#and my choices dont make things easier
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The Six the musical 2022 covers - alternates, swings, rehearsal swings and emergency covers
A post that has been in the making for seven months or three years if you count everything that has carried over from the first version. And note: (almost) everyone is listed with the first company they covered in.
West End
Rachel Rawlinson: Swing, West End, joined November 2021 covering all six queens.
Esme Rothero: Swing, West End, joined November 2021 covering all six queens.
Paisley Billings: Alternate, West End; Joined November 2021 as alternate Aragon/Cleves, left October 2022.
Danielle Rose: Alternate, West End; Joined November 2021 as alternate Boleyn/Howard.
Roxanne Couch: Alternate, West End; Joined November 2021 as alternate Seymour/Parr, Became principal Parr in October 2022.
Courtney Bowman: Principal Boleyn, West End; joined October 2019, left November 2021. Emergency cover West End; returned March 2022 for one show.
Casey Al-Shaqsy: Principal Seymour, UK tour; joined March 2022. Emergency cover, West End; joined the cast for three shows in June 2022.
Monique Ashe-Palmer: Alternate, West End; Joined October 2022 as alternate Aragon/Cleves.
Leah Vassell: Alternate, West End; Joined October 2022 as alternate Seymour/Parr.
UK tour
Cassandra Lee: Alternate, UK tour; alternate Aragon/Cleves, left March 2022.
Jennifer Caldwell: Alternate, UK tour; alternate Boleyn/Howard; became principal Boleyn in March 2022. Swing, West End; joined the cast temporarily in January 2020. Emergency cover, West End; joined the cast as Boleyn for three shows in June 2022.
Harriet Watson: Alternate, UK tour; alternate Seymour/Parr, left March 2022. Standby, UK productions; came back as standby alternate for both WE and UKT throughout 2022.
Natalie Pilkington: Alternate, Norwegian Bliss 1.0; alternate Aragon/Cleves/Parr, also covered Seymour. Swing, alternate, UK tour, joined June 2021 as swing, became alternate Seymour/Parr March 2022. Emergency cover, West End; joined the cast as alternate for a few shows in June 2022.
Cherelle Jay: Alternate, West End; joined October 2019 as alternate Boleyn/Cleves, was announced to be principal Cleves in the cancelled drive-in tour, left November 2021. Alternate, UK tour; joined temporarily in February 2022.
Harriet Caplan-Dean: Swing, UK tour; joined March 2022.
Grace Melville: Alternate, UK tour; joined March 2022 as alternate Aragon/Cleves; acted as temporary replacement Cleves between March and May 2022. Emergency cover, West End; covered Cleves for one show in July 2022.
Leesa Tulley: Alternate, UK tour; joined March 2022 as alternate Boleyn/Howard; acted as temporary replacement Howard between August and October 2022.
Elèna Gyasi: Principal Parr, UK tour; joined the cast at reopening in June 2021, left March 2022. Emergency cover, UK tour; returned as an emergency cover in July 2022.
Broadway
Mallory Maedke: Alternate, Chicago and North American tour; alternate Boleyn/Seymour/Howard, was temporary principal Seymour during the St. Paul run. Alternate, Broadway; covering Seymour/Parr (first cover) and Boleyn/Cleves/Howard in 2020, switched to Aragon/Seymour/Howard in 2021, left December 2022.
Nicole Kyoung-Mi Lambert: Alternate, Chicago and North American tour; alternate Aragon/Cleves/Parr was temporary principal Cleves during the St. Paul run. Alternate, Broadway; covering Aragon/Cleves (first cover) and Boleyn/Seymour/Parr in 2020, switched to Aragon/Boleyn/Cleves in 2021, left December 2022; came back on standby late December 2022.
Courtney Mack: Joined as principal Howard in the North American tour; became alternate Boleyn/Howard and later Boleyn/Seymour/Howard. Alternate, Broadway; covering Boleyn/Howard (first cover) and Aragon/Seymour/Parr in 2020, switched to Boleyn/Howard/Parr in 2021, left December 2022.
Keirsten Hodgens: Alternate, Broadway; Joined September 2021, covering Seymour/Cleves/Parr. Emergency cover, Aragon tour, covered Cleves for two performances in March 2022. Left December 2022.
Hanna Stewart: Alternate, West End; joined October 2019 as alternate Seymour/Parr, left November 2021. Alternate, Broadway; joined March 2022 as alternate Aragon/Seymour/Parr, left April 2022
Keri René Fuller: Principal Seymour, Broadway; was a temporary replacement between March and May 2022, rejoined as principal in August 2022, left December 2022. Alternate, Broadway; was listed as alternate for a week after her first principal run, likely as a Seymour standby.
Ayla Ciccone-Burton: Alternate, Broadway; Joined August 2022, covering Boleyn/Cleves/Parr.
Holli’ Conway: Alternate, Broadway; Joined August 2022, originally said to be covering Aragon/Howard/Parr, switched to Aragon/Cleves/Howard shortly after.
Aubrey Matalon: Alternate, Broadway; Joined December 2022, covering Boleyn/Seymour/Howard.
Kristina Leopold: Alternate, Broadway; Joined December 2022, covering Aragon/Seymour/Parr.
Keri Fuller*: (not pictured) Principal Seymour, Broadway; Did two runs as principal Seymour between March and May, and August and December 2022; after her first run was listed as alternate on the playbill for a week.
Aragon US tour
Kelly Denice Taylor: Alternate, Aragon North American Tour; alternate Aragon/Seymour/Cleves. Standby, Broadway; became standby for broadway starting June 2022 with the same covers while still being alternate in the tour company.
Cassie Silva: Alternate Broadway, joined January 2022 as alternate Howard, left March 2022. Alternate, Aragon North American Tour; alternate Boleyn/Cleves/Howard. Standby, Broadway; returned as a standby in July 2022 with her tour covers while still part of the tour company.
Kelsee Kimmel: Alternate, Aragon North American Tour; alternate Aragon/Seymour/Parr. Standby, Broadway; became standby for broadway starting September 2022 covering Seymour/Parr while still being alternate in the tour company.
Erin Palmer Ramirez: Alternate, Aragon North American Tour; alternate Boleyn/Howard/Parr.
Boleyn US tour
Cecilia Snow: Alternate, Boleyn north American tour; alternate A/S/C.
Aryn Bohannon: Alternate, Boleyn north American tour; alternate B/S/H. Standby, Aragon tour, temporarily joined the Aragon tour with her three covers.
Jana Larell Glover: Alternate, Boleyn north American tour; alternate A/C/P.
Taylor Pearlstein: Alternate, Boleyn north American tour; alternate B/H/P.
AUS
Karis Oka: Swing, Australia tour.
Shannen Alyce Quan: Swing, Australia tour.
Chiara Assetta: Swing, Australia tour; joined when the show reopened in December 2021
Cristina D’Agostino: Alternate swing, Australia tour; joined the company in June 2021 as resident choreographer, became alternate (emergency) swing in April 2022.
Norwegian Bliss
3.0
Marilyn Caserta: Alternate, Norwegian Bliss 3.0; alternate Aragon/Cleves/Parr. Alternate, Broadway; joined the Broadway cast for two weeks in August 2022 as emergency alternate Aragon. Universal alternate, US companies; Joined December 2022 as alternate for Broadway and both US tours, covering Aragon/Boleyn/Cleves/Parr.
Ashlee Waldbauer: Alternate, Norwegian Bliss 3.0; alternate Boleyn/Seymour/Howard.
Alize Ke'Aloha Cruz: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Bliss 3.0; covering Boleyn/Seymour/Howard.
Kristina Walz: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Bliss 3.0; covering Aragon/Boleyn/Cleves.
Adrianna Glover: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Bliss 3.0; covering Aragon/Cleves/Parr.
4.0
Kayla McSorley: Alternate, Norwegian Bliss 4.0; alternate Boleyn/Cleves/Parr.
Willow Dougherty: Alternate, Norwegian Bliss 4.0; alternate Aragon/Seymour/Howard.
Emily Lyons: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Bliss 4.0; covering Aragon/Cleves/Parr.
Chelsea Wargo: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Bliss 4.0; covering Boleyn /Seymour/Howard.
HannahTaylor: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Bliss 4.0; covering Boleyn/Seymour/Cleves.
Gabbi Mack: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Bliss 4.0; covering Aragon/Cleves/Parr, was promoted to principal Aragon early during rehearsals.
5.0
Bethany McDonald: Alternate, Norwegian Bliss 5.0; alternate Seymour/Cleves/Parr.
Jillian Worthing: Alternate, Norwegian Bliss 5.0; alternate Aragon/Boleyn/Howard.
Haley Izurieta: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Bliss 5.0; covering Boleyn/Cleves.
Lois Ellise: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Bliss 5.0; covering Aragon/Seymour/Parr.
Jasmine M. Smith: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Bliss 5.0; covering Seymour/Parr.
Alyssa Giannetti: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Bliss 5.0; covering Aragon/Seymour/Howard
Norwegian Breakaway
2.0
Abbi Hodgson: Alternate, Norwegian Bliss 2.0; alternate Aragon/Boleyn/Cleves; did not debut before the production was cancelled because of lockdown. Alternate, Norwegian Breakaway 2.0, came back with the same covers as before.
Ellie Sharpe: Alternate, Norwegian Breakaway 2.0; alternate Seymour/Howard/Parr. Was previously cast in one of the unnanounced 2020 cruise casts. Alternate, Norwegian Breakaway 4.0; returned as alternate S/H/P.
Sadie Hurst: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Breakaway 2.0; was announced to be covering Boleyn/Seymour/Cleves, changed to Boleyn/Seymour/Howard during rehearsals.
3.0
Channing Weir: Alternate, Norwegian Bliss 3.0; alternate Boleyn/Cleves/Howard.
Madeline Fansler: Alternate, Norwegian Bliss 3.0; alternate Aragon/Seymour/Parr. Swing, Australia tour; joined the Australian cast for September 2022 as a temporary swing and later as a full time swing starting December 2022.
Princess Victomé: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Breakaway 3.0; covering Seymour/Cleves/Parr. Alternate, Norwegian Breakaway 4.0; came back changing her covers to Aragon/Boleyn/Cleves.
Sunayna Smith: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Breakaway 3.0; covering Aragon/Boleyn/Howard.
4.0
Sarah McFarlane: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Breakaway 3.0; covering Seymour/Howard/Parr.
Meg Dixon-Brasil: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Breakaway 3.0; covering Boleyn/Seymour/Howard.
Reca Oackley: Rehearsal swing Norwegian Breakaway 3.0; covering Aragon/Seymour/Cleves. Returned as principal Cleves for Bliss 5.0.
#six the musical#six costumes#six alternates#six west end#six broadway#six aragon tour#six boleyn tour#six australia#six bliss#six bliss 3.0#six bliss 4.0#six bliss 5.0#six breakaway 2.0#six breakaway 3.0#six breakaway 4.0#this took way longer than expected#and my choices dont make things easier#including#do the emergency covers because I am not ading everyone since the start this time#do only promo or stage photos for everyone but rehearsal alts#try to balance things out but six insists on doing promo photos as the same four queens leaving me with very few parr#and starting the text in july was a great choice actually#I only had to edit it every other week though
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@vulpixisananimal sifstem art jumpscare!! more specifically i got bored and decided to mess around with sif and mal's outfits.
#my art#this is how I think theyd present themselves either in person or in headspace. the slouchers <3#sifs outfit is simple; the boots i always give them (but with star laces for funsies); loose sweater; simple pants#the pants are Meant to be jeans but isat doesnt Specifically Have Jeans so. theyre just Pants.#the sweater is slightly looser bc sif doesnt seem like a Form Fitting Clothes kinda guy to me but hes Trying to be more open#on particularly good days theyll roll the sleeves up or wear a sleeveless one methinks#even if everyone Knows abt the self-harm scars its hard to Look at them.#i also associate them being more open with them not wearing an eyepatch. esp bc hes the only one of the three to go without it#for mal (or 'ami' as i like to call it) i wanted smth reminiscent of a mourning outfit bc mal du pays means homesickness#and i picked 'ami' as a nickname bc ami means friend :] at least according to my basic translator. i dont speak french <3#ami's outfit being dark is also reminiscent of the inversion thing its got going on in canon.#ik the veil is starred in the original but i think ami would want the fewest reminders of home. on account of The Issues#(actually if i can come back to sifs laces sif also has issues with reminders of it bc of the memory loss but the shoelaces are His Choice—#—which gives them a form of control over it and they can keep it subtle or undo it if he wants. which makes it easier)#anyway. i put amis hair in an updo and smoothed the hat bc i think ami wants to be Unremarkable. Unknown. so it keeps its silhouette Simple#(it still keeps the pins. theres smth comforting abt them. they shine like stars and theyre not stars and theyre not Home. but theyre You.)#and i kept the long hair i gave loop. dont ask me why its so long when the canon hair is short. maybe their hair kept growing over the loop#OH and i drew ami in a side profile bc Silhouette and also bc i think itd make an effort to keep people away from its blind spot#andddd i think thats about it? plus i actually managed to keep this one within a reasonable timeframe.#if their hair changes lengths/the proportions change between drawings. no they dont 💛 peace and love and body craft#OH AND YOU FINALLY GET TO SEE WHAT I MEAN ABT SIFS BOOTS BC THESE ARE THE BOOTS I GAVE THEM ON MY REGULAR DESIGN ARENT THEY NEAT#i did actually try to give sif a different font but nothing Works for them like the pixel font. i cant explain it.#i think 'ami' would be a nickname that mira gives it. bc. shes Fantasy French. and its a sort of 'youre more than your yearning/loss' thing#me every time i think abt sifstem: yeah they just rotate in my head. nothing major#me every time i talk abt sifstem: oh hey im almost at tag limit again#au Good what can i say
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ok but blatantly and inarguably a lot of "accepting" parents would rather their children be ~nonbinary~ and/or ~nontransitioning~ than binary transgender, and this doesnt devalue exorsexism (not only because it is another form of exorsexism) but because it is a fact
#when i was first talking to my mother about being transgender she struggled with it a lot#and she Asked why i couldnt just “be nonbinary” because that would be easier for *her* to 'deal with'#and my parents are currently accepting but that is still a thing transgender youth have to deal with#the fact that some binary trans people feel the need to misgender themselves in order to make cis people feel more comfortable#because *cis* people view nonbinary trans identities as 'less extreme' or 'less trans'#and that is both transphobia and exorsexism on the part of the cis person!!!#why must we blame other trans people for the situations cis people put us into#and to bring up some other bullshit i was whining about yesterday#being told that *really* got to me. because i didnt choose any of this!#if i could just not be trans and not have to deal with all of the pain i would have!#it has made my life endlessly difficult! if i did have a choice i dont see why i would have chosen to be trans#my family was desperate for a baby girl. all of my aunts and uncles wanted a girl child but they couldnt get one. until my parents#and im just throwing that all away#why would i do that on purpose. disappoint my entire family like that#anyways#got sidetracked#thats not the point#im gonna go eat breakfast ahahah
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D-och-tor
#kingu's carpal tunnel flared up so i cant draw#i drew this yesterday as a warmup before i showed my friends the tedious time consuming and brain tingling way#to make picrews. especially onnes that have as much options as im doing#and also i name my files stupid so it was a hassle to find and upload the things to their proper categories and choices#since i cant draw today im gonna uhh organize my files into folders so it will eb easier for me to track them and not#have a folder of 400 different colored eyes#it will be easier so i can add all the different colorsof hair while also adding the new styles i made#since lings dont wear many clothes i can put my resources into customizability#andweapons haha#doodles#hoardling#little creatures
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hey i’m a mutual who dropped out in 7th grade and i just want u to know that things will be ok. i’m going back to school this year and like you can just stop either temporarily or permanently. i promise u it will be ok
:((( thank u so much this means a lot to hear . my plan has been to drop out for like two years at this point but i never really expected it to feel this much like a huge change even though it was always going to be. and my mother asked me if i just wanted to drop out when i told her i didn't want to go in today and it's sent me on a downward spiral. sorry for putting this on your dash board whoever is online and whoever saw it.
#ugh whatever sorry these tags r going to be so whiny don't look at them if u dont want to see that.#UGHHHEH its just so much. because at least having the option to have somewhere to go every day even if i never take it has been like.#almost some sort of comfort to me. because i don't want to sit around every day if it's not my choice to be doing so.#but i've never had a job. i don't know how to write a resume i don't know how to answer interview questions i don't know anywhere that#would take me that i can get to on my own since i can't drive. but if i don't get a job. i'll be sitting around broke and miserable until#applications for the course i want open up. and i don't know how to do that. the more i think abt it today the more dropping out feels#like the best option but it doesn't make it feel less like the huge step i know it'll be. i don't have a life without school. it's the only#place i ever see my few irls. it's my one source of human interaction every week. what do i do if it's not there for the next#half a year. assuming i passed the test i needed to pass and also get into the course i want. i don't know.#and everythings in my favour!! everything is going for me!! i have it easier than so many kids at my school!#my mother is a teacher and she gets me so many of the things i need because she knows the system. literally two weeks ago she got it set up#so that i don't have to go to one of my classes because it was making me miserable and i was complaining abt it constantly.#and i just feel bad that all of her effort will have gone to waste? i know she's done everything she can but it still hasn't fixed my#hatred for the school system and i feel so bad. I DONT KNWO WAHT TO DO!!! IM GOING TO KILL MY SELF!!!#whatever what ever. i;m overreacting it's what ever
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my partner pumpkin lives in my mind rent free a massive chunk of my waking hours. i know in all actuality they arent actually what i think about constantly, but every day, when im without them i do something or see something or my mind just wanders and inevitably they come back to mind and i often catch myself with the goofiest grin as i think of them.
im so excited to explore the future with them, it makes me just. happy to think about being next to them, a year from now, and to think about how we will both shift and change and how each of us are in our own rights will grow from our love and i so so hope im blessed that we are able to keep growing together like two vines intertwined, reaching towards the sun for a very, very long time. im so gay for them its absurd, im so in love and i love them so very much its CRAZY.
#personal#its i love my partner hours#i love their smile#i love the way they stick out their bottom chin when theyre concentrating#i love the way that after a bad joke they smile so very wide#and mouth partially open and eyes a bit closed they look at me and tap my shoulder and ask me if i got the joke again and again#and the way they sit (they pose like a cat)#they MOVE like a cat. the way their shoulders sit when they sit up is exquisite#they heal so fast from things its crazy i dont understand this person and i love them and also i do understand them#and i love them for that both understanding and also the thingd that my brain csnt comprehend abt their brain and how they work#like the fact they can do math#they helped convert a recipe for me at a dinner as i was cooking#and it was just#idk#it just filled me with such a sense of oh. yeah. i made such the right decision#and idk HOW i made such a good decision. but loving them also has made it easier to make choices that arent going to harm me inevitably#maybe its bc im happy#and i dont need that external validation from others as much#ive stopped thrifting nesrly completely too#which is crazyyyy#but also that was my coping strategy#and how i dealt with stress and i suddenly realized the other day#thst the last times id gone thrifting itd been driven by a friend wanting to#idk man. idk.#anyways.#their grin is stupid cute and i love them and theyre a dork and theyre the most wonderful partner i couldve hoped to wish for#im so lucky
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#listen. im just gonna rant abt something real dumb for a sec#the framing of missing 411 stories make me so annoyed. and if u dont kno. missing 411 stories are focused on ppl who went missing in#national parks or just out in nature with no real explanation. i dont even kno why i watch these videos they just make me mad#theyre not all bad but like mother fucker do u not kno how easy it is to get lost in thr fucking woods?#theyre like: this person was an experienced hiker. they wouldnt have just done X#like no. fuck off. it only takes one bad move. one bad day. one unexpected run in and boom that's it#its not that crazy???? its not magic or bigfoot. its ppl getting confused or disoriented and panicking#i mean. obvously not in every case but fucking im like 99% sure its not spooky stuff. its just easier than youd like to think to get lost#my little sister got lost in the woods when she was like 6. she took a wrong turn on a hiking path and walked so far my dad almost turned#back bc he thought she would never get that far but there she was. one tiny blip in a big big forest and she was on a path#its so so easy to miss one tiny point out there. this also goes for places out in the desert#like sure its flat. how could a person get lost in an open space? but no fuck u. ive gotten lost walking along a 50m flat transect#i looked up and for about a minute i wasnt where i thought i was. the heat and not drinking or eating enough can really mess with you head#ugh. i dunno. one of my lab mates has done more like serious outdoors stuff. like not going back to civilization for weeks doing field#work out in Colorado. and he says there is something weird about being alone out there. like some places have a call to them. a temptation#compelling you to do things u kno r bad ideas. but i also pressed him and it seems to come from a lack of othet ppl watching you#like a lack of socal constraint enables the temptation to make reckless choices. so like i dunno it sounds more like a human thing#than the supernatural but like what do i kno? anyway. missing 411 stories make me man#mad. god. there was one i watched where the guys were like. hm they seem to happen around weird places like swamps. or around bad weather#events. so maybe these places or events cause disappearances to happen. like fucking no! do u hear what ur saying?????#the disappearences occure around places that are objectively difficult to search under conditions that delay search effort????? is ur brain#broken? the bad conditions make it hard to find ppl so u find less ppl and theyre marked as missing. jesus christ#anyway. its baffling to me. but i keep watching thr videos. probably bc i have nightmares about running into wild animals out in the woods#so im searching for like. god what not to do if i get lost in the woods. when what i shoukd do is watch survival videos rip#unrelated#ugh. also ive done some work in a national park where u would think its super super hard to get lost but our fieldwork got delayed bc ppl#had to go do search and rescue and the person was dead by the time they were found. i dont kno the details but like its a thing that#happens. its not that crazy#not to mention all the dumb fucks who fall of the cliffs every year down where i grew up. every fucking year. it happened to one of our#neighbors. he was at the bottom of this cliff for a whole day and survived. i dunno bad things happen everyday. u r not immune
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moving tomorrow can't sleep. everything and everyone are coming together to make this happen. a chance to start over fresh and become someone new. power in my hands. and the fear, that I would have to abandon and cut off everyone who came before, turned out to be the opposite of the truth.
#nothing like a move on your own terms to reset ... everything.#things remain but like#i dont have to keep my bedroom the same#i can decorate in a totally different way#new colors new hair new clothes new life start doing only shit i MEAN to do#or at least trying more for that#i don't expect it to happen overnight but the new context will make all the ols bad habits easier to see#and shift#god fuck thank you past me and all my guides and the Oracle for pointing me here#for making this choice!!!!
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[Image Description: "I just think goodness is more interesting," Morrison said. "Evil is constant. You can think of different ways to murder people, but you can do that at age five. But you have to be an adult to consciously, deliberately be good - and that's complicated." End ID.]
cruelty is so easy. youre not special for choosing it
#this might explain my obsession with antagonists who go too far with the right thing actually#and heroes who are good through awful painstaking choices#in a world where surviving and thriving has become so based on greed and gluttony#isnt it captivating to think about people who dont?#people who choose to sacrifice their time and energy to make others' lives easier#no matter how hard it is?#theres a reason anti heroes noble demons and well intentioned extremists are so interesting#its so cool to watch someone with every reason to become evil--grief fear hatred suffering--say 'i wont do that to another creature'#evil#thoughts#writing#media#described
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I scooped the litterboxes and brought the previous bag and the new one down, and took the bag of trash out of the pail, brought those out to the outdoor din and threw them in there, then got the bag of glass/metal/plastic recycling out and the cardboard/paper one and one more small bag of trash, and then i brought all of that out to the curb.
I'm exhausted.
#like I'm pooped. idk why but that all was just very physically exhausting and I'm still exhausted from yesterday's mess#i had a glass of juice+water and two more slices of challah (toasted one and ate the other in the meantime)#and now I'm sitting bc i have no energy#i want to bake :(#i still have to do the meat dishes and then I'll have the dairy to do before i can cook unless i dont change the sink to dairy and leave the#baking dishes for tomorrow after work#idk#at least one set of dishes to do#and baking is fun but still work but i need the extra snack option#and then i have to decide what to make for dinner and cook it and then after i eat i have to pack atuff for work tomorrow#and tbh i dont want to go#but no choice#also I'm annoyed at myself bc#i meant to try ordering rolls again this morning bc maybe in the AM its easier to not grab the challah instead of the rolls but i didnt and#now its evening again so I'll have to wait which is fine ive git like 3 or 4 rolls left at least#and the othr thing I'm annoyed at myself abt is i have dentist appointment on the 15th but I'm off the 14th and for 2 weeks ive known id#have ti see if i can swap my shifts#and i jsut kept not remembering to ask my boss abt it#and then i sent him an email yesterday but he was off today s#so he wont see it till tomorrow and he'll probably tell me its too short notice to change it#sigh#so i have to ask the dentist office if they first if they have an appointment available on the 14th instead amd if not is there something#next week maybe??#if id asked my boss yesterday and gotten a No i could have called the dentist today but now i have to wait for tomorrow#and the 14th is literally thursday like uggh
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#the absolute most agonizing thing is that i am Tduly wading through thick fog#ubable to makr a decusion so cleanly cut bc i dont know What to do#so i just . Keep Fucking Moving n making choices to try n feel better and make it easier#but i am going to Lose My Shit if something doesbt fuckijg give soon.#there is only so much stagnancy i can deal with before i Will set the world on fire and do something Stupid !!!!!!!#like !!!! nothing means Anything but i am stuck in a posiyion and in doing everything to Change that#but nothing is fucking changing and im just getting angrier ans angrier !
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#i didnt do v much productive today. which was prob a bad choice but whatever#i started figuring out how to code the results of the dyslexia survey and woof#i mean. i just really like coding. im not v efficient but i love puzzles so its really fun to have new problems#like how do i best display this info? a nmds based on presence absence? is it worth taking the time to figure that out???#its hard when ppl have so many other conditions at play. is this the struggle of ppl who survey ppl?#like reading dyslexia papers i have the same problem bc its ppl based so im like. fuck how do i interpret this#its easier when ur working with non flexible data#it does make me a bit sad tho. bc coding makes me so happy and i dont let myself do it often bc its so fun#like i would b happy just to be a consultant for R coding problems. im already sorta like that bc everytime somone in the lab has an issue#im like: give me ur code. i will do it#so i can b productive just not abt the things i need to get done lol#sigh... so many results both academic and non academic. god. im so excited for the end of feb when i pick my school and can plan the next#few months. like ill finally have a timeline for when i can quit my position.#which i feel bad being excited abt bc my boss is great but i am just so so so ready to get the fuck outta here#sigh... tomorrow ill get things done bc Thursday i leave for a school visit. well see if i cave and spend 100$ on the shuttle#bc im so fucking stressed abt driving to the airport lol#unrelated
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The things we as a generation that's mentally fucked is that valid and rational aren't interchangeable.
All feelings are valid, be them toxic, harmless, anxious. Even abusive people's feelings are valid.
That doesn't stop the fact that (hypothetically) you said that fucked up thing, hurt people, abused someone.
Validation of feelings & rational critical thinking isn't the same thing. You can have your feelings validated and still be the problem.
Once that is understood, practiced and accepted, your mind can begin to be at peace with itself and you can better regulate the irrational responses.
(Abusive people and narcissists aren't ready for that conversation though)
Really fucked up actually that the "you are valid" culture which, usefulness and uh, validity thereof aside, was intended to provide some some perspective for people who may have been blamed for harmless things they could not control morphed into "if strangers on the internet do not constantly tell me I'm good and perfect they are the oppressor" and "even constructively and gently telling me that I hold some power and responsibility to seek a better situation is an unspeakably cruel act."
#validation of feelings =/= correct response#there so many things i feel#everyday#and struggle to correspond with actions#its difficult to have a Yoda mindset#but once you unlock it#and work thru the self turmoil#its easier to manage#because regardless of the validity of my feelings#i shouldnt be a dick :/#life is hard#dont be someone who makes it harder for someone else#and then blames it on the validity of your emotions#irrational decisions dont over lap#be good people#make good choices
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so my brain rly is my biggest enemy huh
#is this venting? i guess?#its just#it doesnt matter if its seasonal depression. selfhate issues. autism. the utter mind breaking isolation im suffering from in erasmus#it feels like ive made the biggest mistake in my life when i went abroad. three months ago i had more than a dozen friends#now i only have the one#its soulcrushing#if only i could be an entirely different person... it would make life easier for me and so many others#personal#why are *so many things* just wrong with me? if i could... just drag out my brain and crush it#just get rid of this worthless source of problems#sigh. i had hoped i did the right thing by not going thru w the suicide when i attempted it#sometimes feels like that was the wrong choice too :(#adrian this isnt about you. something else happened this morning as well so please dont blame yourself abt this venting#twas just a double tap
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#idk if this is angsty or not so im just gonna throw it in the tags#but like. i fully know what my problem is. and how i could fix it. and literally the only thing making me sad and upset is myself#why? because my choice of medium is writing. because that makes it incredibly difficult to get anything out there and get people interested#in my creations. cause visual media is preferred so much over written anything cause its so much easier to consume#it doesnt help that i dont work with popular characters or ships (literally my current work im most excited about is for a ship only *i*#have contributed to so far. like.. we are talking that level of unpopular choices here)#and like. i dont say this to shame or blame anyone. this is obviously my choice. ive decided to do both of these things when i could have i#so much easier. i wouldnt be better at it if i did visual shit still. im way worse at that than writing. ive always been a writer first#but.. honestly seeing the difference with interaction and even in general interest due to these factors...#idk man. again i know this is entirely self inflicted like i chose this. i chose all of these things. and continue to do so#ive literally seen all of this. im not making it up. im not talking about just in general im talking this has happened to me personally#that rare time in june i made and posted art? do you understand the amount of ppl that said 'ive missed your stuff'?#the same people that dont consume my current works due to their form and have never went on the lengths to say the same thing about#my writing? when i took a two year hiatus from all of that basically? but a few months of visual arts?#idk fam im just. i understand all of this but im hurt. you know?#cause i know it doesnt matter. and its so much more difficult. i know there are people out there who love and appreciate what i do#and who understand how important this is to me compared to other stuff and before and whatnot#but at the same time the negatives (that are mostly in my head but they are still real things and they still hurt) are so much louder#i dont know where im going with this. im just thinking. excuse the brain barf#or dont. whatever. im just.. acknowledging my recent feelings. there is a reason i had a breakdown few days ago and yesterday was so rough#i should probably go to bed. sorry about this#its not gonna change anything in how stuff is viewed or how im gonna act about it but just.. you know. putting this out there#the inequality of how art is treated just has me thinking. that maybe im not made for this#maybe i should just be the below mediocre visual artist that does things that give them no happiness just cause it gets more attention#idk. just. yeah#good night#night is an absolute mess on main
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Bad news guys I'm having thoughts abt that stupid bndori + sekai eternal gales au again. Anyways Ive come across the horrible realisation that everything adds up perfectly for Chu2 to be Bloom someone kill me please
#rat rambles#eternal gales#band posting#sekai posting#I was like it might be easier to fit chu2 as bloom instead of a sekai character but then I was like no cause then au chu2 would be a thing#and I dont wanna imagine chu2 in her 30s#but then I was like wait fuck. pareo could be colin. fuck.#and she would be like 11 with my timeline shit here so like. fucking hell Id be stupid to pass up this oppertunity#like who the fuck else am I going to make bloom what other choice do I have </3#plus it gives me room to be more leniant with my fydd choice#also Ive decided whos going to be aris and tali but like in a very 5d chess sorta way#ako is aris and mafuyu is tali. but also au mafuyu is kinda au aris also. and au ako is au tali. it makes sense in my head ok#also I dont think I said this but uhhh the crossover siblings are the snake triplets sorry for being cringe#theyre the reason I made this damn au lol#but yeah now Im enforcing a strict no more bndori characters as the human kids rule theres already 3 and rly thats 3 too many#luckily theres only 3 more I need to decide on if Im remembering correctly#and by 3 I more so mean 2 because Im like 80% sold on kanade as dodie already it just depends on if I can find a good mase for her
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