#and my piss-poor circulation

[dynamo-of-fake-twin-brother-fame]

Perks of living in a camper / RV

Context: I'm making tea, using hot water to fill my electric kettle so it'll heat faster. It's so cold outside right now, and there are supposed to be wind chills down to 20°F tonight. I need to keep track of how much water I'm using, it's been so cold the past couple days that I had to disconnect the water hoses to prevent potential freezing, so I only have my fresh water tank and some gallon jugs as backups right now. I've been doing this for a couple years now, so I got this, I know how to handle cold temps. Freyskye (it's customary to name campers and RVs, especially when you're living in them full-time like I am) has this. And it's only for about a week. Plus, the office has two bathrooms with sinks and showers and toilets that still have running water, so if push comes to shove, I can get more water, and I can use those bathrooms to conserve my water for cooking or for heating water for tea. This water conservation is not the point of this post, just to provide background.

Me: Man, I sure am glad I can get hot water! It's so cold outside! Thank goodness I have my camper heat and my little space heater to keep me warm inside! I hope all my neighbors are okay in this weather. Really excited for this tea --

My water heater, admittedly pretty talkative since Freyskye's a small camper and I can hear everything: HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssss!

Me: What is it baby? What do you see? Why are you angry?

My water heater: *goes silent*

Me:

Me: *to myself* Don't be intimidated, Dynamo. She's made that noise before. She makes a lotta noises. She's just chatty. Freyskye and her little gizmos and wizzbangs are just checking in. We good. We... We're fine. You're just paranoid because of the temperature. You don't bat an eye when she makes that noise in summer.

Me: *to myself* Maybe still Google that anyway. Maybe text Mom and John. And just. Double check.

The water heater: hss.

Me: Oh, she's fine. She made that EXACT noise two months ago when it wasn't below freezing. She's fine, okay.

Freyskye: *creaks, just ever so subtly*

Me: OH, YOU'RE LAUGHING AT ME NOW! LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE-

[shalom-iamcominghome]

What am I baking? Oh, nothing much, just my chanukiah 💪💪🔥

[oifaaa]

Desperately need one of you "I'd prefer to live in a really cold place then a really hot place" bitches to come swap bodies with me it is only 11°C I have a hot water bottle a blanket and a jumper and I'm still freezing

[polyamoryprincess]

I genuinely don’t know what the point of ERs even are anymore. There’s one good ER employee I’ve met and it was my dad. Every experience I’ve had or have heard about has been awful :) what do you chucklefucks actually even do I’m so fucking angry.

[scottiexmariee]

Hi~ ok so I have a request for a LAD headcannon. One where u wanna learn a new dance trend thats lowkey pretty spicy and if the boys reject then u say ur gonna go ask someone else (preferably someone they know like Greyson. Jeremiah, Thomas, one of the twins). Thank u so so so much and take all the time in the world

LADS Boys vs. Spicy Tiktok Trend

Characters: Xavier x Reader | Zayne x Reader | Rafayel x Reader | Sylus x Reader

Summary: How the boys would react to you threatening to ask someone else to assist with a spicy TikTok trend

Warnings: NSFW. MINORS DNI. Suggestive Content, (Implied Smut), Potential Lumiere spoiler if you aren’t familiar with lore

Wordcount: 2.7k

Masterlist

Note: I had way too much fun with this prompt. This is my own interpretation, so I hope this is what you wanted <3

“Well? What do you think?” You asked, studying Xavier’s face as the video you were showing him looped for the third time. He was next to you on the couch, studying your phone as if it were a foreign object, unable to form a coherent thought about what you were showing him. 

There was a new couple’s dance trend circulating TikTok, and it was top priority to get Xavier on board with doing the trend. It was…a little provocative, to put it mildly. The dance started off innocent, but had a move at the end of it that included a little bit of grinding on your partner. You had absolutely zero intentions of posting it. Truthfully, you just saw an opportunity to rile Xavier up, and you were going to take it. 

By the time the video looped for the fifth time, you waved your hand in front of his face. “Hellooo? Anyone in there?” 

As if snapping out of a trance, Xavier finally blinked. Several times, actually, clearly trying to process whatever the hell you just made him watch. His eyes landed on you, and the poor guy looked like he had no idea where to start with his thoughts. 

“Uhhhhh….” 

“Let me guess,” You began, folding your arms indignantly, “you don’t want to do it,” 

Xavier averted his gaze, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “I…don’t know how I feel about recording that.” He finally said, finding a very interesting spot on the floor to stare at. 

You figured he’d say no. Unfortunately for him, you’d planned ahead. You already had your dialogue choices preselected, and now it was time to roll. 

“I’ll just ask Jeremiah, then,” 

Xavier’s eye twitched, but he recovered quickly. He gave your thigh a playful squeeze as he shook his head. “Good luck. He knows better,” His tone was light, but you knew he wasn’t joking. 

He was right. Jeremiah absolutely knew better. In fact, Jeremiah would likely have a panic attack if you even attempted to ask him to do something like that, simply out of fear of Xavier’s wrath. Jeremiah had once been subtly threatened over a completely innocuous conversation, and the deceptive softness in Xavier’s tone when he made the threat nearly had Jeremiah sputtering. (“You have nice teeth. It may be beneficial to find conversation elsewhere.”) Jeremiah didn’t look you in the eye for weeks after that. 

The Jeremiah line, as predicted, was ineffective. With a sigh, you decided to default to your ‘in case of emergency’ tactic. 

You stretched, trying to appear casual, doing your best to prevent a smirk from slipping. “I bet Lumiere would do the trend with me,” 

Any traces of amusement that had been present on Xavier’s face vanished in an instant. The tension in the air thickened as soon as the words left your mouth. Xavier’s eyes narrowed, his expression hardening as his eyes locked onto your faux innocent face. The message was clear: you did NOT just say that. 

Truthfully, you hadn’t meant to actually piss him off. However, the thought of Xavier essentially beefing with himself was too good to resist sometimes. You thought he’d gotten over this by now. 

“I’m not sure I heard you correctly,” He said, his tone deceptively calm. If looks could kill, you’d be dead on the floor. This was a warning. He was giving you a chance to backpedal. 

“I’m just saying,” You said, trying to ignore the way your pulse quickened with his mood shift. 

“You would prefer to do an indecent trend with Lumiere?” He questioned, his tone still eerily even, despite the clear annoyance in his eyes. You needed to be very careful with your next answer. 

“I would prefer to do the indecent trend with Xavier,” You teased, cupping his face in your hands and giving his head a gentle shake. He softened slightly at the contact. “We don’t even have to post it,” 

He rose from the couch, catching your wrist in the process and pulling you with him. 

“Xavier? Where are we going?” You asked, already knowing the answer. 

“To do the trend,” He responded, his tone much lighter than it was previously. “I’ll do it so Lumiere doesn’t get the chance,

Zayne stared at you with an expression that could only be described as unamused. You had made an attempt to show him the newest couple’s dance trend, quietly tossing in a comment about how you two would ‘look good doing that trend.’ Based on his complete lack of a reaction, you had your answer without him even needing to open his mouth. 

You pulled your phone away, cheeks burning with embarrassment. “It’s not that bad,” You said defensively. 

That was a blatant lie. If you tried to shake your ass as hard as the girl in the video you’d just shown him, you’d probably throw out a hip. You, however, were on a mission to spice up things with Zayne a bit, and the new trend was a perfect excuse to make an attempt. 

….it had sounded better in your head. 

“It’s aggressive,” He responded dryly. “I would recommend a psychiatric evaluation if I saw you doing that,”

If you weren’t desperate, his comment would have been hilarious. 

“Guess I’ll wait for the pink slip,” You retorted, leaning back in your chair. “because I’m doing that trend,” 

“It’s a couple’s trend,” Zayne responded, his expression deadpan. “Do you intend on doing it alone?” 

You pursed your lips, searching for an answer. An idea came to mind, and Zayne stiffened upon seeing the flash of mischief in your eyes. 

“I wonder if Greyson would try it with me,” You mused. You had no intentions of actually asking Greyson, you were simply just trying to press buttons now. 

Zayne's eyes narrowed, and it was the closest thing to a reaction you’d gotten out of him so far. He looked almost offended, and you actually started to feel bad. However, the guilt dissipated the second Zayne responded with his ‘professional’ voice. 

“That’s highly inappropriate and unprofessional,” He chided, his brows furrowing as he spoke. “and it would be rather unbecoming of my assistant to participate in something indecent with my significant other.” 

“Okay, I’m sorry. That was a bad joke,” You said, reaching for his hand. He allowed you to grab it, but it did nothing to quell the absolute bewilderment your comment had caused. 

“If you won’t actually do the trend with me, would you be willing to just practice?” You asked, purposefully lowering your voice to ‘bedroom’ tone. 

Zayne’s eyes widened almost imperceptibly. He was definitely listening. 

“I mean, you could consider that as an exercise, right?” You continued, rubbing the back of his hand with your thumb. “And exercise is good for you, right?” Your tone was borderline teasing now, but it seemed to actually be working. 

“It is,” He responded. “It increases blood flow, reduces the risk of heart disease, can increase dopamine levels—“

You squeezed his hand, giving him the flirtiest look you could muster. 

“Well, Doctor Zayne, could you help me increase my dopamine?” 

His resistance was crumbling quickly. Between that look on your face and the tone of your voice, it was getting harder and harder to deny you. 

Especially when he knew what your real intentions were. 

With a sigh, he softly grabbed your hand and rose from his spot at the table, his initial protests long forgotten. 

“Phone stays on the table,” He warned, just to be safe. 

As he lead you toward the couch, you couldn’t help but giggle. 

Your plan had completely derailed, but in a way, you were still getting what you wanted. 

As soon as you saw the newest couple’s dance trend circulating, you knew that you and Rafayel would absolutely OWN it. 

You could already picture how hot he’d look with some shirt buttons undone, chest *slightly* exposed, swinging his hips with yours in tune to the beat of that catchy song. You two were going to absolutely devour this trend. 

….Well, that was the plan, anyway. 

He was willing to hear you out until he saw examples. By the third video, his ears were very pink, and he was staring at your phone like it had personally offended him. The amused smile he’d sat down with was no longer in the vicinity. 

When he finally found his voice, the protesting was immediate. “Nope. Nuh-uh. Not happening,” He said, shaking his head vigorously and shoving your phone away from him. He wiped his fingers on his pants as if he’d touched something dirty. He then rose from his seat, very obviously about to attempt a swift exit. 

“Raf, please!” You begged, nearly tripping over your chair as you followed after him. You caught his sleeve, tugging him back toward you. He didn’t budge. “We’d look so good. I’ll literally start begging,”

He shook his head vehemently. “I don’t even want to imagine the headlines that would cause. Nooo way, (y/n),” 

“When have you ever cared about what the headlines say?” You protested, giving his sleeve another tug. “Please! It’s just one video! I’ll never ask you to do a trend again!”

“I’ll agree to this when I see sharks driving cars,” He responded, skillfully escaping your desperate grip on his sleeve. He began heading toward the kitchen in an attempt to put as much distance between himself and this conversation as possible. 

Fine. Let’s see how he likes this.  

You retrieved your phone from the table and began typing a phone number. Rafayel paused and looked over his shoulder at the sound of your nails tapping against the screen. 

He fully turned around when you hit the ‘call’ button and raised your phone to your ear. 

“…who are you calling?” He asked, already heading back toward you, eyes narrowed in suspicion. 

“Thomas,” You replied casually. “If you won’t do it with me, then—“ 

Your phone was confiscated before you could even finish your sentence. Rafayel held your phone above his head, his other hand pressed against your forehead, effectively keeping you an arm’s length away.  Rafayel quickly ended the call before Thomas could pick up as you began to protest. 

“Oh come on!” You cried out, arms flailing as you tried to retrieve your phone from Rafayel’s air jail. 

“Apologize or I’ll swallow it,” He threatened, holding your phone higher above his head. “You can’t call other men or be influenced by dance videos if I eat your phone,”

You stared at him, beyond incredulous. While Rafayel did have a flair for the dramatic, the look on his face alone made you hesitant to call his bluff. 

“You’d rather swallow my phone than do a 10 second trend with me?” 

“You were calling Thomas! What does he have that I don’t?” 

You folded your arms, glaring daggers at the man holding your phone hostage. “I only called Thomas because you refused.”

Rafayel scoffed, his expression nothing short of indignant. “Oh, so you’re just a traitor then? Gooot it. And to think I shared my smoothie with you earlier,” 

“If you don’t like me anymore, just say that,” 

Rafayel’s mouth dropped open upon hearing you use one of his ‘drama queen’ lines against him. He could not believe you had the nerve to use his own words for your own petty gratification. “You—“ 

He sighed, releasing your forehead from his palm. Your phone, however, was still in air jail. 

Rafayel was silent for several moments, and you could almost physically see the gears in his brain working overtime. 

“What if we compromise?” He finally asked, eyes landing directly on your face. 

“Compromise?” 

“I’ll do the trend with you. But you aren’t allowed to post it. Nuh-uh. It’s for our eyes only.” He finally lowered your phone from above his head, keeping it just out of reach as he continued speaking, “and if you post it anyway I will literally put a curse on you.”

You paused, your eyes flitting between Rafayel’s face and the phone that was still firmly in his hand. You considered your options, and after a small internal debate, you decided that this was as good as it was going to get. 

“Okay,” You affirmed, holding out your hand for your phone. “Deal.” 

He smiled, finally handing your phone. 

As the two of you began to walk to the closet to find a change of clothes for the video, Rafayel spun to face you. 

“Also,” He began, “You know how you said you’d never ask me to do a trend again?” 

“Yes?” 

“I’m holding you to that,” 

The day had dragged on. Sylus had spent most of the day holed up in his armory, and the twins were out doing who knows what. Mephisto wasn’t great company either, and his beady little eyes got uncomfortable after a while. You were absolutely consumed by boredom, which lead to you scrolling on TikTok for far too long. 

Right as you were finally about to throw your phone out of pure frustration, your algorithm came in clutch and graced you with a video from this week’s newest dance trend, a suggestive little couple’s dance. You bit your bottom lip, already feeling flushed at the thought of Sylus with his hands all over you like that. 

It was sexy. It was flashy. And it was absolutely the cure for your boredom. 

Your feet were moving before you’d put any thought into it, carrying you straight to the armory. 

You all but crashed through the door. 

“Sylus~” You chirped, zeroing in on him with a shit-eating grin on your face. 

He looked up at you, eyes softening at your expression. 

“Well, don’t you just look delighted,” He drawled, patting his lap for you to have a seat.  “What’s the occasion?” 

As you climbed into his lap, you pulled up the video you’d added to your favorites and held it out for him to watch. He did so without questioning it, but you could see the subtle expression change as he tried to process what he was seeing. 

When the video ended, he returned his gaze to you, raising an eyebrow but saying nothing. 

“Well?” You poked his cheek, searching for any hint of his thoughts in his expression. 

“That was….modest,” He said, his voice laced with a level dry sarcasm that only Sylus was capable of. 

“Will you do it with me?” You asked, getting straight to the point. 

Sylus chuckled, the sound deep, rich, and like music to your ears. As quickly as your hopes rose, they were quickly squashed by his next statement. 

“While I’m flattered that you think I’d be a good candidate for…that,” He began, gesturing toward your phone, “I’m going to have to decline, sweetie.” 

Short, sweet, and to the point. 

“Ugghhh, but I’m so bored!” You whined, tossing your head back in exasperation. 

Sylus watched your mini-tantrum fondly, desperately fighting off a smirk. “If you’re bored, you could always hang out with me in here,” 

You glanced around the room. It was clear that he’d been down here messing with several different weapons, and by the looks of things, he was nowhere near done. 

You loved spending time with Sylus. On any other day, you would have jumped on the offer, just to be near him. Today, however, your boredom had reached its climax and you were certain you would combust if you sat down here and watched him meddle with various weapons. 

With a defeated sigh, you removed yourself from his lap and began sulking toward the door. “I guess I’ll just go find the twins,” 

Truthfully, you hadn’t meant for it to come out that way. You definitely weren’t going to bother them with the trend, but that was definitely how Sylus took it. You heard the distinct sound of a weapon being set down onto the table. 

“No need,” He said gruffly, abandoning his task and rising to his full height. You turned and quirked an eyebrow, not understanding the sudden change of heart. 

He closed the distance between the two of you, looping an arm around your shoulders as he passed. 

“That…’trend’ gave me a better idea for a boredom cure,” He said, leading you out of the armory. 

“Oh? Tell me!” You chirped excitedly. 

Sylus shook his head. “It’s more of a show than a tell,” 

While you didn’t get to do the spicy TikTok trend, Sylus had cured your boredom in a different spicy way. 

You were reeeally thankful for that trend. 

Thank you for interacting <3

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[dark-tides-in-faerun]

I have poor blood circulation and on cold nights look like a stereotypical vampire. Could you write a humorous, SFW fic of someone seeing Tav's bite marks and pale complexion and telling Astarion to keep his bloodsucking friend on a tight leash? (Tav can be GN or female, either work for me).

Thank you so much for requesting ilysm! So I realized that I’ve never written anyone in a fit of laughter before (possibly for a reason LOL) but here’s my best attempt 🧡

The Vampire in the Tavern

sfw Astarion x you story!

Astarion is angry.

He’d finally managed to get you to himself, a night at last without the others vying for your attention, and some peasant woman keeps looking over at you from the bar, dark eyes sliding up your body in a way that he knows all too well.

It’s possessive. It’s proprietary. And it’s pissing him off. 

It had started as just mildly irritating, a glance here and there. But she’d been at it for at least an hour now, and not only does that wretch have no right to eye up his partner, but the implication that she finds you more appealing than she does him is vexing. Extremely vexing. And it doesn’t seem to matter how many times Astarion touches you. How many times his fingers lightly graze the line of your jaw or brush against your hand, that godsforsaken woman won’t stop staring.

And you’ve not noticed, of course. For a formidable warrior and your party’s fearless leader, your lack of awareness of your surroundings is astounding, especially where Astarion is concerned. It’s a trait that exasperates and exhilarates him in equal measure. He could do without it on the battlefield, but in a social setting, he delights in it. The way that just catching your eye can cause words to die on your lips, whatever conversation you’d been in briefly forgotten with just a little glance from him. He slips his hand a little higher up your thigh just to prove it to himself, and when your breath catches in response, he smiles.

If only that bloody woman would stop staring, this had the beginnings of a very promising night indeed.

You clear your throat, cheeks flushed and put both hands on the table, pushing yourself to your feet. Astarion frowns but you shoot him an apologetic smile that’s meant to reassure and it does, sinking through his skin and warming his unbeating heart. It’s adorable.

“I’ll be right back. Nature calls.” You say, by way of explanation, and though you’re trying to keep your voice steady, he can hear your desire, thick and sweet as it sticks in your throat. Delicious.

“I’ll be waiting, my sweet.” He lets the words fall from his lips in a way that’s sultry and intentional, staring up at you from beneath dark eyelashes, and you actually shiver. Astarion grins, delighted with himself, as you flush and turn away. His eyes dart back to the woman, and his grin dies on his lips, mood immediately souring again as her beady little eyes fix on you as you make your way to the bathroom.

The absolute fucking audacity.

You see the cords in her throat working as she swallows, biting her lip, and the she does something even more audacious than simply looking at you. As soon as the latrine door swings shut behind you, she rises to her feet and starts to walk over to the table.

Astarion glares up at her, not bothering to hide his irritation, as she comes to a halt at the edge of the booth. She looks uneasy, calloused fingers pulling at the threads of her road worn shirt, and Astarion swears that if she so much as asks for your name he’s going to rip her throat out where she stands, witnesses be damned.

She hovers for a moment, not speaking, and that serves to only annoy him more.

“Yes?” his voice is tight and cold, and she flinches at the harshness. Good.

“I-I’m sorry to interrupt you sir, but…” She trails off into silence and he grinds his teeth.

“Yes, well how sorry can you truly be, given that you have interrupted me.” He snaps and Astarion frowns as he realises that she’s actually shivering. What in the nine hells. He knows that you’re good looking, but this is a bit much. “Come on then, spit it out. I haven’t got all night.”

“I… I’m sorry, but I couldn’t just – I couldn’t in good conscience sit by.” She says and he raises an eyebrow and takes a sip of his drink. A strange way to approach the topic of wanting to snatch his date from him, but at least it was a start. “Sir, you’re in grave danger.”

He splutters, spitting wine over the table in a most undignified way as she stares back at him, wide eyed and fearful.

“I’m sorry, what?” He manages, when he stops choking long enough to speak. His voice is too loud, and the people at the next table look over, but it’s like he’s lost control of his faculties. This is not how this conversation was meant to go.

“It’s true, sir, and there’s not much time. You must leave, now.”

“And might I ask why?” he asks, incredulously, and then immediately recoils in disgust as the woman shoots a fearful glance in the direction of the latrines and slips into the booth beside him.

“That… thing that you’re with.” She whispers, and he has to fight the physical urge to push her away as she grabs his hand between hers. “It’s not a person. It’s a vampire.”

His mouth drops open, but he doesn’t respond. He can’t. The ridiculousness of this situation has actually rendered him speechless. She wasn’t staring at because she fancied you, she was staring because, because-

An uncontrollable feeling rises in his chest.

“You’re not serious.” He gasps, and his voice doesn’t even sound like him.

“Please sir, I’ve seen their kind before and it’s unmistakable. The pallor of the skin, the coldness of the touch.” She’s actually shaking now and it’s too much. He can smell the fear on her, the dampness of her palms as they press against his, the pounding of her blood as it courses through her veins. “They stalk these taverns looking for people to drain dry in alleyways, and that one has its sights set on you, I know it. You have to leave, now!”

He tries not to, he really does.

But he can’t help it.

He fucking cackles in her face.

“Fnnff.” He gasps, grabbing his hand away and covering his mouth, to try and stop the uncontrollable passage of the hysteria that’s flooding from his lips. “Excuse – snnf- e-excuse me.”

“This ain’t no laughing matter, that’s a vampire, in there, I’m sure of it.” The woman cries, wringing her hands, and she looks so earnest that he simply can’t.

“Hah!” He chokes, barely able to draw breath before the next giggle explodes out of him and the woman, for her part, looks appalled.

“I mean it, sir, you’re in danger.” She says, the first hint of annoyance seeping into her voice, and that just sets him off again. He crumples over on the table, hands digging into the wood so hard it buckles beneath his fingers. He almost feels sorry for every time he’s every used Tasha’s hideous laughter on someone, because this is bloody awful. His stomach hurts, tears are leaking from his eyes, but he still can’t stop. Of all the fucking accusations.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the door to the latrines swing open and you step back into the tavern. He turns to get a good look at you. To see the fearsome night stalker in the flesh, the unholy fiend that has this poor woman so terrified, and when he meets your eyes the expression in them is equal parts bemused and concerned and he fucking wheezes.

You, a vampire.

The woman spots you too, and she stumbles to her feet eyes wide and bright with fear. Astarion throws his head back and lets out a guffaw of laughter so loud and embarrassing that it’s almost enough to sober him, but unfortunately, it’s made you, the object of this woman’s abject terror, jump.

He can’t cope.

“Is everything okay?” Your voice is amused, but a little concerned and Astarion can barely nod as he clutches his stomach. He sees the woman’s eyes slide to your throat and the marks of his bite shine accusatorily back at her in the tavern light.

“Vampire.” She breathes, pointing at you, almost falling over herself as she backs away from them and Astarion collapses onto his side, tears streaming down his face as the woman shoots him one final, terrified look and then turns on her heels and flees into the night.

You stare after her, thoroughly confused now and Astarion is barely able to contain himself enough to move over to let you sit down.

“What in the hells was that about?” You ask, as you slip into the recently vacated spot and Astarion swallows down a giggle, barely able to breathe as he grins at you. It would appear his laughter is somewhat infectious, as you let out a little laugh of your own and touch his face with a bemused frown. And it’s only then that Astarion realizes just how much attention his little display has brought to you both. The people of the tavern are all staring at them and it’s not a friendly look. No doubt they heard the word ‘vampire’ and that, finally, is sobering enough for him to get himself under some semblance of self-control.

“That is a story not for here, my blood sucking friend.” He gasps, stifling another giggle as the look on your face is almost enough to set him off again. He nudges you gently out of the booth and grabs your hand, pulling you towards the tavern doors. “But don’t worry, if I manage to survive the journey in your company, I’ll tell you all about it when we get back to camp.”

[sitepathos]

https://www.tumblr.com/sitepathos/771441759147507712/imagine-the-angst-if-bruce-does-end-up-finding-a?source=share

In that post you said jason would have raised reader if he wasnt so blind now my question would he have done that actually or would he just be a good brother also what if reader ended up in the same situation as in the start of the series but jason saved reader

He’d basically assume Dick’s title as #1 Big Brother with you, always texting you, asking how your day was, and even making it a point to stop by your work, clad in his Red Hood gear (which actually led to an increase in business when rumors began circulating that Red Hood likes retro games).

He’s pissed beyond words when he realizes that you’ve been neglected ever since day one of moving into Gotham, offering to rip Bruce and the others several new ones on your behalf, but you convince him it’s not worth it and him and Alfred are more than enough for you. He’s happy to hear that you hold him in such high regard (something that means a lot to him since majority of Gotham worship at the Alter of the Bat), but he does go hard on them during sparing sessions to get back at them.

He loves spending time with you, the two of you staying in one of his various safe houses, teaching the other about your interests; you show him your game and go off on tangents on your favorite games and he nerds out about Jane Austin and shows you how to handle firearms, gifting you a custom-made pistol to reward you for completing his firearm safety test.

Jason will also help you with school and you were shocked to find out that despite him being built like a brick shithouse, he loved school after being adopted by Bruce and had As and Bs. He’ll help you study for your tests and when you pass them, he’ll take you out to dinner to celebrate.

And if this scenario took place when Damian first moved in, he would’ve defended you from his sword. The moment he saw the little brat reach for his sword, he instantly knew what was about to happen and dashed out in front of you, shielding you with his body and shoving Damian away. Bruce and Dick chastise him for shoving Damian, but he glares at them, his eyes Lazarus Green, and carries you out of the room, wanting to put as much distance between you and the demon spawn.

And the night you were kidnapped by the three thugs? You gave them Jason’s number when the leader demanded someone to call and arrange for a ransom. When he found out he was speaking to your kidnapper, that night with Joker flashes before his eyes and all the fear, pain, and despair he felt that night came flooding him all at once. He keeps them on the line as he traces the call and races to the cabin. Once he arrives, he uses his helmet to see through the cabin’s walls and due to the poor condition of the wood it’s made of, he manages to put a bullet in each of their heads through the walls. He rushes into the cabin and casts his helmet aside, wanting to see if you’re hurt with his own eyes and when your eyes met his, you notice they’re the greenest they’ve ever been.

He takes you to the safe house you’d come to know and love, telling you that you wouldn’t be going back to the manor since Bruce isn’t able to pull his head out of his ass and give you the care you need. Alfred is sad to see you leave, but is glad Jason will be the one to take care of you, so he helps pack all your stuff and often sends food in the mail. After you move in, Jason tears into Bruce, saying he’s a failure of a father and that he never should’ve been allowed to reproduce.

The night you graduate, you can hear him cheering you on as you receive your diploma, even with the rest of the audience giving you a round of curtesy applause. When you meet up with him and Alfred, he gives you a giant bear hug, swinging you around and saying he’s so proud of you.

When you tell him you want to move back to your old house in Goodsprings, he’s sad, of course, but he understands that desire to go back to more familiar surroundings. He goes with you to Nevada to make sure you get there safely and helps clean it up and make it livable, even going as far as to buy you all new furniture and appliances (using Bruce’s credit card, of course). You turn your old room into a guest room that’s always ready for him and he makes it a point to stay over once a month.

When your game finally releases, you give him the first copy and even dedicate it to him, bringing a tear to his eye. While he’s not the biggest gamer out there, he becomes your biggest fan and praises your work online.

And should you ever meet a man that you wish to date, he ensures that before your dates leaves with you, the last thing he sees is Jason cleaning his extensive collection of guns.

[loving-n0t-heyting]

Worst part about dumbfuck pissing-on-the-poor callouts about how im a kkk apologist or think islam is a death cult or believe its ok to molest children are the ppl circulating them who seemingly can in fact tell thats not what i fucking said but are sufficiently put off by my abrasive writing style and caught up in the feeble little passing hate wave that they write off the fact i did not actually say the thing they are objecting too as a sort of minor detail of my obviously overall problematic persona. This is less offensive for the (quite meagre) effect this intellectual cowardice has on me personally than for the insight it gives into the wider phenomenon of hate mob groupthink

"Well you technically didnt say the thing but ppl hallucinated this in the course of reading you, which is close enough." Reality is actually different from appearances, not a good look that parmenides of elea is leaps and bounds ahead of you here in intellectual devt

[warping-realities]

Rebranding

Monica was pissed off as she stared at Vincent. Although she was still a beautiful woman, her face was irrevocably altered by the presence of an ocular prosthesis. That motionless eye further increased the young man's anxiety. He knew he had screwed up and the reason for her irritation was that her needed solve that mess.

"How can you be so reckless Vincent? Be glad I paid your bail and put a coat over your body. But the repercussions... Don't you realize this could end your entire career?"

"I know, but that bitch..."

"You're not going to say that word again, it's enough to have it on video and circulating all over the gossip shows!"

"Sorry, that... woman..."

"Valery, your girlfriend."

"Ex-girlfriend, or do you think I would stay with her after she cheated on me!"

"Understandable you broke up, but threatening her, calling her all those names, in front of a bunch of paparazzi? Half naked, no less! What were you thinking?"

"Is what I ask, what was I thinking when I decided to date a brainless bimbo with fake blonde hair?"

"Very careful what you say, after all, that's not the image you want to sell Vincent."

"Ah, I'm sorry." He answers while looking at his agent's long blonde hair.

"Apology accepted, my dear. Also because we have bigger fish to catch. Tell me, what do I do with you?"

"I didn't understand your question."

"But I was so clear that even a brainless bimbo would understand."

"Look, I already apologized for the way I acted..."

"It turns out that in our midst just apologizing is not enough. We have an image to protect and sell. As you yourself said, the image that Valery conveys fits perfectly with betrayals and gossip sites. But not you, at least not until this week's attack. Frankly, I never understood what she saw in you. Okay, you're a well-known influencer, but you're nothing more than a nerd. While she's much more, she has more followers than you and I bet she soon will be considered a fashion icon."

"If you called me here just to offend me, I'm leaving." He said getting up.

"Sit down and be quiet." And inexplicably he found himself compelled to do so.

"Hmmm, hmmm"

"Much better, no? I should have realized your type much earlier, the nice guy who makes humorous videos, everyone's friend, protesting in favor of minorities... but who, deep down, is just a sexist and misogynist like so many others. You're much worse than a brainless jock, you know why Vincent? Because they don't hide who they are, women can smell the toxic masculinity they exude from miles away. But you, our allies... what a joke. .. allies like you I don't need. You come with your soft words and your sensitive hearts and women like us fall for you. We only notice all the microaggressions, the attacks on our self-esteem when it's gone too far, when that happens." She said pointing to the eye prosthesis.

"I had a heart-to-heart with Valery this morning. And I found out that on top of all that, you're a lousy performer in bed. Hence her little betrayals with her gym mates. Poor girl, always choosing wrong, but at least the last guy had an enviable body and a even more enviable…tool, perhaps the reason for you little tantrum. In your defense she swore to me that you never lifted a hand against her. So my dear I have decided that I am not going to abandon you and Valery has agreed not to press charges. But for everyone to be happy after the mess you made, both of you will have to agree to improve your images. And for that you will participate in a reality show! Fun, isn't it?" She finished with a smirk. Vincent's startled look showed that he was finding this not fun at all.”

"Now, Valery is perfect for the reality show in question, as for you... we have a few months until the launch of the next season, which I really appreciate as we need to let the situation calm down to rework your image and make a total rebranding. Get up and take off your clothes except for your underwear, I don't need to hurt my only eye with that image."

Vincent again found himself compelled to comply and robotically carried out his manager's orders.

"It really isn't good material! But let's change that, how about a few years less studying foreign languages and more time taking care of your body at the gym, Vincent?"

Suddenly all knowledge of Spanish and French evaporated from his mind. Followed by a strange feeling in the body, starting in the feet, which stretched from a number 8 to a number 11. Then the calves, a joke among his friends, widened and showed greater definition, as well as the thighs, which increased to the point of making him move one leg away from the other, with a contribution from his penis, going from a size 5' to 7'. Then the abdomen, starting to present the shadow of a six pack, with defined pectorals to accompany it, and finally the thin arms that gained the size and definition of someone who was used to doing biceps curls in the gym. As soon as it started the feeling passed.

"Much better, flex those muscles for me, Vincent." And so he did, screaming in horror in his own head, but utterly speechless on the outside.

"I think we still have room for improvement" said Monica distractedly. And Vincent exerting all his willpower finally got a free moment, rushing to the table and trying to grab anything he could use against her.

"Stop immediately! A rolled up piece of paper? Really, Vincent? I figured with all your vaunted intellect you'd think of something better." She mocked the paralyzed man.

"Apparently that intellect isn't that great. So how about we trade twenty I.Q points for another twenty pounds of lean body mass, a few extra inches on your height, on that useless dick of yours, and on those feet, for some reason some women go crazy with that!”

Vincent was invaded by that feeling of strangeness in his body, this time accompanied by a sensation of sucking inside his own mind, which prevented him from even thinking. His feet reached a gigantic size 14, emitting a pungent odor, his calves grew until it took on the shape of diamonds, and thighs grew to the size of tree trunks, his penis -little Vinnie, the name spontaneously arising- reached an impressive 9 inches in length, along with the approximate circumference of a beer can. That hint of a six pack evolves into a defined eight pack and the pecs in two slabs of meat, completing the sculpt he developed broad shoulders and huge, vascularized arms.

"Almost there! Body's perfect and intellect down to just the right level. But something's missing. How about we trade your obsession with pop culture for an obsession with yourself? A few tattoos, and what were you saying about fake blonde hair? Let's make sure the outside represents the inside well, my dear, and the main thing is that every woman who lays eyes on you knows the type of man she will be dealing with.

…

The two girls sitting on the sand tried to focus from a distance who was the man who was approaching on the edge of the sea.

"Is he mine or yours, Val?"

"I think it's yours, Brit, from this distance I can't be sure but he doesn't resemble any of mine... except... it's not possible!"

"What, Val?" Asked the other anxiously.

"Wait and see, Britt! But I can guarantee you this is going to blow some heads!" Answered Valery seeing the young man approaching.

"Hello Ladies!" Said the man, exhaling an air of douchness.

"Vincent Parker?" Britt asked in disbelief as Valery just smiled.

"No formalities girls. You can call me Vinnie!"

[xdemonicheartx]

One of my ocs!

This is "83" his chosen name is James (but he doesn’t like being called Jim)

Some info on him under the cut:

* Chosen name: James (doesn’t like being called Jim)

* Male Human/Suchomimus Chimera

* He/him/they/them

* One of several successful splicing experiments

* Age: 52

* Sexuality: Pan (leans toward men tho)

* PHD in microbiology and veterinary medicine

"an unfortunate creation with a body that is too demanding for the limitations it has"

* Chronically underweight (mouth is too small for the body, cant take in enough calories to sustain himself unless its liquified) he's roughly 1000lbs or so

* Traces of Pangolin DNA and Clownfish DNA in his system can be found!

* Black sclerae and powerful night vision (blue violet colorblindness)

* Approx 7'9" tall on all fours, when standing on haunches he reaches 11'10"

* Poor circulation, cold all the time. His body had been modified to be endothermic instead of exothermic as a dinosaur chimera but it was only partially successful, and his huge as fuck size makes it hard to regulate temperature anyway

Character traits and design traits

* Dark hair and dark Suchomimus body with scarred and pale human skin, eyes are orange

* Scars from accidents, surgeries, tests, and burns. Burns sustained from the fire that burned down the facility he lived and worked in

* Sharp teeth!

* Massive softie, tries his best to be careful around humans and smaller chimeras

* Seafood lover (Sucomimus were big fish eaters and wetland dwellers)

* Owns a heated mattress (king sized for his massive ass)

* Hoards heated blankets

* PTSD haver thanks to the System Raid that demolished the facility that he was created in

* Allergic to Tumeric of all things lmaoo, it actually pisses him off sometimes

* Sometimes he lets Eris (they/it/she) paint his claws

Bonds: Eris, 76, Dr Agora (name subject to change, I've been workshopping it for a while), Haren (Sorta... they’re a suspicious character in his opinion, name also subject to change)

[letitrainathousandflames]

That "Disney copyrighting Norse gods" post is misinformation that has been debunked since it first started circulating three years ago and was prompted by redbubble overzealously removing things of their own accord and not at Disney's request. There's an article about it in the reblogs if you sort by "comments only". This is the same reason your "stah wah" mug got removed the first time. Disney does own the copyright for MCU Loki. They have never tried to copyright Norse mythology.

Wait wait wait. Redbubble did that on its own?? Disney had nothing to do with my poor Stah Wah mug being removed?? Holy shit????

Thanks for the context. I'm even more pissed at redbubble now.

[notquiteaghost]

DID make myself practice balancing on one foot n discovered v quickly that, while i have accidentally drilled balancing on my right foot cuz it's always my left ankle that throws a hissy fit, the ease at which i balance on my right foot absolutely IS from practice. and i am nowhere near as steady on my left.

i'm good at enough at skating now that the only thing i need to consciously think about is not slamming into other people which unfortunately means i keep resolving to actually drill the shit im not good at and then week after week i just end up going ":) circles"

[ramayantika]

Feel like crying and called mummy to ask if she got my whitw kurti and red dupatta for my odissi exam. I am scared about the end sem now. I have studied but somehow I feel it isn't enough but I have a headache coming up and I can't read any more. 80% of 75 is 60 for scoring. I think I can do well but I am still shit scared because what if I don't and suddenly there are these flashbacks from my drop year in 2022. I never truly feel good about my preparation. I have to go to cuttack for dance exam tomorrow and low key stressing about the travel part because hostel time restrictions and the countless formalities to put myself through just to go to a different city, give the exam and come back. Am I even good enough to do all this? I remember taal and blood circulation through the heart and to the heart, but what if I do shit on the exam. Obviously I won't fail but I don't want to perform very poor. Fuck this never really ends and I will just sleep once again instead of crying because that will get me a headache and i am partly glad that my mother isn't here because she would be pissed off at my condition here during exam season. So yeah I will just sleep. Bye

[rozaceous]

“I’ll keep you warm.” - with maybe Mariko 👀

you didn't give me a pairing, anon! too much power is in my hands!

heh

Mariko looks at her miserable little ninken who'd let out the whine, looks at the snow on the ground.

"You should maybe do something about that, Mariko-chan," Shishou calls back to her, already running ahead cheerfully. But he does everything cheerfully just to piss her off, she's pretty sure, and if they're training that goes double.

"Yeah, yeah," she grumbles, picking him up, one arm under his front legs and the other under his butt so that he faces outwards, and then she starts circulating chakra for him. Temperature regulation, it seems, is still mostly beyond him. "Silly puppy, I'll keep you warm, but you should have said something before if it was too much. Your poor paws."

[hellsite-folklore-archivist]

WIP

History

(Link to new post)

Folklore

Basically subcategories of posts that share a specific theme.

Reblog Escalation: Series of reblogs where different people commit to the same bit, but in escalating absurdity.

"Are fedoras really that bad?" / The hat long post

(Reservation: the phone/book post)

(Reservation: the dress from shirt post)

Dream Obama: Raw, intense lines spoken by Barrack Obama in people's dreams and shitposts.

The next life is simply another place we’ve never been before, and we’re all going to go explore it together.

To become god is the loneliest achievement of them all

Violence for violence is the rule of beasts

Humans are Space Orcs** + Earth is Space Australia**: Posts showcasing the quirks of human anatomy and psychology, and earth's unique geography and biology as something that extraterrestrial beings should fear or respect.

Stabby the Roomba

Shakespearian Renditions: That short trend where long posts / conversations between users where rewritten to mimic Shakespeare's style

(Reservation)

Folktales

Tales - fictional and non-fictional - that have circulated around the site for years and left an impact on overall site culture.

The Basement Micro Story Tweets

The City God Pigeon / I am neon at night, the rain in the light

Connecticut Clark

Dream: Fish with Human Teeth

Dream Comic: The Magazine

Dream Comic: The Venomous Snake

Down with the cis bus

The Existential Mushroom Post / You cannot kill me in any way that matters / Decay is an extant form of life

The Frog and the Scorpion

The Frozen Ones

Gnome Fight

The God of Arepo

It's Over, Be Still / The New Year Saga

Lexicon

Words and phrases that have wormed its way into my day-to-day vocabulary.

Blorbo from my shows

Do we think that maybe a vegetable would cause less despair

Down with the cis bus

The Existential Mushroom Post / You cannot kill me in any way that matters / Decay is an extant form of life

Hold my flower / Kick his ass babe I got yo flower

How dare you say we piss on the poor

I am the library of Alexandria that never burns

i lik the bred / Cow licking bread poem format

Me, an intellectual

Modern Litanies

Moon moon

No take only throw

None pizza with left beef

Remember that you can't save everyone - Remember that you have to try

Spiders Georg

Very beautiful, very powerful

Very very slow tigers are chasing me

Poetry

Atoms never touch / The song expands to hold us both

i lik the bred

Something Wicked This Way Rides / Cowboy Witch

Subway Rat

The Tiger by Nael, age 6

[days-since-radioduo]

hi. owner @comfycalamity here. so if it wasnt clear this account is coming to a close. my time here meant a lot to me at times but i felt distant from it for awhile and now its clearly over

support victims always. dont give into piss poor apologies. hold abusers accountable. care about supporting victims first and foremost. take care of yourselves as well.

i cannot emphasize enough in how i condemn wilbur entirely. truly, fuck the guy. but more importantly- support shelby first. focus should be on supporting shubble and acknowledging the enormous amount of courage calling out your abuser so publically takes. give her the love she deserves

ive reblogged a post with dv/abuse resources ive seen circulating at this time. im glad to see shubble healing. if this resonates, you deserve that too.

much love. goodbye <3