#and moving around all the fuckin time
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my bathroom flooded today bc my upstairs neighbors have an unpermitted laundry machine installed and probably disconnected the hose spilling all the dirty laundry water down through my ceiling vent into my bathroom. i tried to clean it up as quick as i could but i don't have seven thousand towels to mop everything up with and now both the laminate in the bathroom and carpet outside the bathroom have very visible water damage. so. that's cooooooool
#hikey#also the tenant upstairs is super sketch and i'm p sure subleasing illegally so this is gonna be a shitshow#i went upstairs and knocked several times trying to tell them what happened and no answer but i hear them whispering behind the door#and moving around all the fuckin time#i can also still hear them using the washing machine from my unit#i've heard the machine before but couldn't confirm until today#it was steaming hot water first of all and smelled of detergent#i grabbed a trashcan and put it underneath and all the water it collected was dirty nasty ass grey soapy laundry water#i have so many reasons to be mad but the thing that makes me most angry is they couldn't even be fucking decent and answer the door#not k|nky
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fat robots. say everything you think
Well, this is going to be barely coherent, but here we go.
I am not particularly shy about saying I think fat people and fat characters are often really fuckin hot. Idk if it's anything that deep, I just like em sturdy about as often as I like twinks or hunks or anything in between, and I think it's a damn shame you don't see more fat characters treated as complex or desirable or really anything more than the comic relief.
I've mentioned before that TFA has my ideal mix of partial softbody and hard metal. It's also got a really nice range of body types, and it gave us my beautiful beloved boy Bulkhead, very big, very cute, very sweet. I like that he's fat, I like that he has depth as a character, I like the idea of his belly and his thighs actually being at least a little soft. Also with Jazz and Shockwave, although both of them are pretty thin (unless you count Longarm), they both have that very clearly soft midriff (and in Jazz's case, those incredibly biteable thighs) and when people draw them even softer and chubbier than they are in canon, I simply black out. No thoughts, head empty, only robot tummy.
Even in continuities where that soft protoform look might be a bit more of a reach (like tfp, they lean a lot heavier into the mechanical for about everything except the face) I don't really see anything wrong with people simplifying some of the moving mechanical parts in the name of dialing up the softbody a little. Like don't get me wrong, I love the predominantly hard metal side of the spectrum too, I'm as fascinated with tfp Optimus's intricate mechanical hands Drift's solid steel thighs as the next robotfucker, I just also like applying The Somft™️ to characters that may not have it by default.
I'm also just kind of a sucker for characters that are Constantly Going Through It and Tired All The Time eventually gaining weight when they get to settle down and enjoy themselves a little, and with The War being a constant in every continuity, that gives me quite a few options to apply that trope post-war (cough cough tfp ratchet cough cough I NEED THAT MAN TO STOP STARVING HIMSELF DAMMIT)
In conclusion, your honor, I think I just like seeing my faves fat n' happy.
#not polls#honestly i think it might be because i spent a lot of my life worryingly scrawny. like i used to go hungry a lot as a kid and as a teenager.#didnt start eating like a normal person until i moved out of my mom's house.#didnt really like how i looked AT ALL until around that time too#i only started gaining any degree of self confidence after i started outting on weight. i got a soft tummy and cute thighs now#and i literally would not trade that for the world.#also bc some of the people i be fuckin are also chubby (moreso than i am) and i cannot possibly see it as anything other than gorgeous
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when characters have poofy messy but otherwise straight hair, i like to headcanon that their hair is actually naturally wavy/curly and they just don't know how to/don't care to take proper care of it. bc irl that is often the case (speaking from personal experience)
#eliot posts#*looks back at my younger self who didn't know their hair was wavy just thought it was Bad*#i was fuckin. walking around with hair poofed up like a mix between a founding father and a startled cat#and with a halo of frizz at all times#older relatives would call it nappy or ratty and suggest i cut it off or get a relaxer treatment done on it#(sidenote a bit ago i learned that apparently ''nappy'' is usually a racialized term tho i myself am white)#fascinating that they knew that straightening treatments would ''fix'' my hair but did not actually know my hair was wavy#i wore my hair real long back then too so it was constantly tangled lol#memories of being a kid and my dad having to basically corner me to brush my hair in the morning before school#my mother would bitch about my hair being too long when i was a kid and sometimes TRICK ME into getting it cut shoulder length#but then when i was an older teen and wanted it cut real short she FORBADE ME from going any shorter than a bob???#so i just left it super long til i moved out and then chopped it all off and sold it to a wigmaker for a $300 profit lmao#now that it's short tho the wave pattern is very minimal#part bc of the way i style it part bc it's just a 2b wave pattern so you need a bit of length before the waves start getting really defined#anyway like. looks at catra and eda. let me get u some good conditioner and a wide toothed comb bby
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booking a doctor's appointment for next week so that I have a week to come to terms with and accept the fact that im going to be asking about getting a cane
#my joint pain has gotten so much worse since starting my EA job#being on my feet so much of the day and its so much moving around#up and down stairs and running down halls and even so much standing still#the braces ive got help a lot but they dont make up for things like my awful balance#and the need to lean#im gonna be much more relaxed in the summer of course but having the adjustment period be over the summer would be helpful#rather than trying to adjust while also working#im doing a pretty good job coping with all this but its still. a big complicated thing of feelings#at times#but I want to start getting these things that will help me now#rather than wait until things get worse#I think a cane would really help me#im just hoping my doctor agrees#and then sends out my fuckin referral to a genetic specialist which he was supposed to do months ago#my doctor is good but he's so bad with referrals#oh well#I can deal with that#im real annoying and persistent when I want to be
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Back on that damn zoroark wiki page
#sigh. anways#h!zoros are said to have come back to life after death from a harsh environment which for some👏🏾reason👏🏾 i didnt register as a#u!zoro dying and coming back different (probably bc time n history why would the ancestor derive from the descendant) but its not an#ancestor its just a zoroark thats fucked up bc the region its in#additionally i didnt understand why it hated people AND pokemon (and still didnt rlly understand the ppl thing fully) but its cause they#were banished to the icelands by ppl and the pokemon there did not make it any easier so they died and came back from being so fucking Mad#and thats fucked up bc they are chill dogs!!!! so i get it id b mad too displaced by ppl u actively try to avoid and then u die in the only#place ur kinda allowed to be Plus the animals there are being jerks also ?? baneful fox is right#i feel like zoros still have a stigma abt them so i bet under the right conditions a modern zoro w the typing and nature of a hisuian one#is possible and i also wonder where the hisuian ones went cause i assume that ghost types dont die 2x and something w so much anger towards#everything its given the title of spiteful and baneful wouldnt just....go away that is a restless spirit lmao i cant imagine theyd just#move on so i like to think they r maybe just fuckin around in the mountains mostly unseen away from everything and maybe they r killin#things as just an unseen force idk i dont live in the sinnohan mountains#exhale Thats All!!!! known/common knowledge and assumed information but idc cause i wanted to talk anyways!!!#kae.txt
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just spent 4 dollars buying the exit 8 for an art idea that probably wont make sense to anyone except me <- guy who does not make good life decisions
#asto speaks#for context the exit 8 is a horror game where you're trying to exit a subway station but you basically have to play find the difference#in the hallway leading out of the station and if you fail youre not allowed to leave#like if you see anything weird/abnormal in the hallway you have to turn around and go back#idk i saw a twitter fanart of something i didnt recognise w a background that reminded me of it and had the thought to draw like#kdj as the man thats always walking down the hallway (there can be something wrong with the man too)#look it makes sense to me but idk how to explain it#update: got my ref images! now to see if people will get the fuckin reference#had to reset the stage so many times bc the guy kept walking away before i could take a good pic#also had to reset at one point bc i realised the ceiling lights were all slanted which. cool i progressed the game but also#like i had to move to the next level to reset the stage bc damn that wouldve made for a terrible pic KJSDHFKJSD
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re: last post
re: bioweapon leon au
as i traverse recovery, (which contrary to my misery-posting is going amazing! just mild discomforts and a hematoma leading to longer recovery. besides that it's not that bad at all lol), each little thing is adding up to the inspo bank for things i can use and reflect on later....
the idea of.... isolation. or more simply, the lack of independence.
wired up, quite literally, with this and that coming out of leon's skin.
no, it's not like he can risk pulling them out like pasta from your throat after getting curious about the feeling - i, uh, what?
who knows what these umbrella-cosplayers have given purpose to these things... like dewiring a fuckin' bomb. which one disables the goddamn thing, which one sets off the streamers and balloons, and which one kills him?
anesthesia taking a fucking week to wear off. can't think straight, can't stay awake. can't get fucking comfortable with how goddamn tight his skin feels. in and out of this blur. goddamn neck about to snap with how he can't get it quite right on the pillows. thank god for blankets and pillows, at least.
ribs squeezed so tight with all this medieval SAW-esque devices. how many stitches and incisions are even under all of that?
a sickly oversensitive feeling on his skin...
the blisters developing from the plastic tubing rubbing constantly against his skin after weeks of being a pin cushion....
disgusting mess of a beard.... hair gross. not the hair, man! shower..... hunger so bad for shower....
where tf is his fuckin breakfast, man???
#i mean some exaggeration here of course lol#resi au ideas#nah now that my hematoma is drained the euphoria is wooo!!!#a moment of panic like 'oh no do i still have a tit there???'#so.... much.... drainage....#nah just fluid that didn't wanna leave until one night in the shower for some fuckin reason#medical horror is fun for some reason#not my thing all of the time but like#a lil treat here and there yknow?#ick#ps it went down so fast and it feels.... very uncomfortable if i move around too much.... like..... skin too loose there#it's not but like.... hollow feeling... yuck!!!
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ok but like. one thing i really like about god of war is how Mimir is just. a talking decapitated head. all he can really do is talk, he can't move himself around or anything. and yet he's still given just as much autonomy and respect as any of the other fully abled characters
#like. they make sure he's comfortable and alright but don't walk on eggshells around him or baby him#if any jokes are made about him just being a head it's usually either#1) a villain making a derogatory joke so you know this isn't a good thing to say/do#or 2) if it's a friend usually they ask if it's alright first or make some kind of note that this is a good natured tease#he's got a romantic relationship that seems to be thriving (good for him) and is also somewhat realistic#it's very clear he's seen as an equal and not lesser simply because he can no longer move himself around#he has to be carried everywhere but they don't seem annoyed by it (unless the person Doesn't Like Him)#and like. in important moments they hold him up so he can see as well#bc he is kind of. on the back of kratos's belt most of the time#but they did make a note of how he wouldn't want to be on the front of the belt bc of how bloody kratos's fights get#and also i really like how his and kratos's relationship develops in ragnarok they really do feel like brothers it's very nice#complete derailment of thought but this also made me think abt all the fuckin hilarious Hiccup's Leg jokes in race to the edge#need to rewatch that again. perhaps with our atreus fictive since he Relates™ to hiccup so much
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Husbands
Husbands that look like they're being interrogated because it's almost 4 am and I spent my entire day painting walls
#Venting!!!!!!!!#im just venting idk im tired i have gym everyday and gym gives me massive anxiety so yayy#im kinda just making up for lost time specifically cuz it was around people im not comfortable witb#my family i mean#i was so sore when i got done i had to move a shit ton of furniture and i hit my head on a dresser#im just watching timtoks to make myself cry because i haven't properly cried in like 6 months and with my fucking life thats unhealthy :D#my cat died on Christmas eve aswell!!!#anyway yeah husbands#they're literally orbs from a childrens video game i am 15 i am a sophomore this is stupid stupid fuckin penguin i hate him#no i dont i love him#DOMT WVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE ENO BITCH HE HAS SUCH A CHOKEHOLD ON ME#THIS IS THE SECOND TIME IN LIKE 2 YEARS IVE BEEN OBSESSED WITH HIM I LITERALLY THINK ABOUT HIM ALL DAY EVERYDAY#i have issues#i just realized i misspelled emo im so tired im not rewriting that im talking bout mk he matches my other intersts more thats why i love him#one of my favorite childhood movies is interview with the vampire ofc i love him#im gonna eat ramen and prepare myself to lie to the nurse tomorrow cuz im not going to gym#i have the biggest urge to just keep thping if only i had this spark in school i hate my brain bro
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HALP (/silly) i come back from teaching my mother to crochet and my activity feed tab is inundated from that one offhand silly post SBDHDHKL
#not upset LOL just overwhelmed a little djdksl but i dont mind#mostly just confused bc im like um. im supposed to be in the shadows all the time whats going on guys SHDJDKL#i feel like a hermit who lives on the edges of the internet so i get frightened whenever even a teensy bit of attention is put on me SBHDKL#scuttling around like a little crab whose hiding rock has just been moved#i made a je.rma post once offhandedly and its at over 2k notes now and that was fucking terrifying for a bit WHEEZE#i had to log off for a couple days while the post made the rounds so i wouldnt panic djdkdl#bro im a badly socialized chihuahua oh noooo 😭😭 im the fuckin skittish horse from the horse movies SBJDKDL WHYYY#okay im gonna go practice accordion djdkdl hide away from my activity feed for a bit LOL#dandy.cmd
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My sibling is trying to out Link me, you DARE QUESTION THE OG!! THE MASTER !! THE HOLDER OF THE KNOWLEDGE OF LINK !!!!!
#okay tbf I'm not super into all the lore and stuff but I do know some stuff lol#trivia and fun facts and I forget there was some sort of timeline somewhere#I haven't got the hype for the new game yet honestly it'll probably come about later#my brain is going more towards Toon Link games which tbf I enjoy Toon Link a lot#thinking about Four Swords and Minish Cap as well as Wind Waker of OG obviously#sadness tho cuz I went thru a lotta trouble to get Spirit Tracks but I didn't get the chance to play it cuz !!#it has blow mechanics :( it's meant for the DS but I had a 3DS and the 3DS microphone doesn't work as well :(#tbf I do think my old DS is around somewhere but I gave it to my sibling after I got my 3DS so no idea where they put it#ANYWAY idk if I even still HAVE the game I lost a good chunk of them from moving like 3 times to different places :(#plus I use to go on trips a lot and would take games with me so probably lost some along the way there as well#one day I will play all the Zelda games as I deserve to do even tho I fuckin suck so hard at those games but NO MATTER !!#I must do it... for the experience 😌#plus maybe read some of the manga#not in Zelda mode atm tho maybe if I played A Link Between Worlds I'd get back into it I dunno ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#my sibling better not lose my games
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i have a weird relationship w the way i look bc on the one hand luckily i don't have very bad dysphoria, i don't get it abt a lot of stuff and it's not smth that's constant either i'm very lucky that way. but also. i know that w my body and my face and my voice i am never going to look a way that makes other people perceive me as what i am and that feels. really bad. but also i don't deserve to feel bad abt that bc i have features that are conventionally attractive. but also i hate them
#its not even that i want to change myself for the most part. its that i wish i could change how other people read those parts of me#the only thing i wish i could change is my chest and having periods and thats partially bc its inconvenient#almost everything else is habitual. clothes/hair/the way i walk and move/etc#but just. the second people hear me talk they read me as a woman and it makes me want to fucking scream#and i have a v round 'feminine' face so like. its that x2. i get read as a teenage girl all the fucking time#and i like those things abt myself!! i like my voice and the way i look#i wish people just. wouldnt assume at all. i wish i could fucking confuse them actually i wish they couldnt tell anything#as a kid i read a lot of 'girl dresses as a boy to do xyz' and i always loved those stories#not bc i /wanted to be/ a boy (trust me ive fuckin questioned that lmao) but bc like. the freedom to pick and move around between#being able to get people to recognize you as what you want to be. being both and neither and smth else entirely#hell i still get a lot of euphoria from confusing people honestly. i cant meaningfully be misgendered bc youre either right or funny#idk! idk. its a very first world problem i know but im never going to be seen as the me that exists inside my head#and i think im allowed to be a little sad abt it#levi.txt
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misty turning her head perfectly on beat with the start of mother, mother is one of those tv music moments that is just part of me now, it’s in my very dna
#misty all HELP ME MOVE HIM and then the music crashes in#IM HUNGRY ( duuuh ) IM DIRTY and then misty’s head turns the timing is perfect i love this shit i LIVE for this shit#(this shit makes me hard i miss you tim gutterson iykyk etc)#anyway on a season with all around impeccable music choice#the drop into mother mother is maybe the best#yellowjackets is so goddamned good#if you are reading this and you liked jennifer’s body#and/or once had an obsession with maenads#or maybe you liked those things AND lost#have i got a show for you#no seriously watch this show. i need to talk about deep shit and greek myths with people#lottie is cassandra: this time she’s starting a cannibal cult instead of warning anybody#FUCKIN LOVE IT
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wanted to write something today (i have an ESSAY DUE TODAY and i have WIPS) but instead im thinking abt my mom. lol
#there was a fucking cyberattack on the hospital that she gets her cancer treatments from and their systems have been down for WEEKS#and she's been delayed in getting treatments because of it and ykw. its advancing at a terrifying rate so its not like she has the time#to just sit around and twiddle her thumbs waiting for the problems to be resolved#and im lowkey !!! fuckin terrified !!!!#like. she has her meds NOW and i think we've fairly moved past it for the most part. but idk.#how much time did that really give her??? another month??? or two?? or three????#she's been a ticking time bomb for 3 years now and i think she's almost out of time#i cant explain how i know. i just do#she's always in pain. i cant be around her because she's constantly in so much pain and i dont know what to do to help#and its just a reminder that she's only getting worse.#and i feel horrible for isolating myself from her because she doesnt have long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i know im gonna regret it later!!!!#but ive never been good at seeing ppl in pain. or knowing what to do about it.#and every new scan she has just shows more tumors and more growth and more red flags#and idk. im tired.#im tired of being scared. im tired of the fucking sword hanging over our heads. im tired of grieving my mother while she's still alive#and im tired of treating her like a ghost when she ISNT yet but i dont know what else to do because everything fucking hurts.#and all my complicated feelings about my mom aside. all the ways we've hurt each other#and the ways she's made me feel small and unimportant and Different and stupid and crazy and foolish#she's my MOM. she's my mom#and all i can think about with all this is my youngest brother.#he doesnt remember mom when she was healthy. the only mom he knows is exhausted and in pain and dying#and she won't even see him graduate high school and he'll never know what she was like before all of this#i almost wish the cancer would just take her so i could finally be able to grieve and let go#instead of this limbo ive been in for three fucking years of hope and Knowing what will happen and grief and anger#and ngl i feel like a horrible fucking person for that. lol#y'all dont need to read this i just gotta scream for a sec#winter speaks#personal#tw death#tw cancer
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I’m factory restarting my laptop (just spring cleaning) and I forgot to save my Minecraft worlds 😭
Also I was moving my sai files from the usb to the laptop n accidentally also clicked homestuck. This shits gonna take foreverrrr
#other#t talks#I have the unofficial collection saved cause I didn’t want to lose my page + I had an error n fixed it awhile ago#I forgot what I did to break it n what I did to fix it#I was fuckin around with the files when I was bored lmao#anyways I saved the unzipped files. cause I forgot to do that.#so now it’s just. slowly moving all 21000 files 😭#I have shit to do. I’m on a time limit here lmaooo
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living with someone with untreated mental illness is like. i understand why you're like this and i do empathize but also like. jesus fucking christ get some help before i throttle you i stg
#i hate my sis so much. like i get it. i really do. a lot of how she acts is due to mental illness and trauma but at the same time she also#just really shitty. like ik recovery is different for everyone and you move at your own pace but she just. isnt recovering at all it seems#like its been 6yrs since we got out and my mom and i have worked really hard on getting better and changing our behaviors#all the while shes just getting worse and worse to be around. like shes legitimatrly turning into my (abusive) father#its terrifying honestly but we cant do anything about it bc you cant talk to her#you say like ''hey this thing you did upset me can you please try to not do that again'' not angry or anything and she starts crying and#yelling bc youre triggering her and its not fair and nobody loves her and like. i get that some people cry a lot and thats fine! i get that#but its literally impossible to talk to her about anything bc she acts like shes the victim and youre fuckin evil for telling her to please#not put her dirty clothes on my shelf i dont like that please. like thats not an unreasonable request and im not being mean about it! but#im the bad guy for doing anything that critisises her.#and she treats my mom like shit. like i could deal w her being a bitch to me but to momma? fuck no.#i dont believe you owe your parents shit but my mom has been a fucking saint when life dealt her a hand that shouldve made her a devil#she did her absolute best and *she* was the one that sacrificed everything to get us out#and my sister treats her like shes an incapable selfish idiot.#and she never lets me talk. shell talk for an hour about smth she knows i dont care about but when i try to tell her like. hey my fav band#is putting out a new album or smth im real excited about. she gets on her phone and just ignores me.#and she KNOWS this triggers me badly its made me suicidal before and yknow what happened then? i had to apologize for making HER feel bad#she talks over both of us but it you start talking when she was THINKING about talking she has a fit#and she actively tries to gaslight my mom. like im dead fuckin serious my mom has to ask me if smth really happened bc my sis told her it#did/didnt and she has to get me to confirm the truth for her#and she treats her pets like crap she should not be allowed to have pets bc she just loses interest in them and stops taking care of them#and we have to pick up the slack#its literally just like being with my dad again. walking on eggshells all the time#my mom cant watch tv at night bc ellie gets pissed at her for ''waking her up''. even tho she claims she never sleeps.#i hate her so so much i want to punch her i want her to move out i want to never ever see her again#but rn we cant afford to live on our own. so we have to stay with her#anyway.#vent#tw abuse
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