#and neglecting some friendships. that includes a few of you and i hope this kind of contextualizes that | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

spicykat9 · 3 years ago

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Hello darlin' ! I wondered if I can request a challange for ukfr. I want to request two sentences for the nsfw dialogue prompts for punk rocker in a band failing at college but later becomes a doctor Arthur and preppy hard working marriane which becomes a yoga teacher but goes to the gym, like fanfiction that includes - 30.“I can’t wait until we’re alone. There are so many things I want to do to you right now.” and 73. “That position looks impossible enough, let’s try it.” Tnx in advance

Oooh this was fun to do! Thank you! Oh and I just realized I missed part of quote #30. Oh well, I hope you still enjoy this!

Prompt: 30.“I can’t wait until we’re alone. There are so many things I want to do to you right now.” and 73. “That position looks impossible enough, let’s try it.”

Pairing: Fruk/UkFr

Word Count: 2158

Private Lesson

It had been a long day. Arthur had hoped by second year he would have gotten the hang of things and his nerves more controllable, but if anything it was more stressful than ever, and he was falling behind. At least he was able to get everything that needed to be done that week done and could relax over the weekend. Since he was free and it was a Friday evening, Arthur had decided to surprise his boyfriend at work.

Francis owned a small yoga studio a block away from Arthur’s university. Arthur had ended up going to a few lessons there after one of his professors suggested it to help reduce stress. It ended up doing the complete opposite as he got one of the most annoying instructors. He was everything Arthur claimed to hate: cheerful, peppy, nosy, and worst of all French. But he kept going to those lessons. Though they butted heads, Arthur didn’t have many people he could talk to and Francis was always asking about his personal life. At some point, Arthur ended up confiding in the Frenchman, and in turn, Francis started confiding in him as well. Ever so slowly, Arthur found his feelings for his instructor going from hate to friendship to something even more. He tried to deny it at first, but when his last lesson came around bringing along the fear of never seeing Francis again he decided to swallow his doubt and pride and invite him to dinner. And the rest was history. They had been dating for about a year now.

“Ah Mr. Kirkland,” Michelle, Francis’s receptionist, beamed, “Mr. Bonnefoy is just finishing up his last class and then you can go in.”

“Thank you, Michelle,” Arthur replied with a nod before going over to the window that looked into the studio. Francis stood at the front of the class, dressed in a tight tank top that showed off his toned chest and arms and jogging pants. His long blond hair was tied into a loose bun to keep the strands out of his face. It appeared to be an advanced class considering the moves Francis was showing off. Arthur felt something stir low in his abdomen as he watched his lover expertly and easefully twist himself into all kinds of shapes, showing off his body and skill. His mind was filled with less than innocent thoughts as he pictured all the ways he could bend Francis and-

“Bonjour mon amour,” Francis greeted with a bright smile and flushed cheeks. He placed a soft kiss on Arthur’s cheek.

“Hello love,” Arthur replied, wrapping his arm around the Frenchman’s waist. “How was your day?”

“Same old, same old. Can’t complain though. What about you mon lapin? School must have been busy with exams.”

Arthur shrugged. “Yeah, but they’re over now.”

“Good,” Francis mused, “I’m sure you’ve been neglecting your physical health during these past few weeks. Not to mention that poor posture hunched over those textbooks.” He grabbed Arthur’s arm and began pulling him into the studio. “A private lesson is just what you need to start getting back into shape.”

Arthur rolled his eyes but followed his boyfriend’s lead. Francis started them off with some dynamic stretching before moving into some simple poses. As they went on, the poses became more complicated and Arthur may or may not have started messing up on purpose just so Francis would touch him and guide his body into the proper form. Francis, who could read Arthur like a book, quickly picked up on this fact. If Arthur wanted to be affectionate, Francis could be affectionate and get Arthur to exercise. “I’ve an idea,” Francis said. He pulled away, almost making Arthur fall over, and scurried over to his laptop and pulled up a list of all kinds of couples’ poses.

“What’s that?” Arthur grumbled, peeking over his lover’s shoulder.

“Couples yoga. Haven’t you heard of it?”

Arthur shrugged. “Here and there.”

“Choose a pose and we can try it!”

Arthur mulled it over, skimming over the images in front of him. A lot of them looked pretty simple and were not nearly as intimate as Arthur wanted. Reaching over Francis’s shoulder, he began scrolling through the poses, eventually coming across one that caught his attention. “That position looks impossible enough, let’s try it,” Arthur proposed.

Francis smirked. “If you insist. But I’m holding you up because you’d probably drop me.”

Arthur scowled, but accepted Francis’s condition.

Francis crouched down while Arthur laid himself on the floor. Francis took hold of the Brit’s legs before encouraging: “Now pull yourself up.”

Perhaps Arthur had been a little too ambitious with his choice as he struggled to pull his upper body up and grab onto Francis’s legs where the Frenchman’s knees bent. Somehow he managed, but his core was burning and he didn’t expect it to last long. But Francis appeared to be struggling as well; not as much as Arthur, but still struggling. Despite the ache in his muscles, Arthur couldn’t help but admire the way Francis’s brows furrowed and beads of sweat trickled down his forehead. The less than innocent images from earlier returned to the forefront of Arthur’s mind. Without much thought, Arthur pulled himself up and foreword, crashing his lips into his lover’s. The force caused Francis to lose his balance and the two collapsed onto the floor.

“What are you--”

Francis was unable to finish that statement as Arthur bit down on Francis’s exposed collar bone, earning a sharp gasp. Arthur couldn’t help but chuckle at the response. "There are so many things I want to do to you right now."

The Frenchman shivered at the statement. Though it filled him with desire, Francis couldn’t help but be hesitant with Michelle right outside the door. "Not here,” Francis said, taking hold of Arthur’s now wandering hands, stopping their caresses. “Michelle may see.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “You didn’t seem to have a problem last month when we shagged in the janitor's closet at my school five minutes after I got out of class.”

“But she’s like my little sister. Do you want my little sister to see us fucking?”

Arthur let out a groan before surveying the room and noting the blinds. With some more grumbling, Arthur got up and pulled down the blinds, and locked the door.

“Better?” Arthur asked, returning to his position above Francis.

Francis smirked and pulled Arthur down into a heated kiss, nibbling at the bottom of Arthur’s lip. "My,” the Frenchman sighed when they pulled away, “sex in a yoga studio? I was starting to think you were all talk and no bite."

"Oh, I can do plenty of biting," Arthur replied with a mischievous grin.

"That you can--" Francis was once again unable to finish that thought as Arthur bit the side of his neck. He let out a small whine, gripping onto the Brit’s T-shirt. After littering his French lover’s neck with a few more love bites and hard kisses, Arthur’s patience had worn thin and he roughly pulled Francis’s shirt off. With new skin exposed, Arthur continued his pattern of biting and kissing along Francis’s torso.

Unlike Francis, Arthur was sloppy and rough in foreplay, but the Frenchman wouldn’t have it any other way. Seeing the marks the next day always brought vivid memories of their activities and reignited Francis’s arousal slightly.

When Arthur was content with his marks, he focused in on Francis’s already half-hard cock. With another smirk, Arthur began palming Francis through his pants while also latching onto his lips in a hard, but passionate kiss.

Although Francis loved the sensation, through the haze of lust he remembered Arthur was still fully clothed. He pushed the Englishman away before pulling of said man’s shirt and leaving kisses across his chest.

Soon enough, both men were stripped down to their boxers, equally hard and panting. Arthur took a second to admire the man in front of him. It wasn’t every day he managed to reduce Francis to a blushing mess so he was going to enjoy it while it lasted. After a bit of scanning, Arthur removed the last of Francis’s clothes and went to suck him off. But Francis had other plans.

“Later,” Francis murmured, pulling Arthur up by his hair. It was a little rough (or at least rougher than Francis usually was) and Arthur felt himself get harder by the small action. In a slightly flustered state, Arthur crawled over to his discarded school bag and leather jacket placed beside their mats, coming back once he found a small bottle of lube. As much as he tried to act like a “gentleman” and indirectly a prude, Arthur was quite dirty-minded and rarely ever met up with Francis without some form of lubrication. At least Francis wasn’t so innocent either, though they constantly jabbed at each other’s pervy behaviour.

Arthur coated his fingers in a generous amount of lube before lifting Francis’s legs and setting them on his shoulders. Slowly, he inserted three digits into Francis. Normally, he liked to go a bit quicker, but Francis had expressed his discomfort with it, so Arthur tried to control himself more. He said he liked to hurt Francis, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Francis let out a breathy sigh as Arthur wriggled and thrusted his fingers around. Once Arthur felt Francis had been stretched enough, he pulled his fingers out and coated his cock in lube. Lining himself up with Francis’s entrance, Arthur pushed in, perhaps a little too quickly based on the grunt that came from his lover. As an apology, Arthur massaged Francis’s thighs with a soft, but genuine “sorry.”

Francis gave him a soft smile, pulling the Brit down for a soft, loving kiss and pushing him further in. “You can move,” Francis whispered when they pulled away. His arms wrapped around Arthur’s torso, pulling him even closer. Arthur’s breath hitched, but he complied.

He started off slow, not wanting to cause Francis anymore discomfort, but quickly he regained his confidence and began pounding into him. This earned beautiful sounds and exclamations of pleasure from the Frenchman, encouraging Arthur to go faster until Francis was crying out in a mixture of French and English. Arthur wasn’t faring much better as Francis matched his thrusts by rocking his hips and tightening around him leading to a string of grunts and moans. As nice as it was to hear, through his cloudy mind, Arthur remembered Michelle was still on the other side of the door. Although he acted as if he didn’t care earlier, it was quite embarrassing to think she might hear them. Thinking quickly, Arthur crashed his lips into Francis’s, muffling both their moans.

Amongst the kissing and pulling each other closer, Arthur’s hand made its way to Francis’s neglected hard-on and stroked it as he continued to thrust. When Arthur found Francis’s prostate it was all over for the Frenchman as he came into Arthur’s hand with a breathy moan of Arthur’s name.

As Francis tightened around Arthur’s cock, riding out his orgasm, the Brit was pushed over the edge, biting into Francis’s shoulder as he came.

Slowly, Arthur slowed his thrusts, eventually pulling out and collapsing beside Francis. Turning over on his side, he took another moment to admire his French lover. The way his perfect hair was in disarray, yet still seemed perfect. His glistening, hazy blue eyes. His slightly parted lips as he caught his breath. Francis was beautiful every moment of everyday life, but in moments like these, he was absolutely breathtaking.

The lovely moment was ruined however when Francis shrieked, springing up into a seating position: “Arthur! You ruined my mat...It was my favorite too.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you wanted to do this in the first place.”

Arthur went to counter. To say that Francis had said ‘yes’ so he was just as much to blame. But when he met those cerulean blue eyes amongst the red of Francis’s face, all arguments fell away and the desire to hold the man in front of him replaced it. “Fine...I’ll get you a new one,” Arthur said instead.

Francis, being overdramatic and still upset, huffed and turned away from Arthur. Arthur let out an annoyed sigh, but still, he didn’t like seeing the Frenchman like this after sex, so wrapping his arms around Francis’s torso, he began kissing along Francis’s shoulder and back. Eventually, the man relaxed at the touch and leaned back against Arthur.

“I love you and...I-I’m sorry,” Arthur said after a few minutes of cuddling.

“I love you too.”

After a little more cuddling and a few soft kisses, Arthur finally proposed, “We better head to the showers then get dressed and head home.”

Francis hummed in annoyance.

“Come on love. We can pick up dinner and then spend the rest of the night together.”

“Okay,” Francis said, pushing himself up and collecting his clothes.

#nsft #hetalia ns/fw #hetalia #hws #fruk #ukfr #hws france #hws england #hws seychelles #my writing #fanfiction #hetalia fanfiction

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supercorp-hosie · 3 years ago

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Josie and Lizzie personality, dynamics and popularity in reality

I've kind of done this before, like in my thoughts for 315. Now, I've made some additions to them, so I think why not start a new post? There are some points that remained the same with my thoughts for 315 and I've integrated some points from my rating of the writing of Legacies characters too.

Starting from Alaric being an absent father since the twins were 11. Caroline wasn’t there either. What’s left for Lizzie? Josie.

Josie had to handle herself and Lizzie alone. Sure Alaric might not always be absent, but the intensity of Lizzie’s perspective begs to differ. Josie had to understand Bipolar at a very young age; be there when Lizzie had her outburst; constantly checks on Lizzie to take her meds; digest the emotion impacts after the outburst; understand how Lizzie functions when she was down. None of that are easy. No one asks about how Josie feels. How she pent out? What does she need? Josie might feel the need to be not needing things and always be good so that she can get the love and attention from Alaric (in s1, Josie felt the need to lose the game to get on Alaric good side). As results, she just started to suppress her voice and her needs, because Lizzie needed them the most. Over time or years of suppressing in front of her dearest family, she most likely felt unneeded by her parents, and forgettable to her parents (the girl so quiet that her parents forget about her, the girl that Penelope won’t fight for anymore). She needed to feel needed, so she just let Lizzie take all of her, from whom she felt needed the most. It started a vicious cycle for the twins, shaped their dynamics and how Josie is in present days. Unfortunately, her problems were never solved, they accumulated, leaving the good and dark side from Josie being so separated and unbalanced, as no one has helped her to sort them out. The inner turmoil is always there, leading to the extreme polarity of Josie’s good and bad side.When she’s doing bad, she would be especially aggressive than she needed to be because that’s an instinct to compensate the lack of action before. After long suppression, once being released, the instinct would be stronger than usual and more uncontrollable. Under the influence of dark magic, Dark Josie felt like another personality taking over the whole Josie and protect their interests that true Josie are neglecting. Kind of like dissociative identity disorder but not really it? Fear the dog that doesn't bark.

From Lizzie perspective, we can see how she perceived Josie when they were little. Like Lizzie being princess but Josie being her android, personal valet? It just showed that after what Josie had endured and done, Lizzie thought of herself being princess but didn’t think Josie as her equal? Like Josie was programmed to bow to Lizzie. That’s the twins dynamic showing, partly Josie's mistake, but Josie deserved more than that, even when she’s derogatory to herself, Lizzie should uphold that for her. What really warms me from the Android situation, is that from how Josie is the combination of two Androids, showing that Lizzie actually looked up to Josie. For Lizzie, Josie can really take care of her so well that Lizzie can count Josie as her personal valet. Derogatory, yes, but that place is also very important to prince and princess. Remember that Lizzie can’t cook but Josie is like expert in cooking or baking? The knowledge for Android part means that in Lizzie’s mind, Josie actually is like the person who knows everything. Usually that figure should be our parents, but for Lizzie, Josie knows the answer to all. The fact that the special sword was in Josie’s thigh the whole time, just show the trust that Lizzie had in Josie. The security of her needs that Lizzie got from Josie and the validation Josie got from Lizzie, it’s kind of how the codependency between them works. Lizzie voices, Josie listens; Lizzie wants, Josie gives.

About Lizzie mental illness, after my research, I think that Lizzie situation is more like borderline personality disorder rather than bipolar. Lizzie has this low self-esteem issue, she sees herself lowly sometimes. Evidently, she always thinks that she had to better herself more, even in 310 where she misjudged Finch, she forgot the fact that she had improved a lot along the seasons and just go straight to a retreat, because she thinks she’s still a very bad person. A second before she saw herself like holy almighty, the next second she saw herself so bad that she was like the person in season one (and even in season one she wasn’t that bad). However, we can also see Lizzie thinks very highly of herself sometimes, or uses a narcissistic attitude to cover up her insecurities regarding her self-image, they just doesn't match with people's view of it. The most alarming one must be the whole thing about her funeral. It's clear that she hasn’t had a stable self-image of herself, which is more of a personality disorder rather than Bipolar, a mood disorder. About Lizzie’s mood swings, they are too sudden, abrupt, it triggers by events and the outcome of the trigger is quite immediate. As for Bipolar, the mood swing is more of a consistent cycle, not abrupt. Yes, events might trigger something, but they take time to set in. Patients will be overly energetic during maniac while feeling overly fatigue during the depression state. They can’t actually control their mood, it’s a mood disorder.

Tbh, the twins really have their personality issues to deal with. I totally agree with other about them being each other's foil. Like Lizzie being the one in between, while Josie being the one in extreme. Turning out that under the mean girl cover, Lizzie has such big heart; while Josie being the model sister on the extremely good side, turning out that she can be extremely dark. For real, they had like six personalities as a whole. The polarity in Josie; the polarity of Lizzie's self-image; plus the twins themselves being the foil and mirage to each other. They both have serious mental problems, Lizzie's apparent, Josie's invisible.

How does these reflect on their relationship? People would choose to get along with someone like Josie, they benefit from her habit of caring, listening, giving, and she doesn’t seem to have serious problem. As for Lizzie, people mostly like to be heard and to not be covered by another voice, they would want enough reciprocation, a habit which Lizzie is not that familiar. Not to mention, having a mental condition being well-known is not the best trait for strangers to start a new friendship or relationship. Moreover, when people observe their dynamic, they jump to conclusion rather quickly, that Lizzie is always taking things from Josie; she doesn’t care for Josie, etc. It doesn’t help Lizzie much as Josie tends to hide under that too, as being quiet is kind of a routine for her. She wants the spotlight but habitual instincts make her tend to hide from the spotlight. Therefore, as for popularity,Josie is definitely at the top, adored dearly by her peers, thus won an election herself wasn’t even running; while Lizzie, you know. Between a dog that always barks and one that doesn't bark, which will you choose? (not derogatory) However, if someone attack Lizzie, Josie will still protect her, like she did tell Penelope to leave Lizzie alone.

To shed light on Josie’s jealousy, it rooted from the abandonment issues of the twins. It is a consequence of them being Alaric’s second choice and the absence of Caroline. For Lizzie, the issue remains with only Hope, Alaric’s betrayal for Hope in her fanfics; in 314, people prioritising Hope over her is very triggering; even in 316, the heavenly state she’s in because Ethan asked her out after the whole "Hope is perfect" speech, indicate that how she can’t believe someone would choose her over Hope. As she never thinks that she can hold a competition against Hope and win. Lizzie’s abandonment issue is minimal because of the presence of Josie, it provides the security in Lizzie’s life, as she is the first choice for Josie.

The abandonment issue is worse for Josie. Even if Josie is Lizzie blind spot, this part of Lizzie is not usually make known of. Josie would feel that she is second choice to everyone, including Lizzie. Like the personal valet that has no needs? Lizzie is just 11, but 11 is an important age in shaping people’s security in a relationship. Josie couldn’t have got much security from all her important relationship, hence the abandonment issues. She always feels helpless in them, afraid to voice her needs, desperately needed recognition from her parents which is probably very few. She needs control but she didn’t know the way to get it, so she got none. The insecurities heighten when it comes to her love life, making her easily provoked if she saw something she didn’t like. Results from the habitual quietness, her way of defending herself and gaining control is to lower her competition, like hurting the girl hitting on Landon, being hostile to Hope. She hated Penelope for abandoning her, she remained control mostly, when provoked, Josie’s abandonment issues and the insecurities in being the second choice were triggered so badly that she set her on fire. The time she did what she need to do, she overdid it, because her dark side needs to compensate what hadn't been done to protect oneself and tend to the needs – to balance out the imbalance. As she loses more control over the issue while desperately wants to suppress the need of control, the polarity in her keeps worsening and the dark side of her keeps surfacing.

This is why Josie is written to embrace and take care of herself, tend to her needs, like her never need to better herself. Lizzie is written to constantly better herself when she seems like a better person than Josie. Josie’s issues root from years of neglecting her needs, while Lizzie has years of habit of ignorance on how to care when she does care. Therefore, Josie taking care of herself = bettering herself, providing a balance in her so her mental can be stable even when provoke. If Lizzie cannot construct a good self-image, while getting positive feedback to reassure her self-image disparity, she can never overcome her personality disorder. Hence bettering herself to meet her own needs.

Their behaviours as presented are cultivated and shaped by each other under the unhealthy circumstances of their household. It is not logical to only accuse of one twin regarding their behaviours to each other without bringing the other twin and their parents into consideration.

@legacies-supremacy I still remember our twins dynamic discussion, I hope this bring my response as a whole. Btw, you kind of said that in 106, Josie tell Lizzie to go to their party without her several times and Lizzie waited for her? It's not true.

Regarding the whole situation, Josie spent all her time helping Lizzie get ready. When Lizzie is done, she said, "You’re not even dressed, I don’t want to be late on my own party." Josie said, "I’m done, I’ll catch up with you, okay?" Then Lizzie take off to the party and enter without Josie without question. After wearing the talisman, Penelope appeared. She expresses her desire to continue to make Lizzie uncomfortable or unhappy or angry. Josie wanted Penelope to ease up on Lizzie. Penelope said, "You have crawled so far down the codependence rabbit hole that you think taking care of yourself is selfish. Party starts in five. It’s a shame you spent all of that time helping Lizzie get ready." When Josie was dressed, she needed someone to help her braid, so for once she try something out of desire, she goes to Josette Laughlin. When Josette asked her whether Josie will be late to her own party, Josie said, "no one will notice". She expressed her thought that if Lizzie knew about her crush on Rafael too, the situation will look bad, so she kept silent.

During the party, Lizzie immediately enjoyed herself with MG. They had flirty moves with each other (i think). Once the soft music set in, she immediately changed partner. Penelope was the only one that notice Josie was no where to be seen (meanwhile Josie was getting buried alive). While Alaric encountered Hope to save Josie, Penelope is still the only one actively searching for Josie without request. After Hope met with MG and Penelope, the three of them started saving Josie together. Meanwhile Rafael told Lizzie the truth that he still hadn't moved on. Lizzie seemed like she was starting to melt down, and started asking for Josie. Hope, Penelope and MG saved Josie without Lizzie.

It is what it is, and I'm not blaming Lizzie. The whole getting buried alive thing just kind of enhanced Josie's feeling bad of getting what she desired. I kind of remember that she said that for once she listened to people urging her to pursue her desires and it ended up getting herself buried. Then Penelope like rewarded her with a kiss.

#legacies cw #legacies #josie saltzman #lizzie saltzman #josie x lizzie #twin dynamics #analysis #posie #hope mikealson #penelope park #hosie #milton greasley

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missskzbiased · 4 years ago

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I Hate That I’m Afraid to Love You (21)

Genre: Romance, Friendship, Angst, Hurt /Confort , Suggestive, Fluff, College Au, Enemies to Friends to Lovers Au, REALLY Slow burn, Love Square (?)

Pairing: Hyunjin X Fem!Reader X Han X OC

WC: ~ 9,2K

[Previous] [Chap] [Next]

Masterlist

Warnings (general*): Language, Mentions of (Physical abuse, Death/ Loss of Loved One, Child Abandonment/Neglect, Divorce, Toxic Parents, Cancer, Mental disorder, Anxiety Attack, Alcohol, Food), Suggestiveness

Tag List: here

Notes: SO! I hope you guys like it. I’m sorry for the delay. Next one will probably take some time as well. I’m an anarchist now, and updates will come out as I finish the chapters or once a week, no schedules.

PLEASE! Tell me if there is anything you would like to read regarding cute/suggestive scenes so I can include them <3

////

You closed the door behind you with a heavy sigh.

It had been just a few hours ─ if you could call about eight hours just a few ─ but it felt like time enough to last for a week; the exhaustion from a day too long crushing you mercilessly. You hesitated for a second, staring at the woody surface as you held the doorknob, before letting out another sigh while dropping your shoulders. The soft thud that filled your ears as you rested your forehead on the door was somewhat comforting, emphasizing the silence that met you in the living room.

Fucking finally.

Perhaps you were just too overwhelmed by all the things that happened along the day but as you wandered your eyes to the floor ─ meeting the familiar surface under your feet ─ there was an impossibly tight feeling in your chest that urged to be released. The realization that you were indeed at home crawled you little by little, getting to your mind and making you tear up. You never thought that day would come to an end but then you were right there in your living room, enjoying the comforting silence of your home.

You inhaled deeply, feeling every single corner of your lungs being filled by the air and holding it in as you closed your eyes to focus on everything that you shut away inside your head. The flickering thought that crossed your mind ─ two dark orbs that dived into your soul; a hurt twinkle dancing in them ─ made your breath falter for a second. The urge to cry hit you like a truck, and as soon as you choked on your own emotions and memories, the moment died in your throat.

You couldn’t let Paris see you crying for him.

You opened your eyes slowly, frowning as you focused on the complete lack of any sounds in the dorm. Why was it so silent in here? You detached your forehead from the door, turning around with narrowed eyes that roamed around the place just to find it empty. What was going on? You finally placed your eyes on the TV ─ turned off, therefore explaining the lack of the background noises ─, confused as to why Paris wasn’t watching it as usual.

“Paris?” You called unsurely, stepping away from the door to get a better look inside the house, “Paris?” You tried again, knocking on her door before opening it and peeking inside her room. No one to be seen. You frowned as you closed the door, divided between feeling relieved or worried about her absence.

Did she mention anything to you?

You roamed your eyes around the room again, looking for any piece of paper that could vaguely resemble a note but finding nothing in sight. There was something definitely wrong here. It wasn’t like Paris to go out so late at night… Especially without a previous warning. Did something happen to her? You pursed your lips, fumbling through your pockets to find your phone ─ hopeful of any kind of message or missed calls ─ and setting your sadness and tiredness aside for a moment.

No message or missed calls.

As much as you wanted to be alone ─ finally allowed to mourn over your poorly made decisions ─, you didn’t want to be crying while Paris could be out there in need of a friend. At the same time, the realization that it was yet another thing to deal with at the end of this excruciating day didn’t help much. The way your eyes turned watery again brought another heavy sigh out of your lips as you rubbed your face in distress, trying to organize your thoughts.

You pinched your nose bridge ─ index and thumb holding it firmly ─ before you let your fingers slide to make some pressure on your eyes. The motion ─ the closest thing that you would have from a calming massage ─ was barely able to ease your nerves, relieving the pent-up stress in an unsatisfying way that would have to be enough for now. You felt your eyebrows knitting as you tried to hold back your tears; lips quivering and chin trembling.

You had to organize your thoughts… You should be thinking… You should be doing something… You should make a decision… Why weren’t you calling her? Why were your feet stuck on the floor? Why weren’t you running or yelling or crying or –

The creaking sound snapped you out of your thoughts and your eyes glued to the entrance as the opening door revealed a smiling Paris carrying some plastic bags. You let go of your phone to stare at her blankly; arms dropping to your sides as she closed the door behind her. The way she walked to the counter ─ placing the bags there without much thought ─ was an incredible indicator that she was fine as hell and you were worrying over nothing.

Honestly? You didn’t even have the energy to be mad at her.

“You’re here” There was something under her tone that raised your suspicion immediately. The sentence hung in somewhere between excitement and acknowledgment, and you couldn’t help but frown at her input “I bought us some stuff” She shifted to a somewhat knowing tone, looking at you with glinting eyes as she gestured to the bags.

Usually, you would ask what was going on with her. Or at least you would study each motion and pattern she had ever presented to you so you could figure it out. But not today. No… Not today. Today you just wanted to go to your bed, tuck yourself inside your blankets and bawl your eyes out for rejecting Hyunjin.

You wanted to suffer for something you put yourself into and were now regretting. You wanted to be alone, and safe, and able to ignore anything that could add to your already stressful day. You wanted to ignore Paris and any strange antics she was displaying right now for whatever reason she had.

You wanted to feel at home.

“Yeah… Yeah, I’m here” You agreed mindlessly, averting your eyes to your door and nodding your head at it “And now I’m going there,” You said, forcing a small smile as you took the first step to your safety nest. You didn’t miss the way her expression dropped ─ a mix of shock, confusion, and upsetness going through her face ─ but you choose to ignore it as you took another step towards your goal.

“Wait” She blurted; eyes darkening as she looked at you “Don’t you want to tell me about your day?” She sounded conflicted ─ maybe even offended ─ as she crossed her arms over her chest, tilting her head to the side “I thought… I thought that since I missed classes yesterday and we didn’t have much time to talk…” She mumbled unsurely, frowning before averting her eyes “And today…” She trailed off, darting her eyes back to you.

Today?

There was just so much one could ignore and pretend not to notice at all… As much as you wanted to believe it was all a coincidence, you didn’t really think that Paris would show up with your favorite ice cream and wanting to talk about your day ─ especially today ─ if she didn’t know anything. You stopped in your tracks, sighing before turning around to look at her with narrowed eyes.

“What about it?” You asked just to throw her off, watching as she licked her lips before biting them ─ a quirk that showed up every time she was anxious ─ and swallowing dry “Do you have anything to say to me?” It was clear by your tone that you had picked up on something, and the way she darted her eyes around the room to avoid yours was a good indication that she knew it too.

Paris and Chan were working together.

You should have seen it earlier ─ actually, it had been happening quite a lot to you lately, hm? ─ but you had no doubts now. Of course, it could be just another gossip going around… Maybe someone had seen both of you? No… Paris wouldn’t just believe in a rumor like this… Not to the point of showing up with your favorite ice cream and asking about your day… Not to the point to get that disappointed.

On the other side, there was someone who Paris would believe on the spot… Someone that knew far too well why you were waiting for Hyunjin. Someone who knew your feelings and his. Someone who was encouraging you to go after him. Someone who tried to trick him and make him jealous just so he would do something about it. Someone who made sure to clear his real intentions up before walking away… Someone who had been suspiciously close to Paris lately.

There was no way they weren’t working together.

“No… It’s not that I have something to say but…” You watched as she uncrossed her arms, letting them drop to her sides, “I mean… It’s just that I thought… I guessed you would…” She floundered before clearing her throat; the nervous antics confirming your assumptions “… Want some ice cream after a long day?” She risked, forcing a smile that looked more like a grimace than anything else.

“Unbelievable” You scoffed, shaking your head in disbelief.

“Fine!” She whined, pouting as she stomped the floor “Chan told me you and Hyunjin had a talk today, okay?” She confessed bitterly as you threw her a disappointed look “I’m sorry but I am waiting for that ship to sail for too long to not be curious!” She said as if it was a good way to defend herself “Can you blame me for wanting to hear that you finally got someone who loves you?” She tried to appeal, getting another scoff.

“Yes, I can” You said matter-of-factly, huffing before looking away from her for a second “It’s my personal life, Paris! You shouldn’t be meddling with it!” You scolded, returning your gaze to meet hers “Now what? You and Chan will be like two old ladies gossiping about my life behind my back?” You sneered, huffing “My love life is none of your business” You reminded her, tone wavering slightly with the anger boiling inside you.

You weren’t quite sure what made you react the way you did.

It was like your mind had split up into two different trains of thoughts that were totally opposing each other. On one side, you felt the need to be focused and rational, so you pursed your lips and tried to stay composed, pretending to be calm on the outside. On the other side, the sadness was giving way to anger and it boiled and burned you in the unhealthiest way possible.

You wanted to scream and cry and fight and be mad and… Anything.

You wanted anything that could put all your fears away.

Maybe that was why you were being such an asshole.

“Hey” Paris blurted in surprise; brows arching as she stared at you without a clue of what was happening “What the hell?” She didn’t sound offended as she said it but lost, frowning at you while tilting her head “You don’t seem too happy… Didn’t he… I mean… I thought you would be really happy right now” She admitted, trying to play dumb and not give away his feelings.

“Yes, he did” You answered blandly; a faux calm settling in your face as you stared at her blankly “He confessed; if that’s what you’re wondering” Of course, you knew far too well that this was exactly what she wanted to know. You knew that your next line would get you into an argument but somehow you didn’t care; you even urged for it “I rejected him” You stated simply, watching for her reaction.

The expectation raised on you as Paris seemed shocked by your input; eyes lost in yours as she didn’t have a clue of what to do now. You studied the lack of expression on her face, catching the slight change when a hundred thoughts seemed to cross her head at a time. You pursed your lips as her brows slowly knitted together ─ as if each second that went by made her realize what you had just said ─ until she finally frowned at you, mad eyes connecting to yours.

“You did what?!” Her tone was heavy and stern, a reprehension that fueled you as she scrunched her nose to show you how she despised your decision “Y/N!” That was it! That was the anger you were looking for “Why would you do that?! You like him!” She inquired in dismay; eyes diving into yours to find any signs that could explain your behavior.

“What does it have to do with anything?” You knew you were being obnoxious and Paris swallowed it hook, line and sinker. The way her eyes glinted in disappointment and outrage fueled you to keep pushing her boundaries “I don’t get why you’re so interested… It’s not like you want him anyway” She scoffed, averting her eyes to try and not take her anger out on you.

“You know what?” She sighed, still refusing to look at you “I don’t get you” She shook her head in wonder; the grimace present in her face insinuating how pissed off she was “I don’t get what is going on inside your head… I really don’t” She admitted, returning her gaze to you “You’re being ridiculous and I know you know it” She added “I just don’t understand why” She stared at you, disgusted at your antics.

“Maybe you should ask Chan” You taunted, getting a scoff as she rolled her eyes, tilting her head to look at the ceiling in a fed-up manner. You watched her curiously, waiting for her to blow up but she didn’t. Paris returned her gaze to you once more and threw you a look that almost made you ashamed of yourself.

Almost.

Because that was exactly what you wanted.

You longed for her outburst.

“I’m not going to play this game” She smirked knowingly; surprising you as she seemed to pick up on your plans “If you want to fight, you need to do way better than that” She grimaced, shaking her head to show that she wouldn't give what you wanted “If you have all this energy to keep bullshiting me then go to Hyunjin and sort things out, Y/N” She sighed, scowling “What do you expect me to do? Yell at you?” She scoffed, arching her brows skeptically.

“Yes…” You didn’t intend to answer her so honestly but before you knew it, the word hung in the air heavily, making you shrink. You lowered your head, peeking at her reaction just to see her expression morphing into a surprised one, clearly not expecting you to actually answer her “I mean… No, of course not” You lied, voice so low that you couldn’t even convince yourself.

“I don’t understand” She admitted simply, tilting her head in wonder. You noticed how she started moving away from the counter ─ careful as a hunter afraid that their prey might run away ─ and came in your direction with hesitant steps “Why would you want me to yell at you?” She asked with caution, glancing at you unsurely.

“Because I deserve it…” You muttered under your breath, prompting her to hum in confusion, questioning you again without any words “Because I deserve it!” You finally snapped; head going up to allow you to meet her eyes. She yelped ─ startled at your break out ─, looking at you with wide confused eyes that couldn’t grasp what was going on “Because I’m a coward, Paris!” You added; voice shaking as you let the tears roll down your face and eyes overflowing with hurt and regret.

“Y/N…” She mumbled; pity oozing from her eyes.

“Don’t Y/N me!” You cut her off “Yell at me, Paris! For Lord’s sake! Yell at me! Tell me I’m wrong! Tell me I’m awful! Anything!” You wailed, hand going to rub your face and wipe away some of the tears “Anything! Just tell me that I’m a coward! Tell me that I do nothing but run away! Tell me…” You hicked up, choking on your own tears as you let yourself slowly go to the ground.

You curled up as you sat, rocking your body back and forward.

“Tell me I don’t deserve him… Tell me I blew everything up…” You begged, raising your eyes to meet hers. You could feel your face twisting in a pained grimace that threw her off for a second “Tell me I’m a coward, Paris… Please, tell me I’m a coward…” You couldn’t help but curl up again, hands pressing hard against your eyes as you let all your feelings out of your chest; the crying loud and ungraceful.

She stared at you silently; gaze burning your skin.

“Why don’t you yell at me?” You mewled; swollen eyes going back to meet hers in a suffering question that you knew she wouldn’t answer “Why can’t you do this, Paris? I’ve been bad… I did everything wrong again… I messed everything up and I can’t stop doing it!” She kept her silent stare at you, and the lack of response prompted you to keep rambling “I run and run and run and run… And I keep coming back to the same mistakes again, Paris” You vented; hand going to rub your running nose and wet cheeks.

Again, she just stared at you.

“Say something!” You yelled, eyebrows knitting together in renewed anger “Anything, Paris! Hit me if you want! I don’t know… Just…” You tried to fight back the quivering in your lips, tangling yourself with your own arms before lowering your head again “Just hurt me…” You pleaded, shutting your eyes as much as you could “Gimme a reason to cry, Paris…” You choked on your own words, hiding your face from her as you burst out in tears once more “I don’t wanna cry for him” You mumbled, voice muffled.

The steps echoed in the room along with your crying but you didn’t raise your head to follow her path, shrinking when you felt two arms wrapping you. The warmth provided was very welcomed, and you leaned on her touch; the unexpected tenderness being enough for you to pour everything out of your chest. You felt Paris kissing the top of your head, no words being said as she silently supported you through your breakdown.

“I’m so sorry” You howled but what you really meant was thank you.

////

You stared at the dancing branches above you.

The light beams that managed to get through the heavy layer of leaves decorating said branches painted the air with thin yellowish strings that caught your attention. You let your mind wander as your eyes followed every single notch that came together into a messy crease pattern, getting distracted by the falling leaves that blocked the beams every once in a while. The moment meant to be calming and reassuring to your soul but you couldn’t help but feel melancholic as the grass underneath you tickled your skin, reminding you of brighter days.

It was kind of funny how the blue sky peeking at you behind the treetop, the insufferably shiny sun casting beams all around, and the perfectly shaped clouds couldn’t brighten up your mood. As much as you could tell that this was a beautiful day ─ maybe the most beautiful day of the whole season ─, you couldn’t feel healed by any of this. You could see it was all dazzling and colorful and perfect… Yet, you felt exactly the same as if it was a cloudy rainy day with nothing but grey to take in.

The wind fanned all over the place; a soft puff that intensified the branches’ dance and disturbed the sunbeams’ path, allowing it to hit right at your face. The forced warmth wasn’t enjoyable and the sudden brightness that hit your eyes was even less welcomed, prompting you to close them shut. The motion was harmless and it wouldn’t bring you any suffering on any other day but something about it brought you everything you were trying to push aside right now.

Perhaps it was the fact that you cried so much on the day before that your swollen eyes felt too heavy ─ even if you had plenty of time to get used to it by noon ─ and closing them just reminded you of your own feelings. Perhaps it was the fact that closing your eyes brought you the urge to cry again ─ even if you had already cried enough for an entire lifespan ─, reminding you of the sadness you pretended not to feel right now. Perhaps it was the fact that the blackness and emptiness behind your eyelids served as a screen to project all of the details ─ his eyes, his mole, his nose, his smile, his dimples, his tears… Just all of him ─ that you didn’t want to remember.

You exhaled heavily.

Perhaps it was because you were a fucking masochist that decided to lie down under the very same tree that witnessed everything… From your laughter ─ such as when you caught him pretending to read a book ─ to your bonding ─ such as when he cried while venting about his insecurities ─ to your confession ─ such as when he kissed you as if you were the only thing that mattered in his world ─ to your departure… Such as when you walked away from him, leaving all your true feelings unspoken.

Yeah, perhaps it was because you were a masochist.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” You snapped your eyes open, startled at the sudden intrusion as Chan’s voice made its way to your head “Do you mind explaining to me why the fuck are you lying down under this damn tree instead of making out with the bloody guy I had to trick to confess his own feelings to you?!” You sighed; eyes softening into a vulnerable gaze as you shifted to sit down and look at him “Because I sure as hell don’t have a fucking clue!” He groaned, clasping his hands together as he met your gaze in a demanding and inquiring glare.

“I don’t know what you want me to say” You confessed, exhaling heavily as you crossed your legs, resting your arms on your lap as you lifted your chin to fully return his gaze. He scoffed ─ closing his hands on a fist as he bit his lips to hold back a comment that would have probably hurt you ─ before throwing his head back to huff at the sky. Chan returned his eyes to you with nothing but outrage, grimacing before pinching his nose bridge tiredly, trying to stay composed.

The façade didn’t last even for a second.

“Say that you fucking love him!” He snapped, floundering his hands in the air to try and calm down “Wasn’t that what you wanted to say to him?” He asked in distress, eyes urging for your answer “Isn’t this how you feel?” He insisted, offering you a lost and yet frustrated look that prompted you to sigh “Just go and kiss him! I don’t know!” He pressed his temples, closing his eyes as he exhaled heavily to try and organize his thoughts.

You stared at him blankly, studying his upset features for a few seconds before you lowered your head, focusing your gaze on your lap. Contrary to what you would have expected, the sudden outburst didn’t startle you. If nothing else, his scolding felt like a warm comforting hug and a pat on the back. It was just what you needed. The way he yelled those words at you ─ demanding to know why you had chickened out like that ─ was just like hearing everything going on inside your head out loud.

There was something about hearing it from him and not from yourself ─ from actually hearing it and not just torturing yourself with those thoughts ─ that fulfilled your needs. It felt real. It was like all those words and feelings weren’t just inside your head anymore. You weren’t the one mourning and reliving everything. You weren’t the only one who despised your actions; plus, you could see it plastered over his face in a way that was impossible to ignore.

And you didn’t want to.

As you looked at him, you felt the urge to take care of Chan… To calm him down… To soothe him. This feeling ─ the kindness that finally ran through your veins instead of the hatred and contempt ─ was strong enough to distract you from your mind. Maybe that was what you really needed. Although you could reach out for Chan─ place your hand on his ankle and squeeze it reassuringly ─, you couldn’t do the same for yourself.

You didn’t deserve it.

The disappointment you held for your actions was too much to allow you to be this kind to someone so unworthy of it as you. The way you saw it, there were just two possible ways to deal with it. You either cried everything out ─ and you didn’t think you had the right to do it ─ or you relived it over and over again ─ punishing yourself for being like this.

There was no time to be kind to someone like you.

But you could be kind to Chan.

Maybe it could make you worthy of something other than hatred.

You didn’t need any words as you lifted your eyes to meet his; thumb rubbing circles on his skin and lips twisting in a small smile that was meant to tranquilize him. You sensed it wasn’t the right time to talk ─ as you could see in his embarrassed and regretful eyes ─, so you waited patiently for him to say something, giving him enough time to think about whatever was going on inside his head. He let out a heavy sigh, sitting down across you and taking your hand into his, holding it gently as he stared straight into your eyes with a tiredness you never saw before.

“I’m sorry” He huffed, hold tightening just a little bit as if to say that he meant it “I shouldn’t have yelled at you like this” You couldn’t help but fight back a smile, finding it amusing how he was so apologetic about something that made you feel so at ease. You shook your head ─ a slow motion that was meant to conceive how untroubled you were about his behavior ─ before smiling at him, dismissing the idea that you were somewhat offended by anything he said “I’m just really tired…” He sighed, rubbing his face in distress.

“Why? What happened?” You asked softly, and he scoffed before looking away in disbelief. As you stared at his profile, you noticed the dark circles under his eyes but you choose not to comment on it “Do you need my keys?” You offered, tilting your head as you tried to read his expression but getting nothing out of it.

“Are you really going to ignore why I’m here?” He asked grudgingly, returning his eyes to you “Y/N… I thought you loved him” He admitted “I really did… I…” He chuckled bitterly, pinching his nose bridge before sighing one more time “I spent all night long watching ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ and seeing Hyunjin crying and eating everything he could find in his way” He confessed, and the picture was somewhat funny and yet depressing.

You didn’t answer him; there was nothing to say.

“If I’m gonna be honest with you… I thought you guys were meant for each other” He scoffed “I thought you loved him as he loves you… I thought you guys shared so many struggles that you could heal one another… I thought…” He hesitated, letting his shoulders drop as he lowered his gaze to his lap “I thought you would say yes, Y/N…” He confessed, clearly disappointed at you.

He let the silence hang in the air, expecting you to say something.

You didn’t.

“Nothing?” He sighed “Really?” He raised his gaze to meet yours.

“I don’t know what you want from me, Chan” You tried your best to let your tone unwavering but you failed, and you knew it. You noticed how his eyes twinkled, picking up on your oddness “What do you want me to do?” You asked obnoxiously, scoffing as you looked away “Lie to him?” You felt your lips twitching slightly; the lie tasting too bitter for you to keep a straight face.

“Haven’t you done that already?” He asked knowingly; voice softening as he seemed to figure out everything “Y/N…” He smiled kindly; the corner of his lips sinking just enough to show his dimples as he played with your fingers “Why are you lying to yourself?” He didn’t sound judgingly but gentle, trying to look into your eyes but failing as you avoided his gaze for dear life “You love him” He stated matter-of-factly, chuckling in relief.

“No, I don’t,” You scoffed, still refusing to meet his eyes.

“So what is this for?” He asked, hand going to your face.

You allowed him to lift your chin and guide you to look at him, shivering as his finger slid from there to the corner of your eyes. You knew far too well what he was going to find there. You pursed your lips as firm as you could, trying to hold back everything that you wanted to pour out of your chest. He caressed your skin gently, and you could feel the faint watery sensation there as he let go of your face to show you his finger; a single drop balanced in there.

You closed your eyes, refusing to acknowledge it.

He chose to stay silent, waiting for you to be comfortable enough to say something. Anything. The way your entire face twitched and spasmed ─ especially your jaw that seemed settled in quivering nonstop ─ brought the realization that it was too late. You couldn’t fight back your tears anymore. You threw your face back, opening your eyes in a vain attempt to allow the soft wind to dry your tears away but it didn’t. The way you clenched your jaw and tensioned your throat did nothing but bring you pain before you finally let everything out, bursting into tears.

“Why are you doing this to me?” You howled, choking on your own feelings as you threw Chan a look that was meant to be a glare but turned out to be more of a cry for help “I don’t want to talk about it… I don’t want to feel it, Chan!” Both of your hands shot to your eyes, pressing them firmly to try and hold back the tears “I don’t want to love him!” You cried, shaking your head repeatedly “I don’t want to!” You insisted, voice stressing in a pained mewl.

“But he loves you, Y/N” He pointed out carefully, placing his hand on your head to stroke your hair gently “He really does” He reassured you, body sliding on the grass ─ the soft sound giving him away ─ to get a place beside you. He let his hand trail down to your back before sneaking to your shoulder and trying to pull you closer to him but you didn’t give in to his touch “There is no need for you to run away… He’s already yours” He hunched his back to try and take a look at your face but you still had your hands over your eyes “Why not take this chance?” He tried again, and this time it was too much for you.

“Because I’m a coward, Chan!” You snapped, removing your hands from your eyes and glaring at him “Because I’m a fucking coward that can’t face my own feelings!” You cried, connecting your eyes to his even though you couldn’t clearly see him “Is that what you want me to say?!” You let the corner of your lips quiver, knitting your eyebrows together “Do you want to hear that I won’t ever have someone to love because I’ll keep running away from it?!” You choked, overwhelmed by everything that crashed over your feelings.

You threw your head back, feeling the tears streaming down your face.

“Do you want to hear that no matter how much I run, I always end up in the same place?!” You scoffed ─ almost a whimper as your throat tightened by the second ─ before returning your eyes to him “No matter how much I run, Chan… I run and run and run and run… And I always…” You took a deep breath, air wavering to get into your lungs “Always” You emphasized, averting your eyes from him “End up alone, Chan” You muttered, hugging yourself as you lower your gaze.

“Y/N…” He whispered, shocked by everything you spilled on him.

“I don’t want to be alone, Chan” You howled, throwing your arms around him as you shoved your face on the crook of his neck, letting your tears soak his shirt. He wrapped you up in his arms, rubbing gentle circles on your back as he let his lips graze over your strands “Just don’t leave me alone…” You pleaded in a choked way that prompted him to shush you.

“Never…” He promised quietly “I would never”

////

How exactly did you end up in this situation?

You cut the beef on your plate awkwardly as you avoided looking him in the eyes, the scratching cringe noise making you shrink and grimace as you fixed your gaze on the fork and the knife in your hands. Now that you thought about it, maybe you should have weighted your options a little bit more… Wisely. It was too late for that, though, as Han sighed before dropping his cutlery in his plate, raising his eyes to stare at you uncomfortably.

“Lemme see if I got this right…” He said, covering his mouth and muffling his voice as he tried to manage swallowing down his food and talking at the same time “You’re asking me advice about your relationship with Hyunjin?” He stressed out the word love, throwing you a skeptical look “Because I hate him” He added in confusion, frowning at you.

“Yeah…” You cleared your throat, refusing to look in his eyes “Pretty much yeah” You risked a glance at him, bringing the food to your mouth as you tried to buy some time. He stared at you fixedly; head slightly tilted down, which made him look judging and attentive as you munched your food. It went down your throat as gently as a rock, prompting you to cough “I mean… Is tha such a weird thing?” You shrugged but the answer was quite obvious.

Yes.

“Kinda” He chuckled, arching his eyebrow funnily “I mean… You stumble over me on the way to have lunch” He raised his index finger in a counting motion “You comment on how Hyunjin missed today’s classes and how Paris saw him wandering around and went after him, leaving you alone” He pulled the second finger “You have puffed eyes and dark circles and look like literal shit” He pulled the third finger, and you couldn’t help but to chortle.

“Oh, Thank you!” You chirped mockingly, lifting your head so you could fully stare at him, “Such a nice thing to say” You pointed out playfully, getting him to pale and deadpan at you for a second. You could almost hear his system rebooting but it didn’t prevent you from laughing at his face “I’m just kidding” You decided to take pity on him.

“That was totally not what I meant!” He reassured you eagerly; system finally back and eyes settling for desperation “You’re beautiful as fuck, I swear!” He rushed to say, frowning at his own words “No! I mean… Not like beautiful in a flirting way, you know? Just like beautiful as… As in beauty and... Hm…” He rambled, seeming embarrassed as he trailed off and stared at your grin “You know what? You can do the talking” He sighed, holding his cutlery again and shoving food in his mouth.

“I think the saddest part is that you’re still being awkward as fuck around me” You mentioned, leaning back on your chair as you tilted your head and looked at him teasingly “The bright side is that you always were kinda weird anyway” You joked, prompting him to lightly kick you under the table and making you laugh.

“Ha-Ha! You’re hilarious” He rolled his eyes, shaking his head in disbelief “Pardon me for not wanting to make it more awkward than it already is” He grumbled; mouth making soundless complaints as he took another bite at his food “I mean─ I literally confessed to your all sweaty and smelly and mouth full of sauce… God, that was terrible” He cringed, hand going to hide his face “And then I go all–” He scoffed, taking his hands away from his face “You’re so beautiful” He spoke in a silly low tone, mocking himself.

“If it makes you feel any better this is the first time that I genuinely laugh in three days” You offered him, face twisted in a playful frown “Also… You weren’t that smelly and sweaty… You didn’t practice hard enough that day, I think” You taunted, and he snorted before looking to the ceiling and huff.

“Okay… So first: No, it doesn’t make me happy” He knitted his eyebrows together, throwing you an inquiring look “You literally just said you’ve been sad for three days” He pointed out, eyes widening slightly to emphasize his sentence “And two: Coach practically shoved that ball up in my ass! How can you say that?!” He whined, grimacing grudgingly at you.

You laughed at that ─ like wholeheartedly laughed at that ─, and for a second you actually believed that your attempt to brush aside your feelings was working out. Silly you. It struck you again ─ just like a truck ─ and your laughter died in your throat little by little until the twinkle in your eyes vanished like the flame of a blown candle. Something about it must have caught his attention because Han mimicked your expression, staring fixedly at your face as he waited for you to voice out your thoughts.

You didn’t.

“Everything fine?” He asked concerned as you didn’t offer anything back. Hell no… No, it’s not fine. You could never voice it out loud, though, even if it was the truth, “What’s with that face?” He risked, arching his brows to invite you to answer his question.

“Got it when I was born” You tried to joke it off.

“I see your jokes didn’t get any better” He taunted; a playful tone trying to mask the worry you could see in his eyes. He cleared his throat before reaching out for you; hand slowly slinking its way to lay on top of yours in a reassuring motion. The situation itself made you fight back a smile, and you found it somewhat cute the way he tried to push aside his shyness to make sure you were okay.

“Tough crowd” You smirked at him, and as much as he rolled his eyes playfully, you knew he wasn’t buying your cunningness. Wasn’t the fact that you could deceive neither of you kinda funny? You sighed heavily as you lowered your eyes, knowing that pretending there was nothing going on inside your head wouldn’t get you anywhere “Hyunjin confessed to me” You admitted dejectedly, peeking at him to see his reaction.

Contrary to what you expected, Han didn’t seem surprised or enraged at all, deadpanning at your statement for a few seconds before clearing his throat again and lowering his gaze. He didn’t say anything for a while, diving deep into his thoughts and pursing his lips as his eyes changed from time to time. Maybe you shouldn’t discuss your love life with a friend that confessed to you not that long ago… But now was a little bit too late for that.

Were you capable of doing something right at this point? You didn’t think so. You sighed heavily as you studied his features, wondering how could you have put so much unnecessary stuff on everybody’s shoulders in so little time. To be fair, you had a lot on your plate right now… It didn’t mean you had the right to fill someone else’s cup, though. You opened and closed your mouth a few times, ready to push the subject aside and move on to any other thing but Han beat you to it.

“So you love him?” Han’s tone wasn’t really loud but it startled you just like he had shouted right to your ears and then hit you in the face. You didn’t even answer him, mouth closing shut and eyes staring at him blankly for a few seconds as your system seemed to reboot “You wouldn’t tell me he confessed to you if you weren’t interested…” He mused, narrowing his eyes at your reaction “But you rejected him” He assumed wisely, stating it in a matter-of-factly way that made you wonder when did he start to actually be able to figure out what was going through your head.

There was no way of taking it back now.

“Love is a strong word” You mumbled, averting your eyes from him and fixing it on your plate again; fork poking the food and scrambling things all over. Well… As people say: You are what you eat. You grimaced bitterly at the sight, grossed out at the mixture you did yourself and dropping your fork with a clink before swallowing down the lump on your throat.

“Yeah… It is quite strong” He agreed softly, almost sounding mindlessly before he squeezed your hand once to invite you to look at him “But is it the right word?” He questioned solemnly, and you could only be thankful for not giving in to his squeeze and refusing to meet his eyes, or else he would have seen things you didn’t want to show to anyone.

Things you were trying to hide from yourself.

The truth was that the rollercoaster of emotions you had experienced through Wednesday and Thursday brought you a realization: There was no way to fight those feelings away. Well… If you were really being honest with yourself there might be a way but you just didn’t have enough willpower to succeed in it. If you had feelings for him but you didn’t want to and you couldn’t fight them away, there was just one other option available for you… Ignore them.

Initially, you felt guilty for trying to fight away your feelings. Especially with how harsh you were about it while rejecting Hyunjin. Although you weren’t rude, you weren’t gentle as well… You were raw, to say the very least. You knew how much it meant for him to face his fears and voice his feelings out loud. You knew hard it must have been for him to say that he loved you and wanted to be with you even though he was terrified of bonding. Now, you couldn’t feel guilty at all.

Now, you couldn’t help but think that you should feel proud of what you were doing. So what If you were running away from your feelings? So what if you were scared to handle this maturely? So what if you didn’t want to risk your mental health for him? You weren’t meant to do this. It wasn’t your job to take. You shouldn’t feel sorry for protecting yourself from the instability that was bound to come from this relationship.

You shouldn’t feel sorry for running away again.

It didn’t matter how many times you chanted it to yourself, you couldn’t help but feel guilty anyway. In retrospect, you couldn’t remember a time when you managed to overcome your feelings… You couldn’t point out one time that you didn’t give up and decided to run away… You couldn’t point out one time that you fought for dear life for something you wanted. And it destroyed you. You couldn’t help but run away from your problems and every single time you did it, nothing was resolved.

Your father? You watched as he walked away from your life and you did nothing about it. You let him abandon you and your mother and when he came back ─ as if nothing had happened ─, you let him walk into your mother’s life just so you could follow your own path. Your mother? You left her behind just like your father; ran away from all the problems she got you and herself into and didn’t even look behind. You let her with the one man you could never trust for the rest of your life and pretended you weren’t as bad as him in the most hypocritical way you could ever have done. Hyunjin? You rejected him as if you didn’t love him as much as he loves you… You settled on finding a reason why you shouldn’t love him back and held on to it for dear life.

Maybe, if you could convince yourself he wasn’t good enough for you, then you could finally let him go. Maybe, if you ignore your feelings like you had been doing throughout all your life, you would eventually grow used to it. Just like, eventually, the pain of being left behind was manageable enough. Just like, eventually, the disgust of acting like your father was manageable enough. Just like, eventually, the façade that you weren’t just like him was manageable to maintain. Just like, eventually, you would be capable to manage to not feel affected by your feelings for him.

You didn’t need to fight it because, eventually, it wouldn’t even affect you anymore. You didn’t need to be a fighter ─ to be fair, you weren’t really a good one ─, you just needed to be a good runner. And that you could do for dear life. You were a hella of a runner and if you needed you would be the best of them all. You would run away from your feelings for dear life. You would proudly and actively pretend that not seeing him in the morning didn’t affect you. You would convince yourself that knowing he couldn’t even bear to go to the same classes as you didn’t affect you.

You would convince yourself that this was your best choice.

You would convince yourself that the tight feeling in your chest meant nothing but an overattachment that you would be able to manage eventually. You would convince yourself that the fact that you kept turning your back to people didn’t affect you… That you weren’t afraid of being abandoned again… That you weren’t afraid of not being enough… That you weren’t afraid of being crazy just like your mother… That you weren’t afraid of being untrustworthy just like your father… That you weren’t afraid of running over and over and over–

“Hm… Y/N?” Han called you unsurely, trying to catch your attention by waving his hand right in front of your face “You’re still with me?” He asked jokingly; a vain attempt to lighten up your mood. You blinked a few times, trying to regain consciousness. What were you talking about before? You didn’t even remember anymore “So… Do you love him?’ He cleared his throat, searching for your eyes.

“What I feel doesn’t really matter” You dismissed his question, though your answer made it quite obvious “What matters is that I don’t think he’s the right person for me” You lied but the scoff you got as an answer was a good indication that Han wasn’t buying it at all “And Paris and Chan don’t seem to share my vision… And I was wondering if…” You glanced at him unsurely “You know?” You grimaced sheepishly.

“You were wondering if I wasn’t up to badmouth him since I hate the dude” He completed for you, arching his brow amusedly “You want me to say that he’s a fuckboy and there is no way that he loves you for real and you shouldn’t fall for his charms, right?” He licked his lips, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back in his chair “You want me to say that he’ll cheat on you and hurt you because he’s a huge piece of shit” He added, and you felt your throat itching to refute him, and yet you urged to believe in it.

“Yeah… Kinda” You nodded, getting a chuckle as an answer.

“This can never get out of here…” He muttered, moving forward to lean on the table as he cupped his mouth to mockingly pretend to tell you a secret “And I mean never” He emphasized; eyes glinting in amusement. You nodded, confused as to why he was acting so lighthearted to the fact that you just implied you loved Hyunjin and needed reassurance that not acting on it was the right choice.

“Just spill it” You rushed him, frowning in confusion.

“I don’t think I can give you what you need” He admitted, and to say that you were flabbergasted would be an understatement. You gawked at him, surprised to see him shrugging his shoulders as he returned to his seat “I know I tried to meddle a lot in your love life… And I know I said he just wanted to get into yours and Paris’ pants that day” He coughed to hide his embarrassment, eyes darting around before fixing on you again “But the truth is that… He did a lot for you guys” He said grudgingly.

There was no fucking way.

“You’re kidding me, right?” You scoffed “What happened to your attitude?! You hated him!” You scowled; the rage suddenly building up. What were you going to do now?! You were counting on it! You needed to hear someone supporting your decisions! “Now what?! The fact that he fucked the whole campus doesn’t matter anymore?! The fact that he’s always pissing you off?! The fact that he’s annoying to the point of being obnoxious?!” You slammed the table, though it wasn’t strong enough to catch anyone’s attention.

“I don’t believe I’ll have to say it…” He sighed; the grimace that narrowed his eyes ─ as well as the whining and ridiculous whimpering ─ showing that he wasn’t happy to say what he was about to say “So what about the fact that he went way out of his way to help Paris?” He scowled as he defended him “Or the fact that you’re constantly defending him when I roast him?” He added, eyebrows moving to emphasize his point “Or the fact that both of you always seem comfortable around him even though he’s a dick? Or the fact that you literally let him kiss you on the stairs?” He pursed his lips judgingly, and you couldn’t help but feel your face burning at that.

“It was a fake kiss!” You retorted eagerly “And what about the fact that you were always dismissing all those arguments?! What about the fact that I don’t want to hear his good points but his bad ones?! What about the fact that I’m freaking the hell out here?!” You yelled, getting up from your chair and placing your hands on the table to look more threatening “You were supposed to tell me that he sucks, Han” You whined “I need you to help me hate the idea of being with him” You sighed tiredly, returning to your seat.

“No, Y/N…” He offered you a small smile, reaching for your hands once again “You need to face your emotions” He said softly, rubbing circles on your skin “You were the one to encourage me to tell my father my real thoughts… My dreams…” He sounded grateful, and you couldn’t help but stare deeply into his eyes “I was afraid too, you know? I was afraid I would disappoint him… I was afraid… Well, it doesn’t matter” He chuckled, shrugging “The point is that you’re afraid of your feelings… You’re afraid of being hurt” He moved his hand to your cheek, cupping it gently.

You lowered your gaze, unable to look him in the eyes right now.

“And it’s normal” He reassured you “But to be honest with you… I don’t think you would be like this if you didn’t believe he loved you back” He admitted, prompting you to nod softly “You would just know that you couldn’t give in to your feelings and be firm about it… I was on the other side once, I should know it” He laughed, making you cringe for a second “If you love him and you really think he loves you back… I mean… Someone who comes to his enemy to ask for help for a friend couldn’t be that bad, hm?” He offered you, and this time you looked at him again, catching the disgust in his features.

“Who would think that you would come to like him one day” You joked, chuckling as he scrunched his nose and retreated his hands from you, shaking his head eagerly to dismiss the thought.

“Not a word about it to him!” He said threateningly, narrowing his eyes at you “If he comes even close to knowing that I don’t hate him that much now, I’ll make your life a living hell!” He grumbled, making you laugh wholeheartedly.

“You know what?” You rested your cheek on your hand, leaning on the table “I think you deserve a hot dog tonight” You offered him, a grateful smile on your face “Really… Thank you for saying that” You sighed “I think… I mean… I knew it was the right choice but…” You cleared your throat “You inspire me to be bolder, Han” You cringed, hiding your face behind your hand “God! I’m so cheesy and emotional nowadays” You grimaced, making a gagging sound as you let your index go into your mouth jokingly.

So maybe you were freaking out about your emotions… Maybe you were too afraid of being hurt and hurting him… Maybe you were terrified of not being enough for someone you loved so much. Again. Maybe you were terrified of not being able to support him… Maybe you were just too afraid to allow yourself to fully express your feelings for him… But that was why you were in therapy.

You would learn how to deal with your struggles…

Eventually, you wouldn’t be so afraid anymore…

Eventually, you would learn to manage it.

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senacal · 4 years ago

Note

Hello! Could you do a jealous! Erik Lensherr x Reader. Theyre both professors and all btw. Thanks!

Assumptions

Request: Requested by a lovely Anon 💕

Pairing: Erik Lehnsherr x Gender Neutral Reader

Prompt: Hello! Could you do a jealous!Erik Lensherr x Reader. They’re both professors and all btw. Thanks!

Warnings: Misunderstandings, jealousy

Abbreviations: (Y/F/N)- your full name, (Y/N)- your name

Author’s Note: 😬 Sorry this took so long to get out, I had a little bit of writer’s block and of course my dear friend, no motivation. The reader is gender-neutral cause I wasn’t sure what was wanted.

As always, Requests Are Open!

(Not my Gif)

(Y/F/N) loved their job. They couldn’t explain what had convinced them to teach at Charles Xavier’s school for gifted youngsters; perhaps it was Charles Xavier himself, or more likely, the student’s enthusiasm to learn from them. (Y/N) never expected to be a teacher, considering their high school and college experiences weren’t the most exciting or thrilling. They were almost convinced Teachers hated them, which is why it was ironic that they had become a teacher.

It was a year after (Y/N) had begun teaching that they had met Erik Lehnsherr. He was… different. Not in a bad way, but he was closed off. And he only ever talked to Charles, Raven, and occasionally Hank. For a month, (Y/N) thought he didn’t speak. There was nothing wrong with that either; a few of their students preferred to remain mute, and some students preferred to use Sign Language over speaking to communicate with (Y/N). So, if Erik was mute, it wasn’t an issue. (Y/N) wanted to get to know him better. Which was why they had attempted to be Erik’s friend.

Whenever Erik would enter a room, (Y/N) would casually make their way to him and make small talk. Most of the time they were met with silence. (Y/N) could have sworn Erik smiled the last time they talked to him, so they knew they were getting somewhere. Soon enough, Erik would start responding to them, small-short answers at first, but it was still something. (Y/N) even asked him if they were bugging him when the short answers continued. (He said no, but (Y/N) wasn’t so sure). Sometimes they wished they were an empath so they could get a read on Erik’s feelings, but alas, they were only able to heal an object’s physical wounds. But it was okay because they were a valued member of the team and Charles, Raven, and Hank loved them for them.

(Y/N) was almost worried Erik would never open up to them, but as soon as he joined the staff of Charles Xavier’s school, (Y/N) noticed Erik lingering near their classroom. It was almost as if he was seeking them out. (Y/N)’s heart fluttered in giddiness at the mere thought. Whenever they saw Erik in the halls, Erik would greet them with a hello and a kind smile. It was the best part of their day.

It got to the point where (Y/N) would expect to see Erik before they both went to their respective classes, (Y/N) to anatomy, and Erik to physics. This was why they found it disappointing that Erik was nowhere to be found. They wouldn’t have been too worried because even mutants got the flu and needed a vacation, but it was now the fourth day that (Y/N) hadn’t seen Erik and it was very concerning. Did something happen? Did Erik get hurt? Was he seriously ill? Did he leave again? Did he just not want to see (Y/N)? (Y/N) couldn’t stop their mind from jumping to conclusions. It even distracted them from their teaching, so they would often dismiss their class early. Why waste their’s and their student’s time if they couldn’t concentrate? In fact, with the constant short classes, (Y/N) shouldn’t have been surprised to see Charles stroll into their classroom.

“(Y/N), may I speak with you?” Charles asked once it was apparent that (Y/N) was too wrapped up in their thoughts to notice Charles.

“Hmm? Oh, sorry Charles, I’m just a bit distracted, what’s up?” They asked. (Y/N) sat at their desk hoping the steady position will get them to focus on Charles.

“It’s come to my attention that you’ve been letting the students out of class early the past few days, is anything the matter?” Charles asked.

“Oh, uh, no, I just, I’ve been distracted lately is all,” (Y/N)’s cheeks flushed in shame. They couldn’t let this issue affect their job any more than it already has.

“Distracted… by anything in particular?” He moved his wheelchair closer to (Y/N).

(Y/N) shifted so they could face Charles, “Is Erik okay?”

Charles raised his brows, “Why wouldn’t he be?”

“No reason, I just haven’t seen him is all, I was concerned,” (Y/N) shrugged. Maybe Erik really was avoiding them.

“He’s fine. I mean he was acting odd around me as well, but he said he was distracted. Seems to be a lot of that going on around here these days,” Charles nudged (Y/N)’s hand with a teasing smile.

(Y/N) huffed a small laugh, “I suppose I’m not the only one,” they drummed their fingers on their lap, “Don’t laugh, but I think Erik might be avoiding me and I’m kind of afraid that it might actually be true.”

“I won’t laugh at that, but Erik is a complex person. Sometimes he feels the need to isolate himself when he’s troubled, that could be why he’s been staying away,” Charles shrugged.

Charles had a point, Erik didn’t seem the type to confide in someone if something was troubling him.

Charles grabbed (Y/N)’s hand, “I hope everything works itself out, can’t have my best teacher struggling.”

(Y/N) smiled gratefully at Charles’s blatant concern. He was their best friend and they knew he was merely concerned for them. Before they could respond with reassurance, however, Erik stepped into the classroom.

“Oh, sorry, I- sorry,” Erik ran his hand through his hair, “Can I ask,” He pointed from Charles to (Y/N) “are you… do you two- Anything happening here?”

(Y/N)’s brows furrowed at the question, “anything like what?”

Charles snorted with laughter next to them. He waved his hand as if to apologize but the laughter bubbling from his lips made it hard to believe. “What?” (Y/N) frowned.

Charles dropped (Y/N)’s hand and huffed softly, “Nothing, darling. Erik, a word if you please?” Charles maneuvered his wheelchair outside of (Y/N)’s classroom.

(Y/N) watched as Erik walked out after Charles with a look of confusion. Was there something they weren’t getting?

_____________________________________________________________

Erik has had a rough couple of days. Before, Erik would usually brush off any inconvenience and continue with his day. But ever since he met (Y/N) it’s been a little more difficult to ignore the problem at hand. And that problem came in the form of one Charles Xavier. Erik knew someone as wonderful as (Y/N) had to be taken, but taken by Charles? Not that Charles wasn’t a good person, he was the best person Erik knew, he just really hated that of all people, (Y/N) was dating Charles; his best friend.

When Erik first met (Y/N) he knew there was something special about them, and not just because of their power. No, (Y/N) was the most caring, funny, and charming person he has ever had the pleasure of meeting. They always made sure to include Erik when he first arrived, and they made sure that he wasn’t feeling neglected. These small acts of kindness were enough to make Erik fall for them. But again, (Y/N) was with Charles.

At first, Erik thought he could ignore his feelings and simply brush them aside. But that was easier said than done. (Y/N) was always on his mind. Whenever he was in class, in the danger room, driving. There was no escaping (Y/N). So, Erik accepted his fate and became their friend; Only now he’d see Charles around more often, and he’d feel guilty for even fantasizing about (Y/N). Erik was living in hell.

The other day, Erik had the intention of telling Charles how he felt about (Y/N). When he walked into the living room, both (Y/N) and Charles were sat by the fireplace, talking and laughing. He realized he couldn’t get in the way of their relationship. He couldn’t leave again though, it didn’t sit well with him. Instead, Erik chose to avoid both Charles and (Y/N). Whenever he would see (Y/N), he’d turn the other way and pretend like they weren’t there. He altered his route so he wouldn’t run the risk of running into them. When he saw Charles, Erik would find a way out of the conversation and avoid him as well.

This had been going on for a week now. But even avoiding (Y/N) was like torture; he missed them. He wanted to see them smile when he said hello; he wanted to see them laugh when he told a joke. He missed them. So he went to find them. But when he did, they were with Charles. He didn’t know why he felt so disappointed. He had foolishly hoped to get some alone time with (Y/N).

It got to the point where Erik had finally asked if (Y/N) and Charles were in fact in a relationship; It sure seemed like it. He shifted nervously in place, avoiding Charles’s eyes. He wished he was using his helmet right now.

“Erik, tell me, do you like (Y/N)?” Charles asked casually.

“What would make you think that?” He mumbled.

“Oh, I don’t know, perhaps it’s the disappearing act you seem to pull whenever we’re together or the fact that you haven’t spoken to me or them in days?” Charles raised his brows accusingly. He obviously wasn’t as in the dark as Erik had hoped.

“Maybe I just don’t like talking to you?” Erik shrugged.

Charles rolled his eyes, “Please if that were true I’d have known long ago.”

Erik ran his hand through his hair, “What if I did? There’s no chance for me, I know that. And I would never do anything to jeopardize our friendship.”

Charles smiled, “Well, I’m glad to hear that, but there is something you should know. (Y/N) and I aren’t together.”

Erik frowned, “Did you two break up?”

Charles chuckled, “No, you git, we were never together. We’re just friends. I promise. And if it helps, I’m pretty sure they like you too.”

“Really?” Erik grinned. It seemed he could only string together unintelligent answers now that he knew (Y/N) was single.

“Would I lie to you?” At Erik’s look, Charles rolled his eyes, “When it counts?”

“No, I suppose not,” Erik cleared his throat and finally met Charles’s eyes, “Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s someone I should talk to,” He pointed to (Y/N)’s classroom door behind him with his thumb.

“Definitely. I’d wish you luck, but I am positive this will go well for you both,” Charles winked and left Erik to talk to (Y/N).

Erik took a deep breath and re-entered the classroom.

(Y/N) looked up from fiddling with their fingers when he walked in. They smiled when they saw it was him. It was a pleasant surprise. They had expected Charles to come in. “Erik, it’s been a minute.”

Erik shrugged, “Yeah, I wanted to apologize for that. I uh, may I sit?” He motioned to the seat near their desk.

(Y/N) nodded seeming eager.

Erik pulled the chair closer to (Y/N) and took a seat. “First off, I wanted to apologize for my behavior. I shouldn’t have been avoiding you.”

“So you were avoiding me?” (Y/N) asked.

“Yes, but not because I don’t like you,” Erik rushed when he noticed the disappointed look on their face, “I like you a lot actually. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you.”

“That makes absolutely no sense.” (Y/N) crossed their arms over their chest, “You don’t avoid people you claim to like.”

“That’s a good point, but in my defense, I thought you were dating my best friend.” He drummed his fingers on his thighs, “I know it seems stupid now. I feel stupid, but it only seemed logical at the time.”

(Y/N) smiled and shifted closer to Erik so their knees were touching, “You were jealous of Charles?”

“I know, I know. I’m an idiot, but you had to see how close you two are,” Erik defended.

(Y/N) laughed but nodded in agreement, “Okay, I forgive you.” They took Erik’s fidgeting hands into their own, “And if it helps, I like you too.”

Erik beamed, “It does.”

“Good,” (Y/N) let go of one hand and laced their fingers together with the hand they still held, “Now, ask me on a date so we can stop being idiots.”

Erik laughed happily, “very well. (Y/N), would you like to go on a date with me?”

“Erik, this is so sudden,” (Y/N) teased.

Erik rolled his eyes fondly, “Yeah, only took me a couple of months to get the courage to ask you out.”

(Y/N) bit their lip, “I’d love to go out Erik.” They leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Erik’s cheek.

“It’s about damn time,” Charles’s voice echoed in both mutant’s minds.

#erik lehnsherr #magneto #x-men #erik lehnsherr x reader #magneto x reader #x-men x reader #reader is gender neutral #jealousy #misunderstandings #xmen #xmen x reader

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thenugking · 3 years ago

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Ohh i love Outer Worlds!

3, 5, 9, 14?

(or choose any, if that's too many)

Thank you!

And yessss, it's goooood

5. What was their life like before being iced? (starting with this one since it gives a better intro to Jazz’s character)

Not good! Growing up, Jazz’s parents were not well off, and pretty neglectful. (Plus they named her Jasmine, which she argues clearly makes them monsters.) She’s not the kind of person who does well in a school environment--smart, but not academically skilled, probably ADHD, and predisposed to question authority because of her rocky relationship with her parents. With her school being overcrowded and underfunded, she didn’t get the support she needed, and quickly became a Problem Child who spent more time mouthing off at teachers and anyone else who came near her than getting work done.

In High School, she met her best friend, Sammie, who was the only person Jazz really cared about or trusted before Halcyon. Sammie was quiet, studious and withdrawn, she had the patience to help Jazz work through at least a little schoolwork and was the first person in a long while who’d actually been nice to her. Jazz helped Sammie learn to stick up for herself more and that it was okay to question what other people told her occasionally.

Jazz “No Discernable Aptitude” Davenport ended up dropping out before finishing High School, and for a few years worked a series of minimum wage jobs, most of which ended in disaster. (Meanwhile, Sammie went to Uni, and got herself a great degree, and a crippling amount of student debt.) Jazz ended up falling in with a street gang for a while, which is were she learned to use a gun, but Sammie eventually talked her out of it, suggesting that since neither of them had much left for them on Earth, they go start a new life on Halcyon. They boarded the Hope together.

3. What do they believe in?

Sammie. The world is a shithole filled with assholes just looking out for themselves, and Jazz is one of them, but Sammie is kind and smart and the one person Jazz can always rely on. Sammie’s the only reason she’s going to all this goddamn trouble to Save the Hope Colonists, and getting her best friend back is the thing she clings to throughout the game. Although by the end, she’s realised she might also have started believing in her crew, too.

As you may have gathered, Jazz is a massive cynic and not overly concerned with morals. She doesn’t have any religious beliefs; her family are culturally Christian but she’s an atheist (and I suspect her parents are too.) Once she gets to Halcyon, she has zero interest in learning about either Scientism or Philosiphism, and states her religious beliefs are, “Whatever pisses Max off the most.”

9. What do they think of the factions? Are they liked or disliked by any?

As of half way through The City and The Stars, Jazz had an 100% negative relationship with the Board, and I’m so proud of her. She was fairly disliked by most corporations too, and the feeling was mutual. MSI, the Iconoclasts and the Deserters all ended up revering her, which she found confusing and uncomfortable, because she’s really not used to being treated well, let alone like a hero, and she only helped them for her own reasons. (Don’t mention the fact that she did far more than she had to to get MSI and the Iconoclasts to work together, she’ll just tell you to fuck off.)

Jazz liked the Groundbreaker for being independent from the Board, and had at least a fairly good working relationship with Sublight. She distrusts any authority on principle, but Sublight being openly dodgy and In It For The Money made her a bit more comfortable with them.

14. What do they think of the companions? Friendships, crushes, dislikes, etc.

Other than Sammie, they’re the only five people in the world she gives a shit about. …Or six, if you include ADA.

Parvati: Parvati was the first friend Jazz made in Halcyon, and in some ways reminded her of Sammie. She’s also the only person Jazz is never snarky at, and she makes an effort to be genuine with Parvati, because Parvati’s the most genuine person she knows, and if she can have such a good heart in a world like this, it’s worth trying to keep her that way.

Max: Jazz disliked Max pretty much immediately, both because he’s an Authority Figure and because he’s an asshole. She was willing enough to let him join the crew because, hey, we all want out of Edgewater, and she needs someone to rile up if she’s making the effort to be nice to Parvati. There’s a lot of snarking and riling up on both sides, but over the course of the game, it starts becoming more fond, particularly after Max’s personal quest and their adventure in Having A High As Balls Spiritual Journey together.

Felix: Given their similar approaches to authority, Jazz likes Felix pretty much immediately, even if she doesn’t show it quite as much as with Parvati. She thinks he’s kind of naive to believe things can be Better, but he’s a fun guy to hang out and rag on Max with. Jazz and Felix were stuck hiding out in Byzantium’s maintenance tunnels together for about a week at one point, and nothing works as a bonding experience like thinking your friends and your ship will never return and you’re going to starve to death hidden behind a pile of rubble in a decrepit old tunnel together!

Ellie: Jazz is happy to have someone around who gets what’s important; i.e. looking out for your own interests and not caring about People or Things. They’re both perfectly happy keeping things chill, until Jazz meets Ellie’s parents, and realises that rich parents can also be abusive, neglectful fucks, and now, shit, she’s letting feelings leak out of her. Mostly by shooting holes in the Fenhill’s fancy marble walls, but she also ends up saying some horrible crap about looking out for each other. Jazz has also thought Ellie was hot since they first met, and they end up having Totally Meaningless One Time Sex. On multiple occasions. It’s not until a while after the game’s over that either of them are ready to discuss their feelings and an actual relationship, but I think they get there eventually.

Nyoka: It’s not the sort of thing Jazz would admit to, but she admires and looks up to Nyoka a lot. She’s cool and badass and independent. (And, y’know, traumatised from losing her friends, and should keep her friends’ medallions because do you know what it’s like realising you have nothing to remember your old life, the people you used to know, by?) They’re drinking buddies, who after a few drinks, might end up talking about the Past together.

#the outer worlds #outer worlds #jasmine davenport #marsh ocs #parental abuse cw #long post #treeinspace #ask post #asks about ocs

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dex-xe · 3 years ago

Text

I’ve made Spotify playlists inspired by each of the ghosts and I’ve made these little written pieces to talk about them. if you wanna read them, please go ahead - if not then enjoy the music!!

This is Kitty’s playlist:

Best Friend - Rex Orange County

Kitty’s friendliness is just so sweet to me like I love that after a few episodes Alison accepts Kitty as a good friend but like before that when Kitty wants a sleepover which Alison basically denies her, I’m like O.o Kitty pls be my best friend ily!!

Piano Concerto No. 21 in C Major - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart & Géza Anda

I wanted to include at least a little bit of music from each of the ghosts time frame so I decided on a little bit of Mozart for Kitty - who, given when she lived and the familial culture at the time, probably played an instrument with piano being entirely probable.

Wildest Dreams - Duomo

I wanted to include at least one Bridgerton song for Kitty because I mean it’s obvious how influential issues brought up in the show would be on Kitty’s life. She was alive just before Bridgerton is set (1813 - Kitty died in the late 1700s) so I think she’d appreciate the modern song with a twist, and obviously she’d love the all the dances and everything.

Walking On Sunshine - Katrina & The Waves

An easy choice. I mean, it’s literally the go to song for people who are incredibly happy and optimistic. I didn’t want to include tons of overly happy songs for Kitty because I find her overwhelming happiness to be tinged with such sadness — she’s positive to a fault and it’s so sad what she went through during her life but yeah it’s a nice song for her.

Forever Young - Alphaville

I read somewhere that Kitty is canonically a teenager - I don’t know if that’s true so if someone could enlighten me that would be really great. But yeah is Kitty the youngest ghosts, surely it’s her or Thomas right? Anyway, Kitty will be forever young and I find that a weird concept?? That’s my in depth analysis XD

Enter One - Sol Seppy

I have so so so so so so so so much love for this song I think it’s just gorgeous. Okay but like assuming Kitty grew up at Button House (or I assume Higham House at the time) then she would’ve grown up literally from a little kid in front of some of the other ghosts (Robin, Humphrey, Mary and Annie) so like they witnessed whatever trauma and/or neglect Kitty went through. Ages ago I read someone talking about the ghosts watching her grow up and then taking care of her for the first time after she died (I can’t find the post) so like this verse: “To a friend, A sister in need, Who is not alone, And they are surrounding her, And they will enfold her outstretched hand, In our love” is just so beautiful for that moment when they finally get to take her away from her family which I love and adore and uhhhhh it’s so good, it’s such a good song.

Shake It Off - Taylor Swift

Okay from me legit crying over Kitty’s life and emotional stuff to just being like yeah this is a happy song and just something to dance to!!

Magnificent (She Says) - Elbow

This song just has gorgeous vibes and given that Kitty has just gorgeous vibes as well it was impossible for me not to include it.

Good Day - The Dresden Dolls

Someone suggested The Dresden Dolls for Kitty on my previous music post and I’d never heard of them before I’m a bit in love now… like the dark cabaret style and creepy sorta vocals and piano are just <3 <3 Like damn! And yeah I think this song is Kitty-like cause like when Alison was kinda ignoring her in ALN she got really upset as if this was a regular occurrence in her life as well like her sister or maybe her parents ignoring her in favour of her sister maybe??

Optimistic - Radiohead

“And remember: as long as you try your best.” I think that line is probably the moment of Kitty’s “personality introduction” so I kinda had to include something similar.

Devil Town - Cavetown

Okay I know this song is about parental divorce but I kinda like to apply it a bit more widely to broken families and dysfunctional households which Kitty obviously experienced. I think also the line “nevermind, I’ll settle for two birthdays” shows a kind of optimism in the face of family trauma and the acceptance that bad things often have to be spun in a positive light to cope with it.

growing up is getting old - VICTORIA

Kitty angst, Kitty angst, Kitty angst!!! After the episode descriptions we got today I am really really hoping for much more of a deep dive into Kitty’s emotions. I just want to know more about her life, and I just want the other ghosts to be protective and loving of her O.O

Stacking Chairs - Middle Kids

Kitty’s urge to be around Alison and do what’s best for her is just what I love more than anything. I really love that scene she has with the Captain where he’s like “you one Alison?” And “You want what’s best for her” like Cap/Kitty solidarity is what I live for (more to come in season 3????)

Teenage Dream - Katy Perry

I feel like with Alison arriving at the house Kitty finally has the opportunity to be a young woman again?? If that makes sense. Cause she’s been around generally older and predominantly male ghosts for a long time which is why I think she’s fixated on Alison so much because it’s the first time in centuries that she’s been around someone with similar interests etc as her. So yeah, like asking for the sleepover and wanting to talk about boys and stuff gives me Teenage Dream vibes.

In One Ear - Cage The Elephant

Like I said I didn’t want Kitty’s playlist to all be soft and sweet cause I feel like that’s kinda reducing everything about her into a little soft ball of syrup so yeah this song is sick and it’s basically about not caring what others say about you but yeah I like it!!

Would You Be So Kind - dodie

I had to include something dodie cause she’s just got that soft kind vibe. I don’t love many of her songs, it’s not really my style, but this (and In The Middle) are pretty good. Also I don’t think Kitty has much of a distinction between platonic and romantic love (same Kitty) and therefore this song is pretty fitting.

Amazing Grace - Judy Collins

If I could include Kitty’s ‘Amazing Kitty’, I definitely would cause that whole scene is just really funny. But like I said, I’m trying to include some music from when they would have lived and Amazing Grace is from the 1770s which is just when Kitty would’ve been born.

Happy - Pharrell Williams

An obvious choice but I wanted to talk about this a touch. My irl friend hates Kitty so much because she say she can’t stand people who are always happy and like infectiously positive all the time and literally every time Kitty is on screen she starts complaining and I find it so bizarre and like I’ve called her out a number of times like stfu but it’s constant. Like I find Kitty’s happiness kinda melancholy cause like she has so much to be sad about like her family and sister and stuff and I think learning more about in her life will just extend quite how sad her overt happiness actually is.

We’re Going to Be Friends - The White Stripes

Ngl I had no idea this was by The White Stripes before searching it up but apparently it is. It’s about like childhood friendship and nostalgia which I think is very right for Kitty as she works to try and make Alison her best friend after not having one during her life (and therefore relying on Florence the statue).

Girls Just Want to Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper

This song just gives me major girly sleepover vibes which I think is quite fitting. I find it interesting that as soon as Alison can see the ghosts (and accepts that she can see them) the first thing Kitty asks of Alison is to have a sleepover, maybe she sees that as the true mark of friendship? Perhaps her sister was always having sleepovers with her friends and Kitty wanted to join? I want to know Kitty’s backstory more than anyones, I think she’s fascinating!!

#bbc ghosts #bbc ghosts kitty

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lov3nerdstuff · 4 years ago

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Voluptas Noctis Aeternae {Part 6.4}

*Severus Snape x OC*

Summary: It is the year 1983 when the ordinary life of Robin Mitchell takes a drastic turn: she is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Despite the struggles of being a muggle-born in Slytherin, she soon discovers her passion for Potions, and even manages the impossible: gaining the favor of Severus Snape. Throughout the years, Robin finds that the not quite so ordinary Potions Professor goes from being a brooding stranger to being more than she had ever deemed possible. An ally, a mentor, a friend... and eventually, the person she loves the most. Through adventure, prophecies and the little struggles of daily life in a castle full of mysteries, Robin chooses a path for herself, an unlikely friendship blossoms into something more, and two people abandoned by the world can finally find a home.

General warnings: professor x student, blood, violence, trauma, neglectful families, bullying, cursing

Words: 4.7k

Read Part 1.1 here! All Parts can be found on the Masterlist!

______________________________

The moment they were back in Snape's office, Robin got started on making them coffee. It was early afternoon by now, and she was well aware that there still was plenty of work to be done before they could move on over to the lab. Once again she offered her help with his work, but his (admittedly very much justified) objection remained that he couldn't let her grade other students' essays, and Robin had to accept that. Thus she merely sat down at the smaller table with her own coffee after handing him his, and henceforth listened to him complaining about the many stupid mistakes the second years had made in their essays. Eventually it became a real game between them, to keep a list of the most ridiculous things people had written in their essays, and to rank them by their level of idiocy. Robin, void of anything else to do for once, actually wrote it all down on a piece of parchment, both the most ridiculous statements and the ranking points they had given them.

In the end, they successfully managed to miss dinner entirely, as their game was more entertaining than either of them had anticipated. But the work was done, and Robin was proud to say that she had made it less dreadful for him after all. Even if not entirely on purpose, but still very much willingly.

"You know, you could probably fill an entire lesson just with reading out the dumbest quotes on this list and have the students figure out why it's so wrong." Robin sighed with a smirk as she stretched in her chair. The piece of parchment in front of her looked almost like a piece of art at this point, littered not only with the most desperately wrong quotes from the essays, but also Robin's corrections of them, as well as some extended elaborations on the matter and little drawings of ingredients. Yes, she had been that bored between judging ridiculous quotes.

"I could. Should I, however?" He raised an eyebrow at Robin with a not-smirk while he got up from behind his desk at last, only to sit down again across from her at the small table. Without taking his eyes off hers, he snatched the piece of parchment out from under her fingertips and only then lowered his gaze to inspect it. A few seconds passed before he frowned, and Robin smiled.

"I think you should." She remarked innocently, replying to his earlier question while leaning back in her chair. "Have them correct the mistakes, that is, not mock the person who made them."

"I am surprised that you bothered to correct them."

"Didn't have much else to do between judging students' idiocracy. Besides, at this point I really should know the second year topics, shouldn't I? Did them twice, after all."

"Twice because…?"

"Once in my own second year and then again last year when tutoring Jorien and Cas. So technically I only did them once, and then tried to teach them a second time."

"You still tutor your roommates regularly?"

"Yeah." Robin shrugged with a smile. "Not just them though, and by far not only in potions. Just this morning I actually had sixteen students, can you imagine?! Sixteen thirteen-year-olds! And they actually listened to what I said!!!"

Now Snape's eyebrows rose in surprise, but the not-smirk turned into a real one; small, but definitely visible. "I had no idea that was even a possibility."

"Me neither!" Robin laughed, then kept on grinning. "So, just in case you get a suspicious amount of high quality essays from your third years next week, you know who to blame. Or who to thank."

"We will see about that." He replied with the same smirk, but then continued on a more serious note as he took another look at the parchment in his hands. "May I keep this?"

"Sure." Robin shrugged easily, and for whatever reason her heart skipped a beat. "I hope you can decipher all of it… I didn't specifically try for readability."

"I have been reading your handwriting for years, Robin. Not only in tests or essays written specifically to be handed in, but in scribbles and working notes as well. I would even say I know it quite as well as my own."

"Good." Robin couldn't help grinning at him with enough excitement to make him frown a little in suspicion. Before he could ask however, she had already summoned her handbook out of her backpack and dropped it on the table in front of him with a dull thud. "Because there's something else I have been dying to show you."

_______________

A quiet rustling of sheets, soft breathing, hushed whispers. "Robin…" The mattress dipped gently at her side. She smiled, curling a little closer around the new source of warmth. "ROBIN!!!"

She jumped at the loud voice, sitting up with a start, and her head bumped against something hard in an instant.

"Ow…" She grumbled with a deep frown, rubbing her now aching forehead in an instant, while her eyes finally went into focus enough to see Cas sitting in front of her on her bed, rubbing her forehead just the same. Jorien sat on the other side, laughing at both their misery without a hint of guilt or pity.

"Very funny, you guys…" Robin groaned tiredly as she crossed her legs underneath her to make room for the two girls. "The last time you woke me up like this was-..."

"Happy birthday, Robin!" Both girls cheered before she could finish her sentence, and Robin had to smile despite the small mishap.

"Thank you! Is it really the twentieth already? Again?" She sighed, but by now she knew that resistance to Cas was hard, and resistance to Jorien was entirely futile.

"Twentieth of October, six o'clock in the morning!" Cas grinned, and crossed her legs as well while Jorien followed suit a few seconds later.

"Six?! Good gods…" Robin groaned exaggeratedly and frowned at them with a desperate smile. "Why on earth would you wake me up this early?"

"Because it's Thursday and our present for you requires some time before breakfast." Jorien replied factually, and Cas nodded in her usual giddy eagerness.

"Do I need to be scared?" Robin inquired with a raised eyebrow and an amused smile. She knew that look on their faces, and she knew that they were up to something. A second later, a small box very much like the one she had received last year was placed in her lap and Robin opened it with a curious smile. When her eyes fell onto the contents however, her brows furrowed, and she looked up at Cas and Jorien with a big question mark on her face.

"We're not doing anything you don't want to, of course… But you liked those onyx earrings so much when we went to Hogsmeade, so we decided to get them for you." Cas shrugged with an excited smile, and Jorien merely nodded in no less amusement.

"That is very sweet of you, but you realize that I don't actually have any holes in my ears but the ones nature demands, yes?"

"Yet. That is part of the present." Cas replied mischievously, and both girls smiled at Robin in a way that made her realize that they were absolutely serious in what they were planning to do. It humored her more than it probably should have.

"Alright." Robin said with an easy smile. "Thank you for the lovely present. If you take joy in stabbing holes into my skin, feel free to. I don't mind."

"Wait… really?!" Cas frowned incredulously. "I thought you were going to protest! I prepared an entire speech to convince you that it was for the best!"

"I told you she would be all for it." Jorien shrugged at her friend, with a humored smile similar to the one Robin wore herself. "And you didn't write a speech, you practiced saying 'please' in as many ways as possible."

"Don't tell her that!" Cas protested with a roll of her eyes, and Robin merely had to chuckle at the two of them. They were like an old married couple sometimes, and it was hilarious and adorable at once to observe. Cas turned to Robin once again. "Anyway, we asked McGonagall for a spell to pierce your ears that wouldn't blow your head off along the way, so you don't have to worry about a thing. It's all approved and safe for use."

"I'm not worried." Robin replied easily, and really she thought the idea was rather sweet. It was such a typical teenager thing to do… something of the kind she had never spent a second thinking about before now. But to Cas and Jorien it actually seemed to be of immense importance to do this themselves, and Robin felt touched that they included her in their spark of youthful rebellion. And she wouldn't mind getting her ears pierced after all. "So… You actually asked McGonagall for a spell?"

"Who did you expect us to ask?! What Professor Snape is for you, McGonagall is for Jorien. I'm just swimming on her wave." Cas explained, then motioned for Jorien to go ahead and do the actual work. A typical Cas move, giving the speech and leaving the work for someone else. "This is probably going to hurt, so you might want to grab something."

"Don't worry, it takes a lot to hurt me these days." Robin sighed and for once, she would just have to trust them; there wasn't much that could go wrong anyway. "But try to keep my head intact, alright?"

Ten minutes later, and luckily without any accidents, Robin had two neat holes in her ears and could at last make use of the gift she'd received. Two studs of black onyx, small but just as gorgeous as she remembered them to be from the two times they had looked at them through the shopwindow in Hogsmeade. She smiled when she looked at herself in the mirror, admiring the subtle new detail about her appearance. The deep black really was a sharp contrast to her ashen skin, but so was her dark hair anyway. The new piece of jewelry probably wouldn't be all too noticeable in comparison to that.

"You look absolutely gorgeous, birthday girl…" Cas declared dramatically, still lounging on Robin's bed even while Robin herself had gotten up. "Now we just need to get a little colour onto your face and you're ready to seize this day!"

Robin spun around to face them in an instant, glaring at the two girls in both horror and defense. There was a lot she would let them do to her, but that most definitely did not include turning her into a canary! "Cas no! Absolutely not!"

"Cas yes!"

"Jorien?" Robin pleaded with both her tone and her eyes while moving back over to her bed and to the girls. "I already let you make holes into my ears!"

"Sorry, but it's all part of our present." Jorien shrugged with a sympathetic half smile before she moved off the bed to get ready. "Just let it happen."

"What is your present if it includes piercing my ears and painting my face?!"

"We're making you pretty, dumbass! Like they do in the movies!" Cas groaned loudly and rolled off the bed as well to pad back towards her own. "You're bloody 17 now! And you still don't have any dates! We're trying to get you one."

"Not that again…" Robin sighed in return, hiding her head in her hands for a moment to regain some composure before she started getting dressed for the day of classes. "Don't you guys have anything better to do than meddling in my affairs?"

"No." Both Jorien and Cas replied at the same time, then giggled at their synchrony, and Robin finally had to realize that resistance was futile indeed. Sometimes living with thirteen-year-olds demanded a sacrifice; sometimes Robin just had to make concessions to their youth. And honestly, she couldn't deny them a thing, being as excited as they were about this now.

"Fine…" She sighed at last, mindlessly buttoning up her blouse with long practiced moments, then tugged it into her trousers. "You may paint my face if it means so much to you. But I'll get the bathroom first, now and all to myself. And I forbid you to use anything actually colourful."

"But colour is the best part! It's ALL colour!!!" Cas cried as she struggled into her tights. "Some charcoal would do wonders on your eyes!"

"Black isn't actually a colour but a value." Jorien corrected with a roll of her eyes. "So technically you can use all the black, white and grey you want."

"Precisely! Thank you, Jorien, your thought-out input is always very much appreciated." Robin smiled proudly at the girl, who in return grinned to herself upon the praise. "Now, do we have an agreement? I get the bathroom first and you will use no colours, but you may otherwise do with my hair and face as you please. Deal?"

"Deal!"

… … …

In the end, Robin had to make another compromise: in exchange for not getting any brown paste and powder onto her face, which Cas seemed to be very fond of unfortunately, she had to agree to let them use colours, dark colours, on her eyes. Thus Robin ended up sitting on her bed, sighing repeatedly, while Cas painted her face and Jorien braided her hair. Honestly, she still didn't know how or why exactly she (the older one!) had become their dress up doll, but under the pretext of 'making her look pretty for her birthday', Robin still found herself unable to deny them. Even if, on the inside, she very much felt like running.

When all three of them made their way towards the great hall for breakfast at last, Robin still felt mildly uncomfortable. The braid Jorien had forced her hair into was rather charming actually, and also very much useful to keep the wavy, bushy mess out of her face, but she wasn't so sure about the 'smokey' black, brown and green Cas had layered around her eyes. Robin felt more like a raccoon than herself… but in comparison to what some (few) of her classmates wore on a daily basis, or those women in the magazines Cas read instead of books, it still was subtle enough to tolerate for a day. Makeup may be fun for some other people, which was fine, but it most definitely wasn't for Robin and she had a rather strong interest in not repeating this masquerade. Oh well… she still would be racoon-Robin for a day now. Besides, it would break the girls' hearts if she didn't suffer through it with a smile on her face, so that's what she did as they hurried to breakfast.

"And where would we be coming from?" A taunting voice stopped all three of them just outside the great hall, and Robin had to smile while the other two looked rather panicked upon the unexpected appearance of their potions teacher. "Miss Miller, Miss Blakeley… Punctuality is a virtue, not an option. Breakfast started fifteen minutes ago. You are late."

"So are you, professor..." Robin replied with an innocent smile, which however turned into more of a smirk as soon as her eyes met his. "Isn't that a funny coincidence?"

Snape approached them with long strides and his usual public facade, and the closer he came, the more Cas and Jorien hid behind Robin. She still didn't understand how they could miss the humor in his face that even now was obvious as day! All they saw was the menacing scowl he wanted them to see. That they probably wanted to see as well; expectation and prejudice were the masters of deceit in one's own mind.

"Funny." He said to Robin in a particularly flat tone that made her bite her lip to keep from laughing, then he turned to look at Jorien and Cas instead. "You two would do well to be on time from now on, even if for a mere meal. I tolerate no slacking. Now find your seats before your classmates leave nothing but their empty plates for you." With that, he motioned for them to get going, clasping his hands behind his back with that indifferent look that made Robin smile even more.

"Robin…? Are you coming?" Jorien asked carefully while Cas straight out started walking off already, gaining as much distance to Snape as possible until she disappeared out of sight. Jorien still stood between Robin and the doors, looking at her insecurely.

"You should be fine without your precious Robin for five minutes, or is that too much to ask?" Snape drawled in feigned annoyance, and Robin gave him a look before turning to Jorien.

"I'll be there in five minutes, just save me a seat and some toast, will you?" She smiled at the girl as positively as possible, who only nodded with a weak smile in return before quickly following behind Cas, out of sight.

"Did you have to scold them for something so minor?" Robin finally asked as she turned back to Snape with a small frown. "They were only late because of me, or rather because of what they did for me. Today, at least…" Really, they were usually late for all meals. No matter what day it was, and no matter if they were with Robin or without her.

"Had they been any later, all they would have found left is scrapings. It might have slipped your notice, but their classmates are more animals than civilised beings when it comes to meals." He pointed out calmly, and Robin had to sigh. He was right. "Unless you wish to show them how to use the kitchens or leave them to fend for themselves in the future, I would prefer to teach them punctuality."

"Yeah, alright, I see your point." She said with another sigh. "Nevermind. I usually prefer being early anyway."

"I am aware." He replied with a not-smirk, upon which Robin had to smile again as well. "Is that colour in your face the reason for your mutual lateness?"

"Ah, well, yes." Robin chuckled awkwardly, and before she knew her fingers nervously brushed over the rough spot of skin on her neck again. "It is, uh… it's part of their birthday present to me, I guess. They insisted on it."

For a moment Snape observed her closely, with a curious frown that made Robin feel both nervous and tingly. He leaned a little closer for a second, then back again. "Something else about you is different than it was yesterday evening, but I cannot tell what it is."

"Well, uh, I also let them pierce my ears, because they really wanted to, so it's probably that." Robin shrugged with an almost apologetic frown. Did he observe everyone that closely? Probably.

His eyebrows rose in surprise, torn between incredulity, humor and irritation. "Why would you let them do all that to you? I was under the impression that people did nice things for others on their birthdays…"

"They gave me earrings, so they also had to make sure I could wear them. And as for the colour on my face… you better don't ask what made them do that to me." She shrugged again, deeming the way he said 'nice' highly amusing. "I let them do it because it quite obviously made them happy."

"It is your birthday. People are supposed to ensure you are happy."

"Oh, I'm quite happy as it is." Robin replied with a small smirk, and a soaring heart once more. "I can manage looking like a raccoon for the day. Perhaps it'll scare Morgan off at least."

A quiet snort escaped him before he could make an effort to remain stoic, and even then he seemed to struggle not to smirk. "Raccoon certainly is not what I think of when I look at you, Robin. But you make me curious about their reason to obviously try for exactly that visual."

Now Robin had to snort as well, shaking her head to herself. Damn, she didn't want to tell him… but she also knew that she could deny him even less than the two girls. What was it about the people she cared about?! The only weak spot she knew of, and they all were entirely oblivious to it.

"If you have to know, they wanted to make me look pretty for the day." She sighed, but as soon as he even made an attempt to reply, she added, "Don't. Please. No scorn or mocking on my birthday. I know I look stupid, but I have to make concessions if I want to keep my sanity when living with them, and this was such an instance. I could have looked far worse."

"I was merely going to say that they obviously have a strange concept of beauty if they are blind enough to try to cover it up with paint." He said as if it wasn't enough to make Robin's entire body feel too hot all of a sudden. Actually, he didn't even seem to realize what exactly he had just said in the first place as he went on. "I do very well understand your need to make concessions, and your diplomacy is certainly appropriate. However you don't have to tolerate everything they do to you merely because I told you to watch over them."

"I know. That's not why I do it, not at all." She sighed, regaining control over her heartbeat by simply ignoring what he hadn't even said on purpose. "They care about me, they really do, and they only want the best for me in their own kind of way. A thirteen-year-old way, which unfortunately entails trying to draw more positive attention to me."

He frowned at that, with a lingering hint of amusement. "They paint your eyes black to draw positive attention to you? How… curious."

"I know, right?" She huffed in both humor and dread. "I for my part like black better than anything else they could've put on my fave, but it's probably the wrong colour to make other people think 'pretty' and not 'scary'. I forbid them to use bright colours though, so perhaps it is my fault that I'll scare people off all day, which I do almost every day anyway, so-..."

"Robin." He quirked an eyebrow at her, and Robin took a deep breath to untangle the mess in her head that caused her to ramble.

"Yes. Sorry. Nevermind, just forget about it."

"Give me your hand." He ordered calmly an instant later, holding his own out to her with his palm facing up. Robin's heart skipped a beat, but she did as he said without question, placing her hand in his only to feel the familiar surge of electricity running up her arm and through her body.

To her surprise, he turned her hand around to rest in his with the inside facing up as well. Then, without a word, a small spark of light flickered to life inside her palm. It glowed softly in different colours that came and went so quickly it left the light white, an addition of all colours, and yet black at once in its subtraction. Robin couldn't have described it even if she'd wanted to, for her eyes and mind were too drawn to their hands to even try such a thing. The spark grew, not into a bigger light, but into a shape, a web of atoms that made up matter one by one. It grew, blossomed and rooted until at last it took on the unmistakable shape of a flower. A flower Robin had never seen before, one that was entirely black in its impossible existence, but yet consisted of all the colours in existence indeed. She couldn't take her eyes of it as it rested in her palm, all light gone but the impossible colours remained. His hand was still curled around hers, long fingers brushing against the delicate skin of her wrist beneath the cuff of her blouse… Robin didn't know which of the two fascinated, enchanted her more. Perhaps both did, in a different way.

"Now, would you expect someone to deem this flower scary?" He asked after a few seconds, dropping his hand from hers at last.

"No…" Robin replied quietly, holding the blossom in her palm like the greatest treasure. "It's beautiful, breathtaking even. I've never seen anything like it."

"Because it stems from your mind alone, which makes it entirely unique in its existence."

"But, how… I mean…" She didn't even know what to say, leave alone what to think, neither in a positive nor in a negative way. Why had he shown this beautiful piece of magic to her? Why hadn't she known that he could do something like this in the first place?! The overwhelming urge to be closer to him overcame her when she looked up at him, and it couldn't even be lessened by his perfect neutral facade. Gods, why did he always hide when she wanted to see him the most?! "Why?"

"It is nothing but a reminder that darkness does not scare everyone." He replied neutrally, neither bothering to feign indifference nor to let his honest expression shine through. A few seconds passed in silence, and they merely looked at each other as they did so often.

"Thank you." Robin finally said, giving him the most sincere smile that had graced her lips all day. "It's a lovely gift."

"It isn't a gift." He was quick to respond though, frowning first, then looking almost humored again. "But it might counteract the racoon visual nonetheless."

Robin chuckled, closing her eyes for a second to dwell in the happiness of the moment. The overwhelming bunch of emotions tied to the impossible flower in her hand. "Well, thank you either way. I appreciate your help with my facial issues."

Finally the not-smirk was back on his face, and if Robin wasn't mistaken, so was the humor in his eyes. "What kind of… person would I be if I didn't help you even with the most obscure problems?" Again he raised his eyebrows at her, and she smiled brightly enough to light up the entire hallway, until he spoke on. "That, among other things, is why I want you to be prepared at two o'clock this afternoon."

"Huh?" Robin's brows furrowed into a deep frown in an instant. "Prepared for what?"

"To play along." He smirked for real this time, quite obviously basking in her confusion. "You will see."

Then, without another word, Snape turned on his spot and disappeared down the hallway towards the dungeons before Robin could say another thing. Two seconds later, the doors to the great hall were opened by the first students already leaving breakfast, and they stormed the hallway with enough noise and chattering to break Robin free of her frozen state. Did Snape actually enjoy being that cryptic?! He probably did; insufferable idiot.

Robin sighed to herself, looking at the flower in her hand in careful consideration, then moved to tie it into her hair with a smile. Having this little piece of magic with her, his magic, would certainly make her day a lot better, even if it was prone to cause her constant tingles. Who cares… it was her birthday, she could allow herself to enjoy one single day of dwelling in her feelings. And besides, nobody had to know who had given her such an impossible flower; it wasn't a gift after all, just a point proven.

As Robin made her way into the great hall at last, hoping that at least some kind of food was left for her, she wondered what would be happening at two o'clock. She really couldn't wait to know. Then again, the anticipation and excitement of not knowing was also quite delightful. Two o'clock… that was a third into her defense against the dark arts class. And that meant whatever was going to happen, it could only be an improvement.

______________________________

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serenasoutherlyns · 3 years ago

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Full of Surprises, Chapter 4

Maybe, Casey found herself thinking (and she had most days since it happened), the suspension was doing her more good than harm. Maybe it was Liz Donnelly trying to make her calm the hell down.

For three years.

AO3

A/N: Hi! Sorry this one is a bit short, I wrote it mostly in a car and on vacation, and I felt like I'd neglected these ladies too long. Working on three long fics and my novel at once, why do I do this to myself? I hope you all like this one!

Casey showered as fast as she possibly could, having realized that despite their apartments’ proximity to one another, 30 minutes was definitely too little time. Oh well. That’s always been Casey’s way, doing things too quickly, in a rush, not on time.

Maybe, Casey found herself thinking (and she had most days since it happened), the suspension was doing her more good than harm. Maybe it was Liz Donnelly (and Lena Petrovsky, though, Lena never cared about her like Liz did) trying to make her calm the hell down.

For three years.

Oh well.

Casey felt good, felt great even. She was not only excited to go out to breakfast with this beautiful, newly brunette (Casey thought brunette was sexy, not that it applied to her friendships, but it was a truth), new friend of hers, well, not new as in new acquaintance, but this Alex was new and this Casey was new and it was all the newest she’d felt since, of course, since.

No, breakfast, while exciting and delicious and required after that run, was not the only thing that had Casey feeling good. As she was leaving her place, dressed in a pair of bootcut jeans fraying at the bottoms (how, she wondered, with her height) and a cozy wool sweater (another plus for suspension: choosing her own wardrobe), she read over the email again:

Dear Ms. Novak,

Congratulations! We are so excited to let you know that we would like to accept the three poems you submitted for publication in the Fall issue of Arch and Arrow. We feel they are...

Casey didn’t read further, because she didn’t need to (already had, already filled out the paperwork!), for probably the thousandth time since she received the notification last night. Published! She would be published, in a real literary magazine, her first since, oh, maybe the summer before her first year of law school. Even then, she’d only ever entered undergraduate publications, never real things like this. Well. She thought, the monthly readership of Arch and Arrow would likely be no more than in the triple digits, but, oh who cares! Everything in Casey wanted to skip down the few blocks to Alex’s (how convenient, she’d thought when she realized, should she ever need a cup of sugar) but she did resist, public embarrassment being quite the strong motivator. When she rounded the corner to Alex’s place, she noticed she had a waiting text.

Alex: Buzz when you get here? I’m still getting ready.

She buzzed, and Alex let her in. It was funny, she thought, surprising that Alex wasn’t more punctual than her.

Casey had not yet spent much time at Alex’s place. They usually went out, for coffee or drinks, returning to that little library bar more than once; trading favorite places. Good morning, Casey thought, and it was: beautiful weather, a great run, the best news in a while, and of course, a beautiful woman--

Well, she would put a pin in that last thing.

“Come in,” was the reply from inside when Casey knocked twice, so she did. As soon as she got the door open, two balls of fluff came careening into her calves.

“Hello! Hi! Oh you’re just the most fluffiest perfect little,” Casey said before devolving into only noises, holding both cats at once. “Alex,” she said, setting the kitties down, “Have I mentioned how much I love your cats?”

“Yes,” Alex said, much closer to Casey than she anticipated as she stood up. “Every time you see them. Hey, Case.”

Casey’s breath caught in her throat at the proximity. Then her breath caught again when she noticed that her breath had caught. “Hey. Where to?”

“You asked?” Alex said.

“Oh, um, I did, didn’t I. Let’s go to that little diner,” Casey said, referencing where they’d gone together last weekend. “It’s 6:30 in the morning,” she said, omitting where she would usually include a “goddamn,” bringing things off topic as she saw the clock on Alex’s wall.

“And we’re both wide awake!” Alex said, tilting her head upwards. Casey saw her hair hit her jaw just under her ears. “I want diner coffee, as weird as that is.”

Alex led the way out of her apartment, after giving Casey some cat time so she could put a few barrettes in her hair. As they walked together to the restaurant, Alex saw something extra bubbly in her friend. It was cute, Alex thought, how Casey pointed out birds and fun-shaped clouds.

Casey couldn’t hold her exciting news back for very long once they were all settled. Two coffees-- scrambled eggs and hashbrowns for Casey and fried eggs and toast for Alex. The other patrons of the place this early were all kinds, industrial workers, moms meeting friends with their kids, hungover students, fellow athletes and insomniacs. Yet, she still needed some prompting.

“OK, what has you so energetic this morning?” Alex said. She was still rubbing the tiredness from her eyes.

The was all the encouragement Casey needed. “I got an email last night,” she put some hot sauce on her potatoes, “From Arch and Arrow Magazine,” no signs of recognition in Alex, figures, “saying they want to publish three of my poems.” She ended raising her pitch, smiling that dimpled smile that gave Alex butterflies.

Alex dropped her fork and coffee mug, made some excited noises that didn’t quite form words. “Casey, that’s, oh that’s so exciting! I can’t believe I get to be friends with Casey Novak: published author. I can already imagine it being Casey Novak: award winning poet. Wow, Case, that’s so,”

Casey couldn’t stand the praise anymore, her cheeks were heating up and she tried to hide the blush behind a napkin.

“Are you blushing? Casey, you can’t get embarrassed by your own accomplishments.”

Casey blushed even harder. “Evidently, I can and I will.”

Alex flicked a half and half across the table in spite, and Casey caught it before it fell. “Also, when is it coming out so I can buy 10 copies.”

“You’re ridiculous. Also, it’s not 100% finalized so I’m not going to get too excited until it’s actually in print.”

“Stop being humble, Case, this is a big deal.”

Casey shrugged happily, the dimples seemed permanent for the morning.

“It is a big deal. I’m really happy.”

“Does this mean I get to read your work finally?”

This time it was Casey’s turn to wage milk product war.

Alex insisted she would pay the bill, after a few more conversations. Alex insisted they go back to her apartment, wouldn’t tell Casey why. Casey’s heart jumped when Alex opened the door, brushed her back with her hand as she closed it.

“You go sit on the couch,” Alex ordered (Casey found Alex’s demanding nature very adorable). Casey did, and when Alex returned from the kitchen, her jaw dropped. A bottle of expensive champagne were in one hand, two flutes in the other.

“Alex!” Casey exclaimed, “That’s way too nice. And it’s,” she checked the clock, “8 AM.”

“Special occasion,” Alex said, shrugging and smiling. “I think you deserve to be celebrated.”

They enjoyed the, making new conversations and snuggling the cats. Casey felt warm, comfortable, content. Calm.

“By the way,” Alex said, “I’m sending your poems to Liz Donnelly when they come out. Show her what brilliance she’s missing out on.”

Casey threw her scarf at the brunette this time, with no little milk containers to use. Alex just laughed, did not back down.

“I’m really glad I ran into you today.”

“Me too.”

#svu fic #fic #fanfiction #svu fanfiction #svu #casey novak #alex cabot #alex cabot fanfiction #casey novak fanfiction #calex #calex fanfiction #full of surprises #fluffy fanfiction #hope you guys enjoy this!#please reblog

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strugglingsophieee · 4 years ago

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What I’ve learned in 2020:

2020 was a year full of lessons, here are few mine:

1. Mental health is as important as physical health.

This year has been a total mess when it comes to my mental health. I’ve hit a rock bottom I never thought I would. The amount of stress that I had to go through this year because of my exams resulting in completely changing my life and because of covid of course, is truly indescribable for me. My panic attacks became the most daunting thing in my life. It got so bad, that I completely stopped myself from going out, even to get groceries. I thought “well this is what my life has come to- I’ll never be able to get out of my house ever again”. Fortunately, I was wrong. In mid - August I decided to seek professional help from a psychologist. I still go to her and I can proudly and honestly say that she has helped me so much in my anxiety- journey. I still learn how to cope with stress and panic attacks, but I see a huge progress between August and December. There’s still a long way for me to go, but I’m ready to tackle all the obstacles life has for me. 💪🏻

Why did I write this? I did this, because 2020 has shown me that mental health should never EVER be forgotten about. I used to never pay attention to it, I would always brush it off.. and well, me neglecting that part of my life has finally made an appearance this year with a double- strong impact. I feel like this year has been a total roller coaster for all of us. So many people experienced emotions they never thought they would experience. So many people noticed how caught up they are in their everyday life and don’t pay enough attention to their mental wellbeing. Taking care of my physical health was always somewhat important, but this year I realized that taking care of my mental health is just as important as physical activity. Please, if you need any sort of support don’t be afraid or hesitate to seek help from a professionals. 🌿

Here are some ig accounts I follow, which can bring you comfort as well:

https://www.instagram.com/wetheurban/

https://www.instagram.com/sunnybloominspiration/

https://www.instagram.com/myselflovesupply/

2. It’s okay to end friendships you don’t feel good in or get rid of people in your life who don’t feel supportive of you.

Let me tell you a little story. In high school (fyi I graduated this year) I used to be friends with these 3 girls, but in fact only one of them I could call my good friend. The rest 2 of them, just got on with us pretty well (well, more with the other girl). We used to be “best friends” since our first year till the very end. However, halfway through our friendship I noticed that I feel very lonely. These 3 girls used to stick with each other in school all the time, while I felt just like an addition to them. They literally have hundreds of photos together from different occasions (including prom!), and each and every one of them is without me. They used to meet during vacations, and write about it on our groupchat. I specifically remember when one of them couldn’t meet one day, and they instantly changed the date of the meeting. Then, when I wrote “hey I can’t meet you guys on this day :((” and I kid you not were like “aww that’s sad”… like.. what? Since you’re not changing the date does that mean I’m not as important to you as the other girl?..

To this day I don’t know whether they have any contact with each other, but I do feel like they do. Honestly, the number of times when I felt lonely in this “friendship” is insane, and I finally see that. I look at this period of time from a different perspective and honestly this entire “friendship” was just a sh*tshow in my opinion. I felt constantly judged by them, especially by this one girl who I just knew didn’t really like me but still referred to me as “friend” not to make any kind of fight. They would hardly ever support me or listen to me. They would make fun of my anxiety and my panic attacks. I feel like they were also limiting me at some point. What’s kind of funny is that they didn’t remember about my birthday but I did remember theirs. I would always care about them but they would never care about me.

As I said, I feel like they still keep in touch with each other. I limited any kind of contact with them and never spoke to them since like July. Even though we didn’t officially end our “friendship”… I feel like by parting our ways we somewhat did… and it feels so good to finally say that I’m free. Before you ask me “why didn’t I tell them how I feel earlier?”… well, I always felt like I am a burden and make a big deal out of nothing, but now as I look at this relation from a perspective…I should have done this a long time ago.

2020 was a huge year for me when it comes to friendships. I realized that my companion as a friend should be valued more than I thought. I will not waste any more time on people who treat me like that.. who don’t deserve to call me their “friend”. I’ll stand up for myself from now on. I am me, and if that’s not “enough” for you, then that’s your problem. 💋

3. It’s all about finding balance.

What I mean by that is that the same amount of effort you put in your work/ uni/ school should be the same amount of effort you put in your free time. After telling my therapist how much I worked throughout the week she told me that by the age of 25 I would be totally burned out from overworking myself. In fact I did experience this in June, when I used to study so hard for my exams, that not only I didn’t give myself any space to relax which resulted in my anxiety rising up but also I lost almost 8 kg due to stress. I don’t want to experience this ever again. It was a very dark time for me, which I’m still recovering from to this very day (see point 1.). Finding a balance between studying / working and giving yourself that “me time” is the key to staying sane for me. For example, I set some rules that I apply in my everyday life, one of them says: After 8 pm. I close my books and I finish studying for the day. I turn on my favorite show, grab snacks and just chill…Small steps like this can lead to a huge progress in the future and may help you stop that process of being overworked.

4. Self-care is not egoistic.. it’s absolutely normal.

No matter what that is, whether it’s working out, cooking, baking, going on a walk, doing your makeup / skincare routine or anything else.. Do whatever makes you happy and don’t feel guilty for it. We all deserve to have some time just for ourselves, especially in this crazy world we live in. 🧖‍♀️🌍

5. Don’t take anything for granted.

I feel like it’s self-explanatory at this point. Especially when it comes to health and your family. Life is completely unpredictable. A year ago I would never believe if someone would say “well.. this is what 2020 looks like”… Make sure to hug your family members a bit tighter, reach out to a friend you haven’t talked to in a while to see how they’re doing and most importantly- wear a mask! 😷

6. It’s okay to fail.

As Abraham Lincoln said "It's not about how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up." It’s okay to don’t feel amazing every day or to fail an exam. It’s all about what kind of lessons you get out of it and what you can learn from this experience. 💫

7. Don’t beg someone to give you attention.

As the saying goes “If they wanted to, they would”. As I said earlier, if me being me is not interesting for you.. it’s your loss. I’m not going to beg somebody to text me or send me an Instagram DM.. hell nah. 👸

8. It’s time to focus on yourself.

I think it’s time for me to finally put all the effort I’d put into making others happy into me. It’s time I keep on grinding with my uni stuff and my workout routine. It’s time to take care of my mental health. It’s time to find new hobbies and stick with them. It’s. Time. For. Me. 👏💖👑

Well, that’s it. I hope you guys found some of those advices / lessons helpful. Let me know what you’ve learned during this crazy year!

Stay safe,

Soph xx

#self care #2020 #life lessons #get motivated #motivation #high value woman #beautiful woman #glowup #selfworth #self love #note to everyone #love notes #notes #notes to self

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astraeuslavee · 4 years ago

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Pick a card reading!

Pick one card from the top, and one from the bottom, and then get your reading! Top row is 1-3, bottom row is a-c.

1a) Sometimes we hold onto things because we're afraid of what will happen if we let them go. Whether this be a relationship, a job, old identities or even just clutter- there's no space for new opportunities if you continue hold onto everything you've outgrown. Take some time to think about what truly brings you joy, and if you find the courage to let go of what doesn't, you'll find that space filled in unexpected ways. Be careful of holding limiting beliefs about yourself- let yourself dream, hope, and want, and you'll receive unexpected blessings.

1b) Woo!!! It's a time of blessings and abundance! Things are going well, and if they aren't, they will soon. You might be on the brink of a big win, or finding peace in the life you've created. Enjoy it!

1c) Emotional satisfaction will be with you soon. A newer connection- whether it be romantic or not- that has developed in the last few months is blossoming. This connection will help you grow and heal and nurture your spirit- and vice versa. There's something special about you, and enjoy this period of your relationship with this person.

2a) You're blocking off connections and ignoring blessings because you're scared and have been hurt in the past. Abandoned, manipulated, or used, you've lost your trust in other people. Remember that not everyone is out to hurt you, that you are deserving of love, and that you can heal. The universe is trying to support you in this, either by nudging people closer to you, or by sending small messages of reassurance that you keep dismissing as a "coincidence." Take some time to heal. Not all pain is equal- there's the pain brought by cruelty, and pain brought by healing, like cutting into a wound to let the infection drain out. Understand that healing often hurts at first- the pain of realizing that you should have been treated this gently all along, and that you never deserved what happened to you- and remember that their are truly kind people in the world, yourself included.

2b) You may be contemplating cutting off a family member, or long-term friend. Take some time to reflect on how they make you feel- are you expected expected support them, even when it hurts you? Do you feel neglected, like your needs are never met, or that you can't talk to them? Do you feel drained after being around them, or leave the conversation and realize that you never really talked about yourself? This doesn't necessarily mean that they're a bad person, just that your relationship is unequal. Take some time to think about if you truly want them in your life. If you're scared of the consequences, know that is further indication of an unhealthy relationship or dynamic.

2c) Do you find yourself bouncing from relationship to relationship, friendship to friendship? If people seem to bore you, if you lose interest in people after a few weeks to a few months, or if you find yourself getting lost in new relationships, take some time to reflect on it. It's easy to love, or even be intrigued, by the first few layers that people show you, and it can be scary to be vulnerable with others. Maybe the reason why you keep cycling through people is that you've felt abandoned before, and don't want to experience it again. Or maybe you're just uncomfortable with people knowing things about you- preferring to stick to a facade. It's vulnerable being intimate, but if you truly want to have a true emotional connection to someone- one where they see you, and you see them- with unconditional love, take some time to work through insecurities and why you want to leave.

2c cont) Are you on the flip side of this, and find yourself chasing after people who you know are no good for you, but you feel an attraction to (whether it be spiritual or physical it doesn't matter) and get burned down the road? Choose a different person next time! It's scary being vulnerable enough to ask for what you deserve- what if they say no? Well, if they say no, you have a choice. You can stay, knowing that you deserve better, and knowing that this isn't the kind of life you want, or friend / partner you want to have, or you can leave. It takes courage to go after what you truly want, and to realize that you deserve happiness after everyone doing their best to show you that you don't.

3a) If someone is closed off, or withholding affection from you, no matter what you do, this would be a good time to reevaluate your relationship. Try communication first, but if they don't listen to your needs, or even worse double down on their behavior or try to convince that they way they're treating you is right and you're the crazy one- really think about if this is the kind of people you want in your life. Stubbornness isn't necessarily a bad trait, but if it is always their way and never yours, it's likely that they are not going to change their behavior, and you don't deserve to be treated that way.

3b) If something feels off or wrong in your domestic life, your instinct is probably right. If nothing feels off, it's likely that you are going to get some news from an external source that shakes things up, or tries to ruin the foundation. This could be from anything between learning that your partner is cheating, your parents are getting a divorce, or even a meddling friend trying to ruin something good that's happening. If you're feeling anxious (either now or once you get the news) breathe through it- it's near impossible to find your intuition when you're scared. Once you feel settled (I recommend working through anxiety/fear/worry and then do something grounding like journaling, or taking a shower and spending time by yourself) think about what feels true in the situation. Listen to yourself. Whatever this is, you can handle it, and you will come out the otherside okay.

3c) If someone is acting emotionally unavailable, that's not going to change anytime soon. Why are you even investing in them? You deserve someone who is excited to talk to you, and excited to share their experiences with you, and to listen to yours. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy get to you- if you don't like how they are treating you now, and if you don't like how they have been treating you, it's okay to choose a different path. You didn't "waste your time" or your emotions, you just connected with someone for a shorter while than you had hoped, hopefully had some cool conversations or experiences together, and now you get a lesson too. It'll be okay, you deserve someone who cares about your emotions and where you're at.

#pick a card #tarot #tarot readings #free tarot readings

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leothelionsaysgrrrr · 4 years ago

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Favorite Works of 2020

@frenchy-and-the-sea tagged me!

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5(ish) favorite works you created in the past year and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to some awesome works!

WELL I have been beyond busy at work during 2020 as we shifted for a while to working on COVID-related research, and I haven’t written much for fandom because of it. I was a co-author on a bunch of publications between that work and some other things I did, which I’m not going to link here for privacy’s sake (if we’re mutuals and you’d like to see them DM me and I will send you links though!) After a quick glance over my blog archive I’ve discovered that I’ve written a grand total of Exactly Five (5) pieces for fandom in 2020, not counting my long fic, so here they are:

1.) This prompt I wrote for @thereluctantinquisitor, featuring her adorable prickly ball Cyrus being bothered, once again, by Rexus. This one was fun to do because the nature of those two’s relationship in the past has always been just...how much can I get away with annoying him before he’ll a) try to kill me or b) never talk to me again, and Cyrus continuing to come back again and again because he just really does actually like Rexus. This piece is set a while after Rexus has begun his journey towards redemption, and he’s come to a realization that he just likes being around Cyrus, too, and that’s all he wants out of him this time. Plus, Rexus uses Cyrus’s actual name, rather than some Generic Orlesian Name as he always has before, and it’s both world-shattering and a nice nod to his growth.

2.) Continuing with Rexus and Growth(TM), I wrote this prompt for @bladeverbena, whose ideas and encouragement and friendship helped bring Alba Navarro to life. Here, she’s thinking known scoundrel Rexus is again up to something scoundrely, which he IS, but this time there’s more to it than that. I adore writing Alba’s and Rex’s interactions so this piece was particularly fun; I got to do it in the TSU chapter as well, but the difference between this one and that one is that in TSU, Alba knows he’s an ass and continues to expect him to be better, while here she knows he’s an ass, expects him to be better, and is genuinely surprised when he actually does live up to that. Even if it’s in the context of a prank war with his neighbor’s twelve year old.

3.) Katsuma (Emma x @lavellanlove’s Katsuro) has existed for a long time, but this prompt from @hurl-a-can is the first time I’ve ever actually written anything for them. I couldn’t NOT write it about them - these two are so alike and so in tune with each other and SUCH NERDS that they were the first thing I thought of at the idea of a scene involving only body language. It’s also short, which is a miracle for me, and also fitting for them: getting meaning across with actions and few or no words.

4.) Finally, getting into the ship occupying all my thoughts day and night but having abysmally little to show for it, I did this prompt for @lavellanlove of Silavi (Silver x her Avira), having a sweet quiet moment watching the rain and deciding they’re not quite ready to have to be apart again just yet. I’m really not lying when I say these two own my entire heart and being able to think and talk and write about them since we got them together has been nothing less than incredible, and an opportunity I’m immensely thankful to have had.

5.) This prompt for @dickeybbqpit was kind of a return to my roots, so to speak, looking at Emma and Lux’s friendship which has been sorely neglected by me for waaaay too long. They mean so much to each other and their friendship means so much to me; despite their differences - and they are VERY different people - they love each other so much and keep their friendship strong through everything. All based on moments like this, showing trust and support in the face of the other’s fear of consequences.

BONUS.) Okay I wasn’t going to include this but I’m probably most proud of the fact that I updated The Swim Upstream after TWO. WHOLE. YEARS. I’d gotten into a thing where I wrote more interactions with other people’s ocs than I did with my own, so it took me a while to get back into their heads well enough to finish this, as well as the ever-present trap of self-doubt, this being a very oc-centric story it’s hard to get other people interested in and random people aren’t going to just find it on AO3, and ‘Should I rethink the entire plot and scrap everything and start over?’ This story’s already outlined and I have an idea of how many chapters I’m going to have and what’s going to happen in them, so it was just a matter of...getting motivated to get it out and being happy with it. And let me tell you...I title all my incomplete chapters in Google Docs as “WIP Ch X” and removing the ‘WIP’ off of Chapter 5 was beyond cathartic. Chapter 6 is coming along, and I hope to not take another two years to finish it.

I am gonna tag everyone I already tagged before because I am lazy and also love all of your work, and also @sunshinemage, @fleshwerks, @lethendralis-paints, and @livjnoodles purely out of a selfish desire to see more of your work on my dash ;) No pressure, as always! <3

#thanks for the tag <3 #favorite works of 2020 #i am a slow af writer so even getting this much done is an ACCOMPLISHMENT for me

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marysfoxmask · 4 years ago

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the secret garden (1949) - why it’s my favorite adaptation

hello @renee-mariposa! thank you so much for the ask! while i believe i have answered a question like this before, i don’t think i’ve elaborated as much as i’d like to. so allow me to wax poetic on my favorite adaptation, the secret garden (1949)!

intro

this adaptation really stands out, i think, because of the the era it was made in; i don’t think you could get an adaptation aimed towards kids that is such a sentimental, gothic-lite melodrama with these days, at least without aggressively telegraphing its more emotional moments a la pixar/disney; it’s amusingly blunt and straightforward in that regard, much like the children at its center. there’s not much syrupiness at all. the child actors (margaret o’brien as mary and dean stockwell as colin) are fast-talking as any actor of that era, but in my opinion, the film’s clearly scripted dialogue just makes all the kids seem amusingly precocious.

actors

margaret o’brien as mary is great. i love her stridency, her snobbishness. unlike other adaptations, which downplay mary’s contrariness to the point where her character arc comes across as too subtle by half, the movie upgrades it. not only is 1949 mary contrary, her sullenness has been replaced by a shrillness, snobbery, and the tendency to run to emotional extremes (not to mention a healthy helping of classism). she alienates herself from the other children on the ship to england purposefully, finding them inferior to herself, then attempts to physically fight another passenger when the child calls archibald a hunchback. while this characterization isn’t book-accurate (book mary is a mix of fiery and sullen that none of the films capture accurately imo), i prefer this characterization of her to the closed-off sullenness of the 1993 version or the palatably traumatized 2020 version. 1949 mary isn’t given an obvious freudian excuse for her issues; her parents are just as neglectful, but the film puts the onus on mary for being contrary, which is weirdly refreshing and more attuned to the novel’s perspective. (that isn’t to say that mary’s traumatic early childhood didn’t inform her character in any meaningful way, or that the adults around mary aren’t responsible for how she turned out--but imo the films tend to take an un-nuanced view of the situation in order to make her a more palatable, sympathetic character, which is vastly less interesting than a complicated, flawed one no matter if the character is a child or not). when mary’s character develops and she becomes sweeter, it’s much more impactful as a result of this earlier narrative choice.

brian roper, who was 20 at the time (crazy, right?), plays dickon, and he plays him with a sweet affability that’s hard not to enjoy. he’s a little mischievous, laughing at mary when she accidentally speaks yorkshire (i’ll talk about that in a bit), and has, in a nice touch that i’ve strangely only seen in in the 1994 straight-to-dvd animated film, just as much of a passionate interest in the secret garden as mary does. dickon isn’t treated as mystically as other adaptations, save for the tendency to disappear strangely quickly just when mary happens to turn around (which is a nice nod to his quasi-magical aspects without being distracting, and also adds to mary’s sense of displacement/confusion on the mysterious misselthwaite grounds). he also gets a surprising amount to do in this adaptation, which i love, as someone who strongly believes his character has been under-served in all the film adaptations thus far. in this film, he gets to even enter misselthwaite manor by climbing up ivy into colin’s room in the middle of a storm (albeit offscreen), which is just the kind of adventurous, dramatic touch i enjoy. he also gets probably more dialogue than any of the other dickons (whoo!), as he makes a couple minor declarations--nothing super ham-fisted and melodramatic, as i said the screenplay is rather straightforward and devoid of a lot of corniness you might expect from a children’s film made in the ‘40s, especially with this kind of source material--that are heartfelt without being cloying (one of the benefits of having an older actor playing this kind of role).

colin, played by dean stockwell, is a weaker element to me. he does a good job alternating between screaming (and this movie contains a lot of screaming) and being sweet when the movie calls for it, but i don’t think he was the best choice for colin. while i think it’s awful to criticize a teen actor (stockwell was 13 at the time) for being baby-faced, the fact that he looks significantly younger than o’brien (who was 12) means that his tantrums come off as less a result of arrested development than they should. while he speaks as stiltedly as 2020 colin (who i personally think was one of the best elements of that film), it’s unclear whether that’s the result of the ‘40s fashion of expressing dialogue or a characteristic choice (i’m guessing the former). he can’t help but pale compared to o’brien’s mary, though he is perfectly adequate. he just didn’t stand out for me.

i summed up my feelings of elsa lanchester as martha in my previous, brief review of the movie back in june: “the one major flaw, i think, is actually martha, played by elsa lanchester; her portrayal is odd, feels definitely tone-deaf. her constant shrieking laughter feels very forced and unconvincing. in her few scenes, she jars everything to a halt in terms of believability.” she was significantly older than brian roper, being in her ‘40s playing a character heavily implied to be in her mid-teens to early twenties, and as a result feels out of her depth. her establishing scene is probably the worst, although i’ve warmed to her other scenes as time’s gone by.

tone/atmosphere

in general, i think the ‘49 film does a wonderful job expressing the gothic implications of the original book, even emphasizing them by casting misselthwaite manor largely in shadow and having mary and mrs. medlock first arrive in a carriage pulled by black horses on a dark, stormy night. it makes the bright outdoor scenery seem that much more inviting in comparison. burnett’s robin is also replaced by a raven, who also takes on aspects of dickon’s crow soot, as he is friends with dickon and hops on his shoulder occasionally. while it divulges from burnett’s book, i think a raven makes a little more sense in this adaptation, which amps up the eeriness of the original story; it gives mary’s journey a little more of a fairytale aspect, i think, and is overall an understandable and palatable change.

plot

the big plot development that divulges from the novel is the presence of a subplot where, due to a misunderstanding of an axe and a tree in the titular garden, mary and dickon fall under the impression that archibald killed lilias. now, this is a pretty bizarre plot, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t take up much of the film; it’s charming in its strangeness, and fits well with the idea of innocent children struggling to understand the complicated adult world—which is itself a theme original to the story that i’m kind of a sucker for, in general. it also serves as a bonding point for dickon and mary, whose friendship largely feels passed over in film adaptations.

and, of course, there’s the big plot-breaking point near the end, where archibald goes to tell colin that he’s selling misselthwaite and going to move to europe with him. an obvious plot point that conflicts with this scene is that colin, in the book, has no relationship with his father. again, it’s an odd adaptational choice meant to amp up the stakes, but it doesn’t impede my enjoyment of the film as a whole. the presence of two doctors—one, a hapless neville craven figure named dr. griddlestone, and the other is obviously inspired from the book’s “doctor from london,” who insisted all colin needed was fresh air, food, and exercise—gives the film some psychological weight. despite the disappointing element of all of colin’s neuroses being blatantly the result of his father’s emotional ailments, which i think is a lazy way of reading the original novel’s portrayal of colin’s illness, i think the way this development was executed in the film was tolerable—and i’m a sucker for children’s films that don’t think anything of including long conversations between adults about psychological issues. like, you can’t help but respect a film like that!

the garden

something i also love about this adaptation is that the garden isn’t a huge part of it; it represents more of a place where mary and dickon and colin can foster ideas and grow rather than a place of orgasmic beauty. there’s not a surplus of lavish panning shots, really, like in the ‘93 film, and it lacks the magical realism of the 2020 film. the garden itself is more transparently a plot device, which i actually like—it gives more room for the children to center themselves.

individual scenes

and the pacing of the film is actually really nice, i think—probably the best out of all the films. i love the ‘93 film with all my heart, and it’s definitely gorgeous in its own right, but i think it gets a little sluggish; this film is paced beautifully. there’s no fat, really.

there’s a scene i really love that shows the passage of time from winter to spring in a super succinct, stupidly obvious way that nonetheless works because of the innocent sweetness of o’brien’s delivery. like, it’s very old-fashioned and sentimental, but gah, it gets me every time.

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it’s time to talk about the scream scene!

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this film stole my heart the minute mary screamed wholeheartedly at colin that she hopes he dies. there’s a dark comedy to this whole scene; these two maladjusted, spoiled children trying to out-scream one another while tearing down curtains and knocking down tables full of food higgledy-piggledy?? you just can’t get better than that!

if you’re adapting the secret garden, i strongly feel you can’t soften the children’s meanness, their sharpness and ugliness. their tantrums must be harsh and grating and horrible! they have to really let loose! the rawness of the children’s emotional dysfunction contrasted against the buttoned-up stiffness of edwardian england is one of the fascinating aspects of the novel i love to think about, and you just can’t get that contrast if you don’t have the children be genuine terrors! i think this scene puts that nicely, more nicely than any of the other films, which pussyfoot around colin’s intense tantrum too much to be nearly as effective. i get giddy whenever this scene comes on; it’s brilliant.

there are so many little details from the book that i love: that the children speak yorkshire to one another, mary singing her ayah’s song to colin,

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dickon’s “i will cum bak” note (here written as “i will kum back”), the mention of dickon’s mother sending them bread to eat to make them strong. it’s all so nicely implemented, and reminds me of the joy of reading the book for the first time.

but the scene i love most is one entirely made up for the film. in it, mary tells colin about the garden, but wraps it up in fiction wherein it’s a sort of child’s eden, only accessible for children like themselves. that gets to the heart of why i love the book moreso than any other adaptation i can think of. it’s a children’s paradise where the innocent, inherent goodness of children reigns. it makes me tear up almost every time, despite the scene’s brevity.

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miscellaneous

there are some little details that i love about this film: the fact that mrs. sowerby is spotted in one scene where we see dickon at his home, feeding a lamb (and the implication that mary was so darn excited about finding the key to the garden that she ran all the way to the sowerbys’ cottage, five miles away from misselthwaite, to show dickon), mary’s clearly false story to colin about being surrounded by tigers and elephants in india, mary threatening to tear people’s gizzards out, mary telling dickon she hates him because he (gasp) dared to know about colin so she couldn’t reveal his existence to him...there’s a lot to enjoy about this film. it definitely isn’t the most accurate to the book, but it’s one of those films that i could watch over and over again.

aside from some superfluous subplots, it’s a lean adaptation that still captures all the essential elements of the book to at least to a degree. i can easily imagine some very indignant little girls in 1949 insisting that no, the raven was a robin in the book, and there was no implications of murder, either, but i love it in all its simplicity. i think you need a little old-fashioned sentiment to make a film adaptation of the secret garden successful.

#the secret garden #frances hodgson burnett #the secret garden 1949 #mary lennox #dickon sowerby #colin craven #margaret o'brien #dean stockwell #brian roper #elsa lanchester

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