#and no matter what word I use to describe myself those experiences hold true!

[coyotesinew]

Some rambling about my personal feelings towards the Holothere/holotherianthropy label.

will put it under a cut since it's looong!

I really want to like this label. I wish it felt like it worked for me. on and off I consider it, but there's always something that's causing a hangup. I do feel like there's some sort of physical aspect of my identity, or at the very least that my identity reaches into the physical world to an extent as a result of my own actions. But I feel like something about claiming that specifically apart from how I already exist, i.e. under the labels "therian" or "nonhuman" Just feels...wrong?

I don't know, I guess I just don't really see why I would need a different word. I understand that there's parameters to each of these different words, they all mean different things even if it's similar, I see why it would make sense to have more specifically denote that there's a physical aspect of your identity. But at the same time, I feel like the possibility of me having a physical aspect of my identity shouldn't be outside of the realm that nonhuman or therian covers. By claiming physicality through the word holothere, does that not imply that you cannot claim to be a therian if your experience is physical in any way? I told someone "I am an animal", it wouldn't then be surprising if I told them there are aspects of my animal experience that exist in communication with my physical body.

I think it's just my want for simplicity, everything already feels overcomplicated. I don't want to complicate things more. I don't need to describe each specific thing that I experience separately, especially when all of these things are experienced together and in relationship with each other.

does the fact that my experience reaches into the physical realm change the base experience that I'm having which is "I am an animal"? Do the physical experiences I have somehow strip me of my therian identity? Of course not. What am I really trying to communicate? Am I trying to communicate that I am an animal? Am I trying to communicate that I am *seriously* an animal in all aspects of my life, including physically? Do I have to denote publicly with a label that I feel that my identity is physical? I think that it's quite personal for me. If I want to talk about my physical experiences, I can just speak about them candidly and say things like "I experience my identity physically to X extent"

do I feel like a coyote in body and mind? I'd have to say that I do. But what's my hangup about saying that I have the physical body of a coyote? honestly, it may stem from dysphoria. Something hurts when I tell myself that I have a physical body of a coyote, because in actuality, I know that biological existence as a coyote is impossible for me. something about claiming That Specifically, hurts a little bit more than claiming everything else.

is it because I'm just not used to it? It certainly could be. I spent years having hangups about claiming my nonhumanity to any degree, be it mentally, psychologically, etc. Maybe it's just a matter of time, if I say it more often, I might be more comfortable. Do I just feel like I'm not allowed to claim my physical experiences? What makes someone allowed to claim this? This is a situation of self selection, no one gives you the go-ahead. I think that if anything it's just the word itself. Extra words bog things down, and I don't want to be bogged down.

if I had to say it in the most comfortable way for me, I would say I am coyote in mind and body, physically and non-physically, artistically, and emotionally. I think that's enough.

[many-but-one]

i understand if you don’t answer questions like this and it won’t hurt my feelings if you need to delete this.

i feel like my smaller parts have been coming out a lot lately, but the problem is that they are so overwhelmed and so sad all the time, and so fearful of anyone and everyone close to us, that i feel like i’m drowning in an ocean of sadness and hurt and depression. everything is so hard and nothing brings me true joy and i feel like it will never get better. my partner gets overwhelmed when i get like this and tries to talk to me like i’m one singular person and he can’t spot my little ones unless i tell him they’re there. i know that that makes sense intellectually, but in the moment it feels like he doesn’t see me/us and i’m just reliving my childhood and teen experiences of not being okay and begging for help and never being believed.

i do have a therapist, and she helps some, but sometimes it just feels like all i get is “do yoga and meditation and that’ll help.” she’s been through a lot herself and i know intellectually it probably works and i really should do it, but i just can’t bring myself to, and i don’t feel like it’ll fix the hole in my heart. maybe nothing ever will, i don’t know.

if you have any advice i’d be happy to listen but i also understand if this is too heavy or sad to talk about. i know it’s probably just a matter of having to grit my teeth and try to take care of the kids and get over myself anyway.

Oh luv🥺 I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I can absolutely understand why the feeling of being ignored or unseen can make parts feel like they are reliving aspects of their childhood. Young parts often hold so much pain, it can be hard for lesser knowing parts to even fathom such deep depths of emotions like that until they’re right next to you and you’re feeling them.

My suggestion to you is twofold:

1) communicate with your partner and your therapist that while you know they’re trying to help, their help is just…not helpful. You are allowed to tell someone their help isn’t helping, especially a therapist that you pay to see. A question you will likely get from them is “How can I help you better, then?” And that’s something you’ll need to figure out. What would help you best in that moment? Comfort? Talking about the emotions? Expressing them in some way with your partner? (Such as making art or listening to a music playlist these parts make to help get these feelings out? Both can also double as a way for your partner to see the intensity of the pain externally in ways that perhaps words or explanation just can’t describe. Art is a powerful mode of communication, feel free to use it!)

2) Find out what YOU yourself can do to help these child alters feel better too. Unfortunately we cannot always rely on external people to be the miracle validators we need, we also have to rely on ourselves. Would your child alters want to be known by you or others externally better? Why are they scared of those around you? What can YOU do to help them feel comforted in this moment? Some other good skills to learn are grounding in the present (as these things you are feeling are likely emotional flashbacks—feelings your child self was feeling during times of trauma), something called “unblending” which is recognizing when emotions are not your own and working to unblend from that child self whose emotions are leaking into you, and widening your window of tolerance. These things can be hard! They are skills that requires practice, especially since folks with CDDs tend to be pretty “all or nothing” when it comes to emotions. Either you feel ALL OF IT or you dissociate it all away. Boon, Steele, and Van der Hart talk about this in the book “Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation” which is a fantastic resource available here.

Here is an excerpt that talks a bit about emotional avoidance or lack of reflection on emotions and learning how to widen your window of tolerance that may be useful:

In addition to all the things suggested, if you have child alters who are flooding the front with so much emotion that it seems nigh uncontrollable, it’s probably best that they not be fronting at that time. Learning how to communicate with them and say things like “hey, I am at work right now, we cannot be having these sorts of emotions at this time. I am not ignoring you, we will address them later when we are in a safe place at home. Can you please go inside to a safe place until we can address these emotions safely?” To which you then must address those parts later on, or they will end up not trusting you when you communicate this and will be less likely to leave front when you ask. Directing them to a safe alter (like a caretaker, protector, or gatekeeper) or asking them to go to a safe inner place internally can provide a bit of relief. If you don’t have an inner safe place or don’t know if you do, here’s some ideas on inner safe places for parts:

To create an inner safe place, try this visualization. We did this with our therapist and we still have the store in our inner world. Granted, it’s much bigger and more complex now to fit all the needs of all parts, but it’s still there!

Also creating time in your day or week for younger parts to come out and be in a safe place and enjoy things they like can work wonders on them feeling more comfortable in the present. Maybe at first you do not involve your partner in this. You can color in a coloring book, read a children’s book to your parts, eat a tasty snack with them, or any number of other things. Helping young parts feel safe and adjusted in the present space is helpful. Something we often have to do with young parts is a “house tour” which is going around the house and pointing out all the things that are different than the old places. “See how the walls are [color] and not [color]? Look at this decoration, we didn’t have that back then. Look at our [pet if you have one] we didn’t have them back then. Look at this furniture and these clothes, we didn’t have these things back then, because it is [insert this year] and not back then, we are safe now in this space.” Eventually adding your partner in with these activities will also help them feel safer around your partner.

Additionally, encouraging parts to express themselves with words or pictures rather than emotions can be important. Putting emotions into something like words, drawings, a gallery of photos you find on the internet, etc, can be a good way to help de-escalate emotions and make them not so intense. I know saying “putting words to emotions makes the emotions not so intense” feels fake, but trust me, it works. Yes, it pisses us off every time we do what our therapist says will help and it actually helps. Yes, we still do it begrudgingly even though it helps. If parts are not allowed to talk about what happened to them (your gatekeeper or protector parts do not allow them to disclose trauma) then have them not write about the experience itself, but the emotions behind the experience. Encourage parts to use their words when communicating rather than emotions or flashbacks.

I hope some of these suggestions helped? Good luck and take care anon!

-Dori🌹 (she/he/they)

[arienotari]

Brown Eyes

Hello, this is my first time ever sharing my writing so sorry if this sucks wet asshole. Anyways I hope you like this. I wrote this with Din in mind so yeah. 

Word count: 561

No warnings just fluff.

   I don’t know how to describe it but it’s a welcoming feeling, like I can go on for hours just staring at them. I’m being pulled into a conversation where no words are being spoken, not even the slightest breath coming past my lips. I ask myself will this go on forever and I can’t help but to think I hope it does. Even with a stone cold stare hiding emotions that have been hidden forever and locked away for no one to see, I found them. I want to wonder more about those two honey spheres. They are telling me the history behind each line around them and the hide and seek game they play. I want to keep them just for me so no one can experience them the way I do and the rush they give me. They make me feel whole again like I was never broken in the first place. Piece by piece they sculpted me back into my old self where no harm had been done to me and the scars left had subsided. I will follow them across galaxies if it means I can look at them for a second longer. People probably think I’m crazy but it doesn’t matter because I know that it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is I’m the one that got to see the true force of those eyes and no one else will. I know he hides them away because of his past and who he is but I wish he could see what they can do. I know when this is over he’ll put me in the dark to where he can’t even see himself but right now the sunlight shines through making his chestnut eyes golden. I want to reach out to him in hopes that he'll feel what I feel when looking at him. This causes new questions for me. Does he feel the same when looking at me? I know he’s bound to hide behind his mask again and forget everything that's happened in the last three minutes but I can’t. I never want to forget what his true face looks like. Before I realize what I'm doing my heart decides for me as I reach out to touch his face. I brush his hair out of his face as he stiffens but to my surprise doesn't stop me. 

“You are beautiful” I whisper, cupping his cheek with one hand. 

He then places his hand on mine as he tilts his face into my hand confirming what I had known. We sit like this for what feels like eternity, not that it mattered to me in the slightest bit. We are pulled back into reality when we hear heavy footsteps coming towards us. He shoots up immediately, still holding onto my hand. I know we will have to run again as to not get caught by the guards. I squeeze his hand letting him know that it is alright and that I know he has made a sacrifice by letting me see who he really is. I let go of his hand preparing for the grief I will feel once his true self is concealed again.  

“We need to go now”, he says in a cold tone, turning away from me, concealing his brown eyes which will never be seen again. 

Maybe.    

[lily-drake]

Going 2 b honest it's kind of weird of u 2 assume those of us who use it/its don't know the implications that might come from that . For some of us its reclaiming it (plenty of us got called "it" as children for looking a bit 2 transgender or being a bit 2 autistic or weird or gay) for some of us we don't care. Some ppl use it because their genders r more complicated than "man" "woman" or "nebulous other/none". Some ppl use it because they r therians/kin/etc but that is not my experience so I can't speak on it. It's not rlly ur business 2 decide what we deserve 2 call ourselves. I mean if u want 2 misgender ppl that's its own problem but assuming u don't want 2. Don't patronize us and assume we don't know what we're doing. Most of us aren't children and we r perfectly capable of understanding what we r saying. I hope u never interact with someone who uses it/its because its literally not that fucking deep

It is deep though. I am deeply sorry for the people who were constantly called and referred to as “it” throughout their childhoods and lives. That’s a heartbreaking thing and I can only imagine the pain each individual felt when being referred to as such. It’s heartbreaking to know that many of the people were not truly seen as humans, and it truly is a travesty of our modern age.

I know many of the people don’t understand the implications of the word as a majority asking to be called “It” are in fact children. Children that don’t fully comprehend right from wrong, that don’t fully comprehend truth from fiction, children that simply can’t understand the meaning because their brains are still not yet full developed. If you don’t trust a 10-year-olds to drive safely by themselves as they don’t fully comprehend the dangers of the road, if you don’t trust a 13-year-olds to comprehend the consequences of getting filler/injection as they are still underdeveloped puberty wise, if you don’t trust a 16-year-olds to be able to comprehend what it takes to take care of a family; then you shouldn’t trust them to comprehend the decision they are making to willingly dehumanize themselves, to be at war with themselves constantly, never knowing who they truly are.

Gender isn’t actually that complicated. See “gender” was created for the use of languages and languages alone! For example Latin uses genders to refer to masculine, feminine, and neuter nouns and verbs, and where all Romance Languages are derived from Latin, they follow similar patterns! For example Agriculae means “The Farmer” and because it ends in “ae” the word is masculine; Stella means “A Star” and because it ends in “a” the word is feminine; Verbum means “A word” and because of the “um” the word is neuter. Gender was never used to describe a person, nor was it ever meant to, it’s just for the words themselves. And as for sex, well simply put, there are only 2 sexes as proven by science.

Animals also only have 2 sexes which are male and female. So even if someone finds that they wish to be more animalistic, they would still be either female or male.

I will call people by what they are. I hold respect for the person, but that does not mean I have to respect their choices; and I expect the same in return. When I made that post I already knew someone would tell me to kill myself, which a person did. I knew that I would be insulted and told to grow up, which many people did. I knew that people would talk down to me and try to guilt trip me, which did happen. Despite this, I hold no grudge and I will continue to talk in a respectful manner. I believe that everyone has an important purpose in life, that each person is imperfect (myself included), but even so everyone can create beautiful and important things no matter what. Most importantly, I believe that real and objective truth is one of the greatest things we hold in this life. For if we can not see the world through the lens of reality, there is nothing left in this world that can ever be viewed as true and beautiful ever again. Where truth has been covered up, chaos and cruelty will reign in its place. I often hear people say that “God made a mistake”, but that would imply that God is some bumbling oaf that doesn’t know his left from right. God is a perfect being, He has never, nor can He ever, make a mistake. If you don’t believe in God, then it must be even harder. To constantly be war with yourself, to never be at peace with oneself is a heartbreaking thought. To never trust your mind, to curse your soul, to choose to remain in confusion and darkness…I can only imagine how painful that must be. I send all my love and all of my prayers to these people, because they deserve happiness; but more importantly they deserve the peace and assurity that comes with truly accepting oneself for who you are, not who you think you “should be”.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this, and please know I am open to having a peaceful and open discussion. There is nothing wrong with a disagreement nor civil debate. I hope that even if we can not come to an agreement I hope that we can at least see eye-to-eye and that both of us can come to an understanding.

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly? I feel people particularly in Western and individualist capitalist society over complicate and subscribe to a concept of "sense of self" that is far more limited and self destructive than not and that rather limited concept of "sense of self" is largely why there stuff like DID and all seem to be "more prevalent in western cultures" since identity and "sense of self" as a thing of "what makes me who I am and what makes me different than others"

But honestly? As I see it, my / our sense of self is the collection of our way of existing and maybe a vague sense of our principles and values that we collectively have - but even thats a "maybe". Imo the sense of self is always changing and any real attempts to label it is 9/10 times just going to describe your present state of being and while that is very important to acknowledge, trying to hold yourself to an identity that is rooted in an arbitrary state of being established at an arbitrary time you last reflected and checked in/on your "sense of self" tends to drive a lot of distress, confusion, and general "stuckness" when - for whatever reason - your current sense of self doesn't align with what it was last Tuesday when you thought of it.

Riku and I talk about this all the time, between Riku's more classical Zen Buddhist approach to things and me just generally being anti-captialist anti-individualism - it's something we really like to have our internal socratic seminars over /hj

But I guess in short for us, each alter has a momentary sense of self defined by their own general way of existing, and somewhere in there, there is a collective way of existing that we have that we all vibe with and understand but due to DID and dissociation, we ourselves can't see it as clearly as outsiders might and honestly? That's fine. We don't need to clearly see that because imo, knowledge and a deep word-bound understanding of what that is tends to be a lot more restraining and harmful than actually knowing it.

I generally go by the line of "I am me" (OK RIKU IM TRYING TO TALK ABOUT OUR CONVERSATION PLEASE DONT THROW MEMES AT ME WHEN IM TRYING TO TALK ABOUT THIS) and I think that applies both on the alter and system level. There's no real need to over complicate it.

Like I can say stuff like "I'm a nonbinary male rocker boy anti-capitalist anti-individualism white haired ass whole who is an introject of like 6 different sources and loves martial arts and DMC and" all that I want and that is all true and I love and value all those very identifying traits of myself and regularly indulge in that, but really, all of that is just what I am *right now* and not who I am as a whole large concept that lives, grows, and changes over time.

Sense of self is, and should be, ever growing, ever changing, and undefinable with words in my opinion and approaching sense of self like that removes A LOT of stress on this "oh no but we have to be consistent" and "well who AM I" cause like.... you are you no matter what and no matter how complicated, chaotic, and structurally chaotic "you" might be as well as regardless of if you can see "you" clearly.

The thing is, even as a system, others will perceive you and they will see the whole more clearly than you do because they don't see all the internal workings as detailed to clutter it - but it's there, solely on the basis that your being is operating and interacting in the world in some way that is defined by your life experiences and internal experiences and your actions compiled paint an image of self. We can't see it well cause amnesia and what not, but it's there and I trust outsiders to see and acknowledge it without me needing to consciously label it.

But I digress-

//kicks XIV off the platform// I'M LITERALLY SCREAMING I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE LAST 20 MINUTES FOR A REALLY GOOD ZEN BUDDHIST 1.5 HOUR LONG DISCUSSION ON THIS TOPIC THAT I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKED AND I THINK ITS OFF YOUTUBE AND IM GOING TO CRY AND SCREAM AND DIE AND //shot//

I really wanted to link it here up at the top cause it was REALLY good and REALLY liberating but now I guess at least I have a reason to go find another speaker who converses it half as well

If I find something like that I'll link it but like "Who am I" is honestly a very fundamental meditative question within Zen and (apparently from what I find while trying my hardest to find the video on youtube) Tibetan Buddhism and its such a nice thing to meditate though.

((WHY IS IT NO LONGER THERE IM GOING TO CRY AND DIE AND SCREAM AND-//shot//)

(... ironically case in point of the ever changing "way of being" XD)

On Identity

The other day, I saw someone talk about struggling with their own identity outside of “someone with DID” or “a person with trauma”. And that got me to thinking… what even is identity in the context of those of us who are a system? Individual alters may have their own sense of identity, sure, however they find that identity. But is there a system identity? And not like…. just in the sense of “we’re part of this system”, but like…. a whole, overarching identity that feels like “me” that the whole system feels, if that makes sense?

And what even makes up an identity? I’ve heard of people saying things like, favorite color or favorite food, but that feels incredibly surface level. But things like race, age, and class also feel too limiting. Or rather… I don’t like putting the focus on those things as my identity. It’s a part of my identity, yes. But not really the whole story?

The sense of “me” is kind of weird for people with DID and trying to differentiate how that feels from alter to alter is hard to articulate. And I’m sure no two systems even conceptualize identity the same way. The sense of “me” vs “not me” is both nebulous and distinct. And is there maybe some sort of an undercurrent of “me” that’s prevalent throughout all the alters in my system?

I think I can pretty confidently say, yeah. There is definitely a sense of “me” that seems present in every single alter in this system. I can’t really spell out what that “me” is, but I think it’s there. And as the days go on that sense of identity, of “me”, not as a part but as a whole, gets a little bit stronger.

Maybe this is what it means to be less dissociative. Maybe this is the beginning of what healing looks like for me.

[abundanceofnots]

a little (just under 2k) playground scene with Lip and Ian as dads, as per @pink--and--white's request. i apologize to all actual parents in advance.

“How the fuck did we get here?” Lip asks through a huff of incredulous laughter.

Ian shades his eyes from the sun, turning to his older brother with a look of mock concern. “Your memory that bad already, old man? We drove here.”

It earns him a stinging smack on his thigh.

“Asshole,” Lip retorts back. “You know what I mean.”

Ian’s eyes flit back to the scene before them. “Yeah, I do,” he confirms a beat later, his voice more earnest this time.

This, by far, isn’t a new feeling. Lip’s had the exact same thought pass through his mind countless times in recent years, always in a momentary flash of warmth that filled up his whole chest. It happens all the more often now over the most mundane shit, though.

The first time was, probably, when Freddie was born. Then Ian got married, and Al came along, and Liam got to a good school—and after that followed every other quiet (not literally) evening when the whole family gathered up in the kitchen.

In those instants, Lip would stall himself for just a second, getting lost in the overwhelming sounds and visuals, and think, what the fuck.

He’s getting soft. That’s it, most likely. He’s getting soft and sentimental, going on with his extremely unexceptional life, wondering how in the hell did a piece of shit like himself get so lucky, and slowly becomes someone he’d gladly punch in the face not too long ago.

It hits him hard again, this strange sense of pride and wonder, as he sits next to his baby brother on a bench overlooking a kids’ playground.

This one’s the real deal. Everything here is child-proof and clean, with no syringe or dogshit in sight. Frank or some random homeless guy aren’t lying in a drunken coma by the swing sets. There’s not even one bullet hole in the slide. And maybe it’s not so hard to admit that this is actually pretty nice. That this is them now.

Still, the whole thing is, without a doubt, totally ridiculous. Here they are, Lip and Ian—the college dropout and the ex-con, the true sons of the South Side—sneakily munching on their kids’ packed afternoon snacks.

“Dumb luck, I guess,” Ian answers Lip’s question after some musing and takes a sip from Toe’s pink-colored juice box.

Lip hmms before he bites into a baby carrot. “For us, or them?”

“For us. Definitely.”

They’re just two regular dads who carry around lunchboxes and always have a wet wipe or a pack of tissues at hand, ready to blow noses and wipe off residue chocolate from chins and hands. There aren’t enough words in the English language that would describe how incredibly ridiculous this is, because once upon a time, not too long ago, still, Ian wore a jumpsuit with Dav on the nametag and believed this was it for him, and Lip thought the only way to get through life was by drinking himself through the ordeal.

How the fuck did they get here?

“Freddie! Hey, Freddie!” Lip calls out to his oldest, who hangs upside down from the monkey bars, effectively ignoring him. “Fred!” he tries again with an annoyed sigh, and the boy finally remembers how his ears work. “Can you help your cousin on the slide?”

“Okay!”

With a swift motion, Freddie pulls himself up again to grab hold of a bar, unhooking his knees in the process, and jumps down into the sand with practiced ease. He then immediately gets into a run, coming behind the red-headed girl in black overalls who’s been trying to climb the gentle ramp on her own.

“What was that about?” Ian inquires amusedly.

“Early puberty, I think. He doesn’t want us to call him Freddie anymore. It’s Fred. No Fredster, no Fredtastic, definitely no Fredosaurus. Just Fred. Apparently, I went to bed, and my son turned into a middle-aged man overnight.”

“Oof. That’s rough.”

“Yeah. The next thing I know, he’s gonna get a neck tattoo and his first STI. Al, buddy!” His younger son Alvin, at least, seems to have no trouble with hearing. “You need help? Want me to push you?”

“No, I’m good!” the blond kid shouts back from the swing, and to prove his point, he pushes himself harder off the ground to gain momentum.

Lip scratches his forehead. “They don’t need me anymore,” he comments darkly. “I am officially a bother.”

“You’ve always been a bother,” Ian notes before he stuffs his mouth full of grapes. “Come on, Lip. Freddie’s eight. He’s not exactly packing his bags to leave home. He’s still very much a daddy’s boy.”

“I don’t know, man. When I remember what I was already doing when I was his age….”

“Yeah, but that’s different. They’re not like us. They don’t need to be, and that’s a good thing.”

Ian’s right, but the concept of normal as something desirable, something he doesn’t necessarily need to rebel against, is something Lip may never fully come to grasps with. And neither does Ian, even if he says otherwise.

“We might be getting a dog,” Lip says after a while, pausing before he sinks his teeth into a cheese stick.

“No way!” Ian smirks at him. “Look at you, perfect American family and shit.”

Lip snorts at that. He and Tami are pretty damn far from perfect. “You not thinking about getting a pet? A friendly rottweiler for Mickey, perhaps?”

“No. First, I gotta talk him into having another kid.”

That takes Lip by surprise. He knows Ian absolutely adores his little girl, his mini ginger twin that everyone got to call Toe, short for Tomato, but he also knows the whole story behind how she came to be.

“Oh, yeah? You’d like another?”

“Yeah,” Ian admits, and as his eyes drop to his lap where his fingers fiddle with a paper straw, Lip realizes he sounds ashamed about it.

“Not as easy as poking holes in condoms with you guys, huh?” he jokes to release the sudden tension.

“Hah. No.”

“You told Mickey yet?”

Meeting his brother’s eyes again, Ian gives a noncommittal shrug. “I hinted.”

From experience, Lip knows that hinting in Ian’s case almost exclusively means Mickey is fully aware of his intentions and just chooses to ignore them before Ian confronts him head-on.

“Hopefully, you’ll have another girl,” he tells Ian after a quiet moment filled with children’s high-pitched screams and the steady screeching of a swing set. “It’s a lot more physical with boys. These two are already fighting like we used to.”

“Doesn’t really matter when you’re raising a Milkovich,” Ian remarks before yelling: “Hey, Toe? You wanna have a sip of your juice for me?”

The girl waves at them eagerly as she slides down the bendy chute. Getting to a run right as her feet touch the ground, she comes to a jolty halt in front of them, taking a good, hard look at the juice box as if only now realizing what’s expected of her.

“No, thank you,” Toe then peeps and skips off again.

“Polite,” Lip appraises.

Ian gives a low chuckle. “Fuckin’ weird, huh?”

“With Mickey as her dad? A little.”

They watch the kids play for a few minutes. Ian offers to exchange a cheese stick for three grapes, and Lip negotiates it up to five before agreeing.

“You think he’d be against it? Having another kid?” he asks Ian mid-chew.

“I mean, I wouldn’t blame him, after all the shit with Terry. Maybe with a second kid, he’d think there’d be twice the damage he could do. Dunno,” Ian surmises uncertainly. “I know how hard it was for him to even want a kid, and I get why he was scared. Don’t get me wrong, I’m shitting myself every day when I think of the ways I could fuck this up. But he’s a great dad. You saw him with Toe. She’s obsessed with him. The way she laughs at everything he says makes you think he invented comedy or something.”

Lip’s aware that their conversation turned sort of serious once again, but he can’t help not breaking into a smile. “Sounds like you’re kinda jealous of your husband there, Ian.”

“Oh, I hate his guts,” his brother confirms, only partially kidding. “I’m a fun dad, too, you know.” As if on cue, a figure coming their way catches his attention, and Ian nods to where his daughter’s playing, telling Lip: “Okay, watch this.”

Mickey gestures at Freddie with a finger to his lips, coming around the slide just in time to catch his daughter in his arms with a victorious roar.

“Daddy!” Toe announces the good news to everyone around with a loud squeal.

Ian gives his brother a pointed look.

“Fuck, man,” Lip huffs with mock seriousness. “You tellin’ me she loves her dad? What a nightmare.”

“Yo, lunch ladies.” Mickey suddenly approaches them with Toe at his hip. “How ’bout less chit-chatting and more kid-watching? Think I’d remember if I left my kid with a giant fuckin’ bruise on her forehead this morning.”

“Yeah. She’s had a bit of a scuffle with Alvin earlier,” Ian says, reaching out to soothingly rub Toe’s calf as if said scuffle and the tears it brought weren’t already long forgotten.

“The hell’s he doin’ fightin’ someone half his size?!”

“She started it!” Lip counters weakly.

“Okay.” Mickey’s mouth hangs open for a minute before he finds his figurative footing again. “I guess she had her reasons for that. And you should teach your kids to not fight dirty.”

“I go play now,” Toe informs him then, putting a stop to his rant and his bad mood in one go.

“Yeah! You do that!” Mickey replies as he puts her down, matching her level of enthusiasm. She heads for the extensive pirate-ship-like construction this time, watchful cousin Freddie already on her heels, and Mickey drops heavily next to his husband, letting out a prolonged groan into his hands.

“Tough day?” Ian asks needlessly.

“Igor’s a fuckin’ idiot.”

“Told you he was.”

“And I agree, so drop it, a’ight? Hey, by the way.”

“Hey,” Ian echoes before they exchange a quick kiss.

Mickey notices the juice in his hands then and perks up. “That raspberry?” he checks after he’s already snagged the box for himself, taking loud slurps from it to get every last drop. He finishes off with a belch. “Fuckin’ love raspberry.”

Lip finds that anything he’d say at that moment would only spoil the natural fucking beauty of it, so he just appreciates with a private snicker.

“Daddy! Daddy!” Toe yells from the top of one of the pirate ship’s smaller slides. “Come play!”

Mickey pats at Ian’s thigh. “That’s on you, man. I’m beat.”

Putting his fun-dad face on, Ian heaves himself up without a complaint. “Hey, jellybean! Do you think your dad can fit on the slide, too?”

Toe shakes her head vehemently, giggling as she watches Ian jog toward her. “No, daddy! No! No!”

“What, you don’t think I can?” Ian asks again, halfway through his climb up on the board. “Well, take off your socks now because they might get blown off! I’mma fit!”

“Daddy!” Toe howls with laughter as he bumps his head on one of the low railings.

Beside Lip, Mickey imitates the reaction, both his hand and the phone he’s holding with it to record a video visibly shaking. When he notices Lip staring, his grin falters a little.

“These two jokers,” Mickey complains after he ends the recording. “She always laughs at everything he does like he invented comedy or some shit.”

Lip answers with a knowing smile, his chest feeling full of warmth.

Seriously, how the fuck did they get here?

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

romeo must die

this one-shot is based on the song Romeo Must Die by Gabrielle Aplin, I highly recommend listening to it! shout out to @eugeniaslongsword for introducing me to it :) i even borrowed some lyrics from it haha. it is also inspired by the entire playlist I made, "being treated badly by someone doesn't make you love them more"

content warnings: past toxic/unhealthy relationship, the uncomfy 6-year age gap between Alastair and Charles

Masterlist | Read on AO3

"Alastair, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

Alastair looked up from what he was working on. He was in the library of the Institute, along with Cordelia, Thomas, James, Matthew, and Christopher. They were searching for any clue as to how Lucie had done what she’d done or what Tatiana and Belial were planning. Alastair wasn't entirely sure how he got roped into the ordeal, but it seemed as though Thomas suggested him as an extra set of eyes, and Cordelia latched onto the idea.

"No," he said curtly, returning to his reading.

"Excuse me?"

"I said no. I'm quite busy at the moment." Alastair spoke under his breath, not wanting to draw the others' attention. How many times had Charles barked the same words at him, swatting him away, hacking away at paperwork or planning his next step in his career? The words sat bittersweet in his chest.

"Surely you could spare a few moments."

"I certainly could. But I do not wish to." Charles had a way of getting into his head and twisting his words and his feelings. It was not an experience he wished to revisit. It was better here, with an audience. It had also been easier in the infirmary, knowing that he held all of the power. His father had made him feel the same way, he thought bitterly. He understood now that what he'd done at school was not only to protect himself from the bullies. He wanted to reclaim the power stolen from him by his father; he wanted for once in his life to hold power himself. He hadn't yet come to the realization that holding that kind of power did nothing but harm. It was of no use, anyways, because it didn't matter how much he perfected his tongue and his wit on the other students at the Academy, he was never able to use it when it counted. Not with Elias, and not with Charles.

"It's fine if you need to take a few minutes, Alastair,” Cordelia said gently. All of the eyes in the room had come to rest on the two of them. Now he wished he’d spoken louder.

“It’s alright, Charles was just leaving.”

He had hoped that Charles would give up and leave knowing that everyone was watching him, but he was determined. He grabbed Alastair’s arm. “It’ll just be-”

Alastair stood, but pulled his arm away. “Don’t touch me.”

In a flicker, Alastair saw it: the anxiety began to set in. Charles began to realize that he would not be able to play his usual tricks. “Why are you acting like this?”

“I believe I was quite clear when I told you I don’t wish to speak with you. You’re the one who can’t let this go.”

“Must you act so childish?”

He rolled his eyes. “Must you always call me childish for thinking for myself instead of catering to your every whim?”

“I don’t understand. You said we were fine.”

Alastair sighed. Perhaps for a moment, he thought that was true. For just a second, he thought there was a world where he and Charles could be friends. But Alastair had decided that he would no longer call people who hurt him his friends. “Yes, well, I lied. I wanted to let you down gently, but it’s clear to me now that it must be spelled out for you. How shall I put this? You and I are past our dancing days, Charles.”

“But-” He stammered, searching for words. “What happened with Grace Blackthorn wasn’t my fault.”

“Maybe not. But what of Miss Bridgestock? Am I to pretend that what happened with Miss Blackthorn was not the same as what happened two years earlier?”

“You told me many times that you took no issue with that, that you understood.”

“I understood what you told me, which we both know was never the full truth. I was a sixteen year old desperate for your affections, and the fact that you truly believe I never had any issue with your arrangement is proof that you never genuinely cared about me or listened to my thoughts. I told you in the infirmary that this wasn’t your fault because I thought it’d ease the pain, but I lied. And I don’t have time to sit here and watch you cry over it.”

Alastair wished that watching Charles become flustered would have been more enjoyable. Instead, all he wanted was for this to end. “You- you’re different than when we met. You’ve changed. You’re cruel and callous, I don’t understand how I could not see how heartless you were until now. You are everything that everyone claims you to be. How am I to even know what the truth is when it comes from your lips?”

There was a time when those words would have cut deeply into him, eating at his every insecurity, but Charles mistakenly assumed that Alastair was the same person he was last July, with the same insecurities. “When we met, I was fourteen years old. I’ve grown up, and it is time for you to do the same. It’s been six months, Charles. You need to stop writing me. If that makes me heartless, I don’t care. And if you wish to know the truth, the truth is that the moment you leave here, if I never see your face again, it still will not be long enough.”

Charles stared at him for a long while, unable to find a proper retort. In the end, it was Matthew who stepped in. “Charles, I believe it’s time for you to go.”

He obliged, finally turning to leave the library. As he began to walk away, however, Alastair knew that he was not finished. His heart beat a little bit faster at the thought of such a confession, and faster again when he realized who would hear it, but there was no piece of parting with Charles that he wished to regret.

“Wait,” he said. Charles froze and turned to look at him. “I know it’s unlikely that you have it in the cold depths of your soul to care, but let the record show that I would have given you everything. I would have given you my life, all of the love and trust that I had to give, and then I would have given more. And you gave me nothing. So the next time you’re pondering my heartlessness, you ought to wonder what that means for you.”

Finally satisfied, Alastair did not wait for Charles to turn and leave again to return to his seat and pick his reading back up. He waited for a moment, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of everyone’s eyes on him. He stood once more, opening his mouth to speak, but the words were caught in his throat. Instead, he walked out of the library in silence.

Finding the nearest balcony, he attempted to steady his breath.

“Are you alright?” He heard from behind him. Thomas. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

He shook his head. “I just needed some air.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

Alastair sighed. He backed up against the window and slid down to the floor of the balcony. “I know- I know that everyone sort of knew already, but… by the Angel, I feel so pathetic.”

“You’re not pathetic,” Thomas told him, sitting down beside him.

“You were right, of course you were. I was so… taken with him, back in Paris. I couldn’t see him for what he was. I was so naive, so foolish. I just- After everything I’ve seen, everything I’ve been through, how did I not realize-”

Thomas put his hand on Alastair’s knee. “You wanted to see the best in him. After everything you’d seen and been through, you wanted to believe that there were still good and honest people in the world. And there are. I’m sorry that he was not one of them, but that does not make you foolish or pathetic. It makes you… kind.”

“I bet you’d never imagined describing me as such before.”

“It seems you’re full of surprises,” Thomas teased. “But that’s not true. I always saw the kindness in you, even back at school, when you did everything to keep it hidden.”

“As you can see, my ‘kindness’ has never gotten me very far.”

“You were out of practice. Following me on my reckless nighttime patrols, that was kind. More than kind. I don’t think I ever thanked you for that, for risking your life to protect mine.”

“I didn’t do it for gratitude.”

“And yet I owe you mine nonetheless.”

“I can’t go back in there, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can tolerate you and your friends hating me just fine. But if any of your friends give me even an ounce of pity- well, we’ll see just where the limits of my kindness lie, won’t we?”

Thomas stood up, offering Alastair his hand. “Pity comes from those who cannot even begin to understand what you’ve experienced. For what it’s worth, I don’t think my friends will pity you. But if they do, you can ignore them. For Lucie.”

Alastair sighed and allowed Thomas to pull him to his feet. “Fine. Let’s get back to reading.”

“Speaking of reading, do you have the entirety of Shakespeare’s canon memorized, or only the lines you believe may pop up in conversation?”

“Excuse me?”

“‘For you and I are past our dancing days,’ it’s Romeo and Juliet, isn’t it? It’s the only one of his works that I got through.”

Alastair froze. “You haven’t read Hamlet?”

“I tried.”

“Othello? King Lear? Macbeth? Midsummer Night’s Dream?”

He shook his head.

“That’s impossible. And James is friends with you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Wait until my sister finds out you haven’t read Hamlet,” he warned, starting towards the library with urgency in his step.

“Wait, don’t- I just don’t like Shakespeare! What’s so wrong with that?” Thomas’ attempts at reasoning were futile, however, a welcome distraction from all of their recent sorrows finally taking hold.

Thanks for reading!! This was self indulgent af lol. I'm not to sure whether some people only wanted to be tagged in my social media AU, so if that's the case I'm sorry & please tell me!: @stxr-thxif @chaos-and-starlight @lifewouldbebetteronmars @littlx-songbxrd @dianasarrow @eugeniaslongsword @bookswitchcraftandcats @jamesherondaleofficial @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @livingformyself @anarmorofwords @foxglove-airmid @writeforjordelia @sapphic-in @thecodexsays @fortheloveofthecarstairs @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @shadowrunner2000 @thewarthatsavedmylife @fair-childd @icouldnotask @shadowhunting-hooligans @melanielocke @clarys-heosphoros @kiwichaeng @lightwoodsimp @thecrimsonsorceresss @theenchanteddreamer @adams-left-hand @yozinha-z @ipromiseiwillwrite @skirtsandsweaters @goodoldfashionednerd

[dral-koumine]

the Leviathan/Reader slow burn fluff shall not be denied [OM!] [snippet!]

fandom: Obey Me!

fanfic title: TBD

tags: gn!Reader & Leviathan (friendship, pre-romance), picnic, beach and ocean vibes, Reader and Levi calling each other nicknames, Devildom headcanons/worldbuilding, fluff fluff fluff.

This snippet refers to my earlier snippet from here: [link]

[rated G below] [WIP ZONE]

Once, not long after you two have actually become friends, he walks back out of the water onto the shore, and you’re there waiting for him on an officially licensed TSL blanket with his headphones and a picnic basket. (He’s a creature of habit, so he almost always enters and exits from the same little cove, which is usually deserted because it requires carefully hiking from the sandy beach over some big slick boulders that are submerged at high tide to get there. You got yourself some knee-high rain boots, checked the tide charts -- with 3 moons, Devildom tide patterns are fucking wild -- and made it work.) He’s so surprised to see you there that he almost falls right back into the water. “What!” he almost shouts. “H-H-Henry! What are you doing here?!” “Hi, Levia-chan,” you say cheerfully, putting down your tri-lunar physics textbook. “I noticed you skipped dinner to come down here, so I brought some food for you.”

“F-for me?” he stammers. “Yeah!” you say, and smile at him. “I figured we could have a little picnic, just you and me.” “Just -- just us two?” He blushes so hard you wouldn’t be surprised if the seawater started steaming off of him; his long, reptilian tail curls this way and that, carving arcs into the wet sand. “Is that okay?” you ask, sure that he’ll blurt out a reflexive protest before eventually circling around to yes that’s more than okay. “Yes!” he blurts, being direct about it for once, and you grin at him delightedly. He’s so cute. You pat the blanket next to you, and Leviathan comes over to sit half hesitantly, half eagerly; he sits and has to immediately get up again to wave the seawater off of him and his drenched clothes and hair before he soaks right through the Lord of Shadow’s face. Then he just stands there, frozen for a moment in painful awkwardness. “That’s a handy trick,” is all you say, lightly, as you start pulling boxes of food out of the picnic basket, and he unfreezes and sits down next to you with his knees pulled up to his chest and tail curled around his feet, and quietly starts eating the food you hand to him, all dishes you know he likes and which you made a point to save from Beel, no matter how much Beel made sad demon eyes at you. You’re pretty sure this is one of the main reasons why Levi likes you so much: you don’t mock him for being his very awkward self; you barely even tease him for it, except in those rare cases when you’re sure you can make it abundantly clear that you’re only doing it fondly. And why would you mock him for it? After all, you’re more than well acquainted with awkwardness yourself. You know how it feels. You lean back on your hands and stretch your legs out in front of you, sighing contently. The gentle roaring of the waves rushing up onto the sandy shore, the rough splashing of brine against the nearby boulders, the smell of the salty sea air, it all erodes away the cares of the day. Leviathan slowly relaxes, too, until he’s sitting with his legs crossed and holding his box of lion’s head meatballs over oleander and rice in his lap and sneaking glances at you in between taking slow bites of food. “What’s it like down there?” you ask. “In the ocean?” he says. “Yeah. You dive down really deep, don’t you?” “Yeah,” he replies, blushing again, as though that’s something to be awkward about; maybe it is, for him. “So what’s it like down there?” you ask. “It, uh…” He thinks about it for a moment; you imagine him trying to put words to something that he’s experienced for millennia, but probably has never had to describe, let alone to a human who knows little about the Devildom’s oceans. “It’s dark,” he finally says, “and quiet, and empty, except not really because there’s still plenty of fish and jellies and tiny krill and stuff in the deep, and there are giant venom-sponges living along the trench down there --” he waves a hand vaguely in the direction of the ocean “-- and they tend to make noises sometimes while they filter-feed and most of the deep-sea animals have bioluminescence anyway so I guess it’s not that dark either…” He trails off, seeming to realize how much he’s rambled and contradicted himself, but you’re sitting there grinning at him practically with stars in your eyes, because you love everything about the ocean, and Levi rambling on about sea creatures is just about the cutest thing ever. He sees you grinning and ducks his head bashfully. “I’m not good at explaining it,” he mumbles. “It’s like … it’s not technically totally dark and quiet and empty, but it feels like it is, you know? It feels like … when I’m down there, I don’t have to worry about anything at all.” He curls in on himself a little, drawing his knees up a bit, like he’s anticipating that you’ll mock him for some part of that, like he’s still not used to the fact that you make a point of being nice to him whenever he’s not being a jerk, because you actually like him.

“That sounds amazing,” you sigh, staying in that relaxed position of yours, like sending out relaxed vibes will help Levi to relax, too. “I wish I could go down there and experience it myself.” He looks up, uncurls a little. “I could show you?” he offers. You perk up. “Really? How?” He offers his hand, a rare moment of confidence, and you take it, smiling. But you have to say, “Uh, Levi. I’m a squishy, air-breathing human, remember? I can’t just swim down with you.” “Oh,” he says, and covers his embarrassed face with his free hand. “Oh hells, I’m such a stupid --” “Hey,” you say warningly, squeezing his hand, because you made it a rule last month that he’s not allowed to put himself down around you. You’d like to expand that rule to you’re not allowed to put yourself down, ever, but … one step at a time. “Uuurggghhh,” he groans, hiding his face in his knees, fully curled up again, alas. “I know, I know, the rule.” “Friends don’t let friends self-deprecate,” you singsong annoyingly, like you do every time you have to remind him, and it always makes him smile even if he hides it, because yeah, you’re his friend. His true friend. And he smiles into his knees, this time, face red with joy as much as with embarrassment, and squeezes your hand back without looking at you. “So, alternate solutions,” you say thoughtfully. “There are submarines in the Devildom, aren’t there?” His head pops up with sudden excitement. “There are!” he says excitedly, “Diavolo has one!” You grin at him. “So we’re stealing Diavolo’s submarine then,” you say, pretending to be serious about it, and he physically recoils, dramatically, but doesn’t let go of your hand. “No!” he protests, “no we’re not doing that, don’t even think about it, Lucifer would kill us!” “Aw, but it would be so much fun to take it out for a joyride!” you say gleefully. “Noooo it wouldn’t,” he insists, though he looks a little shifty-eyed about it. You cackle a little.

[seawitchkaraoke]

It's fascinating yeah and there's really two types of things here, there's certainty about yourself and certainty about the world.

And when it comes to yourself it's like... of course you know better than anyone else because you're the only one in your head. You're the one who knows how you feel and think, so you're the one who can take all that and say I am this or I am that - no one can really tell you they're wrong bc they're not in your head, what do they know? (though of course people still do insist they know sometimes)

But at the same time. No one can tell you you're wrong. It's both freeing and terrifying. If I'm wrong about some easily verifiable fact, anyone can look it up and correct me. If I'm wrong about an unverifiable fact like if there's a god or not, well there's no way to tell whether i'm actually wrong but at least you can discuss those questions with people on a basis where everyone operates with the same ground knowledge of hard facts (at least that's possible, of course people can also bring their own non verifiable experiences into that).

But when it comes to your own mind? The only way to figure out whether you're wrong is by figuring it out yourself. No one can tell you. Sure you can describe your feelings and thoughts but that can never fully bring across what you're actually experiencing. And you can't really compare either. I can express that I feel a certain way and you can say you feel that too but we might be talking about very different experiences and not even know it.

I am fairly confident in myself, I wouldn't say I constantly doubt my own identity but I wouldn't say I'm constantly 100% sure? Especially when I have to put words to it. I know I am me but which words i'd use to describe me changes constantly. Good thing is just for a lot of it it doesn't actually matter - if nonbinary feels right i'm nonbinary and if that changes i can just tell ppl different pronouns again it's fine. I don't have to fret about getting it 100% right - took me a long time to learn that.

World things are different. World stuff is even more fascinating. Because we all live in the same world and yet so many of us are so entirely certain about entirely conflicting things.

I have friends who are 100% certain that there is a God. They don't ''believe'' that there is a god, they know it. They'd have answers for the whole ''then why is there evil in the world'' thing, some of them more satisfying to me personally than others (i think ''god started the world and is now mostly letting humans do their thing'' is a lot more satisfying than ''there is a secret plan and reason for everything'') but that's not the point. They're sure of this. Absolutely 100% sure.

my thing is i'm always been good at understanding both sides of an argument even when i strongly agree with one side. Gotten better at it since I stopped being certain about most things. Like... I used to be such an annoying knowitall,kid me always thought I was the smartest person in the room. I was good at understanding all sides but sometimes I got blindsided by there being another side at all, by there being people who could not see this obvious truth I was seeing. They must all be stupid!

And then I realized I was wrong on some of those and others really didn't have an obvious right answer and now i'm rarely certain about big world related things. I have beliefs, don't get me wrong and of course there's some morality related stuff like, idk, bigotry bad, but even that's not just an inherent feeling of what's true but also logic.... idk how to explain it

There's people you'll argue some point with and they will make a statement that they obviously regard as 100% true and I'll be like, no wait, that's your belief, that's your personal morality that doesn't hold true for everyone and they'll say but it should, everyone should think this way and it's so clear to them? And sometimes they can't even fathom how ppl could disagree with them? And even when it's smth I agree with, even when I also think everyone should think that way, I'm still fascinated by the fact that they can't articulate why it's true just that it is, they just have this inherent feeling of it being true and so it must be

Now generally I think if it's smth you wanna argue with people about you need to know why exactly you're so sure bc otherwise you'll lose that argument quickly, but that's not the point, the point is how are they so sure in the first place? Like... kid me was sure about things bc I'd only been presented one side and found it convincing and then got surprised by there being people who apparently hadn't found them convincing. But other people are certain of things without even being able to articulate a reason for it without some thinking? Like... it's not a matter of them not having heard the arguments, it's a matter of them just having some inherent sense of what is correct and what is not and I do not get it at all.

I get it when it's just about you. No one can know better anyway, so whatever level of certainty you can get is just gonna have to be good enough. But when it comes to the world? I believe things. I'm even pretty sure of some things. But not on that level. Never on that leve.

I am constantly kinda bewildered and kind of jealous of people who are certain about things.

Certain about what? Anything really. Certain that there's a god. Certain that there isn't a god. Certain that they're a woman or a man or any of the specific labels under the enby umbrella. Certain that there's aliens. Certain that they used to be a dragon in another life and/or still are one now. Certain that they can look into someone's eyes and tell whether they're human or actually a dryad. Certain that they're in love. Certain that they're not.

Just. How are you so sure? How are you sure of things that there's no proof for? How are you sure about the world and how are you so sure of who you are?

[yesimwriting]

Falling Angels: chapter two

A/n took me longer to get around to writing part 2 than i thought!! i didn’t know there was an audience for this idea but im glad you guys liked it!!

Im adding a country to the grishaverse to make my story work,, def not a big deal i just needed a country in which i could control the history of without worrying about conflicting with cannon lol 

Link to part one: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/yesimwriting/652318577650696192 (lmk if this works ive never linked something to a tumblr post lol)

Series Summary: Y/n is a rising star in the most famous circus in Ketterdam because of her ability to see the future. Unfortunately for her, Kaz Brekker knows more of her backstory than he should, and he’s willing to use that to his advantage. The one thing he’s not betting on? That he doesn’t know her entire story

Chapter summary: Y/n gets a visitor before getting tricked into the most dangerous show of her life. 

Pairng: SOC x reader, Kaz Brekker x sunshine-y! Psychic! Reader 

--

My father seemed to love me more after two glasses of something amber. It was after these two glasses that he would tell me realities his inebriated self believed I needed to internalize. He’d pat my head affectionately and smiled at me as he told me that the world was a bad place. Most of his lessons are lost in my mind, but the one I remember most clearly is that there’s no such thing as a kept secret. There’s always a leak or a flaw or a factor you could not account for. He told me that if I wanted to keep a secret, I would have to decide what I was willing to risk for it. 

I know from Seria’s reaction to his presence that listening to Kaz is a risk, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take for my secret. “I don’t know what you think I am, but you’re mistaken.” It doesn’t really matter that he believes me. I have the paperwork I need to disprove him. “I have to get to my tent.” 

“The princess gets her own tent?” His words are saturated by mock casualness but I can feel his pride on how he delivered that line. 

My body is still tense from balancing over flames and his confidence only adds to my desire to unravel. I can’t get angry here. Not at him. Not with the way he grips that cane of his. “I don’t understand what--” 

“You may be able to play pretend here where no one wants to look twice at you, but I know what you are.” His stiffness leaves my skin prickling. “I know who you are.” 

I swallow back my panic. “Then who am I?” 

“You’re that king’s bastard--the one with a high bounty on her head.” Don’t back down. Even the smallest crack will confirm his story. “As long as she’s returned alive.” 

Thoughts of what my father would do to me if ever given the chance strike me with more anxiety than his presence does. “I’ve heard of the girl you’re talking about,” I admit, the lie leaving me as easily as the air leaves my lungs when I exhale. “But I’m not her.” 

“You’re not from Ketterdam, if you were you would have known who I was after you friend referred to me as Dirtyhands.” I have no defense, but I never claimed to be from Ketterdam. “You make your business claiming to be a psychic.” I am a psychic, but now is not the time to make that argument. “Elkosa is a relatively small and self efficient port kingdom, the island is nothing more than a jagged coastline barely larger than Ketterdam, but I have connections in all places.” He knows someone from Elkosa? I have to fight the instinct to move all of my weight on the balls of my feet, prepared to run. “A captain of the royal fleet told me the story of the night the King’s bastard ran into the meeting room the night before ten ships were meant to sail to Ravka.” 

He studies my reaction as I struggle to keep my expression blank. “None of that seems connected.” 

“Patience is a virtue most Saints are familiar with.” I roll my eyes. “The bastard couldn’t have been more than nine at the time, but the guards did not want to let her in. The King told them to let her interrupt. The sailor noted this because he had never made an exception to his meeting before. The girl described a nightmare to her father, a nightmare of a storm and ten dead birds. The king did not comfort her, she finished her story by saying that he asked to know about all of her dreams. She went back upstairs and the King continued the meeting as normal but the next day the King cancelled the trip.”

I remember that night as the night I realized that if I’m not careful, I’ll feel what I see in my visions. It felt like I was drowning. I felt the death of each of those men and instead of comforting me, my father nodded once like I had offered him advice and sent me back to my room. “And?” My defense is weak, my mind too lost in the memories of drowning. “Many smaller countries are superstitious.” 

“The next day the worst storm to have impacted that ocean occurred. For four nights and three days the storm continued.” 

I press my nails into my palms. “You don’t believe that I am precognitive, so that sailor’s unverified story has nothing to do with me.” 

“A princess that can see the future disappears at the same time a failing circus hires a girl who has no business in this city who claims to be able to see the future.” He adjusts his stance, taking pressure off the cane as if he’s preparing to need to use it for something else. “I am not fool enough to believe in coincidence.” 

“And I am not fool enough to crack beneath the vague threats of a man. In my experience, men always threaten with a blade when really all they’re in possession of is a butter knife. Try to drag me from here kicking and screaming, find a way to incapacitate me and put me on a ship to Elkosa, but when the King sees that you brought him a stranger he will have your head.” 

He blinks, expression hard as stone. I tense, preparing for a physical blow. “I didn’t expect you to be a half-decent liar, but I should have.” I bite my tongue to avoid resorting to something I can’t take back. Like begging. “Even if it’s in only half your blood.” 

“I am not her.” My stubbornness burns more than the need to survive. I inhale, hoping to shake the grasp of the sensation but it only worsens. The pinch of dread in my chest is heavy and familiar. A vision. 

No. Not now--not in front of him. I push against it even though I know that only makes it worse. Not now. Not now. I should be grounding myself but all I can think about is how stupid I am and how bad this situation is.

--

“I’m not an idiot, I know to be quiet. I see myself crouched somewhere dark. 

“Being defensive doesn’t make you any more intelligent.” It takes me a minute to recognize Kaz in the darkness. 

We’re somewhere small, our backs against the same wall but our shoulders do not touch. This vision is enshrouded by the feel of panic. 

This other me grimaces, but her eyes lack anger, “Remind me why I agreed to help you again?” 

“You never told me why,” he admits, “you can change your mind on participating and I can change my mind on whether or not you're more useful than your father’s money.”

Something loud crashes from behind the door we’re both staring at. “You’ll have no use for me or my father’s money if we die here.” I squeeze my hands together. 

He hesitates, “My ghost will.” 

The future-me almost smiles. “I wonder if I’ll be able to see ghost futures.” I hesitate, something strange behind my eyes. “I wonder if that can exist, if there’s a future beyond endings.” 

Future-Kaz is silent for a long second. “There should be,” he says, “for someone like you, at least.” 

I watch the way I take in his words. “You’d be there, too,” my voice is low, “your ghost at least.” I turn my head, staring at the door instead of him, “If you weren’t, I’d miss the brooding.” 

--

The vision leaves me with sweaty palms and swirling thoughts. All of my visions do that. Not all of them make me feel so confused. Apparently, he needs help and I agree to do so. At one point we’ll be pushed into a life or death situation and I won’t loathe him. 

I blink twice, forcing myself to hold onto the reality in front of me. I don’t have to agree--the future isn’t set in stone. For all I know tomorrow morning I’ll have a vision in which he kills me. 

“Are you ignoring me?” 

Shaking my head, I turn to face him. “You need help.” I don’t wait for his reaction. “You’re not here to return someone to the King of Elkosa, you’re here because you need someone that can see the future.” 

“I--” 

“It’s not that you won’t take me to Elkosa, it’s that you’d rather use my abilities for something.”

I’m confusing him again, but that’s okay. I’d rather deal with him confused than angry. “I need to know how a certain business deal of mine is going to be worth what it costs.”

He’s spent the entire time claiming he doesn’t believe in my power. Was that some kind of tactic? In the vision I saw, despite the panic surrounding the situation I didn’t feel panicked around him. The probability of that future occurring is probably low. I’ve been wrong before, the future changes too much for me to know everything. 

“That’s not how readings work,” I admit, “I don’t have that much control on them. Most of them come to me randomly. The events I see always involve me or someone I care about to a certain capacity. I can give someone a general glimpse into their future but I can’t promise I’ll see what they want. Sometimes I can see the general vision by just focusing on their energy but usually I need some physical contact for it to work.” That seems like a fair explanation. “Oh--and not all of my predictions come true, most are blurry, few are solid--the future is always moving.” 

Wait...the vision I saw where I was with Kaz wasn’t blurry. Those can be wrong, but it’s much rarer. Do I really agree to this? 

“Then maybe I should make it involve you.” His aggression has me forcing myself to stand my ground. He can threaten me all he wants but that won’t change things. “Or take the money your father would give me and cut my losses.” 

Every time I’ve purposefully destroyed a solid vision, something bad has happened. I’m genuinely considering it. “What do you need a psychic for, anyways?” 

“To get through the Fold.” 

Despite everything, I laugh. “I’ve never seen anyone get through the Fold, literally or in my visions.” 

He’s unphased by my doubt. “It’s happened.” 

I really don’t want to help him. “Well then good luck, I’m happy to part ways here.” 

I manage one step forward before he moves his cane in front of my path. I’m getting tired of this. “You’re assisting me one way or the other, whether that aid will be financial or through your services is up to you.” 

Anger pinches in my stomach the way it often does when I’m told what to do. The one thing centering me is the vision still reflecting in my thoughts. There’s no denying it--I had felt comfortable with him. There is a future in which I feel comfortable with him and I’m not sure I’ll be able to avoid it. 

“I won’t get in trouble for you,” I tell him, “The Ringmaster holds onto those indentured to him, especially the commodities that bring him profit.” 

There’s something stiff about his silence. I wonder if he’s always like this, pushing the weight of his presence onto those around him without saying a word. “When I have a goal, it is achieved. I’ll speak to him.” 

I cannot imagine a conversation I want to be involved in less. The Ringmaster and this man that Seria had labeled ‘Dirtyhands’. “I just had a vision--I saw your entire conversation and it ends with you missing an arm.” His stoic expression does not shift. “Okay, I’m aware that it wasn’t the funniest joke, but throw me a bone--you threatened to kidnap me and sell me to my father in order to extort me and I’ve been nothing but polite to you.” 

He’s quiet for a moment, something in his expression changing in a way I can’t read. “All you’ve done is lie since the moment you started to speak to me.” 

The optimist in me would like to think that his annoyance counts for banter. I shrug, feeling a little lighter than I did a second ago. I’m certainly not comfortable but I’m starting to see how to put up with the tension without letting it strain me. “Well, polite for my standards.” 

I let him brood. “You must have done well as a royal.” 

My past cuts through the peace I managed to grab onto. It’s not his fault, he has no way of knowing what the castle was like for me. I open my mouth, but I don’t know what I’m going to say. “I had my moments,” I finally settle on, hoping the echo of pain isn’t visible behind my eyes. 

I guess it doesn’t matter if he sees me bleed. He’s heartless, and I hate sympathy. 

“Y/n,” Seria’s voice is genuine anger, “You’ve turned into an idiot--first the tightrope walk and now entertaining whatever deal he’s trying to coax from you.” I love Seria, she’s the reason I didn’t die in the street when I first arrived in Ketterdam, but she sees me as a mindless child. “Whatever he told you, whatever he promised you--it’s a lie.” 

“He hasn’t promised me anything.” I need to calm her down. Once she’s calm, everything will be normal again. “And he knows.” I don’t have to turn to feel the way Seria gapes at me. “He knows who I am, so I have to do what he wants.” 

“You never have to do anything a man is forcing onto you, y/n. We’ll find a way--” 

“Seria, it’s fine,” I reach to touch her arm, “I’ll be fine, you can’t protect me from everything and you don’t have to.” 

Kaz throws a pointed glare at the man who was with him earlier. When did the stranger get here? “Boss, she’s faster than she looked, but I have what we need to get the girl--” 

“You’re late,” Kaz sighs, bored, “she’s agreed.” 

Wait--what was he going to do if I didn’t agree? “Out of curiosity, what are you talking about?” The man blinks twice, squeezing a rag between his ring-clad fingers. “You were going to use chloroform to kidnap me, weren’t you?” 

For some reason I don’t understand, the stranger gives me a look that’s a cross between sheepish and charming. “Nothing personal.” 

“Or original.” 

Seria pinches my arm. “Y/n,” she scolds, “your sense of humor is going to kill me one of these days.” 

I cringe, pulling my arm away. “When I met you, you were pickpocketing in the pleasure district, please remember that.” 

She rolls her eyes. “An attitude like that is going to leave you without a place to sleep at night.” 

I take her comment for the empty threat it is. Every other day she’s threatening to kick me out of her private trailer so that I’m forced to fight for cots or speak to the Ringmaster about my lodging arrangements. He’d give me what I want, but speaking to him feels so slimy I’d sleep in the woods before trying it. 

“Kaz.” I turn my head in time to see the girl that gave me the advice about the tightrope walker. “We need to go, he’s coming soon--you’ll do better to speak to him in the morning after she’s gone, that way he has nothing to hold over your head.” 

“Once I’m gone?” The girl had called me a Saint. I can appeal to her. “I’m not--I’m not going anywhere, I said I’d help.” 

Her eyes widen, sympathy reflected clearly in her dark irises. “There was never a version of this in which you ended up staying here.” I hear a hint of apology in her voice. “You won’t believe me, but I promise this will be better for you.” All of her pity is gone with those, replaced by something hard.

Seria responds for me, “I think you should go.” 

“What?” 

She almost smiles, but her eyes are painfully sad. “I never wanted you to be here forever. I don’t trust these people, but I trust their ability to get you out of here, even if only for a little while. Bad things are coming, and I think you’ll miss the worst of it if you go now.” 

What she alludes to is a blade in my heart. “You want me to leave you here to deal with it?” 

“Y/n, I’ve been hurt here more times than I can count--”

“No, I won’t leave y--” 

Seria squeezes my shoulder, “It’s not forever.” When she wants something, it’s almost impossible to get around it. “Besides, if I need you, you’ll see it.” 

My world feels to have lost the vibrance of color. I’ve left so much, but I let myself believe I wouldn’t leave her. I pull her into the hug. “The moment I see a vision of you in any type of danger, I’m coming back.” I hug her even tighter when she tries to pull away so that I can whisper something in her ear, “I’ll use this opportunity to leave the Ringmaster and then I’ll get you out, and together we’ll leave Ketterdam. We’ll find your child, like you always wanted to and they’ll know that they're lucky because they’re the only kid in the world to have you as a mother.” 

She squeezes me so tightly I find it hard to take full breaths. “Two,” Seria whispers, “I have two children.”

My eyes burn as her words find their way into my heart. “I love you, Seria.” 

“I love you too, my star,” she pulls away enough so that I can look her in the eye, “you don’t like being called a Saint, but I can’t think of anyone more deserving of the title.” 

Tears prick my eyes as she releases me. “I’ll find you.” 

“He’ll be coming soon,” the girl warns, “He spoke to an advisor about wanting to find you after the show.” 

No doubt to praise the fire stunt he forced onto me. Bastard. I nod once but I don’t move. I can’t bring myself to leave Seria until the girl places a hand on my elbow. 

--

Falling Angels Taglist: @glowstick-lesbian @cashlum @whatiswrongwithpeople @pass-me-jeez-it @thecraziestcrayon

[potteresque-ire]

Hiya! I've only just started watching Chinese dramas and the drama behind the drama is already blowing my Western mind. Thanks for your meta btw! I was thinking about what you said about Chinese government not explicitly banning anything, rather people had BETTER catch on to what they mean 😨 Is it possible that delaying OOL is their way of warning future productions to think twice before involving Xiao Zhan, because they want to undermine his popularity? As he is 'too entertaining' 💀

Hiya Anon!! The decision to air a c-drama lies in both the government and the platforms. Once the drama gets the distribution permit from the National Radio and Television Administration (NRTA), it's up to the platforms to schedule the airing date.

The distribution permit for OOL was issued in May 2020, and so the government cleared it for airing a while ago. And so, it is the platforms that are holding the airing date back.

Multiple considerations go into the decision of when to air any drama. Here are some financial considerations I can think of: are there fierce competitors in the same period? It's usual for multiple c-dramas to begin airing on similar dates. The week between 2019/06/23 and 2019/06/30, for example, 9 series began airing—including The Untamed on 2019/06/27. And on that very same date, another prominent, very well-made drama also began its airing—The Longest Day in Chang'An 長安十二時辰). 

And then, has a popular drama of a similar genre been aired right before? If so, it may be wise to push back the airing date a little. Is it exam period or is it summer, with students being on vacation and having more free time to watch TV, chase after their favourite idols and buy merchandises? That’s the golden season for idol dramas! Are the production studios, platforms under pressure to produce a solid profit report to their investors? Better move a series with very bankable stars then ...

Afterwards, there are, of course, political considerations. For those who may be worried about c-ent’s current upheaval, I’d like to emphasise this: the government swooping in and say, or hint, that this and that popular thing displeases its Socialist sensibilities isn’t new. Dangai isn’t the first genre to be soft-banned, for example; before that, there was the ... Imperial Harem infighting genre 宮鬥劇 (sorry for the silly translation, I don’t know what’s the proper name for it!), which was extremely popular at the time of the ban with recent hits such as The Legend of Zhen Huan 後宮甄嬛傳 and Story of Yanxi Palace 延禧攻略. There was the time travel genre 穿越劇 (For example, Scarlet Heart 步步驚心). The state criticism against “sissy” 娘炮 idols also made its former round in 2018. 

And so, while there may not have been precedences where the government targets c-ent’s obsession with “traffic” 流量—a relatively new term that describes the heavy flow of social media posts, of buzz and cash surrounding a beloved something or someone, c-ent has a long history of, and ample experiences with, dealing with their government’s displeasure at something that its audience loves, that is financially lucrative for the industry and most importantly, along that line, something the industry wishes to keep. 

The last point may be worth emphasising: the production studios, the platforms (streaming, social media etc), the marketing companies, the yxh, the companies who employ celebrities as their spokespeople etc etc, all of them desperately want to keep stars like Gg and Dd around. This is especially true with c-ent being in its “bitter cold winter” financially since 2018, with the tightening censorship that means hit dramas, and "top traffic” 頂流 stars, are increasingly more difficult to make or come by. “Top traffic” stars, in particular, are very attractive to the industry because their fans are (far) more willing to spend money, generate the needed buzz on social media to bring in more “passer-by” audience and in turn, more revenue, and more investment, and more endorsements and sponsorships (see: the number of Dd commercials in SDOC4). 

Therefore, as fans and audience, I think it’s safe to assume this: at least on the front of wishing to protect Gg and Dd’s star status, to protect potentially popular dramas and genres such as OOL, these financial interests stand with us. Does this “saving” go against what is safe for these companies? One can say so. It would be safer for the platforms, for example, to air ... um, say, The Best Speeches by President Xi in place of dramas like OOL. The act would likely please the government very much; signal, perhaps, that the platforms have caught on its ultimate dream, with Xi being the One Idol of China. But this decision would also go against the very nature of these companies as for-profit entities, these Capitalist Existence that are traded in stock markets and are driven to make as much money and as quickly as they can.

What, then, is the easiest way to protect traffic stars like Gg and Dd, like Yang Zi 楊紫, the lead actress of OOL who is also very popular and who, reportedly, also has her own rather ... rambunctious corner of fandom? What’s the easiest way to “save” a potentially popular drama like OOL? Saying what is *the* easiest way may be difficult, but I believe I can name one easy way: to simply keep these popular people, these (potentially) popular things out of attention for a while, especially with October 1st (Communist China’s birthday) drawing near and in 2021, the year of the Chinese Communist Party’s Centennial. 

After all, regulations from the Chinese government tend to come in bursts—axes falling left, right and centre for a while and in quick succession, followed by an extended period of silence (and neglect). The wait, therefore, doesn’t have to be long at all. As short as after a few month’s time, certain parts of c-ent may return to what it was like before and these c-ent companies, having had so much experience in working around situations like this, would know when that time comes, when the coast is clear.

Meanwhile, as fans, we wait. Being in i-fandom means our words and actions have relatively little effect, but if we were in China, our best action would, too, likely be similar to the platforms that delay the airing of OOL, except we cross out the the word “popular” and replace it with “beloved”: we keep our beloved people, our beloved things out of attention. We refrain from going around and complaining, no matter how much we wish to watch the show. We refrain from starting fights. We stay out of hot searches. The Chinese government is bureaucratic and corruption is rampant, which means often times, the higher-ups in charge of dropping the axes have little knowledge about who or what their axes are supposed to fall on, and little care if they get it wrong. In such circumstances, the key to survival is to not stick one’s head out; to make sure we don’t offer our neck, and more importantly, our favourite stars’ neck, for the axes to fall on.

It may be difficult sometimes. We’ll hear hisses, from antis, from doubters, from those who simply aren’t familiar with the situation, that will tempt us to put ourselves and our favourite stars out in the open where the axes are raining. Patience and independent thinking are important in times like this, qualities that allows us to stop, excuse ourselves from the virtual crowd and think ~ wait, is what is being said true? 

The government’s attack on “traffic”, for example, together with the soft-ban on Dangai, have led to soft hisses that Gg and Dd are the targets. 

I invite everyone to step back and think a little—are they?

Here’s one small, but important point that may be lost in translation (and lost, too, even in some Chinese discussions where netizens have scrolled through their feeds too quickly): in the state opinion pieces, the term used against “traffic” stars has consistently been “唯流量”, with 流量 = traffic, and 唯 = only. The presence of the character 唯 is crucial: 唯流量 are not simply “traffic”, or popular stars; they are stars with only traffic, with nothing but traffic. No acting skills, no singing or dancing skills, no other demonstrated capabilities beyond getting their fans to vote and comment and buy things for them.

Are Gg and Dd 唯流量?

Here’s Gg:

(For those who may not know: A Dream Like A Dream 如夢之夢 is not just a Chinese language play. A Chinese adjective that has been used to describe it is 殿堂級 ~ “palace hall grade”, ie, it’s a royalty. Trivia: the version in China ends with a cappella with Patient #5 singing about himself, which means Patient #5 can ruin the finale of the 8 hour show if he fails to sing well, and beautifully.)

And here’s Dd: 

I think I can rest my case. My fellow turtles, what do you think? 

Such rumours—that so and so, this and that are the alleged targets—are currently running rampant on Chinese social media, with almost every noteworthy celebrity and media projects etc being named by a few who dislike them. However—or rather, ironically, one may say?—because everyone and everything under the sun has been named, the net effect is not that different from if nothing has been named at all. 

If a similar rumour, if more of such rumours creep onto the shores of i-fandom, therefore, please do not be afraid and remember—these speculations, these noises will most likely fade into obscurity unless the populous Gg+Dd fandom amplify it with their voices, even if theses voices are words of defence.

Silence can be a defence. Silence can be the best defence.

For the time being, with the greater sociopolitical environment being what it is, with “Capital” being reportedly targeted by the state (previously discussed here), platforms and TV stations that are part of Capital may be extra careful and temporarily keep all traffic stars out of their productions, out of sight.

But I remind myself this ~ this isn’t about Gg and Dd. This probably isn’t about 99.9% of the stars who may be temporarily kept out of these productions in the coming weeks, some of whom may have starred in Dangai. As a corollary, I find it important to remind myself that too, to think twice before wondering aloud who may be the targets, to make sure I do not, even accidentally, put any non Gg Dd star and their fans under the axes—not because my words can influence the Chinese government, but rather, because of a simple, almost cliché reason: Do not do unto others what you do not want others do unto you.   

After all, one step outside fandom, people cannot tell one idol from another, cannot tell one drama from another, cannot tell cpfs from solos ...

As fans of c-ent, we’re in this together. ❤️💛💚

[nonbinary-alien25]

was tagged in this post by @puppetavasharpe to try my hand at writing some avalance wedding vows for fun, so,, let's do it! we'll see how this goes lmao

Vows

"Ava," Sara started, voice filled to the brim with love and eyes shining with adoration, "My life has been one giant rollercoaster of ups and downs and highs and lows. I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of, and I've been through more than any one person probably should in a lifetime... or a few lifetimes, I guess."

Their friends and family chuckled at the joke, and Sara smiled, letting out a watery laugh and taking Ava's hand in her own before continuing.

"I am the sum of every decision I've ever made. A lot of them were questionable at the time, or even incredibly bad, but they all brought me here, to this wonderful group of misfits that I'm lucky enough to call my family, and even more importantly, they brought me here to you." Sara paused, taking a deep breath and squeezing Ava's hand gently. "Ava, you are, by far, the best decision I've ever made in my entire life. When I first met you, I knew you were going to be special. I didn't know how, and honestly you were too much of a pain in my ass for me to think about it, but I knew."

Everyone chuckled again, and Ava let out a laugh this time, shaking her head amusedly.

"What I didn't know at the time was just how important to me you would become. I said this to you when I proposed, but in case it didn't quite sink in then: you, Ava, are my North Star. You are my guiding light. You're my home, my safe place, the person I run to. I didn't know back then that you would make me happier than I've ever been in my life, and I didn't know that you would help me find a light inside myself that I thought I'd lost forever."

A lone tear slipped down her cheek, and she smiled as Ava brought a hand up to wipe it gently away.

"Before I died, I didn't believe something like this was ever in the cards for me. I didn't think I could ever deserve it after everything I'd done. After I was brought back, I still didn't think I would ever be able to have this, because I was trying to pick up all the pieces from my death, and I didn't experience much in terms of feelings. But then... you came along."

Sara smiled up at her fiancée (very soon to be wife, she thought, unable to hide how giddy she was), stepping closer just slightly.

"You... are everything. Safety and comfort and warmth and home. Ava, you are my heart, and I love you so much more than I ever thought was possible. Your eyes are my favorite color, your voice is my favorite sound; your scent is my favorite smell, and your arms are my favorite place to be. Everything that you are, I love it all. Whenever I'm with you, and wherever you are, I'm home. I'll always be home as long as I have you."

Ava smiled, bright and beautiful, her eyes shining with love and unshed tears. Sara smiled back, wanting nothing more in that moment than to kiss Ava, to hold on tight and never let go.

"I could go on and on forever about how much you mean to me and how much I love you, but for the sake of time, I'll quit now before I get too sappy, and instead promise that I will do everything I can, every single day, to show you how important you are to me. And thank you, Ava, for taking a chance on me. Because I know sometimes it isn't easy, but I hope to be worth it. I love you more than anything, babe, I really do."

Sara took a deep breath, wiping at her eyes and letting out a watery laugh.

"Wow, uh, I don't really know how I'm gonna top that— don't even think about making a joke, babe, our friends and family don't need to hear about our sex life," Ava said, smiling as rubbed her thumb over the back of Sara's hand, "And before I say anything else, you are so worth it, Sara. You always have been and you always will be."

Sara sniffled, wiping at her eyes again. Thank Beebo for waterproof makeup.

"If someone had told me years ago that this is where my life ends up, I would've laughed in their face and told them they were crazy." Ava shook her head, looking lovingly at Sara, and then all around at their friends and family. "But now I can't imagine my life any other way. I'm happiest with you, flying through time and screwing things up for the better."

Everyone laughed loudly at that, and someone, probably Spooner or Astra, muttered yeah, that's accurate, under their breath.

"I'm not always great with words, and I don't always know the right things to say, but I do know this: I want to always be the person you run to, for anything; no matter how big or small, or whether it's happy or sad. I always want to be the person who's there with you through it all. We're co-captains forever and ever, baby, I can promise you that."

Ava smiled, bringing her hand up to cup Sara's face, rubbing her thumb gently over her cheek.

"I told you once that neither of us needs anybody. That's still true. You don't need me, and I don't need you, but you will always be the person I want more than anything. You have always made me feel things in depths that I was never meant to, and in depths that I didn't think were possible. I love you so, so much Sara, more than words could ever hope to describe."

Ava paused, taking a moment to bask in the feelings and the love and the joy of their wedding day, to drink in every detail of Sara's face, committing it to memory in hopes that she'll never forget this moment.

"With you, I found family, something that I had never really had before. That's just one of the many things I love about you: you take in those who don't belong, who don't have anyone, much less a family, and you make it your mission to give them a place to go, somewhere to call home, and people who love and accept them no matter what. You did that for me, and you've done it for countless others too."

Tears flowed freely down both of their cheeks (they had been for a while, but neither of them were paying attention to that, too wrapped up in the moment and each other to care).

"It amazes me how sometimes you still can't see just how wonderful you are. Your kindness, your humanity, your strength... I admire all of that and so much more. And I know you struggle to believe it sometimes, and honestly I wish I could give you the power to see yourself through my eyes, but you are so, so good. You're not only one of the best people I've ever known, but you are also without a doubt the strongest. I need you to know that I am so incredibly proud of you, Sara. I always am. And like you, I could go on and on, but just know this: I love you more than you could ever possibly know, baby, and I will spend every single day trying to show you just how much, even though I'm pretty sure it's impossible because I swear, I just fall more in love with you every day."

Sara let out a watery laugh, and Ava swore it was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever heard.

As soon as their rings had been exchanged, Sara stepped closer, snaking her arms around Ava's neck, face adorned with the widest smile Ava had ever seen on her. Sara looked up at her through eyes filled with tears, and there hadn't ever been a moment where they wanted to kiss each other more than they did then.

"I now pronounce you wife and wife. Brides, you may kiss."

Ava pulled Sara impossibly closer as their lips met each other's in a passionate, loving kiss, both of them trying to pour everything into it that they hadn't been able to say in their vows. Their friends and family cheered all around them, and as they pulled back briefly, smiling brightly at each other, they both thought to themselves, This is the happiest I've ever been. Forever starts today.

Extra Bonus Thing (because I made myself emo about it earlier and just remembered it)

okay so originally for this extra bonus thing, I was gonna write a little drabble about a Sara & Quentin father-daughter dance, but I don't have the energy for that right now (and also I made myself emo enough with the vows lmfao)

so instead, i will present you with the song I was going to use as inspo to write it (and also a few songs that I think would be lovely for sara and ava to dance to at their wedding)

Sara & Quentin's Father-Daughter Dance

imagine sara and quentin dancing to I Loved Her First ~ Heartland ,,, i just think it would be a good song for them to dance to :)

Sara & Ava's Dances

okay there's a couple different songs i think would be really cute for them to dance to.

first one I thought of is Forever Starts Today ~ Tim Halperin , which was the inspo for the last line of the vows ficlet.

second one I thought of was Never Stop (Wedding Version) ~ Safetysuit because I just think it's an awesome song and I feel like it just,,, Fits

third (and last) one I thought of was Second Star to the Right ~ The Devil Music Co. because it is Absolutely a very fitting avalance song

[tedturneriscrazy]

Another Saturday, another episode! Let's take a look at Keeping Up A-fear-ances!

(Good lord I'm starting to make myself sound like some sort of content creator)

Oh, okay, we're just starting at that level of intensity, huh?

Chest gem origins

Gwendolyn not being satisfied with managing the curse and determined to cure it? I'm sure this won't be a real world allegory in the slightest.

Oh, so Eda literally just stumbles upon the portal? I could call that contrived, but honestly it's not dissimilar to how Dipper found Journal 3. For that matter, the entirety of Lord of the Rings is predicated on an accidental discovery like this and nobody gave Tolkien shit about it.

Was the eye on the portal cracked in previous episodes? I don't remember.

Seems like Gwen is the "well-meaning but ultimately misguided" flavor of mom.

As an aside, I am now quite curious about how Eda's first trip to the human realm went. Maybe a future episode will cover it? At any rate, I smell a new favorite fic prompt.

The screaming alarms in the Demon Realm will never not be funny to me.

Also, that is a worrying number of hearts. Eda is straight up murdering these poor creatures.

For some reason the gold fang being removable never occurred to me as a possibility, and now I feel like a kid who's discovered that Santa isn't real.

Oh hey, the new outfit! I'm also impressed how close to symmetrical that tearing was.

I need to get a screencap of Luz sleeping on that stack of books because she is adorable.

Also, staying up all night researching? This season seems determined to completely eradicate the notion of Luz being dumb, and I am here for it.

I have a feeling the Hexside mug will be making its way to The Mystery Shack in the near future.

Lilith's first experience with transformation and she seems understandably horrified.

The curse acting stronger when stressed? That seems...important.

Ah, so the dismemberment is from the curse! A surprisingly useful side effect from what we've seen so far.

Can I just say that I appreciate how Eda's reaction to Lilith's first taste of transformation is immediate remedy, explanation, and reassurance? And doesn't make any snarky comments along the lines of "now you know what it's like?" Whatever happened in that week and a half must have been cathartic as hell.

"Always. Always curious." Luz is the TOH fandom.

(Also, Eda, you know she is, considering how much she went on about your "mysterious past" at the Covention)

"Magic bird tornado?!" Luz has a way with words that's just *chef's kiss*.

"Gwendolyn." Eda is already just fucking done.

"MOM?!?!" Jeez, Lilith, you're just now hearing all this?

I was charmed by how motherly Gwen was acting toward Eda, but then she kinda just...dismissed Lilith, and now I'm somehwat less charmed.

(Sweet flea as a term of endearment is kinda cute, though might have some unfortunate implications depending on how you want to interpret it)

"Who knows what they put in those nasty concoctions?" OH WE GOING FOR THE ANTI-VAXXERS NOW YESSSS

Luz and Lilith's reaction to that whole exchange is priceless.

Everyone's perspective here makes perfect sense for who they are and what they've been through.

Poor Lilith. Her cursing Eda is beginning to make more sense.

Ah, thus begins the collaboration.

"We'll be consulting someone very special." Why does that seem so...ominous?

Is there anyone who watched this episode for the first time whose bullshit detector didn't go off immediately when Gwen mentioned finding someone who promised a cure?

Heh, Palm Stings.

Nonbelievers will be blinded by the power of the tome? I'm sure they will be, Wartlop.

I must say, as something of a scientist myself (okay that's not true, I'm a QA tech for a food manufacturer, but I do have a chemistry degree), I am 100% here for the swings being taken at faith healing/"miracle" cures/anti-vaxxers in this episode

Oh, we Wile E. Coyote now, huh?

Also, interesting how much apple blood is being played up in this episode.

Lilith please you're projecting your mommy issues on a literal child

OH WE REALLY JUST WILE E. COYOTE HUH?

You're right, Luz, Gwen's bicep game is goals.

(Somewhat disappointed the scars are from questing and not beastkeeping, but eh)

Why do I get the feeling there's gonna be a future episode where everybody stages an intervention for Eda's apple blood problem?

"Those feathers mean we're driving the beast out" Gwen no

Hooty is holding the brain cell? Oh no...

If that ice cream came from the Night Market it would explain why Lilith sounds drunk.

(Side note: I can't be the only one getting flashbacks to Mermista's ice cream binge, right? Different context, but still)

"Abomi-berry" "Franken fruit" "Key slime pie" These are A+ flavor names.

Oh, there's the transformation...

I must say that whole segment kinda rubbed me the wrong way. The way King's opinion on his dad was changed seemed...I don't know how to describe it. I get that they needed a trigger for Lilith's transformation, but honestly if any part of the episode is contrived it's this.

"¡It really is that good!" So that's what an accent slip in written form looks like. (The upside down exclamation point is used in Spanish, in case anyone didn't know)

I keep half expecting Eda to say "Beep! Beep!" at this point.

Luz is finally asking questions. Took long enough.

Ah, the classic "moving the goal posts to extract more money from a desparate family member" technique.

Luz channeling Scorpion, we love to see it.

There is an exquisite irony in Eda's mom being scammed, I must say.

Ah, so that's where the elixirs went. Dammit, Gwen.

Luz is definitely thinking "Are you fucking kidding me right now?!"

Beast!Lilith is massive.

"Sweet flea?" Gwen just realized she done goofed.

"I can see you still need a little time." God Luz is so fucking smart.

The con revealed.

OH DAMN SCARY MAMA

(Also I am terrified of bees/wasps, so extra scary mama in my book)

The scam is revealed, goblins, getting back into the Wartlop disguise is kinda pointless.

She joined the Beast Keeping coven entirely to cure the curse? That's dedication. A shame you couldn't have spared some of that for Lilith.

Still, I do like badass scary mama Gwen. I'd be down to see more of that.

Owl Beast fight!

I am slayed by the fact that the portraits are now officially a recurring gag 😂

Aw, here's The Moment™️

"My turn to drive" Does this imply cars are a thing on the Boiling Isles after all?

Lilith crying almost immediately💔 She was holding onto a lot of pain.

Yes, King, she was trying to do her best. I mean, road to hell or whatever, but at least Gwen got there in the end.

WHAT?! YOU'RE BREAKING UP LULU AND HOOTCIFER?!?!?!?

Terrace, that's just cruel. (Worthless brownie points for whoever understands that reference)

No, seriously, you can't just give me my favorite inter-character relationship in the series after Lumity and just...take it away like that, come on! 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I know I should remark on how Lilith told Gwen about the circumstances of the curse, how Gwen rightfully accepted responsibility for the whole situation, and how Luz finds the big hair aspirational, but...NOOOO DON'T END THE ADVENTURES OF LULU AND HOOTCIFER WHYYYYYYYYY💔😭💔😭💔😭

"BUT I CAN'T HOLD A PEN!"

I will never emotionally recover from this.

Okay, I think I got that out of my system. Anyway...

Not the only human, huh? Cue the "Belos is a human" theorists going into maximum overdrive.

That said, a tantalizing lore dump.

We certainly do have a lot of garbage. Some of it even holds office. HEY-O!

Setting up the next episode, too. Continuity!

Camp's over, huh? That means it's been three months.

Way to misdirect with Camila, guys. That said, we have now seen Camila cry and I HATE it. (In the right way, I think)

WHAT THE FUCK

HOLY SHIT

CREEPY LUZ IS REAL WHAT

OWJEIWHQGIWWOPQ

(It's hard to keysmash on a phone, even with autocorrect off)

That wraps it up! The flaws in this episode seem more pronounced than any others in the season so far, but the good stuff was really good! Overall a solid episode! I know everybody's looking forward to library Lumity in the next one (so am I), but I'm personally eager to see what they do with Gus. His part is the A plot, after all.

Anyway, I'll be back at this next week! Still hard to believe this is a thing, but that's life, I guess.

[applejuizz]

laughter of youth.

the scout regiment has managed to rescue eren and recover annie’s crystal from their enemies, yet at the cost of many soldiers’ lives. levi learns a valuable lesson of trust. characters: levi ackerman x gn! reader (platonic!), historia reiss, sasha braus, jean kirstein, mikasa ackerman, eren jaeger, connie springer warnings: canon violence (vague descriptions), mentions of blood/wounds word count: 1.764 inspired by attack on titan 2: final battle and the story of “our man”, the customizable in-game character.

Paperwork after paperwork after all the paperwork...

Levi had come to dread the sound of hasty footsteps pacing up to his wooden office door and its prolonged creak as Miss Four Eyes allowed themselves in carrying yet another pile of experiment reports, barely containing their unreasonable excitement. While they fervently sought the tiniest free space to fit the monstrosity held in their arms, their flow of Titan anatomy ramblings never ceased.

Levi, you won’t believe what Eren managed to do today...!

Victor - who the hell is Victor? - stood awake the whole night and was as energetic as ever in the morning! This new breed of Titans is quite interesting!

I keep naming these Titans and I won’t shut up already and I should slap myself before you kick me across the fields, Levi! - he couldn’t possibly describe the joy these words would bring him coming out of Hange’s mouth. Too good to be true, unfortunately.

He shifted into his chair, straightening his back and shaking off the annoyance that had been constantly pulling on his nerves for three days already.

Thankfully, his office was quiet and the hallway was blissfully empty. Hange had taken a day off from experiments to let Eren rest. On that note, Jean and Eren had stopped arguing for once, Sasha had ceased her relentless search of meat and he could finally relish in the silence surrounding him. It wasn’t often that he got to have such quiet moments to himself.

And because they were so rare, only when he got the chance to savor them did he realize how much he actually hated them.

It wasn’t that he disliked being alone - on the contrary, he loved solitude a little too much for his own good. Instead, he found that whenever he allowed his mind to rest, he was assaulted by intrusive thoughts and memories that he’d rather bury deep in the back of his consciousness. Perks of being a soldier.

His eyes took in rows and columns of observations on the papers in front of him. His hand signed each and every one of them away promptly, yet his mind was drifting, conjuring up crimson fields, disgusting Titan flesh sliced in half, the blood-curdling screams of soldiers trampled off their horses or chewed to their demise. Nothing he wasn’t used to. However, that didn’t mean it didn’t make his skin crawl sometimes.

He thought back to commander Erwin, weak and thinning, laying in a hospital bed with only an arm left. Levi knew his superior was a strong man; he didn’t worry much about his recovery. What did plant the seed of doubt in his heart was the fact that somehow, the man he’d thought nearly invincible had been so badly wounded, and that alone was a strong indicator of the deep shit they all were in.

And of course, the one member in his squad that had never returned from the battlefield hung dark and heavy over his consciousness, a shadow of guilt, the same damn story repeating itself over and over again. No matter how much he tried to avoid it, it came crawling back like an awful nightmare, looming over him along with the deaths of all the other people he has trusted and cared for. Isabel and Farlan, Petra, Eld, Günther, Oruo… and now them too.

I won’t die on you, sir!

Like hell you won’t.

Their promise rang in his ears as if trying to mock him. The shadows of his consciousness sneered at him: look what happens when you decide to trust people, you twerp. Should’ve known better. Haven’t you learned your lesson?

“Tsk.” He set the cup he’d mindlessly lifted back on his desk. The tea had gone cold. He’d have to ask someone to brew him another. Not exactly pleasant, but enough to distract him from the dark path his thoughts had gone onto.

Before he could even stand up from his chair, though, loud voices boomed from downstairs through the whole hideout and caused the floor beneath his feet to vibrate. They were followed by clattering of pots and Jaeger’s unmistakable yelling, obnoxious and over dramatic as always.

So much for his quiet moment.

With an exasperated sigh, Levi picked up his cup again and left his desk and the piles of papers behind, shaking off the last of his melancholy. These damn brats can’t get anything done without wrecking havoc first…

The kitchen was right beneath his office, so all he had to do was climb down the short flight of stairs, put the cadets back in their place, ask horseface to brew him some more tea and go back upstairs. Simple enough.

He came to the sight of Eren, Jean, Mikasa, Armin, Sasha and Connie all hunched around in a compact group, chattering loudly and all over each other. Historia’s dulcet tone surprisingly prevailed amongst deeper voices, although she was nowhere to be seen.

“Wait! You need bandages before anything else! The gash in your side isn’t looking good…”

“Yeah! You’ve literally been through hell and back!” Jean marvelled.

“No, guys! They need food!” Sasha exclaimed as if she'd made a grand discovery, grabbing a half-boiled potato straight out of the pot.

“Sasha, no! The potatoes aren’t done yet-”

“Oi, what the hell is going on here?!”

“C-Captain Levi!” Jaeger stumbled back on his feet, broom in his hands, his headscarf sitting askew on his head. The huddle immediately dispersed, everyone had gone dead silent. Levi scanned the room quickly, not paying much attention to the soldiers’ faces and rolled his eyes.

“I thought I told you to clean up the kitchen, not turn it into a pigsty!” He passed a critical hand over the table, gathering up the dust in his palm and making a grimace. Cleaning supplies, pots and cups were scattered all over the floor and the table, as if the cadets had all come to a mutual agreement of dropping everything at once just to see how many white hairs Levi would gain in his hair.

“B-but-”

“Get back to work and stop yelping, you’re turning my brain into mush.”

But before he could open his mouth to bark another order at Jean, his eyes finally landed on who was once the centre of the huddle: Historia Reiss holding on to a hunched figure’s arm, obviously attempting to provide support, but ending up resembling more of a lost puppy clinging to someone’s sleeve.

“Captain Levi!” the petite girl exclaimed, a hint of relief present in her voice, “I-I went to get water from the fountain and I found them there! They seem stable, but I think they might need a doctor-”

His thoughts were running at light’s speed, yet he couldn’t get his body to wake up from its frozen state at the bottom of the stairs. What must’ve only been seconds felt like hours. As if time had decided to finally slow down, to finally stop the nonsensical blurry of days, months, years passing by only to give him a chance to breathe. A chance to understand. Was it just too good to be true?

“Captain…?” Springer trailed off, eyes bulging out of his little bald head, and quickly recoiled as Jean subtly elbowed him in the stomach. Only then did Levi notice that he had been standing among the shattered porcelain of what used to be his teacup, his hand still hanging in the air as if clinging to the ghost of the object.

The cadet finally raised their eyes from the floor, face bloodied and battered, yet still brightened by youth and devotion.

“Captain Levi… sir.” They saluted in a weak voice, raising two fingers to their temple.

Their last name rolled off Levi’s lips in a stronger tone than he thought he’d manage, yet still trailed off a bit in disbelief. Clearing his throat, he stepped over the broken porcelain.

“So. You came back, huh?” Out of all the words piled up on the tip of his tongue, begging to spill out, the best he could come up with was a rhetorical question. But the soldier still let out a dry chuckle, straightening their back as much as their wounds allowed them to. Their legs wobbled and the Ackerman girl, who had been quietly watching from the sidelines, immediately jumped in to offer extra support. Seeing the usually stone-faced Mikasa’s facial expression filled with a flurry of emotions similar to those churning in his heart allowed him to relax a bit.

“Of course.” The wounded cadet answered. “I made a promise, didn’t I?”

Levi gave a slight nod, features stoic, yet he felt his heart grow with pride in his chest. The same glint of determination glowed in their eyes as it did back then, during their rookie days, when they had placed their fist over their heart and had sworn to stay alive. He had heard the same promise come out of so many of his dead comrades’ mouths that realistically, he shouldn’t have expected this particular soldier to honor it. Yet for some reason, unknown even to himself, he had chosen to place his fragile trust in them. Maybe it had been their thirst for revenge, or their sheer willpower which, dare he say, could surpass Eren’s; whatever it had been, he did not regret it.

He drew closer, steps light as feathers on the wooden floor and took advantage of their hunched position to card his fingers through their hair, ruffling it affectionately. These damn kids keep getting taller… he thought bitterly to himself. The gesture managed to transform their wince of pain into a look of total and innocent wonder. The look in the eyes of a kid who's just got the utmost gesture of validation from a parent.

“You’re a good kid,” he conceded, patting their scalp twice before letting his hand fall back to his side. He could barely recognize the gentle tone of his own voice. “Although were you not wounded, I’d have roundhouse kicked your ass for scaring everyone like this.”

The phrase hadn’t even been that funny, in his opinion, but they let out a joyous, loud laugh, contagious to the people around them. It even pulled a chuckle out of Mikasa.

And as he stood there in the kitchen, surrounded by the laughter of youth, he finally understood. Placing his trust in these kids, fighting alongside them, protecting them with the price of his life were worth all the risks because they were humanity’s last hope. And he would do anything to one day see their joyful faces wiped clean of crimson wounds and dirt and death. Anything.

[dialovers-translations]

DIABOLIK LOVERS MORE, MORE BLOOD Vol.13 Kino [Track 5 + Epilogue]

Original title: 箱庭の旋律 & エピローグ

Source: Diabolik Lovers More, More Blood Vol. 13 Kino [CD not owned by me]

Audio: Here (48:01 ~ 64:58)

Seiyuu: Tomoaki Maeno

Translator’s note: D A M N. Just like most MMB CDs, the main part of the CD ends with somewhat of a cliffhanger/bittersweet note. However, I would definitely rank this CD as one of my favorites in the series despite not having much attachment to Kino as a character! I’m super curious about his Another Story track so I’ll have to look for the audio of that one! If I find it, I’ll be sure to translate it for you guys as well!

Track 1 ll Track 2 ll Track 3 ll Track 4 ll Track 5 + Epilogue

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

Track 5: Melody of the Miniature Garden

*Rattle*

“...Haah. Not this one either, huh? The next door’sーー”

You try and walk over to the next door but nearly collapse.

*Rustle*

“...Hey!”

Kino catches you just in time.

*Thud*

“You’re shaky in your steps...! You can’t walk any more. ...It can’t be helped, so let’s just take a small break for now.”

You try and act tough.

“...’Fine’, you say? Listen up, you don’t look that way at all. Why not just admit you’re having a hard time? It only causes extra trouble when you overexert yourself.”

You say sorry.

“Ah, no! I wasn’t trying to get you to apologize! ...Haah, it sucks how I end up taking out my anger on you. I have to admit, this situation has got me pretty freaked out as well.”

*Rustle*

“...Haven’t you been pushing yourself? I’ve been thinking you see...A human body’s fragile, unlike mine. On top of that, it’s my fault...things turned out this way.”

You shake your head.

“Look at you being way too nice for your own good again...I’m obviously to blame. It’s fine for you to get mad at me for getting you involved, you know?”

You comfort Kino. 

“That’s...Well, you’re right that I didn’t know this would happen. So in a sense you could say it is a case of force majeure. Honestly...Even in the most dire of situations, you never change, do you? I hope we can quickly find our way out and get to enjoy a nice, relaxing break at home. Just the two of us, while snacking on some konpeito.”

You agree.

“Makes sense. You want to get out of here as soon as possible as well, don’t you? In that case, let’s try our hardest to keep walking, okay?”

You get back on your feet.

“...As to be expected, you’re still shaky in your step and your complexion is pale as well. No matter how hard you try, you must be nearing your limit.”

*Cling*

“It’ll be hit or miss...But guess I should give it a shot.”

Your eyes widen in shock.

“I’d rather never use this cursed item again either but let’s use this to rewind time. If we go back to before we arrived at school, we should effectively make it out of this maze, right?”

You seem worried.

“I know! If this ‘bug’ gets any worse, then we might actually...But you know, if we stay here like this any longer, you’ll be in danger. Not just physically, but mentally as well, right? ...I’m sure you’re more than fed up with this suffocating place, aren’t you? It’s fine, I don’t need to hear your reply. It’s written all over your face. Let’s use this...to return home. And then, I’ll never use it again. I’m going back to my dull school life...!”

*Tick tock - Tick tock - Tick tock - Tick tock*

ーーー

“...!? We’re not at home...!? ...How come!? Why the broadcasting room...!?”

*Cling*

“There’s still magical energy left inside, so why did it fail!? Don’t tell me...Because this space has been distorted as well?”

You gasp.

“Eh...? What’s wrong?”

You point towards the wall. 

“...!! You’ve got to be kidding me. ...Why are there this many doors!? The whole entire wall is covered in them! On the ceiling...and even the floor as well!? What is going on...!? It’s gotten even worse than before!? Fuck...!!”

He rushes towards the ‘exit’.

*Rattle*

“Kuh...! It’s a hallway after all...”

*Rattle*

“This one too...!”

*Rattle*

“...What is going on!? Why are there hallways running even underneath the floor!? ...I guess I shouldn’t have rewinded time after all. We can’t return home either and now space has been even more distorted...! Why did things turn out like this!? ...Is it because I turned back time too much? Because I...used that Hourglass? Because of me...”

You start shivering.

“...!! Are you okay...? You’re shaking...Are you crying?”

Kino approaches you. 

“...Say. You don’t have to cry? I’m here with you. I’ll definitely fix this somehow! So...”

You suddenly burst out in laughter.

“...Eh? Why are you laughing...?

You start destroying the room in a frenzy.

*THUD*

*SHATTER*

“...Hey! Get a hold of yourself!

You press the ON button.

*Bzzzzzzzt*

“...Why did you turn that on!?”

Kino swiftly turns it off again.

“Look at me...!”

*Rustle*

“Get a grip! ...What exactly is so funny!?”

You tell him you are having so much fun.

“Hah...? What are you saying? How could you describe this as ‘having a fun school life’...!? This isn’t enjoyable in the slightest!”

You insist.

“Why do you keep on spouting nonsense? I don’t know if you’re just trying to be funny, but it’s not working!”

You continue talking like a lunatic.

“S...Shut up! Don’t speak another word!”

You ignore his pleas.

“Shut it! Don’t speak...!”

You chuckle again.

“Uu...Haah, haah...Ahー Fufu...Fufufu...I see...You’ve finally lost your mind, huh? I no longer know how much time has passed since we started, but I guess it was enough for your mind to break.”

*Rustle*

“I wonder if I’m to blame for this as well? I played with both time and you...It’s my fault. My sin. In that case...I might as well...!”

Kino grabs hold of you and bites you.

*Gulp gulp gulp*

“...I no longer care. If we can’t escape this anyway, I’ll just enjoy it instead. ...As long as you’re here with me, I can enjoy myself like this. ...You’re having fun as well, aren’t you?”

You nod.

“Knew it. I figured you’d nod. Although I no longer know if those are your true feelings, or if your madness has taken over. I don’t care. Either way works...I love you.”

*Rustle*

“I’ll suck you gently this time, okay? Try telling me where you want my fangs. ...You understand? Can you do that?”

You ask to be bitten above your chest.

“...Fufu~ So that’s where you want it, huh? ...Understood. As you wish, I’ll thrust them all the way to your heart, and suck your blood.”

Kino bites you once more.

*Gulp gulp gulp*

“...Hah! ...Ahahaha! Seems like somebody is enjoying themselves. Your face is bright red, how shameless of you! Did it feel good to have me suck you gently? ...However, are you okay? Your body seems to be twitching and convulsing. Well...I guess you like it when it’s a little painful.”

*Rustle*

“...Say. I know why you chose the chest, you know? You want to overwrite the painful reality with an even stronger sensation of pain and pleasure, don’t you? You want to forget, even if for just one second. I felt better once I had your blood as well. ...I mean, it’s mind-blowingly delicious after all.”

You ask him to bite you again.

“...Yeah. You’re craving for it again, huh? I know. I haven’t had nearly enough either.”

*Rustle*

“Well then, where should I suck from next?”

Kino ponders for a bit.

“Right. I’ll suck from your ear next. I quite like biting you here. With the sound echoing straight to your skull, I’m sure it’ll make for quite the intense experience. I bet that’s the ultimate reward anyone could give you today?”

*Smooch*

“...Nice reaction. You’ve gotten rather sensitive, haven’t you? You want it that badly?”

You nod.

“Fufu~ I see. ...But when you yearn after me that strongly, it makes me want to torment you instead. I suppose it wouldn’t be bad to tease you a little.”

You beg him not to.

*Rustle*

“Fufu~ Look at you clinging onto me because you want my fangs so badly. What happened to the usual pure act? Don’t you feel ashamed, acting this way towards a man? Well, I guess you’ve lost all reason right now. ...But rest assured, I love you regardless.”

You beg for his fangs again.

“...I know, I know. You can barely wait, can you? I was just feeling thirsty again as well, so I’ll suck you plenty.”

Kino bites you a third time.

*Gulp gulp gulp*

“...Hah. Mm~ ...Sweet. I can clearly tell just how worked up you are right now. ...For some reason, I’m starting to feel more and more fine with the current situation. You told me earlier while laughing, didn’t you? That you’re happy to be able to attend school together with me. I bet you wouldn’t be able to endure this situation if you didn’t tell yourself that, no? That as long as I’m with you, everything will be fine. I doubt you’d be able to keep going otherwise, would you? 

...I feel the same way. Just the two of us. That’s how it should be. ...Exactly, it’s perfect! Ideal! The ultimate form of happiness! We’re alone here...So there’s nobody else to get in our way. I wonder why I panicked that much earlier? There honestly was no need to. I mean, even if we’re locked up in here forever, I can simply have fun with you. As long as I have you, that’s all I need.”

You agree.

“Right? I’m glad we both feel the same way. Locked in each other’s embrace foreverーー kissing you, sucking your blood...Honestly, school life really is a blast! Fufu...Ahahahaha...Ahahaha!!!”

Track 6: Epilogue

“...Say, you’re still not satisfied, are you? ...You want more, don’t you? ...Sure. I’ll give it to you.”

Kino bites you.

*Gulp gulp gulp*

“...Hah! ...Haah, haah...How’s that? I bet it feels pretty nice when I suck from your shoulder as well? There’s little flesh, so I’m sure you can clearly feel my fangs sinking in? ...Shall I bite the same spot once more? I’m sure that’ll...”

*Rustle*

“...Huh? ...Oh. You’ve lost consciousness? I wonder when that happened? I got so absorbed in sucking your blood, I didn’t even realize. ...Fufu~ I’m sorry for making you go through all of this. However, I promise. No matter what happens, I’ll stay by your side forever. ...So you can rest assured. ...Sweet dreams, my Princess.”

*Smooch*

ーー THE END ーー

[romanceboys]

(interview) gq korea february issue 2021 — shinee minho “i’m still as passionate as ever”

1. i heard that your schedule ran until dawn today. you still look energetic.  no matter how exhausted i am, my condition improves once i wake up and take a shower. because it’s like the usual morning routine. 2. you take pride in the fact that your stamina is second to none, right? it reminded me of something you said long ago. i wouldn’t go as far as to say that it’s my pride, but i do know my stamina is stronger than most. my energetic appearance is my positive characteristic as well. 3. moreover, it hasn’t been long since you were discharged from the marines.  well, it seems like my stamina has gotten better. hahaha. 4. there must be a lot that you want to do. what do you enjoy doing the most these days? since it’s not the kind of situation where i can roam about freely, i’ve been spending a lot of time with my family. i was with them on christmas and new year’s. i’d barely done this since debut so i think it was a good thing. even in the military, i missed my people the most. 5. that must be why on the day of your discharge you made a surprise appearance at taemin’s music broadcast waiting room. in your military uniform.  i rushed straight from pohang. the shinee members were gathered to support taemin, and the staff that had been with us for over ten years was present too. when i looked back on shinee’s activities in the military, the very fun and enjoyable memories felt vague, but on that day they became clear to me right away. this is why we’ve continued together for so long. 6. what do you talk about with your members? since we’re currently preparing for our album, we’ve been talking about us as a team a lot. things like shinee’s (future) direction and what we ought to show. 7. did you figure something out? up till now shinee has often attempted unique and novel challenges, musically and stylistically. there were times when things were derived from what we did first, or even times when we had to question ourselves “is this okay?” before taking a bold step. but because we're an idol group, we folded under inevitable stereotypes and could not ignore them. however, we now collectively agree on preserving our artistic aspect well in order to show off a more distinct musical colour. 8. agreed. can you tell us which song represents shinee’s identity? the title track of the 4th album ‘view’ was shinee’s turning point. prior to this, the group was mostly known for its strength in performance, but through this song we were able to show the type of musical colour we pursued. we tried deep house at a time when the genre was unknown to k-pop and though it was not done without reservations, we got the response we expected. it’s basically what the entire (odd) album stands for. 9. besides music or performance, is there any other scene that can portray shinee well? having overcome many obstacles, we can’t define ourselves simply by saying ‘yes, this is us.’ rather, if there were to be a documentary made on shinee, i wonder how it’d be like to have the opening scene unveil the members’ perfectly human state instead of their moments of glory. for instance, saying whatever i want to without hesitation. without worrying, without walking on eggshells.  10. are you a quiet person? though i do joke around easily, i try to be careful with my words. i’m more of a listener than a talker. 11. you lived entirely as choi minho in the military. did you live true to yourself or were you able to discover a new side? it’s both. i had a lot of time for introspection. i reflected on the time spent and thought about what was good or disappointing, it unveiled a side of me that i hadn’t even considered while working as shinee minho. rather than saying it changed me, i was able to understand myself more definitively as a person. what i could be honest about and careful with with people became clear to me, i also realised that my strengths can become my weaknesses. 12. what made you think that? i thought i had an outgoing personality, but in retrospect i was more concerned about the people around me than myself. the other party can only be at ease if i’m comfortable... i was so busy being considerate that i ended up becoming stressed without realising. 13. an upright and serious image comes to mind when we say minho, turns out there was a complicated reason for it. it’s because i wasn’t even aware of it. i believe it’s something i need to work on to become a better person. this is also why i’m looking forward to my thirties. i’m curious about the areas i’ll mature in. 14. among the expressions that describe minho are passion and giving it your all. when do you think was your most passionate era? when i debuted as shinee, practicing blindly and then promoting made me feel like i was lacking a lot which affected my confidence. after our first concert, however, i became less anxious and worried. i realised that there were many fans who supported me. all i could think of was that i had to give it my best. my passion from back then is still the same as ever. it’s my understanding that i’ve come all the way to the present without cooling down. 15. what meaning does passion hold for you? does it mean that you’re very ambitious/greedy? i used to think passion and ambition meant the same thing. i was very certain that you could achieve anything if you were ambitious enough and worked hard. i hypnotized myself into believing that because i wanted it so badly, not because i was being reckless. as i started gaining more experience, i began to differentiate between the two. if passion means doing what you can to the best of your abilities, then greed is limiting yourself when you try something new because you wonder whether you can do it well. and that is why confidence is important. if you’re confident, then you can carry greed with a positive energy. 16. have you now gotten used to acting and promoting as shinee at the same time? at first i thought i could do it even if it was difficult. turns out that wasn’t the case. killing two birds with one stone wasn’t as easy as i thought. i don’t want to let either go. instead of saying yes it’s hard or i’m disappointed in the results, i believe this is a problem i need to solve. 17. your first activity after discharge was acting. you made a special appearance in the drama ‘lovestruck in the city,’ what was your first line? “please wear this.” i cannot forget it. 18. why not? one of my favourite words is ‘first.’ your first experiences are always unforgettable. seconds are usually a vague memory. that’s why firsts are extremely meaningful. standing before the camera for the first time after discharge felt like i was starting anew. the scene wasn’t even that hard, but i was very nervous. just like the first time i acted, i vividly remember the day’s situation, people, the atmosphere, and the weather. 19. do you remember your first scene as well? it’s been more than a decade.  it was a one-episode short drama; the scene was filmed inside a tow truck. i don’t remember my line very well, but the actors, the hustle and bustle of the staff outside the window, the glaring sunlight, the tow truck i sat in for the first time are all still very vivid. i try not to forget it. 20. do you remember the first praise you received for your acting?  hm, many people around me say nice things, but i’ve never considered those as compliments. it’s because i don’t think i’ve done anything praiseworthy yet. so let’s just say my first praise doesn’t exist for now. 21. that is a very objective yet cool answer. then what do you think is something you need courage to do?  everyday things.... like cooking. i can’t bring myself to even think about it, but i should attempt it before it’s too late. 22. by the way, you started sns. you did say in an interview that you did not see the need for socials, so what changed your mind? i received so many letters from fans in the military. i read every single one of them, and in most of them fans asked me to share my daily life through sns. though i did joke around saying that i’d rather hold a personal photo exhibition than create socials, i got one as a present for fans who spent two years waiting for me. but i’m not sure if i can manage it well. 23. do you tend to record your personal life through pictures like others? haha. not at all. i’m working towards it these days. 24. when was your sns profile picture taken?  when i was three or four years old. i racked my brain over this too. whether to upload a sefie or to go for a cool vibe. 

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