, there's no hell then, either. Again, this is my strong belief. But I can't KNOW for sure. It is just highly unlikely and it's giving me great sadness. My boyfriend told me if I want to believe so badly, why don't I just believe? If it gives me comfort, believe in God and Jesus and have some personal relationship with them or even go to a nice church I like.

As I said before though: believing something doesn't make it true. See: Flat Earthers, anti-vaxxers, moon landing deniers, etc. It's all really complicated for me. I feel like exploring this as a former believer complicates it. My boyfriend was not raised religious and he has a much more straightforward, tidy relationship with atheism. Ah that feels like such a dirty word. I feel like a fraud for calling myself that. But I can't pretend I believe either.

I'm learning there's no true neutral position with belief, especially deities. You either believe or you don't. And if you don't know or aren't sure, it's a no.

I don't trust my own brain sometimes. I was homeschooled. We've established the indoctrination shit. I didn't even learn about evolution until college. Made to feel guilty about tithing my birthday/christmas money...as an 8 year old. That level of indoctrination. So deconstructing my faith has not been simple or easy. I don't feel relief. I feel sadness. I feel anger at my family. I feel pity for them.

So I don't know if my own thoughts about this are going to lead to any meaningful conclusion. I can't even seem to believe in my own thoughts right now, much less a deity or lack thereof. I think the next step is to read some books and articles.

For now, I uncomfortably wear the title of atheist. There's a lot more left to unpack.

[thereisnoblogniche]

I’m back

sort of. maybe i’ll go back to using this like a journal.

[thereisnoblogniche]

Guide to Handling a Mental Health Crisis

This is my tried and true method. If it doesn’t work for you, I guarantee your money back ;) 

When you’re faced with a possibly life-changing crisis or event that shakes you to your core, often the first reaction is to panic or breakdown. This is what I do after that.

1. Cry a lot. 

2. No, seriously. Just let it all out.

3. Or maybe angrily smashing things or screaming is more your style? Perhaps just sitting there numbly while listening to music? 

4. Splash cold water on your face. It recalibrates your senses and is surprisingly calming, despite the shock it gives you. Actually, I think that initial shock of cold water that makes you gasp is what resets your brain, so to speak.

5. Let your feelings happen. Don’t shove them down or repress them. That will not help. Don’t avoid them because they hurt. Embrace them. Listen to mopey music or angry music. Whatever your cup of coffee is. 

6. Stop. Take a deep breath. Several slow, steady deep breaths. This should probably be higher up. But I usually don’t think of it soon enough.

7. Drink a shit ton of water. Like, just chug a bunch right now. Look at you, being healthy and productive! It’s at least accomplishing one thing.

8. Distract yourself. This comes in many different shapes and colors. What I don’t recommend is mindlessly scrolling through Tumblr or Facebook. It will piss you off or annoy you eventually. Okay, I can’t tell you what to do actually. It just has that effect on me sometimes and I don’t find it distracting in a positive way because of that. 

Instead, immerse yourself in something. That’s the good kind of distraction. For me, I like to watch vine compilations. They say laughter is the best medicine, so it can’t hurt here. Another favorite of mine is immersion in a hobby that I love. Writing fiction being my favorite. I also enjoy studying vocabulary words or looking up topics that interest me (I recently looked up how schizophrenia works in the brain; another time, I watched a short doc on the deep sea). Another thing I do for distraction is look up classes for skills or interests I have, even if I dont’ go through with doing it. 

9. Reach out to someone. This one is the hardest. I don’t have a core group of close friends. I don’t even have a best friend that’s not my boyfriend. So it feels awkward to reach out to someone and say “hey, I’m struggling. Can I talk to you?” I’ve done it. But sometimes you just don’t want to do that. Instead, if I’m hurting like this and I’ve done the other steps, I reach out to someone and ask how they’re doing. I tell them I’m thinking about them and hope they’re okay and if they need to talk to me about anything, I’m there. It makes you feel so good and also serves as a distraction (er, not to mention the far more important aspect of how you’re touching someone else’s life in a positive way).

10. Find out what your next step is. You’ve been through a lot emotionally and mentally. You’re overwhelmed, upset, and probably in a very dark place overall. By now, hopefully you feel a bit more calm and in control. Maybe not completely, but you’re getting there. Think about what the next step to resolving your crisis or getting through the situation would be. You don’t have to do it, just ruminate on it. Would it be to make a phone call to someone? Do some research online? Talk to someone else about your options? Just knowing what the next step is can feel like a bit of relief.

You’re going to be okay. That’s so hard to believe when you feel your world is crashing down on you and you want to end it all just so you don’t have to deal with it or be a burden to anyone. (I know from experience). But the radical concept I have to drill into my own skull is that it really will be okay. You will find an answer or a solution. You won’t feel like this forever. Feelings do wash over you like waves from the ocean because they, too, will pass. 

You can get through this crisis and face your problems head on. You will rise up like the Phoenix you are and you’ll be okay. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but you will. Once you can get yourself feeling more calm and collected, you’ll be more prepared for what to do next. That’s not to say it’s smooth sailing and nothing will ever go wrong. It just means you can handle it step by step, slowly but surely.

Also, if you can, and you’re willing, go hug someone. :) Physical touch is super important.

[thereisnoblogniche]

My ex-fiancé is getting married. And it looks like it’ll be for real.

We had such an intense relationship. I finally accepted at the end of last year that we weren’t compatible. I thought we would end up together through all our adversity. He had so many qualities I admired. I would have done anything to be with him.

We talked on and off after our breakup and sometimes discussed getting back together or meeting up (we live 12 hours apart). I mourned him not being in my life. I dreamt about us having a family. I wanted so badly to have this fantasy love with him that we had once so passionately had—except this time, I wanted it to be actually practical and stand through adversity.

It took me a long time to stop pining. And an even longer time to realize how shitty he could be sometimes or how incompatible we were in some areas. Though the areas we were compatible in were amazing and it was such an incredibly intense and passionate relationship at times. Maybe that’s what I craved more than anything.

But seeing his mom’s post about the coming wedding shake me to my core. I’m over him though! Seeing the girl angers me. She’s ugly and plain and I hate myself for saying that. She makes annoying posts about being excited for the wedding and uses a shit ton of emojis (he used to hate that). She’s super excited to change her last name for him. I had a long discussion with him about why I wouldn’t and he agreed to that. We discussed hyphenating both our names.

I don’t know man. It’s just a big ole knife right through my heart to see this. And they got engaged sooo fast. I mean if Facebook is any indicator (and he was always serious about the dates and statuses on FB), then they became engaged just a few months after announcing their relationship.

I want so badly to tell him off. I don’t know what I’d say and I don’t know what the purpose would be. But I feel so much anger and sadness.

[thereisnoblogniche]

Just some thoughts and things

I really don’t mean to sound like “I’m not like other girls”, but I have been thinking about weddings lately and how I would be super uncomfortable wearing a dress, even for such a big occasion. I’ve worn them before as a way to have fun with friends who made me up, but it was never me. I wish it were but I can’t imagine being in a dress all day, uncomfortable, with everyone’s eyes on me.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten less accustomed to it. As though dresses and makeup have become too superficial. I don’t actually think that for other people. I think of it for myself. I’ve considered changing up my look and wearing a little makeup or some nicer clothing, but then I feel guilty because I know I’m doing it mostly out of insecurity. My motivation is to just make sure my boyfriend knows how attractive I could be because I’ve felt ugly lately. That’s such a flawed way of thinking though and he fell in love with me, as is. I have nothing to prove.

I’m a conservative dresser because I hate to feel like my body is being consumed. Dresses, I feel, will put me on display. While there are more conservative dresses, I guess I still feel resentful that as a woman I’m expected to wear one.

So maybe it’s less about being on display and more about comfort and not feeling like it’s me. There’s also a peer pressure element there.

I searched “non traditional wedding dresses” just to see what’s out there. The best thing I found was a very chic pants suit that had a sort of veil looking thing flowing from the hips (idk what to call it).

I just can Hear the pushback already from family. But aren’t weddings supposed to be about you?

Maybe I will have a private ceremony and then a big reception.

[thereisnoblogniche]

Running late because you had to doodoo is self care