#and my work is close to where i live. its just that bad
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Mirror Magick Applications
Mirrors are a big part of our lives. Mirrored surfaces, both man-made and natural exist almost everywhere. Every culture has myths regarding mirrors and I'm sure some of these we have all heard. Such as breaking a mirror is worth seven years of bad luck, that you shouldn't keep them in the bedroom, or to cover all your mirrors after someone dies, so their soul isn't trapped. Mirrors are more than just shiny bathroom fixtures, they are literal portals and amplifiers with several magickal utilities.
Trapping Energy by Charging Mirrors
Mirrors can be used to 'trap' the energy of any setting you find particularly powerful. For example: leaving your mirror close to the ocean waves or in a dark forest overnight. It will absorb the potent natural energies, then you can use the mirror in late workings as you please.
Lunar magick is another area where mirror work is ideal. Place a few mirrors under the moon to charge them with the energy of that phase. If you want to use them for a specific purpose, consider marking them with a symbol or sigil. When you need the energy of the moon, or a moon phase, you can access it as needed by using an appropriately charged mirror.
Amplification
Mirrors, like crystals, can help to amplify the power of your spells ans rituals. Keeping a mirror on your altar can bolster and increase the success of your workings. Just as focused sunlight on a mirror ignites a fire, focused magick will ignite a spell. Make sure your spell components are reflected, or better yet, perform the working on top of a mirror, to substantially increase its power.
Scrying and Accessing Other Realms
When correctly utilized mirrors can be used to access messages and visions that we wouldn't normally be able to connect with. Scrying is an ancient divinatory magick that is often used as a form of fortune-telling. Traditionally, a lot of scrying was done with water, the ancient Celts and Greeks even practiced this form of divination. Mirror scrying is an evolution of these water oracles, with historical practitioners like the famous John Dee, who used highly polished silver, brass, mercury, or obsidian.
Scrying wit mirrors can be particularly powerful due to the idea that your reflection is the manifestation of your soul. When viewing your reflection, if you're well in tune with yourself, you can ask your soul questions regarding your life and development or even open up the door to another dimension entirely. Mirrors can be enchanted and sigified into being gateways in and of themselves.
Many scrying mirrors are black because one's own reflection can be rather distracting. The traditional material of a black mirror is obsidian, however you can craft your own by painting one side of a piece of glass black. Picture frames are great for this. A black mirror is the best option for scrying as you won't be distracted by your own features, leaving you open to interpret your visions.
Banishing
Mirrors, as reflective surfaces and magickal conductors, are often used in banishing spells. Banishing magick can be used when someone is directing negative energy your way or you're being harassed. In this case, a mirror can be used to return bad energy back to the person who sent it.
Banishing magick can be a wonderful tool when applied to bad habits or negative thoughts as well. To banish an idea or behavior, encant something akin to: "[what you're banishing] you've caused me pain, I banish you, now stay away. Mirror help to reflect my plight, and keep [what you're banishing] out of sight". Keep the mirror close to you in order to protect you from what you're banishing.
Defense
Mirrors are also an incredibly effective defensive tool. They can deflect any negative energy, ill intent, or malevolent spirits sent your way. By placing mirrors in areas where you need the most protection, you can repel any unwanted energy trying to infiltrate your space. For added potentcy, draw a protective sigil/symbol on the mirror and/or place a protective crystal in front of it.
Hexenspiegal: The Witch's Mirror
A hexenspiegal is a small mirror used as a protective charm to reflect away baneful/attack magick, the evil eye, and other bad omens and intentions, as well as return the energy back to its sender. Its basis is in German folk magick. Translated, it means "witch's mirror". Hexenspiegals may be suspended from cords, fastened to walls, or, in the case of small ones, worn as jewelry. You can make your own by cleansing, decorating (optional), and sigifying/enchanting a small mirror to your intent.
#witch#magick#mirror#spell work#spellwork#spellcasting#spells#spell#folk witchcraft#folk magic#divination#scrying mirror#Scrying#spirit work#lefthandpath#dark#witchcraft#demons#satanic witch#demonolatry#eclectic witch#Pagan#witchblr#witch community
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its raining like hell today i dread going home even if the rain will stop later..... commuting home will be a pain in the ass
#random#me#i need new slippers to wear when going home#i feel like vertin but instead of losing loved ones its just going through the horrors of philippine transportation#and my work is close to where i live. its just that bad
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#its so weird. i feel like march 5th went on for more than a day somehow. i guess that's just bc we were awake for just abt all of it#my dad wanted to start doing things immediately so he was calling and scheduling all day. we went to the funeral home we went to the store#and it was weird bc as we were moving around it was like wow we r a 4 person family now. this is it. and theres so much to do after a person#dies. or at least there is when they were loved so much and jesus christ my mom was one of the best ppl a LOT of ppl knew. she did so much#for so so many ppl. and with her childhood she had every reason to b a fuck up but no she was kind and selfless and amazing. her mother is#trying to bask in the attention of her death when its like: truely go fuck urself. her being such a good person has nothing to do with u. u#treated her appallingly. fuck off. and fucking everyone knows it. god. she is a product of her grandparents kindness. and it sounds like her#dad was amazing like her. but he tragically died in a car wreck when she was 3. she was in the car. no one in my mums family believes in a#god now. too many bad things happened to the shining gems in a collection of wild alcoholics. but its not all bad. my family's staying close#my dad is taking it hard bc this means hes alone now and my mum took care of so many things bc she was so smart and he feels so dumb. he#feels he didnt deserve her. hes working on giving more hugs now. and hes using us to anxiously talk things out the way he did with mom#which is good. i cant imagine if this happened when we werent 3 adults and he was windowed with 3 kids to raise himself. and its funny. were#saying things we never would have told her. we looked thru pictures of her and she was so so beautiful. a total smoke show. my parents were#a cute couple who produced cute kids. and my mom had trouble communicating and being affectionate tho we knew she loved us there was#distance. theres a pic of my dad pulling her close and shes being tippef towarf her while standing away and thats indicitive of their#relationship. they were 2 partners who lived together independently and that worked but its sad bc my mum couldnt b vulnerable in her#expression. ppl r being so kind tho. ill be in ohio now for like 2.5 more weeks as the funeral stuff shakes out. we have to have 2 bc she#grew up away from her and so many ppl loved her in both locations. she was a popular lady. its so weird to b here on pause. but i feel clear#in my head. i think this will change a lot of my outlook on life. its nice to focus on the person she was and not the horrible 12hrs where i#saw her half dead. i cant imagine how awful it was for my sisters and dad to see her downslide into death. she didnt expect this to b The#Fever that killed her but it did and now she'll never finish a million things. and the house is full of pill bottles and all her junk and#unopened amazon packages and a truck with the fuel left on empty. bc she was an absent minded goofball. ay. well miss her so much#unrelated
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also its so dumb that one of the arguments ppl have against a sims 5 is that theyve already invested too much money into 4. like yes its fucking scummy that ea charges so much for dlc and its Ludicrous the amt sims 4 costs if you have all the dlc and its going to keep getting more and more expensive but . to be honest . why are you paying for sims packs. im sry
#ik not everyone can pirate i get it and its your money do what you want#but itis your choice to invest so much into like. a sinking ship DJRNFJFNG. idk....#i want 2 be optimistic and believe that somehow they WILL be able to fix every single issue with ts4#but i honestly believe thats require them to take an extended break from releasing new packs and shit#and i genuinely honestly dont think theyll do that. lol.#but like. i think itd be a good idea like. Cut down on new releases and focus on fixing the base game and then pack refreshes#bc itd be rly cool to have like. pack refreshes to make them more fleshed out#but also like. sigh. it rly does come down to the packs bc i judt genuinely find it kind of disgusting how little is in each pack#and how many of the packs could be consolidated#genuinely earnestly feel like growing together and parenthood shouldve been one pack. like. and honestly throw hsy in there...#hsy could do with a refresh Badd ik its fairly new but oh my god the school is so fucking buggy#and in general like. IDK. id rly love the packs to be refreshed and id love love love More fucking lots in the worlds oh my god. multiple#worlds have literally 4 lots. Thats fucking actually insane it makes me crazy#i get like. ooh bc you can travel between worlds the worlds can be smaller but i hate it 😭😭😭#i think its just bc i grew up playing 3 perhaps but like. i rly loved like. idk when i choose to play in a sims world i want to play in tha#world. i dont want to have to like. i live in moonwood mills (5 lots .) and thej i have to go to like. san myshunonif i want to go to a bar#or whatever. is there a bar in san myshuno idr#IDKIDK. i feel like Innnn my opinion there should be like. at least 1 of the basegame lot types for every world maybe with some exceptions#and there should be enough empty slots ppl can fill it out more if they want...#but also like. idk. i suppose it wouldnt affect me much bc i usually stay on my home lot as much as possible#bc of the loading screens#it wouldnt be so bad if like. idk. i understand why they didnt wanna do open world like ts3#well i dont its fucking actually stupid. but i get that ts4 wasnt supposed to be what it is and it wasnt built to be a longrunning game.#hence why ts5 should happen instead as a Strong Foundation BUT WHATEVER but like. yk. and ik im not the only person in the world and other#ppl want different but i feel like maybe you could have options .. idk. im not a programmer#but itd be cool to have some sort of way to toggle between like. open world semi open world and closed world#where itd be like. ts3 style where the exteriors of everything r there but the interiors r loaded in when u visit (if that is how ts3 works#i may be a bit off) nd closed would be ts4 style Loading screen to go . next door#am i misremembering or are there even loading screens between like. the new apartments with forrent.... there were for the city living ones#skull Fuckk i ran out of space
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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Probably unpopular opinion but… James would have been a better parent than Lily, and probably would have been the one to adjust to parenthood the easiest.
oooooh, controversial, anon
i feel like my answer to this would be equally unpopular but i agree with you
and the thing is, there's no specific reason for it, either. absolutely no basis in canon (where we see examples of lily's parenthood, not james) but i just--am really biased towards my boy ykno?
in addition to viewing james as nurturing/like a caretaker, i also feel like lily was the more selfish of the two. and more independent as well. so she would take time to adjust to this entire human depending on her whereas james is a fkn sponge--he'll love having harry attached to him at all times. he was also a lonely child who adored his parents and wanted something similar to that whereas lily's family situation was, well. ykno.
so yeah, i dont know if i'd call it a better parent, exactly (james was almost def the more indulgent of the two, and would always put harry's happiness over everything, even if it could be detrimental so he had his faults) but i do think he was a natural parent and it came harder to lily.
#hi yes im back to the unpopular opinions#wdym they're a month old huh#women are demonised in media yada yada yada i know#but let me live w my silly little headcanons#major disclaimer that these r all opinions#(the fact that i have to caveat my posts lol)#its all precautionary bc ive always had the best anons but still. just in case.#i also think there was a moment of like--parental jealousy? on lily's end#where she's sad and envious at how quickly j&h got close and how easy it is for him but she has to work hard#and then she has a convo ab it with sirius#whos like 'listen its the pitfalls of being around james potter--u always feel inadequate'#(reminds me of the line from FoD where lily tells harry that being with overachievers can be tough)#and he tells her james has always been a natural carer#that doesnt mean shes bad at it. she just needs time#also he relates to her fears and anxieties more#coming from a dysfunctional family himself#so yeah#pen’s asks
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#im probably gonna be spending a lot of my life mourning my sisters and my relationship#we were so close but now we dont really talk outside of gatherings#i dunno#we're both living our own lives and it takes two to be distant#theres a lot of things i hate about her and its probably mostly stuff that hits my own insecurities#i used to come to her with all kinds of things#now its like she doesnt respond to my lil reachings out so like i dunno#we work for the same fucking college for fucks sake#im prolly always gonna resent her for applying and moving here without telling me and just having me hear second hand#like yes im not blameless but also like fuck her#i continue to prove i dont need her but also i miss her#we only hurt each other when we do talk#the fact my old coworker reminded me of her so much was probably part of why i hated her so bad#fuck people who think theyre better than me (read people i think are better than me)#my mom called today and thats whats got me thinking like this#im great#people love me#im loved#honestly my familys where i get all my abandonment issues#im better off without all of them but by god if thats gonna stop me from like feeling the ache of their absence like a phantom limb
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Babysat a 5, 3, 2 year-old and 10 month old for 6 hours. That's 1 kid per age group. I got a hot chocolate and 5$ for it
#and to spend quality time with the kids wherein they all battled for my attention and i missed work where i could take a break#loved that my mom used this as a 'and you want kids' moment#like shut the actually up?#because once i have kids i know ill have a surplus of support (for 1) and for 2 i wont be having them so close like thatt#it feels like everyone is against me having kids these days or at least turning it into a 'you cant handle it' or 'you have alterior motive#s'#one person said i was thinking abt my retirement plans#another asked if id like to travel first#and im kinda annoyed bc its always unwarrented shit too#like im not saying this to start an argument or to recieve your opinion on how me having kids is bad bc it doesnt aling w#what you want specifically like#if you cant imagine yourself havign kids thats great! be happy and live your life#but as soon as you start to hope i dont have them or question me abt why i want them etc it makes me feel crappy#the worst thing you can do is said somethign like 'i hope you don't because thats not something id want right now'#this isnt about you!#it's about me#or ill get the opposite reaction like 'so just have kids then rn' i have to consider the other person involved in the procreation#i want someone who wants a baby to be involved w me in that aspect rather than someone who is openly against it
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#personal#i dont really know how to talk about this but i am scared. for myself. not for my system but for me and also for my sys#im primary protector. i am the oldest being in this body by time (not by age). i was one of the first created at the bodys 9month old Thing#ive always had a background almost co-con role. not fully cocon but i contribute to a lot of the blur because im always close enough to#the front to be able to step in as quickly as possible if needed. and to give instructions and warnings to whoevers in front and needing it#the last maybe 2 months? 3? ive taken up a more active hosting role in a cycle with 3 others#im really worried that its been happening so much that its impacting my duties as primary protector. im scared the brain has been#keeping things from me or shutting of knowledge i did have access to to help me adjust to concept of hosting#i cant see the inner as clearly as i could. i know my girlfriends in there somewhere but reaching out only has like a 12% chance of#getting through when ive spent the last 14 years almost living on top of her as she was the old host.#it feels rough and scary. like i know shes in there i think our gatekeep would tell me if she became dormant even if i was full host so i#i have to belive shes alright in there but i do miss her so bad. i want to know shes okay. i want to hold her#im mostly worried about losing more access to information i used to have and diminishing my use in my protector role as a result#i dont want to be a host. i need to feel like i can talk to my guys and gals and pals with the clarity and communication weve spent the last#4 years building. i feel there are more capable than me to replace me and allow me to step back and resume background-host/protector stuff#they are untrained and unfamiliar with our life but theyre not trauma holders. what do they call those? normal parts? dont like that languag#but they dont have the trauma related issues that some olthers/old hosts do and can be trained in the running of the life#we dont work we dont really leave the house due to agoraphobia so we have the time and space to train a new host#idk what to do#idk where this went i guess this is venting you can ignore it#but i guess the solution is to talk to the one cohost i can still talk with and see if they can do some hiring for me#get them to head in and see if the brain will cooperate to bring someone else out to take my host spot soon#or make one but thats not ideal id prefer to avoid that if we can. but i can feel myself reaching my limits for this#somethings gotta give soon either way#system#although we already have 3 other hosts in roster and several alters created specifically for that hanging out inside too so maybe#maybe things wont crumble if i just decide to step back on my own. if i can. harder to step back when i cant access inner but maybe if i can#then we will survive with the 3
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i am sane and normal and goign to smoke after this post to become even more sane and even more normal
#theres no point to stumbling my way through this and hoping i settle alright on the other side#i ruin everything i put my hands on - im terribly abusive and everyone is too afraid of me retaliating to say anything so theyre silent#i bitch and whine so much about how 'traumatized' i am meanwhile ive ruined the life of anyone thats known me for even a week#where do i get off acting like every 'abusive' situation ive been in Wasnt my fault and or karma for the way i treat others#no wonder im going to die alone! god i fucking deserve it! i chase off anyone good to me by being a toxic piece of shit#and anyone that stays just gets more and more worn down by me until theres nothing left of them and they ahve to leave too#im so tired of being an abusive friend to anyone that knows me i am jsut a terrible leech onto anyone thats ncie to me#i need to kms SOON so i can fucking stop i might [■■■] just bc i think thatd actually Work . n i need to find a place to do it#im realizing its a bit insensitive to do it in my room and my second choice was the park but thats also a bit insensitive so idk anywhere#theres gotta be a hiking trail thats close Enough but still isolated to the point that nobody would stumble on me before planned discovery#and then i can remove a negative impact from the lives of so many#i keep thinkign about burning myself instead of cutting but i liek . dont know Where to do it so i keep putting it off#im so sad i just want to be good and helpful and get loved in return i want to cry into someones chest rn#i am such a bad bad bad dog i deserve everything i get and worse tbh caus clearly my weak ass “”“”trauma“”“” is all made up#good god i need to get over myself and jsut commit already
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I saw that you had transformers on your fandom list, will you be willing to write a 'bot of choice x human reader jealousy/protectiveness fic? Like in that one scene from Transformers 2 where the Deception Pretender tried to seduce Sam but Bee absolutely wasn't having that but had to stay in car mode?
[Aren't you supposed to be more mature than this?]
Summary: Optimus knows better than to get attached to you (too late), he can't help but side eye you and a stranger interacting. (Based on Knightverse Optimus, after ROTB!)
Word count: 800+ words!
Pronouns: They/them
Warnings: Optimus is bad at feelings, Optimus being down bad, extremely self indulgent. Mainly Optimus' Pov as well! Lmk if I need to tag anything!
A/N: Everyone who knows me knows of my obsession and love for this man it's so bad, I have him tattooed and have a whole ass shrine I love HIMMM, Thank you sm for the request! He is the love of my life.
Optimus Prime has been called many things, many of which are true, things he'd accept with pride.
A great leader, a good friend, a valuable teammate, A war criminal.
A jealous bot was never one of them, until recently.
He wasn't sure when he started to take a shine towards you. Was it after Unicron? When he held you in his servos, cradling you to his chest as he transformed back into his bipedal form, only letting go of you after the confused looks from Bee and Mirage.
Maybe it was a while after that, when you offered to help clean him up, Noah was too busy rebuilding Mirage to offer his services to the big man himself.
Optimus could never wipe the feeling of your small hands gently running across his frame, taking extra care to mend any scratches you found, constantly checking in to make sure he was comfortable.
He's ashamed to admit, but he kept shuddering under your touch, his senses overwhelmed by your presence. Every time his cooling fans turned on, he'd wave it off as it was just hot outside. (it's 60 degrees out, liar.)
He tries to recharge that night, but the feeling in his chassis makes him restless. He can see his sensors go haywire at the mere thought of you. He is so fucked, he shuts his eyes and groans deeply, his mask shooting up to mask the sound, lest he wakes the others.
Primus help him.
With his new revelation, Optimus tries his best to distance himself towards you, always making excuses as to why he can't drive you home or to work (a flicker of jealously when Arcee offers, no one catches his digits curling ever so slightly into his palm), saying he must go on patrol for the time being. He waves you off when you try and care for him, asking if he'd like any help with any scrapes and dents, saying he can live with them, he's been through worse.
Its only natural that you'd give him some space, that's the kind of person you are, kind, loving, respectful, loyal to a fault, but it doesn't escape his notice when your smile falls after he politely tells you you're not needed, his spark aching when you turn around to go find another bot.
Optimus watches you now, stationed on the street.
He has no right to be upset when you're stopped outside of the garage by an older man, the man so clearly taking interest in you while you're very politely listening and nodding, shooting that oh so pretty smile to a man who he's sure is not fit to be anywhere near you, not worthy of the warm smile you wear.
It makes him seethe in jealousy, and it's scary.
He can not remember a time when he had ever been jealous. He's a prime. He was supposed to be a calm and collected leader and yet. And yet, he's so close to blowing his hor-
You suddenly whirl towards him. If he was any better of a man, he wouldn't immediately think of how cute you looked, how your lips moved as you let out a yelp.
It isn't until that thought passes his mind that he realizes he used his truckers horn. Embarrassment trickles through his body, although now he has your attention, and you are making your way towards him. The man following behind you keeps the conversation going, not catching a hint.
Optimus is ready to honk again, especially if this man keeps following so close behind you, way too close for comfort.
You beat him to it, turning around as you rest a hand on Optimus’ cabins door handle, shooting the man a polite smile.
“Sorry about that, but my husband is actually here to pick me up, so I have to go. Have a good day!” And You hoist yourself up, quickly buckling your seat belt, gently patting the dashboard in hopes Optimus fucking drives before you're bothered anymore.
Optimus’ processor buffers, his engine revving as he goes on autopilot to tale you both away. Does he know where to drive to? Certainly no, but you're with him now. He's sure you could ask him to take you to distant planets, and he'd make it work for you and only you.
“Thank you for the save, big guy.” You smile brightly at his steering wheel, your eyes lovingly trailing across the autobot symbol that sits in the center.
“It was nothing, I am glad to be there to assist.” The cabin rumbles with his voice, soothing your anxiety. You curl into your seat, resting your head.
“Where are we going?”
“If I'm not mistaken, you mentioned wanting to go to upstate New York to drive along some scenic routes? I'll gladly be your escort.”
He is so ridiculously falling for you, but he can't bring himself to hate it, especially when you excitedly hop in your seat.
ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ᴠᴇʀʏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ꜰᴏʀ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ ɪ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ᴛᴏ ʜᴇᴀʀ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴏᴏɴ!
#can you tell im up his ass#Optimus is one of my top 5 characters ever i am married to him actually#transformers x reader#optimus prime x reader#gender neutral reader#teddy loves bots ☆#optimus prime#transformers knightverse#tf knightverse#Optimus x reader
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SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK
#i was like huh whats that noise. bc i can normally NEVER hear anything over my headphones but it was the rain fucking shattering it down#my bed is WET the window was only open a few inches 😭#anyway had no signal at work again today smfh. but at least they let me on the bus free on the way there this morning#still a bit wobbly im in the baby deer phase of post major depressive episode#roommate asked how i was doing when she got home and i very very nearly started crying but i didnt i was so brave#my insane insecurity and anger swings post rsd episode have mostly faded too thank fuck. only took 4 days which is pretty good for me#but im still so so tired it takes everything out of me...#when im recovered + can talk abt it without making myself upset again im promising myself i will talk to her abt the rsd if nothing else#but i really really dont want to make her feel bad abt it at all its genuinely not anyones fault. but its important to me that i say smth#just so we can avoid it happening again where possible bc it does really suck so bad. for everyone im sure but mostly me here#and i would like to be able to care abt ppl and have close friends without risking my entire mental (+ physical..) wellbeing 😭#i think if im still struggling w mood once my meds stabilise i might ask if there are options to help w that too#like i think ive gone as far as i can w therapeutic techniques rn. its just too overwhelmingly intense and reflexive for me to apply that#and i dont feel like i live my life around it or in fear of it anymore like generally i have been a lot better#but when im vulnerable and it DOES strike i have no defense against it whatsoever and it can tank everything for weeks#its just high stakes. and it'll help to make sure ppl know abt it and might be able to support etc but it would be nice to never worry abt#so worth trying meds for it maybe. i just dont rly wanna have the conversations w medical ppl in order to get it in the first place#like i wouldnt feel safe telling a doctor abt it bc the idea of someone with that authority having power over me is terrifying#ah well this isnt a problem for right now. plus stimulants might help me w it anyway once im finished titrating so we'll see#got so distracted typing this i forgot what i was gonna do.... i need to check my planner#and then ill probably read and go to sleep early i think zzzzz#ahhh.. and the birds are singing outside now the rain has stopped :-)#.diaries
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True Love's Kiss
Feat. Idia, Azul, Vil
Synopsis: You've fallen under a mysterious sleeping spell. Who can wake you up but your true love?
...
🎮 Idia Shroud 🎮
"ME?!"
Idia's shriek resounded through the infirmary before he was hushed by one of the nurses. He shrunk back in his embarrassment and turned back to the cheeky cat that was standing on the infirmary bed next to your sleeping form.
"Yes, you, shut-in. What have you got brimstone on your ears?" Grim scowled at the blue-haired boy who's hair was becoming quite pink with embarrassment. "Who else would kiss my henchman awake?"
"Literally anyone else, maybe?" Idia argued, hiding his face behind the collar of his jacket. "It's always Prince Charming in the stories. I'm about the farthest thing you could find."
"I think you're plenty charming, Idia!" Ortho chimed in with what would have been a smile if he didn't have his mask on. "Who's to say you won't break the spell?"
"I say," Idia groaned, his voice muffled by his jacket. "Aren't there any other cures? I thought Professor Crewel was working on an antidote."
Before Grim could open his mouth, Ortho interrupted.
"Nope! No other cure!" Ortho beamed with glee uncharacteristic for delivering grave news. "I already scanned and if my databases say there's no other cure than there's no other cure and you have to kiss them!"
Idia whined in mortification and buried himself further in his jacket, now almost entirely engulfed by the fabric, except for the tufts of flaming hair sticking out the top.
Grim tapped his paw impatiently, quite fed up with Idia's reservations. Every second you were asleep was a second that your poor, poor kitty boss went without tuna (he couldn't reach the cabinet where you put the cans).
"I could always go get Leona. He's a prince, so it's close enough, yeah?"
"No!" Idia shot up, his hair flared up in red, startling Grim so bad, Ortho had to catch him before he fell off the bed. Idia took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair until it returned to its regular electric blue.
"Don't even joke about that," Idia muttered through gritted teeth. "Makes my skin crawl to think of that grubby jock getting his slimy lips anywhere near Y/N."
"Fine, if you don't want anyone else to do it, then what's the issue?" Grim put his paws on his hips and shot Idia an impatient look. "You like them, they like you, they probably want to kiss you anyway so just hop to it! I'm starving over here!"
Idia snapped up in shock at Grim's words.
"Y/N... likes me?"
Grim scoffed in ridicule and rolled his eyes.
"Duh! What, have you been living under a rock? Oh, wait, you have, haven't you?"
Ortho immediately began protesting Grim's insult. Idia himself might've been offended if he wasn't preoccupied with his overheating brain.
Why in Wonderland would you like him? I mean that was just a ridiculous claim even though both Grim and Ortho seemed to believe it. Not many people even liked being around him much... but then again, you weren't other people.
You were the one who messaged him to go to sleep at midnight after gaming for too long. You brought him snacks and sat in comfortable silence in his dorm while he played video games. You never expected more from him and without realizing it, he has gotten used to having you next to him. It even happened sometimes that he would turn to say something to you while he was gaming, only to find you weren't there. It baffled him how you made your way into his daily routine almost without notice.
"Do they really?" Idia asked softly, catching the attention of both Grim and Ortho who had been exchanging some heated words of childlike manner. "Like me, I mean."
Ortho giggled at his brother's bashfulness.
"Of course they do! They never shut up about you!" Grim huffed, recalling the countless times he'd heard you practically gushing about the vitamin D deficient geek. "No clue why though. Guess Y/N likes 'em pale and sickly."
"I'm not- whatever," Idia didn't really have the fight in him to argue with Grim's impression of him. He took a deep breath and looked at Ortho. "Do you really think it would work?"
"Only one way to find out!" the little robot responded cheerily.
"What if..." Idia gulped. "What if it doesn't work and I just kiss them for nothing? What if..."
"Shut up and pucker up, dracula! I'm wasting away without my henchman!"
That earned Grim a pair of yellow-eyed glares.
Idia collected himself with a deep breath and leaned towards you.
"Nope, nope, nope, this is a bad idea, I can't do this," he panicked, standing up and waving his hands around in anxiety. Grim rolled his eyes and jumped onto Idia's shoulders, pushing him onto you with all the momentum the little creature could muster.
It was effective. Idia toppled forward onto the infirmary bed, catching himself just in time to not crush you, but not before his lips brushed yours.
Idia jumped back, crashing to the floor quite devoid of grace. He, Ortho, and Grim all held their breath, waiting for something to happen.
"Aw, man, our first kiss, and I wasn't even awake for it!"
Idia brightened at the sound of your voice. He jumped back to his feet to see your drowsy eyes locked on him.
"Hi, Charming," you lazily smiled at the blue-haired boy. "Thanks for rescuing me."
Idia's face went slack with shock and his face turned so red you were afraid he might explode.
"Perfect! Now that you're awake, get me tuna, human!"
...
🐙 Azul Ashengrotto 🐙
"This is such a bad idea."
Deuce echoed for the nth time since Ace had come up with his little scheme.
"I know but just think," Ace smirked at your sleeping body, which the two were carrying through the Octavinelle dorm, Ace supporting your arms, Deuce carrying your legs, like they were carrying a dead body. "Imagine the look on the prefect's face when they wake up and see Azul They'll probably think they're dreaming."
"Yeah, I think they've had that dream before," Grim scowled from where he rode atop your belly. "Wouldn't be surprised with how down-bad they are for that slimy little junior mafia boss."
"It'll be fine, I'm sure," Ace dismissed, ignoring Deuce's concerned look. "And if anything bad happens, it'll probably be the prefect ending up with a contract, not us."
"That's kind of a terrible thing to say about a cursed person," Deuce pointed out matter-of-factly.
"Pssh, where'd your moral compass come from, huh?"
"From my mom," Deuce spat defensively. Ace was about to respond when they were both startled by a looming figure standing menacingly behind Deuce.
"Well, well, well, what have we here?"
Both first years gulped in fear at the sound of the eel's unison voices.
"Is our poor prefect injured?" Jade frowned though his eyes held a devious sparkle.
"Sort of..." Grim started but jumped back when Floyd grinned at him menacingly.
"We can't have Shrimpy being hurt, now can we?" he flashed his sharp teeth at the sleeping prefect. "We'll take 'em off your hands, fix 'em up real nice."
"Will we get them back?" Ace asked, fearing the answer. Jade responded with a squinty smile.
"That remains to be seen."
"Hey, wait a minute-!" Deuce tried to protest but was cut off when Floyd lifted your limp body with two hands and flung you over his shoulder.
"Careful, Floyd," Jade warned. "We can't have damaged goods."
The unfortunate trio was left to watch as you were hefted into the Mostro Lounge, wondering if they would ever see you again.
Meanwhile, in the Mostro Lounge, Azul was peacefully tallying profits in his office when his door was kicked down.
"What the-" he shrieked. Azul stared in horror as Floyd barged into the room with a body flung over his shoulder. "Did you... Did you actually kill someone this time?"
"Not this time," Floyd responded cheerfully. Azul managed to stand up from his chair right before Jade swept everything off of the polished mahogany desk in front of him.
"What are you doing?!" Azul yelled but was quickly silenced when Floyd set your limp body down on the now-empty desk. "Is that Y/N?"
"Yup!" Floyd said, popping the "p" with a sly smile.
"Are they...?" Azul asked hesitantly.
"Just sleeping, fortunately," Jade responded with a similar grin. "But I'm afraid it's the work of magic. They won't wake until..."
At this point Azul was very concerned. His crush was unconscious on his desk and his business associates were far too smug to have good intentions.
"Until what? Seven's sake, just tell me why you brought them here!"
"Very well," Jade bowed his head in respect that felt more mocking than anything. "The prefect will remain asleep until they are woken up by true love's kiss. It is the belief of myself as well as Y/N own friends that you may be able to fulfill this requirement."
It must have been at least a full minute before Azul spoke again.
Jade waited patiently with a smile as Azul stared in shock and confusion, the gears behind his eyes obviously turning at superhuman speeds.
Azul finally snapped back into his regular businessman persona.
"Well, of course, I am obviously the most qualified candidate to undertake his task," Azul said nonchalantly, though both eels could easily tell it was a front.
"We'll leave you two alone then!" Floyd winked suggestively at Azul, the octopus' calm facade cracking ever so slightly.
Jade and Floyd shut the door to Azul's office and he could hear their laughter through the wood.
Azul took a deep breath and looked at your sleeping form. You looked so peaceful, your forehead free from worried wrinkles and lips devoid of any kind of scowl. Azul was used to being on the receiving end of some of these scowls/ incredulous looks. He couldn't deny he might have deserved some of the scrutiny you gave him, given that he did attempt to trick your friends into contracts so you would have to come visit him to save them. Perhaps if you wanted him to stop, you should stop wearing that adorable pout when you confront him!
You took a breath and Azul stood up so fast it scared him.
"Sevens," Azul muttered, running a hand through his hair. "When did I get this jumpy?"
He looked at you once more, taking in every still detail about you.
"Might as well stare, since you'll never be this calm around me again," he whispered as if he was afraid you would hear him through your enchantment. He sighed contentedly as he stared at your sleeping face.
After only a few seconds, he snapped himself back out of it.
"Stop it, Azul, that's creepy," he scolded himself, taking to pacing around his room. "Though to be fair, kissing someone who is under an enchanted sleep is far more creepy than just looking at them."
He peered at you again. Though it was easy to admire your serene expression, it was uncanny to see your face motionless, without a laugh or groan or yell behind it. Azul took a deep breath and steeled his nerves.
"Even if they hate me forever, it's worth a shot," he quietly hyped himself up. "But isn't it just true love's kiss? There's no way I'm their true love, that would be impossible. They dislike me far too much. But I would never forgive myself if I could have saved them..."
Azul grappled with his inner thoughts for who knows how long, before landing on the conclusion that he should just go for it and kiss you.
"If they do wake up, I'll apologize profusely until they forgive me for kissing them and then possibly draft a marriage contract...?" Azul hit himself in the head to snap himself out of it. "Stop it. Now's not the time to be thinking about that."
Azul took a sharp inhale and turned back to you.
"Oh, screw it!"
He exclaimed and rushed back to his desk, pressing his lips to yours before he could rethink it. It was the slightest kiss, barely even a kiss. Azul wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he had truly taken advantage of you.
He turned away faster than even the brief kiss. He held his breath, trying to notice tiny details about his walls to distract himself from the tension.
"What is... Where am I?"
Azul spun around, eyes wide with genuine shock. Upon seeing you groggily looking around, he straightened and cleared his throat.
When you turned toward the noise, you saw Azul, the absolute picture of perfection he always was. You would never have known he was feeling anything akin to anxiety if it weren't for the nervous tapping of his custom-tailored leather shoes.
"Azul?" You narrowed your eyes, taking in your environment. You were laying on a table, alone in a small room with Azul. "What is this? Don't tell me you finally got the tweels to drug me."
Azul opened his mouth to protest, a bit concerned that you were so used to stuff like that that you just sounded tired instead of worried, but he remembered his gentlemanly guise and rethought his next words.
"Honestly, Y/N, do you really think me so cruel?" Azul smirked, praying to the Seven for an excuse you would buy so he wouldn't have to explain the real situation. "I was not the one who brought you here. You were merely... dumped on my doorstep, shall we say."
"I just remember Ace and Grim screwing around in alchemy and they dropped some dumb potion..." You put together vague pieces of your memory before it clicked. "Ooooh, sleeping potion. I was knocked out, wasn't I? Bit stupid of those idiots to bring me here, but isn't that how they always are."
You jumped off the table as if you hadn't just been passed out. Azul was honestly surprised by your chipperness. You sighed and turned to him.
"So what did you do? What do I owe you?" You looked at Azul expectantly. He blinked a couple times before he felt embarrassing heat rise on his neck.
"I didn't- well I- that is to say-" Azul stared, scrambling for words. Nobody but you could make him this inarticulate. He took a deep breath and collected himself. "You don't owe me. If anything, I should be paying you for recompense."
You furrowed your eyebrows, very skeptical of any supposed kindness coming from NRC's resident schemer.
"What do you mean recompense? What happened?"
"I may have-" Azul coughed, trying to brush off what was so clearly bothering him. "This particular enchantment required-" Another cough. "I believe the particular wording was a true love's kiss. I provided a kiss of such manner. Because of the impropriety of this particular cure, I feel a certain responsibility to compensate you for such lack of consent."
You stared for a long time. Azul imagined that must have been what he looked like when Jade first told him about your condition.
"True love's kiss..." You trailed off, subconsciously bringing your fingers to your lips.
"Yes and I will be happy to provide compensation for emotional or physical damages or- or other."
You looked at Azul incredulously.
"You just told me you're my true love and you think I want money?!"
Azul was quite confused now.
"Do you not want money?"
"Well, I could always use it but at the particular moment, what I really want is for this dumb octopus to come and give me a real kiss."
...
🪞 Vil Schoenheit 🪞
It had been a few hours since you had been unceremoniously dumped on Pomefiore's doorstep. Apparently, some alchemical accident had happened, leaving you magically asleep with no known cure. Crowley had dropped your limp body at Pomefiore and offered extra credit to anyone who could fix you. It only made sense. After all, the Fairest Queen was quite proficient at potions, and so Vil prided himself on the same.
No one else had dared touch you once he spotted your body and glared at them. He had Rook carry you to the makeshift potions lab next to Vil's room. Rook, ever the drama queen, took every step to ensure your comfort while in your enchanted sleep. He set you up on a table with plush pillows and a lacy blanket. Vil thought the flowers Rook had arranged in your hands were a bit excessive but he was more preoccupied with finding a cure.
Vil told himself he was doing it for the extra credit, but really, anyone who knew him knew he didn't need it. Some part of him didn't like seeing you cursed.
For the past two hours, Vil had been rifling through every potion book he had, trying multiple recipes and feeling a little more disheartened every time it didn't work. One of the elixirs he whipped up burned right through his potted fern. He elected not to test that one on you.
Eventually, Vil came upon a book about curse-breaking.
"Can't believe I didn't see this before," he muttered to himself, flipping open the table of contents.
There was only one page on sleep spells. Vil ran his finger over the passage as he read it.
"The only way a sleep spells can be reversed is thought true love's..." Vil interrupted himself with a scoff. "That's ridiculous, that can't be the only way."
He looked over at your sleeping form, clutching your bouquet of flowers. The color was drained from your face and even the shade of your clothes looked grayer. Vil felt a pang of emotion, like a hand squeezing his heart at the sight of you so lifeless.
You were usually so full of life, bringing joy to those close to you. You stayed just out of the limelight, content to support your friends in their shenanigans but having your own fun outside of the public eye. Oftentimes, you took Vil along with you, giving him a taste of what it's like to be treated like a normal person.
It disturbed him so see you devoid of a smile or eye-roll or any sort of emotion that you wore on your sleeve.
No matter what it took, he would find a cure.
"You've already found a cure," Vil imagined you saying to him. "You're just too scared to use it."
"What do you know?" Vil grumbled quietly. Had he really fallen so far he was talking to himself? He wished you were really talking to him, really showing signs of life, even if it was to scold him. "There must be another cure somewhere. I don't care how long it takes me to find it."
"You know true love's kiss is the most powerful thing in the world," Vil's imaginary you said. "There isn't another way. And besides, would you rather me be awake now instead of in the 6 months it takes you to find something else?"
Vil huffed, more annoyed by the fact that he really didn't want to wait than what you were saying.
"Then why don't you tell me how to find your true love, hm? That'll take me longer than 6 months."
His imaginary you just stared at him, blinking pointedly. He stared back, trying to decipher what his psyche was trying to tell him.
"You don't think..." His face fell when he realized what that look meant. "It's not me, believe me."
"Well, some part of you obviously thinks it could be, because I think it could be you and I'm just in your head," you shrugged.
"I refuse," he immediately declared, turning away from where your real self laid. "If you were real, you would not agree. And by the way, who am I to kiss you while you're asleep?"
Vil looked over at your peaceful face and he swore he could see incredulity in your motionless expression.
"Stop looking at me like that, potato. I refuse to kiss you without proper consent."
Imaginary you stared at Vil again, unsettling him more.
"Come now, I don't need this from both of you," he picked up a potion book, pretending to read it.
"You could save me," imaginary you offered, your voice solemn in a way he couldn't imagine perfectly. He'd never heard you that serious. Guilt suddenly hit him in the chest, drawing his attention back to you.
Vil stared at you longingly for much longer than he would have allowed himself if you were conscious. He groaned and walked towards you.
"I want to save you, Y/N," Vil declared wistfully as he stood over you. "I do know if I can be your true love, but Seven, I'm out of ideas."
Vil leaned closer to you and brushed a hair out of your face.
"Maybe I'll be able to do this right one day."
Vil brought his lips to yours gently, barely touching them before he pulled away. He watched your face for any signs of movement. When you stayed stationary, he turned away, trying to shut out his disappointment.
"Honestly, when did I get so delusional?" Vil scoffed, desperately trying to push down his feelings. "In what sort of foolish fantasy do I count as Y/N's true love?"
"Mine, probably."
Vil whirled around, his usual grace abandoned in his shock at hearing your voice in his ears in lieu of his head.
You groaned as you sat up, a bit confused as you examined the flowers you were holding.
"Sorry, that was probably a dumb thing to say," you laughed, shocking Vil with how easily you adjusted to your surroundings. "Though I guess you really are my true love. You can't try to deny it, I've got the receipts."
Vil's lip quirked up at your instant snap back to teasing.
"My word against yours, potato."
...
Buy me a Kofi! ☕
#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland x reader#twst#twst x reader#disneytw#idia shroud#idia shroud x reader#vil schoenheit#vil schoenheit x reader#azul ashengrotto#azul ashengrotto x reader#kalim al asim#kalim al asim x reader
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quinn’s gf coming to the lake house for the first time and coming a bit later than everyone else, quinn has been grumpier than usual and than he gets his gf and he’s so much happier
Quinn is pouting.
At least.. that's what Jack told Petey, who told Brock who told you.
"He's being pathetic. Tell her to hurry up." Are the exact words Jack used. Brock felt it was important that you knew exactly the type of bullying Quinn was being subjected to in your absence.
Luke was much more direct, sending you a message that simply said: "come fix him" followed by a picture of Quinn sitting outside, alone, shoulders hunched forwards, phone in hand.
This leads to where you are now: sitting in the airport waiting for Jack to come and pick you up to take you back to the lake house three days ahead of schedule.
"He's really missed you," Jack doesn't wait for you to settle into your seat. "And not in a 'heh, what a loser' kinda way. In a 'I think he'd leave if he had to spend another day without you' kinda way."
Looking over at the boy, you scrunch your eyebrows in confusion. "He wouldn't leave. He's got you guys."
"Yn," Jack sounds exasperated. "He misses you in a way I didn't know someone could miss another. In a way I cannot even begin to comprehend because I've never been in love the way he is with you. He would have left days ago if he didn't know you were coming to see him."
The rest of the drive is silent until he's pulling in the street that leads to the house.
"I missed him too." Your voice is quiet, and Jack almost misses your words. "My boss sent me home early yesterday because I was in such a bad mood. She told me to 'kiss my man or whatever I need to do' before I came back."
Jack chuckles at that. "Except you couldn't cause he was here and not there."
Nodding, he reaches over and taps your shoulder comfortingly before pulling into a parking space next to another car.
"Go see him, I'll get your bags." Rushing out a 'thank you', you're running into the house and past Trevor, who simply points out the back door.
Flinging the door open, you can see Quinn sitting down on the dock, shoulders slumped, and head hanging.
Your feet carry you quickly, and soon, your footsteps are thumping on the wooden dock, drawing Quinn's attention.
"Luke I swear-" Quinn cuts himself off when he sees it's you sprinting down the dock, barely having time to twist his body enough to catch you as you fling yourself into his arms, colliding with his body and sending Quinn toppling onto his back. His arms wind around your waist, a hand working its way into your hair as he presses you close to him, a happy sigh leaving his lips.
"What the fuck?" He doesn't dare pull away from you. "I thought you-"
"Boss let me come early. And Jack picked me up from the airport."
"Thank fuck for Jack," he pulls back just enough to capture your lips with his, body relaxing at the contact.
That night, as you're all sitting around the living room, his phone buzzes with a text from Trevor. It's a video of you running to him and your kiss on the dock and a photo of you sitting in his lap, wrapped up together in front of the bonfire from later in the evening.
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I am not closely following the election results tonight, but I am occasionally seeing flashes of them out of the corner of my eye. The most obvious sign that things aren’t going well right now is the complete lack of celebrating on my dash. I know what tumblr looks like when it’s happy. Maybe I’ll go to bed tonight and see something different in the morning. I hope to god that is the case. But I’m thinking about the way I’m thinking right now, and I want to get some stuff down before the future kicks in.
In 2016 I was in a period of my life I affectionately refer to as as my fuckup era. I wasn’t even fucking up really. More just chilling out and falling short of the vague expectations I’d had about what I was supposed to be doing after I graduated college. While my friends from college rented apartments in the city and got jobs that didn’t supply you with a uniform shirt, I lived at home and worked as a barista at a fancy movie theater. That’s a real job you can do for almost five years. I didn’t have a clue what the back half of my twenties should look like. The only long term plan I had in my life was moving out west with my best friend, and my plan for finding a job once I was out there was basically to cross my fingers and hope.
Those days weren’t bad on the whole, but it felt like I was not actually living a life so much as I was goofing off in the waiting room. Sometimes that felt embarrassing, sometimes it felt fun, and sometimes it felt like I was completely pointless to the world.
On 2016’s Election Day, I went to bed early. After watching the votes come in, I needed the night to be over. I woke in a world that felt different than it had been the night before—not just in the actuality of who would be president but down to its foundations. I realized for the first time how much hope I’d had in human nature because now I didn’t feel it anymore. It’s almost silly when I think about it—so many horrible things had already happened that year, people had done horrible things as long as there have been people, and I didn’t think I was naive to that—but something clicked into place that morning.
It felt the same way my world had changed a year earlier, in 2015 during my last semester of college. My college victory lap felt like a prolonged downward spiral. Very early in the morning on a Monday, after pulling an all-nighter and overwhelmed by self-loathing that I could not just motivate myself to work on a paper that had been my only thought all weekend, I self-harmed for the first time in a way that was impossible to pretend it was anything else. Earlier that weekend, I’d tried staving off the urges drawing or writing on my arm, something that did (and does) usually work. I’d written this quote in silver sharpie on my forearm: “Good is not a thing you are. It's a thing you do.”
I picked that quote from the Ms. Marvel comics and liked the words so much, I thought that I wouldn’t be willing to purposefully mess it up by hurting myself there. Didn’t work. They just made me feel more ashamed of myself as I did it.
That was the worst I had ever felt. Then, on the Friday of that week, a friend of mine was senselessly, brutally murdered.
It doesn’t feel now like there was ever a time before her death. My memoir class is now where I wrote about her. My favorite professor is now the one who held me as I cried. My final thesis, the culmination of my history degree, never got finished and certainly never got polished. I turned it what I had and got an A minus. Sometimes I think of rereading that paper to see if that’s the grade it actually deserved. We hadn’t been the closest friends, but my name was still on the email admin sent to professors, listing students who might be emotionally affected by this tragic event. Grace’s murder hangs over every memory I have with her and everything she ever touched. It feels like its own type of obliteration to leave her reduced to her death.
Grace wanted to be a lawyer because she believed in justice and also liked arguing. She could be rude when she wasn’t interested in what you were saying. When you caught her attention, you felt like the most fascinating person in the room. She was so proud of being Jewish. I watched her become proud of being gay. She was so universally friendly that it took me a year to realize that she actually liked specifically me. She had a somewhat silly laugh and an astonishingly luminous smile.
I thought less of the world and the people in it because of how she died. Trump’s election in 2016 felt like that.
After he won, I left stasis. From November through December, I thought harder about my future than I ever had before. Who did I want to be? What did I most value? What did I think was worth protecting? What work wouldn’t kill me to do? At one point, in presumably a fit of madness, I thought, “what if I got into politics.” Epiphany eventually hit me. By the time of Trump’s inauguration, I was already enrolled at community college, getting my pre-reqs for nursing school.
Now it’s election night again, eight years later. I live on the west coast with my best friend, in a house that we bought together. I work as a nurse in a hospital in a city where there are homeless encampments off every highway and someone begging for change on every corner. Meanwhile, there’s Palestine. Meanwhile there’s Sudan. Meanwhile refugees drown in the sea and border patrol shoots jugs of water. Even hurricanes have human cruelty now.
I don’t think people are inherently good or the universe inherently kind. But I am very good at tricking myself into thinking it for a little while, and when I do, I can remember the a specific feeling from Friday of my senior year, from that morning in November— how fucking hard the disappointment hit me because I had expected people to be better than this. It makes me want to be better than that.
I believe, and hope that I always will, that we can make a better world. I don’t know what it looks like, but I think I will see it in my lifetime. Those of us who can believe such things owe a bit of that naïveté to the world—not to excuse atrocities or think them impossible but to believe that we can stop them at all. You have to have a couple people sprinkled around who are genuinely shocked when people do bad things. It’s not that the pessimists are wrong, but you need the occasional counterbalance. I want to be a reasonable cynic’s pleasant surprise.
Every shift, I interact with people at their lowest and worst. I see the direct pipeline from pain to anger to violence, and how fragile that pipeline can be. So many situations can be changed by things as small as a warm blanket or a kind word. Violence can be quite easy to avert. Crises can be quite simply to resolve. Even when I know that whatever I do that shift will not change the circumstances of a person’s life, I think that what I do that shift still matters.
I’m lying in bed, writing this post instead of looking at the news. I wonder how tonight will change me. Been thinking about what I’ll do if Trump wins. Been thinking about how whatever I think I need to do under Trump will still need to be done if Harris clutches out a victory. I guess this is a pessimist’s optimism: to a degree the election doesn’t matter. Good is not a thing you are. It is a thing you do. Our better world will always take a lot of work.
But please god please, why can’t it be just a little easier to do it?
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focal point ☆ chapter 1 | l.n
summary: being an art student is all fun and games until you need someone to be a model for your final project, which just so happens to be a portrait painting. especially when the only person who’s available is your best friend’s obnoxious roommate.
warnings: art student!reader, best friend/college student!oscar, college student!lando, slight enemies to lovers!au, slight grumpy x sunshine, lando is the definition of cocky, reader and lando bicker like an old married couple and oscar is so sick of their shit.
jordans notes: hello everyone, and welcome to chapter 1 of ‘focal point’! i hope you enjoy it as much as i enjoyed writing it! as always, sending you all my love xx
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“oscar, please,”
it was tuesday, the crisp fall air making you regret throwing on the thin sweater you had picked out this morning before your first lecture. wishing you had chosen the thicker one you had debated on throwing on beforehand. but it didn’t look as good with the pair of jeans you had picked out, and well, priorities.
oscar sighed, pressing the fob against the reader on the front door of his building. the same one you followed him to every tuesday and thursday afternoon after your shared class, a ritual that took place your second year. later on, you’d both hit the cafe on campus to study and do homework together, a nice little routine. the only routine that you really had in your otherwise chaotic, on campus life.
“i really wish i could, but i seriously can’t,” he said, holding the door open for you before you practically ran inside for warmth. winter was slowly approaching, and the cold settling in the air was its first sign of dominance.
“i’ll literally pay you.” you said, pressing the button for the third floor. the doors closed as oscar shook his head.
“i don’t want your money,” he let out a soft chuckle before the doors opened up to his floor, “like i said earlier, professor johnson is giving us projects and tests damn near every week. my econ professor just assigned us a group project that i have to get done in two weeks, on top of all of that, i have so much other work for my classes. i just seriously don’t have the time.”
the keys jingled into the lock to his on campus apartment, the door pushing open. you stepped inside the apartment that hadn’t changed much over the last 3 years you’ve known him. a very simple, boyish decor that was somehow still kept clean. you couldn’t recall a time where the apartment looked like it actually belonged to two college boys.
“but everyone else has said no already. you were my last hope,” you sighed, putting your bag down before flopping onto the couch.
“last hope for what? getting a guy to take you out? if so, that’s really, really sad.”
the british voice echoed through the room and instantly made you roll your eyes. lando norris, oscar’s incredibly obnoxious roommate. you had questioned oscar often on why he was friends with someone as annoying and so full of himself as lando, but whenever he was asked, oscar would simply just say ‘he’s not that bad’ and leave it at that.
however, you liked to disagree.
“what’re you doing here?”
“i live here,” he replied back, “shouldn’t i be asking you that question?”
“it’s tuesday,” you replied, and it looks could kill, he’d be dead in the kitchen instead of making whatever concoction you’re sure he’d try to convince you was good if you asked what it was.
“oh yeah, your little play date,” he said, mixing around the mystery contents in the bowl in his hand, “whatever it is, glad i’m out of it.”
“no one asked you to join us anyway.”
“it hasn’t even been five minutes,” oscar sighed, “both of you, just shut up.”
lando smirked at the expression on your face. one of complete dislike and pure hatred. you eyed him as he ate the granola and… is that an egg?
“i’m going to my room, you kids have fun with your... whatever it is you two do.”
you groaned once the brit was out of the room, “how do you live with him? genuinely asking.”
oscar shook his head, “maybe if you two tried to get along, you would see that he really isn’t that bad.”
“i think pigs would start flying if we ever got along.”
“a man can dream,” he sighed, “you ready? i’m in desperate need of caffeine, and maybe a cheese danish.”
“but i’m so comfortable right now,”
“i’ll buy your coffee if you get up.”
you grabbed your bag off the floor, springing up from the couch before making your way towards the front door, “okay, let’s go,”
“yeah, that’s what i thought.”
the sun had set by the time you made your way back to your own apartment. the warm shower you had took put your body at ease, relaxing your muscles after the long day that you had. you threw your towel into the laundry basket in the corner of the room as your phone lit up with a text message.
8889991034 heard you need help with a final project, and lucky for you, i have some free time on my hands 😌
you furrowed your eyebrows reading the text, typing back a response.
sorry, do i know you?
you don't have my number saved? honestly, not surprised, but damn.. i think we've hit a new low it's lando
yeah, absolutely NOT do me a favor, kiss my ass and lose my number 🙂
fine, i won’t help you then 🤷🏻♂️
first of all, jokes on you, i don't need your help. i've found someone else. second of all, don't act like you're trying to do me a solid. clearly there's something in it for you
you were lying. you hadn't found someone else, but the idea of having to spend time with lando was uninteresting in the slightest. you were almost positive that eating glass was more tempting then spending even just a minute with him.
i mean, yeah, the whole 'you scratch my back, i scratch yours' kinda thing look, i didn't want to go to oscar since he has enough on his plate, but i'm failing econ. i was hoping, since you're like a bookworm or whatever, you'd help tutor me if i helped you with your final project i mean, plus, who wouldn't want to paint this gorgeous face? 😏
you rolled your eyes, swiping from the text messages with lando before clicking on oscar's name on your screen. your fingers were moving a mile a minute, shaking your head as you pressed send.
sleep with one eye open, piastri.
your best friend was quick to read the message, sending back a reply that made you groan.
okay, but do you mind telling me what i did?
YOU GAVE LANDO MY NUMBER?!
uhm... 😅 coffee on me thursday?
i hate you.
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