#and no I never fucking vagued specific individuals for liking specific ships. if you happen to associate yourself with a post I make talkin

[rosethreeart]

Like I get it, I’m opinionated and I’m very vocal about my stances and I’m prone to being stubborn about it, but that still doesn’t make it okay to make shit up about me or my friends, especially considering a good amount of them are trans and/or queer in other ways.

[prismartist]

(warning: i wrote this past midnight, so if i seem deranged at parts, that’s why)

okay, so after eret’s recent lore stream, i think it may be safe to say that there’s possibly something weird going on with members and not having any memory of their past. we’ve seen it in three people so far, and most of the other inhabitants never mention their backgrounds aside from their time in the server. what’s weirder is that there are exceptions to this case, with people like phil (tentatively) or schlatt using their past SMPs as background, even though other people who were in those same servers, like wilbur or eret, make no mention of them at all.

from a meta standpoint, there’s a simple explanation: those who had significant roles in those smps are more likely to reference them, especially if the fandom keeps reminding them of it. everyone is at least a little familiar with the Antarctic Empire, or Schlatt & Co. but not as many people know of the time when eret dug out the entirety of hawaii in smpearth, so he doesnt bring it up as much, or at least, not in character. it’s also probably because people pick and choose which aspects of their former servers to induct into their character’s past, which is confusing, but yknow.

there’s also the fact that backstories not directly linked to the smp became more popular with the arrival of ranboo, who constantly hinted at his ~mysterious past~ (and the possibility that it’s the cause of his memory loss), and some people taking that, but simply without the amnesia. foolish, for one, seems to have a pretty good grasp on his past, and didn’t see a reason to have his character forget it. 

from a worldbuilding standpoint, though? when considering the fact that everyone’s individual character lore, no matter how separate they are from the current plots, will probably be all connected at one point or another like dream promised? i feel like we have to look at some possibilities as to what this could all mean.

(keep in mind the following probabilities could overlap with each other.)

tis farfetched theory time :]

so, what are the possible causes for the unnatural amounts of amnesia in the dream smp?

1. the dream smp is something akin to a night vale-esque region, one protected by a god albeit through extreme means, wherein there’s (almost) no way in, unless accepted by a mysterious force, and (almost) no way out.

isn’t it weird how members can travel as far as possible and yet encounter no civilization aside from some villagers? yet tales has confirmed that such regions definitely exist and even operate in more real-world rules, like only having one life instead of the usual three? 

don’t you ever wonder if the dream smp perhaps operates on a different... level, than the rest of the world? mod-less, the end being barred, no farms allowed?

do you think the inhabitants of the smp never mention/don’t remember their past because they’ve been totally cut off from it?

the dream smp could be a creation in a similar vein to night vale; a specific section of the world completely separated and hidden from it, as well as oblivious to the fact that it's hiding from anything. 

the reasoning for this could be to serve as a sort of protection. if you look at it a certain way the server does seem sort of baby-proof compared to other servers. three lives instead of one, no access to the end, no automated farms. why does it need to be protected? maybe it's a safe space for dreamxd to keep people theyre fond of. maybe it's a social experiment. maybe a tragedy has befallen it before that forced it to be so. nonetheless, that part remains a bit more vague. 

of course, there are exceptions to the "no one can get out" bit; karl is basically given permission to travel a bit more beyond the boundaries, glatt is a ghost and ghosts have been shown to have a bit more free will than live people, and connor potentially has necromancer/fellow time traveler/main character privileges. basically he's just connor. 

now i know this completely ignores the characters who i just mentioned have pasts, but there are ways to go about this: a) theyre simply Built Different (aka these people are mentally stable or powerful enough to remember their past), and/or b) past smps could have inhabited the land before it dissolved and dream took over (risky, but not impossible). 

My brain did come up with c) people can retain memories from alternate dimensions, not if theyre from the same world as the smp itself, but it does seem the least likely if you want the narrative to make sense, as this wouldn't explain how foolish, who is implied to have been on the server long before the dsmp was established (as judging from jack the potato farmer’s journal) still remembers his past, and why wilbur doesn’t remember smplive. but he does seem to be the only one with this problem, as everyone else that i know of who was on smplive seem to have some familiarity with each other. which leads me to the next possibility. 

2. the amnesia picks and chooses. 

this post by @noobsomeexagerjunk brings up this point; if there is someone behind the amnesia, they simply pick and choose whose past to wipe. beatrix’s post suggests it’s mostly people who do potentially stand as some sort of threat against dream, as they all oppose him and can overpower him provided they have resources and are in the right state of mind, which they seemingly are not as of late. that suggests dream does have some form of power over the server, or maybe works with dreamxd to make it happen. 

but if not that, then what? perhaps these people are more likely to figure out how to break the server rules? maybe they have abilities that could easily overpower dreamxd themself? if that is the case, maybe we can consider karl as well; there are theories that dreamxd is possibly connected to the inbetween and could be behind karl’s amnesia as well as the others, perhaps as a way to limit his abilities. but again, foolish would be an exception, as he is incredibly powerful. but then again again, foolish is incredibly powerful, so he could have avoided this fate. 

3. it’s all purely coincidental.

out of the five amnesiacs on the server, two of them have causes that we are aware of; ghostbur because he’s repressed, and karl because of time travel/whichever one of the two alternate dimensions he’s visited that are fucking with him. ranboo’s reason is hinted to be because of something that happened to him. so i don’t think it’s unlikely that puffy and eret’s memory losses don’t necessarily have anything to do with the nature of the server. maybe puffy hit her head on a rock and washed ashore far from her ship, and eret’s a reincarnation, similar to link from legend of zelda, except he can’t remember anything about his past life/lives (there’s also several theories explaining this). this is… the most probable one, as it would be a clean explanation with no inconsistencies. so. 

tl;dr either the dream smp wipes the memory of most people in the server when they enter, it picks and chooses based on who is a potential threat, or the amount of amnesiacs is purely coincidental. 

[bigskydreaming]

Tarn the Uncaring and his Locus Vile remain creepy as fuck, but I can’t help but feel that this Hellions issue would be a lot more impactful if we had any clue whatsoever what Tarn and his ick squad’s powers actually are. Its the same gripe I have with the last Wolverine issue and that Arakki pirate guy......I feel like the writers are making all these new Arakki characters but aren’t bothering to figure out what they can even do beyond just make them look bad-ass or intimidating or whatever and just be vague as to their actual capabilities.

For the most part its not a big deal, but I do think sooner rather than later we do need an ACTUAL clue about what the hell Tarn and the rest of the Great Ring’s powers are, given that its been well established that the Arakki ONLY let omega level mutants sit on their ruling council, so like......I think they should have bothered figuring out what the Great Ring’s powersets are before introducing them at least, and I feel like a big reason for the vagueness is that so far....even the writers only have the vaguest idea about what most of them can do. I mean, the only ones we know for sure are Isca and Lactuna or whatever her name is....and we have a reasonable sense of what the fish dude’s powers are and they’re fairly epic....and Idyll’s powers obviously are precognition related, so....okay y’know what, I take it back. 

Of the Great Ring, the only ones we don’t really have a sense of are Tarn and the other random dude whose name I forget, and Tarn’s obviously have something to do with genetics/power manipulation.....but every time I see that giant caterpillar mutant, Xili or whatever his name is, I’m just like....okay we saw him in action but I still don’t get how his power works even a little bit.

Anyway, Hellions was an interesting issue, I enjoy seeing Sinister’s fuck-ups come back home to roost and all the Hellions finding out just how badly he screwed them on the Amenth mission, and I am intrigued by the mention of Chimera towards the end of the issue. I’m guessing all of this is building up to the reveal of Sinister’s first experiments in creating the triple-powered mutants we saw in Powers of X a hundred years in the future - and that series did mention that the first Chimera were ‘grown’ in the Vats of Mars, which is now Arakko, home of.....the people Sinister just admitted to stealing the DNA from to create these Chimera. So it all fits. 

What I’m curious about is how much of this is just leading up to the same events that already played out in Moira’s last failed lifetime, versus how much things are going differently this time around. Like, we’re finding out about the Chimera being created already, which would seem to suggest events so far aren’t playing out too differently from the last time around, given the references to them being made on Mars....BUT in Moira’s last lifetime in Powers of X, like, it was clearly referenced as MARS having been where the Chimera were first made.....while ever since the Hellfire Gala, the books have all been pushing really hard that the planet’s name is Arakko now. So what I’m wondering is if Moira’s last lifetime - where she was allied with Apocalypse for at least part of it as well - if Arakko and its mutants were ever successfully retrieved from Amenth....or if Mars was simply a Krakoan colony in that past lifetime, and the Chimera we saw a hundred years in its future were just the results of Sinister’s experiments with mutant/Krakoan DNA, with him never having had access to Arakki mutants or Tarn’s own experiments with mutation.

Because if the latter, then that would suggest that the key difference this time around, and the potential game changer for the future, is not actually Krakoa itself, but Arakko’s presence and the Krakoa/Arakko alliance, spread across two planets.

Hmmm. Must ponder more.

As for the new X-Men issue, it wasn’t bad but it was mostly meh. It felt like a lot of just action sequences with Duggan narrating how they all used their powers together to defeat the Annihilation Wave, and like....yawn? The mutant synergy idea is fine conceptually, but they are milking it WAY too hard, its like we get it, can you do something with the actual STORY rather than just being like look what happens when these two mutants use their powers at the same time? LOL. For what its worth, what story there IS in this issue is intriguing. I mean, the idea of Gameworld and its bets on the fate of Earth is pretty interesting, and Dr. Stasis is shaping up to be a dangerous threat, especially with him seeming to be on to the Krakoan resurrection capabilities (uh, not that they’ve been all that subtle about it, tbh), and allied with Orchis - thus them knowing about the great Krakoan resurrection engine as well, lmao. Like, they probably really should have put a bit more effort into keeping that under wraps awhile longer instead of just being like: 

"Oh Jumbo Carnation famously was murdered a few years ago with it all over the news and now we’re making a big deal about him designing all the outfits for our highly publicized Hellfire Gala, and you want to know how that could be possible, Mr. Reporter? Uh...look! A squirrel!”

Also, that plus the big fight between the Locus Vile and the Hellions on Krakoa after Ororo specifically WARNED Tarn that she was going to fuck his shit up if he tried to retaliate against Sinister - and that Isca and the rest of the Great Ring promised to back her on, lololol, its kinda funny that they all seem to hate Tarn as much as the rest of the Quiet Council all hate Sinister - anyway, all that has me wondering what the official policy on dead Arakki mutants is. I assume given that they’re mutants no fundamentally different from Krakoan mutants, that like, ever since they emerged from Otherworld, there’s no reason that Cerebro shouldn’t back up their consciousnesses as automatically as it does any other mutant’s....so is Krakoa sharing its resurrection technology with Arakko at all? Assuming of course that once they saw how Krakoans did it, they don’t have specific mutants of their own capable of matching the capabilities of the Five and doing the same for them. 

BUT then again, the idea of resurrection seems to fly pretty heavily in the face of Arakki culture, so I don’t imagine on the WHOLE they’re all that interested in it in the first place.....BUT BUT, that doesn’t mean that INDIVIDUAL Arakki mutants aren’t interested. And given that we know now that it was Solem who was pulling strings in Wolverine’s solo title and X-Force, and that he was behind stealing the Shi’ar logic diamonds, which are used in resurrection, and he seems to have aims towards stealing the Cerebro Sword from Mikhail in Russia......from what we do know of Solem, it would make perfect sense for him to be interested in resurrection, given how many of his own people want him dead (especially after how he fucked over War in X of Swords), and I can’t imagine Solem being all that interested in like, applying for Krakoan citizenship just for that perk if he felt he could finagle resurrection on his own terms instead.

Or that he thinks they’d even offer it to him at all at this point, given that Emma, a key figure on the Quiet Council, is personally gunning for him to get payback for what he did to Christian and the Marauder (yesssss, this is one Emma + Wolverine teamup I’m here for lololol). Course, I can’t help but think, you know who else would want payback for Christian, and who might be extremely helpful in going after a notoriously dangerous Arakki warrior with adamantium skin? Oh, idk, Christian’s boyfriend, the omega mutant capable of freezing anything so cold it can shatter with a touch....even vaunted adamantium. I’M JUST SAYING. We saw Bobby get his vengeful on after Kate was killed, and him applying that same energy towards going after someone as dangerous as Solem on Christian’s behalf, would be like....potentially the most interesting thing they’ve done with him in years.

Like, I know it won’t happen because it probably hasn’t even occurred to the writers, since most of them barely even acknowledge that Bobby and Christian are IN a relationship, but how fucking great would it be to have Solem smugly convinced that he’s a match for Logan only for him to be like “the useful thing about NOT being a loner loser like you and actually having friends and people who like me, is sometimes it pays to have a bigger gun than yourself on speed dial.” Cut to....Heeeeeere’s Bobby! You know, the dude who just singlehandedly gave your spiffy new homeplanet its ice caps. And whose boyfriend your pirate patsies tossed overboard and left for dead when stealing his ship.

Solem: Aww, fuck.

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian Chapter 11; the rewatch edition

I have found a bit more enthusiasm for this one on the rewatch, so here goes!

- din snapping ‘I’m trying my best here!’ in a vaguely annoyed tone as his entire ship is going up in flames around him because he mostly doesn’t get angry as much as sulky... the height of cinema 

- I love frog husband’s clothes, because they’re in a very similar style and colour scheme to frog lady’s but also incorporate the knitwear we see on the people of trask, so it both underlines his belonging with her and implies that he’s been on this moon for quite a while, they may have been apart for some time  

especially his scarf is a darling detail and there’s a bit of contrast in texture to it next to his wife’s, it’s nice. he’s wearing a similar kind of vest to what we see on the fishermen later, too 

- I think my favourite part of this entire episode (well second after din cradling the baby against him after nearly drowning) is just the design and Vibe of the planet and especially this harbour

for one I LOVE that it’s shown that even in the middle of the day it’s dark enough that the electric lights are still on when it’s overcast (it reminds me a bit of norway during the winter, actually, when dawn just never quite breaks and then slinks off in embarrassment before it’s even noon). and there’s also the... sails? nets? hanging around looking almost like flags, which are very Aesthetic but god knows what they’re for. maybe for drying fish on in the summer? 

I think the building in the distance behind frog husband’s back here is a lighthouse? or it could be one of those towers for loading you see when they scout out the empire ship too, I suppose!

and one for my strange obsession with Texture on this show: these fabric-covered crates!!! they look exactly as dingy and moldy as you’d expect them to be in this climate, I wonder what they’re for (& I vaguely want to touch them) 

- from the sound of it din’s vibroknife is uh ‘on’ when he pokes the squid thing, and he also goes for the tentacle the furthest away from the baby <3

proof the calamari flan have been scratched up a bit during all that time in din’s pockets! (the attention to detail in this show sometimes istg) 

- this is 100% me reading too much into things again, call the overthinking police I’ll do my time meekly lol, but the boat looks a little bit like the mudhorn signet from this angle: 

again din keeps his hand on or sooo close to his blaster in this entire scene, he knows this is sketch as all hell 

a) once again I want to praise the effects team for how GOOD the aliens look in this episode holy shit and b) the hell is this dude wearing on the straps of his overalls tho 

- the dude mando (axe woves) uses his little... wrist launcher thing to shoot with to finish two off the fishermen, so my theory that they can be loaded with other things than the whistling birds for slightly less effective use (maybe without the level of honing we’ve seen din’s be able to do?) is looking good!

- din actually has quite good form when diving into the water, I’m guessing he can swim at least tolerably when not in full armour, being stabbed at from all directions, having just had his son eaten by a sea monster and also being trapped in with said sea monster (I’m a strong swimmer and I can tell you that there’s a reason they make you swim with clothes on from time to time to see how hard it is, it sucks. with metal plates strapped all over you as well? yeah good luck) people don’t tend to hit the water that gracefully without some kind of training in my experience lol. might be some of the training with the jet pack has carried over too, considering he throws himself off that cliff in chapter 12 with similar confidence?

it’s interesting that they’re once again showing us a threat where the armour doesn’t help and even hinders him. we’re so used to the ways it can make him near-invincible, but it can also drag him down (literally, in this case. aha ha ha. well if I’m not here for my own entertainment then what am I here for honestly)

- din’s voice sounding like he’s just on the verge of crying as he cradles the baby (and the sound he makes as he realizes the baby’s alive) is my kryptonite, turns out. fucking breaks my heart into tiny pieces every time, I would die for this man and he wouldn’t let me

- in support of din’s paranoia: so far this season we haven’t been able to go five minutes without someone talking about peeling the precious beskar off a mandalorian corpse, I can see why his mind was primed to move in one particular way there

- I think the fabric of din’s cape has been treated with something that makes it waterproof; the water seems to pearl on top of it rather than soak in! can you imagine how heavy it would get if it did absorb water tho christ

(a bit hard to see at this size but that’s what it looked like to me close up anyway! could also be that it’s wool and that’s why it looks that way but I prefer an elaborate sci-fi explanation here, because it doesn’t look particularly weighed down afterwards) might also explain why he doesn’t seem worried about it catching on fire when he uses the jetpack haha, maybe this is something the mandos do with fabric they’re going to use for a long time 

I also enjoy part of the gambeson/undersuit thing poking up from under the shoulder pauldron and cape; I think this is about as disheveled as we’ve seen him since immediately post-mudhorn 

- the sound mixing in this scene, where din’s breathing is layered a bit over everything else so you almost feel like you’re in the helmet with him listening to what the others are saying........ oh my GOD, it embeds you so deeply in his POV but so subtly 

- not to be biased or anything... but din and the armorer’s armour design is so vastly superior to these guys it shouldn’t even be a competition lol 

din looks like an honest to god knight in shining armour except also sci-fi western and the armorer looks like a fucking war goddess from a time beyond memory; the clone wars mandos look like high end cosplayers (eh maybe it’s just my dislike for the boobplates that has me so 😒 lol. also a lot of dudes were very shitty about that whole thing and I don’t say anything but the ‘vaguely-concerned will remember this’ telltale message pops up in the corner every time) 

moment of saltiness over: I do like the differentiation between their individual character designs 

the differences in body type and helmet design is nice! they look like a unified team, but with individuality. I suspect the ladies have those belts and their armour plates on the hips instead of the front of the thighs to emphasize the ‘female’ silhouette, which. okay fine whatever

- bo katan looks very pointedly down at the baby after saying ‘a group of religious zealots who want to return to the ancient ways’ which makes me VERY nervous for reasons I can’t quite articulate

- the mournful guitar version of the mando theme as din watches the sunset...... hmmmmngh (this might be some Symbolism happening to us folks strap in for the identity crisis he still hasn’t processed) 

- I Cannot get over din being so unimpressed by and uninterested in bo katan’s ‘retake mandalore’ sales pitch from literally the first moment dfhasdkjfhsad sorry lady kryze this man just does not do main quest shit, he’s all side quests all the time and that’s why I love him  

- as someone who after chapter 8 wrote a whole-ass fic that was wholly & exclusively about din telling the baby he’ll always come back for him... some of the shit he’s been saying this season does feel like it’s been written to mercilessly victimize me, personally and specifically 

- guessing this structure in the background is the traffic control tower! doesn’t really matter, I just thought it was neat

- this part of the soundtrack is called ‘ship o hoj, mandalorians!’, which I found incredibly charming haha (it’s ‘ship ahoy’ except how you write it in swedish, good one herr göranson)  

- bo katan is vague about who exactly the new mand’alor would be if they took back mandalore to begin with, she doesn’t specify she is planning to be the ruler until she’s already got din on the ship and in no position to refuse to help. gotta respect the grift at least lol  

I do love her voice, though, it reminds me a bit of jennifer hale as shepard

- “I need to get back to my ship, with the foundling” your honor I uh love him so fucking much 

- frog lady stroking the baby’s back a bit as she holds her hand behind him to make sure he doesn’t fall backwards while playing with the tadpole ;___________;

and also frog husband and frog lady reaching out to hold hands and frog smooching as din and yodito leave ;____________________________________________;

- when din says the exasperated “mon calamari. unbelievable” line, the baby makes that little blowing a raspberry sound he does as if to agree ‘uh-huh unbelu -- unbelly -- unbelievable dad smh’ and it is very very adorable 

- there’s quite a bit of Stuff in the concept art that didn’t make it in this time around; I wonder if maybe they cut some stuff for pacing or whatever and that’s why this episode is so short? water leaking into the cockpit of the razor crest, something that looked a bit like whaling going on on the docks and more spaceships taking off (maybe there were originally meant to be some smaller ships defending the big empire one?), there’s quite a bit here  

[pseudoneiiric]

meta post: ocd, mysophobia, and a revelation on my part.

not to mention that a really important part of lili’s backstory is… her germaphobia. she has persistent delusions accompanied by visual hallucinations where she sees people as “parasites”, which visually manifests as them rotting or decomposing. because of that, she wears gloves all the time and is repulsed by physical touch. but when she meets c (whose real name is vincent) in person, she pretty much instantly goes for skin-to-skin contact with him, where she takes off her glove and holds his hand. and like, sure, that’s sweet, but that’s really not how mental illness… works. in the slightest. she doesn’t react at all when his hand touches hers, despite the fact that she has literally had panic attacks in canon from touching things without her gloves. and it gives off this implication that mental illness can be cured with romance somehow, and that’s a really bad take!

this feeds into fandom understanding that like, well, if lilian sees vincent as pure and allows him to touch her, then Obviously she’d let him kiss her, they could probably have sex, etc. and like… she’s canonically asexual though! and that brings us to the other implication, that asexuality is somehow… caused by something. like, there’s nothing in canon to state that lilian experiences sexual attraction (or even really romantic attraction, like i know etherane went off in heaven’s gate and did a lot of ship tease, but she never really outright says she’s crushing on anyone), but judging from the way etherane handled lilian’s gender identity, i have a sneaking suspicion that she established lilian’s asexuality with her mental illnesses specifically in mind. lilian’s autistic, germaphobic, has severe ocd, and she’s been sexually assaulted in the past. therefore, she must be asexual! that’s the sort of vibes i get from the game, and im not here for it.

— me, circa november 2020

the other day, i was writing a crossover ship fic for lilian when i ran into a problem. namely, the Touch Aversion problem. at first glance, the reasoning behind lilian’s touch aversion seems really simple: she hates germs and dirty things, so she wears gloves and washes her hands so frequently that they blister. since she has ocd and mysophobia, it makes sense for her to be obsessive about cleanliness and for her passive skill to be listed as cleaning. she doesn’t touch q84 in canon even in life-threatening situations, except for the very end, because she hates touching people. when anri kissed her, lilian was so grossed out that she imagined anri as a parasite. and when it comes to her taking off her glove and holding vincent’s hand... well, 

but upon replaying hello charlotte 3 and doing a little bit of digging with regards to the actual symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder and mysophobia, i realized something. and this “something” was a game-changer.

so let’s start off by defining some things. obsessive-compulsive disorder, shortened to ocd, has several diagnostic criteria, which you can read here if you’d like the full clinical definition. for the sake of length, though, i will only talk about the most important part to take away from the diagnostic criteria.

ocd is not a fear of germs. ocd is not a fear of germs. ocd. is. not. a fucking fear of germs. obsessions may involve cleanliness. compulsions may include wanting areas to be clean. it is entirely possible for ocd to be accompanied by mysophobia, but a fear of germs is not inherent to the diagnosis of ocd. what is inherent to the diagnosis of ocd is a repeated and pervasive series of intrusive thoughts which cause the person with ocd debilitating anxiety or distress, and a set of compulsions that the person with ocd performs in order to mitigate said anxiety. these compulsions do not need to correspond to the actual obsession. a lot of obsessions don’t. for example, your obsession could be around disliking cluttered environments, but your compulsion could be pacing a hallway fourteen times back and forth while mentally reciting the preamble to the american constitution. in some cases, the compulsion is related to the obsession but is generally considered excessive. remember that ocd is not characterized by a need for cleanliness and that it is instead characterized by ritualistic behaviour accompanied by obsessive thought patterns.

i also want to talk about this section in particular, taken from the website linked above:

D. The disturbance is not better explained by the symptoms of another mental disorder (e.g., excessive worries, as in generalized anxiety disorder; preoccupation with appearance, as in body dysmorphic disorder; difficulty discarding or parting with possessions, as in hoarding disorder; [ ... ] ritualized eating behavior, as in eating disorders; [ ... ] thought insertion or delusional preoccupations, as in schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorders; or repetitive patterns of behavior, as in autism spectrum disorder).

Specify if:

With good or fair insight: The individual recognizes that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are definitely or probably not true or that they may or may not be true.

With poor insight:  The individual thinks obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are probably true.

With absent insight/delusional beliefs: The individual is completely convinced that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are true.

i want to let the record show that lilian has several of these disorders. while i don’t believe that this disqualifies her from having ocd, i do think it’s important to note that there is comorbidity between these disorders.

i included this section on inslght because i’m going to go into depth why i believe lilian has absent insight/delusional beliefs. but in order to talk about that, we need to figure out just what it is that lilian is obsessively thinking, what it is that’s causing her so much distress. if ocd doesn’t inherently involve a need for cleanliness, then could it be that lilian’s obsessions revolve around her mysophobia? after all, mysophobia is germaphobia, so maybe she’s just scared of germs, and that’s why she’s always washing her hands.

so, let’s talk about mysophobia. it isn’t listed under the dsm v on its own, but it does exist (albeit not by name) under the umbrella term specific phobia disorder. you can look that up yourself, but from the research i’ve done, i can fairly safely say this: mysophobia, more commonly referred to as germaphobia, is not a fear of germs for the sake of fearing germs. it is a fear of being contaminated, sick, or infected, whether it be through other people or through the environment. symptoms of mysophobia include but are not limited to obsessive handwashing, an extreme avoidance of places that are deemed unclean, and excessive planning to avoid contamination. this separates it from ocd in that ocd involves ritualistic behaviours (like handwashing) to ease anxiety, whereas mysophobia involves these ritualistic behaviours to actually make the area cleaner. to summarize, mysophobic actions are directly related to the fear of contracting an illness.

okay, kids, what have we learned?

though ocd can be accompanied by mysophobia, the two of them are not synonymous. ocd is a pattern of obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours designed to ease anxiety surrounding those thoughts.

there are lots of comorbidities present with ocd and other disorders lilian has, such as autism spectrum disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, eating disorders, and psychotic disorders.

mysophobia is more accurately defined as being afraid of being infected or contaminated. mysophobic compulsions relate directly to the desire to eliminate contaminants, rather than being a self-soothing action to reduce anxiety.

now that we’ve laid the groundwork for analyzing lilian’s behaviour, let’s dive into canon. what can we say about lilian’s anxious preoccupations? what excessive planning does she undergo to avoid contact with germs? and, most importantly, why is she perfectly fine with holding vincent’s hand? (it’s still bad writing, but i found an explanation that makes it better)

the most obvious sign of both ocd and mysophobia present in canon is lilian’s intense preoccupation with handwashing. we only see this happen once, in hello charlotte 2.

i’ve removed some sections for the sake of length, but here are some revealing lines from lilian:

My fellow students smashed my head into a worm soup.

I can’t [stop washing my hands]. I’ve washed off [most] of the soup, but I still feel dirtied.

In fact, everything I touch feels contaminated. I can’t just shake off the feeling of disgust.

between ocd and mysophobia, this reaction seems very solidly linked to the latter. lilian’s head was dunked into soup, and she felt disgusted and contaminated, so she began to obsessively wash the soup away. the only other place where handwashing is mentioned is in lilian’s mind exhibition in hello charlotte 3.

in this poem, lilian attributes her handwashing to her ocd, where she writes, “wash and repeat! it’s not enough!” she doesn’t state in this poem if she does this to reduce the possibility of getting sick or if she does this as a compulsive ritual. both interpretations are plausible, given the vague statement “it’s not enough!”. perhaps it’s not enough because she still feels contaminated, or it’s not enough because she has not been rid of the anxiety caused by her intrusive thoughts. maybe it’s a little bit of both.

however, excessive handwashing does not a disorder make. sure, lilian washes her hands until they blister, but why? what is she trying to avoid? in the example in hello charlotte 2, she’s washing off soup. this is a direct response to an uncomfortable situation and not to an anxious preoccupation. in her poem, she offers no hint as to what is causing her so much anxiety that she needs to wash her hands compulsively. and once you start to pick through her behaviour in search of a thread of obsessive thinking, it starts to become clear that there might not be one.

the truth is, lilian’s actions in canon are generally inconsistent given the definitions listed above. her touch aversion is implied to be caused by her mysophobia, but she has no real plan for avoiding touch besides wearing gloves, which she ditches anyway when touching vincent. in heaven’s gate, it’s implied to be more of an aromantic or asexual thing. (i say aromantic because the scene was a little weird about not dividing the line between romantic and sexual attraction, so even though lilian’s canonically asexual, the scene was actually talking about kissing and dating and might have just been a ploy to get nonconsensual kissing in because that’s apparently mandatory in like every game anri appears in.) but that doesn’t make much sense either, considering that platonic and otherwise non-sexual touch is also off-limits.

we return to the intense, excessive and obsessive nature of both ocd and mysophobia. passing fears of contamination or infection don’t classify as mysophobia, and vague and isolated anxieties don’t classify as ocd. the individual has to be intensely preoccupied by these thoughts. however, in canon, lilian is generally not preoccupied with getting sick or dirty until it actually happens to her. her goal in life is to become a doctor, a profession that involves repeated and close contact with infectious diseases. she also takes care of her bedridden mother, which in many cases involves helping the individual with their personal hygiene. her mother is the reason why she wants to become a doctor in the first place, and since anri knows about this dream, it’s fairly safe to assume that this is lilian’s own dream, not scarlett’s. however, in hello charlotte 3, when q84 is wounded, she asks lilian to treat her wounds, and lilian’s response is as follows:

this is further reinforced when q84 is decomposing after having used her wish, and umbrella man states that lilian is fighting the urge to vomit. however, in the infirmary scene, lilian is quite comfortable with being physically close to q84, even when there is a possibility for skin contact. note how charlotte’s hair (which has the possibility of carrying bacteria, skin flakes, etc.) is close to lilian’s face, but how lilian seems quite content, even relaxed.

this is stressful! what is the truth?

on top of that, we know for a fact that, despite being mysophobic, lilian has no issue (at least in hello charlotte 2) with using public bathrooms at school, something that is generally a huge obstacle for people struggling with mysophobia. in true realm, this is never addressed, which lends credence to the idea that she simply doesn’t worry about the transmission of germs in shared spaces like bathrooms, nor is she worried at all about using anri’s smartphone to take blackmail pictures when screens are generally a hotbed of germs. we could say that she makes such liberal use of her gloves that she doesn’t even think about the germs living on them (unlikely), but then she’d likely have a panic attack when she does things like touch her face, which she does in at least one of her sprites.

in fact, the only thought she has about cleanliness in true realm flashbacks is in one of the final ones. she thinks the following: “we lie on the floor for a long time. i briefly wonder if it’s properly vacuumed.” this is, like, a normal thought. i can’t stress enough how normal this thought is and how quickly this thought passes. i cannot stress enough how little she cares about the cleanliness of this floor.

so, like, what gives? why does lilian wear gloves? why does she say she’s squeamish in false realm or want to throw up when holding charlotte? and most importantly, how is she mysophobic when she doesn’t seem to fear germs at all?

the answer fucking blew my mind, folks. are you ready? here it is.

This world is swarming with parasites. Tiny. Invisible. Tenacious. Once they outwit your immune system, they eat you from the inside. Use you as an incubator for their offspring. Control your mind and alter your personality. They keep reproducing, and reproducing, and reproducing, endlessly reproducing. Until every single person is consumed by the disease.

from this excerpt, we can glean the following:

the parasite lilian is describing is a disease that targets the immune system;

the parasite functions by controlling its host like a puppet and altering aspects of their personality, potentially causing them to act in a way that is uncharacteristic; and

the parasite’s goal is to reproduce and to eventually infect everyone in the world.

these are the very first lines in the very first flashback to true realm. an echoing of these very lines are found later, when lilian is saying them to q84. note that, according to etherane, it has been many, many years since these words have first been uttered. but lilian manages to quote them verbatim. given that she can recite these lines perfectly years after her death, it seems that this is a comforting mantra about the world’s truths. and from that, we can gather that repeating this mantra is one of her compulsions, alongside handwashing.

this is it. this is the root of lilian’s mysophobia. these lines accurately explain a pervasive delusion that manifests both in lilian’s thoughts and in her visual hallucinations. more accurately, it is the mantra that describes the “o” in lilian’s ocd and the illness that causes her mysophobia. the parasite is the disease she’s afraid of contracting, and that fear is the intrusive thought that brings her so much anxiety. i tried to compile a list of all the times lilian or someone modelled after her has mentioned contamination, a preoccupation with purity, a parasite, a tumour, rottenness, or anything relating to this core concept, but there was just... so much. the entire world of hello charlotte is based around parasites and mind control. the deus ex machina of this world is a parasite itself. all charlottes have the disease. this world is literally obsessed with the delusion lilian’s held her whole life.

and now that we’ve framed it like that... is it any wonder that this is the obsessive thought? something we’d previously assumed to be a persistent metaphor is actually an intense preoccupation. lilian’s inconsistent actions in canon make sense because she’s not worried about contracting a physical illness, but rather a mental one that’s linked to a persistent delusion of hers. throughout canon, we see no instances of lilian questioning this belief, leading her to be classified as having absent insight/delusional beliefs.

before i continue, i want to mention that the pitfall many hello charlotte fans fall into, and the one i myself have fallen into in the past, is assuming that lilian was always unable to touch others. though she wears gloves throughout the entirety of the true realm flashbacks, she was actually alright with making contact with others up until a specific point in her life. and, interestingly enough, it was not vincent's death that spurred on this change. a full three months pass between his death and the time when lilian's mental health took a nosedive. the critical moment of change involves the very last flashback: 531 days before the trial.

lilian and anri decide to run away together. however, lilian was actually planning a double suicide. upon learning this, anri grows agitated, punching lilian and pinning her down to the floor. it's at this point that lilian realizes anri's feelings for her. after anri kisses her, she becomes a parasite. when lilian gets home, she checks on mother and realizes that mother has become a parasite as well.

from this day onwards, lilian begins to see everyone in her life as a parasite. she says it herself: "That moment I realized. I could never touch a human being ever again." this is the start of her intense touch aversion and marks the beginning of the end of her life. it’s at this point that lilian becomes physically repulsed by everyone around her and the environment she exists in, and these feelings generally persist, albeit on a lesser scale, in false realm.

but what is the parasite? in true realm, the parasite is only described in lilian’s mantra, but there are several nuances to the definition that go unexplained. however, in false realm, parasites take a variety of forms. similarly to how scarlett and umbrella man are reflections of lilian’s inner self that take shape as their own entities within false realm, lilian’s definitions for what a parasite is also breaks off and takes shape into various different forms after her death. when we examine what parasites are in false realm, we can begin to understand what makes someone turn into a physical deformity in lilian’s eyes and why she’s so afraid of the parasite in the first place.

there are three kinds of deformities in false realm. there is the oracle (left), the bullies (upper-right), and the faceless (lower-right). these are not all official terms, but they’ll be the ones that i use going forward.

the oracle is the entity that most closely follows the original logic of the mantra — it is an entity that rapidly multiplies (either through a race like the pythias or organically through cell division as it does in hello charlotte 3) and forms a collective out of several individuals. hello charlotte 2 explains that unification of a civilization is an arduous and painful procedure involving the slow loss of individuality until the race completely submits to the will of the parasitic host. the oracle is, to summarize, an entity that can “control your mind and alter your personality”. the oracle is the only parasite that ever enters another’s body. the other two forms of parasites are never called parasites themselves, but show visible deformities that house tenants and other important characters do not.

the faceless visually signify a lack of importance. these people do not do anything special. in some cases, they appear as a literal amalgamate, showing a hive-mindedness even if they are not being controlled by the oracle. these individuals are usually treated neutrally, and are not generally considered “bad”. they are simply narratively unimportant. by contrast, bullies do have faces, but they are vastly distorted and exhibit bright colouring. i may talk a bit more in a future post about colour symbolism and how it plays into both lilian’s and q84′s mysophobias, but to briefly summarize: the presence of colour is considered a contaminant, whereas white is considered an absence of colour and therefore “pure”. therefore, the brightly-coloured bullies are contaminated. these individuals show corrupted behaviour. they hurt others for personal gain, and are generally considered irredeemable.

in true realm, however, we see no such stylistic distinction. however, though they are not represented visually, the parasites in true realm show the same patterns as the oracle, the bullies, and the faceless. .

now that we have determined what the parasite is, we can determine how the parasite spreads. as previously stated, the parasite does not spread through shared surfaces or skin contact, as normal viruses do. lilian herself seems to treat it like it's just chance, like the parasite just chose to infect people randomly. but there are some things that she says that lends credence to the idea that the parasite is discriminate. after all, though her delusional belief is that the parasite will attach itself to any host it comes into contact with, this delusional belief did come from somewhere. and after examining the process of contamination over the course of the two or so years we see of her life, i believe this belief stemmed from her black-and-white views on good and evil and her penchant to see life as a narrative.

the first outcropping of parasites in lilian’s life were likely the faceless. she seems much less perturbed by them, and seem to view them as simply background pieces. this may be because of her belief in “protagonist” characters. in false realm, q84 makes liberal use of the term “npcs”, though all charlottes seem to have a concept of other students being faceless and subservient to them. this is a tenuous connection, but i believe lilian shares a similar belief. she may consider others "narratively unimportant”; that is, lacking direction or initiative, or perhaps simply not making an impact. she prides herself on being an observer, but she is undeniably the self-hating protagonist of her story. she says that if there is an afterlife, she doesn’t want to be its protagonist. this implies that on some level, she’s considered herself the protagonist of her own life. it’s definitely plausible given lilian’s tendency to project negative traits on others for her to see herself as comparatively good or blameless. by placing her own negative traits onto scarlett, for example, lilian creates a shaky ideal self. in other words, she creates a somewhat worthy protagonist.

and worthiness is incredibly important to lilian. a strong recurring theme in hello charlotte is the notion of “goodness”, especially when it relates to being polite. for example, in hello charlotte 1, a door refuses to open for you if you don't say please, and will call you insolent. all charlottes strive to be a “good girl” because their mothers told them to. interestingly enough, this is also what lilith tells lilian in true realm. since all charlottes have this strict adherence to being a good girl, this must have been very impactful for lilian. being considered “good” must have been very important to her. and being considered “bad” must have been similarly devastating.

knowing that charlotte is lilian's self-insert oc makes things even clearer. charlotte embodies an extreme selflessness, wanting to sacrifice herself for the good of others at any cost. any desire she has to be saved is rapidly dismissed as selfish, and she repeatedly states that she doesn't want to be a burden. charlotte's character makes a clear statement: good people are not burdensome. good people have faith in humanity. good people believe in others, and they help others even if the other person doesn’t deserve it.

the delusion is lilian’s failsafe. it’s her way of ensuring that she could never consider herself a bad person or a burden. in creating the narrative of a contagious parasite infecting the world, lilian is protecting herself from personal responsibility, both in herself and in others. instead of maintaining her belief that some people are evil, which she would consider a Bad Belief to have, she believes that they have simply caught a contagious disease. the bad-person disease, if you will. and since that disease alters the mind and personality of its hosts, these people are not directly responsible for their actions. here, lilian is absolved of hating people who hurt others. now, like charlotte, she can simply wish for their recovery. because they aren’t choosing to hurt others. they’re being manipulated into it by an invisible, malicious, contagious puppeteer.

a similar logic is applied to those lilian finds burdensome. since good people, in her eyes, can make themselves a martyr no matter the circumstances, it would be considered very bad if lilian could not do the same. this is evidenced when mother turns into a parasite. in that scene, lilian thinks the following:

It'd be easier if my mom was a workaholic who was never home. It'd be easier if we hated each other. It'd be easier if I didn't remember the days when she was still full of energy. Who would want to admit [to] their parent giving up on life and slowly rotting in the bedroom? Who would admit to thinking of their only parent as a parasitic existence? After that day, nothing was the same anymore.

in this instance, the word “parasite” is used to describe a leech, someone who constantly takes and never gives back. and in using this word to describe them, lilian relegates them in her mind as bullies, because she can’t admit to feeling burdened.

we see this also in anri. it’s not the physical action of the kiss that turns anri into a parasite. it’s the realization that anri has always had ulterior motives, that anri expects something of lilian. and lilian, feeling burdened, projects her own guilt about her lack of reciprocation onto anri. even at the end of her life, when she’s in the ocean, she reveals that one of her greatest regrets is not being able to reciprocate anri’s feelings.

vincent, on the other hand, is a charming stranger. he never gives lilian any reason to suspect that he may have ulterior motives. he’s successful, driven, popular, and talented. in many ways, he’s everything lilian wants to be. and since she doesn’t meet him for a long time, she can imagine him to be simply “the blinding icon on her screen“. she can project anything she wants onto him, and she chooses to project hope onto him. with his politeness, his charm, his compliments, he appears to be the ideal human. like lilian, he has managed to avoid being infected by the parasite. lilian grows attached to this interpretation, just as she grows attached to the mutuality of her friendship with anri, and just as she grows attached to her love for her mother. lilian doesn’t want to think of these people as parasites. in vincent’s case, he dies before he ever gets the chance to burden her. rather, he leaves her with the guilt of not being able to follow him and a misplaced idolatry of him and his beliefs.

the parasite, being a visual representation of perceived evil intent, seems to be non-contagious in nature. this doesn’t change, though, that lilian believes it is contagious. she wants to spend time with people she has deemed good, and to avoid bullies. however, the simple act of feeling burdened is enough to make lilian believe that the parasite is spreading at a breakneck rate and that the world she lives in is becoming more and more contaminated. once she feels she’s lost her support system, the parasite begins to spread, and she begins to feel less and less inherently good. it’s clear that the people around her had a stabilizing effect on her. but once she feels abandoned, her unhealthy coping mechanisms begin to catch up to her. lilian describes herself as filthy by the end of her life, and it’s very likely that she feared becoming a parasite herself if she were to continue down the path she was on.

the last piece of the puzzle is this: what saved anri and mother for so long, and what saved vincent from becoming a parasite altogether? after all, anri is a perfect candidate for developing the parasite, and arguably, so is mother. both of them rely on lilian for different things, and anri actively engages in blackmail. it would be simple as well to see c as disingenuous or fake. but lilian doesn’t entertain any of those thoughts, either for a very long time or at all. why?

the answer is simple. the people that lilian loves are less likely to be infected by the parasite. even if they are infected, she is kinder to them. after anri says she’ll leave lilian, after her confession and her subsequent contamination, lilian lets anri cuddle her. she even hugs anri tightly before they part, and keeps in contact with her until... well, just before she commits suicide. despite the relationship between lilian and her mother being one-sided, lilian holds onto pleasant memories of her mother because she doesn’t want to believe that she could feel burdened. and lilian is so attached to her love for c that she doesn’t see anything wrong with him.

all of this is to say that lilian’s touch aversion does not stem from physical cleanliness, but rather her perception of the other’s purity. this means that she’s not only willing to touch others if she deems them a “good person”, but that she is actively okay with it. this is evidenced even in false realm, where she is alright with exchanging casual moments of intimacy with charlotte and q84, such as in the “take my hand” scene and in the infirmary scene. since she loves these individuals, she sees them as inherently better people than she would if she viewed them objectively. this is a game-changer when it comes to touch-aversion. with respect to the charles/vincent ships where lilian’s okay with kissing... that’s a different story. even though saliva may not trigger her mysophobia, we’ve seen on multiple occasions both in canon and in heaven’s gate that lilian is indifferent to mouth-kissing at best. however, she is definitely comfortable with some displays of physical affection with those she cares for, and is generally willing to excuse much more when it comes to those she loves.

thank you for reading this post in its entirety! i did not expect it to get this long, so if you got to the end, i just want you to know i love and appreciate you SO much

[itsybitsylemonsqueezy]

Oh gosh i literally LOVE your analysis thank you. And what about Majima??

Awww, thank you very much ^^; I’ve been having a good time writing these, I”m glad people are enjoying them. And everybody’s free to ask for seconds too, if interested. *breathes deep* Hoo boy, you pulling out the big guns there. Okay lads, settle down, it’ll be awhile. 

character: hate them | don’t really care | like them | LOVE them | THEY ARE MY PRECIOUS

I would give my life for Majima Goro. But I won’t because that would trigger him to fuck and back. Best boy, golden son, I am mad fucked up about him. I don’t even have time to explain all my feelings about Majima fucking Goro. You can tell because I can’t go a single fucking post without mentioning him. *whispers* I love him. 

ship with: Y’know how sometimes things are popular and you don’t get why? This is not one of those times. It’s cliche, but Kiryu Kazuma is the popular option here For A Reason. Like, I started Zero not knowing a fucking thing about Yakuza, as I think many do. And I wasn’t at all sure how Majima and Kiryu were going to be with each other, I had heard that they were the going ship and that seemed legit enough. Kiryu’s a nice boy, Majima’s a nice boy, they’d probably get on. But you make it through Zero and they don’t meet, not even once. They vaguely hear about each other and if they thought enough about it, they’d probably figure out that each other was holding the other half of their story, but there’s only that 5 second meeting in the epilogue, after the entire game is already fucking over and... Oh Shit. 

That, my many gendered gentry, was an imprinting in live time. 

But first, let’s back up a second, because I bet you’re all wondering about the Other important love in Majima’s life. So Makoto, Makoto... As I discussed in my Saejima post, after Anagura, Majima is living to die. That’s it, that’s his only goal in life, to get back into Tojo and wait there so his brother knows where to find him when he comes to kill him. He’s not looking for any other attachments in life. Because that’s the way Majima loves, body and soul, his whole existence dedicated around one thing. And he’s already signed himself up for sacrificing himself as repayment for Saejima’s sins and wasted years in prison. But then this... tragedy happens. This hit that isn’t a hit, this villain that’s really a victim. Everything goes wrong and Majima is left with do I commit the unthinkable to shorten my wait for my brother or do I forgo my brother’s rightful revenge to save this innocent? And Majima can’t. He can’t. 

He could never kill and he can’t turn his back on someone who needs help. And she does need him, specifically, there’s no one else. Anyone else couldn’t be trusted, or if they can be trusted, they’re dead. Majima is the only person he and Makoto can trust so he’s just here, doing his best, trying to keep her alive in the face of everything he wants and all the power and hate the underworld of Japan can offer. He would sacrifice his one goal of staying alive for his brother if it means keeping Makoto safe. Is that love? Oh yes, but not the livable kind. You don’t come back from that kind of dedication. Majima loves Makoto as gods love: completely. It is without judgment and without reason. That’s not the love of one finite person to another finite person, admitting, exploring, and cherishing all the flaws and limits therein, it’s not even the love of a parent to a child or vice versa. It is infinite love, all-consuming and all-destroying. It is not cognizant of personality, worthiness, or risk. It just is. In many ways, Majima does not know Makoto, he doesn’t see her, neither, ironically, does she see him. These are not two equals of mutual interest enjoying who each other is. This is a far less personal and far more profound experience. It’s like a calling, a quest. And it’s not something a stable relationship can be built on because it doesn’t actually have anything to do with who Makoto is in her day-to-day life or who Majima is in his embodied, finite experience. This is love as a philosophical point, as a moral decision. 

It is the greatest thing I’ve seen in my life that he lets her go. That sort of love will destroy you if you let it, it crushes your existence, your personality and sense of self, entirely into that of another. And you can’t live as a part of someone else, you cannot actually live for someone else, not sustainably, no matter how badly you want to. It’s the strongest thing I’ve ever seen done that Majima has the power to walk away from her and walk away from that sweet, blinding death. To choose a finite, flawed, embodied, but his own individual existence rather than let himself be consumed in an idea. And that they walk away from each other where they can both survive it. Where the idea of what was and what might have been doesn’t drive them into despair of all earthly, finite joys. Because who would choose to have a normal, dirty, working life where you are required each day to be an individual with your own wants and desires that are spurned and rewarded by turns of luck rather than the pure, golden existence of perfect moral agape? And I’m so glad that they walked away before they could be blinded by it, again, ironically enough. 

But the fact that Majima is capable of that level of love is truly terrifying. And then how fascinating that he walks away from it. That he chooses a harder, darker life that will have the normal range of joys and disappointments. The restraint it takes. The incredible, unbending sense of self and to decide that there are selfish, individual things worth caring about, even if you had the chance to become selfless for the rest of your life. I don’t think we talk about or think about that Majima walking away there was a moral choice. He wasn’t walking away from happiness, he was walking towards a different happiness. And, most importantly of all, even though he is still waiting to be killed by his brother, the fact that he walked away means that Majima is much healthier and much less self-destructive than he was at the beginning of Zero. He could have escaped it all if he went with her. But he doesn’t. And that fucking blows my mind.

I love that Majima grows after Zero. That his absolute nihilism changes as he allows himself to care about people again, maybe even care about himself again. Especially after Shimano’s death, he starts to develop relationships and things that he cares about as soon as it is safe to do so. He decides that he isn’t going to waste away waiting for his brother, he will live in this time, even if it has an expiration date. He will build something he cares about. And I think, in no small part, knowing Kiryu gives him the courage and the will to do so.

Because Kiryu is this shooting star in the dark night of Majima’s world. He is this mighty pillar standing amidst slag and waste. Kiryu does things that are right because they are right, with no thought to his own gain or risk. Kiryu does things that are right at tremendous personal risk and will fight through people trying to stop him. And Kiryu will win. Not only does Kiryu agree with the way Majima thinks and feels but, mother of god, eh actually has the power and strength to survive. 

Think about that. You’re Majima Goro and every day since you became yakuza, you have been kicked down, tortured, and abused just because you wanted to do the right thing. You have watched countless friends, allies, and enemies be shot and killed in front of you because they were trying to do the right thing. You have no choice but to do right in the secret places of your heart, to do good only in ways that can never be traced back to you, in ways no one would confuse for being good, kind things. Because it will get you killed, or worse, it will get the people around you killed. It’s not paranoia, you’ve seen it happen, your nightmares are filled to the brim with the blood and horror or good people dying just because they were good and it’s your fault, it’s all your fault because you didn’t warn them, you let them get close, you let them see you were a good person and you can NEVER. EVER. let that happen to anyone again. 

And then there’s Kiryu. Stupid, mutton-headed freak with the arms of a lumberjack and a heart as white as lilies. He’ll be dead tomorrow, you know it. He’s too good, he’s too kind, and he’s not afraid. He’s not damn near afraid enough. He has no idea what’s waiting out there to snap him to pieces. But he’s there tomorrow. Not even a scratch on him, still standing, still strong. You try to warn him, you try to beat him in a way he can survive so that he learns to never try to be good again. But he beats you. He actually fucking beats you and what the fuck are you supposed to do with that? He’ll still die anyway, there’s no way he’ll live where so many have been slaughtered. And he’s still there tomorrow. You pester him, you follow him, you watch him closely, to see what he does, who he is, how is it he’s still alive? It must be some trick, he’s either not as good as you think he is or not as strong or, or... something! Because it’s impossible, it’s impossible that anyone could, that anyone could... 

And he smiles. He smiles at you, like he can see right down to that tiny, beating, pure heart you’re trying every second to wrap in barbed wire. And you’re done. You’re fucking done for. He smiles and... it’s all fucking over. Whatever happens now, whether he dies or lives, it’s too late. He’s everything you ever wanted and it breaks you that he, somehow, wants you too. Because who would smile at you if they didn’t know you? Oh, he’s dumb as rocks still, but... the way he looks at you, in those moments when you fuck up, in those moments that if someone was watching, they would see you. And he sees you. And worse, he thinks he likes it. And... oh god. You love him. This will all end in tears. 

But it doesn’t. Kiryu’s alive and the same and that’s... that’s wonderful. And that’s the love of two people, two people who see each other and know each other and, god help them, like each other. Despite it all, the risk and worry and the problems, they just... get along. That’s why I ship it. 

(I also ship Kiryu/Majima/Tachibana sometimes and we’ll save my essay on that for an entirely different post.)

brotp: Saejima Taiga, obvs. I will not repeat my sentiments on why that’s the brotp here, there’s the Saejima post for that. But I also put Nishida and Kage right up there as Majima’s best bros. You got Nishida out here doing his best to keep his boss from dying and facilitating Majima’s ridiculous courtship ploys and trying to articulate Majima’s feelings for him when Majima Won’t because Nishida cares So Fucking Much about Majima. And he knows that Mjima hates it when people care about him, he knows Majima actively does tno want you to like him but... Nishida’ worked with him for too long not to know what a good, kind person Majima really sis, even if he’s trying his best not to show it. And god damn it, but Nishida’s not going to let him live in misery when he’s got a heart of gold like that. 

And Kage too, he and Majima look out for each other. They enjoy the odd cage match and a morose drink of fine liquor. They’ve both seen tragedy in their lives and Kage tries his best to convince Majima not to give up all hope. That Kiryu boy, he really likes him. Even Kage can see it. He’d be happy to... no, no, alright. Just thought he’d say. 

Because Majima has that effect on people. He makes friends wherever he goes because he’s a good time, he’s generous and kind and has a knack for picking up people who are down. And he’d do anything for you if you didn’t have a friend in the world. He has so much love to gives and slowly, slowly, with time and healing, with the death of Shimano and the return of his brother, slowly Majima is allowed to feel safe in loving people once more. And it warms everyone’s heart to see him happy and whole with a family and friends. Everyone he’s touched just wants him to be okay, after all he’s done for the world, please, just give him this little bit. It’s all he ever wanted.

general opinions: I Am Love. I LOvE HiM. I lOVe. I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE. I Love HIm. *sobs*

[vagarius]

misukazu 21

(if you saw me fuck up the other one no you didnt)

EDIT I THINK THIS ONE GOT A LITTLE FUCKED UP TOO BUT IT’S... READABLE...

questions from this post, and answers originally written for this thread!!

If you had to change the pairing’s very first meeting, how would you change it?    their canon first meeting is already so good SHDGFLJASHG but if i had to choose a different one that's still within the context of mankai... meeting as kids and losing touch and coming back together completely different at mankai

What song fits your pairing the most?    uhhHHhhHHH i don't have a real answer but i do have a partial playlist for one of my misukazu aus and the only two songs in it are furaregai girl by sayuri and champagne's for celebrating by mayday parade and i feel like that says enough sldhgalsdhfalsh

What is your favorite AU/prompt idea/trope for your pairing?     ALL MISUKAZU AUS ARE GOOD but. i really love any au where their first meeting is in the future and both are still kind of lost but they're Older and it's hard to let themselves fall into the easy trust they find in canon. i just think that'd be neat.

Do you prefer canon ideas or do you have your own headcanons for them?     I'VE SAID THIS MANY TIMES BUT CANON MISUKAZU GIVES OFF MADE FOR EACH OTHER VIBES AND USUALLY I DON'T VIBE WITH THAT BUT THEY REALLY ARE WHAT THE OTHER NEEDS... AND I THINK EVEN IF THEY HAD TO PART THEY'D STILL BE ABLE TO BE BETTER PEOPLE BC THEY HAD MET

Favorite canon moment of them?     THERE ARE SO MANY but the one that immediately comes to mind is misumi carrying drunk kazu to bed (latest bday line) because drunk kazu is so soft and it implies that misumi wanted to wish happy birthday to kazu pretty late... what did he want to give him...

Least favorite canon moment of them?     hmm... there's not really one i can think of??? IM SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY I LOVE ALL THEIR CANON MOMENTS

Favorite headcanon trope/idea? (Your own or someone else’s)    this is somehow both vague and very specific but i think misukazu gives off this vibe: He's beautiful. I can't tell him. or "Kazu is always beautiful~" Don't call me that, Kazu thinks. I'm not. so... insecurities i guess ????? AJSHAJJD

Favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics?     THIS IS GOING TO SOUND SO CHEESY but i love how /real/ they allow themselves to be around each other. misukazu at their best is when one thinks "you're you. and i love that you" and the other knows this. i just. THEY VALIDATE THE OTHER SO MUCH CRIES

Least favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics? (Can be headcannon)     this isn't a "least fav" so much as "it makes me sad" but if either of them showed any sign of not being interested anymore the other is more likely to give up then push anything. sort of like "it was bound to happen, so i'll enjoy now until they drop me" or EVEN WORSE they think the other would be better off without them and pushes them away. so yeah the fact i can see one of these happening makes me sad.

If they aren’t a canon pairing, how would you get them together?     they give off "everyone knows we're dating but us" energy but at the same time i feel like they'd acknowledge there's something and just not define it bc a) they don't need to (misumi) or b) they're too nervous to (kazu). in other words i think one day they are holding hands and misumi says "kazu? is this dating?" and kazu holds his breath before asking "do you want it to be?"

If you had to take them and plunk them into another fandom, what fandom would that be? Why?     i think theyd be hilarious in any sports animanga (kazu is manager tho bc noodle arms but maybe they bond when misumi walks him through some of his usual training menu one night - ahem. anyway) BUT ALSO horimiya au...

How hard is it write/draw your pairing? Scale of 1-10.     AJDHAJDHSF I REALLY LOVE THEM SO IT COMES PRETTY EASILY... but sometimes you try to put them in tropes and realize they would Just Not Work Like That. idk where i'm going with this. but yeah. anyway 3 for sankaku.

Is there a pairing that you think rivals them?     in terms of what i ship, i tend to ship kazu and misumi individually with a lot of dif charas AJDHAKD. but in terms of like... in-universe "rival" pairings: kazu side: tsuzukazu (maybe, lbr it would take them 273924 yrs to actually get together), kazu x someone from winter (i... have my reasons but they'd take longer than what this answer entails) misumi side: ... surprisingly none that i can think of ahdjahd

Which character of the pairing do you like more? (Would you ever pair yourself with them?)     you know that tweet that's like "sometimes a ship is just your two favs"? yeah that's misukazu for me. but if i had to choose... misumi AJDHAJHDSF I HONESTLY WASNT THAT INTO YUME UNTIL THESE TWO CAME AROUND (NOT COUNTING 707)... but yeah if they wanted to hold me in their arms i wouldn't oppose

Which character of your pairing would be the one to break up with the other? Why?     OOOOOH BOY well. i think it could be either of them. i don't think they'd break up for lack of love but too much love and wanting the other to be happy and thinking that the only way to give them that is to let them go. so i guess the question is which of them would be more likely to be selfish and hold on. thinking this way, i think misumi would be more likely to break-up, bc kazu has lots of friends who are better than him!! and misumi is more ready to leave if he thinks he needs to than kazu is. now im sad.

Are they relatable as characters or as a pairing?     THE NUMBER OF TIMES I'VE BEEN CALLED KAZU KIN... in all seriousness kazu's struggles with speaking out and (shinobi spoilers) his uncertainty over his future hit real close to home... while i don't relate as much as misumi, his struggles always manage to tear my heart into pieces... ((oversharing alert) i guess what really separates me from misumi is his struggle with his desire to connect with family who has treated him poorly... whereas im more "lol fuck you") tldr i relate to kazu slightly more LOL

Did you once/ever dislike one/both of them?     i never disliked them but i was NOT expecting either of them to shoot up so quickly into my favs list ahdjahdjf. also i started shipping them Immediately After reading summer main story so there's that

On an estimate, how many posts have you made about them?    as of september 28th 2020 i make up 11/78 fics on ao3 in the romantic misukazu tag and 2/12 in the platonic one. i may have brainrot.

What made you decide to ship them?     TBH I FINISHED THE MAIN STORY AND WENT "OH MY GOD... THAT'S MY SHIP" but now that i'm here i continue to ship them because they have the potential to bring out both the best and the worst in each other and i'm all about that

Favorite genre for them? (Angst, fluff, etc.)     angst. i just. angst hurt/comfort all the way. im so sorry babies.

lol you thought there would just be 21 ANYWAY EXTRA 1: how do they spend breaks/vacation?    they'd travel a lot when they're older!! kazunari loves to travel and misumi would follow kazunari anywhere (also, new triangles!!) so they go somewhere new whenever they have the time. however i think eventually one or both of their future careers will take them anywhere and everywhere anyway, so their "ideal vacation" might turn into an evening in, cuddling and catching up (as if they didn't already send play-by-play updates over the phone of whatever they did during the day)

EXTRA 2: first date?     i don't they ever have an explicit first date, but if asked they'll cite the time they had a picnic in the park turned triangle hunt turned accidental dip in the duck pond. at least, kazunari will. misumi just tilts his head and wonders what you mean.

EXTRA 3: gifts?     IM FEELING REALLY CHEESY SO I'M MAKING THIS ABOUT ANNIVERSARY GIFTS they both end up getting each other jewelry (although kazu was really really nervous bc he wasn't sure if misumi would wear it). kazu gets misumi a bracelet (with triangles, of course although misumi only wears it sometimes because he doesn't want to lose it) and misumi gets kazu a pair of triangle earrings "so we can match!" and kazunari combusts at the implications

EXTRA 4: sharing clothes     THEY'RE ACTUALLY AROUND THE SAME SIZE (and tend to wear baggier stuff barring kazu's skinny jeans)... but they have completely different Styles so it's still really obvious when steal each other's stuff ahdjajdkaf. as cute as kazu would look in sumi's sweatshirt i think the much more likely scenario is kazu wrapping misumi in his jackets because this boy nEVER BRINGS HIS ANYWHERE anyway just. accidental shared wardrobe misukazu.

EXTRA 5: lake house au    consider: kazunari living in a house on the shore of a lake for a summer for Art Purposes (and a little bit for Dealing With Life purposes but he's not gonna admit that) and meets his lake neighbor misumi who kazu thinks might be a ghost or spirit for a while but he actually just lives further down the lake and misumi unknowingly helps kazu with his Life Issues and maybe they fall in love

[galaxy-bread345]

Part 3: Knife in the Back

Heres the part 3 analysis of Jak/Keira’s relationship. This last post will go over their interactions in Jak 3. More under the cut. 

This one should be relatively short compared to the others. I vaguely knew that Keira and Jak don’t really interact in 3 but after skimming the cutscenes she honestly doesn’t interact or talk to Jak very much which really stinks because this could have been the game that they work out their issues. Keira could have gone to the wastelands with Jak and Daxter. All three of them could have actually become friends. Keira could have not only been a mechanic but a racer as well which gives her and Jak something their both interested in to bond over. I don’t know why she wasn’t more heavily included in the game and instead Ashelin is turned into the love interest when its kinda already implied that both her and Torn are close. We then have both Torn and Ashelin acting like a couple in Jak X so it really doesn’t make sense. 

I don’t think the game developers intended it but theres a lot of negative implications with how Keira acts in the game. Specifically, is that she doesn’t act like a close friend or girlfriend would. The first interaction after Jak makes it back into the city shes sad, quiet, doesn’t speak to him but looks regretful. Secondish interactions they’re back to back she is a supportive friend congratulating him, having his back and all that. Third interaction is at the end when she shows up with everyone else to send off the Precursors but she doesn’t interact with him. The thing is that if she were to be as close to Jak as the narrative wants us to believe she is they don’t show it. Where was Keira when they were trying to kick him out? Where was Keira when Jak was left to die in the wastelands? Yeah, hes tough but she shouldn’t automatically assume he can handle anything anybody throws at him. Everybody has their breaking points and if Ashelin literally hadn’t given him the communicator so the wastelanders could find him he would have been dead. This goes for Samos too since he was Jak’s guardian figure growing up. Both of them should have done more to insure Jak’s safety and while Samos at the very least apologizes for not sticking up, Keira doesn’t. She doesn’t offer to go with him or try to sneak anything to him so that he has a better chance of surviving. She does absolutely nothing which is horrible especially considering in the last game she supposedly looked all over for him for two years and now she knows where hes being sent to but the chance of him actually surviving are slim so she does......nothing????? She can’t give him a locator, construct a vehicle or fuck it STEAL a vehicle and go after him?? She isn’t going to do anything to make sure her new boyfriend, is you know, alive??? But shes going to look regretful as shit as soon as he comes back to the city and obviously PiSsEd OfF that NO ONE had his back??? 

...............

 .......That is a huge red flag. 

Out of everyone Jak has known from the past Daxter is literally the only true friend because Daxter is ride or die. Daxter will literally throw himself into danger to make sure his best friend is okay. Daxter will stick by Jak’s side to make sure he doesn’t end up dead. Daxter didn’t have to go to the wastelands HE CHOSE TOO because he didn’t want to lost his best friend again!!!  If you are going to have a romantic partner you need to hold them accountable like you would your friends. Dax and Jak don’t put up with each others bullshit and will call each other out on it but they also make sure to have each other’s back and keep the other safe. Keria doesn’t have Jak’s back even if she says she does. None of her actions indicate that shes here for him through thick and thin. None of her actions indicate that she is going to stick her neck out for him. No, she doesn’t need to go on all the life threatening missions he does BUT if people are trying to kill him or blame him for something that wasn’t his fault i.e. the metalheads getting into the city and the city blaming Jak because of his connections to Krew then she needs to stick up for him. She needs to show that she cares about what happens to him. If she does think that he deserves to be punished for his actions i’m going to assume not by death  then they need to discuss what needs to happen next. She either supports him or she doesn’t, she can’t have both. Having her be happy and act like shes there for him later in the game when Veger is trying to vilify Jak again doesn’t make up for anything. Its not genuine at all and the only reason she says it is because shes supposed to be his girlfriend. 

I am going to blame crappy narrative writing and poor characterization for this one. Its hard like or even heavily dislike a character when the creators so clearly didn’t put the effort into making them a fully realized individual. 

Now I can’t really talk about Jak’s end of the relationship much since most of the game is him dealing with the end of the world and trying not to die. He’s not happy and after he meets up with Samos and Keira again he looks so disappointed. Most of his life lately has been people using him to further their own goals so to see the people who are supposed to be his friends say sorry but still expect him to fight..... its disheartening. They don’t question whether or not Jak will walk away, it doesn’t even cross their minds. When Ashelin apologizes to him he doesn’t care, hes in the war for his own personal reasons, so hes going to do what he needs to do. No matter how angry at the world Jak has been he will always fight for it. He’s been treated like shit and he wants to make the people in power pay so it doesn’t happen to him or anyone else again. This kid literally has a heart of fuckn gold. The fact that people rely on that aspect of Jak to carry them through is disgusting and its never resolved. Yes, its important to say sorry when you fuck up but it means nothing if you don’t take actions to make sure that mistake never happens again. Its fair to say that given everything hes been through Jak has trust issues. Hes wary of what people really want from him and doesn’t expect them to have his back. So to expect that Jak would forgive Samos and Keira after everything that has happened is wild. He should be mad with them and made it clear that they have a lot of making up to do before he can trust them again. Its also very telling at the end of the game where Jak pretends to go with the Precursors to prank everyone and then shows back up. He says “I couldn’t leave you Dax, you wouldn’t last a second without me”. Not only is this line a throwback to what Daxter said in the beginning when he joins Jak in exile but it also states that out of everyone Daxter is the only person he can’t leave behind. Everyone else he can get over but not Daxter. Its not Sig or Ashelin, its not his girlfriend Keira or his past care taker Samos, its Daxter his best friend in the whole world whose had his back from day one of the series.  

The reasons why Jak and Keira wouldn’t have a working relationship keep repeating themselves and can be simplified down to: 

non-existent friendship 

horrible communication

no emotional investment in each other

interactions depend on the other providing a service

trust issues

not taking the time to understands each others traumatic experiences

I can only assume that they are a couple because the creators of the series wanted it even though the narrative clearly shows that the relationship would be toxic as fuck. After watching the cutscenes for Jak X I don’t think its necessary for me to go into detail about it since most of it is just flirting. None of the issues brought up in Jak 2 are resolved and Keira never blatantly apologizes to Jak about him being exiled. Jak never tries to be an actual friend to Keria and seems to be only attracted to her because of her looks/ vehicles she provides him. I think with better writing these two could have a functioning and healthy relationship. Even though in canon they aren’t good for each other I encourage people who like this ship to write a better relationship for them. If you read all three lengthy posts I’m proud of you and thank you for coming to my TedTalk. 

[my-whumpy-little-heart]

Persistence - 10

@badthingshappenbingo square “Attacked in their sleep”

(white dots are requested, red dots are filled. Request with an ask, specific story or character optional)

Find the masterlist for this series here! We’re finally back with the other crew this chapter. We haven’t seen them in, like, four chapters so you can read chapter five if you need a refresher on what they’ve been up to.

Tag list (ask to be added or removed): @whump-tr0pes, @burtlederp, @castielamigos-whump-side-blog, @doitforthewhump, @shameless-whumper, @endless-whump, @theycomeinthrees, @faewhump, @lonesome--hunter 

CW: consensual and nonsexual nudity, dealing with emotions in an unhealthy way, ambush, mild gore in descriptions of bleeding, death, misguided killing? sorta? it’s complicated.

“See you in the morning,” he spat, slamming Floyd’s head against the wall and adjusting something on his collar before leaving with the rest of the soup and muttering to himself on his way out.

“Enjoy your nap.”

(Meanwhile, back on The Thief’s Halyard)

Ray wiped the sheen of sweat off his brow, stepping into the cabins. It had been a long day after the sleepless night that preceded it, and the coming night would only feel longer. It didn’t seem like anyone else around him could feel it, but the atmosphere had changed drastically since Floyd… wasn’t there.

The blue skies were grayer, and the sun crossing the sky was a scalding reminder that time was still passing. The pep and joy so commonly passed around the ship dissipated into vague anxiety and what seemed like fear at Ray’s presence.  But that didn’t matter so much. Every moment they spent on this blind pursuit was another moment that anything could be happening, really, and it was taking time for that to settle in with everyone.

He hadn’t been hit that hard by the situation. He was still himself. Nobody had any reason to think otherwise. He’d been a little more domineering since Floyd’s disappearance nearly two days before, but it wasn’t a major change. He’d always been a strong captain before this.

He wasn’t so sure why, despite all that, Clara had flinched away from his hand on her shoulder earlier.

Or why the majority of his crew wouldn’t make eye contact when they spoke.

He went out of his way to be down to earth and friendly. Nothing had changed about that.

He shook his head and cleared his thoughts when he stepped in front of Mabel’s door. No time for that now. Ray raised a hand to knock three times and turned the handle to let himself in since she couldn’t, or at least shouldn’t, get up to open it on her own. 

Inside, Mabel was laying down on her bed with Clara sitting by her side, hunched over a stool, expression tight with what looked like anxiety. Both raised their eyes as he stepped in. He felt like a silence had fallen because of his presence.

“Mabel, Clara,” he inclined his head to each of them, offering a tight smile which neither returned. “...am I interrupting anything? I can leave just the way I came and be back later.” There was no response for a few seconds and he was just about to leave anyway when Clara spoke up.

“No, you’re alright! I was just going to change Mabel’s bandages,” she said quickly, waving him in. Ray obliged with a small nod, closing the door gently behind him before taking a seat next to where his quartermaster lay. She lifted a hand for him as Clara peeled back heavy blankets to reveal her bandages, and he clasped it in his own. 

“Oh, do you mind…?” she glanced between Mabel and Ray, just then processing that she had opted to stay bare under the covers. 

“Ray’s fine. It’s been a long time since he was in the business of touching women, hasn’t it?” Mabel tilted her head, voice lifting to a light, joking tone. He didn’t seem to hear her at first, eyes foggy and staring off into the distance.

“...what? Oh, no, not for almost thirty years since I survived off of my mother’s milk,” Ray chuckled, but it was flat and forced. 

“Right,” Clara nodded as she peeled off Mabel’s bandages and got to work cleaning excess blood and re-wrapping the wound.

“So,” she winced at a cloth pressing against her side, reigniting the pain there, “how have things been with the crew? Everyone hard at work out there?” 

“Oh, you know, smooth sailing and all that,” Ray smiled sadly, but it melted off of his face, “everything’s sort of dreary, but it’s alright.” 

He squeezed Mabel’s hand and felt her squeeze back, fingers tracing silently over his, and lingering in the space where his left pinkie was missing. A wound from battle years ago that she had helped take care of. She’d taken care of him then, but he needed to take care of her now. He was doing all he could to deal with every other situation, so the least he could do was be a comforting presence and shove everything else down in the back of his mind where it belonged.

“But, well, I did catch James doing something pretty odd earlier,” Ray smiled again, and it stuck genuinely as he thought back to just hours before.

“Did you now?” she grinned, thrilled to hear gossip about her fellow crew members. No matter how much all of them bonded and shared with each other, they’d always have secrets that Ray and Mabel were eager to find out. They never encroached too far on the crew’s privacy, but sometimes it was too captivating to ignore.

“Of course. So we know that him and Edith definitely have something going on, but as it turns out…” he rambled on and on about how James obviously had an eye for Edith, but he’d been writing a letter to a former love, apparent in the swirling hearts drawn carefully across the front of the envelope. Mabel was wrapped up in his tale, but Clara evidently tried to tune it out as she worked. When she was finished Ray dismissed her, to her clear relief.

They chatted for a while after that, but evening came and soon a dark night swallowed the gentle light from the window. Ray left her to sleep, went back to his own quarters, and worked at his desk for hours into the night, a single candle burning the midnight oil.

                              ——————————————————

Ray woke later in the night with an aching soreness in his neck and his head pressed up against a hard surface that was decidedly not his pillow. His eyes fluttered open to see the wooden grain of his desk, illuminated only by the soft glow of a steadily burning candle. He’d fallen asleep while working.

It wasn’t surprising, given the minimal sleep he’d had for the past few days, but it was dangerous. Ray stood to meander over to his bed, forgetting about the candle as swiftly as he’d remembered it.

It struck him as strange when he felt a pressure on his legs and the chair rose along with him, but he didn’t realize exactly why until he felt the press of a blade through his clothing.

“Captain Raymond Bates of The Thief’s Halyard, sit your ass right the hell down!” someone shouted, and he balked at the vulgar command. He raised his hands in a silent surrender but didn’t sit. Looking down, he noticed that the chair was bound to his legs around his thighs, but not his ankles. A clear oversight considering he could still stand up, and his attacker seemed quite distressed that they’d forgotten this detail.

Assured by their mistake, he turned around and lowered his hands when he came face to face with two individuals. He couldn’t make out much in the dark, but the one on the other end of the sword, now pointed at his chest, was a tall woman with unkempt long hair. The other appeared male but had the same wild mane. Certainly not any major military force, then.

“Sit down! I won’t ask you again,” she growled, pressing the swordpoint harder into his chest. This lady definitely wanted something from him, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t kill him with a careless, rage induced blow. Slowly, Ray sat back in the chair.

“Who are you and what do you want?” he asked, voice deliberately light and collected. 

“Nobody you know. We just want the reward out for bringing your crew to justice and spearing your ugly ass head on a pike,” her eyes gleamed as she said it, but Ray was more concerned by the alleged reward for his crew than he was by the implication that she planned to kill him.

“I didn’t know I’d offended anyone so recently. Care to elaborate?” he asked. She shook her head with a smile.

“We know people,” the woman shrugged, “and they said they’d pay a handsome fuckin’ sum if we took out the children tugging at their coattails. So, you and your assistant are going to help us gather everyone up. If you don’t, we kill all of them.”

It took him a few seconds to realize what she meant, and even longer to realize there was only one person he’d been remotely bothering recently. How Percival had managed to get people on his trail already was beyond him, but they were here now and they were out for blood. He clenched his jaw before he could express too much and looked back up at her.

“Alright, I’ll help you. I look strange tied to this chair, though.” She looked him over for a second in consideration, called the other man standing guard back over, and sheathed her sword. 

“Fine. Just don’t you fucking dare try anything, got it?”

“Yeah. No funny business. Got it.” He moved his hands out of the way as she came closer, grasping the back of the chair. She bent her knee and reached for where the rope was knotted.

Just as she did, Ray shot up and spun, whipping her across the face with the chair legs. She cried out and scrambled to defend herself, but he quickly backpedaled and pinned her to the wall with the chair pressing hard into her chest. The woman was stunned temporarily, but by now the man had realized what was going on and rounded on him with his sword drawn. 

Ray raised his fists but realized there was no way to get a hit in past a blade, especially while still pinning someone to the wall. He spun again instead, deflecting the sword and knocking the man off balance. He careened towards the wall as Ray stumbled, almost tripping over himself as he tried to fetch his own rapier.

The chair tied around his thighs became more of a hindrance at that moment, weighing down his weary legs and dragging him even further off balance. By the time he was able to pick up his sword and draw it, the man was already upon him with the woman not far behind. 

Ray heard crashing down the hallway as he fought, swinging desperately at his opponent as he was slowly cornered. He felt strikes hit his arms, but no flare of pain came even after the blood flowed and stained his shirt. 

He took a step backwards, but the chair only pressed harder into his back as he realized he’d been run up against the wall. His bed to the left and the other wall to the right created the perfect trap, and he cursed himself for falling right into it. 

He was hopelessly overwhelmed, but at that moment a figure appeared in the doorway and rushed in. At first he thought it was another attacker, but they quickly shoved the woman to the side, pounding her head against the ground with an ear splitting crack that made the other man whirl around in surprise. Ray took his chance, plunging the rapier through his chest and pulling it back out just seconds later. 

Blood sprayed from the wound and he grimaced, looking past the body as it fell to see Mabel staring back at him. The first thing he noticed was the blood staining her dark skin, shimmering in the dim light of the candle. The second thing he noticed was that she was still nude except for the sword belt wrapped hastily around her waist. The third thing he noticed was that he could only see this because he still hadn’t blown out his damn candle. 

The adrenaline quickly faded when neither of their attackers rose from the floor, and Ray was frozen until his legs nearly buckled under the continued weight of the chair. He sat down, reaching for his knife on the nightstand to cut the ropes still holding him down. 

“Are you… alright?” Mabel asked, her voice rasping and not quite awake. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m… yeah, they attack you too?” he said, sawing quickly through what turned out to be fairly low quality rope. The fibers were rotted and stiff, loosely wound around each other. Ray made quick work of the makeshift bindings.

“Yep. Just one scrawny little thing; I knocked him out and ran to you,” she explained, helping him up once he freed himself. “Was the chair… what was the chair…?”

“They tied me to it,” Ray laughed, “told me they wanted to kill me, and I hit them with it. Probably should have let her untie it first.” 

“Maybe,” Mabel mused mockingly, only snapping out of the trance when they heard footsteps from somewhere outside. “Shit, okay, there’s probably more of them. Obviously. You: sword. Me: uh- clothes?”

“Yeah, just-” he cut himself off, gesturing loosely to the dresser where he kept the few spare outfits he’d accumulated over the years. Mabel slipped on a shirt and pants, a little too short on her but enough to do the job. The two slipped out of his room and scanned the hallway where there were no other attackers. They headed to the deck where they spotted the smaller schooner sailing alongside them and two sailors climbing from its deck to theirs. 

“Halt, both of you!” Ray shouted, sword drawn and pointed at the pair. They froze, apparently not expecting two armed enemies to be staring them down. The second figure clambered over onto the deck and drew their own sword, but didn’t move to engage yet.

“We already dealt with your friends, so just put the weapons down and we might let you go with your lives,” Mabel said, flashing a dark glare that glowed in the moonlight. They seemed to pause for a second, deliberating in silent glances before they conceded and lowered their blades to the ground. 

It almost seemed too easy, but they were amateurs after all. Confidence and determination without any skill or record to back it up like someone of real stature would. There was a reason a name like Percival could have men shivering in their boots even when the bastard was thousands of leagues away, after all… 

Ray focused back on the present and not the burning rage stewing in his gut, fixing a glare instead on the pair before them. The pair whose crew had almost murdered him, almost taken his friend, along with his crew, his family. Without a second thought, he stalked forward, drew back his rapier, and plunged it right into the neck of the attacker closest to him. He twisted the blade with a menace, watching, enraptured, as blood spurted and splattered over his face. 

After taking a final look at terror filled eyes in the darkness of the night, he kicked them in the chest and watched as they fell off of his blade to the ground, spasming and screaming silently in their last moments of life. Then he turned to the second one, a maniacal grin contorting his face.

They bent down and scrambled for their sword, but they couldn’t even grasp it before Ray’s plunged through their gut and pulled back out again with a flourish.

Then Ray stabbed him again. And again. And again.

Below him in the darkness, through his eyes, it was Percival bleeding out into a puddle and choking on the fluid that bubbled up his throat. He was dying and dying and he was dead, unmoving. He was gone, and Floyd was somewhere safe and sound like he was always supposed to be, like he always deserved to be, and everything was okay now.

A hand touched his shoulder and he jumped, eyes wide with madness and fury as he spun to see another figure in the darkness.

“Ray? Ray, hey, it’s Mabel. Are you here? Are you with me?” Mabel spoke low, her voice shaking with something he couldn’t recognize. His breath shuddered and he peered up at her, then looked below him at the man he’d just mutilated. Unseeing, unmistakably blue eyes stared up at him underneath the wounds he’d just inflicted.

Blue eyes. Not orange. Not haunting, and intriguing, and mesmerizing. Not Percival.

“I…” Ray trailed off blankly. “I’m here. I think I’m alright I just- I don’t know what came over me…” His voice grew thick with clouded emotions, eyes tearing up in shock.

“No, listen, it’s alright. We’re gonna have to talk about this, but right now we need to keep everyone safe. That’s what you wanna do right? Keep these people from taking anyone else away from us?” 

Slowly, languidly, Ray nodded.

“Right… you’re right.”

Next part

[trilies]

Someone tried to come up with a “sfwrarepair week” for a fandom i’m in because they had problems with the mods of the actual rarepair week shutting down wank and being open to all rarepairs

but their interest post was, like. terrible.

and i had to write a super long response to it because it frustrated me so much, with the op clearly not caring about actual csa survivors despite ~wanting to help them~

but then the post disappeared from the main tag and i couldn’t reblog the post even from the op’s original site and so this has just been hanging around in a plurk paste i’ve had open for weeks now, so i figured i should just fling it out there because i’m not wasting that work lmao

This post (and if I’m honest, the base idea) is actually harmful to actual CSA survivors and I’d like to call attention to this, especially since the OP isn’t giving the impression that they’re interested in the words of an actual CSA survivor.

I’m going to go in order of the post to give my criticism.

1. “being a safespace for minors, csa victims, incest survivors, people of color, LGBT individuals, etc.”

If this were just about making people feel safe, then there would be zero need to judge or insult people outside the group as occurs repeatedly throughout this post - the focus would be on the people IN the group.

For that matter, you wouldn't make an open call for a group like this anyway because the people in it would all have different comfort levels, so you can't just go "oh all this content will be safe for you" - you don't even know what their needs are yet. How can you guarantee that?

“Safe” ships, even those defined by the OP, can still be written in a way that is triggering or problematic.

Triggers aren't just in what the relationship is, they can be in the subject matter or the theme or what happens in the fic and it's like...okay, how much are you screening for? How are you protecting your members beyond just screening what ships are allowed?

A group actually meant to help abuse survivors, people with triggers, etc would not just have a flat set of rules set out before it's even got members, it would be organically constructed with consideration to the people in it and what their specific needs are.

That is only speaking of CSA and incest survivors as well... because that’s all this post suggests. It offers nothing in terms of how it would explicitly help queer fans, or fans of color. What it does offer for CSA survivors? (The only one I would say I am qualified to speak of in terms of experience.) Only vague platitudes that, from my perspective, only apply to the ideal of CSA survivors. Not actual CSA survivors, like those who do ship things you don’t approve of because it helps them recover.

Which actually leads us to

2. “this means there would not be ANY pedophilic [...] ships”

First of all, as a CSA survivor: stop using “pedophilia” as a description for fictional ships. This dilutes both the actual meaning and the seriousness of the word, which in turn harms actual victims as that word is robbed from them. Use an actual definition.

Because that’s the second issue with this statement, in that there is no actual definition given. That is a problem in the current fandom climate because, along with diluting the seriousness of the word, the meaning now varies wildly from person to person.

By “pedophilic”, do you mean a ship featuring someone 18 or up with someone beneath that age? What about characters where it’s unclear, such as Xanxus, who was frozen at age 16 and one could argue that he’s still that age? Or that he’s not because anime? What about with a gimmick that features time travel, such as the canon instance of Hana liking TYL Lambo and not recognizing or liking him as 5 year old Lambo? Where do the Arcobaleno fit in any of this?

By “pedophilic”, do you mean any ships featuring characters that are under the age of 18? Is it only pedophilic if it’s an 18+ adult shipping them? How are you going to check for that? What about the canon time travel used as both a gimmick and an arc?

Other types who allege they’re against “pedophilic ships” have said that it’s any ship with a height difference, any age difference at all even if the characters are still both adults, if a character’s boobs are too small, if a character isn’t smart. And, yes, those are all things I’ve actually seen!

Or will you oblige anyone who claims a particular ship is pedophilic?

This vagueness is a problem. Admittedly, the vagueness was not started by you, but it was started by people who claimed the same intentions as you, OP, and if you’re going to make a claim that you want to help CSA survivors, then you need to be far more clear than this.

3. [the same thing but re: incest]

Admittedly, I’ve seen this as less of a problem with misusing incest, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen it at all. You may want to clarify that you mean explicit blood relations (for example, Bianchi and Gokudera) or... Well, I can’t recall anyone explicitly adopted, but the idea is the same there. None of the “they referred to each other as brothers, ignoring how that’s often used in a way that has nothing to do with incest, but so that makes it totally incest”.

4. “ otherwise harmful ships”

This is the largest red flag out of everything, and we’re not even past the first rule in the original post. This has a similar problem to everything else about this list of not-allowed ship, only it’s much worse because it’s target is arguably everything.

What do you mean by “harmful”, OP?

Do we judge “harmful” because of the characters, or because of the ship?

How will you regulate this incredibly harmful descriptor so that it isn’t misappropriated by bullies and harassers to silence fans, whether as them as a person or what they ship? Because I can guarantee you that I could come up with any completely bullshitted reason to hate on every single character or ship combination from KHR, and others easily could as well for malicious reasons.

This is a frankly terrible rule and, considering the kind of rampant bullying that comes from people who like to claim they’re against ““pedophilic”“ ships against CSA victims, I do not trust it. I do not trust it at all.

5. “this blog would NOT be in “competition” or in any kind of rivalry with the original khr rarepair week blog”

Now this is either an outright lie, or someone who has not considered their own words, and I could not tell you which is worse when it comes to a declaration of a “safe space” for minorities or people with trauma like CSA and incest survivors.

The entire original post ABSOLUTELY positions itself as competition to the actual khr rarepair week, not an alternative. Not only does it position itself as “competition”, but it tries to sell itself to people as the “better choice”.

It’s an attempt at a bit of sleight of hand. The post tries to show itself as friendly, just here to help people... But, as I stated before, if it really had an interest in helping people, it would focus on those people.

Instead, numerous times, you see the OP making judgment calls and negative comments to others - mainly implications of people participating in the actual khr rarepair week. There’s a series of connections throughout the entire post:

We start with “pedophilic ships” being banned to “help” CSA survivors in the first rule, and then leap from that to, in the second rule, “people who don’t feel comfortable in an event run by people who support pedo ships”.

(Reminder: still no idea on what ““pedo”“ ships even are by OP’s definition.)

So we’ve already started by associating the people participating in the regular khr rarepair week as the problem, instead of people simply not being comfortable with just the ships themselves - fictional things that are easily avoided.

Then, at the very end, the OP makes the explicit connection between ““pedo”“ ships and “freaks”.

So is the connection clear yet? The way they steadily escalate things until the implication at the very end? How that all does its best to frame KHR Rarepair Week as a negative? As something that Good People (tm) would never do unless they “must”? The implication that their “SFW” rarepair week is better?

So for the OP to claim they’re not trying to start anything, while their entire post ramps up the connection between khr rarepair week and Terrible Things (tm), is a... dubious claim at best.

The rest of the post isn’t that big a deal. It serves perfectly fine as a base interest check for half of it. However, the other half? That other half set off warning flags so intensely for me as a CSA survivor that I couldn’t stay quiet. I’m not saying this to be a “troll”, or to start trouble for no reason.

Additionally, that good half is tarnished by the problems of the bad half. If these are the red flags I feel they are, then that means if there are people in the group who harass others - I can already spot what-the-fuck-khr in there, a notable harasser who has called a CSA survivor a slur - then it weakens the promise to make this a truly safe space.

It’s simply that I’ve seen a lot of people claim they care about CSA survivors, a lot of fans who try to prop people like me up to signal their own virtue, only for them to turn around and lash out at CSA survivors like myself when we do not exist as only a prop, when we step a toe out of line.

If that happens again, then I don’t want anyone to be caught in that, especially some of the wonderful people I’m familiar with in the tags, such as [blank] or [blank]. I see a lot of red flags in there that I’ve seen harm other people when left unchecked.

If people want to give this a shot as run by the OP, that’s their right, and I wouldn’t take that away from them. I believe it is important to help and look after CSA survivors, especially us for one another. However, I feel like these criticisms are something anyone going for this should keep in mind, especially if they’re not CSA survivors.

Maybe I’m wrong about all of this. I will freely admit that the original post set me off something awful. Maybe some of my concerns are merely because this is an interest check post, and there wasn’t time for the OP to go indepth on just what they think “pedophilic” ships actually are, etc.

If that’s the case, then I’ll gladly have a discussion with the OP, if they truly care about CSA survivors and what is harmful to them. I’ll recant if I can be reassured this is all in good faith, and even support this endeavor.

However, as a CSA survivor, this post as it is worries and frustrates me.

[fleetofshippyships-archive]

Fanfic Author Meme

Tagged by @diligent-thunder and @rockmarina​ =)

Okay, so I’m me, and I talked way too much, so I’m putting this under a cut to save your dashes. You’re welcome 😘

Please do not reblog this post.

Author Name: 

Fleetofshippyships + Knowyourincantations + Legendaryroar

Fandoms You Write For: 

(in order of decreasing # of fics) Harry Potter, Voltron, Merlin, Yuri on Ice, Star Trek, Star Wars and then a few one-offs that aren’t really worth mentioning.

Where You Post: 

AO3 primarily, Tumblr, trying to post more on Pillowfort, I also post on a couple of sites for knowyourincantations

Most Popular One-Shot: 

Fleetofshippyships: Potter’s Insatiable Cock (Drarry, Explicit (duh XD), 20k (viewable only for logged-in AO3 users)).

Knowyourincantations: A Decent Start to Things (Pansmione, Teen, 7k)

Legendaryroar: Finding Time for Rest (Sheith (Voltron), Teen, 3k)

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: 

RestraintNone of my old multi-chapter fics are available to read at this time and I don’t really write multi-chapter fics anymore.

If oneshot/drabble collections or two-shots count, then:

Fleetofshippyships: Vanilla and Sweet Spices (Drarry, Explicit, 2 chapters, 20k)

and this really doesn’t count, but technically it has multiple ‘chapters’ soooooooooo

Legendaryroar: Kinktober 2018 (Multiple ships (Voltron), Explicit (duh), 31 ‘chapters’, 26k)

Favourite Story You Wrote: 

I don’t think I ever have a static favourite, I’ve just written too many things, I too quickly move on to the next (and frequently forget some of my own fics exist XD), but recently I re-read In Pursuit of Red Wine (Dreville, Teen, 29k) and really enjoyed that again, and I am really attached to it cos it was my first longish rarepair fic, kind of proving to myself that I can write longer rarepair stuff. 

I also recently re-read Unburdened (Merthur (BBC Merlin), Explicit, 2k) and really enjoyed that too, had a total disconnect from having written it since it’s been so long, so I was able to read it without self-judging, and oh boy that was nice. 

I’m also quite proud of Healing What’s Left (Parkgrass, Teen, 2k) for some reason, I dunno, maybe the dark political backdrop of the fic, or maybe just cos it’s the first time I’ve written Daphne as the main character and I’m happy with the result and now have some headcanons about her rather than her being an unknown blank character to me. 

I also binge read a lot of my Voltron stuff recently and had big feels over that so....I also specifically enjoyed re-reading The Perks of Skincare (Klance (Voltron), Explicit, 3k) again cos I dunno, I like how I wrote Lance XD and also the Sheith fic I linked earlier is a fav for sure. Shiro/Rest is the ultimate OTP.

It really depends how soon after I write something or when I go back to re-read it as to what my fav is at any given time (or people commenting on it and hyping me up for it again).

Story You Were Nervous to Post: 

Everything. But most recently I was terrified out of my mind before posting: 

Friday Night by the Fire (Harry/Neville, Teen, 583 words) because I have a lot of fears about screwing up trying to write ace characters and somehow not even making that a focal point of the drabble made it even more terrifying,  No More Waiting (TianShan (19 Days), Teen, 2k) because it was a new fandom to write in, Harry Potter and the Maudlin Merman series (Drarry, Teen+ Mature, 3k +6k) due to my feelings of inadequacy because it would be better as long fic but I struggle too much with writing these days to write long fics and can only manage short things. I’d rather write this as a long fic, but then I’d never finish it so connected oneshots are the best I can do right now, but I still feel it’s not good enough and have a meltdown whenever I post one. And speaking of which, I’ve been sitting on the next one for months and should probably just fucking post it already.

Actually, most recently: Minding One’s Limits (Cho/Ginny, G rated, 1.5k), because I gave Cho a disability modeled off my fibromyalgia and wrote a scenario similar to something I’d dealt with myself, it was incredibly uncomfortable to write in the first place, and then terrifying to post, even though it’s so short. But in the end I’m proud I finally wrote about it a bit? I dunno, might take me a while to work up the nerve again though XD (also was my first time writing that ship, so there was a lot of nervousness over that too)

Oh, and I was a super ball of anxiety posting  Kinktober 2018 (Multiple ships, Explicit, 31 ‘chapters’, 26k) because for almost all of those it was the first time I was writing those kinks (and some were kind of squicks for me but I wanted to see if I could write them anyway cos I’m dumb like that) and in a lot of cases those ships were completely new for me to write too, in addition to trying to write and post 1 a day, so...yeah. Also that was my first time writing tentacle and human/werewolf smut so...yeah. I was an absolute mess that month and not in a fun way. But I’m still really glad I did it, it was fun =D

In summary, I’m always an anxious mess posting anything, but most especially if it’s something I’ve not written before or is personal to me XD

How Do You Choose Your Titles: 

Most of the time I’m staring down the empty title field in AO3 cursing like a fucking sailor when I choose titles XD Sometimes it’s a line/theme/feeling from the fic. Sometimes it’s totally random and just comes to me. Sometimes I just grasp the first thing that I can no matter how stupid it sounds cos it’s been three days and I still don’t have a title and I’m over it and ready to post before I lose my nerve.

And tbh, it’s only getting harder to think of titles as my number of fics increases, and I’ve now started thinking of the perfect titles only to realise I already have a published fic by that title so....TITLES CAN DIE A FIERY DEATH

Sometimes, not so much anymore, it would turn out that I would give a wip doc a name just so I’d know what it was, sometimes as a joke with whoever was reading it and cheerleading while I wrote it, and then I would refer to it by that and think of it as that so much that when it came time to actually give the fic a title, it was too late and I could not think past that stupid file name, and that’s how Potter’s Insatiable Cock happened, and how I very nearly called a Merthur fic Arthur’s Wanking Tower (saved that one at the last moment thank god cos the tone of that fic is actually really serious and emotional and wtf was I even thinking with that file name and actually I linked to that fic above XD it ended up being called Unburdened). 

Potter’s Insatiable Cock slipped through cos it’s actually relevant to the fic content and I could live with it.

But needless to say, I don’t give my wip docs joke names anymore XD

Do You Outline: 

Only if I never want to actually write the idea...once I outline, it’s over. I can’t write to a detailed plan. It stifles me. I’ll always get stuck having to try and think ahead to the plan, and then I lose the flow and nothing works because I’m a pantser/intuitive/instinctive writer not a planner. Sometimes I jot down ideas but in like, the vaguest of ways, usually more focused on emotional development than actual scenes or events or anything because then I won’t be able to write it (and I rarely stick to those vague ideas anyway). 

I can really only write when I’m staring down a blank doc with no idea where it’s going and discover it as I go (which is why writing is so fun for me). I can only finish a fic if I don’t think too hard about what’s going to happen next and just let it happen as I write. 

This of course means that editing is a fucking bitch when I finish anything, beginnings often get totally re-written, but if I plan, it just doesn't happen at all, so I’ll take the extra editing if it means I manage to write something.

I do have a lot of detailed plotty fic idea outlines...and I mourn them cos I’m never going to write them now, but they’re so goooooooooood XD

Complete: 

Online (across all 3 accounts): 381 (incl. my hidden drarry fics as they are technically online just hidden, not incl. individual oneshots/drabbles in collection ‘fics’, of which there are ridiculously many). Offline: 20 (I have the worst habit of just sitting on completed fics and I really need to stop)

In-Progress: 

Too many to name, last time I counted it was ~60 but that wasn’t even including my vld wips so...I don’t actually know. I hoard wips and just switch up what I work on all the time depending on mood/interest levels/effort required. 

Current main focuses are a 50k+ plotty Drarry (*fingerscrossed* cos this is my first time seriously attempting something long (will probably reach 80k at least) in a very long time and I put it down for a few months and thought that was it but then I picked it up again recently, yay!), and re-writing some hidden fics I can’t put them back up in the quality they’re in, I just can’t guys, they’re awful.

I’ve been thinking a lot about working on the longish 8th year Pansmione fic I started for the wlw big bang before I had to pull out of cos stupid life stuff. I might pick that up again for a bit too, couldn’t be more different from the Drarry one so it’d make a nice focus break =)

Coming Soon/Not Yet Started: 

I don’t even plan fics I’m writing, I sure don’t plan ahead to stuff I haven’t even started XD The only think I can think of for this category would be me re-writing my hidden long Drarry fics.

Oh, and there will be a Merthur oneshot coming (hopefully) soon, because @april-thelightfury115​ won my custom fic giveaway with a merthur idea. Just waiting for my brain to cooperate so I can start that and not suck XD but I’m so fucking excited to write some Merthur again, you have no idea.

Oh, and lots more Sapphic September drabbles coming too, I’m way behind and only just posted day 11 cos this month is literal hell for me, but I am still planning on finishing the prompt list, no matter how long it takes, but no plan for those, not even which ships, I just sit down with the next prompt and a blank doc and see what happens.

Do You Accept Prompts: 

Yes, I love writing to prompts, I’m take them via google form here, but I’m in such a bad space with my health I’ve been really struggling with writing lately, managed to do a bit of editing (fuck knows how), but writing new stuff is so hard, so there’s a long wait while I wait for my fibro fog to ease off to the point I can write new stuff with more regularity (and less stupid errors I have to edit out later).

Upcoming Story You Are Most Excited to Write: 

Again, I so don’t plan. But I really want to be making more progress on the long plotty drarry wip I’m trying to write. I’m still not sure I’ll have the guts to post it even if I do finish it, given its subject matter (it would make a great careers or consent fest fic tbh), but damn I’m really excited by it. Not sure I can maintain it being plotty and not revert to focusing on the relationship (which is easier for me), but I can only try and see what happens. (trying to write a non-relationship plot without planning is a nightmare but I don’t have a choice if I want to write it at all XD)

I’m also now excited for my longish pansmione wip too actually, just because it’s already longer than my Dreville long-ish fic and it’s exciting and scary to do longer rarepair stuff. I’m way out of my comfort zone with the fic itself, but I dunno, I re-read some recently and fell in love with it all over again, like, flustered lesbian-awakening, disaster for Pansy (but sure she still hates her) Hermione? YES PLEASE! and also, I am guilty of not writing female characters as much as I should because, well, canonically, they don’t have much depth and I’m very meh about them, but in this there’s a huge focus on them because they’re all determined to band together for 8th year and Hermione is making friends with them (Parvati is like, dragging her along all the time XD) where she once dismissed them so it’s scary but exciting =D I’m getting more practice with all the sapphic I do over on knowyourincantations, so I feel more confident working on this wip now =D

I’m also kind of excited about re-writing my old long fics, because they’re all 3 years old now, and my writing tastes (and skill, yikes) have totally changed, so it’s like I’m writing the story again but how I would write it now while maintaining the overall same plot, so it’s really interesting, like discovering the story all over again. Like in one (Making Malfoy Blush) I’ve gone as far as introducing a new side character to replace another’s parts because I no longer feel those parts are in character for them. It’s super terrifying, but it’s fun at the same time =) it’ll take me forever to do these though, so I dunno about ‘upcoming’ really, I only chip away every now and then when I’m unable to write new stuff but am still coherent enough to do something.

Eh, it is what it is, I can’t write like I used to, hence me being inactive more than active these days, but I’m trying to work within my new limitations instead of getting frustrated with them and just giving up entirely =)

---

Now, who to tag....I think anyone I would tag has already done it, and if not..I blame the fog if I’m forgetting someone obvious, if you wanna do it just say I tagged you so I can be nosy and take a look =)

Again, please do not reblog this post

[geejaysmith]

Wolf 359 Classpects, pt. 1

Soooo, while I was still busy with the last few weeks of my summer internship, I did keep thinking about classpecting the Wolf 359 cast. Possibly too much, because it wouldn't leave me alone until I'd solved my own God Tier riddle. Unfortunately, it got really long in the solving because I have many Thoughts and want to share all of them, always, so uh, a complete Classpect Analysis of Wolf 359 will be in parts? This first one covers Eiffel's, Hera's, Lovelace's and Minkowski's aspects.

DOUG EIFFEL: An utter no-brainer; ya boi Dougie Fresh is a Breath player if I ever saw one. For Chrissakes, he's the communications officer, and the first one to start complaining about the monotony of being stuck in a deep space sardine can. Breath is associated with communication, freedom, openness, and change - "free as the breeze", you might think of it, but that also leads to Breath players having trouble pinning themselves down to anything. They get skittish if they feel pinned down, and frustrated when stuck in place. Doug's noncommittal aloofness, the way he's off in his own little world (partially to hide from the fact he really does not like himself very much at all), and the way he's incorporated media into his self-perception all match pretty well with John and the Nitrams. But at the same time, he's the one playing mediator even as early as The Sound And The Fury. Being largely outside of the War Industrial Complex the other characters are so familiar with and thus mostly free from its dogmatic worldview of hierarchy and order, he's becomes the One Sane Man when he's the one to shout "what is WRONG with you people?" when "murder" shows up in the top 3 potential solutions to a problem, and he has no hesitation in saying what's on his mind. And it's not all complaints and bad ideas, either; he's got whole speeches telling the others how amazing he thinks they are and how in awe he is of their skills. A key catalyst in the plot of Wolf 359 is the reaching effects of his radio broadcasts. Also, there's something hilarious to the fact that for the aspect associated with communication, Doug *literally* cannot lie to save his life. I kept my ears open for the infamous Breath Hex on my second listen - that is, the strange little way in which things Breath players say tend to come to pass in reality. Cigarette Candy is basically 20 straight minutes of the Decima virus being Breath Hexed into existence, and he guessed Lovelace's situation in one - "Maybe she's a clone, or like a *really* good robot replica."

HERA: Another easy one. Although Hera is resistant to splintering as we've come to recognize it, Heart players are nothing if not determined to be an individual. They have a firm idea of themselves as a person and defend it fiercely, including compartmentalizing away pieces that don't fit their self-image. Maybe less actively putting them down like Jade Harley did to Jadesprite (the manifestation of the negative feelings she repressed out of fear they'd make her less useful) - that would mean attacking or denying a part of themselves - and more... "why yes, I put this part of myself in this box, and I may look at the box on occasion, the box definitely exists, but I don't go near the box and I definitely do not touch or open or interact with the box. And then one day, I will die." So that piece finds other avenues to express itself because it can't not do that. Hera's programming dictates she be "chipper and non-confrontational and always ready to help", but she actively resists being a mere utility and always has - her earliest know action was to attempt a jailbreak of the manufacturing facility she was made in, born rebel that she is. She will insist upon her name over her serial number unless you force her not to, and gets passive-aggressive at people treating her like a machine. And yet, even as she teaches herself to ignore commands literally written into the base of her personality, she doesn't reject her directive to be helpful, nor does she express a wish to be a flesh-and-blood human, or even really to have a physical form? She has a human self-image in mental spaces (we presume, I will semi-seriously point out there's nothing definitively stating she doesn't see herself as like, her fursona or something), but when she has to limit herself to a human-like view of the ship, her immediate reaction is "this is weird, I don't like it."  This is honestly something about Hera that I think may be unique among non-villainous AI characters; she seems to be content with being what she is in general, and she just wishes for people to treat her as a person and not a piece of equipment they can do with as they please.  

ISABEL LOVELACE: Arm-wrestled Hera for the Heart aspect and lost, despite Hera not actually having any arms, but that's okay because there's two aspects that fit her much better: Blood and Time. I ultimately went with Blood.

This is the part where you notice I'm onto the third of four characters in an aspects-only meta post, yet there is still a lot of post to go. This is because These Kinds Of Characters, the sort that're constantly on emotional lockdown, are a Challenge Mode, and for me to truly be satisfied with my classification I have to start drilling into the bedrock of what it even means to have an aspect in general, what it means to have a specific aspect, and what each aspect is really about. When you're on that level you tend to find yourself throwing out explicit expositional statements as incomplete, oversimplified, or unreliable, and looking at the text directly with a subtextual electron microscope. Brace yourselves. I have thrown the author out of the airlock, and I am about to get verbose.  

Lovelace's character sheet describes her in contradictions, and we get to see two different sides to her that resolve into the complete picture by the time Lovelace Mk. III wakes up. There's Captain Isabel Lovelace, goofing around in her earlier logs, and The Terminator. She does things Her Way and is very much prepared to fight you if you object - the whole reason she was picked for the Hephaestus mission was her willingness to go against (in her words) "stupid orders" and do what she thought was right. She's also fiercely loyal; The Terminator is the end result of her anger and grief for her lost crew and at her failure to get them home alive. Her backstory episode has her summing up her complicated relationship to the Air Force with "I owe a lot of who I am to them." And even before she and Minkowski have completely stopped butting heads, Lovelace shoves her out of the way of an exploding wall panel that would've killed her, and takes a near-fatal bit of shrapnel to the gut in the process. At her best, Lovelace is a fearless, boundlessly determined, dedicated firebrand of a leader. At worst, she can be impatient, stubborn, shortsighted, and ruthless. I dunno about you but that reminds me of a certain... angry crab that I know.

"Time" was what a few people chimed in with for Lovelace and while I see some of the connections (her awareness of the time loop, "Variations on a Theme", her multiple selves and multiple deaths, the repeated motif of clocks and pocketwatches) I don't think she quite fits in with the other Time players. Unlike most Time players, she doesn't have a fixation with historic context, the "Why Things Are The Way That They Are." This manifests in Dave's paleontology and his taking of source material for ironic twisting, Aradia's archaeology and knowledge of The Nature Of The Game, Damara's... /noises and vague gestures bc I don't want to go back through Meenahbound but her role as The Handmaid fits the pattern, and Caliborn's own warped, thoughtless replication of narrative archetypes. Context. Decisions. What came before and how it shapes the now, where your decisions will take it from here. The consequences those decisions will have. The details versus the larger picture. Even failure has its place in that scheme - that's the Time aspect. Lovelace doesn't like to dwell, she's a very "barrelling forward momentum" kind of person.

Side note: Aradia, Dave, and Damara all face hesitation to take action they had to learn to overcome. Also, all of them had to be pushed to use violence except in self-defense; Aradia let Vriska cross a series of lines before beating the everloving shit out of her, and Damara snapped after what, years? Of Meenah's abuse. Dave, on the other hand, never raises a hand to another person except as a complete necessity. Caliborn is, if anything, an aberration here in that he's outright homocidal and self-doubt is something that happens to other people. Caliborn is an outright aberration to a lot of Time player patterns, and to SBURB in general, because it's SBURB, so the rules are made up and the points don't fucking matter, except when they do, because Fuck You, The Author Said So.

No, Lovelace's approach to decision-making is that regrets are for afterwards, and "if I fail I deserve to be out of this picture; also, this situation has gone entirely pear-shaped, time to fling myself into the sun." (and that sounds an awful lot like someone that I know very well, but I'll deal with that royal mess when I get to the crazy whamma-jamma that is Classes). Impatience and railroading of other people can be her undoing just the same as assertiveness and decisiveness are her gifts.

...aaand then I went ahead and watched the live episode and yeah, major Karkat vibes there. However, I note that I don't believe we have ever hit hard evidence in Homestuck that Blood players are capable of Chilling The Fuck Out - this is part of the limitations of classpecting characters who weren't made for this system, you really have to dig into how much of their behavior is situational and where you see the kernel of individual perception shine through, the Rosetta Stone by which you begin to see the constants. "Where the object becomes the subject", to quote Memoria.

Finally, I think it's also worth noting that while Lovelace has a lot of connections to Time motifs, she also has connections to a lot of Blood motifs that arguably become more important to her story. Personal bonds and social justice are two of the Blood aspects strongest associations - see Lovelace's loyalty to her crew, and extending her desire to avenge them out to everyone Goddard Futuristics has ever used and tossed aside. The physical body and literal blood are other strong associations, and gee, how many times does the O-negative Cure-All Alien Juice in Lovelace's veins become a critical plot point? Not to mention the implication that her new friends all pulled through the finale because all of them now have her blood in their system. I'll accept that she's closer to the line between Blood and Time than some, but I'm holding by ground here: 

(Also, here's some irony for you, she may share an aspect with the Cancer trolls, but her birthday is August 11th, making her a Leo.)

RENEE MINKOWSKI: Minkowski was the hardest of these 4 to come to a decision on. My first inclination was Mind. Her general disposition put me in mind of a Life player. But then, I sat down and thought my way past the Commander's layers of emotional armor and ultimately settled on Light.

First off, by being a stickler for protocol and procedure as well as an Actual Responsible Adult, Minkowski is a kind of character that Homestuck straight-up just does not have, so snap judgements aren't gonna cut it here.  This is, again, another limitation of the classpecting system - all the examples we have to draw from are teenage disasters stuck in a lawless hellscape of some description or another, and written by an author allergic to boxing himself in with hard conclusions. But I digress.

Commander Minkowski is also stubborn. When she sets her mind to something, she digs in her heels, cranks the dial to 11, and then breaks off the knob and pockets it so you can't turn it back down. We see this as soon as episode 2, and at it's most hyperbolic when she Captain Ahabs the plant monster. Her's is iron-willed, bloody-minded, unstoppable, Determi-fucking-nation - when she sets her mind to it.

The submarine thought exercise is what had me initially lock her down as a hero of Mind before I mulled it over. The exercise is meant to provoke thought about priorities - what you think your role's purpose is in that situation will determine your priorities, and thus, your decisions. Mind heroes' most prominent skills are in riding the flow of causality, watching decisions, their causes and their consequences, and directing that path. They know people, and how to direct people. But the need for this means that they can get a little co-dependent. Other people are understandable - it's themselves that Mind heroes have the greatest struggle with. Without that vehicle of another person, Mind heroes may find themselves adrift and struggling to define themselves. This is fitting, given Mind is the most direct counterpart to the Heart aspect.

However, upon further examination, I found that this framework of priorities setting your decisions can also be extended to the Light aspect. What is "lucky" in a given situation? What do you define as a fortunate outcome? Rose arguably gets Grimdark'd by something like this, she asks the cue ball "are the horrorterrors evil?" and in doing so attempts to pry into the motivations and intent of *indescribable eldritch beings existing on a nigh-incomprehensible plane* and wedge it down into a relative human understanding of morality, which is sort of like trying to fit the Pacific Ocean into a water bottle. She was trying to deduce what impact the horrorterrors would have upon her and her friends, but asked the wrong question and got an answer she couldn't handle. She didn't recognize Doc Scratch was baiting her into this by leading her into a specific framework through which to ask the question. Vriska died because of her failure to recognize she was in a situation where luck didn't matter. Aranea got trounced because of her inability to recognize that reshuffling reality to prioritize herself and her preferred outcomes still didn't overcome the fundamental nature of timelines - you try to take over the alpha timeline with an insubordinate branch? That's a doomed timeline no matter how you slice it, and we know what happens to those. Luck and knowledge are both used by the Light-bound to give themselves power, whether in showing themselves off as The Smart One or the The Helpful One or The Unstoppable One, but their limited viewpoint often leads them to overlook the limitations of their own framework, or in other words, missing the bigger picture. I'll point out here also how Minkowski has the entire DSSPPM memorized and is the one who wants to get to the bottom of whatever the hell is really going on up at Wolf 359. Additionally, one of her other ambitions, at least once upon a time, was writing musicals. The verbal arts are one of the domains of Light players.

So while on the surface, Minkowski bears the most resemblance to a Life player, Life players tend to have an element of conformity to them. Unquestioned assumptions they've internalized have about the context in which they exist. Light heroes, on the other hand, need conformity so they have something to defy when they jump up and down screaming LOOK AT ME!  

So after much pontificating, I came to a decision. In the end, what Minkowski wanted more than anything else was a stage. Maybe to direct rather than hold the spotlight, but still; that's a Light hero if ever I saw one.

[larriefails]

I was scrolling thru ur blog & I just read that post u made about Harry being more 'palatable' to Larries but that they don't really love the real him, could u elaborate on that a little more? Ur one of the only antis that's willing to accept Harry's sexuality instead of pushing it aside & only focusing on him & women & I think it's impt to bring that to the discussion as well. Ls really pushed Harry to be open about smth he probably wasn't ready for so early, that & the biphobia, whew chile

I’d written so much and tumblr just ate it up ugggh

Okay, here we go again. There’s so much to unpack

First of all, I want to clarify, because this has happened before, that I’m not comfortable with you implying I’m the “Not Like Other Girls” of antis. Don’t compare me. I like those blogs, so..

Second of all and in the same vein, I don’t think I’ve seen any antis that are not willing to accept Harry’s sexuality. None of them are out there calling him straight, if that’s what you’re implying (at least none that I’ve seen)

Third of all, I think you don’t realize how hard it is to maintain a line with a blog like this one, where people come discourse about Larries (especially when you yourself are bisexual). I was ecstatic when Harry expressed those parts of his sexuality because I’ve been a fan of his since my early teens and it’s just really cool to see yourself somewhat represented in someone you’ve loved so dearly for so long. But I understand that I have a responsibility to not project my own feelings and desires onto him, and especially not doing it in a public forum where it has the potential of snowballing

Also, Larries abstractly accept Harry’s attraction towards men (I say abstractly because they turn vicious at the idea of him with any man that isn’t Louis, and any potential boyfriend Harry could get in the future would definitely get attacked). So there isn’t really much of a point in mentioning it in most of the posts I make. I’ve shoehorned it in in several that didn’t really call for it and realized after posting, and that’s most likely because of my own projection. If that’s what you feel makes me “Not Like Other Antis” then that’s not really a positive trait of mine, so I wouldn’t really praise it

It’s much comfortable and easy territory to talk about Harry’s attraction to women because it’s been piling on for years. No matter how many times Larries try to claim all of it is a stunt, reality says differently. Harry has talked about girlfriends in interviews and on stage, he has expressed attraction towards women, often bringing it up himself, has written songs about women. And the point is that Larries refuse to accept it, attack all the women linked to him, attack his team for “forcing him” to talk about it, even go on to say that he didn’t really write a majority of his album, so it becomes important to say that’s not the case in blogs like ours

When it comes to attraction to men, it’s only recently that Harry’s been more concrete (if you can call it that) about the subject, and there really isn’t much of a solid ground for us to feel like we can discuss it as openly as we do with his attraction towards women. Not without verging on projecting (and sometimes tinhatting) territory. I’m not here to discount Harry’s expressions of his sexuality, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like I have to be a little more vague about it, because Harry has been a little more vague about it. I just want to follow his lead because ultimately, it’s really none of my business. Sure, he made jokes before, and as non-straight person myself they pinged to me. I’m not gonna pretend they didn’t. But at the time, I really didn’t feel comfortable doing more than acknowledging he’d made them because it just wasn’t enough to go on. Straight men joke about that too, sadly (and I say sadly because I don’t like it when straight people joke about not being straight). And it could’ve also been jokes that weren’t even meant to be taken that way. Obviously now in hindsight they ping even more loudly to me, but I still don’t think they’re “proof” of anything, just something that gets me “okay... so this happened.” They could totally be the typical “testing the waters jokes” that most non-straight people do when they meet new people, they could even be the dumb jokes you just can’t help yourself making that could out you if you hit the wrong tone but narrowly avoid it because you’re being funny. But they could also just be jokes with no ulterior meaning

The bottom line is that, personally, when Harry said he didn’t label his sexuality, he knew how many of his fans thought he wasn’t straight. He knew of all the rumors. And when he wrote Medicine and chose to sing it on tour after saying he didn’t label his sexuality and all those years old rumors, he knew what he was doing. I don’t think for a second he’s stupid enough not to realize what those two things would cause, and I don’t think for a second he’s malicious enough to queerbait. So to me, it’s another thing about himself, he has green eyes and dimples, trips over his own feet, has annoyingly good reflexes, likes tattoos, is attracted to men in some capacity, is attracted to women, likes rock music, and has a half silly/half dry sense of humor. I don’t feel comfortable making more definite statements than that or putting a label on him when he’s explicitly rejected them before, and I definitely don’t have headcanons about him with men

If in the future he decides to share more, then I’ll gladly accept it and discuss it, but I will go as far as he wants to go and nothing more than that. I don’t think that’s “pushing it aside” I think it’s just being respectful

With your last two points I DO agree but I don’t think other antis shy away from that, and I actually don’t think I’ve talked about either of those things, at least not as main subjects of anything

The biphobia among Larries is rampant and disgusting. Anything that isn’t 100% gay is labeled as “het”. Larries have called him saying “I mess around with THEM” instead of “HIM” in Medicine “het” which is ABSURD because “them” includes “the BOYS and the GIRLS.” But to Larries he’s a gold star gay and “them”, by including women, would “legitimize his past relationships” and that’s “het”. That and Harry making statements on his sexuality when Louis is “still forced in an iron closet” made their heads explode. This is why I feel it’s important to highlight that Harry isn’t in the closet. He hasn’t come out, but I actually have a feeling that he would never do that. I think he’s just living his life and expressing himself for who he is and it just so happens to include that part of himself, like it happens to include his quirky sense of fashion or other aspects of his personality. He’s not actively trying to hide it, his girlfriends aren’t beards, his song lyrics aren’t stunts or coded metaphors for the burden of his fame. He just doesn’t fit the definition of a closet. It’s just that society tells you that there’s an actual drawn line between those two states, when for a lot of people that’s not the case. And I think Harry is also very idealistic and would love for that to be everyone’s reality. Like when he said he doesn’t feel equality should be political. No, my child, it shouldn’t but it is. And no, people shouldn’t have to come out and make statements on their sexuality, but society is still very into boxing people anyway. Sorry, I lost my train of thought

Anyway, Larries can’t just have Harry and Louis in this idyllic romantic relationship that never broke up in nine years. They also have to have them both being 100% gay and allergic to women. I think it’s part of their insecurity in their own conspiracy, but also, a lot of internalized misogyny and a fuckton of biphobia. If they acknowledged Harry’s attraction towards women, then he’d be a flight risk because the bi stereotype is cheating (not calling Harry bi, btw, it’s a stereotype applied to everyone that’s attracted to more than one gender, but it’s simplified as a bi stereotype). It’s easier for them to rationalize that all of Harry’s expressions of attraction towards women (and there’s been A TON) are just jokes or stunts or things he was forced to say and do. It soothes them and makes them believe in their ship with more ease

And the last point of how they pushed Harry to be open about something he wasn’t ready for so early. I mean, I don’t think Harry started being open about it before he was ready and I don’t think he lets himself be pushed by fan entitlement. He might be a “fluffy cupcake” but he’s very assertive when he needs to be. He draws a line and doesn’t let you cross it. So I think he expressed himself how he wanted and when he wanted. But Larries did TRY to push him. They made assumptions very early on, used a ton of stereotypes, analyzed things he probably didn’t even realize he was doing, and were all around disgusting. We don’t know how Harry’s journey with his own sexuality has been. I know people that didn’t even think they could be anything other than straight until they were well into their 20s. I know others that knew it as children. Once again, I don’t feel comfortable having headcanons or analyzing how Harry’s specific case was/is because it’s none of my business, but yeah, it’s totally possible that a lot of the shit Larries have said and analyzed has caused him harm. Having someone speculate on that sort of thing when you’re not fully conscious of it yet can fuck you up. Having people making definite statements about such private matters when you’re not ready to make them yourself can definitely fuck you up. Larries think all this speculating is them being fantastic allies and showing support, um, no? The opposite?

Do you know how you show support? By supporting the LGBT community and openly LGBT artists. By donating time and money to LGBT charities. By being welcoming and loving towards LGBT individuals. It’s definitely not by speculating on the sexuality of an artist you think might not be straight when they haven’t said anything themselves. That’s the shittiest thing you can do

[fairyroses]

I wanted to ask, why do you think there is a possibility for karadox? But are also scared to hope?

Sorry this took so long to answer! 

The shortest and simplest answer to this question is: Because I’ve noticed some things over the past few months that seem to point towards canon Karadox, and also some other things that seem to point away from it. This has led me to believe that Karadox could be a possibility, but also makes me hesitant to fully back that belief, lest I end up disappointed.

The long answer: I’m gonna split this up into two lists (a positive “why do I think it’s possible” list, and a negative “why am I afraid to hope” list), and I probably won’t go into as much detail as I usually do in an effort to keep those lists as succinct as possible. If you want me to elaborate on any specific bullet point, feel free to send me an ask about that topic in particular and I’ll expand on it.

Why I Think Karadox is a Possibility: 

Brainiac 5 is Kara’s primary love interest in the comics, and has been for decades. (@kara-querl is the expert on comics Karadox, though, not me.)

As soon as Jesse was cast as Brainy, there was a lot of buzz about him potentially being Kara’s new love interest, because, again, the two characters have a reputation as a comics-canon ship. 

Brainy’s first episode on the show (3.10) was largely him-and-Kara-centric, and they were so likable together that people were already asking if we could keep Brainy after that single ep, despite the way his makeup looked at the time.

Brainy and Kara have also continued to be very likable together, and their dynamic already functions as a solid base that could be easily built up into a healthy romantic relationship. (This is one of those massive topics that I’m not going to expand on unless I’m asked about it, because we’d be here all day otherwise.)

I’m not going to point out every individual canon moment between them, but this shot in particular from 3.10, where the camera shifts focus onto Brainy just as Mon-El walks away, was interpreted as an “out with the old, in with the new” moment by a LOT of people at the time:

They gave Brainy a human disguise, thus making him acceptably “date-able” by CW standards. (This was also obviously a way to save money and time on the makeup, but still, it only helps the ship. It also helps that Jesse Rath is hot as hell under all that makeup.) 

The writers have been subtly dropping hints all along that Brainy already has Feelings for Kara (I have a couple of gifsets lined up with examples of these hints, so keep an eye out for those). Even if you don’t personally see those feelings as romantic yet, it’s still undeniably canon that he cares a great deal about her and isn’t afraid to show it.

A small preview of one such hint: HE FUCKING CRIED OVER HER.

The CW has been marketing the show using Kara and Brainy (or Jesse and Melissa) together since Jesse was promoted at the end of last season. As evidenced by this leaked image from last summer, it was a planned campaign, so the fact that the promos are using the two of them in particular isn’t a coincidence or anything. 

I don’t think Brainy/Nia is going to go the way most people are expecting, and as a result, I don’t think they’ll be a significant impediment to Karadox from a character standpoint. (This is my personal speculation, of course, but it’s speculation based on the things we’ve seen in canon, research that I’ve done into the comics, and what’s been said about the characters in interviews. So it’s not like I’m just pulling it out of my ass, either. Feel free to ask me for specific examples/evidence if you’re curious.)

Small note that even if Brainy/Nia proves me wrong and does happen this season, that still doesn’t necessarily mean that Karadox won’t happen at a later point. 

Brainy has become a fan-favorite character who’s well-liked by most everybody, which means that pairing him with Kara would be largely uncontroversial (especially compared to her last relationship). I’m sure the showrunners would love to put Kara with someone that people aren’t going to automatically hate. 

Building off of the previous point - If Brainy isn’t going to date Kara, then who will? He’s the only guy around right now that she could possibly date (and obviously she’s eventually going to date someone). The only alternative to Brainy is bringing in someone new, and personally, I think introducing a brand new character to be Kara’s next love interest - when Brainy is already right there - would NOT go over well with a lot of people.

Why I’m Afraid to Hope (aka Why I Have Doubts About Karadox Becoming Canon): 

Despite the promos, Kara and Brainy have had noticeably little screentime together since 3.10, and haven’t had a single emotional moment or conversation alone since that ep. Instead, all of Brainy’s more personal scenes (such as ones where he reveals important pieces of his backstory) have been going to Nia, which in turn has stagnated his developing friendship/relationship with Kara in a concerning way that I can’t help but feel is deliberate. 

We’ve seen how much Brainy cares about Kara, but the vast majority of those moments have conveniently happened when Kara is either unconscious or simply not around. So she’s still completely in the dark about how Brainy may feel about her. (And we’ve seen hardly anything about how she feels about him.)

Whether Brainy/Nia becomes canon or not, the fact that the show has been baiting people into shipping it at all creates a problem for Karadox in the future, because people are going to be less likely to support a new Brainy ship if they’re still bitter about Brainy/Nia not being together. So Brainy/Nia’s very existence is enough to make me doubt the possibility of Karadox. 

When asked about the potential for Karadox in season 4 after the season 3 finale, Rovner only gave a vague, and not particularly encouraging answer. That, plus the announcement a few months later about Kara staying single for a while, tells me that they never had any real intentions of exploring Karadox in season 4. 

The CW has a history of swerving on comics-canon ships, most notably Green Arrow/Black Canary. So just because Karadox is canon in the comics, doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll become canon on the show. 

There’s the whole issue/inherent tragedy of Brainy being from the future, which he technically should have to return to eventually (ignoring BTS facts like Jeremy Jordan not coming back, which likely means that Jesse will stay indefinitely). I’ve discussed this before, specifically mentioning how the time period difference hasn’t stopped Karadox from getting together in the comics, but it still needs to be mentioned as a point of doubt, because I’m not sure how they’d address it on the show itself. 

On a personal note, I’ve been badly (and I mean BADLY) burned by ships before, so it’s just in my nature now to temper my expectations whenever I see canon potential for a ship, because I’d much rather be pleasantly surprised than blindsided and heartbroken. So basically, until Kara and Brainy actually kiss onscreen and/or declare their feelings for each other out loud, I’ll always have doubts about Karadox happening.

But finally, because I don’t really want to end on a sour note, here’s a snippet from an interview that came out a few days ago, which I found intriguing and wanted to share:

….Now, I’m not necessarily saying that we could see hints of Karadox in the season finale as part of a setup for season 5…but I’m also not not saying it, if you know what I mean. :))

[sagemoderocklee]

Oh what's this about "the only valid fic that’s ever going to be written for gaalee"? You don't have to tell the name of the fic I'm just curious about what happened? Like what's the deal with this fic?

oof… well, this is a conversation I’ve had many a time, but be forewarned, I have a lot of feelings on this matter and this will… not be short.

I’ll just use [redacted] but in all honesty whether I give you the name or not, I promise, it wouldn’t be difficult to know what fic I’m talking about (not least of which because I’m one of the few people who has been vocal about that fic and when asked I make it known I have No Interest in it). But literally everyone in the GaaLee fandom knows about this fic that was written–after careful research–just over 13 years ago. THIRTEEN! That’s quite a long time for a fic to maintain such acclaim, but the GaaLee fandom is small and a bit of a fic desert when it comes to content, and in a way, I think that’s to blame…. 

From my perspective, this fic–which published it’s first chapter in September of 2005 on Livejournal, then posted in April 2006 to a lesser known fic hosting website–has remained a staple in this fandom for so long because it was, by and large, one of the only decent novel length fics in the fandom at the time. And that time was a long time. If you look at the GaaLee tag on any fanfiction hosting website, you won’t have an easy time finding novel length stories with quality writing, characterization, plot, etc. 

[Redacted] was, ostensibly, the first GaaLee fic with any real substance: it had good pros, and, seemingly, it had a plot (though if you ask me the plot was “get gaara and lee together, and forget about any and all conflict outside of them once they bone down”, but I digress). 

People loved this fic. So much so that there are a number of depictions of scenes from this fic drawn by talented fanartists, there are podfics, there are probably translations, there’s a fucking TV Tropes entry. But the real impact this fic has had on the fandom? The reason I always vaguely complain about it?: “I won’t read anything if it’s not [Redacted].” 

As a writer, myself, I’m sure it’s obvious why I might have grown bitter about this fic over the course of my time in this fandom. Unlike other fandoms I’ve been in, such as the Harry/Draco fandom, which upholds the classics that helped shape the fandom but still allows for new, fresh takes, the GaaLee fandom holds on to this singular fic as the Pinnacle Fic. According to this fandom, you will never come across a greater gaalee story–never mind that this fic is 13 years old, is ableist in its depiction of Gaara, actually does forget the plot partway through, not to mention the gross ‘sand rape’ scene, and of course doesn’t hold up 13 years later with canon specifically because of mischaracterizing at least Gaara (it’s been a while since I read it, so I’m sure I’m missing things). Never mind that we, as individuals and communities, should be able to look at something more critically and say “yes, this was good at the time, but now I see that it is not perfect. Yes, this helped shape a small and lacking fandom, but it does not have to be the be-all end-all.” 

The GaaLee fandom, as indicated by the shit I was fielding thanks to daring to call out homophobia in the fandom, does not like change. It has certainly changed, even grown I’d like to think. But the fandom itself is stagnant in many ways; it does not want to let go of its old ways which is easily seen by some of the GaaLee–oh, excuse me, LeeGaa blogs out there (it’s very important to remember exactly who is putting it up whose butt, because heaven forbid we treat these characters genuinely and not depict mlm couples with gross fetishistic tropes like seme and uke–i hope that the tone of “i’m rolling my eyes” comes through strongly here). 

Now, I haven’t read this fic in about 4 years, roughly. I put off reading it for a very long time while working on Alliance because I, like so many people in the fandom, held it up on a pedestal. I worried over comparing myself to the author, I worried over the potential to be influenced in a way, that Alliance would seem too much like [Redacted]. Then, in the midst of depression and wanting desperately to read a GaaLee fic, I re-read it. I hadn’t touched it in four years–at that time–and thought “what the hell”. So I read it. 

And I didn’t like it. The pros are good, I’ll give you that. But other than the pros, I wasn’t moved. In fact, I felt only relief. “My fic is nothing like this. I don’t agree with this author’s interpretation here and here–oh my god that’s rape what the fuck” and so on. Now, it has been a long time since my last read through, so I may be missing things about the fic, but ultimately it’s not really about whether or not I like the fic, it’s not about whether or not the fic is good. It’s old. It shouldn’t really matter anymore because we should all have matured enough to say “This fic was good, it did a lot of good for the fandom, but looking back I realise it’s not what I thought it was and has some gross elements which we will not allow to continue to propagate in our fandom.” 

But unfortunately, this fic is still relevant; unfortunately this fic still matters and still shapes this fandom in far too many ways. If the common theme of this fandom wasn’t “oh my god, have you read [Redacted]” “[Redacted] is the best fic and the only one I’ll read” then maybe I’d never say a peep about this fic. It would fall to the back of my mind, a fic I read and enjoyed once upon a time, when I was young and less rounded as a person. But unfortunately, the fandom does not take the stance that other fandoms take–it is not ‘a classic we appreciate for what it did for this fandom’, it is now a weapon used against new authors. I don’t think it’s necessarily intended to be, but it is. Who wants to write a fic for this pairing when all they hear is “I’ll never read anything but [Redacted]”? Who wants to write anything when they know people won’t give them a chance? Hell, who will read things when they’re told that the only thing worth reading is [Redacted]? When they’re told that everything else in this fandom is trash? And listen, I know there’s a lot of trash in this fandom–and I don’t mean writing skill, I mean actual trash. Writers who manipulate minors into a cult following while their writing features a relationship between a 16 and 25 year old; writers who write A/B/O; writers who write ‘soft stalking’; writers who turn Shukaku into “a voice in Gaara’s head”… The list is long and ugly. But that doesn’t mean write off every writer, that doesn’t mean refuse to move past a fic that’s 13 years old.

How are we supposed to overpower the gross, ugly content if we as a fandom community refuse to give new writers a chance? How can fandom grow and change and get better, if we hold on to something from 13 years ago? (Trust me, it shows that this fic was written thirteen years ago. It is Very Obvious.) 

Yet here we are, holding on to a 13 year old story. Who else do we know in this fandom who writes? Who else has that much acclaim? Who else writes good, quality stories and gets art and a goddamn TV Tropes entry and countless people raving about their work? Do you know what happens when I say I want to read a gaalee fic? I get a number of people asking if I’ve read [Redacted] as if I haven’t been here for 11 years. It was literally the first GaaLee fic my friends told me to read so that I’d understand why GaaLee was a good ship. I read it when I was all of 18 and so new to the fandom. I read it again when I was 21. And again when I was 24. I guess the third time was the charm. 

There is a post that floats around sometimes visible in the gaalee or leegaa tag that says “guess it’s time to go reread [Redacted]” or something to that effect with something like 350 notes. 350 notes. This tired comment from years ago that suggests there’s nothing worth reading in this fandom, that’s been put out there for writers and readers of fic to see. Listen, I won’t lie, it IS hard to find good fic content! It is, but it’s even harder when you don’t give people a fucking chance. 

Do you know what conversations I’ve had with people about fanfiction in this fandom? I literally had someone, point blank, say to me and the other writers on the GaaLee discord “I don’t read anything but […] [Redacted].” 

How disheartening. How unsupportive. How insulting. Saying that to people who you know are writers, who work hard and want support. That’s ugly. That’s not cute. That’s not community. 

There are fresh new takes on Gaara and Lee, and I know that for a fact because I have worked tirelessly to help create some of these fresh takes. I know my fucking worth as a writer, I know I’m good at what I do. I’ll always be learning and refining my writing, but I am a good fucking writer and it is a slap in the face to me and every other writer out there, who dedicates any amount of time to trying to produce good written content for this pairing. We don’t need the fic tags for this pairing to be filled with the trash mentioned above (pedophilia, rape, ableism, etc). We don’t need to be a fic desert. But if people only ever read one 13 year old fic, then that’s what we’re gonna keep having. 

I’m obviously not going anywhere. I’ve got plenty of GaaLee fics to write (something like 20+), regardless of the “I’ll only read [Redacted]” people in this fandom. But who’s to say if it’ll matter in this fandom? Who’s to say it’ll change how people feel about [Redacted]? Who’s to say if I can help make a trend of supporting fic authors other than [Redacted’s Author]? I mean, the person who made that post with 350 notes, far as I know, has never read my fic content. If someone is so desperate for content that they’ll re-read something from 13 years ago, then why aren’t they also checking the GaaLee tag on tumblr or Ao3 for new fics? Like people actively complain about the lack of fic in this fandom and then… do nothing about it. And I don’t mean they should write fics necessarily. Like yes, if you’re a writer and you want to see fic content in this fandom, I absolutely urge you to write! But first, we need more people who are willing to read fics. Who will go out of their comfort zone and just give us a chance. We need these people who are always complaining about the lack of fic content to do something about it, make other authors feel better about themselves, lift up other authors, share their works, comment like your life depends on it. That’s what we need. Because there are a handful of people out there who want to write and want to keep writing for this pairing. But without support…??? They disappear. They give up. They lose interest. 

There will probably be some people who feel like personally attacked because they’ve said these things and not supported other authors, but honestly, if you feel that way then please take that and prove me wrong. Be more proactive. Find a new GaaLee writer, find a story you haven’t given a chance. Prove that this fandom can change and grow; prove that fic writers have a place in this fandom. 

Because right now, fic writers don’t have a place.

Anyway, I’ve spent the last like hour going on and on about this, and I have things to do and I’m sure you didn’t want me to write something this long, Anon. Please, just blame my Aries Mercury ass for being a passionate talker lmao 

[tropylium]

On Modernity and Fuckups

Someone points out that my additions on the history of white rice do not trump the core point of the OP, which is that European meddling did ultimately lead to a beriberi epidemic in Asia. Yes, this is broadly correct. If we want to move on from establishing the historical facts to assigning guilt though, I would also point out that people within the western scientific-technological tradition are also responsible for most of the efforts to fix this — identifying that beriberi is vitamin B1 deficiency, identifying rice bran as rich in B1, putting two and two together and concluding that it was the specifically the introduction of cheap white rice that created the beriberi epidemic in the first place, researching ways to extract B1, introducing B1 supplements on the market, providing these whereever the need is the most urgent, running campaigns to educate people on nutritional needs and the importance of some variability in diets.

(to be sure, I have no idea how many of the people involved in these discoveries were ethnically Europeans, but I claim with confidence that all of them were modernized, i.e. roughly culturally western — native Asian scientific and coordinated social welfare traditions were much behind the West, and would not have worked out any other kind of a solution than, perhaps, complete rollback by banning white rice. You could moreover argue that “modern” should be distinguished here from “western”, but then you’d also need to notice that this “European” meddling was exclusively the work of the international heralds of modernity, and average European peasantfolk from Moravia or Savonia or Ohio had nothing to do with any of it.)

…anyway, with the net result being, I would argue, ultimately positive: the world now has both white rice as an easily available commodity, plus the knowledge of its associated nutritional risks + how to address them. If none of this process had happened, there would have still been people in Asia suffering in poverty, just due to hunger rather than beriberi. Without “European meddling”, this could have continued to be the case for centuries still — unlike the beriberi problem, which is both fixable and actively being fixed.

This general type of a thing has however happened repeatedly with modernization: “we” (= entrepreneurs with access to modern science and technology) invent some nifty tool or procedure or chemical, and a few decades later “we” (= medical scientists and public health officials) figure out that actually it has significant harmful consequences to “us” (= usually, poorer people in particular) and ought to be rolled back in part or in whole.

A few of the more severe cases you have likely heard of:

DDT, which is a great pesticide, but also causes birth defects

freons, which enable cheap powerful refrigeration, but also fuck up the ozone layer

nuclear power, a highly effective source of energy, but if done with poor security, leads to meltdowns that leave hundreds of km² inhabitable and the ground zero site lethal for centuries

bisphenol A and friends, which are convenient plastic additives, but also cause poor sperm quality, threatening reproductive viability

tobacco, which is a fun pastime, but also causes addiction and respiratory system cancers

(in the last case we have an example of an innovation that originated somewhere else, but was then aggressively commodified and marketed by modern capitalism)

On one hand, these fuckups are more or less a package deal with the numerous boons of modernization (advanced medicine, improved crops, industrial fertilizers, telecommunications, metallurgy, electricity, robotics…) There is so far no evidence that humanity would be able to put together such thing as “modernity, except it does not ever invent a DDT”. Every so often we only learn from experience that something was a bad idea. By now we’ve invented concepts like tail risk and black swans and unknown unknowns to be a bit more prepared, but they too still confirm the point: we cannot anticipate all the side effects of technological development.

On the other hand, it‘s not like we can decide to stop, either. Knowledge cannot be put back into Pandora’s box, short of apocalyptic mass destruction of all modern societies, or perhaps "merely” dystopian totalitarianist lockdown. Never mind even that these would be a cure much worse than the disease: if even just one nation’s industrial and scientific base survives in some form, there would be rebuilding and rediscovery, perhaps including recapitulation of old mistakes. — Also, while all of this is going on, who’s keeping an eye on the containment of e.g. all the highly dangerous nuclear waste we have lying around? We really don’t want that shit just getting loose in the environment. The only generally applicable cure for modernity’s past mistakes is improved and better-regulated modernity. 

My primary concern about modernity is therefore not the gradual learning-from-mistakes. There are people who lose out, but also many more people whose lives end up ultimately better off. It’s the whole lock-in aspect of it, combined with the possibility that some day we commit a mistake too big to fix. Perhaps sooner than we think: if we really botch up the response to climate change, the death toll could be astronomical (there are by now billions of people living in vulnerable coastal areas). At that point it would be a little gauche to reply “but we did get to ride on cars for a century or so, isn’t that still something”. I believe it is a bit early for wholesale demonization of modernity, but that still an option that remains on the table. It probably always will, too. Today climate change, tomorrow the risk of space elevators falling out of orbit, the day after tomorrow, I dunno, Earth’s orbit instability due to mass/momentum increases from asteroid mining?

In a sense this isn’t even about modernity as much as cultural evolution. “Natural” inventions like language and agriculture have had quite major negative side effects as well (just ask any mammoth, any Neanderthalian, any hunter-gatherer), just on a slower timescale. We’ve been on this ride for a long time, and modernization is just one particularly steep hill along the way.

And getting back to the question of who to blame for all of this… why should we presume anyone is in charge of history at all? (Other than the general human urge to look for simple targets for blame.) If we were to restrict ourselves to assigning blame individually, cases like beriberi break apart into dozens, perhaps hundreds of people, none of whom can be considered the definitive broken link in the chain (and all of whom are long dead, also). Designing rice milling machines surely is not a crime in itself, neither is being being willing to pay for easily storeable rice, nor is trying to make a living with shipping rice, nor is following and supporting a new culinary fashion. And so no one ever manages to make specific accusations with these things — just vague collective guilt pointed at unimpeachable egregores like “Europeans” or “imperialism” or “capitalism” or “modernity”.